1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:16,799 --> 00:00:19,889 Um, I'm better than most people. 4 00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:21,543 Yeah! 5 00:00:21,586 --> 00:00:23,632 And it's not because of my disability, 6 00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:25,634 it's because of the stupid shit 7 00:00:25,677 --> 00:00:28,245 people are saying to me constantly. 8 00:00:28,289 --> 00:00:31,814 Like, the other day, I was rolling down the street, 9 00:00:31,857 --> 00:00:33,990 and a woman came up 10 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:36,123 next to me and said, 11 00:00:36,166 --> 00:00:38,603 "Son, may I pray for you?" 12 00:00:38,647 --> 00:00:40,431 And I go, "Sure," 13 00:00:40,475 --> 00:00:44,087 thinking she would pray away from me. 14 00:00:47,395 --> 00:00:48,483 In private, 15 00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:53,923 at her own home. 16 00:00:53,966 --> 00:00:56,969 But no, she proceeded to put her hand on my shoulder 17 00:00:57,013 --> 00:00:58,754 and yelled, 18 00:00:58,797 --> 00:01:04,716 "Jesus Christ, please heal this man from his head to his toes!" 19 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:06,979 And at first, I was pissed, 20 00:01:07,023 --> 00:01:08,633 but then I looked down, 21 00:01:08,677 --> 00:01:11,897 and my feet started moving. 22 00:01:11,941 --> 00:01:14,726 I looked at her, I looked at my feet. 23 00:01:14,770 --> 00:01:17,207 I look at her, I look at my feet. 24 00:01:17,251 --> 00:01:19,557 I look at her, I look at my feet. 25 00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:21,864 I look at her, I look at my feet. 26 00:01:21,907 --> 00:01:23,909 I look at her, I look at my feet. 27 00:01:23,953 --> 00:01:26,651 I look at her, I go, "It's working! 28 00:01:27,739 --> 00:01:29,393 "It's working! 29 00:01:29,437 --> 00:01:32,004 "I can feel! I can feel!" 30 00:01:32,048 --> 00:01:33,571 And she started speaking in tongues... 31 00:01:33,615 --> 00:01:37,009 "Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!" 32 00:01:37,053 --> 00:01:39,142 And I go, "I can feel! 33 00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:42,798 "Give me a hug!" She goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!" 34 00:01:42,841 --> 00:01:45,148 And I go, "I can feel! I can feel!" 35 00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:47,933 She goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!" 36 00:01:47,977 --> 00:01:49,935 And I go, "I can feel! I can feel!" 37 00:01:49,979 --> 00:01:55,115 She goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!" 38 00:01:56,681 --> 00:02:00,598 And a third man walks up to us and goes, "Please, sir, 39 00:02:00,642 --> 00:02:03,210 "stop mocking that mentally-handicapped woman." 40 00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:08,780 And I go, "Fair enough." 41 00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:11,435 "Fair enough." 42 00:02:15,918 --> 00:02:18,138 You guys drinking tonight? 43 00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:19,965 How are you doing? You're drinking? 44 00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:24,970 Yeah, I'm good at drinking. I like drinking. 45 00:02:25,014 --> 00:02:27,625 I'm good at drinking. 46 00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:29,236 And I'm good at being crippled. 47 00:02:29,279 --> 00:02:32,761 I'm just not good at both at the same time. 48 00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:36,591 I need to learn how to separate the two. 49 00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:40,638 It's hard, uh... 50 00:02:41,987 --> 00:02:44,468 No, I drink a lot, uh, 51 00:02:44,512 --> 00:02:48,646 I go out with my friends a lot, you know, drinking after shows, 52 00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:52,433 you know, I go out with the comics after shows, 53 00:02:52,476 --> 00:02:55,392 and we have to get from bar to bar. 54 00:02:55,436 --> 00:02:57,960 So, um, we were... 55 00:02:58,003 --> 00:03:01,964 We drink and drive a lot, you know? 56 00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:06,316 You know, every now and then, um... 57 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,536 You know, what else do you want us to do? 58 00:03:08,579 --> 00:03:13,062 Uber's not... Uber's not handicap accessible, um... 59 00:03:14,759 --> 00:03:17,153 You know, so me and my colleague friend, 60 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:20,722 we were drinking and driving, you know, minding our own business, 61 00:03:22,245 --> 00:03:24,813 and all of a sudden we get pulled over by this cop, 62 00:03:24,856 --> 00:03:29,078 and he comes up to the window and he says to my friend, he says, 63 00:03:29,121 --> 00:03:34,170 "You know, son, if you give me a 50, I can get you out of this." 64 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:38,392 And David goes, "Sir, that's blackmail. That's illegal." 65 00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:43,484 And he goes, "No, son. It's illegal to be a Black male." 66 00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:46,617 Yeah, I know. 67 00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:48,924 It was a... It was awkward. 68 00:03:50,447 --> 00:03:54,234 I was there. It was... It was rough, um... 69 00:03:54,277 --> 00:03:59,108 See, I can tell that joke because I'm not white, I'm crippled. 70 00:04:00,805 --> 00:04:02,938 And therefore, I don't have white guilt, 71 00:04:02,981 --> 00:04:05,201 I have crippled guilt. 72 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,595 And there's only a few things 73 00:04:07,638 --> 00:04:12,034 crippled people, socially and historically, feel guilty about. 74 00:04:12,077 --> 00:04:17,300 One of those things is I get free drinks wherever I go. 75 00:04:17,344 --> 00:04:20,956 I've never paid for a drink in my life. 76 00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:24,089 Maybe that's why I'm such a fucking drunk. I don't know. 77 00:04:26,701 --> 00:04:30,574 And the other thing is the Japanese internment camps. 78 00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:33,490 That was us. 79 00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,928 That was our bad. 80 00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:39,888 We're sorry. 81 00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:44,284 We would take it back if we could, um... 82 00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:47,591 For everybody not paying attention, 83 00:04:47,635 --> 00:04:50,202 that's a F.D.R. joke. He was... 84 00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:53,902 He was our president. 85 00:04:54,555 --> 00:04:55,643 He was crippled. 86 00:04:58,385 --> 00:05:01,518 He locked up a bunch of innocent Japanese people. 87 00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:03,607 But he got away with it. 88 00:05:06,175 --> 00:05:08,264 And there's perks, um... 89 00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:13,008 "Make America crippled again." 90 00:05:13,051 --> 00:05:14,662 That's what I'm saying. 91 00:05:16,098 --> 00:05:17,795 I don't know what I'm saying. No. 92 00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:20,363 Move on, um... 93 00:05:22,365 --> 00:05:25,107 No, when I'm not drinking and driving, um... 94 00:05:27,370 --> 00:05:29,459 When I'm not drinking and driving, 95 00:05:29,503 --> 00:05:31,635 I'm taking the bus. 96 00:05:31,679 --> 00:05:34,464 You know, anybody take the city bus here? 97 00:05:35,726 --> 00:05:37,728 Ah, okay. A bunch of poor motherfuckers. 98 00:05:39,121 --> 00:05:41,428 Not gonna buy a t-shirt, um... 99 00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:44,996 Got to pay for that bus fare. 100 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:48,043 I took two buses to get here. 101 00:05:48,086 --> 00:05:49,914 I took two buses to get here. 102 00:05:49,958 --> 00:05:56,094 I waited on one bus and said, "I am really crippled. 