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Downloaded from
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YTS.MX

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<i>Ladies and gentlemen,</i>

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<i>please welcome to the stage</i>

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<i>the amazing Kevin Bridges!</i>

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Thank you.

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Thank you!

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Thank you.
Wow. Good evening!

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Good evening.
Good evening, Cork!

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Thank you.

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Thank you, people of Cork.
Thank you. Yes!

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This is... This is an honor.

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Thank you, good people,
first of all,

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for coming out
to this very special recording

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here in the stunning
Cork Opera House. What a venue.

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Nice and intimate,
we can see

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right into
each other's eyes here.

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It is... I was unsure

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whether I was going
to record this tour,

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and then there was
a bit of debate,

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and then I was in the cinema,
watching <i>Oppenheimer.</i>

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Cillian Murphy.

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And I thought, "Where do they
make such handsome bastards?"

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Where on this earth?
Get these people...

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Get these people on camera!

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And then, look at
this front row here, so...

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The guy's
even wore... Is that a hoodie?

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Good man. That's it, front row,

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in the opera house,
on the telly.

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"Where's my PE kit?"
Good man. That's decent people.

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Real people!

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Shorts as well. Just a last...

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a final run out for the spring/
summer collection, this guy.

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It's exciting. Well done.

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Well done for coming out
for a laugh.

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It's important, innit,
in this...?

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A hundred percent, mate.

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Wow, what the fuck
happened there? Somebody...

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"A hundred percent, mate,"
somebody replied.

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You don't need to reply
to everything I'm saying.

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It's no' fucking <i>Gogglebox,</i>
mate. I'm right here.

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I'm going to
hear you. You know what I mean?

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It's not actually the telly.

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We're just... making the telly.
You're here at the...

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- Anyway what's your name, mate?
Mick.

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- Mick. Where are you from, Mick?
Dublin.

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Dublin. You're fucking answering

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before I've even finished
the question.

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Coming down here trying to get

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his wee fucking voice
on my special!

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- Anyway...

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Exactly.

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Fucking langer.

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- Yeah!

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Mick never thought I had that
in the fucking chamber, eh?

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As I was saying, Mick,

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it's good to see people
coming for a laugh. It is.

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It's a tense world, innit?
It's edgy. It's volatile.

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We've lived through
a lot of shit.

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We don't know
what's coming next.

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It is important to take a bit
of time to have a chuckle.

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We've got a war going on

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that has dominated the news
this year,

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which is... it's quite hard
to find humor in that,

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but there's always an angle,
no matter how bleak.

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For example,
I thought it was quite amusing

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when the rest
of the NATO countries

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were trying to convince Germany

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to send some tanks in to assist
in the fight against Russia

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and Germany were unsure
as to how that would look

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because it would be
the first time

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that German tanks
would be mobilized in Europe

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since the Second World War.

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I thought that was quite funny.

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To me, that was like watching
an ex-alcoholic,

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and his pals are trying
to convince him he can have one.

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Saying, "Come on, Germany, man,
nothing mental. Just...

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Just a few tanks. I don't mean
a fucking mad one."

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And Germany's going, "I don't
know. I've still got the fear!

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I still look back and cringe
at who I used to be, boys.

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I don't know if that's me
anymore."

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I was watching, waiting for it.
Soon as one German tank's fired,

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Germany's fucking,
"Right, where were we?"

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It is, it's exciting.

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This is my first special.

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That's what you need
to call it these days.

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A DVD is really...

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But a special, that's what
the Americans call it.

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It's not quite as convincing
for a Cork audience, a special.

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"Oh, what makes it
so fucking special?"

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It is... That's the jargon
these days.

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However...
However, the war is... I know.

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Ireland, you've been
helping Ukraine. I've seen that.

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See, every other country is
sending them weapons.

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Just rooting for them,
"Come on, wee man. Come on.

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Here, use that.
Use that, wee man.

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I'm no' fucking hitting him.
Fuck that!"

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But, Ireland, you're different.

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You're sending nonlethal aid,
so well done.

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Just sending them boxes
of Tayto.

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"Try the new Buffalo Hunky Dorys
if you get a chance, lads."

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It is. This is my first show,
first one in a while,

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now that the world
is back to normal.

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It's good to see Russell Brand
back on the telly.

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By the time...

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By the time this is released,
that could be a legal issue.

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But it did take me back.

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Sex addiction.
Remember that shit?

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We used to celebrate creeps
at the turn of the century.

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I don't just mean
just celebrities.

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They used to be
fucking everywhere.

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People coming on daytime telly,

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opening up
about their sex addiction.

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These guys, smarmy,
"I must have bedded...

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I must have bedded
over a thousand women, yeah."

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And you'd have Eamonn Holmes
sitting with a semi.

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"And do you ever have
more than one woman

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in the bed at the same time?

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Ruth, would you let the man
answer the question?"

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"Sorry, mate,
you were saying there?"

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A lot has changed in my life.

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I don't know how
much you followed me

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over the years here in Cork,
but a lot has changed for me.

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I've done stand-up for
almost 20 years, which is scary.

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- It is.

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I'm the old... I'm the old pro.

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I've become a husband.
Now, this is...

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I used to go on these stages

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talking about empties
and house parties,

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and now I'm a husband.
I got married.

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That's a big step
in anybody's life, innit?

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Romantic. I proposed.

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Big Kev proposed on a safari.
There we go.

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Big Kev proposed in Africa.

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Got myself a good deal
on a diamond.

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Done a bit of haggling
with the local rebel militia.

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I became a husband

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and then I became a father
as well for the first time.

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- Thank you.

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I never thought I would see the day

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I'd be a husband
and a father and I'm 36.

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And... you start going, "Am I
fucking... Am I old? Am I?"

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I'm still relatively young, innit?

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But I'm at an age
where I now appreciate

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reminders
of my relative youth.

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Like, cos I've dabbled, right?
I've dabbled in being old

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and it did not suit me
and it was refreshing.

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I said something old
a few months ago.

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I was putting something
in my kitchen bin,

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and I was looking out my window

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and there were children
in the street

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just playing a game,
an old-school game.

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They never had their tablets
or devices,

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and I thought it was quite nice.

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And as I was putting my trash
in the can, I said to my wife,

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"Isn't it great
to see children out playing?"

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And as soon
as that sentence left my mouth,

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the young me
was still in there, saying,

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"Wow, Kev,
what a nonce comment."

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"Far too young, Kev,
far too young.

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Decades away from being
able to stand at the window

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making such a statement.

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Don't fucking wave at 'em, Kev.
One of them's seen you.

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You'll get the front door
kicked in, Kev. Thirty-six, man!

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You ever seen a 36-year-old
lollipop man, Kevin? No.

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Cos it would be arrestable
to apply for such a vacancy."

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I'm still new to the game,
the fatherhood game.

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You need to decide what kind
of dad you're gonna be.

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If you're gonna take the Dwight
York hands-off approach or...

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If you're...
gonna get in there...

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If you're gonna get in there.

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See, my...
See, my son was born...

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00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:03,298
My son was born in 2021.

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What a time to enter the world.

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What a decade
it has been so far,

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and I hope there'll be a time
we can look back

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and laugh at the fucking
surreal madness

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that we have lived through.

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I was born in the '80s
and we love the '80s, right?

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We still celebrate the '80s

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and I sometimes ponder
if there'll be a day

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when my son has grown up
and I'll walk into his bedroom

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and I'll see him standing there
in the mirror

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with 24 toilet rolls
under his armpit,

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00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:36,984
a face mask under his chin,

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00:10:36,984 --> 00:10:42,337
deep throating a cotton bud,
going...

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And I'll be saying,
"Where are you going?"

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And he'll be saying,

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"It's a '20s night, Dad,
at the student union."

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And this madness will come back.
I'll be saying, "Who's going?"

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00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,098
"Oh, just me and no more
than five other people

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00:11:04,098 --> 00:11:06,187
from three different
households."

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00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:10,713
Remember all that shit
we lived through,

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00:11:10,713 --> 00:11:13,585
where only three households
could socialize?

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00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:16,719
Having to be ruthless,
planning any social event,

196
00:11:16,719 --> 00:11:20,070
having to break it to your mate
who lived on his own

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00:11:20,070 --> 00:11:22,551
that he cannae come
to your barbecue

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00:11:22,551 --> 00:11:24,771
because he's a waste
of a house.

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00:11:30,515 --> 00:11:32,039
"I'll just tell him,

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00:11:32,039 --> 00:11:34,258
'Sorry, Gary,
you're no' coming, mate.

201
00:11:34,258 --> 00:11:36,217
I can get four in there.

202
00:11:37,392 --> 00:11:38,741
Mate, it's my birthday.

203
00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:41,526
I'm no' playing a four-four-one
on my birthday.'"

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00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:45,879
We did live through it.

205
00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:47,837
We've got inquiries
going on everywhere.

206
00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:49,970
Every country's having
an inquiry

207
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:53,321
into how Covid was handled,
inquiries worldwide.

208
00:11:53,321 --> 00:11:54,888
I don't know if you followed,

209
00:11:54,888 --> 00:11:58,761
over the UK, we had two years
under Covid restrictions,

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00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:02,156
whilst the House of Commons
was like fucking Magaluf.

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00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:05,072
I think that's what happened.

212
00:12:05,072 --> 00:12:06,377
Boris Johnson and them,

213
00:12:06,377 --> 00:12:08,902
they were partying
the whole way through it.

214
00:12:08,902 --> 00:12:13,036
The proper lockdowns as well,
April and May 2020,

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00:12:13,036 --> 00:12:17,345
right in the midst of the family
quiz, sitting, your head shaved,

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00:12:17,345 --> 00:12:20,435
the whole family, like marines.

217
00:12:23,264 --> 00:12:27,398
Saturday night, iPhones propped
up against Yankee candles.

218
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:32,229
"How many hearts
does an octopus have?"

219
00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:37,974
The whole time, Boris Johnson
was on the decks,

220
00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,237
fucking, "Order, order!"

221
00:12:42,152 --> 00:12:45,852
Whilst we were in supermarkets
forgetting tomato purée,

222
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:48,898
petrified to perform
a three-point turn

223
00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:50,334
up a one-way aisle.

224
00:12:52,510 --> 00:12:53,903
People glaring at you,

225
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:57,211
"My dad's got asthma,
you maniac! That way!"

226
00:13:04,305 --> 00:13:07,612
I think Covid... I think it's
gone. I'm pretty sure it's over.

227
00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:09,266
I don't know if it is.

228
00:13:09,266 --> 00:13:11,791
I think there's still lockdowns
in China,

229
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,227
but it's fucked off home.

230
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:18,580
After... After a successful
world tour, it's back.

231
00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:24,760
- It's gone.

232
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,502
And I don't know.

233
00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:31,114
It killed six million people.
Wow!

234
00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:32,899
I know. It's big numbers,

235
00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:35,684
but I don't know
if that's hall of fame

236
00:13:35,684 --> 00:13:38,469
when you look at the rest
of the big pandemics

237
00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:40,123
throughout human history.

238
00:13:40,123 --> 00:13:42,517
You know what I mean?
The real big hitters.

239
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:45,825
The Spanish flu,
that killed 50 million.

240
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:50,090
The black death killed
200 million and Covid, six.

241
00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:54,616
Covid was even claiming assists
towards the end.

242
00:13:56,792 --> 00:14:00,187
Covid... Anything!

243
00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:03,059
"My 95-year-old grandfather
died from Covid!"

244
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:05,105
"Come on. That's a tap-in, man."

245
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:13,678
A bit of black ice
was getting him.

246
00:14:13,678 --> 00:14:15,637
We can't have Covid running away

247
00:14:15,637 --> 00:14:18,335
like Alan Shearer
celebrating that.

248
00:14:21,556 --> 00:14:24,211
But it got the whole world
closed. That was impressive.

249
00:14:24,211 --> 00:14:28,302
We'll never see that again.
Even McDonald's closed. Wow!

250
00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:32,697
Even churches, even places
of worship forced to close.

251
00:14:32,697 --> 00:14:35,787
That was massive.
What a time in human history.

252
00:14:35,787 --> 00:14:37,398
We witnessed a time where

253
00:14:37,398 --> 00:14:40,401
organized religion
listened to science.

254
00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:43,839
Wow! That's a big one.

255
00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:46,189
For years,
they've dismissed everything

256
00:14:46,189 --> 00:14:47,669
the scientists had to say.

257
00:14:47,669 --> 00:14:49,671
"The Big Bang? Nah.

258
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,848
Evolution? Nah.

259
00:14:52,848 --> 00:14:55,111
A dry continuous cough
and changes

260
00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:57,635
to your sense of taste
and smell?

261
00:15:00,551 --> 00:15:03,076
Fucking shut the cathedral!

262
00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:08,081
These geeks have got
a point this time!

263
00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:10,344
Somebody sanitize
the synagogue!"

264
00:15:11,562 --> 00:15:13,434
Two Christmases got canceled.

265
00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:16,002
I don't think religion
can ever recover.

266
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:18,961
Jesus's birthday,
canceled, twice.

267
00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:23,835
A big birthday as well,
a 2021st, innit?

268
00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:26,664
- Just fucking gone.

269
00:15:26,664 --> 00:15:28,318
Gone.

270
00:15:32,757 --> 00:15:35,804
That's what my son
was born into. Anyway, it is.

271
00:15:35,804 --> 00:15:39,764
Fatherhood, it's new. Thanks to
you people. I don't know, again.

272
00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:41,418
A bit of my backstory

273
00:15:41,418 --> 00:15:45,770
for those of you unfamiliar
with my previous work.

274
00:15:45,770 --> 00:15:47,424
But I grew up...

275
00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:51,080
I grew up in an area that you
could describe as humble, right?

276
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:54,823
And then for the past...
for the past maybe decade,

277
00:15:54,823 --> 00:15:58,174
I've lived in a nicer part
of the city of Glasgow.

278
00:15:58,174 --> 00:16:01,264
I've lived amongst
the upper middle classes,

279
00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:02,570
the upper echelons,

280
00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:04,964
and I've never quite fitted in
there, right?

281
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,270
But... But now
my son has been born,

282
00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:10,143
it has granted me
my citizenship, right?

283
00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:12,928
I'm having to accept
that my son's gonna have

284
00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:16,366
a totally different upbringing
from me. Even their names...

285
00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:18,716
Kids have got names
like Phineas.

286
00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:20,892
Your parenting is being judged.

287
00:16:20,892 --> 00:16:22,459
I'm having lunch in a café.

288
00:16:22,459 --> 00:16:24,809
I hear, "Phineas, Phineas,
if you don't finish your tofu,

289
00:16:24,809 --> 00:16:28,074
there'll be no almonds."
I'm sitting...

290
00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:30,032
Phineas is beating his dad
at chess

291
00:16:30,032 --> 00:16:31,860
and I'm on the table
beside 'em,

292
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:35,777
hungover, close to tears, wiping
bolognese off a smashed iPad.

293
00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:39,955
See, my wife
took my son into a class.

294
00:16:39,955 --> 00:16:43,611
I don't know if any parents
in here have ever heard of this,

295
00:16:43,611 --> 00:16:45,743
a class called baby yoga.

296
00:16:45,743 --> 00:16:48,094
I said to my wife,
"This is insanity.

297
00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:51,358
This is a middle-class
radicalization of our son."

298
00:16:51,358 --> 00:16:54,796
Baby yoga, right?
She signed up for a block.

299
00:16:54,796 --> 00:16:57,277
I never knew
babies needed yoga for a start.

300
00:16:57,277 --> 00:16:59,931
I never knew babies
were suffering

301
00:16:59,931 --> 00:17:02,804
from tight hamstrings.

302
00:17:02,804 --> 00:17:07,461
Babies were terrified
to go on the see-saw.

303
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,378
"Can't do that."

304
00:17:11,378 --> 00:17:14,033
-"I cannae.

305
00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:17,862
I cannae afford
any more sickies, mate.

306
00:17:17,862 --> 00:17:19,908
I'm at nursery
four days a week now.

307
00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:22,171
I cannae fall further behind.

308
00:17:22,171 --> 00:17:23,520
There's boys in that class

309
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,957
can hang their jacket
on their own peg now.

310
00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:28,395
I cannae afford to risk it."

311
00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:31,093
And I was laughing at baby yoga,
and my wife said,

312
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:35,141
"No, it's just a nice way for me
to meet other new mothers."

313
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:39,101
Which means I'm going to have
to meet other new fathers.

314
00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:41,364
I'm getting dragged
on these double dates.

315
00:17:41,364 --> 00:17:44,106
My wife's going,
"Fiona from baby yoga

316
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,195
has invited us over for dinner.

317
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:48,676
Her husband Gavin
sounds like a nice guy.

318
00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:51,592
I think you'll really get on
with Gavin."

319
00:17:51,592 --> 00:17:53,681
I probably will, but I'm 36 now.

320
00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:56,466
I'm not really taking on
mates anymore.

321
00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:01,515
The transfer window closes at 30

322
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:06,911
for any realistic chance
of a meaningful friendship.

323
00:18:06,911 --> 00:18:09,436
My wife says, "It'll be nice.
We'll go for dinner."

324
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:10,567
I'm in the living room.

325
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:12,830
I'm having to socialize
with the people

326
00:18:12,830 --> 00:18:14,745
who I have mocked
over the years

327
00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:18,575
for your entertainment.
I'm sitting...

328
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:21,665
"So, Kevin, do you watch
Formula One, Kev?

329
00:18:21,665 --> 00:18:22,971
You an F1 fan, Kev?

330
00:18:22,971 --> 00:18:25,713
Big, er, big Grand Prix
on Sunday, Kev."

331
00:18:25,713 --> 00:18:28,933
"Fuck me, man.
You have any absinthe, Gav?"

332
00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:30,979
See...

333
00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:35,462
See, people are people,
I believe, right?

