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[Sommore] As an artist, I take my craft seriously.
I don't take for granted that people have choices
when they spend their hard-earned money,
and I appreciate them for choosing me.
I'm a Jersey girl,
where hard work has been instilled in me from the very beginning.
And being from Trenton, I know all too well
that what Trenton makes, the world takes.
We discovered many things about ourselves and the world since I last saw you.
We learned a new word, "quarantine."
We experienced a new battle, COVID-19.
And many of us experienced the ultimate loss.
But through it all, we have shined and persevered,
leaning on our faith and each other, knowing that together
we can fight through the darkness to find our better selves.
So, as a queen, I come to you
as one who stands with you as an overcomer.
Whether you became an entrepreneur or went back to school,
or just decided to mind your own damn business,
we see you.
And, as a Chandelier, I'm coming back to work
to do the one thing I know how to do,
and that's shine.
[presenter] Starring in her sixth self-produced stand-up special,
show your love for the queen of comedy,
Sommore!
[hip-hop music playing]
Give yourselves a big round of applause
for coming out and supporting live stand-up comedy.
Make some noise for the beautiful Wick Theatre,
right here in Boca Raton, Florida.
Listen, I just want to thank you all for coming out during the pandemic, okay?
But then again, we really don't know what the fuck is going on.
We don't know if we're still in the pandemic,
is this shit over, or did they just stop talking about it.
Right? It's like where you're in a relationship
and we just stopped texting each other. There ain't shit happened,
but we just stopped texting.
We don't know what the fuck it is. We really don't.
And just as we get over one thing,
here comes some new shit.
Monkeypox.
What the fuck is monkeypox?
And nobody knows what it is.
I called a friend, a nurse. I ask, "What the fuck is monkeypox?"
She was like, "Yeah, I heard about that."
"I heard it's chicken pox for ugly people."
I'm like, "I'm gonna go with that."
Well, whatever it is, listen, I am highly vaccinated.
I am a grown fucking woman, and I am highly vaccinated.
I'm deuce deuce and the booze, bitch. Everything.
I am. If they got a patch, I'll take that bitch too, listen.
I've got moving around to do.
And it was crazy because when they came out with the vaccine,
it divided the world. Some people were against it and some people with it.
But some people just got too fucking deep.
When they talked about Black people especially taking the vaccine,
people brought up old shit.
Well, back in the day, in slavery days and the Tuskegee men and--
It ain't my thing. I don't want no people--
Don't get deep with me with shit.
Stay right here on the surface.
I ain't no deep type motherfucker.
You ever been talking to somebody
and you got your titties out and you got a drink in your hand.
You're having a conversation you hope is gonna lead
to some dick at the end of the night?
And they end up getting deep on your ass?
They bring up some church shit or history shit.
Next thing you know, you're covering your titties up.
"I remember shit like that one."
"I was thinking about that type of shit the other day."
Bitch, don't get deep on me.
Look, I ain't no deep type motherfucker.
I ain't that kind of person.
Oh, that old "grand rising" shit.
No, good morning, motherfucker. Fuck grand rising.
Just regular old "good morning."
Right? I just don't want to get deep.
Some people got so fucking deep.
But I took the vaccine. I did.
Because here's the thing. I'm from Trenton, New Jersey.
And when we were growing up in New Jersey,
like, we had to get vaccinated to go to school.
Like, it was no big deal to get vaccinated.
Now, of course, the process was different.
Back in the day, you went to the doctor's.
The nurse called you in the back room. You sat on the table.
She put a little alcohol on your arm, blew on that shit.
[blows]
Gave you the shot. Put a Band-Aid on it.
Gave you a lollipop and you left.
But not now. This shit did get a little interesting.
First of all, they just had the motherfucker everywhere.
Everywhere you turned around, they was giving out the vaccine.
They had the bitch at Walmart. They had it at CVS.
Walgreens.
They even had it at the car wash downhill.
I swear to god.
I pulled up one day, the man was like,
"What do you want? The wheel shine, the air freshener, and the Pfizer?"
I said, "Bitch, I ain't saying shit about Pfizer!"
"Oh, my bad. My bad."
They had that bitch everywhere!
And I ain't lying to you all. The bitch that gave me a shot,
this bitch had on a Kodak black t-shirt and some old Red Monkey jeans.
I just put my arm out the window and said, "Lord, I'm trusting in you."
This is the honest to god truth.
For me, I just have a problem with free shit.
I don't like free shit.
I know some people are like, "What?" Just hear me out on this.
I don't like free shit.
I don't like the way people's attitude is towards you
when they're giving you some free shit.
Notice this from this night forward.
Whenever somebody is doing something for you
and it's expensive,
watch how low they speak to you.
"If you would, Ms. Davis, if you would, come this way."
"We'll bring your car around. We got donuts and chips. We got coffee."
"If you would, just sit right there."
You feel a little special. You're like, "Oh, my God!"
"This is cute."
But when shit is free,
watch how loud they talk to you.
[loudly] "Everybody, if you're going now, you need to get on the bus!"
"Get your bag of chips, get you some water, and get on the bus!"
"We're leaving in ten minutes!"
You'll be like, "God damn!"
"Why are you talking to me like that?"
So I don't like shit like that.
I don't like shit like that.
And it's probably because I had a bad experience.
I had a bad experience when I was eight years old.
When I was eight years old, my mother lost her job.
And because my mother lost her job that year,
we qualified for the free lunch program.
Now see, I had never had the free lunch program,
so I really didn't know the way the free lunch program go.
So my mother lost her job. I qualified for the free lunch program.
So, imagine me standing in line,
holding my tray up,
titties the same size as they are right now.
'Cause always been top heavy.
My jacket is small 'cause Mama couldn't get a new jacket that year.
So I'm standing in line, I got big titties, holding my lunch tray.
And the lunch lady talking real sleek
to the free lunch kids.
She's just talking to us real greasy.
She hollered, "If you want tater tots, get in the left line."
"If you want mashed potatoes, get in the right line!"
Well, I was already standing in the tater tot line.
And I walk up to the counter.
She looked at me and she said, "Baby, you want tater tots?"
And before I could say anything,
she grabbed eight motherfucking tater tots.
See, nowadays, you have to wear gloves when you're serving food,
but back in the day, this bitch was raw dogging
my tater tots.
And her hands looked like she had pulled the motor that morning.
So she looked at me. She said, "You want tater tots?"
