(whimsical music)
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(whimsical music continues)
(chorus vocalizing) (whimsical music continues)
(chorus continues vocalizing) (whimsical music continues)
(suspenseful music)
(whimsical music)
- Howard!
- Hey, babe.
(lips smack)
- Oh, well, you seem like you're in a hurry.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Holly.
I have so much to do and so little time to do it.
- Oh, I know.
I just got these new Christmas decorations
in the St. Nick of time,
and we have those dinner plans.
- Dinner plans? - Yeah.
We're supposed to have Christmas Eve dinner
with your parents.
- What? When's that?
- The day before Christmas.
- Aw, babe. I forgot.
I can't.
- You can't?
This was supposed to be, when I meet your family.
We've been going out for eight months
and we still haven't met them.
- I know, I know.
But the guys and I just discovered
that the beach cabin we like to rent
is dirt cheap next week for some reason.
We leave tomorrow and we come back New Year's,
and it's only gonna cost as much as a weekend trip.
- You know how much this meant to me.
You promised.
- I know, but it's just Christmas.
Time with the guys is special. (tense music)
It's the only time we get to de-stress and relax.
(tense music)
- You can't relax with me?
- You know what I mean?
Besides, the trip is fully paid for
and it's non-refundable.
You wouldn't wanna do that to me, would you?
Look, when I get back,
I'll take you to meet my family.
I promise. (ominous music)
(Holly groans)
(Howard gasps, groans) (ominous music)
(Holly yells)
(Howard coughs)
- [Howard] No!
- You don't like Christmas?
Well, I guess it's curtains for Christmas.
(Howard yelling) (Christmas bells chiming)
(ominous music)
(blood gurgling)
(ominous music) (knife squelching)
(ominous music continues) (knife continues squelching)
- Oh!
(ominous music fades)
(tense music)
(gentle music)
(gentle music continues)
- Oh, I'm sorry, miss.
- No, it's okay. (chuckles)
- Well, you definitely have great taste.
I can't help myself
when something exceptionally beautiful catches my eye.
- Oh. (nervously laughs)
I guess I can't blame you for that. (laughing)
- Are you also getting one as a gift for your boyfriend?
- Oh, no. (laughs)
I don't have a boyfriend.
I just, I really love Christmas,
and I thought this would look perfect on my tree.
It reminds me of my late mother.
- It reminds me of my late father.
Christmas time helps me feel closer to him.
His old memories by the fire,
opening presents
and boy, didn't know how to make a fruit cake.
Oh (laughing).
I'm sorry. I'm just rambling on.
- No, it's okay.
I'm Noelle.
(gentle music)
- [Kris] I'm Kris.
- Would you like to grab some Chinese food?
- Absolutely.
- It's so beautiful.
What a perfect man.
- [Dominick] This bundle of tropes is perfect?
- What the fuck are you?
- I'm a mental construct
to help ya deal with stress.
I'm a personification of your dead father
who always gave you advice with a visual
inspired by your favorite Christmas movie.
So I'm a rat.
- What's your name?
- Dominick.
- Okay!
This is not the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me.
- I know.
- You do?
- I am your own mind. So, yeah.
- Right.
- So a fictional man
written in the laziest way possible
for a quick buck of advertising revenue is perfection?
I think therapy should be on your Christmas list.
- Look, I know he's not a real person.
Kris is more like a caricature.
But real men do exist like that.
I've run into them in real life.
- They're real, then?
Not just you imprinting
an entire personality on a stranger?
- No, I know they're not as perfect as a movie character.
I'm not crazy.
- Sure.
- I just wanna meet someone who loves Christmas
as much as I do.
He doesn't have to love everything about the season,
but he needs to see why it's so special
'cause then maybe he'll see what's so special about me
and treat me right.
And I deserve that.
- That, I do agree on.
You deserve to be treated right,
but ya chase love too quick.
You're trying to fill a hole
because of losing your family too young.
But this isn't the way.
- You know, I don't have to ask Santa for therapy now.
- I'm just saying what you already know deep down.
You're a good person.
Well...
Mostly.
- That's fair.
(suspenseful music)
Oh, shit.
Now I really do need curtains for Christmas.
(whimsical Christmas music)
(whimsical Christmas music continues)
- Oh, oh, excuse me, miss.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
- Oh, we have the same taste.
That was absolutely my fault, though.
I'm still sorry.
I should have been paying attention
that you were also reaching for it.
I just can't help myself when I see something I like.
- Especially when you see something exceptionally beautiful?
- What?
- Oh, that was weird. Sorry.
It's a line in a movie I just watched.
- Oh. Oh, okay, I get it.
- You've seen "A Cheesy Christmas?"
- I haven't seen that one.
But I quote movies when a situation
reminds me of them all the time.
So seriously, absolutely no judgment.
- I appreciate that.
- So you're also putting up Christmas curtains?
- Oh, yeah.
I realized mine are stained for some reason,
and I figured if I'm going to put new ones up,
I might as well put up seasonally appropriate ones,
though knowing me, these will stay up all year.
- You sound like me.
- Really?
- Yeah, I love Christmas.
I keep so much of my decorations up all year long.
These are just for regular use.
- Wow, I just never met somebody who likes Christmas
as much as I do.
I'm Holly.
- I'm Jay.
