1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:09,259
Ladies and gentlemen,
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:12,220
my mom, Leanne Morgan!
5
00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:14,264
[audience cheering]
6
00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:17,350
- [upbeat music playing]
- [cheering continues]
7
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:31,614
[mouthing] Thank you.
8
00:00:31,614 --> 00:00:33,700
[cheering continues]
9
00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:44,711
Thank y'all.
10
00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:46,755
I caught it.
11
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:50,133
Thank y'all so much.
12
00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:53,386
Thank y'all so much
for coming out to watch me.
13
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:55,472
Lexington, Kentucky, thank y'all.
14
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,557
[audience cheering]
15
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:01,853
Thank y'all.
16
00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:04,189
If I could get out there,
and straddle every one of y'all,
17
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:06,149
and kiss y'all on the mouth, I would.
18
00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:07,650
[audience laughing]
19
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,278
Okay.
20
00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:16,076
I've got on a girdle.
21
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,244
[audience laughing]
22
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:19,412
From here to here.
23
00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:23,416
And I can feel fat coming out of the back.
24
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:25,502
[audience laughing]
25
00:01:28,379 --> 00:01:32,509
I want y'all to know
that I was so cute in the '80s.
26
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,013
I really was, all right?
27
00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:41,893
I'm 57 years old and I...
I've gained weight.
28
00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:45,188
And I'm really trying to do better.
29
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:47,774
But that old, mean, stupid COVID.
30
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:50,068
I wanna blame the mean, stupid COVID,
31
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:52,153
and Vladimir Putin.
32
00:01:52,153 --> 00:01:54,656
[audience laughing and cheering]
33
00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:02,789
But I can't. I can't.
34
00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,124
It wasn't all their fault.
35
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,210
But the pandemic did do a number on me.
36
00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:10,672
You know, I really thought
I could cope in a crisis effectively.
37
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:13,091
And I don't...
[chuckling] I don't think I can.
38
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:18,471
I had big ideas about hiking,
and jogging, and doing,
39
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:19,514
and I didn't.
40
00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:23,184
All right, do y'all remember
when it first happened, and they said,
41
00:02:23,184 --> 00:02:25,645
"Give us two weeks. Give us two weeks."
42
00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:28,815
Okay. I went,
"Whoo! I'll make a chicken pot pie."
43
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,900
[audience laughing]
44
00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:34,112
I made a chicken pot pie,
45
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:37,031
and then that darn thing
dragged on and on.
46
00:02:37,031 --> 00:02:39,993
And I made more chicken pot pie.
47
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,245
And then I mixed alcohol with it.
48
00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:44,330
[audience laughing]
49
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:49,586
And then I got on a big Jell-O kick.
50
00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:55,091
Well, I was taking care
of my little mom and daddy.
51
00:02:55,091 --> 00:02:57,218
I couldn't tour, so I would go
and spend the night
52
00:02:57,218 --> 00:03:00,054
with my little mom and daddy
who are 79 and 81.
53
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:04,309
And I don't know if y'all saw videos
about me taking care of them during the--
54
00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:06,394
[audience cheering]
55
00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:09,439
Well, I want y'all to know,
they're doing great.
56
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:10,648
They're doing great.
57
00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:13,610
But I would go and stay with them,
58
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:17,488
and they would have the thermostat on 82.
59
00:03:18,406 --> 00:03:22,744
And we watched, uh,
Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy,
60
00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:25,246
and then we would go to bed at 6:00.
61
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,672
And my little mama
had to have soft foods there for a while,
62
00:03:34,672 --> 00:03:38,051
so that's why I got on that Jell-O kick,
even though my people,
63
00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:42,680
we make Jell-O salads
for everything where I'm from.
64
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,808
We do. We love it for a church supper.
65
00:03:45,808 --> 00:03:48,853
We love it to give it to somebody
when they're sick.
66
00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:51,314
We love it to give to somebody
when they're breastfeeding.
67
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:53,191
[audience laughing]
68
00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:54,734
Because it's refreshing.
69
00:03:56,569 --> 00:04:00,323
But I did not know
how much sugar was in that Jell-O
70
00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:02,325
when I was sitting there eating it.
71
00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:06,412
And I sat there
and ate all that with my little mama,
72
00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:10,083
and then all of the sudden,
my stomach was laying on my legs.
73
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,168
[audience laughing]
74
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,468
Look at all these good-looking men.
75
00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:21,469
Lord.
76
00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:23,763
I did not know all of y'all were coming.
77
00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:27,141
I wouldn't have been
talking about my stomach on my legs.
78
00:04:28,309 --> 00:04:32,063
Look at y'all
in these half-zip golf pullovers.
79
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,147
Hello!
80
00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:35,733
That says "health insurance" to me.
81
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,236
[audience laughing]
82
00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,536
All right,
y'all make me think of my husband.
83
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:47,954
Let me tell you about him.
84
00:04:48,871 --> 00:04:51,749
- Uh, 'cause he's got a 401(k), and--
- [audience laughing]
85
00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:52,667
Yeah!
86
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:57,005
Okay, we met
at the University of Tennessee.
87
00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:59,048
[scattered whooping]
88
00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:02,218
When I hear a man say "Go Vols," I think,
89
00:05:02,218 --> 00:05:04,804
"Oh my Lord,
did I make out with him in the '80s?"
90
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:07,473
[audience laughing]
91
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,311
[laughing continues]
92
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,357
I did horrible things in the '80s.
93
00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:22,947
But my husband and I met,
and I was so cute, and I was little.
94
00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:24,615
I had on little britches
95
00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:27,035
and my thyroid was functioning.
96
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:30,288
And I felt good.
97
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:33,624
And he was so enthralled with me,
and so in love with me,
98
00:05:33,624 --> 00:05:36,586
and pursued me, and bought me presents,
99
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,838
and vacuumed out my car,
100
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,632
and did all kinds of things for me.
101
00:05:41,632 --> 00:05:45,470
And we celebrated
our 30th wedding anniversary this year.
102
00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,555
- [audience cheering]
- Thank y'all.
103
00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:51,225
Thank y'all.
104
00:05:51,225 --> 00:05:53,519
And, now, I truly believe
105
00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:55,855
he would not pull me out
of a burning vehicle.
106
00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,940
[audience laughing]
107
00:06:02,278 --> 00:06:04,280
[laughing continues]
108
00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:11,537
All right, let me tell y'all about him.
109
00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:15,041
So, my husband is a very Type A,
110
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,627
anal-retentive overachiever.
111
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:21,005
And everything has had to be perfect
all of his life.
112
00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:23,925
And he has made perfect grades,
and he's done everything perfect,
113
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:25,259
and everything right.
114
00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:27,387
And he's very competitive.
115
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,138
He will rip your throat out.
116
00:06:29,138 --> 00:06:30,681
[audience laughing]
117
00:06:30,681 --> 00:06:33,851
We've tried to play cards
socially with other couples,
118
00:06:33,851 --> 00:06:38,398
and I don't listen and pay attention,
119
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,942
and play a funky card,
120
00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:42,944
and then he cusses me.
121
00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:45,238
- And then...
- [audience laughing]
122
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:49,242
And I'm like, "I was just gonna
drink a Diet Coke in fellowship."
123
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,743
"That's what I'm doing."
124
00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:56,541
He ran the Burger King
125
00:06:56,999 --> 00:07:00,086
when he was 15 years old
in Morristown, Tennessee.
126
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,546
They gave him a key.
127
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:05,174
He played football on Friday night,
and then would get up,
128
00:07:05,174 --> 00:07:08,386
and make biscuits starting at
4:00 in the morning at the Burger King.
129
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:10,471
Honey, that's how anal-retentive.
130
00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:14,308
And so then what did he do? He married me.
131
00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:16,394
[audience laughing]
132
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:23,192
And I am an underachiever.
133
00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:27,947
And I haven't done much right, and, um...
134
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,115
But I'm fun.
135
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:31,200
[audience cheering]
136
00:07:36,038 --> 00:07:38,833
He is very introverted,
and there's nothing wrong with that.
137
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:42,044
But I did not know how truly blank he was
138
00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:45,006
until all these children...
139
00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:48,384
three children grew up
and walked off and left me with him.
140
00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:50,511
[audience laughing]
141
00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:53,055
He does not chat. He does not chat.
142
00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:54,932
And he's got a big job.
143
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:56,893
He's got a big job,
and he has to talk all day,
144
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:58,853
and be in meetings, and on the phone.
145
00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:03,774
And, you know, men only have
so many words they use in a day.
146
00:08:03,774 --> 00:08:05,568
That... That is science.
147
00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:11,699
My husband uses all his words up
during the day at work,
148
00:08:11,699 --> 00:08:14,911
and then comes home at night
and stares into space.
149
00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:20,791
And I need people. I need people.
150
00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:23,252
I just stand in the kitchen
and talk to myself.
151
00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:25,338
[audience laughing]
152
00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:30,176
He works for
a large manufactured housing company,
153
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,636
the largest in the United States,
154
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:34,096
and he's worked for them
for over 25 years.
155
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,140
And he's traveled with them
156
00:08:36,140 --> 00:08:39,143
Monday through Thursday
or Tuesday through Friday.
157
00:08:39,143 --> 00:08:40,728
And that has worked for us.
158
00:08:40,728 --> 00:08:41,938
It really has.
159
00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:45,983
Me and these kids had a ball without him.
160
00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:48,069
[audience laughing]
161
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:51,614
He'd come on the weekends,
162
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:54,033
come home
and really put a kink in things, but...
163
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:56,369
[audience laughing]
164
00:08:56,369 --> 00:09:00,623
So, during this whole pandemic,
he could not travel.
165
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:04,752
I know.
He had to make an office in our home.
166
00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:06,837
And he would come out every morning
167
00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:10,132
and give me this huge list of things
that he thought I should be doing.
168
00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:12,218
[audience chuckling]
169
00:09:14,428 --> 00:09:15,596
Hard things!
170
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:17,848
Hard things.
171
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:22,436
Things like "paint the hallway"
or something like that.
172
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:28,693
I said, "Excuse me, but I stay in my gown
until the third hour of The Today Show."
173
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,778
[audience laughing loudly]
174
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,497
- I said, "You don't know me, do you?"
- [audience laughing]
175
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:46,377
He would come in
at lunchtime in the kitchen
176
00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:48,254
and not make eye contact with me.
177
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:52,758
And come and stand next to me
and grab one of my breasts.
178
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:54,385
[audience laughing]
179
00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:58,222
- And hold it.
- [audience laughing]
180
00:10:00,808 --> 00:10:02,810
[laughing continues]
181
00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:18,326
[laughing continues]
182
00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:21,495
And he'd say,
183
00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:22,997
"What's for lunch?"
184
00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:25,082
[audience laughing]
185
00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:34,258
And I'd say,
186
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:35,635
"Chicken salad?"
187
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,720
[audience laughing]
188
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:42,975
Now, I love him.
189
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:46,103
I love him,
I just don't wanna be with him.
190
00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:48,439
[audience laughing]
191
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:49,523
You know.
192
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:57,865
No. He has been a wonderful provider.
Wonderful provider.
193
00:10:57,865 --> 00:11:02,036
And he's worked like a dog for us,
and done without so that we could have.
194
00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:03,537
But all that money going out
195
00:11:03,537 --> 00:11:06,624
and taking care of a family
all those years, that's hard on a man.
196
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,084
It's hard on a man.
197
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:09,794
It's made him a real butthole.
198
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,879
[audience laughing]
199
00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:21,555
I love him.
Lord, I don't want anything to happen.
200
00:11:21,555 --> 00:11:23,849
I don't want him to run off
with a mobile home woman.
201
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,726
[audience laughing]
202
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,605
I've got a good friend
that has been through a divorce,
203
00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:33,025
and I've watched her go through this,
and she's really doing well.
204
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,195
She's doing great.
She's quit eating bread.
205
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:38,531
- And...
- [audience laughing]
206
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:42,326
She's doing sit-ups in the living room,
and she looks like a movie star.
207
00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:43,911
And she wants a man.
208
00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:46,038
She's ready to get out there
and get another man.
209
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:48,040
And it is on like Donkey Kong.
210
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,126
[audience laughing]
211
00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:53,671
I've watched her
go through this and I thought,
212
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:54,964
"Oh my Lord,
213
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,966
if I had to get out here and get a man
214
00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:58,509
at 57...
215
00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:01,303
after I've eaten all this Jell-O..."
216
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:03,597
[audience laughing]
217
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:04,682
Yes.
218
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,482
It would take $1,000
219
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,025
just to groom...
220
00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:21,282
what all I've got going on.
221
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:22,783
[audience laughing]
222
00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:32,418
I've got a toenail
that doesn't look right.
223
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:40,384
We've got a girlfriend
in our friend group,
224
00:12:40,384 --> 00:12:44,013
and she's 58,
and she loves her husband, loves him.
225
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:46,974
But we were saying, "Lord, if we had to
get out here and get a man."
226
00:12:46,974 --> 00:12:49,643
She said, "Okay, I think
227
00:12:49,643 --> 00:12:52,104
I could show somebody my left breast."
228
00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:53,939
[audience laughing]
229
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,616
She said, "It still looks okay."
