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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[cheers]
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{\an8}[host] San Francisco!
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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{\an8}How are y'all doing tonight?
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{\an8}[audience whistling]
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{\an8}[host] Ladies and gentlemen,
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Dave Attell!
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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Welcome to the special.
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[audience continues cheering]
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[whistling]
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Thank you.
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Hey, I hope I can live up
to that four-man standing ovation.
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[audience laughing]
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Yeah.
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- [man] We love you, Dave!
- Oh, dude. This is it now.
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And you know,
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even though I look
like I run my own escape room,
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I want you to know this.
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You can leave whenever you want.
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[audience laughing]
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I see everyone's having a drink,
and I like that too.
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Now there's a couple of drinks
you gotta watch out for.
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One of them,
White Claw Hard Seltzer. Yeah.
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I've been around for a while, guys.
This is the hardest of the seltzers.
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[audience laughing]
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And hard seltzer is the gateway drink
to a soft penis.
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- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
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That's right.
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If you're up for a night of apologies,
and "this never happens to me" and...
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[audience laughing]
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...maybe, just maybe a game of Uno,
then that's the drink for you.
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[audience laughing]
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But I see a lot of couples in the room
and I'm a little jealous cause, um,
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I met a girl in Texas
and I was going to fly her into this show,
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but her flight was canceled,
so I guess we're going to have that kid.
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- And you know... Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
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Let it out. You got that one.
I know you got that.
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[audience cheering]
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Oh, that's all right.
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[audience whistling]
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That joke's about flying, everyone.
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Yeah.
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Everyone hates a connecting flight.
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Worst connecting flight I ever had
was three years ago.
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Yeah, it was, um,
Wuhan to Brazil to Florida, and...
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- [audience laughing]
- Yeah.
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Got on with a scratchy throat,
got off with a high fever.
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Didn't think much of it.
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Got on a Megabus and hit Washington DC.
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[audience laughing]
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I was just in Washington DC
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and I gotta tell you
it is so much different
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from when I stormed it, you know?
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- [audience laughing]
- Come on.
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I know how I look. Come on, guys.
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[chuckling] I know.
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I have that January 6 look.
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I get it, okay?
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[audience laughing]
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But relax, I'm a Biden man, all right?
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Yeah. Hunter Biden.
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- [audience laughing]
- Now, thank you.
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Nice one.
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[audience applauding]
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I'm in San Diego, which is my
most favorite town in Mexico
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and you know, oh...
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[audience cheering]
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That's where SeaWorld is.
Do you know SeaWorld?
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The aquatic Auschwitz.
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- [audience laughing]
- Either way, yeah.
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A big puddle of sad if you ask me.
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Now I'm not an ocean guy, all right?
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Even though I look like I know my way
around a tugboat.
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I'm not an ocean guy.
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[audience laughing]
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Hey, you know what?
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You see me in the ocean,
I'm going to the bathroom. Yeah.
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[audience laughing]
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I was down at the Wharf. Have you been
down there? Fisherman's Wharf?
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Oh my God.
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I think I did it.
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That is the only place
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where you can step
in dog, man, and seal shit.
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- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
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Yeah, the trifecta, I did it.
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Dog, man, seal.
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Wow.
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Don't you think once you do all three,
dog, man, and seal,
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the mayor should come out and shake
your hand, like, "Hey, you know what..."
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[audience chuckling]
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I was hit by a bicycle.
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Yeah. No.
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No, it was my fault.
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It was my fault.
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I was standing on the sidewalk.
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I mean, you know...
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[audience laughing]
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You stand on the sidewalk,
you get hit by a bike.
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I mean, what?
That's the world we live in now.
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And the guy who hit me was
a food delivery guy. Yeah.
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A third responder.
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That's right.
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[audience laughing]
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These guys are heroes delivering
heroes to heroes.
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Yeah. Applaud them.
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[audience cheering]
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It's really tough 'cause
there's no late-night food anymore.
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It's all gone.
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I don't know when it happened,
but no food after 11.
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You don't believe me?
I'll take it through it, okay?
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I'm in Milwaukee, which is a great town.
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Milwaukee, great town, no late-night food,
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which kind of explains Jeffrey Dahmer.
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- Now...
- [audience laughing]
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Hey...
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This guy was a monster, all right?
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I am not condoning anything he did.
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But you get hungry, am I right?
I mean, come on.
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[audience laughing]
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All I'm saying is pack a snack, all right?
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[audience laughing]
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Now I do trail mix. Anybody?
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I always travel with a bag of trail mix,
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the most unsatisfying snack, am I right?
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I mean, honestly, let's call it
what it really is. Are you ready?
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Not enough M&Ms.
I mean, that's what trail mix is.
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[audience laughing]
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Every handful is just another handful
of disappointment. Am I right?
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It's kind of like the hug of a stepdad.
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- I mean, it just doesn't...
- [audience laughing]
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Yeah. I knew we had a couple
of broken toys in the room.
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This crowd is hot.
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I mean, you guys are
really doing it for me.
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[audience cheering]
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Today... Yeah, it's good.
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It's all good.
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[audience cheering]
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Today I, um, I treated myself
to a little trip to Subway.
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You know it? The sandwich shop.
Yeah, it's open, full capacity, and um...
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[audience laughing]
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I go in and it's just me and the guy
making the sandwiches, you know?
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And I'm like, dude, this is awesome.
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I can't believe it,
it's just you and me in here.
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[audience chuckling]
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Take the gloves off.
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- All right, yeah.
- [audience laughing]
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Bareback me a sandwich.
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I said it.
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I'm not making it up, I said it.
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Raw dog me a BLT, come on!
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[audience laughing]
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I wanna feel you on that meat!
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[audience laughing]
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Oh. They know
what they're doing over there.
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I had a 6-inch,
but I swear to God, 12 came out.
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It was that good.
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Boom. I'm crushing it, am I right?
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Killing it here tonight.
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And even though you guys kind of
have the energy of a Salesforce meeting,
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I really appreciate you coming in here.
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[audience cheering]
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You all right? Good.
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[audience laughing]
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[Attell chuckles]
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Oh, guys. I'll never forget
where I was when the Queen went down.
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Yeah.
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[audience laughing]
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I went down to Burger King.
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[audience laughing]
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People were so upset they were ripping
the crowns from their heads.
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[audience laughing]
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One guy was so distraught
he jumped behind the counter
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and pistol-whipped the cashier
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as he screamed, "mo' ketchups."
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Now,
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mo' ketchups.
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She would have wanted it that way.
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[audience laughing]
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Mo' ketchups.
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If that isn't a catchphrase, what is?
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[audience laughing]
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All the great catchphrases
have been taken, am I right?
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Like, um, Dyn-O-Mite,
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or um, Talk to the Hand,
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or um, Allah Akbar.
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All the good ones are gone.
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- [man] Shit.
