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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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First comedy special.

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I'm pumped, first time I'm
actually nervous for a show,

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but it's good nerves.

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Found you on Instagram on the pandemic,

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and I've been watching you ever since.

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Anthony, you're the best.

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Can't wait for your shot tonight.

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He's hysterical.

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Yeah, Gabagool

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You always make us laugh.

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You are hilarious.

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It's sauce, not gravy.

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My mom and I have been
watching your videos

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since during COVID and we love them.

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Hysterical.

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Anthony, we love you.

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I hope I'm gonna laugh my ass off.

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Kick some ass.

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Long Island, New York, make some noise!

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Give it up for my man,
my friend, Anthony Rodia!

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What's up, Long Island!

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God damn! Woo!

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This is uncharted waters for me, okay?

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I'm not used to this. I'm
used to you guys being there.

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I'm not used to a bunch of
people watching me at home,

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so I don't know what they're gonna think,

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what they're gonna say, okay?

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Now hopefully there'll be millions

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of people across the world that watch this

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and I want them to know
that their opinion matters,

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kind of, so,

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I know how you guys are,

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but for the people at home watching this,

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I want you to know I'm aware

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that there are different
types of people in this world.

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I'm aware people have different tolerance,

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different sense of humor, I know.

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So I want you to know that
if you're watching this,

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and for the next hour, I
trigger you, I offend you.

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You feel attacked or I piss you off,

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I want you to know, I don't give a fuck.

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I don't care.

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And I got news for you,
neither does anyone else.

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I don't care.

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You know how entitled you have to be

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to sit there and go, "I don't like this.

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I wanna change."

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Shut the fuck up.

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I was a little kid.

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I'd walk in the living room.
My father would be watching TV.

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I'd go, "Dad, I don't like this."

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"Okay, close your fucking eyes."

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People gotta stop, man.

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Especially when it comes to comedy,

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'cause comedy should never
be looked at as an attack.

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We all deal with shit. No
one's living a perfect life.

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You're dealing with shit.
I'm dealing with shit.

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You got people that's
dealing with worse shit.

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And when you come to a comedy show,

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you shouldn't feel attacked.

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You should feel able to escape
all the bullshit out there

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and in here, we laugh.

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That's it.

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I can't stand it, man.

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And I, listen, I'll admit,
I'm not normal, okay?

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I got a messed up mind.

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I create comedy from
every situation in life.

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I wake up laughing in the
morning. My wife hates it.

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She's like, "Why're you so happy?"

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Why're you so miserable?

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I find comedy in everything, okay?

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Now there are times that
I want to be serious

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and comedy finds me.

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Perfect example, two
weeks ago, went to a wake.

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Not a place for comedy.

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Although the lady that saw
me walk in didn't think that.

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Soon as I walk in, "Oh my
God, oh my God, I love you.

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What are you doing here?"

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"I'm performing. What do
you think I'm doing here?"

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What do you think?

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I'm gonna jump on the
casket and do a quick set?

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So I go into the wake, I'm
sitting in the back of the room,

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I'm hanging out with a couple
of my friends, my cousins,

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and I'm trying to behave.

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Trying to act mature.

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And out comes the deacon to give the mass.

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Four and a half foot Asian guy

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that looked exactly like Mr.
Chow from "Hangover," okay?

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I look up, I'm like, "Why
you gotta do this to me?"

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I'm trying to behave.

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So I'm saying to myself,
"We're still good."

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So he looks like Mr. Chow.

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There's no way this guy is gonna have

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a full-blown Asian accent.

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He had the strongest Asian accent.

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The guy's first word was hallelujah.

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Why do you have to pick a word with

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so many letter L's in it?

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He came out, "Hallelujah."

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I looked up, "Why are
you doing this to me?

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I'm trying to behave myself.

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I got my wife here. Why
are you doing this to me?"

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So now I'm trying to keep it in.

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Then he starts talking

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and telling everybody the difference

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between a deacon and a priest.

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He goes, "I know some
of you are looking at me

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and you're thinking why does he have

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a ribbon going across his chest?

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Because I'm no priest.

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A priest have a round shoulder.

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I'm a deacon. We go across the chest.

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Plus a priest cannot get
married. I'm married."

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I'm sitting there going like, I'm praying.

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I'm making up my own prayers.

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Our Father, who art in heaven,
please don't make me laugh.

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I'll keep it in,

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I'll only grin 'cause my
wife will kick my ass.

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Then he goes up to a friend of mine,

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like a pop quiz at a wake.

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I've never seen this before.

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He goes, "Hey you, what do you do?"

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He goes, "I'm a firefighter."

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"Oh, good, big man."

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Do you live alone?"

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He goes, "Yeah."

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"Good, what if you had a
million dollar in your closet

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and somebody was breaking into your house

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to take your money, are you prepared?"

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He goes, "I don't know."

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"Well, do you have a dog?"

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He goes, "Yeah."

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What dog?

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He goes, "A German Shepherd."

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Oh, that's a big dog.

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But if that dog don't save you life,

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are you prepared to stop this man?

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He goes, "No, I'm not prepared."

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Exactly, and that bring
me to my question for you.

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When it come time for God
to bring you to the kingdom,

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are you gonna be prepared?

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What?

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How the fuck did you
just connect those dots?

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And then he blew my mind.

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He goes, I don't know

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what your plan is for this person,

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but you can either bury her or cremate.

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And when people cremate, they
ask me question all time.

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Can we share the ashes?

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Meaning can my brother have some,

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my mother have some, my sister.

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No.

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Because when God come

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to resurrect this body,

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the body part gonna be
all over the place.

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It's not my fault sometimes, okay?

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But I do try to look at life from

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a comedic standpoint, okay?

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Like what's going on
now, you have to laugh.

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Shit is so dumb right now.

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It's comedy everywhere.

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Everywhere, I mean, look what's going on.

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You got guys that think
they can have babies.

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I got approached by a guy
after one of my shows.

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He said, "Yo, man, I like your comedy.

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I don't like your views."

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I was like, "Oh, I like your hair.

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I don't like your shoes."

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What are we doing?

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I said, "What's the matter, dude?

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What did I say to piss you off?"

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He goes, "You said on your podcast

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that men cannot give birth."

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I said, "Well, I still stand by that.

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I've had plenty of sex in my life

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and I've never gotten pregnant."

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He goes, "Well, I'm
gonna prove you wrong."

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And he shows me a picture
of a Calvin Klein ad

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and it's a woman with her arms wrapped

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around her pregnant husband's stomach.

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And I said, "What makes you think

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that pregnant person is a man?"

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He goes, Open your eyes,
asshole. He has a beard."

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I said, "So do three
of my aunts in Italy."

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You've never seen an Italian woman before?

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My wife is Calabrese.

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If she doesn't get laser
once every three months,

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she'll have a goatee.

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You wanna see baby pictures of
my daughter when she was born

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and we thought we gave
birth to a capuchin monkey.

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People are outta control,
man. They're outta control.

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I don't even know what to
say sometimes, how to react.

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Like I read an article.
This is twisted, man.

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Two people meet on Tinder, right?

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They go on three dates.

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The woman tells him on the third date,

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"I like you enough to be
fully honest with you.

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I was not born a woman.

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I'm a transgender and I'm
still equipped with a penis.

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I hope that doesn't change things."

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Lemme tell you something.

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When I was 26, I was dating
a girl that was a twelve.

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Girl was a knockout.

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Went to the beach after
our third week of dating.

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I broke up with her 'cause
she had a fucked up big toe.

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Do you understand what I'm saying?

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I said, "What is that? Looks like E.T.

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We can't see each other anymore."

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00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:13,339
You think I'm letting a dick slide?

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What if it's bigger than mine?

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Now I can't even take mine out.

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You drop your drawers. Oh, God bless.

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I can't give it to you now.

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00:11:29,897 --> 00:11:31,107
He stopped seeing her.

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00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:33,109
She went on the internet,
called him transphobic.

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Homophobic, why? Why?

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Like if I go into Carvel

220
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or any ice cream store
and I go, "What's up man?

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What flavors you got?"

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00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:41,826
We have vanilla and dick.

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00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:43,577
I'm gonna go vanilla.

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00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:47,206
I'm not afraid of the dick.

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00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:49,750
I just don't wanna put it in my mouth.

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So stupid, man.

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00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:58,175
And you know what? You know why
everyone's acting like this?

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00:11:58,175 --> 00:11:59,885
You know where the stupidity came from?

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00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,096
The stupidity came from the pandemic.

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00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:04,390
After the pandemic, all the assholes

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00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,642
and the stupid people
came outta the woodworks.

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00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:10,521
Everybody, everybody
came outta the woodwork.

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00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:18,779
But everybody was at each other's throats.

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00:12:18,779 --> 00:12:20,239
Wear a mask. Don't wear a mask.

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00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:21,991
Get vaccinated. Don't get vaccinated.

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00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:22,950
It was bullshit.

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00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:23,784
Everybody should mind

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00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:27,121
their fucking business, okay, everybody.

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00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:35,045
Do what you wanna do for you, okay?

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00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:36,797
That bullshit, that bullshit saying,

241
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oh, protect thy neighbor.

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00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:41,010
I don't like my neighbor.

243
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,512
I don't even talk to my neighbor, okay?

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00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:45,389
Ever since he kept blowing
his leaves up my property,

245
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,933
I don't like my neighbor.

246
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:51,312
Okay, plus he's a penis popper.
I don't like my neighbor.

247
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:52,688
I'll explain to you what a penis popper is

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00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:54,607
because you didn't even
realize you have friends

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00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:55,441
that do this.

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00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:56,525
You didn't know there was a name for it.

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00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:58,319
There is, penis popper.

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00:12:58,319 --> 00:12:59,987
Every time he talks to
me, he gets very awkward.

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00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,280
Pops his penis at me.

254
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,909
And you don't understand, I'm
attracted to motion, so now

255
00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:13,292
Every time he sees me,
"Hey, what's going on, Ant?

256
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:14,585
How's the comedy thing going, huh?

257
00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:16,295
Still touring around the world?"

258
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:21,800
That's good. How's the family?

259
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,719
How are the little ones?"

260
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:25,888
I don't know what little
ones are you talking about?

261
00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:26,722
My kids or your balls,

262
00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:27,556
What are you talking about?

263
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,479
Then he's always that person to pull me in

264
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:34,897
and tell me a secret.

265
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:37,191
A deep, deep personal secret.

266
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:38,817
I don't know him like that.

267
00:13:38,817 --> 00:13:40,861
He calls me and goes, "Come
here, come here, come here.

268
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,615
Last night, me and my wife went out to a bar

269
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:46,784
and we took a woman home."

270
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:52,414
You kidnapped somebody?
What are you talking about?

271
00:13:52,414 --> 00:13:54,667
No. God forbid.

272
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:57,628
No, once in a while,

273
00:13:57,628 --> 00:14:01,257
my wife allows me to bring a woman home,

274
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:03,008
have sex with her as long

275
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,635
as my wife is in the room with us."

276
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:17,565
I said, "Chris, I usually
ignore everything you say to me,

277
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:23,320
but right now, you have
my undivided

278
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:24,405
attention."

279
00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:31,829
No wonder why you pop your penis.

280
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:36,375
I said, "My wife doesn't let
me golf twice in the same week.

281
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:37,918
How'd you pull that off?

282
00:14:38,877 --> 00:14:42,006
What is there like a permission
slip I can get her to sign?"

283
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:43,132
He's like, "Come on, man.

284
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,217
You have the gift of gab, funny guy, good looking.

285
00:14:45,217 --> 00:14:46,760
You don't think
you can convince your wife

286
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,637
into allowing you to
sleep with another woman

287
00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:50,306
as long as she's in the room?"

288
00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,348
No.

289
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:55,019
I got enough trouble trying

290
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:57,896
to convince my wife to sleep
with me when she's in the room.

291
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:01,150
What do you think,

292
00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,693
she's gonna let another
participant join in?

293
00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:05,321
And what do you think my very Italian,

294
00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,656
Calabrese thick-headed wife is gonna do?

295
00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:10,034
Sit there with a notepad and take notes?

296
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,203
She's gonna be sitting there
taking jabs at me trying

297
00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:16,373
to embarrass me at my most
vulnerable point, okay?

298
00:15:16,373 --> 00:15:17,416
"Yeah, he breathes heavy.

299
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:19,668
Did he tell you he has sleep apnea?

300
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,339
Sleeps with one of those masks on,

301
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,966
looks like a fighter jet pilot.

302
00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:27,718
I actually call him Maverick every night

303
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:29,011
before he goes to bed."

304
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:35,059
But all the shit during the pandemic, man,

305
00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:36,101
I couldn't stand it.

306
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:37,895
And a lot of us did stupid shit, right?

307
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:41,315
Most of us stopped when it
didn't make sense, right?

308
00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:43,400
We started thinking, "Wait a minute,

309
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,069
if I walked into a restaurant

310
00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:50,157
I could take off my mask once I sit down.

311
00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:53,160
So that means the virus is here

312
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,455
but not here."

313
00:15:57,915 --> 00:15:59,124
So stupid.

314
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,002
A lot of us dealt with it though,

315
00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:03,212
right, at the beginning.

316
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,673
We would run to a store,
get to the front door,

317
00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,257
realize we didn't have a mask.

318
00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:10,052
Flip out, run back to the car, put it on.

319
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:12,096
After three months, we stop.

320
00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:13,055
We walk to the door,

321
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:13,806
ah, fuck,

322
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:14,848
yeah you know what, fuck this.

323
00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:21,814
What I loved most were
the social distancing mats

324
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:24,108
that they told you where
to stand, where it was safe.

325
00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:26,360
I felt like a monopoly game piece.

326
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:28,362
Sir!

327
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:29,947
Right, the red one?

328
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:34,201
I can advance.

329
00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:40,958
The funniest thing is you couldn't sneeze

330
00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:43,460
or cough in public for two years.

331
00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:44,920
People would lose their shit.

332
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,505
I remember I went to go pick
my daughter up from school.

333
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:48,841
There was 19 parents standing there.

334
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,676
I had a mask on with everybody else

335
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:53,846
and I feel a sneeze come on.

336
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,597
I'm like, Oh my God.

337
00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:58,016
Oh my God.

338
00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,601
Because if you sneezed in public,

339
00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:00,769
they would think you were infected.

340
00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:01,603
They'd flip out,

341
00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:02,938
"Kill him!"

342
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:08,026
So I'm trying to hold it.

343
00:17:08,026 --> 00:17:09,695
I'm doing that stupid sneeze hold.

344
00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:15,868
It wasn't working. This
thing was coming out.

345
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:18,120
It came out, I squeezed my fucking nose

346
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,831
and my mouth so hard,
I almost shit my pants.

347
00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:24,084
As soon as it came out,

348
00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:24,752
[Makes fart noise]

349
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:25,377
oh my God.

350
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:28,922
I did that thing you do when
you think you shit your pants,

351
00:17:28,922 --> 00:17:29,798
you poke some of your jeans

352
00:17:29,798 --> 00:17:31,842
into your ass to see if it's wet.

353
00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:41,810
The lady next to me, she goes,
"Sir, did you just sneeze?"

354
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:44,354
I said, "No, I think I shit my pants."

355
00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:47,524
Oh, thank God. He just shit his pants.

356
00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:50,277
I go, what kind of world are we living in

357
00:17:50,277 --> 00:17:52,237
where you could shit your pants,
but you can't sneeze?

358
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:55,657
It was insane, man.

359
00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:59,036
Crazy, crazy times.

360
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,079
And people are still doing shit.

361
00:18:01,079 --> 00:18:02,456
And here's the thing,
you do what you want.

362
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:03,290
I'm not gonna bother you.

363
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:05,417
You wanna wear a mask,
wear two mask, go ahead.

364
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:06,919
Go ahead. I'm not gonna bother you.

365
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,421
But if you go overboard
and do something stupid,

366
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:10,923
it's my job to tell you you're stupid,

367
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,049
because then you're gonna reproduce

368
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:15,010
and I need to stop you from doing so.

369
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:17,763
I need to call you stupid
before you reproduce, okay?

370
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:20,057
Like there was a guy at the
airport almost got kicked out.

371
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:22,100
I'm checking my bags, he's next to me.

372
00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:23,435
He's got two masks on.

373
00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:25,729
But then he's got that plastic shield.

374
00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:29,316
Like he's about to weld metal together.

375
00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:33,320
So I chose a way to tell him he was stupid.

376
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:34,279
I knocked on it.

377
00:18:38,116 --> 00:18:39,117
[knocking noises]

378
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:40,327
What are you doing?

379
00:18:40,327 --> 00:18:41,662
Seeing if anyone's home.

380
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:43,997
What are you doing that for?

381
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:45,040
It's safety.

382
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,084
No, it's not. It's stupidity.

383
00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:47,960
How do you figure?

