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Tonight on an all new episode
of "Juvenile Lockdown,"
Kyle Kulanski looks like your average American 12-year-old.
Nice house, loving parents.
But is he really the preteen from hell?
Find out tonight on "Juvenile Lockdown."
It was love at first sight for nurse Tracy Kulanski
and Pastor Shelby White,
a beautiful young family that appears to have it all,
but appearances can be deceptive.
When I first saw Tracy, my heart stopped.
When I saw her, I knew the Lord had put her on this earth
just for Shelby.
Shelby is so sweet.
He kept asking me out, and I kept saying no,
but you know, the Lord has his ways.
I said, Sweet Pea, I've got everything covered.
I'll pay for everything. Shelby has got this.
The name Shelby White
may sound familiar to some of you
as this end of days pastor
stirred up controversy last spring
when a recruitment video leaked
showing Mr. White brandishing firearms
and seemingly encouraging violent action
against the government.
When the rebirth begins and the sodomite stooges
of the secular government come clawing at your door,
you're gonna show them what it means
to be an apostle of the rebirth.
I have no comment.
But could it be that a devoted man of God
could be living with the son of Satan?
You've been on that thing all day.
Move your big old butt, chubby.
Alright. No games.
All right. How about no games at all?
The disobedience, the rude tongue.
The boy's just outta control.
He's 12. You were a little prick at 12 too.
Don't make excuses for the boy. The boy needs discipline.
He won't even eat his meats.
Oh, no.
Not the buckets. No, no.
Can you see it? You got the face in?
Okay. Yeah.
We got the boy on the Pastor Shelby White all meat diet.
Give him the fuel he needs for the new world.
You can buy this at pastorshelbywhite.com.
Again, that's pastorshelbywhite.com.
Oh.
No.
But where does all of this hatred come from?
Kyle's a sensitive little boy.
I mean, he was really well behaved.
He kind of started acting up
after my idiot ex got locked up.
Terry Miller.
That guy is a piece of work.
you, Terry Miller.
And who is Terry Miller?
Should I be talking right into this?
Or can you hear me all right?
Terry Miller, former stepdad,
current American patriot,
imprisoned for crimes I did not commit.
Terry Miller is currently serving 15 years
after being convicted of a variety of crimes
stemming from a Christmas Eve crime spree
wherein he abducted Kyle from his home
in a stolen City of Flint Police Cruiser.
Oh, I gave that little bastard
the best damn Christmas he ever had.
I met Terry in high school.
He moved up here from Florida.
We dated on and off and partied,
which led to a drunken shotgun wedding.
Terry's about as big of a dumb ass as you can imagine.
Oh, yeah. We're in love.
Big time. Always have been.
I mean, we're meant to be together.
She's my little tape worm.
Me and Terry get back together? No, no.
Absolutely not. No, no.
I would eat mayo out of buckets during the post apocalypse
with Shelby, but I would absolutely, no, no.
Terry and I? No, no.
No. - You mark my words.
As soon as I'm out here,
as soon as I'm acquitted of these crimes,
which I did not commit,
first thing I'm doing is I'm marching right over
to Tracy's front steps.
I'm getting down on my knees,
and I'm gonna ask her to make me an honest man.
Again.
And I'm gonna do it right this time, too.
I'm gonna do the whole step daddy thing and everything.
Terry Miller will never be my stepdad again.
He's pretty much the worst person in the world.
Oh, that boy. He's a jokester.
He probably gets a sense of humor from me.
I've been writing the governor and the president
in trying to get them to get Terry executed,
but they told me that's not how it works,
and they told my mom that I had to stop.
He said what?
Little bastard. He does love me though.
It's no wonder that Kyle's the way he is
with a man like Terry in his life.
What he needs is a constant positive male role model
in his life.
And I wanna be that man.
I wanna be that man in your life.
Shelby. No.
So on TV.
Shelby, stop. Stop.
Will you join my hand in marriage?
And bathe in the eternal rebirth of salvation?
Yes.
Yes, yes.
I couldn't think of anything
that would make me happier than that.
Yes. - Yes.
I'm so happy.
Oh my god. This is perfect.
We're getting married
and we'll be doing it on pastorshelbywhite.com.
Join us.
All right. And I want you to show this to her too.
Make sure she sees this.
Tracy, as soon as I'm outta here,
I swear to you, I'm gonna do right by you this time.
I'm a new man, changed man.
And I'm gonna teach Kyle how to be a man too.
I'm gonna do the whole thing.
I'll take him fishing,
Learn, teach him how to water ski.
I don't even know.
You didn't hear?
She's engaged to get married.
Wait, what?
Her boyfriend Shelby proposed when we were shooting the show.
Shelby?
What'd she say?
She said yeah.
When's the wedding?
Can Kyle clean up his act
before he ends up just like terrible Terry Miller?
Kyle's family and the producers have set up a trip
for Kyle to see what his life may turn into
if he continues to misbehave.
You see, Kyle want to disobey his parents
and he's gonna see where that gets him.
We got a little meet and greet set up for him.
Some of our biggest assholes.
Scare the shit out of him.
It's gonna be a good day. Real good day.
You go to church?
No.
I don't know if you believe in God or not,
but you might wanna pray to whoever it is
that can save your sorry ass.
Let's go.
See, I'm the king in here.
This prison inside these walls? My house.
I am the HNIC in here.
Don't you try to say that? Only I can say that.
You can get in trouble for that, but I own this.
My house.
Terry?
Kyle, what are you doing?
Shut your mouth, convict.
Yeah. Shut up, Terry.
What are you doing here, bud?
I told you to shut up. I don't be on the show anyway.
Line it up, convict.
You heard the man.
Line it up, convict.
I really didn't know you were gonna be here today, bud.
Oh my god. I can't believe it worked.
- I can't believe it worked here. - There's a man.
I'm a free man, Kyle. What are you talking about?
There's a man.
We better buckle up Miss Daisy.
Woo.
♪ Cocaine stepdad ♪
Okay. It's right up here.
All right. We gotta ditch this ride.
It's too hot.
Get out of the car.
You get too.
Kyle. Come on Kyle.
Move your ass, man.
Stop pushing me.
I shouldn't have to push you.
You should be able to just move your body.
- Get upstairs. - Stop.
Can I help you, gentlemen?
Oh shit.
Does Benny not live here anymore?
Oh, you're some of Benny's friends. You come on in.
Oh my God. Come on.
Sweetheart. Some of your friends are here.
Sweetheart.
I told you not to bother me when I'm working on my novel.
Holy crap, Terry. I missed you, man.
Hey, that's my favorite little dude, Kyle.
Remember your Uncle Benny, buddy?
Remember me?
You're big.
What? They let you out early?
Yeah. No, not exactly.
Kyle, get up.
Who the hell is this?
Benny, listen. I went rabbit, okay.
I broke out. I took Kyle with me.
I accidentally kidnapped this guy, and I need your help.
You need me to kill him?
No.
Kyle, get up.
That's awesome that you broke out, man.
This is exactly what I would've done.
Can I get you boys anything?
It looks like you worked up a sweat.
Could you go for some lemonade?
We're fine, Bethany. Thank you.
Okay, sweetheart.
Well, if you boys need anything, you just let me know.
Yep.
Get up.
Sorry man. I know she's annoying as hell.
Benny. Listen, man.
Is my shit still in the garage?
Yeah, dude. Exactly how you left it.
She tried to put her kid's bike in there.
I'm like, you bitch,
that's for my best friend Terry's stuff.
Don't touch it.
Jesus man.
Well listen. I need to go back out there.
Do you still got that old Buick?
Can I, can I just borrow it?
I'll get it back to you spic and span.
Not a scratch on it. Honest engine.
Of course you can. Anything for my brother.
I'll go get the car keys.
The garage is unlocked. I'll meet you out there.
Get up.
You're coming. Ow, my fucking tit.
Alright.
Go to the left. Garage you to the left.
- Stop. - Just keep moving.
Fuck.
Go. Straight back there.
Jeez.
Come on over here, boy. Alright.
Woo. Here's the deal.
That Pastor Shelby motherfucker Tracy is not marrying,
and we are breaking them up.
Okay? New boys, you're coming with.
Gimme your phone and your wallet.
