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How are y'all doing tonight?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Attell!
Welcome to the special.
Thank you.
Hey, I hope I can live up to that four-man standing ovation.
Yeah.
We love you, Dave! - Oh, dude. This is it now.
And you know,
even though I look like I run my own escape room,
I want you to know this.
You can leave whenever you want.
I see everyone's having a drink, and I like that too.
Now there's a couple of drinks you gotta watch out for.
One of them, White Claw Hard Seltzer. Yeah.
I've been around for a while, guys. This is the hardest of the seltzers.
And hard seltzer is the gateway drink to a soft penis.
- Yeah.
That's right.
If you're up for a night of apologies, and "this never happens to me" and...
...maybe, just maybe a game of Uno, then that's the drink for you.
But I see a lot of couples in the room and I'm a little jealous cause, um,
I met a girl in Texas and I was going to fly her into this show,
but her flight was canceled, so I guess we're going to have that kid.
- And you know... Yeah.
Let it out. You got that one. I know you got that.
Oh, that's all right.
That joke's about flying, everyone.
Yeah.
Everyone hates a connecting flight.
Worst connecting flight I ever had was three years ago.
Yeah, it was, um, Wuhan to Brazil to Florida, and...
- Yeah.
Got on with a scratchy throat, got off with a high fever.
Didn't think much of it.
Got on a Megabus and hit Washington DC.
I was just in Washington DC
and I gotta tell you it is so much different
from when I stormed it, you know?
- Come on.
I know how I look. Come on, guys.
I know.
I have that January 6 look.
I get it, okay?
But relax, I'm a Biden man, all right?
Yeah. Hunter Biden.
- Now, thank you.
Nice one.
I'm in San Diego, which is my most favorite town in Mexico
and you know, oh...
That's where SeaWorld is. Do you know SeaWorld?
The aquatic Auschwitz.
- Either way, yeah.
A big puddle of sad if you ask me.
Now I'm not an ocean guy, all right?
Even though I look like I know my way around a tugboat.
I'm not an ocean guy.
Hey, you know what?
You see me in the ocean, I'm going to the bathroom. Yeah.
I was down at the Wharf. Have you been down there? Fisherman's Wharf?
Oh my God.
I think I did it.
That is the only place
where you can step in dog, man, and seal shit.
- Yeah.
Yeah, the trifecta, I did it.
Dog, man, seal.
Wow.
Don't you think once you do all three, dog, man, and seal,
the mayor should come out and shake your hand, like, "Hey, you know what..."
I was hit by a bicycle.
Yeah. No.
No, it was my fault.
It was my fault.
I was standing on the sidewalk.
I mean, you know...
You stand on the sidewalk, you get hit by a bike.
I mean, what? That's the world we live in now.
And the guy who hit me was a food delivery guy. Yeah.
A third responder.
That's right.
These guys are heroes delivering heroes to heroes.
Yeah. Applaud them.
It's really tough 'cause there's no late-night food anymore.
It's all gone.
I don't know when it happened, but no food after 11.
You don't believe me? I'll take it through it, okay?
I'm in Milwaukee, which is a great town.
Milwaukee, great town, no late-night food,
which kind of explains Jeffrey Dahmer.
- Now...
Hey...
This guy was a monster, all right?
I am not condoning anything he did.
But you get hungry, am I right? I mean, come on.
All I'm saying is pack a snack, all right?
Now I do trail mix. Anybody?
I always travel with a bag of trail mix,
the most unsatisfying snack, am I right?
I mean, honestly, let's call it what it really is. Are you ready?
Not enough M&Ms. I mean, that's what trail mix is.
Every handful is just another handful of disappointment. Am I right?
It's kind of like the hug of a stepdad.
- I mean, it just doesn't...
Yeah. I knew we had a couple of broken toys in the room.
This crowd is hot.
I mean, you guys are really doing it for me.
Today... Yeah, it's good.
It's all good.
Today I, um, I treated myself to a little trip to Subway.