103 00:05:57,095 --> 00:05:59,054 "I am so crippled." 104 00:05:59,097 --> 00:06:01,491 And then I got off that... 105 00:06:01,535 --> 00:06:03,232 Got on that bus, 106 00:06:03,275 --> 00:06:08,106 got on another bus, and was like, "I am really poor. 107 00:06:08,150 --> 00:06:10,805 "I am more poor than I am crippled." 108 00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:14,635 "And look how crippled I am." 109 00:06:22,556 --> 00:06:26,298 I mean, though, a couple of times, it sucks... 110 00:06:26,342 --> 00:06:28,388 It sucks using the bus, uh, 111 00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:29,824 using the public bus. 112 00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:32,609 Like, a couple of times ago, I was getting on the bus, 113 00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:35,046 and I was taking a little too long, 114 00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:39,181 and, um, there's this guy on the back of the bus, 115 00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:43,533 and he's like, "What the fuck is taking so long? 116 00:06:43,577 --> 00:06:45,448 "Speed this shit up." 117 00:06:45,492 --> 00:06:49,147 And the bus driver's like, "We got a guy in a wheelchair. 118 00:06:49,191 --> 00:06:51,802 "Got to walk him down. It's gonna take a second." 119 00:06:51,846 --> 00:06:55,632 And he's like, "I don't give a fuck. Speed up. 120 00:06:55,676 --> 00:06:57,591 "Let's get this bus going." 121 00:06:57,634 --> 00:07:00,985 And no one said anything. 122 00:07:01,029 --> 00:07:05,512 Uh, which is the appropriate reaction to that man. 123 00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:13,998 Because if that man is willing to yell at a person like me, 124 00:07:14,042 --> 00:07:17,437 he's willing to punch a person like me in the face. 125 00:07:19,221 --> 00:07:25,009 And that's appropriate behavior for a city bus, you know? 126 00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:28,622 Yelling at strange, crippled people is appropriate. 127 00:07:29,187 --> 00:07:31,929 You're on a bus. 128 00:07:31,973 --> 00:07:36,586 What is not appropriate is these motherfuckers that smile. 129 00:07:36,630 --> 00:07:41,156 You know, these guys that smile in your face? 130 00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:44,289 Like, what the hell are you smiling at? 131 00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:47,554 You're on a bus. 132 00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:53,168 We're grown-ass people that can't get from point A to point B by ourselves, 133 00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:55,213 and you're smiling at me? 134 00:07:58,390 --> 00:08:00,784 Is this what you get off on? 135 00:08:03,395 --> 00:08:07,791 It is 12:30 on a Tuesday, and I am drunk 136 00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:10,315 and you are smiling at me. 137 00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:20,543 And you know, I will say the freest you will ever feel 138 00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:24,982 is 12:30 drunk on a bus on a Tuesday. 139 00:08:26,288 --> 00:08:30,597 It is also the saddest you will ever feel. 140 00:08:31,685 --> 00:08:33,513 But it's the freest. 141 00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:37,473 You know that song, Bobby McGee? 142 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:42,391 "Freedom's just another word for being drunk on a fucking bus." 143 00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:49,441 "On a Tuesday, at 12:30." 144 00:08:53,489 --> 00:08:54,795 I don't know. 145 00:08:57,101 --> 00:08:58,712 I'm poor, though, um 146 00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:00,540 I'm... I'm real poor. 147 00:09:00,583 --> 00:09:05,806 During the lockdown, during the quarantine, I realized one thing, 148 00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:09,984 that I live in a complete shit-hole, you know? 149 00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:12,116 I live in a shit-hole. 150 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:15,119 I live in a place that makes me look like 151 00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:19,776 a divorced detective that can't let go of a case. 152 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:26,957 I just have, like, spools of yarn on my wall. 153 00:09:29,351 --> 00:09:33,181 I, like, scream at my wall, "We're gonna find her! 154 00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:37,577 "We're gonna find her!" 155 00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:41,755 My ex-wife calls, "You got to go to your son's soccer game." 156 00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:44,801 "Nobody's playing soccer until she can!" 157 00:09:46,194 --> 00:09:48,239 Uh... 158 00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:50,154 No, I... I do live in a shit-hole. 159 00:09:50,198 --> 00:09:54,898 I live in a retirement home, a retirement community 160 00:09:54,942 --> 00:10:00,338 with the rest of, uh, society's undesirables, you know? 161 00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:02,645 They just shove us in a corner. 162 00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:04,255 And we die. 163 00:10:05,561 --> 00:10:07,084 It's a good plan. 164 00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:11,393 Your plan's working. We're all dying, 165 00:10:12,307 --> 00:10:15,136 very rapidly, um... 166 00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:19,923 The worst thing about living in a retirement home besides the death, 167 00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:24,972 and the apathy toward that death, is the smell. 168 00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:27,888 You know, the smell. 169 00:10:27,931 --> 00:10:33,110 It smells like dirty diapers and old pussy, you know? 170 00:10:33,154 --> 00:10:35,460 You know that old pussy smell? 171 00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:37,593 That's right. 172 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,639 And it's hard to bring people up. 173 00:10:39,682 --> 00:10:43,730 It's hard to bring girls up when your place smells like old pussy, you know? 174 00:10:44,774 --> 00:10:47,429 It's hard to get, you know... 175 00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:50,606 Like, I was bringing this girl up, and she... 176 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,695 Uh, the elevator door opens, 177 00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:55,916 and she's like, "Why does it smell like old pussy?" 178 00:10:55,959 --> 00:10:58,309 And we walk in, and sure enough, 179 00:10:58,353 --> 00:11:02,574 there was an old vagina just in the corner... 180 00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,710 of the elevator. 181 00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:13,629 And it was still wet. 182 00:11:16,066 --> 00:11:17,677 Which was impressive. 183 00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:25,554 I got OA wop in my house, 184 00:11:25,597 --> 00:11:27,991 you know, old ass wet ass pussy. 185 00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,516 Oh, my God. 186 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:34,171 I got some old-ass hoes in my house. 187 00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:37,914 See, that's a more relevant... 188 00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:40,787 You know, that's more relevant than Bobby McGee. 189 00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:44,878 I thought I was gonna... 