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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Jelly Roll. What's up, my brother?
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- Hey, yo, Rock.
- What's cooking, baby?
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God, I gotta stop sayin' that.
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Did you hear about
Adam Ray's new Dr. Phil special?
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I didn't, but I also blocked his ass
on Instagram months ago.
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Why, what's goin' on?
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Netflix gave Adam Ray a Dr. Phil special!
10
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Yeah, I saw some of that bullshit online.
I gotta tell you, it's pretty funny.
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Yo, I think he needs to hear about this.
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Hear about what?
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Adam Ray is dressing up like you
for a Netflix special.
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You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
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[upbeat music playing]
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[indistinct chatter]
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[laughing]
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[upbeat music continues]
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[music ends]
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- [audience] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
- [female AI voice] Four, three, two…
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[rock music playing]
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♪ Whoa ♪
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♪ Whoa ♪
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♪ Whoa ♪
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{\an8}♪ Whoa ♪
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{\an8}[music continues]
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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
make it loud for the man you came to see.
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Are you ready?
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Here he comes.
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Give it up for Dr. Phil!
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[audience cheering]
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[inaudible]
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[audience cheering loudly]
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[audience chanting] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
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[audience cheering, whistling]
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[audience chanting] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
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Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
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Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
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Dr. Phil!
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[audience cheering]
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Comedy Store, make some
motherfucking noise
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if you're excited to be alive tonight.
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Who's excited for Dr. Phil Live?
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Holy shit. You're blowing
the roof off this place.
45
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Look at all the titties and beards.
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You guys are a good one.
You can take a seat.
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That's good.
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I love you, sir.
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We're excited to be here.
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This is a fun energy.
I'll take it from here, sir.
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[audience laughs]
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Tonight's show is
all about imitation. Okay?
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Webster's Dictionary, uh, defines
that as something made to look,
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uh, like something else. Okay?
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My wife Robin is always trying to get me
to, uh, imitate celebrities
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when we have trouble
getting into restaurants.
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She always says, "Go with Nicolas Cage."
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"No one denies Cage shit,"
she always says.
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Uh, so I'll call up a restaurant
and go, uh…
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[imitating Cage, breathy]
"Ah, ah, ah, ah."
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"I need a table for two."
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"Ah, 7:30."
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"Ah, by the window!"
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[audience laughing]
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We get right in and have ourselves
some shrimp cocktail.
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[audience laughs]
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But you know, life is throwing
a lot of curveballs at us, left and right.
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I can see a lot of helpless souls
in the crowd tonight,
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looking to try to figure things out,
put one foot in front of the other.
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People that are struggling
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with the idea of who they are
and where they wanna be.
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Uh, sir, with the nice stache
and the wrist tattoos.
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What's your name, sir?
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- Eric.
- Eric, let's go.
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- He smoked weed.
- [Adam] He smoked…
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What are you, his sponsor?
What's goin' on?
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Why are you outing him in the front row?
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And what are you on?
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- What's your name?
- Everything.
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You're on everything? Oh shit.
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We got time.
Let's go down the list real quick.
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[audience laughs]
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Tylenol PM?
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[audience laughs]
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- Plan B? Gushers?
- [audience laughing]
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You got some Gushers inside you?
Some Gushers juice?
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Skittles? Okay.
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- Go-GURT.
- [Adam] Go-GURT? [chuckles]
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Eric just said Go-GURT
like he's a ten-year-old boy.
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[audience laughs]
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[giggling] "Go-GURT."
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[audience laughs]
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Eric, where do you get a Go-GURT in 2024?
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Be honest with me.
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- Sometime tonight, player. Yeah.
- Staples.
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- Staples?
- [audience laughs]
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Eric, are you retarded? What's goin' on?
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Are you supposed to be here right now?
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Where's your dad?
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What do you do for work, Eric?
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Uh, composite lamination
for federal contracts.
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Yeah. You're making this all up.
That's fine.
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- [audience laughing]
- Let's go to this side of the room.
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What's your name, with the mask on?
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And I appreciate
the safety concern, right?
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Never "whoever smelt it, dealt it," right?
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You ain't tryin' to be a victim
of that crime.
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- What's your first name?
- Chase.
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Chase? Let's go. Like the bank, yeah?
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[audience laughs]
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- Say it again.
- Unfortunately.
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"Unfortunately." Okay. Well, okay.
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- That's what I'm talking about.
- [audience laughs]
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We're always trying
to make upgrades in our life,
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and Chase was born into a life
that he didn't want. Okay?
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His parents… I'm assuming
named you Chase, right?
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You could've been Wells Fargo.
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- [audience laughs]
- That would've sucked.
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You would've fucking hanging out
with Eric over here, right?
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[audience laughs]
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Chase, what do you do for work?
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Uh, I'm, uh… I work
at an advertising agency, basically.
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Chase, what is it that you dream about?
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00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:07,432
You're in advertising,
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but it seems like there's other
aspirations floating around inside of you.
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Maybe a stable relationship
with my family.
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Maybe a stable relationship
with your family?
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[audience] Aww.
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- We'll be right back.
- [audience laughs]
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[all cheering]
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Had to.
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You knew it was coming.
You knew it was coming.
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We had to take a commercial break.
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Jesus fucking Christ!
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Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh over here.
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Fucking sadness table for one.
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Goddammit, Chase. Way to suck
the fucking vibe out of the room,
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nine minutes into the show.
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[audience laughs]
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Keep it going for Chase.
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That guy has got a lot of good stuff
ahead of him.
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[audience cheering]
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Lot of good times are awaiting Chase.
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And I can't wait to see, uh…
I can't wait to see what happens.
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Eric, you okay? Was that-- Yeah.
146
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What was girl's name?
What's your name, sweetheart?
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- Darcy.
- Darcy. That's right.
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- How long you guys been together?
- A little over five years.
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Let's go. Where did you meet?
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- Online. Fuckin' A!
- [Adam] Fuckin' A, yeah.
151
00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:05,740
What is the best trait about yourself?
How about that?
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00:06:06,657 --> 00:06:08,368
Whoo! I'm open-minded.
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- You're open-minded. Okay.
- [Eric] Yeah.
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That goes for everything
with Darcy as well, yeah?
155
00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:14,582
- Fuckin' right.
- [Adam] Fuckin' right. Yeah.
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Okay.
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[audience laughs]
158
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I don't think
I like your fucking attitude right now,
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if I'm being perfectly honest here.
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It feels like you're kind of coming at me
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with some sort of
gibberish and rubberish, okay?
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It feels like something that
you've kinda been pulling off today.
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- Maybe in the last couple of days.
- [audience cheering]
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[cheering continues]
165
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[audience chanting] Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
166
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Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
167
00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:57,166
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
168
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Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
169
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,171
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
170
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,090
[audience cheering, applauding]
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I, um… [exhales]
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I don't think
I like your fuckin' attitude.
173
00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:19,397
- [audience cheering]
- [mic thuds]
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[audience chanting] Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
175
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Who are you?
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00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:36,664
[audience laughs]
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Who am I, bitch? Who are you?
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[audience laughs]
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[audience laughs]
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00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:20,374
[audience cheering, applauding]
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[audience laughs]
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[audience laughs]
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We'll be right back.
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[all laugh]
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[audience cheering]
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Fuck that shit.
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We're gonna keep it right here.
Take a seat.
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Guys, keep it goin' for Phil McGraw.
Here he is, right here.
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Take a seat for me, Phil.
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Take a seat for me.
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There you go.
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Phil, it's good to see you.
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Appreciate you being here.
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I'm sure you do.
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{\an8}- [Adam laughs]
- [audience laughs]
196
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:06,337
{\an8}I'm sure this was exactly
how you planned this evening.
197
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I guess… What are your hobbies
when you're not, uh… you know?
198
00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,595
Well, if you had done your homework,
you would know.
199
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,348
Okay. Tennis. Being a dick.
200
00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:19,433
[audience laughing]
201
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:20,935
Um…
202
00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:23,437
- Fucking Christ!
- That's, um…
203
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:24,939
Excuse me.
204
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,024
That's Dr. Dick to you.
205
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:29,735
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
206
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:31,612
You're gonna make my mustache fall off.
207
00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:32,697
[audience laughs]
208
00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:33,906
You can keep yours on.
209
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:36,742
So, I'll ask the questions.
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I love that.
211
00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:40,913
So, how… how did… What did… Why did you…
212
00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:42,748
Why did you start this?
213
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,250
- I mean…
- [audience laughs]
214
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:45,334
It's a good question.
215
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,211
What, are you trying
to get laid or something?
216
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,796
- What are you…
- [audience laughs]
217
00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:49,839
Yep.
218
00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:52,383
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Well, how's that working for you?
219
00:09:52,466 --> 00:09:53,634
- It's not.
- Yeah.
220
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:55,011
[audience laughs]
221
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,847
Takes more than just the look, right?
222
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:01,517
Yeah, you gotta have the vibe, the walk,
the strut, the confidence, right?
223
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:02,852
- Yeah.
- You're big on confidence.
224
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:05,229
We talk about that in our book
We've Got Issues.
225
00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:06,606
[audience laughs]
226
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:09,358
- [audience cheering]
- Chapter… chapter two through five.
227
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,527
I see a couple of copies
in the audience tonight.
228
00:10:12,194 --> 00:10:13,988
[Dr. Phil] Yeah. You see, the thing is,
229
00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:16,324
that's, uh…
Were there two of them out there?
230
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:17,825
- [Adam laughs]
- That's…
231
00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:20,036
That's two out of 70 million.
232
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:22,204
- [Adam laughs]
- [scattered laughter]
233
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,207
Have you seen Oppenheimer?
234
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:26,917
[audience laughs]
235
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:29,045
I have.
236
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:30,630
Yeah. Are you a big movie guy?
237
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:34,425
It's tough to… It's tough to fit in fun
during a busy schedule, you know?
238
00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:37,219
Coming here, right?
Leaving here. You know?
239
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:38,804
[audience laughs]
240
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:40,890
- Yeah, I'm gonna stay awhile.
- You're gonna stay?
241
00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:42,600
- Yeah, I wanna see…
- [audience laughs]
242
00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,393
Hey… No.
243
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,270
Ain't nobody mad about that.
244
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,688
Now… Now…
245
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,566
Le-- Let me ask you all honestly.
246
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,735
Can-- [laughs]
247
00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:54,570
Seriously. Seriously.
