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♪ Empty bottle, empty, empty bottle ♪
♪ Empty drinks for you
♪ As I watched the smoke settle on the palms ♪
♪ I hear a whisper through the trees ♪
♪ A little dream I had when I was but a lad ♪
♪ That life is surely beaten and set free ♪
♪ And now I am the king of absolutely nothing ♪
♪ A belly that is proud and full ♪
- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Kyle Kinane.
Hello!
Thank you, wow.
Salt Lake City, natural choice.
For profanity-laden standup comedies.
"What's your target demo, Kyle?"
"Oh, polygamist snowboarders, of course."
Thank you for having me to record this special,
I do appreciate it.
I'm just happy to be out in the world.
I'm happy to be back doing live comedy.
We've been back for a little while, but I just, I need this.
I can't perform comedy without the checks and balances
of a human interaction.
You know, over the pandemic, I was writing
what I thought was comedy,
but I didn't have this checks and balance system.
Turns out I was just writing little manifestos.
That's all I was writing.
I was writing little manifestos
and I wouldn't find out about that until, like,
just weeks later, when I would do a Zoom comedy show,
which was just the bane of my existence,
I'd just sit there, and just in my room, write a joke, like,
"That's perfect, I've never written anything funnier."
And then, just sit in the darkness for weeks with a bottle,
and then my computer would light up like,
"Time for Zoom comedy."
And I would just lean in.
I was just pale and too close to the camera.
Just like every conspiracy theorist, like,
"5G makes 'em read your mind!"
Like that was...
Just too close with, like, one weird lamp
offset in the background, to do comedy.
And they're like, "All right, Kyle, you're up."
And I just say some shit like,
"The problem with the left is that we're too empathetic
to people with mental health issues
and that's why we'll never produce a viable assassin."
They're like, "Oh. Hey."
You can't, that's not like, ha ha, I get it, but you can't,
you can't say that, not on Zoom, anyway.
They're recording this, now you gotta explain jokes
to the FBI, is that what you wanted to do?
Now you explain comedy to the Feds.
Even just the minutiae of doing live stand up,
I mean, the stuff that comes along with it.
I'm excited to be back to even the traveling elements.
I'll be happy, I'm excited to be on airplanes again.
I'm sure that'll get obnoxious soon enough,
but I just like being on there.
I like saying thank you to the pilot
when I walk off the plane.
I like doing that.
How many people say thank you to the pilot
when you get off the plane?
All right, it's a decent amount, but it's not everybody.
What's wrong with you?
Why you gotta be a jerk? That's all they want.
That's all a pilot wants.
If you fly, that's the first thing.
As soon as they park, the door just flies open at the front.
They're just like...
"Hey, did you notice how we didn't all die?
You're welcome.
You're welcome for that. I did that for you."
And we all just shuffle off in our pajama bottoms and Crocs,
like "Don't make eye contact with me."
So rude, that's all they want, is a thank you for that job.
They're up there. They're tucked in up there.
They are tucked in with dress shoes the whole time.
And we're back there with, like, half a boner in sweatpants,
nodding off on pills and tiny bottles of booze.
They're wearing a goddamn sport coat up there for you.
If you ever look in a cockpit, it's a panic room.
It's just a chamber, it's a chamber of anxiety
for anybody that doesn't know.
And they know, they know all the buttons, all the switches.
They know what to do. The windshield, that's arbitrary.
That's for us.
If a pilot sees something wrong out the windshield,
we're dead, we're already dead.
Nobody's gonna get on a plane without a windshield.
That's for you guys to feel all right.
If something's going wrong out there, we're fucked, man.
We're just straight up fucked. I'll tell you that.
At the beginning, they get in there and just know,
they're like, every switch, they're like,
"Don't die, don't die, don't die.
Will not die. We won't die here.
Won't die if I do that.
Better not die, better not die, better not die.
Here's the big old good luck lever. We need that.
Don't die, shit, almost,
if I didn't do this, we would've definitely died.
Look, thank God, don't die.
And here we go, not dying."
And then we're all just hungover, shuffling off, like
"The landing was a little choppy, I don't know."
Meanwhile, I will tip a Lyft driver
like an angel that walks the earth.
I will just throw my whole wallet at somebody, like,
"Thank you for being a literal messenger from God
who drove me home from the bar that I walked to
five hours ago.
You're the most blessed angel. What's your name?
I'm gonna name my first born child after you.
They're already born, but they suck,
and maybe with your name, they'll be better.
So, I'm gonna call 'em that and that's,
thank you for your service."
I've said thank you for your service to a Lyft driver
more than I've ever said to anybody
in an actual military uniform.
Even the little things about traveling,
like even just staying in hotels,
I have to stay in hotels for this.
And I like staying in hotels.
They're always tidier than I keep my own place. I like that.
I'm like, "Oh, that's what a made bed...
Look at that.
It's just not this omelet of blankets that's on top, Okay."
And don't be the per, there's always somebody like,
"I like staying in hotels."
Somebody's like, "Hotels are filthy.
I'm gonna show you a YouTube video where somebody went in
with a black light."
Don't! Don't do that.
Don't be that person. I know, I'm not an asshole.
I'm aware of what the world is like.
Let people like what they like.
Don't think that you're better
because you ruined what somebody else enjoys.
"Oh, you like hotels?
Don't look behind the curtains. That's where the..."
That's the type of person that's like, "Oh, you like shrimp?
You know that line on the back is poop."
Shut the fuck up. Let people like what they like.
I know that hotels can be horrifying places,
but I don't look under the bed,
I don't do the little dust check on stuff.
I just need the illusion of cleanliness.
I don't look at the pillows. God forbid.
Don't, just don't.
If you're, never look at pillows, just do that for yourself.
If you're a single man in here, leave now.
Go buy new pillows. Go right now.
You're like, "Why?"
That's why. That's why.
