1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:07,215
- ♪ ("HUMAN OF THE YEAR"
BY REGINA SPEKTOR PLAYING) ♪
- ♪ Outside the cars ♪
3
00:00:07,298 --> 00:00:13,471
♪ Are beeping out a song
Just in your honor ♪
4
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
5
00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:17,392
♪ And though
They do not know it ♪
6
00:00:17,475 --> 00:00:22,188
♪ All mankind
Are now your brothers ♪
7
00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:26,151
♪ And thus the cathedral
Had spoken ♪
8
00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:29,696
♪ Wishing well
To all us sinners ♪
9
00:00:29,779 --> 00:00:30,989
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
10
00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:34,617
♪ And though
They do not know it ♪
11
00:00:34,659 --> 00:00:36,411
♪ All mankind
Are now your brothers ♪
12
00:00:36,494 --> 00:00:39,456
- Hello!
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
13
00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:43,335
- Hello. All right.
- ♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
14
00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:45,670
Oh. Thank you so much
for coming.
15
00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:47,213
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
- Thank you for being here.
16
00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:49,466
Thank you for watching.
My name is Alex Edelman.
17
00:00:49,507 --> 00:00:52,844
I'm a comedian,
and I'm gonna tell you a story.
18
00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:54,220
I'm gonna tell you a story
19
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:55,638
about something
that happened to me.
20
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,182
But first I wanna tell you
21
00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,559
about something
that happened to this gorilla.
22
00:00:59,642 --> 00:01:01,394
- (CLICKS TONGUE) Ooh. Okay.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
23
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:03,146
So there's this gorilla
named Koko.
24
00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:05,315
Has everyone heard
of Koko the gorilla?
25
00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:07,192
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
- Yes. Some for yeses.
26
00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:08,193
Koko the gorilla,
27
00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:09,361
for those of you
that don't know,
28
00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:12,364
is a gorilla that spoke
fluent sign language.
29
00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:17,494
And in 1999, this is true,
Koko met Robin Williams.
30
00:01:17,535 --> 00:01:20,163
And a couple of years ago,
they told Koko
31
00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:22,165
that Robin Williams
had passed away.
32
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:27,379
And Koko went,
"Koko friend, Koko sad."
33
00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:29,214
- AUDIENCE: Aw!
- Yes, which is sad,
34
00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:33,343
but on the plus side,
how funny was Robin Williams,
35
00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:35,720
that even gorillas are like,
"This guy!"
36
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:39,724
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-"He's unbelievable." (CHUCKLES)
37
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,309
My comedy barely works
38
00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:43,561
if you're not
from the Upper West Side.
39
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:44,646
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
40
00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:47,816
Robin Williams crossed
the species barrier.
41
00:01:49,734 --> 00:01:52,070
- Brilliant comedian.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
42
00:01:52,153 --> 00:01:56,741
Also, and obviously,
did they have to tell...
43
00:01:56,825 --> 00:02:00,578
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
44
00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:02,956
...the gorilla
that Robin Williams
45
00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:04,666
had passed away?
46
00:02:04,749 --> 00:02:07,669
She wasn't gonna catch it on CNN
or anything like that.
47
00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:09,087
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
48
00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:11,923
I heard about this
in, like, September of 2017
49
00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,508
and I couldn't stop imagining
50
00:02:13,591 --> 00:02:15,593
somebody walking
into a gorilla enclosure,
51
00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:17,595
just like, "No. I'll do it.
I'll do it. Let me."
52
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:20,557
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
53
00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:23,560
-"Hi, Koko?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
54
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:27,355
-"Can you put down the banana?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
55
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:31,443
"We have some bad news."
56
00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:33,153
And they tell Koko
and Koko's like...
57
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:35,864
- (IN SILLY VOICE) "Oh, no."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
58
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:43,788
-"But Prince is fine, right?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
59
00:02:46,916 --> 00:02:51,171
Like, "Get the gun. Koko. Koko,
calm down." And Koko's like,
60
00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:53,631
"Why was the last
David Bowie album so sad?"
61
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:57,469
- And they're like, "Koko!"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
62
00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,596
And Koko's like,
"What else do you know--"
63
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,852
And they're like, "Koko, no."
And Koko's like...
64
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,522
And they're like, "Koko, no."
And Koko's like,
65
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,650
"Who is the president
right now?"
66
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:17,364
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
67
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,366
Those are the kind of jokes
I write.
68
00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:21,785
I write jokes
that are so dumb and simple
69
00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:22,702
that part of it is like,
70
00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:24,287
"Oh, I can't believe
someone took the time
71
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:25,497
- to think about that."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
72
00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:26,664
"I can't believe
that someone thought
73
00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:28,625
that was worth informing
an audience of."
74
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:31,002
I can't believe--
This is true sadly,
75
00:03:31,086 --> 00:03:32,837
that in the middle
of a pandemic,
76
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:34,673
someone spent 500 dollars
77
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:37,133
on sign language lessons
over Zoom...
78
00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:40,553
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
79
00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:43,348
...for a joke about a gorilla.
(CHUCKLES)
80
00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:45,850
I love a dumb joke.
I love a silly joke.
81
00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:48,186
It's my job. It's my currency.
82
00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:51,481
I wrote a joke a while ago
that was so dumb,
83
00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:52,857
it took a month
and a half to realize
84
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:56,903
it was actually too dumb
to ever grace a stage.
85
00:03:56,986 --> 00:04:00,699
- Here it is.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
86
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:03,201
I don't think I've ever seen
a fat horse.
87
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,661
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
88
00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,413
I don't think I've ever seen
a fat horse.
89
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:07,539
Maybe that's because
90
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,833
they get four times
as many steps as we do.
91
00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:12,961
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- I... I know, I know.
92
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,212
And a month and a half later,
93
00:04:14,295 --> 00:04:15,922
I was walking through
a Whole Foods
94
00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:18,216
and out of nowhere I was like...
95
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:24,556
-"Twice as many steps."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
96
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:26,808
They don't have
eight goddamn legs.
97
00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:29,310
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- It's twice as many steps.
98
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:30,895
And that's what
this show was gonna be
99
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:31,855
when I started writing it.
100
00:04:31,896 --> 00:04:34,232
It was gonna be
a show full of benign silliness,
101
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,984
like I've done
my whole comedy life,
102
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,486
and then something happened.
103
00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:42,157
So, I write radio comedy shows
for the BBC.
104
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,575
Nobody listens to these things.
105
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:44,951
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- No one.
106
00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:47,996
People my age don't even know
what a radio comedy show is.
107
00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,331
Like, I'll tell people,
"I write radio comedy shows."
108
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:51,916
And they're like,
"What's a radio comedy show?"
109
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,210
And I have to explain
that it's like a podcast,
110
00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:55,253
but for the dying.
111
00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:57,547
And like,
this radio show comes out
112
00:04:57,589 --> 00:05:00,592
and there's this massive wave
of indifference, right?
113
00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:02,594
No one cares.
It's a radio comedy show.
114
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:05,138
But there are two tweets.
Just two.
115
00:05:05,221 --> 00:05:06,806
And one tweet's
actually very nice.
116
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:07,766
It's very complimentary,
117
00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,601
because the tweet
is from my Aunt Nancy
118
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,227
- in Teaneck, New Jersey.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
119
00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:12,812
- And it said--
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
120
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:16,941
Her fans are everywhere,
of course. (CHUCKLES)
121
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,068
And the second tweet
122
00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:19,611
is from someone
I'm not related to.
123
00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,363
And this guy's just listened
to the show.
124
00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,739
And this guy's very upset.
125
00:05:22,781 --> 00:05:26,785
And this guy's very upset,
largely by the fact that I...
126
00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:29,204
- (CHUCKLES) ...am a Jew.
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
127
00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:31,039
And sometimes people can tell
that I'm Jewish
128
00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:32,248
because of my name, or my face,
129
00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:33,708
or anything
about my personality.
130
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:36,002
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (ALEX EDELMAN CHUCKLES)
131
00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:38,421
But this guy's very upset
by the fact that I'm Jewish,
132
00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:40,882
and he lets me know,
and I make a mistake.
133
00:05:41,966 --> 00:05:45,220
- I respond to the tweet. I know.
- (AUDIENCE GROANING)
134
00:05:45,261 --> 00:05:47,555
And then he writes back
and then I write back,
135
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:48,640
and then he writes back,
136
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:49,933
and then other people
get involved.
137
00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:52,310
And then I go to bed,
and I wake up the next morning,
138
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,311
and my Twitter feed,
139
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:56,481
it's just this avalanche
of antisemitism.
140
00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:57,982
Nothing but anti--
And it bothered me.
141
00:05:58,066 --> 00:06:00,235
It's never fun to see
that stuff directed at you.
142
00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:01,653
And then it stopped bothering me
143
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:05,490
because I started adding
these people to a Twitter list.
144
00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:06,783
Do you guys know
what I mean, generally
145
00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:08,827
- when I say Twitter lists?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
146
00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:10,161
ALEX: A couple of yeses,
147
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,038
- a couple of blank stares.
All right, fine.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
148
00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:13,123
By the way, you don't...
149
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:14,833
you don't need to know
what this is. I promise you,
150
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:16,835
it's an obscure function
of a dying platform.
151
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,670
- Like, you don't truly need
to know.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
152
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,213
But on Twitter--
(CHUCKLES) Yeah...
153
00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:22,340
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
154
00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:23,717
But on Twitter, the way it works
155
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,260
is you follow folks.
You know that,
156
00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:26,553
you follow people,
everybody knows.
157
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:29,681
But imagine you're interested
in, like, a common area.
158
00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:32,559
Imagine you're interested
in, like, opera or the NBA,
159
00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:33,643
but you don't feel
like following
160
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:35,103
a whole bunch of NBA players.
161
00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:36,271
What you can do is,
162
00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:38,106
you can make
a list of NBA players
163
00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:39,357
and then follow that list
164
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,067
and check it occasionally, right?
165
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:44,070
(CHUCKLES) So I did that,
but with anti-Semites.
166
00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:45,321
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
167
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:47,741
And because of certain issues
within the NBA at the moment,
168
00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,325
there would indeed
be some crossover
169
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:50,410
between the two lists.
170
00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:53,329
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
171
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:55,206
But I made this list
of anti-Semites
172
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,541
and I like it immediately.
173
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:57,834
I like it for two reasons.
174
00:06:57,876 --> 00:07:01,296
Reason number one,
let them be on a list for once!
175
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,549
- Okay? (CHUCKLES) Okay?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
176
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:08,178
Even Schindler, not a Jew,
we make the list now.
177
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,514
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
178
00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:13,433
And reason number two,
179
00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:15,352
these guys got a notification
180
00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:16,770
when they were added
to the list.
181
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,397
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And the name of this list,
182
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,524
and they saw this
when they were added,
183
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:24,736
was Jewish National Fund
contributors.
184
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:31,785
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
185
00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,747
And I got so many tweets
from anti-Semites going,
186
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,123
"Take me off your goddamn list."
187
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:39,084
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-"I have never contributed
188
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:40,710
to the Jewish National Fund."
189
00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:43,380
And I would always write back,
"There's still time."
190
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:44,673
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
191
00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:47,133
"We're planting a million trees
outside of Haifa,
192
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,177
be part of the Zionist dream."
193
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:55,475
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
194
00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:57,602
(CHUCKLES)
195
00:07:57,686 --> 00:07:59,187
And I love my list.
196
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:02,691
I love my list
for these two silly reasons,
197
00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:04,776
but then I get to love it
for a third reason,
198
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:08,988
which is that it's got
all of the worst opinions on it.
199
00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:12,033
And that's one of the reasons
you go on social media.
200
00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:16,663
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
- Right? You wanna be offended.
201
00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:18,164
Right? Same reason you watch
cable news.
202
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,917
You're not a moron, you know
you're not getting real news.
203
00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:24,921
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
204
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,798
But you get to be upset.
205
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,675
Right? You get to be upset
at something
206
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:30,802
someone on the other team
did or didn't do,
207
00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:32,303
or something they did
or didn't say.
208
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,847
And I have a list.
209
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,516
I have a digital terrarium
of assholes.
210
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:39,102
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
211
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:39,936
And occasionally,
212
00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:41,771
with great sanctimony,
obviously,
213
00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:44,691
I go down the list and be like,
"Oh, my God, that's so racist.
214
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,484
Oh, my God, that's so sexist.
215
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:47,986
Oh, my God,
that's so homophobic.
216
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,279
I don't have
any of these opinions.
217
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:50,697
I'm such a good boy."
218
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:54,159
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
219
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:59,330
Anyway, it's a Tuesday night
and I'm doing my favorite thing.
220
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,498
When I'm alone,
221
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,834
my favorite thing to do
is I lie on my couch
222
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,502
and I hold my phone
like an otter,
223
00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:06,671
- like an inch from my face.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
224
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,173
Do you know what I mean?
Just a brisk nine,
225
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:10,091
ten hours in a row,
just going like this?
226
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:12,052
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
227
00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:14,721
And I see this tweet
from someone on the list.
228
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:16,723
And the tweet says, "Hey!"
229
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:20,268
-"Hey."
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
230
00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:22,979
"If you live in NYC
231
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:28,151
and you have questions
about your Whiteness,
232
00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:32,781
come to 441, 27th Avenue,"
which is in Queens,
233
00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:36,534
"Tomorrow night at 9:15."
234
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:39,079
- And I saw the tweet.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
235
00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:42,040
And I thought to myself,
I live in NYC.
236
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:43,667
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
237
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,585
And as an Ashkenazi Jew,
238
00:09:45,669 --> 00:09:47,545
I have some questions
about my Whiteness.
239
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:50,548
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
240
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,926
And I'm free tomorrow night
at 9:15.
241
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,555
And I took a screen grab.
I took a picture of the tweet.
242
00:09:57,639 --> 00:09:59,391
And I sent it to my best friend
in the world,
243
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:00,850
this guy named David Burstein.
244
00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:02,560
And I wrote,
"David... (CHUCKLES)
245
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,354
...do you wanna come with me
to this meeting of Nazis
246
00:10:04,396 --> 00:10:08,191
- in Queens?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
247
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:10,568
ALEX: And I saw the three dots
on the iPhone,
248
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:11,945
that means
someone's texting you back.
249
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,322
And then the dots disappeared,
then they reappeared,
250
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,366
- then they disappeared again.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
251
00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:17,784
And then he called me.
252
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,203
And he said, "What's going on?"
253
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:22,539
And I said,
"I'm gonna go to this Nazi bar."
254
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:23,748
And he said, "Why?"
And I said,
255
00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:25,542
"I'm gonna listen
to everything they have to say.
256
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:27,752
I will learn something.
It'll be fascinating,
257
00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:29,921
- illuminating."
- And he's like,
"You're so brave."
258
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,339
And I was like,
"I know, I am so brave."
259
00:10:31,423 --> 00:10:35,176
And the next night around 9:15,
I take the subway into Queens,
260
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:38,763
and I get off and I walk
to the address of this Nazi bar,
261
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:42,225
and it's not a bar.
262
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:44,811
- It's an apartment building.
- (AUDIENCE GROANING)
263
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:48,815
And I thought to myself...
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
264
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:53,361
-"How brave are we?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
265
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:57,782
It was January. It was so--
266
00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:01,202
I stood outside this building,
freezing, dithering,
267
00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:04,122
for like 20 minutes,
being like, "Maybe I'm an idiot.
268
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,833
Maybe my mouth is writing checks
that my butt can't cash."
269
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,001
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
270
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:09,586
And there was one moment
where I was like,
271
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:11,004
"Well, obviously
I'm in the wrong place."
272
00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:13,965
But I knew I wasn't.
I knew I was in the right place
273
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,467
'cause there was a sign
on the front door
274
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,094
of this building and the sign
just said third floor,
275
00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:19,971
but it said it
in Comic Sans font,
276
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,681
the most radical
of all the fonts.
277
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,559
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
278
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:25,643
And after a while,
279
00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:27,479
I sort of rediscover
the intestines
280
00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:28,813
that I left on the 7 train.
281
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:31,441
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
- (CHUCKLES) And I go upstairs...
282
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,486
to the third floor
of this building.
283
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:38,948
And there's this long corridor,
long,
284
00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:41,951
doors on either side of me,
overhead lighting, bad.
285
00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:44,204
And there's one open door
in this hallway.
286
00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:45,330
And when I walk in,
287
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:48,541
the first thing I see
in the foyer of this apartment
288
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:49,876
is this older lady.
289
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,878
She's in her seventies,
at least, or like eighties,
290
00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:53,129
but she moisturizes.
291
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:55,715
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And like... (CHUCKLES)
292
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:57,676
And she's got this table
in front of her.
293
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:02,263
And on this table
is the biggest jigsaw puzzle
294
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:04,015
I have ever seen.
295
00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:06,518
A jigsaw puzzle.
Here's how big it is.
296
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,187
When I walked in
and I saw the puzzle,
297
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:12,023
involuntarily,
I just went, "Oh, wow."
298
00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,150
And without looking up,
she went,
299
00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:15,527
"12,000 pieces."
300
00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:16,986
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
301
00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:19,364
ALEX: She knew exactly
what I was talking about
302
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:20,532
from, "Oh, wow."
303
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,242
And I said,
"That's so much puzzle."
304
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,327
And she went,
"This isn't even all of it."
305
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:25,203
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
306
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,247
"This is, like,
a quarter of the puzzle.
307
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:29,666
I've been working on this part
for, like, six months."
308
00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:30,917
And I thought to myself,
309
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,211
"You should be further
into that puzzle, probably."
310
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,212
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
311
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:35,964
Although,
maybe White supremacists'
312
00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:38,717
- jigsaw puzzles are harder.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
313
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,552
You know, 'cause, like,
all the faces look the same.
314
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:45,890
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
315
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:48,059
She's sitting. I'm standing.
316
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,937
We're making small talk
about her tonnage of puzz.
317
00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:52,313
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And like--
318
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:54,774
And she tells me how much
like, the puzzles mean to her.
319
00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:57,569
And for what it's worth,
I like jigsaw puzzles.
320
00:12:57,652 --> 00:12:59,070
And I like people that do them,
like,
321
00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:02,198
it's a very, like,
thoughtful, fulsome exercise,
322
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,575
there aren't
a ton of those left.
323
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,368
And it's even, like,
a tidy metaphor
324
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:07,620
for why I'm here, right? Like--
325
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:10,206
Because, as with the world,
with a puzzle,
326
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:12,667
you need every piece
for a complete picture.
327
00:13:12,751 --> 00:13:14,753
You need every piece
for a full perspective.
328
00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:16,755
If you're missing
even one piece of your puzzle,
329
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,590
it is suspect or worthless.
330
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:22,177
But even a metaphorical puzzle,
I can do quicker than this lady.
331
00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:24,429
Like, she's making
zero progress,
332
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:25,889
and at some point she just went,
333
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,474
"You know the last one
of these...
334
00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:31,519
- took, like, three years."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
335
00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:33,521
And I said, "Last one?"
336
00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:37,275
And she points behind herself,
down this hallway.
337
00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:38,943
And I follow her finger.
338
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:44,866
And as I go down in,
I pass two enormous, framed,
339
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:48,953
- framed jigsaw puzzles. Framed.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
340
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:51,498
And then to my right,
there's like a threshold.
341
00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:52,957
Like a doorway with no door.
342
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,626
And when I walk through
this threshold,
343
00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:55,960
I'm in this living room.
344
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:58,088
And it's like a... It's a pretty
spacious living room.
345
00:13:58,129 --> 00:14:00,715
And there's, like,
a hodgepodge of chairs around,
346
00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:02,300
and folks
are walking around talking.
347
00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:04,135
And of all--
Oh, and to my-- Sorry.
348
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:06,221
To my left,
there's, like, a big table
349
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:08,682
of, like, pastries
and orange juice.
350
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,308
And even though
I was a little scared,
351
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,644
I was like,
"Oh, sick! Pastries!"
352
00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:17,524
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
353
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,860
So, I'm eating
this Whites' only muffin.
