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My life is in a cloud.
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00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,310
Well, not all of it.
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My body isn't.
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But everything else.
What I see, think and feel.
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That's in a cloud.
And it feels so strange,
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that body and soul are separated.
And it also feels fragile.
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As if my life is drifting apart.
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Do you think that's strange?
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It's just that I take
everything literally.
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I picture it.
A real cloud. A cumulus cloud.
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It's fairly solid, so it's easy
to imagine that it contains stuff.
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But sometimes I picture cirrus clouds.
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Or worse,
just a translucent veil of clouds.
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And then I worry that there's
nothing there to keep things in place.
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And that everything I
am, will fall down into
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the street and get
washed away by the rain.
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SEX / DREAMS / LOVE
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DREAMS / LOVE
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DREAMS
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- You're applying to the Academy, right?
- For dance?
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- Nah.
- Why not? You're so talented.
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You've danced
classical ballet too, right?
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Yes, but that
just felt humiliating.
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00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:01,940
I read somewhere that classical ballet
is based on outdated gender attitudes.
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That it should be abolished.
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- Not all dance is like classical ballet.
- Yes, to some degree.
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I want to study sociology.
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- You read a lot, huh?
- A lot.
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Don't you read?
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A little.
But mostly when people give me books.
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I love that.
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I'm flattered that people think of me
as someone who reads books.
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But not everything
in books is true.
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Sure, but that's not why I read.
To find out what's true.
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I read to have a place to go.
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And to arrive at myself.
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All of this started with a book.
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It all started with a book
which eventually led to me writing a book.
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It wasn't even a famous book,
just one I found in my grandmother's cabin
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and read when we were there,
last Easter.
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I was there with Jenny, a friend.
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Her family doesn't have a cabin.
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And she went on about
how lucky we were to have a cabin.
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It would be fun to have a cabin
where we could play cards and...
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And my mum, who refuses to see
how privileged we are,
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made matters worse by saying
you don't have to be rich to own a cabin.
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She means to say that if your family is
rich, you don't need money...
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00:04:22,050 --> 00:04:26,350
- Mum! Stop it.
- You can live off the inheritance.
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Found your bra?
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I'd sprained my ankle and had to rest.
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And when Mum, Nan and Jenny went for
a walk, I picked a book from the shelf.
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By pure coincidence, really.
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It's called "L'esprit de famille",
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and it's similar to Little Women,
which you might know.
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This one is also about four sisters.
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They're doctor's daughters
living on the outskirts of Paris.
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00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:54,530
The main character, Pauline, is sixteen.
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00:04:54,610 --> 00:04:58,600
The book starts with her
starting at a new school in Paris.
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There, she meets a girl named Bea,
whose uncle is an artist.
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One day they visit his studio.
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He's unlike anyone she's ever met.
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He looks her in the eye
and talks to her like she's an adult.
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Even though he's much older
and has a ten-year-old daughter,
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she falls in love with him.
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She doesn't tell anyone,
just keeps visiting him with Bea.
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Until one day when Bea is ill.
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Then she plucks up courage
and visits him alone.
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00:05:32,890 --> 00:05:35,540
And when he opens the door
and sees that she's alone,
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she realises he feels the same way,
that he's been waiting for her to come.
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And then they have sex.
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And, well...
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When I read it, it was like
I recognized something within myself.
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A kind of yearning.
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One I'd felt before, ever since childhood,
but never understood.
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And tried to keep at a distance.
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But now I could feel it
in my entire body, on my skin.
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A powerful, tingling sensation of wanting
to be completely naked next to someone.
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And there was one thing
in the book that I truly loved.
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Pauline had a long, knitted scarf.
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And whenever she left his house, he would
wrap the scarf three times around her neck.
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Always three times.
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And he did it with such... tenderness
that I welled up reading it.
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Mostly because it was so beautiful.
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But also because I so yearned
for one day having that happen to me.
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00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:09,090
A few months passed, and although I did
think about it that spring and summer,
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it was no longer quite so intense.
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00:07:11,810 --> 00:07:16,610
And when I first felt the yearning return,
it was halfway through autumn term.
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00:07:16,690 --> 00:07:19,950
The intensity of it
caught me completely off guard.
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Maybe that's the way it goes -
things happen when you least expect it.
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Hi, my name is Johanna. I'll be your
French and Norwegian teacher this year.
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A little bit about me:
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My name is Johanna... like I just said.
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I studied textile art at the Academy of
the Arts, and I also work as a teacher.
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I spent a year in the USA, in the Midwest,
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where I worked
at an organic peanut farm for six months.
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That was quite boring, so I moved
to New York and got a job at a café.
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I also studied fashion in Paris for a year.
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Alright? Just ask
if you have any questions.
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Please tell me your name
and one fun fact about yourself.
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00:08:08,220 --> 00:08:13,370
- What's your name?
- Anine. I like to dye my hair.
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- Nice colour. And you?
- My name is...
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00:08:17,740 --> 00:08:20,590
My name is Josef, and I love working out.
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00:08:21,930 --> 00:08:25,420
My name is Helene,
and I don't like chocolate.
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- And you? What's your name?
- My name is Johanne, and I like... salmon.
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I'll remember that.
It's just like mine, with an E at the end.
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What's your name?
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My name is Johannes,
and I'm illegal in 69 countries.
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At first, I couldn't put my finger on it.
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It was so overwhelming.
Completely weird.
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As if I could feel her presence
throughout my body.
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I started looking for her.
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The day felt like a complete waste
if I hadn't seen her.
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00:09:06,900 --> 00:09:12,620
And it didn't take much. A slight glimpse
was enough to put me in a great mood.
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- Hi!
- Hi.
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She was very kind and sweet
to everyone.
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00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:59,080
But it still felt like she
paid me extra attention.
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And since French
is one of my best subjects,
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00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:05,730
we were kind of on the same wavelength.
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00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,530
And even if her classes
went over everyone's heads,
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she was really into
French presidents, for instance,
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I was able to keep up,
and she liked that.
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She called me Jeanne,
French for Johanne.
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Réduire les trop grandes
inégalités de revenu
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et déveloper léducation et la culture?
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She didn't speak like that to anyone else.
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Maybe that's why I started fantasising
that she liked me more than the others,
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00:10:36,980 --> 00:10:39,400
and that we had a special connection.
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00:10:41,210 --> 00:10:43,820
It really felt like that.
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I thought about her more and more.
Not just at school, but at home as well.
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It was like she was always
at the back of my mind.
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No matter which context,
she appeared.
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00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:03,560
She was the first thing on my mind
when I woke up.
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00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:07,320
While having breakfast, all
I could think of was what she was having.
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00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,890
I imagined
that she'd be eating croissants.
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00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:14,610
I thought about her when getting dressed
as well. Wondered what she might wear.
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00:11:14,690 --> 00:11:19,950
I tried to pick outfits
I thought she'd like, or at least notice.
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00:11:20,070 --> 00:11:23,720
Because I had noticed
her outfits, you know?
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00:11:23,790 --> 00:11:27,130
She had a lovely, unique style.
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00:11:27,210 --> 00:11:29,590
She mostly wore wool jumpers.
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00:11:29,710 --> 00:11:33,700
It fascinated me that she could wear
wool against her skin.
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00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:36,390
I've always found that
so uncomfortable.
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00:11:37,540 --> 00:11:41,490
But seeing her wear it,
did something to me.
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00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:44,140
And when she rolled up her sleeves...
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00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:47,870
That point where
the sleeve met her skin...
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00:11:47,980 --> 00:11:51,520
The sight of that
sent quivers through my whole body.
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00:11:51,590 --> 00:11:55,510
I was dying to touch it.
See what it felt like.
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00:11:55,630 --> 00:11:58,770
But even though I could feel
the effect it had on me,
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00:11:58,850 --> 00:12:01,810
I still did not understand what it was.
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00:12:01,890 --> 00:12:04,300
Isn't that strange?
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00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:12,830
I don't think I realized it
until I woke up from a dream about her.
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00:12:15,250 --> 00:12:17,400
We were at a cabin.
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00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:23,350
There were others, but they were outside.
Only Johanna and I were in the cabin.
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I was taking a nap on
the sofa, but I wasn't
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asleep, because I
could feel her presence.
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She lay down close to me.
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I could feel her knee between mine.
She put her arm around me.
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00:12:36,410 --> 00:12:41,050
And I opened my eyes
and turned to face her.
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And suddenly,
it was as if we were naked.
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00:12:46,010 --> 00:12:49,190
Then I woke up.
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00:12:49,270 --> 00:12:53,530
My body felt warm and strange,
almost as if I had a fever.
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And I felt awful.
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Like I'd done something terrible.
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00:12:59,290 --> 00:13:02,170
Something forbidden, almost.
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00:13:08,090 --> 00:13:10,430
It lingered in my body the next day.
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00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,930
And I was worried that people could tell.
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00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,420
That everyone could see
what I had dreamed.
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00:13:17,570 --> 00:13:21,370
Luckily, the first class wasn't hers.
We had choreography.
170
00:13:21,450 --> 00:13:27,590
We'd made small everyday routines
tied to various parts of our school.
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00:13:31,430 --> 00:13:35,620
And despite feeling so out of it, it was
so fun that I forgot it for a while.
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00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:38,380
Eight, one and two,
three and four.
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00:13:38,460 --> 00:13:42,260
Five, six, seven, eight,
one, two, three, four.
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00:13:42,340 --> 00:13:46,180
Five, six, seven, eight,
one, two, three, four,
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00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:49,060
five, six, seven, eight.
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00:13:49,140 --> 00:13:54,860
But later that day, in her class,
I could feel the shame flooding back.
