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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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["Prestige" by J Soulja playing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[man rapping]

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[audience cheering]

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["Prestige" fades]

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[speaking indistinctly]

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Can you hold that?

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Yeah, yes. Sim... Simmer down. Simmer down.

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[sighs]

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White people.

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Y'all racist.

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I... I like to start out
with my racial material,

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just to see who's a bitch, you know?

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So, some people can't handle it.

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It's like, white people, can we just stop
acting like... like... All y'all are racist.

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There's various degrees of it,

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but like y'all so afraid to admit it,
ya know, it's like...

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That's why it won't go away,
niggas don't wanna be like,

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"I'm a little racist, you know."

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'Cause see, this how you know
how racist you are, okay?

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There's a... There's a... There's an amount

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of Black people that could've
been in here when you walked in

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that would've made you go,
"Wait a minute."

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"Am I in the right... place."

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That's how racist you are. That...

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That number of people
is how racist you are.

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You used to things being white things.

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'Cause that's what racism really is.

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It's not about who you hate
or don't or love.

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I mean, listen, obviously
there's racists that hate people.

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Those are the professional racists.

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But all you amateur racists,

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it's still racist, you know?

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'Cause you see a racist
as a bad, evil person.

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And since you don't see yourself
as a bad, evil person,

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you think that
you ain't never been racist.

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And that's where you fucking up at.

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'Cause racism don't got nothing to do
with whether you a good person

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or whether you love or hate Black people.
It's about your perspective.

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Like the way you've been brought up
to see the world and where you rank in it,

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who's beneath you and who's above you.

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That's what it is.

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Right? Anybody could be racist.

46
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I'll give you a perfect example.

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I Ubered here

48
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a few weeks ago.

49
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I Ubered here, had a spot here, Ubered.

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I go to get in the car,
soon as my hand touched the handle,

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the lady looked back and went,
"Oh my God!" and pulled off.

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- Right?
- [man] No!

53
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Now, does she hate Black people?

54
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[man] Yes.

55
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Who know... Maybe.

56
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Maybe, maybe not, you know,
but all we can say for sure,

57
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is that her reflex to seeing
a Black man try to get in her car

58
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was that, "I'm in danger!"

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And listen, she came back around.

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I watched her on the app,
she was coming back around.

61
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And, uh...

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I was in a hurry,
I ain't gonna cancel, you know.

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So I get in the car, you know, and, um,

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I don't let her off the hook,
I keep it silent,

65
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I don't say nothing.
I let it cook, you know?

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And eventually,
she broke the silence, and she went,

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"Listen...

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I am so... sorry."

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"You just never know who'll try
to get in your car around here."

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And I said,
"Actually, bitch, that's what Uber is."

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They... They tell you

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who is gonna get in your car... around here.

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That's how...
you would explain Uber to somebody.

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They... They give you a picture
and GPS coordinates.

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Right? But she was so afraid
of admitting it was racism,

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she was doing all this other bullshit.

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She could've just been like, "Know what?
It's a little racism, I'm working on it."

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You know what she did instead?
She changed the music.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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When I got in the car,
she was listening to, like, you know,

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Hall & Oates, or some shit like that.

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And she tried to change it to rap music.

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To try and make me feel better
and, like, calm the situation, you know?

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And it worked. It was early Drake,
you know, very... very soothing. Um...

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[man] Yeah!

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And I'm being perfectly honest, she was
the best Uber driver I've ever had.

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She was whippin'
this fuckin' Subaru, you hear me?

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And she got me here on time.
That's what really matters.

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Yeah, safe and on time,
good temperature, good smell.

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She had mints, snacks, chargers.

91
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Yeah, and I'm an "all's well
that ends well," kind of guy.

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I keep it a buck,
I'm not gonna hold a grudge.

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I still gave her three out of five stars.

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You know?

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I took off one star
for the racism, obviously.

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You can't just
let that go unpunished, you know?

97
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And I took off another star
'cause she was a Black woman.

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I said, "Come on, sis."

99
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Um...

100
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No. Sometimes it be
your own people acting funny, right?

101
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Sometimes they do, they do.

102
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Now, a lot of y'all
don't know this about me, maybe,

103
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but I am a Marine Corp veteran,
right? And I--

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- [loud cheering]
- No, no.

105
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Right, right, I guess it makes sense
to cheer before you know my story.

106
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But it wasn't even like that at all,

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like I wasn't heroic, whatsoever.

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Um... y'all got the wrong idea, like...

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You know, minorities don't...
mostly don't join the military

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out of... out of patriotism.

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I joined in... in March

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of 2001.

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[man] Oh, damn.

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Yeah, six months before 9/11.

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I was just trying
to go to school, you know?

116
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Yeah, 9/11 was my 9/11, personally.

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It just threw my whole plan off.

118
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And I...

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Nah, nah, no, don't get it twisted.
I'm not a traitor.

120
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I'm not a traitor,
you know, I love my country.

121
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I'm not <i>in</i> love, you know, but I...

122
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Like, I'm... I was never willing to...
I was never willing to die for my country.

123
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But I was always willing to help
kill somebody for my country.

124
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So... I think that's the most
you can expect from,

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till we get reparations,
or something, up out up here, um...

126
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But listen, the only reason
I bring it up, you know,

127
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I didn't want...
I didn't do it for the heroic cheers.

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I just brought it up 'cause, you know,
I was... I was the only Black person

129
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in my platoon for a minute, you know?

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So I kinda became an expert

131
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in, uh, talking to white people
about race, you know.

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Y'all got a lot of questions.

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Um...

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And that's how I know
it's pointless, you know?

135
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Yeah, I never changed nobody's mind,
I wasted a lot of conversation.

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Nobody got better.

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You ever met somebody,
uh, that was racist,

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and then you ran into 'em ten years later
and they was less racist?

139
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No. No. It doesn't work.

140
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I'm retired from being the...
your first Black friend. I'm...

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I'm too old for that, I'm 40.
You know what I'm saying?

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I'm not a starter Negro for you.
If you don't have...

143
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If you don't have other Black friends
before you meet me,

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00:09:01,123 --> 00:09:04,252
then that's a wrap for you.
I'm not doing it, you know?

145
00:09:05,002 --> 00:09:07,046
I don't want you
to get it twisted, though.

146
00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:09,507
Some people just assume
what I think about shit,

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that, like, I'm wokey-woke
'cause I fuckin'... I'm anti-racism.

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But that's mostly 'cause it benefits me
and people I care about.

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I'm... I'm really a piece of shit
underneath it all, you know?

150
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:24,939
Um... I'm comfortable with that, you know?

151
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I got a lot of ideas.
I do drugs, and I have ideas.

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[people] Whoo! Whoo!

153
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,199
One of my favorite things to do...
One of my favorite things to do

154
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is I like to get

155
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uh, v... very high

156
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:41,080
right before I go to bed.

157
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[people] Whoo! Whoo!

158
00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:46,502
Yeah, yeah, yeah, like... like
1,500 milligrams, something like that.

159
00:09:48,045 --> 00:09:52,133
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know, that
sound like a lot if you weak as fuck, but...

160
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But the goal is...

161
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The goal is to be high enough
as I fall asleep,

162
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,436
that I'm still high when I wake up.

163
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:05,813
Right?

164
00:10:05,813 --> 00:10:09,066
And then... And then...
And then my morning thoughts

165
00:10:09,066 --> 00:10:10,651
be genius.

166
00:10:12,653 --> 00:10:15,156
You know?
And I did this a couple weeks ago.

167
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,617
And I woke up, and I, like,

168
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,370
I, like, just understood women
so much better.

169
00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:25,374
Yeah, and we gotta have
more empathy for women,

170
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:28,586
'cause this is what I thought about
when I woke up that morning.

171
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:31,422
I was like, "Okay, imagine... imagine, sir,

172
00:10:32,673 --> 00:10:34,675
imagine we live in a universe

173
00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:40,264
where you born with just 200 nuts to bust.

174
00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:44,727
Think...
Yeah, think about it, think about it.

175
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You been infinite your whole life,
you ain't never had to count 'em.

176
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:49,732
You know what I'm sayin'?

177
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:53,361
You ain't never had to worry
about running out. Yeah, yeah.

178
00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:55,821
You need to have
a lot more sympathy for women.

179
00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:58,616
Right, because, you know,

180
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they born with all the eggs
they gonna ever have.

181
00:11:01,952 --> 00:11:05,706
Right? And by the time they hit puberty,
they body's destroying them shits.

182
00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:10,795
Every single month, "Oh, nobody came
in you? Suffer, bitch, suffer!"

183
00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:13,255
You know?

184
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:19,095
So every time you wanna be like,
"Man, this bitch crazy,"

185
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,013
no, she's disappearing

186
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:23,182
from the inside, from the inside.

187
00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:26,102
That's stressful.

188
00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:32,900
Like, you never gonna have
a homie venting to you,

189
00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:35,903
he going through a divorce or something...

190
00:11:35,903 --> 00:11:38,406
You know, he's like,
"You know what? Fuck Elizabeth."

191
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:42,076
"I wasted 75 nuts on that bitch!"

192
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:44,120
"I gave her my best nuts!"

193
00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:47,540
"And she just walked away," you know?

194
00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:54,004
Or imagine you at work,
you know, and you're,

195
00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:58,384
like, "Hey, man, what's...
what's going on with Doug? Man, he's, um...

196
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:01,846
"He's usually so upbeat,
like what's going on with him?"

197
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:04,140
"Hey, between us, man, quiet as kept..."

198
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,727
"He on his final five, man, he..."

199
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:10,980
"Yeah, yeah."

200
00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:14,358
"He started manopause last week, and

201
00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:18,612
he kept saying he was hot,
we got it on 65, and..."

202
00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:25,119
That's rough, right?
That's a stressful, uh, existence.

203
00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:29,582
And then... And then, there's in vitro.

204
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:31,500
Right, have you heard of this?

205
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,711
I know the women have,
a lot of the young men have.

206
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:36,589
It's one of those things that
all women have to deal with eventually

207
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,174
but they never talk about it.

208
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:41,135
Like their mustaches. And... And...

209
00:12:42,970 --> 00:12:45,389
I will run a black light
over every top lip in this room.

210
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,391
Y'all acting like I'm full of shit.

211
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:50,895
We're telling the truth in here tonight.

212
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:55,941
All these hos got a 'stache, understand?

213
00:12:57,818 --> 00:13:00,154
If you haven't seen hers, don't propose.

214
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:03,574
She not comfortable
being vulnerable with you yet.

215
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:10,289
And maybe you asking, "Well, Brian,
when's a good time to ask to see it?"

216
00:13:10,289 --> 00:13:13,209
And I'm like,
"Well, this is what I do. Um..."

217
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:15,419
"Whenever a girl...
Whenever I first catch her

218
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,963
looking at my completely soft penis..."

219
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,635
"'I wanna see
your fuckin' mustache, right now.'"

220
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:25,596
"'We're going in the bathroom,

221
00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:27,681
I'm putting on a jeweler's monocle,

222
00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:29,892
I'm going over your lip,

223
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:32,561
'cause now we both seen something
that wasn't for the world.'"

