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- I remember when I first started doing stand-up comedy
on the Uptown Comedy Club in Harlem.
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
Four months later, I was on TV
with my boy Martin Lawrence doing the Def Jam on HBO,
"Word is Bond."
That led me to "Saturday Night Live,"
where I met Lorne Michaels.
I was instantly famous, and I ain't even know
how to handle it.
I would dance at tabletops at the best nightclubs
like a ghetto superstar.
I would drink champagne from a strange chick's shoe.
I once shitted in my boy's limousine for no reason.
I was wild.
That was then.
Now I'm a father of four, a celebrity,
a man that was married for over 20 years,
gave out food to the people in the projects where I grew up.
Since I almost got killed by that truck, I'm a new man.
Fuck that!
I'm the same old Tray-Bags,
and I'm taking it too far.
He is the last OG.
Put your hands together for Tracy Morgan!
♪ ♪
- ♪ Welcome back. ♪
♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪
- Oh!
Y'all don't even know.
I needed that, man.
I was neglected as a child.
And I did your real talk, man.
2022, man, a lot of shit went down
between the audience members and comedians, man.
You all saw it--
Will Smith, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle,
Craig Robinson, North Carolina. Y'all saw it.
Now, you know what?
I know why all that shit went down.
Because there's a lack of love.
And I'm just here to tell all of y'all, I love you.
But this is 2023 now.
If one of you motherfuckers decide to come up here,
I'ma beat the shit out of you.
Then I'm gonna cut you to the fucking white meat.
Is that clear?
You can go now.
Just don't go far.
God damn it.
Let me tell you something.
If Will Smith were to smack me,
ain't no fucking award show tonight.
You want to get your trophy, Will Smith?
You gotta come to me.
Pull up. I'm in Brooklyn, murder avenue.
I'm outside.
Because you know if you're a man
and you let another man smack you,
you know what's next.
He gonna ask you to suck his dick.
Point blank.
You know that smacking shit is a gateway to sucking dick.
Come on, man.
That was a smack heard around the world.
Everybody's talking about the smack.
Even motherfuckers fighting the Ukraine War
was talking about the smack.
I blame Jada.
Come on, man.
Everybody know he wanted to smack Chris Rock for years.
He'd been one of those--
everybody in Hollywood know that shit.
I remember I was having tax problems.
I called Will up, and I said, "Yo, Will,
"I'm having problems with my money.
Could you help me out?"
He said, "Yes, this is what you do, Tracy.
"First you get an LLC.
"Then you get an S Corp to cover your LLC.
"That's gonna bring your private trust.
"Most importantly of all,
you smack the shit out of Chris Rock."
He smacked Chris Rock so fucking hard,
Chris Rock had to start dating white women.
White woman ain't gonna bring it up.
She ain't gonna say shit.
But the first argument with a Black woman,
she gonna be like, "Ah,
you Mr. Fucking Tough Guy now?"
"You gonna talk that shit to me,
"but you ain't said shit
"when Fresh Prince of fucking Bel-Air
"smacked the shit out your ass, nigga.
"Where was Mr. Tough Guy at the fucking Oscars, huh?
Where was Mr. Fucking Tough Guy at the fucking Oscars?"
"Shut the fuck up 'fore I kick your ass."
"Oh!
"You gonna kick my ass?
You're gonna ball your fucking fist up at me?"
I'm serious, man.
When I got hit by that fucking truck,
I was all fucked up.
I was all fucked, cause I had to learn
how to walk again, talk again, eat again, and everything.
And I realized that, if I could survive that,
I could survive anything.
Boy, was I fucking wrong!
Because after that, I got hit by a pandemic,
divorce papers, and child support.
And all three of them shits is worse.
I pay a good penny in child support.
I pay a good--
I pay a good penny in child support.
Kanye West paid $200,000 a month.
If I got to give a woman $200,000 a month,
you givin' me more kids, nigga.
Because I don't pull out.
Pulling out is for college kids.
And I ain't got shit to lose.
I'm not pulling out, man.
That's what you get, because me and Kanye West,
our marriages didn't survive COVID.
You know, that's what you get
when you fuck with them Kardashians.
Them bitches is a group of demons, man.
You see Lamar Odom, right?
He almost went.
Kanye West is going.
Bruce Jenner is gone.
That nigga paid $2 million for that fucking operation,
and he's still just the fifth biggest bitch in the house.
Now, I'm not cutting my fucking dick off
for nobody, not even you, Jim.
If my dick is this big, it's mine.
And by the way, fellas, if your dick is this big,
you should register as a disability.
