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Someone once said,
"Time is what we want most,
but what we use the worst."
Maybe I'm misquoting, but it was something like that.
Isaac, what are you doing up there?
I don't know.
Well, when you're done come down,
we've got work to do.
This is supposed to be my vacation.
We have an hour till the lift shows up.
Can I even while you, you know?
Let me ask you a question.
What?
What happened to that crazy hillbilly
with a guitar that I fell in love with?
The one that used to always make me laugh?
I wasn't no hillbilly.
You wasn't no-
- Shut up. - Hillbilly.
Shut up. I can still make you laugh.
It's not really funny
when I'm always in the middle of the joke.
Isn't that what they warn you about, marrying funny guys?
They're great until they start using you
for their comedic material.
I should've listened, shouldn't I?
Hm, I don't know, maybe.
Hm, kidding, Isaac.
I can still make you laugh.
No, that's ticklish, stop! Stop!
♪ In a Christmas kind of way ♪
♪ You can feel that winter glow ♪
Not gonna be much of a white Christmas this year.
Hardly any snow on the ground.
This whole area looks different.
Look at all these new subdivisions.
♪ There's a wind out in the chill ♪
What is it?
Hmm. There's cheese in this burrito.
Well, should I ask him to turn around and go back?
No, it's fine.
We'll just wait till we get to your dad's house
and we'll ask if he has a granola bar.
I'm sure he has something.
I don't think I've seen him eat a granola bar ever
in my entire life.
The man keeps chickens.
Ipso facto, he eats eggs for breakfast,
probably with some cheese sprinkled on top.
A couple of strips of bacon.
He's gonna get cancer.
♪ Showering houses with care ♪
♪ Santa's reindeer is there ♪
Hey, could you do me a favor?
What?
Could you not mention the vegan thing?
He doesn't know?
I do not wanna have that conversation with him.
How are we supposed to eat in front of your father
without him knowing?
I'm gonna have clients up my ass next week
because I wasn't in my office.
Can't it wait?
Geez, I dragged you out here,
this is what you wanted to do.
Do you like that nice house we live in?
God, who shit in your cereal this morning?
Maybe shouldn't even be eating anyways because.
Hey, you wanna hear a joke?
- No. - You gonna like it.
- No. - A vegan, an atheist,
and a CrossFitter walked into a bar.
And I only know that because they told everyone
as soon as they introduced themselves.
♪ Christmas kind of way ♪
I'm not playing this game with you.
♪ Kind of way ♪
I didn't have cereal this morning
because you wanted to get a $15 vegan burrito.
You called and he answered.
Of course he answered.
He has a home phone and no caller ID.
Well, he didn't hang up.
♪ All the perks of magic snow ♪
Look, my sister
didn't talk to my mom-
- I get your point. - For like six years.
I've heard the story.
And you're right,
he didn't hang up
- and now we're here. - I know.
I'm just saying
this is the right thing to do.
Don't you love your father?
♪ Oh, leather scent ♪
♪ From dreamers now absent ♪
♪ Small tidings seem so large ♪
♪ In a Christmas kind of way ♪
Where are the horses?
Don't know.
Hi!
Oh, good to see you.
Didn't gotta knock, you know?
Well, I don't have a key.
I don't lock the doors.
Been here 30 years.
Who's ever tried to break into this house?
I don't even think that sliding door there even can lock.
You guys grabbed some food?
Yeah, that's for us.
What's that?
Some, uh, breakfast burritos
from some hipster joint Tania found on Yelp.
Oh, well, I was about ready to go out
and get some eggs, but that'll do.
You ain't eating?
My stomach is feeling a bit upset.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie.
I got Tums and Pepto in the medicine cabinet.
Uh, I, I'm okay.
No, no, I insist.
Can't have you suffering all day. Hold on.
Just eat the burrito, it'll make everything easier.
No, I'm gonna order my own lunch,
because every time you order something it goes wrong.
- Every time? - Every time. It's just-
Well, it looks like I'm outta the pills, actually.
I've had some problems, but always had a cast-iron stomach.
No longer though.
Mm.
Mm. Here we go.
Oh! Thanks, Abe.
Yeah.
- Mm. - Mm!
There you go.
So, uh, what time was your flight this morning?
We actually flew in yesterday afternoon.
Oh, yeah, I, I got up around 6:00
and cleaned the place up a little bit.
Anticipation y'all was arriving.
You didn't have to do that, Dad, you got a bad back.
I can push the vacuum just fine.
Besides, I had needed to get the spare room ready,
and all that stuff.
We were actually planning on-
We got another Airbnb for tonight.
No, absolutely not. That is an incredible waste of money.
We didn't wanna be a burden.
- Not a burden. - Dad.
Cancel the reservation.
We don't want you to have to worry about us.
Cancel the reservation. You're not burdening anybody.
Fine.
I'll go call 'em right now.
Okay. Wanna go help me feed the chickens, sweetie?
You should really lock your doors.
You know, you big-city people,
you can't solve any of your problems,
so people think they can break into your place
and steal all your stuff.
I heard in LA that you can steal up to $900 a day
with absolutely no legal repercussions.
Is that true?
People get robbed at Christmas
more than any other time of the year.
Did you know that?