248
00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:56,530
Can he do me?
249
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:57,948
[audience] Yeah!
250
00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,200
[all cheering]
251
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:00,993
Can he do me?
252
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,079
[cheering continues]
253
00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:09,710
It's more than just the look, I mean…
254
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:10,711
[audience laughs]
255
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,839
Right, it's… it's the…
Well, let me get up how you got up.
256
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,925
[audience laughing]
257
00:11:16,717 --> 00:11:18,719
[scattered applause]
258
00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:24,892
You walk dick out and I love that.
259
00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:26,811
- [audience laughs]
- That's a power move.
260
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,730
Now-- But can… can he do me?
261
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:31,649
- I mean, does he know?
- [audience] Yes!
262
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:34,985
- Okay.
- Has he… Has he done his homework?
263
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:36,821
You come from this…
264
00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:39,448
You come from Texas, Oklahoma area.
265
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,700
- Sure. Yeah.
- Do you know…
266
00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:42,118
Do you know what things mean?
267
00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:45,705
Uh, this feels like a racist riddle
you're setting me up for.
268
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:47,707
[audience laughing]
269
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:50,209
Who here is from Texas or Oklahoma?
Raise your hand.
270
00:11:50,292 --> 00:11:51,293
[man] Whoo.
271
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:52,837
- Oh. Three--
- Okay.
272
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,088
- Thanks for coming out.
- Three.
273
00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:56,382
- So we are in a bubble here. Okay.
- Yeah.
274
00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:58,134
All right. Interpret this saying.
275
00:11:58,217 --> 00:11:59,135
Okay.
276
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:02,263
You gotta lick that calf over again.
277
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,975
Well, this is a fun game
I didn't realize I was getting into.
278
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:06,892
[laughs]
279
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:09,687
You gotta lick that calf over again.
What's that mean?
280
00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:11,439
That means, uh… That means if…
281
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:12,982
You have no idea what it means.
282
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,109
Well, can I finish
my fucking thought, Phil?
283
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:16,026
[audience laughs]
284
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:18,446
- Jesus--
- No, you talk slower than I do.
285
00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:20,990
- You gotta get to the point.
- [all laugh]
286
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:23,159
You gotta lick that calf over.
287
00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:26,162
That means you gotta get up,
dust yourself off and try again.
288
00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:27,455
[scattered laughter]
289
00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:28,914
- [man] Whoo.
- [woman] Yeah.
290
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,583
Look, this is chess, not checkers.
291
00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:33,043
You gotta…
You gotta actually think about this.
292
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:34,628
- Okay, okay.
- Let's not--
293
00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:36,422
You know. You've got people in Oklahoma.
294
00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:39,008
Yeah, yeah. Lick a calf's twat…
295
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:41,469
[audience laughing]
296
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,430
No, lick a calf…
lick a calf to make it… [clicks tongue]
297
00:12:44,513 --> 00:12:45,556
What-- Yeah.
298
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,392
When a mother has a calf--
299
00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,561
She has to lick it and bring it back to…
300
00:12:50,644 --> 00:12:52,938
No, she licks it
from one end to the other,
301
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:54,940
and if there's anything wrong with it,
302
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,567
she walks off and leaves it.
303
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,694
So when you're in business,
you're talking to somebody
304
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,237
and they say, "No, this deal's okay."
305
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,656
They go, "Uh, you gotta lick
that calf over again."
306
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:05,409
- You gotta review the paperwork.
- Make sure there's nothing wrong.
307
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,411
You gotta dot your i's and cross your t's.
308
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:08,579
There you go.
309
00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,915
Great. One for one. There we go.
Okay. Cool.
310
00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:13,667
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- My man. My man.
311
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:16,504
Now, next time I'm looking on YouTube
312
00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:18,464
and I see something,
you better start using this.
313
00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:20,591
If you're gonna do me, you gotta do me.
314
00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:23,302
You're right. Okay.
So now, uh… Now how about, uh…
315
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:24,303
Give me one that…
316
00:13:24,386 --> 00:13:28,390
Do you have one that… that you improvise
on stage during your show?
317
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:31,143
You ever come up with a phrase
and you're like, "Fuck, that was good."
318
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:32,144
[chuckles]
319
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,604
'Cause I heard you say, like, uh…
320
00:13:33,687 --> 00:13:36,982
"There's no… There's like…
There's two sides to a pancake." Right?
321
00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:38,067
[audience laughs]
322
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,902
I once saw you say to some bitch…
323
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:41,111
You were like, uh…
324
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:44,532
There was a mom
and her daughter was being all real,
325
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:46,909
you know, just real
spazzy-bedazzy. You know?
326
00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:49,036
The daughter was like, you know,
"I don't smoke weed."
327
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:52,164
And the mom was like,
"Yeah, you do. I gave it to you."
328
00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:54,500
And you were like, "Both of you, shut up."
329
00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:57,002
Right? And then…
But you said it in a nice way.
330
00:13:57,086 --> 00:14:00,965
And then you said, "Hey, tell me, Mom,
where did she get the weed from?"
331
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:02,550
The Mom goes, "I don't wanna tell you."
332
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:05,636
And you said,
"I didn't come 90% of the way
333
00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:07,346
to get 10% of the information."
334
00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:08,764
That's what you said.
335
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:12,434
I fucking stood up and applauded.
And took my pants… It was an exciting day.
336
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:13,936
[audience laughs]
337
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,980
It felt like you shot that one
from the hip.
338
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:18,566
But was that a designed, strategic phrase?
339
00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:21,360
You know, I… I don't have a script.
340
00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:24,613
So I never know what I'm gonna say
until they say what they say.
341
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:26,532
- Got you.
- So it's all made up.
342
00:14:26,615 --> 00:14:28,576
- I'm sorry to say.
- [audience laughs]
343
00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:30,286
I mean, that's the way to do it.
344
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:32,705
Well, that just goes to show
you're a good listener, right?
345
00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:33,706
Yeah. You gotta listen.
346
00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:35,833
I never know
what they're gonna say. Trust me.
347
00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:38,002
And every time I think I've heard it all,
348
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:40,796
I walk out there and say,
"Oh shit, no, I haven't.
349
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,882
[all laugh]
350
00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:45,050
Do you go on the Internet?
351
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:47,761
[audience laughing]
352
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,180
Hold that thought. We'll be right back.
353
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,017
[audience laughing, cheering]
354
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,643
[Adam] No, we'll keep it right here.
355
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:56,729
We'll keep it right here.
356
00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:00,941
No, th-- that's how I found you.
357
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,318
- Okay.
- On the Internet.
358
00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:06,071
Somebody called and said,
"Have you seen this guy on the Internet?"
359
00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,490
What was your first thought?
360
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:12,494
Um, I thought,
"I don't have time to look at this shit."
361
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,580
[all laughing]
362
00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:24,673
- Touché.
- Uh-- No.
363
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:28,135
No, then my son Jordan said,
"No, you really should look at this."
364
00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:31,096
And I looked at it and, um, I thought,
365
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:34,266
"This guy is really funny."
366
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:37,603
I have to admit.
I thought it was absolutely hilarious.
367
00:15:37,686 --> 00:15:39,521
[audience cheering, applauding]
368
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:40,940
I'm serious.
369
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,024
Appreciate it.
370
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:43,192
[Dr. Phil] Um…
371
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:49,990
What if I just started crying,
looking like this, in front of real Phil?
372
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:51,867
[laughs]
373
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,869
Yeah, well, it's…
You know, you gotta throw darts.
374
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:55,579
Life is all about just trying. You know?
375
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:58,666
I mean, I know that you…
I know that you subscribe to that, right?
376
00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:00,125
It's starting a new network.
377
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:02,836
I mean, it's always…
You've been active in the business
378
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,673
for… for quite some time,
so it's a big venture to go,
379
00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:08,175
"I'm gonna start
an entirely new project." Right?
380
00:16:08,258 --> 00:16:11,512
Yeah. Um,
I'm supposed to be, like, retired
381
00:16:11,595 --> 00:16:13,889
and sitting around the house or something.
382
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,391
Robin said, "That ain't happening."
383
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:17,851
- Robin said, "No"?
- She said, "No, that's not happening."
384
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:19,103
- Fuckin' Robin.
- Yeah.
385
00:16:19,186 --> 00:16:21,438
- [audience laughing]
- Um…
386
00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:25,609
Uh, I'm gonna make a note
and tell her you said that.
387
00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:26,944
No-- [laughs]
388
00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:28,862
[Dr. Phil] Let me see.
389
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,531
You can do it later. It's fine.
390
00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:32,491
- It's 8:55…
- [laughing] 8:55.
391
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,910
…when you derogated my wife.
392
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,787
- [laughs]
- Okay, got it. Okay.
393
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:39,665
Wait, now you've been married--
It's been what? 40--
394
00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:40,582
Forty-eight years.
395
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:43,002
Guys, give it up. 48 years.
That's an exciting time.
396
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:44,545
[audience cheering]
397
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:48,757
- And there is a secret to that.
- I was gonna ask.
398
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,300
There is a secret to that.
399
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:53,679
And I… I learned it,
maybe eight, ten years into it.
400
00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:55,973
And that is, when she says, "What?"
401
00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,976
It isn't that she didn't hear you.
402
00:16:59,059 --> 00:16:59,977
[laughs]
403
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:03,230
She's given you a chance
to change what you've said,
404
00:17:04,064 --> 00:17:06,400
and you better, by God, take it.
405
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:09,361
It's not that she didn't hear you.
406
00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:11,488
[audience laughing]
407
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:12,948
Yeah, it's just she's given you--
408
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,200
She's letting you
step around the grenade, right?
409
00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:16,118
Yeah, one time.
410
00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:18,537
She's given you one shot
and you better take it.
411
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:20,414
You better throw yourself on that grenade,
412
00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:23,250
and say, "Oh, no, no.
It's not you. No, no."
413
00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:25,252
Yeah. "No, no, no. That was Pornhub."
414
00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:28,422
"That-- That was our son's laptop. Yeah."
415
00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:29,882
Now, is there a time though?
416
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:32,342
Like, you gotta pick your battles.
Is that a real thing or no?
417
00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:35,012
She's had your babies and…
418
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:38,015
and, uh, you…
you just don't want to go there.
419
00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:39,725
Yeah. Our babies. Yeah.