You should be getting SSI, nigga.
You and your fucking ding-a-ling.
Come on, man.
And I ain't believe in that fucking COVID shit.
My new girl, she took that social distancing shit
too far.
This chick left my crib, and I ain't seen her since.
I call her and said, "Baby, what you doing?
You quarantining?"
She said, "Call it what the fuck you want to call it.
I ain't never coming back to you, nigga."
'Cause I ain't believe in that COVID shit.
I ain't believe it until Idris Elba,
the Black actor Idris Elba, got it.
I said, "Shit, that hit the fucking fan."
My aunt says, "I'd still suck his COVID dick.
I'd suck that COVID dick."
She just kept saying it like she was proud of it.
"I'd suck that COVID dick."
I said, "Shut the fuck up, Lorraine.
You see these fucking kids sitting right here?"
She said, "So? So?
They know I'd suck infected dick."
Nasty bitch.
My fucking cousin was paranoid.
That nigga was paranoid of COVID.
He had his gloves. He had his mask.
He got the shield for extra protection.
Then he started fucking with this chick,
and she gave him gonorrhea
because he ain't put the condom on.
He has a pre-existing medical condition.
Know what it is? He's a stupid motherfucker.
Protect every part of your body but your cock.
Stupid motherfucker.
Walmart took care of me.
I ain't gonna front.
Walmart gave me a grip.
They gave me-- they gave me so much money,
I could roll my eyes at white people.
I mean, I made them motherfuckers change
their whole fleet of trucks.
They side view mirror now says,
"Nigga may appear closer than it seems."
They think they done paying me, but we'll see.
I'll start acting fucked up in four years.
They're gonna hear from my attorney.
Tracy tried to fuck his Doberman Pinscher,
and we won $5 million.
The dog won $2 million for pain and suffering.
I don't give a fuck, man.
But you all got problems.
Everybody in this room got trauma.
Everybody in this fucking room got trauma.
Something happened to everybody in this room.
Everybody in this fucking room,
I don't care how cool you look, you got trauma in your life.
You went to camp when you was little?
Did you go to camp?
You went to camp? You got finger popped?
Now every time you see a tree, you get triggered?
We all got fucking baggage.
Everybody in this fucking room got baggage.
Mine's just happened to be Louis Vuitton.
Speaking of Louis Vuitton, see, I can't--
it's hard for me to date women now
because they all know I got money.
Everybody know I got hit by the truck.
Everybody know that.
I thank the Lord it was Walmart and not Walgreens.
I had one chick go and text me in CashApp
talking about-- she just said, $3,000, help.
Now, I'm a generous man.
You can't just fucking call me, ask for money.
You must have a good story.
I had one fucking chick called me up and said,
"Listen, my son Craigo
"just shot a cop in Paterson, New Jersey.
He's on the run. He's coming straight to you."
I gave her $4,000 immediately.
It was a great story.
She had a great story to it.
I mean, one time, my fucking business manager
gonna call me and say, "Tracy, did you just give
a random woman $4,000?"
I texted him back the emoji like this.
I don't care, man.
I've been fucking divorced twice.
My business manager said,
"If you get married three more times,
the fifth divorce is free."
So we working that out.
It's just hard on the streets.
It's hard to be sexy in your 50s.
It's hard!
If you're in your 50s, you know it's hard
because shit starts to change.
You develop that fucking gut.
She's gonna develop that FUPA.
She's gonna get that fat over pussy, that girth,
that grandmother girth.
She gotta sit with her legs open
because she got that girth.
I mean, she an old woman now.
She got that fucking girth.
She gotta sit like this.
Pregnant women, you know, they get up.
When they get up, they put their pussy first.
They go...
Get that girth. It's hard.
I'm out there. I know.
And if you don't believe how hard it is
to be sexy in your 50s, ask Bobby Brown,
because Bobby Brown was--
he one of the sexiest motherfuckers
in the world one time, right?
Bobby starts singing.
White women, Black women, Latin women, they love Bobby.
♪ The truth about a Roni ♪
♪ She's a sweet little girl ♪
♪ You could treat her right, real nice ♪
♪ And hold her tight ♪
Women went crazy.
Now that nigga look fucked up.
He from out here.
He look busted.
That nigga look like Buster Douglas.
That nigga look like Reverend TD Jakes
in the group.
That nigga look fucked up.
I mean, New Edition was doing they shit at the concert.
That nigga Bobby look fucked up.
He was struggling.
That nigga's stomach was all big.
Nigga was breathing heavy, out of shape.