- I hope this isn't too forward,
but I just went through a loss
and I could really use someone
to do something Christmasy with.
Would you feel comfortable doing that
with a complete stranger you just met?
- Hmm. You know what?
'Tis the season.
I'm always open to make new friends.
Have you ever had a Holly hot chocolate?
- A what?
- How have you never had one of those?
It's literally your namesake.
- I've never even heard of it.
- Look, there's this great place called Gennaro's
down the street that has it.
Here.
I'm gonna be here tomorrow
from like 11 to 6:00 PM.
It's this big gingerbread competition
that my family has every year, and I help set up.
But once I'm done setting up, I'm kind of useless.
So why don't you come by around two o'clock
and then we can go get a cup together?
- Oh, I would love that. Thank you.
- Well, you know what?
I'll go ahead and give you these ones here,
and I'll grab these ones because I gotta get going.
- Thanks.
- You are so welcome.
And it was wonderful meeting you, Holly.
- Nice to meet you too, Jay.
See you tomorrow, Jay.
(whimsical Christmas music)
- You're doing it again.
- But he's so handsome.
- A lot of handsome guys.
- And he loves Christmas.
- Christmas is arguably the most popular
holiday in this country, so that's not surprising.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
This guy loves Christmas.
Like, keeps it up all year round,
like me.
- Okay. Well, at least you actually have
something in common with this person.
- Uh, obviously.
I mean, I don't know.
I just felt sparks when I touched his hand.
- And now you're obsessed?
- No, I mean, right now, we just,
we just have one date scheduled.
That's gotta be okay, right?
- Sure. I can't argue with that.
- And then, oh, and then we'll fall in love forever.
- And you lost me.
- Not even my own mind is on my side?
- This is exactly what I was talking about.
You barely know this person
and you're already in love while thinking about your future.
Real life doesn't move that fast.
This isn't a Christmas movie.
- Well, it should be.
Yeah, yeah, I'll make it a Christmas movie
with all the joy
and the laughter and the fucking happy ending!
- This will end well.
- I don't need your sarcastic attitude right now.
What I need is a way to impress Jay.
What does Jay like?
- Literally, the only thing you know about him
is that he likes Christmas.
- I'll bake him Christmas cookies.
- You don't know how to bake.
- Listen, all I gotta do is follow directions.
It can't be that hard.
It's not like baking is an exact science.
- That's exactly what it is.
(adventurous music)
(utensil cranking)
(air whooshing)
(metal clanks)
(mechanical whirring)
(dramatic music)
(roller squeaking)
(dramatic music)
(fire alarm buzzing)
(Holly groaning)
(Holly sighs)
(cookie crunching)
- Oh, no.
Okay.
Apparently baking is hard.
What am I gonna do now?
(slow festive music)
(slow festive music continues)
- Oh boy, I'm glad I made these cookies
for the homeless shelter down the street,
but I forgot my car key
and had to walk all the way back home.
(object bang)
Hello?
(slow festive music)
Ugh!
(suspenseful music)
- Those cookies look awesome.
- Thank you?
I take great pride in my baking.
(suspenseful music)
(object squelches)
(suspenseful music)
(ominous music)
- I didn't get to finish my movie.
- So you work for a company that makes children's toys,
but you don't like kids?
- Yeah, I'm just focused on my career
and being a businesswoman.
The only thing I care about is profit.
What about you?
- Well, I make toys myself by hand.
It was my dad's shop.
We don't have record profits like I'm sure you do,
but I make enough to keep the lights on.
Barely. (scoffs)
- Do you have poor sales?
- It's not that.
Well, not exactly.
I end up donating a lot of toys
to the local orphanage this time of year.
- Doesn't that cost you a lot of money?
- It does, but it's worth it.
Seeing the smiles on their faces,
seeing how it makes them believe in a better world.
I dress up like Santa and everything.
- That's beautiful.
You're amazing, Kris.
- Well, there is something I need to confess.
(eerie music)
I brought my pet rat, Harry.
- And I brought my pet rat, Marv. (laughing)
- [Harry] Who's this filthy animal?
- [Marv] What did you call me? You dirty rat.
- [Kris] You're also a rat parent?
- I love rats.
- [Harry] I knew this lady was keeping a squeakret
from Kris.
- [Marv] Your friend here also pulled out
a pretty big piece of cheese to chew.
What's your problem?
- [Harry] Kris is just a really good guy.
And I don't wanna see some big city woman break his heart
because she doesn't understand the reason for the season.
- [Marv] Noelle is a total squeak heart.
She just gets too laser-focused because of her boss
this time of year.
If she just got someone to open the door to her cage,
she could free roam all over this holiday.
- [Harry] Hmm.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking of, Marv?
- [Marv] Are you thinking about food?
- Yes, always.
But that's not what I mean.
- [Marv] Wait!
You're talking...
- [Harry] We're gonna use our superior rat intelligence
to get our people together.
- [Marv] Let's "liberat" their love.
- [Noelle] Everything looks good.
- Oh, you had a long day, Holly.
Let me turn off the movie for you.
- [Kris] Advertising? (scoffs)
Our budget's tight as it is,
and if we need an investment,
who would invest in this town?
- Oh, right. I'm not real.
(ominous music)
Am I a dream right now?
