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Um, I'm better than most people.
Yeah!
And it's not because of my disability,
it's because of the stupid shit
people are saying to me constantly.
Like, the other day, I was rolling down the street,
and a woman came up
next to me and said,
"Son, may I pray for you?"
And I go, "Sure,"
thinking she would pray away from me.
In private,
at her own home.
But no, she proceeded to put her hand on my shoulder
and yelled,
"Jesus Christ, please heal this man from his head to his toes!"
And at first, I was pissed,
but then I looked down,
and my feet started moving.
I looked at her, I looked at my feet.
I look at her, I look at my feet.
I look at her, I go, "It's working!
"It's working!
"I can feel! I can feel!"
And she started speaking in tongues...
"Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!"
And I go, "I can feel!
"Give me a hug!" She goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!"
And I go, "I can feel! I can feel!"
She goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!"
And I go, "I can feel! I can feel!"
She goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!"
And a third man walks up to us and goes, "Please, sir,
"stop mocking that mentally-handicapped woman."
And I go, "Fair enough."
"Fair enough."
You guys drinking tonight?
How are you doing? You're drinking?
Yeah, I'm good at drinking. I like drinking.
I'm good at drinking.
And I'm good at being crippled.
I'm just not good at both at the same time.
I need to learn how to separate the two.
It's hard, uh...
No, I drink a lot, uh,
I go out with my friends a lot, you know, drinking after shows,
you know, I go out with the comics after shows,
and we have to get from bar to bar.
So, um, we were...
We drink and drive a lot, you know?
You know, every now and then, um...
You know, what else do you want us to do?
Uber's not... Uber's not handicap accessible, um...
You know, so me and my colleague friend,
we were drinking and driving, you know, minding our own business,
and all of a sudden we get pulled over by this cop,
and he comes up to the window and he says to my friend, he says,
"You know, son, if you give me a 50, I can get you out of this."
And David goes, "Sir, that's blackmail. That's illegal."
And he goes, "No, son. It's illegal to be a Black male."
Yeah, I know.
It was a... It was awkward.
I was there. It was... It was rough, um...
See, I can tell that joke because I'm not white, I'm crippled.
And therefore, I don't have white guilt,
I have crippled guilt.
And there's only a few things
crippled people, socially and historically, feel guilty about.
One of those things is I get free drinks wherever I go.
I've never paid for a drink in my life.
Maybe that's why I'm such a fucking drunk. I don't know.
And the other thing is the Japanese internment camps.
That was us.
That was our bad.
We're sorry.
We would take it back if we could, um...
For everybody not paying attention,
that's a F.D.R. joke. He was...
He was our president.
He was crippled.
He locked up a bunch of innocent Japanese people.
But he got away with it.
And there's perks, um...
"Make America crippled again."
That's what I'm saying.
I don't know what I'm saying. No.
Move on, um...
No, when I'm not drinking and driving, um...
When I'm not drinking and driving,
I'm taking the bus.
You know, anybody take the city bus here?
Ah, okay. A bunch of poor motherfuckers.
Not gonna buy a t-shirt, um...
Got to pay for that bus fare.
I took two buses to get here.
I waited on one bus and said, "I am really crippled.
"I am so crippled."
And then I got off that...
Got on that bus,
got on another bus, and was like, "I am really poor.
"I am more poor than I am crippled."
"And look how crippled I am."
I mean, though, a couple of times, it sucks...
It sucks using the bus, uh,
using the public bus.
Like, a couple of times ago, I was getting on the bus,
and I was taking a little too long,
and, um, there's this guy on the back of the bus,
and he's like, "What the fuck is taking so long?
"Speed this shit up."
And the bus driver's like, "We got a guy in a wheelchair.
"Got to walk him down. It's gonna take a second."
And he's like, "I don't give a fuck. Speed up.
"Let's get this bus going."
And no one said anything.
Uh, which is the appropriate reaction to that man.
Because if that man is willing to yell at a person like me,
he's willing to punch a person like me in the face.
