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Terrific.
["Ain't That Love" by Ray Charles playing]
♪ Now, baby, when you sigh I wanna sigh with you ♪
♪ When you cry I wanna cry some too ♪
♪ Now, ain't that love ♪
♪ Oh, bring that love ♪
♪ That I feel in my heart with you ♪
♪ When your friends Turn their back on you ♪
♪ I'll be here just to see you through ♪
♪ Ain't that love, baby That I feel in my heart for you ♪
♪ Oh, play it, son ♪
["Ain't That Love" continues playing]
♪ Now, ain't that love ♪
♪ Ain't that love ♪
♪ Come on, now Ain't that love, now ♪
♪ Ain't that love, baby That I feel in my heart for you ♪
[wedding march playing on piano]
♪ Here comes the bride ♪
♪ All dressed in-- ♪ Stair!
♪ White ♪
♪ Follow the sound of my voice Right here ♪
♪ Stop right there! ♪
Okay, open your eyes.
[gasps]
It's a 3D seating chart.
- Built to scale, naturally. - Wow!
Each action figure corresponds to the personality
and/or appearance of our guest.
- Babe, this is incredible! - You like it?
- Yeah, I like it. I love it. - Mmm.
Aw!
Ooh!
Who's He-Man?
What do you mean, "Who's He-Man?"
Oh!
Look at his butt cheeks, then look at mine.
- Tell me it's not the same. - Mmm-hmm. Yep, I see it now.
All right! So what do we think? Bride gets final say.
- [woman] Those are your parents, right? - Mmm-hmm.
Do you think we could add two more to that table?
My parents just emailed that they're coming.
- Are you kidding? What? - Yeah.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Parker.
Yes! Oh, I get to meet your parents, finally!
- Whoo-hoo! - [laughing]
- [grunting] - [Parker] Oh, okay.
I'm gonna marry this guy.
Oh, gosh, that is-- Oh, you have to be so psyched.
Are you psyched? You're not psyched. Are you psyched at all?
- Is there any psyched happening? - Yeah. Yeah, no, I...
It's... It's totally great. I just...
I've told you. They can be...
They can be a lot.
Okay, have you met my parents?
I only picked Skeletor and Medusa
because they don't make Stalin and Lizzie Borden dolls.
Yeah, I'd probably regret it one day if my parents didn't come to my wedding.
Yes, you would. We're gonna get through this.
'Cause there is nothing He-Man and the pink Power Ranger
can't handle together.
Unless Hordak shows up at the wedding.
Is that a deep cut He-Man reference?
Yeah-ha!
Oh, I love you.
Oh, I love you too.
- ["Yup!" by Yung Gravy playing] - ♪ Gravy gettin' buck ♪
♪ Every time I get up in it ♪
♪ Always pull up With a plethora of women... ♪
[Owen's mother on speakerphone] Your Aunt Linda, she's allergic to nickel.
Does the silverware have nickel?
I don't know, Mom.
Cheap silverware has nickel. Nickel-plated, okay?
You're not gonna skimp on the silverware?
I'll make sure we have high-quality, nickel-free silverware.
- Okay? - Good.
But that's not why I called. I've got good news.
Parker's parents can come to the wedding.
[air whistling]
Hello?
Guys, I know you're there, I can hear Dad's nose whistle.
I'm sorry, what kinda parents skip their own daughter's wedding?
They're not skipping it! That's the thing, they're not!
Oh, please.
I'm sorry, they were living with the Yanomami tribe in the Amazon.
It's not exactly easy for them to travel.
No wonder Parker became a stripper.
She's not a stripper! I've told you a million times!
She runs a yoga studio! A very successful one!
Oh, I didn't know that.
Yes, you knew that! I invited you to a class.
You expect your mother to get on a pole?
- There's no pole! It's a yoga studio! - I'll bet business is booming.
It is booming. Not in the way I think you're inferring.
- I'm just saying. - Please.
Please, can we just not make it weird? Just this one time?
- [parents] Weird? - We're not weird! You're weird!
Your father and I have been talking about it recently.
You've become weird, Owen.
It's true!
[Owen's mother] And you never behaved like that before you met this stripper!
- ["Yup!" continues playing] - [sighing]
♪ Light the blunts up When I walk in the building ♪
♪ Gravy gettin' buck Every time I get up in it ♪
♪ Always pull up With a plethora of women ♪
♪ I be like "Yup, ooh, that's how I be living" ♪
♪ Mama say, "What's up?" She trying to get it ♪
- Boop. - [song fading]
Let me get this straight. You haven't met this woman's parents yet?
No. It's not that weird.
They've been off the grid the whole time we've been together.
That's so fucking weird, man.
Owen, I don't wanna hurt your feelings,
but when you first told us about Parker, we thought you were makin' her up.
That does hurt my feelings.
But it shouldn't hurt your feelings, because I've never seen you with nobody,
so I'm like, "This can't be a real woman. Maybe it's a mannequin or a sex doll."
But guess what? She was real.
When I saw her, I was like, "Girl, you alive!"
This motherfucker made this fairy tale come true.
Because I didn't believe shit you said at first.
This couldn't be hurting my feelings any more.
What we're saying is, is that whatever spell or potion you used
to trick that woman into liking you isn't gonna work on her parents.
- Oh, you're worried about me with parents? - [tube dinging]
The only people that love me more than parents? Grandparents.
You sit me next to a grandma at dinner, watch the sparks fly.
Oh, this is the diaper! She did it again!
- Hey! Hey! Just-- - [baby crying]
Uh, why am I even doing this? This isn't my job. This is Gary's job.
Guys, where's Gary?
All right, no more "accidentally" locking Gary in the vault. I'm serious.
It's this new security system you designed.
- Shit is mad complicated. - It should be. It's a vault.
It's state-of-the-art. No one's getting in this bad boy.
Oh! Is this the same one Phoebe King has?
- Essentially. - [woman] Who is Phoebe King?
Phoebe King manages Atlas Reserve, the top bank in the state.
Not a top bank. Mmm-mmm.
There's not, like, an official ranking or anything.
100% is, they wrote a whole article. Yeah, that's the top bank in the state.
It's a good bank, decent bank. Clean.
Last conference, Owen got called out by Phoebe King,
by her saying that a Butterball turkey could break into our vault.
I don't exactly remember it like that.
And she called you a dickless troll.
- Oh! - Damn!
Now, I tried not to laugh,
but I couldn't help it 'cause it was fucking hysterical.
- Imagining you without a dick. - Ooh!
Just nothing but a smooth surface, no genitalia at all.
Dickless troll, that's borderline unprofessional.
Fucking hilarious.
And you know what? I'd love to see a Butterball turkey break into this.
♪ She left me roses by the stairs ♪
[monitor chiming]
Hey, Gary.
You're lucky I had mints in my pocket. I could have starved in here.
For probably the 50th time,
there's an emergency escape latch on the inside of the door.
Every vault has one.
And like I keep telling you...
[yelling] I can't find it!
[man whispers] God damn, Gary.
[Owen's mother] So, um, Parker,
um, I understand that your parents are doing the right thing
and coming to your wedding.
Isn't that nice? It's very nice!
- [Owen] Yes, it is! Thanks, Mom. - [Parker] Yeah. Super nice.
[whispers] She hasn't seen her parents for a very long time.
I know. I know.
- How come they're not showing up? - They live in a cave in the jungle.
- Like Bin Laden? - A little like Bin Laden, right.
- [Owen] Um, that's... That's not it. - It's okay, I got it.
- Can I see your tattoos again? - Oh, um, not right now.
Your Aunt Margie isn't the biggest fan, so, shh.
She said you got them so you could get bigger tips when you strip.
- Uh, once again, I'm not a stripper. - My boyfriend's gonna get a tattoo.
- [Parker] Oh, yeah? Of what? - My name across his lower back.
- [exclaims] - Hey, cuz!
Jesus! Hi, buddy. Well, don't...
How come I wasn't invited to the, uh, bachelor party?
- You know I'm, like, an EMT now, right? - [mutters] I do know that, yeah.
Yeah, well, I'd love to give you a ride in the ambulance.
- You know, hit the siren, zip around town. - [Owen's father] That's fun.
Yeah, maybe, uh, flatline you in the back, go to the other side.
Ask Grandpa Seymour what it was like dying by, you know...
[imitates choking and grunting]
[Owen's father] Okay, stop it. All right.
- [Owen] Why is he doing that? - [Owen's father] That was a rumor. Stop.
No, man. She walked in on it. She was so sad when she found him.
Guy's a legend, died beating off.
- [Owen's mother gasps] - [phone ringing]
I'm getting a phone call. Lucky for me. I didn't even plan this.
This just happened coincidentally. Hey, storage space!
Ah, thanks for returning my call!
- This is Owen Browning again. - What the fuck do you want?
Well, I'm getting married in a week,
so I'm putting together a little photo montage.
But here's the thing, I don't have any photos of my fiancée's family.