And before I could say no, she released the motherfucking tater tots.
She looked at me. She said, "You want tater tots?"
I said, "No, ma'am. I want mashed potatoes."
She said, "You want mashed potatoes in the tater tots line?"
That bitch took her hand and mashed my motherfucking tater tots.
She said, "Now you've got mashed potatoes."
I went home that day, I told my mom,
"You've got to get a motherfucking job!"
"'Cause I can't take this shit."
"I will not go through this!"
That's right.
I will not.
So I had to do what I had to do in order to travel.
I travel for a living. I travel extensively.
Listen, I travel so much in the airport
that I have to just play games
in order to keep myself amused.
I'm gonna tell you all one of my favorite things that I love to do
in the airport. If I catch people staring at me--
First of all, I like to people watch.
But I like to catch people staring at me, especially who don't know who I am.
If I catch you staring at me, listen,
I will lock eyes with your ass, and I won't fucking break.
And I'll take your motherfucking ass down.
I don't care if man, child, old, young, handicapped.
Bitch, I'll lock in.
And I don't-- Listen, I'm undefeated in the airport.
If I catch you staring at me, bitch, I will break you down till you stop.
It's one of my favorite things I like to do.
I like to travel.
Listen, traveling has been difficult,
because we gotta travel with the mask on.
It's really uncomfortable.
Security is at an all-time high.
Maybe you don't know this. I found it interesting.
For the first time ever, they have the first COVID sniffing dog
in the airport, in Miami.
COVID sniffing dog. So, here's the thing.
I don't give a fuck where you're going,
how much money you paid for your ticket, who you're with.
If you're in the Miami airport
and the COVID sniffing dog sniff you and he barks,
your whole fucking trip is done.
Done.
I'm telling you.
You're in the airport and the dog sniffs you, you're done.
And here's the interesting part about it.
Not only do they have a COVID dog,
but they've got a weed dog, they got a cocaine dog,
and they got the COVID dog, and they got a bomb sniffing dog.
So the airport basically looks like a kennel.
You just go down the line and let all the dogs sniff you.
You pray to God you make it down the fuckin' line.
You cross your fingers and pray,
"Lord, let me just get through this motherfucking line."
So, I'm going through the airport a week ago.
I'm getting down to the line.
The bomb sniffing dog is the most aggressive dog.
He's the most aggressive dog. As I'm coming down the line,
he starts growling. [growling]
I'm telling them, "Yo, get the dog. Get the dog. Get the dog."
He said, "He good." I'm like, "No, get the dog."
So, by the time I get all the way down there,
the dog broke loose from the man,
jumped up, put his paws on my chest.
I'm backing up, pushing the dog. He grabbing at my leggings and shit.
I'm hitting him back like, "Yo, get the dog."
"Get the dog. Get the dog."
But I shouldn't have been surprised,
'cause, ladies, you know, when you got that bomb-ass pussy, you expect shit
like that to happen in the airport.
[whooping]
Like, for real.
Come on now.
Women know that.
[cheering]
That's right.
Every woman in this bitch, when we go through the metal detector,
we'll be shocked if we make it through.
We'll be telling everybody, "You go ahead, 'cause this shit is gonna go off on me."
"'Cause you know I've got that thang with me."
"I keep that thang with me."
That's right!
Women expect that shit.
I don't know why when I tell that joke I get bow-legged. I'm like…
[muttering]
[laughter]
It's that old school shit.
Maybe when niggas used to like hair on the arm and bow-leg,
you could turn on any party with bow-leg.
Not no more. They don't give a fuck about a bow-leg now.
Only people who like bow-legs is janitors.
And mechanics. Nobody else give a fuck about bow-legs.
[sighs] When you're at an airport, it's crazy.
I'll tell you something that I noticed in the airport now.
Women still wear hair bonnets.
What?
Listen, I seen a bonnet or two the other day in the airport.
As soon as I see a woman with a bonnet on in the airport,
I walk right by, I'll be like, "Bitch, Mo'Nique gonna get you."
"Ooh, bitch, Mo'Nique gonna get you."
Come on now.
Those of you that don't know what I'm talking about.
About a year and a half ago,
the actress and comedian Mo'Nique set it the fuck off.
She put out a public service announcement.
She no longer wanted to see hair bonnets,
pajama pants, and bedroom slippers in public.
No longer wanted to see pajama pants, hair bonnets, and bedroom slippers.
And I'm sitting there thinking, "Hold on now."
"Pajama pants,
hair bonnets, and bedroom slippers."
"That's a whoop-a-bitch-ass uniform right there."
Listen, I don't give a fuck where you're from.
If you see a woman in public with those three combinations,
pajama pants, hair bonnet, and bedroom slippers,
trust me, she about that life.
Oh, she about that life.
And to keep it real with you all, listen,
I feel safe when I see a bonnet or two on my flight.
I do!
Listen, I'd have seen TSA, undercover security, all that shit.
I feel safe when I see a bonnet or two on my flight.
Here's why. When a bonnet sees some shit that ain't right,
they address that shit immediately.
They do. I was on a flight one time. A bonnet was on the flight.
The stewardess had just served the drinks. We hadn't even taken off yet.
She stopped the stewardess. She was like, "Excuse me,
but why'd he get the whole can of sprite
and I only get a cup of sprite?"
"We're on the same motherfucking flight going to the same motherfucking city."
I was sitting there with my drink like, "Bitch, you're right."
"She's right about that."
That's right. Bitch, you're right.
But them bonnets will set it the fuck off.
So Mo'Nique set it off.
And some people had a problem with it.
Now here is what I realized about life.
When somebody makes a statement and people have a problem,
sometimes they have a problem with the message,
or some of the time they have a problem with the messenger.
So lets just break down who Mo'Nique really is.
First of all, Mo'Nique is a queen of comedy.
So all due respect to that.
She's a queen of comedy.
Not only is she a queen of comedy,
she's an Oscar winning actress.
She won an Oscar for the movie Precious.
And let's just keep it real. Mo'Nique ain't no punk bitch.
Mo'Nique does set it off with a few people.
Mo'Nique called Oprah out on some shit two years ago.
Oprah ain't responded yet.
Precious done lost weight and gained it all back.
Oprah still ain't responded to Mo'Nique.
Mo'Nique set it off with Tyler Perry.
Tyler Perry or Madea ain't responded to Mo'Nique yet.
But the motherfucking bonnet spoke up the next day.
