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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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-[clacking]
-[soft bamboo flute notes play]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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["Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel plays]

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[roar of cheering audience]

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♪ Hey, hey, you ♪

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♪ Tell me, how have you been? ♪

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[cheering grows louder]

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♪ I wanna be ♪

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♪ Your sledgehammer ♪

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♪ Why don't you call my name? ♪

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Thank you very much! Thank you, everybody!

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[cheering swells]

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Thank you.

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-Please, take a seat.
-[audience quiets]

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Thank you so much.

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Thanks for coming out.

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Yeah, man.

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We're here.

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-[scattered cheers]
-Yeah.

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[cheering grows louder]

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-[cheering fades]
-Well,

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let me ask you guys something, man.

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Are they gonna keep taking
our Confederate statues down or what?

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-[laughter]
-[man] Yeah!

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[laughter]

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Just taking the temperature of the room.

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-I don't know who's here, you know?
-[laughter]

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[groans disgustedly]

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-"That's a weird one to start." All right.
-[laughter]

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Yeah, I've been on this,
uh, phenomenal tour,

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and I've, uh, I've met people
I never thought I would meet in my life.

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Recently I met a supermodel,
which is wild because…

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Well, I don't think she wanted to meet me.
I should be clear.

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I was in a… a fancy hotel in Toronto,

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and somebody that worked there,
they go to her, "Hey, he's a comedian."

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And she was like, "Okay."

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[laughter]

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And then they go, "She's a supermodel."
I was like, "I can see."

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[laughter]

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And what struck me is that they are
so much better-looking

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than you think they're gonna be.

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Like, you see in a magazine
or on your phone,

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and you're like, "She's pretty."

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But in person, you're like, "What the fuck
is happening right now?"

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[laughter]

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And then you realize
that it's a genetic freak.

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[crowd chuckles]

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It is. If you are a supermodel,
you are a freak.

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You are no different
than a seven-foot-tall man.

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-[laughter]
-I don't know

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if you've ever met a seven-footer.
I have. It is unsettling. All right?

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You basically… you go, like,
"Am I a child? What… What is happening?"

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This woman

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was so unbelievably good-looking.

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Like, five seconds into our conversation,

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I stopped speaking and listening.
All right?

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[laughter]

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I was looking at her
like she was at the zoo.

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I was like…

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[laughter]

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I was like, "Let me see your ears."
Was looking for flaws.

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[laughter]

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She was absolutely perfect.

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And then my next thought was,

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"Why can't my wife just drown?"

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-You know?
-[laughter]

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[scattered applause]

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She knows. I told her. She knows.

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[laughter]

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She's like, "You know I can swim, right?"
"I know."

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"Doesn't matter if you can swim.
It matters if a jury believes you can."

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-So…
-[laughter]

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[snorts]

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I've, uh… I've been to
unbelievable places because of this job.

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It's… It's really crazy.
I've… I've seen amazing places.

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Been to Rome. Hong Kong.

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Machu Picchu. All because of this job.

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And then, there's other days.

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[crowd chuckling]

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Like, I had to go to Topeka, Kansas
to do a show.

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[laughter]

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We went because they bought tickets,
but we got the fuck out right away.

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[laughter]

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There was something cool
that happened there,

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which is that my show there

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was protested

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by the Westboro Baptist Church.

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Uh…

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-[mumbles]
-[cheers and applause]

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Don't know if you know them.

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Sometimes they're in the news.

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[crowd chuckles]

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If you're like, "Oh, really?
There's a church in the news? But why?"

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[laughter]

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Well, sometimes they also protest
dead soldiers' funerals,

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cool shit like that. And…

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I was backstage, and my tour manager
came in the room, he goes,

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"Westboro Baptist Church is here."
I was like, "To see the show? Really?"

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[laughter]

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And he was like, "No."

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Said, "They're protesting."

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And they were out front
with their dumb fuckin' signs.

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[crowd chuckling]

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Their homemade signs 'cause they're poor.

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-Uh…
-[laughter]

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They had signs made that said,
"Tom is a sinner."

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And I was like, "Yes."

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-[crowd cheering]
-[mumbles]

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Yeah.

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True.

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-[cheers fade]
-[scattered applause]

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Then they had, like,
real hateful signs too

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that said, uh, like, "God hates gays."

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But didn't say "gay."

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[laughter]

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It was another word.

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[laughter continues]

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[laughter swells]

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Your dad says it when the Cardinals lose.
You know, like, uh…

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-[laughter, cheering]
-[scattered applause]

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All right, your uncle.
Somebody says it. Uh…

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[laughter]

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I took offense.

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Not so much to the word

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as the implication.

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That God hates gays.
I don't think that's true.

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I think God has a people problem.

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There are too many people,

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and that is not gay people's fault.

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-[laughter]
-[cheers, applause]

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Because they butt fuck.
I have to spell everything out?

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[laughter]

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Jesus.

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You can nut as hard as you want
in somebody's ass

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over and over and over,

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and something will come out,
but it's not a baby.

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Uh…

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-[audience member whistles]
-[cheering]

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I mean…

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[cheering continues]

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Still worth taking a picture of,
I would argue.

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[laughter]

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Maybe give it a name.
It's not gonna live long. Uh…

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[hushed laughter]

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[laughter swells]

147
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I'm not gay, but…

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I am not above checking out a dude.
I'm serious.

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Like, if I'm at the beach

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and there's some super fucking, like…

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just yoked dude there,
I'll be like, "Hey."

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"Nice."

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[laughter]

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"Very nice."

155
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"What's your protein intake?
What do you do?"

156
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"Cardio and lift? Of course."

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Then a hot chick'll walk by.
"Get outta here. What are you doing?"

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[laughter]

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I think the gayest I ever was…

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[laughter]

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…was in February.

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[laughter]

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That's when I did my shows in Los Angeles

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and Brad Pitt came to my show.

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[cheers and applause]

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Look…

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I do not know what year he was born

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or how many infants he consumes in a week,
but that man…

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-[laughter]
-…is stunning. All right?

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He came into my dressing room.
I couldn't make eye contact.

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Do you understand?

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I was like, "Hey, what's up, man?
How you doing?"

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[laughter]

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He goes, "Look at me." I was like, "No."

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[laughter continues]

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He goes, "Come on." I said, "Shut up."

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[laughter]

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[laughter continues]

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He goes, "Wanna give me a kiss?"
I was like, "Yeah."

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-[laughter]
-[scattered applause]

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He goes, "Do it." I went…
Like that, I kissed him.

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-[laughter]
-What?

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-[crowd cheering]
-[audience member whistles]

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-It wasn't gay.
-[laughter]

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-We took a bath later. That was gay. But…
-[laughter]

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…we talked about sports,
so it balanced out, you know?

187
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I think you're lucky

188
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if, in this life, you have, like,
one real friend.

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You know? Like a true friend.

190
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I think I have four.

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-Brad Pitt…
-[laughter]

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Um…

193
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I call him Pitt Stop 'cause we're close.
Uh…

194
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[laughter]

195
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And three other guys.
People you know intimately.

196
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Like, you know
each other's secrets and stuff.

197
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Like, one of my friends,
I know that he hides that he smokes weed

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from his wife. His name is Casey.

199
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-Um…
-[laughter]

200
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One of my friends hides
that he eats McDonald's from his wife

201
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because he's fat, and his name is Charlie.

202
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[laughter]

203
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[laughs devilishly]

204
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I guess they know now, but, you know…

205
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It's wild when you find out something new
after knowing people that long.

206
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I've known these guys, like, 25, 30 years.

207
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And I found out last week,

208
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so 25 years into these friendships,

209
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that I'm the only one who eats ass.

210
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In that entire group. Isn't that…
crazy to you?

211
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,561
Like…

212
00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:05,730
[cheers and applause]

213
00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:14,363
I guess I'm friends with a bunch
of third-graders. I don't know. Like…

214
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:15,698
[laughter]

215
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:19,535
One of the guys is newly in love too.
Justin. Newly in love.

216
00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:23,623
Usually newly in love people
are really on board, you know?

217
00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:26,083
Because everything's rainbows
and butterflies.

218
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:27,918
Like, every day Justin's like…

219
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:29,086
[giggles gleefully]

220
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[laughter]

221
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[softly] "I'm in love."

222
00:10:32,673 --> 00:10:35,134
I go, "That's great. Did you eat her ass?"

223
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:37,887
He's like, "No."

224
00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:40,181
I said, "So you don't like her."

225
00:10:40,264 --> 00:10:42,016
[laughter]

226
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And he was like, "No, I do."
And I said, "No, you don't."

227
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[laughter]

228
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"If you did, you'd give her
the sweetest kiss of all."

229
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-[laughter]
-[scattered applause]

230
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:58,032
-And he goes, "That's where she shits."
-[laughter]

231
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:02,161
-I was like, "Yeah, don't do it then."
-[laughter]

232
00:11:03,704 --> 00:11:05,081
Wait a while, you know?

233
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:09,126
Put her in a bath or something.
That's what I did with Brad. Now…

234
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:10,836
[laughter]

235
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,506
[cheers and applause]

236
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,470
[applause fades]

237
00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:22,098
He goes, "You're gross."
I was like, "Whatever."

238
00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:26,811
And he said, "That's what a dog does."
I said, "Excuse me?"

239
00:11:26,894 --> 00:11:28,437
[laughter]

240
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He goes, "A dog licks its own ass."

241
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:32,775
I said, "First of all,

242
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,819
if I could lick my own ass,

243
00:11:35,986 --> 00:11:37,696
I wouldn't be on tour, all right?"

244
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:39,240
[laughter]

245
00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:42,076
I would do it until a doctor
told me to stop.

246
00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:43,494
[laughter]

247
00:11:43,577 --> 00:11:45,663
He would have to sit me down
and be like,

248
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:48,791
"You're not gonna have an ass soon
if you don't knock this off."

249
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,251
[laughter]

250
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:52,420
I'd be like, "But it feels good."

251
00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:54,839
[laughter]

252
00:11:54,922 --> 00:11:56,632
And he'd go, "I don't trust you."

253
00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:59,510
"Gonna put a cone around your neck."
I'd be like…

254
00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:03,597
"I can take it off with my paws." Okay…

255
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:05,975
[laughter fades, swells]

256
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:08,602
Sorry, that was very stupid.
I'm sorry. Now…

257
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:14,024
I wish my dad was still here, you know?
He died a few months ago.

258
00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:17,319
And I understand it's part of life.
It happens to everybody.

259
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:21,782
And, uh, you know, I… I just… I had never
visited somebody sick in the hospital.

260
00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:23,868
That was a new experience. It's strange.

261
00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:26,495
If you've never done it,
you get to the hospital

262
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:29,748
and then somebody that works there
goes, "Are you here to see…"

263
00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:32,626
And you go, "Yeah." They go,
"They're gonna die soon."

264
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:35,588
And you're like, "I thought so too.
That's why I came."

265
00:12:35,671 --> 00:12:36,505
[laughter]

266
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:39,592
And then they go, "You can go in there
and watch that now."

267
00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:41,302
And you're like, "Thanks."

268
00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:42,553
[scattered laughter]

269
00:12:42,636 --> 00:12:45,514
Personally, I feel like
watching somebody die

270
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,600
that you're not trying to kill…

271
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:51,520
-is weird, you know?
-[laughter]

272
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:54,607
Like, it's different if you have somebody
and you're like…

273
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:57,026
[laughter]

274
00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:58,402
And they go, "I'm dying."

275
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:01,280
Like, "I know. I want you dead.
That's why I'm doing this."

276
00:13:01,363 --> 00:13:03,157
Probably feels good. I don't know.

277
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:09,038
I'm assuming it's a euphoric feeling
that you chase forever and ever. But…

278
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:12,500
Ask Garth Brooks.
He'll tell you all about it. So…

279
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,960
[loud cheering, applause]

280
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:21,342
Come on.

281
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:24,512
Where are the bodies, G?

282
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:26,680
[cheering continues]

283
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:27,806
Please.

284
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:30,392
[cheering continues, fades]

285
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:33,395
-Connect the dots. Now…
-[laughter]

286
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:38,776
I will tell you this. I did have
a great conversation with my father.

