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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[audience chattering]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[audience cheering and whistling]

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Hello.

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Thank you. [clears throat]

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Thank you. Thank you very much.

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- Cheers. Thank you.
- [man 1] Whoo!

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No. Shh. That's-- You've--

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- Thank you.
- [man 1 yells]

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- No, you know the score.
- [man 1 yells]

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- Shut the fuck up.
- [audience laughing]

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Thank you.

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Welcome to my new show.

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So new, in fact, it's still evolving.

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I've got bits tonight
I haven't done before, right?

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[audience cheering]

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If I ad-lib,
I haven't even thought it before.

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And I have some terrible fucking thoughts.

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[audience laughing]

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But you can't help that, can you?
You can't choose your thoughts.

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They just appear. It's too late.

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You have a thought, and it goes,
"I'm a thought."

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And you go, "Oh fuck, I thought that."

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[audience laughing]

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And then, sometimes,
the thought will go, "Now say it."

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[audience laughing]

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And I say it, and...

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Netflix.

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[audience laughing]

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My last show, <i>SuperNature,</i>
dropped on Netflix last year.

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- Um, big backlash, wasn't there?
- [audience cheering]

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Big-- Oh, big backlash.
People going, "You can't say that."

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- You can. You can.
- [audience laughing]

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I did. Um...

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[audience cheering and whistling]

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Yeah, the inevitable backlash,

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which made it the most-watched special
of the year, so...

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[audience laughing]

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- I've learned my lesson. Um...
- [audience laughing]

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No, I have learned my lesson,

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and that's why I'm going to be woke
from now on.

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- [audience laughing and booing]
- It's about time. Well, I'm sorry.

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Well, I am woke.

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And now I'm woke, the first thing
I've gotta do is change my Twitter bio.

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'Cause at the moment, it's, like,
a list of the shows I've created.

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But now I'm woke,
I've gotta pop in the word "anti-fascist"...

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- [audience laughing]
- ...so people know I'm not a fascist,

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'cause that is a big problem
at the moment. Um...

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People come up to you and go, "Rick,
have you been imprisoning journalists?"

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I go, "No." They go, "Oh, interesting."

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[audience laughing]

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They go, "Have you been gassing Jews?"
I go, "No."

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They go, "Pop it in your bio then,
you silly cunt."

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[audience laughing]

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[scattered applause]

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So, yeah, I'm not a fascist.

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It's an odd thing to declare, isn't it,
that you're not a fascist?

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We assume, don't we?

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You wouldn't go up to someone
in the street and do that, would you?

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"Oh, by the way,
I'm not a fascist." You know?

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- [audience laughing]
- It's like they protest too much.

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It's like going into a school and going,
"I'm not a pedo."

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-"So just forget I even mentioned it."
- [audience laughing]

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"These kids are safe running around me.
Don't worry." [laughs]

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"They can run around naked
for all I care."

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-"I'm not a pedo, so..."
- [audience laughing]

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Of course, the word "fascist" has changed.
Traditionally, the word "fascist"

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meant a member of a far-right
authoritarian regime

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that uses militarism and violence
to suppress individual rights.

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Now the word "fascist" can mean
"liked a Joe Rogan tweet."

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- So...
- [audience laughing]

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...words change, yeah?

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And that's part of the reason
I'm gonna become woke.

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Words change, and I don't wanna be
left behind, you know.

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I don't wanna end up
like my granddad in the '70s. Oh.

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He was all like, "coloreds" this
and "queers" that. [groans]

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Although the word "queer"
is all right again now, so...

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If you wait long enough,
it just goes full circle.

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- Just...
- [audience laughing]

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- Just be patient is my ad--
- [audience laughing]

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So, yeah, you can...
you can use the word "queer" now.

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You still can't use it as a noun,
only as an adjective.

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You can't go up to someone
and go, "You're a queer,"

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but you can go,
"Hear about Darren? He's queer now."

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[audience laughing]

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If Darren is definitely bent.

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[audience laughing]

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You can't go around
just slagging off Darren willy-nilly.

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Do you know what I mean? You can--

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You can get sued in this country
for saying someone's gay if they're not,

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you know, which is a homophobic law,

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'cause you can't be sued
the other way around.

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You can't be sued
for saying someone's not gay if they are,

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which seems unfair, doesn't it?

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Like, I could go up
to Britain's biggest gay and go,

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"All right, Elton." All right?

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- And--
- [audience laughing]

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He'd love that. He'd fucking love that.

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If that's your game,
you wanna be top of the pile, so to speak.

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Right?

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- [laughs]
- [audience laughing]

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I'd go, "All right, Elton?"
He'd go, "Yeah." I'd go,

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<i>♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Ha-ha
You're not a gay ♪</i>

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- [audience laughing]
- He'd go, "I bloody am." All right?

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He'd go, "I'm gonna sue you."

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- I'd go, "You can't. You can't."
- [audience laughing]

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He'd go, "But know that I am gay."
I go, "I don't believe you are."

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He'd go, "Come home with me and see
the shit I do if you don't believe me."

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[audience laughing]

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Of course, the word "queer" has changed.

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Again, traditionally,
the word "queer" used to mean

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uh, someone who was attracted
to the same sex as themselves.

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A gay man, all right?

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Now, the word "queer" can mean
a straight man who wants some attention.

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[audience laughing]

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"I'm all queer. I'm all queer now."

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"Are you?"

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"Yeah, I'm ri-- I'm--"

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-"I'm right queer now, I am."
- [audience laughing]

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"Are you?" "Yeah."
"What about your girlfriend?"

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-"Yeah, she's queer and all. We're just..."
- [audience laughing]

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"We're just two queers
queering each other up."

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[audience laughing]

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"Suck a cock." "Nah."

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[audience laughing]

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"No, didn't think so."

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"I'm not that sort of queer."

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[groans] "What sort of a queer are you?"

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"Dyed my hair blue."

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[audience laughing]

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"So did my grandmother
and she fucking loved cock."

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-"So, what-- What are we saying?"
- [audience laughing]

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- [Gervais laughs]
- [audience clapping and cheering]

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I have no evidence for that.

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[audience laughing]

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We... We never had that conversation.

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- [man 2 yells]
- [Gervais laughs]

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So words change is my point.

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Like the word "handicapped." All right?

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Again, traditionally,
that was the politically correct term,

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the all-inclusive term
for cripples and shit, right?

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- Uh--
- [audience laughing]

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But then, they went,
"No, we wanna be disabled."

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They didn't wanna be disabled. They said--

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- [audience laughing]
- [laughs] They said-- They said--

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[laughs]

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They said,
"We wanna be referred to as 'disabled.'"

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"We don't like the term
'handicapped' anymore."

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"Stop using it. Say 'disabled.'"
We went, "Fine." And that's great.

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Just tell me the rules and I'll--
In fact, I'm a stickler for the rules.

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Like, if I was on a beach
and a woman came running and went,

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"Help! Help!
My handicapped toddler's drowning!"

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I'd go, "Sorry your what, love? What?"

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[audience laughing]

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"My handicapped toddler's drowning,
and he can't swim."

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"Whoa. Do you mean
your disabled toddler is drowning?"

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"Yeah." I go,
"Right. Well, let's-- Oh, dead."

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- [audience laughing]
- Dead.

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Wasted too much time being woke, didn't I?

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[audience laughing]

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Well, I am woke now, and I can prove it.

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Here you go. I love illegal immigrants.

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Yeah, sue me. Sometimes I go down to Dover
for the day, right?

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And I... I look out, right? I look out.

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I look for a boat,
and I see a dinghy with about 60 of 'em.

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- And I go, "Over here." Like that, right?
- [audience laughing]

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And I pull 'em in. I pull 'em into shore.
And I go, "Women and children first."

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They go, "There are no women and chil--"
"Just you lads, is it? Come on, lads."

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[audience laughing and clapping]

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[woman 1] Whoo!

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If I go down there and there's no boat,
I am absolutely fucking gutted.

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- I don't--
- [audience laughing]

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I just sort of wander into town,
and, uh, I stand by the traffic lights,

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and I wait for a big lorry
to pull up, right?

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And I look underneath, and there's a lad
sort of clutching like that.

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And I go, "Where you headed?"
He goes, "Gary Lineker's house."

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- I go, "It's just down there." [laughs]
- [audience laughing]

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[audience clapping]

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Yeah.

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Fuck borders. Fuck--
We don't need borders, do we?

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Be like the Vikings.
They didn't care about borders, did they?

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I've got a little bit
of Viking blood in me.

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Well, we all have,
'cause of all the raping they did.

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[audience laughing]

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They say it was raping and pillaging,
but I think it was mainly for the raping.

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I think they added the pillaging bit
for the wives. Know what I mean?

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They went down and went,
"We're off to Great Britain."

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"Oh, why?"

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"Just a bit of pillaging."

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[audience laughing]

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"Just pillaging?"

194
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"Just pillaging, babe."

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[audience laughing]

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"All right.
Why are you wearing your rape hat?"

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[audience laughing]

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So this show is called <i>Armageddon,</i>

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and it's all about
how I think humanity might end,

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'cause there's a long list
of possibilities, you know?

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We're on a precipice, you know.

202
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Um, it could be, uh, anything
from global warming,

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the rise of the... the pandemic, you know.

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Um, nuclear war,
our own stupidity, basically.

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'Cause we are getting more stupid
as a species. No doubt about that.

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You can now do a university degree course
in Taylor Swift.

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How fucking low, academically, can you go?

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There's an institute in London
called the School of Flower Arranging.

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I went past it. I couldn't believe it.
"School of Flower Arra--"

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I looked in,
and there's people having lectures.

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Flower arranging!

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My mum used to pick flowers
every day from the garden,

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00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,640
cut flowers, put 'em in vases
around the house.

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At no point did anyone come around and go,
"What unqualified cunt did these?"

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[audience laughing]

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Uh, yeah, the Earth is in a terrible mess,
and it's my fault. My generation's fault.

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And the generation before, the Boomers,

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00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,880
with their deforestation
and their fossil fuels,

219
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:06,680
ruining the ozone layer,
raising the temperature by a few degrees.

220
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So parasites, you know, bacteria,
and the zootrophic pandemics

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are just gonna get worse and worse.

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Like, if you're 20 years old now,

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you're gonna have
a very different middle age to me.

224
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I've had the best 60 years
of civilization.

225
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,080
But if you're 20 now, in 40 years' time,

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you're gonna be in your house,
wearing a mask...

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00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:27,840
crying.

228
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,920
[audience laughing]

229
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Like you do now over jokes.

230
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,760
[audience laughing]

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00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,080
[audience clapping and cheering]

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And I'm not gonna be around to see that,

233
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,480
but I am gonna spend my entire fortune,
from now on,

234
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,560
on private jets to make sure
it definitely fucking happens.

235
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:49,680
[audience laughing]

236
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:50,680
[woman 2] Whoo!

237
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:51,840
[man 3] Yeah, Ricky!

238
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:55,920
We're gonna be the first generation that
future generations are jealous of, right?

239
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,160
'Cause we had it all,
and we're using it all up.

240
00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:02,000
We're using up all the fresh water.
We're using up all the fossil fuel.

241
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,240
Usually, you look back in history
and you feel sorry.

242
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:08,520
You go, "Oh, how did they live like that?
Oh, how did they get around?"

243
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,520
"No indoor toilets."

244
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,120
I've got nine toilets in my house.

245
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:14,880
- [audience laughing]
- Um...

246
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,800
And sometimes, I just run around
flushing 'em for a laugh. Like that.

247
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,240
[audience laughing]

248
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:20,800
Just so that in 40 years' time,

249
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,200
Greta Thunberg
has to shit out of a window.

