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A girl goes to the gynecologist, says,
"Doc, I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out.
I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
He examines her, he says,
"Lady, those aren't postage stamps.
Those are the stickers from bananas."
(upbeat music)
I always say,
Jackie made the biggest blunder in show business history.
He decided to enter it.
There's very few people like him.
♪ I'm smoking pot. ♪
♪ I got my dick out. ♪
Good night everybody!
♪ And I'm thinking about you. ♪
Funny's the first word and a fun guy.
Welcome to Vegas.
Come on!
I've always liked making people laugh
and I don't know why.
The old couple is sitting in the living room
and the wife turns her husband
and she says, "Let's go upstairs and fuck."
And he says, "I don't know if I could do both."
Just his laugh would make you start laughing.
What do you call a Jewish vagina, a can't.
What he does in his show is not credited nearly enough
for what it really is.
To watch Jackie walk up to the microphone.
It's like watching Babe Ruth leave the on deck circle
to tell a joke.
And he gets up there and he,
before the first thing he says is,
two flies land on a piece of shit.
Two flies land on a piece of shit.
The first one lifts his leg and goes (blows raspberry),
second one says, "Come on man, I'm trying to eat."
People might criticize and say,
"Oh, he only tells jokes.
On stage, that's part of it.
But the guy works hard.
Thank you my whole life.
Here, happy birthday.
Bye you guys, thank you so much for coming out.
There's always action.
There's always action with Jackie.
You bring up Jackie to any of these like famous comedians.
They all have that, no bullshit,
that serious respect of Jackie and the jokes.
They all stop and they get a little serious
and they'll go, "Ah, he fucked it up with Howard Stern."
I think Jackie is greatly affected by the misperceptions
of his personality and intentions
that were perpetrated by Howard on the Stern show.
Guys says to his wife,
"Were you faking it last night?"
She says, "Nah, I was really asleep."
So for the people that don't know,
I'm with Jackie, the Joke Man,
the head writer of the Howard Stern Show for 15 years.
Right?
15 years.
I met him in 1983, but went full-time in 1986.
Right.
(upbeat jazz music)
My house that I grew up in,
my mother and father are downstairs
and they've built a partition
and my aunt and uncle are upstairs.
So it's my mother and my father, my father's brother,
and my mother's sister.
For the first two years of my life, I had four parents.
They must have watched every poop, every pee, every step.
Everything I did,
I was the center of attention for four adults.
After two years, my mother had another kid,
my aunt had a kid, my father started drinking more.
So for the last 69 years I've been going,
"Where the fuck did everybody go?"
And that's what caused me.
Now, I don't know if that holds any water,
but it's as good an explanation as any, you know.
Jackie will tell you he had a tough childhood,
but he's always enjoyed the limelight.
He's just naturally really funny.
I think we inherited funny from this family,
because I think with this family,
while we were thrown a lot of really good times.
We were thrown a lot of really hard times too.
And I think you have to have funny
to get through those times.
They didn't have the easiest of childhoods
and there was always substance stuff in this family.
So I think people coped and adapted through humor.
My parents' marriage really deteriorated
through the sixties.
When my father was drinking,
we were all crazy and my brother was a fuck up.
It was a lot going on.
So it was tough, we had six family deaths in two years.
My brother's suicide, then my father died,
then my sister's husband died,
then my aunt died, then my cousin's husband died.
We almost had a shuttle going to the family grave, you know?
But you live through it, you know what I mean?
(twangy guitar music)
(indistinct vocals)
You know, I had a crazy family.
I went to school at Michigan State.
It's the Midwest, it's a different world.
And my roommate's from Detroit,
I mean this guy Nick used to,
his parents would come and visit and when they left,
he'd kiss his father goodbye on the lips.
Wow.
My mother used to sign her letters to me.
I love you when you're in Michigan.
And that used to drive him crazy like,
"Man, that's your mom."
I said, "Yeah, it's my fucking mother
and that's our relationship and she means it."
The minute I walk in the door, it's a world war.
My favorite of all Jackie and his mom's stories
is when Jackie was driving up to college
with his buddies going to Michigan
and his mom decided that she wanted to come along
and they had a pail so they could all pee in it
so they didn't have to stop.
So the windows were open,
his mom's sitting in the backseat
and Jackie pees in a pail
and then goes to throw the pail, the pee,
out the window and the wind grabs it
and just puts all the pee back into
the freaking backseat window right into his mother's face.
Jackie's pee all over his mother's face.
My sixth grade report card,
Mr. Devine wrote, "Jackie's an excellent student,
but sometimes he has fun at the expense of others."
Oh my God, that that just said,
I've never told you that for, oh, he is just amazing.
Jackie is all about the ball bust.
I think it's in his DNA.
And no matter how hard he breaks your balls,
fortunately it's funny.
My friends from Syosset were over at Oyster Bay
and we had all just got our licenses
and we're all drinking and crazy and having fun.
And my buddy Iacovelli was driving the car.
Anything about poop would make him nuts.
And we're driving and the guys from Syosset
were right behind us
and we're high school kids,
what are we gonna, let's, how are we gonna freak them out?
How are we gonna freak them out?
So I was always mooning people,
so I'm gonna moon them and pull my pants down
and I got my ass all the way out,
like hanging on all the way out and I'm outta my mind
and I shit.
I shit, and I'm like, (grunts)
And Iacovelli is like, "What are you doing?"
I said, "I'm shitting."
And he's like,
(high pitched gagging)
And he's trying to drive and I'm laughing my ass off.
He said, "You are not."
And I wiped some on my finger
and wiped it on the windshield.
I said, "Look over here Mike."
He almost drove into a tree, oh my God.
This one time a guy called up and said,
"Howard, Jackie is so disgusting."
And he's like, "What are you talking about?"
And he says,
"Years ago we were driving in a van
and Jackie mooned everybody outside the van
on a highway while the van was moving.
And he took a dump out the van."
Anybody else you might think, "Oh my God, that's wrong."
He might lie and say it never happened.
Real casual, Jackie went, "Yeah, that's a harvest moon."
I had to pull my car over.
He's trying to embarrass me and I got a name for it.
Like, not only was he not embarrassed, he was proud of it.
He was kind of famous in Oyster Bay,
right from the beginning.
If you look at his high school yearbook,
he's cutest, cutest couple, funniest, most dramatic.
He's got like seven of those.
He was very, very popular in high school.
We started a band.
Jackie had this leader characteristic
and I knew he was very energetic
and very popular with the girls.
We were absolutely terrible,
but 15 or 16 years old, we thought we were rock stars.
It was really great.
Jackie was a gymnast when he was young.
Floor exercises.
They didn't have all the fancy mats
and I was like, "They didn't?
Oh my God."
So he was quite the athlete.
When you see that footage,
you can't really believe it's him.
He was really a phenomenal gymnast.
I still have a gymnastic body.
You know, when I graduated from college,
I would be in a bar and I'd say,
"Gimme a dollar and I'll do a flip,"
and somebody would gimme a dollar
and I'd do a back flip standing there
and then get a beer.
I did that.
I did that a lot.
It was fun.
It was stupid.
People come up and say,
"Here's a dollar, do a flip like a monkey, do it.
Here we are in a bar.
One end of the bar is a drunk,
the other end of the bar is a woman
in a very tight, low cut black dress
waving feverishly for the bartender.
And she has an incredibly hairy armpit.
