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First comedy special.
I'm pumped, first time I'm actually nervous for a show,
but it's good nerves.
Found you on Instagram on the pandemic,
and I've been watching you ever since.
Anthony, you're the best.
Can't wait for your shot tonight.
He's hysterical.
Yeah, Gabagool
You always make us laugh.
You are hilarious.
It's sauce, not gravy.
My mom and I have been watching your videos
since during COVID and we love them.
Hysterical.
Anthony, we love you.
I hope I'm gonna laugh my ass off.
Kick some ass.
Long Island, New York, make some noise!
Give it up for my man, my friend, Anthony Rodia!
What's up, Long Island!
God damn! Woo!
This is uncharted waters for me, okay?
I'm not used to this. I'm used to you guys being there.
I'm not used to a bunch of people watching me at home,
so I don't know what they're gonna think,
what they're gonna say, okay?
Now hopefully there'll be millions
of people across the world that watch this
and I want them to know that their opinion matters,
kind of, so,
I know how you guys are,
but for the people at home watching this,
I want you to know I'm aware
that there are different types of people in this world.
I'm aware people have different tolerance,
different sense of humor, I know.
So I want you to know that if you're watching this,
and for the next hour, I trigger you, I offend you.
You feel attacked or I piss you off,
I want you to know, I don't give a fuck.
I don't care.
And I got news for you, neither does anyone else.
I don't care.
You know how entitled you have to be
to sit there and go, "I don't like this.
I wanna change."
Shut the fuck up.
I was a little kid.
I'd walk in the living room. My father would be watching TV.
I'd go, "Dad, I don't like this."
"Okay, close your fucking eyes."
People gotta stop, man.
Especially when it comes to comedy,
'cause comedy should never be looked at as an attack.
We all deal with shit. No one's living a perfect life.
You're dealing with shit. I'm dealing with shit.
You got people that's dealing with worse shit.
And when you come to a comedy show,
you shouldn't feel attacked.
You should feel able to escape all the bullshit out there
and in here, we laugh.
That's it.
I can't stand it, man.
And I, listen, I'll admit, I'm not normal, okay?
I got a messed up mind.
I create comedy from every situation in life.
I wake up laughing in the morning. My wife hates it.
She's like, "Why're you so happy?"
Why're you so miserable?
I find comedy in everything, okay?
Now there are times that I want to be serious
and comedy finds me.
Perfect example, two weeks ago, went to a wake.
Not a place for comedy.
Although the lady that saw me walk in didn't think that.
Soon as I walk in, "Oh my God, oh my God, I love you.
What are you doing here?"
"I'm performing. What do you think I'm doing here?"
What do you think?
I'm gonna jump on the casket and do a quick set?
So I go into the wake, I'm sitting in the back of the room,
I'm hanging out with a couple of my friends, my cousins,
and I'm trying to behave.
Trying to act mature.
And out comes the deacon to give the mass.
Four and a half foot Asian guy
that looked exactly like Mr. Chow from "Hangover," okay?
I look up, I'm like, "Why you gotta do this to me?"
I'm trying to behave.
So I'm saying to myself, "We're still good."
So he looks like Mr. Chow.
There's no way this guy is gonna have
a full-blown Asian accent.
He had the strongest Asian accent.
The guy's first word was hallelujah.
Why do you have to pick a word with
so many letter L's in it?
He came out, "Hallelujah."
I looked up, "Why are you doing this to me?
I'm trying to behave myself.
I got my wife here. Why are you doing this to me?"
So now I'm trying to keep it in.
Then he starts talking
and telling everybody the difference
between a deacon and a priest.
He goes, "I know some of you are looking at me
and you're thinking why does he have
a ribbon going across his chest?
Because I'm no priest.
A priest have a round shoulder.
I'm a deacon. We go across the chest.
Plus a priest cannot get married. I'm married."
I'm sitting there going like, I'm praying.
I'm making up my own prayers.
Our Father, who art in heaven, please don't make me laugh.
I'll keep it in,
I'll only grin 'cause my wife will kick my ass.
Then he goes up to a friend of mine,
like a pop quiz at a wake.
I've never seen this before.
He goes, "Hey you, what do you do?"
He goes, "I'm a firefighter."
"Oh, good, big man."
Do you live alone?"
He goes, "Yeah."
"Good, what if you had a million dollar in your closet
and somebody was breaking into your house
to take your money, are you prepared?"
He goes, "I don't know."
"Well, do you have a dog?"
He goes, "Yeah."
What dog?
He goes, "A German Shepherd."
Oh, that's a big dog.
But if that dog don't save you life,
are you prepared to stop this man?
He goes, "No, I'm not prepared."
Exactly, and that bring me to my question for you.
When it come time for God to bring you to the kingdom,
are you gonna be prepared?
What?
How the fuck did you just connect those dots?
And then he blew my mind.
He goes, I don't know
what your plan is for this person,
but you can either bury her or cremate.
And when people cremate, they ask me question all time.
Can we share the ashes?
Meaning can my brother have some,
my mother have some, my sister.
No.
Because when God come
to resurrect this body,
the body part gonna be all over the place.
It's not my fault sometimes, okay?
But I do try to look at life from
a comedic standpoint, okay?
Like what's going on now, you have to laugh.
Shit is so dumb right now.
It's comedy everywhere.
Everywhere, I mean, look what's going on.
You got guys that think they can have babies.
I got approached by a guy after one of my shows.
He said, "Yo, man, I like your comedy.
I don't like your views."
I was like, "Oh, I like your hair.
I don't like your shoes."
What are we doing?
I said, "What's the matter, dude?
What did I say to piss you off?"
He goes, "You said on your podcast
that men cannot give birth."
I said, "Well, I still stand by that.
I've had plenty of sex in my life
and I've never gotten pregnant."
He goes, "Well, I'm gonna prove you wrong."
And he shows me a picture of a Calvin Klein ad
and it's a woman with her arms wrapped
around her pregnant husband's stomach.
And I said, "What makes you think
that pregnant person is a man?"
He goes, Open your eyes, asshole. He has a beard."
I said, "So do three of my aunts in Italy."
You've never seen an Italian woman before?
My wife is Calabrese.
If she doesn't get laser once every three months,
she'll have a goatee.
You wanna see baby pictures of my daughter when she was born
and we thought we gave birth to a capuchin monkey.
People are outta control, man. They're outta control.
I don't even know what to say sometimes, how to react.
Like I read an article. This is twisted, man.
Two people meet on Tinder, right?
They go on three dates.
The woman tells him on the third date,
"I like you enough to be fully honest with you.
I was not born a woman.
I'm a transgender and I'm still equipped with a penis.
I hope that doesn't change things."
Lemme tell you something.
When I was 26, I was dating a girl that was a twelve.
Girl was a knockout.
Went to the beach after our third week of dating.
I broke up with her 'cause she had a fucked up big toe.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
I said, "What is that? Looks like E.T.
We can't see each other anymore."
You think I'm letting a dick slide?
What if it's bigger than mine?
Now I can't even take mine out.
You drop your drawers. Oh, God bless.
I can't give it to you now.
He stopped seeing her.
She went on the internet, called him transphobic.
Homophobic, why? Why?
Like if I go into Carvel
or any ice cream store and I go, "What's up man?
What flavors you got?"
We have vanilla and dick.
I'm gonna go vanilla.
I'm not afraid of the dick.
I just don't wanna put it in my mouth.
So stupid, man.
