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Did you take your melatonin?
Hey, Mr. Fletcher.
No shit from you--
Just-- Hey!
Would you-- would you go?
Just get out of the fuckin' way! Asshole!
Jesus Christ!
Okay, you just stay over there. -
All right!
Got your ham steak, green beans,
and I don't know what that is, but it's yellow.
And this is for you.
All right. You need anything?
- Mil-- - Oh, okay. Milk. Gotcha.
- Uh-huh. - Uh-- yeah.
You all, uh, stocked up on bendy straws?
- Uh-huh. - All right.
You're the man. Be right back. Shut up!
Jeez...
Who-- who was that?
Were you a person or a computer?
- Do I talk during the beep?
- Oh! Oh, great! - Okay. This one?
No, no? Okay. Right, what about, uh-- - I need more time
if I'm supposed to talk during the beep!
...no? No-- Uh, Ruth, is there any reason
why these can't go, like, right here, like, within--
No? No. Okay. All right--
Okay, Granna, you can do it,
just start talking.
Here you go, Ollie.
Just reach for it. Come on, a little help.
Hey! There you go. There you go! All right, cool.
Uh, Ollie, you're not tied off!
- Ollie, can you help me out? - Rufus, I'm coming!
I-- I'll be right back. Hold on.
That's right. We're out of dog food!
You know what he eats! Get it on your way over!
Well, I'm glad I got to the end of that.
Ah.
Yo, Trent. Dude!
I'm awake.
You wrapped up?
You wrapped up yet?
Sure. Yeah, sure.
I'm clocking out, so start getting up.
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Yeah.
- What, no long hots? - I'm on vacation tomorrow, right?
No waking up any earlier than I have to.
And the peppers wreck your gut in the morning.
Yeah, that, and your grandma's bathroom.
Mm, please don't.
- I got bathroom duty. - Anything substantial?
- No, just a leaky sink. - Ah. Well, then, I will be sure
to leave the sink out of it.
- Right. - You need me to bring anything up tonight?
No, we should be good. Just give me a shout when you're close.
Will do. Ah, I'm excited to see some trees and water.
You know, my granna really likes you.
Changed the sheets in the guest room and everything.
How is, uh, jolly old Grandma?
Well, she's... family.
You find the courage to pitch her Shady Aches yet?
- Acres, and, uh, no, not yet. - It's still called Shady?
Well, Aches is probably more appropriate. - Right?
You know, if she could be, like, 90 miles closer,
so I could see her 90% less, that would be ideal.
What is it, a two-hour drive? So, that's like... - And some change.
...five hours of driving a day, plus van duty.
Eh. I like audiobooks.
The lengths we'll go to avoid talking to loved ones. - Yep.
Hey, why don't you get her here so you don't have to listen to audiobooks and shit.
Mm! I can get hungover again.
Think of all the long hots you could eat.
You know what?
By all means, blow up my granna's toilet.
I will take you up on that, but I can shit in the woods.
- You're a bear. - Oh, that is unbearable.
Well, you just gotta bear with me. - Oh, that's
- my cross to bear. - To bear, yeah, yeah.
And all the while, we will have to get
our bearings straight while witnessing a... - Okay.
...an actual bear, uh-- I'm done. No. - Uh-huh. Oh, come on!
You're doing "beary" good, JT, "beary" good. - Mm,
- mm-mm. Bear, bear, bear. - Bear, bear, bear.
Bear yourself. -
Forty-nine...
...50.
Book seven and finale
ofThe Wizard Wars heptalogy.
Chapter 1. "The moon is full
as the thunderous bellows of the Fire Clan of wizards
prepare for the inevitable.
With lava-forged iron boiling an ocean of swords,
the portent clouds under the sun
- cast a shadow of war."
Chapter 23. "With an invading terra-truck caravan,
Chambers' endurance found an unlikely alliance
with the Obsidian Hound of the Obsidian Desert.
With trauma in the footprints of his life,
- and a revitali--" - Chapter 54.
"Chambers, the Grand Iron Wizard,
stood to claim his birthright,
siphoning his aptitude of struggle
for the sake of his precarious lineage.
With an invading terra-truck caravan, Chambers--"
Ha! Too slow, you mangy-- mother--
of my mother. Hey, Granna.
Take this upstairs.
Right. Jeez. You can start with "Hi."
Wha-- why you need a "Hi"?
Hmm. I see you finished him.
Her. She was a mama.
Five cubs. Most he's ever seen.
- Really? - Mm-hmm. My Francis,
he hiked eight miles in Sierra Nevada
with her head and pelt strapped to his back.
I thought it was illegal to hunt a mother and her cubs,
- not to mention... - Huh?
I'm saying, I thought it was illegal,
- like, you couldn't kill-- Mm. - It-- it is.
- Damn, cubs. Sorry. - The brats ate her headless body.
- Jesus. Nothin'. - What? Huh?
No, no, no, no, no, no. What'd you say?
I didn't really say anything, Granna--
Get that upstairs!
Not cool, Grandpop.
Hey! Are you cooking?
Granna!
Wha-- why, why you cooking? I-- I brought... dinner.
Rufus is outside?
- Yeah. - Bring him in.
He's fine out there for a while.
Nonsense. Just go get him.
Granna, Rufus doesn't like me.
So? Lots of folks don't like you.
- What's cooking? - Chicken corn chowder.
- Is there any chicken? - Mm-mm. All out.
