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We should have put Maya into Bharatanatyam dancing.
She could have followed in my footsteps.
Yes. That's why I had children.
So they could be just like my mom.
Shut up.
Yo, Maya, get your ass over here.
We're up next, bitches.
All right, listen up, fuckers.
You and Sohan enter from the back curtain.
Derek and I will be on the side.
Derek, you good? What the fuck?
My pants are too big, and I just learned the dance.
No one was expecting Jamal to twist his weak-ass ankle, okay?
We didn't have time to alter the damn costume, bro.
Jess, chill. We're gonna crush it.
One, two...
Melanin Mafia!
-All right. - Let's fucking go.
Let's go, Derek.
Goddamn, I miss Jamal.
You know every movement means something.
It's a story.
Look, she's offering two mangoes to the king.
Hey. Show me your boobs.
What? No.
Come on. We've still got a few minutes left.
Besides, it'll help me relax.
Okay, fine.
Only if you show me your thing, too.
Fine.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
What a big, strong snake.
Holy shit.
What's it doing?
- Oh, my eye! - Fuck. I'm-I'm sorry.
You jizzed in my fucking eyeball!
Pull up your pants.
I can't. They're stuck. Help me!
Spin. No, the other way.
Ah, shit. I can't do it, Jess.
- Pull it up. - Oh, fuck.
Whoa!
Again?
I'm gonna fuck you up!
-Spin. -Fuck these pants.
- Ah! Watch out, idiot! - Fuck!
Yeah, that's my boy, Sohan!
Maya?
What a slut.
Way to get eye-fucked, loser!
No wonder my sexual journey has been so fucked up.
What did I do in a past life to deserve a daughter like you?
It's all that "Sailor Moon" you're watching,
with her miniskirts and hooker friends!
When I was your age,
I wouldn't even dream of talking to boys.
And now you're out in public having...
I wasn't having sex.
Oh.
- What did you say? - "Sex"?
Where are you learning this language?
What would people say about you?
What do you expect?
She was born in a country
that has bigger butts than brains.
We should all go back to India.
Where she can learn proper discipline.
Raj and I worked so hard to come here and give her a better life.
Yes, and now Raj is living his better life
with another woman.
If she doesn't learn better,
she'll end up with someone just like her father.
You're right.
What?
What's "M.A.S.H."?
You want to have three kids with Leonardo DiCaprio, huh?
You must think you're very hot.
Let's see how much you like the heat.
You will stay here until all your dirty thoughts melt away.
Mmm, I want all 11 of Hrithik Roshan's fingers
to touch me.
Three thumbs, three holes.
How is it three?
What is this garbage?
Girls shouldn't be watching this.
You have to be very careful now.
Extra careful.
This means you can get pregnant like this now.
If you even look at a boy,
his sperm can enter your body through your eyes.
Wait, through your eyes?
Do you still want boys to touch your body?
- No, ma'am. - Good.
MAYA So, for the next 15 years,
I stopped focusing on getting that "D,"
and instead focused on getting straight A's.
With three fancy degrees, learning how to cook four different subjis
and a plan for the future, I was ready to go back to America.
This feels like a mistake.
You're a computer engineer,
and your plan is to beg for money?
I was so close to being proud.
It's not begging. It's called fundraising.
And again, Mom, you do not have to come with me.
- I'm an adult. - What kind of mother would I be
if I let my single daughter roam around the world by herself like an orphan?
One that respects boundaries?
- Don't make up words, Maya. - Mm.
If you think this is what's best, I accept it.
Just remember that I am old and will probably die soon.
Safe flight.
Fuck! Shit!
I'm back, Jess.
It has literally been 900 years.
Tell me everything, okay? The truth.
Not that bullshit you post on Instagram.
Okay, I just fact-checked my 300th article for "The Wall Street Journal,"
but the real tea is
I've been dating this girl, Tonya, for two weeks. Oh.
You know I don't kiss and tell 'cause that's tacky.
- Totally. - But she's a DJ,
and she has been remixing my pussy like fucking Tiësto.
Just like, "Oh, oh, oh."
I can barely walk.
Wait, do you still call your... you know, Garfield?
The most iconic kitty on the block? Hell yes.
And they're both grumpy on Mondays.
Now you go. Tell me everything.
Oh, I mean, there are so many things I could tell you.
Uh... Ooh, ooh. I don't get that weird eczema
on my knee anymore. Remember that?
Uh, what else?
I think I'm allergic to chickpeas.
Bitch, what?
Eczema and chickpeas?
Tell me some juicy India stories.
Have you been boning any young Hasan Minhajs?
No. No, no, no. I haven't... I haven't been boning anyone.
- Like... - Like ever, yet.
You're still a virgin?
- Shut up. - Holy shit, Maya.
That's weird.
I know. I'm so embarrassed.
I don't know, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Didn't you tell me you were hooking up
with some guy from your computer science class?
I lied.
Oh, yeah.
- Do you like that? - Mm-hmm.
You're so strong! You're so strong!
MAYA (voice-over): Unless 30 seconds of dry humping counts.
I probably only went to his house because, deep down,
I knew nothing would happen.
- Do you hear that? - What?
"Help! Help me!"
That's your pussy. She's got dry throat.
It's like a desert in there. "Give me a glass of water."
I've got an idea.
I'm gonna make it my mission to give you
every experience you missed out on in high school.
- Really? - High school bucket list.
"Help!"
- Are you hungover? - No.
- I have allergies. - If your grandma were here,
we'd be heading back to India right now.
At this rate, I should really sign up
for frequent flyer miles. Thank you.
I know what I did was extreme,
but I still think I did what was best for you.
And for me.
Hey, I'm just happy to be back.
I mean, come on, you must have missed America, too.
Weren't you lonely just hanging out with Nani all the time?
In India, I was lonely and hot.
In America, I'm lonely and fat.
Well, maybe you should find somebody to be lonely with.
Maya, I was already married once.
That's it. Women my age don't go hopping
- from relationship to relationship. - Whatever.
I'll just sell my app for millions of dollars
so you can fill that hole in your heart with a Lamborghini.
He'll see you now.
Big results! Big results!
Shit. Uh... uh... Am I interrupting?
You got eight minutes. Let's go.
Uh... Okay.
I think you'll agree that a lot of American parents
are concerned with what their teenagers
are consuming online because...
Get that ass down!
That's tight. That's tight. That's tight.
Why not put control back into parents' hands
with my app, Screen Better?
Don't just take your kids' phone away.
Take Jake Paul away from their phone.
Did you catch your son trying to fuck an old DVD, too?
No. Ow. No, I-I don't have any kids.
Why'd you make the app, then?
I went to high school in India where I learned discipline,
- but before that, I... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Well, how can you build a product that protects American teenagers
when you don't know what it's like to be an American teenager?
Uh...
- Beast mode! - Ah!
Fuck!
Aw, it couldn't have been that bad. Come on.
No. I mean, maybe he's right.
No, I'm not the right person to make this app.
No, you just need quality time with your demo.
Maybe you should get a job at a high school.
What?
No, I'm an entrepreneur. I'm not supposed to have a job.
Plus, I don't have a teacher's license.
I worked on this article. Turns out,
you don't need to be certified to work with kids.
Substitute teachers, tutors.
It's kind of fucked up, actually.
- Really? - Yeah.
Repeat after me.
I'm not a little bitch.
I am not a little bitch!
Good, 'cause I got a surprise for you.
- What? - Ding.
- Uh... - For your pussy.
Okay.
Start on a low setting. It gets kind of crazy.
Here's the thing.
I don't know if I've ever, like...
Never? Damn, girl.
Do you use one?
Yes. Of course. I've got like seven of those.
- Oh. - But not lately
'cause Tonya and I have been fucking like two times a day.
By the way, we are IG official.
- Holy shit! That was fast! - Mm-hmm.
- Congrats, dude. - Thank you.
- Also, holy shit, two times a day? - It's so much.
Yeah, dude, like, how often do you shower?
Not enough. Keep the windows down.
I am exhausted. I'm taking supplements.
Okay.
Maya, come! Come! Come!
- Wh-What, Mom? -Come for breakfast!
Yes, please. Oh, perfect.
Thank you so much, Farhad.
-Right here? Okay. - Right there. Thank you.
There we go.
Oh, this is my daughter Maya.
She was supposed to build the next Google,
but now she wants to be a half-teacher.
Always a self-esteem boost, Mom.
- Farhad lives two doors down. - Yes.
Mm. And now he's moving in?
Shut up. Farhad was kind enough to bring the delivery in
because the driver left it in the driveway.
Mom, I told you to get white glove service.
