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SPLASHBACK
In the end, it's simple:
some spend their whole lives hiding behind their desks,
and then die in anonymity. Teachers are a great example of that.
While others, guided by their instincts, relentless drive,
and dutiful patriotism,
bravely lead our nation into a new and exciting future.
I like to think I'm on the tip of that sword.
My name's gonna be a part of history. Napoleon, Columbus,
Alexander the fucking Great. Carved in stone.
- Jack Wancker. - It just annoys me.
Splashback. From the urinal. I hate it.
You know, just... droplets bouncing off the porcelain.
Leaves you with sprayed khakis and yellow stains on the shirt.
Somebody should do something about it.
I'm talking about history in the making here, and you're talking about piss?
Well, it's the big problem for 70 percent of the male population.
Except for the little boys, who aren't tall enough to reach the porcelain.
Clearly you don't understand the importance of what's about to happen.
No, ahm, yeah...
I'm really happy for ya. For us both.
Sure, you're a part of it too.
Day of the Apollo 11 Launch July, 16, 1969
United States Space Agency
Wow, she's a real beauty, ha?
The main event, ha?
Yeah.
I was just wondering, did you manage to get a chance to talk to your boss?
Ahm, no.
- I guess you've just been to busy. - No, I just forgot.
Why, I would really appreciate it if you could.
You know, maybe I'd get a chance to pitch some of my ideas,
you know, have chance at R&D.
Look, I've known you for how long? Five years?
Ten years, actually. You know, you married my sister.
- We're brothers in law. - Right.
And that's exactly the reason you should forget about it.
And your mind is just not creative enough for R&D.
Well, I've invented a few things myself, you know?
- Any of it work? - Well no, but, you know...
Things work out even if they don't in the beginning.
It's a high pressure environment, you couldn't cope with the stress.
The guys over there, they're geniuses.
Look, you're very important to us,
and that's the reason you should stay in the spot that we need you the most:
Supplies.
SUPPLIES
Hey, how are you doin'?
Ten... nine... ignition sequence starts...
Six... five... four... three... two... one... zero...
All engines running.
Lift-off! We have a lift-off, 32 minutes past the hour. Lift-off on Apollo 11.
Neil, we can see you coming down the ladder now.
That's one small step for man,
one giant leap for mankind.
Not since Columbus has there been such a historic event.
Me and my boys did a hell of a job.
Now we're not only the greatest nation on the planet,
but also... the Moon. Thank you.
That's one small toast for man, one giant for mankind.
To me! And my boys up there. May they return home safely.
Wancker, Wancker, Wancker!
Can you believe it? I fuckin' did it. I'm a part of history.
Amazing, right?
- And you deserve it. - Thanks, buddy.
I've been meaning to show you something.
I finally cracked the splashback problem.
You're looking at "The Urinal Splash Guard 1.0."
It'll forever change the way we experience micturition.
Huh, it's a real game changer.
Hey! So, uhm, you work for the Space Agency?
You bet.
I'll bet everything I have. Not that I have much.
Jeez, that's so swell.
- So, uhm, know any astronauts? - Neil and I are... very close.
Wow!
Maybe you'd like to discuss space exploration a little more... in-depth?
Well, she seems like a nice young lady. I bet my sister would love her.
Yeah she's, uhm, very interested in the whole Moon thing... process.
Anyway, you were talkin' about a... pee net?
I like to call it "The Urinal Splash Guard 1.0".
The quintessential barrier between the porcelain and stream impact.
Every hole, pitch and diameter mathematically precise.
Anyway, I built this urinating simulator, for test purposes.
Oh, a fascinating piece of machinery.
It's tested "The Urinal Splash Guard 1.0" to it's limits.
And confirmed all my theories.
But, to be one hundred percent certain,
I need additional input parameters from the field.
What, me?
Well, it would be delightful if you could.
Why not. Gotta take a leak anyway.
You know, this kinda feels like, my own personal Apollo launch.
You do realize that I'm about to piss on your idea?
Heh, yeah.
That's a good one!
One might think
that the process of aiming urination can be summarized
with "get it all in the bowl", but that would be wrong.
The physics of splash dynamics is thoroughly complicated.
Have you ever heard of the Plateau- Rayleigh instability phenomenon?
A... a falling stream of liquid will break into little droplets,
and it's these that are the perpetrators of the splash formation on your khakis.
Moment of truth.
And?
- Guess it's dry. - We have to be certain.
- You mind if I take a look? - All right.
Oh my God.
No drops. No wetness.
No visible or tactile signs of splashback.
- I did it! It works! - Enough!
We landed on the fuckin' Moon, and here we are,
in the pisser, you pestering me about your goddamn pee net.
It's called "The Urinal Splash Guard 1.0".
Who cares what it's called?
- What the fuck? - It's the prototype.
This... is ridiculous.
Another historic day is upon us.
Our heroes have returned home.
For the first time, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin,
and Michael Collins will share their personal experiences
of their heroic Apollo mission with the public.
Hey!
Visitors are not allowed in this area.
I... I work here.
Yeah? Well, I've never seen and I would have,
'cause... I'm a lavatory supervisor.
I run this place.
George...
- Loser? - It's Losser, double S.
I believe humans have a finite amount of heartbeats
and I don't intend to waste mine on exercise.
- Last question. - Ricky Deck, LA Brutalist .
Mr. Armstrong, what is our place in the universe and where are we heading?
Well, scientifically, Earth is travelling many thousand of miles per hour
in the direction of the constellation Hercules,
to an unknown destination in the cosmos.
But I can tell you much more precisely where I'm going,
and that's the little boys room.
If space teaches you anything,
it's to appreciate the quality of a good ol' fashioned pee.