- [audience laughing]
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Let it out.
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You know who's my queen?
I'll tell you who's my queen. My mom.
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She's 87 years old.
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Yeah.
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[audience cheering]
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87 years old.
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No, you don't have to applaud,
she's not trans.
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But um...
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[audience laughing]
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87 years old, people.
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I'm a good son, people.
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You know what I did for my mom?
I built her a ramp, yeah.
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It was time for her to come back in.
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- That's right.
- [audience laughing]
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For two years she was feral
and wild, living in the yard.
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She was naked, I was afraid.
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[audience laughing]
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But now she's back in
and better than ever.
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[audience chuckling]
209
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Old people.
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They need companionship.
211
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Loneliness, that's right,
is one of the big killers of the elderly.
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Loneliness, and salt.
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- Loneliness.
- [audience laughing]
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I'm a good son.
I would not put up with that.
215
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You know what I did?
I signed her up for OnlyFans.
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- Yeah, that's what I did.
- [audience laughing]
217
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I did the photography.
218
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[audience laughing]
219
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I took a tasteful pic,
I'm talking very tasteful,
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of her trying to get out
of her shower chair.
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And you know what?
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[audience laughing]
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Like a mermaid.
224
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- Yes.
- [audience laughing]
225
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She looked like a mermaid.
226
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By that, I mean wet and she couldn't walk.
227
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Either way...
228
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[audience laughing]
229
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Can't a boy love his mother anymore?
230
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Is that a crime?
231
00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:53,759
- [audience cheering]
- Thank you. Thank you.
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My mom sprained her arm
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and now it's in a sling
and you're not allowed to touch it.
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So I'm a good son.
You know what I did for her?
235
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I bought her a falcon.
236
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Yeah.
237
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:10,192
[audience laughing]
238
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[chuckling] He guards his arm.
239
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Relax, that joke sucks. Either way...
240
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[audience laughing]
241
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When I was a boy,
my mom used to read me Dr Seuss.
242
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,663
Now I know that's considered hate speech.
243
00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:24,373
I mean, I know it right now.
244
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:26,417
So forgive me in advance,
245
00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:29,837
but back then it was just a mom
and this boy enjoying some reading.
246
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She would read me some Dr Seuss
right before bed.
247
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She would read me Dr Seuss,
kiss me on the forehead,
248
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seig heil me and turn out the light.
249
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,178
And you know what?
250
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:39,472
[audience laughing]
251
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:40,389
[Attell laughs]
252
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I was her little führer.
253
00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:42,850
Either way...
254
00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:44,352
[audience laughing]
255
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:49,398
Guys, racism is wrong no matter
how funny and dead-on it is
256
00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:50,816
so don't do it, all right?
257
00:10:50,816 --> 00:10:52,318
[audience laughing]
258
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:55,780
Like this next couple of jokes.
259
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:56,822
Here we go.
260
00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:58,532
[audience laughing and cheering]
261
00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:01,243
We live in a crazy world, guys.
262
00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,537
And you know who I have my eye on?
263
00:11:03,537 --> 00:11:06,624
I'll tell you who I got my eye
on right now, this Kim Jong Un.
264
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:07,541
Yeah.
265
00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:09,126
And I'm going to say it tonight.
266
00:11:09,126 --> 00:11:12,004
I don't care if I lose
my entire North Korean fan base.
267
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,214
I don't give a shit.
268
00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:14,507
[audience laughing]
269
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:18,177
I don't care if I never work
Panmunjom again.
270
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:19,095
[audience laughing]
271
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,430
That's the Sacramento of North Korea,
all right?
272
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:24,266
[audience laughing and cheering]
273
00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:27,603
This Kim Jong is a meanie.
274
00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:29,271
He is a mean mean.
275
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:31,273
But he looks so ticklish.
276
00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:32,525
I mean, look at him.
277
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,318
[audience laughing]
278
00:11:34,318 --> 00:11:36,987
Don't you just want
to tickle, tickle, tickle him till he
279
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:40,199
queefs duck sauce all over the dojo mat?
280
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:41,784
[audience laughing]
281
00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:43,160
It's over now.
282
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,078
It's over, guys.
283
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:46,205
[audience laughing]
284
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:48,541
Thank you.
285
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:50,876
I love it, guys.
286
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:52,253
[audience chuckling]
287
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:57,133
I've got to give a shout-out to my man
Optimus Prime for turning into a stage
288
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,175
and um...
289
00:11:58,175 --> 00:12:00,553
[audience laughing]
290
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:03,806
You know, since I'm the only comic
in America who doesn't have a podcast,
291
00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:05,182
this is my moment, all right?
292
00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:06,934
- Here we go.
- [audience cheering]
293
00:12:06,934 --> 00:12:07,935
Vape.
294
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:09,729
Vape.
295
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,398
Vaping is killing people.
296
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:17,403
We're losing an entire generation
of Joshuas, Noahs, and Logans to vaping.
297
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:18,904
[audience laughing]
298
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:21,574
Think about the scooters
that will never be scooted.
299
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,243
- [audience laughing]
- [Attell chuckles]
300
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:27,037
The TikTok challenges
that will never be answered.
301
00:12:27,037 --> 00:12:28,539
[audience laughing]
302
00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:31,125
Dying of vape is the lamest of all deaths.
303
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:35,129
Dying of vape is like drowning
in an above-ground pool.
304
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:36,630
[audience laughing]
305
00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:39,550
You could have stopped swimming
and walked to the ladder.
306
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:42,052
But you were too proud. Now you're dead.
307
00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:43,596
[audience laughing]
308
00:12:44,388 --> 00:12:46,932
Do you think if you drown
in an above-ground pool you go to heaven?
309
00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:47,892
I don't think so.
310
00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:50,561
- [audience laughing]
- [Attell chuckling]
311
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:54,482
I think you go right back
to Bakersfield and start again.
312
00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:57,067
There you go.
It's a local joke. It's a local joke.
313
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,861
- [audience laughing]
- Easy.
314
00:12:58,861 --> 00:12:59,779
Easy.
315
00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:04,492
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
316
00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:08,162
That's the part
of California no one knows.
317
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:09,455
[audience laughing]
318
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:12,041
That's where the almonds come from, yeah.
319
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:16,837
I was out that way,
I went to a strip club, not the best.
320
00:13:16,837 --> 00:13:18,756
That's what it was called, Not the Best.
321
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:21,091
[audience laughing]
322
00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:23,677
There were some rough
and ready ladies in there,
323
00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:25,638
tatted from head to toe.
324
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,306
Do you guys like tats?
325
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:29,558
- You do, don't you?
- [man] Yeah.
326
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:33,354
Aren't tattoos way more erotic
than unexplained bruises?
327
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:34,271
Am I right?
328
00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:35,231
Yeah, they are.
329
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:36,232
You know they are.
