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[upbeat playful music]
*
Hi, I'm Larry Constable.
I live in Prince Edward Island.
It's a beautiful place.
Scenery, woo! Unreal.
It's like living in a postcard.
But guess what?
I'm a private investigator.
Yep, I'm a PEI PI.
I'm the only one on the island.
I've got the market cornered.
I'm currently living in my office,
but it's a multipurpose building.
Multi.
And I did some pretty extensive training too.
That week nearly killed me, man.
My hobbies include reading,
the mysteries of outer space,
going for relaxing scenic drives.
Larry!
[Larry gasps]
Great start to the day.
Reset.
There you are you little stinkers!
Larry VO: And golf.
And then there's, uh, my best friend Blair.
Where in the fuck did that go?
Blair: Ha! Found one.
Oh, piece of shit ball.
It's not mine. Fuck!
Larry VO: Blair has a terrible slice,
but he does provide comfort on the darker days.
I thought I was gonna make the world a better place.
Helping people-
Seein' lotsa horny stuff.
I thought I was gonna be hot shit on a silver platter.
But no, I am cold piss on a paper plate.
You're not cold piss.
I am.
I am cold piss.
Larry VO: [sighs] And that's my ex-wife Brenda.
How can I stay mad at you, heartbreaker?
Larry VO: I know what you're thinking,
being a private eye must be pretty glamorous work.
Well, it is and it isn't.
The cases are never, like, good.
Larry: Alright, ya dirty snake,
let's see what you're hidin'.
Bingo!
[tractor rumbling]
Oh, Christ's sake.
Hey! Get! Shoo!
Move! Move! Go around me!
God damn it!
Move the tractor! - What?
Move tractor! -What?
Oh my God! [camera clicking]
Larry! Larry!
Ah, fer fuck sake!
Larry, you asshole!
Get up!
Are you spyin' on me again?
You stole Auntie Karen's casserole dish, Bruno!
You rotten prick!
I'm your cousin, Larry!
Yeah, but that casserole dish
has sentimental value for Auntie Karen.
Yeah? Sentimental value? - Yes.
You wanna see sentimental value?
[glass shattering] [Larry sighs]
Bruno: Another potluck ruined!
You're not invited to Tabitha's birthday next week.
Piece of shit!
Farmer: Will you get the hell off my land so I can get on w'it?
[scoffs] Doreen does it again.
[soft rock music]
*
[engine rumbling]
[soft rock music continues]
* I don't mind if the sun don't shine
* I don't mind
* I don't care if the sun gone there
* I don't care
* That's fine
* No cares
* Sunshine, I'll be there
* Rain or shine, I don't mind
* Simply I don't care
* Moon or rain, shine, I'll be there *
* Come in, sit down, get cozy *
Larry VO: Being a private eye on a small island
wasn't without its challenges.
Auntie Karen [on phone]: Well he said you broke it.
What? He said I broke it? He's a liar!
Larry VO: But little did I know the universe was gonna shine down
on old Larry when the richest man in all of PEI
walked through my door.
Larry: It goes without saying you make wicked cinnamon rolls,
Auntie Karen, that's not what this is about.
I can't get gas for my van with cinnamon rolls.
All right, maybe put 'em in the oven.
Hello?
Auntie Karen [on phone]: Do you want the cinnamon rolls or not?
Uh, put 'em in the oven.
Hello?
[toilet flushing]
G'day, how are ya?
Larry Constable.
Ah, Luke Thorne.
Woo, that's not the office.
[Larry chuckling]
Larry: Thornald, you said?
Luke: Thorne.
Thorne, eh, okay.
Who's yer father?
You're a real private investigator, huh?
Larry: Oh yeah, the real deal.
Yeah. I'm the only one on the island,
so I got the market cornered.
[Larry chuckling]
Yeah, I bet.
Larry: Have a seat, Mr. Thorne.
Get comfortable.
Ah, a golfer, huh?
Where do you play?
Dewy Meadows.
Ah, I've been a member there since I was a kid.
Unreal.
No wonder. Dewy Meadows.
It's cow pasture.
I'm a member of Foxbush.
Now that's a real golf course.
But Dewy Meadows, the scenery,
nothing beats it.
The sunset looks like a melted popsicle.
Larry, have a look at that.
It's my wife Nicole, married seven years.
She's the love of my life.
Well, she's friendly looking.
A friendly looking gal you got there. [chuckles]
Luke: Friendly looking?
Look closer, Larry.
She's a goddamn smoke show.!
Come on.
And, uh, that's our cottage.
Well, that's quite the spot.
The cottage is a smoke show.
Whew! Smoke show cottage!
Yeah, it's up in Sandbar Cove.
I don't get there much though 'cause I'm on the road for work.
Oh yeah, what work you at?
Thorne Seafood.
I buy seafood all over the Maritimes.
At Sandbar Cove there's this hotshot, hick fisherman
named Glenn Misener.
And he's taking his lobster right off the wharf
and he's selling it to a black market buyer.
Now all the other fishermen
are starting to do the same thing.
And that's costing me a lot of dough, Larry.
What I need you to do is find out
who's buying Glenn's lobster.
His boat's called "The Top Stamp."
Here's, um, thousand bucks to start.
Just a little taste.
Larry: Just a little taste?
Whoa [chomping].
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
[Larry belches]
Well, that's quite tasty.
Luke: Are you done?
Um...
Larry, I'm on the road for the next few days.
If you can solve this case by the time I get back,
I'll throw in an extra five grand as a bonus.
Plus I'll pay your expenses.
I'll also get you off that cow pasture
and onto a real golf course.
How 'bout that?
Larry, you don't use this van
when you're out on surveillance, do ya?
It's got your fuckin' face on the side.
[chuckles] No, no. Jeezus, no. That?
That's my advertising rig.
It'd be something foolish to drive around in that
as a surveillance van, yeah-
Larry, I got one rule, okay?
Don't ever bullshit me!
That's my rule, too.
See you in a few days.
Blair: Cow pasture?!
Fuck him cow pasture.
Does he know about scenery?
'Cause take a look around big fella.
Soak that beauty in.
Yeah, but scenery is not the point, Blair.
A thousand bucks to start!
He goes,
[in lower voice] "Hey, this is just a taste."
[in normal voice] Some taste!
I was stuffed!
[chomping] Mmm!
Rich prick.
He probably can't get it up.
It's always that, it's the dick.
And when do you start?
Tomorrow morning.
Bright and early.
Blair: Oh yeah?
Well look, you can forget about trucking across
hell's half acre every day, all right?
Get yourself a motel room up there.
Is that ethical though?
It's like the middle of the summer.
They're gonna have peak season prices.
Put it on the tab!
Come on!
It's a fuckin' three hour drive!
Treat yourself!
Look, do not let this rich son of a bitch push you around.
All right?
Brenda pushed you around,
and I will not fuckin' stand for
people pushing my best friend around!
You hear me?!
Hey, you want me to call limp pecker and straighten him out?
Blair!
Fuck, no.
All right?
I got this.
Like you got the casserole dish?
Where in the fuck did that go?
* So let's not make some kind of scene
* Because I don't wanna waste my time
* Always trying to be right
* Don't really know what to do
* What's going on with you?
* What's running through your head,
* What's that last thing you said?
* You said, are you gonna waste my time?
* Are you gonna be mine?
* Easy come, easy go, so put it down and let it go
* You tell me something I don't want to know
* And I can see you through my ruby reds *
[chuckles] Unreal!
Spectacular!
[groovy rock music]
* You said, are you gonna waste my time?
* Or are you gonna be mine?
* You said, are you gonna waste my time? *
Larry [on phone]: This is ten times better
than those missing heirloom cases, Blair!
Oh yeah.
[chuckling] Shut up.
Try my first feed at Richard's here.
It's supposed to be the best fish n' chips on the island.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
It's research, Blair, research.
Yeah, they give you this little doohickey
that beeps and buzzes when your order's ready.
Chowder? No, it's too hot for chowder, Blair.
Give yer head a shake fer fuck sake.
Okay, let me get back to the job.
Oh shit! There he is!
Top Stamp!
Blair [on phone]: Who?
The fisherman!
The target!
I gotta go.
Yes, I'll let you know if it's worth the drive
for fish n' chips, Blair.
Jeezus! Tapioca!
Hey, look at you.
Hey, bad boy.
What are you doing, you dirty little stinker?
[buzzer ringing]
I'm poppin'! I'm poppin'!
Ah, shoooot!
Ugh, come on.
Ah!
It's poppin'!
My thing, it's poppin'!
Hey, I'm number 16.
Geez, you're in a panic!
Uh, yeah, uh huh. Mm hm, yep.
What you get again?
Uh, two piece fish n' chips, coleslaw and a roll.
Oh my God, darling, you must be starving!
Larry: Yeah and I'm kind of in a panic as well.
Yeah, if you don't mind.
Oh man, come on.
Oh, beauty of a day though.
Oh yeah, yeah, the sky,
it looks like an angel's ass or something.
Yeah. -Thank you very much.
Enjoy. -Oh you too.
Goddammit!
You forgot your cutlery.
Shit!
[people gasping]
* I am just another man
* I am
Rhonda: Mmhm.