354
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:26,241
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
355
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,243
And on the other side
of the room...
356
00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:33,248
- I see this cute girl.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
357
00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,500
And this is
how dumb of a moron I am.
358
00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:42,132
I saw the girl and I thought
to myself with no irony...
359
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:49,806
- you never know.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
360
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,017
You never know, right?
You gotta shoot your shot.
361
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,935
So, I put down my racist pastry
362
00:14:54,019 --> 00:14:55,645
- and I went over.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
363
00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,731
And I said, "Hi, I'm Alex."
364
00:14:57,814 --> 00:15:00,191
And she went,
"Oh, hi, I'm Chelsea."
365
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,694
And we start chatting
and it's good chat.
366
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:05,697
But a few moments in,
Chelsea just went,
367
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:12,412
"Ah! Hey, Alex!
The White House! Hmm?"
368
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:16,374
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
369
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:22,339
And I thought to myself,
"This could go... anywhere."
370
00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:23,923
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
371
00:15:24,007 --> 00:15:25,717
I actually have
a thing for this.
372
00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:26,885
I have a thing for this.
373
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,928
If anyone ever asks you
a question
374
00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:31,848
and you know they want
a specific answer from you,
375
00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:33,725
but you're not sure
what that answer is,
376
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:34,934
there are four words
377
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:37,062
that will save you
every single time.
378
00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:38,688
Every--
Sir, sorry to bother you.
379
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,940
Would you mind asking me
if I saw the game last night?
380
00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:42,067
Did you see the game
last night?
381
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,485
Oh, can you believe it?
382
00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:46,196
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
383
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,865
- (CHUCKLES) Well done.
That was very nice.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
384
00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:52,369
ALEX: Okay. Very nice.
"Can you believe it?"
385
00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:55,497
- Guys, this works. It's amazing.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
386
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:56,915
"Can you believe it?"
387
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,334
It means people's
three favorite things
in a conversation.
388
00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:01,252
It means I know
what you're talking about,
389
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:05,006
I agree with you,
and most importantly, you talk.
390
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,925
- It works every single time.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
391
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,927
By the way,
I'm from New England.
392
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,595
There is
a New England version of this.
393
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,555
If you're ever caught
in a stalled conversation
394
00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:15,433
with a New Englander,
just go, "Fucking Brady, right?"
395
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,686
- It works every single time.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
396
00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:19,437
But this is better?
397
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,774
It is evergreen.
"Can you believe it?"
398
00:16:22,857 --> 00:16:24,317
I have a neighbor in L.A.
399
00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,361
I never know
what he's talking about.
400
00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,947
I use this
in every conversation with him.
401
00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:31,449
He'll be like, "Oh, recycling!"
402
00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:33,368
And I'll be like,
"Can you believe it?"
403
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:35,954
And he's like, "They should
take it out on Thursdays."
404
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,956
And I'll be like, "Okay."
Or he'll be like,
405
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,374
"Minor League Baseball."
406
00:16:39,457 --> 00:16:40,667
And I'm like,
"Can you believe it?"
407
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:42,961
And he's like, "They should pay
the players more."
408
00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:44,546
And I'm like, "Absolutely."
409
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:47,465
And my favorite one ever,
this is like six months ago.
410
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:51,636
He just went, "Hey, Alex,
the Kennedy assassination."
411
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:55,432
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
412
00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:57,058
And I was like,
"Can you believe it?"
413
00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:58,643
And he said, "Bobby did it."
414
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,312
- And I was like, "Oh."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
415
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:04,315
"Well, he got his, didn't he?"
I mean...
416
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:07,610
"Can you believe it?"
417
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:12,323
It is a mirror of a question
of an answer, and it works here.
418
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:15,118
Because she just went,
"The White House! Hmm?"
419
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,245
And I said,
"Can you believe it?"
420
00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:19,956
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And she went off on this rant
421
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:21,583
about Jared Kushner.
422
00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:24,461
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Trump's Jewish son-in-law,
423
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:27,839
and she goes off
on how "Kushner and his friends"
424
00:17:27,881 --> 00:17:30,008
are ruining
the Trump administration
425
00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,217
and the country.
426
00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:33,386
And I so had to stop myself
from doing
427
00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:35,555
what I desperately wanted to do,
428
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:37,849
which was go,
"Oh, I hate Jared Kushner.
429
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:40,393
He sits behind me in synagogue
on the Upper East Side.
430
00:17:40,477 --> 00:17:44,981
- He's so goddamn loud."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
431
00:17:45,023 --> 00:17:46,649
That's true, by the way.
432
00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:48,610
It's 1,000 percent true.
433
00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:51,029
Kehilath Jeshurun
on 85th and Lexington,
434
00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:52,864
it's where he goes.
He's fucking loud.
435
00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:55,200
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And he's arrogant.
436
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:56,284
That's the word. He's so--
437
00:17:56,368 --> 00:17:58,161
Like when they call him up
to the Torah,
438
00:17:58,203 --> 00:17:59,537
he walks up like he wrote it.
439
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,289
He's got a problem,
I'm telling you.
440
00:18:01,373 --> 00:18:06,795
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
441
00:18:06,878 --> 00:18:08,505
And-- (CHUCKLES) Anyway,
442
00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:11,383
she's off on her rant
about the Kush.
443
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,385
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
- I'm standing there.
444
00:18:13,468 --> 00:18:15,804
I'm nodding, I'm trying to focus
more on the face,
445
00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:18,223
- less on the opinions, you know.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
446
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,266
And we talk for like 15 minutes.
447
00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:22,102
And she does
most of the talking,
448
00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:24,020
which is a red flag,
but not a deal breaker,
449
00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:28,400
- you know.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
450
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,610
And after about 15 minutes,
451
00:18:30,694 --> 00:18:34,197
I feel someone kind of, like,
lurking in my periph.
452
00:18:34,239 --> 00:18:36,783
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Like I'm being haunted.
453
00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:42,122
And when I turn around,
there's this guy standing there.
454
00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:45,583
And this guy's sizing me up
with a look on his face
455
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:49,671
that I would honestly
most accurately describe as...
456
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:56,720
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
457
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:58,096
"This is a Jew!"
458
00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:04,269
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
459
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,813
Like, "I'm pretty sure
this is a Jew!"
460
00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:13,361
And he said to me,
"Hey, can I help you?"
461
00:19:13,445 --> 00:19:14,446
As if I was gonna be like...
462
00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:15,739
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Yes!
463
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:18,450
Well, I was on my way
to synagogue for Yom Kippur!
464
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:21,369
But I got lost
and I stumbled in here.
465
00:19:21,453 --> 00:19:24,831
Do you know if these muffins
is kosher?"
466
00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:28,793
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
467
00:19:28,877 --> 00:19:31,838
But I tried to be neutral
and I said, "Hey, man."
468
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:33,590
And he said, "Can I help you?"
469
00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,550
And I said,
"I'm here for the thing."
470
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,510
And he said,
"You're here for the meeting?"
471
00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:40,305
And I thought about saying,
"Can you believe it?"
472
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:46,311
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
473
00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,146
But I had just used it,
so I said,
474
00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:49,689
"Yeah, man,
I'm here for the meeting."
475
00:19:49,773 --> 00:19:53,026
And he said,
"Chelsea, he's with you?"
476
00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:55,320
And Chelsea just went,
477
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:56,654
"Oh... (CHUCKLES)
478
00:19:56,738 --> 00:20:00,033
...we just met,
but he seems cool."
479
00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:02,494
And I thought to myself, "Nice."
480
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:07,540
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- You never know, right?
481
00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:09,751
And then this guy,
like, fumfers for--
482
00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:12,045
Like this guy's
not quite sure what to say.
483
00:20:12,128 --> 00:20:14,089
But when he recovered,
he just said,
484
00:20:14,172 --> 00:20:16,508
"Okay. All right. But who is he?
485
00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:19,678
Excuse me, who are you?
486
00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:24,307
Like, what's your name?"
487
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:32,899
Here's the thing.
488
00:20:32,982 --> 00:20:37,153
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Here's the thing. Growing up...
489
00:20:37,195 --> 00:20:40,198
(SCOFFS)
...I always wanted to be White.
490
00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:41,950
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
- Yeah, yes.
491
00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:43,993
I'm aware there are a few of you
looking at me like,
492
00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:47,539
-"Mission accomplished, buddy."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
493
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,207
"Does he not...?" I am White.
494
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:51,167
I'm definitely White.
But I grew up in a place
495
00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:52,544
where there were different kinds
of White people.
496
00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:55,422
I grew up in a place where
there was a strict hierarchy
497
00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:57,340
for Whiteness.
I grew up in Boston.
498
00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:59,968
I grew up in this really
racist part of Boston
499
00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:01,344
called Boston.
500
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:04,889
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
- And in Boston... (CHUCKLES)
501
00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:05,807
And in Boston,
502
00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,225
there are different kinds
of White people,
503
00:21:07,308 --> 00:21:09,019
there are different kinds
of Whiteness, right?
504
00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:10,937
Like, there are Ashkenazi Jews,
like me,
505
00:21:11,021 --> 00:21:13,148
and we're in places
like Brookline and Newton
506
00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:14,733
and an outer suburb way
to the south
507
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:16,443
called Sharon,
there are the Russians.
508
00:21:16,526 --> 00:21:18,486
In Eastie, in East Boston,
there are the Greeks.
509
00:21:18,570 --> 00:21:20,739
In Dorchester, there are
the Italians in the North End.
510
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,782
And of course,
Irish Catholics, right?
511
00:21:22,866 --> 00:21:25,118
ICs practically synonymous
with Boston,
512
00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:26,411
and they're scattered all over,
513
00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,246
but a lot of them
very famously concentrate in,
514
00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:29,914
anybody know?
515
00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:31,207
AUDIENCE: Southie.
516
00:21:31,249 --> 00:21:33,209
ALEX:
Southie, South Boston. Yes.
517
00:21:33,251 --> 00:21:35,003
And they've had
an amazing century.
518
00:21:35,086 --> 00:21:36,421
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
519
00:21:36,463 --> 00:21:38,673
No, truly,
an incredible 100 years
520
00:21:38,757 --> 00:21:40,383
for the Bostonian
Irish Catholics.
521
00:21:40,425 --> 00:21:42,844
They've gone up a couple
of socioeconomic classes
522
00:21:42,927 --> 00:21:43,887
as a whole.
523
00:21:43,928 --> 00:21:44,888
They've had their own president,
524
00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:47,015
who was apparently killed
by his brother.
525
00:21:47,098 --> 00:21:49,100
- Right? Like,
there's any reason...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
526
00:21:49,142 --> 00:21:51,770
But they've not ascended
to the top of this totem pole.
527
00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:53,438
'Cause at the top
of this pyramid
528
00:21:53,521 --> 00:21:56,775
of Bostonian Caucasian, unquestionably?
529
00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:59,152
- AUDIENCE: WASPs.
- WASPs. Exactly.
530
00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:00,945
The WASPs. And let me tell you,
531
00:22:00,987 --> 00:22:04,949
that is the kind of White
you wanna be... (SMACKS LIPS)
532
00:22:04,991 --> 00:22:07,827
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
533
00:22:07,911 --> 00:22:09,621
...in Boston.
You know what I mean?
534
00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:12,332
The sort of, like,
any country club you want White.
535
00:22:12,415 --> 00:22:14,793
Or, like, had a relative
on the Mayflower White.
536
00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:18,963
Or, like, "I can't read,
but I got into Harvard!"
537
00:22:19,005 --> 00:22:20,632
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
538
00:22:20,715 --> 00:22:23,426
Like, that's the White
you wanna be in Beantown.
539
00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:25,762
And growing up,
I became so keenly aware of that
540
00:22:25,804 --> 00:22:28,014
and I started changing things
about myself
541
00:22:28,098 --> 00:22:30,266
to appear a little less Jewish.
542
00:22:30,308 --> 00:22:32,519
Like, when I was a kid,
no one called me Alex.
543
00:22:32,602 --> 00:22:35,021
Everyone called me David
or David Yosef.
544
00:22:35,105 --> 00:22:36,523
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- My--
545
00:22:36,606 --> 00:22:38,983
My full name isn't Alex Edelman.
546
00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:40,944
My full name, get ready,
547
00:22:40,985 --> 00:22:46,991
is David Yosef Shimon Ben Elazar
Reuven Alexander Halevi Edelman.
548
00:22:47,075 --> 00:22:48,326
That is my full name.
549
00:22:48,368 --> 00:22:52,831
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
- I go-- Sure.
550
00:22:52,914 --> 00:22:57,961
I go by Alex now and my family
has noticed the shift.
551
00:22:58,003 --> 00:22:59,921
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
552
00:23:00,005 --> 00:23:03,425
My father's name is Elazar.
That's the name that he goes by.
553
00:23:03,508 --> 00:23:05,385
And he's like, "You're not proud
of your real name?"
554
00:23:05,468 --> 00:23:07,762
And I'm like, "No."
And he's like, "Why not?"
555
00:23:07,846 --> 00:23:09,472
And I'm like,
"I don't know, Elazar.
556
00:23:09,514 --> 00:23:11,850
Maybe because it sounds like
we're all in Slytherin.
557
00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:16,771
- That's why."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
558
00:23:16,855 --> 00:23:19,024
ALEX: I have cousins Mikal
and Penecost.
559
00:23:19,065 --> 00:23:21,234
You can't even spell
their names right in English
560
00:23:21,317 --> 00:23:23,486
'cause there's no English letter
for phlegm.
561
00:23:23,528 --> 00:23:29,701
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
562
00:23:32,287 --> 00:23:35,582
I don't wanna get into a game
of like, "How Jewish are you?"
563
00:23:35,665 --> 00:23:38,251
This is how Jewish we are.
My brother AJ,
564
00:23:38,335 --> 00:23:40,253
or Adam Yitzhak Chaim...
565
00:23:40,337 --> 00:23:43,506
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
566
00:23:43,548 --> 00:23:46,301
...qualified
for the last Winter Olympics
567
00:23:46,384 --> 00:23:48,011
for Israel.
568
00:23:48,053 --> 00:23:49,637
This is not a joke.
569
00:23:49,721 --> 00:23:51,806
AJ-- I mean, like,
it is eventually a joke,
570
00:23:51,890 --> 00:23:55,560
- but like this... (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
571
00:23:55,602 --> 00:23:59,397
AJ qualified for the last
Winter Olympics for Israel.
572
00:23:59,481 --> 00:24:01,149
And whenever I tell people that,
573
00:24:01,232 --> 00:24:02,442
they always have
a few questions.
574
00:24:02,525 --> 00:24:04,569
They're like, "Your brother?"
"Yes."
575
00:24:04,652 --> 00:24:06,529
-"Your brother?" "Yes."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
576
00:24:06,571 --> 00:24:07,906
"Your brother's an Olympian?"
"Yeah."
577
00:24:07,989 --> 00:24:10,867
If you're wondering,
turns out it's nurture.
578
00:24:10,909 --> 00:24:14,454
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
579
00:24:14,537 --> 00:24:16,539
"Your brother's an Olympian?"
"I know."
580
00:24:16,581 --> 00:24:18,333
"For Israel?" "I know."
581
00:24:18,416 --> 00:24:20,251
"The Winter Olympics?" "I know."
582
00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:21,419
"Does Israel have winters?"
583
00:24:21,503 --> 00:24:23,546
"Not really.
He had to train in Munich,"
584
00:24:23,588 --> 00:24:26,591
in what must be the irony
to end all ironies.
585
00:24:26,675 --> 00:24:32,097
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
586
00:24:32,180 --> 00:24:36,393
"What's AJ's sport?"
"AJ's sport is called skeleton."
587
00:24:36,434 --> 00:24:37,435
Which is like... (CHUCKLES)
588
00:24:37,477 --> 00:24:39,145
Which is like luge
but head-first.
589
00:24:39,229 --> 00:24:40,397
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
590
00:24:40,438 --> 00:24:43,066
By the way,
my father says on television
591
00:24:43,108 --> 00:24:44,943
that I have to inform audiences
592
00:24:45,026 --> 00:24:47,612
that AJ is a hero,
it's an accomplishment,
593
00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:48,947
and we're so proud of him.
594
00:24:48,988 --> 00:24:51,116
- There. Okay. Skeleton--
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
595
00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:54,619
Oh, are you--
No, no, no, no, no. It's...
596
00:24:54,703 --> 00:24:57,247
It's the dumbest sport
in the world,
597
00:24:57,288 --> 00:24:58,498
it's not a real sport,
598
00:24:58,581 --> 00:25:00,792
it's a lunch tray
and an icy hill.
599
00:25:00,875 --> 00:25:04,337
- Here's... (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
600
00:25:04,421 --> 00:25:05,588
Here's how dumb this sport is.
601
00:25:05,630 --> 00:25:08,550
We went to go see AJ qualify
upstate Lake Placid,
602
00:25:08,633 --> 00:25:10,677
and this guy from Italy
named Cicini,
603
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:12,387
named Jean-Luc Cicini,
604
00:25:12,470 --> 00:25:14,139
he crashed
at the top of the run,
605
00:25:14,180 --> 00:25:16,433
and his little sled went down
without him,
606
00:25:16,474 --> 00:25:18,143
and the sled on its own
607
00:25:18,184 --> 00:25:20,103
finished in fourth place.
608
00:25:20,145 --> 00:25:24,816
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
609
00:25:26,026 --> 00:25:27,986
And I think
about that every day,
610
00:25:28,069 --> 00:25:30,405
'cause my brother's always like,
"It's a skill sport."
611
00:25:30,488 --> 00:25:32,574
And I'm like,
"It's gravity, AJ!"
612
00:25:32,657 --> 00:25:34,576
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
613
00:25:34,617 --> 00:25:38,204
A corpse and some duct tape
would medal in this event.
614
00:25:38,747 --> 00:25:39,831
You turn on the Olympics
615
00:25:39,914 --> 00:25:42,000
and Bob Costas would be like,
"Wow, Tom!
616
00:25:42,042 --> 00:25:44,586
Look at Simmons keeping
his shoulders so still
617
00:25:44,669 --> 00:25:45,670
in those corners."
618
00:25:45,712 --> 00:25:51,676
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
619
00:25:53,928 --> 00:25:56,473
Also, I had no faith in him.
620
00:25:56,556 --> 00:25:58,683
No. Like, whenever
they interview athlete families,
621
00:25:58,725 --> 00:26:00,852
they're always like, "We knew."
I'm like, "You knew?"
622
00:26:00,894 --> 00:26:02,854
"Oh, we knew that Megan
was special
623
00:26:02,937 --> 00:26:05,357
and she would lead
the women's team to the World--"
624
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,400
There was none of that
in my house.
625
00:26:07,484 --> 00:26:09,361
I made fun of my brother
every day.
626
00:26:09,444 --> 00:26:12,739
I called him "The Frozen Chosen"
for like four years in a row.
627
00:26:12,822 --> 00:26:16,659
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
628
00:26:16,701 --> 00:26:19,245
And then my mom was like,
"Stop calling him that."
629
00:26:19,329 --> 00:26:22,540
And this is gonna be too Jewish
for a couple of you,
630
00:26:22,624 --> 00:26:24,334
but I switched over
to "Shul Runnings"
631
00:26:24,376 --> 00:26:31,383
- and I am so proud.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
632
00:26:31,549 --> 00:26:33,009
Shul means synagogue in Yiddish.
633
00:26:33,051 --> 00:26:34,969
We had T-shirts made.
It's like a whole thing.
634
00:26:35,053 --> 00:26:37,263
We're at... (CHUCKLES)
We're at the Olympics.
635
00:26:37,347 --> 00:26:38,556
We're sitting on this bus
636
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,600
from the Olympic village
to the venue.
637
00:26:40,684 --> 00:26:43,228
And this Israeli reporter
was interviewing AJ
638
00:26:43,269 --> 00:26:44,479
and he was like, "Adam...
639
00:26:44,562 --> 00:26:46,564
- (BABBLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
640
00:26:46,606 --> 00:26:47,649
...what was it like
when you found out
641
00:26:47,732 --> 00:26:49,567
you were going
to be... (BABBLES)
642
00:26:49,609 --> 00:26:52,237
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- ...an Olympian?"