334
00:18:35,462 --> 00:18:38,160
I don't judge anybody
for their class.

335
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,510
I don't mean
to be a reverse snob.

336
00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:42,208
This is a new expression
I learned

337
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:44,340
when you mock
the upper middle classes.

338
00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:47,038
They're just different people
from what I'm used to.

339
00:18:47,038 --> 00:18:50,477
I was walking my dog and this
is when I like to eavesdrop.

340
00:18:50,477 --> 00:18:52,827
I was walking my dog
through my neighborhood

341
00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:55,569
and I heard a kid,
a schoolkid, boasting,

342
00:18:55,569 --> 00:19:00,356
boasting about being
the best swimmer in his school.

343
00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:04,186
He was boasting to his mates
about being the best swimmer,

344
00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:07,450
as though that carried
some form of playground clout,

345
00:19:07,450 --> 00:19:10,714
to be regarded as the best
swimmer at school. He's going,

346
00:19:10,714 --> 00:19:12,542
"Everyone knows it's me
for a fact.

347
00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:15,197
Ask anybody in the school
who the best swimmer is.

348
00:19:15,197 --> 00:19:16,416
I guarantee they'll say me.

349
00:19:16,416 --> 00:19:17,721
I'm the best swimmer.
It's just a fact.

350
00:19:17,721 --> 00:19:18,940
Everyone knows that.

351
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:21,116
Everyone knows it's me.
It's just a fact."

352
00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:24,989
And I was walking away, contemplating,

353
00:19:24,989 --> 00:19:27,949
did I know the best swimmer
at my school?

354
00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:31,561
And I came to the conclusion, no,

355
00:19:31,561 --> 00:19:34,042
because it was irrelevant, right?

356
00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:37,741
It was never a means with which
to forge yourself a reputation.

357
00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:40,179
That was done through
being good at football,

358
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,397
being good at fighting,

359
00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:43,312
or being fucking mental, right?

360
00:19:43,312 --> 00:19:47,708
Those were the three
accepted forms of currency:

361
00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:49,623
football, fighting,

362
00:19:49,623 --> 00:19:51,755
or bouncing a Bunsen burner

363
00:19:51,755 --> 00:19:54,802
off a supply teacher's
Ford Fiesta.

364
00:19:59,241 --> 00:20:02,331
That's how you earned respect
in a working-class school.

365
00:20:02,331 --> 00:20:07,510
Never did I witness
anybody strip to their Speedos,

366
00:20:07,510 --> 00:20:08,990
shouting, "Fucking come on!

367
00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:11,340
I'll take you a length, then.
Come on!

368
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:17,955
Name your stroke, mate!
Name your stroke!

369
00:20:21,872 --> 00:20:23,396
I'll get my dad down here

370
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:26,616
to butterfly every
fucking one of youse!"

371
00:20:31,186 --> 00:20:33,754
And it made me look back
on my own upbringing.

372
00:20:33,754 --> 00:20:35,190
That's what parenthood does.

373
00:20:35,190 --> 00:20:37,018
It makes you realize
more than ever

374
00:20:37,018 --> 00:20:40,282
how much your childhood
shapes the person you become.

375
00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:42,415
And I looked back
on my own school life.

376
00:20:42,415 --> 00:20:43,981
I was shite at football.

377
00:20:43,981 --> 00:20:47,202
I was not particularly mental.
I never knew how to fight.

378
00:20:47,202 --> 00:20:49,335
I certainly never knew
how to fight.

379
00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:52,903
I was in a couple of fights at
school. I lost them all heavily.

380
00:20:52,903 --> 00:20:55,689
But I was at a school...
I was at school at a time

381
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:59,301
where a bit... a bit
of bullying, in moderation,

382
00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:02,957
could be beneficial
for your character development.

383
00:21:02,957 --> 00:21:05,525
Right? Once you've been beat up
a couple of times,

384
00:21:05,525 --> 00:21:07,004
there's life lessons there.

385
00:21:07,004 --> 00:21:08,963
"There you go, Kev.
You don't know how to fight.

386
00:21:08,963 --> 00:21:10,356
Stay out of fights."

387
00:21:10,356 --> 00:21:14,142
And I have carried
that aversion to confrontation

388
00:21:14,142 --> 00:21:15,970
well into my adult life.

389
00:21:15,970 --> 00:21:18,320
And I've realized
that can leave you vulnerable.

390
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,279
Especially
when you become a parent,

391
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:23,412
you need to learn to stand up
for yourself within reason.

392
00:21:23,412 --> 00:21:26,981
Like, especially amongst
the upper middle classes

393
00:21:26,981 --> 00:21:30,245
cos they can be
very confrontational people,

394
00:21:30,245 --> 00:21:33,770
because they don't
necessarily associate

395
00:21:33,770 --> 00:21:36,207
confrontation with violence.

396
00:21:36,207 --> 00:21:41,212
Now, I'll give you an example, right?

397
00:21:41,212 --> 00:21:43,606
I... I live in an apartment, right?

398
00:21:43,606 --> 00:21:46,305
And I've got
one upstairs neighbor,

399
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:47,697
and I used to have a bike

400
00:21:47,697 --> 00:21:50,831
and I kept the bike
at the door of my apartment

401
00:21:50,831 --> 00:21:54,095
rather than bringing it inside,
just out of convenience.

402
00:21:54,095 --> 00:21:57,794
And I never knew this was
irritating the upstairs dude,

403
00:21:57,794 --> 00:22:00,493
until one evening,
he came to my door

404
00:22:00,493 --> 00:22:04,192
to ask me to bring my bike
inside my apartment

405
00:22:04,192 --> 00:22:05,846
because in his words,

406
00:22:05,846 --> 00:22:11,460
"It was ruining the esthetic
of the communal hallway."

407
00:22:11,460 --> 00:22:12,809
Now, that is a guy

408
00:22:12,809 --> 00:22:15,377
who has never been punched
in the fucking face.

409
00:22:16,509 --> 00:22:19,033
- That's a guy...

410
00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:23,254
That is a guy who has never been
dragged from a moving dodgem

411
00:22:23,254 --> 00:22:26,867
and leathered at the Christmas
and New Year carnival.

412
00:22:26,867 --> 00:22:28,782
He does not come from a world

413
00:22:28,782 --> 00:22:31,959
where he sees how that
could easily turn ugly,

414
00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:34,483
to go to somebody's door
to ask them

415
00:22:34,483 --> 00:22:37,051
to move their bike
from their door.

416
00:22:37,051 --> 00:22:40,097
If I was to go to somebody's
door with such a request,

417
00:22:40,097 --> 00:22:44,014
I would be fully prepared
for physical combat. I would...

418
00:22:44,014 --> 00:22:46,974
I would assemble
a bit of backup beforehand,

419
00:22:46,974 --> 00:22:49,672
draft in a few cousins.

420
00:22:49,672 --> 00:22:52,109
"Aye, it's his door, mate.
Aye, his bike.

421
00:22:52,109 --> 00:22:54,198
Cos it's fucking
ruining the esthetic

422
00:22:54,198 --> 00:22:55,809
in the communal hallway."

423
00:22:59,203 --> 00:23:02,424
I could have stood up for myself
in that situation.

424
00:23:02,424 --> 00:23:04,774
I could've said, "Mate,
it's my bike. It's my door."

425
00:23:04,774 --> 00:23:06,994
I could've fought
prick with prick,

426
00:23:06,994 --> 00:23:11,215
but because of my childhood,
I apologized to the guy.

427
00:23:11,215 --> 00:23:13,783
I said sorry
and I brought the bike inside

428
00:23:13,783 --> 00:23:15,481
and then
I closed the door.

429
00:23:15,481 --> 00:23:19,398
And that man shuffled off
back up the stairs, having won.

430
00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:20,790
And I closed the door,

431
00:23:20,790 --> 00:23:22,444
and it's just me and my bike
and the door's shut.

432
00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:26,013
That's when it becomes an issue,
cos the voices in there...

433
00:23:26,013 --> 00:23:29,146
the voices in there
become like a pop-up virus,

434
00:23:29,146 --> 00:23:32,193
"Fucking pathetic, Kev,
absolutely embarrassing.

435
00:23:32,193 --> 00:23:34,935
That was tough to watch, Kev.
Fucking..."

436
00:23:36,458 --> 00:23:39,505
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me
just bring the bike inside.

437
00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:41,071
Sorry for your inconvenience.

438
00:23:41,071 --> 00:23:43,857
Kev, get a new bike if that's
the way you're gonna be.

439
00:23:43,857 --> 00:23:46,076
Get a wee basket on the front, Kev.

440
00:23:46,076 --> 00:23:48,514
That's the kind
of bike you should get.

441
00:23:48,514 --> 00:23:50,994
Get some ribbons
on the handlebars, Kev.

442
00:23:50,994 --> 00:23:54,171
Get a wee bell. Ding-ding!
Here comes Big Kev."

443
00:23:55,695 --> 00:23:57,044
"Oh, I'm so sorry!

444
00:23:57,044 --> 00:23:58,524
Kev, get a wee bichon frisé

445
00:23:58,524 --> 00:24:01,265
and stick it in the basket
when you go for a cycle."

446
00:24:01,265 --> 00:24:06,140
And that
is the psychology of men,

447
00:24:06,140 --> 00:24:07,794
cos those minor defeats,

448
00:24:07,794 --> 00:24:10,666
they stay on a file
somewhere in there.

449
00:24:10,666 --> 00:24:13,103
You believe
you have deleted those cookies,

450
00:24:13,103 --> 00:24:14,714
but they stay in there.

451
00:24:14,714 --> 00:24:18,761
That is why men lose the fucking
plot with wireless printers

452
00:24:18,761 --> 00:24:22,504
and... and broadband routers.

453
00:24:22,504 --> 00:24:25,376
Because the minute they feel
uptight and frustrated,

454
00:24:25,376 --> 00:24:28,423
every minor defeat
they have ever accepted

455
00:24:28,423 --> 00:24:32,035
replays like a montage,
a compilation in there.

456
00:24:32,035 --> 00:24:34,516
You'll be trying to pair
a Bluetooth speaker

457
00:24:34,516 --> 00:24:37,867
in front of your whole family
on Christmas Day.

458
00:24:40,217 --> 00:24:43,525
"Device not recognized."
You're clicking and clicking.

459
00:24:43,525 --> 00:24:46,397
Everybody sees you're starting
to get freaked out

460
00:24:46,397 --> 00:24:48,138
and they start trying to help,

461
00:24:48,138 --> 00:24:50,967
"Kevin, have you tried moving it
further away?

462
00:24:50,967 --> 00:24:53,709
Sometimes the Bluetooth
can actually be too close.

463
00:24:53,709 --> 00:24:55,189
I read that somewhere.

464
00:24:55,189 --> 00:24:58,322
Kevin, is it updated?
Does it need an update perhaps?

465
00:24:58,322 --> 00:25:01,238
Kevin, have you tried turning it
off and back on again?"

466
00:25:01,238 --> 00:25:04,198
"You've fucking literally
just seen me trying that!"

467
00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:10,160
"Oh, my God, Kevin.
We don't need music that badly."

468
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:14,425
"It's not about the music!
It's about that prick in 2019

469
00:25:14,425 --> 00:25:17,777
that made me move my bike
from my fucking door!

470
00:25:17,777 --> 00:25:20,344
I'm a coward! I'm a coward."

471
00:25:25,828 --> 00:25:27,438
I'm trying to look after myself.

472
00:25:27,438 --> 00:25:29,484
I've lost a bit of weight
as well. Er...

473
00:25:29,484 --> 00:25:32,095
- I've tried... Thank you.

474
00:25:32,095 --> 00:25:34,489
- I lost weight before.

475
00:25:34,489 --> 00:25:35,925
What was that?

476
00:25:35,925 --> 00:25:37,448
Up the Celtic!

477
00:25:37,448 --> 00:25:38,841
What did you shout?

478
00:25:38,841 --> 00:25:40,843
The Celtic!
- Have I got a fucking lazy eye?

479
00:25:40,843 --> 00:25:44,630
It was clearly somebody there
and it's just moved.

480
00:25:44,630 --> 00:25:47,371
You shouted, "Up the Celtic."
Right.

481
00:25:47,371 --> 00:25:49,417
That's good, but was that...

482
00:25:49,417 --> 00:25:52,289
Why did you just
shout that randomly...

483
00:25:52,289 --> 00:25:54,422
in connection to weight loss?

484
00:25:54,422 --> 00:25:58,078
- What's your name, sir?

485
00:25:58,078 --> 00:25:59,470
- Cillian.
- Cillian.

486
00:25:59,470 --> 00:26:03,474
Cillian? Is that the name
here in Cork? Cillian.

487
00:26:03,474 --> 00:26:06,477
- Where are you from, Cillian?
I'm from the north.

488
00:26:06,477 --> 00:26:10,612
You're from the north,
as in the north of Ireland

489
00:26:10,612 --> 00:26:12,396
or the north of Cork?

490
00:26:13,789 --> 00:26:15,574
I just need to know how...

491
00:26:15,574 --> 00:26:19,665
how much we've zoomed in
on the Google map here.

492
00:26:19,665 --> 00:26:22,711
The north of this city
or this country?

493
00:26:22,711 --> 00:26:23,973
The country.

494
00:26:23,973 --> 00:26:27,237
The country.
All right, fucking relax, mate.

495
00:26:27,237 --> 00:26:29,413
Wow, that's an accent, innit?

496
00:26:29,413 --> 00:26:31,241
"The fucking country."

497
00:26:32,808 --> 00:26:36,769
"There's a
fucking bomb in the biscuit tin.

498
00:26:36,769 --> 00:26:40,076
Everybody, get out.
Everybody, get fucking out."

499
00:26:41,338 --> 00:26:43,558
I was up there.

500
00:26:43,558 --> 00:26:46,866
I love it, going up there,
up the fucking north.

501
00:26:46,866 --> 00:26:49,564
I wanted to open
a Chinese takeaway

502
00:26:49,564 --> 00:26:51,827
on the Shankill Road, Cillian.

503
00:26:51,827 --> 00:26:56,919
I was... I was gonna call it
The Orange Wok, right?

504
00:26:56,919 --> 00:26:58,529
I thought it'd be funny.

505
00:26:58,529 --> 00:27:01,663
I thought it'd be
a good business venture.

506
00:27:05,145 --> 00:27:09,062
The family...
The family meal deal, 1690.

507
00:27:09,062 --> 00:27:12,674
- That's the price...

508
00:27:12,674 --> 00:27:14,284
Everybody phoning up,

509
00:27:14,284 --> 00:27:17,287
"Can I have the
fuck Sinn Fein chow mein?"

510
00:27:17,287 --> 00:27:19,638
-"Oh, not a problem."

511
00:27:22,379 --> 00:27:25,556
There we go. That was for you,
Cillian. Can I carry on here?

512
00:27:25,556 --> 00:27:29,386
- Right, thank you. Good man.

513
00:27:32,302 --> 00:27:36,002
Started talking about
my weight-loss journey.

514
00:27:36,002 --> 00:27:39,266
It was actually...
I used to be a big dude, right?

515
00:27:39,266 --> 00:27:44,575
Right, I lost weight
probably about eight years ago,

516
00:27:44,575 --> 00:27:50,146
er, and then the body positive
movement showed up.

517
00:27:50,146 --> 00:27:54,237
Just as I had lost weight,
it became acceptable

518
00:27:54,237 --> 00:27:58,154
and celebrated to be fat, right?

519
00:27:58,154 --> 00:28:01,767
I doubt you can even say that
word anymore, cos it's fat...

520
00:28:01,767 --> 00:28:03,899
Even fucking Ann Summers,
in the window,

521
00:28:03,899 --> 00:28:05,335
they've got lingerie models

522
00:28:05,335 --> 00:28:09,383
just standing in fucking
gravy-stained suspenders.

523
00:28:15,519 --> 00:28:17,260
See...

524
00:28:17,260 --> 00:28:20,437
But we never had that support
back when I was a big dude

525
00:28:20,437 --> 00:28:23,266
and it's a shame
for guys like myself

526
00:28:23,266 --> 00:28:26,269
that just lost weight
at the wrong time, right?

527
00:28:26,269 --> 00:28:29,751
Cos my weight-loss journey
probably started on the telly.

528
00:28:29,751 --> 00:28:33,189
I played in a charity
football game, <i>Soccer Aid,</i>

529
00:28:33,189 --> 00:28:36,497
the ITV show, and it was
the rest of the world

530
00:28:36,497 --> 00:28:38,325
against England, right?

531
00:28:38,325 --> 00:28:41,328
Ex-footballers and celebrities,
and I was quite excited.

532
00:28:41,328 --> 00:28:44,244
This is back when I was
a big fella. I was a portly lad.

533
00:28:44,244 --> 00:28:46,855
But I was invited to play
for the rest of the world.

534
00:28:46,855 --> 00:28:48,857
José Mourinho, he's the manager,

535
00:28:48,857 --> 00:28:51,599
and I was told
I was gonna get five minutes

536
00:28:51,599 --> 00:28:53,340
on the pitch, Old Trafford,

537
00:28:53,340 --> 00:28:55,821
in front of 70,000,
live on the telly,

538
00:28:55,821 --> 00:28:57,779
millions watching at home.

539
00:28:57,779 --> 00:29:01,087
I'm quite excited. The football
fans among you will know

540
00:29:01,087 --> 00:29:04,307
that five minutes on the pitch
probably implies

541
00:29:04,307 --> 00:29:06,962
you're gonna get brought
at minute 85.

542
00:29:06,962 --> 00:29:10,792
So I'm in the dugout, on
the subs bench, just chilling.

543
00:29:10,792 --> 00:29:12,228
The game's going on,

544
00:29:12,228 --> 00:29:15,710
then it gets to minute 60
on the clock, minute 60.