Well, then it's just corn, right? - What?
I'm saying, if there's no chicken, isn't it just corn chowder?
Don't be dim. Don't have no corn.
Go get Rufus.
You either getting faster or I'm getting slow-- Oh, shit!
I don't like you.
But you...
- Hmm? - Can you actually see with those?
You know, Grandpop's glasses. Do they actually help you see?
- I see enough with them. - Are you sure?
- Carl says they'll do. - Who's Carl?
Young man that gets my groceries.
- Oh, well, he would know. - He's in medical school, getting a bona fide livin'.
- Well, I get a bona fide-- - Did you look at the sink?
I just got here, Granna! I just need a minute, okay?
Fine.
- It's upstairs. - I know.
Will that knee let you get up there?
Granna, I just came from the attic. - Fine.
I know that knee gives you trouble.
Well, it hasn't stopped me so far.
Don't know about that.
Hold on.
Give me this. So, where are you?
Here? Well... here looks good. -
All right.
"In the time between heartbeats,
I went from loathing this moment to carnal anticipation.
'I think I'm gonna leave,' I lied to Philip.
'Of course I know you're just around the corner,
but if you'd like a ride,' Philip said.
As I felt his throbbing phallus
pulsag-- pulsate against my moistening thigh,
it was then I knew I was going to take a ride,
but not the ride he was suggesting--"
I'm gonna go look at the sink.
It's upstairs!
Still? Okay, yeah. Good, gotcha. All right.
Mm.
Sink, rum.
Rum, sink.
♪ My dear ♪
♪ Listen here ♪
♪ I know it's not right to see ♪
- ♪ Fellas losing jobs and people... ♪ -
...oh! Hey, rum, how you doing?
- Mm. - ♪ Ooh, and it's getting so hard for me to see ♪
- ♪ The good, the bad, the ugly keep my focus ♪ - Mm.
- ♪ And I know sometimes ♪
- ♪ The world can be so hard ♪ - Oh.
♪ And reach down to find ♪
♪ The good in your heart ♪
♪ And bring light to dark ♪
♪ All you need to do is see ♪
- ♪ That only love will help us overcome... ♪ -
Ugh.
Oh, sweet baby Jesus--
That's how we do! Showed you up!
Oh! Guys, is it bloody?
I think that I got him bad. Did I get him bad?
Is he dead?
I wasn't even aiming.
Oh, man!
Hey, watch out!
Oh, my God! Wha-- what is happening?
Hey, asshole, I'm gonna need you to shut the fuck up.
- What was that? - Uh, nothing, Granna.
I need to doctor!
Did you hear that?
Uh, no, no. I didn't hear anything.
Did you hear the part about shutting fucks up?
- Is that Rufus? - Uh, uh-- n-- no, no,
- it's, it's just, uh-- - Why are we whispering?
I was, I was taking out the trash and, uh,
and I dropped a, a piece of garbage on the floor.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna toss it out.
- Of course you did. - No! Oh, God, no!
Come on, you're almost out--
I really shouldn't be drunk for this.
Oh, God...
Come on, Carl, let's go. -
Ted!
Come on!
Pulled down the shade...
Oh.
Oh, fuck.
I'm sorry, Ted.
Oh, g-- great idea on the masks, you dipshit!
Hey, man, we all agreed on masks,
- and we all agreed on the theme. - How about a theme of three people who can fucking see?
Ah! Hey, just hold still, okay? -
I'm trying to remember splint day. Kim?
Kim, do we have any popsicle sticks, please?
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, God! Don't worry, it's not as bad as being figuratively...
and literally stabbed in the back!
Ugh! I said I was sorry!
You say sorry for spilling sweet tea, not for stabbing somebody!
- Oh, God! - Oh, I'm sorry. Sir, please hold still.
Nobody get more hurt than this,
because if you do, I'm gonna be completely lost.
So, what the hell was that? I thought you said
that it was just a little, old, lonely lady.
It is.
Okay. So, who's her Terminator dude?
I don't know. Maybe a neighbor or something?
- What? - Maybe a neighbor or something.
Take off the fucking mask, so I can hear you!
M-- maybe a neighbor or somethin--
God, we've gotta do this before Stan gets here! - All right.
- No! - That's, that's not gonna happen.
No, we are calling this whole thing off.
- What? Why? - Because the plan incorporated
- a little old lady. - Uh, a little, old, lonely lady.
- Yeah, not a Terminator dude. - It's just some piney dropping off of moonshine, okay?
- We'll be all right! - Really? Because he ragdolled us.
Yeah, 'cause he had the element of surprise, Kim!
Uh, plus a 40-pound surplus of muscle mass.
- Mm-hmm. And probably Satan. - What?
- Kim. - Must be his car, right?
Oh, God. T-- Ted, give me your hand.
You see that wolf head and the jar of eyes,
and I'm pretty sure he was wearing a pentagram.
- Think about it. - You're not pretty sure of anything.
You couldn't see anything 'cause of the fucking masks,
- Carl! - Deep in the woods like this?
This is where Satanists go to have orgies
with goat sluts and bathe in fetus blood.
- Goat sluts? - Goats that are sluts.
Can a-- can a goat be a slut?
N-- Hey, hey, hey, hey. - Yes, Ted!
Can we all just cool it with, with the slutty goats for a second?
All right? We, we gotta get out of here
'cause he's probably gonna call the police.
He can't call the police because I actually did something right
and I cut the phone cord.
