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No dad, don't you worry.
Honestly, I've got it. No you sit down.
Cheeky, git.
Take us in, it’s gonna start getting dark.
There you go old man.
Oi, dinner.
My dad, by Charlie Winter.
How old was I when I wrote this?
Eight..
What you doing?
My dad by Charlie Winter.
My dad is a fisherman.
He goes out to sea and then comes back again.
His boat is big, old and red.
But on my birthday we’re painting it any colour I want, that's what he said.
When he takes me out, we have so much fun, but
he only takes me out when it's not stormy and there is sun, when he is fishing,
he sings but doesn't know, it's a slow
and sad song, full of woe.
So that's my dad, and his name is John,
he gets up early and not home till the sun is gone.
But when I'm older, that's what I want to be,
with him together, out on the sea.
That is terrible.
Yeah, well, I love it.
So make sure you put it back up.
We never did paint the boat.
No, that must have been my ninth,
That must have been what, for my ninth,
tenth birthday?
I said for your 10th birthday.
We could paint the boat whatever colour you wanted.
We, we even went and got the paints and everything remember?
Yeah, I think I do.
We went to Breens garden center, made a day of it.
We did, well remembered.
Also, when he is fishing, he sings but doesn't know.
It's a slow and sad song full of woe.
What sort of eight year old knows what the word woe means?
That was your mum.
She hated that song.
Especially when I sang it.
Did she?
Speaking of your mum.
When are you going to go see her?
I’ll go see her soon, I’ll told you.
Just with work and everything.
No don’t you be using work as an excuse cus it’s me that’ll get it in the neck for that.
Shouldn’t work me so hard then.
When's the last time you saw her?
It’s not me she wants to see is it.
We didn't catch much this week.
No
Or last week.
Why aren’t you looking at me?c
Are we alright?
I mean, money wise.
Look, what’s brought this on?
I see how much money's coming in working at the market.
I know what a good week is, I know what a bad week is.
We've had some bad weeks.
Yes it's been slow, but we're used to that this time of year.
I was going to say, I don't mind taking a pay cut.
Charlie, we’re fine.
All I'm saying is I'm eighteen now.
You can tell me this stuff.
You're eighteen are you?
you a big boy now?
You’re not eighteen for two days.
Till then you’re still my little, baby boy.
Fuck sake, dad.
Oi, fucking swear at me.
Remember market’s miles away tomorrow.
So up early.
Sorry for swearing.
Yeah,
yeah.
I forget how easily offended old men get.
Get to
Night old man.
No, twist round.
Just grab that end.
Like I haven’t done this before, huh?
Yeah but you always do it wrong don’t you.
Ease over.
What’s happened here?
Was that you?
It was like that this morning.
It was already like that, I didn’t do that.
That's fine
Dad you need a new box.
It’s falling apart.
It does the job.
No it doesn't, look.
It’s older than me dad.
that is older than me
that's falling apart.
Look they're all in there.
Won’t be long.
Nige.
How many?
Eight crab, twelve lobster.
When I said I could take a handful of what you didn't sell,
I meant, five, ten.
not twenty, thirty.
Every week mate.
Took your time.
He was playing hard ball.
Dad.
Can I drive us home.
Really?
Not a fucking chance.
Yeah hilarious.
Oh dear.
fuck, Mary, it's me.
Mary it’s me.
How are you?
Good.
Look I’m sorry for calling.
I’ve been.
I wasn’t sure if you...
So, it’s Charlies birthday tomorrow and I was thinking that
after I finished the boat, going to the pub and buying him his first pint.
I was wondering
if you maybe want to be there.
Obviously it'd be great to see you.
But I totally understand if you you didn't
Yeah well I’ll leave it with you.
You can let me know.
All right?
Okay. All right. I'll.
I'll speak to you later. Bye.
Jez money's on the counter.
Dad you done?
Yeah cheers.
Leave em, I’ll do em.
You alright?
yeah.
You just offered to do the dishes.
Something's wrong.
It's your birthday tomorrow.
Thought I'd be nice.
Yeah, what d’you get me?
Doing the dishes aren’t I..
You dickhead.
Oi, what about told you about swearing at me.
To not fucking do it.
Exactly.
Night.
You coming to work today or...
Hysterical.
Hey.
I was in the shed last night, tidying up a few things
and I found this.
This is the knife when you were six
and you carved into the side
of the stern of my boat just down there.
Daddys boat
I remember, it’s still there.
After I caught you, I took it away from you
for about six months.
You didn't shut up about this knife.
It even got you in trouble at school.
One Christmas.
You wrote a letter to santa asking him for a knife.
That was an interesting phonecall with your teacher.
Well after that your mum suggested well
told me
to put this in the shed so you can find it
and I did, I just forgot about it.