The bonnet got a representative. They were on Instagram the next day.
The bonnets got on Instagram and told Mo'Nique,
"Bitch, mind your motherfucking business."
Mo'Nique came right back at them.
She said, "You are my business."
Well, she didn't say it like that.
She said it the way Mo'Nique said it.
She said, "Sweetie…"
"Honey…"
"Baby…"
"You are my business."
Mo'Nique went so far to say,
"If I see you all in public with a bonnet on,
I'm gonna confront you."
Them bonnets thought about that shit. They said, "Confront us?
They said, "Oh, pull up on me, bitch."
"Yeah, pull up on me, bitch."
I'm sitting there like, "This is the movie I want to see."
Mo'Nique confronts a bonnet in the airport.
That's the shit I want to see.
They ain't gonna take that ass-whooping like Precious.
I just really don't think it's gonna go like that.
So, I got a little cousin, right.
I got a little cousin,
who is part bonnet.
Come on now. Everybody got somebody in their family part bonnet.
I got a little cousin. She's part bonnet, part city girl.
For those of you that don't know who the city girls are,
the city girl is a rap group that's hot right now.
If you're my age, the city girl ain't nothing
but Salt-N-Pepa with no drawers on. It's the same shit.
If you're older than that, it's J. J. Fad in a thong.
You know who the fuck I'm talking about.
[vocalizing]
So, I asked my little cousin,
who is part bonnet and part city girl.
I said, "Listen,
why do you all wear your hair bonnets in public?"
And she said something ever so simple.
She said, "Nobody said that we couldn't."
And it was just that simple.
"Nobody said that we couldn't."
And because they did not think it was offensive
to wear their hair bonnets in public.
But think about this. This is what young people do.
Young people take shit we did in the past,
put in their own little spin on it,
and then do it their own way.
They take shit we did in the past… We did the same thing.
Put their own spin on it, and do it their own way.
Look at what they've done to the twerk.
How the fuck did the twerk
get way down here?
Come on now!
Back in the day, it was called "pussy popping."
And it was just that simple.
You just pop your pussy.
As a matter of fact, I'm popping my pussy right now!
Who the fuck put a knee in the pussy pop?
That's young people.
Back in the day, the knee bone was connected to the leg bone.
The leg bone connected to the ankle bone.
The ankle bone connected to foot bone.
Nowadays, the knee bone is connected to the cash app.
If you do this, you got to hit your cash app.
So, we have collectively agreed
that we're going to stop wearing hair bonnets in public.
So here's some other things I'd like to propose that we get rid of.
First thing I'd like to get rid of is UGG boots.
Come on now, UGGs?
We done with UGGs. Them the ugliest motherfucking boots they ever made.
I'd know. I had a pair. Them the ugliest motherfucking boots.
Them UGGs so ugly you could switch feet, them bitches still look the same.
You know that's an ugly motherfucking boot.
And look at women with bare feet. Women with bare feet love UGGs.
'Cause no matter what's wrong with your feet, UGGs will fit you.
You have bunions, corns, knocked knees, slew-footed, duck walk, pigeon-toed,
them motherfucking UGGs will fit your ass.
And the way you all got quiet in here, I can tell.
♪ There's some UGGs in this house There's some UGGs in this ♪
Don't pull them ugly bitches out no more.
We're done with them.
And, no, Crocs ain't no better, bitch.
They are so ugly, bitch.
Come on now.
Big-headed-ass shoe.
Looks like the whole goddamn shoe got a headache. That's an ugly bitch.
Young people just decorate that ugly bitch. That bitch is ugly.
People my age, you all know better than that.
You all know that shoe is ugly.
Back in the day, that would have been the orthopedic shoe.
You would need a prescription to wear shit like that.
But we got a lot of shit we need to get some rules and regulations on.
We really do.
Like what's the age limit on baby hair?
'Cause I've seen a bitch with gray baby hair the other day.
Bitch, you can't have gray baby hair.
Here's the rule.
If you're too old to have a baby, bitch,
you can't have baby hair.
If your tube's tied, you can't have baby hair.
You don't wanna have a baby but you got baby hair. Bull shit.
For the white people sitting in the audience that's confused,
looking at me like, "What's baby hair?"
I'll tell you what baby hair is.
Baby hair is when we take regular-ass hair that's sitting in coach
and move it up to first class.
And then we'll be like, "When you get up there, just show out. Just…"
[laughter]
No, we need to address some of this shit.
'Cause I'm seeing a lot of shit that's throwing me off.
That's throwing me off.
Like I'm seeing a whole lot of old faces with new teeth. What the fuck is going on?
And here's the thing. They don't ever tell you they got new teeth.
You just got to figure that shit out when you're talking to them.
You'll be sitting there like, "Something new about this motherfucker."
"No, it ain't his hairline."
"It ain't his eyes. It ain't his nose."
You'll be backing up like, "Yeah, it's his teeth. It's his teeth."
"It's his teeth. It's his teeth."
And you all go out and buy the biggest, whitest motherfucking teeth they offer.
I'm supposed to sit here
like I don't see these big, white motherfucking teeth in your face.
You sitting here smiling like you got a whole row
of Air Force 1 sneakers in your mouth.
Come on now.
And listen, it's a rule, you all.
Your teeth are not supposed to be whiter than your eyes.
It makes your eyes look brown.
I'm standing here talking to you,
you've got Hennessy eyeballs and cocaine teeth.
I'll be like, "Let me leave before I catch a RICO charge
fucking with this nigga here."
No, we need some rules and regulations.
Like, how far are we gonna go with the lashes?
How far we goin'?
We need some rules and regulations on these motherfucking lashes.
We need some rules and regulations with the lashes. Here's what I say.
If you got on lashes, at least have on a high-heeled shoe.
'Cause here's the thing.
If you got on lashes and flat shoes, you're sending mixed messages.
See, lashes mean, "Hey, I wanna hang out. I wanna party. I wanna turn up tonight."
But then you look down and you got on flat shoes, it's like,
"No, bitch, I wanna chill."
So here's the thing.
If you've got on lashes, at least give me some type of heel.
Get up off the ground a little bit.
Give me a wedge. Give me a Little Debbie snack cake.
Give me a sanctified shoe.
Come on now, give me a little bit.
And the height of your heel got to match the length of your lash.
You can't have all this motherfucking lash and just a little heel.
You've got to balance that shit out.
We got too much going on.