And rumor has it that they actually have a unit in your storage facility.
Um, it should be under the name McDermott.
- [sinister note plays] - Do... Do you have the locker?
- [Owen's mother] Oh, my God! - [Owen's father] I'm on fire!
- [man] EMT! - Oh, shit.
- [all clamoring] - [man] Soy sauce!
Mom! That's not water!
- [fire whooshing] - [all screaming]
[line ringing]
Yeah. You told me to call if anyone asked about the McDermott locker.
[woman] McDermott locker?
Yes.
Do you have a name?
Owen Browning.
These diamonds are shit.
[sinister music playing]
[exhales softly]
What is it?
It's silly. I thought that...
[laughs] I thought that button was a trap door to a shark tank or something.
[laughs] Trap door? No!
I just wanted someone to come clean up this mess.
- What mess? - You.
[softly] "Shark tank."
Call the aquarium!
Does your dad always keep an extra shirt in the trunk of his car?
[Owen] Ha! Yeah, well...
It's not the first time he caught on fire in a restaurant.
And then how about when your niece asked me
if my neck flaps in the wind when I ride a bicycle?
Thank you for not being offended.
They are truly disturbed people.
Ugh, God. Now, you're gonna have to meet my family.
- Are you worried they won't like me? - No, not at all. Are you?
No! Mmm-mmm.
Not liking you is like not liking Mr. Rogers.
The Notorious F-R-E...
D.
- When do they come into town? - Not until the night before the wedding.
Oh! That gives me just enough time.
Oh, yeah? Time for what?
[muffled] I've got something special planned.
Oh! Is that right?
- Love it. - [sensual music playing]
[Parker giggles]
- [growls] - Oh! Oh, you scared me.
Okay, yeah, yeah. Do that thing you like to do.
- [Parker] Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
[moaning]
- ["Get Some" by Outasight playing] - ♪ Get some, get some ♪
♪ Get up and have fun We lookin' so fly ♪
♪ Everybody get down to get some... ♪
Wow! Somebody balled out at Michaels crafts.
Just makin' some prezzies for Parker's parents.
If you do me a favor, could you not say the word "prezzies"?
Know what I mean? Just own it, brother. You do arts and crafts.
You're a craft man.
I think it's sexy as hell when a man is passionate about something.
- Thank you, Marisol. - Just not this pussy shit.
[Gary laughing hysterically]
Man, shut the fuck up, Gary. God damn.
[Parker on phone] Thanks for going to the store. I was dreading that.
[Owen] No problemo.
Hey, I got that tofu you like. I know my girl likes her tofu extra firm.
[Parker laughing] Yeah. I like my tofu like I like my men.
Real hard.
Oh, okay.
All this talk is making me think that we might be boinkin' tonight.
[Parker] Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna twist you like one of your Go-Gurts and slurp you dry.
Oh! Oh...
Uh, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, I'm willing to try anything.
- I guess I'll start stretching. - [Parker] Okay, babe, love you!
I love you too! Oop.
Okay!
♪ Oh, sweet Parker ♪
♪ The time has come ♪
♪ We'll be boinkin' till the morning sun ♪
♪ I swear ♪
♪ I care ♪
♪ Pickle chips ♪
♪ Ritz Stackables ♪
♪ 'Cause tonight we're going to bone-- ♪
Hi, Owen.
- [shrieks] - No, you don't!
- [man] Oh, shit! Well done. - [woman] Oh, shit.
- Oh, I'm so sorry, honey. - You all right there, Owen?
She took a self-defense class. Looks like money well spent.
Please don't kill me.
- Let's get this little shit up. Come on. - Yeah, let's get him. Come on, get up.
There you go. We're not gonna kill you. We're Parker's parents.
Mmm-hmm.
- [laughing] Oh! Okay. - [man] Yeah.
Okay, yeah!
Well, Mr. and Mrs. McDermott, it is an honor to--
Oh! Come here! Come here!
[cackling]
Let's forget the formalities, shall we? "Mr. McDermott," all that crap.
- Yeah. - Call me Billy.
Okay, Billy.
[laughing nervously]
Oh, well, you must be Parker's dad because you two kiss exactly the same.
[all laughing]
- I'm Lilly. - Hey, Lilly.
- Yeah, thanks, that's good. - Okay, yeah.
- [Parker] Mom? - [Billy] Oh, look who's here!
- [Lilly] Aw, baby! Oh, my God! - Dad? What?
[both exclaiming]
[Parker] You're here! What are you doing here?
Yeah, the flight was early, and, uh... Actually, you were singing.
I heard you singing a little ditty about boinking our daughter.
- [Parker] Really? - [both agreeing]
Uh, just a little ditty that I was doing in private.
Didn't know it was, uh, in front of my future in-laws.
- How'd... How'd you guys get in? - The door was unlocked.
That is weird, 'cause I never forget to lock the front door.
Are you calling my wife a liar? Huh?
[yelling] You calling my wife a liar? Is that it?
I just walk in here and now you're accusing her?
You want me to hit your face--
Ha-ha-ha!
[all laughing]
[wincing] You were joking! It's a joke!
It's a joke! It's a joke! Okay!
So, how do you like your prezzies?
I'm wearing it, aren't I?
Well, should we tell them our story? We have a really cute meet-cute.
It's, uh, you're gonna love this story.
There's one thing you need to know about me, my family has hip issues.
And, obviously, wanted to get ahead of it.
Went to the doctor. She said, "Have you tried yoga?"
- [Billy chuckles] - [Owen] Got a coupon.
Went to my first yoga class...
- It was my class. - [laughing]
I was teaching the class! I mean, what are the odds?
- Crazy! - Right?
[chuckles] That's amazing.
So then I noticed that halfway through the class, Owen's in child's pose.
Yep. Okay, so get this.
Okay, I'm in child's pose.
And while I'm in child's pose, I pass out, but no one notices. Look.
[laughing] Look.
If I was unconscious right now, you couldn't even tell.
- [Parker] Right? - [Billy] Oh, yeah.
So then everyone leaves, class is over,
and I notice that Owen's still in child's pose.
And I think to myself,
"Oh, fuck. This guy just died. He's dead. He's a goner."
- Mmm-mmm. But I didn't. - [Parker] Nope.
Then, when Parker unfolded me, and I came to,
I looked up at her big, beautiful smile, and I realized...
"This is the woman I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with."
- And you were right. - Yes, I was.
Aww.
- And then you asked her out. - No, actually.
I went to her class for a year and a half and she finally asked me out.
[big band music playing]
♪ Honey dew, honey dew, honey dew ♪
[scoffs] I can't find anyone to cover my class,
so I'm just gonna have to cancel.
- [Owen] Mmm-mmm. - Make sure my parents are okay.
I'm not gonna let you get in trouble at work.
I have 178 sick days already saved up. I already called in.
- It's not about-- No-- Actually, babe-- - I got you, don't worry about it!
- Don't worry, I got it! Oh, hey! - [Lilly] Aw!
- Good morning, future family. - [Parker] Hi!
- Good morning! Morning, Dad. - [Billy] Nice to see you. Good morning.
So I have to go into work today, but Owen is taking his first day off
since he started at the bank, he's gonna show you guys around.
- Right, babe? - [Owen] Exciting!
- [hooting wildly] - [laughing]
I don't like my tushy touched, and she finds it hilarious.
- I do! - It scares me... something about it.
- All right, well, I'll see you tonight. - Okay. Bye.
- You two, behave. All right? Be nice. - [Billy] Bye, bye, darling.
- [Parker] It means a lot to him. Be good. - Love you. We'll be good.
- [Owen] Bye! Love you! - Bye!
Okay! Oh! You want some OJ? Good. Good, good, good.
[Billy] I do.
So, hope you guys are hungry,
because I've got...
baked eggs Florentine.
We have some roasted-- [hooting wildly]
[laughing] Got in there deep.
Okay, uh... Well, enough about breakfast.
I hope you're ready to have some fun because I got us tickets
to a South American pottery exhibition.
Why?
Because you guys were living with the Yanomami tribe in the Amazon...
Oh! Oh, yeah.
...who obviously are known for their exquisite pottery.
We spent so many years with that tribe that we're all potteried out.
All right, well, let's go to the next step of our adventure.
The Holocaust Museum!
Honestly, I've been there, like... I would... They've got an amazing food court!
[groans]
Okay!
Look, we're not into pottery and we're not into Holocaust awareness.
Fine. What do you guys want to do?
- [hard rock music playing] - [screaming]
[Owen screaming] Pull the chute! Pull the chute!
[Billy] Not until you convince me why I should let you marry my daughter!
[Owen] Oh, God! She's my best friend, and I love her!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
- I dog sit! I tip 20%! - Not good enough!
[Owen dejectedly] I'll never have sex with her again.
- [Billy] Keep going! - I'm pulling the cord!
[Billy] That's my cock, you idiot!
[hard rock music continues]
[tattoo guns humming]
You know, I was thinking about choosing a Shrek character,
because it's my favorite, but I don't know,
this moon is really speaking to me, right?