Ah! That's, uh, that's great, yeah.
But, uh, it's probably safe to say
that your satanic Terminator dude
did not travel back from 1984.
Oh, it's also probably safe to say
that that's his fucking phone, Carl!
B-- but--
So, how's your pornography, Granna?
Ooh! You smell like hooch.
Well, a little helps me plumb... -
...and, you know, punch homicidal home invaders.
- Hmm? - Nothing.
The lavatory better be ready in time for my bath!
This night won't end well.
Okay.
Ammo.
Puzzle pieces.
As... puzzle pieces...
...ammo.
Here we go.
Probably gonna die.
Hey, Granna. How's it going?
Gonna start ladling.
All right. Smells good!
I said... smells good.
Okay. I'm gonna go to my car.
And... that's him.
Uh-huh.
Oh, shit.
What the fuck?
- Can you believe this? - It's a spit in your fuckin' face,
- is what it is. - Language, please.
And this was supposed to be the down payment gig.
Never send candy-asses to do bad-asses job. - God, there you go again--
Oh, Jiminy Christmas!
Okay.
Wow, you're pretty strong. Emphasis on--
You okay?
- You're pointing a gun at me. - Well, yeah, well,
but, you know--
I gotta go.
Ha! That's three for three, you literal son of a...
- ...bitch. - You're gosh darn right, I'm your bitch.
Now, why don't you come over here
and wrap your lips around this sweet justice?
'Cause I'm gonna-- I'm gonna--
I'm about-- I-- boy, am I gonna put--
No, all right, all right. Come on, cut it out.
All right, no. Okay, that's not-- you're--
Oh, God-- I could shoot you!
Come on, would you stop? Just-- I'm gonna-- I could put a hole in you!
Come on, let go. Oh, mother of pearl!
Did anybody bring any bug spray?
Okay, we just have to focus
and stay calm and--
Son of a bitch!
Oh!
Oh, I've got mouths to feed!
Chowder N-O-W.
Does anyone know what's happening?
Stan, are you okay?
Oh.
Boy, sure am hungry.
Huh?
Hungry.
- Stop mumbling so much. - Hmm.
Looks good.
Granna, you ever think about moving?
- Huh? - You know, living somewhere else.
- Moving? - Yeah, yeah.
You know, somewhere more comfortable.
- I am comfortable. - Or ma-- maybe I should say more convenient.
Wha-- what are you getting at?
Well... it's just, you're just so far away from grocery stores,
doctors, cell service, restaurants...
- ...police. - Huh?
I mean, what if there's, uh, n-- an emergency?
- Like what? - Well, what if you fall down the stairs?
- Well, you'd help me. - But, but Granna, wh-- what if I'm not around?
Well, why wouldn't you be? Are you okay?
Granna, it's just that-- it's just--
It's a lot to get here.
Oh.
So...
...it's inconvenient for you. That's what you're getting at.
- No! - I am inconvenient.
- Granna! - Yeah. Well, I'm not about to leave here.
All of Francis' stuff is here.
And I'm not going south, like your mother.
- My mother? - Mm-hmm.
You mean your daughter?
She just up and left us here to die, for all she knows.
When I do die, it's gonna be here in my bed.
In our bed, Francis.
What? Granna, that's not what I mean. It's not--
- All right. - Now, why are you jabbering?
Nothing, nothing.
You know, but you might get your wish.
I'll be back.
I'm not a bad shot.
Uh, h-- how not bad?
I've got a ribbon.
- So? - It's a marksmanship ribbon.
It's not fancy, but it means I'm officially not a bad shot.
All right. Well, damn! That is, uh...
- ...it's not bad. - Both hands.
I'd love to, but, um, I was...
- ...stabbed earlier! - Oh, yeah, right.
Listen, buddy, we can, we can make this real easy for you.
Uh, we can make this real easy for everyone if you just leave.
Or you can leave with your grandma.
Or you can get shot with your own gun.
It's actually Stan's gun, but, uh, all right, message received.
Buddy, we just wanna ransack something inside the house real quick.
- What's inside the house? - You can even hang on to the gun!
You and your grandma, you can sit on the porch,
and, and we'll go in there, we'll do our business,
it'll take 45 minutes max.
Huh? And then, we'll get out of your hair.
We'll even clean up after ourselves.
Okay. I can hold on to the gun?
Sure, man, yeah! You can hang on to the gun.
Uh, look, w-- we'll congregate out front, huh?
And you and your grandma can set yourself up with some sweet tea.
We'll get inside there, we'll do our business, and we'll get outta your hair
'cause the last thing that we want
is for anyone else to get hurt.
- Oh, shit. Just go help. - Nice shot, Jan!
How's that marksmanship ribbon working out for you now, fucker?
I'm on it. Kinda excited to get the granny! - Get t--
It's like a final boss, you know what I mean? -
Stan!
Stan? Who's a good dog. How you doing? -
You, you good? Oh, good boy!
Who's a good boy? Stan? Who's th-- who, who's a good boy?
Oh, who's a good b-- Ye-- Yes, yo--
Oh! Oh, God! Oh, my God!
Stan! Stan!
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh!
Fuck! Stan! Stan!
Rufus? Simmer down!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God!
Fuck! Stan!
- Out of the fucking way! - Get your ass--
Rufus!
Come on, hush up now!
That was bad.
What?
- Oh, please, no. - What did I tell you?
Rufus, what's with all the racket?
We're just roughhousing a little bit.