330
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:38,317
[audience laughing]
331
00:13:39,568 --> 00:13:41,695
One of the ladies had
a big owl tattoo on her back,
332
00:13:41,695 --> 00:13:43,531
which I thought was kind of classy,
333
00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:46,242
but underneath was written,
"Hoo's next?"
334
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:48,369
And I didn't like it. Nice one.
335
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:50,454
[audience laughing]
336
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:55,626
I met someone on one of these apps,
I think it was, uh, CarMax,
337
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:57,711
and you know, yeah...
338
00:13:58,546 --> 00:14:00,422
she was old and I was old,
339
00:14:00,422 --> 00:14:01,966
and we really went at it.
340
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,926
Old on old, have you seen it?
341
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,054
You'll smell it before you see it,
I'll tell you that.
342
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:14,395
She knew what she was doing.
She got on top of me, yeah, and rode me.
343
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:15,896
She rode me, people, yeah.
344
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,315
Not like a horse.
That's for young people, no.
345
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:20,401
She rode me like a bus.
346
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,069
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
347
00:14:22,069 --> 00:14:25,114
She just sat there
wearing her coat, holding her bags.
348
00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:27,491
[audience laughing]
349
00:14:27,491 --> 00:14:30,077
- For like an hour and a half.
- [audience laughing]
350
00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:32,162
An hour and a half, everyone.
351
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,164
I didn't want to wake her.
352
00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:35,666
[audience laughing]
353
00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:39,795
[cell phone ringing like a siren]
354
00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:43,674
Oh, awesome.
I just moved up on the kidney list.
355
00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:44,675
Yeah.
356
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:46,760
[audience laughing]
357
00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:51,974
Now, I never lie to the crowd,
so I might as well tell you.
358
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:55,686
This is performance-enhanced.
You know that right now, right?
359
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:58,981
Right before I hit the stage,
I popped a Centrum Silver.
360
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:00,858
- Did you know that?
- [audience laughing]
361
00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:02,985
- That's a multivitamin.
- [audience cheering]
362
00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:07,239
Yep. I've got a bukkake of health
and nutrition coursing through my body.
363
00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:10,409
[Attell chuckling]
364
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:14,622
I have the prostate
of a 21-year-old pick a pronoun.
365
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:15,623
But you know what?
366
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,207
[audience laughing]
367
00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:20,377
I take vitamins every day.
I know they don't really work.
368
00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:22,171
They're kind of like prayers.
369
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:23,213
But you know what?
370
00:15:23,213 --> 00:15:25,299
[audience laughing]
371
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,719
Tummy prayers, that's what I call them.
372
00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:36,226
Relax, everyone.
I'm talking about selfish prayers.
373
00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:37,895
They don't work, okay?
374
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:40,189
Prayers for the world, they're working.
Look outside.
375
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:41,148
Am I right?
376
00:15:41,148 --> 00:15:44,234
[audience laughing]
377
00:15:44,234 --> 00:15:46,153
It's fantastic out there.
378
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:47,446
Here's a little story.
379
00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:52,576
I'm sitting at the dog park 'cause when
I sit at the playground, things happen.
380
00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:54,370
- [audience laughing]
- And um, yeah...
381
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:55,746
I get it.
382
00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:59,792
I'm serious, I can clear a playground
in like three minutes, honestly.
383
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:00,834
[audience laughing]
384
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:05,673
You know what weather I look the best in?
385
00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:06,590
The fog.
386
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:08,550
That's really where I look the best.
387
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:11,095
I'm serious. In the fog holding a lantern.
388
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,429
[audience laughing]
389
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:13,681
Who goes there?
390
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:17,518
- Friend or foe?
- [audience laughing]
391
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:19,353
You know, fog talk.
392
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,649
[man] Yeah!
393
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,067
Better late than never.
394
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:26,944
[audience laughing]
395
00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:28,404
[Attell] I love you, buddy.
396
00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:30,072
I will give you that ride to rehab.
397
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,657
San Diego, here we go.
398
00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:33,158
[audience laughing]
399
00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:34,410
You ever do mushrooms?
400
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,078
- [audience cheering]
- [Attell] Yeah.
401
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,956
I know in this town, mushrooms...
yeah, exactly.
402
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:41,333
You all got to do them,
it's like jury duty.
403
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,334
Either way...
404
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:43,419
[audience laughing]
405
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:48,340
One time I took mushrooms
and I went to a petting zoo, I think.
406
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:50,968
Or maybe it was a poorly-guarded farm.
407
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:53,762
- I'm not exactly sure what it was.
- [audience laughing]
408
00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:55,305
But there were animals there.
409
00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:59,351
And I didn't go empty-handed.
I brought a bag of baby carrots with me.
410
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:01,937
The wet ones,
you know what I'm talking about?
411
00:17:03,063 --> 00:17:05,858
Baby carrots at a petting zoo, awesome.
412
00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:07,860
They were into it.
413
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:10,446
Now at first, I was a little nervous.
414
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:11,613
Okay, it's late.
415
00:17:11,613 --> 00:17:14,908
So I just put a baby carrot in my hand
and I put it over a fence,
416
00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:16,285
and closed my eyes.
417
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:18,912
And something ate it, all right?
418
00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:22,374
You guys have been downtown.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
419
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:24,460
[audience laughing]
420
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:27,296
Then I got a little bold.
421
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,298
I put one in my mouth. I did.
422
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:30,716
And I lean in.
423
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:33,010
Out of the dark this goat,
this big old goat,
424
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,220
comes right
and he eats it right outta my mouth.
425
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,306
Like he's giving me a little kiss.
426
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:38,891
[audience laughing]
427
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,809
Now would you quit? 'Cause I didn't.
428
00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:42,561
[audience laughing]
429
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,438
I've got a big bag of baby carrots.
430
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:47,149
I put one in this ear, one in that ear,
431
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,318
and this goat had a buddy.
432
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:50,486
He had a friend,
433
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:53,906
and they both came at me at the same time
and they started nibbling it outta my ear,
434
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,241
like they were telling me a secret.
435
00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:58,619
[audience laughing]
436
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:02,414
Now I can't be the only one in this room
who's been Eiffel Towered by two goats.
437
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:03,624
That's impossible.
438
00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:05,709
[audience laughing]
439
00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:10,923
Then the mushrooms kicked in, all right?
440
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,800
[audience laughing]
441
00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:17,096
Now I've got five baby carrots
in my asshole, all right?
442
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,181
I've got five in my A. Yeah.
443
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:23,143
And you're like, "Dave,
how do you do five? I can only do three."
444
00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:24,478
[audience laughing]
445
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:26,730
You gotta train with a sweet potato
446
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:29,817
- You gotta do it. Train like you fight.
- [audience laughing]
447
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,488
Now I never thought
a goat could call a cop,
448
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:35,906
but either way...