545
00:29:15,710 --> 00:29:19,888
José Mourinho turns and tells me
to go and start warming up.

546
00:29:19,888 --> 00:29:21,585
I'm thinking, "Fuck me.

547
00:29:21,585 --> 00:29:24,414
I'm getting half an hour
on this pitch."

548
00:29:25,851 --> 00:29:27,243
"That's it, Kev.

549
00:29:27,243 --> 00:29:29,593
The gaffer must have seen
something in training."

550
00:29:30,899 --> 00:29:33,467
Going down the stairs,
I break into this jog

551
00:29:33,467 --> 00:29:35,382
alongside
the advertising boards,

552
00:29:35,382 --> 00:29:38,515
"Whoa, Kev, keep a bit
in the tank, man, 30 minutes.

553
00:29:38,515 --> 00:29:40,039
You'll take a clutcher here."

554
00:29:40,039 --> 00:29:42,737
I'm just standing,
trying to remember

555
00:29:42,737 --> 00:29:45,174
some stretches
from PE at school,

556
00:29:45,174 --> 00:29:47,394
just settling for that bastard.

557
00:29:52,878 --> 00:29:54,444
Then I get shouted back up.

558
00:29:54,444 --> 00:29:57,621
Then I get brought on the pitch
and then five minutes later,

559
00:29:57,621 --> 00:30:00,407
I get brought
straight back off the pitch,

560
00:30:00,407 --> 00:30:04,280
subbed on, subbed off,
humiliated on national telly

561
00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:07,588
and then I stupidly checked
the Twitter comments

562
00:30:07,588 --> 00:30:10,460
and the vile trolls
had fat-shamed me.

563
00:30:10,460 --> 00:30:14,116
They had made a video
with the <i>Benny Hill</i> theme tune

564
00:30:14,116 --> 00:30:17,119
in fast-forward mode
of me jogging on,

565
00:30:17,119 --> 00:30:19,992
my tits bouncing
through my jersey,

566
00:30:19,992 --> 00:30:21,384
trying to control a pass

567
00:30:21,384 --> 00:30:23,865
and then jogging
straight back off again.

568
00:30:23,865 --> 00:30:27,390
I was fat-shamed and it
motivated me to get in shape.

569
00:30:27,390 --> 00:30:29,697
Then as soon
as I lose a bit of weight,

570
00:30:29,697 --> 00:30:32,047
you can no longer
fat-shame people,

571
00:30:32,047 --> 00:30:34,615
so that is a miscarriage
of justice

572
00:30:34,615 --> 00:30:39,141
for somebody who'd done 28 years
of their life as a fat bastard.

573
00:30:39,141 --> 00:30:41,927
The body positive movement
can fuck off.

574
00:30:41,927 --> 00:30:45,321
I done... I done 28 years
for a crime

575
00:30:45,321 --> 00:30:48,890
and upon my release, I find out
it's no longer a crime.

576
00:30:48,890 --> 00:30:50,979
That's what I went through.

577
00:30:50,979 --> 00:30:55,810
- I'm trying...

578
00:30:55,810 --> 00:30:58,508
I'm fucking...
I'm trying to stay...

579
00:30:58,508 --> 00:31:00,380
I'm trying
to stay relatively fit.

580
00:31:00,380 --> 00:31:01,772
Once you become a parent,

581
00:31:01,772 --> 00:31:02,904
you need to try and work

582
00:31:02,904 --> 00:31:04,253
on getting a few years
towards the end.

583
00:31:04,253 --> 00:31:05,472
That's all I can hope for.

584
00:31:05,472 --> 00:31:07,691
Just trying to keep
a couple of stone

585
00:31:07,691 --> 00:31:10,129
in a savings account
for later in life.

586
00:31:10,129 --> 00:31:12,392
- I tried at the gym.

587
00:31:12,392 --> 00:31:14,873
- What was that?

588
00:31:14,873 --> 00:31:16,962
Somebody's translating.
Thank you.

589
00:31:16,962 --> 00:31:18,877
We've got somebody here
to interpret

590
00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:21,140
for whatever the fuck
you just said there.

591
00:31:21,140 --> 00:31:22,228
What did he say?

592
00:31:22,228 --> 00:31:23,969
"Fair play to your eyesight."

593
00:31:23,969 --> 00:31:26,275
Fair play to my eyesight.

594
00:31:28,930 --> 00:31:31,324
I don't...
Do you understand that?

595
00:31:31,324 --> 00:31:34,631
No? OK.
Fair play to my eyesight?

596
00:31:34,631 --> 00:31:37,983
Even he's shrugging
his shoulders. Look.

597
00:31:37,983 --> 00:31:39,593
He literally just done that

598
00:31:39,593 --> 00:31:43,118
as if he's managed
to confuse himself there.

599
00:31:43,118 --> 00:31:46,165
Is there a bag of spice getting
passed about that balcony?

600
00:31:46,165 --> 00:31:48,732
- The fuck?

601
00:31:50,691 --> 00:31:53,955
"Fair play to your eyesight!
What do you mean?"

602
00:31:59,091 --> 00:32:01,745
Wow, this is why
we record the special here,

603
00:32:01,745 --> 00:32:06,576
because it's a bit mental.
Good people.

604
00:32:06,576 --> 00:32:08,578
I was gonna ask you
your name, mate.

605
00:32:08,578 --> 00:32:10,929
But that is maybe
a bit too advanced.

606
00:32:14,671 --> 00:32:16,804
It's good.

607
00:32:16,804 --> 00:32:20,634
Anyway, what was I talking...?
The gym! The gym! That's it.

608
00:32:20,634 --> 00:32:23,724
How old are you, mate? The guy
in the white jumper there.

609
00:32:23,724 --> 00:32:25,682
Nineteen.
- Nineteen, the youth.

610
00:32:25,682 --> 00:32:26,727
What's your name?

611
00:32:26,727 --> 00:32:27,902
Odhran.
- Owen?

612
00:32:27,902 --> 00:32:30,557
- Odhran.
- Oran, Oran. O-R-A-N?

613
00:32:30,557 --> 00:32:32,167
O-D-H-R-A-N.

614
00:32:32,167 --> 00:32:35,649
- Oh, for fuck's sake, man.

615
00:32:38,260 --> 00:32:40,001
This is like <i>Deal or No Deal.</i>

616
00:32:40,001 --> 00:32:42,308
I could've went
to anybody there.

617
00:32:43,874 --> 00:32:47,269
And I somehow hit the fucking
quarter of a million box.

618
00:32:48,444 --> 00:32:51,578
Er, say how spell it again.

619
00:32:51,578 --> 00:32:52,796
O-D-H-R-A-N.

620
00:32:52,796 --> 00:32:55,147
- O-D-H-R...
- D-H is silent.

621
00:32:55,147 --> 00:32:57,105
D-H, it's silent? All right.

622
00:32:57,105 --> 00:33:01,283
So, Oran. Is that enough if I
just call you Oran? Good man.

623
00:33:01,283 --> 00:33:05,070
Wow. Just you shut up.
This'll blow your mind.

624
00:33:08,595 --> 00:33:12,338
Yeah, this is a fucking quantum
physics lecture now.

625
00:33:12,338 --> 00:33:15,080
"But why would a letter
be silent?" "I don't know, mate.

626
00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:18,648
It's just the way it is.
Calm down."

627
00:33:20,302 --> 00:33:21,695
Oran, Oran.

628
00:33:21,695 --> 00:33:24,567
What I'm saying
is the young... the generation,

629
00:33:24,567 --> 00:33:27,657
the youth,
you take the gym serious, right?

630
00:33:27,657 --> 00:33:29,442
This new breed of young people,

631
00:33:29,442 --> 00:33:31,835
they make the gym
a hostile environment

632
00:33:31,835 --> 00:33:33,402
for somebody like myself

633
00:33:33,402 --> 00:33:36,231
who's just in for a bit of
physical and mental maintenance.

634
00:33:36,231 --> 00:33:39,104
The youth, they no longer
drink as much, right?

635
00:33:39,104 --> 00:33:42,890
They no longer smoke hash.
They no longer sniff glue.

636
00:33:42,890 --> 00:33:45,719
The youth,
the Instagram generation,

637
00:33:45,719 --> 00:33:48,287
they're straight in
with the protein shakes,

638
00:33:48,287 --> 00:33:50,419
on the steroids, in the Octagon

639
00:33:50,419 --> 00:33:53,292
with their wee skin-tight
hot pants,

640
00:33:53,292 --> 00:33:55,250
69-ing their best mate.

641
00:33:55,250 --> 00:33:59,776
These wee... trained assassins.

642
00:33:59,776 --> 00:34:01,822
They're everywhere.

643
00:34:01,822 --> 00:34:05,391
These gym fiends
carrying these big water...

644
00:34:05,391 --> 00:34:08,698
ridiculous-sized
water containers.

645
00:34:08,698 --> 00:34:11,049
Every city center
I've been in recently,

646
00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:13,399
these young guys
are swaggering through.

647
00:34:13,399 --> 00:34:16,489
I know you're supposed to drink
three liters of water a day,

648
00:34:16,489 --> 00:34:19,883
but you don't need to carry it
in the one container.

649
00:34:22,799 --> 00:34:25,628
Call center-sized
water dispensers.

650
00:34:25,628 --> 00:34:28,240
You want to say,
"Excuse me, mate.

651
00:34:28,240 --> 00:34:29,719
How long did you intend

652
00:34:29,719 --> 00:34:33,071
to spend away from a running tap
this afternoon?"

653
00:34:36,987 --> 00:34:39,729
"Are you traveling 40 miles
to the nearest village

654
00:34:39,729 --> 00:34:43,429
to fill that up every morning?"

655
00:34:43,429 --> 00:34:46,127
That's where I went,
and I was at a class in the gym.

656
00:34:46,127 --> 00:34:47,955
See, I don't know
exercises, right?

657
00:34:47,955 --> 00:34:50,349
The gym to my generation
used to be

658
00:34:50,349 --> 00:34:52,002
you go on the treadmill
for five minutes.

659
00:34:52,002 --> 00:34:54,788
For as long as "Insomnia"
by Faithless lasted

660
00:34:54,788 --> 00:34:57,312
You would maybe speed it up
towards the end,

661
00:34:57,312 --> 00:34:58,922
then you would do
a couple of them

662
00:34:58,922 --> 00:35:01,664
and then sauna, steam-room,
vending machine, home.

663
00:35:01,664 --> 00:35:04,493
- That was the gym.

664
00:35:04,493 --> 00:35:06,495
But now the kids
have got programs.

665
00:35:06,495 --> 00:35:08,236
Got a program. Strength goals.

666
00:35:08,236 --> 00:35:10,412
"Strength goals, man.
My program."

667
00:35:10,412 --> 00:35:11,848
I went to the class.

668
00:35:11,848 --> 00:35:14,373
The guy's telling everybody
the circuits to follow.

669
00:35:14,373 --> 00:35:15,765
He's shouting out exercises

670
00:35:15,765 --> 00:35:17,724
I'd never fucking heard of
in my life.

671
00:35:17,724 --> 00:35:20,161
He's going, "We're gonna
start off with one minute,

672
00:35:20,161 --> 00:35:22,903
one minute
of Bulgarian bag spins."

673
00:35:24,426 --> 00:35:27,125
"One minute
of Russian split-squats.

674
00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:29,692
One minute
of Romanian dead-lifts."

675
00:35:29,692 --> 00:35:31,651
I'm thinking,
"Do you have any exercise

676
00:35:31,651 --> 00:35:33,653
which originated
in a <i>happy</i> country?"

677
00:35:33,653 --> 00:35:37,961
- Fuck this.

678
00:35:43,010 --> 00:35:44,403
None of this was designed

679
00:35:44,403 --> 00:35:46,840
to help anybody's mental health, mate.

680
00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:50,060
These are all the products
of brutal Soviet regimes!

681
00:35:51,236 --> 00:35:54,456
And we're paying
ten quid to a capitalist

682
00:35:54,456 --> 00:35:58,591
to attend a gulag
on a Saturday morning.

683
00:35:58,591 --> 00:36:00,636
And I'd never done
a squat before.

684
00:36:00,636 --> 00:36:03,161
For those of you unfamiliar,
the squat,

685
00:36:03,161 --> 00:36:06,425
it's all the Instagram,
wellness, fitness influencers.

686
00:36:06,425 --> 00:36:08,035
It looks good, the squat,

687
00:36:08,035 --> 00:36:11,038
but there's a dark side to the
squat they don't tell you about

688
00:36:11,038 --> 00:36:13,258
and I learned this
in a painful manner,

689
00:36:13,258 --> 00:36:16,304
in a painful and degrading
and humiliating manner.

690
00:36:16,304 --> 00:36:19,394
I was holding a bit of weight
there, a kettlebell,

691
00:36:19,394 --> 00:36:21,527
and then you need
to lower yourself

692
00:36:21,527 --> 00:36:24,138
into a seated position,
and it looks good.

693
00:36:24,138 --> 00:36:25,357
It's probably good

694
00:36:25,357 --> 00:36:27,097
for your physical health
and mental health.

695
00:36:27,097 --> 00:36:30,405
But I don't yet believe
that the human sphincter...

696
00:36:31,885 --> 00:36:35,149
...has evolved
to withstand such pressure.

697
00:36:35,149 --> 00:36:37,934
- I was doing these every week

698
00:36:37,934 --> 00:36:40,241
and adding a bit of weight on

699
00:36:40,241 --> 00:36:43,853
until, one day,
I just felt an intense pain

700
00:36:43,853 --> 00:36:47,422
and a very specific unique pain
that I had never felt before

701
00:36:47,422 --> 00:36:51,470
in the most intimate of orifices
in the male body.

702
00:36:51,470 --> 00:36:53,733
And I don't mind
being candid here, Cork.

703
00:36:53,733 --> 00:36:57,084
I felt a proper...
Like, flights to Switzerland,

704
00:36:57,084 --> 00:36:58,477
Dignitas, end it all.

705
00:36:58,477 --> 00:37:01,610
What the fuck
have you just done here, Kevin?

706
00:37:01,610 --> 00:37:04,657
I had to leave the class
and then leave the gym.

707
00:37:04,657 --> 00:37:07,268
I had to drive home
on one arse cheek

708
00:37:07,268 --> 00:37:09,966
as the pain
gradually intensified

709
00:37:09,966 --> 00:37:14,667
and basically, I gave myself
piles, I later learned out.

710
00:37:14,667 --> 00:37:16,016
I don't mean...

711
00:37:16,016 --> 00:37:17,887
You need to discuss
these things, hemorrhoids.

712
00:37:17,887 --> 00:37:20,238
I'd never suffered from piles
or hemorrhoids

713
00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:22,283
until I tried
to get myself in shape.

714
00:37:22,283 --> 00:37:23,763
I don't mind opening up.

715
00:37:23,763 --> 00:37:26,809
It is important
that we discuss rectal health.

716
00:37:26,809 --> 00:37:31,553
I will gladly be the poster boy
for rectal health awareness.

717
00:37:31,553 --> 00:37:33,947
You get one arsehole in this life.

718
00:37:33,947 --> 00:37:36,732
Look after it.
Don't suffer in silence.

719
00:37:38,995 --> 00:37:42,347
Ex... Exactly.

720
00:37:42,347 --> 00:37:46,612
I was terrified. I had to rush
up the stairs into my bathroom.

721
00:37:46,612 --> 00:37:48,178
I had to pull down my shorts

722
00:37:48,178 --> 00:37:50,659
and inspect my own arsehole
in the mirror.

723
00:37:50,659 --> 00:37:53,271
I'd never seen piles.
I'd only heard about them.

724
00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:54,707
I thought it was only women

725
00:37:54,707 --> 00:37:57,362
who'd just given birth
who got them, or old people.

726
00:37:57,362 --> 00:37:58,667
It's quite a scary...

727
00:37:58,667 --> 00:38:00,756
When you first see
foreign bodies

728
00:38:00,756 --> 00:38:03,106
growing from your arse,
it's alarming.

729
00:38:03,106 --> 00:38:05,413
"What the fuck
have you done here, Kev?"

730
00:38:05,413 --> 00:38:09,809
I had to get my iPhone and turn
the torch on just to get a...

731
00:38:10,766 --> 00:38:12,899
Quickly locked the bathroom door

732
00:38:12,899 --> 00:38:15,815
in case my wife walks in
and just sees this.

733
00:38:17,338 --> 00:38:20,210
"Oh, I've set up
an Only Fans page!"

734
00:38:20,210 --> 00:38:23,736
- I'm looking in the mirror...

735
00:38:23,736 --> 00:38:27,957
going, "What the fuck is this?!"
It's scary.

736
00:38:27,957 --> 00:38:30,917
Piles!
That's the bit.

737
00:38:30,917 --> 00:38:32,571
I phoned. I panicked.

738
00:38:32,571 --> 00:38:34,964
I never knew that hemorrhoids,
they're relatively harmlessly.

739
00:38:34,964 --> 00:38:37,184
I just panicked at the time.
"What the fuck is this?"

740
00:38:37,184 --> 00:38:40,318
I phoned the doctor.
The doctor refused to see me.

741
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:44,409
That is a bit of Covid debris
I hope we can eventually lose.

742
00:38:44,409 --> 00:38:47,368
The over-the-phone
doctor's consultation.

743
00:38:47,368 --> 00:38:48,891
Cos there's some situations

744
00:38:48,891 --> 00:38:51,372
you just need a doctor
to see it for himself.

745
00:38:52,895 --> 00:38:56,290
You... You need the fucking
fair play to your eyesight

746
00:38:56,290 --> 00:38:57,378
off the doctor.

747
00:38:57,378 --> 00:39:00,686
- You need...

748
00:39:00,686 --> 00:39:06,039
- Right, especially...