190 00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:48,142 Ten years ago, I thought I was gonna change the world with my comedy, 191 00:11:48,185 --> 00:11:51,232 and now I'm saying OA wop on stage. 192 00:11:52,755 --> 00:11:53,930 It's all working out. 193 00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:56,803 Following the dream. 194 00:11:57,804 --> 00:11:59,719 It's working out. Um... 195 00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:05,333 No, a lot of people feel sorry for me 196 00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:07,944 because of my disability, you know. 197 00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:12,732 A lot of people feel sorry for me because I'm crippled. 198 00:12:12,775 --> 00:12:14,124 And they shouldn't. 199 00:12:14,168 --> 00:12:18,302 Um, because I'm not the worst level of cripple. 200 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:23,568 What I mean by that is there are four different levels 201 00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:25,875 of crippled. 202 00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:28,791 There are four different levels of crippled, 203 00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,793 and I'm not the worst. 204 00:12:32,882 --> 00:12:35,189 Like, the first level of crippled 205 00:12:35,232 --> 00:12:37,844 is, like, almost crippled. 206 00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:41,804 You guys know these cripples, they're almost crippled. 207 00:12:41,848 --> 00:12:44,372 They have a limp, you know? 208 00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,635 All they do is limp around. 209 00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,856 And take my handicap spot. 210 00:12:54,469 --> 00:12:59,082 I'm not saying they're faking it, necessarily, 211 00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:01,041 but they're definitely cheating someone 212 00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:03,521 out of some money somewhere, you know. 213 00:13:06,742 --> 00:13:09,005 Yeah, I give that applause break. 214 00:13:09,049 --> 00:13:10,528 Um... 215 00:13:10,572 --> 00:13:14,576 You know, the Kevin Spacey The Usual Suspects. 216 00:13:14,619 --> 00:13:17,013 That level of crippled. 217 00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:22,714 Now, the second level of crippled is crippled. 218 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:29,765 These cripples are crippled, they really are. 219 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:33,116 But they're kind of pretentious about it, you know. 220 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,379 These smug assholes... 221 00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:40,515 ...have the audacity to play in sports... 222 00:13:43,387 --> 00:13:45,259 ...and climb mountains. 223 00:13:47,217 --> 00:13:52,309 These smug sons of bitches have the gall 224 00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:55,312 to get inspirational posters made of them. 225 00:13:57,140 --> 00:14:01,797 They make being crippled look easy, which it is. 226 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,410 It's like the easiest shit I've ever done. 227 00:14:08,586 --> 00:14:11,372 But I don't want other people to know that, right? 228 00:14:11,415 --> 00:14:13,504 I'm getting free drinks over here. 229 00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:15,419 Keep that shit to yourself. 230 00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:18,858 Keep it coming. 231 00:14:21,121 --> 00:14:24,689 See me? I'm really crippled. 232 00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:27,779 And really crippled is the level of crippled 233 00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:31,479 where people are surprised that we're outside. 234 00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:36,179 People go up to me all the time, 235 00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:42,098 they're like, "Hey, buddy, we're so proud you made it out. 236 00:14:42,142 --> 00:14:44,361 "How'd you do it?" 237 00:14:44,405 --> 00:14:47,712 What they don't really know, it's the easiest shit I've ever done. 238 00:14:49,192 --> 00:14:52,108 But the good thing about being really crippled 239 00:14:52,152 --> 00:14:54,545 is if this comedy thing doesn't work out, 240 00:14:54,589 --> 00:14:57,418 I can always be an artist. 241 00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:59,986 And I don't have to be a good artist. 242 00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:04,816 I could be a real shit artist. 243 00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:08,820 All I have to do is doodle on a little piece of paper. 244 00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:10,605 Put it up in a museum. 245 00:15:11,388 --> 00:15:12,999 People walk up next to it, 246 00:15:13,042 --> 00:15:14,522 "What is that shit?" 247 00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,568 I roll up next to it. 248 00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,356 "It comes my inner pain." 249 00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:30,364 "Fifty grand! We'll give fifty grand for that piece of shit!" 250 00:15:33,323 --> 00:15:35,325 Now, the worst level of crippled, 251 00:15:35,369 --> 00:15:39,025 the absolute worst is too crippled. 252 00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:42,724 These cripples are too crippled to exist. 253 00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:46,684 They make you question God's plan. 254 00:15:46,728 --> 00:15:49,687 Like, Jesus Christ, are we really made in his image? 255 00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,733 Did he fuck up or what? 256 00:15:53,387 --> 00:15:56,738 Like, the only difference between really crippled 257 00:15:56,781 --> 00:15:59,697 and too crippled is I can do this... 258 00:16:04,311 --> 00:16:06,487 I know, I know. "Stop showing off." 259 00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:12,710 But I'm gonna do this for the rest of the set. 260 00:16:14,147 --> 00:16:16,540 It's, like, my favorite thing to do. 261 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,674 You know, uh... 262 00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:22,372 -You know Stephen Hawking... -Yes. 263 00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:24,418 ...the guy who invented science, 264 00:16:26,637 --> 00:16:28,770 he was too crippled. 265 00:16:28,813 --> 00:16:30,250 That's why he died. 266 00:16:34,732 --> 00:16:37,083 No, he died because he was really old, 267 00:16:37,779 --> 00:16:39,302 and too crippled. 268 00:16:40,477 --> 00:16:42,871 Nine times out of ten. 269 00:16:42,914 --> 00:16:44,525 Nine equals death. 270 00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:49,573 That one's for me just to watch you... 271 00:16:49,617 --> 00:16:51,227 squirm in your chair. 272 00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:54,578 I got to confess something, guys. 273 00:16:54,622 --> 00:16:58,234 Uh, white rabbit, I got to confess something. 274 00:16:58,278 --> 00:17:01,890 I, um... I've never fucked anyone. 275 00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:04,588 Um, see, I've had sex. 276 00:17:04,632 --> 00:17:06,634 I'm a great sex-haver. 277 00:17:08,070 --> 00:17:11,900 I'm one of the best. Uh, you can ask anyone, 278 00:17:11,943 --> 00:17:17,993 but I've never fucked anyone, um, because I can't thrust. 279 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,561 I've never been much of a thruster. 280 00:17:22,606 --> 00:17:26,915 I can't thrust and I can't dominate, you know? 281 00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:31,137 I think those are two things you need to be able to fuck. 282 00:17:33,008 --> 00:17:35,445 I can dominate in a few things. 283 00:17:35,489 --> 00:17:41,060 I can dominate, like, a 36-hour Netflix series in about a day. 284 00:17:44,672 --> 00:17:49,720 I can dominate, like, a Taco Bell drive-through menu in about a weekend. 