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Close your eyes and open your ears.
Dad!
-Aah! -Okay, come on!
Go, go, go!
Go, go!
Aah!
Skunk!
-Skunky! -Dad, is that you?
Who the hell do you think it is?!
Yeah, yeah, I know. I saw it.
Come on, let's go.
Where?
To get it back.
Whoo-hoo!
-You guys! -Yeah?
-You guys! -Yeah?!
We are totally gonna go make this video
in the totally badass lover-bumpin' swamp!
Whoo!
'Cause we're what?!
The Swamp Vixens from Uranus!
-We're who?! -The Swamp Vixens from Uranus!
And my man Dennis over here is gonna be like, "Bla-dow!
I'm a filmmaker!"
And I'm gonna be like, "Whassa, whassa, what's up?!"
I'm a lover-pumpin' rock star!
Yeah!
Who wants more drugs?
We don't need drugs. We aredrugs.
-You feeling me? -Yeah.
-You feeling me?! -Yeah!
That guy in the red car that Troy is about to pass,
feeling me?! -Yeah!
Ooh!
Very nice. You have two. Good number.
You're about to meet the man.
What's known as a man's man.
He's a pragmatist. You know what a pragmatist is, son?
No.
Somebody who gets things done without asking questions.
Understand?
Is--Is he a hunter?
Yes, he is.
There he is.
Jake.
-Layton. -My son Wyatt.
How you doing?
Hi.
So, what are we after? Gator?
Partly.
Here it is, ladies!
Coming right on up.
- Ooh, that is, that is. - Ah, yeah.
Check this place out.
Check it out!
Troy, look at that lake.
You're taking me to all the best places.
Yeah. The people who own this place are true swamp.
I support their existence.
-Come on. Let's do it. -Okay.
Let's do it. Yeah.
Hey, I'm Troy. We booked the morning boat.
-Swamp Vixens from Uranus. -Whoo!
-We're the Vixens. -and I'm Uranus.
Charming. Well, I'm Nathan Connors.
I'll be your guide today.
So, I take it you're the filmmaker?
Wait, just because he's the guy, he's the filmmaker?
So, you're the filmmaker?
No, he is. Just don't be sexist.
Wouldn't cross my mind. Well, daylight's a-wasting, guys.
Let's go. You got any, uh, props or equipment?
-Yep. In the van. -Well, that's my boat
at the far end of the dock.
So, why don't you grab your gear, and we'll meet over there?
Come on, ladies.
Like the man says, daylight's wastin'.
- Let's go. - All right!
-He's yours. -Thank you.
Hey, I'm gonna go with, uh, Nathan here
and size up the boat for shots.
Oh, slacker.
Let's go.
Are you sure you lost them here?
Yes, I'm positive. We were out here yesterday,
And they must have fallen off my head or something.
And what color are these sunglasses again?
-They're bluish. -Ha.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find in blue water.
Why don't you just buy a new pair?
They could not have been that expensive.
They're not gonna let us have any fun until we find 'em.
- Nope. - Let's go back.
Well?
Where's Jay?
He must still be down or something.
Jay! Huh?
-Did you see him? -No.
Um, they've been down there for way too long.
What was that?
I don't know.
You guys aren't messing around with us, are you?
Maybe we should call for help. Do you have your phone on you?
No. It's too wet out here. I left it back at the dock.
Aah!
-Jay?! -Rudy?!
Whoo!
Here we go, guys!
Yeah!
-Whoo! Yeah! -Whoo-hoo!
-Beautiful! -Yeah!
Swamp Vixens are here!
Here we go! Whoo!
- So? - So...
We're not going to find any missing drugs here.
-This place is a waste. -What, then?
Enough with the tourism.
Let's go back to the car.
You guys, I think we should all get mohawks.
How awesome would that be?
-Yeah! -Whoo!
Let's be discreet with that.
But, Dad.
I don't want my license revoked.
But, Dad!
Okay, Dad, you're stuck on a desert island
with me, Aubrey, Izzy, and Troy.
Who do you love, who do you kill,
who do you marry,
and who do you dress up like a unicorn
And have My Little Pony sex with?
Uh, I don't know. I'd probably just kill and love all of you.
- Oh! - Oh, yeah.
-In that order? -Why not?
Serial killer. I'm getting a serial killer vibe here.
That explains the fashion choice.
Seriously, Nate, how old are you?
33.
Oh, that is so totally Dad-Core!
Dennis is, like, older than that.
And yet we are worlds apart.
-Yeah! -High-five!
So, Nate, how did you get into this line?
Uh, swamp captain?
This is where I wanna be.