749
00:39:06,039 --> 00:39:09,172
I just believe the over-the-
phone doctor's consultation,

750
00:39:09,172 --> 00:39:10,957
there is way too much dependent

751
00:39:10,957 --> 00:39:13,176
on your use
of descriptive language.

752
00:39:13,176 --> 00:39:15,744
I don't think you should need
to be Oscar Wilde

753
00:39:15,744 --> 00:39:17,659
just to get yourself
a prescription.

754
00:39:17,659 --> 00:39:19,400
I'm in the mirror. How the fuck

755
00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:21,402
am I gonna explain
what I can see

756
00:39:21,402 --> 00:39:23,491
to a doctor, over the phone?

757
00:39:23,491 --> 00:39:26,842
I'm trying to workshop
some imagery. Er...

758
00:39:26,842 --> 00:39:29,323
"It's kind of...
you ever play snooker, Doctor?

759
00:39:29,323 --> 00:39:32,195
You ever...
You ever been playing snooker

760
00:39:32,195 --> 00:39:35,590
and too many balls
get potted into one pocket?"

761
00:39:42,249 --> 00:39:43,816
To cut to the story,

762
00:39:43,816 --> 00:39:45,470
I was basically told I had piles

763
00:39:45,470 --> 00:39:47,428
and it was nothing
to worry about

764
00:39:47,428 --> 00:39:50,910
and the doctor told me to go
and buy a cream and it was fine.

765
00:39:50,910 --> 00:39:53,173
I don't know if anybody
knows the name of the cream.

766
00:39:53,173 --> 00:39:55,218
The cream is called Anusol.

767
00:39:55,218 --> 00:39:58,047
Right, that is...
that is how subtle

768
00:39:58,047 --> 00:40:00,310
these pharmaceutical geeks

769
00:40:00,310 --> 00:40:04,184
decided to make the name
for that cream, Anusol.

770
00:40:04,184 --> 00:40:06,186
They could've called that anything.

771
00:40:06,186 --> 00:40:07,796
They could've gone as niche

772
00:40:07,796 --> 00:40:12,627
and as esoteric as their big PhD
brains would allow, but, no.

773
00:40:12,627 --> 00:40:15,587
They went for a cheap laugh
at the expense

774
00:40:15,587 --> 00:40:18,067
of people's poor rectal health.

775
00:40:19,373 --> 00:40:22,376
Anusol. I had to go to Boots
to buy some.

776
00:40:22,376 --> 00:40:24,596
My wife accompanied me.

777
00:40:24,596 --> 00:40:27,468
And we got to Boots
and on the Boots shelf,

778
00:40:27,468 --> 00:40:30,253
they never had the Anusol
that I required.

779
00:40:30,253 --> 00:40:32,517
I thought, "I'm just gonna
have to leave it then.

780
00:40:32,517 --> 00:40:34,432
I'll just need
to suffer in silence."

781
00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:37,347
My wife said, "No, usually
in Boots, if you walk over,

782
00:40:37,347 --> 00:40:39,828
they've got extra stock
behind the counter."

783
00:40:39,828 --> 00:40:42,004
I said,
"Are you fucking insane?"

784
00:40:46,095 --> 00:40:47,314
"You want me to walk over

785
00:40:47,314 --> 00:40:49,751
and ask that guy
if he's got any Anusol cream

786
00:40:49,751 --> 00:40:51,666
for my external hemorrhoids?"

787
00:40:51,666 --> 00:40:53,538
I said,
"I'm just gonna leave it."

788
00:40:53,538 --> 00:40:55,496
And my wife
called me immature.

789
00:40:55,496 --> 00:40:57,150
My wife called me a child,

790
00:40:57,150 --> 00:40:59,544
called me a baby,
told me to grow up

791
00:40:59,544 --> 00:41:01,981
and I just stood
letting her insults

792
00:41:01,981 --> 00:41:05,506
bounce off
my gormless expression,

793
00:41:05,506 --> 00:41:11,207
patiently waiting in the hope
that maybe she would suggest

794
00:41:11,207 --> 00:41:14,341
that she walk over on my behalf.

795
00:41:15,864 --> 00:41:20,129
he's going, "First of all,
Kevin, it's called Anyu-sol.

796
00:41:20,129 --> 00:41:22,001
Not Anusol. Anyus..."

797
00:41:22,001 --> 00:41:24,482
I said,
"Are we talking Spanish here?

798
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:26,701
I don't see
a squiggle above the N.

799
00:41:26,701 --> 00:41:30,444
You cannae... You cannae
just conceal the word anus

800
00:41:30,444 --> 00:41:31,837
inside another word

801
00:41:31,837 --> 00:41:35,318
and expect people to manipulate
the pronunciation.

802
00:41:35,318 --> 00:41:38,278
Do you look at the planets?
Oh, look at Uran-yus? No.

803
00:41:38,278 --> 00:41:41,063
Don't try
and defend big pharma."

804
00:41:42,369 --> 00:41:45,154
And then my wife said,
"Fine. I'll go over."

805
00:41:45,154 --> 00:41:46,504
And that's true love.

806
00:41:46,504 --> 00:41:49,332
That's when you know
you have married the one.

807
00:41:49,332 --> 00:41:53,249
I watched my wife... "You're
my everything, my soulmate."

808
00:41:55,817 --> 00:41:57,950
I've got Spandau Ballet playing

809
00:41:57,950 --> 00:42:00,518
as I'm watching my wife
walk on over.

810
00:42:00,518 --> 00:42:02,607
I don't know
if I loved my wife more

811
00:42:02,607 --> 00:42:06,741
watching her walk up the aisle
on our wedding day,

812
00:42:06,741 --> 00:42:10,440
or watching her
walk up this Boots aisle

813
00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:15,533
on this, the darkest of days,
for my rectal health.

814
00:42:15,533 --> 00:42:19,362
I turn to the shelf and start
putting together my meal deal.

815
00:42:22,496 --> 00:42:24,846
The afternoon's
suddenly looking promising,

816
00:42:24,846 --> 00:42:28,284
a BLT, a packet
of tangy cheese Doritos.

817
00:42:28,284 --> 00:42:30,983
I look over to see
how my wife's progressing,

818
00:42:30,983 --> 00:42:33,681
and she has got her elbow
on the Boots counter,

819
00:42:33,681 --> 00:42:36,684
engaged in dialogue
with the Boots worker

820
00:42:36,684 --> 00:42:38,251
and then her upper body

821
00:42:38,251 --> 00:42:41,036
gradually begins
performing a 180,

822
00:42:41,036 --> 00:42:43,604
as she is pointing back over...

823
00:42:50,437 --> 00:42:55,573
Fucking grassed on
and exposed as a coward!

824
00:42:55,573 --> 00:42:58,532
I went to put my juice
and my sandwich and my crisps

825
00:42:58,532 --> 00:42:59,620
under my left arm

826
00:42:59,620 --> 00:43:01,709
so I can wave
at the Boots worker,

827
00:43:01,709 --> 00:43:03,537
wave a wee acknowledgement

828
00:43:03,537 --> 00:43:08,237
as she is mentally processing
an image of my shattered hoop.

829
00:43:15,549 --> 00:43:16,898
So, I made a full recovery,

830
00:43:16,898 --> 00:43:18,944
you'll be glad to know,
people of Cork.

831
00:43:18,944 --> 00:43:23,601
- That's it. Thank you.

832
00:43:23,601 --> 00:43:26,647
My arse is back in the game.
That's why you need to watch.

833
00:43:26,647 --> 00:43:29,389
Let that be a lesson, any of
the gym people, with the squats

834
00:43:29,389 --> 00:43:32,566
and all this... all the high
protein, all the high protein...

835
00:43:32,566 --> 00:43:35,438
"Strength goals, man.
Strength goals."

836
00:43:35,438 --> 00:43:37,179
It is. It's a shame, innit?

837
00:43:37,179 --> 00:43:39,529
Every nutritionist
is always dragging,

838
00:43:39,529 --> 00:43:41,009
like, bread, for example.

839
00:43:41,009 --> 00:43:42,532
As you get slightly older,

840
00:43:42,532 --> 00:43:45,274
I believe you just find
the foods that suit you.

841
00:43:45,274 --> 00:43:47,015
Bread's your best friend, man.

842
00:43:47,015 --> 00:43:51,019
Don't listen
to these protein extremists.

843
00:43:51,019 --> 00:43:53,674
Yeah, bread has been...
Bread got cancelled.

844
00:43:53,674 --> 00:43:57,373
Bread has been treated
like a sex offender

845
00:43:57,373 --> 00:43:59,245
since the Atkins diet.

846
00:43:59,245 --> 00:44:02,814
Every single diet
involves cutting out bread.

847
00:44:02,814 --> 00:44:05,817
Everywhere you look,
"Don't eat bread.

848
00:44:05,817 --> 00:44:07,862
Bread is making you tired."

849
00:44:07,862 --> 00:44:10,691
Really?
You ever seen a duck yawning?

850
00:44:13,868 --> 00:44:15,478
That's...

851
00:44:15,478 --> 00:44:20,179
That is a simple bit of research
that anybody is free to conduct.

852
00:44:21,310 --> 00:44:23,225
I've never took my son
to the park,

853
00:44:23,225 --> 00:44:24,444
walked up to the pond

854
00:44:24,444 --> 00:44:26,707
and seen fucking quack-quack...

855
00:44:28,535 --> 00:44:30,493
Quack, quack.

856
00:44:30,493 --> 00:44:31,973
"Oh, look at the ducks, son.

857
00:44:31,973 --> 00:44:34,846
They're fucking exhausted,
aren't they? Wow.

858
00:44:34,846 --> 00:44:36,978
Too much starchy carbohydrates,

859
00:44:36,978 --> 00:44:39,894
that's what that is, pal."

860
00:44:41,940 --> 00:44:44,029
I think that would be an asset

861
00:44:44,029 --> 00:44:47,380
in this hectic, modern world
if bread made you tired,

862
00:44:47,380 --> 00:44:50,296
if it was that easy
to be tired on demand.

863
00:44:50,296 --> 00:44:52,777
I'm tired.
I'm tired the whole day.

864
00:44:52,777 --> 00:44:56,084
I'm tired. I spend
the whole fucking day exhausted,

865
00:44:56,084 --> 00:44:58,826
and it's only when I get to bed
at night

866
00:44:58,826 --> 00:45:01,437
and eventually turn off
the telly,

867
00:45:01,437 --> 00:45:06,051
and I close my eyes, that's when
I come alive. Right? My...

868
00:45:06,051 --> 00:45:08,531
My mental health
is quite, quite good

869
00:45:08,531 --> 00:45:10,751
until the evenings
and I know...

870
00:45:10,751 --> 00:45:13,711
I know as soon as
I turn off the telly,

871
00:45:13,711 --> 00:45:16,757
and it's just me,
alone, inside of me,

872
00:45:16,757 --> 00:45:20,456
I know I've got exactly
one minute to get sleeping,

873
00:45:20,456 --> 00:45:23,546
or somebody
is gonna storm the cockpit.

874
00:45:25,723 --> 00:45:30,466
And we are gonna lose all
contact with air traffic control

875
00:45:30,466 --> 00:45:34,732
and go way off
on these turbulent journeys.

876
00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:38,083
And that is when I would need
a wee bedside baguette

877
00:45:38,083 --> 00:45:39,998
just to take the edge off.

878
00:45:39,998 --> 00:45:43,523
- If...

879
00:45:47,614 --> 00:45:50,835
I try... I try so hard
to take a sleep serious.

880
00:45:50,835 --> 00:45:53,359
I put my phone
away in the corner.

881
00:45:53,359 --> 00:45:54,577
"You stay there, phone.

882
00:45:54,577 --> 00:45:56,579
Don't come near me.
Stay on the charger.

883
00:45:56,579 --> 00:45:59,060
I'll see you tomorrow.
I'm here for a sleep."

884
00:45:59,060 --> 00:46:02,237
I'm lying awake,
scared to turn off the telly.

885
00:46:02,237 --> 00:46:04,413
"I don't think
you're tired enough, Kev.

886
00:46:04,413 --> 00:46:06,633
Just keep flicking, man.
Keep flicking."

887
00:46:06,633 --> 00:46:10,550
Australian
traffic police, I'm watching...

888
00:46:10,550 --> 00:46:12,813
"How fast
were you going there, mate?

889
00:46:12,813 --> 00:46:16,817
Yeah. What does the sign say,
mate? What does the sign say?"

890
00:46:16,817 --> 00:46:20,081
"That's it, Kev. It's his voice,
or whatever voice is in there.

891
00:46:20,081 --> 00:46:22,301
I don't think you're tired.
Keep flicking."

892
00:46:22,301 --> 00:46:25,347
I'm away up the back
on the History Channel,

893
00:46:25,347 --> 00:46:28,263
<i>The Rise and Fall
of Adolf Hitler,</i>

894
00:46:28,263 --> 00:46:31,223
a nice wee
soothing bedtime story.

895
00:46:31,223 --> 00:46:35,662
They always stick that guy on
at two in the morning.

896
00:46:35,662 --> 00:46:39,666
I'm lying watching him.
His mental health was poor.

897
00:46:39,666 --> 00:46:44,845
- Wow.

898
00:46:44,845 --> 00:46:47,195
He killed himself.
It just shows.

899
00:46:47,195 --> 00:46:50,546
You don't know what's going on
inside somebody's head.

900
00:46:56,378 --> 00:47:00,078
I'm watching that guy. He was
the picture of self-assurance.

901
00:47:00,078 --> 00:47:02,036
He's standing
in front of...

902
00:47:02,036 --> 00:47:04,647
Standing in front
of hundreds of thousands,

903
00:47:04,647 --> 00:47:06,998
oozing self-confidence, going...

904
00:47:10,610 --> 00:47:12,568
I don't know
what the fuck he's saying,

905
00:47:12,568 --> 00:47:14,092
but it never once sounded like,

906
00:47:14,092 --> 00:47:16,007
"Guys, I'm struggling."

907
00:47:22,100 --> 00:47:24,537
That's when
I'm lying awake, going,

908
00:47:24,537 --> 00:47:26,365
"When did that start, man?

909
00:47:26,365 --> 00:47:28,454
How did you end up like that?"

910
00:47:28,454 --> 00:47:32,414
That's why you need to open up
way before it gets to that.

911
00:47:32,414 --> 00:47:35,504
I'm angry at Hitler's mates
back in the day.

912
00:47:35,504 --> 00:47:38,812
They must've seen signs
when that bitterness descended.

913
00:47:38,812 --> 00:47:41,423
As soon as he got
knocked back from art school,

914
00:47:41,423 --> 00:47:43,991
I bet there was nights,
having a few beers,

915
00:47:43,991 --> 00:47:45,863
Hitler's on his sparkling water,

916
00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:48,691
wee chip on his shoulder
cos he got rejected.

917
00:47:48,691 --> 00:47:50,868
Fucking,
"See these fucking Jews?"

918
00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:53,740
-"Whoa!"

919
00:47:53,740 --> 00:47:55,655
"Fuck's sake, Dolf."

920
00:47:57,526 --> 00:48:00,268
Everybody has
a nickname back in the day.

921
00:48:00,268 --> 00:48:01,835
Maybe that was Hitler's.

922
00:48:01,835 --> 00:48:04,925
"It's not the Jews' fault
your paintings are shite, Dolf."

923
00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:10,104
"And fucking ditch that tache.
You're creeping out the birds."

924
00:48:10,104 --> 00:48:12,019
And that would've been it.

925
00:48:12,019 --> 00:48:14,543
That would've been
the end of him.

926
00:48:14,543 --> 00:48:17,590
I'm lying awake contemplating
alternative histories.

927
00:48:17,590 --> 00:48:20,419
Hitler would just be...
maybe even a stoner,

928
00:48:20,419 --> 00:48:22,900
with these fucked-up
thoughts, innit?

929
00:48:22,900 --> 00:48:25,424
Just walking about Vienna.

930
00:48:25,424 --> 00:48:29,036
"Imagine the whole world
had blond hair and blue eyes."

931
00:48:33,345 --> 00:48:35,390
That's where
my brain goes at night.

932
00:48:35,390 --> 00:48:37,001
That's why you need bread, man.

933
00:48:37,001 --> 00:48:41,353
Lying awake, just watching...
watching Hitler,

934
00:48:41,353 --> 00:48:44,486
cos I know,
that's what happens to me.

935
00:48:46,358 --> 00:48:47,837
That's what happens.

936
00:48:47,837 --> 00:48:50,536
As soon as I turn off the telly,
as soon as it's just me,

937
00:48:50,536 --> 00:48:53,626
alone, inside of me,
the minute passes

938
00:48:53,626 --> 00:48:55,758
and that wee voice comes in,

939
00:48:55,758 --> 00:48:58,587
"I wonder what happens
when you die, Kevin."

940
00:48:58,587 --> 00:48:59,849
Here we fucking go.

941
00:48:59,849 --> 00:49:01,460
"This is a daytime conversation.

942
00:49:01,460 --> 00:49:03,157
Why do you ask this shit
at night?"

943
00:49:03,157 --> 00:49:06,160
"Ah, you're always too busy
during the day, Kev.

944
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:08,815
You're always hiding, fucking
hiding. I'll be here, Kev.

945
00:49:08,815 --> 00:49:11,122
Every single night,
I'll be here waiting.

946
00:49:11,122 --> 00:49:13,689
You can hide all day long,
on Instagram

947
00:49:13,689 --> 00:49:16,257
watching Ashley Banjo
get a haircut,

948
00:49:16,257 --> 00:49:17,780
but I will be here, Kev.

949
00:49:17,780 --> 00:49:20,914
I wonder what happens
when you die, Kev."

950
00:49:20,914 --> 00:49:22,263
"I don't fucking know."

951
00:49:22,263 --> 00:49:24,613
"You better have a think,
cos you're gonna die."

952
00:49:24,613 --> 00:49:27,007
"That's fucking right.
I'm gonna fucking die."