Well, did you know that a lock
don't keep anybody out if they really want to get in.
You know what does?
What?
Bullets. I got plenty of them.
They ain't gonna bite, you know?
I'm not scared of chickens, Abe.
You just looked hesitant, is all.
I did used to have a, a rooster, he'd slash at ya.
Nasty little pecker.
But he got me one too many times,
so I went and chopped off his head.
Really?
Yeah, and didn't even taste any good.
All sorts of chewy, you know?
Why don't you just let 'em out?
Let 'em run around, eat some of the bugs?
Well, I used to
unti- 'til they started getting a taste
of old Dale's strawberries.
He was not happy about that.
Well, why don't you just put in a better fence?
Oh, you got any idea how much fence costs nowadays?
Can't afford to be putting up a new fence,
just so some silly chickens go around, free-ranging it.
I got a whole acre here.
Well, we can help you with that.
I don't want that kinda help.
- See any more? - What?
Eggs.
Uh, sorry, I got distracted.
I was just admiring the chicken coop.
Isaac actually helped me build it.
Nicest chicken coop I ever seen.
Better than my damn house.
Be careful now, it doesn't hold a full bag.
There. That, that's good, that's good.
Fair trade.
Mm.
They're so adorable.
Delicious too.
We'll have to slaughter one for you while you here
- so you can try it out. - No!
No, I don't want you to do that
because they're so cute.
I couldn't, I, I mean, I couldn't bear to eat them, they're-
You know, food's gotta get to your table somehow.
I just would prefer that you didn't kill
any of the chickens while we are here.
Suit yourself.
Hey, if it was, uh, summertime
and the garden was going, would it be okay
if I snuck out there and killed you some lettuce?
You know what I seen on YouTube the other day?
I seen where scientists are learning
about the ability of plants to,
to feel things and remember things.
There we are.
Like a tree.
How's a tree know to grow its root around a rock?
That every time there's a drop.
So scientists started dropping it over-
Season up. It had learned the drop was safe.
He's gonna talk her ear off all day.
Oh, and, and the smell of freshly cut grass,
you know what that is?
That's the grass telling others that it's in trouble.
Yeah, every time while you're out there,
think about that now.
Wait!
Aren't you gonna wash your hands?
There's chicken poop out there.
Tania!
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Been a while since a woman been in the house.
Forgot my manners.
Abe, do you have a pen and paper?
I was gonna
- start a list. - Yeah.
Yeah. A thing to grab, hang on.
Okay, so "fix the pipe,"
is at the top of the list.
Is there anything else?
I was thinking about that pile of stuff
I have stored in the garage.
This would've been a great opportunity to move it outta here
if we had thought ahead and rented a truck.
There's probably some kind of nest now.
We got a big mouse problem out there in the garage.
Neighbor's cat's been slacking off, so there's that.
Do you have any Christmas decorations?
Yeah, yeah. They're gonna be out there in the garage.
Yeah, his momma used to do all that stuff.
You're grayer than you used to be.
Yeah, well, so are you.
Okay.
So,
whose idea was this?
Coming out here? Both of us.
So you would come up to help me after my surgery,
but you wouldn't come up for your mom's funeral.
I was stuck in China, Dad.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I started noticing the pressure go down
when I's out watering the chickens.
You're gonna make me crawl into the house, aren't you?
Yeah, first we gotta find the leak.
Where's the pipe at?
That's a good question.
Somewhere around here.
This has gotta be the worst time of year to dig a hole.
That it is.
You gonna dig in them clothes?
Here you go!
Oh, and uh, I got you a hoodie.
I think you're gonna like it.
They made a hoodie version?
Why do you have that?
They had 'em at the caucus.
I wanted a hoodie.
I can't wear this.
Yeah, that's all I can spare for yard work.
Are you serious?
What, you afraid one of your LA friends gonna see you?
Why?
What the hell is that?
- What is what? - Turn around!
- No. - Isaac!
No. Ruining a perfectly good piece of clothing.
Now it's made for working in.
Now you gotta clean that brush.
Isn't it kinda cold,
all that wet paint all over your clothes?
You know, you could have just worn it inside out.
At least you know how to treat that paintbrush
better than you treat your clothes.
Of course you probably don't even remember
what it's like having to actually pay for clothes.
What are you talking about? We pay for clothes.
Yeah, when you make $200,000 a year
buying clothes probably feels like, I don't know,
buying food off the dollar menu.
I make more than that.
200,000? That's barely middle class in LA.
Oh, you giving me a heart attack.
I know, gave me a heart attack
when I first moved out there.
House like this would be worth a couple million.
Hm.
You know, I think, uh,
shoveling some dirt's gonna do you good.
Hey, MAGA boys! Want some water?
Yeah!
Well, I'm good.
I'ma go inside and get a soda.
- You sure? - Yeah, I'm sure.
I got one waiting for me in the fridge.
Beside, the doc said I need to walk more anyway, so.
Looks like we might stay together after all.
Hey, Dad, you got any gloves?
Why, your sissy little hands can't take a shovel?
He is having fun. See?
This is going well.
Too well.
I know my father, he tortures people
through the guise of humor.
Sounds like someone else I know.
Don't forget why we're here.
I'm not. I promise.