I tell you what, the next time you get delivery,
I wear white gloves, you give me $50.
Oh!
Oh, thank you so much, Farhad.
It's my pleasure.
Can I get you a cup of tea?
Eh... No, no, no.
I really should get to the office,
but, uh, maybe I can take a rain check?
Oh. First $50, and now he wants a check, too?
Your ma's very funny.
- Very nice to meet you. - Thank you so much.
-Bye-bye. - Bye-bye, now.
See you.
That was...
...interesting.
So, what's your plan?
Mm. Well, I submitted my résumé to a few recruitment websites,
and I already have a bunch of interviews.
Hmm.
Interview. I have one interview.
♪ Just watch us slay ♪
♪ Slay, slay, slay Just watch us slay ♪
♪ Slay, slay, slay ♪
♪ And though them hoes can drop it really low ♪
♪ Just watch us slay ♪
♪ Slay, slay, slay ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm badder than a millionaire... ♪
Principal Fletcher's office?
- Through that door. - Thank you.
♪ Slay, slay, slay... ♪
FLETCHER (voice-over): Maya, come on in.
I'm gonna level with you.
We've been given a mandate to ensure that our staff
is at least 30% diverse.
Currently, we're at four percent,
even with Mr. Brown, who apparently is white.
Diverse or not, we're completely understaffed.
- Uh... - No one wants to be a teacher.
So, unless you're a pedophile,
- I'm inclined to hire you. - Okay.
That was very straightforward. Uh, not a pedophile.
- Great. - But I would like to be a tutor.
Tutors don't count towards our total diversity numbers,
so I really hate that idea.
What I need is someone like you to be a substitute teacher.
Wow.
Someone like me is just gonna skip right over being offended
because that actually works out kind of perfectly.
- Great. - Yeah, and the great news is
you don't have to worry because computer science
is like my second language.
Oh, no, I have something different in mind for you.
Oh.
MAYA (voice-over): Hello, everyone.
I'm Ms. Singh, and I'll be teaching...
- ...sex ed. -Sick.
- Hot sex ed teacher. - Sweet.
Okay, even though that's true, that's not appropriate.
If I get a boner during class, do I get extra credit?
Please don't listen to him. He can't keep his mouth shut.
We're working on it.
You wouldn't have to work on my mouth. It does all the work for you.
Okay, stop that.
Uh, let's begin.
An STD is a sexually transmitted disease.
There are a number of them, some of which can be very harmful.
You could die. And be dead.
Ms. Singh, we know what STDs are. We're not stupid.
Yeah, Jason's mom gave me herpes.
The only person who should be entering you is Jesus.
Okay, okay, let's pay attention, all right?
Um, who can name some forms of contraception?
- Abstinence. - Having Kyle's face?
I have an IUD.
Okay. Well, cranberry juice helps with that.
- Did you know that? - IUD.
Not a UTI.
No, no, I knew that.
Are you even qualified to teach us?
- Yes. -I've probably had
more sex than you.
Okay, whoa. That is not true.
Oh, shit. Ms. Singh is "sing-le."
I can't teach this class.
- Why not? - Have you met your students?
They belong on reality TV.
Listen, I know they're a bunch of pricks,
but they need the guidance more than anyone.
Yeah, I'm more of an HTML kind of girl than an STD kind of girl.
Why can't you be both? I know plenty of slutty smart people.
It's a simple abstinence-based program
prescribed by the state. Just stick to the curriculum.
I'm sure it's the same crap you learned in high school.
Mm-hmm. I don't know.
So, we good?
JESS How are you gonna teach sex ed
when you've never had sex before?
It's not like history teachers fought in the Civil War, okay?
Plus, the curriculum is about abstinence. I'm a pro at that.
Yeah, well, maybe you can learn with the students.
Don't learn on the students, you creepy virgin.
Ooh, maybe you can learn on him.
No, I can't. He's not even dressed in 2000s gear.
I could never date a guy who can't follow a theme.
Who said anything about dating? Dating requires a commitment.
Which, by the way, Tonya and I said "I love you" yesterday.
- Already? - Yeah.
Do you have terminal cancer or something?
No, that's just me. But for you,
you just need to have fun. And it's perfect.
It's 2000s night.
You just pretend this is like a high school house party
and he's your lab partner or some shit.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah, okay. - Yeah. You got this.
You know what? I'm just gonna have fun.
- Yeah. - Right now.
Wait, before you go, check it out. Boom.
You've been iced, bitch!
You're holding a beer.
- Okay, whatever. - What are you, color-blind?
Yeah, I'm color-blind.
You're my favorite white friend.
Get on one knee and chug it anyway.
Aw...
You got this.
- Come on. Yes! - I can't do it.
- You can do it.
High...
school... bucket...
list!
Holy shit.
I'm gonna have diarrhea.
Well, pair that diarrhea with an orgasm.
Get over there, girl.
Oh, hi.
I'm Maya.
Do you want to be my... lab partner?
Fuck yeah.
Uh, I haven't been to the gym.
Ah, you smell like cookies.
- I had them for lunch. - Mmm.
Mommy.
Are you my mommy?
- I need some milk. Mmm. - Uh...
You want to see my little baby wiener?
Uh, I'm sure it's bigger than a baby wiener.
No, it's so tiny.
- Okay. - My little baby wiener
wants back inside that nice, warm cave.
Not this warm cave.
Yeah, a little umbilical cord connected both of us.
I remember, I was in my embryo, in my amniotic sack.
- That's not... No. - I've been bad.
Make me jizz in my little diaper.
Shit. Okay. Um, you know, why don't...
why don't you just use your lips to kiss me?
Right here, okay?
Yeah.
Extra careful.
Mommy!
Yes, Maya?
Uh, sorry, Mom! Nothing!
Is that your real mom?
Do you think that she would want to join us?
Because a grandma would really take this to the next level.
You should go.
♪ Where my girls at? Where my girls at? ♪
♪ Where my girls at? ♪
♪ Where my, where my girls at? ♪
- ♪ Where my girls at? Yeah ♪ -Hi, Ms. Singh.
♪ Where my girls at? ♪
Abbey, hi. Hi.
Um, would you like to join the...
Hi. Would you like to join the Abstinence Club?
- What? - We're recruiting students
to join our mission in promoting school-wide abstinence.
Would you like to join?
I've had sex with eight people.
Including your dad.
- Nathaniel Johnson? - Here.
Okay, great.
Um, Abbey...
...Ho?
Yup. Here.
Oh. Okay. Good for you guys.
What do you mean?
Oh. Well, I mean...
You know.
Are you laughing because her last name is Ho?
No! No, no, no. Of course not.
No, I'm not laughing. I just...
I honestly expected everybody else to laugh.
Why would we do that?
- Her last name is Ho. - Okay, wow.
Okay, well, I'm glad you're all so mature.
All right. And, Abbey, for the record,
I know plenty of Asian Hos.
Okay, moving on to today's lesson.
Uh, we are going to role-play.
Babe, pretend to be my stepsister.
Why does everyone want to have sex with their family?
No, not that kind of role-play.
You're gonna be acting out these lines
to learn the severity of pregnancy.
All right. There you go. Okay.
"When I first found out that I was pregnant,
I started getting scared because of the pain."
"I can get her ice cubes to make her feel more comfortable.
I am a young, naive man."
Two weeks later.
"Ow, ow, ow. I wish I never had sex.
Please make it stop. Ow, ow, ow."
"There's so much blood!"
"This is gonna take 36 hours.
You may never walk again."
"I think my kidney is falling out."
"It is."
Seriously, Ms. Singh, what the hell is this?
Uh...
Oh.
Hi. I'm Linda Smeighton,
Teacher of the Year three years in a row.
Oh, wow.
I'm Maya, the new sex ed teacher for the first time.
The substitute.
- Yeah. - Oh, that's so fun.
Now, I hate to be a stickler for the rules,
but technically the teachers' lounge
- is for teachers only. - But I am a teacher.
But you're not technically a teacher, right? You're a substitute.
We can't just let anybody in here.
It's a capacity issue. It's not safe.
Oh... 'kay.
Oh, I didn't realize
- it was tight in here... - And I have dibs on that mug.
Number one teacher, that's me.
Well...
I'm sure I'll be seeing you around,
just not in this lounge, okay?
You know, honey, if it makes you feel any better,
I usually put laxatives in her coffee,
and then I take all the toilet paper out of the teachers' restroom.
That does make me feel better. Thank you.
I'm Barb. I don't wear underwear. You?
Oh. Uh, I do.
- Oh, no, honey, your name. - Oh. Maya.
- That's good to know, though. - Okay. Yeah.
Oh, I got to go.