287
00:13:38,859 --> 00:13:41,820
And I hope if you're ever
in that situation, you get it too.

288
00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:45,074
We had this great talk.
And then he just drops this on me.

289
00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:47,910
He goes, "You know
what I've never told you?"

290
00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:50,538
And I was like, "No. What?"

291
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:53,249
And I was really hoping he was gonna say,
you know,

292
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:55,501
"There's a treasure
buried in the backyard."

293
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:56,835
[laughter]

294
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:57,920
"It's for you."

295
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:03,425
I go, "What have you never told me?"
He goes, "I like a full bush on a lady."

296
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:06,262
And I was like, "What? What?"

297
00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:09,348
-[laughter]
-[scattered applause]

298
00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:11,350
He goes, "Your mother
keeps trimming hers."

299
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:14,186
-I go, "Hey, what the fuck, man?"
-[laughter]

300
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:17,856
I go, "Why are you telling me this?"

301
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:21,735
-And he goes, "Who am I supposed to tell?"
-[laughter]

302
00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:24,446
I go, "The Lord.
You're about to meet him."

303
00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:28,909
And that was it. Then he said the "N" word
and then he died. [mumbles]

304
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:32,121
-[laughter]
-[scattered cheers and applause]

305
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,667
It was his last wish.

306
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:37,751
All right?

307
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:41,171
Yeah. Make-A-Wish was pissed.

308
00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:43,591
[laughter]

309
00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:47,386
They were like, "We don't do that."
I was like, "Well, maybe you should."

310
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:50,431
If it was between saying that
or meeting Tom Brady,

311
00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:52,850
I'd be like, "Fuck Tom Brady.
I wanna say it."

312
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:56,228
-[laughter]
-[scattered cheers and applause]

313
00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:58,981
[loud cheering]

314
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:05,404
What really sucks about losing a parent
is when you have kids.

315
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:08,866
'Cause you want your parents
to hang out with your kids, you know?

316
00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:11,118
Like, I have… I have two boys.

317
00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:13,287
They're six and three.

318
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:15,247
And they are boys.

319
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:19,084
Like, real "he/him"s,
if you know what I'm saying. Uh…

320
00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:21,003
[laughter]

321
00:15:23,213 --> 00:15:25,591
Don't worry, we asked them.
All right? [mumbles]

322
00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:29,428
They were like… [gruff] "Definitely."
We're like, "Oh, okay."

323
00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:30,763
"It's up to you."

324
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:33,015
Now…

325
00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:35,142
[hushed laughter]

326
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,519
-[laughter slowly builds]
-[scattered applause]

327
00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:40,940
[loud cheering and applause]

328
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:46,779
Luckily, I have a cousin
that lives near me

329
00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:49,114
and he has two girls the same age.

330
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,241
Six and three.

331
00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:54,078
So I get this wildly different experience

332
00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:56,580
up close and in person

333
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:57,706
all the time.

334
00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:01,001
And these girls come over to my house.
My God.

335
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:04,797
What did I do wrong where
I didn't get girls? These girls…

336
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,799
they show up, and they're like,

337
00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:08,467
[softly] "Hello, Uncle Tommy."

338
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:09,802
[laughter]

339
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:11,971
I go, "Hello to you."

340
00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:13,389
[laughter]

341
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,140
They go, "Where should we sit?"

342
00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:18,143
I go, "Try one of the chairs."

343
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:20,479
[laughter]

344
00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:23,399
And they go, "We would like to color."

345
00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:25,109
I go, "Please."

346
00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:27,820
[laughter]

347
00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:29,863
And then they sit down

348
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:31,907
and they fucking color.

349
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,576
-[laughter]
-[scattered applause]

350
00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:38,038
An hour later, I can go into that room

351
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,207
and they're like…
[humming pleasantly]

352
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:42,584
[laughter]

353
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:45,754
I go, "That's nice."

354
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:47,798
"Where are my boys?"

355
00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:49,341
[laughter]

356
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:50,926
"Are they in the house?"

357
00:16:51,927 --> 00:16:53,345
"Are they on the house?"

358
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:54,680
[laughter]

359
00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:57,182
"Are they… Oh, they're on the street.
Fantastic."

360
00:16:58,475 --> 00:17:01,061
I go out, like, "What the hell
are you guys doing?"

361
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:03,564
And they're like,
"We broke all the crayons…"

362
00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:05,149
[laughter]

363
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:07,776
"…and we put 'em in the mailbox."
And I go…

364
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,154
-[laughter]
-[scattered applause]

365
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:12,197
"Thank you. Thanks for doing that."

366
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,658
[cheers and applause]

367
00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:17,661
[audience member whistles]

368
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,789
My six-year-old, he goes,
"What would you do

369
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:23,000
if a bad guy took your stuff?"

370
00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:25,002
[crowd chuckles]

371
00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:27,379
"Would ask him to give it back.
I don't know."

372
00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:29,798
He goes, "I would get a sword."

373
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,675
[laughter]

374
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:33,635
"I would cut him into pieces."

375
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:34,928
[laughter continues]

376
00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:37,681
"And I'd put the pieces in the mailbox."
I'm like…

377
00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:39,808
[laughter]

378
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,561
"What are you doing with the mailbox,
Dahmer?"

379
00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:44,438
[laughter]

380
00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:49,193
He goes, "You know Grandpa
liked a full bush?" I go, "Hey…"

381
00:17:49,276 --> 00:17:50,903
[uproarious laughter]

382
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,405
"Did he call you? How do you know?"

383
00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:55,991
-[audience member whistles]
-[cheering]

384
00:17:57,951 --> 00:17:59,536
[man shouts indistinctly]

385
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,707
My kids call me Tom.

386
00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:05,334
[laughter]

387
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,002
So unnerving.

388
00:18:07,711 --> 00:18:10,964
Every day, the older one's like…
[gravelly] "How you doing, Tom?"

389
00:18:11,715 --> 00:18:14,968
I go, "Hey, I'm not your
fuckin' stepdad, all right?"

390
00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:17,721
-[laughter]
-[scattered cheering]

391
00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:21,558
"I wish I was. It'd be a lot easier.
But I'm not."

392
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:23,644
-[cheering]
-[scattered applause]

393
00:18:23,727 --> 00:18:26,021
I go, "Call me Dad."
He goes, "I like Tom."

394
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,356
I'm like, "All right."

395
00:18:28,023 --> 00:18:31,485
"What is up with your voice? You smoke
cigarettes? Why do you talk like that?"

396
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:35,572
The kid sounds like
he fixes Harleys all day, but…

397
00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:36,990
[laughter]

398
00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:42,329
…he's really just obsessed with the
decades-old video game, Pac-Man.

399
00:18:42,412 --> 00:18:45,582
And he has Pac-Man questions

400
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:48,544
morning, noon, and night.

401
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:51,713
He woke me up at three in the morning.

402
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:55,092
Let's be clear. He doesn't know
how to wake somebody up. All right?

403
00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,678
He stood an inch from my face…

404
00:18:57,761 --> 00:18:59,763
[laughter]

405
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:03,600
The most menacing way
somebody can wake you up.

406
00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:06,228
He just goes, "Hey, Tom!"

407
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:09,231
I was like, "Holy shit!"

408
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:10,691
[laughter]

409
00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:12,734
"What?!"

410
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:14,736
[laughter continues]

411
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,613
He's like, "What would happen…

412
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,741
if Pac-Man needed a house?"

413
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:22,119
I'm like, "What the… What?!"

414
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:24,121
[laughter]

415
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:28,250
He thinks I didn't understand
the question.

416
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:29,334
[laughter]

417
00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:31,503
So he slows it down. For me.

418
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,005
[laughter]

419
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:36,425
He goes… [enunciated dramatically]
"What would hap-pen…

420
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:38,093
if…"

421
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:42,014
I go, "He'd call a realtor."
I'm having a heart attack, all right?

422
00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:43,891
[laughter]

423
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:46,476
"Pac-Man would get a loan
and buy a house."

424
00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:48,854
He's like, "Okay, I'm going to bed."

425
00:19:48,937 --> 00:19:51,773
I'm like, "All right.
I'll be up for three days. Thanks."

426
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,483
[laughter]

427
00:19:55,068 --> 00:19:56,278
[man whoops]

428
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:57,404
At the same time,

429
00:19:57,487 --> 00:19:59,781
I have a monitor on the nightstand

430
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:00,991
for the little guy.

431
00:20:01,074 --> 00:20:03,118
This dude stands up in bed

432
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,579
and he goes, "What was that?"

433
00:20:05,662 --> 00:20:07,539
[laughter]

434
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:13,629
So now I drag my ass into his room.

435
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:17,674
He's standing there with his gut out.
You know they're like…

436
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:20,886
-[laughter]
-[scattered applause]

437
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:27,684
I'm like, "Do you own a Chevron?
Why do you stand like that, dude?"

438
00:20:27,768 --> 00:20:29,519
[laughter]

439
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:34,358
I go, "What?" He goes, "What was that?"

440
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:37,236
I go, "What was what?"

441
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:38,528
He goes, "That."

442
00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:40,989
I go, "What's that?"

443
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:44,034
He goes, "What was that?"
"I don't know what you're asking."

444
00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:45,786
[laughter]

445
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:48,872
He goes, "Was that the choo-choo?"

446
00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:51,416
I said, "What?"

447
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,920
He goes… [exasperatedly]
"Was it a choo-choo?"

448
00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:56,213
[crowd chuckling]

449
00:20:56,296 --> 00:20:59,675
-He said it like, "Are you stupid enough…"
-[laughter]

450
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:02,302
"…to turn our trains on

451
00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:04,263
without the conductor

452
00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:06,974
at the helm?" I go, "No."

453
00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:09,977
He goes, "So, what was it?"
I go, "I don't know."

454
00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:14,439
I said, "Maybe it was a choo-choo."
He goes, "Yeah. Don't do that."

455
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,942
-I was like, "Oh."
-[laughter]

456
00:21:17,025 --> 00:21:19,861
"All right, al-Qaeda boss,
go back in your cave."

457
00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:23,323
[laughter fades to soft murmuring]

458
00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:27,077
He's one of those kids
that only laughs at real anger.

459
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:30,497
I don't know if you've ever met
one of those peaches, but…

460
00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:35,294
See, most two and three-year-olds,
they laugh at manufactured anger.

461
00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:38,714
Performative anger. You can go up
to a kid that age and just go,

462
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:41,383
"Rarrr. And they're like…"
[giggles joyfully]

463
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:44,219
And this kid's like, "Mm-mmm."

464
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:47,222
"I wanna see
your blood pressure spike, man."

465
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:48,640
[laughter]

466
00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:52,227
The hardest I've ever seen him laugh,
it's not even close,

467
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:55,272
is when he flushed my car keys
down the toilet.

468
00:21:55,355 --> 00:21:56,940
[audience exclaims]

469
00:21:57,024 --> 00:21:58,734
It was my fault, I guess.

470
00:21:59,901 --> 00:22:01,153
I didn't hang them up.

471
00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:04,656
I put them on the coffee table
that I also bought. And…

472
00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:07,200
[laughter]

473
00:22:07,284 --> 00:22:10,078
I was laying on the couch.
You know, it was a long day.

474
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:11,455
I see his little ass

475
00:22:11,538 --> 00:22:12,914
come in the room,

476
00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:14,499
see the keys,

477
00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:16,084
and he's like…

478
00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:17,961
[laughter]

479
00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:20,297
And I go, "No. Don't."

480
00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:23,008
And he picks them up and he goes,
"Chase me."

481
00:22:23,091 --> 00:22:24,968
[laughter]

482
00:22:26,303 --> 00:22:27,346
"Down the hall."

483
00:22:27,429 --> 00:22:29,348
[laughter]

484
00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:30,515
I go, "Okay."

485
00:22:30,599 --> 00:22:32,851
I give him a head start. He's three.

486
00:22:32,934 --> 00:22:34,269
[laughter continues]

487
00:22:34,352 --> 00:22:35,771
When I stand up,

488
00:22:35,854 --> 00:22:38,273
I see him dip into the bathroom.
I'm like…

489
00:22:38,356 --> 00:22:39,399
"No."