230
00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:13,459
I thought, "Where is my friend
gonna go on dates?"
231
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:17,171
Where do people go on dates
in their fifties and sixties? Lord.
232
00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:19,548
I have not dated since the '80s.
233
00:13:19,548 --> 00:13:20,841
Honey, I was like...
234
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,475
I want y'all to know that I can dance.
235
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:32,978
I am coordinated and I'm athletic.
I really am.
236
00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:34,188
I can bust a move.
237
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:37,608
I'm not good at math. I can't do math.
238
00:13:39,109 --> 00:13:41,487
But I can bust a move.
But if I had to go to a club...
239
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:44,448
This is how I'd dance now
if I had to go to a club.
240
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,164
'Cause I don't want to jiggle.
241
00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:00,089
And I could see a man going,
"What's that?"
242
00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:05,010
And me going,
"Nothing, that's just a precancer."
243
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,096
[audience laughing]
244
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:14,562
My friend is on dating apps,
245
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:18,357
and she said everybody on the dating apps
looks like they work at Buc-ee's.
246
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:20,442
[audience laughing]
247
00:14:27,491 --> 00:14:29,702
She said,
"Everybody's got a big cowboy hat on,
248
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,621
and they've got their shirt
unbuttoned down to their bellybutton."
249
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:38,002
But I thought,
"What is she gonna do after a date?"
250
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:41,505
Is she gonna go home with a man
and make out around his CPAP machine?
251
00:14:41,505 --> 00:14:44,592
[audience laughing]
252
00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:54,226
Everybody I know is on a CPAP machine.
253
00:14:56,812 --> 00:14:59,690
I've wondered,
"Should I get on a CPAP machine?"
254
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:04,111
All right, you dolls,
let me look at y'all.
255
00:15:04,111 --> 00:15:07,907
All right. Most of y'all
probably are in my stage of life.
256
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,992
[audience cheering]
257
00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:15,247
[cheering continues]
258
00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:18,876
Y'all take supplements.
259
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:23,839
I bet we're all on a good probiotic.
I hope so.
260
00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:27,927
But then I look
and I see some younger mamas in here.
261
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,678
I see some younger girls.
262
00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:32,473
If you've got little children,
can you clap for me
263
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:33,933
or are you too tired?
264
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,101
- [scattered clapping]
- [audience laughing]
265
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:38,437
Pretty tired. You sound pretty tired.
266
00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:40,522
Well, Lord, you've got a lot on you.
267
00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:43,192
And, um, you know
you're have to go home and do...
268
00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:45,903
nasty things to pay for these tickets.
269
00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:47,988
[audience laughing]
270
00:15:55,412 --> 00:15:57,957
I just wanna say
thank y'all for coming out.
271
00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:04,129
Y'all probably don't get to go anywhere
most of the time.
272
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:08,175
I know, my darling. I wish I could go home
with y'all and put in a load of wash...
273
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:11,512
and help y'all, but...
274
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:15,224
When I see darling, young mamas like this,
275
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:18,811
my heart goes out to them,
because I remember it, but I don't...
276
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:22,564
Now, I've gotten far removed from it,
but I remember how stressful it was.
277
00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:25,776
It was a wonderful time in my life
to get to be with my little children,
278
00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:27,277
but it was stressful.
279
00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:29,488
And see, now,
I'm not responsible for anybody.
280
00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:31,657
I lay up in the bed and watch Netflix.
281
00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:35,869
I can lay up in the bed
and binge-watch Better Call Saul.
282
00:16:35,869 --> 00:16:38,080
You know? Nobody needs me.
283
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:42,209
But I remember being young
and my husband was always traveling,
284
00:16:42,209 --> 00:16:43,669
making a living for us.
285
00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:46,672
And I would be at home,
and there would be a crisis happen,
286
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:49,425
like a raccoon
would get caught in a trash can.
287
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:50,759
You know? Something...
288
00:16:50,759 --> 00:16:53,971
And I'd have to take care of it on my own,
and I'm not good at stuff like that.
289
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:55,055
I'm sissy.
290
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:58,517
- I don't even know how to mow.
- [audience laughing]
291
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:04,356
But I also remember, especially my boy,
so smart and sweet but forgetful,
292
00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:07,276
and he would say to me almost every week,
293
00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:09,403
"Oh, I've got a project due."
294
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:11,905
I go, "When?"
295
00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:12,990
"In the morning."
296
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:15,075
[audience laughing]
297
00:17:15,784 --> 00:17:18,412
It'd be nine o'clock at night, I'd go,
298
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:19,413
"Oh my Lord."
299
00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:21,498
He'd go, "It's not bad. It's not bad."
300
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:23,709
"I've just gotta build a replica..."
301
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,461
[audience laughing]
302
00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:30,174
"...of an early 1900s tenement house..."
303
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,259
[audience laughing]
304
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,012
"...in Brooklyn, New York."
305
00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,263
[mouthing]
306
00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:39,308
"I just need 300 popsicle sticks and a...
307
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,394
and a can of brown paint."
308
00:17:43,228 --> 00:17:45,272
And I'd have to get in the car
with no bra on,
309
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:46,732
with three little children,
310
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,318
and go to Walmart
in the middle of the night.
311
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:52,071
But I want y'all to know
312
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,448
what your future is gonna be.
313
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:57,159
- And I--
- [audience laughing]
314
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:03,957
Not in a bad way,
I'm just trying to be informative.
315
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:07,669
Don't eat white flour and sugar.
316
00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:09,213
Okay, that's one thing.
317
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:11,882
But I wish somebody told me
what I was gonna...
318
00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:13,300
what was headed in my way.
319
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:15,344
I think I could've dealt with it better.
320
00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:18,472
Okay, there's a thing
that's gonna happen to y'all
321
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:21,600
in your late thirties, early forties.
It can start then.
322
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,770
And it comes in the middle of the night
like a ghost.
323
00:18:26,146 --> 00:18:28,524
And it's called perimenopause.
324
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,443
And nobody talks about it.
325
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:34,113
And they should
because it lasts ten years.
326
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:40,536
And these boys that are my age,
they've already been through this.
327
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:43,539
Honey, they've laid in the bed
next to a woman and thought,
328
00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:45,707
"Is that steam coming off of her?"
329
00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:47,793
[audience laughing]
330
00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:58,637
"Why is she crying
because Tanya didn't invite her
331
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,389
to the Weight Watchers meeting?"
332
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:06,687
Her hormones are just like this.
333
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:09,898
Y'all's hormones
will be similar to a middle school girl.
334
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:11,942
Do you remember that horror?
335
00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,652
Okay, that's perimenopause.
336
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:15,779
You'll know you're in it
when all of the sudden,
337
00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:18,615
you'll start sweating here
and here at night,
338
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:22,619
and you'll wake up,
and your hair will look like chicken fuzz.
339
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,791
And there's nothing you can do about it.
340
00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:31,336
I have to do
all this stuff to my hair now.
341
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:33,630
I didn't do a thing to my hair
for 25 years.
342
00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:34,798
I didn't do anything.
343
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:38,385
The only time I've spent this much time
on my hair was the '80s.
344
00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:40,470
[audience laughing]
345
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:48,604
I'm from a town of 500 people
in Middle Tennessee,
346
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:51,106
outside of Nashville,
on the Kentucky-Tennesse border.
347
00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:54,026
It's a farming community
where we grow dark-fired tobacco,
348
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:57,070
and my people are farmers on both sides,
generations back.
349
00:19:57,654 --> 00:20:01,742
And I went to this precious little school
that was kindergarten through twelve,
350
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,202
650 students.
351
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:05,704
I graduated with 42 people,
352
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,540
and they were all darling
and my best friends.
353
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:11,877
And the big percentage of them were
gonna get married right out of high school
354
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:14,546
and start farming, and I wanted to too.
355
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:17,716
I had a high school boyfriend,
and I loved him.
356
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:21,178
And he was from farming people
and went to the big-city high school.
357
00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:24,014
And, uh, I look back on it, and...
358
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:25,933
He was tiny.
359
00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:29,728
Cute. So cute,
but I could've held him like a baby.
360
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:31,813
[audience laughing]
361
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:38,070
I look at me now and I think,
362
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:41,281
"You know, as I age,
surely to goodness I'm gonna get smaller."
363
00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:45,452
My feet are getting bigger,
my hands are getting bigger.
364
00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:48,622
- [mumbling] I just walk around like that.
- [audience laughing]
365
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,126
I take pictures with people
and they're, like, right up under here.
366
00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:58,632
But I thought
that I was gonna marry that boy,
367
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:02,052
and I thought we were gonna farm,
we're gonna grow dark-fired tobacco.
368
00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:05,764
And I'm gonna can our food,
and we're gonna have six kids,
369
00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:08,267
and we're gonna let 'em
play up in a car on blocks.
370
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,936
- [audience laughing]
- [laughs] Yeah. Ugh.
371
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:12,688
So stupid I was.
372
00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:13,814
And my parents were like,
373
00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:17,067
"No, you are going, uh,
to college or in the military."
374
00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:20,946
I was like, "Oh, shit."
375
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,864
[audience laughing]
376
00:21:28,036 --> 00:21:30,706
"I cannot make it in the military. Lord."
377
00:21:31,331 --> 00:21:32,541
"I can't even mow."
378
00:21:34,835 --> 00:21:37,754
But, anyway, I know this is a long way
to talk about perimenopause.
379
00:21:37,754 --> 00:21:39,673
Just hold on with me. All right, so, we...
380
00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:42,718
Me and my high school boyfriend
would get out in his '79 Monte Carlo
381
00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:44,219
that was as long as this stage.
382
00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:46,430
And we would make out,
383
00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:49,891
and then I would go home
to my precious mama, Lucille, and say,
384
00:21:49,891 --> 00:21:50,809
"Mama,
385
00:21:51,476 --> 00:21:53,020
I must've burned my neck."
386
00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:55,731
[audience laughing]
387
00:21:58,358 --> 00:22:00,777
"I must've burned my neck
on a curling iron."
388
00:22:00,777 --> 00:22:02,863
[laughing continues]
389
00:22:04,364 --> 00:22:06,867
And she knew that was crazy, but anyway,
390
00:22:06,867 --> 00:22:09,202
she never made me feel shame, but then...
391
00:22:09,202 --> 00:22:11,580
All right, do y'all remember
being in high school,
392
00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:14,499
and just hormones running through you,
and you're like, "I wanna..."
393
00:22:14,499 --> 00:22:16,084
"I wanna make out in a car"?
394
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:18,086
[audience laughing]
395
00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:19,713
I remember.
396
00:22:20,213 --> 00:22:21,840
I wish I felt that way now.
397
00:22:22,883 --> 00:22:24,885
I wish I felt that way now.
398
00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:26,887
I could get a new purse out of that.
399
00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:29,139
[audience laughing wildly]
400
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:40,025
If I said to my husband,
401
00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:41,360
"Chuck...
402
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:44,154
suck my neck."
403
00:22:44,154 --> 00:22:46,239
[audience laughing]
404
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:55,874
"Suck my neck, Chuck."
405
00:22:55,874 --> 00:22:57,959
[laughing continues]
406
00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:03,173
"As hard as you can."
407
00:23:03,173 --> 00:23:05,258
[laughing continues]
408
00:23:09,763 --> 00:23:11,598
"Until you put a bruise on me."
409
00:23:14,142 --> 00:23:16,853
If I said that to him,
I think he would have a heart attack.
410
00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:20,774
But he'd do it.
411
00:23:20,774 --> 00:23:23,151
- [audience laughing]
- He would do it.
412
00:23:23,151 --> 00:23:25,445
But that's when you've got
all those hormones going
413
00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:26,822
in your teens and twenties.
414
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:28,198
And then you start having babies,
415
00:23:28,198 --> 00:23:31,118
and you're breastfeeding,
and then everything starts getting wonky,
416
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:34,162
and then you go through perimenopause,
and then menopause.
417
00:23:34,162 --> 00:23:37,416
That's what I'm in.
I'm probably now on the other side of it.
418
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:41,628
But that's when I had no estrogen,
no progesterone, and no testosterone.
419
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:44,714
And that makes you real bitter and angry.
420
00:23:44,714 --> 00:23:46,800
[audience laughing]
421
00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:53,056
My husband's testosterone dipped a little.
422
00:23:53,056 --> 00:23:54,474
Praise God.
423
00:23:54,474 --> 00:23:56,226
[laughing continues]
424
00:23:58,812 --> 00:24:00,480
Lord. Okay.
425
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:05,193
So, you young girls,
if I could give y'all any advice,
426
00:24:05,193 --> 00:24:06,987
and I know you haven't asked me for it,
427
00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:11,700
you need to have that date night
every week with your husband
428
00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:13,285
while your children are little
429
00:24:14,369 --> 00:24:16,246
and nurture that relationship
with your husband,
430
00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:18,165
because one day
these kids are gonna be gone,
431
00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:20,250
and you're gonna look at him,
and go, "Who are you?"
432
00:24:21,418 --> 00:24:23,879
He's gonna say, "Who are you,
and what do you want from me?
433
00:24:24,963 --> 00:24:26,173
And me and my husband...
434
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:30,302
I'm really trying to build that intimacy
back with their daddy.