Go right now, you can go to Bed, Bath & Beyond,
stop at anybody's mailbox.
Take their coupon out of it.
Get 20% off.
Doing bed laundry in the daylight,
linens if you're classy.
I was doing my bed laundry in the daylight sober,
so I was retaining details
and I went to unsheathe the pillow
because you, the pillow case,
that's the case for the pillow that preserves the pillow.
Does not, I...
I don't even know how I got pillows.
Nobody remembers, especially dudes,
you don't remember when you bought pillows.
I moved to Los Angeles in 2003 with one pillow.
Eventually I had five pillows,
At one point seven, then down to three.
No idea, it's just like living in a hostel.
Some, you got friends come and go.
And I unsheathed what I assumed to be a pillow one day
in the daylight, and what I extracted
from that pillow case, it had the same just texture
and patina as a wild west wanted poster.
It was just...
It was gold and slick.
The edges were crumbly and curled. One side was burnt.
How did that even happen?
It looked like a map to the new world.
That's what it looked like.
It looked like it clearly,
like whatever fluids come out of my face at night had just,
the liquid had just expanded
and then create rudimentary coastlines
of the Americas over here.
You know, you could tell this is how they went
from the Mediterranean to here.
This is where the old gays went looking for spices
back in the day, that's how we got the spots.
That's what happened when you were gay back in the day
and you couldn't tell people in the 1300s in Europe
that you're gay, just like,
"Me and the boys, we're going on cruise,"
and that's, that's how you had to be gay.
Like, "What are you gonna do?"
Like, "We're looking for cinnamon."
That's gay, that's super gay.
But that's what they had to do, so thank them for that.
You thank them for the spices?
This part of the pillow just says, "Here be monsters."
That's all it says there,
just browns and yellows and different,
and whatever does that to the pillow comes out of my head,
comes outta my head at night,
at night when you don't know what's happening.
Your unconscious being protects you of the horrors
of your physical realm at that point.
We all think like, "Oh, I snore, but probably cute like.
Probably whimpers and wheezes.
Probably like a new little kitten."
No, you snore like a dragon with no lower jaw.
That's how you snore.
And you emit fluid like a chocolate fountain
filled with mucus, that's how we all sleep.
Just...
You snore like a fireplug filled with pudding.
That's how you snore.
And you think you can forget until you look at your pillow,
which is now just a sponge
that collects the memories of your nightmares.
Just a document of your savagery.
So anyway, I don't look at the pillows in the hotel.
I just like stay, thanks.
I like staying in the hotels.
I lay in bed way past checkout, that's what I like now.
Just base level excitement, like I use words in conversation
that I don't really know what they mean,
and that's my bungee jumping at this point.
That's it, it's just like, "I don't know, man,
sounds pretty ubiquitous to me.
Non-sequitur? I think that's perfectly sequitur."
Because that's my chi, I just like laying in bed
way past checkout and seeing if I get caught.
That's, like,
Checkout's at noon? We'll see.
You gotta lay real still. You gotta be real quiet.
I call it pulling an Anne Frank. That's what I call it.
I lay there.
It's real scary when they're in the hall. Uh oh!
I know it, okay, it's hard to do that kind of joke
when I look like I should be at home
plotting to kidnap a Democratic governor, so...
Let it be known, I have to say, I am not anti-Semitic.
I'm, like, the most Semitic. I love 'em.
I won't go to the Holocaust Museum though.
Nope.
Not, I'll explain.
It's not like I'm just gonna move on the next joke.
"He let that one hang out there for a while."
No, I don't wanna go to the Holocaust Museum
because I am a coward.
That's it. That's simple.
I, it happened, all right.
That's not the route I'm going with this.
It happened. I know it happened and it was bad.
Real bad, like the worst.
And I know that and I'm too scared to deal with the emotions
that would come with visiting a Holocaust Museum.
Like that's a big day. That's a wow.
You don't wanna do anything else, okay.
And shit, maybe I'm wrong.
Does anybody here want to go to the Holocaust Museum?
Okay, all right, okay.
And anybody who says yes, it's always in theory,
it's never like, "Okay, tomorrow?"
They're like, "Oh, I didn't know tomorrow.
I have plans, but let's put it on a calendar
and think about doing the right thing."
No, we're all cowards and that's okay.
Glad the Holocaust Museum is there.
It's there for education, and that's how
the majority of people that go to the Holocaust Museum,
they are field trips, which I find a tad ironic,
that, just, some, like,
"Oh, we got this Holocaust Museum.
How are we gonna get people in there?
Oh, we could transport 'em in against their will."
It's like, whoa, hey.
"Has our marketing guy even been inside yet?
Because that's like a main thing that happened.
You can't just look at the pictures.
You gotta read the captions.
They didn't just love trains, man."
That one's a bit too far.
That one went,
I was kind of a hypocrite through the whole pandemic.
Like, I...
Again, I tell you get the vaccine, I tell you trust science.
I went on a cruise. I went on a cruise during the pandemic.
Yeah, all right, here it is.
Well, first off, of course, the cruise was gonna happen.
It was a cruise. It was a heavy metal cruise.
It was a cruise filled with heavy metal bands.
Of course that was gonna set sail.
Metalheads are not scared of viruses.
Do you know metalheads? Like old school?
They, half of them are walking around with gonorrhea
that they got at the original OzzFest,
and they're proud of it, they're proud.
They're hanging onto it like it's a sourdough starter.
They're like...
"Yeah, man, these warts saw Randy Rhodes live, dude."
They had protocols. I did.
I forget whichever test is where you do a test
in front of your computer and then a doctor's watching you
from the, doctor.
I just gave a stranger access to my webcam.
That's, this special might not be the thing
you see on the internet of me coming up soon.
Yeah, "I'm like, why are you just in a bedroom too, man?
Like, be in a laboratory.
You got the same bad lighting set up as me.
What is that, a Mudvayne poster in the back?