953
00:49:27,007 --> 00:49:28,704
"Everybody's gonna die, Kev."

954
00:49:28,704 --> 00:49:30,968
"That's fucking true.
Everybody's gonna die."

955
00:49:30,968 --> 00:49:33,709
"I wonder how many people
have ever died."

956
00:49:33,709 --> 00:49:36,582
-"What do you mean, like, ever?"

957
00:49:36,582 --> 00:49:38,410
"Aye." "That's a good question.

958
00:49:38,410 --> 00:49:41,108
I wonder how many...
That is a good question.

959
00:49:41,108 --> 00:49:43,067
Do you think more people
have died

960
00:49:43,067 --> 00:49:45,199
than there are alive
right now?"

961
00:49:45,199 --> 00:49:46,766
"Surely, Kev." "I wonder

962
00:49:46,766 --> 00:49:49,421
how many people
there's ever been then."

963
00:49:49,421 --> 00:49:50,726
"Do you mean, like, ever?"

964
00:49:50,726 --> 00:49:53,381
"Aye, everybody
who has ever died

965
00:49:53,381 --> 00:49:55,905
plus everybody alive right now."

966
00:49:55,905 --> 00:49:58,734
"Kev, that is
a fantastic question."

967
00:49:59,822 --> 00:50:01,868
"How many people
has there ever been?

968
00:50:01,868 --> 00:50:03,652
That's a terrific question."

969
00:50:03,652 --> 00:50:08,483
And that's when you feel your
phone in the corner, going...

970
00:50:12,792 --> 00:50:15,012
"Kev! I know that, mate! Kev!

971
00:50:16,230 --> 00:50:18,450
Kev! I know the answer, bro!
Come on down!

972
00:50:18,450 --> 00:50:21,192
We'll make a fucking night
of it, me and you, bro!"

973
00:50:21,192 --> 00:50:23,672
-"Come on out of bed, man.

974
00:50:23,672 --> 00:50:26,371
Come on out of bed!"

975
00:50:26,371 --> 00:50:28,199
And I'm up
and I'm out of the bed

976
00:50:28,199 --> 00:50:29,504
and I'm crouching down.

977
00:50:29,504 --> 00:50:32,768
"How many people
has there ever been?"

978
00:50:33,682 --> 00:50:35,075
"Good to see you, Kev, mate.

979
00:50:35,075 --> 00:50:37,338
I thought you'd fucked off
for the night.

980
00:50:37,338 --> 00:50:39,514
I love these nights
when it's just me and you.

981
00:50:39,514 --> 00:50:41,560
'How many people
has there ever been?'

982
00:50:41,560 --> 00:50:43,518
Always a great question
with you, Kev.

983
00:50:43,518 --> 00:50:45,346
'How do you say
turkey in Turkish?'

984
00:50:45,346 --> 00:50:47,174
That was a good one as well, Kev.

985
00:50:47,174 --> 00:50:49,002
Remember on holiday in Turkey?

986
00:50:49,002 --> 00:50:50,177
You were eating turkey.

987
00:50:50,177 --> 00:50:52,005
You should've said
to one of the staff,

988
00:50:52,005 --> 00:50:54,051
'What do you call this?'
That would've been funny.

989
00:50:54,051 --> 00:50:55,530
'How many people have...'

990
00:50:55,530 --> 00:50:57,793
Kev, have you seen
a cat's dick?" "No.

991
00:50:57,793 --> 00:51:00,448
That's weird. Why have I never
seen a cat's willy?"

992
00:51:00,448 --> 00:51:02,885
"Let's have a look, then, Kev.
Google Images.

993
00:51:02,885 --> 00:51:05,714
There we go, two in the morning,
looking at cat cock.

994
00:51:05,714 --> 00:51:07,151
That's why I love you, Kev.

995
00:51:07,151 --> 00:51:08,935
Kev, what about Bitcoin?
Come on.

996
00:51:08,935 --> 00:51:12,634
Once a week, me and you
attempt to finally understand

997
00:51:12,634 --> 00:51:16,116
how Bitcoin
and cryptocurrencies work.

998
00:51:16,116 --> 00:51:18,640
This could be the night
it eventually sinks ins.

999
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:21,600
Let's have a wee look, Kev.
Come on. Just pay attention.

1000
00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:23,080
'How does Bitcoin...?'

1001
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:26,387
Well, Bitcoin operates from
a decentralized network,

1002
00:51:26,387 --> 00:51:30,435
using encrypted peer-to-peer
blockchain technology.

1003
00:51:30,435 --> 00:51:31,871
Kev, see you can get

1004
00:51:31,871 --> 00:51:35,353
a white chocolate Kinder Bueno
these days?

1005
00:51:35,353 --> 00:51:38,138
I still see the Kinder Bueno
as quite a new thing,

1006
00:51:38,138 --> 00:51:39,400
but you get things like that.

1007
00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:40,836
They've been out for ages,

1008
00:51:40,836 --> 00:51:43,187
but you still see them as new,
like euros.

1009
00:51:43,187 --> 00:51:48,105
When did the euro originally
come out? 1999! Holy fuck!

1010
00:51:48,105 --> 00:51:51,543
You were only 13 back then, Kev.
That is how fast time moves.

1011
00:51:51,543 --> 00:51:54,328
You're gonna die, Kev.
You're gonna fucking die.

1012
00:51:54,328 --> 00:51:56,548
Look at the size
of that cat's willy.

1013
00:51:56,548 --> 00:51:58,811
Is that even a cat?"
That is why...

1014
00:52:07,559 --> 00:52:09,038
That is...

1015
00:52:09,038 --> 00:52:12,216
That is why if I just had
a wee multiseed bagel,

1016
00:52:12,216 --> 00:52:14,348
I could just...

1017
00:52:14,348 --> 00:52:18,526
I could just control-alt-delete
into a wee peaceful slumber.

1018
00:52:18,526 --> 00:52:20,528
That's all you need to do.

1019
00:52:20,528 --> 00:52:22,008
We need to watch the phones.

1020
00:52:22,008 --> 00:52:23,052
Everybody's the same.

1021
00:52:23,052 --> 00:52:24,793
Everybody's hooked
on the phones.

1022
00:52:24,793 --> 00:52:28,232
That's what's causing
the mental health epidemic.

1023
00:52:28,232 --> 00:52:32,497
Somebody recommended
jogging to me, right?

1024
00:52:32,497 --> 00:52:33,846
Just to make you look calm

1025
00:52:33,846 --> 00:52:35,761
and all that stuff,
and I tried it.

1026
00:52:35,761 --> 00:52:38,807
That's the two positive
lifestyle changes

1027
00:52:38,807 --> 00:52:40,069
I made recently.

1028
00:52:40,069 --> 00:52:41,767
I tried to take up jogging

1029
00:52:41,767 --> 00:52:44,465
and I tried to cut back
on social media.

1030
00:52:44,465 --> 00:52:46,728
But what I learned
is that jogging

1031
00:52:46,728 --> 00:52:49,035
is in a co-dependent
relationship

1032
00:52:49,035 --> 00:52:51,255
with social media.
I learned it.

1033
00:52:51,255 --> 00:52:52,604
I managed a 5K, right?

1034
00:52:52,604 --> 00:52:55,650
That was quite...
For a former portly fella,

1035
00:52:55,650 --> 00:52:56,912
I was quite chuffed

1036
00:52:56,912 --> 00:52:58,958
that I managed to run
for five kilometers.

1037
00:52:58,958 --> 00:53:01,134
And then my brain felt valeted, right?

1038
00:53:01,134 --> 00:53:03,223
Your brain floods with dopamine

1039
00:53:03,223 --> 00:53:05,834
and endorphins
and serotonin, right?

1040
00:53:05,834 --> 00:53:08,141
You feel...
You feel like Ric Flair.

1041
00:53:08,141 --> 00:53:11,144
You're just walking about going,
"Whoo! Whoo!"

1042
00:53:12,319 --> 00:53:14,147
But that bit of your brain

1043
00:53:14,147 --> 00:53:17,455
that Mark Zuckerberg controls
is also there,

1044
00:53:17,455 --> 00:53:19,631
saying, "Kev, you think
that feels happy?

1045
00:53:19,631 --> 00:53:21,285
You think that's dopamine?

1046
00:53:21,285 --> 00:53:25,158
Wait until you screenshot your
time and your distance covered

1047
00:53:25,158 --> 00:53:28,640
and your calories burned
and post it on the socials

1048
00:53:28,640 --> 00:53:30,250
and every like that you get

1049
00:53:30,250 --> 00:53:33,210
is gonna spike that dopamine
even further."

1050
00:53:33,210 --> 00:53:36,996
And that's when I thought,
"This is a form of gambling."

1051
00:53:36,996 --> 00:53:38,911
That's what social media is.

1052
00:53:38,911 --> 00:53:41,130
If life presents you
with a moment

1053
00:53:41,130 --> 00:53:43,176
of genuine
offline happiness

1054
00:53:43,176 --> 00:53:46,266
and fulfillment, you need to
learn just to cash out, right?

1055
00:53:46,266 --> 00:53:48,921
Cos it can backfire,
as I learned.

1056
00:53:48,921 --> 00:53:50,749
I posted my time and I'm excited

1057
00:53:50,749 --> 00:53:51,967
cos I know every like

1058
00:53:51,967 --> 00:53:54,753
is gonna spike
that dopamine even further.

1059
00:53:54,753 --> 00:53:56,320
I got greedy.

1060
00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:58,931
I doubled down on the dopamine,
cos I'm chasing the likes.

1061
00:53:58,931 --> 00:54:01,977
That is the social media
currency, the like.

1062
00:54:01,977 --> 00:54:03,849
But it's a volatile market

1063
00:54:03,849 --> 00:54:05,329
and the snide comment

1064
00:54:05,329 --> 00:54:09,202
will always be strong
against the like, as I learnt.

1065
00:54:09,202 --> 00:54:12,771
I'm euphoric, posted my time
and then the comments came in,

1066
00:54:12,771 --> 00:54:15,252
"Were you fucking
pulling a caravan, Kevin?"

1067
00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:18,472
- Honest, yeah.

1068
00:54:18,472 --> 00:54:19,952
"Did you walk it, Kev?

1069
00:54:19,952 --> 00:54:22,563
It looked like you moon-walked
it at that pace, ha-ha."

1070
00:54:22,563 --> 00:54:25,653
Strangers are bonding
in the replies.

1071
00:54:27,742 --> 00:54:29,266
And that's when I realized

1072
00:54:29,266 --> 00:54:32,312
happiness is found offline,
genuine happiness.

1073
00:54:32,312 --> 00:54:35,272
Like, I enjoy a Sunday morning
these days.

1074
00:54:35,272 --> 00:54:37,665
I enjoy a Sunday
as a family man.

1075
00:54:37,665 --> 00:54:41,452
And shortly after...
shortly after my son was born,

1076
00:54:41,452 --> 00:54:43,976
I was...
I was in bed on a Sunday.

1077
00:54:43,976 --> 00:54:47,632
My son was having his nap
beside me, under my arm.

1078
00:54:47,632 --> 00:54:50,417
I'm in bed, my son,
just there sleeping.

1079
00:54:50,417 --> 00:54:53,333
My wife came over and she said,
"Aw," and she joined us.

1080
00:54:53,333 --> 00:54:56,684
And it was a Sunday morning.
<i>The Simpsons</i> is on the telly.

1081
00:54:56,684 --> 00:54:57,903
And then my dog came in

1082
00:54:57,903 --> 00:55:00,079
and jumped up beside me
on that side,

1083
00:55:00,079 --> 00:55:02,603
I'm sitting going,
"This is life. This is it."

1084
00:55:02,603 --> 00:55:06,520
You feel your soul expanding,
but Zuckerberg is there...

1085
00:55:08,174 --> 00:55:11,003
...saying, "Kev, this is what
we play for, man.

1086
00:55:11,003 --> 00:55:15,355
This is...
This is wholesome content, Kevo.

1087
00:55:15,355 --> 00:55:17,705
Get the selfie. Get it. Post it.

1088
00:55:17,705 --> 00:55:20,404
The baby, the dog,
the wife, the Sunday,

1089
00:55:20,404 --> 00:55:23,232
the family goals.
Get it on there, Kev."

1090
00:55:23,232 --> 00:55:25,104
And I know
how that would've went.

1091
00:55:25,104 --> 00:55:28,150
I was tempted, but I thought,
"No, this is how this'll go.

1092
00:55:28,150 --> 00:55:29,369
I will post a picture.

1093
00:55:29,369 --> 00:55:31,806
I'm happy, I'm fulfilled,
I'm greedy.

1094
00:55:31,806 --> 00:55:33,852
I'm suddenly
at the high-stakes table

1095
00:55:33,852 --> 00:55:35,375
and the likes
would come in

1096
00:55:35,375 --> 00:55:38,247
and all the comments,
'Oh my God, Kevin, too cute.

1097
00:55:38,247 --> 00:55:39,510
Oh, my God, too cute!

1098
00:55:39,510 --> 00:55:44,384
Oh, my God.
Wholesome content. Oh, my God!

1099
00:55:44,384 --> 00:55:50,390
Oh, my God! Just this.
Oh, my God, thisssss!

1100
00:55:50,390 --> 00:55:52,610
This is everything, Kevin. Oh,
my God.

1101
00:55:52,610 --> 00:55:55,134
Oh, my God.
Family is everything, Kevin.

1102
00:55:55,134 --> 00:55:57,789
Savor every moment.
Oh, my God.'"

1103
00:55:58,833 --> 00:56:00,792
But I'm fully aware
that in there,

1104
00:56:00,792 --> 00:56:03,229
there's gonna be,
"Your dog's a cunt."

1105
00:56:03,229 --> 00:56:05,536
- I'm fully aware.

1106
00:56:07,842 --> 00:56:11,150
I know the dopamine chips
can only pile so high,

1107
00:56:11,150 --> 00:56:13,935
but at any point,
the dealer can just go, woof,

1108
00:56:13,935 --> 00:56:16,895
and I would abandon my family,
abandon the moment.

1109
00:56:16,895 --> 00:56:18,853
Suddenly, I'm on a stranger's
page.

1110
00:56:18,853 --> 00:56:21,073
"My dog's a cunt?
Who the fuck is this?"

1111
00:56:21,073 --> 00:56:22,422
Clicking on his pictures,

1112
00:56:22,422 --> 00:56:24,424
"Is that his dog?
His dog's a cunt."

1113
00:56:24,424 --> 00:56:25,599
Then my wife would hear.

1114
00:56:25,599 --> 00:56:27,949
"Did you just call
somebody's dog a cunt?"

1115
00:56:27,949 --> 00:56:30,996
"Aye, cos he just called our dog
a cunt. Whose side are you on?"

1116
00:56:30,996 --> 00:56:33,607
We're arguing.
My son would wake up crying.

1117
00:56:33,607 --> 00:56:36,262
My dog would sense tension,
jump off the bed.

1118
00:56:36,262 --> 00:56:38,307
<i>The Simpsons</i> would finish.

1119
00:56:38,307 --> 00:56:42,616
That wee <i>Hollyoaks</i>
opening guitar tune would start.

1120
00:56:42,616 --> 00:56:47,012
That wee...

1121
00:56:47,012 --> 00:56:49,754
So, that's my point.
When the fun stops, stop. Right?

1122
00:56:49,754 --> 00:56:53,627
Just... Just accept happiness
when it presents itself.

1123
00:56:53,627 --> 00:56:56,413
- That was the point of that bit.

1124
00:56:56,413 --> 00:56:58,806
That's what I think.

1125
00:57:01,287 --> 00:57:03,115
I'm quite new to Instagram.

1126
00:57:03,115 --> 00:57:06,597
I know it's a bit old school.
I just joined up recently.

1127
00:57:06,597 --> 00:57:07,989
I never knew how it worked.

1128
00:57:07,989 --> 00:57:10,644
My wife's on Instagram
and I was on my wife's page

1129
00:57:10,644 --> 00:57:13,865
and there's a picture of my wife
with this stunning guy.

1130
00:57:13,865 --> 00:57:15,997
And I was like,
"Who the fuck is that?"

1131
00:57:15,997 --> 00:57:18,043
Then I looked closer
and it was me.

1132
00:57:18,043 --> 00:57:21,002
Right? I was like...
I was a solid ten.

1133
00:57:21,002 --> 00:57:23,135
I was smoking.
And I said to my wife,

1134
00:57:23,135 --> 00:57:25,485
"How did you manage
to get that out of this?"

1135
00:57:25,485 --> 00:57:27,574
She said,
"Oh, I just used a filter."

1136
00:57:27,574 --> 00:57:30,577
I never knew
that's what Instagram is,

1137
00:57:30,577 --> 00:57:34,407
just turning munters to rides
in one click. One click!

1138
00:57:39,064 --> 00:57:40,544
And we looked amazing.

1139
00:57:40,544 --> 00:57:43,285
This is what we're selling.
Everybody does the same.

1140
00:57:43,285 --> 00:57:46,071
If you're somewhere shite,
you can just take the pictures

1141
00:57:46,071 --> 00:57:48,073
and make it look good
and convince...

1142
00:57:48,073 --> 00:57:51,076
Me and wife are standing
on a romantic city break.

1143
00:57:51,076 --> 00:57:53,339
We're in front
of some ancient building.

1144
00:57:53,339 --> 00:57:54,688
I'm looking at the picture.

1145
00:57:54,688 --> 00:57:56,908
The memories are coming back
and I'm thinking,

1146
00:57:56,908 --> 00:58:02,130
"Wait. We never spoke
a fucking word that afternoon

1147
00:58:02,130 --> 00:58:04,959
on that wee
romantic mini-break."

1148
00:58:04,959 --> 00:58:08,789
That is the harsh reality
of a real relationship.