384
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,295
I don't know, I can slide my hand underneath
and tickle your nose.

385
00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:55,634
People are outta control, man.

386
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:59,346
But the trophy, if there
was a stupidity trophy,

387
00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:02,850
that trophy is handed to one
type of person out there.

388
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:06,311
The person that's driving by
themselves with a mask on.

389
00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:15,445
Oh, what, what the fuck?

390
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:18,115
I wanna interview one of these people.

391
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:21,910
Like what is in your car
that has you so scared?

392
00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:23,787
What'd you shit your pants,
you don't wanna smell it?

393
00:19:23,787 --> 00:19:24,788
What's wrong?

394
00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:26,874
'Cause I get scared when I pull up

395
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:27,916
to 'em at a red light.

396
00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:30,085
They got the steering wheel
underneath their chin.

397
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:32,838
I'm like, what, do you have a car full

398
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:33,755
of midgets with COVID?

399
00:19:33,755 --> 00:19:35,424
What is in your car?

400
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:39,303
It's nuts, man.

401
00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:40,679
Crazy world that we live in.

402
00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:43,182
And I'm raising kids in it.
And that's even scarier, man.

403
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,726
Like I don't mind, like,
listen, adults are weird.

404
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:46,977
Adults are assholes.

405
00:19:46,977 --> 00:19:49,646
But what gets me is when adults
allow their kids to be weird

406
00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:50,898
and don't tell them,

407
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:51,481
"Hey,

408
00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:52,566
you're gonna get the shit kicked

409
00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:53,567
outta you once you get to middle school

410
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:54,818
for doing this."

411
00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:55,694
Right?

412
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,195
Like a lot of kids are doing weird shit.

413
00:19:57,195 --> 00:19:58,739
They're gonna school dressed up as animals

414
00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:01,325
when it's not Halloween, right?

415
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,910
And you always think it's never happening

416
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:06,330
until it happens at one
of your kids' schools.

417
00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:07,748
So my daughter comes home one day.

418
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:08,707
Tells me this kid, Vincent,

419
00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:10,459
that was at my house a year
ago for her birthday party

420
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:11,585
and was perfectly normal,

421
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:14,796
now thinks he's a kitty cat

422
00:20:14,796 --> 00:20:19,009
and he no longer speaks, he meows, okay?

423
00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:19,843
I said, "What?"

424
00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:20,969
"Yeah, he meows, Daddy.

425
00:20:20,969 --> 00:20:22,387
He doesn't talk to anybody."

426
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:23,764
Have you tried to speak to him?

427
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:24,848
Yeah, but when you get too close,

428
00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:26,642
he hisses and goes to scratch you.

429
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:29,853
I said, "Okay."

430
00:20:29,853 --> 00:20:31,146
What should I do? Should I ignore him?

431
00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:34,024
No, no, go to school tomorrow
and fucking bite him.

432
00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:39,196
He wants to be a cat. Let
him get treated like a cat.

433
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,280
What if a teacher yells at me?

434
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,741
Tell her you identify
as a rottweiler, okay?

435
00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:51,541
My wife's looking at me.

436
00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:54,336
She's going, "If she does
this, you're going to school

437
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:55,587
and you're dealing with it."

438
00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:56,838
I know, and I'm gonna bum-rush

439
00:20:56,838 --> 00:20:58,590
the principal's office like
one of these weird parents

440
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:01,802
that support everything
their kid does.

441
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:03,011
"Yes, I know what my daughter did,

442
00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:04,221
but who the hell thought
it was a good idea

443
00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:06,765
to put a dog in the same
classroom as a cat, who?"

444
00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:12,688
We've been training her
to be a service dog,

445
00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:14,189
you piece of shit.

446
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:19,987
And that comes from how
you raise your kids.

447
00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:20,904
I was raised old school.

448
00:21:20,904 --> 00:21:22,614
Can you imagine me walking home from school,

449
00:21:22,614 --> 00:21:24,074
go in to my house,

450
00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:26,868
and my father asked me how my
day was, and I meow at him?

451
00:21:28,704 --> 00:21:30,580
Can you imagine?

452
00:21:30,580 --> 00:21:33,000
"Hey, what's up son?
How was school?"

453
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,167
[meows]

454
00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:44,469
"I said, how was school?"

455
00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:45,637
[meows]

456
00:21:49,057 --> 00:21:50,183
Oh, you a cat?

457
00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:52,769
Oh, that's a beautiful, do it again.

458
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:53,895
[meows]

459
00:21:53,895 --> 00:21:56,565
Awe, come here. Lemme show you something.

460
00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:57,399
Come here. No, come here.

461
00:21:57,399 --> 00:22:00,986
I wanna show you something outside.

462
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:04,239
Now you stray, cat, you piece of shit.

463
00:22:10,954 --> 00:22:11,872
So stupid, man.

464
00:22:15,333 --> 00:22:17,419
Scary times, man.

465
00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,254
And it's tough enough raising kids.

466
00:22:19,755 --> 00:22:20,797
It's tough.

467
00:22:20,797 --> 00:22:22,591
It's tough, man. My kids are like me.

468
00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:23,884
My daughter repeats everything.

469
00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:27,054
So I gotta watch what I say constantly.

470
00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:28,388
Constantly.

471
00:22:28,388 --> 00:22:31,058
And I gotta watch what my dad says to her,

472
00:22:31,058 --> 00:22:32,642
'cause my dad slips a lot,

473
00:22:32,642 --> 00:22:35,520
and he don't realize
what he's saying, okay?

474
00:22:35,937 --> 00:22:37,898
Couple of weeks ago, he's at my house,

475
00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:39,399
he's in the pool with the kids.

476
00:22:39,399 --> 00:22:40,275
I come outside.

477
00:22:40,275 --> 00:22:41,193
I'm like, "Dad, you need anything?"

478
00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:44,738
"No, I'm having a good
time with my grandkids."

479
00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:46,531
So my daughter's in the deep end, right?

480
00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:47,449
Well, it's kind of-

481
00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:48,575
I call it an Italian deep end,

482
00:22:48,575 --> 00:22:50,410
It's five and a half feet, right?

483
00:22:53,288 --> 00:22:54,122
I can dive.

484
00:22:54,122 --> 00:22:55,082
I don't care about anyone else.

485
00:22:55,082 --> 00:22:56,291
It's my pool.

486
00:22:58,668 --> 00:23:01,880
My father is on the
steps in the shallow end.

487
00:23:02,380 --> 00:23:03,799
My daughter goes, "Nonno,

488
00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:05,550
can you come into the deep end with me?"

489
00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:07,677
He goes, "No, I'm comfortable over here."

490
00:23:07,677 --> 00:23:09,096
I said, "Nonno can't swim."

491
00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:10,305
He goes, "Who told you that?"

492
00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:11,640
I said, "My childhood."

493
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:14,392
[audience laughing]

494
00:23:14,392 --> 00:23:15,227
I wasn't allowed

495
00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:17,437
to go in the water past
here on your thighs.

496
00:23:18,605 --> 00:23:19,439
He goes, "Oh yeah?

497
00:23:19,439 --> 00:23:21,441
Watch this, tough guy."

498
00:23:21,441 --> 00:23:23,735
Goes underwater, swims
sideways to the other wall.

499
00:23:23,735 --> 00:23:26,446
Sideways though, not the
length of the pool, comes up,

500
00:23:26,446 --> 00:23:28,865
"How you think I got
over here, I take a Uber?"

501
00:23:33,328 --> 00:23:35,539
I said, "Very good, now
swim to your granddaughter."

502
00:23:35,539 --> 00:23:36,206
I can't.

503
00:23:36,206 --> 00:23:37,833
I know, 'cause you can't swim.

504
00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:38,750
Just admit it.

505
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:41,169
Anthony, the
problem is not I can't swim.

506
00:23:41,169 --> 00:23:42,754
I cannot breathe underwater.

507
00:23:46,216 --> 00:23:47,259
That's not swimming.

508
00:23:49,052 --> 00:23:50,137
So I go inside

509
00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:53,223
and all of a sudden my wife
sees him on the Ring Camera,

510
00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:54,558
goes, "Ant, you gotta go outside."

511
00:23:54,558 --> 00:23:55,517
I said, "Why?"

512
00:23:55,517 --> 00:23:58,061
He's teaching Gabriela how to swim.

513
00:23:59,729 --> 00:24:01,064
Mind you, my daughter's been in swim class

514
00:24:01,064 --> 00:24:01,898
since she was two.

515
00:24:01,898 --> 00:24:03,358
She's like a fucking dolphin in the water.

516
00:24:03,358 --> 00:24:05,152
He's gonna erase all that.

517
00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:08,989
So I run outside and I
see him with his arms out.

518
00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:11,158
She's laying across his arms

519
00:24:11,158 --> 00:24:13,743
and he's going, "Okay, kick your feet now.

520
00:24:13,743 --> 00:24:16,204
Beautiful, kick, kick,
kick, kick, kick, kick.

521
00:24:17,330 --> 00:24:19,332
Yeah, kick, kick, kick.

522
00:24:19,332 --> 00:24:22,878
Okay, now move your arms
like doggy style."

523
00:24:28,091 --> 00:24:29,593
I said, "What'd you just say?"

524
00:24:30,635 --> 00:24:32,345
I'm teaching your daughter how to swim?

525
00:24:32,345 --> 00:24:34,306
Yeah, no, no, no. What'd you
tell her to do with her arms?

526
00:24:34,306 --> 00:24:36,641
Doggy style, that make you swim.

527
00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:40,145
No, doggy paddle makes you swim.

528
00:24:40,145 --> 00:24:43,148
Doggy style is how I made her, okay?

529
00:24:46,109 --> 00:24:48,111
I said, "Gabriela, get inside the house."

530
00:24:49,905 --> 00:24:52,616
Kids are tough, man. You
try to give 'em everything.

531
00:24:52,616 --> 00:24:53,700
But I'm learning.

532
00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:56,077
I'm learning certain things are
not worth it, like vacation.

533
00:24:56,077 --> 00:24:57,704
Not worth going on
vacation with little kids.

534
00:24:57,704 --> 00:25:00,332
It's not worth it. They shouldn't
even call it a vacation.

535
00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:02,584
They should call it an
aggravation relocation.

536
00:25:04,711 --> 00:25:06,588
'Cause all you're doing is
taking the aggravation you deal

537
00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:07,672
with at home and you're bringing it closer

538
00:25:07,672 --> 00:25:10,508
to the equator, that's it.

539
00:25:10,508 --> 00:25:13,053
And you're paying for it.
That's the funny thing.

540
00:25:13,053 --> 00:25:14,471
You pay for it.

541
00:25:16,973 --> 00:25:18,808
I also didn't know you can't get laid

542
00:25:18,808 --> 00:25:20,644
when you take little kids away.

543
00:25:20,644 --> 00:25:22,437
I don't know why, but every time you're

544
00:25:22,437 --> 00:25:23,939
in the mood, who can't sleep?

545
00:25:23,939 --> 00:25:25,440
Who's having nightmares?

546
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,776
I even got a two-bedroom suite
when we went away.

547
00:25:27,776 --> 00:25:29,069
Two-bedroom suite.

548
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:31,488
We went to The Bahamas,
right? Beautiful resort.

549
00:25:31,488 --> 00:25:33,448
I just didn't like the layout.
Didn't like the layout.

550
00:25:33,448 --> 00:25:34,950
Didn't appreciate the layout.

551
00:25:34,950 --> 00:25:37,869
They had the singles resort
right next to the family resort.

552
00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:39,788
And you had to walk past the singles pool

553
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:42,791
to get to the family pool
filled with piss, okay?

554
00:25:44,459 --> 00:25:47,045
On my vacation, I don't need a glimpse of

555
00:25:47,045 --> 00:25:49,339
what my life could've been like, okay?

556
00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:50,924
All right?

557
00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:53,677
See a bunch of people sitting there

558
00:25:53,677 --> 00:25:58,223
with no FUPA, full metabolism,
dancing around, happy.

559
00:25:58,223 --> 00:26:00,642
They look like they all
got laid the night before.

560
00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:03,478
Girls are on guys' shoulders
having chicken fights.

561
00:26:03,478 --> 00:26:04,771
My wife's like, "We
can do chicken fights."

562
00:26:04,771 --> 00:26:05,605
I'm like, "After two kids,

563
00:26:05,605 --> 00:26:06,648
you got no control of your bladder.

564
00:26:06,648 --> 00:26:09,109
You're gonna piss right down
the center of my back."

565
00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:11,611
One bounce, boom, right
down the center of my back.

566
00:26:15,657 --> 00:26:18,034
But I wouldn't mind if I got laid.

567
00:26:18,034 --> 00:26:19,411
Every night, I struck out.

568
00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:22,205
Finally, the last day she
wakes me up at 7:00 AM,

569
00:26:22,205 --> 00:26:24,582
"Hey, you wanna have sex
before the kids wake up?"

570
00:26:24,582 --> 00:26:26,501
You thought you had to ask?

571
00:26:28,837 --> 00:26:29,796
All these years we've been together,

572
00:26:29,796 --> 00:26:31,047
have you ever asked me for sex and I said,

573
00:26:31,047 --> 00:26:31,965
"Mm, no, not tonight,

574
00:26:31,965 --> 00:26:33,675
I have a headache"?

575
00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,176
My back hurts. My legs hurt.

576
00:26:35,176 --> 00:26:36,761
My wrist hurt. My nose hurts.

577
00:26:36,761 --> 00:26:38,388
My hair hurts. It's raining out.

578
00:26:38,388 --> 00:26:39,222
It's snowing out.

579
00:26:39,222 --> 00:26:41,016
It's dry out. It's humid out.

580
00:26:41,016 --> 00:26:42,058
My mom doesn't feel good.

581
00:26:42,058 --> 00:26:43,935
My father lost his job. My
best friend got a divorce.

582
00:26:43,935 --> 00:26:46,396
I watched something scary on
TV. I had too much ice cream.

583
00:26:46,396 --> 00:26:47,522
I'm bloated. I have my period.

584
00:26:47,522 --> 00:26:49,316
Have I ever said any
of those things to you?

585
00:26:53,236 --> 00:26:55,030
You women don't need to seduce your men.

586
00:26:55,030 --> 00:26:57,032
You don't need romantic music.
You don't need candlelight.

587
00:26:57,032 --> 00:26:57,866
All you gotta do is look at 'em.

588
00:26:57,866 --> 00:26:58,283
Wanna fuck?

589
00:26:58,283 --> 00:26:58,658
Yep.

590
00:27:00,493 --> 00:27:01,536
Yep.

591
00:27:03,079 --> 00:27:03,913
So I said, "Let's go."

592
00:27:03,913 --> 00:27:05,582
She goes, "Okay, keep your clothes on.

593
00:27:05,582 --> 00:27:07,792
No need to get undressed. The
kids are gonna be up soon.

594
00:27:07,792 --> 00:27:09,169
You have to make it quick."

595
00:27:10,045 --> 00:27:11,004
I said, "Okay."

596
00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:13,923
She don't even know. She
just activated rush mode.

597
00:27:13,923 --> 00:27:15,633
I have two modes when it comes to sex.

598
00:27:15,633 --> 00:27:17,427
All night mode, that's
when I know the kids

599
00:27:17,427 --> 00:27:19,387
are either sleeping out, I'm
not gonna get interrupted.

600
00:27:19,387 --> 00:27:20,847
I can do everything I wanna do.

601
00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:22,682
I can have it all about her.

602
00:27:22,682 --> 00:27:25,018
I can get the hips involved.

603
00:27:27,395 --> 00:27:29,022
I can raise my leg on different levels

604
00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:31,733
to change the angle of insertion.

605
00:27:31,733 --> 00:27:36,363
I can get scuba gear on, go
deep sea diving for a bit.

606
00:27:36,363 --> 00:27:38,615
But rush mode, I don't
even care that she's there.

607
00:27:40,325 --> 00:27:42,911
My eyes are closed the
whole time. I don't care.

608
00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:44,037
I got one goal in mind

609
00:27:44,037 --> 00:27:46,247
and that's to finish
as quickly as possible

610
00:27:46,247 --> 00:27:48,708
and go on with the rest of my day, okay?

611
00:27:48,708 --> 00:27:49,667
And I'm telling you right now,

612
00:27:49,667 --> 00:27:51,878
it's not gonna be sexy, romantic, cute.

613
00:27:51,878 --> 00:27:52,629
You might look up and see this.

614
00:27:55,799 --> 00:27:56,925
I don't care.

615
00:27:56,925 --> 00:27:58,927
I know what I look like. I
also know what noises I make.

616
00:27:58,927 --> 00:28:01,346
I sound like the Tasmanian Devil, okay?

617
00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:02,931
[inaudbile noises]

618
00:28:06,601 --> 00:28:08,436
She stops me.

619
00:28:08,436 --> 00:28:10,897
She goes, "Stop, stop, stop, stop."