You just work for the cruise. You work for the cruise."
I got this stranger and I'm just in my room.
He's watching me, I'm four knuckles deep with a Q-tip
into my gray matter.
That's the closest I'm ever gonna feel
to a camgirl, was that moment.
It's a guy just watching me drill my orifice.
"Deeper, Daddy? Okay.
What do you want me to do now, spin it a little?
Ooh, you're sick. You're naughty."
They say they take protocols, they'd be like,
"Oh, we will do an intensive questionnaire
to make sure you're healthy."
It's when they give you the questionnaire.
You spend all your money to get on the boat,
then you spend your money to fly to get to the port city,
and then your bags are packed.
They take your bags, those are on the boat.
All your money, all that shit's on the boat,
and there's a little guy in a fun kiosk.
If you've never been on a cruise,
there's a guy before you get on the boat
and he's just a little party guy.
Maybe he's got maracas or something, like,
"Time to buy your drink package."
So you have to gamble on how much booze
you think you are gonna drink on the cruise
before you get on the cruise,
and nobody is tame at that point.
You're going on a cruise.
Nobody's like, "I better go for the bronze tier.
I'm probably gonna take it easy on the way to Cozumel."
No, everybody's like, "Fucking diamond package, baby.
I will absolutely drink $975 worth of alcohol
every day on this cruise."
You will not. You absolutely will not.
By the next day, you will have one shaky glass
of white wine in your hand,
just like, "I've at least gotta break 150
to feel good about myself."
You're gonna poison yourself outta your own frugality.
And now you spend more money on that.
Now it's time to get on the boat, here we go.
And now you're on the plank on the way to the boat.
There's the boat, seawater is just underneath you,
the fish and dolphins.
There's the land, sayonara, suckers,
and that's when they hand you the questionnaire.
That's when they expect you to be truthful
about your ailments in that moment.
And you, everybody, like, nobody's,
"I got the sniffles, always or never.
What do you want me to say? I'm getting...
What? My parents are first cousins.
You bet your ass they are.
Let me on this boat. There's ziplines to be zipped!"
One of the questions is like, "Do you have diarrhea?"
How dare you!
Do I have diarrhea? I'm going on a cruise.
If I don't have it now, give me 20 minutes.
In a half hour, in a half hour,
I'll be on my third crab daiquiri of this voyage.
It is not a drink that is included in the diamond package,
it's one that I'll assemble myself
by getting a pitcher of any tropical beverage
that I will then take right to the buffet,
which I will treat like a death row inmate.
Asparagus dipped in hot fudge, why not? We're gonna die.
That's where I'll get an arm full of crab legs
and hang them off the pitcher, what for dipping.
In 45 minutes, an employee of this cruise line
will come by the hot tub, where I've parked myself,
and tell me to cease my behavior immediately
because I will be in that hot tub
playing my favorite game of all time
called Guess the Catch of the Day.
It's not a game, it's really just a sex crime.
It's where I, Kyle Kinane,
I'm sitting there swirling one crab leg
around whatever warm gin and fruit is left in the pitcher.
I'll be wearing men's swim trunks, the old-timey kind
where there's an outer shell and an inner panty.
Any stranger unfortunate enough to sit in that hot tub
with me will now be a contestant of the game.
And I'll say, "I wonder what the catch of the day is."
And they'll go, "Catch of the day?"
And that's why I'll just move the outer shell to the side,
revealing my netted genitals.
And I'll say, "Oh, it looks like a shrimp
and two scallops today."
That's the game. Nobody wins.
Nobody wins.
Do I have diarrhea?
I'll shit off the side of this boat if I want to.
I'll hang my lily white ass off the mezzanine
and I will unload into the life rafts.
Women and children first? Be my guests.
What are you gonna do? Turn it around?
We're an international waters, bitch.
Don't call yourself Carnival
if you're not ready for the implications.
I don't go on many cruises.
But that's the thing, like, listen,
I'm gonna go onto vaccine.
I'm pro-vaccine, pro-science,
but I behave in very anti-vax ways.
One of those is I keep eating at Chipotle.
I know it's dangerous, and I engage in that behavior freely.
I'm like, "It's freedom, not fear.
I will not live in a prison made up of your paranoia,
not while they got that white queso dip
back on the menu anyway."
Also, Chipotle kills people every year.
Every year Chipotle has to have a press conference
where they're like, "Ah, yeah,
I'm surprised we're back here again too, but,
ah, somebody pissed in the spinach again or something.
Anyway, long story short, we're sorry for your loss,
you know, so...
But we're gonna make it up to you.
We're gonna offer a BOGO every Tuesday in July.
It's for your loss.
You get an extra burrito on account of the,
the loss, your bereavement burritos.
Bereaved for burritos.
There's something, it'll tie together later."
So I...
So I ate that and, like,
I can self-diagnose food poisoning at this point.
I'm pretty familiar, I'm like, "Ha ha, here we go again.
Dancing with this smelly mistress another evening."
Food poisoning moves around your torso
in a way that it's just looking for a way out.
It's like a bank heist went south
and their plan B wasn't really dialed in.
You're like, "Oh, the front doors are blocked off.
What do we do, boss?"
"I don't know, we can tunnel out the basement
or jump off the roof,
but we're getting outta this bitch one way or another."
That's food poisoning.
This was different. This did not behave like this.
This just made,
this started making a little nest for itself.
The doctor's like, "Yeah, your appendix is inflamed.
It hasn't ruptured yet, but just go to the ER
'cause they're gonna have to get it outta there."
So I went to the ER, I went to a suburban hospital.
I could tell it's suburban because the doctor was very,
just, unimpressed with having to do another appendectomy.
Just really, just a real another boring day at the office
for this surgeon.
You could tell he is out in the suburbs, like,
"Can't we get a goddamn knife fight in this town?
I went to school for real shit."
