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(♪)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
ELIZABETH: ♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
♪ A partridge in broom tree ♪
♪ On the second day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
♪ Brand new movies and a fuck ♪
I wish.
(LAUGHS)
♪ On the third day of Christmas
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
♪ Football tickets, but I don't even like football ♪
♪ I'd rather be at a spa ♪
♪ On the fourth day of Christmas ♪
♪ Your daddy gave to me ♪
♪ A second STD ♪
♪ Christmas freakin' sucks ♪
♪ It's stupid ♪
♪ The only thing that rocks ♪
♪ Is getting screwed by a mall Santa ♪
Wooh!
Yeah, you know what I am talkin' about, girls.
Get all mall Santa up in your business.
Merry Christmas, bitches!
CONNOR: Come on.
(♪)
ELIZABETH: Hey, honey, just landed here in New Mexico.
CONNOR ON PHONE: Are you gonna stop by and see your family?
(CONNOR AND ELIZABETH LAUGHING)
ELIZABETH: Very funny.
I'm just here to close the deal for us to buy the ski resort.
CONNOR ON PHONE: Great.
If you can get it closed before Christmas,
my dad said there's a raise in the future.
ELIZABETH: Well, don't worry.
The owner is a family friend. It'll be easy.
Oh, Julie's calling. Let's talk later, okay?
Love you.
CONNOR ON PHONE: Love you, too, babe.
(BEEPS)
Oh my God!
JULIE ON PHONE: Where have you been?
Long story,
but I had to fly back home to New Mexico.
JULIE ON PHONE: Okay, but did you see it?
See what?
JULIE ON PHONE: So you haven't?
What are you talking about?
JULIE ON PHONE: Karaoke! From the other night?
JULIE ON PHONE: Videos of it have gone viral.
What? No. N--
JULIE ON PHONE: I'm afraid so.
Shit. Julie, I gotta go.
I cannot believe it. Oh my God!
Okay, it's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay, right?
It's gonna be okay.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CHEERS)
RANDY: (INDISTINCT SPEECH)
Yeah... (INDISTINCT SPEECH)
Boys, thank you.
Lookin' good, boys.
Go on, hop up there, buddy. All right.
Throw it on over, Wyatt.
Hey! Nice.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, are you serious?
Are you kidding me?
Oh my God! Why is this my life?
(HONKS)
ELIZABETH: Oh my God, why?
You got a good tree, dude. Good.
(SCREAMS)
Okay.
(INHALES, EXHALES)
Okay, keep it together.
Not right now.
(EXHALES)
Beautiful! What a guy.
- All right, Marcy. - (OVERLAPPING SPEECH)
Good doing business with you.
You too, buddy.
- All right. Well, see ya. - All right, thank you.
Yeah. Thank you, guys.
(ENGINE REVS)
Okay. It's okay. Phew, I'm just gonna--
I'm just gonna leave it until later, because--
(EXHALES)
(GRUNTS)
Oh my God! Ugh, are you kidding me?
Uh-- uh, oh, come on!
- Excuse me. - ELIZABETH: Yes.
You okay?
Does it look like it?
Well, not really.
Um, you're here to buy a tree?
Nope.
Well, you're not dressed to ski lookin' like that.
No, I am here to see the owner.
Got it.
Uh, just to let you know, we do have a ski shop
that sells women's boots in your size
if you need a new pair.
- Okay, thank you. - Okay, all right. Oh, Je--
Oh! Oh. Oh.
Yes.
(CHUCKLES)
Um, my shoe is stuck.
- Got it. - In the mud.
- Good. Get that for you. - Oh, yeah.
- All right. - Oh God.
(GRUNTS)
Here is your shoe.
Yep.
Sorry about that, lady.
Thank you.
(GRUNTS)
Okay.
Right.
(EXHALES)
Do you uh, do you know where the owner is?
Oh, he's up at the top, cuttin' down a tree
for next weekend's Christmas Classic.
Of course he is.
And when will he be back down?
Is he expecting you?
No, I'm just here
to discuss some private business with him.
Well, could be a while.
He likes to take his time up there, so...
Well, do you think maybe someone could radio him
and tell him to come down?
Ugh, no.
No, unfortunately, it's too secluded up there.
I'll tell you what,
I'd be happy to take you up on my ATV.
I'm headed up there anyway, so...
You want me to go to the top of the mountain
in this on the back of your ATV?
Well, I think I did mention that we do have a ski shop
that sells not only women's boots
but also seasonal winter-appropriate attire.
Or I got an extra one of these.
No, not a chance in hell.
[WHIRRING)
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
(♪)
What? What-- what are you do-- Where's the boss?
Hey, Randy Collins.
What?
Owner and operator of Ski Alto.
Are you serious?
Uh, yeah.
Well, where's Jack?
My dad? He died a few years ago.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Wait, so you're Randy Randy.
Oh my God, I didn't even recognize you.
You're so different.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that's one way to put it.
I went to rehab for weight loss.
Started eating healthy. I ski and hike every day.
So, there you go, Elizabeth.
And you know who I am, of course.
Yeah, of course I do.
(EXHALES)
By the way, love the new video.
Oh, you saw that, too.
I think everyone's seen it.
It's almost as funny as your first one.
What's it been, like six, seven years?
Ten. My sister's wedding.
Okay. Well, the answer is still “no”.
Excuse me?
I'm not sellin'.
You know, this land has been in my family for generations
My grandparents' idea to put the slopes in,
so they cut down the trees themselves
with the help of the community, including your family.
Speaking' of which, have you seen yours yet?
We're not here to discuss my family.
Well, I think we are.
You know, if I sell
and you decide to make it private,
that means they can't ski here either.
Wealth comes in more forms than just money, Elizabeth.
Have you seen the smiles of these people's faces
flyin' down the mountain?
This place is perfect just the way it is.
Again, if I sell, all that's gonna change.
Well, change isn't necessarily a bad thing, Randy.
It is if it means keepin' the community out.
(SIGHS)
Okay, what if I can convince my boss
to make it semi-private, and it's a win-win?
You could still run it
and all the community could still ski here.
I mean, there's no downside.
Mm...
Randy, look, if you don't evolve,
my boss will just take it to the next town,
which means the business will all go there,
and eventually ski Alto will dry up.
So...
Right, well, okay, this boss of yours,
does he listen to you?
You can get him to agree to this?
Oh, absolutely.
I mean, I'm engaged to his son, so...
Right.
Well, might take me some time to think about it.
Okay, well, how long do you think it'll take,
‘cause I'd really love to let him know.
Might take a while.
I do all my best thinkin' up here.
So, excuse me.
(GRUNTS)
- Randy! - RANDY: Yeah!
Wait, can-- can you at least just take me down
before you do all that?
Sorry, I-- I gotta do this really quick,
But uh, you can either wait for me
or head on down through the trees
to the ski lift.
It'll take you down.
What-- really?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(♪)
Oh my God! Is that you?
Sis! Is that really you?
Hey. What?
- ELIZABETH: Yeah. Hi. - Oh my God!
- Oh. - Mm!
Ow.
Damn, it's been long!
What are-- are you working here now?
What?
Your outfit.
Oh, no. Oh, no, I've just borrowed it.
Uh, it's cold, so... Hey, Bynn, wow!
Hi!
- Look at you! - Hi.
You are so uh, sparkly.
Isn't it fantastic?
It's the unisex line Lynn has been working on.
It works for men, too, right?
It's very masculine and powerful.
Okay.
So beautiful, isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHS)
Oh my God!
And look at you two, you've grown so much!
LYNN: Yeah.
- ELIZABETH: And you, you're new. - LYNN: Yes.
- Hi. - This is your Aunt Liz!
Okay.
(LAUGHS)
So, did you come back
to watch me win the Christmas Classic again
and celebrate our decade of love?