And I saw it there last night
and I thought
Happy birthday.
You got my eighteenth birthday present
from the shed
I love it, thanks.
Right
What say we eat
And we call it a day.
Sounds good.
You know what else sounds good
Pub.
There’s Ron.
Go and grab a seat, I’ll get us some drinks.
Hello, stranger.
I almost forgot what you look like.
And, handsome as ever.
You look like you need a drink.
Yeah I do, make it two though.
Two, double parking not like you.
Charlie's eighteenth today.
Marge, add one more to those please.
I wasn't sure you'd make it
Not seen you in a while.
Today was always going to happen.
I wasn't sure if you were gonna be here.
Well one, I practically live here.
He's not wrong.
And two....
Oi.
and two
I wouldn't miss Charlies birthday for the world mate.
Especially his eigteenth.
You speak to Mary.
Yeah well, I spoke to her,
you know.
Oh I'll get these.
No, no I’ll get em.
No.
At least let me get Charlies.
John.
please
let me buy my godson his first pint.
Sure, thanks.
Now.
I'm not sure if the others
have remembered that it's Charlies birthday.
Well they haven’t said anything, but I wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to keep it quiet.
No, no it's fine he won't mind.
You sure?
As long as you don't start singing
Ron
Oi oi.
Here he fucking is.
All right, all right.
Let’s have it then.
Here, how’s it you got less hair this time than the last time I saw you.
And you had fuck all then.
Oh, Tucks.
See you got back in.
Didn't see your boat.
Got in about an hour ago.
Hang on.
There it is.
It's behind your ears.
Fucking hysterical as always mate.
Eh
That’s from Ron.
Ron.
Ron thanks.
Ron, thanks.
My absolute pleasure.
Fellas, fellas everyone got a drink.
Urm.
A very special day today
Now he’s kept quiet so I'm not sure what he wants everyone to know but
today's our Charlie's eighteenth birthday.
Now I know I've not done a lot right in my life, but...
A lot of mistakes.
But 18 years ago.
John asked me to be Charlie's godfather.
No matter what happens, I'll always be there.
John,
thank you for inviting me to be part of your family.
It is, and it will always be my biggest
and my proudest responsibility,
although it's probably not the best night to be talking about responsibility
as we’re all about to get absolutely fucking hammered.
But first.
But first
he's going to sing, isn't he?
Told him not to.
But first,
please join me
for Charlie
Charlie
Sunset and Evening Star
and one clear call for me
and may there be no moaning of the bar
when I put out to see
when I put out to sea.
When I put out to sea.
And may there be no moaning of the bar
when I put out to sea.
Twilight and evening bell
And after that the dark
And may there be no sadness of farewell
when I embark
And may there be no sadness of farewell
When I embark.
Now let’s get fucking pissed, yes please Margaret
Come on Margaret, you slag.
Shit you’re heavy.
What d’you mean, I'm carrying you?
Oh, yeah.
Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man.
what you singing that for?
That was your favorite song as a kid.
No it wasn’t.
Well what was it then.
What do we do with the drunken sailor.
Early in the morning.
Way hay and up she rises.
Early in the morning.
Oh I should definitely not have done that.
get me to the stairs.
How you feeling?
Rooms spinning
Well don’t close your eyes it’ll just make it worse.
Hey.
Happy birthday.
Oi, you alright?
Yeah.
Let me get you some water.
You said mum was coming?
Well I called her.
Told her we were gonna be there.
But don’t think I told her what time we were gonna be there.
Should’ve called her today before we went out.
She doesn't want to see me does she.
What do you mean?
I haven’t seen her in ages.
Does she resent me or something for living with you
Anytime we plan to do something.
Something happens.
It's just.
Just feels like she’s forgotten me.
What are you talking about.
Oi.
Hey.
Your mum loves you.
It's me.
She wasn't there tonight because of me.
Your mum has not been in that pub
for a very long time.
We used to go there all the time.
We had our first date in there.
She's not gonna want to go back in there I shouldn't have asked it was
stupid.
Can I ask you something
and I want the truth
What happened
Between you and mum.
Literally feels like one day she just left
just took off.
it's just
it’s been years.
I don't even know how long you never talk about.
She moved out.
Didn't take a single thing with her.
All her stuffs still here.
That's not normal Dad
I can count on one hand the amount of times
She’s been back here.
So I'm just asking
what happened.
I don't know what you want me to say.
Your mum and I
years ago, just
drifted apart, it happens.
Dad, please.
It was years ago.
You were young.
You would have remembered it completely different
Look, yes.
I loved your, Mum.
I still love your mum.
I always will.
What we went through.
Couldn’t get it back.
You just said that it felt like she just decided to leave.
No
we have problems
and we tried to fix them for two years.
Two years
We tried.
but we couldn’t
just too much.