Hey, and listen.
Benny was joking about that whole
killing you thing back there.
As long as you don't do anything stupid
like trying to run off or, you know,
trying to tattle on me, you won't have an issue.
And don't worry about that.
I'm gonna pay for the whole thing when I'm rich.
And check this out.
Once we get there,
you're gonna edit together a little movie for Tracy.
Show her what a good stepdad I've been
to this little fucking bastard over here.
You ruined my life, Terry. I hate you.
Oh, all right. You all right.
He's just joking. We're just playing.
We're just playing.
I hate you.
I'm on the run now because you're an idiot.
We're just playing.
We're just playing around, Tracy.
He's using what I taught him,
he's doing exactly what I would do.
I'm going kill ya.
I'll kill ya, you stupid idiot.
Oh, I got.
I hate you.
Oh, I got you now, you little bastard.
I hate you.
You going to... Hey. Hey.
You gonna behave yourself now? Are you gonna calm down?
Are you sure? I don't know if I believe you.
Alright. Oh.
It's lucky I'm not his real daddy.
Oh, I'd have him bent over my knee right now.
I'm sorry, Terry. I didn't mean to act up.
I'll go to my mom's with you. I promise.
It's all right. It didn't even hurt.
And I was taking it easy on him too.
Now, if I let you out of there, you gonna behave yourself?
I promise. Terry. I'll be good.
I love you Papa.
We're actually making
a lot of really good progress already.
You know, it's called tough love, but it works.
Let's get this thing up right here.
A lot of parents nowadays are too pussy to hit their kids,
but I'm telling you, it does work.
Doesn't matter.
Jesus Christ, buddy.
Fuck. Oh my God.
Wait, no, no, no. What the hell?
Put that down. Come on, are you kidding me?
Fuck. Goddamn.
That little bastard was gonna hit me
with a fucking bowling pin.
I'm gonna get you this time.
He trying to rip my head off.
He's trying to rip my head off.
Asshole.
That's what I thought.
You know what this is, you little prick?
It's a laser gun.
It's a flare gun, motherfucker.
And it'll throw a phosphorus around
through your skeleton at 105 fucking thousand miles an hour.
Now sit your ass down.
Sit your fucking ass down.
Fuck.
And so you must really want your mom
to marry this guy then, don't you?
No. I hate Shelby.
Then why don't you help me break them up?
'Cause I hate you too.
Hate's a strong word, Kyle. I'm not that bad.
Yeah, remember when you got us kicked outta Burger King
'cause you fought that guy?
That guy was an asshole.
Sometimes assholes need to be fought.
Or what about that time that you flipped the Trans Am
'cause you were drunk driving with me?
No, I was not drunk driving. I was not drunk driving.
I had a bottle of vodka in the car.
It broke open when the Trans Am rolled
and the cops didn't wanna listen to my side of the story.
What about that time that you got arrested on Christmas
and you went to prison and you left me and my mom alone
and then Shelby came along and now my life's horrible
'cause you weren't around to help me?
Yeah, I guess I did bone that one up.
You're horrible and I hate you.
Wait a minute.
Is this why you were on that kid jail TV show anyway?
'Cause you miss me so bad you're acting out being a bad boy?
Because that is a little bit flattering.
No, it's 'cause Shelby made me.
Shelby made you do the show
and your mom didn't have anything to say about it?
She didn't want me to, but he said if I didn't do it,
he was gonna kick us on the street,
and we're gonna live in a garbage place like you.
And he probably just doesn't even want me
going to the wedding.
I don't wanna go to it anyway.
But you know when the wedding is?
It's Saturday.
And you know where the wedding is?
It's his big stupid house in Oscoda.
Man, then why don't you want to go to the wedding
and get Shelby's face and tell him, ugh?
What's that?
It means, up yours, Shelby. Fuck you, Shelby.
Fuck you, Shelby.
- Yeah. Fuck you, Shelby. - Fuck you, Shelby.
- Yeah. - Yeah. Fuck you, Terry.
Hey. Alright man.
Chill out.
I'll go with you,
but you're not gonna be my friend,
and you're not gonna be my stepdad again.
I can work with that. Let me get my shit.
Woo.
Let's hit the road, boy. Come on.
Alright. She's parked right around the corner.
Let's hit the road, boys. You drive.
Benny, what are you doing, man?
What do you mean?
I'm excited to hit the road with you guys.
We're gonna be like three caballeros.
I can't take you with us on this one, brother.
I'm sorry.
Why not?
I'm trying to get Tracy back, man.
That's what this is about.
You're trying to get back with Tracy?
That's what this is about?
Yeah.
I wanna prove to her that I can be the man she thought I was.
I wanna be a family man. I wanna do it right this time.
Family man? You're already a free man.
You saw what I deal with in there.
Domesticated life is hell for guys like us.
We were meant to be great men.
You know, great men like us,
more great men have had their ambitions curtailed
and their dreams denied by the words "I love you"
than any prison ever erected by man.
Women are like bugs in the jungle, man.
They lure you in with their thick thoraxes
and then they drag you in their sharp arms
and eat your head off slowly every day.
They just needle at you. You don't get a moment to yourself.
It's always, Benny, what do you want for supper?
Benny, what bills do you need paying?
Come to bed with me, Benny. Make love to me.
I try to tell her, babe, I'm like a T. rex.
I don't want to be fed beaver. I wanna hunt for it.
Jesus Christ, man.
Benny, you're not being cool right now, brother.
Shit, I'm sorry. I thought I was being cool.
- Hello, boys? - God.
Hey. - Now I know you boys
said you weren't thirsty,
but a little bit of fresh squeezed lemonade
never hurt anybody.
Oh my God.
Thanks babe.
Wow, you were thirsty.
Yeah, everyone gets thirsty. It's not a big deal.
Alright, jokester.
Well, if you need anything else, just let me know.
Nothing's too good for my sweet Ben.
I'll let you know. Love of my life.
Well, I mean, I'm pretty sure the cops
are gonna be coming through here soon, man.
So I think we gotta go.
You sure I can't come with you?
Yeah, I'm sorry, brother.
Alright. I understand.
Can you just do one thing for me before you go?
Of course, brother. Anything.
Kill me.
Take that flare gun. Shoot me in the eye.
Hey, hey, hey. Alright.
Hey, hey.
We gotta go. Kyle, come on.
Be careful what you wish for, Terry.
This isn't the life you want.
Get in the car, Kyle.
You ready to hit the fucking road, boys?
Seatbelt. Where's your seatbelt.
Put your seatbelt on.
You mind listening to some tunes?
Anything's better than listening to you breathe, man.
You mean little bastard. But check it out.
Rock and roll. The real deal.
Take a listen. You might learn something.
♪ I caught this guy's evil eye the other night. ♪
What is this?
You like this?
Real rock & roll, dude. Listen and learn.
This is not rock and roll.
♪ You gonna pay the price ♪
Ew.
♪ See, I'm monastic ♪
♪ I'm fired up ♪
What? Turn it off.
How do you turn it off?
♪ I don't play by the rules ♪
Is that you? Is that your voice?
♪ You wanna play that game with me ♪
Yeah.
You ruin music. You ruined it.
I'm gonna run this thing into a fucking ditch.
I hate this.
Why?
♪ My blood is made from rock and roll ♪
♪ I need a blood transfusion. ♪
♪ My blood is made from rock and roll ♪
♪ Got a fire in my soul and that fires rock and roll ♪
♪ My blood is made from rock and roll ♪
♪ And what are we gonna do with that fire, boys ♪
♪ My blood is made from rock and roll ♪
♪ This is what goes out to the love of my life ♪
♪ Tracy Kulanski ♪
♪ I'm sorry, but I still know how to rock ♪
♪ Sometimes I rock a little too hard for her ♪
♪ But that's fine ♪
♪ She's gonna love this when she hears it ♪
You are passing the motel, Terry.
Man, chill out. We're going behind.
You can't be parked.
Settle down. All right.
I'm parking behind the motel.
- What? - You can't have the car
on the street, all right?
Okay.
Well just give me a bedtime and I'm fine.
Yeah, see, it's not too shabby.
I mean, he's probably just,
he's just playing around, probably.
Whoa.