But we should have stopped at the hardware store
for some decent gloves and a decent shovel.
Look at this piece of shit.
Quit stalling.
Isn't there something you should be cleaning right now?
Today we have a very special episode
lined up for you.
We have the privilege of sitting down
with a remarkable and inspiring-
a renowned yoga teacher, wellness advocate,
and a true embodiment of clean living.
With students from all walks of life.
There's no recycling. Really?
Shit!
Like my entertainment?
Hired him myself off a, off a, a Greg's list.
Yeah, he ain't bad.
He'd be pretty handsome if you clean him up a bit.
You couldn't afford to hire me.
Abe, what do you plan to do with the mice?
I was planning on killing 'em.
What if we move them?
Move 'em?
Yeah, they make these little humane traps
where you can capture the mice
and then you just release them away from the house.
So they can go do damage at somebody else's property?
What if you just let me release them in the woods?
You know, I, I saw some trees over there.
- You could- - Look, yeah,
I can understand that you don't want me
to kill a chicken, sweetie,
but these are mice.
An invasive species of mice even.
An invasive species of mice?
Will you please just let me
deal with them humanely?
I'm not stopping you.
Isaac?
Are you asking me?
You've already made up your mind.
Hey, will those traps keep 'em from biting you?
I tried catching one with a cup last year.
Little shit damn near bit my finger off.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Over the past couple years I've made
a couple of DIY mouse traps.
They're all super cool. They're earth-friendly.
And the one super awesome thing about 'em,
is that they're all capture and release.
So if you wanna pick any one of 'em.
Yeah, I'm not seeing it.
Yeah, looks like you need another six inches or so.
About another shovel's head.
The soil's impossible to dig.
It's all stones on top,
and then get through that and it's all sand.
Can't fill up the shovel.
Well, I know I put the damn pipe in there myself.
What happened?
Do mice have rabies?
I- I take it they didn't take too kindly to your advances.
Do you have any sort of,
uh, uh, mouse stuff?
Mice stuff? What, like poison?
Now what do you want with poison? That's not very humane.
Suddenly you get bit
and you wanna go all weapons-of-mouse destruction.
But I tell you I got bit,
it's like, "Ooh, let's just put 'em on a truck,
we'll go on down the road, drop 'em off,
see if they can kumbaya their way back home."
Abe!
Am I right or am I right?
Do you have any mousetraps?
Well, I looked this morning, I didn't find any.
I was thinking about getting, uh,
one of them industrial ones.
You know, over at the Smith & Edwards.
- Is it that bad? - Oh, yeah.
Don't be surprised if tonight they start nibbling
on your toes while you're tryna sleep.
Where you going?
Trying to make the swelling go down.
You sure you don't want one of us
to take care of the mice?
Do you have any sunscreen?
No.
You know sunscreen give you the cancer.
I read that on the, on the YouTubes, I think.
Maybe, but at least it stops the burning.
Oh, a tan will do you good.
Get you ready for beach season.
- How often you go? - The beach?
Tania goes every once in a while, but I'm usually at work,
so maybe once a year.
Man, if I lived out there, I'd,
I'd go to the beach every day.
Gotta make some time for fun,
or what's life for anyway?
I don't know, Dad,
some people have bigger ambitions than that.
Sometimes you wanna start a business,
leave a mark on the world, have a nice house,
not be worried about where your next meal's coming from.
What good's being able to afford a nice house
and all the nice meals, if, if you don't enjoy it though?
What, so you can have more time
to dig holes in the ground looking for a pipe?
This what you call enjoying it?
I could hire someone to do this.
Put some money back in the economy.
Help a Mexican immigrant keep a roof over his head.
Hey, you know, if I hadn't just had back surgery,
I'd be out there digging them holes,
looking for that pipe myself.
Smell that? That's nature right there.
Feel that breeze, that sun on your skin.
Yeah, this ain't work. This is life.
This is living.
It's easy for you to say, sitting in that chair.
Also, it's freezing cold and it smells like cows.
Well, you know, it'd be considerable less fun
if I hired a Mexican to do this,
because you know, he'd just dig the holes
and not complain the whole time.
Not complaining.
I'm just saying, if this was my house,
I'd have someone do this for me.
I'd hire somebody. That's all.
Why didn't you hire somebody to do it for me then?
Would've saved you money for the flight.
You didn't see me in so long,
what's it matter to you anyway?
Look at this sand. It just slides right off.
Oh, yeah,
looks like another dud.
You know, this probably be a whole lot easier
if you used my post hole digger.
Your post hole digger?
Yeah, you didn't know we had one?
I didn't see it.
Well, it wasn't in the garage.
Where was it then?
Over yonder in the shed, next to the good shovel.
Why didn't you say something?
Well, you started digging, I didn't wanna interrupt you.
Ah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure you didn't.
Still hurts?
Yeah, that's what happens when you play
with those evil little shits.
I figured that out.
Hey, you want a soda?
I'm good, thanks.
Come on, I got all kinds of things in here.
Might even have some hot chocolate hidden away somewhere.
I don't drink caffeine and I don't drink sugar.
Didn't you have orange juice this morning?
Ain't that sugar?
It's from fruit, that's different.
Is it?