He came in the room I was in like,
"Yeah, I'm gonna give you a,
so we're gonna give you a laparoscopic appendectomy."
He said that once. He only said that one time.
Laparoscopic appendectomy, and that was enough too,
'cause I was like, "Woof, uh oh,"
because that's, they charge by the syllable,
so you know it's like,
laparoscopic appendectomy esquire the third,
pump, the brakes.
After that, he just called it a lappy appy.
I don't know about you guys,
but I'm not a fan of a nonchalant attitude from a surgeon.
Say the whole word.
Earn your money, say laparoscopic appendectomy.
He wasn't even saying it to make me feel comfortable.
He was just saying it out of, just, making,
shortening his job because they were saying it
out in the hallway too.
They were just like, "What's in room nine?"
"It's lappy appy. It's nothing exciting."
Like, don't do cute nicknames before the procedure.
After, if I live, we could be adorable afterwards.
Afterwards, just shit, man,
we could put glitter on the scars, I don't give a shit.
But beforehand, say the whole term, make me feel safe.
I have to go under anesthesia.
People don't make it through anesthesia sometimes.
I could still die, even if it's routine.
What if I die? That's it.
I died without any information about what was happening.
I just show up in heaven,
or whatever I qualify for at this point.
I don't know, I definitely have some strikes
against my license by now.
But anywhere you wind up where some ethereal being
with a clipboard's like, "Oh, man,
you weren't on the schedule today."
And the best I could say is like,
"I guess my lappy appy when woopsy poopsy.
Didn't get much more information than that, but yeah,
well, thank god it went okie dokie, so we're here today.
Well, so I was thinking, but like that's,
unless you have a situation where it ruptured and inflamed,
you have an appendix in your body right now,
doing nothing...
except maybe making a doctor $25,000.
And they just let us,
they let babies leave the hospital with that.
"Does this baby have an unlit stick of dynamite in it?"
"You betcha."
There just a bunch of walking scratch off tickets
for doctors like,
"Oh, it's my lucky day. New set of golf clubs.
How about it? 25 grand."
Meanwhile, I was circumcised, like, right away.
That was the thing. That was the thing.
Like, "Oh, we can't have him have that.
Oh, hey, we got another baby born with too much dick."
Can't believe, you'd think if it was unnecessary,
evolution would've taken care of it.
No, babies keep doing too much, too much noodle.
"Oh, should we wait 'til he's old enough
to make up his own mind?"
"Nah, nobody's ever wanted more dick later in life."
At least not in the United States, no.
Just an American celebrating his freedom going,
"I guess this is all right.
Would've liked to have a choice."
Why is that the worst thing?
Why is that the most horrible part of a new baby boy?
"The devil's calamari. Get it off of him!"
Why is that? Why is that?
Listen, I may have ruined calamari for some of you,
and you know what?
Good, good, I'm glad I did.
We gotta stop eating those animals. They're smart animals.
We gotta leave 'em alone, those are intelligent things.
You got, I'm sorry for the next trip
you take to the Olive Garden.
Now you don't get to enjoy your favorite app.
"You getting a calamari?"
"Oh, well...
I just, maybe I could eat the whole squid,
but I can't eat the rings, I can't do the rings."
"Why not? That's the best part."
"A guy said a thing. I don't wanna ruin your experience.
Just, I can't.
I just can't.
You're gonna dip that in marinara?
Oh, I know we're here,
but I do not feel like family right now."
I will say, as pro-vaccine and I'm pro-science,
I will say that right now.
Also, I will say this, consider the source material.
First off, I'm a comedian,
I shouldn't be a part of anybody's research.
Ever, just ever.
But the man on the podcast, nope. No.
Also, I will tell you to trust the science,
but know this, I also get sunburns every year.
Multiple sunburns, and that science has been out there
since the sun, since...
Since the first person has been like,
"whew, I gotta find some shade." That's...
I ignore that science every year.
That's the dumbest look you could have
in a first world country
is an adult with a sunburn just going,
"Ha ha, fuck, yeah, man.
I really thought I was gonna get around it this year.
I was doing yard work, but I was bobbing and weaving.
I didn't think he wasn't gonna get me this year."
Nope, first nice day of the year, I'm just out there like,
"You don't wanna SPF too early.
You wanna get a good base coat, you wanna get a,
you wanna brown up even, then you can lotion up."
Second nice day of the year, bright red, screaming cancer,
got shoulders that look like french bread pizzas.
Then after that, I've clearly tried to apply sunblock,
but I've done it alone and been too proud to ask for help,
And you can see that because you can tell
I've just taken the tube, I will squeeze it over my head
and just let it drizzle down, just magic shell style,
just oozing down my face.
Just a little hot fudge Kyle, that's all.
My head and face are a ghoulish white,
like the holograms from the Haunted Mansion showing up,
Ah! What you barbecuing? Bleh.
And the rest of it I kind of pushed down
around my chest and shoulders.
My back is just a series of violent hand prints.
Just furious slappings.
It looks like demons tried to drag me to hell.
But thank God the Coppertone was too slick
and they couldn't get their talons in, praise Jesus.
Not today, Satan.
You will not capture my soul for your demonic pits of hell.
I managed to slip away in the flames of the underworld.
Only burnt a spiky, tribal,
Godsmack album cover-looking thing.
Relinquish your grasp, hellions.
"You don't know what's in those needles, dude."
That's always said by people with the shittiest tattoos.
"You don't know what's in those needles, dude."
It's always said by some dude, like,
"Only God Can Judge Me" scribbled across his chest,
did it with a guitar string in India ink
at his cousin's pig roast, you know?
How many "Only God Can Judge Me" tattoos
you think have been in a courtroom?
I'll tell you right now. It's all of 'em.
It's every single one of those tattoos.
Every single person who thinks only God can judge them
has been been judged by a terrestrial being.
"Only God can judge me.
18 months? Fuck, man."
