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ASSISTANT: She'll see you now.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together
-for Josh Johnson. -[audience applauding]
THERAPIST: So, tell me what's on your mind.
Thanks for making time for me, by the way.
I feel very lucky to be here, 'cause, um,
I actually grew up pretty poor,
and I grew up poor in Louisiana,
which somehow feels extra poor.
There's something about being poor next to a swamp that makes you go,
"Oh, I might not make it out of this shit, okay.
These might be insurmountable circumstances."
Because when you're poor you get the worst of everything.
Which makes sense because you have no money,
But because you're a poor kid you're finding out
it's the worst of everything one thing at a time.
Like, every new experience is the worst.
[audience laughing]
Like, I still remember the first time I ever got rushed to the hospital,
I was very young, I got a huge gash down my arm,
I was losing a lot of blood, and so they rushed me to the hospital.
But the closest one was still in a really bad part of town.
And they put me in front of the doctor
and I'm screaming and I'm bleeding and I'm crying
and the doctor's like, "Hey, buddy, it's okay.
It's okay. Just show me what's wrong."
And so I showed the doctor my arm and the doctor went, "Ew."
-That's not a good doctor. -[audience laughing]
That's not a good doctor at all.
I'm pretty sure the entire point of medical schools
are "ew" not to be your prognosis.
[audience laughing]
He almost went, "Ew, nigga."
It almost came out of his mouth.
He caught it, but I heard it, you know what I mean?
He choked [indistinct], this is a bad hospital,
this is a bad doctor, we need to leave.
I will bleed out before I owe these people money.
When you don't have money it affects everything.
Like I even--
I ain't even get good cereal 'til I was 20.
[audience laughing]
My cereal was very poor.
To get my cereal,
you had to go to a discount grocery store
and you had to look at the bottom shelf.
And on the bottom shelf was just a bag.
My cereal had no box. My cereal was homeless, okay?
[audience laughing]
It was just a 20 gallon bag with no seam.
They made the cereal, they bagged it up and they were like,
"Nobody would ever eat this, right? Like, there's no reason."
Like, there wasn't even a spout.
You had to slice the bag open like a pirate
to get the cereal out.
And it wasn't even a cereal you'd recognize.
It wasn't even Fruit Loops. My cereal was a knockoff of a knockoff of a knockoff.
My cereal was just called "Circles," all right?
[audience laughing]
It had no other name, not even Colored Circles, just Circles.
[audience laughing]
So you take the cereal home, you slice the bag open,
you pour the cereal into the bowl, and look,
I don't know what your life is like,
I don't know if you grew up with money
or poor or with Circles.
[audience laughing]
But if you did, you know that when you pour the milk in,
Circles don't give a damn about milk.
It all floated. How does it all float?
That is poorer than physics, all right?
I had to push the circles down with my hand
to get all the cereal wet and then I bit into it
and the shit is glass, all right?
It's just glass in cereal form, my momma asked me how it tastes,
I was like, "Like milk and blood," all right?
[audience laughing]
These are terrible circumstances we're living in.
Like, my neighborhood--
growing up, we didn't even have a good pharmacy.
The pharmacy in my hometown had no counter.
I'll say it again, since it didn't bump you.
The pharmacy had no counter.
You realize a counter is the only thing
stopping a drugstore from being a dope house.
[audience laughing]
When you went to the pharmacy in my neighborhood, there was no counter,
it was just one dude standing in front of all the drugs, like,
"What do you want?"
[audience laughing]
-"We don't do receipts." -[audience laughing]
This is terrible.
That's the thing, is that...
when you don't have money, especially when you don't have money
in America it-- it...
it-- it takes a toll.
Because most of your problems stem from one problem
that you can't do anything about, especially when you're a kid.
And I think that some of that trauma can-- it can really latch on to you.
And for me, I don't think it did because--
I can only speak for myself,
but I just think that a lot of trauma is...
-funny. -[audience laughing]
Obviously not all of it,
but I-- okay, I can tell I'm losing you so--
[audience laughing]
I'll give you an example.
There was one year where money was very tight.
It was especially tight around my birthday.
[audience laughing]
And so they just didn't tell me I turned ten.
[audience laughing]
They were like, "No, let's wait 'til we can have a party
with some friends." so I just stayed nine.
[audience laughing]
But I had friends, so I was going to my friends' birthday parties and everything.
And finally I had to go to my mom, be like,
"Mom, all my friends turning ten. Why am I not turning ten?"
[audience laughing]
And my mom looked at me.
And she-- she went...
"You go at your own pace, baby, all right?"
[audience laughing]
"Don't compare yourself to other people, okay?
You gonna turn ten when it's time."
[audience laughing]
having money is not everything, not having it is.
You rarely hear anything truer than that.
Because when you have money, or you at least have enough of it,
you realize that money is not really there, you know what I mean?
All it is, is a representation of the resources you have available to you.
So, we treat each other pretty poorly to get it sometimes,
and we even judge each other by how much of it we have, but it's not really there.
But when you don't have money...
it's very real.
You know, it's hard to be a philosopher on an empty stomach.
It's why to this day I still remember...
my first visit from the Tooth Fairy.