And you know what? You know why everyone's acting like this?
You know where the stupidity came from?
The stupidity came from the pandemic.
After the pandemic, all the assholes
and the stupid people came outta the woodworks.
Everybody, everybody came outta the woodwork.
But everybody was at each other's throats.
Wear a mask. Don't wear a mask.
Get vaccinated. Don't get vaccinated.
It was bullshit.
Everybody should mind
their fucking business, okay, everybody.
Do what you wanna do for you, okay?
That bullshit, that bullshit saying,
oh, protect thy neighbor.
I don't like my neighbor.
I don't even talk to my neighbor, okay?
Ever since he kept blowing his leaves up my property,
I don't like my neighbor.
Okay, plus he's a penis popper. I don't like my neighbor.
I'll explain to you what a penis popper is
because you didn't even realize you have friends
that do this.
You didn't know there was a name for it.
There is, penis popper.
Every time he talks to me, he gets very awkward.
Pops his penis at me.
And you don't understand, I'm attracted to motion, so now
Every time he sees me, "Hey, what's going on, Ant?
How's the comedy thing going, huh?
Still touring around the world?"
That's good. How's the family?
How are the little ones?"
I don't know what little ones are you talking about?
My kids or your balls,
What are you talking about?
Then he's always that person to pull me in
and tell me a secret.
A deep, deep personal secret.
I don't know him like that.
He calls me and goes, "Come here, come here, come here.
Last night, me and my wife went out to a bar
and we took a woman home."
You kidnapped somebody? What are you talking about?
No. God forbid.
No, once in a while,
my wife allows me to bring a woman home,
have sex with her as long
as my wife is in the room with us."
I said, "Chris, I usually ignore everything you say to me,
but right now, you have my undivided
attention."
No wonder why you pop your penis.
I said, "My wife doesn't let me golf twice in the same week.
How'd you pull that off?
What is there like a permission slip I can get her to sign?"
He's like, "Come on, man.
You have the gift of gab, funny guy, good looking.
You don't think you can convince your wife
into allowing you to sleep with another woman
as long as she's in the room?"
No.
I got enough trouble trying
to convince my wife to sleep with me when she's in the room.
What do you think,
she's gonna let another participant join in?
And what do you think my very Italian,
Calabrese thick-headed wife is gonna do?
Sit there with a notepad and take notes?
She's gonna be sitting there taking jabs at me trying
to embarrass me at my most vulnerable point, okay?
"Yeah, he breathes heavy.
Did he tell you he has sleep apnea?
Sleeps with one of those masks on,
looks like a fighter jet pilot.
I actually call him Maverick every night
before he goes to bed."
But all the shit during the pandemic, man,
I couldn't stand it.
And a lot of us did stupid shit, right?
Most of us stopped when it didn't make sense, right?
We started thinking, "Wait a minute,
if I walked into a restaurant
I could take off my mask once I sit down.
So that means the virus is here
but not here."
So stupid.
A lot of us dealt with it though,
right, at the beginning.
We would run to a store, get to the front door,
realize we didn't have a mask.
Flip out, run back to the car, put it on.
After three months, we stop.
We walk to the door,
ah, fuck,
yeah you know what, fuck this.
What I loved most were the social distancing mats
that they told you where to stand, where it was safe.
I felt like a monopoly game piece.
Sir!
Right, the red one?
I can advance.
The funniest thing is you couldn't sneeze
or cough in public for two years.
People would lose their shit.
I remember I went to go pick my daughter up from school.
There was 19 parents standing there.
I had a mask on with everybody else
and I feel a sneeze come on.
I'm like, Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Because if you sneezed in public,
they would think you were infected.
They'd flip out,
"Kill him!"
So I'm trying to hold it.
I'm doing that stupid sneeze hold.
It wasn't working. This thing was coming out.
It came out, I squeezed my fucking nose
and my mouth so hard, I almost shit my pants.
As soon as it came out,
[Makes fart noise]
oh my God.
I did that thing you do when you think you shit your pants,
you poke some of your jeans
into your ass to see if it's wet.
The lady next to me, she goes, "Sir, did you just sneeze?"
I said, "No, I think I shit my pants."
Oh, thank God. He just shit his pants.
I go, what kind of world are we living in
where you could shit your pants, but you can't sneeze?
It was insane, man.
Crazy, crazy times.
And people are still doing shit.
And here's the thing, you do what you want.
I'm not gonna bother you.
You wanna wear a mask, wear two mask, go ahead.
Go ahead. I'm not gonna bother you.
But if you go overboard and do something stupid,
it's my job to tell you you're stupid,
because then you're gonna reproduce
and I need to stop you from doing so.
I need to call you stupid before you reproduce, okay?
Like there was a guy at the airport almost got kicked out.
I'm checking my bags, he's next to me.
He's got two masks on.
But then he's got that plastic shield.
Like he's about to weld metal together.
So I chose a way to tell him he was stupid.
I knocked on it.
[knocking noises]
What are you doing?
Seeing if anyone's home.
What are you doing that for?
It's safety.
No, it's not. It's stupidity.
How do you figure?
I don't know, I can slide my hand underneath and tickle your nose.
People are outta control, man.
But the trophy, if there was a stupidity trophy,
that trophy is handed to one type of person out there.
The person that's driving by themselves with a mask on.
Oh, what, what the fuck?
I wanna interview one of these people.
Like what is in your car that has you so scared?
What'd you shit your pants, you don't wanna smell it?
What's wrong?
'Cause I get scared when I pull up
to 'em at a red light.
They got the steering wheel underneath their chin.
I'm like, what, do you have a car full
of midgets with COVID?
What is in your car?
It's nuts, man.
Crazy world that we live in.
And I'm raising kids in it. And that's even scarier, man.
Like I don't mind, like, listen, adults are weird.
Adults are assholes.
But what gets me is when adults allow their kids to be weird
and don't tell them,
"Hey,
you're gonna get the shit kicked
outta you once you get to middle school
for doing this."
Right?
Like a lot of kids are doing weird shit.
They're gonna school dressed up as animals
when it's not Halloween, right?
And you always think it's never happening
until it happens at one of your kids' schools.
So my daughter comes home one day.
Tells me this kid, Vincent,
that was at my house a year ago for her birthday party
and was perfectly normal,
now thinks he's a kitty cat
and he no longer speaks, he meows, okay?
I said, "What?"
"Yeah, he meows, Daddy.
He doesn't talk to anybody."
Have you tried to speak to him?
Yeah, but when you get too close,
he hisses and goes to scratch you.
I said, "Okay."
What should I do? Should I ignore him?
No, no, go to school tomorrow and fucking bite him.
He wants to be a cat. Let him get treated like a cat.
What if a teacher yells at me?
Tell her you identify as a rottweiler, okay?
My wife's looking at me.
She's going, "If she does this, you're going to school
and you're dealing with it."
I know, and I'm gonna bum-rush
the principal's office like one of these weird parents
that support everything their kid does.
"Yes, I know what my daughter did,
but who the hell thought it was a good idea
to put a dog in the same classroom as a cat, who?"
We've been training her to be a service dog,
you piece of shit.
And that comes from how you raise your kids.
I was raised old school.
Can you imagine me walking home from school,
go in to my house,
and my father asked me how my day was, and I meow at him?
Can you imagine?
"Hey, what's up son? How was school?"
[meows]
"I said, how was school?"
[meows]
Oh, you a cat?
