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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
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♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
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What's happening, Atlanta?
How we feeling?
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(CHEERING)
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MARLON WAYANS: Thank you.
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Thank you.
I appreciate it. Thank you.
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- AUDIENCE MEMBER:
We love you, Marlon.
- I love you, too.
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Thank you, baby. Thank you.
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See, that's why I came
to Atlanta to film my special.
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(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
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(AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPING)
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'Cause y'all
make me feel special.
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(CHUCKLING)
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I wanna start by saying,
God loves me.
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- I don't know about you niggas.
- (LAUGHTER)
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I knew God loved me
on March 27th, 2022,
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approximately 10:32 p.m.
Eastern Standard Time,
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which is 7:32...
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Pacific.
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Or as half you niggas
wanna say, "Specific."
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00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:38,640
- (LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS)
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But I knew God loved me
at that time,
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'cause at that time...
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00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:46,064
was when Chris Rock
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cracked a joke
on Jada Pinkett Smith...
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00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:53,446
(LAUGHTER)
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...and Will Smith got up
and slapped the shit
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00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:02,580
out of one of the greatest
comedians of all time.
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00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:03,873
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yeah!
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00:02:03,873 --> 00:02:05,542
You know, that had nothing
to do with Will,
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00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:07,377
nothing to do with Jada,
nothing to do with Chris.
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- It was my fault.
- (LAUGHTER)
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All right, here's the story.
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I've known Chris Rock,
or knew of Chris Rock,
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since I was, I think,
12, 13 years old.
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My brother Keenen
did a movie called
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00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:25,895
- I'm Gonna Git You Sucka.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
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There was a role
in I'm Gonna Git You Sucka
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that my brother gave me,
he's like,
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"You're gonna play this role
called The Rib Man."
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Now, I had worked my ass off
learning these lines
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for this role all spring long,
and in summertime
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I was supposed to go out
and I was supposed to film it.
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But my brother called me up.
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I was still in school
and I couldn't get out in time.
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And my brother said,
Keenen goes...
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(IMITATES KEENEN)
"...Well, I'm sorry, Marlon,
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but we're gonna have to move on
with this project."
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00:02:49,752 --> 00:02:51,087
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
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"And I can't wait
for you to get out of school,
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00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:55,967
there's a whole production
going on, I gotta film,
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so we're gonna give this role
to Chris Rock."
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I said,
"Who the fuck is Chris Rock?"
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(IMITATES KEENEN) He says,
"He's an up-and-coming comedian,
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he's really funny, and I think
this role will be good for him."
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I said, "Fuck that nigga,
I don't know him."
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(LAUGHTER)
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"Keenen, I'm your brother,
we came out the same dick,
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why you giving this role
to him?"
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(LAUGHTER)
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(IMITATES KEENEN) "Oh, because
he worked real hard in Hollywood
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and this is his opportunity,
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and there'll be
other opportunities for you.
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Don't worry, little brother,
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I'm still gonna give you
a role."
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And my brother kept his promise,
he gave me the role...
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- as Pedestrian Number Two.
- (LAUGHTER)
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Not as glamorous
as The Rib Man, right?
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If you watch the movie,
I'm in the movie for a second,
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you have to-- it's when Flyguy
is walking down the street,
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he has goldfish in his shoe.
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Shoe breaks. Pause right there,
you will see a young-faced...
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(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
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...pigeon-toed Marlon Wayans,
like this.
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AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!
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But Chris Rock wound up
doing The Rib Man,
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and The Rib Man
wound up blowing up,
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and catapulted Chris Rock
into stardom.
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- I fucking cried that day, man.
- (LAUGHTER)
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00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,747
I did. Not to be a hater,
but I just felt like,
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00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:08,581
"That was my opportunity
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00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:10,792
and you fucking gave it
to Chris Rock."
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Fast forward to,
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I'm at the premiere
of I'm Gonna Git You Sucka,
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I'm about 14, 15 years old,
but I look--
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I've always looked young.
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00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:22,178
Like, I looked like a--
a fetus at that age.
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00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:25,264
Like, I didn't go
through puberty for a long time.
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00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:26,182
Like, I remember I had--
I was 15, 14,
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- I had, like, two dick hairs.
- (LAUGHTER)
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I was-- I was young,
I was still a virgin,
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I never, you know...
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00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,399
I didn't know nothing
about women like that.
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You know, all I know is
I was at the premiere,
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00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:38,987
and I was talking
to this really pretty girl.
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Her name was Nicole.
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00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:42,532
Now, Nicole was like,
19, 20 years old.
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I was 15, looking seven.
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And so I'm talking to this girl
and she's laughing. She goes,
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"You funny, Lil Wayan."
I said, "Thank you."
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I said, "You think
I could get your number?"
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She goes,
"Boy, I will break you."
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- I said, "Please."
- (LAUGHTER)
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She said, "I'm 19 years old,
you are jailbait."
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I said, "You can molest me,
I won't tell nobody."
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00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:03,970
- (LAUGHTER)
- I said, "How about this.
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How about you give me
your number
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00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:08,474
and then I'll call you,
and when I'm 18 years old,
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and then
maybe we could get married?"
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- AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Aw!
- That's exactly what she said.
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- She said, "Aw!"
- (LAUGHTER)
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00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:18,317
"You know what, you are so cute.
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How about this.
I'ma give you my number
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and you call me when you're 18."
I said, "Okay."
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So, she went down to write down
her pager number...
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00:05:25,199 --> 00:05:29,412
- Yeah, it was that far back.
- (LAUGHTER)
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00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:32,373
And just as she's writing
it down, all I hear is,
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(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"What the fuck you trying to do
with that pussy?"
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00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:40,339
(LAUGHTER)
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00:05:40,339 --> 00:05:42,133
I look over,
and who is it? Chris Rock.
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00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:45,428
- (LAUGHTER)
- And this was Chris Rock
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00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:46,846
before the money Chris Rock.
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00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,097
Like, he looked fucked up. Ugh!
127
00:05:48,097 --> 00:05:51,184
- (LAUGHTER)
- He had a Jheri curl,
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but didn't have enough money
for all the grease...
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00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:54,479
(LAUGHTER)
130
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:56,022
...so it was like
dry Jheri curl,
131
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,273
but he had a shag
132
00:05:57,273 --> 00:05:59,275
so the grease
would drip onto his shoulders.
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And he was like
three-different-color Black.
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00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,154
- I don't know what his--
- (LAUGHTER)
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00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:05,698
Like, he was the color
of violence.
136
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:08,034
Like it was like a--
It was like a dull shine.
137
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:10,286
Nigga looking like a--
looked like a Glock 45.
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00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:13,790
- (LAUGHTER)
- And it wasn't an even Black.
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00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:15,291
It was different,
it was iridescent.
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00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:18,127
Nigga looked
like eggplant Black,
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00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:20,254
you know, dull Black.
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00:06:20,254 --> 00:06:21,380
He looked
like Charlamagne tha God,
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00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:24,342
- three years ago.
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
144
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:30,973
And so I look over at Chris,
145
00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:34,685
and Chris has always been
like a mean stepbrother to me.
146
00:06:34,685 --> 00:06:37,313
You know, we got the same momma
but different daddies,
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00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:40,608
and my daddy actually comes
and takes me to the park
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and sends child support,
149
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:45,113
and that nigga's daddy
just leave him on the stoop,
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00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:47,365
so he hates me. It-- We had
that kinda relationship.
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00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:50,868
So, out of nowhere I hear...
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00:06:50,868 --> 00:06:53,287
(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"...What the fuck you trying
to do with that pussy?"
153
00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:57,208
He goes, "Get the fuck
outta here, nigga.
154
00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:59,418
She don't wanna be with you.
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00:06:59,418 --> 00:07:01,712
You only got
two fucking dick hairs."
156
00:07:01,712 --> 00:07:05,091
(LAUGHTER)
157
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:08,302
"You ain't never seen
a pussy before.
158
00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:10,513
Last pussy you seen
was your momma's, 12 years ago."
159
00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:15,560
He grabs the girl's hand
and he goes, "Come on."
160
00:07:16,185 --> 00:07:17,395
He walks off.
161
00:07:18,604 --> 00:07:19,313
He looks back and he goes...
162
00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:20,398
(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"...Nigga,
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00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:24,443
she don't wanna be
with no Pedestrian Number Two."
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00:07:24,443 --> 00:07:26,112
(AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIMING)
165
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,865
"She's about to fuck
the rib man."
166
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:34,036
And he walked off
with what could've been my wife.
167
00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:36,956
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw!
- I was so sad, y'all.
168
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:38,541
A tear welled up in my eye,
and one rolled down my cheek
169
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:43,087
like that tear that Denzel had
in the movie Glory.
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00:07:43,087 --> 00:07:45,548
(LAUGHTER)
171
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:49,552
And I was so heartbroken, man.
But it kept going.
172
00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:52,889
Fast forward to,
now I'm 19 years old,
173
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:54,807
doing stand-up comedy
in Los Angeles
174
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,184
at the Laugh Factory.
175
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:58,895
It's probably my tenth time
doing stand-up.
176
00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:00,438
Let me tell you something
about this art form.
177
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:02,440
This is the hardest shit
anybody wants to do.
178
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:06,235
This is a very hard art form,
and you know why?
179
00:08:06,235 --> 00:08:08,154
Because you evil
drunk motherfuckers
180
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,406
love to see a nigga bomb.
181
00:08:10,406 --> 00:08:12,241
Y'all ain't shit,
you came here to see me bomb.
182
00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:14,243
I know. I know, nigga.
183
00:08:14,243 --> 00:08:15,912
That's why New York niggas
went to see T.I.,
184
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,622
they wanted to see
this nigga bomb.
185
00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:20,458
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
- You evil motherfuckers.
186
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:27,006
So I'm doing stand-up comedy
at the Laugh Factory.
187
00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:28,716
And it's funny because
because when you're a young
188
00:08:28,716 --> 00:08:29,842
stand-up comic, right,
189
00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:32,386
you write all these jokes
and-- and you perform them.
190
00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:34,639
Every joke you tell,
you give it your all.
191
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:37,433
Like you put all your forthright
and gusto into it,
192
00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:39,393
and you wait to be loved
by the audience,
193
00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:42,104
you wait for y'all response.
You be like... (LAUGHS)
194
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:47,693
(LAUGHTER)
195
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:52,531
- "Love me."
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes.
196
00:08:52,531 --> 00:08:55,743
And when a joke don't land,
every young comedian
197
00:08:55,743 --> 00:08:57,578
will grab the microphone stand,
198
00:08:57,578 --> 00:08:59,247
and he'll grab it
like a security blanket.
199
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:01,457
And he'll look down at the floor
200
00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:03,501
because he forgot
his entire set. (SIGHS)
201
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:07,046
And he'll nervously say,
"Um..." (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
202
00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:11,634
- "...what else is funny?"
- (LAUGHTER)
203
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:12,802
Well, I made the mistake
204
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,762
of saying that shit
at the Laugh Factory
205
00:09:14,762 --> 00:09:17,557
when I was 19 years old
and all I hear is...
206
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,183
(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"...I don't know, nigga."
207
00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:20,601
(LAUGHTER)
208
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:23,813
"You supposed to be
the fucking comedian.
209
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:27,608
Why don't you tell us
what the fuck is funny, nigga?"
210
00:09:27,608 --> 00:09:29,318
(LAUGHTER)
211
00:09:29,318 --> 00:09:30,861
I look at the crowd,
and all I see
212
00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:32,947
is this Black skin
and these two yellow eyes
213
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:35,116
- walking toward me.
- (LAUGHTER)
214
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,618
I-- I didn't know what it was.
I thought it was a Coca-Cola
215
00:09:37,618 --> 00:09:40,413
- with two lemons coming my way.
- (LAUGHTER)
216
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,832
And I said, "Who's that?"
And out of nowhere he goes...
217
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:45,501
(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"It's somebody a whole lot
funnier than you, nigga.
218
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:48,170
I'll tell you that much,
motherfucker."
219
00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:51,674
He finally comes to the light,
and who is it?
220
00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,884
- AUDIENCE: Chris Rock.
- Fucking Chris Rock,
221
00:09:53,884 --> 00:09:56,846
my evil older stepbrother
in comedy.
222
00:09:56,846 --> 00:10:00,558
And this is Chris Rock
after I'm Gonna Git You Sucka,
223
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:04,520
after New Jack City,
after his special Big Ass Jokes,
224
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:08,024
right before he performed
Bring the Pain,
225
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:10,693
which catapulted him
into greatness.