It's sloppy joe day, and I got to prep the "meat."
Don't eat it.
Bye.
- Oh. - Oh. Sorry.
It's okay. It's actually a push.
Oh.
So that's why it says "Push" on it.
Uh...
- At your service. - Thank you.
I'll be sure to leave you a positive Yelp review.
No need. Us Asians, we got to stick together.
Chances are you're the only staff member
who can properly pronounce my name.
Really? Well, I mean, I'm a pretty different kind of Asian, but I'll try.
What's your name?
I was bluffing. It's Alex.
"Alax"? "Allux"?
I'm Maya. I'm new.
Oh, no way. Me, too.
What are you teaching, Maya?
Uh... sex ed.
Awesome.
I teach computer science.
I know. Nerd alert.
Well, uh, I'll be seeing you around.
Was it...
..."May-ah"?
Nailed it.
♪ Easy feeling, let go whenever I want... ♪
I'm coming up all grays over here.
Mmm. "Vivid."
Son of a bitch. Double V's?
- Speaking of double V's... - Mm.
...I introduced Tonya to my parents.
Goddamn! You're gonna have a ring on your finger
before I even give a hand job.
What about that dude from the club?
Mm-mm.
- He wanted me to play mommy. - Ew.
I love a good kink, but the whole guys and the "mommy" thing? No.
But I did meet this cute guy at school,
and honestly, he's such a daddy.
Okay, why are you still talking?
Show me his Insta.
- Okay. - It's a sleepover.
- Come on. - Ooh. Yes.
-He's cute, right? - So cute.
-Go, Allux. - What are you, 12?
- Zoom in on his dick. - What? No!
He's wearing gray sweatpants. That's practically begging for it.
-Don't. Oh, my goodness. -Okay, see his outline?
Holy shit, you can. What a fucking slut.
Okay, fuck it up!
Gray sweatpants and he can cook? I might suck his dick.
Watch this.
- For you to enjoy later. - Okay, stop.
But I'm just gonna be super chill.
Like, whatever, casual.
No over-the-top flirting.
Nice balls!
What?
Uh, soccer.
- Oh. Yeah. - Yeah.
I feel like such a fraud coaching soccer.
I don't know anything about it.
Oh, I can't imagine the feeling.
Oh.
Of course you two are friends.
Hi, Linda.
It's probably super hard fitting in sometimes when you're different.
Well, actually, right now, you're the minority.
You know, I don't personally like to categorize people by their skin color,
but to each their own.
Right. I'll, uh, see you both inside.
Oh, so you got the good parking space today, huh, Maya?
- Yeah, it was open. - This is technically my space.
Really? 'Cause there wasn't technically a sign.
Oh, it probably fell down.
Wow, really? 'Cause I didn't see one on the ground either anywhere.
Well, I've been parking here for years.
- Well, it's a free country. - You know what?
I'll be sure to put another sign up in both English and Hindu.
That would be great. Just make sure it says,
"Reserved for Scott Pilgrim with tits."
Have a great day.
You, too.
- Do I have to? - Yes.
Getting high in the backwoods is peak high school.
Pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull. Let go of your thumb.
Good girl.
Ugh. It smells horrible, dude.
Tonya hates the smell, too.
Oh, by the way, we started a podcast together.
You're podcast official?
Dude, that's some serious shit.
When you know, you know.
Dude, what other high school staples did I miss out on?
Hmm.
Mix CDs.
That was, like, the truest sign of love.
Aw, fuck. I can't believe I missed mix CDs with you.
I have a CD player in my car. That shit still slaps.
Hey, what about sex ed?
I mean, you couldn't call what we had sex ed.
It was just Mr. Turner, the gym teacher,
using a bunch of food analogies willy-nilly.
Like, "Women have eggs,
"and when you mix the eggs with the man's yogurt,
that bakes a baby."
I still think about it
every time I eat a fucking parfait.
That is so messed up.
Half the schools in the state don't teach sex ed.
It's crazy.
Really?
Yep.
I don't know. Maybe I have an opportunity here.
Like, I didn't learn anything about sex or sexuality till college.
I didn't even know I was gay till I bought,
like, my tenth Kristen Stewart poster.
The first nine, I was like:
♪ Straight little girl ♪
♪ I'm as straight as can be ♪
♪ Hoop earrings and a long dress for me ♪
The tenth, I was like, "Dyke mode activated."
You're right. This class is just pure scare tactics.
It's not like I'm teaching them anything that'll help them understand themselves.
It doesn't help that I don't know shit about shit.
Okay. I have an idea.
Let me show you some sex ed, you stoner.
♪ Clear the way ♪
♪ Time to slay ♪
♪ I'm way too fine to be M.I.A. ♪
To catch his unborn kids.
♪ It's your stage ♪
♪ Do it your way... ♪
Missionary. Cowgirl.
Doggy style.
Gang bang!
- Fuck no! - I mean, no.
Definitely no.
But yes for some people.
You got to be sex positive.
♪ Twerk it, how to do it ♪
♪ Work it like a queen ♪
♪ Do your, do your thing ♪
♪ Work it like a queen ♪
♪ Let them feel that energy ♪
♪ Work it like a queen, work it ♪
♪ Mm-uh, work it ♪
♪ Ooh-uh Work it like a queen ♪
♪ Do your, do your thing ♪
♪ Work it like a queen ♪
♪ Let them feel that ener-- ♪
I should go home.
Before my mom calls your mom.
Shit. Now you got to go home
and pretend not to be stoned in front of your mom.
That's another bucket list item.
I'm not used to this spice.
- My eyes are watering. - Oh, really?
- Okay, I'm gonna try. - You must try.
But try the big one. You must like it.
- You sure not too hot? - No, it's not spicy. Not at all.
- How is it? - My God.
What are you doing to me?
Oh, you must have some tea. It will help.
-How do you eat this? - White gloves!
- What's going on? - Hello.
Caught Farhad heading to the grocery store
because he ran out of ginger. I told him not to be silly.
It's true.
Because we never run out.
- Fascinating. -Had I known
my poor planning would have resulted in
this delicious chai and lovely company,
I would have been disorganized much sooner.
Well, it's getting late.
- I should be making dinner for Maya. - Oh...
Oh, don't worry about it. I'm not even hungry.
Don't be silly. Have a good night.
Uh, okay. Of course.
Very nice to see you again.
Bye. Don't forget your ginger.
- Thank you. - Enjoy that.
I'll let you know how everything goes.
Oh, okay. Good night. Thank you for coming.
Good night. Thank you so much.
- Uh, Mom? - Hmm?
I think Farhad was, like, flirting with you.
What nonsense.
He wanted ginger, so I gave him ginger.
- That's it. - Yeah.
He wanted your ginger all right.
What do you mean, my "ginger"?
You know, like your...
ginger spice.
Don't talk about ginger that way.
What kind of woman do you think I am? Hmm?
You think I would be hanging out with random men?
Mom, there's nothing wrong with enjoying somebody's company.
- Chill. - There was no company.
- It was just ginger. - Got it.
I should go, uh, prep.
- Mm-hmm. - For my class.
It's, uh, computer science.
Ginger spice.
Get... get out, you dirty girl.
Hey, what's good?
Wow.
Very impressive work.
Go Super Saiyan on that thing, baby!
- Thank you. - No! Oh.
Ms. Singh, that's...
that's my emotional support porn.
This is why we need Screen Better.
What?
All right, class, today we're gonna try something a little different.
Does anybody know what this is?
Your Tinder profile.
Looks like Kyle's sister.
- Madison's labia. -Oh, my God.
It's a gender elephant.
Correct. Lots of countries teach this.
Now, everyone, please write down your gender identity,
expression and sex assigned at birth
- as you understand it. - How is this educational?
Yeah, I don't get it.
Aren't those all the same thing?
Actually, no.
Your gender identity, gender expression
and sex assigned at birth can all be different.
It's okay if you're not sure.
Just... come on. G-Give it a try.
That's what's up.
Thank you.
♪ I'm on a mission, I've got a plan ♪
♪ I let nothing slip through my hands ♪
♪ Straight to the point as fast as I can ♪
♪ I see through your disguises ♪
♪ Try as you might, there's no fooling me ♪
♪ It's time we turned up the heat ♪
♪ I'm on your tail, as cool as can be ♪
♪ There's no use in hiding. ♪
- Oops. -Oh.
- Hi. - Maya.
Uh... you can have it.
No, no. You, uh, you take it. You were there first.
No. It's fine. It was for my mom anyways.
Oh, then you should definitely take it.
No, really. My mom usually has so much ginger,
but she ran out because she gave it away while flirting.
Flirting? Is that how flirting works?