(ominous music)
(Christmas music)
(Christmas music continues)
- (sighs) All right, Holy.
Just be a little less weird this time.
Go, say hi.
Tell 'em you made the cookies.
(people chattering)
Oh, she must be somebody from the competition.
(people chattering)
Maybe they're friends.
It makes sense.
He's been doing this for so long.
(people chattering)
Jay did tell me his family does this.
She must be a sister or something.
(people chattering)
(tense music)
She is a dead woman and she doesn't know it yet.
(people chattering) (tense music)
- When are we killing her?
- Aren't you my conscience?
You're supposed to tell me when I'm wrong.
- Usually, yes, but you're so angry right now,
I can't see straight either.
I won't be of any help advice-wise.
(Holly inhales, exhales) (people chattering)
- Holly, you found the place!
- I did.
GPS technology is Christmas magic.
- Oh, Holly.
This is my wife,
Joan.
Joan, this is the very nice woman that I met yesterday.
- It's so nice to meet you.
I hear you're gonna be trying
Gennero's hot chocolate for the first time.
- Apparently.
- You are going to love it.
Oh, I wish I could go back
and try that drink again for the first time.
- That's what I've been telling her.
It is life changing.
- And you'll be doing Jay here a favor,
even if he won't admit it.
He's the one that sets everything up.
But I'm actually the judge.
He just starts to get really bored
and goes into a glaze mid-afternoon.
- You can only see gingerbread houses so many times.
- Well, that's my job.
You two have a good day, okay?
- Wow, can you believe this bitch,
just mocking you?
- We will try.
- Did you bake these?
- I did.
I just wanted to do something as a little thank you
for getting me out of the house.
- That is so nice.
- She just hates you. I can tell.
- I've been saying Jay needs more friends.
He always spends his time with just me.
Oh, hopefully you'll stick around.
You can get him out of the house more often.
- And she's so jealous.
She doesn't even want you talking to this guy.
- I'd like that.
- Say, how about if I stop making you hold these cookies
the entire time? (people chattering)
Hmm.
This is delicious.
What's in this?
- I can't tell.
- All right then. Keep your secrets.
(people chattering)
- So, are you all right?
- What?
She thinks something is wrong with you?
- What do you mean?
- Jay didn't say much,
but he mentioned that you may have lost someone recently.
- Oh, right.
Yes. I'm sorry.
I just don't like to talk about it.
My boyfriend just passed away very recently.
- I'm so sorry.
That's...
I don't even know what to say.
- Oh, it's okay.
I know, it was for the best.
- It definitely was for the best.
- Did you see it coming?
Oh, I'm sorry. That was too forward.
- I did.
Things were going pretty well for the last couple of months.
I thought things were going to turn around,
but then they regressed very quickly just a few days ago.
- I'm so sorry.
- I tried to make him better for so long,
but I guess I'm just not good enough.
- Don't you do that.
Don't you dare do that to yourself.
You didn't do anything wrong.
- She thinks Howard died of an illness.
- Oh, right. Yes.
I just, I feel so awful about it.
- You are so strong.
- Strong enough to rip that look off your face.
- Stop it.
- What?
- Oh, nothing.
You just, you accidentally hurt my hand.
I fell on it this morning.
It just hurts.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- It's okay. You didn't know.
I didn't even mention it till right now for some reason.
- What'd I miss?
- Oh, just getting to know Holly better.
You show her a good time today, you hear me?
- Of course, I'm gonna do that.
I am the Christmas King.
You ready, Holly?
- Absolutely.
- All right, I'll see you, Toots. Muah.
- Hey, Buster. (lips smack)
Stay warm out there.
- [Jay] Your love will make sure that happens.
- She's doing this on purpose.
She's making Jay do this in front of you.
- All right, Holly, let's get that drink.
(festive music)
(festive music continues)
- So you just have your own Christmas cup?
- Of course, I do.
Everyone should.
- You got me beat there.
Guess I'm a fake fan.
- Oh, no, you're not.
Don't you start that.
I'm just a bigger fan.
(gentle festive music)
- Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh!
- See?
- This is incredible.
I thought you were overselling it,
but this actually lives up to the hype.
- I am honest to a fault.
It really is that great.
- What's even in this?
- I don't know!
I don't even want to know 'cause if I ever find out,
I'll try and make it myself at home,
fail at that,
and then every cup I have afterwards
will remind me of that failure.
- Now, I don't believe that.
You don't seem the type to fail at much.
- I'm not bad at a lot of stuff, I admit,
but I'm not perfect.
Not always the best partner, I can tell you that.
- Really? - Yeah.
Sometimes I just spend too much time
making the kids happy at the orphanage.
I know Joan says she doesn't mind,
but I could cut back on it.
- Oh, no, that's so terrible.
You spending more time to make kids happy.
- Kind of came off as a humble brag, didn't it?
- A little.
- Well, hey, another example of me not being perfect.
- What do you do at the orphanage?
- Oh, I make toys.
- You make toys?
- Yeah, I have my own shop downtown at Garrick Games.
It was my dad's before he passed away,
and I guess I inherited it.
- Well, aren't you a regular St. Nick?
- I guess.
I do donate a lot of toys to the orphanage
this time of year.
- Oh, no, your business must be in danger because of that.
- Oh, no, we're doing great, actually.
Online sales is where most of my business comes from anyway.