226
00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:13,904
This man sat there
at the front of the stage
227
00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:17,533
and heckled me my entire set.
228
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:19,452
(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"Come on, nigga.
Where the jokes at?"
229
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,369
(LAUGHTER)
230
00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:21,078
"I thought you were
supposed to be a Wayans.
231
00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:23,497
Which one are you? Pedo?"
232
00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:26,208
(LAUGHTER)
233
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:30,004
- "Oh, that's right, you Marlon."
- (LAUGHTER)
234
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:32,631
Nigga sat there
and literally demolished me.
235
00:10:35,217 --> 00:10:37,803
- I bombed that night.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw!
236
00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:40,014
- I quit stand-up.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: No!
237
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:42,683
I swear to God, I quit
stand-up comedy for 20 years,
238
00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:45,853
I was that broken.
I was humiliated,
239
00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:48,647
I didn't feel funny and I--
I was like, "Yo, fuck comedy.
240
00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:50,983
I'm just gonna write movies
and do TV,
241
00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:54,653
- I don't need stand-up."
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
242
00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:57,239
Don't clap,
I was a bitch-ass nigga,
243
00:10:57,239 --> 00:11:00,534
- I quit comedy.
- (LAUGHTER)
244
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:03,120
I was hurt, man,
I was really hurt.
245
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,747
I called my brothers up,
I was like,
246
00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:06,665
I was like, "Damon...
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
247
00:11:06,665 --> 00:11:08,959
...Chris Rock heckled me
at the club."
248
00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:11,587
He said... (IMITATES DAMON)
"...Well, nigga,
you probably wasn't funny."
249
00:11:11,587 --> 00:11:13,673
(LAUGHTER)
250
00:11:14,256 --> 00:11:15,508
I prayed on it, man.
251
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,427
I was like, "God,
I wanna kill him.
252
00:11:18,427 --> 00:11:19,845
God, give me the strength."
253
00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:24,016
And God was like, "No, son.
Vengeance is mine."
254
00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:28,104
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
255
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:29,939
Fast forward
to March 27th, 2022...
256
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:32,775
(APPLAUSE)
257
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:36,779
...approximately 10:32 p.m.
Eastern Standard Time,
258
00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:40,658
which is 7:32 Pacific,
259
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:42,701
when funny little Chris Rock
260
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:44,453
cracked a joke
on Jada Pinkett Smith
261
00:11:44,453 --> 00:11:48,624
and Will Smith
mysteriously got up...
262
00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:51,502
- (LAUGHTER)
- ...and slapped the shit...
263
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:55,172
out of one of the greatest
comedians that ever lived.
264
00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:57,800
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
265
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,761
And everybody was like,
"Why, why would he do that?"
266
00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:02,471
Well, it had nothing to do
with Chris,
267
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:03,305
nothing to do with Will,
nothing to do with Jada.
268
00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:06,475
I told you, motherfuckers.
269
00:12:06,475 --> 00:12:08,936
God loves me!
270
00:12:08,936 --> 00:12:14,650
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
271
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:21,157
Oh, did you hear
what that slap said?
272
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,491
Oh, that was a hard slap.
That was--
273
00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:26,662
That slap had
three slaps in one slap.
274
00:12:26,662 --> 00:12:29,665
Only God could put
a slap together like that.
275
00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:32,168
That slap said,
"This is for taking
276
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:34,420
- Marlon's part."
- (CHEERING)
277
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:35,838
"For taking his girl...
278
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,967
and for humiliating him,
you skinny mother--"
279
00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:42,428
- (LAUGHTER)
- AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Yeah! (CHUCKLES)
280
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:46,849
Oh, I laughed that day, boy.
Ooh, I had a little... (LAUGHS)
281
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:50,311
- (LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS)
282
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,813
I love Chris, but goddamn,
that shit was funny.
283
00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:57,151
Because Will, the smack,
he didn't see that shit coming?
284
00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:59,862
Like, Will--
'cause Will wound up so much,
285
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:01,530
his body like a cartoon,
286
00:13:01,530 --> 00:13:05,784
- it went around itself. (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHTER)
287
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:11,707
Like a windy toy. (LAUGHS)
288
00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:14,210
Like, his hand swept
through America.
289
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,962
It went through the--
the... (LAUGHS)
290
00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:19,089
...the valleys of California,
291
00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:21,467
through the mountains
of Montana,
292
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,720
the lakes of Michigan,
the winds of Chicago,
293
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:29,725
came down to Atlanta,
touched all the Black kids
294
00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:32,811
selling water
or trying to rob your ass,
295
00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:37,858
- And then--
- (LAUGHTER)
296
00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:40,986
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- (LAUGHS)
297
00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:50,079
Yo-- (LAUGHS)
298
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:52,456
You know what's fucked up...
(LAUGHS)
299
00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:53,332
...is the follow-through.
That nigga--
300
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:55,918
Will meant that shit.
301
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:58,045
That nigga followed through
like a golfer.
302
00:13:58,045 --> 00:14:00,589
You know what I mean? Anyway--
303
00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:03,801
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
- AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Going, going, going, going...
304
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:19,316
(LAUGHS) You know
what's fucked up?
305
00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:21,110
He slapped Chris so hard,
306
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,778
Chris didn't know
where the fuck he was.
307
00:14:22,778 --> 00:14:25,614
He--
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY, LAUGHS)
308
00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:29,201
- (LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS)
309
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:31,620
He slapped that nigga
into a different award show.
310
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:34,373
- (LAUGHTER)
- He slapped that motherfucker
311
00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:36,959
out... (LAUGHS) ...the Oscars
into the Grammys.
312
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,502
(LAUGHTER)
313
00:14:38,502 --> 00:14:41,088
(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"And the nominees
for best music artist
314
00:14:41,088 --> 00:14:43,924
- of the year are...
- (LAUGHTER)
315
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:46,093
...Dua Lipa." (CHUCKLES)
316
00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:51,515
(LAUGHS) Oh, shit.
317
00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:55,311
Man, I laughed that day,
I laughed that day.
318
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:58,022
I got on my back. (LAUGHS)
319
00:14:58,022 --> 00:15:00,983
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
320
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:03,652
I laughed so hard, nigga,
321
00:15:03,652 --> 00:15:06,322
I rewound that bitch...
(LAUGHS) ...I rewound--
322
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:08,282
I played that shit
so many times,
323
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:11,452
- kept playing it back--
- (LAUGHTER)
324
00:15:12,828 --> 00:15:16,707
- Pause. (SCREAMS)
- (LAUGHTER)
325
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:21,003
- In fast motion.
- (LAUGHTER)
326
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:24,173
My favorite was slow-motion.
(SLOW-MOTION GROAN)
327
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:28,260
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
328
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,888
(AUDIENCE MEMBERS
SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
329
00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:37,853
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
330
00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:50,157
(LAUGHS)
331
00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:54,578
Oh, shit, man. Oh, shit.
332
00:15:54,578 --> 00:15:57,790
Oh, man, oh! Whoo!
333
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,541
(LAUGHS) Whoo!
334
00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:02,419
(LAUGHS) Oh, shit, man.
But I laughed.
335
00:16:02,419 --> 00:16:06,924
Whoa! Shit. Oh, man.
336
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:10,094
I gotta give-- (LAUGHS)
337
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:11,762
I gotta give it
to Chris Rock though,
338
00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:16,141
- that-- His...
- (LAUGHTER)
339
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:19,520
...lack of... (LAUGHS)
...reaction was a strong--
340
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,940
- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHTER)
341
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:23,899
I think I caught a contact high
342
00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:27,653
- from your nigga's weed, listen.
- (LAUGHTER)
343
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:32,074
(LAUGHS)
344
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:34,618
I gotta give it to Chris Rock.
I gotta give it to my brother.
345
00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:37,955
His... lack of reaction
346
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:41,417
was one of the strongest
reactions I've ever seen
347
00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:43,419
a human being achieve.
348
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:46,422
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
349
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:49,258
I ain't seen a strong reaction
that strong since like Gandhi.
350
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:52,553
(LAUGHTER)
351
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,139
- Martin Luther King.
- (CHEERING)
352
00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:58,767
Evander Holyfield
when Mike Tyson bit
353
00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:01,145
that nigga's ear off
and all he did was this--
354
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:03,439
- Nig--
- (LAUGHTER)
355
00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:10,821
Because Chris Rock
single-handedly held together
356
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:13,949
the last fabric
of Black excellence
357
00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:17,911
- we had left.
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
358
00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:20,330
And that leads me to believe
one or two things
359
00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:22,624
about my brother, Chris Rock.
360
00:17:22,624 --> 00:17:24,960
Either he is
the strongest Black man
361
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:29,006
- that God ever created.
- (LAUGHTER)
362
00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:32,176
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Or?
- Or he is truly
363
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:34,303
one bitch-ass nigga
'cause this--
364
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:36,054
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
365
00:17:36,054 --> 00:17:38,807
(LAUGHS) Nigga didn't even--
He didn't even act
366
00:17:38,807 --> 00:17:40,142
like he was gonna hit him back.
He didn't do none of this.
367
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:43,187
You know what I mean?
He didn't put his hands up.
368
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:46,273
I ain't see
his little claws curl up.
369
00:17:46,273 --> 00:17:47,149
That nigga just took it.
370
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:51,153
And then complimented Will
on the slap.
371
00:17:51,153 --> 00:17:54,239
(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"I can't believe Will Smith
just slapped me at the Oscars."
372
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:55,157
(LAUGHTER)
373
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:58,160
"This is the best moment
in Oscar history.
374
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:03,207
I'm never gonna wash
my cheek again." (LAUGHS)
375
00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:07,044
The real punk shit was
Will screaming from his chair.
376
00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:08,003
(IMITATES WILL SMITH)
"Keep my wife's name
377
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:10,506
- out your motherfucking mouth."
- (LAUGHTER)
378
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:14,051
And this nigga, Chris, said...
(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK)
"...That's a good idea."
379
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,886
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
380
00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:23,977
(LAUGHS) I was like--
381
00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:25,521
That's when
I wanted to jump in.
382
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,940
I was like, "No,
enough of this shit, nigga."
383
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,692
(LAUGHTER)
384
00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:33,529
First of all,
Will, you too damn big
385
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:35,114
to be hitting little Chris Rock.
386
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:38,075
You know better.
Come on, Chris-- Chris...
387
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:40,369
I can see
if Jada slapped Chris Rock,
388
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,037
that's a fair fight.
389
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:43,914
But, Will, come on,
you are an action hero.
390
00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,041
This man played Ali,
lifting weights.
391
00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:49,878
He knows how to box.
I've seen him in I Am Legend,
392
00:18:49,878 --> 00:18:53,882
doing backward pull-ups
and lifting weights. Come on.
393
00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:56,844
Chris Rock has been stereotyped
as a crack head
394
00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:59,096
in 96.5 percent
of all his movies.
395
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:02,182
It's like that's
the first person
396
00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:04,393
they think about,
like word association.
397
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:07,938
- Crack head, Rock.
- (LAUGHTER)
398
00:19:10,148 --> 00:19:12,109
Like the heaviest thing
Chris Rock ever lifted
399
00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:15,362
in a movie... (CHUCKLES)
...was the crack pipe
400
00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:17,614
in New Jack City.
401
00:19:17,614 --> 00:19:19,408
And the nigga
struggled with that.
402
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,159
(LAUGHTER)
403
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,333
(CHUCKLES)
404
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,296
(AUDIENCE MEMBERS
CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
405
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:34,590
G.I. Jane wasn't worth
slapping Chris Rock over.
406
00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:36,717
It was a compliment.
407
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:40,178
Now,
if he would've called her...
408
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:43,473
Gollum... (LAUGHS)
409
00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:46,518
...from Lord of the Rings,
you know what I mean?
410
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:48,270
(LAUGHTER)
411
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:51,607
(HISSES)
412
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:54,610
(IMITATES GOLLUM) "My precious."
413
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:55,944
Then you could slap the shit
out that man.
414
00:19:55,944 --> 00:19:59,489
- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, shit, man. Oh, man.
415
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:02,284
Whoo! (EXHALES)
416
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:08,290
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
417
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,542
- (MARLON CHUCKLING)
- (AUDIENCE MEMBERS
CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
418
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:11,627
I've known...
419
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:17,633
Jada Pinkett Smith
since I was 18, 19 years old.