The drunk says,
"Gimme a drink and give a drink to the ballerina
at the other end."
The bartender says,
"How do you know she's a ballerina?"
He says, "Who else could get her leg up that high?"
It's 1955 and I'm in third grade.
I had a very small gang.
And we're sitting there and my cousin walked in the door
and he took a piece of paper out of his pocket
and he read a parody to "The Night before Christmas."
And it was filthy.
And he's reading it and the guys were mesmerized,
they were enchanted, they were laughing,
they were instantly.
And I, something in my third grade mind looking around,
must have clicked and said,
"This is cool" or "This is, wow, look at."
And I just have remembered every joke, dirty or clean,
since then.
I could never stop telling jokes
I used to drive people crazy.
My band in high school, I used to tell jokes between songs,
which not only made the crowd nuts,
it made the guys in the band nuts.
Like, shut the fuck up.
I'm in college and we're playing,
but I got an audience, we're playing rock,
we're playing Rolling Stones.
And then I'm telling a dick joke.
It's like, what are you doing?
And then I escaped from Michigan State
and went out to Colorado
and worked construction for a while.
And I realized I can't do this.
So after we graduated from college,
we didn't know what to do with our lives.
Jackie was working construction out in Denver.
I was, you know, doing nothing.
Basically.
I took a trip to Denver where Jackie was
and he says, "Why don't we get the band back together?"
We can earn lots of money and play rock and roll
and get laid and it's gonna be great.
And that was when we formed the Off Hour Rockers.
♪ Another glass of fool's gold. ♪
There was a lot of comedy
in the Off Hour Rockers act.
Bates would pour his heart out singing to the girls
and then Jackie would charge things up
and tell a bunch of jokes.
And all in all, it was really fun.
When they ended the band,
he had the bright idea to go out and try to do comedy
on his own.
Because essentially that's what he'd been doing at the gigs.
I was a very bad musician.
And when I realized I was never gonna make a nickel,
I quit music and to steal a line from Rodney Dangerfield,
when I quit music, I was the only one who knew I quit.
So this is "The Sea Shanty" I wrote.
It's called
"The Shrimps are Coming in on the Shrimp Boats,
but the Crabs are Coming in on the Captain's Dinghy."
When we had a band in the seventies,
We used to tell jokes and play original songs.
And I mean jokes, and jokes and jokes.
We played to the same crowd every week.
I used to go to the bar
and on break and somebody would come up and say,
"All right, I got one for you."
And I used to, I'd literally say,
"All right, I'll count down from 10 and when I get to zero,
if I don't know the joke, I'll buy you a drink."
That's 1975.
And I never bought anybody a drink
because I have a mathematical mind.
So if a guy says a priest and a nun,
they're going down a river in a canoe.
Two seconds into it,
"Oh, this is the cowboy and the Indian
going across the desert."
You know what I mean?
I could just see the matchups and the parallels
and as silly as that sounds,
I mean I knew all the jokes then.
What's a Jewish dilemma?
Pork on sale.
What did one condom say to the other
as they passed the gay bar?
Let's go in and get shit-faced.
What's the difference between a refrigerator
and a homosexual?
Refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
How do you think of-
You can applaud at any fucking time!
Jackie will say that he's remembered every joke
he's ever heard since he was eight years old
and I believe him.
I mean, when we were doing the joke hunt,
I would randomly just give him a topic
and he would rattle off jokes.
And not just any jokes.
They were funny jokes.
I mean, he's a savant.
What's your name here?
Diane.
What do you do, Diane?
Secretary?
Confucius say, secretary not permanent
until screwed on desk.
We made the venues, we would go to bars and say,
"Hey, when this band is done playing their rock and roll,
can we go up on that stage?"
And they would go, "What?"
I said, "We're comedians."
"If you want to, dude."
If you were a comedian,
you were basically interrupting somebody's dinner.
People are sitting there eating and all of a sudden,
"Oh no."
"Hey, how's everybody doing?"
You know, it's, "Oh, shut up."
You know?
I mean, that's what it was.
Someone shoves you out there and there's a spotlight.
The forks hit the plate and everybody's gonna stop
and see what this asshole has to say for himself.
They would throw bottles at us, they would yell.
And we started doing that.
And then we started going to clubs where he had folk guitar
players and say, what is your worst night?
They said, "Well, it's Sunday."
"Give us that night."
"You won't make any money here."
And Jackie said, "Hey, we'll just take the door."
So the guy said, "Okay, but we get like 12 people."
And within three weeks there's 180 people at the door.
My next couple of jokes are brought to you by
the new kosher Ex-Lax, let my people go.
I was going to Dangerfield's trying to get on
and I couldn't get on.
Meanwhile, I'm drinking at the bar.
As long as I was drinking at the bar, they kept telling me,
you're going on later.
I might have seen that a glimpse of Dangerfield
once or twice go by.
When I first started doing comedy,
I lived in my grandmother's house after she passed away.
And my friend Richie Minervini, who to this day,
is a dear friend, would come and stay with us sometimes.
And one day he walked in and said,
"Hey, what a night I had last night.
I was at Dangerfield's.
And I went on and I did so great.
And Rodney came up and put his arm around me
and said, 'Kid, I love you and I'm gonna use you on TV,'"
blah, blah.
And this is long before Rodney had any kind of TV going.
It's like 1978.
And I'm like, wow.
And I was so jealous.
So I just sat down and every joke I could think of
that I told or knew or ever heard,
I typed into a Rodney Dangerfield delivery.
Next time Richie walked in, I said,
"You gotta give this to your friend Rodney."
And he said, this is true story, swear to you.
He says, "Oh man."
I actually never met the guy.
He goes, "What?"
I'm like, "You motherfucker!"
And he goes, "Yeah, but I was there."
And I swear to God,
he pulled a matchbook out of his pocket
with Rodney and said, Dangerfield's,
like 1001 First Ave., whatever it is.
And I already had envelopes,
so I just hand wrote the address and mailed it.
9,999 other people who are funny,
or even people who write jokes who wish
that maybe Rodney Dangerfield might be interested
in their jokes.
But Jackie Martling is the person who actually thinks
it's a possibility,
or at least he's gonna write that letter
and he's gonna walk down to the post office and mail it.
He's tenacious.
He doesn't stop.
He's a bulldog.
Yeah, he's gonna get that bone one way or another.
You know he's gonna go get that bone.
Two days later I'm sitting at lunch,
my grandmother's dead.
Everybody she knows is dead.
Nobody's got this phone number and the phone rings.
I'm like, my girlfriend and I having lunch,
say "Hello, who's this?"
"It's Rodney."
I said, "Rodney, who?"
"Oh, I knew you were fucking funny.
I knew you were funny."
And Lois goes, "Who is it?"
"It's Rodney Dangerfield."
"Who is it?
Richie?"
"It's fucking Rodney."
"Hey, you know, there's some funny shit here.
There's some really fucking funny stuff.
I love this stuff.
Come to Westbury, you know, we'll hang out
and I'll buy a couple of these jokes."
It was like I died and went to heaven.
And we went to Westbury and went in the dressing room
and I got blue jeans with holes in them
and a ponytail down my back.
And my girlfriend's 10 years younger and she's beautiful.
And we walk,
"Oh, what the fuck?
What the fuck with hair with the blue jeans.
She's brilliant.
You want a piece of fruit?
No, she's really beautiful.