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00:13:54,930 --> 00:13:58,890
When she came in,
it felt like she was looking right at me.
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00:13:58,970 --> 00:14:00,850
As if she knew everything.
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00:14:00,930 --> 00:14:06,420
I could hardly look at her, just tried
to work out how to avoid her.
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00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:10,260
Even though ...
That's not what I wanted, right?
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00:14:10,330 --> 00:14:12,600
I wanted the very opposite.
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00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:16,130
Then it felt like everything
came crashing down.
183
00:14:16,210 --> 00:14:20,660
No matter how I looked at it,
it all seemed impossible.
184
00:14:20,740 --> 00:14:23,660
And I wasn't even able to hide it.
185
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:27,960
I have to ask.
Anine and I spoke about it earlier.
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00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:31,220
You've seemed a bit off lately.
187
00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:33,410
Why would you be talking about that?
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00:14:33,490 --> 00:14:37,100
We were worried
you were struggling with something.
189
00:14:37,170 --> 00:14:39,060
Well, there's nothing.
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00:14:39,130 --> 00:14:42,930
- I found this website.
- Anine, stop it.
191
00:14:43,010 --> 00:14:47,970
Listen: There are many anonymous helplines
for young people in Norway
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00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,120
where you can talk to someone.
193
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:56,720
You can also try self-help apps, which can
help you get out of difficult situations.
194
00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:00,100
- I don't need that.
- Maia tried it.
195
00:15:00,180 --> 00:15:02,370
She did? Why?
196
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,280
Her mother was on a home makeover show,
and she couldn't handle it.
197
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,970
- You could try it.
- It worked for her.
198
00:15:09,050 --> 00:15:13,890
I don't need or want to try that.
I'm fine.
199
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,070
Would you rather we didn't ask?
200
00:15:16,150 --> 00:15:20,110
No, it's just ...
I'm having trouble sleeping, that's all.
201
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:24,210
- They can help with sleeping too.
- Like sleep apps.
202
00:15:24,290 --> 00:15:27,210
I couldn't tell them. What would I say?
203
00:15:27,290 --> 00:15:29,360
That I was in love?
204
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:36,430
And it was then, when that word crossed my
mind, that it dawned on me what this was.
205
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:40,650
I was simply head over heels
in love with Johanna.
206
00:15:40,730 --> 00:15:45,950
It felt terrible and wonderful
at the same time.
207
00:15:46,060 --> 00:15:49,790
It felt inconceivable.
Because she's an adult.
208
00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:52,630
But so was the artist in the book.
209
00:15:52,750 --> 00:15:55,630
And that didn't bother me when I read it.
210
00:15:55,700 --> 00:16:00,660
The more I thought about it, the more
I allowed myself to fantasise about it.
211
00:16:00,730 --> 00:16:02,850
Do you understand
what I'm trying to say?
212
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,610
When you think about something
long enough,
213
00:16:05,690 --> 00:16:08,610
it gradually
seems less unrealistic.
214
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:13,670
With these thoughts going through my mind,
I was yearning to tell someone.
215
00:16:13,750 --> 00:16:18,860
That's what it's like to be in love.
You want everyone to know.
216
00:16:18,930 --> 00:16:20,970
Because it feels so wonderful.
217
00:16:21,050 --> 00:16:23,970
And most of all,
I wanted to tell Johanna.
218
00:16:25,890 --> 00:16:30,920
I lay awake thinking about
how she might react if I told her.
219
00:16:32,530 --> 00:16:37,670
The worst thing would be
if she couldn't grasp what I was saying.
220
00:16:37,750 --> 00:16:42,970
Or even worse;
that she'd laugh, condescendingly.
221
00:16:43,050 --> 00:16:47,390
The way adults laugh
when a child says something adorable.
222
00:16:53,690 --> 00:17:00,330
We heard today was your birthday,
so we knitted this for you.
223
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:02,600
For me?
224
00:17:02,670 --> 00:17:05,780
- Can I open it now?
- Of course!
225
00:17:06,820 --> 00:17:10,700
- We knitted it ourselves.
- This is so exciting!
226
00:17:10,770 --> 00:17:13,810
I hadn't realized it was her birthday.
227
00:17:13,890 --> 00:17:19,180
And the knitting - I'd seen her
talking to some of the students about it.
228
00:17:19,260 --> 00:17:23,020
Since she's a textile artist
and knitting had become a thing.
229
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:30,010
But it never occurred to me to ...
because I had no interest in knitting.
230
00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:34,660
But I should've seen that it could
have been a way to get closer to her.
231
00:17:34,740 --> 00:17:39,340
Suddenly, it felt like everyone else
was closer to her than I was.
232
00:17:40,150 --> 00:17:42,110
I felt completely lost.
233
00:17:42,260 --> 00:17:45,530
I blamed myself
for not having thought of it.
234
00:17:45,570 --> 00:17:47,680
But I didn't even know how to knit.
235
00:17:47,750 --> 00:17:51,020
I had to learn it,
but how long would that take?
236
00:17:51,090 --> 00:17:53,170
Mum?
237
00:17:53,250 --> 00:17:55,630
- I see where they're going ...
- Mum.
238
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:59,540
You're on Zoom, just so you know.
This is not a good time.
239
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:03,730
I just have a quick question.
Can you teach me to knit?
240
00:18:03,810 --> 00:18:08,450
Excuse me. Ask your nan.
Don't know if we even have needles.
241
00:18:08,530 --> 00:18:10,760
We must have knitting needles!
242
00:18:10,830 --> 00:18:14,480
We definitely don't have any yarn.
We can buy some next week.
243
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,210
Next week? I have to learn now!
244
00:18:17,250 --> 00:18:21,090
I haven't knitted anything for years.
I'm not the right person to ask.
245
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,850
- You don't know anything!
- We'll talk about it later.
246
00:18:27,420 --> 00:18:30,110
That weekend I was in a dark place.
247
00:18:30,220 --> 00:18:32,680
I pictured all kinds
of horrible scenarios.
248
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:37,560
Like the other students visiting her,
and they were all knitting together.
249
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:41,250
And that I was the only one not invited.
250
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,860
Very sick thoughts.
251
00:18:43,930 --> 00:18:48,690
As you know, the pandemic
has affected us all over the past year.
252
00:18:48,770 --> 00:18:52,040
The following Monday,
I was completely exhausted.
253
00:18:52,110 --> 00:18:56,680
My mum wanted me to stay home,
but I couldn't. I had to see her.
254
00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:00,100
I couldn't bear the thought
of others seeing her and not I.
255
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:05,090
I didn't have any of her classes,
which was awful as well.
256
00:19:05,170 --> 00:19:07,170
I didn't even know if she was at school.
257
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:12,810
Do you have any thoughts
on how the pandemic has affected us?
258
00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:15,000
No.
259
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:20,680
Then I saw her coming in, late in the day.
It was almost anticlimactic, painful,
260
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:24,450
seeing her all happy and content.
261
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,100
What are you looking at?
262
00:19:26,170 --> 00:19:29,940
I was at a loss.
It felt like I was losing my mind.
263
00:19:30,010 --> 00:19:32,090
During last recess,
I couldn't take it anymore.
264
00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:35,660
I went to the teacher's lounge.
I had to talk to her.
265
00:19:35,730 --> 00:19:38,730
I had to tell her everything
I had planned to tell her.
266
00:19:38,810 --> 00:19:43,570
- Have you seen Johanna today?
- Yes, but she's in a meeting right now.
267
00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:45,530
Okay.
268
00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:55,660
Then it sounds like
you'll be the alternate.
269
00:19:55,740 --> 00:19:59,470
But when I stood there, I...
270
00:19:59,540 --> 00:20:02,270
When you're lying in bed
imagining things,
271
00:20:02,350 --> 00:20:05,420
you forget
that reality is often quite different.
272
00:20:05,490 --> 00:20:07,490
Are you looking for someone?
273
00:20:07,570 --> 00:20:11,410
That the lights are different.
That other people are present.
274
00:20:11,490 --> 00:20:15,290
That the words you've planned
are impossible to express
275
00:20:15,330 --> 00:20:19,630
in the middle of the afternoon
at an ordinary school in Oslo.
276
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:22,200
Reality has no room for that.
277
00:20:44,850 --> 00:20:49,390
I didn't go to school that week.
My mum thought I was sick.
278
00:20:49,460 --> 00:20:54,690
And in a way, I was.
I could hardly eat, nor sleep.
279
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,760
I just lay in bed thinking about her.
280
00:20:57,830 --> 00:21:02,330
I would stare at a photo
I'd secretly taken of her in class.
281
00:21:02,370 --> 00:21:08,200
One minute I'd picture her visiting me,
crying and telling me she'd missed me.
282
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:10,890
And I would pull her close
and comfort her.
283
00:21:10,970 --> 00:21:12,810
And I imagined us as a couple.
284
00:21:12,890 --> 00:21:16,650
Shopping, holding hands,
holidaying in Spain.
285
00:21:17,490 --> 00:21:20,370
But the next minute,
everything felt hopeless.
286
00:21:20,450 --> 00:21:23,100
And I just lay there, crying.
287
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:45,100
At that point,
I decided to go talk to her.
288
00:21:56,890 --> 00:22:01,080
I found her address online,
but I'd never been to that part of town.
289
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:06,260
And wandered the streets for a long time
before finding her building.
290
00:22:24,850 --> 00:22:27,960
It felt like throwing myself from a cliff.
291
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,570
I would either be saved,
and everything would be fine.
292
00:22:31,650 --> 00:22:34,830
Or my entire life would end.
293
00:23:54,170 --> 00:23:59,200
A year has passed since then,
and in one way it's okay that it's over.