224
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:35,523
Yeah.

225
00:13:36,565 --> 00:13:38,651
"'You don't get to peek at my dick

226
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:42,071
in... in maintenance mode
and go on about your business.'"

227
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:52,540
But anyway, um...

228
00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:55,417
i... in vitro, so...

229
00:13:57,545 --> 00:14:01,006
So, I'm gonna keep using you, sir,
since you don't have a choice. And...

230
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:04,718
So we still in this world
where we run out of nuts.

231
00:14:05,427 --> 00:14:08,055
But now, put on top of that

232
00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:10,057
the societal pressure

233
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:13,978
for you to reproduce and have kids.

234
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,106
Okay, now you late 30s, early 40s.

235
00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:19,733
You just had your last hot boy summer.

236
00:14:20,901 --> 00:14:21,944
Right?

237
00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:26,532
You... You and your lady,
you trying but it ain't working.

238
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,492
I mean, y'all fucking, it ain't working.

239
00:14:28,492 --> 00:14:30,369
You sitting in the doctor's office.

240
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,746
He like, "I got bad news, I don't know

241
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:36,792
if, uh, if you thought it was a myth,
or you lost count, but, uh...

242
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:41,130
you fresh out of nuts, man."

243
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:43,382
"You know."

244
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:46,552
"But don't worry,
I know you feeling vulnerable,

245
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:49,096
but I'm right here with you."

246
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:52,349
"Just give me $30,000."

247
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:56,729
"Okay, take these vitamins
and hormones for a little bit."

248
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:58,981
"Come back and see me."

249
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,526
"I'll go up in your balls,
I'll scrape a few off the walls."

250
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:05,905
"Right?"

251
00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:07,698
"Yeah."

252
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:10,367
"We'll... We'll pick out the best ones,

253
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:12,036
we'll plant them shits,

254
00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:15,039
and, uh, you know, it only works
like 20% of the time."

255
00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:16,415
"But don't worry."

256
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:21,879
"We can try as many times
as you'll give me $30,000."

257
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:25,799
That's how they living out here.

258
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,010
Have a little empathy.

259
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:31,722
'Cause... 'Cause you gotta admit,
if that was the world we lived in,

260
00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:34,683
men would be on every third date, like,

261
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:39,063
"So, what are we? Because...

262
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,318
I don't got nuts to be wasting
on a bitch. What's your intentions?"

263
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:47,071
"You know, like,
you in it for the long term or..."

264
00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:54,411
You be warning your sons, like, "These hos
only after one thing, you hear me?"

265
00:15:57,498 --> 00:15:59,708
"Don't let a bitch
waste your nuts out here."

266
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:10,386
See... [clears throat]
Yeah, I'm not a good guy.

267
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:13,514
I'm a... I just turn into a fuckin' hater
out of nowhere, man.

268
00:16:15,557 --> 00:16:18,018
I don't like seeing a tall man
having a good time.

269
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:22,398
That's one of my pet peeves. I don't like

270
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:25,693
seeing the tall niggas
enjoying themselves.

271
00:16:28,862 --> 00:16:30,531
You know what I mean. How tall are you?

272
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:32,783
- [man 1] Six-two.
- Six-two.

273
00:16:34,576 --> 00:16:36,161
- What about you?
- [man 2] Six-four.

274
00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:37,454
Six-four.

275
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:40,082
Fucking' goofy-ass nigga.

276
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,046
It piss me off, man.

277
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:47,631
What about you, sir?

278
00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:49,633
- [man 3] Five-eight.
- Five-eight, oh.

279
00:16:49,633 --> 00:16:51,885
- [man 4] Yeah!
- Nigga winnin'.

280
00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:55,264
[people cheering]

281
00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:56,348
Right.

282
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:01,729
I hate it. 'Cause the women,
they all obsessed with height.

283
00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:04,148
Y'all put it all in your Tinder profile.

284
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:06,066
It's like, stop this!

285
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:10,821
There's some short kings out here
that's good... good catches.

286
00:17:11,613 --> 00:17:13,157
He got him a baddie.

287
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:18,328
You know?
It's like, stop being obsessed with...

288
00:17:18,328 --> 00:17:20,956
Height is just titties for men.

289
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,006
It's just something
that everybody can see,

290
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:31,508
that you didn't earn.

291
00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:38,515
And you show up and get treated
better than the rest of us.

292
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:42,853
And act like it's something
you fuckin' accomplished on your own.

293
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,778
It used to piss me off,
like when I was in high school

294
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:53,113
and I ain't know how
to talk to women yet, you know,

295
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:55,616
it was always the tall dudes
that was like, "Hey, man,

296
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,868
look, all you gotta do
is just be yourself."

297
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:04,208
Not when you five-six.

298
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:11,882
If you in high school and you
five-something, and trying to get laid,

299
00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:14,301
you can't be yourself,
you have to be talented.

300
00:18:14,301 --> 00:18:16,261
You've gotta be charismatic,

301
00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:19,473
you have to be one
of the only people that sell cocaine.

302
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:31,985
And when I see one of you tall fucks...

303
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:35,739
dancin' the night away...

304
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:41,286
surrounded by bad bitches
and fresh fruit they brought you...

305
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:49,920
I don't wish you were <i>my</i> height.

306
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,382
That's a child's wish.

307
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,136
I wish you would keep growin'.

308
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,974
Yeah, uncontrollably, non-stop.

309
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:06,520
Till you reach a height
where it's not sexy to nobody.

310
00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:16,446
What'd you say? You six-three?

311
00:19:17,197 --> 00:19:18,907
Six-four? Yeah, okay.

312
00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,661
You be about... You be about seven-two.

313
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:26,123
Still getting the same caliber of bitches.

314
00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:28,584
Right, they'll think you in the league.

315
00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:31,295
You got no integrity,
you won't correct 'em.

316
00:19:38,051 --> 00:19:40,262
Well, by the time you about nine-three,

317
00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:44,683
you have the driest dick in America.

318
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:50,731
Yeah, at that point,
you just a freak, you just a spectacle.

319
00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:53,775
Nobody's having sexual thoughts

320
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:57,112
about nine-foot men, okay?

321
00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:58,572
The angles are off.

322
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:04,244
That's like me coming across
some tire-sized titties.

323
00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:10,792
Like... Like sure, I wanna see them.

324
00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:14,087
S... So I can say I saw them, but,

325
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:18,383
I don't wanna be responsible
for 'em on a regular basis.

326
00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:19,968
It's heavy.

327
00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:22,179
You know.

328
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:26,266
I don't like it, we gotta get...
We gotta nip this in the bud.

329
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,644
We outta control.

330
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:30,812
I think... You know what?

331
00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:33,857
I think we could solve
a lot of problems in society

332
00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,693
if, uh, if men

333
00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:39,988
had to put they dick size
on they driver's license.

334
00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:46,536
- [woman] Really?
- Yeah.

335
00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:49,331
Think about this.

336
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,667
We got...
We got a gun violence problem, right?

337
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,168
But what's the real problem?

338
00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:55,754
It's not guns,
but it's who could get a gun.

339
00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:59,758
And we gotta stop these little-dick niggas
from getting guns.

340
00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:03,178
Because...

341
00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:06,098
'Cause I got a theory.

342
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:10,185
I think a man shooting,
I think that's little-dick activity.

343
00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:15,399
It's something about shooting up an area
that screams "little-dick activity" to me.

344
00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:18,110
You know? 'Cause... And don't misinterpret...

345
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:22,447
I'm not... I'm not suggesting that dudes
with big dicks don't kill people.

346
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,408
But we...

347
00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:35,002
we usually kill specific people.

348
00:21:38,005 --> 00:21:42,050
You know? 'Cause I can empathize
with a man being fed up.

349
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:44,011
Being at his limit, you know?

350
00:21:44,011 --> 00:21:48,598
We all get frustrated at work,
whatever, life, whatever, society...

351
00:21:48,598 --> 00:21:51,268
That's why we go home,
drink a little beer, smoke a little weed,

352
00:21:51,268 --> 00:21:53,937
so we can calm down
and don't kill no-fuckin'-body.

353
00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:55,856
Right?

354
00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:59,401
If I ever got to the point where I'm like,
"Imma kill a motherfucker tomorrow,"

355
00:21:59,901 --> 00:22:03,905
I'm walking into work,
and I'm shooting Cheryl.

356
00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:09,661
'Cause she the one been fucking
with me for three and a half years.

357
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:13,957
I'm not gonna shoot up Accounts Receivable
and hope Cheryl get the message, right?

358
00:22:13,957 --> 00:22:18,628
What kind of man
does a passive-aggressive murder?

359
00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:20,964
A little-dick man, if you ask me.

360
00:22:22,382 --> 00:22:24,426
[crowd cheering]

361
00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:25,761
Yeah.

362
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:34,603
I know y'all uncomfortable
with this, but listen.

363
00:22:35,645 --> 00:22:37,856
We can go measure and see if I'm right.

364
00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:41,651
For whatever reason,
if you kill a lot of people, they kill you

365
00:22:41,651 --> 00:22:43,570
or arrest you gently, you know?

366
00:22:43,570 --> 00:22:45,655
So we got a lot of these niggas intact.

367
00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:48,283
Let's go see what
they working with. Because...

368
00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:53,747
Look, if you woke up tomorrow
and I published my findings...

369
00:22:59,669 --> 00:23:04,383
all of y'all would be like,
"Get the fuck outta here."

370
00:23:05,759 --> 00:23:09,679
"Every mass shooter in the last 30 years

371
00:23:10,555 --> 00:23:12,224
got a three-inch dick?"

372
00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:17,020
"Erect? Wow, that's crazy.
I woulda never thought."

373
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,482
Then we would have bipartisan support.

374
00:23:22,651 --> 00:23:25,320
Introduce my legislation, "Liberals,
I'm getting guns off the street."

375
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,030
"Conservatives, I'm creating jobs."

376
00:23:29,074 --> 00:23:33,120
Right? We start a national corp
of dick measurers, like the Census.

377
00:23:36,373 --> 00:23:38,792
Right? We base it out of Texas, okay?

378
00:23:40,001 --> 00:23:42,754
And every five years,
we go around the country,

379
00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:44,589
we measure every penis.

380
00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:49,469
We give you a comprehensive dick score.

381
00:23:50,554 --> 00:23:53,223
We put it on your license, all right?

382
00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:56,184
And then, your dick score determine

383
00:23:56,184 --> 00:23:58,395
what size weapons you're allowed to own.

384
00:24:04,484 --> 00:24:07,404
Th... This is the dream.
Picture it, imagine it.

385
00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:11,950
Some nerd walks into the gun store.

386
00:24:11,950 --> 00:24:16,204
[stuttering] "Excuse me.
Nobody will fuck me or be my friend. Um..."

387
00:24:16,872 --> 00:24:19,291
"Let me have an AR-15, please."

388
00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:22,002
"Um, let me see your ID here."

389
00:24:22,002 --> 00:24:23,378
[sucks air in teeth]

390
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,297
"Ooh."

391
00:24:26,006 --> 00:24:30,427
"I'm so sorry, sir. You, uh...
You don't have the girth for a rifle."

