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Warning, Object approaching. Warning.
Power crystal identified.
Oh, my gods!
Oh my God!
Activating tractor beam.
Yes. I got you, baby.
Warning, incoming projectile.
Evasive action required.
Come to mama.
Oh, my gods!
- Oh, my gods! Oh, my gods! - Warning.
- Oh, my gods! Oh, my gods! - Warning, warning, warning.
Oh, my gods! Stop! No, no, no, no, no, no!
All right. So, what insurance company do you use?
Uh, I don't have insurance.
Of course, you don't.
That's cool.
Well, I'm not paying for your ship, so...
- Well, I didn't ask you to. - Okay.
Wait. Why not?
Because it was a custom build.
And it was priceless.
Custom build?
Seriously, dude? I saw your ship.
I mean, it was a piece of crap.
Like, held together with bubblegum.
Whoever built that seriously swindled you big time.
- Like, you got fully-- - I built it.
- What? - Yeah.
- Who builds their own ship? - I do.
You know, it's not just irresponsible,
it's actually illegal to drive around
without insurance. So, newsflash.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Is it more or less illegal than, I don't know,
crystal harvesting?
What?
I mean, that is what you're out here doing, right?
Looking for magic power crystals.
No.
- No? - Mm-mm.
Hmm. You're just out for a drive.
Sightseeing in the asteroid belt.
Yeah, totally. I actually like asteroids.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, okay.
What do you like about asteroids?
- They're rocky. - Mm.
- That's the best part, right? - Mm-hmm.
They're rocky.
Okay. So, can I just drop you at a transit station,
and like, call it a day?
Or you can just take me to Megalopolis.
I mean, that is where you're going, right?
Yeah. Sure.
- But-- - Great.
- I'm not your chauffeur. - Right.
Well, would you be my chauffeur in exchange
for a magic power crystal?
We're down to the final round.
And it's anyone's match.
Megazord 2000 goes in front counterattack.
C-47 blocks it. And oh!
- We've got a KO, folks! -
What a night for Mecha Fighting!
Join us next week for another match here.
Damn it. We missed it.
You seriously wanted to pay money
to watch people inside robots fight each other?
No. Not at all.
I wanna get paid to be inside the robot.
Ew! Why?
Uh, because Super Mecha Fighting is an art form.
No.
You can't just call anything an art form. That's a sport.
No. That is a culture. It is a lifestyle.
It's-- it's-- it's engineering, and-- and strategy,
and-- and man melding with machine.
Oh! That's so funny.
I thought it was just all about violence.
Well, this has been lovely. We should get going.
"We"?
You're my chauffeur, remember?
That was not the deal.
One crystal for one ride to and from the city.
- Where are you from? - Oceanus.
Oh, my gods! I don't wanna go there!
Why? Are you afraid of fish-people?
What? N-- no!
My mom's hairdresser was a fish-person.
I don't wanna go there, because it's far.
Exactly! We should get going before the hyperspace tunnel
gets clogged.
The hyperspace tunnel is always clogged!
Well, here it is.
Wow!
It's really gorgeous here.
Is it? You can't spell Oceanus without Anus.
Really?
You don't feel in touch with nature
when you're out here?
I mean, nature's touching me, it's just not consensual.
So, can I get that power crystal?
- Yeah. - Thanks.
Can I ask?
What do you want with this thing?
- Does it matter? - Yeah. I mean, humor me.
- You're human, right? - Yes.
So, what do you need magic crystals for?
I don't know. They connect me with the gods.
- Right. - Oh, okay.
I take it you're one of those people
who doesn't believe in the gods.
See, I don't get that.
Higher consciousness beings exist.
That's not like up for debate.
Okay. Just because interdimensional aliens exist
doesn't mean that they care about you.
They may as well be imaginary.
Everything's imaginary.
Stock markets aren't real.
Borders, laws, corporations.
They're all just social constructs.
Civilization is real.
That's what separates us from the animals
who can't reason past their feelings.
- Hmm. - Mm-hmm.
You should come to the city next week.
Wow. Are you-- are you inviting me to hang out?
I'm inviting you to come see how wrong you are
about what you just said.
What's next week?
They're celebrating it! That is civilization for you.
Yeah. People are always freaking out over names
and symbols.
And it's always an emotional argument.
You know, I read an article the other day
about how the holiday has taken on
a whole another significance.
Okay. I-- I feel like maybe changing the name
from Genocide Day would be nice.
For who?
The fish people who were murdered?
I'm a fish person.
Okay. Uh, what?
Yeah. See. I'm half.
My dad.
Most people can't tell 'cause I pass for human.
Oh. I thought-- I thought your mom had to be--
That's Jewish people.
So-- And the holiday doesn't bother you?
Yeah. Of course, it does.
But that was like hundreds of years ago.
You have to look forward.
- To what? - To the future.
I wanna be somebody.
Hmm.
Didn't take you for an optimist.
I am optimistic that you'll give me a ride home
even though you don't have to.
That's cute. That's-- that's cute.
Can I just clarify, are we gonna sleep together?
- What? - Well, there's tension.
So, clearly, something is happening.
So, I just wanna clarify.
Like, is it gonna happen? Is it not gonna happen.
I mean, either is totally fine by me.
I just really hate not knowing this kinda stuff.
So, I just thought I'd ask, you know?
You think we're compatible?
No. I mean, no. Definitely not.
But that can make for great sex.
You know, like um, I'm not asking you to marry me.
Whoa! Marriage is definitely out of question.
So, don't even-- don't even bother with that.
Okay. See, that's flirting.
You're flirting. That gives off a vibe.
But whatever. That's fine. You don't think I'm cute.
- It's not a big deal. - Ah.
Nice way to fish for a compliment.
Well, maybe I'm part fish-person.
That's very offensive.
Um, I'm-- I'm really sorry. I'm-- Shit. I'm so sorry. I--
Oh. Okay. Okay.
Oh, that's cute.
You're-- you're messing with me.
That's-- You know, that's flirting, right?
Like, that's literally the definition of flirting.
Look. It's not that I don't think
you're cute. I think you're cute.
I just don't think there's a future.
And I don't see the point of having sex
if there's no future.
Okay. Well, the point would be to just have sex.
But I mean, whatever. It's fine.
Let's just be friends. It's not a big deal.
Who says I wanna be friends with you?
You wanna be friends with me.
So, most fighters, they use single-thruster system.
Okay.
- But me-- - Right.
What I think is gonna separate me from all the others
is that I'm a northpaw.
Okay. So, there's Triangulon,
- god of love. - Mm-hmm. All right.
Supposed to represent past, present, future.
- Yeah. - Then there's Gravitron,
god of gravity.
Dethos, god of death.
And they all live in the Spirit Realm together.
And it's only accessible to beings
with higher consciousness.
- What are you doing? - Stop backseat driving!
- Oh, my God! - Stop backseat driving!
You just missed it again!
You're idealizing a spiritually bankrupt society.
Yeah. But you guys get to vote.
The whole thing is a stupid really TV show!
I feel like we should have a secret handshake.
Why? There's no function to that.
- Why? - There's no function.
It would just be fun.
I got it. Ready?
You don't got it. You don't got it!
- Glorp soda? - Yeah.
- It's kinda gross. - But--
It doesn't even taste like anything.
Diet Glorp soda.
'Cause otherwise, the sugar. I'm like...
Come on! You should be proud of your gills.
They're beautiful!
It's like having two vaginas on your collarbone.
It's not beautiful.
So, are your parents still married?
Uh, yes. Just not to each other.
What are your parents like?
- Well, my dad's an asshole. - Oh, bummer. Sorry. What kind?
Well, all he talks about is me working
at the rock factory. That's all he cares about.
- Damn. - Yeah.
- What about your mom? - She left when I was 7.
So, start from the top. So, it goes like this.
- This. - Like this.
- This. - Like that.
- This one's the weird one. - It's so not weird.
I do not fart.
If you're smelling gasoline, it's the ship.
If your butt is called, "the ship", then, yeah.
- Just simple. Just simple. - Okay.
This. Maybe you want something like this,
and then like that, and like that,
- Easy. Done. - All right.
- Great. - I like that.
1, 2...
I'm leaving!
What? Wait, what?
To go on a quest.
- Uh, back up. - Okay.
Basically, Spirit Realm is under attack.
Someone needs to go save it.
I was selected to join the team.
- Uh, by who? - Moebius! He's a demi-god.
Half god, half like, um, not-god.
He's the leader of the Passionauts.
- We're going on tour. - So, it's like a band?
Well, a battle tour. But, yeah!