Nigga's clothes didn't fit.
This nigga thought he was young Bobby
on the stage talking about--
♪ They say I'm crazy ♪
♪ I really don't care ♪
♪ That's my prerogative ♪
♪ They say I'm crazy ♪
♪ I really don't care ♪
Know what? This one was doing their shit!
This nigga Bobby was all out of shape,
all fucked up, breathing heavy,
leaning on a drum set.
♪ They say I'm crazy ♪
♪ I really don't care ♪
They were fucked up.
Y'all women hear that shit?
That's an aphrodisiac, like oysters.
Nigga was fucked up.
I ain't never seen a belly button
that fucking deep.
This nigga belly button was deep.
You could get discharge on your arm
fucking this nigga in the stomach.
You find all kind of shit in this belly button--
dice, change, old pictures of Whitney.
This nigga belly button was fucking deep.
Fuck that. I love discharge.
I like when that shit drop in your panties.
I put that shit on my salad.
It look just like Parmesan.
Al Green was at the concert, y'all.
Al Green showed up.
That nigga Al Green was sexy back in the day.
♪ Love and happiness ♪
♪ Something that can make you do wrong, make you do right ♪
That nigga was singing, but he had hernia balls.
Hey had my grandfather balls.
How the fuck your scrotum get that big?
The balls was little, but the scrotum was huge.
The fuck?
My grandfather balls.
I never want my grandfather balls.
I don't want that shit. I want my shit.
That's why I soak my balls in olive oil every night.
Get that inflammation out of there.
Gotta get that inflammation out of there, goddammit!
Yeah, from my grandmother, she talked
about my grandfather balls all the time.
"Your grandfather had some big-ass balls."
"Grandma, I don't wanna talk about grandpa balls.
Oh, fuck." "I thought you said you wanted
to know your family tree, where you come from."
"Yes, I wanna know where I come from."
"You come from your grandfather's big-ass balls."
I don't wanna do that shit.
I want my balls to look right, tight like I'm 16.
I mean, I got a pretty dick, too.
You know, a pretty dick.
The shaft is skinny, but the head is bulbous.
Big, bulbous dick head.
I got some mean dick.
The mouth of my dick look like this.
Mean dick, hit you with the mean dick, goddamn it.
You want some mean dick?
I don't fuck around.
I don't fucking pull out, goddamn it.
I told y'all that.
My grandfather teabagged my grandmother one time
and put her in a fucking coma for six months.
She came out the coma.
He went up to the hospital and teabagged her again,
put her in another fucking coma.
The doctor said, "Down goes Frazier."
Hey, I'm from Brooklyn.
I'm from Brooklyn, but it ain't where you from,
it's where you're at.
I'm out here and bossin' with y'all.
I love y'all, man.
I'm from Brooklyn, man.
Brooklyn in the house.
You could go to Russia.
They know about Brooklyn, nigga.
Motherfuckers from Brooklyn. Brooklyn is changing.
Brooklyn is becoming gentrified.
Brooklyn is becoming ge-- if you in this room,
and you don't know what gentrification is,
gentrification is when white people
move into your neighborhood,
the property value goes through the roof,
and niggas gotta move out.
I'm sorry, that's just the way the fuck it is.
But since I got hit by that truck,
I'm doing something I never did before.
I'm moving into your fucking neighborhood.
And the property values are gonna plummet.
Rock fucking bottom.
And I'm getting all y'all daughters pregnant.
Gonna be a lot of mulatto kids running around
this fucking neighborhood.
And I'm a good daddy.
I'll come back every ten years and say,
"I'm your fucking daddy, nigga.
Your mama upstairs?"
I'm in my neighborhood.
My fucking white neighbors are heated.
Why the nigga moving next door to me,
bringing my property value down?
One of them gonna knock on my door the other day,
talking about, "So what do you do?"
I said, "About what?"
I know the nigga ain't know who I was.
So I said, "You know the straws you drink
your Coca-Cola with at McDonald's?"
He said, "Yeah." I said, "I make those."
He said, "Great, I make the lids.
We should hook up." I said, "Fuck you.
Tray don't hang out with lid makers."
I'm serious, man.
My fucking-- I don't-- as we speak right now,
I don't got a GED.
But you know what I just found out
I live right next door to?
I live right next door to the CEO of Pepsi.
The CEO of Pepsi, she's an Asian woman.
And she came over to my house with a housewarming gift.
And I was thrown
'cause one of the most kindest things
anyone has ever done for me.
And I told her, "First off, I love you.