620
00:28:10,897 --> 00:28:12,690
I go, "What?"

621
00:28:12,690 --> 00:28:14,317
What are you doing? I'm trying to finish.

622
00:28:14,317 --> 00:28:15,276
I wanna finish too.

623
00:28:15,276 --> 00:28:16,361
We don't have time for that.

624
00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:19,155
I'll get you when we go back home.

625
00:28:20,490 --> 00:28:21,783
She goes, "At least gimme a chance."

626
00:28:21,783 --> 00:28:23,451
I said, "How am I not giving you a chance?

627
00:28:23,451 --> 00:28:24,828
She goes, "You're going so hard and fast,

628
00:28:24,828 --> 00:28:25,912
you're making the headboard hit the wall.

629
00:28:25,912 --> 00:28:27,414
It's gonna wake up the kids.

630
00:28:27,414 --> 00:28:28,623
They're gonna wake up sooner.

631
00:28:28,623 --> 00:28:30,792
Plus you're talking a lot,
Ant. I don't need instructions.

632
00:28:30,792 --> 00:28:31,543
Shut up.

633
00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:33,336
And I'm gonna keep telling you,

634
00:28:33,336 --> 00:28:35,171
stop putting my legs all the way back.

635
00:28:35,171 --> 00:28:37,799
I'm not flexible. Do you not understand?"

636
00:28:38,925 --> 00:28:40,927
I said, "I understand."

637
00:28:40,927 --> 00:28:43,263
but I get confused because
then sometimes I'll walk past

638
00:28:43,263 --> 00:28:44,389
the bathroom and I'll see you sitting

639
00:28:44,389 --> 00:28:46,891
on the shower floor shaving
the back of your thighs

640
00:28:46,891 --> 00:28:48,685
with your fucking leg back here.

641
00:28:53,356 --> 00:28:54,732
I didn't know that was
only for the shower.

642
00:28:56,317 --> 00:28:57,193
I said, "But no problem.

643
00:28:57,193 --> 00:28:58,778
If I have to do that, I'll do that.

644
00:28:58,778 --> 00:28:59,821
Okay? I won't go hard.

645
00:28:59,821 --> 00:29:00,697
I won't go fast.

646
00:29:00,697 --> 00:29:02,407
I won't talk and I won't touch you."

647
00:29:02,407 --> 00:29:04,200
She goes, "Thank you."

648
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:05,577
I looked like I was shivering.

649
00:29:20,049 --> 00:29:23,094
I almost get there. I'm
almost at the finish line.

650
00:29:23,094 --> 00:29:25,430
I make the mistake to look to my left,

651
00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:27,223
three-year-old son standing
there the whole time.

652
00:29:30,518 --> 00:29:33,771
Why don't kids say anything
unless you make eye contact?

653
00:29:33,771 --> 00:29:34,731
What is that about?

654
00:29:35,565 --> 00:29:37,108
The kid's standing there like a zombie.

655
00:29:40,403 --> 00:29:42,238
Now I'm almost there. I'm not stopping.

656
00:29:42,238 --> 00:29:44,073
It puts me in a bad mood.

657
00:29:44,073 --> 00:29:47,202
So I gotta continue to
go and talk to my son,

658
00:29:47,202 --> 00:29:48,036
"What's up Luca?

659
00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:51,748
What's the matter, bro, you can't sleep?"

660
00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:52,624
Now he's getting mad,

661
00:29:52,624 --> 00:29:53,666
'cause I'm doing something to his mom,

662
00:29:53,666 --> 00:29:54,959
and he don't know what it is.

663
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:58,296
"What are you doing to my mommy, daddy?"

664
00:29:58,296 --> 00:29:59,088
I'm dancing.

665
00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:01,716
That was the dumbest shit I could've said.

666
00:30:01,716 --> 00:30:03,218
He loves to dance.

667
00:30:04,135 --> 00:30:05,136
The kid jumped on my back,

668
00:30:05,136 --> 00:30:06,638
started doing the same shit to me.

669
00:30:09,057 --> 00:30:11,100
Thank God he had pajamas on.

670
00:30:11,100 --> 00:30:12,060
Got me in a bear hug.

671
00:30:12,060 --> 00:30:13,686
"Good morning, Daddy.

672
00:30:15,104 --> 00:30:16,731
Am I doing okay, Daddy?"

673
00:30:17,857 --> 00:30:20,068
My wife looked up at
me, she goes, "Anthony?"

674
00:30:20,068 --> 00:30:21,945
I go, "Oh my God, I forgot, I'm sorry.

675
00:30:21,945 --> 00:30:23,196
Luca, you can't go hard,

676
00:30:23,196 --> 00:30:25,073
You can't go fast. You can't..."

677
00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:30,954
I was finishing.

678
00:30:36,751 --> 00:30:39,837
It is not easy to be married to me, boy.

679
00:30:39,837 --> 00:30:43,049
I got an imagination, smart ass attitude.

680
00:30:43,049 --> 00:30:44,342
But whatever, man. You
gotta make fun of it.

681
00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:46,261
Listen, marriage is marriage, man.

682
00:30:46,261 --> 00:30:47,554
It'll be 10 years for me next year

683
00:30:47,554 --> 00:30:49,389
and I don't think I'm
gonna make it, don't clap.

684
00:30:50,974 --> 00:30:52,308
Don't clap, woo!

685
00:30:54,143 --> 00:30:56,771
Like I just graduated fat camp,
it's fucking marriage.

686
00:30:58,064 --> 00:30:59,190
She already has a plan, "Oh my God,

687
00:30:59,190 --> 00:31:00,900
can we go to Aruba on
our 10-year anniversary,

688
00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:02,902
invite our family and renew
our vows on the beach?"

689
00:31:02,902 --> 00:31:05,029
I go, "Yeah, do I have
to give the same answer?"

690
00:31:07,865 --> 00:31:09,742
I don't know how it works.
If I say no, am I free to go?

691
00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:16,749
But marriage is very similar
for a lot of us, man.

692
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:18,960
You know, the only people that
have a really good marriage

693
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:21,754
are the people that lie about
it on social media, okay?

694
00:31:21,754 --> 00:31:24,132
Like the Valentine's
Day posts, I love those.

695
00:31:24,132 --> 00:31:26,259
This is my forever, my only.

696
00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:29,596
The air I breathe. Oh, bullshit.

697
00:31:30,847 --> 00:31:31,973
All you women show your husband,

698
00:31:31,973 --> 00:31:33,266
"Look at these fucking liars.

699
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:34,142
Look at that.

700
00:31:35,059 --> 00:31:36,352
Guy looks at it, "Yeah, I know for

701
00:31:36,352 --> 00:31:38,563
a fact he's got three
goomars, that's bullshit."

702
00:31:40,565 --> 00:31:41,858
And I hate Valentine's, man.

703
00:31:41,858 --> 00:31:43,651
Valentine's Day is a made up holiday

704
00:31:43,651 --> 00:31:44,819
and all the single people get mad

705
00:31:44,819 --> 00:31:46,112
at the people that have someone,

706
00:31:46,112 --> 00:31:48,156
so you guys try to post online to fuck us.

707
00:31:48,948 --> 00:31:50,742
My wife looked at me, she was
on the couch on Valentine's.

708
00:31:50,742 --> 00:31:51,576
She goes, "Oh my God, d'you see this?

709
00:31:51,576 --> 00:31:52,660
D'you see this meme?"

710
00:31:52,660 --> 00:31:53,494
I go, "What is it?"

711
00:31:53,494 --> 00:31:55,163
It says if you trust your spouse,

712
00:31:55,163 --> 00:31:57,123
trade cell phones for the day.

713
00:32:03,463 --> 00:32:04,672
No.

714
00:32:06,507 --> 00:32:07,884
She goes, "You wouldn't
trade phones for the day?"

715
00:32:07,884 --> 00:32:10,928
No, I wouldn't trade phone for an hour.

716
00:32:12,180 --> 00:32:15,308
Right away, she goes, "Who's the bitch?"

717
00:32:15,308 --> 00:32:16,934
I said, "Why has it
always gotta be a woman?"

718
00:32:16,934 --> 00:32:18,269
I said, "Actually, it's not a woman.

719
00:32:18,269 --> 00:32:20,521
It's 10 times worse."

720
00:32:20,521 --> 00:32:21,481
She goes, "What are you talking about?"

721
00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:22,565
I said, Michelle,

722
00:32:22,565 --> 00:32:26,402
I'm in group chats with
my friends and cousins

723
00:32:26,402 --> 00:32:30,573
and we send each other the sickest shit,

724
00:32:30,573 --> 00:32:31,741
that if you saw it,

725
00:32:31,741 --> 00:32:34,369
you'd probably try to get
the kids taken away from me."

726
00:32:35,536 --> 00:32:36,913
There's times I look at it, I'm going,

727
00:32:36,913 --> 00:32:38,539
"What the am I doing in here?"

728
00:32:40,917 --> 00:32:43,753
She didn't believe me,
so I gave her my phone.

729
00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:45,421
I said, "Here's a group
chat that's been going

730
00:32:45,421 --> 00:32:46,964
for two years.

731
00:32:46,964 --> 00:32:49,592
It's five of my boys, five of my cousins.

732
00:32:49,592 --> 00:32:52,679
Have at it. Don't judge me."

733
00:32:54,180 --> 00:32:56,557
The first video,

734
00:32:56,557 --> 00:33:00,061
she looked, she goes, "Oh my god."

735
00:33:00,061 --> 00:33:03,690
It's my cousin Marco, 295
pounds, covered in tattoos,

736
00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:05,900
standing in front of
his sink in the bathroom

737
00:33:05,900 --> 00:33:07,985
with his dick tucked in between his legs.

738
00:33:12,156 --> 00:33:13,449
Behind him on the mirror,

739
00:33:13,449 --> 00:33:16,452
written in steam is, "Be my Valentine."

740
00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:21,124
And you know he put work into it

741
00:33:21,124 --> 00:33:23,000
because he had to write that shit backwards,

742
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:24,502
so you were able to read it.

743
00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:26,671
And then you hit 'Play'

744
00:33:26,671 --> 00:33:29,924
and he goes, "Put the
lotion in the basket."

745
00:33:32,969 --> 00:33:34,220
I said, "You think that's bad?

746
00:33:34,220 --> 00:33:35,722
Stop scrolling right now."

747
00:33:36,973 --> 00:33:40,601
Then she scrolls down and she
goes, "I knew it, you pervert.

748
00:33:40,601 --> 00:33:43,062
Who's the girl taking a shower
with the phenomenal ass?"

749
00:33:43,062 --> 00:33:45,356
I said, "Watch the video until the end."

750
00:33:45,356 --> 00:33:46,232
She goes,

751
00:33:46,232 --> 00:33:47,066
"Ah!"

752
00:33:47,066 --> 00:33:49,068
Same sound I made when I found out she had a dick.

753
00:33:49,068 --> 00:33:49,902
Same sound.

754
00:33:52,155 --> 00:33:53,156
The only difference is I watched

755
00:33:53,156 --> 00:33:55,408
it seven more times, but same sound.

756
00:33:58,327 --> 00:34:01,247
Then she scrolls down to the good stuff.

757
00:34:01,247 --> 00:34:04,459
And I know she found, what I know she found

758
00:34:04,459 --> 00:34:06,127
because her eyes kept
getting wider.

759
00:34:06,127 --> 00:34:07,503
She's going,

760
00:34:10,423 --> 00:34:12,675
"What the fuck is wrong with you people?"

761
00:34:12,675 --> 00:34:14,552
I go, "What are you looking at?"

762
00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:16,637
Why do you all send each
other's pictures of your shit

763
00:34:16,637 --> 00:34:17,472
in the toilet?

764
00:34:20,933 --> 00:34:23,478
I said, "I got a perfect
explanation for that, okay?

765
00:34:23,478 --> 00:34:26,731
First of all, we don't just
send a picture of our shit.

766
00:34:26,731 --> 00:34:28,149
It has to look like a letter."

767
00:34:34,238 --> 00:34:36,699
Every morning between the hours of 7:00 AM

768
00:34:36,699 --> 00:34:39,660
and 10:00 AM, everyone in
the chat drops a deuce.

769
00:34:40,411 --> 00:34:41,579
If it looks like a letter

770
00:34:41,579 --> 00:34:43,664
and only if it looks like a letter,

771
00:34:43,664 --> 00:34:45,458
you send it into the chat

772
00:34:46,125 --> 00:34:48,336
and then you have until noon to make

773
00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:50,463
as many words with the letters given.

774
00:34:53,841 --> 00:34:55,510
We call it shitty Scrabble.

775
00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:00,097
The person with the most words doesn't pay

776
00:35:00,097 --> 00:35:01,390
for golf the next week.

777
00:35:01,390 --> 00:35:03,851
I don't know if you care.
I'm a three-time champion.

778
00:35:06,729 --> 00:35:08,648
She goes, "How do you even a letter, Ant?

779
00:35:08,648 --> 00:35:09,982
How do you make it look like a letter?"

780
00:35:09,982 --> 00:35:12,443
Well, there's a lot of work
that goes into it, Michelle.

781
00:35:12,443 --> 00:35:14,278
Okay, diet has a lot to do with it.

782
00:35:15,154 --> 00:35:16,739
You gotta make sure it comes out soft

783
00:35:16,739 --> 00:35:18,199
and then you learn to use your ass like

784
00:35:18,199 --> 00:35:19,784
a soft serve ice cream machine.

785
00:35:21,244 --> 00:35:23,329
You have to lift a little off the bowl.

786
00:35:23,704 --> 00:35:27,542
She goes, "Is that you
with the capital letter Q?"

787
00:35:28,501 --> 00:35:29,710
I said, "How did you know that was me?"

788
00:35:29,710 --> 00:35:31,754
"I recognize the tiles in the background.

789
00:35:32,505 --> 00:35:34,298
How did you do a Q?"

790
00:35:34,298 --> 00:35:36,092
Ya know, a lot of coordination.

791
00:35:36,092 --> 00:35:38,010
You know, you gotta lift
up a little, just...

792
00:35:44,475 --> 00:35:45,768
Never touched my phone again.

793
00:35:47,270 --> 00:35:49,355
But, listen, a lot of you women
worry about the same shit.

794
00:35:49,355 --> 00:35:51,607
Like you women think that if
you let your husband go out,

795
00:35:51,607 --> 00:35:53,568
that women just attack him nonstop.

796
00:35:53,568 --> 00:35:54,777
My wife thinks that.

797
00:35:54,777 --> 00:35:57,280
She thinks I get attacked by
vagina nonstop every time.

798
00:35:57,280 --> 00:35:58,406
I step off a plane

799
00:35:58,406 --> 00:36:01,325
and just women run up to me,
touch it, touch it, touch it.

800
00:36:02,159 --> 00:36:03,202
And I'm sitting there fighting it off.

801
00:36:03,202 --> 00:36:04,078
No!

802
00:36:04,620 --> 00:36:05,496
No!

803
00:36:07,748 --> 00:36:08,916
I go, it's not that easy.

804
00:36:08,916 --> 00:36:10,251
What do you think, a bunch
of women are going out going,

805
00:36:10,251 --> 00:36:11,711
"I'm telling you right now, ladies,

806
00:36:11,711 --> 00:36:14,297
the first Italian I see
5'6 with love handles,

807
00:36:14,297 --> 00:36:15,464
I'm banging the shit out of him."

808
00:36:20,469 --> 00:36:22,555
I said to her though,
"Here's my problem with that.

809
00:36:22,555 --> 00:36:23,764
You look at me

810
00:36:23,764 --> 00:36:26,976
and you see something irresistible
that every woman wants

811
00:36:26,976 --> 00:36:29,103
to have sex with except you,

812
00:36:29,103 --> 00:36:30,771
how's that possible?

813
00:36:32,523 --> 00:36:33,608
If I'm so irresistible,

814
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:36,235
how is it so easy for
you to go, 'Mm get off'?"

815
00:36:40,656 --> 00:36:43,367
She gets worried though,
man. I'm on the road a lot.

816
00:36:43,367 --> 00:36:45,578
Went to Vegas a couple months ago.

817
00:36:45,578 --> 00:36:46,704
She was like, "Behave."

818
00:36:47,371 --> 00:36:47,914
I said, "What do you mean?"

819
00:36:47,914 --> 00:36:49,957
Behave, don't do anything stupid.

820
00:36:50,291 --> 00:36:51,667
I said, "Well, after
nine years of marriage,

821
00:36:51,667 --> 00:36:53,586
we've established that we
have different definitions

822
00:36:53,586 --> 00:36:55,504
of stupid, okay?

823
00:36:55,504 --> 00:36:57,089
'Cause I just went on a golf trip

824
00:36:57,089 --> 00:36:59,300
and on the third hole, we
took chocolate mushrooms,

825
00:36:59,300 --> 00:37:00,635
and by the ninth hole,

826
00:37:00,635 --> 00:37:02,762
we were doing snow
angels in the sand trap.

