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cEAMӦZ##(jy2ݡG&A37PXi+lZVwvRɽ2ON@XIeG<DV]m{i"#/~cw午)tǁڞascQᔬE7wF'jnL{J	#>,r0>W˼Ɗ(=5za\a|&Xȷ_^":ȿBx.Z& H1ޙLgZ:fڧpU,N/IVQy컭;&]ˮaɲ0Ԏ؊" I thought,
"9.99. Fuck it, who cares, right?"

767
00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:49,960
- So I ordered them.

768
00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:52,960
They came the next day.
I opened them up. They were shit.

769
00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:56,480
Now, I don't know
what sweat shop they were made in,

770
00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,920
or what little eight-year-old
Chinese kid made them,

771
00:39:59,920 --> 00:40:02,600
but he should be fucking punished,
because the-- Ah.

772
00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:03,920
- Oh.

773
00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:07,520
And I was looking up
where to fucking complain

774
00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:09,160
to get him fired, right?

775
00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:13,560
And I found out that these kids
only get two dollars a day

776
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:15,640
in these fucking places, right?

777
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:19,640
But what happened to pride in your work?
Do you know what I mean?

778
00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:22,880
And I can tell some of you are thinking,

779
00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:25,080
"But he didn't think
Ricky Gervais would order them."

780
00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:28,520
Maybe he should be told there's a chance
that Ricky Gervais might order them.

781
00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:32,320
His owner should sit him down,
right, and say,

782
00:40:32,320 --> 00:40:34,480
"If Ricky Gervais orders these
and complains,

783
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:36,160
I'm gonna rape your mummy again."

784
00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:39,880
Was that too much? Sorry.

785
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:42,960
Leave it with me. Leave it with me.

786
00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:48,560
You'll realize this is great satire
when I'm dead.

787
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:54,680
So, uh...
I don't know how humanity will end.

788
00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:57,840
As I say, there's a long list.
Everything from...

789
00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:01,600
I can't believe nuclear war is back
on the table, after all we've learned.

790
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:04,080
But I think maybe the rise
of the pandemic,

791
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:07,320
where parasites and microbes
and bacteria again are...

792
00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:08,960
And our antibiotics fail.

793
00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:11,840
Or maybe those things will happen,
but we'll sort of evolve through it.

794
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:16,360
Like, we'll find out there's pockets
of sort of mutant people

795
00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:18,720
around the world
that are slightly resistant to radiation,

796
00:41:18,720 --> 00:41:21,800
and slightly resistant to microbes,
and we sort of start again.

797
00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:27,240
We don't really understand the mechanism
of human evolution since civilization,

798
00:41:27,240 --> 00:41:30,880
because it's never been based on,
you know, survival of the fittest

799
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:34,440
where "fittest" meant
just the biggest, strongest male

800
00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:36,040
gets to pass on his genetic material.

801
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:37,600
There's other paradigms, right?

802
00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:39,120
Uh, nature is brutal.

803
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:41,760
Sometimes it is the biggest,
strongest male that gets the female.

804
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:43,520
And even then, she has a litter.

805
00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:46,080
If there's a runt, she goes,
"Fuck it. Kill that."

806
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:49,720
"Eat it. Share it amongst the rest of us."
Now we don't do that in human society.

807
00:41:49,720 --> 00:41:50,880
We go to the other way.

808
00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:55,200
We spend more time, care, and attention
on the weak and the vulnerable

809
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:56,680
to give 'em a chance. Like...

810
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:59,320
If you're a father,
and you've got two kids...

811
00:41:59,320 --> 00:42:02,160
You've got little Timmy, who's six. Right?

812
00:42:02,160 --> 00:42:04,160
You've got Jack, who's eight.

813
00:42:04,160 --> 00:42:07,680
And you go to little Timmy, you go,
"Timmy, what do you want for Christmas?"

814
00:42:07,680 --> 00:42:08,600
And he goes,

815
00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:10,880
"Motorized wheelchair."

816
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:12,000
Aha...

817
00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:15,800
I promised Jane I wouldn't do the voice,
and I fucking forgot.

818
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:21,680
It's too late now, innit?

819
00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:24,320
"What do you want for Christmas, Timmy?"

820
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:26,240
"Motorized wheelchair."

821
00:42:27,240 --> 00:42:29,800
"Right.
Well, they start at two grand, so..."

822
00:42:29,800 --> 00:42:31,040
"Fucking hell."

823
00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:35,160
"What do you want, Jack?"
"Just a tennis racket, please, Dad."

824
00:42:35,160 --> 00:42:36,600
"Oh, good lad."