Okay. That looks pretty--
[shrieking]
Ow! What? What--
Ahh!
- [upbeat music playing] - [Owen] Whoo!
[laughing]
[grimacing comically]
Let's go! Oh, man.
Could you guys believe I got a tattoo?
[laughing] Who even am I right now? This is a tattoo, it's a moon.
[imitates howling] I'm like a wolf.
[howling]
Bill, why don't you get us another round? I'm not nearly drunk enough.
That's a good idea, Lilly.
I'll come with! Let's go!
[foot scuffling]
Mind the shoes, Owen.
My bad, Mister Dad. [laughing]
- [foot scuffling] - [Owen exclaims]
Okay, that one was a little on you,
'cause you didn't turn around that quickly. That's okay.
- [Billy] Sit! - Yeah.
Stay.
Okay!
- I'll be right back. - [Billy] Oh, no.
I'll go. You keep him company. All right?
[Owen] God! He is just the coolest, isn't he?
It is so awesome that you get to have sex with him.
- Really? - And he smells so good!
It smells like...
sandalwood and...
and danger.
- It's Stetson. Cologne. - Is that what that is?
[sniffing]
How you doing, big fella?
Nice to see you again, Billy. You look hella fine.
Ah, if you say so.
So tell me, what does a bank manager do, exactly?
What does a bank manager not do?
I manage all of the employees.
And we have 12.
Really?
And I handle all the security, the whole dang bank.
- How did you find us? - That little cunt over there.
- [Billy laughs] - He called about the storage locker.
- Did he? - New colleague?
Uh, no, he's just a family friend.
He's an idiot. Doesn't know what's going on.
He looks like a fucking idiot.
- Yup. - [Owen] Billy!
That guy rocks!
[howling]
[vomiting loudly]
Yuck.
Jesus, there you are. Oh, you smell like my stepdad's car.
[man] So, uh, how did it go with your in-laws?
Was it regular bad, or like really, really terrible?
It was incredible.
I've never met anyone like these people before.
We went skydiving.
We got very drunk.
I did a little dancing.
I finally felt like I was part of the cool crowd in high school,
like I'm a skateboarder, or like I vandalize stuff or something.
I don't, but it feels like I could.
It was fun. It was almost too much fun.
Let's just pray to the banking gods that we have a nice, chill day.
[robber distorted] Everyone, on the ground, now!
Ground! Let's go!
- Move! - [yelling]
[robber] Go.
You, hurry up.
Get down! Get down!
[suspenseful music playing]
- [gun cocks] - [exclaims]
[tense music playing]
[robber] Two minutes.
[sputtering] Look, listen, listen. I am fully cooperating in every way.
And in that spirit, I have to let you know
that this is a state-of-the-art, completely impenetrable security system.
And there is no way you can pass there in under two--
[sputtering] That was an extremely lucky guess.
[muttering]
[lock chiming]
So you know about the fingerprint bypass?
However, this is where our journey ends, because there's--
[robber] Shut up! Read.
How did you--
[robber] Read!
"She left me roses by the stairs."
[monitor beeps]
[robber] Don't fuck with me.
Do not fuck with me!
♪ She left me roses by the stairs ♪
[robber 1] "Surprises let me know she cares."
[robber 2] Thirty seconds.
[vault door hissing]
- Thanks for letting me out. - [robber] You're welcome.
In there.
- [Owen] Okay! Okay! - Fill that up.
[tense music continues]
Did you want any small bills in case you have to tip or anything?
[robber] Shut the fuck up!
- [mysterious music playing] - [sniffing]
[sniffing]
Sandalwood? And danger.
[robber] Faster, move!
Stop smiling at me.
Enough.
Time.
Hey. Hey, look, you know, it's not too late to do the right thing.
[foot scuffling]
Oh...
- [mysterious music playing] - [robber sighs distorted]
[Owen] I'm sorry.
[robber growls]
[robber] Thank you for your cooperation, everyone.
Especially you, Owen.
You!
- [air hissing] - [sirens wailing faintly]
[man] They had on top-notch body armor, they had on face mask.
Stuff I've never seen before, and I know about a lot of good stuff.
The type of training I did... [laughs] I know when I see bad guys walking in.
So I tried to stop 'em myself, but, um... [clears throat] I slipped.
Could we not write that down?
[Marisol faintly] I ain't see shit, I don't know shit, I don't talk to cops.
[Gary faintly] ...a million times, I can't find the latch.
You deal with the security?
[exclaims] I'm the boss!
It's the best job in the world.
You're adorable.
The first part is a numerical code and it's my childhood phone number.
- [Lilly] Good one. Of course. - It's 402-896-6860. It's easy.
[gargling loudly]
♪ By the stairs ♪
You gotta get a little nasally, act like you're British, but you're not.
They're from San Diego.
Owen? Oh, my God! But--
Are you okay?
[exclaims] We came as soon as we heard.
- "We"? - [mysterious music playing]
[suspenseful music playing]
[Oldham] I'm Special Agent Roger Oldham, FBI.
So what can you tell me about the folks that robbed your bank?
Can you describe them for me physically? Anything?
[grunts] No, no, can't. They were wearing masks.
Does the name "The Ghost Bandits" mean anything to you?
Yeah, I'm a bank manager.
They're the most notorious bank robbers in American history.
They robbed over a hundred banks.
They move from state to state,
sometimes they disappear for years at a time.
- Do you think-- - [mysterious music playing]
Do you think it was... the Ghost Bandits that robbed this bank?
Everything in my gut tells me it's them.
Except one thing has been bugging me.
[tense music playing]
How they gained access to your vault.
[tense music building]
- [sobbing incoherently] - [Billy] It's all right, Owen. It's okay.
- [babbling] - [Billy] Breathe, breathe.
- There you go, in through your nose. - [Lilly] Blow it out.
- Give it a big blow. Good boy. - [Billy] Blow, blow, blow.
- [blowing violently] - Jesus.
[Owen wailing]
Oh.
Okay, you know what? We're done here, all right? That's enough.
- You've probably had enough. - Very emotional.
Well done, Owen.
Mmm.
In case anything jogs your memory...
the top number, 24/7.
The bottom number...
don't call that one.
[door opens]
[door closes]
[sniffs]
[sighs]
Do we think we might be a little more comfortable
if someone was in the front seat?
Nope.
- [Owen] Mmm. - We're here for you.
Yeah.
[Owen coughs]
[Billy] Come on.
Bingo.
Whose car is this?
It's yours, Owen. It's all yours.
Isn't that nice? My parents got us a car without asking us first.
It's just a little wedding present.
We thought you deserved something better than that, uh, wussy wagon of yours.
So this is what you were doing all day? You were buying a hot rod?
There's something about it that just screams Owen T. Browning.
- Don't you agree? - Yeah! It's got your name all over it!
- I love it! Oh, yeah! - [Lilly laughing]
I love it, thank you. Um, I can't wait to drive it.
- Want to take it for a spin now? - No.
[Billy chuckles]
I'm like 85% certain it's them. I have to tell Parker.
If you falsely accuse your fiancée's parents of robbing a bank,
that is relationship suicide!
So what am I supposed to do, hmm? Pretend like it didn't happen?
Hell, yes!
Let me tell you something, I spent 80% of my life acting like shit didn't happen.
Three weeks ago, I spilled some Lucky Charms in my bed,
I still ain't said shit about it.
[laughs] And, besides, didn't you tell me you gave them the code to the vault?
Well, yeah, but I was wasted and I was trying to impress them.
Yeah, that means if they robbed the bank,
you did too.
- [laughing] - No, I didn't.
[laughing hysterically]
- You gave them the fuckin' code! - [softly] Are you saying I'm an accessory?
No, you ain't no accessory, you are the fucking mastermind!
[laughing] This is gangster! Okay, look, can I be honest with you?
I steal, too, from the bank. That's right.
I haven't bought toilet paper in seven years.
- That was you? - Mmm-hmm!
From the men's and the ladies' bathroom. Come on, that's execution.
I don't care about the toilet paper. I don't care about the toilet paper.
- Hey! Okay, goodbye, thank you. - Hey! Who was that?
The baker. They just called.
They said there was a big commotion over there and they can't make the cake.
Wait, what? You're serious?
- I know! - What happened?
- The baker died. - [gasps] Oh, my God!
- How? - Kicked in the chest by a horse.
- Jesus! - Yeah.
Heart exploded on impact.
- Oh, my God. - I know.
- Hey, don't be sad! Hey, don't be sad! - [exclaims]
It's okay, 'cause the... the baker was racist.
- Yeah, like, a bad racist. - Are there good racists?
Well, my grandmother, so... Anyway, what's up?
Uh, my parents made samosas, so I was just coming to tell you.
How light and fun! Samosas! I love that.
- Okay, I'll see you down there. - Just take your time.
- All right? - It'll be okay.
- It's all right, we'll get a new cake. - All right. Yeah.