Hey, some funny Two Bagger, fucking funniest jokes
I've heard.
She's really pretty, you know?
Hey, you want some fruit?"
Yeah, yeah.
This is the first stuff I sent to Rodney.
Here it is.
This is my claim to fame with Rodney.
This is what sealed me with him.
The Tennessee Two Bagger joke.
[Rodney Dangerfield] No, I'll tell you,
this girl was old, fat and ugly.
Yeah, ugly joke.
How ugly?
I'll tell you.
She was so ugly, she was known as a Two Bagger.
That's a girl who's so ugly
you go out with her, you put a bag over your head
in case the bag over her head breaks.
So he sent me a check for 200 bucks for four jokes.
And I badgered him for two years.
Take me away with you,
take me away with you,
take me away with you.
When the phone rings and it's Rodney,
"Hey, how you doing?
You wanna go to Vegas?
Come on, we'll go to Vegas on me.
You know, you're a pain my fucking ass."
And we flew to Las Vegas,
was Easter of 1980 and it was a gasoline strike.
The place was a morgue.
So we're stoned and drunk and out of our minds.
He says, "Let's get the fuck outta here."
So we're walking back to the Aladdin drunk,
stoned, coked up, all fucked up.
And like the sun's coming up and I'm in euphoric
heaven, I, you know, pinch me,
pinch me for two weeks now pinch me.
Walk along and he goes, "You gotta take a leak?"
I, "Well you know how much beer I drink.
I can always pee."
He says, "Come on."
And instead of going into the Aladdin
and into the hotel and go in the bathroom,
we walk behind the hotel where the dumpsters are
and the dumpsters are the size of a McDonald's.
And he walks up to a dumpster and starts peeing.
So I go up to this dumpster and I start peeing.
And while we're standing there pissing on the dumpsters,
he turned to me and said, "Welcome to the big time."
I said,
"Do you have any idea how many times
I'm gonna tell that story?"
He said, "Have a party.
What do I care?
Have a party."
I think he works hard to be in the right place
at the right time.
The guy does what it takes.
Every day he did "Use Your Finger" joke line.
He didn't have to do that.
But he was smart.
And he was smart about the publicity
and he was willing to do the work.
Guy say "Doc, doc, I ate apples, apples come out.
I eat bananas, bananas come out.
Doc says, "Easy, eat shit."
When I first started working with Jackie,
our office was in the attic of his mom's house.
That's where the dial a joke machines were.
When I started working with him there were four.
We ended up with 12 machines.
My favorite thing about 516-922-WINE
is that it's still still going.
If you dial it right now.
Hello, this is Jackie.
You know how much I love it when you use your finger
and dial 516-922-WINE.
Couple is in the living room.
He says, "You're dry tonight."
She says, "You're licking the rug."
When we started comedy on Long Island,
we needed a way to advertise and we had no money.
I got the bright idea.
Let me get a telephone line, put jokes on it,
and I'll tell a joke and then say that we're gonna be
at the Cinnamon in Huntington and tell another joke.
Immediately, it was always busy.
10 lines, 10 Phonemate machines
with one minute dubs in each.
And the last machine had a counter on it.
It was actually Nancy's machine.
And the counter went to 99 and that machine
only went off if all nine were engaged.
And the tenth one went to 99, three or four times a day.
It was like five or 10,000 calls a day
from all over the world.
At some point, Rick Dees, who was a famous disc jockey
from Los Angeles, without me knowing it,
he was calling my joke line on his weekly top 40 show,
which was a, they put it on a disc
and they sent it out to all the different stations.
And one day my sister said,
"Hey, we heard 922-WINE on the radio."
And I'm like, "How cool is that?"
But as time went on,
I was making dial joke dirtier and dirtier.
And one day Rick Dees called me up,
"They've gotten too dirty.
I can't, there's none I can use."
He said it's so funny
because I give him 516-922-9463.
And I tell them, it's Tom Selleck's home phone number.
And so that's, so the line was going nuts.
And he said, "Would you do jokes for me that I could use?"
And I said, "All right."
And he said,
"Well, I'll just say you're a dentist from Encino
that's a nut and likes to record dirty jokes."
And I said, "How does that help me?"
And he says, "Gimme, let me think."
And he calls back the next day.
He says, "How about how this?
You're Jackie 'the Joke Man' Martling,
the crazy guy from New York that knows all the jokes.
I said, "Sold."
I never hear a new joke.
Never hear a new joke.
I heard a new joke.
A Dirty Johnny joke.
This is for you, first time ever to an audience.
If it sucks, it's your fault.
Teacher says the third grade class,
"Okay, what do you wanna do when you grow up?"
and Dirty Johnny says,
"When I grow up, I wanna get really rich
and have a lot of stuff.
I wanna have a big boat and a big house
and I want my own plane and I want a whore on the plane.
I wanna go around the world having a lot of fun."
She's like, "Whoa, Johnny.
Okay Johnny.
Thank you.
Mary, what do you wanna do when you grow up?"
She says, "I wanna be Johnny's whore."
I think Jackie's very down to earth
and he is very personable.
I think he's smarter than most people realize that,
he's very smart.
He's a very well-read, intelligent guy.
Unfortunately, he was always treated like
kind of the drunken buffoon.
You know, I don't think I ever had
an intelligent conversation with Jackie.
Jackie is like the Forest Gump of the comedy world
in that he always seems to find himself
at the right place at the right time
with the most interesting people.
How eclectic is Jackie Martling?
He would hang out with Les Paul,
the most famous guitarist in the world.
He loved Jackie.
Willie Nelson.
Well first of all, he's got a great sis of humor.
And you gotta be able to enjoy your own jokes if you're
gonna tell 'em.
You know, we both enjoy our jokes.
That's why we tell 'em.
One of the great secrets of the internet
is that Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling dominated comedy
and was the leading comedian on AudioNet,
the first and biggest early days
streaming media destination.
This is when I was a star.
And I used to be on the cover of magazines.
And this is when I was made the Lieutenant Governor's
deputy assistant in the state of Louisiana.
Until the woman heard me tell dirty jokes.
I think it's hard to take his act apart
from his life in a lot of ways.
You know, unless he's whining.
Maybe I'm just a happy old man.
I don't know.
I mean, I'm still miserable half the time.
But I always was when I was rich, when I was poor,
when I was famous, when I was nobody, when I was in college.
Miserable half the time and happy half the time.
So you just try to learn to live with it.
It's very easy to live with,
except for the times when you're miserable.
Guy says to her, "Girl, gimme a blowjob."
She says, "Be more romantic."
He says, "Gimme a blowjob in the rain."
The first thing I tell people is it's gotta be concise.
And I used to go wild at Playboy
because those goddamn Playboy's party jokes
would be "The voluptuous young blonde sauntered
into the restaurant and found her place at the bar
whereupon she eyed the guy next to him.
And I'm like, no.
A girl walks in a bar and says to a guy,
because that's all you need.
You don't need the dressing.
You know, a pretty girl, that tells the story.
A fat girl.
His research on jokes, that is his art.
Jackie, almost alone the past four decades has said,
these aren't my jokes, these are our jokes.
And the idea of going on stage and saying,
"These are our jokes,"
is the equivalent of singing "Oh, Susanna",
it's the equivalent of singing campfire songs.
As someone who loved Lenny Bruce
and who loves all that first person individuality,
I think Jackie is more sophisticated in a certain way.