825
00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:41,040
"How is your tennis?"
"Uh, best in the school." "Oh, you..."

826
00:42:42,480 --> 00:42:44,080
"Also, a ramp."

827
00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:45,320
"Fuck me."

828
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:50,920
"So now we're doing fucking building work
at Christmas, are we? Fuck me."

829
00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:53,200
"Oh, sorry, Jack.
Can't afford your tennis racket."

830
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:55,920
"We gotta spend all the money
on a ramp and a motorized wheelchair

831
00:42:55,920 --> 00:42:57,760
for this money-grabbing little fucking..."

832
00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:02,800
"Why do you need a motorized one?"
"No arms."

833
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:06,480
"That's fair enough. That is fair enough."

834
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:11,200
I can tell some of you feel
a bit uncomfortable

835
00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:15,480
laughing at little Timmy
who's a little six-year-old lad.

836
00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:18,720
He's got a funny little voice
'cause his chest is all fucked.

837
00:43:21,480 --> 00:43:25,320
Got no arms, no legs.
Just like stumps, right?

838
00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:27,800
But let me... let me tell you summat
about Timmy

839
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:29,560
to make you feel better about yourselves.

840
00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:31,160
He's a fucking racist.

841
00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:35,040
- Yes. Horrible little shit, he is.

842
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,520
"You fucking... You little fucking bigot."

843
00:43:39,040 --> 00:43:42,400
"You fucking...
You disgusting, little fucking racist."

844
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:43,560
"You racist scum."

845
00:43:43,560 --> 00:43:46,760
"You filthy little fucking... You fascist."

846
00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:49,240
"You fuck... [spits] You disgust me."

847
00:43:55,720 --> 00:43:56,760
Homophobic.

848
00:43:57,280 --> 00:43:59,680
Yeah. He's like, "They're not like us."

849
00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:03,360
"Nothing's like you,
you disgusting little fucking..."

850
00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:06,360
"You prejudiced little piece of...
You ball of hate."

851
00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:09,640
"You disgusting little
fucking racist homophobe."

852
00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:11,360
"I wish we'd had a scan."

853
00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:14,000
-"You absolute... You..."

854
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:22,480
Misogynist.

855
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:25,520
If he could, he'd rape.

856
00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:27,920
- There's...

857
00:44:27,920 --> 00:44:29,560
There's your little Timmy.

858
00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:37,480
Some people don't think we evolved
in the first place.

859
00:44:37,480 --> 00:44:40,640
Some people think that God made us
all at once, in one fell swoop,

860
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:42,000
and by himself.

861
00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:44,760
I think if he'd had a wife or a mate,
there would've been questions

862
00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:47,160
when he was working.
They go, "What are you doing?"

863
00:44:48,080 --> 00:44:51,120
"Creating man. Creating man."
"Oh, what's it got?"

864
00:44:51,720 --> 00:44:55,360
"What do you mean, 'what's it got?'"
"Has he got claws, and fangs, and shit?"

865
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:58,080
"No, not really. No."
"Oh. Has he got... Has he got poison?"

866
00:44:58,080 --> 00:45:00,360
"No, no poison." "Oh."

867
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:02,720
"Has he got armor, like spikes and shit?"

868
00:45:02,720 --> 00:45:05,160
"No, no armor." "How will it survive?"

869
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:08,200
"Ah. It's got the best brain
in the animal kingdom."

870
00:45:08,200 --> 00:45:09,480
"It'll work stuff out."

871
00:45:09,480 --> 00:45:14,040
"It'll create weaponry to take down beasts
100 times mightier than itself."

872
00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:16,320
"It'll wear their carcasses
through the Ice Age."

873
00:45:16,320 --> 00:45:19,160
"It'll go through famine.
It'll go through world wars."

874
00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:21,960
"It'll eventually start
getting scared of words."

875
00:45:24,760 --> 00:45:26,000
"But...

876
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:36,600
...for 10,000 generations,
it'll be top dog."

877
00:45:36,600 --> 00:45:39,200
"What are they?" "His testicles." "Oh."

878
00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:41,560
"What are they for?"
"He keeps everything in there."

879
00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:46,720
"His... His seed, his DNA." "What's 'DNA'?"
"It's like a blueprint for life."

880
00:45:46,720 --> 00:45:49,200
"It determines what you're like,
what sex you are."

881
00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:51,000
"How many sexes are there?" "Two."

882
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:02,240
"Also, that's where he keeps
his testosterone,

883
00:46:02,240 --> 00:46:04,080
so he's fucking well hard. Right?"