Oh, that's a beautiful, do it again.
[meows]
Awe, come here. Lemme show you something.
Come here. No, come here.
I wanna show you something outside.
Now you stray, cat, you piece of shit.
So stupid, man.
Scary times, man.
And it's tough enough raising kids.
It's tough.
It's tough, man. My kids are like me.
My daughter repeats everything.
So I gotta watch what I say constantly.
Constantly.
And I gotta watch what my dad says to her,
'cause my dad slips a lot,
and he don't realize what he's saying, okay?
Couple of weeks ago, he's at my house,
he's in the pool with the kids.
I come outside.
I'm like, "Dad, you need anything?"
"No, I'm having a good time with my grandkids."
So my daughter's in the deep end, right?
Well, it's kind of-
I call it an Italian deep end,
It's five and a half feet, right?
I can dive.
I don't care about anyone else.
It's my pool.
My father is on the steps in the shallow end.
My daughter goes, "Nonno,
can you come into the deep end with me?"
He goes, "No, I'm comfortable over here."
I said, "Nonno can't swim."
He goes, "Who told you that?"
I said, "My childhood."
[audience laughing]
I wasn't allowed
to go in the water past here on your thighs.
He goes, "Oh yeah?
Watch this, tough guy."
Goes underwater, swims sideways to the other wall.
Sideways though, not the length of the pool, comes up,
"How you think I got over here, I take a Uber?"
I said, "Very good, now swim to your granddaughter."
I can't.
I know, 'cause you can't swim.
Just admit it.
Anthony, the problem is not I can't swim.
I cannot breathe underwater.
That's not swimming.
So I go inside
and all of a sudden my wife sees him on the Ring Camera,
goes, "Ant, you gotta go outside."
I said, "Why?"
He's teaching Gabriela how to swim.
Mind you, my daughter's been in swim class
since she was two.
She's like a fucking dolphin in the water.
He's gonna erase all that.
So I run outside and I see him with his arms out.
She's laying across his arms
and he's going, "Okay, kick your feet now.
Beautiful, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick.
Yeah, kick, kick, kick.
Okay, now move your arms like doggy style."
I said, "What'd you just say?"
I'm teaching your daughter how to swim?
Yeah, no, no, no. What'd you tell her to do with her arms?
Doggy style, that make you swim.
No, doggy paddle makes you swim.
Doggy style is how I made her, okay?
I said, "Gabriela, get inside the house."
Kids are tough, man. You try to give 'em everything.
But I'm learning.
I'm learning certain things are not worth it, like vacation.
Not worth going on vacation with little kids.
It's not worth it. They shouldn't even call it a vacation.
They should call it an aggravation relocation.
'Cause all you're doing is taking the aggravation you deal
with at home and you're bringing it closer
to the equator, that's it.
And you're paying for it. That's the funny thing.
You pay for it.
I also didn't know you can't get laid
when you take little kids away.
I don't know why, but every time you're
in the mood, who can't sleep?
Who's having nightmares?
I even got a two-bedroom suite when we went away.
Two-bedroom suite.
We went to The Bahamas, right? Beautiful resort.
I just didn't like the layout. Didn't like the layout.
Didn't appreciate the layout.
They had the singles resort right next to the family resort.
And you had to walk past the singles pool
to get to the family pool filled with piss, okay?
On my vacation, I don't need a glimpse of
what my life could've been like, okay?
All right?
See a bunch of people sitting there
with no FUPA, full metabolism, dancing around, happy.
They look like they all got laid the night before.
Girls are on guys' shoulders having chicken fights.
My wife's like, "We can do chicken fights."
I'm like, "After two kids,
you got no control of your bladder.
You're gonna piss right down the center of my back."
One bounce, boom, right down the center of my back.
But I wouldn't mind if I got laid.
Every night, I struck out.
Finally, the last day she wakes me up at 7:00 AM,
"Hey, you wanna have sex before the kids wake up?"
You thought you had to ask?
All these years we've been together,
have you ever asked me for sex and I said,
"Mm, no, not tonight,
I have a headache"?
My back hurts. My legs hurt.
My wrist hurt. My nose hurts.
My hair hurts. It's raining out.
It's snowing out.
It's dry out. It's humid out.
My mom doesn't feel good.
My father lost his job. My best friend got a divorce.
I watched something scary on TV. I had too much ice cream.
I'm bloated. I have my period.
Have I ever said any of those things to you?
You women don't need to seduce your men.
You don't need romantic music. You don't need candlelight.
All you gotta do is look at 'em.
Wanna fuck?
Yep.
So I said, "Let's go."
She goes, "Okay, keep your clothes on.
No need to get undressed. The kids are gonna be up soon.
You have to make it quick."
I said, "Okay."
She don't even know. She just activated rush mode.
I have two modes when it comes to sex.
All night mode, that's when I know the kids
are either sleeping out, I'm not gonna get interrupted.
I can do everything I wanna do.
I can have it all about her.
I can get the hips involved.
I can raise my leg on different levels
to change the angle of insertion.
I can get scuba gear on, go deep sea diving for a bit.
But rush mode, I don't even care that she's there.
My eyes are closed the whole time. I don't care.
I got one goal in mind
and that's to finish as quickly as possible
and go on with the rest of my day, okay?
And I'm telling you right now,
it's not gonna be sexy, romantic, cute.
You might look up and see this.
I don't care.
I know what I look like. I also know what noises I make.
I sound like the Tasmanian Devil, okay?
[inaudbile noises]
She stops me.
She goes, "Stop, stop, stop, stop."
I go, "What?"
What are you doing? I'm trying to finish.
I wanna finish too.
We don't have time for that.
I'll get you when we go back home.
She goes, "At least gimme a chance."
I said, "How am I not giving you a chance?
She goes, "You're going so hard and fast,
you're making the headboard hit the wall.
It's gonna wake up the kids.
They're gonna wake up sooner.
Plus you're talking a lot, Ant. I don't need instructions.
Shut up.
And I'm gonna keep telling you,
stop putting my legs all the way back.
I'm not flexible. Do you not understand?"
I said, "I understand."
but I get confused because then sometimes I'll walk past
the bathroom and I'll see you sitting
on the shower floor shaving the back of your thighs
with your fucking leg back here.
I didn't know that was only for the shower.
I said, "But no problem.
If I have to do that, I'll do that.
Okay? I won't go hard.
I won't go fast.
I won't talk and I won't touch you."
She goes, "Thank you."
I looked like I was shivering.
I almost get there. I'm almost at the finish line.
I make the mistake to look to my left,
three-year-old son standing there the whole time.
Why don't kids say anything unless you make eye contact?
What is that about?
The kid's standing there like a zombie.
Now I'm almost there. I'm not stopping.
It puts me in a bad mood.
So I gotta continue to go and talk to my son,
"What's up Luca?
What's the matter, bro, you can't sleep?"
Now he's getting mad,
'cause I'm doing something to his mom,
and he don't know what it is.
"What are you doing to my mommy, daddy?"
I'm dancing.
That was the dumbest shit I could've said.
He loves to dance.
The kid jumped on my back,
started doing the same shit to me.
Thank God he had pajamas on.
Got me in a bear hug.
"Good morning, Daddy.
Am I doing okay, Daddy?"
My wife looked up at me, she goes, "Anthony?"
I go, "Oh my God, I forgot, I'm sorry.
Luca, you can't go hard,
You can't go fast. You can't..."
I was finishing.