Love it down here.
Dude, Nathan is probably
more swamp-pun. than all of us combined!
He's got seaman in his bones!
-Yo, ho, ho. -And a bottle of rum.
Back to topic, you don't really strike me as the outdoor type.
And yet I amthe outdoor type.
You strike me as a... proctologist?
-Oh! -Butt joke!
Hey, I'm just riffing here. Don't shoot the messenger.
Hey, mind if I spark up, Captain?
The law minds.
I don't see no law around here, Captain, just swamp trees.
Hey, dude, do boglins originate in the bog?
And if so, are they affiliated with law enforcement?
Is that something you would know as a Swamp Lord or Boat Wizard?
Nathan totally rocks the many-sided die.
Wouldn't that imply he has friends?
Listen to me.
-This is my ship. -My ship!
And I will turn this boat around and leave you sneering turds
at the dock if you don't cut the junior high crap right now.
-Get it? -"Swamp Turds"!
That could totally be our album name.
-Yeah. -You're totally right.
What, just 'cause I own a button down shirt
and read a book once in a while, I'm a dad?
You guys wanna film your little video
like the grown children you are,
you comply by my rules on this vessel.
My rules!
And maybe, just maybe, I'll allow you to continue
to live in the illusion that you're unique
and have something worth sharing with the world. Deal?
-Oh, snap! -Nate's got cojones.
Like a jaded substitute teacher.
-Dad's being a buzzkill. -Oh!
I tell you what, Nate.
I will personally punch any one of these sneering turds
in the face right now. -Huh?
I have no problem hitting women.
I appreciate that, buddy,
but I punch people in the face myself just fine.
Nate, I respect the fire.
Look, no more busting out on Nate...
or I'll toss ya in thar drink.
Somebody, make out with Nate as apology.
I might.
-Thank you. -Well, there you go.
Ew. You're gonna kiss your own dad?
Hey, dads are kinda hot.
-What? -They are. Dads are hot.
Ask "Frudo" or whatever.
Freud!
Guys, listen, listen, we're getting off topic here.
Izzy, why you're not suckin' Nathan's face right now?
Good point, Troy. Well said.
I guess he has to earn it first.
Challenge accepted.
You know, I would just like to point out
that I am also on this boat, and I am way hotter than Nathan.
So...just saying.
You've already tried to have sex with all of us.
Remember when you were lurking around that art school
we all went to like Predator Preston?
Well, missed opportunities on all fronts. Believe it.
I don't think we willbelieve it.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, snap!
I see what you did there.
Onwards! Into the drink!
Yeah!
-How are we lost with GPS? -Must be country living.
Most of these back roads aren't even on a map.
So, where is this place anyway?
You'd think a giant factory farm would be easy to find.
Now if I were a factory farm, where would I be?
And everything is worse down here.
I mean, everything in the South is backwards.
That's a moderate generalization.
But is it? How do 50 gallons
of experimental non-FDA-approved illegal growth hormones
go missing, of all the stuff?
I mean, do you know how much trouble Fud-Rom
would be in if it gets out we're juicing our cows
with unauthorized growth hormones?
Yes, I have a very good idea.
Some toothless somebody in this godforsaken county
is no doubt trying to use 'em as drugs right now.
We'll find 'em in the ER with a forearm the size of a wombat.
-God. Did we just hit something? -I don't see anything.
Well, no harm, no foul.
Well, if we did hit something, I should check it out.
Relax. I'm sure nature will take its course.
Samantha, if I hit something, I'm not gonna
leave it out here to die a slow death in the Swamp.
Kirk, we have other stuff to worry about.
So, maybe I get out and hunt for the animal.
And in the process, we find the factory farm.
Hey, Julie. Hey, it's me, Samantha.
I'm sorry. The reception out here is terrible.
You wanna know what's going on? I'll tell you what's going on.
Everything down here is backwards.
Julie?
Hello?
It all started back in 1894,
when the tyrant Abraham sent 900 Yanks to Marianna
to crush our brave young men.
You know, I resent northerners from big business
coming in here in the swamp, disrespecting our--our privacy,
our good nature here.
I resent people not of this land who come in here
and rape this country, physically, spiritually.
Due to my extensive... knowledge of DNA research
And gene splicing,
I realized there's only one way a man can combat these things.
I created the perfect soldier.
- Really? - Yeah.
World's deadliest snakes
combined with the better parts of alligator.
You wouldn't know it, but I graduated with honors
from Georgia Tech.
But it's man's God-given right to create scientific research.
That's what I did.
Unfortunately, I must lament.
Due to my son's lack of recognition
of my rules of confinement, we find ourselves on this hunt.