Right? I was really little.
I just lost my first tooth.
I did everything I was supposed to do.
Put the tooth under my pillow, went to bed,
and my grandma really wanted to spoil me
because I was the first grandbaby in like a long time
and so that night...
she went to my bed...
she took my tooth
and she put a $10 bill under my pillow.
-AUDIENCE: Ooh. -Right?
[audience laughing]
This was $10 for my tooth.
-My mom was furious. -[audience laughing]
She was like, "That's not sustainable. All right?"
"We don't have $10 per tooth money in this household, okay?
His teeth are gonna start depreciating in value and he won't know why.
We're going to have to lie to him and tell him that the Tooth Fairy broke.
Do you see you've made his fantasies poor now?
[audience laughing]
But I didn't care about any of that, I woke up,
I was blown away, $10,
it was the most money I had ever seen at one time.
Okay? I don't even know who this dude is.
[audience laughing]
$10 for one tooth, next one already loose.
[audience laughing]
And so I got to thinking, like, "Wow,
if I save up enough of these,
I can buy my own Lego set, right?
I won't have to ask my parents or anything."
Because here's the thing, when you're a kid
and you ask your parents for something that they would love to give you,
but they have to say no because they don't have the money, that shit hurts.
And you don't get it, you don't fully understand cause you're a kid,
but you know something's wrong and I never wanna make my mom and dad feel like that.
I even got to thinking if I save up enough of these
I can just give the money to my mom and help with the rent
'cause she's always stressed about it.
And I was thinking about all this...
when across from me,
I was sitting outside of my house and across from me...
there's no polite way to say, so across me on the sidewalk
there was a crackhead that was dancing, right?
But he wasn't dancing to any music, just to the rhythm of the crack.
-[hums] -[audience laughing]
Right?
And as I looked up at him dancing,
I saw a tooth fall out of his head.
[audience laughing]
And so I, being a young entrepreneur...
[audience laughing]
...approached him and was like, "Sir, I just noticed...
that you lost, I mean, technically it landed on my property,
but I wanna be respectful to you.
I was wondering if you wouldn't mind parting-- well you already parted with it,
but I'm wondering if you would let me have your tooth.
And then he said...
[audience laughing]
[high pitched voice] "My tooth.
You want my tooth?"
"Yes, sir, if I could have the tooth...
that would help me out a lot."
And he was like...
[high-pitched voice] "Give it to you for $5."
And I was like, "Ugh, um, three."
And so then I paid the man and went about my way,
'cause in my head I'm about to flip this anyway.
You know what I mean?
Take money to make money, right?
And so then that night, I put the tooth under my pillow.
I had sweet dreams of Lego sets and paid rent.
And when I woke up...
There was a grown man's tooth under my pillow.
I was furious.
I was so angry and there's the thing,
I know I'm the only one that thinks this,
but I actually think that we should teach kids to curse, all right?
Cause one, they're going to learn anyway, okay?
And two, one of the things that can make kids unbearable sometimes
is that they don't have the words to express how they're feeling, right?
Like if I woke up and saw the tooth
and known the word "damn," I would just say "damn" and been done with it, right?
But because I'm little and I don't know any curse words,
I was stomping around the house, like...
[grunting angrily]
[audience laughing]
You know that--
[audience laughing]
You know, when you were little you get stiff leg, you're like...
[grunts angrily]
[audience laughing]
And my mom saw me and she grabbed me, she was like,
"Baby, what's wrong?"
And I was like... [gasping]
Because, you know, you can't talk when you little or you're that mad.
My mom was like, "Calm down.
Tell me what's wrong. Use your words."
And I was like... [sobbing]
"I put a tooth under my pillow last night. The tooth fairy didn't come.
[indistinct] supposed to give me [indistinct]
and she owe me money. This is crazy."
[audience laughing]
And my mom was like, "You lost another tooth already?"
And I was like, "No."
[audience laughing]
So then she had to go see.
[audience laughing]
So she walked to my bed...
she flipped over my pillow.
[audience laughing]
She went "Ew, ni--"
[audience laughing]
And then she grabbed the tooth and she was like, "Where did you get this?"
I'm like, "From the man." She's like, "What man?"
[audience laughing]
Cause in my mom's mind, there's like a grown man out there selling teeth.
Which, I mean, she wasn't wrong. She wasn't far off.
He did sell me the teeth out of his mouth.
THERAPIST: Do you feel like having less as a child
affected your outlook on life?
Well, it's just-- it's just hurts.
You know 'cause...
when you're poor, all you wanna be is not.
You know? It doesn't even matter why you're poor.
I remember, didn't have money in Louisiana,
moved to Chicago, was somehow poorer.
And then now, living in New York
is the first time in my life that I'm actually
doing all right, I'm very blessed.
-I feel good about life. -[audience applauding]
But I'm not going to lie to you. Now that I'm not poor, I think I wanna be rich.
I think that's how this whole thing works, you know?
you have two meals a day your whole life,
and then you finally have three, you like,
"Shoot, how about four? Let's get it."
[audience laughing]
I wanna be so rich...
that I actually say, "Mo' money, mo' problems."
Never had to use the phrase before.