420
00:20:18,842 --> 00:20:21,094
I met her backstage
at In Living Color,
421
00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:23,013
my brother's TV show
in the '90s.
422
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:27,809
(CHEERING)
423
00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:31,104
And I walked
in his dressing room
424
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:32,230
and I saw her.
425
00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:37,945
I saw Jada
and I was immediately smitten.
426
00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:40,238
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw!
- Like, this woman was so smart,
427
00:20:40,238 --> 00:20:42,991
so knowledgeable,
so multi-talented.
428
00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:44,660
She could sing. She could dance.
She could rap.
429
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,536
She could write poetry.
430
00:20:46,536 --> 00:20:48,872
You know, people say I've lived
five, six, seven times.
431
00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:50,415
She's been here five times
432
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:52,376
and she probably lived
to the ripe age
433
00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:54,628
of 127 each time.
434
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:58,215
Jada Pinkett is Cleopatra.
She is Joan of Arc.
435
00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:03,595
She is Helen Martin from 227.
This woman...
436
00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:05,180
(LAUGHTER)
437
00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:08,684
And when I saw her,
like I seen that face
438
00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:11,770
and I immediately was like,
"Oh, my God,
439
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:16,483
this is the most beautiful
little boy I've ever seen."
440
00:21:16,483 --> 00:21:19,403
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
441
00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:25,158
No, 'cause... (LAUGHS)
...she ain't got no body.
442
00:21:25,158 --> 00:21:27,452
Y'all know this woman.
She ain't got no body.
443
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:29,162
She ain't got no titties.
She got nipples,
444
00:21:29,162 --> 00:21:32,207
- but she ain't got no titty.
- (LAUGHTER)
445
00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:34,167
(CHUCKLES) You know what I mean?
She ain't got no ass.
446
00:21:34,167 --> 00:21:37,004
She got a crack and a hole.
We know she shits.
447
00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:38,547
But I don't know
how she sit down.
448
00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:42,467
She must keep sliding
'til she hit the hook
on her head.
449
00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:44,302
It's like,
"All right, right there's good."
450
00:21:44,302 --> 00:21:46,388
(LAUGHTER)
451
00:21:48,890 --> 00:21:50,142
And I immediately got
her number
452
00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:53,687
and me and Jada became like...
best friends.
453
00:21:53,687 --> 00:21:55,355
Like, I moved out to California.
454
00:21:55,355 --> 00:21:57,107
She lived a couple of minutes
from me,
455
00:21:57,107 --> 00:21:58,066
and I spent the night
at her house.
456
00:21:58,066 --> 00:22:00,402
She would stay a night
at my house.
457
00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,946
We'd just hang out
like two innocent little kids.
458
00:22:02,946 --> 00:22:04,740
And this woman was so smart.
459
00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:06,575
She used to teach me
about love.
460
00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:08,994
She had power words
and descriptions of love.
461
00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:11,288
When she was 19,
she was telling me shit like,
462
00:22:11,288 --> 00:22:14,624
- "Love is acceptance."
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah, it is.
463
00:22:14,624 --> 00:22:17,961
- "Love is unconditional."
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: It is!
464
00:22:17,961 --> 00:22:20,756
"Love has no expectations
465
00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:23,091
because then
you will be disappointed.
466
00:22:23,091 --> 00:22:29,097
Love involves devastation.
Love is forgiving.
467
00:22:29,097 --> 00:22:31,308
And real love is healing."
468
00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:32,601
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
469
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:35,228
Do you know how hard
my little 19-year-old dick was
470
00:22:35,228 --> 00:22:38,190
- hearing these big power words?
- (LAUGHTER)
471
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:40,942
But I never told Jada
I had a crush on her.
472
00:22:40,942 --> 00:22:43,445
I never did. I just--
I was always like,
473
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:44,362
you know, I used to play
her little songs
474
00:22:44,362 --> 00:22:47,157
with, like, little--
little hints in them.
475
00:22:47,157 --> 00:22:48,283
I remember one time
I played her Stevie Wonder's
476
00:22:49,868 --> 00:22:52,037
"Too Shy to Say."
477
00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:55,290
And then she played me back
En Vogue's "Never Gonna Get It."
478
00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:57,501
(LAUGHTER)
479
00:22:57,501 --> 00:22:59,503
We just became
best friends, man.
480
00:22:59,503 --> 00:23:01,463
And I hung out with her
so much, she used to--
481
00:23:01,463 --> 00:23:04,132
We used to write poetry
and we'd share the poetry.
482
00:23:04,132 --> 00:23:07,677
Her shit was so like--
She had similes and metaphors
483
00:23:07,677 --> 00:23:10,806
and shit that public school
didn't teach you. I was like--
484
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:11,556
And me, my shit was basic.
485
00:23:11,556 --> 00:23:13,934
I was like,
"I think you pretty.
486
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:18,438
- Can I suck your titty?"
- (LAUGHTER)
487
00:23:18,438 --> 00:23:21,149
- "I know it's itty-bitty."
- (LAUGHTER)
488
00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:24,903
- "But that will be litty."
- (LAUGHTER)
489
00:23:26,196 --> 00:23:27,948
I was like-- (LAUGHS)
It was funny, like--
490
00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:29,241
like, we hung out so much
491
00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:31,034
and she felt
so comfortable with me,
492
00:23:31,034 --> 00:23:32,869
like I became
like her gay friend.
493
00:23:32,869 --> 00:23:34,121
- You know what I mean?
- AUDIENCE: Aw!
494
00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:35,163
Like the gay best friend.
495
00:23:35,163 --> 00:23:38,250
I don't trust gay friends
with the pretty girls.
496
00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:39,334
Y'all niggas ain't gay.
497
00:23:39,334 --> 00:23:42,587
You are undercover straight.
You lying motherfuckers.
498
00:23:42,587 --> 00:23:43,338
'Cause I played that part.
I was like,
499
00:23:43,338 --> 00:23:44,756
"Bitch, let me see
your clitoris."
500
00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:46,550
(LAUGHTER)
501
00:23:46,550 --> 00:23:51,179
"Oh, girl, you gonna wear it
in the hood or out?
502
00:23:51,179 --> 00:23:54,766
Oh, look at that shit. Gangster!
Your clitoris gangster."
503
00:23:54,766 --> 00:23:57,769
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
504
00:23:57,769 --> 00:23:59,813
(AUDIENCE MEMBERS
SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
505
00:23:59,813 --> 00:24:04,484
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
506
00:24:05,652 --> 00:24:06,945
(CHUCKLES)
507
00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:09,698
"Girl, can you teach me
how to suck dick on my dick?
508
00:24:09,698 --> 00:24:11,032
- Come here."
- (LAUGHTER)
509
00:24:11,032 --> 00:24:13,785
"Ooh, is that how you do it?
510
00:24:15,370 --> 00:24:19,332
Get off me.
Oh, that's nasty, bitch."
511
00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:22,419
- (CHUCKLES)
- (LAUGHTER)
512
00:24:24,171 --> 00:24:25,422
I love me some Jada, man.
513
00:24:28,592 --> 00:24:30,719
And then one day
Jada called me up
514
00:24:30,719 --> 00:24:33,388
and she said, "Marlon,
come through, nigga,
515
00:24:33,388 --> 00:24:34,139
we about to take
this relationship
516
00:24:34,139 --> 00:24:36,933
to a whole 'nother level."
517
00:24:36,933 --> 00:24:37,726
And in my head, I was like,
518
00:24:37,726 --> 00:24:40,437
"Oh my God.
Jada's gonna fuck me."
519
00:24:40,437 --> 00:24:42,105
I drove over
to her house so fast.
520
00:24:42,105 --> 00:24:43,648
(IMITATES TIRES SCREECHING)
521
00:24:43,648 --> 00:24:45,150
She goes, "Marlon,
I wanna introduce you
522
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:46,234
to someone special."
523
00:24:46,234 --> 00:24:49,029
I was like,
"Oh, she's gonna fuck me
524
00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:51,364
- with a friend." (CHUCKLES)
- (LAUGHTER)
525
00:24:51,364 --> 00:24:54,409
I said, "Where she at?
Where she at?"
526
00:24:54,409 --> 00:24:55,452
"Right here."
527
00:24:55,452 --> 00:24:59,873
And I look on the couch
and who's sitting there...
528
00:25:00,999 --> 00:25:03,084
but the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
529
00:25:03,084 --> 00:25:06,421
- (AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIMING)
- Oh, I was so mad. I was hating.
530
00:25:06,421 --> 00:25:11,259
'Cause Will has always been
a grown-ass man.
531
00:25:11,259 --> 00:25:13,929
This-- I don't think this nigga
ever went through puberty.
532
00:25:13,929 --> 00:25:16,097
He was born with a chest
and a mustache.
533
00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:19,851
This nigga has literally been
a handsome man. Like me,
534
00:25:19,851 --> 00:25:22,729
I-- I just went through puberty
probably two years ago.
535
00:25:23,813 --> 00:25:25,982
And he was sitting there
just looking like
536
00:25:25,982 --> 00:25:27,901
fucking the Prince Charming.
537
00:25:27,901 --> 00:25:29,069
And he was sitting there
and he was laughing.
538
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:30,779
You know that-- you know Will
with that phony-ass laugh?
539
00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:33,782
You know how-- You know how--
(IMITATES WILL SMITH LAUGHING)
540
00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:36,826
(LAUGHTER)
541
00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:41,665
(IMITATES WILL SMITH LAUGHING)
542
00:25:41,665 --> 00:25:42,540
And Jada, she's just laughing.
543
00:25:42,540 --> 00:25:43,708
(IMITATES JADA PINKETT SMITH
LAUGHING)
544
00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:48,713
With her little frog legs,
just dancing all over his lap.
545
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,924
And he would laugh
and they would kiss, "Baby."
546
00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:52,509
(IMITATES WILL SMITH LAUGHING)
And he would tongue her down
547
00:25:52,509 --> 00:25:55,845
and then give me
that mean-ass Will Smith smirk.
548
00:25:55,845 --> 00:25:59,516
- (IMITATES WILL SMITH KISSING)
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
549
00:26:03,770 --> 00:26:05,897
That nigga knew
what he was doing.
550
00:26:05,897 --> 00:26:09,526
Yeah, I had a crush on her.
And that motherfucker knew.
551
00:26:10,652 --> 00:26:11,653
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Holy shit.
552
00:26:11,653 --> 00:26:14,322
I remember leaving that house
that day heartbroken.
553
00:26:16,241 --> 00:26:16,700
And I learned that love...
554
00:26:18,785 --> 00:26:20,578
is learning to let go.
555
00:26:20,578 --> 00:26:23,790
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
556
00:26:23,790 --> 00:26:25,834
Because I'm gonna be
100 percent honest with you,
557
00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:28,753
what they had,
their connection...
558
00:26:30,213 --> 00:26:32,257
that's some shit
you see in the movies,
559
00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:32,924
like in those romantic comedies
where you go,
560
00:26:32,924 --> 00:26:35,802
"Aw. Yeah."
561
00:26:36,469 --> 00:26:38,555
That man was her prince.
562
00:26:39,431 --> 00:26:41,850
And I couldn't compete
with that.
563
00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:44,311
They had this connection, man.
Their spirits were dancing.
564
00:26:44,311 --> 00:26:46,646
And they would go on
to get married
565
00:26:46,646 --> 00:26:50,525
and to be an example
for all us Black people.
566
00:26:50,525 --> 00:26:52,235
You know, we all look
to those couples.
567
00:26:52,235 --> 00:26:53,403
That shit's important for us
as a race.
568
00:26:53,403 --> 00:26:55,864
To be able to build
those couples
569
00:26:55,864 --> 00:26:57,782
that stick it through
no matter what.
570
00:26:57,782 --> 00:26:59,951
You know what I mean?
Not just on TV shows,
571
00:26:59,951 --> 00:27:02,120
- but in real fucking life.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
572
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:03,538
The Barack and the Michelles,
573
00:27:03,538 --> 00:27:05,874
- the Jay-Z, Beyonce.
- (CHEERING)
574
00:27:05,874 --> 00:27:07,375
You know what I mean?
The Will and Jada.
575
00:27:07,375 --> 00:27:09,044
That shit mean something to us.
576
00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:10,837
And I-- I gotta respect that.
577
00:27:10,837 --> 00:27:13,214
She would help him
amount a fortune
578
00:27:13,214 --> 00:27:16,384
of damn near a couple
of hundred million dollars.