449
00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:37,991
[audience laughing]
450
00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:45,374
As they led me away, I swear to God
I heard, "Mo' ketchups."
451
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:47,167
- Now...
- [audience applauding]
452
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:48,085
Thank you.
453
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:50,629
I'm not much of a storyteller,
454
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:53,382
but you guys were there
with me the whole way through.
455
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:54,800
[audience cheering]
456
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:55,801
Thank you, buddy.
457
00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:59,429
You're too good to me.
458
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,808
You know what I'm trying to say
with that joke? I'm lonely.
459
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:05,644
What does real loneliness look like?
I'll tell you.
460
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:07,938
Your own reflection in a microwave door.
461
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:10,190
- That's what it looks like.
- [audience laughing]
462
00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:13,235
That sad face, staring at it.
463
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:15,320
Turn, turn, turn!
464
00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:17,656
Turn into a woman, do it!
465
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:18,866
[audience laughing]
466
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:25,998
Oh. You guys are really...
you're cheering me up, that's for sure.
467
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,791
[audience laughing]
468
00:19:27,791 --> 00:19:29,459
The other days I had it bad.
469
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:31,086
Yeah, I had it real bad the other day.
470
00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:33,505
I was sitting in my car,
windows up, engine on,
471
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:36,258
letting the carbon monoxide do its job.
472
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,051
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
473
00:19:38,051 --> 00:19:40,596
And just as I was about to go out,
I'm talking final exit,
474
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:42,973
that's when God sent me the angel.
475
00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:45,517
And the angel just knocked on my window
476
00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:48,061
and said, "Are you my Uber?"
477
00:19:48,061 --> 00:19:49,938
And then I drove the angel. Yeah.
478
00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:52,024
[audience laughing]
479
00:19:54,985 --> 00:19:56,528
Let's talk money now. Are you ready?
480
00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:58,405
Let's do it. Here it comes.
481
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:01,033
A lot of people do crypto.
I don't do that shit.
482
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,367
I don't do it, people.
483
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:03,577
I'm old-school.
484
00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:04,536
I metal detect.
485
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:06,747
- Anybody else metal detectors?
- [audience laughing]
486
00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:09,541
Metal detecting. That's right, guys.
487
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,627
Even though I'm dressed
for collecting cans,
488
00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:13,086
I'm a metal detector man.
489
00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:14,504
[audience laughing]
490
00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:16,548
Where are the other metal detector guys?
491
00:20:17,674 --> 00:20:19,301
Thank you, brother. Yeah.
492
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:23,013
It's mysterious, isn't it?
Another treasure hunter in the room.
493
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:23,931
[chuckling] Yes.
494
00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:25,599
Cans on, stick on the ground.
495
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:27,684
[whirring]
496
00:20:27,684 --> 00:20:29,770
[audience laughing]
497
00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:35,025
I'm gonna give you guys a peek into
the mysterious world of metal detection.
498
00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,401
Here it comes.
499
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:39,821
Here's something you'll never hear
a metal detector guy say. Ready?
500
00:20:39,821 --> 00:20:42,991
"Well, I'd better be getting home.
She's probably worried about me."
501
00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:43,909
You know?
502
00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:45,869
[audience laughing]
503
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,247
There is no home and there is no she.
504
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,207
[audience laughing]
505
00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:55,045
You just keep going and going
and going till the battery dies.
506
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,341
NFTs, you know what I'm talking about?
507
00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:00,259
I don't do that.
508
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,718
Okay? I'm old.
509
00:21:01,718 --> 00:21:02,928
I do it old-school.
510
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:06,598
I buy and sell ivory.
511
00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:07,766
Yeah.
512
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:09,851
[audience laughing]
513
00:21:10,394 --> 00:21:11,645
[Attell chuckling]
514
00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:14,189
It's a joke. Relax.
515
00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:15,190
It's a joke.
516
00:21:15,190 --> 00:21:16,483
[audience laughing]
517
00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:19,903
I'm just kidding around. It's a joke.
518
00:21:19,903 --> 00:21:22,948
And some jokes should only be told
on the deck of a whaling boat.
519
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:24,866
- I get it.
- [audience laughing]
520
00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:29,204
How did I make my money? How did I do it?
521
00:21:29,204 --> 00:21:32,165
Stock market! Yeah.
Don't listen to the experts.
522
00:21:32,165 --> 00:21:33,166
They're chumps.
523
00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:36,086
Go with your gut, see which way
the wind's blowing. Go all in.
524
00:21:36,086 --> 00:21:37,504
[audience chuckling]
525
00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:40,048
Three years ago I saw
what was happening and I did it.
526
00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:42,592
I put every cent I had,
I'm talking everything,
527
00:21:42,592 --> 00:21:43,885
into Confederate flags.
528
00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:44,803
Yeah.
529
00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:47,597
- [audience laughing]
- Crushing it!
530
00:21:50,517 --> 00:21:52,853
I heard that if you come
on a Confederate flag and bury it,
531
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:54,855
a Cracker Barrell will grow. Is that true?
532
00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:57,149
- [audience laughing]
- Boom.
533
00:22:00,277 --> 00:22:01,278
Get a test.
534
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:02,279
All right.
535
00:22:02,279 --> 00:22:04,698
[audience laughing]
536
00:22:04,698 --> 00:22:06,074
[Attell chuckling]
537
00:22:06,950 --> 00:22:09,369
You gotta love that Cracker Barrell.
Am I right?
538
00:22:09,369 --> 00:22:11,204
Southern cooking. Mmm!
539
00:22:11,705 --> 00:22:14,207
It is amazing what you'll eat
when you don't believe in evolution.
540
00:22:14,207 --> 00:22:15,125
That's for sure.
541
00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:17,210
- [audience laughing]
- [Attell chuckling]
542
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,256
Porn, yes or no?
543
00:22:21,256 --> 00:22:24,134
[audience cheering]
544
00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:26,094
People, we're talking porn.
545
00:22:26,094 --> 00:22:28,638
Now do I watch porn?
Is that what you wanna know?
546
00:22:28,638 --> 00:22:29,598
Yes.
547
00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:33,060
I watch porn, but not as much
as I look like I watch, all right?
548
00:22:33,060 --> 00:22:34,519
[audience laughing]
549
00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:37,189
I only watch it
till the library closes, okay?
550
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:38,607
[audience laughing]
551
00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:44,196
Everybody's in these three-ways now.
552
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,073
How many people have had a three-way here?
553
00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:47,908
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah? Okay.
554
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:50,243
Here's a little heads-up.
If you see me with two women,
555
00:22:50,243 --> 00:22:52,204
that's a wellness check, all right?
556
00:22:52,204 --> 00:22:53,622
[audience laughing]
557
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:58,585
Rough play. Anybody, rough play here?
558
00:22:58,585 --> 00:23:00,212
Yeah. Okay, cool.