I guess it's kinda like a band of, um, I don't know,
like adventures, and heroes, and a mission to defeat evil
in the Spirit Realm.
There was a prophecy, etcetera, etcetera.
Anyways, I have to go back.
I leave for the Citadel tonight!
Okay. I mean, it all just seems--
Very exciting! I know! Oh! Max, I'm gonna miss you.
Can you-- can you trust this Moebius guy?
I mean, can anyone trust anyone?
- Yes. - Exactly!
We all just have to take leaps of faith on each other.
And sometimes, you meet a total stranger,
and it all just works out. And I mean, he knows magic.
And he's like, 4,000 years old.
So, I don't know.
I got good vibes.
And-- and he worked with Triangulon, god of love.
So, like, how bad can he be?
Okay.
Come on. Please don't make this sad.
This is good news.
I just guess I'm gonna miss you.
There's nothing I could do to make you stay?
Maybe a-- you think a Glorp soda?
I mean, like, I don't know.
The cosmic forces of love are calling me, and...
Well, then I guess this is goodbye.
Oh, come on! It's not goodbye.
We'll keep in touch. I promise.
I'll send you a hologram.
- Uh, I'm sorry. - I'm so sorry. I got--
- No, I was here. - No, I got in here--
- I saw you walking. - Wait, Max?
You know what?
I don't have time for an autograph.
You go ahead and take this one.
No, Max. It's-- it's me.
It's-- it's Molli.
Molli.
Oh, my science.
Wait. What are you doing here?
Oh. Um.
I'm-- I'm just here for the weekend
for an outreach mission for the Citadel.
- Oh. - Uh, what are you doing here?
- I live here. - Oh, my gods!
Yeah. I know it's kinda dumb, but I bought the penthouse
at the publicly subsidized private luxury high-rise
development on 481st Street. It's nice. I really like it.
Wow.
Before I go into the ring, I drink a whole gallon
- of Glorp soda. - Oh, my gods.
- It's embarrassing. - That's you.
I don't actually drink a gallon of Glorp soda.
They-- they make me say that.
I love it so much, I take a bath in it
every morning. And so can you.
That part is in my contract, I do that.
Tonight, one night only, live at Pubox Arena,
Super Mecha Fighting Team Max and MAR14
take on Erica and C-47!
Brought to you by Glorp soda, a subsidiary of Cheesecorp!
Max! That's so cool! You're a freaking celebrity!
What?
Have you been living under a rock?
Well, yeah, kinda.
The Citadel doesn't allow outside contact, so...
Oh. Well, I didn't know what happened to you.
I just figured... Yeah. I wish you would have told me.
I know. I know. I'm sorry. I-- I sacrificed a lot.
But overall, the Citadel has been great.
So, it all worked out for you.
Yeah, definitely!
I mean, it's different.
A little different than, you know,
I thought it would be.
But um, in a good way. In a great way.
- In a really good way. - Uh, how so?
Oh. Um, Moebius just really challenged
all my pre-conceived notions of love and relationships.
Uh, what do you mean?
All the Passionauts at the Citadel are together
in one relationship.
Moebius, as you know, is a demi-god,
and he's our intermediate with Triangulon, god of love.
And we communicate with Triangulon
through intercourse with Moebius
and with each other.
Inter-- intercourse. Sorry.
Interesting, that's interesting.
I know. It sounds a little unconventional.
But it's actually really magical.
- Uh, pun intended. - I know.
I'm a level seven Space Witch now!
- That is amazing! - Yeah.
Oh, anyways...
Is that-- is that a high level?
Uh, I mean, yeah. Like, well, whatever.
Let's just say there is no other human
that's ever achieved that level, so...
- Huh. - But anyways, enough about me.
I mean, how are you?
Oh. Uh, I'm doing great. Things are great. Yeah.
Killing it. My-- my career is pretty much
everything I ever wanted. Yeah.
I don't-- I don't mean your career.
I mean, how are you?
Well, my career is very much part of me, so...
Well, yeah. But not the important part.
What-- what's the important part?
I don't know. Have you found love?
Uh...
uh, I mean, yeah. I have millions of fans.
- They all love me. - Okay. Come on.
That's not what I meant.
You know that's not what I meant.
If you must know, I am seeing somebody.
Okay, that's great! Who is she?
She's actually my Mecha partner.
Yeah. MAR-14.
She goes by Maria, so...
Because the one and the four look like an I and an A.
- Maria. - Right. Uh, right. No.
I-- I'm just a little confused.
You're dating a robot?
She's sentient.
- Okay. - She has free will.
So, for all intents and purposes, she's a person.
I-- I designed and built her to think for herself.
So, she's a person.
If you built her, doesn't that make you,
like her dad?
Her dad? Ew, no. Why would you--
Max, that is not natural.
Really? Natural? We're in a flying car.
- Okay. You know what? - Nothing is natural.
That's a very organically biased thing to say,
- don't you think? - You know what?
- I'm being honest. - Okay.
Well, if I'm being honest,
- I think you're in a cult. - Oh, my God.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Yeah. - Right. Totally.
No, you would call it that.
That's cute. I'm not in a cult.
I can leave whenever I want to.
I just don't want to, 'cause I'm like super happy!
You're a full-on nut! I just-- Wow!
Wow. That's my cue to go.
Have a nice life living in Midtown.
I will. Thank you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
The car is moving. We're in mid-air.
I'm a level seven Space Witch. I can fly, you idiot!
Ugh!
She can't fly. She can't...
She can fly.
So, why'd she take a cab?
Hey. You're that guy everyone hates.
- Uh, no. Not me. - No, yeah. It's totally you.
No, I know.
Can you sign this autograph, please?
I'm sorry.
You have me mistaken for somebody else.
- It's not me. - Isn't this the guy?
That's the guy that everyone hates.
You know who I'm talking about. Come on.
Sign it for my girlfriend. Come on. Come on.
- Give it to me - Here you go.
Make it out to Jessica.
- Okay. - All right.
Hey, thanks, man. I hate you so much.
Excuse you.
Max?
Molli?
- I feel-- - I feel--
Ooh.
You-- you go.
I feel like I owe you an apology.
Uh, no. I-- I feel like I owe you an apology.
Uh, let's hold onto that. Let's strap in.
- Okay. - Okay.
So, how does it work?
So, to two-for-one time travel special with chicken wings,
- It's read-only, of course. - Right.
But the food here is actually pretty good.
- Okay. - Yeah.
I'll start.
So, when you left...
I felt abandoned.
I'm really sorry.
No, no, no. I'm not trying to make you feel bad.
I'm just trying to reflect.
I was angry, and I was jealous.
You were going off on this great adventure.
And, you know, I was going nowhere fast.
Boy, time you got a job with your old pop
at the Rock n' Roll factory.
Dad, I am never gonna be a Rock n' Roll musician.
Never!
I'm gonna be the greatest, most successful Mecha fighter
that ever lived. You'll see.
That's what they all say.
You'll be back making stock music
for corporate videos like the rest of us.
So, I took all that anger and I funneled it
into what I loved.
I start building, studying strategy,
training from sunrise to sunset.
I get very into optimizing my diet, tracking my workouts.
And I started participating in local matches.
At first, I got my ass kicked.
But little by little, I started to pick up tricks
- and build up my skills. -
And then I started winning!
And when you win locals, then you go to Regionals.
Then Metaregionals.
- What? - Don't worry about it.
The point is, after Metaregionals
is Planetaries.
And the hope is that somebody will see you there,
and sponsor you, and take you to Galactics
which is a straight shot to Versies-- Uh, Universies.
There is always a higher level.
Right. Exactly. Anyways.
I put 110 percent into my Mecha suit.
Really, everything I have.
And it's an epic battle with twists, and turns,
and punches, and kicks.
And then I hit him with the sword,
then he punches me, and then I spin,
and then I get back up,
and then he dives his axe into me
but then I slam my sword into him. And he falls.
And I win.
That's amazing!
And you'll never guess what happens next.
What?
Nothing. No sponsorships, no phone calls. Nada.
So, I build a machine-learning algorithm
that analyzes all of my matches.
And eventually, it becomes sentient.
Permission to develop distinct personality.
Uh, permission granted.
All right, Maxy darling,
let's get straight to the point!
I've watched the reels, and you've got more talent
than the average crum in the clip joint.
But if you wanna get the real bulge against the competish,
you need to learn how to market yourself.
I think if we just changed a couple of small things
about you, convinced everyone you're a little
more traditional, you could go from pill to pip
quicker than the squirt of a ballyhoo!
Say hello to Maks!