294
00:23:59,270 --> 00:24:05,380
These days, I rarely think about her.
And when I do, it's happy thoughts.
295
00:24:05,460 --> 00:24:11,490
Because it was so nice.
Very painful, but mostly wonderful.
296
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:15,630
That's why I wrote it down.
To keep it with me.
297
00:24:15,750 --> 00:24:19,590
I know I will never forget it,
but memories change, you know.
298
00:24:19,660 --> 00:24:23,930
I thought that if I found the right words
to describe it exactly as it was,
299
00:24:23,970 --> 00:24:27,960
I could capture it, make it solid.
300
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:31,650
Something I can hold
in the palm of my hand forever.
301
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:33,950
That's why I didn't want
to store it in the cloud.
302
00:24:34,030 --> 00:24:37,020
I wanted to keep it with me,
close to my body.
303
00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:39,330
At first, I kept it on my Mac.
304
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:43,740
Then I had the idea of storing it on
a flash drive Jenny gave me for Christmas.
305
00:24:43,820 --> 00:24:46,970
Which is now my most precious
possession in the world.
306
00:24:47,010 --> 00:24:48,890
Still.
307
00:24:48,930 --> 00:24:51,340
Because it is still like that.
308
00:24:51,420 --> 00:24:56,220
Despite my worries it would feel different
once I'd let someone else read it.
309
00:24:56,300 --> 00:24:59,370
I hadn't told a living soul, right.
310
00:24:59,450 --> 00:25:01,290
Which I was happy about.
311
00:25:01,370 --> 00:25:08,010
But afterwards, when it hurt the most, it
felt so very lonely keeping it to myself.
312
00:25:08,090 --> 00:25:11,010
So I decided to show
Nan what I'd written.
313
00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:13,160
She's more open-minded than Mum.
314
00:25:13,230 --> 00:25:16,110
Yet I regretted it
as soon as I'd asked her.
315
00:25:16,230 --> 00:25:19,570
And when I went to talk to her,
I was angry with myself,
316
00:25:19,650 --> 00:25:21,570
convinced I'd ruined it all.
317
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:26,130
I love the colours.
Have you knitted a similar scarf yourself?
318
00:25:26,210 --> 00:25:29,510
No, I haven't.
I only have the one you bought me.
319
00:25:29,590 --> 00:25:31,660
There's no harm in having two.
320
00:25:31,740 --> 00:25:36,350
I never wear it.
It's much too warm for me.
321
00:25:37,890 --> 00:25:41,030
- They're not really my colours.
- I see.
322
00:25:41,110 --> 00:25:44,490
But it's beautiful.
Truly.
323
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:47,560
Is that what I've written?
324
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,980
- You printed it out?
- Yes ...?
325
00:25:51,060 --> 00:25:54,360
- Can I have the printout after?
- Yes, of course.
326
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,890
- You didn't print any more copies?
- No.
327
00:25:56,970 --> 00:26:00,540
I don't want anyone else to read it.
328
00:26:01,730 --> 00:26:04,420
And the flash drive, do you have that?
329
00:26:08,070 --> 00:26:10,450
Here it is.
330
00:26:15,940 --> 00:26:19,590
Aren't you going to say something?
Did you read it?
331
00:26:20,820 --> 00:26:22,580
I read it.
332
00:26:22,660 --> 00:26:26,190
I'm just wondering, how are you doing now?
It was so sad.
333
00:26:26,310 --> 00:26:27,960
I'm fine.
334
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:31,300
You're over it? No longer in love?
335
00:26:31,380 --> 00:26:34,100
You're not in touch with her still?
336
00:26:34,180 --> 00:26:36,680
I haven't seen her in ages.
337
00:26:37,410 --> 00:26:41,050
- She doesn't teach at my school anymore.
- I see.
338
00:26:41,130 --> 00:26:43,090
I'm just asking.
339
00:26:43,170 --> 00:26:45,160
So what do you think?
340
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:49,580
- About what you wrote?
- Yeah, about the whole thing.
341
00:26:49,650 --> 00:26:53,800
- You're not saying anything.
- I don't know what to say.
342
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:58,720
You've written it for your own sake, right?
As a way of processing it?
343
00:26:58,790 --> 00:27:03,250
Yeah... I wrote it because
I didn't want it to disappear.
344
00:27:03,330 --> 00:27:05,480
I wanted to hold on to it.
345
00:27:05,550 --> 00:27:09,660
So I can keep it with me forever.
346
00:27:09,740 --> 00:27:11,770
I mean, it was...
347
00:27:11,850 --> 00:27:14,850
It's the most beautiful thing
I'll ever experience.
348
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:19,380
Still, a part of me wanted
someone else to know about it.
349
00:27:19,450 --> 00:27:23,980
Because I've had no one
to share any of this with.
350
00:27:25,290 --> 00:27:27,480
And that has been pretty lonely.
351
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:31,780
When something really awful
or wonderful happens,
352
00:27:31,860 --> 00:27:34,240
you want to share it with someone.
353
00:27:34,310 --> 00:27:36,270
I understand completely.
354
00:27:36,390 --> 00:27:38,920
I'm so glad you trusted me to read this.
355
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:43,450
But then, I think ...
You know me, I'm a poet.
356
00:27:43,530 --> 00:27:47,600
Are you considering the possibility
of turning this into a book?
357
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:51,170
Is that why you wanted me
to read it? To help you?
358
00:27:51,250 --> 00:27:57,090
No. I asked you because
I didn't have anyone else I could ask.
359
00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:04,110
And I thought you may be the only one
who wouldn't react badly to this.
360
00:28:04,230 --> 00:28:06,220
Get really shocked or angry.
361
00:28:06,300 --> 00:28:09,070
No, not at all, sweetie.
362
00:28:11,830 --> 00:28:13,790
It didn't shock you?
363
00:28:13,900 --> 00:28:15,590
No... Shocked?
364
00:28:15,670 --> 00:28:18,090
Well, maybe a bit.
365
00:28:18,170 --> 00:28:20,510
It was fairly shocking reading.
366
00:28:21,810 --> 00:28:26,540
- But you're not disappointed in me?
- No, not the tiniest bit.
367
00:28:27,810 --> 00:28:29,610
But...
368
00:28:29,690 --> 00:28:32,220
Johanne, you must
show this to your mother.
369
00:28:32,300 --> 00:28:35,830
No, I can't.
What makes you say that?
370
00:28:35,950 --> 00:28:38,020
You must.
371
00:28:38,100 --> 00:28:42,900
- If you don't, I will have to.
- No. You can't do that!
372
00:28:42,970 --> 00:28:46,240
- She's going to freak out!
- Listen, sweetie.
373
00:28:46,310 --> 00:28:52,270
I talk to Kristin maybe
one, two, five, ten times a week.
374
00:28:52,340 --> 00:28:56,030
Keeping this from her
would feel very uncomfortable for me.
375
00:28:56,110 --> 00:29:01,560
She is your mother, after all. I would
feel like I was going behind her back.
376
00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:04,900
That's not how we do things
in our little family.
377
00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:09,280
Do you want me to talk to her?
I can ask her to read it.
378
00:29:09,350 --> 00:29:12,430
Then you must promise
not to give her the copy.
379
00:29:12,500 --> 00:29:16,040
- She can read it here.
- And give it back to me afterwards.
380
00:29:16,110 --> 00:29:20,410
- And delete any copies on your computer.
- I promise.
381
00:29:20,490 --> 00:29:23,220
This whole thing was a mistake.
382
00:29:23,290 --> 00:29:28,590
Well, not entirely. It was a massive
relief to finally get it off my chest.
383
00:29:28,710 --> 00:29:32,360
And I realize
that I had to let Mum read it.
384
00:29:32,430 --> 00:29:36,040
But I still think of that
as the beginning of the end.
385
00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:39,810
If you can say that.
Well, the end of what, exactly?
386
00:29:40,770 --> 00:29:43,610
Thoughts and dreams can be wonderful.
387
00:29:43,650 --> 00:29:47,600
They can contain,
look like and be however you like.
388
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:49,710
As long as you keep them to yourself.
389
00:29:49,830 --> 00:29:54,440
The second you let others in,
everything crumbles and changes.
390
00:29:54,510 --> 00:29:56,240
And that's what happened.
391
00:29:56,320 --> 00:30:00,930
After Mum read it,
everything took a different turn.
392
00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:35,250
- What do you think?
- I feel sad.
393
00:30:35,330 --> 00:30:40,590
She never said a word.
I don't know if I should be angry or what.
394
00:30:42,860 --> 00:30:44,740
- I need water.
- Yoghurt?
395
00:30:44,820 --> 00:30:46,890
No, thanks. Coffee, maybe.
396
00:30:47,890 --> 00:30:50,150
Have you read the whole thing?
397
00:30:54,260 --> 00:30:56,490
I'm just...
398
00:30:56,570 --> 00:30:58,830
I can't believe I didn't...
399
00:31:00,410 --> 00:31:03,170
see it or noticed anything.
400
00:31:03,250 --> 00:31:06,900
- You had no idea, right?
- Not before reading this.
401
00:31:07,930 --> 00:31:12,200
- I knew something was up, I just ...
- You didn't expect this.
402
00:31:12,930 --> 00:31:15,340
I really didn't.
403
00:31:15,420 --> 00:31:18,420
- Can you turn down the music, please?
- Do it yourself!
404
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:39,730
So often, I've...
405
00:31:42,300 --> 00:31:45,490
When I think about Johanne, I so often...
406
00:31:46,290 --> 00:31:49,170
picture her back when she was little.
407
00:31:50,130 --> 00:31:53,550
But she's not a child anymore,
that's for sure.