(LAUGHS)
(KISSING)
Oh yeah.
Ten years of equality and 50/50 partnership
where we make all the decisions together.
I make all the decisions.
Of course, yeah, so great.
No, actually uh, I came to surprise you.
- Yes! - Surprise! Surprise!
- You're so cute! - Yeah.
- Come here. Oh my God. - Oh. Okay.
So, are you g-- Are you gonna stay with mom and dad then?
I-- y-- I am. Yeah, I-- I am.
That's where I was on my way to right now.
We're having plans all week with them.
So we will see you a lot.
Great.
Yay!
Great. I can't wait.
Yes, you're here!
- Yeah. - Ooh!
- Yeah. - LYNN: Love it.
I'm here. Bye!
(MUNCHES)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, okay.
Bye!
(DOOR OPENS)
Are you kidding me right now?
(DOOR CLOSES)
Really? Really?
Today, right now, this has to happen?
Oh my God, I hate this place!
Oof! Need a lift?
No. I'll be fine.
Really? You're gonna fix that tire.
I have fixed tires before.
No, no, no, I'm-- I'm sure you have.
I just meant you know, in that outfit.
Come on.
I'm headed out, I'll give you a lift home.
(SIGHS)
(DOOR OPENS)
ELIZABETH: So, how come you never left?
I did.
Really?
Yeah, I went to the New York Institute of Technology,
four years of computer science.
(CHUCKLES)
You in Manhattan?
I'm sorry, I just-- I just can't see it.
Uh, well, it's true.
I worked several years for an IT company.
Then I got a job offer from this you know,
little tech company,
but before I could accept it uh, my dad died.
So, that's why I came back to-- to run the mountain.
Right.
I'm-- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh.
I-- I didn't realize.
That's all right. I got thick skin.
I was fat for most of my life, remember?
(LAUGHS)
Well, not anymore.
RANDY: All right, so do you wanna go to your sister's house
or your parents' house first?
ELIZABETH: What? What do you mean?
(RANDY CHUCKLING)
RANDY: I'm just kiddin'.
Well, your sister and Bynn moved in there last year.
ELIZABETH: Really?
RANDY: Yep.
I'm putting my IT degree to full use
installing their light show.
Her design, of course.
Of course it is.
(CHUCKLES)
God bless her. Crazy runs in the family.
Yeah.
Gettin' kind of worried, though.
I mean, if she wins
for the tenth straight year in a row,
definitely gonna have to sell this place
and get the heck out of here.
(SCOFFS)
So you'll sell if she wins?
No, but you make a good case for the town.
You know, maybe you're right.
Maybe it's time for this place to evolve.
That's fantastic.
All right, hold on.
I'm not sayin' “yes” yet, I'm still thinkin'.
And you know, you'd have to sweeten the deal,
of course.
I mean, I'm sure I can get you more money.
Yeah, that's a start. Maybe one more thing.
Anything.
You have to beat your sister in the Christmas Classic.
Well, that's not possible.
I mean, she's won every single year.
Well, you beat her in the junior division once.
It-- that was a long, long time ago, okay?
I haven't skied in years!
It-- uh, uh, not since the accident.
RANDY: Well, you know,
you've always been a better skier than your sister.
(SIGHS)
I'm not. No, no way.
Oh, come on! Your parents would love it.
No, I can't, okay? I can't.
I don't have time. I have to leave.
All right, well,
Then enjoy telling your boss and your fiancé
that my final answer is “no”.
They seem like the kind of guys that love hearing that word.
So I'm sure that'll go over great.
(ELIZABETH SIGHING)
(DOOR OPENS)
ELIZABETH: Oh.
Oh, look at dear old daddy.
(CHUCKLES)
RANDY: Love your dad. He's so cool.
Oh, he's-- here he comes.
Oh, look at dear old daddy.
RYAN: He's the best.
ELIZABETH: Oh.
Hi. Hi.
Hey, Randy! Merry Christmas, buddy!
How's it goin', Jimmy? Good to see you, man.
Merry Christmas!
JIMMY: Oh my God!
Hi, daddy! Surprise!
JIMMY: Hey!
(LAUGHS)
Come here! Oh, what do you--
Surprise? What do you mean surprise?
This is the best surprise I could ever hope for!
What are you doing? You here for Christmas?
I-- yeah, I sure am.
Oh my God! Your mama's gonna freak out.
Great.
I'll tell you what,
let's go inside, let me get your bags.
Oh, I uh, I don't have any bags.
Oh.
Because um, the airline lost them, so...
Ugh! Oh!
ELIZABETH: But I have a pair of shoes
that I'm just gonna grab real quick.
Okay. What about you, buddy?
Let's go get one of ‘em bourbons, huh?
Oh, thanks, Jimmy, but I gotta get back to work.
Oh, come on, get an eggnog!
(LAUGHS)
Come on.
Yeah, Randy, just an eggnog, please.
I am sorry.
I know I already owe you one. I'll owe you two.
I mean, I'm-- I'm in--
Uh, yeah, why not? Sure.
(CHUCKLES)
(♪)
All right, come on in right here.
Watch your step.
(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)
Okay, buddy.
Wow! Here we're.
Yeah.
- Hoo! - Hoo!
All right.
Look at this place.
(GRUNTS)
Home sweet home.
Yeah, I think your mom's in the kitchen.
I'll go get her for you, okay?
Oh, no, that's okay, daddy. I wanna surprise her.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- Okay. She'll love it. - I'll be right back.
Okay.
Oh, wow, Jimmy,
your granddaughters are quite the artists.
Oh boy.
Well, they're a bunch of bloodthirsty psychos,
if you ask me.
Well...
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
I mean, it's all about positive
and uh, encouragement these days, you know?
Yeah.
I mean, look at this, Randy.
Is this not a pretty picture of death?
(LAUGHS)
I'd hate to stifle their creativity now,
wouldn't you?
Right.
I need a drink, brother.
Okay. Yikes.
Hi, mom.
Oh my goodness!
(GASPS)
Are my eyes deceiving me?
- No. - It's really you!
Yes.
And where is that handsome fiancé
I've been hearing so much about?
Oh, unfortunately, he couldn't make it this time.
Oh, honey, did you blow it with him, too?
No, mom, we're still engaged.
Oh.
He just-- he's working.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm glad you're here!
Oh.
This is going to be the best Christmas ever!
Oh. Yeah, it sure is.
(AKEEM AND AUNT BETSY LAUGHING IN DISTANCE)
Uh, Randy.
Yeah?
You may want to hurry up, you're gonna need this, brother.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
And uh, of course you know Betsy, right?
Yeah. Hey.
Yeah. Well, this is Akeem.
All right! Nice to meet you, Akeem.
Very nice to meet you.
(LAUGHS)
Randy, my favorite word.
Oops, okay.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Good to see you.
Akeem, this is the guy I was telling you about.
The bum!
Excuse me?
- He the bum, right? - Yeah, the ski bum.
What? People call me that?
Randy, this year's classic needs an international division.
Akeem and I want to compete.
Oh, okay.
Um, well, why would you be in the international division?
Because we got married last week
on our cruise to Saint Vincent.
(GRUNTS)
It was love at first sight. Dual citizenship.
(KISSES)
Congratulations.
(ELIZABETH LAUGHING IN DISTANCE)
Is that who I think it is?
ELIZABETH: Oh, wow.
Mm, yes.
She's just here to surprise us.
ELIZABETH: She got married again?
Yes, again.
Oh God.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Speak of the devil! Aunt Besty!
I am so glad to see you. Oh.
Oh, uh, congratulations!
Mom told me the good news.
Like they say, sixth time's a charm.
Is that what they say? Okay.
Ooh. Now there's a ring.
So you-- you really were on top of the barn,
just your boots on?
Butt naked.
But--
(LAUGHS)
Where in the effing F is she?
Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas.
My favorite time of the year.
Have you all seen this video?
JIMMY: Helen!
LYNN: Where is she? Mom!
(SIGHS)
LYNN: Mom!
Great.
This is the safest place to view the fireworks.
Okay, good to know.
LYNN: Mom, come here! You gotta see this.
Hey, girls, let's go turn on the news
and see if they say anything about Santa.
This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.
♪ Oh, bring us a figgy pudding ♪
Sing with me.
♪ We won't go until we get some ♪
♪ We won't-- ♪
Okay, I'm afraid him go end up on Dateline.
DICK ON TV: Gentlemen, we are expecting plenty of snow...
ELIZABETH ON VIDEO: ♪ Getting screwed by a mall Santa ♪
HELEN: Hey, I really like this.
No, stop, just listen.
We are in luck
because tonight we are expecting to get six inches of snow.
And I bet you'd love six inches,
wouldn't you, Linda, huh?
ELIZABETH ON VIDEO: ♪ Brand new movies and a fuck ♪
I wish.
Why-- why are you showing them?
Quiet! Here it comes, here it comes.
ELIZABETH ON VIDEO: ♪ Your daddy gave to me ♪
♪ A second STD ♪
Did you just say what I think you said?
It was a joke. It was a silly joke.
Oh, here it comes. Here it comes.
Oh, this thing, you see this thing?
My crazy sister Lynn Flynn made this crap.
Yeah, merry freakin' Christmas, sis.
Wooh!
Baby, who's feelin' the Christmas spirit?
KJ ON VIDEO: Okay, hey, alright.
What do you have to say for yourself, huh?
That is the last time I'm gonna send you
one of my handmade masterpieces.
Oh, yeah?
Well, money doesn't equate to good taste, sis.
Mommy, what does it mean to get screwed by a mall Santa?
(LAUGH TOGETHER)
Do you see what you've done?
Honey, uh, sometimes the elves are so busy
that mall Santa's have to screw the bigger presents together
and then the real Santa picks them up
and delivers them to all the good girls and boys.
Good save.
Daddy, I hope a mall Santa screws my--
Me, too!
No! Bynn!
Bynn, Bynn, Bynn, Bynn, take ‘em out.
Out, now!
Let's go.
LYNN: Get out.
BYNN: Let's go.
LYNN: Get out. You have to leave, Bynn.
(LAUGHS)
Mommy?
What?
Would six inches make you happy?
(LAUGH TOGETHER)
Really? Really?
(LAUGH TOGETHER)
Am I the only sane one here?
God! Oh!
(LAUGH TOGETHER)
I'm gonna win that Christmas Classic
‘cause somebody needs to take her down.
♪ Red flowers paintin' your backyard ♪
♪ Your long hours when you're chasing God ♪
♪ How do you know ♪
♪ When to stop ♪
Hey.
CONNOR ON PHONE: Hey, hey, babe.
Hey, what's up?
CONNOR ON PHONE: Just havin' the boys over. Wish you were here.
Have you closed the deal yet?
No, not yet.
CONNOR ON PHONE: Clock's a tickin', babe.
You know my dad wants to own the resort
by Christmas morning.
(SIGHS)
Yeah, I know, it's in seven days.
And he's gonna sell um,
but he just wants a bit more money.
CONNOR ON PHONE: Huh, for that dinky resort? No chance.
And there's one other little wrinkle.
CONNOR ON PHONE: What's that?
I have to beat my sister
in these silly competitions we have here
called “The Christmas Classic.”
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
Who's that?
CONNOR ON PHONE: Okay, hey, it's already paid for.
Somebody get it.
Sorry, babe, I gotta run.
Okay, what-- uh--
Love you.
(THUD)
(SIGHS)
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Hey, daddy.
Hey, babe.
So, uh, I guess my room is no longer my room, huh?
Oh, no.
Your Aunt Betsy's just never at home,
and she didn't see any reason to keep her apartment,
so I don't know,
we just let her throw her stuff in there.
What happened to all my clothes?
Mm, I don't know. That's a good question.
Your mother either give ‘em away or your sister bedazzled ‘em.
(BOTH LAUGH)
But the good news is
that Aunt Betsy's gonna let you use some of her clothes.
That's a good news?
JIMMY: Oh yeah.
Aunt Betsy's clothes?
JIMMY: Yeah.
Great.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I don't know, sweetie.
All I know is I'm just so thankful you're here
for Christmas.
Me, too.
Good night, sweetie.
Good night.
JIMMY: Yeah.
(♪)
(FLIPS)
(ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS)
♪ It's time to feel the music ♪
(SIGHS)
Oh.
What is this?
Oh. Oh my God.
Oh, oh.
♪ Island Christmas ♪
(SIGHS)
Are these two--
(GROANS)
Oh. Oh.
(SIGHS)
(♪)
♪ Island ♪
♪ Island Christmas ♪
(SIGHS)
Good mornin'. Brought you this.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, what's the-- hey.
What in the hell are they doing?
Apparently it's their uh, Nine Mornin' Festival.
We're on day three.
It's the way they celebrate their lead up to Christmas
in Akeem's country, Saint Vincent.
ELIZABETH: Well, do they know that it's 5:00 in the morning?
JIMMY: I think it's tradition that they celebrate
between 5:00 and 7:00 a.m. every morning,
before they go to work.
Does Aunt Betsy even have a job?
She goes on cruises.
Oh.
She's good at it.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm going back to bed, sweetie.
Oh.
(KISSES)
You should, too.
(JIMMY GRUNTING)
♪ Island Christmas, yeah ♪
♪ Island Christmas, island ♪
No. No.
(SIGHS)
♪ Island Christmas, island ♪
Oh.
(GRUNTS)
♪ Island Christmas, island ♪
♪ Feels like I just shed my skin ♪
♪ And let the cold air do me in ♪
♪ Oh, sunshine ♪
♪ Sunshine ♪
♪ Feels like I just get sad ♪
♪ Around the same time every year ♪
♪ Oh, my mind ♪
♪ My mind ♪
♪ Sunshine, come save me again ♪
♪ Oh, please ♪
Hey.
You know, I think I mentioned that we do sell ski outfits
in the ski shop.
Very funny.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm just glad it still fits and it's not bedazzled.
(RANDY CHUCKLING)
So the trainin' begins, huh?
Yep. Any pointers?
Oh, you want me to help you win,
so that I can sell the resort
that's been in my family for generation
to your billionaire boyfriend's family.
Uh, uh, fiancé,
So sorry. fiancé.
Yeah.
I don't see any problem with that.
Well, I would,
but I'm pretty busy with the Classic,
and you know, I already promised your sister and Bynn
that I'd help them with their light extravaganza.
So...
Of course. have fun.
All right.
Hey, Elizabeth! No more viral videos, huh?
I'll try!
Since this is your first time snowboarding,
you're gonna wanna take it slow.
Don't want you pullin' a Liz Bird.
What'd you say?
Oh, I told her not to pull a Liz Bird.
You know, don't do somethin' stupid
that causes a big accident.
Oh.
SNOWBOARDER: I thought everybody heard of that.
No. I mean, it's not really a thing.
Definitely a thing. You ready?
I don't think so.
♪ Sunlight, baby ♪
♪ I've been feelin' so at home ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sunlight, baby ♪
♪ I've been feelin' so at home ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Sunlight, take me ♪
♪ Never let me be alone ♪
♪ You know ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
(PANTS)
(CAR ENGINE WHIRS IN DISTANCE)
(♪)
- Here? - No.
(RATTLING)
- Here? - LYNN: No!
- What? - No!
It's uh, keep-- You're not listening!
I'm saying, “Over there.” Over there.
Around this one?
Really, Bynn? Uh, why? You used to be so good at this!
What happened?
(YELLS)
Why did I marry you?