And I actually put a donate button on the website
so the people can help the charity that we do.
It ends up breaking even.
This is the most profitable time of the year for me!
- Well, that's great. You can keep your store open
and help make kids happy.
- Thanks, Holly.
So what do you do?
- Oh!
I'm a CPA,
accounting,
business,
numbers.
- Well, you're way smarter than me then.
- Oh, no, no, no, it's really boring.
Just numbers.
It's all just numbers.
- Oh, maybe I should have you take a look
at the store's number sometime.
- Ah, enough about me.
So you said you inherited the store from your dad?
Did you lose him?
- I did.
It's been a while though.
- Oh, I'm still sorry to hear that.
- That's life.
None of us are gonna make it out alive.
- Were you close?
- Yeah.
Yeah, we were.
Not at first.
Mom and dad split when I was young
and mom made up a bunch of lies about him to keep us apart.
I spent so many years hating him for no reason.
But, you know, once I realized how bad she was
and got her out of my life,
I got back in touch with him.
And we connected.
Like, for real.
We didn't get as many years together as we should have,
as many years as he deserved.
But we made what we got count.
I guess that's why I took over the store.
I owe him.
- Do you feel obligated?
- No.
No, I don't think so. Not really.
It is still something I want to do.
I guess, it just helps me feel closer to him.
- And what about the rest of your family?
- (inhales) That's the question.
That's the question!
Um.
Dad was it.
Dad was the last family that I had left.
Even when I was with mom, she didn't have a family herself.
So I grew up never having a big family at all.
But Joan has a big family.
Both sides are still in, you know, in touch with her.
So it's really, really great, you know.
Thanks to being with her,
I can finally get that big family Christmas
and we do it all,
you know, the presents, the dinners, everything.
Christmas Eve is probably my favorite day of the year
because of that togetherness.
- You have a really beautiful view of the season.
I think what you went through
helped you see what really matters.
- Maybe.
(people chattering)
What really matters is peppermint and chocolate combined
together into one flavor.
It's like a gift from the heavens.
- I wanna make a snow angel.
(people chattering)
- What?
- I just wanna go lay outside in the icy cold snow,
and wave my arms around for like five minutes,
just to feel better about things.
- You know what?
You're right. Let's go.
(upbeat festive music)
(ambient festive music)
- I haven't done this in years.
- (laughing) Oh, the bad part is that
it's making my pants so wet.
- You can do it. I believe in you.
- Oh.
(laughing) We did a great job.
- Wait!
- What are you doing?
(ambient festive music)
- Ah!
My angel couldn't see!
- Oh. (laughing)
It's better.
Oh, wait.
(ambient festive music)
Well, you have to be accurate.
- Huh? Biblically accurate angel.
Nice.
- This was really nice.
After the week I went through,
I didn't think I could feel this way again.
- Thank you, too.
This has actually been great.
We should hang out again sometime.
- I would love that.
- Say, why don't you come back with me
to the gingerbread contest?
Every year when somebody wins,
there's a massive amount of drama.
It is hilarious.
You don't want to miss it.
- (laughing) I will happily take a sip
from some of that tea.
- All right, let's go.
(ambient festive music)
- This has been the hardest competition yet,
but I think I have found my winner.
It's just so nice that I have this quiet room alone
by myself to think.
(ominous music) (door opens)
(gun banging) (ominous music continues)
(body thuds)
- Holy shit, you robo-copped her.
Now I realize this is way too far!
(eerie music)
- [Holly] Sorry, Joan, but this is a one woman show.
(eerie music)
(knife squelching) (eerie music continues)
(knife continues squelching) (eerie music continues)
(eerie music continues)
- No watch.
- Where is Joan?
We need to pick the winner.
- I sent my brand new friend, Holly,
who I trust a lot to get her from the quiet room.
- When she gets here, tell me!
- I don't know where she is.
Oh, hey, Joan.
- I can't do this anymore.
- The competition?
Are you feeling okay?
- All right, it's not the contest, it's our marriage.
I want a divorce.
- Why?
- It's the orphans.
You spend too much time with them.
I feel like I'm a runner up.
- I knew that was a problem. I knew it!
Why didn't you say anything?
- I shouldn't have to tell you.
You should just know.
- I can change.
I'll start going less often.
Hell, I won't go at all anymore.
- It's too late.
I've already found someone else.
- Who?
- You wouldn't know him.
He lives in Canada.
He's real good at gingerbread contests.
He doesn't go visit orphans.
He's basically the perfect man.
- This is all so sudden.
- I won't be home when you get back.
I've already packed up.
This will be the last time you ever see me.
- Can we at least talk about this?
- What are we gonna tell-
- Joan, we need you now.
You need to pick a gingerbread house!
(air whooshing)
- (gasping) What just happened? (sobbing)
This is the worst gingerbread competition
in the past two years.
(suspenseful music) (people chattering)
(suspenseful music continues) (people continue chattering)
(tense music)
(people clapping)
(sinister music)
(sinister music continues)
- This is the winning gingerbread house!
(magical music)
- Yeah. Told you.
I told you.
I told you, told you, and told you I was gonna win.
- For the love of Shane Falco!
(table thuds)
- What the hell, man?
(suspenseful music)
(contestants grunting) (suspenseful music continues)
- You know what? I'm getting sick of you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- What are you gonna do about it?