You know it? The sandwich shop. Yeah, it's open, full capacity, and um...
I go in and it's just me and the guy making the sandwiches, you know?
And I'm like, dude, this is awesome.
I can't believe it, it's just you and me in here.
Take the gloves off.
- All right, yeah.
Bareback me a sandwich.
I said it.
I'm not making it up, I said it.
Raw dog me a BLT, come on!
I wanna feel you on that meat!
Oh. They know what they're doing over there.
I had a 6-inch, but I swear to God, 12 came out.
It was that good.
Boom. I'm crushing it, am I right?
Killing it here tonight.
And even though you guys kind of have the energy of a Salesforce meeting,
I really appreciate you coming in here.
You all right? Good.
Oh, guys. I'll never forget where I was when the Queen went down.
Yeah.
I went down to Burger King.
People were so upset they were ripping the crowns from their heads.
One guy was so distraught he jumped behind the counter
and pistol-whipped the cashier
as he screamed, "mo' ketchups."
Now,
mo' ketchups.
She would have wanted it that way.
Mo' ketchups.
If that isn't a catchphrase, what is?
All the great catchphrases have been taken, am I right?
Like, um, Dyn-O-Mite,
or um, Talk to the Hand,
or um, Allah Akbar.
All the good ones are gone.
Shit.
Let it out.
You know who's my queen? I'll tell you who's my queen. My mom.
She's 87 years old.
Yeah.
87 years old.
No, you don't have to applaud, she's not trans.
But um...
87 years old, people.
I'm a good son, people.
You know what I did for my mom? I built her a ramp, yeah.
It was time for her to come back in.
- That's right.
For two years she was feral and wild, living in the yard.
She was naked, I was afraid.
But now she's back in and better than ever.
Old people.
They need companionship.
Loneliness, that's right, is one of the big killers of the elderly.
Loneliness, and salt.
- Loneliness.
I'm a good son. I would not put up with that.
You know what I did? I signed her up for OnlyFans.
- Yeah, that's what I did.
I did the photography.
I took a tasteful pic, I'm talking very tasteful,
of her trying to get out of her shower chair.
And you know what?
Like a mermaid.
- Yes.
She looked like a mermaid.
By that, I mean wet and she couldn't walk.
Either way...
Can't a boy love his mother anymore?
Is that a crime?
- Thank you. Thank you.
My mom sprained her arm
and now it's in a sling and you're not allowed to touch it.
So I'm a good son. You know what I did for her?
I bought her a falcon.
Yeah.
He guards his arm.
Relax, that joke sucks. Either way...
When I was a boy, my mom used to read me Dr Seuss.
Now I know that's considered hate speech.
I mean, I know it right now.
So forgive me in advance,
but back then it was just a mom and this boy enjoying some reading.
She would read me some Dr Seuss right before bed.
She would read me Dr Seuss, kiss me on the forehead,
seig heil me and turn out the light.
And you know what?
I was her little führer.
Either way...
Guys, racism is wrong no matter how funny and dead-on it is
so don't do it, all right?
Like this next couple of jokes.
Here we go.
We live in a crazy world, guys.
And you know who I have my eye on?
I'll tell you who I got my eye on right now, this Kim Jong Un.
Yeah.
And I'm going to say it tonight.
I don't care if I lose my entire North Korean fan base.
I don't give a shit.
I don't care if I never work Panmunjom again.
That's the Sacramento of North Korea, all right?
This Kim Jong is a meanie.
He is a mean mean.
But he looks so ticklish.
I mean, look at him.
Don't you just want to tickle, tickle, tickle him till he
queefs duck sauce all over the dojo mat?
It's over now.
It's over, guys.
Thank you.
I love it, guys.
I've got to give a shout-out to my man Optimus Prime for turning into a stage
and um...
You know, since I'm the only comic in America who doesn't have a podcast,
this is my moment, all right?
- Here we go.
Vape.
Vaping is killing people.
We're losing an entire generation of Joshuas, Noahs, and Logans to vaping.