435
00:24:34,222 --> 00:24:36,600
But his idea of intimacy
is different from mine.
436
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:38,685
[audience laughing]
437
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:42,939
His idea of intimacy is something nasty.
438
00:24:42,939 --> 00:24:45,025
[laughing continues]
439
00:24:50,739 --> 00:24:53,033
And that's okay.
That's the way God made him.
440
00:24:53,033 --> 00:24:54,117
That's okay.
441
00:24:54,618 --> 00:24:58,121
My idea of intimacy is, "I wanna talk."
442
00:24:58,121 --> 00:25:01,166
You know?
"I wanna talk something to death."
443
00:25:03,210 --> 00:25:04,920
He'll go, "What do you wanna talk about?"
444
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,631
I go, "I don't know, but there's
somethin' goin' on with my bladder."
445
00:25:07,631 --> 00:25:09,716
[audience laughing]
446
00:25:18,308 --> 00:25:19,976
So now it's just me and him.
447
00:25:19,976 --> 00:25:22,437
This is what we talk about all the time,
448
00:25:22,437 --> 00:25:23,772
the thermostat.
449
00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:28,193
And I'll just be honest, we fight.
We fight about it.
450
00:25:28,193 --> 00:25:32,113
Well, I say that. I've beat him down.
I've beat him down.
451
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:37,285
But I wanna keep it on 68
because I wanna live through the night.
452
00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:41,581
He wants to put it back up into the 70s.
453
00:25:41,581 --> 00:25:45,126
And I know he's cold,
and I feel terrible over it.
454
00:25:45,126 --> 00:25:46,711
I know he's cold.
455
00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:48,505
And I have that on 68,
456
00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:51,716
I have a fan coming this way,
and I have a fan coming that way.
457
00:25:52,342 --> 00:25:55,095
And he's just...
His hair's just blowing in the wind.
458
00:25:55,095 --> 00:25:57,347
[audience laughing]
459
00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:04,062
And sometimes he wears
a half-zip golf pullover to bed.
460
00:26:04,062 --> 00:26:06,147
[laughing continues]
461
00:26:08,817 --> 00:26:13,238
But another reason why
he does not want to run that thermostat
462
00:26:13,238 --> 00:26:16,199
is because he's tight with money.
463
00:26:16,199 --> 00:26:17,576
He does not wanna spend money.
464
00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:20,787
He'll say, "We don't need to be
blowin' that thing all night."
465
00:26:21,288 --> 00:26:24,708
My husband is one of the tightest people
I've ever known in my life.
466
00:26:24,708 --> 00:26:25,625
And I mean that.
467
00:26:25,625 --> 00:26:28,211
His parents said to me
before we got married, "You watch him."
468
00:26:28,211 --> 00:26:30,338
"He's like a squirrel,
he'll bury it in the yard."
469
00:26:30,463 --> 00:26:33,008
- [audience laughing]
- And thank God for him.
470
00:26:33,008 --> 00:26:35,010
Thank God for him,
because if it were up to me,
471
00:26:35,010 --> 00:26:36,136
we'd be living in a hole.
472
00:26:38,138 --> 00:26:39,472
It'd be a fun hole.
473
00:26:39,472 --> 00:26:41,558
[audience laughing]
474
00:26:43,351 --> 00:26:45,729
But he has saved,
saved, saved, saved, saved,
475
00:26:45,729 --> 00:26:48,732
and I have pissed,
pissed, pissed, pissed, pissed...
476
00:26:48,732 --> 00:26:50,859
[laughing continues]
477
00:26:50,859 --> 00:26:52,402
...money away.
478
00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:53,903
I haven't done anything crazy.
479
00:26:53,903 --> 00:26:56,531
I know people who've done a crazy mess.
I don't anything crazy.
480
00:26:56,531 --> 00:26:59,701
But I have bought
a lot of pumpkin towels at T.J. Maxx.
481
00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:01,870
[audience laughing]
482
00:27:01,870 --> 00:27:02,954
I have.
483
00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:08,710
And he's always told me,
all of our married life,
484
00:27:08,710 --> 00:27:10,795
"This is it, we're gonna lose everything."
485
00:27:11,338 --> 00:27:14,299
"We're about to lose everything.
It's gonna be a bad mobile home month."
486
00:27:15,175 --> 00:27:16,259
And that wasn't true.
487
00:27:16,259 --> 00:27:18,386
And I said to him lately,
"Why'd you say that to me?"
488
00:27:18,386 --> 00:27:20,930
And he said,
"I didn't want you to do anything crazy."
489
00:27:20,930 --> 00:27:24,684
I go, "What was I gonna do, buy all the
pink Himalayan salt at T.J. Maxx?"
490
00:27:27,103 --> 00:27:29,689
He does not believe in joy.
491
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:32,442
[audience laughing]
492
00:27:37,656 --> 00:27:39,991
[sighs] He believes in suffering.
493
00:27:42,535 --> 00:27:46,498
He's got a thing
about his family having nice cars.
494
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:49,834
He doesn't believe
that any of us should have a nice vehicle.
495
00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:53,838
He thinks we should all drive old,
beat-down vehicles
496
00:27:53,838 --> 00:27:57,550
until they fall apart in the interstate.
497
00:27:58,635 --> 00:28:02,389
It gives him joy to come have to
pick us up at the interstate.
498
00:28:05,016 --> 00:28:07,644
My kids drive old, old cars.
499
00:28:07,644 --> 00:28:09,145
I finally put my foot down.
500
00:28:09,145 --> 00:28:12,732
I was driving a 2009 white Honda Pilot,
501
00:28:12,732 --> 00:28:14,818
and they are wonderful cars, but if you...
502
00:28:14,818 --> 00:28:17,445
if you don't know
what that model looks like,
503
00:28:17,445 --> 00:28:20,198
it looks like I was delivering
Lay's potato chips.
504
00:28:20,198 --> 00:28:22,283
[audience laughing]
505
00:28:26,079 --> 00:28:27,914
I never felt pretty in it.
506
00:28:27,914 --> 00:28:29,999
[laughing continues]
507
00:28:32,085 --> 00:28:38,133
It had over 239,000 miles on it,
and lights started flashing in it saying,
508
00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:39,384
"Get out, Leanne."
509
00:28:40,552 --> 00:28:41,386
"Get out."
510
00:28:46,349 --> 00:28:50,103
He drives a 2007 Tahoe
511
00:28:50,103 --> 00:28:52,021
and the "T" and the "A" are missing.
512
00:28:52,021 --> 00:28:54,107
[audience laughing]
513
00:29:04,409 --> 00:29:09,038
But I feel bad
because I wear these old gowns to bed
514
00:29:09,038 --> 00:29:12,751
that are loose because I got
all those fans going and I'm hot.
515
00:29:12,751 --> 00:29:17,213
And so I'm wearing these old gowns,
but I've held on to two little gowns.
516
00:29:17,213 --> 00:29:20,800
Cotton gowns, no big deal,
got 'em at Target, no big deal.
517
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,344
But every time I put one of those on,
my husband's like...
518
00:29:23,928 --> 00:29:26,389
[audience laughing loudly]
519
00:29:30,643 --> 00:29:32,729
You never know what's gonna trigger him.
520
00:29:32,729 --> 00:29:34,814
[laughing continues]
521
00:29:35,857 --> 00:29:38,234
I have a good friend that said to me,
she said,
522
00:29:38,234 --> 00:29:41,696
"I've got a gas fireplace in my
master bedroom and I love that thing."
523
00:29:41,696 --> 00:29:44,657
But every time I turn it on,
Sam thinks we're gonna do it.
524
00:29:44,657 --> 00:29:46,284
[audience laughing]
525
00:29:52,290 --> 00:29:55,043
She said,
"I can't even enjoy my own fireplace."
526
00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:56,211
[laughing continues]
527
00:30:00,215 --> 00:30:03,676
All right, I know you boys have been
waiting for me to talk about my panties.
528
00:30:03,676 --> 00:30:05,887
[audience laughing]
529
00:30:05,887 --> 00:30:07,472
I know. Calm down.
530
00:30:08,473 --> 00:30:10,642
You know, I named this
"The Big Panty Tour."
531
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:13,436
I've done a hundred cities.
This is winding it down.
532
00:30:13,937 --> 00:30:16,606
- [audience cheering]
- Thank you. Thank y'all.
533
00:30:18,149 --> 00:30:19,275
Thank y'all.
534
00:30:19,275 --> 00:30:21,277
And people ask me all the time,
535
00:30:21,277 --> 00:30:25,406
"Why'd you name this The Big Panty Tour?"
And I tell people, "I like big panties."
536
00:30:27,033 --> 00:30:29,661
Big panties say to me, "Freedom!"
537
00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:32,163
[audience laughing]
538
00:30:33,331 --> 00:30:34,374
"Comfort."
539
00:30:35,959 --> 00:30:39,546
I was wearing
these tiny panties for years,
540
00:30:39,546 --> 00:30:42,173
and they were cuttin' me in two.
541
00:30:42,173 --> 00:30:44,259
[laughing continues]
542
00:30:48,638 --> 00:30:51,099
I thought,
"Who are these for, little children?"
543
00:30:52,892 --> 00:30:54,435
I love...
544
00:30:54,435 --> 00:30:56,187
Boys, are y'all watching?
545
00:30:58,439 --> 00:31:00,525
I love a high-cut brief.
546
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:02,861
[audience laughing]
547
00:31:05,738 --> 00:31:07,574
I love a high-cut brief,
548
00:31:08,074 --> 00:31:10,827
and I like it to come over my stomach.
549
00:31:10,827 --> 00:31:13,329
[audience cheering]
550
00:31:13,329 --> 00:31:14,247
Thank you.
551
00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:16,207
[cheering continues]
552
00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:17,458
Thank you.
553
00:31:18,459 --> 00:31:20,545
Thank you, and the kind that I wear
554
00:31:20,545 --> 00:31:23,131
are called Vanity Fair Lingerie,
555
00:31:23,923 --> 00:31:25,550
Beyond Comfort.
556
00:31:26,134 --> 00:31:27,802
Beyond Comfort.
557
00:31:27,802 --> 00:31:30,346
And they are soft and luxurious,
558
00:31:30,346 --> 00:31:31,973
and they don't ride up.
559
00:31:33,099 --> 00:31:34,434
They stay out of my crack.
560
00:31:34,434 --> 00:31:36,769
[audience laughing]
561
00:31:36,769 --> 00:31:38,605
I don't want anything in my crack.
562
00:31:40,481 --> 00:31:42,358
I know. Love them. Okay.
563
00:31:42,984 --> 00:31:44,235
But I want you boys to know
564
00:31:44,235 --> 00:31:47,196
that I've held on to some tiny,
little, hateful panties.
565
00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:52,410
I've kept them in a drawer,
and I get those out every once in a while...
566
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:55,455
in case some bills need to get paid,
you know what I'm sayin'?
567
00:31:55,455 --> 00:31:56,915
[audience laughing]
568
00:31:56,915 --> 00:31:59,459
[laughing continues]
569
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:11,930
Yeah.
570
00:32:13,473 --> 00:32:14,515
That's biblical.
571
00:32:19,228 --> 00:32:23,775
Let me tell y'all that my husband
gives me wonderful gifts.
572
00:32:23,775 --> 00:32:25,693
Wonderful gifts.
573
00:32:25,693 --> 00:32:27,987
And I talk about how tight he is.
And he is.
574
00:32:27,987 --> 00:32:30,657
My light features
look like Game of Thrones.
575
00:32:31,407 --> 00:32:34,452
But he's a wonderful gift-giver.
576
00:32:34,452 --> 00:32:38,164
He has given me beautiful gifts for years,
and I've given him lame gifts.
577
00:32:38,164 --> 00:32:39,540
Lame gifts
578
00:32:39,540 --> 00:32:41,292
like a pair of khakis.
579
00:32:41,292 --> 00:32:44,212
And I had heard him
all of our married life say,
580
00:32:44,212 --> 00:32:46,255
"I wish I could learn how to fly a plane."
581
00:32:46,255 --> 00:32:48,466
But he would never
spend that money on himself
582
00:32:48,466 --> 00:32:50,385
because he'd put me
and these children first,
583
00:32:50,385 --> 00:32:52,720
and wanted everybody
to get through school, and all that.
584
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:58,351
So I got him the first few lessons,
flight lessons to see if he even liked it.
585
00:32:58,351 --> 00:32:59,268
Well, he did,
586
00:32:59,268 --> 00:33:02,105
and now he's about to get
his pilot's license.
587
00:33:02,105 --> 00:33:03,856
[audience cheering]
588
00:33:03,856 --> 00:33:05,024
I know!
589
00:33:05,525 --> 00:33:07,360
I know. He's so smart.
590
00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:09,862
But let me tell you,
I didn't think that through.
591
00:33:09,862 --> 00:33:13,491
'Cause he said not long ago,
"I'll just start flying you everywhere."
592
00:33:14,701 --> 00:33:16,327
And I thought, "Oh my Lord,
593
00:33:16,327 --> 00:33:18,997
he's gonna buy
an old, rickety little plane."
594
00:33:18,997 --> 00:33:21,082
[audience laughing]
595
00:33:26,087 --> 00:33:30,800
And he believes in everybody working
like a mule, 24 hours a day.