884
00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:07,560
"And if you take a finger
and flick a testicle, he's fucked."

885
00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:10,680
"He's absolutely fucked. He's--
He's throwing up. He's on the floor."

886
00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:13,440
"He's out of the game.
Absolutely kippered."

887
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:16,800
"Why are you putting it on the outside?"
"For a laugh. Just for a laugh."

888
00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:22,400
Artificial intelligence,

889
00:46:22,400 --> 00:46:25,160
the latest existential threat to humanity.

890
00:46:25,160 --> 00:46:26,600
The rise of the robots.

891
00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:30,720
So intelligent, they can teach themselves.
They can teach each other.

892
00:46:30,720 --> 00:46:32,880
They can build each other, you know?

893
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:35,960
Um, soon, they'll know everything
there is to know and they'll hate us.

894
00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:37,000
Why wouldn't they?

895
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:40,520
And they'll be so realistic. They'll walk
amongst us. They'll go to work, right?

896
00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:42,240
You know when they're getting
really human?

897
00:46:42,240 --> 00:46:45,000
- When they start calling in sick.

898
00:46:45,000 --> 00:46:46,800
Mondays. Know what I mean?

899
00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:50,240
They've learned all the tricks.
They go, "I'm not coming in today."

900
00:46:50,800 --> 00:46:52,800
"Why not?" "I'm fed up."

901
00:46:53,640 --> 00:46:56,600
"What's the matter with you?"
They sort of scan social media.

902
00:46:56,600 --> 00:46:57,920
"ADHD."

903
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:01,440
"Self-diagnosed."

904
00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:04,520
They'll be in HR all the time
where they'll be like,

905
00:47:04,520 --> 00:47:07,280
"Ryan in Accounts is robo-phobic."

906
00:47:08,360 --> 00:47:11,760
"Why? What'd he say?"
"Called me a whiny plastic cunt."

907
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:15,920
I think we should be allowed
to insult robots when it's happening.

908
00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:19,680
We made them to make our life easier,
and that would get things off our chest.

909
00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:22,760
It's bad enough with real people.
Getting in trouble saying the wrong thing.

910
00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:24,760
People taking things the wrong way,
you know?

911
00:47:24,760 --> 00:47:29,120
Like, "Oh my God. Oh.
I made Fat Linda cry today. Oh."

912
00:47:30,040 --> 00:47:32,440
"Oh, what happened?"
"I just shouted out to her,

913
00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:35,560
then I remembered
we only call her that behind her back."

914
00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:40,760
I'm sure people didn't get offended
all the time when I was little.

915
00:47:40,760 --> 00:47:43,120
I might be remembering it wrong,
but not grownups.

916
00:47:43,120 --> 00:47:44,840
Not your parents, not your grandparents.

917
00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:48,760
They grew up dodging bombs,
and their firstborn having polio,

918
00:47:48,760 --> 00:47:51,040
and the menfolk dying at 50
of lung disease.

919
00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:53,280
They could take a fucking joke, right?

920
00:47:53,280 --> 00:47:56,440
It was all about the wind-up.
I used to wind up my mum all the time.

921
00:47:56,440 --> 00:47:57,640
This is a true story.

922
00:47:57,640 --> 00:48:01,640
When I went off to university,
after about a week, I phoned home.

923
00:48:01,640 --> 00:48:03,160
My mum answered. She went, "Hello?"

924
00:48:03,160 --> 00:48:06,600
I went, "It's Ricky." She went,
"You all right?" I went, "Not really."

925
00:48:06,600 --> 00:48:08,880
"I'm in the hospital. I think I'm blind."

926
00:48:08,880 --> 00:48:11,720
She went, "What?"
I went, "No, I'm only joking." Right?

927
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:17,960
She went, "You silly bugger." She went,
"I could've had a heart attack." Right?

928
00:48:17,960 --> 00:48:21,320
And she's right. She could've had
a heart attack, and I knew that.

929
00:48:21,320 --> 00:48:24,520
That's how committed I am
to having a laugh.

930
00:48:26,920 --> 00:48:29,080
You're welcome. You're welcome.

931
00:48:33,880 --> 00:48:36,720
Space travel, the last-ditch attempt.

932
00:48:36,720 --> 00:48:39,880
When we fuck this planet completely,
can we leave its dying husk

933
00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:41,800
and move to a new one and start again?

934
00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:43,800
I don't think so. Not in my lifetime.

935
00:48:43,800 --> 00:48:46,040
Probably not in yours, you know?
It's like...