The collar...it m--
Why don't you shut up? It didn't malfunction.
You malfunctioned, damn it.
Who DNA-spliced you together? That's what I'd like to know.
I...told you what happened.
I don't care what happened. What about you?
-You got kids? -Not that I know of.
Mm.
Yeah, well, there it is. Right?
You know what? The money's right.
I'm the best at what I do.
Don't worry. I'll find your monster for you.
He ain't a monster. He's like a son to me.
The son I never had.
Coochi-coochi-coo.
Here you go. Come to Daddy.
Come on home, sonny boy.
Come on.
Is that chum line gonna attract him?
Yeah, well, the creature smells with his tongue.
Snakes smell with their tongue.
If snakes smell with their tongues,
why do they have nostrils?
Well, that's a good question.
Why don't you answer that for us, son?
Why do snakes have nostrils if they smell with their tongue?
-I asked the question. -Slap a search on that.
Getting nothing over here.
Attention. Attention. Code 1032.
1032. Drowning. Two bodies. Code 1032...
That's my boy. That for sure is my boy.
I know exactly where that is. Let's get outta here.
-Come on. -Got it.
Can't be far from here.
You don't--don't think Cobragator will eat us, do you?
I'll tell you one thing. If that collar malfunctioned,
that's a distinct possibility.
I already...told you what happened.
The...shock collar m-malfunctioned.
It was...gonna kill it. Maybe I shoulda let it.
You provided me with a narrative.
But like any narrative, it lacks credibility.
Did you or did you not take off that collar?
Maybe you had some infantile notion of emotional...
Or maybe you just took it off for another reason.
Maybe it was like an aggressive kind of a thing.
Either way, it's probably gonna be hard
for you to answer, isn't it?
Dad, s-sometimes when you talk, I-I feel bad.
I know the feeling.
Fern. Fern!
Fern.
Why is s-someone... yelling "Fern"?
Came from over there. Let's go.
Fern! Fern!
Fern, where are you? Mama's looking for you, Fern.
Where are you?
Come to Mama, Fernie.
Fern!
Fern! Oh, Fern, baby! Where are you?
Fern. Fern, come to Mama.
Fern, you nasty little dog.
Fern must be her dog.
Is it Fern or Vern?
Logic tells me it's Vern, but my ears say...Fern.
Where did you go?
I have your favorite toy, Fernie!
Come to Mama, Fernie! Fern!
-Holy crap. -We have to save her.
If you hadn't taken off that shock collar,
this wouldn't be happening.
Man, made one hell of a snake eater.
Maybe after this meal, she'll be a little bit easier
- to catch, huh? - Yeah.
Just like Thanksgiving.
Yeah. You two stink.
Shut up, skunk boy.
There he is.
What do you think he's doing?
Digesting.
Make sure you get that dart right down his throat.
That gator hide's kind of hard to penetrate.
-What if I hit an eye? -No, don't do that.
He needs his eyes. Don't need both.
You take out an eye, and I will adjust your compensation, sir.
Fine. No eye.
Any ideas how to get his attention?
Sure.
Good work.
-I hit it right in the mouth. -Gonna take another dart.
-Another dart? -Yeah.
-I'll do it. -Get outta here.
Come on.
Did you get him?
Yeah, I got him...twice.
He's headed back to the water.
Let's go back to the boat.
♪ Don't tread on me ♪
♪ Now I'll show up ♪
♪ Going to guarantee ♪
♪ Don't tread on me ♪
♪ Now I'm... ♪
All right. Izzy, be sexy.
See that cleavage. Yeah, girl.
Can you get under the water?
I know you hate it. Just get down. Nice.
I don't know what you're doing, Troy.
I hate it. Come on. Do it better.
Do it again, but better.
♪ Don't tread on me ♪
Cut!
-Troy, a moment? -Yeah.
Can you kinda play your air bongos
a little bit more passionately, like Stabbing Westward?
Did he really just say "Stabbing Westward"?
More Stabbing Westward. Got it.
Actually, you know what? Um...
Let's just do the intro again. More Stabbing Westward.
Girls, you can take five.
Hooray! Beer!
- Beer and pills. - Whoo!
-Did you bring any sandwiches? -You know it!
All right, let's start again.
Oh, my God, I'm starving, man.
How far away did we leave the cooler?
It's right up here, around the corner.
What happened here, Captain? That's an awful lot of scales.
Alligator orgy, maybe.
We should write a song called "Alligator Orgy."
You mean you haven't already?
We haven't, by some gross oversight.
Huh? 'Cause you would think a swamp punk band--
not that swamp punk is a real genre.