Definitely not a racist this time. [laughing] All right, love you.
Hi.
I'm going to need to cancel a cake order.
Yeah, my fiancée was kicked in the head by a horse.
- [vomiting on video] - [Oldham] Huh.
[suspenseful music playing]
Why are you so nervous, Owen?
So, I know this might sound crazy,
but I think Parker's parents
might be criminals.
- Yeah! - Well, of course they're criminals.
Why do you think they're skipping their daughter's wedding?
They're coming to the fucking wedding! Okay?
[sputtering] They're literally coming! We're--
Okay.
I think that they are the people that robbed my bank.
- No! How do you know? - I don't.
But I'm not gonna turn Parker's life upside down unless I do know for a fact,
so I need your help, okay?
Okay, okay, here they come. Do that thing you guys do.
What thing?
That thing where you ask highly-invasive, inappropriate personal questions.
Hmm? Okay, come on!
[loudly] Hi, guys! Hey!
Honey. You sure you're up for this?
- Yeah, you? - Oh, yeah. I took a weed gummy.
Smart! Billy and Lilly McDermott, meet my parents Neil and Margie Browning.
- Pleasure to me you, Neil. - It's my pleasure.
- You're very attractive. - Oh, thank you.
That's not a compliment. For me, it's too much.
[Lilly] Well, hi, there.
- Hi, hello. - [Margie] Hi.
[Lilly] Mmm! Oh, wow!
Speaking of attractive, you have absolutely flawless skin.
What do you use?
Soap.
- Perhaps we should have some cocktails? - [Lilly] Yeah, cocktails.
The sun is still out.
[laughs nervously] Okay, we got a table. Let's sit down.
It's gonna be fun!
- [McDermotts laughing] - And then I said,
"We don't need a gondolier!"
Lilly, she pushes the wee fella off the boat,
and we start paddling up the Grand Canal.
[all exclaiming and laughing]
So, Billy, Lilly, let me ask you something.
[Billy] Yeah, shoot.
- Have you ever committed a felony? - [Owen gags] Mmm-mmm.
[Margie] No, no, no!
Now, if we're gonna be family, we need to know if they're criminals, so...
- [Owen] Stop. Don't. - Give me that. Are you criminals?
My parents aren't criminals.
No, that's okay, baby.
I'm sure our lifestyle seems a little, um, unconventional to the Brownings.
Well, yeah, I mean they live in the jungle with the edamame people.
[Owen] No, that's a bean.
- [Neil] What's the name? - Yanomami.
What'd I say?
You said edamame, like at a Japanese restaurant.
They are the people of waitheri, totihi, peheti.
What is that now?
It's a common Yanomami phrase. I'm sure you've heard it.
- Honey, what are you doing? - Nothing! Just striking up a convo.
[laughs nervously]
Owen, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were quizzing us.
No! It's just... You lived with the Yanomamis for two years.
I'm sure you know what the phrase "waitheri, totihi, peheti" means.
It means courage...
beauty, and truth.
And if we seem a little confused, it's because your accent is so atrocious,
it's an affront to the Yanomami people and their god!
Owen, what the hell is wrong with you?
Anyway! [laughing] The Amazon is a wondrous place.
You two would love it.
Well, we don't travel. Um, Neil has traveler's diarrhea.
- It's not just when I travel. - [Billy] Yeah.
Oh, Margie, I bet under that cautious exterior,
there's a bubbling free spirit waiting to get out.
Oh, no doubt this one was really wild back in the day.
Uh, well, once, before I was pregnant with Owen, I, um...
Well, I participated in an orgy.
[laughing]
- What? - Yeah! [laughs]
- Mom, an orgy? - Yeah!
[shouting] An orgy?
- [Margie] Yes! - Yep.
I'm probably saying it wrong,
but it's that thing where you go and you just fuck everybody.
- Oh, yeah, that's an orgy, all right. - I had a lot of orgies.
- [all laughing] - That's where she met Dan Marino!
- The football player? - Yeah!
Well, it was either there or JCPenney.
Dan Marino doesn't shop at JCPenney. He's a Hall of Famer.
You met Dan Marino at the orgy.
- Oh, Jesus Christ! So is Dad my dad? - Of course I'm your dad!
Don't be ridiculous! Why do you think you have the Browning lower back hair?
I've seen you play sports, I know sure as shit it wasn't Dan Marino!
- [Owen] Wait, what? - [Neil] Dan Marino!
- Here's to Danny boy. - [Margie] Danny!
- [all toasting] - [Lilly] To Danny boy!
Whoo! Touchdown! [laughing]
Hey. Okay, look. So here's me, here's my dad.
The nose, the same beady, little dead eyes.
It's the same, right?
- And the lower back hair. - Sweetie, I've seen your back hair.
Okay, of course, but you haven't seen my dad's.
- Should we FaceTime him? - [laughs] No. Can we just talk for a sec?
Yeah!
Everything okay?
What was that at dinner?
Oh, I don't know, just the fact that Dan Marino fucked my mom.
Yeah, I... I know. I know, and your bank got robbed.
And he's a big man.
He is. That's true. Um...
Look, I know you've been through a lot, and that's extremely traumatic,
both things,
but is there something else going on?
Whatever it is, you can tell me.
I won't get mad.
[whispers] Okay?
Okay, all right.
- [doors close] - [Owen] All right.
So the reason I've been acting weird...
I think your parents robbed my bank.
[chuckling]
[Parker laughs] What?
- You're being serious? - Yeah, I'm serious!
- One of the robbers knew my name. - It's on the bank website.
But when I stepped on his heel, he turned back,
and he looked at me just like your dad.
You said they had masks on.
Yes, they were wearing masks, but it was the same
very specific disdain of me.
It's a vibe thing, you know? And...
And they knew that "She left me roses by the stairs"
was the voice activation code to get in the vault,
which I'm pretty sure I told your mom about when I was wasted.
Right, okay. Well, does anyone else know the code?
Just a couple-- Just-- Yeah.
Tyree, Gary, Marisol.
I think I told my therapist once, but I don't think she listens to me.
- Wow! - Okay.
You were the one who said that they're a lot.
I meant that they have big personalities, not that they rob banks.
[whispers] I'm not saying that they are bank robbers!
I'm saying that there's a possibility that they're bank robbers.
I'm just floating the idea out there.
Well, now, I'm just floating the idea that you've lost your fucking mind.
- [intriguing music playing] - [door opens]
[Billy] I can't believe we have to take this shit box.
- [engine revving] - Bank robbing son of a bitch!
[Owen grunts in frustration]
[suspenseful music playing]
Oh, Jesus Christ, this thing moves.
[tires squealing in distance]
[horn honks loudly]
Sor... Sorry!
Sorry.
[suspenseful music continues]
- [cars honking loudly] - [brakes screeching]
- [honking continues] - Okay, yep! Sorry!
[cars honking]
[Owen muttering]
- [honking continues] - [man] ...the fuck up!
- [honking continues] - [tires squealing]
- [honking fades] - [engine revving]
Whoo!
Okay. Oh, that was scary.
[intriguing music playing]
- Thank you, OnStar. - [automated voice] Happy to help.
The prodigal son has returned, and bearing gifts.
My God. You look like a snack.
I could eat your dick like corn on the cob.
[intriguing music continues]
Is this Scarface's house? God dang.
Okay.
[grunting]
Ow! Come on!
- [thump] - [groans] Okay.
Now I know why rich people have these.
- [squealing] - [growling softly]
[squealing and blowing]
Can we get on with this?
[chuckling]
See, I just don't see any reason why we can't be civil.
Besides, if anyone has a right to be angry, it's me.
I was the one who was betrayed, right?
[suspenseful music playing]
- [dog growls] - [exclaims]
- [dog yelps] - [loud thump]
Oh! Oh, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, little buddy.
[dogs growling and barking]
No, no, no, no, no!
There's just under a million in there.
Bravo. Now you just owe me five more.
- [dogs barking] - [Owen] Oh, God!
Mini ones? What, are they cheaper?
We took one million, not six.
And have you forgotten how this works?
While you were running, so was the vig.
- [dogs barking] - I'm sorry I kicked your friend!
- [Owen yelps] - [barking continues]
Oh, look at you little guys. You guys are adorable from up here.
If only you were a wee bit taller.
- [branch snaps] - [Owen] Ow! Why?
Five million's gonna take us some time, Rehan.
Do I look like an unreasonable woman?
No. You have till end of week.
[grimacing] I'm sorry. Does that interfere with your daughter's wedding?
Oh, shit!
Are you surprised that I am aware that you have a daughter?
And she...
Let's hypothetically call her, I don't know, Parker?
...is getting married on Saturday.
If you don't get me
my five million dollars before the wedding, then Parker...
is marrying the Grim Reaper.
- Meaning she'll be killed. - Yeah, yeah, I get it. I get it.
[Rehan] I know you got it, darling.
Did I mention I have a new shark tank?
Maybe your daughter could test it out for me.