What was too much?
It's just.
Everything was too much.
The tension,
and strain on the relationship was
just building up.
It wasn't healthy.
We had to be honest.
So she moved out.
She couldn't stay here.
Too many memories.
Why now?
Why you asking about this now?
I don't know dad maybe because I'm drunk from drinking eight pints of what tasted like piss.
I'm sorry if that sounds ungrateful.
But what
It’s stupid.
No, what is it?
Not once tonight.
Did you ask me if I actually liked what I was drinking?
I know it's silly, but you never ask me what I want.
Well if you didn’t like it you should have said something.
It’s not just the drink, it’s everything.
It's here. It's work.
I feel like it's the only place I go.
I just.
I feel trapped.
Not once have you ever asked me what I want in life.
Have you?
What do I want to do?
You just assume that I'm going to be with you here.
And that's it.
What do you mean?
What are you going to do if I'm not hear anymore?
What you want dad?
We can't do this forever.
We’re struggling as it is
You’re gonna have to let me go at some point.
No, where's this come from?
Yeah, you're right.
Everyday is the same.
I get to go fishing with my son.
And it is fucking paradise.
It's everything I want.
There you go. Everything you want.
So what do you want?
You need to tell me or I
I can't do anything about it.
You're right. We, we have our up and down days.
But you know what gets me through those down days? You.
The fact is, every day I get to go to sea with my son,
and that is everything.
But what I'm hearing is that you don’t feel the same.
What about the poem?
every morning.
I read that before I go to work.
I know every verse, every line, every word,
and that final verse
But when I'm older.
That's why I want to be
with him
together.
Out on the sea.
We’re doing it.
Dad, I wrote that when I was eight years old.
So what are you saying?
Dad, I love what we do,
I love fishing and I love doing it with you.
But.
I need to go to bed.
Charlie.
Thought I’d come down and give it a once over.
Don't you dare.
You did go absolutely mental though.
I did.
How’s your head?
Yeah, fine.
There was a time I was going to rename her Daddy's boat.
But your mum wouldn’t
say daddy’s boat didn't really sit well with her
I am sorry about last night.
No don’t, you made a lot of sense.
So going out without me.
Just gonna go out and check a couple of pots, nothing much.
Thought you might be feeling rough.
Thought I’d let you sleep it off.
But now you’re here, do you actually want to do some work?
Oh, here we go.
Slave driving already?
Seriously though, go and unhook the winch.
I’ll go set up the winch.
John?
Mary.
She's looking good.
Yeah, she still floats.
I'm sorry I didn't come last night.
Yeah, it was good.
The fellas were all there.
you know, it was good.
That's actually why I want you to come down and see you. Wanted to talk.
I bumped into Ron earlier, and
he said he hadn't seen you in a while and
you weren't quite yourself.
A bit strange.
Yeah, well, we haven't seen each other in a while.
It was a bit strange
or distant.
Withdrawn, he said.
You kept going off and talking to Charlie.
Well, I've noticed it myself for a while now.
But I didn’t think it was...
I never thought
I'd be having this conversation with you again.
You were always the strong one.
What we went through,
you were the one that got me through it.
It's been nearly eight years.
John, I'm so sorry to ask you this but, Charlie.
What happened to him?
John?
Where's Charlie?
He’s right there, Mary.
He’s by the boat.
No, John.
I can see him, Mary.
He’s right there.
He’s beautiful.
No, John.
Our son Charlie
died.
Charlie died almost
eight years ago.
Mary,
please.
He's gone.
He never left for me, Mary.
I never let him.
He’s always been here.
Yeah,
how do you do it?
I haven't.
I've learned to live with it.
Bu, there will always be a huge hole that can't be filled.
And that's the tough part.
It's realizing that
and understanding it.
I'm so sorry.
Let me help you.
You still trust me?
Of course.
Always.
Next week,
I'm taking you to the same place
that I went to for three years.
It's a meeting
with a group of people that have all been through something similar to us.
But you have to talk like we're doing now, okay?
Mary.
Oh no, promise me John.
Please.
You deserve this closure.
We deserve this closure.
And so does Charlie.
I’ll be right there with you.
So next I'd like to welcome a new face.
This is John.
See you don't have to.
John, but if you want to, you could stand up and come and tell us
a little bit about yourself, that’ll be good.
Uhh hi, urm
my name's John.
This is my first time here.
My wife,
Ex-wife sorry, recommended that I come.
Yeah, it was a
It was really tough coming through those doors.
She actually had to push me in the end.
I don't really know what to expect.
I don’t really know what you want me to say?
So what others have found helpful in past is
That I’ve asked them questions to kind of start them off.
And then we can maybe get to understand you and your story a bit better.
Yeah, sure, sure.