It is not easy to be married to me, boy.
I got an imagination, smart ass attitude.
But whatever, man. You gotta make fun of it.
Listen, marriage is marriage, man.
It'll be 10 years for me next year
and I don't think I'm gonna make it, don't clap.
Don't clap, woo!
Like I just graduated fat camp, it's fucking marriage.
She already has a plan, "Oh my God,
can we go to Aruba on our 10-year anniversary,
invite our family and renew our vows on the beach?"
I go, "Yeah, do I have to give the same answer?"
I don't know how it works. If I say no, am I free to go?
But marriage is very similar for a lot of us, man.
You know, the only people that have a really good marriage
are the people that lie about it on social media, okay?
Like the Valentine's Day posts, I love those.
This is my forever, my only.
The air I breathe. Oh, bullshit.
All you women show your husband,
"Look at these fucking liars.
Look at that.
Guy looks at it, "Yeah, I know for
a fact he's got three goomars, that's bullshit."
And I hate Valentine's, man.
Valentine's Day is a made up holiday
and all the single people get mad
at the people that have someone,
so you guys try to post online to fuck us.
My wife looked at me, she was on the couch on Valentine's.
She goes, "Oh my God, d'you see this?
D'you see this meme?"
I go, "What is it?"
It says if you trust your spouse,
trade cell phones for the day.
No.
She goes, "You wouldn't trade phones for the day?"
No, I wouldn't trade phone for an hour.
Right away, she goes, "Who's the bitch?"
I said, "Why has it always gotta be a woman?"
I said, "Actually, it's not a woman.
It's 10 times worse."
She goes, "What are you talking about?"
I said, Michelle,
I'm in group chats with my friends and cousins
and we send each other the sickest shit,
that if you saw it,
you'd probably try to get the kids taken away from me."
There's times I look at it, I'm going,
"What the am I doing in here?"
She didn't believe me, so I gave her my phone.
I said, "Here's a group chat that's been going
for two years.
It's five of my boys, five of my cousins.
Have at it. Don't judge me."
The first video,
she looked, she goes, "Oh my god."
It's my cousin Marco, 295 pounds, covered in tattoos,
standing in front of his sink in the bathroom
with his dick tucked in between his legs.
Behind him on the mirror,
written in steam is, "Be my Valentine."
And you know he put work into it
because he had to write that shit backwards,
so you were able to read it.
And then you hit 'Play'
and he goes, "Put the lotion in the basket."
I said, "You think that's bad?
Stop scrolling right now."
Then she scrolls down and she goes, "I knew it, you pervert.
Who's the girl taking a shower with the phenomenal ass?"
I said, "Watch the video until the end."
She goes,
"Ah!"
Same sound I made when I found out she had a dick.
Same sound.
The only difference is I watched
it seven more times, but same sound.
Then she scrolls down to the good stuff.
And I know she found, what I know she found
because her eyes kept getting wider.
She's going,
"What the fuck is wrong with you people?"
I go, "What are you looking at?"
Why do you all send each other's pictures of your shit
in the toilet?
I said, "I got a perfect explanation for that, okay?
First of all, we don't just send a picture of our shit.
It has to look like a letter."
Every morning between the hours of 7:00 AM
and 10:00 AM, everyone in the chat drops a deuce.
If it looks like a letter
and only if it looks like a letter,
you send it into the chat
and then you have until noon to make
as many words with the letters given.
We call it shitty Scrabble.
The person with the most words doesn't pay
for golf the next week.
I don't know if you care. I'm a three-time champion.
She goes, "How do you even a letter, Ant?
How do you make it look like a letter?"
Well, there's a lot of work that goes into it, Michelle.
Okay, diet has a lot to do with it.
You gotta make sure it comes out soft
and then you learn to use your ass like
a soft serve ice cream machine.
You have to lift a little off the bowl.
She goes, "Is that you with the capital letter Q?"
I said, "How did you know that was me?"
"I recognize the tiles in the background.
How did you do a Q?"
Ya know, a lot of coordination.
You know, you gotta lift up a little, just...
Never touched my phone again.
But, listen, a lot of you women worry about the same shit.
Like you women think that if you let your husband go out,
that women just attack him nonstop.
My wife thinks that.
She thinks I get attacked by vagina nonstop every time.
I step off a plane
and just women run up to me, touch it, touch it, touch it.
And I'm sitting there fighting it off.
No!
I go, it's not that easy.
What do you think, a bunch of women are going out going,
"I'm telling you right now, ladies,
the first Italian I see 5'6 with love handles,
I'm banging the shit out of him."
I said to her though, "Here's my problem with that.
You look at me
and you see something irresistible that every woman wants
to have sex with except you,
how's that possible?
If I'm so irresistible,
how is it so easy for you to go, 'Mm get off'?"
She gets worried though, man. I'm on the road a lot.
Went to Vegas a couple months ago.
She was like, "Behave."
I said, "What do you mean?"
Behave, don't do anything stupid.
I said, "Well, after nine years of marriage,
we've established that we have different definitions
of stupid, okay?
'Cause I just went on a golf trip
and on the third hole, we took chocolate mushrooms,
and by the ninth hole,
we were doing snow angels in the sand trap.
You thought that was stupid.
I thought time of my life."
She goes, "You know what the fuck I mean."
So I'm sitting in Vegas. I have a show that night.
I'm sitting at the blackjack table two o'clock
in the afternoon and I look on the casino floor
and I see a woman walking onto the casino floor,
one of the hottest women I've ever seen in my life.
Black hair, blue eyes, sick body, Lululemon pants.
Oh, my weakness.
She's looking right at me with a stuck smile on her face
and coming right towards me just.
Now, fellas, you know when you see a woman
that's a 12 smiling at you, walking towards you,
you're thinking what every other married guy is thinking.
This bitch knows my wife. I'm being set up.
That's not normal. I don't pull 12's.
7.5's maybe, not 12's.
Occasionally a 9, not 12's.
Girl's got no body fat, no FUPA, nothing.
Comes up to me, sits down.
She goes, "How you doing?"
I go, "Good. How's my wife?
You talk to her recently?"
She goes, "I don't know your wife.
Is that you on the poster?"
I said, "It is."
You have a show tonight?
I do.
Can I come?
You can.
She goes, "What are you doing before the show?"
Just play a little blackjack. Gonna go upstairs, take a nap.
She goes, "Maybe I should come with you."
I said, "You sure you don't know my wife?"
She's like, "No."
I said, "Mm I'm good. This seems a little weird."
She goes, "Well, I can assure you
if you let me come upstairs with you,
it'll be the best $4,000 you've ever spent."
Oh, you're working.
I'm sorry did you say 4,000?
She goes, "Yeah."
That's like $1,000 dollars a minute.
I'm not stupid.
And that's if I last four minutes.
If I last two minutes, that's $2,000 a minute.
It's even worse.
I said, "I'm good, sweetheart.
Thank you so much,
but I cannot sleep with an escort, I'm good."
She goes, "Okay, no problem.
But I just wanna inform you
that it's 2023 and we no longer enjoy
or appreciate the word escort.
We like to go by, 'Woman of the Night.'"
I said, "Oh, okay.
I'd like to inform you, it's two o'clock in the afternoon,
so I'm gonna call you a midday puttana."
I tell my wife this story.
She listens to the whole thing and goes, "Yeah, okay.
You probably fucked her."
Can't win, man.
But marriage is a challenge and a lot of things change.
A lot of things change.