Lady walks in her daughter's bedroom,
daughter's using a vibrator.
She says, "Honey, what are you doing?"
She said, "Mom, I'm 40 years old,
I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'll never get married.
That's my husband."
Minutes later, her father walks in,
she's using a vibrator.
"Honey, what are you doing?"
She says, "Daddy, I'm 40 years old.
Don't even have a boyfriend, I'll never get married.
That's my husband."
Next day the wife and her daughter go out shopping,
they come back a few hours later, they walk in the kitchen,
the old man's standing there,
he's got a martini in one hand
and he's got the vibrator buzzing away in his ass.
His wife says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I'm having a drink with my new son-in-law."
Jackie Martling.
And this is on a show with Bob Nelson and Dave Hawthorne,
worked with Billy Crystal and Eddie Murphy
and Jerry Seinfeld and Paul Riser
and Jackie Martling had to go on last
because he was the funniest.
When Jackie does jokes,
he takes a joke that's might have been older
and Jackie gets rid of all the fat,
like a surgeon.
(snipping noises)
Set up, paints a picture, pow, set up, paint, pow.
And that's not the way the jokes were written
and originally discovered.
The real funny guys who I know, like the Norm Macdonald's,
the Dave Attell's, they respect Jackie like crazy
because they respect great joke telling.
That's an art.
Pilot comes on the intercom says,
"Thank you for flying West Eastern.
Touchdown in Los Angeles in approximately
five and a half hours and we appreciate your business."
He forgets to turn off the intercom, turns to the co-pilot,
he says, "You know what?
Think I'm gonna take a shit and then get a blowjob
from that hot new blonde stewardess."
She's in the back of the plane,
realizes the intercom's still on.
So she goes running up the aisle to tell him.
A little old lady says,
"Take your time honey,
he said he was gonna take a shit first."
I would always close the shows at Cinnamon
Richie was MC,
he'd bring on the other acts like the local guys
or if we had guys.
I went home and I said to my girlfriend, I said,
"Lois, they laugh at every joke.
I should make an album."
She said, "So make an album."
Jackie was one of the earliest comics to have albums.
And I think part of that was because he knew
the craft of recording.
He studied it and he had friends that had a lot of gear.
But also, and maybe the bigger part
is that he just wants to share those jokes.
I took my class picture with me giving the finger
and wrote under it, "What did you expect?"
There was a guy from El Duke
who found seven huge warts on his root.
He put acid on these
and now when he pees
he gotta finger that thing like a flute.
One through line is he's a hard worker
and when he wants to learn something, he digs in.
I'd been a comedian for like eight months
and I had an album out, which was absurd.
It lent credence to you.
I don't care who you are, you got an album,
this is your comedy album.
You know, either it's good or it's bad, but it's an album.
And then I decided to make another one
and I decide to call it "Goin' Ape!"
I went to Lilian Costume Shop and I said, listen,
I have no money, but if you let me borrow your gorilla suit,
I'll give you a credit on the on back of my record.
And they thought I was crazy and they said sure.
And so I took the gorilla costume and put in a couple of
paper bags and went to the Bronx Zoo
and it's September and has classfuls
of second and third grade kids.
And I'm jumping out from behind a tree dressed
as a gorilla.
I just can't even imagine.
Somewhere there's a kid trying to tell people
that when he was in second grade,
he was at the Bronx Zoo and a gorilla jumped out
from behind a tree.
Guy goes to the zoo to feed the monkeys,
he throws the monkey a peanut,
the monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his rear end,
pulls it out and eats it.
The guy says 'uggggh!"
No, there's more.
He throws the monkey another peanut.
The monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his rear end,
pulls it out and eats it.
The guy's like, "Bleahh!"
He goes to the zookeeper.
He says, "Man, that is one very stupid monkey."
Zookeeper says, "Nah, that's a very smart monkey.
Last week somebody threw him a big peach
and he ate it and he couldn't pass the pit.
So now he measures them."
And each time I made a record, I gave them out, sold them,
sent them to people.
I've always been a networking fool.
There's something about a joke teller
that needs to share those jokes.
If he meets you in the supermarket, he gets your address.
And within five days from the post office, old school,
you get a ton of stuff.
Stickers and joke noses and albums and CDs
and whatever he has.
And it's from his heart.
He's building his fans, but he also wants you to have it.
He wants to share with you the joy that he has.
You gotta love a guy for that.
Jackie just loved giving his shit out.
And I know it cost him money
and he gave it for free to everybody.
Everybody would take the stuff
because it was Jackie's, it was kind of cool.
Like Jackie was like a cult hero.
What's the difference between a beer and a booger?
You put your beer on top of the table.
Nobody mails more things than Jackie.
He is a fixture in the Bayville Post Office.
Bayville Post Office, what would they do without him?
He still walks in front of my house on his way
to the post office just about every day.
And I wonder if it's a coincidence that the post office
is at the end of the block.
Who spends more money than me?
Most people, he sends everything media
trying to save a buck.
Little Jewish girl runs up to her father, says,
"Daddy, daddy, I need $50."
He says $40?
What do you need $30 for?
My act is Polish jokes, black jokes, midget jokes.
Only a little, only a little.
But I do a little of it because I'm like, fuck the world.
You know, it's all attitude.
If you can't laugh at your own personal situation,
no matter what it is, your sexual preference, your religion,
your race.
People tell jokes about my nose now all the time.
What am I gonna do then?
Deny it?
If you don't laugh at it, you will go nuts.
Comedy is all about making fun of the things that are
obvious to everyone, but nobody wants to talk about.
And in today's age of political correctness,
you can lose an entire career with just one joke.
I think Jackie's been immune from that because he's so far
to the other side of offensive that you know,
it's good natured and no one takes it personally.
You just laugh.
Lady goes to drugstore, goes up to the counter,
says, "I need to buy some cyanide to kill my husband."
He says, "Lady, I can't say cyanide to kill your husband.
You'll go to jail, I'll go to jail.
You're crazy."
She reaches in her purse, takes out a picture,
hands it to pharmacist,
picture of her husband fucking the pharmacist's wife.
He says, "You didn't tell me he had a prescription."
Jackie is a quirky guy, but quirky in a funny sense.
I remember on Howard you used to wear these
like finger condoms.
They were called finger cots,
but they were literally tiny condoms for your finger
because he was allergic to the ink in the newspapers.
Turns out it was cause I was so full of alcohol
and the tips of my fingers were dry.
But who knew?
Jackie's an interesting character in that he has no shame.
He's not embarrassed by the things that people are
embarrassed by in polite society.
He never wants to miss any part of a conversation.
So if he's in the middle of talking to you
and he's really gotta go take a crap,
he leaves the door open.
Every night I swim naked, come take a nice hot shower,
not get a boner.
Jackie loves to swim and he will do it
at the weirdest times,
like in the middle of November
when it's 50 degrees in the water.
He'll go out in the middle of the night
and swim a half mile.
One night he said, "Why don't you come out with me?"
And we walked to the water and he takes his robe off
and he is naked and he just jumps in the water.
Jackie has a girlfriend now, Barbara,
who's friendly with his ex-wife Nancy, they hang out.
That's not normal.
Jackie was a hippie in many ways,
so he would do things that a college kid might do,
but someone with money wouldn't.
So he would have lobsters in a garbage can.
He had nail fungus and some doctor told him that if they
pulled his nails out they would grow back and they didn't.