Oh! All right, then.
- He's being nice! - Of course he is. I wasn't talking about him.
Now, let's get you a treat. Hmm?
- I'm not that hungry, Granna. - How about a turkey neck?
Come on.
- All right, baby. - Huh.
Wonder if I killed that guy.
Holy mother of cunt! What the hell happened in there?
Well, uh, it seems the dog in there has become quite territorial--
He knows, shit-stick, he was there! - It was one guy!
And an old lady... and a dog!
Hey, Stan, you wouldn't happen to have my laces, would you?
Honey, be careful! It's my back!
Oh, God, this is embarrassing.
Okay, okay. What was he saying about ribbons?
It's, uh, m-- marksmanship or something? Something markshanship--
The military issues marksmanship ribbons if you're exemplary.
- You think he served? - He checked the chamber when he got ahold
of the rifle and keeps his finger on the guard.
Well, why didn't we know about this?
Oh, that explains his resilience.
Oh, it's not resilience, it's luck!
He h-- I had him on the ropes before the dog assist!
Okay, fine. Yeah, but his, um, uh, good luck streak
is continuously getting us all injured.
And I am running dangerously low on gauze,
and I have but one baby aspirin pill left,
and I used my last popsicle stick on--
Might be time to call in the McDougals.
- Y-- oh, fuck that. - What's a McDougal?
The type of family that would say yes to this job. - No. No!
It's-- and you will never meet them,
'cause I am not splitting any more of this job with anyone.
Monday, I've gotta put 20% down on-- -
Fuck this five ways from Sunday.
Six ways!
Six ways from Sunday.
We're not calling nobody, 'cause there ain't nobody
in my family better suited for this.
I'm the guy you call!
And if he was gonna shoot a guy, he'd have shot a guy.
Billy, you didn't have a concussion eight minutes ago.
Yeah, and you had all your teeth nine minutes ago, so--
Fuck you both!
Do you have any idea what he has in there?
No, because your hillbilly run-on sentences
are really hard to understand, and now you don't have any teeth--
Pam and I'll sneak in
through the roof and grab the grandma.
When he drops the gun, I'll shove it up his ass!
- With his ribbon. - Bill, please, come on! Just slow your roll!
We've got an ace up our sleeve. Kim's hiding out in there.
Yeah, she, uh, slunk in with us through the, uh...
Someone help catch me!
...window.
What was that about your ace?
- Oh! I can't-- I-- Yeah. - I know it! It hurts more when I walk.
- Yeah, yeah. - I tell ya that.
If they're resorting to a bow and arrow...
...I'm pretty sure that we've got their only gun.
Plus, you know, we did some serious damage to their "toughs,"
especially that one guy.
But what the hell do we do now?
I mean, do we start killing 'em? I don't really want to.
I mean, they're kind of pitiful and.. I've been drinking.
Plus, I had eye contact with that one goon,
and that was kind of nice, right? -
But you know...
...it's not like they're not not trying to kill us and Granna.
And I'm pretty sure that one guy was about to make a homophobic slur
before I kicked the living shi-- Rufus?
Rufus! Rufus!
Rufus, what are you doing in the bathroom-- Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, outside! Outside, man. -
Go, go outside! Outside's the place to die.
Go die outside! All right, you can die outside.
Go ahead. Go ahead... come on, come on.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Not in here! Not in here!
God damn it! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit, this is gross!
Fuck! Oh! Oh, God, this is so fucked up.
This is so fucked up.
Everything's okay. It's okay...
...yeah, uh--
- ♪ Ride the tiger, oh ♪
♪ You can see his stripes but you know he's clean ♪
♪ Oh, don't you see what I mean? ♪
- ♪ Gotta get away ♪
♪ Holy diver... ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Guess he's gone.
But you seem pleased with yourself.
He was trying to kill us, so,
it's not really murder, but it's-- -
Oh, shit. He's starting again.
Uh, uh--
♪ Like shiny diamonds ♪
♪ Like eyes of a cat in the black and blue ♪
- ♪ Something is coming for you ♪
- ♪ Look out! Ride the-- to the morning ♪ -
♪ And sing to the-- something in the-- ♪
Mm-hmm!
Hey!
You up there?
Hey, what are you doing? You taking a bath?
No, no, Granna--
You running one for me?
Yes, yes, I am.
I knew you wanted to take a bath,
so I figured I'd get you started.
- Oh! Well, all right then. - Mm-hmm.
All right.
Why are you wearing his robe?
It's almost bedtime, so I figured I would relax in a robe and pants.
Uh-huh.
It's just comfy.
Wh-- why is the water red?
It's just the way of the soap, Granna, it's--
you know, it's like the, the-- oh, yeah, um,
the raspberry mountain berry, red, red like a berry.
Were you talking about that, that, that raspberry-raspberry?
- No, never mind. - Yeah.
Did you finish the sink?
N-- no, Granna, but I will finish it first thing in the morning.
Uh, it's just become a little more tricky than I thought.
Fine, I suppose.
Y-- yeah, you kn-- yo-- you know, Granna, I-- I, I was, I was thinking that, uh,
maybe that we, we can play, uh, some, um--
some rummy later, after your bloodbath-- ba-- bath.
- Bath. Mm-hmm. - Rummy?
Now, we haven't played rummy for years.
Yeah, so, uh... why not just start it back up, you know?
Kind of like the old days. Yeah! - Well, I'll see how I'm feeling.