[entrance bell ringing]
Rhonda: How are ya now?
[groovy music]
*
* Poolside
* You look up and we meet eyes
* Oh yeah
* I'm on it, on it
* Long time
Hi. -Hi.
Are you from around here?
You look awful familiar to me.
You look familiar to me too.
Like I've been lookin' at your face, uh, my entire life.
That's not weird to say, right?
I-I'm from up west.
Up west, okay. I know people up there.
Who's yer father?
Willie Constable?
Worked on the ferry?
I'm Larry. Larry Constable.
I'm Rhonda. Rhonda Perry.
Rhonda Perry, very nice.
Perry's are a good bunch.
[giggling] Well, you haven't met too many Perry's then!
Can I ask you a question?
Do you love soft serve ice cream?
Christ Almighty, do I ever!
Most delicious treat on a hot day.
Aside from a beer or two or ten.
[giggling] No argument there.
Ah, vanilla, chocolate dip, sparkle or flavour swirl?
Larry: Hm, now we're really peeling back the layers
of the soft serve onion.
Um [clicks his lips]...
I'm gonna have to go with uh...
All of them.
Okay!
I don't care.
I'm getting a soft serve machine for the store.
It's gonna be a game changer.
Just the juice and the gas?
Yes, and the receipt, please and thank you.
I'm keeping track of my expenses.
Rhonda: Yeah?
You up this way for work?
Can you keep a secret?
No, no.
I'm a bit of a gossip when it comes to secrets.
Well, Rhonda Perry,
you are looking at a private investigator.
You are not!
Go way with ya!
We have those on the island?
Larry: Uh, well, yeah.
Just me.
I've got the market cornered.
Wow!
Yeah, well I spend all day in my van doing,
like, really important stakeouts.
I pee in coffee cups, the whole shebang.
I'm actually down here because I'm on a big case.
You know, I see and hear all kinds of funny business
here in the store.
You wouldn't believe how many rubbers we sell
just before closing time.
Oh, wow.
Sex rubbers?
Yeah, sex rubbers.
Wow.
I get off in half an hour.
You buy me a beer,
I'll give you all kinds of dirt on Sandbar Cove.
Me and you, having a beer?
[giggling] Yeah.
Nothing better on a hot day, right?
[chuckles] Yeah.
Bar is just around the corner.
Around the corner?
[stammers] Half an hour?
Okay, well, very nice to meet you, Rhonda Perry.
[both chuckling]
Very nice to meet you too, Lar.
Well, [giggling].
You ladies ever hear of a fisherman named Glenn Misener?
Gladys: Glenn Misener?
Well now, I hear he's quite the whore, that fella.
Ha. Screwin',
fishin' and drinkin'.
And he's AC/DC too.
Swings both ways.
AC/DC? Like the rock n' roll band?
'Fluid' that's what they call it.
Always has two or three on the go.
Not too fussy.
His father's a whore as well.
Flossy: Oh, that man's as crooked as a fiddler's dick.
He's so crooked
he has to screw his socks on in the mornin'.
Yeah. -Yeah.
Uh, okay.
Well, thank you very much ladies.
And I'll let you get back to your Crazy Eights.
* I think of words whispered in my ear
* But the things you said don't linger in my head
* I know
* But I just can't forget crying all those tears *
Sorry, sorry! Hi!
Chatty Toby was late comin' in for his shift.
Oh, you got me a beer, I'm parched.
Mm, oh the beer is warm.
You have been waiting a long time.
Oh, no, no, no.
Please, waiting is what I do for a living.
Another 45 minutes to an hour's not gonna kill me. [laughs]
Ooh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
So how's your case goin'?
Oh, well, uh, today was a large one.
Large.
Got up at crow piss this mornin'
and, uh, took the scenic route here.
Beautiful.
Oh, got some intel from the locals over there.
Ah, got a feed of fish n' chips at Richard's.
Went arse over teakettle in the parking lot though,
so I had to order again,
which took a few hours but, uh, well worth the wait.
Checked into a motel-
Wow, that must've been pricey!
Peak season.
[chuckling] Yeah.
[Larry clears throat]
So the case?
Right.
Well, uh, I'm kind of breaking the PI code of ethics here,
but, uh, I got hired by this real rich fella Luke Thorne-
Luke Thorne?
He thinks he's something big.
Lives up on Wild Wood Road.
Wouldn't mind having his kind of money though.
[whispering to herself] I will have that kind of money.
I mean, I will have that kind of money.
Continue.
Right.
So, this Luke Thorne character hired me to find out
where this fisherman named Glenn Misener is selling-
You okay?
You alright?
Glenn Misener?
You wouldn't happen to know where he lives
by any chance, would you?
Me?
Glenn Misener, oh?
I dunno if I do, but if I think,
if I think long and hard about it,
maybe, well not long and hard,
more soft and average.
Ah, oh, yeah, um...
I can take you to him.
Great.
[garbled] Gonna eat any nachos?
I just ate the jalapeños.
Rhonda: He's puttin' on quite the scoff.
Corn on the cob.
New potatoes, mustard pickles.
Peepin' Tom and Tammy over here!
Look at us spyin' like a couple of creepers!
Um, actually, I try not to think about it
like being creepy.
We're "conducting surveillance".
Hm.
Did you go to school for this?
Uh, yeah.
Just a little bit.
So, um, how do you know know Glenn?
You know him well or...?
Oh, not well.
Everyone knows Glenn.
He's pretty hard to miss.
Big as a biscuit eater.
Tougher than a boiled owl.
[Larry chuckling]
Rhonda: Oh, someone's comin'.
Ooh.
Who is this fancy pants now?
Beamer, female.
Dressed like a snob.
What is this? Martha's Friggin' Vineyard?
She walks like she's rich.
Larry: You think it's a fancy pants lady?
Rhonda: Heels on grass.
You know she's rich!
Grass and heels?
Rhonda: She's goin' up the steps.
They're smoochin'! They're smoochin'!
[Nicole laughing and moaning]
Rhonda: Holy Christ Almighty!
That's Nicole Thorne!
Luke Thorne's wife! Your boss!
Larry: What? Are you serious?
That's Luke Thorne's wife?
Get your fancy camera out quick, Lar.
It looks like the screw is comin' before the scoff!
[laughing] This is a marital case now!
A marital case!
[camera beeping]
Ah Jesus, Lar!
No frickin' memory card!
Where's my bag?
Rhonda: Oh my God, hurry up, Larry!
This is gettin' dirty enough to grow potatoes in.
Larry: I can't find my...
[objects clattering]
Here it is.
I knew it was there.
This is just a joke.
Rhonda: Her two legs are up in the air!
Huh?
He's kissing her prune!
Open up!
[engine rumbling]
That was some night!
You must see that kind of thing all the time, do ya?
Larry: Big time.
Oh, I've seen all those positions before.
Upside down.
Reverse hugging upside down.
Oh, who's this?
Nobody.
I don't know who that is.
Um, that's Brenda my ex-wife.
We're divorced.
I'm divorced too.
Yeah, in my forties and startin' over again.
Confession time, Rhonda.
I'm pushing well into my forties.
So, secret revealed, Lar.
We're in our forties.
Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna call Luke Thorne
and tell him about the wife shenanigans.
Rhonda: No, no, no!
No, you should keep that to yourself
'cause you got the hard evidence now.
Get it? Hard?
[both laughing]
Hard!
Like Glenn's hard on.
I was scared of that.
That size is too big.
Mine's not small but it's not that big.
That was crazy.
We saw so much.
I bet Nicole Thorne wouldn't want her hubby
to see them dirty pics.
[chuckles] No way. Yeah.
You should say,
"Give us twenty grand or we're going to your hubby
"with the screwing shots."
I don't know, that sounds like blackmail.
Not blackmail.
Manifesting.
Manifesting?
Like my soft serve machine costs ten grand
but I can't afford that.
Manifesting is a five step plan
to turning your dreams into reality.
Like if you could manifest anything in the world right now,
what would it be?
Um, new van.
New golf clubs, for sure.
New living situation.
I'm sleeping in my office but it's a multi-purpose building.
Multipurpose. -Well there you go!
We'll be 50/50 partners!
Larry: I don't know, Rhonda.
I think I should focus on this case I'm working on here.
I work the day shift tomorrow,
so come by any time.
And don't be spyin' through my windows
from the parking lot, Lar.
Larry: Oh yeah, that's me.
Old Peepin' Larry!
Whoa!
Hard evidence!
Wow! Gotcha!
Just kidding. No, no, I won't.
Goodnight, Rhonda.
Take 'er light!
Larry: You too.
Peeping Larry?
What are you a sick twisted fuck?
Shut the fuck up!
Don't even say that shit!
[engine rattling]
God.
Whoa wee.
[light music]
*
* Everyday it's the same damn thing
* I can't catch a break, I can't get a win
* But I won't stop pushing that way up the hill
* 'Cause I got the fire
* And I got the will
* When I doubt myself, the joys seem few
* The blood, sweat and tears are clouding up my view
* Caught in a cycle, but it's no excuse
* I'm not the only one
* And there's nothing new
* I'm working hard to break these chains
* Finding freedom on my own *
Who's this stoned arsehole?
[door thudding]
[entrance bell dinging]
Morning.