Well, thank you, Abe.
Hey?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Hey, when did you get rid of the horses?
Uh, two years ago, maybe.
Saddle business was growing
and I just didn't have time
to take care of 'em like you supposed to.
So I gave 'em to a, a old cowboy up the road.
Give 'em the attention they need.
You know, you don't, you don't ride 'em
and work 'em regularly, they, they get antsy
and things can get kinda western.
You wear a helmet at least?
Boy, boy, ain't no cowboy
be wearing no helmets around here.
Ain't no cowboy if you don't have horses.
Fair.
Yeah, last of my riding days are probably over.
Are you sure this is the area where you put down the pipe?
Uh, somewhere around here, yeah.
- Goddammit. - Hey!
You better watch your mouth around here. You better, son.
Dad, I'm 35.
And I'm still your father.
Let's take a break.
Hey! Hey, don't leave that bottle there.
Coming back.
Just like you Californians,
you whine about the environment
and your cities are covered in more,
more trash than anywhere else.
It's bigger than it used to be.
Yeah well, that's where the horse stall was.
I cut out this wall and sealed up this end.
Now I can lay out my hides and make my cuts, no problem.
And I gotta, even got a place to put my scraps.
This is good, Dad.
Took your mama passing
before I could really make this shop work.
I was saving up the money, but I always had you
and your brother to worry about.
Yeah, but now with y'all being successful
and your mama passed, I got, I got,
got no reason but to do what I wanted to do all along.
Could have made the shop work before then?
Nah, you can't take a risk like that
when you got a family to support.
When you have kids, you'll understand that.
Dad, I already own my own business.
You're welcome.
What's that supposed to mean?
I paid for my own schooling.
You paid for your tuition.
But let's say, let's say you, you had to drop out,
or say, say you got sick or something,
you had to come home.
You lived here rent-free in the summers. Remember?
What if your business failed
and you had to start paying off that loan?
Where'd you go?
- I could've- - You stay with family.
You know, as a man responsible for,
for you and your brother
and your mother's wellbeing,
I- I- I couldn't just quit my job
at the drop of a hat.
We'd end up living in a van down by the river, right?
But you would've been doing what you wanted to do.
Yeah. Thank God you're doing what you wanna do.
I'm proud of that, son, I really am.
But I couldn't do it. Not then.
But now I got my, my little Army retirement,
you know, covering the mortgage and,
and I got time to play.
Becoming a bit of a lost art, you know.
Oh, yeah? Why is that?
People don't wanna slaughter animals
for the materials anymore?
Nah, they don't care about that.
Saddle work.
They make these manufactured saddles now by machine,
and they uh, they, they wear out really quick.
But they're cheap, and you know,
cowboys today, they can't afford a good saddle.
Now most of my customers are rich dudes
who do other stuff for a living,
but on the weekends they fancy themselves a cowboy.
Yeah, they're all doctors and dentists
and lawyers, like you.
I was wondering where you guys were.
How's your hand?
Want me to kiss it, make it better?
No.
What's up?
Uh, Abe was talking about getting Chinese earlier.
Do you want Chinese?
Yeah, Chinese sounds good.
Okay. All right, so rice and veggies?
If you want rice and veggies,
you should order rice and veggies for yourself.
You getting a plate or ordering everything individual?
Are you going to that China King place?
'Cause I'll take them over Panda any day.
A plate.
So you can get white rice and an entree.
W- white rice, no, uh, I want chow mein.
And you can get, uh, two sides, I think. Right?
Chow mein it is.
Uh, and yes, you can get two sides
or you can double it.
Veggies?
I would like ham fried rice.
Ham fried rice?
Yes.
Ham fried rice? You sure?
Yeah. In fact, here's my whole order.
Ham fried rice with a side
of sweet and sour pork,
and kung pow chicken.
- Okay, then. - Okay!
Hey, hey, hey, uh, what about my order?
Or am I just getting the chow mein?
I'm sorry. What do you want?
I'll have what he's having.
Got it.
That mad about the mice, huh?
It is exhausting watching you fumble around
looking for a pipe like that.
Yeah, well, you can go inside.
Watch some TV or something.
You don't have to stay out here with me.
Yeah, I watch enough TV.
This give you some kind of satisfaction?
Hm. Satisfaction's not quite the right word.
What is the right word?
Word escapes me.
Sorry, son, getting old.
Yeah, the old nogging don't work like it used to.
Raising you two knuckleheads sapped it outta me.
Gave you all the smarts I had.
Back's going.
Memory's going. What's next?
Me, I guess.
What kinda law you practice anyway?
I- I think I need a will.
Don't you know that?
How am I supposed to know that?
I don't know, aren't we friends on Facebook or something?
Entertainment law.
- Entertainment law. - Yeah.
That's like when somebody sues somebody else
for stealing their song?
Like that, uh, oh, what the hell's that guy's name?
Uh, Ice something? Ice.
Ice-T?
Nah, not the "Law and Order" guy.
Uh, white guy. Dumb haircut.
- Oh, Vanilla Ice. - That's the one.
That's the one.
Like him stealing that, uh, David Bowie song.
It's a Queen song, Dad.
Bowie's on it, but it's a Queen song.
No, no. That ain't right.