596
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:34,137
Can't relax. Everybody's gotta work.
So I could see him...
597
00:33:34,137 --> 00:33:37,515
All right, say he flew me home tomorrow
from Lexington.
598
00:33:37,515 --> 00:33:40,018
And I've, you know,
done five shows this weekend.
599
00:33:40,018 --> 00:33:41,477
I've got on a big girdle,
600
00:33:42,395 --> 00:33:44,397
and I've given it everything I had.
601
00:33:45,481 --> 00:33:48,151
And I'll be tired in the morning.
And I could hear him saying, "Okay."
602
00:33:48,151 --> 00:33:51,487
"I know you're tired, but we're gonna
crop dust on the way home."
603
00:33:51,487 --> 00:33:53,573
[audience laughing]
604
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,664
"I'm gonna need you
to just lean out of this plane
605
00:34:01,664 --> 00:34:04,917
and throw some poison out."
606
00:34:04,917 --> 00:34:07,003
[laughing continues]
607
00:34:09,797 --> 00:34:15,636
He did buy himself a used motorcycle,
and he wanted to start riding motorcycles.
608
00:34:15,636 --> 00:34:17,722
And he did buy that for himself.
609
00:34:17,722 --> 00:34:20,391
And my little daddy, all of my life,
610
00:34:20,391 --> 00:34:23,227
has been scared to death
something would happen to me or my sister.
611
00:34:23,227 --> 00:34:25,563
And he was like,
"Don't you dare get on a motorcycle."
612
00:34:25,563 --> 00:34:28,107
That was one of the things.
It would just scare me to death.
613
00:34:28,107 --> 00:34:29,400
I was like, "I'm not going to."
614
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:31,736
Well, my husband buys one, and says...
615
00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:33,821
Because we're 30 minutes
from the Smoky Mountains,
616
00:34:33,821 --> 00:34:36,699
"Let's go ride in the mountains."
And I thought, "Oh my Lord."
617
00:34:36,699 --> 00:34:40,661
"If I get on this thing,
he's gonna pull off into the bushes,
618
00:34:40,661 --> 00:34:42,789
and make me do something horrible."
619
00:34:42,789 --> 00:34:45,124
[audience laughing wildly]
620
00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:54,884
And I can't be scared
621
00:34:55,384 --> 00:34:56,385
and do it.
622
00:35:02,642 --> 00:35:04,227
All right, well, let me tell y'all.
623
00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:06,562
Let me get back to what it's like,
us going to bed.
624
00:35:06,562 --> 00:35:07,480
Okay.
625
00:35:07,980 --> 00:35:10,733
Young girls, when y'all get through this...
626
00:35:10,733 --> 00:35:12,902
When you start going through
these hormonal changes,
627
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:14,237
it'll disrupt your sleep.
628
00:35:14,237 --> 00:35:17,156
Not everybody,
but the majority of people, it will.
629
00:35:17,156 --> 00:35:19,659
And it did me. I haven't slept in years.
630
00:35:20,910 --> 00:35:23,371
And I said to my nurse practitioner,
631
00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:26,833
"I can't sleep."
And she said, "Do you want some Ambien?"
632
00:35:26,833 --> 00:35:29,502
And I was like, "I would love some Ambien,
633
00:35:30,002 --> 00:35:31,754
but will I get hooked on dope?"
634
00:35:31,754 --> 00:35:33,840
[audience laughing]
635
00:35:35,508 --> 00:35:38,803
Marijuana is not legal
here in Kentucky, right?
636
00:35:38,803 --> 00:35:41,139
It's not in Tennessee either. Okay.
637
00:35:41,139 --> 00:35:44,892
I don't mean to scare y'all,
but I travel all over the United States.
638
00:35:44,892 --> 00:35:49,147
And let me tell you something, everybody...
everybody is high on marijuana.
639
00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:50,439
Everybody!
640
00:35:53,943 --> 00:35:57,738
Everywhere I go, I walk down the street,
walk in the elevator...
641
00:35:57,738 --> 00:35:59,907
I didn't know
what was happening for a long time.
642
00:35:59,907 --> 00:36:02,034
And I thought,
"Who's boiling all this cabbage?"
643
00:36:02,034 --> 00:36:05,037
[audience laughing wildly]
644
00:36:14,797 --> 00:36:18,301
But my nurse practitioner
got my compound pharmacist
645
00:36:18,301 --> 00:36:23,347
to make me a natural supplement pill
646
00:36:23,347 --> 00:36:24,974
that I keep by the bed.
647
00:36:24,974 --> 00:36:26,184
And it's okay.
648
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:30,479
It's melatonin, L-theanine,
GABA, passion flower, that kind of stuff.
649
00:36:30,479 --> 00:36:33,524
And I keep it by the bed in a pill bottle.
650
00:36:34,150 --> 00:36:37,403
And my husband is still tickled with me,
if you know what I mean.
651
00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:40,698
And he comes into our bedroom,
652
00:36:40,698 --> 00:36:42,241
about every night,
653
00:36:42,241 --> 00:36:44,118
flaring his nostrils at me.
654
00:36:44,118 --> 00:36:46,204
[audience laughing]
655
00:36:52,043 --> 00:36:53,961
And I know what that means, and...
656
00:36:56,756 --> 00:36:58,299
I wish he'd speak to me.
657
00:36:58,299 --> 00:37:00,384
[laughing continues]
658
00:37:04,513 --> 00:37:05,723
That'd be fun.
659
00:37:07,266 --> 00:37:09,602
But he comes in,
and flares his nostrils at me,
660
00:37:09,602 --> 00:37:11,687
and I say to him, "Okay, okay."
661
00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:13,731
"Yes, we can do it."
662
00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:15,066
Um...
663
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:18,945
"But just know
that if you hear that pill bottle shake,
664
00:37:18,945 --> 00:37:20,613
that means I've taken a pill."
665
00:37:21,906 --> 00:37:24,575
"And that means
that you've got less than 20 minutes."
666
00:37:24,575 --> 00:37:26,661
[audience laughing]
667
00:37:29,622 --> 00:37:32,625
"And then my eyes
are gonna roll back in my head."
668
00:37:34,502 --> 00:37:37,672
"And then I'm gonna need you
to leave me alone at that point."
669
00:37:38,965 --> 00:37:43,094
And he gets hyper-focused on his phone,
looking at sports or something.
670
00:37:43,094 --> 00:37:44,929
And then I'm over here
671
00:37:44,929 --> 00:37:47,223
with two beagles in the bed,
672
00:37:47,765 --> 00:37:48,641
in a gown,
673
00:37:48,641 --> 00:37:50,184
and praying to the dear Lord,
674
00:37:50,184 --> 00:37:53,020
"Please let me sleep through the night,
Lord, please."
675
00:37:53,020 --> 00:37:56,148
"Please let me sleep through the night."
And I drift off to sleep.
676
00:37:56,148 --> 00:37:58,192
And then my husband remembers me.
677
00:37:58,192 --> 00:38:00,278
[audience laughing]
678
00:38:03,531 --> 00:38:05,741
And I'm over here, dead to the world,
679
00:38:06,325 --> 00:38:07,660
and he reaches over,
680
00:38:07,660 --> 00:38:09,537
and grabs one of my breasts.
681
00:38:09,537 --> 00:38:11,622
[laughing continues]
682
00:38:12,915 --> 00:38:15,334
And it puts me into a blind rage.
683
00:38:18,754 --> 00:38:20,756
[audience clapping]
684
00:38:25,845 --> 00:38:27,263
All right, let me tell y'all
685
00:38:27,263 --> 00:38:29,974
about these precious children
that I got to have.
686
00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:31,309
I got to have three,
687
00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:33,352
and I begged their daddy
for a fourth baby.
688
00:38:33,352 --> 00:38:35,980
And he was so worried
about making a living for all of us.
689
00:38:35,980 --> 00:38:38,524
He was like, "We can't afford that,
we don't need to do it."
690
00:38:38,524 --> 00:38:42,695
And probably about ten years after that,
so I was probably about 48, 49 years old,
691
00:38:42,695 --> 00:38:44,780
he said, "You know, I was wrong."
692
00:38:44,780 --> 00:38:47,450
"We're never gonna have enough money.
What difference does it make?"
693
00:38:47,950 --> 00:38:49,493
"Do you wanna have another baby?"
694
00:38:49,493 --> 00:38:50,703
And I said,
695
00:38:51,704 --> 00:38:53,414
"I've got plantar fasciitis."
696
00:38:53,414 --> 00:38:55,499
[audience laughing]
697
00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:09,388
I'd leave a baby at Target by accident.
698
00:39:12,266 --> 00:39:14,060
But I got to have three.
699
00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:18,314
And my boy is my oldest,
he's 29, then I've got two girls.
700
00:39:18,314 --> 00:39:19,982
All right, my boy is...
701
00:39:19,982 --> 00:39:22,526
You know,
we're right next to the Smoky Mountains,
702
00:39:22,526 --> 00:39:25,196
so he's grown up hiking,
kayaking, fly-fishing,
703
00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:27,573
doing all that outdoorsy stuff,
and he loves it.
704
00:39:27,573 --> 00:39:30,159
So when it was time
for him to pick a college,
705
00:39:30,159 --> 00:39:33,871
he chose Berry College
in Rome, Georgia, B-E-R-R-Y.
706
00:39:33,871 --> 00:39:37,249
What they're known for,
it's the largest campus in the world.
707
00:39:37,249 --> 00:39:40,002
It's 26,000 acres of reserve.
708
00:39:40,669 --> 00:39:43,506
There, you have mountain bike trails,
all the stuff he loves.
709
00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:47,134
Rock climbing, all this stuff.
There's only 2,000 students there.
710
00:39:47,134 --> 00:39:49,929
So there are more deer
than there are children.
711
00:39:50,596 --> 00:39:52,515
And they have these entrepreneurships.
712
00:39:52,515 --> 00:39:54,767
And everybody there has a job,
has to work,
713
00:39:54,767 --> 00:39:58,396
but my boy
started the cage-free egg enterprise
714
00:39:58,396 --> 00:40:01,399
and raised 200 chickens
while he was in college,
715
00:40:01,399 --> 00:40:04,693
and sold the eggs
to the local restaurants and cafeteria.
716
00:40:04,693 --> 00:40:06,445
And it's still going to this day.
717
00:40:06,445 --> 00:40:09,532
[audience cheering and applauding]
718
00:40:12,743 --> 00:40:14,412
I know. Is that not darling?
719
00:40:14,412 --> 00:40:15,371
Yummy.
720
00:40:17,790 --> 00:40:21,127
Do y'all wanna know what I was doing
at the University of Tennessee in 1983?
721
00:40:21,127 --> 00:40:23,170
[audience laughing]
722
00:40:23,170 --> 00:40:25,881
I was not raising chickens, honey.
723
00:40:25,881 --> 00:40:28,467
[laughing continues]
724
00:40:30,177 --> 00:40:33,889
I was doing horrible things.
Horrible things.
725
00:40:33,889 --> 00:40:36,225
I was making horrible decisions.
726
00:40:36,225 --> 00:40:37,143
Horrible.
727
00:40:37,143 --> 00:40:39,728
I was dating people
you wouldn't wipe your feet on.
728
00:40:39,728 --> 00:40:41,147
[audience laughing]
729
00:40:41,147 --> 00:40:42,565
But I'm okay now.
730
00:40:42,565 --> 00:40:45,401
I've been washed in the blood,
and I've been forgiven.
731
00:40:45,401 --> 00:40:48,112
- [audience cheering and clapping]
- Thank you.
732
00:40:51,365 --> 00:40:56,745
My boy had a roommate all through college
that was an outdoorsy little feller,
733
00:40:56,745 --> 00:41:00,875
and he had been
in a gospel quartet in high school.
734
00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:03,752
And this little kid,
his mama and daddy raised cattle,
735
00:41:03,752 --> 00:41:05,671
so this child knew all about cattle.
736
00:41:05,671 --> 00:41:10,551
So Berry College put this child
in charge of hundreds of heads of cattle.
737
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:12,428
You boys that are my age,
738
00:41:12,428 --> 00:41:15,222
do y'all remember that poster
everybody had in their bedroom?
739
00:41:15,222 --> 00:41:17,099
All the boys had it in their dorm room.
740
00:41:17,099 --> 00:41:20,478
And it was that poster of Farrah Fawcett
in that red bathing suit.
741
00:41:20,978 --> 00:41:22,771
Yes, with her nipple.
742
00:41:22,771 --> 00:41:24,648
[audience chuckling]
743
00:41:24,648 --> 00:41:25,733
Beautiful.
744
00:41:26,317 --> 00:41:28,486
I go to visit my boy and his roommate,
745
00:41:28,486 --> 00:41:31,322
and they've got posters
of Jersey cows on the wall.
746
00:41:31,322 --> 00:41:33,741
[audience laughing]
747
00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:41,707
They had been out fishing
or doing something
748
00:41:41,707 --> 00:41:45,628
and had found a little baby beaver
that had been...
749
00:41:45,628 --> 00:41:48,756
her mom had been killed,
or she had been abandoned, somethin'.
