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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[John Mulaney] The past couple years,
I've done a lot of work on myself.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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And I've realized that I'll be fine
as long as I get constant attention.
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[laughter]
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I do. I love attention.
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I always wanted attention.
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[laughter]
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When I was a little kid,
I didn't get enough attention.
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I was the third of four kids.
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I have an older brother
and an older sister.
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When I was three years old,
they pulled me aside
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and they told me that I was adopted.
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[laughter]
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And that my real mother had been murdered...
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[laughter]
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...by Miss America.
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They said, "If you ask our mom about it,
she'll get really upset.
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So don't ask her if it's true
unless you want to upset her."
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And they said, "If you ask our dad
about it, he'll say that we're lying."
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"But he's lying."
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[laughter]
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They thought of every angle.
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[laughter]
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And to compound the stress
that I was under,
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when I was three years old,
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I thought that Miss America
was the Statue of Liberty.
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[laughter]
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And that summer was 1986.
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In '86 that summer on the Fourth of July,
Reagan was president then,
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and he gave a speech
in front of the Statue of Liberty.
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He was wearing a white shirt,
the wind was blowing,
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and he goes... [as Ronald Regan]
"This lady is a great lady."
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And I was sitting at home like,
"Oh, my God."
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"This goes all the way to the top."
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[laughter]
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"I'm never gonna get justice
for my mother."
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I always wanted attention in school,
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like to a sick degree.
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I really... I mean, I don't know
if you guys ever had this feeling,
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but do you remember when you were
in elementary school, grammar school,
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and a kid in your class
would come to school one day
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and you'd find out
their grandparent had died.
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And they would get,
like, so much attention.
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[laughter]
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You know, the teacher would be
like, "Aaron's grandpa passed away,"
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and he'd be like...
[as a child] "That's right."
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- [laughter]
- And we'd be like, "Aw, Aaron."
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- And he'd be, like, VIP for the day.
- [laughter]
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He'd be like, "Can I sit in the
beanbag chair during reading time?"
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We're like, "Of course, you poor fuck.
You sit there."
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[laughter]
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Forget the fact that there's
a laminated construction paper list
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of whose day it is to sit
in the beanbag chair,
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and we've all been patient
waiting for our day.
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And let's even forget that the beanbag
is there to teach us patience.
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You just jumped the line.
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[laughter]
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Did you ever look at how much attention
that dead-grandparent kid was getting?
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And did you ever,
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like me...
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[laughter]
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...hope?
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[laughter]
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Or maybe even...
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[laughter builds]
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...pray.
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[laughter and applause]
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[scattered laughter]
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"Please kill one of my grandparents
so I can get attention too."
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I did. I did do that.
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And some of you did, too.
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And I know you did
because you started laughing
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from the very beginning of the joke.
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[laughter]
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If you did, don't feel too bad, okay?
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Yes, it's a super dark memory.
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But you were a little kid.
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Also, you were a little kid,
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so you probably still had,
like, four grandparents.
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[laughter]
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This is a lot of grandparents.
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Is this too many?
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I'm... I am... I don't know, I'm asking.
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Look, God damn it! I'm not saying
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you pray to kill
one of the important ones.
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[laughter]
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You don't want to kill your mom's mom,
too special of a relationship.
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And you don't want to kill your dad's dad
because then your dad gets all weird.
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[laughter]
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Kids, you think your dad's weird now?
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Wait for his dad to die.
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Then he goes on a whole quest.
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He'll wanna take more family pictures,
but be angrier during them.
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[laughter]
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"Can we get one photo
where we all look nice?"
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We're like, "I don't think
this motherfucker's doing that well."
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[laughter and applause]
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[scattered cheering]
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So you don't want to kill
one of the important ones.
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[laughter]
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But you could kill...
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one of the unimportant ones.
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[laughter]
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You know who.
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[laughter]
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You...
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[laughter]
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You could kill your dad's mom.
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[laughter]
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Who even knew your dad had a mom?
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[laughter]
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It doesn't seem like she did
a very good job.
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[audience laughing hysterically]
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Ask your mom if she thinks
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that your dad's mom did a good job
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and deserves to live.
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[laughter and applause]
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Of course not.
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She is an unpleasant older lady.
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She's never done nothing for no one.
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But she could now.
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[laughter]
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She could die,
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between September and May.
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Real talk, Boston.
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When I was in elementary school,
my grandma died over the summer!
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[laughter]
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It was useless.
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You can't be walking
into school on Labor Day,
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talking about "We lost
our Grandma July 17th."
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"You should be over it by now.
Get out of the beanbag chair!"
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[laughter]
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Well, I apologize for beginning the show
on such a... dark note.
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But I didn't want to start
way too upbeat, you know.
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I've had a weird couple years.
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You've had a weird couple years.
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I didn't wanna come out
all phony, you know.
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You're like... [mimics trumpet]
"Hey, Boston! It's time to laugh!"
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♪ Raise up your smiles ♪
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♪ Lower those masks ♪
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♪ You know what I mean ♪
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♪ We all quarantined ♪
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♪ We all went to rehab
And we all got divorced ♪
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♪ And now our reputation is different ♪
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[audience laughing hysterically]
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[cheering and applauding]
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♪ No one knows what to think ♪
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♪ Hey, yeah! ♪
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♪ All the kids like Bo Burnham more ♪
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♪ Because he's currently
Less problematic ♪
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♪ Likability is a jail, ah ♪
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So we can't start that way.
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[cheering and applauding]
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All right, thanks. I wrote that song.
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Before I begin...
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Uh, young man in the third row up there.
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Uh, what's your name?
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- [boy] Henry.
- Henry? Okay, Henry.
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- How old are we?
- [Henry] Uh, 11.
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Eleven. Okay, ha-ha, wonderful.
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[laughter]
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You won't at all... [laughs]
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be distracting me
throughout the entire performance.
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Henry...
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Oh, man.
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Henry, do you... I don't mean this
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in a like, "Do you know who I am?"
kind of way,
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but like, do you know, like who I am,
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or did, like a babysitter cancel,
and suddenly you were like, in a van?
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[laughter]
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You know who I am? Okay.
Have you seen me do stand-up before?
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Okay. All right.
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Well, I appreciate you coming. So, um...
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- So...
- [laughter]
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...the things that I talk about...
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[laughter]
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...tonight,
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that I did recently...
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[laughter]
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...I never say this, Henry. It's not...
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I don't say this explicitly, but don't.
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[laughter]
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All right?
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- [laughing and cheering]
- Don't.
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You're in the sixth grade?
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Fifth? [laughs]
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[laughter]
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All right.
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Well, Henry,
if you've seen me do stand-up before,
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I have kind of a different vibe now.
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[laughter]
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When I was a younger man,
I'd come out on stage and be like, "Hey!"
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[babbling rapidly]
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And I wonder what caused that.
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[laughter]
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Well, those days are over.
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[laughter]
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That's it. That's over.
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[cheering and applauding]
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Okay.
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[laughter]
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Here's what happened.
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[quirky music playing]
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[man scatting]
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December 18th, 2020.
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Henry, you were about to go
on Christmas break...
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[laughter]
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...from the third grade.
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[laughter]
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[Mulaney chuckles]
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[man whoops]
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I, meanwhile, was loose in New York City,
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not doing well.
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Feral.
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That night, December 18th 2020,
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I was invited over
to my friend's apartment for dinner.
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Exciting, right?
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No.
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[laughter]
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When I got there, it was a trick.
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There was no dinner.
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It was an intervention.
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For me.
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[laughter]
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Interventions for me,
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are my least favorite
kind of intervention.
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[laughter]
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When I walked into my intervention,
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I knew immediately
that it was an intervention.
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Do you know how bad
of a drug problem you have to have,
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if when you open a door,
and see people gathered,
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your first and immediate thought is,
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"It's probably an intervention
about my drug problem"?
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[laughter]
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"There's no other reason
people would be behind a door."
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[laughter]
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This was my thought process,
walking into my intervention that night.
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"Going to dinner
with a friend from college!"
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"What's Seth Meyers doing here?"
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"Fuck!"
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[laughter]
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Also, I was two hours late
for my intervention.
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[laughter]
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Well, I didn't know
people were waiting on me.
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I wish I had.
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I would have been a million hours late.
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[laughter]
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I was two hours late, so when I got there,
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everyone was mad-der at me.
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[laughter]
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They were like, "And you're late."
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I was like, "Hey,
if you wanted me here on time,
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you could have texted me,
'John, we have cocaine.'"
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[laughter]
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I would have been a half hour early
to help set up chairs.
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I was two hours late, 'cause I was running
two very important errands.
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First errand, I went
to my drug dealer's apartment.
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I'm ashamed to tell you all
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I was there to buy drugs.
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And I had to pay my dealer in cash,
and I had to give him a bunch of cash
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for some drugs
I bought a couple nights before
263
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:33,187
because my Venmo was maxed out.
264
00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:35,689
Did you know?
Did you know you can do that?
265
00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:39,193
You can max your Venmo out,
on a weekly basis.
266
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,862
By the way, while I have you all here,
267
00:13:42,696 --> 00:13:45,449
allow me to say something about Venmo
268
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:48,994
on behalf of the drug addict community.
269
00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:50,538
[laughter]
270
00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:53,749
Venmo is for drug deals.
271
00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:56,418
That's what it was for.
272
00:13:56,418 --> 00:14:00,130
None of us in the drug world have any clue
273
00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:02,258
what all of you civilians...
274
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:03,300
[laughter]
275
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:05,469
...are doing on our app...
276
00:14:05,469 --> 00:14:07,012
[laughter]
277
00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:10,724
...with your public fucking transactions.
278
00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:13,060
[laughter and applause]
279
00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:16,814
What are you,
in ye olde marketplace, 1555?
280
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:19,525
"Hear ye! Hear ye!"
281
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:20,526
"Look at me!"
282
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:23,696
"I trade one fatted goose
for ten radishes."
283
00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:25,364
"Keep it to yourself."
284
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:31,954
The second errand I ran that night
is very amusing to me.
285
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:35,291
Dinner was scheduled for 7:00 p.m.
286
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:37,626
So I went to get a haircut...
287
00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:39,211
[laughter]
288
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:40,629
...at 7:00 p.m.
289
00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:42,464
[laughter]
290
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:45,676
And I truly believed
I could make both work.
291
00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:47,261
[laughter]
292
00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:50,389
I went to get this nighttime haircut
293
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,018
at Saturday Night Live,
294
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:55,436
which is a TV show,
295
00:14:55,978 --> 00:14:59,064
not an all-night pop-in barbershop.
296
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:03,611
But they have
a hair department there, right?
297
00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:06,322
And I still had my badge
from when I worked there.
298
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:08,574
So, at 7:00 p.m.,
299
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:10,868
coked out of my mind,
300
00:15:11,493 --> 00:15:15,414
I went up to the eighth floor
of 30 Rockefeller Center,
301
00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:19,126
walked into
the Emmy-Award-winning hair department,
302
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:22,880
and I said, Hey, can I have a haircut?
303
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,214
[laughter]
304
00:15:24,214 --> 00:15:28,427
And they said, "Oh, John,
you're not hosting this week."
305
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:31,680
And I said, "Ah, hey,
can I have a haircut?"
306
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:32,848
[laughter]
307
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:34,558
You know that thing of when a junkie
308
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,852
walks into your office
and asks for a haircut
309
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:39,229
and you're like, "Hurr,
it'd be faster to cut the hair"?
310
00:15:39,229 --> 00:15:40,356
That's what happened.
311
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:45,819
I walk into my intervention
two hours late.
312
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:49,531
According to my friends,
this is what I said.
313
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,535
[in annoyed tone] "Okay!"
314
00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:55,579
[laughter]
315
00:15:55,579 --> 00:15:57,831
I'd just been
to my drug dealer's apartment,
316
00:15:57,831 --> 00:15:59,333
so I immediately yelled out,
317
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:02,002
"Before we start,
can I go to the bathroom?"
318
00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:03,671
[laughter]
319
00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:06,131
And they said no. And I said... [screams]
320
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,927
Then this intervention lady
that they'd hired
321
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:11,428
runs up to me, and she goes,
322
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:12,596
"Hi."
323
00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:15,057
And I said, "Wrong energy!"
324
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,851
[laughter]
325
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:21,105
I walk into this intervention.
326
00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:23,399
Now, listen, everyone there
at the intervention
327
00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:24,900
is really worried about me.
328
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:27,736
They're all concerned
about my physical well-being.
329
00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:32,658
But I stroll in there,
I am cocaine-skinny, with a new haircut.
330
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:33,951
[laughter]
331
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:38,747
They've all been in heavy quarantine
for nine months.
332
00:16:39,415 --> 00:16:41,208
They looked like shit.
333
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:43,377
[laughter]
334
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:47,715
I was the best looking person
at my intervention,
335
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:49,925
by a mile.
336
00:16:49,925 --> 00:16:52,803
[laughing and cheering]
337
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:56,098
Everyone there looked like Jerry Garcia.
338
00:16:58,142 --> 00:16:59,560
I walk in the room,
339
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:04,273
there's six of my friends
sitting there in-person in New York.
340
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:08,777
And six of my friends over Zoom, from LA.
341
00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:11,321
You may be thinking, "Hey, if that was me,
342
00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:13,615
I would have been like,
'If you're so worried about me,
343
00:17:13,615 --> 00:17:15,325
how come you didn't fly in?'"
344
00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,077
Don't worry.
345
00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:20,080
I said that several times.
346
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,582
[laughter]
347
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,544
I said that multiple times
throughout the night.
348
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:27,504
The intervention lady goes,
349
00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:29,715
"Here, let me show you your chair."
350
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,258
I had a special chair.
351
00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:33,552
'Cause I was belle of the ball.
352
00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:38,307
And I'm about to sit down in my chair,
when a friend of mine in the corner goes,
353
00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:40,809
"I thought they were gonna tackle him."
354
00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:42,978
[laughter]
355
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:46,982
"You thought they were gonna what?"
356
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,319
"You know, like on Intervention."
357
00:17:51,528 --> 00:17:53,197
"I thought they were gonna tackle you."
358
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,950
"That's To Catch a Predator."
359
00:17:56,950 --> 00:17:59,286
[laughter]
360
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:04,541
"Are you disappointed now
that they're not gonna tackle me?"
361
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:07,169
He went,
"Yeah, I'm a little disappointed."