You can pull it up on my phone, if you want.
Eh! So you, you help sue people then?
Nah.
Well, ain't that what lawyers do,
is perpetuate our sue-happy society?
It's not what I do.
Well, what do you do then?
Artist legal representation; contracts, negotiations.
Firm also handles legal clearances.
So if you want to use a brand name
or a copyrighted image in a movie
or TV, we help with that process.
Make sure the correct paperwork gets filed, stuff like that.
So you're paper-pusher?
You wanted me to go to school
and make a lot of money.
So I went to school and I chose a path
I reckoned will make a lot of money.
I wanted to be a musician, remember?
Oh yeah. Yeah, I remember.
I remember you and that band of yours
in the garage 'til all hours at night.
Just waking up the neighbors
and scaring the hell outta the horses,
that's what I remember
You said, and I quote,
"I just want you to be secure, son.
Go to college, get a job.
You can do the music on the side."
You just said you're doing what you wanna do.
What I want now and what I wanted at 18
are a different story.
I am doing what I want now.
Well, not now, now.
Now I'm digging holes in the ground,
looking for a phantom pipe
that I'm pretty sure doesn't exist.
At least you're getting faster at it.
I know.
You like it, the contract thing?
I like having my own business.
Even if it is paper-pushing, as you put it.
Coming from a man
who makes his living as an artist now.
It's pretty rich, you giving me shit
for having a real job when you begged me to go to school.
That's funny, isn't it? It's real funny.
First off, I'm a craftsman, not an artist.
And second, don't swear.
As a man who talks to artists every day,
let me tell you that saying,
"I'm a craftsman, not an artist,"
really underlines the artist part.
You just don't wanna be known as an artist,
'cause you think it sounds feminine or something.
Not feminine. Just sounds fake.
Well, like it or not, you're an artist
and your son is a businessman.
So how much money you making over there anyway?
Really? Come on, gimme a number.
Ah, like I said before, I make a lot.
Well, you go to the beach once a year.
You haven't seen your family in five years.
Your wife put you up to all this, or what?
It takes a lot of money to keep up our quality of life.
All right?
Is, is that why you don't have any kids?
Some kind of workaholic?
I don't wanna talk about this.
Well, I'm just asking.
I'm just not answering.
That's why you're stuck in China, wasn't it?
You were working.
Even though your mom had just died and,
and we're all here planning the funeral,
tryna get ready for-
I said I don't wanna talk about it!
Well, I found the pipe.
All right, you can't, you can't wait
to get into that new crawl space.
That's true. It's the best place on Earth.
You ain't gonna say grace first?
You didn't have us say it this morning.
Well, I forgot this morning.
Important thing, is that we don't forget now.
Would you like to do the honors?
Fine.
- Wonderful. - Mm-hmm.
Please, God,
please bless this
great harvest.
We would also,
we thank you so much.
Amen.
That was a great effort, honey.
How's your food?
Mm.
You have no idea, babe.
This is, it's delicious.
Mm.
How's the veggies?
It's fine.
A little under done, but.
Yeah, I eat too much of that salad-y stuff,
gives me the diarrhea.
As you can see, I'm eating.
I'm just saying, in about 30 minutes,
you gonna be pissing backwards.
- Dad! - Okay.
What? Oh, apologies.
Lady in the house.
There it is.
What's wrong?
Catch any mice yet?
You know, every time you start feeling bad,
you just think about that little runt
tryna chew your finger off.
I didn't put water in it.
If you're gonna try that catch and release thing again,
make sure they don't get out
and chew through the seats in Dad's car.
Do you think I'm that stupid?
All right, kids, come on, play nice.
The young lady wants to pretend she's St. Francis,
let her pretend, come on.
Swap me.
Make sure you don't get any, uh, dirt on the pipe there.
It won't set right.
I know. Okay, got it, here.
Get it, get it. Okay.
You don't have to count.
I'm following the instructions, 30 seconds.
I- if it's set, it's set.
Just wait 'til it feels right.
Do you want this thing to start leaking again?
Whatever you say.
10, 11, 12, 13,
14, 15, 16, 17,
18, 19, 20,
21, 22, 23,
24, 25, 26,
27, 28, 29
and 30.
Let's go turn the water on.
Hold on, give me that, gimme that can.
Says to wait four hours
before you turn the water back on.
That'd be good in 20 minutes, I bet ya.
Ain't no PVC glue takes no four hours to dry.
You wanna stoop down in there and do all that work again?
Yeah, seeing as I'm the one who has to do all the work
and doesn't want water filling up that trench,
I say we wait the instructed amount of time.
What do you want me to do with this?
Ah, just put it back in the garage,
next to the paint can you used to ruin my hoodie.
Uh, I'm gonna take a nap.
Wake me up when that, uh, four hours is up, right?
Like I say, watch, watching you fumble around, exhausting.
- All right, sleep tight. - Yeah.
I don't think that's gonna work
without water, hun.
Shit!
Got you, one with nature,
but you forgot, nature doesn't play fair.
Please don't.
I, you and your father have been ganging up on me all day.
Look, I love that you two are getting along,
but I'm getting a little sick of it.
I was gonna get Abe's SUV
and go, um, get Max's kids' presents.