So he's got no toenails.
Oh well.
Girls love Jackie Martling
and I don't understand why because he eats like a monster.
Have you ever seen him eat?
(slurping noises)
There's a lot of slurping.
There's a lot of slurping,
there's a lot of fingers.
You know me, I could just put a piece of a chicken wing
in my mouth or a leg and just go like this.
And that bone is just like in a cartoon.
The wife says, "Get out, get out, get the fuck out."
As her husband's walking out the door, she says,
"I hope you die a slow, painful death."
He says, "So now you want me to stay?"
By the time it was 1982,
I had three comedy albums and me and Nancy
would send the albums with the cassettes that match them
and promo to everybody.
His percentage is not super high,
but he sends out so many that of course
he's gotten responses.
The LPs going to Howard Stern at NBC
is a perfect example of that.
I was working at Garvin's Laugh Inn in Washington DC
and this guy says,
"Hey, this crazy guy just got fired
from the radio down here.
And he used to do live broadcasts in his underwear
from the club on Friday mornings
and you should look him up because he's crazy."
And he told me his name.
And I got home and just looked up the address,
just Howard Stern, care of WNBC,
and just mailed it like we mailed everything.
No idea that anybody's ever gonna see it or who the guy is.
I don't know anything.
And Nancy had called me up and said,
"Hey, that disc jockey wants you to call him."
So I called WNBC, got right on the phone.
He said, "Hey, we listened to your records.
You know every joke, you're a pistol.
We're doing a a talent contest over the telephone today.
Do you wanna come in and help judge it?"
So I got in the car and drove to 30 Rock
and went in there and sat down with Howard,
Robin and Fred and laughed my ass off for four hours.
Was it magical?
I don't know, it was certainly fun.
And I certainly added to the fun and at the end of the day
he said, "Wait, you are a lot of fun.
Why don't you come back next week?"
And that was that, boom.
It's exciting going in to work with Howard every week.
It's really wild.
You never know what's gonna happen.
I walked outta the building one day,
walked outta the RCA building when he is still at NBC.
It was a very horrible day in New York City.
One of those drizzly, rainy, everything's filthy days.
And it was a very distinguished English gentleman
standing on the side of the road.
He's pretty annoyed.
And I was in a good mood.
I've been laughing for four hours.
This guy's standing there looking pretty prim and proper,
you know, it was really disgusting out.
And a taxi came flying by, hit a puddle and soaked this guy.
Well I almost peed myself, okay?
So he's a mess.
He's all angry and he turns and he's like yelling
at the cabby.
Another cab goes by, hits the same puddle
and douses the other side.
Well, I'm dying.
This guy turns to me and he says,
"You know, I think New York City's
the asshole of the world."
I said, "Yeah, you passing through?"
For the first while he would go in
just for the promotion of shows
that he had coming up and he would just do Tuesdays.
Well I did one day a week for three years
unless I was outta town.
And if I was outta town, sometimes I would call in.
One time I called in from the police station
because I had spent the night in jail.
You know, it was Howard's show.
So Howard was the one on the air and Jackie would think of
something funny to say,
but it wasn't Jackie's show to be speaking.
So he would kind of just write something down
and he would show it to Howard.
And at first Howard's like, "Get that away.
What are you, what are you doing?"
And he was like, "Well what have you got?"
Well, then all of a sudden he kind of wanted to see it.
And that's how this joke writing on the fly started.
Like Jackie just was thinking of funny things,
but it was not his forum.
And then he got hired and all of a sudden,
he was working for money
and then he was full-time and then they went to mornings.
Jackie invented that job.
So as a kid, I didn't know that job existed.
It became a job because of Jackie.
This is every note I ever wrote for Howard.
April 25th, 1997, you listened to this show.
I just brought 'em home every day, 1998, '99,
they go back all the way to '86.
The idea of somebody in real time
synthesizing information. Fascinating.
And Howard was always a little bit reticent
for that to be known.
And you know what I remember, I swear to God,
correct me if I'm wrong, he did a Channel Five show.
Look it, I'm digging in my brain now.
Wow, Nobody knows-
Leslie West.
Leslie West was on the show.
Leslie West was the band leader.
Steve Rossi was the announcer.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, you're right.
And then you, you literally stayed under the desk,
Under the desk!
handing Howard all the jokes.
I didn't even put that in the book
because that is not believable.
Yeah, yeah.
For years we all thought Howard
was one of the quickest comics ever.
And then you find out that's Jackie Martling
sitting there with a pen and paper
like the 1800s and feeding Howard those lines,
the brilliant fast comedic mind.
Constantly joke, boom, joke, boom, joke, boom
and then laughing at every joke.
That laugh brings me me back to so many wonderful times
in my life.
Here's some Jackie laughs for you.
(various over the top laughs)
And to be able to come up with something funny,
write it down, give it to someone and then say it.
And it's still funny because comedy has a half-life man.
If you don't get it out that quickly,
it's funniness goes down.
So he had to be thinking ahead of what was being said
in order to keep that joke topical and funny
as it was going through the process of getting to Howard,
which is an amazing thing.
You know, I was at a K-Rock party at Elaine's
and I had never met Howard's sister before.
And she came up to me and she says,
"Jackie, I'm Howard's sister Ellen.
I could never listen when you guys are on the afternoon
because I was at work,
but now you are on in the mornings and I can listen.
And I said to my brother,
'Howie, when did you get so witty?'
And he said, 'It's not me. That's Jackie.'
And you're Jackie and it's so nice to meet you."
And I said, "Well, it's very nice to meet you too."
If Jackie wrote something and stuck it in front of Howard,
Howard could come back to that five minutes later
and just work it in and build up to a place
where it fit perfectly.
But it wasn't just jokes talking about observational comedy,
like Jackie's observations of what was going on around them
and taking a little germ like the day that,
I don't know why they were talking about
the Quickdraw McGraw show and Gary
happens to call Baba Louie Baba Booey.
And if you listen to this tape it, they pass it.
Jackie's like he just said Baba Louie.
And it, he just said, Baba Booey and it's Baba Louie.
And they circled back and came back to it
and to this, I mean,
I think Sarah Silverman said Baba Booey
on some award show last year.
I mean, it still lives to this day.
Baba Booey!
We just kind of Baba Booey-ed it.
Scene tonight-
Baba Booey!
That was a huge contribution to the show, not just jokes.
I would love when Jackie would be on the air
and Gary would walk in the room
and he would just lambast him.
And Gary is, I respect that man more than anybody
on the planet for all the things that he's been through.
He really did have bad breath.
That was almost an intervention. Breakin his balls
about his teeth was just so unfair.
I broke his balls 24/7.
It wasn't necessary we're on the air.
Like I would fuck with him in email
and fuck with him when we weren't on the air
just for the sport of it.
Which really made him crazy.
Like, why are you doing that?
Nobody's here now.
Nobody gets the benefit of that. But we do, you know.
With Jackie, the ball busting never stops
and you don't even need to be present
for the ball busting to happen.
Jackie and I went to a friend's wedding in Rome
and we were by the Pantheon,
and this is like maybe 10 years after he left
the Stern show.
Suddenly I hear this crazy cackling Jackie laugh
and I run over to see what it is.
He's standing in front of a fountain pointing at it going,
"It looks like Baba Booey!"
So from that point forward,
it was the Booey fountain and you can go and see it today.