Even beforehand, even before the whole thing,
I just, the anti-vaxxers kind of made me, like,
"Vaccines cause autism, man.
The vaccines are causing autism."
Fucking, good.
We probably need more autistic kids.
- [Audience Member] Yeah!
- They're the ones that keep beating robots at chess.
And if you don't think
that's an incredibly necessary individual
in this day and age,
all we do is keep getting information over the algorithm.
That's all we do, is just like,
"Oh, accept cookies, allow tracking.
Come on, man, I'm trying to look at tits on this thing."
It's only a matter of time before we're like,
"Uh oh, the machines took over the banks
and I can't get my folding money out to pay my bills.
What are we gonna do?
Well, we could ask Toby if he wants to take a break
from building DNA strands outta Legos
long enough to save the world again.
Do you mind Toby? We'd love your help.
We'll get you the big chocolate milk this time."
Greta Thunberg's autistic.
She's trying to save the Earth from ourselves,
and the best we can come up with is,
"Ah, she's, like, a girl
and she looks weird.
She's a kid, so, nah."
Oh good, okay, I guess it's your unvaxxed, homeschooled,
soft-boiled degenerate that's gonna save the universe.
Yeah, that kid that's gonna overdose at an EDM concert,
then the fight with the paramedics
over the flat earth theory is gonna be the one.
"Momma says on account of her womb being dead
means I'm just an angel for being here."
Okay, we'll trust...
Let's elect you into office.
Listen, I'm a little burnt out on,
even on the people that I agree with
'cause it's getting a little too obnoxious
on both ends of the spectrum.
I'm a little sick of all my woke friends that,
woke, they're woke, but they insist
on having their own brand new white babies still.
Like, you can't,
you can't be burdened with that much white guilt, and,
you can't be like, "We are the problem.
Anyway, here's another one." No, you can't!
Stop flooding the market with your shitty product.
That's not how economics work.
You don't, there's plenty of kids out there
to upcycle right now, so you don't need a new one,
or whatever term you wanna slap on it to feel good.
But then they'll try to defend and be like,
"You don't understand, Kyle, I,
we're gonna raise our child to be a feminist."
You need to raise your child to digest plastic.
That's who's gonna survive. That's who's gonna live.
It's not looking good out there. That's what you need.
"But Kyle, I wouldn't care if my kid was trans."
You should care if they have gills.
You need a kid that can breathe smoke or water.
That's, you need a plastic eating fish baby
if you want any hopes of grandkids.
It's like, I bought this van
and the first stop with it to kind of test it all out,
get used to it, I went down camping with friends,
I went to Joshua Tree National Park and, yeah, okay,
we know Joshua Tree, but also, you know, national parks.
This is Utah. You have, hmm, whoa, wow.
Just stuff that you're like, "Don't anybody touch this.
This is amazing. Arches?
What's happening here? Look at, oh, dinosaur footprints?
Oh, you mean God's little trickster?"
Yeah, sure.
"Okay, I won't bother those."
But, you know, but that is astonishing landscape.
Just a little further south, Grand Canyon.
I have to rub my eyes every time I'm there to be like,
"This is not a painting, this is a real,
just, this is a geographic anomaly that big
that I'm looking at."
But then you go to Joshua Tree after seeing that stuff
and you're just like, "Ah...
No, no, I see you got,
you got the rock that's on top of the other rock over there.
That's been, it's pretty wild. Yeah, look at that.
Anyway, what's over this way?
Oh, bullshit. Look at the rock that's on the...
It's on the rock and a couple trees and, all right."
It's nice that it's there, but it's kind of just, like, meh.
It's like a geographic Kardashian, you know?
It's just, it's hot and of no value,
but you somehow keep trying to make it a thing, you know?
So, you know, and all the honky witches from LA
and the Stevie Nicks cosplayers go out there
and recharge their crystals, which...
All right, I'm making fun of it, but you know what?
If crystals make you happy, you're not hurting anybody,
go have your special rocks.
People have rabbit's feet, have a,
put a rock on a window sill in the moonlight
and the next day you hold it, you feel less anxiety,
you're not hurting anybody, go for it.
It's weird times, we all can extract energy
from unorthodox sources in this world.
If you're, yeah, listen, I get, I don't do crystals.
That's not my thing.
I find a balance and a fairness in this world.
Just an equilibrium.
Whenever I see an attractive person
getting on a Southwest flight last, that's...
That's when I know that there is some small undercurrent
of justice in this world.
You know, you just see a supermodel, just somebody gorgeous,
a gorgeous individual, and then you see
that C on their boarding card
and you know they have no idea.
You're like, "Oh, honey, you're about to learn
how the world really works.
Yeah, you got bumped off a United flight or something,
now you're here with the great unwashed.
This is gonna be fun."
Because they always stand at the front of the plane
with nothing but middle seats open.
They're just like, "I don't, but, I can't.
But why? But what am I gonna do?"
You're gonna rub some elbows with some stinkers.
That's what you're gonna do.
Squeeze in here with some slobs coming home from Vegas
and make some friends.
That's how we went out there and just did drugs.
I mean, like, it's like that, but not,
I don't even wanna say it like in a woo, like,
"Do you guys do this stuff?"
I don't even, just did mushrooms.
I just think they're good for you.
They're good for you psychologically.
I'm doing, yeah, okay,
and I'm not gonna preach,
I'm not gonna proselytize about it.
Do 'em safely, do 'em around people
that have done them before that you trust
and do 'em outside, that's all you gotta.
Don't do 'em in an apartment 'cause you're just like,
"Fucking, the toilet, it just has water
that goes into the Earth, man.
Anything's a wishing well if you dream big enough, man."
"Is that where my car keys are?"
"I'm turning it into a Ferrari."
So just go, I mean, and I, and you can have a bad trip,
but it's not, I mean, I'm not even talking about acid.