643
00:26:52,278 --> 00:26:54,572
And AJ was like, "Oh, Guri,
644
00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:57,200
no one was more surprised
than I was."
645
00:26:57,242 --> 00:27:01,204
And out loud on Israeli TV,
I just went, "That's not true."
646
00:27:01,246 --> 00:27:04,582
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
647
00:27:04,624 --> 00:27:06,418
"It's not true.
I bet my dad 50 dollars
648
00:27:06,501 --> 00:27:07,919
that he wouldn't make
the Olympics."
649
00:27:07,961 --> 00:27:11,006
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- But he did.
He made the Olympics.
650
00:27:11,089 --> 00:27:13,258
He's one of
the 30 best skeleton athletes
651
00:27:13,299 --> 00:27:14,217
on the planet,
652
00:27:14,259 --> 00:27:16,469
out of the 42 skeleton athletes
on the planet.
653
00:27:16,553 --> 00:27:18,430
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
654
00:27:18,513 --> 00:27:19,764
And he did it for Israel.
655
00:27:19,848 --> 00:27:21,683
And that's a whole
separate kettle of fish,
656
00:27:21,766 --> 00:27:24,769
but we are proudly
and emphatically Jewish.
657
00:27:24,811 --> 00:27:26,438
And it's a huge part
of my background
658
00:27:26,521 --> 00:27:27,731
and my upbringing
659
00:27:27,772 --> 00:27:30,734
and the filter through which
I see the world, but...
660
00:27:32,736 --> 00:27:34,446
- but...
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
661
00:27:35,989 --> 00:27:37,824
- (INAUDIBLE)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
662
00:27:37,907 --> 00:27:41,369
...when I'm standing
in this apartment
663
00:27:41,453 --> 00:27:43,872
in Queens and this guy says,
664
00:27:43,955 --> 00:27:46,583
"What's your name?"
I tell him my name's Alex,
665
00:27:46,624 --> 00:27:48,793
'cause I'm not gonna give him
the backstory.
666
00:27:48,877 --> 00:27:52,547
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- I said, "I'm Alex."
667
00:27:52,589 --> 00:27:55,300
And of course,
I said, "How about you, man?"
668
00:27:55,550 --> 00:27:56,760
(SNIFFS)
669
00:27:57,886 --> 00:27:59,179
"Like, what's your name?"
670
00:28:00,347 --> 00:28:03,641
And the guy thought about it.
671
00:28:03,683 --> 00:28:05,894
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
- He just went...
672
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:09,731
(EXHALES)
673
00:28:10,357 --> 00:28:11,983
"My name's Cortez."
674
00:28:12,067 --> 00:28:15,153
And I said, "I'm sorry,
your name is Cortez?"
675
00:28:15,195 --> 00:28:16,988
And with a real knife
in his voice,
676
00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:19,240
the guy just said,
"We don't give real names
677
00:28:19,324 --> 00:28:21,826
to people who are here
for the first time."
678
00:28:23,828 --> 00:28:26,498
And he looked directly
into my face.
679
00:28:26,539 --> 00:28:27,707
And I'm trying
to look back at him,
680
00:28:27,791 --> 00:28:29,084
like not too aggressive,
681
00:28:29,167 --> 00:28:31,670
but also not like a coward,
and it's very awkward.
682
00:28:31,711 --> 00:28:33,213
There's like a real moment
of tension.
683
00:28:33,296 --> 00:28:35,757
But that tension
is broken fairly quickly,
684
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:37,717
'cause this guy
just came crossing
685
00:28:37,801 --> 00:28:39,094
from the other side of the room
686
00:28:39,177 --> 00:28:40,553
and he looked at us,
and he just went,
687
00:28:40,637 --> 00:28:48,019
-"Hey, Matt, we're starting."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
688
00:28:50,063 --> 00:28:53,024
And I was like,
"Nice to meet you, Cortez."
689
00:28:54,734 --> 00:28:56,194
And then we start.
690
00:28:57,529 --> 00:28:58,738
We start.
691
00:28:59,781 --> 00:29:01,700
There was a moment
before I walked in
692
00:29:01,783 --> 00:29:03,410
where I was like,
"All right, if I get scared,
693
00:29:03,493 --> 00:29:05,954
I won't... I won't try
anything fancy, I will leave.
694
00:29:06,037 --> 00:29:08,498
I will excuse myself
to the bathroom and just go."
695
00:29:08,540 --> 00:29:10,500
But nothing scary
is happening yet.
696
00:29:10,542 --> 00:29:12,377
People are just
pulling up chairs
697
00:29:12,419 --> 00:29:13,420
to the middle of the room,
698
00:29:13,503 --> 00:29:15,338
and everything's like
a little higgledy-piggledy.
699
00:29:15,380 --> 00:29:17,716
But we wind up
with like a ragged circle
700
00:29:17,799 --> 00:29:19,843
of chairs
that doesn't quite close
701
00:29:19,884 --> 00:29:21,761
all the way on the end
over here.
702
00:29:21,845 --> 00:29:23,847
It's like a semicircle
or like...
703
00:29:23,888 --> 00:29:25,348
an anti-semicircle.
704
00:29:25,390 --> 00:29:29,185
- It's... (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
705
00:29:29,227 --> 00:29:31,896
(CHUCKLES) I'm over here.
I'm over here.
706
00:29:33,273 --> 00:29:34,899
I'm over here.
707
00:29:34,941 --> 00:29:37,569
There's, uh...
There are 17 of us, okay?
708
00:29:37,652 --> 00:29:38,653
I'm gonna say us.
709
00:29:38,737 --> 00:29:40,572
I'm gonna lump myself in
logistically.
710
00:29:40,655 --> 00:29:41,865
Seventeen of us.
711
00:29:41,948 --> 00:29:45,827
Twelve men, five women,
including Chelsea, my new love.
712
00:29:45,910 --> 00:29:47,704
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
713
00:29:47,746 --> 00:29:49,664
Chelsea's, like, two,
three seats away from me
714
00:29:49,748 --> 00:29:51,750
on this side.
This side of the circle,
715
00:29:51,833 --> 00:29:54,085
a little bit younger
than this side of the circle.
716
00:29:54,127 --> 00:29:56,963
But this side of the circle
seems to know each other.
717
00:29:57,047 --> 00:29:58,590
Much better,
a little more engaged,
718
00:29:58,631 --> 00:29:59,716
a little more hardcore.
719
00:29:59,758 --> 00:30:02,719
This side, of course,
has Cortez, my pal.
720
00:30:02,761 --> 00:30:04,220
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
721
00:30:04,262 --> 00:30:05,805
He's, like, um,
722
00:30:05,889 --> 00:30:07,515
five, six seats away from me
on this side,
723
00:30:07,599 --> 00:30:11,311
jigsaw lady's sitting
next to him, and we start.
724
00:30:12,604 --> 00:30:14,272
(EXHALES HEAVILY) We start.
725
00:30:15,565 --> 00:30:18,860
And for the first 15
or so minutes of this meeting,
726
00:30:18,943 --> 00:30:22,572
these guys talked
about the royal wedding.
727
00:30:22,614 --> 00:30:24,574
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
728
00:30:24,616 --> 00:30:25,742
Meghan and Harry.
729
00:30:25,784 --> 00:30:27,952
It had happened
since they last got together,
730
00:30:27,994 --> 00:30:29,454
and they were upset about it.
731
00:30:29,537 --> 00:30:32,499
(CHUCKLES) And it took me
way longer than it should have
732
00:30:32,582 --> 00:30:34,292
to realize why they were upset.
733
00:30:34,334 --> 00:30:38,546
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
734
00:30:38,630 --> 00:30:42,967
Meghan Markle's mixed race.
Of course she is. I forgot that.
735
00:30:43,051 --> 00:30:45,178
I forgot.
You know who didn't forget?
736
00:30:45,261 --> 00:30:47,430
- White nationalists.
They're very upset.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
737
00:30:47,472 --> 00:30:50,308
They prefer that he marry
a first cousin as per usual.
738
00:30:50,392 --> 00:30:52,435
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
739
00:30:52,477 --> 00:30:54,229
(CHUCKLES) Uh, real quick,
740
00:30:54,312 --> 00:30:55,647
I have a connection
to Prince Harry,
741
00:30:55,730 --> 00:30:58,483
which is that my friend Jack
once did cocaine with him
742
00:30:58,566 --> 00:31:01,861
- in a London nightclub bathroom.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
743
00:31:01,945 --> 00:31:03,697
All right,
that did not get the reaction
744
00:31:03,780 --> 00:31:05,740
- that I wanted from you.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
745
00:31:05,824 --> 00:31:07,325
ALEX: I will sidebar for this.
746
00:31:07,367 --> 00:31:09,327
Prince Harry had
a cocaine problem.
747
00:31:09,369 --> 00:31:10,537
It's the best thing.
748
00:31:10,620 --> 00:31:11,705
We don't talk about it enough
749
00:31:11,788 --> 00:31:13,164
as a culture.
It's in the new book.
750
00:31:13,206 --> 00:31:15,917
It's fantastic.
I don't approve of cocaine,
751
00:31:16,001 --> 00:31:18,169
but I love that Prince Harry
had a cocaine problem.
752
00:31:18,211 --> 00:31:20,588
Because in America,
we forget this.
753
00:31:20,672 --> 00:31:23,800
But in England, the Queen
is on all of the money.
754
00:31:23,842 --> 00:31:29,014
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
755
00:31:29,097 --> 00:31:30,932
So that means at some point,
756
00:31:31,016 --> 00:31:34,686
Prince Harry rolled up
a picture of his grandmother
757
00:31:34,728 --> 00:31:36,354
to do drugs that he bought
758
00:31:36,438 --> 00:31:39,357
with other pictures
of his grandmother.
759
00:31:41,026 --> 00:31:44,195
That will never happen
to any of you.
760
00:31:44,279 --> 00:31:46,823
None of you can walk
into Times Square after this
761
00:31:46,865 --> 00:31:48,533
and the drug dealer's like,
"Excuse me,
762
00:31:48,575 --> 00:31:50,994
that'll be 300 dollars."
And you're like, "Excuse me.
763
00:31:51,077 --> 00:31:54,622
Here's a picture of my grandma
at her 50th Jubilee parade."
764
00:31:54,706 --> 00:31:55,749
He's like, "What?"
765
00:31:55,832 --> 00:31:57,334
You're like,
"Here's a picture of my grandma
766
00:31:57,417 --> 00:31:58,209
with Winston Churchill."
767
00:31:58,251 --> 00:31:59,377
And he's like,
"How'd you get this?"
768
00:31:59,419 --> 00:32:01,087
And you're like,
"Here's a picture of my grandma
769
00:32:01,171 --> 00:32:03,882
planning the death of my mom."
It only works for him.
770
00:32:03,965 --> 00:32:06,259
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
771
00:32:06,343 --> 00:32:08,386
What are you gonna do
about it though, huh?
772
00:32:09,721 --> 00:32:11,890
What, are you gonna tell people
not to watch the special?
773
00:32:11,973 --> 00:32:13,683
Fuck you. What are you gonna do?
774
00:32:13,725 --> 00:32:14,976
(CHUCKLES)
775
00:32:16,186 --> 00:32:17,354
Just 'cause it's not
in The Crown,
776
00:32:17,395 --> 00:32:19,439
doesn't mean it didn't happen.
Grow the fuck up.
777
00:32:19,522 --> 00:32:23,401
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
778
00:32:23,485 --> 00:32:24,569
(CHUCKLES) By the way,
779
00:32:24,611 --> 00:32:27,113
just so you know,
cocaine has no effect on me.
780
00:32:27,197 --> 00:32:29,074
- None. Zero.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
781
00:32:29,115 --> 00:32:30,742
Because I'm part
of this generation
782
00:32:30,784 --> 00:32:34,204
of over-medicated ADHD children.
783
00:32:34,245 --> 00:32:36,206
Do you know what I mean?
Like, someone offered me cocaine
784
00:32:36,247 --> 00:32:38,375
a couple of years ago,
and I tried it,
785
00:32:38,416 --> 00:32:40,293
and they were like,
"How do you feel?"
786
00:32:40,377 --> 00:32:43,546
And I was like,
"Like there's homework to do!"
787
00:32:43,588 --> 00:32:50,136
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
788
00:32:52,263 --> 00:32:54,641
"Do you feel like dancing?
We're going dancing."
789
00:32:54,724 --> 00:32:55,642
And I'm like, "I can't,
790
00:32:55,725 --> 00:32:58,019
I'm putting a bibliography
together, aren't I?"
791
00:32:58,103 --> 00:33:01,231
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
792
00:33:01,272 --> 00:33:03,316
I'm gonna get started
on the secondary sources.
793
00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:05,610
You fact-check
the primary sources.
794
00:33:07,195 --> 00:33:09,030
Where are you going?
We need 3,000 words
795
00:33:09,114 --> 00:33:10,907
on Moby Dick by Thursday.
796
00:33:10,949 --> 00:33:14,119
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
797
00:33:17,747 --> 00:33:21,042
Anyway. They're upset.
798
00:33:21,126 --> 00:33:24,295
And this is a huge group
of nodders.
799
00:33:24,379 --> 00:33:26,506
Like, if anyone ever agreed
with anything, they were like,
800
00:33:26,589 --> 00:33:29,467
"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm."
801
00:33:29,509 --> 00:33:31,302
And someone's like,
"It's a disgrace."
802
00:33:31,386 --> 00:33:33,221
And everyone's like,
"It's a disgrace!"
803
00:33:33,304 --> 00:33:38,309
- (MUMBLED) "It's a disgrace."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
804
00:33:38,393 --> 00:33:40,145
And someone else was like,
"It represents
805
00:33:40,186 --> 00:33:41,646
the sorry state of the West."
806
00:33:41,730 --> 00:33:43,231
And everyone's like, "The West?
807
00:33:43,314 --> 00:33:46,151
What happened to our standards
in the West?"
808
00:33:46,234 --> 00:33:52,323
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
809
00:33:53,450 --> 00:33:55,035
And jigsaw lady.
810
00:33:56,036 --> 00:33:58,955
Jigsaw-- I'm fascinated
by this person.
811
00:33:58,997 --> 00:34:00,415
Not much for eye contact.
812
00:34:00,498 --> 00:34:03,001
Always looking at her shoes,
like they owed her money.
813
00:34:03,043 --> 00:34:04,544
- Always straight down.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
814
00:34:04,627 --> 00:34:07,839
But whenever she spoke,
you knew who was talking.
815
00:34:07,922 --> 00:34:09,799
No one else had a register
like this.
816
00:34:09,841 --> 00:34:11,051
And at some point,
she just went,
817
00:34:11,134 --> 00:34:13,053
"Didn't just happen though,
did it?
818
00:34:15,388 --> 00:34:17,557
Didn't just happen
is what we've come to.
819
00:34:19,017 --> 00:34:20,435
This is what we've come to.
820
00:34:20,518 --> 00:34:23,855
A member of the royal family
marrying a--"
821
00:34:23,938 --> 00:34:25,315
And then...
822
00:34:26,649 --> 00:34:29,986
- she uses the N-word.
- (AUDIENCE GROANING)
823
00:34:30,028 --> 00:34:33,573
And Chelsea just said...
(INHALES)
824
00:34:33,656 --> 00:34:34,699
"You know...
825
00:34:36,034 --> 00:34:38,536
I'm not crazy
about that word actually."
826
00:34:38,620 --> 00:34:43,041
And I thought to myself,
"There's a spectrum of Nazi?"
827
00:34:43,083 --> 00:34:48,630
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
828
00:34:50,757 --> 00:34:53,385
I kept falling in love
with Chelsea a little bit.
829
00:34:54,844 --> 00:34:56,179
I did, for two reasons.
830
00:34:56,221 --> 00:34:57,931
- First of all, you never know.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
831
00:34:58,014 --> 00:34:59,599
Second of all--
Right? You never know.
832
00:34:59,683 --> 00:35:02,727
Second of all,
I love romantic comedy films.
833
00:35:02,769 --> 00:35:06,272
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
834
00:35:06,356 --> 00:35:08,066
Right? You wouldn't watch this?
835
00:35:08,108 --> 00:35:11,528
What a great meet-cute
for a rom-com, no?
836
00:35:11,569 --> 00:35:14,572
We meet at this meeting.
She's played by Anne Hathaway.
837
00:35:14,656 --> 00:35:16,741
I like to imagine
I've booked the role of myself,
838
00:35:16,825 --> 00:35:18,743
but if we're being honest,
it's Jesse Eisenberg
839
00:35:18,785 --> 00:35:20,078
- or skinny Jonah Hill.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
840
00:35:20,161 --> 00:35:21,162
And like,
we meet at this meeting.
841
00:35:21,246 --> 00:35:22,288
And we start dating,
842
00:35:22,372 --> 00:35:23,498
and I have to hide the fact
that I'm Jewish.
843
00:35:23,581 --> 00:35:25,000
And eventually,
we start sleeping together,
844
00:35:25,083 --> 00:35:26,334
and she's like,
"Why are you circumcised?"
845
00:35:26,418 --> 00:35:27,460
And I'm like,
"Don't worry about it."
846
00:35:27,544 --> 00:35:28,837
And, like, things are going
really amazing,
847
00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:30,505
and I get down on one knee
towards the end of the film
848
00:35:30,588 --> 00:35:32,048
at the top
of the Empire State Building,
849
00:35:32,090 --> 00:35:33,258
in the rain, it's a rom-com.
850
00:35:33,299 --> 00:35:35,427
And as I open up
my ring box to propose,
851
00:35:35,510 --> 00:35:37,387
I lock eyes
with my TALMA teacher
852
00:35:37,429 --> 00:35:39,514
from fifth grade,
and I'm like, "Rabbi Klammer?"
853
00:35:39,597 --> 00:35:40,974
And he's like,
"David Yosef Shimon Edelman?"
854
00:35:41,057 --> 00:35:42,100
And she's like...
(MIMICS CRYING)
855
00:35:42,142 --> 00:35:43,226
And she runs away.
856
00:35:43,268 --> 00:35:45,145
But her best friend,
Rebel Wilson, is like,
857
00:35:45,228 --> 00:35:47,480
"Girl, you gotta go back to him.
He is a good man."
858
00:35:47,564 --> 00:35:51,109
And so we reunite, and we kiss,
and the last scene of the movie,
859
00:35:51,192 --> 00:35:53,486
we're married
in my parents' synagogue, right?
860
00:35:53,570 --> 00:35:55,113
Like that's how that would go.
861
00:35:55,155 --> 00:35:59,951
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
862
00:35:59,993 --> 00:36:03,204
You know, on Broadway,
I've had to explain that to--
863
00:36:03,288 --> 00:36:04,873
The stomp to people.
864
00:36:05,957 --> 00:36:07,876
So, like,
if you guys don't know,
865
00:36:07,959 --> 00:36:11,004
when Jews get married,
they wrap a glass up in a napkin
866
00:36:11,087 --> 00:36:15,008
and then they crush the glass
because the glass represents...
867
00:36:15,091 --> 00:36:17,135
happiness.
So, you're just like, bam.
868
00:36:17,218 --> 00:36:23,516
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
869
00:36:26,144 --> 00:36:28,438
Here's the problem
with my rom-com.
870
00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:30,982
I date very assertive women.
I always have.
871
00:36:31,066 --> 00:36:33,651
So, what would really happen is,
we'd meet at this meeting,
872
00:36:33,735 --> 00:36:37,155
we'd start dating,
and then three weeks later...
873
00:36:37,197 --> 00:36:38,948
(CHUCKLES) ...I would be a Nazi.
874
00:36:38,990 --> 00:36:42,577
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
875
00:36:42,660 --> 00:36:44,537
I'd be standing
on my parents' front lawn
876
00:36:44,621 --> 00:36:46,748
in Brookline, Massachusetts,
holding a brick,
877
00:36:46,790 --> 00:36:48,166
and she'd be like, "Do it."