We exist, we think, and therefore we am.
Okay.
So, do you want to write it or...co-write it?
Who, me? Oh, no.
My alligator orgy days are, sadly, behind me.
I'll never say never, Captain.
No offense, but you could totally be
a doctor or something.
Well, it's funny you should say that,
'cause I jumped out of medical school to find myself.
-Where are you hiding? -In the swamp.
That's kind of a weird transition, don't you think?
Well, sometimes you realize you're on this path,
becoming someone you don't want to be,
And you have to run in the opposite direction, hard.
Yeah.
Hey, shouldn't you be pretending to play guitar or something?
Shouldn't you be rubbing yourself all over
these alligator scales?
-I'm more into flamingos. -Okay.
-Nice talking to you. -Yeah.
-Hey, Izzy. -Yeah?
You think you could play guitar
more like you're in God Lives Underwater?
I'll do my best.
Come on, baby. I know y'all out here.
Ooh. Got one.
Yes! Yes.
Yes. I got it. Come on. Come on!
Whoa! Baby, this is a big one. You ain't getting away from me.
Holy guaca--
Stop it, Izzy.
Oh, looks so good.
Hey, Dennis. Am I looking good?
-This okay? -Yeah, it's fine.
He's so cute.
Oh!
Oh! Are you--Are you six?
Are yousix, over here peeping my girl doing her mermaid thing
like you're Baron Von Stroke-a-Lot?
Okay, I'm not-- I'm not peeping. Okay?
♪ Nathan likes Izzy ♪
I do not. I do not. Don't--
♪ They're gonna make many babies ♪
Don't. We're not--
Aah!
-What is wrong with you guys? -You flunking idiot!
You should have seen you guys. You were like, wahh!
-Shut up. -Yeah, is that--
is that all you got, little missy?
Shut up. Aah!
Let me show you what I got.
-Shut up. -Let's get wet. Here we go!
Oh, my God.
Gotta start thinking like
a perpetually hungry snake alligator.
Keep your eyes open for something you might like to eat.
Cut!
That was so awesome!
Was it good?
Yeah.
I think it's important that we're all doing
the same kindof zombie.
I was doing "Night of the Living,"
and Izzy was doing more of a "Plan 9 from Outer Space."
Uh, yeah, I was.
Wouldn't you say Swamp Vixens from Uranus
are more "Plan 9" than "Night of the Living"?
I'm just saying I don't wanna put us in a box.
Maybe we wanna do something different in the future.
HerrDirector, can you settle this for us?
I think you should do "Plan of the Living Dead,"
but can we just do it again, okay?
Yeah, fine. "Night of the Living."
-"Plan 9." -Maybe Aubrey's right.
Everyone would expect us to do "Plan 9."
So, maybe that's why we should do "Night of the Living."
Sometimes less is more.
Because we are so totally artists right now,
having artistic conversations,
this video is gonna be so totally kick-ass!
Yeah! Mega views on YouTube.
Well, now that we've got that important issue resolved, we...
Oh, great.
What's happening? Who is that?
All right, take five.
Dad, look! People!
Nathan, can you get on your ship radio thingy
And tell those guys to get the hell out of my shot?
I can try, but that's Jake Dixon's boat.
He's one of my least favorite people in the Swamp.
He runs some hunting tour and thinks I'm a competitor of his.
Well, maybe you should fire off your gator rifle for emphasis.
Not the right strategy for this guy.
Tuolomee to Louie.
Tuolomee to Louie with a question.
Great. They got Nate Kranz with 'em.
That gonna be a problem?
No, he likes making trouble for me and my hunting tours.
Should I respond to this mosquito?
I'll leave that entirely up to your discretion, Mr. Dixon.
Tuolomee to Louie.
Tuolomee to Louie stillwith a question.
You see what I mean? He's like a gnat.
Louie to Tuolomee. What's your question?
Request from my party to move your vessel.
They're shooting a rock video, and you're in their shot.
They want us to move.
-Tell him fat chance of that. -Hmm.
We'll move closer, but not farther away.
Louie to Tuolomee, we are not--repeat, not moving.
Deal with it.
Hey, move!
No!
What's the deal?
-Hey, what's going on, man? -Hang on.
We're about to head over there and have a little conversation.
Dad, do you think...maybe they'd let mebe in their rock video?
Sure, if they wanna ruin it.
What are you thinking?
Think we round up the mosquitoes.
One thing I can't stand is interlopers
trying to tell me where I can and can't go,
what I can and can't do.
Don't worry. If these two are under the impression
that they're men, I will quickly correct that.