285 00:17:51,418 --> 00:17:56,684 I can dominate, like, a fifth of tequila in about two days. 286 00:17:56,727 --> 00:18:00,470 But I can't dominate in thrusting. 287 00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:05,562 Therefore, you guessed it, I cannot fuck, yes. 288 00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:09,958 But I'm trying, um... 289 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:14,093 I'm trying. I'm seeing this person, 290 00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:15,398 we're trying to fuck. 291 00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:17,835 Uh, she's trying to fuck me. 292 00:18:17,879 --> 00:18:20,316 We're on the interwebs. 293 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,405 We're on like, uh, you know, 294 00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:26,757 trying to look up all the sex swings and gadgets, 295 00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:31,240 and everything. Like, Amazon Prime is great, you know, for that. 296 00:18:31,284 --> 00:18:33,547 And I don't know... 297 00:18:33,590 --> 00:18:36,506 I don't know if it's technically fucking, though, 298 00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:41,337 if I have to have a degree in architecture in order to do it. 299 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,386 I don't know if it's technically fucking 300 00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:49,911 if I have to, like, join Circus Soleil 301 00:18:51,565 --> 00:18:53,088 in order to do it. 302 00:18:54,524 --> 00:18:57,179 I don't know if it's technically fucking 303 00:18:57,223 --> 00:19:01,052 if I have to be lowered into the pussy... 304 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:07,798 like Tom Cruise of Mission Impossible, 305 00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:11,715 in order to do it. 306 00:19:13,282 --> 00:19:15,850 My girl gave me a compliment the other day. 307 00:19:15,893 --> 00:19:17,939 My girl gave me a compliment the other day. 308 00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:22,552 She... She said, uh, I fuck like a lesbian, you know, 309 00:19:22,596 --> 00:19:26,121 which is a compliment. You know, it's 2022, 310 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,296 that's a compliment. 311 00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:30,517 Sir, that's a compliment. 312 00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:34,303 Sir? 313 00:19:36,349 --> 00:19:38,829 He doesn't fuck like a lesbian, does he? 314 00:19:40,527 --> 00:19:42,964 I know! I know! I... 315 00:19:43,007 --> 00:19:46,620 Everyone in this room knows how you fuck. 316 00:19:50,276 --> 00:19:52,887 "I'm done, babe. Are you done? Okay." 317 00:19:53,279 --> 00:19:54,497 Uh... 318 00:19:56,934 --> 00:20:00,764 "I'm done. Babe, I'm done. Are you done? Okay. What's that?" 319 00:20:02,636 --> 00:20:04,464 It happens. 320 00:20:04,507 --> 00:20:06,248 If I fuck like a... 321 00:20:06,292 --> 00:20:10,774 I'm a progressive guy, you know, I'm a very progressive guy. 322 00:20:12,602 --> 00:20:13,777 I'm very progressive. 323 00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:15,823 I'm so progressive, 324 00:20:15,866 --> 00:20:18,521 I can relate to the women's plight. 325 00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:21,524 I can relate to the plight of the women. 326 00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:25,572 Um, I get a lot of UTIs. 327 00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:29,053 Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. 328 00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:31,795 This table knows, yeah. 329 00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:36,060 Urinary tract infections. 330 00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:40,282 I get so many UTIs, I could write a Vagina Monologue. 331 00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:48,029 So many UTIs I get. 332 00:20:48,072 --> 00:20:50,988 Uh, I'm a very progressive guy. 333 00:20:51,032 --> 00:20:52,729 I'm so progressive, 334 00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:55,123 I'm a socialist, you know, 335 00:20:55,166 --> 00:20:56,516 but I hate people. 336 00:20:56,559 --> 00:21:00,128 Um, so I want everyone to be equal, 337 00:21:00,171 --> 00:21:02,261 an equal distance away from me. 338 00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:08,310 I'm a very progressive guy. 339 00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:10,965 I'm so progressive, I'm wearing a... 340 00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:16,144 I'm so progressive, I'm wearing a unisex perfume right now. 341 00:21:16,187 --> 00:21:18,581 It's, uh... it smells very nice. 342 00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:21,323 It's very good, very sexy. 343 00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:23,282 It's called "They for them." 344 00:21:27,024 --> 00:21:29,157 I'm a very progressive guy. 345 00:21:34,118 --> 00:21:36,295 I'm a very progressive guy. 346 00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:40,081 Hey, I don't get... I don't get what's going on nowadays. 347 00:21:40,124 --> 00:21:42,388 I'm very progressive, 348 00:21:42,431 --> 00:21:46,043 but I don't get something, everyone's talking about eating ass. 349 00:21:46,087 --> 00:21:48,089 You know? 350 00:21:48,132 --> 00:21:50,831 Eating ass. Everyone's talking about eating ass. 351 00:21:50,874 --> 00:21:52,049 I'm like, "Eating ass? 352 00:21:52,093 --> 00:21:54,008 "I just wanna get mine wiped." 353 00:21:57,881 --> 00:21:59,492 No, I'm just kidding, I eat ass. 354 00:21:59,535 --> 00:22:00,580 Um... 355 00:22:05,019 --> 00:22:07,978 I shouldn't joke about that. I'm a progressive guy. 356 00:22:09,893 --> 00:22:12,722 I'm a very progressive guy. 357 00:22:12,766 --> 00:22:16,683 I, uh... I'm so progressive, I don't believe in God. 358 00:22:16,726 --> 00:22:19,207 Uh, for obvious reasons. 359 00:22:23,994 --> 00:22:30,174 Either God doesn't exist or he has a personal vendetta against me. 360 00:22:32,481 --> 00:22:35,441 No, I stopped believing in God at an early age. 361 00:22:35,484 --> 00:22:38,444 I stopped believing God at, like, 12 or 13, 362 00:22:38,487 --> 00:22:44,232 because when everyone was behind the bleachers, uh, 363 00:22:44,275 --> 00:22:47,366 fingering and getting fingered, 364 00:22:47,409 --> 00:22:52,458 I was looking at my hands going, "Why God? Why? 365 00:22:53,850 --> 00:22:56,113 "Why can't I get fingered?" 366 00:23:00,248 --> 00:23:02,816 Um, I got robbed the other day, 367 00:23:03,643 --> 00:23:05,558 Yeah, um, 368 00:23:06,646 --> 00:23:09,953 a complete stranger went up to me 369 00:23:09,997 --> 00:23:12,956 and treated me like a complete equal. 370 00:23:17,657 --> 00:23:19,659 He even thanked me after robbing. 371 00:23:19,702 --> 00:23:22,357 I got a note, "Thank you, sir. You're a hero." 372 00:23:25,186 --> 00:23:27,971 No, uh, I have gotten robbed. 373 00:23:28,015 --> 00:23:32,976 I've gotten robbed, like, five times by now, 374 00:23:33,020 --> 00:23:35,936 I know they say don't blame the victim, 375 00:23:35,979 --> 00:23:40,114 but I need to start switching up some shit. 376 00:23:42,203 --> 00:23:46,599 By the fifth time, you're like, "Damn. Am I that easy?" 377 00:23:49,036 --> 00:23:51,386 My history keeps on repeating itself. 378 00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:55,521 I keep making the same mistakes. 379 00:23:55,564 --> 00:23:59,002 The last time I got robbed, I'll never forget. 380 00:23:59,046 --> 00:24:02,832 Um, last time I got robbed... 381 00:24:02,876 --> 00:24:07,184 I got robbed because... I got robbed on New Year's Day, 382 00:24:07,228 --> 00:24:13,364 and I got robbed because I made two New Year's resolutions. 