I wanna be so rich...
I get gout.
[audience laughing]
If you don't know what gout is, it's when your joints are like,
"We too rich.
Stop it."
[audience laughing]
I wanna--
I wanna be so rich
I get in a yacht accident.
[audience laughing]
Just my yacht and somebody else's yacht
run right into each other
As I'm going down with the ship I'm like, "Mo' money, mo' problems."
[audience laughing]
THERAPIST: Let's jump ahead a little bit.
How do you feel about the direction
your life is going in now?
JOSH: It almost feels like we're the stepchildren of history.
-[audience chuckling] -You know?
Global pandemic.
Potential world war. All in a few years.
It's so bad, I don't even let my grandparents talk shit to me anymore, you know?
I really don't, they're like, "Back in my day--"
I'm like, "Back in your day, you could go outside,
don't do that."
[audience laughing]
I actually don't even give them credit for still being alive
and also going through this thing because I'm like,
"This is a party you about to leave, I have to stay.
[audience laughing]
I mean COVID alone, look at-- look at COVID.
Killed millions of people around the world. They're gone.
We lost millions of people.
COVID took millions of lives
and it still didn't manage to kill the right people.
Like, isn't that wild?
Isn't that kind of crazy?
[audience cheering and applauding]
Like, anytime you meet an asshole
for the next five years of your life,
a part of you is gonna be like,
"Really? You ma-- okay.
Whatever."
COVID killed millions of people,
but somehow everyone that I owe money lived.
[audience laughing]
You know what that feels, like, you know how many loans I held off on
cause I was like, "He's been sick anyway, let's just see."
[audience laughing]
I was in Georgia, I was in Atlanta
visiting my family for Thanksgiving.
This is November of 2020, right?
And it was four of us in the car.
It was my aunt driving, my mom sitting passenger,
me sitting behind my aunt,
and my girlfriend sitting next to me.
And we get pulled over.
But we get pulled over from like the light.
Like it-- like it flashes green and then we just hear "whoop, whoop."
I'm like, "That's not even time enough to do anything illegal."
So we pull over and my aunt rolls down the window,
cop walks up to the--
to the window and my aunt already has her license out
'cause you know, Black people, we stay ready so.
So, she hands the cop her license and she's like,
"I'm sorry, like was I speeding or, you know, something?"
I don't know how you speed from a green, but, you know, like,
was I speeding or something?
And he bent down and he looked at us
and he said, "You have too many people in the car."
So, he said, "You have too many people in the car."
And he walked back, and I'm not gonna lie, I googled it.
I was just like, "Maybe. Who knows?"
You know, it's 2020, we have COVID,
I don't know if there's something, you know?
We could fit five, we're technically riding light,
like how-- we have too many people.
And then while he's gone, my mind is just racing.
It's just thinking about all the ways
that this could go wrong, you know?
And I was so nervous, just genuinely afraid,
not just for myself, but for the women around me
and he finally walks back up to the window,
and he's been gone a long time, by the way.
And he leans into the window,
he has my aunt back her license, and he says...
"On behalf of Newton County, we'd like to present you and your family
with this Butterball turkey.
Happy Thanksgiving."
And in my head I'm like, "Why'd you do it like that?
That's what-- what is wrong with you?"
[audience laughing and applauding]
I thought we were all going to jail.
Everybody knows the longer the cop is gone
the more jail you're going to.
What took you so long? Did you forget where the turkeys were?
I'm not gonna lie, I actually think that what happened was he went,
he had-- he had my aunt's license and he went to grab the turkey
and the license fell between the seats
and he was like, "It's always something."
[audience laughing]
And so then he passes the turkey to my aunt.
She passes the turkey to me.
[audience laughing]
I'm just sitting there with it.
Looking at it and in my head I'm like...
there better not be any crack in this.
And then we drive off and, whew,
I'm not gonna lie, police have messed with me before, but like,
this is the worst thing that a cop has ever done to me.
Because in a year when all of my friends are out protesting
and we're sitting around in Brooklyn around the table
telling stories about getting their ass beat at protests
like civil rights leaders,
I gotta be the one to be like, "Yeah.
And sometimes they give you turkeys you don't even want.
[audience laughing]
It's the day before Thanksgiving.
How it's going to defrost in time? That's terrorism.
[audience laughing]
I've-- I've, uh, I've been having a really weird time because...
it was at the end of last year that I realized
I'm a little bit older right now
then my parents were when they had me.
And that feels crazy.
Feels insane to especially check the markers of where they were
when they were my age, where I am now that--
Like, I even feel like an adult.
A kid called me sir last week to get my attention,
I almost punched him right in the throat.
I was like, "Don't put that evil on me."
I'm also scared to have kids cause I live in New York.
You know, like, I get that it's beautiful and iconic,
but also, the rats have personality, right?
It's a jarring place to live.
I give you my best example of why I'm scared, right?
There was a-- a while back where I was on the subway,
I don't even remember where I was headed, but things were going well, you know?
I-- I was listening to a podcast, I was having a good day, right?
And I remember I was sitting on the train
and as I was sitting down,
this dude got on the train and sat across from me.
And this guy is crazy. Okay?