579
00:27:16,384 --> 00:27:19,387
They made
these two beautiful children.
580
00:27:19,387 --> 00:27:23,558
I don't know what planet
them niggas is from.
581
00:27:23,558 --> 00:27:25,727
(LAUGHTER)
582
00:27:25,727 --> 00:27:27,437
But, you know what I mean?
They are special.
583
00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:29,898
Them little-- I don't know
what gender they are,
584
00:27:29,898 --> 00:27:33,234
like them gender neutral,
race unspecific.
585
00:27:33,234 --> 00:27:34,611
I don't know
if they're Puerto Rican, Black.
586
00:27:34,611 --> 00:27:36,154
I don't know
if the boy is the girl
587
00:27:36,154 --> 00:27:38,156
and the girl is the boy.
I don't fucking know.
588
00:27:38,156 --> 00:27:40,241
- (LAUGHTER)
- All I know is
589
00:27:40,241 --> 00:27:42,535
that they don't speak
like normal people.
590
00:27:42,535 --> 00:27:45,580
They are brilliant,
brilliant beyond their years.
591
00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:48,541
These niggas was born
in the matrix or the metaverse.
592
00:27:48,541 --> 00:27:50,960
These are not children,
they are avatars.
593
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:53,671
(LAUGHTER)
594
00:27:53,671 --> 00:28:00,011
But those little kids...
are special.
595
00:28:00,011 --> 00:28:01,846
And I know why,
because their mom is special,
596
00:28:01,846 --> 00:28:04,682
their dad is special.
And I had to honor that.
597
00:28:04,682 --> 00:28:06,810
And for years, I'd be hurt,
you know what I'm saying?
598
00:28:06,810 --> 00:28:11,856
- I'm 50 years old now.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
599
00:28:11,856 --> 00:28:13,858
Single,
still ain't found my queen.
600
00:28:15,693 --> 00:28:16,611
And I sit there
and I'm like, "Damn."
601
00:28:18,613 --> 00:28:19,572
I'm like, "Damn, maybe--
602
00:28:19,572 --> 00:28:21,825
maybe that was the one
that got away."
603
00:28:21,825 --> 00:28:24,911
And I asked God, I'm like,
"God, show me a sign...
604
00:28:26,788 --> 00:28:28,706
that that woman wasn't for me."
605
00:28:28,706 --> 00:28:32,127
(LAUGHTER)
606
00:28:32,127 --> 00:28:37,048
Then on March 27th, 2022,
approximately... (CHUCKLES)
607
00:28:37,048 --> 00:28:40,009
...10:32 p.m.
Eastern Standard Time,
608
00:28:40,009 --> 00:28:42,470
which is 7:32 Pacific...
609
00:28:43,596 --> 00:28:46,933
God showed me that
that wasn't the woman for me.
610
00:28:46,933 --> 00:28:49,811
- (LAUGHTER)
- Because my woman...
611
00:28:49,811 --> 00:28:53,106
if I'm worth a couple
of hundred million dollars,
612
00:28:53,106 --> 00:28:57,110
my woman ain't gonna let me do
no dumb shit like that.
613
00:28:57,110 --> 00:28:59,654
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- My woman's gonna be like,
614
00:28:59,654 --> 00:29:02,449
"Mm-mm, nigga,
don't you fuck this money up.
615
00:29:03,783 --> 00:29:05,493
Don't you fuck this money up.
616
00:29:05,493 --> 00:29:08,163
Nigga, we got a lake
in our backyard.
617
00:29:08,163 --> 00:29:09,914
I'm not about to swim
in no public pool.
618
00:29:09,914 --> 00:29:12,876
- Sit your ass down."
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
619
00:29:12,876 --> 00:29:13,793
My woman gonna
grab my leg like,
620
00:29:13,793 --> 00:29:17,714
"Please don't fuck
this money up. Please.
621
00:29:17,714 --> 00:29:21,384
No, I don't want-- Please stop.
Please. Listen,
622
00:29:21,384 --> 00:29:23,720
I don't like Coach.
I like Chanel.
623
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:24,679
I know I pronounce it Channel,
624
00:29:24,679 --> 00:29:27,348
but nigga,
don't you fuck this money up."
625
00:29:27,348 --> 00:29:29,684
(LAUGHTER)
626
00:29:29,684 --> 00:29:31,186
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Sit your ass down!
627
00:29:31,186 --> 00:29:33,104
(MARLON CHUCKLES)
628
00:29:33,104 --> 00:29:36,065
Oh, man. Because ladies,
there's a point
629
00:29:36,065 --> 00:29:39,152
where you gotta stop your man
from doing dumb shit.
630
00:29:39,152 --> 00:29:42,322
That man's worked
50-some-odd years of his life
631
00:29:42,780 --> 00:29:44,616
for that moment.
632
00:29:44,616 --> 00:29:47,160
Do you know what an Oscar award
is to a Black actor?
633
00:29:48,286 --> 00:29:50,538
In 94 years
of the Academy Awards,
634
00:29:50,538 --> 00:29:53,708
there have only been
four Black men,
635
00:29:53,708 --> 00:29:56,002
four Black men to ever win
636
00:29:56,002 --> 00:29:57,629
- Best Actor.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, wow.
637
00:29:57,629 --> 00:29:59,672
And Denzel won that shit twice.
638
00:29:59,672 --> 00:30:03,885
- So, really three niggas.
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
639
00:30:03,885 --> 00:30:06,221
So in that moment, sis,
640
00:30:06,221 --> 00:30:08,264
I need you
to grab your man's hand
641
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,143
and go, "Mm-mm, baby. Mm-mm.
Don't you do this for me.
642
00:30:13,311 --> 00:30:17,106
This is your moment.
Not today. Not today.
643
00:30:18,525 --> 00:30:21,069
But Thursday, we whooping
that little skinny nigga's ass."
644
00:30:21,069 --> 00:30:23,738
(LAUGHTER)
645
00:30:23,738 --> 00:30:24,614
I don't-- I don't know
what happened to Will.
646
00:30:24,614 --> 00:30:28,034
It looked like
he was enjoying the joke.
647
00:30:28,034 --> 00:30:29,577
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Right.
- Right? He went--
648
00:30:29,577 --> 00:30:31,120
He cracked a joke,
Will was laughing
649
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:33,414
that phony-ass laugh.
(IMITATES WILL SMITH LAUGHING)
650
00:30:33,414 --> 00:30:39,128
- (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
- (LAUGHTER)
651
00:30:39,128 --> 00:30:42,966
And Jada rolled her eyes up
in her head like, "You nigga."
652
00:30:42,966 --> 00:30:44,175
And he went,
"Yeah, that shit ain't funny."
653
00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:47,637
(LAUGHTER)
654
00:30:47,637 --> 00:30:50,390
I think she put a spell
on that nigga there.
655
00:30:50,390 --> 00:30:52,100
She had
a Men in Black voodoo doll
656
00:30:52,100 --> 00:30:53,851
- underneath her chair...
- (LAUGHTER)
657
00:30:53,851 --> 00:30:55,562
...'cause that motherfucker,
out of nowhere,
658
00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:56,813
he just changed
his whole shit up.
659
00:30:56,813 --> 00:30:59,023
So, we saw her roll her eyes
up in her head,
660
00:30:59,023 --> 00:31:02,110
but that ain't what she did,
she put a spell on him.
661
00:31:02,110 --> 00:31:07,073
- She went...
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)
- (LAUGHTER)
662
00:31:07,073 --> 00:31:10,952
And the ghost
of Tupac Shakur possessed
663
00:31:10,952 --> 00:31:12,954
Will Smith's body,
and then he said...
664
00:31:12,954 --> 00:31:14,455
(IMITATES WILL SMITH)
"Nigga, west side."
665
00:31:14,455 --> 00:31:17,917
(LAUGHTER)
666
00:31:17,917 --> 00:31:19,711
Even the way that nigga walked
back to his seat,
667
00:31:19,711 --> 00:31:21,045
that wasn't Will's walk.
668
00:31:21,045 --> 00:31:23,548
Nigga, that was
Tupac's walk, nigga.
669
00:31:23,548 --> 00:31:24,799
I know that
duck-leg walk, nigga.
670
00:31:26,926 --> 00:31:29,053
That duck-leg walk, that's--
I worked with Tupac,
671
00:31:29,053 --> 00:31:31,139
that is Birdie
from Above the Rim.
672
00:31:31,139 --> 00:31:34,934
- Nigga got out of the range...
- (LAUGHTER)
673
00:31:34,934 --> 00:31:36,811
That is Bishop
from Juice, nigga.
674
00:31:36,811 --> 00:31:40,523
- I know that duck-leg walk.
- (LAUGHTER)
675
00:31:40,523 --> 00:31:43,192
Look at even the way
he was screaming from his seat
676
00:31:43,192 --> 00:31:44,861
all ignorant and shit.
677
00:31:44,861 --> 00:31:47,238
Like Tupac
on one of his diss records,
678
00:31:47,238 --> 00:31:51,075
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
679
00:31:51,075 --> 00:31:52,619
That shit sound like...
680
00:31:52,619 --> 00:31:55,079
♪ First off, East Side
Fuck the clique you claim ♪
681
00:31:55,079 --> 00:31:57,665
(LAUGHTER)
682
00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:09,510
You know what? Like when
that shit happened, man,
683
00:32:09,510 --> 00:32:11,220
the reason why I'm doing like
a set about it,
684
00:32:12,221 --> 00:32:12,972
is because our thing
in stand-up, man,
685
00:32:12,972 --> 00:32:14,974
it gotta come
from something personal.
686
00:32:14,974 --> 00:32:16,100
And that shit
was personal to me
687
00:32:16,100 --> 00:32:18,770
because I know the three
of them so well.
688
00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:20,980
And I was hurt
when I saw that happen
689
00:32:20,980 --> 00:32:22,899
because I love
all the parties involved.
690
00:32:23,775 --> 00:32:25,360
I'm a Black man.
691
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:27,612
I'm a Black actor,
I'm a Black comedian.
692
00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:29,572
So it felt like watching
Will slap Chris
693
00:32:29,572 --> 00:32:32,116
like I slapped myself
on that stage.
694
00:32:32,116 --> 00:32:33,409
You know,
because for Black people,
695
00:32:33,409 --> 00:32:35,995
we worked so hard to be better
696
00:32:35,995 --> 00:32:38,206
and we always wanna blame
White folks for this,
697
00:32:38,206 --> 00:32:39,332
White folks for that.
698
00:32:39,332 --> 00:32:42,543
But sometimes,
we just gotta be better, yo.
699
00:32:42,543 --> 00:32:44,837
- (APPLAUSE)
- We gotta be better.
700
00:32:45,838 --> 00:32:47,715
We was just picketing
a few years ago
701
00:32:47,715 --> 00:32:50,009
about Oscars being so White.
702
00:32:50,009 --> 00:32:51,511
And then what happens
when we had a Black producer,
703
00:32:51,511 --> 00:32:53,721
we had a Black host?
704
00:32:53,721 --> 00:32:55,932
This was a Black event
and we do this shit?
705
00:32:55,932 --> 00:32:58,476
We're gonna turn the Oscars
into the Source Awards?
706
00:32:58,476 --> 00:33:00,728
- What the fuck?
- (LAUGHTER)
707
00:33:00,728 --> 00:33:03,773
White people like, "That's why
we want them so White."
708
00:33:03,773 --> 00:33:06,234
(LAUGHTER)
709
00:33:06,234 --> 00:33:08,861
And I went out that night, man.
I went out on Oscar night.
710
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:10,947
I went out.
711
00:33:10,947 --> 00:33:12,907
And you know what,
I'll give it to White folks,
712
00:33:12,907 --> 00:33:14,867
this is the first time
in the history,
713
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:16,911
y'all niggas mind
y'all business.
714
00:33:16,911 --> 00:33:19,747
White people didn't know
what the fuck to say
715
00:33:19,747 --> 00:33:21,582
- about this shit. I'm serious.
- (LAUGHTER)
716
00:33:21,582 --> 00:33:23,960
I went to the Oscar parties,
White folks was like...
717
00:33:24,627 --> 00:33:28,965
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
718
00:33:43,229 --> 00:33:45,314
"What are your thoughts?
I'm just curious,
what are you thinking?"
719
00:33:46,691 --> 00:33:49,902
They had no fucking idea
what happened.
720
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:51,779
And I was depressed.
Because you know what?