"I wish to be a good neighbor to you.
"I won't start no trouble.
"And if you ever need to borrow a cup of sugar,
"and your husband is not home...
"please don't hesitate to knock on my door,
because you can get some sugar and some mean dick."
And then I told her, "It would be an honor
for me to one day get hit by one of your trucks."
Fuck that, Walmart.
Pepsi, nigga, I'm paid.
Walmart and Pepsi?
I'm paid.
Paid in full.
Or to the beat, beat, check it out.
I come from a great, great family,
but they were a little dysfunctional.
My family was crazy.
My fucking Aunt Lorraine-- like I told you,
it was hard to date in your 50s.
My Aunt Lorraine, she's 54 years old,
can't get a man, can't keep a man.
So she's gonna start watching
that "Life After Lockup" shit.
She start watching her "Life"--
so now she only fucked with men in prison.
I said, "What the fuck is wrong with you, Lorraine?
"All these free men out here.
Why don't you date one of them?"
She gonna tell me, "At least I know where mine is at."
"Lights out at 9:00 for mine.
He might be cheating, but it ain't with no woman."
Fucked up family.
Then there's my Uncle Clyde.
This motherfucker been in prison for 38 years.
Who the fuck does that?
38 years?
Come on, 38 years.
And he wrote me a letter, and I received it
when I was in the hospital.
And it said, "Dear Tracy, you're a prince.
"My brother Jimmy did a great job with you.
"I'm glad you're healing and you're getting well.
"And when I find out which truck driver hit you,
I will kill him."
Now we know why you're doing 38 years, you son of a bitch.
"P.S., I'm graduating high school.
Come see me."
You did 38 years in prison
and you're just getting your GED?
Come on.
So I draw up to see the nigga.
I'm gonna make a connection with him.
I don't know him. 38 years in prison.
I don't know who the fuck you are.
You ain't been a part of my life.
So let me go up there and see this nigga.
So I drove over to the prison, Elmira State Penitentiary.
I went up there to see the nigga.
I get up there, and the prison system got these niggas
so programmed and fucked up,
they got them actually thinking
they gonna get their diploma and go off to college.
That's not gonna happen.
You gonna get this fucking piece of paper,
and you gonna take yours back to your cell.
It's fucked up.
It got weirder and weirder as I was getting--
you know you graduate high school.
You got your cap and gown on, right?
But underneath, these niggas got the state-issued greens.
And you graduate.
You throw your cap up in the air.
Yeah, I graduated!
One nigga got stabbed to death.
It's fucked up. They got these niggas.
They murderers. They kidnappers.
They rapists.
They fucking extortion-- all these motherfuckers
on a stage singing a graduation song, crying.
These fucking killers is crying.
They up there,
♪ How do I ♪
♪ Say goodbye ♪
♪ To what we had? ♪
I said, "Let me get the fuck out of here,
"'cause one of these murderers is off key,
and he's fucking up the song."
I feel like I'm on my living room with my family, y'all.
Yeah!
- Word up, being funny.
We got '80s babies in here?
We got anybody born in the '80s in here?
Make some noise!
You was born in the '80s.
The '80s.
If you was born in the '80s, you are a fucking crack baby.
You fucking crack babies.
You know you're a crack baby.
Look in the mirror, say, "I'm a crack baby."
Fucking crack baby.
Everybody in this room got a crackhead in they family.
I don't give a fuck what color you are,
what class you are, or nothing.
You got a crackhead in your family.
What happened to your ColecoVision?
You know exactly what happened to that microwave.
Gone!
You know crackheads steal shit,
anything that ain't nailed down.
I had a crackhead in my family. His name was DeAndre.
You know you're a crackhead when it's an announcement
you come to the house.
My aunt was like, "Everybody, DeAndre's in the driveway."
My other aunt said, "Let me get my purse.
"He ain't gonna get me again. He ain't gonna get me again.
"He got me for 40 fucking dollars.
He ain't gonna get me again."
My other aunt was like, "Give him a second chance."
"Bitch, I gave him five second chances.
He stole my son's Tyco Nite Glow racetrack."
My other aunt was, "He ain't gonna change."
You ain't got that aunt that say, "He ain't gonna change."
"He ain't gonna change. He ain't gonna change!
He ain't gonna change."
She made a song of that shit.
♪ He ain't gonna change ♪
I said bitch, please.
- Trace, tell 'em about your gay boy.
- Nigga, shut the fuck up!
Fucking tell me what to say up here, nigga.
Shut the fuck up.
Be happy you in the front, nigga.