Okay. Uh, Granna, you mind if I, uh, leave Rufus in here with you...
...for, for a little while?
- That's fine. - Okay.
Hey, if anyone other than me comes in here,
you fucking decimate them with extreme prejudice.
You copy?
Right the fuck on.
Granna, enjoy your "blath."
Granna is literally bathing in the blood of mine enemies.
Stop! Stop!
Oh, it's you.
Jesus.
What? What was that?
- You've had worse. - Yeah, it's not localized to my ass.
How's your back?
It's fine, surprisingly.
All right, the McDougals are on standby,
but their price point is fucking ridiculous.
Oh! How much does freeze-dried survival cheese
- cost? - Pam and Bill are trying something first.
We'll just-- we'll wait and see how that goes.
I've never actually seen Bill accomplish anything, have you?
No, he's pretty damn incompetent.
Pam, though--
Stop it. Stop! Stop!
Undefeated amateur kickboxer.
Straight up killer.
But it's on the ground where they're dangerous.
Second degree jiujitsu black belt?
Something like that.
Oh, shit!
Walking embodiment of overkill.
And all those tours overseas.
Fuck, man. Who knows what you'd pick up over there.
A lot of people don't realize how much blood
is in the ass.
Oh, sweet mother, drugs and speed. - Mm.
Fuck it.
See? You're barkin' for nothin'.
Hey. This is where we met.
Go fuck yourself.
Semper fi?
Sua sponte. Ranger Batt. You? - Mm.
One tour Iraq. Two Afghanistan.
Huh. Right on.
You?
- One tour, Kosovo. Yeah. - No shit.
- Ooh! - You look good.
Thanks.
You should see me sans home invasion.
Ow.
Ugh! Yeah. Same here.
Well, I'll s-- see you around.
I don't know. I think I heard something--
Oh, God, what is happening?
Drop him.
All right. Despite your poor aim,
I prefer my chances with this guy.
Hey.
Um, doe-- does he have a, a knife?
I-- I feel something kinda knifey.
- He's got a knife. - Uh, it's a piece of wood from when I was defenestrated.
You have to go through a window to be defenestrated.
You can't be defenestrated from a balcony?
- It has to be a window. - Defenestrated?
- Pam, you okay? - Kind of.
- Oh, so your name's Pam, huh? - Not now.
Just let him go, so we can run off into the woods.
What? No, it's tick season!
Um, Jan, can-- can you please just, like, lower the bow? It's,
it's not that I don't trust you, it's just-- - You do look like
- you're struggling. - Well, he's got a knife against your throat.
What? I thought it was a piece of wood
from when he was defenestrated.
Well, you know, Pam,
he said "defenestrated," and I would think
- that would sound that-- - Yo, what the fuck
is happening?
God! My arm. Does it matter?
He's trying to slice your fucking throat open.
You know, contrary to you guys,
I'm not actually trying to hurt any... -
...body.
Guys, why... is everyone quiet all of a sudden?
All right, everyone, back off, or I'll fucking end this guy.
G-- oh, God! Please help me, God!
Please help me, God!
Meh.
Yeah.
How much was backup again?
Fucking guy.
All right, you.
Please, don't hurt me.
I will saw your head off and toss it outside to your friends
if you don't start filling me in on what's going-- - Jasper?
Uh, Granna, uh, don't come in--
Who's that?
Uh, Granna, this is, um--
- Carl! - Hey, Mrs. Terwilliger.
Well, w-- what are you doin' here?
Did I forget an order or something?
No. No, no, no.
Um, I was just... in the neighborhood,
and I just wanted to check up on you.
Oh, that's very sweet of you!
Uh, but I'm fine.
Jasper, this is Carl that I was tellin' you about.
And Carl, that's my grandson, Jasper.
Jasper.
Grocery-getting, med school, "bona fide living" Carl.
Well... I better be on my way.
Nonsense. Now, we just made some chowder, if you'd like,
and Jasper and I were gonna play rummy. Join us.
Oh, I wouldn't wanna impose,
and plus, I have plans--
Nonsense. There's chowder.
Okay, yeah. That sounds lovely.
I'll warm up a bowl.
Thank you.
Oh! Oh, shit balls!
You... are so very,
very strong, sir.
Well, that's a wrap.
I saw what you did there. I saw what y--
Are we gonna have enough for the high priest
and his old lady?
- Stan? - Mm.
- Ah, well-- - Are we gonna have enough?
I mean, I... sorry, I'm a little lightheaded.
And is there something else that we should be doing? -
- This is my first body disposal. - I don't-- I mean, if I c--
I don't know. I, I can, uh, I can--
like, how-- honey, do we have any bubble wrap?
Yeah, look, if his family don't want him to fertilize corn,
he can be the gooey center of a scrap metal cube.
I mean, really, it's what Bill would've wanted. -
My man!
- All right. - All right, they're on their way.
Oh, God! The cut's not even gonna be enough.
What choice do we have? I mean, we're at a point here
where we need to start prioritizing covering our...
...dog-gnawed asses,
so if we gotta do another job, we do another job. -
It's almost spring!
- Uh, sorry, Bug. - Oh!
Maybe you have to wait another year, or--
No, I don't-- don't! No, don't even go-- don't say that!
I can't wait. We don't even have a month!
Oh, yeah, I-- that was my inside voice. -
Glad the employees didn't hear that.