-Hello, Jake. -So, you're the filmmaker, huh?
Yeah, and I'm asking you to do me the very large favor
of moving your ship about 500 feet...that way.
Well, I'm no filmmaker,
but I do have a suggestion for you.
Why don't you just point your little camera...that way, hmm?
This doesn't have to become a pissing contest.
Why don't you shut up, Nathan?
Don't escalate this, Jake.
Hmm. Why? You gonna do something about it?
Listen, I promise you, your fishing trip or circle jerk
will be just as awesome 500 feet that way as it is here.
Circle jerk? That's a pretty intellectual statement there.
And a liberal tongue for a young man.
Where you born?
Doesn't matter where he was born.
Oh, it matters to me.
Santa Fe. How's that?
Do you even know the way to Santa Fe?
I sure do. It's right off the end of your boat, Greystoke.
Where were youborn?
-Where was I born? -A museum?
Yeah, of natural history.
My whole family's born right here on the bayou.
Back generations, all the way back to, uh, plantations.
Now, that's certainly something to be proud of,
but did your family lead its celebration-worthy life
right here on this exact spot in the water?
-Matter of fact, they did. Yeah. -Oh, all right,
I forgot swamp people can't move boats. Sorry.
Listen, listen. I'm a man of the South.
I love the South. My girls over there are also from the South.
So, from one ssoutherner to another,
why don't you just move your boat?
Why don't you name one Confederate general?
Uh...Lee.
Everybody knows that one.
One more.
General, uh, Crispus Attucks.
Well, you know, that's both ignorant and incorrect,
which makes you not a true southerner.
Well...I like grits.
I'll give you that one. All right.
What do you think they're doing over there, you guys?
Probably talking about cool guy stuff.
I think Nathan's probably talking about title patterns.
You know, Nathan's not so bad.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
You're going to marry him.
You always date the weirdest guys, Izzy.
Um, out of us three, that is definitely not true.
Izzy's right. Your dudes are always the weirdest.
-Okay. They're neat. -Oh.
They are not neat.
-Oh, it's gonna be like that? -Yeah.
You guys are just jealous because
I always date the most interesting guys.
If by interesting you mean crazy!
Hey.
Okay, you guys, I think it's time we go get changed.
-Okay, let's go. Come on. -Come on.
I'm just gonna stay here and swim for a bit.
You know what? Crazy idea.
What if my friend Nathan here would just...
shoot you in the head? I mean, hypothetically.
Nobody is shooting anybody in the head.
Forgive my idiot companion.
You know, Florida does have a Stand Your Ground law.
Oh, yeah, we remember how that worked out, huh?
Yeah.
Hey.
Yes, we did.
Dad, stop embarrassing me.
-Shut up. -There's no need for that.
We're gonna get outta your hair,
And you don't need to make a mistake you can't take back.
Okay? I'm gonna power up my boat.
We're gonna be gone, and that's the end of it.
Start it up.
Those guys don't mess around.
You're lucky I got us out of there when I did.
I need to touch a hot woman to make me feel better. Whoo!
-How'd it go over there? -Good.
You didn't go berserker on them, did you?
No. I'm already feeling the love right now.
-You want to feel the love? -Yes.
Go get me a beer.
-You serious? -I'm thirsty.
All right.
Thanks.
Ahh.
Help!
Rony!
Oh, my God!
Come on!
Let's go, let's go! Move!
Come on!
Go.
Punch it!
What is that?!
I don't know, but we're not sticking around to find out!
Here we go! We're going!
Oh, my God.
There he is!
Go, Nate! He's coming. Come on.
Drive the boat. Move!
Don't kill it. Use this!
-Just trying to slow it down. -Jake, use the dart!
When I have a shot with the dart, I'll use the dart.
Get him. He went over. Go get him!
-You got him? -Yeah. I got him.
-You all right? -I don't know.
Let's get him to shore.
Hey. You been bit?
You've been bit. Wyatt.
You've been bit, you need antivenom right away.
Dad...
Oh, Wyatt.
Almighty hell.
Oh, my son.
Oh, you damn fool.
He's gone now.
Put him in the water.
-What? -Put him in the water.
Wait, you want me to just leave him there?
No, no. He's gone. It's just a shell.
Put him in the water now, Jake, please.
My boy.
I love you, son.
I truly do.
God bless you.
Lord, give me the power to...
rise up...
fight another day.
Faster!
Should I call this in or...
You wanna mess with this thing, be my guest.
I'm just trying to get us
as far away from that thing as possible.
Is there a channel I'm supposed to be on or something?
Just speak into it! I don't--just talk into it!