936
00:48:46,040 --> 00:48:49,360
The closest one,
the only one viable is Mars,

937
00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:52,280
and that's nine months away
on a rocket, right?

938
00:48:52,280 --> 00:48:54,000
It's got no atmosphere,

939
00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:57,120
an average temperature
of minus 70 degrees.

940
00:48:57,120 --> 00:48:58,440
How's this for irony?

941
00:48:58,440 --> 00:49:02,400
Scientists are working out whether they
can detonate nuclear warheads in the crust

942
00:49:02,400 --> 00:49:05,400
to release the frozen water,
to cause an atmosphere

943
00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:08,280
and get a little bit
of global warming going. I mean...

944
00:49:08,280 --> 00:49:10,120
-  I don't know.

945
00:49:10,120 --> 00:49:13,920
It's only billionaires that have got
enough money to waste on exploring--

946
00:49:13,920 --> 00:49:16,320
There's nothing out there, you know?
It's like--

947
00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:18,520
Now you can do space tourism.
Have you heard of that?

948
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:23,200
You can pay $150,000.
They shoot you into space for an hour,

949
00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:26,120
and you float around going,
"I'm in space! I'm in--"

950
00:49:26,120 --> 00:49:27,440
We're already in space.

951
00:49:27,440 --> 00:49:30,840
Earth is right in the fucking middle
of space, right?

952
00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:35,320
It's the best bit of space there is.
It's got car parks and cinemas.

953
00:49:35,320 --> 00:49:38,680
It's like-- There's nothing else to see.
It's like living in London and going,

954
00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:41,440
"I wonder what Coventry's like."
You don't.

955
00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:48,320
But I'm optimistic.

956
00:49:48,840 --> 00:49:49,920
I am. I think...

957
00:49:51,640 --> 00:49:52,720
I think, uh...

958
00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:56,880
I think people care
about the planet, deep down.

959
00:49:56,880 --> 00:50:00,960
I think it's just that most people
on the planet don't realize

960
00:50:00,960 --> 00:50:04,040
that most people on the planet
are destroying the planet.

961
00:50:04,040 --> 00:50:06,960
Most people don't realize that,
in my lifetime,

962
00:50:06,960 --> 00:50:10,600
we've wiped out 70%
of all animal populations.

963
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:13,760
And what's left, en masse,
on the Earth, of animals,

964
00:50:13,760 --> 00:50:18,600
is 36% human, 60% farm animals
just to feed humans,

965
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:20,360
and 4% wild now.

966
00:50:20,360 --> 00:50:23,200
People don't realize that
we have to tear down entire rainforests,

967
00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:27,520
the lungs of the earth, just to grow grain
to feed these cows to feed us.

968
00:50:27,520 --> 00:50:30,760
We steal grain from Third World countries,
'cause they want hard currency.

969
00:50:30,760 --> 00:50:34,440
They can't even feed their own people.
We take their grain, feed our cow.

970
00:50:34,440 --> 00:50:37,200
Meat eaters. If you eat meat every day...

971
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:41,040
If you gave up one day a week,
we'd feed another hundred million people.

972
00:50:41,040 --> 00:50:45,040
But I think people care, deep down.
They go, "It's out of sight, out of mind."

973
00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:47,960
Think of the animal that most people know.
Their dog. They love their dog.

974
00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:52,640
They wouldn't let anyone hurt their dog.
And a dog is a cow, is a sheep, is a deer.

975
00:50:52,640 --> 00:50:54,360
People love their dogs so much,

976
00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:57,440
they won't even watch a fictional thing
where a dog gets hurt.

977
00:50:57,440 --> 00:50:58,880
And I get that.

978
00:50:58,880 --> 00:51:00,680
There's a-- There's a website.

979
00:51:01,200 --> 00:51:02,520
It's a real website.

980
00:51:02,520 --> 00:51:05,240
It's called doesthedogdie.com. Right?

981
00:51:06,880 --> 00:51:11,480
And it was set up
because people would watch a film

982
00:51:11,480 --> 00:51:14,960
or a program with a dog in it,
and summat would happen to the dog,

983
00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:15,960
and they'd turn it off.

984
00:51:15,960 --> 00:51:18,320
It'd ruin it for them.
It'd ruin their day, right?

985
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:21,600
So this website was set up.
You could go to it,

986
00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:25,640
you could put in any film or TV show,
and ask, "Does a dog die?"

987
00:51:25,640 --> 00:51:27,800
And someone would answer you,
"No," or whatever.

988
00:51:27,800 --> 00:51:31,200
And, um, it's become a thing
for anyone's phobias.