Yell out at a fucking taping, nigga.
Nigga waiting for that moment.
"Yo, Tray, tell them about"--
Shut the fuck up.
Stop looking at my shit.
This is something new.
You know, white America is losing they fucking mind again.
Y'all losing your mind 'cause the Little Mermaid is Black.
You saw the fucking commercial.
The Little Mermaid is a nigga.
The Little Mermaid is Black.
It's racist to think that we can't do what you do.
It ain't like she's gonna jump
in the water to save nobody.
She just got her hair done.
And she is not fucking up her perm.
What she will be doing is sitting on the rock,
arguing with Aquaman over child support.
You need to come see your fucking daughters,
Aquaman, Mr. Fucking Aquaman.
You swimming around with sharks and dolphins and shit.
You need to come see your fucking daughter, Aquaman.
Batman been wanting my fucking phone number.
I know I shoulda gave this pussy to Shazam.
Cinderella's next.
Cinderella gonna be wearing box braids.
Some nigga name Leon gonna pick her up in the Cadillac
and take her up to the rib shack.
White people call her Cinderella.
We call her Peaches.
I'm just glad the holidays are over.
I get stressed out with the fucking holidays.
Fucking--Chris-- I don't celebrate Christmas.
Santa Claus real name is Kurt.
He's a registered sex offender out of Salt Lake City, Utah.
Fucking pervert.
That's why he hang out in malls with kids on his lap.
His wife's name is Yvette.
She sucked my dick in Queens.
She used to be a stripper.
Fuck that bitch, man.
Fucking Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Everybody here know why his fucking nose was red.
That's that cocaine.
Straight from fucking Bolivia, ain't even been stepped on.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
That's why they won't let him play the little reindeer games:
because he gonna fucking hurt somebody out there.
He's coked out his fucking mind.
He gonna hurt somebody out there.
Certain holidays should be outlawed.
Certain ho--like Halloween.
Just recently, it was in YouTube.
It was all over Instagram.
A six-year-old child shot a teacher.
What fucking kind of world are we living in?
And you want these motherfuckers
to trick or treat at your house?
This past October,
one came and trick or treated at my house.
He ain't even say, trick or treat.
He's supposed to be a ghost, but his sheet was black.
I said, "Who the fuck is you?" He said, "I'm a ghost."
I said, "Why your sheet is black?"
He said, "I'm keeping it real."
This nigga ain't even say "trick or treat."
He just show me the gun. "The bag, nigga."
"Put the candy in the bag, nigga,
before I blow your fucking..."
You can't do that shit.
I gotta let my ladies know that I'm dating again.
I'm dating again.
I'm dating again, man.
My divorce was finalized.
I don't know what y'all females gonna do
with all this dick back out on the market.
I'm dating again. I'm on Tinder.
My Tinder profile is a Walmart truck
dropping off a bag of money on my front lawn.
That's the profile.
I'm a grown man now.
I know what I want in a woman.
I see all the beautiful lady--
I know what I want in a woman.
My woman has to have low integrity.
Low integrity.
I once dated a woman with integrity,
and she was nothing but fucking trouble.
Always had to fucking answer to shit.
She got to have the low self-esteem.
My lady need low self-esteem.
Her shit gotta be down.
She gotta have serious daddy issues.
She's gotta have a strong fucking neck...
good knees.
She need good knees.
And she gonna be down there, so she need them good knees.
Strong knees, you know what I mean?
Good fucking knees.
Take a long time for me to come.
You're gonna be down there for a minute.
Pack your lunch and all of that.
You're gonna suck this dick.
Your jawbone gonna swell up.
I'm just tired of women telling me
about all of their accomplishments.
"I have an associate's. I have a bachelor."
I be like, "Bitch, are we fucking?
"I ain't getting in bed with you to get no knowledge.
Trying to get this dick sucked, and I got a pretty dick."
I mean, I appreciate it.
There are women in the world that broke the glass ceiling.
They want equal pay.
They want equal rights.
They want equal respect.
And I applaud you.
I applaud you.
But that's not the chick I want.
I'm looking for that gold-digging bitch in the club.
She missin' an eyelash, a fucking broken wing,
missing a stiletto.
She got dry vomit on her halter top.
That's the bitch I'm trying to get into the car.
Come on, baby, I got you. Let's go.
Come on, now. Come on.
I got you. I got that.
That's the bitch. If you're looking
for a Birkin life with no self-respect,
I'm your one-stop shop.
That's me.
I see a lot of couples in here.
I see a lot of couples here.
Y'all look beautiful.