392
00:24:31,052 --> 00:24:33,138
"Yeah, it's a minimum girth."

393
00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:35,849
"Um..."

394
00:24:36,892 --> 00:24:39,853
"You can still purchase this high-end

395
00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:41,480
slingshot."

396
00:24:44,107 --> 00:24:46,860
Or this surprisingly effective

397
00:24:47,444 --> 00:24:50,113
duck call, those are your two choices.

398
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:59,539
And then, he goes to work the next day,
"Fuck you, Cheryl!" [mimics duck call]

399
00:25:03,251 --> 00:25:04,252
Okay.

400
00:25:07,589 --> 00:25:08,965
I love it, I love it.

401
00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:13,220
This is something I love the most.

402
00:25:13,220 --> 00:25:16,723
This is the funniest thing to me
about, like, society and shit, like...

403
00:25:17,515 --> 00:25:19,351
Everybody's gathered here.

404
00:25:19,851 --> 00:25:21,520
Having a good time.

405
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,730
People from all walks of life.

406
00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:25,649
Right? And...

407
00:25:27,108 --> 00:25:29,361
We didn't cure COVID.

408
00:25:32,322 --> 00:25:34,491
We just... We just stopped caring.

409
00:25:36,618 --> 00:25:38,078
- Right? But...
- [man] Right.

410
00:25:38,078 --> 00:25:40,664
So what's the lesson
to learn from all that, is that, hey,

411
00:25:40,664 --> 00:25:43,917
don't let politicians get you
riled up and hating your neighbor.

412
00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:46,836
Right? 'Cause... Because the truth is,

413
00:25:46,836 --> 00:25:48,922
you gotta admit, this is evidence,

414
00:25:49,422 --> 00:25:54,094
the only difference between conservatives
and liberals, when it came to COVID,

415
00:25:54,594 --> 00:25:56,304
was how long you gave a fuck.

416
00:25:56,972 --> 00:25:59,349
[audience cheering loudly]

417
00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:01,393
Yeah.

418
00:26:04,479 --> 00:26:07,649
'Cause... Look, I'm not saying...
I'm not saying you can't disagree,

419
00:26:07,649 --> 00:26:10,026
you can't argue,
you can't fight for your rights.

420
00:26:10,026 --> 00:26:13,363
But, like, you got more in common
than they let on, you know?

421
00:26:14,155 --> 00:26:17,075
Yeah, liberals gave it
like a year and a half,

422
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:19,411
conservatives give it
like a week and a half.

423
00:26:21,705 --> 00:26:23,999
But we all arrived at the same conclusion.

424
00:26:25,166 --> 00:26:27,294
Grandma need to stay in the fuckin' house.

425
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,050
So we can go outside, you feel me?

426
00:26:35,635 --> 00:26:38,430
Think about it, you sitting here,
not giving a fuck about something

427
00:26:38,430 --> 00:26:40,265
that we were so serious about...

428
00:26:40,265 --> 00:26:43,351
Motherfuckers was losing friends,
stopped talking to family...

429
00:26:43,351 --> 00:26:46,104
"I'm not gonna sit
at Thanksgiving table and..." Right?

430
00:26:46,813 --> 00:26:48,106
I ain't lose nobody.

431
00:26:48,106 --> 00:26:51,234
I knew my uncle
was a dumb bitch way before

432
00:26:51,943 --> 00:26:53,153
the pandemic.

433
00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:57,157
You know? I still love him,
you know what I'm saying?

434
00:26:59,534 --> 00:27:00,744
Like, "Fuck Dr. Fauci."

435
00:27:00,744 --> 00:27:02,704
"He don't make peach cobbler, nigga."

436
00:27:08,168 --> 00:27:12,255
The only place it still feel like
the pandemic sometimes, is in an Uber.

437
00:27:13,757 --> 00:27:14,799
Right?

438
00:27:14,799 --> 00:27:18,678
There's a small part of Americans that
didn't get the memo. They out here still...

439
00:27:19,220 --> 00:27:21,765
You know, like it's 2020,
masked up, gloved up.

440
00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:25,143
And sometimes, they be your Uber driver.

441
00:27:26,478 --> 00:27:28,563
You know, and it's like they not wrong.

442
00:27:28,563 --> 00:27:31,107
But it's like,
"You stupid bitch, stop that shit."

443
00:27:31,107 --> 00:27:34,277
Right? That's how you feel sometimes.
You making me feel stupid.

444
00:27:35,403 --> 00:27:38,698
But if you in somebody's car, you in
an Uber, you gotta be on what they on.

445
00:27:38,698 --> 00:27:41,201
And I travel too much,
I catch too many Ubers.

446
00:27:41,201 --> 00:27:44,079
So I gotta keep a mask on me
when I go to certain places.

447
00:27:44,079 --> 00:27:47,582
'Cause I don't know what they gonna...
Like I treat my mask like a condom.

448
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:51,044
In an Uber, I get in, and I'm like, "So..."

449
00:27:55,048 --> 00:27:56,049
"Like..."

450
00:27:57,092 --> 00:27:59,594
"We can use 'em
if you really wanna use 'em, but..."

451
00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:02,514
"Come on, I'm clean. What are we gonna..."

452
00:28:08,895 --> 00:28:12,273
They're like, "When you got tested?"
I'm like, "I meant I don't feel sick."

453
00:28:12,273 --> 00:28:13,483
"I don't know..."

454
00:28:14,067 --> 00:28:15,902
[chuckles] You know what I'm saying?

455
00:28:20,323 --> 00:28:22,659
Speaking of condoms,
do you guys know that, uh,

456
00:28:23,284 --> 00:28:25,704
even though the economy's
all fucked and crazy now,

457
00:28:26,287 --> 00:28:27,914
the condoms are going steady.

458
00:28:28,998 --> 00:28:30,708
Yeah, steadily up.

459
00:28:31,376 --> 00:28:34,713
Yeah, which means
a lot of people are buying condoms.

460
00:28:34,713 --> 00:28:38,675
Which is crazy to me,
'cause nobody uses condoms.

461
00:28:40,635 --> 00:28:44,013
Right, and see, you giggle 'cause you
kinda know what I'm saying is true.

462
00:28:44,013 --> 00:28:47,225
I mean, we live in a time where
they put up billboards to remind you

463
00:28:47,225 --> 00:28:49,769
that syphilis is still a th...
You know what I mean?

464
00:28:51,604 --> 00:28:54,858
But I ask this question
in every city and every show,

465
00:28:54,858 --> 00:28:57,110
and I get the same answer every time.

466
00:28:57,110 --> 00:28:58,194
Right? Watch this.

467
00:28:58,194 --> 00:29:00,905
Uh, round of applause if you use condoms.

468
00:29:00,905 --> 00:29:02,365
[silence]

469
00:29:02,365 --> 00:29:04,492
[laughter]

470
00:29:05,785 --> 00:29:06,870
See how wild that is?

471
00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:11,166
We all doing it raw out here.

472
00:29:12,333 --> 00:29:13,585
Yeah.

473
00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:20,633
The goal is raw, raw is for lovers,
we all trying to get to raw.

474
00:29:22,469 --> 00:29:26,139
That's why half of y'all psychos
are buying condoms for no reasons.

475
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:30,477
Because you want the new person you're
trying to fuck to notice the condoms,

476
00:29:30,477 --> 00:29:33,438
assume you use them all the time
and not make you use one.

477
00:29:39,235 --> 00:29:42,781
Those are the only people buying condoms.
And listen, that's not true.

478
00:29:42,781 --> 00:29:47,827
There's a very, very, very small, niche
group of people that also buy condoms.

479
00:29:48,995 --> 00:29:52,832
And it's people that, um,

480
00:29:52,832 --> 00:29:56,211
respect the hell out of their wives
but still cheat on them.

481
00:29:58,463 --> 00:30:00,381
Yeah, it's like, "I'll break our vows,

482
00:30:00,381 --> 00:30:03,134
but I'm not gonna fuck up
your pH balance, baby. I'm..."

483
00:30:04,052 --> 00:30:07,472
"I'm not gonna bring another bitch flora
and fauna to your pussy. That's..."

484
00:30:07,472 --> 00:30:09,057
"That would be disrespectful."

485
00:30:13,686 --> 00:30:15,772
And it kind of scares me because...

486
00:30:16,856 --> 00:30:18,858
because nobody's using condoms

487
00:30:18,858 --> 00:30:21,569
at a time when, like,
we hornier than we ever been.

488
00:30:22,403 --> 00:30:24,906
- Everybody horny as shit.
- [person] Whoo!

489
00:30:24,906 --> 00:30:26,783
Right, because, think about this.

490
00:30:27,283 --> 00:30:31,830
COVID is the last thing that happened
to everybody in the world

491
00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:33,790
since World War II.

492
00:30:35,124 --> 00:30:36,793
And what happened after World War II?

493
00:30:36,793 --> 00:30:37,961
Baby boom.

494
00:30:38,461 --> 00:30:40,755
'Cause when people think
the world about to end,

495
00:30:40,755 --> 00:30:42,799
we like, "We got to get it in!"

496
00:30:44,759 --> 00:30:47,178
When you think you might die,
you wanna fuck.

497
00:30:52,141 --> 00:30:55,937
Scientifically proven, around the world,
everybody hornier than a motherfucker.

498
00:30:55,937 --> 00:30:57,146
Hornier than ever.

499
00:30:57,730 --> 00:31:01,609
And I personally think America
is hornier than the rest of the world.

500
00:31:02,318 --> 00:31:04,654
Right? Because we got caught off guard.

501
00:31:05,655 --> 00:31:06,781
The most.

502
00:31:06,781 --> 00:31:09,576
Which made it scarier,
which made us hornier.

503
00:31:16,082 --> 00:31:17,917
And why did we get caught off guard?

504
00:31:18,668 --> 00:31:20,712
Well, because we the best.

505
00:31:21,921 --> 00:31:26,259
And we been the best for so long,
a lot of us was born in the best country.

506
00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:28,428
And we spoiled about a lot of shit.

507
00:31:30,346 --> 00:31:34,475
And... And one of the things that we spoiled
about the most is new diseases.

508
00:31:35,059 --> 00:31:37,478
We don't have to worry about those,
we just hear about 'em.

509
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:39,564
Right, remember SARS?

510
00:31:40,189 --> 00:31:41,774
Remember bird flu?

511
00:31:42,275 --> 00:31:44,527
Remember swine flu? Ebola?

512
00:31:45,236 --> 00:31:48,406
Yeah, that was all shit
we read about, it didn't stop our lives.

513
00:31:49,407 --> 00:31:52,660
We were like, "Oh, oh, shit.
Okay, damn. That's horrible."

514
00:31:52,660 --> 00:31:56,539
"For <i>them</i>. Okay, can I please
get a number two with a..."

515
00:31:58,458 --> 00:32:01,002
So when COVID came around,
we was business as usual.

516
00:32:01,002 --> 00:32:03,004
We were the last ones to catch on.

517
00:32:03,004 --> 00:32:05,089
And see, a lot of y'all,
again, you cocky now,

518
00:32:05,089 --> 00:32:06,841
we well out of it, nobody cares.