827
00:37:04,388 --> 00:37:06,140
You thought that was stupid.

828
00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:07,808
I thought time of my life."

829
00:37:11,395 --> 00:37:14,148
She goes, "You know what the fuck I mean."

830
00:37:14,148 --> 00:37:16,567
So I'm sitting in Vegas.
I have a show that night.

831
00:37:16,567 --> 00:37:18,110
I'm sitting at the
blackjack table two o'clock

832
00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:21,489
in the afternoon and I
look on the casino floor

833
00:37:21,489 --> 00:37:24,367
and I see a woman walking
onto the casino floor,

834
00:37:24,367 --> 00:37:26,410
one of the hottest women
I've ever seen in my life.

835
00:37:26,410 --> 00:37:31,415
Black hair, blue eyes,
sick body, Lululemon pants.

836
00:37:31,415 --> 00:37:32,625
Oh, my weakness.

837
00:37:34,418 --> 00:37:37,713
She's looking right at me
with a stuck smile on her face

838
00:37:37,713 --> 00:37:39,048
and coming right towards me just.

839
00:37:42,093 --> 00:37:45,721
Now, fellas, you know when you see a woman

840
00:37:45,721 --> 00:37:49,809
that's a 12 smiling at
you, walking towards you,

841
00:37:49,809 --> 00:37:52,812
you're thinking what every
other married guy is thinking.

842
00:37:52,812 --> 00:37:54,814
This bitch knows my
wife. I'm being set up.

843
00:37:57,233 --> 00:37:59,026
That's not normal. I don't pull 12's.

844
00:37:59,026 --> 00:38:00,903
7.5's maybe, not 12's.

845
00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:03,364
Occasionally a 9, not 12's.

846
00:38:03,364 --> 00:38:05,700
Girl's got no body fat, no FUPA, nothing.

847
00:38:07,451 --> 00:38:08,703
Comes up to me, sits down.

848
00:38:09,161 --> 00:38:09,996
She goes, "How you doing?"

849
00:38:09,996 --> 00:38:10,830
I go, "Good. How's my wife?

850
00:38:10,830 --> 00:38:11,622
You talk to her recently?"

851
00:38:14,083 --> 00:38:14,917
She goes, "I don't know your wife.

852
00:38:14,917 --> 00:38:15,751
Is that you on the poster?"

853
00:38:15,751 --> 00:38:16,752
I said, "It is."

854
00:38:16,752 --> 00:38:17,420
You have a show tonight?

855
00:38:17,420 --> 00:38:18,087
I do.

856
00:38:18,087 --> 00:38:18,629
Can I come?

857
00:38:18,629 --> 00:38:19,297
You can.

858
00:38:20,297 --> 00:38:21,507
She goes, "What are you
doing before the show?"

859
00:38:21,507 --> 00:38:23,884
Just play a little blackjack.
Gonna go upstairs, take a nap.

860
00:38:23,884 --> 00:38:25,761
She goes, "Maybe I should come with you."

861
00:38:26,595 --> 00:38:29,765
I said, "You sure you don't know my wife?"

862
00:38:29,765 --> 00:38:30,599
She's like, "No."

863
00:38:30,599 --> 00:38:32,643
I said, "Mm I'm good. This
seems a little weird."

864
00:38:32,643 --> 00:38:33,602
She goes, "Well, I can assure you

865
00:38:33,602 --> 00:38:34,895
if you let me come upstairs with you,

866
00:38:34,895 --> 00:38:36,981
it'll be the best $4,000
you've ever spent."

867
00:38:39,025 --> 00:38:40,026
Oh, you're working.

868
00:38:40,943 --> 00:38:42,611
I'm sorry did you say 4,000?

869
00:38:42,611 --> 00:38:43,446
She goes, "Yeah."

870
00:38:43,446 --> 00:38:44,655
That's like $1,000 dollars a minute.

871
00:38:44,655 --> 00:38:45,281
I'm not stupid.

872
00:38:48,034 --> 00:38:49,201
And that's if I last four minutes.

873
00:38:49,201 --> 00:38:50,411
If I last two minutes,
that's $2,000 a minute.

874
00:38:50,411 --> 00:38:52,621
It's even worse.

875
00:38:52,621 --> 00:38:53,456
I said, "I'm good, sweetheart.

876
00:38:53,456 --> 00:38:54,290
Thank you so much,

877
00:38:54,290 --> 00:38:55,791
but I cannot sleep with
an escort, I'm good."

878
00:38:55,791 --> 00:38:56,709
She goes, "Okay, no problem.

879
00:38:56,709 --> 00:38:58,377
But I just wanna inform you

880
00:38:58,377 --> 00:39:01,464
that it's 2023 and we no longer enjoy

881
00:39:01,464 --> 00:39:03,758
or appreciate the word escort.

882
00:39:03,758 --> 00:39:06,844
We like to go by, 'Woman of the Night.'"

883
00:39:06,844 --> 00:39:08,220
I said, "Oh, okay.

884
00:39:08,220 --> 00:39:11,474
I'd like to inform you, it's
two o'clock in the afternoon,

885
00:39:11,474 --> 00:39:13,225
so I'm gonna call you a midday puttana."

886
00:39:21,233 --> 00:39:22,568
I tell my wife this story.

887
00:39:22,568 --> 00:39:24,487
She listens to the whole
thing and goes, "Yeah, okay.

888
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:26,572
You probably fucked her."

889
00:39:27,990 --> 00:39:28,866
Can't win, man.

890
00:39:29,909 --> 00:39:31,869
But marriage is a challenge
and a lot of things change.

891
00:39:31,869 --> 00:39:33,120
A lot of things change.

892
00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:35,498
And you find out how different
you are along the way.

893
00:39:35,498 --> 00:39:37,875
Like we know men and women
are different, right?

894
00:39:37,875 --> 00:39:39,960
Men are just, like, listen,
if your husband's an asshole,

895
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:41,212
he's probably a 6-year-old asshole.

896
00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:42,379
We don't change much.

897
00:39:42,379 --> 00:39:44,882
But you women do things on purpose,

898
00:39:44,882 --> 00:39:46,467
so you don't do them like us.

899
00:39:46,467 --> 00:39:48,177
And some things are not
meant to be changed.

900
00:39:48,177 --> 00:39:51,305
Some things are meant to be
done naturally, like farting.

901
00:39:51,305 --> 00:39:52,765
Just do it.

902
00:39:52,765 --> 00:39:55,559
Stop changing it. It's dangerous, okay?

903
00:39:55,559 --> 00:39:57,728
Every guy in this entire
theater farts exactly

904
00:39:57,728 --> 00:39:58,771
the same, right?

905
00:39:58,771 --> 00:39:59,605
Same sound.

906
00:39:59,605 --> 00:40:00,231
[fart noise]

907
00:40:01,232 --> 00:40:01,816
[bigger fart noise]

908
00:40:03,025 --> 00:40:04,402
We get happy the louder it is.

909
00:40:04,402 --> 00:40:06,028
We get really happy the smellier it is.

910
00:40:06,028 --> 00:40:07,530
I don't know why, right?

911
00:40:07,530 --> 00:40:10,032
You ever wanna share your
fart with someone, right?

912
00:40:10,032 --> 00:40:12,535
You go, "Yo, bro, open your mouth."

913
00:40:17,998 --> 00:40:20,459
I smell my fart all the time. Love it.

914
00:40:20,459 --> 00:40:22,044
What I don't get is why do we smell it?

915
00:40:22,044 --> 00:40:23,462
Smells like shit. Almost throw up.

916
00:40:23,462 --> 00:40:25,714
Smell it again. I don't know why that is.

917
00:40:25,714 --> 00:40:26,590
You're driving in your car.

918
00:40:26,590 --> 00:40:27,091
[small fart noise]

919
00:40:33,264 --> 00:40:34,849
Now I know what a lot of
you women are thinking.

920
00:40:34,849 --> 00:40:36,851
That's nasty. That is nasty.

921
00:40:36,851 --> 00:40:38,227
You smell your fart? Yep.

922
00:40:38,227 --> 00:40:40,062
And during the pandemic, it was helpful.

923
00:40:40,062 --> 00:40:42,398
I did it for you people, okay?

924
00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:43,649
Every day I would leave my house,

925
00:40:43,649 --> 00:40:45,484
I would fart and smell it first,

926
00:40:45,484 --> 00:40:47,236
'cause I knew if I smelled
it, I didn't have COVID.

927
00:40:47,236 --> 00:40:48,529
I knew that.

928
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:51,782
I gave myself a little rapid test

929
00:40:51,782 --> 00:40:52,783
before I left the house.

930
00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:54,618
Every day.

931
00:40:56,162 --> 00:40:57,496
Protect thy neighbor.

932
00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:01,125
But here's the thing about farting

933
00:41:01,125 --> 00:41:02,126
that you women don't realize.

934
00:41:02,126 --> 00:41:03,961
That noise that we make that you hate,

935
00:41:03,961 --> 00:41:06,797
it means cover your nose, air
quality's about to get bad.

936
00:41:07,464 --> 00:41:09,592
It's respect for you ladies.

937
00:41:09,592 --> 00:41:12,636
Why don't you give us
the same respect, huh?

938
00:41:12,636 --> 00:41:15,931
Bunch of silent-ass assassins.

939
00:41:15,931 --> 00:41:18,434
Yeah, you know what the
fuck I'm talking about.

940
00:41:18,434 --> 00:41:20,519
How does air come outta your
ass at seven miles an hour,

941
00:41:20,519 --> 00:41:22,688
no vibrational sound, how?

942
00:41:24,148 --> 00:41:25,608
My wife almost killed me one night in bed.

943
00:41:25,608 --> 00:41:26,442
I didn't know what to do

944
00:41:26,442 --> 00:41:27,276
'cause I didn't recognize the noise.

945
00:41:27,276 --> 00:41:29,737
You ever look for a noise?

946
00:41:29,737 --> 00:41:33,365
By the time I realized
it, I was almost gone.

947
00:41:33,365 --> 00:41:35,743
11 o'clock, this is the noise I hear.

948
00:41:36,827 --> 00:41:37,661
[pffftt]

949
00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:52,259
She goes, "What's the matter?"

950
00:41:52,259 --> 00:41:54,428
You didn't hear that?

951
00:41:54,428 --> 00:41:55,262
What'd it sound like?

952
00:41:55,262 --> 00:41:56,639
Like Superman just flew over the house.

953
00:41:59,558 --> 00:42:00,684
She goes, "Maybe it was the TV."

954
00:42:00,684 --> 00:42:01,143
Maybe.

955
00:42:02,853 --> 00:42:05,689
10 minutes later,
my eyes started burning.

956
00:42:05,814 --> 00:42:07,233
She must've moved under the blanket

957
00:42:07,233 --> 00:42:09,568
and the air pocket came up.

958
00:42:09,568 --> 00:42:12,279
I'm fucking crying. I'm going,
"What the hell is going on?"

959
00:42:12,988 --> 00:42:14,907
She looks at me with a
straight face, "Oh my God,

960
00:42:14,907 --> 00:42:16,742
I had pasta e fagioli
at my mother's house."

961
00:42:19,036 --> 00:42:19,954
That was you?

962
00:42:19,954 --> 00:42:20,538
Yeah.

963
00:42:21,288 --> 00:42:22,831
The (blows) was you?

964
00:42:22,831 --> 00:42:23,415
Yeah.

965
00:42:23,958 --> 00:42:24,875
Why didn't you say anything?

966
00:42:24,875 --> 00:42:26,168
I didn't think it was gonna smell.

967
00:42:29,338 --> 00:42:31,757
42 years old, this was your first fart?

968
00:42:34,718 --> 00:42:36,428
What're ya gonna do? It's marriage.

969
00:42:37,304 --> 00:42:38,847
Things change. You adapt.

970
00:42:39,473 --> 00:42:41,558
Like sex, sex changes.

971
00:42:41,558 --> 00:42:43,352
Oh, sex changes.

972
00:42:43,352 --> 00:42:44,770
I'm not talking about
how frequently it happens

973
00:42:44,770 --> 00:42:45,980
'cause I like breaks and I like to do it

974
00:42:45,980 --> 00:42:46,981
by myself once in a while.

975
00:42:46,981 --> 00:42:47,815
But it changes.

976
00:42:47,815 --> 00:42:49,858
I'm talking about how it happens.

977
00:42:49,858 --> 00:42:50,651
Very different.

978
00:42:51,151 --> 00:42:51,777
When you dated,

979
00:42:51,777 --> 00:42:53,487
fully naked almost every
time you banged.

980
00:42:53,487 --> 00:42:54,238
Fully naked.

981
00:42:54,238 --> 00:42:56,115
Shoes, socks, pants, everything.

982
00:42:56,115 --> 00:42:57,449
I haven't been naked in eight years.

983
00:42:59,493 --> 00:43:01,245
It's like my wife's
preparing for a fire drill.

984
00:43:01,245 --> 00:43:02,454
Why are we dressed?

985
00:43:03,455 --> 00:43:05,332
Sometimes she'll negotiate with me,

986
00:43:05,332 --> 00:43:07,126
"Hey, I had a long day with the kids,

987
00:43:07,126 --> 00:43:08,919
you mind if I just take one pant leg off?"

988
00:43:10,587 --> 00:43:13,048
With my imagination? No.

989
00:43:13,048 --> 00:43:14,675
In my head, it's gonna feel
like I'm banging someone

990
00:43:14,675 --> 00:43:15,509
that was amputated.

991
00:43:15,509 --> 00:43:16,427
It's gonna fuck me up.

992
00:43:17,344 --> 00:43:18,762
And then I need to know, what
are you gonna do with the leg?

993
00:43:18,762 --> 00:43:20,014
What, are you gonna pin
it up on your thigh like

994
00:43:20,014 --> 00:43:20,848
a war veteran?

995
00:43:23,392 --> 00:43:24,601
I said "Why don't we just cut the crotch

996
00:43:24,601 --> 00:43:26,562
out of all your pajamas, you
just keep everything on?"

997
00:43:27,813 --> 00:43:29,189
And then I came up with a plan.

998
00:43:29,648 --> 00:43:31,317
You guys gotta write this down.

999
00:43:31,317 --> 00:43:32,568
This is gonna save a lot of arguments,

1000
00:43:32,568 --> 00:43:34,236
'cause, ladies, I know.

1001
00:43:34,236 --> 00:43:36,488
I know the one thing you hate is when sex

1002
00:43:36,488 --> 00:43:37,865
is the last thing on your mind

1003
00:43:37,865 --> 00:43:40,409
and this horny bastard wants some, okay?

1004
00:43:40,409 --> 00:43:42,661
I know, but in our defense,

1005
00:43:42,661 --> 00:43:44,038
we don't know when you're horny.

1006
00:43:44,496 --> 00:43:46,081
It's not like God made your nipples flash.

1007
00:43:46,081 --> 00:43:46,749
We don't know.

1008
00:43:47,666 --> 00:43:48,959
It's easy for us.

1009
00:43:48,959 --> 00:43:50,461
We have a tent in our pants.

1010
00:43:51,837 --> 00:43:53,255
So I came up with a plan.

1011
00:43:53,255 --> 00:43:56,967
I'm gonna buy my wife six to
seven pairs of onesie pajamas.

1012
00:43:56,967 --> 00:43:59,053
But the ones with the
little latch that comes down

1013
00:44:00,387 --> 00:44:02,139
and I told her, "When you want it,

1014
00:44:02,139 --> 00:44:03,390
leave that shit open.

1015
00:44:05,684 --> 00:44:07,311
When you don't want it, close up shop.

1016
00:44:07,311 --> 00:44:08,562
I'll sleep in the basement."

1017
00:44:11,607 --> 00:44:12,691
And then sometimes she tries to get me

1018
00:44:12,691 --> 00:44:13,525
to keep my clothes on.

1019
00:44:13,525 --> 00:44:15,694
I don't like that, I like to be naked.

1020
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:17,071
One night she goes,
"Hey, the kids are still out,

1021
00:44:17,071 --> 00:44:17,946
we can do it,

1022
00:44:17,946 --> 00:44:18,947
but leave your T-shirt on

1023
00:44:18,947 --> 00:44:19,948
that way God forbid, they run in,

1024
00:44:19,948 --> 00:44:20,991
you cover up and run out."

1025
00:44:20,991 --> 00:44:22,743
Where? I'm gonna go to
the neighbor's house?

1026
00:44:24,119 --> 00:44:25,537
I'm gonna go watch the
game with penis popper

1027
00:44:25,537 --> 00:44:27,039
with a T-shirt on?

1028
00:44:28,624 --> 00:44:30,125
It wasn't even a T-shirt
that I would wear out,

1029
00:44:30,125 --> 00:44:31,085
it was a house shirt.