I knew. Here's when I knew.
Here's when I knew the lash had gotten out of control.
I had a cousin who had on a pair of lashes.
And my cousin is straight-up lesbian.
Stud.
I'm talking about, strap her titties down, keep a strap on in her car, bitch. Stud.
Had on some motherfucking lashes.
She had on no church-lady lashes.
She had on the big motherfuckers, way out here.
I was shocked, like, "Damn, cuz, what are you doing with lashes on?"
"I thought you were a stud."
She was like, "Yeah, cuz. Yeah, cuz."
"It's this new shit we're doing."
"It's called eating pussy up under the palm tree."
I said, "Well, put on a wedge so you won't be in violation."
"Just put on a little wedge."
Now, everything needs some rules and regulations.
You're on Facebook, you need rules and regulations too.
Come on now, you see 'em on Facebook
asking for prayer.
Every day you see somebody on Facebook asking for prayer.
I seen a girl on my timeline the other morning. Had her arm out.
Had IV on her arm. Just asking everybody to send some prayers up.
"For your girl. I'm in the hospital right now."
Then I've seen a dude who had his feet with the ambulance.
You can see the ambulance in the background.
Just asking everybody to send up some prayers for your boy.
"I'm in the hospital right now."
Here's the rule.
If you're in the hospital asking people to pray for you,
you've got to tell us what the fuck you're in the hospital for
so we can know how to pray.
'Cause the prayer for cancer
and the prayer for yeast infection is two different prayers.
Cancer. You've got to break your knees and get all down in the prayer.
A yeast infection, you just bow your head.
"Lord, help her with the itch, Jesus. Just help her, Jesus."
But I love social media. I love it.
That shit keeps me entertained.
Think about it, it's what got us through the quarantine.
It got us through the quarantine.
I don't know about you all, but listen, I had a tough time doin' the quarantine.
That shit got rough.
It started out like three weeks. I'm like, "Okay, cool."
"You know, we're gonna be in here three weeks."
Then that shit went to three months.
I'm like, "Ooh, this shit getting real."
That shit got to six months… [groaning]
Everybody was goin' through it. Shit got real.
We had them long days. I'm talking about real long days.
Some days you ain't even know what day it was.
And keep it real. You ain't wash your ass every day.
You was in that bitch with the loosest clothes you can find.
Walking through the house, dressed like Jesus and Mary
walking through Jerusalem.
[sighing]
Just going through it. Going through it.
You cooked everything you know how to cook.
You then ran out of recipes and shit.
I deep-fried Froot Loops one time, just fucking around.
Shit got crazy.
I went 18 months. Eighteen months with no bra on.
Eighteen months.
I fucked around. I almost vacuumed up my nipple one time.
I'm in the living room. I said, "Who the fuck been in here
eating chicken gizzards?"
"Oh, hold on, that's my shit. Hold on."
"Hold on, hold on."
That's right.
But shit got real in quarantine.
Got real.
See, you always had to go home. You ain't never had to stay home.
So now you were forced to go home
and deal with all the decisions you made thus far in your life.
And shit got real real.
Some of you all realized your kids didn't even look like you.
You're like, "Come here, junior. Stand in the light. Goddamn."
"I didn't realize how, junior, you don't look shit like me. Come here."
"Goddamn. Look, junior don't look shit like me. Look at junior."
Shit got real.
Right. Social media got us through.
We only had three sources of information.
We had CNN,
the Internet, and the nigga net.
CNN, the Internet,
and the nigga net.
Now, CNN is what the government was talking about.
The Internet is what the world was talking about.
The nigga net is what Black people were talking about.
And the nigga net was popping.
Oh, the nigga net was popping.
And it wasn't all true.
It wasn't all true.
'Cause if you think back when the quarantine first dropped
and COVID first came out,
the nigga net said Black people couldn't get this shit.
We were sitting at home talking about, "Yeah, 'cause the melanin in our skin,
when the sun comes down, it blocks the rays,
and we don't absorb it 'cause it ain't in our blood
to be able to accept the COVID."
Like, bitch, this is America.
The only thing we can't get is a loan from the bank, bitch.
We can get it.
Yes.
Yeah, the nigga net said we couldn't get COVID, for two days.
All until somebody's grandma fucked around and got sick.
People on the Internet were like,
"Fuck that shit. My grandma is here sick as a bitch."
Then Black people got serious.
Let me tell you, when Black people got it, we got serious.
We locked ourselves in the house.
Started tapping into the nigga net finding out what everybody else was doing.
Black people started taking all type of vitamins, supplements, herbs.
We, in that bitch, taking elderberry, vitamin C, B12.
You had thug niggas on sea moss.
Hell yeah, I'm on the moss right now.
I put a little moss on my weed.
You had thug niggas on sea moss.
Shit was real.
It was real.
We was in that bitch--
Here's the thing that was funny about Black people.
'Cause we're one of them people, we talk shit, but we're gonna comply.
Oh, yeah. We were talking shit, but we were still complying.
We really was.
'Cause think about when they let us out of the house.
When they finally let us out of the house, everybody had a mask on,
you had gloves on, you didn't want to touch shit.
You had sunglasses on, 'cause motherfucker said it could go through your eyeballs.
We were in the motherfucking grocery store walking down the aisles and shit.
Staying six feet apart from motherfuckers like…
When you walk up to a bitch, that was a crime!
You were like, "That bitch tried to walk up on me."
I was like, "Nigga, you trying to kill me, nigga?"
"That bitch tried to walk up on me."
We were serious with that shit.
I used to like to sit in the parking lot of a grocery store or something.
Watch people get to the store and forget their masks.
Ever watch somebody do that shit?
They get up there and realize their mask is in the car.
Looked like they had a seizure at the front door.
"God damn!"
You want to get to the door, cover your mouth,
"Let's just get a bag of chips."
"Just throw me some gum and chips. Here's my card. Swipe my card."
Black people, we were scared.
And here is how I knew we were scared.
I knew we were scared because,
we were coming out and admitting
that we had COVID.
You know how many other diseases and viruses there are out there?
People will die and take to their grave.
But we were so scared
that every day we were updating the Internet,
telling people if we've tested positive.
Motherfuckers were scared.
And who was the first Black celebrity to admit they had COVID?
First Black celebrity to admit he had COVID
was Idris Elba. The actor.
And every woman in this bitch instantly put him on the dirty dick list.