And you find out how different you are along the way.
Like we know men and women are different, right?
Men are just, like, listen, if your husband's an asshole,
he's probably a 6-year-old asshole.
We don't change much.
But you women do things on purpose,
so you don't do them like us.
And some things are not meant to be changed.
Some things are meant to be done naturally, like farting.
Just do it.
Stop changing it. It's dangerous, okay?
Every guy in this entire theater farts exactly
the same, right?
Same sound.
[fart noise]
[bigger fart noise]
We get happy the louder it is.
We get really happy the smellier it is.
I don't know why, right?
You ever wanna share your fart with someone, right?
You go, "Yo, bro, open your mouth."
I smell my fart all the time. Love it.
What I don't get is why do we smell it?
Smells like shit. Almost throw up.
Smell it again. I don't know why that is.
You're driving in your car.
[small fart noise]
Now I know what a lot of you women are thinking.
That's nasty. That is nasty.
You smell your fart? Yep.
And during the pandemic, it was helpful.
I did it for you people, okay?
Every day I would leave my house,
I would fart and smell it first,
'cause I knew if I smelled it, I didn't have COVID.
I knew that.
I gave myself a little rapid test
before I left the house.
Every day.
Protect thy neighbor.
But here's the thing about farting
that you women don't realize.
That noise that we make that you hate,
it means cover your nose, air quality's about to get bad.
It's respect for you ladies.
Why don't you give us the same respect, huh?
Bunch of silent-ass assassins.
Yeah, you know what the fuck I'm talking about.
How does air come outta your ass at seven miles an hour,
no vibrational sound, how?
My wife almost killed me one night in bed.
I didn't know what to do
'cause I didn't recognize the noise.
You ever look for a noise?
By the time I realized it, I was almost gone.
11 o'clock, this is the noise I hear.
[pffftt]
She goes, "What's the matter?"
You didn't hear that?
What'd it sound like?
Like Superman just flew over the house.
She goes, "Maybe it was the TV."
Maybe.
10 minutes later, my eyes started burning.
She must've moved under the blanket
and the air pocket came up.
I'm fucking crying. I'm going, "What the hell is going on?"
She looks at me with a straight face, "Oh my God,
I had pasta e fagioli at my mother's house."
That was you?
Yeah.
The (blows) was you?
Yeah.
Why didn't you say anything?
I didn't think it was gonna smell.
42 years old, this was your first fart?
What're ya gonna do? It's marriage.
Things change. You adapt.
Like sex, sex changes.
Oh, sex changes.
I'm not talking about how frequently it happens
'cause I like breaks and I like to do it
by myself once in a while.
But it changes.
I'm talking about how it happens.
Very different.
When you dated,
fully naked almost every time you banged.
Fully naked.
Shoes, socks, pants, everything.
I haven't been naked in eight years.
It's like my wife's preparing for a fire drill.
Why are we dressed?
Sometimes she'll negotiate with me,
"Hey, I had a long day with the kids,
you mind if I just take one pant leg off?"
With my imagination? No.
In my head, it's gonna feel like I'm banging someone
that was amputated.
It's gonna fuck me up.
And then I need to know, what are you gonna do with the leg?
What, are you gonna pin it up on your thigh like
a war veteran?
I said "Why don't we just cut the crotch
out of all your pajamas, you just keep everything on?"
And then I came up with a plan.
You guys gotta write this down.
This is gonna save a lot of arguments,
'cause, ladies, I know.
I know the one thing you hate is when sex
is the last thing on your mind
and this horny bastard wants some, okay?
I know, but in our defense,
we don't know when you're horny.
It's not like God made your nipples flash.
We don't know.
It's easy for us.
We have a tent in our pants.
So I came up with a plan.
I'm gonna buy my wife six to seven pairs of onesie pajamas.
But the ones with the little latch that comes down
and I told her, "When you want it,
leave that shit open.
When you don't want it, close up shop.
I'll sleep in the basement."
And then sometimes she tries to get me
to keep my clothes on.
I don't like that, I like to be naked.
One night she goes, "Hey, the kids are still out,
we can do it,
but leave your T-shirt on
that way God forbid, they run in,
you cover up and run out."
Where? I'm gonna go to the neighbor's house?
I'm gonna go watch the game with penis popper
with a T-shirt on?
It wasn't even a T-shirt that I would wear out,
it was a house shirt.
The thing didn't fit me two and a half years ago.
It just came to here.
So I do it. I keep it on.
I'm behind her trying to give her my A-game.
And also trying not to look at myself in the mirror to see
what I look like with just a t-shirt on.
I couldn't help it.
Stared right in the mirror,
started laughing my off.
She turned around and she goes, "Are you laughing?"
Uh-huh
At what?
I said, "Do you not see our reflection in the mirror?"
She goes, "Yeah."
It doesn't look like you're getting banged by
Winnie-the-Pooh?
I felt like I should be holding a jar of honey in my arms.
Then there's certain positions you gotta ask permission for.
Certain positions, imagine that?
Like I had to ask her one night,
I said, "Hey, can you get on top for a little bit tonight?"
She's like, "Don't make me go up there."
I didn't tell you to go on the roof
and put up Christmas lights.
I said, get on top of your husband.
I think I have vertigo.
Since when?
When we dated, I didn't have to ask.
All I would have to do is lay down on the bed on my back
with an erection
and she'd come outta nowhere like a superhero.
"Shhh,
hold it, hold it, I'm gonna do something, hold it."
Now you have vertigo?
Another thing that changes. When you dated,
you went a long time.
She would call her friends, "Yo, he rocked my world."
45 minutes straight.
Now you go too long, you ruined the rest of her day.
I was behind her one night for 32 minutes.
I thought I was rocking it.
32 minutes as a married man
is like three hours in dog years, right?
I'm sitting there, I'm... (moans)
She turned around
and crushed my self-esteem,
"Hey, give or take,
how much longer do you think you're gonna be?"
I don't know. You got somewhere to go?
No, I didn't know you were gonna be this long,
so I ended up starting a load of laundry in the basement.
You never go the whole cycle.
You mind if I go down and put 'em in the dryer,
so they don't smell like mildew?
I love when you talk dirty to me.
I say, "Yeah, go down.
Go down, when you come up, if he's still up,
just back into it like a parking spot."
Matter of fact, since the clothes are so important,
take the clothes outta the dryer, bring 'em up.
I'll fold 'em and I'll stack 'em on your back.
Unbelievable, man.
Unbelievable.
It's marriage though. What're ya gonna do?
And she always asks me too.
She's like, "Why are you twisted?
Why is your brain like that?"
I said, I was raised by old school Italian immigrants.
What the fuck? I'm traumatized inside.
That's why my brain is like that.
We were raised by parents that didn't coddle us.
They didn't fucking put us in safe spaces.
We were experiments, okay?
They didn't bring us to get allergy tests.
They would feed us and watch us for a while.
"Everything look okay for now."
My sister ate peanut butter one day.
Her whole face blew up.
My father thought she was making faces at him.
"Stop making face-
go to your room right now.
Go to your room!"
I go, "She's gonna die up there.
I don't think she can breathe."
And then we'd have family come over,
he would act like it was a trick she can do.
"Rosa, go eat the peanut butter,
show Uncle Joe what you do with your face.
Watch this, she look like an Elephant Man. I can't believe it."
We weren't coddled, man.
These kids have it way too easy.
Like I remember how my father would teach me how
to do certain things.