Think about the scooters that will never be scooted.
The TikTok challenges that will never be answered.
Dying of vape is the lamest of all deaths.
Dying of vape is like drowning in an above-ground pool.
You could have stopped swimming and walked to the ladder.
But you were too proud. Now you're dead.
Do you think if you drown in an above-ground pool you go to heaven?
I don't think so.
I think you go right back to Bakersfield and start again.
There you go. It's a local joke. It's a local joke.
- Easy.
Easy.
- Yeah.
That's the part of California no one knows.
That's where the almonds come from, yeah.
I was out that way, I went to a strip club, not the best.
That's what it was called, Not the Best.
There were some rough and ready ladies in there,
tatted from head to toe.
Do you guys like tats?
- You do, don't you? Yeah.
Aren't tattoos way more erotic than unexplained bruises?
Am I right?
Yeah, they are.
You know they are.
One of the ladies had a big owl tattoo on her back,
which I thought was kind of classy,
but underneath was written, "Hoo's next?"
And I didn't like it. Nice one.
I met someone on one of these apps, I think it was, uh, CarMax,
and you know, yeah...
she was old and I was old,
and we really went at it.
Old on old, have you seen it?
You'll smell it before you see it, I'll tell you that.
She knew what she was doing. She got on top of me, yeah, and rode me.
She rode me, people, yeah.
Not like a horse. That's for young people, no.
She rode me like a bus.
- Yeah.
She just sat there wearing her coat, holding her bags.
- For like an hour and a half.
An hour and a half, everyone.
I didn't want to wake her.
Oh, awesome. I just moved up on the kidney list.
Yeah.
Now, I never lie to the crowd, so I might as well tell you.
This is performance-enhanced. You know that right now, right?
Right before I hit the stage, I popped a Centrum Silver.
- Did you know that?
- That's a multivitamin.
Yep. I've got a bukkake of health and nutrition coursing through my body.
I have the prostate of a 21-year-old pick a pronoun.
But you know what?
I take vitamins every day. I know they don't really work.
They're kind of like prayers.
But you know what?
Tummy prayers, that's what I call them.
Relax, everyone. I'm talking about selfish prayers.
They don't work, okay?
Prayers for the world, they're working. Look outside.
Am I right?
It's fantastic out there.
Here's a little story.
I'm sitting at the dog park 'cause when I sit at the playground, things happen.
- And um, yeah...
I get it.
I'm serious, I can clear a playground in like three minutes, honestly.
You know what weather I look the best in?
The fog.
That's really where I look the best.
I'm serious. In the fog holding a lantern.
Who goes there?
- Friend or foe?
You know, fog talk.
Yeah!
Better late than never.
I love you, buddy.
I will give you that ride to rehab.
San Diego, here we go.
You ever do mushrooms?
Yeah.
I know in this town, mushrooms... yeah, exactly.
You all got to do them, it's like jury duty.
Either way...
One time I took mushrooms and I went to a petting zoo, I think.
Or maybe it was a poorly-guarded farm.
- I'm not exactly sure what it was.
But there were animals there.
And I didn't go empty-handed. I brought a bag of baby carrots with me.
The wet ones, you know what I'm talking about?
Baby carrots at a petting zoo, awesome.
They were into it.
Now at first, I was a little nervous.
Okay, it's late.
So I just put a baby carrot in my hand and I put it over a fence,
and closed my eyes.
And something ate it, all right?
You guys have been downtown. You know what I'm talking about, right?
Then I got a little bold.
I put one in my mouth. I did.
And I lean in.
Out of the dark this goat, this big old goat,
comes right and he eats it right outta my mouth.
Like he's giving me a little kiss.
Now would you quit? 'Cause I didn't.
I've got a big bag of baby carrots.
I put one in this ear, one in that ear,
and this goat had a buddy.
He had a friend,
and they both came at me at the same time and they started nibbling it outta my ear,
like they were telling me a secret.
Now I can't be the only one in this room who's been Eiffel Towered by two goats.