'Cause if that's the case,
then... can I cook you dinner?
♪ Why are you lying to yourself again... ♪
What?
What do you mean you're rewriting the curriculum?
- Does Fletcher know about that? -I mean,
she said I could make some changes.
- She said that? - No.
Just be careful.
I've heard that Fletcher lives and dies by the school board.
It'll be fine. I mean, today's lesson really got me thinking
about the kind of impact I want to make.
I admire your enthusiasm.
Wow. Ooh, I admire that you know how to make
- such good Thai...? - Filipino.
Filipino food.
Yes. Here I was mistaking you for Diet Asian.
Uh, I'm offended by that.
I was actually the eighth member of BTS.
- Oh. - I just decided to quit the fame
- and become a teacher instead. - Mm.
Also, I'm not Korean.
Obviously. You're Filipino.
What were you doing before Proudamore?
Well, I was actually in India.
- I moved there when I was 13. - Okay.
- How did that happen? - Well, my mom made us move
because she was scared I was turning into a "wild American teenager,"
which to be fair, I absolutely was.
Wow. I've heard of immigrant parents
threatening that before, but I don't know anyone
whose parents actually did that.
Why did you come back here?
I love India, you know? But this is home.
It just... It was time.
- Yeah. - Plus, there's this app
I'm trying to get off the ground. I don't know.
Don't just gloss over the million-dollar idea
I could potentially steal. I didn't realize you were a tech nerd.
I actually wanted to teach computer science
but got stuck with sex ed because
they already had a teacher that was cuter than me.
What a cute asshole.
♪ Hurts me every time a... ♪
Okay, this guy graduated from MIT,
is old enough to rent a car
but young enough to know who BTS is
and could probably make better roti than me.
I should stop being a little bitch and just go for it, right?
♪ Do, I do you ♪
♪ You, you do me ♪
♪ Huh, a blue moon ♪
♪ What? Blue sea ♪
♪ A new coupe with two seats, huh ♪
♪ You move to a new beat... ♪
Maya?
Uh, you know what?
It's, um...
It's getting really late,
and I still have to plan tomorrow's lesson, so...
- Yeah. - Okay.
Bye.
Did I just bow? What is wrong with me?
Maya, you need to turn this vagina around right now!
Fuck you, legs.
♪ Make your body move like you're never gonna stop ♪
♪ Got to get it poppin' like you're never gonna stop ♪
♪ Drop it down and shake it like you're never gonna... ♪
Vodka with a splash of vodka to drown your sorrows in.
I don't get it!
You know, I was enjoying it,
and then he started to touch my body,
and I just kept thinking of my Nani and my mom.
- Ew. - He could've K-popped my cherry.
If he was Korean. He's not. He's Filipino.
It's different. They're different.
It's a whole-- You had to be there!
Maybe you're into girls.
I don't think so. I can barely look at my own vagina.
That's 'cause of the angle. You got to use a mirror and a ring light.
High school bucket list:
experiment with your sexuality, girl.
Mmm.
♪ Never gonna stop, never, never gonna stop ♪
♪ Make your body move like you're never gonna stop ♪
♪ Got to get it poppin'... ♪
♪ This dyke wanna go all night, boom, boom ♪
♪ This dyke wanna be alone with you... ♪
Are you liking that pussssayyyyyy?
♪ This dyke wanna go all night, boom, boom... ♪
I'm not dancing on the same beat as her.
Bitch, you're not on Dancing with the Stars.
Just relax and grind on her pussy.
What?
Her pussy?
Yes! Grind that pussy!
♪ Tell me with your eyes when we reach the highway... ♪
Are you sure?
Yes! Grind her now!
Oh!
Did you just punch my pussy?
No, no, no, I didn't mean to! I meant to grab it.
What in the actual fuck?!
I said grind it!
You told me to grab her by the pussy!
- Why the fuck would I say that?! - I don't know!
- It's called consent, bitch! - Me Too?
I haven't had sex yet, and I was trying to figure out if I was gay!
Oh, so I'm just another straight-girl experiment.
Fuck off, virgin!
She is from a small town in India.
- She has camels in her pussy! - I do not!
No, there's not!
MAYA (voice-over): Today, we will be crafting our genitals.
Or whatever body part you feel best expresses your sexuality.
Maya. Hi. Can I audit your class?
I never had sex ed.
Uh, sure, Barb. I don't see why not.
All right, class, let's...
Good? All right, class, let's...
All right.
Let's make some art!
♪ Boomshakalaka-laka... ♪
The internal clitoris covered in glitter.
I call it "the glittery clittery."
Is masturbating with glitter safe?
I'm sorry. I should save my questions till the end. Sorry.
Thank you for that inspiring visual, Jasmine.
Please place that on our sexual anatomy board.
♪ Shake it, girl, shake it, girl... ♪
Next.
His name's Goku.
Based on a true story.
I call bullshit.
No.
I'm glad you feel so confident, Kyle. Put it on the board.
♪ Boomshakalaka-laka Shake it, girl, shake it, girl ♪
- Next. - So, I created my boobs out of wire
to protest the underwire in bras.
Preach. Put it on the board.
- Next. - I'm protesting this exercise.
Fair enough. Who's next?
It's a queef.
If you put it sideways, it kind of looks like a sunrise.
- I hate the sun. - Okay.
- Next. - It's, uh, it's a penis pipe.
You can smoke it like this.
Uh, do not smoke your penis.
Abbey. What's up?
When-when is it okay to have sex?
Oh. Uh, well, I guess that depends on you.
Just-- I have a boyfriend, and-and he's a senior
at West Hill, and he's been, um...
You know, he want, he wants to...
Do you want to?
I don't know. I...
I-I don't not want to.
You know, Abbey, there's nothing wrong with taking your time.
You know, you're young, and sex will always be there.
Even when you're my age.
Oh, I don't want to wait that long.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, well, if you are ready, then...
honestly, it's your choice.
But please just be safe about it.
Okay. Yeah.
Hey, uh, thanks for actually listening to me, Ms. Singh.
Of course.
- See ya, Barb. - Oh, see ya, honey.
Good luck with the sex.
Nice, guys. Reset. Let's do it again.
Yeah, I want to talk to you. You got to focus here. Come on.
- Hey, Ms. Singh. - What's up, Jason?
Your class was dope today.
Oh, thank you.
Coach Cruz is the best, huh?
Kyle, stop it. Go take a lap right now.
Is Coach out there?
Listen, can I ask you a question?
That depends. Do I get paid overtime?
I'm-I'm kidding. Ask me the question.
Would you ever date someone younger than you?
Not me. Gross.
- Okay, well, how much older? - Older. She goes to this school.
So what's the problem?
She's, like, really confident and experienced,
and I just don't know how to show her I like her, too.
You know, I got to show her I'm, like, mature.
Maybe you should make a grand gesture.
You know, sweep her off her feet.
Show her that you're serious.
- Grand gesture, huh? - Yeah.
I mean, the worst she can say is "no."
- Okay, cool. Thanks, Ms. Singh. - Got it.
Number one player, back on the field!
Watch out, ladies!
NALINI I guess it's not a horrible idea
to invite a nice man to a respectable family dinner.
Great. Okay. So...
So, how's class going?
Are your students engineers yet?
Good. It's going good. Yeah.
Uh, yesterday, we covered the difference between hardware and software.
Isn't it right in the title? One is hard, one is soft?
I could be a computer engineer.
- What are you... what are you doing? - Totally.
We are playing to your strengths, Mom. Take it as a compliment.
So, have you seen Farhad recently?
No. Why would I?
I don't know. He seems nice.
M-Maybe you'd like to come?
Go, aunty. See, Mom?
It doesn't matter how old you are.
You can still live life.
This is a TV show, Maya.
No respectable woman would behave like this in public.
What would people say?
Who are these people?
Where-where are these people?
And why do they matter?
The community. See, you don't understand
because you make friends by poking strangers on the Facebook.
Back in my day, all we had was our community.
Whatever. Also, no one even uses Facebook anymore...
- Shut up. - Fine.
Okay.
You can do this.
It's just you touching you.
Okay.
Yeah.
Here goes.
Yes. Okay.
Think sexy thoughts.
Penis.
Hard penis.
Clean penis.
Hard, clean penis.
Yeah, no. Okay, here we go.
Container store.
Okay. Yeah.
Mm.
Surprise Beyoncé album.
Oh!
Okay. Oh, yeah.
Ooh. She just fucking drops them out of nowhere!
You're always right.
Oh, my God. Oh.
That's different.