(contestants grunting)
- Stop!
(chair bangs)
(suspenseful metal music) (contestants grunting)
(contestants groaning)
(suspenseful metal music) (contestants grunting)
I'm the winner now!
(gingerbread house thuds)
- Joan!
Joan, can we please talk about this?
Joan? What, oh.
Joan!
- Oh, hey, Jay.
Jay, are you okay? (somber music)
- I guess I missed her. - Jay, babe, what's wrong?
- Joan just left me.
- What a surprise.
There's absolutely no way I could have known
that's what just happened.
- Why is your face red?
- Um, the cranberry sauce salesman was very pushy this year.
I just couldn't get enough.
- Yeah, that's Alan for you.
- You were saying about Joan?
- (scoffs) Apparently she met some other guy
and she already moved out.
- That's so terrible.
You deserve someone who will treat you better than that.
- (sobbing) What am I gonna do about Christmas Eve now?
I can't go to her family's anymore for the holiday.
I don't even have any groceries to make a dinner.
- Um, well, you could just come to Christmas Eve dinner
with my family.
- What?
- Yeah, my family has Christmas Eve dinner at our cabin.
It's very luxurious.
You'll love it.
- Uh, I don't know your family.
I wouldn't want to impose.
- Stop being so damn polite.
No one should be alone on Christmas Eve, ever.
Please, come over. (gentle music)
- (sniffing) Okay.
Okay, we'd love to. Where is it?
- Oh, um.
Let's see.
Here's my number.
You can text me later and I'll send you the address.
- Thank you, Holly.
It has truly been a blessing that I met you when I did.
It has been nothing but a good thing for me today.
- Don't mention it.
I'll just be happy to see the smile on your face.
- Okay, well, I guess I'll see you then.
- Absolutely. See you then.
(suspenseful metal music) (contestants grunting)
(suspenseful metal music)
(feet banging)
(suspenseful metal music) (contestants groaning)
- [Dominick] I would really love to know your plan here.
- What do you mean?
The plan is to have a Christmas Eve dinner
at a Christmas cabin,
win over Jay's heart, kiss him and live happily ever after.
- A Christmas Eve dinner?
- Yes.
- Where?
- Oh, shit. I need a cabin.
- With who?
- Oh, shit. I need a family!
- There are as many holes in this plan
as Swiss cheese, and I know cheese.
- I'm not worried about that.
I can take care of that problem later.
The most important thing is that the only obstacle
between me and Jay has been removed.
- Joan, we need a picture of-
(ominous music)
- I just found this.
- Ah!
(ominous music)
(head thuds)
(ominous music)
(knife squelches)
(ominous music)
(whimsical Christmas music)
(whimsical Christmas music continues)
(chorus vocalizing)
- I can't believe it's almost Christmas
and you bought more stuff to put up.
- Clark, you know I'm a sucker for these things.
- (sighs) Don't we have enough already?
- Babe, look me directly in my eyes right now.
No, I'm serious, look at me.
It will never be enough.
We will build additions onto our home
before I stop buying Christmas stuff.
- But we have so much in the basement.
We're running outta room.
- Oh.
So did you want to sell some of your Halloween stuff?
- Ah, fuck you, bitch!
- That's what I thought.
(person knocking on door)
Oh, please tell me you did not invite
your mother for Christmas?
- I thought she reminded you of your mother?
- Her name does and that's it.
- Can't you just try and get along?
- I swear, Clark, if you're springing this on us.
- No, I didn't. I don't know who it is.
(foreboding music)
(head thuds)
(air whooshing)
- Holly, look at this place.
It's like from a Christmas card.
- I know. It's fucking perfect.
Jay is going to love it.
- [Dominick] Are you going to cook?
- No, I'll probably order from one of those delivery places
that makes food like that.
- [Dominick] What if he notices?
- Well, then I'll be kind of honest and say,
mom didn't feel like cooking this year, so we ordered out.
- Looks like our hosts are awake.
- Hello.
I bet you're feeling really scared right now.
I am a very dangerous woman.
You have a right to be scared.
But it's okay.
If you do everything I ask and you help me out,
I won't have to hurt you any more than I already did
to tie you up like this.
Okay?
So basically, I have this really amazing date
with this amazing guy. (chuckles)
He's supposed to have dinner and meet my family,
but I don't have a family.
So I'm gonna need to borrow your cabin
and I'm going to need some parents.
- What are you gonna do after the dinner?
- [Holly] What do you mean?
- So he meets your parents,
then your parents disappear forever?
If you two actually get together, that will seem weird.
- So I'll tell him that they died
in an accident or something, okay?
Now I'm going to un-gag you,
but it's not going to do you any good to scream.
There's no one around.
And I've already taken your phones.
Okay?
There.
Now, which one of you lives here?
- We both do.
- Oh, you're roommates?
- Kind of? - Brothers?
- We're married. - You're gay?
- I don't really like to use labels.
- Yes, we're gay. We're gay married men.
- Hmm, that's a little less traditional
than I was hoping for.
Not that that's a problem.
See, I'm just thinking about
those older school Christmas movies.
They're a little more traditional,
but not that it's a problem.
I'd like to be more inclusive.
It's just that this will really throw a wrench in things.
- So you have two dads now.