Like I had a bad trip on this one.
Not bad bad, but like, I just,
I was with a group of dudes and they,
I was outnumbered as far as the soundtrack of the trip went,
and so they wanted to listen to jam bands
and I found a new kind of hell for myself.
If jam bands are your thing, good for you.
Bless your heart on that stuff.
I do not hear a jam, I never hear a jam.
I hear five stepdads who do not know how to end a song.
That's what I hear.
I don't care what name of the band you tell me it is,
it's one band for that names them all.
It's called Noodly Lou and the Turd Herders,
and it's five dads in cargo shorts.
And one guy wants to end it. You know, one guy in the band.
Tommy!
Tommy, seriously though!
I got a sitter for this weekend and shit's not cheap, dude.
I gotta...
Ryan! Ryan!
Ryan, look at me, dude.
I fucking see you, bro!
Count it down, Todd, I gotta get the fuck outta here!
There's no end to this joke. It just goes on.
In being faithful to that genre of music,
the joke just goes on until everybody's like,
"We do have to get outta here, that really,
there's no shit on that one."
But so at the end of the weekend, everybody left,
and, you know, after we all just sat there frying out,
sinking in the sand, everybody left.
I was the last one to leave and my van did the same thing,
it sank into the sand.
Who would've thought, big old heavy van and loose sand
wouldn't agree with each other?
But I was the last one to go, so I'm just there by myself,
like uh oh, I'm spinning the tires
and I'm throwing debris under the tires,
trying to get traction.
I wish I was the guy that knew those kind of things.
Just, "Oh, we're just gonna leverage.
You could put some weight on this opposite angle
and then the rear differential,
that's actually gonna go counterclockwise
unless you grab traction," I'm not that guy.
I had to look up on the internet
what to say for that part of the bit.
The guy I was, like, "They're going, but they're not going.
It's around, but not forward"
I'm just a guy who just is sweaty holding his phone.
Like, "I, uh,
usually this has a lot of answers, this."
I did, I looked at my phone,
had fantastic service out there, go figure.
Verizon, hey, what are you, in the middle of nowhere?
Full bars.
Hey, you in an actual city where you live
and conduct business?
Why don't you suck our dicks?
So...
It's an odd choice for them to do that that way,
but I had full bars.
I'm like, all right, I called AAA.
I don't know, I've been paying them shits for years.
I think, and I, and I don't call 'em for the little things.
Flat tire? Do it myself.
Ran outta gas? Do it myself.
I think I can call the big favor on them,
so I'm like, all right, AAA
And they're like, "Where are you located?"
I'm like, "Ha ha,
it's out there."
Because we weren't even in the part of the national park
where there were still rangers.
We were just out in the mafia burial ground.
So I was just like, "I, there's not a lot of numbers
out here unless you wanna count cow skulls.
I'll just, I'll drop a pin and we'll see if that works."
And to their credit, dropped a pin.
Within an hour, I saw a little white AAA van
just bopping along the dirt road that I came in on,
just come to badink, badink, badink.
And I could see, 'cause it was a van,
so it's a big windshield.
I could see from a distance, the guy behind the wheel
is just like...
They pull, his window is down.
The first thing he said, he just goes,
"I can't do anything."
And I was like, "I know...
Now you're here.
Two heads better than one."
He was pissed, but he's obligated.
So then we were just hanging out,
two of us were just leaning on his van, looking at my van,
neither one of us having any answers.
And finally, after a while, he just goes,
"I can call Garrett."
He gave me no context to who Garrett,
he just said it like, "That's how we're gonna do it.
We'll call Garrett. He..."
Does Garrett work for AAA too?
Maybe Garrett has an independent towing company.
Maybe Garrett has a gun and he's gonna come out
and he's gonna put a bullet in my head
and you guys are gonna split whatever you get
for selling my van, and you can tell me that plan now
like a supervillain 'cause you know, like,
"Oh, you're gonna die, let me tell you exactly how."
So...
But I have no choice but to be optimistic.
So I'm like, "Oh, Garrett? Yeah.
Shit, I mean, I don't know him, but that's a strong name.
That's a guy who gets something done.
Garrett will get it done.
I don't know what it is, but he'll do it.
Ah, fuck, Garrett. Yeah."
And this guy wasn't having my shit, he goes,
"He's got a 350."
And I'm like, "Ah, man,
maybe you can get like a 400, I don't know.
What are we talking? I don't know.
If these numbers are important,
can you get more of the numbers?"
He's like, "He's also got a Cummins."
I'm like, "What's that? Hope that's a goins."
Meanwhile, he wasn't into the truck humor.
He wasn't feeling it.
So he shuffled off and he called Garrett,
and within 20 minutes, this Mad Maxian cloud
just appeared on the horizon.
Just tearing at us as if born of the setting sun.
This was the Phoenix that was Garrett,
and he was coming right at us.
Now, you know national parks are very precious about them
and as they should be, they're trying to preserve that shit,
but you get there and they're not screwing around.
They're like, "Stay on the trail.
Leave no trace. Pack in what you pack out.
Don't look at any of the animals in the face,
they can't know you're here.
Actually, we'd prefer it if you left."
That should be the slogan for national parks.
"Welcome to your national parks. We'd prefer it if you left.
You're really only harming this beautiful place."
Garrett was not adhering to those rules.
Garrett was a firm believer in the concept
that the quickest way between two points
was a straight line,
so he was driving as the crow flies,
save for a couple swerves into the namesake shrubs.
There was a couple deliberate moves where I could,
Garrett was driving like somebody named Joshua
had just fucked his mother,
and he was taking it out on your tax-funded public land.
There's a couple hard jerks of the wheel
where you could tell he is like,
"Just 'cause your dick's in her
doesn't mean I'm calling you dad."
So that's what was tearing at us,
and I could see it was a truck.
Truck? Truck, truck, truck.
"Gimme a truck. I want a truck.