878
00:36:48,249 --> 00:36:49,250
And I'm like...
879
00:36:49,334 --> 00:36:53,296
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
880
00:36:53,338 --> 00:36:56,049
-"Hi, Eema."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
881
00:36:56,132 --> 00:36:58,802
"Hi, Mom, this is Chelsea.
This is Matt--
882
00:36:58,843 --> 00:37:03,515
- Sorry, this is Cortez."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
883
00:37:15,777 --> 00:37:18,363
There's so much complaining
in this room.
884
00:37:19,572 --> 00:37:20,657
That's the first thing that--
885
00:37:20,699 --> 00:37:23,284
There's so much kvetching
in this room.
886
00:37:24,369 --> 00:37:25,453
(CLEARS THROAT)
This is around the time
887
00:37:25,537 --> 00:37:26,871
they were taking down
Confederate statues.
888
00:37:26,955 --> 00:37:29,040
Remember that?
They're very upset about that.
889
00:37:29,082 --> 00:37:32,794
They talked a lot about how
White history is being erased.
890
00:37:32,877 --> 00:37:35,714
They're taking down statues
of White people.
891
00:37:35,797 --> 00:37:38,216
They're pulling White people
out of textbooks.
892
00:37:38,258 --> 00:37:39,384
Someone over here says,
893
00:37:39,467 --> 00:37:41,011
"They don't even teach
about White men
894
00:37:41,052 --> 00:37:42,429
in public schools anymore."
895
00:37:42,512 --> 00:37:45,557
- And everyone's like, "Mm-hmm."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
896
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:46,725
"Mm-hmm."
897
00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:49,769
And White people
aren't just being replaced
898
00:37:49,853 --> 00:37:52,731
in the classroom.
It's happening in real life.
899
00:37:52,772 --> 00:37:55,400
It's happening in real life
in their own country,
900
00:37:55,442 --> 00:37:58,903
in their own country,
it's a disgrace.
901
00:38:01,406 --> 00:38:02,699
It's a disgrace.
902
00:38:03,742 --> 00:38:06,161
And what's enabling
this replacement?
903
00:38:06,244 --> 00:38:08,872
What's enabling,
as the guy next to me says,
904
00:38:08,913 --> 00:38:12,584
"The slow-moving genocide
against Whites in America"?
905
00:38:14,919 --> 00:38:16,087
It's this myth.
906
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:18,882
It's this myth
of White privilege.
907
00:38:18,923 --> 00:38:21,509
And this myth drives
so much of the stuff they hate.
908
00:38:21,593 --> 00:38:23,678
It drives diversity
hiring initiatives.
909
00:38:23,762 --> 00:38:26,514
It drives a popular culture
they despise!
910
00:38:26,598 --> 00:38:28,099
Despise.
911
00:38:28,141 --> 00:38:31,019
And it drives reverse racism,
which is when people are racist
912
00:38:31,102 --> 00:38:34,397
against White people
just because they're White.
913
00:38:34,439 --> 00:38:38,276
And then someone over here says,
"It's the biggest problem
914
00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:39,652
in the country today,
915
00:38:39,736 --> 00:38:42,030
and no one is brave enough
to talk about it."
916
00:38:42,113 --> 00:38:47,744
- And everyone's like,
"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
917
00:38:52,832 --> 00:38:55,543
And I can give you
two guesses...
918
00:38:55,627 --> 00:38:58,463
(CHUCKLES) ...at who they blame
for this kind of thing.
919
00:38:58,505 --> 00:39:00,590
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
920
00:39:00,632 --> 00:39:02,967
And you might not need
your second guess.
921
00:39:04,302 --> 00:39:05,720
Because running
through this meeting
922
00:39:05,804 --> 00:39:08,431
is this thick vein
of antisemitism,
923
00:39:08,473 --> 00:39:11,142
but I've never seen this kind
of antisemitism before.
924
00:39:11,184 --> 00:39:12,811
It's almost exhilarating.
925
00:39:12,852 --> 00:39:16,064
It's like thick,
Technicolor, weapons-grade,
926
00:39:16,147 --> 00:39:19,567
conspiracy-theory level anti--
Like, at some point,
927
00:39:19,651 --> 00:39:22,320
this guy two seats away
from me, he just went,
928
00:39:22,362 --> 00:39:26,491
"Jews are sneaky
and they're everywhere!"
929
00:39:26,533 --> 00:39:31,162
- And I was like...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
930
00:39:37,460 --> 00:39:38,503
"Seems like the wrong time
931
00:39:38,586 --> 00:39:40,797
to argue
with this guy actually."
932
00:39:41,881 --> 00:39:43,842
"That's a disgrace."
"That's a disgrace."
933
00:39:43,925 --> 00:39:48,221
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
934
00:39:48,304 --> 00:39:50,640
I see myself very much as a Jew.
935
00:39:51,891 --> 00:39:56,604
Obviously. But I see myself more
than anything else as a Jew.
936
00:39:56,688 --> 00:39:57,856
Like when I wake up
in the morning,
937
00:39:57,939 --> 00:40:00,275
my first thought is like,
"Jew waking up."
938
00:40:00,358 --> 00:40:05,155
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
939
00:40:05,196 --> 00:40:07,157
And not just Jewish religious,
940
00:40:07,198 --> 00:40:11,161
observant, thoughtful
about what it means in my life.
941
00:40:11,202 --> 00:40:12,287
If I was very secular,
942
00:40:12,370 --> 00:40:14,247
I'd be a completely
different human being.
943
00:40:14,330 --> 00:40:16,291
Complete-- If I was very secular
in a fun,
944
00:40:16,332 --> 00:40:19,127
liberal city like New York
or San Francisco,
945
00:40:19,169 --> 00:40:21,379
I think I'd consider
myself bisexual.
946
00:40:21,463 --> 00:40:23,089
But because
I was raised religious
947
00:40:23,173 --> 00:40:24,215
in a place like Boston,
948
00:40:24,257 --> 00:40:27,594
I consider myself straight
with a couple of secrets.
949
00:40:27,677 --> 00:40:32,891
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
950
00:40:32,932 --> 00:40:35,727
And I remember the first time
I was aware of being Jewish.
951
00:40:35,769 --> 00:40:37,395
I should have been aware,
like, eight days in.
952
00:40:37,479 --> 00:40:42,108
- But the first time
I was aware... (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
953
00:40:42,192 --> 00:40:45,070
The first time I was aware,
I was, like, five years old.
954
00:40:45,111 --> 00:40:48,281
I'm at a Chuck E. Cheese
at a children's birthday party
955
00:40:48,365 --> 00:40:49,866
in Natick, Massachusetts.
956
00:40:49,908 --> 00:40:51,576
And I reached for
a slice of pizza
957
00:40:51,659 --> 00:40:53,453
that had some sausage on it
or pepperoni,
958
00:40:53,536 --> 00:40:54,746
something not kosher.
959
00:40:54,829 --> 00:40:57,665
And my grandfather was there,
and he saw me reaching,
960
00:40:57,749 --> 00:41:00,377
and he kicked my hand. Kicked.
961
00:41:00,418 --> 00:41:01,920
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
962
00:41:02,003 --> 00:41:03,797
And he said,
"You can't have that, David.
963
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:06,508
We're Jewish." And I said,
"What does that mean?"
964
00:41:06,591 --> 00:41:08,885
And with a totally
straight face, he just went,
965
00:41:08,927 --> 00:41:10,762
"It means you'll never
be happy."
966
00:41:10,845 --> 00:41:16,768
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
967
00:41:20,689 --> 00:41:23,441
And I said, "Be'emet?"
which means, "For real?"
968
00:41:23,483 --> 00:41:26,027
And he went, "Oh, yeah."
And I said, "Why?"
969
00:41:26,111 --> 00:41:27,612
And he said,
"It means you'll never be happy
970
00:41:27,654 --> 00:41:28,655
with the way things are.
971
00:41:28,738 --> 00:41:30,240
And you'll always
question things.
972
00:41:30,281 --> 00:41:31,783
And even when things
are pretty good,
973
00:41:31,825 --> 00:41:33,451
they won't seem
that good to you."
974
00:41:33,535 --> 00:41:36,579
And I said,
"Papa, I don't wanna be Jewish!"
975
00:41:36,621 --> 00:41:39,416
And then my grandfather
laughed at me.
976
00:41:39,457 --> 00:41:41,459
And he just went...
(CHUCKLES) "Sweetie,
977
00:41:41,501 --> 00:41:43,628
that's the most Jewish thing
there is."
978
00:41:43,712 --> 00:41:48,591
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
979
00:41:48,633 --> 00:41:52,262
And it blows my mind
when I meet non-Jews,
980
00:41:52,303 --> 00:41:55,015
and they say things to me
like, "Oh, well, I get it
981
00:41:55,098 --> 00:41:57,183
'cause I used
to be a Christian, so."
982
00:41:59,060 --> 00:42:00,770
"Sorry, what?"
"Well, I was raised Christian,
983
00:42:00,812 --> 00:42:02,814
but a couple years ago,
I decided I was nothing, so."
984
00:42:02,856 --> 00:42:04,983
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING SOFTLY)
985
00:42:05,900 --> 00:42:07,485
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- No--
986
00:42:07,569 --> 00:42:09,738
I understand
that intellectually.
987
00:42:09,821 --> 00:42:11,990
I respect that, of course.
988
00:42:12,032 --> 00:42:16,411
But that is not
how it works in Judaism.
989
00:42:16,494 --> 00:42:18,997
You can't leave
when you feel like it.
990
00:42:19,039 --> 00:42:22,792
Judaism is the Hotel California
of religions.
991
00:42:22,834 --> 00:42:24,294
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
992
00:42:24,336 --> 00:42:25,337
It is a mailing list,
993
00:42:25,420 --> 00:42:27,922
you can never
"unsubscribe" from.
994
00:42:29,174 --> 00:42:31,634
And I worry
that I'm not Jewish enough.
995
00:42:31,676 --> 00:42:32,844
I worry that.
996
00:42:32,927 --> 00:42:35,013
I-- Which is crazy,
'cause to my comedy friends,
997
00:42:35,096 --> 00:42:37,098
I'm the most Jewish person
they've ever met.
998
00:42:37,182 --> 00:42:39,517
I'm a beard away
from their conception of rabbi.
999
00:42:39,559 --> 00:42:40,685
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1000
00:42:40,769 --> 00:42:43,521
And to my family, I'm Lady Gaga.
1001
00:42:43,563 --> 00:42:46,858
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1002
00:42:47,525 --> 00:42:48,693
I called my father once.
1003
00:42:48,735 --> 00:42:51,696
My father is this lovely,
thoughtful professor
1004
00:42:51,738 --> 00:42:53,907
at Harvard Medical School,
religious,
1005
00:42:53,990 --> 00:42:55,700
wears a yarmulke,
a kippah.
1006
00:42:55,742 --> 00:42:57,952
Every single day of his life.
If something goes well,
1007
00:42:58,036 --> 00:43:00,038
he says, "Baruch Hashem."
"Thank God."
1008
00:43:00,121 --> 00:43:02,707
And I called him,
I said, "Dad, Abba, I worry
1009
00:43:02,749 --> 00:43:05,043
that the life that I lead
isn't Jewish enough."
1010
00:43:05,126 --> 00:43:07,504
And he said, "Alex,
I understand that concern."
1011
00:43:07,545 --> 00:43:08,922
And I said,
"Do you ever worry about that?"
1012
00:43:09,005 --> 00:43:11,049
And he said,
"Of course. I worry every day
1013
00:43:11,132 --> 00:43:13,510
that the life that you lead
isn't Jewish enough."
1014
00:43:13,551 --> 00:43:18,390
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1015
00:43:18,431 --> 00:43:23,520
And I am so tough on other Jews.
I am relentless with other Jews.
1016
00:43:23,561 --> 00:43:25,563
It's my least favorite thing
about myself.
1017
00:43:25,605 --> 00:43:27,899
Like... Like,
I was at a friend's house.
1018
00:43:27,941 --> 00:43:29,693
I'm meeting my friend's baby.
1019
00:43:29,734 --> 00:43:33,238
So many of my friends
are having babies or adopting.
1020
00:43:33,321 --> 00:43:36,199
I'm thinking a lot
about adoption, but I'm 34.
1021
00:43:36,241 --> 00:43:37,075
And I think for adoption,
1022
00:43:37,117 --> 00:43:39,828
that's right on the line,
age-wise.
1023
00:43:39,911 --> 00:43:41,121
Right?
Like, I think that's too old.
1024
00:43:41,204 --> 00:43:43,039
I don't think anyone
is gonna take me at this point.
1025
00:43:43,081 --> 00:43:46,668
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
- But like--
1026
00:43:48,503 --> 00:43:51,256
I'm holding...
I'm holding this baby,
1027
00:43:51,339 --> 00:43:54,092
and the baby starts to cry.
Oh, baby's name is Yasi.
1028
00:43:54,134 --> 00:43:56,469
My friend's name is Mati.
His wife's name is Rahel.
1029
00:43:56,553 --> 00:43:58,763
- These are normal names
where I'm from.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1030
00:43:58,805 --> 00:44:00,348
They are.
Those are normal names.
1031
00:44:00,432 --> 00:44:01,433
And I'm holding the baby,
1032
00:44:01,516 --> 00:44:03,476
and he starts to cry,
which is fine.
1033
00:44:03,560 --> 00:44:05,145
He's a baby. But Rahel,
1034
00:44:05,228 --> 00:44:07,522
who I don't think's
ever really liked me,
1035
00:44:07,605 --> 00:44:11,568
- just went, "Huh."
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
1036
00:44:11,609 --> 00:44:14,029
"Looks like he's not
a fan of yours, is he?"
1037
00:44:15,613 --> 00:44:19,284
And I said,
"It's fine. He's a baby."
1038
00:44:19,367 --> 00:44:22,662
And she said, "He actually has
a really good sense for men."
1039
00:44:22,746 --> 00:44:24,789
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1040
00:44:24,873 --> 00:44:26,791
And I said, "He doesn't have
a good sense for anything.
1041
00:44:26,833 --> 00:44:28,918
He doesn't even know
he's alive yet."
1042
00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:32,005
And apparently,
never say this to a new mother.
1043
00:44:32,088 --> 00:44:35,133
I said, "He's just like
a brisket with eyes right now."
1044
00:44:35,216 --> 00:44:39,387
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1045
00:44:44,142 --> 00:44:46,061
And she said,
"He's very intuitive."
1046
00:44:46,144 --> 00:44:49,439
And I said,
"He's not. He shits himself."
1047
00:44:50,648 --> 00:44:52,984
And the husband,
who I've known forever,
1048
00:44:53,026 --> 00:44:54,694
he's seen enough
and he just went,
1049
00:44:54,778 --> 00:44:57,489
"Whoa! Whoa--"
Still calls me David.
1050
00:44:57,572 --> 00:44:58,656
That's how long
I've known this guy.
1051
00:44:58,698 --> 00:44:59,657
I've known this guy forever.
1052
00:44:59,699 --> 00:45:01,826
And he went,
"Whoa! Sorry, David,
1053
00:45:01,910 --> 00:45:04,496
we're a little uptight-- We are.
We're a little uptight,
1054
00:45:04,537 --> 00:45:05,914
'cause people have been
judging us
1055
00:45:05,997 --> 00:45:07,707
for the way
that we're raising the baby."
1056
00:45:07,791 --> 00:45:09,417
And I said,
"What do you mean?"
1057
00:45:09,459 --> 00:45:12,170
And he said,
"Well, we've decide--
1058
00:45:12,212 --> 00:45:15,632
We've decided
that we're not gonna vaccinate
1059
00:45:15,674 --> 00:45:17,342
until we know a bit more."
1060
00:45:17,425 --> 00:45:18,843
And I was like, "Against COVID,
1061
00:45:18,927 --> 00:45:20,845
you don't need to.
He's an infant."
1062
00:45:20,929 --> 00:45:24,432
He's like, "Not against COVID,
against like mumps and measles
1063
00:45:24,516 --> 00:45:25,558
and the other stuff."
1064
00:45:25,642 --> 00:45:30,021
- And I was like, "Oh!"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1065
00:45:30,105 --> 00:45:34,401
"Oh, well, first of all,
here's your disease baby back."
1066
00:45:34,484 --> 00:45:39,948
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1067
00:45:44,786 --> 00:45:47,747
"Second of all,
what are you talking about?"
1068
00:45:47,831 --> 00:45:49,040
And he said, "Well, we've read
1069
00:45:49,082 --> 00:45:50,834
that the vaccines
can cause autism."
1070
00:45:50,875 --> 00:45:52,836
And I said, "That is not true."
1071
00:45:52,877 --> 00:45:55,380
And Rahel went,
"What do you know about autism?"
1072
00:45:55,463 --> 00:45:59,342
And I was like, "First of all,
I've been tested 11 times."
1073
00:45:59,384 --> 00:46:02,595
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1074
00:46:02,679 --> 00:46:03,805
"You think you get like this
1075
00:46:03,888 --> 00:46:06,850
without people asking
a couple of questions?"
1076
00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:10,186
I am so neurodivergent.
1077
00:46:10,228 --> 00:46:13,481
I saw so many
child psychiatrists growing up
1078
00:46:13,565 --> 00:46:14,816
in the Greater Boston area,
1079
00:46:14,899 --> 00:46:16,735
the last one was free.
1080
00:46:16,818 --> 00:46:18,403
And I just have, like,
one memory.
1081
00:46:18,445 --> 00:46:21,406
I'm sitting on this brown couch
in this doctor's office,
1082
00:46:21,448 --> 00:46:22,323
and my mom is outside
1083
00:46:22,407 --> 00:46:24,159
in the waiting room talking
to the doctor.
1084
00:46:24,242 --> 00:46:25,910
And I just remember
hearing her go,
1085
00:46:25,994 --> 00:46:27,787
"What do you mean, 'He's fine?'"
1086
00:46:27,871 --> 00:46:33,251
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1087
00:46:43,178 --> 00:46:47,390
And I was like, "Yeah,
vaccines don't cause autism."
1088
00:46:47,432 --> 00:46:48,308
"Mati, you know that."
1089
00:46:48,391 --> 00:46:50,727
And like,
it ends the conversation.
1090
00:46:50,769 --> 00:46:52,270
He just went, "Well...
1091
00:46:53,980 --> 00:46:55,440
it's our opinion, isn't it?
1092
00:46:57,233 --> 00:46:59,903
We're his parents.
It's our opinion."
1093
00:46:59,944 --> 00:47:02,113
And I don't know
that I would do this
1094
00:47:02,155 --> 00:47:05,075
with someone who wasn't Jewish,
but I just went,
1095
00:47:05,116 --> 00:47:07,619
"Oh, and you guys
are embarrassed."
1096
00:47:07,660 --> 00:47:09,120
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING SOFTLY)
1097
00:47:09,162 --> 00:47:10,372
"Right, you're mortified,
1098
00:47:10,455 --> 00:47:12,624
'cause it's such
a low-information opinion."
1099
00:47:12,707 --> 00:47:16,252
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1100
00:47:16,294 --> 00:47:17,796
"'Cause there's no basis
in science,
1101
00:47:17,837 --> 00:47:19,005
and it's so bad for the child,
1102
00:47:19,089 --> 00:47:20,507
so you probably
don't tell people."
1103
00:47:20,590 --> 00:47:22,801
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
1104
00:47:22,842 --> 00:47:24,511
"Something so ill-informed."
1105
00:47:26,346 --> 00:47:29,974
And he said,
"Excuse me, we're his parents.
1106
00:47:30,016 --> 00:47:31,017
You don't have children.
1107
00:47:31,101 --> 00:47:32,352
You've never had to make
this choice.
1108
00:47:32,435 --> 00:47:34,312
You're judging us
for our opinion?"
1109
00:47:34,354 --> 00:47:36,981
And I was like,
"That's how we judge people!"