That's impossible.
Then the mushrooms kicked in, all right?
Now I've got five baby carrots in my asshole, all right?
I've got five in my A. Yeah.
And you're like, "Dave, how do you do five? I can only do three."
You gotta train with a sweet potato
- You gotta do it. Train like you fight.
Now I never thought a goat could call a cop,
but either way...
As they led me away, I swear to God I heard, "Mo' ketchups."
- Now...
Thank you.
I'm not much of a storyteller,
but you guys were there with me the whole way through.
Thank you, buddy.
You're too good to me.
You know what I'm trying to say with that joke? I'm lonely.
What does real loneliness look like? I'll tell you.
Your own reflection in a microwave door.
- That's what it looks like.
That sad face, staring at it.
Turn, turn, turn!
Turn into a woman, do it!
Oh. You guys are really... you're cheering me up, that's for sure.
The other days I had it bad.
Yeah, I had it real bad the other day.
I was sitting in my car, windows up, engine on,
letting the carbon monoxide do its job.
- Yeah.
And just as I was about to go out, I'm talking final exit,
that's when God sent me the angel.
And the angel just knocked on my window
and said, "Are you my Uber?"
And then I drove the angel. Yeah.
Let's talk money now. Are you ready?
Let's do it. Here it comes.
A lot of people do crypto. I don't do that shit.
I don't do it, people.
I'm old-school.
I metal detect.
- Anybody else metal detectors?
Metal detecting. That's right, guys.
Even though I'm dressed for collecting cans,
I'm a metal detector man.
Where are the other metal detector guys?
Thank you, brother. Yeah.
It's mysterious, isn't it? Another treasure hunter in the room.
Yes.
Cans on, stick on the ground.
I'm gonna give you guys a peek into the mysterious world of metal detection.
Here it comes.
Here's something you'll never hear a metal detector guy say. Ready?
"Well, I'd better be getting home. She's probably worried about me."
You know?
There is no home and there is no she.
You just keep going and going and going till the battery dies.
NFTs, you know what I'm talking about?
I don't do that.
Okay? I'm old.
I do it old-school.
I buy and sell ivory.
Yeah.
It's a joke. Relax.
It's a joke.
I'm just kidding around. It's a joke.
And some jokes should only be told on the deck of a whaling boat.
- I get it.
How did I make my money? How did I do it?
Stock market! Yeah. Don't listen to the experts.
They're chumps.
Go with your gut, see which way the wind's blowing. Go all in.
Three years ago I saw what was happening and I did it.
I put every cent I had, I'm talking everything,
into Confederate flags.
Yeah.
- Crushing it!
I heard that if you come on a Confederate flag and bury it,
a Cracker Barrell will grow. Is that true?
- Boom.
Get a test.
All right.
You gotta love that Cracker Barrell. Am I right?
Southern cooking. Mmm!
It is amazing what you'll eat when you don't believe in evolution.
That's for sure.
Porn, yes or no?
People, we're talking porn.
Now do I watch porn? Is that what you wanna know?
Yes.
I watch porn, but not as much as I look like I watch, all right?
I only watch it till the library closes, okay?
Everybody's in these three-ways now.
How many people have had a three-way here?
- Yeah? Okay.
Here's a little heads-up. If you see me with two women,
that's a wellness check, all right?
Rough play. Anybody, rough play here?
Yeah. Okay, cool.
BDSM, do you know what I'm talking about?
Bondage.
One time a woman on the web wanted to tie me to a mortgage.
But other than that...
What's going on now is there's a renaissance of sex toys.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Sex toys. Watch this.
How many women own a vibrator?
- Yeah. There you go.
Not as many as I would think.
I guess this is kind of the farm-to-table crowd, so...
We're talking fingers, am I right?
Fingers, you know, acoustic. Is that what you guys are doing?
How many guys have seen a woman use a vibrator? Get that hand up.
Go ahead, buddy. Come on, yes.
How many...
How many women have seen a guy use a vacuum?
- Yeah.