362
00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:12,132
I sit down in my chair,
I face all these rats.
363
00:18:12,132 --> 00:18:14,259
[laughter]
364
00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:15,177
Look.
365
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:18,722
Let me just call this out now,
I don't mean to be weird.
366
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:22,434
It was a star-studded intervention.
367
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:23,560
[laughs]
368
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,063
It was like a good group.
It was a good group.
369
00:18:26,688 --> 00:18:28,732
As mad as I was when I walked in there,
370
00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:31,068
I was like, "This is a good lineup.
This is very..."
371
00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:33,278
"This is really flattering
in its own way."
372
00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:37,783
It was like a "We Are the World"
of alternative comedians
373
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:40,285
over the age of 40.
374
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:43,080
All comedians.
375
00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:46,917
Yet no one said a funny thing
376
00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:50,129
the entire night.
377
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:55,217
Before I got there,
they promised each other
378
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:57,344
that they wouldn't do bits.
379
00:18:57,344 --> 00:19:00,139
[laughter]
380
00:19:01,598 --> 00:19:03,600
I was going psychotic.
381
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:07,020
I am sitting there in an awful chair,
382
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:09,356
crashing from cocaine.
383
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:13,152
No one will let me go
to the bathroom to freshen up.
384
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,778
[laughter]
385
00:19:14,778 --> 00:19:18,657
And the funniest people in the world
are staring at me,
386
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:20,617
refusing to do jokes!
387
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:22,744
It was maddening!
388
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,498
Fred Armisen was serious.
389
00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:28,000
[laughter]
390
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,669
Do you know how off-putting that is?
391
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:32,504
[laughter]
392
00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:34,798
He didn't do a character or a voice.
He was just like,
393
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:36,758
[as Fred Armisen] "Hey, John,
394
00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:40,679
I'm really worried about everything
that you're going through."
395
00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:42,556
And I was like "Ah! Next! Next!"
396
00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:43,640
[laughter]
397
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:49,229
By the way, for most of this intervention,
398
00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:53,859
I was determined not to go to rehab.
a.k.a., "Lose."
399
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,402
[laughter]
400
00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:59,656
My plan was to destabilize
the leader lady.
401
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:03,285
[laughter and applause]
402
00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:06,371
if I could get the others
to question her authority...
403
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:07,497
[hysterical laughter]
404
00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:10,751
...I thought the whole thing
would fall apart like a house of cards.
405
00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:13,045
I was hoping, eventually,
406
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,797
they'd be like, "I don't know,
the haircut, the confidence,
407
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:19,009
maybe we should make him the leader
and send this lady to rehab."
408
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:26,433
At one point I was standing
at an open window, chain smoking,
409
00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,560
in December in New York City.
410
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,729
You know, the way a sober person would.
411
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:35,192
And I looked at her and I said,
"Were you even prepped for me?"
412
00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:37,361
- [blows air]
- [laughter]
413
00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:40,572
And she said, "Yes."
414
00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:43,742
"But everyone said you were very nice."
415
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:45,118
[laughter]
416
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:46,995
Don't believe the persona.
417
00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:50,540
At one point,
I threw this grenade at the gang.
418
00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:53,543
I go, "I'll go to rehab
419
00:20:53,543 --> 00:20:56,296
when all of you stop drinking
420
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,674
and smoking weed."
421
00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:02,135
[laughter]
422
00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:07,432
A hush fell over the intervention.
423
00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:09,935
And then Nick Kroll yelled,
424
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,604
"Johnny, that's not what this is about."
425
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:14,106
[laughter]
426
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:17,192
It's frustrating
when people intervene on you,
427
00:21:17,192 --> 00:21:19,111
but they have problems of their own.
428
00:21:20,195 --> 00:21:22,322
It's like when someone sends you a text
429
00:21:22,322 --> 00:21:24,658
but the text comes
from their email address.
430
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:27,119
[laughter]
431
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:30,330
And you're like,
"Okay, I understand the message,
432
00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:32,749
but you need to
get your shit together. This..."
433
00:21:32,749 --> 00:21:35,460
"I hate this. Your name at iCloud."
434
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:38,422
"Why are you texting me? Don't ever
text me this way. It's foolish."
435
00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:39,798
Now we have two threads going.
436
00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:42,801
The original thread
with your name saved the way I like it,
437
00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:45,637
and this new all lower case abomination.
438
00:21:46,263 --> 00:21:48,932
So many letters,
it doesn't even fit in text preview.
439
00:21:48,932 --> 00:21:52,102
Then they keep texting you to see
if it's still coming from their email,
440
00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:54,980
"Hey, are my texts
still coming from my email address?"
441
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:56,231
"Huh. Weird."
442
00:21:56,231 --> 00:21:58,233
"Are my texts still coming from my email?"
443
00:21:58,233 --> 00:21:59,568
"Huh. Weird."
444
00:21:59,568 --> 00:22:04,072
They FaceTime you
from their email address!
445
00:22:04,072 --> 00:22:05,407
[laughter]
446
00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:09,077
Are you calling on a child's iPad?
447
00:22:09,077 --> 00:22:10,495
[laughter]
448
00:22:13,582 --> 00:22:16,626
I was truly an asshole that night.
I recognize that.
449
00:22:16,626 --> 00:22:19,629
But listen, I was furious at them.
450
00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:22,924
I was so mad that night.
451
00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:25,761
They had tricked me.
452
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,848
I mean, at its core,
an intervention is a prank.
453
00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:32,267
[laughter]
454
00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:36,897
They had pranked me, they were trying
to tell me what to do with my life,
455
00:22:36,897 --> 00:22:41,151
they were trying to control me, they were
sending me away to rehab for months.
456
00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:44,196
I felt powerless. I felt very angry.
457
00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:47,157
Now, standing here tonight,
458
00:22:47,741 --> 00:22:51,286
February 26th, 2023.
459
00:22:52,621 --> 00:22:54,372
One of the worst times of the year.
460
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:57,876
[laughter]
461
00:22:57,876 --> 00:23:01,797
Here with all you wonderful people,
and one of our top fifth graders.
462
00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:04,549
[laughter]
463
00:23:11,681 --> 00:23:13,558
Getting to do this show and standing here...
464
00:23:13,558 --> 00:23:17,562
Listen, I am grateful to everyone
at my intervention.
465
00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:21,983
They intervened, they confronted me,
and they totally saved my life.
466
00:23:21,983 --> 00:23:23,026
[all cheering]
467
00:23:23,026 --> 00:23:25,278
Okay. That's enough. That's enough.
468
00:23:27,572 --> 00:23:29,658
Don't... Don't stand for them. Listen...
469
00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:31,326
[laughter]
470
00:23:31,326 --> 00:23:32,702
They've been thanked.
471
00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:34,454
[laughter]
472
00:23:36,289 --> 00:23:37,374
And like,
473
00:23:37,374 --> 00:23:41,419
they're well aware they did a good thing.
474
00:23:41,419 --> 00:23:42,587
[laughter]
475
00:23:42,587 --> 00:23:46,341
They bring it up a lot.
476
00:23:46,341 --> 00:23:47,551
[laughter]
477
00:23:48,635 --> 00:23:49,553
Also,
478
00:23:51,221 --> 00:23:54,766
like, I'm still pissed off at them.
479
00:23:55,809 --> 00:23:58,270
I'm grateful. I'm truly grateful.
480
00:23:58,770 --> 00:24:02,649
And I wish I just felt that one emotion,
but I don't.
481
00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:04,025
[laughter]
482
00:24:04,025 --> 00:24:05,443
I feel two emotions.
483
00:24:05,443 --> 00:24:06,611
[laughter]
484
00:24:06,611 --> 00:24:08,530
I'm still kind of mad.
485
00:24:09,322 --> 00:24:10,574
'Cause... Okay.
486
00:24:12,784 --> 00:24:14,119
Do you know what it's like
487
00:24:14,744 --> 00:24:18,081
for 12 people to save your life?
488
00:24:19,749 --> 00:24:21,084
It's too many people.
489
00:24:21,084 --> 00:24:22,586
[laughter]
490
00:24:23,211 --> 00:24:25,422
They could have done it with four people.
491
00:24:26,506 --> 00:24:28,592
And I know the eight they could have cut.
492
00:24:28,592 --> 00:24:30,802
[audience laughing hysterically]
493
00:24:32,762 --> 00:24:36,016
Instead, for the rest of my life,
494
00:24:37,058 --> 00:24:39,561
there are 12 separate people out there
495
00:24:39,561 --> 00:24:41,813
who if I'm at dinner with them,
I have to be like,
496
00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:44,900
"No, I got that. Come on."
497
00:24:45,859 --> 00:24:47,819
"Hey, come on. For real."
498
00:24:48,653 --> 00:24:50,322
"You saved my life."
499
00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:51,907
[laughter]
500
00:24:54,034 --> 00:24:55,660
"Over Zoom."
501
00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:58,705
[laughter and applause]
502
00:25:00,165 --> 00:25:02,584
[all cheering]
503
00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:11,259
If anyone here has ever been to rehab,
504
00:25:11,259 --> 00:25:12,677
you probably know this,
505
00:25:13,261 --> 00:25:15,847
but you are not allowed
to bring drugs in with you.
506
00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:17,349
[laughter]
507
00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:20,560
I don't know if you all recall
my first errand of the evening
508
00:25:21,353 --> 00:25:23,104
before my intervention,
509
00:25:23,104 --> 00:25:25,565
but I leave that intervention for rehab,
510
00:25:25,565 --> 00:25:28,610
I have a lot of narcotics on me.
511
00:25:29,653 --> 00:25:33,323
So, back then I was addicted to cocaine,
512
00:25:33,323 --> 00:25:36,493
Adderall, Xanax, Klonopin,
513
00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:37,702
and Percocet.
514
00:25:38,703 --> 00:25:40,163
Called a Providence special.
515
00:25:40,163 --> 00:25:42,666
[laughter and applause]
516
00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:45,627
Providence, Rhode Island.
517
00:25:45,627 --> 00:25:48,463
For those of you around the world,
there's a city near here,
518
00:25:49,339 --> 00:25:51,216
and it's a big joke to all of us.
519
00:25:51,216 --> 00:25:54,344
[laughter and applause]
520
00:25:54,344 --> 00:25:55,428
Um...
521
00:25:56,763 --> 00:25:57,973
Very silly place.
522
00:26:01,434 --> 00:26:04,020
I leave for rehab. I have on my person
523
00:26:04,020 --> 00:26:07,440
a full baggie of 30 mg Adderall,
524
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,110
a full baggie of Xanax,
525
00:26:10,110 --> 00:26:11,987
3 g of cocaine,
526
00:26:12,696 --> 00:26:15,282
and $2,000 in cash.
527
00:26:16,658 --> 00:26:19,995
I had other plans that weekend.
528
00:26:19,995 --> 00:26:21,621
[laughter]
529
00:26:22,497 --> 00:26:25,250
So I get to rehab
at four o'clock in the morning
530
00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:27,294
and I walk up to the intake desk.
531
00:26:27,294 --> 00:26:30,964
And at the intake desk, the woman says,
"Do you have any drugs on you?"
532
00:26:30,964 --> 00:26:33,383
And I said, "No, I do not."
533
00:26:34,259 --> 00:26:36,845
"May I please go to the bathroom?"
534
00:26:37,971 --> 00:26:40,890
Two guys grab me.
They take my winter coat off me,
535
00:26:40,890 --> 00:26:42,517
they start going through the pockets.
536
00:26:42,517 --> 00:26:45,437
They go through the inside
zipper pocket of my winter coat.
537
00:26:45,437 --> 00:26:48,398
I was like, "How did they find out
about the inside zipper pocket?"
538
00:26:48,398 --> 00:26:49,482
[laughter]
539
00:26:49,482 --> 00:26:51,985
"That pocket
has eluded everyone in my life."
540
00:26:52,902 --> 00:26:53,987
They reach in there.
541
00:26:53,987 --> 00:26:59,075
They pull out all these pills
and all this cash and 2 g of coke.
542
00:26:59,075 --> 00:27:01,161
Remember I said I had 3 g?
543
00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:03,204
Well, I did a bunch in the car.
544
00:27:03,204 --> 00:27:05,749
And I did a bunch
545
00:27:05,749 --> 00:27:07,542
at a gas station in the bathroom
546
00:27:07,542 --> 00:27:10,170
off of one of those
Koala baby changing stations.
547
00:27:10,170 --> 00:27:11,254
[audience groans]
548
00:27:12,339 --> 00:27:13,214
What?
549
00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:15,592
That's what those are for.
550
00:27:15,592 --> 00:27:17,218
[laughter]
551
00:27:17,218 --> 00:27:20,513
You think you're supposed to put
a human baby
552
00:27:20,513 --> 00:27:23,266
on that mouse trap of a device?
553
00:27:23,266 --> 00:27:24,351
[laughter]
554
00:27:25,518 --> 00:27:27,979
They have gang signs carved into them.
555
00:27:27,979 --> 00:27:29,522
[audience groans]
556
00:27:29,522 --> 00:27:31,691
Those are for snorting coke off of.
557
00:27:32,233 --> 00:27:36,571
When you're a cokehead,
you see the world in terms of surfaces.
558
00:27:36,571 --> 00:27:38,031
[laughter]
559
00:27:39,657 --> 00:27:42,452
So they reach in.
They pull out all these pills
560
00:27:42,452 --> 00:27:46,122
and all this cocaine and all this cash,
and they stare at me.
561
00:27:46,122 --> 00:27:51,461
And I said, "Oh, those old winter coats."
562
00:27:51,586 --> 00:27:55,757
[laughter and applause]
563
00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:57,675
You know that phenomenon.
564
00:27:57,675 --> 00:28:00,470
When you're going through
your goose down jackets
565
00:28:00,470 --> 00:28:03,556
and you're like,
"Five grand and an eight ball?"
566
00:28:03,556 --> 00:28:05,016
[laughter]
567
00:28:06,476 --> 00:28:08,603
"From the night we went caroling."
568
00:28:08,603 --> 00:28:10,105
[laughter]
569
00:28:12,357 --> 00:28:14,818
"Those old winter coats."
570
00:28:16,736 --> 00:28:20,824
Then they took
my prescription drugs from me.
571
00:28:21,658 --> 00:28:22,951
My prescriptions.
572
00:28:23,701 --> 00:28:26,329
Not the illegal pills
I bought on the street.