383 00:24:13,408 --> 00:24:19,501 Um, the first one was, "Learn more about history." 384 00:24:19,545 --> 00:24:23,026 And the second one was, "Try new things." 385 00:24:25,594 --> 00:24:29,903 So, on New Year's Day, 386 00:24:30,991 --> 00:24:35,125 I started the Ken Burns documentary, 387 00:24:35,169 --> 00:24:37,388 The War on Vietnam, 388 00:24:38,346 --> 00:24:42,176 and I ordered a prostitute, 389 00:24:44,004 --> 00:24:47,703 which, in turn, robbed me, um... 390 00:24:47,747 --> 00:24:50,053 I'll tell you how I got robbed by a prostitute. 391 00:24:50,097 --> 00:24:54,754 And so, like, how the Vietnam War ended, 392 00:24:54,797 --> 00:24:58,801 just everyone confused, 393 00:24:58,845 --> 00:25:02,413 and wanting to be out of this situation, 394 00:25:04,415 --> 00:25:08,376 and questioning why they got into it in the first place. 395 00:25:13,555 --> 00:25:15,557 Everyone felt guilty. 396 00:25:16,558 --> 00:25:17,951 Not right. 397 00:25:22,390 --> 00:25:24,566 So I started watching the documentary 398 00:25:24,610 --> 00:25:27,569 and I was on the 3,000 casualty, 399 00:25:27,613 --> 00:25:31,399 and I thought to myself, "You know what would make this night more delightful? 400 00:25:31,442 --> 00:25:33,140 "A prostitute." 401 00:25:36,752 --> 00:25:41,452 And so I get on, uh, backpage.com. 402 00:25:41,496 --> 00:25:45,239 And if you nice folks aren't familiar with Backpage, 403 00:25:45,282 --> 00:25:50,940 Backpage is like the shittier, shadier version of Craigslist. 404 00:25:50,984 --> 00:25:54,596 And Craigslist is a serial killer website. 405 00:25:56,337 --> 00:25:59,470 So, I chose the shadier, shittier version 406 00:25:59,514 --> 00:26:02,212 -of the serial killer website... -Yes! 407 00:26:02,256 --> 00:26:05,564 ...to order a stranger out to my house. 408 00:26:05,607 --> 00:26:08,349 So maybe, yes, I deserved it, um... 409 00:26:09,437 --> 00:26:13,180 But I get the lady that I ordered, 410 00:26:13,223 --> 00:26:19,795 and, uh, I have my... my... 411 00:26:19,839 --> 00:26:23,930 my caregiver position me just the way I like it. 412 00:26:24,974 --> 00:26:29,022 And she leaves, and... 413 00:26:31,241 --> 00:26:32,373 And, uh... 414 00:26:35,202 --> 00:26:37,683 Around this time, she's thinking to herself, 415 00:26:39,467 --> 00:26:41,600 "I need to find another fucking job." 416 00:26:45,429 --> 00:26:49,999 And then the woman of the night comes up, 417 00:26:50,043 --> 00:26:51,261 and... 418 00:26:52,915 --> 00:26:55,178 I can... I can feel the tension. 419 00:26:55,222 --> 00:26:58,878 She feels a little awkward, feels a little hesitant. 420 00:26:58,921 --> 00:27:01,663 And I asked her, "Why are you so awkward?" 421 00:27:01,707 --> 00:27:07,147 And I'm like, "Is this your first time maybe?" 422 00:27:07,190 --> 00:27:09,802 And she's like, "I've never done this before." 423 00:27:09,845 --> 00:27:13,936 And I go, "You've never had sex with a stranger before for money?" 424 00:27:13,980 --> 00:27:16,069 She goes, "No, no, no, I've never had sex 425 00:27:16,112 --> 00:27:18,419 with a strange cripple for money before." 426 00:27:18,462 --> 00:27:20,116 I go, "That makes more sense. 427 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,032 "That adds up." 428 00:27:24,773 --> 00:27:27,123 So, I get her a drink. 429 00:27:27,167 --> 00:27:28,690 She sits down. 430 00:27:28,734 --> 00:27:31,040 We start watching the documentary... 431 00:27:35,001 --> 00:27:36,437 ...to get in the mood. 432 00:27:42,008 --> 00:27:45,838 We started talking about the merits of the Tet Offensive. 433 00:27:49,493 --> 00:27:53,019 And she raises a good point, she says, 434 00:27:53,062 --> 00:27:57,893 "You know, the Viet Cong used guerrilla warfare, 435 00:27:57,937 --> 00:28:01,114 "the same tactics to fend off any imperial force 436 00:28:01,157 --> 00:28:06,336 "that the, uh, soldiers of the American Revolution used, 437 00:28:06,380 --> 00:28:09,426 "proving once again that we are doomed to make 438 00:28:09,470 --> 00:28:12,081 "the same mistakes over and over again. 439 00:28:12,125 --> 00:28:16,695 "And our history is doomed to repeat itself." 440 00:28:16,738 --> 00:28:18,348 Yes! 441 00:28:18,392 --> 00:28:19,741 And then she goes, 442 00:28:19,785 --> 00:28:22,265 "Anyway, where's your money?" 443 00:28:24,790 --> 00:28:30,143 And so, I show her my money and she grabs it, 444 00:28:30,186 --> 00:28:33,799 and she says, "I'll be right back. 445 00:28:33,842 --> 00:28:36,497 "I forgot something downstairs." 446 00:28:37,237 --> 00:28:38,847 And white rabbit, 447 00:28:38,891 --> 00:28:40,849 she never returned. 448 00:28:42,633 --> 00:28:44,984 She cut and ran, 449 00:28:45,027 --> 00:28:47,769 just like Richard Nixon did... 450 00:28:50,206 --> 00:28:52,687 ...to the South Vietnamese. 451 00:28:56,996 --> 00:29:01,478 I hope you liked that joke because it cost me $250. 452 00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:15,144 You guys... 453 00:29:16,972 --> 00:29:20,584 take for granted a lot of your abilities, so... 454 00:29:20,628 --> 00:29:25,024 I will say, you able-bodied people 455 00:29:26,590 --> 00:29:29,985 don't take advantage of a lot of your abilities, um... 456 00:29:32,727 --> 00:29:34,729 Like, do you guys realize 457 00:29:36,078 --> 00:29:40,126 that you can kill anyone you want? 458 00:29:42,737 --> 00:29:44,347 Whenever you want. 459 00:29:45,871 --> 00:29:48,264 I'm not saying you should. 460 00:29:49,526 --> 00:29:51,659 I'm just saying I would. 461 00:29:55,097 --> 00:29:58,709 I would kill, like, six to seven people a week. 462 00:30:00,581 --> 00:30:02,235 Yes, that's once a day. 463 00:30:04,063 --> 00:30:07,370 And it's not out of hatred. I love people. 464 00:30:07,414 --> 00:30:10,286 Like, I love people. And it's not out of hatred. 465 00:30:10,330 --> 00:30:13,289 Like, for example, I had the opportunity 466 00:30:13,333 --> 00:30:14,856 to kill somebody one time, 467 00:30:14,900 --> 00:30:17,685 and I, regrettably, didn't do it. 468 00:30:17,728 --> 00:30:22,081 You see, my brother was at the edge of a staircase 469 00:30:22,124 --> 00:30:23,473 and I thought to myself, 470 00:30:23,517 --> 00:30:26,085 "If I just push my chair 471 00:30:27,216 --> 00:30:30,611 "a little further, 472 00:30:30,654 --> 00:30:34,354 "he would fall down that staircase to his death." 473 00:30:35,964 --> 00:30:38,706 And I, regrettably, didn't do it. I didn't. 474 00:30:38,749 --> 00:30:39,838 It's not out of hatred. 475 00:30:39,881 --> 00:30:41,274 I love my brother. 476 00:30:42,231 --> 00:30:44,190 It was the power, you know? 477 00:30:45,887 --> 00:30:47,758 The power of murder. 478 00:30:49,195 --> 00:30:52,676 I could not deal with that power for a second. 479 00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:56,680 And you guys deal with that every day of your life. 480 00:30:56,724 --> 00:30:58,334 I don't know how you do it. 481 00:30:59,596 --> 00:31:02,338 I think if you... if you deal with that power, 482 00:31:02,382 --> 00:31:05,080 if you don't kill somebody, if you deal with that power, 483 00:31:05,124 --> 00:31:08,431 you deserve some sort of peace prize, you know. 484 00:31:08,475 --> 00:31:09,911 It's hard. 485 00:31:09,955 --> 00:31:14,960 And if you do, like... If you do kill someone, 486 00:31:15,003 --> 00:31:17,571 if you can't handle that power, 487 00:31:17,614 --> 00:31:21,444 well, you're probably a cop, so... 488 00:31:24,970 --> 00:31:27,929 It's... It's okay, you'll get away with it anyway. 489 00:31:29,975 --> 00:31:31,977 You'll get away with it anyway. 490 00:31:33,239 --> 00:31:35,284 Don't... Don't worry about it. 491 00:31:38,505 --> 00:31:39,549 I... 492 00:31:40,550 --> 00:31:42,204 I'm jealous, man. 493 00:31:42,248 --> 00:31:45,077 I'm jealous. As a cripple, I'm jealous. 