420
00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:41,477
- Yeah. Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
421
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:43,562
What's your favorite color?
422
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:46,857
[smacking lips] Why?
423
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,401
- Just trying--
- What made you ask that?
424
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:50,402
W-- Well, uh…
425
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,946
What would you do
with the information if you had it?
426
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,324
[audience cheering, applauding]
427
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:57,117
Well, seeing as how you're dressed
428
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:59,536
like a waiter
at the Olive Garden right now,
429
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,121
I would say it's black.
430
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:05,334
But if push came to shove,
I'd strike you as a navy blue guy.
431
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,503
[audience laughing]
432
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:11,048
I feel like navy blue, you wear it well.
I think I've seen you in blue suits.
433
00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:12,925
I've seen us in blue suits. [laughs]
434
00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:14,510
[audience laughs]
435
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,013
Well, my favorite color
436
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:20,557
is navy blue.
437
00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:23,602
[audience cheering, applauding]
438
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:30,901
When you're flying around, right,
439
00:18:30,984 --> 00:18:34,988
uh, around the country, doing press
for the book, for the network,
440
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:36,198
do you… do have a…
441
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:39,201
You know, travelling always,
I think, creates habits.
442
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:40,869
Okay? You gotta find a routine.
443
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,038
Do you have a routine food or snack wise?
444
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,957
That's one of my favorite things
to know about people.
445
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,416
You can learn a lot about somebody,
446
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,878
uh, based on what sort
of munch and crunch they're taking down.
447
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,923
Are you a Pop-Tart guy,
or a Crustable guy,
448
00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:55,509
or a… an untrustable guy?
449
00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:56,885
[audience laughs]
450
00:18:57,845 --> 00:18:59,847
I actually do have a favorite snack.
451
00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:00,973
- Great.
- Yeah.
452
00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:03,433
- I ain't telling you.
- [laughing] Okay.
453
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:07,646
Well, let's play a little game called
"What's my favorite snack?"
454
00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:08,981
All right.
455
00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:10,983
- I get three guesses, okay?
- Okay. Go.
456
00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:13,068
- Uh…
- Nope.
457
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,444
[all laugh]
458
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,199
What else?
459
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,325
Dai… [laughs]
460
00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:22,578
Uh, Dairy Queen Blizzard.
461
00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:25,122
- Nope.
- Okay.
462
00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:27,541
Uh, chocolate bar.
463
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:30,419
- What?
- [audience laughs]
464
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,296
What, are you born in the '20s?
465
00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:35,174
They have names now like Hershey's,
and Snickers, and…
466
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:36,758
Okay.
467
00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,302
"Chocolate bar."
468
00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:41,138
What-- "I'd like a chocolate bar, please."
469
00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:42,181
What?
470
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:43,974
"I'd like a chocolate bar."
471
00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:46,185
What-- Uh-- What?
472
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:48,187
[audience cheering]
473
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:49,146
[Dr. Phil] Um…
474
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,276
I just watched…
475
00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:57,112
rewatched Willy Wonka
& the Chocolate Factory last night,
476
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,989
and Charlie Bucket, super poor…
477
00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:00,490
His last name's fucking Bucket.
478
00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:01,617
[audience laughs]
479
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:05,078
…wandered into the store and said,
"Can I have a chocolate bar, sir?"
480
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:08,749
So, sorry if I'm fucking, you know,
stuck in the '20s, bitch.
481
00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:09,958
[Dr. Phil] So you were…
482
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:12,669
Hershey's, Snickers, Reese's Pieces…
483
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:15,756
What time were you watching
Willy Wonka last night?
484
00:20:17,132 --> 00:20:17,966
Guess.
485
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,843
[audience laughs]
486
00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:21,303
Not so fun, is it?
487
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:23,347
- Uh, what did you…
- [audience laughing]
488
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:24,723
What…
489
00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:27,809
Now what I want to know is,
what did you turn down
490
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,103
to watch Willy Wonka last night?
491
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,772
2 Girls 1 Cup.
492
00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:33,232
[audience laughs]
493
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,150
[cheering, applauding]
494
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,695
You happy? You… You got your answer.
495
00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:40,697
- You'd already seen that.
- [laughs]
496
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:41,949
[audience laughing]
497
00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:47,412
You're good.
498
00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:48,789
Yeah.
499
00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:50,582
- You have no idea.
- [laughs]
500
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:53,669
I'm having a good time.
501
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:54,836
- Yeah?
- It's fun.
502
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,672
You've been to The Comedy Store before?
503
00:20:56,755 --> 00:21:00,259
I've been here…
I've been here once a long time ago.
504
00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:02,135
A good friend of mine,
Ron White, was here.
505
00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:05,138
Give it up for Ron White.
That's a living legend right there.
506
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:06,181
[audience cheering]
507
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,891
That's a good guy with a good heart.
508
00:21:09,142 --> 00:21:10,769
- He is a good guy.
- Uh…
509
00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:14,231
Yeah, funny. You know, it's, uh…
it's not an easy thing to come out
510
00:21:14,314 --> 00:21:17,317
and just swing like this and…
and hit home runs, you know?
511
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:20,028
Have you always trusted yourself
in the comedy world?
512
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,322
'Cause, on the show,
you're not trying to be funny, right?
513
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:23,365
Just happens.
514
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:25,450
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]
515
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,077
Yeah.
516
00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:28,620
I'm, um…
517
00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:30,956
You know, I just do me.
518
00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:34,209
I… I don't know.
I don't try to be one way or the other.
519
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:35,210
But you know what?
520
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:37,462
People ask me questions.
They ask questions.
521
00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:39,965
They need to be ready to hear the answers,
the way I figure it.
522
00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:42,884
And if they like, they like it.
If they don't, they don't.
523
00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:44,928
I was looking for something to do,
I had to do it.
524
00:21:45,012 --> 00:21:46,013
[audience cheering]
525
00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:47,180
That's what's up.
526
00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:48,557
And, uh…
527
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,350
Don't… Don't we feel that way?
528
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:51,768
We feel… [laughs] Yeah, we do.
529
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:52,769
[audience laughs]
530
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:55,647
But we have to.
It's a changing… an ever-changing world.
531
00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:58,358
Yeah. Look, you gonna
piss somebody off all the time,
532
00:21:58,442 --> 00:22:00,193
so you might as well do what you want.
533
00:22:00,277 --> 00:22:02,654
[audience cheering]
534
00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:04,281
Boy, ain't that the truth.
535
00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:07,117
I have that tattooed on my lower back.
536
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,327
Do you?
537
00:22:08,410 --> 00:22:09,703
That's your tramp stamp?
538
00:22:09,786 --> 00:22:11,330
- That's my tramp stamp.
- [all laugh]
539
00:22:11,413 --> 00:22:12,748
Okay. Got it.
540
00:22:12,831 --> 00:22:14,082
A day off for Phil looks like…
541
00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:16,793
What, Six Flags or a Dave & Buster's?
542
00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:18,962
Are you a big-- Are we a Skee-Ball guy?
543
00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:20,172
You know?
544
00:22:21,214 --> 00:22:25,719
No, you know, I'm kind of a loner,
kinda homebody type.
545
00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:28,388
I… I get some time
where I don't have shit to do.
546
00:22:28,472 --> 00:22:29,639
- Yeah.
- I can get…
547
00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:34,019
You'd be surprised how worthless I can get
if you give me a couple of days off.
548
00:22:34,102 --> 00:22:35,145
I mean, I…
549
00:22:35,228 --> 00:22:37,606
Seriously, I'm like a lizard on a rock.
550
00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:39,733
- I… I just…
- That's what I'm talking about.
551
00:22:39,816 --> 00:22:42,277
That… That felt like a made-up saying
right there.
552
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:43,403
A lizard on a rock.
553
00:22:43,487 --> 00:22:45,864
No, I mean, have you ever watched
a lizard on a rock?
554
00:22:45,947 --> 00:22:47,532
No. I got better shit to do.
555
00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:49,076
What the fuck are you talking about?
556
00:22:49,159 --> 00:22:51,203
- Have you seen TV?
- No, you obviously don't,
557
00:22:51,286 --> 00:22:55,499
or you wouldn't be here in that suit
pretending to be me.
558
00:22:55,582 --> 00:22:57,584
[audience cheering, applauding]
559
00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:05,550
- I hear you.
- Yeah.
560
00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:07,094
[audience laughs]
561
00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:09,888
I am a big zoo guy though.
562
00:23:09,971 --> 00:23:10,847
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
563
00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:11,890
So, lizard on a rock…
564
00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:14,393
I know they got
a reptile category at the zoo,
565
00:23:14,476 --> 00:23:15,936
but I'm more of a gorilla…
566
00:23:16,019 --> 00:23:18,772
Ever see a gorilla just fire off a load
in front of a kid?
567
00:23:18,855 --> 00:23:20,524
- [audience laughs]
- Yeah.
568
00:23:21,108 --> 00:23:24,611
Now, I… I have to say
that's still on my bucket list.
569
00:23:24,694 --> 00:23:26,405
[all laugh]
570
00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:27,572
I'll send you a link.
571
00:23:27,656 --> 00:23:29,282
- Yeah.
- [audience laughs]
572
00:23:29,366 --> 00:23:32,994
Um, I know we got a lot of people out here
that came out to enjoy the show,
573
00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:35,122
but there's also people
dealing with some issues.
574
00:23:35,205 --> 00:23:36,415
They're on the struggle bus.
575
00:23:36,498 --> 00:23:38,625
They got a one-way ticket
to "What the fuck's going on?"
576
00:23:38,708 --> 00:23:40,710
- Did you say "struggle bus"?
- Struggle bus, yeah.
577
00:23:40,794 --> 00:23:41,878
[audience laughs]
578
00:23:43,463 --> 00:23:44,631
[audience laughs]
579
00:23:46,550 --> 00:23:48,218
[scattered applause]
580
00:23:49,094 --> 00:23:51,721
- Do you give advice at these shows?
- [chuckles]
581
00:23:52,681 --> 00:23:55,183
Hold that thought, Phil. Uh, does anybody…
582
00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:57,811
Does anybody have anything
they'd like to get off their chest?
583
00:23:57,894 --> 00:23:58,770
What's that?
584
00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:01,022
- Oh shit. Oh my fuckin' God.
- [audience cheering]
585
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:02,649
Oh my fuckin' God.
586
00:24:02,732 --> 00:24:05,318
Oh shit. Oh shit.