Channel one. Channel one!
Mayday! May--Am I supposed to say "Mayday" or what?
Yeah, say, "Mayday. Mayday."
Mayday! SOS!
It's coming for us!
Oh, God.
Please, it's an emergency situation!
Troy, get--get my rifle.
-Have either of you fired a gun? -No.
-Troy, you first.
Place the butt of the gun to your shoulder
and be ready for a kickback.
Fire!
Dennis, give it a try.
Give yourself a wide stance,
plant the butt of the gun in your shoulder, and fire.
-I'm crap at this! -Oh, God!
-There he is. -I see him.
Why is it coming at us?!
Oh, no.
No!
-Was that... -An accident.
This is when we get away-- when it feeds.
We're gonna head for dry land! Settle down now!
Okay.
This outing just got considerably more expensive.
Whatever has to be done is gonna be done.
Go, Go, go, go, go!
Well, I think that beast is pretty well satiated by now.
Looks like we have some time to strategize.
Strategize? Like trying to figure out how to not spend
the rest of our lives in prison?
I don't know about you, but I ain't gonna do any time.
-Okay. So, what now? -Say we head back to shore.
Got it.
Listen here, Mr. Dixon.
In addition to our primary guest,
there's another set of circumstances
causing me problems. -Yeah? What's that?
Well, there's a group of people out here in the woods,
and, uh, they could press charges against me.
In fact, they could report the existence of my beast.
Pretty soon they're gonna be in cellphone range,
and that could create problems for us both.
And what do you suggest we do about that, huh?
Well, what I'm trying to say is,
you hunt and kill a variety of animals, don't you?
Yeah, for the right price.
Uh-huh.
$10,000 a head ease your conscience a little bit?
Yeah, fine...
provided you get the cash to back it up.
Oh, well, you know I do. You know my family, right?
-Yeah, I do. -Okay, then have at it.
All right, fine. You stay here. I'll take care of this.
Shouldn't take too long.
And watch out for your little snake.
Sure.
Come on, you guys, hurry!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Don't tell me we have to cross this tree.
No, just... Just give me a second.
Give him a second.
I can't believe we're at serious risk of dying right now
because of a stupid music video. -Stop being so negative.
I have every right to be negative.
You know, your bad attitude doesn't help anything.
-Just chill out. -You chill out. Uhh!
Aah!
Down, down. Come on. Come, come, come. Come here!
Who was that?! Why are they shooting at us?!
I don't know, but I'm a pretty good shot myself.
I need you to draw fire for me.
-Me? -Yes, you!
What, 'cause I'm the guy? Is that it?
Listen, Nathan, these women are feminists,
which means they believe in equal opportunity.
So, I suggest, in all fairness, we draw straws.
-What? -Come on!
I came here as a favor for you guys!
Okay, it was mutually beneficial for both of us!
You are not a man, Dennis.
I reject your gendered constructs. Come on.
I need you to man up. Go!
I'm not going. Do you want to know why?
Because I am more important than these two stupid girls!
I have things to do.
Calm down. Calm down. Girls.
Girls, calm down.
I'm gonna draw fire for you.
About 300 yards that way is an old summer cottage.
-Are you sure?! -I'm sure.
I need you to run under this log.
Run in a zigzag pattern on three.
-I fire, you run. Okay? -Okay, okay. We can do it.
I'm so sorry, Dennis.
That's sad, okay? But we're gonna live.
That is our focus. On three.
One...two...
three!
Oh, my God!
Run! Run!
Gotcha.
Come on. Hang on to me.
Listen to me, Nathan. You know who I am.
You know who youare.
You know this can only end one way.
I can cut you a deal, though.
The man I work for--he'll believe anything I tell him.
This could all end now. I'll go back to my boat.
Look. Putting down my rifle.
Like you to drop your gun, too.
This way, we'll be two unarmed men going our separate ways.
You can go to your cabin. I'll go back to my boat.
I'm putting my ass on the line for you, Nathan.
Drop the knife.
You didn't believe my lie for a second, did you?
Come on, Nathan.
Just go down that easy? Come on, boy. Get up!
Come on. Right here.
There you go.
Come on. What do you got, boy?
You know, boy, I'm done playing around with you.
I think it's time I put you out of your misery.
Okay.
There it is, right there. Okay, come on.
You okay?
Ooh.
It's locked.
-Let's go. -Let him go.
-What do you mean, let him go? -Look, I know where he's going,
and I'm the one that's gonna kill him.
I thought you were staying by the boat.
I think I'm the best judge of my creature's habits.
All right, fine. Look, stay close and stay quiet, all right?
Let's go.