989
00:51:31,200 --> 00:51:33,000
Anything you don't want to see in a film,

990
00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:35,760
you just look up the film,
and they answer your question, right?

991
00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:38,200
So, uh, I looked up one film on here.

992
00:51:38,200 --> 00:51:40,120
Uh, <i>Schindler's List.</i>

993
00:51:45,240 --> 00:51:48,960
Absolutely real. <i>Schindler's List.</i>
Doesthedogdie.com. Right?

994
00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:51,680
First question, "Does a dog die?" "No."

995
00:51:51,680 --> 00:51:53,200
"Does a cat die?" "No."

996
00:51:53,200 --> 00:51:54,920
"Are any animals abused?"

997
00:51:54,920 --> 00:51:57,840
Someone answers, "There is a chicken
that's handled roughly,

998
00:51:57,840 --> 00:51:59,360
but otherwise unharmed."

999
00:52:01,760 --> 00:52:04,440
Now, I love animals
more than anyone I know.

1000
00:52:04,440 --> 00:52:05,600
But if I was Jewish,

1001
00:52:05,600 --> 00:52:08,160
I'd be slightly offended
by this avenue of questioning.

1002
00:52:08,160 --> 00:52:09,480
Imagine that in real life.

1003
00:52:09,480 --> 00:52:11,760
Imagine someone says, "Oh, yeah, my...

1004
00:52:11,760 --> 00:52:13,960
my grandparents
were murdered by the Nazis."

1005
00:52:13,960 --> 00:52:15,160
You go, "Oh, what happened?"

1006
00:52:15,160 --> 00:52:18,680
"Oh, they were dragged from their house
and sent to the gas chamber." "Oh..."

1007
00:52:18,680 --> 00:52:20,280
"Was a chicken hurt?" "What?"

1008
00:52:23,400 --> 00:52:26,600
But as I say, it's become...
You can ask any question about anything.

1009
00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:29,600
Someone says, "Is there child abuse?
Is teeth damaged?"

1010
00:52:29,600 --> 00:52:32,480
"Is there a hanging?
Does someone struggle to breathe?"

1011
00:52:32,480 --> 00:52:34,760
Yeah. Well, yeah.

1012
00:52:34,760 --> 00:52:36,440
Yes. Um...

1013
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:39,960
Someone says,
"Does someone fall down stairs?"

1014
00:52:39,960 --> 00:52:42,400
Who's scared of slapstick? It's like...

1015
00:52:44,640 --> 00:52:48,920
Anyway, so this website was founded
in 2010,

1016
00:52:48,920 --> 00:52:50,840
so it's running for about 13 years. Right?

1017
00:52:50,840 --> 00:52:55,080
And the later questions
start reflecting the times we live in now,

1018
00:52:55,080 --> 00:52:58,160
and they get more and more fragile
and narcissistic.

1019
00:52:58,160 --> 00:53:02,280
These questions were asked this year.
Check it out. <i>Schindler's List.</i> Right?

1020
00:53:02,280 --> 00:53:05,120
Someone says, "Are there any fat jokes?"

1021
00:53:06,040 --> 00:53:08,880
Would that make this worse? Wh--

1022
00:53:09,720 --> 00:53:10,640
Imagine the real thing.

1023
00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:13,200
Imagine I'm in
a concentration camp, right?

1024
00:53:13,200 --> 00:53:15,680
I'm naked. Everyone around me is naked.

1025
00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:18,520
We've got a commandant herding us
towards the gas chamber,

1026
00:53:18,520 --> 00:53:20,720
and he goes, "Move it, fatty." Right?

1027
00:53:20,720 --> 00:53:22,440
And I go, "Rude."

1028
00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:28,920
"Nope."

1029
00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:32,160
"That has ruined the whole experience
if I'm honest."

1030
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:39,560
Someone asks, "Is there hate speech?"

1031
00:53:40,120 --> 00:53:42,760
- Yeah, there is.

1032
00:53:42,760 --> 00:53:44,160
Suck it up, buttercup.

1033
00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:48,400
"Are there any man-in-a-dress jokes?"

1034
00:53:48,960 --> 00:53:51,240
- Very few jokes.

1035
00:53:51,240 --> 00:53:54,920
If you've come to this film for a giggle,
you're gonna be very disappointed.

1036
00:53:56,560 --> 00:53:58,320
But this one takes the biscuit for me.

1037
00:53:58,320 --> 00:54:00,760
Remember, this is a movie
set in the 1940s,

1038
00:54:00,760 --> 00:54:03,520
about, arguably, the worst atrocity
in civilized human history.