573
00:28:26,329 --> 00:28:30,250
The official prescriptions,
with my name on them.
574
00:28:30,250 --> 00:28:32,460
And they took them from me
575
00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:33,795
simply because
576
00:28:34,337 --> 00:28:37,924
I had no business being prescribed them
in the first place.
577
00:28:37,924 --> 00:28:39,259
[laughter]
578
00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:43,012
But, oh, the collection I had.
579
00:28:44,639 --> 00:28:47,809
All the effort,
all the work that went into it.
580
00:28:49,269 --> 00:28:52,605
Do you know how hard it is to get a doctor
581
00:28:53,481 --> 00:28:57,610
to write you a prescription
for a pill you don't need?
582
00:28:57,610 --> 00:28:59,070
[soft laughter]
583
00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:01,531
It's not hard. [laughing] It's...
584
00:29:01,531 --> 00:29:02,907
[laughter and applause]
585
00:29:03,032 --> 00:29:05,535
It's so easy. It's so easy.
586
00:29:05,535 --> 00:29:08,538
Here's what you do,
or here's what I did, but don't do it.
587
00:29:08,538 --> 00:29:10,832
But if you did do it,
it would totally work. Okay.
588
00:29:10,832 --> 00:29:12,125
[laughter]
589
00:29:12,125 --> 00:29:13,209
Um...
590
00:29:13,209 --> 00:29:16,212
Go on... Go on, like, WebMD.
591
00:29:17,547 --> 00:29:20,633
Search doctors in your zip code.
592
00:29:20,633 --> 00:29:23,636
Okay? And then sort the results.
593
00:29:24,137 --> 00:29:27,432
Lowest rating to highest.
594
00:29:27,432 --> 00:29:28,808
[laughter]
595
00:29:28,808 --> 00:29:30,894
You will not need to scroll far.
596
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:32,270
[laughter]
597
00:29:33,062 --> 00:29:36,149
Find the doctor in your area
598
00:29:36,941 --> 00:29:39,319
with the lowest number of stars.
599
00:29:40,445 --> 00:29:43,907
This person needs your business.
600
00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:45,492
[laughter]
601
00:29:46,576 --> 00:29:48,119
Is this a bad doctor?
602
00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:49,954
Nay, nay.
603
00:29:49,954 --> 00:29:51,164
[laughter]
604
00:29:52,207 --> 00:29:53,792
This is the best doctor.
605
00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:54,959
[laughter]
606
00:29:57,212 --> 00:29:58,129
Dude...
607
00:29:58,755 --> 00:30:02,342
[laughter]
608
00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:04,010
You can walk in there
609
00:30:04,636 --> 00:30:06,846
and it's like Captain Phillips.
610
00:30:06,846 --> 00:30:10,099
You can be like,
"Look at me, I am the doctor now."
611
00:30:10,099 --> 00:30:11,810
[laughter]
612
00:30:13,186 --> 00:30:14,854
You can use their computer.
613
00:30:14,854 --> 00:30:17,148
[laughter]
614
00:30:17,148 --> 00:30:18,858
Check Yahoo! News or something.
615
00:30:19,984 --> 00:30:23,822
I had a doctor in New York City
that just wrote me prescriptions.
616
00:30:23,822 --> 00:30:25,156
Dr. Michael.
617
00:30:25,156 --> 00:30:26,449
No last name.
618
00:30:27,784 --> 00:30:29,953
Oh, I don't mean
I'm protecting his identity.
619
00:30:30,453 --> 00:30:32,497
He never told me his last name.
620
00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:33,915
[laughter]
621
00:30:33,915 --> 00:30:35,500
Even before the pandemic,
622
00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:39,045
Dr. Michael worked out of his apartment
on Second Avenue.
623
00:30:39,587 --> 00:30:40,797
That's odd.
624
00:30:40,797 --> 00:30:42,298
[laughter]
625
00:30:42,298 --> 00:30:44,133
I'd go to see Dr. Michael,
626
00:30:44,133 --> 00:30:47,512
and I'd knock on his door, and he'd always
answer the door like this.
627
00:30:47,512 --> 00:30:50,515
He'd go, "My wife, Minerva, is sleeping."
628
00:30:51,432 --> 00:30:53,977
Like, really paranoid.
But he wasn't saying,
629
00:30:53,977 --> 00:30:56,229
"So keep your voice down."
It was as if he was saying,
630
00:30:56,229 --> 00:30:59,607
"I didn't just kill my wife Minerva."
631
00:30:59,607 --> 00:31:01,025
[laughter]
632
00:31:01,818 --> 00:31:04,153
So then we'd go into his kitchenette.
633
00:31:04,988 --> 00:31:07,657
To call it a kitchen
would be a great exaggeration.
634
00:31:08,783 --> 00:31:10,285
And we'd have our appointment.
635
00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:13,580
I'd go, "I want Klonopin."
636
00:31:14,497 --> 00:31:16,165
And he'd go, "Okay."
637
00:31:16,165 --> 00:31:17,709
[laughter]
638
00:31:17,709 --> 00:31:19,377
And as he was writing it out on the pad
639
00:31:19,377 --> 00:31:22,088
and tearing it off, he'd go,
"Oh, what's it for?"
640
00:31:22,755 --> 00:31:25,008
And I'd go, "I have anxiety."
641
00:31:25,008 --> 00:31:27,218
And he'd go, "Oh, then you need it."
642
00:31:27,218 --> 00:31:28,803
[laughter]
643
00:31:29,512 --> 00:31:31,806
And then Dr. Michael, he'd always go,
644
00:31:31,806 --> 00:31:34,809
"Hey, you want a flu shot?"
645
00:31:35,977 --> 00:31:37,061
[chuckling] Aw...
646
00:31:38,479 --> 00:31:41,357
He wanted to be like a real doctor.
647
00:31:41,357 --> 00:31:42,775
[laughter]
648
00:31:42,775 --> 00:31:44,485
I go, "No, Michael,
649
00:31:44,485 --> 00:31:47,572
you already gave me
two flu shots this month, man."
650
00:31:47,572 --> 00:31:49,073
"I feel crazy."
651
00:31:49,073 --> 00:31:50,241
[laughter]
652
00:31:50,241 --> 00:31:51,701
"I feel super sick."
653
00:31:53,870 --> 00:31:56,623
Then he'd go, "Do you want a B12 Shot?"
654
00:31:56,623 --> 00:31:58,458
"You want a vitamin shot?"
655
00:31:58,458 --> 00:32:02,754
So he always wanted to give me
a shot of some kind,
656
00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:06,257
because he had, like, a thing.
657
00:32:07,008 --> 00:32:10,637
I mean, look, a guy named Dr. Michael
that works out of his apartment
658
00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:11,888
is gonna have a thing.
659
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,601
Michael's thing was, he wanted guys
660
00:32:16,601 --> 00:32:19,729
to take their shirts off in his apartment.
661
00:32:19,729 --> 00:32:20,772
[audience exclaims]
662
00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:24,275
You're all uncomfortable now,
but I'm way over it.
663
00:32:24,275 --> 00:32:27,946
And also, if you think this story ends
with me being like,
664
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:31,574
"And I said, 'Absolutely not,'"
665
00:32:31,574 --> 00:32:34,118
you're about to be so disappointed.
666
00:32:34,118 --> 00:32:35,411
[laughter]
667
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:38,623
So we had this little, like, charade.
668
00:32:38,623 --> 00:32:41,084
I'd roll up my T-shirt sleeve
669
00:32:41,084 --> 00:32:44,837
and Michael would come in
with the syringe, and he'd go,
670
00:32:44,837 --> 00:32:45,964
"Um,
671
00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:49,550
I'm gonna need the whole shirt off."
672
00:32:49,550 --> 00:32:50,843
[laughter]
673
00:32:55,306 --> 00:32:58,101
I'd be like,
"Thirty Klonopin, two refills..."
674
00:32:58,101 --> 00:32:59,143
Wapow!
675
00:32:59,143 --> 00:33:00,687
[laughter]
676
00:33:00,687 --> 00:33:04,148
And then the sexual harassment would stop,
to be fair.
677
00:33:04,148 --> 00:33:05,775
So maybe that was his whole thing.
678
00:33:05,775 --> 00:33:08,820
It was just getting guys
to take their shirts off.
679
00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:12,657
Or maybe there was something
about me with my shirt off
680
00:33:13,282 --> 00:33:15,326
that stops sexual harassment.
681
00:33:15,326 --> 00:33:17,161
[laughter]
682
00:33:19,205 --> 00:33:21,290
You know, that story has two morals.
683
00:33:21,916 --> 00:33:24,335
One, now you know that.
684
00:33:24,335 --> 00:33:26,546
[laughter]
685
00:33:26,546 --> 00:33:27,797
You didn't used to.
686
00:33:29,632 --> 00:33:31,509
The other moral is this.
687
00:33:31,509 --> 00:33:36,139
You should get vaccinated
and get a booster and all of that. But...
688
00:33:37,890 --> 00:33:40,435
these days, when you hear people be like,
689
00:33:40,435 --> 00:33:42,895
"Just trust doctors..."
690
00:33:43,521 --> 00:33:44,355
[laughs dryly]
691
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:49,527
Anytime you hear someone say,
"Trust doctors," just remember,
692
00:33:50,278 --> 00:33:52,864
somewhere, in a kitchenette...
693
00:33:52,864 --> 00:33:54,032
[laughter]
694
00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:55,783
...sits Dr. Michael.
695
00:33:55,783 --> 00:33:56,826
[laughter]
696
00:33:56,826 --> 00:33:58,828
And if he's so trustworthy,
697
00:33:59,704 --> 00:34:02,582
why is Minerva always sleeping?
698
00:34:02,582 --> 00:34:03,958
[laughter]
699
00:34:03,958 --> 00:34:06,377
[cheering and applauding]
700
00:34:06,377 --> 00:34:08,212
So they took my prescriptions.
701
00:34:10,965 --> 00:34:12,216
They take my prescriptions.
702
00:34:12,216 --> 00:34:14,969
Now this was all at
four o'clock in the morning
703
00:34:14,969 --> 00:34:16,763
when I first checked into rehab.
704
00:34:16,763 --> 00:34:19,057
Let's flash forward 12 hours now
705
00:34:19,057 --> 00:34:21,017
to 4:00 p.m. that same day.
706
00:34:21,017 --> 00:34:25,104
I'm in my hospital room,
in the detox hospital at this rehab.
707
00:34:25,104 --> 00:34:28,733
I had to go to detox for like
four or five days when I first got there
708
00:34:28,733 --> 00:34:31,861
'cause of everything in my system.
I'm in my hospital room.
709
00:34:31,861 --> 00:34:34,781
I've been in rehab
at this point for 12 hours.
710
00:34:34,781 --> 00:34:37,158
I have not gone to sleep during that time.
711
00:34:37,158 --> 00:34:39,911
And my total time awake to this point
712
00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:41,746
- is 50 hours.
- [audience exclaims]
713
00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:46,334
Now, the doctors are trying to give me
a bunch of medication to calm me down.
714
00:34:46,334 --> 00:34:51,464
But by this point in my life, my tolerance
for sedatives was superhuman.
715
00:34:51,464 --> 00:34:54,050
No matter what they give me,
they cannot subdue me.
716
00:34:54,050 --> 00:34:57,929
I'm like the great Rasputin,
they cannot bring me to my knees.
717
00:34:57,929 --> 00:34:59,263
[laughter]
718
00:35:00,723 --> 00:35:04,602
Just then, a legitimately good doctor
719
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:07,396
walks into my hospital room.
720
00:35:07,396 --> 00:35:10,024
If you have only been seeing Dr. Michael
721
00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:12,568
for the past few years,
722
00:35:12,568 --> 00:35:16,447
a good, legitimate doctor is terrifying.
723
00:35:17,156 --> 00:35:18,783
It's like an exorcist.
724
00:35:19,450 --> 00:35:22,286
This guy walked in like,
"Hi, I'm Dr. Henry Ford Askew."
725
00:35:22,286 --> 00:35:25,039
I was like, "No. Two names."
726
00:35:26,165 --> 00:35:28,543
[groaning] "No."
727
00:35:28,543 --> 00:35:31,003
Oh! Hey.
728
00:35:31,921 --> 00:35:35,174
[intoxicatedly]
"You want my shirt off, huh?"
729
00:35:36,008 --> 00:35:37,802
"You like this?"
730
00:35:38,803 --> 00:35:40,596
"You like stuff?"
731
00:35:41,931 --> 00:35:45,184
"What kind of a doctor are you, huh?"
732
00:35:46,477 --> 00:35:48,855
"Is your wife dead?"
733
00:35:49,397 --> 00:35:52,859
[shushing loudly]
734
00:35:56,237 --> 00:35:57,947
I scream at this doctor.
735
00:35:59,073 --> 00:36:01,242
I go, "Where's my Klonopin?"
736
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,204
"We cannot give you your Klonopin."
737
00:36:05,204 --> 00:36:06,664
"Why not?"
738
00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:09,542
"We are a rehab."
739
00:36:09,542 --> 00:36:11,377
[laughter]
740
00:36:11,377 --> 00:36:14,630
"I cannot give you a Schedule II narcotic
741
00:36:14,630 --> 00:36:16,841
under Pennsylvania state law."
742
00:36:17,425 --> 00:36:18,509
And I said,
743
00:36:18,509 --> 00:36:20,344
"Pennsylvania state law?"
744
00:36:20,344 --> 00:36:23,097
"Well, what if we go
to a pharmacy in New Jersey?"
745
00:36:23,097 --> 00:36:24,640
[laughter]
746
00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:26,809
You see, I thought
747
00:36:26,809 --> 00:36:30,104
he was telling me about a predicament
748
00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:33,316
that we were both caught up in.
749
00:36:33,316 --> 00:36:35,276
[laughter and applause]
750
00:36:37,737 --> 00:36:39,155
Like, he was like, "Look,
751
00:36:39,155 --> 00:36:41,782
I would love to give you these pills."
752
00:36:41,782 --> 00:36:44,535
"You are clearly a super-chill young man,
753
00:36:45,244 --> 00:36:48,581
bobbing and weaving in a hospital gown
754
00:36:48,581 --> 00:36:50,875
and a pair of New Balance sneakers
755
00:36:50,875 --> 00:36:53,002
for the past 12 hours."
756
00:36:53,002 --> 00:36:55,880
"But this pesky state of Pennsylvania."