And that's appropriate behavior for a city bus, you know?
Yelling at strange, crippled people is appropriate.
You're on a bus.
What is not appropriate is these motherfuckers that smile.
You know, these guys that smile in your face?
Like, what the hell are you smiling at?
You're on a bus.
We're grown-ass people that can't get from point A to point B by ourselves,
and you're smiling at me?
Is this what you get off on?
It is 12:30 on a Tuesday, and I am drunk
and you are smiling at me.
And you know, I will say the freest you will ever feel
is 12:30 drunk on a bus on a Tuesday.
It is also the saddest you will ever feel.
But it's the freest.
You know that song, Bobby McGee?
"Freedom's just another word for being drunk on a fucking bus."
"On a Tuesday, at 12:30."
I don't know.
I'm poor, though, um
I'm... I'm real poor.
During the lockdown, during the quarantine, I realized one thing,
that I live in a complete shit-hole, you know?
I live in a shit-hole.
I live in a place that makes me look like
a divorced detective that can't let go of a case.
I just have, like, spools of yarn on my wall.
I, like, scream at my wall, "We're gonna find her!
"We're gonna find her!"
My ex-wife calls, "You got to go to your son's soccer game."
"Nobody's playing soccer until she can!"
Uh...
No, I... I do live in a shit-hole.
I live in a retirement home, a retirement community
with the rest of, uh, society's undesirables, you know?
They just shove us in a corner.
And we die.
It's a good plan.
Your plan's working. We're all dying,
very rapidly, um...
The worst thing about living in a retirement home besides the death,
and the apathy toward that death, is the smell.
You know, the smell.
It smells like dirty diapers and old pussy, you know?
You know that old pussy smell?
That's right.
And it's hard to bring people up.
It's hard to bring girls up when your place smells like old pussy, you know?
It's hard to get, you know...
Like, I was bringing this girl up, and she...
Uh, the elevator door opens,
and she's like, "Why does it smell like old pussy?"
And we walk in, and sure enough,
there was an old vagina just in the corner...
of the elevator.
And it was still wet.
Which was impressive.
I got OA wop in my house,
you know, old ass wet ass pussy.
Oh, my God.
I got some old-ass hoes in my house.
See, that's a more relevant...
You know, that's more relevant than Bobby McGee.
I thought I was gonna...
Ten years ago, I thought I was gonna change the world with my comedy,
and now I'm saying OA wop on stage.
It's all working out.
Following the dream.
It's working out. Um...
No, a lot of people feel sorry for me
because of my disability, you know.
A lot of people feel sorry for me because I'm crippled.
And they shouldn't.
Um, because I'm not the worst level of cripple.
What I mean by that is there are four different levels
of crippled.
There are four different levels of crippled,
and I'm not the worst.
Like, the first level of crippled
is, like, almost crippled.
You guys know these cripples, they're almost crippled.
They have a limp, you know?
All they do is limp around.
And take my handicap spot.
I'm not saying they're faking it, necessarily,
but they're definitely cheating someone
out of some money somewhere, you know.
Yeah, I give that applause break.
Um...
You know, the Kevin Spacey The Usual Suspects.
That level of crippled.
Now, the second level of crippled is crippled.
These cripples are crippled, they really are.
But they're kind of pretentious about it, you know.
These smug assholes...
...have the audacity to play in sports...
...and climb mountains.
These smug sons of bitches have the gall
to get inspirational posters made of them.
They make being crippled look easy, which it is.
It's like the easiest shit I've ever done.
But I don't want other people to know that, right?
I'm getting free drinks over here.
Keep that shit to yourself.
Keep it coming.
See me? I'm really crippled.
And really crippled is the level of crippled
where people are surprised that we're outside.
People go up to me all the time,
they're like, "Hey, buddy, we're so proud you made it out.
"How'd you do it?"
What they don't really know, it's the easiest shit I've ever done.
But the good thing about being really crippled
is if this comedy thing doesn't work out,
I can always be an artist.