250
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,440
[audience laughing]

251
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:31,640
I've got 28 radiators.
I always have them on full.

252
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,200
Then I put the air con on full,

253
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,920
and it sort of settles
at about 20 degrees.

254
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,160
A lovely... It's how the cat likes it.

255
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:43,600
She loves it at 20 degrees.
And I-- I spoil my cat. Um...

256
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:45,640
I love cats. I love having a cat.

257
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:48,240
Thing about--
Cats are great, but if you let 'em out,

258
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,640
they bring home
the most disgusting things.

259
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,720
Last week, mine brought home
a Scouser with herpes.

260
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:55,960
[audience laughing]

261
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,120
And it wasn't quite dead,
so I had to get it by its legs

262
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:01,520
and crack its head against the table.

263
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:02,680
- [audience laughing]
- Ugh.

264
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:06,640
[clicks tongue]

265
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,440
And who cares?
If humanity was wiped out today,

266
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,360
the Earth would return to a paradise
in a few hundred years.

267
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,120
If we lose bees, we're a desert, forever.

268
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,760
We're not that important.

269
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:19,760
We're just one species
of narcissistic ape.

270
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:23,320
And some people on social media
get annoyed when I say we're apes.

271
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,840
You know, religious types, Americans.

272
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,800
- Um...
- [audience laughing]

273
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,040
One bloke said to me,

274
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:31,560
"Speak for yourself, dude.
I ain't no ape."

275
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:33,760
And I sent back,
"Well, you are, 'cause we're all apes."

276
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:35,840
He went,
"Nah. What's a gorilla ever done?"

277
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,360
"We've walked on the moon."

278
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,080
I sent back, "What do you mean, 'we'?
You've done fuck all."

279
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:41,600
[audience laughing]

280
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,160
"You've spelled 'moon' wrong."

281
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,800
[audience laughing]

282
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,680
It's weird, isn't it,
when people take credit

283
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,400
for the sort of rest of the species.

284
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,760
'Cause that's what's pushed
civilization forward, you know,

285
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,600
a few geniuses along the way.

286
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:58,520
Like, there's eight billion people
on this planet. Most of us do nothing.

287
00:12:58,520 --> 00:12:59,760
We eat, shit, and die.

288
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:02,880
Like, if there was a meteor
heading towards Earth

289
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,240
that'd definitely destroy it,

290
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,880
four billion people
would get down on their knees

291
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:10,320
and pray to their particular god,
and a few hundred scientists

292
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,800
would work out how to get Bruce Willis
up there to stop it.

293
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,680
[audience laughing]

294
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,000
It's an odd concept, praying, for me.

295
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,040
I can't work out how God decides.

296
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:22,320
All those people praying at once
for different things.

297
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:26,520
Is it like best idea wins,
or is it a democracy?

298
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:27,840
Like, he puts things--

299
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,720
Each issue, he goes,
"Right, votes for and against," you know.

300
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:33,720
If it's a democracy, we're in trouble.
We're a tiny nation.

301
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,520
Like, next time there's a flood warning
in the West Country,

302
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,880
if we're all going,
"Oh, I hope everyone's okay,"

303
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,840
if the whole of China is going,
"Yeah, fuck Bristol..."

304
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,240
[audience laughing]

305
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,320
There's a billion of them.
Know what I mean?

306
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,680
More about China later.

307
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:52,600
[audience laughing]

308
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,360
Yeah, I've always, uh,
found praying quite strange.

309
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:03,200
Like, if I bump into a friend or neighbor,
and I know they've got a little kid,

310
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,400
and I go, "Oh, how's so-and-so?"

311
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:09,040
And they go, "Oh, not good.
Um, he's in intensive care."

312
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:12,920
"We don't know if he's gonna pull through,
but I pray every night."

313
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,720
What I do as an experiment...

314
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,240
[inhales sharply]

315
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:19,440
[audience laughing]

316
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,200
I go home,

317
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,600
and I pray twice that he doesn't make it.

318
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:27,040
[audience laughing]

319
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:28,760
[man 4] Oh...

320
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,360
I don't do that.

321
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,440
[audience laughing]

322
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:37,040
On a serious note, um, I've been doing
a lot of video messages recently

323
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,320
for terminally-ill children. And, um...

324
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:41,480
Only if they request it, obviously.
I don't--

325
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,120
[audience laughing]

326
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,680
I don't burst into hospitals and go,
"Wake up, baldy."

327
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:47,720
[audience laughing]

328
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,000
"Look, me twerking on TikTok. Look."

329
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,040
[audience laughing]

330
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,960
No, um, I did a lot through the pandemic.

331
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,800
Presumably, 'cause they couldn't even see
their own family. And, uh--

332
00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:01,080
It's through Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Do you know the charity?

333
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,640
They're great, and they give
these dying kids their one wish.

334
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:07,160
And if it's me, I always say yes,
and I always start the video the same way.

335
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:09,800
I go, "Why didn't you wish to get better?"

336
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,880
[audience laughing]

337
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,600
"What, you fucking retarded as well?"

338
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:16,960
[audience laughing]

339
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,560
[audience clapping]

340
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,920
[laughs] I don't do that either, okay?

341
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,720
- [audience laughing]
- These are all jokes, okay? [laughs]

342
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:27,880
In fact, I don't even use that word
in real life, the r-word.

343
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,240
"You just used it." "Yeah, in a joke."

344
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:33,240
"That's not real life, is it?
I'm playing a role."

345
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,720
"You sounded pretty convincing."
"Yeah, 'cause I'm good."

346
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,240
[audience laughing]

347
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,480
You wouldn't level the accusation
at other art forms.

348
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,480
You wouldn't go
up to Sir Anthony Hopkins and go,

349
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,280
"I saw you in <i>Silence of the Lambs.</i>"

350
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,400
"What, so, you a cannibal, are you?"

351
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,640
"No, I... I was playing a role." "Oh."

352
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:50,920
"Mm, seemed pretty convincing."

353
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:52,680
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]

354
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:55,840
He's good, and I'm good,
and that's why I do things well.

355
00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:58,280
Imagine if I came out
and did things not very well,

356
00:15:58,280 --> 00:15:59,640
so you knew I was joking.

357
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,120
That'd be fucking retarded.

358
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:03,040
[audience laughing]

359
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:10,880
Has anyone bothered asking the dolphins
if they mind swimming with dying kids?

360
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,880
Know what I mean?
'Cause that can't be fun for--

361
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,200
They're, like, flipping around,

362
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,040
then suddenly someone dumps a truckload
of pale teenagers flailing...

363
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,800
- [audience laughing]
- The dolphin's like,

364
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:24,560
"What the fuck is this?
What the fuck's this? Oh, fucking hell."

365
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,920
[groans] Oh, let him do it."
"What the fuck?"

366
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,200
"They're all... They're all dying."

367
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:33,400
"Of what? That one just stuck his fingers
in my fucking blowhole."

368
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,560
[audience laughing]

369
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,640
"He's not gonna be around for long."
"Nor am I if I can't fucking breathe."

370
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,760
[audience laughing]

371
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,160
[Gervais laughs]

372
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,480
It's very sad, um, but we all die.

373
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,960
We all know we're gonna die,
and we all do die,

374
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:53,000
so it doesn't really matter
if we die one at a time along the way,

375
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,440
or all at once,
in one big final Armageddon.

376
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,760
The result is,
we're all gonna be dead one day,

377
00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,440
and we're all gonna be dead forever.

378
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,520
And I've been to a lot of funerals
in my time.

379
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,720
You live this long,
you know a lot of people, they die, right?

380
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,680
And I don't mind funerals,
'cause it's the end.

381
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,000
You know what I mean? I hate weddings.

382
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,440
- Oh, fucking...
- [audience laughing]

383
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,440
It's all-- There's so much hope.
You know what I mean?

384
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,560
And they're needy and arrogant.

385
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,200
They go, "Oh, we're getting--"

386
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,400
"Do you wanna come
and watch us for 12 hours?"

387
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:22,160
"No. Fuck, no."

388
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:23,280
[audience laughing]

389
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,280
Even the invite is arrogant, isn't it?

390
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,960
It's like a royal decree.
"You are cordially invited--"

391
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,720
It's not a fucking honor.
I don't wanna go to your shitty wedding.

392
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:32,560
- Know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]

393
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:35,440
And then you go,
"Oh, right, yeah. When is it?"

394
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:36,920
They go, "Two years' time."

395
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,840
They know you haven't got an excuse
for two years' time.

396
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:40,880
[audience laughing]

397
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,120
So you just have to hope
that one of 'em dies.

398
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:44,760
- Know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]

399
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,760
And so you go, "Oh, yeah, I'll be there.
Yeah, yeah. Where is it?"

400
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,960
They go, "India." "Oh, fuck off!"

401
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,160
[audience laughing]

402
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,960
I'm not having injections for you,
you boring bastards.

403
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,280
[audience laughing]

404
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,640
And I've got a big family now,
a big extended family.

405
00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:00,480
There's always one getting married.
They know I've got a bit of cash.

406
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,040
So I can't give 'em a tea set anymore.

407
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,000
I've gotta get 'em
their first fucking house.

408
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,240
- Know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]

409
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,600
I've got a big family.
I had older brothers and sisters.

410
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,040
They all had loads of kids,
and their kids have loads of kids,

411
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:14,440
and their kids have had loads of kids,
'cause we're chavs, basically.

412
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:16,760
- [audience laughing]
- There's a new baby every Christmas.

413
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:18,080
It's one of those families.

414
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,920
I go home, it's crowded.
I go, "Oh. Oh, whose is that?"

415
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,080
"Oh, yours. Well done."

416
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,120
I don't know him, I don't know her.
You know what I mean? It's like...

417
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,800
But what I've done
over the last couple of years,

418
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,680
I've got 'em each and individually,
right, in private,

419
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:35,720
and I've told them that I'm leaving
my entire fortune to just them, right?

420
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:36,760
[audience laughing]

421
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,280
But to keep it secret.

422
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,920
So they all love me, right?

423
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:41,640
And I'm not doing a will,

424
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,640
so my funeral is gonna be
a fucking bloodbath.

425
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:47,760
[audience laughing]

426
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:52,680
I'm at that age now where people ask me
what I've got planned for my funeral.

427
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:54,760
Even journalists say,
"How-- What's your funeral--"

428
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,400
I go, "I haven't planned it."
"No?" "No, it's depressing."

429
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:58,840
"Also, I don't care. I'll be dead."

430
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:00,760
They go, "Don't care about
what people think of you?"

431
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:01,760
"No, I'll be dead."

432
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,080
They go, "What about your legacy?"
"Fuck my legacy."

433
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:05,680
You can't plan your legacy.

434
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:09,000
I think of all these people
who died thinking they'd be loved forever.

435
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,160
Eminent people going,

436
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:12,880
"There is a statue of me
in the town square."

437
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:16,880
And now, they're pulling down the statues.
"Pull down this fucking statue." "Why?"

438
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,760
"He was a slave trader.
Pull down the fucking statue."

439
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:23,320
"He built the hospital. Should we pull
that down?" "No, leave the hospital."

440
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,520
[audience laughing]

441
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,280
"Just pull down the fucking statue."

442
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,600
[audience cheering and whistling]

443
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,560
"Pull down the statue
and dump it in the canal."

444
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:39,160
"He built the canal." "Doesn't matter.
Just pull down the fucking statue."

445
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,080
I don't think
you should whitewash history.

446
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:46,400
If you find out summat new, add to it.
Like, if there's a statue, and it's got,

447
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,400
"Lord Whimsy. Trader, philanthropist."

448
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,160
Add, "a bit racist."

449
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:52,960
[audience laughing]

450
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,080
Or one of those blue plaques
on a house that goes,

451
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,880
"Sir Robert Spewk lived here."