Mornin'!
How are ya?
Junior: Groovy good.
Not groovy good, good and groovy.
New car?
Junior: New car?
Don't think so, dude.
Pretty sure that boat's like thirty years old?
[chuckling] New to you, I mean.
You didn't know where the gas tank was.
Yeah, I'm a little fried.
Yeah, total brain fart.
Sweet.
Goin' clam diggin'?
Junior: Yeah, I'm totally going clam digging.
Yeah, digging for clams.
You guys got some beer?
Right in front of ya.
Oh... duh. [laughs]
Okay.
Ooh, sorry.
Squeaky Magee.
You here on vacation?
Ah...yeah, well, my old man, um, my dad, my pop's papa,
ah, he has a cottage up here in, uh, Sandbar Cove.
Oh go way. Who's yer father?
My father, uh...
He's Hank.
Yeah, my dad is Hank.
Ah, I'm Junior.
Oh, you were named after your father?
Yeah, Hank-rietta.
Hanky.
Hanky for short.
Yeah. -Wait a minute...
Hank from Hamilton?
Who lives up on Wild Wood Road?
Go away with ya! I know Hank!
Oh, wow.
I didn't know Hank had any kids!
Ah, we were estranged.
It's sad, yeah.
Aw. - Yeah.
Actually, Dad, he passed.
Away.
Passed away a few days, weeks ago.
But it was in his sleep,
so, you know, it was fairly chill.
Hank from Hamilton died? -Yeah.
Oh, what a sin that is. -Yeah.
He was such a dear.
Come here to me.
Come here.
Snatch my heart out you poor little bugger.
Your father loved smokin' his darts, didn't he?
It was the ciggies what killed him.
Yeah. You know something?
I begged him to quit, but he was hooked solid!
Yeah. Yeah, addicted.
$41.60, please.
Alright, tappity-tap-tap!
Hm.
[tap beeping] [Junior whistles]
Junior: Do you know how to get up to, uh, Wild Wood Road?
I've been driving around for an hour
trying to get to Dad's cottage and, uh,
I gotta spread Papa's ashes.
So you just go up around the corner,
turn left where the old blue house used to be,
up past McQuarrie's barn,
hang a right at Potato Warehouse.
You're gonna hit some gravel road
until you come to a pile of tires.
You're using all the elements of your training now, Lar.
[twangy country music]
* Oh, I don't imagine I'll recognize *
[Larry chuckling]
Ah, hello there fine gents!
How are we today?
Perfect day to...
smoke.
Well, I am a well-off tourist, uh,
who's enjoying his first time on the island,
and I am looking to purchase a delicious,
illegal, uh, black market lobster.
Looking to pay...
$20 for some fresh lobsters.
Females preferably.
I hear that they taste, uh, delicious, the best.
You heard that, did ya there, big fella!
This fella hears a lot!
Not sure how much he tastes though.
[men chuckling]
Yeah.
I hear that, uh, Glenn Misener is, uh, quite the fisherman.
And also quite the whore, like his slut father. [laughs]
What did you just say?
Uh, Glenn Misener is quite the fisherman.
I'm Cecil Misener. His slut father.
Simmer down.
Simmer down now, Dad.
And who's this fella?
[chuckles] Hi, I'm a tourist.
Welcome to the island.
This is a nice boat.
Thanks.
Belongs to my slut father.
I'm sorry about that, uh-
No, I'm sorry about the old man.
We just love fightin' up here in Sandbar Cove.
It's in the blood.
And it's never personal.
Well, not never, but rarely.
Like you and me sittin' here chattin' away.
But tomorrow, we could be out there in that parking lot,
beatin' the livin' snot out of each other.
The next day, best of buddies again.
Yeah, there's never a bad time for fightin',
unless it's at a church picnic.
You see, we're a fairly religious bunch up here,
so no fightin' in church.
So Luke Thorne wants to know who's buying
my lobster, does he?
That cheap fucking prick!
You are gonna stop snoopin' around my wharf, you got that?
I sell my lobster to whoever wants to pay the best price.
And if Luke Thorne don't want to pay top dollar,
someone else will.
[Glenn sighs]
You ever been in love, Larry?
Ah, me? Love?
That's, uh-
I love too much.
That's my problem.
And you wouldn't believe what some people will do
for a feed of lobster around here.
[Glenn grunting]
Why is your face doing that?
I love being on a boat.
[Larry chuckling]
More boats, I say.
Duck makes friends?
That's nice.
[engine rumbling]
* I ride my car and I'm headed off all night *
* I'm looking for more trouble *
Fuck, Rhonda.
Jesus.
* I've been rockin', I've been rollin' *
Oh, hi, Lar!
Hello, Rhonda Perry.
Oh my God, Larry, what happened to your face?
Oh, I had a run-in with Glenn Misener
while I was doing some undercover work.
Oh, Glenn gave you a good goin' over did he?
Ah, yeah.
Are you all right?
How's that? Does that hurt?
Uh, that feels nice. [chuckles]
Ah, I got a feed of lobster out of it though.
Just don't know where to keep 'em
for the rest of the day, but, uh...
I can toss 'em in my fridge.
Oh. Thank you.
I can make us, uh, my seafood chowder tonight
if it's not too hot out for chowder.
Too hot? [chuckles]
It's never too hot for chowder!
Go away with ya!
Oh, gross.
Sorry about that. -That's all right.
I could eat chowder in a volcano. [laughs]
Oh, it's burning me!
I don't care, this is good. [laughs]
Okay.
My cover's blown at the wharf though,
but I got some good intel.
I think that Glenn Misener is exchanging fresh lobster
for some kind of, like, sexual favours.
Saw this phone number in his boat.
It matches this one here.
With lobster suppers?
How's your day?
Not bad.
I found out a sweet old cottager died.
His daughter came in here earlier.
She was a strange cat.
Oh yeah? -Oh.
And I made this.
I know about you banging pissers with the fisherman.
I have photos of you two "hard" at it.
Remember? I worked it back in.
Yeah, that was good.
Twenty thousand in cash and I stay quiet.
Call 902-962-9916.
Midnight sharp.
That's the number to the payphone outside.
Hardly ever gets used.
Oh, you're really going into the deep end now
are ya, Rhonda?
Twenty thousand.
Yeah, but 50/50 partners, remember?
Now we give 'em a taste of the "hard" evidence.
No, no, count me out.
Oh, you're coming! -No.
Yeah. -No.
Yeah. -Okay.
[light dramatic music]
Larry: Okay, down, down, down.
Rhonda: You see any sign of her yet?
Larry: Nope.
All clear.
Okay, good.
Uh, have you ever done anything like this before?
Not exactly like this. No.
Whoa!
What, uh, what's going on?
They might have security cameras up there!
You keep watchin'.
And if you've see Nicole, bark like a dog, okay?
[light dramatic music]
*
Whoa!
Fuck, you're so brave, Rhonda.
Wow.
[light dramatic music]
Shit!
[Larry barking]
[light dramatic music]
*
[Larry barking]
Get in. Wow!
Fuck, you're brave, Rhonda.
You were running like a gazelle!
Manifestin'.
She see the note yet?
No, she walked right by it.
Ugh.
Larry: When the cat's away, the mice will play. [laughs]
[camera clicking]
Meow.
What's takin' so goddamn long?
Larry: Three hours is not very long.
I've been on stakeouts that lasted days.
Just sittin' there.
[flies buzzing]
Well, the mosquitoes are awful wicked.
You wanna hit of this?
This is deadly stuff.
Yeah, gimme a blast.
[Rhonda coughing]
Fuck!
Oh my God, are you okay?
Are you okay? Are you okay?
Rhonda: In my mouth.
You got it in my eye.
Larry: Fuck, Rhonda, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Rhonda: It's okay.
[phone ringing]
Fuck Blair!
Shhh! Try to whisper.
Who's Blair?
No one.
An idiot.
My best friend.
What's this? [camera clicking]
What's that?
Rhonda: Look, look, look, look!
The eagle has landed!
Alright, we got about ten minutes
to make it to the payphone.
Time for me to skidaddle!
Wait, wait, wait!
You're gonna leave me here alone in the dark?
Yeah, no, no, no.
You keep watch and make sure there's no funny business.
Meet me at my house.
We're manifestin', Lar.
We came in the same rig.
I need help with my Christmas trees!
I mean, my spy trees!
Remember, call them spy trees.
What's wrong with you?
Why are you talking to yourself?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what time is it?
Oh yeah.
Are you gonna call 'em?
Hello, what have we got here?
[phone notification ringing]
Oh!
Larry: Look at these freaking love addicts, eh?
[Nicole giggling]
[phone ringing]
Yes.
Mm, make that lobster sound you make.
[squishy sounds]
Oh, yeah.
Come on, Rhonda!
[engine rumbling]
[phone ringing]
No one pick up yet? -Uh uh.
Should I just let it keep going?
[suspenseful music swells]
indistinct murmuring]
[suspenseful music]
[in gruff voice] Hello Horny Thorny.
Shh.
Hello pervert.
Rhonda: How'd you like that greasy picture?
That's just a taste of the horny shit I got on camera.
Nicole: Oh yeah? Did it turn you on watching us?