408
00:31:53,670 --> 00:31:59,810
But when I read this,
with all those intimate descriptions...
409
00:31:59,890 --> 00:32:02,580
While also picturing a child...
410
00:32:02,650 --> 00:32:05,030
It's very confusing.
411
00:32:05,110 --> 00:32:07,530
- Quite racy.
- You could say that.
412
00:32:07,610 --> 00:32:10,600
What are you thinking?
413
00:32:12,180 --> 00:32:15,170
I don't know.
414
00:32:15,250 --> 00:32:17,670
I have to call the school.
415
00:32:17,740 --> 00:32:19,890
Or report the school to the police.
416
00:32:19,970 --> 00:32:24,120
Maybe report the teacher?
What do you think?
417
00:32:24,930 --> 00:32:29,800
First, I have to talk to Johanne
and find out what really happened.
418
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:33,490
- It's all in there.
- Is it, though?
419
00:32:33,570 --> 00:32:37,600
How much is true,
and how much is just made-up?
420
00:32:37,670 --> 00:32:41,550
You could interpret this
as something imagined.
421
00:32:41,670 --> 00:32:46,120
But I find that hard to believe,
when the writing is so...
422
00:32:46,970 --> 00:32:51,810
How can you write something like this
unless you've experienced it?
423
00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:53,650
It's so detailed.
424
00:32:53,730 --> 00:32:56,830
Her descriptions of the teacher's body...
425
00:32:56,910 --> 00:33:00,100
She must have... seen her naked.
426
00:33:00,180 --> 00:33:06,010
I thought so too.
But it could also be a literary device.
427
00:33:06,130 --> 00:33:08,590
You know, the ambiguity.
428
00:33:08,660 --> 00:33:12,190
Leaving the reader
to wonder whether this happened,
429
00:33:12,270 --> 00:33:16,270
or if it's all just
in the protagonist's head.
430
00:33:16,340 --> 00:33:20,830
That's what makes it so intriguing to me.
431
00:33:20,910 --> 00:33:24,250
As a reader, I mean.
It's so very gripping.
432
00:33:24,370 --> 00:33:28,550
Some of those passages
are out of this world, right?
433
00:33:28,630 --> 00:33:30,090
It's so well written.
434
00:33:30,170 --> 00:33:35,350
At times, I almost forgot
that this is about Johanne.
435
00:33:35,470 --> 00:33:38,040
- Really?
- Yes.
436
00:33:38,110 --> 00:33:41,110
I didn't read it like that at all.
437
00:33:41,230 --> 00:33:46,450
If this is true,
if any of this actually happened,
438
00:33:46,530 --> 00:33:50,170
then it was illegal,
and Johanne is a victim of assault.
439
00:33:50,900 --> 00:33:54,510
Assault? No, I can't believe that.
440
00:33:54,630 --> 00:33:57,970
But there's no way for you to know that.
441
00:33:58,050 --> 00:34:01,730
If you're able to write about
something in this manner,
442
00:34:01,850 --> 00:34:06,840
with such maturity,
and employing such literary devices,
443
00:34:06,910 --> 00:34:11,830
doesn't that indicate that you're
of sound mind and on top of the situation?
444
00:34:11,950 --> 00:34:17,940
There's no indication that she's
experienced something painful.
445
00:34:18,010 --> 00:34:21,740
Apart from heartbreak,
which can hurt like hell.
446
00:34:21,810 --> 00:34:27,040
She's written a beautiful,
remarkable love story.
447
00:34:27,110 --> 00:34:29,380
And...
448
00:34:29,460 --> 00:34:32,180
This wasn't written by an assault victim.
449
00:34:32,260 --> 00:34:37,100
She's seventeen,
she's not capable of assessing...
450
00:34:37,170 --> 00:34:41,170
I mean ...
She could have been manipulated!
451
00:34:41,250 --> 00:34:46,930
It can take years to realize.
It has to be processed.
452
00:34:47,010 --> 00:34:51,230
She's written a 95-page story,
453
00:34:51,340 --> 00:34:56,610
a detailed analysis
of her own emotional life.
454
00:34:56,720 --> 00:35:01,980
If that's not processing it,
I don't know what is.
455
00:35:02,060 --> 00:35:06,740
You say it's ambiguous.
That I agree with.
456
00:35:06,820 --> 00:35:11,700
But that ambiguity could be construed as
an attempt to protect the people involved.
457
00:35:11,770 --> 00:35:14,270
Johanne could be protecting her assailant.
458
00:35:14,380 --> 00:35:18,570
Stop it. You've gone
completely off the rails, Kristin.
459
00:35:18,650 --> 00:35:22,370
Maybe you've listened to
too many podcasts.
460
00:35:22,490 --> 00:35:25,940
She wrote this for herself.
Why protect anyone?
461
00:35:26,020 --> 00:35:29,630
She asked us to read it.
That could be a cry for help.
462
00:35:29,710 --> 00:35:34,430
Give it a rest.
She wanted us to read it a while later.
463
00:35:34,540 --> 00:35:40,880
She told me she wrote it
to preserve it the way it was.
464
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:45,220
"Like the Virgin Mary," she said,
"who kept her secret in her heart".
465
00:35:45,300 --> 00:35:49,210
But unlike the Virgin Mary,
she wanted to write it down.
466
00:35:49,330 --> 00:35:51,860
To have a material account of it.
467
00:35:51,940 --> 00:35:55,630
Like... Like a thing.
468
00:35:55,700 --> 00:35:58,050
- Like a thing?
- Yes.
469
00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:00,270
I want to read it again.
470
00:36:00,390 --> 00:36:07,300
Be careful. She told me this was
the most beautiful thing she's experienced.
471
00:36:07,380 --> 00:36:11,560
Fools rush in
where angels fear to tread.
472
00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:14,060
Didn't you want coffee after all?
473
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,170
It's too late.
I want to go home and read it again.
474
00:36:17,250 --> 00:36:21,390
- I promised I wouldn't give it to you.
- I'll make sure she won't find out.
475
00:36:21,510 --> 00:36:25,310
I should've known.
Thinking about it makes me furious.
476
00:36:25,390 --> 00:36:30,110
Yet, if it were me,
if I was in Mum's shoes,
477
00:36:30,220 --> 00:36:34,990
I'd also insist on taking it with me.
To her, this wasn't someone's life.
478
00:36:35,060 --> 00:36:38,670
It was just a stack of paper
with information about her daughter.
479
00:36:38,790 --> 00:36:42,170
Maybe I shouldn't have written it
in the first place?
480
00:36:42,210 --> 00:36:46,810
Why must we talk about, photograph
or write about our experience?
481
00:36:46,890 --> 00:36:50,190
Isn't it enough
to just keep it with you, as a memory?
482
00:36:50,310 --> 00:36:53,880
A memory you can remember
any way you like.
483
00:36:53,950 --> 00:36:56,830
Because that's another thing.
484
00:36:56,910 --> 00:37:01,560
Knowing they had read it,
I suddenly cared what they thought.
485
00:37:01,630 --> 00:37:06,860
Whether they thought it was well written,
and what they thought about the contents.
486
00:37:06,930 --> 00:37:09,850
I'd written things about myself
they didn't know about.
487
00:37:09,930 --> 00:37:13,650
Not to mention
a fair amount of sexual stuff.
488
00:37:13,730 --> 00:37:18,340
They're pretty open-minded, but not
used to hearing such things from me.
489
00:37:18,420 --> 00:37:25,290
There were other embarrassing things too.
Because I had been lying quite a bit.
490
00:37:25,370 --> 00:37:29,440
To Mum, saying I was going to dance class
when I was actually visiting Johanna.
491
00:37:29,510 --> 00:37:34,270
But to Johanna as well.
The first time I went there,
492
00:37:34,350 --> 00:37:36,930
I lied.
493
00:37:39,340 --> 00:37:42,190
I'd been planning to tell her
I was in love.
494
00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:45,410
But when I got there,
it didn't feel necessary.
495
00:37:45,490 --> 00:37:49,060
Because she never asked ...
That's what I was afraid of.
496
00:37:49,140 --> 00:37:52,210
That she'd wonder
what I was doing there.
497
00:37:52,290 --> 00:37:58,270
But she just embraced me and took me in.
As if she had been expecting me.
498
00:37:58,350 --> 00:38:01,650
Like,
"of course you should be here with me".
499
00:38:01,730 --> 00:38:03,500
"This is where you belong."
500
00:38:03,570 --> 00:38:06,420
And that's exactly how it felt.
501
00:38:06,490 --> 00:38:09,100
Her flat was so nice.
502
00:38:12,790 --> 00:38:15,630
Would you like a cup of tea?
503
00:38:15,750 --> 00:38:20,090
It felt like I became someone else
when I walked in there.
504
00:38:20,130 --> 00:38:24,190
Or... it felt like I became
the person I'd always wanted to be.
505
00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:31,570
Another thing stopping me
from telling her what I'd planned to,
506
00:38:31,650 --> 00:38:34,490
was the way she spoke to me.
507
00:38:34,530 --> 00:38:38,560
She saw how upset I was,
and assumed it was about school.
508
00:38:38,630 --> 00:38:40,480
So I kind of played along.
509
00:38:40,550 --> 00:38:44,700
I told her things
that weren't completely true,
510
00:38:44,780 --> 00:38:47,470
but they weren't outright lies.
511
00:38:47,540 --> 00:38:52,610
They were things I'd been struggling with
in our group of friends and so on.
512
00:38:52,770 --> 00:38:56,800
I just feel like there's
so much competition.
513
00:38:56,870 --> 00:39:02,560
That we end up playing these roles
that we're unable to break free from.