Now, I know you're not supposed to say that, I know that's dismissive,
But personally, I feel like political correctness
works in proximity to the problem, okay?
If I've been watching this dude in a documentary, I'd be like,
"He is an individual having an episode, all right?"
But because he is four feet away from me, he is crazy, okay?
And he's being crazy right now.
My man is sitting down having a very specific argument
with somebody that nobody can see, all right?
And he not even looking across at me, he looking down,
so it's like a little gremlin or something.
And it's not the type of argument you can interject in,
he's just like "I ate all the Jell-O, all right?
So that's happening.
And as that's happening the emergency doors open.
Which is never good.
No emergency doors ever open anywhere
and people were like, "What's about to happen?"
That's always bad. Hence the name.
And this dude comes through the door,
and look, out of respect,
I will use a politically correct term for him
cause he different situation than the first two.
This guy is fucking crazy, okay?
This guy couldn't be crazier.
First of all, he came through the door sideways
which is a strong choice.
I've been walking through doors all my life
and I've been just doing it front ways, like I had no idea,
I guess I'm just vanilla like that, like,
I've been walking through doors missionary
and everything this whole time.
[audience laughing]
But my man walked in the door sideways,
making weird noises, doing Michael Jackson moves and stuff.
My man came in the door just like... [grunting].
Nonstop, okay? And not busking for money.
This is coming out of his spirit all right?
Just nonstop. [grunting]
Okay, also should point out no shirt, no shoes,
no socks, just pants, fly open
and the only reason this man's pants hadn't fallen to the ground
was cause he had a big booty and a big dick, all right?
My man's pants are hanging on for dear life. He just... [grunts].
This dude is so fucking crazy
that the crazy guy stopped being crazy.
Crazy dude was sitting there, like, "I ate all of the Jell-O.
Ew...
Y'all see him with his dick out like that. Isn't that nasty?"
-Starts commiserating with us. -[audience laughing]
I'm like, "This is how we felt about you." This is wild.
That's why I feel bad calling him crazy
because it's clearly not a permanent situation.
He see dick and he lose it.
[audience laughing]
And the reason that I'm scared to have kids...
isn't because of the crazy guy.
It's not because of the fucking crazy guy.
It's because while all of this was going down,
there was a kid on the train...
that barely reacted.
[audience laughing]
Crazy dude got in, sat down and was like, "I ate all of the Jell-O,"
and then little man next to me, couldn't be more than 8-years-old,
was sitting there, reading a Captain America comic
looked at him and was like...
"That'll work itself out."
[audience laughing]
And then the fucking crazy guy got on like... [grunting]
He was like, "Let's see what the Red Skull is up to."
Like, I don't know if I'm actually more scared of the crazy guy,
the fucking crazy guy or the kid.
You should only be that stoic
if you've seen combat, all right?
And it only happened at the end of last year,
so I still think about where that kid is all the time.
He probably on a playground right now.
Just putting out a cigarette on his own hand.
[audience laughing]
[high-pitched voice] I've seen things.
So yeah. Maybe I'm afraid of having kids.
THERAPIST: Can you tell me what scares you so much about parenthood?
Are you afraid you won't be a good father?
Do you remember, when you believed in grown-ups?
[audience laughing]
-Do you remember that? -WOMAN: Yes!
Remember when you were little and you were like,
"The big people, they know."
And then you got older and you're like, "Fuck, nobody knows."
[audience laughing and applauding]
This is terrible. Someone should do something.
You remember the first time you looked...
at a grown-up and you were like,
"I don't think you know what you're doing."
[audience laughing]
-For me, it was my dad. -WOMAN: Yes!
[audience laughing]
That first tooth...
back when it was just loose,
I went to my dad and I told him.
My dad was always excited to do, like, a milestone thing,
like, a dad thing, right?
Something special.
That's a moment that he watched his friends have
and now he's having with me.
I walked up to him, I told him that my tooth was loose.
He got so excited he ran out of the room.
And he ran back in the room with the length of string.
And he tied one side of the string to my tooth
and one side of the string to the doorknob,
but didn't tell me what the plan was.
[audience laughing]
So then he slammed the door, but he put too much string in my mouth,
so we just watched the door slam.
[audience laughing and applauding]
And I mean, I put it together, what he was trying to do
as soon as the door slammed and I looked down
with string still in my mouth and I was like,
"Sir, there's string on the floor, you didn't measure anything."
[audience laughing]
I don't think you're a grown-up at all, sir.
[audience laughing]
I don't even know why I'm calling you "sir,"
I don't think you a grown-up, dude.
[audience laughing]
I will say, uh,
I feel bad cause sometimes you share a thing
and-- all right so... [chuckles]
...my friend... [giggling]
my friend got in a car accident, right?
And he was not okay, okay?
But he got in a car accident with an ambulance,
like, what better car accident is there to get in, you know what I mean?
Like-- but it turns out if you get into a car accident with an ambulance
the ambulance driver will get out and react like anybody else,
you could have gotten in a car accident with.
Because the ambulance driver got out and was like, "Fuck."
And he went to my friends, he was like, "You couldn't see me?
I'm bigger than you. You couldn't see--"
My friend was not okay.