Oh, wouldn't you like to know what turns my crank?
FYI, you might wanna work on your smoochin' technique.
Ya kiss like a grandmother on graduation day.
Nicole: Is this how you get your kicks?
Blackmailing people?
I bet your hubby would be shocked to find out
that his la-di-fuckin'-da wife is banging pissers
with a dirty fisherman.
Twenty grand or I go to your hubby with the screwin' shots.
Nicole: Why only ask for twenty thousand?
Are you poor?
Who are you?
As if I'm gonna tell you that!
Twenty grand for my silence!
Nicole: No.
What?
Nicole: My husband and I are in an open marriage.
Those photos are worthless.
Open marriage.
[Rhonda chuckling]
You're bluffin'!
Nicole: I'm gonna find out who you are and when I do,
I'm gonna hurt ya.
Well, you listen to me ya little-
Operator: Please insert $1.25 for another eight minutes.
Oh but...
Await further instructions!
Take 'er light!
Fuuuuuck!
Hello?
What now?
Alright, time to motor.
Call the fuckin' private eye.
The private eye?
Fuck, you're smart.
Okay.
[phone buzzing]
Fuck Blair.
[phone buzzing]
Uh, g'day, g'day, g'day?
Mr. Constable?
This is Nicole Thorne.
I'm sorry for the late hour
but I'm an associate of Glenn Misener.
Uh huh.
Nicole: I was wondering if you could come to my cottage tomorrow?
I have an important matter that needs attention.
49 Wild Wood Road.
Just let yourself in.
[phone beeps off]
Ah, that could be possible.
Glenn: Get him, babe.
I'm gonna fuckin' get him!
[Nicole moaning]
[light dramatic music]
*
[Junior grunting] [shovel scraping]
[light dramatic music]
*
[Junior quietly mumbling]
[Junior grunting] [suspenseful music]
[Larry gasping]
[Larry silently screaming]
[Junior groaning] [suspenseful music]
Nice stuff, Hank. Let's go.
[camera clicking]
[Junior groaning] [body thumping]
[camera clicking] [suspenseful music]
[music swells]
Rhonda: Hank from Hamilton?
Larry: Yep.
Saw it with my own eyes right in front of me!
She takes out his dead body, buries him right in the dirt.
She's cryin', puffin' on a joint,
wailin'.
[whistles]
She murdered Hank from Hamilton?
Rhonda, I don't know if it's because I'm in shock,
but this is the best chowder I've ever tasted in my life!
Five pounds lobster, four pounds of scallops,
three jars of bar clams,
two halibut steaks,
a pound crab, home veggies,
sour cream,
heavy cream and evaporated milk,
salt and pepper.
I knew there was something fucked up about that Junior!
Hankrietta.
She came in and bought a shovel!
She said she was goin' clam diggin'!
Turn my stomach!
I bet you her name's not even Junior.
I put a hundred dollars on it.
[quietly] It's a stolen identity case!
Next time she comes into the store to buy beer,
I'm asking for ID!
That's a wicked idea.
Rhonda: Show me ID, Junior!
If that's your real name.
Look under 40?
I'm IDin'!
Larry: I think I should call the police.
I'm gettin' in front of my skis here.
Rhonda: No, no, no, no!
You go to the cops,
our entire manifestin' journey is frigged.
Yeah, but Rhonda, I witnessed a real crime.
Who knows what dangerous things
this Junior character's capable of.
Rhonda: She's stunned is what she is!
Stunned if she thinks she can get away with murderin'
Hank from Hamilton.
Larry: [quietly] I could be the next one in the ground!
I'm scared.
Larry, life is full of scary shit,
and you can either curl up in a ball
or you can go full tilt boogie and see how it shakes out.
Look at this!
This is my vision board.
This is the soft serve machine I've been manifestin'.
It's a Super Deluxe 6000.
This thing is gravity and pressure fed.
It does twin twists, flavour burst.
It does dipped cones.
And the margins on soft serve are through the friggin' roof.
This thing...
this thing is a licence to print money.
See all the dollars I got on there?
[light tender music]
Larry?
You should make your own vision board!
I'll get ya some magazines.
[light tender music]
Larry: Fuck, the universe is so big.
What is Larry's purpose?
What does it all mean?
What's the point?
It's telling us things, Lar.
Rhonda, thanks for the scoff.
Best chowder I've had in my life.
Hands down.
Unreal.
It'll taste even better tomorrow.
Do you think what we're doing is wrong?
Like, uh, the blackmail stuff?
You feel like it's wrong?
The Thorne's are loaded rich.
What's twenty grand to them?
They don't need that money.
I'm just tryin' to live between the ditches, you know?
Night, Lar.
Yeah, goodnight.
[soft music]
*
Now get! Before I get my broom and chase ya off my porch.
Oh ho!
Larry [on phone]: Blair, guess what? Me and Rhonda-
Blair [on phone]: Screw?
No, we didn't screw.
We kissed.
Blair [on phone]: Larry Constable back on the horse, hey?
Yeah, big time.
Blair [on phone]: Hey, a kiss doesn't count as horny stuff.
I don't care if you count that as horny stuff or not.
Oh man, but listen, her hair smells so friggin' good.
I'm pretty sure she's the woman of my dreams.
Shut up.
Yes, it's worth the drive for fish n' chips.
Okay, tapioca.
Gavin [on TV}: World famous 50 foot salad bar!
No limit!
Homemade rolls, mussels, pies and pastries.
And my favourite part,
all the delicious Prince Edward Island lobster
you can eat.
Bust a gut today!
Larry: Wow!
Spectacular!
Beautiful.
Wow.
Mr. Constable.
Oh.
Thank you for coming.
Some wicked view you have here!
Oh, I see it so often I barely even notice it anymore.
You like the ocean?
Oh fuck yeah!
I love scenery too but I'm not a big swimmer.
I hate jellyfish and, uh, seaweed brings me down.
Mm, I can't imagine a day not getting wet.
So you're-you're a big swimmer then?
You strike me as a rough and tumble sort, Mr. Constable.
The type of fellow who's not afraid of bumpin' into corners.
Ha. Well, that's me.
You nailed it. You got me pegged.
[thudding]
Nicole: Oh.
There's the couch [chuckles].
Nicole: Mhm.
Hello. [chuckles]
Why don't you come over here and sit beside me?
Larry: Sit? Yep, I can do that.
No problem.
Hm.
[both laughing]
Closer.
Don't mind if I do.
[Nicole sighs]
So, my husband hired you to snoop on Glenn Misener.
Something about a black market lobster buyer, is that it?
Must be nice eating lobster every night.
Hm, I wouldn't know.
I'm deathly allergic to seafood.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. Ah, that's a sin.
Hm.
Do you wanna know why I asked you here?
Yes please. I haven't the foggiest.
I'm being blackmailed, Mr. Constable.
And I want you to find out who the blackmailer is.
[stutters] Do you know who, who's doing that or?
I found this note on my deck.
Yeah.
Wow. This is, wow.
Brazen right on the deck.
Mmhmm, right out there.
[whistles] Twenty thousand?
Geez, that's a sin is what that is.
A sin.
Rotten arseholes.
Arseholes?
So this is the work of more than one person?
That's just a figure of speech.
This is more likely the,
the work of a lone-wolf arsehole.
Hm.
Larry: Mrs. Thorne, have you spoken with this, uh,
confused individual?
Mm.
Last night it was a woman trying to disguise her voice.
A local judging by the vernacular.
And the number traced back to a payphone.
Larry: Uh huh?
Mmhmm?
And "bangin' pissers" refers to my friendship with Glenn.
[Nicole laughing]
It's all just fun and games,
but my husband and I are going through a very messy divorce
and those photos could be costly.
He's impotent.
My husband.
Hmm.
You okay?
Larry: Yeah, a feather just blew by my nose. [laughs]
And Glenn is a nymphomaniac.
Sex means nothing to him emotionally.
And I like it that way.
And plus he's really good at it.
Mrs. Thorne, what I suggest is...
pay it?
Maybe just pay the money and then you don't have to have
all this mess in your hair?
Maybe I don't mind having a mess in my hair.
Larry: Or don't. I wouldn't.
[chuckles] No way.
Get outta here jerks.
Jerk. Just one jerk. [chuckles]
Ah, Mr. Constable,
I want the identity of the blackmailer,
the photos and the files.
If you succeed, how does $20,000 sound for your troubles?
$20,000? -Mmhmm.
That, I like that price of money cost.
Mrs. Thorne, I want you to know that I am, uh,
sensitive to these delicate, uh, situations.
I recently saw a man smash a casserole dish.
No!
Yeah, he did.
Mm, craft beer hoppy again.
How do they do it?
Mr. Constable?
Mmhmm?
This arrangement stays between the two of us.
Is that understood?
I'll give it a-a lick and a prayer.
Is that all?
That's just an old, uh, stupid expression
my grandma would say.
She's sick.
Um, Mrs. Thorne, may I ask you, uh, a personal question?
Please call me Nicole.
How much did those big windows set ya back?
Can I look out them again?
Imagine paying that much for windows?!
Who are you, Lionel Richie?
And Blair was right,
Luke Thorne does have a limp pecker!
I can't believe this is no limit lobster!