- Hm. - So?
Okay, yeah.
Do you think we could, uh,
stop on the way and get me a soda?
Dad offered me one earlier
and I've just been really craving it.
Not a can, like a biggie cup from the gas station?
I'm not gonna get cancer from one sippy drink.
Sippy drink?
I read a study that says carbonation
actually makes your bones brittle.
So you're gonna have a bad back just like your dad.
Show me an old man over 55 who doesn't have a bad back.
Fine, get yourself a soda,
maybe some beef jerky while you're at it.
You can enjoy your little dessert vacation
while you can, because once we have kids,
that's it, it's over.
Wow. That's what you're gonna be like when we have kids.
Okay, sweetie, whatever you say.
Don't say that either.
Don't say what?
Sweetie.
Your father calls me that all of the time
and it makes me nauseous.
You ready?
And so you gotta go around the beams
and then make like a U-turn to the right,
and then it'll be off in the corner there.
So like where you're standing?
Yep. Right about here.
Dammit.
You're gonna want some goggles too.
You still afraid of spiders?
I'm not particularly fond of them.
How about mice?
Yeah, you can't go in there on your knees.
You ain't tall enough.
I remember.
What?
Nothing.
- What? - Nothing!
Huh.
- Bless you! - Shut up!
Oh!
Shit.
Here we go.
Okay, I'm turning it on!
- Is it on? - Yeah!
- Okay. Wait there. - What?
Well, if there's a leak,
you're gonna have to crawl back in and turn it off.
Wait a minute. I'll look at it.
I was just thinking, might wanna
take that mouse trap bucket thing of yours
over to the shed.
I don't want 'em getting into my, uh, chicken feed.
Ah, where's Isaac?
Oh, he's under the house somewhere,
waiting for me to tell him there's no leaks.
Good. Leave him there.
You know, it's gonna be nice
having everybody over this year.
I can't remember last time that happened.
Dad, where are you?
How about lights?
Yes, y- y- yellow jackets,
that's just what some folks call the yellow wasps.
But I think that is actually the term for them,
ones that live underground.
We don't get many of those around here,
but, uh, but technically they're all wasps.
But the hornets, now hornets are bigger
and they also, their abdomens are shaped different.
Like on a wasp, the, the, the top of their abdomen
is, is rounded.
But on a, on a hornet, straight line.
Tania!
Wow, how do you know so much?
Oh, I just got a couple extra trips
around the sun on ya there, sweetheart.
And I may have, uh, dabbled in beekeeping here and there.
Don't you dare!
Isaac!
What?
Looks good!
Good!
- Okay? - Yeah.
You are covered in all sorts of crap.
You think?
The pipe looks good though.
Nice and dry.
Took you that long to figure that out?
Well, I had to make sure.
You didn't wanna go crawling
back in there again, did you?
The cumulative amount of time
I would've spent re-fixing that pipe would've been far less
than waiting on your dumb ass to tell me it was-
Hey! Hey, knock off the swearing.
Hey, you swear all the time.
Yeah, do as I say, not as I do, son.
That's what terrible parents always say.
Go and get cleaned up. We're done for now.
I gotta go fill in that hole.
Nah, leave it overnight.
And if it springs a leak, we'll see it in the morning.
Go on, get a shower.
What?
What do you want for dinner?
What?
I said, what do you want for dinner?
I'm gonna grab some.
Honey, we're gonna gain
20 pounds this week if we eat out every meal.
Well, do you wanna cook it?
Well, no.
Yeah, didn't think so. What do you want?
Whatever dad wants I'm fine with.
Abe said he wants fried chicken.
Okay, get some fried chicken.
- Isaac! - Just go.
You can have a bowl of coleslaw if you feel guilty.
There's mayonnaise in coleslaw!
Change your mind?
You don't have any beer?
Oh, I never was much of a drinker.
I always forget about the sunsets out here.
They're pretty back home too,
but there's something different about 'em out here.
Oh, hey, you remember my friend Scott?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
And why?
Well, Scott liked beer.
Scott liked beer a lot.
And when his wife died, Scott grew liking beer even more.
And Scott got so fat.
Really?
Oh, hell yeah.
Skinny Scott got, got so fat.
Why don't you have any kids, son?
Been married long enough, got a good job.
What's going on? You don't want any?
You c- you could always adopt, you know?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind having a little,
I don't know, African grandkid.
I, I'd love him just like I would anyone else.
We'll see.
Hey, where you going?
Check on that pipe one more time.
It's so much smaller than I remember.
I'll say it.
Dear God, thank you for this meal.
Please bless it to nourish us. Amen.
- Amen. - Amen.
Short prayer, right?
- Dad? - Isaac, no problem.
I'm just saying it's kinda short, that's all.
- And how's the salad? - It's good.
Gonna be explosive tonight, sweetheart.
Can we not say that?
Like I said, my manners ain't been too good
since there ain't been a woman in the house.
Too much gutter talk at the table.
You're right. I'm sorry, sweetie.
No. That.
Tania!
Isaac!
What?
Sweetie. Can you stop calling me that?
Or sweetheart or any other form of derogatory speech?
- Derogatory? - Yes, derogatory.
Sweetheart?
It's belittling.