Alright, well listen. You go in and get us a room.
Let me give you my, give you some cash here.
Get us a hotel room.
You gotta go in with me.
All right, let's go.
Oh my god, Terry.
Well, it ain't the Ritz Carlton Banks,
but it ain't half bad.
Oh, it stinks.
Yeah, it's just a little bit of dog.
Don't worry about it. Take a load off.
Woo.
Get a little bit of rest.
'cause tomorrow we are getting up bright and early
and we are hitting the old dusty trail.
Shouldn't we eat something?
Man? You're hungry?
You're already ate earlier today, I bet.
We need energy to keep going
so our bodies don't starve.
Well just, just, just, just
lay down and go to sleep
and we'll get some breakfast in the morning.
Okay, Terry.
Then you can explain to my mom why your son's a skeleton.
I'm gonna starve and I'm gonna be a skeleton.
Oh. Oh.
What is that?
Hunger pains.
Hunger pains?
Oh, you probably just got to shit. Go shit.
Oh, I'm hungry, Terry.
Fine. I'll just starve to death.
Oh my God. Alright, fine.
Fuck it. I'll just go get you some food.
So I don't have to listen to you bitch, bitch, bitch
all day and night.
Are you a busy person always on the go?
Flummoxed by all those syllables?
Here at the House of Contractuals, you can stress for less.
A great array of punctuation light combos.
Should not.
I just don't have the time for that.
Well, I do believe one of our proprietaries
should set you straight.
T'was? More like t'wasn't.
Will not. Can't.
Will not.
It was probably just a ghost.
All these places have have twin ghosts
because of all the carnage that happens here,
there's a lot of ghosts in the walls.
I've just gotta remember
that there's ghosts in all these places.
Hotels, more.
Motels were kind of just like a few.
Closer to pick a haunted place and not even ask
because legally they have to tell you if it's haunted.
What the fuck?
You trying to home alone with that?
What'd you get me?
Well, they didn't have a restaurant,
so I had to hit the vending machine.
You took long enough. There's two ghosts outside.
Two ghosts outside?
Yeah.
You know ghosts aren't real Kyle, right?
There's a ghost of two twins outside,
and I saw them and they were looking at me.
Two ghosts of two twins haunting an old hotel, huh?
Someone's been watching a little too many movies.
You weren't here.
Oh, hell. Slumber party.
You told me to get some sleep.
Well, that's before I, that's before I got excited.
I told you you shouldn't eat sugar.
Just walk it off.
Go lay down, you stupid fat ass.
Oh baby got sick.
Do you smell that?
The baby made a stinky.
Time to change the baby.
Hot dog heaven.
Cooked greased hell.
Cooked ground beef.
And Pastor Shelby's Mayo.
That's 60 days of meat right there
for you and your family.
What an incredible deal, Pastor Shelby.
And it says clearly in black and white in the Bible
that the end is coming and the rebirth is new.
And a man still has to provide for his family.
Mm-hmm.
And we have it all.
We have greased ham, ground beef.
And my personal favorite, hot dog heaven.
Now my boys love the hot dog heaven, Pastor Shelby.
We eat it every night.
Well, you raised some smart boys.
Hot dog heaven is delicious, it's nutritious,
and it's available on pastorshelbywhite.com.
I wanna remind all those watching
that salvation is just a click away.
Pastorshelbywhite.com.
How'd you sleep last night, Sport?
Horrible.
What you mean, horrible? Those beds were comfortable.
There was ghosts in the walls.
It was haunted.
Everywhere there was pounding on all the walls.
All right. There's no ghost in the walls.
Yes there was.
Terry.
Terry, did you, did you kill him?
I did not kill anybody.
Did you kill him?
Listen, I don't know what the fuck is going on here, but-
- Did I kill him? - Kyle, settle down.
All right. Neither of us killed this guy.
Okay? Chill out.
Something fucked up with... sh.
Oh, we gotta get the fuck outta here.
We gotta ditch the car. We gotta get the fuck outta here.
I gotta get something out of the car.
Terry, what are you doing? What's so important?
I gotta get something outta the car.
No, Terry, come on. We gotta go.
What are you doing?
- My tape? - Your pop song?
We got to get the fuck outta here. Now.
- Shit. - Oh no. No, no.
This ain't good, dude. This, this ain't fucking good.
Terry.
We're busted. What do we do?
We didn't fucking do that.
What if I slept killed? Oh God.
I don't know what the fuck's is going on here.
Take us in, and take you down to the barber.
Genesee County 911?
I'm outside the Motor Inn
and I saw a guy hiding a dead body in his car.
It was the guy from Prison Escape.
I'm the one that's talking.
It was the guy from the news.
Terry Miller.
There was a little boy helping him.
knock it off.
What is your name, sir?
I, I'm just a concerned citizen.
Just send someone quick, please.
What if more cops come? We gotta go.
We gotta get the fuck out.
We gotta get the fuck outta here.
Let's go.
Terry, stop here for a minute.
There no cops. Check here.
Lemme catch my breath.
Terry, what's going on?
Man, I don't know.
We were set up for something.
I told you the motel was haunted.
What? We weren't set up by ghosts, Kyle.
Damn.
Actually, Terry, there's a lot of things
that ghosts can do that you don't understand.
Let me catch my, let me just,
let me catch my breath for a minute.
All right. Jesus.
Well, what are we gonna do?
We can't take Benny's car anymore.
We're gonna have to hoof it for a bit.
What?
Walk. We're gonna have to walk.
No.
What do you mean? No?
We'll stay off the main roads. We'll follow the North Star.
No.
We just gotta keep heading north.
No.
♪ Roll done me a roll ♪
Okay, dude.
You ever been camping?
I'm not going in there. What?
You ever been camping?
No. I don't wanna do that.
There's gonna be snakes in here.
You complain about the entire,
where do you think we're gonna go?
Fuck.
Oh.
Ah.
Terry.
You can't sleep there.
I'm not sleeping here.
Fuck.
Terry, get up.
I hate camping.
Why are we going camping then?
'Cause we need a place to stop for the night.
Oh my gosh.
How long is it gonna take us to get there tomorrow? How?
I don't have all the numbers.
If people want everything now all dictated.
All I know is we just have to keep heading north.
Due North. Right there, the north.
We're just following the North Star setting right now.
Tomorrow when it's up again,
we will be able to follow it and keep moving.
Terry, that's west.
Kyle. I think I know what the North Star is.
What?
The North Star sets in the north
or else why would it be called the North Star?
- Do you think... - Dingus.
Do you think that the sun is the North Star, Terry?
Kyle, the sun is a star.
Well, listen, we get up tomorrow
and we'll keep heading that way.
And then I don't know when we'll get there,
but I'll tell you what...
It's 67 hours walking distance.
To where?
To the wedding.
To Oscoda?
From here. From here.
How did that happen?
You're walking the wrong way.
The map was telling us to go the wrong way. All right.
67. That's all right.
It's fine. We'll get 'em tomorrow.
That's about half a day's walk, days walk tops.
We'll get you a little bit of Dairy Queen.
What you think a half day is? Six, seven hours.
It's puberty.
This kids got so many hormones bubbling up inside of him.
He'll get mad at me. Listen, everybody makes mistakes.
Everybody has those days, but I think he is
just a little bit overreacting.
My heart's beating very fast. And I just need a second.
My blood pressure's very high.
My stress levels are high.
And sometimes I just need to decompress
and have a second to myself.
And it's very hard to do sometimes
when you have a big buffoon idiot, redneck, butt hole
controlling everything.
What's that?
I have no fucking idea.
- Terry. - Where's my flare gun?
It's not dry.
Well give it a rest. I'll get this thing going.
And then who knows? Maybe I'll find some hot dogs.
You love hot dogs?
I do.
We gotta get this fucking fire started. All right.
I think the fire might keep it away, Terry.
Secret weapon.
Keep this in mind when you're trying to start a fire.
What is it? What?
Bod Man body spray for guys.
It's actually the same stuff that Calvin Klein uses.
The same company makes this,
that makes the Calvin Klein stuff, but it's a lot cheaper.
Don't breathe it in.
You sprayed it towards me.
Yeah. That's not my fault.
- Whoa. - See?
Oh gosh.