1030
00:44:31,085 --> 00:44:32,544
The thing didn't fit me
two and a half years ago.

1031
00:44:32,544 --> 00:44:33,796
It just came to here.

1032
00:44:36,757 --> 00:44:38,217
So I do it. I keep it on.

1033
00:44:38,217 --> 00:44:40,344
I'm behind her trying
to give her my A-game.

1034
00:44:41,220 --> 00:44:43,263
And also trying not to look
at myself in the mirror to see

1035
00:44:43,263 --> 00:44:44,765
what I look like with just a t-shirt on.

1036
00:44:46,016 --> 00:44:46,642
I couldn't help it.

1037
00:44:46,642 --> 00:44:47,434
Stared right in the mirror,

1038
00:44:47,434 --> 00:44:48,519
started laughing my off.

1039
00:44:50,187 --> 00:44:52,481
She turned around and she
goes, "Are you laughing?"

1040
00:44:52,481 --> 00:44:52,940
Uh-huh

1041
00:44:53,232 --> 00:44:54,233
At what?

1042
00:44:54,233 --> 00:44:56,527
I said, "Do you not see our
reflection in the mirror?"

1043
00:44:56,527 --> 00:44:57,361
She goes, "Yeah."

1044
00:44:57,361 --> 00:44:58,278
It doesn't look like you're getting banged by

1045
00:44:58,278 --> 00:44:59,113
Winnie-the-Pooh?

1046
00:45:02,366 --> 00:45:04,785
I felt like I should be holding
a jar of honey in my arms.

1047
00:45:12,292 --> 00:45:15,003
Then there's certain positions
you gotta ask permission for.

1048
00:45:15,003 --> 00:45:16,964
Certain positions, imagine that?

1049
00:45:16,964 --> 00:45:18,048
Like I had to ask her one night,

1050
00:45:18,048 --> 00:45:19,925
I said, "Hey, can you get on
top for a little bit tonight?"

1051
00:45:19,925 --> 00:45:21,343
She's like, "Don't make me go up there."

1052
00:45:23,137 --> 00:45:24,096
I didn't tell you to go on the roof

1053
00:45:24,096 --> 00:45:25,389
and put up Christmas lights.

1054
00:45:26,974 --> 00:45:28,851
I said, get on top of your husband.

1055
00:45:28,851 --> 00:45:29,977
I think I have vertigo.

1056
00:45:29,977 --> 00:45:30,978
Since when?

1057
00:45:33,313 --> 00:45:35,524
When we dated, I didn't have to ask.

1058
00:45:35,524 --> 00:45:38,235
All I would have to do is lay
down on the bed on my back

1059
00:45:38,235 --> 00:45:39,153
with an erection

1060
00:45:39,153 --> 00:45:41,155
and she'd come outta
nowhere like a superhero.

1061
00:45:46,452 --> 00:45:47,744
"Shhh,

1062
00:45:48,454 --> 00:45:50,956
hold it, hold it, I'm gonna do something, hold it."

1063
00:45:55,294 --> 00:45:56,420
Now you have vertigo?

1064
00:45:59,756 --> 00:46:02,342
Another thing that changes.
When you dated,

1065
00:46:02,342 --> 00:46:04,178
you went a long time.

1066
00:46:04,178 --> 00:46:07,473
She would call her friends,
"Yo, he rocked my world."

1067
00:46:07,473 --> 00:46:09,308
45 minutes straight.

1068
00:46:09,308 --> 00:46:11,602
Now you go too long, you
ruined the rest of her day.

1069
00:46:12,769 --> 00:46:15,063
I was behind her one night for 32 minutes.

1070
00:46:15,063 --> 00:46:16,773
I thought I was rocking it.

1071
00:46:16,773 --> 00:46:18,650
32 minutes as a married man

1072
00:46:18,650 --> 00:46:22,738
is like three hours in dog years, right?

1073
00:46:22,738 --> 00:46:25,824
I'm sitting there, I'm... (moans)

1074
00:46:25,824 --> 00:46:26,950
She turned around

1075
00:46:26,950 --> 00:46:29,244
and crushed my self-esteem,

1076
00:46:29,244 --> 00:46:31,371
"Hey, give or take,

1077
00:46:31,371 --> 00:46:35,125
how much longer do you
think you're gonna be?"

1078
00:46:43,008 --> 00:46:44,927
I don't know. You got somewhere to go?

1079
00:46:46,011 --> 00:46:47,763
No, I didn't know you
were gonna be this long,

1080
00:46:47,763 --> 00:46:51,433
so I ended up starting a load
of laundry in the basement.

1081
00:46:51,433 --> 00:46:53,852
You never go the whole cycle.

1082
00:46:54,770 --> 00:46:56,480
You mind if I go down
and put 'em in the dryer,

1083
00:46:56,480 --> 00:46:58,565
so they don't smell like mildew?

1084
00:47:02,444 --> 00:47:06,031
I love when you talk dirty to me.

1085
00:47:06,031 --> 00:47:07,157
I say, "Yeah, go down.

1086
00:47:07,157 --> 00:47:08,617
Go down, when you come
up, if he's still up,

1087
00:47:08,617 --> 00:47:11,036
just back into it like a parking spot."

1088
00:47:11,036 --> 00:47:12,746
Matter of fact, since the
clothes are so important,

1089
00:47:12,746 --> 00:47:14,206
take the clothes outta
the dryer, bring 'em up.

1090
00:47:14,206 --> 00:47:16,041
I'll fold 'em and I'll
stack 'em on your back.

1091
00:47:19,461 --> 00:47:20,921
Unbelievable, man.

1092
00:47:21,463 --> 00:47:23,090
Unbelievable.

1093
00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:24,841
It's marriage though. What're ya gonna do?

1094
00:47:24,841 --> 00:47:26,134
And she always asks me too.

1095
00:47:26,134 --> 00:47:27,636
She's like, "Why are you twisted?

1096
00:47:27,636 --> 00:47:29,179
Why is your brain like that?"

1097
00:47:29,179 --> 00:47:31,265
I said, I was raised by old
school Italian immigrants.

1098
00:47:31,265 --> 00:47:33,809
What the fuck? I'm traumatized inside.

1099
00:47:33,809 --> 00:47:35,352
That's why my brain is like that.

1100
00:47:35,352 --> 00:47:37,771
We were raised by parents
that didn't coddle us.

1101
00:47:37,771 --> 00:47:39,982
They didn't fucking put us in safe spaces.

1102
00:47:39,982 --> 00:47:42,693
We were experiments, okay?

1103
00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:44,528
They didn't bring us to get allergy tests.

1104
00:47:44,528 --> 00:47:48,574
They would feed us and
watch us for a while.

1105
00:47:48,574 --> 00:47:50,784
"Everything look okay for now."

1106
00:47:54,830 --> 00:47:56,415
My sister ate peanut butter one day.

1107
00:47:56,415 --> 00:47:57,499
Her whole face blew up.

1108
00:47:57,499 --> 00:47:59,585
My father thought she
was making faces at him.

1109
00:48:00,210 --> 00:48:00,961
"Stop making face-

1110
00:48:00,961 --> 00:48:01,920
go to your room right now.

1111
00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:02,838
Go to your room!"

1112
00:48:03,338 --> 00:48:04,339
I go, "She's gonna die up there.

1113
00:48:04,339 --> 00:48:05,924
I don't think she can breathe."

1114
00:48:06,258 --> 00:48:07,676
And then we'd have family come over,

1115
00:48:07,676 --> 00:48:09,928
he would act like it
was a trick she can do.

1116
00:48:09,928 --> 00:48:11,555
"Rosa, go eat the peanut butter,

1117
00:48:11,555 --> 00:48:15,183
show Uncle Joe what you do with your face.

1118
00:48:15,183 --> 00:48:18,270
Watch this, she look like an
Elephant Man. I can't believe it."

1119
00:48:25,027 --> 00:48:26,695
We weren't coddled, man.

1120
00:48:26,695 --> 00:48:28,280
These kids have it way too easy.

1121
00:48:29,364 --> 00:48:30,907
Like I remember how my
father would teach me how

1122
00:48:30,907 --> 00:48:31,950
to do certain things.

1123
00:48:31,950 --> 00:48:32,826
You know how my father taught me how

1124
00:48:32,826 --> 00:48:34,411
to swim when I was seven years old?

1125
00:48:34,411 --> 00:48:36,163
By throwing me off my uncle's boat.

1126
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:39,541
Threw me off my uncle's boat

1127
00:48:39,541 --> 00:48:41,043
and in his head,

1128
00:48:41,043 --> 00:48:42,711
if it was a life or death situation,

1129
00:48:42,711 --> 00:48:44,713
I would teach myself how to swim.

1130
00:48:45,964 --> 00:48:48,091
He wasn't even nervous. I'm
drowning in front of him.

1131
00:48:48,091 --> 00:48:49,176
He looked over the boat. He
goes, "Yo!"

1132
00:48:50,093 --> 00:48:51,720
"If you keep cry,

1133
00:48:51,720 --> 00:48:52,846
you're gonna die."

1134
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:57,392
Stop cry, kick your feet a little bit.

1135
00:48:58,810 --> 00:49:01,188
Anthony, if you die, you're
gonna miss your birthday.

1136
00:49:05,150 --> 00:49:06,485
And it doesn't change, man.

1137
00:49:06,485 --> 00:49:08,236
As you get older, they get more twisted.

1138
00:49:08,236 --> 00:49:10,530
And you know what? I thought
it was just my family.

1139
00:49:10,530 --> 00:49:11,823
And then I thought it was just Italians.

1140
00:49:11,823 --> 00:49:13,492
And then I started touring
around the country.

1141
00:49:13,492 --> 00:49:15,911
We are so much alike in so many ways.

1142
00:49:15,911 --> 00:49:19,081
Different, but alike,
right? It's universal.

1143
00:49:19,081 --> 00:49:20,499
They're geared differently.

1144
00:49:20,499 --> 00:49:23,085
Like they love guilt.

1145
00:49:23,085 --> 00:49:25,504
Oh, they love guilt. And they're twisted.

1146
00:49:25,504 --> 00:49:28,507
My father will call me 20
times, 20 missed phone calls.

1147
00:49:28,507 --> 00:49:30,050
Then he'll leave a voicemail.

1148
00:49:30,050 --> 00:49:31,927
He don't know how to leave a voicemail.

1149
00:49:31,927 --> 00:49:34,596
He thinks I'm listening
to it as he's leaving it.

1150
00:49:35,681 --> 00:49:36,556
Every voicemail.

1151
00:49:36,556 --> 00:49:37,474
"Anthony, pick up the phone,

1152
00:49:37,474 --> 00:49:39,559
it's your father, I gotta talk it to you.

1153
00:49:39,559 --> 00:49:41,853
Anthony, please pick up the phone.

1154
00:49:41,853 --> 00:49:44,773
Come on, you son of a bitch, pick up."

1155
00:49:45,774 --> 00:49:47,067
And then he thinks if he sings,

1156
00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:48,235
it's gonna help.

1157
00:49:48,235 --> 00:49:51,029
♪ Anthony, pick up your phone ♪

1158
00:49:51,029 --> 00:49:52,989
♪ It's your father ♪

1159
00:49:52,989 --> 00:49:54,574
♪ Ooh-Ooh ♪

1160
00:49:56,868 --> 00:49:59,663
I finally call him back
after 20 missed phone calls,

1161
00:49:59,663 --> 00:50:00,747
"Dad, what's the matter, you all right?

1162
00:50:00,747 --> 00:50:03,792
Yeah, I went to go feed
my chickens in the backyard.

1163
00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:05,252
I find two chickens are dead.

1164
00:50:05,252 --> 00:50:06,837
You know anything about this?"

1165
00:50:08,588 --> 00:50:09,172
No.

1166
00:50:09,756 --> 00:50:11,591
If you find anything out,
can you tell me?

1167
00:50:11,925 --> 00:50:14,386
Yeah, I'll let you know after
I talk to Crime Stoppers.

1168
00:50:18,390 --> 00:50:20,726
Then another 20 missed phone
calls the next day.

1169
00:50:20,726 --> 00:50:21,518
Yes, dad?

1170
00:50:21,518 --> 00:50:23,103
I went to go wash my truck this morning.

1171
00:50:23,103 --> 00:50:24,438
Then this afternoon, it started raining.

1172
00:50:24,438 --> 00:50:25,856
Fucking mother nature.

1173
00:50:27,649 --> 00:50:28,650
I said, "What do you want me to do?"

1174
00:50:28,650 --> 00:50:30,235
Can you call the place
to get my money back?

1175
00:50:30,235 --> 00:50:31,111
No.

1176
00:50:32,070 --> 00:50:33,947
Then he goes five days without calling us,

1177
00:50:33,947 --> 00:50:35,907
me and my brother and my
sister, nobody hears from him.

1178
00:50:35,907 --> 00:50:36,992
He lives three hours from me.

1179
00:50:36,992 --> 00:50:38,118
I'm the oldest. I get worried.

1180
00:50:38,118 --> 00:50:39,870
I jump in my car, head
up to my dad's house.

1181
00:50:39,870 --> 00:50:41,747
An hour into the ride, he
calls me outta nowhere.

1182
00:50:41,747 --> 00:50:42,581
Like nothing's wrong.

1183
00:50:42,581 --> 00:50:43,915
"Hey, what's up? It's your father."

1184
00:50:44,875 --> 00:50:45,709
"Where have you been?"

1185
00:50:45,709 --> 00:50:47,669
"I was in the emergency
room for a couple days."

1186
00:50:49,045 --> 00:50:49,671
What?

1187
00:50:49,880 --> 00:50:51,840
Yeah, I fell in the
backyard. I twisted my ankle.

1188
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:54,009
I went to the doctor to
make sure it was not broke.

1189
00:50:54,009 --> 00:50:56,428
He did blood work, he found
an infection in my blood.

1190
00:50:56,428 --> 00:50:57,763
He sent me to the emergency room.

1191
00:50:57,763 --> 00:50:59,598
They had to operate on me, clean my blood.

1192
00:50:59,598 --> 00:51:01,475
They said if I would've never
gone there with my ankle,

1193
00:51:01,475 --> 00:51:02,976
I would've probably died in my sleep.

1194
00:51:07,439 --> 00:51:08,732
I said, "Why didn't you call anybody?"

1195
00:51:08,732 --> 00:51:09,691
"Anthony, you know I don't like

1196
00:51:09,691 --> 00:51:11,693
to bother you with bullshit."

1197
00:51:19,534 --> 00:51:20,660
Well, let's talk about
something important.

1198
00:51:20,660 --> 00:51:21,995
You find out who killed your chickens?

1199
00:51:26,458 --> 00:51:28,293
And the way they understand things, man.

1200
00:51:28,293 --> 00:51:31,213
I would love to jump in my
father's head one of these days.

1201
00:51:31,213 --> 00:51:33,006
I'm fucked up over it.

1202
00:51:33,006 --> 00:51:33,965
Like he'll watched the news.

1203
00:51:33,965 --> 00:51:37,135
He'll understand 15%.
He'll make up the other 85.

1204
00:51:38,094 --> 00:51:39,721
Just make it up.

1205
00:51:39,721 --> 00:51:41,973
He called me the other day, all confused.

1206
00:51:41,973 --> 00:51:43,558
The way he processed this.

1207
00:51:43,558 --> 00:51:44,392
I said, "What's up dad?"

1208
00:51:44,392 --> 00:51:45,977
"Yeah, I'm a little confused,

1209
00:51:45,977 --> 00:51:47,813
is everybody gay?"

1210
00:51:49,773 --> 00:51:50,816
I said, "Not everybody."

1211
00:51:50,816 --> 00:51:51,691
I said, "But what are you worried about?

1212
00:51:51,691 --> 00:51:53,485
You're not any gay guy's hit list."

1213
00:51:53,819 --> 00:51:54,653
He goes, "What are you talking about?"

1214
00:51:54,653 --> 00:51:56,196
I said, "No gay guy wants you."

1215
00:51:56,196 --> 00:51:58,865
"Oh, if your father was gay,

1216
00:51:58,865 --> 00:52:00,659
I'd probably fuck a lot of men."

1217
00:52:08,333 --> 00:52:09,918
I said, "To answer your question, no,

1218
00:52:09,918 --> 00:52:10,836
not everybody's gay.

1219
00:52:10,836 --> 00:52:11,294
Why?"

1220
00:52:11,294 --> 00:52:13,421
"I just wanna be
careful because I wanna know,

1221
00:52:13,421 --> 00:52:16,424
where is this a closet
they all come out of?"

1222
00:52:20,345 --> 00:52:22,305
You think it's one closet?

1223
00:52:22,305 --> 00:52:25,016
You walk in straight, you come out gay.

1224
00:52:25,016 --> 00:52:27,185
I'm gonna see if they have
a large, I'll be right back.