Weird, isn't it?
One time a woman asked me if I enjoyed watching
and I had to give her an answer, you know, because she was a judge.
But other than that...
Guess what's back in style? That's right.
Bush is back and better than ever.
Who's in? I'm in.
Anybody? Oh, yeah.
In the back. Exactly.
How about the balcony, pro-bush?
- Yeah, you're into it.
Here you go. Keep it down, the VIPs wanna listen.
All right. Here we go.
Bush. Mmm.
How do I like it? I like it big.
Bigger than you're thinking.
- I like it big.
I like it so big I can't see her balls.
That's what I say.
Because balls are ugly. Am I right, Gus, Tom, or Billy?
I mean, they just are ugly.
Balls are the ugliest thing I've ever put on my chin.
I can't have that.
You gotta know what you're doing.
Like, going down, I'm not that good at it.
Even though I look like I'll eat fries out of the garbage,
I'm not that good at it.
Let's go around the room now, focus group this.
Let's get it going.
How many guys think they're good at it?
- Yeah, okay.
And what's the technique? Would do you guys do?
What did you say? Alphabet?
I'm not an alphabet guy.
I'm a Roman numeral man.
- Yeah.
I... I... I...
I gotta go.
I'm not good at it.
I eat pussy like a deer drinks from a stream during hunting season.
I'm terrified but I'm thirsty.
I'm like, lick, lick, did you hear that?
Then I run out and get hit by a truck.
Thank you.
Let's talk tech, and this is a tech town if ever there was one.
They got this app that tells you how much you weigh on other planets.
Have you guys seen this?
Oh, it is awesome.
What it is is you put your weight in on Earth,
and... [mumbling] ...something Jewish,
it tells you...
...how would you weigh on another planet. How cool is that?
So you guys are fun, let's work on this, okay?
On Earth, I weigh about 160 and change, you know?
Now yell out some planets.
- Let's hear it.
Woah. Woah, woah.
That is a lot of planets.
Let's split the difference. Okay.
Puerto Rico.
Now in Puerto Rico...
I weigh about 160 and change.
And my name's Kiki and I like pegging.
- So there you go.
It's all right.
You've given it more than it deserved, but thank you.
What I'm trying to say is virtual learning didn't work, am I right?
I can say this as a virtual janitor.
These kids are dumb and weak.
They need to get out there and really experience life, am I right?
You know what I'm talking about. Summer camp.
- How many people went to camp here?
Yeah.
Nice.
Now they've got this camp called Space Camp.
Do you know what that is?
It's a special camp for these kids who want to be astronauts,
A-K-A, can't run, throw, catch, or paddle a canoe.
These uber-nerds are going to wheeze their way to the stars.
No, I'm not putting them down, I'm jealous 'cause I couldn't go.
I was too old so I just observed all this from my van.
But either way...
Now I didn't go to Space Camp.
I went to Boy Scout camp,
where I learned to keep a secret.
That's right.
- That's right. I was in the Boy Scouts.
I was in the Boy Scouts.
Even though I look like I run a GameStop in Syria, I was in the Scouts.
Even though I look like I put the "ha" in Hamas, I was in the Boy Scouts.
Boy Scouts of America, you're not allowed to say that anymore, it's triggering.
I think now they're called the, uh, Proud Boys. Yeah.
Awesome.
I was proud and I was a boy.
Out in those woods.
In those scary woods.
Two biggest fears in the woods, what are they?
That's right. Bear attack. Yeah.
And who said it up there? Yep.
Scoutmaster fucking you.
- Yeah. Nailed it.
And the best thing to do in both situations?
Play dead, and I did.
Finally, a crowd that gets it.
We're doubling down. More scout stories, here they come.
One time I went to a Boy Scout jamboree. Do you know what that is?
That's a buffet of boys, yes.
Boys, boys, boys, wherever you looked.
Chopping wood, tying knots.
You could say it, yum, boys.
We were camped in the middle of a baseball field
during a lightning storm.
A tactical mistake.