721
00:33:51,779 --> 00:33:53,114
There's two things,
Black people,
722
00:33:53,114 --> 00:33:55,158
we can't do in front
of White folks.
723
00:33:55,158 --> 00:33:58,327
One, is fight each other
in public spaces.
724
00:33:58,327 --> 00:34:00,955
(CHEERING)
725
00:34:00,955 --> 00:34:04,459
Two, eat watermelon.
I know that shit's delicious.
726
00:34:04,459 --> 00:34:08,629
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
- It's yummy, I love it.
727
00:34:08,629 --> 00:34:11,132
I love it. But, nigga,
grab the melon at the barbecue
728
00:34:11,132 --> 00:34:13,050
and go over to the side
and eat that shit.
729
00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:16,262
Swallow the seeds,
don't leave no proof.
730
00:34:16,262 --> 00:34:18,431
"Oh, look. I see
they were eating the melon."
731
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:22,185
It's a trick.
It's cheese in a trap, nigga.
732
00:34:22,185 --> 00:34:23,728
And then, Black people
wanna eat it all down
733
00:34:23,728 --> 00:34:24,687
to the white part.
734
00:34:24,687 --> 00:34:27,023
Leave some fucking pink
on that bitch, please.
735
00:34:27,023 --> 00:34:29,358
- (LAUGHTER)
- What's wrong with you?
736
00:34:29,358 --> 00:34:30,943
It's poison after that.
737
00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:34,113
But you know what?
After thinking, I was like,
738
00:34:34,113 --> 00:34:35,406
"Black folks,
we're gonna be all right.
739
00:34:35,406 --> 00:34:37,742
This ain't the first time
we've been through shit
like this."
740
00:34:37,742 --> 00:34:39,202
This-- (SMACK LIPS)
Nigga, this is what we do.
741
00:34:39,202 --> 00:34:41,996
This our rhythm. We dope enough
to fuck up and go,
742
00:34:41,996 --> 00:34:42,747
"Yeah, we'll do better
next year."
743
00:34:42,747 --> 00:34:44,999
- (LAUGHTER)
- And we will.
744
00:34:44,999 --> 00:34:46,626
And that's the shit
that makes us stronger.
745
00:34:46,626 --> 00:34:49,086
I actually,
and this is gonna sound crazy.
746
00:34:49,086 --> 00:34:51,839
I felt really bad...
for White people.
747
00:34:51,839 --> 00:34:55,885
- (LAUGHTER)
- I felt bad for White folks.
748
00:34:56,594 --> 00:34:58,221
I did. Susan.
749
00:34:59,180 --> 00:35:01,140
(LAUGHTER)
750
00:35:03,726 --> 00:35:04,852
Phil.
751
00:35:08,314 --> 00:35:10,983
- Karen.
- (LAUGHTER)
752
00:35:10,983 --> 00:35:14,779
I felt bad because Black people,
we like Will. He cool.
753
00:35:14,779 --> 00:35:15,696
You know what I mean?
754
00:35:15,696 --> 00:35:17,740
But he a little bit
too buttoned up for--
755
00:35:17,740 --> 00:35:20,535
for Black folks.
We like some danger.
756
00:35:20,535 --> 00:35:22,286
We like a little bit
of ignorance.
757
00:35:22,286 --> 00:35:24,372
We like some unpredictability.
758
00:35:24,372 --> 00:35:26,582
Like the more money you got
as a Black man,
759
00:35:26,582 --> 00:35:28,292
the more you like Will Smith.
760
00:35:28,292 --> 00:35:31,712
The real niggas,
we be like, "He cool."
761
00:35:31,712 --> 00:35:33,214
We be like,
"He ain't no Martin."
762
00:35:33,214 --> 00:35:35,299
You know what I mean? (CHUCKLES)
We love us some Martin.
763
00:35:35,299 --> 00:35:37,426
If Martin would've slapped
Chris Rock at the Oscars,
764
00:35:37,426 --> 00:35:41,472
we would be like, "That's just
Marty Mar being Marty Mar."
765
00:35:41,472 --> 00:35:44,267
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
766
00:35:45,810 --> 00:35:48,187
White people made Will Smith.
767
00:35:48,187 --> 00:35:51,357
Black people, we bootlegged
that motherfucker's movies.
768
00:35:51,357 --> 00:35:53,526
White people,
they were first in line
769
00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:55,152
because he was
the only Black man
770
00:35:55,152 --> 00:35:59,907
in the history of film
that ever saved the world.
771
00:35:59,907 --> 00:36:01,409
White males could save
the world.
772
00:36:01,409 --> 00:36:03,161
Bruce Willis could save
the world.
773
00:36:03,161 --> 00:36:05,496
Sylvester Stallone
could save the world.
774
00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:07,582
Arnold Schwarzenegger
could save the world.
775
00:36:07,582 --> 00:36:09,876
Ben Affleck can save
the world.
776
00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:13,296
Ain't no Black man could save
the world except Will Smith.
777
00:36:13,296 --> 00:36:16,924
Eddie Murphy was
the biggest star in the world,
778
00:36:16,924 --> 00:36:20,720
he never saved
the world successfully.
779
00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:22,263
No. He could save a city.
780
00:36:24,181 --> 00:36:26,267
- Metro, Beverly Hills Cop.
- (LAUGHTER)
781
00:36:26,267 --> 00:36:29,896
They never believed Eddie Murphy
could save the world.
782
00:36:29,896 --> 00:36:31,188
White folks was like, "No way.
783
00:36:31,188 --> 00:36:34,483
His nostrils are way too big
to save the world."
784
00:36:34,483 --> 00:36:36,986
- (LAUGHTER)
- "No, no, no.
785
00:36:36,986 --> 00:36:39,572
No way those nostrils
could save the world.
786
00:36:39,572 --> 00:36:42,074
Sorry, no. They look
like two black holes.
787
00:36:42,074 --> 00:36:43,492
I don't believe it.
788
00:36:43,492 --> 00:36:45,620
Will Smith with that nice,
cute Caucasian nose, sure!
789
00:36:45,620 --> 00:36:47,788
He can save the world."
790
00:36:48,581 --> 00:36:49,999
But Will Smith. Oh, my God!
791
00:36:49,999 --> 00:36:51,500
Will Smith, they didn't
even know he was Black.
792
00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:54,253
This nigga was a dark-skinned
White person to them.
793
00:36:54,253 --> 00:36:56,547
"Will Smith, I love Will Smith.
794
00:36:56,547 --> 00:36:59,967
Huh! Willard Smith,
I love Will Smith.
795
00:36:59,967 --> 00:37:02,553
That's a nice White name.
Will Smith!"
796
00:37:02,553 --> 00:37:03,638
(LAUGHTER)
797
00:37:03,638 --> 00:37:06,140
Say the name Will Smith
and watch White people smile.
798
00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:09,268
(LAUGHS) "I love Will Smith.
I love it, Will Smith."
799
00:37:09,268 --> 00:37:14,106
Oh, my God! White women,
"That is my hall pass."
800
00:37:14,106 --> 00:37:16,025
White men,
"He's my hall pass, too."
801
00:37:16,025 --> 00:37:20,780
- (LAUGHTER)
- They love Will Smith.
802
00:37:20,780 --> 00:37:24,158
"Oh, sure, Will Smith
saved the world
from aliens four times?"
803
00:37:24,158 --> 00:37:27,453
"Of course he can. He's White.
Will Smith can save the world."
804
00:37:27,453 --> 00:37:29,497
"Will Smith saved
the world from robots?"
805
00:37:29,497 --> 00:37:33,501
"Of course, Will Smith can save
the world from robots!"
806
00:37:33,501 --> 00:37:36,003
"Will Smith the last White man
in the world?"
807
00:37:36,003 --> 00:37:39,924
"Of course he is. I Am Legend.
I'm there. It's Will Smith."
808
00:37:39,924 --> 00:37:41,634
"Will Smith, a cowboy?"
809
00:37:41,634 --> 00:37:45,012
- "Sure. All Whites are cowboys."
- (LAUGHTER)
810
00:37:45,012 --> 00:37:46,847
That motherfucker
should have his own crayon
811
00:37:46,847 --> 00:37:49,350
- in the crayon box.
- (CHEERING)
812
00:37:49,350 --> 00:37:52,144
Will Smith, it look Black
and it write White.
813
00:37:52,144 --> 00:37:55,856
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
814
00:37:55,856 --> 00:37:58,859
It's true. Even his music.
815
00:37:58,859 --> 00:38:00,861
His music wasn't made
for niggas.
816
00:38:00,861 --> 00:38:02,113
(LAUGHTER)
817
00:38:02,113 --> 00:38:04,115
We don't even relate to what
the fuck he talking about.
818
00:38:04,115 --> 00:38:06,200
Nigga,
"Parents Just Don't Understand."
819
00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:09,537
That ain't for Black people.
It's confusing.
820
00:38:09,537 --> 00:38:12,123
Niggas is like,
"What you mean, parents?"
821
00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:15,918
(LAUGHTER)
822
00:38:15,918 --> 00:38:17,628
"Wait, wait, wait.
So-- so you mean
823
00:38:17,628 --> 00:38:19,380
there's two of 'em
in your household?"
824
00:38:19,380 --> 00:38:23,217
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
825
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:26,137
"And what you mean
by 'understand?'
826
00:38:26,137 --> 00:38:27,722
Like you talk to your parents?
827
00:38:27,722 --> 00:38:29,432
Pfft! All right.
828
00:38:29,432 --> 00:38:32,893
So, is this before or after
they whoop your ass?
829
00:38:32,893 --> 00:38:35,271
- 'Cause I'm confused."
- (LAUGHTER)
830
00:38:36,105 --> 00:38:37,315
It wasn't made for Black people.
831
00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:39,317
That shit was easy listening
hip-hop for niggas.
832
00:38:39,317 --> 00:38:41,569
We listen to that shit
in the elevator like, "Hmm."
833
00:38:41,569 --> 00:38:44,363
(LAUGHTER)
834
00:38:44,363 --> 00:38:46,073
Think about it.
"Gettin' Jiggy Wit It."
835
00:38:46,073 --> 00:38:49,994
Ain't a nigga in this
motherfucker got jiggy. Sorry.
836
00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:53,039
Black people didn't get jiggy.
White folks got jiggy.
837
00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:56,292
Oh, my God!
You put that shit on, click...
838
00:38:56,292 --> 00:38:59,253
♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na
Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪
839
00:38:59,253 --> 00:39:01,589
♪ Gettin' jiggy wit' it
Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪
840
00:39:01,589 --> 00:39:02,923
♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪
841
00:39:02,923 --> 00:39:04,425
♪ We're gettin' jiggy wit' it
Na-na, na ♪
842
00:39:04,425 --> 00:39:05,509
Remember, they get low.
843
00:39:05,509 --> 00:39:08,262
♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na
Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪
844
00:39:08,262 --> 00:39:09,805
♪ Gettin' jiggy wit' it
Na-na, na, na ♪
845
00:39:09,805 --> 00:39:12,266
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
846
00:39:12,266 --> 00:39:14,727
They felt Black as fuck.
"We're getting jiggy with it."
847
00:39:14,727 --> 00:39:16,562
This shit ain't nothing
but the Carlton dance
848
00:39:16,562 --> 00:39:19,273
- without the hands.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: That's right!
849
00:39:19,273 --> 00:39:20,983
Niggas did not get jiggy.
850
00:39:20,983 --> 00:39:22,318
That song came on,
niggas be like...
851
00:39:22,318 --> 00:39:26,238
♪ Nah, nah-nah
Nah, nah-nah, nah ♪
852
00:39:26,238 --> 00:39:28,115
(LAUGHTER)
853
00:39:30,868 --> 00:39:34,538
Only song that let
Black folks know
854
00:39:34,538 --> 00:39:36,791
that Will Smith was a real nigga
was "Summertime."
855
00:39:36,791 --> 00:39:40,169
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
856
00:39:40,169 --> 00:39:43,214
That song was made for niggas.
857
00:39:43,214 --> 00:39:45,299
That shit, man! That...
You know how many
858
00:39:45,299 --> 00:39:49,804
ribs was burnt
at the barbecue to "Summertime"?
859
00:39:49,804 --> 00:39:53,808
How many "Domino, bitches!"
was won to that motherfucker?
860
00:39:53,808 --> 00:39:56,560
How many shootouts capped off
during "Summertime"?
861
00:39:58,062 --> 00:40:01,982
Well, see...
On March 27th, 2022...