And I don't have to be a good artist.
I could be a real shit artist.
All I have to do is doodle on a little piece of paper.
Put it up in a museum.
People walk up next to it,
"What is that shit?"
I roll up next to it.
"It comes my inner pain."
"Fifty grand! We'll give fifty grand for that piece of shit!"
Now, the worst level of crippled,
the absolute worst is too crippled.
These cripples are too crippled to exist.
They make you question God's plan.
Like, Jesus Christ, are we really made in his image?
Did he fuck up or what?
Like, the only difference between really crippled
and too crippled is I can do this...
I know, I know. "Stop showing off."
But I'm gonna do this for the rest of the set.
It's, like, my favorite thing to do.
You know, uh...
-You know Stephen Hawking... -Yes.
...the guy who invented science,
he was too crippled.
That's why he died.
No, he died because he was really old,
and too crippled.
Nine times out of ten.
Nine equals death.
That one's for me just to watch you...
squirm in your chair.
I got to confess something, guys.
Uh, white rabbit, I got to confess something.
I, um... I've never fucked anyone.
Um, see, I've had sex.
I'm a great sex-haver.
I'm one of the best. Uh, you can ask anyone,
but I've never fucked anyone, um, because I can't thrust.
I've never been much of a thruster.
I can't thrust and I can't dominate, you know?
I think those are two things you need to be able to fuck.
I can dominate in a few things.
I can dominate, like, a 36-hour Netflix series in about a day.
I can dominate, like, a Taco Bell drive-through menu in about a weekend.
I can dominate, like, a fifth of tequila in about two days.
But I can't dominate in thrusting.
Therefore, you guessed it, I cannot fuck, yes.
But I'm trying, um...
I'm trying. I'm seeing this person,
we're trying to fuck.
Uh, she's trying to fuck me.
We're on the interwebs.
We're on like, uh, you know,
trying to look up all the sex swings and gadgets,
and everything. Like, Amazon Prime is great, you know, for that.
And I don't know...
I don't know if it's technically fucking, though,
if I have to have a degree in architecture in order to do it.
I don't know if it's technically fucking
if I have to, like, join Circus Soleil
in order to do it.
I don't know if it's technically fucking
if I have to be lowered into the pussy...
like Tom Cruise of Mission Impossible,
in order to do it.
My girl gave me a compliment the other day.
She... She said, uh, I fuck like a lesbian, you know,
which is a compliment. You know, it's 2022,
that's a compliment.
Sir, that's a compliment.
Sir?
He doesn't fuck like a lesbian, does he?
I know! I know! I...
Everyone in this room knows how you fuck.
"I'm done, babe. Are you done? Okay."
Uh...
"I'm done. Babe, I'm done. Are you done? Okay. What's that?"
It happens.
If I fuck like a...
I'm a progressive guy, you know, I'm a very progressive guy.
I'm very progressive.
I'm so progressive,
I can relate to the women's plight.
I can relate to the plight of the women.
Um, I get a lot of UTIs.
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
This table knows, yeah.
Urinary tract infections.
I get so many UTIs, I could write a Vagina Monologue.
So many UTIs I get.
Uh, I'm a very progressive guy.
I'm so progressive,
I'm a socialist, you know,
but I hate people.
Um, so I want everyone to be equal,
an equal distance away from me.
I'm a very progressive guy.
I'm so progressive, I'm wearing a...
I'm so progressive, I'm wearing a unisex perfume right now.
It's, uh... it smells very nice.
It's very good, very sexy.
It's called "They for them."
I'm a very progressive guy.
Hey, I don't get... I don't get what's going on nowadays.
I'm very progressive,
but I don't get something, everyone's talking about eating ass.
You know?
Eating ass. Everyone's talking about eating ass.
I'm like, "Eating ass?
"I just wanna get mine wiped."
No, I'm just kidding, I eat ass.
Um...
I shouldn't joke about that. I'm a progressive guy.
I'm a very progressive guy.