Who cares?
- Well, it'll just throw the whole gender ratio off.
- Gonna need you to explain,
because I think part of your brain isn't communicating
with the rest of us.
- Most Christmas movies keep the gender
balance pretty equal.
Two gay dads is fine,
but dinner will just be three men and one woman.
So we really need a couple more women.
Or maybe even just some femme-presenting people.
- So what are you gonna do?
- I'm just gonna have to go get me some siblings.
- This is already falling apart.
- So do either of you need a restroom break
before I tie you up again and go take care of business?
(Clark whimpers)
(light pensive music)
- I don't know about this.
- Belle, you don't just get information like this every day.
This is perfect.
- Yeah, that's what worries me.
Why tip anybody off if this place is a perfect hit?
- Look, this isn't the first time
that someone sees a good spot,
but are too scared to do it themselves.
They get a cut.
We get most of it.
- You know, I never knew there's any kind of thief economy
before I met you, Claire.
- I already checked the house out for myself from afar.
Minimal security.
Nobody's home.
- Yeah, people do leave at Christmas a lot.
- Exactly.
We've done this before.
Why are you being so weird?
- Just a bad feeling.
- Don't give me that shit. "Bad feeling."
- I have always been able to feel energy.
- You are not a witch!
- Wow. Well, okay.
- Hun, I'm sorry.
- No, no.
I know your thoughts on my beliefs.
- Look, I don't believe in this,
but I shouldn't have yelled.
- You did yell.
- I'm sorry.
- You know, I could curse you.
- Sure, you could.
- Okay, I'll forgive you
if you don't leave the water running this time.
- But that's our calling card.
- It's stupid and it ties too many crimes to us.
- Fine.
I will boringly rob the house like a boring burglar.
- Then I'll forgive you.
- Can we please get this over with?
You go in from the top.
(curious music)
(curious music continues)
(objects thud)
(suspenseful music)
- Claire, I'm inside.
I wanna check out the attic.
(suspenseful music) (feet stomp)
- Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep,
go to sleep, go to sleep.
(gentle music)
- I can't thank you enough for showing me
the true meaning of Christmas.
Because of you,
I quit my job and moved to this small town.
- And you saved my business.
Your investment was enough to push us over the edge.
And now we have worldwide orders already,
and even licensing deals.
Keeping this business alive is going to save the whole town.
- I love you, Kris.
- And I love you, Noelle.
(magical music)
- [Marv] Wow, what an over the top adventure we had
to make this happen.
- [Harry] I know.
There were the explosions.
- [Marv] The shootout.
- [Harry] You flew an airplane,
- [Marv] You committed corporate espionage.
- [Harry] Well, how else was Noelle
going to be able to prove her company was evil?
- [Marv] It's a good thing
that there was a huge financial award for catching that CEO.
- [Harry] That old man will have plenty of time
to be visited by three ghosts in prison.
- [Marv] We made a pretty good team, Harry.
- [Harry] I think so too, Marv.
- I got you something for Christmas.
(magical music)
(gentle music)
- And I got you something for Christmas.
(magical music)
- [Marv] I guess this was just a cheesy Christmas.
- [Harry] You said it, pal.
- Isn't that beautiful?
It's like a perfect love story
with a perfect happy ending.
That is the kind of tone I'm trying to set tonight.
So you all need to play your parts.
Bruce, Clark, you're our dads.
It should be easy.
You're already a happily married couple.
Claire, Belle, we're sisters.
- Are we related?
- Belle? - What?
It's an honest question.
I'd like to make the crazy lady happy.
No offense.
- That's fair.
Both of your points.
I think it would be better if we were blood-related.
So have either of you two fellas ever thought about
carrying on a family with your own actual sperm?
- Never.
- I've thought about it.
- You said you didn't even wanna adopt.
- That was years ago.
Look, I'm not wishing we had kids.
I'm just saying it might be nice if we did at some point.
And having one child with a surrogate seemed interesting.
- That's perfect.
If it comes up tonight, Clark, you're our biological father.
Three different moms, we didn't know.
- Perfect.
Mine is a doctor.
Oh, and I think your sister would talk like this.
- I think that's a great idea.
What an awesome character choice.
I love your enthusiasm.
(person knocking on door)
Who's that?
- I don't know. We're not expecting anyone.
Really!
(suspenseful music)
- I believe you.
You all better stay quiet.
- Who are you? Where's Bruce?
- I'm a friend.
Bruce and Clark aren't here right now, so.
- Well, he always lets me borrow his tools.
So if you-
- Ah! Sorry, but I don't know you,
and I'm not gonna just lend things to you
without their permission.
Sorry.
(Belle sneezes)
- Oh, is that you?
(mysterious music) (door shuts)
(mysterious music)
(candy cane squelches) (mysterious music continues)
(Belle gasps)
- That was me. I'm sorry.
- That was an accident.
And I fixed the problem.
So I'm not gonna do anything else to you about this.
But I hope you all understand that I will not hesitate.
So you should do as I say.
Good.
Now it's almost time to get ready
because it's almost showtime.
(ethereal music)
- Uh, okay.
I think it's done.
- Why don't the chairs and plates match?
- It's just the two of us who live here.
- That's fair.
Everything's perfect, dads.
Oh, wait. No.