I- I- I don't understand.
It's, it's a different world, Dad.
So w- what, is it like sexist now
to, to call somebody a nice name like sweetheart?
It's belittling.
Well, what am I supposed to call you?
He's an old man. Just leave him alone.
You could call me by my name for starters.
Old man?
You, you know, it is just like you Californians
to take a kindhearted term of affection
and turn it into some kinda pejorative.
That also.
Can you please stop insulting my state?
Will your state's citizens
stop being an insult to my country?
It's not 1940 anymore.
I don't wanna be called sexist pet names.
Pet names are for pets.
I'm not a pet. Do you understand me?
Yeah. Yeah, I understand ya.
Jesus, is that time of the month or something?
What's with everybody?
- Dad! - Cannot believe this.
- Oh my God. - What?
I- I use a, a, a term of affection
for my daughter-in-law here and I'm the bad guy?
What, you ain't gonna talk to me now?
Just gonna cry in your salad.
No one's crying.
No one's crying, Dad.
Well, you could be crying
in some delicious fried chicken right about now.
I don't eat chicken.
I don't eat any animal product of any kind.
Honey!
Isaac, watch it.
That's a pet name. Derogatory.
I'm vegan, Abe. Oh!
And guess what, so is your son.
We're both vegans,
but he's too scared to be honest with you,
so in spite of his beliefs,
he's eating fried chicken with you.
Hey, we talked about this.
God, Isaac, be honest!
Christ, be honest.
You haven't seen your father in years
and you think he expects you not to change at all.
We're vegan.
We are health conscious and against cruelty to animals.
You know, that's the problem with you vegans.
What?
You think I'm not.
You eat meat, don't you?
I do. And I eat eggs too.
But look at my chickens out there.
That is the Taj Mahal of chicken coops.
Ain't nobody live better than they do.
And there's not any rooster out there right now,
so w- w- when I pick up their eggs,
it's not like I'm taking their babies or nothing.
They produce 'em on their own and I eat 'em.
And in return, I treat them like queens.
If I gotta kill a rooster or something, I make it quick.
I don't let 'em suffer.
You know why?
Because I, too, am against cruelty to animals.
You are eating fried chicken.
Fried chicken from chickens bred on a farm,
bred to be so fat they can't even walk.
Well, you didn't want one of my chickens.
I don't want any chickens!
There are so many things to eat besides meat!
You didn't have any stomach problems today, did you?
No, I didn't.
Because someone had to lie about their beliefs
and I had to go along with it.
That's not what I believe.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
I'm a vegan because you are a vegan.
And I've tried desperately
to avoid these stupid conversations,
so I went along with it.
But you have that jumbled in your mind now
and you think that I bought into your new age bullshit!
- But I never did. - Don't swear at the table.
You said you feel better when you eat vegan.
Of course I feel better when I eat vegan.
How, shit, how can you not feel better
when you're eating that many vegetables?
Do not swear at this table!
Weren't you just talking about explosive diarrhea
a second ago?
I don't care. I got a rule.
I'm a vegan because with you veganism is more convenient.
That's it. That's all.
But guess what?
When I go to lunch with the guys at work,
sometimes I'm not a vegan.
You are being such an asshole.
Yeah, sure, I'm being an asshole.
You just yelled at me to be honest!
Well, you know what?
Sometimes honesty isn't so nice!
The diet is not the only fad of yours
that drives me nuts, trust me.
While you're on your soapbox right now,
why don't you just start listing off
all of the problems you have with me?
Hey, it's been a long day.
We, we don't need to do this right now.
I'm not going to. I'm done.
Well, I'm not.
You guys can make snide little comments all you want,
but the second it comes to real talk,
you tuck your tail between your legs and run.
You didn't talk to your own father for years
because you wanted to avoid one uncomfortable conversation.
You had an image to uphold.
You wanted to keep appearances.
You just can't have a single chink in your armor.
Yeah, well thank you
for waving our dirty laundry in front of my father.
I really appreciate that.
What the hell is she talking about?
Nothing, Dad, it's fine.
It's not fine.
If it was fine, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
What are you talking about?
Go ahead.
What?
Go ahead.
What?
No.
If you don't tell him, I will.
God, can't you just leave it?
We're here, aren't we?
I'm here! I took work off to be here!
We're eating dinner together and you're ruining it!
He suspects something. Just tell him.
Why are you pushing me to do this right now?
Because I love you.
Well, then I don't really have a choice.
Abe, the reason
your son couldn't make it to your wife's funeral-
Tania, stop it!
He wasn't stuck in the mountains in China.
Don't do this!
He was in the Pacific-
He was in the Pacific Palisades,
touring the house of a big rockstar.
And he didn't have the nerve to tell him
that he needed to fly out and be with his family.
That his mother's funeral was more important
than this stupid beach house mansion
with gold records on the wall.
He couldn't be a man.
Not in front of a big celebrity, he couldn't.
Son, is this true?
I didn't want him to go.
We almost got divorced after that fight.
But eventually he came around
and he felt bad about it for years.
He hasn't talked to you since.
Nor did he expect a call from you.
Tell me you didn't.
Dad, I'm so sorry.
Who was it?
What?
The celebrity?
Robert Trujillo.