I know why I married you.
‘Cause you're a flippin' genius
and this is gonna look flippin' fantastic.
Okay, keep going.
Yeah, to the r-- To the right more.
Right, on that limb.
(GRUNTS)
LYNN: Yeah. Yeah!
This?
Yes, there!
Ah, God, that is so much better!
It looks so much more symmetrical.
You have such a flair for design.
LYNN: That is-- I love it. I love it.
How's it going over there?
Do you think you're almost done with the electronics part?
I thought you said you were an expert on this.
I'm w-- I'm workin' on it.
Can you work faster?
Why don't you stop barking orders at everyone?
Uh, excuse me, I'm not barking. I am directing.
Okay, you just need to light a fire under their asses
or nothing gets done here.
ELIZABETH: Unbelievable.
Nothing ever changes with you, huh?
Once a bitch, always a bitch.
What? You know what your problem is?
(WHISTLES)
ELIZABETH: Oh, what?
LYNN: You're jealous of me.
(LAUGHS)
Why would I be jealous of you?
You are.
I've got the perfect husband, perfect kids,
amazing clothing company I created myself,
and guess what?
I'm about to win the Christmas Classic
for the tenth consecutive year.
Well, you're wrong about one thing.
What?
You're not gonna win your tenth.
At least not this year, because I'm competing, too.
What makes you think you can beat me?
‘Cause she's got a great coach
What?
Why would you do that?
Well, because, Lynn, to be honest, I--
I'm sick of gettin' two Christmas cards
from you every year.
You know, one of you and your beautiful family,
which I love,
and then another one of just you and all your trophies.
I'm over it.
Sorry, buddy. I love you, but I'm out.
Randy.
But, Randy, you have to finish your job.
9:00 a.m. sharp. Tomorrow morning.
You got it, coach.
Really? You're just gonna bail?
Be nicer next time.
I need you, Randy!
Randy.
(SIGHS)
Randy!
Bynn, we have to work hard.
Randy, come back!
We have to work hard. Bynn, Bynn, Bynn.
- Randy! - Let's get up the ladder.
Let's go, Bynn. Let's go.
(CAR ENGINE WHIRS IN DISTANCE)
(FLIPS)
(ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS)
♪ It's time to feel the music ♪
(SIGHS)
(♪)
♪ Island Christmas ♪
(YAWNS)
Good morning.
Hey, thank you.
All right.
(SIGHS)
♪ Island Christmas, yeah ♪
Well, I guess if you can't be in the Caribbean,
bring the Caribbean to you, right?
I guess.
(CHUCKLES)
(♪)
Morning!
Oh, wow! It's not even 8:00 a.m.
Thought I told you 9:00.
Don't remind me.
any chance I could get some practice rounds in?
Uh, not yet.
No, there's more to this competition
than just skiing.
Oh.
Here. Follow me.
Okay, wait here. I'll be right back.
Okay.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN BACKGROUND)
All dynasties must come to an end sooner or later.
There you go.
What the heck is this?
For the light show.
You gotta design how you wanna decorate your house.
I'm in real estate, okay?
I don't do the creative stuff. I can't.
Oh, where's your Christmas spirit?
Let's go.
(SIGHS)
Hey, everybody, when you're in need
of a little powder in your life--
(SNORTS)
Not that kind, head on out to Ski Alto.
It has everything you're looking for.
Great slopes, amazing views, stiff drinks,
and me, your very own Dick Mountain.
Because if you're a fan of the good life,
what else do you really need?
Where are you taking me?
Um, somewhere with a little more inspo.
DICK ON TV: Also, don't forget to come back
and check out the 20th Annual Christmas Classic this week.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(♪)
No, that's amazing.
I would-- I mean, I would, too, you know what I mean?
Yeah. Oh, excuse me.
Hey!
ELIZABETH: Hey.
I'm all finished up now,
so I can go pick up some materials.
Um, I'll come with you.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
I-- I also promised my dad I'd move some stuff around
in his store, so...
Even more reason for me to join you, right?
- I'll go. - Okay.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, yeah!
Wow, it's really grown!
You're gonna get your fiancé a Christmas present here?
What do you think?
I don't think it's his style.
Are you sure?
Don't think it'll work so much in the city,
but it's amazing.
Wow!
JIMMY: All right. Come on.
Let's get this thing right through here.
You know, you picked out the right one.
This is the one I've been doin' for a long time, yeah.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey.
It's perfect timin', huh?
Well, I brought an extra set of hands.
Oh! Thanks.
I'm just gonna help him get this out front
and I'll be right back.
Oh, let me get that for you. You guys go ahead and catch up.
- You sure? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, thank you, Randy.
Oh, and thank you. I appreciate your business, okay?
Thank you.
I hope you guys have a very merry Christmas.
- You, too. - All right.
Wow!
What?
You guys seem to be spendin' a lot of time together, huh?
He's helping me train for the games.
You sure that's what it is?
Yes, I'm sure. I'm engaged, remember?
I love Connor.
Okay. Well, Randy's a good guy, too.
and it wouldn't hurt your mom and I's feelings
to have both our girls really close.
Well, I don't think anyone can get closer than Lynn.
Oh God.
(CHUCKLES)
You got me there.
You think it's bad having one woman
telling you what to do all the time, try two.
Yeah.
And your mama wonders why I can't quit drinkin'.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Oh, and you got your mom and in a really bad position.
ELIZABETH: Why?
Who we supposed cheer for this weekend?
Well, I tell you if I win,
maybe I'll stick around a little longer.
Oh, yeah? Now you're talkin'.
You know, you really outdone yourself
with these big carvings.
JIMMY: I know, right?
It seems like that's all they want these days.
The bigger they are, the more they want.
Well, you're really talented, daddy.
Thank you, sweetheart.
(JIMMY CHUCKLING)
So sorry to interrupt.
Uh, Elizabeth was sayin' you need some help around here.
What can I do?
Yeah, well, I just finished this for a buddy of mine this weekend
and uh, I'd like to get it out front.
Oh, yeah, it's a beauty. I'm on it.
You sure?
I'm pretty strong, Jimmy. Can do it.
(CHUCKLES)
That's it. Yeah, right there.
Oh, no, no. Oh, oop, oops.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry. How do you--
Uh, we gotta turn it like this.
I figured... (OVERLAPPING SPEECH)
All the way around.
And then you just.
(♪)
Ah, beautiful up here, isn't it?
You say that to all the ladies you bring up here?
What? No! You're the first.
Uh-huh.
My ex-wife hated skiing, you know, all this.
Whoa! You were married?
Yeah, I was back in New York.
Once I decided to come around the mountain,
she refused to come, so...
I think she preferred me behind a desk
and I preferred it out here.
- I'm sorry to hear that. - Yeah.
You know, not all women are like that.
No, it was my fault. I was blind.
You know, all the signs were there.
You know, it might be better
if I just sell the resort anyway.
Why is that?
Well, so I can pursue my real passion, singing.
Yeah, maybe we could--
(ELIZABETH CHUCKLING)
Travel the karaoke circuit together.
What do you think?
Yeah. No, I think-- I think I'm done with that.
Yeah. No, I-- I hear you.
I'd rather snowboard through a blizzard naked
than sing in front of really anyone.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Naked? - Yeah, I think so.
Okay. Okay.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
All right, we got work to do. Let's do it.
Okay.
I'll race you down.
Well, hold on a second. Let me--
(CHUCKLES)
Buckle that!
(♪)
(FLIPS, ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS)
♪ It's time to feel the music ♪
(YAWNS, GRUNTS)
- Good morning. - Good mornin'.
Thanks.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
Well, operation whip Lynn's ass in the games is underway.
Hmm.
Well, you don't tell your mother.
And of course I won't tell your sister,
because I love you both the same.