514
00:39:02,630 --> 00:39:07,090
You feel like you've ended up
in a role that is...
515
00:39:07,170 --> 00:39:12,620
And even though I now see
that I used it as something of an excuse,
516
00:39:12,690 --> 00:39:16,150
talking to Johanna about it
still felt really good.
517
00:39:16,270 --> 00:39:22,600
Not to brag, but I feel that I reflect
a lot more than others in my class.
518
00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:26,330
- That I see the whole picture.
- Right.
519
00:39:26,370 --> 00:39:31,010
And when I speak my mind, I feel that...
520
00:39:31,090 --> 00:39:36,930
That they don't take me seriously,
or look at me like I'm stupid.
521
00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:41,840
- And then I feel so stupid.
- Hey, now...
522
00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:44,450
You're anything but stupid.
523
00:39:45,140 --> 00:39:47,330
Hey...
524
00:39:47,410 --> 00:39:52,440
Listen, I think it's so good
that you take this seriously.
525
00:39:52,510 --> 00:39:55,130
You really must.
526
00:39:55,170 --> 00:39:59,930
If you don't take yourself seriously,
others won't either.
527
00:39:59,970 --> 00:40:01,770
No...
528
00:40:01,850 --> 00:40:06,490
And just because
you sometimes bring up serious matters,
529
00:40:06,570 --> 00:40:13,330
you can still fool around, right?
You don't have to pick one or the other.
530
00:40:13,410 --> 00:40:16,130
You can be all of that.
531
00:40:19,630 --> 00:40:22,660
I must've stayed for three hours.
532
00:40:22,740 --> 00:40:26,500
I didn't want to leave,
but it was getting late.
533
00:40:27,040 --> 00:40:31,450
And while we were saying goodbye,
I complimented her jumper.
534
00:40:31,530 --> 00:40:35,870
I told her how much I liked it
and that I wished I knew how to knit.
535
00:40:35,980 --> 00:40:41,820
And then she said she could teach me.
And just like that, we had agreed.
536
00:40:41,900 --> 00:40:46,620
That I was coming back,
and that she would teach me how to knit.
537
00:40:46,700 --> 00:40:49,040
It felt amazing.
538
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:52,110
But not as amazing
as what happened next.
539
00:40:52,230 --> 00:40:55,070
Because then... Well...
540
00:40:55,150 --> 00:40:58,750
She grabbed my scarf
and wound it around my neck.
541
00:40:58,830 --> 00:41:06,210
It happened so quickly. I was so surprised
that I could hardly make sense of it.
542
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:11,160
And then we hugged.
But it didn't feel like an ordinary hug.
543
00:41:12,430 --> 00:41:16,270
That is... She was so close to me.
544
00:41:16,340 --> 00:41:19,650
And I could feel
our thighs touching, and...
545
00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:22,640
It didn't last long, but I think...
546
00:41:22,720 --> 00:41:27,710
I'm almost certain it was
more than a normal hug to her as well.
547
00:41:36,620 --> 00:41:38,500
Then I started going there.
548
00:41:38,580 --> 00:41:41,920
I went every Monday,
I'd skip dance class to visit her.
549
00:41:41,990 --> 00:41:44,340
It felt a bit like I was sneaking.
550
00:41:44,410 --> 00:41:47,330
Since my mum thought
I was at dance class,
551
00:41:47,410 --> 00:41:51,750
I took a detour past the dance studio,
just in case.
552
00:42:09,830 --> 00:42:15,330
It's strange how this part of town
changes from one block to the next.
553
00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:20,010
From the Botanical Gardens, where Nan
meets her friends for walks and coffee,
554
00:42:20,090 --> 00:42:24,930
to Motzfeldt Street,
which is like entering a different society
555
00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:31,220
where people like different things,
and have community in their shared faith.
556
00:42:31,300 --> 00:42:33,950
Unlike us.
557
00:42:57,570 --> 00:43:01,250
I asked Mum and Nan once
why we don't believe in anything.
558
00:43:01,330 --> 00:43:06,430
And Mum said she believes in love,
democracy and free speech.
559
00:43:06,510 --> 00:43:11,310
That made Nan sad, because she
believes in God and finds comfort in it.
560
00:43:11,430 --> 00:43:16,420
"Free speech won't hold your hand
on your deathbed," she said.
561
00:43:37,850 --> 00:43:41,380
At the end of Motzfeldt Street,
you cross a square.
562
00:43:41,460 --> 00:43:45,220
Then you're just a stone's throw
away from Johanna's flat.
563
00:43:45,300 --> 00:43:47,490
Here you find different kinds of people.
564
00:43:47,560 --> 00:43:52,400
People that will never set foot in the
Botanical Gardens or Motzfeldt Street.
565
00:43:56,240 --> 00:43:57,580
It's so strange.
566
00:43:57,660 --> 00:44:03,190
You cross a footbridge into the stronghold
of capitalism, as Nan would say.
567
00:44:03,310 --> 00:44:07,070
Where people look like
they live and breathe money.
568
00:44:24,190 --> 00:44:26,690
I don't know why Johanna lived there.
569
00:44:26,770 --> 00:44:29,460
She was so different
from the others living here.
570
00:44:29,530 --> 00:44:31,530
It wasn't her flat.
571
00:44:31,610 --> 00:44:35,950
It belonged to a woman she knew
who spent most of her time abroad.
572
00:44:36,020 --> 00:44:39,710
When I asked who she was,
Johanna clammed up.
573
00:44:52,500 --> 00:44:55,150
I was at Johanna's nine times in total.
574
00:44:55,220 --> 00:44:58,830
And each time, it felt like
I knew the way a little better.
575
00:44:58,950 --> 00:45:01,710
As if I owned it a little more each time.
576
00:45:01,830 --> 00:45:05,250
Whichever it was,
it felt like I was growing.
577
00:45:05,320 --> 00:45:08,660
As if I was turning into someone else.
578
00:45:15,070 --> 00:45:20,370
I started thinking of other words.
Shale. Wool. Water.
579
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,170
Everything I associated with Johanna
580
00:45:25,250 --> 00:45:28,290
that opened up my world
and made my life bigger.
581
00:45:31,700 --> 00:45:33,810
It felt so good to be there.
582
00:45:33,890 --> 00:45:37,000
Just being in the same room,
doing our own thing.
583
00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:41,070
It felt like this is what it's like
to be a couple.
584
00:45:45,830 --> 00:45:47,870
And I did learn to knit.
585
00:45:47,980 --> 00:45:51,980
I knew the very basics.
But nothing like this.
586
00:45:52,820 --> 00:45:56,050
Like Johanna said:
It's an art of its own.
587
00:45:56,130 --> 00:45:59,010
And to master it,
you have to practise it.
588
00:45:59,120 --> 00:46:01,540
It has to become muscle memory.
589
00:46:01,620 --> 00:46:06,110
A sensibility acquired through experience,
which almost hurts at first.
590
00:46:06,190 --> 00:46:09,760
Because it's awkward and clumsy,
but then...
591
00:46:09,830 --> 00:46:13,330
when you get it,
you've got it for life.
592
00:46:13,410 --> 00:46:18,780
I often thought about how safe I felt,
being there.
593
00:46:18,860 --> 00:46:23,930
I couldn't read her mind, but I think
she liked having me there too.
594
00:46:23,970 --> 00:46:26,500
I mean, she must have.
595
00:46:26,580 --> 00:46:29,460
Because sometimes, it felt like
she didn't want me to leave.
596
00:46:29,530 --> 00:46:32,180
She'd sit really close to me.
597
00:46:32,260 --> 00:46:35,910
And it felt like
we were just about to, well... kiss.
598
00:46:35,980 --> 00:46:39,550
The more you practise,
the better you become.
599
00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:44,130
But then she pulled away
as if nothing had happened.
600
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:47,500
But I could tell she liked me.
She told me as much.
601
00:46:47,580 --> 00:46:50,850
That she thought I was wonderful.
602
00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:53,070
Which made me pretty flustered.
603
00:46:55,300 --> 00:46:58,530
Other times, it almost felt like
she was playing with me.
604
00:46:58,640 --> 00:47:00,940
But that made it more special, in a way.
605
00:47:01,020 --> 00:47:04,290
You wouldn't tease
someone you didn't like, would you?
606
00:48:38,670 --> 00:48:42,900
She's not as old as Mum.
But an adult, nonetheless.
607
00:48:43,050 --> 00:48:48,690
She reminds me of one of my cousins
who's twenty. They have the same skin.
608
00:48:48,850 --> 00:48:52,920
Incredibly soft.
609
00:48:52,990 --> 00:48:58,490
So... It just felt
completely overwhelming.
610
00:48:58,560 --> 00:49:01,440
Just looking at her
would drive me crazy.
611
00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:03,670
The only thing I wanted,
was to touch her.
612
00:49:03,750 --> 00:49:08,470
And it drove me crazy every time
I left without having done that.
613
00:49:10,770 --> 00:49:13,660
I know she and her
friends have tested porn.
614
00:49:13,670 --> 00:49:15,270
Have you spoken to her?
615
00:49:15,340 --> 00:49:20,340
No. I read it again yesterday,
and she's at school today.
616
00:49:20,410 --> 00:49:24,140
When I read it again yesterday,
I was so...
617
00:49:24,210 --> 00:49:28,550
I've started thinking
about other things, like myself.
618
00:49:28,630 --> 00:49:33,740
It's so good!
I had no idea she could write like that.
619
00:49:33,810 --> 00:49:38,270
I got so carried away
that I forgot I was reading about Johanne.
620
00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:42,530
- That's exactly what I said yesterday.
- You did?