490
00:22:39,483 --> 00:22:41,443
[laughter]

491
00:22:41,526 --> 00:22:42,986
And when I get there…

492
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:44,696
[imitates toilet flushing]

493
00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:48,075
And I lose my shit.

494
00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:49,868
[laughter]

495
00:22:49,951 --> 00:22:53,538
I don't yell at him.
I'm just yelling at my life.

496
00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:55,082
-You know?
-[laughter]

497
00:22:55,165 --> 00:22:56,792
I'm like, "Fuck!"

498
00:22:56,875 --> 00:22:58,168
[laughter continues]

499
00:22:58,251 --> 00:22:59,336
"No!"

500
00:23:00,879 --> 00:23:01,922
"Fuck!"

501
00:23:02,839 --> 00:23:06,301
And when I turn, he's like,
"That's what I'm talking about."

502
00:23:06,384 --> 00:23:08,929
[loud cheering, applause]

503
00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:14,059
[audience member whistles]

504
00:23:16,770 --> 00:23:19,231
-"You're a very funny guy."
-[laughter]

505
00:23:19,314 --> 00:23:21,316
Fuckin' kicked him in the chest.

506
00:23:21,399 --> 00:23:23,777
-[laughter]
-[chuckles softly]

507
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:26,530
God, those little shits.

508
00:23:28,073 --> 00:23:29,699
I took a shower

509
00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:31,243
with the, uh, six-year-old.

510
00:23:31,326 --> 00:23:32,911
He's six, he's not 16.

511
00:23:32,994 --> 00:23:34,788
-Um…
-[laughter]

512
00:23:35,914 --> 00:23:37,791
If you've never showered
with a six-year-old,

513
00:23:37,874 --> 00:23:40,752
let me give you some advice:
make sure it's yours.

514
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:43,547
-Otherwise…
-[laughter]

515
00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:47,467
It's strange if you're like,
"What's your name?"

516
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,845
[laughter]

517
00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:51,638
He's my son.

518
00:23:52,264 --> 00:23:55,517
And I wanted to, you know…
I was trying to be like a fun dad.

519
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,269
I… I offered him the showerhead.

520
00:23:57,352 --> 00:23:59,312
I thought it was a fun,
in-the-moment thing.

521
00:23:59,396 --> 00:24:01,857
I go, "Do you wanna hold the showerhead?"

522
00:24:01,940 --> 00:24:03,316
And he was like, "Yeah."

523
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:04,651
[laughter]

524
00:24:04,734 --> 00:24:07,904
I give it to him. He just starts
cleaning the shower. He's like…

525
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:10,240
[laughter]

526
00:24:13,243 --> 00:24:15,954
So, you know, after a minute, I'm like,

527
00:24:16,037 --> 00:24:17,455
"Can you wet me?"

528
00:24:17,539 --> 00:24:18,623
[laughter]

529
00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:23,795
And he goes, "Tom, relax. All right?"

530
00:24:23,879 --> 00:24:27,507
-[laughter]
-[scattered applause, cheering]

531
00:24:29,676 --> 00:24:31,595
Then he looks up at me.

532
00:24:31,678 --> 00:24:33,805
He goes… [gravelly]
"You have a big penis."

533
00:24:33,889 --> 00:24:35,640
[laughter]

534
00:24:35,724 --> 00:24:37,225
"And I have a small one."

535
00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:38,810
[laughter]

536
00:24:38,894 --> 00:24:41,313
I go, "Well, that's 'cause
mine's hard, buddy."

537
00:24:41,396 --> 00:24:44,149
[uproarious laughter]

538
00:24:44,232 --> 00:24:46,985
[cheers and applause]

539
00:24:49,905 --> 00:24:52,365
"We can make yours hard too.
Just gotta go like…"

540
00:24:52,449 --> 00:24:55,702
[audience exclaims, laughs]

541
00:24:55,785 --> 00:24:58,955
[hushed murmurs, chatter]

542
00:25:01,082 --> 00:25:04,002
-[disappointedly] "No."
-[laughter]

543
00:25:05,545 --> 00:25:08,673
[laughingly] I did not jerk off my son.

544
00:25:08,757 --> 00:25:10,425
[laughter]

545
00:25:11,468 --> 00:25:13,887
I just always wanted to say that. Uh…

546
00:25:13,970 --> 00:25:15,847
[laughter]

547
00:25:16,556 --> 00:25:17,682
[sputters, laughs]

548
00:25:17,766 --> 00:25:19,392
[laughter]

549
00:25:21,937 --> 00:25:23,521
The truth is…

550
00:25:24,814 --> 00:25:26,816
The truth is, he really did say,

551
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:30,862
"You have a big penis.
And I have a small one."

552
00:25:30,946 --> 00:25:32,614
And what I really said,

553
00:25:32,697 --> 00:25:33,823
immediately,

554
00:25:33,907 --> 00:25:37,035
and I mean in a split second

555
00:25:37,118 --> 00:25:38,495
of him saying that,

556
00:25:38,578 --> 00:25:40,455
I went… [gutturally] "No!"

557
00:25:40,538 --> 00:25:42,249
[laughter]

558
00:25:46,962 --> 00:25:49,547
And if you're like,
"Why did you shout, 'No'?"

559
00:25:50,090 --> 00:25:52,384
I think because in that split second

560
00:25:52,467 --> 00:25:55,345
I thought, "I don't want this
to be some shit

561
00:25:55,428 --> 00:25:57,973
you start saying when we're out."

562
00:25:58,056 --> 00:25:59,849
[laughter]

563
00:26:00,850 --> 00:26:03,019
I don't wanna be in a store
where he's like,

564
00:26:03,103 --> 00:26:05,522
"Do you have a big penis?"
I'll be like… "Yeah."

565
00:26:05,605 --> 00:26:07,691
[laughter]

566
00:26:07,774 --> 00:26:10,068
"You know how it is."
Guy's like, "I don't know how it is."

567
00:26:10,151 --> 00:26:12,237
"What the fuck was that all about?"

568
00:26:12,988 --> 00:26:15,240
[crowd chuckling]

569
00:26:15,323 --> 00:26:16,866
The worst part

570
00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:18,326
is that I scared him.

571
00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:23,707
When I shouted. That's a terrible feeling.
You see fear register on your kid's face

572
00:26:23,790 --> 00:26:27,585
because of your overreaction.
And I wanted to say the right thing.

573
00:26:27,669 --> 00:26:32,007
Or whatever the right thing is to say
in that situation.

574
00:26:32,090 --> 00:26:34,342
Which I suppose
would've been something like,

575
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:37,846
"You didn't do anything wrong.
You made an observation."

576
00:26:37,929 --> 00:26:41,308
"I shouldn't have shouted.
I'm sorry. Do you need therapy?"

577
00:26:41,391 --> 00:26:43,810
-"I love you, man." You know…
-[laughter]

578
00:26:43,893 --> 00:26:47,522
But it was all happening so quickly
that I didn't know what to say.

579
00:26:47,605 --> 00:26:50,191
So the fuckin' best I could come up with?

580
00:26:50,275 --> 00:26:51,609
I went, "No!"

581
00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:53,528
"Just… shh."

582
00:26:53,611 --> 00:26:55,989
[laughter]

583
00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:01,077
Now he's totally confused.

584
00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:02,537
[crowd chuckling]

585
00:27:02,620 --> 00:27:04,789
He goes… [whispers]
"You have a big penis."

586
00:27:04,873 --> 00:27:07,000
[laughter]

587
00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:10,420
"I have a small one."

588
00:27:10,503 --> 00:27:11,963
[laughter continues]

589
00:27:12,047 --> 00:27:14,466
I go, "Well, don't fuckin' tell anybody."

590
00:27:15,967 --> 00:27:18,428
He goes, "Did Grandpa have a big penis?"

591
00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:21,890
I go, "I don't remember.
Haven't seen it in a long time."

592
00:27:21,973 --> 00:27:23,475
[laughter]

593
00:27:23,558 --> 00:27:24,934
"Let's go ask Grandma."

594
00:27:25,018 --> 00:27:26,978
[laughter continues]

595
00:27:27,062 --> 00:27:28,063
And we did.

596
00:27:28,146 --> 00:27:29,773
[scattered cheers]

597
00:27:29,856 --> 00:27:30,774
And he didn't.

598
00:27:30,857 --> 00:27:32,942
[laughter]

599
00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:34,944
[scattered applause]

600
00:27:36,196 --> 00:27:39,032
[loud cheering]

601
00:27:43,036 --> 00:27:45,121
[audience member whistles]

602
00:27:45,205 --> 00:27:46,206
For the record,

603
00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:48,958
-neither do I.
-[laughter]

604
00:27:49,042 --> 00:27:52,170
I wanna make that perfectly clear
to everybody here.

605
00:27:52,253 --> 00:27:56,216
I do not have a big penis.

606
00:27:56,299 --> 00:27:57,634
But…

607
00:27:57,717 --> 00:27:59,219
next to a six-year-old…

608
00:27:59,302 --> 00:28:01,471
[laughter]

609
00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:04,099
…I got a fuckin' sledgehammer on me.

610
00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:05,392
Pretty proud of it.

611
00:28:05,475 --> 00:28:07,560
-[cheering]
-[whistling]

612
00:28:09,145 --> 00:28:10,522
[snorts, splutters]

613
00:28:11,231 --> 00:28:12,440
[two thudding slaps]

614
00:28:13,149 --> 00:28:14,067
[chokes]

615
00:28:15,026 --> 00:28:17,404
You almost broke the fuckin' stage, dude.

616
00:28:17,487 --> 00:28:19,280
[laughter]

617
00:28:19,364 --> 00:28:20,198
[sighs]

618
00:28:20,281 --> 00:28:22,158
The truth is this. I'm just, uh…

619
00:28:22,242 --> 00:28:23,451
I'm happy

620
00:28:23,535 --> 00:28:26,579
to be doing stand-up again
and actually standing.

621
00:28:26,663 --> 00:28:28,206
Because not long ago,

622
00:28:28,289 --> 00:28:31,835
I had a sports-related injury.
I don't know if you know this or not. Um…

623
00:28:31,918 --> 00:28:34,170
[crowd cheering]

624
00:28:35,922 --> 00:28:36,965
Well…

625
00:28:37,841 --> 00:28:42,429
If you don't know, I will try to say this
with a straight face. Uh…

626
00:28:42,512 --> 00:28:44,514
I, Tom,

627
00:28:44,597 --> 00:28:46,683
the guy you see standing up here,

628
00:28:46,766 --> 00:28:48,893
I was severely injured

629
00:28:49,769 --> 00:28:52,105
whilst participating

630
00:28:52,188 --> 00:28:54,441
in a slam-dunk contest.

631
00:28:54,524 --> 00:28:56,234
[scattered cheers and applause]

632
00:28:56,317 --> 00:28:57,944
-[loud cheering]
-Um…

633
00:29:01,823 --> 00:29:06,035
On a slightly-lowered rim. Now…

634
00:29:06,119 --> 00:29:08,955
It was wild. If you don't know, I tore

635
00:29:09,038 --> 00:29:11,916
my patellar tendon… [exhales swiftly]
…right there.

636
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,294
Which, you know, whatever.
[chuckles]

637
00:29:14,377 --> 00:29:15,503
[laughter]

638
00:29:15,587 --> 00:29:17,756
Happened to Klay Thompson,
happened to me.

639
00:29:17,839 --> 00:29:19,591
It happens to us. But…

640
00:29:19,674 --> 00:29:22,218
[laughter]

641
00:29:22,302 --> 00:29:26,014
I'm not Klay Thompson,
so I also broke this arm. And…

642
00:29:26,931 --> 00:29:30,059
It's all captured on video
that I find very not funny,

643
00:29:30,143 --> 00:29:31,978
but a lot of people enjoy it.

644
00:29:32,061 --> 00:29:33,188
[scattered applause]

645
00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:36,524
I have to tell people,
"I didn't laugh a lot that night."

646
00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:38,401
And they're like, "Really?" Yeah.

647
00:29:38,485 --> 00:29:42,030
There is one exchange
that I do like to share, and it is this.