But it wouldn't hurt my feelings to crown a new champion.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I love you, daddy.
I love you too, sweetie.
HELEN: Oh, that's very nice. Oh, yes.
Yes, get some sprinkles, Swynn.
Nice blood. Oh, that's so cute!
Wow! You girls are up early.
Oh, tomorrow's the big day!
The TV station will be here.
So, to help your sister,
the girls are spending the day with us.
Oh!
HELEN: We thought we'd bake some cookies
to pass out to everyone who shows up.
Well, isn't that nice?
HELEN: Mm-hmm.
Oh, oh, wow!
Uh, very creative, right?
Right, okay.
You know, girls, when your mom and I were young,
Aunt Besty would--
Aunt Betsy.
Oh, well, we called her “Aunt Besty”
because she was the best.
She would take us sledding
and she would take us playing in the snow.
How about we go sledding today? Just the four of us.
No? No takers? Okay, what's up?
You guys don't like sledding?
It's not on the list.
What list?
Is this for real?
Oh, it's for real. It's usually laminated.
8:30 to 9:45, baked cookies.
Don't forget to take pictures of girls making them.
Only allowed to eat one.
9:45 to 10:45, read books.
10:45 to 11:00, a little snack time,
but don't ruin lunch.
You know what? Screw the list.
We're going sledding! What do you say?
It's okay. Come on, girls.
Come on!
All right, I'm gonna go get dressed.
Get your shoes on!
(♪)
♪ Hey ♪
(♪)
♪ Hey ♪
(♪)
- Yeah? - Ooh, I like it!
A little Santa there.
I love Santa there.
Frosty the Snowman.
Ooh, look at my Frosty.
(LAUGHS)
LYNN: Is it now like the light show stuff?
Yeah, it's probably best we just stay here.
BYNN: Yeah?
Very nice.
- BYNN: Oh, hi. - We went sledding.
We had hot chocolate.
We got new clothes.
We had a snowball fight.
We built a snowman!
You did? Okay.
All right, let's head inside.
Let's go inside, girls.
Bye, girls!
Oh, tryin' to be best auntie, aren't you?
Well, they needed to have a little fun.
- LYNN: Really? - Yeah.
So you changed their clothes?
They wanted new clothes.
Really?
Yeah.
They don't want to be bedazzled all the time.
Where are they, ‘cause I'm taking ‘em back.
- ELIZABETH: Okay. - Okay.
Calm down. You're welcome, by the way.
By the way, thanks.
Yeah. Ugh.
Changing their clothes.
♪ Island Christmas, yeah ♪
♪ Island Christmas, oh, yeah ♪
(♪)
♪ I can't accept the loss, I'm hard-headed ♪
♪ There's a little bit of madness to my method ♪
♪ Many fallin' off that fine line ♪
♪ That I'm treadin' ♪
♪ And I'll risk anything to be great ♪
♪ And I'm not letting nobody rob me of my victory ♪
♪ Number one, that's what I'm meant to be ♪
♪ When by any means the only thing ♪
♪ That makes sense to me ♪
♪ I can make nice, I'll make history ♪
♪ I got that dog in me, yeah ♪
♪ Turn me up ♪
♪ Big energy, got the crowd going nuts ♪
♪ I got that dog in me, yeah ♪
♪ Hear me out ♪
♪ I'll take on anyone, I don't need no one ♪
♪ I got that dog in me, yeah ♪
♪ I'm talkin' all bite, no bark ♪
♪ I could rip your squad apart ♪
♪ I got that dog in me, huh ♪
♪ So what's up ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ So what's up ♪
♪ I got that dog in me, yeah ♪
♪ Turn me up ♪
♪ Big energy, got the crowd going nuts ♪
♪ I got that dog in me, yeah ♪
♪ Hear me out ♪
♪ I'll take on anyone, I don't ♪
♪ So what's up ♪
Happy holidays, merry Christmas, everybody.
I'm Dick Mountain.
Good gosh, it's cold, but I'm gettin' paid.
Hey, first event of the Christmas Classic tonight.
First out of three.
Tonight, competitors, we'll see
who has the most Christmas spirit
by lighting up the neighborhood with their decorations!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN BACKGROUND)
(♪)
Hey.
What are you doin' here?
Don't you wanna be over there with all the others?
Nah, workin' on something.
You like surprises?
Depends.
(LAUGHS)
Let's say “hello” to the first family.
They are Bynn, Lynn, Wynn, Kynn,
and Swynn!
And they are--
- The Flynns! - The Flynns!
DICK: Oh God, help me!
Wow, that really was somethin'.
Come on up here, tacky family. Come on and say “hello”.
Wow, that really was fantastic. You look great.
What do you have in store for us tonight?
A big show.
Well, we are all excited to see it.
Aren't we, people?
(CROWD CHEERING)
Yeah, let me hear that.
Let-- let me hear it one more time!
Are you excited? Great?
Hey, how about we count this in?
You wanna count this in?
Let's start with--
- Three, two, one. - Three, two, one.
DICK: And...
(CROWD CHEERING)
I mean, that is a ridiculous amount of lights.
All right. You ready for this?
For what?
You know, just put my college degree
to work.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay.
(SIGHS)
Oh, that-- that's lovely.
I mean, it's-- it's pretty.
Oh. Oh.
Just your usual Christmas setup.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Okay, just wait for it.
♪ Merry Christmas to you ♪
Oh my goodness, the eagle has landed, everybody!
Dennis, pick up sticks, we're movin'.
No!
- Let's go, people! - No, no, no, no.
DICK: Let's check it out! Come on with me!
No, no. Wait, Dick, Dick!
No, guys, no!
The-- the show is still going!
The show is here!
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
♪ Brand new movies, brand new movies ♪
Woohoo!
There she is, everybody, the mothership!
Come on!
Wow, you got the air dancers goin'!
You got lights, you got music.
We got everything, folks.
Check it out, everybody!
♪ It's stupid ♪
♪ The only thing that rocks ♪
♪ Is getting screwed by a mall Santa ♪
Ha, ha, ha.
Come on. Hey, hey!
What are they doing? What are they doing?
Oh, wow!
LYNN: Oh my God!
Mm.
Who selected the music?
(LAUGHS)
Wow!
- RYAN: What do you think? - HELEN: Oh my God!
(LAUGHS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Surprise!
Hi!
- I made it, I made it. - Oh, wow!
ELIZABETH: Lovely. Oh God.
This is great. What is all this?
Well, it's our light show.
- It is? - Yeah.
- So this is... - This is my dad.
- This is Connor. - Pleasure to meet you, yeah.
- Yeah, my pleasure. - How you doin'?
ELIZABETH: Yes.
CONNOR: Hey, nice little hometown people.
ELIZABETH: Yeah, everyone's come to see the light show.
Yeah.
I like it.
(CHUCKLES)
And there it is, folks, the end of night one!
The first event going to Elizabeth Bird!
What a surprise!
(CHEER TOGETHER)
Oh.
Come on, inside the house. Now! Come on, inside.
Inside, let's go.
Yes.
Absolutely stupendous!
We're gonna see you tomorrow, event two
of the Christmas Classic at ski alto.
I am Dick Mountain. I am signing off!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN BACKGROUND)
Oh, Bynn, you, too! Come on.
(SOBS)
(FLIPS)
(ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS)
What the hell is that?
♪ It's time to feel the music ♪
Oh, it's Akeem's Nine Morning Festival.
That's how they celebrate Christmas
in his home country of St. Vincent.
What?
Who gives a damn? We're in New Mexico.
I do.
(GRUNTS, SIGHS)
♪ Island Christmas ♪
(SIGHS)
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ Island Christmas, oh yeah ♪
(♪)
♪ Island Christmas, yeah ♪
♪ Island Christmas, oh yeah ♪
(♪)
(SIGHS)
I don't know why my dad wants to buy this place.