621
00:49:42,610 --> 00:49:47,680
I can really relate to what it was like,
being so in love,
622
00:49:47,750 --> 00:49:52,290
and the tenderness I could feel
for someone else. I so miss that.
623
00:49:52,940 --> 00:49:55,510
I thought about
all the people I've slept with...
624
00:49:55,590 --> 00:50:00,000
All those wonderful, warm bodies
that are no longer a part of my life.
625
00:50:00,040 --> 00:50:03,880
- Have you slept with that many?
- Yes.
626
00:50:04,000 --> 00:50:06,650
More than you, I reckon.
627
00:50:06,720 --> 00:50:10,290
Jesus, I made my debut
at the age of fourteen.
628
00:50:10,370 --> 00:50:14,210
Sexually, I mean.
And as a writer when I was thirty-one.
629
00:50:14,290 --> 00:50:19,090
The former was a bit early, perhaps.
The latter much too late.
630
00:50:19,860 --> 00:50:24,000
I have to admit I cried a little...
631
00:50:24,850 --> 00:50:27,770
after reading it. It was just...
632
00:50:27,840 --> 00:50:31,870
- It made me feel a little old.
- Jesus, you're not old.
633
00:50:31,950 --> 00:50:35,020
If you were old,
I'd be dead a long time ago.
634
00:50:36,600 --> 00:50:41,470
I asked Johanne
if she wanted me to read it
635
00:50:41,550 --> 00:50:45,160
to get my professional opinion on it.
636
00:50:45,240 --> 00:50:49,960
- With an intent to publish it?
- That was my first thought.
637
00:50:50,810 --> 00:50:52,920
But what...
638
00:50:52,990 --> 00:50:55,110
Do you think it could be a book?
639
00:50:55,180 --> 00:50:59,640
I was ready to call my publisher
and ask her to look at it.
640
00:50:59,710 --> 00:51:05,090
They couldn't turn down
something this fabulous.
641
00:51:05,210 --> 00:51:09,470
- But that's not happening.
- Why not?
642
00:51:09,550 --> 00:51:14,730
It wasn't written to be published,
she wrote it to herself. It's her life.
643
00:51:14,810 --> 00:51:18,720
It wouldn't be her life any less
if she published it.
644
00:51:19,680 --> 00:51:22,260
It wouldn't!
645
00:51:24,480 --> 00:51:26,670
I'm just thinking out loud.
646
00:51:26,750 --> 00:51:32,590
Yesterday, you said she was a victim
of abuse, and now you want to publish it?
647
00:51:32,660 --> 00:51:39,420
I reacted instinctively. Now I see it
as a little feminist gem of a text.
648
00:51:39,540 --> 00:51:42,760
You went fast
from assault to feminism.
649
00:51:42,840 --> 00:51:45,140
You've got to help me get up here.
650
00:51:45,300 --> 00:51:48,250
Is there an internal struggle
going on in your head?
651
00:51:48,370 --> 00:51:54,050
You can't make sense of it, because...
Oh, is it the Brontë sisters?
652
00:51:55,700 --> 00:51:59,470
Are you foraging for mushrooms?
Any luck?
653
00:51:59,540 --> 00:52:02,150
It's a bit late in the year.
We found some.
654
00:52:02,230 --> 00:52:05,610
Funnel chanterelles, already frozen!
655
00:52:05,690 --> 00:52:08,830
- There we go!
- Isn't it getting a bit dark?
656
00:52:08,910 --> 00:52:13,060
It is, but we'll keep looking a bit longer.
657
00:52:13,140 --> 00:52:17,550
- We won't keep you.
- Have a good one!
658
00:52:17,630 --> 00:52:19,740
You're so prejudiced about me.
659
00:52:19,820 --> 00:52:24,960
What if I simply think
we should utilise our resources?
660
00:52:25,000 --> 00:52:29,650
Even the fact that you're using
the word "resources", makes me...
661
00:52:29,760 --> 00:52:34,260
Then I might as well keep quiet,
if you object to the words I use!
662
00:52:34,330 --> 00:52:37,210
You know, I remember it so clearly.
663
00:52:37,330 --> 00:52:40,360
Do you remember
when we saw Flashdance ages ago?
664
00:52:40,480 --> 00:52:43,320
That's the first time
I can remember feeling dumb.
665
00:52:43,390 --> 00:52:47,890
Because I had a different opinion than you.
I loved that film. I was ten.
666
00:52:48,000 --> 00:52:53,570
And you tore it apart like it was the worst
film ever made, a crime against humanity.
667
00:52:53,690 --> 00:52:57,870
Well, it was a horrible film.
Kristin, please listen to me.
668
00:52:57,950 --> 00:53:03,750
I'm from a generation who were on
the barricades from before we hit puberty,
669
00:53:03,820 --> 00:53:06,900
fighting for equal rights.
670
00:53:06,970 --> 00:53:09,890
So when you wanted
to watch Flashdance, I thought:
671
00:53:10,010 --> 00:53:15,150
Fantastic!
Finally a movie about a female welder.
672
00:53:15,230 --> 00:53:21,260
She was surrounded by men,
but she's completely unfazed.
673
00:53:21,330 --> 00:53:23,640
Long live equality!
674
00:53:23,710 --> 00:53:26,710
But that wasn't what the film was about.
675
00:53:26,790 --> 00:53:29,090
It was about her
wanting to be a sexy dancer.
676
00:53:29,210 --> 00:53:32,620
She would only serve to reinforce
677
00:53:32,700 --> 00:53:37,390
the sexist female stereotype
we'd been fighting so hard against!
678
00:53:37,540 --> 00:53:43,840
Can't you see that that film was
a giant disappointment and backlash
679
00:53:43,990 --> 00:53:46,180
for everything I'd worked so long for!
680
00:53:46,260 --> 00:53:49,940
You said that repeatedly!
But I loved it. I was ten years old!
681
00:53:50,020 --> 00:53:53,090
I just wanted to dance.
You could've let me have that joy!
682
00:53:53,170 --> 00:53:56,890
Honestly! Didn't I get you the soundtrack?
683
00:53:57,010 --> 00:53:58,770
But I couldn't enjoy it!
684
00:53:58,890 --> 00:54:03,840
You robbed me of that joy
by letting me feel I was wrong to like it.
685
00:54:03,880 --> 00:54:06,720
Maybe it was a good thing
I robbed you of that joy.
686
00:54:06,760 --> 00:54:11,870
It's not right
to enjoy something so wrong!
687
00:54:11,950 --> 00:54:16,320
It's almost like those mass rallies
688
00:54:16,360 --> 00:54:19,660
the nazis organized
in Nürnberg back in the day.
689
00:54:19,740 --> 00:54:22,810
I'm sure it was very entertaining.
I'm sure people loved them.
690
00:54:22,930 --> 00:54:26,310
- This is so dumb.
- But I must be allowed to criticize it!
691
00:54:26,380 --> 00:54:29,230
- Okay, take Flashdance.
- Why can't I criticize it?
692
00:54:29,300 --> 00:54:32,340
You can interpret it
as a story about social mobility, right?
693
00:54:32,410 --> 00:54:37,140
She's already proven herself
in a male-dominated job, and now...
694
00:54:37,210 --> 00:54:41,670
I can't help but think
we've lost something with your generation.
695
00:54:41,740 --> 00:54:43,820
You're so short-sighted.
696
00:54:43,890 --> 00:54:48,000
I should be allowed to say
that I think it's a wonderful book.
697
00:54:56,260 --> 00:54:58,910
- Press that. Is the light on?
- No.
698
00:54:58,990 --> 00:55:01,250
- Pull that up.
- Easier said than done.
699
00:55:01,330 --> 00:55:03,290
- Is someone there?
- Is it on?
700
00:55:03,400 --> 00:55:06,050
There! Hello!
701
00:55:06,130 --> 00:55:09,430
- It's the Brontë sisters.
- Do you know where the path is?
702
00:55:09,510 --> 00:55:11,930
We're standing on it.
703
00:55:13,960 --> 00:55:17,650
- Can we walk with you to the parking lot?
- Of course.
704
00:55:20,640 --> 00:55:22,760
Is someone afraid of the dark?
705
00:55:22,870 --> 00:55:28,290
A bit. I read poems aloud to myself.
It gives me strength.
706
00:55:28,360 --> 00:55:32,510
"There is no other strength
than inner strength."
707
00:55:32,590 --> 00:55:36,040
"And it comes from the outside."
That's from Ekelöf.
708
00:55:36,160 --> 00:55:39,880
"And like the magical name
your parents gave you
709
00:55:40,000 --> 00:55:43,610
to protect you against the darkness
and the lack of self,
710
00:55:43,680 --> 00:55:47,560
to distinguish you
from a thousand almost identical to you.
711
00:55:47,640 --> 00:55:52,050
Yet you are as nameless
as the night and the dark.
712
00:55:52,170 --> 00:55:55,050
"In truth, you are no one."
713
00:55:56,660 --> 00:55:59,970
"In truth, you are no one."
714
00:56:09,870 --> 00:56:12,450
Have you been
at dance class this whole time?
715
00:56:12,520 --> 00:56:14,060
Yeah.
716
00:56:23,240 --> 00:56:26,040
Is that mine?
717
00:56:26,120 --> 00:56:28,110
Yes.
718
00:56:28,190 --> 00:56:31,180
You were supposed to read it there.
719
00:56:33,260 --> 00:56:36,250
- Is that the only copy?
- Yes.
720
00:56:36,370 --> 00:56:38,440
It's mine.
721
00:56:41,630 --> 00:56:43,930
How are you holding up?
722
00:56:50,810 --> 00:56:52,460
I'm sorry for...
723
00:56:53,460 --> 00:56:55,340
lying to you.