452
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:59,360
"Author, poet, pedo."

453
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:00,920
[audience laughing]

454
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,920
I think we live too long. That's why
we have time to worry about all this.

455
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:09,960
We're not meant to live this long.

456
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,640
Uh, as a species,

457
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:14,960
we're about 300,000 years old,
as <i>Homo sapiens.</i>

458
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,840
We've been around as hominids
for a few million years, and, of course,

459
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,560
along with every other life-form
that exists at the moment,

460
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,360
we've been evolving
for three and a half billion years.

461
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:25,560
Everything that exists at the moment

462
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,920
all came from the same little blob
of organic matter

463
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:29,720
three and a half billion years ago.

464
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,440
That's why it annoys me when people say,

465
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:34,040
"Oh, yeah, humans,
we're the most evolved."

466
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:35,200
We're not the most evolved.

467
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,480
We're no more evolved
than the slug or the snail.

468
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:41,760
People go, "Come on, look at 'em."
Yeah, they got it right early doors.

469
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:44,600
Nature keeps testing 'em.
"Do you want eyes?"

470
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:45,520
"No."

471
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:48,400
[audience laughing]

472
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,960
"Not really. No. No."

473
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:54,720
I have noticed one thing
about the slug and the snail.

474
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:56,800
Let's not split hairs. Let's be honest.

475
00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:01,720
The snail is basically a slug
with a shell on it, isn't it? Right?

476
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:06,800
But if you pull the shell off the snail,
it starts giving it all... [groans]

477
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:07,840
[audience laughing]

478
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:09,680
"Oh, I'm dying. I'm dying."

479
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:12,760
And the slug is like,
"Welcome to the real world, cunt."

480
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,280
- Know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]

481
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,520
So, yeah, we've been around
for about 300,000 years.

482
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,040
And for most of that time,

483
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:24,480
we had the same life expectancy
as every other wild ape.

484
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,600
Thirty-five, 40, if you're lucky.

485
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:30,120
You're born, you grow, you mate,
you're playing with your kids,

486
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:31,680
you get a cut, you go, "What's that?"

487
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:32,600
Dead.

488
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:33,920
[audience laughing]

489
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,800
But now, with antibiotics and medicine,
we've pushed that forward.

490
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:40,720
A child born today
can expect to live to about 100.

491
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:43,520
And scientists said
soon that'll be about 120.

492
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,520
And science also said that,
in the near future,

493
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:49,120
there's no reason,
with proper care and attention,

494
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:53,240
that human beings
won't regularly live to 150 years old.

495
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:58,240
Which is amazing, until you remember
that we get a set number of brain cells,

496
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:00,440
which we only lose.
You can't get them back.

497
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:05,360
So, in the future, there's gonna be
15 billion people on the planet. You know?

498
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:09,480
Half of them are gonna be over 100,
and they're all gonna have Alzheimer's.

499
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,440
It's gonna be like <i>Dawn of the Dead.</i>

500
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:14,320
- It's gonna be fucking horrible.
- [audience laughing]

501
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,240
You know?

502
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,000
My auntie died of Alzheimer's.

503
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,440
Um, I don't know
how you die of Alzheimer's.

504
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,240
She forgot to live<i>.</i> Right?

505
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,840
[audience laughing]

506
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,840
And for the last couple of years,
she was in a home,

507
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,840
and, uh, my cousin, her only kid,
used to visit her, like, once a week.

508
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:32,960
And it got more and more depressing,
'cause soon she didn't recognize him,

509
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,640
and then she didn't know who she was, or--
and then she died.

510
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,960
And at the funeral, we were sort of
reminiscing about the good days.

511
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:42,760
Some of the funny,
absent-minded things she said and did.

512
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:45,760
Then we realized, oh, probably,
that was the beginning of the disease

513
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,480
before it was diagnosed.

514
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,200
And this is a true story.

515
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:53,320
Once, my cousin went home from work,
and he went in, and she went,

516
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:55,920
"Your tea's in the oven.
I've had mine already."

517
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:57,640
He went, "Oh, cheers, Mum." And he--

518
00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,520
It was like a fish pie, right?

519
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,240
He ate the fish pie,
then he went, "Oh God. Ooh."

520
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:03,160
He ran upstairs...

521
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:04,800
[imitates retching]

522
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,000
Vomited. Went back down and went,

523
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,280
"Mum, the fish is off.
I've just been really sick."

524
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:13,040
And she said,
"Yeah, it made me really sick."

525
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,480
[audience laughing]

526
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:21,600
I've been looking into
infant mortality rates recently.

527
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:23,000
- Um...
- [audience murmuring]

528
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:27,040
For research. Not--
It's not a fucking fetish. Like...

529
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,240
[audience laughing]

530
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:34,440
A child born today in the UK
has a percentage chance of survival

531
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,680
of 99.8%, which is incredible.

532
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,040
I thought, "Is that just
the mollycoddled West?"

533
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:45,680
I was putting in Third World countries.
And even in Africa, it's like 96.5%.

534
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,080
In the wilds of Africa,

535
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:49,760
where everything wants
to fucking eat a newborn baby.

536
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,480
Babies are vulnerable enough, aren't they?

537
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:54,160
In Africa, a baby
can be born in a mud hut.

538
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:55,480
There's a lion outside.

539
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:58,000
It's covered in blood.
They can't wash it. They've got no water.

540
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,400
Ooh, and it's already got AIDS.

541
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:01,880
[audience laughing]

542
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:02,920
Now...

543
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,440
by the time that joke goes on Netflix...

544
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,520
[audience laughing]

545
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,160
...it'll be nuanced.

546
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:14,920
There'll be an underlying
satirical point, I'll claim.

547
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:18,240
- [audience laughing]
- But, until then, all I've got is,

548
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:21,040
-"Ha, baby's got AIDS."
- [audience laughing]

549
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:25,600
I know that it's funny.
I just have to work out why.

550
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,000
[audience laughing]

551
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,880
Leave it with me. Leave it with me.

552
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,800
Also, by the time that goes on Netflix,

553
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,760
I'll have been playing
arenas around the world.

554
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,960
It'll be hitting hard.
People will be laughing.

555
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:39,560
So if you are an African woman,
and you... you just had a baby in Africa,

556
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,600
and the doctor goes,
"Oh, I'm sorry, your baby's got AIDS."

557
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,240
You go, "Oh my God."
You're there... Baby's got--

558
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:48,800
You're there with your husband,
and you go, "Our baby's got AIDS, Jeff."

559
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:49,720
Jeff... [laughs]

560
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:51,800
[audience laughing]

561
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,840
[laughing]

562
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:57,920
"I know, Tracy. I've got it too."

563
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,680
- [imitates extinguishing cigarette]
- [audience laughing]

564
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:01,600
[laughs]

565
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:05,320
"Our baby's got AIDS. Should we watch
some comedy to cheer us up?"

566
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:07,920
"Yeah. What, Netflix?" "Yeah."

567
00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:10,280
"What, Ricky Gervais?" "Duh."

568
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:11,520
-"Yeah."
- [audience laughing]

569
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:13,600
And they're... they're sad
that their baby's got AIDS,

570
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:15,200
but they're sort of laughing along.

571
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:16,720
"Ha-ha. <i>Armageddon.</i> Ha-ha."

572
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,600
And it gets to that bit,
"Ha, baby's got AIDS."

573
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:24,160
And she goes, "Oh my God.
Jeff, why... why are they all laughing at us

574
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:25,960
and our baby with AIDS?"

575
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,560
And Jeff goes,
"Well, they're not laughing at us per se."

576
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:31,040
She goes, "Well, they are.
They've named us and everything."

577
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,600
"They're literally laughing at us
in this bit."

578
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:36,600
- [Gervais laughing]
- [audience laughing]

579
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:37,920
And Jeff goes,

580
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:41,280
"Yeah, but we're a fictional couple
with a fictional baby with AIDS."

581
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:43,600
"Anyone offended by that
is a fucking moron."

582
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:44,680
[audience laughing]

583
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,960
And then, he goes,
"And at least he didn't do the accent."

584
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,480
- So...
- [audience laughing]

585
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:55,880
And she goes, "Yeah,
but only because Jane begged him not to."

586
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,440
- [Gervais laughing]
- [audience laughing]

587
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:00,360
It's funny 'cause it's true.

588
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:03,960
[audience clapping and cheering]

589
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,080
I think we get our sense of humor
from our parents,

590
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:09,880
whether we realize it or not.

591
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:13,240
Particularly working-class kids.
Particularly from working-class mums.

592
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:15,560
'Cause they're busy.
They're doing everything.

593
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:16,960
They're keeping men in check,

594
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:18,880
they're bringing up kids,
they're going to work,

595
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,800
they're saving the world.
They haven't got time.

596
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:23,280
They have to frighten their kids
into behaving well.

597
00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:26,760
They have to go to dark places
to shock them into not fucking dying.

598
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:29,920
Do you know what I mean?
So... Like, if I was little,

599
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,560
and my mum made my tea,
and it wasn't my favorite,

600
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,080
it was boiled potatoes,
instead of chips every day,

601
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:36,800
and I went, "I don't like them,"

602
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:38,960
my mum would go straight to,
"Of course you do."

603
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,680
"There's children your age
in Africa and they're starving to death."

604
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:44,600
Right? I'd go, "Jesus. All right."
You know what I mean?

605
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:45,760
Ju-- [snapping fingers]

606
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:50,280
True story. I was seven years old, right,
and I'd been playing in the park.

607
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:54,080
And I came running in, and my mum went,
"Ricky, come here. Sit down."

608
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:56,240
There must've been
a local pedo incident, all right?

609
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,000
[audience laughing]

610
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,200
And my mum went, "Never go
in the toilets in the park again."

611
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,800
And I went, "Why?"

612
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:06,160
She knew she couldn't explain pedophilia
to a seven-year-old, right?

613
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,160
But this is what she came up with.

614
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:11,280
She said,
"Because there's a man going around,

615
00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:13,560
and he's cutting
little boys' willies off."

616
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:15,720
[audience laughing]

617
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:16,760
I was like...

618
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,320
"What, that's a fucking thing, is it?
That's a..."

619
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:24,000
I didn't sleep for a week. Uh--

620
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,280
[audience laughing]

621
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:29,720
And it worked. I never went
in those fucking toilets again.

622
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:31,040
But she knew, instinctively.

623
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,920
If she'd gone, "Ricky, come in. Sit down."

624
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:34,920
"What's the matter?"
"Never go in the toilets again."

625
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,160
"Why not?" "There's a pedophile."
"What's a pedophile?"

626
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,920
"Oh, he's a man who gives you
sweets and puppies."

627
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,240
-"Bring it on!" You know what I mean?
- [audience laughing]

628
00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:45,400
Me-- At seven years old?
I'd wank off anyone for a puppy.

629
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:46,360
[audience laughing]

630
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:48,360
It'd be like that, wouldn't it?
It'd be like that.

631
00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:50,440
[audience laughing]

632
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:54,120
I'm gonna get a puppy.

633
00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:55,520
[audience laughing]

634
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:56,440
Hi.

635
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,440
I'm getting a puppy. I'm getting a puppy.

636
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:01,560
Gonna get a puppy.

637
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:03,280
Oh, fucking hell.

638
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:04,880
[audience laughing]

639
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:07,640
Oh, I can't--
I cannot do it left-handed at all.

640
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:09,200
[audience laughing]

641
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:11,080
Fucking hell, come on.

642
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:13,320
Have you been drinking?

643
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:14,680
[audience laughing]

644
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:17,960
Oh, Jesus Christ.

645
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:19,200
Come on!

646
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:20,960
[audience laughing]

647
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:23,360
Fucking hell. Oh.