Stay that way, you know?
Stay that way, you know I mean?
My Black girls, my Latin girls, my Asian girls,
my white girls.
♪ Freaks all over the world ♪
I love my freaks, man. Y'all look good together.
It's couples, man. I remember--
I remember having my first girlfriend.
I was about 18, 19 years old.
My first girlfriend, she was the little cutie,
little red bone, had deep, fucking dimples,
had long black hair.
She had green eyes.
She had green fucking eyes.
Only thing fucked up with Dawn was that she had a wooden arm.
Her hand looked like she was holding a cart.
Boy, that was my fucking baby girl.
I remember one time I was caressing her shoulders,
and I got a splinter.
A fucking wooden arm.
Her mom's go to work at night.
Me and her jump right in the shower.
We get out of the shower.
I put lotion all over my body for her.
I was being sexy, put lotion-- this bitch was over there
spraying Pledge.
Went through two cans spraying that Pledge.
That was my baby girl. We used to go out to party.
We used to party hearty.
DJ be like, "Throw your hands in the air.:
This bitch be like, "Hey."
"Wave it like you just don't care."
You know when Black girls get to weaving they hair,
they get the weave pat, right?
This bitch almost knocked herself out
with that weave pat.
We had a bad breakup.
I took my wooden arm back and made a coffee table.
I see a lot of couples in here. Y'all look good.
Hey, everybody got their preference.
Everybody got they preference.
I see all y'all.
Everybody got their preference, you know?
I got my own. I love Dominican women.
I love--
Ooh, see, they all around.
The DR right here.
That's DR.
You from Sosua?
That's DR. I love DR.
It's something about a Dominican woman
when they go, "Ay, papi."
"Ay, papi."
That get my dick so fucking hard.
She like, "Ay, papi."
I'm remember one time, I was having dinner
with this Dominican woman,
and she ain't appreciate the fact that she was having
dinner with Tracy Morgan.
She's gonna say to me, "papi,
I need $1,080 to pay my rent."
I said, "That's where you fucked up from the gate.
"You fucking the wrong nigga.
You should be fucking your landlord."
She said, "Ay, papi."
I said, "Let me pay this bitch rent.
"Fucking around with this shit.
Goddamn it. What you need, two months?"
One time, I met this fucking Dominican woman.
Just got off the boat, ain't speak
no fucking English, not a drop.
So in my mind, I said, "Ooh,
"I could talk nasty to this chick
"and she won't even understand.
So I said to her, "I'ma eat your pussy till I burp."
She said, "Sí, sí, sí, sí."
I said, "Then I'ma make you suck
this big bulbous dickhead."
She said, "Sí, sí, sí, sí."
I said, "Then I'ma fuck the shit out of you."
She said, "Sí, sí, sí."
And then she said, "Then you gonna give me
$1,080 to pay my rent."
I go "Oh, shit!
She know how to talk English quick."
She said, "Sí, sí, sí, sí."
I love Dominicans, man.
I spend more money on Dominicans
than the Yankees spend on their farm team.
I love them from DR. I'm divorced now, so I'm free.
I got two women in my life that I'm dealing with,
one Black and one Dominican.
My Latin lover, she calls me her mi amor.
She says, you are my mi amor.
My Black woman goes, "This nigga!"
I'm telling you, I had to let one--one time,
I had to let a Dominican woman go.
She reprogrammed my fucking remote control
to all Spanish.
I don't want to look at "The First 48" in subtitles.
How the fuck I'ma know who shot Trayvon seven times
in front of the 7-Eleven in Memphis?
Fucking wanna read.
That's why I dropped out of high school.
I ain't feel like reading.
I'm telling you, man, Dominican women.
I love a Domi-- but no more young girls.
- Papi! - No more young girls.
No more--there's a young Black--
they wiling out back there.
Fucking young girls.
Young girls, they want too much for $2.
$2. Come on, man.
Young girls is aggressive,
and they know what the fuck they want.
I have one say, "I'm not fucking around, okay?
"I want my eggs cracked, meaning I want a child.
"I want my name dropped, meaning I want to be married.
"I'm not fucking with you, okay?
"I'm not your bed maiden.
"I'm not your maid.
"I'm not your floozy.
"I'm not your other bitch.
"I'm gonna need something
"a little bit more substantial from you.
"Now, I know I'm not all there.
"Sometimes I wig out.
But I know one thing: I am good to you."
And then I told her,
"I just want a Big Mac, small fries, and a Coke.
"I don't know you. I don't know your life.
"I just would like a Big Mac, small fries, and a Coke.