587
00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:06,987
Oh my God.
588
00:24:07,070 --> 00:24:09,322
- Oh my God.
- [cheering continues]
589
00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:11,825
Sweet mother of God.
590
00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:14,327
This… Oh!
591
00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:15,704
Oh my God.
592
00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:18,582
[laughing] Oh, Jesus Christ.
593
00:24:18,665 --> 00:24:21,543
This is everything
I was hoping for and more.
594
00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:23,837
Dear God.
595
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,089
What in God's name?
596
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:27,924
Gabe, haven't you been
on this show before?
597
00:24:28,008 --> 00:24:29,926
I have. I did the same thing last time.
598
00:24:30,010 --> 00:24:31,595
[audience laughs]
599
00:24:31,678 --> 00:24:34,556
- And how did it work out for you?
- [in singsong] I'm back.
600
00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:36,558
[audience laughs]
601
00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:38,185
Well, Gabe, you came on the show,
602
00:24:38,268 --> 00:24:40,020
I think, with Andrew Santino
and Bobby Lee,
603
00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:42,314
and you ripped it up
just like you did just now.
604
00:24:42,397 --> 00:24:43,440
Why are you back?
605
00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:47,110
You told me that if I believed in myself,
my dreams would come true.
606
00:24:47,194 --> 00:24:49,321
And that was a fucking lie
'cause it didn't come true.
607
00:24:49,404 --> 00:24:50,405
Well, what are you…
608
00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:52,324
Phil, you got any questions?
609
00:24:52,407 --> 00:24:54,159
[audience laughs]
610
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,789
Well, I sure have more questions
than answers.
611
00:24:59,873 --> 00:25:01,750
[audience laughs]
612
00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:06,296
This guy seems like he actually…
may actually have some talent.
613
00:25:06,379 --> 00:25:08,548
[audience cheering]
614
00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:10,800
Oh shit. Oh my God.
615
00:25:10,884 --> 00:25:12,886
We'll get-- Okay.
All right, Dances with Wolves.
616
00:25:12,969 --> 00:25:14,638
All right. Yup.
617
00:25:14,721 --> 00:25:17,432
Gabe, Gabe-- Oh, Jesus fuckin' Christ!
618
00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:19,100
What move is that? That…
619
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:22,437
This feels like the horny ghost
that was stealing my granola bars.
620
00:25:23,021 --> 00:25:24,356
Gabe, hold on for a-- Hey…
621
00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:25,315
[chuckling] Okay.
622
00:25:25,398 --> 00:25:27,025
What is your dream, by the way?
623
00:25:27,108 --> 00:25:29,653
You said I didn't help you pursue it.
What is it?
624
00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:31,780
I wanted to breakdance in the Olympics.
625
00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:34,241
[audience laughing]
626
00:25:34,324 --> 00:25:35,659
You're in the right city.
627
00:25:35,742 --> 00:25:37,452
That's right. They're gonna be here.
628
00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:38,787
They're coming here next.
629
00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:39,955
Gabe, do you wanna audition
630
00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:42,958
for the Los Angeles Olympics
right here, right now?
631
00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:45,752
- [audience cheering, applauding]
- Oh, come on.
632
00:25:45,835 --> 00:25:47,546
[audience cheering]
633
00:25:47,629 --> 00:25:48,713
[man] Gabe! Gabe!
634
00:25:48,797 --> 00:25:50,173
Hit it, DJ!
635
00:25:50,257 --> 00:25:52,259
[dance music playing]
636
00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:05,522
[rhythmic clapping]
637
00:26:05,605 --> 00:26:07,399
- [audience cheering]
- Holy shit!
638
00:26:07,482 --> 00:26:08,650
Okay.
639
00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:10,652
Holy shit!
640
00:26:11,194 --> 00:26:12,279
Holy shit!
641
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:16,116
He did it, guys.
Keep it goin' for Gabe. There he goes.
642
00:26:16,199 --> 00:26:17,200
There he goes.
643
00:26:17,284 --> 00:26:19,160
Gabe, I fuckin' love you, player.
644
00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:20,704
Guys, keep it goin' for Gabe.
645
00:26:20,787 --> 00:26:22,831
He's Olympic bound in Los Angeles.
646
00:26:22,914 --> 00:26:25,375
And guys, one more time
for the real Dr. Phil.
647
00:26:25,458 --> 00:26:27,544
Here he goes, baby. Phil McGraw.
648
00:26:27,627 --> 00:26:28,837
All right, guys.
649
00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:34,342
[audience chanting] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
650
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:37,220
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
651
00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:39,848
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
652
00:26:39,931 --> 00:26:42,684
Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
653
00:26:42,767 --> 00:26:44,269
[audience cheering]
654
00:26:46,146 --> 00:26:48,481
We will be right back.
655
00:26:48,565 --> 00:26:50,025
- Oh shit.
- [audience cheering]
656
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:51,568
Don't go anywhere. We'll be back.
657
00:26:51,651 --> 00:26:53,069
[upbeat music playing]
658
00:26:57,324 --> 00:26:58,992
[inspirational music playing]
659
00:26:59,075 --> 00:27:01,036
[narrator] Have you ever felt the moon?
660
00:27:03,163 --> 00:27:05,582
Or listened to the heartbeat of a lion?
661
00:27:09,836 --> 00:27:12,881
In every space of time we live,
662
00:27:13,882 --> 00:27:16,217
searching, standing,
663
00:27:17,344 --> 00:27:18,303
breathing.
664
00:27:19,721 --> 00:27:22,891
The moment your mind escapes the truth.
665
00:27:24,267 --> 00:27:26,811
When passion follows the dream.
666
00:27:30,690 --> 00:27:32,400
And worlds collide.
667
00:27:32,984 --> 00:27:35,195
Touching, feeling,
668
00:27:36,029 --> 00:27:37,030
hoping.
669
00:27:38,531 --> 00:27:41,493
Have a sip of nature's dripping love.
670
00:27:43,411 --> 00:27:47,123
Only God knows why
the waves blow in the wind,
671
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,751
the sea sounds in dreams.
672
00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:51,836
[music continues]
673
00:27:54,964 --> 00:27:59,177
Who can tell us why we know
what we do, when we do.
674
00:27:59,803 --> 00:28:01,429
I get knocked down,
675
00:28:02,430 --> 00:28:03,682
but I get up again,
676
00:28:04,265 --> 00:28:06,267
and again, and again,
677
00:28:06,893 --> 00:28:07,894
and again.
678
00:28:11,272 --> 00:28:14,275
Love is the ultimate prize.
679
00:28:15,151 --> 00:28:17,445
The smell of confidence.
680
00:28:18,863 --> 00:28:22,492
LP cologne. Put a little man in you.
681
00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:24,244
[audience cheering]
682
00:28:24,327 --> 00:28:25,787
Holy shit.
683
00:28:25,870 --> 00:28:28,373
Guys, your next guest
on the Dr. Phil Live show…
684
00:28:28,456 --> 00:28:32,127
Uh, you might recognize from TV shows
like King of Queens, A.P. Bio,
685
00:28:32,210 --> 00:28:33,044
Parks and Rec--
686
00:28:33,128 --> 00:28:34,629
Maybe movies like Young Adult,
687
00:28:34,713 --> 00:28:36,798
The Secret Life of Pets, Ghost Busters.
688
00:28:36,881 --> 00:28:39,217
Uh, his countless stand-up specials.
689
00:28:39,300 --> 00:28:40,927
And, of course, my favorite…
690
00:28:41,010 --> 00:28:42,804
He's the voice
of motherfucking Ratatouille.
691
00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:46,850
Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up
for the one and only Patton Oswalt.
692
00:28:46,933 --> 00:28:48,226
Here he comes right now.
693
00:28:48,309 --> 00:28:49,519
[rock music playing]
694
00:28:49,602 --> 00:28:50,979
[audience cheering]
695
00:29:02,782 --> 00:29:04,576
Here we go.
Guys, Patton Oswalt. There he is.
696
00:29:04,659 --> 00:29:06,453
- Make some noise for him.
- Hi, guys. Thank you.
697
00:29:06,536 --> 00:29:07,537
[audience cheering]
698
00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:09,456
What a gangster. Living legend.
699
00:29:09,539 --> 00:29:10,832
How you doin'? You feelin' good?
700
00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:13,918
Uh, yeah. I'm feeling
a little shaky right now
701
00:29:14,002 --> 00:29:17,213
{\an8}just from-- I think all of us,
feeling a little surreal.
702
00:29:17,297 --> 00:29:19,549
{\an8}But, um, I think we're gonna…
703
00:29:19,632 --> 00:29:22,844
What would be your advice to me right now?
I'm a little out of sorts.
704
00:29:22,927 --> 00:29:24,471
Do I roll with it? What do I do?
705
00:29:24,554 --> 00:29:26,723
Patton, is Ratatouille based
on a true story?
706
00:29:26,806 --> 00:29:29,142
- [audience laughs]
- Um…
707
00:29:29,225 --> 00:29:30,769
You narrated one of my favorite shows.
708
00:29:30,852 --> 00:29:32,812
- The Goldbergs.
- Thank you.
709
00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:35,565
Guys, give it up for The Goldbergs
and Patton Oswalt.
710
00:29:35,648 --> 00:29:37,984
A great show with
a great message and a great family.
711
00:29:38,067 --> 00:29:38,902
Yeah.
712
00:29:38,985 --> 00:29:41,196
And I just got so jealous watching that.
713
00:29:41,279 --> 00:29:42,655
I was like, "Fuck, I would love--"
714
00:29:42,739 --> 00:29:45,200
It's one of my… my bucket list items,
715
00:29:45,283 --> 00:29:48,828
to have you narrate any part of my life.
716
00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:49,913
Oh. All right.
717
00:29:49,996 --> 00:29:52,916
So, if you don't mind,
I'd love to throw up some sweet music
718
00:29:52,999 --> 00:29:54,876
that I picked to be my soundtrack,
719
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,545
and you can just kinda
casually Goldberg it up
720
00:29:57,629 --> 00:29:59,464
and… and narrate my day-to-day.
721
00:29:59,547 --> 00:30:00,965
And I'll just kinda fart around here
722
00:30:01,049 --> 00:30:02,884
and you just kinda describe
what's goin' on.
723
00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:04,886
- Is that cool?
- Okay. Here we go. Absolutely.