It's just what you smell like all the time, but a lot.
Shit's coming out.
Go on, Terry.
It smells so bad.
I'm doing it. It smell like a castaway.
With Tom Hank.
All right, we gotta get this thing.
Fuck this baby toys.
And the Lord said, let there be light.
Smell that?
That's definitely Bod Man.
As you can see, we got the fire going,
which wasn't a problem at all
for an experienced woodsman like me.
And I'm gonna show Kyle
what a proper outdoor cooking meal is.
Unfortunately, I don't have any food.
But here's a little tip for you.
Most of the dollar stores out here,
when they get rid of their food,
they just throw in the dumpster
and it's completely free, and it's still good.
- I got a three course meal. - Bagels?
Not quite bagels, but I got some delicious bread.
It's a little bit over.
You just cut rid of the pieces
that are a little bit miscolored.
But we'll be able to make some sandwiches
outta that right there.
I got pork and beans. One of your favorites.
He likes to eat all the pork and beans.
Pretend that he's in the Dennis the Menace movie.
It's a little bit smashed, but otherwise it's totally good.
And for the main course
we got ourselves chicken cutlets.
Oh, open with a cigarette?
It's just a cigarette butt.
Oh, give me a break. You eat cigarette butts every day.
You know when you're sleeping, you swallow
five to seven cigarette butts every night?
That is not true.
Oh, Terry. No.
Oh no. Terry.
That... I don't think that's sanitary.
Crisp it up a little bit here.
Oh, Terry. No.
I don't want it to taste like you.
It's not gonna taste like me. It burns right off.
It just crisps it up.
Ah.
I don't think this is the way to do it.
This is exactly how the pioneers used to do it.
Fuck.
On a cologne soaked log?
I think I just want to eat my beans.
Where's the gun?
Alright, let's eat. Let's just eat.
Let's not think about that.
We're gonna think about our delicious chicken sandwiches.
Oh yeah. I think this one's done.
This one's definitely done.
Terry. I don't want your dirty chicken.
I just want get my beans open.
It's not dirt chicken.
And besides, dirt's got a lot of protein.
Ah.
Ah, fuck.
Fuck. Ah, fuck.
That's good.
A little bit pink in the middle. Just the way I like it.
This one's gonna be mine.
Oh, gimme the fucking can.
Terry, no. You're gonna waste it.
Oh, you ruin everything.
That is still closed.
And they say nothing made in America's good anymore.
That is an incredible product.
Wow.
Well, I tell you what, we'll bake it old style,
and we'll get it out of there once it pops.
It'll pop when it's done.
How did you say you wanted yours done?
Well.
Well, it's done.
Ooh.
Looks like a shark tooth.
Ah.
Well, the beans are just about done.
How bad do you want the beans?
Honestly? Do you really need 'em?
I'm mad at 'em now, Terry.
Let's get rid of them.
Fucking piece of shit beans.
The reason they were thrown away.
I got hot bean juice in my eye.
Terry.
It's a monster.
It was nothing. All right.
Just go to bed.
Go to bed.
Outdoor living.
- Terry. - Alright.
Okay. Get back to back.
Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.
I'm sorry.
Terry.
- Terry. - Yeah.
We gotta get up. We gotta go.
Okay, we gotta go.
I'm not walking anymore.
And no more sleeping in the woods.
Okay.
We're getting a car.
Man. I still have a beer.
Come on.
Terry wants, we're trying to get a car
and instead of going to a car lot, he just wants to,
I know he is gonna try to take it
'cause he doesn't have the manners
to just go and buy one like a normal person.
And now we're here at this junk house.
- Hey. - What?
I need you to go to the door, knock.
If they answer, tell 'em you gotta take a big shit.
I don't have to take a big poop. It's a normal one.
- What? - It's a normal one.
No, you're not taking a shit.
You just have to ask them if they're in there
so we can take it.
We're trying to figure out if they're home. All right.
You see this baby? You wanna right away in this?
Or you wanna keep walking?
I knew you were gonna try to do a stupid thing.
Just go tell 'em you gotta take a big shit.
I don't have to take a big one.
- No one here. - Huh?
- No one here. - Oh yeah.
There's no one here.
Look out.
What?
Do you love me?
No.
Sure about that?
Alright.
What we got here is a tip, Kyle.
I need you to pay attention.
And Tracy, I want you to watch this.
This is, it may be summer,
but school's still in session for you, young man.
Because we are gonna learn something important today.
Something about cars,
something your generation might not know about.
And that is how to properly start a car
if you don't have the keys for it.
A lot of people call it hot wiring.
Turns out it's very easy to do.
All you gotta do is there's one cable down there,
and then there's another cable down there.
You just touch 'em together
and the car's gonna start right up.
Doesn't even make any sense.
All right.
Easy.
Now...
doesn't look like there's actually any wires under there.
All right?
Sometimes you gotta go in from a
slightly different angle.
Mm-hmm.
A wire.
This is what was trying to tell you all.
We found one of them.
We just gotta find one more.
I don't think you know what you're doing.
Kyle.
Does it really look like I don't know what I'm doing?
Oh. Oh, no.
Now we've done most of the difficult work.
We've got a lot of, we got one wire here,
which is great.
Terry. Stop.
Do you want me, do you wanna drive?
Look at that.
Fuck.
Terry.
We can do, we can just go rent a car or something.
No, I've got it. I've done this a million times.
It's really not that difficult.
Where's the other fucking wire?
I rubbed like a million wires together.
You know, Kyle gets upset when I try and teach him
these, like, man to man lessons.
But he'll know when he is older that these are some of the,
when you look back and you get a little older,
you look back
and these are some of the most important moments.
- Hey, Terry. - That you could... what?
You dropped your beer.
You little fucker. You little.
We are almost there, bud.
Oh, I think I got 'em.
Terry, this doesn't make any sense.
This has taken way too long. We've been here forever.
All he cares about is himself.
It's constant, constant, constant.
Get home to your mom.
So it is all about him.
It's not about me getting home to my mom.
It's all about him.
Terry.
- What? - What'd you do?
Terry?
Of course, of course. It's all about him.
Are you taking a nap now?
Terry.
What?
Terry.
Kyle, stop it.
What? What is happening?
I saw him, Kyle.
Stop.
No. Kyle.
Why are you so sweaty?
I saw him. Kyle.
Terry.
You're so wet.
I saw Jesus.
- Jesus? - I saw him.
I'm gonna bless you.
Terry.
Oh, I hate taking care of you.
I'm a changed man.
Get up.
I will not be... from this hence forth,
I will be dedicating my life to godliness and holiness
in all his ways.
He lies.
I swear to God, I really saw him up there.
I can't believe it. It was Jesus Christ and everything.
It was all white. He was there shirtless.
Looking great.
I, I tell you what,
I'm, I'm, I'm not committing any more crimes.
From this day forward,
Terry Miller is living in the Lord's light.
You'll not see me in jail doing any more of that.
That monkey business.
And Kyle, are you done yet? Hurry up.
Will you give me a minute?
It's hot.
I tell you. No more crimes.
Oh yeah.
Yo.
Sweet.
Woo.
Okay, run in here and get me a drink.
Can I get a drink?
As long as it's not too expensive
than your fucking belly washer shit
with the Spider-Man on it.
I like belly washers.
Ooh, we're gonna bottom 'em out here.
Ooh.
All right. Get me something big, like a big drink.
Something with a big old bottle so that when I finish it,
I can, you know, I can, I can piss in it.
We don't gotta stop.
Okay.
Oh, you been holding that one?
Go with him to make sure he doesn't get abducted.
Thank you. Have a good night.
Terry. We gotta go.
- Terry. - What are you
- freaking out about? - Look, look at that.
Ah shit. That ain't good.
It says wanted for murder.
Wanted for murder and... Oh shit.
That's probably from that fucking body
they fucking stashed in the car.
Most likely.
Oh my God.
What? What?
- Is there something else? - Is that supposed to be me?
Yes.
Oh my God. What did they do to me?
Look at those lines under my eyes.
I don't have those lines under my eyes. That's horrible.
Who the? This man looks like he's been through crap.
You? Look at me.
Look at me. What is that?
And what?
That doesn't look anything like me.
That looks exactly like you.