"Please put napkins in the bag
"and give me six extra barbecue sauces
because my daughter just ordered some chicken nuggets."
"That's all I want."
No more fucking young girls.
Young girls is crazy.
They either wanna go to the club and dance all night,
or they wanna go home and fuck.
Now, I'm 54 years old.
I ain't got the energy for that shit.
It's either one or the other.
You want to go to the club and dance all night?
Cool.
You get two songs, and one of them better be slow.
You want to go home and fuck,
you get six strokes and a bullshit excuse.
You know I got shit to do the morning.
Craig and them bringing that truck down,
and, we got to move all that furniture off the block.
I don't fuck with no more young girls.
I don't even go to strip clubs no fucking more.
I'll be in the strip club pushing females
off my fucking lap.
The fuck off my lap!
You know my sciatica is acting up.
I told you last night it was gonna flare up.
God dammit, don't fucking play with me.
But I must say some of y'all look good in them fucking--
them jogging pants, them yoga--
them fucking tight and--
some of y'all look good.
Some of y'all good in them yoga pants.
I'ma tell you, man, with the hips
and the thighs and the ass and fucking camel toe.
I don't want a camel toe.
I want an elephant foot.
I want a wildebeest hoof.
I want an alligator paw.
I had one girl, her feet was bad.
You gotta have pretty feet for me.
As a woman, your feet gotta be impeccable.
You can't come in and take your shoes off in my house,
and your fucking feet look like fucking monkey hands.
I don't want that.
Chimpanzee hands.
And if your feet is pretty,
I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you doggy style.
I'ma give you the baboon ass.
That shit go into that big pink baboon ass.
I'm changing over a new leaf.
I'm changing over a new leaf now, man.
No more young girls.
I only wanna fuck with old broads,
75, 80.
Old broads.
She takes her teeth out before she suck your dick.
That's what I want.
I love an old fucking broad.
Ooh, old broads.
Oh my god, she smoked Pall Mall cigarettes,
no filter.
Old school.
She got an old broad name like Blanche or Beatrice.
Old broad.
She got that fucking Louis Armstrong cough.
Her voice, she talk like...
"How you doing, Tracy?
"I love you, baby.
"Let me get my cigarettes, please.
I love you, baby."
She got that old woman voice.
"I love you, baby."
I say some funny shit, she started laughing.
♪ I see trees of green ♪
♪ Red roses too ♪
♪ Sky's got a bloom for me and you ♪
♪ And I think to myself, what a wonderful world ♪
Old fucking broad, that's my shit.
She got them fucking varicose veins
everywhere, blue veins.
I love white titties and blue veins.
I love white titties 'cause they look like lunch meat.
Got fucking varicose veins everywhere,
even the back of her legs.
I was fucking this old broad one time.
The back of her legs looked like a map of the 1700s.
I love that shit.
I love a old broad.
I fucked this--I told my brother the other day,
I fucked this old broad so hard one time, I put her to sleep.
My brother said, "Nigga, she was asleep
"before y'all started.
She was just taking a nap, nigga."
I love a old broad.
She suffers from emphysema,
pushing that fucking oxygen tank around all fucking day.
She wear one of these shits right here.
Love a old fucking broad.
Old broad got big clits.
You ever seen an old broad clit?
It looked like little ding-a-ling down there.
Her clit look like steak.
That's that gravity pulling on.
Used to be innie, now it's an outie.
Big clit.
The gravity pulling it down on it.
Just like dick.
When you was in high school, that dick get hard.
Remember when your dick used to get hard?
You faint off the rope in gym because your dick get hard.
But then you get in your 50s, your shit get flaccid.
It still get thick, but it don't get hard.
It just be flaccid.
And old broads, they freaks.
Wheaty beaty bing-bong freaks.
They love the 69.
Old broads sit on your face.
And she put that big clit down your throat,
you gonna be gagging.
Every time you gag, your butthole close.
Your mascara run.
Your eyes get watery.
You take that clit out your mouth.
You got that long spit chained connected to it.
She at the other end, sucking on your big flaccid dick.
Look like she got a mouth full of Laffy Taffy.
Mouth full of bubblegum.
I fucked an old broad so hard one time,
her Apple Watch detected a car crash.
Old broads got big pussy lips, big pussy lips.
Old broad got them big pussy lips.
She got them old broad pussy lips.
Her pussy lips look like the sleeve of a wizard.
Look like Merlin's sleeve.
You gag.
What is this sorcery?
There's something magical happening here.
Old broads got deep pussy queefs.