He's a bass player.
Are you never gonna talk to me again?
Ain't like we ever talked much before.
Dad, I thought it was a, an important opportunity.
And what about your mother?
What about that opportunity?
What about the opportunity to, to grieve with your family?
I didn't raise you to be so selfish.
Selfish?
If I was selfish, I would've told you already.
I was trying to protect your feelings.
If you weren't selfish,
you would've come home for your mother's funeral.
Doesn't matter what's going on in your career.
Nothing, and I mean it, son,
nothing's more important than your family.
Dad, it's,
it's more complicated than that.
No, it isn't.
Don't let any of those soulless LA freaks
tell you any different.
Yeah, well, it's not like you tried
that hard to get ahold of me!
Shows how much you care about family.
Hello?
Oh, good, good.
That's perfect.
You not gonna stay in a hotel tonight?
I thought you'd be packing.
Did you want me to?
No.
I don't think we'll be welcome back again though.
Not that I blame him.
This was supposed to end happily, remember?
You know, one stupid mistake
shouldn't break apart a whole family.
What the hell was that?
It was probably just Abe getting some soda.
What?
I said it was probably Abe just getting some soda.
Does your dad have a cat?
My dad hates cats.
- What if they found? - Shh!
Are you calling the police?
No, you call the police.
- Who you calling? - I'm calling my dad.
Come on, pick up.
I thought you were gonna call the police.
What if it's nothing? I don't know.
This is Abraham. Leave a message.
Make it funny. I might call you back.
I still hear footsteps.
Why didn't he pick up?
Why do you think he didn't pick up?
Then again, he still doesn't have caller ID.
Maybe he's asleep.
How could someone fall asleep
with the phone ringing like that?
I don't know. Stop asking stupid questions.
- What the? - Get out there!
You get out there.
That is not my job.
Fine, you want me to be a man? I'll be a man.
What are you doing?
No!
Yes.
No! I got pepper spray in my purse.
Why don't you get your pepper spray
and go out there and see what happens?
What if they have guns?
What if it's nothing?
What if it's Max dressed as Santa Claus,
he's putting presents under the tree?
Well, if it looks like Santa Claus, I won't shoot.
I think I'm having a panic attack.
Stop it! You're giving me one.
Oh, please be careful.
Wait!
We still love each other, right?
I guess.
Good enough. Go ahead.
Oh, hi, we have an emergency.
Shit!
What they take?
I don't know. I didn't have time to look.
Not my TV.
Well, looks like they got the big present
for Max's kids too.
Is it safe?
Yeah. Come on in.
Did you call the cops finally?
Well, they're on their way.
Oh, my back.
You didn't shoot anyone, did you?
No.
You would've heard it.
You been surrounded
by a bunch of liberals, does for you.
I hate guns.
You put install locks on that list.
Yeah. Get another dog.
Hold me, you idiot.
You know, I was robbed once
when I first moved out to the big city.
Working on finishing my graduate degree,
I was living in that, that crappy little apartment.
Some tweaker came in the window.
He took my computer and my guitar.
At least you got your stuff back.
Of course, it's not really the stuff getting taken
that's scary, it's more the feeling of vulnerability.
Why did you never tell your, your mom and me about this?
I guess I just didn't wanna worry you.
When was the last time you mopped?
Oh, hell, I don't remember.
You know, I'm glad they didn't put a crack in the TV.
That would've been a real tragedy.
Hey, Dad?
Yeah.
I'm sorry that I didn't come to Mom's funeral.
The truth is, I.
The truth is, I couldn't stand to be here.
I- I couldn't stand to be here without her.
I thought that if I,
if I just stayed busy,
kept living my life,
if I didn't
acknowledge that she was, you know,
that she was gone,
thought it would be easier.
We all make mistakes, kid.
I've had plenty of time to think about mine.
I should have called.
I know we don't really say this in our family,
but I.
I love you too, son.
Come on! Ooh!
Should we tell him?
It would make his day a lot better.
Nah, let's keep with the plan.
Save it for Christmas Eve when everyone's here.
Mm.
Taj Mahal of chicken coops, my ass!
Ooh.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you.
What?
- Dad gave me a gun. - Not funny.
- It's true. - Not funny.
No one's joking.
You know that hillbilly thing I said?
Yeah, I don't want that version of you back.
Well, he's coming back, whether you like it or not.
Where'd that MAGA sweatshirt go? It's chilly out.
- You are- - I don't know
if it was that phone call
or another one that came later,
but at some point my father was informed
that a curious intern had noticed something odd
about the x-rays taken before his back surgery.
After some tests, my father was diagnosed
with a terminal cancer.
He lived just long enough
to be able to hold his newborn grandson.
He didn't ever wanna let him go,
but eventually he had no choice.
Sorry, I'm coming.
I just got distracted.
It's okay.
He was getting fussy, so I just put him down on the bed.
And Max hasn't even gotten the truck yet,
so we've got some time.
What are we gonna do with his chickens?
I don't know.
I think your father's gonna have us eat them
in his honor or something.
Do you remember when you were vegan?
I still am.
I often wonder how long someone can be vegan
and not realize gelatin is an animal product.
Shut up.
Where you going?
Check on my son.
Hm!
I love you.