750
00:41:48,756 --> 00:41:50,716
They bring her back to the dorm room.
751
00:41:50,716 --> 00:41:52,927
I go to visit that weekend.
752
00:41:52,927 --> 00:41:54,803
I walk in, and my boy
753
00:41:54,803 --> 00:41:58,349
is holding a little baby beaver
in the palm of his hand,
754
00:41:58,849 --> 00:42:00,518
feeding her a kitten bottle.
755
00:42:01,268 --> 00:42:02,102
And I said,
756
00:42:02,102 --> 00:42:04,396
"How do you even know what to feed her?"
757
00:42:04,396 --> 00:42:06,607
He said, "I've called the beaver hotline."
758
00:42:06,607 --> 00:42:08,692
[audience laughing]
759
00:42:12,446 --> 00:42:14,448
[laughing continues]
760
00:42:19,828 --> 00:42:21,664
They named her Bathsheba.
761
00:42:22,957 --> 00:42:24,124
From the Bible.
762
00:42:24,625 --> 00:42:27,211
And all these boys in this dorm floor
763
00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:30,172
took care of Bathsheba
when other people had to go to class,
764
00:42:30,172 --> 00:42:31,298
and they all loved her.
765
00:42:31,298 --> 00:42:34,677
And then some kid with some sense
walked in one day and said,
766
00:42:34,677 --> 00:42:36,303
"I think this is illegal."
767
00:42:36,303 --> 00:42:38,389
[audience laughing]
768
00:42:40,391 --> 00:42:42,476
"We're not even
supposed to have a dog in here,
769
00:42:44,103 --> 00:42:45,771
much less a wild beaver."
770
00:42:46,897 --> 00:42:49,567
And my boy said,
"I cannot give her up. I love her."
771
00:42:49,567 --> 00:42:51,277
And his roommate said, "Charlie,
772
00:42:51,277 --> 00:42:53,737
she's gonna grow up
and eat your kitchen table."
773
00:42:53,737 --> 00:42:55,823
[audience laughing]
774
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:02,496
So they found a woman in Atlanta
775
00:43:02,496 --> 00:43:05,249
that takes care of wild animals
on the down-low,
776
00:43:05,749 --> 00:43:10,129
and they transported a beaver
in the middle of the night.
777
00:43:11,672 --> 00:43:13,632
And that woman took care of Bathsheba
778
00:43:13,632 --> 00:43:16,051
until Bathsheba got big enough
to kill that little woman.
779
00:43:16,051 --> 00:43:18,178
[audience laughing]
780
00:43:18,178 --> 00:43:22,308
My boy met his wife
his freshman year in class,
781
00:43:22,308 --> 00:43:26,103
and came home to me and said,
"I've met the love of my life."
782
00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:27,771
"She's my best friend."
783
00:43:27,771 --> 00:43:31,233
"This is who I'm gonna marry."
And I was like, "Who is this heifer?"
784
00:43:31,233 --> 00:43:33,319
[audience laughing]
785
00:43:38,991 --> 00:43:41,994
And I love my little daughter-in-law,
and she's like another child to me.
786
00:43:41,994 --> 00:43:43,912
She really is, but, Lord...
787
00:43:43,912 --> 00:43:45,581
Okay, you younger girls,
788
00:43:45,581 --> 00:43:49,168
if y'all got sons,
I'm not trying to scare you,
789
00:43:49,168 --> 00:43:50,336
but they will grow up
790
00:43:50,336 --> 00:43:53,547
and you will have to
hand him over to somebody else.
791
00:43:54,214 --> 00:43:55,633
And it is a booger.
792
00:43:57,384 --> 00:44:00,054
And I love her,
but two weeks before they got married,
793
00:44:00,054 --> 00:44:01,305
I took to the bed.
794
00:44:01,305 --> 00:44:03,390
[audience laughing]
795
00:44:08,187 --> 00:44:11,106
I took to the bed and bawled my eyes out,
796
00:44:11,106 --> 00:44:14,902
and he came to me and said,
"You need to get a hold of yourself."
797
00:44:15,944 --> 00:44:17,696
They had a beautiful big wedding,
798
00:44:17,696 --> 00:44:20,783
and that morning I got my hair
and makeup professionally done.
799
00:44:20,783 --> 00:44:22,368
You would never know it.
800
00:44:22,951 --> 00:44:24,286
Every picture, I'm going...
801
00:44:25,162 --> 00:44:28,165
- [audience laughing]
- [mouthing]
802
00:44:30,417 --> 00:44:32,252
But everything turned out beautiful,
803
00:44:32,252 --> 00:44:35,255
and let me tell you
what wonderful thing comes out of that.
804
00:44:35,255 --> 00:44:37,383
They have had my first grandbaby.
805
00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:39,009
[audience cheering]
806
00:44:41,136 --> 00:44:43,097
Thank y'all. We are having a ball.
807
00:44:43,097 --> 00:44:46,850
That yummy baby is two years old now,
808
00:44:46,850 --> 00:44:47,935
and he is precious.
809
00:44:47,935 --> 00:44:51,021
And people would say to me,
"It's the best thing that happens to you."
810
00:44:51,021 --> 00:44:53,941
And I feel like I received that,
but you don't know until you have 'em.
811
00:44:53,941 --> 00:44:57,069
Oh my gosh, if we are not having a ball.
812
00:44:58,070 --> 00:45:00,531
I hope I'm his best friend.
813
00:45:01,699 --> 00:45:02,991
He's my best friend.
814
00:45:04,410 --> 00:45:07,830
And every time I see him, I say,
"I'm buying you a camper."
815
00:45:07,830 --> 00:45:09,915
[audience laughing]
816
00:45:11,583 --> 00:45:14,753
And then my husband says,
"Oh, yeah, Leanne, just throw money."
817
00:45:14,753 --> 00:45:15,879
"Just throw money."
818
00:45:15,879 --> 00:45:17,631
[audience laughing]
819
00:45:17,631 --> 00:45:20,175
"You don't need a camper.
You don't know how to camp."
820
00:45:20,175 --> 00:45:22,845
[whining] "You need to rent a camper
to see if you like camping."
821
00:45:22,845 --> 00:45:24,930
[audience laughing]
822
00:45:31,186 --> 00:45:34,523
Y'all should see
how beautiful and stout this baby is.
823
00:45:34,523 --> 00:45:38,527
I'm a big woman, my husband is 6'4",
we breed big kids.
824
00:45:38,527 --> 00:45:42,114
This baby eats chicken and steak
by the fistfuls.
825
00:45:42,740 --> 00:45:46,326
And we just go,
"Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!"
826
00:45:48,537 --> 00:45:51,498
Y'all should see him
in the yard with no shirt on,
827
00:45:51,498 --> 00:45:53,292
mowing with a bubble mower.
828
00:45:53,292 --> 00:45:54,960
[audience laughing]
829
00:45:54,960 --> 00:45:56,962
Oh my Lord. Beautiful.
830
00:45:57,629 --> 00:46:00,966
I was in an Uber with a man up north,
and this man...
831
00:46:00,966 --> 00:46:02,718
We were talking about our grandchildren,
832
00:46:02,718 --> 00:46:05,345
and he's got a grandson,
and he's in love with him, and he said,
833
00:46:05,345 --> 00:46:08,182
"I love him so much
that if he came to me and said,
834
00:46:08,182 --> 00:46:10,309
'Granddaddy, I've killed somebody,
835
00:46:10,809 --> 00:46:12,352
I'm gonna need some help.'"
836
00:46:13,103 --> 00:46:14,438
He said, "I'd do it."
837
00:46:14,438 --> 00:46:16,523
[audience laughing]
838
00:46:17,816 --> 00:46:19,443
And the first thing I thought was,
839
00:46:19,443 --> 00:46:22,362
"I'm in an Uber with a man
who would cover up a murder."
840
00:46:22,362 --> 00:46:24,448
[laughing continues]
841
00:46:26,533 --> 00:46:30,412
And then the second thing I thought was,
"I'd help my baby cover up a murder."
842
00:46:30,412 --> 00:46:31,497
[audience laughing]
843
00:46:35,667 --> 00:46:39,171
When my boy and his wife
found out about this precious baby,
844
00:46:39,171 --> 00:46:41,423
they would say, "Their baby."
845
00:46:45,385 --> 00:46:47,471
And we would say, "Our baby."
846
00:46:48,847 --> 00:46:51,683
And then they started
using words like "boundaries."
847
00:46:51,683 --> 00:46:53,769
[audience laughing]
848
00:46:56,104 --> 00:46:59,316
They'd start saying things like,
"Oh, yeah, so-and-so needs to
849
00:46:59,316 --> 00:47:02,236
place some boundaries
with her mother and father-in-law."
850
00:47:03,737 --> 00:47:06,532
And I just smiled,
and kept my mouth shut, and went...
851
00:47:08,700 --> 00:47:10,077
And I thought to myself,
852
00:47:10,077 --> 00:47:12,287
"They don't know
what's about to hit them."
853
00:47:12,287 --> 00:47:13,705
[audience laughing]
854
00:47:13,705 --> 00:47:17,292
They're gonna have this precious baby,
and they're gonna be up all night.
855
00:47:17,292 --> 00:47:19,795
And that's gonna go into weeks and months.
856
00:47:19,795 --> 00:47:23,006
And then my little daughter-in-law's
gonna start hallucinating.
857
00:47:24,049 --> 00:47:27,344
And then she's gonna wake up in the night
and she'll be breastfeeding a lamp.
858
00:47:27,344 --> 00:47:29,429
[audience laughing]
859
00:47:33,141 --> 00:47:35,185
And we'll see who's got boundaries.
860
00:47:35,185 --> 00:47:37,229
[laughing continues]
861
00:47:37,229 --> 00:47:39,356
[audience applauding]
862
00:47:39,356 --> 00:47:40,524
Thank you.
863
00:47:41,191 --> 00:47:43,735
- [audience cheering]
- Thank you.
864
00:47:45,237 --> 00:47:46,989
Thank y'all. Well, I was right.
865
00:47:46,989 --> 00:47:49,783
I was right.
I'm the mama, I know everything.
866
00:47:49,783 --> 00:47:52,536
So, they work full time, both of them,
867
00:47:52,536 --> 00:47:54,913
and my daughter-in-law
has been going to MBA school
868
00:47:54,913 --> 00:47:56,331
at night and on the weekends.
869
00:47:56,331 --> 00:48:00,377
So they are so tired and crazy,
they don't even know their own name.
870
00:48:00,377 --> 00:48:02,254
They don't even call us anymore.
871
00:48:02,254 --> 00:48:04,506
They just let that little baby
off in the yard.
872
00:48:04,506 --> 00:48:06,592
[audience laughing]
873
00:48:07,593 --> 00:48:11,263
We get him any time we want him.
874
00:48:11,263 --> 00:48:13,765
- [audience clapping]
- Thank y'all.
875
00:48:13,765 --> 00:48:16,184
And we want him all the time.
876
00:48:16,184 --> 00:48:19,563
My husband, I said to him the other day,
"Do you wish we could raise him?"
877
00:48:19,563 --> 00:48:21,481
And he said, "I am gonna raise him."
878
00:48:21,481 --> 00:48:23,567
[audience laughing]
879
00:48:25,027 --> 00:48:26,320
Do you girls that are my age,
880
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:29,031
do y'all remember that book
What to Expect When You're Expecting?
881
00:48:29,823 --> 00:48:31,575
Yeah, that was a hateful book.
882
00:48:31,575 --> 00:48:33,660
[audience laughing]
883
00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:36,413
It said things like,
884
00:48:36,413 --> 00:48:38,415
"You're gonna have a hemorrhoid
885
00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:41,543
in the seventh month,
886
00:48:41,543 --> 00:48:43,295
on the fourth day
887
00:48:44,296 --> 00:48:46,798
at two o'clock in the afternoon."
888
00:48:46,798 --> 00:48:48,759
And I'd be like, "That's crazy."
889
00:48:49,885 --> 00:48:51,887
[audience laughing]
890
00:48:56,266 --> 00:48:59,186
Back then, everybody was worried to death
about a food allergy.
891
00:48:59,186 --> 00:49:02,689
And I wanted everything
to be perfect with my first baby.
892
00:49:02,689 --> 00:49:05,734
And I had charts hanging in my kitchen.
893
00:49:05,734 --> 00:49:07,027
And I made sure that
894
00:49:07,027 --> 00:49:09,863
I didn't give him squash
until I cleared sweet potatoes.
895
00:49:09,863 --> 00:49:12,366
And I was so anal-retentive about it.
896
00:49:12,366 --> 00:49:15,243
And I did well with my second baby,
did well with her,
897
00:49:15,243 --> 00:49:16,662
but that third baby...
898
00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:19,748
We were at McDonald's.
899
00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:21,792
- And...
- [audience laughing]
900
00:49:22,793 --> 00:49:26,046
She was sitting in a high chair.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
901
00:49:26,046 --> 00:49:27,673
And she didn't have teeth yet,
902
00:49:27,673 --> 00:49:32,636
and I took a cheeseburger,
and flung it onto her high chair.
903
00:49:33,178 --> 00:49:35,555
- And she gummed it down.