1110
00:47:37,023 --> 00:47:39,275
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1111
00:47:39,317 --> 00:47:40,819
"Their opinions
and their actions,
1112
00:47:40,902 --> 00:47:42,320
and the content
of their character.
1113
00:47:42,404 --> 00:47:45,448
It used to be skin color,
but someone had a dream."
1114
00:47:45,490 --> 00:47:48,493
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1115
00:47:48,535 --> 00:47:50,912
And he said to me, in Hebrew,
1116
00:47:50,995 --> 00:47:54,207
in Hebrew,
"David, you can't judge us.
1117
00:47:54,290 --> 00:47:59,170
Only God,
only Hashem can judge."
1118
00:47:59,212 --> 00:48:02,465
- And that worked with me.
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
1119
00:48:02,507 --> 00:48:03,883
No, but that calmed me down
immediately,
1120
00:48:03,967 --> 00:48:05,510
'cause it reminded me
how I know this guy.
1121
00:48:05,552 --> 00:48:07,595
I know this guy 'cause
we went to a yeshiva together,
1122
00:48:07,679 --> 00:48:08,888
which is a Hebrew day school.
1123
00:48:08,972 --> 00:48:11,683
And in a yeshiva,
you study Torah every morning
1124
00:48:11,766 --> 00:48:13,601
from 8:00 a.m.
to 6:00 p.m.,
1125
00:48:13,685 --> 00:48:15,270
because "yeshiva"
is a Hebrew word
1126
00:48:15,353 --> 00:48:16,938
- that means "miserable."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1127
00:48:17,022 --> 00:48:19,399
ALEX: In a yeshiva,
when they teach you about God,
1128
00:48:19,482 --> 00:48:21,192
they teach you
that he acts through you.
1129
00:48:21,234 --> 00:48:23,528
If you are kind,
that is God showing kindness.
1130
00:48:23,611 --> 00:48:24,612
If you're empathetic,
1131
00:48:24,654 --> 00:48:26,489
that is Hashem
manifesting empathy.
1132
00:48:26,531 --> 00:48:29,284
In Hebrew, the word is "kli."
It means "vessel."
1133
00:48:29,367 --> 00:48:31,369
You are a vessel
for God's action.
1134
00:48:31,453 --> 00:48:33,747
And so he said to me,
"David, you can't judge us.
1135
00:48:33,830 --> 00:48:36,041
Only God can judge us.
Alex can't judge us.
1136
00:48:36,124 --> 00:48:38,126
Only Hashem.
Only Hashem can judge."
1137
00:48:38,209 --> 00:48:39,377
I calmed myself down,
1138
00:48:39,461 --> 00:48:41,254
and I remembered that we have
this common language
1139
00:48:41,338 --> 00:48:44,799
and lineage, and that on paper,
we're basically the same person.
1140
00:48:44,883 --> 00:48:46,468
And I explained to him
that it's possible
1141
00:48:46,551 --> 00:48:50,055
that God was judging him,
but that I was the vessel
1142
00:48:50,138 --> 00:48:51,848
through which he had chosen
to judge him.
1143
00:48:51,890 --> 00:48:54,726
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
1144
00:48:56,186 --> 00:48:58,480
And we have not been invited
back to that house.
1145
00:48:58,563 --> 00:48:59,898
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1146
00:48:59,981 --> 00:49:03,735
But it's worth asking
why this guy and his wife,
1147
00:49:03,777 --> 00:49:05,362
who I have everything
in common with,
1148
00:49:05,403 --> 00:49:08,740
that's who I go toe-to-toe with
in their own living room,
1149
00:49:08,782 --> 00:49:10,909
I show them
so little understanding.
1150
00:49:10,992 --> 00:49:13,578
In this living room in Queens,
1151
00:49:13,661 --> 00:49:16,081
where I have so little
in common with anyone,
1152
00:49:16,164 --> 00:49:20,377
I sat there listening to them
for an hour.
1153
00:49:20,418 --> 00:49:25,382
(CHUCKLES) All right.
Guys, I sat in a conversation
1154
00:49:25,423 --> 00:49:29,177
- without talking one time...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1155
00:49:29,260 --> 00:49:31,513
...for an hour, which for me...
1156
00:49:33,807 --> 00:49:35,934
unprecedented.
I couldn't even nod.
1157
00:49:35,975 --> 00:49:39,938
Everybody else was like,
"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm."
1158
00:49:39,979 --> 00:49:42,607
I had to nod at things
out of context.
1159
00:49:42,649 --> 00:49:44,776
(SCOFFS) Like at some point
someone was like,
1160
00:49:44,859 --> 00:49:49,072
"What it means to be a man
in the workplace is changing."
1161
00:49:49,114 --> 00:49:50,365
And I was like...
1162
00:49:51,032 --> 00:49:53,243
(MUMBLES) "That's absolutely--
1163
00:49:53,284 --> 00:49:54,786
Yeah, there's a reckoning
going on.
1164
00:49:54,869 --> 00:49:56,871
I agree with that.
It's way better now.
1165
00:49:56,955 --> 00:49:58,123
You can't just, like,
throw your interns
1166
00:49:58,164 --> 00:49:59,374
out the windows. Mm-hmm."
1167
00:49:59,457 --> 00:50:03,128
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING SOFTLY)
- (CHUCKLES)
1168
00:50:03,670 --> 00:50:04,713
And someone's like,
1169
00:50:04,796 --> 00:50:07,465
"Billionaires and corporations
control our elections."
1170
00:50:07,549 --> 00:50:08,967
And I was like,
1171
00:50:09,050 --> 00:50:11,219
"I'd like to see meaningful
campaign finance reform
in the United States."
1172
00:50:11,302 --> 00:50:13,096
- (MUTTERS)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1173
00:50:13,138 --> 00:50:15,682
"Such a progressive value,
isn't it? Yeah, that's good."
1174
00:50:15,765 --> 00:50:18,977
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1175
00:50:19,060 --> 00:50:21,479
And finally,
I get a chance to talk.
1176
00:50:22,647 --> 00:50:25,150
There's this guy two seats away
from Chelsea,
1177
00:50:25,233 --> 00:50:26,651
and his name is Witt.
1178
00:50:26,735 --> 00:50:29,863
And if such a thing can be said,
he's my favorite.
1179
00:50:29,946 --> 00:50:31,823
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1180
00:50:31,865 --> 00:50:33,867
You know how some people
can be in their early thirties,
1181
00:50:33,950 --> 00:50:35,368
but they have
a vibe of teenager?
1182
00:50:35,452 --> 00:50:37,871
That's Witt.
He's a little blithe and slumpy.
1183
00:50:37,954 --> 00:50:39,039
And, at some point, he's like,
1184
00:50:39,122 --> 00:50:42,000
"You know what's really hard
for us now?
1185
00:50:42,042 --> 00:50:44,085
It's really hard for us
to reach new people
1186
00:50:44,169 --> 00:50:45,253
on social media."
1187
00:50:45,337 --> 00:50:47,797
And I said,
"Do you know why that is?"
1188
00:50:47,839 --> 00:50:49,049
And Chelsea went,
1189
00:50:49,132 --> 00:50:50,550
"Alex, do you know something
about social media?"
1190
00:50:50,633 --> 00:50:51,384
And I said, "Chelsea,
1191
00:50:51,468 --> 00:50:53,178
I know a lot
about social media."
1192
00:50:53,261 --> 00:50:54,637
And I started explaining
this thing
1193
00:50:54,679 --> 00:50:57,098
called the meaningful
content algorithm.
1194
00:50:57,182 --> 00:50:59,184
This is so interesting.
All right,
1195
00:50:59,225 --> 00:51:01,144
it used to be in the early days
of social media,
1196
00:51:01,186 --> 00:51:03,313
when you logged in,
you'd see stuff chronologically.
1197
00:51:03,355 --> 00:51:05,607
Remember that? You'd see things
based on when they were posted.
1198
00:51:05,690 --> 00:51:07,776
But now when you log in,
you don't see that anymore.
1199
00:51:07,859 --> 00:51:11,863
You see what the algorithm
thinks you'll enjoy most first.
1200
00:51:11,946 --> 00:51:13,281
That's because of this thing
1201
00:51:13,365 --> 00:51:14,949
called the meaningful
content algorithm.
1202
00:51:15,033 --> 00:51:16,117
And it's Balkanized us
1203
00:51:16,201 --> 00:51:17,911
into these social media
echo chambers,
1204
00:51:17,994 --> 00:51:19,621
which has made it so hard
for new ideas,
1205
00:51:19,704 --> 00:51:21,706
or in this, like,
one specific instance,
1206
00:51:21,748 --> 00:51:24,334
the oldest ideas in the world
to reach new people.
1207
00:51:24,376 --> 00:51:26,169
And so I start explaining
the algorithm,
1208
00:51:26,211 --> 00:51:28,129
I start explaining
social media echo chambers,
1209
00:51:28,213 --> 00:51:30,048
I start explaining
Cambridge Analytica,
1210
00:51:30,090 --> 00:51:31,383
the company that's, like,
best at this,
1211
00:51:31,424 --> 00:51:33,343
and everybody's listening to me.
1212
00:51:33,385 --> 00:51:35,220
And, at some point,
I looked around the circle,
1213
00:51:35,261 --> 00:51:37,055
and people have got
their arms crossed,
1214
00:51:37,097 --> 00:51:38,598
and they're nodding
at each other,
1215
00:51:38,682 --> 00:51:39,849
and they're nodding at me.
1216
00:51:39,891 --> 00:51:42,352
And I thought to myself
all at once,
1217
00:51:42,394 --> 00:51:45,021
"Oh, I'm positively contributing
1218
00:51:45,063 --> 00:51:47,565
to this meeting
of White nationalists."
1219
00:51:47,649 --> 00:51:49,734
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1220
00:51:49,776 --> 00:51:52,237
I came as an observer.
I'm gonna leave as, like,
1221
00:51:52,278 --> 00:51:54,239
the "youth outreach officer"
or something.
1222
00:51:54,280 --> 00:51:57,909
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1223
00:52:01,287 --> 00:52:03,915
But there was a moment...
1224
00:52:03,957 --> 00:52:07,585
where I actually started to feel
very badly for these people.
1225
00:52:08,211 --> 00:52:09,796
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
1226
00:52:09,879 --> 00:52:11,589
I don't want to be gratuitous,
1227
00:52:12,465 --> 00:52:15,093
but these
are not life's winners.
1228
00:52:15,135 --> 00:52:17,220
Hashem has not given
with both hands
1229
00:52:17,262 --> 00:52:19,931
- to anyone in this room.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1230
00:52:19,973 --> 00:52:23,143
They are not the brightest.
They are not the wealthiest.
1231
00:52:23,226 --> 00:52:27,397
They are very badly informed.
And most importantly...
1232
00:52:27,439 --> 00:52:31,651
(CHUCKLES) ...these guys
are racists in New York City!
1233
00:52:31,735 --> 00:52:33,778
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1234
00:52:33,862 --> 00:52:38,408
They're racists in Queens,
the most diverse borough
1235
00:52:38,450 --> 00:52:40,785
and the most--
Guys, it's Queens.
1236
00:52:40,869 --> 00:52:44,497
In Queens, you can't even
get 17 Nazis together
1237
00:52:44,581 --> 00:52:46,332
without a Jew being sat
right there
1238
00:52:46,416 --> 00:52:47,459
in the middle of you.
1239
00:52:47,542 --> 00:52:53,298
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1240
00:52:53,340 --> 00:52:55,925
This isn't Arkan-ssippi.
Are you kidding me?
1241
00:52:57,635 --> 00:52:59,679
We're two blocks away
from Little Ethiopia.
1242
00:52:59,763 --> 00:53:01,973
Things are going not well
for these people.
1243
00:53:02,015 --> 00:53:05,268
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1244
00:53:06,144 --> 00:53:08,313
And at some point,
I had a thought,
1245
00:53:08,396 --> 00:53:10,523
which was so, like...
1246
00:53:10,607 --> 00:53:13,026
I had a thought
that was so self-aggrandizing,
1247
00:53:13,109 --> 00:53:15,862
it took me two years
to tell anyone about it.
1248
00:53:17,489 --> 00:53:19,866
But at some point,
I looked around the circle,
1249
00:53:19,949 --> 00:53:22,744
and I thought to myself, "Wow."
1250
00:53:26,831 --> 00:53:28,249
"Look at me empathizing."
1251
00:53:28,333 --> 00:53:32,045
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1252
00:53:32,128 --> 00:53:34,255
"Look at me feeling bad
for these people
1253
00:53:34,339 --> 00:53:38,093
when they're so horrible,
but I'm such a good boy."
1254
00:53:38,176 --> 00:53:39,761
(CHUCKLES) "Am I the hero
that we need
1255
00:53:39,844 --> 00:53:41,846
in these difficult
and divided times?"
1256
00:53:41,888 --> 00:53:44,224
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1257
00:53:44,307 --> 00:53:47,602
And then I thought,
"Do I have a duty as a Jew...
1258
00:53:49,145 --> 00:53:50,188
to hear these people,
1259
00:53:50,271 --> 00:53:51,773
'cause there's actually
something to that?"
1260
00:53:51,856 --> 00:53:53,858
If you raise
Jewish children correctly,
1261
00:53:53,942 --> 00:53:55,485
empathy is the default.
1262
00:53:55,527 --> 00:53:58,863
Empathy is the true north
for every Jewish value.
1263
00:53:58,905 --> 00:54:01,491
And all of the best
Jewish moments of my life
1264
00:54:01,533 --> 00:54:03,493
are moments where those values
showed up in places
1265
00:54:03,535 --> 00:54:05,286
you would never look for them.
1266
00:54:05,370 --> 00:54:08,415
Like, once when I was a kid,
my family had Christmas.
1267
00:54:08,498 --> 00:54:10,041
This is totally true.
1268
00:54:10,083 --> 00:54:11,710
My mom had this friend
named Kate.
1269
00:54:11,751 --> 00:54:13,628
And over the course
of a calendar year,
1270
00:54:13,712 --> 00:54:16,381
Kate lost her last parent
and her last sibling.
1271
00:54:16,423 --> 00:54:19,551
She had nowhere to go
for the holiday. My mom said,
1272
00:54:19,634 --> 00:54:21,386
"Kate, why don't you come
to our house?
1273
00:54:21,469 --> 00:54:22,554
We'll do Christmas."
1274
00:54:22,637 --> 00:54:25,015
That's the kind of person
my mom is.
1275
00:54:25,056 --> 00:54:27,600
- My father...
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
1276
00:54:27,684 --> 00:54:29,811
- ...did not want that.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1277
00:54:29,894 --> 00:54:32,939
Mom is a Jew from Cincinnati.
She's a Midwestern Jew.
1278
00:54:33,023 --> 00:54:36,234
- It's a slightly
gentler existence.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1279
00:54:36,317 --> 00:54:38,403
My father grew up Jewish
in Boston like me,
1280
00:54:38,486 --> 00:54:40,196
but in a time
when it was so hard
1281
00:54:40,238 --> 00:54:41,239
to be Jewish there,
1282
00:54:41,281 --> 00:54:44,075
which is
between the years 1500 and 1991.
1283
00:54:44,117 --> 00:54:49,247
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1284
00:54:49,330 --> 00:54:51,791
And he said, "Cheryl,
I will not have Christmas
1285
00:54:51,875 --> 00:54:54,127
in a Jewish home."
And my mom was like,
1286
00:54:54,210 --> 00:54:55,962
"Elazar,
we're having Christmas."
1287
00:54:56,046 --> 00:54:57,922
And he's like,
"Over my dead body
1288
00:54:57,964 --> 00:54:59,257
are we having Christmas."
1289
00:54:59,299 --> 00:55:01,718
So they compromised
and we had Christmas.
1290
00:55:01,760 --> 00:55:03,928
- So...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1291
00:55:04,012 --> 00:55:06,931
Yeah, obviously. Obviously
1292
00:55:08,558 --> 00:55:10,435
AJ and I come
downstairs one day.
1293
00:55:10,518 --> 00:55:12,645
My parents are sitting
in the living room.
1294
00:55:12,729 --> 00:55:15,357
I don't know if any of you
grew up in a home like this.
1295
00:55:15,440 --> 00:55:17,776
We were never allowed
in our living room.
1296
00:55:17,817 --> 00:55:21,112
Never. The living room
is for guests and tragedies.
1297
00:55:21,154 --> 00:55:22,781
Those are the only times.
1298
00:55:22,864 --> 00:55:25,700
And every piece of furniture
is covered in plastic,
1299
00:55:25,784 --> 00:55:28,787
in case the real owners
of the house show up one day.
1300
00:55:31,956 --> 00:55:33,792
We come downstairs, no guests.
1301
00:55:33,875 --> 00:55:35,335
AJ and I look
at each other like,
1302
00:55:35,418 --> 00:55:37,337
"Oh, no. Bubbe died again,"
1303
00:55:37,420 --> 00:55:40,882
- and we sit down...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1304
00:55:40,965 --> 00:55:44,969
...on the couch.
And my mom just said, "Boys...
1305
00:55:46,971 --> 00:55:47,972
this year...
1306
00:55:49,849 --> 00:55:51,559
we're having Christmas."
1307
00:55:52,644 --> 00:55:55,397
And AJ and I
were so young and insulated.
1308
00:55:55,480 --> 00:55:57,440
We looked at each other
1309
00:55:57,482 --> 00:56:00,527
and we looked at my dad
and I just went, "Okay.
1310
00:56:02,487 --> 00:56:04,239
What's Christmas?"
1311
00:56:04,322 --> 00:56:07,409
And my father said,
"It's like Hanukkah."
1312
00:56:07,492 --> 00:56:10,286
And my mom undermined him
immediately and went,
1313
00:56:10,328 --> 00:56:12,872
"Yeah, but maybe even
a little bit more fun."
1314
00:56:12,956 --> 00:56:17,168
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1315
00:56:17,210 --> 00:56:19,671
Hanukkah sucks, by the way.
1316
00:56:19,713 --> 00:56:21,965
Hanukkah-- I appreciate
the politically correct world
1317
00:56:22,007 --> 00:56:24,009
that everybody lives in
where we all pretend
1318
00:56:24,092 --> 00:56:26,845
that all the holidays are equal.
They are not equal.
1319
00:56:26,928 --> 00:56:29,806
Every-- Hanukkah's very much
the Diet Coke
1320
00:56:29,848 --> 00:56:33,435
to Christmas' black tar heroin.
There is no comparison.
1321
00:56:33,518 --> 00:56:35,186
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1322
00:56:35,270 --> 00:56:38,189
No-- Go into a supermarket
come December.
1323
00:56:38,273 --> 00:56:39,566
Christmas is everywhere.
1324
00:56:39,649 --> 00:56:42,569
Hanukkah's one little nub
at the end of the shampoo aisle,
1325
00:56:42,652 --> 00:56:45,238
there's Passover matzah in there
for some reason.
1326
00:56:45,321 --> 00:56:48,742
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1327
00:56:48,825 --> 00:56:51,119
And non-Jews are gorgeous
'cause they're always like,
1328
00:56:51,202 --> 00:56:54,039
"Well, you're so lucky.
You get eight days of gifts."
1329
00:56:54,122 --> 00:56:57,500
I have never met a single Jew
1330
00:56:57,542 --> 00:57:00,253
who got eight days
of decent gifts.
1331
00:57:00,337 --> 00:57:01,588
Here's how it works.
1332
00:57:01,671 --> 00:57:04,049
You get one gift
over the course of the--
1333
00:57:04,090 --> 00:57:05,008
Like if you're getting a bike,
1334
00:57:05,050 --> 00:57:06,843
you get, like,
a pedal on the first day,
1335
00:57:06,885 --> 00:57:08,845
handlebars on the second,
then the wheel.
1336
00:57:08,887 --> 00:57:13,975
- It is absolute bullshit.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1337
00:57:16,061 --> 00:57:17,771
Anyway, we do Christmas
1338
00:57:17,854 --> 00:57:20,982
and oh, my God,
do we do Christmas.
1339
00:57:21,066 --> 00:57:23,735
We do the lights.
We do the Christmas dinner.