519
00:32:06,841 --> 00:32:09,302
You've got shit you believe
over other shit.

520
00:32:09,302 --> 00:32:11,429
But remember when it was not political,

521
00:32:11,429 --> 00:32:14,474
nobody knew shit,
and it was just scary as fuck?

522
00:32:15,183 --> 00:32:16,476
Imma take you back.

523
00:32:18,603 --> 00:32:19,729
December.

524
00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:21,648
2019.

525
00:32:22,482 --> 00:32:25,151
We all heard little whisperings,
"There's a new disease."

526
00:32:25,151 --> 00:32:26,527
We said, "Whereabout?"

527
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:30,907
"They said somewhere in China."

528
00:32:30,907 --> 00:32:33,660
We was like,
"Okay, ain't that where they be at? Like..."

529
00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:38,539
"Fuck that got to do with us?
We're going Christmas shopping, okay."

530
00:32:39,165 --> 00:32:40,583
"Get these deals, huh?"

531
00:32:43,127 --> 00:32:44,420
Then a few weeks later,

532
00:32:45,296 --> 00:32:47,090
we heard it was fuckin' up Italy.

533
00:32:48,216 --> 00:32:51,135
We were like,
"Oh, shit, that's unusual. Hm."

534
00:32:51,928 --> 00:32:54,222
"Maybe we should prepare,
or something like that, eh?"

535
00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:57,976
"Yeah, but you know what, though?
They dirty as shit in Italy, like..."

536
00:33:00,103 --> 00:33:03,898
"They got one famous canal, you can't swim
in it. That's crazy. They nasty as shit."

537
00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:07,318
"Of course, if it was gonna be anywhere,
it would be Italy, you know?"

538
00:33:07,985 --> 00:33:08,986
"Happy New Year."

539
00:33:12,824 --> 00:33:15,743
Then a few weeks later,
we heard it was fucking up Seattle.

540
00:33:16,744 --> 00:33:18,830
And we were like,
"Okay, that's concerning."

541
00:33:19,789 --> 00:33:22,375
"That means it's here.
So, maybe we should probably..."

542
00:33:23,251 --> 00:33:26,004
"But you know what, though?
If you think about it, like Seattle..."

543
00:33:28,923 --> 00:33:32,093
"That's basically
the Italy of America, like if we..."

544
00:33:33,469 --> 00:33:34,512
"They dirty as shit too."

545
00:33:34,512 --> 00:33:37,098
"All they gave us was, what?
Grunge music, the Supersonics."

546
00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:40,476
"They fuckin' nasty, bro.
If it was gonna be anywhere..."

547
00:33:42,437 --> 00:33:43,730
"Happy Valentine."

548
00:33:46,399 --> 00:33:48,067
Then a couple weeks later,

549
00:33:48,901 --> 00:33:50,903
it started affecting important places.

550
00:33:52,530 --> 00:33:55,742
Shut down New York City.
"Not our crown jewel."

551
00:33:56,409 --> 00:33:57,785
They beat 9/11.

552
00:34:02,123 --> 00:34:03,833
Then it fucked up Hollywood.

553
00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:06,294
Started shutting off TV.
We were still outside.

554
00:34:09,839 --> 00:34:11,257
Then Tom Hanks got it.

555
00:34:13,176 --> 00:34:14,927
We said, "Shit, rich people getting it?"

556
00:34:14,927 --> 00:34:17,430
"Get all the toilet paper you can carry!
Get in the house!"

557
00:34:17,430 --> 00:34:19,682
"Don't come out! Hide from everything!"

558
00:34:25,063 --> 00:34:28,024
That's when you were so horny
you couldn't believe it.

559
00:34:29,484 --> 00:34:33,279
And what made it even scarier,
which made us even hornier,

560
00:34:35,114 --> 00:34:38,409
is that dumb motherfuckers
always talk first.

561
00:34:38,409 --> 00:34:40,328
Way before scientists.

562
00:34:41,078 --> 00:34:44,707
That's just how the world works.
Science take time, stupid is instant.

563
00:34:47,835 --> 00:34:49,879
Don't forget, we were scared to death.

564
00:34:49,879 --> 00:34:51,881
All we knew was it was here,

565
00:34:51,881 --> 00:34:54,634
it had killed people and it was spreading,

566
00:34:54,634 --> 00:34:55,885
and it was in the air.

567
00:34:59,514 --> 00:35:01,474
And we waiting for fuckin' answers,

568
00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:03,768
and scientists are collecting samples,

569
00:35:03,768 --> 00:35:06,979
and waiting for centrifuges
to stop spinning.

570
00:35:07,855 --> 00:35:10,066
And the dumbest nigga you know
was on Twitter going,

571
00:35:10,066 --> 00:35:13,361
"It's coming from
the 5G antennas, everybody."

572
00:35:15,321 --> 00:35:18,616
"We knew these next-generation speeds
would come at a price."

573
00:35:18,616 --> 00:35:21,327
"They broadcasting it to us all,

574
00:35:21,327 --> 00:35:23,871
and it's all the worst things
mixed together."

575
00:35:23,871 --> 00:35:27,583
"It's AIDS mixed with Ebola,
mixed with child support!"

576
00:35:27,583 --> 00:35:31,003
"Run for your lives!
Hide wherever you can!"

577
00:35:32,380 --> 00:35:34,841
That's when you was at your horniest.

578
00:35:36,384 --> 00:35:38,803
In the house, running out of toilet paper.

579
00:35:40,054 --> 00:35:43,015
Looking into bidets for the first time.

580
00:35:45,226 --> 00:35:46,727
Peeking out your blinds, like,

581
00:35:46,727 --> 00:35:49,522
"I might have to fuck
whoever left out there."

582
00:35:55,319 --> 00:35:57,363
Number one song in the country

583
00:35:57,864 --> 00:35:59,448
was "Wet-Ass Pussy."

584
00:36:01,951 --> 00:36:03,870
For most of that whole year.

585
00:36:05,621 --> 00:36:09,292
And if you look
into the history of <i>Billboard</i>,

586
00:36:09,292 --> 00:36:11,294
there's never been a song

587
00:36:11,294 --> 00:36:13,129
with "pussy" in the title

588
00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:16,841
in the top 50, let alone number one.

589
00:36:17,633 --> 00:36:18,926
We did that.

590
00:36:24,557 --> 00:36:27,268
Some of the old guys are confused, um...

591
00:36:29,228 --> 00:36:32,231
"Wet-Ass Pussy," the kids called it "WAP,"
it's "WAP" for short.

592
00:36:32,732 --> 00:36:33,774
Uh...

593
00:36:34,275 --> 00:36:35,526
But it's... it's...

594
00:36:35,526 --> 00:36:38,613
It's a women's-empowerment anthem

595
00:36:40,489 --> 00:36:42,575
by a stripper

596
00:36:43,784 --> 00:36:45,453
turned rapper

597
00:36:46,287 --> 00:36:48,289
named Cardi B.

598
00:36:48,998 --> 00:36:51,751
Um, basically, America's sweetheart.

599
00:36:51,751 --> 00:36:52,793
You know?

600
00:36:53,461 --> 00:36:54,462
And...

601
00:36:57,465 --> 00:36:59,383
And, uh... And it's all about

602
00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:03,137
all the things she gets away with

603
00:37:03,137 --> 00:37:04,931
and all the privileges she gets

604
00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:07,016
'cause she got good-ass pussy.

605
00:37:08,226 --> 00:37:10,353
Right, and my favorite part of the song...

606
00:37:10,353 --> 00:37:13,856
You're gonna love this... My favorite part
of the song, she goes, uh,

607
00:37:13,856 --> 00:37:16,442
"I don't cook, I don't clean."

608
00:37:16,442 --> 00:37:18,361
"How you think I got this ring?"

609
00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:22,782
Right, implying that she don't gotta do
none of that wifey shit

610
00:37:22,782 --> 00:37:24,742
'cause she got good-ass pussy.

611
00:37:24,742 --> 00:37:27,536
She got married anyway,
you know what I mean?

612
00:37:28,162 --> 00:37:30,915
And... And that's hilarious because

613
00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:33,209
shortly after the song came out,

614
00:37:33,209 --> 00:37:34,919
her husband cheated on her.

615
00:37:37,380 --> 00:37:38,464
And...

616
00:37:38,464 --> 00:37:41,259
Uh... That's... No, I mean that's... Listen.

617
00:37:43,135 --> 00:37:45,596
I celebrate Black love.
They got back together.

618
00:37:46,305 --> 00:37:49,058
They back together, and they had
another baby, beautiful family.

619
00:37:49,058 --> 00:37:51,102
They going strong,
and I wish them the best.

620
00:37:51,102 --> 00:37:53,396
But I'm sure now, you know, Cardi knows

621
00:37:54,063 --> 00:37:55,690
she got amazing pussy,

622
00:37:56,482 --> 00:38:00,528
but she still need to, you know,
microwave a Hot Pocket sometimes, or...

623
00:38:02,154 --> 00:38:06,284
You know, maybe you got take-a-load-
out-the-dryer-and-fold-it-pussy.

624
00:38:06,284 --> 00:38:09,245
I don't know what your dynamic is, but...

625
00:38:11,122 --> 00:38:13,499
But no-chores-pussy
is like once in a generation.

626
00:38:13,499 --> 00:38:16,127
Like most of y'all
don't got that, that's crazy.

627
00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:20,464
It's a crazy standard to hold yourself to.

628
00:38:21,716 --> 00:38:24,927
That's the problem with that song, it was
so catchy, everybody was in the house,

629
00:38:24,927 --> 00:38:28,681
we all heard it, everybody know the words,
and it fucked a lot of women up.

630
00:38:28,681 --> 00:38:32,018
It made a lot of women think
they got better pussy than they got.

631
00:38:33,227 --> 00:38:36,731
You know, everybody know the words think
they got the WAP. How's that possible?

632
00:38:37,857 --> 00:38:40,609
How can everybody have something
that's special? That's crazy.

633
00:38:44,905 --> 00:38:47,408
Okay, look, I ain't here
to fuck with y'all's self-esteem.

634
00:38:49,702 --> 00:38:51,370
Everybody got the WAP, okay?

635
00:38:53,622 --> 00:38:55,541
Yeah, tell 'em I said it. I'll vouch.

636
00:38:57,752 --> 00:39:00,921
But I will say, there's levels
to the WAP, can we agree?

637
00:39:01,964 --> 00:39:04,550
Yeah, all pussies ain't created equal.

638
00:39:05,593 --> 00:39:07,845
No, no. Go to the vagina museum.

639
00:39:07,845 --> 00:39:10,723
It's all...
They all different shapes and sizes

640
00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:13,100
and curves and ridges

641
00:39:13,100 --> 00:39:15,102
and different pelvic-floor strengths.

642
00:39:17,229 --> 00:39:19,315
There's pussy
that feel like it got a hand in it

643
00:39:19,315 --> 00:39:20,858
that's doing extra stuff.

644
00:39:26,781 --> 00:39:29,492
Now, I measure pussy
by what it could potentially ruin.