Yeah, I mean, in, in the case of payout distribution,
at least, um, at least Bill's dead. -
- Good point, good point. - Oh, fuck. Carl!
I don't even wanna think about
what they're doing to him in there.
Yeah, well, we gotta get him back
in one piece or Mom's gonna kill us.
Thank you for the soup, Mrs. Terwilliger.
- Mm? - Um...
..th-- thank you for the soup, Mrs.-- - Oh, of course, sweetness.
What, what kind of soup would you say this was?
Huh?
What kind of soup would you say this was?
Chicken corn chowder.
Don't be so dim, Jasper.
There's no chicken or corn.
Right, how dim of me.
So...
...Carl, how's school?
Uh, you know, challenging.
A-- and, and, and you're still workin' with your brother and sister
- to help with money? - Um...
...helps pay those student loans.
Oh, isn't that sweet?
Oh, how sweet.
Hmm! So, med school.
That does sound... challenging.
I bet the pressure must have you dead to rights, huh?
- Yes, sir. - Mm.
But a killer opportunity...
- Uh-huh. - ...with what must be a murderous schedule.
Weird choices of words, but sure, yeah, uh-huh.
Well...
...I'm just so excited about our rummy.
Come on, eat up!
So, it's like gin.
I could... swear that's rum.
No. The card game rummy,
it's like the card game gin.
Oh. Yeah.
- Card game. - You look confused.
W-- well...
...I-- I think I was a little distracted
by the thought of having my head
sawed off and tossed to my friends.
- Oh, sorry about that. - Oh, it's okay.
I was just tryin' to be scary.
- Mission accomplished. - Mm.
She's oblivious to the burglary?
Yes, and "burglary"?
Yeah. And, how?
Dumb luck I guess, and I figured you guys
were going for full-fledged homicide?
Well, now they are, I guess,
but we really just wanted to burgle.
What about the mask and knives?
That was Ted's idea,
scare tactics.
But you,
you, sir, are so much better at it.
Well, thank you, but that was just a front.
Oh. Well, yo-- you sure fooled us.
D-- do you want me to take a look at that for you?
Th-- the med school story wasn't a front.
So what?
- Student loans? - Oh, no, I'm a dropout.
But I-- I, I-- I do know my way around a laceration.
What? Sibling home invaders?
Um... Ted, Kim, and I have been doing
the grocery delivery service scam for...
- ...about a year now. - So, you case out old folks and then rob them?
Well, not all of them.
Just the ones with valuables and copper pipes.
- I really should fix that sink. - Sink?
So, what about the other assholes?
Look, I really am threatened and all,
but I-- I just don't feel comfortable divulging--
- Good aim. - I missed.
Oh.
The married couple out there own a scrapyard.
- Are they somehow your parents? - Oh! God, no.
- Good. Fuck! - Jan's my aunt.
So we would take photographs of the place we were staking out,
and they would break down what's valuable,
and strip the place clean when the elderly were out of the house.
- But Granna's never gone. - Well, that is probably
because of her selfless grandson, Jasper.
Tread lightly there, Carl.
Fair enough.
So, what about... Pam?
Local muscle, I guess.
Stan and Jan organize operations like this
all over the place.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean... life and death are on the line.
- I know. - For copper?
Well... it's mostly for the bear.
What?
There he is.
What about him? And I think it's a her.
Either way, that is a California grizzly.
So, and--
They're extinct, and if our information is correct,
she's the last one.
Not cool, Grandpop.
Plus the pelt, and the head,
and the photographic evidence?
Oh! Easy sell.
So, you're saying this bear stuff is-- - Priceless.
Even with those big, beautiful, googly eyes.
At least, that's what Bill said.
- Bill? - Yeah, angry guy, kinda looks like
if a trailer had a human boy with a pickup truck.
Red bandana.
Oh, yeah, uh--
Oh, he went absolutely ass-buck-wild
when he got a gander at this thing.
He was the expert.
Emphasis on "was."
Oh.
Hmm.
Looks like we've got an audience.
Oh, man. They're really pilin' up out there.
- Think that it'll work? - Work?
There has not been a single plan today
that has come even remotely close to the solar system of worked.
Gotcha. So we're overdue?
I'm more in the neighborhood of "Why start now?"
Hmm.
I don't know about this, Rufus.
Hmm.
They'll kick your slobbery mug out
with just one look at ya.
This... stays here.
- You ready? - No, not really.
Y-- should you really be drinking that right now?
No, of course not! Granna. Hey, Granna.
I-- I'm gonna, uh, show Carl around outside.
We'll be back in a bit for some cards.
- Okay. - All right.
Love you, Granna.
Yeah.
All right. I'll be back.
Love you too, Jasper.
Let's go.
...hit the guy in the head with that? That's pretty--
that's pretty strong, that's pretty big.
- Okay, okay. - Let me hit that, dude!
And... that's him.
Okay, why are there so many of you?
Well, meet the McDougals.
They, uh, were a little hesitant to join our rodeo,
'til killing their cousin put a fire under 'em.
Well, first of all, I didn't kill their cousin.
Rufus the dog killed their cousin.
Bill's dead?
And secondly, hello, self-defense.
- You're trying to kill us. - Yeah, not initially, cockhead!
- We are now! - Well, not if I kill you first!
You and what army?
Oh, like you and your gaggle of ass-buckets
have been doin' such an awesome job up until now.
- Fuck you, Solomon Grundy! - Fuck you, Alfred E. Neuman!