God, I, there's a couple of Fred notes that I saved,
you know, one time we were going on vacation
and Howard's like,
"Yeah, I think Allison and I are gone to the islands,"
or something like that.
And Robin's like,
"Oh yes, I'm going to California to see some friends."
Gary's gonna do this and do that.
I wrote a note.
And Howard says,
and Fred will be staring at people in Manhattan.
It was just, it just, they were just screaming laughing.
And it would... he'd get incensed,
of course they don't want me back on that show.
Are you crazy?
Have to be crazy to have me back.
But how fun is that?
You know, that's a nice beard.
You look like it went down on it and came up with it.
Jackie's house was a great experience.
It was a lot of fun.
We would have these parties.
He was, he had a band set up.
Jackie would not, he would walk around like a t-shirt,
no shoes on.
We'd go down the beach.
He would convince everyone to swim out to his jetty.
This is where the jetty was.
Sandy beat the jetty up and pummeled it.
And then another storm a couple weeks later destroyed it.
This is the only surviving thing from my world famous jetty.
The whole world used this thing.
Jackie was legendary for having these great 4th of July
parties and they really were,
he invited everybody from the show.
Not only people who worked on the show,
but guests who were up on the show.
You'd have some random wack packer show up
and the party would go pretty much all night long.
Eventually it'd be like these crazy bonfires on the beach.
I don't know how someone that generous
would get such a bad rap for being the complete opposite
of what he was.
I mean, Howard definitely has a way of painting you
into a light that is not accurate.
I was, on the Stern show,
I was the homophobic Southerner
and I'm neither of those things.
Jackie and many people are painted in the wrong light there.
But it's funny.
And that's what the show's about.
That always threw my friends for a loop
when they'd hear people on the street
call me a cheapskate and stuff.
Because a lot of people I knew didn't even listen
to the show.
They didn't care about the Howard Stern Show,
where they get that, oh no,
Howard's got everybody believing that I'm cheap.
And they're like, that's crazy.
And I'm like, it works for him because it makes me nuts.
You know.
One morning somebody brought in a resemblance of Jackie
as a puppet.
It was plaster and it had little moving parts
inside of it and Jackie knew about it before the show did.
But he told the guy to come in.
I was a huge fan of the Stern Show
and one of my favorite parts was Billy West doing Jackie.
It just tickled me.
I couldn't get enough of it.
So my buddy grew up with Jackie, I could get pictures,
figure I'll make a puppet.
I thought it would be a flash in the pan.
It it endured and people loved it.
I came home one day and there in my driveway was my buddy
Billy Born's blue truck and I walked up and said,
"Hey Billy."
And I looked next to him,
next to him sitting shotgun was his friend Tom.
And between the two of them was this little Jackie
and he had a joint in his mouth
and a little tiny Budweiser can,
we figured, wait, there's a Gary puppet,
that should be a Jackie puppet but if I bring it in,
they'll just throw it in the garbage
because there'd be Jackie trying to promote Jackie.
What you gotta do is you gotta bring it in
like you're fucking with me.
And he said, okay.
And a couple days later, Gary came into the studio,
he says "hey boff... there's a
guy in the lobby's got a dummy with him.
and this dummy looks a lot like Jackie.
He's got really pretty girl with him."
Howard said, bring him in.
So the guy came in and here's his beautiful wife,
Amy and him, and he shows Howard the puppet.
And I'm like, get outta here with that thing.
And you know, and he's winking at me and I'm winking at him.
And one by one they're passing it around
and they're really fucking with me.
I think the Jackie Puppet was the catalyst for
the breathy laugh type of thing, right?
Because that was the sounds the Jackie puppet made.
But Billy West was doing the voice of the Jackie puppet.
But Jackie was writing the jokes.
It was like the Twilight Zone
because he was passing notes to me for the puppet
to insult him.
It's like,
and I'm having this little tiny figure of the guy sitting
right in front of me.
That's Twilight Zone man.
That's Rod Serling, "Picture, if you will."
They took it and ran with it.
The puppet turned out to be so venomous
with Jackie's help.
Conan O'Brien's ratings were going down
and he was desperate.
So he came into the Stern Show,
I don't think he would've, unless he was like, godfather.
And he came on and the minute he came in the room,
the Jackie puppet called him Conan O' Byebye.
Conan O'Byebye.
After Conan went on and got tortured by the Jackie puppet.
That's where Triumph the Insult dog came from.
You know?
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't come?
We had to go get him.
It was a crazy circle of funny, oh my God,
I think those are some of the funniest Stern shows
in existence.
Two midgets chip in for a lottery ticket.
They win the lottery.
The midgets win the lottery!
So, to celebrate.
They get two prostitutes and they get two motel rooms
next to each other.
First midget goes in room with a hooker.
He's a midget.
He ain't know what to say to a whore.
Staring at her.
Next room, he hears (grunts) all night long.
Next morning, the two midgets coming outta the motel rooms.
First midget says to the second midget,
"I didn't know what to say to her."
The second midget says,
"I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."
They were a machine.
They really were a machine.
Howard relied on him a lot. When their relationship
was at its best
and you have two very brilliant minds
working on one topic, gold.
There was an energy in there and you can't replicate it.
I mean, there's so many people that try to recreate
the DNA of the Stern Show,
especially with morning radio, and it got watered down.
I mean, all of a sudden these myopic program directors
were giving permission to their morning people
to do the Stern show.
That's basically what happened.
And Stern, he was the originator of what he did.
A perfectionist about it and a natural.
But these other people were trying to be him.
When that cast of the Howard Stern Show was in its prime,
you couldn't stop them.
They were the best thing in entertainment.
I was the guy that was gonna get the stories
and bring them up on the air.
John, I think would hang out with Jackie
on the weekend just to get airtime the next day.
I think a lot of the reason some Stern fans
get mad at me for leaving is because that
they didn't have that inside guy that
would have no fear in busting Jackie, Fred, Gary,
even Howard's balls.
Like that, to me, was the best part of the show,
was the inner soap opera.
All the squabbling.
I could give a shit about the strippers.
I couldn't care about the celebrity interviews for the most part.
To me, the best part of the show was all of us
busting each other's balls.
I got to be part of something
that you could never duplicate
and it was at such a great age.
I was so young.
It was so much fun.
It was ridiculous.
This is why I didn't really give a shit if I got paid.
I knew I was lucky, I was supposed to be there.
Listen, I had every right to say something,
but I didn't wanna make waves.
I just wanted to be under the radar,
like I didn't even want to go on the air.
Cause every time I got on the air it was like
I was in a war zone.
Howard's eyes are darting back and forth in his head.
Robin's talking in your earphones.
Jackie's winging paper balls at you.
Fred's imitating me with sound effects.
I was a deer in the headlights dude.
But it was fun.
They were the Beatles of the radio.
In fact, when "Private Parts" came out,
they did the premiere at Madison Square Garden
and Howard came down the street in the Pope Mobile.
It was amazing.
I went with Jackie and that is the closest I will ever come
in my life to being with the Beatles.
The 18 years that he was on the Stern Show
were really fun.
We had a great time. Being a wife of a Stern show person.
I bonded with the other wives.
There were regular times during the year
where we all got together.
Jackie and I were really good friends with Fred and Allison.
We were very close to stuttering John and Susanna
for a long time.
So it was a time of real good friendships and camaraderie.