724
00:57:00,940 --> 00:57:04,090
All the times I was at Johanna's
725
00:57:04,210 --> 00:57:07,970
and told you I was
with Jenny or at dance class.
726
00:57:11,010 --> 00:57:12,930
That's alright.
727
00:57:16,190 --> 00:57:18,190
Come here.
728
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:27,290
It's okay.
729
00:57:32,820 --> 00:57:35,930
- You're not angry?
- No, I'm not angry.
730
00:57:37,460 --> 00:57:39,570
Why would I be angry?
731
00:57:40,690 --> 00:57:43,260
It's so wonderful, Johanne.
732
00:57:54,130 --> 00:57:56,620
It's so wonderful, what you wrote.
733
00:57:59,730 --> 00:58:03,810
All you've been through
that I knew nothing about...
734
00:58:06,420 --> 00:58:10,100
But I have to ask.
Everything you've written:
735
00:58:10,180 --> 00:58:12,100
Is it true?
736
00:58:14,020 --> 00:58:17,090
It's about me. It's about my life.
737
00:58:17,170 --> 00:58:20,550
- But is it true?
- What do you mean?
738
00:58:25,390 --> 00:58:29,490
Did anything happen that you didn't want?
739
00:58:29,610 --> 00:58:31,720
Yes!
740
00:58:31,840 --> 00:58:34,760
She didn't want me!
741
00:58:34,830 --> 00:58:37,060
Did you expect to end up together?
742
00:58:37,140 --> 00:58:38,830
Yes!
743
00:58:40,290 --> 00:58:44,820
The second to last time I saw here,
we were so close.
744
00:58:44,890 --> 00:58:50,420
And I'm sure she wanted it
just as badly as I did.
745
00:58:51,040 --> 00:58:55,720
We'd been sitting there,
chatting and knitting for ages.
746
00:58:55,800 --> 00:59:00,790
Johanna's place was always so warm,
as if all the heaters were on.
747
00:59:00,870 --> 00:59:03,900
I loved it,
since it's always a bit cold at home.
748
00:59:03,980 --> 00:59:07,590
But ...
The heat also made me drowsy.
749
00:59:07,660 --> 00:59:11,930
And instead of suggesting I go home,
750
00:59:12,000 --> 00:59:16,500
Johanna said I could just
take a nap on the sofa.
751
00:59:16,570 --> 00:59:19,300
While she made tea.
752
00:59:19,380 --> 00:59:23,100
So I just lay there
and followed her with my eyes.
753
00:59:23,180 --> 00:59:26,750
While she walked around the flat.
754
00:59:26,830 --> 00:59:28,980
And that was so lovely.
755
00:59:29,050 --> 00:59:35,770
Because in that very moment,
it felt like I belonged there.
756
00:59:35,890 --> 00:59:39,080
And I was convinced
that she was in love with me too.
757
00:59:39,150 --> 00:59:42,190
You feel it, don't you?
In your body?
758
00:59:42,260 --> 00:59:45,640
When someone doesn't want you to leave.
759
01:00:06,150 --> 01:00:08,370
It's unmistakeable.
760
01:00:08,490 --> 01:00:10,220
You can feel it...
761
01:00:10,950 --> 01:00:14,290
on your skin and in your body.
762
01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:18,820
How everything trembles
and falls apart.
763
01:00:20,590 --> 01:00:23,700
And I could tell she felt the same way.
764
01:00:33,140 --> 01:00:36,330
That was the first time
we were completely...
765
01:00:37,640 --> 01:00:40,710
We kind of melted together.
766
01:00:40,780 --> 01:00:42,280
But...
767
01:00:42,360 --> 01:00:43,780
What's the matter?
768
01:00:43,860 --> 01:00:47,010
It's nothing.
769
01:00:47,080 --> 01:00:49,920
Did something happen?
770
01:00:51,880 --> 01:00:58,760
There are so many things in life you want
to share with someone, but you can't.
771
01:01:00,750 --> 01:01:03,520
You can tell me.
772
01:01:03,590 --> 01:01:06,280
You are so sweet.
773
01:01:06,360 --> 01:01:09,930
In a way, it feels like
you know me better than...
774
01:01:10,010 --> 01:01:12,690
people I've known for years.
775
01:01:12,810 --> 01:01:16,190
But certain things you simply have to...
776
01:01:16,270 --> 01:01:21,030
That you have to deal with on your own.
777
01:01:23,750 --> 01:01:28,210
I think it might be best if you leave now.
778
01:01:28,290 --> 01:01:30,470
- Are you certain?
- Yes, I am.
779
01:01:30,550 --> 01:01:32,550
I need some time for myself.
780
01:01:32,620 --> 01:01:35,080
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't want to leave.
781
01:01:35,160 --> 01:01:37,850
I just wanted to...
782
01:01:37,920 --> 01:01:40,420
I just wanted to hold her.
783
01:01:40,500 --> 01:01:43,800
She was so distraught.
And I was just as distraught.
784
01:01:43,880 --> 01:01:47,020
Both because I could see
how much pain she was in,
785
01:01:47,140 --> 01:01:50,250
but also because
I was powerless to help her.
786
01:01:51,400 --> 01:01:53,970
It was awful.
787
01:01:54,700 --> 01:01:56,780
I sent her a message as soon as I'd left,
788
01:01:56,850 --> 01:02:01,960
saying that I was thinking about her
with lots of hearts.
789
01:02:02,040 --> 01:02:07,680
Said she could call me anytime and that
she was my favourite person in the world.
790
01:02:07,720 --> 01:02:09,410
It was so awful, because...
791
01:02:09,530 --> 01:02:12,910
When I was there,
it felt like we were a couple.
792
01:02:12,980 --> 01:02:16,820
Then, out of the blue, it was over.
793
01:02:18,440 --> 01:02:21,780
I've never felt anything like that, Mum.
794
01:02:22,580 --> 01:02:24,890
But then she replied to my texts.
795
01:02:24,960 --> 01:02:31,110
She said she'd loved having me there
and wanted me to come back the next day.
796
01:02:32,950 --> 01:02:36,100
But the next day, she cancelled.
797
01:02:36,180 --> 01:02:37,870
She said something had come up.
798
01:02:37,940 --> 01:02:41,550
And the next day, she didn't
show up at school, so I called her.
799
01:02:41,630 --> 01:02:46,540
It was really nice.
She was glad I'd called.
800
01:02:46,620 --> 01:02:50,380
She'd come down
with a stomach bug and needed to rest.
801
01:02:51,340 --> 01:02:55,220
And she was also on her period,
so she was a bit...
802
01:02:55,300 --> 01:02:56,910
A bit under the weather.
803
01:02:56,990 --> 01:03:00,750
We messaged a lot in between.
804
01:03:00,830 --> 01:03:02,860
Words of encouragement and stuff.
805
01:03:02,940 --> 01:03:05,900
I wrote, "Get well, sweetie."
806
01:03:08,360 --> 01:03:10,660
But I also remember writing,
807
01:03:11,730 --> 01:03:14,350
"I care about you."
808
01:03:15,340 --> 01:03:18,760
I instantly regretted that.
809
01:03:19,910 --> 01:03:23,100
But then she replied straight away,
810
01:03:23,180 --> 01:03:26,940
saying she cared about me too,
accompanied by lots of hearts,
811
01:03:27,020 --> 01:03:30,630
said it felt good
to know I was looking after her.
812
01:03:30,700 --> 01:03:36,230
And I replied, saying I could come to hers
if she needed help with anything.
813
01:03:36,310 --> 01:03:39,270
Or if she wanted me to cook for her.
814
01:03:39,340 --> 01:03:41,070
But she didn't.
815
01:03:41,150 --> 01:03:42,920
This was just before Easter.
816
01:03:42,990 --> 01:03:47,140
And we went to the cabin for Easter.
817
01:03:47,220 --> 01:03:52,520
And then I got sick too.
I was devastated.
818
01:03:52,590 --> 01:03:55,970
I couldn't understand
why she didn't text me back.
819
01:03:56,820 --> 01:04:00,310
Well, she replied,
but kept it very brief.
820
01:04:00,390 --> 01:04:05,300
I told her I was at the cabin
and asked how she was doing.
821
01:04:05,380 --> 01:04:07,650
I told her I was sick as well.
822
01:04:07,720 --> 01:04:11,640
To which she replied,
"You poor thing, get better soon."
823
01:04:11,720 --> 01:04:15,250
And I wrote back,
"You poor thing, us poor things."
824
01:04:15,330 --> 01:04:18,740
I was picturing us being sick together.
825
01:04:18,820 --> 01:04:20,930
Even though we were apart.
826
01:04:22,470 --> 01:04:26,310
I sent her a picture one sunny day.
827
01:04:26,380 --> 01:04:28,840
And then she sent me a photo back.
828
01:04:29,650 --> 01:04:32,570
It was of her and a girlfriend.
829
01:04:32,640 --> 01:04:34,600
They were taking a stroll in town.
830
01:04:34,680 --> 01:04:40,020
She hadn't said that she was better,
so I was just surprised.
831
01:04:40,090 --> 01:04:43,130
I started picturing her
832
01:04:43,200 --> 01:04:48,160
doing things and meeting people,
without me.
833
01:04:49,620 --> 01:04:52,110
It felt like we were drifting apart.
834
01:04:52,190 --> 01:04:55,490
So I messaged her
saying that's how I felt.
835
01:04:55,610 --> 01:04:59,140
And she replied that
I shouldn't worry about that.
836
01:05:00,710 --> 01:05:03,210
And then I sent her a photo
of my knitting.
837
01:05:03,290 --> 01:05:09,120
Asked her if she could help me with it.