648
00:29:42,113 --> 00:29:45,867
Immediately after I was hurt,
I was in the emergency room.

649
00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:50,121
And I was badly hurt. I had a shattered
arm, a leg that didn't function.

650
00:29:50,205 --> 00:29:52,665
And they were prepping me
for the operating room.

651
00:29:52,749 --> 00:29:56,044
And at that time, a trauma surgeon

652
00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:57,420
came into that room

653
00:29:57,504 --> 00:29:59,255
and he looked at my x-rays

654
00:29:59,339 --> 00:30:01,090
and he goes, "Car accident?"

655
00:30:01,174 --> 00:30:04,135
[laughter]

656
00:30:04,219 --> 00:30:07,639
And I got to lay there and go…
[quietly] "Dunk contest."

657
00:30:07,722 --> 00:30:09,849
[laughter]

658
00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:12,727
[cheers and applause]

659
00:30:15,230 --> 00:30:17,941
And he goes, "What was that?
What did you just say?"

660
00:30:18,775 --> 00:30:22,320
And I go, "Slam motherfuckin'
dunk contest."

661
00:30:22,403 --> 00:30:23,738
[laughter]

662
00:30:23,822 --> 00:30:26,449
He goes, "Did a car hit you
while you were dunking?"

663
00:30:26,533 --> 00:30:28,493
[laughter]

664
00:30:28,576 --> 00:30:31,287
I said, "Why don't you do
your fuckin' job, all right?"

665
00:30:32,121 --> 00:30:36,251
Some people don't know this,
I was in the hospital for three weeks.

666
00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:37,836
That's a long time.

667
00:30:37,919 --> 00:30:39,671
I don't think I would've
made it through

668
00:30:39,754 --> 00:30:42,632
if it weren't for my dear, dear friend,

669
00:30:42,715 --> 00:30:44,884
-Dilaudid. Um…
-[laughter]

670
00:30:44,968 --> 00:30:46,052
[scattered cheers]

671
00:30:46,135 --> 00:30:48,847
Yeah. I did not realize

672
00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:52,267
that I have been fucking around

673
00:30:53,476 --> 00:30:55,144
with weed all these years…

674
00:30:55,228 --> 00:30:57,105
[scattered cheering]

675
00:30:57,188 --> 00:31:00,733
…when narcotics is where it's at.
All right?

676
00:31:00,817 --> 00:31:02,861
-[cheering]
-[scattered applause]

677
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:04,237
That shit

678
00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:05,864
is electric. And…

679
00:31:06,406 --> 00:31:09,659
if anybody ever offers you an oxy,
say, "Hit me two times."

680
00:31:09,742 --> 00:31:13,830
Because… they're amazing
and nothing bad'll happen to you.

681
00:31:13,913 --> 00:31:15,915
[laughter]

682
00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:19,460
Nah, your life will fall apart,
but it'll feel good while it's happening.

683
00:31:20,837 --> 00:31:22,422
The only downside really

684
00:31:22,505 --> 00:31:25,800
is that you'll never shit… again.

685
00:31:25,884 --> 00:31:27,343
-Uh…
-[laughter]

686
00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:32,015
I took my first shit eight days
after I started eating those.

687
00:31:32,098 --> 00:31:33,308
I was scared.

688
00:31:33,391 --> 00:31:34,517
I called in the doctor.

689
00:31:34,601 --> 00:31:37,896
I was like, "I have an arm that
doesn't work, a leg that doesn't work."

690
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:40,690
"How do I lean? How do I wipe myself?"

691
00:31:40,773 --> 00:31:42,525
He goes, "Don't worry about it."

692
00:31:43,151 --> 00:31:46,321
"One of the nurses will do it."
And I was like, "Okay."

693
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:47,864
[laughter]

694
00:31:47,947 --> 00:31:51,159
And then a fuckin' male nurse
came in the room.

695
00:31:51,242 --> 00:31:52,869
[laughter]

696
00:31:52,952 --> 00:31:56,372
They're allowed to have the job too.
And…

697
00:31:56,456 --> 00:31:59,667
[crowd chuckling]

698
00:31:59,751 --> 00:32:02,670
This dude stood at the door

699
00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:04,672
and threw a pack of wipes.

700
00:32:04,756 --> 00:32:06,966
[laughter]

701
00:32:08,551 --> 00:32:09,802
I go, "What's that?"

702
00:32:10,470 --> 00:32:13,264
He said, "The doctor said
you need to clean yourself."

703
00:32:13,348 --> 00:32:15,099
And I went… [chuckles devilishly]

704
00:32:16,684 --> 00:32:19,354
[uproarious laughter]

705
00:32:19,437 --> 00:32:20,730
"You're gonna do it."

706
00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:24,859
And I saw a grown professional nurse

707
00:32:24,943 --> 00:32:27,612
-just go, "Ah, fuck." Like…
-[laughter]

708
00:32:27,695 --> 00:32:30,615
He quit. I saw him quit his job.
Isn't that crazy? Now…

709
00:32:31,366 --> 00:32:32,951
Five days later,

710
00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:35,036
I had my second movement,

711
00:32:35,119 --> 00:32:38,373
and they sent in an old-lady nurse,
which is fine.

712
00:32:38,456 --> 00:32:40,416
But she talked the whole time.

713
00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:43,544
Do you know how terrible…?
You're vulnerable. Like… [whimpers]

714
00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:48,383
She's back there, like,
"How we gonna clean up all this stool?"

715
00:32:48,466 --> 00:32:51,636
-I'm like, "I don't know. Shut up."
-[laughter]

716
00:32:54,889 --> 00:32:57,225
And she goes, "My, my, my."

717
00:32:58,101 --> 00:33:01,187
"You have so much hair back here."
And I'm like…

718
00:33:02,313 --> 00:33:04,440
"Yeah, I do it for my dad."

719
00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:07,026
-You know, like…
-[laughter]

720
00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:09,153
[cheers and applause]

721
00:33:09,237 --> 00:33:10,071
What?

722
00:33:10,780 --> 00:33:11,698
I mean…

723
00:33:15,743 --> 00:33:18,246
I like to picture him up in heaven,
looking down.

724
00:33:18,329 --> 00:33:20,581
"Look at that hair on my son.
Isn't that nice?"

725
00:33:22,166 --> 00:33:24,127
God's with him. "That is nice."

726
00:33:24,210 --> 00:33:25,461
[laughter]

727
00:33:25,545 --> 00:33:28,172
I picture my dad naked. You know?

728
00:33:28,256 --> 00:33:29,215
[laughs] I…

729
00:33:29,298 --> 00:33:31,384
[laughter]

730
00:33:31,467 --> 00:33:34,012
I picture everybody in heaven nak…

731
00:33:34,095 --> 00:33:37,056
I don't think you're in heaven,
"What shirt should I wear today?"

732
00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,851
I think people are naked.
I think God's naked.

733
00:33:39,934 --> 00:33:41,436
I think after a while it makes sense

734
00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:46,065
that my father would notice that God
has a fuckin' piece on him.

735
00:33:46,149 --> 00:33:47,400
You know?

736
00:33:47,483 --> 00:33:51,237
It's God. I think it's enormous.
And glorious. I think it's blue.

737
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:53,031
-And I think…
-[laughter]

738
00:33:53,114 --> 00:33:55,616
…it has a golden hue around it.

739
00:33:56,701 --> 00:33:59,037
I think after a while, my dad would go,

740
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:00,455
"Can I touch that?"

741
00:34:00,538 --> 00:34:02,206
[laughter]

742
00:34:02,290 --> 00:34:04,000
And God's like, "Of course."

743
00:34:05,001 --> 00:34:07,003
"You are one of my children." [chuckles]

744
00:34:07,086 --> 00:34:08,755
[laughter]

745
00:34:11,299 --> 00:34:13,051
[laughter swells]

746
00:34:15,636 --> 00:34:17,889
Then he goes, "Thanks. That was neat."

747
00:34:17,972 --> 00:34:19,265
[laughter]

748
00:34:19,348 --> 00:34:21,726
And then God says,
"Do you want to see it snow?"

749
00:34:21,809 --> 00:34:23,352
[imitates sexual moaning]

750
00:34:23,436 --> 00:34:24,687
[laughter]

751
00:34:24,771 --> 00:34:26,939
That's what snow is. You didn't know that?

752
00:34:28,149 --> 00:34:29,067
Snowing.

753
00:34:30,026 --> 00:34:32,320
Good. I hope I ruined snow for you.
Now…

754
00:34:32,403 --> 00:34:34,072
[laughter]

755
00:34:34,822 --> 00:34:37,700
It took me six months

756
00:34:37,784 --> 00:34:39,368
of pretty intense rehab,

757
00:34:39,452 --> 00:34:40,912
PT and OT.

758
00:34:40,995 --> 00:34:43,664
Shout-out to all the PTs
and OTs in the world

759
00:34:43,748 --> 00:34:45,208
working with people.

760
00:34:45,291 --> 00:34:47,126
-Fantastic.
-[applause]

761
00:34:47,210 --> 00:34:48,711
Well, they worked with me

762
00:34:48,795 --> 00:34:51,798
so that I could move around again
normally and naturally.

763
00:34:51,881 --> 00:34:55,843
And then this always gets me, you guys.
Seven months to the day,

764
00:34:55,927 --> 00:34:57,220
to the day,

765
00:34:57,303 --> 00:34:58,596
after I was injured,

766
00:34:58,679 --> 00:35:00,181
I was at home.

767
00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:01,599
I was asleep.

768
00:35:01,682 --> 00:35:04,102
It was two o'clock in the morning.

769
00:35:04,185 --> 00:35:06,104
And I heard my wife scream,

770
00:35:06,187 --> 00:35:09,107
but, like, a real scream. You know, like…

771
00:35:09,190 --> 00:35:11,109
[muted panicked screaming]

772
00:35:11,192 --> 00:35:12,693
So I took a pillow,

773
00:35:12,777 --> 00:35:14,112
I turned,

774
00:35:14,195 --> 00:35:15,988
and I covered this ear. Right?

775
00:35:16,072 --> 00:35:17,406
[laughter]

776
00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:20,034
"I am trying to sleep."

777
00:35:21,536 --> 00:35:24,288
And then she starts
calling me out by name.

778
00:35:24,372 --> 00:35:25,832
She's like, "Tom?"

779
00:35:26,999 --> 00:35:29,043
"Tom?"

780
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:32,296
And I go, "Goddammit."

781
00:35:32,380 --> 00:35:34,674
[laughter]

782
00:35:34,757 --> 00:35:36,050
"This sounds real."

783
00:35:36,926 --> 00:35:40,721
So I got up,
I made myself something to eat.

784
00:35:40,805 --> 00:35:42,974
[laughter]

785
00:35:46,102 --> 00:35:47,395
Poured a drink.

786
00:35:48,479 --> 00:35:50,148
And I was like, "All right."

787
00:35:51,023 --> 00:35:52,233
"Let's go find her."

788
00:35:52,316 --> 00:35:54,026
[laughter]

789
00:35:54,110 --> 00:35:55,319
Now, it's 2:00 a.m.

790
00:35:55,403 --> 00:35:58,906
I… I can't see anything.
I'm just following her cries for help.

791
00:35:59,532 --> 00:36:03,619
And I finally find her
sitting at the bottom of the stairs.

792
00:36:03,703 --> 00:36:09,375
And I go, "What are you doing?"
She goes, "I think I sprained my ankle."

793
00:36:09,458 --> 00:36:11,002
[laughter]

794
00:36:11,085 --> 00:36:12,587
I turn the light on,

795
00:36:12,670 --> 00:36:13,796
and I see

796
00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:15,673
that the bone

797
00:36:15,756 --> 00:36:17,842
that should be like this…

798
00:36:18,593 --> 00:36:21,053
-[clicks tongue] …is like that.
-[audience groans]

799
00:36:21,721 --> 00:36:24,473
And I go, "That… [laughingly]
…is not a sprain."

800
00:36:24,557 --> 00:36:26,809
[laughter]

801
00:36:26,893 --> 00:36:27,935
"I'm sure of it."

802
00:36:28,019 --> 00:36:29,562
[laughter]

803
00:36:29,645 --> 00:36:31,898
And she goes, "What should I do?"