So I'll start by saying that
everyone's here because we all experience something that no parent
should experience, a loss of a child.
It's a cliche and I hate saying it, but
this is a safe space,
a place for you to share, but only what you're comfortable sharing.
Feel free to stop and sit down at any time.
Okay, thanks.
So what was the name of your child?
Uh. Sorry.
I know it must be strange.
It's fine.
Charlie.
Charlie,
it's a lovely name.
And how long ago did you lose Charlie?
Eight years.
It’s almost eight years. Eight years.
Next month, December.
And what age were they when they passed away?
Ten, ten years old.
He was eighteen last week.
And John, if you're comfortable,
could you tell us what happened,
how Charlie passed away?
I don't know if I
just have only
Talked about it.
What one person? Mary
And that was five, six years ago.
John that's completely understandable.
Most people don't manage to discuss and explain
their experience in the first session.
The main thing
I want you to take from today is that
I know you might feel alone in this.
You feel
distant and separated from the world,
but you're not
you're not alone.
Everyone in this room has their own story,
their own traumatic experience
that they've been through.
And I'm not going to sit here and say that we understand how you feel,
because we don't
none of us do.
Everyone is different and we all experience
and deal with grief in our own unique way.
No one will ever understand you or how you feel
But you you can help us try and understand,
but only if and when you're ready.
I still love my wife.
I haven't stopped loving her.
I always will.
But it's not the same.
How can it be after that?
even the little things
waking up in the morning, going downstairs,
making a cup of tea
just wasn't the same as our little boy.
Wasn't there any more.
It’s not the fault of either person.
How can two people go through so much
create the most beautiful thing in the world,
Make memories that will last a lifetime and then
Like that
Gone
But they haven't really gone have they.
That love
that turns into pain.
Those memories that would last a lifetime
Apart of you wishes, they didn't even exist.
Because when you think about them,
It makes you realise what isn't there anymore.
And what isn’t there anymore was the most beautiful thing in the world?
Our son Charlie.
How can two people go through that
and live normally?
Our son Charlie
passed away eight years ago at sea.
I'm a fisherman.
We have our boat.
I didn't take him out much
But one weekend I did take him out
was a normal day, I never took him out
when the weather was bad, it wasn't bad.
I just.
It was my fault.
The worst thing somebody can say to me
is, it wasn't your fault.
It was an accident.
It was my fault.
We were out fishing.
Nothing dangerous.
And he got his line stuck.
Dad, my rods stuck
What?
Dad
Charlie don’t cast off yet.
He didn't respond.
I didn't hear anything.
So I went out on deck
Charlie, Charlie,
Charlie
May day, may day, this is the Hutchison
I need immediate coastguard response
Child over board, I repeat child over board
May day, may day, this is the Hutchison
May day received, this is coastguard what is your location?
49.600 North, 59.23 West. Hurry.
He was gone.
So when people say to me, it wasn't your fault,
I don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
and he was never found.
We couldn't even say goodbye to him properly.
And I have taken that from you.
Mary, I'm sorry.
I am so sorry.
And now all we have to remember him by is a fucking bench.
So I remembered in my own way.
For the past eight years, Charlie has stayed
with me.
He's been by my side throughout
since he was ten.
He's been with me the entire time
I've lived with him.
Talk to him,
played with him, woke him up.
Taught him,
argued with him, it became real,
It was real.
It’s been eight years it's been my way of coping.
And now he's eighteen.
Last week we argued
he was trying to tell me
That I couldn't keep him there forever.
I didn't know what he meant at the time.
Now I do.
I promise to let you go.
It's a poem
Charlie wrote tit when he was eight.
It's about me.
It’s called ‘My Dad’, he wrote it for school.
I have it up on my wall next to the front door.
I read it every morning before I go to work.
You know what
I think he’d really appreciate it if I read it to you all right now.
Is that all right?
Of course.
My Dad by Charlie Winter.
I have to say it like that.
Whenever Charlie read it, he always said the full title
and his name
My Dad
by Charlie Winter.
My dad's a fisherman.
He goes out to sea
and then comes back again.
His boat is big, old and red,
but on my birthday
we're painting it any colour I want.
That's what he said
when he takes me out.
We have so much fun.
But he only takes me out when it's not stormy
and there is sun
When he is fishing, he sings but
doesn't know.
It's a slow and sad song.
Full of woe.
He talks about the sea
and calls it her,
but mum says that's fine
so it doesn't cause a stir.
So that's my dad.
And his name is John.
He gets up early
and not home, till the sun has gone
But when I'm older.
But when I'm older, that's what I want to be.
With him.
Together.
Out on the sea.
What colour did he choose?
sorry in the
in the poem Charlie said he was going to paint the boat
any colour he wanted.
What colour did he choose?
Blue.
He chose Blue.