494 00:31:46,643 --> 00:31:50,952 I'm jealous of other minorities, you know, 495 00:31:50,996 --> 00:31:54,390 because other minorities in this country are hated, 496 00:31:54,434 --> 00:31:55,957 you know, I'm jealous of that. 497 00:31:57,219 --> 00:31:59,830 Right, seriously, like, 498 00:32:01,180 --> 00:32:02,964 Black and gay people 499 00:32:03,008 --> 00:32:07,969 have entire groups dedicated to hating them. 500 00:32:08,013 --> 00:32:13,235 And I wish, like, those groups would spread that hatred 501 00:32:13,279 --> 00:32:15,368 toward crippled people. 502 00:32:15,411 --> 00:32:17,936 Just a little, you know, 503 00:32:17,979 --> 00:32:19,938 because there's no quicker way 504 00:32:19,981 --> 00:32:23,028 to get respect in this country than to be hated. 505 00:32:25,117 --> 00:32:28,685 I just once... I want to see a group of zealots 506 00:32:28,729 --> 00:32:30,992 outside a children's hospital 507 00:32:31,036 --> 00:32:34,953 with signs that say, "God hates gimps." 508 00:32:37,390 --> 00:32:39,827 And then I know we made it, man. 509 00:32:41,002 --> 00:32:43,483 I know some things would change, 510 00:32:43,526 --> 00:32:46,181 some legislation would get passed, you know. 511 00:32:48,401 --> 00:32:50,925 I'm jealous, man. 512 00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:54,450 I'm jealous of other minorities, you know. 513 00:32:54,494 --> 00:32:56,278 Like, I don't think crippled people 514 00:32:56,322 --> 00:32:59,412 have enough stereotypes. 515 00:32:59,455 --> 00:33:01,544 I wish crippled people had more stereotypes. 516 00:33:01,588 --> 00:33:04,765 I wish crippled people had, like, a favorite food. 517 00:33:08,725 --> 00:33:10,336 Like, I wish everyone knew 518 00:33:10,379 --> 00:33:13,817 that crippled people love pepperoni pizza. 519 00:33:18,561 --> 00:33:22,304 Like, can you imagine ordering a pizza and being, like, 520 00:33:22,348 --> 00:33:24,872 "Yeah, I'll have one large pepperoni." 521 00:33:24,915 --> 00:33:27,831 And the guy at the counter being like, "I'm sorry, sir. 522 00:33:27,875 --> 00:33:29,529 "We're all out." 523 00:33:29,572 --> 00:33:32,749 And you being like, "It was those goddamn cripples again, 524 00:33:34,273 --> 00:33:36,318 "wasn't it? 525 00:33:36,362 --> 00:33:39,234 "They took all the pepperoni pizza, didn't they? 526 00:33:39,278 --> 00:33:42,107 "They were probably fighting over it, weren't they?" 527 00:33:43,934 --> 00:33:47,938 And eventually, you guys would feel bad enough, feel guilty enough, 528 00:33:47,982 --> 00:33:52,030 so I'd start a hashtag, like, "Not all cripples." 529 00:33:55,294 --> 00:33:57,992 And then maybe, like, uh, 530 00:33:58,036 --> 00:33:59,776 change your Facebook filter, 531 00:33:59,820 --> 00:34:01,256 to, like, pepperonis. 532 00:34:04,129 --> 00:34:06,087 And then, maybe, eventually... 533 00:34:06,131 --> 00:34:09,438 Eventually, maybe, just maybe, 534 00:34:09,482 --> 00:34:13,616 you would stop leaving your fucking scooters in my way 535 00:34:13,660 --> 00:34:15,314 on the sidewalk. 536 00:34:19,535 --> 00:34:20,754 Just maybe. 537 00:34:23,583 --> 00:34:26,194 Maybe, just saying. 538 00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:28,675 You can have your scooters, 539 00:34:28,718 --> 00:34:30,764 just move them out of my fucking way. 540 00:34:32,418 --> 00:34:33,636 You're taking my shit. 541 00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:35,595 I was the original scooter. 542 00:34:39,077 --> 00:34:40,513 No, I'm jealous, man. 543 00:34:40,556 --> 00:34:41,775 I'm jealous. 544 00:34:42,689 --> 00:34:44,691 I'm jealous of other minorities. 545 00:34:44,734 --> 00:34:47,563 I'm jealous because it's sexy. 546 00:34:47,607 --> 00:34:49,652 It's sexy to be hated. 547 00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:53,613 Like, you don't hear about, 548 00:34:53,656 --> 00:34:57,007 um, many daughters 549 00:34:57,051 --> 00:35:00,315 bringing home cripples to piss off their dad, you know. 550 00:35:02,796 --> 00:35:04,145 "I'm sorry, Father. 551 00:35:04,189 --> 00:35:06,887 "We're gonna have to bring out the ramp tonight." 552 00:35:09,977 --> 00:35:13,372 "No daughter of mine is dating one of them cripples." 553 00:35:15,765 --> 00:35:17,202 And I know what you're thinking. 554 00:35:17,245 --> 00:35:20,683 "Why do they have a ramp if they hate crippled people?" 555 00:35:23,295 --> 00:35:26,167 And the answer is appropriation. 556 00:35:26,211 --> 00:35:29,083 They're appropriating our culture. 557 00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:31,085 They hate us so much, 558 00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:33,174 they want to be us. 559 00:35:41,269 --> 00:35:43,010 I don't know. 560 00:35:43,053 --> 00:35:44,316 It's tough, man. 561 00:35:45,317 --> 00:35:46,361 It's tough. 562 00:35:46,405 --> 00:35:49,843 Yeah, it's tough being disabled... 563 00:35:49,886 --> 00:35:52,324 I'm not the only one that got weird... 564 00:35:52,367 --> 00:35:55,457 that gets weird questions regarding my disability. 565 00:35:56,763 --> 00:36:02,116 My folks would always get weird questions. 566 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,466 You know, growing up, they would always... 567 00:36:04,510 --> 00:36:06,468 Other parents would come up to them, 568 00:36:06,512 --> 00:36:09,602 and be like, "Is it hard 569 00:36:09,645 --> 00:36:12,126 "raising a kid in a wheelchair?" 570 00:36:12,953 --> 00:36:14,694 Which I'm sure it is. 571 00:36:14,737 --> 00:36:17,566 You know, I'm sure it has its challenges, 572 00:36:19,046 --> 00:36:21,222 but I always thought it would be harder 573 00:36:22,267 --> 00:36:25,922 to raise a douchebag. 574 00:36:28,664 --> 00:36:29,752 Like... 575 00:36:31,580 --> 00:36:36,019 Because, as a parent, you have no control over that, you know? 576 00:36:38,196 --> 00:36:41,024 Like, what can you do, really? 577 00:36:42,243 --> 00:36:45,246 And other parents come up to you like, 578 00:36:45,290 --> 00:36:49,337 "Hey, you know, your kid, he really sucks." 579 00:36:51,731 --> 00:36:54,560 And you have to be like, "I know, we're trying. 580 00:36:56,214 --> 00:36:57,476 "What do you want us to do? 581 00:36:57,519 --> 00:36:59,434 "We put a roof over his head. 582 00:36:59,478 --> 00:37:00,740 "We feed him. 583 00:37:00,783 --> 00:37:03,133 "We told him to stop wearing Affliction." 584 00:37:03,177 --> 00:37:05,571 "What else do you want us to do?" 585 00:37:08,138 --> 00:37:10,750 I feel sorry for these parents, man. 586 00:37:11,577 --> 00:37:13,970 I feel sorry for them. 587 00:37:14,014 --> 00:37:16,756 That's why I'm gonna start a movement. 588 00:37:16,799 --> 00:37:20,281 It's gonna be called, "Support Parents of Douchebags." 589 00:37:21,848 --> 00:37:23,589 We're gonna have the whole thing. 590 00:37:23,632 --> 00:37:27,462 We're gonna have, like, halftime shows, 591 00:37:27,506 --> 00:37:29,812 we're gonna have, like, marathons, 592 00:37:30,900 --> 00:37:33,381 we're gonna have, um, 593 00:37:34,687 --> 00:37:37,211 like, ribbons, 594 00:37:38,343 --> 00:37:39,605 you know? 595 00:37:39,648 --> 00:37:42,564 The only problem is there's no more colors left. 596 00:37:42,608 --> 00:37:46,220 Like, we're curing too much as a society. 597 00:37:47,221 --> 00:37:48,396 We're gonna have the ribbons 598 00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:51,573 that say "Support Parents of Douchebags." 599 00:37:51,617 --> 00:37:53,358 But there's no more colors left, 600 00:37:53,401 --> 00:37:54,881 and we're curing too much, 601 00:37:54,924 --> 00:37:57,187 and we're doing it the wrong way. 602 00:37:57,231 --> 00:37:59,320 It's always these walks. 603 00:37:59,364 --> 00:38:02,758 You know, these walks to cure AOS. 604 00:38:02,802 --> 00:38:05,979 These walks to cure CP. 605 00:38:06,022 --> 00:38:08,851 These walks to cure MS. 606 00:38:08,895 --> 00:38:12,377 That's like having an unawkward social situation 607 00:38:12,420 --> 00:38:14,901 to cure autism. 