[Rehan chuckling]
Those fuckers are hungry.
- [growling quietly] - Shh!
- [phone line ringing] - Pick up, Parker!
- Parker, pick up! - [automated voice] Thank you for--
- Son of a-- - [siren whoops]
Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, God!
- Okay. - [tense music playing]
Hey, officer, how can I help you?
License and masturbation, please.
- Okay, good morning. - [laughing] You look like shit.
And that's coming from a guy
who uses his sock as a filter for his coffee.
No, I'm doing great.
- Thanks for asking. - Mmm.
There appears to be a dog gnawing on your leg.
[growling]
Yeah, that's just my little buddy. My little bud.
We just took a walk in the woods.
You know, it's funny,
the Ghost Bandits knew precisely
how to circumvent the security system in your bank.
And when I called SunRidge to find out who designed the system,
you know what they said?
[scoffs] Are you insinuating that I had something to do with it?
Do you mind popping the trunk?
- Pop the trunk. - Okay, this is insane.
I'll say that. I mean, this is ridiculous.
I haven't committed a crime in my entire life.
[Oldham] Uh-huh.
First time for everything!
- [metal door slams] - [Oldham] Let's see.
We got a couple burner phones,
two boxes of nine mil, and...
[distorted] ...voice modulator.
Someone put this stuff in my trunk.
[distorted] Who, Owen? Who are you working with?
[growling]
- [distorted] Who, Owen? - I...
I don't... I don't know.
Okay, look, I get it. I forget things too sometimes.
So how about a nice, long weekend in a jail cell to help jog your memory?
I'm... I'm supposed to get married this weekend.
You know, I was married once, to a beautiful woman named Sheryl.
- You know where she is now? - Is she dead?
I wish.
No, she lives in Key West with her new husband.
Former Navy SEAL.
Rock-hard abs, and a cock you can land a 747 on.
That's a big plane.
It's a wide plane.
Anyway, I became so obsessed with catching the Ghost Bandits
that it cost me my marriage.
Hmm?
My house.
Maybe even my sanity.
I mean, after a while, I started wondering if the Ghost Bandits...
you know, were real ghosts.
Hey! Let's funnel this energy into getting Sheryl back!
Right? I can make a photo montage.
Don't let this guy with this giant cock win over you!
- [sighs] Lock him up. - Wait, no! My wedding!
Oh, you're gonna have a wedding,
and quite the bachelor party in D block this weekend.
It wasn't me.
It was my in-laws.
They robbed my bank, and I did not help them.
They used me.
Damn, boy, you flip quick.
Prove it. Put on a wire and get 'em to confess.
- You want me to be a rat? - I want you to do the right thing, Owen.
Clear your name, and help me catch the Ghost Bandits.
And also, yes, be a little bit of a rat.
[menacing music playing]
[whispers] Parker.
- [door closes] - [whispers] Parker! Hey, Parker!
- [Parker] There you are! Where you been? - We have to talk.
- Why are you pinching your chest? - Because I'm wearing a--
[nervously] Whoa, gosh! A... soft shirt! Whoa!
Feels like my fingers are at a finger spa.
- Really? Looks pretty starchy-- - Don't touch me!
I'm sorry. It's just...
the in-laws aren't supposed to touch the groom before the wedding.
- That's horseshit. - Are you high right now, Owen?
I don't do illegal things, unlike other people.
Other people do... illegal things, and I'm cool with that too.
And if we want to talk about that and just sort of get things off our chest...
Okay, uh, we gotta go, 'cause we gotta be at the bakery.
The bakery! Yep!
Okay, I think me and you should just go to the bakery,
just because our baker died, we gotta get a new cake.
Perhaps we should all just go together. One big happy family.
You guys don't wanna run errands.
I do.
Of course we do. Who doesn't like desserts?
Well, they're vegan desserts, and we all know that they taste like shit.
I'm sorry, Parker, but I'm being honest with you.
They taste like shit, okay?
So you guys should stay, we should go eat the shit. Come on.
[Parker on mic] As long as we leave now.
[Owen] Oh, we're all going. Cool, good. All right! Okay!
[singsong] Okay! Oh, we're tasting cakes at 1308 Grant Avenue!
You know, when I go on a trip, I usually take two bags.
I have a carry-on, then I check one too.
- [on mic] I check one, two. - Schmuck.
[Owen] You're driving! Billy McDermott is driving! Cool.
Hey, do you want to play Never Have I Ever?
Never have I ever worn a scary mask when it wasn't Halloween.
Now your turn.
[Owen] We have arrived. I am one click south of the door.
You guys sure you don't wanna wait in the car? No? Okay.
We are zero clicks from the door.
- I am opening the door. - [bell ringing]
- [Owen] Right this way, come on in. - [Billy] Go ahead. Smells good.
Nice. Yep, that's cake.
Welcome to Vegan Divas. Where you can get your cake--
- [door opens loudly] - And eat it too! I'm Kay.
And this is my sister Ida.
She's the vegan and I'm the diva.
Thank you so much for fitting us in last minute.
- Yep. - Don't even worry about it.
I totally get last minute. I'm never on time for anything.
Are you sure about this? [laughs]
[whispers] Our wedding is at a very specific time.
No, it's okay. The reviews were great.
- This is just their shtick. - [head bangs]
[Billy] Oh!
[Kay on mic] Why do I keep doing that?
[Ida] Hey, I think you might be bleeding.
- [Kay] Ida! - [Ida] Okay, I'm sorry.
- [Kay] Cake! Hurry! - [Ida] Okay.
So this is our Better-Than-Sex red velvet cake
that Ida makes from scratch.
And that name is no lie.
I've compared them both.
Mmm! And this is vegan?
Oh, yeah.
Hmm.
[softly] Parker, can I speak with you in private real quick?
What's wrong?
- I like to concur... - What? Sure.
...about, you know, important life decisions before we make them.
- You know? Mmm-hmm. - Really?
- You have a little something here. - What's that, sweetheart?
What the fuck?
I'm sorry! I didn't know you guys were together!
[laughs] Owen, what's going on?
Okay, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but the FBI thinks
- I had something to do with the robbery. - What?
- They made me wear-- - [doors open]
Oh! What a lovely little bakery.
- You must be Parker! - Hi.
- [Parker yelps] - [all clamoring]
- [loudly] Ah! Nobody make a scene! - You're the one with the gun, Rehan.
Yes, you are the one with the gun holding hostages right now...
- [on mic] ...inside of the bakery. - [gags] Oh, hostages!
- What the hell is going on? - Listen, Rehan.
- We told you we'd get you the money. - Oh, yes. No, you did.
But then I remembered you are liars.
Just in case you were planning on slithering away into the shadows again,
I thought I'd come here for a little...
- insurance. - [Parker yelps]
[laughing]
- [Rehan] Come along, Parker. - Hey, hey, hey! Just take me instead.
Take me!
You little Build-A-Bear? You think you're hostage material?
No one here gives two shits whether you live or die!
Look at them and check in with them.
Oh! Zero shits given.
I don't understand. Was Owen right?
Just do what she says.
Stay calm, baby. Just stay calm.
So emo! Getting choked up.
- Dad? Dad? - I like getting choked, though.
You can eat my cake anytime!
Please, God, save my fiancée who is exiting the back of the bakery right now.
FBI! Freeze!
God'll save you, Parker!
[dramatic music playing]
[music building and stops]
[whining loudly] Please! God, please! Please! Please, God!
- [epic music playing] - [guns firing]
Ahh! Oh! Oh, shit!
- [all clamoring] - [gunfire continues]
Come on, Roger! You got this, Roger! Be a man, you dickhead!
- [glass shattering] - [gunfire continues]
Ahh! Ahh!
[gunfire continues]
[exclaiming]
- [whining] - [gunfire continues]
[both shrieking]
- [shrieking continues on mic] - God, man!
- [Parker] Fuck you! - [Rehan] Go on, take her!
Get the fuck in! Get in the car!
[epic music continues]
I'm going after her.
What the fuck? Oh, son of a bitch.
Everything's fucking cake in here!
I'm going after her!
No! You're gonna get yourself killed! Get down! Get down!
You're really fuckin' getting on my tits!
- [music building] - [shrieking]
- [music stops] - Shut up!
Lilly! Lilly, the front!
Let's go.
[dramatic music playing]
Go for the tires.
[Rehan] Get me my fucking money!
Ah, shit.
I fucking love this job!
- [loud bang] - [Rehan] Motherfuckers!
[Oldham] Freeze!
[Billy] What?
Put your guns down.
Put 'em down now.
- They got our daughter. - Don't move!
[screaming]
- [Billy] Motherfucker! - [groaning]
You! You were supposed to protect her!
This is why people don't trust the federal government.
This is on you! Hey! Hey!
Let me in! Hey, let me in!
No, no, no, no, no!
Let me in! Let me in!
- Okay, I committed. [grunting] - [engine revving]
[Owen screaming faintly]
[Owen screaming loudly]
What happened?
[grunting] Ahh!