"You're right. I want none of that dick."
"I'm good. I used to want some, but I'm good with that."
They put him on the dirty dick list.
Dick ain't got nothing to do with COVID, but we put him on the dirty dick list.
Come on now. Idris ain't the only celebrity on the dirty dick list.
Usher been on the dirty dick list for four years.
I've been trying to get Usher off the dirty dick list for four years.
We know that girl lied on Usher.
Please let him off the dirty dick list.
I'm telling you now, that's the worst list to get on.
You don't ever want to get on the dirty dick list.
If you ever get on the dirty dick list, the only way you can get off
is if a bitch we know personally jack your dick with a Clorox hand wipe.
That's the only way you can get off the dirty dick list.
But the Internet entertained us. It entertained us.
And listen, people turned around and found hidden talents within themselves.
People made millions of dollars on the Internet.
Look at how grown people took over TikTok.
Come on now, before the quarantine,
TikTok was nothing but kids on there doing shit like…
Six months into quarantine,
you had grown women on there telling to buss it.
Buss it! Buss it!
So these bitches are selling pussy on TikTok.
But people stepped into action.
People stepped into action.
They started cooking,
rapping, playing music.
Motherfuckers doing makeup,
DJing, telling jokes,
doing skits.
And people really became famous
and took off like it was a whole nother world.
A whole nother world.
This is where we were introduced to Kevin Samuels.
May he rest in peace.
Kevin Samuels-- See, Kevin Samuels was a--
He called himself an image consultant. He wasn't a relationship expert,
but for some reason,
women always wanted him to analyze their relationship in their lives.
One thing about Kevin Samuels. He had an opinion.
He stood on that shit,
and he did not waver, whatsoever.
First of all, he had all of our attention.
But let's keep it real.
Kevin Samuels was a different type of dude.
And what I was amazed by
was how women would cry
to get this man's approval
and acceptance of their life.
He was strict.
Like, if you would talk out of line, he'd hang up on your ass,
and they'll call right back.
Here's the thing I want to tell women.
If somebody don't like you, then you are not their type.
It's just that simple.
And listen, I respect Kevin Samuels,
but Kevin Samuels wasn't talking to me.
Let me tell you something. A motherfucker that got on a turtleneck and a choker
can't make me cry.
I don't give a fuck what you're talking about.
A turtleneck and choker? Yeah, you ain't talking to me.
You just ain't talking to me.
And don't get me wrong, Kevin Samuels is good-looking.
He was good-looking. Very distinguished.
Gentleman-like.
He would always keep his cologne right there,
let you all know he was smelling good.
But let's keep it real.
Kevin Samuels looked like the type of man
that would fold his clothes before you all fuck.
I'm gonna wear that pussy out.
You just wait until I finish folding these khakis.
I'm gonna wear that pussy out.
You just wait till I finish folding these khakis.
Shit.
I like the type of man that, when we finish fucking,
can't nobody find their clothes.
Oh, my God, hold on. Here's your drawers. These are yours.
Your drawers.
My bra is over here somewhere.
And listen, he died in true pimp fashion.
He died on top of a woman he had met that night.
I'm not saying he was buying pussy,
but I'm saying, he had to be a man of his word
and she had to be satisfied.
If he was with a woman and she didn't get what you promised her,
oh bitch, you would have been dead but she would have went live.
She'd be holding that camera like, "This fucker trying to act dead,
but he owe me money."
"This bitch gonna wake up tonight. He ain't dead."
I've never seen anything like that in my life.
But there's a lot of shit that I'm amazed about in this society.
A lot of shit. Shit like Uber.
I am shocked at Uber.
Well, you don't ride in a car with a motherfucker you don't know.
Come on now, I grew up with stranger danger.
You just didn't ride in a car with people you don't know.
But this is where we are in this country.
We ride in a car with people we don't know.
Come on, if you were my age, you'd know better than that.
You know you ain't comfortable in a car with a fucker you don't know.
You'd be so goddamned scared,
he's sitting in the front seat with his GPS on,
you're in the back seat with your GPS on
watching his every motherfucking move.
He fuck around, make one wrong move, you'll be like, "Why are you going left?"
"Excuse me, why are you going left?"
"Why are you turning left right here?"
He's scared of your ass too, looking at you in the rearview mirror.
Like, "Why you ain't drive? Why you ain't drive?"
Come on now.
You know you seen Uber situations that don't look right.
First of all, the people don't look like they match.
When you're walking past, you do a double take like,
"What the fuck are they doing together?"
Well, here we are, riding with motherfuckers we don't know.
And on top of Uber, we've got Uber Eats,
where you let a bitch you don't know bring you your food.
Listen, I don't even turn my back on a person making my plate.
How the fuck do you let somebody bring you your food
and you don't know them?
But that's where we are.
See, it's not a natural thing either.
You all know you look at shit and it don't look natural.
See, back in the day,
when you see people together,
and they don't look naturally like they belong together,
usually, it was some type of transaction going down.
Come on now. Back in the day,
if you seen a Black girl in a car with a white dude,
you'd be like, "Somebody is selling some pussy."
If you seen a Black dude in a car with a white girl, you'd be like,
"Somebody is buying some cocaine."
If you see three little Asian girls in a car with a white man, you are like,
"What in the sex-trafficking is going on over here?"
Uber
and Uber Eats
is a billion-dollar business.
Multiple billion-dollar business.
I think I'll come up with an app. I want you all to do me a favor.
Everybody, just take a minute,
take a deep breath,
be open-minded to this.
Think outside the box a little bit.
What I want to call the app…
I want to call it Uber Beats.
And what it is, it's an app
that you can call us
to come and whoop a bitch-ass for you.
I know it sounds far-fetched.
But just think just a little bit.
Everybody in here
has at least one person on your job
you wish that you can whoop this bitch-ass.
But you need your job.
But the beautiful thing about it is you have Uber Beats.
So, think about it.
You put a five o'clock hit on this bitch
on Friday.
You're excited all motherfucking day long
'cause you know she getting her ass whooped at five o'clock.
4:55 p.m.,
and right on time,
a bitch pull up in a red Cutlass
with a bonnet on.
You be like, "Yes!"
"Uber Beats."
Just like you paid for.
She make it to the parking lot, and she whoop her motherfucking ass.
Monday come,
she showed back up at work.
She got a busted lip, a black eye.
You try to play it off like you don't know what happened.
"Oh, my God! Karen, what happened to you?"