559
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:02,381
BDSM, do you know what I'm talking about?
560
00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:03,340
Bondage.
561
00:23:04,007 --> 00:23:07,177
One time a woman on the web wanted
to tie me to a mortgage.
562
00:23:07,677 --> 00:23:08,720
But other than that...
563
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,806
[audience laughing]
564
00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:16,520
What's going on now is
there's a renaissance of sex toys.
565
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:17,854
Do you know what I'm saying?
566
00:23:17,854 --> 00:23:19,773
Sex toys. Watch this.
567
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,900
How many women own a vibrator?
568
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,819
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah. There you go.
569
00:23:23,819 --> 00:23:25,654
Not as many as I would think.
570
00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:28,990
I guess this is kind of
the farm-to-table crowd, so...
571
00:23:28,990 --> 00:23:30,325
[audience laughing]
572
00:23:30,325 --> 00:23:32,244
We're talking fingers, am I right?
573
00:23:33,870 --> 00:23:36,623
Fingers, you know, acoustic.
Is that what you guys are doing?
574
00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:39,126
[audience laughing]
575
00:23:40,669 --> 00:23:43,964
How many guys have seen
a woman use a vibrator? Get that hand up.
576
00:23:43,964 --> 00:23:45,757
Go ahead, buddy. Come on, yes.
577
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:47,134
How many...
578
00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:50,262
How many women have seen
a guy use a vacuum?
579
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:51,972
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
580
00:23:51,972 --> 00:23:53,014
Weird, isn't it?
581
00:23:54,891 --> 00:23:57,227
One time a woman asked me
if I enjoyed watching
582
00:23:57,227 --> 00:24:00,021
and I had to give her an answer, you know,
because she was a judge.
583
00:24:00,021 --> 00:24:01,106
But other than that...
584
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:02,524
[audience laughing]
585
00:24:04,651 --> 00:24:06,361
Guess what's back in style? That's right.
586
00:24:06,361 --> 00:24:09,030
Bush is back and better than ever.
587
00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:10,157
Who's in? I'm in.
588
00:24:10,157 --> 00:24:11,867
Anybody? Oh, yeah.
589
00:24:11,867 --> 00:24:13,076
In the back. Exactly.
590
00:24:13,076 --> 00:24:15,203
How about the balcony, pro-bush?
591
00:24:15,203 --> 00:24:17,122
- Yeah, you're into it.
- [audience cheering]
592
00:24:17,122 --> 00:24:19,416
Here you go. Keep it down,
the VIPs wanna listen.
593
00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:20,375
All right. Here we go.
594
00:24:20,375 --> 00:24:22,461
[audience laughing]
595
00:24:23,753 --> 00:24:25,672
Bush. Mmm.
596
00:24:25,672 --> 00:24:27,507
How do I like it? I like it big.
597
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:30,010
Bigger than you're thinking.
598
00:24:30,010 --> 00:24:31,470
- I like it big.
- [audience laughing]
599
00:24:32,387 --> 00:24:34,931
I like it so big I can't see her balls.
600
00:24:34,931 --> 00:24:35,932
That's what I say.
601
00:24:35,932 --> 00:24:37,726
[audience laughing]
602
00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:41,313
Because balls are ugly.
Am I right, Gus, Tom, or Billy?
603
00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:43,148
I mean, they just are ugly.
604
00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:44,357
[audience laughing]
605
00:24:44,357 --> 00:24:47,194
Balls are the ugliest thing
I've ever put on my chin.
606
00:24:47,194 --> 00:24:48,320
I can't have that.
607
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:49,404
[audience laughing]
608
00:24:51,239 --> 00:24:52,866
[Attell] You gotta know what you're doing.
609
00:24:52,866 --> 00:24:54,659
Like, going down, I'm not that good at it.
610
00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:57,454
Even though I look like I'll eat fries
out of the garbage,
611
00:24:57,454 --> 00:24:58,788
I'm not that good at it.
612
00:24:58,788 --> 00:25:00,207
[audience laughing]
613
00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:02,667
Let's go around the room now,
focus group this.
614
00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:04,211
Let's get it going.
615
00:25:04,961 --> 00:25:06,671
How many guys think they're good at it?
616
00:25:07,255 --> 00:25:09,132
- Yeah, okay.
- [audience cheers]
617
00:25:09,132 --> 00:25:11,551
And what's the technique?
Would do you guys do?
618
00:25:12,719 --> 00:25:14,262
What did you say? Alphabet?
619
00:25:14,262 --> 00:25:15,847
I'm not an alphabet guy.
620
00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:17,307
I'm a Roman numeral man.
621
00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:18,725
- Yeah.
- [audience laughing]
622
00:25:18,725 --> 00:25:21,520
I... I... I...
623
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,146
I gotta go.
624
00:25:23,688 --> 00:25:25,899
[audience laughing]
625
00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:26,942
I'm not good at it.
626
00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:31,029
I eat pussy like a deer drinks
from a stream during hunting season.
627
00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:32,614
[audience laughing]
628
00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:34,699
I'm terrified but I'm thirsty.
629
00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:36,326
[audience laughing]
630
00:25:36,326 --> 00:25:38,662
I'm like, lick, lick, did you hear that?
631
00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:39,996
[audience laughing]
632
00:25:39,996 --> 00:25:41,998
Then I run out and get hit by a truck.
633
00:25:41,998 --> 00:25:44,084
[audience laughing]
634
00:25:45,293 --> 00:25:46,127
Thank you.
635
00:25:47,003 --> 00:25:50,131
Let's talk tech, and this is a tech town
if ever there was one.
636
00:25:50,131 --> 00:25:53,343
They got this app that tells you
how much you weigh on other planets.
637
00:25:53,343 --> 00:25:54,636
Have you guys seen this?
638
00:25:54,636 --> 00:25:56,513
Oh, it is awesome.
639
00:25:57,222 --> 00:25:59,266
What it is is you put your weight
in on Earth,
640
00:25:59,266 --> 00:26:01,518
and... [mumbling] ...something Jewish,
641
00:26:01,518 --> 00:26:02,644
it tells you...
642
00:26:02,644 --> 00:26:04,187
[audience laughing]
643
00:26:04,187 --> 00:26:07,566
[chuckling] ...how would you weigh
on another planet. How cool is that?
644
00:26:08,483 --> 00:26:11,361
So you guys are fun,
let's work on this, okay?
645
00:26:11,361 --> 00:26:14,906
On Earth, I weigh about 160
and change, you know?
646
00:26:14,906 --> 00:26:16,324
Now yell out some planets.
647
00:26:16,324 --> 00:26:17,742
- Let's hear it.
- [audience yelling]
648
00:26:17,742 --> 00:26:19,244
Woah. Woah, woah.
649
00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:20,870
That is a lot of planets.