-Here he comes. -What happened?
Nathan!
Nathan, she's been shot.
What are we gonna do? It's locked.
Hurry up! She's lost a lot of blood.
Come on.
-Hurry. -It's gonna be all right.
Come on. Let's get her to the couch.
I need to get a tourniquet on this leg.
-Izzy. -Yeah?
Go to the bathroom and check for a first aid kit.
Right. Nathan, do you think they're still coming for us?
Yeah, we're not out of the woods just yet.
Quick, medicine cabinet.
All right, I'm gonna find some cloth and make a tourniquet.
Just...relax and...breathe.
And put this behind your head.
All right, we need to aim for the element of surprise.
I think we're very much expected.
Yeah. All right, let's settle for misdirection. This way.
Nathan, boil this.
Here, take another swig of this.
You always can throw back with the best of them, Aubrey.
Rock star times 5,000.
I know this is gonna hurt,
but I gotta get that shard out of your leg.
Whatever you gotta do, Doc.
I'm not a doc, but I'm gonna do what I can.
Hey, did you find anything to sew her up with? Stitches?
Uh, fishing line. Where'd you learn about that?
Izzy's super smart.
I watch a lot of television, so...
Listen, Doc, full disclosure.
I'm on whiskey and OxyContin.
OxyContin?
It's my pill of choice.
Well, it's a little stronger than aspirin.
You do know what you're doing, right?
Absolutely.
Brace.
Aah!
-You numb? -A little.
Well, wait a little until you can't feel anything.
-Then we'll get started. -Comfortably numb.
Is that an indication of your status
or a reference to a Pink Floyd song?
You look super Dad-Hot to me right now.
-Kiss me. -We'll get to that later.
For now, bite down on this.
With everything you got going on,
hopefully it won't hurt too much.
Yay.
Well done. Now, just a matter of some stitches.
You okay?
What's that?
Please! Shoot it. Please!
Aah!
-Come here! -I can't.
I'm in the middle of this. What's going on?
That thing's got someone else,
and it's killing him in the trees.
I think it's one of the guys from the boat.
Better him than us.
That's my boy.
Aah!
What was that? What's happening?!
Lay flat! Lay flat!
Stay down! Stay down!
Now what?
-I don't know. -Let me think. Let me think.
Stay down.
Here goes nothing.
Is it gone?
I suppose...for the moment.
Can someone please get me off this table?
Once I get you stitched up.
Okay, almost done.
What--ow--
...are we gonna do?
There's a cave nearby
that's a shortcut to the main road.
From there, we can flag down a car.
And...you're sure that it's gone?
-I'm not sure of anything. -We'll need weapons.
It has a healthy fear of fire right now.
I have an idea.
Yes.
Great stuff! Can I have one? You sure you're up to it?
Things were reversed, I'd want something to fight back with.
Aubrey, this blowtorch is not a toy.
It's a dangerous weapon. Is that clear?
You can count on me. I got it.
All right, but be careful.
All right, let's roll.
-Nathan. -Yeah?
What was that for?
Remember the challenge from the boat?
Yeah.
-You earned it. -Hey.
I just had surgery. Where's my kiss?
Let's roll.
Hey! Y'all can run,
but I'll shoot you down! All three of youse,
if you decide to die with honor, what's it gonna be?
-But-- -Shut up!
This ain't up for discussion.
Who's it gonna be?
I'll go first.
Okay, big shot.
Go, go!
Run! Come on, Aubrey!
Don't stop.
Nathan, come on!
Go, Aubrey, go! Come on!
-Follow me to the cave. -Where?
Not far.
-Cave? -Trust me.
Come on, come on!
Come on, Nathan. Hurry.
Hold on.
We're almost there.
Okay, here it is. Now, keep low and watch your head.
Are you crazy? It's way too dark in there.
No, no, no. Come on, Aubrey. It'll be okay.
We got this. Come on. Let's go.
Watch your head.
Nathan, slow down.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Aubrey, you need to rest, huh?
O-Okay. Nathan, wait. Just stop for a second.
-What's the plan? -There's a back way out
that hardly anyone knows about. It'll lead us right to the road.
-You're sure? -I have it on good authority.
So, like, you've never actually done it before?
No, but I know a couple people who have.
-Why did you never do it? -Because I'm not a cave guy.
We're gonna die down here! We're gonna die.
Come on. Let's go. Keep moving. Come on.
Ow. My leg really hurts.
Ow. Come on.
Is it close?
I don't know. Let's just keep moving.
Come on, Nathan, are we almost there?
Yeah. Seriously, how much farther?
It's just around here. Let's keep moving.