She's like, "You won't fucking believe what happened to me Friday."
"I'm walking to my car, minding my fucking business,
and out of nowhere this girl comes and whoops my ass!"
"And she had on a fucking chef hat. I don't know where she came from."
And you'll be sitting there like, "Yes!"
"Five stars for Shamika."
Uber Beats.
I think it's a hit. I think it's a hit.
We got a black and blue division for bitch-ass niggas, men.
Don't worry, we can get them for you too.
Quarantine was rough for me.
I had days where I dealt with depression.
Dealt with depression.
My father died right before quarantine started.
My father died. He passed away.
And what was crazy is,
through all my adulthood, we'd had a rocky relationship.
Rocky relationship. We didn't always see eye to eye.
It wasn't until the last two years that we started spending time together.
And I realized that we had more in common than I ever could imagine.
I spent all these years being upset over shit from the past
that I wish I would have just let go years ago.
-Right? So… [sighs] -[applause]
I'm saying, if you're not right with certain people,
take your time and get it right. Take your time and get it right.
The day before my father passed,
Kobe Bryant and his daughter passed.
When Kobe Bryant and his daughter passed,
it sparked a big movement all over the Internet.
#GirlDad.
#GirlDad,
where men from all over the country were getting into their daughter's lives.
They were stepping up, proud to be fathers.
They were posting pictures with their girls together.
It made me feel so good.
#GirlDad. #GirlDad.
#GirlDad was such a big movement
that my cousin, an elementary school teacher,
said that fathers were getting back in their daughter's lives.
The PTA meetings were crowded 'cause the daddies were showing up.
They said the daddy-daughter dance was so crowded
'cause the real dad showed up, the stepdad showed up,
and the nigga the mama was fucking showed up. Everybody
was holding on to baby girl's hand.
Baby girl was scared in the motherfucker.
She never been this popular.
#GirlDad was such a big movement,
that even Dwyane Wade and his son got in on the action.
And it was a beautiful thing.
Listen, it was a beautiful thing.
The Internet was accepting of that.
The Internet was accepting.
Listen, the Internet was accepting of the fact
that the little boy wanted to express himself
by dressing like a woman.
Listen, they accepted that.
Now, the nigga net had a problem with it.
The nigga net threw grease in the game.
Somebody on the nigga net said the boy wanted to have a sex change.
And people like the rapper Lil Boosie Badazz
lost his motherfucking mind.
Lil Boosie Badazz was all on the Internet talking about, "Hell no, Dwyane Wade!"
"Don't cut his dick off, man!"
"Don't cut his dick off, Dwyane!"
"He ain't but ten years old, Dwyane. Don't cut his dick off!"
I'm sitting there like, the boy never said he wanted his dick off.
He didn't even say he was gay.
I thought he just wanted to wear a little wedge heel, a little dress.
But think about that.
We are embarking
on a society
that is giving voice to children.
Not to say that it's bad or it's good.
But it's new.
It's very new.
Think about when we were growing up.
I wish the fuck you would have told your mother
you wanted to wear a dress.
First of all, she wouldn't even entertain that shit.
If you told her you wanted to wear a dress, she'd say,
"You better dress your ass and do dishes. That's what the fuck you better do."
She wouldn't even entertain that shit.
Then you'd have heard her talk to one of your aunts.
"Girl, you won't believe what this silly motherfucker said."
"Told me he want to wear a dress."
"He's still pissing in the bed. What you gonna do? Piss on your dress?"
"He's gonna piss on his dress."
Your mother would have never even entertained that.
We are living a world
that's opening up the minds of young people. If you think about it,
older people, because of our experiences, we have a lot of fears.
Young people have no fears.
What I'm telling you, it's a brave, new world that we're entering.
But I want young people to understand this.
You all live in a world right now where you all have all the knowledge.
All the knowledge.
We live in a world where you can no longer say, "I don't know."
You can Google and find out any fucking thing you want to know.
But you've got to respect the difference in knowledge and wisdom.
See, knowledge is having it,
but wisdom is knowing how to work through that shit.
There are some people on this earth that have wisdom.
And there's a difference in knowledge and wisdom.
And my best analogy of that is this.
When you were little, everybody told you to brush your teeth,
to clean your mouth and keep it fresh.
And you just brushed your teeth, brushed your teeth, brushed your teeth.
That's the knowledge.
But the wisdom was when you found out the tongue was the funky motherfucker.
We got some shit we're dealing with in our family
when it comes to knowledge and wisdom.
I got an uncle who lost his leg about six years ago.
He's been living without a leg. He's got a little nub.
And the nub always been fine.
But lately, he been on Facebook showing out.
Standing on Facebook, swinging the motherfucking nub.
"I want a leg. I want a leg. I want a leg. I want a leg."
Everybody in the family got embarrassed.
"Oh, my God. He on Facebook talking about he want a leg."
"We need to chip in and get him a leg."
So we all decided as a family we're going to chip in and get him a leg.
Thirty motherfuckers showed up. Some people came by Zoom.
I did show up late to the meeting.
But when I came to the meeting, he looked at me and saw me,
and he thought the budget went up.
The motherfucker asked for a Blade Runner leg. I'm like, "No."
"No."
"You don't even walk fast. Why the fuck do you want a Blade Runner leg?"
"Seventy-six with a Blade Runner leg? No, sir. No, sir."
So now,
because I came late to the meeting,
they let my little cousin,
"knowledge" no wisdom, run the show.
Now here's the thing. I ain't hating on knowledge no wisdom.
But, 'cause he got shit popping, he a fly little motherfucker.
Got shit popping. Got his own car. Got his own crib. Doing his own thing.
Got more followers than me on Facebook. So, he popping.
But he got knowledge and no wisdom.
I showed up. I said, "What are you doing?"
"How far are you with the program?"
"Have you called the doctor? What did the doctor say about the leg?"
"We're not going to the doctor. We'll go straight to the manufacturer."
"As a matter of fact, we're in the process right now." I said, "Oh, okay."
'Cause sometimes that's what you've got to say
to knowledge no wisdom.
"Okay."
So, they started doing the research right there in the room.
What we found out, true shit,
was that the Black leg is more expensive than the white leg.
So one of my cousins hollered, "Fuck it, get him a white leg!"
I said, "I'm with that shit. I'm with that."
Seventy-six, get him a white leg. Fuck it.
So,
by this time, the room is chaos, right.