648
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:27,880
[Gervais laughing]

649
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,360
I've started, so I'll finish.

650
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:35,000
- [Gervais laughing]
- [audience laughing]

651
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:38,000
Oh. Oh, fuck me. Oh.

652
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:39,920
What sort of puppy is it?

653
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:41,840
[audience laughing]

654
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:44,360
A what? A Labrador?

655
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:46,840
[audience laughing]

656
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:49,440
Throw in a kitten,
and I'll give you a blow job. [laughs]

657
00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:51,640
I go back. Kitten, puppy, cum.

658
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:55,560
- [audience laughing]
- [Gervais laughing]

659
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:00,120
Oh...

660
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,080
- I miss the local pedo.
- [audience laughing]

661
00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:05,880
Don't you?
There was always one, wasn't there?

662
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:09,280
Outside school, you'd be with your mum,
and she'd go, "Look, there's a pedophile."

663
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:11,680
'Cause he had the uniform of the pedo.
You know what I mean?

664
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:15,440
You could spot-- Old bloke, bald on top,
long down the side. Like that.

665
00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:17,720
And I'll go, "That's a dirty p--"
"Say hello."

666
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:21,560
"Hello." Like that. Dirty look.
That's what a fucking pedo looks--

667
00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:24,200
Dirty fucking pedophile, right?
That's what he'd look--

668
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:26,280
If he touches you,
we'll burn his house down.

669
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:28,200
It was a good system. Know what I mean?

670
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:32,000
But then Michael Jackson comes along,
and he breaks the mold, doesn't he?

671
00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:34,480
'Cause he's... he's not an ugly bloke
outside the school.

672
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,480
I'm not saying Michael Jackson
definitely was a pedophile. No one knows.

673
00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:39,520
Only Michael
and all those people he paid off.

674
00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:41,400
- All I'm saying is...
- [audience laughing]

675
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:42,560
[woman 3] Yes!

676
00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:43,560
...that

677
00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:45,000
kids loved Michael.

678
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:47,520
They--
Kids loved Michael just to look at him.

679
00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:50,880
Like a little Disney cartoon, wasn't he?
And then his voice, "Hello."

680
00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:52,440
- You know, that--
- [audience laughing]

681
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:55,840
Oh. Michael Jackson would go up
to any kid he wanted.

682
00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:58,160
Probably went up to them like that,
didn't he? Like that.

683
00:29:58,160 --> 00:29:59,920
[audience laughing]

684
00:29:59,920 --> 00:30:01,440
That's another thing. Kids would go,

685
00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,480
"There's Michael Jackson.
He's going away from us."

686
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:06,160
- He wasn't. He was going towards them.
- [audience laughing]

687
00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:08,960
But people don't care,

688
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:10,440
'cause he's so good.

689
00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:13,440
Right? He's so good.
He's so popular as well.

690
00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:16,840
I think if he'd have lived to stand trial,
he'd have beaten the rap,

691
00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:17,960
'cause everyone loves him,

692
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:20,280
and he'd be so vulnerable
in court as well, wouldn't he?

693
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,280
He'd be there like that,
and the judge would go,

694
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,280
"Michael, did you fiddle
with all those kids?"

695
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:25,840
And he'd go, "Hee, hee."

696
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,080
[audience laughing]

697
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:31,720
The judge would go, "Case di--
Get out of here, you scamp. Go on."

698
00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:33,600
[audience laughing]

699
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,120
I promised you more about China,

700
00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:39,600
and this is, uh,
an amazing statistic, okay?

701
00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:41,120
This is true. Look it up, right?

702
00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:42,240
In China,

703
00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:45,480
there are ten million Chinese pedophiles.

704
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:49,880
Ten million Chinese pedophiles in China,
and there's not enough kids.

705
00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:52,240
'Cause they've been restricting the birth.

706
00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:54,160
There's all these poor pedos
and they're going,

707
00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:55,840
"Where's all the fucking kids?"

708
00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:57,640
- You know?
- [audience laughing]

709
00:30:57,640 --> 00:30:59,200
-"Fuck me."
- [audience yelling]

710
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:01,400
"We're having to double up here,
and, like..."

711
00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:03,800
I just thought of a joke then.
I can't do it.

712
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:06,120
It is actually too offensive. [laughs]

713
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:08,280
- Okay. Okay. All right.
- [audience cheering]

714
00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:11,800
All right, I'll do it.
But... But remember, remember,

715
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:14,400
you can't choose your own thoughts, okay?

716
00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:17,360
- [audience laughing]
- And I just had this thought, right?

717
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:18,280
[laughs]

718
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:20,240
[audience yelling]

719
00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:21,200
Chi-- Okay.

720
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:24,880
Chinese pedophile... Chinese pedophile
goes over to a little Chinese kid,

721
00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:28,240
and he goes, "Do you want a puppy?"
And the kid goes, "I'm not hungry."

722
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:30,040
[audience laughing]

723
00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:31,720
[audience clapping]

724
00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:33,560
[audience cheering]

725
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:36,920
You made me do that.

726
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:39,000
- [audience laughing]
- You committed the hate crime.

727
00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:40,320
[audience laughing]

728
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:42,800
I'm woke. I forgot.
Let me get back on track. Right.

729
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:45,040
- [audience laughing]
- Right, I've got a woke joke.

730
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:48,360
Remember those jokes we used to have
when we were kids? "Doctor, Doctor" jokes?

731
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:51,320
Like, um, "Doctor, doctor,
I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains."

732
00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:53,360
"Well, pull yourself together, then."
Right?

733
00:31:53,360 --> 00:31:58,480
I've... I've done a woke version of that,
brought it up to today's standards.

734
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:00,800
Bloke goes to the doctor. He goes,

735
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:03,560
"Doctor, doctor,
I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains."

736
00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:05,600
And the doctor goes,
"Well, you are, then."

737
00:32:05,600 --> 00:32:07,680
[audience laughing]

738
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:08,960
[audience clapping]

739
00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:14,000
Good one that, innit?

740
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:18,200
I should do political stuff now I'm woke,

741
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:21,640
but I don't like it when a comedian
just spouts his own political views,

742
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:23,840
and it... and it relies on the audience
agreeing with him

743
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:24,960
to get a round of applause.

744
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:26,680
I think that loses summat comedically.

745
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:29,680
I want everyone to like my jokes,
whatever your political persuasion.

746
00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:31,640
A joke shouldn't have
a political wing, you know.

747
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:34,880
I'm... I'm political in my private life,
like everyone, you know.

748
00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:38,080
I'm sometimes incensed
by the inequalities in our society.

749
00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:41,680
We're in the seventh richest economy
in the world, right,

750
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:42,840
and there's homelessness.

751
00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:45,520
There's 250,000 homeless people
in Britain.

752
00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:47,520
Now, I wish there were no homeless people,

753
00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:49,120
'cause they're fucking horrible.

754
00:32:49,120 --> 00:32:50,440
- [audience laughing]
- Fuck off.

755
00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:51,720
You know? Oh...

756
00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:54,760
"Oh yeah, right next to the cashpoint,
you cheeky cunt."

757
00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:56,680
[audience laughing]

758
00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:04,840
It is a serious problem, and I hope
none of you ever find yourself homeless,

759
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,560
but if you do, my advice is heroin.

760
00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:09,160
[audience laughing]

761
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:10,960
Cheers you right up, apparently.

762
00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:13,320
Um, I've got one of those mates.

763
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:15,320
My mate said this to me
in all seriousness.

764
00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:18,080
He said, "Yeah." He said, "But the thing
about heroin, Rick," he said,

765
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:21,160
"Some of the greatest albums of all time
were created on heroin, weren't they?"

766
00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:25,080
I went, "Yeah, but they were created by
some of the greatest artists of all time."

767
00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:26,520
"You're a plasterer."

768
00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:28,880
- Right?
- [audience laughing]

769
00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:30,120
"If I were to give you heroin,

770
00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:32,440
you wouldn't come up
with <i>Dark Side of the Moon,</i> would ya?"

771
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:35,240
"You'd fall asleep watching the telly
and burn the fucking house down."

772
00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:37,320
[audience laughing]

773
00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:42,120
I should do, uh, topical stuff,
but I never watch the news.

774
00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:45,000
I did see one thing recently
on YouTube actually.

775
00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:47,480
Do you know the little fellow
from <i>Game of Thrones</i>?

776
00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:50,960
Um, the actor Peter Dinklage.
Do you know Peter Dinklage? Yeah.

777
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:54,680
He was at a junket, and it was for
a new thing he was doing, right?

778
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:57,600
And they were filming it.
That's why it got leaked onto YouTube.

779
00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:01,440
And I don't know what brought it up,
but he suddenly started going off on one.

780
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:04,400
Oh God. He was going,
"It's fucking disgusting."

781
00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:07,720
"They're still doing productions
of <i>Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs</i>."

782
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:11,480
"For Christ's sake!
It's fucking demeaning. It's 2023!"

783
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,280
[inhales deeply] He wasn't happy.

784
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:16,400
[audience laughing]

785
00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:17,800
[audience clapping]

786
00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:19,760
[woman 4 yelling]

787
00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:22,320
He was grumpy, wasn't he?

788
00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:24,400
- [audience laughing]
- [woman 5 yelling]

789
00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,400
[audience clapping]

790
00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:30,480
He's got a point though, hasn't he?
Obviously, he's got a point.

791
00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:32,240
But the thing is, it's all right for him,

792
00:34:32,240 --> 00:34:35,240
'cause he's a multi-millionaire
Hollywood actor.

793
00:34:35,240 --> 00:34:38,560
And he's a great actor as well.
He does Shakespeare and everything.

794
00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:41,760
A lot of dwarfs in entertainment
aren't that great, if we're--

795
00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:44,600
No, some of them are fucking--
They're props, right?

796
00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:46,080
- [audience laughing]
- No, let's be--

797
00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:49,560
They're... They're lucky to be fired
from a fucking cannon. Right?

798
00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:51,000
[audience laughing]

799
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:54,920
And so, dancing around Snow White
for three weeks of the year,

800
00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:57,320
that is their Holy Grail,
and he's gonna fuck it for them.

801
00:34:57,320 --> 00:35:00,000
If he takes that, what can they do?
And he's not saying,

802
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:02,960
"You should do <i>Snow White and the
Seven Dwarfs</i> with normal-sized actors."

803
00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:05,320
You can't do that either.
You'd get in trouble in Hollywood.

804
00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:07,920
Or you can't take a dwarf's job
or a disabled person's job.

805
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:10,360
Like, Eddie Redmayne got in trouble

806
00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:12,680
when he played Stephen Hawking
in the biopic.

807
00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:15,800
The life story of Stephen Hawking, right?
Won an Oscar for it.

808
00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:17,480
And that's when the backlash started.

809
00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:21,440
People going, "No, it should be played
by a real disabled creature."

810
00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:24,160
All this... [babbles] All right?
And, uh... [babbles]

811
00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:25,640
And...

812
00:35:26,240 --> 00:35:27,800
[catches breath] They're going,

813
00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:32,480
"The actor should have the same disability
as the person they're portraying."

814
00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:36,240
But it was the life story
of Stephen Hawking, right?

815
00:35:36,240 --> 00:35:39,960
So for the first part of the film,
the cunt could walk, right?

816
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:41,160
[audience laughing]

817
00:35:41,160 --> 00:35:45,880
So I put it to you, what is easier?
Getting an actor who can walk...

818
00:35:46,400 --> 00:35:47,640
[audience laughing]

819
00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:50,720
...pretend he can't
for the last bit of the film,

820
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:55,080
or get an actor who can't walk,

821
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:57,720
pretend he can for the first bit?

822
00:35:57,720 --> 00:36:00,960
How would that even fucking work?!
Puppetry? Think!