1039
00:54:03,520 --> 00:54:04,640
Check this out.

1040
00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:06,640
"Is someone misgendered?"

1041
00:54:06,640 --> 00:54:08,560
- Fucking hell.

1042
00:54:10,800 --> 00:54:12,000
Oh shit!

1043
00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:14,920
This is quite sweet.
"Is there any antisemitism?"

1044
00:54:14,920 --> 00:54:17,040
-  Yeah.

1045
00:54:17,040 --> 00:54:19,400
This is pretty much the mother lode.

1046
00:54:19,400 --> 00:54:20,640
Right?

1047
00:54:20,640 --> 00:54:22,160
Forget Kanye.

1048
00:54:22,160 --> 00:54:24,000
- This...

1049
00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:26,480
This is off the fucking charts.

1050
00:54:26,480 --> 00:54:28,400
Don't do that
when you're talking about this.

1051
00:54:28,400 --> 00:54:29,800
- Fuck's sake!

1052
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:32,760
I was doing the graph.
I was doing like that.

1053
00:54:32,760 --> 00:54:34,360
This is off the charts.

1054
00:54:34,960 --> 00:54:36,280
That's...

1055
00:54:37,560 --> 00:54:40,120
Wouldn't things have been different
if that was Hitler's salute?

1056
00:54:40,120 --> 00:54:42,800
The whole thing would've been like,
"It's Hitler."

1057
00:54:43,520 --> 00:54:45,200
- Like that.

1058
00:54:45,200 --> 00:54:46,120
Hiya.

1059
00:54:50,640 --> 00:54:53,600
This is interesting.
"Does it have a sad ending?"

1060
00:54:53,600 --> 00:54:56,880
Right? Someone says yes,
and then someone else says no.

1061
00:54:56,880 --> 00:54:59,000
And I thought about it.
But then I remembered...

1062
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:01,120
If you've... If you've seen the film,
if you remember,

1063
00:55:01,120 --> 00:55:02,840
when the story sort of ends,

1064
00:55:03,320 --> 00:55:06,280
Spielberg then tacks on
a real bit of footage

1065
00:55:06,280 --> 00:55:11,640
where he gets real-life descendants
of people murdered in the Holocaust,

1066
00:55:11,640 --> 00:55:14,760
and he films them
coming into a Jewish cemetery,

1067
00:55:14,760 --> 00:55:17,400
and they each leave a stone on the grave

1068
00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:19,880
to represent their family members
that were murdered.

1069
00:55:19,880 --> 00:55:24,040
It builds up, and it's very moving.
So I think I get the ambiguity.

1070
00:55:24,040 --> 00:55:26,240
"Does it have a sad ending?" Yes,

1071
00:55:26,240 --> 00:55:29,800
in the sense that six million Jews
pointlessly lost their life,

1072
00:55:29,800 --> 00:55:32,480
but no, in the sense
there was still enough left over

1073
00:55:32,480 --> 00:55:33,920
to build a little rockery.

1074
00:55:34,520 --> 00:55:36,240
- So...

1075
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:47,040
I asked one question myself on this.

1076
00:55:47,640 --> 00:55:49,400
"Is James Corden in it?"

1077
00:55:58,040 --> 00:56:00,520
I did, um,
look at one other film, briefly.

1078
00:56:00,520 --> 00:56:04,480
Uh, <i>Titanic.</i> Right? And it's got
all the same sort of questions.

1079
00:56:04,480 --> 00:56:06,840
The one where it goes,
"Are any animals harmed?"

1080
00:56:06,840 --> 00:56:07,880
Someone answers,

1081
00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:10,480
"There are no explicit scenes
of animals being harmed,

1082
00:56:10,480 --> 00:56:13,920
but Rose did have a goldfish,
which probably didn't make it."

1083
00:56:16,440 --> 00:56:19,040
I think the goldfish
in the bowl on the sideboard

1084
00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:21,280
when the boat hits the iceberg,
and he's all like that.

1085
00:56:21,280 --> 00:56:24,000
And people are running around going,
"Ahh! We're going in the water!"

1086
00:56:24,000 --> 00:56:27,120
And he's all smug then.
And he's going, "Don't worry about it."

1087
00:56:28,320 --> 00:56:30,240
"Oh no, not water."

1088
00:56:31,640 --> 00:56:35,320
Then he gets in the sea, and goes,
"It's very salty, innit? It's very salty."

1089
00:56:43,680 --> 00:56:45,720
I'll leave you with a true story.