724
00:30:04,969 --> 00:30:07,138
All right. Hit me with
some "feel alive" music, Stephen.
725
00:30:07,222 --> 00:30:08,223
You got something to--
726
00:30:08,306 --> 00:30:10,975
- [lively music playing]
- Oh my gosh.
727
00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:13,770
- We'll start with me in bed.
- Okay. [smacks lips]
728
00:30:13,853 --> 00:30:16,981
It was September 19th,
nineteen eighty-something,
729
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:20,902
and Dr. Phil was waking up
with the crack of dawn.
730
00:30:21,569 --> 00:30:25,073
The sun came through the slats
of his Venetian blinds
731
00:30:26,574 --> 00:30:30,787
as he did his five Tibetan rituals
732
00:30:30,870 --> 00:30:33,623
that he did every morning
to wake himself up.
733
00:30:33,706 --> 00:30:35,750
[audience laughing]
734
00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:38,294
This morning, they morphed
into the Macarena.
735
00:30:39,420 --> 00:30:41,923
And he would take that Latin energy
736
00:30:42,006 --> 00:30:43,800
straight into the kitchen
737
00:30:43,883 --> 00:30:45,885
where he made his usual breakfast
738
00:30:46,886 --> 00:30:47,887
of…
739
00:30:51,140 --> 00:30:53,685
a room-temperature Michelob.
740
00:30:53,768 --> 00:30:55,770
[audience laughs]
741
00:30:55,854 --> 00:30:57,856
[scattered applause]
742
00:30:58,481 --> 00:31:01,317
The fizziness and the carbs
743
00:31:02,068 --> 00:31:04,153
ru-- rush right to his brain.
744
00:31:04,737 --> 00:31:06,573
And suddenly, he had an idea.
745
00:31:07,323 --> 00:31:09,450
An amazing segment that he would do
746
00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:11,578
on the Dr. Phil show that day.
747
00:31:11,661 --> 00:31:13,663
He couldn't wait to call his producer
748
00:31:13,746 --> 00:31:16,082
and tell him what this segment would be.
749
00:31:16,165 --> 00:31:17,166
But first…
750
00:31:18,001 --> 00:31:19,127
But first…
751
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:22,005
[audience laughing]
752
00:31:22,755 --> 00:31:24,883
…he had to login online
753
00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:27,677
and see if there were any…
754
00:31:31,639 --> 00:31:35,518
and see if there were
any local fetish clubs
755
00:31:37,478 --> 00:31:39,063
that combined…
756
00:31:39,147 --> 00:31:40,106
[clicks tongue]
757
00:31:40,189 --> 00:31:41,816
…both pony play…
758
00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:45,862
and squirting.
759
00:31:45,945 --> 00:31:47,906
[audience laughing]
760
00:31:48,615 --> 00:31:51,200
Alas, once he hit enter,
761
00:31:51,284 --> 00:31:53,578
there were only 710 hits.
762
00:31:55,914 --> 00:31:58,374
So, he looked in the mirror
763
00:31:58,958 --> 00:32:00,168
and said, "Dr. Phil,
764
00:32:00,835 --> 00:32:03,171
people need to hear what you have to say."
765
00:32:04,255 --> 00:32:06,758
"People need to hear
what you have to give."
766
00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:08,760
"And most of all,
767
00:32:09,344 --> 00:32:11,346
people need the strength
768
00:32:11,846 --> 00:32:14,223
that you put out
769
00:32:14,307 --> 00:32:16,225
in the world."
770
00:32:16,726 --> 00:32:18,561
[all cheering]
771
00:32:19,812 --> 00:32:20,772
[music ends]
772
00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:23,566
- Holy shit. That was fuckin'…
- Wow. That was…
773
00:32:23,650 --> 00:32:25,193
I almost started crying. I'm not…
774
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:26,361
- Yeah.
- That was un--
775
00:32:26,444 --> 00:32:27,737
God, you're so good at that.
776
00:32:27,820 --> 00:32:30,031
Thank you. Yeah.
I… I do a lot of voiceover.
777
00:32:30,114 --> 00:32:31,824
- You mentioned trivia.
- Uh-oh.
778
00:32:31,908 --> 00:32:33,910
And you're a guy
that knows a lot about a lot.
779
00:32:33,993 --> 00:32:34,827
- Okay?
- I do.
780
00:32:34,911 --> 00:32:37,246
And one thing I know
that you really love is Star Wars.
781
00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:38,539
I do love Star Wars.
782
00:32:38,623 --> 00:32:39,457
I know you do.
783
00:32:39,540 --> 00:32:41,292
- I love Star Wars.
- Who else loves Star Wars?
784
00:32:41,376 --> 00:32:43,211
Any Star Wars people?
785
00:32:43,294 --> 00:32:45,129
Well, please welcome George Lucas--
786
00:32:45,213 --> 00:32:46,756
- I'm just kidding.
- Oh. What the--
787
00:32:46,839 --> 00:32:48,049
Wouldn't that be fuckin' cool?
788
00:32:48,132 --> 00:32:49,884
At this point, that would not surprise me.
789
00:32:49,968 --> 00:32:51,344
- [laughs] Yeah.
- At all.
790
00:32:51,427 --> 00:32:53,179
Now, I want to play a little game
791
00:32:53,262 --> 00:32:55,264
'cause I know you probably know more
about Star Wars
792
00:32:55,348 --> 00:32:56,349
than anybody that I know.
793
00:32:56,432 --> 00:32:58,643
I want to test your knowledge
in Star Wars.
794
00:32:58,726 --> 00:32:59,644
- Cool?
- Okay.
795
00:32:59,727 --> 00:33:00,853
In a little game, uh--
796
00:33:00,937 --> 00:33:05,525
In a little game we'd like to call
"Hey, Patton, what do you know--"
797
00:33:05,608 --> 00:33:07,610
"Do you know this about Star Wars?"
798
00:33:07,694 --> 00:33:10,113
[game intro music plays]
799
00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:12,824
- That was fucking 30 bucks well spent.
- I'm sorry. That--
800
00:33:12,907 --> 00:33:15,660
That… That sentence has a theme sting?
801
00:33:15,743 --> 00:33:17,036
- Yeah.
- Wow.
802
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:17,996
- All right.
- All right.
803
00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:19,247
So first question here.
804
00:33:19,330 --> 00:33:22,709
Uh, where did Obi-Wan take Luke
after his birth?
805
00:33:23,501 --> 00:33:25,461
Where did he take Luke after his birth?
806
00:33:25,545 --> 00:33:27,088
Oh. He took him to Tatooine.
807
00:33:27,171 --> 00:33:28,256
No. The answer's Arby's.
808
00:33:28,339 --> 00:33:29,507
- Now--
- Oh.
809
00:33:29,590 --> 00:33:30,591
[audience laughs]
810
00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:32,677
- Oh for one. Uh… Patton…
- Goddamn.
811
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:33,845
It's all right. We got more.
812
00:33:33,928 --> 00:33:35,680
Who are Kylo Ren's parents?
813
00:33:36,389 --> 00:33:40,643
Kylo Ren's parents are
Han Solo and Princess Leia.
814
00:33:40,727 --> 00:33:43,855
- No, it's Ben and Jerry. Uh, now…
- [audience laughs]
815
00:33:43,938 --> 00:33:44,981
These are the facts.
816
00:33:45,064 --> 00:33:47,859
- Wow.
- Uh, what is the name of Han Solo's ship?
817
00:33:47,942 --> 00:33:49,861
Oh. The Millennium Falcon.
818
00:33:49,944 --> 00:33:51,988
No. It's the Harrison Ford Fuck Mobile.
819
00:33:52,071 --> 00:33:54,157
- Oh man!
- [audience laughs]
820
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:56,284
[audience cheering]
821
00:33:56,367 --> 00:33:58,703
Which is also a great name
for a Cher cover band.
822
00:33:58,786 --> 00:34:00,288
That would be. Oh wow.
823
00:34:00,371 --> 00:34:01,497
What was, uh…
824
00:34:01,581 --> 00:34:04,417
What-- Where was Yoda's home
in his final years?
825
00:34:04,500 --> 00:34:07,295
Oh, um, the swamp planet of Dagobah.
826
00:34:07,378 --> 00:34:09,172
- No. It was Boca Raton, Florida.
- Oh.
827
00:34:09,255 --> 00:34:12,884
He was retired with a bunch of hot Jews.
828
00:34:12,967 --> 00:34:14,010
- Damn.
- Um…
829
00:34:14,802 --> 00:34:15,970
Uh, who killed Jabba?
830
00:34:16,054 --> 00:34:17,638
[imitating Yoda] Shuffleboard, I'll play.
831
00:34:17,722 --> 00:34:19,265
- All right. Sorry.
- [laughs]
832
00:34:19,348 --> 00:34:21,059
Um, say it again.
833
00:34:21,142 --> 00:34:23,352
That deserved more laughter.
Fuck you, guys.
834
00:34:23,436 --> 00:34:25,229
- [all laugh]
- He did a Yoda.
835
00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:27,565
He did Yoda as an old Jew in Florida.
836
00:34:27,648 --> 00:34:28,775
Exactly. Yeah.
837
00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:30,234
[laughs]
838
00:34:30,318 --> 00:34:32,445
- My man. My man.
- Thank you, my friend.
839
00:34:32,528 --> 00:34:34,906
Uh, okay. What species is Chewbacca?
840
00:34:34,989 --> 00:34:36,783
[clicks tongue] He's a Wookiee.
841
00:34:36,866 --> 00:34:38,159
Okay.
842
00:34:38,242 --> 00:34:39,994
Can you do an impression of a Wookiee?
843
00:34:40,703 --> 00:34:42,663
[trilling]
844
00:34:42,747 --> 00:34:45,041
[audience cheering, applauding]
845
00:34:47,502 --> 00:34:48,920
That is pretty good.
846
00:34:49,003 --> 00:34:49,837
Now, what--
847
00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:52,298
Can we cut that?
I don't want people seeing my O face.
848
00:34:52,381 --> 00:34:54,884
[all laughing]
849
00:34:54,967 --> 00:34:56,344
That's just for my wife.
850
00:34:56,427 --> 00:34:57,720
- Yeah. [laughs]
- All right.
851
00:34:57,804 --> 00:34:59,097
- You're a good man.
- Okay.