I can't believe tourists pay fifty bucks for this crap!
Uh, ahem, excuse me!
Limp pecker's paying.
Well, what about that $20,000 from Nicole Thorne?
Your soft serve machine is paid for, Rhonda!
We're the blackmailers, Lar.
What are we gonna do, turn ourselves in?
Right.
I do like your manifestin' approach, though.
Jump first, manifest the landin' later.
Really?
You think she's onto us?
Nooo, no chance at all.
I used my skills of deception to make her go,
"Huh? What?"
I knew she was bluffin' about the open marriage.
You know what?
Those dirty pictures are worth way more than twenty grand now.
Oh! I almost forgot what I found earlier today.
What's Tater Dater?
Rhonda: It's computer dating.
Lookit, that's her,
that's Junior.
You're doing this computer dating stuff then?
Rhonda: I went on a few dates
but it was full of weirdos and cousins.
[gasps] Oh my God.
It's the fella from the TV.
Rhonda: Yeah, that's the owner.
That's Gavin MacDonald.
Larry: Black market buyer suspect number one.
You need piles of lobster to keep this place goin'!
It's no limit!
What do we have here?
[swanky music]
And how's the attractive couple doing tonight?
Enjoy your lobster.
You know, my favourite part's the tail.
And I looove butter.
Mmm mmm mmm.
[swanky music continues]
Rhonda: Geezus, Larry.
Look at the address, 49 Wild Wood Road.
Yeah.
That's the Thorne Cottage!
Oh yeah!
C'mon, let's get outta here.
Well, what about the lemon meringue pie?
I know a better place for dessert.
Come on!
[upbeat music]
Come on!
[upbeat music continues]
See what happens
when you don't go with the top-of-the-line machine?
It's not as creamy as it should be.
Tastes pretty creamy to me.
Can I ask you a question, Lar?
You ever wish you had kids?
Larry: I never really thought of myself as, like, the dad type.
You know, too many big dreams to chase.
Yeah, me too.
Probably too late for me now anyway.
Yeah, menopause, eh?
Ah, damn.
Rhonda: Menopause?
No, not menopause.
I'm too young for that!
Jeezus, old hag here!
Look out I'm havin' a hot flash!
I mean, I'm not even sure I can get pregnant.
I hardly used a rubber a day in my life.
And then when I was in my 20s I had a blood clot in my leg
from the pill.
Not that there was that much hanky panky.
I mean, there was a lot.
When I was 19, I got a vasectomy.
You got a vasectomy when you were 19?!
Yeah, I didn't want the burden of it weighing on my head
as I went out on the town sowin' my wild oats.
[both laughing]
Lar, big stud muffin sowin' your wild oats.
You sowed your wild oats pretty good too, huh?
Yeah.
Actually, I didn't lose my virginity until, uh,
I met Brenda when I was 23.
And I haven't been on a date in the three years
since we split.
It's funny, life doesn't always work out
the way you plan it.
I wish I saw signs back in the day that could've helped me,
but maybe I wasn't paying attention.
Signs can sometimes be tough to see.
You got a quarter, Lar?
I don't know, Rhonda.
This seems kinda... crazy.
Signs, Lar! We gotta follow the signs!
We're gonna pit hubby versus wife.
You got a quarter?
Uh, yeah, in my pocket.
Here?
[coins jingling]
[laughs] It tickles.
Yeah.
Okay, Luke Thorne's number, please.
It's over there.
Geez Louise, you got some shit in your pockets, Lar.
Wait, Luke Thorne is my client.
I could lose my PI licence.
We're about to manifest some life changin' money here, Lar.
[phone ringing]
Luke: Luke Thorne.
[in gruff voice] Um, g'day there big rig.
What's on the stir tonight?
Luke [on phone]: Who is this?
Well, I might as well be your guardian fuckin' angel.
I got some very discreet information
you might wanna get your paws on.
Luke: Yeah?
Like what?
Well, that's gonna cost ya.
Luke [on phone]: Cost me, huh?
Why don't you gimme a hint?
All right, here's a hint for ya,
it involves your la-de-fuckin'-da wife.
Luke: My wife?
What about my wife?
Well let's just say, "Hanky panky, Mr. Wanky.
Luke [on phone]: Hanky panky, Mr. Wanky?
What the fuck are you talking about?
What do you know about my wife?
Hey, rich jerk.
Luke: Holy fuck.
Do you like ice cream?
Luke: Who is this?
What's your favourite flavour?
Dickweed Delight?
Luke: You don't know who you're fucking with!
Assberry?
Luke: Oh, that's funny.
You're a comedian, huh?
Fartmellow?
Luke: Jesus Christ.
I am gonna fucken kill you when I get my hands on you.
Hey, listen to me, you.
When the cat's away, the mice will play.
Luke: What the hell does that mean?
Meow, meow!
Luke: What does that mean?
Forty grand for the goods!
Uh, and believe me,
what I got is worth more than that to you,
Mr. Soon-To-Be-Divorcee.
Luke: Divorcee?
Who the fuck is this?
And if you won't pay,
maybe your la-de-fuckin'-da wife will.
Luke: Not a fuckin' dime.
Await further instructions!
Luke: I'm gonna fuckin'rip your-
Ooh, that went good!
What's next?
You're nuts. [Rhonda giggling]
Thank you.
* You broke my heart
* Yeah, you tore it in two
* Since you've been gone I've been packing on a few
* Don't know what you've been doing
* But I'm packin' on a few
* Woo
* Emotional eater in a love torn zoo *
[Larry chomping]
[Larry hollering]
* Don't know what you've been doing
* But I'm packing on a few
* Ooh
* Ooh, ooh
[Larry scatting]
* Don't know what you've been doing
* But I'm packing on a few
Woo!
That was so good! -Oh yeah?
Well that's an original that I'm writing
about gaining weight after a break up.
I didn't know you were artsy fartsy!
I'm not.
Rhonda: You are!
A talented musician, you're a photographer
with an eye for landscapes and nudes.
I mean, look at these!
You could frame and sell these beauties!
Larry: Yeah, well, so could you, Rhonda.
If you sold your seafood chowder at your store,
you would become a millionaire.
Rhonda: Ha.
Oh, is that your vision board?
Oh, that's not finished yet. [laughs]
Sorry.
I need to keep it under the bed for a bit.
Okay.
Thanks.
Junior.
Junior is our blackmailer.
That way you can turn her in,
and we can get our money.
You're always one step ahead, aren't you, Rhonda?
[light music]
* Start to feel all right
* Just after midnight
[Larry chuckling]
I had fun with you tonight, Lar.
* And it's a new day tonight *
One time, Brenda and I rented a motel room like this.
* Heard it all before
Alright, um, I'm gonna blast.
I got an early day in the store tomorrow.
* 'Cause it's true that it's a new day tonight *
[Larry sighs]
[phone ringing]
Fuck Blair!
G'day, g'day, g'day!
Luke: Larry.
How are ya, Mr. Thorne?
Luke: What's the status?
Yeah, case is going wicked good.
Making large progress. Large.
[light music]
Rhonda [on phone]: Rhonda Perry. P-E-R-R-Y.
Uh huh, and that's the Super Deluxe 6,000
soft serve machine.
So that $1,000 goes on the credit card
and then the rest is due on delivery?
Two days?
Salesman: Top of the line machine, you'll want 'er quick.
Yeah.
Okay, thank you.
Yeah, it's gonna be a game changer!
Oh, yes. -Okay, bye.
Salesman: All right, goodbye.
Oh, g'day!
How are you today?
[door squeaking]
Rhonda: It's squeaky.
I gotta put a drop of oil on that.
I know, it just squeaks.
Very good.
Fun night planned?
Lovely bottle of wine, compliments to the lady.
Yeah.
And um...
Oh, the rubbers?
Don't be shy.
You're not the first person in here today to buy rubbers
and you won't be the last.
You want three or six?
Six.
Rhonda: Okay, six.
Better to have too many than too few, hey?
I could tell you were a six pack of rubbers lady.
Okay, uh, we got, um, Extra Ribbed
or Double Sensation
or Natural Feeling?
Nicole: I don't care.
Just pick one.
Let's go with, uh, Double Sensation.
I guess-I guess that one's meant to feel like two dicks,
'cause what's better than one dick?
Hey, two.
Okay, $63.80 please.
Go ahead there now.
[card reader beeping]
Hey, you had enough in that account.
Went through, yo.
[light suspenseful music]
Take 'er light!
[tense dramatic music]
[dramatic music continues]
Shit, shit, shit, shit!
[suspenseful music]
Larry: Well, Mr. Thorne, my philosophy about cases is this:
Build a sturdy foundation
'cause without a good foundation,
what happens to the house?
Crumbles into the dirt.
Was my, uh, dog in there?
Fuck your foundation, Larry!
What's Glenn been up to?
Ah, fuck ya!
Fuck sakes!
Larry, I'm paying you a lot of fuckin' money, okay?
So what the hell you been doing?
Every day this shit goes on,
I'm losing thousands of dollars.
Do you get that?
Yeah, well that's why I'm working my bag off for you.
I'm not gonna have a bag left by the time
I'm done with this case.
Larry. -I need my bag.