1340
00:57:23,777 --> 00:57:27,739
My... My mom put up stockings
above the fireplace
1341
00:57:27,781 --> 00:57:30,241
with our names on them
in Hebrew and we...
1342
00:57:30,325 --> 00:57:33,078
- (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1343
00:57:33,161 --> 00:57:37,248
...we went whole hog.
No hog. Kosher, Christmas.
1344
00:57:37,290 --> 00:57:40,585
But we decked these halls. Deck!
1345
00:57:40,627 --> 00:57:44,255
And Kate comes into our house.
And Kate...
1346
00:57:44,297 --> 00:57:46,800
(SMACKS LIPS) ...White.
1347
00:57:47,801 --> 00:57:52,263
Princess Diana haircut,
chunky gold earrings,
1348
00:57:52,347 --> 00:57:55,850
Hermès scarf,
shocking blue pantsuit.
1349
00:57:55,934 --> 00:57:56,851
White.
1350
00:57:56,935 --> 00:57:59,104
But she walks into our house
like a little kid.
1351
00:57:59,187 --> 00:58:00,230
Just like...
1352
00:58:05,026 --> 00:58:09,155
And she starts
to cry immediately.
1353
00:58:10,281 --> 00:58:11,366
And my mom said,
1354
00:58:11,408 --> 00:58:14,786
"Boys, whatever she wants to do,
we're gonna do."
1355
00:58:14,869 --> 00:58:17,372
And we did all
this deep cuts Christmas stuff.
1356
00:58:17,455 --> 00:58:19,666
We strung popcorn together
on a string.
1357
00:58:19,749 --> 00:58:22,627
We ate our way through an entire
chocolate Advent calendar
1358
00:58:22,669 --> 00:58:26,131
- in, like, 25 minutes.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1359
00:58:26,214 --> 00:58:27,924
And we watched Christmas movies.
1360
00:58:27,966 --> 00:58:30,552
Please try to imagine
being a young Jew
1361
00:58:30,635 --> 00:58:32,470
and you've never heard
of Christmas,
1362
00:58:32,512 --> 00:58:33,847
and then on the day
you find out about it,
1363
00:58:33,930 --> 00:58:36,641
you watch, like,
seven Christmas movies in a row.
1364
00:58:36,725 --> 00:58:37,809
AJ and I are like,
1365
00:58:37,851 --> 00:58:40,520
"Oh, so this holiday's
a huge deal, huh?"
1366
00:58:40,603 --> 00:58:43,815
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1367
00:58:44,566 --> 00:58:45,817
And the one that sticks out
1368
00:58:45,859 --> 00:58:47,986
is the Peanuts
Christmas special.
1369
00:58:49,154 --> 00:58:52,490
Snoopy, Charlie Brown,
best thing we've ever seen.
1370
00:58:52,574 --> 00:58:55,076
AJ and I are like vibrating
an inch from the TV.
1371
00:58:55,160 --> 00:58:57,746
AJ's like, "The meaning
of Christmas, Snoopy."
1372
00:58:57,829 --> 00:59:00,832
And I'm like, "The spirit
of Christmas, Charlie Brown."
1373
00:59:00,874 --> 00:59:03,543
My dad's in the corner,
like, praying for lightning.
1374
00:59:03,626 --> 00:59:07,172
- Like... (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1375
00:59:07,255 --> 00:59:08,340
And at some point,
1376
00:59:08,423 --> 00:59:09,841
a character on the screen
just went,
1377
00:59:09,883 --> 00:59:13,178
"Linus, we need
to put out cookies
1378
00:59:13,219 --> 00:59:15,347
for Santa Claus, don't we?"
1379
00:59:16,473 --> 00:59:18,266
And AJ and I look at each other.
1380
00:59:21,019 --> 00:59:24,898
And we look at my dad,
and I just went, "Abba...
1381
00:59:26,733 --> 00:59:31,237
- who's Santa Claus?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1382
00:59:32,113 --> 00:59:35,575
And my father says
this didn't happen.
1383
00:59:36,826 --> 00:59:39,412
And it is
the single clearest memory
1384
00:59:39,496 --> 00:59:43,500
- from my childhood.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1385
00:59:43,541 --> 00:59:46,086
My father rarely cursed
in front of us
1386
00:59:46,169 --> 00:59:48,213
and maybe he thought
we couldn't hear him,
1387
00:59:48,254 --> 00:59:52,217
but he looked at my mom
and he just went, "Cheryl...
1388
00:59:53,843 --> 00:59:59,307
- Jesus fucking Christ."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1389
01:00:01,643 --> 01:00:05,188
And my mom said, "Elazar."
And he said, "Come on."
1390
01:00:05,230 --> 01:00:07,065
And she went, "Just do it."
1391
01:00:07,107 --> 01:00:11,736
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1392
01:00:12,821 --> 01:00:14,739
This is a direct quote.
1393
01:00:15,615 --> 01:00:17,409
This is a direct quote from,
like...
1394
01:00:17,492 --> 01:00:18,743
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1395
01:00:18,827 --> 01:00:20,078
...twenty-five years ago.
1396
01:00:20,120 --> 01:00:23,206
My father walked up to us
and he said...
1397
01:00:25,542 --> 01:00:27,252
"Santa Claus, boys...
1398
01:00:30,046 --> 01:00:31,089
he is a fat man."
1399
01:00:31,172 --> 01:00:34,259
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1400
01:00:35,885 --> 01:00:37,053
"But it's a good fat."
1401
01:00:37,095 --> 01:00:41,266
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-"But it's a good--"
1402
01:00:41,307 --> 01:00:43,768
You know, like,
Santa's an avocado or something.
1403
01:00:43,810 --> 01:00:48,440
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1404
01:00:48,481 --> 01:00:49,524
"But it's a good fat.
1405
01:00:49,607 --> 01:00:53,278
And he comes down
non-Jewish chimneys
1406
01:00:53,361 --> 01:00:54,529
in the middle of the night
1407
01:00:54,612 --> 01:00:56,197
and he gives gifts
to young Christians."
1408
01:00:56,281 --> 01:00:57,449
And AJ and I are like...
1409
01:00:57,532 --> 01:00:59,826
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1410
01:00:59,909 --> 01:01:01,911
And AJ just said,
"And he's coming here?"
1411
01:01:01,953 --> 01:01:04,831
My father's like, "Sure.
I guess he's coming here."
1412
01:01:04,914 --> 01:01:08,752
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1413
01:01:08,793 --> 01:01:10,754
We put out cookies
for Santa Claus.
1414
01:01:10,795 --> 01:01:12,964
We're very skeptical, obviously.
1415
01:01:13,006 --> 01:01:15,175
We go upstairs. We go to bed.
1416
01:01:15,258 --> 01:01:17,302
We come downstairs
the next morning.
1417
01:01:17,385 --> 01:01:19,763
The cookies are gone.
1418
01:01:20,847 --> 01:01:22,891
Guys, they're gone.
1419
01:01:22,974 --> 01:01:24,517
And AJ and I see that
1420
01:01:24,601 --> 01:01:26,561
and we lose consciousness
immediately.
1421
01:01:26,644 --> 01:01:29,689
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1422
01:01:29,773 --> 01:01:32,108
We, like, black out,
and I know it's happened,
1423
01:01:32,150 --> 01:01:34,569
'cause there's home video,
and on the home video,
1424
01:01:34,652 --> 01:01:35,737
we're going crazy.
1425
01:01:35,820 --> 01:01:38,239
We're like,
"Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
1426
01:01:38,323 --> 01:01:39,908
He was here! He was here!
1427
01:01:39,991 --> 01:01:42,369
Eema, he was here!
Dad, he was here!"
1428
01:01:42,452 --> 01:01:43,370
And, at some point,
1429
01:01:43,453 --> 01:01:45,955
AJ's standing on the couch
and he looked at me
1430
01:01:45,997 --> 01:01:51,419
and he just went, "Santa came!"
And I went, "Baruch Hashem!"
1431
01:01:51,503 --> 01:01:55,799
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1432
01:02:05,725 --> 01:02:08,019
(CHUCKLES) And we ran out
to the garage.
1433
01:02:08,103 --> 01:02:10,772
Why? Because
this is the one concession
1434
01:02:10,855 --> 01:02:12,190
my father got from my mom.
1435
01:02:12,273 --> 01:02:15,485
He's like, "Cheryl,
I will not have a Christmas tree
1436
01:02:15,527 --> 01:02:16,861
in a Jewish home."
1437
01:02:16,945 --> 01:02:19,572
And my mother was like,
"I can respect that, Elazar.
1438
01:02:19,656 --> 01:02:21,282
We'll put it in the garage."
1439
01:02:21,366 --> 01:02:23,535
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1440
01:02:23,618 --> 01:02:25,620
And there are two photos
of this.
1441
01:02:25,704 --> 01:02:27,038
Weird photos.
1442
01:02:27,080 --> 01:02:29,624
We're wearing pajamas
'cause we're children,
1443
01:02:29,708 --> 01:02:30,875
but we're wearing jackets
1444
01:02:30,959 --> 01:02:34,337
'cause we're in a Boston garage
in December,
1445
01:02:34,379 --> 01:02:36,881
and we're wearing yarmulkes
'cause we're Jews.
1446
01:02:36,965 --> 01:02:37,924
But we're standing in front
1447
01:02:38,008 --> 01:02:40,385
of a fully-decorated
Christmas tree
1448
01:02:40,427 --> 01:02:41,511
with a teddy bear
1449
01:02:41,553 --> 01:02:44,055
wearing his own yarmulke
on top of it.
1450
01:02:44,097 --> 01:02:47,142
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1451
01:02:47,225 --> 01:02:50,020
ALEX: And we've got
headphones on. Why?
1452
01:02:50,061 --> 01:02:52,731
Because this is
how long ago it was.
1453
01:02:52,772 --> 01:02:55,942
We got cassette tape Walkmen.
1454
01:02:56,026 --> 01:02:58,653
Remember the square dealies?
We were thrilled.
1455
01:02:58,737 --> 01:03:00,321
That was Santa's gift.
1456
01:03:01,698 --> 01:03:03,575
Kate had gotten us her own gift.
1457
01:03:03,658 --> 01:03:05,827
(CHUCKLES) Kate had pulled
my parents aside
1458
01:03:05,910 --> 01:03:07,287
the night before
and she was like,
1459
01:03:07,370 --> 01:03:08,788
"Don't worry, Cheryl."
1460
01:03:11,833 --> 01:03:13,293
"Don't worry, Elaser."
1461
01:03:13,376 --> 01:03:18,631
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1462
01:03:18,715 --> 01:03:20,967
"I got your boys Jewish gifts."
1463
01:03:21,051 --> 01:03:22,761
My father was like, "Oh!"
1464
01:03:22,802 --> 01:03:24,721
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1465
01:03:24,763 --> 01:03:28,933
"Okay, um, Kate,
when you say Jewish gifts,
1466
01:03:28,975 --> 01:03:30,769
what do you mean?"
And Kate's like,
1467
01:03:30,810 --> 01:03:33,229
"I got them gifts
from the Torah."
1468
01:03:33,271 --> 01:03:35,273
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1469
01:03:35,315 --> 01:03:38,276
(CHUCKLES) This was Kate's gift
from the Torah.
1470
01:03:38,318 --> 01:03:40,487
To put in
our cassette tape Walkmen,
1471
01:03:40,570 --> 01:03:42,655
Kate got us, on cassette,
1472
01:03:42,739 --> 01:03:45,492
the cast recording
of Andrew Lloyd-Webber's
1473
01:03:45,575 --> 01:03:48,578
Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat...
1474
01:03:48,620 --> 01:03:50,955
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
1475
01:03:51,039 --> 01:03:53,917
...where the role of Joseph
was sung by-- Anybody know?
1476
01:03:53,958 --> 01:03:56,419
- AUDIENCE: Donny Osmond.
- Donny Osmond, thank you.
1477
01:03:56,461 --> 01:03:59,464
Donny Osmond.
Two photos. Weird photos.
1478
01:03:59,506 --> 01:04:03,134
Pajamas, jackets, yarmulkes,
Christmas, teddy bear,
1479
01:04:03,218 --> 01:04:05,845
yarmulke, headphones,
and on the headphones,
1480
01:04:05,929 --> 01:04:08,223
an Old Testament story
from the Torah
1481
01:04:08,306 --> 01:04:11,351
adapted into a musical
by a British aristocrat
1482
01:04:11,434 --> 01:04:13,978
where the lead role,
sung by a Mormon.
1483
01:04:14,062 --> 01:04:17,982
- It's very interfaith.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1484
01:04:18,066 --> 01:04:21,027
And we go to school that day
because yeshiva,
1485
01:04:21,111 --> 01:04:24,322
Hebrew day school,
not canceled for Christmas.
1486
01:04:24,406 --> 01:04:27,659
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1487
01:04:27,742 --> 01:04:31,663
And we come home that night
and my father gets a phone call.
1488
01:04:31,705 --> 01:04:33,665
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1489
01:04:33,748 --> 01:04:35,291
It's exactly what you think.
1490
01:04:35,333 --> 01:04:37,127
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1491
01:04:37,168 --> 01:04:39,337
And the first thing
the principal says to him is,
1492
01:04:39,379 --> 01:04:43,049
"Professor Edelman,
your sons have a lying problem."
1493
01:04:43,133 --> 01:04:44,843
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1494
01:04:44,926 --> 01:04:46,678
My father said,
"What did they do?"
1495
01:04:46,761 --> 01:04:48,513
And the principal said, "Well,
1496
01:04:48,555 --> 01:04:50,890
the teacher tried to explain
to the children
1497
01:04:50,974 --> 01:04:53,351
the very delicate topic
of Christmas
1498
01:04:53,435 --> 01:04:57,897
and Alex raised his hand
and just went... (SNIFFS)
1499
01:04:57,981 --> 01:05:01,526
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1500
01:05:01,568 --> 01:05:04,612
- 'We had Christmas.'"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1501
01:05:04,696 --> 01:05:06,489
And the teacher's like,
"You didn't have Christmas."
1502
01:05:06,531 --> 01:05:09,451
And I was like, "Hmm,
pretty sure we had Christmas."
1503
01:05:09,534 --> 01:05:11,786
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1504
01:05:11,870 --> 01:05:14,372
"Lights, stockings,
Snoopy, Charlie Brown,
1505
01:05:14,456 --> 01:05:16,499
meaning of Christmas,
spirit of Christmas.
1506
01:05:16,541 --> 01:05:17,667
Pretty sure we had Christmas."
1507
01:05:17,709 --> 01:05:19,336
And the teacher's like,
"You didn't have Christmas.
1508
01:05:19,377 --> 01:05:21,379
You had Hanukkah
three weeks ago,
or four months from now,
1509
01:05:21,421 --> 01:05:22,839
depending
on the Jewish calendar year."
1510
01:05:22,881 --> 01:05:25,091
- Anyway...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1511
01:05:25,175 --> 01:05:27,719
...non-Jews believe
in this guy called Santa Claus.
1512
01:05:27,761 --> 01:05:29,346
And in my mind's eye,
1513
01:05:29,387 --> 01:05:33,058
I see AJ raising his hand
and saying,
1514
01:05:33,141 --> 01:05:37,228
"We had Santa Claus."
And I'm wrong.
1515
01:05:37,312 --> 01:05:40,065
The teacher came to the show.
I'm wrong about two things.
1516
01:05:40,148 --> 01:05:43,401
First of all, apparently,
AJ didn't raise his hand.
1517
01:05:43,485 --> 01:05:46,071
Apparently,
AJ lifted two fingers,
1518
01:05:46,112 --> 01:05:47,489
in the words of the teacher,
1519
01:05:47,572 --> 01:05:50,492
like he was
"ordering his second martini".
1520
01:05:50,575 --> 01:05:54,245
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1521
01:06:00,585 --> 01:06:03,755
And AJ didn't say,
"We had Santa Claus."
1522
01:06:03,838 --> 01:06:06,132
Apparently, AJ just went...
(SNIFFS)
1523
01:06:07,801 --> 01:06:09,594
"We know Santa Claus."
1524
01:06:09,678 --> 01:06:13,306
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1525
01:06:13,390 --> 01:06:15,225
And the teacher's like,
"You don't know Santa Claus."
1526
01:06:15,266 --> 01:06:17,686
And AJ's like, "Hmm.
But we do know Santa Claus."
1527
01:06:17,769 --> 01:06:19,688
And the other kids are like,
"Who's Santa Claus?"
1528
01:06:19,771 --> 01:06:21,898
And AJ's like,
"Oh! He's amazing.
1529
01:06:21,940 --> 01:06:24,818
He's a fat man,
but it's a good kind of fat.
1530
01:06:24,901 --> 01:06:27,028
And he comes down
non-Jewish chimneys
1531
01:06:27,112 --> 01:06:28,238
in middle of the night,
1532
01:06:28,279 --> 01:06:29,989
and he gives gifts
to young Christians.
1533
01:06:30,073 --> 01:06:32,075
But... (CHUCKLES)
But, last night,
1534
01:06:32,117 --> 01:06:35,120
because he's friends
with our dad...
1535
01:06:35,161 --> 01:06:40,709
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1536
01:06:42,502 --> 01:06:43,420
...he came to our house
1537
01:06:43,461 --> 01:06:45,296
and he left this Walkman
underneath the tree
1538
01:06:45,380 --> 01:06:46,881
that my parents put
in the garage,
1539
01:06:46,965 --> 01:06:48,633
and he ate all of the cookies."
1540
01:06:48,717 --> 01:06:49,467
And the principal said,
1541
01:06:49,551 --> 01:06:52,053
"Professor Edelman,
is this true?"
1542
01:06:52,137 --> 01:06:56,266
And, apparently,
my father just went, "No."
1543
01:06:56,307 --> 01:07:02,355
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1544
01:07:04,733 --> 01:07:07,402
-"It... It's not entirely true."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1545
01:07:08,028 --> 01:07:09,237
And Rabbi Falk said,
1546
01:07:09,320 --> 01:07:11,322
"What do you mean
it's not entirely true?"
1547
01:07:11,364 --> 01:07:15,160
Then my father said,
"Cheryl and I ate the cookies."
1548
01:07:15,243 --> 01:07:21,750
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1549
01:07:23,335 --> 01:07:25,670
"Santa Claus didn't come
to our house."
1550
01:07:25,712 --> 01:07:26,629
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1551
01:07:26,671 --> 01:07:29,841
And my mom says
there was a significant pause
1552
01:07:29,883 --> 01:07:32,719
on the other end of the phone,
and then the principal said,
1553
01:07:32,802 --> 01:07:35,805
"I'm aware Santa Claus
didn't come to your house."
1554
01:07:35,847 --> 01:07:41,519
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1555
01:07:44,606 --> 01:07:45,857
"You had Christmas?"
1556
01:07:47,942 --> 01:07:50,278
And my father explained.
1557
01:07:50,362 --> 01:07:53,531
My father explained
that this woman was bereft.
1558
01:07:53,615 --> 01:07:55,450
She had nowhere to go.
1559
01:07:55,533 --> 01:07:57,118
And he had reservations
about it,
1560
01:07:57,202 --> 01:07:58,536
but he let it happen
1561
01:07:58,620 --> 01:08:01,122
because he thought it was such
a valuable, teachable moment,
1562
01:08:01,206 --> 01:08:02,665
right, where he could show
his children
1563
01:08:02,707 --> 01:08:05,585
that doing the thing centered
in Jewish values,
1564
01:08:05,669 --> 01:08:09,172
the good deed,
may not always appear...
1565
01:08:10,340 --> 01:08:13,218
- conventionally Jewish.
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
1566
01:08:13,301 --> 01:08:14,886
Principal says,
"Professor Edelman,
1567
01:08:14,928 --> 01:08:18,264
I understand where you're
coming from but you're wrong,
1568
01:08:18,932 --> 01:08:20,558
'cause what you've actually done
1569
01:08:20,600 --> 01:08:22,268
is you've introduced
this holiday,
1570
01:08:22,352 --> 01:08:25,397
that is foreign and corrosive,
into your home
1571
01:08:25,480 --> 01:08:28,149
and you've clearly confused
your children
1572
01:08:28,233 --> 01:08:30,902
and perhaps
harmed them permanently...