823
00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:03,000
[audience laughing and clapping]

824
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:04,440
You can't always find an actor

825
00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:06,840
with the same disability
as the person they're portraying.

826
00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:08,000
They're fucking actors!

827
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:11,840
What if they did a biopic of Helen Keller,
the deaf, dumb, and blind girl?

828
00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:15,680
What's the chance of finding a deaf, dumb,
and blind actress who can play that role?

829
00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:17,640
And if you did,
you'd go running to the director.

830
00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:21,160
"We found a deaf, dumb, and blind girl."
"What did she say?" "N-- I..."

831
00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:24,200
- [audience laughing]
- [Gervais laughs]

832
00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:26,200
"She didn't even answer
the fucking phone."

833
00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:28,200
- [audience laughing]
- [Gervais laughing]

834
00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:30,480
Oh, don't get me started. Oh.

835
00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:33,480
Oh.

836
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:36,840
Cultural appropriation.
Have you heard of that?

837
00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:39,880
Cultural appropriation, the latest no-no.

838
00:36:39,880 --> 00:36:44,680
Now, again, in my day,
it was considered a good thing

839
00:36:44,680 --> 00:36:47,920
to swap ideas
with other cultures, with other nations,

840
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:50,640
to share things
with other races, to assimilate.

841
00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:53,320
It was the opposite of racist.
Now it's racist.

842
00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:56,000
Gwen Stefani got in trouble
in her last video

843
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:57,800
'cause she had
her blonde hair in dreadlocks.

844
00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:00,080
People were going,
"No. Black people invented dreadlocks."

845
00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:02,120
"You can't have 'em.
You're white. That's racist."

846
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:03,760
Jamie Oliver got in trouble

847
00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:05,960
when he put out
an authentic jerk chicken recipe.

848
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:07,800
"No. Black people invented that."

849
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:09,840
"You can't have it.
You're white. That's racist."

850
00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:12,600
Now, Black people,
they use the n-word, don't they?

851
00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:14,440
We invented that!

852
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:16,840
[audience laughing]

853
00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:18,680
[audience clapping]

854
00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:26,760
[laughter continues]

855
00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:31,360
- [audience cheering]
- [Gervais laughs]

856
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:33,200
[audience clapping]

857
00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:39,600
- That's the one, innit? That's the one.
- [audience laughing]

858
00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:42,480
Listen, I know white people are the worst.
I know that.

859
00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:47,760
That's why no... no one likes
a fucking white, middle-aged man anymore,

860
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:49,440
until we need a boiler fixing.

861
00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:52,200
Then it's,
"Get the bald bloke around. Now."

862
00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:53,400
[audience laughing]

863
00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:55,640
Critical race theory,
have you heard of that?

864
00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:59,600
Being taught in schools now,
particularly in trendy areas like L.A.,

865
00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:02,560
to, like, five-year-old kids
and six-year-old kids.

866
00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:04,280
If you haven't heard of it, in a nutshell,

867
00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:07,160
critical race theory says that
all white people are racist.

868
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,480
We're born racist,
and we continue to be racist,

869
00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:12,040
'cause we're affording the privilege
of a racist society

870
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:14,000
set up by our forefathers. Okay?

871
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:15,840
So basically, all white people are racist,

872
00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:18,720
and there's nothing we can do about it,
which is a relief.

873
00:38:18,720 --> 00:38:21,320
- Um...
- [audience laughing]

874
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:27,560
I think the world's gonna get
harder and harder to understand

875
00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:29,240
as I get older and more bewildered.

876
00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:31,920
A new dogma arises
in the name of "progress."

877
00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:35,280
Now, dogma is never progressive,
however new and trendy.

878
00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:37,080
But I think soon I'll be outnumbered.

879
00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:41,240
Like, it was only this year
that I ordered my first item off Amazon.

880
00:38:41,240 --> 00:38:44,080
All the way through the pandemic,
Jane's like, "We need this."

881
00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:46,920
Bang, it's here. I was going, "Oh no."
She goes, "It's easy."

882
00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:50,480
I'd go, "Mm." I never liked
real shopping either. Hated real shopping.

883
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:52,000
Particularly, clothes shopping.

884
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:54,880
I hated clothes shopping
when I was young and thin.

885
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:57,760
I really hate it
now I'm fat and old. Right?

886
00:38:57,760 --> 00:39:01,200
Once, a shop assistant
thought I had my inside leg

887
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,600
and my waist measurement
the wrong way round.

888
00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:05,480
[audience laughing]

889
00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:08,640
I could see her thinking,
"Do you have an orangutan?"

890
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:10,240
"No, it's for me, you cheeky..."

891
00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:12,600
[audience laughing]

892
00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:15,880
I never liked real shopping,
but I don't trust the Internet either.

893
00:39:15,880 --> 00:39:18,080
Jane was going,
"Just put in your credit card."

894
00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:19,840
"I don't want them
to have my card details."

895
00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:21,960
"Everyone's got your card details.
Put the number in."

896
00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:23,600
I went, "What one?"
She went, "The long one."

897
00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:27,040
She went, "Oh, fuck me, give it here.
There. You're on. Order summat."

898
00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:30,480
I thought, "Oh, I don't want anything.
Oh, tracksuit bottoms."

899
00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:33,600
You can't have too many. I wear mine
till the bollocks fall out, all right?

900
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:34,720
[audience laughing]

901
00:39:34,720 --> 00:39:38,480
So I put in, "Men's tracksuit bottoms.
Black. Zip pockets."

902
00:39:38,480 --> 00:39:40,760
About 38... "Oh, fuck me."

903
00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:44,480
"They look all right." Size chart.
I go, "Well, they'd be a bit long,

904
00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:48,360
but they'd be a bit tight." I thought,
"9.99. Fuck it, who cares, right?"

905
00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:49,960
- [audience laughing]
- So I ordered them.

906
00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:52,960
They came the next day.
I opened them up. They were shit.

907
00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:56,480
Now, I don't know
what sweat shop they were made in,

908
00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,920
or what little eight-year-old
Chinese kid made them,

909
00:39:59,920 --> 00:40:02,600
but he should be fucking punished,
because the-- Ah.

910
00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:03,920
- [audience laughing]
- Oh.

911
00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:07,520
And I was looking up
where to fucking complain

912
00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:09,160
to get him fired, right?

913
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:10,120
[audience laughing]

914
00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:13,560
And I found out that these kids
only get two dollars a day

915
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:15,640
in these fucking places, right?

916
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:19,640
But what happened to pride in your work?
Do you know what I mean?

917
00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:21,120
[audience laughing]

918
00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:22,880
And I can tell some of you are thinking,

919
00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:25,080
"But he didn't think
Ricky Gervais would order them."

920
00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:28,520
Maybe he should be told there's a chance
that Ricky Gervais might order them.

921
00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:32,320
His owner should sit him down,
right, and say,

922
00:40:32,320 --> 00:40:34,480
"If Ricky Gervais orders these
and complains,

923
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:36,160
I'm gonna rape your mummy again."

924
00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:37,760
[audience laughing and gasping]

925
00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:39,880
Was that too much? Sorry.

926
00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:41,120
[audience laughing]

927
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:42,960
Leave it with me. Leave it with me.

928
00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:45,040
[audience clapping]

929
00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:48,560
You'll realize this is great satire
when I'm dead.

930
00:40:48,560 --> 00:40:51,200
[audience laughing]

931
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:54,680
So, uh...
I don't know how humanity will end.

932
00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:57,840
As I say, there's a long list.
Everything from...

933
00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:01,600
I can't believe nuclear war is back
on the table, after all we've learned.

934
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:04,080
But I think maybe the rise
of the pandemic,

935
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:07,320
where parasites and microbes
and bacteria again are...

936
00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:08,960
And our antibiotics fail.

937
00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:11,840
Or maybe those things will happen,
but we'll sort of evolve through it.

938
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:16,360
Like, we'll find out there's pockets
of sort of mutant people

939
00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:18,720
around the world
that are slightly resistant to radiation,

940
00:41:18,720 --> 00:41:21,800
and slightly resistant to microbes,
and we sort of start again.

941
00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:27,240
We don't really understand the mechanism
of human evolution since civilization,

942
00:41:27,240 --> 00:41:30,880
because it's never been based on,
you know, survival of the fittest

943
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:34,440
where "fittest" meant
just the biggest, strongest male

944
00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:36,040
gets to pass on his genetic material.

945
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:37,600
There's other paradigms, right?

946
00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:39,120
Uh, nature is brutal.

947
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:41,760
Sometimes it is the biggest,
strongest male that gets the female.

948
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:43,520
And even then, she has a litter.

949
00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:46,080
If there's a runt, she goes,
"Fuck it. Kill that."

950
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:49,720
"Eat it. Share it amongst the rest of us."
Now we don't do that in human society.

951
00:41:49,720 --> 00:41:50,880
We go to the other way.

952
00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:55,200
We spend more time, care, and attention
on the weak and the vulnerable

953
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:56,680
to give 'em a chance. Like...

954
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:59,320
If you're a father,
and you've got two kids...

955
00:41:59,320 --> 00:42:02,160
You've got little Timmy, who's six. Right?

956
00:42:02,160 --> 00:42:04,160
You've got Jack, who's eight.

957
00:42:04,160 --> 00:42:07,680
And you go to little Timmy, you go,
"Timmy, what do you want for Christmas?"

958
00:42:07,680 --> 00:42:08,600
And he goes,

959
00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:10,880
[in high-pitched voice]
"Motorized wheelchair."

960
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:12,000
[in regular voice] Aha...

961
00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:15,800
I promised Jane I wouldn't do the voice,
and I fucking forgot.

962
00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:17,880
[audience laughing]

963
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:21,680
It's too late now, innit?

964
00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:24,320
"What do you want for Christmas, Timmy?"

965
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:26,240
[in high-pitched voice]
"Motorized wheelchair."

966
00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:27,240
[audience laughing]

967
00:42:27,240 --> 00:42:29,800
[in regular voice] "Right.
Well, they start at two grand, so..."

968
00:42:29,800 --> 00:42:31,040
"Fucking hell."

969
00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:32,320
[audience laughing]

970
00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:35,160
"What do you want, Jack?"
"Just a tennis racket, please, Dad."

971
00:42:35,160 --> 00:42:36,600
"Oh, good lad."

972
00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:37,840
[audience laughing]

973
00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:41,040
"How is your tennis?"
"Uh, best in the school." "Oh, you..."

974
00:42:41,040 --> 00:42:42,480
[mumbles]

975
00:42:42,480 --> 00:42:44,080
[in high-pitched voice] "Also, a ramp."

976
00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:45,320
[in regular voice] "Fuck me."

977
00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:47,200
[audience laughing]

978
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:50,920
"So now we're doing fucking building work
at Christmas, are we? Fuck me."

979
00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:53,200
"Oh, sorry, Jack.
Can't afford your tennis racket."

980
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:55,920
"We gotta spend all the money
on a ramp and a motorized wheelchair

981
00:42:55,920 --> 00:42:57,760
for this money-grabbing little fucking..."

982
00:42:57,760 --> 00:42:59,640
[audience laughing]

983
00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:02,800
"Why do you need a motorized one?"
[in high-pitched voice] "No arms."

984
00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:04,000
[audience laughing]

985
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:06,480
[in regular voice]
"That's fair enough. That is fair enough."

986
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:11,200
I can tell some of you feel
a bit uncomfortable

987
00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:15,480
laughing at little Timmy
who's a little six-year-old lad.

988
00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:18,720
He's got a funny little voice
'cause his chest is all fucked.

989
00:43:18,720 --> 00:43:21,480
- [Gervais laughs]
- [audience laughing]

990
00:43:21,480 --> 00:43:25,320
Got no arms, no legs.
Just like stumps, right?