Embrace the mystery.
What do we say when the budget comes up for review? The sky is the limit!
Got another one. Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space? To find Pluto!
Gentlemen, could I have a word with you?
Neil, something wrong?
Do you happen to know anything about the plastic thingy, back in the john?
It's kinda like a... like a circle, filled with holes and bumps?
Oh, I'm so sorry. Excuse me. I... It's my fault.
May I... ask why?
Well, thirty years I've been having some,
some trouble with the john.
Sprayed khakis, yellow stains on my sleeves
and ammonia-scented shirts.
Not even once have I left the battlefield dry.
And God knows I've tried everything.
Stopped aiming directly at a 90 degree angle to avoid the kickback,
moved in closer, reduced the angle, nothin'.
I tried both sides.
I even tried to control the impact velocity and pressure.
By the way, that's a real bummer.
Seems I'm, I'm destined to become a... "Sitzpinkler".
- Wha-a-what's a... "Sitzsprinkler"? - "Sitzpinkler".
It's German, for "a man who sits down to pee".
Oh, so sorry! Sorry! Oh, don't mind me, don't mind me.
- Are you talkin' about the... pee net? - That's how you call it?
Yeah.
Just when I thought the Saturn V was the peek of your inventions,
you geniuses come up with this!
For the first time in my life, after taking a pee, I feel like a man!
So, so... which brilliant mind came up with this?
I did! I did!
- Well... - I... I...
What the hell? What's wrong with you, boy?
I'm so sorry!
Dammit!
No point to keep it a secret anymore. Seems I'm the guilty party.
Really?
You know, it was a little secret passion project of mine.
I didn't know you where into science?
- I thought it was kinda dumb, really. - Dumb? It's boss.
Jack, you're a genius!
I want in on this.
Yeah! Yeah! I like it! I like it!
I still can't believe it. Neil wants to be a partner. It's crazy, right?
I mean, all he's yammering about is this goddamn pee net.
I've told you a million times,
it's "The Urinal Splash Guard 1-point-fucking-O".
Look, I know you're upset,
but I mean you have to understand how those guys tick.
How those guys tick?
Yeah, to them, and don't get this wrong, you're a nobody.
So, I said the only thing that made sense.
Who cares who's names's on it, as long as you get your share.
Share... of what?
Well, Neil was at a reception at the White House.
Now, you gotta know one thing:
Tricky Dick's absolutely in love with Neil,
he's eating out of his palm. So, there's Neil filling Dicky's ear with one thing,
and it's not the goddamn Moon landing, but...
"The Urinal Splash Guard 1.0".
How "great it is", how "revolutionary".
Turns out, he got curiosity from the Dick of all dicks.
What do you mean?
Nixon demands a pee test, for him and his entourage, at NASA.
- You're serious about this? - Get ready to have your mind blown.
If we deliver,
he'll install tens of thousands of the bastards
in military facilities all over the US of fucking A!
You know what that means? Private contract with the government,
and lots and lots of taxpayer smackeroos pouring into our pockets.
- Well, this is big news. - Well, fuck yeah it is!
Right, we've got 16 urinals, so we need 16 pieces in 48 hours.
- Can you deliver? - I... Well... I... I guess...
- Yeah. - Good!
And I'll put champagne on ice.
You and me... partners.
- Who would've thought, right? - Right.
So, what's my share gonna be? 60 percent? 70?
Yeah. About that...
Well, you see, you know, there's Neil, myself, legal fees,
you know, a few palms will have to be greased.
Nixon, his hand's deep in the cookie jar,
he'll want a piece of the action too.
- How about... two? - What?
What, three?
Oh my God! Did we just hit somebody?
Oh, thank God! It's just a stupid fuckin' mutt.
Oh, but he's still alive. We should take him to a veterinarian.
No way! It's a junk yard dog.
Well if you're not gonna take him, at least put him out of his misery.
I gotta meeting, I'm not making my hands dirty.
Stupid fuckin' mutt!
Got it polished a week ago. Hundred bucks.
There you go. Not bad.
Don't feel sorry. It's an ugly, useless, flea bag.
It's not fair.
That's how the world works. Some are just born to get fucked.
Mr. President, it's an honor to meet you, sir.
May I introduce you to Mr. Jack Wancker,
one of our brightest minds.
It's a real honor, Mr. President.
So, you're the mastermind behind this pee net?
I like to think I'm only serving my country, sir.
Spoken like a true patriot.
You've got a bright future ahead of you, son.
Lead on.
I'm afraid we're all outta johns. You'll have to hold it a little longer.
So, this is it?
The future of American lavatory culture.
Ready!
Aim!
Fire!
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
Jeez!
Mr. President, I'm so sorry!
Jack, this will have consequences!
Fuck!
CLASSIFIED
Shortly after the incident,
Jack Wancker admitted to the NASA investigating committee,
that the wee net was solely George Losser's idea.
It was George. You know George Lo... Losser?
Bob knows.
And that he had merely taken credit for it.
Jack was only reprimanded for his actions.
Yeeees! Sorry judge.
And then six months later,
Jack was promoted to the White House Chief of Staff.
He was chosen personally by the President,
for his patriotism and impeccable drive.
Some say, he has a great chance of becoming President one day.
As for George Losser, well he was immediately... fired.
But, shortly after, George became a physics teacher
in elementary school, and some say he was really happy.
George Loser. Double S, right?
How's unemployment?
And as for "The Urinal Splash Guard 1.0", well...
George never returned to his invention.
Only a month later, a so called "Pee Net" was registered
at the patent office,
by a man called Liam Prick.
He became a multimillionaire.
SPLASHBACK