(Holly humming)
(CD player whirring)
(magical Christmas music)
Now everything's perfect.
- How...
How long do we have to be here?
- Just a couple more hours, then you'll never see me again.
- Well, I hope everything goes okay with your weird date.
(person knocking on door)
- Speaking of my weird date,
Bruce, will you get the door?
It'll look a lot less desperate if you do it instead of me.
Clark, come with me.
- Hey, where are you taking him?
- Oh, this is just a little insurance.
Don't mess it up!
(magical Christmas music)
- I always wanted to be an actor.
- I'm so nervous.
What if he doesn't like me?
What if I say the wrong thing and he thinks I'm weird?
- Hey. Hey.
Just relax.
- That's easy for you to say.
You already found your forever person.
- Look.
I don't know you or this guy,
but he was willing to have dinner with you on Christmas Eve.
If he's willing to give up an important day like that,
he must like you a little bit.
Why else would he come?
- There wouldn't be any other reason why he would.
- So uh, I'd say, be yourself,
but I don't know how much of that is the stabbing kind.
But don't overdo it during dinner.
- Thanks, Clark.
I hope after this, you and Bruce are able to start a family.
Kids aren't for me, but I heard they can be pretty great.
- [Bruce] Holly, darling, your guests are here.
- That's our cue.
- It is.
Wait. Guests?
(magical Christmas music)
- Oh, Holly, hi!
Wow. You look amazing.
- Thanks.
Oh, who's this?
One of your orphans?
- Oh, I want you to meet my daughter.
Jacyn. (eerie music)
- It's nice to meet you, miss.
- Your daughter.
- Oh, oh, is this unexpected?
Oh, is there not room at the table?
- There's room.
We can just pull up another chair.
Right, dad?
(air whooshing)
Right, dad?
- Right. Yes.
Sorry, it must have slipped my mind.
- [Holly] I'm really happy you could make it make.
- Oh, of course.
We wouldn't have missed this for the world.
I didn't realize this place was so far away though.
We had to leave so early!
Sorry to make you wake up that early, sweetie.
- It's okay.
It helped me get my mind off things since mom is gone.
- Gone?
Who told you about that?
- Uh, I did.
- Gone. Right, I forgot.
You would've told your daughter.
Now I've met some of your family.
How about you meet some of mine?
You've already met one of my dads, Bruce.
This is my other dad, Clark.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, sir.
- And over here are Claire and Belle.
- Are you together?
- Yeah. - No, we're sisters.
We're Holly's sisters.
- Yeah, we've always been kind of close.
It's kind of embarrassing.
We've held hands since we were kids.
We're in therapy for it.
- I don't think there's anything
to be embarrassed about when it comes to that.
It's important to hold onto childhood memories.
They're precious.
- Dad still has a pillow of his first cat
that he sleeps with.
- Well, you know,
we don't have to tell people about that, sweetie.
- Well, sit down, guys.
(spooky music) (bells chiming)
(spooky music continues) (bells continue chiming)
(Jay heavily sighs)
- Claire, are you okay?
- She's on a diet.
It's hard to go back to eating a big meal
once you're used to it.
- And we all told her she didn't have to be on a diet.
- Why are you on a diet?
- Uh (clears throat), training?
I'm a runner.
- That was a wonderful meal.
My compliments to the chef.
- Yes, thank you.
It was my mother's recipe.
- Does Bruce do most of the cooking?
- Oh, we take turns.
He was just really excited about today.
I was tied up all day. Huh.
(Bruce nervously laughs)
- (laughing) I don't know why that's funny.
- How about dessert, Jay?
- I'd love some.
- I was actually talking to your father,
but sure, why not?
You can have some dessert, too.
If not, that would be weird.
- Yes, we'd love some dessert.
- Be right back.
- If she wants to date you,
she needs to do a much better job at winning me over.
- [Jay] Is that so?
- It's just, I'm not sure I'm ready to have a new mom.
- Are you blackmailing me?
- Hmm, yes.
(Claire panting)
- Babe, it's okay.
It's okay.
We're almost done.
And we're fine.
We're gonna be fine.
We're gonna make it.
(lips smack) (pensive music)
- Close family.
- I think I'm glad I'm an only child.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- I hope everyone saved room for dessert.
I know Claire won't have any.
(magical music)
(tense music)
(Claire gasps)
- Um.
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
I think I have to go to the bathroom.
- (laughing) She'll be fine.
I'll check on her later.
And after dessert,
I have another special surprise just for you.
- Holly, my daughter is here.
- Oh, it's more of a sleigh bells kind of surprise.
My family does it every year.
- I understand.
(Christmas music)
- Lemme get that for you.
- I can get it myself!
- You know, I'm really glad you made it.
I had a wonderful time.
- You know what? Me, too!
- Holly.
I like you.
I really do like you.
But my daughter just lost her mom.
I don't wanna rush into anything.
I just want to give her as much time as she needs.
- Sure.
Right.
- Is Claire okay?
She's been gone a while.
- Maybe I should go check.
- No, I'll go check on her.
Why don't you help dads clean up?
- I can help, too.
I'll take care of the dishes.
(water running)
- This is all my fault.
I mean, I could just fuck off.
But then, she'll hurt Belle.
I have to do something. Fuck it.