757
00:36:55,880 --> 00:37:01,552
"Oh-ho-ho, doctor, what if we go
to a pharmacy in New Jersey?"
758
00:37:02,136 --> 00:37:05,306
"Oh, my God,
no one has ever thought of that."
759
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:09,435
"You're the first drug addict here
to have a scheme."
760
00:37:09,435 --> 00:37:11,270
[laughter]
761
00:37:11,270 --> 00:37:13,522
"Let's go in my car."
762
00:37:13,522 --> 00:37:16,776
"You're clearly ready
to leave the grounds."
763
00:37:18,444 --> 00:37:20,112
That was at 4:00 p.m.
764
00:37:20,821 --> 00:37:24,742
Three hours later, 7:00 p.m.,
I finally go to sleep.
765
00:37:25,368 --> 00:37:28,746
They give me enough of this drug
called Librium, and I drop.
766
00:37:29,705 --> 00:37:32,750
They put a nurse in my hospital room
767
00:37:33,334 --> 00:37:34,877
to make sure I stay asleep
768
00:37:35,419 --> 00:37:37,004
'cause I had been trouble.
769
00:37:38,172 --> 00:37:42,176
I'm not sure what it was exactly
that got them so worried.
770
00:37:42,885 --> 00:37:45,513
But it might have been when I said,
771
00:37:46,639 --> 00:37:48,683
"I'm gonna pretend to go to sleep."
772
00:37:49,725 --> 00:37:53,688
"And then when you're all like,
'He's asleep,' and you leave my room,
773
00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:56,440
I'm gonna run the fuck out of this rehab."
774
00:37:57,358 --> 00:38:01,612
Something about saying that
out loud, twice,
775
00:38:01,612 --> 00:38:03,864
to two different staff members
776
00:38:04,573 --> 00:38:06,534
had raised a few eyebrows.
777
00:38:07,994 --> 00:38:10,496
So now I'm asleep, though.
I'm legitimately out cold.
778
00:38:10,496 --> 00:38:14,292
They have a nurse in my room
to make sure I stay asleep.
779
00:38:14,292 --> 00:38:17,962
She's sitting in a chair next to
a bedside table. I'm asleep in the bed.
780
00:38:17,962 --> 00:38:22,008
My phone is face up
on the bedside table next to her.
781
00:38:22,008 --> 00:38:25,553
Now, at this exact same time,
about 7:00 p.m.,
782
00:38:25,553 --> 00:38:28,681
my good friend Pete Davidson
starts calling me.
783
00:38:28,681 --> 00:38:31,809
- Pete... Yes, that one. Pete...
- [laughter]
784
00:38:31,934 --> 00:38:34,687
...was not at my intervention
'cause he was traveling that night,
785
00:38:34,687 --> 00:38:38,190
but now he's landed, he's found out
I'm in rehab, and he's concerned.
786
00:38:38,190 --> 00:38:39,734
So he starts calling.
787
00:38:39,734 --> 00:38:41,027
Fun fact about Pete.
788
00:38:41,736 --> 00:38:44,613
He changes his
cellphone number constantly.
789
00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:47,616
I don't know why. That's his journey.
790
00:38:47,616 --> 00:38:49,952
[laughter]
791
00:38:49,952 --> 00:38:52,413
Every month and a half I get a text
from Pete, saying,
792
00:38:52,413 --> 00:38:54,332
"Yo, it's Pete. New number."
793
00:38:55,082 --> 00:38:57,043
And I go, "Send a pic to prove it."
794
00:38:57,043 --> 00:38:58,753
And he sends a photo like this.
795
00:39:00,046 --> 00:39:01,547
Then I save him in my phone.
796
00:39:01,547 --> 00:39:05,551
For a long time I just kept saving him
again and again as Pete Davidson.
797
00:39:05,551 --> 00:39:09,263
At one point, I had nine Pete Davidsons
saved in my phone.
798
00:39:09,263 --> 00:39:13,392
[in Italian accent]
And that's too many Pete Davidsons.
799
00:39:15,811 --> 00:39:16,896
[in normal voice] So...
800
00:39:19,106 --> 00:39:23,319
I started to save him
under fake famous people's names
801
00:39:23,319 --> 00:39:24,653
just to mix it up.
802
00:39:24,653 --> 00:39:28,699
Like, for a while he was saved in my phone
as Rodney Dangerfield.
803
00:39:29,825 --> 00:39:31,702
The week I went to rehab,
804
00:39:31,702 --> 00:39:34,872
he was saved in my phone as Al Pacino.
805
00:39:34,872 --> 00:39:37,458
[laughter]
806
00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:38,751
So,
807
00:39:38,751 --> 00:39:40,127
I'm asleep in bed.
808
00:39:40,795 --> 00:39:42,296
A nurse is watching over me.
809
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:44,715
My phone is next to the nurse.
810
00:39:45,216 --> 00:39:47,551
And Pete Davidson starts calling
811
00:39:47,551 --> 00:39:51,013
again and again and again.
812
00:39:51,889 --> 00:39:54,266
But what the nurse sees on the phone...
813
00:39:57,186 --> 00:39:59,230
[laughter]
814
00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:01,565
...is that this unconscious patient
815
00:40:02,316 --> 00:40:03,901
is getting, not one,
816
00:40:04,777 --> 00:40:06,070
not two,
817
00:40:07,029 --> 00:40:10,491
but five missed calls
818
00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:13,202
from Oscar winner...
819
00:40:13,202 --> 00:40:14,703
[laughter]
820
00:40:15,496 --> 00:40:17,081
...Al Pacino.
821
00:40:17,081 --> 00:40:18,416
[laughter]
822
00:40:19,333 --> 00:40:23,754
So... she fuckin' wakes me up.
823
00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:25,631
[audience laughing hysterically]
824
00:40:25,631 --> 00:40:28,175
[applauding]
825
00:40:29,927 --> 00:40:31,178
I don't blame her.
826
00:40:31,178 --> 00:40:33,013
I would've been so curious.
827
00:40:34,598 --> 00:40:38,185
She wakes...
I wake up and she's shaking me going,
828
00:40:38,185 --> 00:40:40,646
"You're getting a phone call."
829
00:40:40,646 --> 00:40:41,772
[laughter]
830
00:40:42,773 --> 00:40:44,900
I was so groggy, I was like... [grumbling]
831
00:40:45,651 --> 00:40:47,528
I roll over. I'm so exhausted.
832
00:40:47,528 --> 00:40:48,779
I look at the phone.
833
00:40:48,779 --> 00:40:51,824
I see that it says, "Call from Al Pacino."
834
00:40:52,408 --> 00:40:55,703
I know that that means
call from Pete Davidson.
835
00:40:56,203 --> 00:40:59,123
But I don't explain
this complex code to the nurse.
836
00:41:00,332 --> 00:41:02,209
I just take the call in front of her.
837
00:41:03,419 --> 00:41:04,753
I go, "Hello?"
838
00:41:06,922 --> 00:41:08,299
"Oh, dog."
839
00:41:08,799 --> 00:41:10,217
[laughter]
840
00:41:10,217 --> 00:41:12,011
"I'm not doing that well."
841
00:41:14,889 --> 00:41:17,224
"Oh, yeah, no one's going to blame you."
842
00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:20,311
Now...
843
00:41:20,311 --> 00:41:22,229
[audience continues laughing]
844
00:41:24,648 --> 00:41:29,111
I said that last part
because some people suggested
845
00:41:29,111 --> 00:41:31,530
that he and I did drugs together
846
00:41:31,530 --> 00:41:33,324
because he has tattoos...
847
00:41:33,324 --> 00:41:35,242
[laughter]
848
00:41:35,242 --> 00:41:36,660
...and I am plain.
849
00:41:37,286 --> 00:41:38,496
[laughter]
850
00:41:41,999 --> 00:41:43,542
We must be up to witchcraft.
851
00:41:45,794 --> 00:41:47,421
I've never done drugs with Pete.
852
00:41:47,421 --> 00:41:50,090
He's always been very supportive
of my sobriety.
853
00:41:50,090 --> 00:41:52,343
So that's the conversation
I'm having with Pete.
854
00:41:52,843 --> 00:41:56,639
But the conversation
that the nurse thinks is happening...
855
00:41:56,639 --> 00:41:58,182
[laughter]
856
00:41:58,766 --> 00:42:00,601
It delights me to this day.
857
00:42:00,601 --> 00:42:02,061
[laughter]
858
00:42:03,020 --> 00:42:03,854
"Hello..."
859
00:42:03,854 --> 00:42:06,315
- [mimics Al Pacino] "Johnny!"
- [laughter]
860
00:42:08,442 --> 00:42:09,443
"It's Al."
861
00:42:09,443 --> 00:42:11,195
[laughter]
862
00:42:11,987 --> 00:42:13,989
"My little boy blue."
863
00:42:13,989 --> 00:42:16,116
[laughter]
864
00:42:16,242 --> 00:42:18,827
"I heard your ass is in rehab."
865
00:42:20,829 --> 00:42:22,414
"How you doing, dog?"
866
00:42:25,459 --> 00:42:27,962
- [in normal voice] "Oh, dog."
- [laughter]
867
00:42:29,004 --> 00:42:30,506
"I'm not doing that well."
868
00:42:31,340 --> 00:42:32,466
[mimics Al Pacino] "Oh!"
869
00:42:33,676 --> 00:42:35,511
"My little freckle juice."
870
00:42:35,511 --> 00:42:36,720
[laughter]
871
00:42:37,972 --> 00:42:41,308
"Reason I'm calling you five times...
872
00:42:45,896 --> 00:42:48,524
I think I'm going to get blamed for this."
873
00:42:49,567 --> 00:42:52,778
"Yeah, I'm getting suspicious
874
00:42:53,988 --> 00:42:59,285
that when the American public hears
about the drug relapse of John Mulaney,
875
00:43:01,161 --> 00:43:02,746
they will logically..."
876
00:43:02,746 --> 00:43:04,999
[audience continues laughing]
877
00:43:06,041 --> 00:43:11,839
"...and immediately name... only one culprit."
878
00:43:11,839 --> 00:43:13,841
[laughter]
879
00:43:14,717 --> 00:43:16,343
"And that is myself!"
880
00:43:17,970 --> 00:43:20,723
"Seventy-nine year old..."
881
00:43:20,723 --> 00:43:21,974
[laughter and applause]
882
00:43:23,142 --> 00:43:24,476
"...Oscar winner,
883
00:43:25,811 --> 00:43:27,354
Al Pacino!"
884
00:43:28,272 --> 00:43:31,483
"Pacino from the Italian."
885
00:43:32,401 --> 00:43:34,153
"'Pa' meaning Daddy,
886
00:43:35,487 --> 00:43:38,157
and 'Chino,' meaning khaki pants."
887
00:43:38,157 --> 00:43:39,742
[laughter]
888
00:43:42,536 --> 00:43:44,705
"They're going
to blame Daddy khaki pants."
889
00:43:44,705 --> 00:43:45,914
[laughter]
890
00:43:49,084 --> 00:43:51,920
[scattered laughter]
891
00:43:53,005 --> 00:43:55,049
"This line has been compromised."
892
00:43:55,049 --> 00:43:56,091
[laughter]
893
00:43:58,594 --> 00:44:03,474
I was in rehab for two months
from December 18th to February 20th.
894
00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:06,352
I was there January 6th
during the insurrection.
895
00:44:06,352 --> 00:44:08,312
Wouldn't have happened on my watch.
896
00:44:08,312 --> 00:44:10,356
[laughter]
897
00:44:10,356 --> 00:44:11,940
'Cause I would have made sure.
898
00:44:12,441 --> 00:44:14,109
I would have made sure it didn't.
899
00:44:14,109 --> 00:44:15,152
[cheering]
900
00:44:15,152 --> 00:44:18,197
Was there ever an insurrection
before I went to rehab?
901
00:44:18,197 --> 00:44:19,114
No.
902
00:44:19,114 --> 00:44:21,325
Has there been one since I got out?
903
00:44:21,909 --> 00:44:23,285
Absolutely not.
904
00:44:23,994 --> 00:44:25,287
They wouldn't dare.
905
00:44:25,287 --> 00:44:27,790
They know Baby J is back on the streets.
906
00:44:27,790 --> 00:44:30,167
[cheering and applauding]
907
00:44:33,545 --> 00:44:37,633
The whole time I was in rehab,
it was very locked down for COVID.
908
00:44:37,633 --> 00:44:39,843
So we never got to leave the building.
909
00:44:39,843 --> 00:44:41,512
But I've heard at some rehabs,
910
00:44:41,512 --> 00:44:43,055
they take you on field trips.
911
00:44:43,555 --> 00:44:45,891
Like the one I was at,
I guess in better times,
912
00:44:45,891 --> 00:44:48,394
you got to go to a farm and meet a horse.
913
00:44:49,603 --> 00:44:51,855
They do it a lot.
It's called equine therapy.
914
00:44:51,855 --> 00:44:55,692
That sounds really nice,
but how bad do you feel for that horse?
915
00:44:57,277 --> 00:45:02,157
It's born being like, "One day I'm going
to win the Kentucky Derby." [chuckles]
916
00:45:02,157 --> 00:45:04,660
And its whole life
it's just junkies being like,
917
00:45:04,660 --> 00:45:06,745
[mimics junkies] "Okay."
918
00:45:06,745 --> 00:45:08,080
[laughter]
919
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:09,706
"All right."
920
00:45:11,667 --> 00:45:14,795
"Petting your strong leg
gives me confidence."
921
00:45:14,795 --> 00:45:16,213
[laughter]
922
00:45:18,507 --> 00:45:22,845
"If I can lift your hoof, it means
I'm ready to have my own apartment."
923
00:45:22,845 --> 00:45:24,513
[laughter]
924
00:45:30,727 --> 00:45:34,857
When I first got to rehab,
one of my biggest fears,
925
00:45:36,024 --> 00:45:39,027
was that everyone
was going to recognize me.
926
00:45:41,572 --> 00:45:42,781
Gradually...
927
00:45:43,323 --> 00:45:44,199
[faint laughter]
928
00:45:44,741 --> 00:45:45,993
...a new fear took over.
929
00:45:45,993 --> 00:45:47,911
[audience laughing hysterically]
930
00:45:51,665 --> 00:45:54,751
I'm not... I'm not,
like exaggerating to be funny.