650
00:26:21,746 --> 00:26:23,290
Let's split the difference. Okay.
651
00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:24,207
Puerto Rico.
652
00:26:24,207 --> 00:26:25,709
Now in Puerto Rico...
653
00:26:25,709 --> 00:26:26,835
[audience laughing]
654
00:26:26,835 --> 00:26:29,379
I weigh about 160 and change.
655
00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:32,215
And my name's Kiki and I like pegging.
656
00:26:32,215 --> 00:26:33,758
- So there you go.
- [audience laughing]
657
00:26:36,511 --> 00:26:37,554
It's all right.
658
00:26:37,554 --> 00:26:40,056
You've given it more than it deserved,
but thank you.
659
00:26:40,056 --> 00:26:43,768
- [Attell chuckling]
- [audience chuckling]
660
00:26:45,937 --> 00:26:49,357
What I'm trying to say is
virtual learning didn't work, am I right?
661
00:26:49,357 --> 00:26:50,483
[audience laughing]
662
00:26:50,483 --> 00:26:52,527
I can say this as a virtual janitor.
663
00:26:52,527 --> 00:26:54,154
These kids are dumb and weak.
664
00:26:56,364 --> 00:26:59,868
They need to get out there
and really experience life, am I right?
665
00:26:59,868 --> 00:27:02,162
You know what I'm talking about.
Summer camp.
666
00:27:02,787 --> 00:27:04,539
- How many people went to camp here?
- [cheers]
667
00:27:04,539 --> 00:27:05,457
Yeah.
668
00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:06,499
Nice.
669
00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:09,085
Now they've got this camp
called Space Camp.
670
00:27:09,085 --> 00:27:10,462
Do you know what that is?
671
00:27:10,462 --> 00:27:13,840
It's a special camp for these kids
who want to be astronauts,
672
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:17,135
A-K-A, can't run, throw,
catch, or paddle a canoe.
673
00:27:17,135 --> 00:27:19,262
[audience laughing]
674
00:27:19,262 --> 00:27:22,974
These uber-nerds are going to wheeze
their way to the stars.
675
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:25,101
[audience laughing]
676
00:27:25,101 --> 00:27:27,854
No, I'm not putting them down,
I'm jealous 'cause I couldn't go.
677
00:27:27,854 --> 00:27:31,149
I was too old
so I just observed all this from my van.
678
00:27:31,149 --> 00:27:32,233
But either way...
679
00:27:32,233 --> 00:27:34,194
[audience laughing]
680
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,072
Now I didn't go to Space Camp.
681
00:27:37,072 --> 00:27:38,531
I went to Boy Scout camp,
682
00:27:39,366 --> 00:27:41,034
where I learned to keep a secret.
683
00:27:41,034 --> 00:27:41,993
That's right.
684
00:27:41,993 --> 00:27:45,413
- [audience laughing]
- That's right. I was in the Boy Scouts.
685
00:27:45,413 --> 00:27:47,499
I was in the Boy Scouts.
686
00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:51,294
Even though I look like I run a GameStop
in Syria, I was in the Scouts.
687
00:27:51,294 --> 00:27:52,796
[audience laughing]
688
00:27:52,796 --> 00:27:56,925
Even though I look like I put the "ha"
in Hamas, I was in the Boy Scouts.
689
00:27:56,925 --> 00:27:58,259
[audience laughing]
690
00:27:58,259 --> 00:28:01,971
Boy Scouts of America, you're not allowed
to say that anymore, it's triggering.
691
00:28:01,971 --> 00:28:02,931
[audience chuckling]
692
00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:05,934
I think now they're called
the, uh, Proud Boys. Yeah.
693
00:28:05,934 --> 00:28:08,144
[audience laughing]
694
00:28:08,144 --> 00:28:09,145
Awesome.
695
00:28:09,145 --> 00:28:11,147
- [audience laughing]
- [Attell chuckles]
696
00:28:11,981 --> 00:28:13,608
I was proud and I was a boy.
697
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,402
[audience laughing]
698
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,736
Out in those woods.
699
00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:19,489
In those scary woods.
700
00:28:20,281 --> 00:28:22,117
Two biggest fears in the woods,
what are they?
701
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,202
That's right. Bear attack. Yeah.
702
00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:25,870
And who said it up there? Yep.
703
00:28:25,870 --> 00:28:27,455
Scoutmaster fucking you.
704
00:28:27,455 --> 00:28:29,457
- Yeah. Nailed it.
- [audience laughing]
705
00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:32,419
And the best thing to do
in both situations?
706
00:28:32,419 --> 00:28:34,379
Play dead, and I did.
707
00:28:34,379 --> 00:28:36,256
[audience laughing]
708
00:28:36,256 --> 00:28:38,675
Finally, a crowd that gets it.
709
00:28:38,675 --> 00:28:39,843
[audience cheering]
710
00:28:39,843 --> 00:28:43,638
We're doubling down.
More scout stories, here they come.
711
00:28:43,638 --> 00:28:45,724
[audience cheering]
712
00:28:46,891 --> 00:28:50,311
One time I went to a Boy Scout jamboree.
Do you know what that is?
713
00:28:50,311 --> 00:28:52,522
That's a buffet of boys, yes.
714
00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:56,025
Boys, boys, boys, wherever you looked.
715
00:28:56,025 --> 00:28:58,361
Chopping wood, tying knots.
716
00:28:58,361 --> 00:29:00,655
You could say it, yum, boys.
717
00:29:00,655 --> 00:29:02,449
[audience laughing raucously]
718
00:29:08,538 --> 00:29:10,915
We were camped
in the middle of a baseball field
719
00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:12,417
during a lightning storm.
720
00:29:13,293 --> 00:29:14,836
A tactical mistake.
721
00:29:14,836 --> 00:29:16,379
[audience laughing]
722
00:29:16,379 --> 00:29:18,548
Huddled together, terrified.
723
00:29:19,841 --> 00:29:21,634
Then our scoutmaster came over to calm us.
724
00:29:21,634 --> 00:29:24,345
He goes,
"Boys, don't worry about that lightning."
725
00:29:24,345 --> 00:29:26,598
"I'm going to teach you the 30 rule."
726
00:29:26,598 --> 00:29:29,809
"When you hear thunder,
count backwards from 30."
727
00:29:29,809 --> 00:29:31,644
"And when you hit one,
728
00:29:31,644 --> 00:29:33,104
put your cock in my mouth."
729
00:29:33,104 --> 00:29:34,105
And you know what?
730
00:29:34,105 --> 00:29:35,231
[audience laughing]
731
00:29:36,232 --> 00:29:38,902
We did not lose one boy that weekend.
That's right.
732
00:29:38,902 --> 00:29:40,987
We all made it home.
733
00:29:40,987 --> 00:29:43,156
[audience laughing]
734
00:29:43,156 --> 00:29:45,784
Some of us went on to musical theater.