Less cold fish, more ducky shincracker.
A true doll dizzy that gets the cookies baking!
I'm-- I'm not sure it's me.
Don't give me the goose, Maks!
You just have to change who you are,
and then it will become you!
- I don't know. - I don't make the rules.
I'm just here to tell you how the algorithm works.
And if you want people to like you,
this is what you have to do.
So, she sets out to rebrand me.
And it works.
Next thing you know, sponsorships are lining up.
Hi, I'm Max. I am 100 percent human.
Are you sick of drinking things that are not Glorp?
Try Glorp.
She upgrades all our equipment,
even builds us this awesome shrink ray,
so I can enlarge and pilot her.
And once we're working together, we're unstoppable.
So, I live the Mecha-star lifestyle for a bit.
I'm rich, bitch!
And it's great because I finally get
all the validation that I craved for so long.
Max is like, the ultimate...
You're the best there is, Max!
I'm a huge fan of Max.
Oh, man, Max, I love you so much!
But it all just felt like this drug
with diminishing returns.
I'm having fun! This is cool! I-- You know, this is great!
And I started to wonder, do I even like Mecha Fighting?
Or is it just some alpha male team power fantasy
about domination that compensates
for my fragile masculinity?
As soon as I started doubting myself,
we start tanking.
Maxy! We're all wet! What's gumming up the works?
Is it the giggle juice? The Cadillacs?
The khacki wackys? Talk to me!
It's-- it's everything.
I can't keep pretending to be someone that I'm not.
It's high time we flipped the script!
You didn't like the playboy lifestyle.
You were forced to conform with society's expectations
of what a man should be.
But deep down, you're a relationship guy!
Abandoned by your mother, heartbroken as a teen,
you were lost and alone.
But then you realized that the one
you were looking for the whole time
was right in front of you.
Yeah. Uh, wait, what?
You were looking for me! Ah.
Oh.
Monetizing our false authenticity
slapped a Band-Aid on things for a while.
But then I ran into you.
Have you found love?
And it was like being splashed in the face
with cold water.
So, I broke up with her.
How did she react?
It's the perfect chisel. Oh!
We can each write tell-all memoirs
with conflicting versions of events.
Force people to take sides! Ah! We'll break cyberspace!
And people got very angry.
Wow! How could you do this to her?
You suck, man!
She'll be better off without you.
So, I just wanna thank you.
I had this illusion of who I was.
And it was built off the approval
of complete strangers,
but you just cut right through it.
Seeing how in love you actually were
made me realize that what I had
was just selfish ego.
What you did, giving yourself over to someone else...
it was inspiring.
- What? - Oh, man.
Buckle up. I'm going back far.
Okay. So, beginning of the universe.
Big Bang. Atoms combine. Intelligent life forms develop.
Among all the amazing sentient creatures in the universe,
I am born not into the body of a centaur, or an elf,
or a Goblin,
but into the body of a shitty, non-magical human.
Then one day, Moebius contacts me
through the dream dimension. And he basically was like...
Molli, I am the demi-god Moebius.
You are a human, yet I sense magic within you.
And I was basically like...
Oh, my God. What? But that's impossible.
No. The prophecy has foretold
the next evolution of humanity.
You must join me.
And together, we will quest and defeat the conformistines.
Yes! We will defeat the conformistines.
Sorry, who are they?
Evil ghost spirit warriors of Dethos,
the god of death.
So, what do you say? Will you join me?
Is it like, a full-time thing or like, a part-time thing?
This is like, a huge opportunity.
No. No, no. I know. I know.
I've always wanted to go to quest.
Like, um, it just, uh--
I was gonna wait to tell you this,
but the truth is you are the chosen one.
Whoa! Whoa.
So, I leave behind everyone
and everything I've ever known.
And I become a Passionaut.
Moebius teaches us to channel our magic
through power crystals.
And the next thing you know...
...I'm a level seven space witch.
We engage in these epic battles across space and time.
We're shooting lasers
and conformistines are firing lightning.
And I learned how to divide myself from my feelings,
and allow my consciousness to flow
through astral projections.
I feel powerful. I feel confident.
I feel like everything I do is dripping with meaning.
- Yes! - Great job, Molli.
We did it. They're dead!
You are clearly the chosen one.
So, now, I choose you to have drinks with me.
The more I spend time with him,
the more I feel like Moebius and I are soulmates.
Oh, yeah. Ride that tentacle.
Beat it up like it owes you money.
That's the spot.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
I'm done.
But I can sense that the other students
are jealous of my unique special relationship
with Moebius, and this guy Walterius is like...
Hey, isn't it wonderful that we all have our own
special and unique relationship with Moebius?
And I'm like...
What's the supposed to mean?
I just meant what I just said.
Okay, yeah. Totally.
Well, maybe you should like, focus less on that
and more on how we're gonna defeat
- the conformistines. - You're right.
- Yeah. - I am sorry.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Everything was great for a while.
But then slowly, things started changing.
I don't understand. What's wrong?
I don't understand. You feel really distant.
I'm fine.
Are you here? Are you present?
All right, you got me. I'm just protecting myself
because I know you're going to leave me.
What? No! Never! Never! I love you.
I do not perceive time linearly.
I have seen multiple futures
and you almost always leave me.
Sometimes, I doubt your commitment.
I'm-- I'm committed. I'm so committed!
I'm-- I'm like, the most committed.
I'm sorry I doubted you. I'm a monster.
What? No, you're not.
You're not-- you're not a monster.
Yes, I am. I'm an ugly monster with ugly tentacles.
No, no! Shh! There, just focus on me.
There, there. Just focus.
Mm! Yes, yes!
Oh, oh. Okay.
I have finished.
Now, I'm going to go have sex with everyone else.
Uh, what? Sorry?
I'm going to have sex with everyone else.
- You knew that. - I-- Wait. What? I'm sorry.
Uh, I thought I was the chosen one.
There are many chosen ones. Love is not selfish.
Love is unconditional.
I love all creatures except the conformistines.
- They suck. - Oh. Um...
You never asked if I was having sex
with everyone else.
If you asked if I was having sex
with everyone else,
I would have told you
I was having sex with everyone else.
- Stop attacking me. - Okay. Okay. No, you're right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Right. That's, um... It's on me.
Your apology is accepted.
So, I double down. I really commit to the idea
of love transcending monogamy and all that.
I tell myself that's just what love is.
A rollercoaster of jealousy, and passion,
- and lots of group sex. - Hi! Come!
But then one day, I run into you.
Well, if I'm being honest with you,
I think you're in a cult.
It was like you planted the seed of doubt within me
that slowly grew.
- Hey, Walterius? - Hmm?
Are we in a cult? Yeah, definitely.
You know, sometimes, I think it's weird,
but man, I just really wanna get revenge
on the conformistines. They did kill my whole family,
and replaced my hand with a lobster claw, so...
Plus, we all wear the same thing.
We wear like slightly different things.
There's a documentary about us.
- Right. No, I saw that. - Yeah.
I just thought, um, I don't know,
it doesn't seem that bad, though.
Yeah.
The testimonials were pretty creepy.
Okay. Okay.
But we just ignored it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. - And we're happy here.
Yeah, totally. We're so happy, right?
Sorry, I'm meditating.
No, that's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, if you don't mind. Thank you so much.
And eventually, it dawns on me
that in my quest for independence
from hierarchical society, I have ironically allowed
my entire identity to be subsumed
by someone else's.
Anyways, I kinda just ignored that for a while,
and eventually, we all transfigure
our mind energy together in order to vaporize
and defeat the conformistines.
But then Moebius is like...
Everyone, stop partying.
This is just a small respite in a 1,000-year crusade.
The dark forces of Dethos shall return,
and sneak up on us.
- Oh, gosh. Really? - Sorry, question.
Um, if you can see the future, can't you just tell us
when they're gonna sneak up on us?
Mm-mm. That's not how it works.
Okay. Then how does it work?
I would explain, but your human brain
is too small to comprehend.
Right. Right, right, right.
If you wish to reach level eight magic,
you must begin training immediately,
and stop asking so many questions.
Let's get to it then, I guess.
Okay. You know what? You know what?
I'm sick of this. I'm leaving! Who's coming with me?
- No one's coming with you. - Okay. Well, I'm leaving!
And I'm taking the fish. You suck! Bye!
See, I knew you'd leave. I totally called it.
Oh. He can see the future. Bow down, man.
What are you waiting for? What... Oh!
So, I threw my power crystals
into the trash dimension, and head home to Megalopolis.
I just feel really confused.
And how does that make you feel?