I, uh... I'm so progressive, I don't believe in God.
Uh, for obvious reasons.
Either God doesn't exist or he has a personal vendetta against me.
No, I stopped believing in God at an early age.
I stopped believing God at, like, 12 or 13,
because when everyone was behind the bleachers, uh,
fingering and getting fingered,
I was looking at my hands going, "Why God? Why?
"Why can't I get fingered?"
Um, I got robbed the other day,
Yeah, um,
a complete stranger went up to me
and treated me like a complete equal.
He even thanked me after robbing.
I got a note, "Thank you, sir. You're a hero."
No, uh, I have gotten robbed.
I've gotten robbed, like, five times by now,
I know they say don't blame the victim,
but I need to start switching up some shit.
By the fifth time, you're like, "Damn. Am I that easy?"
My history keeps on repeating itself.
I keep making the same mistakes.
The last time I got robbed, I'll never forget.
Um, last time I got robbed...
I got robbed because... I got robbed on New Year's Day,
and I got robbed because I made two New Year's resolutions.
Um, the first one was, "Learn more about history."
And the second one was, "Try new things."
So, on New Year's Day,
I started the Ken Burns documentary,
The War on Vietnam,
and I ordered a prostitute,
which, in turn, robbed me, um...
I'll tell you how I got robbed by a prostitute.
And so, like, how the Vietnam War ended,
just everyone confused,
and wanting to be out of this situation,
and questioning why they got into it in the first place.
Everyone felt guilty.
Not right.
So I started watching the documentary
and I was on the 3,000 casualty,
and I thought to myself, "You know what would make this night more delightful?
"A prostitute."
And so I get on, uh, backpage.com.
And if you nice folks aren't familiar with Backpage,
Backpage is like the shittier, shadier version of Craigslist.
And Craigslist is a serial killer website.
So, I chose the shadier, shittier version
-of the serial killer website... -Yes!
...to order a stranger out to my house.
So maybe, yes, I deserved it, um...
But I get the lady that I ordered,
and, uh, I have my... my...
my caregiver position me just the way I like it.
And she leaves, and...
And, uh...
Around this time, she's thinking to herself,
"I need to find another fucking job."
And then the woman of the night comes up,
and...
I can... I can feel the tension.
She feels a little awkward, feels a little hesitant.
And I asked her, "Why are you so awkward?"
And I'm like, "Is this your first time maybe?"
And she's like, "I've never done this before."
And I go, "You've never had sex with a stranger before for money?"
She goes, "No, no, no, I've never had sex
with a strange cripple for money before."
I go, "That makes more sense.
"That adds up."
So, I get her a drink.
She sits down.
We start watching the documentary...
...to get in the mood.
We started talking about the merits of the Tet Offensive.
And she raises a good point, she says,
"You know, the Viet Cong used guerrilla warfare,
"the same tactics to fend off any imperial force
"that the, uh, soldiers of the American Revolution used,
"proving once again that we are doomed to make
"the same mistakes over and over again.
"And our history is doomed to repeat itself."
Yes!
And then she goes,
"Anyway, where's your money?"
And so, I show her my money and she grabs it,
and she says, "I'll be right back.
"I forgot something downstairs."
And white rabbit,
she never returned.
She cut and ran,
just like Richard Nixon did...
...to the South Vietnamese.
I hope you liked that joke because it cost me $250.
You guys...
take for granted a lot of your abilities, so...
I will say, you able-bodied people
don't take advantage of a lot of your abilities, um...
Like, do you guys realize
that you can kill anyone you want?
Whenever you want.
I'm not saying you should.
I'm just saying I would.
I would kill, like, six to seven people a week.
Yes, that's once a day.
And it's not out of hatred. I love people.
Like, I love people. And it's not out of hatred.
Like, for example, I had the opportunity
to kill somebody one time,
and I, regrettably, didn't do it.
You see, my brother was at the edge of a staircase
and I thought to myself,
"If I just push my chair
"a little further,
"he would fall down that staircase to his death."