645
00:39:29,492 --> 00:39:30,659
So...

646
00:39:32,161 --> 00:39:33,829
I'll say, um...

647
00:39:35,498 --> 00:39:36,749
WAP one...

648
00:39:39,627 --> 00:39:41,670
can ruin your other relationships.

649
00:39:42,630 --> 00:39:45,007
You know, you get some WAP one,

650
00:39:45,591 --> 00:39:47,927
you know, you're gonna call your mom less.

651
00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:53,224
Um, you gonna start
canceling plans with the homies,

652
00:39:53,224 --> 00:39:56,268
or cutting 'em short more often, um...

653
00:39:56,268 --> 00:40:00,773
You gonna start sending emojis
that you wasn't sending before. Um...

654
00:40:01,565 --> 00:40:05,069
You might have to sell something you love,
your PlayStation, your golf clubs.

655
00:40:06,362 --> 00:40:08,948
But that... that's standard good pussy. Um...

656
00:40:09,907 --> 00:40:12,785
And that's the highest
good pussy I advise,

657
00:40:13,702 --> 00:40:16,330
um... you deal with, um,

658
00:40:16,330 --> 00:40:18,666
'cause it gets out of control
from there. Um...

659
00:40:20,042 --> 00:40:21,502
Now, WAP two,

660
00:40:23,129 --> 00:40:26,715
Well, first, I don't know who graduated
or whatever, but, um...

661
00:40:27,758 --> 00:40:30,386
This... This is not additive,
this is exponential.

662
00:40:33,973 --> 00:40:35,182
Like the Richter scale.

663
00:40:37,351 --> 00:40:38,769
[stammering] In other words...

664
00:40:38,769 --> 00:40:41,355
[clears throat] WAP two is not

665
00:40:41,355 --> 00:40:42,982
two WAP ones.

666
00:40:44,650 --> 00:40:45,860
It's ten of 'em.

667
00:40:49,196 --> 00:40:51,282
And then a hundred and a thousand and so...

668
00:40:51,282 --> 00:40:54,410
You just need to understand
the jumping power is substantial.

669
00:40:56,162 --> 00:40:58,330
WAP two can fuck up your finances.

670
00:41:00,499 --> 00:41:03,419
Okay? It's that pyramid-scheme pussy.

671
00:41:07,923 --> 00:41:10,050
Shit'll have you wake up
in a couple weeks, like,

672
00:41:10,676 --> 00:41:13,554
"When did I order
all this Herbalife? I guess..."

673
00:41:15,431 --> 00:41:17,641
"I guess I'm a small business
owner now, hm."

674
00:41:23,272 --> 00:41:27,401
[exhales] The WAP three,
I call that, uh, anti-matter pussy.

675
00:41:30,404 --> 00:41:33,532
Right when you come in contact
with it, it destroy both of y'all.

676
00:41:34,575 --> 00:41:37,578
Right? That Amber Heard, if you will.

677
00:41:38,579 --> 00:41:39,580
You know?

678
00:41:42,291 --> 00:41:45,836
Pussy so good, she take a shit
on your bed, you don't break up with her.

679
00:41:45,836 --> 00:41:47,963
No, you stick around.

680
00:41:49,673 --> 00:41:53,469
She cut off one of your fingers, you like,
"I got nine more fingers. God is good."

681
00:41:54,511 --> 00:41:55,554
"All right?"

682
00:41:55,554 --> 00:41:58,182
"We gonna abuse each other
till we go to trial, bitch."

683
00:42:05,231 --> 00:42:09,318
Now, WAP four, uh,
is as high as I'm gonna go, 'cause, uh...

684
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:13,697
You know, WAP five is Eve. Um...

685
00:42:17,117 --> 00:42:20,496
WAP four is as high as I'll go 'cause
I don't think none of y'all got that,

686
00:42:20,496 --> 00:42:21,622
'cause...

687
00:42:22,957 --> 00:42:25,125
It's not that I don't believe in you that...

688
00:42:26,168 --> 00:42:28,128
I just feel like that's a lot of power

689
00:42:28,963 --> 00:42:32,424
for one person to have, and just
be sitting here with us regular folk.

690
00:42:32,424 --> 00:42:33,676
You know what I mean?

691
00:42:37,555 --> 00:42:38,931
WAP four can...

692
00:42:39,932 --> 00:42:41,350
can ruin a nation.

693
00:42:43,143 --> 00:42:44,812
Change the course of history.

694
00:42:45,312 --> 00:42:47,565
Start a war, end a war.

695
00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:49,775
You know, that Helen of Troy.

696
00:42:53,028 --> 00:42:54,655
- [man] Right.
- I love the confidence here.

697
00:42:54,655 --> 00:42:57,408
Some women looking at me like,
"Nigga, you ain't saying shit."

698
00:42:58,325 --> 00:43:00,119
Look, she confident,
she looking at me like,

699
00:43:00,119 --> 00:43:03,872
"Boy, I'll put it on Putin one time,
and save Ukraine with this pussy, blood."

700
00:43:04,623 --> 00:43:06,083
I love that faith.

701
00:43:06,083 --> 00:43:09,253
[audience cheers and whistles]

702
00:43:09,253 --> 00:43:10,337
Right?

703
00:43:10,337 --> 00:43:11,964
She looking at me like, "And?"

704
00:43:14,967 --> 00:43:18,220
No, I like the confidence. I would love
all you ladies to be confident.

705
00:43:18,220 --> 00:43:20,139
I just want you to be accurate.

706
00:43:22,850 --> 00:43:25,561
Okay, if you think...
If you saying you got that four,

707
00:43:25,561 --> 00:43:27,646
I'm not here to tell you otherwise.

708
00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:32,276
But I want you to be accurate.

709
00:43:33,319 --> 00:43:35,154
Okay, you might have a four's attitude,

710
00:43:35,154 --> 00:43:38,574
you walking around with a 3.5
talking too much, know what I'm saying?

711
00:43:39,908 --> 00:43:43,871
So, what Imma do for you is,
Imma give you a historical example,

712
00:43:44,663 --> 00:43:47,041
and then you decide
where your pussy measure up.

713
00:43:48,500 --> 00:43:49,418
Deal?

714
00:43:49,418 --> 00:43:50,419
[man] Deal.

715
00:43:51,170 --> 00:43:52,629
Okay, so...

716
00:43:53,255 --> 00:43:55,215
Y'all heard of Queen Elizabeth?

717
00:43:57,051 --> 00:43:59,261
This, uh, you know,
this seemingly immortal,

718
00:43:59,261 --> 00:44:02,431
racist, Cryptkeeper-lookin' bitch
that finally fuckin' died

719
00:44:02,431 --> 00:44:06,268
when they found the Infinity Stones,
or whatever killed that fuckin' cunt.

720
00:44:06,268 --> 00:44:08,062
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

721
00:44:08,062 --> 00:44:10,606
Groan all the fuck you want,
you bootlickers.

722
00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:13,192
How dare you be a real American,

723
00:44:13,192 --> 00:44:15,736
worshiping the Royal Family
like they fuckin' matter.

724
00:44:16,236 --> 00:44:17,071
They are...

725
00:44:17,071 --> 00:44:19,156
- Listen.
- [cheering]

726
00:44:21,575 --> 00:44:25,913
They are, objectively,
the worst family that has ever lived.

727
00:44:26,789 --> 00:44:29,708
All they've ever done is steal shit,

728
00:44:29,708 --> 00:44:32,461
destroy cultures and fuck their cousins.

729
00:44:34,296 --> 00:44:36,757
They just the Targaryens with no dragons.

730
00:44:37,591 --> 00:44:39,093
They not better than you.

731
00:44:41,762 --> 00:44:44,848
Anyway... Ole Lizzy

732
00:44:45,933 --> 00:44:49,436
was not supposed
to be the Queen of England.

733
00:44:49,436 --> 00:44:52,481
Okay? She was not in line to be the Queen.

734
00:44:52,481 --> 00:44:56,235
Her Uncle Edward was the King of England.

735
00:44:56,985 --> 00:44:59,113
He started fuckin' with an American woman

736
00:44:59,113 --> 00:45:01,365
named Wallis Simpson.

737
00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:03,701
No relation.

738
00:45:09,915 --> 00:45:11,709
Bomb-ass pussy, though.

739
00:45:14,586 --> 00:45:17,965
Wallis was originally married

740
00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:19,258
to a pilot.

741
00:45:20,050 --> 00:45:21,885
Back when pilots was new.

742
00:45:22,386 --> 00:45:23,512
Very lucrative.

743
00:45:24,388 --> 00:45:26,682
She divorced that pilot,
married a millionaire,

744
00:45:26,682 --> 00:45:29,268
back when millionaire
was as high as you could go.

745
00:45:31,687 --> 00:45:34,773
Divorced the millionaire,
started fucking the King of England.

746
00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:37,401
Yeah, yeah.

747
00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:41,530
That... That pussy went pilot,
millionaire, royalty.

748
00:45:43,282 --> 00:45:45,951
That's a hell of a resume
for one vagina, is it not?

749
00:45:48,662 --> 00:45:52,040
Like her queefs are just <i>The Jeffersons</i>
theme song, you know what I mean?

750
00:45:58,505 --> 00:46:00,674
I'm sorry, young lady, <i>The Jeffersons</i> is

751
00:46:02,050 --> 00:46:04,470
a sitcom from the '80s, where...

752
00:46:05,512 --> 00:46:08,682
It was like a rags-to-riches story,
and the main part of the theme song was...

753
00:46:08,682 --> 00:46:10,058
<i>♪ Movin' on up ♪</i>

754
00:46:10,058 --> 00:46:13,061
Right? So, that's why
these old fucks are laughing.

755
00:46:16,064 --> 00:46:18,817
But, um, he wanted
to marry her immediately.

756
00:46:19,526 --> 00:46:22,029
Right, less than a year
he was trying to get linked, right?

757
00:46:22,029 --> 00:46:25,449
And, uh, the problem is,
the King of England is also

758
00:46:25,449 --> 00:46:28,452
automatically the head
of the Church of England.

759
00:46:29,077 --> 00:46:31,747
And the Church gotta bless you
being King, you know?

760
00:46:32,247 --> 00:46:34,792
And the Church of England
didn't allow divorce.

761
00:46:35,584 --> 00:46:38,170
At the time,
and so they was like, "Hey, you can't

762
00:46:38,879 --> 00:46:41,465
be the King and marry a divorced bitch."

763
00:46:43,008 --> 00:46:45,010
So he just quit being the King.

764
00:46:47,262 --> 00:46:51,058
He's the first king, and only king
in history, to just give up the throne.

765
00:46:52,184 --> 00:46:53,810
He gave it to his little brother.

766
00:46:53,810 --> 00:46:56,647
His little brother never expected
to be King. He wasn't ready.

767
00:46:57,356 --> 00:47:00,859
It overwhelmed him. He had a speech
impediment and a cocaine problem.

768
00:47:02,861 --> 00:47:06,031
Ten months into his reign,
he dropped dead of a heart attack,

769
00:47:06,031 --> 00:47:09,952
and everything passed on
to his teenage daughter, Elizabeth.