But there were tough things about it as well.
The man was sleep deprived for 15 years,
getting up at 4:30 in the morning and he did not go to
bed at 10 o'clock.
Never.
It's a very tough lifestyle doing morning drive radio.
I don't know how he did it for so long,
especially when he was drinking.
You can't sneak in the Stern show.
Everyone knows if you're not there or you're late,
it disrupts your entire life.
When you are on a show
that's the biggest show in the country on television
and movies and radio.
It takes a toll.
He was a devout member of that team.
But you give up a lot when you do that.
I think Jackie is just guilty of a lot of things
went kind of awry at the same time.
Sometimes it wasn't the friendliest job in the world.
You know, there's a couple times
we had a falling out where I,
like I quit and told Howard to go,
well, I told Fred to tell Howard to go fuck himself.
Jackie felt that the show was a team effort
and I'm not sure that Howard always sees it that way.
That's gonna get me in trouble.
Howard's been known that there wasn't a lot of sharing of
the good things that came out of such a team effort
and that seemed to be something that Jackie
wasn't happy with.
He would've liked to have been rewarded a little more
for his part.
The abuse that you get from Howard,
the lack of acknowledgement for the hard work
and the jokes that you're writing.
I think at some point that takes a toll.
It's the empire he built, you know?
But you, I mean, you can fall under the weight
of your own hype,
like in otherwise, if you start destroying
the support beams, it'll show.
It's toxic man.
It's toxic.
They have this corporate mentality.
There are two main characters aside from Howard
who played prominently in Jackie's relationship
with the Stern show.
One is Mel Karmazin,
who was the head of Infinity Broadcasting,
who later went over to Sirius.
And the other is Don Buckwald,
who's been Howard's agent forever.
And together they helped make Howard
into the force that he is today.
The broadcast industry is a very frugal business,
unless you're the owner.
Mel ran a good, tight business and he was,
everything was in the best interest of the shareholder.
Mel really groomed Howard
to be that money making corporate guy.
If you want to be successful and be a millionaire,
there's rules you gotta follow and you can't let people make
a lot of money because everybody's gonna want your money.
So you gotta keep that,
keep 'em down here because it is just,
that's something we do as millionaires.
This is what goes on in my head,
but I think that it sounds reasonable.
And then Howard adopted and groomed by all these people,
like Don telling him, no,
you can't treat people like this
because then they're gonna want more
and then they're gonna want more and more.
So just keep 'em down here and make 'em like, you know,
anybody could take your job.
And that's the way I felt because it was like I knew there
was a list of resumes right behind me, so I, you shut up.
It wasn't as fair as it could be, but you know,
you're in business and I work for you.
What I think I deserve and what you think I deserve.
There's always gonna be horse races, but the point is,
you're allowed to ask for more and you're allowed to say no.
End of story.
Jackie once said about other people on the show
being afraid to ask for money.
He's like, look, we're part of a thing
that makes like a billion dollars a year.
This is America.
It's a capitalist country.
It's all right to ask for more.
And he stood alone in that and that's hard to do.
And it ended up being his unraveling, you know.
He didn't walk away, he asked for more money.
They didn't really negotiate with him.
That's as much as I'll say about it.
Jackie had the best job in radio,
but there was no competition for his services.
His mistake was, he didn't have the leverage to say,
well I'm gonna go over to this other show
that's syndicated in 50 markets
where they're gonna pay me for 50 markets.
Billy West and I both left to do better things.
Jackie, he played his hand and he didn't,
he should have had something else,
even if it was being a writer for like a lesser of a show,
for a Don Imus or something.
But he should have had something before he left.
I tried to talk him out of it and I said, Jackie,
stick it out five more years
and then you never have to work again.
It's a shame.
He's 70 now and he still has to do all these gigs
cause he's gotta make a living.
And he wouldn't have had to do that if he would've just
fucking listened to the stuttering prick.
One of the saddest days that I can remember
on the Stern show was the day Jackie left.
It wasn't as much fun to come into work.
I was like, oh God.
The greatest thing,
which the Howard Stern show does not have anymore
is the conflict.
There's no conflict anymore.
I mean, they do Benji, they try to have the conflict.
Jackie had, it was a real conflict.
So many people say you made the worst move
in show business ever.
I don't think so.
Maybe I did to some people, maybe.
Financially it hurt, fame wise it hurt.
But you know, my life, it was bad.
I was caught, I was caught in a trap.
I wasn't gonna stop drinking, I wasn't gonna get divorced.
I was living with a woman and we weren't in love.
So there was no way I was ever gonna quit drinking.
Jackie with losing the job.
And the way he lost the job, me, with the drugs,
you feel like your life is unraveling
and coming apart in front of 15 million people.
So I was, you had to break the egg to make the omelet,
and whether it was smart or not
and it all comes down to me being full of crap
because a couple months later I said,
"Hey, I'll take the deal if it's still available."
Maybe he just needed that excuse.
Not coming to terms with the amount of money
was the push he needed. To hear him say it,
he got healthier.
He doesn't look healthy to me,
but he says it saved his life.
When I was going through my hell,
my particular hell at the end of my run there
and I was feeling because of the drugs,
everybody around me was abandoning me,
including Howard, which was wrong.
Jackie texted me, I'll never forget this.
I was on my way to the show and I was doing a lot of heroin,
a lot of cocaine,
and I was drinking before the show
and I was getting a drink at a deli
at 5:50 in the morning before I went to Sirius.
And Jackie texted me and he knew,
I think instinctually he knew what I was going through.
He texted me and he said,
I'm the only person in the world
who knows what you're going through.
He was so kind about it.
Look man, I know what you're going through.
You're on the biggest radio show ever
and you have personal problems going on.
If you need me, I'm here for you.
You know that I'll never forget that text.
I realized he's the only guy who could be my shrink
because it's a unique job and a unique problem
that I shared with him, you know?
I think the way it went down was the best way for him.
I do.
Within an eight week period, he was off the show,
our marriage split up and he stopped drinking.
He doesn't have quite the fame that he had
or quite the money that he had,
but he has a life and a good one.
Last time I was on the Howard Stern Show
was sometime around 2012.
Went on, had a lot of laughs, was great.
Haven't really been in contact with any of them ever since.
Of course we reached out to all of them
to be in the documentary
and those of them that did reply declined via email,
which saddens me.
But the craziest thing about the whole situation
is I am still very good friends with everybody I ever met
except those people.
And I was very close to them for 18 years and then nothing.
I'm not sure what that says about the situation
or them or me.
Two blondes were out to lunch.
First blonde says to the second blonde,
"You got something on your cheek."
The other blonde goes like this.
She says, "Nah, the other side."
She goes.
Well I left the show and I obviously had a lot of time
even doing my shows and having fun
and I had quit drinking and I figured I always want,
I always loved the movies.
And I said, let me give it a shot.
Wanted to try acting.
I took acting lessons.
I met Jackie on a movie called "Send No Flowers."
I play a sort of mob boss's daughter
and Jackie plays a guy who owes me money.
We came here today.
To jerk me off?
No, not at all.
$165,000, That's what you owe.
What?
Mickey O'Mara.
He's not here now.
He's gone.
He's not here to run interference for you two degenerates.
I expect you to pay the money you owe my family
by the end of this month.
You can't be serious.
I'm as serious as a heart attack.
He did a great job.
I was very impressed with his acting in the scenes
that we did together on this little movie.