- [Billy] Oh, Jesus. - [Owen] Ow!
[Billy] Come on, get your ass out here. There you go.
Ahh! Why are we stopped? We gotta go after her!
- I know where that woman lives! - Rehan has houses everywhere.
We have no idea where she took Parker.
[Billy] Even if you did, what were you gonna do?
Sneak into the bushes
and get chased up a tree by a pack of tiny dogs?
Parker is in the wind.
- I'm sorry. - Well, what are we gonna do now?
The first thing we're gonna do is you're gonna take that fucking wire off.
[Billy] You little shit bag.
I knew you were a coward but I didn't take you to be a rat.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna take the fall for you guys!
We never asked you to.
No! You just framed me!
You put bank-robbing evidence in the trunk of my car!
He wouldn't have been convicted of anything!
It was just enough to tie him up
and save Parker from making the biggest mistake of her life.
[yelling] She just got kidnapped because of you!
Before you came back in her life, the worst thing that happened to Parker?
She burned the roof of her mouth on a home-made flatbread.
I would've blown on it, but I couldn't. I had a cold.
How could you guys possibly know what she wants?
Or needs? You weren't there!
Because we were trying to fucking protect her, that's why!
Rehan used to be our partner.
She would choose the bank and clean the money.
And then she started to fuckin' lose it!
We were afraid she would find out about Parker.
So on the last job, we just took the money and ran.
I don't give a shit. I don't care what happened, okay?
- I just care about getting Parker back. - Oh, yeah, you and me both.
You need five million in two days. So you're gonna rob another bank, right?
Wouldn't hurt to have a bank manager on the team.
Someone who knows the bank's weaknesses, which ones have excess cash holdings,
when and where they move that cash.
He gets nervous cracking an egg. You think he can rob a bank?
If it's to save Parker? Fuck yeah, I'll rob a bank!
[sighs softly]
We always knew they were criminals.
[whispers] They drink during the day.
Yeah. Yeah. Hey, and the daughter... is a yoga instructor.
I'm not saying anything, but, you know, connect the dots.
[Oldham] Mmm.
Do you have any idea where they might've gone?
[Neil] Mmm-mmm.
Does Owen have any access to a family cabin or anything like that?
A, um, a vacation home--
Vacation home? What, are you kidding me?
Who do we look like, The Jeffersons?
[sighs heavily]
Here's a list of all the banks within a 100-mile radius,
arranged by on-site cash holdings, from ValueBank all the way up to--
Atlas Reserve, 20 million dollars.
- One-stop shopping. - Hmm! Easy.
[laughing] Yeah, I wish!
- [Billy] No? - No.
We can't rob Atlas Reserve.
Phoebe King has that place on lock.
Who's Phoebe King?
I thought you guys were the Ghost Bandits. You don't know who Phoebe King is?
- She pioneered bandit barriers. - [upbeat music playing]
[Owen] Every inch of her bank is triple secured.
I'd fuck me.
And her vault?
I'm talking biometrics, weight sensitivity,
not to mention randomized time locks!
[laughing] Okay?
When did you make this?
When I walked to the vending machine, got a Diet Squirt.
Weirdly, I had a lot of it in my pockets.
So, let me get this straight.
You made a model of a bank we're not gonna rob?
Oh, wow. There's another one. He made two.
I made 12. Only two are presentable.
See, we don't want a Phoebe King.
What we need is Victory Union, a bank whose manager is lazy.
A total turd.
- What we need is a Vince Millen. - [upbeat music continues]
Vince lost his right testicle because, one time,
he sat on his nuts too hard.
[screaming]
[Owen] The reason he got hired is 'cause his dad owns the bank.
[man] Okay.
[Owen] The most important thing about Vince is that he cuts corners.
Federal regulations limit
how much cash a branch can hold for security and insurance purposes.
When you go over the limit,
a manager has to arrange for a cash pick-up from the vault.
[Vince] Yo, lock up for me. I got paintball.
Now, the armored truck is supposed to take the cash directly to the repository,
but Vince hates paperwork.
So he has the same armored truck
collect cash from all three branches he manages
before going to the repository.
So if we hit that truck after the pickup from the third branch...
- It's like robbing three banks in one. - [Owen claps]
- We just need disguises. - [Owen] Yep.
And I need a gun.
- What? Oh, my gosh. - Mmm-hmm.
Whoa!
[laughs]
- It's way lighter than I thought it'd be. - It's a water gun.
- Is it? - Mmm-hmm.
Do I still look cool?
Yeah, you look like James Bond.
Which one?
- Five. - Oh, that was a good one.
[expectant music playing]
[expectant music continues]
- [gun firing] - [crowd shrieking]
Everybody on the ground, now!
- Don't be a hero! - [vault door opens]
Hey, Donkey!
[groaning]
Oh, God! That was really violent!
How'd you like my accent? Did it sound Irish or Scottish?
It was supposed to sound Scottish but I think it came out Irish.
Don't tell Billy.
[Lilly] Focus! We're robbing a bank here.
And remember, you're in charge.
[dramatic music playing]
That's right! I'm in charge, okay?
So no one try to be a hero.
I will cap a motherfucker!
I will cap your ass!
[dramatic music continues]
Everybody, stay down, all right?
You guys like Shrek? Who's your favorite character?
Mine's Shrek.
What are you doing? Don't get up. Do not get up!
[nervously] Okay, and you did. But stay right there, all right?
Do not come towards me. Do not come tow-- Don't rush towards me!
- [Owen shrieking] - [people screaming]
[suspenseful music playing]
Easy breezy.
- [phone keypad clicking] - [suspenseful music continues]
Ahh!
- [man yelling] - [crowd gasps]
What the fuck?
Freeze!
Nice and easy, boy-o. I gotcha.
[groaning]
Put the gun down. Put it down.
That's very good.
[thrilling music playing]
[shrieking]
Lilly! I got this, get the money!
[shrieking]
[groans]
[thrilling music continues]
[shrieking]
[coughs and wheezes]
[Owen grunts]
[thrilling music continues]
[Lilly] Billy!
[tense music playing]
[Lilly] Come on, kid, where the fuck are you?
[grunting]
[man coughing]
- [coughing continues] - [crowd exclaiming and clapping]
[Billy] About time, Shrek.
Sorry, a big guy that looked like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's character
from Moana had a heart attack, so I had to give him CPR.
How's your part going?
- [Lilly] Three against two. Drop 'em. - [guard] What do we do?
- I don't know. - You drop 'em.
Can we hurry up? [yells] Can we hurry this up?
Okay, all right, just put 'em down.
Easy down now.
[water dripping]
What the fuck?
- Oh, shit. - [Lilly] Son of a bitch!
- [Owen shrieking] - [bullets ricocheting]
Oh! Oh, God!
[guns firing]
That boy's a real dumbass.
[whimpering]
- [Lilly] Fuck, there goes our getaway. - Okay.
- [tires screeching] - [guards grunting]
- [rock music playing] - Get in!
Go! Go, go, go!
All right, yeah! We're doing this.
Shut up and drive!
Okay, yeah, let's go.
[rock music continues]
You know, I always wanted to be a school bus driver.
The money!
The money, the money!
Oh, no, no, no. That's not good.
[Billy] I'm gonna kick your green ass, Shrek!
[sirens blaring]
I thought we defunded the police.
- [rock music continues] - [sirens blaring]
[officer on loudspeaker] Pull over now!
[Owen] I'm sorry!
Yep, now they're angry.
- [gun firing] - [bullets ricocheting]
[shrieking]
[Owen] Oh, God!
He'll be fine, it's fine.
[Lilly] Where the fuck is he going?
[rock music continues]
- [Lilly screaming] - [Owen] Oh, my God!
Lord forgive us, Mary and Joseph!
[priest] ...to light, as our hearts mourn during this time--
- [bystanders screaming] - [rock music continues]
Goal! [chuckles]
Have you no dignity?
[rock music continues]
Ho-ho-ho!
Pretty sure my great-grandma was buried in here.
Shut the fuck up!
[Owen] Okay.
Oh, shit.
Why?
- Oh, shit! - [alarm chiming]
- [Owen] God. - What the fuck is that?
My Go-Gurts! Snack time. Gotta keep the blood sugar up.
- [Lilly] Give me that. - You want to pick a flavor?
- [Lilly] Fucking Go-Gurts! - [Billy] Snack time!
- [officer] Shit! - [exclaiming]
[rock music fading]
[Billy] Oh, shit.
[sighs]
[Owen] How much did we clear?
Sixty bucks.
Okay, that's a building block.
[upbeat music fading in]
[upbeat music playing]
I'm sorry. What the fuck is this?
You don't know him? This is Babayan.
He's like the Kanye of the former Soviet Bloc.
Is the Kanye here?
Shut the fuck up and dance!
Do my parents rob banks?
Do I have a magical pussy?
The answer is yes.
Your parents, they are magnificent bank robbers.
I mean, when they disappeared, I felt...
betrayed.