1573
01:08:30,985 --> 01:08:32,028
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
1574
01:08:32,070 --> 01:08:33,154
...when you've given them
this holiday.
1575
01:08:33,238 --> 01:08:34,406
Next year,
are you gonna take it away?
1576
01:08:34,447 --> 01:08:36,700
Will you keep celebrating?
What are you gonna do?
1577
01:08:36,741 --> 01:08:37,951
And more than anything else,
1578
01:08:38,034 --> 01:08:39,994
this isn't a good deed.
It's idol worship.
1579
01:08:40,036 --> 01:08:43,164
It's the most serious sin
a Jew can commit.
1580
01:08:43,248 --> 01:08:46,710
And you and your wife need
to begin atoning for it
1581
01:08:46,751 --> 01:08:48,712
right now."
1582
01:08:50,422 --> 01:08:53,842
And my father,
to his credit, said,
1583
01:08:53,925 --> 01:08:55,218
"Well, clearly, Rabbi,
1584
01:08:55,260 --> 01:08:57,429
you don't understand
the meaning of Christmas,"
1585
01:08:57,512 --> 01:08:59,097
and then he hung up the phone.
1586
01:08:59,180 --> 01:09:03,685
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
1587
01:09:07,272 --> 01:09:09,524
(CHUCKLES) And, look,
I love that story.
1588
01:09:09,607 --> 01:09:11,776
I think it reflects so well
on my parents,
1589
01:09:11,860 --> 01:09:13,153
but there's such a good question
1590
01:09:13,236 --> 01:09:15,572
at the center of it,
very Jewish one, actually,
1591
01:09:15,613 --> 01:09:19,159
which is, like,
to what do our empathies extend?
1592
01:09:19,242 --> 01:09:21,619
Is it unconditional?
Does it matter who they are?
1593
01:09:21,661 --> 01:09:23,204
Does it matter
how they feel about us?
1594
01:09:23,288 --> 01:09:25,081
Does it matter
why we're empath--
1595
01:09:25,123 --> 01:09:27,250
Does it matter
why we're empathizing?
1596
01:09:27,292 --> 01:09:30,295
'Cause, for a while,
I was empathizing.
1597
01:09:30,337 --> 01:09:32,630
In this room,
these people feel powerless,
1598
01:09:32,672 --> 01:09:33,923
they feel voiceless,
1599
01:09:33,965 --> 01:09:37,302
even if they
are 1,000 percent wrong!
1600
01:09:37,385 --> 01:09:38,511
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1601
01:09:38,595 --> 01:09:40,597
Those are universal struggles.
1602
01:09:40,638 --> 01:09:42,640
It's hard
to hate people up close.
1603
01:09:42,724 --> 01:09:44,267
But once I realized
I was empathizing,
1604
01:09:44,309 --> 01:09:45,310
I was like, "Look at me."
1605
01:09:45,352 --> 01:09:46,978
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1606
01:09:47,020 --> 01:09:48,730
By the way,
not just empathizing.
1607
01:09:48,813 --> 01:09:51,149
- Connecting. (CHUCKLES)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1608
01:09:51,191 --> 01:09:52,525
Once I started talking,
1609
01:09:52,609 --> 01:09:55,695
I was in the flow
of conversation so effortlessly,
1610
01:09:55,779 --> 01:09:56,905
I thought to myself,
1611
01:09:56,988 --> 01:09:59,699
"I'm gonna be a grand wizard
in like two weeks at this rate."
1612
01:09:59,783 --> 01:10:01,659
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1613
01:10:01,701 --> 01:10:04,204
I'm getting my hood tonight.
Like, it's happening.
1614
01:10:04,287 --> 01:10:05,455
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1615
01:10:05,497 --> 01:10:07,832
I keep making eye contact
with Chelsea.
1616
01:10:07,916 --> 01:10:09,000
That's going amazing.
1617
01:10:09,084 --> 01:10:11,795
But like-- But now my fantasy's
not just Chelsea anymore.
1618
01:10:11,836 --> 01:10:14,005
Now, it sort of flowered out
to the rest of the room.
1619
01:10:14,089 --> 01:10:15,548
Like, obviously,
everybody here's
1620
01:10:15,632 --> 01:10:16,841
gonna be a table at the wedding,
1621
01:10:16,883 --> 01:10:18,468
- but like besides that, I'm--
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1622
01:10:18,510 --> 01:10:21,805
No. I'm gonna fix these people.
1623
01:10:21,846 --> 01:10:23,848
Guys, me. I'm gonna fix them.
1624
01:10:23,890 --> 01:10:26,810
By the time this meeting
starts to wind down,
1625
01:10:26,851 --> 01:10:29,896
my "good guy" fantasies
are like a runaway train.
1626
01:10:29,979 --> 01:10:31,272
I have spoken
1627
01:10:31,356 --> 01:10:33,942
more than two-thirds
of the people in this room.
1628
01:10:34,025 --> 01:10:36,027
I am in. They like me.
1629
01:10:36,111 --> 01:10:39,197
And there's this guy sitting
almost directly across from me,
1630
01:10:39,239 --> 01:10:40,365
right where the circle gaps,
1631
01:10:40,448 --> 01:10:42,325
and he's sort of running
the meeting.
1632
01:10:42,367 --> 01:10:43,493
And, at some point, he was like,
1633
01:10:43,535 --> 01:10:45,537
"All right, guys.
We're gonna take a break.
1634
01:10:45,620 --> 01:10:47,539
Anyone who wants to get
a pastry, can get a pastry.
1635
01:10:47,580 --> 01:10:49,541
When we come back,
we'll talk next steps."
1636
01:10:49,582 --> 01:10:52,293
And I'm nodding at this point.
I'm like,
1637
01:10:52,377 --> 01:10:55,338
-"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Next steps."
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
1638
01:10:55,380 --> 01:10:59,718
And Cortez, whose eyes
have very rarely left my area,
1639
01:10:59,801 --> 01:11:02,887
just went, "Hold on one--
Brian, excuse me.
1640
01:11:02,971 --> 01:11:04,014
Hold on one second."
1641
01:11:05,807 --> 01:11:09,019
And he said, "Alex?"
And I said, "Mm-hmm."
1642
01:11:10,145 --> 01:11:11,771
And he said,
"Where are you from?"
1643
01:11:12,772 --> 01:11:13,898
And I said...
1644
01:11:15,734 --> 01:11:16,901
"I'm from Boston."
1645
01:11:17,444 --> 01:11:18,611
And he said, "Cool.
1646
01:11:18,695 --> 01:11:20,447
How long have you lived
in New York City?"
1647
01:11:20,530 --> 01:11:22,699
And I said, "Oh, I've been here
about nine years."
1648
01:11:22,741 --> 01:11:23,658
And he went, "Great.
1649
01:11:23,742 --> 01:11:25,869
What's the ethnic origin
of your grandparents?"
1650
01:11:25,910 --> 01:11:27,871
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING SOFTLY)
1651
01:11:27,912 --> 01:11:29,247
And there was a little voice
1652
01:11:29,289 --> 01:11:31,249
in the back of my head
that just went,
1653
01:11:31,291 --> 01:11:32,959
"Wow, that third question
was so different
1654
01:11:33,043 --> 01:11:37,714
- from the first two questions."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1655
01:11:39,424 --> 01:11:41,051
And I was like,
"Well, my father's family
1656
01:11:41,092 --> 01:11:42,427
is from Poland
1657
01:11:43,094 --> 01:11:44,763
but my mother's family...
1658
01:11:47,724 --> 01:11:49,934
is also from Poland, actually."
1659
01:11:50,018 --> 01:11:53,521
And the guy starts peppering me
with questions, one after the--
1660
01:11:53,605 --> 01:11:55,440
He asks me where
in New York City I live.
1661
01:11:55,523 --> 01:11:56,858
He asks me if I live alone.
1662
01:11:56,941 --> 01:12:00,528
He asks me
how much money I make in a year.
1663
01:12:00,612 --> 01:12:03,281
And, at some point,
I got a little offended.
1664
01:12:03,365 --> 01:12:05,492
And I was just like,
"This guy's got a problem.
1665
01:12:05,575 --> 01:12:06,618
He's obsessed with me.
1666
01:12:06,701 --> 01:12:07,952
Everyone else in this room,
they like me.
1667
01:12:07,994 --> 01:12:09,746
It's so weird
that they're not stopping him.
1668
01:12:09,788 --> 01:12:11,289
It's weird
that he can read that."
1669
01:12:11,373 --> 01:12:12,582
And he's like,
"Where did you go to college?"
1670
01:12:12,624 --> 01:12:14,167
And I was like,
"I went to New York University."
1671
01:12:14,250 --> 01:12:15,293
He said, "What did you study?"
1672
01:12:15,335 --> 01:12:16,461
And I said,
"English Literature."
1673
01:12:16,503 --> 01:12:17,879
He said, "Where did you go
to high school?"
1674
01:12:17,962 --> 01:12:20,131
And I said, "I went to a school
in Boston called Maimonides."
1675
01:12:20,215 --> 01:12:23,927
And he went, "Maimonides?"
And I said, "It's a yeshiva."
1676
01:12:23,968 --> 01:12:25,136
AUDIENCE: Oh!
1677
01:12:25,220 --> 01:12:29,974
And halfway around the circle,
this lady just went, "Oh, boy."
1678
01:12:30,058 --> 01:12:33,770
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1679
01:12:33,812 --> 01:12:35,855
And Witt went,
"What's a yeshiva?"
1680
01:12:35,939 --> 01:12:38,233
And I said,
"It's like a Hebrew day school."
1681
01:12:38,316 --> 01:12:39,484
And Chelsea,
1682
01:12:39,567 --> 01:12:41,695
looking for any sort of out
at this point I assume,
1683
01:12:41,778 --> 01:12:43,988
just went,
"Your parents made you go
1684
01:12:44,072 --> 01:12:45,699
to a Hebrew day school?"
1685
01:12:45,782 --> 01:12:49,828
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1686
01:12:49,911 --> 01:12:52,247
And I said, "Kind of."
And she said, "Why?"
1687
01:12:52,330 --> 01:12:56,167
And jigsaw lady, of course,
not looking at me, of course,
1688
01:12:56,251 --> 01:12:57,836
just went, "Chelsea!"
1689
01:13:01,506 --> 01:13:03,508
"So very clearly a Jew."
1690
01:13:06,636 --> 01:13:11,099
And because it wasn't
that big a deal, I just went...
1691
01:13:11,182 --> 01:13:12,183
(SNIFFS)
1692
01:13:14,352 --> 01:13:15,645
"I mean, yeah."
1693
01:13:18,148 --> 01:13:19,607
"Yeah, I'm... I'm Jewish."
1694
01:13:25,196 --> 01:13:26,698
(EXHALES)
1695
01:13:26,781 --> 01:13:28,033
You know...
1696
01:13:29,534 --> 01:13:31,911
people say
that political correctness...
1697
01:13:33,204 --> 01:13:34,998
is a big part of our culture,
1698
01:13:36,124 --> 01:13:37,584
but maybe it's great,
1699
01:13:37,667 --> 01:13:39,336
because I think
political correctness
1700
01:13:39,377 --> 01:13:42,297
is the reason
that after I said I was Jewish,
1701
01:13:42,380 --> 01:13:43,882
there was a split second
1702
01:13:43,965 --> 01:13:46,551
where everyone in the circle
kind of looked at each other
1703
01:13:46,634 --> 01:13:48,511
with a real energy of like...
1704
01:13:51,389 --> 01:13:52,599
"Are we cool with that now?"
1705
01:13:52,682 --> 01:13:56,227
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1706
01:13:56,269 --> 01:13:58,146
"Did I miss an email
or something?"
1707
01:13:58,229 --> 01:13:59,689
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1708
01:13:59,731 --> 01:14:01,274
"I don't wanna be rude,
but isn't that, like,
1709
01:14:01,358 --> 01:14:02,942
one of our big things?"
1710
01:14:03,026 --> 01:14:04,778
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1711
01:14:04,861 --> 01:14:06,112
And then one person
starts to talk,
1712
01:14:06,196 --> 01:14:08,239
and then another,
and then... and then I realized
1713
01:14:08,281 --> 01:14:09,783
I may have misread
how welcome I am.
1714
01:14:09,866 --> 01:14:12,619
And people are yelling,
but no one's yelling at me.
1715
01:14:12,702 --> 01:14:14,579
They're yelling
at the guy running the meeting,
1716
01:14:14,662 --> 01:14:15,830
and I felt a little bad for him.
1717
01:14:15,914 --> 01:14:16,915
I was like,
"They're not gonna get
1718
01:14:16,998 --> 01:14:19,376
to the next steps
for a while, probably."
1719
01:14:19,417 --> 01:14:20,752
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And Cortez,
1720
01:14:20,794 --> 01:14:23,421
this guy's out of his seat
like he's won a basketball game.
1721
01:14:23,505 --> 01:14:24,506
He's like, "I told you.
1722
01:14:24,589 --> 01:14:26,424
I fucking--
So obvious. Look at him."
1723
01:14:26,508 --> 01:14:27,717
And I look at Chelsea.
1724
01:14:27,759 --> 01:14:29,719
And as soon as I do,
I regret it.
1725
01:14:29,761 --> 01:14:32,764
She has such an expression
on her face.
1726
01:14:32,847 --> 01:14:35,517
She looks so aggrieved.
She has an expression
1727
01:14:35,600 --> 01:14:37,394
like a shattered
and re-glued plate.
1728
01:14:37,435 --> 01:14:38,895
She looks so upset.
1729
01:14:38,937 --> 01:14:40,814
And I find it so hard
to look at her after that.
1730
01:14:40,897 --> 01:14:43,566
And this guy running the meeting
calms everybody down,
1731
01:14:43,608 --> 01:14:44,651
no small feat.
1732
01:14:44,734 --> 01:14:47,904
He's like,
"Okay. Okay. No, I didn't know."
1733
01:14:47,946 --> 01:14:50,657
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
1734
01:14:50,740 --> 01:14:53,201
And he said, "Alex?"
And I said, "Mm-hmm."
1735
01:14:53,284 --> 01:14:54,911
And he said, "Why are you here?"
1736
01:14:54,953 --> 01:14:58,123
Which, in retrospect,
is an excellent question.
1737
01:14:58,164 --> 01:15:01,751
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1738
01:15:01,793 --> 01:15:05,463
And this is my favorite detail
from the whole meeting.
1739
01:15:05,547 --> 01:15:08,258
This is my favorite detail
from the whole night.
1740
01:15:08,299 --> 01:15:09,592
He said, "Why are you here?"
1741
01:15:09,634 --> 01:15:11,886
And I said,
"Oh, I saw this tweet
1742
01:15:11,970 --> 01:15:14,305
that said if you have questions
about your Whiteness,
1743
01:15:14,389 --> 01:15:16,349
then come--"
Before I can finish,
1744
01:15:16,433 --> 01:15:18,393
Witt, almost brightly,
1745
01:15:18,476 --> 01:15:20,603
just went,
"Oh! That's my tweet."
1746
01:15:20,645 --> 01:15:25,984
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1747
01:15:27,444 --> 01:15:29,487
(CHUCKLES)
"Oh! That's my tweet,"
1748
01:15:29,529 --> 01:15:31,072
with a real energy of like,
"See?
1749
01:15:31,156 --> 01:15:34,200
We are reaching some new people
on social media."
1750
01:15:34,284 --> 01:15:35,368
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1751
01:15:35,452 --> 01:15:38,621
And even then, I was like,
"Yeah, bud, I saw your tweet.
1752
01:15:38,663 --> 01:15:40,373
And as a White man,
I actually--"
1753
01:15:40,457 --> 01:15:41,833
And I don't get
to finish that sentence.
1754
01:15:41,916 --> 01:15:44,502
Everyone starts yelling
except for--
1755
01:15:44,544 --> 01:15:46,880
"No. You're not White.
You're Jewish.
1756
01:15:46,963 --> 01:15:48,798
You're Semitic. It's different."
1757
01:15:48,840 --> 01:15:52,052
Someone over here went,
"He's not even a real Jew."
1758
01:15:52,135 --> 01:15:53,470
And I was like, "Dad?"
1759
01:15:53,511 --> 01:15:57,682
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1760
01:15:57,724 --> 01:16:00,060
And he said, "He's an impostor
from the Khazars."
1761
01:16:00,143 --> 01:16:01,353
And I said, "Oh, I-- Okay.
1762
01:16:01,394 --> 01:16:02,771
Well, I don't know
where that is,
1763
01:16:02,854 --> 01:16:04,856
but I am Jewish and I am White."
And everyone says, "You're not."
1764
01:16:04,939 --> 01:16:06,524
And I thought
this would help me.
1765
01:16:06,608 --> 01:16:08,026
I really did. I went,
1766
01:16:08,109 --> 01:16:09,402
"Guys. Guys,
1767
01:16:09,486 --> 01:16:11,780
I know it's complicated given...
(CHUCKLES)
1768
01:16:11,863 --> 01:16:15,116
...given that Whiteness
is largely a social construct...
1769
01:16:15,200 --> 01:16:17,577
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1770
01:16:17,660 --> 01:16:20,330
...but I actually benefit
an enormous amount
1771
01:16:20,372 --> 01:16:21,539
from White privilege."
1772
01:16:21,581 --> 01:16:24,084
And everyone's like...
(SCREAMS SOFTLY)
1773
01:16:24,167 --> 01:16:25,960
"No. No. Are you kidding?
1774
01:16:26,044 --> 01:16:28,463
Haven't you been listening?
White privilege isn't real.
1775
01:16:28,546 --> 01:16:29,839
White privilege is bullshit."
1776
01:16:29,881 --> 01:16:32,300
Someone over here just went,
"You have Jewish privilege.
1777
01:16:32,384 --> 01:16:34,511
It's different." I was like,
"That's so interesting.
1778
01:16:34,552 --> 01:16:35,804
I never thought
about that before.
1779
01:16:35,887 --> 01:16:38,556
But actually, I benefit
a great deal from my Whiteness."
1780
01:16:38,598 --> 01:16:41,601
And Cortez is incensed.
He's out of his seat.
1781
01:16:41,685 --> 01:16:43,561
He's like, "It doesn't exist."
1782
01:16:43,645 --> 01:16:45,939
And I said, "Come on, man."
And he went, "Really."
1783
01:16:46,022 --> 01:16:49,609
And I said, "I benefit from it."
He went, "When was the last time
1784
01:16:49,693 --> 01:16:52,404
you got something
for being White?"
1785
01:16:52,487 --> 01:16:55,240
And I said,
"Matt, I got a free muffin
1786
01:16:55,323 --> 01:16:57,492
for it like an hour ago."
1787
01:16:57,575 --> 01:17:01,913
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1788
01:17:12,465 --> 01:17:13,675
I... (CHUCKLES)
1789
01:17:13,758 --> 01:17:15,802
I don't wanna spoil
the ending of this for you...
1790
01:17:15,885 --> 01:17:17,053
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1791
01:17:17,095 --> 01:17:19,806
...but Chelsea and I,
we're not gonna work out.
1792
01:17:19,889 --> 01:17:22,058
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
1793
01:17:22,100 --> 01:17:23,935
Although it'd be so cool
if I could say,
1794
01:17:23,977 --> 01:17:26,187
-"And here she is."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1795
01:17:26,271 --> 01:17:29,482
"Come on out, sweetie!"
And she's like, "Ah!"
1796
01:17:29,566 --> 01:17:33,862
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1797
01:17:36,823 --> 01:17:39,743
(CHUCKLES) I actually started
dating someone.
1798
01:17:40,535 --> 01:17:41,619
I actually started
dating someone
1799
01:17:41,703 --> 01:17:42,746
a couple months after this.