I literally just said it. It makes me feel confused.
What I'm confused about is the whole magic thing.
What's up with that?
I don't know. I-- I think I have some sort of like,
illness, or mutation, or something.
And how does that make you feel?
- Damn. That sounds horrible. - Yeah.
But I really wanted to thank you
for planting that seed.
Seeing you reminded me of who I was before Moebius,
and eventually, I realized that was the real me.
So, what are you doing now?
Trying to find a good therapist.
- How's that? - Harder than dating.
Hmm.
Oh. Uh, and I'm gonna go back to school for Terraforming.
What about magic?
Apparently, magically-inclined humans are a result
of exposure to toxic fumes as a child.
There's a big class-action lawsuit about it.
What about you?
Well, I have a few more years in the league.
Uh, and I gotta start thinking about the future
'cause I can't Mecha Fight forever, so...
And not work-wise?
Well, I want a relationship.
A real one.
But I don't know if cyber-dating
is the right place to find one.
- Mm. - Yeah.
Could you help me set up my profile?
'Cause I don't want a real one.
So, that's actually kinda perfect for me.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
- Yeah, sure. - Okay.
- Ready? - Yeah.
I tried really hard, I did a bunch of takes. Okay.
Hi! I'm Molli.
Um, I am looking for a male-identifying
individual, all species welcome.
But I guess I'm not really looking
for anything too magical
at the moment. A little bit about me.
I'm a student at Space University.
Go, Nebulas!
And one of the reasons I'm so old
and just starting school is I was in a cult!
Uh, and yes, it was a sex cult.
And no, I am not into that anymore.
Um, if that doesn't scare you away, uh, that's kinda weird.
So, I guess I actually don't even wanna date you.
Anyways, uh, call me.
Yeah. I mean, how do you like it?
Yeah. Um... I mean, yeah. If-- I'm-- I don't know.
Um...
I think you could do it again.
I mean, what's your profile?
Hi. My name is Max.
Are you serious?
That's it. There's no more?
Look. It's just enough to get them interested.
If I tell them I'm half fish-person
or where I'm from, they're just gonna not click.
- Really? That's so messed up. - I mean, it's fine.
It's not a huge part of my identity.
I want people to judge me based on my choices.
Ugh! That's actually my worst nightmare.
All right. Let's get started.
All right. This is gonna be good.
Yep. You go first.
Hey, there. How you doing?
My name's Achilles.
I'm looking for a girl who's spontaneous,
creative, interesting.
Someone who speaks a minimum of six languages.
Someone who has won at least three
of those radio call-in contests.
Someone who is exactly 2 meters tall.
No more, no less.
And most important of all,
someone who has got a birthmark
on her left arm, uh,
between her elbow and her wrist.
I'm looking for my ex-girlfriend Pamela. Um--
Mm-mm, no. Okay.
Hey, I'm Janus.
I'm a Scorpio rising, and Aries descending,
A Taurus on Monday, Wednesday, Friday,
and a Capricorn on Thursdays, but only at 3:00 p.m.
- Nah. - Also, I--
Hey, there. I'm Leonidas.
I shelter rescue animals. I go to therapy regularly.
I have a healthy relationship with my mother.
And oh, I'm also a five-star chef.
- Ugh! - Whoa! He seemed normal.
Yeah, too normal.
Are you trying to find somebody to fix?
- Maybe! Shit. Is that bad? - Probably.
My turn.
Hello. My name's Phaedra.
I work in Human and Alien Resources
- at a tech startup-- - Nah.
Wait! You literally didn't even give her
one full sentence. I'm very picky.
- That is accurate. - Yes. So...
Okay, look. Neither of us are qualified to make
big life decisions on our own behalf.
So, about you pick my dates and I pick yours?
Okay. Wait. Yeah. Fine.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Okay.
Don't pick anyone ugly.
Hi. My name's Max.
I'm Phaedra.
- Hi, I'm Molli. - Hi, I'm Leonidas.
- Wanna hangout? - Yes.
I mean, it's not that any of those people were even, like,
bad or mean. They were all just so...
- Boring? - Yeah!
So, is it my serve or your serve now?
I serve on all prime numbers unless you're wearing purple,
in which case if you score on my prime serve,
then we divide the points by the square root of two.
- Right, right. Okay, okay. - Right. And no sliceys.
- Okay. - Thank you.
Maybe we should just date each other.
Are you-- are you being serious?
No! No. I mean like, that-- that'd be crazy.
Why?
- Wait. Are-- are you serious? - Yeah.
I mean, we're pretty much dating already anyways.
- I mean, minus the sex. - Well, yeah.
But that's the part that always makes everything
so complicated.
Yeah. But why does it have to?
I don't know. Let's have sex.
Let's just have sex. Yeah!
- Yeah! - Let's just do it!
- Let's just have sex. - Let's just have sex.
Let's have sex!
Like, I actually can't tell if you're being serious
or if you're kidding. I can't-- Um, are you-- I can't tell.
I'm kidding! I'm joking!
- Right! - I'm joking.
Right. Yeah.
- Obviously. - I was laughing the whole time.
Yeah.
So, is it your serve now?
Uh, no. It's Thursday, so it's yours.
- Right. Okay. - Yeah.
Okay.
I just wish there was a way that we could, like, try it out
without the risk of ruining of what we already have.
You know what I mean?
What if we got a Pubox?
- Whoa. - Uh, hello.
Is this-- is this working?
Uh, hello. Is this thing working?
- Hello! - Hi!
Hi. Uh, so, we were thinking that you guys
in your parallel universe would give it a go
and then report back to us.
In that way, if it turns out to be a disaster,
then at least we have a backup.
Yeah, we know. I was you 10 seconds ago
before our universes split, so...
- Right. - Well, have fun.
Don't-- don't do anything that I wouldn't do.
Well, he's you, so...
Yeah, so, do the things that I would do.
- Yeah. Yeah, exactly. - Yeah.
- Okay. - But have fun doing it.
- Just hang up. - Okay.
- Bye! - All right, bye.
- Bye! - Goodbye!
- Ready? - Yeah.
Okay.
- Hey, how's it going? - Hey, how's it going?
Yeah. You know, good. Uh, I mean, define good, right?
He's terrified of conflict.
He'll just pretend like things are okay instead of saying
how he actually feels.
So-- so yeah, you know, uh, not bad at all.
I just wish he would talk to me, like, communicate better.
Gotcha. Gotcha.
One thing I will say, she's kind of extreme
with her opinions. You know what I mean?
Like, there's no-- there's no real gray area.
I don't know. It's horrible.
It's actually the worst decision we ever made.
He so desperately needs to be liked.
Just like, it's pathetic.
And then I'm just not attracted to him anymore.
Uh, he said it's going well. What did yours say?
Uh, give me one second.
He does this thing where he says,
"That's interesting," instead of like, saying
how he actually feels.
Um, yeah she-- she said it's going good.
Interesting.
Is it interesting? What do you really think?
- Whoa! - Um, sorry.
Yeah.
I don't know if you've ever experienced this,
but she has a hard time controlling her magic, you know?
Like, her astral projections like, have no concern
for other people's feelings or my feelings especially.
And then I astral project, and then he gets upset.
And then it's just a cycle over and over again.
And some days are great. And other days are just so bad.
And it's like "Dude, calm down."
Have you tried talking to her about this?
Why? What did he say about me to your Max?
What are you hearing? What is she saying?
- I should break up with him. - Oh, God. Is she gonna end it?
I should just end it.
I should break up with her before she breaks up with me.
No, no, no. Don't-- don't break up with her.
I knew from the beginning this was a bad idea.
I mean, she's always complaining, you know,
about me leaving the toilet seat up.
Why don't you just talk to him and tell him how you feel?
Are you kidding?
What I need to do is withdraw further.
What I need to do is spend as much time with her as possible.
I mean, the fact of the matter is that if he actually likes me,
there's probably something wrong with him.
You're just not compatible. All right? Ugh! I gotta go.
Learn from our mistakes.
Just don't do it.
Damn.
We dodged a laser beam with that one.
Yeah. Thank science we didn't actually
go through with it.
- He said that you-- - She said that you--
We don't-- we don't have to get into it.
Yeah.
We don't have to talk about it.
Well, that settles it.
We're better off as friends.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah.
He is a demon from the trash-dimension,
and she's a human woman with eczema.
I'm Bryan Oceancolgate, and you're watching a show
where you decide the fate of a galaxy.
Thank you so much! Thank you.
Ugh! I hate this show so much,
but I also feel like we have to watch it
like, in order to stay informed.