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(Claire squealing) (suspenseful music continues)
(Claire groaning) (suspenseful music continues)
(Claire continues groaning) (suspenseful music continues)
(crowbar squelches)
(Claire yelling) (suspenseful music)
(eerie music)
- Jacyn, Jacyn.
You shouldn't spy on adults having a private moment.
You're a very naughty girl.
(eerie music)
Get ready for a spanking, little missy.
And I'm gonna tell you right from the start.
(crowbar squelches)
This is gonna hurt you a lot more
than it's going to hurt me.
(crowbar squelches) (eerie music)
(blood gushing)
(crowbar pounding) (eerie music continues)
(crowbar continues pounding) (eerie music continues)
Perfect.
Now nothing stands in my way.
And Jay is all mine.
- What the fuck, Holly?
- What?
- You think this is okay?
- Don't go soft on me now.
- Soft?
You killed this guy's kid.
You think there's a happy ending to that?
Because the rest of your brain knows that isn't true.
- It's okay. We can make more kids.
He won't mind.
- You know what? That's my limit.
I can't do this anymore. I'm leaving.
Holly has lost her mind, which is me.
I'm her mind.
(suspenseful music) (Christmas music)
(suspenseful music continues) (Christmas music continues)
(door shuts)
(suspenseful music) (Christmas music)
(magical music)
- Look, everyone. I was right.
I did hear someone on the roof.
- Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Santa! (voice breaks)
- Oh boy. Can't wait to see what I got.
- Oh.
(pensive festive music)
Oh, and you? You've been a very good boy.
- Oh, yes, I have.
(scoffs) Where's Jacyn? She's missing this.
- Oh, I saw her go into the bathroom.
- Wait, then where's Claire?
- Oh, she's upstairs laying down.
She didn't feel well.
- Where is she?
- I told you, she's laying down.
- You fucking cunt.
We had a deal.
- Uh, sis, relax.
- Did you kill her? - What?
- Did you kill my fucking girlfriend?
- (nervously laughs) Who let Belle have too much wine?
- Did you kill his fucking kid?
(suspenseful music)
- Holly?
What is she saying?
- We're not her family.
She's a fucking psycho that kidnapped us
and killed people to make us pretend.
Killed people we love, Jay.
- Where's Jacyn?
- It's okay, Jay.
We can make another baby.
(bag thuds)
(suspenseful music)
We need to get outta here!
(suspenseful music)
(sledge hammer squelches)
(suspenseful music)
(dramatic music)
(fist pounding) (Holly groaning)
(suspenseful music)
(CD breaks, remnants squelches)
(Belle yells) - Bruce!
(ominous music)
- Your music taste sucks.
- Please.
Let us go.
- You serious, Clark?
(sledge hammer squelches) (ominous music)
(suspenseful music)
(Belle groaning)
- I'm gonna fucking kill you!
(Belle groans)
(knife thuds) (eerie music)
- At least you put up more of a fight than Claire.
(knife squelches) (Belle yells)
(Belle groans)
- Fuck!
(ominous music)
- Kill.
You.
- I'm gonna deck your halls. (indistinct)
- Holly!
Holly, it's okay.
I forgive you. (gentle music)
- You do?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Today has been crazy.
But we can move past it.
- You mean it?
- Yeah, but you have to put the knife down for me, okay?
You have to do that.
That's it.
Come on.
- I've been dreaming of this.
(gentle music)
- I love you, Holly.
(suspenseful music)
- Liar.
- No, I... Liar!
(tree base squelches)
(electronic Christmas music)
(ominous music)
(ominous music continues)
- This isn't real.
It was all a lie.
It's not worth if it isn't real.
- That's what I tried telling you.
- (scoffs) I learned my lesson.
That was wrong.
But!
No witnesses.
- You'll get yours.
- No, I won't.
I am sorry, though.
I didn't mean for everything to go to hell like this.
For the record, I really did like you.
(ominous music) (sledge hammer squelches)
(Belle laughs)
(blood gushing) (ominous organ music)
(blood gushing continues)
(ominous organ music)
- Naughty.
(Santa groans)
- Sir, are you okay?
- (groans) I've had worse in Iraq.
We should get to a hospital.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Well, you've been a good girl.
- I have not.
- Well, relatively speaking.
(whimsical Christmas music)
♪ Love is in the air this time of year ♪
♪ Searching for a perfect Christmas cheer ♪
♪ I just wanna see the lights in someone's eyes ♪
♪ When they look at me, a kiss draws near ♪
♪ You look like my perfect match ♪
♪ I won't hold back ♪
♪ Your hand on mine, my heart is singing ♪
♪ I can hear the sleigh bells ringing ♪
♪ I would do anything to fall in love ♪
♪ We can be a Mr. and Mrs. Claus ♪
♪ I will get my happy ending ♪
♪ There's no preventing ♪
♪ Til' death do us part ♪
♪ The mistletoe is hanging up above ♪
♪ My heart's obsession needs a fresh start ♪
(singer vocalizing)
♪ Deck the halls with blood and frosting, guts and glory ♪
♪ Maybe people say I fall in love too fast ♪
♪ I'm convinced this time won't be like the last ♪
♪ Heart is pounding like a drum, ain't it fun ♪
- Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry.
I should pay better attention next time.
I'm Nick, by the way.
- I'm Holly.
- [Dominick] Goddammit!