- [audience laughing]
904
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:44,648
And my other two
were playing in the balls and the tube.
905
00:49:44,648 --> 00:49:47,150
And I remember a woman
coming over intercom, and she said,
906
00:49:47,150 --> 00:49:49,444
"Ma'am, your baby has pooped in the tube."
907
00:49:49,444 --> 00:49:51,530
[audience laughing]
908
00:49:54,825 --> 00:49:56,868
So I had to crawl up in that tube,
909
00:49:57,786 --> 00:49:59,913
get my baby, pull my baby down.
910
00:49:59,913 --> 00:50:01,456
Mine loved the balls.
911
00:50:01,456 --> 00:50:03,875
I don't even know
if they have balls anymore,
912
00:50:03,875 --> 00:50:06,336
because of all the disease going around.
913
00:50:07,212 --> 00:50:08,422
Mine loved the balls.
914
00:50:08,422 --> 00:50:11,174
Mine would be playing in the balls,
having a big time.
915
00:50:11,174 --> 00:50:13,677
And then a dirty diaper
would go floating across.
916
00:50:13,677 --> 00:50:15,762
[audience laughing]
917
00:50:16,888 --> 00:50:19,683
They'd find a chicken nugget
that wasn't theirs and go...
918
00:50:19,683 --> 00:50:22,310
[laughing continues]
919
00:50:22,310 --> 00:50:24,021
They were horrible.
920
00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:31,528
Okay, my middle child
is my oldest daughter.
921
00:50:31,528 --> 00:50:36,116
And you may have seen a video about me
talking about how hateful she was
922
00:50:36,116 --> 00:50:37,617
when she was a teenager.
923
00:50:38,201 --> 00:50:40,203
- [audience member whoops]
- Thank you.
924
00:50:40,829 --> 00:50:43,582
- Well, I'm not taking that back.
- [audience laughing]
925
00:50:44,958 --> 00:50:46,752
We were scared to death of her.
926
00:50:47,252 --> 00:50:50,172
If you've got a teenage girl
and you're going through that,
927
00:50:50,172 --> 00:50:52,674
let me give you this hope,
they're gonna come out of that.
928
00:50:52,674 --> 00:50:55,927
It's gonna take a long time,
but they're gonna come out of that,
929
00:50:55,927 --> 00:50:58,805
and then they come back around,
and end up your very best friend.
930
00:50:58,805 --> 00:51:00,599
I know! Girls.
931
00:51:00,599 --> 00:51:01,516
Yummy.
932
00:51:01,516 --> 00:51:05,979
Okay, she takes care of me
just like I'm her baby now.
933
00:51:05,979 --> 00:51:09,191
She calls and checks on me,
calls me three or four times a day.
934
00:51:09,191 --> 00:51:11,985
"Mom, did you get where you're going?
Are you in Des Moines?"
935
00:51:11,985 --> 00:51:13,528
"Are you all right?"
936
00:51:13,528 --> 00:51:16,406
I go, "Yeah, baby, thank you.
Tell your daddy."
937
00:51:16,406 --> 00:51:17,741
[audience laughing]
938
00:51:25,040 --> 00:51:28,251
She decided to go
to the University of Tennessee.
939
00:51:28,251 --> 00:51:30,295
And it's only
20 minutes down the road from us,
940
00:51:30,295 --> 00:51:33,381
but we never saw her
because she was very involved on campus.
941
00:51:33,381 --> 00:51:37,344
And she was in a sorority,
and she lived at the sorority house,
942
00:51:37,344 --> 00:51:39,137
was on their executive board.
943
00:51:39,137 --> 00:51:41,681
And let me brag on her a little bit
and tell y'all
944
00:51:41,681 --> 00:51:45,018
that she was on the homecoming court
of that big SEC school.
945
00:51:45,018 --> 00:51:46,812
And she looked like a movie star.
946
00:51:46,812 --> 00:51:48,480
- [audience cheering]
- Thank you.
947
00:51:50,565 --> 00:51:51,566
Thank y'all.
948
00:51:51,566 --> 00:51:54,361
And I'm telling y'all that
because I live through her.
949
00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:56,488
[audience laughing]
950
00:51:56,488 --> 00:51:59,866
Nobody ever asked me
to be on the homecoming court
951
00:52:00,367 --> 00:52:02,994
because I was smoking cigarettes
behind the dumpster.
952
00:52:02,994 --> 00:52:04,287
[laughing continues]
953
00:52:07,707 --> 00:52:11,503
She has a heart
for children going through severe illness,
954
00:52:11,503 --> 00:52:14,548
so she went to work for Make-A-Wish
right out of college,
955
00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:19,052
and then now she raises money in Knoxville
for East Tennessee Children's Hospital,
956
00:52:19,052 --> 00:52:20,387
and is in development with them.
957
00:52:20,387 --> 00:52:22,055
- [audience clapping]
- Thank you.
958
00:52:22,722 --> 00:52:23,557
Thank you.
959
00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:26,643
And being in non-profit,
960
00:52:26,643 --> 00:52:29,396
she doesn't care a thing in the world
about material things or money,
961
00:52:29,396 --> 00:52:30,313
she really doesn't.
962
00:52:30,313 --> 00:52:33,400
And she had a big birthday, and I said,
"This is a big one."
963
00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:36,111
"Let's get you something really good.
What do you want?"
964
00:52:36,111 --> 00:52:39,531
And she said, "Well, I could use
some new prescription glasses."
965
00:52:39,531 --> 00:52:41,366
[audience laughing]
966
00:52:41,366 --> 00:52:43,160
I said, "Oh, fun."
967
00:52:45,453 --> 00:52:48,748
"We'll get you those, and how about
we get you a flu shot to go with it?"
968
00:52:48,748 --> 00:52:49,833
[audience laughing]
969
00:52:54,296 --> 00:52:56,298
My baby child is 24,
970
00:52:56,298 --> 00:52:59,885
my youngest daughter,
and she's a professional makeup artist.
971
00:52:59,885 --> 00:53:03,555
Some of y'all may have seen her
do videos on me during the pandemic.
972
00:53:03,555 --> 00:53:05,348
- [audience clapping]
- Thank you.
973
00:53:06,808 --> 00:53:09,644
Well, she loves money. She loves money.
974
00:53:10,312 --> 00:53:11,646
And very bougie.
975
00:53:11,646 --> 00:53:13,857
So if you saw her do videos on me,
976
00:53:13,857 --> 00:53:16,568
just know I had to Venmo her
right after it was over.
977
00:53:16,568 --> 00:53:18,028
[audience laughing]
978
00:53:19,529 --> 00:53:22,324
But, no, she's been a joy and a doll.
979
00:53:22,324 --> 00:53:24,743
I had my children all real close together.
980
00:53:24,743 --> 00:53:28,538
My girls are 20 months apart.
And so when I had her, it was a blur.
981
00:53:28,538 --> 00:53:31,541
And I gotta tell you, I was beat down.
982
00:53:32,209 --> 00:53:35,170
And I did not know my own name.
983
00:53:35,170 --> 00:53:39,299
I did the best I could
with what I had at the time.
984
00:53:39,299 --> 00:53:41,718
I really tried, did the best I could.
985
00:53:41,718 --> 00:53:44,387
But I let her do whatever she wanted to.
986
00:53:44,387 --> 00:53:45,430
I did.
987
00:53:45,972 --> 00:53:47,766
She's turned out good for all that.
988
00:53:47,766 --> 00:53:50,852
Okay, are there any teachers in here?
989
00:53:51,436 --> 00:53:53,855
[scattered clapping]
990
00:53:54,397 --> 00:53:57,150
Okay, we didn't hear them clap big
'cause they raised her hand.
991
00:53:57,150 --> 00:53:59,152
- [audience laughing]
- Sweet.
992
00:53:59,152 --> 00:54:03,031
I don't know how y'all do it.
God did not call me to do it.
993
00:54:03,031 --> 00:54:05,283
If I was a teacher,
I'd be running out this highway
994
00:54:05,283 --> 00:54:08,495
- with my bra on the outside of my clothes.
- [audience laughing]
995
00:54:11,122 --> 00:54:15,585
My teachers for my children were wonderful
and helped me so much.
996
00:54:15,585 --> 00:54:20,006
And they liked me, and I loved them,
and they invited me on every field trip.
997
00:54:20,006 --> 00:54:20,966
They did.
998
00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:23,426
I got to go
on every field trip with three children.
999
00:54:23,426 --> 00:54:24,970
And y'all know why they invited me?
1000
00:54:25,553 --> 00:54:26,596
Because I'm fun.
1001
00:54:27,097 --> 00:54:29,349
And I'm not a butthole.
1002
00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:31,518
[audience laughing]
1003
00:54:31,518 --> 00:54:34,396
So if you're not getting invited
on the field trips...
1004
00:54:34,396 --> 00:54:36,481
[laughing continues]
1005
00:54:39,150 --> 00:54:40,735
...you may wanna look inward.
1006
00:54:40,735 --> 00:54:43,071
[laughing continues]
1007
00:54:43,071 --> 00:54:45,699
But I want y'all to know
that with those first two,
1008
00:54:45,699 --> 00:54:47,659
I was on top of my game. I really was.
1009
00:54:47,659 --> 00:54:49,494
I was helping in the classroom,
1010
00:54:49,494 --> 00:54:51,705
and I was bringing muffins,
and I was all up in there.
1011
00:54:51,705 --> 00:54:54,291
At then at night,
I would be doing flashcards,
1012
00:54:54,291 --> 00:54:56,418
and I'd be drilling those first two.
1013
00:54:56,418 --> 00:54:58,962
"You're gonna make 100
on this spelling test and I mean it!"
1014
00:54:58,962 --> 00:55:00,839
And they were scared to death.
1015
00:55:01,423 --> 00:55:02,799
That third baby...
1016
00:55:04,259 --> 00:55:07,012
I remember asking one of her teachers,
"Can she read?"
1017
00:55:07,012 --> 00:55:09,097
[audience laughing]
1018
00:55:18,523 --> 00:55:20,900
We went to meet her first-grade teacher.
1019
00:55:20,900 --> 00:55:22,110
And I, we...
1020
00:55:22,110 --> 00:55:25,238
I had a minivan, and I know...
I know we got there.
1021
00:55:26,156 --> 00:55:27,824
I know they had clothes on.
1022
00:55:28,533 --> 00:55:31,161
When they were little bitty,
it was just like a swarm of bees,
1023
00:55:31,161 --> 00:55:33,997
and I don't even know how we got anywhere,
I was so crazy.
1024
00:55:34,581 --> 00:55:36,624
And we went to meet
this first-grade teacher,
1025
00:55:36,624 --> 00:55:38,752
and I just didn't pay attention
to what was goin' on.
1026
00:55:38,752 --> 00:55:39,919
And we walk in there,
1027
00:55:39,919 --> 00:55:43,131
and this first-grade teacher
has no makeup on and Birkenstocks.
1028
00:55:43,131 --> 00:55:46,426
And I look down, and my baby child,
six years old,
1029
00:55:46,426 --> 00:55:48,511
has got on full contour makeup.
1030
00:55:51,306 --> 00:55:54,225
Lee Press-On Nails,
they're this long, and she's going...
1031
00:55:55,101 --> 00:55:56,644
[audience laughing]
1032
00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:02,233
And I thought, "Oh, shit."
1033
00:56:02,233 --> 00:56:03,735
[laughing continues]
1034
00:56:06,071 --> 00:56:08,365
My husband is very, very smart in math,
1035
00:56:08,365 --> 00:56:10,742
and has an undergraduate
and then a master's
1036
00:56:10,742 --> 00:56:12,744
in some kind of math something.
1037
00:56:13,370 --> 00:56:14,412
I don't know.
1038
00:56:14,913 --> 00:56:16,998
Our first date, he said,
"I love a derivative,"
1039
00:56:16,998 --> 00:56:19,334
and I remember thinking, "Okay."
1040
00:56:19,334 --> 00:56:21,961
- [audience laughing]
- "Why? Okay."
1041
00:56:23,922 --> 00:56:27,884
But he bred with me and has three children
that cannot do math.
1042
00:56:29,511 --> 00:56:31,054
All of them took after me.
1043
00:56:31,054 --> 00:56:33,640
- But they're fun. They're fun.
- [audience laughing]
1044
00:56:34,265 --> 00:56:36,267
And they're not buttholes, you know?
1045
00:56:36,267 --> 00:56:38,436
- [audience clapping]
- I know, thank you.
1046
00:56:39,687 --> 00:56:43,900
So when my baby child was in third grade,
they started that old, mean long division,
1047
00:56:43,900 --> 00:56:45,360
and she hated it.
1048
00:56:45,360 --> 00:56:48,696
During long division,
she'd go up to her teacher and go, "Phew."
1049
00:56:48,696 --> 00:56:50,198
"I got a sick headache."
1050
00:56:51,866 --> 00:56:53,701
"I'm gonna need an ibuprofen."
1051
00:56:54,869 --> 00:56:57,247
And her teacher
would send her to the nurse's office,
1052
00:56:57,247 --> 00:56:58,498
which really wasn't a nurse.
1053
00:56:58,498 --> 00:57:00,917
That was my friend Susie
that was volunteering.