991
00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:27,800
But let me... let me tell you summat
about Timmy

992
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:29,560
to make you feel better about yourselves.

993
00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:31,160
He's a fucking racist.

994
00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:35,040
- [audience laughing]
- Yes. Horrible little shit, he is.

995
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,520
"You fucking... You little fucking bigot."

996
00:43:39,040 --> 00:43:42,400
"You fucking...
You disgusting, little fucking racist."

997
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:43,560
"You racist scum."

998
00:43:43,560 --> 00:43:46,760
"You filthy little fucking... You fascist."

999
00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:49,240
"You fuck... [spits] You disgust me."

1000
00:43:49,240 --> 00:43:51,880
[audience cheering and clapping]

1001
00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:54,360
[woman 6 yells]

1002
00:43:55,720 --> 00:43:56,760
Homophobic.

1003
00:43:57,280 --> 00:43:59,680
Yeah. He's like, "They're not like us."

1004
00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:03,360
"Nothing's like you,
you disgusting little fucking..."

1005
00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:06,360
"You prejudiced little piece of...
You ball of hate."

1006
00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:09,640
"You disgusting little
fucking racist homophobe."

1007
00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:11,360
"I wish we'd had a scan."

1008
00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:14,000
- [audience laughing]
-"You absolute... You..." [spits]

1009
00:44:16,040 --> 00:44:17,920
[audience murmuring]

1010
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:22,480
Misogynist.

1011
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:25,520
If he could, he'd rape.

1012
00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:27,920
- There's... [laughs]
- [audience laughing]

1013
00:44:27,920 --> 00:44:29,560
There's your little Timmy.

1014
00:44:30,080 --> 00:44:32,080
[laughing]

1015
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:34,960
[inhales deeply]

1016
00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:37,480
Some people don't think we evolved
in the first place.

1017
00:44:37,480 --> 00:44:40,640
Some people think that God made us
all at once, in one fell swoop,

1018
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:42,000
and by himself.

1019
00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:44,760
I think if he'd had a wife or a mate,
there would've been questions

1020
00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:47,160
when he was working.
They go, "What are you doing?"

1021
00:44:47,160 --> 00:44:48,080
[inhales deeply]

1022
00:44:48,080 --> 00:44:51,120
"Creating man. Creating man."
"Oh, what's it got?"

1023
00:44:51,720 --> 00:44:55,360
"What do you mean, 'what's it got?'"
"Has he got claws, and fangs, and shit?"

1024
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:58,080
"No, not really. No."
"Oh. Has he got... Has he got poison?"

1025
00:44:58,080 --> 00:45:00,360
"No, no poison." "Oh."

1026
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:02,720
"Has he got armor, like spikes and shit?"

1027
00:45:02,720 --> 00:45:05,160
"No, no armor." "How will it survive?"

1028
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:08,200
"Ah. It's got the best brain
in the animal kingdom."

1029
00:45:08,200 --> 00:45:09,480
"It'll work stuff out."

1030
00:45:09,480 --> 00:45:14,040
"It'll create weaponry to take down beasts
100 times mightier than itself."

1031
00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:16,320
"It'll wear their carcasses
through the Ice Age."

1032
00:45:16,320 --> 00:45:19,160
"It'll go through famine.
It'll go through world wars."

1033
00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:21,960
"It'll eventually start
getting scared of words."

1034
00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:24,760
[audience laughing]

1035
00:45:24,760 --> 00:45:26,000
"But...

1036
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:28,080
- [Gervais laughing]
- [audience cheering]

1037
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:31,680
[audience clapping]

1038
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:36,600
...for 10,000 generations,
it'll be top dog." [growls]

1039
00:45:36,600 --> 00:45:39,200
"What are they?" "His testicles." "Oh."

1040
00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:41,560
"What are they for?"
"He keeps everything in there."

1041
00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:46,720
"His... His seed, his DNA." "What's 'DNA'?"
"It's like a blueprint for life."

1042
00:45:46,720 --> 00:45:49,200
"It determines what you're like,
what sex you are." [gasps]

1043
00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:51,000
"How many sexes are there?" "Two."

1044
00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:53,520
[audience laughing]

1045
00:45:53,520 --> 00:45:55,600
- [audience cheering]
- [Gervais laughs]

1046
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:02,240
"Also, that's where he keeps
his testosterone,

1047
00:46:02,240 --> 00:46:04,080
so he's fucking well hard. Right?"

1048
00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:07,560
"And if you take a finger
and flick a testicle, he's fucked."

1049
00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:10,680
"He's absolutely fucked. He's--
He's throwing up. He's on the floor."

1050
00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:13,440
"He's out of the game.
Absolutely kippered."

1051
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:16,800
"Why are you putting it on the outside?"
"For a laugh. Just for a laugh."

1052
00:46:16,800 --> 00:46:18,880
[audience laughing]

1053
00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:22,400
Artificial intelligence,

1054
00:46:22,400 --> 00:46:25,160
the latest existential threat to humanity.

1055
00:46:25,160 --> 00:46:26,600
The rise of the robots.

1056
00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:30,720
So intelligent, they can teach themselves.
They can teach each other.

1057
00:46:30,720 --> 00:46:32,880
They can build each other, you know?

1058
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:35,960
Um, soon, they'll know everything
there is to know and they'll hate us.

1059
00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:37,000
Why wouldn't they?

1060
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:40,520
And they'll be so realistic. They'll walk
amongst us. They'll go to work, right?

1061
00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:42,240
You know when they're getting
really human?

1062
00:46:42,240 --> 00:46:45,000
- When they start calling in sick.
- [audience laughing]

1063
00:46:45,000 --> 00:46:46,800
Mondays. Know what I mean?

1064
00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:50,240
They've learned all the tricks.
They go, "I'm not coming in today."

1065
00:46:50,800 --> 00:46:52,800
"Why not?" "I'm fed up."

1066
00:46:53,640 --> 00:46:56,600
"What's the matter with you?"
They sort of scan social media.

1067
00:46:56,600 --> 00:46:57,920
"ADHD."

1068
00:46:57,920 --> 00:46:59,680
[audience laughing]

1069
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:01,440
"Self-diagnosed."

1070
00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:04,520
They'll be in HR all the time
where they'll be like,

1071
00:47:04,520 --> 00:47:07,280
"Ryan in Accounts is robo-phobic."

1072
00:47:07,280 --> 00:47:08,360
[audience laughing]

1073
00:47:08,360 --> 00:47:11,760
"Why? What'd he say?"
"Called me a whiny plastic cunt." [laughs]

1074
00:47:11,760 --> 00:47:13,000
[audience laughing]

1075
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:15,920
I think we should be allowed
to insult robots when it's happening.

1076
00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:19,680
We made them to make our life easier,
and that would get things off our chest.

1077
00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:22,760
It's bad enough with real people.
Getting in trouble saying the wrong thing.

1078
00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:24,760
People taking things the wrong way,
you know?

1079
00:47:24,760 --> 00:47:29,120
Like, "Oh my God. Oh.
I made Fat Linda cry today. Oh."

1080
00:47:29,120 --> 00:47:30,040
[audience laughing]

1081
00:47:30,040 --> 00:47:32,440
"Oh, what happened?"
"I just shouted out to her,

1082
00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:35,560
then I remembered
we only call her that behind her back."

1083
00:47:35,560 --> 00:47:37,880
[audience laughing]

1084
00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:40,760
I'm sure people didn't get offended
all the time when I was little.

1085
00:47:40,760 --> 00:47:43,120
I might be remembering it wrong,
but not grownups.

1086
00:47:43,120 --> 00:47:44,840
Not your parents, not your grandparents.

1087
00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:48,760
They grew up dodging bombs,
and their firstborn having polio,

1088
00:47:48,760 --> 00:47:51,040
and the menfolk dying at 50
of lung disease.

1089
00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:53,280
They could take a fucking joke, right?

1090
00:47:53,280 --> 00:47:56,440
It was all about the wind-up.
I used to wind up my mum all the time.

1091
00:47:56,440 --> 00:47:57,640
This is a true story.

1092
00:47:57,640 --> 00:48:01,640
When I went off to university,
after about a week, I phoned home.

1093
00:48:01,640 --> 00:48:03,160
My mum answered. She went, "Hello?"

1094
00:48:03,160 --> 00:48:06,600
I went, "It's Ricky." She went,
"You all right?" I went, "Not really."

1095
00:48:06,600 --> 00:48:08,880
"I'm in the hospital. I think I'm blind."

1096
00:48:08,880 --> 00:48:11,720
She went, "What?"
I went, "No, I'm only joking." Right?

1097
00:48:11,720 --> 00:48:12,960
[audience laughing]

1098
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:17,960
She went, "You silly bugger." She went,
"I could've had a heart attack." Right?

1099
00:48:17,960 --> 00:48:21,320
And she's right. She could've had
a heart attack, and I knew that.

1100
00:48:21,320 --> 00:48:24,520
That's how committed I am
to having a laugh.

1101
00:48:24,520 --> 00:48:26,920
[audience laughing]

1102
00:48:26,920 --> 00:48:29,080
You're welcome. You're welcome.

1103
00:48:29,080 --> 00:48:31,440
[audience cheering and clapping]

1104
00:48:31,440 --> 00:48:32,840
[Gervais laughs]

1105
00:48:33,880 --> 00:48:36,720
Space travel, the last-ditch attempt.

1106
00:48:36,720 --> 00:48:39,880
When we fuck this planet completely,
can we leave its dying husk

1107
00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:41,800
and move to a new one and start again?

1108
00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:43,800
I don't think so. Not in my lifetime.

1109
00:48:43,800 --> 00:48:46,040
Probably not in yours, you know?
It's like...

1110
00:48:46,040 --> 00:48:49,360
The closest one,
the only one viable is Mars,

1111
00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:52,280
and that's nine months away
on a rocket, right?

1112
00:48:52,280 --> 00:48:54,000
It's got no atmosphere,

1113
00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:57,120
an average temperature
of minus 70 degrees.

1114
00:48:57,120 --> 00:48:58,440
How's this for irony?

1115
00:48:58,440 --> 00:49:02,400
Scientists are working out whether they
can detonate nuclear warheads in the crust

1116
00:49:02,400 --> 00:49:05,400
to release the frozen water,
to cause an atmosphere

1117
00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:08,280
and get a little bit
of global warming going. I mean...

1118
00:49:08,280 --> 00:49:10,120
- [audience laughing]
- [tsks] I don't know.

1119
00:49:10,120 --> 00:49:13,920
It's only billionaires that have got
enough money to waste on exploring--

1120
00:49:13,920 --> 00:49:16,320
There's nothing out there, you know?
It's like--

1121
00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:18,520
Now you can do space tourism.
Have you heard of that?

1122
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:23,200
You can pay $150,000.
They shoot you into space for an hour,

1123
00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:26,120
and you float around going,
"I'm in space! I'm in--"

1124
00:49:26,120 --> 00:49:27,440
We're already in space.

1125
00:49:27,440 --> 00:49:30,840
Earth is right in the fucking middle
of space, right?

1126
00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:35,320
It's the best bit of space there is.
It's got car parks and cinemas.

1127
00:49:35,320 --> 00:49:38,680
It's like-- There's nothing else to see.
It's like living in London and going,

1128
00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:41,440
"I wonder what Coventry's like."
You don't. [laughs]

1129
00:49:41,440 --> 00:49:43,960
[audience laughing]

1130
00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:48,320
But I'm optimistic.

1131
00:49:48,840 --> 00:49:49,920
I am. I think...

1132
00:49:51,640 --> 00:49:52,720
I think, uh...