931
00:45:56,462 --> 00:45:59,548
Fucking no one... [laughs]
932
00:45:59,548 --> 00:46:01,341
[laughter and applause]
933
00:46:04,845 --> 00:46:08,432
- No one knew who I was.
- [audience whistling]
934
00:46:09,183 --> 00:46:13,729
And it was driving me bananas.
935
00:46:13,729 --> 00:46:15,397
[laughter]
936
00:46:19,067 --> 00:46:20,527
Please don't repeat this.
937
00:46:22,362 --> 00:46:24,156
It was in the newspaper
938
00:46:24,656 --> 00:46:27,826
that I was in rehab and I left it out.
939
00:46:27,826 --> 00:46:29,912
- [chuckles]
- [laughter]
940
00:46:30,454 --> 00:46:33,207
I was like, [high-pitched]
"Oh, my God, the paper's here."
941
00:46:33,207 --> 00:46:35,709
"Get in here, you addicts. Oh, my God!"
942
00:46:37,002 --> 00:46:38,879
"Let's... Oh, I wonder what's inside."
943
00:46:43,634 --> 00:46:44,885
[laughter]
944
00:46:49,515 --> 00:46:52,226
Before I realized
that no one knew who I was,
945
00:46:52,226 --> 00:46:53,852
I went to this Welcome Group.
946
00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:56,730
So, like, I went from the detox ward
to the men's ward
947
00:46:56,730 --> 00:46:58,524
where I was gonna live for a few months.
948
00:46:58,524 --> 00:47:00,484
When I got there,
they had a Welcome Group.
949
00:47:00,484 --> 00:47:03,487
And before I walked into the group,
I said to myself,
950
00:47:03,487 --> 00:47:05,531
I was like, "Be modest." [laughs]
951
00:47:05,531 --> 00:47:08,408
[laughter]
952
00:47:08,408 --> 00:47:11,286
So, I go in and I sit down
953
00:47:11,286 --> 00:47:15,249
and I go, "Hi, I'm John M."
954
00:47:17,209 --> 00:47:18,710
[laughter]
955
00:47:20,712 --> 00:47:23,840
And they're all staring at me like,
why are you holding for applause?
956
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:25,592
[laughter]
957
00:47:26,218 --> 00:47:30,055
And this one guy, Lenny, who I later
became really good friends with.
958
00:47:30,055 --> 00:47:32,641
He goes, "What do you do for a living?"
959
00:47:33,267 --> 00:47:35,811
The other guys go,
"What do you do for a living?"
960
00:47:35,811 --> 00:47:37,354
And I was like, ah.
961
00:47:39,898 --> 00:47:42,901
And I go, "I'm a stand-up comedian."
962
00:47:43,485 --> 00:47:45,988
And Lenny goes,
"You make a living that way?"
963
00:47:45,988 --> 00:47:48,323
[laughter]
964
00:47:49,283 --> 00:47:51,243
Like, "Yeah, ask your daughter."
965
00:47:51,243 --> 00:47:53,662
[laughter and applause]
966
00:47:54,913 --> 00:47:57,165
"Or your son if he's not an athlete."
967
00:47:57,165 --> 00:47:59,626
[laughter and applause]
968
00:48:01,962 --> 00:48:03,755
Ask only certain sons.
969
00:48:04,172 --> 00:48:05,716
[laughter]
970
00:48:06,383 --> 00:48:08,594
I got in trouble my second week in rehab.
971
00:48:09,344 --> 00:48:11,888
'Cause I ordered
Outback steakhouse using Postmates.
972
00:48:11,888 --> 00:48:13,515
[laughter]
973
00:48:14,224 --> 00:48:16,268
There were two things
in this Pennsylvania town
974
00:48:16,268 --> 00:48:17,477
where I went to rehab.
975
00:48:17,477 --> 00:48:19,688
There was an Outback
and there was a rehab.
976
00:48:20,397 --> 00:48:23,650
But when I ordered the Outback,
I somehow thought the delivery guy
977
00:48:23,650 --> 00:48:25,777
wouldn't know what the rehab was.
978
00:48:25,777 --> 00:48:29,948
So I gave him the street address
of the rehab as if it was my home.
979
00:48:30,490 --> 00:48:32,909
[chuckles]
And then in the special instructions
980
00:48:32,909 --> 00:48:35,120
I wrote, "Don't stop at the big building."
981
00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:36,663
[laughter]
982
00:48:36,663 --> 00:48:40,959
"Drive up the hill to the brick dorm
and you'll see a 38-year-old man
983
00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:43,962
outside in a robe who's so excited."
984
00:48:44,463 --> 00:48:45,714
[laughter]
985
00:48:47,299 --> 00:48:50,886
So the food arrives,
but it gets confiscated by the RS on duty.
986
00:48:50,886 --> 00:48:52,346
He calls me into his office
987
00:48:52,346 --> 00:48:55,015
and he goes, [angrily]
"This is fucked up. This is serious."
988
00:48:56,016 --> 00:48:57,351
I go, "It's just Outback."
989
00:49:01,271 --> 00:49:03,607
He goes,
"What if it's an Outback dry run?"
990
00:49:04,107 --> 00:49:05,942
I go, "What's an Outback dry run?"
991
00:49:07,110 --> 00:49:10,280
He goes, "Well this time
you order Outback and it's just food,
992
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:12,491
and we laugh it off
and we let it through."
993
00:49:12,491 --> 00:49:14,743
"But what if you left a really big tip,
994
00:49:14,743 --> 00:49:17,663
so that next time you order,
you go, 'Hey, remember me?'"
995
00:49:17,663 --> 00:49:19,665
"'I left you a really big tip.
996
00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:23,293
'I'll give you an even bigger tip
if you get me some drugs.'"
997
00:49:24,711 --> 00:49:27,047
I said, "Oh, my God,
that is a fantastic idea."
998
00:49:27,047 --> 00:49:29,841
- [laughter]
- [man whistling]
999
00:49:33,512 --> 00:49:35,013
I worked hard in rehab.
1000
00:49:35,013 --> 00:49:37,015
I did what my counselors told me.
1001
00:49:37,641 --> 00:49:40,477
When I first got there,
my counselor asked me
1002
00:49:40,477 --> 00:49:44,439
to write an autobiography
of my substance use and abuse.
1003
00:49:44,439 --> 00:49:45,691
I said, "What do you mean?"
1004
00:49:45,691 --> 00:49:49,569
He goes, "Write all the big life points
where you use drugs and alcohol."
1005
00:49:50,404 --> 00:49:53,115
I said, "You mean recently
or starting at age six?"
1006
00:49:53,990 --> 00:49:55,867
He said, "You started drinking then?"
1007
00:49:55,867 --> 00:49:58,203
I said, "Yes."
And then he gave me more paper.
1008
00:49:58,203 --> 00:49:59,788
[laughter]
1009
00:50:00,747 --> 00:50:02,541
I tried alcohol when I was six.
1010
00:50:02,541 --> 00:50:05,419
I don't mean I was at a bar,
having a Manhattan or something.
1011
00:50:05,919 --> 00:50:07,713
We were allowed to try beer and wine.
1012
00:50:07,713 --> 00:50:09,464
My dad told us when we were kids,
1013
00:50:09,464 --> 00:50:12,926
"We have a European approach
towards alcohol in this house."
1014
00:50:12,926 --> 00:50:16,012
That was the only thing
we had a European approach towards.
1015
00:50:16,012 --> 00:50:18,598
Everything else
we had a very Midwestern approach.
1016
00:50:18,598 --> 00:50:21,101
Including Europe. We're like,
"We're not going there."
1017
00:50:21,101 --> 00:50:22,686
[laughter]
1018
00:50:23,770 --> 00:50:27,274
By the time I was 13,
I got drunk every weekend.
1019
00:50:27,274 --> 00:50:30,277
My friends and I would go out
on the streets of Chicago,
1020
00:50:30,277 --> 00:50:31,319
on Lincoln Avenue,
1021
00:50:31,319 --> 00:50:33,405
and we'd stand in front of liquor stores
1022
00:50:33,405 --> 00:50:36,116
and try to get adults to go in
and buy liquor for us.
1023
00:50:36,116 --> 00:50:38,535
This was always a very dramatic process
1024
00:50:38,535 --> 00:50:41,705
- 'cause we were thirteen, we looked nine.
- [faint laughter]
1025
00:50:41,705 --> 00:50:44,875
We'd be sitting out there like little
Charles Dickens' urchins.
1026
00:50:45,417 --> 00:50:47,544
Just like,
"Sir, please. Sir, Sir, please."
1027
00:50:48,044 --> 00:50:49,713
They'd sometimes try to give me money,
1028
00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:51,381
I'd go, "No, I give you money."
1029
00:50:52,132 --> 00:50:55,802
"And you buy me beer in this store,
the one where the cashier is watching
1030
00:50:55,802 --> 00:50:58,805
- this entire exchange through the window."
- [laughter]
1031
00:50:59,681 --> 00:51:01,892
In 8th grade once
I said to my friends, I go,
1032
00:51:01,892 --> 00:51:05,353
"We should only ask couples on dates
1033
00:51:05,353 --> 00:51:09,566
'cause the guy will want to buy beer
for us to look cool
1034
00:51:09,566 --> 00:51:11,193
in front of the girl."
1035
00:51:11,193 --> 00:51:12,986
[scattered laughter and clapping]
1036
00:51:14,112 --> 00:51:17,073
I did not understand
adult first date dynamics.
1037
00:51:17,073 --> 00:51:18,116
[chuckles]
1038
00:51:18,867 --> 00:51:21,244
As if when he's dropping her off,
she'd be like,
1039
00:51:22,204 --> 00:51:23,497
[mimics woman] "You know..."
1040
00:51:24,664 --> 00:51:26,875
[laughter]
1041
00:51:26,875 --> 00:51:29,044
"...I wasn't sure about you
1042
00:51:30,003 --> 00:51:33,298
in the beginning of the night, but...
1043
00:51:34,883 --> 00:51:41,807
when I saw you buy
those two 24 packs of Natty Light,
1044
00:51:42,808 --> 00:51:44,976
using quarters and dimes..."
1045
00:51:44,976 --> 00:51:46,019
[laughter]
1046
00:51:47,312 --> 00:51:52,067
"...and that one bottle of Boone's Farm
for that really specific child..."
1047
00:51:55,946 --> 00:51:57,531
[scattered applause]
1048
00:51:57,531 --> 00:51:59,866
"...I was like, this guy might be a keeper."
1049
00:51:59,866 --> 00:52:01,576
[laughter]
1050
00:52:02,744 --> 00:52:05,622
I started doing drugs when I was 14
1051
00:52:05,622 --> 00:52:08,208
with my two best friends, John and John.
1052
00:52:09,417 --> 00:52:11,294
They're not me. They're other people.
1053
00:52:11,294 --> 00:52:12,712
[laughter]
1054
00:52:12,712 --> 00:52:14,381
They were both named John.
1055
00:52:14,381 --> 00:52:16,925
There was John O'Brien,
John McNulty, and then me.
1056
00:52:16,925 --> 00:52:18,385
My name is John Mulaney.
1057
00:52:18,385 --> 00:52:21,346
And if you didn't know that,
you were probably in rehab with me.
1058
00:52:21,346 --> 00:52:23,515
[laughter]
1059
00:52:24,850 --> 00:52:26,226
One time... [chuckles]
1060
00:52:26,852 --> 00:52:29,688
One time when we were 16,
me, John and John,
1061
00:52:29,688 --> 00:52:32,691
we were in a parking lot at night
and we were smoking a joint.
1062
00:52:32,691 --> 00:52:36,319
We're getting high. And a police car
pulled in out of nowhere like...
1063
00:52:36,319 --> 00:52:39,364
We went, "Shit."
And we threw the joint we had down a sewer
1064
00:52:39,364 --> 00:52:40,949
and we got rid of all of our weed.
1065
00:52:40,949 --> 00:52:42,492
But they still called us over
1066
00:52:42,492 --> 00:52:44,536
and made us
put our hands on the patrol car.
1067
00:52:44,536 --> 00:52:46,496
"Line up and put your hands on the hood."
1068
00:52:46,496 --> 00:52:50,250
So the three of us line up
and we put our hands on the patrol car.
1069
00:52:50,250 --> 00:52:53,003
The police officer walks up
to John O'Brien first
1070
00:52:53,003 --> 00:52:54,880
and he starts to give him a pat down.
1071
00:52:54,880 --> 00:52:56,506
He goes, "What's your name?"
1072
00:52:57,090 --> 00:52:58,675
He goes, "John."
1073
00:52:58,675 --> 00:53:00,802
[laughter]
1074
00:53:04,806 --> 00:53:06,892
Then he goes to John McNulty. [chuckles]
1075
00:53:08,351 --> 00:53:10,186
Starts to give him a pat down.
1076
00:53:10,186 --> 00:53:11,813
He goes, "What's your name?"
1077
00:53:11,813 --> 00:53:13,106
He goes, "John."
1078
00:53:13,106 --> 00:53:14,941
[laughter]
1079
00:53:16,568 --> 00:53:17,861
Then he got to me.
1080
00:53:19,112 --> 00:53:21,615
Before he gave me a pat down,
1081
00:53:21,615 --> 00:53:24,993
he leaned in and whispered in my ear,
1082
00:53:24,993 --> 00:53:28,663
"Your name better fucking not be John."
1083
00:53:28,663 --> 00:53:31,249
[laughter and applause]
1084
00:53:37,464 --> 00:53:39,591
"They call me Baby J
out on these streets."
1085
00:53:40,175 --> 00:53:42,052
[cheering and applauding]
1086
00:53:47,641 --> 00:53:51,227
One thing you do in rehab,
you sit down with your counselor
1087
00:53:51,227 --> 00:53:52,729
and you go through your phone.
1088
00:53:52,729 --> 00:53:55,398
And a lot of times
they'll have you delete and block
1089
00:53:55,398 --> 00:53:58,026
any drug dealers or any bad influences
1090
00:53:58,026 --> 00:53:59,194
numbers that you have.
1091
00:53:59,194 --> 00:54:01,780
In some cases,
you reach out to the people first
1092
00:54:01,780 --> 00:54:04,449
and you tell them,
"Hey, I'm going to delete and block you."
1093
00:54:04,449 --> 00:54:06,618
So that they don't try
to track you down later.
1094
00:54:06,618 --> 00:54:08,787
It's called breaking up with your dealer.