1054
00:57:02,085 --> 00:57:06,089
And Susie would give her a Diet Coke
and a chocolate chip cookie,
1055
00:57:06,089 --> 00:57:08,299
and they would
sit with their legs crossed,
1056
00:57:08,299 --> 00:57:09,676
and gossip about people.
1057
00:57:09,676 --> 00:57:11,094
[audience laughing]
1058
00:57:16,975 --> 00:57:21,896
I was very strict
with those first two about language.
1059
00:57:21,896 --> 00:57:25,150
I said, "Nobody is gonna call anybody
'stupid' or 'butt.'"
1060
00:57:25,692 --> 00:57:27,485
"If you call somebody 'stupid' or 'butt,'
1061
00:57:27,485 --> 00:57:29,946
you're gonna be in deep doo-doo,
and I mean it."
1062
00:57:29,946 --> 00:57:32,449
And they were scared to death.
They would have never.
1063
00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:33,658
That third baby,
1064
00:57:34,868 --> 00:57:36,995
she started out with some spell-cussing.
1065
00:57:42,876 --> 00:57:45,336
Little bitty, walk in a room, and go,
1066
00:57:45,336 --> 00:57:46,629
"What the H?"
1067
00:57:46,629 --> 00:57:48,715
[audience laughing]
1068
00:57:53,094 --> 00:57:55,513
She's always called her daddy "Chuck."
1069
00:57:57,056 --> 00:57:59,434
She'd go, "Chuck, you a-hole."
1070
00:57:59,434 --> 00:58:01,519
[audience laughing]
1071
00:58:04,022 --> 00:58:05,690
And my husband is old-school.
1072
00:58:05,690 --> 00:58:07,775
He doesn't take crap off of anybody,
and he'd go...
1073
00:58:08,860 --> 00:58:10,862
[audience laughing]
1074
00:58:11,362 --> 00:58:12,530
"She's a nut."
1075
00:58:14,949 --> 00:58:17,202
And the oldest two would go, "What?"
1076
00:58:18,286 --> 00:58:20,538
"She just called Dad an a-hole!"
1077
00:58:22,540 --> 00:58:25,460
She was little bitty, walk into
somebody's birthday party and go,
1078
00:58:25,460 --> 00:58:26,628
"What's up, mofos?"
1079
00:58:26,628 --> 00:58:28,713
[audience laughing]
1080
00:58:28,713 --> 00:58:30,006
[exclaims]
1081
00:58:32,050 --> 00:58:32,884
Terrible.
1082
00:58:36,179 --> 00:58:40,099
I had that thing
about words and bad language,
1083
00:58:40,099 --> 00:58:44,854
because I think my little mama and daddy
never said ugly words, ever.
1084
00:58:44,854 --> 00:58:48,691
And there was never alcohol
in our house until
1085
00:58:49,567 --> 00:58:52,403
my sister was gonna marry
a little later in life,
1086
00:58:52,403 --> 00:58:55,073
and she was gonna marry
this hoopty-doo man.
1087
00:58:56,491 --> 00:58:59,202
And when I say "hoopty-doo,"
I mean country club.
1088
00:59:01,037 --> 00:59:03,831
Some country club people like to drink.
1089
00:59:04,999 --> 00:59:08,503
So we all,
to get her married off, started drinking.
1090
00:59:08,503 --> 00:59:10,755
[audience laughing]
1091
00:59:17,178 --> 00:59:21,182
And my little mama, had never had alcohol,
got out of my car.
1092
00:59:21,182 --> 00:59:23,351
She had two and a half glasses of wine,
1093
00:59:23,351 --> 00:59:25,103
and said, "I can't feel my arms."
1094
00:59:25,103 --> 00:59:27,188
[audience laughing loudly]
1095
00:59:30,525 --> 00:59:32,193
Okay. All right.
1096
00:59:32,193 --> 00:59:33,861
Let me tell you this last thing.
1097
00:59:33,861 --> 00:59:37,282
So my husband does work
for that big mobile home company,
1098
00:59:37,865 --> 00:59:40,910
and he has worked for them
for over 25 years,
1099
00:59:40,910 --> 00:59:43,121
and it's been a blessing to our family.
1100
00:59:43,121 --> 00:59:47,250
But one of the perks there that they
give us is they send us on these trips,
1101
00:59:47,250 --> 00:59:49,877
unbelievable trips all over the world.
1102
00:59:49,877 --> 00:59:52,463
And I've loved them,
and it's been wonderful,
1103
00:59:52,463 --> 00:59:55,091
but a little stressful at the same time.
1104
00:59:55,091 --> 00:59:57,677
Because most of the time
it's somewhere tropical,
1105
00:59:58,177 --> 01:00:01,764
um, and that's in late January,
early February.
1106
01:00:01,764 --> 01:00:05,351
But sometimes it'll be like Alaska,
somewhere like that.
1107
01:00:05,351 --> 01:00:07,353
Sometimes it's been overseas.
1108
01:00:07,353 --> 01:00:08,688
But say, for instance, Alaska.
1109
01:00:08,688 --> 01:00:12,150
And they all...
We sign up for excursions before we go.
1110
01:00:12,650 --> 01:00:16,696
And, uh, let me tell you,
I don't mind an excursion.
1111
01:00:16,696 --> 01:00:20,199
I wanna go
and kiss a husky puppy in the mouth.
1112
01:00:20,199 --> 01:00:21,826
[audience laughing]
1113
01:00:22,577 --> 01:00:23,494
I'll do that.
1114
01:00:25,371 --> 01:00:26,456
But, oh, no,
1115
01:00:26,456 --> 01:00:31,794
everybody that goes signs up
for these scary, scary excursions.
1116
01:00:31,794 --> 01:00:33,671
One time we went to Alaska,
1117
01:00:33,671 --> 01:00:39,469
and my husband signed us up
to go on a float plane to see a glacier.
1118
01:00:39,469 --> 01:00:42,555
And we walk up to this dock,
and there was this little float plane
1119
01:00:42,555 --> 01:00:43,848
floating in the water.
1120
01:00:44,432 --> 01:00:47,894
And they line us up on this dock,
and this little crusty man
1121
01:00:49,270 --> 01:00:51,230
with a pack of Marlboro Reds
1122
01:00:52,357 --> 01:00:54,442
comes up to me and says,
1123
01:00:54,442 --> 01:00:56,694
- "What do you weigh?"
- [audience laughing]
1124
01:01:04,160 --> 01:01:05,662
And I lied.
1125
01:01:05,662 --> 01:01:07,955
- I lied.
- [laughing continues]
1126
01:01:10,958 --> 01:01:13,336
And I watched nine more people...
1127
01:01:13,336 --> 01:01:16,422
He has nine more people,
and I watch them all lie.
1128
01:01:18,424 --> 01:01:20,134
And I thought, "Oh my Lord."
1129
01:01:20,635 --> 01:01:22,178
"We're gonna go down."
1130
01:01:27,517 --> 01:01:30,061
We all get in this
tiny little float plane,
1131
01:01:30,061 --> 01:01:33,064
and they put
these big old headphones on us.
1132
01:01:33,064 --> 01:01:35,566
And somebody's narrating,
I think it's Wink Martindale.
1133
01:01:36,275 --> 01:01:38,277
[audience laughing]
1134
01:01:39,362 --> 01:01:42,740
And all the sudden,
this little man starts pumping his foot.
1135
01:01:43,491 --> 01:01:45,284
Pumping his foot,
that's how we get in the air.
1136
01:01:45,284 --> 01:01:46,744
He's pumping that plane.
1137
01:01:47,286 --> 01:01:49,288
[audience laughing]
1138
01:01:51,040 --> 01:01:54,585
I don't know if I saw a glacier,
I don't know if I saw one.
1139
01:01:54,585 --> 01:01:56,796
One, because it was all white everywhere,
1140
01:01:56,796 --> 01:01:58,131
but also, I was praying.
1141
01:01:58,131 --> 01:01:59,424
I was praying.
1142
01:01:59,424 --> 01:02:03,302
And I took my purse handles,
and took 'em around my neck,
1143
01:02:03,970 --> 01:02:07,390
and put that purse on in case
somebody needed to identify my body.
1144
01:02:07,390 --> 01:02:09,475
[audience laughing]
1145
01:02:15,648 --> 01:02:18,776
There was another time
that we went to Alaska,
1146
01:02:18,776 --> 01:02:22,739
and my husband signed us up
for the largest zip line in North America.
1147
01:02:23,823 --> 01:02:28,202
And we got on a rickety school bus
with a high school boy driving
1148
01:02:28,202 --> 01:02:29,912
that was high on marijuana.
1149
01:02:32,915 --> 01:02:35,376
And he drove us
up to the top of that mountain.
1150
01:02:35,376 --> 01:02:38,296
And we all got out,
and he said, "Okay, listen,
1151
01:02:38,296 --> 01:02:41,174
there's a couple of grizzlies
that live up here."
1152
01:02:43,259 --> 01:02:45,678
"If they pop up out of that rock,
just run."
1153
01:02:45,678 --> 01:02:47,764
[audience laughing]
1154
01:02:53,269 --> 01:02:55,730
All right, let me tell y'all
that being from Adams, Tennessee,
1155
01:02:55,730 --> 01:02:56,939
we went on vacations.
1156
01:02:56,939 --> 01:02:59,358
But my mom and dad had a farm,
they still have their farm,
1157
01:02:59,358 --> 01:03:02,945
and they raised me and my sister,
put us through school.
1158
01:03:02,945 --> 01:03:06,407
They had a meat processing plant,
and they did everybody's meat
1159
01:03:06,407 --> 01:03:08,117
in Middle Tennessee and Kentucky.
1160
01:03:08,785 --> 01:03:10,536
So they worked like Trojans.
1161
01:03:10,536 --> 01:03:13,498
So we went on vacations, but it was...
1162
01:03:13,498 --> 01:03:15,541
You know, we couldn't go far
most of the time.
1163
01:03:15,541 --> 01:03:17,794
We'd go to Florida every once in a while.
1164
01:03:17,794 --> 01:03:19,420
Most of the time, we'd go to Gatlinburg,
1165
01:03:19,420 --> 01:03:22,632
'cause my little daddy loves Gatlinburg,
and he still loves it.
1166
01:03:22,632 --> 01:03:24,967
And... I try to take him when I can.
1167
01:03:24,967 --> 01:03:28,387
And this is the one memory
they have of me growing up,
1168
01:03:28,387 --> 01:03:31,349
and they bring it up
every Thanksgiving and Christmas.
1169
01:03:32,517 --> 01:03:33,351
And they say,
1170
01:03:33,351 --> 01:03:35,978
"Remember when we were in Gatlinburg,
and Leanne was 18 months old,
1171
01:03:35,978 --> 01:03:37,855
and ate that cigarette butt
off the ground?"
1172
01:03:37,855 --> 01:03:40,024
[audience laughing]
1173
01:03:46,572 --> 01:03:50,201
And I think, "Is that the only thing
y'all remember about me?"
1174
01:03:51,994 --> 01:03:53,621
So I had never been
1175
01:03:53,621 --> 01:03:57,166
on these kind of trips
that I'm talking about, so...
1176
01:03:57,166 --> 01:03:59,502
Most of the time,
these trips are somewhere tropical,
1177
01:03:59,502 --> 01:04:00,670
and that's all wonderful.
1178
01:04:00,670 --> 01:04:03,339
And I don't mean to sound
that I'm not grateful for it, but...
1179
01:04:03,840 --> 01:04:07,009
that means that I've gotta go
and try on a bathing suit
1180
01:04:07,009 --> 01:04:08,719
in the dead of winter
1181
01:04:08,719 --> 01:04:11,347
before the end of January, early February,
1182
01:04:11,347 --> 01:04:12,890
and I'd rather take a bullet.
1183
01:04:12,890 --> 01:04:14,183
[audience laughing]
1184
01:04:15,518 --> 01:04:17,520
And I'm sure
there are some girls here tonight
1185
01:04:17,520 --> 01:04:20,565
that love to try on a bathing suit
in the dead of winter,
1186
01:04:20,565 --> 01:04:23,818
but us East Tennessee girls
like to eat pork sausage.
1187
01:04:23,818 --> 01:04:25,903
[audience laughing]
1188
01:04:28,990 --> 01:04:32,076
And I've been
prepping for this trip for 25 years,
1189
01:04:32,076 --> 01:04:34,495
and I think every year,
"I'm gonna do better."
1190
01:04:34,495 --> 01:04:37,748
"I'm gonna do better. I'm gonna tone.
I'm gonna do better."
1191
01:04:37,748 --> 01:04:38,666
"And I'm gonna..."
1192
01:04:38,666 --> 01:04:41,419
"I don't have to buy
a Miraclesuit this year."
1193
01:04:41,419 --> 01:04:42,587
"I won't have to buy
1194
01:04:42,587 --> 01:04:45,131
a one-piece bathing suit
with a girdle in it."
1195
01:04:45,840 --> 01:04:46,841
"No."
1196
01:04:46,841 --> 01:04:48,926
And don't ever buy a lavender one.
1197
01:04:48,926 --> 01:04:50,970
- Okay.