804
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,109
I said, "You should do nothing."

805
00:36:36,152 --> 00:36:37,695
"I will call 911."

806
00:36:37,778 --> 00:36:38,946
[laughter]

807
00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:40,573
I have to confess

808
00:36:40,656 --> 00:36:43,910
I was very, very excited

809
00:36:45,161 --> 00:36:46,204
to call 911.

810
00:36:46,287 --> 00:36:48,039
[laughter]

811
00:36:48,122 --> 00:36:51,417
Have you ever been excited to call?
Like, "Finally, a good one."

812
00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:54,879
You know? Like…
"This is why we play the game."

813
00:36:54,962 --> 00:36:56,047
I call.

814
00:36:57,381 --> 00:36:59,342
The operator goes, "911."

815
00:36:59,425 --> 00:37:01,385
And I'm so amped up,

816
00:37:01,469 --> 00:37:04,513
I go, "Get fuckin' ready."

817
00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:07,016
-[laughter]
-[scattered applause]

818
00:37:10,102 --> 00:37:11,395
He's like, "Okay."

819
00:37:11,479 --> 00:37:12,813
[laughter continues]

820
00:37:12,897 --> 00:37:16,275
He goes, "You need police,
fire, or paramedic?"

821
00:37:16,359 --> 00:37:17,818
I go, "Paramedic!"

822
00:37:18,569 --> 00:37:21,697
"But send 'em all!" And he was like,
"What happened?"

823
00:37:21,781 --> 00:37:23,366
And I was like, "Ooh."

824
00:37:23,449 --> 00:37:24,825
[laughter]

825
00:37:24,909 --> 00:37:26,410
And I realize

826
00:37:26,494 --> 00:37:29,956
that while what I'm about to say is true,

827
00:37:30,039 --> 00:37:31,457
it sounds…

828
00:37:31,540 --> 00:37:34,543
-[high-pitched] …suspicious.
-[laughter]

829
00:37:36,671 --> 00:37:39,257
But I gotta say it. So I'm like,

830
00:37:39,340 --> 00:37:41,217
"My wife fell down the stairs."

831
00:37:41,300 --> 00:37:43,928
[loud laughter]

832
00:37:44,011 --> 00:37:45,930
[cheers and applause]

833
00:37:49,934 --> 00:37:51,310
[cheers fading]

834
00:37:51,394 --> 00:37:53,437
The operator goes, "Uh-huh."

835
00:37:53,521 --> 00:37:55,398
[laughter]

836
00:37:55,481 --> 00:37:58,693
He goes, "How'd that happen?"
I was like, "I don't fuckin' know."

837
00:37:58,776 --> 00:38:01,028
[laughter]

838
00:38:01,112 --> 00:38:04,865
He goes, "Was she alone?"
I'm like, "Do I need to talk to a lawyer?"

839
00:38:04,949 --> 00:38:07,243
[laughter]

840
00:38:07,326 --> 00:38:09,495
Four paramedics show up.

841
00:38:10,121 --> 00:38:11,247
I open the door.

842
00:38:11,330 --> 00:38:13,791
They go, "What happened?"
I go, "You know the deal."

843
00:38:13,874 --> 00:38:15,001
[laughter]

844
00:38:15,084 --> 00:38:17,169
"My wife fell down the stairs."

845
00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:19,922
And they go, "How'd it happen?"

846
00:38:20,006 --> 00:38:22,800
I go, "I do not know."

847
00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:25,177
They're like, "Was she alone?"

848
00:38:25,261 --> 00:38:28,180
I go, "Talk to my lawyer.
He's on the phone right now."

849
00:38:28,264 --> 00:38:30,016
[crowd chuckling]

850
00:38:30,099 --> 00:38:31,892
Then they start tending to her.

851
00:38:31,976 --> 00:38:35,396
Like, they put her leg in a brace.
You know? Start giving her an IV.

852
00:38:35,479 --> 00:38:37,440
I lean over to her

853
00:38:37,523 --> 00:38:39,608
and I have a private conversation

854
00:38:39,692 --> 00:38:41,110
as you sometimes do.

855
00:38:41,193 --> 00:38:43,779
I go, "Hey, I wanna tell you something."

856
00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:46,282
"I don't like the way
I'm being spoken to here."

857
00:38:46,365 --> 00:38:48,951
[laughter]

858
00:38:50,036 --> 00:38:53,914
"I feel like everybody's implying
I had something to do with this."

859
00:38:54,457 --> 00:38:56,459
"And I don't like it."

860
00:38:58,085 --> 00:38:59,795
And then I walked away.

861
00:38:59,879 --> 00:39:01,672
And a few moments later,

862
00:39:01,756 --> 00:39:04,925
she decided to make an announcement.

863
00:39:05,009 --> 00:39:06,177
[crowd chuckles]

864
00:39:06,260 --> 00:39:07,720
Unprompted.

865
00:39:08,679 --> 00:39:11,182
She goes, "Guys?"

866
00:39:11,807 --> 00:39:13,517
And they all turn.

867
00:39:13,601 --> 00:39:16,270
And she goes, "He would never hurt me."

868
00:39:16,354 --> 00:39:18,564
-And I'm like…
-[uproarious laughter]

869
00:39:18,647 --> 00:39:19,815
[scattered applause]

870
00:39:19,899 --> 00:39:21,275
"What are you doing?"

871
00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:22,818
[scattered cheers]

872
00:39:25,446 --> 00:39:28,240
She goes, "We've been together
a long time."

873
00:39:28,324 --> 00:39:30,076
"And if you think he did this,

874
00:39:30,159 --> 00:39:31,744
he didn't."

875
00:39:31,827 --> 00:39:33,412
I go, "Shut the fuck up."

876
00:39:33,496 --> 00:39:35,289
[laughter]

877
00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:36,874
"Or I will kill you."

878
00:39:36,957 --> 00:39:39,752
-[laughter]
-[scattered applause]

879
00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:44,757
Then we get to the hospital.
Doctor's like, "What happened?"

880
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:47,718
I go, "I punched her in the mouth
and she fell down the stairs."

881
00:39:47,802 --> 00:39:48,803
[laughter]

882
00:39:48,886 --> 00:39:52,223
-And he goes, "I get it, man. I get it."
-[laughter]

883
00:39:52,306 --> 00:39:54,475
"She's super chatty." I go, "I know."

884
00:39:54,558 --> 00:39:55,643
[laughter continues]

885
00:39:56,310 --> 00:39:57,853
"You should see her at home."

886
00:39:58,562 --> 00:40:01,732
No, she's doing better now.
She learned. She gets it, you know.

887
00:40:01,816 --> 00:40:04,610
-[laughter]
-[scattered applause]

888
00:40:04,693 --> 00:40:06,570
"Sandwich at 6:00." All right.

889
00:40:06,654 --> 00:40:07,696
So…

890
00:40:07,780 --> 00:40:09,990
-[laughs softly]
-[crowd chuckling]

891
00:40:11,742 --> 00:40:14,161
She came to a show
and saw me tell that story,

892
00:40:14,245 --> 00:40:16,872
and she was like, "Can you imagine
if you had hit me?"

893
00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:18,040
And I was like,

894
00:40:18,124 --> 00:40:19,458
"Uh… yeah."

895
00:40:19,542 --> 00:40:21,460
[laughter]

896
00:40:24,046 --> 00:40:25,756
Don't feel bad for her, okay?

897
00:40:26,298 --> 00:40:28,759
I'm serious. I just did her a huge solid.

898
00:40:28,843 --> 00:40:31,011
She asked me to do this and I did it.

899
00:40:31,095 --> 00:40:33,681
She asked me
to get a vasectomy and I did it.

900
00:40:33,764 --> 00:40:36,434
-So I got snipped. Yeah.
-[women cheering]

901
00:40:37,059 --> 00:40:38,018
See?

902
00:40:39,478 --> 00:40:43,566
The women always cheer
and there's always one guy that boos.

903
00:40:43,649 --> 00:40:44,608
[laughter]

904
00:40:44,692 --> 00:40:47,945
Like he wanted my full load
all up inside of him.

905
00:40:48,028 --> 00:40:50,448
[laughter]

906
00:40:52,324 --> 00:40:55,744
Listen, if you're a guy
and you're thinking about doing it,

907
00:40:55,828 --> 00:40:57,746
do it. It's a routine procedure.

908
00:40:57,830 --> 00:41:00,541
You will be nervous the morning of.

909
00:41:00,624 --> 00:41:01,792
It's your balls.

910
00:41:01,876 --> 00:41:04,795
-[crowd chuckling]
-You lay on a table. It's very cold.

911
00:41:04,879 --> 00:41:08,466
-It's, like, 400 below zero. And…
-[laughter]

912
00:41:08,549 --> 00:41:13,471
They pull up your dress very dramatically.
They're like, "What's going on down here?"

913
00:41:13,554 --> 00:41:14,680
[laughter]

914
00:41:14,763 --> 00:41:18,142
Your dick just stares at you, like,
"How could you?" You know?

915
00:41:18,225 --> 00:41:19,977
[laughter]

916
00:41:20,978 --> 00:41:24,273
But it's over in 15 minutes,
which I think is remarkable.

917
00:41:24,356 --> 00:41:27,109
And then you go back a week later
for the follow-up.

918
00:41:27,193 --> 00:41:30,321
And the follow-up is just a urologist
checking you out.

919
00:41:30,404 --> 00:41:32,907
Goes, "All right, drop your shorts."
Like, "All right…"

920
00:41:32,990 --> 00:41:35,826
[inquisitive humming]

921
00:41:35,910 --> 00:41:37,495
[laughter]

922
00:41:37,578 --> 00:41:39,788
-[moaning softly]
-[laughter]

923
00:41:41,874 --> 00:41:44,168
He goes, "Yeah, it tastes the same."
You know?

924
00:41:44,251 --> 00:41:46,086
[laughter]

925
00:41:46,170 --> 00:41:48,631
[audience murmuring, chuckling]

926
00:41:50,549 --> 00:41:53,761
He says, "I'm gonna give you your
homework." Those are his words.

927
00:41:53,844 --> 00:41:56,222
"I'm gonna give you your homework."
I go, "What's my homework?"

928
00:41:56,305 --> 00:42:00,142
He goes, "Go home, ejaculate 20 times."

929
00:42:00,226 --> 00:42:04,522
"Bring in your 21st sample in this cup,
and we'll test it and let you know

930
00:42:04,605 --> 00:42:07,525
if you're clear."
I was like, "That ain't shit." You know?

931
00:42:07,608 --> 00:42:09,944
-[laughter]
-[scattered applause]

932
00:42:12,404 --> 00:42:14,698
I do my homework all the time, baby.
So…

933
00:42:14,782 --> 00:42:17,576
-[laughter]
-[cheering]

934
00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:19,203
He goes to leave,

935
00:42:19,286 --> 00:42:21,247
but he stops at the door.

936
00:42:21,330 --> 00:42:23,707
He goes, "Oh!
I almost forgot to tell you."

937
00:42:23,791 --> 00:42:25,042
"Take your time."

938
00:42:25,125 --> 00:42:26,961
And I said, "I was gonna."

939
00:42:27,044 --> 00:42:28,212
[laughter]

940
00:42:28,295 --> 00:42:29,421
And then he says,

941
00:42:29,505 --> 00:42:33,551
"Sometimes I forget to tell people."

942
00:42:33,634 --> 00:42:34,885
Which tells me

943
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:38,472
that some people have returned
rather quickly.

944
00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:39,473
[laughter]

945
00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:42,268
With their assignment.
So I immediately ask him. I go,

946
00:42:42,351 --> 00:42:44,770
"What's the fastest anyone's
done 20 ejaculations?"

947
00:42:44,853 --> 00:42:46,313
[laughter]

948
00:42:46,397 --> 00:42:47,856
He goes, "48 hours."

949
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:49,858
-And I was like…
-[audience groans]

950
00:42:49,942 --> 00:42:54,071
"That motherfucker can keep that record.
I don't want anything to do with that."