Now, our first question is if you were ruler
of the galaxy, what would you choose
as your favorite ice cream flavor?
I would say red flavor.
Red? How interesting.
The color of eczema.
Bryan, I do not have eczema anymore.
We have covered this every week.
I used to have it when I was a teenager.
But now, today, do not have eczema.
Hmm. Well, just 'cause we don't see it
on your face, love, doesn't mean
it's not anywhere else, don't it?
Right, right.
What are you suggesting? That's so inappropriate--
Okay. If you just shush and stop hogging
all the air time, I can get on the next question.
So, um, that's gonna go to you, Turboschmuck.
Same question.
Thank you.
Whoo! We love you, Turboschmuck!
Uh, first of all, I just wanna say
we all know that Rachel has a real pimply vagina, right?
No, I do not!
- No? Prove it. - What? No! No!
I'm willing to show my genitalia to everyone in this room.
- Are you? - No.
I didn't think so.
Bryan, back to your excellent question.
Back when I was just a young demon,
sucking the life force out of lost souls
stuck in the trash dimension,
we didn't have these fancy ice cream flavors like red.
We had to make our own.
So, I came up with a little something I like to call
a "pee-pee snowcone".
Because if there is one thing that I learned during my time
in the trash dimension, it's that life is suffering.
And there is no sweet release
except for death itself.
All roads lead to the trash dimension.
So, if I'm chosen as the ruler of the galaxy,
I promise I will alleviate that suffering by providing
alternate life to all citizens, especially the fish-people.
What does alternate life mean?
- Alt-life means death. - Oh. So, like genocide.
Yeah. I mean, we're about due for another one.
I mean, there's no way he's gonna make it
past the dance round.
I mean, can he even hold a tune?
I'm not some lying politician. I'm telling the truth here.
I'm gonna try to kill as many of you as I can,
and you know what? You heard it here first.
I think that we should merge reality
with the trash dimension!
Are you with me?
- What? - Stop. Thank you. Thank you.
I mean, I have low expectations from humanity,
but they can't be dumb enough to pick this guy. It's just--
I mean, don't be so sure. I don't know.
I used to think about the future with so much hope.
But now, I just associate it with anxiety.
Like, did you hear that the whole universe
is gonna be destroyed by a black hole
- in about 15 years? - Really?
Why isn't everybody freaking out about this?
Lots of people are.
It's just not like, at the top of anyone's mind.
Wow.
Yeah. And the worst part is scientists know
exactly what we have to do to stop it.
What's that?
All we have to do is stop eating cheese.
- What? - I don't know.
Something about the process of making cheese.
It makes holes. Everyone thought it was harmless
But like, Swiss cheese is okay because the holes are there.
But when you make cheese without the holes,
the holes have to go somewhere. Bam! Black holes.
Then we all have to stop eating cheese, right?
People really like cheese.
I mean, is it really worth the end of the world?
- I mean-- - No! Not at all.
But I mean, it would require everyone to stop eating cheese.
And that's not gonna happen any time soon.
So, make sure to tune in next week to watch
our two contestants in the juggling challenge.
- Here's another one. - Oh.
Here's another one.
Brought to you by CheeseCorp, our wonderful, wholesome,
beautiful corporation that would never lie to you.
I mean, the whole universe is going to shit.
Like, we should really-- we should do something about it,
you know, instead of just sitting around, complaining.
- Yeah. - Right?
Yeah.
- Wow. Um... - Hello.
Hi. Uh, we're here on behalf of Rachel
- for emperor of the galaxy. - But her eczema!
I am voting for Turboschmuck.
Turbo! Turbo!
Hi! Uh, we are here on behalf of Rachel's campaign
for emperor of the galaxy.
Oh. Rachel's got my vote.
Yeah! She, like, whooped Turboschmuck
in the hot-dog eating contest.
You are awesome.
Thank you for being great
and not a completely insane person, so...
Please though protect the fish-people, okay?
- Yes! - I cut gills into my skin
in solidarity.
Oh, my lord.
Don't look away. Look at my gills.
- Yeah. Okay. - Yeah.
- That's... Yeah. - You wanna come inside?
Oh. Um, we--
we have a lot of canvassing to do.
- Tons of canvassing. - Tomorrow?
Tomorrow? All day. Today and tomorrow.
- Yeah. - What about the next day?
Thank you so much for your time.
For your time, thank you so much.
- Really appreciate it. - I love you, guys.
- And we love you, too. - Love you, too.
- I love you, guys. - Okay.
Never forget you.
Oh, my gods.
Hi!
We're here on behalf of Rachel
- for emperor of the galaxy. - Whoa, Molli?
- Walter? - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
- Uh, do-- do you live here? - Yeah.
- That is Walter. We were... - In a cult together.
- Yeah! - We were in a cult together.
Oh. Uh, that Walter.
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
- Uh, lobster claw Walter. - Guilty as charged. That's me.
Yeah. Nice to meet you, dude.
Wow! It is really good to see you.
It's crazy! You look really good.
Um...
So, Rachel uh, is running for emperor of the galaxy.
- Yeah. - And we would love
- to talk to you-- - What have you been up to?
Like, what have you been doing?
We should um, catch up sometime.
You lost the beard. I mean...
- Yeah! - It's really working for you.
But you still have the claw. That's great.
- Oh. - Max!
- Shit! - Yes!
How's it going with Walter?
Good. Yeah. It's good. I'm molding him.
I think it's working.
Molding? Do you really have to mold him?
Definitely. He's very positive...
...all the time. So, you know, just trying to get him
to be like, a little more judgmental,
like have opinions about things. You know what I mean?
Yes! You know, he's teaching me stuff, too.
Like he taught me some strategies on how to repress
my magic, and they're totally working.
Do you really need to repress it?
Definitely! It's very different that it was with Moebius.
And I'm learning that love
doesn't have to be a rollercoaster.
It can just be like, slow, and boring,
and uneventful!
'Cause that's what an adult relationship is.
Triangulon works in mysterious ways, you know?
You know, I've really enjoyed being alone.
Giving me some time to be with me, you know?
- Time to reflect. - Yeah, exactly!
Like, there are so many other important things in life.
You know, like your hobbies and your friends.
Yes!
- Shut up! - Fuck, yeah!
You know, it made me realize that ambition is overrated.
There's always a higher level.
So, why don't just be happy with the level you're at?
But do you still enjoy Mecha Fighting?
Yeah. I think so.
It's just hard to separate the politics
from the real thing, you know?
Plus, like you said, there are more important things
like friendships and hobbies!
Exactly! You know, like, I really thought that
terraforming was gonna be a way to create life on other planets.
And then I realized that 90 percent of the industry
is built on extracting wealth and bleeding nature dry.
It's basically geological gentrification.
But it's pretty much impossible not to work
for a big, evil corporation these days.
So, I just realized that I have to separate
my work life from my personal life.
So, when the clock strikes 5:00 p.m.,
I'm just outta there!
Yeah, I read an article the other day
that said that the first time you feel an emotion
is the strongest.
After that, it's just watered down
and it is never the same.
Yeah, exactly!
Now, we're all just chasing a high
that we're never gonna get!
That's why it's important to focus on things
other than your personal life, and your love life,
and your career!
- Like hobbies! - And friends!
Yes!
Good game.
Yeah, good game. Super fun.
Yeah. See you next Saturday? Uh, yes.
Definitely. Oh, hey. I've been meaning to ask you.
Um, where do you get all your turtlenecks from?
Uh, I get them from Bargle.com.
It's kinda like the Gormble.com of turtlenecks.
- Okay, cool. - Yeah. Why?
- Oh, I wanna get one for Walter. - What?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm buying him a new wardrobe.
All of his shirts are gross.
Can't he dress himself? - He can, yeah.
But I don't know. He's just like a simple guy.
Like, he doesn't even have a passport.
I asked him the other day if he had unlimited currency,
where he would go, and he said Nebulon-Four.
Nebulon-Four? Isn't that, like, 15 minutes away?
Yeah, exactly.
So, I'm like working on expanding his horizons.
I'm worried he's gonna tell me he loves me soon.
- He keeps hinting at it. - Hold on.
What if we're at the same thing together
and we're wearing the same shirt?
- That's never gonna happen. - Okay.
Um, hi. Hi. I'm sorry.
Um, I know I'm not supposed to do this.
But so, I hope this isn't too awkward.
But I noticed you playing, and I just wanted
to introduce myself. I am a huge fan of yours.
- Oh! Thank you so much. - Yeah.
I've seen like, all your Mecha matches.