770
00:47:09,952 --> 00:47:12,204
And that is how
we got stuck with that bitch

771
00:47:12,204 --> 00:47:14,414
for 90 million years,
or whatever the fuck.

772
00:47:18,877 --> 00:47:23,006
So ask yourself again,
do you have quit-being-the-king-pussy?

773
00:47:31,890 --> 00:47:32,850
Hm.

774
00:47:38,939 --> 00:47:42,693
Now, if you say yes, I'll believe you,
and I will just respectfully

775
00:47:43,735 --> 00:47:47,447
like to sniff it one time,
just so I... just so I can know...

776
00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:51,702
for the future, you know?

777
00:47:55,664 --> 00:47:56,748
Now...

778
00:48:00,127 --> 00:48:02,421
I don't know if y'all picked up on it, um...

779
00:48:04,965 --> 00:48:08,552
I been dropping little clues,
little Easter eggs,

780
00:48:08,552 --> 00:48:10,220
throughout my set, um...

781
00:48:10,804 --> 00:48:12,890
But I'm a... I'm a big time

782
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:14,641
feminist.

783
00:48:18,270 --> 00:48:20,981
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I've been doing a lot of reading lately,

784
00:48:20,981 --> 00:48:22,858
and, um, you know,

785
00:48:22,858 --> 00:48:24,443
Bell Hooks, etc., you know?

786
00:48:24,443 --> 00:48:27,154
They make good points, like,
"Women are people," stuff like that.

787
00:48:27,154 --> 00:48:31,116
I'm like, "Okay,
that's a good argument." You know? So...

788
00:48:32,784 --> 00:48:37,247
I started acting like women were people.
It didn't break anything or ruin anything.

789
00:48:39,833 --> 00:48:41,585
And, um... And as...

790
00:48:41,585 --> 00:48:44,796
As a male feminist... I might be
the greatest male feminist of all time.

791
00:48:45,589 --> 00:48:48,300
I study on, I meditate on my feminism.

792
00:48:48,300 --> 00:48:51,094
I think about it a lot.
I've thought about this a lot.

793
00:48:51,678 --> 00:48:52,596
Um...

794
00:48:53,096 --> 00:48:54,806
As a male feminist,

795
00:48:55,557 --> 00:48:58,226
there's only three situations
that I will be comfortable

796
00:48:58,894 --> 00:49:00,562
punching a woman in the face.

797
00:49:02,022 --> 00:49:06,443
And... And not feeling bad
about it, uh, at all. Right?

798
00:49:06,443 --> 00:49:07,611
And, uh... And listen,

799
00:49:07,611 --> 00:49:12,741
I know a lot of the women already got
strong feelings about it. You know?

800
00:49:12,741 --> 00:49:16,578
You haven't heard what I'll say, and I've
been entertaining you for an hour.

801
00:49:16,578 --> 00:49:20,499
Maybe some of y'all think I'll be like,
"Punch bitches, good night," right? But...

802
00:49:25,253 --> 00:49:27,547
I don't want everybody
screaming out how they feel.

803
00:49:27,547 --> 00:49:30,759
I'll just... I'm gonna pick one of y'all
to just be the representative.

804
00:49:30,759 --> 00:49:32,427
Is it okay with you? You wanna...

805
00:49:33,011 --> 00:49:35,138
Okay, so Imma say each reason,

806
00:49:35,722 --> 00:49:39,685
and then, Imma do like this, and then,
you can respond however you like.

807
00:49:40,185 --> 00:49:42,980
You can say whatever you want.
You can't say "nigga" though. I know...

808
00:49:45,065 --> 00:49:47,776
Yeah, the white women tricky.
They be like, "You said anything."

809
00:49:47,776 --> 00:49:51,113
No, bitch, not... Not on my watch, no. So...

810
00:49:53,156 --> 00:49:56,702
Here it is, three reasons
I would punch a woman in the face,

811
00:49:57,244 --> 00:49:59,454
and not feel bad about it, um...

812
00:49:59,454 --> 00:50:00,998
Number one,

813
00:50:01,665 --> 00:50:04,292
is if she asked me to.

814
00:50:06,795 --> 00:50:08,755
Yeah, that's called "consent."

815
00:50:11,133 --> 00:50:13,009
That's none of your business, uh,

816
00:50:14,136 --> 00:50:17,013
how two adults climax, or whatever.

817
00:50:17,013 --> 00:50:18,724
That, um...

818
00:50:19,975 --> 00:50:21,560
Are you okay with consent, ma'am?

819
00:50:22,728 --> 00:50:23,895
- Yeah.
- [Simpson] Yes?

820
00:50:24,396 --> 00:50:25,605
Good girl. So...

821
00:50:25,605 --> 00:50:29,151
[crowd cheering]

822
00:50:31,903 --> 00:50:33,864
So, my number two reason,

823
00:50:35,115 --> 00:50:37,409
uh, that I would punch a woman in the face

824
00:50:37,409 --> 00:50:39,703
and not feel bad about it, at all,

825
00:50:40,704 --> 00:50:43,415
uh, is if she was stompin' out my mama.

826
00:50:46,001 --> 00:50:48,754
Now... let me be clear.

827
00:50:51,798 --> 00:50:53,925
I'll let you get a fair fight
with my mama.

828
00:50:56,178 --> 00:50:57,512
She talk a lot of shit.

829
00:51:02,934 --> 00:51:05,604
Sh... She got a mouth on her, you know?

830
00:51:06,104 --> 00:51:07,773
But she got hands to match.

831
00:51:09,024 --> 00:51:10,734
Right? She legendary in the hood.

832
00:51:10,734 --> 00:51:13,653
She like 49 and 12,
something crazy, you know?

833
00:51:17,074 --> 00:51:19,117
Yeah. But I'm not gonna
let you stomp her out.

834
00:51:19,117 --> 00:51:20,911
I know a lot of y'all from the suburbs.

835
00:51:20,911 --> 00:51:22,746
A stomp out is basically...

836
00:51:24,498 --> 00:51:27,125
uh... when you already won a fist fight,

837
00:51:27,793 --> 00:51:29,795
and your opponent is on the ground,

838
00:51:30,837 --> 00:51:32,839
and you decide to be extra

839
00:51:34,466 --> 00:51:38,637
and stomp on her body,
uh, for bonus damage.

840
00:51:41,348 --> 00:51:42,349
You know?

841
00:51:43,266 --> 00:51:46,812
Let's just say, for the sake of argument,
you know, you at the function,

842
00:51:47,437 --> 00:51:49,064
you get into it with my mom,

843
00:51:49,564 --> 00:51:51,441
you know, it come to blows,

844
00:51:51,441 --> 00:51:53,735
and, you know,
the Lord is with you that day.

845
00:51:54,694 --> 00:51:58,281
You know, you overcome the Philly Shell,
you get the best of her.

846
00:51:59,032 --> 00:52:00,283
She's laid out.

847
00:52:01,493 --> 00:52:02,619
That's not an issue.

848
00:52:03,328 --> 00:52:06,915
I'll help her up, we'll go home.
It's happened a dozen times before.

849
00:52:10,752 --> 00:52:13,880
But if you move in for the stomp,
Imma jab you, bitch.

850
00:52:15,132 --> 00:52:17,342
I'm not letting you
stomp my mama, I'm sorry.

851
00:52:21,805 --> 00:52:23,390
And, again, let me be clear.

852
00:52:24,099 --> 00:52:26,518
I'm not gonna fight you
like I would fight a man.

853
00:52:29,145 --> 00:52:30,897
But Imma give you a quick, you know,

854
00:52:31,439 --> 00:52:33,483
"Bitch, be good,"
you know what I'm sayin'?

855
00:52:35,902 --> 00:52:39,489
Imma give you a little sample, you decide
if you want the whole thing, like, uh...

856
00:52:39,990 --> 00:52:42,117
Like Costco, but for whooping your ass.

857
00:52:46,621 --> 00:52:48,456
For my mom, is all I'm saying.

858
00:52:50,083 --> 00:52:51,001
For my mom?

859
00:52:52,002 --> 00:52:54,796
That's fair?
Thank you, thank you. Outstanding.

860
00:52:55,297 --> 00:52:57,757
[people cheering]

861
00:52:57,757 --> 00:52:59,593
Oh. [clears throat]

862
00:52:59,593 --> 00:53:01,720
And last but not least, um...

863
00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:03,305
My tip-top reason,

864
00:53:04,222 --> 00:53:05,557
uh, that I would punch

865
00:53:06,183 --> 00:53:07,726
a... a woman in the face,

866
00:53:08,310 --> 00:53:10,270
and not feel bad at all...

867
00:53:11,313 --> 00:53:13,023
Uh... And let me just say,

868
00:53:14,065 --> 00:53:16,318
as a veteran of the US Marine Corp...

869
00:53:18,028 --> 00:53:20,530
[loud cheering]

870
00:53:27,329 --> 00:53:29,205
...my most American reason

871
00:53:30,332 --> 00:53:33,585
that I will punch a woman in the face
and not feel bad at all...

872
00:53:33,585 --> 00:53:34,628
[person] Yeah.

873
00:53:35,962 --> 00:53:38,924
...is if someone offered me enough money,
for the right amount of money...

874
00:53:38,924 --> 00:53:41,468
[cheering]

875
00:53:42,260 --> 00:53:44,346
Yeah, that's where I am with it. Um...

876
00:53:44,888 --> 00:53:46,848
That's the American way.

877
00:53:46,848 --> 00:53:48,892
Okay, our values are for sale.

878
00:53:49,601 --> 00:53:51,686
There's three numbers
you gotta know as an American,

879
00:53:51,686 --> 00:53:53,605
your address, your social

880
00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:56,024
and how much money you would sell out for.

881
00:53:57,317 --> 00:54:00,362
And, uh, for me,
where I am in my life right now...

882
00:54:00,987 --> 00:54:04,115
Uh, you know, 'cause Netflix doesn't pay
as much as you would imagine.

883
00:54:04,658 --> 00:54:08,036
Uh... For about 50 thousand dollars,

884
00:54:09,996 --> 00:54:12,832
not a bitch in this room
would be safe, you understand?

885
00:54:12,832 --> 00:54:15,460
I will put the tips
on every single one of y'all.

886
00:54:18,338 --> 00:54:20,131
No, we're stupid, we're silly.

887
00:54:20,131 --> 00:54:22,550
We're having fun, you know?

888
00:54:23,051 --> 00:54:25,512
Some blogger's gonna
have fun with it and report...

889
00:54:25,512 --> 00:54:27,097
I want y'all to know something.

890
00:54:27,097 --> 00:54:29,641
I ain't one of these comedians
to be hiding behind,

891
00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:34,479
like, "Oh... Oh, you know, the...
This is art, and these are just jokes."

892
00:54:34,479 --> 00:54:35,522
I meant that.

893
00:54:41,236 --> 00:54:43,530
You know, so decide
if you still a fan, or whatever.

894
00:54:44,781 --> 00:54:46,992
Nah, I'm kidding. No, seriously.

895
00:54:46,992 --> 00:54:50,370
No, seriously, guys, listen,
there's no lessons in my jokes.