Okay. Come on.
Ladies.
-That's the exit? -What?
I know it looks small, but people have gone through it.
Leads right to the road.
-Oh, God. -Trust me.
No. I'm claustrophobic, Nathan.
I'm claustrophobic, too, but we don't have any other options.
Okay, now, cellphones make good flashlights.
-Let's light the way and go. -Oh, God.
-Come on. -Oh, God.
Okay, okay. Just...
Watch your step.
Just through here.
Hold my hand.
Nathan, I hope you know where you're going.
Just keep your lights on, see in front of you.
Everything is great. We're almost there.
-This is beyond belief. -It could be worse.
We could be going down the wrong tunnel.
-Wait, there are two? -Yeah.
Well, where does the other one lead?
-Nowhere. -Oh, great.
-You sure you got the right one? -Pretty sure.
I think I hear something. It could be that guy.
If I pass back the gun, do you want to shoot him?
Uh, yes. No! No, no, no. No, I can't.
I've never shot a gun before.
What's that noise?
Please, don't tell me those are rats.
They're not rats.
They're bats.
Aah!
You guys okay?
Okay?! No, I'm not okay.
Oh, God. Oh! Ugh.
- Let's get the hell outta here. - Good idea.
All right, ladies, kill the phones.
We got daylight.
-Careful, Abby. Careful. -Okay.
Okay. Where do we go?
There's a road just east of here.
-Okay. Come on. Let's go. -Okay.
Okay.
Hey.
Yeah. That's...That's my boy.
Time to head north.
Look, look. The campfire.
We gotta be close now.
-We've still got a ways to go. -Okay.
-Come on. -You okay?
Look out!
Go! Go, or we all die!
Come on, come on! Aubrey, let's go!
Aubrey, get back!
-Aubrey! -Aubrey!
Aah!
Take that!
Aah!
She's burning him from the inside.
It just... It just coughed her up.
Oh, my God!
She's not moving.
-Is it dead? -Stay here. Stay here.
She's dead.
We can't just walk away without her.
Look, Izzy, I'm sorry. I really am.
But we gotta leave that to the authorities.
So, she gave her life.
I know. We gotta get to town
and let somebody know about this.
There may be more than one of those things
running around out here. Who the hell knows?
I guess you're right, but...
-Only... -Come on.
We're gonna get through this.
Oh, the road.
Finally. Never thought we'd make it.
Yeah, but there's only one problem.
-What's that? -Where are the cars?
This road leads to Marianna.
There's bound to be some traffic this way. Come on.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Hey! Hey, buddy!
Hey!
-Right here! -Hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, slow down, slow down.
-We need help. -Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
-Hey. -Hey.
Slow down. Slow down.
-What's up, buddy? -Don't even ask.
But the girl here is dehydrated bad.
We need a ride into town, maybe, uh,
to a hospital or emergency room.
Well, I just came from there, but y'all hop in the back.
Oh, great. Thanks so much.
My pleasure.
You guys look like you've been through
some sort of major ordeal!
Well, that we have!
-Well, what happened? -We ran into an animal.
What kind of animal?
-A snake! -A gator!
Well, which one was it? A gator or a snake?
A gator. It was a gator, I think.
I never known a little gator around these parts
to be so aggressive.
Oh, this one was definitely aggressive.
You poor souls.
All right, I'm-a fill up my tank,
and then we're gon' get you guys medical attention
or--or whatever y'all need.
Wouldn't mind washing some of this--
some of this filth off my hands.
All right, well, the bathroom's right over there,
and I'm just gon' run inside.
Come on, Izzy. Let's-- let's freshen up.
Nathan, I-I can't think about that right now.
My friends--they're all dead.
Give me your hand.
He's after us!
What do we do? What do we do?
There's an ATV out there.
-We're gonna make a run for it. -No. It'll get us.
-You still have that lighter? -Yeah.
-Good. -Why?
We're gonna create a little diversion.
On three, we run.
One...two...three.
Get on the back and hold on!
Hold on!
Go!
He's gaining on us! Go faster, Nathan!
Nathan, I'm really scared. What are we gonna do?
It's getting closer!
Don't stop, Nathan.
I've got an idea.
-There's no way out! -Yes, there is. There is.
Hear that?
Go! Go, go!
Go, go!
Hitch up your drawers.
Shoot it, Nathan! Shoot it!
Don't tread on me, super bitch.
Hey, that's the name of our song.
And there's your next album cover.
Good job, babe.
-Did you hear that? -I don't hear nothing.
♪ You are the ugliest thing that I've ever seen ♪
Oh!
♪ Don't tread on me