- Oh, wow. - And I think you're awesome.
And, like-- Oh. Oh, my gosh. Oh! I'm so sorry.
I just interrupted your date. That was not my intention.
- And I'm so sorry-- - No!
No, no, no. This is not-- this is not a date.
- Yeah, no. - Yeah.
- Oh. - This is my friend.
Good friend Molli.
- Oh, cool. - Yeah.
- Hey. - Hi.
- I'm Cassie. - Molli. Nice to meet you.
Yeah. I don't wanna hold you up. Uh, don't you have to go?
What?
Uh, don't you have an appointment?
Oh! Uh, yeah. Mm. Yes. No. Yeah.
I have an appointment, uh, with the doctor.
Oh.
Because I have a terminal illness that is incurable.
- Oh, my gosh. Oh. - Yes, I know.
Clock's ticking. Time is running out. Days are numbered.
But you two enjoy.
Have fun, kids!
- That's so sad. - Yeah.
No, she's kidding. She's joking.
- What-- what? She's not dying? - No, no, she's not.
- No. - Oh.
She's dying on the inside.
That's hilarious. It was a funny joke.
Yeah.
Really, dude? With a fan?
Yeah. I think she's really cool.
By cool, do you mean hot?
Look. I don't do one-night stands,
but we've been on a few dates, and you know,
I know this might be really early to say,
but I think she might be the one.
- You're kidding. - No.
There's like, this energy about her. I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
Is it that she's very young and she hasn't been
ground down by the insufferable existence
of everyday life yet?
She's two years younger than us.
Two years on what planet?
- Hilarious. - What does she do?
Uh, she does cybermedia for this hypershield company.
Oh. She gave me one. Check it out.
It's kinda cool.
- Do you need a hypershield? - No.
It will probably break down in a week,
and I'll throw it in the trash dimension.
But anyways, that's just her day job.
She's really into biohacking. Like tech stuff. Like me.
Like sometimes, we'll be in the same room,
and we'll both be looking at our phones,
and we don't feel the need to fill the silence
all the time.
- It's just-- it's nice. - Wow.
That-- Yeah, that's cool. It's great.
It sounds very deep. Very awesome.
Why do you have to be like that?
It's just you're my best friend.
And I-- I have high standards for you. That's all.
I just don't want you to settle.
Well, I appreciate that.
It's just--
it would mean a lot to me if you two became friends, you know?
Okay.
I will make a sincere effort.
You promise?
I promise.
So, like, that's why I replace one of my eyeballs
with a digiball is so that I can just type
by looking around, you know?
Like, I just texted like, three friends back,
and you had no idea what I was doing.
- No idea. - Crazy!
- Didn't know. Zero idea. - It's amazing.
That's amazing. That's-- Uh, what happened to your foot?
Oh, this?
This is so I can keep like, one foot in cyberspace
at all times. It's just like super dope.
Um, you know, what I'm dying to ask you,
serious talk.
What was Max like before he was famous?
Oh. Um, same old, you know? Like same old Max.
It's just I don't know, change is an illusion,
and we're all just like trapped within the confines
of our own inherited personalities anyways.
So, you know...
So, he was just like, born a genius?
- Uh-- - Oh, my God.
He's just, like-- He's so cool. You know what I mean?
And like, all his friends are so cool.
And, like, you're so-- I-- honestly,
I love the way you dress, too.
Like, you're so freaking cool. Did I already tell-- Oh, my God.
I'm babbling. I'm so sorry.
I know that I come across as like really annoying.
Really like super annoying, but I'm not as annoying
as I used to be, I promise you that.
I just, like-- I really want you to like me.
You know what I mean?
Like, you're really important to Max's life.
And so, that means you're important to me.
And I just really want you to like me.
Yeah. Mm-hmm. No, I do. Yeah. Yeah. No.
I li-- Yeah. Everyone likes you. Yeah.
Okay. - No, you are uh, liked!
Thank you. Yeah. Thank you.
You know, speaking of Max, should we go...
- Oh, go. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean like, if that's what you wanna do.
Like, yeah. Let's go.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Yeah. - Okay, um--
- We can-- Great, yeah. - Yeah, let's go.
People say I have really good ideas for robots. I don't know.
If you ever wanna--
Oh, sorry. She told me not to do that.
Uh, yeah.
I'm a rebel.
Did you guys know you're wearing, like,
the exact same shirt right now?
Did you even realize that? Did you text and coordinate?
You know, a bunch of my clothes have gone missing lately,
and then I just found these two shirts in my closet.
And Molli was actually like,
"You've never looked more handsome!"
I know. It's hilarious, right?
It's hilarious. Shut up. Thank you.
Welcome back to So You Think You Can Rule The Galaxy?
For months, we've watched all competitors
debase themselves, and it's all come down to this,
the final statement.
All right. Uh, people of the galaxy,
you've seen me sing, you've seen me dance.
Uh, sorry about the singing.
You even watched as a doctor inspected my genitals on live TV
to prove without a doubt that there was no eczema down there,
and there wasn't. Free and clear.
And that still wasn't enough for a lot of you.
So, here's what I'll say.
There are actually a lot of really valid reasons
to dislike me.
I don't even like myself some days.
And you know, you should criticize me,
and you should hold me accountable for those things.
Boring. - But please take, like,
five minutes to think about why you hate me.
Whoo! Awkward.
That was absolutely awful. Turbs, what do you think?
Uh, Rachel's a bitch. Schmucky rules!
Uh, trash dimension all the way.
Vote Turboschmuck.
Yeah.
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.
Cheesecorp's News Division just called it for Turboschmuck.
No, that's impossible.
Oh, my God. My foot-- my foot's going crazy right now.
The winner and new ruler of the galaxy
is Turboschmuck!
What?
- Come over here. Get on. - Wow! Wow, wow.
Uh, first of all,
I just wanna say a big "eat shit" to all my fans
and the whole Turbo team.
I know things seem pretty bleak right now,
but I don't think he believes in any of that world war stuff
he was saying. He just said that to win.
Second, I would like to clarify that I really do believe
all of that horrible stuff that I said.
He's joking. - I'm not joking.
I'm going to kill you all.
And as soon as I can figure out how, I'm going to merge
our reality with the trash dimension.
- Thank you. - That's absolutely marvelous.
I can't believe this.
I'm getting so many texts right now.
Now, listen, T-Schmuck, what does this mean for you
in the black hole community?
Yeah. All the stupid pussies out there wanna avoid
the black hole. But now that it's Turb-o-clock,
we're gonna speed it up,
and bring that thing over here. Black hole time.
We'll make it happen.
Oh, my God!
Wait, you guys. Wait, wait, wait. I got it.
There's a post. There's a post that's going around right now,
and if we all repost it right now,
we're gonna be able to make a huge difference
and stop all these terrible things from happening, okay?
I'm sending it to you right now.
There we go. We're fighting back already.
Uh, posted. Viva la resistance! You know?
Wait. Did you post it?
Yeah, you just literally told me to.
You shouldn't have posted that. Wait, we can't post that.
That post means that we are the problem.
We are the ones causing all of the bad things to happen.
- Wait, we can't post that. Wait. - Okay.
Wait, they're also saying it means
that we hate the fish-people.
I don't hate-- I don't. Dude, I don't.
Oh, my God
I'm not technically a fish-person,
but I am fish-adjacent.
Look, you have to post an apology post right now.
You have to clarify that you love the fish-people.
- Do that right now. - I'm sorry, fish-people. Okay.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
Okay. Well, hey, maybe this is a good thing.
Okay.
How could it be a good thing, Walter?
Because now, people will wake up, right?
And they will come together, right?
And things will change. And we won't all die.
That'd be ridiculous. You know, maybe this is the best thing
that ever happened. It's my happiest day of my life!
Oh, my God. We have to stop eating cheese right now.
- Oh, wait. Oh, wait. - This cheese has to go.
Don't throw away really good cheese just
- because the world is ending. - We can't have the cheese here.
Why'd you even bring it? - Guys, calm down! Guys!
Listen to me. We are not throwing away the cheese!
I'm trying to save the world, Walter!
Everyone, stop!
Okay, okay, Molli? Hey, hey, hey.
Just remember how we used to do it, right?
Repress it. Bottle it up. Clinch it!
Stop, stop.
Molli? Look at me. Look at me. You're gonna be okay.
Breathe.
Focus.
I... I can't.
Um...
Show me that handshake we used to do.
Do you remember?
It goes, right?
Oh, that's right.
Come on.
Babe, are you okay?
Shut up, Walter.
How are you doing?
I'm fine. Time feels weird.