- Guys, come on! Guys, guys! - Alfred E. Neuman? Who is Alfred E. Neuman?
- Apparently your father. - Stop! Everyone--
- ...ropes until you went Cujo. - Unt-- until I pummeled you
- into sublission. - Everyone, shut the fuck--
- That's not even a word. - Bring it!
Don't you even try to blame me
for your bad life decisions,
- Ned Flanders. - Oh, come on--
Oh, you think you're so tall!
Everyone, shut the fuck up!
Sorry.
All right. I see you came out here
with the intention of bargaining. - I have.
- So, have at it. - Okay.
After some light interrogation,
I've come to the realization that the treasure you seek
is this bear shit.
- More or less, yeah. - Well, you can have it.
And Carl here.
And Carl?
Hold that thought.
- I think we should ask for more. - Let me just--
let me just do this, okay? Let me do this, just-- hey. - ...it's just me,
it's just me. Just me.
How we doin'?
Oh, we are definitely going to die.
- S-- over my dead body. - What?
All right!
- Are we? - Okay, so here's the deal.
Uh, we're still gonna need to ransack the house, but, uh,
hey, you and Grandma and the pooch there
can wait in the car 'til we're done.
Wha-- why? What, for copper?
Jewelry, cast iron, cash in mattresses,
any beadwork, that kind of thing. - What? No. Why?
Listen, meathead. You see everyone here?
They're all gettin' a cut!
So, while your offer may have made sense
when it was just the seven of us,
you have diluted the revenue to fuck all.
Oh, bullshit! Just take the bear stuff and go.
Look, I don't even know anything,
o-- other than you're-- you, you own a scrapyard,
and your names are Jan and Stan.
- Well, fuck me. How did he-- - Fuckin' hat.
I mean, unless it's called "Jan and Stan's Scrap" or something?
No, you got it right. It's, it's, it's Stan and Jan's-- - It's "Stan and Jan's,"
but it's a bit of a work in progress.
It's neither here nor there. Now!
Who is there?
It's all right, Rufus!
Stay there, I'll be down in a minute.
Mm.
Come on, big boy.
Oh.
Sure, go ahead, it-- it's yours.
What was I-- what was I thinking? -
That I could-- could stop this?
That I could fight you all off, huh?
I should've known I wo-- I would fail.
That I can't accomplish anything.
That I can't... do... anything.
Go ahead. Ransack my granna's house,
'cause I'll just-- I'll just lay here.
'Cause I can't... finish... anything.
My God. He's not human.
I'll just lay here, okay?
'Cause I can't keep my granna safe.
Go ahead.
'Cause I can't...
...stand on this... godforsaken bum knee.
- No way. - Go.
'Cause I sure as hell can't grit my teeth...
...and crack my neck...
...and break every one of your fuckin' faces!
♪ The night tells a thousand lies ♪
♪ And when you wake up in the morning ♪
♪ Were you dreaming ♪
- ♪ Screaming ♪
♪ Tryin' to hide your broken heart ♪
♪ Before somebody cuts it all away ♪
- ♪ Oh! ♪ - ♪ Sunset Superman ♪
♪ Sunset Superman ♪
- McDougals. - ♪ Sunset Superman ♪
- Meet my brother, Rufus. - ♪ Superman, oh, oh, oh ♪
I'll meet you inside!
Why in the hell is this happening?
- ♪ Sunset Superman ♪ - I don't know anymore.
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ - Satan.
He did say something about bathing in blood.
Really?
- ♪ Sunset Superman ♪ - Yeah.
- ♪ Oh, oh ♪ - ♪ Sunset Superman ♪
Why the hell aren't you in there?
Go fuck you.
Fuck you all.
♪ Sunset Superman ♪
♪ Sunset Superman sunset Superman ♪
- ♪ Sunset Superman ♪
♪ Sunset Superman, Superman ♪
I will shatter every one of my bones
just as long as they shatter yours!
♪ Sunset Superman ♪
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Anybody can ♪
- ♪ Anybody can ♪ - You don't have to go home,
but you've gotta get-- get the fuck out of my granna's house.
- ♪ Oh, oh ♪ - Now!
♪ Sunset Superman ♪
Rufus?
- ♪ ...Superman ♪ - ♪ Sunset Superman ♪
- ♪ Sunset Superman ♪
- Holy shit. - ♪ Sunset Superman ♪
- Granna! - ♪ Sunset Superman ♪
- Granna!
♪ Sunset Superman ♪
Granna!
Sweet Jesus! What?
Granna, where are you?
- What? - Gr-- uh, you okay?
- What? - Oh, the goddamn hearing aid.
Granna, are you okay?
Simmer down. I'm in the attic.
I'll be down in a minute.
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
Oh, that child's gonna be the death of me.
Rufus, she was in the attic.
Ah! Oh, God, I'm so tired.
I have never been this tired.
We beat up, like, what? Like, 12, 20 guys?
I am going to be sore!
I know! Dogs can get sore.
Yeah. And don't think I didn't notice you
being a tough little ragamuffin.
I almost cried when you came to my rescue,
when you were like...
Yeah.
I don't think I killed anybody, but I can't speak for some dogs in the room.
But yeah, that was-- there were those events, mm.
So, you can give it up. Give it up. Right here.
Well, yeah, I know dogs can't make a fist...
...but you were scary.
You were so scary. Oh, me?
Oh, you saw me body slam that guy?
Yeah, you know, it's what I do.