So, I just put my money down. I said, "I'm gonna put my money down."
I put down $400. I said, "If you can't work it out
and we need more money, let me know." I put down the $400.
Two weeks go by. All of a sudden,
"knowledge" no wisdom shows up at my house. Gave me $50.
I was like, "What is this for?" He was like, "We already got the leg."
"We just had extra, so here's your $50 back."
I'm like, "Oh, okay."
Let me tell you all what the fuck they did.
First of all, they bought the leg off the Internet
from a place called Legs R Us.
[laughter]
They bought a white leg and spray-painted it UPS truck brown.
But here's the kicker.
The leg don't have a knee!
This bitch is thigh all the way down.
So, now my uncle is on the Internet swinging his long-ass thigh,
talking about, "I want a knee."
"I want a knee. I want a knee."
I unfollowed his ass. I'm not getting involved in that shit.
[sighs]
Don't be afraid of wisdom. Listen to people sometime.
As you get older, you realize that you've become a part of wisdom.
I'll tell you, I had a shocker.
First of all, I don't have children.
I don't have children.
You know, people that don't have children,
sometimes I forget how old I really am.
When you have children, you can watch your children grow older.
You can have grandkids and things like that.
When you don't have children,
the days just become the days, months become months,
years become years. You have your peaks and valleys.
For the most part, sometimes you can forget how old you really are.
I'll tell you some shit that woke me up this year.
First of all, my doctor died.
Now, when your doctor dies…
This is the motherfucker keeping you alive.
How the fuck you die?
Now you're questioning all the shit he put you on.
Bitch, why didn't you save yourself?
Why?
So my doctor died.
Now, this has been the same doctor I had for the last 30 years.
Me and my doctor was close. He was a good doctor.
So my doctor died.
Now I have to go out and find another doctor.
When you go out to find a doctor,
first thing they hit you with as a new patient is a stack of paperwork.
You sit there, trying to fill out the paperwork,
being honest, but still trying to keep your own dignity.
You know what I'm saying.
I'm sitting in the lobby filling out the paperwork
to the best of my knowledge without trying to look, you know,
like I've been through some shit.
So sitting there saying…
The paperwork said,
"How many drinks do you have a week?"
One.
I don't know this motherfucker like that.
"How many sex partners have you had in the last three years?"
One. Exactly! Right?
You don't know this motherfucker like that.
But here is the part that got me.
You know when they ask you for your age,
they break the age down in boxes.
I'm sitting there, I'm filling out the age in the age bracket.
First is 18 to 25.
Nope. Jump down to the next box.
Twenty-six to 36.
Nope. Jump down to the next box.
Thirty-seven to 47.
Nope. Jump down to the next box.
The next box just said, "Others." I'm like, "Hold on, wait a minute."
I'm like, "You all ain't gonna break this bitch down right here? This is it?"
Bullshit! How the fuck did I get in the last box?
I'm in the last box?
That's shit. That was a whole new world right there
when I realized I was in the last box.
And I'm looking around the room.
I ain't the only bitch in here in the last box.
Let me tell you something about that last box.
Shit gets real in that last box.
Especially when it comes to your health.
Shit gets real.
'Cause when you're in that last box, this shit can go any way.
It's kind of like the prequel game when you're playing The Price is Right.
When they release the thing and they slide down,
you don't know where it's gonna stop. It can go any way.
You could end up with high blood pressure,
diabetes, congestive heart failure, dementia,
Alzheimer's.
And I'm so scared of the shake shit. This shit right here…
Listen, I'm so scared of this shit, I don't even say no like this no more.
I'm like, "No."
"I ain't going."
"You can go without me. I ain't going over there like that."
Listen, I'm so scared to be saying no and fuck around and can't stop.
I don't even give that shit a chance to get on me. I'll be like,
"No, I ain't going. You all go ahead. I'm not gonna go."
Look, I don't even fuck with that,
at all.
I know people always say, "Life is a beautiful thin. You gotta live."
It is. It's a beautiful thing.
Look at people like Betty White,
the actress from Golden Girls.
She recently passed away.
Betty White was 99 years old.
She was 13 days from 100.
Thirteen days from 100. Listen, 99 is cool,
but 100 is a milestone. That's a whole nother level.
A whole nother plateau for you to reach 100.
I don't know about you all, but I'd have got my grandma to 100. Fuck that.
I wouldn't have called the people for 13 motherfucking days.
She would have been stiff as a bitch when they got here.
The paramedics would have been like, "How old is she? Is she 100?"
"She's 100. Right now, today, she is 100."
I would have got my grandma that 100. Fuck it.
But everybody's like, "It's a blessing to live to be 100."
Listen, it's a blessing to live to be 100
if your money lasts for you to be 100.
But fuck around and you live to be 100
and your money ran out at 75,
listen, that's a hard 25.
Come on now, 25? That's a hard 25.
You fuck around and live to be 100 and your money stopped at 75.
Now you've got to move in with Man-Man and Shae-Shae.
Two of the most irresponsible motherfuckers you know in the world.
They had three kids they lost custody of.
Now they're raising two pit bulls, King and Killer.
And you.
They got you living in the living room on an air mattress with a slow leak.
You get up at three o'clock every morning
flat on your motherfucking back.
You've got to wait for the bitch to pump you back up.
The dogs circling your ass like, "Why can't we eat this old bitch?"
And you all know Shae-Shae ain't cooking.
He's straight off the dollar menu.
Your blood pressure through the motherfucking roof.
Your feet so goddamn swollen like you've got on UGGs and a Croc.
You're off the dollar menu.
You're straight nuggets, nigga. Straight nuggets.
When you're 100 years old, your teeth can't fuck with that skin like it used to.
You've got to sit there and suck that bitch naked.
After a while, they just chop your nugget up.
You in that bitch eating a nugget smoothie.
Licking honey mustard sauce, and then sucking the smoothie.
Oh, Man-Man and Shae-Shae got you all fucked up.
You ain't got none of that grandma shit.
You ain't got no robe, no gown. You ain't got no bedroom slippers.
You're in the living room with a pair of Shae-Shae old boy's shorts.
That's your goddamn Pamper hanging out the back.
With legs so motherfucking baggy,
it'll look like drapes hanging from the Pamper.
They got you fucked up. They got you fucked up.
Shae-Shae and Man-Man, they running their own shit.
Taking you to the doctor, coaching you on the medication to ask for.