What are you talking about?
Terry?
That looks exactly like you. What are you saying?
It doesn't look like me.
Maybe the cheeks are a little bit more full on here.
But that looks... look at me.
I don't wanna hear about you whining. Look at this shit.
- Oh my God. - We gotta go, Terry.
This is horrible. Who made these?
I'm gonna call them and... I'm gonna call them.
- Gimme your phone. - Don't call. Don't call.
- Well, this is not okay. - This is not okay.
We're wanted for murder.
Whatever. Let's fucking go.
Get it out. You can't keep it there.
Fucking baby. Where are the wires?
This car smells horrible.
It smells fine.
It smells like your dirty farts.
Your dirty gas station taco farts.
Trying to bully me is what you're trying to do.
But it's not gonna work.
You're trying to bully me. It is not gonna work.
You'd better fucking watch it.
You look dirty greaser.
You look like Craterface from Grease.
Oh my God.
I do not look like Craterface from Grease.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
That is bullshit.
Actually, I'm fucking pissed off now.
Take it. Take it back to the camera.
Officially take it back.
Look at the camera and take it back officially.
I don't have to.
Take it back officially to the camera.
I don't look like fucking Craterface.
Oh my God.
His face all potted up. He looks like shit.
I don't look like that.
Stop smiling. Take it back to the camera.
I'm not, you want me to run it into...
You want me to run into oncoming traffic? Kill us both?
Kill all fucking three of us?
Protect my side of the car. Maybe just kill you two.
Apologize. Apologize.
Take it to the camera.
- Take it back. - Terry.
Take it back to the camera. No, take it.
Take it back.
'Cause I don't look like Craterface.
I don't fucking look like Craterface.
Take it back.
I take it back. I'm sorry, Terry.
All right.
Well spelling involved. There's your sign.
There's your sign. You might be a redneck.
Those are great jokes that never get old.
Honestly. Anybody from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
Except, except Larry the Cable Guy.
Larry the Cable Guy is a sellout.
He did like 50 Cars movies.
He's a fucking sellout, as far as I'm concerned.
He left all those other boys
and didn't even make another Blue Collar Comedy Tour movie
when they all could have easily have done it.
- Can we stop? - And Ron White
probably needs the money.
- Who else? - Can we put on music?
Is that okay?
I'm trying to teach you about real comedy.
You like your YouTubers, your fucking Minecraft and stuff.
Those guys are not funny.
Well, maybe we can find something good
- to listen to on radio. - Okay. God.
Fine. Turn on the radio.
I'm rolling the window down.
The manhunt continues
for escaped convict Terry Miller
now believed to be traveling with his ex stepson
- Kyle Kulanski. - They're talking about us.
- The pair are now wanted. - They're talking about us.
For the death of the Genesee County man
on Tuesday morning.
An anonymous tipster report Terry and Kyle at the Motor Inn,
disposing of the man.
You're stupid. So stupid.
I'm not gonna listen to dumb crap.
Hey, hey. What are you doing with that?
You not doing this. Put that down.
Oh no. Gimme the fucking tape.
I'm so sick of it.
- Oh my God. - That's what you deserve.
That was my only copy of that tape.
That was my only fucking copy of that tape, Kyle.
I had to go record that at the mall.
You think I'm gonna be going to the mall anytime soon?
Oh my God. We're getting out.
You're fucking calling for it.
- Pull in someone's driveway. - Well, you're looking for it.
He's gotta be annoying all the time.
Maybe I wouldn't have done it if you wasn't so annoying.
And stopped bothering me.
All I did was... now just wasted our own time.
I don't even wanna talk to you right now.
Then don't talk.
I'm not.
If you don't wanna talk, then don't say anything.
Oh.
- What is wrong right now? - I've got to pee pee.
Why the fuck would you just say you had to pee?
Why you grabbing your dick like you got fucking cock cancer?
Yes. Goddamn.
Fine. We'll fucking pull in.
- I've got to pee, Terry. - Just make it fucking quick.
I've got to pee.
What are you doing?
- I'm not gonna pee here. - Go pee.
I don't want you to pee into the car.
I want you to go outside and pee.
I'm not. What if they see?
- What if they see me? - Who?
The people in the house.
You think they're looking out their window
looking for a little boy's prick?
Just get out and go pee. We don't have time for this.
We gotta get moving, bud.
Go pee. Just get out.
You got to come with me.
What do you want me to come with you?
You want me to hold it and shake it off for you?
You gotta make sure nobody gets me.
What if I get raped and murdered?
You're not getting,
neither of those things are gonna happen to you.
Fine, fine. I'll go along.
But if I, you gotta tell my mom that I was raped and killed
because you wouldn't come with me.
- What if I get raped? - Let's go. I'm going.
Are you going yet or what?
I can't. The cars can see me.
What? They're not looking.
- Jesus, dude. Just go. - What if a cop comes?
A cop?
If a cop comes then I have two problems.
Well, let's go.
Let's go find a place where Kyle can go pee pee.
I got it - This isn't how
I want to spend my afternoon.
It's too loud, Terry.
Too loud.
Damn, dude. Hurry it up.
Fucking piss already.
You gotta get back to the car.
- I can't. - What do you mean you can't?
I can't be in public here.
- Stop. - This is public? Man.
- Oh my god, dude. - When you talking,
- it won't come. - Oh, car coming.
- Oh no. - Oh. Hurry it up.
Or they'll see your ding-a-ling, huh?
Nevermind. They're backing up.
You must have scared 'em away with your big hog.
Ew.
Dude. Just hurry up.
I'm fucking baking out here.
- Dude, stop. - I'm not good for this climate.
You can't pee when I talk either?
- No. - Do you want me to squeeze you?
Squeeze the pee outta you?
- Squeeze me? - Yeah, dude. Just give you...
uh oh, it might be security, actually.
You better hurry it up.
- Security? - I don't know, man.
- They look fucking weird. - Terry.
Hey. That's the dude from the poster.
Come on. We gotta run.
Kyle. Run.
Go, go, go. Go behind the tree.
Move behind. Keep going.
Stay down. Get behind.
Move, Kyle. Get down, get down.
Get behind me. Get behind me.
Oh. You know these guys?
They're from the motel.
- Wait. They're ghosts? - Yes. They're ghosts.
Those are clearly real people, Kyle.
Those are not ghosts.
I didn't know they're real guys.
What do they want?
We gotta go.
If we move behind the tree,
they're gonna shoot us right now.
Let me think for a second, all right?
Just stay behind me. Stay behind the tree.
Behind you.
He's out. Run.
Go, go, go.
Fucking run. Holy shit.
Hey, a fucking machine gun. A big machine gun.
Where the fuck did they get a machine gun? I don't know.
We're over here. Come on.
Go, go, go. Get to the car.
Holy shit. Oh fuck.
The cops are gonna be here.
Fuck. We gotta get the hell out of here.
Come on.
Come on, Terry.
Shit. What the fuck was that about?
I don't know.
Those are the fucking guys who you saw at the fucking motel?
Ghosts from the motel.
Oh my fucking God. What they trying to?
Holy shit.
They're trying to kill us, Terry.
I think we're good. I think we're good.
Oh my God. I, I gotta take a big shit.
I gotta take a big stretch.
- I'm gonna cry. - Alright.
You cry. We'll pull over.
You cry. I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take a shit.
Okay.
Terry.
- Terry, Terry. - What?
There's a fair, a Ferris wheel.
There's a Ferris wheel.
I've never been there. Can we go to the fair?
Look at it. Look how big it is.
Kyle, please shut up, Kyle. Shut up.
Alright. Okay, we're gonna stop.
We'll stop at the carnival. Alright?
- Yes. - Damn.
But we're only stopping because carnivals mean carnies.
And carnies mean cocaine.
Okay, dude. Diabetes.
I'm out of my diabetes medicine.
I need to stop here and buy some.
I get to go to the fair.
You are gonna take me to the fair
because you are the adult, I'm the boy
and you can do whatever I tell you to tonight.
All I wanted to do was eat corn dogs and go on rides.
But instead, we had to just walk around all day
looking for his stupid medicine.
Only Terry can make a carnival not fun.
I wish his diabetes was so bad
they had to cut his legs off.