862
00:40:01,982 --> 00:40:04,610
- (LAUGHTER)
- ...approximately 10:32 p.m.,
863
00:40:04,610 --> 00:40:06,237
Eastern Standard Time,
864
00:40:06,237 --> 00:40:08,531
- which is 7:32...
- AUDIENCE: Pacific.
865
00:40:08,531 --> 00:40:12,118
Nigga, you said, "Specific."
God damn you, woman.
866
00:40:12,576 --> 00:40:13,536
Pacific!
867
00:40:14,912 --> 00:40:17,206
Black folks and White folks,
we was united
868
00:40:17,206 --> 00:40:20,417
'cause we had the same reaction
but different.
869
00:40:20,417 --> 00:40:21,293
White people
was watching the Oscars,
870
00:40:21,293 --> 00:40:25,172
and they was like,
"Oh, God! I love it.
871
00:40:25,172 --> 00:40:28,634
The Oscars, five hours
of telling us how great we are."
872
00:40:28,634 --> 00:40:29,969
- (INHALES)
- (LAUGHTER)
873
00:40:29,969 --> 00:40:32,680
"So true, I love it.
Oh, look at Jada.
874
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:35,182
- I like the baldy. Cute."
- (LAUGHTER)
875
00:40:35,182 --> 00:40:36,725
"Huh! Look at Willard.
(LAUGHS) I love that guy."
876
00:40:36,725 --> 00:40:39,645
(LAUGHTER)
877
00:40:39,645 --> 00:40:42,439
"Oh, Chris,
that's severely inappropriate."
878
00:40:42,439 --> 00:40:44,525
(LAUGHTER)
879
00:40:44,525 --> 00:40:47,403
"Will, what're you doing?
Get down from there.
880
00:40:47,403 --> 00:40:51,991
- Wait, Willard."
- (LAUGHTER)
881
00:40:51,991 --> 00:40:56,328
"Big Willy? Oh, God!
What in the Christ?
882
00:40:56,328 --> 00:40:59,039
That's a felony! God!
That's a fucking felony."
883
00:40:59,039 --> 00:41:00,749
(LAUGHTER)
884
00:41:00,749 --> 00:41:03,711
"Honey, get down here.
Get down here, quick.
885
00:41:03,711 --> 00:41:05,337
Wake the kids.
Have they had their supper yet?"
886
00:41:05,337 --> 00:41:07,381
- (LAUGHTER)
- "I can't believe--
887
00:41:07,381 --> 00:41:09,175
Look at this. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Look at--
888
00:41:09,175 --> 00:41:13,220
- (SHUSHES) Quiet."
- (LAUGHTER)
889
00:41:13,220 --> 00:41:16,140
"Oh, my God!" (INHALES SHARPLY)
890
00:41:16,140 --> 00:41:17,892
"Do you see--
Yes! It's a felony!
891
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:22,688
Honey, I hate to say it, but...
892
00:41:23,731 --> 00:41:27,026
(INHALES SHAKILY)
...Will Smith is a nigga."
893
00:41:27,026 --> 00:41:34,867
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
894
00:41:34,867 --> 00:41:38,913
"I can't believe it. We've been
hoodwinked, bamboozled,
895
00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:40,331
- led astray, run amok."
- (LAUGHTER)
896
00:41:40,331 --> 00:41:43,751
"You're telling me
the man in black
897
00:41:43,751 --> 00:41:45,794
is actually Black?"
898
00:41:45,794 --> 00:41:50,049
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
899
00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:53,552
And Black people... (LAUGHS)
...we was watching the awards.
900
00:41:53,552 --> 00:41:57,348
- We was like... (CLICKS TONGUE)
- (CHEERING)
901
00:41:57,348 --> 00:41:59,683
"Nigga, this shit's too long,
nigga." (BLOWS)
902
00:42:00,184 --> 00:42:01,477
(LAUGHTER)
903
00:42:03,687 --> 00:42:04,396
"Ooh, look at... (INHALES)
904
00:42:04,396 --> 00:42:07,107
...look at Jada,
I like that baldy.
905
00:42:07,107 --> 00:42:10,527
(SNIFFS, BLOWS)
I'd fuck, I'd fuck."
906
00:42:10,527 --> 00:42:13,656
- (LAUGHTER)
- (BLOWS)
907
00:42:13,656 --> 00:42:14,865
"Oh, come on, Chris,
that was corny, nigga."
908
00:42:14,865 --> 00:42:17,910
(LAUGHTER)
909
00:42:19,286 --> 00:42:21,163
"Who's this corny, nigga?
Sit your ass down. Oh, shit!
910
00:42:21,163 --> 00:42:24,833
- Oh!"
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
911
00:42:27,503 --> 00:42:32,800
"Yo! Oh! Nah, that's a sketch,
nigga. That's a sketch."
912
00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:36,553
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
913
00:42:39,431 --> 00:42:43,435
"No! No, oh! Wait, hold up,
hold up, hold up.
914
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:46,063
Oh, that nigga Chris is crying.
Nigga, that shit real."
915
00:42:46,063 --> 00:42:47,940
(LAUGHTER)
916
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:49,108
"Nigga, either I'm high
or this nigga
917
00:42:49,108 --> 00:42:52,987
Will Smith caught a contact.
Yo! Babe! Babe! Get in here!
918
00:42:52,987 --> 00:42:54,697
Wake the kids.
919
00:42:54,697 --> 00:42:58,158
Oh, they're already up?
Tell 'em to come on downstairs."
920
00:42:58,158 --> 00:43:00,452
(LAUGHTER)
921
00:43:02,663 --> 00:43:05,165
(ULULATES, SHUSHES) "Quiet!"
(CONTINUES ULULATING)
922
00:43:05,165 --> 00:43:09,753
- (LAUGHTER)
- (ULULATES)
923
00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:18,345
- "Oh, booyah!"
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
924
00:43:18,345 --> 00:43:20,097
"Oh yeah, that shit real!
925
00:43:20,097 --> 00:43:22,516
That's how you bully niggas
in school, my niggas."
926
00:43:22,516 --> 00:43:25,519
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
- "Yo, babe!
927
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:30,274
Will Smith...
928
00:43:31,650 --> 00:43:35,070
- is a nigga."
- (CHEERING)
929
00:43:35,070 --> 00:43:37,364
♪ Summertime ♪
930
00:43:37,364 --> 00:43:39,199
"I'll fuck with that nigga,
no more bootleg.
931
00:43:39,199 --> 00:43:41,618
We're gonna see
that nigga's shit.
932
00:43:41,618 --> 00:43:44,246
He can save the world
from anything, yo."
933
00:43:44,246 --> 00:43:46,373
(LAUGHTER)
934
00:43:49,043 --> 00:43:50,127
You know...
935
00:43:51,295 --> 00:43:51,587
people always ask me...
936
00:43:54,381 --> 00:43:54,757
"What if that was you?"
937
00:43:57,092 --> 00:43:58,802
And my answer is...
938
00:43:59,970 --> 00:44:01,388
"Come on, man,
I'm never gonna slap
939
00:44:01,388 --> 00:44:02,890
Chris Rock at the Oscars."
940
00:44:03,515 --> 00:44:06,894
(LAUGHTER)
941
00:44:06,894 --> 00:44:08,354
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Forget the Oscars!
942
00:44:08,354 --> 00:44:11,565
Oh, 'cause you ain't talking
about the other shit, nah.
943
00:44:11,565 --> 00:44:14,735
I'm not gonna entertain
that stupid shit, bro.
944
00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:16,528
You fucking crazy?
945
00:44:16,528 --> 00:44:19,406
You're going to slap me
at the Oscars?
946
00:44:19,406 --> 00:44:21,909
And then this nigga turned
his back, slapped,
947
00:44:21,909 --> 00:44:23,786
and walked off
like he an action hero.
948
00:44:23,786 --> 00:44:27,039
I'd have said,
"Nigga, don't turn
your back on me, nigga!"
949
00:44:27,039 --> 00:44:29,249
I would've jump right on
that nigga back like, "Nigga!"
950
00:44:29,249 --> 00:44:32,753
(LAUGHTER)
951
00:44:32,753 --> 00:44:34,421
I'm telling y'all, I'd choke
that nigga out
952
00:44:34,421 --> 00:44:36,548
to one of his
his corny songs. "Nigga..."
953
00:44:36,548 --> 00:44:41,011
♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na
Na-na, na, na, na-na! ♪
954
00:44:41,011 --> 00:44:44,515
♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na! ♪
955
00:44:44,515 --> 00:44:50,354
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
956
00:44:50,354 --> 00:44:54,191
The cover of every magazine
is Chris Rock getting slapped?
957
00:44:54,191 --> 00:44:56,860
Fuck that shit!
I don't give a fuck.
958
00:44:56,860 --> 00:44:58,612
That ain't going to be it.
I'm sorry.
959
00:44:58,612 --> 00:45:00,697
He could be bigger than me,
Ali, all that bullshit,
960
00:45:00,697 --> 00:45:01,448
I don't give a fuck. I'm dirty.
961
00:45:01,448 --> 00:45:03,951
- (LAUGHTER)
- You gonna slap me
962
00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:06,662
and have me looking
like Kid Quick from Punch-Out!!?
963
00:45:06,662 --> 00:45:09,498
- (LAUGHTER)
- I'm sorry.
964
00:45:09,498 --> 00:45:10,707
That ain't gonna be
the headline,
965
00:45:10,707 --> 00:45:14,169
"Will Smith slaps Marlon Wayans
at the Oscars." No.
966
00:45:14,169 --> 00:45:16,130
It's gonna be
"Will Smith slaps Marlon Wayans
967
00:45:16,130 --> 00:45:18,841
at the Oscars,
then Marlon Wayans proceeds...
968
00:45:20,342 --> 00:45:22,761
to bite Will Smith's dick off."
(LAUGHS)
969
00:45:22,761 --> 00:45:25,597
You gonna see me on the cover
of Time magazine like this.
970
00:45:25,597 --> 00:45:28,642
- (MUFFLED SCREAM)
- (LAUGHTER)
971
00:45:34,231 --> 00:45:35,816
He gonna slap me
and then turn his back
972
00:45:35,816 --> 00:45:40,529
with two women holding statues,
gold statues.
973
00:45:40,529 --> 00:45:42,531
Those aren't awards anymore.
974
00:45:42,531 --> 00:45:44,616
Those are weapons.
I'll be like, "Excuse me, sis.
975
00:45:44,616 --> 00:45:46,535
Nigga, you gonna get
this Oscar earlier."
976
00:45:46,535 --> 00:45:51,331
(LAUGHTER)
977
00:45:51,331 --> 00:45:54,626
I'm sorry. We have a saying in
the Black community, "On sight."
978
00:45:54,626 --> 00:45:57,129
- AUDIENCE: On sight!
- On sight.
979
00:45:57,129 --> 00:45:58,672
You gonna sit there
the whole fucking awards show,
980
00:45:58,672 --> 00:46:02,384
nigga, after you slap me?
No, nigga, we--
981
00:46:02,384 --> 00:46:05,012
On sight means
every time I see you,
982
00:46:05,012 --> 00:46:10,851
we are fighting until I win.
Until I win, then we cool.
983
00:46:10,851 --> 00:46:11,685
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
984
00:46:11,685 --> 00:46:13,729
Man, I'm taking
something from you.
985
00:46:13,729 --> 00:46:15,439
I'm taking
something you need, nigga.
986
00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:19,985
An eye, a tooth, a kid,
a testicle, something going.
987
00:46:21,570 --> 00:46:22,529
You gonna sit there
the whole award--
988
00:46:22,529 --> 00:46:24,948
I'd fight this motherfucker
every commercial break.
989
00:46:24,948 --> 00:46:25,991
(LAUGHTER)
990
00:46:25,991 --> 00:46:27,284
"And we'll be back
with the Oscars
991
00:46:27,284 --> 00:46:29,828
in five, four, three, two..."
992
00:46:29,828 --> 00:46:32,080
"Nigga, you gonna hit me in
front of Lupita, motherfucker?"
993
00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:38,504
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
994
00:46:40,797 --> 00:46:44,301
I would've hid--
hid right behind that nigga.
995
00:46:44,301 --> 00:46:46,220
Let me try
and get 'im in a hold.
996
00:46:46,220 --> 00:46:50,182
"And we're back with the Oscars
in five, four, three, two..."
997
00:46:50,182 --> 00:46:54,561
- (MUFFLED VOICE) "Come here."