852
00:34:59,180 --> 00:35:00,515
Now, do you make that-- [laughs]
853
00:35:00,598 --> 00:35:02,433
Do you make that noise
when it's happenin'?
854
00:35:02,517 --> 00:35:05,228
Uh, I make that noise
when I'm ramping up to it.
855
00:35:05,311 --> 00:35:07,688
- [laughs]
- Yeah.
856
00:35:07,772 --> 00:35:10,858
- Yeah, mine's pretty standard.
- Yeah? What is… What's yours?
857
00:35:11,734 --> 00:35:12,610
Aah!
858
00:35:12,693 --> 00:35:14,737
[audience laughs]
859
00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:16,614
[Patton] I'm sorry.
860
00:35:16,697 --> 00:35:18,449
Are you surprised when you cum?
861
00:35:18,533 --> 00:35:20,535
[laughing]
862
00:35:21,202 --> 00:35:23,454
Does it creep up on you?
863
00:35:23,538 --> 00:35:24,455
[laughing] Man.
864
00:35:24,539 --> 00:35:26,374
Yeah, it's… [laughs]
865
00:35:26,457 --> 00:35:28,459
I'm not with my wife.
I'm just having breakfast.
866
00:35:28,543 --> 00:35:30,545
- Oh, okay. [laughs]
- Guys, Patton Oswalt.
867
00:35:30,628 --> 00:35:32,839
- Let him hear it. The great Patton Oswalt.
- Thank you.
868
00:35:32,922 --> 00:35:35,007
- [cheering]
- You're a legend. You're a living legend.
869
00:35:35,091 --> 00:35:36,717
- I love you for being here.
- Thank you.
870
00:35:36,801 --> 00:35:39,011
One more time for Patton Oswalt.
Let him hear it.
871
00:35:39,095 --> 00:35:40,638
[audience cheering]
872
00:35:44,725 --> 00:35:46,561
There he goes. The great Patton Oswalt.
873
00:35:46,644 --> 00:35:50,064
The great Patton Oswalt
coming out for a couple of chuckles.
874
00:35:50,148 --> 00:35:52,358
A couple of handshakes. Maybe a shoe.
875
00:35:52,441 --> 00:35:53,860
I ordered something earlier.
876
00:35:53,943 --> 00:35:54,777
Delivery.
877
00:35:54,861 --> 00:35:57,071
Great. Okay. I ordered some Grubhub.
878
00:35:57,780 --> 00:36:00,324
Holy shit, it's Joe Gatto
from Impractical Jokers.
879
00:36:00,408 --> 00:36:02,410
- Oh my God.
- [audience cheering]
880
00:36:08,457 --> 00:36:09,792
Hey.
881
00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:11,961
- What's up, y'all? How are you?
- [all cheering]
882
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:13,838
- Um, this is--
- Are you… You're Ph…
883
00:36:13,921 --> 00:36:15,464
- You're Phil?
- Yeah.
884
00:36:16,132 --> 00:36:18,092
Yeah, I'm, uh… You're Grubhub?
885
00:36:18,176 --> 00:36:19,844
- Yeah, Grubhub.
- Oh, okay.
886
00:36:19,927 --> 00:36:21,470
This is my one single meatball?
887
00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:23,014
That's what you ordered.
888
00:36:23,097 --> 00:36:25,683
[Adam] How about this, Eric?
How about I'll tip Joe out,
889
00:36:25,766 --> 00:36:28,019
but you gotta let him
feed you the meatball.
890
00:36:28,102 --> 00:36:29,937
- [all cheering]
- Yeah. Yeah?
891
00:36:30,021 --> 00:36:32,899
I think this is all gonna
go the way we all think it will.
892
00:36:32,982 --> 00:36:34,859
[upbeat music playing]
893
00:36:40,698 --> 00:36:42,950
Guys, keep it goin'
for Joe Gatto, everybody.
894
00:36:43,034 --> 00:36:45,328
That's a great guy with a great plan
895
00:36:45,411 --> 00:36:47,455
and a new special on YouTube right now.
896
00:36:47,538 --> 00:36:49,832
One more time for Joe Gatto.
There he goes…
897
00:36:49,916 --> 00:36:51,542
- [all cheering]
- …off into the world.
898
00:36:52,293 --> 00:36:54,003
Making friends one at a time.
899
00:36:54,086 --> 00:36:55,546
You guys ready for more show?
900
00:36:55,630 --> 00:36:57,590
I'm gonna keep this fuckin' train movin'.
901
00:36:58,090 --> 00:37:00,092
Your next guest,
you know him from TV shows
902
00:37:00,176 --> 00:37:01,719
like White Famous and The Masked Singer.
903
00:37:01,802 --> 00:37:05,139
Movies like Spinning Gold, Ride Along,
uh, and Resort to Love.
904
00:37:05,223 --> 00:37:07,475
He helped us feel better about ourselves,
905
00:37:07,558 --> 00:37:10,561
making us laugh on Saturday Night Live
for six years.
906
00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:12,188
And now he's here live in the flesh,
907
00:37:12,271 --> 00:37:14,273
with a new stand-up special
and a lot of fun to give.
908
00:37:14,357 --> 00:37:16,692
Ladies and gentlemen,
on Dr. Phil Live for the first time,
909
00:37:16,776 --> 00:37:20,279
give it up for Jay Pharoah!
910
00:37:20,363 --> 00:37:22,365
[R&B music playing]
911
00:37:36,629 --> 00:37:38,756
Ladies and gentlemen,
the one and only Jay Pharoah.
912
00:37:38,839 --> 00:37:41,008
- Let him hear it. Here he is.
- [all cheering]
913
00:37:41,092 --> 00:37:43,052
Making us feel better about ourselves.
914
00:37:43,761 --> 00:37:44,804
{\an8}- Goddamn. Look at you.
- Wow.
915
00:37:44,887 --> 00:37:46,722
{\an8}Look at that coat.
I wish I had the confidence
916
00:37:46,806 --> 00:37:48,099
to wear a fuckin' coat like that.
917
00:37:48,182 --> 00:37:49,183
Yeah, me too.
918
00:37:49,267 --> 00:37:52,353
I have the confidence to wear
my seven-year-old nephew's clothes.
919
00:37:52,436 --> 00:37:53,562
- [Adam laughs]
- Hell yeah!
920
00:37:53,646 --> 00:37:55,523
You got all these fans
that submitted questions.
921
00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:57,900
But you got one big fan live in the flesh.
922
00:37:57,984 --> 00:37:59,151
And before we get out of here,
923
00:37:59,235 --> 00:38:00,444
I told him. He wrote to me
924
00:38:00,528 --> 00:38:02,405
and he said,
"I'm a big fan of Jay Pharoah."
925
00:38:02,488 --> 00:38:04,532
- He's an actor here in Hollywood.
- Oh wow.
926
00:38:04,615 --> 00:38:07,243
He's been typecasted in dramas only.
927
00:38:07,326 --> 00:38:08,828
And he's tryin' to kinda switch over,
928
00:38:08,911 --> 00:38:11,330
transition into a lighter,
more fun-filled,
929
00:38:11,414 --> 00:38:12,748
maybe rom-com type situation.
930
00:38:12,832 --> 00:38:14,166
- Okay.
- So I told him to come out.
931
00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:15,584
Maybe we can give him some advice.
932
00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:18,462
Maybe we can coach him through
on how he's dealing with the business.
933
00:38:18,546 --> 00:38:21,257
And maybe we can get him
in the right direction towards success.
934
00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:22,383
Are you guys ready for him?
935
00:38:22,466 --> 00:38:24,385
Can I bring one more special guest
on the show?
936
00:38:24,468 --> 00:38:25,636
[audience] Yeah!
937
00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:29,348
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
from The Lord of the Rings II and III…
938
00:38:29,432 --> 00:38:30,850
Gollum, ladies and gentlemen.
939
00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:32,601
[mischievous music playing]
940
00:38:33,352 --> 00:38:35,354
[scoffs] What the fuck?!
941
00:38:36,814 --> 00:38:38,691
[audience cheering]
942
00:38:42,862 --> 00:38:44,155
[Jay] Ey, ey… [laughs]
943
00:38:45,531 --> 00:38:47,950
This is a… This is a six-foot Hobbit.
944
00:38:48,034 --> 00:38:49,535
That's crazy.
945
00:38:50,578 --> 00:38:52,204
He… [laughs]
946
00:38:52,997 --> 00:38:54,040
Holy shit.
947
00:38:55,708 --> 00:38:57,501
[laughing]
948
00:38:58,919 --> 00:39:01,130
[Adam] Ladies and gentlemen,
one more time for Gollum.
949
00:39:01,213 --> 00:39:03,090
- He's here--
- [Jay] Fucking Gollum.
950
00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:04,300
[audience cheering]
951
00:39:04,383 --> 00:39:06,427
[Adam] Dear fucking Christ!
952
00:39:06,510 --> 00:39:09,555
My precious!
953
00:39:09,638 --> 00:39:10,848
[audience cheers]
954
00:39:10,931 --> 00:39:11,807
- [Jay] Hi.
- Okay.
955
00:39:11,891 --> 00:39:14,685
Now, when I was told there was an actor
956
00:39:14,769 --> 00:39:17,063
that was wanting some advice, I didn't…
957
00:39:17,146 --> 00:39:19,899
I thought it was gonna be like,
I don't know, Greg Kinnear or something.
958
00:39:19,982 --> 00:39:21,609
[Jay mumbling, laughing]
959
00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:23,110
Uh, what's up, Gollum?
960
00:39:23,194 --> 00:39:24,320
Oh shit. You…
961
00:39:24,403 --> 00:39:26,197
If you fucking shit on my stage,
962
00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:28,199
I'm gonna be real mad about it.
963
00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:30,201
I wanna do the rom-com.
964
00:39:30,284 --> 00:39:32,661
I wanna… I wanna try different things.
965
00:39:32,745 --> 00:39:34,663
[Adam laughing] You wanna do rom-coms?
966
00:39:35,206 --> 00:39:37,208
You wanna do rom-coms?
967
00:39:37,708 --> 00:39:40,795
You think you're getting stuck?
You're getting pigeonholed in dramas?
968
00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:42,338
I think so.
969
00:39:42,421 --> 00:39:44,298
[in raspy voice] Gollum, Gollum, Gollum.
970
00:39:45,091 --> 00:39:48,386
- What the fuck is goin' on right now?