1095
00:54:09,371 --> 00:54:11,498
So I did this one day.
I sat with my counselor,
1096
00:54:11,498 --> 00:54:12,832
I go through my phone.
1097
00:54:12,832 --> 00:54:15,502
I went to my main dealer Arvin, first.
1098
00:54:16,086 --> 00:54:17,879
And I texted him and I said,
1099
00:54:17,879 --> 00:54:20,757
"Hey, I'm deleting and blocking you."
1100
00:54:21,299 --> 00:54:23,301
"I'm never going to buy drugs
from you again."
1101
00:54:23,843 --> 00:54:24,928
"I'm sober now."
1102
00:54:25,595 --> 00:54:27,555
Then I didn't know how to end the text.
1103
00:54:28,223 --> 00:54:30,809
So I go, "But thank you for... [laughs]
1104
00:54:32,227 --> 00:54:35,063
your many years
of inspired professionalism,
1105
00:54:36,314 --> 00:54:38,692
and the many nights that became days."
1106
00:54:40,443 --> 00:54:41,987
I send the text.
1107
00:54:41,987 --> 00:54:45,073
Before I can delete and block him,
Arvin texts me back.
1108
00:54:45,949 --> 00:54:49,828
He goes, "Hey, I'm so proud of you
for getting sober."
1109
00:54:51,287 --> 00:54:52,497
Then he writes,
1110
00:54:52,497 --> 00:54:56,918
"You know,
I only bought drugs to sell to you
1111
00:54:57,711 --> 00:54:59,587
'cause I was worried about you
1112
00:55:00,130 --> 00:55:03,216
and I didn't want you
to get worse stuff off the street."
1113
00:55:04,968 --> 00:55:06,219
[laughter]
1114
00:55:06,219 --> 00:55:07,554
I know.
1115
00:55:07,554 --> 00:55:10,181
And I'm breaking up with this guy?
1116
00:55:10,181 --> 00:55:11,850
[laughter]
1117
00:55:15,812 --> 00:55:17,188
So I... I can't delete him now.
1118
00:55:17,188 --> 00:55:18,481
I text him back.
1119
00:55:19,399 --> 00:55:20,525
I go, "You sweet man."
1120
00:55:20,942 --> 00:55:22,193
[laughter]
1121
00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:27,157
I said... I said, "You only
bought drugs to sell to me?"
1122
00:55:28,033 --> 00:55:28,992
He says, "Yeah."
1123
00:55:30,076 --> 00:55:34,039
I say,
"Did you sell drugs to other people?"
1124
00:55:35,623 --> 00:55:36,541
He says, "No."
1125
00:55:36,541 --> 00:55:37,959
[soft laughter]
1126
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:43,590
Then I say,
"Hey, this is a weird time to ask,
1127
00:55:44,716 --> 00:55:46,384
but are you a drug dealer?"
1128
00:55:46,593 --> 00:55:48,136
[laughter]
1129
00:55:48,762 --> 00:55:52,223
He goes,
"No, I'm a painter, we talked about this."
1130
00:55:52,223 --> 00:55:53,475
[laughter]
1131
00:55:54,893 --> 00:55:55,727
[scattered applause]
1132
00:55:57,437 --> 00:56:00,398
Boston, to this day,
1133
00:56:01,441 --> 00:56:06,112
I have no idea how I know this person.
1134
00:56:06,112 --> 00:56:07,822
[laughter]
1135
00:56:11,826 --> 00:56:13,369
So I text him back.
1136
00:56:14,496 --> 00:56:15,538
And I say,
1137
00:56:16,247 --> 00:56:20,293
"How did it come to be..."
1138
00:56:20,293 --> 00:56:21,795
[laughter]
1139
00:56:23,588 --> 00:56:25,632
"...that you sell me drugs?"
1140
00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:28,009
And he wrote back,
1141
00:56:28,968 --> 00:56:30,011
"I don't know."
1142
00:56:30,929 --> 00:56:32,639
"You just kept asking."
1143
00:56:32,639 --> 00:56:34,557
[audience laughing hysterically]
1144
00:56:35,558 --> 00:56:36,935
I like that story
1145
00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:41,272
'cause there are many
tales of drug dealers
1146
00:56:41,272 --> 00:56:44,859
who have turned innocent people
into drug addicts.
1147
00:56:44,859 --> 00:56:46,611
[laughter]
1148
00:56:47,529 --> 00:56:49,823
I might be the first drug addict
1149
00:56:51,032 --> 00:56:52,784
to turn an innocent man
1150
00:56:54,410 --> 00:56:55,829
into a drug dealer.
1151
00:56:55,829 --> 00:56:57,247
[all applauding]
1152
00:56:57,247 --> 00:56:59,124
And that is the promise of J.
1153
00:56:59,124 --> 00:57:01,084
[cheering and whistling]
1154
00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:09,134
In rehab,
we would sit around in group a lot.
1155
00:57:09,717 --> 00:57:11,719
And we would sit around and share stories
1156
00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:15,014
of the most desperate things
we did to get drugs.
1157
00:57:15,807 --> 00:57:18,601
And I would like to share
one of those with you now.
1158
00:57:19,394 --> 00:57:21,438
So a little context for this story.
1159
00:57:22,188 --> 00:57:25,066
Uh, in January of 2020,
1160
00:57:25,608 --> 00:57:27,777
I'm very addicted to cocaine.
1161
00:57:27,777 --> 00:57:29,028
I want to stop.
1162
00:57:29,612 --> 00:57:32,490
Uh, so rather than
talk to a drug counselor,
1163
00:57:32,490 --> 00:57:34,200
or any type of counselor
1164
00:57:34,200 --> 00:57:37,954
or a therapist or a doctor
or literally anyone in my life,
1165
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:40,165
I call my accountant.
1166
00:57:41,583 --> 00:57:43,626
And I go, "Hey, I'm addicted to coke."
1167
00:57:44,419 --> 00:57:46,379
"You need to stop giving me money."
1168
00:57:46,921 --> 00:57:49,007
"Don't give me any cash."
1169
00:57:49,007 --> 00:57:51,217
He goes, "God,
this is not what I signed up for."
1170
00:57:51,217 --> 00:57:52,844
[laughter]
1171
00:57:52,844 --> 00:57:57,348
I go, "The only way you can give me cash
is if I email you and CC my doctor."
1172
00:57:57,348 --> 00:57:58,808
"That's the new rule."
1173
00:57:59,309 --> 00:58:00,477
I hang up the phone.
1174
00:58:01,269 --> 00:58:03,062
I'm immediately mad about the rule.
1175
00:58:03,855 --> 00:58:05,023
[laughter]
1176
00:58:05,023 --> 00:58:06,691
I'm like, "It's my money."
1177
00:58:07,942 --> 00:58:11,321
"Son of a bitch wants me
to email him with my doctor?"
1178
00:58:13,114 --> 00:58:15,450
So rather than pick up the phone
and call him back
1179
00:58:15,450 --> 00:58:17,619
and say, "Hey, that's not a rule anymore."
1180
00:58:17,619 --> 00:58:19,704
Which I could totally do
because I'm a grown man
1181
00:58:19,704 --> 00:58:21,039
and he works for me.
1182
00:58:21,039 --> 00:58:23,750
Instead, I spend the next six months
1183
00:58:24,250 --> 00:58:28,046
finding elaborate ways
to steal my own money
1184
00:58:29,047 --> 00:58:30,006
from myself.
1185
00:58:30,006 --> 00:58:32,091
[laughter]
1186
00:58:32,091 --> 00:58:36,054
In August of 2020, I was very strung out.
1187
00:58:36,679 --> 00:58:38,181
I desperately wanted cocaine.
1188
00:58:38,973 --> 00:58:43,019
And I realized I still had
a credit card that worked.
1189
00:58:43,895 --> 00:58:47,690
And I decided I was going
to buy a Rolex watch
1190
00:58:48,233 --> 00:58:49,442
with my credit card
1191
00:58:49,984 --> 00:58:51,694
and pawn it for cash
1192
00:58:52,320 --> 00:58:53,655
five minutes later.
1193
00:58:55,490 --> 00:58:57,200
I'm pretty good at reading a room.
1194
00:58:58,201 --> 00:59:00,995
You're all very impressed by this plan.
1195
00:59:00,995 --> 00:59:02,580
[laughter]
1196
00:59:04,082 --> 00:59:06,543
So, one day in August of 2020,
1197
00:59:06,543 --> 00:59:09,796
when it is 100 degrees Fahrenheit outside,
1198
00:59:09,796 --> 00:59:14,926
I walk in to the Rolex store
on Madison Avenue in Manhattan.
1199
00:59:14,926 --> 00:59:15,843
I walk in.
1200
00:59:15,843 --> 00:59:17,845
All the guys in there are in suits.
1201
00:59:17,845 --> 00:59:21,349
And they're going like,
"Hmm, watches... Switzerland..."
1202
00:59:21,849 --> 00:59:23,476
They move like animatronics.
1203
00:59:24,477 --> 00:59:25,353
I walk in there.
1204
00:59:25,353 --> 00:59:29,107
I'm wearing very light jeans,
cuffed twice at the ankle,
1205
00:59:29,107 --> 00:59:33,027
white Reebok sneakers,
white socks, a very long white T-shirt,
1206
00:59:33,027 --> 00:59:34,445
a white baseball cap.
1207
00:59:34,445 --> 00:59:36,114
I am chewing Nicorette gum.
1208
00:59:36,114 --> 00:59:41,035
I have a JanSport backpack
hiked up as high as it can possibly go.
1209
00:59:41,035 --> 00:59:43,496
I am 38 years old.
1210
00:59:43,496 --> 00:59:45,248
[audience laughing hysterically]
1211
00:59:46,165 --> 00:59:47,333
I walk into the store
1212
00:59:47,333 --> 00:59:50,169
and I walked up
to the first display case I saw,
1213
00:59:50,169 --> 00:59:52,380
and I went, "That one. Hi!"
1214
00:59:52,380 --> 00:59:53,965
"That one. I loved that watch."
1215
00:59:53,965 --> 00:59:55,758
"I want that watch, please."
1216
00:59:55,758 --> 00:59:58,469
The salesmen turns around.
He has a handkerchief already
1217
00:59:58,469 --> 00:59:59,679
like he's a magician.
1218
01:00:00,638 --> 01:00:01,764
He goes, "Ah!"
1219
01:00:03,016 --> 01:00:05,602
"I see you're looking
at the rose gold watch."
1220
01:00:06,185 --> 01:00:08,605
"Would you like to see
any other time pieces?"
1221
01:00:09,147 --> 01:00:11,149
I go, "No, no,
I'm not interested in timepieces."
1222
01:00:11,149 --> 01:00:13,526
"Just watches. That's the one I want."
1223
01:00:13,526 --> 01:00:14,485
"I researched it."
1224
01:00:14,485 --> 01:00:16,779
"I know everything about it.
Give me the watch, please."
1225
01:00:17,322 --> 01:00:20,033
He opens the display case,
he takes the watch out.
1226
01:00:20,033 --> 01:00:22,660
It's on its own little, like, suede bed,
you know.
1227
01:00:23,453 --> 01:00:26,581
He goes, "Shall we try it on your wrist?"
1228
01:00:26,581 --> 01:00:28,458
I go, "No time. No need."
1229
01:00:29,042 --> 01:00:30,168
"It's not for me."
1230
01:00:30,168 --> 01:00:33,588
"It's a gift for my brother,
and I know his wrist so well."
1231
01:00:35,048 --> 01:00:36,591
"When you're brothers, you look over."
1232
01:00:36,716 --> 01:00:38,343
"We shared a room, I'd see his wrists,
1233
01:00:38,343 --> 01:00:40,762
so I know it's going to be perfect."
1234
01:00:41,346 --> 01:00:43,931
He goes, "Ah! A gift for your brother."
1235
01:00:44,599 --> 01:00:49,479
"And tell me,
what rings does your brother wear?"
1236
01:00:49,479 --> 01:00:50,521
I go... "What?"
1237
01:00:50,980 --> 01:00:52,357
[laughter]
1238
01:00:52,357 --> 01:00:54,150
"Is this some kind of a riddle?"
1239
01:00:54,150 --> 01:00:55,777
[laughter]
1240
01:00:56,569 --> 01:01:00,156
"Is this the initiation
to some Yale White People Society?"
1241
01:01:00,156 --> 01:01:01,407
[laughter]
1242
01:01:01,407 --> 01:01:04,077
"What do you mean,
what kind of rings does my brother wear?"
1243
01:01:04,202 --> 01:01:05,620
He goes, "Well...
1244
01:01:05,745 --> 01:01:10,375
uh, if your brother wears rings
of yellow or white gold,
1245
01:01:10,917 --> 01:01:13,461
you may not want a rose gold watch."
1246
01:01:14,003 --> 01:01:17,590
"As you may know,
you should never mix metals."
1247
01:01:18,341 --> 01:01:21,594
I go, "First off, I'm insulted
you only think I might know that."
1248
01:01:21,594 --> 01:01:23,054
[laughter]
1249
01:01:23,054 --> 01:01:26,057
"I definitely know that
as well as all other facts."
1250
01:01:26,057 --> 01:01:27,975
[laughter]
1251
01:01:27,975 --> 01:01:29,102
"I never mix--"
1252
01:01:29,102 --> 01:01:32,271
"I wouldn't put, uh, an aluminum can
next to a teakettle."
1253
01:01:32,271 --> 01:01:35,400
- [laughter]
- "I wouldn't put a trumpet on a radiator."
1254
01:01:35,942 --> 01:01:39,862
"I... Call me old fashioned
but I believe in this strict segregation."
1255
01:01:39,862 --> 01:01:43,658
"You heard me.
Segregation of metals within the home."
1256
01:01:44,742 --> 01:01:48,121
"Secondly, my brother has no rings
and he never will."
1257
01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:50,373
"He never will.
My brother, oh, he has no fingers."
1258
01:01:50,373 --> 01:01:51,958
- "He has a stump."
- [laughter]
1259
01:01:51,958 --> 01:01:53,668
"That... He has a stump of a hand."
1260
01:01:53,668 --> 01:01:56,629
"That's what the watch is for.
Don't you see?"
1261
01:01:56,629 --> 01:01:59,882
"The watch will adorn the stump,
so that when he looks down
1262
01:01:59,882 --> 01:02:02,885
at this foul thing,
he will see the beautiful watch."