- (LAUGHTER)
998
00:46:57,356 --> 00:46:59,483
Every chance I get.
999
00:46:59,483 --> 00:47:01,318
You gonna stay there
the whole award,
1000
00:47:01,318 --> 00:47:04,112
the whole fucking award show.
I'm sitting in the crowd.
1001
00:47:04,112 --> 00:47:06,907
I'm gonna wait until--
wait for my opportunity.
1002
00:47:06,907 --> 00:47:07,658
It's gonna happen
sooner or later.
1003
00:47:07,658 --> 00:47:10,452
I'm gonna sit there
in the crowd
1004
00:47:10,452 --> 00:47:12,496
waiting for him
to get his Oscar.
1005
00:47:12,496 --> 00:47:15,249
I'll be patient. I'll just be
waiting there the whole time.
1006
00:47:15,249 --> 00:47:16,667
- (CHEERING)
- "Yo, yo, this crazy.
1007
00:47:16,667 --> 00:47:19,419
Yo, yo, Will about
to win this shit?
1008
00:47:19,419 --> 00:47:20,462
Y'all, I hope Will win. Right?
1009
00:47:20,462 --> 00:47:23,757
I hope Will, yo,
fingers crossed.
1010
00:47:23,757 --> 00:47:25,759
Come on, Will, right? Yeah."
1011
00:47:25,759 --> 00:47:29,221
"And best actor goes
to Will Smith."
1012
00:47:29,221 --> 00:47:32,891
"Oh, yeah. All right.
Nigga, you out yo..."
1013
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:34,768
(LAUGHTER)
1014
00:47:34,768 --> 00:47:36,979
"You hit me in front
of Tyler and Denzel?
1015
00:47:36,979 --> 00:47:40,148
- Nigga, stupid bitch..."
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
1016
00:47:43,694 --> 00:47:45,404
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Marlon, you crazy!
1017
00:47:45,404 --> 00:47:48,407
- (CHEERING)
- (LAUGHS)
1018
00:47:48,407 --> 00:47:51,910
You fucking crazy, nigga.
You crazy.
1019
00:47:51,910 --> 00:47:53,996
I'm going to all the parties.
1020
00:47:53,996 --> 00:47:57,958
I'ma wait in line.
I'll be at Telemundo telecast.
1021
00:47:57,958 --> 00:48:03,255
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
1022
00:48:03,255 --> 00:48:05,799
- "Nigga, you out your..."
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
1023
00:48:05,799 --> 00:48:11,430
♪ Guantanamera
Guajira Guantanamera ♪
1024
00:48:11,430 --> 00:48:16,560
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1025
00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:19,229
♪ Guajira Guantanamera ♪
1026
00:48:23,108 --> 00:48:26,069
I don't like what-- the position
that he put Tony Rock in.
1027
00:48:26,069 --> 00:48:27,863
Let me tell you something.
Before I'm a comedian,
1028
00:48:27,863 --> 00:48:29,615
before I'm an actor,
before I'm a producer,
1029
00:48:29,615 --> 00:48:33,452
before I'm a writer,
I am a son, I am a father,
1030
00:48:33,994 --> 00:48:35,996
and I'm a brother.
1031
00:48:35,996 --> 00:48:38,206
I'd die for any
one of those fucking titles.
1032
00:48:38,206 --> 00:48:39,499
Don't fuck with my family.
1033
00:48:39,499 --> 00:48:41,793
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- Period.
1034
00:48:41,793 --> 00:48:43,420
If that nigga, Will,
would've hit me, I'm sorry,
1035
00:48:43,420 --> 00:48:45,088
there's too many niggas
in my family.
1036
00:48:45,088 --> 00:48:46,882
We ain't a family.
We a fucking gang, nigga.
1037
00:48:46,882 --> 00:48:49,551
There's the Crips, the Bloods,
and the Wayans.
1038
00:48:49,551 --> 00:48:51,136
What the fuck you think
this W is for?
1039
00:48:51,136 --> 00:48:51,887
That shit ain't for westside.
1040
00:48:51,887 --> 00:48:54,264
That's Wayan-Tang
all fucking day.
1041
00:48:54,264 --> 00:48:56,266
(APPLAUSE)
1042
00:48:56,266 --> 00:48:57,601
If that nigga Will
were to hit me...
1043
00:48:58,518 --> 00:49:03,315
- (SCREECHING)
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
1044
00:49:03,315 --> 00:49:07,027
Shawn would've zip-lined in.
(SCREECHES)
1045
00:49:07,986 --> 00:49:10,030
Old-ass Keenen
and Damon flying in
1046
00:49:10,030 --> 00:49:13,033
like pterodactyls. (IMITATES
PTERODACTYLS SQUAWKING)
1047
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:16,745
(LAUGHS) Two thousand
nephews coming... (ULULATES)
1048
00:49:16,745 --> 00:49:19,873
...like pigeons. (COOING)
1049
00:49:19,873 --> 00:49:20,874
He'd have grabbed Will
by his ears,
1050
00:49:20,874 --> 00:49:24,419
"Get him nigga.
Contact, motherfucker."
1051
00:49:24,419 --> 00:49:25,587
(LAUGHTER)
1052
00:49:25,587 --> 00:49:29,341
My nephews... Oh, I'd have
all my nephews surround Jaden.
1053
00:49:29,341 --> 00:49:31,259
"Yeah, nigga. Yeah.
1054
00:49:31,259 --> 00:49:34,096
Put the dress on, little bitch.
Put the dress on."
1055
00:49:34,096 --> 00:49:35,222
(LAUGHTER)
1056
00:49:35,222 --> 00:49:36,890
"Nah, put him
in the Batman costume.
1057
00:49:36,890 --> 00:49:39,935
- Put him in the Batman costume."
- (LAUGHTER)
1058
00:49:39,935 --> 00:49:43,397
And Jada. Shit,
we got something for Jada, too.
1059
00:49:43,397 --> 00:49:46,942
- You think you bald now?
- (LAUGHTER)
1060
00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:50,737
I got four fat Black sisters
that y'all have never heard of.
1061
00:49:50,737 --> 00:49:53,240
We keep them bitches in cages
1062
00:49:53,240 --> 00:49:55,575
for special emergencies
like this.
1063
00:49:56,618 --> 00:49:59,079
Vonnie, Elvira, Diedra,
Nadia, and Devonne.
1064
00:49:59,079 --> 00:50:03,583
They love to pull hair.
That's their go-to move.
1065
00:50:03,583 --> 00:50:05,544
They would've sat her down
at the park bench
1066
00:50:05,544 --> 00:50:06,753
and stapled hair in her head
1067
00:50:06,753 --> 00:50:10,006
and pulled her ass
all over Hollywood.
1068
00:50:10,006 --> 00:50:12,968
(LAUGHTER)
1069
00:50:21,059 --> 00:50:23,687
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Marlon,
you crazy. We love you.
1070
00:50:24,896 --> 00:50:25,981
And y'all like,
"What about Willow?"
1071
00:50:25,981 --> 00:50:30,902
"Leave the girl.
Let somebody tell the tale."
1072
00:50:30,902 --> 00:50:33,947
(LAUGHTER)
1073
00:50:33,947 --> 00:50:36,241
I will say this,
Will Smith owed Chris Rock
1074
00:50:36,241 --> 00:50:38,994
an apology in that moment.
1075
00:50:38,994 --> 00:50:40,787
The quicker you get
to "I'm sorry,"
1076
00:50:40,787 --> 00:50:42,414
the quicker we can heal.
1077
00:50:42,414 --> 00:50:43,832
Like, even if you--
I know you worth
1078
00:50:43,832 --> 00:50:45,000
a couple
hundred million dollars,
1079
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:47,335
and you got too much pride
and ego to be like,
1080
00:50:47,335 --> 00:50:52,424
"I'm sorry." Just hit him
with a... "My bad." That's all.
1081
00:50:52,424 --> 00:50:54,134
Black folks,
we would've understood that.
1082
00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:56,386
He pacifically
said sorry. (LAUGHS)
1083
00:50:56,386 --> 00:50:58,221
(LAUGHTER)
1084
00:50:58,221 --> 00:51:00,348
But I was mad
he didn't apologize.
1085
00:51:00,348 --> 00:51:02,684
That man deserved an apology.
1086
00:51:02,684 --> 00:51:06,313
You apologized to everybody
except Chris? Come on, bro.
1087
00:51:06,313 --> 00:51:08,982
I was so mad at Will,
I wanted to jump him with Chris
1088
00:51:08,982 --> 00:51:12,360
when that shit happened.
I thought it was unfair.
1089
00:51:12,360 --> 00:51:15,864
And I text Rock, "You okay?
What city is your face in?"
1090
00:51:15,864 --> 00:51:18,283
- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHTER)
1091
00:51:18,283 --> 00:51:21,161
But he didn't apologize
to that man. That shit hurt me.
1092
00:51:21,161 --> 00:51:24,247
He owed Chris an apology,
and if you gonna double down
1093
00:51:24,247 --> 00:51:26,458
on your ignorance
then not apologize,
1094
00:51:26,458 --> 00:51:28,502
then fuck it,
don't apologize to nobody,
1095
00:51:28,502 --> 00:51:30,378
so don't do no apology.
1096
00:51:30,378 --> 00:51:31,588
The next day,
do a fucking press conference.
1097
00:51:31,588 --> 00:51:34,508
Call it, "Sorry, not sorry."
1098
00:51:34,508 --> 00:51:36,176
It be like LeBron James
when he went
1099
00:51:36,176 --> 00:51:38,178
from Cleveland to Miami.
1100
00:51:38,178 --> 00:51:41,848
I'm sending Black kids
to college on scholarships,
1101
00:51:41,848 --> 00:51:44,017
and I'm telling the world,
I'm gonna show up,
1102
00:51:44,017 --> 00:51:45,894
black suit, white shirt...
1103
00:51:47,062 --> 00:51:49,231
like I'm going to the Oscars,
black tie,
1104
00:51:49,231 --> 00:51:50,065
and I pull up
and be like, "Yo...
1105
00:51:51,441 --> 00:51:53,819
(CLEARS THROAT)
1106
00:51:55,821 --> 00:51:56,863
...'sup?
1107
00:51:57,864 --> 00:52:01,326
I wanna start
by saying sorry, not sorry."
1108
00:52:01,326 --> 00:52:04,204
- (AUDIENCE MEMBERS EXCLAIMING)
- "I don't give a fuck.
1109
00:52:04,204 --> 00:52:07,541
I'm rich. Y'all can suck
my dick down to the stick part."
1110
00:52:07,541 --> 00:52:09,459
(CHEERING)
1111
00:52:09,459 --> 00:52:12,045
"To my brother, Chris Rock,
yeah, I slapped you. So what?
1112
00:52:12,045 --> 00:52:14,089
Say something else,
I'll slap you again, pussy.
1113
00:52:14,089 --> 00:52:16,550
I don't give a fuck.
I'm a real nigga.
1114
00:52:16,550 --> 00:52:19,678
I'll slap Chris Rock, Tony Rock,
The Rock, Fraggle Rock."
1115
00:52:19,678 --> 00:52:24,182
- I don't give a fuck."
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1116
00:52:24,182 --> 00:52:25,892
"To my wife, Jada...
1117
00:52:27,310 --> 00:52:28,103
I love you.
1118
00:52:29,604 --> 00:52:32,607
But bitch, if you ever have
another entanglement again,
1119
00:52:32,607 --> 00:52:34,150
I swear to God,
I'm fucking you up.
1120
00:52:34,150 --> 00:52:36,528
That red table's gonna be
your blood, bitch."
1121
00:52:36,528 --> 00:52:37,737
(LAUGHTER)
1122
00:52:37,737 --> 00:52:39,906
"I slapped that nigga's face
1123
00:52:39,906 --> 00:52:41,700
'cause he looked like
August Alsina.
1124
00:52:41,700 --> 00:52:44,494
- He looked like
that motherfucker."
- (LAUGHTER)
1125
00:52:46,204 --> 00:52:47,581
"Matter of fact,
we ain't never saying
1126
00:52:47,581 --> 00:52:50,417
the word August again.
We taking that shit.
1127
00:52:50,417 --> 00:52:53,378
August don't exist
in the calendar.
1128
00:52:53,378 --> 00:52:55,505
We going June,
July, September."
1129
00:52:55,505 --> 00:53:00,093
(LAUGHTER)
1130
00:53:00,093 --> 00:53:03,471
"I wanna say
to the Academy, fuck y'all.