It's not that bad.
Are you kidding me?
I mean, there's nothin' special about it.
I sure as hell know why you left and never wanted to come back.
(SIGHS)
Once we own this place,
I don't see either one of us ever coming back here.
Actually, I was thinking of uh, asking your dad
if I could oversee the project.
When I'm in California? Absolutely not.
I mean, once you're my wife, you won't have to work.
Well, we're not married.
Yet. Soon enough, babe.
First thing you have to do is win these ridiculous events.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey!
- Hi. - Hey.
Um, this is my fiancé Connor.
This is uh, Randy. He owns Ski Alto.
Oh! Heard great things.
Thanks, man.
Yeah.
Anyway, I should go check in. Um, I'll see you in a bit.
(CHUCKLES)
(KISSING)
Really like this mountain.
Thanks.
Excited for the possibilities.
Also lookin' forward to hammering out that deal
with you after this weekend.
Huh, assuming Elizabeth wins.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm sure we can come to an arrangement,
no matter what.
If you'll excuse me,
gotta make sure we're on schedule.
Okay.
Dick Mountain back on the mountain.
Welcome back to the 20th Annual Christmas Classic.
Two events to go
after last night's light show extravaganza
and our very own Elizabeth Bird bringin' home the award,
goin' totally Griswold
on all the competition last night.
Wouldn't wanna pay that electric bill.
But, folks, this year, we're adding a new category,
men's and women's international divisions.
But today we are all about the cardboard sled derby
and, folks, this one's not for points.
So come on out, you're invited.
You're all welcome to bring that BDME,
that big Dick Mountain energy to the slopes.
Cut up those old cardboard tax boxes,
grab some board and sled with us, join the race.
All right, we'll see you out here
in the Christmas Classic.
(CHEER TOGETHER)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Wooh!
Come on, girls, you've got this!
Nobody likes losers!
You know, it doesn't matter, right?
Come on!
This event is just about having fun.
It does matter, okay? Winning is everything.
Well, no, actually having fun is more important.
(CHUCKLES)
Which everyone is having except for you.
I am having fun!
All right, come on, you got!
(CHEER TOGETHER)
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
All right, come on, girls. Round two, round two.
- Simon. - Simon, Simon.
Simon says “Dick Mountain is the best”, right?
- All right, Simon. - SKIER 1: Yeah, we love Dick!
(CHEER TOGETHER)
(YELLS)
(SCREAMS)
CROWD: Oh!
Uh-oh.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Oh my God, that was awesome.
Hey, sweetie, what's your name?
- Darla. - Darla.
Hey, I tell you-- tell you what, Darla.
Here we go.
Eight, five, five, three, three, three.
Okay.
- Just call me. - All right.
- Okay? - Okay.
Good to meet you, sweetie.
(CHEER TOGETHER)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(BOTH SCREAM)
Go, girls, go!
You got this, you got this! Focus, just focus.
Okay, just have fun, it doesn't matter.
It matters, come on!
Doesn't matter. Just have fun!
Little faster. Little faster.
Wooh!
Little faster!
You're great!
(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)
You're great!
- Yes! - Wooh!
(LAUGHS)
(SCREAMS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
- It matters. - Doesn't matter.
- Shut up! - Wooh!
Come on, now come on.
(LAUGHS)
Welcome back to the afternoon session
of the Christmas Classic, everybody,
the one sporting event in the world
where this dick and the games go hand in hand.
What a great crowd we have out here today.
Now in just a few moments, we'll be moving on
to one of my three favorite events
besides a little cocktail.
The women's sprint
where Elizabeth Bird is one win away from unseating
the nine-time champion, and her sister, Lynn Flynn.
They've been competing for their parents' love
their whole life,
but it's nothing like this first event,
ladies and gentlemen.
And there they are, our competitors at the start.
Living in the city has made you soft, little sis.
I think you should just quit now.
Huh. Never!
Come on, you're forgetting one thing.
The altitude.
You can't compete with me. I live here.
These are my stomping grounds.
Oh, yeah?
So working out inside
at that cush little country club of yours
has prepared you for all of this?
Oh, please, I have won this race so many times,
I could do it in my sleep.
What has it been for you? Ten years?
Come on, I can hear the cellulite on your thighs
crying out in fear.
Ew!
Oh. No, you know what that is?
That's the sound of sheer muscle of this young, vibrant maiden
about to beat your old ass.
So watch and learn, grandma.
DICK ON SPEAKER: This year, ladies and gentlemen,
I wanna tell you somethin'.
We have a new wrinkle.
Randy, bring out the sleds.
Yep.
- What? - Huh?
What sleds?
(GRUNTS)
What do you mean?
There you go.
What are the sleds for?
You'll find out.
DICK ON SPEAKER: For the first time in this event's illustrious history,
our competitors will be pulling their significant others.
Oh my God.
All right, Bynn. Come on.
DICK ON SPEAKER: Look at that all American uniform.
Connor, get over here.
Absolutely not.
Oh!
ELIZABETH: Are you--
- Uh, Randy. - Yeah.
- ELIZABETH: Will you... - Seriously?
Yeah.
Okay, I'm not gonna be much help.
(CHEER TOGETHER)
(♪)
DICK ON SPEAKER: And it's a good start!
Oh, and Rudolph Elizabeth Bird tugging and pulling.
She's got a good full length on her sister.
Lynn does not wanna lose this event
because she will lose the whole Christmas Classic.
The famous flopping around.
And let me tell you,
you gotta take a pill for that
if you want them to straighten out, huh.
This could be the other Ride of the Century!
(CHEER TOGETHER)
DICK ON SPEAKER: Look at the look on Lynn's face.
That is Santa.
She wants to get down that chimney
and deliver the victory for the crowd there.
They're all cheering at me. Hi, folks.
Look at them crawling on the floor
like women at a Black Friday sale.
Who's gonna win? It looks like it could be--
Oh, it's Lynn reaching for the finish!
Nine-time defending champion Lynn Flynn!
Yes. Yes.
No!
DICK ON SPEAKER: Clutching victory from the jaws of defeat.
She wins this
and this pushes the games into a tie
with her sister Elizabeth
going into tomorrow's final event.
(FLIPS)
(ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS)
♪ It's time to feel the music ♪
Jesus Christ, not again.
How in the hell this place not have a hotel?
Oh my God.
Lizzie.
Hey.
Is everything okay?
Why'e you really doin' this?
Because it's fun,
and I wanna support Akeem and his traditions.
(CHUCKLES)
Not that.
The Classic, and coming here for Christmas,
and all that other stuff.
Because I love you guys
and I've missed you.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
I just don't wanna wait that long
before I see you again, that's all, baby.
(SIGHS)
You ready for this?
- Yeah. - Let's do it.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES)
♪ Island Christmas, oh yeah ♪
(♪)
♪ Island Christmas, oh yeah ♪
DICK: Welcome back to the final day of the Christmas Classic.
So it all comes down to this!
This one is called “Flipping the Bird”,
of course made famous by Elizabeth Bird.
I was there. I felt it. We're okay.
Each competitor will be wearing wedding attire.
They'll ski down the hill and attempt to knock down
as many of the birds as possible with their bodies.
Now each bird is worth one point.
Now whoever knocks down the most, wins.
Let the flipping begin.
Hey, guys.
I noticed that you missed the first two events.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
I'm sorry, but we were busy.
(KISSING)
Very, very busy, Randy. You understand.
Yeah, I-- I understand.
Well, you gotta compete in the finals
if you wanna you know, win the international division.
So...
Okay, I'll go strap on my skis.
I will also strap up.
(AUNT BETSY CHUCKLING)
Oh.
(CHUCKLES)
Now here's a fun bit of trivia here.
Betsy and I used to work together
at the TV station,
and we had an inappropriate work relationship,
and it turned into a toxic marriage.