I kinda feel like I'm in a flashback,
- but also not. - Yeah.
They just keep changing the aspect ratio.
I used to think about the past with regret.
But now, I think about it with nostalgia.
You know how we have these single-biome planets?
You know, like ice planet, desert planet, uh, city planet.
I read this article where these archaeologists,
they found this ancient origin planet
where humans started before they, like, spanned out
throughout the galaxy,
and they had 15 different biomes.
It was paradise.
Yeah. I read an article that said the reason
no one lives on that planet anymore is because humans
destroyed it.
- So... - Ah. I'm only half human.
So, don't look at me.
I saw your post.
Hello, denizens of cyberspace. It's me, Max.
I'd like to publicly clarify that I am a fish-person.
That's right.
And I'm also against any and all policies
that have to do with murdering me and anyone like me.
Murder is murder.
And um... and smash and subscribe.
Why you gotta politicize things, Max?
I mean, I think you did the right thing.
- I'm sure that wasn't easy. - I mean, I did the bare minimum.
I don't even know if I made a difference.
It's so hard to know
if anything we do makes any difference.
- Yeah. So, what's new with you? - Nothing.
Oh. I think I finally found a good therapist, though.
- I feel really confused. - That's okay.
- Lots of people feel that way. - Really?
Yeah. Have you thought about getting a new
- power crystal for your magic? - No. I didn't know that I could.
I can write you a prescription. They're not for everyone.
But it might be worth a try.
It could help you regulate your magic a little bit.
Okay.
You are not alone. Plenty of people suffer
from these magic-related conditions.
I don't know. I finally feel like I understand
what's been going on in my brain.
I've never been so excited to not be special.
- That's great! - Yeah.
- Oh. And I quit my job. - Really?
- Yeah. - Wow!
I'm, like, really excited to take some time off.
How's the new job?
It's hard. Uh, but it's good. It's good. Yeah.
You know, the hours are long, and the pay is bad,
and um, the people are annoying.
Um, and the commute is terrible. Um, but I don't know.
It feels good to, um,
feel like I'm doing something that makes a small difference.
So... We're actually trying to put water back on Oceanus.
Oh, wow. Really? How's that going?
Very slowly. Yeah.
I have the workload of about three people.
But hey, at least there's two of me, right?
So...
She's mad at me right now, because I'm making her
use her powers for paper work.
I mean, it's nice to have a job where you can use your magic,
right?
Turns, out that most people who work for non-profits
are magical, or masochists, or both.
- What are you up to? - I'm building a robo-cycle.
Oh. Uh, I thought the league didn't allow this.
Oh, look at you. Knowing stuff about the league.
Oh, yeah. I don't know.
Walter watches the minor leagues,
and he kinda got me into it, so...
Well, it's not for the league. It's for me.
I'm trying to reinvigorate my passion for robotics
or something.
- That's great! - Yeah.
Also, I'm really sorry that Walter keeps pitching you
his stupid ideas for robots.
Oh, no worries. Everybody has an idea
for a robot they want me to build.
How are you and Walter doing?
Honestly, we're good.
We're like really good.
I think I'm gonna break up with Walter.
Really? Why?
He gave me a sword for my birthday.
- What? - Yeah.
It's like why would he think I want or need that?
What kind?
- It's a laser sword. - Oh.
I don't know what brand. Do you want it?
I-- No, I don't. Not really.
It has like, a really weird size.
It was like, made for an elf or something.
I don't know. Maybe it was a re-gift.
You don't still have that shrink ray, do you?
I don't.
I chucked it into the trash dimension.
All roads lead to the trash dimension.
Mm-hmm.
What's the appropriate amount of time to keep a gift
before you throw it away?
I don't know.
There are just some questions we'll never have any answers to.
Yeah. The whole thing feels like a sign.
Like, he doesn't even really know who I am.
And we're getting to that age where it's like
if you don't see a future with someone,
it doesn't make sense to stay in it
just because it's pleasant.
I feel like I'm at a similar crossroads with Cassie.
- Really? - What do you think of her?
Now that you know her, be honest.
Yeah, she's great.
You know, it doesn't matter what I think
as long as she makes you happy.
Yeah.
Do you like Walter?
I do. He has really grown on me. He's a-- he's a nice guy.
Yeah. He is nice. And yeah, no.
I shouldn't give up on him. You're right.
- I've made so much progress. - Yeah.
I feel like we're finally finding balance in our lives.
Yeah.
I'm cautiously optimistic about our future.
Yeah. Me, too.
Hey, did you hear those rumors
about how there's gonna be another plague?
What? There's not gonna be a plague.
- Okay? - No, you're right.
Hey, are you okay?
Did you lose your sense of taste?
I don't think so. I still hate reality TV. You?
Yeah. I watched a network TV show, and I was like,
"This is bad."
Did you hear that they have a lot
- of secret handshakes? - What?
Yeah, secret handshakes!
- No, they can't do that! - I know.
No!
It's almost impossible to enforce.
The entire world is going to shit!
- Hey! - It's all terrible!
- What? What's going-- - Everything is so messed up.
- Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. - It's awful, and it's bad.
- And it's-- - What is going on?
Walter broke up with me.
Oh.
Once he found out the plague was actually happening,
he went on this spiral, and started like babbling
about you know, how we only live once.
And I don't know.
He wants to spend his life with someone
who actually likes him.
He's an idiot, Molli. I'm sorry. I never liked him.
No, he was right. I didn't even like him.
The whole time, I was just repressing my feelings.
And now, they're all just pouring out of me.
Uh, well, maybe it's a good thing.
I don't know.
- What's wrong with me? - Hey.
Nothing is wrong with you. You're fine.
Come on. It doesn't have to mean anything.
- I know. I-- - It can just be fun.
I can't. No. No. I can't. I'm sorry.
Um,
I don't wanna be your rebound.
Yeah. Um, yeah. Okay. Uh, I'm sorry.
Me and Cassie are moving to Oceanus
to be closer to my dad until the plague is over.
What? Um... you-- you hate your dad.
Well, things are better, you know?
He's been going to therapy, and...
So, you're like doubling down on Cassie? Really?
Yeah.
Okay. Uh...
well, I think you're making a huge mistake.
I mean, she's nice, but come on.
- Max, you can do better. - Don't do that.
Don't try to bring me down, because you're drowning.
I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just being honest.
I-- You know, I--
If your friends won't tell you the truth, who will?
Okay. Well, if we're being honest,
then why did you just try to kiss me?
- I don't know. Okay? - You don't know?
I'm stupid and-- and-- and-- insecure.
I don't know. It was stupid. I don't know.
Okay. You know what? I'm gonna go for it.
Um...
- I'm in love with you. - No. Don't do that.
Yeah. And I've loved you for a long time.
- Come on. - And-- and-- and
I think you feel the same way.
Okay. Uh, what about Cassie? You're--
10 seconds ago, you guys were moving in together.
And now, you're in love with me?
- Do you love me or not? - Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean for this to turn into some-- some big thing.
- I-- I-- - Do you love me or not?
It's not fair to give some big ultimatum, Max.
- I think you do love me. - Of course, I love you.
Of course, I love you.
Okay? But we tried the Pubox, and it didn't work.
Things-- things are different, you know? We've changed.
Have we?
I don't feel different.
I don't think you're different.
I...
We shouldn't just like, jump into what could become
an unhealthy relationship because--
We're already in an unhealthy relationship.
Can't you see that?
I'm sorry.
I don't know what I want.
Um...
I don't know who I am, and um...
I love you. Uh, I just don't--
I don't know if it's the right type of love.
Right.
Okay.
- Okay? - Yeah. You're right.
Uh, we're going in circles. There's no point doing that.
Okay.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna leave.
- No, don't go. - Yeah. I-- I wanna leave.
Come on. You know, just stay, and like hang out, and--
- 'Cause-- cause - No.
I just-- I don't want you to leave.
Yeah, I just think I should.
There's nothing I can say to make you stay?
Yeah, there is.
I just don't think you're gonna say it.
Yeah.
All right. Well, I love you.
I love you, too.
Hey. You've reached Max's message machine.
Um, leave me a message or don't.
Whatever you want really.
Hey, Max! Uh, it's me uh, Molli.
Um, yeah, it's been a while. So, um--
Hey, Max! It's Molli.
Would love to hang out.
Stop avoiding me.
Max! What's up?
Can you just call me back?
Um, I'm worried. Um--
I get it.
Uh, I will stop calling,
and give you some space.
No pun intended.
- Quantum zone, this is Max. - Hey! Hey!