1225
00:52:27,853 --> 00:52:29,437
Oh my God, it's so nice in there.

1226
00:52:31,022 --> 00:52:32,399
I said, "That's not how it works."

1227
00:52:32,399 --> 00:52:33,358
He goes, "I don't know, Anthony,

1228
00:52:33,358 --> 00:52:35,151
I see a lot of things I never see before.

1229
00:52:35,735 --> 00:52:36,820
Like I was at the bank today,

1230
00:52:36,820 --> 00:52:38,572
I see two women in line hold their hands.

1231
00:52:38,572 --> 00:52:40,740
I was think it was a mother and daughter.

1232
00:52:40,740 --> 00:52:42,576
Then they started kiss each
other with the tongue."

1233
00:52:43,618 --> 00:52:44,452
I said, "They were gay."

1234
00:52:44,452 --> 00:52:47,414
"I know, but that was the
first time I was so close

1235
00:52:47,414 --> 00:52:48,665
to two Lebanese."

1236
00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:54,045
I can guarantee you two things.

1237
00:52:54,045 --> 00:52:55,380
Number one, they were lesbians.

1238
00:52:55,380 --> 00:52:57,382
Number two, definitely not from Lebanon.

1239
00:53:01,344 --> 00:53:05,181
They're outta their minds, man.
But they're amazing people.

1240
00:53:05,181 --> 00:53:07,017
Like we have fun with my dad, you know?

1241
00:53:07,017 --> 00:53:08,351
'Cause now I make money doing it.

1242
00:53:08,351 --> 00:53:10,186
When I was a kid, I'd get my ass kicked.

1243
00:53:11,062 --> 00:53:13,773
If I didn't understand him,
it was my fault, not his.

1244
00:53:13,773 --> 00:53:14,691
I was 17 years old.

1245
00:53:14,691 --> 00:53:16,568
I almost got the worst beating on my life,

1246
00:53:16,568 --> 00:53:17,819
'cause he comes downstairs one day.

1247
00:53:17,819 --> 00:53:18,653
I said, "What's the matter?"

1248
00:53:18,653 --> 00:53:19,821
"I'm just nervous, Anthony, please,

1249
00:53:19,821 --> 00:53:21,156
I don't wanna talk to nobody."

1250
00:53:21,156 --> 00:53:21,990
I said, "What's the matter?"

1251
00:53:21,990 --> 00:53:23,408
"I gotta go do something.

1252
00:53:23,408 --> 00:53:24,576
I don't wanna talk!"

1253
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:26,786
I've never seen my dad so nervous.

1254
00:53:26,786 --> 00:53:28,163
I said, "What's the matter?"

1255
00:53:29,414 --> 00:53:31,791
"I gotta go get a ham on rye, okay?

1256
00:53:31,791 --> 00:53:34,336
I never have a ham on rye in my life."

1257
00:53:34,336 --> 00:53:37,047
I said, "Just toast the
bread and put mustard on it."

1258
00:53:38,089 --> 00:53:40,926
Beat the shit outta me, okay?

1259
00:53:40,926 --> 00:53:42,636
After my beating, my mother told me he had

1260
00:53:42,636 --> 00:53:44,721
an MRI that he had to do.

1261
00:53:46,389 --> 00:53:47,557
I didn't know.

1262
00:53:52,687 --> 00:53:53,939
I started laughing hysterical.

1263
00:53:53,939 --> 00:53:55,523
I didn't even care about the ass kicking.

1264
00:53:58,610 --> 00:54:00,403
But we have fun with him, man.

1265
00:54:00,403 --> 00:54:01,237
Like my father called me the other day,

1266
00:54:01,237 --> 00:54:03,031
I had my kids in the car, right?

1267
00:54:03,031 --> 00:54:05,450
I like to break his
balls. He's a good sport.

1268
00:54:05,450 --> 00:54:08,036
And he goes, "Yo, I find out that

1269
00:54:08,036 --> 00:54:10,622
a lot of people take the
same medication I've taken

1270
00:54:10,622 --> 00:54:13,208
for the diabetes to lose weight."

1271
00:54:13,208 --> 00:54:14,376
I say, "I heard."

1272
00:54:14,376 --> 00:54:16,962
He goes, "And they pay $1,000 a shot."

1273
00:54:16,962 --> 00:54:18,338
I said, "I know."

1274
00:54:18,338 --> 00:54:19,756
"And Medicare pay for mine.

1275
00:54:19,756 --> 00:54:21,091
I don't pay nothing."

1276
00:54:21,091 --> 00:54:22,050
"You're not selling,

1277
00:54:22,050 --> 00:54:24,678
you're not selling diabetes medication."

1278
00:54:24,678 --> 00:54:26,262
"Come on,
it's just a little bit."

1279
00:54:26,262 --> 00:54:28,515
"No, you're not doing it."

1280
00:54:28,515 --> 00:54:31,017
So my daughter goes, "Daddy, can I ask him

1281
00:54:31,017 --> 00:54:32,268
what the name is?"

1282
00:54:32,268 --> 00:54:33,603
And my wife right away,

1283
00:54:33,603 --> 00:54:34,479
"Stop it."

1284
00:54:35,397 --> 00:54:37,524
Because my dad, the only
way he remembers the name

1285
00:54:37,524 --> 00:54:41,027
of the medication, he has to
sing the commercial out loud.

1286
00:54:43,113 --> 00:54:44,572
So I said, "Let her do it."

1287
00:54:44,572 --> 00:54:46,950
She goes, "Fine, but this is mean."

1288
00:54:46,950 --> 00:54:48,243
She goes, "Nonno?"

1289
00:54:48,243 --> 00:54:49,953
"Yeah, Gabriela."

1290
00:54:49,953 --> 00:54:50,537
"What's the name

1291
00:54:50,537 --> 00:54:51,454
of the medication?

1292
00:54:51,454 --> 00:54:52,956
I keep forgetting."

1293
00:54:52,956 --> 00:54:53,790
"It's a...

1294
00:54:54,916 --> 00:54:56,876
♪ Oh oh oh ♪

1295
00:54:56,876 --> 00:54:58,712
♪ Ozempic ♪

1296
00:54:58,712 --> 00:55:00,797
♪ You know ♪"

1297
00:55:08,263 --> 00:55:09,889
Oh my God, man.

1298
00:55:11,307 --> 00:55:12,308
But the funny thing is, man,

1299
00:55:12,308 --> 00:55:14,728
a lot of us were raised
like that, you know?

1300
00:55:14,728 --> 00:55:17,230
And it's not, like I said,
it's not Italians, man.

1301
00:55:17,230 --> 00:55:18,732
And a lot of people think
you gotta be Italian

1302
00:55:18,732 --> 00:55:19,566
to come to my show.

1303
00:55:19,566 --> 00:55:21,484
I dunno who spread that
rumor. You don't have to be.

1304
00:55:21,484 --> 00:55:24,904
It helps, but you don't have
to be. You don't have to be.

1305
00:55:24,904 --> 00:55:26,614
Lady came up to me, she
was like, "Oh my God,

1306
00:55:26,614 --> 00:55:28,241
do I have to be i-talian
to come to your show?"

1307
00:55:28,241 --> 00:55:29,409
I go, "No, but if you say it like that,

1308
00:55:29,409 --> 00:55:30,660
someone's gonna punch you in the face."

1309
00:55:32,037 --> 00:55:33,038
I don't know what an i-talian is.

1310
00:55:33,038 --> 00:55:34,706
What are we, an Apple product?

1311
00:55:36,291 --> 00:55:39,836
But we are all very similar,
man. We're raised very similar.

1312
00:55:39,836 --> 00:55:42,672
Like these kids don't
know how lucky they are.

1313
00:55:42,672 --> 00:55:46,342
They don't, our parents
didn't fuck around, okay?

1314
00:55:46,342 --> 00:55:49,220
And our parents did something to us

1315
00:55:49,220 --> 00:55:51,806
that is almost impossible to do.

1316
00:55:51,806 --> 00:55:54,809
I'm not gonna tell you,
I'm gonna show you.

1317
00:55:54,809 --> 00:55:56,061
Round of applause

1318
00:55:56,061 --> 00:55:58,146
if you were hit as a kid.

1319
00:56:05,945 --> 00:56:08,531
See how proud they made
us that we got our ass kicked?

1320
00:56:10,658 --> 00:56:11,618
Isn't that amazing?

1321
00:56:12,035 --> 00:56:13,495
When you were eight years
old getting a beating,

1322
00:56:13,495 --> 00:56:15,413
did you ever sit there and
go, "I know this sucks now,

1323
00:56:15,413 --> 00:56:17,832
but one day I'm gonna clap I
was a victim of child abuse."

1324
00:56:19,876 --> 00:56:21,336
They make us appreciate it.

1325
00:56:22,462 --> 00:56:23,296
And lemme tell you something,

1326
00:56:23,296 --> 00:56:27,467
I realize now why they used
the weapons that they used,

1327
00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:29,260
because if we ever called the cops

1328
00:56:29,260 --> 00:56:30,261
and made a police report,

1329
00:56:30,261 --> 00:56:32,347
the cops would never fucking believe us.

1330
00:56:33,306 --> 00:56:34,516
They're sitting there going, "Okay,

1331
00:56:34,516 --> 00:56:36,392
so you're saying you got all those bruises

1332
00:56:36,392 --> 00:56:38,228
from a wooden spoon?

1333
00:56:40,021 --> 00:56:42,774
Find that pretty hard to believe, son.

1334
00:56:42,774 --> 00:56:45,318
And it says here you hid behind the couch

1335
00:56:45,318 --> 00:56:47,320
and the shoe still hit you.

1336
00:56:48,780 --> 00:56:49,531
Wow.

1337
00:56:51,241 --> 00:56:52,117
It says,

1338
00:56:52,117 --> 00:56:53,952
so it says you got hit by a broom,

1339
00:56:53,952 --> 00:56:56,579
but it also says you're the
one that gave it to him.

1340
00:56:56,579 --> 00:56:57,539
Why'd you do that?"

1341
00:56:59,332 --> 00:57:01,167
And the worst was the belt.

1342
00:57:01,167 --> 00:57:03,086
Oh, remember this shit?

1343
00:57:05,672 --> 00:57:08,091
How did they all know how to do this?

1344
00:57:08,091 --> 00:57:09,259
They didn't have email.

1345
00:57:10,176 --> 00:57:12,303
What, did one immigrant call everybody?

1346
00:57:12,303 --> 00:57:14,973
"Hey, you wanna make your
kids shit their pants?

1347
00:57:14,973 --> 00:57:16,808
Take off your belt. I
wanna show you something."

1348
00:57:20,019 --> 00:57:22,021
And my father would show me I
was getting hit with a belt.

1349
00:57:22,021 --> 00:57:24,190
He wouldn't say it, 'cause he
didn't want anybody knowing.

1350
00:57:24,190 --> 00:57:26,776
He would show me with one motion.

1351
00:57:26,776 --> 00:57:28,153
He would see me with a group of friends,

1352
00:57:28,153 --> 00:57:30,697
"Anthony, keep a play with
your friends. Have fun.

1353
00:57:30,697 --> 00:57:33,283
And when I get you, I'm gonna
have a little fun with you.

1354
00:57:34,492 --> 00:57:36,327
What am I gonna do? [chuckling]

1355
00:57:41,332 --> 00:57:42,292
My American friends are like,

1356
00:57:42,292 --> 00:57:44,335
"Dude, I think your father has
Parkinson's disease."

1357
00:57:47,839 --> 00:57:49,048
But here's what pisses me off.

1358
00:57:49,048 --> 00:57:50,550
Not that I got hit.

1359
00:57:50,550 --> 00:57:52,594
I deserved it 90% of the time.

1360
00:57:52,594 --> 00:57:55,054
What pisses me off is those same people

1361
00:57:55,054 --> 00:57:58,183
that didn't have patience
with us, that beat our ass

1362
00:57:58,183 --> 00:57:59,392
become grandparents and become

1363
00:57:59,392 --> 00:58:01,144
the most loving people you've
ever seen in your life.

1364
00:58:03,438 --> 00:58:04,939
Where was that love with us?

1365
00:58:05,857 --> 00:58:07,358
I smacked my daughter
on the ass one night,

1366
00:58:07,358 --> 00:58:08,610
my father almost flipped out.

1367
00:58:09,277 --> 00:58:11,738
"Hey, no touch your kids.

1368
00:58:11,738 --> 00:58:13,823
I don't like that shit!"

1369
00:58:16,910 --> 00:58:18,036
"What'd you go to rehab?"

1370
00:58:20,872 --> 00:58:22,498
"What did you say, captain child abuse?

1371
00:58:22,498 --> 00:58:23,458
I didn't hear you."

1372
00:58:24,626 --> 00:58:26,544
"No touch your kids,
because if you touch them,

1373
00:58:26,544 --> 00:58:28,254
they're gonna grow up all
screw up in the head."

1374
00:58:28,254 --> 00:58:29,214
"You don't say.

1375
00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:32,884
Is that why I sit in
my basement dressed up

1376
00:58:32,884 --> 00:58:35,470
as an old Italian lady and make videos?"

1377
00:58:43,061 --> 00:58:43,937
Crazy man.

1378
00:58:44,979 --> 00:58:46,814
But none of us will ever
trade our childhood

1379
00:58:46,814 --> 00:58:48,274
'cause we are who we are today

1380
00:58:48,274 --> 00:58:49,567
because of how we were raised.

1381
00:58:49,567 --> 00:58:51,319
But you gotta admit,
they're some fucked up people.

1382
00:58:52,570 --> 00:58:54,322
Oh, they're twisted, man.

1383
00:58:54,322 --> 00:58:55,323
And they don't change.

1384
00:58:55,323 --> 00:58:56,991
My father still has the same habits.

1385
00:58:56,991 --> 00:58:57,992
My father doesn't even
know how to whisper,

1386
00:58:57,992 --> 00:58:59,285
he thinks if he puts his
hand in front of his mouth,

1387
00:58:59,285 --> 00:59:00,787
nobody can hear him.

1388
00:59:00,787 --> 00:59:01,621
We were at a restaurant.

1389
00:59:01,621 --> 00:59:03,331
Some lady behind him was chewing loud.

1390
00:59:03,331 --> 00:59:04,165
He turns around and he goes,

1391
00:59:04,165 --> 00:59:06,000
"My God...

1392
00:59:06,709 --> 00:59:08,378
this bitch chew like a cow."

1393
00:59:12,423 --> 00:59:13,508
She got up, gave him the finger.

1394
00:59:13,508 --> 00:59:15,051
He goes, "God bless,
she got very good ears.

1395
00:59:15,051 --> 00:59:16,010
Oh my God."

1396
00:59:21,015 --> 00:59:23,768
And they're all paranoid.
Every single one of 'em.

1397
00:59:23,768 --> 00:59:26,104
They think everybody's
out to sabotage them.

1398
00:59:26,104 --> 00:59:27,855
My father thinks the
cable company's after him.

1399
00:59:28,815 --> 00:59:29,857
Calls me once a week,

1400
00:59:29,857 --> 00:59:32,443
"Anthony, Verizon tried to
screw your father again."

1401
00:59:33,486 --> 00:59:35,196
I said, "Verizon doesn't
even know who you are."

1402
00:59:35,196 --> 00:59:37,323
"No? Then explain to me this.

1403
00:59:37,323 --> 00:59:39,325
How come I just get off
of the phone with them,

1404
00:59:39,325 --> 00:59:41,411
I said, 'Go fuck yourself.'

1405
00:59:41,411 --> 00:59:43,538
I hang up, I go in the living room

1406
00:59:43,538 --> 00:59:45,164
and my remote control don't work."

1407
00:59:49,043 --> 00:59:50,545
What do you think, they shut it off?

1408
00:59:51,296 --> 00:59:52,505
I said, "Your battery died."

1409
00:59:52,505 --> 00:59:53,464
What, do you think so?

1410
00:59:53,464 --> 00:59:54,841
I know so. Your batteries are dead.

1411
00:59:54,841 --> 00:59:55,800
Go get new batteries.

1412
00:59:55,800 --> 00:59:56,801
I got no battery.

1413
00:59:56,801 --> 00:59:58,845
Can you send me some so I
don't gotta bother you?

1414
00:59:58,845 --> 00:59:59,804
Yeah, what size?

1415
00:59:59,804 --> 01:00:00,722
Hold on.

1416
01:00:00,722 --> 01:00:01,848
Energizer.

1417
01:00:01,848 --> 01:00:02,890
Not the size.

1418
01:00:03,391 --> 01:00:05,560
Not the size. I said, "Turn the battery.

1419
01:00:05,560 --> 01:00:07,395
You'll see two or three
letters. That's the size."

1420
01:00:07,395 --> 01:00:08,521
"Okay, hold on, hold on.

1421
01:00:08,521 --> 01:00:09,188
Oh, it's right here.