Oh.
Oh, baby, wish me luck.
I wish you plenty of luck.
AUNT BETSY: Yeah.
AKEEM: (INDISTINCT SPEECH)
AUNT BETSY: (OVERLAPPING SPEECH) ...this year.
Kiss for luck.
(AUNT BETSY AND AKEEM KISSING)
- Baby, I love you. - Yes, oh, I know.
Mm, one more.
(KISSING)
Kiss for luck.
Show them. Win it!
(CROWD CHEERING)
DICK ON SPEAKER: There she goes downhill, kind of like our relationship.
Seems happy with Akeem
and seems like she's headed towards a really good run here.
Let's check out her fall line.
(CHUCKLES, BLOWS A KISS)
DICK ON SPEAKER: Yep, it looks like she's coming straight down the mountain
and here we go, boom!
Well done.
AUNT BETSY: Oh, love you!
Oh, international division, yeah!
(CHEERS, LAUGH)
Not the best showing here of the game for Betsy Williams,
I mean, Baptiste.
Dry mountain again,
but her score will be enough for her to win
the international women's division.
Here we go, folks.
The final and only competitor of the men's international division
is now on the slope.
Okay. Oh, oh, oh.
(YELLS)
Uh, you know what? Let's try something new.
Huh? Come on.
International, we have to improvise!
DICK ON SPEAKER: Okay, this is something new.
I guess the rules don't really state that.
You actually need to ski down the slopes.
This could be a while.
Hey, great time to cut to commercial.
It's okay.
Hey, folks, if you're lookin' to get married,
I wanna introduce you to one of my favorite places
here in Ruidoso,
It's Maria's la Casita de Casamiento,
That's Maria's House of Marriage and Mexican Food.
Whether you're looking to eat a gordita or marry one,
come on down,
‘cause we've got great Mexican food
and great dresses for the ladies.
Come on down to Maria's House of Marriage and Mexican Food.
Delicioso.
DICK ON SPEAKER: And we're back to the action.
Hey!
(LAUGH TOGETHER)
That's a one!
DICK ON SPEAKER: So our new international men's champion
Akeem's, full name, Baptiste!
Oh, baby, we won it!
International trophy! international trophy!
Okay.
There's no international trophy,
but congratulations.
I'll take that. Thanks.
- Aw! - Aw!
(BOTH LAUGH)
(LAUGH TOGETHER)
DICK ON TV: We'll be back with the women's final
after this commercial break.
I'm celebrity Dick Mountain
and when you're lookin' for some good hardwood...
CONNOR: Dad, you were right about this place.
It's right for a facelift.
Everything's goin' to plan.
They got a restaurant, they got a bar.
Just one more event.
So come on down to Bird's Bear Carving because...
Don't worry.
If Liz can't close the deal, I know exactly what to do.
...hardwood. Right, Jimmy?
DICK ON TV: The final event you've all been waiting for.
Lynn Flynn and Elizabeth Bird, please,
head to the starting gate.
Hey, I gotta go.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Hey, coach,
any last-minute words of encouragement?
(SIGHS)
No, good luck out there.
What's wrong?
Nothin'.
That wasn't very convincing.
Look, I don't want things to be awkward between us.
What do you want?
What do you mean?
I mean, what do you really want, Elizabeth?
Randy, I'm engaged.
That doesn't really answer my question.
Well, what do you want me to say?
I-- I--
You're just gonna be another thing that he owns.
You better get up there.
(♪)
Hey.
I just wanna say “good luck out there today.”
Save it.
I don't need your little “take the high road” speech.
What are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
Why do you think you're better than me?
What?
You know, I could ask you the same question.
You're the one who left and never came back.
Okay, you think you're better than this place,
better than all of us.
That is not true.
You haven't been home in ten years!
You barely ever call.
You're a stranger to us.
And you're about to leave us again.
Why would I try to make this work?
(SIGHS)
Okay, come on, come on. You got this, you got this.
(SIGHS)
Good luck.
(CROWD CHEERING)
LYNN: All right.
(EXHALES)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(EXHALES)
(♪)
DICK ON SPEAKER: And here she is, folks, our very own Lynn Flynn,
taking off down the mountain,
seeking her tenth title in a row!
God help us all, that woman loves to brag,
but we do love this Christmas Classic
and it's gonna be a great finish
as she is heading down the mountain.
The crowd in anticipation.
Her husband excited, of course.
And here she comes.
She's just a few feet away and there is her one,
two, three, four, fi-- fi--
Wait a minute.
I think five, but I'm not sure, I saw four.
One is teetering.
Could be, might be, the judge says...
That's a five for Lynn Flynn.
DICK ON SPEAKER: It's a five for Lynn Flynn! Great score!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Five, ugh!
(♪)
Best surprise I could ever hope for!
KYNN (VO): We had hot chocolate.
WYNN (VO): We got new clothes.
KYNN (VO): We had a snowball fight.
SWYNN (VO): We built a snowman!
Ah, I love you, come here.
Wow, this is so fun!
This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
(CROWD CHEERING)
DICK ON SPEAKER: And this is it, folks.
Last competitor of the day, Sister Elizabeth.
Can she unseat her sister?
The crowd seems to want her to, and Papa Jimmy certainly does.
Look at him going crazy.
Here she comes, Elizabeth Bird.
(CHEER TOGETHER)
DICK ON SPEAKER: You can feel the tension, folks.
She needs to get more than four.
Here she comes!
What do you really want, Elizabeth?
DICK ON SPEAKER: And, you-- whoa!
Uh-oh.
That is a five-- four!
That's a four!
(CHEER TOGETHER)
For Elizabeth Bird.
LYNN: Yes!
- RANDY: Which means... - Yes! Yes! Oh, yes!
The winner of the 20th Annual Christmas Classic
is Lynn Flynn.
- Yeah! - Again.
- LYNN: Thank you! - RANDY: Yeah.
LYNN: Thank you! That's ten!
Tenth Ski Alto! I did it!
All right, that wraps up another exciting year
of the Christmas Classic!
Boy, what a competition it was.
The sisters really went at it. We had a great ending.
Hey, from your favorite Dick, I'm signing off from Ski Alto,
and we'll see you all down at Win, Place and Show tonight.
Good night. See you at the bar.
LYNN: Yes!
Come on, guys.
Ten-peat! Ten-peat! Ten-peat!
Come on! Yes!
(LYNN CHUCKLING)
LYNN: So cool!
This is a big deal for me.
I want you to be happy, Okay?
Ten-peat.
Yeah, look at that pretty trophy.
All right, I wanna get a photo. Come on.
Come on, let's get a photo.
This is so pretty, and it's all mine!
Ooh, oh!
Shut up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up!
I cannot take you talking to me like that anymore,
or the girls, or your parents.
You do it to everyone.
You're a bully.
What?
Oh my God, your need for control
has turned you into this giant fire-breathing dragon bitch,
and now nobody wants to be anywhere near you.
Your pathological bedazzling is a teenage Band-Aid
on your fear of not being the prom queen anymore.
Your daughters don't like wearing that crap.
Why do you think they're so obsessed
with goth and horror?
Because their mother is constantly up their ass
about having the perfect smile and the perfect hair.
Everything has to be perfect with you!
And what is this obsession with winning everything
every year?
Oh my God, you wouldn't even let me enter the games,
or let our daughters join in the junior division
because you're afraid someone's gonna steal your spotlight.
Come on. Grow up.
Give someone else a chance.
One last thing.
I don't wanna celebrate our anniversary
on Christmas anymore.
Why?
The only reason you were so adamant
that we do that
was because you have this savior complex
that I don't think you even know about.
You're even competitive with Jesus.
You can't even let the Son of God
have his own day!
Let's go, girls.
Bynn.