♪ I'm feeling like the Mona Lisa ♪
♪ Like a dime, like a masterpiece, yeah ♪
♪ Gloss it up like a magazine, I wanna ♪
♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce like a trampoline ♪
♪ Turn it up like, "Hey!" ♪
♪ Gonna go like, "Oh!" ♪
♪ Come on, let's go, go, go, bring the boom ♪
♪ I bring the boom ♪
♪ Yeah, I bring the boom. ♪
Why are you still in bed? It's 11:00 a.m.
Mom, no, it's not! Can I have some privacy, please?
What's that?
That is, uh, a mixer.
Yeah, the new, uh, Magic Bullet Mini.
Why is it in here?
Because I had a smoothie. Last night.
Yeah, I brought it up here to not wake you up, and...
- What kind of smoothie? - Uh...
Was the milk expired?
No! Ma, I really need to get ready.
Okay, get out, get out, get out, get out.
- It's okay. I'll take this. - Uh...
I made you breakfast.
No, no, no, no, Mom. The milk was expired.
Throw that away. Right now.
- Ah. - You sure?
Seems good to me.
Huh? Mm. Whatever.
More for me. Mmm.
So good.
So thick, so creamy.
MAYA (voice-over): Welcome to vulva week.
Over the next few days, we'll be reviewing the female orgasm,
aka the Big O.
Lights, please.
Now we're talking.
You can't be serious.
Today's lesson is about the late great Betty Dodson,
professional masturbator and vulva Yoda.
So we've got the power in our genitals
to do anything we want if we claim the power.
♪ Why do you think I been stumbling that way? ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm ♪
♪ Freaky, freaky Walk that walk ♪
♪ Talk that talk Play it, walk that talk ♪
As you can see, woman are capable of having multiple orgasms.
It's important for everybody to get to know their body.
You know, what you like, what you don't like.
Your homework is to get to know yourself, in your own way,
however you feel comfortable.
Sick! I already did my homework at lunch.
Up next: how to locate the G-spot.
- Dope. - ♪ Yeah, I'm freaky ♪
♪ Yeah, boy, yeah, I'm freaky ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm freaky, yeah, boy, yeah, I'm freaky ♪
♪ I'm freaky, freaky, freaky... ♪
Safe.
Safe. Safe.
Safe, baby.
So safe. Really safe.
I feel so safe.
- Super safe. - Okay.
Whoa!
Oh!
♪ Yeah, boy, yeah, I'm freaky ♪
♪ I'm freaky, yeah, boy, yeah, I'm freaky ♪
♪ I'm freaky, freaky, freaky... ♪
Today...
we talk squirting.
Homosexuality can be found
in so many plant and animal species.
For example, male penguins.
Spoiler alert: super gay.
Yeah, now you know why they really have happy feet.
♪ Yeah, I'm freaky, yeah, boy, yeah, I'm freaky ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm freaky, yeah, boy, yeah, I'm freaky... ♪
Hi, Maya. Oops.
You took my mug again. That's okay.
Um, shouldn't you be teaching yoga somewhere?
How you like that yoga?
Yeah?
Namaste.
Bitch.
I mean, clearly you have seniority.
That is so rude. Anyway, I made you one.
Oh, that is so nice of you.
You remind me of my housekeeper.
- Oh. - She's so nice, too.
High school bucket list: graffiti the bathroom wall.
Oh.
Is anybody in here? Is anybody in here?
Maybe you shouldn't eat so many dicks, Linda!
Hey, who's there?! No more, no more, no more.
No more, no more. Machine Gun Kelly.
And finally, the shoulder holder,
popular in the UK and Japan, according to a new poll.
Any questions?
I refuse to hear any more of this.
- What's a reverse cowgirl? - Great question.
That is one of the commander-in-chief positions.
Especially empowering for women.
Because-- spoiler alert-- women can and should enjoy sex as well.
- Barb? - What position do you recommend
for someone with a very, very, very, very tight vagina?
Cowgirl or 69.
But especially good is doggy style.
She was... masturbating.
She said it was a school assignment.
I saw the whole thing, Principal Fletcher.
Ms. Singh was encouraging her students to have S-E-X
and get pregnant. We don't need any more babies in the world.
Some countries have already overpopulated it.
What? No, I wasn't. That's not true.
Ms. Singh, you do know that we have a very strict curriculum here.
I am giving them a more comprehensive sex education.
I mean, they deserve to learn about anatomy,
body positivity, pleasure.
My daughter does not need to learn about any of that.
Oh. Okay. So you'd rather
she learn about all this from Cardi B lyrics?
- I don't know who that is. - It's Beyoncé.
Do you know how much money
I have donated to the school football program?
Maya, it's a simple,
abstinence-focused program prescribed by the state.
Okay? No, no, no. We don't need anything more.
Just teach the book.
Just teach the book, Maya.
Even you can handle that.
- Hi. - Hey. Want to get drunk?
I hate to say "I told you so."
- So I won't say it. - Thank you.
But check your texts.
Ha ha. How do they expect me to teach this antiquated nonsense?
- Change takes time. - No.
I mean, there has to be a better way to teach kids about sex.
Yeah.
Uh...
- Can you excuse me for a second? - Mm-hmm.
Ms. Singh, what are you doing here?
I think the question is: What are you doing here?
'Cause it is a school night, and you're underage.
I snuck out with my boyfriend.
Hi. Can you excuse us for a sec, boyfriend?
- Thank you. - Man.
- How did you even get in here? - I used my cousin's ID.
But no one even noticed.
Damn white bouncer.
Please don't tell my parents.
- I won't. - Thanks, Ms. Singh.
Also, I thought about our talk, and I'm gonna take your advice.
I'm ready.
Wait, what?
We're gonna do it. Tonight.
Abbey, listen, okay?
I know I've been teaching you all the benefits of sex,
but in reality, sex is a big deal.
I mean, are you even emotionally ready?
And you don't want to do something you're gonna regret.
What happened to overcoming shame by Brené Brown?
Brené Brown ain't brown. You and I are both from cultures
where people will criticize us.
Okay? So we just have to be extra careful.
But he's down with the commander-in-chief positions.
- Abbey, listen to me. - No.
You don't even believe what you're teaching us.
Maybe you need to get laid.
Can I get three vodka shots, please?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on.
I don't want to do this when you're this drunk.
Oh, come on. What?
Now that I'm gonna do it, you don't want it?
Maya, you're trashed. Just slow down.
What, are you nervous?
- Oh, it's just sex. - No.
I wanna get to know you more.
Why? This is what normal people do.
Wait. Don't tell me. Are you, like, a virgin
- or something? - I'm not. I'm just...
I'm a little scarred from my ex.
Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah.
I didn't realize you had so much trauma.
I'm just trying to be honest and vulnerable with you,
and I'm sorry if that's coming off as...
Weak? Prude?
Yeah. A little.
I think you should leave.
What?
Kyle, can you please read out loud?
Yeah. Um...
"Gonorrhea stays in your body if it is not treated."
Uh, "Gonorrhea can also spread to the blood and joints.
"Gonorrhea can be very serious.
- Gon..." - Ms. Singh. What's up?
Why are we going back to day-one shit?
Yeah, your classes have been dope.
Yeah, it's like, for the first time,
someone actually spoke to us
like we're not just stupid kids.
I can't teach that anymore.
I have to go back to the regular curriculum
mandated by the state.
Are you okay?
Yeah, just a rough week.
Do you want to talk about it?
That would be highly inappropriate.
- I fucked up so bad with him. - Mm.
Yeah, but, you know, you're allowed to make mistakes.
No one is perfect.
I'm so confident with everything else, you know?
But when it comes to this... stuff, it's like I'm broken.
"Stuff"?
You mean sex?
Ms. Singh, sounds like you're dealing with a lot of shame.
And like you're afraid of intimacy.
We learned this all from you, Ms. Singh.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
And also from TikTok.
You'll find your way.
Good luck with your smashing, Ms. Singh.
- I believe in you. - Thanks, Nathaniel.
Hey, you got this, Ms. Singh.
- Fuck it up, Ms. Singh. - I'll try.
Hey.
Do you want to come to my house for an early dinner?
Holy shit balls.
The fuck?
Who is it?
Yeah, I'm looking for Barb.
What's the password?
Uh...
"Clitoris"?
-Enter, darling. - Yeah.
Barb, this looks amazing.
Mm. I steal all the ingredients from the cafeteria.
Oh. Well, thank you.
Okay, also, I have to ask.
Your house is, like, really nice and super...
- Expensive. - Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Full disclosure. I have been married twice.
My second husband was very rich.
He invented the little robot vacuum.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I've always wanted one of those.
It was my idea. You know how it is.
Behind every great man is an even greater woman
doing all the invisible labor.