And I, regrettably, didn't do it. I didn't.
It's not out of hatred.
I love my brother.
It was the power, you know?
The power of murder.
I could not deal with that power for a second.
And you guys deal with that every day of your life.
I don't know how you do it.
I think if you... if you deal with that power,
if you don't kill somebody, if you deal with that power,
you deserve some sort of peace prize, you know.
It's hard.
And if you do, like... If you do kill someone,
if you can't handle that power,
well, you're probably a cop, so...
It's... It's okay, you'll get away with it anyway.
You'll get away with it anyway.
Don't... Don't worry about it.
I...
I'm jealous, man.
I'm jealous. As a cripple, I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of other minorities, you know,
because other minorities in this country are hated,
you know, I'm jealous of that.
Right, seriously, like,
Black and gay people
have entire groups dedicated to hating them.
And I wish, like, those groups would spread that hatred
toward crippled people.
Just a little, you know,
because there's no quicker way
to get respect in this country than to be hated.
I just once... I want to see a group of zealots
outside a children's hospital
with signs that say, "God hates gimps."
And then I know we made it, man.
I know some things would change,
some legislation would get passed, you know.
I'm jealous, man.
I'm jealous of other minorities, you know.
Like, I don't think crippled people
have enough stereotypes.
I wish crippled people had more stereotypes.
I wish crippled people had, like, a favorite food.
Like, I wish everyone knew
that crippled people love pepperoni pizza.
Like, can you imagine ordering a pizza and being, like,
"Yeah, I'll have one large pepperoni."
And the guy at the counter being like, "I'm sorry, sir.
"We're all out."
And you being like, "It was those goddamn cripples again,
"wasn't it?
"They took all the pepperoni pizza, didn't they?
"They were probably fighting over it, weren't they?"
And eventually, you guys would feel bad enough, feel guilty enough,
so I'd start a hashtag, like, "Not all cripples."
And then maybe, like, uh,
change your Facebook filter,
to, like, pepperonis.
And then, maybe, eventually...
Eventually, maybe, just maybe,
you would stop leaving your fucking scooters in my way
on the sidewalk.
Just maybe.
Maybe, just saying.
You can have your scooters,
just move them out of my fucking way.
You're taking my shit.
I was the original scooter.
No, I'm jealous, man.
I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of other minorities.
I'm jealous because it's sexy.
It's sexy to be hated.
Like, you don't hear about,
um, many daughters
bringing home cripples to piss off their dad, you know.
"I'm sorry, Father.
"We're gonna have to bring out the ramp tonight."
"No daughter of mine is dating one of them cripples."
And I know what you're thinking.
"Why do they have a ramp if they hate crippled people?"
And the answer is appropriation.
They're appropriating our culture.
They hate us so much,
they want to be us.
I don't know.
It's tough, man.
It's tough.
Yeah, it's tough being disabled...
I'm not the only one that got weird...
that gets weird questions regarding my disability.
My folks would always get weird questions.
You know, growing up, they would always...
Other parents would come up to them,
and be like, "Is it hard
"raising a kid in a wheelchair?"
Which I'm sure it is.
You know, I'm sure it has its challenges,
but I always thought it would be harder
to raise a douchebag.
Like...
Because, as a parent, you have no control over that, you know?
Like, what can you do, really?
And other parents come up to you like,
"Hey, you know, your kid, he really sucks."
And you have to be like, "I know, we're trying.
"What do you want us to do?
"We put a roof over his head.
"We feed him.
"We told him to stop wearing Affliction."
"What else do you want us to do?"
I feel sorry for these parents, man.
I feel sorry for them.
That's why I'm gonna start a movement.
It's gonna be called, "Support Parents of Douchebags."
We're gonna have the whole thing.
We're gonna have, like, halftime shows,
we're gonna have, like, marathons,
we're gonna have, um,
like, ribbons,
you know?
The only problem is there's no more colors left.
Like, we're curing too much as a society.