Some of y'all know.
Y'all know what a queef is.
Y'all heard it.
We love that queef.
We like, yeah, talk to me, goddamn it.
That old broad sit on your big, flaccid dick.
All you gonna hear is--
She too old to bounce on it, so she gonna rock on it.
Sound like a Saint Bernard sleeping by the fireplace.
Long, deep queef.
A old broad can multitask.
Old broads can multitask.
She be riding that dick.
Ooh, I got a brisket in the oven.
She baste that brisket, then sit back
on that flaccid dick.
Remind me to turn that off in 20 minutes.
I fucked a old broad wearing a Life Alert one time.
"What is your emergency? This is Life Alert."
"Yeah, I just sat on a big black flaccid dick,
and I can't get up."
You sick son of a bitches.
I know what my calling is.
I know what I'm supposed to be doing on this Earth.
I know why he spared my life in that accident
because I'm supposed to be here making y'all laugh.
Let's share a laugh.
Before we leave this motherfucker, let's laugh.
Who the fuck wanna live in a world without Tracy Morgan?
Who wanna do that?
Could you imagine me doing anything else?
- No.
- Could you imagine me working
in an emergency room in a hospital?
- Hell, no!
- Doctor be like, "Tracy, we have to get this patient
into emergency stat."
"Man, don't fucking yell at me.
"I don't give a fuck about that doctor shit.
"Don't be fucking yelling at me, man.
"I got 15 more minutes on my lunch break.
"That nigga broke both his legs. Where the fuck he going?
"Fucking yell at me. That's that bullshit.
It's the same reason why I left Foot Locker."
This is not my first job.
I used to work at McDonald's just like y'all.
Young nigga trying to earn money.
Worked right at McDonald's.
Let me tell you something, my manager was pussy.
I had that nigga under pressure, Brooklyn style.
I had him under pressure.
I was filling out the application.
"Tracy, do you wanna drop fries,
"do you wanna make Big Macs,
or do you wanna take out garbage?"
I said, "Nigga, I need to be on the cash register.
How the fuck else I'ma get paid?"
Yo, my cash register came up short $76 every fucking day.
He gonna say, "Tracy, you're short again."
I said, "Are you trying to say I'm stealing, nigga?
Huh, huh, huh, huh?"
Said "No, but you're making the same mistake every day."
Just like Red Lobster. Fuck Red Lobster.
Try to get me to sing "Happy Birthday"
to niggas I don't know.
I don't even know these niggas.
I ain't signing no fucking "Happy Birthday"
to these niggas, man. I ain't no singer.
You want to singer, hire one of the Temptations, nigga.
What? I must sing?
My sing--I must sing?
♪ They say I'm crazy ♪
♪ I really don't care ♪
Happy birthday, motherfucker.
Tell y'all something, man.
If y'all niggas see me dancing in my drawers
in my kitchen on TikTok, all that Walmart money is gone.
I tricked all of that shit up.
Y'all remember--y'all remember when Dave my man--
my main man Dave Chappelle got attacked
while he was performing on stage?
And everybody said that dude went crazy.
Yeah, I get it. I went crazy, too.
I just did 12 minutes on fucking an elderly woman.
And I wrote that shit when I was quarantining.
Yo, listen, COVID did a number on all of us.
Thank the Lord we outside now.
Niggas ain't got no mask on.
We doing it.
To me, shit is normal again.
You can eat pussy without getting sick.
Left that nigga in the house for three years
looking at Instagram, looking at Instagram.
Everything on Instagram is a fucking lie.
If you were here right now, you're looking at Instagram
and you fucking glued to that shit,
you're watching a lie.
That shit is a lie.
DJ Khalid is not that fucking happy.
That nigga just as miserable as all of us.
He's not.
Everybody on Instagram act like they could tell you
some shit that can make your life more successful.
Bullshit. Look at me.
Look at me! I had my first son at 17, okay?
I dropped out of high school.
My father died of AIDS.
I sold crack.
I got arrested a few times.
And on top of all of that shit,
I got hit by a fucking Walmart truck.
Now, I'm not in here telling nobody
to drop out of high school and not get their education
and get hit by Walmart truck.
But look how your boy turned out.
Yo, I love you. My name is Tracy Morgan.
Please give my love. Thanks for coming out.
And thank you for letting me be me.
♪ ♪
- ♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back
♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪
♪ Well the names have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪
- ♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪
- ♪ Back here where we need you ♪
- ♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
- ♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
- ♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
- ♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
- ♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
- ♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
- ♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪
- ♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
- ♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
- ♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