1131
00:53:03,471 --> 00:53:05,765
How you gonna give these awards
to fucking King Richard?
1132
00:53:05,765 --> 00:53:07,058
I ain't deserve it
for that shit,
1133
00:53:07,058 --> 00:53:08,935
me talking like Buckwheat.
I deserved that shit
1134
00:53:08,935 --> 00:53:11,605
for fucking
Pursuit of Happyness."
1135
00:53:11,605 --> 00:53:12,939
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1136
00:53:12,939 --> 00:53:15,901
"I deserved
that shit for Ali."
1137
00:53:15,901 --> 00:53:17,068
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1138
00:53:17,068 --> 00:53:20,655
"I deserved it
for Six Degrees of Separation
1139
00:53:20,655 --> 00:53:21,781
when I kissed that White boy.
1140
00:53:21,781 --> 00:53:23,450
I can still taste his mayonnaise
all in my mouth."
1141
00:53:23,450 --> 00:53:27,746
(LAUGHTER)
1142
00:53:30,957 --> 00:53:34,127
"I wanna say
to all my White fans,
all my White fans..."
1143
00:53:34,127 --> 00:53:35,795
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
"Fooled you, niggas.
1144
00:53:35,795 --> 00:53:38,632
- I'm Black."
- (LAUGHTER)
1145
00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:42,135
"My name's not Willard Smith.
It's Will Smith.
1146
00:53:42,135 --> 00:53:45,138
Pronounced with two Fs
like the gun. Smiff."
1147
00:53:45,138 --> 00:53:46,806
(LAUGHTER)
1148
00:53:46,806 --> 00:53:48,266
"And, lastly, I'm a real nigga,
1149
00:53:48,266 --> 00:53:50,602
so in the immortal words
of my nigga Loc Dog,
1150
00:53:50,602 --> 00:53:54,981
from Don't Be a Menace,
'Y'all suck my dick, lick ass.
1151
00:53:54,981 --> 00:53:57,776
Gs up, hoes down.
Good night, bitches.'"
1152
00:53:57,776 --> 00:54:03,156
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1153
00:54:03,156 --> 00:54:04,741
Then, I'll go
in my jacket pocket
1154
00:54:04,741 --> 00:54:05,367
and I'll pull out
some Ray-Bans...
1155
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:08,453
then I'll go in my other pocket,
1156
00:54:08,453 --> 00:54:09,663
and I'll pull out
that neuralyzer
1157
00:54:09,663 --> 00:54:11,623
from Men in Black
1158
00:54:11,623 --> 00:54:14,167
and I'd erase all
you fucking people's memory.
1159
00:54:14,167 --> 00:54:16,294
I'll be like,
"Watch the birdie."
1160
00:54:16,294 --> 00:54:20,423
- (BLOWS, POPS)
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
1161
00:54:20,423 --> 00:54:22,342
Then I'd press play
like nothing had ever happened.
1162
00:54:22,342 --> 00:54:23,969
Press play and be like...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
1163
00:54:23,969 --> 00:54:26,846
♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na
Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪
1164
00:54:26,846 --> 00:54:29,891
- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHTER)
1165
00:54:29,891 --> 00:54:30,350
I've known Will Smith...
1166
00:54:32,644 --> 00:54:35,063
since I was 19, 20 years old.
1167
00:54:36,147 --> 00:54:38,984
He's always been that dude,
you know?
1168
00:54:38,984 --> 00:54:41,861
You know, when you an actor
and you look at those guys,
1169
00:54:41,861 --> 00:54:44,030
he's always been an example.
1170
00:54:44,030 --> 00:54:46,741
And the way he held us down
for so long,
1171
00:54:46,741 --> 00:54:47,951
that shit should be applauded.
1172
00:54:47,951 --> 00:54:49,160
You know, we were kinda
like rivals.
1173
00:54:49,160 --> 00:54:52,122
You know, he was on NBC,
I was on the WB.
1174
00:54:52,122 --> 00:54:55,208
He had three letters
in his acronym.
1175
00:54:55,208 --> 00:54:58,003
We were ghetto as fuck.
I could only afford two.
1176
00:54:58,003 --> 00:55:00,839
- (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
- Will Smith, man.
1177
00:55:00,839 --> 00:55:03,800
All these roles used to
always go to him first, right?
1178
00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:04,843
I went in for Men in Black,
1179
00:55:04,843 --> 00:55:06,886
it looked like the hanger
was still in the suit.
1180
00:55:06,886 --> 00:55:08,888
I went in to audition,
1181
00:55:08,888 --> 00:55:11,558
the director literally laughed
at me. He said,
1182
00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:13,059
"You're supposed to be
a CIA operative.
1183
00:55:13,059 --> 00:55:15,311
- You look more like
a vacuum cleaner salesman."
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw.
1184
00:55:15,311 --> 00:55:18,148
And this happened on
every role that I went out for.
1185
00:55:18,148 --> 00:55:21,317
And see, in Hollywood,
they have this thing,
1186
00:55:21,317 --> 00:55:23,862
it's called one nigga at a time.
1187
00:55:23,862 --> 00:55:25,947
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah.
- And this is real.
1188
00:55:25,947 --> 00:55:27,073
There's only room
for one Black man to make it
1189
00:55:27,073 --> 00:55:29,242
at a time, up until recently.
1190
00:55:29,242 --> 00:55:32,245
Understand, back in the day,
especially in the '80s,
1191
00:55:32,245 --> 00:55:34,122
you had Eddie Murphy,
that was it.
1192
00:55:34,873 --> 00:55:36,541
Then Wesley Snipes got a chance,
1193
00:55:36,541 --> 00:55:41,046
and Denzel got a chance,
and then came my brother, Damon,
1194
00:55:41,046 --> 00:55:44,257
then came Martin Lawrence,
then came Will,
1195
00:55:44,257 --> 00:55:46,301
and Will held that slot
for so long,
1196
00:55:46,301 --> 00:55:48,928
and I used to pray.
I used to be like,
1197
00:55:48,928 --> 00:55:50,305
"This nigga gonna fall off
sooner or later."
1198
00:55:50,305 --> 00:55:51,097
I'm getting ready,
I'm hitting the gym, like,
1199
00:55:51,097 --> 00:55:52,223
I'm getting my shit together.
1200
00:55:52,223 --> 00:55:54,768
"He's gonna fall
and I'ma get my chance."
1201
00:55:54,768 --> 00:55:56,061
It never came.
1202
00:55:56,061 --> 00:55:59,230
This nigga been hot
for 30 fucking years.
1203
00:55:59,230 --> 00:56:01,232
He's never fell off.
1204
00:56:01,232 --> 00:56:02,317
He got bigger and bigger
and bigger, and I was like,
1205
00:56:02,317 --> 00:56:08,656
- "Fuck, God. I need a miracle."
- (LAUGHTER)
1206
00:56:08,656 --> 00:56:12,577
- Then, on March 27th, 2022...
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1207
00:56:12,577 --> 00:56:16,289
...approximately 10:32 p.m.
Eastern Standard Time,
1208
00:56:16,289 --> 00:56:19,292
- which is 7:32...
- AUDIENCE: Pacific.
1209
00:56:19,292 --> 00:56:21,169
Pacific. At this point,
who gives a fuck?
1210
00:56:21,169 --> 00:56:22,962
(LAUGHTER)
1211
00:56:22,962 --> 00:56:26,341
When Chris Rock cracked
a joke on Will Smith's wife
1212
00:56:26,341 --> 00:56:27,509
and Will Smith got up...
1213
00:56:28,510 --> 00:56:30,845
and slapped the shit out
of Chris Rock.
1214
00:56:30,845 --> 00:56:32,055
That had nothing
to do with Chris,
1215
00:56:32,055 --> 00:56:33,932
nothing to do with Jada,
nothing to do with Will.
1216
00:56:33,932 --> 00:56:36,434
I told y'all.
1217
00:56:36,434 --> 00:56:39,729
- AUDIENCE MEMBER:
God loves you!
- God fucking loves me.
1218
00:56:39,729 --> 00:56:41,314
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1219
00:56:41,314 --> 00:56:44,984
Because all these roles
that this man had,
1220
00:56:44,984 --> 00:56:47,112
they started coming loose.
1221
00:56:47,112 --> 00:56:49,572
And in that moment,
I fucking realized something.
1222
00:56:51,699 --> 00:56:52,492
God loves me,
1223
00:56:52,492 --> 00:56:55,078
because none of those roles
are for me.
1224
00:56:55,954 --> 00:56:57,622
That's for that man.
1225
00:56:57,622 --> 00:57:00,166
That-- a man who upheld
Black excellence
1226
00:57:00,166 --> 00:57:01,167
as long as he did,
we should be proud of.
1227
00:57:01,167 --> 00:57:03,837
He did something
that no other man did,
1228
00:57:03,837 --> 00:57:04,879
and he deserves to be forgiven
for a moment
1229
00:57:04,879 --> 00:57:06,965
of being fucked up,
1230
00:57:06,965 --> 00:57:09,217
- because we all have shit.
- (APPLAUSE)
1231
00:57:09,217 --> 00:57:10,343
We all have shit moments.
1232
00:57:10,343 --> 00:57:12,428
He just so happened to have
the worst moment
1233
00:57:12,428 --> 00:57:15,765
- on the best day.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Right.
1234
00:57:15,765 --> 00:57:17,851
And I don't wanna be
what Will Smith is.
1235
00:57:17,851 --> 00:57:20,103
You don't thirst
for anybody else's career
1236
00:57:20,103 --> 00:57:21,354
except your own.
1237
00:57:21,354 --> 00:57:23,857
We so busy looking over
at other people's yards
1238
00:57:23,857 --> 00:57:25,191
that we ain't looking
at our own.
1239
00:57:25,191 --> 00:57:27,819
God has blessed
the fuck out of me.
1240
00:57:27,819 --> 00:57:29,571
If I was Will, I wouldn't be me.
1241
00:57:29,571 --> 00:57:30,947
I wouldn't have written
and produced and starred in 15,
1242
00:57:30,947 --> 00:57:32,365
16 fucking movies.
1243
00:57:32,365 --> 00:57:35,076
I wouldn't have created
my own television show
1244
00:57:35,076 --> 00:57:36,744
since 18 years old.
1245
00:57:36,744 --> 00:57:39,414
I have been so blessed
on this journey that God,
1246
00:57:39,414 --> 00:57:41,416
man, he's been nothing but good.
1247
00:57:41,416 --> 00:57:43,918
Chris Rock, I'm grateful
to my brother
1248
00:57:43,918 --> 00:57:46,796
for checking my chin.
1249
00:57:46,796 --> 00:57:50,091
I quit for 20 years, and now,
I'm back on stage,
1250
00:57:50,091 --> 00:57:51,801
and I'm grateful
that a GOAT...
1251
00:57:51,801 --> 00:57:56,389
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1252
00:57:56,389 --> 00:58:00,977
...that a GOAT
and a big brother took the time
1253
00:58:00,977 --> 00:58:02,770
to check my chin
in a way that, maybe,
1254
00:58:02,770 --> 00:58:05,231
my brothers would've never.
You made me better,
1255
00:58:05,231 --> 00:58:06,441
and I love you
for that, brother.
1256
00:58:06,441 --> 00:58:10,486
I'm thankful to Jada
for teaching me about love,
1257
00:58:10,486 --> 00:58:13,531
about forgiving,
about unconditional,
1258
00:58:13,531 --> 00:58:16,159
about devastation,
and about healing.
1259
00:58:16,159 --> 00:58:19,495
And may we all take this
time to forgive those
1260
00:58:19,495 --> 00:58:20,330
that made mistakes,
1261
00:58:20,330 --> 00:58:22,665
because it's all a part
of the journey
1262
00:58:22,665 --> 00:58:26,294
and it's all a part of love.
I never wanted to be Will Smith.
1263
00:58:26,294 --> 00:58:28,296
I never wanted to be Chris Rock.
I'm just grateful to God,
1264
00:58:28,296 --> 00:58:31,132
he made me
Marlon fucking Wayans.
1265
00:58:31,132 --> 00:58:34,928
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1266
00:58:34,928 --> 00:58:38,806
God loves me, and remember,
God loves you, too.
1267
00:58:38,806 --> 00:58:39,933
Thank y'all. Good night.
1268
00:58:39,933 --> 00:58:45,813
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- ♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
1269
00:59:31,150 --> 00:59:33,069
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