735
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:48,661
[audience cheering]
736
00:29:48,661 --> 00:29:51,164
This crowd loves the great outdoors.
737
00:29:51,164 --> 00:29:53,249
[audience chuckling]
738
00:29:55,251 --> 00:29:57,337
And I gotta tell you,
when I was gonna do a special,
739
00:29:57,337 --> 00:30:00,757
I said, what town am I going to do it in?
And you know what I said? San Francisco.
740
00:30:00,757 --> 00:30:02,342
- Yeah.
- [audience cheering]
741
00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:03,384
I had to do it here.
742
00:30:04,761 --> 00:30:06,679
Cobb's, always good to me.
743
00:30:06,679 --> 00:30:08,765
You guys, always there for me.
744
00:30:09,474 --> 00:30:11,559
How can we not take it to the next level?
745
00:30:11,559 --> 00:30:12,685
We have to.
746
00:30:12,685 --> 00:30:14,521
[audience cheering]
747
00:30:14,521 --> 00:30:16,815
This crowd, we are synced up.
748
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:19,150
And you know what?
This country needs some of that too.
749
00:30:19,150 --> 00:30:20,610
We're all divided.
750
00:30:20,610 --> 00:30:21,861
We need common ground.
751
00:30:21,861 --> 00:30:23,154
We gotta come together.
752
00:30:23,154 --> 00:30:25,031
A mutual experience will do it.
753
00:30:25,031 --> 00:30:26,616
And I got it, okay?
754
00:30:26,616 --> 00:30:30,870
As Americans, we all kinda sorta
know how to play the recorder.
755
00:30:30,870 --> 00:30:31,788
Now...
756
00:30:31,788 --> 00:30:34,582
[audience laughing and cheering]
757
00:30:34,582 --> 00:30:35,500
This is mine.
758
00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:37,585
[audience applauding]
759
00:30:40,004 --> 00:30:40,839
May I?
760
00:30:42,924 --> 00:30:43,842
Here we go.
761
00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:47,470
[recorder playing]
762
00:30:56,354 --> 00:30:57,856
Then the white man came.
763
00:30:57,856 --> 00:30:59,190
- You know?
- [audience laughing]
764
00:30:59,190 --> 00:31:00,108
Thank you, everyone.
765
00:31:01,150 --> 00:31:02,569
Sorry, you play the recorder,
766
00:31:02,569 --> 00:31:05,446
you gotta say something
a little, you know, thoughtful.
767
00:31:05,446 --> 00:31:07,657
- [audience chuckling]
- You can't be like, you know...
768
00:31:07,657 --> 00:31:11,369
[recorder continues playing]
769
00:31:11,369 --> 00:31:12,287
You eating that?
770
00:31:12,287 --> 00:31:13,746
I mean, it doesn't work.
771
00:31:13,746 --> 00:31:15,665
[audience laughing]
772
00:31:16,249 --> 00:31:17,458
This is the recorder,
773
00:31:18,459 --> 00:31:21,087
or as they call it in the Middle East,
the saxophone.
774
00:31:21,087 --> 00:31:22,005
Now...
775
00:31:22,005 --> 00:31:23,172
[audience laughing]
776
00:31:24,215 --> 00:31:25,341
I'm gonna take you through it
777
00:31:25,341 --> 00:31:28,177
'cause I know we got a lot
of homeschoolers in the room
778
00:31:29,554 --> 00:31:31,222
who never played the recorder.
779
00:31:32,265 --> 00:31:33,474
It's a musical instrument.
780
00:31:33,474 --> 00:31:36,436
It's somewhere between a flute
and a bong, all right?
781
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:38,396
[audience laughing]
782
00:31:38,396 --> 00:31:41,691
And there's three pieces,
the head, the shaft, and the taint.
783
00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:42,650
And...
784
00:31:42,650 --> 00:31:44,152
[audience laughing]
785
00:31:44,152 --> 00:31:46,905
I've played this out of every hole
in my body and...
786
00:31:47,864 --> 00:31:51,910
[recorder continues playing]
787
00:31:52,493 --> 00:31:54,913
Sometimes I like to play it
in my own shadow.
788
00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:57,790
[recorder continues playing]
789
00:31:57,790 --> 00:31:59,208
Till one of us comes.
790
00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:00,126
Now...
791
00:32:00,126 --> 00:32:02,003
[audience laughing]
792
00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:05,381
I get it, guys. I know this looks
like a talent show at a shelter.
793
00:32:05,381 --> 00:32:06,633
I understand that.
794
00:32:06,633 --> 00:32:08,176
[audience laughing]
795
00:32:08,176 --> 00:32:11,971
[recorder continues playing]
796
00:32:18,394 --> 00:32:21,564
Sometimes I like to play at the clinic
when the results come in.
797
00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:22,607
[audience laughing]
798
00:32:22,607 --> 00:32:24,359
[recorder continues playing]
799
00:32:25,026 --> 00:32:28,321
Sometimes I play in the park
as they pull down the statues.
800
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:31,449
- [audience laughing]
- [recorder continues playing]
801
00:32:31,449 --> 00:32:32,742
[audience cheering]
802
00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:37,956
But mostly I play at Trader Joe's
till they give me something to walk away.
803
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:38,873
So...
804
00:32:38,873 --> 00:32:42,126
[audience cheering]
805
00:32:42,752 --> 00:32:45,922
Here I am having all the fun
playing the recorder.
806
00:32:46,714 --> 00:32:50,051
Now I want you to look under your seats.
Go ahead, look under your seats.
807
00:32:50,635 --> 00:32:51,594
Yes.
808
00:32:52,637 --> 00:32:54,973
Yes, a recorder.
809
00:32:55,473 --> 00:32:56,808
Oh my God.
810
00:32:57,308 --> 00:32:58,726
It's out of control in here.
811
00:32:58,726 --> 00:33:00,353
[audience chuckling]
812
00:33:01,854 --> 00:33:03,940
[audience screaming]
813
00:33:03,940 --> 00:33:05,483
Calm down, Miss. Calm down.
814
00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:08,820
I knew I left that somewhere.
815
00:33:09,404 --> 00:33:11,990
- Sorry about that. [laughs]
- [audience laughing]
816
00:33:11,990 --> 00:33:12,907
Wow.
817
00:33:14,033 --> 00:33:16,536
- This goes right back on my dashboard.
- [audience laughing]
818
00:33:17,870 --> 00:33:18,871
[audience cheering]
819
00:33:18,871 --> 00:33:21,791
Now if you play the recorder,
there's one tune you have to play.
820
00:33:21,791 --> 00:33:23,751
- Do you know what it is?
- [men] "Hot cross buns."
821
00:33:23,751 --> 00:33:25,712
"Hot cross buns." Who said it?
822
00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:29,424
Yeah. Tonight when you go home
make sure you high-five your cat
823
00:33:29,424 --> 00:33:30,675
because you know what?