Hey, thanks
for freezin' your genitals off out there, you guys.
It's still little people that makes this all possible,
all right?
- SKIER 2: To Dick. - Hey, to Dick, indeed.
May you all get some this season.
(CHEERS)
(LAUGHS)
Oh, man.
You know what this means now, right?
Now I've gotta call my dad and ask for more money.
He's gonna know you failed,
and he's probably gonna get you fired.
Do you understand how that's gonna reflect on me?
(SIGHS)
I can't believe you put me in this position.
ELIZABETH: You know what, Connor?
Let me make it a bit simpler for you,
and maybe your daddy will go easy on you.
I quit.
You what? You can't quit.
If you quit, we can't--
We can't what? Can't get married?
Well, guess what?
I don't wanna do that either!
I don't wanna be married to some coward
who can't even stand up to his own father,
or put his fiancée before his own career!
It's over.
Okay, that's how it's gonna be?
You all thought
your sweet little Lizzie came home
to see you guys for Christmas.
Well, guess what?
She wasn't even gonna stop to say “hello”.
This whole thing was a big accident.
She came here to buy Ski Alto for my dad
to turn this whole place into a mega resort.
She hates you. She hates this whole place.
Oh, Lizzie, that isn't true, is it?
Mom, listen--
(CHUCKLES)
She bought a round-trip ticket for the same day.
All she does is complain about you guys.
And if that dumbass Randy would have said “yes”,
you guys would have never seen her in town.
I'm done with this.
I hope you have a nice, pathetic life.
Did you know anything about this?
What? No, I didn't know about this.
Oh.
You were going to help them turn this into a private resort?
No, no, no.
It's more complicated than that.
So none of us can ever ski here again?
Elizabeth, you are better than this!
Look, I am--
I am so, so sorry, okay?
What Connor said was true.
I came out here to get Randy to sell this place to my boss
and we were gonna turn it into a private five-star resort.
After being here this past week you know,
and watching my mom bake cookies and put her family first,
and my sweet dad who's so gentle
and non-judgmental with his advice,
and Akeem learning about your tradition and watching Betsy,
and how in love she is with you,
and my sister who cares so much,
maybe too much, but so much.
You know, I-- I ran away from this place
to find some sort of better life and--
And-- and-- and make a better me.
But after being here with all of you guys, I just--
(SIGHS)
I've never been more myself ever than right now.
And I realize that I've never been in love until now.
♪ I'll put my life in a bottle ♪
♪ Something to guide your way ♪
♪ Even if you're too scared to follow ♪
I actually believe you did the right thing.
What do you mean? Everybody hates me.
They don't nobody hate you.
If you'd won,
then they had a reason to hate you,
but deep down inside, I think you knew that.
That's why you pulled up on that last event
and lost on purpose.
How did you know?
I'm your daddy.
Why don't you just stick around?
Oh, daddy, I-- I don't know.
I mean, besides family,
there's just nothing here for me.
There's Randy.
Oh, I wish that were true.
I think I blew it with him, too.
I don't think so.
I think Randy's fine. He just needs a little time.
Well, I don't have that luxury.
You know, I gotta get back to my life in San Francisco.
Your life with Connor.
Your future at Harris Financial.
(SIGHS)
Come on, baby. Let's just get go home.
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
(GRUNTS)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh! Okay.
(♪)
RANDY: ♪ Crashing through the snow ♪
♪ On a janky-ass cardboard sleigh ♪
♪ I know you could have won that race ♪
♪ I think you wanna stay ♪
(CHUCKLES)
♪ I used to think you were a bitch ♪
♪ But now I see the light ♪
♪ Your fiancé is a prick ♪
♪ Will you please be mine tonight ♪
♪ Your fiancé sucks, your fiancé sucks ♪
♪ Your fiancé really sucks ♪
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh my God.
I thought you'd rather be caught naked in a blizzard
snowboarding
before you sang in front of anyone.
Yeah, well, you inspire me to do a lot of things
I've never done before, so...
I hope that's a good thing.
Very, very good.
(KISSING)
Oh!
(LAUGHS)
Sorry about that. Oh!
Hey.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, yeah.
♪ Island Christmas, yeah ♪
♪ Island Christmas, oh yeah ♪
♪ Island Christmas, yeah ♪
♪ Island Christmas, oh yeah ♪
Merry Christmas.
Best Christmas ever.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES)
- Hmm. - Come on.
Okay.
♪ Island Christmas, yeah ♪
♪ Island Christmas, oh yeah ♪
♪ Island Christmas, yeah ♪
♪ Island Christmas, oh yeah ♪
(♪)
RANDY: So, Dick and Aunt Betsy, you guys just got married.
How do you feel?
Wonderful.
- I can't get enough. - Yeah.
Baby, I just can't get--
(KISSING)
Oh, this woman.
RANDY: Jimmy, Helen, how y'all you doing?
Oh, right, okay.
Oh, we're so happy for our daughter.
She's so beautiful.
She's gonna be a beautiful bride.
RANDY: Oh, here they come. Here they come.
Oh. Oh, yes.
(LAUGHS)
Look at ‘em.
Uh, well, maybe you're right, okay?
(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)
All right. Okay, that's it, there you go.
(CHEERS)
RANDY: All right, wedding of the century.
How do you guys feel?
Best day of my life.
I can't wait to marry this guy.
JIMMY: Hey, baby.
Why don't you come over and get a picture with us
for the last time as a Bird?
Okay, daddy. Ah!
(BOTH LAUGH)
(SIGHS)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
RANDY: All right. How does that feel?
I'm the happiest man alive. She's magic.
ELIZABETH: I love you, sis! Yeah.
- Nothing better. - RANDY: All right.
She lights up my whole universe.
ELIZABETH: My sister's getting married!
RANDY: You ready to run?
Absolutely not. She's everything to me.
ELIZABETH: Watch out!
(ELIZABETH SCREAMING)
(YELL, GROAN TOGETHER)
(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION)
What was that? Oh!
(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION)
I might need another drink!
Uh-oh. You guys okay?
(♪)
♪ Feels like I just shed my skin ♪
♪ And let the cold air do me in ♪
♪ Oh, sunshine ♪
♪ Sunshine ♪
♪ Feels like I just get sad ♪
♪ Around the same time every year ♪
♪ Oh, my mind ♪
♪ My mind ♪
♪ Sunshine, come save me again ♪
♪ Oh, please ♪
♪ Sunshine just for me ♪
♪ Never let it come to be ♪
♪ Sunlight take me ♪
♪ Never let me be alone ♪
♪ Sunlight, baby ♪
♪ I've been feelin' so at home ♪
♪ Seems it's getting warmer ♪
♪ And my mind is getting clear ♪
♪ Oh, my mind ♪
♪ My mind ♪
♪ Sunshine has come ♪
♪ To save me again ♪
♪ Sunshine just for me ♪
♪ Thanks for bein' my friend ♪
♪ Sunlight, baby ♪
♪ I've been feelin' so at home ♪
♪ Sunlight take me ♪
♪ Never let me be alone ♪
♪ When it rains ♪
♪ Or it pours ♪
♪ Makes me blue ♪
♪ Like the dress you wore ♪
♪ Ain't it strange ♪
♪ That when it's warm ♪
♪ You fade away ♪
♪ And I get born ♪
♪ Island Christmas, yeah ♪
♪ Island Christmas, oh yeah ♪
Yeah! The swing, the swing.
♪ Island Christmas, yeah ♪
♪ Island Christmas, oh yeah ♪
Hey, why you callin' me on Christmas?
(CHUCKLES)
Well, what do you mean we're not divorced?
Why didn't you sign the papers?
No!
No, no, I'm not giving you half of the resort
in the settlement.
No, absolutely--
Okay, you know what? Here's my offer.
You beat me in the Summer Classic
and half the resort is yours.