Larry, have you seen Glenn up to anything suspicious?
Anything at all?
Nope.
But, uh, I'm digging. I'm doing some diggin'.
Jesus Christ. -Yeah, well, yeah.
All right, well there's another reason
I wanted to see you here today, Larry.
I got a strange phone call last night.
Oh yeah? -Yeah.
Some fuckin' goof is trying to extort me for 40 grand.
Said that they have information that I might be interested in
[sighs] about Nicole.
Well, there's something, uh, we have in common, Mr. Thorne.
You see, I'm a recently divorced man myself-
Divorce?!
Who said divorce, Larry?
Tell me who used that word, huh?
Who?! -N-n-n-no one!
I just, it's a rumour
I heard at the Legion, some old lady, curly hair.
She was ordering a scotch.
She's full of shit.
Larry, I am a rich man,
a powerful man.
And if you don't figure this out by tomorrow,
I'm gonna fuckin' bury you!
Get out!
Get out, Larry.
Get the fuck out!
Rhonda: He just left you on the course?
What a fuckin' dick!
Larry: Yeah, I know.
He threw a total conniption fit,
tore a strip off of me
and then I had to walk five miles all by myself
to the parking lot!
Yeah, and now he's threatening me!
And I had to pay my own green fee!
I don't have that kinda dough!
Who do I look like, Captain Richman?
Rhonda: Well, Nicole Thorne came in here this morning
buying supplies for a screw party
and recognized my voice from the blackmail call!
What? - Yeah.
"Take 'er light."
What a fuckin' idiot, Rhonda!
No, Rhonda.
She's onto us, Lar!
I can't believe this happened just after I ordered
the Super Deluxe 6000!
Wait, what?
You-you already ordered the soft serve machine?
Yeah, I cranked it up to manifestin' level five:
Take action!
It's coming in two days.
Rhonda, you're manifesting too fast.
Hang on.
I recognize that muffler.
That's Junior! That's Junior!
What do we do?
I know what we're gonna fuckin' do.
Here ya go.
Huh?
Off you go. -Is this a-
It is a cap gun for intimidation.
She's a killer, Larry.
You said so yourself.
Get in your car!
Off you go!
Okay, all right.
Come on, Junior.
[light music]
For fuck sake.
How are you today, Junior?
Awesome!
Scorcher, huh?
[chuckles] I'm just pickin' up a few things.
Hard at it?
I'm on vacation [laughs].
And, um, I'm mourning my dad, so no.
Nope.
But yeah, but like, you know,
more-more spiritually hard than physically.
Yeah, but we can feel sadness in our bodies
too though, hey?
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
I totally believe that.
How's clam diggin'?
Clam digging?
Oh, awesome.
Awesome, I got some big juicy boys.
Rhonda: Hm, nice, nice.
Junior: Yeah, yum. [laughs]
You know, I had a thought,
maybe we should have a special Hank day
at the community hall.
That way you can meet all of his friends.
You bring the piss clams,
I'll bring the sandwiches and squares.
Uh, that's so nice of you.
But I, I don't know,
I don't think Dad would really like that.
Yeah, forget it.
That was a stupid idea.
Yeah, no, don't mind me.
Can I please see some ID?
ID? What?
'Fraid so. For the beer.
Anyone looks under 40 we have to ID 'em now.
Liquor inspector came in this morning. Crackin' down.
Junior: Under 40?
Okay, but you already sold me beer, so, oops.
Yeah, I don't make the rules,
I just follow 'em.
Sorry dear.
I'll need to see some ID is the thing.
Come on!
I'm totally of age!
This is total BS!
Fact: I'm big mad right now!
Big mad.
[Junior grunting] [door slamming]
Little rat.
Ugh.
Don't even think about it.
[Junior screaming]
What? I'm not a bad guy. -Don't kill me, man.
Don't kill me! -I'm not a bad guy.
Please, please! -This is not real.
[Junior screaming]
What are you doing store lady?
Hello Junior.
Or should I say Joanne?!
What? How do you know my name?
Dude, are you like a psychic or...?
Oh shit, you're on Tater Dater.
No way.
Why haven't we matched yet?
Uh, maybe 'cause I don't swipe right on murderers.
You murdered Hank from Hamilton!
Junior: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't you lie to me!
We got the pictures to prove it!
Larry: How could you bury someone in the ground?
You make me sick!
I did not kill Hank.
You like driving around with old dead fellas in the trunk,
do ya, Junior? - No!
I did not kill Hank.
I did drive around with him in the trunk though.
You murdered him in cold blood.
You stole his wallet.
You stole his car.
You buried him in the ground
and now you're living in his cottage!
Gorgeous spot.
Gorgeous. -It is nice.
Pretendin' to be his kid,
havin' a wicked ass awesome summer in PEI.
How am I doing so far, Junior?
Okay.
My name is Joanne and I'm from North Bay, Ontario.
I was hitchhiking to Bliss Jam Fest
in Nova Scotia.
It's like, the biggest jam band fest in Canada.
Bullshit! - What's a jam band?
Hank picks me up,
says he's going out east and he can take me the whole way.
Score. And then we stop at a motel.
Larry: Did you offer him favours in exchange for other favours
Do you guys get what I'm saying?
Like sex? -Yeah.
No Larry, Hank wouldn't do that.
Come on. - No way, dude.
No, dude's old. -Why not?
What do you mean? - He's like 60!
Ugh. - Anyway, next morning,
old guy is dead in his bed.
Just died in his sleep.
Like, I freaking swear to God!
Did Hank die in his bed because of a nightmare?
Junior: And I had a panic moment.
I put him in the trunk of the car and I drove here.
You do seem too stunned to be the ruthless killer type.
So, like, are you guys gonna tell the cops
about my Hank in the trunk situation?
Maybe we will, maybe we won't.
We're manifestin' some pretty big dreams right now.
Junior: What?!
Dude, no way!
I'm like way into manifesting!
Wow, okay.
So can you guys alter your vibrational level yet?
What-what consciousness paradigm are you using?
Um...
You like pretending to be other people, don't you Junior?
You're gonna be our blackmailer.
Welcome to Hollywood.
Larry: It's showtime!
Mrs. Thorne.
Mr. Constable.
Here is your blackmailer in the stunned flesh.
That's Junior.
You're my blackmailer?
Junior: I'm really sorry about the blackmail and everything.
"Take 'er light!" [laughs]
Love saying it.
It's my, uh, catchphrase.
Yeah. -Yeah.
And your downfall, goof bag.
Take 'er light! -Oh yeah, mhm.
Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Please take mercy on her, Mrs. Thorne.
You see, she's in mourning.
[Nicole gasps]
Larry: Yeah, her father just passed.
In fact, your neighbour Hank.
Yeah. -Hank?
And death makes people do crazy things.
True.
But, uh, she's learned her lesson, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I sure have.
Larry: Well, uh, photos, files.
That's everything.
No copies made.
That's the Larry Constable guarantee.
And, uh, now the, uh, the $20,000.
Nicole: I'm sorry, Mr. Constable.
I don't have the cash on me.
Can I pay you tomorrow?
Yeah.
No, I would prefer it if we...
You, huh?
What?
I'm, um, having a little party.
You should stay for a drink.
I mean, we are neighbours now.
Fucking-A!
Yeah!
Well, wait. Junior. I don't...
Oh, oh. [Junior laughing]
Ah, take it easy on her, Mrs. Thorne!
[upbeat music]
Did she give you the money?
No. Tomorrow she says.
Rhonda: Tomorrow?
She's stonewalling us.
You think so? I-I think she's good for it.
No, it's a delay tactic, Lar.
And you gave her the photos?
Yes, I did.
Yeah.
Shit! [Rhonda sighs]
Money first, then the evidence!
Right. Right.
Next time!
Rhonda: Were those the only copies?
Yeah, it's the Larry Constable guarantee.
And where's Junior?
There's some sort of shindig going on up there.
Shindig? No, Larry.
That's the sex party!
Sex party!
Remember from Lobster Suppers,
"I love butter."
I saw him there!
Rhonda, I'm sorry.
I can't think straight when I'm with you. I...
You gotta get them horny photos back, Lar!
I got a soft serve machine comin' in two days!
You're goin' in.
Me?!
Why? But Nicole-
We got an invitation!
You went to school for this!
Just use your training!
Arms up!
It was the most extensive training
I've ever done in my life!
But I'm not brave like you, Rhonda.
Time to go full tilt boogie.
[Larry sighs]
[upbeat dance music]
*
Larry: Rhonda, do you read me?
I read you, Lar, loud and clear.
I've established visual contact.
Hi.
Rhonda: Jesus. There's some horny business going on in here, Lar.
Hor-ny.
You're gonna see a lot of wieners and prunes.
Some of them look really nice,
but you can't get distracted!
Okay, I see a snack tray.
I'm heading over to the snack tray.
Okay.
I'm taking a snack.
Rhonda: I see you eating items from the snack tray.
Okay.
Nicole has Junior.
She's taking her somewhere.
She's got the photos.
[upbeat dance music]
They're in the room next to the kitchen.
Do you read?
They're in the room next to the kitchen.
Larry: Not gonna lie, Rhonda,
these are delicious cheese cubes.