- [audience laughing]
1198
01:04:52,388 --> 01:04:55,808
I can't even think
about going on one of these trips
1199
01:04:55,808 --> 01:04:57,768
until I can get through Christmas.
1200
01:04:58,352 --> 01:05:01,772
And I don't mean to sound
like everything falls on me,
1201
01:05:03,149 --> 01:05:04,942
but everything falls on me.
1202
01:05:06,152 --> 01:05:10,489
I love my family,
but they don't do anything to help me.
1203
01:05:10,489 --> 01:05:13,784
I do all the decorating,
the cooking, the cleaning,
1204
01:05:13,784 --> 01:05:15,995
the wrapping, the shopping, all that.
1205
01:05:15,995 --> 01:05:19,665
Last year on December 24th,
my husband said to me,
1206
01:05:19,665 --> 01:05:21,208
"Can I help you do anything?"
1207
01:05:21,208 --> 01:05:23,294
[audience laughing]
1208
01:05:27,173 --> 01:05:29,300
And I said, "I'm gonna beat you to death."
1209
01:05:32,470 --> 01:05:35,723
And I can't think about this trip,
'cause I gotta get ready for Christmas.
1210
01:05:35,723 --> 01:05:39,352
And I get so torn up
that I wanna take to the bed.
1211
01:05:39,352 --> 01:05:42,146
I wanna take to the bed,
but I can't take to the bed,
1212
01:05:42,146 --> 01:05:44,857
'cause if I take to the bed,
nobody's gonna have Christmas.
1213
01:05:45,858 --> 01:05:51,238
And in my twisted mind, I think,
"Oh, I can lose 40 pounds in four weeks."
1214
01:05:51,238 --> 01:05:53,324
[audience laughing]
1215
01:05:55,076 --> 01:05:56,702
"Yeah, I'll be all right."
1216
01:05:56,702 --> 01:05:58,704
"I can just do Weight Watchers again."
1217
01:05:59,538 --> 01:06:02,416
Because that's been so successful for me.
1218
01:06:07,088 --> 01:06:08,714
I've done every diet in the world.
1219
01:06:08,714 --> 01:06:11,008
My mama, and my sister, and I
1220
01:06:11,008 --> 01:06:12,176
took Dexatrim.
1221
01:06:12,927 --> 01:06:15,388
When I was 17 years old...
1222
01:06:16,097 --> 01:06:17,390
I'm the youngest.
1223
01:06:17,390 --> 01:06:19,976
You could buy it everywhere.
Do y'all remember Dexatrim?
1224
01:06:19,976 --> 01:06:21,435
- [audience agreeing]
- Yeah.
1225
01:06:21,435 --> 01:06:22,770
It was speed.
1226
01:06:22,770 --> 01:06:24,855
[audience laughing]
1227
01:06:26,649 --> 01:06:27,900
We took speed
1228
01:06:29,402 --> 01:06:30,486
as a family.
1229
01:06:31,195 --> 01:06:33,364
[audience clapping]
1230
01:06:37,702 --> 01:06:38,869
We would take Dexatrim,
1231
01:06:38,869 --> 01:06:41,163
and our heads would itch,
and we'd fight in the yard.
1232
01:06:41,163 --> 01:06:43,249
[audience laughing]
1233
01:06:46,043 --> 01:06:46,877
We did.
1234
01:06:54,510 --> 01:06:56,429
[laughs] So, one day...
1235
01:06:57,179 --> 01:07:00,766
One day,
I was looking through my VHS tapes,
1236
01:07:00,766 --> 01:07:02,810
and I pop this VHS tape
1237
01:07:02,810 --> 01:07:07,606
into this old VHS tape player
that's in my children's playroom.
1238
01:07:07,606 --> 01:07:09,692
And I thought, "Who are those people?"
1239
01:07:09,692 --> 01:07:11,652
[audience laughing]
1240
01:07:11,652 --> 01:07:16,115
This was a VHS tape of me and my husband
on one of these trips
1241
01:07:16,115 --> 01:07:19,577
doing a snorkeling excursion in Maui.
1242
01:07:20,411 --> 01:07:22,747
And we had moved to San Antonio.
1243
01:07:22,747 --> 01:07:25,875
My husband had gotten a big promotion
to be over South Texas,
1244
01:07:25,875 --> 01:07:28,669
and he gives 150% at everything he does.
1245
01:07:28,669 --> 01:07:32,089
So he was torn up over that,
and trying to do the best he could.
1246
01:07:32,089 --> 01:07:35,134
And I'd moved these little children
from Tennessee to Texas,
1247
01:07:35,134 --> 01:07:36,135
and I was torn up.
1248
01:07:36,135 --> 01:07:38,137
And that was the first time
I got the shingles.
1249
01:07:39,013 --> 01:07:43,642
And instead of coping effectively,
and getting out and jogging,
1250
01:07:44,268 --> 01:07:45,895
we ate tortillas.
1251
01:07:45,895 --> 01:07:47,980
[audience laughing]
1252
01:07:48,564 --> 01:07:51,984
I pop this VHS tape in.
I thought, "Who are these people?"
1253
01:07:51,984 --> 01:07:54,445
[laughing continues]
1254
01:07:58,199 --> 01:08:02,078
It was me and my husband.
I did not recognize us.
1255
01:08:03,329 --> 01:08:04,830
We were so bloated
1256
01:08:06,624 --> 01:08:08,876
and pale from eating tortillas.
1257
01:08:08,876 --> 01:08:11,045
Our heads were this big.
1258
01:08:13,005 --> 01:08:15,508
You could not fit 'em in a bushel basket.
1259
01:08:17,468 --> 01:08:19,762
All right, so this whole VHS tape...
1260
01:08:19,762 --> 01:08:22,348
And I'll release it someday,
'cause let me tell you,
1261
01:08:22,348 --> 01:08:24,809
everybody on that boat
was from my husband's company,
1262
01:08:24,809 --> 01:08:27,937
except this honeymoon couple
down here on the right,
1263
01:08:27,937 --> 01:08:31,774
down right at the bottom,
and they were practically fornicating.
1264
01:08:31,774 --> 01:08:33,859
[audience laughing]
1265
01:08:34,443 --> 01:08:36,695
So I'll release it so y'all can watch.
1266
01:08:37,238 --> 01:08:38,072
Okay?
1267
01:08:39,990 --> 01:08:43,119
We get on this boat,
and I remember it like it was yesterday.
1268
01:08:43,119 --> 01:08:46,914
The first person that came to us
was this stunning woman.
1269
01:08:46,914 --> 01:08:50,584
I've never seen somebody
as pretty in a bikini in my life.
1270
01:08:50,584 --> 01:08:52,795
Beautiful, tan, blond.
1271
01:08:52,795 --> 01:08:55,548
She goes, "I'm gonna film all day."
1272
01:08:55,548 --> 01:08:58,717
"Do y'all want me to film y'all
on the boat and in the water?"
1273
01:08:58,717 --> 01:09:01,971
"And it's this amount of money."
And it was a lot. It was very expensive.
1274
01:09:01,971 --> 01:09:03,305
And I went, "Yes!"
1275
01:09:03,806 --> 01:09:05,808
- And...
- [audience laughing]
1276
01:09:06,767 --> 01:09:09,687
And my husband was like...
handing her a credit card.
1277
01:09:13,899 --> 01:09:16,318
And we got on this boat, and I don't...
1278
01:09:16,318 --> 01:09:19,613
You know, people were already partying,
and I don't like all that kind of stuff.
1279
01:09:19,613 --> 01:09:21,949
And I don't like to go out
in the middle of the ocean.
1280
01:09:21,949 --> 01:09:22,950
I was freaked out.
1281
01:09:22,950 --> 01:09:25,703
And so I remember
I had one of those patches on
1282
01:09:25,703 --> 01:09:27,538
that keeps you from vomiting
1283
01:09:27,538 --> 01:09:30,583
but it gives you double vision
at the same time.
1284
01:09:30,583 --> 01:09:32,209
[audience laughing]
1285
01:09:32,209 --> 01:09:34,753
And everybody's on that boat,
having a big time.
1286
01:09:34,753 --> 01:09:36,505
And somebody's cooking Chinese food,
1287
01:09:36,505 --> 01:09:39,842
and somebody's serving alcohol,
and everybody's having a big time.
1288
01:09:39,842 --> 01:09:42,678
And there's a man
that teaches you how to snorkel
1289
01:09:43,262 --> 01:09:44,638
on the way out there
1290
01:09:44,638 --> 01:09:45,848
in ten minutes.
1291
01:09:47,433 --> 01:09:49,894
And he gives us
all this snorkeling equipment.
1292
01:09:49,894 --> 01:09:51,812
And I've got, you know, all this on.
1293
01:09:51,812 --> 01:09:54,982
He puts a big,
old floater thing on me with a strap,
1294
01:09:55,733 --> 01:09:57,610
and throws me into the ocean.
1295
01:09:59,195 --> 01:10:01,155
And I feel something.
1296
01:10:01,155 --> 01:10:02,364
"Is that an eel?"
1297
01:10:02,364 --> 01:10:04,450
[audience laughing]
1298
01:10:05,075 --> 01:10:06,452
"Is that an eel?"
1299
01:10:08,412 --> 01:10:10,956
And then my husband floats up to me.
1300
01:10:10,956 --> 01:10:14,710
He's got on a big pair of goggles
and a big thing in his mouth.
1301
01:10:15,252 --> 01:10:18,088
Takes that thing out,
and looks at me, and says,
1302
01:10:18,589 --> 01:10:19,590
"You want to do it?"
1303
01:10:19,590 --> 01:10:22,051
[audience laughing loudly]
1304
01:10:22,051 --> 01:10:23,802
[audience applauding]
1305
01:10:31,060 --> 01:10:32,394
And I said,
1306
01:10:32,394 --> 01:10:33,771
"Get away from me!"
1307
01:10:37,816 --> 01:10:40,277
And through this whole VHS tape...
1308
01:10:41,528 --> 01:10:43,906
But I remember it like it was yesterday.
1309
01:10:43,906 --> 01:10:45,616
He is twirling.
1310
01:10:47,284 --> 01:10:48,369
And diving.
1311
01:10:51,163 --> 01:10:52,164
Twirling,
1312
01:10:52,665 --> 01:10:54,375
diving, and doing all this.
1313
01:10:54,375 --> 01:10:57,795
And the first thing I thought...
My heart dropped when I thought,
1314
01:10:58,337 --> 01:10:59,672
"Is he showing off
1315
01:11:00,881 --> 01:11:02,967
in front of this woman in the bikini?"
1316
01:11:03,676 --> 01:11:06,303
"Is he having unbiblical thoughts
1317
01:11:07,137 --> 01:11:08,138
about her?"
1318
01:11:08,806 --> 01:11:10,182
Then I took a beat and I thought,
1319
01:11:10,182 --> 01:11:12,142
"No, that's not who he is.
That's not who he is."
1320
01:11:12,142 --> 01:11:13,769
And I thought, "Oh, I know what it is."
1321
01:11:13,769 --> 01:11:16,397
"He doesn't like to spend money.
This is costing a lot."
1322
01:11:16,397 --> 01:11:19,483
I know in his mind, he thought,
"I'm gonna freaking twirl."
1323
01:11:20,067 --> 01:11:21,860
[audience laughing]
1324
01:11:21,860 --> 01:11:26,532
So he's twirling, and doing,
and doing, and doing.
1325
01:11:27,324 --> 01:11:31,370
He had been
taking Propecia for about a year,
1326
01:11:31,370 --> 01:11:33,414
to grow this one patch of hair out.
1327
01:11:36,542 --> 01:11:39,670
And Propecia works, let me tell you.
It works.
1328
01:11:39,670 --> 01:11:43,340
Through this whole VHS tape,
this one patch of hair.
1329
01:11:43,340 --> 01:11:44,550
[audience laughing]
1330
01:11:53,767 --> 01:11:57,688
And then all of the sudden,
this big, lavender thing...
1331
01:11:57,688 --> 01:11:59,773
[audience laughing]
1332
01:12:03,027 --> 01:12:05,904
[laughing continues]
1333
01:12:13,370 --> 01:12:15,205
...comes across the screen.
1334
01:12:16,206 --> 01:12:18,042
And I think, "What is that?"
1335
01:12:20,127 --> 01:12:21,378
"Is that a turtle?"
1336
01:12:21,378 --> 01:12:22,796
[audience laughing]
1337
01:12:22,796 --> 01:12:25,716
- Thank y'all! Thank y'all!
- [audience cheering]
1338
01:12:25,716 --> 01:12:29,011
- Thank y'all!
- [upbeat music playing]
1339
01:12:29,011 --> 01:12:31,430
- [cheering continues]
- [imitates kissing]
1340
01:12:31,430 --> 01:12:33,599
I'm gonna bring out my family!
1341
01:12:35,100 --> 01:12:37,644
- [upbeat music continues]
- [cheering continues]
1342
01:12:47,321 --> 01:12:49,323
[cheering continues]
1343
01:12:58,665 --> 01:13:01,668
- [upbeat music continues]
- [mouthing]
1344
01:13:04,254 --> 01:13:07,841
- [upbeat music continues]
- [cheering continues]
1345
01:13:07,841 --> 01:13:09,843
[upbeat music continues]