We're gonna have the ribbons
that say "Support Parents of Douchebags."
But there's no more colors left,
and we're curing too much,
and we're doing it the wrong way.
It's always these walks.
You know, these walks to cure AOS.
These walks to cure CP.
These walks to cure MS.
That's like having an unawkward social situation
to cure autism.
Or unprotected sex orgy to cure AIDS.
I'm just saying you're disqualifying
the very people you're trying to help.
And people ask me weird questions too, they're like,
"Because of your... You know, do you feel out of place
"because your condition, you know?"
I'm like, "I used to, you know, I used to feel awkward,
"I used to feel out of place.
"I used to feel like an outcast, like I didn't belong.
"But then I started drinking with other alcoholics."
"So, I feel more part of the group.
"Less judged, you know?"
I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not.
I think the definition is too loose nowadays,
like, I think the questions they ask are too weird.
It's like, um, they always ask,
"Do you drink when you're depressed?" You know.
"Well, yeah. I want to be happy.
"So, yes, I drink when I'm depressed."
"Well, do you drink when you're alone?"
"Well, when I'm alone, I'm depressed.
"So, yes, I drink when I'm alone.
"Maybe if you stop asking the same question,
"I might have a different answer."
You know, I don't know if I'm alcoholic,
because it's so...
I think anyone in our society,
anyone in our history could be determined alcoholic.
Like, I think anyone could be an alcoholic.
Like, I think Jesus Christ himself
could have been an alcoholic.
"Hello. My name is Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
"I'm the Lord of Lords.
"The King of Kings.
"The Prince of peace.
"The alpha and omega.
"Your Messiah.
"Your Lord and Savior.
"And, yes, I'm an alcoholic."
"I first realized I had a problem when I would go to parties
"and instead of just going home when the party was over,
"I would turn all the water into wine.
"And then I would still be drunk from the night before,
"and I'm a mean drunk,
"so I would go to temple,
"and just start flipping all the tables...
"over."
"Then came the prostitutes.
"And I don't make much on a carpenter's salary.
"So I had to give them whatever I had at the time,
"which was eternal life.
"Um, then I started washing random women's feet."
"Then my father forsaked me.
"And I had a hangover that lasted, like, three days."
"But I've been sober ever since now.
"I've been sober for about 2022 years now.
"So I do what every sober person does,
"I just sit around and judge people all day."
I'm going to hell for that joke.
I was going to hell long before that joke, though,
because of the little-known secret,
"All crippled people go to hell."
It's true.
Because there's too many steps to get to heaven.
And we're trying to get it changed.
We really are. We're trying to get changed,
but, you see,
heaven's a historical landmark.
So we can't get that shit changed.
But Peter yells down to us every now and then,
Peter yells down to all the cripples.
He's like, "Hey, guys, how's it going down there?"
And we're like, "It's all right.
"It could be better.
"You know, it's hell."
And he's like, "Sorry about that.
"We've got some big gods who can lift you up."
And we're like, "No, we don't want to be a burden.
"What about Jesus?
"Is he available? Can he do something?"
"No. Jesus is in a meeting or something. I don't know."
"Well, we don't need a miracle.
"We just really need a ramp. That would be great.
"We just really need a ramp."
"That would be great."
I don't know.
It's awkward, man.
Disability is an awkward situation.
It's awkward being disabled.
Constantly, you're put in awkward situations.
Um, a couple of years back,
I was at my folks' house,
and I had to have a shower.
And there was no one there
to give me a shower.
My caregiver wasn't there.
There was no one there.
So, my mom, of all people, had to give me a shower.
So there I was, 26-years-old,
naked, soap all around me.
And my mom looks at me and she goes,
"Lucas, what did you do to yourself?"
And I go, "Mom, I have no idea what you're talking about.
"Let's get this over with. This is awkward.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
She goes, "You know exactly what I'm talking about."
And she calls my dad,
"Mark, get in here.
"Look what your son did to himself."
And my dad walks in, takes one glance at me.