824
00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:32,427
[audience laughing]
825
00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:35,388
That is the "Anna Goda Davida"
of the recorder.
826
00:33:35,388 --> 00:33:38,266
- [audience laughing]
- Can we hit the screen back here?
827
00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:41,185
Let's do it. Projector it up. There it is.
828
00:33:41,185 --> 00:33:42,478
[audience cheering]
829
00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:44,731
And I see there's one guy
in the back wearing a mask.
830
00:33:44,731 --> 00:33:45,857
Thank you for that.
831
00:33:45,857 --> 00:33:48,943
We need someone to live to tell the story,
so thank you, sir.
832
00:33:48,943 --> 00:33:50,319
[audience laughing]
833
00:33:50,319 --> 00:33:51,738
This is going to get ugly.
834
00:33:53,698 --> 00:33:56,659
We're going to do it all together.
Here we go. Ready?
835
00:33:57,410 --> 00:33:59,912
[all recorders playing out of melody]
836
00:34:14,635 --> 00:34:15,720
We did it!
837
00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:17,263
[audience cheering]
838
00:34:17,263 --> 00:34:18,973
You guys are awesome.
839
00:34:18,973 --> 00:34:20,683
[audience applauding]
840
00:34:20,683 --> 00:34:23,770
This is something that I've only seen
when I was in a K-hole.
841
00:34:23,770 --> 00:34:24,771
This is great.
842
00:34:24,771 --> 00:34:26,355
[audience laughing]
843
00:34:27,774 --> 00:34:29,525
Anybody can play the recorder,
844
00:34:30,485 --> 00:34:32,111
but how many people can play
845
00:34:33,654 --> 00:34:34,489
two?
846
00:34:34,489 --> 00:34:36,032
- Well, here we go.
- [audience cheers]
847
00:34:36,032 --> 00:34:39,994
Now the last time I did this
the entire front row had to get tested.
848
00:34:39,994 --> 00:34:41,079
All right?
849
00:34:41,079 --> 00:34:42,205
[audience laughing]
850
00:34:42,205 --> 00:34:47,293
[two recorders playing in melody]
851
00:34:47,293 --> 00:34:49,378
[audience applauding]
852
00:34:51,714 --> 00:34:53,674
I'm not going to stop till you tase me.
853
00:34:53,674 --> 00:34:55,760
[two recorders continue playing]
854
00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:02,225
[audience cheering]
855
00:35:02,225 --> 00:35:03,142
Sorry.
856
00:35:03,142 --> 00:35:04,560
[audience applauding]
857
00:35:05,144 --> 00:35:07,438
I don't know what happened,
but my catheter popped out.
858
00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:08,856
That's it for me. Thank you, guys.
859
00:35:08,856 --> 00:35:09,774
Good night.
860
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:12,693
[audience cheering loudly]
861
00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:17,865
Good night.
862
00:35:17,865 --> 00:35:18,866
We did it.
863
00:35:19,367 --> 00:35:21,369
[recorder continues playing]
864
00:35:22,870 --> 00:35:25,957
- [bicycle bell rings]
- [Dave groaning]
865
00:35:27,041 --> 00:35:29,377
[Attell] You know what?
Skyler, let's walk through the crowd.
866
00:35:29,377 --> 00:35:31,587
This crowd's awesome. Bring up the lights.
867
00:35:31,587 --> 00:35:32,839
[audience cheering]
868
00:35:32,839 --> 00:35:34,799
[recorder continues playing]
869
00:35:38,553 --> 00:35:40,888
{\an8}It's great to see the cast of Yellowstone.
Take a look.
870
00:35:40,888 --> 00:35:42,181
{\an8}Guys, thanks for coming.
871
00:35:42,181 --> 00:35:43,432
{\an8}[audience laughing]
872
00:35:43,432 --> 00:35:45,434
{\an8}Remember, it's about the water rights.
873
00:35:46,352 --> 00:35:49,188
{\an8}[recorder continues playing]
874
00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:53,526
{\an8}See, when you play the recorder
no one will ask you to stop
875
00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:56,445
{\an8}'cause they think if you have a recorder
you also have a knife.
876
00:35:56,445 --> 00:35:59,657
{\an8}- [audience laughing]
- So, back it up, Skyler. Let's back it up.
877
00:35:59,657 --> 00:36:00,992
{\an8}Ladies, how are you?
878
00:36:00,992 --> 00:36:02,994
{\an8}Everything okay? Thanks for coming in.
879
00:36:02,994 --> 00:36:05,413
{\an8}I know you have to get up early
and rename a public school.
880
00:36:05,413 --> 00:36:06,914
{\an8}- Either way...
- [audience laughing]
881
00:36:06,914 --> 00:36:09,625
{\an8}[recorder continues playing]
882
00:36:09,625 --> 00:36:11,127
{\an8}How's it going, guys?
883
00:36:11,878 --> 00:36:13,963
{\an8}I don't know what season
of BattleBots you guys are on,
884
00:36:13,963 --> 00:36:15,256
{\an8}but you really crushed it.
885
00:36:15,256 --> 00:36:18,759
{\an8}- [audience laughing]
- [recorder continues playing]
886
00:36:18,759 --> 00:36:20,178
{\an8}What's happening here?
887
00:36:20,178 --> 00:36:22,180
- Blow.
- Blow. Okay.
888
00:36:22,180 --> 00:36:23,097
{\an8}Blow.
889
00:36:23,097 --> 00:36:25,183
{\an8}I'm sorry, but I do it a little toothy,
890
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:26,184
{\an8}so here we go.
891
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:28,644
{\an8}[recorder continues playing]
892
00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:30,354
How are you, sir?
893
00:36:30,354 --> 00:36:32,064
I didn't know Putin had a son.
894
00:36:32,064 --> 00:36:34,150
- Either way, thank you.
- [audience laughing]
895
00:36:34,150 --> 00:36:36,235
[recorder playing high-pitched note]
896
00:36:36,944 --> 00:36:39,071
I'm calling in a drone strike. Either way...
897
00:36:40,489 --> 00:36:42,491
{\an8}[recorder continues playing]
898
00:36:42,491 --> 00:36:43,910
{\an8}[audience clamoring]
899
00:36:52,668 --> 00:36:54,378
{\an8}[audience cheering]
900
00:36:56,380 --> 00:36:57,840
{\an8}Give that man a cigar.
901
00:36:57,840 --> 00:36:58,758
{\an8}Good night.
902
00:36:58,758 --> 00:37:02,011
{\an8}[audience cheering]
903
00:37:02,595 --> 00:37:04,388
{\an8}[Attell] I know what I'm doing.
904
00:37:04,388 --> 00:37:05,514
[camera clicking]
905
00:37:07,433 --> 00:37:09,268
[cow mooing]