- I have no clue. Um…
971
00:39:48,469 --> 00:39:50,679
I've been told
that you got two personalities.
972
00:39:50,763 --> 00:39:51,931
- Is that true?
- [timidly] No.
973
00:39:52,014 --> 00:39:53,682
[evilly] Yes.
974
00:39:53,766 --> 00:39:54,600
[Jay laughs]
975
00:39:54,683 --> 00:39:55,935
Well, how about this, Gollum?
976
00:39:56,018 --> 00:39:59,271
How about we give you a shot, okay,
to be in a real life movie?
977
00:39:59,355 --> 00:40:00,314
Yeah, let's do it.
978
00:40:00,898 --> 00:40:04,110
I think it's only fair
that we give this guy a shot
979
00:40:04,193 --> 00:40:06,153
to really, uh, see his dreams through.
980
00:40:06,237 --> 00:40:07,822
Life is about throwing darts,
981
00:40:07,905 --> 00:40:09,323
and sometimes they don't stick,
982
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:11,200
but sometimes just got through
a bigger dart.
983
00:40:11,283 --> 00:40:12,952
So, how about this? Uh, I'm gonna…
984
00:40:13,035 --> 00:40:16,664
Uh, Stephen, hit me
with some rom-com trailer music.
985
00:40:16,747 --> 00:40:17,706
And how about this, Jay?
986
00:40:17,790 --> 00:40:19,834
I'm gonna narrate a trailer
987
00:40:19,917 --> 00:40:22,503
for a movie that Gollum will star in.
988
00:40:22,586 --> 00:40:23,546
- Okay?
- Okay. All right.
989
00:40:23,629 --> 00:40:26,006
Let's say he's playing the woman
in a rom-com,
990
00:40:26,090 --> 00:40:28,050
and I'll pepper it in with guest stars
991
00:40:28,134 --> 00:40:31,846
and I'll set you up for some impressions
to kinda fill out the movie. Sound good?
992
00:40:31,929 --> 00:40:33,305
- Yep. Let's go.
- Okay, great.
993
00:40:33,389 --> 00:40:35,391
[rom-com trailer music playing]
994
00:40:36,350 --> 00:40:37,268
This summer…
995
00:40:38,102 --> 00:40:39,061
[Jay laughs]
996
00:40:39,145 --> 00:40:42,982
Cindy Daniels was a successful
New York businesswoman.
997
00:40:43,065 --> 00:40:44,692
- [laughs]
- She had a cool family,
998
00:40:44,775 --> 00:40:46,652
a dog, a fish,
999
00:40:46,735 --> 00:40:48,154
a high-rise apartment.
1000
00:40:48,237 --> 00:40:51,031
But the only thing
she didn't have was love.
1001
00:40:52,324 --> 00:40:54,577
I just need a little bit of love.
1002
00:40:54,660 --> 00:40:56,036
Please?
1003
00:40:57,705 --> 00:40:59,915
Everywhere she went, people were like,
1004
00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:01,417
"What the fuck is that?"
1005
00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:03,043
[audience laughs]
1006
00:41:03,127 --> 00:41:06,797
Bars, gyms, rooftop barbecues,
1007
00:41:06,881 --> 00:41:09,675
all she wanted to do was
make a little small talk,
1008
00:41:09,758 --> 00:41:11,927
but the men had different ideas.
1009
00:41:12,011 --> 00:41:14,096
Like Ben, her boss.
1010
00:41:14,180 --> 00:41:17,266
Played by fuckin' Denzel Washington.
1011
00:41:17,349 --> 00:41:18,726
[audience laughs]
1012
00:41:20,644 --> 00:41:21,729
Um…
1013
00:41:24,023 --> 00:41:26,692
[imitating Denzel]
This ain't gonna happen. Okay? [laughs]
1014
00:41:28,194 --> 00:41:29,945
She got fired upon arrival,
1015
00:41:30,029 --> 00:41:31,447
her first day at work.
1016
00:41:31,530 --> 00:41:34,241
So Cindy did what any New Yorker would do.
1017
00:41:34,325 --> 00:41:37,119
She went online and matched with a new guy
1018
00:41:37,203 --> 00:41:39,246
who just moved into town as well.
1019
00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:42,458
Rob. Played by Eddie Murphy.
1020
00:41:43,751 --> 00:41:44,877
[imitating Eddie] Hey!
1021
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:46,462
Now, I've never tried this before,
1022
00:41:46,545 --> 00:41:49,507
but I'm… I'm certainly interested.
1023
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:51,592
[laughing]
1024
00:41:52,885 --> 00:41:55,888
- Will you give me a shot?
- I'll give you a whole bunch of shots.
1025
00:41:55,971 --> 00:41:57,139
What the hell you want?
1026
00:41:57,765 --> 00:41:59,099
[Jay laughs]
1027
00:41:59,183 --> 00:42:02,686
Rob and Cindy found love
in the most unex--
1028
00:42:02,770 --> 00:42:03,729
What are you doing?
1029
00:42:03,812 --> 00:42:05,648
- Rob and Cindy…
- [Jay] He's twerking.
1030
00:42:05,731 --> 00:42:09,401
…they went to an all-night rave
in Brooklyn
1031
00:42:09,985 --> 00:42:12,071
where they met Rob's brother.
1032
00:42:12,154 --> 00:42:14,740
Played by Jay-Z.
1033
00:42:16,283 --> 00:42:18,786
Rob's brother was the DJ at the nightclub
1034
00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:21,163
where Cindy and Rob hit it off.
1035
00:42:21,247 --> 00:42:23,457
[imitating Jay-Z] Yeah.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
1036
00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:25,960
Yo. Hey, yo, hold on one second.
1037
00:42:26,043 --> 00:42:28,921
Is that, um…
Is that Dobby from Harry Potter?
1038
00:42:29,004 --> 00:42:31,257
[all laugh]
1039
00:42:31,340 --> 00:42:33,342
Shit. Keep the music going!
1040
00:42:33,425 --> 00:42:34,843
[laughing]
1041
00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:37,346
I would like to give you a BJ.
1042
00:42:37,429 --> 00:42:38,305
Oh, yeah.
1043
00:42:38,889 --> 00:42:41,559
Hey, you know, chill out. Chill out, yeah.
1044
00:42:41,642 --> 00:42:43,936
You know, Beyoncé is… She'll kill me.
1045
00:42:44,019 --> 00:42:45,312
[laughing] Yeah.
1046
00:42:45,396 --> 00:42:46,772
Things took a turn that night,
1047
00:42:46,855 --> 00:42:49,275
and Cindy tried to blow Rob
and his brother
1048
00:42:49,358 --> 00:42:50,609
at the DJ booth.
1049
00:42:50,693 --> 00:42:51,735
[laughing] What the fuck?
1050
00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:53,612
She got kicked out of the club.
1051
00:42:53,696 --> 00:42:56,907
[laughing] And went…
And went down the street
1052
00:42:56,991 --> 00:42:58,659
dancing like nothin' was wrong.
1053
00:42:58,742 --> 00:43:00,911
And that's where she met a homeless man.
1054
00:43:00,995 --> 00:43:04,331
Played by fuckin' Donald Trump.
1055
00:43:05,749 --> 00:43:09,295
And the homeless man gave her advice
that she was desperately in search of.
1056
00:43:09,378 --> 00:43:12,172
[imitating Trump] Listen,
I don't know what's happening.
1057
00:43:12,256 --> 00:43:13,841
[audience laughing, cheering]
1058
00:43:17,094 --> 00:43:19,430
But I'd like to say
to everybody out there,
1059
00:43:19,513 --> 00:43:22,224
they're eating your cats and your dogs.
1060
00:43:22,308 --> 00:43:24,643
[inhales deeply] They're eating them.
1061
00:43:26,270 --> 00:43:27,855
And I guess… I don't know what you are.
1062
00:43:27,938 --> 00:43:30,524
- You'll probably get eaten too.
- [audience laughs]
1063
00:43:30,608 --> 00:43:33,319
I would like to eat
a cat and a dog with you,
1064
00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:35,988
and I'll let you eat my cat. [snarls]
1065
00:43:36,071 --> 00:43:37,865
See, this is what happens
1066
00:43:37,948 --> 00:43:40,409
when the borders aren't controlled.
1067
00:43:40,492 --> 00:43:41,577
[sucks in air]
1068
00:43:41,660 --> 00:43:44,747
The homeless guy had some sound advice.
1069
00:43:44,830 --> 00:43:46,498
So Cindy went home that night
1070
00:43:46,582 --> 00:43:49,168
and thought long and hard
about who she wanted to end up with.
1071
00:43:49,251 --> 00:43:52,588
And that's when she got a knock
at her door.
1072
00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:55,883
It was her… her Uber Eats delivery driver.
1073
00:43:55,966 --> 00:43:57,718
Played by 50 Cent.
1074
00:43:58,427 --> 00:44:00,721
[imitating 50 Cent] Hey, um…
Hey, yo, you know…
1075
00:44:00,804 --> 00:44:02,598
Here's the… Here's the thing, like…
1076
00:44:03,140 --> 00:44:05,392
You know, you could…
You scaring the fuck out of me,
1077
00:44:05,476 --> 00:44:07,019
so you don't even have to pay for this.
1078
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:08,937
It's yours, nigga.
1079
00:44:09,021 --> 00:44:10,230
[laughing]
1080
00:44:11,315 --> 00:44:13,525
So, Cindy… [laughs]
1081
00:44:14,610 --> 00:44:18,280
Cindy squashed two turkey paninis
back to back,
1082
00:44:18,781 --> 00:44:21,617
and thought to herself,
"How could life get any worse?"
1083
00:44:22,159 --> 00:44:25,704
So she took a couple of ZzzQuil gummies
and had a dream.
1084
00:44:25,788 --> 00:44:28,499
And she was met in that dream
by a guardian angel
1085
00:44:28,582 --> 00:44:31,585
who showed her exactly
what her next move should be.
1086
00:44:31,669 --> 00:44:34,338
And that angel was played by Chris Rock.
1087
00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:37,800
Wait. Hold on, baby.
Chris couldn't show up,
1088
00:44:37,883 --> 00:44:40,552
so, uh, I decided to come instead.
1089
00:44:41,053 --> 00:44:42,721
I hope you don't mind, my nigga.
1090
00:44:43,305 --> 00:44:44,556
But I'd like to say this.