1149
00:58:08,789 --> 00:58:13,228
The romantic mini-break,
it's good for maybe a day

1150
00:58:13,228 --> 00:58:15,143
and then day two, you realize

1151
00:58:15,143 --> 00:58:18,146
you've signed up for
a school trip as adults,

1152
00:58:18,146 --> 00:58:20,366
having to put
a wee itinerary together,

1153
00:58:20,366 --> 00:58:22,324
going to look
at more buildings,

1154
00:58:22,324 --> 00:58:25,589
having to read placards,
visit abandoned prisons,

1155
00:58:25,589 --> 00:58:29,854
having to look at statues,
just killing time between meals.

1156
00:58:29,854 --> 00:58:33,640
Fucking hell, another gallery,
another museum.

1157
00:58:33,640 --> 00:58:35,294
Scared to look at the time.

1158
00:58:35,294 --> 00:58:38,732
"Far too early to suggest
an Irish bar, Kev,

1159
00:58:38,732 --> 00:58:40,386
far too early. Wait.

1160
00:58:40,386 --> 00:58:41,996
It's only half eleven, Kev.

1161
00:58:41,996 --> 00:58:43,476
Don't you dare suggest

1162
00:58:43,476 --> 00:58:46,523
a nine-euro Heineken
at Dicey O'Reilly's.

1163
00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:50,048
Come on, Kev. You've got
one more gallery, Kev."

1164
00:58:50,048 --> 00:58:52,964
And then what happens
on a romantic mini-break,

1165
00:58:52,964 --> 00:58:54,531
maybe day two or day three,

1166
00:58:54,531 --> 00:58:58,796
a silence descends
between you and your partner,

1167
00:58:58,796 --> 00:59:00,188
a silence from nowhere.

1168
00:59:00,188 --> 00:59:02,974
You'll be aware you're being
a bit quiet yourself

1169
00:59:02,974 --> 00:59:06,107
and you're also aware your
partner is being a bit quiet,

1170
00:59:06,107 --> 00:59:11,199
but you know if you're the first
one to accuse the other one

1171
00:59:11,199 --> 00:59:15,334
of being a bit quiet, you know
you're lighting a fuse there

1172
00:59:15,334 --> 00:59:17,597
that could ignite and combust

1173
00:59:17,597 --> 00:59:20,469
into a weekend-defining
argument.

1174
00:59:20,469 --> 00:59:23,734
So, what I have learned,
one little bit of advice,

1175
00:59:23,734 --> 00:59:26,911
what I have learned is when
you feel that silence descend

1176
00:59:26,911 --> 00:59:30,175
between you and your partner,
start making comments.

1177
00:59:30,175 --> 00:59:34,832
Start saying shit. Say any
old shit. Just get shit said.

1178
00:59:34,832 --> 00:59:36,834
Start building yourself a case.

1179
00:59:36,834 --> 00:59:41,055
Start saying shit that you can
later rely on as evidence...

1180
00:59:42,622 --> 00:59:45,886
...for when you're accused
of being the one being quiet.

1181
00:59:45,886 --> 00:59:48,454
And then when it does eventually
come to the hearing,

1182
00:59:48,454 --> 00:59:50,195
you storm in there

1183
00:59:50,195 --> 00:59:53,590
with your body of evidence.
"Me? Me? <i>I'm</i> being quiet?

1184
00:59:53,590 --> 00:59:56,854
I've fucking hardly shut up."
"And what've you said?"

1185
00:59:56,854 --> 00:59:59,596
"What have I said?
As soon as we left the hotel,

1186
00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:02,207
I said I wished I'd grabbed
a pain au chocolat

1187
01:00:02,207 --> 01:00:03,774
from the breakfast buffet,

1188
01:00:03,774 --> 01:00:05,776
cos I usually get hungry
about 11.

1189
01:00:05,776 --> 01:00:09,170
You said fuck all back.
One-nil to me straight away."

1190
01:00:10,781 --> 01:00:12,434
"Then we passed Darren's Bar.

1191
01:00:12,434 --> 01:00:14,306
I said
we should take a photograph

1192
01:00:14,306 --> 01:00:16,569
and send it to Darren,
cheer him up a bit

1193
01:00:16,569 --> 01:00:18,223
cos he's having a hard time.

1194
01:00:18,223 --> 01:00:19,703
Not that you would give a fuck.

1195
01:00:19,703 --> 01:00:22,096
Different if it was
one of your pals. And then..."

1196
01:00:23,837 --> 01:00:25,404
"And then on the promenade,

1197
01:00:25,404 --> 01:00:27,449
the guy on the Segway
came past us

1198
01:00:27,449 --> 01:00:29,843
and I told you the guy
who invented the Segway

1199
01:00:29,843 --> 01:00:33,368
apparently died
by segwaying off a cliff.

1200
01:00:33,368 --> 01:00:36,981
That is a strong conversation
piece. I got fuck all."

1201
01:00:38,373 --> 01:00:40,854
"Then I told you how many people
there's ever been.

1202
01:00:40,854 --> 01:00:44,162
Four-nil.
A hundred and 18 billion.

1203
01:00:44,162 --> 01:00:46,817
- That is fascinating.

1204
01:00:52,083 --> 01:00:54,607
What's your name, mate?
The guy with the Hugo?

1205
01:00:54,607 --> 01:00:56,174
What's your name? Owen.

1206
01:00:56,174 --> 01:00:59,046
Again, a lot of originality
in the names.

1207
01:00:59,046 --> 01:01:01,788
Owen.
Man, how old are you, Owen?

1208
01:01:01,788 --> 01:01:03,181
Seventeen? A youngster.

1209
01:01:03,181 --> 01:01:05,879
Wow. It's good that I'm still
getting the youth.

1210
01:01:05,879 --> 01:01:10,536
Although, that is, er, scary.
And age, it's a number, innit?

1211
01:01:10,536 --> 01:01:14,061
Don't you worry. We've got
a few older people in,

1212
01:01:14,061 --> 01:01:16,020
but it's subjective, age.

1213
01:01:16,020 --> 01:01:17,543
I believe you're young

1214
01:01:17,543 --> 01:01:21,112
for as long as people laugh
when you fall in public.

1215
01:01:21,112 --> 01:01:22,766
You're young. Right?

1216
01:01:22,766 --> 01:01:26,030
In my opinion,
that is the only accurate age

1217
01:01:26,030 --> 01:01:27,684
for the aging process.

1218
01:01:27,684 --> 01:01:30,164
- Thank you. That's...

1219
01:01:32,123 --> 01:01:35,517
I learned this.
I tripped over a curb

1220
01:01:35,517 --> 01:01:38,825
and I tried to resist
the momentum

1221
01:01:38,825 --> 01:01:41,219
and I eventually hit the deck.

1222
01:01:41,219 --> 01:01:43,656
And upon impact,
I heard laughter

1223
01:01:43,656 --> 01:01:46,920
and I looked over and there was
a van full of workmen

1224
01:01:46,920 --> 01:01:49,967
and one of them
was even performing...

1225
01:01:51,490 --> 01:01:55,320
...a full-on wanker sign,
going, "Wa-hey!"

1226
01:01:57,844 --> 01:02:01,152
And it was embarrassing, until
I thought about it a bit deeper

1227
01:02:01,152 --> 01:02:04,677
and I thought, "No, Kev.
Enjoy these moments. Enjoy this.

1228
01:02:04,677 --> 01:02:06,853
Enjoy this, Kev,
cos there'll come a time

1229
01:02:06,853 --> 01:02:08,594
when you'll have a similar fall.

1230
01:02:08,594 --> 01:02:11,815
You'll hit the deck
and you will not hear laughter.

1231
01:02:11,815 --> 01:02:15,644
You will not see the wanker
sign, or hear the wa-hey!

1232
01:02:15,644 --> 01:02:18,909
You'll hear, 'OK, sir,
what's your name? Sir?'

1233
01:02:21,476 --> 01:02:25,176
'Sir, can you hear me?
He's not responding. Sir?

1234
01:02:25,176 --> 01:02:29,006
I'm just gonna try and move you,
sir, OK?'"

1235
01:02:29,006 --> 01:02:33,793
That must be a terrifying moment
for any senior figure,

1236
01:02:33,793 --> 01:02:36,665
being forced to confront
your own mortality

1237
01:02:36,665 --> 01:02:39,320
in such a crass circumstance.

1238
01:02:39,320 --> 01:02:44,717
So, next time you see an
old person who's fell, just...

1239
01:02:44,717 --> 01:02:48,416
- Just bear that in mind.

1240
01:02:49,461 --> 01:02:51,245
Before you rush over there,

1241
01:02:51,245 --> 01:02:54,031
asking for emergency
contact details,

1242
01:02:54,031 --> 01:02:57,730
just know there might be
a young soul in that...

1243
01:02:57,730 --> 01:03:01,995
Inside that decaying mammal,
there may be a young soul.

1244
01:03:01,995 --> 01:03:05,738
And if you rush over, that young
soul could vanish forever.

1245
01:03:05,738 --> 01:03:08,306
- Whereas a wee...

1246
01:03:08,306 --> 01:03:11,396
A wee wanker sign, wa-hey!

1247
01:03:13,572 --> 01:03:15,704
Make that old man feel alive.

1248
01:03:21,145 --> 01:03:24,757
"I wish I got that
on video, mate. Wa-hey!"

1249
01:03:29,675 --> 01:03:32,156
I'm noticing people
in senior positions

1250
01:03:32,156 --> 01:03:34,680
are younger than me
for the first time.

1251
01:03:34,680 --> 01:03:36,813
That's a new one, innit?
Politicians.

1252
01:03:36,813 --> 01:03:38,771
Football managers
are younger.

1253
01:03:38,771 --> 01:03:40,077
Jesus.

1254
01:03:42,253 --> 01:03:45,517
He was 33 when he died.
That makes me feel old.

1255
01:03:45,517 --> 01:03:48,912
Wow, Jesus would've been
three years below me in school.

1256
01:03:48,912 --> 01:03:51,871
- Wow.

1257
01:03:54,439 --> 01:03:56,745
I don't know if
I can worship him.

1258
01:03:56,745 --> 01:03:58,138
He's a wee guy, man.

1259
01:03:58,138 --> 01:04:00,924
He'd have got put in a headlock.
"Jesus!"

1260
01:04:03,230 --> 01:04:07,104
"Turn that Capri-Sun into wine,
Jesus, or you're getting..."

1261
01:04:09,454 --> 01:04:10,847
Running up behind him

1262
01:04:10,847 --> 01:04:13,501
and kicking his sandals off
from under his feet.

1263
01:04:15,634 --> 01:04:17,244
But he was ripped, Jesus.

1264
01:04:17,244 --> 01:04:20,291
I don't think he gets enough
credit for the shape he was in.

1265
01:04:20,291 --> 01:04:22,859
Any time I'm in Mass
and I just kind of daydream,

1266
01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:25,644
it always strikes me
when you see Jesus on the cross,

1267
01:04:25,644 --> 01:04:26,863
he had a six-pack.

1268
01:04:26,863 --> 01:04:29,213
He never touched the bread
at that wedding.

1269
01:04:31,171 --> 01:04:33,347
No way did he put starchy carbs

1270
01:04:33,347 --> 01:04:36,263
in that wee welterweight frame
of his.

1271
01:04:36,263 --> 01:04:40,093
He'd be
on Instagram if he came back,

1272
01:04:40,093 --> 01:04:42,052
doing fitness tutorials.

1273
01:04:42,052 --> 01:04:45,446
-@JCPT, standing.

1274
01:04:49,059 --> 01:04:52,192
"Only my da can judge me"
tattoo.

1275
01:05:04,117 --> 01:05:06,250
I like Jesus.
You can have a laugh

1276
01:05:06,250 --> 01:05:08,817
and you can joke
about him. It's good.

1277
01:05:08,817 --> 01:05:12,125
He takes a joke, in my opinion.
Doesn't he?

1278
01:05:12,125 --> 01:05:13,605
Cos people get upset

1279
01:05:13,605 --> 01:05:16,390
at comedians these days,
don't they?

1280
01:05:16,390 --> 01:05:19,350
People are always complaining
about jokes.

1281
01:05:19,350 --> 01:05:21,004
It happened to me. Cancel...

1282
01:05:21,004 --> 01:05:23,223
Cancel culture
is what they call it.

1283
01:05:23,223 --> 01:05:25,312
I don't know if anybody's seen

1284
01:05:25,312 --> 01:05:27,793
that I caused uproar last year.
Me!

1285
01:05:27,793 --> 01:05:30,448
I caused controversy.
What had happened...

1286
01:05:30,448 --> 01:05:31,797
I'll tell you the story.

1287
01:05:31,797 --> 01:05:35,279
What had happened
was I had a show in Glasgow

1288
01:05:35,279 --> 01:05:38,238
on the evening
of the Queen's death, right?

1289
01:05:38,238 --> 01:05:39,544
Now, the story...

1290
01:05:43,156 --> 01:05:46,072
I know I don't need
to explain myself

1291
01:05:46,072 --> 01:05:48,901
in this part of the world, but...

1292
01:05:50,990 --> 01:05:55,168
- We'll probably...

1293
01:05:55,168 --> 01:05:58,128
We'll probably get the editor
to take that cheer out

1294
01:05:58,128 --> 01:06:02,784
just in the interests
of Anglo-Irish relations.

1295
01:06:04,438 --> 01:06:08,094
I had a show on the evening
of the Queen's death, right?

1296
01:06:08,094 --> 01:06:09,400
And what had happened,

1297
01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:11,750
I will explain myself
as a comedian, right?

1298
01:06:11,750 --> 01:06:15,406
The Queen's death
was confirmed at 6:45 p.m.

1299
01:06:15,406 --> 01:06:18,496
The doors to my show
had opened at 6:30 p.m.

1300
01:06:18,496 --> 01:06:22,587
Now, the show is going ahead,
and as a stand-up comedian,

1301
01:06:22,587 --> 01:06:24,806
you've got a few options there.

1302
01:06:27,984 --> 01:06:30,334
You... You can either
cancel the show,

1303
01:06:30,334 --> 01:06:32,597
even though
people are already in,

1304
01:06:32,597 --> 01:06:35,948
or making their way there, then
everybody would go fucking nuts,

1305
01:06:35,948 --> 01:06:37,428
or you start the show

1306
01:06:37,428 --> 01:06:41,432
and don't mention a news story
of that magnitude,

1307
01:06:41,432 --> 01:06:42,824
which had just broke,

1308
01:06:42,824 --> 01:06:45,131
which would be fucking weird
if I just came out,

1309
01:06:45,131 --> 01:06:48,830
"Has anybody seen the price
of a KitKat Chunky these days?"

1310
01:06:48,830 --> 01:06:51,311
Or you can start the show

1311
01:06:51,311 --> 01:06:56,403
and make a couple of jokes
about the situation

1312
01:06:56,403 --> 01:06:58,927
and then move on as normal.

1313
01:06:58,927 --> 01:07:01,408
Now, I chose option C.

1314
01:07:06,239 --> 01:07:09,025
The show went ahead
as a mark of respect

1315
01:07:09,025 --> 01:07:10,809
to the hardworking people

1316
01:07:10,809 --> 01:07:13,942
who had paid money
and babysitters and hotels

1317
01:07:13,942 --> 01:07:17,555
and all that stuff to come for
a laugh. So I chose that option.

1318
01:07:17,555 --> 01:07:18,991
And what I said was,

1319
01:07:18,991 --> 01:07:21,515
"She hung on in there
until the doors had opened.

1320
01:07:21,515 --> 01:07:24,649
She would've wanted my show
to go ahead."

1321
01:07:24,649 --> 01:07:27,086
Right? Which is funny.

1322
01:07:27,086 --> 01:07:29,871
And then in a dig
at the UK government

1323
01:07:29,871 --> 01:07:33,092
and their handling of the energy
price crisis at the time,

1324
01:07:33,092 --> 01:07:35,486
that she wouldn't be
the only old woman

1325
01:07:35,486 --> 01:07:37,140
to die in the coming months.

1326
01:07:37,140 --> 01:07:41,274
Right? Which was
fucking true and funny.

1327
01:07:41,274 --> 01:07:44,712
And then I said
the new head of state

1328
01:07:44,712 --> 01:07:47,237
is King Charles, a wee dog.

1329
01:07:47,237 --> 01:07:52,459
And that was it.
We moved on. Everybody laughed.

1330
01:07:52,459 --> 01:07:56,811
But somebody had recorded
a video of me opening the show

1331
01:07:56,811 --> 01:07:57,943
and uploaded it online

1332
01:07:57,943 --> 01:07:59,988
and that's where
the problem starts.

1333
01:07:59,988 --> 01:08:03,514
See, people who come to comedy
shows tend to be sound.

1334
01:08:03,514 --> 01:08:05,037
You come here for a laugh.

1335
01:08:05,037 --> 01:08:08,084
You don't come here for
an evening of good points.

1336
01:08:08,084 --> 01:08:09,998
"I hope I agree
with this person.

1337
01:08:09,998 --> 01:08:13,132
What a fucking night. I've never
agreed so much in my life."

1338
01:08:13,132 --> 01:08:16,440
- You come for a joke.

1339
01:08:16,440 --> 01:08:19,704
But somebody recorded a video
and put it online

1340
01:08:19,704 --> 01:08:22,533
and then I began trending
on Twitter.

1341
01:08:22,533 --> 01:08:25,753
For those of you unfamiliar
with Twitter parlance,

1342
01:08:25,753 --> 01:08:28,234
trending
means you're in trouble.

1343
01:08:29,409 --> 01:08:31,194
It's like being out
in the corridor

1344
01:08:31,194 --> 01:08:33,152
and everybody's
going fucking nuts.

1345
01:08:33,152 --> 01:08:36,590
And that's when
I realized that Twitter

1346
01:08:36,590 --> 01:08:39,202
is the VAR for stand-up comedy.