Mmm.
Rhonda: Don't focus on the cheese cubes, Lar.
You got a job to do.
Okay, I'm eating a raisin now.
[party guests laughing]
Sweet raisins, mm.
[laughing]
Rhonda: Forget the snacks!
A giant boner lobster just walked in the room.
[party guests cheering]
Man: Dunno what this is.
There's some sort of a-a-a-a strap-on situation.
I believe what is known as, uh, a pegging is about to happen.
And, uh, everyone has gathered to watch, so make your move.
Search the house!
Hustle, Larry, faster! -Whoa!
Rhonda: Stop watching the pegging!
Yeah.
[upbeat dance music]
*
Rhonda: Jesus Christ, they're on the bed!
They're right in front of you, Lar!
There are swingers headed your way!
And one of 'em is all bag!
Get outta there!
[upbeat dance music]
*
[party guests laughing]
Nice work, Lar!
Some night.
Some night is right!
I ate nine cheese cubes!
You did so good tonight, Lar.
Thanks.
I'm havin' a ball. With you, I mean.
Me too!
I don't think I've had this much fun in year!
Maybe even a decade or two.
What happened with your ex, Brenda?
If that's okay?
[Larry sighs]
She cheated on me with our boss at the deli counter.
I came home early from work and I go into the bedroom
and, uh, they're both in there having sex.
Apparently that had been going on behind my back for years.
That's awful, Lar.
Yeah, but...
I only have a nightmare about it once a week now
and that's progress for me. [chuckles]
We'll see tonight with all the cheese I ate [chuckling].
But, uh, yeah, should be okay.
You wanna invite me inside for a beer?
I don't know.
I'm pretty beat.
Large day.
And, uh, I should probably hit the hay early and...
[gentle music]
*
Ooooooh shit.
Okay.
Don't blow this, Lar.
[seabirds cawing] [waves crashing]
Larry: The way you know how to get yourself goin'.
Wow.
And the dirty talk!
I didn't know I had it in me!
It just blasted out of me.
Was I good?
I feel rusty.
You're an unreal kisser!
And you've got a real way with your tongue!
A real way with my tongue?
Mmhmm.
[chuckling] I didn't know that.
Rhonda, ever since I first saw you in the store,
I've had this crazy feeling in my stomach,
like I'm gonna barf, but in a good way.
Like the barf would be beautiful.
Do you know what I mean?
Me too, Lar.
Cool. [chuckling]
[phone dinging]
Gimme a sec.
Oh shit!
It's Junior!
She's a hostage!
What?
What do you mean?
[knocking on door]
Larry Constable? This is the police.
Open up.
They know about the blackmail!
How'd they find out!
I don't know!
Man: Ya can't fuckin' run from us!
[knocking on door]
G'day, g'day...
g'day?!
Ah, horny stuff.
Mm, fuck!
Fuckin' chunks of lobster meat spillin' out!
There must be a full pound of fuckin' lobster in this!
Oh yeah?
Interesting.
Fuck Blair,
why'd you come down here?
This is my last day to solve the case!
Mm, fuck! The tartar sauce!
Blair!
I'm kind of in the middle of something big here.
It's my day off.
Thought we could have a little sippy sip golf golf.
Have a feed.
Larry: You think that's good?
You gotta try Rhonda's chowder.
It's unreal!
Rhonda: He was right about Luke Thorne's limp noodle.
Maybe the universe is tryin' to tell us somethin' here, Lar.
Anything you wanna manifest, Blair?
Hm?
Manifest.
Rhonda: Look, it's them!
Okay, come on. We gotta tail 'em!
What about a scoff here?
The scoff is not the priority, Blair!
What about golf?
I mean, are we in a panic?
We are in peak panic mode right now!
Yes! We can golf later! I promise. Fuck.
Let's go! -Come on!
Blair: All right, I'm comin'.
Rhonda: Fishermen types.
Black market lobster shit is definitely goin' down here!
Larry: Fuck, Rhonda, you're some smart.
You didn't even take the PI course.
It just comes so natural to you.
Thanks Lar.
Are we in Timbuk-fucking-tu or what?
Shh!
Shut the fuck up, Blair! -Get down!
Get down! -What?
Larry: Jeez. Look.
Shhh. Whisper.
[loud] What's all the stir?
God Almighty! -God, Blair!
You're shitty at whispering!
All the shoutin' and roarin'!
This is my big case, come on.
Blair: [softly] What are we looking at?
Here, here comes the black market buyer.
[camera clicking]
Rhonda: She doesn't seem like a hostage to me.
It's Nicole Thorne!
Nicole Thorne?!
Who?
Rhonda: She's the black market buyer!
She's got a wad of cash the size of my friggin' head!
Ah fuck.
I missed ten calls from Cathy.
Time to rescue Junior.
Full tilt boogie!
[rock music]
Rhonda: [yelling] Get on the fuckin' ground!
Down, down! -Jesus.
Rhonda: Get on the fucking ground!
Get down! Get down!
You too! You too, princess!
Get on the ground!
Down on the ground!
Don't you look at me!
She's serious.
Kinda hot.
If you value your dicks,
you will sit on the fuckin' ground!
Not you, Junior. Come on! It's me, it's Rhonda.
Larry: Holy shit!
Look at her go!
Rhonda: Don't look at me!
Don't you fuckin' look at me, Uncle Carl!
Go, go, go!
Stay down!
Come on Blair, let's go!
All right, come on. -Fuck, Jesus!
Don't forget your binoculars.
Oh, shit!
I can't find my keys!
'Cause you got too much shit in yer pockets.
[Larry groaning]
You stay back fishermen!
Stay the fuck back!
I will shoot your dicks off!
Stay the fuck back! -Shit!
[engine sputtering]
Jesus!
Come on, Vanderson.
Rhonda: We thought you were a hostage!
Okay, well at first I wasn't into fishing, ethically,
but then I was kind of into it, you know?
Come on, Vanderson!
Junior: A thank you is in order.
Would you go, go, go!
[engine rumbling]
Larry: Yeah!
Blair: Can we stop at the liquor store?
Junior: Fuck you fishermen!
Glenn: Who's yer...?
Who's Yer Father.
Cecil.
Who's Yer Father. -Oh!
* I'm only drinkin' when I'm golfin'
* But baby, I'm golfin' every daaay
* I'm always thinkin' about golfin'
* Maybe someday I'll change my ways
* But I doubt it
How's your orgy last night, Junior?
Fuck, you were at an orgy?!
Larry: I was too, Blair!
Day was large!
Large!
Hold on, are you sexually fluid?
Yeah, I am. Blair's not.
I'm fluid all over the place. -Fuck off.
Like a spilled glass of milk.
Eighty-five grand!
Nice.
So, are we even?
Did you spill the beans to Nicole?
Junior: [scoffs] What?
No! No. No way.
As if.
C'mon, dudes you're like my new friends.
Ah, to new friends.
Yeah, new friends. -New friends.
Shit.
So, like, you're not, like, gonna call the cops?
Like, that's not happening, right?
If you can get your arse off this island
by tomorrow morning,
we'll keep our mouths shut about Hank.
I like, totally won't call the cops
on you guys either.
Like for the kidnapping and blackmailing and stuff.
Thanks.
Here's your cut, Lar.
50/50 partners, remember?
The universe brought this money to us, Lar.
You know what, Rhonda?
I want you to have all the money.
What?
'Cause it was your lifelong dream
to have a soft serve machine.
No, I only got the idea last week.
But thanks!
Blair: Whoa. Unreal.
* I'm always thinking about horny stuff *
[Larry's phone ringing] Larry: Shhh! Fuck Blair!
Uh, Mr. Thorne?
Yessir.
Case is in the can.
Foxbush? Fifteen minutes?
Let's do this!
Tapioca.
All right, Blair!
We're hittin' the links with the rich prick!
Told ya we'd be golfin' today!
Oh, barely enough time to golf nine.
Be careful, Lar!
Hey, I got this!
Fuckin' next time there's an orgy, ya call me.
[light dramatic music]
*
All right, Larry, this better be good.
What do ya got for me?
Where in the Christ did my ball go?
Who the fuck is that guy?
Ah, that's Blair.
He's, uh, my operative.
I hire him for really hard cases.
To help out, you know?
He's got eyes like a hawk.
Over by the tall tree, Blair!
Jesus!
Oh for fuck's sakes.
These are, uh, my expenses, Mr. Thorne.
I'm sorry, peak season.
But, uh, all justifiable.
And, uh, for the juicy stuff that I'm sittin' on...
What do you mean?
What juicy stuff are you sittin' on?
I can't fuckin' find it!
Drop a ball, Blair!
It's a $6 ball!
There it is!
Larry, you hidin' something from me?
[suspenseful music]
Not hiding. Manifesting.
I'm sorry Mr. Thorne, but, uh, I got some bad news unfortunately.
Your wife and, uh...
Nicole and Glenn? The hick fisherman?
Yeah. -What the fuck?
Your wife and Glenn are banging pissers.
And, uh, apparently she's the, uh, black market buyer.
And when you're not at your cottage
they're throwing these wild sex orgies that look awesome.
I'm sorry.
There's my little $6 baby.
Jesus Christ.