- The full fucking carnival. - Will you knock it off?
You are me pissing off, Kyle. Alright.
I'm already agitated enough
they don't have my fucking diabetes medicine.
I need a little focus.
I want a corn dog.
You got a hot dog. You don't get everything you want.
I like the...
What the fuck was that?
Oh, you fucked up. You just fucked up.
I don't know who the fuck you are.
I'm about to kick your ass.
I want you... Kyle, leave.
I don't want you to have to see this.
Keep rolling. I want to see it all.
Kill him.
I'm not gonna kill him. I'm just gonna kick-
- Kill him. Kill him. - Me?
Yeah. Die.
You better start fucking talking or start swinging.
I'm gonna kill your ass.
Fuck yeah.
Yeah, baby.
♪ I love you ♪
♪ More than I want to ♪
Wake up buddy. Wake up.
Hey, do you wanna be rich, Kyle?
And don't think, just answer.
Do you wanna be rich?
- No. Yes. - You wanna be rich?
♪ More than I wanted to ♪
That's why you're gonna invest in the new pizza restaurant
that Johnny Carson and I are opening.
And guess what? It's got a theme.
It ain't a regular pizza restaurant. It's got a theme.
The theme he made is the 1994 movie, my favorite film.
"Forest Gump."
- No. - Yes.
Pizza got legs.
♪ I love you ♪
♪ More than I wanted to ♪
It's not like bubblegum strip.
We don't even search her by the pizza.
No.
We need to know. We, I need,
it's not like you all need your money.
You get your birthday money. Just gimme here.
You can work up front at the restaurant.
You can kiss all the pretty girls.
You can put your hand in the tills.
Are you crying?
Stop.
You just said, I should die.
I was joking. We we're having a great time.
I was joking.
Johnny Carson, you thought he was actually gonna kill me.
- You were not joking. - Johnny Carson's our friend.
I thought he was our friend.
Where is he?
What's that?
Oh man. You don't want nothing to do with this.
- Is it water? - Uh-uh.
Water for your soul, maybe.
I want water for my soul. I'm telling.
Oh no. This is a dull water for the soul.
Okay, this is, make sure this one's rolling.
This is a special message for Mrs. Tracy.
Maybe, who knows, maybe Miss Tracy Miller
in the future sometime.
Kyle wanted to. I did not let him get the alcohol.
Are you fucking with me?
We should get a move. There's too many bugs around here.
Anyway, I guess.
Oh my God. There's a fucking spider on me.
Kyle. Oh my God.
Oh God. Shine the light on me.
There's a spider here.
Oh my God. Are you fucking kidding me, Kyle?
Well, that can't be good.
I'm teaching Kyle how to be hardcore.
Your teaching me to be hardcore?
Yeah. I'm teaching you to be hardcore.
Whoa.
What is this here?
Whoa. Is this open?
Cheap cold drinks? Right here.
Let's roll.
It's a drive through liquor store, my man.
You don't even gotta get out.
This is scary looking, Terry.
Your cheapest pint of vodka.
- And then... - We don't have liquor.
Oh, no liquor? You just got beer?
- Yep. - Okay. Let me get a six pack.
You got the big red gum?
For drunk driving.
Hold that. You're gonna need that for later.
Today is the day you learn a very important lesson.
You're gonna learn how to drive.
I can't drive, Terry.
Yeah, you can. You can drive.
- I can't. - Yeah, you can.
- It's no problem. - I'm a boy.
A lot of boys drive.
I don't know if I can, Terry.
Dude, you got this. Okay.
Hey, you had some of that liquid courage?
All right. That vodka.
Any, any self-respecting driver's educational instructor
will tell you to get a little couple of shots
of liquid courage.
You know, before you go.
You want a sip of my beer?
You can have a lot more of that and drive this than vodka.
In fact, you've had quite a bit of vodka.
Oh, it's cold. It was cold.
Yeah, it was good, isn't it?
It's cold and good.
All right. Now here's what you've gotta remember.
If you're able to drive this thing drunk,
you can do anything you want.
You can drive anything.
If you can drive this drunk,
you're not gonna have any problem driving this normally.
It's the, you ever see that movie "Dodgeball?"
It's the dodge ball. It's the dodge ball.
If you can dodge the ball, you can dodge the ball.
There you go. Let's fucking do it.
- Put it in the D. - Let's fucking do it.
- The D is in me. - Put it in the D
and fucking put the pedal to the metal.
Not actually, though. Don't, don't go too crazy.
Hell yeah. You're doing good, dude.
- No. - Hell yeah.
Don't hit that fucking shitter.
Alright. Don't hit the fucking, don't hit the...
Alright. Okay, okay.
I got it, Terry. I'm a good boy.
We're fucking doing it, dude. Not we.
- One more. - Yeah, dude.
Here. Here.
- Just watch out for that. - You can dodge a ball.
You can dodge a ball.
Yeah, dude, you're fucking killing it, dude.
Oh my God.
Sometimes there's bumps in life, Terry.
One handed, Terrence. One handed.
Alright, gimme the beer bag.
You going to fucking hog it all?
I saw a lamp flying. Hey, don't, don't show this.
- Show my mom. - No, don't show this.
My mom would love. I'm fast and furious.
I'm Paul Walker. You love Paul Walker.
I do, I do love. I do love Paul Walker.
You love Pork Rider.
Yeah. Well, what'd you fucking call?
Alright, I'm not gonna let that.
Let's take this picture on the highway.
Whoa. Yeah, let's get on the fucking railroad.
None of this pussy shit.
Take the training wheels off.
Woo.
Terry.
What's up, little dude?
I feel like, I feel like I need to tell you something.
Alright, tell me. Tell me what.
Nevermind.
Alright. I'm not gonna make you tell me.
If you want to talk, you can talk.
Okay. Maybe I'll, maybe I'll tell you.
Alright, man. What?
Tell me, little dude.
Terry. I'm sorry.
Fuck.
I'm so sorry.
It's all right. Let's go.
- I'm so sorry. - It's all right, dude.
Let's go. You just partied too hard.
You were the best at partying tonight.
- I'm so party. - How do you think I feel?
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't. No, no, no.
Go over there.
Over there.
There it is, Terry. Shelby's house.
Alright, follow my lead, kid. Let's do it to it.
Alright. Does he got any cameras or what?
No, but he's got a butt ton of guns.
Right?
Okay, here's the plan.
We get in there, we get your mama, and we get out.
All right. Our team on three.
- Team one. - What's our team name?
- The Raw Dogs. - Ew. What's a raw dog?
It's like a uncooked hot dog fresh out the pack.
Oh, I, I do like those.
All right. Raw Dogs on three.
1, 2, 3, Raw Dogs. Alright, we'll go now.
Keep low. Got to army crawl.
I'm not getting down on the ground.
Army crawl.
You wanna get yourself spotted? They'll shoot you.
I'm not gonna army crawl. It's like a million miles away.
It's not a million miles away, you baby.
We're just gonna walk normal for a little while
and then we get closer, we get down.
Come on, get down. Get down, get down.
We got guards at three o'clock.
Those are the, those are the pervert ghosts from the motel.
What? Oh my God.
Those are the same guys that tried to kill us the other day.
Holy crap.
Do you think they work for Shelby?
Yeah. I assume so.
And then, they're probably the same two guys
that killed that homeless guy and framed us for it.
That tracks.
I knew Shelby was behind this.
Goddammit. I hate being right all the time.
Alright, come on. Let's go.
Stay down. So much mayo.
Stay down. Stay down.
Stay clear.
It's locked.
Alright. Abort our mission.
We're gotta restrategize. The door's locked.
What do you want me to do?
I can't fucking try to kick it in.
My mom. She's right there.
My mom. She's walking right by.
Okay. Alright, follow me.
We're gonna go the other door.
But stay down and stay quiet.
Shh.
What do you mean?
Just shut the fuck up.
Shh.
I'm being quiet.
Shut up.
It's open.
He can afford this on a pastor's salary?
We gotta be quiet in here.
I'm in the wrong line of work.
Hey, Kyle. Check it out.
Terry. We've got to shut up.
You think mine got lost in the mail?
- Shut up. - All right. Okay.
Come on. I don't know where the fuck I'm going.