1133
00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:56,880
I think people care
about the planet, deep down.

1134
00:49:56,880 --> 00:50:00,960
I think it's just that most people
on the planet don't realize

1135
00:50:00,960 --> 00:50:04,040
that most people on the planet
are destroying the planet.

1136
00:50:04,040 --> 00:50:06,960
Most people don't realize that,
in my lifetime,

1137
00:50:06,960 --> 00:50:10,600
we've wiped out 70%
of all animal populations.

1138
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:13,760
And what's left, en masse,
on the Earth, of animals,

1139
00:50:13,760 --> 00:50:18,600
is 36% human, 60% farm animals
just to feed humans,

1140
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:20,360
and 4% wild now.

1141
00:50:20,360 --> 00:50:23,200
People don't realize that
we have to tear down entire rainforests,

1142
00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:27,520
the lungs of the earth, just to grow grain
to feed these cows to feed us.

1143
00:50:27,520 --> 00:50:30,760
We steal grain from Third World countries,
'cause they want hard currency.

1144
00:50:30,760 --> 00:50:34,440
They can't even feed their own people.
We take their grain, feed our cow.

1145
00:50:34,440 --> 00:50:37,200
Meat eaters. If you eat meat every day...

1146
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:41,040
If you gave up one day a week,
we'd feed another hundred million people.

1147
00:50:41,040 --> 00:50:45,040
But I think people care, deep down.
They go, "It's out of sight, out of mind."

1148
00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:47,960
Think of the animal that most people know.
Their dog. They love their dog.

1149
00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:52,640
They wouldn't let anyone hurt their dog.
And a dog is a cow, is a sheep, is a deer.

1150
00:50:52,640 --> 00:50:54,360
People love their dogs so much,

1151
00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:57,440
they won't even watch a fictional thing
where a dog gets hurt.

1152
00:50:57,440 --> 00:50:58,880
And I get that.

1153
00:50:58,880 --> 00:51:00,680
There's a-- There's a website.

1154
00:51:01,200 --> 00:51:02,520
It's a real website.

1155
00:51:02,520 --> 00:51:05,240
It's called doesthedogdie.com. Right?

1156
00:51:05,240 --> 00:51:06,880
[scattered laughter]

1157
00:51:06,880 --> 00:51:11,480
And it was set up
because people would watch a film

1158
00:51:11,480 --> 00:51:14,960
or a program with a dog in it,
and summat would happen to the dog,

1159
00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:15,960
and they'd turn it off.

1160
00:51:15,960 --> 00:51:18,320
It'd ruin it for them.
It'd ruin their day, right?

1161
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:21,600
So this website was set up.
You could go to it,

1162
00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:25,640
you could put in any film or TV show,
and ask, "Does a dog die?"

1163
00:51:25,640 --> 00:51:27,800
And someone would answer you,
"No," or whatever.

1164
00:51:27,800 --> 00:51:31,200
And, um, it's become a thing
for anyone's phobias.

1165
00:51:31,200 --> 00:51:33,000
Anything you don't want to see in a film,

1166
00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:35,760
you just look up the film,
and they answer your question, right?

1167
00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:38,200
So, uh, I looked up one film on here.

1168
00:51:38,200 --> 00:51:40,120
Uh, <i>Schindler's List.</i>

1169
00:51:40,120 --> 00:51:42,520
[audience laughing]

1170
00:51:42,520 --> 00:51:44,440
[audience murmuring]

1171
00:51:45,240 --> 00:51:48,960
Absolutely real. <i>Schindler's List.</i>
Doesthedogdie.com. Right?

1172
00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:51,680
First question, "Does a dog die?" "No."

1173
00:51:51,680 --> 00:51:53,200
"Does a cat die?" "No."

1174
00:51:53,200 --> 00:51:54,920
"Are any animals abused?"

1175
00:51:54,920 --> 00:51:57,840
Someone answers, "There is a chicken
that's handled roughly,

1176
00:51:57,840 --> 00:51:59,360
but otherwise unharmed."

1177
00:51:59,360 --> 00:52:01,760
[audience laughing]

1178
00:52:01,760 --> 00:52:04,440
Now, I love animals
more than anyone I know.

1179
00:52:04,440 --> 00:52:05,600
But if I was Jewish,

1180
00:52:05,600 --> 00:52:08,160
I'd be slightly offended
by this avenue of questioning.

1181
00:52:08,160 --> 00:52:09,480
Imagine that in real life.

1182
00:52:09,480 --> 00:52:11,760
Imagine someone says, "Oh, yeah, my...

1183
00:52:11,760 --> 00:52:13,960
my grandparents
were murdered by the Nazis."

1184
00:52:13,960 --> 00:52:15,160
You go, "Oh, what happened?"

1185
00:52:15,160 --> 00:52:18,680
"Oh, they were dragged from their house
and sent to the gas chamber." "Oh..."

1186
00:52:18,680 --> 00:52:20,280
"Was a chicken hurt?" "What?"

1187
00:52:20,280 --> 00:52:22,160
[audience laughing]

1188
00:52:23,400 --> 00:52:26,600
But as I say, it's become...
You can ask any question about anything.

1189
00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:29,600
Someone says, "Is there child abuse?
Is teeth damaged?"

1190
00:52:29,600 --> 00:52:32,480
"Is there a hanging?
Does someone struggle to breathe?"

1191
00:52:32,480 --> 00:52:34,760
[laughs] Yeah. Well, yeah.

1192
00:52:34,760 --> 00:52:36,440
Yes. Um...

1193
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:39,960
Someone says,
"Does someone fall down stairs?"

1194
00:52:39,960 --> 00:52:42,400
Who's scared of slapstick? It's like...

1195
00:52:42,400 --> 00:52:43,880
[audience laughing]

1196
00:52:44,640 --> 00:52:48,920
Anyway, so this website was founded
in 2010,

1197
00:52:48,920 --> 00:52:50,840
so it's running for about 13 years. Right?

1198
00:52:50,840 --> 00:52:55,080
And the later questions
start reflecting the times we live in now,

1199
00:52:55,080 --> 00:52:58,160
and they get more and more fragile
and narcissistic.

1200
00:52:58,160 --> 00:53:02,280
These questions were asked this year.
Check it out. <i>Schindler's List.</i> Right?

1201
00:53:02,280 --> 00:53:05,120
Someone says, "Are there any fat jokes?"

1202
00:53:05,120 --> 00:53:06,040
[audience murmuring]

1203
00:53:06,040 --> 00:53:08,880
Would that make this worse? Wh--

1204
00:53:09,720 --> 00:53:10,640
Imagine the real thing.

1205
00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:13,200
Imagine I'm in
a concentration camp, right?

1206
00:53:13,200 --> 00:53:15,680
I'm naked. Everyone around me is naked.

1207
00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:18,520
We've got a commandant herding us
towards the gas chamber,

1208
00:53:18,520 --> 00:53:20,720
and he goes, "Move it, fatty." Right?

1209
00:53:20,720 --> 00:53:22,440
And I go, "Rude."

1210
00:53:22,440 --> 00:53:23,920
[audience laughing]

1211
00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:28,920
"Nope."

1212
00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:32,160
"That has ruined the whole experience
if I'm honest."

1213
00:53:32,160 --> 00:53:33,560
[audience laughing]

1214
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:39,560
Someone asks, "Is there hate speech?"

1215
00:53:40,120 --> 00:53:42,760
- Yeah, there is.
- [audience laughing]

1216
00:53:42,760 --> 00:53:44,160
Suck it up, buttercup.

1217
00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:45,800
[audience laughing]

1218
00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:48,400
"Are there any man-in-a-dress jokes?"

1219
00:53:48,960 --> 00:53:51,240
- Very few jokes.
- [audience laughing]

1220
00:53:51,240 --> 00:53:54,920
If you've come to this film for a giggle,
you're gonna be very disappointed.

1221
00:53:54,920 --> 00:53:56,560
[audience laughing]

1222
00:53:56,560 --> 00:53:58,320
But this one takes the biscuit for me.

1223
00:53:58,320 --> 00:54:00,760
Remember, this is a movie
set in the 1940s,

1224
00:54:00,760 --> 00:54:03,520
about, arguably, the worst atrocity
in civilized human history.

1225
00:54:03,520 --> 00:54:04,640
Check this out.

1226
00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:06,640
"Is someone misgendered?"

1227
00:54:06,640 --> 00:54:08,560
- [audience laughing]
- Fucking hell.

1228
00:54:10,800 --> 00:54:12,000
[woman 7] Oh shit!

1229
00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:14,920
This is quite sweet.
"Is there any antisemitism?"

1230
00:54:14,920 --> 00:54:17,040
- [laughs] Yeah.
- [audience laughing]

1231
00:54:17,040 --> 00:54:19,400
This is pretty much the mother lode.

1232
00:54:19,400 --> 00:54:20,640
Right?

1233
00:54:20,640 --> 00:54:22,160
Forget Kanye.

1234
00:54:22,160 --> 00:54:24,000
- This...
- [audience laughing]

1235
00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:26,480
This is off the fucking charts.

1236
00:54:26,480 --> 00:54:28,400
Don't do that
when you're talking about this.

1237
00:54:28,400 --> 00:54:29,800
- Fuck's sake!
- [audience laughing]

1238
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:32,760
I was doing the graph.
I was doing like that.

1239
00:54:32,760 --> 00:54:34,360
This is off the charts.

1240
00:54:34,960 --> 00:54:36,280
That's... [laughs]

1241
00:54:37,560 --> 00:54:40,120
Wouldn't things have been different
if that was Hitler's salute?

1242
00:54:40,120 --> 00:54:42,800
The whole thing would've been like,
"It's Hitler."

1243
00:54:43,520 --> 00:54:45,200
- Like that.
- [audience laughing]

1244
00:54:45,200 --> 00:54:46,120
Hiya.

1245
00:54:46,880 --> 00:54:48,480
[Gervais laughing]

1246
00:54:50,640 --> 00:54:53,600
This is interesting.
"Does it have a sad ending?"

1247
00:54:53,600 --> 00:54:56,880
Right? Someone says yes,
and then someone else says no.

1248
00:54:56,880 --> 00:54:59,000
And I thought about it.
But then I remembered...

1249
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:01,120
If you've... If you've seen the film,
if you remember,

1250
00:55:01,120 --> 00:55:02,840
when the story sort of ends,

1251
00:55:03,320 --> 00:55:06,280
Spielberg then tacks on
a real bit of footage

1252
00:55:06,280 --> 00:55:11,640
where he gets real-life descendants
of people murdered in the Holocaust,

1253
00:55:11,640 --> 00:55:14,760
and he films them
coming into a Jewish cemetery,

1254
00:55:14,760 --> 00:55:17,400
and they each leave a stone on the grave

1255
00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:19,880
to represent their family members
that were murdered.

1256
00:55:19,880 --> 00:55:24,040
It builds up, and it's very moving.
So I think I get the ambiguity.

1257
00:55:24,040 --> 00:55:26,240
"Does it have a sad ending?" Yes,

1258
00:55:26,240 --> 00:55:29,800
in the sense that six million Jews
pointlessly lost their life,

1259
00:55:29,800 --> 00:55:32,480
but no, in the sense
there was still enough left over

1260
00:55:32,480 --> 00:55:33,920
to build a little rockery.

1261
00:55:34,520 --> 00:55:36,240
- So...
- [audience laughing]

1262
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:47,040
I asked one question myself on this.

1263
00:55:47,640 --> 00:55:49,400
"Is James Corden in it?"

1264
00:55:49,400 --> 00:55:51,000
[audience laughing]

1265
00:55:51,000 --> 00:55:53,320
[audience cheering and clapping]

1266
00:55:58,040 --> 00:56:00,520
I did, um,
look at one other film, briefly.