Larry: You know what, um, [clears throat]
this book helped me through some rough patches.
Maybe it could do a trick for you.
"Revenge Life," yeah.
Fuck your book, Larry!
Well, um, unfortunately
there is still the, uh, matter of, uh, my expenses
that I would like to have reimbursed.
I was never gonna pay your expenses!
Or the 5,000 bonus, you fuckin' dipshit!
Okay, Blair, stick it on the green.
Let me ask you a question.
How long have you known?
How long have you known about Nicole and Glenn?
Well- -How long?
It's complicated because, uh, my case is fluid.
You know, like water goes this way and that way.
Have you known about that the whole fuckin' time, Larry?
Larry: It's like what they say, you know,
when the-the cat's away, the mice will play.
Yeah, yeah. -Meow!
Now I get it.
Makes sense to me now.
You're the fucking goof who called me!
You're the fucking goof who called me
and tried to extort forty grand!
It was you, wasn't it, you fuck?
Wasn't it? -Blair!
It was you, Larry! What did I tell you, Larry?
Blair! -What did I tell you?
Don't you ever fuckin' bullshit me, Larry!
[golf ball thudding]
Where the fuck did that go?
[dramatic music]
*
Oh shit!
[body thudding]
Fore.
Rhonda: Oh, very sexy.
A goatee, no moustache and long hair.
And those thick, thick glasses.
I'd swipe right on him.
Yeah.
Hm, that's a nice sword!
I'd swipe right on him.
I mean, he do have that nice big fish in his hands.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[sighs] My back teeth are floatin'.
I gotta pee.
[light suspenseful music]
*
[soft romantic music]
*
Junior?
Oh, no, no, Rhonda, you stunned arse!
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh God, no, no.
[gasps] Oh no!
Jesus. Fuck it's gone!
[tires screeching]
Junior took the money!
She's gone. -Huh?
What?
We've got an even bigger problem than that!
Dammit.
We're going to jail!
We're all fuckin' going to prison!
You didn't mean to kill him, Lar.
It was self-defence.
I-I didn't kill him!
Blair did! Blair killed him!
Blair saved your life by the sounds of it.
Rhonda, why can't we just go to the police
and tell them what happened?
Rhonda: Oh yeah, okay.
Well, good luck explainin' our manifestin' journey
to the cops, Lar.
I'd like to hear that one!
Get 'em. All right, in you go.
[Larry groaning]
In ya go.
[Larry groaning]
All right. -Oh God.
Look at us!
This has gone too far!
Look at-look at what we're doing!
That's a fricking stiff Luke in there
for a soft serve machine?!
Listen to me!
The laws of attraction brought us here, Lar.
So this has gotta be like...
like a minor hiccup.
Hiccup?!
No! This isn't a hiccup,
this is just foolishness!
Okay?
It's foolishness!
I just wanted to solve the case.
The universe is testin' us, Lar.
We just gotta trust the process.
It's like we're so close now.
The universe is so excited for us!
I can feel it.
Larry: Yeah. See?
Brenda never would've got me into this kind of foolishness.
Brenda? -Yeah.
Is Brenda on your vision board, Larry?
Yeah, I saw it.
You gotta stop dwellin' on the past and manifest the future!
The future?
There's no future after this!
We're done!
I'm done being a PI!
Done being with you!
Done!
Well, with that shitty attitude:
Samesies!
Um [chuckling].
Luke?
[engine rumbling]
I'm just gettin' my good chowder dish and blastin'.
Rhonda...
It's in the fridge- -Please.
Rhonda...
[Blair snoring]
Mr. Constable.
And how are ya now there, Rhonda?
Ah, not-not bad.
Not bad, Glenn.
Good to see ya again.
You too.
[Blair snoring]
Uh, please don't shoot me?
Nicole: What did I ever do to you?
You blackmailed me then you lied about Junior
being my blackmailer,
and then you stole my money!
Where is it?
Where the fuck is it?
Where's my money, Rhonda?
I already told ya, Junior took off with it.
Nicole: Bullshit.
I can't believe you didn't tell me
you "dated" this nympho fisherman!
Me and Glenn went out a few times,
it was nothin'.
Glenn: Well, I wouldn't say nothin' there, Rhonda.
We were pretty 'hard' at it there just a few weeks ago.
Larry: Hard at it?
Great!
I walked into a cloud of Glenn Misener's dick mist!
Nicole: You slept with her?
Yeah.
Gross.
Whatever.
Larry: You lied to me, Rhonda.
You were lyin' to me the whole time!
Oh, sorry Lar!
I suppose I should apologize for having a life
before I met you, what, five minutes ago?!
[Glenn snickers]
Larry: The whole thing was an elaborate revenge scheme.
You hired me for my excellent private investigation skills
so you can spy on your ex and blackmail
his frickin' new fling.
Like, what the hell?
Oh, okay.
Well, let's not forget who has a picture of his ex-wife
hangin' in his van.
Weird.
Rhonda: Yeah.
And who has a vasectomy when they're a virgin?
He had a vasectomy when he was a virgin.
What? -Why?
Larry: I'm a... [sighs]
For my career.
Speakin' of, did you take these?
Yes, I did.
Buddy, do not quit your day job.
[Nicole laughing]
You shut up, jerk!
Glenn: Ooh.
Larry's a really talented photographer and musician.
And he's the finest man I ever met.
Head to toe.
Sad.
Is that so, eh?
And she's the finest woman that I've ever met.
Glenn: Trust me pal,
she ain't worth gettin' worked up over.
Still tryin' to wash her off.
Nicole: [gasps] Ooh!
Okay, well take it from me ya fuckin' dickhead!
Rhonda is an unreal gal!
All right?
She's smart, funny as hell,
brave,
as pretty as a red wagon.
And I'm head over heels in love with her.
Do you mean that, Lar?
Rhonda, I've been crazy about you since the first time
I ever saw you.
Tsk. Aw.
All that craziness happened
because I just wanted to keep hangin' out with you.
I did anything that popped into my head.
I love you too, Larry.
[gentle music]
Pffft. She wouldn't even be in my top 100 this month.
All right?
[Nicole laughing]
Larry: That's it! All right?!
You insulted me!
You insulted Rhonda!
And your face is pissing me off!
We're gonna go outside and fuckin' go'er!
Can you take this off, please?
Yes, right away, sir.
Wanna have a little tussle, do ya?
Glenn: Woop!
Don't you have sex with him!
After you, dick!
Buddy, you are barking up the wrong tree.
[foot thudding] [Glenn groaning]
Nicole: Rhonda, Rhonda, Rhonda.
[Nicole tsking]
Nicole, Nicole, Nicole.
This was never about the money, Rhonda.
Remember on the phone when I said if I ever found ya,
I was gonna hurt ya?
[hand slapping] [Rhonda groans]
[Nicole giggling]
I think you're a stupid person.
[hand slapping] [Rhonda groaning]
I think you act stupid, you got a stupid store,
you got a stupid boyfriend.
He only seems stupid.
Mmmmm?
[Rhonda grunting]
[dramatic music]
*
[dramatic music continues]
*
[Rhonda grunting]
Is that seafood chowder?
Yeah!
I'm allergic, you bitch.
Allergic!
You're bluffin'!
[Nicole gasping]
Oh, shit!
[light dramatic music]
*
[light music continues]
*
[birds chirping]
[rooster crowing] [cows mooing]
[cowbell dinging] [cow mooing]
[soft rock music]
[cow mooing]
Larry: Geraldine, Geraldine.
Take a breath.
Reset.
[deeply inhaling]
No, I know.
I know.
It's not very nice when a family member can be that cruel.
How long has the water jug been missing?
[indistinct chattering]
A week?
I'm on the case, Geraldine.
Don't you worry your little head.
Tapioca.
Wait!
Found it!
Hey, hey, giver here!
Yeah.
* No one cares
* Sunshine
Enjoy your chowder and your rubbers.
* Rain, shine, I don't mind *
* Simply I don't care
* Moon or rain, shine, I'll be there *
Rhonda.
Nicole.
Double Sensation, on the house.
* They tried so good
* See you next time I'm not here *
Larry: Would you look at that outer space?
What a mystery.
Yeah.
You know, I realized I never asked you the big question.
What big question?
Who's yer father?
Elmer Roberts. Old Elmer.
Roberts?
I thought you were a Perry?
Yeah, that's my married name.
I just haven't changed it back yet.
I have an uncle named Elmer Roberts.
My mom's maiden name is Roberts.
[gasps] Are we related?
[quietly] Are we related?
Are we allowed to?
Can we?
Gross? Right? -I mean, yeah.
Larry: Okay, wait.
Down East Elmer Roberts
or up west Elmer Roberts?
He's down east Elmer Roberts.
[Larry sighs]
[chuckling] My uncle is Up West Elmer Roberts!
God, we can kiss!
I'm up for kissing a lot of cousins.
Oh, well that scared me.
Yeah. Wow.
This place is way too small.
Way too friggin' small.
You know what's not small though?
That freakin' universe, man.
Fuck it's big!
Huge.
[upbeat music]
* A month ago I sat alone with a bottle of wine
* to ease my mind and have fun with it,
* Had a cigarette for my dinner,
* there's no truth in what they tell me *