Taller. Taller than that.
Taller. Gimme another one.
Put it on top of that one.
Tall. Now wide.
Make it a dually, thick. I want a thick truck.
I want a truck with sexy hips.
I want a juicy, curvy truck. I love my curvy truck.
Gimme a thick, tall, leggy, curvy truck.
A big ass, breedable ass.
Big, wide, breedable ass.
Something I can hang on to when we slow dance.
Give me a big, thick, curvy, but nuts.
Put nuts on it. Make sure there's nuts.
Dangle some nuts.
Dangle some little nuts off that fuckable ass.
Thick truck, thick curvy truck with nuts.
Yeah, she'll do, she'll do.
I got her parked around back, she'll tow it."
Don't tell me you don't understand pronouns at that point
when you got a big curvy truck with nuts
that you call she and her.
"How can one thing be a they?"
Look at your truck, dude.
You fucking, you white trashed yourself
into being progressive, you didn't even know it.
And it was tall, and I get, listen, and I get lift kits.
I understand that there's some utility to having a lift kit,
especially out there, you need ground clearance.
But you know that some of these dudes
that are getting lift kits, like,
they're just using altitude to hide from alimony payments.
You can tell that some of those guys have,
you're probably here now, you know what you did.
You probably...
You concocted your own legal loophole where you just,
"You can't serve me papers if you can't reach me, dude,
that's the law, that's just the law.
That's the law."
Just laying flat in the cab whenever baby mamas come around
looking for money.
"Fuck, she still out there, dude?
Ugh, what money, Charise? Look at this exhaust system.
I don't have any money."
So that's what's coming at me.
As it gets close, I can see
that there's graphics on the truck.
He's got graphics and it's like a graphic,
like a wrap and it's, the front of it,
that's all I can see so far, it's skulls.
Skulls. Yeah, skulls.
I get it. Skulls, they're unicorns for dudes.
Skulls!
Now I can see the side.
I see that the skull wrap, it gives away,
it didn't like fade to the next deal.
It was like, it was like clawed away.
Like the bald eagle came and like,
"You experience the justice," and then,
because then the back half was just, it was all text,
it was all like script,
whatever font the Constitution's written in, I don't know.
I don't know what it's called, Patriot Sans or whatever,
but that,
that was all over the curvy hips of the truck.
And I'm reading, I'm like right away,
I'm assuming probably 2A, probably Second Amendment,
that's the kind of thing you see on this truck.
Never really championing the First Amendment.
You never see a bumper sticker on a truck like that
that's just like "Sing Your Truth."
It's never that, it's usually some sort of
come and take it type situation.
So I'm reading it, but as I'm reading it,
I don't see anything about right to bear arms
or you know, defend,
I just see, shall prevent against illegal search and seizure
and personal property and all that stuff.
I'm like, "That's the Fourth Amendment.
My man Garrett has his truck wrapped
in the Fourth Amendment."
And that's when I realized something very specific
had happened to Garrett.
You don't just cherry pick, you're not just like,
"I'm an American. Pick one.
I don't care. Wrap it up, dude."
Something went wrong with Garrett for him to be like,
Fourth Amendment so that he got, I don't,
he got busted selling reptile eggs on the dark web.
But he found a flaw on the warrant
and decided he could defend himself in court.
That's the best I come up with.
He just showed up and just, you know, saying shit like,
"Well, respectfully, Your Honor, okay.
The warrant is looking for Bolivian salamanders,
and if I could point you to exhibit A,
the evidentiary photographs, and you do not see
any Bolivian salamander eggs here, do you?
Not to the untrained eye, but I can tell you
that these are Honduran geckos.
Now, that is a similar spotting for any people out there
that want, that's a similar spotting,
but these are legal and I believe the 13 to 18
of the lower contig, the states that are stuck together.
As long as I fill out the proper paperwork
at the post office, ergo, ergo, Your Honor, respectfully,
this whole thing should be thrown out.
Ergo respectfully."
And you can tell she had just had enough, she's like,
"That's the third time this week, Garrett.
No, goddammit, $75 fine."
And that's what just sent him over the edge, like,
"Not in my America. Hell no!
You do not tread on me. I will not be treadeth upon.
You're treading on me, I don't wanna be treaded on,
just fucking wrap the truck, Fourth Amendment.
I'm not putting up with this shit no more.
You do not tread on me. You, nobody tread.
By the way, by the way, I do have the rattlesnake eggs
from that don't tread on me flag,
but hit me up on my Hotmail
because the feds are monitoring my Yahoo! account all right?
I'm still just making up the stuff.
I've not met Garrett yet.
First impression I have of Garrett were his feet.
I saw his feet 'cause I was on the passenger side.
I was eye level with the step rail.
First thing I saw of Garrett was underneath.
I couldn't see in the truck.
I could see underneath the truck.
I saw two little dangling slip-on Vans tennis shoes.
That's what I saw.
Just out there, just looking for the ground.
Just, you know.
And I do not, I, for all the details,
I do not remember the size of Garrett.
I don't remember because all I know
is that if you have to exit your vehicle
like you're leaving a tree house,
you're gonna look like a little fella.
You're gonna look tinier than you really are.
But I kind of liked him right away
because he had to take that leap of faith
to get out of there, and he did it.
Even without seeing him, I could see it was a good attitude
'cause the way he came down with a real like a,
"Ha ha, here's Garrett."
Like a real, like real ginger outlook on him. I liked it.
So he came around the front,
and this is the first time now I'm seeing Garrett
in his full form, and he had this look,
you probably know his look out here.
It's very much a west coast kind of look.
I don't know how to describe. It's like...
It's kinda like LA gangster,
but then it's also like white trash kind of dude.
Not in a, but like Suicidal Tendencies
meets Supercross kind of look, like...