Mm, totally.
So, can I ask, uh, why didn't it work out?
Oh, uh, he couldn't keep up with me, sexually.
Also, he had a real problem
with my orgasm face, so I started faking it.
What face were you making?
Ooh...!
Wow. I mean, that should be your profile picture.
- It is. - Oh.
Are you not gonna return the favor?
Go ahead. We're in a safe space.
Oh.
- That is good. - Yeah?
- Yeah. You go inward and I go outward. - Huh.
You know, I was repressing a lot of myself being with him.
- I didn't fart for six years. - Shit.
Maya, being in your class has been liberating.
That makes me really happy.
But I've been thinking, maybe I actually don't know what I'm doing, you know?
Maybe I should quit.
What?! No!
You cannot quit on those kids.
I'm-I'm not even a real teacher.
This isn't what I do.
Honey, I think it is what you do.
Hmm.
Ooh...!
Mm.
- Oh! - Ooh.
- Oh...! - Ooh...
The sexual revolution was essential.
It worked to normalize contraception,
porn, premarital sex,
homosexuality, masturbation and abortions.
You know what? Maybe as a kid,
you were taught that even thinking about sex
meant you were a bad person.
They told you not to touch yourself down there
because then you'd get a weird disease on your fingers
and maybe they would fall off. Then you wouldn't be able to type
and get a professional degree, and then it's like,
how would you get back to America?
And now, every time you even come close to having an orgasm,
all you can think about is your grandmother's face.
You're so close.
Just like...
Nani.
She's right there.
For too long, we've obsessed over this idea of
"What will other people think?"
'Cause we don't want to bring shame to ourselves
and to our families.
Well, kids, I'm here to tell you
that those days are over!
Yeah, they are.
Because everyone gets horny.
-Yeah! - Everyone has wet dreams.
-Yeah! -Let's go.
And everybody's mother has licked their vibrator at some point.
We need a sex ed revolution,
and it needs to start in this school today!
Am I right? Am I fucking right?!
Ms... Ms. Singh!
Ms. Singh! Ms. Singh!
Get down. Come on. Get down.
- Get down. -Get down.
- Ms. Singh, get down. - Get down.
Mrs. Smeighton, will you please take over
- while Ms. Singh is gone? Come on. - Yes, of course.
-No, come on! -No, Ms. Singh.
Let's take a walk.
-That's bullshit! - I heard that swear.
Party's over.
Let's get this filth off the screen.
It's time for your sex education
to truly begin.
Do you know any sex positions?
Yeah, sure, I know a good sex position.
Syphilis.
Have you lost your fucking mind?
I am teaching these kids valuable lessons, okay?
They're not learning this stuff at home.
I hired you to teach a strict curriculum
enforced by the state and the school board,
and you decided to become the Malala of sex education.
Now they've got my urethra wrapped around my neck like a noose.
When I started at this school,
one of my students thought the cervix was a new Tesla model.
And your mom sucking on your vibrator is educational how?
She wasn't sucking it. She just licked it.
I need to work at this school.
- I am learning so much. - Look at my hands.
- What? - Do you see anything in them? No.
Because this is officially in the hands of the school board now.
Okay. Fine. So who do I speak to?
Your only option is to make an appeal at the board's next meeting.
But I doubt it'll make a difference.
They're a bunch of tyrants.
When is it?
Wait, Ms. Singh!
Sorry. I'm actually not your teacher anymore.
Mm, that sucks.
I just wanted to tell you I didn't have sex with my boyfriend.
Really?
He wasn't respecting my boundaries.
And he also wanted to do it to Chainsmokers.
Mm, yeah. That's a red flag.
But... good for you, Abbey.
I wish you could stay.
Mrs. Smeighton says every time you have premarital sex an angel dies.
Hmm.
Anyway, I should get back to class.
Yeah.
I want to look away, but I can't.
And now let's watch the video in reverse
so the baby goes back in.
Get in, loser. We're going TPing.
Yeah, I'm not in the mood, Jess.
Ah. Me neither.
Honestly, Tonya and I got in this huge fight at Target.
We don't fuck as much as we used to.
Come on. High school bucket list.
TP the principal's house.
I mean, the bitch deserves it.
What is that gonna accomplish?
I don't know, Aunty. It'll make us feel good?
Why am I even listening to you?
Not everything is about feeling good, Jess.
- I never said that. - Yeah, eventually,
you just have to, like, grow up and be responsible.
Seriously? You're telling me to grow up?
That is... That's funny.
Why? Huh? 'Cause I'm a virgin?
No. 'Cause you're stuck on some childhood trauma,
and you expect everyone else to accommodate.
A-And now you're lashing out at me
even though I've done nothing but help you since you got back.
Well, I didn't realize you were keeping score.
Yeah, what are you, my therapist?
You're gonna send me a fucking invoice?
You know what your problem is? You're salty
because I'm not afraid of intimacy and you are.
Here's the thing.
- I don't need your help. - Oh.
'Cause I don't want to be like you.
Okay? I don't want to have sex two times a day
or finger-fuck a papaya, okay?
Because you know why? It's not a good look.
It's embarrassing.
Wow.
You're fucked-up, dude.
That's not my problem.
You'll need this 'cause you're a fucking asshole!
♪ I'm trying to find a way ♪
♪ Find the words to say ♪
♪ With every passing day ♪
♪ I know it's not the same no more ♪
♪ You had me in your hold, I know... ♪
I've been wanting to do something for quite a while.
♪ Now it's silence through the phone ♪
♪ Held onto this too long ♪
♪ Your faults and your mistakes ♪
♪ They don't hurt me anymore ♪
♪ I just don't know what to say, no... ♪
- Let me get my ID. - That's okay. You look old enough.
♪ And it's 3:00 in the morning ♪
♪ And I wanna feel your touch ♪
♪ I want to hate you ♪
♪ But I'm, I'm still in love ♪
♪ And I feel too much... ♪
-Hi. - Hey.
Maya?
Yeah, that's me.
Hey. Maya.
It's me.
Sohan.
- Sohan? - Yeah.
What the fuck are you doing here?
This is my job. You're in my office.
What the fuck are you doing here?
- I thought you were in India. - I came back.
- Holy shit. - Holy shit. Yeah.
What have you been up to?
Well, I-I was a sex ed teacher.
And then I got fired because the school thought
I was being inappropriate with my students.
Yeah, even though I was just being a badass bitch.
- Ah, damn. - Yeah.
But I'm actually a computer engineer.
I'm launching my own app soon, so...
- Damn. - Yeah.
Okay, well, uh, this was gonna be my last ride
of the night anyway, so...
You trying to fuck with some Molly?
Mm...
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. -Yeah.
Oh, my God. Mm, yeah.
Ooh, Maya, you are still so sexy.
You were, like, the first guy I ever had feelings for.
Can't believe I'm gonna lose it to you.
Mm-hmm. Wait, what? What? Lose what?
I just meant like, you know, lose control
and just go wild while we just... sex.
I was so in love with you.
- Yeah? - It sucked when you moved.
I mean, it wa-- it was for the best, right?
I mean, how did you keep going to school?
Wasn't it so humiliating?
No, not really.
Mm, what do you mean, "No, not really"?
I mean, we were kids.
And also, it helped me get a girlfriend after you left.
So, let me get this straight.
Uh, I got sent away, and you got a girlfriend
and a fun memory?
Are you... mad?
I thought you wouldn't give a shit.
I mean, you're Maya.
What does that even mean?
It means you're a badass. Right?
Yeah.
Now I'm just an unemployed half-teacher.
Well, you are the sexiest half-teacher
I've ever seen.
Holy shit.
Okay.
Did your dick eat a Super Mario mushroom?
'Cause that shit is twice the size.
I used to be proud of it, but honestly,
it's caused a lot of problems in my intimate life
over the last few years.
Uh-huh.
NANI (voice-over): Look. She's offering two mangoes to the king.
Come on, stoner.
NANI What a big, strong snake.
Hey, um, are you okay?
Maya?
Are you okay?
Yeah, that's my boy, Sohan!
NANI (voice-over): Extra careful.
Maya?
Maya? Maya?
Oh, my God.
Is this the penetration fever?
- Did I lose my virginity? - No.
- You're on drugs, bro. - Wha--
Fuck!
Ugh! I was so close.
Why are you such a weirdo with sex?
God, what happened to me?
I've always been like this, okay?
- Something is wrong with me. - That's not true.
Because just a few seconds ago, I showed Sohan my bomb-ass tits
and I saw his penis.
Minus him coming in my pupil,
- I liked the whole thing. - I was judged.