1422
01:00:09,188 --> 01:00:10,773
Energizer size

1423
01:00:10,773 --> 01:00:12,525
ah-ah-ah."

1424
01:00:22,493 --> 01:00:25,496
I said, "Did he just sound out AAA?"

1425
01:00:26,873 --> 01:00:28,124
I said, "What did you say?"

1426
01:00:28,124 --> 01:00:29,417
"It's three letter, Anthony."

1427
01:00:29,417 --> 01:00:32,712
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

1428
01:00:32,712 --> 01:00:34,088
I said, "That's not how you say it."

1429
01:00:34,088 --> 01:00:34,464
No?

1430
01:00:34,464 --> 01:00:35,256
No.

1431
01:00:35,923 --> 01:00:36,758
How do you pronounce?

1432
01:00:36,758 --> 01:00:37,842
I go get my own battery.

1433
01:00:37,842 --> 01:00:39,927
I just didn't wanna embarrass myself.

1434
01:00:39,927 --> 01:00:40,928
I said, "No, I'll teach you to say it.

1435
01:00:40,928 --> 01:00:42,764
It's very easy, Dad. It's
three A's."

1436
01:00:42,764 --> 01:00:43,097
It's

1437
01:00:43,097 --> 01:00:44,015
[dolphin noise]

1438
01:00:46,142 --> 01:00:47,935
I didn't
think he was gonna do it.

1439
01:00:50,229 --> 01:00:52,857
He called me two hours later pissed,

1440
01:00:52,857 --> 01:00:53,858
"Yo, I went to the store.

1441
01:00:53,858 --> 01:00:55,985
These people fucking stupid
like you no believe it."

1442
01:00:57,487 --> 01:00:58,363
I said, "What did you do?"

1443
01:00:58,363 --> 01:00:59,822
I went over there to the first guy.

1444
01:00:59,822 --> 01:01:02,033
I said, "Excuse me, you
got Energizer battery size,

1445
01:01:02,033 --> 01:01:02,867
[dolphin noise]?"

1446
01:01:07,914 --> 01:01:10,625
He tell me, 'Oh, I think you need a AAA.'

1447
01:01:10,625 --> 01:01:13,878
I said, "Fuck you, my
truck, it's brand new."

1448
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:18,091
I said, "Lemme speak to somebody else."

1449
01:01:18,091 --> 01:01:20,343
I grab a young kid, I said,
"Excuse me, young man,

1450
01:01:20,343 --> 01:01:22,053
you got Energizer battery size,

1451
01:01:22,053 --> 01:01:23,179
[dolphin noise]?"

1452
01:01:24,597 --> 01:01:25,890
He started cry.

1453
01:01:25,890 --> 01:01:27,725
I said, "Why you cry?"

1454
01:01:27,725 --> 01:01:30,812
He said, "Why you m-m-m-make f-fun of me?"

1455
01:01:33,356 --> 01:01:36,734
I said, "How the hell I know
you gotta stutter problem?

1456
01:01:37,735 --> 01:01:39,028
I don't even know you.

1457
01:01:40,363 --> 01:01:41,781
I got no time for this shit,

1458
01:01:41,781 --> 01:01:44,367
lemme speak to one of your m-m-manager."

1459
01:01:47,286 --> 01:01:49,080
He's out of his mind.

1460
01:01:50,415 --> 01:01:52,500
There's certain shit my
father says sometimes,

1461
01:01:52,500 --> 01:01:53,709
I can't predict it.

1462
01:01:53,709 --> 01:01:57,088
I don't even expect it.
And it traumatizes you.

1463
01:01:57,088 --> 01:02:00,425
'Cause I don't know how his brain works.

1464
01:02:00,425 --> 01:02:01,551
He's at my house one night.

1465
01:02:01,551 --> 01:02:03,302
We're playing poker. We're talking.

1466
01:02:03,302 --> 01:02:04,178
He's in the living room.

1467
01:02:04,178 --> 01:02:05,763
My friend started asking
me stupid questions,

1468
01:02:05,763 --> 01:02:08,057
'cause we're men and we're stupid.

1469
01:02:08,057 --> 01:02:09,725
My friend goes, "Yo, bro,
for a million dollars,

1470
01:02:09,725 --> 01:02:11,436
would you let a guy take
care of you from the back?"

1471
01:02:11,436 --> 01:02:14,522
I said, "Yeah, I don't even
know why you started so high.

1472
01:02:14,522 --> 01:02:16,274
You could've locked me in at $150,000."

1473
01:02:20,611 --> 01:02:24,365
We're experiencing tough
times right now, bro.

1474
01:02:24,365 --> 01:02:25,867
He said, "All right,
for a million dollars,

1475
01:02:25,867 --> 01:02:26,951
would you let the guy go down on you?"

1476
01:02:26,951 --> 01:02:28,161
"Yeah, he's doing it. Not me.

1477
01:02:28,161 --> 01:02:28,995
I have imagination.

1478
01:02:28,995 --> 01:02:30,037
I can think of something else."

1479
01:02:31,330 --> 01:02:32,540
He goes, "All right, hot shot.

1480
01:02:32,540 --> 01:02:33,666
What if you're making out with a woman,

1481
01:02:33,666 --> 01:02:34,500
it gets hot and heavy.

1482
01:02:34,500 --> 01:02:38,254
You take off her pants,
she's got a pishadeel?

1483
01:02:38,254 --> 01:02:39,839
A million dollars, you
still have sex with her?"

1484
01:02:39,839 --> 01:02:40,381
"Nope."

1485
01:02:40,798 --> 01:02:41,466
"Two million?"

1486
01:02:41,466 --> 01:02:41,757
"Nope.

1487
01:02:41,757 --> 01:02:42,925
Has nothing to do with the money.

1488
01:02:42,925 --> 01:02:43,801
If that's bigger than mine,

1489
01:02:43,801 --> 01:02:45,428
I can't emotionally overcome that."

1490
01:02:46,804 --> 01:02:48,973
My father jumps outta the
living room pissed off,

1491
01:02:48,973 --> 01:02:51,809
"Hey, what do you mean no?"

1492
01:02:53,561 --> 01:02:54,395
I said, "You would do it?"

1493
01:02:54,395 --> 01:02:56,314
"I'd do it right now for $500."

1494
01:02:58,483 --> 01:02:59,317
I said,

1495
01:02:59,317 --> 01:03:00,818
"I don't think you
understood the question."

1496
01:03:01,569 --> 01:03:03,738
"I understand the question Anthony.
I'm no stupid.

1497
01:03:03,738 --> 01:03:05,948
You kiss this girl,
you take off the pants,

1498
01:03:05,948 --> 01:03:07,533
you find out she got a pishadeel

1499
01:03:07,533 --> 01:03:10,620
and now she's just one of
these transmission people, so?"

1500
01:03:14,165 --> 01:03:16,209
I said, "Who said she was a mechanic?"

1501
01:03:17,418 --> 01:03:18,961
So you're telling me even knowing she has

1502
01:03:18,961 --> 01:03:20,171
a penis, you're gonna still do it?

1503
01:03:20,171 --> 01:03:22,924
"Yes, because you use your imagination,

1504
01:03:22,924 --> 01:03:25,218
it make you feel very good as a man."

1505
01:03:25,968 --> 01:03:27,136
I regret to this day asking him

1506
01:03:27,136 --> 01:03:28,262
what he was talking about.

1507
01:03:29,972 --> 01:03:30,932
'Cause he couldn't explain it,

1508
01:03:30,932 --> 01:03:32,058
He had to show me.

1509
01:03:33,267 --> 01:03:34,101
He goes, "First of all,

1510
01:03:34,101 --> 01:03:35,144
you gotta do from the back,

1511
01:03:35,144 --> 01:03:36,938
because of my stuff
cannot touch her stuff.

1512
01:03:36,938 --> 01:03:38,606
That's disgusting, I'm not gonna have

1513
01:03:38,606 --> 01:03:41,067
our balls clicky-clacky, clicky-clacky."

1514
01:03:43,903 --> 01:03:46,322
Then you start like you
normally do, back and forth.

1515
01:03:46,322 --> 01:03:48,491
Nice, easy. Take your time.

1516
01:03:50,701 --> 01:03:53,287
When you get excited,
you wanna reach around

1517
01:03:53,287 --> 01:03:55,665
and grab the transmission pishadeel.

1518
01:03:58,417 --> 01:04:02,046
When you grab the transmission
pishadeel, close your eyes,

1519
01:04:02,046 --> 01:04:04,715
and I guarantee, you'll feel
like your pishadeel is so big,

1520
01:04:04,715 --> 01:04:06,175
it came out the other side."

1521
01:04:24,569 --> 01:04:25,653
I didn't know what I wanna do first,

1522
01:04:25,653 --> 01:04:27,738
throw up or go home with a
zucchini and try it with my wife.

1523
01:04:29,282 --> 01:04:30,116
Made sense.

1524
01:04:32,285 --> 01:04:33,828
They're outta their minds, man.

1525
01:04:34,704 --> 01:04:36,998
And we're gonna end up just like them.

1526
01:04:36,998 --> 01:04:39,000
Like my whole family is very observant.

1527
01:04:39,000 --> 01:04:40,543
Very observant, right?

1528
01:04:40,543 --> 01:04:42,336
Like I have aunts, 80 years old,

1529
01:04:42,336 --> 01:04:43,462
they don't miss a beat.

1530
01:04:43,462 --> 01:04:45,715
They'll come to family
parties, notice something,

1531
01:04:45,715 --> 01:04:46,799
crush your soul.

1532
01:04:47,633 --> 01:04:48,718
Like I got a cousin, Maria,

1533
01:04:48,718 --> 01:04:51,095
three kids with three
different fathers, right?

1534
01:04:51,095 --> 01:04:53,097
My 80-something-year-old aunt don't give

1535
01:04:53,097 --> 01:04:54,473
a shit what she says.

1536
01:04:54,473 --> 01:04:56,267
So I hang out with her a lot for material.

1537
01:04:58,853 --> 01:05:00,771
So she comes to a party with the newborn,

1538
01:05:00,771 --> 01:05:02,648
"Marie, come over here.

1539
01:05:02,648 --> 01:05:04,025
This baby's new?"

1540
01:05:04,942 --> 01:05:06,068
Like it was a purse.

1541
01:05:07,445 --> 01:05:08,779
She goes, "Yeah, yeah, this is Angelo.

1542
01:05:08,779 --> 01:05:09,614
He's six months."

1543
01:05:09,614 --> 01:05:12,241
"God bless, my God, beautiful.

1544
01:05:12,241 --> 01:05:13,701
But can I ask you a question?

1545
01:05:13,701 --> 01:05:16,495
It's not my business...

1546
01:05:16,495 --> 01:05:18,706
why your kids no look the same?"

1547
01:05:20,666 --> 01:05:23,753
She said, "Well, they all
have different fathers."

1548
01:05:23,753 --> 01:05:26,047
"All three different father?

1549
01:05:26,047 --> 01:05:29,175
It's very nice. You take this,
you share with everybody."

1550
01:05:36,098 --> 01:05:37,475
And you become like that.

1551
01:05:37,475 --> 01:05:39,644
The problem is now I'm too observant.

1552
01:05:39,644 --> 01:05:41,562
There's certain things I
want to ignore, but I can't.

1553
01:05:41,562 --> 01:05:43,606
I pay attention to 'em, like flying.

1554
01:05:43,606 --> 01:05:45,483
I pay attention to all the
bullshit announcements.

1555
01:05:45,483 --> 01:05:47,443
It's hard to ignore, okay?

1556
01:05:47,443 --> 01:05:50,071
It bothers, it ruins my flights.

1557
01:05:50,071 --> 01:05:51,614
Okay, one day was just boom, boom, boom,

1558
01:05:51,614 --> 01:05:52,948
one after the other.

1559
01:05:52,948 --> 01:05:54,575
Like I had to call to change my flight.

1560
01:05:54,575 --> 01:05:55,618
That's where it started.

1561
01:05:55,618 --> 01:05:56,619
Have you ever called anything

1562
01:05:56,619 --> 01:05:58,245
after nine o'clock in this country?

1563
01:05:58,245 --> 01:05:59,789
And you press one for English.

1564
01:05:59,789 --> 01:06:01,123
You don't get it.

1565
01:06:03,250 --> 01:06:04,669
I don't mind someone with an accent,

1566
01:06:04,669 --> 01:06:05,878
but at least tell me your real name.

1567
01:06:05,878 --> 01:06:07,588
Let's start off on the right foot.

1568
01:06:08,673 --> 01:06:10,174
I called Delta one night.

1569
01:06:10,174 --> 01:06:11,467
I pressed one for English.

1570
01:06:11,467 --> 01:06:12,760
Guy picked up, [clicks tongue]

1571
01:06:12,760 --> 01:06:14,595
"Hello, thank you for calling Delta.

1572
01:06:16,138 --> 01:06:18,182
How can I help you? My name is Kevin."

1573
01:06:18,182 --> 01:06:19,350
No it's not.

1574
01:06:23,396 --> 01:06:25,439
If your name is Kevin,
my name is Mohammed.

1575
01:06:28,150 --> 01:06:29,777
I say, "You have anything going
back to New York right now?

1576
01:06:29,777 --> 01:06:30,611
It's an emergency."

1577
01:06:30,611 --> 01:06:31,445
"Not right now, sir, nine-thirty,

1578
01:06:31,445 --> 01:06:32,613
but maybe tomorrow six o'clock,

1579
01:06:32,613 --> 01:06:33,989
[jibberish]?"

1580
01:06:33,989 --> 01:06:36,492
"You wanna rewind that, Kevin,
and play it in slow mo?"

1581
01:06:37,868 --> 01:06:39,620
There was a time I called
a business for my dad.

1582
01:06:39,620 --> 01:06:41,122
Indian guy started talking that fast.

1583
01:06:41,122 --> 01:06:44,834
I gave the phone to my father,
"You two battle this out."

1584
01:06:44,834 --> 01:06:47,378
Let me see how this is gonna end.

1585
01:06:47,378 --> 01:06:48,671
Two minutes, my father flipped out.

1586
01:06:48,671 --> 01:06:50,464
I felt so bad for the
guy on the other line.

1587
01:06:50,464 --> 01:06:52,466
He must've been so confused.

1588
01:06:53,509 --> 01:06:56,137
"Excuse me, can you stop talk?

1589
01:06:56,137 --> 01:06:57,888
I don't understand nothing you say.

1590
01:06:58,764 --> 01:07:00,015
I don't know if anybody ever tell you,

1591
01:07:00,015 --> 01:07:02,601
you got a very heavy accent.

1592
01:07:04,645 --> 01:07:06,355
I don't wanna be rude and disrespect you,

1593
01:07:06,355 --> 01:07:08,858
might it be possible I can
speak somebody talk English

1594
01:07:08,858 --> 01:07:10,693
a little more better than you?"

1595
01:07:12,278 --> 01:07:13,237
I said, "I don't think you're qualified

1596
01:07:13,237 --> 01:07:14,697
to ask that question."

1597
01:07:18,409 --> 01:07:21,829
Then I board the plane,
boom, soon as I board,

1598
01:07:21,829 --> 01:07:24,623
lady hits me with the
emergency exit seat, right?

1599
01:07:24,623 --> 01:07:26,792
Like you work for them now.

1600
01:07:26,792 --> 01:07:29,545
I realized the way to get
them to change your seat.

1601
01:07:29,545 --> 01:07:31,297
Speak with an accent,
act like an immigrant.

1602
01:07:31,297 --> 01:07:33,382
Make believe you don't know
what the fuck is going on.

1603
01:07:33,382 --> 01:07:35,634
Scare enough people around you.

1604
01:07:35,634 --> 01:07:37,720
"Mr. Rodia, you're sitting
in an emergency exit seat.

1605
01:07:37,720 --> 01:07:38,637
In the event of an emergency,

1606
01:07:38,637 --> 01:07:39,847
are you willing to help everyone on board

1607
01:07:39,847 --> 01:07:40,848
before you help yourself?"

1608
01:07:40,848 --> 01:07:43,225
"Yeah, I think so. I got
no problem with this.

1609
01:07:44,185 --> 01:07:47,855
I wanna take a nap, but I
gotta go to work. [chuckling]

1610
01:07:47,855 --> 01:07:49,398
Oh my God.

1611
01:07:51,442 --> 01:07:52,818
It's just so funny you asking me

1612
01:07:52,818 --> 01:07:54,195
because this morning when I wake up,

1613
01:07:54,195 --> 01:07:58,741
I said to myself, 'Today, I
wanna be a hero. [chuckles]

1614
01:07:58,741 --> 01:08:00,993
Yeah, now I'm very excited.

1615
01:08:00,993 --> 01:08:01,994
I hope the plane crash.

1616
01:08:01,994 --> 01:08:04,079
I wanna help the people."