1267
00:56:00,520 --> 00:56:04,480
Uh, <i>Titanic.</i> Right? And it's got
all the same sort of questions.

1268
00:56:04,480 --> 00:56:06,840
The one where it goes,
"Are any animals harmed?"

1269
00:56:06,840 --> 00:56:07,880
Someone answers,

1270
00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:10,480
"There are no explicit scenes
of animals being harmed,

1271
00:56:10,480 --> 00:56:13,920
but Rose did have a goldfish,
which probably didn't make it."

1272
00:56:13,920 --> 00:56:16,440
[audience laughing]

1273
00:56:16,440 --> 00:56:19,040
I think the goldfish
in the bowl on the sideboard

1274
00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:21,280
when the boat hits the iceberg,
and he's all like that.

1275
00:56:21,280 --> 00:56:24,000
And people are running around going,
"Ahh! We're going in the water!"

1276
00:56:24,000 --> 00:56:27,120
And he's all smug then.
And he's going, "Don't worry about it."

1277
00:56:27,120 --> 00:56:28,320
[audience laughing]

1278
00:56:28,320 --> 00:56:30,240
"Oh no, not water." [laughs]

1279
00:56:30,240 --> 00:56:31,640
[audience laughing]

1280
00:56:31,640 --> 00:56:35,320
Then he gets in the sea, and goes,
"It's very salty, innit? It's very salty."

1281
00:56:35,320 --> 00:56:36,920
[audience laughing]

1282
00:56:40,320 --> 00:56:41,160
[Gervais laughs]

1283
00:56:43,680 --> 00:56:45,720
I'll leave you with a true story.

1284
00:56:46,560 --> 00:56:48,720
It's still on the theme
of "does the dog die?"

1285
00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:51,280
When I was seven years old,

1286
00:56:51,280 --> 00:56:55,240
my mum took me to the cinema
to see a film called <i>Old Yeller.</i>

1287
00:56:55,960 --> 00:56:56,960
Beautiful film.

1288
00:56:56,960 --> 00:56:58,800
Yeah, made in the late '50s.

1289
00:56:58,800 --> 00:57:02,720
And sort of set
in the Wild West on this homestead.

1290
00:57:02,720 --> 00:57:07,160
And it's about a... a kid
who adopts this little junkyard dog.

1291
00:57:07,160 --> 00:57:09,560
And he calls him Old Yeller,
and they grow up together.

1292
00:57:09,560 --> 00:57:13,040
And it's a buddy movie. It's a love story
between this kid and his dog.

1293
00:57:13,040 --> 00:57:15,000
Eventually, when the dog's big,

1294
00:57:15,000 --> 00:57:17,560
and, you know,
he protects this kid in the wild,

1295
00:57:17,560 --> 00:57:20,080
he fights a cougar,
and a bear, and a wolf, or whatever.

1296
00:57:20,600 --> 00:57:24,240
But towards the end of the film,
the kid's about 13, maybe,

1297
00:57:24,240 --> 00:57:25,600
it takes a dark turn.

1298
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:29,480
I remember the kid sorta looking
at Old Yeller who's locked in the barn.

1299
00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:32,600
And the mother's suspicious, right?
She goes, "Is Old Yeller all right?"

1300
00:57:32,600 --> 00:57:35,880
"Yeah, he's fine. He's fine." But the kid
knows that he's been bitten, right?

1301
00:57:35,880 --> 00:57:38,400
And soon, Old Yeller
starts foaming at the mouth and...

1302
00:57:38,400 --> 00:57:40,200
[growls] ...getting aggressive.

1303
00:57:40,200 --> 00:57:44,720
And the mother turns up with a gun,
and the kid goes, "No."

1304
00:57:44,720 --> 00:57:46,640
And she goes,
"You know we've gotta do it."

1305
00:57:46,640 --> 00:57:49,760
He goes, "Yeah, but he's my dog.
I'll do it."

1306
00:57:49,760 --> 00:57:51,640
And he shoots his own dog.

1307
00:57:51,640 --> 00:57:55,640
And I was, like, in floods
for like a year. Right?

1308
00:57:56,240 --> 00:57:57,800
Anyway, fast-forward.

1309
00:57:57,800 --> 00:58:00,160
A few years ago, I was on tour.

1310
00:58:00,160 --> 00:58:03,200
I was on a train,
and I get a text from Jane.

1311
00:58:03,720 --> 00:58:06,200
She says,
"Oh, I'm finally watching <i>Old Yeller."</i>

1312
00:58:06,200 --> 00:58:08,480
And I sent back, "Oh, enjoy." Right?

1313
00:58:08,480 --> 00:58:09,960
[audience laughing]

1314
00:58:09,960 --> 00:58:13,760
I didn't think, right?
Twenty minutes later, I get a text.

1315
00:58:13,760 --> 00:58:15,960
"Nothing happens to that dog, does it?"

1316
00:58:16,520 --> 00:58:18,640
Oh, I couldn't believe my fucking luck.

1317
00:58:18,640 --> 00:58:20,280
- I...
- [audience laughing]

1318
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:22,560
Oh, I thought she knew.

1319
00:58:22,560 --> 00:58:25,280
So I sent back, "No, of course not."

1320
00:58:25,280 --> 00:58:27,280
[audience laughing]

1321
00:58:27,280 --> 00:58:29,360
One hour later, I get a text,

1322
00:58:29,360 --> 00:58:31,320
"You cunt!" [laughs]

1323
00:58:31,320 --> 00:58:33,400
[audience laughing]

1324
00:58:33,400 --> 00:58:35,240
[audience clapping]

1325
00:58:36,480 --> 00:58:37,400
Thank you.

1326
00:58:38,440 --> 00:58:39,720
Thank you. Thank you.

1327
00:58:40,520 --> 00:58:42,240
Thank you very much. Cheers.

1328
00:58:42,240 --> 00:58:44,240
Thanks to everyone who bought a ticket.

1329
00:58:44,240 --> 00:58:47,400
If you bought a platinum ticket,
the money goes to an animal charity,

1330
00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:51,400
and you've raised two million dollars
so far. So thank you so much.

1331
00:58:51,920 --> 00:58:53,680
[audience cheering and clapping]

1332
00:58:55,160 --> 00:58:57,800
I even get a bit of stick about that
on social media.

1333
00:58:57,800 --> 00:59:01,120
There's always someone who goes, "Oh,
why do you only speak up for animals?"

1334
00:59:01,120 --> 00:59:04,680
And I go, "Well, 'cause they haven't got
a voice of their own, except parrots."

1335
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:08,000
Um, and that's...
I think that's why we don't eat parrots.

1336
00:59:08,000 --> 00:59:11,520
Everyone around the world eats
every other type of bird, don't they?

1337
00:59:11,520 --> 00:59:15,560
Everyone in the world eats
fucking chickens, and ducks, and geese,

1338
00:59:15,560 --> 00:59:17,600
and turkeys, and ostriches.

1339
00:59:17,600 --> 00:59:19,240
No one eats parrots. Do you know why?

1340
00:59:19,240 --> 00:59:22,040
If you go and try and eat a parrot,
it goes, "Fuck off, you cunt.”

1341
00:59:22,040 --> 00:59:23,680
[audience laughing]

1342
00:59:23,680 --> 00:59:26,880
So speaking up really does work. Right?

1343
00:59:26,880 --> 00:59:27,800
[audience cheers]

1344
00:59:27,800 --> 00:59:30,040
And that has sort of been
one of the themes of the show.

1345
00:59:30,040 --> 00:59:31,440
'Cause I know, in the real world,

1346
00:59:31,440 --> 00:59:34,520
in normal jobs and everyday life,
you get in trouble.

1347
00:59:34,520 --> 00:59:36,640
People tell you off
for saying certain things,

1348
00:59:36,640 --> 00:59:39,720
or thinking certain things,
or even laughing at certain things, right?

1349
00:59:39,720 --> 00:59:41,720
They say you're bad for laughing at that.

1350
00:59:41,720 --> 00:59:45,120
And some of you take it to heart.
You go, "Oh my God. Am I a bad person?"

1351
00:59:45,120 --> 00:59:49,080
No, you're not. One, you can't choose
your sense of humor. You can't.

1352
00:59:49,080 --> 00:59:50,160
It's involuntary.

1353
00:59:50,160 --> 00:59:55,160
And two, that's exactly what humor is for.
To laugh at bad shit to get us through it.

1354
00:59:55,160 --> 00:59:56,480
Right? And...

1355
00:59:56,480 --> 00:59:58,560
- Uh...
- [audience cheering and clapping]

1356
01:00:03,920 --> 01:00:06,520
And we've established
you can't even choose your own thoughts.

1357
01:00:06,520 --> 01:00:09,400
How often have you been on a train station
and you've suddenly thought,

1358
01:00:09,400 --> 01:00:11,320
"What if I just pushed that bloke?" And...

1359
01:00:11,320 --> 01:00:13,880
[audience laughing]

1360
01:00:13,880 --> 01:00:16,720
And then you go,
"Why have I thought that?! Am I--"

1361
01:00:17,240 --> 01:00:19,600
"Am I a psychopath?"
No. You're not. You're the opposite.

1362
01:00:19,600 --> 01:00:20,960
You're a safe pair of hands.

1363
01:00:20,960 --> 01:00:22,080
You're testing yourself,

1364
01:00:22,080 --> 01:00:24,040
you're reminding yourself
how terrible that'd be.

1365
01:00:24,040 --> 01:00:25,440
You're a good person, right?

1366
01:00:25,440 --> 01:00:27,400
I don't get that one. Um...

1367
01:00:28,680 --> 01:00:32,040
What I get is,
I'm talking to a really sweet old lady,

1368
01:00:32,040 --> 01:00:35,400
and I suddenly start thinking,
"What if I just spat in her face now?"

1369
01:00:35,400 --> 01:00:37,760
- Why would I...
- [audience laughing]

1370
01:00:37,760 --> 01:00:39,800
[Gervais laughing]

1371
01:00:42,320 --> 01:00:47,280
Another theme of the show has been,
"words change, and I'm woke, ha-ha."

1372
01:00:47,280 --> 01:00:48,880
But here's the irony.

1373
01:00:48,880 --> 01:00:52,560
I think I am woke,
but I think that word has changed.

1374
01:00:52,560 --> 01:00:55,640
I think if woke still means
what it used to mean,

1375
01:00:55,640 --> 01:00:58,080
that you're aware of your own privilege,

1376
01:00:58,080 --> 01:01:01,320
you try and maximize equality,
minimize oppression,

1377
01:01:01,320 --> 01:01:05,680
be anti-racist, anti-sexist,
anti-homophobic... Yes, I'm definitely woke.

1378
01:01:05,680 --> 01:01:11,040
If woke now means being
a puritanical, authoritarian bully,

1379
01:01:11,040 --> 01:01:13,920
who gets people fired
for an honest opinion or even a fact,

1380
01:01:13,920 --> 01:01:15,360
then, no, I'm not woke.

1381
01:01:15,360 --> 01:01:16,320
Fuck that.

1382
01:01:16,840 --> 01:01:18,640
[audience cheering]

1383
01:01:23,840 --> 01:01:25,080
[man 5 yelling]

1384
01:01:25,080 --> 01:01:27,040
But here's the deal.

1385
01:01:27,040 --> 01:01:29,720
To each their own.
Laugh at whatever you find funny.

1386
01:01:29,720 --> 01:01:33,120
All laughter's good,
and you're amazing. Good night.

1387
01:01:33,120 --> 01:01:35,040
[audience cheering and clapping]

1388
01:01:44,440 --> 01:01:46,440
[cheering continues]

1389
01:02:20,360 --> 01:02:23,280
[audience chattering]