608 00:38:17,382 --> 00:38:21,124 Or unprotected sex orgy to cure AIDS. 609 00:38:23,779 --> 00:38:25,390 I'm just saying you're disqualifying 610 00:38:25,433 --> 00:38:27,305 the very people you're trying to help. 611 00:38:27,348 --> 00:38:30,743 And people ask me weird questions too, they're like, 612 00:38:30,786 --> 00:38:34,050 "Because of your... You know, do you feel out of place 613 00:38:34,094 --> 00:38:36,444 "because your condition, you know?" 614 00:38:36,488 --> 00:38:40,970 I'm like, "I used to, you know, I used to feel awkward, 615 00:38:41,014 --> 00:38:43,408 "I used to feel out of place. 616 00:38:43,451 --> 00:38:47,760 "I used to feel like an outcast, like I didn't belong. 617 00:38:47,803 --> 00:38:51,938 "But then I started drinking with other alcoholics." 618 00:38:56,116 --> 00:38:58,945 "So, I feel more part of the group. 619 00:39:00,338 --> 00:39:03,297 "Less judged, you know?" 620 00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:05,473 I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not. 621 00:39:05,517 --> 00:39:08,955 I think the definition is too loose nowadays, 622 00:39:08,998 --> 00:39:12,654 like, I think the questions they ask are too weird. 623 00:39:12,698 --> 00:39:15,048 It's like, um, they always ask, 624 00:39:15,091 --> 00:39:17,746 "Do you drink when you're depressed?" You know. 625 00:39:18,878 --> 00:39:21,097 "Well, yeah. I want to be happy. 626 00:39:21,141 --> 00:39:24,536 "So, yes, I drink when I'm depressed." 627 00:39:24,579 --> 00:39:26,973 "Well, do you drink when you're alone?" 628 00:39:27,016 --> 00:39:29,932 "Well, when I'm alone, I'm depressed. 629 00:39:29,976 --> 00:39:32,892 "So, yes, I drink when I'm alone. 630 00:39:32,935 --> 00:39:35,285 "Maybe if you stop asking the same question, 631 00:39:35,329 --> 00:39:37,026 "I might have a different answer." 632 00:39:39,246 --> 00:39:40,943 You know, I don't know if I'm alcoholic, 633 00:39:40,987 --> 00:39:42,249 because it's so... 634 00:39:42,292 --> 00:39:44,643 I think anyone in our society, 635 00:39:44,686 --> 00:39:48,037 anyone in our history could be determined alcoholic. 636 00:39:48,081 --> 00:39:51,563 Like, I think anyone could be an alcoholic. 637 00:39:51,606 --> 00:39:54,392 Like, I think Jesus Christ himself 638 00:39:54,435 --> 00:39:57,699 could have been an alcoholic. 639 00:39:57,743 --> 00:40:01,834 "Hello. My name is Jesus Christ of Nazareth. 640 00:40:04,445 --> 00:40:06,447 "I'm the Lord of Lords. 641 00:40:07,753 --> 00:40:09,407 "The King of Kings. 642 00:40:10,495 --> 00:40:12,105 "The Prince of peace. 643 00:40:13,323 --> 00:40:14,934 "The alpha and omega. 644 00:40:16,631 --> 00:40:18,024 "Your Messiah. 645 00:40:19,373 --> 00:40:21,462 "Your Lord and Savior. 646 00:40:21,506 --> 00:40:24,465 "And, yes, I'm an alcoholic." 647 00:40:27,773 --> 00:40:32,647 "I first realized I had a problem when I would go to parties 648 00:40:32,691 --> 00:40:36,477 "and instead of just going home when the party was over, 649 00:40:36,521 --> 00:40:40,350 "I would turn all the water into wine. 650 00:40:42,570 --> 00:40:46,444 "And then I would still be drunk from the night before, 651 00:40:46,487 --> 00:40:48,315 "and I'm a mean drunk, 652 00:40:49,708 --> 00:40:51,710 "so I would go to temple, 653 00:40:51,753 --> 00:40:54,756 "and just start flipping all the tables... 654 00:40:56,062 --> 00:40:57,324 "over." 655 00:40:59,544 --> 00:41:02,503 "Then came the prostitutes. 656 00:41:02,547 --> 00:41:07,508 "And I don't make much on a carpenter's salary. 657 00:41:07,552 --> 00:41:10,990 "So I had to give them whatever I had at the time, 658 00:41:11,033 --> 00:41:13,209 "which was eternal life. 659 00:41:15,951 --> 00:41:20,216 "Um, then I started washing random women's feet." 660 00:41:27,049 --> 00:41:29,182 "Then my father forsaked me. 661 00:41:31,271 --> 00:41:35,405 "And I had a hangover that lasted, like, three days." 662 00:41:39,105 --> 00:41:41,716 "But I've been sober ever since now. 663 00:41:43,326 --> 00:41:47,156 "I've been sober for about 2022 years now. 664 00:41:48,810 --> 00:41:51,552 "So I do what every sober person does, 665 00:41:51,596 --> 00:41:54,468 "I just sit around and judge people all day." 666 00:42:09,570 --> 00:42:13,226 I'm going to hell for that joke. 667 00:42:13,269 --> 00:42:16,272 I was going to hell long before that joke, though, 668 00:42:16,316 --> 00:42:18,144 because of the little-known secret, 669 00:42:18,187 --> 00:42:20,581 "All crippled people go to hell." 670 00:42:21,930 --> 00:42:23,584 It's true. 671 00:42:23,628 --> 00:42:26,587 Because there's too many steps to get to heaven. 672 00:42:32,027 --> 00:42:33,681 And we're trying to get it changed. 673 00:42:33,725 --> 00:42:35,901 We really are. We're trying to get changed, 674 00:42:35,944 --> 00:42:37,859 but, you see, 675 00:42:37,903 --> 00:42:40,122 heaven's a historical landmark. 676 00:42:43,430 --> 00:42:46,259 So we can't get that shit changed. 677 00:42:49,218 --> 00:42:51,786 But Peter yells down to us every now and then, 678 00:42:51,830 --> 00:42:54,615 Peter yells down to all the cripples. 679 00:42:54,659 --> 00:42:58,706 He's like, "Hey, guys, how's it going down there?" 680 00:42:58,750 --> 00:43:01,187 And we're like, "It's all right. 681 00:43:02,667 --> 00:43:04,625 "It could be better. 682 00:43:04,669 --> 00:43:06,061 "You know, it's hell." 683 00:43:08,107 --> 00:43:10,283 And he's like, "Sorry about that. 684 00:43:10,326 --> 00:43:13,982 "We've got some big gods who can lift you up." 685 00:43:14,026 --> 00:43:16,463 And we're like, "No, we don't want to be a burden. 686 00:43:18,117 --> 00:43:20,162 "What about Jesus? 687 00:43:20,206 --> 00:43:22,687 "Is he available? Can he do something?" 688 00:43:22,730 --> 00:43:26,168 "No. Jesus is in a meeting or something. I don't know." 689 00:43:29,128 --> 00:43:30,564 "Well, we don't need a miracle. 690 00:43:30,608 --> 00:43:33,611 "We just really need a ramp. That would be great. 691 00:43:37,353 --> 00:43:39,399 "We just really need a ramp." 692 00:43:43,664 --> 00:43:45,057 "That would be great." 693 00:43:49,061 --> 00:43:50,410 I don't know. 694 00:43:50,453 --> 00:43:52,064 It's awkward, man. 695 00:43:53,282 --> 00:43:56,677 Disability is an awkward situation. 696 00:43:58,418 --> 00:44:00,986 It's awkward being disabled. 697 00:44:01,029 --> 00:44:05,468 Constantly, you're put in awkward situations. 698 00:44:07,209 --> 00:44:09,342 Um, a couple of years back, 699 00:44:10,256 --> 00:44:14,086 I was at my folks' house, 700 00:44:15,043 --> 00:44:16,958 and I had to have a shower. 701 00:44:19,265 --> 00:44:21,006 And there was no one there 702 00:44:21,833 --> 00:44:23,138 to give me a shower. 703 00:44:24,052 --> 00:44:25,575 My caregiver wasn't there. 704 00:44:25,619 --> 00:44:27,403 There was no one there. 705 00:44:27,447 --> 00:44:32,278 So, my mom, of all people, had to give me a shower. 706 00:44:33,192 --> 00:44:37,196 So there I was, 26-years-old, 707 00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:40,634 naked, soap all around me. 708 00:44:40,678 --> 00:44:43,158 And my mom looks at me and she goes, 709 00:44:43,202 --> 00:44:47,510 "Lucas, what did you do to yourself?" 710 00:44:47,554 --> 00:44:51,166 And I go, "Mom, I have no idea what you're talking about. 711 00:44:51,210 --> 00:44:54,300 "Let's get this over with. This is awkward. 712 00:44:54,343 --> 00:44:56,606 "I have no idea what you're talking about." 713 00:44:56,650 --> 00:44:59,479 She goes, "You know exactly what I'm talking about." 714 00:44:59,522 --> 00:45:00,959 And she calls my dad, 715 00:45:01,002 --> 00:45:02,874 "Mark, get in here. 716 00:45:02,917 --> 00:45:06,660 "Look what your son did to himself." 717 00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:11,056 And my dad walks in, takes one glance at me. 718 00:45:11,099 --> 00:45:15,756 And he goes, "Well, it looks like he's shaved his pubes." 719 00:45:18,150 --> 00:45:20,805 And my mom looks at... 720 00:45:20,848 --> 00:45:22,502 And my mom says, 721 00:45:23,590 --> 00:45:26,680 "That is disgusting. That is awful. 