1347
01:08:39,202 --> 01:08:41,421
Cos everybody on the night laughed

1348
01:08:41,421 --> 01:08:45,033
and then the jokes
went to a Twitter VAR check

1349
01:08:45,033 --> 01:08:47,123
and they were disallowed.

1350
01:08:48,646 --> 01:08:52,215
That's what happens at every
comedy show in the world.

1351
01:08:53,607 --> 01:08:55,783
There's a check.

1352
01:08:57,220 --> 01:08:58,830
There'll be something
this evening.

1353
01:08:58,830 --> 01:09:00,136
There's something every night.

1354
01:09:00,136 --> 01:09:01,876
"I didn't like it when
he said cunt,

1355
01:09:01,876 --> 01:09:03,095
because my mum's a cunt."

1356
01:09:03,095 --> 01:09:06,533
There's always something
for these people.

1357
01:09:10,798 --> 01:09:12,191
And...

1358
01:09:12,191 --> 01:09:14,715
And, Owen, you're 17.
Owen, right?

1359
01:09:14,715 --> 01:09:16,761
Your generation,
you get the blame

1360
01:09:16,761 --> 01:09:18,415
for being easily offended.

1361
01:09:18,415 --> 01:09:19,981
That's what we say. Snowflakes.

1362
01:09:19,981 --> 01:09:22,158
That's what they call
your generation.

1363
01:09:22,158 --> 01:09:23,550
I mean, I don't blame them.

1364
01:09:23,550 --> 01:09:25,900
I just try and move
with the times, right?

1365
01:09:25,900 --> 01:09:28,425
I know they're a bit strange,
aren't they?

1366
01:09:28,425 --> 01:09:30,383
- You know what I mean?

1367
01:09:30,383 --> 01:09:32,951
They're a bit like...
I don't know.

1368
01:09:32,951 --> 01:09:35,258
They make me feel older
than I should feel.

1369
01:09:35,258 --> 01:09:37,695
Like other new celebrities, YouTubers.

1370
01:09:37,695 --> 01:09:39,349
I don't know who people are

1371
01:09:39,349 --> 01:09:42,221
until they're fighting
Floyd Mayweather.

1372
01:09:42,221 --> 01:09:46,225
- That's a strange age to be.

1373
01:09:46,225 --> 01:09:47,922
I'm saying, "Who's Logan Paul?"

1374
01:09:47,922 --> 01:09:49,620
"I don't know,
but a ten-year-old

1375
01:09:49,620 --> 01:09:51,665
would put a knife through
your windpipe

1376
01:09:51,665 --> 01:09:53,450
for a bottle
of his energy drink,

1377
01:09:53,450 --> 01:09:55,191
so he's done something right."

1378
01:09:56,366 --> 01:09:59,064
Fucking 25 quid for a bottle
of juice.

1379
01:09:59,064 --> 01:10:02,241
And then they're chain-vaping
their wee disposables,

1380
01:10:02,241 --> 01:10:03,764
their wee Elf Bars.

1381
01:10:03,764 --> 01:10:05,070
What happened to the youth

1382
01:10:05,070 --> 01:10:07,115
is the big tobacco companies thought,

1383
01:10:07,115 --> 01:10:09,814
"Not enough young people
are smoking cigarettes,

1384
01:10:09,814 --> 01:10:12,512
so why don't we get a packet
of Marlboro Red

1385
01:10:12,512 --> 01:10:15,820
and a packet
of Haribo Tangfastics and..."

1386
01:10:18,126 --> 01:10:21,608
"...and empty them into
a blender and get that liquid?

1387
01:10:21,608 --> 01:10:23,306
We'll put it in
a wee heated element

1388
01:10:23,306 --> 01:10:24,829
and take couple of puffs."

1389
01:10:24,829 --> 01:10:28,006
That's what started the vaping.
They're a strange bunch,

1390
01:10:28,006 --> 01:10:30,617
with their vapes
and their bottles of Prime,

1391
01:10:30,617 --> 01:10:34,621
and they're always fucking
whining about something.

1392
01:10:36,449 --> 01:10:39,104
The youth of today
are a strange bunch,

1393
01:10:39,104 --> 01:10:41,802
and if Michael Jackson
was still alive,

1394
01:10:41,802 --> 01:10:43,717
he'd be saying,
"I'm no' sharing a bed

1395
01:10:43,717 --> 01:10:45,284
with these fucking weirdos!"

1396
01:10:45,284 --> 01:10:48,461
- He'd be saying... Nah!

1397
01:10:53,901 --> 01:10:57,165
He'd... He'd be saying,
"Get me an adult in here

1398
01:10:57,165 --> 01:10:59,429
for a decent conversation!"

1399
01:11:02,910 --> 01:11:05,217
"Oh, it's my anxiety."

1400
01:11:05,217 --> 01:11:07,306
"Shut the fuck up, shamone!"

1401
01:11:12,050 --> 01:11:18,448
See, I don't believe
that they should...

1402
01:11:18,448 --> 01:11:20,058
Even Covid, that was...

1403
01:11:20,058 --> 01:11:23,409
The way children
were represented during Covid,

1404
01:11:23,409 --> 01:11:27,108
all that time
that they missed off school.

1405
01:11:27,108 --> 01:11:29,633
That was all you would see
on the telly,

1406
01:11:29,633 --> 01:11:32,636
the wee stressed-out
dweebs complaining.

1407
01:11:34,072 --> 01:11:36,901
"We are being robbed
of our futures.

1408
01:11:36,901 --> 01:11:40,078
Covid has stolen
our education from us!

1409
01:11:40,078 --> 01:11:41,906
We'll never get this time back

1410
01:11:41,906 --> 01:11:44,343
and we are
the forsaken generation!"

1411
01:11:44,343 --> 01:11:46,345
And that's when I thought,
"Fuck off!"

1412
01:11:46,345 --> 01:11:49,087
There's no way that was
an accurate representation

1413
01:11:49,087 --> 01:11:55,311
of every child's attitude to
such lengthy spells off school.

1414
01:11:55,311 --> 01:11:58,183
Would it have been too much
to have heard from the kids

1415
01:11:58,183 --> 01:12:02,361
who hit the jackpot
during that whole time?

1416
01:12:02,361 --> 01:12:04,929
They never had to sit exams.

1417
01:12:04,929 --> 01:12:08,715
Wow! What a time
to be fucking stupid!

1418
01:12:15,983 --> 01:12:17,594
Stick one of <i>them</i> on the telly.

1419
01:12:17,594 --> 01:12:23,817
I bet some belters made it to
university the past few years.

1420
01:12:23,817 --> 01:12:26,646
Put them on the telly.
Cheer people up a bit.

1421
01:12:26,646 --> 01:12:29,301
"I was gonna do
travel and tourism,

1422
01:12:29,301 --> 01:12:31,825
but I got
into medical school."

1423
01:12:41,531 --> 01:12:44,621
"It's cos I've got
emotional intelligence,

1424
01:12:44,621 --> 01:12:46,187
everybody tells me!"

1425
01:12:46,187 --> 01:12:47,667
That's the new polite way

1426
01:12:47,667 --> 01:12:50,801
of telling a child
he's a fucking dunce, innit?

1427
01:12:57,068 --> 01:12:58,722
See, I'm trying.
I try and keep...

1428
01:12:58,722 --> 01:13:02,856
I don't want to be a dinosaur,
Owen. Right, I'll tell you...

1429
01:13:02,856 --> 01:13:04,423
I try and stay open-minded.

1430
01:13:04,423 --> 01:13:06,425
I try and stay...
I try and understand

1431
01:13:06,425 --> 01:13:08,514
the generations
behind me and all that.

1432
01:13:08,514 --> 01:13:11,691
I try and stay woke.
It's just hard.

1433
01:13:11,691 --> 01:13:15,521
It's hard to keep up with
the constant software updates.

1434
01:13:15,521 --> 01:13:19,133
There's always something new,
like... I'm helping my mum.

1435
01:13:19,133 --> 01:13:21,397
My mum is in the process
of moving house, right,

1436
01:13:21,397 --> 01:13:23,747
and we found a box
in my mum's loft.

1437
01:13:23,747 --> 01:13:26,402
We're clearing out
all the old shit.

1438
01:13:26,402 --> 01:13:28,839
Found a box full
of my old school books

1439
01:13:28,839 --> 01:13:31,407
and a bit of nostalgia
got the better of me.

1440
01:13:31,407 --> 01:13:33,583
I'm looking through
all my old school books

1441
01:13:33,583 --> 01:13:36,455
and on the front
of one of the school books,

1442
01:13:36,455 --> 01:13:38,065
there was graffiti.

1443
01:13:38,065 --> 01:13:41,242
It said... This might be a bit
Scottish, but I will translate.

1444
01:13:41,242 --> 01:13:43,723
It said, "Your maw."
Right, you get that.

1445
01:13:43,723 --> 01:13:48,075
It said, "Your maw's got baws."

1446
01:13:48,075 --> 01:13:50,904
Right? Baws are balls.

1447
01:13:50,904 --> 01:13:55,866
It said, "Your maw's got baws
and your da loves it."

1448
01:13:55,866 --> 01:13:59,913
- Now this...

1449
01:13:59,913 --> 01:14:04,178
This was a very common insult
in Glasgow in the late '90s,

1450
01:14:04,178 --> 01:14:07,355
but I'm now reading it in 2023,

1451
01:14:07,355 --> 01:14:11,751
thinking how this has aged beautifully

1452
01:14:11,751 --> 01:14:16,408
into an empowering, uplifting
message of self-acceptance.

1453
01:14:16,408 --> 01:14:19,150
If I showed that
to Owen's generation,

1454
01:14:19,150 --> 01:14:21,979
they would get
fucking emotional.

1455
01:14:24,155 --> 01:14:25,591
"Oh, my God.

1456
01:14:31,945 --> 01:14:34,426
Isn't that just beautiful
what they wrote?

1457
01:14:34,426 --> 01:14:36,733
'Your maw's got baws
and your da loves it.'

1458
01:14:36,733 --> 01:14:41,433
Your mother found the courage
to embrace her true identity

1459
01:14:41,433 --> 01:14:43,783
and your father was supportive.

1460
01:14:46,830 --> 01:14:48,396
Beautiful."

1461
01:14:49,702 --> 01:14:52,488
See, that's how woke a city
Glasgow is.

1462
01:14:52,488 --> 01:14:54,272
We don't get enough credit

1463
01:14:54,272 --> 01:14:57,362
for how open-minded
and progressive we are.

1464
01:14:57,362 --> 01:15:00,713
And sometimes, we don't mean it.
Sometimes it's very subtle.

1465
01:15:00,713 --> 01:15:02,802
Like, I was in a taxi in Glasgow

1466
01:15:02,802 --> 01:15:05,675
and the taxi driver
had recognized me

1467
01:15:05,675 --> 01:15:06,937
and he was telling me

1468
01:15:06,937 --> 01:15:09,374
how difficult it is
to be a comedian.

1469
01:15:09,374 --> 01:15:12,203
He's telling me, right?

1470
01:15:12,203 --> 01:15:15,511
He's going... Right, every taxi
driver in Glasgow is a savant.

1471
01:15:15,511 --> 01:15:17,121
He's going, "Must be hard, eh?

1472
01:15:17,121 --> 01:15:19,427
Must be fucking hard
being a comedian.

1473
01:15:19,427 --> 01:15:22,169
You cannae joke
about anything these days.

1474
01:15:22,169 --> 01:15:24,041
You cannae say anything."

1475
01:15:24,041 --> 01:15:26,304
And then the conversation

1476
01:15:26,304 --> 01:15:30,003
naturally led to the subject
of Sam Smith

1477
01:15:30,003 --> 01:15:32,789
and the driver...

1478
01:15:32,789 --> 01:15:34,573
The driver said, "Sam Smith.

1479
01:15:34,573 --> 01:15:37,184
Did you see what that cunt
was wearing?

1480
01:15:37,184 --> 01:15:41,493
Did you see what that cunt
was wearing at the Brit Awards?"

1481
01:15:41,493 --> 01:15:43,843
And I thought,
"Bravo, driver, bravo.

1482
01:15:43,843 --> 01:15:45,584
You have educated yourself.

1483
01:15:45,584 --> 01:15:47,586
What a proud moment this is

1484
01:15:47,586 --> 01:15:50,502
to hear such
a progressive attitude."

1485
01:15:50,502 --> 01:15:55,072
Because in Glasgow, "that cunt"
is a gender-neutral pronoun.

1486
01:15:55,072 --> 01:15:58,031
- I thought, "Bravo, driver.

1487
01:15:59,642 --> 01:16:01,600
This has given me hope.
If you had said,

1488
01:16:01,600 --> 01:16:04,995
'Did you see what <i>he</i> was
wearing at the Brit Awards?',

1489
01:16:04,995 --> 01:16:09,173
I would have stormed
out of this taxi in disgust!

1490
01:16:09,173 --> 01:16:12,698
I would've said, 'Don't you dare
misgender that cunt!

1491
01:16:12,698 --> 01:16:13,786
How dare you?'"

1492
01:16:16,136 --> 01:16:18,617
There's always been
easily offended people

1493
01:16:18,617 --> 01:16:21,577
and I will defend
millennials like myself

1494
01:16:21,577 --> 01:16:23,927
and the generation
younger than me,

1495
01:16:23,927 --> 01:16:25,842
cos 36
is a good vantage point

1496
01:16:25,842 --> 01:16:29,585
to tell the youth what the older
people used to be like.

1497
01:16:29,585 --> 01:16:31,674
They were
the original snowflakes.

1498
01:16:31,674 --> 01:16:33,327
They were easily offended.

1499
01:16:33,327 --> 01:16:34,894
And it's summed up in a game

1500
01:16:34,894 --> 01:16:37,114
that a lot of you
probably played,

1501
01:16:37,114 --> 01:16:40,639
the game called chap, door,
runaway in Glasgow,

1502
01:16:40,639 --> 01:16:43,686
er, knock... knock a door, run,
knock-a-dally,

1503
01:16:43,686 --> 01:16:46,297
knock down ginger,
whatever it was called.

1504
01:16:46,297 --> 01:16:48,691
The game has largely
gone extinct, Owen.

1505
01:16:48,691 --> 01:16:52,608
The game, it involved...
You would come home from school.

1506
01:16:52,608 --> 01:16:54,174
I'll tell you the premise
of the game,

1507
01:16:54,174 --> 01:16:55,480
for those of you unfamiliar.

1508
01:16:55,480 --> 01:16:56,829
You'd come home from school,

1509
01:16:56,829 --> 01:16:58,875
you would change
out of your school uniform

1510
01:16:58,875 --> 01:17:00,398
and into your civilian wear

1511
01:17:00,398 --> 01:17:02,966
and then you go and would
meet up with your associates

1512
01:17:02,966 --> 01:17:06,186
and you would patrol
your neighborhood aimlessly.

1513
01:17:06,186 --> 01:17:09,276
And then, at one stage in
the evening, you'd play the game

1514
01:17:09,276 --> 01:17:11,801
where you'd walk up
to people's houses

1515
01:17:11,801 --> 01:17:14,760
and you would knock on the door
and run away,

1516
01:17:14,760 --> 01:17:17,502
confident in the knowledge
that the man,

1517
01:17:17,502 --> 01:17:21,288
always the man of the house,
was gonna come to his door,

1518
01:17:21,288 --> 01:17:25,989
expecting to greet somebody
as the knock suggested.

1519
01:17:25,989 --> 01:17:29,557
But instead, he would see
you and your associates

1520
01:17:29,557 --> 01:17:33,344
fleeing his property
and laughing,

1521
01:17:33,344 --> 01:17:38,175
and that would trigger
a reaction so strong in that man

1522
01:17:38,175 --> 01:17:40,612
that he would abandon
whatever plans

1523
01:17:40,612 --> 01:17:42,353
he had made for his evening,

1524
01:17:42,353 --> 01:17:44,703
whatever he was gonna watch
on the telly,

1525
01:17:44,703 --> 01:17:48,402
whatever he was gonna eat
for his tea, insignificant.

1526
01:17:48,402 --> 01:17:50,666
The only thing
on that man's mind

1527
01:17:50,666 --> 01:17:52,624
from that moment henceforth

1528
01:17:52,624 --> 01:17:55,366
was hunting you
and your associates down

1529
01:17:55,366 --> 01:17:58,238
for as long
as he deemed necessary.

1530
01:17:58,238 --> 01:18:00,893
Now, that's a fucking snowflake.

1531
01:18:00,893 --> 01:18:04,505
You never damaged his door.
You never entered his property.

1532
01:18:04,505 --> 01:18:06,507
You knocked the door
and ran away.

1533
01:18:06,507 --> 01:18:08,727
Now for context,
as a millennial,

1534
01:18:08,727 --> 01:18:10,642
if somebody knocks on my door,

1535
01:18:10,642 --> 01:18:12,949
I'll look at my wife.
My wife looks at me.

1536
01:18:12,949 --> 01:18:14,559
We both look at our phones.

1537
01:18:14,559 --> 01:18:17,954
"Did you just order some...?
Are you waiting for somebody?

1538
01:18:17,954 --> 01:18:20,478
Are you expecting anything?
No. Same here.

1539
01:18:20,478 --> 01:18:24,264
Let's just stay calm and
hopefully they will fuck off."

1540
01:18:31,794 --> 01:18:35,754
Or maybe one of us
would tiptoe over to a window

1541
01:18:35,754 --> 01:18:39,540
to get a visual on the door,
stealth-like.

1542
01:18:39,540 --> 01:18:40,933
And if there was nobody there,

1543
01:18:40,933 --> 01:18:42,892
and I'd just seen kids
running away,

1544
01:18:42,892 --> 01:18:44,807
I would think, "Thank fuck!"

1545
01:18:44,807 --> 01:18:48,419
I thought there was actually
somebody at the door.