We knew he was concussed immediately
because he hit his head on impact
and was so disoriented that he threw up on the windshield
past the steering wheel, and was so confused
he still turned on the windshield wipers.
He was like, "It's not working. I don't know why--"
[audience laughing]
So, finally, the ambulance driver comes back
to his window, he's like, "Buddy, are you okay?
Like, is everything all right?"
And my buddy's like, "Oh, no,
I hit my head, this is bad."
And the ambulance driver went...
[shouting inarticulately]
[audience laughing]
And then made my friend sit on the hood,
while he checked his eyes with a little flashlight,
having a nervous breakdown out loud.
He was like, "I was about to fucking quit today.
This is bullshit."
[audience laughing]
And my friend was like, "Oh, this is bad.
Something bad happened.
Should we call somebody?" [chuckles]
And he was like, "Look, you call them,
they're gonna call me, all right?
I'm already here.
Let's figure this out together, okay?
Just get in the back."
Cause getting hit by an ambulance must be
a double-edged sword,
'cause on the one hand, help's already there,
but on the other, they're gonna blame it on you.
Because then they got to the hospital
and my friend was like, "Yeah,
he came out of nowhere."
And the ambulance driver was like, "Don't listen
to that poor thing, he concussed.
He doesn't know what he's saying right now."
THERAPIST: Hold on a minute.
You think it was funny
that your friend was hurt?
No, it... [sighs]
...it's not funny that my friend was hurt.
It's the circumstance that's funny.
It's-- it's ironic, right?
Geez, you can really tell
that we've sucked all the joy out of the world
that the simple act of laughing at something seems malicious.
Laughter is a means to process.
I thought that was your whole thing.
It's a way to exhale hurt.
Like some people cry, some people sigh,
some people scream, and I...
-...laugh. -[audience laughing]
I remember...
the first time someone paid me money...
to do stand-up.
I was so excited. I was blown away.
It was gonna be the most money I had ever made.
There was this place that was gonna pay me $1,000
to go out there and do a show.
And I couldn't believe it. I thought it was a prank.
[audience laughing]
And I remember I was like-- my heart was racing,
I was like, "Oh, my gosh, this is-- I'm really doing it.
I'm gonna be a comedian that gets paid, right?
That doesn't just bother people."
[audience laughing]
And... [sighs] ...and I remember
I didn't even want to buy a flight,
'cause I didn't want to cut into the,
like, money that I was going to get.
And so then I looked up a bus--
and this is how you could tell I was 22 at the time,
'cause I looked up the bus, it was going to take two days,
I was like, "That's not even that bad, that's pretty good.
"Like, for $60, I could do it, I could swing it,
you know, I ain't got nowhere to be."
And being on a bus for two days will change you...
[audience laughing]
...in a way that you are not ready for.
'Cause I remember I showed up to the bus coy.
I walked down, I was like, "Oh, my God, he's got a tattoo on his nose." [chuckles]
By the end of the trip, I was the one passing out sandwiches,
calling people sweetie and stuff.
And I remember we were a day into the trip...
and there was a guy next to me that was sleeping.
And it wasn't good sleep.
You know that sleep where somebody-- like his face,
he fell asleep with his face pressed
against the glass, just sliding down.
You know that sleep that you know
that when they wake up their neck's gonna hurt.
He was sleeping like that. I'm not going to lie.
-He looked dead, like, I... [chuckles] -[audience laughing]
I was very scared he was dead and I wanted to touch him,
but I was like, "I don't even think I'm prepared
for what touching a dead body will do to my psyche,
after 26 hours on this bus. [chuckles]
And so I'm sitting there for a while,
I'm listening to music and stuff, I'm--
Out of nowhere, from his sleep...
with the power and strength of a grown man,
he fully shit his pants.
[audience laughing]
And so immediately, I jump up to the other side,
the other aisle, I scream, right?
And I'm trying to hold it in, but I scream like a bitch.
I'm, like-- I really did.
I don't even know if I could really hit that note again if I try.
And so other people see me, they see me scream, they see why I'm screaming,
and then they also jump to the other side
and everyone on that side jumped to the other side so fast
that not in a cartoonish way, not like an action movie,
but the bus did tip for a second, right?
I was like, "This can't be how I die." [chuckles]
"'Cause he gonna land on me."
[audience laughing]
And so the bus tipped for a second,
and then it bounced back and he was fully awake
and he didn't know what was happening.
He was just-- his eyes,
I've never seen fear like that before.
And then he ran to the bathroom,
which the bathroom on a bus is not a bathroom,
it's a place where you stand and pee.
But from the bathroom,
we heard him...
Go... [blows raspberry] "...No, no, no, no, no!"
[all laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Um... [chuckles]
A while back, uh...
when I was in New York--
this is early to me living there--
I got a phone call that genuinely...
changed my life.
I've actually never been the same since.
I got a call that my dad was sick, right?
And when your parents call,
sometimes you don't have time.
Like you have time, but you don't make time.
And...
my mom happened to call me ahead of him
and was like, "Hey, your dad's gonna call you,
make sure you answer, 'cause he doesn't sound good
and he's headed to the hospital."