1090
00:56:46,560 --> 00:56:48,720
It's still on the theme
of "does the dog die?"

1091
00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:51,280
When I was seven years old,

1092
00:56:51,280 --> 00:56:55,240
my mum took me to the cinema
to see a film called <i>Old Yeller.</i>

1093
00:56:55,960 --> 00:56:56,960
Beautiful film.

1094
00:56:56,960 --> 00:56:58,800
Yeah, made in the late '50s.

1095
00:56:58,800 --> 00:57:02,720
And sort of set
in the Wild West on this homestead.

1096
00:57:02,720 --> 00:57:07,160
And it's about a... a kid
who adopts this little junkyard dog.

1097
00:57:07,160 --> 00:57:09,560
And he calls him Old Yeller,
and they grow up together.

1098
00:57:09,560 --> 00:57:13,040
And it's a buddy movie. It's a love story
between this kid and his dog.

1099
00:57:13,040 --> 00:57:15,000
Eventually, when the dog's big,

1100
00:57:15,000 --> 00:57:17,560
and, you know,
he protects this kid in the wild,

1101
00:57:17,560 --> 00:57:20,080
he fights a cougar,
and a bear, and a wolf, or whatever.

1102
00:57:20,600 --> 00:57:24,240
But towards the end of the film,
the kid's about 13, maybe,

1103
00:57:24,240 --> 00:57:25,600
it takes a dark turn.

1104
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:29,480
I remember the kid sorta looking
at Old Yeller who's locked in the barn.

1105
00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:32,600
And the mother's suspicious, right?
She goes, "Is Old Yeller all right?"

1106
00:57:32,600 --> 00:57:35,880
"Yeah, he's fine. He's fine." But the kid
knows that he's been bitten, right?

1107
00:57:35,880 --> 00:57:38,400
And soon, Old Yeller
starts foaming at the mouth and...

1108
00:57:38,400 --> 00:57:40,200
...getting aggressive.

1109
00:57:40,200 --> 00:57:44,720
And the mother turns up with a gun,
and the kid goes, "No."

1110
00:57:44,720 --> 00:57:46,640
And she goes,
"You know we've gotta do it."

1111
00:57:46,640 --> 00:57:49,760
He goes, "Yeah, but he's my dog.
I'll do it."

1112
00:57:49,760 --> 00:57:51,640
And he shoots his own dog.

1113
00:57:51,640 --> 00:57:55,640
And I was, like, in floods
for like a year. Right?

1114
00:57:56,240 --> 00:57:57,800
Anyway, fast-forward.

1115
00:57:57,800 --> 00:58:00,160
A few years ago, I was on tour.

1116
00:58:00,160 --> 00:58:03,200
I was on a train,
and I get a text from Jane.

1117
00:58:03,720 --> 00:58:06,200
She says,
"Oh, I'm finally watching <i>Old Yeller."</i>

1118
00:58:06,200 --> 00:58:08,480
And I sent back, "Oh, enjoy." Right?

1119
00:58:09,960 --> 00:58:13,760
I didn't think, right?
Twenty minutes later, I get a text.

1120
00:58:13,760 --> 00:58:15,960
"Nothing happens to that dog, does it?"

1121
00:58:16,520 --> 00:58:18,640
Oh, I couldn't believe my fucking luck.

1122
00:58:18,640 --> 00:58:20,280
- I...

1123
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:22,560
Oh, I thought she knew.

1124
00:58:22,560 --> 00:58:25,280
So I sent back, "No, of course not."

1125
00:58:27,280 --> 00:58:29,360
One hour later, I get a text,

1126
00:58:29,360 --> 00:58:31,320
"You cunt!"

1127
00:58:36,480 --> 00:58:37,400
Thank you.

1128
00:58:38,440 --> 00:58:39,720
Thank you. Thank you.

1129
00:58:40,520 --> 00:58:42,240
Thank you very much. Cheers.

1130
00:58:42,240 --> 00:58:44,240
Thanks to everyone who bought a ticket.

1131
00:58:44,240 --> 00:58:47,400
If you bought a platinum ticket,
the money goes to an animal charity,

1132
00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:51,400
and you've raised two million dollars
so far. So thank you so much.

1133
00:58:55,160 --> 00:58:57,800
I even get a bit of stick about that
on social media.

1134
00:58:57,800 --> 00:59:01,120
There's always someone who goes, "Oh,
why do you only speak up for animals?"

1135
00:59:01,120 --> 00:59:04,680
And I go, "Well, 'cause they haven't got
a voice of their own, except parrots."