You know? I threw him down, I heard somethin' go click.
I think I broke his clavicle, but, you know--
My knee? Yeah, yeah, it'll be fine, yeah.
You're right. Fuckin' nuts today, right? -
Fuckin' nuts. Yeah!
What? Agreed.
Love you too, buddy. Love you too.
I know, I know.
Yeah. I'm pretty drunk.
Ow, oh, God!
Oh, this is gonna hurt.
Ow!
Oh, fuck, man!
I just wanted to be on the water, you know?
I...
...it's funny. I thought I lost that knife.
Oh! Well, one thing is for certain,
there's not a spec of give up in you.
Ah! No, no, no.
No! No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no... - Whoa!
Bug! Bug!
- Bug, you okay? - Oh, this is bad! This is bad!
- Oh-- Yeah, I get th-- - It's-- my back! But this is bad.
It's okay. We're gonna get you to a hospital. - This is r-- Oh, that's
a good idea. Oh! And we were just so close!
We were so close to puttin' that 20% down!
Well, sweetheart, maybe we'll just settle
- for the 17-foo-- - I don't know, I don't know!
I don't know if that's gonna be enough boat.
I don't-- Jesus!
Hey, don't-- don't get up.
Yeah?
Why?
Uh-- uh--
Carl.
You're comin' with me.
Back off!
- Oh, yeah? - I'll do it!
Come on, kid. We've come this far.
Hey, don't think that I won't!
- You won't. - Don't!
Look at me.
Give me the gun. Now!
All right, Carl. Come on.
You fucking idiot. Now we're just g-- -
Oh!
Oh, go home! For fuck's sake! Go home!
I'm done!
We're done here. Aren't you exhausted?
Go the fuck-- Hey, Trent.
Home!
W-- what is happening? Who are these people?
Just go inside, I'll explain later.
- Are you okay? Okay, okay. - Little help, man, little help.
It's all right. Go. It's okay. Go.
Carl, no, don't go! - Just--
Carl, I need your help! What the fuck?
God!
Oh, you missed one hell of an evening.
- Uh-huh. - Do something!
It was almost too much to bear.
All right, I guess I'll just, uh--
Okay.
Mom's gonna be pissed.
Oh, shit. Carl, could you help Rufus?
What happened?
Stan whacked him.
On it.
My God. What the hell happened?
Carl will fill you in.
But do you need me to call the police?
No, no, no. I'll see you in a minute.
Oh, boy, Rufus.
Ah, man.
Hey.
Trent.
Carl.
I remember that.
Yeah, found it in the attic.
How we doin'?
Well, Granna, I'm...
...I'm doin' a little rough.
- Yeah? - Hmm.
What's got you down?
A lotta things, I guess, Granna.
Is it your knee?
A little.
Well, we'll fix it again if we have to.
Okay.
I, uh...
...I think... I'm unfair to you, Jasper.
Oh, no, Granna, yo-- you're not.
Yeah, I am.
It's just, uh...
...how do I explain it?
You see... when your grandpop died,
everything got so quiet.
And I began to think that people forget about me.
And... I guess I hound you with it.
Oh, Granna, it's--
I ju--
Um, is this...
...is this what, uh, you were getting at earlier?
Shady Acres?
Oh-- oh, no. Granna, just-- it's okay.
I j-- you could stay.
Yeah, but... now I don't know if it's good for me to stay.
Really?
It's just--
It gets hard here.
But, but Granna, this is--
- it's your home. - No, baby.
Not for quite a while.
The only... time it feels like it...
...is when you're here.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
But, oh-- oh, goodness.
You can't even fix a sink without hurtin' yourself,
and, and, and callin' for help.
What's a Granna supposed to do?
Yep.
- Rufus! - Wh-- What about him?
Oh!
There's my good boy!
- Hey, Mrs. Terwilliger. - Oh. Mm-hmm?
Mrs. T.
W-- Trent!
When did you get in?
Oh, uh, just a couple minutes ago.
Oh.
Well, you gotta stop bein' a stranger.
We miss you around here.
- What happened? - Mm? Oh!
Uh, well, you had some military-grade superglue
for some reason, so I glued his gash shut.
He just got knocked out, he'll be fine, I think.
Superglue?
I mean, I'm not a vet, but yeah.
Dogs get knocked out, and just like humans,
you glue that shit back together.
Uh, are we all ready for, uh, rummy?
Why the hell not?
Excuse me? Who are you?
- I, um... - Granna.
This is... Pam.
Came with, uh, with Trent.
So, why does Pam have the bear?
Oh, just wanted to show off your great work.
- It's nice. Good job. - Hmm.
Are you stayin' for cards?
- Oh, um, I-- - Yeah?
Cards?
Okay.
Well, all right. Come on, now.
Yes.
Uh, can you, uh, fill me in?
I will while you drive me to the hospital in the morning.
You know, we could go, like, now?
Nah, nah, nah. Nah. Wait 'til the front yard clears up
and Granna goes to bed.
Okay.
- Schmear? - Schmear.
How are you still alive?
I think the fourth concussion offset the first three.
Pam.
- Jasper. - Really?
Company.
Yeah-- Oh, hey, buddy!
Wow.
Okay, this is--
- Okay. - Wow.
- I'll deal. - ♪ Sunset Superman ♪
♪ Sunset Superman sunset Superman ♪
♪ Sunset Superman ♪
♪ Sunset Superman, Superman ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Sunset Superman ♪