And so I pick up, and I'm so genuinely grateful.
I feel incredibly blessed to have two things
that happen in that time.
One, is I got to talk to my dad on the phone.
I got to tell him that I loved him.
I got to hear his voice again.
'Cause he was driving himself to the hospital
'cause he didn't feel good, he felt really bad.
And I'm glad that my mom called to make sure that I picked up,
'cause I don't even think-- I think I'd be
even a different version of the person I am now,
if I didn't pick up that phone when he called.
And he was really sick and it was really sudden.
But the second thing that I'm so thankful,
so blessed that I got to do was I got to get on a plane
and to rush home and be with him
before he died.
I got to hold his hand, I got to talk to him,
I got to say goodbye, right?
Because once again,
I don't think I would be this version of me
if it had just been that sudden and just immediate,
and I never got to tell him I loved him again
in person, on the phone,
hear his voice, remember what that was like.
And I didn't even clean out the house or anything
after the funeral cause I--
I had what I still kind of feel like was the perfect excuse
because I was working at Tonight Showat the time,
I had barely been hired.
And so in my head I was like, "I have to get back
because this is helping pay for what's at home.
I'm able to take care of my mom, take care of the family
with the money that I make from this, right?
But deep down, I don't even know if I could have done it
if I didn't have that job.
And I remember a week after he passed,
I was back in New York and I was at a party
and I felt like a piece of shit
for being at a party a week after my dad died.
And I'm not even partying, by the way.
I just don't wanna be at home alone.
I just don't wanna be alone with my thoughts
about the fact that I can't call my dad.
And I'm at this party, and by the way,
I don't drink or smoke,
so I'm just being sad and sober at a party
which is a genuine attack on everyone.
[audience laughing]
And out of nowhere, I start to cry.
And...
when someone's grieving, we always...
put our focus on the person grieving,
the individual grieving, how they're handling,
how they're processing.
But we don't talk about enough is that it's actually
the people around you that lift you out of that.
And no one really gives them enough props
and care and attention, and they don't want to say anything
because you're the one that went through something, you know?
But I was crying at that party,
and it's when I realized that grieving,
the process of grieving, is almost identical...
to shitting your pants on a bus.
[audience laughing]
Because it's something that happened to you...
that we all have to deal with.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Because I'm at this party and I'm crying,
and I don't even realize I'm crying until a guy taps me on my shoulder,
he's like, "You're-- you're in front of the fridge."
And then I ran, 'cause I could feel another wave coming.
And it's uncontrollable. When it hits you like that, there's nothing you can do.
And so I ran to the bathroom
and from the bathroom people could hear me go...
[imitates sobbing] "...No, no, no, no, no."
[audience laughing and applauding]
I do feel like, as a society,
we don't give weird people enough credit.
Like...
we always act like weird people are happening to us.
I'm guilty of it too. I live in New York.
Maybe one day I have to go to a high rise.
There's too many flights of stairs
to take it up, so I take the elevator.
And there's only one other dude on the elevator.
And he weird.
[audience laughing]
And then I get in and I hit 19 on the elevator and he hits 20.
I'm like, "This about to be a journey, all right."
[audience laughing]
But I'm trying to be more empathetic because... [chuckles]
...because, like, I think, truly, that all of us,
no matter who you are, we're all doing the best we can
with what we have.
Everybody.
It's not an excuse. Sometimes that's very sad.
Sometimes like, "That's your best? Oh, no."
But it's true, we're all doing our best as much as we can.
Which means when you meet a weird person,
they could have been weirder.
-[audience laughing] -You know?
Like maybe they did walk up to you,
to start talking about fish and stuff like that,
but they could have walked up like...
[makes unhinged sounds]
I'm also trying to be more empathetic
-'cause I'm weird. -[woman shouting] Yes!
I'm, like, a weird guy.
[audience cheering]
You know?
Like, if we hung out after this,
you be like, "He off." [chuckles]
It's a thing that I know about myself.
I give you my best example.
I used to work at a grocery store.
And when I worked there I worked with a guy
who was very weird.
Like, deeply.
It was never malicious, but it was always very weird.
Like, he would just...
microwave fish in the break room...
and then eat it in front of all of us
like he wasn't a terrorist.
[audience laughing]
And so then I became his friend, cause I've never been more sure
someone was gonna shoot up a store.
[audience laughing]
Then when I saw him hit five minutes on some Atlantic salmon,
I'm like, "He probably got that gun on him right now.
I gotta play my cards right."
'Cause in my mind, if we're friends that means
the day he shoots up the store he's gonna be like,
"Josh... [chuckling] ...get out of here."
I'm like, "All right my man, okay.
I told y'all should be nice to him, that's on y'all."
And so we become friends, genuine friends.
And then one day he calls me and he's like,
"Hey, Josh, I would love for you to come have dinner
with me and my family."
Which I was very excited about.
'Cause if we're out here having dinner together,
that means he gon' call me the day before
he shoot up the store.
He'd be like, "Josh don't come in Thursday, it's going down."
And so I roll up to the house.
And I'm willing to be wrong, I am.
But to my knowledge, there's only two handshakes
that you use to greet people.
All right?