1263
01:02:02,885 --> 01:02:06,347
"And he will think only of the generosity
of his little brother
1264
01:02:06,347 --> 01:02:10,893
and not the horrible Vitamix accident
that claimed his digits."
1265
01:02:10,893 --> 01:02:12,478
"Sell me the watch, please."
1266
01:02:12,478 --> 01:02:14,897
[laughter and applause]
1267
01:02:15,022 --> 01:02:19,193
The guy takes out a green Rolex box
and he opens it, puts the watch in.
1268
01:02:19,193 --> 01:02:21,446
There's a little cardboard card
in the box.
1269
01:02:21,446 --> 01:02:24,449
He takes out a fountain pen
and he's writing on the card...
1270
01:02:24,991 --> 01:02:26,659
for what I thought was too long.
1271
01:02:27,744 --> 01:02:31,164
I was like, "Jesus Christ,
is he writing a letter to the watch?"
1272
01:02:31,164 --> 01:02:32,790
"He knows I'm going to pawn it,
1273
01:02:32,790 --> 01:02:35,209
wants it to have a letter
to know where it came from."
1274
01:02:35,209 --> 01:02:38,504
"Everyone in this store
knows I'm about to pawn this watch."
1275
01:02:38,504 --> 01:02:41,299
"They think I'm dirt,
but I'm not. I'm God."
1276
01:02:41,299 --> 01:02:43,259
That's what's going through my head.
1277
01:02:44,385 --> 01:02:46,053
The guy takes out a ribbon
1278
01:02:46,053 --> 01:02:48,097
and I go,
[aggressively] "No. No gift wrap."
1279
01:02:48,973 --> 01:02:52,268
He goes, [calmly]
"I thought you said this was a gift."
1280
01:02:52,268 --> 01:02:55,188
I go, "No. But my brother and I,
we're not like that."
1281
01:02:55,188 --> 01:02:58,065
"We're not fancy.
I'm going to run past his house."
1282
01:02:58,065 --> 01:03:00,276
"I'm going to throw the watch in the air."
1283
01:03:00,276 --> 01:03:02,737
"He's going to catch it on his stump."
1284
01:03:02,737 --> 01:03:05,323
"I can't show up with some
big elaborate ribbon."
1285
01:03:05,323 --> 01:03:09,035
"And how would my brother even untie that?
I confided in you."
1286
01:03:09,452 --> 01:03:14,081
"I confided in you about his condition
and now you're giving me all this."
1287
01:03:14,081 --> 01:03:16,709
"What do you expect him to do?
Pull it apart with his teeth?"
1288
01:03:16,709 --> 01:03:18,586
"Sell me the watch for cocaine."
1289
01:03:18,586 --> 01:03:20,588
[audience laughing hysterically]
1290
01:03:21,672 --> 01:03:22,757
[applause, whistling]
1291
01:03:22,757 --> 01:03:25,259
He takes my credit card. He runs it.
1292
01:03:26,427 --> 01:03:29,680
He gives me my card back.
He takes out a Rolex shopping bag.
1293
01:03:29,680 --> 01:03:34,227
I immediately spin my JanSport backpack
around, opened and unzipped.
1294
01:03:34,227 --> 01:03:35,728
And I go, "No need."
1295
01:03:35,728 --> 01:03:37,146
[laughter]
1296
01:03:38,314 --> 01:03:40,691
He puts the watch box in my backpack.
1297
01:03:41,317 --> 01:03:44,946
I zip it up. Before I'm even out
the door of the store,
1298
01:03:44,946 --> 01:03:47,657
I take out my phone and I google,
1299
01:03:47,657 --> 01:03:50,660
'Where sell watch right now
in New York City.'
1300
01:03:51,702 --> 01:03:56,582
A place called 'Sell your watch right now
NYC' comes up.
1301
01:03:56,582 --> 01:03:59,210
I was like, "Finally, someone in this town
gets me."
1302
01:03:59,210 --> 01:04:00,586
[laughter]
1303
01:04:00,586 --> 01:04:02,839
I call the place and I go,
1304
01:04:02,839 --> 01:04:05,800
"Hello. Um, yes,
I have a Rolex watch to sell."
1305
01:04:05,800 --> 01:04:07,009
"May I come in today?"
1306
01:04:07,009 --> 01:04:09,720
The guy goes, "Yes, yes.
What time do you want to come in?"
1307
01:04:09,720 --> 01:04:13,474
I go, "I am two minutes away
and I am sprinting towards your store."
1308
01:04:13,474 --> 01:04:14,892
"I will be there in one minute."
1309
01:04:14,892 --> 01:04:17,228
And he goes,
"Okay, I'm across the street at lunch."
1310
01:04:17,228 --> 01:04:18,646
"I'll start running too."
1311
01:04:18,646 --> 01:04:22,024
[chuckling] So now he and I
are both running down 47th Street.
1312
01:04:22,024 --> 01:04:25,611
My backpack is flying back and forth
to either side
1313
01:04:25,611 --> 01:04:27,363
like an old lady's big bosoms
1314
01:04:27,363 --> 01:04:30,199
when she jumps up and down
on the showcase showdown.
1315
01:04:30,199 --> 01:04:31,409
[laughter]
1316
01:04:31,409 --> 01:04:34,745
We get to his business.
It's above one of those big Diamond Martz,
1317
01:04:34,745 --> 01:04:36,747
but his office is upstairs.
so we go upstairs.
1318
01:04:36,747 --> 01:04:38,875
He buzzes me in
through two bulletproof glass doors.
1319
01:04:38,875 --> 01:04:40,459
You've seen Uncut Gems.
1320
01:04:41,460 --> 01:04:46,257
We go into his office and we sit down,
and now I have to change gears.
1321
01:04:46,257 --> 01:04:48,718
Because, yes,
I've been frenzied all morning,
1322
01:04:48,718 --> 01:04:50,678
but I'm now selling the watch.
1323
01:04:50,678 --> 01:04:53,306
I can't act desperate to sell it.
1324
01:04:53,306 --> 01:04:55,057
I need to get the right price.
1325
01:04:55,892 --> 01:04:57,602
So I have to play it very cool.
1326
01:04:58,227 --> 01:05:00,104
So I slowly removed my backpack,
1327
01:05:00,771 --> 01:05:05,026
revealing a perfect outline of sweat
on the straps and back.
1328
01:05:06,611 --> 01:05:09,363
He offers me water,
which I immediately refuse.
1329
01:05:10,031 --> 01:05:13,200
Despite the fact that my lips
are sticking to my teeth.
1330
01:05:13,743 --> 01:05:14,785
[laughter]
1331
01:05:15,286 --> 01:05:18,664
I say, "Hello.
I have a beautiful watch to sell."
1332
01:05:18,664 --> 01:05:20,249
"I'm in no hurry to sell it."
1333
01:05:20,958 --> 01:05:22,668
"I've had it for many years."
1334
01:05:24,003 --> 01:05:27,173
"I've never worn it either,
so it's in perfect condition."
1335
01:05:27,173 --> 01:05:29,467
He goes, "You've had this watch
for many years?"
1336
01:05:29,467 --> 01:05:30,885
I go, "That is correct."
1337
01:05:30,885 --> 01:05:32,762
He goes, "Why don't you wear it then?"
1338
01:05:32,887 --> 01:05:36,182
I said, "Oh, I would love
to wear this watch."
1339
01:05:37,058 --> 01:05:40,019
"But you see, I wear rings..."
1340
01:05:40,019 --> 01:05:41,938
[audience laughing hysterically]
1341
01:05:41,938 --> 01:05:46,400
"...of yellow gold, and silver gold."
1342
01:05:46,400 --> 01:05:48,194
[laughter]
1343
01:05:49,487 --> 01:05:51,238
"And as we both know..."
1344
01:05:51,238 --> 01:05:52,740
[laughter]
1345
01:05:53,491 --> 01:05:55,159
"...you must never mush metals."
1346
01:05:55,701 --> 01:05:57,411
[woman in audience] "Mush metals."
1347
01:05:58,204 --> 01:06:03,084
The guy opens the Rolex watch box
he looks in, he looks at the little card
1348
01:06:03,084 --> 01:06:05,544
that the guy was writing
with a fountain pen on.
1349
01:06:05,544 --> 01:06:09,215
He looks at the card. He looks at me.
He looks at the card.
1350
01:06:10,383 --> 01:06:12,760
He goes,
"You've had this watch for many years?"
1351
01:06:13,761 --> 01:06:15,054
I go, "Uh-huh."
1352
01:06:15,054 --> 01:06:17,264
He goes, "This is today's date."
1353
01:06:17,264 --> 01:06:19,016
[laughter]
1354
01:06:19,725 --> 01:06:23,062
And I said, "That's right."
1355
01:06:23,062 --> 01:06:25,773
[laughter]
1356
01:06:25,773 --> 01:06:27,149
And I stared at him...
1357
01:06:28,442 --> 01:06:32,655
with all the charm and charisma
left in my drug-addled body,
1358
01:06:33,739 --> 01:06:36,117
hoping I could somehow bend logic
1359
01:06:37,284 --> 01:06:39,829
to make both things be true at once.
1360
01:06:40,913 --> 01:06:43,290
I have had this watch for many years.
1361
01:06:44,083 --> 01:06:47,461
And that is today's date.
1362
01:06:47,461 --> 01:06:49,130
[laughter]
1363
01:06:50,131 --> 01:06:55,845
At this point, he realizes
he has the upper hand in this negotiation.
1364
01:06:55,845 --> 01:06:56,929
[laughter]
1365
01:06:58,014 --> 01:07:01,183
I bought the watch for $12,000.
1366
01:07:03,185 --> 01:07:06,022
Before you all flip out...
1367
01:07:06,022 --> 01:07:07,732
[laughter]
1368
01:07:08,315 --> 01:07:12,945
...please remember, watches depreciate...
1369
01:07:15,156 --> 01:07:17,074
within seconds of leaving the store.
1370
01:07:21,537 --> 01:07:23,706
I bought the watch for $12,000.
1371
01:07:24,749 --> 01:07:27,084
He goes, "$5000." I go. "No."
1372
01:07:27,084 --> 01:07:30,755
- He goes, "$6000." I go, "Yes."
- [laughter]
1373
01:07:32,548 --> 01:07:33,632
I feel your judgment.
1374
01:07:35,509 --> 01:07:37,219
You must think I'm pretty stupid.
1375
01:07:38,804 --> 01:07:40,181
Well, let me ask you this.
1376
01:07:41,265 --> 01:07:43,142
Why don't you name a better way...
1377
01:07:44,185 --> 01:07:46,145
to make $6000...
1378
01:07:47,146 --> 01:07:48,439
in five minutes...
1379
01:07:48,439 --> 01:07:50,149
[laughter]
1380
01:07:50,149 --> 01:07:51,734
by only spending...
1381
01:07:51,734 --> 01:07:55,696
- [laughter]
- ...$12,000?
1382
01:07:55,696 --> 01:07:58,157
[laughter and applause]
1383
01:07:58,783 --> 01:07:59,784
And...
1384
01:08:02,244 --> 01:08:06,624
as you process and digest how obnoxious,
1385
01:08:07,500 --> 01:08:11,545
wasteful and unlikable that story is,
1386
01:08:12,880 --> 01:08:14,006
just remember,
1387
01:08:15,257 --> 01:08:17,176
that's one I'm willing to tell you.
1388
01:08:17,176 --> 01:08:18,511
[laughter]
1389
01:08:18,511 --> 01:08:20,554
[cheering and applauding]
1390
01:08:29,105 --> 01:08:31,232
It's weird to be a recovering drug addict.
1391
01:08:31,774 --> 01:08:34,860
It was weird to be a drug addict,
but at least I was on drugs.
1392
01:08:34,860 --> 01:08:36,028
[laughter]
1393
01:08:36,028 --> 01:08:39,031
It's strange sometimes,
you know, like I'm doing great.
1394
01:08:39,031 --> 01:08:43,077
But when I'm alone,
I'm with the person that tried to kill me.
1395
01:08:44,245 --> 01:08:46,956
Sometimes I walk past a mirror,
I'm like, "This fucking guy again."
1396
01:08:46,956 --> 01:08:47,915
"Jesus."
1397
01:08:48,958 --> 01:08:51,627
That is kind of
a creepy feeling sometimes.
1398
01:08:52,253 --> 01:08:53,754
But it's also a nice feeling.
1399
01:08:54,338 --> 01:08:56,966
It gives me a strange kind
of confidence sometimes,
1400
01:08:57,675 --> 01:09:03,222
because, like, look, I... I used to care
what everyone thought about me...
1401
01:09:04,098 --> 01:09:06,016
so much. It was all I cared about.
1402
01:09:06,016 --> 01:09:08,853
All I cared about
was what other people thought of me.
1403
01:09:09,395 --> 01:09:10,771
And I don't anymore.
1404
01:09:11,438 --> 01:09:18,070
And I don't because I can honestly say,
what is someone going to do to me
1405
01:09:18,612 --> 01:09:21,574
that's worse
than what I would do to myself.
1406
01:09:22,658 --> 01:09:25,035
What, are you going to cancel
John Mulaney?
1407
01:09:25,035 --> 01:09:27,037
I'll kill him.
1408
01:09:27,037 --> 01:09:29,832
[laughter]
1409
01:09:29,832 --> 01:09:31,667
[scattered applause]
1410
01:09:31,667 --> 01:09:33,002
I almost did.
1411
01:09:35,629 --> 01:09:37,006
[woman cackling]
1412
01:09:37,006 --> 01:09:40,301
I was in a museum in Detroit with my son.
1413
01:09:40,301 --> 01:09:43,053
I was pushing him in a stroller
through this big room
1414
01:09:43,053 --> 01:09:45,681
where they have all these
Diego Rivera murals.
1415
01:09:46,640 --> 01:09:50,728
And I was explaining to my son, Malcolm.
He was about nine months at the time.
1416
01:09:50,728 --> 01:09:53,272
Diego Rivera was brilliant
but a communist.
1417
01:09:53,272 --> 01:09:55,065
[laughter]
1418
01:09:56,817 --> 01:10:00,404
And Malcolm was just blowing kisses
to inanimate objects
1419
01:10:00,404 --> 01:10:03,908
and crossing his eyes
as he shit his diaper.