Huddled together, terrified.
Then our scoutmaster came over to calm us.
He goes, "Boys, don't worry about that lightning."
"I'm going to teach you the 30 rule."
"When you hear thunder, count backwards from 30."
"And when you hit one,
put your cock in my mouth."
And you know what?
We did not lose one boy that weekend. That's right.
We all made it home.
Some of us went on to musical theater.
This crowd loves the great outdoors.
And I gotta tell you, when I was gonna do a special,
I said, what town am I going to do it in? And you know what I said? San Francisco.
- Yeah.
I had to do it here.
Cobb's, always good to me.
You guys, always there for me.
How can we not take it to the next level?
We have to.
This crowd, we are synced up.
And you know what? This country needs some of that too.
We're all divided.
We need common ground.
We gotta come together.
A mutual experience will do it.
And I got it, okay?
As Americans, we all kinda sorta know how to play the recorder.
Now...
This is mine.
May I?
Here we go.
Then the white man came.
- You know?
Thank you, everyone.
Sorry, you play the recorder,
you gotta say something a little, you know, thoughtful.
- You can't be like, you know...
You eating that?
I mean, it doesn't work.
This is the recorder,
or as they call it in the Middle East, the saxophone.
Now...
I'm gonna take you through it
'cause I know we got a lot of homeschoolers in the room
who never played the recorder.
It's a musical instrument.
It's somewhere between a flute and a bong, all right?
And there's three pieces, the head, the shaft, and the taint.
And...
I've played this out of every hole in my body and...
Sometimes I like to play it in my own shadow.
Till one of us comes.
Now...
I get it, guys. I know this looks like a talent show at a shelter.
I understand that.
Sometimes I like to play at the clinic when the results come in.
Sometimes I play in the park as they pull down the statues.
But mostly I play at Trader Joe's till they give me something to walk away.
So...
Here I am having all the fun playing the recorder.
Now I want you to look under your seats. Go ahead, look under your seats.
Yes.
Yes, a recorder.
Oh my God.
It's out of control in here.
Calm down, Miss. Calm down.
I knew I left that somewhere.
- Sorry about that.
Wow.
- This goes right back on my dashboard.
Now if you play the recorder, there's one tune you have to play.
- Do you know what it is? "Hot cross buns."
"Hot cross buns." Who said it?
Yeah. Tonight when you go home make sure you high-five your cat
because you know what?
That is the "Anna Goda Davida" of the recorder.
- Can we hit the screen back here?
Let's do it. Projector it up. There it is.
And I see there's one guy in the back wearing a mask.
Thank you for that.
We need someone to live to tell the story, so thank you, sir.
This is going to get ugly.
We're going to do it all together. Here we go. Ready?
We did it!
You guys are awesome.
This is something that I've only seen when I was in a K-hole.
This is great.
Anybody can play the recorder,
but how many people can play
two?
- Well, here we go.
Now the last time I did this the entire front row had to get tested.
All right?
I'm not going to stop till you tase me.
Sorry.
I don't know what happened, but my catheter popped out.
That's it for me. Thank you, guys.
Good night.
We did it.
You know what? Skyler, let's walk through the crowd.
This crowd's awesome. Bring up the lights.
It's great to see the cast of Yellowstone. Take a look.
Guys, thanks for coming.
Remember, it's about the water rights.
See, when you play the recorder no one will ask you to stop
'cause they think if you have a recorder you also have a knife.
- So, back it up, Skyler. Let's back it up.
Ladies, how are you?
Everything okay? Thanks for coming in.
I know you have to get up early and rename a public school.
- Either way...
How's it going, guys?
I don't know what season of BattleBots you guys are on,
but you really crushed it.
What's happening here?
- Blow. - Blow. Okay.
Blow.
I'm sorry, but I do it a little toothy,
so here we go.
How are you, sir?
I didn't know Putin had a son.
- Either way, thank you.
I'm calling in a drone strike. Either way...
Give that man a cigar.
Good night.
I know what I'm doing.