There's the traditional handshake.
You know. Open palm.
And then there's the fist bump, "Hey, how you doing?"
This man opened the door, looked me in my eyes,
extended his arm and didn't do either one.
He just did this. What is this? What is this?
What the hell is happening right now?
This is the craziest thing that I've ever seen, all right?
You can't even high five this, you'll miss.
What is this?
This is absolute insanity. This is not a handshake.
This is how you feed a horse when you're scared.
What is this?
And I don't know what to do,
but I don't wanna be rude and so I just...
pinched it, like a crab, on the side.
And started going up and down like that.
[audience laughing]
And here's the thing, the social contract with a pound
is that it's a moment in time,
you know, it's a, "Hey, what's up?
What's good with you? How you doing?"
Right? The social contract with a handshake is that
we both extend our hand, we give each other a firm grip,
and then when you start to let go,
I know to let go, right?
But because this is nothing but let go,
I don't know when to let go.
So I'm just doing this for what feels like a day.
And he's just taking it, he's just letting me do it.
He's like, "Yes, this is right,
This pleases me."
And I'm not gonna lie, it made me see my friend
in an entirely different light.
Cause when this is your dad...
maybe microwaving some fish isn't that crazy.
Maybe he's just doing the best he can
with what he has.
I'm also trying very hard to be accepting of--
Maybe not just accepting, like, happy...
when things are fine.
We always want things to be great.
Fine is pretty great, 'cause it could be bad.
I understand that we all want life
to be great all the time, but...
it's not gonna be great.
If it can at least be good
most of the time, that's great.
Gotta appreciate how "fine" is amazing.
That's what gratitude is.
That's the basis of it, you know.
[audience applauding]
I especially apply it in dating.
[audience laughs]
'Cause I'm fine.
You know what I mean? I'm not amazing, but I'm here.
I love dating somebody right after
they dated somebody that was trash. [chuckles]
Because I'm just fine, but I look amazing.
You can always tell you've dated a woman
right after she dated somebody that was trash,
'cause all of her compliments aren't compliments.
You know? I went on a date that she was like,
"Oh, my God, mustard and ketchup?"
[audience laughing]
You know?
I went on a date one time, at the end of the date,
I was like, "I had a great time, I hope you did too."
I could tell that there was a veil, like she wasn't actually talking to me.
She was just thinking out loud, like, "Oh, I had a good time too.
And I'm just glad you got all your teeth."
I was like, "What did you just say?"
"Teeth?" And she was like, "I was getting so sick of soup."
I was like, "Soup?"
[audience laughing]
She said I had all my teeth--
man, what have you been through?
THERAPIST: My God, you talk about teeth a lot.
I do.
Because I try very hard,
as I'd like to believe everybody does, to...
love everybody the same, no matter what,
at least give people a chance, you know?
And especially not have a prejudice against a person
'cause they're a member of a group
'cause you can't help what groups you're in.
But I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not perfect.
Some groups are very hard to get along with.
You're not supposed to say that now, but it's true.
Some groups just suck.
[audience laughing]
Middle schoolers are the worst people on the entire planet.
-Like.... -[audience cheering]
...why are they this mean? They are so mean.
I didn't do anything to-- Middle schoolers make you forget
that you're not in middle school, you know?
Like, I have a life and a girlfriend, and that all melts away
when you're like, "The dude with those shoes."
Middle schoolers are the worst, 'cause they're just adult enough to be mean,
but just young enough to have the innocence of a child and the honesty, right?
So whatever they say to you gonna get in here.
[audience laughing]
Okay, just so you know about me,
I, no matter the situation,
no matter the occasion, I always wear pants.
I always wear pants 'cause I got skinny legs, okay?
I don't need people knowing that the knee is the thickest part.
That's not sexy.
-[audience laughing] -Okay?
My legs, ankle size all the way up.
That's not hot.
[audience laughing]
I look like a bird in my underwear.
Especially when I get itchy.
And so I always wear pants,
except for one day.
There was one day, I don't know what it was,
I was feeling myself.
I was happy.
I own a pair of shorts, so I threw them on.
I was like, "Let's make these bird legs
the world's problem, you know what I'm saying?
So I left the house happy, struttin'.
Until I passed a middle school.
And these little monsters clocked me from far away.
And you know somebody about to say something mean
when they smile first.
They saw me down the street and they were like... [scoffs]
[audience laughing]
And so I, not wanting to be victim to their taunts,
decided to run.
Which didn't help my case, cause running skinny legs
look like skinnier legs.
There's less leg to see now.
And it was two of them and...
one of them leaned over like he was gonna whisper
to his friend, but then he yelled out at me.
He was like, "Hey, slow down,
you want them match sticks to catch on fire?"
And then his friend, who was in a wheelchair, by the way,
his friend in the wheelchair was just like, "Damn.
I thought my legs were messed up."
[audience laughing]
They're terrible people and it shouldn't be illegal to hit them.
[audience laughing]
I'm not supposed to talk about this, but...
what else is this for, then, you know?
I have a, like, a stalker.
And it's actually been really scary.
It's, like, it's this person. I don't know what the issue is.
I don't-- I don't-- I'm not gonna--
I'm not a doctor.