You know how my father taught me how
to swim when I was seven years old?
By throwing me off my uncle's boat.
Threw me off my uncle's boat
and in his head,
if it was a life or death situation,
I would teach myself how to swim.
He wasn't even nervous. I'm drowning in front of him.
He looked over the boat. He goes, "Yo!"
"If you keep cry,
you're gonna die."
Stop cry, kick your feet a little bit.
Anthony, if you die, you're gonna miss your birthday.
And it doesn't change, man.
As you get older, they get more twisted.
And you know what? I thought it was just my family.
And then I thought it was just Italians.
And then I started touring around the country.
We are so much alike in so many ways.
Different, but alike, right? It's universal.
They're geared differently.
Like they love guilt.
Oh, they love guilt. And they're twisted.
My father will call me 20 times, 20 missed phone calls.
Then he'll leave a voicemail.
He don't know how to leave a voicemail.
He thinks I'm listening to it as he's leaving it.
Every voicemail.
"Anthony, pick up the phone,
it's your father, I gotta talk it to you.
Anthony, please pick up the phone.
Come on, you son of a bitch, pick up."
And then he thinks if he sings,
it's gonna help.
♪ Anthony, pick up your phone ♪
♪ It's your father ♪
♪ Ooh-Ooh ♪
I finally call him back after 20 missed phone calls,
"Dad, what's the matter, you all right?
Yeah, I went to go feed my chickens in the backyard.
I find two chickens are dead.
You know anything about this?"
No.
If you find anything out, can you tell me?
Yeah, I'll let you know after I talk to Crime Stoppers.
Then another 20 missed phone calls the next day.
Yes, dad?
I went to go wash my truck this morning.
Then this afternoon, it started raining.
Fucking mother nature.
I said, "What do you want me to do?"
Can you call the place to get my money back?
No.
Then he goes five days without calling us,
me and my brother and my sister, nobody hears from him.
He lives three hours from me.
I'm the oldest. I get worried.
I jump in my car, head up to my dad's house.
An hour into the ride, he calls me outta nowhere.
Like nothing's wrong.
"Hey, what's up? It's your father."
"Where have you been?"
"I was in the emergency room for a couple days."
What?
Yeah, I fell in the backyard. I twisted my ankle.
I went to the doctor to make sure it was not broke.
He did blood work, he found an infection in my blood.
He sent me to the emergency room.
They had to operate on me, clean my blood.
They said if I would've never gone there with my ankle,
I would've probably died in my sleep.
I said, "Why didn't you call anybody?"
"Anthony, you know I don't like
to bother you with bullshit."
Well, let's talk about something important.
You find out who killed your chickens?
And the way they understand things, man.
I would love to jump in my father's head one of these days.
I'm fucked up over it.
Like he'll watched the news.
He'll understand 15%. He'll make up the other 85.
Just make it up.
He called me the other day, all confused.
The way he processed this.
I said, "What's up dad?"
"Yeah, I'm a little confused,
is everybody gay?"
I said, "Not everybody."
I said, "But what are you worried about?
You're not any gay guy's hit list."
He goes, "What are you talking about?"
I said, "No gay guy wants you."
"Oh, if your father was gay,
I'd probably fuck a lot of men."
I said, "To answer your question, no,
not everybody's gay.
Why?"
"I just wanna be careful because I wanna know,
where is this a closet they all come out of?"
You think it's one closet?
You walk in straight, you come out gay.
I'm gonna see if they have a large, I'll be right back.
Oh my God, it's so nice in there.
I said, "That's not how it works."
He goes, "I don't know, Anthony,
I see a lot of things I never see before.
Like I was at the bank today,
I see two women in line hold their hands.
I was think it was a mother and daughter.
Then they started kiss each other with the tongue."
I said, "They were gay."
"I know, but that was the first time I was so close
to two Lebanese."
I can guarantee you two things.
Number one, they were lesbians.
Number two, definitely not from Lebanon.
They're outta their minds, man. But they're amazing people.
Like we have fun with my dad, you know?
'Cause now I make money doing it.
When I was a kid, I'd get my ass kicked.
If I didn't understand him, it was my fault, not his.
I was 17 years old.
I almost got the worst beating on my life,
'cause he comes downstairs one day.
I said, "What's the matter?"
"I'm just nervous, Anthony, please,
I don't wanna talk to nobody."
I said, "What's the matter?"
"I gotta go do something.
I don't wanna talk!"
I've never seen my dad so nervous.
I said, "What's the matter?"
"I gotta go get a ham on rye, okay?
I never have a ham on rye in my life."
I said, "Just toast the bread and put mustard on it."
Beat the shit outta me, okay?
After my beating, my mother told me he had
an MRI that he had to do.
I didn't know.
I started laughing hysterical.
I didn't even care about the ass kicking.
But we have fun with him, man.
Like my father called me the other day,
I had my kids in the car, right?
I like to break his balls. He's a good sport.
And he goes, "Yo, I find out that
a lot of people take the same medication I've taken
for the diabetes to lose weight."
I say, "I heard."
He goes, "And they pay $1,000 a shot."
I said, "I know."
"And Medicare pay for mine.
I don't pay nothing."
"You're not selling,
you're not selling diabetes medication."
"Come on, it's just a little bit."
"No, you're not doing it."
So my daughter goes, "Daddy, can I ask him
what the name is?"
And my wife right away,
"Stop it."
Because my dad, the only way he remembers the name
of the medication, he has to sing the commercial out loud.
So I said, "Let her do it."
She goes, "Fine, but this is mean."
She goes, "Nonno?"
"Yeah, Gabriela."
"What's the name
of the medication?
I keep forgetting."
"It's a...
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
♪ Ozempic ♪
♪ You know ♪"
Oh my God, man.
But the funny thing is, man,
a lot of us were raised like that, you know?
And it's not, like I said, it's not Italians, man.
And a lot of people think you gotta be Italian
to come to my show.
I dunno who spread that rumor. You don't have to be.
It helps, but you don't have to be. You don't have to be.
Lady came up to me, she was like, "Oh my God,
do I have to be i-talian to come to your show?"
I go, "No, but if you say it like that,
someone's gonna punch you in the face."
I don't know what an i-talian is.
What are we, an Apple product?
But we are all very similar, man. We're raised very similar.
Like these kids don't know how lucky they are.
They don't, our parents didn't fuck around, okay?
And our parents did something to us
that is almost impossible to do.
I'm not gonna tell you, I'm gonna show you.
Round of applause
if you were hit as a kid.
See how proud they made us that we got our ass kicked?
Isn't that amazing?
When you were eight years old getting a beating,
did you ever sit there and go, "I know this sucks now,
but one day I'm gonna clap I was a victim of child abuse."
They make us appreciate it.
And lemme tell you something,
I realize now why they used the weapons that they used,
because if we ever called the cops
and made a police report,
the cops would never fucking believe us.
They're sitting there going, "Okay,
so you're saying you got all those bruises
from a wooden spoon?
Find that pretty hard to believe, son.
And it says here you hid behind the couch
and the shoe still hit you.
Wow.
It says,
so it says you got hit by a broom,
but it also says you're the one that gave it to him.
Why'd you do that?"
And the worst was the belt.
Oh, remember this shit?
How did they all know how to do this?
They didn't have email.
What, did one immigrant call everybody?
"Hey, you wanna make your kids shit their pants?
Take off your belt. I wanna show you something."
And my father would show me I was getting hit with a belt.