951
00:42:54,154 --> 00:42:55,364
[laughter]

952
00:42:56,073 --> 00:42:59,243
-"That's the champ champ right there."
-[laughter]

953
00:42:59,910 --> 00:43:02,705
I went home and took another week off.

954
00:43:02,788 --> 00:43:05,541
I was black and blue. I was sore.
Like, "All right."

955
00:43:05,624 --> 00:43:08,085
But after the week,
it's time to get going.

956
00:43:08,168 --> 00:43:10,588
I started slowly, you know. I was like…

957
00:43:11,130 --> 00:43:13,841
[laughter]

958
00:43:13,924 --> 00:43:14,967
"Wake up."

959
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,012
Didn't feel the same.

960
00:43:18,095 --> 00:43:19,346
It was strange.

961
00:43:19,430 --> 00:43:20,639
Different. You know?

962
00:43:20,723 --> 00:43:23,017
I could feel the system turning on.

963
00:43:23,100 --> 00:43:24,643
You know what it reminded me of?

964
00:43:24,727 --> 00:43:28,480
You know when you run the heat
for the first time in the winter?

965
00:43:29,565 --> 00:43:32,026
And you're like, "This smells weird, man."
Like…

966
00:43:32,109 --> 00:43:34,194
[laughter]

967
00:43:35,946 --> 00:43:37,781
I could feel it building up.

968
00:43:38,699 --> 00:43:43,621
And I could not get
this one intrusive thought

969
00:43:43,704 --> 00:43:45,289
out of my head,

970
00:43:45,372 --> 00:43:49,043
which was, "It's just gonna be blood
that comes out."

971
00:43:49,126 --> 00:43:50,794
[audience groans]

972
00:43:50,878 --> 00:43:53,005
-I didn't want it to be.
-[laughter]

973
00:43:53,088 --> 00:43:54,506
I just kept thinking it.

974
00:43:54,590 --> 00:43:57,009
So now I'm jerking off all scared. Like…

975
00:43:57,551 --> 00:43:59,094
[exaggerated whimpering]

976
00:44:01,555 --> 00:44:04,099
-[sorrowfully] "It's gonna be blood!"
-[laughter]

977
00:44:06,727 --> 00:44:09,104
But I pushed through. I kept going. And…

978
00:44:09,188 --> 00:44:11,065
[laughter]

979
00:44:11,148 --> 00:44:12,775
…when it finally did go,

980
00:44:12,858 --> 00:44:14,401
it wasn't blood.

981
00:44:14,485 --> 00:44:16,528
And in relief, I laughed.

982
00:44:16,612 --> 00:44:17,738
[crowd chuckles]

983
00:44:17,821 --> 00:44:20,157
So my first jack back

984
00:44:20,240 --> 00:44:21,116
was me going…

985
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:23,494
-[laughs maniacally]
-[laughter]

986
00:44:23,577 --> 00:44:24,912
[applause]

987
00:44:24,995 --> 00:44:27,623
-Yeah. Well…
-[crowd cheering]

988
00:44:28,540 --> 00:44:30,918
[cheers and applause continuing]

989
00:44:32,961 --> 00:44:35,339
Instagram took it down,
but it's on my OnlyFans

990
00:44:35,422 --> 00:44:37,675
-if you wanna see it.
-[laughter]

991
00:44:37,758 --> 00:44:39,468
Six bucks a month. Now…

992
00:44:40,678 --> 00:44:44,264
The only thing, uh, that could deal with
that specific type of pain

993
00:44:44,348 --> 00:44:47,017
when I had the vasectomy
was eating edibles.

994
00:44:47,101 --> 00:44:51,480
You know? I had to eat edibles
every day for that achy, weird pain.

995
00:44:51,563 --> 00:44:55,984
Yeah. I always feel like I have to confess
to people immediately when I tell them,

996
00:44:56,068 --> 00:44:58,320
like, that I like edibles,
and that is because

997
00:44:58,404 --> 00:45:01,824
I am a lightweight
and I like mild edibles.

998
00:45:01,907 --> 00:45:04,034
-Some people wanna eat edibles…
-[applause]

999
00:45:04,118 --> 00:45:05,452
You know, yeah. And…

1000
00:45:05,536 --> 00:45:09,581
Some people wanna peek into the third
dimension casually every day.

1001
00:45:09,665 --> 00:45:11,041
[cheering]

1002
00:45:11,125 --> 00:45:12,668
That's not me. All right?

1003
00:45:12,751 --> 00:45:15,254
I like five and ten milligrams,

1004
00:45:15,337 --> 00:45:16,755
-and people…
-[cheering]

1005
00:45:16,839 --> 00:45:18,424
-Sure.
-[applause]

1006
00:45:18,507 --> 00:45:21,718
People mock me and they call me
"10 Milligram Tom"

1007
00:45:21,802 --> 00:45:24,596
-and this bullshit.
-[laughter]

1008
00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:28,725
Yell it to me on the street.
Like, "Are you eating your baby edibles?"

1009
00:45:28,809 --> 00:45:31,812
And I go, "Yes. Because I like
to be able to speak."

1010
00:45:31,895 --> 00:45:34,064
-"Is that crazy to you?"
-[scattered cheers]

1011
00:45:34,148 --> 00:45:37,901
"You don't know people
that like a couple beers?"

1012
00:45:37,985 --> 00:45:39,069
Is it always,

1013
00:45:39,153 --> 00:45:42,197
"I like to drink 36."

1014
00:45:42,281 --> 00:45:44,366
"Okay. Good for you, Bert."

1015
00:45:44,450 --> 00:45:47,578
-"Have a great night." So…
-[raucous cheering]

1016
00:45:55,169 --> 00:45:56,712
[cheering fades]

1017
00:45:56,795 --> 00:45:58,755
[guffaws mockingly]

1018
00:45:58,839 --> 00:46:00,007
[laughter]

1019
00:46:00,090 --> 00:46:03,093
[scattered cheers and applause]

1020
00:46:03,177 --> 00:46:05,554
[mockingly] "I'm the mechanic!"
Or whatever.

1021
00:46:05,637 --> 00:46:07,473
[laughter]

1022
00:46:07,556 --> 00:46:09,641
[crowd cheering]

1023
00:46:09,725 --> 00:46:10,601
Yeah.

1024
00:46:10,684 --> 00:46:12,978
[cheering continues]

1025
00:46:15,063 --> 00:46:15,981
Bert.

1026
00:46:17,316 --> 00:46:19,860
[audience member whistles]

1027
00:46:19,943 --> 00:46:21,195
Well…

1028
00:46:21,278 --> 00:46:23,780
"We forgot how the story goes.
Tell it again." Now…

1029
00:46:23,864 --> 00:46:26,033
-[laughter]
-[chortles]

1030
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:29,578
That's my bestie.

1031
00:46:29,661 --> 00:46:31,663
[laughter]

1032
00:46:31,747 --> 00:46:34,500
Speaking of friends, you never…
I wanna make this clear.

1033
00:46:34,583 --> 00:46:36,293
If you drink, if you smoke,

1034
00:46:36,376 --> 00:46:38,420
if you inject things into your eyeballs,

1035
00:46:38,504 --> 00:46:42,090
you never have to worry about strangers.

1036
00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:45,802
Never push the myth that a stranger
might be culpable

1037
00:46:45,886 --> 00:46:47,095
in getting you fucked up.

1038
00:46:47,179 --> 00:46:50,140
People say it, like, "What if a stranger
spikes my drink?"

1039
00:46:50,224 --> 00:46:53,268
"What if a stranger hands me a joint
and it's laced?"

1040
00:46:53,352 --> 00:46:57,022
Guess what? It'll never be a stranger.
It'll be one of your friends. Okay?

1041
00:46:57,105 --> 00:47:00,526
-[laughter]
-Your friends will fuck you the hardest.

1042
00:47:00,609 --> 00:47:01,568
[laughter]

1043
00:47:02,194 --> 00:47:03,654
I know this firsthand.

1044
00:47:03,737 --> 00:47:05,989
I have a bunch of really cool friends.
Um…

1045
00:47:06,823 --> 00:47:09,535
I found out on this tour
that one of my friends

1046
00:47:09,618 --> 00:47:12,496
was in the same city as I was in
on the same night.

1047
00:47:12,579 --> 00:47:15,415
Very rare in this line of work.
I was in Miami.

1048
00:47:15,499 --> 00:47:18,085
I find this out.
I cancel our dinner plans.

1049
00:47:18,168 --> 00:47:19,461
I drive across town.

1050
00:47:19,545 --> 00:47:21,171
I walk into this club

1051
00:47:21,255 --> 00:47:22,839
and I see my good friend.

1052
00:47:22,923 --> 00:47:25,467
Some of you know him.
He's a comedian and podcaster.

1053
00:47:25,551 --> 00:47:28,262
His name is Joey Diaz.

1054
00:47:28,345 --> 00:47:30,764
-Now…
-[resounding cheers]

1055
00:47:32,391 --> 00:47:35,310
[audience member whistles]

1056
00:47:35,394 --> 00:47:37,646
[cheers fade]

1057
00:47:37,729 --> 00:47:39,898
If you're here
and don't know who that is,

1058
00:47:39,982 --> 00:47:42,317
please allow me to describe him to you.

1059
00:47:42,401 --> 00:47:43,485
[laughter]

1060
00:47:43,569 --> 00:47:45,737
Joey is a very funny man.

1061
00:47:45,821 --> 00:47:47,072
He's a… He's a comedian.

1062
00:47:47,155 --> 00:47:48,949
He's 60 years old.

1063
00:47:49,032 --> 00:47:51,326
He's a Cuban immigrant.

1064
00:47:51,410 --> 00:47:53,704
Uh, he weighs 295.

1065
00:47:53,787 --> 00:47:58,375
And… he sort of looks like
if somebody was making a person

1066
00:47:58,458 --> 00:48:01,962
and then they left him under a heat lamp
for like 15 minutes.

1067
00:48:02,045 --> 00:48:04,673
[crowd groans, chuckling]

1068
00:48:07,217 --> 00:48:09,636
As a side note, I feel like
I should point out

1069
00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:13,599
he was addicted to cocaine and heroin
for 20 years.

1070
00:48:14,308 --> 00:48:17,394
I think that's relevant to the story.
Now…

1071
00:48:17,477 --> 00:48:18,979
[crowd chuckling]

1072
00:48:19,062 --> 00:48:20,480
Joey's very affectionate.

1073
00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:23,191
I get to this place
and he gives me a great big hug.

1074
00:48:23,275 --> 00:48:26,612
And the first thing he says to me,
he goes, "I got you something."

1075
00:48:26,695 --> 00:48:27,696
[crowd chuckles]

1076
00:48:27,779 --> 00:48:30,240
I go, "You got me something?
What did you get me?"

1077
00:48:30,324 --> 00:48:33,660
He goes, "I know you like your tens.
You're 10 Milli Tom."

1078
00:48:33,744 --> 00:48:34,995
[laughter]

1079
00:48:35,078 --> 00:48:36,413
"I got you some tens."

1080
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:38,332
And I go, "No, you didn't."

1081
00:48:38,415 --> 00:48:40,000
[laughter]

1082
00:48:41,501 --> 00:48:44,212
He goes, "I did." I go, "No, you didn't."

1083
00:48:44,296 --> 00:48:47,424
He goes, "Why are you saying that?"
"'Cause you're a liar and a bad person."

1084
00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:49,509
-"You're lying right now."
-[laughter]

1085
00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:53,305
He goes, "No, I'm not."
I go, "Sure you are."

1086
00:48:53,388 --> 00:48:54,765
And he has a jar,

1087
00:48:54,848 --> 00:48:56,224
and he pours

1088
00:48:56,308 --> 00:48:58,226
five gelcaps

1089
00:48:58,310 --> 00:48:59,561
into his hand.

1090
00:48:59,645 --> 00:49:02,856
And he goes, "These are tens."
And I go, "Bullshit."

1091
00:49:02,939 --> 00:49:03,982
[laughter]

1092
00:49:04,066 --> 00:49:05,067
And then he goes…

1093
00:49:05,150 --> 00:49:07,486
-[gulps]
-[laughter]

1094
00:49:07,569 --> 00:49:09,196
Eats all five.