1800
01:17:42,787 --> 01:17:44,122
And when I told her
about this night,
1801
01:17:44,205 --> 01:17:46,916
the first thing she said to me,
she said, "Just so you know,
1802
01:17:46,958 --> 01:17:49,002
this is the epitome
of White privilege."
1803
01:17:49,085 --> 01:17:50,920
And I said, "What do you mean?"
And she said,
1804
01:17:50,962 --> 01:17:52,881
"Nothing says
White privilege more
1805
01:17:52,964 --> 01:17:55,842
than a Jew walking into
a meeting of racists
1806
01:17:55,925 --> 01:17:57,635
and thinking,
'This'll probably be fine.'"
1807
01:17:57,719 --> 01:18:02,766
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1808
01:18:02,807 --> 01:18:05,894
"Things usually work out
pretty good for me, honestly."
1809
01:18:05,977 --> 01:18:08,271
"Oh, look.
Muffins. Those are for me?"
1810
01:18:08,313 --> 01:18:12,150
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1811
01:18:19,657 --> 01:18:21,576
I'll be out there afterwards,
by the way,
1812
01:18:21,659 --> 01:18:23,370
if anyone wants
to ask a question.
1813
01:18:24,245 --> 01:18:25,372
I answer every question.
1814
01:18:25,455 --> 01:18:26,414
But obviously,
1815
01:18:26,498 --> 01:18:28,833
if you're watching at home
and you have a question,
1816
01:18:28,875 --> 01:18:31,836
I'm obscenely easy to reach
on social media.
1817
01:18:31,920 --> 01:18:34,172
Even if you hated the show,
tweet at me.
1818
01:18:34,214 --> 01:18:36,424
There's a list I can add you to,
you know?
1819
01:18:36,508 --> 01:18:39,302
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1820
01:18:39,344 --> 01:18:41,680
And the two questions
I get the most are,
1821
01:18:41,721 --> 01:18:44,849
one, "Were you scared?"
Not really.
1822
01:18:44,891 --> 01:18:47,811
Here's the thing. Nazis, hmm,
1823
01:18:48,687 --> 01:18:50,146
far less intimidating
than the way
1824
01:18:50,188 --> 01:18:51,856
that my grandfather
described them.
1825
01:18:51,898 --> 01:18:55,443
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1826
01:18:56,695 --> 01:18:58,905
Also, they're not Nazis.
1827
01:18:58,988 --> 01:19:01,032
But-- I hate to clarify a joke,
but being a Nazi
1828
01:19:01,074 --> 01:19:02,951
is actually such
a specific thing
1829
01:19:03,034 --> 01:19:05,787
from an extremely
specific moment in history.
1830
01:19:05,870 --> 01:19:07,789
These guys wish they were Nazis.
1831
01:19:07,872 --> 01:19:09,207
Like, you ever see kids
in the park,
1832
01:19:09,249 --> 01:19:11,334
and they're hitting each other
with tinfoil swords?
1833
01:19:11,376 --> 01:19:13,545
These guys are Nazis
the way that those guys
1834
01:19:13,586 --> 01:19:15,422
are the Knights
of the Round Table.
1835
01:19:15,505 --> 01:19:16,631
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1836
01:19:16,715 --> 01:19:18,299
These are Nerf Nazis, you know?
1837
01:19:18,383 --> 01:19:19,843
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1838
01:19:19,884 --> 01:19:23,304
And the second question
I get asked every single day is,
1839
01:19:23,388 --> 01:19:24,723
"Why'd you go?"
1840
01:19:24,806 --> 01:19:25,765
"Did you really go?"
1841
01:19:25,849 --> 01:19:27,475
"My wife
and I can't believe you."
1842
01:19:27,559 --> 01:19:28,476
"Why'd you go?"
1843
01:19:28,560 --> 01:19:31,021
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1844
01:19:31,062 --> 01:19:32,397
Thought I could make it work.
1845
01:19:32,439 --> 01:19:33,815
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1846
01:19:33,898 --> 01:19:35,233
It's my job.
1847
01:19:36,776 --> 01:19:38,445
I make it work.
1848
01:19:38,528 --> 01:19:40,113
I get on stage every night,
1849
01:19:40,196 --> 01:19:41,906
and I am pandering
and solicitous.
1850
01:19:41,990 --> 01:19:43,324
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1851
01:19:43,408 --> 01:19:45,660
And I hope that it's enough
to make people enjoy the show
1852
01:19:45,744 --> 01:19:46,745
or tell a friend.
1853
01:19:46,828 --> 01:19:48,913
Please tell a friend.
And it's gross.
1854
01:19:48,997 --> 01:19:50,373
And there's a huge part of me
1855
01:19:50,415 --> 01:19:52,584
that genuinely walked
into this room thinking
1856
01:19:52,667 --> 01:19:54,169
like they're just anti-Semites
1857
01:19:54,252 --> 01:19:56,254
'cause they haven't
met Alex yet.
1858
01:19:56,338 --> 01:19:57,380
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1859
01:19:57,422 --> 01:20:00,759
Haven't met David Yosef
Shimon Ben Elazar Reuven.
1860
01:20:00,800 --> 01:20:03,303
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1861
01:20:03,720 --> 01:20:04,929
This...
1862
01:20:07,640 --> 01:20:09,392
not that different
from the meeting.
1863
01:20:11,436 --> 01:20:12,479
Not for me.
1864
01:20:13,855 --> 01:20:16,900
I'm only telling you stuff
I think you'd enjoy.
1865
01:20:17,901 --> 01:20:19,027
Right, like,
if you really knew me,
1866
01:20:19,110 --> 01:20:20,528
you might not like me, right?
1867
01:20:20,612 --> 01:20:22,822
There'd be a political opinion
you couldn't stand,
1868
01:20:22,906 --> 01:20:25,325
or I'd be too something.
I'd be too pretentious,
1869
01:20:25,408 --> 01:20:28,119
or ambitious,
or lazy, or too Jewish,
1870
01:20:28,161 --> 01:20:30,622
or not Jewish enough.
There'd be something.
1871
01:20:30,663 --> 01:20:32,540
You know
who I think about constantly?
1872
01:20:32,624 --> 01:20:33,792
Robin Williams.
1873
01:20:33,875 --> 01:20:37,712
A gift for connection
no one else could--
1874
01:20:37,796 --> 01:20:39,422
- A gorilla!
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
1875
01:20:39,464 --> 01:20:43,134
A gorilla was like, "Oh, my God,
the talent is undeniable."
1876
01:20:43,218 --> 01:20:44,511
- A gorilla!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1877
01:20:44,594 --> 01:20:46,805
If Robin Williams
can make it work with a gorilla,
1878
01:20:46,888 --> 01:20:50,308
I should be okay
with 16 White people in Queens.
1879
01:20:50,392 --> 01:20:51,976
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1880
01:20:52,018 --> 01:20:53,645
Trying to acknowledge
their humanity
1881
01:20:53,728 --> 01:20:54,688
with this analogy,
1882
01:20:54,771 --> 01:20:56,398
but I am aware
that in this analogy,
1883
01:20:56,481 --> 01:20:57,315
these guys are gorillas
1884
01:20:57,399 --> 01:20:58,858
and I'm one
of the greatest comics
1885
01:20:58,942 --> 01:21:02,487
- who's ever lived.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1886
01:21:02,529 --> 01:21:06,116
But if you think about it,
who gets dehumanized?
1887
01:21:06,157 --> 01:21:10,328
Right? 'Cause for a second,
I'm in.
1888
01:21:10,370 --> 01:21:12,330
I'm White. Finally.
1889
01:21:13,164 --> 01:21:15,834
Right? Childhood dream achieved.
1890
01:21:15,917 --> 01:21:17,460
And then they find out
that I'm Jewish...
1891
01:21:17,502 --> 01:21:19,671
- (FINGERS SNAPPING)
- ...and the walls go up.
1892
01:21:19,713 --> 01:21:21,548
But it doesn't reflect amazing
on me,
1893
01:21:21,631 --> 01:21:24,009
'cause I wanted them to like me.
1894
01:21:24,050 --> 01:21:27,012
I was performing.
I am always perform--
1895
01:21:27,053 --> 01:21:28,763
I got kicked out
of this meeting,
1896
01:21:28,847 --> 01:21:30,515
and it bothers me...
1897
01:21:30,557 --> 01:21:32,058
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1898
01:21:32,142 --> 01:21:33,518
...on a craft level...
1899
01:21:33,601 --> 01:21:36,062
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1900
01:21:36,146 --> 01:21:37,480
...'cause that's what happens.
1901
01:21:37,522 --> 01:21:38,732
This guy calms everybody down
1902
01:21:38,815 --> 01:21:42,110
and he's like, "Okay. Okay.
We're gonna take that break
1903
01:21:42,193 --> 01:21:45,280
and anyone who needs
to leave can leave."
1904
01:21:45,363 --> 01:21:47,782
And even though I'm not amazing
with social cues,
1905
01:21:47,866 --> 01:21:49,743
I was like, "I bet he means me."
1906
01:21:49,826 --> 01:21:54,330
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)
1907
01:21:54,372 --> 01:21:56,499
And this is
the kind of dumb joke
1908
01:21:56,541 --> 01:21:58,209
the whole show could have been.
1909
01:21:59,210 --> 01:22:00,670
Everybody else... (CHUCKLES)
1910
01:22:00,712 --> 01:22:02,922
...gets up and they all move...
1911
01:22:03,965 --> 01:22:05,592
to the far right corner
of the room.
1912
01:22:05,675 --> 01:22:09,387
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1913
01:22:11,014 --> 01:22:13,058
And I'm getting my stuff.
I look sad now.
1914
01:22:13,099 --> 01:22:14,851
I look like I've lost Wimbledon
or something.
1915
01:22:14,893 --> 01:22:17,645
- I'm like, "Oh, God."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1916
01:22:17,729 --> 01:22:18,897
"Can't believe
they would do this
1917
01:22:18,938 --> 01:22:20,273
to the good boy."
1918
01:22:20,357 --> 01:22:24,069
And Chelsea...
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Chelsea.
1919
01:22:25,403 --> 01:22:26,279
Chelsea crosses
1920
01:22:26,363 --> 01:22:29,240
this vast expanse
of floor to me.
1921
01:22:30,658 --> 01:22:32,786
And I felt so bad for her
1922
01:22:32,869 --> 01:22:34,079
in that-- I remember thinking,
1923
01:22:34,120 --> 01:22:36,289
"Man, horrible time
and place for you
1924
01:22:36,373 --> 01:22:38,416
to discover
that this is your type."
1925
01:22:38,458 --> 01:22:41,753
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1926
01:22:44,089 --> 01:22:45,465
And she gets to me.
1927
01:22:51,680 --> 01:22:52,972
She said...
1928
01:22:55,433 --> 01:22:56,601
"You're Jewish?"
1929
01:22:57,018 --> 01:22:58,436
And I said...
1930
01:23:00,230 --> 01:23:01,272
"Can you believe it?"
1931
01:23:01,356 --> 01:23:04,818
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
1932
01:23:04,901 --> 01:23:07,153
And for the first time,
it doesn't work.
1933
01:23:07,237 --> 01:23:09,364
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1934
01:23:09,447 --> 01:23:11,741
And she went,
"So you're fully Semitic
1935
01:23:12,742 --> 01:23:13,993
or partial? What's going on."
1936
01:23:14,077 --> 01:23:16,037
And I said,
"Both my parents are Jewish."
1937
01:23:16,121 --> 01:23:17,706
And she said,
"That's so interesting."
1938
01:23:17,789 --> 01:23:19,207
She's very calm, actually.
1939
01:23:19,290 --> 01:23:21,167
"That's so interesting.
You know why?
1940
01:23:21,251 --> 01:23:22,919
Because this
is a private residence."
1941
01:23:22,961 --> 01:23:24,462
And I said,
"Well, I was invited."
1942
01:23:24,504 --> 01:23:26,798
And she said, "You were...
You weren't invited.
1943
01:23:26,881 --> 01:23:28,258
You're committing
a crime right now.
1944
01:23:28,299 --> 01:23:31,136
You're trespassing.
You can't be here.
1945
01:23:31,219 --> 01:23:34,222
This is just for us. Go!"
1946
01:23:55,452 --> 01:23:56,745
(EXHALES)
1947
01:24:02,667 --> 01:24:03,668
So...
1948
01:24:05,170 --> 01:24:07,088
So the next morning,
1949
01:24:08,173 --> 01:24:09,716
call David Burstein...
1950
01:24:10,967 --> 01:24:12,052
tell him what he missed.
1951
01:24:12,135 --> 01:24:14,179
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1952
01:24:14,220 --> 01:24:16,473
And he's quiet
all the way through.
1953
01:24:16,514 --> 01:24:19,100
He just lets me talk.
I talk for like 40 minutes.
1954
01:24:19,184 --> 01:24:21,353
But when I got
to this part of the story,
1955
01:24:21,436 --> 01:24:24,022
he interrupted me.
And pardon the language,
1956
01:24:24,105 --> 01:24:25,857
but he was like,
"And you looked at her
1957
01:24:25,940 --> 01:24:27,442
and you said, 'Fuck you, lady.'
1958
01:24:27,525 --> 01:24:29,527
And then you looked
at everybody else in the room
1959
01:24:29,611 --> 01:24:31,863
and you're like,
'Fuck every single one
1960
01:24:31,946 --> 01:24:33,990
of you racist, bigoted,
1961
01:24:34,032 --> 01:24:36,868
anti-Semitic assholes.'"
And I was like...
1962
01:24:36,951 --> 01:24:40,121
- (INHALES SHARPLY)
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
1963
01:24:40,205 --> 01:24:42,540
-"Yeah."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1964
01:24:42,582 --> 01:24:44,876
"Of course I put a finger
in her face
1965
01:24:44,918 --> 01:24:46,461
and I'm like,
'Screw you. And screw--
1966
01:24:46,544 --> 01:24:48,171
Screw all
your little Nazi budd--'"
1967
01:24:48,213 --> 01:24:50,590
But that's not what happened.
What really happened is,
1968
01:24:50,674 --> 01:24:53,093
I got scared
by the trespassing thing.
1969
01:24:53,176 --> 01:24:54,427
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1970
01:24:54,511 --> 01:24:57,305
And I quailed immediately,
and I just went...
1971
01:24:58,348 --> 01:24:59,391
"Okay."
1972
01:24:59,432 --> 01:25:02,060
And on the way out,
this is so much worse,
1973
01:25:02,143 --> 01:25:04,020
I looked at everybody else,
and I just went,
1974
01:25:04,062 --> 01:25:05,814
"Sorry, you guys!"
1975
01:25:05,897 --> 01:25:09,109
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1976
01:25:11,778 --> 01:25:14,864
And I left. I left.
1977
01:25:16,157 --> 01:25:18,076
You know, I had a conversation
with someone
1978
01:25:18,118 --> 01:25:20,328
the day before this run
on Broadway started
1979
01:25:20,412 --> 01:25:23,456
and... and he said to me,
"Would you go back?"
1980
01:25:23,540 --> 01:25:26,418
"A thousand percent."
And he said, "Really?"
1981
01:25:26,459 --> 01:25:28,128
I said, "Yeah. What,
I'm supposed to lock myself
1982
01:25:28,211 --> 01:25:30,588
in a room with people
who agree with me?"
1983
01:25:30,672 --> 01:25:32,590
"That's how you
wind up like this."
1984
01:25:33,925 --> 01:25:36,469
But I get his point,
because whenever anyone is like,
1985
01:25:36,553 --> 01:25:38,221
"Oh, the way to reach
these people
1986
01:25:38,263 --> 01:25:40,265
on the far right or the far left
1987
01:25:40,348 --> 01:25:43,226
is to extend this hand
of brotherhood and connection,
1988
01:25:43,268 --> 01:25:45,478
and let them know that
in the marketplace of ideas,
1989
01:25:45,562 --> 01:25:48,690
they are welcome--"
Like that's a lovely notion.
1990
01:25:48,773 --> 01:25:51,359
That's how I feel.
That's a Jewish value.
1991
01:25:51,443 --> 01:25:56,072
But some of them want us gone.
And when I say us, I mean, us.
1992
01:25:56,114 --> 01:25:58,116
Like even if you guys
aren't Jewish
1993
01:25:58,158 --> 01:25:59,284
or a person of color,
1994
01:25:59,367 --> 01:26:01,953
the fact that you bought
a ticket to this show...
1995
01:26:01,995 --> 01:26:04,205
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1996
01:26:04,289 --> 01:26:05,582
...I feel bad for you guys.
1997
01:26:05,623 --> 01:26:06,541
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1998
01:26:06,624 --> 01:26:08,835
You guys are screwed.
See you on the trains.
1999
01:26:08,918 --> 01:26:09,961
They hate you so much.
2000
01:26:10,045 --> 01:26:13,465
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
2001
01:26:15,592 --> 01:26:16,676
I'm glad I went.
2002
01:26:17,510 --> 01:26:19,596
I really took something
away with me.
2003
01:26:20,472 --> 01:26:22,682
Not like a lesson
or anything like that.
2004
01:26:22,766 --> 01:26:25,810
I really took something away
with me and it's very small,
2005
01:26:25,852 --> 01:26:29,147
but I think it's significant.
And I think it's significant
2006
01:26:29,230 --> 01:26:30,648
because it's one piece
2007
01:26:30,690 --> 01:26:33,902
from a 12,000-piece
jigsaw puzzle.
2008
01:26:33,985 --> 01:26:40,033
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
2009
01:26:40,116 --> 01:26:42,327
♪ ("SECTION 14
(TWO THOUSAND PEOPLE)" BY
THE POLYPHONIC SPREE PLAYING) ♪
2010
01:26:42,410 --> 01:26:46,206
♪ And I know there's a lot
Outside the window ♪
2011
01:26:46,289 --> 01:26:49,459
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
2012
01:26:49,501 --> 01:26:53,296
♪ It seems a lot
For you and me ♪
2013
01:26:53,338 --> 01:26:56,549
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
2014
01:26:56,633 --> 01:27:00,345
♪ It takes the sun
To make the sidewalk ♪
2015
01:27:00,387 --> 01:27:03,640
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
2016
01:27:03,682 --> 01:27:07,560
♪ It takes the moon
To burn my feet ♪
2017
01:27:07,644 --> 01:27:10,689
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
2018
01:27:10,730 --> 01:27:13,858
♪ It means a lot
To take some time ♪
2019
01:27:13,942 --> 01:27:19,030
♪ I know it's right
You gotta be good ♪
2020
01:27:19,072 --> 01:27:22,075
♪ You gotta be strong ♪
2021
01:27:22,158 --> 01:27:27,038
♪ You gotta be 2,000 places
At once ♪
2022
01:27:28,331 --> 01:27:34,379
♪ You gotta be good
You gotta be strong ♪
2023
01:27:34,462 --> 01:27:39,384
♪ You gotta be 2,000 places
At once ♪
2024
01:27:40,552 --> 01:27:43,763
- ♪ You gotta be good ♪
- ♪ It seems a lot to show ♪
2025
01:27:43,847 --> 01:27:46,808
- ♪ You gotta be strong ♪
- ♪ You've got the time to grow ♪
2026
01:27:46,891 --> 01:27:52,647
♪ You gotta be 2,000 places
At once ♪
2027
01:27:52,731 --> 01:27:55,942
- ♪ You gotta be good ♪
- ♪ It seems a lot to show ♪
2028
01:27:56,026 --> 01:27:59,070
- ♪ You gotta be strong ♪
- ♪ You've got the time to grow ♪
2029
01:27:59,154 --> 01:28:02,615
♪ You got 2,000 places ♪
2030
01:28:05,744 --> 01:28:07,037
♪ Whoo! ♪
2031
01:28:08,329 --> 01:28:12,584
♪ And time will show the way ♪
2032
01:28:12,625 --> 01:28:17,339
♪ And love will shine today ♪
2033
01:28:17,422 --> 01:28:21,885
♪ And time will go away ♪
2034
01:28:21,926 --> 01:28:28,933
♪ So love can grow ♪
2035
01:28:29,267 --> 01:28:32,437
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