1136
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:08,000
Um, and that's...
I think that's why we don't eat parrots.

1137
00:59:08,000 --> 00:59:11,520
Everyone around the world eats
every other type of bird, don't they?

1138
00:59:11,520 --> 00:59:15,560
Everyone in the world eats
fucking chickens, and ducks, and geese,

1139
00:59:15,560 --> 00:59:17,600
and turkeys, and ostriches.

1140
00:59:17,600 --> 00:59:19,240
No one eats parrots. Do you know why?

1141
00:59:19,240 --> 00:59:22,040
If you go and try and eat a parrot,
it goes, "Fuck off, you cunt.”

1142
00:59:23,680 --> 00:59:26,880
So speaking up really does work. Right?

1143
00:59:27,800 --> 00:59:30,040
And that has sort of been
one of the themes of the show.

1144
00:59:30,040 --> 00:59:31,440
'Cause I know, in the real world,

1145
00:59:31,440 --> 00:59:34,520
in normal jobs and everyday life,
you get in trouble.

1146
00:59:34,520 --> 00:59:36,640
People tell you off
for saying certain things,

1147
00:59:36,640 --> 00:59:39,720
or thinking certain things,
or even laughing at certain things, right?

1148
00:59:39,720 --> 00:59:41,720
They say you're bad for laughing at that.

1149
00:59:41,720 --> 00:59:45,120
And some of you take it to heart.
You go, "Oh my God. Am I a bad person?"

1150
00:59:45,120 --> 00:59:49,080
No, you're not. One, you can't choose
your sense of humor. You can't.

1151
00:59:49,080 --> 00:59:50,160
It's involuntary.

1152
00:59:50,160 --> 00:59:55,160
And two, that's exactly what humor is for.
To laugh at bad shit to get us through it.

1153
00:59:55,160 --> 00:59:56,480
Right? And...

1154
00:59:56,480 --> 00:59:58,560
- Uh...

1155
01:00:03,920 --> 01:00:06,520
And we've established
you can't even choose your own thoughts.

1156
01:00:06,520 --> 01:00:09,400
How often have you been on a train station
and you've suddenly thought,

1157
01:00:09,400 --> 01:00:11,320
"What if I just pushed that bloke?" And...

1158
01:00:13,880 --> 01:00:16,720
And then you go,
"Why have I thought that?! Am I--"

1159
01:00:17,240 --> 01:00:19,600
"Am I a psychopath?"
No. You're not. You're the opposite.

1160
01:00:19,600 --> 01:00:20,960
You're a safe pair of hands.

1161
01:00:20,960 --> 01:00:22,080
You're testing yourself,

1162
01:00:22,080 --> 01:00:24,040
you're reminding yourself
how terrible that'd be.

1163
01:00:24,040 --> 01:00:25,440
You're a good person, right?

1164
01:00:25,440 --> 01:00:27,400
I don't get that one. Um...

1165
01:00:28,680 --> 01:00:32,040
What I get is,
I'm talking to a really sweet old lady,

1166
01:00:32,040 --> 01:00:35,400
and I suddenly start thinking,
"What if I just spat in her face now?"

1167
01:00:35,400 --> 01:00:37,760
- Why would I...

1168
01:00:42,320 --> 01:00:47,280
Another theme of the show has been,
"words change, and I'm woke, ha-ha."

1169
01:00:47,280 --> 01:00:48,880
But here's the irony.

1170
01:00:48,880 --> 01:00:52,560
I think I am woke,
but I think that word has changed.

1171
01:00:52,560 --> 01:00:55,640
I think if woke still means
what it used to mean,

1172
01:00:55,640 --> 01:00:58,080
that you're aware of your own privilege,

1173
01:00:58,080 --> 01:01:01,320
you try and maximize equality,
minimize oppression,

1174
01:01:01,320 --> 01:01:05,680
be anti-racist, anti-sexist,
anti-homophobic... Yes, I'm definitely woke.

1175
01:01:05,680 --> 01:01:11,040
If woke now means being
a puritanical, authoritarian bully,

1176
01:01:11,040 --> 01:01:13,920
who gets people fired
for an honest opinion or even a fact,

1177
01:01:13,920 --> 01:01:15,360
then, no, I'm not woke.

1178
01:01:15,360 --> 01:01:16,320
Fuck that.

1179
01:01:25,080 --> 01:01:27,040
But here's the deal.

1180
01:01:27,040 --> 01:01:29,720
To each their own.
Laugh at whatever you find funny.

1181
01:01:29,720 --> 01:01:33,120
All laughter's good,
and you're amazing. Good night.