"Go in and tell them you on pain number ten, ask for some Percocets."
"And some Viagra."
"Don't forget your blood pressure medicine."
Listen, Man-Man doing tattoos at the house now.
He's using you as the test monkey.
He got you sitting up in Bingo with a tattoo on your neck
that say, "Bad Bitch."
And it's spelled wrong.
They are sitting there like, "What's a bad batch?"
But everything is gonna change.
Everything is gonna change.
Ladies, your hot pocket's gonna change.
Now she ain't gonna leave you,
but she will deceive you.
From time and time, she gonna do all the shit.
Listen, you just got to treat her like you are the coach
and she is the star player.
Sometimes you got to give a little pep talk.
Especially if you don't have in-house dick.
When you don't have in-house dick
and you got to go on your dick appointments,
you got to give a little pep talk.
You sit in your car,
before you get out, you cut the car off.
Cut the radio off.
Put your hand on the steering wheel.
So you've got an open shot.
You look down and you say, "Listen,
I need you to go in here. I need you to show up and show out."
"I don't need you to catch no feelings."
"Don't bring up old shit."
"I need you to stay focused."
"And whatever you do, don't lose your grip."
Pat that bitch two times, pop-pop! Get the fuck out of the car.
All right.
Don't lose your grip!
See the young girls singing about the wet-wet.
Bitch, you can buy wet-wet.
It's the motherfucking grip!
It's the grip.
Listen, ladies, whatever you do, don't lose your motherfucking grip.
'Cause if you lose your grip,
now you're going to have to let him use the celebrity entrance.
You know celebrities don't come in the front door.
Look, I should have never told men that shit.
That got them excited.
On their birthday, they're going to be like,
"I thought you were gonna treat a nigga like a star tonight!" [laughs]
Men, you're laughing, but your shit gonna change too.
Your shit gonna change.
Your balls gonna dry up.
Your balls are gonna get long as a motherfucker.
Your balls are gonna get so long that every time before you sit down
you're gonna have to scooch up a little bit
to keep from sitting on them.
Every time you sit down, you're like, "I'm gonna sit and watch the game a bit."
And your grand baby is gonna be the one to tell you.
She gonna be like, "Papa, why every time before you sit,
you scooch up a little bit like this?"
"What?" "Every time before you sit, you scooch up a little bit."
"No, I don't. Get out of here with all that."
"Every time you sit, you scooch."
"No, no. Go on out there, go."
She going to her room, like, "He mad 'cause I said
every time he sit down he scooch up a little bit."
Come on, ladies, you've seen the balls drop.
You've seen them balls drop and get tangled up.
You see that motherfucker in mid-conversation break up a fight.
"I'll sit here and watch the heat going down."
"The heat better come on. I'm gonna watch the game."
This is what the nigga do to break up a fight now.
"I'm gonna watch the game now."
I love being in the last box.
As a grown woman,
I feel like a full-grown German shepherd up this bitch. I do.
In that last box, there's a confidence that comes over you.
At this age, it is what the fuck it is.
Either you like what I'm selling or you don't.
That's just it.
There's a calm and a confidence that comes over you as a woman.
But I do miss being a young girl. I do. I miss the drama of being a young girl.
Here's what I miss about being young. The arguments.
Remember, as a young girl, you would argue with a man
and set it the fuck off. Say you're going to a party with your man.
You know there's other women here.
You catch him looking at one,
you lose your motherfucking mind.
"I can't believe you staring at that bitch."
"You being so motherfucking disrespectful staring at that bitch."
"If that's what you want, you need to go with that bitch."
Lose your motherfucking mind.
But not in the last box.
In the last box, at a party with your man,
you catch him staring at another woman.
"Damn, boo, you can see her from here without your glasses?"
"Wow, high five, nigga."
"Your eye drops must be working. A-ha, that's what's up."
"I like that. That's what's up."
You ain't into all that drama.
There's a cool and calm that comes over you.
Listen, in the last box, you ain't jealous of no other woman. Jealous?
Jealous nor envy. Uh-uh.
Because as a woman, in this last box,
you know there's a responsibility that comes with everything.
Anything you do, there's a responsibility that comes with that.
You look at other women, you appreciate what she does.
If she's got some shit popping other than you,
it's something she doin' that you ain't doin', and that's all right.
But we peep the bullshit too, now.
You see the bullshit on the Internet.
Women go away and have plastic surgery.
Go buy two new workout outfits
and come back as a trainer on the Internet.
You like the bitch's style, so you're following her.
You do everything this bitch does but ain't losing no weight.
And one, and two, and one, and two.
You're trying to figure out, "Why ain't I losing weight, like her?"
But she went and had plastic surgery.
That's okay. Everybody do what you need to do for you.
Whatever makes you feel better, whatever it is, do what you do.
Here's what I think. We should put a rule and regulation on plastic surgery.
Just like we've got rules and regulations
on baby hair, lashes,
Facebook, teeth.
Listen, we got rules and regulations with plastic surgery.
If you've had more than three procedures,
you should no longer be able to have
your same sexy voice.
Come on now.
You should have to have Dr. Maya Angelou's voice.
Yeah, think about it.
Let's say Nicki Minaj. I love Nicki Minaj.
Have you seen the body on Nicki Minaj?
I'm talking about big old titties, small waist, big old ass.
I'm talking about tight. When that bitch start walking, everything stops.
Tight.
But let's be clear, Nicki has had some plastic surgery.
So, by law,
Nicki should not be able to have her same sexy voice.
Nicki should have to have Dr. Maya Angelou's voice.
Imagine interviewing Nicki about her next album that's coming out.
"So, Nicki, when is the next album coming out?"
[throaty voice] "Well, I'm looking to release the album
maybe in January 2023."
"I'm looking to, probably, release the album in January 2023."
[normal voice] You know she got to have the shake shit with it.
Who all gonna be on the album?
[throaty voice] "I'm thinking of putting Drake on the album
and probably Missy Elliott on the album."
"Why not just throw Lil Wayne on the album as well."
[normal voice] As a matter of fact, tonight,
ladies, when you're lying in bed,
getting ready to go to sleep, and all the lights are out,
and you and your man are getting ready to cuddle up and take it down,
soon as he roll over, I want you to say,
[throaty voice] "Wasn't Sommore good? I thought she was very good tonight."
Boca Raton, you've been great. Thank you all for coming out. Thank you.
[hip-hop music playing]