1420
01:10:03,908 --> 01:10:05,492
[laughter]
1421
01:10:07,036 --> 01:10:11,415
And I'd never been out with him and had
to change a diaper alone in public before.
1422
01:10:11,415 --> 01:10:14,460
So I went up to the museum docent,
and I said,
1423
01:10:14,460 --> 01:10:16,712
"Is there anywhere I can change my baby?"
1424
01:10:16,712 --> 01:10:19,048
And she goes, "Yeah,
the men's room would be fine."
1425
01:10:19,048 --> 01:10:21,550
I go, "Okay."
And I push him in the men's room.
1426
01:10:22,134 --> 01:10:24,762
And I walk in there
and I look on the wall.
1427
01:10:24,762 --> 01:10:26,805
[laughter]
1428
01:10:26,805 --> 01:10:28,766
[scattered applause]
1429
01:10:32,770 --> 01:10:33,979
"Hello, old friend."
1430
01:10:33,979 --> 01:10:35,564
[laughing and cheering]
1431
01:10:42,988 --> 01:10:45,366
My life is in a much,
much better place now.
1432
01:10:46,033 --> 01:10:52,164
But... if I ever feel
that I need a reminder...
1433
01:10:52,164 --> 01:10:53,332
Thank you very much.
1434
01:10:53,958 --> 01:10:57,920
...of just how bad things used to be.
1435
01:10:58,629 --> 01:11:00,798
I luckily, have this
1436
01:11:01,465 --> 01:11:06,470
This is an interview
that I gave to GQ magazine,
1437
01:11:08,264 --> 01:11:13,269
that I have absolutely
no memory of giving.
1438
01:11:13,269 --> 01:11:14,937
[laughter]
1439
01:11:15,896 --> 01:11:19,817
Have you ever had a conversation on drugs
that you don't remember the next day?
1440
01:11:19,817 --> 01:11:23,529
- Was it a very long interview?
- [laughter]
1441
01:11:25,239 --> 01:11:29,827
I gave this interview December 15th, 2020.
1442
01:11:29,827 --> 01:11:32,079
My intervention was December 18th.
1443
01:11:32,079 --> 01:11:33,455
[faint laughter]
1444
01:11:33,455 --> 01:11:35,291
So it's bad that it was before.
1445
01:11:36,875 --> 01:11:40,004
I guess what happened was
a reporter called me and he said,
1446
01:11:40,004 --> 01:11:43,841
"Hey, I'd like to interview you."
I was on a lot of cocaine,
1447
01:11:44,633 --> 01:11:47,052
and I don't know if you know
how cocaine works,
1448
01:11:47,052 --> 01:11:48,846
but that is great news.
1449
01:11:48,846 --> 01:11:50,848
[laughter]
1450
01:11:50,848 --> 01:11:53,976
So I want to share a few highlights
from this interview
1451
01:11:53,976 --> 01:11:56,103
that I have no memory of giving.
1452
01:11:56,103 --> 01:11:59,231
Beginning with a line
in their introduction, which says,
1453
01:11:59,231 --> 01:12:05,279
"GQ hopped on the phone with the comedian,
for a wide ranging conversation."
1454
01:12:05,279 --> 01:12:07,072
[laughter]
1455
01:12:09,658 --> 01:12:14,079
First question.
"GQ: What are you up to today?"
1456
01:12:14,663 --> 01:12:17,875
"Mulaney: I walked past what is supposedly
1457
01:12:17,875 --> 01:12:20,377
the most haunted building
in New York City."
1458
01:12:20,377 --> 01:12:22,296
[laughter]
1459
01:12:27,217 --> 01:12:29,511
"GQ: Oh!"
1460
01:12:29,511 --> 01:12:31,513
[laughter]
1461
01:12:32,806 --> 01:12:34,183
"Where is that?"
1462
01:12:34,183 --> 01:12:36,727
"Mulaney: It's a vacuum cleaner store,
1463
01:12:36,727 --> 01:12:41,190
and it's on 14th between 5th and 6th,
and it used to be a boarding house."
1464
01:12:41,190 --> 01:12:45,110
"My, oh my, apparently just
incredibly haunted,
1465
01:12:45,110 --> 01:12:47,696
and I'm talking like Poltergeist haunted."
1466
01:12:47,696 --> 01:12:48,739
[laughter]
1467
01:12:52,368 --> 01:12:54,995
"GQ: Okay."
1468
01:12:54,995 --> 01:12:57,122
[laughter]
1469
01:12:59,917 --> 01:13:02,878
"Did you get a chill or a bad vibe?"
1470
01:13:02,878 --> 01:13:06,423
"Mulaney:
It doesn't give me a bad vibe anymore."
1471
01:13:06,423 --> 01:13:09,802
"I think when I first walked
past it, I knew what it was."
1472
01:13:09,802 --> 01:13:11,720
"So maybe I faked the bad vibes."
1473
01:13:12,763 --> 01:13:13,764
What?
1474
01:13:13,764 --> 01:13:15,516
[laughter]
1475
01:13:18,852 --> 01:13:20,479
What could he mean?
1476
01:13:21,897 --> 01:13:24,525
By the way, they have editors.
They could have helped me out.
1477
01:13:24,525 --> 01:13:25,901
[laughter]
1478
01:13:26,610 --> 01:13:29,696
"I think when I first walked
past it, I knew what it was."
1479
01:13:29,696 --> 01:13:31,990
"So maybe I faked the bad vibes."
1480
01:13:31,990 --> 01:13:35,411
"Although I walked by a house
that was haunted in Los Angeles once,
1481
01:13:35,411 --> 01:13:36,745
I didn't know it was haunted."
1482
01:13:36,745 --> 01:13:38,956
"I was just kind of like,
'Oh, what's this house?'"
1483
01:13:38,956 --> 01:13:41,583
"And then slowly, I was like,
'Nah, I don't like this house.'"
1484
01:13:41,708 --> 01:13:43,836
"'I'm going to walk away
from here with my dog.'"
1485
01:13:43,836 --> 01:13:46,839
"And then I found out it was called
the murder house of Los Feliz."
1486
01:13:46,964 --> 01:13:49,383
"And then I found out
that it had a terrible history."
1487
01:13:49,383 --> 01:13:51,844
"Yes, that's the only time
that I've really had
1488
01:13:51,844 --> 01:13:55,514
a creeping sense of ghouls
and ghosts out of nowhere,
1489
01:13:55,639 --> 01:13:57,891
and then have it to be proven
totally correct."
1490
01:13:57,891 --> 01:13:59,560
[laughter]
1491
01:13:59,560 --> 01:14:01,603
[cheering and applauding]
1492
01:14:04,356 --> 01:14:05,274
No.
1493
01:14:06,859 --> 01:14:11,655
There was not another question
asked in the midst of that run,
1494
01:14:12,948 --> 01:14:15,033
I am still answering the question,
1495
01:14:16,535 --> 01:14:18,120
"What did you do today?"
1496
01:14:18,120 --> 01:14:19,788
[laughter]
1497
01:14:23,041 --> 01:14:26,712
Also, I goddamn love
that I used the word "ghouls."
1498
01:14:26,712 --> 01:14:28,338
[laughter]
1499
01:14:29,089 --> 01:14:30,591
When do you get to say that?
1500
01:14:34,303 --> 01:14:36,221
Next question. "GQ:
1501
01:14:37,014 --> 01:14:41,018
I want to talk to you about how this year
has been for you creatively
1502
01:14:41,018 --> 01:14:42,853
because around this time last year,
1503
01:14:42,853 --> 01:14:45,105
you were coming off
of the Sack Lunch Bunch,
1504
01:14:45,105 --> 01:14:49,485
which was arguably one of your biggest
creative risks, and it really paid off."
1505
01:14:49,485 --> 01:14:53,530
"How has your creative process
been impacted by this year?"
1506
01:14:53,530 --> 01:14:56,325
"Mulaney: [excitedly]
If you heard that spoon drop,
1507
01:14:56,325 --> 01:14:58,702
it's 'cause I'm eating a bowl
of fruit loops."
1508
01:14:58,702 --> 01:15:01,413
[audience laughing hysterically]
1509
01:15:01,413 --> 01:15:03,207
[scattered applause]
1510
01:15:07,628 --> 01:15:08,545
Phenomenal.
1511
01:15:09,505 --> 01:15:10,797
Phenomenal answer...
1512
01:15:12,216 --> 01:15:13,884
to any question in life.
1513
01:15:15,385 --> 01:15:19,973
Always call out and identify
every noise in a room.
1514
01:15:21,058 --> 01:15:22,935
It doesn't come off paranoid...
1515
01:15:23,810 --> 01:15:24,728
at all.
1516
01:15:29,316 --> 01:15:30,317
Next question.
1517
01:15:31,026 --> 01:15:36,782
"GQ Magazine: Watching you on late night
with Seth Meyers made me wonder,
1518
01:15:36,782 --> 01:15:38,992
would you ever want your own talk show?"
1519
01:15:38,992 --> 01:15:41,286
"Mulaney: Okay. So..."
1520
01:15:42,120 --> 01:15:44,957
[cheerfully]
"I had two ideas for a talk show once."
1521
01:15:44,957 --> 01:15:48,335
[in normal voice] Let's pause
and appreciate that sentence for a sec.
1522
01:15:48,335 --> 01:15:51,922
"I had two ideas for a talk show once."
1523
01:15:52,798 --> 01:15:54,216
[high-pitched] "And by ideas,
1524
01:15:54,216 --> 01:15:57,302
I mean, I thought about them
in the privacy of my own room."
1525
01:15:57,302 --> 01:15:58,929
[laughter]
1526
01:16:01,056 --> 01:16:04,977
"One idea would be just interviewing
people who do anything that interests me."
1527
01:16:04,977 --> 01:16:08,313
"And I don't mean like I'm on the ground
and I'm watching them do their job."
1528
01:16:08,438 --> 01:16:10,274
"No, it would be like a talk show set."
1529
01:16:10,274 --> 01:16:13,360
"And they'd come out there.
And there'd be a band and so forth."
1530
01:16:13,360 --> 01:16:15,571
[in normal voice]
Okay, let's pause right here.
1531
01:16:15,571 --> 01:16:17,281
So, just to recap.
1532
01:16:18,156 --> 01:16:21,994
I had two ideas... for a talk show once.
1533
01:16:23,120 --> 01:16:26,790
And the first of these is a talk show.
1534
01:16:26,790 --> 01:16:28,333
[laughter]
1535
01:16:31,169 --> 01:16:33,589
[excitedly] "The other idea
was to have a show
1536
01:16:33,589 --> 01:16:35,924
and just have on only elderly people."
1537
01:16:35,924 --> 01:16:37,009
[laughter]
1538
01:16:37,718 --> 01:16:41,722
"Which I obviously would not do now
due to the risks."
1539
01:16:41,722 --> 01:16:43,015
[laughter]
1540
01:16:44,933 --> 01:16:46,810
[cheering]
1541
01:16:48,061 --> 01:16:49,104
[whistling]
1542
01:16:50,063 --> 01:16:53,358
[chuckling] "But I just thought
it would be great to talk to old people,
1543
01:16:53,358 --> 01:16:55,360
especially if they were comfortable
1544
01:16:55,360 --> 01:16:58,614
talking about being
at the end of their lives."
1545
01:16:58,614 --> 01:17:00,157
[laughter]
1546
01:17:04,411 --> 01:17:05,829
Next question.
1547
01:17:06,997 --> 01:17:09,583
"GQ: Speaking of television,
1548
01:17:10,584 --> 01:17:11,585
[chuckles]
1549
01:17:11,585 --> 01:17:16,548
you had that sitcom that didn't pan out,
but that was such a long time ago."
1550
01:17:16,548 --> 01:17:20,469
"We're in an era where networks
and all these different streaming services
1551
01:17:20,469 --> 01:17:25,474
are giving creators seemingly more room
to make the shows that they want."
1552
01:17:25,474 --> 01:17:28,226
"Given that, would you try it again?"
1553
01:17:28,226 --> 01:17:32,397
"Mulaney: Are you talking about
a multi-cam, live audience sitcom,
1554
01:17:32,397 --> 01:17:34,024
The way I did it?"
1555
01:17:34,024 --> 01:17:36,193
"GQ: No."
1556
01:17:36,193 --> 01:17:38,320
- [laughter]
- [chuckles]
1557
01:17:39,696 --> 01:17:41,281
"Not necessarily."
1558
01:17:41,948 --> 01:17:45,827
"Mulaney: I would do the exact
same show I did before,
1559
01:17:45,827 --> 01:17:49,081
and the only thing I would change
is the audience."
1560
01:17:49,081 --> 01:17:50,540
[hysterical laughter]
1561
01:17:50,540 --> 01:17:53,418
[applauding and cheering]
1562
01:17:59,424 --> 01:18:00,884
And here's how it wraps up.
1563
01:18:02,427 --> 01:18:07,766
"GQ: I think what we've established
in this conversation
1564
01:18:08,433 --> 01:18:12,604
is that there are a ton of different ideas
rattling around in your head
1565
01:18:13,271 --> 01:18:15,357
that you should definitely make happen."
1566
01:18:16,149 --> 01:18:21,530
"Mulaney: If that's what people take away
from this, I'd be thrilled."
1567
01:18:21,530 --> 01:18:23,865
[laughter]
1568
01:18:24,616 --> 01:18:27,077
"GQ: Okay."
1569
01:18:27,661 --> 01:18:28,912
[soft laughter]
1570
01:18:30,122 --> 01:18:31,540
"I'm going to let you go."
1571
01:18:32,666 --> 01:18:36,670
"I don't want to take too much
of your time away from the fruit loops."
1572
01:18:36,670 --> 01:18:38,130
[laughter]
1573
01:18:38,255 --> 01:18:41,091
[high-pitched]
"Mulaney: What are you talking about?"
1574
01:18:41,091 --> 01:18:42,634
[laughter and applause]
1575
01:18:43,969 --> 01:18:45,178
[laughs boisterously]
1576
01:18:45,178 --> 01:18:46,972
"They're long gone."
1577
01:18:47,723 --> 01:18:50,142
Good night, Boston.
Thank you very, very much.
1578
01:18:50,142 --> 01:18:51,351
[cheering and applauding]
1579
01:18:52,310 --> 01:18:54,187
[slow-tempo bass music playing]
1580
01:19:00,277 --> 01:19:02,028
[cheers and applause continue]
1581
01:19:19,379 --> 01:19:21,047
[music continues]