896
00:54:51,288 --> 00:54:54,666
Know what I mean, if you learned
something, or shifted your perspective,

897
00:54:54,666 --> 00:54:58,837
or you feel enlightened by something,
that was purely a coincidence by...

898
00:54:58,837 --> 00:55:01,506
You know what I'm saying?
That's just a side effect.

899
00:55:01,506 --> 00:55:03,591
My goal was to make you laugh, you know?

900
00:55:03,591 --> 00:55:06,553
I'm not a philosopher king
or none of that shit, you know?

901
00:55:06,553 --> 00:55:08,305
But some people, that's not enough.

902
00:55:08,805 --> 00:55:13,226
They need they comedians to be serious,
they want a real nugget to leave with.

903
00:55:13,226 --> 00:55:16,146
You know, something to really
remember it by, that I really mean,

904
00:55:16,146 --> 00:55:18,398
that's really my personality.
And some of y'all need...

905
00:55:18,398 --> 00:55:21,234
And this last one,
this is for those people, okay?

906
00:55:22,569 --> 00:55:24,571
If you gotta leave here with something,

907
00:55:25,405 --> 00:55:26,740
leave here with this...

908
00:55:28,033 --> 00:55:29,492
All y'all gay.

909
00:55:36,624 --> 00:55:38,084
All y'all gay.

910
00:55:46,176 --> 00:55:47,302
That's facts.

911
00:55:50,263 --> 00:55:52,223
I'm mostly talking to the men. You're...

912
00:55:52,223 --> 00:55:55,143
You know, you're gayer
than you're allowed to admit.

913
00:55:56,728 --> 00:55:58,563
Like I said, I did a lot of reading.

914
00:55:59,689 --> 00:56:02,942
I discovered this guy, Dr. Kinsey. 'Kay?

915
00:56:02,942 --> 00:56:05,195
He's an American scientist.

916
00:56:05,195 --> 00:56:09,366
He's the first person
to actually study sexuality in depth.

917
00:56:09,866 --> 00:56:12,327
He did it for 40-some odd years.

918
00:56:12,327 --> 00:56:17,499
He did so many surveys and experiments,
and he founded the Institute of Sexuality.

919
00:56:18,083 --> 00:56:20,585
And he invented the Kinsey Scale.

920
00:56:21,377 --> 00:56:24,172
Which is a measure of how gay you are.

921
00:56:26,758 --> 00:56:30,970
And so, Dr. Kinsey says,
"'Are you gay,' is a silly question."

922
00:56:31,471 --> 00:56:34,516
"The real question is 'How gay are you?'"

923
00:56:37,185 --> 00:56:40,480
And... And I've lost a lot of you,
especially the older people,

924
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:43,233
'cause y'all grew up like me,
in the '70s and '80s.

925
00:56:43,817 --> 00:56:45,568
Okay, it was a simpler time.

926
00:56:46,069 --> 00:56:48,404
You was either gay or straight.

927
00:56:48,905 --> 00:56:49,906
Or ugly.

928
00:56:54,786 --> 00:56:57,372
But now we know better
than that, it's not binary.

929
00:56:57,372 --> 00:56:59,874
It's a spectrum, my niggas.

930
00:57:00,959 --> 00:57:02,836
Okay? And you somewhere on there.

931
00:57:02,836 --> 00:57:05,255
It goes all the way
from Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson

932
00:57:05,255 --> 00:57:07,715
to Lil Nas X's backup dancer.

933
00:57:11,177 --> 00:57:14,013
And you... And you somewhere on there.

934
00:57:17,976 --> 00:57:19,936
And... Look, in other words, it's...

935
00:57:20,437 --> 00:57:22,772
We used to think it was a light switch.

936
00:57:22,772 --> 00:57:25,066
Now we know it's a dimmer switch.

937
00:57:31,322 --> 00:57:32,574
Okay, all right.

938
00:57:33,408 --> 00:57:35,952
See, this... this is the part
of the night where I realize,

939
00:57:35,952 --> 00:57:38,830
oh, the crowd is full
of a bunch of bitch-ass niggas.

940
00:57:40,165 --> 00:57:42,417
That's what you are. You... I been...

941
00:57:42,417 --> 00:57:47,589
For 55 minutes, I been shittin'
on women's mustaches and ovaries,

942
00:57:47,589 --> 00:57:50,383
and I gave you a list of reasons
I will punch 'em in the face,

943
00:57:50,383 --> 00:57:53,678
and all y'all was... [mimics chuckling]
"Yeah, get her!"

944
00:57:55,180 --> 00:57:57,891
And now, I'm just making
a general observation

945
00:57:57,891 --> 00:58:00,393
that mildly threatens your sexuality,

946
00:58:00,393 --> 00:58:03,271
and you motherfuckers can't handle it.

947
00:58:04,063 --> 00:58:06,232
[audience cheering]

948
00:58:06,232 --> 00:58:08,735
I see. I see.

949
00:58:09,277 --> 00:58:10,862
It's all right. It's all right.

950
00:58:10,862 --> 00:58:13,948
'Cause I... I understand, fellas.
I get what's going on.

951
00:58:13,948 --> 00:58:15,909
You know, it's like... Like...

952
00:58:15,909 --> 00:58:19,412
Ladies, this is the one area
where y'all really actually do

953
00:58:19,412 --> 00:58:21,998
have a... an advantage, you know?

954
00:58:21,998 --> 00:58:25,126
'Cause, like, sure, you know,
your eggs are running out, right? But...

955
00:58:26,586 --> 00:58:30,048
But your sexuality is
infinite and untouchable.

956
00:58:31,216 --> 00:58:34,719
Y'all can go to college
and eat 45 pussies.

957
00:58:36,346 --> 00:58:40,016
And right after graduation, be like,
"You know what? It's not for me."

958
00:58:42,018 --> 00:58:43,561
And go get you a husband.

959
00:58:44,354 --> 00:58:46,606
Tell him all the stories,
show him the pictures.

960
00:58:48,399 --> 00:58:51,653
These dudes can't even laugh
at this joke too hard, because...

961
00:58:55,156 --> 00:58:57,283
Because masculinity is a prison.

962
00:58:57,909 --> 00:59:01,287
Okay? Manness is a club, okay, it's a box.

963
00:59:01,287 --> 00:59:03,122
You gotta stay in the fuckin' box.

964
00:59:03,122 --> 00:59:05,708
You can lose being a man, you understand?

965
00:59:05,708 --> 00:59:08,586
It's like being stripped
of the title, no rematch.

966
00:59:09,212 --> 00:59:11,256
One gay shit, you're out the club.

967
00:59:14,634 --> 00:59:16,719
Right? that's all these dudes'
biggest fear.

968
00:59:16,719 --> 00:59:18,555
They gonna come to close to some gay shit,

969
00:59:18,555 --> 00:59:21,808
and then, the UFC announcement team
is gonna materialize.

970
00:59:21,808 --> 00:59:24,686
Like, "It's all over! It's all over!"

971
00:59:24,686 --> 00:59:26,354
"It's the end of an era!"

972
00:59:30,900 --> 00:59:34,654
But deep down, they all know
what I'm saying is kinda true.

973
00:59:35,613 --> 00:59:38,491
'Cause all the manliest shit
is the gayest shit.

974
00:59:40,076 --> 00:59:44,247
If you exclude women from something,
it's just a countdown till it gets gay.

975
00:59:46,457 --> 00:59:48,876
You been to prison? Gay!

976
00:59:50,336 --> 00:59:53,923
Oh, you played football? Locker room, gay!

977
00:59:54,424 --> 00:59:57,135
Oh, you served in the military?
Gay as fuck.

978
00:59:57,802 --> 00:59:59,596
It's the gayest thing you ever did.

979
01:00:05,476 --> 01:00:08,563
But I get, it. Like I said, I get it.
We're trapped, we're trapped.

980
01:00:08,563 --> 01:00:11,316
We got all these dumb rules
that make us behave weirdly to y'all.

981
01:00:11,316 --> 01:00:13,818
Every time you see a man
doing something you don't understand...

982
01:00:13,818 --> 01:00:15,445
Y'all got all these names for it.

983
01:00:15,445 --> 01:00:18,406
"Oh, it's misogyny,
it's homophobia, it's all this."

984
01:00:18,406 --> 01:00:21,701
It's just the same phenomenon,
you just naming it different shit.

985
01:00:21,701 --> 01:00:24,996
It's nigga's tryin' to stay in the box.

986
01:00:26,080 --> 01:00:28,291
Okay, because one step out,
it's cold out here.

987
01:00:29,250 --> 01:00:31,252
Out here, they treat you
like a woman, oh no!

988
01:00:32,170 --> 01:00:35,923
So, we do everything we can
to stay right here with it.

989
01:00:36,716 --> 01:00:39,969
We got dumb... Like, you know one
of the rules for men... This is crazy to me.

990
01:00:39,969 --> 01:00:41,971
We allowed to hug our friends.

991
01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:44,390
but we not allowed to exhale.

992
01:00:47,560 --> 01:00:50,313
No, you gotta hold your breath
during that hug.

993
01:00:51,481 --> 01:00:54,192
No matter how much
you miss 'em, you gotta...

994
01:00:54,984 --> 01:00:57,612
The best you can do
is punch 'em in the spine, "My guy!"

995
01:01:00,490 --> 01:01:02,992
He coulda just done 15 years in prison.

996
01:01:03,534 --> 01:01:04,452
For you.

997
01:01:06,162 --> 01:01:09,165
And you at his coming home party,
you hug him, soon as your shoulders drop...

998
01:01:09,165 --> 01:01:11,292
[exhales] ...someone's gonna be like,
"You see that?"

999
01:01:13,127 --> 01:01:15,463
"That was romantic, nigga.
What's going on with him?"

1000
01:01:20,051 --> 01:01:22,637
You know, they...
they did a survey. [clears throat]

1001
01:01:22,637 --> 01:01:24,639
60% of men,

1002
01:01:25,348 --> 01:01:29,977
uh, saw all 27
of the first 27 Marvel movies.

1003
01:01:31,687 --> 01:01:35,566
Yeah. And 90% of them
gave 'em positive reviews.

1004
01:01:35,566 --> 01:01:39,320
That's how much we love superheroes.
<i>Infinity War</i> was fuckin' dope.

1005
01:01:40,113 --> 01:01:43,491
Right, I could write
them same exact movies,

1006
01:01:43,491 --> 01:01:45,201
and change one detail.

1007
01:01:47,161 --> 01:01:49,455
At the end, Thanos snap like this...

1008
01:01:52,625 --> 01:01:53,668
And...

1009
01:01:54,877 --> 01:01:58,172
And them same dudes would
have to change they whole opinion

1010
01:01:58,172 --> 01:02:00,007
of everything that happened.

1011
01:02:00,758 --> 01:02:03,720
"Like, I mean, it was cool
to see it on the big screen, but...

1012
01:02:03,720 --> 01:02:06,723
I felt like it had an agenda,
you know what I mean, like,

1013
01:02:06,723 --> 01:02:08,975
Thanos was kind of suss, or whatever."