Okay, I felt ashamed for being some sort of sexual freak,
and now I feel like a freak for not being sexual enough.
I just-- I don't know what people want from me.
So, when I grow up, I let other people decide what's right for me?
That sounds like some bullshit.
It's not that simple.
Isn't it, for you at least?
I mean, I'm getting sent away in a few days,
but you're an adult now, and you can decide
- what's right for you. -Maya?
You have a lot to unlearn, Maya.
Maya? Maya?
-Maya? -Wake up.
Maya!
Hey.
Holy shit! Sohan, that was amazing.
We didn't do anything.
I just had a major life realization.
Whoa. You know, every time you see my wiener,
you go through a major change.
Good luck with your, uh, situation, man.
- Yeah, it's a problem. - Yeah.
And, yo, fuck what those people say.
Show the world your boobs.
They're beautiful.
Thanks.
- ♪ You wanna do it like that ♪ - ♪ Like that ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ Do it like we do it ♪
- ♪ Like that ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ You wanna do it like that ♪ - ♪ Like that ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Oh-ay Like that ♪
- ♪ You wanna do it like that ♪ - ♪ Oh-ay, ay-oh ♪
- ♪ We fly and we know it ♪ - ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Ain't no other way to show it ♪ - ♪ No, no, no ♪
♪ Gotta do it like we do it Do it like we do it ♪
♪ Do it like we do it Do it like we do it ♪
- ♪ We fly and we know it ♪ - ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ain't no other way to show it... ♪
MAYA High school bucket list, bitch.
Make a mix CD for your best friend. I'm sorry.
Also it's really hard to burn a CD these days.
♪ Just one of these days ♪
♪ Just one of these days. ♪
So we will be doing a fundraiser in January
as cafeteria costs just keep ballooning.
Next order of business is to discuss the concerns that we've had
regarding our sex education program.
Specifically its instructor, Ms. Singh.
Ms. Singh has asked to have her position reinstated.
And I think that we owe it to her to hear her out.
So...
Hear what? She's got to go before she Kama Sutras our school!
- Lock her up! - Yeah.
I say let's hear her out.
Maybe there's a reason she's been acting like a dumb bitch.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Maya Singh.
And I'm a virgin.
I know that's hard to believe at my age.
I've come to terms with the fact that I got
white pubes before ever getting laid.
Thing is, as a kid, you're taught to be scared of sex.
Especially if you're a girl.
It was always, "You immediately get pregnant."
"And your hymen will explode."
I never got the talk. I don't know shit about my body.
I'm horrified of going to the gyno,
and I still don't even know how to put a tampon in.
I used to blame my mom and my grandma
for calling my vagina "shame-shame."
Yeah, but the truth is,
they're messed up because of the same system
I'm fighting here today.
And no, before you say, it's not "an Indian thing."
It's a universal thing.
I used to think that we should censor the world from kids.
But after meeting yours,
I feel like maybe we should give them the right tools instead.
That's why I created "The Talk."
A sex education app.
For the kids in my class.
Let me show you.
Wrong one! Wrong one! Sorry!
There we go. "The Talk."
Through the comfort of the app, your kids can ask you,
their teachers, the community, questions about sex.
And there's a database of information for both sides.
Because let's be real.
You don't know what the fuck your kids are talking about.
And if things get really awkward,
you can even gamify the conversation.
Get her out of here!
- Shame! - Shame! Shame!
Okay, everybody.
Quiet, everyone!
Ms. Singh may not be perfect.
In fact, she's-she's far from perfect.
Like, like, really far. I mean,
she hasn't even given us a test or anything.
But she's the best teacher we've ever had.
When I told Ms. Singh I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend,
she didn't treat me like delinquent.
No, she actually listened to me.
Ms. Singh empowered me to make my own decisions
and gave me the tools to do that.
And I'm thankful.
Thank you.
I'm a virgin!
Yeah, me, too.
I've had the chance to smash.
Lots of times, but I-I didn't.
Because...
I don't really know how to do it.
I used to be embarrassed about that,
but not anymore, thanks to Ms. Singh.
Plus, I know my girlfriend loves me anyway.
I'm gay.
Yes! Yes!
What?
I didn’t realize it until Ms. Singh's class.
I'm, like, definitely on the spectrum.
It feels so good.
Get it, girl.
Women sleep with me because
they think I'm Harrison Ford.
I masturbate to Shark Week.
I like Jesus, but I love gay porn.
Yeah!
I'm still a virgin, but I've done anal!
I'm in love with my math teacher.
That's right. I love you, Ms. Smeighton.
What we have is special.
Oh, God.
Fuck me sideways.
You said make a grand gesture, right?
♪ Me and you, we're the perfect equation ♪
♪ Subtract your clothes and I feel a sensation ♪
♪ Take off your alge-bra, and you'll see ♪
♪ My ding-dong go up 45 degrees ♪
- Oh, my God. - ♪ You can find me ♪
♪ Squeezing Ms. Smeighton ♪
♪ This little math cutie she got my ruler leakin' ♪
♪ This teacher is a freak and mmm ♪
♪ She got the right angles, Pythagorean theorem ♪
I don't know what this young man is talking about.
I'm trying to show you that I'm serious.
I'm not just a kid.
I want to be with you, Linda.
- Oh, uh... Huh? - What on earth is going on here?
This is clearly a very sick joke.
- I mean, I barely know this student. - What?
Linda, what about all the times
we made sweet love in the supply closet?
She told me to delete it off my phone, but...
it's still in the cloud!
Oh!
Oh, my God, that's not me! That is not me!
- And I will cherish it forever. - Go, Jason!
Everyone, please remain calm!
Damn, she got a sidepiece!
Not so fast, bitch juice.
The police have been called.
I wouldn't go anywhere if I were you, you perv.
Sex can be good.
Linda.
Uh, suspect is in custody. Beige dress.
Kind of looks like Scott Pilgrim with tits.
I bet her orgasm face sucks ass.
Totally.
I'll wait for you, Linda!
Kid, fuck someone your own age.
Speaking of fucking somebody your own age.
-Oh. - Eh?
- Hey. - Hey.
- Your speech was brave. - Thanks.
- It's, uh, already viral. - I'm a virgin.
I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin.
- 200,000 views. Fun. -I love gay porn.
So, I'm a... virgin that projected onto you.
You probably think I'm such a loser.
Actually, I find it refreshing.
Shut up, Allux.
I'm serious.
Hey, um...
do you want to...
...go to the Spring Fling together?
I'd love to.
If I'm allowed.
Oh.
Spring Fling on that dick!
Nice.
-I'm a virgin. -I've done anal!
I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin.
I'm-I'm...
-Ding-dong. -I love gay porn!
Porn. Porn.
Women sleep with me because they think
I'm Harrison Ford. Ford. Ford.
-I'm a virgin. -Ding-dong, ding-dong.
- I'm in love with my math teacher! -I'm a virgin.
Your aunty sent it to me.
Her eyebrow lady's daughter's best friend was there.
Of course. You had a mole.
You've been lying this whole time?
- What happened to computer science? - It was only temporary, okay?
I had to teach sex ed to research my demo. It was for funding.
You think people are going to fund your app?
They don't even respect you as a half-teacher.
And why are you announcing your personal matters to the world?
These subjects should be private, especially a...
Woman? You know what, Mom?
I don't accept that anymore.
Our culture is full of badass women.
Nani. Like, every aunty I've ever met. You.
You're literally fearless,
except when it comes time to doing what's best for you.
Leave me out of this, Maya.
No, Mom...
How long are you gonna punish yourself for Dad's mistakes?
Dad is the one that messed up.
Yet he's out there living his life.
Even though he should be ashamed.
And here you are, thinking you deserve to be alone.
Why? Because what will people think?
Well, you know what, Mom? It's time to think for yourself.
Are you really a virgin?
Yes.
Oh, my God, Maya.
How is this possible at your age?
Are you serious?
Dude, you look hot.
Last item on the bucket list.
Go to the school dance with your crush.
Maybe lose your virginity.
Jess, thank you for everything, okay?
And I know I was a dick.
You were like a big, sloppy, hairy, veiny dick.
Yes.
Actually, you were more like a used tampon
on, like, a heavy flow day.
But, like, ripped out and then dragged on the street after garbage day.
- Totally. - No, no.
I'm realizing this is what you were.
You were like a porta-potty at a curry festival
- frequented by white people. -Ah, yeah.
-That's what you were. -Right.
Lots of smells.
Actually, it's coming to me now.
You were like a samosa filled with diarrhea.
No, this is what you were.
- You were a dirty anal bead. - Oh, okay.
I don't know what that is, but I agree.