It's just like "Cops."
Mom. Mom.
Kyle.
Oh my God, Kyle, you're okay.
You're alive. I'm so sorry.
I saw everything on the news about the prison.
I'm sorry we made you do that show.
It's okay.
Me and Terry had to walk a thousand miles to get here.
Howdy little lady.
You son of a bitch. What the fuck were you thinking?
He's 12 years old.
Oh, she's still... Tracy, the subscriber numbers
for the wedding are terrible.
I'm gonna need you to come in and help make a video
for the website.
Hey, surprise, motherfucker.
Get your hands up.
Fuck you, Shelby.
Yeah. Fuck you, Shelby.
- Terry. - That's right.
What's going on here, Tracy?
I don't know.
Terry just showed up and he brought Kyle home.
Oh, your lover boy in here knows damn well
what's going on?
Why don't you tell her, Pastor Shelby?
Terry, you're not making any sense. Are you on drugs?
I fucking wish I was on drugs.
He tried to have us killed.
Terry. What are you talking about?
It's true, mom.
He, he put a body in our car, and I saw a dead body.
And then he had two big perverts shoot us with machine guns.
Perverts with machine guns. What the fuck, Shelby?
He's brainwashed.
And look at the man. He's unwell.
Hey, fuck you, bud.
You're lucky I don't put this flare right between your eyes.
Do it, Terry. I want to see it.
Shelby, you better start talking.
Oh, he doesn't have to say a thing.
We got the whole thing on camera here. Isn't that right?
It took you guys long enough.
Terry, drop the gun.
- Fuck. - Fuck.
You break that, you owe me a hundred bucks, by the way.
Tracy, get over here.
Fuck you, Shelby.
Yeah. Fuck you, Shelby.
Tracy. I said, get over here.
You get your hands off of her. Hands off of her, Shelby.
Pipe it down.
I already had a sinus headache today,
and this isn't helping.
And for the record, I was only gonna kill Terry,
and just frame Kyle for murder.
The wedding goes on.
Grab the wedding dress. Put it in the truck.
What do you want us to do with them?
Lock Kyle up. We'll figure it out after the wedding.
And the other two?
Shoot 'em both, but do it in the cellar.
We don't wanna make a mess.
Kyle.
This is just great.
So you gonna take me up and then shoot me?
All right. There you go, Junior.
Oh my God. You know, you guys really suck.
Like as far as twins go.
You know who some cool twins were?
The fab motorcycle twins
from the Guinness Book of World Records.
Those guys were awesome.
Who else is cool? Matrix twins.
Even the Olson twins are cooler than you guys.
Oh, now I got to watch you die?
Man. Why do you care?
I'm the one dying.
You better not get your stupid brains all over me.
Oh, like that's really gonna be that biggest problem
for me when I'm dead.
Yeah, I hope you're dead. I hope you die.
Oh. Oh. Thank you, Kyle.
That's so nice of you.
- You know what? - You see this?
I hope you get this on camera.
How about I come over there and I punch you to death?
Tie him up.
Oh my God. Punch me to death.
I'm gonna punch you to death.
That's great. That's... Alright. Here we go.
Any last words?
Yeah. How about suck my fat one.
Get up. Get up.
Here. Woods.
Turn, turn, turn.
In the woods. Go here.
Holy shit. We did it, dude.
We did it, dude. We did it.
- We fucked him up. - I bit his nose off.
You did. You bit his nose off.
Are you, were you okay?
I've never felt so more alive in my life, Terry.
What do we do now?
What do you think we're gonna do?
We're gonna go there tomorrow.
We're gonna break up that fucking wedding.
- Check this out. - Fuck yeah.
- Got this little guy here. - Fuck yeah.
You'll plug that into your little TikTok phone.
We'll be there in no time.
Huh? That's fine.
But we gotta have a plan this time.
Well, what'd you have in mind, smart guy.
I think I can think of something.
♪ One two three four ♪
Whole milk.
A little bit of lemon extract.
You know what that does, Kyle? When you mix it together?
Huh?
- Chunks it all up. - Chunks it?
Not that gross. Angle it down.
No, no, the other way down.
It's, it's full.
Hey Kyle.
Beat it.
I want do it.
Alright. Okay.
Alright. Stop, stop, stop.
Cut this.
Welcome, welcome.
Good to see you all. Thank you for coming.
Welcome. Thank you for coming.
Hey, I thought you said there was a bunch of RSVPs?
Yeah. On Facebook.
But this is all who came.
How many people are on the livestream?
27.
207?
No, no. 27.
We gotta hold off on going live.
Shelby. It's live now.
Oh, crud. Okay.
Welcome and blessings to all the disciples
and children of the rebirth that have joined us here
on this most holy and historic of days.
The wedding of Mr. And Mrs. Pastor Shelby White.
Now I can tell y'all I've been losing sleep all week
waiting for this beautiful day.
And now joined here with me
is maybe the only person more excited than me
for this event.
Mr. Pastor Shelby White himself.
Thank you so much, Sheryl.
Well, the folks wanna know, how do you feel today?
I tell you what, I am all butterflies right now.
I am so excited to share the love between me and Tracy
in the light of the Lord with all of my followers.
You folks better get your tissues ready,
'cause I have a feeling this wedding
is gonna pull on all of our heart strings.
I know I've got mine.
And everybody at home.
Make sure to share on your social media
and spread the word of the rebirth.
On pastorshelbywhite.com.
It's important that the shepherd always is prepared
to protect his flock.
Get down. Get down.
Okay, remember. It's just like we planned it.
We get into position, we wait until they bring Tracy out.
Then I get down there and do my thing.
And then when I give you the signal,
I spray Shelby with my hot milk.
Oh Jesus. Dude.
- Don't call it that. - What?
It sounds. Just... don't worry about it, okay?
Let's just, let's get out there. All right, let's get in.
- Hey kid. - Yeah?
It's been good working with you.
You too, da... Terry.
What was that?
What? What?
Did you just call me dad?
No, I called you Dave.
'Cause you look like Dave Thomas,
the big fat guy from Wendy's.
I mean, it sounded like you, sounded like-
Let's just, let's do it. Just go.
All right, here we go. All right.
Raw Dogs on 3.1, 2, 3, Raw Dogs.
Let's rock and roll.
What a freak show.
Hey, check it out. There's Tracy.
You look beautiful today, Tracy.
This is a special day for you.
Oh yeah.
Being walked down the aisle at gunpoint
to marry an impotent fucking psychopath.
Alright, give it a rest.
No cursing.
Let's get this thing going.
I am a little surprised
that she decided to wear white though.
Bitch, I can hear you.
Don't think I won't beat your nasty slack jawed ass
on a live stream.
Alright. Zip it, lock it, put in your pocket.
Okay.
Fellow disciples of the rebirth,
we're gathered here today to join the beautiful union
of Mr. Pastor Shelby White and Tracy Kulanski
in holy matrimony.
Mr. Pastor Shelby White said it best
when he said that a man with no family is...
Sir, are you alright?
Okay, let's just go.
What in tarnation?
- Surprise. - Who is that?
What the fuck?
Terry? You're alive.
And kicking, baby.
Well, Terry Miller.
- Don't you move. - Sorry.
I'm surprised to see you here.
I was assured that you would not be making it today.
Hey, Shelby, fuck you.
You tried to have me killed. You fucking suck.
Don't you curse. This is a live stream.
I don't want it to be taken down.
Ah, let's see. Fuck, ass, tit, shit, ass.
Hey.
That's your last warning.
What are you gonna do? You can't kill me on live TV.
Tracy, listen. Alright.
I might not be Mr. Perfect holy man like this guy here.
Okay?
I might have screwed up a few times when we were together.
I did get us kicked out of a few Applebee's,
and yeah, I did spend our rent money
trying to win a samurai sword at the county fair.
And sure, I did get drunk
and crashed a Trans Am into a Burger King.
And... what that, oh, wait.
But listen, I'm not gonna do that stuff anymore. Okay?
I love you, Tracy. You're my little tape worm.
And I love Kyle too. All right?
I love you both, and I never wanna
let you guys go again, okay?
I want to be the best step daddy since Jesus's step daddy.
The, the guy who got cucked by God. All right?