1546
01:18:48,419 --> 01:18:52,858
I thought I was poised to have
a human interaction there,

1547
01:18:52,858 --> 01:18:54,555
an unplanned human...

1548
01:18:54,555 --> 01:18:58,298
Who needs that shit
on a Tuesday night in 2023?

1549
01:18:58,298 --> 01:19:01,345
I was quite enjoying
sitting on the couch

1550
01:19:01,345 --> 01:19:03,216
in the basement of my mind.

1551
01:19:03,216 --> 01:19:05,828
I thought I was gonna have
to come up to reception

1552
01:19:05,828 --> 01:19:09,527
to go live
and greet somebody!

1553
01:19:11,181 --> 01:19:13,313
I could only imagine
saying to my wife,

1554
01:19:13,313 --> 01:19:14,662
"I'm heading out there

1555
01:19:14,662 --> 01:19:17,709
to hunt these wee bastards
down." Unthinkable!

1556
01:19:17,709 --> 01:19:21,539
"Where's my Trespass fleece,
darling? I might be a while!"

1557
01:19:22,801 --> 01:19:25,325
"I cannot be expected
to show restraint

1558
01:19:25,325 --> 01:19:28,764
in the face
of such blatant provocation!"

1559
01:19:28,764 --> 01:19:31,984
I could only imagine my wife
on the phone to her mother,

1560
01:19:31,984 --> 01:19:35,292
"A bunch of kids knocked
on the door and ran away,

1561
01:19:35,292 --> 01:19:37,816
so that'll be Kevin
for the night."

1562
01:19:41,689 --> 01:19:43,648
They're the snowflakes!

1563
01:19:46,042 --> 01:19:49,654
They were the real snowflakes,
the older generations.

1564
01:19:49,654 --> 01:19:51,699
I remember spending hours
in exile,

1565
01:19:51,699 --> 01:19:53,789
cos you'd knocked
on the wrong door.

1566
01:19:53,789 --> 01:19:58,532
Having to hide in bin sheds.
The street lights would come on.

1567
01:19:59,620 --> 01:20:01,318
Somebody in your platoon

1568
01:20:01,318 --> 01:20:04,625
would eventually crack
and start crying.

1569
01:20:04,625 --> 01:20:07,846
"Do you think he's still
fucking coming for us?"

1570
01:20:07,846 --> 01:20:10,544
"Just keep your voice down.
He could be anywhere!"

1571
01:20:10,544 --> 01:20:14,374
"I just really...
I just want to go home.

1572
01:20:14,374 --> 01:20:15,723
This has been hours.

1573
01:20:15,723 --> 01:20:18,596
Why do youse always knock
Harry McMaster's door?

1574
01:20:18,596 --> 01:20:22,469
You know he's a loose cannon!"
"Just fucking shut up!"

1575
01:20:22,469 --> 01:20:24,428
"It's all right
for everybody else.

1576
01:20:24,428 --> 01:20:27,474
I'm the one that needs
to walk back past his door.

1577
01:20:27,474 --> 01:20:29,215
He's gonna get me on my own!"

1578
01:20:30,782 --> 01:20:32,131
Children reduced to tears

1579
01:20:32,131 --> 01:20:34,351
for knocking a door
and running away.

1580
01:20:34,351 --> 01:20:36,005
That's a snowflake.

1581
01:20:36,005 --> 01:20:38,398
Right, if that was me,
I would just stand at my window

1582
01:20:38,398 --> 01:20:39,704
and say to my wife,

1583
01:20:39,704 --> 01:20:41,880
"Isn't it great to see children
out playing?"

1584
01:20:41,880 --> 01:20:44,361
- That's how we handle that!

1585
01:20:44,361 --> 01:20:46,537
- Anyway!

1586
01:20:46,537 --> 01:20:50,106
Ladies and gentlemen,
what an audience!

1587
01:20:50,106 --> 01:20:55,720
Er, what a venue! What a city!
Thanks for listening!

1588
01:20:55,720 --> 01:20:58,331
- Take care of yourselves.

1589
01:20:58,331 --> 01:21:00,420
Thank you!

1590
01:21:03,554 --> 01:21:07,253
Goodnight! Peace!
Thank you! Thank you very much!

1591
01:21:32,888 --> 01:21:34,411
Yes, thank you.

1592
01:21:34,411 --> 01:21:38,241
That's just a wee optional
ending for any....

1593
01:21:38,241 --> 01:21:41,026
for anybody
who really needed a piss.

1594
01:21:41,026 --> 01:21:42,201
Er...

1595
01:21:42,201 --> 01:21:44,290
Thank you, genuinely.

1596
01:21:44,290 --> 01:21:46,945
The warmth in here's been
amazing and it's appreciated.

1597
01:21:46,945 --> 01:21:51,645
- So, thank you, people, yes!

1598
01:21:51,645 --> 01:21:54,431
- It's er...

1599
01:21:57,042 --> 01:21:59,001
I hope I finished
on a nice message,

1600
01:21:59,001 --> 01:22:01,264
a bit of hope
for the young team there.

1601
01:22:01,264 --> 01:22:02,918
Just trying to defend 'em,

1602
01:22:02,918 --> 01:22:05,311
cos they've got a lot
going on, haven't they?

1603
01:22:05,311 --> 01:22:07,705
We've got climate change
and stuff like that.

1604
01:22:07,705 --> 01:22:10,926
Every news story's so intense,
innit? And it's quite hard.

1605
01:22:10,926 --> 01:22:15,582
That's a difficult one,
if you're Scottish or Irish,

1606
01:22:15,582 --> 01:22:18,194
to really give a fuck!

1607
01:22:19,630 --> 01:22:23,199
I know it's a serious issue,
but we're only Scottish.

1608
01:22:23,199 --> 01:22:25,984
We're only Irish.
It's quite hard to have...

1609
01:22:25,984 --> 01:22:30,293
It's pretty low down
on a list of immediate concerns,

1610
01:22:30,293 --> 01:22:35,298
the planet getting warmer.
Like, we even hosted

1611
01:22:35,298 --> 01:22:39,693
the United Nations Climate
Change Conference.

1612
01:22:39,693 --> 01:22:45,003
That was held in Glasgow
in November 2021.

1613
01:22:45,003 --> 01:22:46,962
Glasgow in November!

1614
01:22:46,962 --> 01:22:49,225
That is a tough fucking crowd

1615
01:22:49,225 --> 01:22:52,880
to spread alarm
about the planet heating up!

1616
01:22:52,880 --> 01:22:56,972
We had Greta shouting at us.
"How dare you?"

1617
01:22:56,972 --> 01:22:59,931
"What the fuck have we done?
It's fucking freezing!"

1618
01:23:06,720 --> 01:23:08,026
"If we don't act now,

1619
01:23:08,026 --> 01:23:11,682
the planet's gonna
be two degrees warmer by 2050."

1620
01:23:11,682 --> 01:23:13,901
"Oh, no!"

1621
01:23:17,427 --> 01:23:19,516
I might need to ditch a vest!

1622
01:23:25,043 --> 01:23:27,785
In Scotland, we'll reap
the benefits of climate change.

1623
01:23:27,785 --> 01:23:30,788
We'll become, like,
a resort when...

1624
01:23:30,788 --> 01:23:33,399
Cos we love...
We appreciate...

1625
01:23:33,399 --> 01:23:34,792
We appreciate nice weather

1626
01:23:34,792 --> 01:23:36,663
more than any country
in the world,

1627
01:23:36,663 --> 01:23:39,144
and maybe it's time
to switch it up a bit.

1628
01:23:39,144 --> 01:23:43,975
Maybe nice weather has been
wasted on too many countries.

1629
01:23:45,716 --> 01:23:47,892
Well, like Iraq.

1630
01:23:47,892 --> 01:23:49,937
- Like Iraq.

1631
01:23:51,722 --> 01:23:53,071
In my whole adult life,

1632
01:23:53,071 --> 01:23:55,726
I've watched the news
go live to Fallujah

1633
01:23:55,726 --> 01:23:59,338
and it's never a happy story.
There's a big blue sky.

1634
01:23:59,338 --> 01:24:01,862
The reporter's
got a wee short-sleeve shirt on.

1635
01:24:01,862 --> 01:24:06,650
He's never reporting live
from a pool party. He's never...

1636
01:24:06,650 --> 01:24:09,392
"So, Gordon, back to you
in the studio."

1637
01:24:09,392 --> 01:24:11,176
Getting fucking, "Whoa!"

1638
01:24:12,656 --> 01:24:15,702
It's always misery. Oh.

1639
01:24:15,702 --> 01:24:18,270
"Violent clashes here
between Sunni and Shiites."

1640
01:24:18,270 --> 01:24:21,882
Come on, man.
Religious violence in that heat.

1641
01:24:21,882 --> 01:24:24,276
It's too nice a day for that.

1642
01:24:24,276 --> 01:24:26,539
- Come on!

1643
01:24:28,063 --> 01:24:30,804
Leave that to Scotland
and Northern Ireland, man.

1644
01:24:30,804 --> 01:24:34,025
Sectarian violence
is a winter sport!

1645
01:24:42,686 --> 01:24:45,254
Why do Catholics and Protestants
hate each other?

1646
01:24:45,254 --> 01:24:49,127
Because it's fucking raining,
that's why!

1647
01:24:49,127 --> 01:24:53,088
I've got hope. I've got hope for
the youth. Like, I believe...

1648
01:24:53,088 --> 01:24:55,568
Childhood, that's what kids
need to realize.

1649
01:24:55,568 --> 01:24:58,484
When they're suffering
and they're worried about stuff,

1650
01:24:58,484 --> 01:24:59,790
but I think a lot of kids

1651
01:24:59,790 --> 01:25:02,227
need to realize
that life is long, right?

1652
01:25:02,227 --> 01:25:04,708
It's not about
being a kid, right?

1653
01:25:04,708 --> 01:25:10,105
For example, some people just
don't suit being certain ages.

1654
01:25:10,105 --> 01:25:13,151
I was shite at being a kid.
I was quite anxious and nervous,

1655
01:25:13,151 --> 01:25:17,286
but then, my time came.
I came good in the end, right?

1656
01:25:17,286 --> 01:25:20,724
A school bully, for example.
A school bully is just somebody

1657
01:25:20,724 --> 01:25:24,467
who was good at being 15
when you look back at life.

1658
01:25:24,467 --> 01:25:26,730
The youth,
they've got it difficult.

1659
01:25:26,730 --> 01:25:28,123
They get cyberbullied.

1660
01:25:28,123 --> 01:25:31,517
We don't know what that's like
to grow up online.

1661
01:25:31,517 --> 01:25:33,780
At least...
There's always been bullying,

1662
01:25:33,780 --> 01:25:36,827
but at least back in the day,
the hours were better.

1663
01:25:36,827 --> 01:25:41,092
It was only Monday to Friday,
nine till three,

1664
01:25:41,092 --> 01:25:43,573
excluding summer holidays,
Christmas, Easter.

1665
01:25:43,573 --> 01:25:47,403
It was a skive realistically
in comparison to them.

1666
01:25:47,403 --> 01:25:49,405
They can't even play
the PlayStation

1667
01:25:49,405 --> 01:25:51,842
without getting abuse
over the speakers,

1668
01:25:51,842 --> 01:25:53,452
as I learned during lockdown.

1669
01:25:53,452 --> 01:25:57,195
I bought myself a PlayStation,
playing FIFA. I'm a bit rusty.

1670
01:25:57,195 --> 01:25:59,371
I'm getting hammered
by kids online

1671
01:25:59,371 --> 01:26:01,112
and I'm playing Liverpool.

1672
01:26:01,112 --> 01:26:02,853
I'm getting beat about five-nil,

1673
01:26:02,853 --> 01:26:06,204
and then a Scouse accent starts
blaring through the telly.

1674
01:26:06,204 --> 01:26:09,207
The kid I'm playing
wants me to quit the game

1675
01:26:09,207 --> 01:26:10,426
because I'm boring him.

1676
01:26:10,426 --> 01:26:12,602
I'm no' giving him
enough of a challenge.

1677
01:26:12,602 --> 01:26:14,299
He's going, "Fucking seriously,

1678
01:26:14,299 --> 01:26:16,823
why are you still fucking here?
You're so shit.

1679
01:26:16,823 --> 01:26:22,133
Just fucking quit the game, lad.
You're so fucking shit."

1680
01:26:22,133 --> 01:26:23,874
And the longer I played on,

1681
01:26:23,874 --> 01:26:26,311
the more hostile
the abuse became.

1682
01:26:26,311 --> 01:26:29,532
"Seriously, lad, if you don't
fucking quit, I'm gonna find ya!

1683
01:26:29,532 --> 01:26:32,535
I'm gonna slit your fucking
throat, lad, when I find you."

1684
01:26:32,535 --> 01:26:36,365
And my wife walked in
to ask me if I was all right!

1685
01:26:39,237 --> 01:26:41,196
It took me straight back
to school,

1686
01:26:41,196 --> 01:26:43,589
like when my mum
had witnessed me being picked on

1687
01:26:43,589 --> 01:26:45,069
and you try and downplay it.

1688
01:26:45,069 --> 01:26:46,549
I'm going, "Aye, I'm all right.

1689
01:26:46,549 --> 01:26:48,681
He's having a laugh.
It's my mate!

1690
01:26:50,117 --> 01:26:52,946
Cos I threatened
to slit his throat last night.

1691
01:26:52,946 --> 01:26:54,557
That's just our humor!"

1692
01:26:57,647 --> 01:27:01,303
I look back and that's what
I will teach my son,

1693
01:27:01,303 --> 01:27:02,695
that your time comes.

1694
01:27:02,695 --> 01:27:05,002
If my son was ever
being bullied, I'll teach him

1695
01:27:05,002 --> 01:27:09,049
a school bully is just somebody
who was good at being 15,

1696
01:27:09,049 --> 01:27:11,487
somebody who abused that power

1697
01:27:11,487 --> 01:27:13,750
and everybody else
was a work in progress.

1698
01:27:13,750 --> 01:27:16,840
If my son was being bullied,
I would take him to Ladbrokes.

1699
01:27:16,840 --> 01:27:20,583
I'd take him to the bookie's
on a Friday afternoon.

1700
01:27:20,583 --> 01:27:24,021
I'd take him to my
old school bully. I'd say...

1701
01:27:26,197 --> 01:27:29,940
I'd say, "We're not gonna laugh
at this guy, son.

1702
01:27:29,940 --> 01:27:33,944
We're gonna learn from this guy.
That guy.

1703
01:27:33,944 --> 01:27:36,251
See that guy that just punched
the fruit machine?

1704
01:27:36,251 --> 01:27:39,863
That guy.
He was an amazing 15-year-old.

1705
01:27:39,863 --> 01:27:41,865
Oh, he was the main man.

1706
01:27:41,865 --> 01:27:44,520
If you were ever late
for a class in school,

1707
01:27:44,520 --> 01:27:46,609
you'd be sprinting
down the corridor.

1708
01:27:46,609 --> 01:27:49,829
He would be standing
in the corridor shouting,

1709
01:27:49,829 --> 01:27:53,529
'Run if you're gay.'
And you would have to...

1710
01:27:58,751 --> 01:28:00,449
Cos we lived under his regime

1711
01:28:00,449 --> 01:28:05,149
and that's the stuff that
made you the man at being 15.

1712
01:28:05,149 --> 01:28:07,934
But the problem is
that life is not about being 15.

1713
01:28:07,934 --> 01:28:10,023
And that is pretty much
where we left that guy.

1714
01:28:10,023 --> 01:28:12,809
One day, people just kept on
running down that corridor.

1715
01:28:12,809 --> 01:28:14,985
That's where we left that guy.
That's what happens.

1716
01:28:14,985 --> 01:28:17,335
Just get to know yourself.
Your time will come.

1717
01:28:17,335 --> 01:28:18,293
What was that, son?

1718
01:28:18,293 --> 01:28:19,555
Ah, I never seen him swim.

1719
01:28:19,555 --> 01:28:21,513
I don't know,
but that's your man."

1720
01:28:21,513 --> 01:28:25,822
-"Just get to know yourself.

1721
01:28:25,822 --> 01:28:27,432
Be an individual."

1722
01:28:28,868 --> 01:28:31,131
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen
of Cork,

1723
01:28:31,131 --> 01:28:33,699
can I hear a massive
round of applause

1724
01:28:33,699 --> 01:28:36,485
for my wife Kerry
and my mother Patricia

1725
01:28:36,485 --> 01:28:40,315
who have traveled over
to see the show this evening?

1726
01:28:45,755 --> 01:28:50,934
And this is
a... an emotional one.

1727
01:28:50,934 --> 01:28:53,632
This is the first special
that I've recorded

1728
01:28:53,632 --> 01:28:55,199
without my dad being here.

1729
01:28:55,199 --> 01:28:56,940
Those of you
who maybe read my book

1730
01:28:56,940 --> 01:29:00,117
know my dad took me
to my first gig when I was 17

1731
01:29:00,117 --> 01:29:03,686
and we drove all round Scotland
playing pubs to 15, 20 people,

1732
01:29:03,686 --> 01:29:06,689
and I never believed it would
come to selling out places

1733
01:29:06,689 --> 01:29:08,647
and recording specials,
but my dad did,

1734
01:29:08,647 --> 01:29:10,519
and it's a pleasure
to prove him right.

1735
01:29:10,519 --> 01:29:13,348
He passed away this year,
so this is for my dad.

1736
01:29:13,348 --> 01:29:14,697
To Big Andy Bridges!

1737
01:29:14,697 --> 01:29:17,526
Thanks for listening.
Take care of yourselves!

1738
01:29:17,526 --> 01:29:21,660
Thank you! The craic has been
mighty as always in Ireland.

1739
01:29:21,660 --> 01:29:24,794
- Take care! Thanks!