Hey, you know why they make gold chains?
To remind you Italians where to stop shaving.
Then it was a movie called "Venus & Vegas"
and Jackie had another part
and we had Florence Henderson in it,
and Florence Henderson was wild.
Hello baby, Mama just hit the big perfecta
and she is hot.
Come in.
Ah, ooh, daddy got a hose for mommy's fire.
And Jackie tongue kissed Florence Henderson,
while he ate a hot dog.
And I think Jackie enjoyed this more than anything
he's ever done in his entire life.
Oh man.
It was disturbing.
And Jackie was so proud of it and Florence Henderson
was like into it
and it just made the whole entire crew cringe.
If you spend five minutes with Jackie and listen to any of
his stories,
the first thing you think of is this guy
should write a book and he actually did.
I mean, he sequestered himself in a room
for I don't know how long,
and he collected all his stories
and came out with this book,
which of course has a title that could only be written
by Jackie.
How many joke fans do we have here?
I look at the book and I just can't believe it.
I look at all you and I can't believe it.
I have been so, so lucky.
Let's sign some books.
Let's have some fun.
And so now you got this book.
This is "The Joke Man."
This is "Bow to Stern."
This is a, this is a great picture, great title.
Jackie, I'll tell you, you're a legend man.
Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling, right.
Jackie, good to see you brother.
The man.
Good to see you.
Look at us, 49 years old, both of us.
Here you go.
Hey, come on.
Good morning teacher.
What's up Jackie?
The wack pack is how the Howard Stern Show
refers to all the crazies who closely orbit the show.
And now as I drift further and further
from being a cast member,
I've probably meandered frighteningly close
to becoming a wack packer if I haven't already.
It's a very cold winner's night.
So three homeless guys huddle up close to stay warm.
Wake up in the morning, guy on the left said,
"I dream somebody's pulling on my dick."
Guy on the right says,
"I dreamed somebody was pulling on my dick."
Guy in the middle says, "I had a dream I went skiing."
And one day I went to dinner with Howard
and he said, "Oh, so you wanna have a show?"
And I said, "Sure,
I'm just gonna tell some jokes or whatever."
And of course the story delineated into,
I went to Howard and begged for a show.
But bottom line is I got the show one day a week
and then I called my friend Ian said,
"Hey, I got my own show on Sirius.
Want to be my co-host?"
And he said, "Okay."
Live from Studio 21 in the Sirius XM broadcast complex.
It's been week since I saw McKean.
On "Jackie's Joke Hunt", we did the show for eight years,
402 episodes I think.
And we calculated that it was something over 10,000 jokes
that we heard over the run of the show.
I remember exactly three.
"Jackie's Joke Hunt" ran for 402 episodes.
It was just jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes.
And I still think it's just a ridiculous format.
And it was so much fun.
Now Steven, what we do, this is called the opening salvo.
I do a joke.
He does a joke.
You do a joke, she does joke.
Got it, I could do it.
Steven Schirripa.
All right, here we go.
So a guy calls home, "He says, honey, I won the lottery.
Start packing."
She says, "Should I pack for the beach or to go skiing?"
He says, "I don't care where you go, just get the fuck out."
Normally, Schirripa, I tell everybody the rules
and I always forget and it's nobody's fault
because you're supposed to use a girl's voice
if it's a girl, oh, but that's not your fault.
wait, what am I gonna sound like a girl?
What girl am I gonna sound like? — A little like me.
I think that's one of the funniest things to me is people
not telling the jokes right.
Being made to tell a joke seven times
because he couldn't get the accents,
he couldn't get the this, the that.
He got the words wrong.
Do it one more time.
A guy calls home, he says,
"Honey, I won the lottery.
Start packing."
(high pitched) She says,
No, no, shouldn't say "She says"
in a girl's voice.
You don't talk like the girl until its the girl.
(high pitched) "Should I pack for the beach
or to go skiing?"
He says,
"I don't care where you go, just get the fuck out."
And take your voice with ya.
So we did "Jackie's Joke Hunt" for eight years
and they paid us less money and less money
and abused us more and more,
but they couldn't make us quit.
So they finally fired us.
You know, when I started working on the Stern show,
I realized like, this is an odd job.
And I think it went through my mind like,
will there be any evidence that I ever did anything?
I just have always saved everything.
You know, if you have three quarter inch videos
of your act or four track cassettes,
of course you're gonna keep them.
I guess it's my whole life.
I just have always held on to stuff.
It's garbage, but it's wonderful garbage.
Cab driver picks up a nun, looks in the rear view mirror,
says, "You know sister, I always fantasized about being
with a nun."
"Yeah, you and everybody else.
You Catholic?"
"Yes I am."
She says, "Pull over."
He pulls over, she gets into the front seat,
gives him the best blowjob he's ever had.
She gets done, he feels a little guilty,
says, "Sister, I gotta tell you something.
I'm not really Catholic."
She says, "Yeah, my name's Ralph.
I'm going to a costume party."
Good night!
The other day on Twitter, somebody said,
"Boy, that's some racket you got.
You memorize some joke books and tell jokes
and make money."
And like, I don't answer these people
because they don't realize that these jokes
are organically fed into my soul over 70 years.
You know what, Jackie has lived a life on his own terms.
I think he's generally pretty pleased
with the way his life has gone.
You think of Jackie being the Jackie from years ago,
again, drinking, Howard ragging on him and stuff.
Now he's a lot more responsible,
which is so odd to say about Jackie.
I think he's eternally like a child.
What a great gift that is, right?
Isn't that a great gift to be able to be happy and giggly.
I think he was always the realest person on the show.
There's something really pure
about what drives him to do the comedy
and the music and all that stuff.
I think he just needs to.
I really don't think it's about making tons of money.
And I think that he's the kind of guy that no matter what
level he got to financially,
he would happily live out his days.
The guy wakes up in a hospital bed
and the nurse looks down at him
and she says, "You were in a terrible accident.
You won't be able to feel anything from the waist down."
He says, "Well, then can I squeeze your tits?"
Sorry girls.
Two nuns riding on a bicycle in a Vatican courtyard.
And one says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
She says, "Me neither must be the cobblestones."
When you get old enough, you know what makes you happy.
If I sit down and write a story about my life
or do anything creative, I'm happy.
Or if I go into a store and make a few people laugh,
I'm happy.
But that doesn't necessarily make you want to seek it out
because it's like, it's weird.
I know when I was writing my book,
every time I wrote a story, I was like,
goddamn that feels great.
You know, not for any reason,
but just like feeling like you accomplished something.
(upbeat music)
Censor! Censor!
That my friend,
is how to end the night of comedy.
Couple's in the living room.
He says, "You're dry tonight."
She says, "You're licking the rug."
Why don't witches wear panties?
To get a better grip on the broom.
A priest, a rabbi, and a reverend walk in to a bar
and the bartender goes, "Is this a joke?"
How do you tell when an auto mechanic has had sex?
One of his fingers are clean.
What do you get when you cross a penis with a porcupine?
An armadildo?
What do you call an Italian slum?
A spaghetto.
What's the difference between concern and panic?
Concern is the first time you can't get it up
the second time.
Panic is the second time you can't get it up the first time.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
My wife had a face lift and I had enough leftover
to make me two pair of cowboy boots.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
Guys carrying two watermelons, right?
Guy walks up to him and says, "What time is it?"
The guy goes.