He wouldn't say it, 'cause he didn't want anybody knowing.
He would show me with one motion.
He would see me with a group of friends,
"Anthony, keep a play with your friends. Have fun.
And when I get you, I'm gonna have a little fun with you.
What am I gonna do? [chuckling]
My American friends are like,
"Dude, I think your father has Parkinson's disease."
But here's what pisses me off.
Not that I got hit.
I deserved it 90% of the time.
What pisses me off is those same people
that didn't have patience with us, that beat our ass
become grandparents and become
the most loving people you've ever seen in your life.
Where was that love with us?
I smacked my daughter on the ass one night,
my father almost flipped out.
"Hey, no touch your kids.
I don't like that shit!"
"What'd you go to rehab?"
"What did you say, captain child abuse?
I didn't hear you."
"No touch your kids, because if you touch them,
they're gonna grow up all screw up in the head."
"You don't say.
Is that why I sit in my basement dressed up
as an old Italian lady and make videos?"
Crazy man.
But none of us will ever trade our childhood
'cause we are who we are today
because of how we were raised.
But you gotta admit, they're some fucked up people.
Oh, they're twisted, man.
And they don't change.
My father still has the same habits.
My father doesn't even know how to whisper,
he thinks if he puts his hand in front of his mouth,
nobody can hear him.
We were at a restaurant.
Some lady behind him was chewing loud.
He turns around and he goes,
"My God...
this bitch chew like a cow."
She got up, gave him the finger.
He goes, "God bless, she got very good ears.
Oh my God."
And they're all paranoid. Every single one of 'em.
They think everybody's out to sabotage them.
My father thinks the cable company's after him.
Calls me once a week,
"Anthony, Verizon tried to screw your father again."
I said, "Verizon doesn't even know who you are."
"No? Then explain to me this.
How come I just get off of the phone with them,
I said, 'Go fuck yourself.'
I hang up, I go in the living room
and my remote control don't work."
What do you think, they shut it off?
I said, "Your battery died."
What, do you think so?
I know so. Your batteries are dead.
Go get new batteries.
I got no battery.
Can you send me some so I don't gotta bother you?
Yeah, what size?
Hold on.
Energizer.
Not the size.
Not the size. I said, "Turn the battery.
You'll see two or three letters. That's the size."
"Okay, hold on, hold on.
Oh, it's right here.
Energizer size
ah-ah-ah."
I said, "Did he just sound out AAA?"
I said, "What did you say?"
"It's three letter, Anthony."
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
I said, "That's not how you say it."
No?
No.
How do you pronounce?
I go get my own battery.
I just didn't wanna embarrass myself.
I said, "No, I'll teach you to say it.
It's very easy, Dad. It's three A's."
It's
[dolphin noise]
I didn't think he was gonna do it.
He called me two hours later pissed,
"Yo, I went to the store.
These people fucking stupid like you no believe it."
I said, "What did you do?"
I went over there to the first guy.
I said, "Excuse me, you got Energizer battery size,
[dolphin noise]?"
He tell me, 'Oh, I think you need a AAA.'
I said, "Fuck you, my truck, it's brand new."
I said, "Lemme speak to somebody else."
I grab a young kid, I said, "Excuse me, young man,
you got Energizer battery size,
[dolphin noise]?"
He started cry.
I said, "Why you cry?"
He said, "Why you m-m-m-make f-fun of me?"
I said, "How the hell I know you gotta stutter problem?
I don't even know you.
I got no time for this shit,
lemme speak to one of your m-m-manager."
He's out of his mind.
There's certain shit my father says sometimes,
I can't predict it.
I don't even expect it. And it traumatizes you.
'Cause I don't know how his brain works.
He's at my house one night.
We're playing poker. We're talking.
He's in the living room.
My friend started asking me stupid questions,
'cause we're men and we're stupid.
My friend goes, "Yo, bro, for a million dollars,
would you let a guy take care of you from the back?"
I said, "Yeah, I don't even know why you started so high.
You could've locked me in at $150,000."
We're experiencing tough times right now, bro.
He said, "All right, for a million dollars,
would you let the guy go down on you?"
"Yeah, he's doing it. Not me.
I have imagination.
I can think of something else."
He goes, "All right, hot shot.
What if you're making out with a woman,
it gets hot and heavy.
You take off her pants, she's got a pishadeel?
A million dollars, you still have sex with her?"
"Nope."
"Two million?"
"Nope.
Has nothing to do with the money.
If that's bigger than mine,
I can't emotionally overcome that."
My father jumps outta the living room pissed off,
"Hey, what do you mean no?"
I said, "You would do it?"
"I'd do it right now for $500."
I said,
"I don't think you understood the question."
"I understand the question Anthony. I'm no stupid.
You kiss this girl, you take off the pants,
you find out she got a pishadeel
and now she's just one of these transmission people, so?"
I said, "Who said she was a mechanic?"
So you're telling me even knowing she has
a penis, you're gonna still do it?
"Yes, because you use your imagination,
it make you feel very good as a man."
I regret to this day asking him
what he was talking about.
'Cause he couldn't explain it,
He had to show me.
He goes, "First of all,
you gotta do from the back,
because of my stuff cannot touch her stuff.
That's disgusting, I'm not gonna have
our balls clicky-clacky, clicky-clacky."
Then you start like you normally do, back and forth.
Nice, easy. Take your time.
When you get excited, you wanna reach around
and grab the transmission pishadeel.
When you grab the transmission pishadeel, close your eyes,
and I guarantee, you'll feel like your pishadeel is so big,
it came out the other side."
I didn't know what I wanna do first,
throw up or go home with a zucchini and try it with my wife.
Made sense.
They're outta their minds, man.
And we're gonna end up just like them.
Like my whole family is very observant.
Very observant, right?
Like I have aunts, 80 years old,
they don't miss a beat.
They'll come to family parties, notice something,
crush your soul.
Like I got a cousin, Maria,
three kids with three different fathers, right?
My 80-something-year-old aunt don't give
a shit what she says.
So I hang out with her a lot for material.
So she comes to a party with the newborn,
"Marie, come over here.
This baby's new?"
Like it was a purse.
She goes, "Yeah, yeah, this is Angelo.
He's six months."
"God bless, my God, beautiful.
But can I ask you a question?
It's not my business...
why your kids no look the same?"
She said, "Well, they all have different fathers."
"All three different father?
It's very nice. You take this, you share with everybody."
And you become like that.
The problem is now I'm too observant.
There's certain things I want to ignore, but I can't.
I pay attention to 'em, like flying.
I pay attention to all the bullshit announcements.
It's hard to ignore, okay?
It bothers, it ruins my flights.
Okay, one day was just boom, boom, boom,
one after the other.
Like I had to call to change my flight.
That's where it started.
Have you ever called anything
after nine o'clock in this country?
And you press one for English.
You don't get it.
I don't mind someone with an accent,
but at least tell me your real name.
Let's start off on the right foot.
I called Delta one night.
I pressed one for English.
Guy picked up, [clicks tongue]
"Hello, thank you for calling Delta.
How can I help you? My name is Kevin."
No it's not.
If your name is Kevin, my name is Mohammed.
I say, "You have anything going back to New York right now?
It's an emergency."
"Not right now, sir, nine-thirty,
but maybe tomorrow six o'clock,
[jibberish]?"
"You wanna rewind that, Kevin, and play it in slow mo?"
There was a time I called a business for my dad.