I'm sorry. I promise I will not let my shit impact your shit.
Thank you.
- Have so much fun. - Thank you.
- I love you. - Love you, too.
And hey.
This is serious.
If you see his dick, I want you to take a picture.
- Jess, go. - I want to see his ding-dong.
You look beautiful.
May-ah.
Thank you. As do you, Allux.
Who's your friend, Maya?
Oh, Mom.
- Uh, this is Alex. - Mm.
He's my date.
And he's here at the front door.
Not hiding down the street.
- Hmm. - N-Nice to meet you, Ms. Singh.
I promise I'll have her home on time tonight.
Nice to meet you, too, Alex.
But I won't be waiting up.
Farhad is taking me to the movies.
Good evening, Veena.
He's also not hiding down the street.
Oh, Veena.
You look so beautiful.
Hello, Maya.
- Hi. - Hello. I'm Farhad.
- Alex. - Oh.
Thank you so much for letting me to borrow this.
It really does make things taste much better.
- Is that a... - Blender! Yeah. We should go.
- Bye-bye. - Have a great night.
- Cocktails? - Yes, of course.
♪ Let's dance, let's dance, let's dance, let's dance ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah ♪
♪ Let's dance, let's dance, let's dance, let's dance ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
Hi.
I hope that's not a flask.
Welcome to Proudamore's Spring Fling.
Uh, it's been a scary semester to say the least.
But, uh...
we made it, yippee. Okay.
Uh, now we're gonna have a special musical performance.
So, uh, let's give a nice warm Proudamore welcome
to the Vybe Raiders.
We are the Vybe Raiders, and this first song
goes out to Ms. Singh for being one crazy ho.
♪ Ms. Singh is the baddest bitch ♪
♪ Ms. Singh is the baddest chick ♪
♪ My girl's shameless, and she's had enough ♪
♪ What will people think? She don't give a single fuck ♪
♪ Yeah, my girl's a virgin, but she'll still fuck it up ♪
♪ Ms. Smeighton found out when my girl shut her up ♪
♪ Well, she's never been laid, but my teacher still scores ♪
♪ Went commander-in-chief all on the school board ♪
♪ Her mama licked her vibrator, what? ♪
- ♪ I said her mama licked her vibrator ♪ - Damn.
♪ What? Had a slow start Now she knows how to hit it ♪
♪ Girl get it, girl got it, she doin' it... ♪
-Hey. - Hey.
So, uh...
I tried downloading your app, but I couldn't find it.
Kyle, I'm flattered. But building an app like that
requires a lot of funding.
Which I'm not sure I'll ever get.
That sucks.
I have a lot of questions about... heartbreak.
Hey, Kyle?
Do you want to dance?
♪ Use a condom... ♪
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure. - Okay!
♪ Her mama licked her vibrator, what? ♪
♪ I said her mama licked her vibrator, what, what? ♪
♪ Had a slow start, but now she knows how to hit it ♪
♪ Girl get it, girl got it She doin' it, she did it ♪
♪ Her mama licked her vibrator What? ♪
- Hey. Do you... - No!
- 'Kay. - ♪ Girl get it, girl got it
♪ She doin' it ♪
♪ She did it ♪
Yeah!
♪ She got a donk like, oh, my God ♪
♪ Premium gas... ♪
Hey. Thanks for letting me come tonight.
I didn't. You just kind of showed up.
- Ah. - But thanks to you,
we are having a board meeting
to possibly discuss maybe hiring
an outside NGO to teach sex ed from now on.
Wow. That's...
maybe, possibly awesome, then.
Maya, you were right.
Kids do need better sex ed. But change takes time.
I mean, we're still teaching them about Columbus Day.
I thought teaching kids about dicks wasn't allowed.
Hey, good luck with everything.
Also, I think you should fuck Alex.
Guy looks good in gray sweatpants.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home for a little commander-in-chief.
'Kay. Right.
What was that about?
It's better if I don't give you the visual.
Got it.
I'm really happy we're here together.
Listen, Alex, you have been so understanding and sweet,
and I really like you.
And I want to get to know you.
I just-- I want to be honest.
There's a whole part of me that I haven't explored.
And I owe it to myself to figure it out.
You don't have to explain. Let's just take it slow.
And if you have to take a step back
and do your thing, I'll understand.
- Really? - Really.
You want to dance?
Yeah.
♪ Shorty been the baddest, and that's no cap ♪
- ♪ True ♪ - ♪ True, true ♪
♪ Shorty's changed my life I need to wife that ♪
- ♪ True ♪ - ♪ True, true ♪
♪ Shorty been the baddest, and that's no cap ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
No, Alex and I didn't have sex.
Still a virgin.
And you know what? I'm cool with it.
It'll happen when I'm ready for it to happen.
- Hi, Barb. - Did peen work make the dream work?
No. Also, aren't you supposed to be at work?
Oh, I quit. I only did it to stay busy.
And you know I don't need the money.
- Right? - Yeah, I know.
But you do, honey.
So why don't we put my money
where my mouth is and have "The Talk."
W-Wait, Barb, are you serious?
Are you saying you want to fund my app?
I am.
Hey, guys, you got to check out
this sick new app called "The Talk."
I know the creator, and she's crazy.
Got time for a little ginger spice?
You know I can't resist the gray sweatpants.
It's an app that's taking social media by storm.
Good job, Maya!
My favorite game is Word Foreplay.
It actually teaches you about anatomy.
I had no idea my wife had a... "vulva."
Trying to make sex education an open conversation.
Way to show 'em your boobs, Maya.
I'm gonna have to cancel spin class tomorrow.
Really?
She said yes!
- My dear. - Aw.
Ooh...!
Whoa, whoa. Sit back down.
You didn't think I'd leave you without a little credits song, did you?
♪ Get it, get it, get it, get it ♪
♪ This girl is the baddest bitch ♪
♪ This girl is the baddest chick ♪
♪ She's so shameless, and she's had enough ♪
♪ What will people think? She don't give a single fuck ♪
♪ They say she's loose, they say she's prude ♪
♪ They say she's getting old and really needs a dude ♪
♪ Well, I got news, this chick DIYs ♪
♪ And can't hear that noise Over the buzz between her thighs ♪
♪ She's a badass, and she got it from her mama ♪
♪ On Wednesdays, we heal generational trauma ♪
♪ She's horny and not ashamed of it ♪
♪ The patriarchy can suck her dick ♪
♪ Or lick her clit if it can even find it, ha ♪
♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪
♪ She doin' it, she did it ♪
♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪
♪ She doin' it, she did it ♪
♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪
♪ She doin' it, she did it ♪
♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪
♪ She doin' it, she did it ♪
♪ Get it, get it ♪
♪ Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it ♪
♪ Get it, get it, get it, get it ♪
♪ Get it, get it ♪
♪ Get it, get it, get it, get it ♪
♪ Get it, get it, get it ♪
♪ She ain't a redhead, but she got that ginger spice ♪
♪ Papaya just right, all these dudes want a slice ♪
So nice, they don't stand a chance ♪
♪ Boners popping right out their gray sweatpants ♪
Let me break the fourth wall
like I'm trying to break my hymen real quick.
♪ Look at these names, stay in your seat ♪
♪ The people in these credits are a bunch of freaks ♪
♪ The producers are nasty, someone gotta stop 'em ♪
♪ For weeks, they discussed different dildo options ♪
♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪
♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪
♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪
♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪
♪ Jizz in the eye? We said, "Why not twice?" ♪
♪ 14-inch dong? "That'll be nice" ♪
♪ Masturbation milkshake? "That's great" ♪
♪ If we did it seven times, let's do another take ♪
♪ Two fingers down south to get some good rest ♪
♪ Take this film down to Austin to South by Southwest ♪
♪ Got into that shit like a motorboat between breasts ♪
♪ So spread your lips, it's time to talk about sex ♪
I'm 35, and I asked my mom permission to be in this movie.
♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪
♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪
♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪
♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪
♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪
♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪
♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪
♪ She doin' it, she did it ♪
Special thanks to all these freaks.
Look at all these freaky songs.
"Peacock Dance"? "Cock." Get it?
Not to mention, our composers? Freaks.
Entire post-production crew?
More like post seduction crew.
♪ Get it, girl got it ♪
♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪
♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪
♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪
Not based on a true story,
but based on a true story, you know?
I hope you enjoyed it.
Look at all these freaky unions right here.
You know, protection's important.
Likely Story?
And the story is they're likely freaks.
Unicorn Island? Sounds horny.
Camelback? Camel toe freaks.
Canada? Full of freaks.
CMPA freaks.
P.S. This copyright right here? Freak.
Uh, now if you'll excuse me.