Hey! Sorry, quantum zone is both busy and not busy
at the same time.
Uh, what? What-- what's the quantum zone?
Oh, quantum zone. Okay, that's great.
Good question. Uh, you ever heard of Schroödinger's cat?
What? No.
In quantum mechanics, there's this theory
about Schroödinger's cat.
They take this cat, and they put it in a box
with a radioactive vial.
And since you can't see inside the box,
the cat technically is both alive and dead
- at the same time. - Okay?
So, anyways, that cat took that idea and uh,
turned it into a podcast.
And then they took the podcast, and they adapted it
into its own dimension. And it's crazy. It's wild.
Everything's just topsy-turvy, and upside down, and--
Anyways, sorry I missed your calls,
I was on the other line, uh, with you.
- What? - It makes perfect nonsense.
Just trust me.
Uh, well, I thought you were on Oceanus.
- Are you okay? - Yeah! I'm okay. I'm okay.
And I'm not okay. Uh, I quit the league?
- What? - I don't know.
What's the point in making robots anymore?
Because it makes you happy.
I think I just need a pivot, and I think there's a value
in knowing when to give up and move on.
Like uh, me and Cassie broke up.
Oh. Um...
I'm so sorry to hear that.
No. It's fine. Uh, we were on Oceanus.
And it was very quantum zone-y.
And we were together, but I was never really there.
- You know what I mean? - Wait. Um...
I just-- I'm sure-- Sorry.
Are we okay?
Yes. You and I are fine. But we're also not fine.
I think we're gonna end up being just like those friends
who kinda like meet up once a year,
and have some like, wistful lingering resentment
about how things could have been,
- but they weren't. - I-- I don't want that, though.
No, no, no! Me neither.
Look, when the plague never ends,
you and I are gonna retreat outside,
and we're gonna eat some beverages. Deal?
Max, I'm-- I'm worried about you.
No, no, no! Don't be. I'll see you soon.
Okay, I gotta go. You're calling on the other line.
Okay. All right. Bye. Quantum zone, this is Max.
Hey! Sorry, quantum zone is both busy and not busy
at the same time.
Cool.
Warning.
Warning. Black hole approaching.
- I'm just looking. - Warning.
Warning. Black hole approaching.
- Calm down. - Warning, warning.
Black hole approaching.
- Warning, warning. - Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Black hole approaching.
Shit, shit, shit. - Warning. Warning.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Black hole approaching.
Molli?
Black hole approaching.
Molli.
Warning. Black hole approaching.
- Molli! - Warning. Warning.
Black hole approaching.
Molli!
Excuse me. What do you think you're doing?
Um, what's-- what's going on?
What does it look like it's going on?
- Oh, my God. Are you... - Triangulon, god of love.
- Ever heard of me? - Oh, shit.
- Um, I'm such a big fan. - Oh, my me. Thank you!
You're so sweet. Okay, listen.
I am here to help you in your time of need.
So, what troubles you, my child?
Why are we hanging out next to black holes?
Oh! Uh...
That. Um, yeah.
- I-- I was just looking at it. - Come on, Molli! Be real.
What's going on?
I don't know. Uh...
It's like you grow up,
and you read these stories of great adventure,
about heroes who are born to these epic destinies, right?
And every step of their journey means something,
and it all adds up.
And then-- and then we think that our lives
are gonna turn out like that, right?
And in reality, we have no idea if the objects
that we acquire along the way
are talismans or just trash, you know?
Like, like if we are the heroes of our own story
or just the background character in someone else's.
Holy shit, dude! That was deep. Wow.
Okay.
Everything you just said is true.
But the good news, love is the answer.
Yeah. Crazy, right?
I am love. I'm the answer.
- Fuck you. - Excuse me?
That's what you're gonna fucking say to me right now? Fuck you!
- Fuck you! - Fuck you!
I am a god! You cannot talk to me like that.
I can talk to you however the fuck I wanna talk to you!
Shit!
I am so bad at this.
Stupid! So stupid, Triangulon! Why can't I do anything right?
Oh. Uh, no. I-- It's okay.
No, it's not okay. I suck.
What?
I'm kind of a fickle bitch.
I show up late to things all the time.
I ask my friends to borrow money.
I cause a lot of wars.
People do things in my name all the time.
And I'm like, "Dude, not cool."
But I also like, provide meaning and stuff.
Yeah. I mean, totally. That-- that's a lot.
I don't know.
The universe hardens our tushies.
It can turn us into bitter, mean creatures
grasping for control and meaning,
and it's freaking hard to stay open and empathetic
in a world that is constantly telling you,
"You're a worthless piece of shit."
So, the only way to get through it is to find my ass.
How do I find your ass?
Generally, I like dark, damp places,
not too much sunlight. I love crystals.
I chill inside them a lot. They're dope.
Let's see. I'm inside magic.
And uh, I really like to hang out inside people.
People who make you feel valued,
who acknowledge your weaknesses along with your strengths.
Who see you for who you really are
and who you can be.
Max. It's always been Max.
- Who? - Max!
No, dude. I'm talking about you!
I am inside you. Gosh!
Plus, Max is stuck in the quantum zone,
and he's not getting out of there.
Wait, what? What do you mean?
Uh, the quantum zone is kinda like the trash dimension,
or like a music festival parking lot
where it's relatively easy to get in there.
But once you wanna leave, it's like impossible to get out.
What you should really be worried about
is that black hole.
What are you gonna do about that?
Uh, I thought you were gonna save me from it.
Oh, emotionally, yes.
But physically, no. You're on your own there.
Oh. Uh-- Hey!
I'ma poop you out now. Good luck, Molli!
- And remember-- - What? Wait!
- I'm the opposite of capitalism. - What? What?
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I am inside you.
I feel like the whole rivalry between cats and dogs
is just overrated. I never understood it.
No? Everybody-- Okay.
Catch you later!
It's okay. I have insurance!
I wanna be with you if you're still open to that.
I don't think it's that easy.
It isn't, is it? Classic quantum zone, right?
I wish you were wrong, but I think you were right.
I don't think we've actually changed.
I've been there and um, it's a hopeless way to live.
Yeah, but what if it's true, though?
Life is so complex and overwhelming.
And it's so hard to figure out what's
real and what isn't,
what matters and what doesn't.
Whether your feelings betray you
or if they are your only compass.
But what I do know is that you're the person
who's always been there to help me
figure those things out.
I know that change is real, because you've changed me.
Our past experiences make us who we are,
but they don't define us.
- Then what does? - A million things.
The things we do and the things we don't,
by our successes and our failures.
Things about us that change and things that stay the same.
By who loves us and by who we love.
Because love is the thing that keeps us sane
in a world that's gone crazy.
And what I realized is...
...I love me.
Wait. [CLEARS THROAT] What?
Yeah. I mean, I'm flawed, and imperfect,
and I make all kinds of mistakes,
- but I'm actually really cool. - Yeah.
And you know, I'm interesting to talk to,
and I'm funny, and it's easy to be all like,
"You just gotta love yourself," and sound all woo-woo,
but that actually means in practice is
I deserve to be with someone great.
I deserve you.
Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
I'm gonna kiss you now.
- Okay. - Okay.
So, how do we get outta here?
All roads lead to the trash dimension.
So?
So, can I pitch you an idea for a robot?
Okay.
According to my calculations, the whole thing is a paradox.
So, we have to go in a circle to go forward.
Exactly.
Glorp is non-toxic.
Don't believe that guy who said that it was.
And believe me. If we knew where he was,
we would tell you because we don't.
And I don't know where he is either.
People are being really awful to Max right now.
And it's actually not okay.
It's actually not okay, and it's making me freak out!
I'm gonna freak out on some people.
I will get violent. I will not hesitate.
I love you more! No, I don't. I do!
Oh, it's complicated.
You know, let's say, "Yes." And let's check-in.
- Let's do a hard "Yes." - Okay.
And I'll put it in my planner in pen.
Got my phone number?
- We have it. - We have it.
- What is it?
Can you describe the perfect date?
Uh, my perfect date would be a long walk
on the beach at sunset, a beautiful candlelight dinner,
where at some point, I slip something
into my date's drink that makes her unconscious.
I drag her home to my house.
I starve her to death in my basement.
And then I eventually eat her.
- Genocide. Is it good? - No!
Can we get a-- fluff the tentacle, please?
No, no, no. I'm-- You don't need it.
It's just... It's okay. It's not-- it's not you.
Some people wanna know what's inside Glorp.
And to that I say, stop it! Don't ask!
You don't need to know!
That's a wrap?
That's a wrap!