1095
00:49:09,279 --> 00:49:11,073
Like they're Skittles.

1096
00:49:11,156 --> 00:49:12,783
[laughter]

1097
00:49:12,866 --> 00:49:15,494
So then I go, "Huh.
Maybe they are tens."

1098
00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:19,956
-[laughter]
-[scattered applause]

1099
00:49:21,625 --> 00:49:23,669
I said, "I would like one."

1100
00:49:23,752 --> 00:49:26,463
I put it on my tongue.
I take a sip of water.

1101
00:49:26,546 --> 00:49:28,006
As it goes down,

1102
00:49:28,090 --> 00:49:30,175
I look at him. He goes, "Oh!"

1103
00:49:30,258 --> 00:49:32,594
[laughter]

1104
00:49:37,265 --> 00:49:40,102
I go, "How much did I just take?"
And he goes, "Ten."

1105
00:49:40,185 --> 00:49:43,855
-And he just walks out of the room.
-[laughter]

1106
00:49:43,939 --> 00:49:45,273
I'm watching him perform.

1107
00:49:45,357 --> 00:49:47,984
You know, 30 minutes in,
I have a buzz.

1108
00:49:48,068 --> 00:49:50,028
When the show's over,

1109
00:49:50,112 --> 00:49:52,155
I am out…

1110
00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:55,492
of my goddamn mind.

1111
00:49:55,575 --> 00:49:56,952
[laughter]

1112
00:49:57,035 --> 00:49:59,913
I am vibrating like a tuning fork.

1113
00:49:59,996 --> 00:50:03,375
I'm like… [imitates pulsing vibration]

1114
00:50:03,458 --> 00:50:04,918
[laughter]

1115
00:50:05,001 --> 00:50:06,878
I can't open my eyes. I'm like…

1116
00:50:06,962 --> 00:50:10,966
[laughter]

1117
00:50:12,801 --> 00:50:16,179
I have to put my hand
on a man's shoulder

1118
00:50:16,263 --> 00:50:18,515
to guide me across the room.

1119
00:50:18,598 --> 00:50:20,600
-I'm like…
-[laughter]

1120
00:50:24,771 --> 00:50:27,649
I go… [clenched] "Joey, we gotta get
the fuck outta here."

1121
00:50:28,191 --> 00:50:31,319
And we do. Do you know where we go?
To the airport. Yay.

1122
00:50:31,403 --> 00:50:32,779
[laughter]

1123
00:50:32,863 --> 00:50:35,490
Let's have a panic attack
in a tube in the sky.

1124
00:50:36,450 --> 00:50:39,536
I'm walking through
Miami International Airport

1125
00:50:39,619 --> 00:50:42,414
freaking people the fuck out.
All right?

1126
00:50:42,497 --> 00:50:46,960
You know why? I forget how to walk.
I forget how to walk.

1127
00:50:47,043 --> 00:50:49,755
I can't figure out the fuckin'
body scanner thing.

1128
00:50:49,838 --> 00:50:50,922
I'm like… [snickers]

1129
00:50:51,006 --> 00:50:52,924
[laughter]

1130
00:50:56,011 --> 00:50:58,180
[nervously] "Can you hear
my heartbeat too?"

1131
00:50:58,263 --> 00:51:00,265
-[titters]
-[laughter]

1132
00:51:00,348 --> 00:51:02,976
[scattered applause]

1133
00:51:05,145 --> 00:51:07,522
I'm sweating, but I'm cold. You know?

1134
00:51:08,398 --> 00:51:11,359
Asking everyone for blankets, like,
"Do you have a blanket?"

1135
00:51:12,319 --> 00:51:13,653
"I want a blanket!"

1136
00:51:14,279 --> 00:51:17,491
They're like, "You're on the toilet.
Get the fuck outta here."

1137
00:51:17,574 --> 00:51:19,576
[laughter]

1138
00:51:21,119 --> 00:51:23,997
I pass out in a meditative state.

1139
00:51:24,706 --> 00:51:27,167
On this flight. I do.
Then I just wake up scared.

1140
00:51:27,250 --> 00:51:31,004
You ever wake up just terrified?
Like, I sit up and I'm like, "Ah!"

1141
00:51:31,087 --> 00:51:32,255
[laughter]

1142
00:51:32,339 --> 00:51:33,924
"Why am I a bad person?"

1143
00:51:34,007 --> 00:51:35,217
[laughter]

1144
00:51:35,300 --> 00:51:37,135
And I do something I've never done.

1145
00:51:37,219 --> 00:51:38,470
A flight attendant

1146
00:51:38,553 --> 00:51:39,846
passes down the aisle,

1147
00:51:39,930 --> 00:51:42,682
and as she passes, I grab her arm.

1148
00:51:42,766 --> 00:51:43,850
Hard.

1149
00:51:44,476 --> 00:51:47,354
Like I'm gonna put it on my dick.
Like, I grab it.

1150
00:51:47,437 --> 00:51:49,940
[laughter]

1151
00:51:50,023 --> 00:51:52,108
And she's stunned. So she goes…

1152
00:51:52,192 --> 00:51:53,944
-[exclaims]
-[laughter]

1153
00:51:54,027 --> 00:51:55,695
And I'm so fucked up,

1154
00:51:55,779 --> 00:51:58,323
I go, "Wait, how come? Do you know?"

1155
00:51:58,406 --> 00:52:01,368
[raucous laughter]

1156
00:52:04,120 --> 00:52:05,247
"Why are we alive?"

1157
00:52:05,330 --> 00:52:07,499
And she's like, "What? What?"

1158
00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:11,670
Now luckily
I have a decent friend with me, Shaun.

1159
00:52:11,753 --> 00:52:13,964
He interjects, goes, "He took an Ambien."

1160
00:52:14,047 --> 00:52:17,050
She's like, "Okay."
She just keeps going down the aisle.

1161
00:52:17,133 --> 00:52:19,052
[laughter]

1162
00:52:20,303 --> 00:52:22,722
Now he's worried about me,
so he wakes Joey up.

1163
00:52:22,806 --> 00:52:25,225
He goes, "Joey!"
And Joey's like, "What?"

1164
00:52:25,892 --> 00:52:27,602
He goes, "What did you give Tom?"

1165
00:52:27,686 --> 00:52:29,855
He goes, "I gave him 200 milligrams."

1166
00:52:29,938 --> 00:52:32,566
[audience exclaims, laughs]

1167
00:52:33,358 --> 00:52:34,943
"Dipped in hash oil."

1168
00:52:35,026 --> 00:52:36,820
[audience exclaiming]

1169
00:52:36,903 --> 00:52:38,989
I go… [slurred]
"Why you do that to me?"

1170
00:52:39,072 --> 00:52:40,907
[laughter]

1171
00:52:41,908 --> 00:52:44,327
He goes, "You're gonna
see the devil now, bitch."

1172
00:52:44,411 --> 00:52:46,329
[laughter]

1173
00:52:46,413 --> 00:52:48,999
[resounding cheers and applause]

1174
00:52:52,168 --> 00:52:54,087
[audience member whistles]

1175
00:52:55,005 --> 00:52:56,631
[applause fades]

1176
00:52:56,715 --> 00:52:58,842
I go, "I think I'm fuckin'
looking at him."

1177
00:52:58,925 --> 00:53:00,176
[laughter]

1178
00:53:00,260 --> 00:53:02,596
And let's rewind, by the way.
He took five.

1179
00:53:03,471 --> 00:53:05,515
He's on a thousand milligrams.

1180
00:53:05,599 --> 00:53:07,767
Like… [yawns]
"What are you doing tomorrow?"

1181
00:53:07,851 --> 00:53:10,687
"I'm going to the hospital tomorrow.
What are you doing?"

1182
00:53:11,229 --> 00:53:12,439
Psycho.

1183
00:53:12,522 --> 00:53:14,524
[crowd chuckling]

1184
00:53:14,608 --> 00:53:18,945
But listen to me. If you have never been
surprise megadosed,

1185
00:53:19,029 --> 00:53:22,115
-it is horrific.
-[laughter]

1186
00:53:22,198 --> 00:53:26,328
It is a harrowing,
panic-induced terror ride.

1187
00:53:26,411 --> 00:53:28,079
And so a few weeks ago,

1188
00:53:28,163 --> 00:53:29,831
I did it to my mother. Uh…

1189
00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:33,418
-[laughter]
-[scattered cheers, applause]

1190
00:53:33,501 --> 00:53:34,377
I did.

1191
00:53:35,629 --> 00:53:39,633
I was visiting her. She's alone.
She knows I eat them at night.

1192
00:53:39,716 --> 00:53:42,052
I've told her they help me sleep,
which they do.

1193
00:53:42,135 --> 00:53:46,056
And she calls them "gummies." So…
She comes up to me and she's like…

1194
00:53:46,139 --> 00:53:49,225
[slightly accented]
"Are you going to have a gummy tonight?"

1195
00:53:50,143 --> 00:53:52,103
And I go, "Yes."

1196
00:53:52,187 --> 00:53:53,855
She goes, "May I have one?"

1197
00:53:54,648 --> 00:53:56,650
And I was like… [laughs] "Yeah."

1198
00:53:56,733 --> 00:53:58,318
[laughter]

1199
00:53:58,401 --> 00:53:59,861
I give her one

1200
00:53:59,945 --> 00:54:01,655
because I take one.

1201
00:54:01,738 --> 00:54:03,782
And one gets me high, so I'm like,

1202
00:54:03,865 --> 00:54:06,618
"This is gonna peel back her wig."
You know?

1203
00:54:06,701 --> 00:54:08,370
[laughter]

1204
00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:12,999
I sit around with her for a couple hours.
Then I ask her, "How do you feel?"

1205
00:54:13,083 --> 00:54:16,086
She goes…
[with emphasis] "I feel nothing."

1206
00:54:16,169 --> 00:54:17,420
[laughter]

1207
00:54:17,504 --> 00:54:19,589
Like, "Really?" She goes, "Yes."

1208
00:54:20,548 --> 00:54:23,551
I go, "All right. I don't know.
Go to bed, you fuckin' savage."

1209
00:54:23,635 --> 00:54:26,429
-"I don't know what to tell you."
-[laughter]

1210
00:54:26,513 --> 00:54:30,100
The next day, it's evening
and she comes up to me again.

1211
00:54:30,183 --> 00:54:33,645
[mimics accent]
"May I have another gummy tonight?"

1212
00:54:34,479 --> 00:54:37,023
I go, "You had one yesterday.
You didn't feel anything."

1213
00:54:37,107 --> 00:54:40,652
-She goes, "Maybe I should take two."
-[laughter]

1214
00:54:40,735 --> 00:54:42,487
[clicks tongue]
"Maybe you should."

1215
00:54:42,570 --> 00:54:43,613
[laughter]

1216
00:54:43,697 --> 00:54:45,615
I give her two. We hang out.

1217
00:54:45,699 --> 00:54:47,909
And again, I ask her,

1218
00:54:47,993 --> 00:54:49,953
"How do you feel?" She goes…

1219
00:54:50,036 --> 00:54:53,081
[with emphasis] "I feel nothing."

1220
00:54:53,164 --> 00:54:54,541
I'm like, "Really?"

1221
00:54:55,250 --> 00:54:57,627
She goes, "Should I take two more?"

1222
00:54:58,753 --> 00:55:02,215
I said, "Hey, Pablo, you might wanna
keep it in first for a minute."

1223
00:55:02,298 --> 00:55:03,591
[laughter]

1224
00:55:03,675 --> 00:55:05,927
She goes, "You don't think so?"

1225
00:55:06,011 --> 00:55:09,014
I go, "Actually, I do think so.
Here. Here's two more."

1226
00:55:09,097 --> 00:55:10,306
I give it to her.

1227
00:55:10,390 --> 00:55:14,561
She eats them. And then she says,
"I'm going to bed." I go, "All right."

1228
00:55:14,644 --> 00:55:17,230
She goes to her room.
I go to the guest room.

1229
00:55:17,313 --> 00:55:19,399
A few minutes later…

1230
00:55:19,482 --> 00:55:20,650
[crowd chuckles]

1231
00:55:20,734 --> 00:55:23,862
…I receive a series of text messages

1232
00:55:24,946 --> 00:55:27,323
that I have since memorized.