And he goes, "Well, it looks like he's shaved his pubes."
And my mom looks at...
And my mom says,
"That is disgusting. That is awful.
"You... Hmm?
"Your father and I have never done anything like that in our lives."
So, there I am, 26-years-old,
naked, soap all around me,
staring at my parents in the eyeballs.
And all I can think of is their gnarly, untamed pubic hair.
And my mom goes on, she goes,
"That's disgusting. That's awful. Who did that to you?"
I go, "Mom, my friend did this for me."
She goes, "That's awful. That's a terrible friend."
I go, "No, Mom. That's a great friend."
"Great friends shave their friends' pubes."
It's very inspirational.
Call me crippled, but I'm gonna make an inspirational poster of it.
It's gonna have me with my pants around my ankles,
and my friend on his knees with a razor in his hand,
and under it it's gonna say "friendship."
It makes me very warm and fuzzy,
on the inside.
Not as much on the outside.
Anybody smoke weed?
Hell yeah!
I, uh, I smoke weed too.
I'm bad at that, though.
I'm not as good at smoking weed.
And it's not because I can't pass.
I can pass just fine.
It's the puff-puff
that I have a problem with.
Because the first puff, I'm like,
"This shit is amazing. Why don't I do it more often?"
And then the second puff, I'm like,
"Why the hell did I do this shit?
"I am way too high right now.
"Why is everyone talking to me like I'm retarded?
"Wait a second. Am I retarded?
"Is this why I rode the short bus as a kid?
"Did I literally smoke myself retarded?"
I did ride the short bus as a kid.
You know, I felt like an outsider.
Like an outcast, like, I didn't belong, you know?
I felt depressed sometimes,
but they drove us through the drive-through every Friday.
So that Happy Meal made it all worth it.
No, I shouldn't shit on them that much.
I shouldn't shit on them that much
because the most inspirational person,
uh, I ever met was my bus driver.
And, uh, she was so inspirational,
because she was, like, the first person
that I met to treat kids with disabilities,
um, like everyone else, you know?
Like, she treated us better than everyone else, even.
Like, if you don't have drool on your face,
she won't even look you in the eye.
And she was kind of militant about it,
like, very passionate and militant about it.
Like, she was like Malcolm X or Rosa Parks.
You know, granted, there's no back of the bus on a short bus.
But you get my point.
And that militancy kind of rubbed off on us,
kind of rubbed off on all the kids with disabilities,
because I'll never forget when a bunch of normal kids,
uh, rode the bus with us.
You know normal kids, you know the type.
With their perfectly combed hair,
and their reading comprehension.
And just the right amount of chromosomes.
You know normal kids,
they disgusted us.
They were disgusting.
And I'll never forget when they walked on that bus
and everyone could feel the tension in the air.
Everyone could feel it.
It was palpable.
Everyone could feel it.
You could cut it with a knife.
Everyone could feel the tension.
Except for Susan,
because Susan had severe autism.
So, that wasn't really on her spectrum.
But we had her back, man!
We were all in this together, and I'll never forget
when they walked on that bus and we started staring at them.
We all started staring at them, staring lasers at them.
Staring directly at them.
Everyone, except for Larry,
because Larry had two lazy eyes.
So he just stared at the ceiling and the floor at the same time.
But we had his back, man!
We were all in this together.
And I'll never forget when the normal kids
tried to sit down right next to us,
and we refused to move out of our seats.
Especially me.
Because I really didn't have a choice in the matter.
But they had my back, man!
We were all in this together, and I'll never forget,
I'll never forget when a normal kid
had the nerve to sit down right next to me,
and ask me if I wanted to play in recess with him.
And I go, "Recess?
"Don't you know recess is an able-ass activity
"invented by the normal man to keep us cripples
"and retards oppressed?
"Why the hell would I want to play with you in recess?"
And a glorious chant erupted from the short bus.
"Viva la retard! Viva la retard!
"Viva la retard!"
Thank you. That's my time.