1014
01:02:12,395 --> 01:02:14,355
Yeah, it's wild, it's wild.

1015
01:02:18,776 --> 01:02:22,530
I wish... I wish the Kinsey Scale was just
a scale you could stand on, and it would...

1016
01:02:23,030 --> 01:02:25,658
It would say how gay you were,
you know what I mean?

1017
01:02:25,658 --> 01:02:28,119
I would make all y'all do it
on the way out.

1018
01:02:29,203 --> 01:02:31,247
And watch you fuckin' squirm.

1019
01:02:32,832 --> 01:02:35,334
Dudes so insecure,
they'd be like, "What?!" [gasps]

1020
01:02:35,334 --> 01:02:37,795
"What? Can I take off my shoes first and..."

1021
01:02:39,046 --> 01:02:40,465
[chuckles]

1022
01:02:45,219 --> 01:02:46,596
No, it's true, it's true.

1023
01:02:46,596 --> 01:02:51,601
And y'all know it, 'cause we've met
those dudes that are "100% straight."

1024
01:02:52,268 --> 01:02:54,937
Those are the weird people.
First of all, you're not resourceful.

1025
01:02:54,937 --> 01:02:56,105
I don't respect that.

1026
01:02:57,273 --> 01:03:00,568
You're not gonna touch a dick in a pinch?
You a coward, is what you are.

1027
01:03:01,402 --> 01:03:03,196
No matter what's at stake? Come on.

1028
01:03:03,988 --> 01:03:07,575
I think the straightest you can be,
and be a normal person,

1029
01:03:07,575 --> 01:03:08,993
is about 95%.

1030
01:03:11,496 --> 01:03:13,706
Yeah, yeah, that's right,
I'm calling all of you

1031
01:03:14,207 --> 01:03:15,750
5% gay.

1032
01:03:17,502 --> 01:03:21,839
I think that's about the average...
I think that's the straightest you can be

1033
01:03:21,839 --> 01:03:23,424
and be... and act normal.

1034
01:03:24,425 --> 01:03:27,637
Okay, I'm not backing down.
You 5% gay, nigga, that's what I said.

1035
01:03:30,807 --> 01:03:33,768
Guys, again, relax,
this is not a trick, I'm on your side.

1036
01:03:34,435 --> 01:03:36,979
Masculinity's a prison,
I'm trying to bust you out.

1037
01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:39,899
That... Listen, 95%

1038
01:03:40,608 --> 01:03:42,068
straight is straight enough.

1039
01:03:42,860 --> 01:03:45,863
That... That 5%,
that's where your feminine side live.

1040
01:03:46,864 --> 01:03:48,449
That's where your empathy at.

1041
01:03:49,075 --> 01:03:52,453
That's why you can listen to your woman's
stories and pretend you care.

1042
01:03:53,538 --> 01:03:56,207
That's why you can play dress-ups
with your kids.

1043
01:03:56,207 --> 01:03:59,043
That's why you can rub a baby's chin
and say, "Goochie-goo."

1044
01:04:03,506 --> 01:04:06,175
5% gay don't mean you love dick.

1045
01:04:09,262 --> 01:04:12,848
It means you a grown-ass man
that's focused on his mission,

1046
01:04:12,848 --> 01:04:15,685
that's willing to tolerate a dick
if it gets in the way.

1047
01:04:18,396 --> 01:04:20,815
That's called being an adult,
grow the fuck up.

1048
01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:25,027
[people cheering]

1049
01:04:25,027 --> 01:04:28,030
I'm calling you gay
'cause I believe in you, motherfucker.

1050
01:04:31,701 --> 01:04:32,827
Still don't got 'em.

1051
01:04:34,203 --> 01:04:37,874
All right, that's fine. I ain't want it
to have to come to this, but whatever.

1052
01:04:39,375 --> 01:04:42,003
You know, ladies,
I been kinda shittin' on y'all all night.

1053
01:04:42,753 --> 01:04:44,630
And, uh, I'm not sorry, but...

1054
01:04:45,798 --> 01:04:48,384
it's all led up to this moment, you know?

1055
01:04:48,384 --> 01:04:50,803
'Cause these dudes left me hanging.

1056
01:04:51,888 --> 01:04:53,347
And... So Imma bless y'all...

1057
01:04:53,347 --> 01:04:55,975
Imma bless y'all
with a little nugget, okay?

1058
01:04:56,517 --> 01:04:58,936
I'm about to tell y'all a fact

1059
01:04:59,604 --> 01:05:03,899
about men
that you have probably never heard.

1060
01:05:04,984 --> 01:05:05,818
Right?

1061
01:05:05,818 --> 01:05:07,862
Look how quiet it is. Hmm.

1062
01:05:12,033 --> 01:05:14,201
All I ask in exchange

1063
01:05:14,827 --> 01:05:17,246
for revealing
this little nugget of wisdom,

1064
01:05:17,955 --> 01:05:20,374
is that you look at the face

1065
01:05:20,875 --> 01:05:22,877
of the man that's with you

1066
01:05:23,628 --> 01:05:25,129
as I say this.

1067
01:05:26,005 --> 01:05:26,881
Okay?

1068
01:05:27,715 --> 01:05:29,592
And if you not here with no man,

1069
01:05:29,592 --> 01:05:31,719
just watch this nigga right here,

1070
01:05:32,928 --> 01:05:35,806
and this motherfucker right there, okay?

1071
01:05:36,307 --> 01:05:40,394
'Cause both of them... Both of them
were laughing the hardest the whole show.

1072
01:05:41,187 --> 01:05:43,481
Until I started this joke,
and I lost 'em both.

1073
01:05:43,481 --> 01:05:45,566
They been straight-faced the whole time.

1074
01:05:47,443 --> 01:05:48,778
Arms folded.

1075
01:05:49,487 --> 01:05:51,739
"Speak for yourself, queer,"
you know what I mean?

1076
01:05:51,739 --> 01:05:53,199
Just looking at me like that.

1077
01:05:53,199 --> 01:05:55,493
Like, "Just come out
the closet, it's Austin."

1078
01:05:55,493 --> 01:05:57,620
"Nobody cares, faggot,"
you know what I mean?

1079
01:05:57,620 --> 01:05:59,455
That's how they were looking at me.

1080
01:06:00,039 --> 01:06:00,915
So,

1081
01:06:01,999 --> 01:06:04,168
watch your man and watch these men.

1082
01:06:04,961 --> 01:06:05,836
Okay?

1083
01:06:07,004 --> 01:06:08,714
And here it is, very simple.

1084
01:06:10,007 --> 01:06:13,094
Every man in America
has one thing in common, for sure.

1085
01:06:13,594 --> 01:06:16,806
We've all been getting haircuts
since we was babies.

1086
01:06:17,473 --> 01:06:19,433
And one thing we never talk about,

1087
01:06:19,433 --> 01:06:20,977
is every once in a blue moon,

1088
01:06:21,477 --> 01:06:25,106
in the middle of a haircut, the barber's
dick will brush up against you.

1089
01:06:32,989 --> 01:06:35,533
Yeah, you're not straight-faced
no more, my nigga, huh?

1090
01:06:39,745 --> 01:06:42,289
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1091
01:06:42,832 --> 01:06:46,085
All y'all had a dick on you.
I don't hear no objections.

1092
01:06:47,503 --> 01:06:49,130
Yeah, let's talk about it.

1093
01:06:51,966 --> 01:06:54,760
Nah, don't explain.
Let me talk, I'll explain for you.

1094
01:06:56,637 --> 01:06:59,598
Now, listen, ladies, it's not...
it's not sexual.

1095
01:07:00,099 --> 01:07:01,600
It's just physics.

1096
01:07:02,268 --> 01:07:04,854
Okay, those beauty chairs
are well-lubricated.

1097
01:07:05,438 --> 01:07:09,442
You tap 'em like that, they fuckin' spin,
you know? Slightest momentum.

1098
01:07:09,442 --> 01:07:12,987
And if you got a good barber,
they up on you close, they rotatin'.

1099
01:07:13,654 --> 01:07:15,031
For precision.

1100
01:07:15,614 --> 01:07:19,035
Right? Sometimes, the chair and the barber
are going in opposite directions.

1101
01:07:19,035 --> 01:07:21,120
You got your elbow sticking off too far.

1102
01:07:21,704 --> 01:07:23,581
Out of nowhere... bang.

1103
01:07:26,042 --> 01:07:28,085
You've been hit by a smooth criminal.

1104
01:07:35,051 --> 01:07:38,846
And here is what's gonna
really blow your fuckin' mind!

1105
01:07:39,680 --> 01:07:42,933
Do you know how we react
when this happens?

1106
01:07:44,018 --> 01:07:45,019
We don't.

1107
01:07:45,978 --> 01:07:47,021
We don't.

1108
01:07:48,981 --> 01:07:51,859
We have all the little ways
that niggas cancel out gay shit,

1109
01:07:51,859 --> 01:07:55,154
pause, no homo, all that,
we don't do none of that shit.

1110
01:07:55,988 --> 01:07:59,158
We freeze, we act like
it didn't fuckin' happen.

1111
01:08:01,911 --> 01:08:04,205
And do you know why we act
like it didn't happen?

1112
01:08:04,205 --> 01:08:06,791
It's because we're grown men.

1113
01:08:07,875 --> 01:08:09,251
And we understand

1114
01:08:09,752 --> 01:08:12,296
that the worst thing
that can happen at a barber shop,

1115
01:08:12,797 --> 01:08:14,924
ain't a half-second dick touch.

1116
01:08:16,342 --> 01:08:19,553
It's walkin' out that barber shop
with a fucked up haircut.

1117
01:08:21,347 --> 01:08:23,808
[crowd cheering]

1118
01:08:26,018 --> 01:08:27,228
You understand?

1119
01:08:30,356 --> 01:08:32,441
The haircut is the mission.

1120
01:08:33,526 --> 01:08:35,194
The dick is in the way.

1121
01:08:37,446 --> 01:08:40,491
And if you was 100% straight, you'd
run out that barber shop screaming,

1122
01:08:40,491 --> 01:08:42,993
or fight somebody,
or come back with a shotgun.

1123
01:08:44,745 --> 01:08:47,456
But you're not an idiot. You 5% gay.

1124
01:08:50,126 --> 01:08:53,254
And that's what allows you
to slide right past that dick.

1125
01:08:55,256 --> 01:08:56,715
And look in the mirror.

1126
01:08:57,967 --> 01:08:59,468
And go, "God damn."

1127
01:09:00,386 --> 01:09:02,888
"I'd risk it all again to look this good."

1128
01:09:06,016 --> 01:09:09,270
I'm Brian Simpson, everybody.
Thank y'all for coming out, Austin.

1129
01:09:09,270 --> 01:09:11,981
[loud cheering]

1130
01:09:13,232 --> 01:09:16,026
["Prestige" by J Soulja playing]

1131
01:09:20,531 --> 01:09:22,199
[no audible dialogue]

1132
01:09:31,792 --> 01:09:33,961
["Prestige" continues]

1133
01:10:50,537 --> 01:10:52,623
["Prestige" fades out]