[Rehan] You try to run?
Ahh!
[Rehan] Stupid bitch.
Now, pay attention.
Babayan is about to do his grand finale.
- [upbeat music continues] - [Rehan] Hoorah, Babayan!
Hoorah, Babayan!
- [explosion] - [Owen exclaiming]
I think I left my phone in there.
Okay, guess Uber's out of the question.
CPR?
You stopped to give someone CPR?
- My training kicked in. - You foolish gobshite!
Okay, stop it! We have less than 24 hours to get that money.
Oh, forget about the money.
We need to rescue Parker first, then leave the country.
We are not running this time.
Parker made a real life for herself here.
- It's what's best for her. - No, that's what's best for us.
I... I have an idea.
We could rob Atlas Reserve.
What happened to, "One does not rob Phoebe King?"
One doesn't, but maybe three does?
I don't know. I just-- I know a way in.
I just don't know we could get out once the police show up.
Well, maybe we can get a little help there.
Ghost Bandits on three.
Three...
Okay, that was gonna be a cool moment. Hey, guys, wait up!
Earlier today, a man dressed as the popular animated character Shrek
attempted to rob Victory Union Bank, but he soon discovered that it's not so...
That's 100% Owen in a Shrek costume. I could recognize his giant ass anywhere.
- No, it's not. - It's not.
Damn, he's going nuts.
Why is he on TV?
I'm gonna call him again.
[phone ringing]
- Hello? - It's Billy.
Oh, it's Billy.
- Okay-- - You listen to me.
You touch one single hair on my son's back, and I swear to God--
Shut up and listen, I'm not gonna touch your son's back hair.
But I am gonna use him to rob a bank.
If you don't want to see him go to prison, we're gonna need getaway drivers.
Wait, hold on! You want us to be getaway drivers?
So be at Owen's bank tomorrow, 10:00 a.m.
- And keep the engine running! - [whispers] Let me talk! Let me talk!
[crying] Mom? Dad? I'm so scared! I'm so scared! Please...
Please, if you love me at all,
don't tell Agent Oldham at the FBI anything.
Honey, I swear.
We will tell no one!
No one!
[intriguing music playing]
- What time did they say? - 10:00 a.m.
Why does your clock say 8:00?
Oh, I took a business trip to Phoenix once, I never changed it back.
Something's not right here.
[suspenseful music playing]
[Owen] Good. Coast is clear.
Told you they wouldn't be an accessory to a crime.
Owen, you better take this.
Whoa, heft.
That's not tap water. It's lead.
Do not under any circumstances--
Oh, Jesus.
Do not pull the trigger.
[exhales heavily]
All right. Game time.
Await my signal.
Just think of how many terrible decisions we had to make
to get to this moment in time,
with everything riding on this pasty little goober.
We're so fucked.
Yeah, well, this pasty little goober
is about to rob his second bank for our daughter.
I like him.
[Owen] I'm sorry, but I don't know what I'm doing.
My bank got robbed and I didn't do anything to stop it.
I suck! I suck so bad!
First off, stop crying.
Whenever I hear babies cry, I lactate.
Can't ruin another suit.
Look, I need your help.
Can you show me your vault so I can see what a real security system looks like?
- So you want to see inside my vault? - Yeah.
Remember when I told you a Butterball turkey could break into your vault?
- Yeah, I remember. - Make that sound.
If I do, would you let me into the vault?
Do it! [imitates turkey gobbling] Come on!
- [imitates gobbling] - With your throat.
- [both gobbling] - Louder.
- [gobbling loudly] - There you go.
[gobbling continues muted]
Let's go.
[suspenseful music playing]
[Owen] Wow!
- Pretty heavy duty. - [Phoebe] Yeah, you like that, huh?
[giggles] It's a decoy!
I'm not gonna have a safe this pathetic. What am I, you?
[mockingly] "I'll just put one big circle on the front and that's what locks it."
Freak.
- Don't look. - Okay.
[keypad beeping]
The last numbers are irrelevant. That's how I masturbate.
[keypad beeping]
[snorts]
That feels good.
- [lock whirring] - [joyous classical music playing]
[softly] Phoebe King.
You know it, bitch.
Is that...
Triple-enforced titanium with digital, manual, and combination locks?
Pussy.
Don't tell me when I can take a fuckin' break.
I take a break when I fuckin' feel like it.
[laughs] Shit! You know what I mean? I don't care if it ain't--
That Owen's parents? The fuck are they doing at the job?
Mr. and Mrs. Browning! What's going on with y'all?
[laughing] How y'all doing?
Why y'all look like that? Y'all look real stiff and kinda paranoid.
Real statuesque, like you... you in a wax museum or something.
[chuckling]
- Hey, is that a cop in your backseat? - [Oldham] I'm not a cop.
I'm an agent. And could you please keep your voice down?
First of all, what's the fuckin' difference, okay?
You don't run nothing here! This ain't your jurisdiction!
- [whispers] Tyree! Tyree! Shh! - What?
Don't tell anybody, but your bank's about to be robbed.
What do you mean, don't tell nobody? They about to rob the bank again?
- Shh! - [yelling] What the fuck, man?
Damn it! Man, I haven't even... I left some shit in the microwave!
- Shh! - Fuck! I haven't even taken my lunch yet!
No, you don't shush me!
- Fuck this! I'm out. - [Oldham] Ugh!
- [Tyree yells in distance] Fuck! The fuck... - Why did you say that?
- I told you not to say anything. - [Tyree faintly] This job fucking sucks!
[softly] Just like Owen told you not to say anything.
It's a setup! It's a setup! They're going after a different bank!
- [Oldham groans] - [thrilling music playing]
- [grunts] Get out, I'm taking the car. - Not a chance.
It's taken me years to get this seat exactly the way I like.
Oh, God!
God damn it!
- Where to? - Atlas Reserve! They're desperate.
- [thrilling music stops suddenly] - [Oldham] Come on! Come on!
Little faster, please?
- [intriguing music playing] - [keypad beeping]
And now for the money shot.
Synchronized manual locks.
Ah! Ah! Tss! Oh!
Yeah.
[hooting wildly]
[car alarm chirps]
- It's not the most discreet signal.
- [chirping continues] - Jesus, Owen, we got it.
Shut the fuck up! If this kid makes it out alive, I'm gonna kill him.
- [car alarm wailing] - [Billy] Fuckin' hell!
Three, two, one, and release.
[moans]
[grunting exaggeratedly]
[grunting extremely loudly]
- [vault door hissing] - Pull.
[thrilling music playing]
- [bystanders clamoring] - [guards groaning]
[Billy] This is a robbery!
- Everyone on the ground now! - [people screaming]
What the fuck is that? Oop!
I'm sorry! I'm a coward!
I suck at bank managing! I can't believe I pulled it off.
[Phoebe muted] Owen, you fucking coward!
[Phoebe gobbling]
[Phoebe] Great, now I'm lactating.
[thrilling music continues]
Yes! Yes!
- [gun firing] - [people screaming]
[thrilling music continues]
- [Lilly yells] - [guard groans]
[people shrieking]
I'm coming for you, Parker.
Nope! That didn't go as planned.
[thrilling music continues]
Oh, my God.
[shrieking]
- No! No! - [Billy] Come on, sunshine, out you get.
[dispatch on radio] All units, we received an alarm from Atlas Reserve Bank.
- Robbery in progress. - I knew it. Let's go, Neil, faster.
- I drive smart, I don't drive fast. - [angrily] At least do the speed limit!
Your son's life depends on it!
- [Margie] Faster! - All right! All right, here goes!
With your permission?
[engine revving]
- [both shrieking] - [tires squealing]
You're kind of reminding me of Dan Marino right now.
Dan Marino?
I met him at an orgy once.
Ha! You think his arm was big? Whoa!
I wouldn't know. I was in the car.
All right, emergency escape latch. Every vault has one.
[vault door hissing]
How can Gary never find this?
[tense music playing]
[siren whoops]
[on loudspeaker] Hey, cuz, did somebody order a bank robbery getaway driver?
[imitates siren] Yo! Hey, what up?
- How'd the robbery go? - Shut up!
Yo, man, I got morphine in the back if you want to do a little drip--
- Let's go, come on! - Yeah, let's go!
- [yelling] Drive! - Yeah, of course.
- [bystanders screaming] - [tense music continues]
- [Oldham yelps] - [intriguing music playing]
- [parents] Was that them? - Get out! Get in the back, I'm driving!
You know what? I get sick in the back.
Margie, would you mind gettin' in the back?
No! I don't want to get in the back. It smells like eggs.
[yelling] Come on, let's go!
- [Neil] All right! - Okay, I'm going.
- Fine. All right. - [Neil] Here we go. Okay.
You know what? If you just get out and walk around, it's faster!
[Neil] No, no, no! It's easier this way.
- No! - [Neil] I'm moving. I'm in too deep.
I made the commitment.
Just-- Okay, all units, suspects fleeing northbound on Elm.