1617
01:08:09,001 --> 01:08:10,586
Then the turbulence announcement.

1618
01:08:10,586 --> 01:08:12,046
If we're not gonna die,

1619
01:08:12,046 --> 01:08:13,255
then don't even leave an announcement.

1620
01:08:13,255 --> 01:08:15,466
Just let it rock, okay?
Let the plane shake.

1621
01:08:15,466 --> 01:08:17,635
We'll get over it, because
when you leave an announcement,

1622
01:08:17,635 --> 01:08:18,677
it's too pleasant.

1623
01:08:18,677 --> 01:08:20,346
We get nervous, okay?

1624
01:08:20,346 --> 01:08:22,723
Why is he so happy
about the plane shaking?

1625
01:08:22,723 --> 01:08:23,641
Just leave it alone.

1626
01:08:23,641 --> 01:08:24,809
But if you wanna scare us,

1627
01:08:24,809 --> 01:08:26,852
get an immigrant to do it
because they're very dramatic

1628
01:08:26,852 --> 01:08:29,063
and they love giving bad news.

1629
01:08:29,063 --> 01:08:30,648
Get one of my uncles to pick up the mic.

1630
01:08:30,648 --> 01:08:32,107
Soon as you hit
turbulence, [clicks tongue]

1631
01:08:32,107 --> 01:08:33,609
"Ladies and gentlemen,
I gotta talk to you.

1632
01:08:33,609 --> 01:08:35,820
Holy shit, mother God.

1633
01:08:38,155 --> 01:08:38,989
I don't know what's going on,

1634
01:08:38,989 --> 01:08:41,367
but I promise you, I not touch nothing.

1635
01:08:43,118 --> 01:08:44,495
In the next 5 or 10 minutes,

1636
01:08:44,495 --> 01:08:47,373
this whole plane is gonna
shake like a son of a bitch,

1637
01:08:47,373 --> 01:08:49,333
and I don't think we're gonna make it!"

1638
01:08:53,587 --> 01:08:55,506
The water landing
announcement is the worst.

1639
01:08:55,506 --> 01:08:56,924
I laugh every time I hear it.

1640
01:08:58,008 --> 01:09:00,469
I don't understand. They
think everyone failed physics,

1641
01:09:00,469 --> 01:09:01,720
"In the event of a water landing,

1642
01:09:01,720 --> 01:09:04,765
please locate your life
jacket under your chair.

1643
01:09:04,765 --> 01:09:06,475
Pull it over your head

1644
01:09:06,475 --> 01:09:09,061
and make sure the indicator
light is blinking.

1645
01:09:09,061 --> 01:09:11,981
And then simply tighten the
strap, pull the tab to inflate,

1646
01:09:11,981 --> 01:09:12,648
or gently

1647
01:09:12,648 --> 01:09:13,190
[blows]

1648
01:09:13,190 --> 01:09:15,109
blow into the tubes

1649
01:09:15,109 --> 01:09:16,652
to inflate your vest."

1650
01:09:20,239 --> 01:09:22,575
While I'm shitting my pants?

1651
01:09:24,952 --> 01:09:26,495
Who's gonna be that calm

1652
01:09:26,495 --> 01:09:28,998
and have enough oxygen in
their lungs to inflate a vest?

1653
01:09:29,582 --> 01:09:31,625
You're falling into the ocean.

1654
01:09:31,625 --> 01:09:32,835
You're gonna be bugging out.

1655
01:09:32,835 --> 01:09:35,462
[screams]

1656
01:09:36,338 --> 01:09:38,340
Oh, oh my God.

1657
01:09:39,842 --> 01:09:41,510
Where the fuck is the vest?

1658
01:09:41,510 --> 01:09:43,679
[sobbing]

1659
01:09:43,679 --> 01:09:45,222
Oh my God.

1660
01:09:45,222 --> 01:09:46,682
Oh my God, no.

1661
01:09:46,682 --> 01:09:47,683
No.

1662
01:09:47,683 --> 01:09:50,853
[sobbing]

1663
01:09:51,770 --> 01:09:55,566
[blowing air]

1664
01:10:00,321 --> 01:10:02,573
Who the fuck is doing that?

1665
01:10:03,657 --> 01:10:04,575
Oh.

1666
01:10:05,159 --> 01:10:07,411
Bring my uncle out.

1667
01:10:07,411 --> 01:10:08,871
Bring him out to explain

1668
01:10:08,871 --> 01:10:11,665
to everybody what's gonna
happen when we hit the ocean,

1669
01:10:11,665 --> 01:10:14,210
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm
gonna talk to you again.

1670
01:10:15,753 --> 01:10:19,465
God forbid, the plane crash to the ocean,

1671
01:10:19,465 --> 01:10:24,219
we're gonna probably going
like a 500, 600 mile an hour.

1672
01:10:25,095 --> 01:10:26,722
I don't know if you know,

1673
01:10:26,722 --> 01:10:28,557
that's very fucking fast.

1674
01:10:31,226 --> 01:10:33,312
And when the plane hit the ocean,

1675
01:10:33,312 --> 01:10:36,273
we gonna come to complete stop.

1676
01:10:37,358 --> 01:10:39,318
And because of the speed,

1677
01:10:39,318 --> 01:10:41,403
a couple thing gonna happen to you.

1678
01:10:42,446 --> 01:10:43,489
Number one,

1679
01:10:43,489 --> 01:10:44,823
your head and your arm

1680
01:10:44,823 --> 01:10:46,325
are gonna fly off your body.

1681
01:10:49,244 --> 01:10:51,914
The person who's sitting behind you

1682
01:10:51,914 --> 01:10:54,583
gonna fly through your seat.

1683
01:10:54,583 --> 01:10:57,252
And be right inside your ass.

1684
01:10:58,504 --> 01:11:00,130
And everybody on the plane are gonna get

1685
01:11:00,130 --> 01:11:02,216
a really bad whip splash."

1686
01:11:07,388 --> 01:11:09,139
I'd fly that airlines all the time.

1687
01:11:11,976 --> 01:11:13,560
But I'm gonna leave you
with some really advice.

1688
01:11:13,560 --> 01:11:15,562
You get a big laugh if you
do this, and really do this.

1689
01:11:15,562 --> 01:11:17,481
I'm not even joking. Really do this.

1690
01:11:17,481 --> 01:11:19,441
If you have immigrants in your family

1691
01:11:19,441 --> 01:11:21,694
or you have friends with
immigrants in theirs,

1692
01:11:21,694 --> 01:11:22,653
smoke weed with them.

1693
01:11:24,029 --> 01:11:25,864
Smoke weed with an immigrant,
man. I'm telling you.

1694
01:11:25,864 --> 01:11:27,616
Don't do edibles.

1695
01:11:27,616 --> 01:11:28,534
I didn't know they were strong

1696
01:11:28,534 --> 01:11:32,037
and my father's still not fully recovered.

1697
01:11:33,539 --> 01:11:34,873
I gave him an edible one night.

1698
01:11:34,873 --> 01:11:36,208
I said, "Take this before you go to bed.

1699
01:11:36,208 --> 01:11:37,084
When you wake up in the morning,

1700
01:11:37,084 --> 01:11:38,460
your joints will feel better."

1701
01:11:38,460 --> 01:11:40,838
I woke up at 04:30 in the
morning to 18 missed phone calls.

1702
01:11:44,133 --> 01:11:45,676
I called him back,
I said, "Dad?"

1703
01:11:45,676 --> 01:11:47,886
"What the fuck have you given me?"

1704
01:11:50,097 --> 01:11:50,931
I said, "What's the matter?"

1705
01:11:50,931 --> 01:11:51,765
"What's the matter?

1706
01:11:51,765 --> 01:11:54,059
You don't even know the night I just have.

1707
01:11:55,853 --> 01:11:58,397
I took this thing at nine o'clock.

1708
01:11:58,397 --> 01:12:01,775
09:30, I went in the
backyard to feed my chickens.

1709
01:12:01,775 --> 01:12:03,318
Would you believe I was able

1710
01:12:03,318 --> 01:12:05,738
to understand everything
my chickens were saying?

1711
01:12:12,494 --> 01:12:14,079
I said, "What?"

1712
01:12:14,079 --> 01:12:16,290
"Yeah, no laugh.

1713
01:12:16,290 --> 01:12:19,793
I was over there for three hours
talking to a fucking chicken.

1714
01:12:20,544 --> 01:12:21,754
And I learned a couple things.

1715
01:12:21,754 --> 01:12:22,254
Number one,

1716
01:12:22,254 --> 01:12:25,924
the rooster speak Italian,
I never know.

1717
01:12:25,924 --> 01:12:27,718
Number two, the chicken,

1718
01:12:27,718 --> 01:12:29,094
they don't even know what come first,

1719
01:12:29,094 --> 01:12:31,263
the chicken or the egg.

1720
01:12:31,263 --> 01:12:32,389
And number three,

1721
01:12:32,389 --> 01:12:36,477
you believe one of my
chicken it's a homosexual?"

1722
01:12:37,478 --> 01:12:38,771
I said, "I'm probably
gonna regret asking this,

1723
01:12:38,771 --> 01:12:40,355
but how do you know a chicken's gay?"

1724
01:12:40,355 --> 01:12:41,899
Because it make a
different noise, Anthony?

1725
01:12:41,899 --> 01:12:43,233
What's the matter with you?

1726
01:12:43,233 --> 01:12:44,068
The other chicken, he go,

1727
01:12:44,068 --> 01:12:45,652
[mimics chicken clucking]

1728
01:12:45,652 --> 01:12:46,445
This one goes,

1729
01:12:46,445 --> 01:12:47,571
[mimics flamboyant chicken clucking]

1730
01:12:51,283 --> 01:12:52,785
I said, "When you started
talking to your chickens

1731
01:12:52,785 --> 01:12:54,328
and understanding them,
why didn't you call me?"

1732
01:12:54,328 --> 01:12:56,413
"I tried to call you.

1733
01:12:56,413 --> 01:12:58,207
It took me three hours
to realize I was trying

1734
01:12:58,207 --> 01:12:59,500
to call you with the remote control."

1735
01:13:02,628 --> 01:13:04,630
So be careful with the edibles.

1736
01:13:04,630 --> 01:13:05,798
But you could smoke weed.

1737
01:13:05,798 --> 01:13:07,508
Smoked weed with my father in Florida,

1738
01:13:07,508 --> 01:13:09,384
rented a beautiful house on the water.

1739
01:13:09,384 --> 01:13:12,805
Had me, my brother, my cousins,
my father, a couple friends,

1740
01:13:12,805 --> 01:13:15,641
and my father's complaining
about his arthritis.

1741
01:13:15,641 --> 01:13:18,727
"Ah, this arthritis is killing me."

1742
01:13:18,727 --> 01:13:19,853
I said, "Why don't you try smoking weed?"

1743
01:13:19,853 --> 01:13:22,189
"Why, the weed that make me
forget about my arthritis?"

1744
01:13:22,648 --> 01:13:23,607
I said, "You smoke the right weed,

1745
01:13:23,607 --> 01:13:24,817
you'll forget you have legs."

1746
01:13:26,735 --> 01:13:27,694
He goes, "Go get me some.

1747
01:13:27,694 --> 01:13:28,987
I wanna forgot I got legs."

1748
01:13:30,572 --> 01:13:31,949
So I go get the weed.

1749
01:13:31,949 --> 01:13:33,408
I shoulda checked how strong it was.

1750
01:13:33,408 --> 01:13:34,993
It was too strong for any of us.

1751
01:13:35,369 --> 01:13:36,328
We smoke,

1752
01:13:36,328 --> 01:13:37,538
10 minutes later, we're paralyzed.

1753
01:13:37,538 --> 01:13:38,247
Nobody can move.

1754
01:13:40,290 --> 01:13:41,834
My father stands up on the dock,

1755
01:13:41,834 --> 01:13:43,961
scares the shit out of
all of us

1756
01:13:43,961 --> 01:13:45,754
"Shut up!"

1757
01:13:49,049 --> 01:13:49,800
"I didn't say anything."

1758
01:13:49,800 --> 01:13:51,301
"Shut up!"

1759
01:13:52,469 --> 01:13:53,971
"I didn't say anything."

1760
01:13:55,180 --> 01:13:58,183
"I think there's a dolphin
stuck underneath the dock."

1761
01:14:00,310 --> 01:14:01,311
I said, "What?"

1762
01:14:01,311 --> 01:14:04,398
"Yeah, I hear it. It
sounded like it's panic."

1763
01:14:04,398 --> 01:14:06,191
[dolphin noises]

1764
01:14:06,692 --> 01:14:08,360
"You no believe me, come over here."

1765
01:14:08,360 --> 01:14:11,113
I walk near my father on the
dock, I put my ear to the dock.

1766
01:14:11,113 --> 01:14:11,905
I hear the same thing.

1767
01:14:12,614 --> 01:14:13,490
I look at my boys.

1768
01:14:13,490 --> 01:14:15,617
I go, "Bro, there's a fucking
dolphin under the dock."

1769
01:14:18,620 --> 01:14:19,454
For 10 minutes,

1770
01:14:19,454 --> 01:14:20,831
we're on the dock waiting for
the dolphin,

1771
01:14:20,831 --> 01:14:22,291
high off our ass.

1772
01:14:22,291 --> 01:14:24,251
My little brother comes outta
the house who didn't smoke,

1773
01:14:24,251 --> 01:14:26,879
and thank God, 'cause we'd still be there.

1774
01:14:26,879 --> 01:14:27,963
He goes, "Ant, what's going on?"

1775
01:14:27,963 --> 01:14:30,549
I said, "Bro, there's a
dolphin stuck under the dock."

1776
01:14:30,549 --> 01:14:30,924
"What?"

1777
01:14:30,924 --> 01:14:32,259
"Yeah, it's buggin out, it's goin,"

1778
01:14:32,259 --> 01:14:33,552
[dolphins noises]

1779
01:14:34,052 --> 01:14:35,345
He goes, "Come over here."

1780
01:14:35,345 --> 01:14:36,180
I said, "What?"

1781
01:14:36,180 --> 01:14:37,264
"How much did you smoke?"

1782
01:14:37,264 --> 01:14:38,265
"Not a lot."

1783
01:14:38,265 --> 01:14:39,099
"Not a lot?"

1784
01:14:39,099 --> 01:14:40,559
"You assholes don't
realize that sound's coming

1785
01:14:40,559 --> 01:14:41,560
from the ceiling fan?"

1786
01:14:47,316 --> 01:14:49,568
I never felt dumber in my life.

1787
01:14:49,568 --> 01:14:50,777
I looked up, the whole fan was
going:

1788
01:14:50,777 --> 01:14:52,446
[fan sqeaking noise]

1789
01:14:52,863 --> 01:14:54,239
I go to turn it off, it goes:

1790
01:14:54,239 --> 01:14:55,741
[dying fan sqeak]

1791
01:14:56,283 --> 01:14:57,618
My father jumped in the water.

1792
01:14:59,494 --> 01:15:00,704
The last thing you heard,

1793
01:15:00,704 --> 01:15:02,831
"He's not gonna make it!"

1794
01:15:04,541 --> 01:15:06,710
Thank God the water was low
tide and only up to his chest,

1795
01:15:06,710 --> 01:15:08,212
'cause he can't swim,

1796
01:15:08,212 --> 01:15:09,630
but he couldn't feel his legs,

1797
01:15:09,630 --> 01:15:10,589
so he started drowning.

1798
01:15:10,589 --> 01:15:12,007
He thought he was drowning.

1799
01:15:12,007 --> 01:15:14,426
I looked over the dock,
he was crying hysterical.

1800
01:15:14,426 --> 01:15:15,844
I'm dying laughing.

1801
01:15:16,845 --> 01:15:18,347
I'm going, "Dad, are you all right?"

1802
01:15:18,347 --> 01:15:20,182
"Anthony, [sobbing]

1803
01:15:20,182 --> 01:15:21,642
Please, what I gotta do.

1804
01:15:21,642 --> 01:15:22,851
I don't wanna die."

1805
01:15:22,851 --> 01:15:23,852
I said, "Dad!

1806
01:15:23,852 --> 01:15:25,896
If you keep cry,
you're gonna die.

1807
01:15:29,191 --> 01:15:31,777
And if you die, you're
gonna miss your birthday."

1808
01:15:33,362 --> 01:15:36,198
Paramount, you guys have
been a hell of a crowd!

1809
01:16:00,097 --> 01:16:02,099
Hold on, Scrib. Hold on, Scrib.

1810
01:16:02,099 --> 01:16:03,350
I think my mini me has-

1811
01:16:03,350 --> 01:16:04,351
you wanna say something?

1812
01:16:04,351 --> 01:16:05,352
Go ahead.

1813
01:16:05,769 --> 01:16:07,646
Thank you, Long Island.

1814
01:16:07,646 --> 01:16:09,189
Thank you, guys.