I want us to be smiles every day, okay? Like this.
I should have practiced this.
What?
Terry, what you doing?
What's wrong?
Is it... what's wrong?
Is that got a spider on me?
Somebody take a picture and show me what it looks like.
I haven't been able to look at it.
Terry. You know I don't wanna marry this limp dick, right?
Wait, really?
Tracy.
She's just putting on a show, folks.
You brought me here at gunpoint.
I, I didn't really get a say in that.
Oh yeah, that's right. I, I did see that, actually.
That makes sense.
Terry Miller, you are such a dumb ass.
Probably one of the most stupid fucking people
I've ever met.
But you know, then again.
Oh, I am so goddamn in love with you.
What was that? You love me?
She loves me. You hear that, Shelby?
Fuck you, Shelby. She loves me and my shit's still work.
This has turned out to be a really good day for me.
- You know what, Terry? - What's that? Huh?
- F you. - Oh, F me, huh?
Oh, here we go. You better put some grass under him.
- Come on here. - Better not touch my face.
I got photos.
You better not touch my face. I look really good today.
What do we got here?
Look at this here. Want some sausage?
No, I got some.
Oh, missed me. Missed me.
Now you gotta kiss me. Now you gotta kiss me, Shelby.
Oh, what have we got here? Mayo?
Charley horse. Wait, wait.
Time out, man. Time out.
I got a Charley horse, dude.
- Damn. - There's no timeout.
Oh, I said time out.
Cut the live stream.
- Kyle. - How? How do I do that?
- Hit the button on the side. - I said time out.
- Did you do it? - Yeah, I did it.
- Kyle. - All right, good.
I don't want them to see this.
Want to know what I think of a man like you, Terry Miller?
No, man. Not really.
Kyle.
When I first met a woman like Tracy
and heard she went out with a boy like you,
I thought to myself...
Man, Kyle, what the fuck?
Drop your weapons. Get on the ground.
Fuck.
What the fuck is happening?
Holy shit. We gotta get the fuck outta here.
Let's cheese it. Come on.
Go, go, go, go.
Come on.
Help me.
Ma'am, are you okay?
Burn in Hell, dude.
You get in the back. Here.
Get in.
Come on, Terry. Hurry.
I'm trying. I'm gas.
- You okay? - Yeah. What's up, mama?
Hey, Terry, hit the fucking road.
Are they behind us? Check?
You see him?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I think we are in the clear officially.
- Yeah. - Woo.
Fuck you, Johnny Law.
You come for me. You lose every fucking time.
- We did it. - We fucking did it.
Get in here.
Oh, fuck. All right, I need a second.
'Cause my heart's going to fucking explode.
Just gimme a second.
- You did good Terry. - Thanks bud.
You did good too.
Okay.
Now what?
Well, I say we hit the road, head south of the border.
- Ohio. - Yeah.
They can't touch us there.
Okay, but we're stopping for a drink
'cause I'm gonna need one.
Yeah. Me too.
One vodka please.
He's just joking, Tracy.
Okay, the kid's just joking.
No, no. I had a whole vodka, Mom.
Wait, you guys shut up.
No, Terry, I'd love to hear
about my 12-year-old son drinking alcohol.
Wait, shut the fuck up everybody.
Helicopter. Helicopter.
Terry. Go.
D13037.
We have suspects facing westbound on the Stand road
in a white station wagon.
Move your ass, Terry.
Move your big fat ass.
Hey, I'm trying.
Tracy, in the seat back pocket, reach back there.
There's a small bag. It's my medicine.
I just need a little bit.
Rub the two red wires together.
I'm trying. This piece of shit doesn't want to get moving.
Goddammit. Every fucking time I need it to go.
Come on.
Goddammit, Terry.
I just need a little bit. I just need a little bit.
They're gonna get us. We've got to get that.
Come on, come on, come on.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Terry, take your medicine.
Come on.
Oh shit.
Calling westbound standing choppers
1023.
8927 radio.
Suspect heading west on Stand Road toward Mac Vehicles.
A late model station wagon.
They're gaining on us.
Your big ass is weighing us down.
Hey, my big ass is not weighing us down.
My ass has nothing to do
with how fast this car is moving.
- Move your fat ass. - Why didn't you
move it faster?
♪ You pay the price ♪
♪ See I'm nasty ♪
They're still closing because of your big ass.
Hey, knock the ass off.
♪ Away or there'll be hell to pay ♪
♪ My blood is made from rock and roll ♪
♪ Come on let's go ♪
Fuck. They're still down on me, dude.
No.
Goddammit.
We're going to have to ditch the car.
We're ditching the car.
- No. - No.
One second. Stop.
Just get outta the car. Go.
♪ My blood is made from rock and roll ♪
♪ Got a fire in my soul and the fire is rock and roll ♪
♪ My blood is made from rock and roll ♪
♪ What are we gonna do without that fire, boys ♪
♪ My blood is made from rock and roll ♪
All right, shit. Don't fucking shoot us.
Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
Jesus. Why are cops always fucking screaming?
You're right in front of me. I can fucking hear you.
Shit.
Put your hands on your head and get down on the ground.
Damn it, Terry. Just listen to him.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do what you want me to do.
All right. Just let me say my piece.
Constitution says I get to do a speech for the camera
before I go to jail.
Okay.
Fuck, man.
Tracy, Kyle, before they lock my ass back up again,
I just wanna let you both know that...
No, I don't have a gun. I clearly do not have a gun.
No. Terry.
Holy shit. Did you see that?
No.
They lit that dude up.
Holy shit. Oh, that was fucking crazy.
He shot that guy like a hundred times.
Dang. That's awesome.
How do you like the eggs?
Mixed up.
Okay.
Yeah, things have been pretty crazy around here
the last few months,
but things are starting to settle down.
You know, with everything with Terry,
we were able to afford this nice house
and Kyle's doing really well in school, which is great.
We're hoping he actually passes the third grade this year.
So things are looking up.
Mom said if I get all A's, we can go on vacation,
and I can get a jet ski.
I wanna be on the jet ski.
We're going on vacation.
First one in about 10 years.
We're going to Cancun, Mexico.
Thanks to Terry's settlement,
we were actually able to afford it.
So thank you Uncle Sam.
Police shot Terry all up and there's blood everywhere
and they got it all on camera
and the judge said they couldn't do anything about it
because Terry didn't have a gun.
Now they owe us $3 million.
And believe me, we're gonna put this money to good use
when I'm laying out on the beach
with the biggest fucking margarita in my hands of all time.
It's gonna be a good time.
And I'm on a jet ski.
We're gonna have to get you lessons first.
I don't need lessons, mom.
I've drunk drove. I can drive anything.
Are you all packed?
Yes.
Well, let me see.
They shot me nine times, like Mr. 50 Cent,
and I was able to sue the feds for $3 million
on top of the $700,000 they had to spend
to keep my dumb ass alive when I was in the hospital.
Courtesy of the wonderful taxpayers
of our beautiful country of ours,
I've been able to support Kyle and Tracy easily.
Like any good family man should.
Hell, they even got me one of them fancy,
non-court appointed lawyers
that are getting me transferred
to one of them federal prisons as we speak.
Clear for transfer inmate Terry Miller
at the moment.
Looks like it came through.
See you around, Hondo.
♪ Grab my keys ♪
♪ Brush my teeth ♪
♪ Dust off my clothes ♪
♪ But don't slam the Dodge to the Trans Am ♪
♪ Come on, let's roll ♪
♪ It's a Friday night got the feeling ♪
♪ In my soul ♪
♪ Let the guitar do all the talking ♪
♪ Don't you know ♪
♪ Ain't no room for guys like me these days ♪
♪ But I'll never change my ways ♪
♪ My blood is made from rock and roll ♪
♪ Darkest skies, even light ♪
♪ The other night ♪
♪ Keep giving me that attitude ♪
♪ And pay the price ♪
♪ See I'm nasty and fired up now ♪
♪ I don't play by the rules ♪
♪ You want to play that game with me ♪
♪ Bound to lose ♪
♪ I said stay out of my way ♪
♪ Or there will be hell to pay ♪
♪ My blood is made from rock and roll ♪
♪ Rock and roll ♪
♪ My blood is made from rock and roll ♪