Indian guy started talking that fast.
I gave the phone to my father, "You two battle this out."
Let me see how this is gonna end.
Two minutes, my father flipped out.
I felt so bad for the guy on the other line.
He must've been so confused.
"Excuse me, can you stop talk?
I don't understand nothing you say.
I don't know if anybody ever tell you,
you got a very heavy accent.
I don't wanna be rude and disrespect you,
might it be possible I can speak somebody talk English
a little more better than you?"
I said, "I don't think you're qualified
to ask that question."
Then I board the plane, boom, soon as I board,
lady hits me with the emergency exit seat, right?
Like you work for them now.
I realized the way to get them to change your seat.
Speak with an accent, act like an immigrant.
Make believe you don't know what the fuck is going on.
Scare enough people around you.
"Mr. Rodia, you're sitting in an emergency exit seat.
In the event of an emergency,
are you willing to help everyone on board
before you help yourself?"
"Yeah, I think so. I got no problem with this.
I wanna take a nap, but I gotta go to work. [chuckling]
Oh my God.
It's just so funny you asking me
because this morning when I wake up,
I said to myself, 'Today, I wanna be a hero. [chuckles]
Yeah, now I'm very excited.
I hope the plane crash.
I wanna help the people."
Then the turbulence announcement.
If we're not gonna die,
then don't even leave an announcement.
Just let it rock, okay? Let the plane shake.
We'll get over it, because when you leave an announcement,
it's too pleasant.
We get nervous, okay?
Why is he so happy about the plane shaking?
Just leave it alone.
But if you wanna scare us,
get an immigrant to do it because they're very dramatic
and they love giving bad news.
Get one of my uncles to pick up the mic.
Soon as you hit turbulence, [clicks tongue]
"Ladies and gentlemen, I gotta talk to you.
Holy shit, mother God.
I don't know what's going on,
but I promise you, I not touch nothing.
In the next 5 or 10 minutes,
this whole plane is gonna shake like a son of a bitch,
and I don't think we're gonna make it!"
The water landing announcement is the worst.
I laugh every time I hear it.
I don't understand. They think everyone failed physics,
"In the event of a water landing,
please locate your life jacket under your chair.
Pull it over your head
and make sure the indicator light is blinking.
And then simply tighten the strap, pull the tab to inflate,
or gently
[blows]
blow into the tubes
to inflate your vest."
While I'm shitting my pants?
Who's gonna be that calm
and have enough oxygen in their lungs to inflate a vest?
You're falling into the ocean.
You're gonna be bugging out.
[screams]
Oh, oh my God.
Where the fuck is the vest?
[sobbing]
Oh my God.
Oh my God, no.
No.
[sobbing]
[blowing air]
Who the fuck is doing that?
Oh.
Bring my uncle out.
Bring him out to explain
to everybody what's gonna happen when we hit the ocean,
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna talk to you again.
God forbid, the plane crash to the ocean,
we're gonna probably going like a 500, 600 mile an hour.
I don't know if you know,
that's very fucking fast.
And when the plane hit the ocean,
we gonna come to complete stop.
And because of the speed,
a couple thing gonna happen to you.
Number one,
your head and your arm
are gonna fly off your body.
The person who's sitting behind you
gonna fly through your seat.
And be right inside your ass.
And everybody on the plane are gonna get
a really bad whip splash."
I'd fly that airlines all the time.
But I'm gonna leave you with some really advice.
You get a big laugh if you do this, and really do this.
I'm not even joking. Really do this.
If you have immigrants in your family
or you have friends with immigrants in theirs,
smoke weed with them.
Smoke weed with an immigrant, man. I'm telling you.
Don't do edibles.
I didn't know they were strong
and my father's still not fully recovered.
I gave him an edible one night.
I said, "Take this before you go to bed.
When you wake up in the morning,
your joints will feel better."
I woke up at 04:30 in the morning to 18 missed phone calls.
I called him back, I said, "Dad?"
"What the fuck have you given me?"
I said, "What's the matter?"
"What's the matter?
You don't even know the night I just have.
I took this thing at nine o'clock.
09:30, I went in the backyard to feed my chickens.
Would you believe I was able
to understand everything my chickens were saying?
I said, "What?"
"Yeah, no laugh.
I was over there for three hours talking to a fucking chicken.
And I learned a couple things.
Number one,
the rooster speak Italian, I never know.
Number two, the chicken,
they don't even know what come first,
the chicken or the egg.
And number three,
you believe one of my chicken it's a homosexual?"
I said, "I'm probably gonna regret asking this,
but how do you know a chicken's gay?"
Because it make a different noise, Anthony?
What's the matter with you?
The other chicken, he go,
[mimics chicken clucking]
This one goes,
[mimics flamboyant chicken clucking]
I said, "When you started talking to your chickens
and understanding them, why didn't you call me?"
"I tried to call you.
It took me three hours to realize I was trying
to call you with the remote control."
So be careful with the edibles.
But you could smoke weed.
Smoked weed with my father in Florida,
rented a beautiful house on the water.
Had me, my brother, my cousins, my father, a couple friends,
and my father's complaining about his arthritis.
"Ah, this arthritis is killing me."
I said, "Why don't you try smoking weed?"
"Why, the weed that make me forget about my arthritis?"
I said, "You smoke the right weed,
you'll forget you have legs."
He goes, "Go get me some.
I wanna forgot I got legs."
So I go get the weed.
I shoulda checked how strong it was.
It was too strong for any of us.
We smoke,
10 minutes later, we're paralyzed.
Nobody can move.
My father stands up on the dock,
scares the shit out of all of us
"Shut up!"
"I didn't say anything."
"Shut up!"
"I didn't say anything."
"I think there's a dolphin stuck underneath the dock."
I said, "What?"
"Yeah, I hear it. It sounded like it's panic."
[dolphin noises]
"You no believe me, come over here."
I walk near my father on the dock, I put my ear to the dock.
I hear the same thing.
I look at my boys.
I go, "Bro, there's a fucking dolphin under the dock."
For 10 minutes,
we're on the dock waiting for the dolphin,
high off our ass.
My little brother comes outta the house who didn't smoke,
and thank God, 'cause we'd still be there.
He goes, "Ant, what's going on?"
I said, "Bro, there's a dolphin stuck under the dock."
"What?"
"Yeah, it's buggin out, it's goin,"
[dolphins noises]
He goes, "Come over here."
I said, "What?"
"How much did you smoke?"
"Not a lot."
"Not a lot?"
"You assholes don't realize that sound's coming
from the ceiling fan?"
I never felt dumber in my life.
I looked up, the whole fan was going:
[fan sqeaking noise]
I go to turn it off, it goes:
[dying fan sqeak]
My father jumped in the water.
The last thing you heard,
"He's not gonna make it!"
Thank God the water was low tide and only up to his chest,
'cause he can't swim,
but he couldn't feel his legs,
so he started drowning.
He thought he was drowning.
I looked over the dock, he was crying hysterical.
I'm dying laughing.
I'm going, "Dad, are you all right?"
"Anthony, [sobbing]
Please, what I gotta do.
I don't wanna die."
I said, "Dad!
If you keep cry, you're gonna die.
And if you die, you're gonna miss your birthday."
Paramount, you guys have been a hell of a crowd!
Hold on, Scrib. Hold on, Scrib.
I think my mini me has-
you wanna say something?
Go ahead.
Thank you, Long Island.
Thank you, guys.