1091
00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:47,351
Um, you gonna die some day, baby. Ow!
1092
00:44:47,434 --> 00:44:48,560
[laughs]
1093
00:44:48,644 --> 00:44:51,605
The angel was played
by Dave Chappelle, I think.
1094
00:44:51,689 --> 00:44:53,107
[all laughing]
1095
00:44:53,190 --> 00:44:55,943
[mumbling] That's what I was doing
whatever the fuck I said…
1096
00:44:56,026 --> 00:44:57,695
Gollum walks out of his apartment
1097
00:44:57,778 --> 00:44:59,947
and is met by a man with a business plan.
1098
00:45:00,030 --> 00:45:03,283
A businessman played by Robert Downey Jr.
1099
00:45:03,367 --> 00:45:05,703
[imitating Robert] Look,
I've been watching you from afar.
1100
00:45:05,786 --> 00:45:06,829
Watching what you're doing.
1101
00:45:06,912 --> 00:45:08,580
What you're doing is very admirable.
1102
00:45:08,664 --> 00:45:10,332
I'd like to offer you a five-year plan.
1103
00:45:10,416 --> 00:45:11,542
I'd like you to work for me.
1104
00:45:11,625 --> 00:45:14,128
I'm an agent for OnlyFans.
I think you could be our first client.
1105
00:45:14,211 --> 00:45:17,172
You could do it live. You're already
showing some back, some toes and knees--
1106
00:45:17,256 --> 00:45:18,465
Hey, hold on, Pepper.
1107
00:45:18,549 --> 00:45:20,759
Because there's a couple of things
we can talk about, bro.
1108
00:45:20,843 --> 00:45:22,094
Like, you know…
1109
00:45:22,177 --> 00:45:25,139
I mean, maybe he can work
for the Marvel Cinematic Universe,
1110
00:45:25,222 --> 00:45:27,141
but, you know,
be a billionaire philanthropist,
1111
00:45:27,224 --> 00:45:29,226
but I mean, right now, he's just Sméagol.
1112
00:45:29,309 --> 00:45:31,437
So, yeah, we gotta
just take it at face value.
1113
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:32,438
That's all. Yeah.
1114
00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,148
Cindy thought she wasn't gonna have a job,
1115
00:45:34,231 --> 00:45:37,943
but turns out she was hired
by both Black and white Robert Downey, Jr.
1116
00:45:38,026 --> 00:45:38,944
[Jay laughing]
1117
00:45:39,027 --> 00:45:41,113
This film has not been-- yet been rated.
1118
00:45:41,196 --> 00:45:42,781
Keep it goin' for Gollum, everybody!
1119
00:45:42,865 --> 00:45:44,533
- Holy shit. He finally did it.
- [cheering]
1120
00:45:44,616 --> 00:45:46,201
Congratulations, Gollum.
1121
00:45:46,285 --> 00:45:48,746
You just were in your first feature film.
1122
00:45:49,538 --> 00:45:50,539
Jay, thanks for support--
1123
00:45:50,622 --> 00:45:51,582
What are you doing?
1124
00:45:51,665 --> 00:45:53,792
- Oh my God. Oh my God.
- [Jay] What the f--
1125
00:45:53,876 --> 00:45:56,545
[Adam] Oh my God.
No. No. What is that?
1126
00:45:56,628 --> 00:46:00,215
- What the fuck? What are you doing?
- Yo. That's a real fucking fish.
1127
00:46:00,299 --> 00:46:02,968
[Adam] That's a real fish.
What are you doing? What's this?
1128
00:46:03,051 --> 00:46:04,511
- [Jay] He's being--
- Okay.
1129
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:06,346
Hey, what did I tell you
about bringing a fish
1130
00:46:06,430 --> 00:46:08,140
on the live stage of The Comedy Store?
1131
00:46:08,223 --> 00:46:09,183
What did I tell you?
1132
00:46:09,266 --> 00:46:12,478
I said, one thing you can't do
was eat a fish in front of Jay Pharoah.
1133
00:46:12,561 --> 00:46:13,687
That's what I told you.
1134
00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:15,439
- [punching sound effect]
- Wait.
1135
00:46:16,774 --> 00:46:19,067
Shut the fuck up, Jay,
if you know what's good for you.
1136
00:46:19,151 --> 00:46:21,361
- Okay. [laughs]
- Chuck E. Cheese.
1137
00:46:22,780 --> 00:46:25,032
[punching sound effect]
1138
00:46:25,115 --> 00:46:26,366
[fart sound effect]
1139
00:46:27,159 --> 00:46:28,160
[punching sound effect]
1140
00:46:28,243 --> 00:46:31,872
[singing like Gollum] ♪ Rock and pool
Is nice and cool ♪
1141
00:46:33,707 --> 00:46:35,793
♪ So juicy sweet! ♪
1142
00:46:36,752 --> 00:46:37,711
[fart sound effect]
1143
00:46:37,795 --> 00:46:39,797
[audience laughs]
1144
00:46:40,923 --> 00:46:41,757
And stay down.
1145
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:43,801
You can't… Shut the fuck up, Jay.
1146
00:46:43,884 --> 00:46:44,968
[audience laughs]
1147
00:46:45,052 --> 00:46:46,804
I'm sorry you guys had to see that.
1148
00:46:46,887 --> 00:46:48,222
[somber music playing]
1149
00:46:48,305 --> 00:46:51,225
[sighs] But I'm not sorry
you guys had to feel that.
1150
00:46:51,308 --> 00:46:52,267
[man] Whoo!
1151
00:46:53,101 --> 00:46:54,645
Did you guys have a good time tonight?
1152
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:56,438
[audience cheering]
1153
00:46:56,522 --> 00:46:57,815
I need to hear you one more time.
1154
00:46:57,898 --> 00:47:00,692
Did you guys have a good time
here at The World Famous Comedy Store?
1155
00:47:00,776 --> 00:47:03,195
One more time for Jay Pharoah,
Patton Oswalt,
1156
00:47:03,278 --> 00:47:05,948
Fahim Anwar, Jeremiah Watkins, Dr. Phil.
1157
00:47:06,031 --> 00:47:08,659
Robin, don't go to bed. I got
a Mac and Cheese portable in the car.
1158
00:47:08,742 --> 00:47:10,327
Good night, everybody!
1159
00:47:10,410 --> 00:47:12,621
[cinematic music playing]
1160
00:47:18,502 --> 00:47:20,671
{\an8}[inaudible]
1161
00:47:30,013 --> 00:47:31,557
{\an8}[inaudible]
1162
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:33,642
{\an8}[music continues]
1163
00:47:43,068 --> 00:47:45,070
{\an8}[audience cheering]
1164
00:47:55,414 --> 00:47:58,834
{\an8}[music swells, ends]
1165
00:47:58,917 --> 00:48:00,919
{\an8}[indistinct chatter]
1166
00:48:01,003 --> 00:48:02,045
{\an8}[man] Hey, come on.
1167
00:48:03,630 --> 00:48:05,007
{\an8}[Joe] I gotta see this.
1168
00:48:05,966 --> 00:48:08,594
{\an8}[audience chanting] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!
1169
00:48:08,677 --> 00:48:10,804
{\an8}[indistinct chatter]
1170
00:48:10,888 --> 00:48:12,306
{\an8}[audience cheering]
1171
00:48:13,181 --> 00:48:15,392
{\an8}Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
1172
00:48:15,475 --> 00:48:17,603
{\an8}Unbelievable, man. Unbelievable.
1173
00:48:17,686 --> 00:48:19,229
{\an8}Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
1174
00:48:19,313 --> 00:48:20,647
{\an8}- Dude, you had fun?
- Oh yeah.
1175
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,107
{\an8}[indistinct chatter]
1176
00:48:22,190 --> 00:48:25,861
{\an8}[overlapping conversation]
1177
00:48:25,944 --> 00:48:27,112
{\an8}[Jay] This is wild.
1178
00:48:27,195 --> 00:48:29,323
{\an8}[laughs] You told me
you had the night off.
1179
00:48:29,406 --> 00:48:30,991
{\an8}[laughing]
1180
00:48:31,074 --> 00:48:33,911
{\an8}- We're gonna have some fun with it.
- That would be an honor, dude.
1181
00:48:33,994 --> 00:48:36,580
{\an8}Guys, keep it goin' for Jen
who does my make-up all the time.
1182
00:48:36,663 --> 00:48:39,041
{\an8}- She's a legend.
- [chuckling]
1183
00:48:39,124 --> 00:48:40,459
{\an8}- Aww.
- Thank you.
1184
00:48:41,043 --> 00:48:42,920
{\an8}Yeah! My mom, everybody.
1185
00:48:43,003 --> 00:48:45,005
{\an8}[all cheering]
1186
00:48:45,088 --> 00:48:47,174
{\an8}- Oh!
- Sarah, Janie… Hi, Mom.
1187
00:48:47,799 --> 00:48:49,801
{\an8}To my mom, for pushing me out.
1188
00:48:49,885 --> 00:48:52,137
{\an8}[all cheering]
1189
00:48:52,220 --> 00:48:55,265
{\an8}Uh, to Jeremiah
for fucking delivering every time.
1190
00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:57,142
{\an8}[all cheering]
1191
00:48:57,225 --> 00:48:58,310
{\an8}[woman] Yeah!
1192
00:48:58,393 --> 00:49:01,188
{\an8}Uh, to my beautiful wife
for always supporting every--
1193
00:49:01,271 --> 00:49:03,607
{\an8}[all cheering loudly]
1194
00:49:03,690 --> 00:49:06,276
{\an8}Uh, to my best bud Norman
for fucking making life easier.
1195
00:49:06,360 --> 00:49:08,362
{\an8}[all cheering]
1196
00:49:08,904 --> 00:49:10,322
{\an8}Uh, you guys…
1197
00:49:10,405 --> 00:49:11,990
{\an8}I mean, I just… Uh, so fun.
1198
00:49:12,074 --> 00:49:13,784
{\an8}None of this is, uh, worth doing
1199
00:49:13,867 --> 00:49:17,287
{\an8}if we… if we don't have cool people
to celebrate, and hang, and share it with.
1200
00:49:18,246 --> 00:49:19,456
{\an8}Thank fucking God.
1201
00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:21,792
{\an8}No lawsuit. [laughs]
1202
00:49:21,875 --> 00:49:22,751
[music ends]