All right, come on, go, go, go!
[tires squealing]
[Neil] Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus!
[rock music playing]
[Rehan] This is the first time I've seen you look attractive.
This is the dress that I was going to wear when your father finally came around.
It's sexy. It's tasteful.
I look like a meth-head lottery winner
marrying Machine Gun Kelly at a cruise boat casino.
I love Machine Gun Kelly.
He has that skinny dick energy.
[siren whooping]
[Owen on loudspeaker] Hey, we got that cash delivery!
Bitches!
Finally. Interesting choice of vehicle.
Don't forget to give me five stars.
[laughing]
Uber?
[tense music playing]
It's okay.
[Owen grunts]
It's all right there. Five million.
Where are Billy and Lilly?
They're off distracting the police.
[siren whooping]
- [siren continues] - Aw, shit. It's not the volume. Sorry.
- [siren stops] - Sorry! Just-- Sorry, my bad.
Parker! What's up? It's RJ. Remember Roy's Teppanyaki?
- [RJ laughs] - Wow.
Owen... you did it!
Bravo! Very well done!
Well, look.
My debt is paid, you're free to go.
I think we should just split this money 50/50,
as a wedding present.
I'm joking! I'm going to kill the shit out of both of you.
Nope! Freeze, all right? Stay right where you are!
[Rehan laughing]
I got you now!
Let her go.
Oh, Owen, you're so sweet! Put that gun down, you man-child.
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
Did they give me a fuckin' water gun again?
[Rehan yelps]
- [Owen] Oh! - [Parker shrieks]
- Oh, my God! - Holy fucking shit!
[RJ muted] Whoa! My cuz is a straight-up murderer!
Oh! Oh, God! Parker.
- Owen, are you okay? - Parker, Parker, Parker! Oh, my God.
- [Parker exclaims] - Parker! Are you okay?
- [Parker] Yeah. - Are you okay? Oh, my God.
- Oh, you... - [car approaching]
- My God, what happened? - [Owen] I don't know.
I got sweat on my gun so I thought it was a squirt gun.
- It wasn't. It was a bullet gun. - What?
What the fuck? You guys are bank robbers? You've been lying to me my entire life?
We're trying to protect you, baby. That's why we don't see you.
- We're trying to keep you safe. - And what about Owen, huh?
You dragged him into it. What if he'd gotten killed?
You... You couldn't have held him back if you tried.
Really?
You're the most important person in the world to me, so...
[Billy clears throat]
He's a top man, he... he did really well.
I've...
I've grown fond of you.
You did good.
Here you go.
Nah, put that hand away.
- We're family. - What?
- [Billy squealing] Hey! - [Lilly] Oh!
- I didn't use tongue. - I did.
- [sirens wailing] - Uh-oh. Here we go, showtime.
We dragged every cop in the city here. Go on, skedaddle.
You don't want to be in jail on your wedding day.
- Move it. - [Owen] Love you.
- [RJ] Ow! - [Owen] Let's go! Come on.
[sirens whooping]
Billy and Lilly McDermott, I finally caught you!
[rock music playing]
[Phoebe grunting exaggeratedly]
- [rock music fading] - Is the danger over?
God, you suck.
- ["Levitating" by Dua Lipa playing] - ♪ If you wanna run away with me ♪
♪ I know a galaxy And I could take you for a ride... ♪
- [Kay] Hurry, Ida! - I'm trying.
- [Kay] Hurry up! - I'm trying.
Look, let me tell you somethin', I've been doing bank security for years.
What people don't realize, it's all about prevention.
You gotta keep your head on a swivel.
That's what I do, I see everything in that bank.
If somebody gonna rob it, that's on me, baby. [laughing]
But also I gotta get a new job, 'cause I quit.
- ["Levitating" continues playing] - ♪ The Milky Way, we're renegading... ♪
- [glass shattering] - [guests exclaiming]
[boy] You got him!
[gulping]
- Oh, she's having an allergic reaction! - Is there nickel in this spoon?
- Oh, dear, I guess one slipped through. - Oh, she'll be all right.
Don't worry, everybody chill! I got this!
Yeah! I'm not a hero. I'm just an EMT.
Oh, shit. This won't help.
But you're vaccinated!
- [laughing] I'll be right back. - [Margie] Aunt Linda--
Husband.
Yes, my wife?
Thank you.
For everything. This has been... one hell of a week.
Of course.
- I love you. - I love you.
[Gary on mic] And now, ladies and gentlemen,
for the first time as a married couple,
- Owen and Parker Browning! - [both] Whoo!
- ["Levitating" continues playing] - [guests cheering]
[RJ] Aw, you look so good.
- [indistinct chatter] - [cheering continues]
[cheering and music fading]
What are you doing here?
You can't let a simple little thing like going to prison
get in the way of your daughter's wedding, now can you?
Did you guys break out?
They get one dance and one slice of cake.
[Lilly] We made a deal.
We pled guilty, and then we tracked down an old friend of his.
- Wait, is that Sheryl? - Oh, yeah.
Oh!
- May I? - Of course.
Come on, sugar. Come to Mama. Let's show 'em how to do it.
Yes, ma'am.
I'm happy for him.
Me too.
- I mean, prison? - Well...
Okay, but it's nice they could show up.
["You've Made Me So Very Happy" by Brenda Holloway playing]
♪ But you said try just once more I chose you for the one ♪
♪ And I'm having so much fun You treated me so kind ♪
♪ I'm about to lose my mind ♪
- ♪ You made me so very happy... ♪ - [all exclaiming]
[Billy] Hold up.
Oh, yeah! Everyone's getting pregnant tonight!
- ["777" by Silk Sonic playing] - ♪ Blow the dice for me ♪
♪ Put your pretty-ass lips together Blow it real nice for me ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm trying to hit a lick ♪
♪ And slide to the dealership In the morning... ♪
[guests exclaiming]
They robbed our bank the other day.
Held me at gunpoint. This shit is really fucked up.
♪ Let's go! ♪
♪ They can't deal with me I swear to God... ♪
["All The Small Things" by Blink-182 playing]
I got this piece especially for you.
Oh, that's very kind of you, Owen. Thank you. [chuckling]
[softly] Don't chip a tooth.
Good lad.
'Cause there's something inside of it.
- Yeah, we did get it. We're fine. - Okay.
- [whispers] It's a paperclip. - [Lilly] Okay.
- [Owen] I left the key in the Hellcat. - Shut up.
- I got it. I got it. - Okay. All right, enjoy.
Have a bite.
- ["All The Small Things" continues] - [Billy] Game on.
♪ Surprises let me know she cares ♪
♪ Say it ain't so, I will not go ♪
♪ Turn the lights off, carry me home ♪
[band vocalizing]
♪ Say it ain't so, I will not go ♪
♪ Turn the lights off, carry me home ♪
♪ Keep your head still I'll be your thrill ♪
♪ The night will go on My little windmill ♪
♪ Say it ain't so, I will not go ♪
♪ Turn the lights off, carry me home ♪
♪ Keep your head still I'll be your thrill ♪
♪ The night will go on ♪
♪ The night will go on My little windmill ♪
[song fading]
["Congratulations" by Winnetka Bowling League playing]
♪ Castle on a steep hill ♪
♪ Tacoma queen from 17 ♪
♪ And she's still Wrestling her good will ♪
♪ Bet on a dream of Siamese cathedrals ♪
♪ Mountains of oxytocin ♪
♪ From that cool kids playground ♪
♪ Fountains to dip her toes in ♪
♪ Congratulations on your good life ♪
♪ Are you elated? Are you swimming on thin ice? ♪
♪ Did validation have a high price? ♪
♪ You're telling everyone "The weather feels so nice" ♪
♪ Hey, sun down ♪
♪ Don't come up soon ♪
♪ Hey, sun down ♪
♪ We all love you ♪
♪ The capital of envies ♪
♪ The color green, calamity impending ♪
♪ Habitual pretending ♪
♪ Are you serene? Is coming clean still pending? ♪
♪ Mountains of oxytocin ♪
♪ From that cool kids playground ♪
♪ Fountains to dip her toes in ♪
♪ Congratulations on your good life ♪
♪ Are you elated? Are you swimming on thin ice? ♪
♪ Did validation have a high price? ♪
♪ You're telling everyone "The weather feels so nice" ♪
♪ Hey, sun down ♪
♪ Don't come up soon ♪
♪ Hey, sun down ♪
♪ We all love you ♪
♪ So it's you against the clock now ♪
♪ Are you happy at the top now? Hey, sun down ♪
♪ Don't come up soon ♪
♪ Are you happy at the top now? Hey, sun down ♪
♪ We all love you ♪
♪ Congratulations on your good life Hey, sun down ♪
♪ Are you elated? Are you swimming on thin ice? ♪
♪ Did validation have a high price? ♪
♪ You're telling everyone "The weather feels so nice" ♪
♪ Hey, sun down ♪
♪ Don't come up soon ♪
[song fading]
[dramatic music playing]