I can't tell you what's going on,
but I will say that, like,
they have it in their head that they're me.
So then anytime I post or have a life event happen,
they get really upset and they just send me, like,
nonstop death threats, right?
And it's really scary stuff.
Like, "You're going to bleed. I know where you are.
I'm going to get to you. You're going to die."
All right? And...
I don't know--
It's a tough thing, because when you're in this situation,
especially when it's a person's delusion,
you're actually not supposed to talk about it in a big way,
because then any engagement with it
actually fuels the delusion.
So then it can just get worse.
But that's an incredibly isolating feeling,
and you're isolated while you're scared.
It's horrible.
And I remember we called the-- the--
cops about it and they were like, "Well, you know,
these death threats are coming all via fake accounts and everything,
and until they do something, there's nothing we can do.
So your life is just different now."
[audience laughing and sighing]
They did, they were like, "Well, look,
when you're walking at night,
you may want to have an earbud out.
Just be aware of your surroundings at all times.
If you feel threatened, I don't know, maybe put a key
in between your fingers or something when you're walking at night.
Like, just always be aware of where you are
and who's around you, exits,
just you have to start assessing situations."
And it's crazy, because now because of this,
I have to be as careful as, like...
any woman.
[audience laughing and applauding]
I'm not even like a famous guy. You know what I mean?
I'm not even a superstar and they--
but I got just famous enough,
that it's like I have big titties or something.
I gotta be very careful
when I move through these streets.
And I don't know, this is gonna sound conceited,
but I thought that if-- I never wanted anything like it--
but if something like this was to happen,
I thought I'd be further along in my career.
You know what I mean?
'Cause then they asked me, straight up, they were like,
"Do you have money for, like, a personal security detail?"
And I was like, "No!"
And I remember, when I said "no," the guy was like,
[sucks teeth] Ooh.
"Oh, they probably gonna get you, then.
I'm sorry." [chuckles]
It really changed my relationship with people.
THERAPIST: You know, it's interesting
that you have that experience,
because I don't think enough men really understand
what women go through on a day--
I think I should buy a gun.
I don't have a gun.
Like, I don't like guns, I don't really--
it's not even a political thing,
I'm not like, "Have you seen the stats?"
I just, as Josh, don't like guns, right?
And I don't like guns because I grew up in Louisiana.
And when I was in the sixth grade,
they wanted to teach us about the history of combat.
And so they took the whole sixth grade class
on a field trip to a shooting range.
Which I know sounds crazy to say, but you have to understand,
in Louisiana, shooting is required reading. All right?
We were gonna learn sooner or later.
And every kid got to shoot one arrow with a bow and arrow
and they got to shoot one round from a rifle, right?
And the rifle is screwed into the wall and locked in, okay?
It's not, like, a school shooter's dream, all right? [chuckles]
It's not like the kid was gonna grab the rifle like, "Finally."
-[audience laughing] -All right?
If he could have ripped it out of the wall,
he could have killed us with his bare hands.
And I remember I shot the arrow and it sailed through the air,
but I couldn't Robin Hood it, you know,
I even hit the sack, but then it flopped and it fell
and I was a little embarrassed.
So I wanted to do a really good job with the rifle and so...
it was my turn, and the rifle was racked up low,
so I had to get down on one knee,
and I did everything that I was supposed to do.
I put the stock at my shoulder,
I looked through the sight at the target.
I pulled the trigger, I felt the recoil,
it knocked me back and everything,
and my first time shooting a gun...
was also my first boner.
And I was like, "That's not good, not good at all.
I don't like this in the least. This supposed to be for titties,
I don't know what happened just now. This is horrible."
'Cause the worst part about getting your first boner from shooting a gun
isn't finding out you're a psycho, right?
It's that now I gotta stand up and turn around
in front of my whole sixth grade class, rock hard, okay?
And every dude knows you're never harder
than you are in middle school.
That's the hardest you're going to be
in your entire life, "You slamming your dick
in doors and not feeling it," hard.
People wonder why middle school boys are so weird,
it's 'cause there's no blood going to the brain for, like, three more years.
I was so hard when I looked down
I was like, "I am a Republican.
There is no way that I am not."
You're so hard when you're a middle school--
I mean, I shouldn't even say this,
but I'm about to leave, so whatever.
You're so hard when you're in middle school,
I actually understand why some of those female teachers be fucking their students.
'Cause it's, like, she's never gonna get
that level of dick again in life.
It won't happen.
[audience laughing]
That's our time. Thank you so much. Thanks for listening.
[audience cheering and applauding]
This is the most important thing in the world to me,
because it's one of the last places
that you can be completely honest and get away with it.
Like, the deeper that I dig into this,
the more I realize that it actually saved my life.
Like, if I didn't have this...
I probably would have killed myself a long time ago.
It's a hard thing to admit, because people look at you different...
after you say that.
It's why you, just by being here...
just by listening...
saved my life.
And I think I'd be remiss if I didn't at least take a second
to say, thank you.
[footsteps departing]
[traffic din]
[birds chirping]
[indistinct chatter]
[people cheering and applauding]
[smooth jazz playing]
***
[music fades]