1233
00:55:27,407 --> 00:55:29,492
[laughter]

1234
00:55:30,410 --> 00:55:34,122
The first one says, "Tommy, I am fizzing."

1235
00:55:34,205 --> 00:55:36,416
[laughter]

1236
00:55:36,499 --> 00:55:38,752
F-I-Z-Z…

1237
00:55:39,711 --> 00:55:41,046
I-N-G.

1238
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:43,590
I write back, "Sounds cool."

1239
00:55:43,673 --> 00:55:45,550
[laughter]

1240
00:55:45,633 --> 00:55:48,303
'Cause who the fuck is like,
"I'm fizzing right now"?

1241
00:55:48,386 --> 00:55:50,972
[laughter]

1242
00:55:51,056 --> 00:55:54,434
[scattered applause, cheers]

1243
00:55:54,517 --> 00:55:57,645
"We out here fizzing tonight, baby."
I don't know what that is.

1244
00:55:58,563 --> 00:56:02,108
She writes back, "My heart rate is 125."

1245
00:56:02,192 --> 00:56:03,818
[crowd chuckles]

1246
00:56:03,902 --> 00:56:05,653
"Oh, I am spinning."

1247
00:56:07,447 --> 00:56:09,991
So I write, "LOL."
I think she's having fun.

1248
00:56:10,075 --> 00:56:11,910
[laughter]

1249
00:56:12,702 --> 00:56:15,830
Then she writes,
"Please come now. I don't feel well."

1250
00:56:17,248 --> 00:56:18,833
I go into her room

1251
00:56:18,917 --> 00:56:22,378
-and my mother is seated upright.
-[laughter]

1252
00:56:22,462 --> 00:56:25,882
In b… That is an alarming look.
For an elderly woman?

1253
00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:28,760
Most of them lay down or lean.

1254
00:56:28,843 --> 00:56:30,470
She's just in bed, like…

1255
00:56:30,553 --> 00:56:32,806
[laughter]

1256
00:56:32,889 --> 00:56:35,558
I go, "Are you okay?"
She goes… [hoarsely] "No."

1257
00:56:35,642 --> 00:56:37,018
[laughter]

1258
00:56:37,102 --> 00:56:40,647
So I take her out to the patio.
I'm thinking, "Fresh air." You know?

1259
00:56:40,730 --> 00:56:42,774
It's clear immediately

1260
00:56:42,857 --> 00:56:45,193
that we are in for a ride.

1261
00:56:45,276 --> 00:56:47,529
[laughter]

1262
00:56:47,612 --> 00:56:49,697
The first thing she does, she goes…

1263
00:56:49,781 --> 00:56:53,284
-[smacks lips rapidly]
-[laughter]

1264
00:56:53,368 --> 00:56:54,869
[mimics accent] "My lips!"

1265
00:56:56,704 --> 00:56:58,248
"They are stuck together."

1266
00:56:58,331 --> 00:57:00,250
[laughter]

1267
00:57:00,333 --> 00:57:01,793
[scattered applause]

1268
00:57:07,298 --> 00:57:09,175
I go, "I'll get you some water."

1269
00:57:09,259 --> 00:57:10,802
[crowd chuckling]

1270
00:57:10,885 --> 00:57:12,971
And she goes, "Why am I hungry?"

1271
00:57:13,054 --> 00:57:14,472
[laughter]

1272
00:57:14,556 --> 00:57:16,933
-I said, "'Cause it's working."
-[laughter]

1273
00:57:17,559 --> 00:57:20,478
And she goes, "The dog was here.
The dog is gone?"

1274
00:57:21,187 --> 00:57:22,897
And I go, "Oh my God."

1275
00:57:22,981 --> 00:57:24,566
[laughter]

1276
00:57:24,649 --> 00:57:27,068
I start to laugh so…

1277
00:57:28,027 --> 00:57:29,237
destructively hard.

1278
00:57:29,320 --> 00:57:30,655
[laughter]

1279
00:57:30,738 --> 00:57:33,533
It… It is not, "Ha-ha-ha."

1280
00:57:33,616 --> 00:57:36,369
It is a deep, primal…

1281
00:57:36,453 --> 00:57:40,373
I'm watching my 77-year-old mother
get high.

1282
00:57:40,457 --> 00:57:43,835
I'm not laughing, my nervous system
is shutting down, all right?

1283
00:57:43,918 --> 00:57:46,087
[laughter]

1284
00:57:46,171 --> 00:57:48,256
I mean, I'm watching her look at sounds.

1285
00:57:48,339 --> 00:57:49,424
You know, she's like…

1286
00:57:49,507 --> 00:57:51,634
[laughter]

1287
00:57:55,054 --> 00:57:57,807
It hurts. It hurts how hard…
My esoph… I'm like…

1288
00:57:57,891 --> 00:58:00,768
[raspy exhaling]

1289
00:58:01,478 --> 00:58:05,106
As I'm laughing, I look at her.
And at one moment,

1290
00:58:05,190 --> 00:58:07,692
her face contorts.

1291
00:58:07,775 --> 00:58:09,944
Her face goes…

1292
00:58:10,528 --> 00:58:12,489
[laughter]

1293
00:58:13,364 --> 00:58:15,074
And she looks at me.

1294
00:58:15,158 --> 00:58:20,330
And she goes, "Tomorrow, your laughter
will be tears on my corpse."

1295
00:58:20,413 --> 00:58:22,999
-And I'm like…
-[audience exclaims]

1296
00:58:23,082 --> 00:58:24,250
"What?!"

1297
00:58:26,044 --> 00:58:28,213
She goes, "It's the perfect murder."

1298
00:58:28,296 --> 00:58:30,006
[laughter]

1299
00:58:30,089 --> 00:58:32,091
"Nobody will know it was you."

1300
00:58:33,343 --> 00:58:35,762
My lungs invert at this point.

1301
00:58:35,845 --> 00:58:38,348
And I have tears streaming

1302
00:58:38,973 --> 00:58:40,058
down my face.

1303
00:58:40,141 --> 00:58:43,228
She's so high, she thinks my laughter

1304
00:58:43,311 --> 00:58:45,438
is confirming her thoughts.

1305
00:58:45,522 --> 00:58:46,648
[laughter]

1306
00:58:46,731 --> 00:58:50,235
She starts to legit plead for her life.

1307
00:58:50,318 --> 00:58:51,528
[laughter continues]

1308
00:58:51,611 --> 00:58:53,404
She goes, "Tommy, please!"

1309
00:58:54,155 --> 00:58:55,657
"Please!"

1310
00:58:55,740 --> 00:58:56,991
"Don't kill me!"

1311
00:58:57,075 --> 00:58:58,117
[laughter]

1312
00:58:58,201 --> 00:58:59,786
"I am your mother!"

1313
00:58:59,869 --> 00:59:01,329
[laughter continues]

1314
00:59:01,412 --> 00:59:03,206
I fuckin' pass out in a chair.

1315
00:59:03,289 --> 00:59:04,707
I'm like… [grunts]

1316
00:59:04,791 --> 00:59:06,960
[laughter]

1317
00:59:07,043 --> 00:59:09,212
[applause]

1318
00:59:09,295 --> 00:59:14,008
[resounding cheers]

1319
00:59:16,844 --> 00:59:18,429
[applause fades]

1320
00:59:18,513 --> 00:59:20,890
I wake. I don't even know
where the fuck I am.

1321
00:59:21,724 --> 00:59:23,017
It's morning.

1322
00:59:23,101 --> 00:59:25,853
I walk into the kitchen
at the same time as her.

1323
00:59:25,937 --> 00:59:27,230
I go, "Hey, Mom."

1324
00:59:27,313 --> 00:59:30,441
And she doesn't say anything.
I'm like, "Oh, shit."

1325
00:59:30,525 --> 00:59:33,653
She just walks over to the coffee maker
and she goes…

1326
00:59:33,736 --> 00:59:34,737
[sucks teeth]

1327
00:59:34,821 --> 00:59:39,200
-"I know you tried to kill me last night."
-[clamorous laughter]

1328
00:59:43,538 --> 00:59:45,623
"It was very clever."

1329
00:59:45,707 --> 00:59:48,293
[laughter continues]

1330
00:59:48,376 --> 00:59:50,169
"But I am still here, Tommy."

1331
00:59:50,253 --> 00:59:51,879
[laughter]

1332
00:59:52,755 --> 00:59:56,384
I go, "I didn't try to kill you."
She goes, "Oh yes, you did."

1333
00:59:57,510 --> 00:59:59,053
So I leave for the day.

1334
00:59:59,137 --> 01:00:00,513
I come back later.

1335
01:00:00,597 --> 01:00:02,473
I go, "Look, I owe you an apology."

1336
01:00:02,557 --> 01:00:04,684
"I should not have let you eat that much.
I'm sorry."

1337
01:00:04,767 --> 01:00:06,394
She goes, "It's okay. I forgive you."

1338
01:00:06,477 --> 01:00:09,063
I'm like, "Really? Thank you.
Makes me feel better."

1339
01:00:09,147 --> 01:00:11,232
She goes, "I want to tell you one thing."

1340
01:00:11,316 --> 01:00:12,609
And I go, "What?"

1341
01:00:12,692 --> 01:00:15,361
She goes, "I want another gummy tonight."

1342
01:00:15,445 --> 01:00:16,613
And I go, "What?"

1343
01:00:16,696 --> 01:00:19,032
She eats them every day now.

1344
01:00:19,115 --> 01:00:21,868
-She's doing coke. She grew her bush out.
-[laughter]

1345
01:00:21,951 --> 01:00:23,369
She's fuckin' the neighbors.

1346
01:00:23,453 --> 01:00:25,496
-She's living her best life.
-[cheering]

1347
01:00:25,580 --> 01:00:27,790
If you ever meet her, give her drugs.

1348
01:00:27,874 --> 01:00:30,793
Thank you guys very much for coming out.
Have a great night.

1349
01:00:30,877 --> 01:00:36,007
-["Now You're Mine" by Gang Starr plays]
-[extended cheering and applause]

1350
01:00:39,844 --> 01:00:42,597
♪ Yo, Duke, you're dead wrong
You'll never have the skills like mine ♪

1351
01:00:42,680 --> 01:00:45,433
♪ I write the ill type rhymes
Now I'm reaching my prime ♪

1352
01:00:45,516 --> 01:00:47,310
♪ 360 dunk in your face ♪

1353
01:00:47,393 --> 01:00:50,146
♪ You can't compete
You're just a basketcase ♪

1354
01:00:50,229 --> 01:00:52,273
♪ Let's separate the men from the boys ♪

1355
01:00:52,357 --> 01:00:55,109
♪ And put your money where your mouth is
No time for toys ♪

1356
01:00:55,193 --> 01:00:57,278
♪ Your game is weak, you geek
So don't sleep ♪

1357
01:00:57,362 --> 01:00:59,781
♪ 'Cause I'll be checking and wrecking ya
When I start to creep ♪

1358
01:00:59,864 --> 01:01:02,492
♪ Through the back door
I know I caught you out there ♪

1359
01:01:02,575 --> 01:01:04,786
♪ You got no clout here
And I doubt there ♪

1360
01:01:04,869 --> 01:01:07,121
♪ Is any way that you can stop
The beatdown ♪

1361
01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:09,791
♪ You ought to play the background
And sit back down ♪

1362
01:01:09,874 --> 01:01:11,751
♪ Chumps like you
I gotta keep 'em in line ♪

1363
01:01:11,834 --> 01:01:13,670
♪ So prepare to suffer, boy ♪

1364
01:01:13,753 --> 01:01:16,255
♪ 'Cause now you're mine ♪ [echoes]

1365
01:01:19,092 --> 01:01:20,385
[music fades]

1366
01:01:20,468 --> 01:01:22,720
-[electric guitar riff plays]
-[echoing thud]

1367
01:01:22,804 --> 01:01:24,138
[man] I left a wallet there.

1368
01:01:25,264 --> 01:01:28,267
[gentle ambient music plays]

1369
01:01:29,394 --> 01:01:30,937
[music fades]