You know, it's like, it's the tall socks
and the long shorts, but then it's a Monster Energy shirt,
or some sort of energy drink, and then,
but, like, the kind of guy that you could tell,
even if he only spent one night in jail for a DUI,
still, like, saying like, "Back when I was incarcerated."
Like they love...
Something about the hard C in incarcerated.
"Oh, man, when I was incarcerated,"
like you were there for 12 hours.
And then the face is always too young for that.
And I'm still scared of that look.
Whatever age, I don't care,
because even if you're not tough, you're still crazy.
You still have, like, sleeve tattoos
and you do weird flips on motorcycles.
I'm not gonna fight you.
You know you have butterfly knives that you're clumsy with,
but will still take them out.
"Fucking what, bro? What?
Flurry of chrome, dude. Flurry of chrome."
And then the neck up, it's always too young of a face.
It's a goatee, but you could tell it's a goatee
that they dream that it was bigger.
You could tell they asked Jesus for it.
They're like, at night, just.
"Please?"
Doink. "Oh, thank you."
And the part that throws me off the most
is that there's always a flat-brim hat.
Flat-brim ball hat that's way too big.
It always looks like a Peanuts character.
And then they tuck their ears into the side.
Do you guys know this look I'm talking about?
All right, the ear thing throws me off the most
because the rest of it like, "All right, kind of a gnarly,
you know, desert tweaker, mountain weirdo, I get it."
But then the ears in the hat thing is always like,
now that's, like, real Rudy vibes
that undermine the whole toughness of the rest of it,
'cause it's like kind of tough,
kind of tough, tough, tough, tough,
and then up here it's just like,
"Coach says once I grow into the uniform,
I'm gonna be a real scrapper."
And that's so confusing.
Either way, that's who stood before me.
This was Garrett.
And he didn't waste any time, he goes, "That's your van?"
I'm like, "Yeah." He's like, " Fucking sick" and...
Went, he just had chains, chains, chains,
got right back into his truck, got in, rolled some coal,
pulled me right back onto the dirt road now.
Yeah, and that was it. That happened that fast.
Then I was like, "Oh, shit, this is great. I'm saved."
What I realized then is that
we had not discussed payment yet.
Yeah, we didn't go over that part.
Now I am in the desert and I owe a stranger a favor.
And it's not often that, later in life,
you get to have a new kind of fear.
But I was like, "Uh oh, we didn't talk about money.
I don't have cash and I don't have grass.
I guess what I have right now is a very open mind."
But I did have credit cards.
Garrett said, "He's like $200."
I was like, "Oh, do you take credit cards?"
He goes, "I'll take your credit cards."
"I meant as payment, not as just strong-arm robbery."
He's like, "No, no I got a Square for my phone to swipe."
I'm like, "Of course you do,
it's great service out here of course.
Full bars. Yeah, okay."
But he's like, "$200."
I'm like, "There's no way it's gonna be $200."
Just tell me what you're gonna buy
when you steal my credit card information,
I'll get it for you.
I don't wanna reset pin numbers,
just put together an Amazon wishlist like a porn star.
I owe you. Let me hook you up."
That was it. It was $200.
There's no discrepancies on my credit card statements,
and he got me out of there.
And that's the end of that story,
and it should be a good end.
It is a good end in theory.
Well, the reason it's not a good end
is because now I can't judge dudes like Garrett anymore,
and that sucks.
At 45, you wanna be like, "I'm set in my ways.
I got things figured out."
Now, all of a sudden,
I can't judge a book by it's cover anymore.
And that's a drag. That's my safe place in this world.
That's where I feel comfortable is walking around,
thinking I got everybody figured out and so fuck them.
That's how I feel good.
"Look at you, you dress like an asshole.
I bet your kids don't love you.
Oof, you got a girl pregnant in high school.
Thank God I'm better than everybody around me."
But no, now Garrett has to come along
and flip the script on me
and now I gotta sit behind those trucks on the highway
and think, like, instead of wanting to see 'em flip over
and burst into flames, I'm like,
"You might be saving an asshole like me
from dying in the middle of nowhere.
Godspeed, Garrett. I don't know what to tell you."
And it's weird because and I think the world
wants me to learn this lesson.
It's a bad character trait to be judgmental like that.
And I know that and I'm still that way.
Garrett, that was part one of the lesson.
I think part two is the fact that at 45,
I dunno if it's age or if it's different medications
that I'm on now because my various ailments,
I always have some pee in my pants.
That's...
Just...
As sure as rain's wet. I'll tell you, I always.
Not enough to go to the doctor,
but enough to keep me humble, so I leave it there.
I leave it there because I wanna be a better person.
It's like just a half dollar's worth at all times.
I don't want it there.
I shake twice and then I strangle it a little bit,
like it owes me money, like,
"We're not gonna do the drip again."
"Nah, boss man. Nah."
And as soon as I put it back in my pants, complete betrayal.
Just a three-lick little cat bath
right in the front of my underpants.
Meow, meow, meow, just right there
on the front of the, god, guys.
Cold tip, permanent cold tip.
So between Garrett and that,
I think the universe is trying to keep me in line,
'cause I'll still, I'll revert to that kind of way,
where I'm like, "Look at this asshole over here.
Oh, I bet you got a girl knocked up in high school
and then you never talked to her again."
And then some part of my brain's like,
"You think he's got some pee in his pants right now?"
"You know what? Probably not.
I don't know anything about you.
You don't know anything about me.
Let's just get on this world and be okay with each other."
Salt Lake City, thank you so very much.
I can't thank you enough.
♪ As I watched the smoke settle on the palms ♪
♪ I hear a whisper through the trees ♪
♪ A little dream I had when I was but a lad ♪
♪ That life is surely beaten and set free ♪
♪ And now I am the king of absolutely nothing ♪
♪ A belly that is proud and full ♪
♪ Empty bottle, empty, empty bottle ♪
♪ Empty drinks for you
- [Man] Thank you very much.