722 00:45:26,724 --> 00:45:28,551 "You... Hmm? 723 00:45:28,595 --> 00:45:33,774 "Your father and I have never done anything like that in our lives." 724 00:45:33,818 --> 00:45:37,256 So, there I am, 26-years-old, 725 00:45:38,300 --> 00:45:42,000 naked, soap all around me, 726 00:45:42,043 --> 00:45:46,918 staring at my parents in the eyeballs. 727 00:45:46,961 --> 00:45:52,010 And all I can think of is their gnarly, untamed pubic hair. 728 00:45:59,539 --> 00:46:01,193 And my mom goes on, she goes, 729 00:46:01,236 --> 00:46:04,370 "That's disgusting. That's awful. Who did that to you?" 730 00:46:04,413 --> 00:46:06,633 I go, "Mom, my friend did this for me." 731 00:46:06,676 --> 00:46:09,418 She goes, "That's awful. That's a terrible friend." 732 00:46:09,462 --> 00:46:11,899 I go, "No, Mom. That's a great friend." 733 00:46:15,250 --> 00:46:18,340 "Great friends shave their friends' pubes." 734 00:46:20,560 --> 00:46:23,955 It's very inspirational. 735 00:46:23,998 --> 00:46:27,828 Call me crippled, but I'm gonna make an inspirational poster of it. 736 00:46:29,308 --> 00:46:32,920 It's gonna have me with my pants around my ankles, 737 00:46:32,964 --> 00:46:37,490 and my friend on his knees with a razor in his hand, 738 00:46:37,533 --> 00:46:39,709 and under it it's gonna say "friendship." 739 00:46:44,889 --> 00:46:47,326 It makes me very warm and fuzzy, 740 00:46:48,544 --> 00:46:50,024 on the inside. 741 00:46:50,982 --> 00:46:53,854 Not as much on the outside. 742 00:46:59,033 --> 00:47:00,469 Anybody smoke weed? 743 00:47:00,513 --> 00:47:03,211 Hell yeah! 744 00:47:03,255 --> 00:47:05,300 I, uh, I smoke weed too. 745 00:47:05,344 --> 00:47:07,128 I'm bad at that, though. 746 00:47:07,172 --> 00:47:10,218 I'm not as good at smoking weed. 747 00:47:10,262 --> 00:47:13,700 And it's not because I can't pass. 748 00:47:13,743 --> 00:47:15,789 I can pass just fine. 749 00:47:17,095 --> 00:47:19,097 It's the puff-puff 750 00:47:20,359 --> 00:47:22,361 that I have a problem with. 751 00:47:24,058 --> 00:47:26,452 Because the first puff, I'm like, 752 00:47:26,495 --> 00:47:30,499 "This shit is amazing. Why don't I do it more often?" 753 00:47:31,936 --> 00:47:33,851 And then the second puff, I'm like, 754 00:47:34,939 --> 00:47:37,593 "Why the hell did I do this shit? 755 00:47:38,638 --> 00:47:42,337 "I am way too high right now. 756 00:47:42,381 --> 00:47:45,819 "Why is everyone talking to me like I'm retarded? 757 00:47:47,168 --> 00:47:49,605 "Wait a second. Am I retarded? 758 00:47:50,998 --> 00:47:54,567 "Is this why I rode the short bus as a kid? 759 00:47:55,873 --> 00:47:58,919 "Did I literally smoke myself retarded?" 760 00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:05,143 I did ride the short bus as a kid. 761 00:48:06,492 --> 00:48:09,669 You know, I felt like an outsider. 762 00:48:09,712 --> 00:48:12,193 Like an outcast, like, I didn't belong, you know? 763 00:48:12,237 --> 00:48:14,456 I felt depressed sometimes, 764 00:48:14,500 --> 00:48:18,373 but they drove us through the drive-through every Friday. 765 00:48:18,417 --> 00:48:20,898 So that Happy Meal made it all worth it. 766 00:48:23,944 --> 00:48:26,555 No, I shouldn't shit on them that much. 767 00:48:26,599 --> 00:48:28,209 I shouldn't shit on them that much 768 00:48:28,253 --> 00:48:30,995 because the most inspirational person, 769 00:48:31,038 --> 00:48:34,128 uh, I ever met was my bus driver. 770 00:48:34,172 --> 00:48:37,349 And, uh, she was so inspirational, 771 00:48:37,392 --> 00:48:42,049 because she was, like, the first person 772 00:48:42,093 --> 00:48:47,402 that I met to treat kids with disabilities, 773 00:48:47,446 --> 00:48:50,928 um, like everyone else, you know? 774 00:48:50,971 --> 00:48:54,801 Like, she treated us better than everyone else, even. 775 00:48:54,844 --> 00:48:57,891 Like, if you don't have drool on your face, 776 00:48:57,935 --> 00:49:00,111 she won't even look you in the eye. 777 00:49:04,289 --> 00:49:06,247 And she was kind of militant about it, 778 00:49:06,291 --> 00:49:09,294 like, very passionate and militant about it. 779 00:49:09,337 --> 00:49:14,908 Like, she was like Malcolm X or Rosa Parks. 780 00:49:14,952 --> 00:49:18,781 You know, granted, there's no back of the bus on a short bus. 781 00:49:20,827 --> 00:49:22,437 But you get my point. 782 00:49:24,135 --> 00:49:27,616 And that militancy kind of rubbed off on us, 783 00:49:27,660 --> 00:49:31,446 kind of rubbed off on all the kids with disabilities, 784 00:49:31,490 --> 00:49:35,929 because I'll never forget when a bunch of normal kids, 785 00:49:36,712 --> 00:49:38,976 uh, rode the bus with us. 786 00:49:39,019 --> 00:49:42,849 You know normal kids, you know the type. 787 00:49:44,242 --> 00:49:46,896 With their perfectly combed hair, 788 00:49:48,159 --> 00:49:51,031 and their reading comprehension. 789 00:49:53,120 --> 00:49:56,080 And just the right amount of chromosomes. 790 00:49:56,123 --> 00:49:57,777 You know normal kids, 791 00:49:58,560 --> 00:50:00,258 they disgusted us. 792 00:50:00,301 --> 00:50:02,216 They were disgusting. 793 00:50:03,957 --> 00:50:06,960 And I'll never forget when they walked on that bus 794 00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:09,919 and everyone could feel the tension in the air. 795 00:50:09,963 --> 00:50:11,443 Everyone could feel it. 796 00:50:11,486 --> 00:50:12,705 It was palpable. 797 00:50:12,748 --> 00:50:14,011 Everyone could feel it. 798 00:50:14,054 --> 00:50:15,838 You could cut it with a knife. 799 00:50:15,882 --> 00:50:18,102 Everyone could feel the tension. 800 00:50:18,145 --> 00:50:20,017 Except for Susan, 801 00:50:20,060 --> 00:50:22,454 because Susan had severe autism. 802 00:50:23,585 --> 00:50:26,066 So, that wasn't really on her spectrum. 803 00:50:28,416 --> 00:50:31,289 But we had her back, man! 804 00:50:31,332 --> 00:50:35,119 We were all in this together, and I'll never forget 805 00:50:35,162 --> 00:50:38,948 when they walked on that bus and we started staring at them. 806 00:50:38,992 --> 00:50:42,996 We all started staring at them, staring lasers at them. 807 00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:44,432 Staring directly at them. 808 00:50:44,476 --> 00:50:47,087 Everyone, except for Larry, 809 00:50:47,131 --> 00:50:50,221 because Larry had two lazy eyes. 810 00:50:50,264 --> 00:50:54,094 So he just stared at the ceiling and the floor at the same time. 811 00:50:55,530 --> 00:50:58,446 But we had his back, man! 812 00:50:58,490 --> 00:51:01,014 We were all in this together. 813 00:51:01,058 --> 00:51:03,277 And I'll never forget when the normal kids 814 00:51:03,321 --> 00:51:05,714 tried to sit down right next to us, 815 00:51:05,758 --> 00:51:09,631 and we refused to move out of our seats. 816 00:51:09,675 --> 00:51:11,155 Especially me. 817 00:51:12,939 --> 00:51:15,724 Because I really didn't have a choice in the matter. 818 00:51:17,030 --> 00:51:19,946 But they had my back, man! 819 00:51:19,989 --> 00:51:22,775 We were all in this together, and I'll never forget, 820 00:51:22,818 --> 00:51:24,733 I'll never forget when a normal kid 821 00:51:24,777 --> 00:51:28,041 had the nerve to sit down right next to me, 822 00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:32,480 and ask me if I wanted to play in recess with him. 823 00:51:33,307 --> 00:51:35,440 And I go, "Recess? 824 00:51:35,483 --> 00:51:39,226 "Don't you know recess is an able-ass activity 825 00:51:39,270 --> 00:51:42,490 "invented by the normal man to keep us cripples 826 00:51:42,534 --> 00:51:44,536 "and retards oppressed? 827 00:51:44,579 --> 00:51:49,367 "Why the hell would I want to play with you in recess?" 828 00:51:49,410 --> 00:51:53,545 And a glorious chant erupted from the short bus. 829 00:51:53,588 --> 00:51:56,852 "Viva la retard! Viva la retard! 830 00:51:56,896 --> 00:51:58,724 "Viva la retard!" 831 00:51:58,767 --> 00:52:00,639 Thank you. That's my time.