To which she replied, "Of course."
838
01:05:09,160 --> 01:05:14,650
She wrote, "Of course!",
with an exclamation mark and smileys.
839
01:05:14,770 --> 01:05:20,680
So we planned
that I'd visit her the following Tuesday.
840
01:05:24,870 --> 01:05:26,940
It was such a relief to see her again.
841
01:05:27,020 --> 01:05:29,010
So good to see you!
842
01:05:29,130 --> 01:05:34,120
And at first, it felt like
nothing had changed
843
01:05:34,200 --> 01:05:36,200
since the last time we saw each other.
844
01:05:36,270 --> 01:05:40,110
As if we just picked up where we left off.
845
01:05:40,190 --> 01:05:42,380
But then it wasn't the same after all.
846
01:05:42,450 --> 01:05:45,330
She was different. She was more...
847
01:05:45,450 --> 01:05:47,100
restless and silly.
848
01:05:47,180 --> 01:05:51,400
It's so different here.
Have you changed anything?
849
01:05:51,520 --> 01:05:54,010
Nah, I just got rid of all the junk.
850
01:05:54,130 --> 01:05:58,040
And she kept
telling jokes I didn't get.
851
01:05:58,120 --> 01:06:02,580
Maybe she was teasing me for
sending her so many texts over Easter.
852
01:06:02,650 --> 01:06:07,640
Well, she didn't exactly tease me,
but I was left with the impression
853
01:06:07,720 --> 01:06:11,560
that she thought I'd been a bit much.
854
01:06:11,640 --> 01:06:14,020
But the weirdest thing was that she...
855
01:06:15,480 --> 01:06:18,930
she was so busy tidying
that she didn't look at me.
856
01:06:19,050 --> 01:06:22,010
She was talking a lot,
she just didn't look at me.
857
01:06:22,080 --> 01:06:27,880
And her talking also seemed restless,
kind of warm and animated.
858
01:06:28,000 --> 01:06:30,260
Maybe a little.
859
01:06:30,340 --> 01:06:32,450
Like you get sometimes.
860
01:06:32,530 --> 01:06:37,370
When something is wrong or bothering you,
and you try to pretend everything is fine.
861
01:06:39,860 --> 01:06:43,010
You're not quite there.
And she wasn't either.
862
01:06:43,090 --> 01:06:46,010
Didn't you say
your grandmother also knits?
863
01:06:47,620 --> 01:06:50,770
Then the doorbell rang,
and she hurried to the door.
864
01:06:50,840 --> 01:06:53,340
And it was another woman.
865
01:06:53,420 --> 01:06:59,480
At first, I thought it was the woman
from the photo she'd sent me over Easter.
866
01:06:59,560 --> 01:07:01,870
But it wasn't.
867
01:07:01,940 --> 01:07:05,860
And I could tell
that Johanna knew she was coming.
868
01:07:06,630 --> 01:07:10,970
That she'd been invited.
869
01:07:11,040 --> 01:07:13,270
She acted like it too.
870
01:07:13,350 --> 01:07:16,840
The way she came into the flat.
871
01:07:16,920 --> 01:07:18,760
As if she hadn't been there before.
872
01:07:18,840 --> 01:07:21,640
As if she'd been invited
for dinner or something.
873
01:07:21,720 --> 01:07:25,400
Dressed up and wearing make-up.
She was clearly invited.
874
01:07:25,480 --> 01:07:29,780
- I'd forgot you live in the atelier.
- I always do.
875
01:07:29,860 --> 01:07:32,700
This is Johanne.
She's one of my students.
876
01:07:32,780 --> 01:07:35,810
Johanne and Johanna. That's cute.
877
01:07:35,930 --> 01:07:38,420
This is Frøydis.
878
01:07:38,500 --> 01:07:40,690
I'm not sure what to call you.
879
01:07:40,800 --> 01:07:43,680
Aren't I also a student of sorts?
880
01:07:43,720 --> 01:07:47,720
Frøydis studies at the Academy.
The same course I did.
881
01:07:48,790 --> 01:07:51,210
Are you giving her private lessons?
882
01:07:51,290 --> 01:07:54,590
No, I'm just helping her with her knitting.
883
01:07:54,670 --> 01:07:58,890
But Johanne was just leaving.
I'm going to put on something else.
884
01:08:01,190 --> 01:08:04,690
- Would you like a glass of wine?
- I'd love one.
885
01:08:09,370 --> 01:08:12,100
Johanna is really good at knitting.
886
01:08:12,180 --> 01:08:14,830
She has so many lovely jumpers.
887
01:08:14,900 --> 01:08:18,280
- You've got so many lovely jumpers!
- Thanks!
888
01:08:20,010 --> 01:08:23,620
Are you... You're in high school, right?
889
01:08:24,730 --> 01:08:26,580
Uh... yes.
890
01:08:26,650 --> 01:08:29,190
I told you she was in my class.
891
01:08:29,260 --> 01:08:31,450
Oh yeah, that's right.
892
01:08:31,570 --> 01:08:34,100
Johanna used to be my teacher as well.
893
01:08:34,180 --> 01:08:36,140
There are more of us.
894
01:08:37,440 --> 01:08:39,090
I love your hair.
895
01:08:39,210 --> 01:08:42,280
I wish I had hair like yours.
896
01:08:43,470 --> 01:08:46,540
- Do you need help with anything?
- No.
897
01:08:46,660 --> 01:08:50,190
I felt so stupid. Like a child.
898
01:08:51,230 --> 01:08:53,260
The way she touched my hair.
899
01:08:53,340 --> 01:08:57,640
She was just so mean,
so condescending.
900
01:09:00,940 --> 01:09:02,830
I just...
901
01:09:02,900 --> 01:09:05,210
I just left without a word.
902
01:09:10,310 --> 01:09:12,810
It felt part of me died just then.
903
01:09:12,890 --> 01:09:17,150
Have you ever felt like that?
Felt completely lifeless?
904
01:09:17,230 --> 01:09:20,370
But you have to keep on living?
905
01:09:20,490 --> 01:09:23,830
Which seems
as impossible as it is pointless.
906
01:09:23,910 --> 01:09:27,170
Because without her, nothing matters.
907
01:09:36,730 --> 01:09:40,300
I realize this has been painful, but...
908
01:09:40,380 --> 01:09:43,150
You're going to be okay.
909
01:09:43,220 --> 01:09:46,600
You will find someone else.
910
01:09:47,680 --> 01:09:51,020
I want one love.
911
01:09:51,090 --> 01:09:53,820
Not another.
912
01:10:06,680 --> 01:10:08,450
It was actually a relief.
913
01:10:08,530 --> 01:10:11,480
No longer having to hide this from Mum.
914
01:10:11,560 --> 01:10:15,400
But it did mean that
what I'd written was no longer a secret.
915
01:10:15,520 --> 01:10:18,470
Which made me
less afraid of passing it on.
916
01:10:18,550 --> 01:10:23,040
So when Mum and Nan suggested
showing it to Nan's editor,
917
01:10:23,160 --> 01:10:26,880
no strings attached,
it only felt exciting.
918
01:10:26,920 --> 01:10:30,380
- When was this?
- It was last autumn.
919
01:10:30,450 --> 01:10:34,370
We, the audience,
were standing down on the path,
920
01:10:34,450 --> 01:10:37,830
and these steps
were packed with dancers,
921
01:10:37,900 --> 01:10:40,020
and there was this golden glow.
922
01:10:40,090 --> 01:10:43,240
Which made me think of, you know,
923
01:10:43,320 --> 01:10:46,040
Jacob's Ladder from the Bible.
924
01:10:46,120 --> 01:10:51,190
Jacob dreamed that he saw
a gigantic ladder leading up to heaven.
925
01:10:51,270 --> 01:10:53,800
There was this inner longing.
926
01:10:53,920 --> 01:10:56,410
- A longing for God.
- Yes, maybe!
927
01:10:56,530 --> 01:10:59,450
Whatever God may be.
928
01:11:00,410 --> 01:11:04,550
What people picture
and long for varies so much,
929
01:11:04,630 --> 01:11:08,200
but it was really sexy.
930
01:11:08,320 --> 01:11:13,960
And at the same time,
it was strangely heart-warming.
931
01:11:14,080 --> 01:11:18,880
I think that was due to
the dancers' complete lack of vanity.
932
01:11:18,950 --> 01:11:25,560
They... just appeared like normal people.
933
01:11:25,640 --> 01:11:28,440
I think everyone in the audience...
934
01:11:29,440 --> 01:11:32,510
I think they felt comforted.
935
01:11:32,620 --> 01:11:37,500
And that...
Pay attention to this transition...
936
01:11:37,580 --> 01:11:44,180
That was the same feeling I got
when I read your granddaughter's book.
937
01:11:44,260 --> 01:11:46,830
It made me happy.
938
01:11:46,910 --> 01:11:50,440
My life suddenly seemed so simple.
939
01:11:50,560 --> 01:11:55,820
I felt an urge to go outside,
be more present in the world.
940
01:11:55,890 --> 01:11:58,930
That's wonderful.
Few books have that effect on you.
941
01:11:59,000 --> 01:12:02,920
- None of mine, at least.
- But you've never written that way.
942
01:12:03,000 --> 01:12:08,070
So vulnerable and brutally honest.
Because writing like that,
943
01:12:08,180 --> 01:12:14,330
so candid, so simple, without any
reservations? That's incredibly difficult.
944
01:12:14,400 --> 01:12:20,320
That's also what gives it... pathos.
Because it definitely has that.
945
01:12:20,390 --> 01:12:23,810
But it never feels clammy.
946
01:12:23,890 --> 01:12:28,040
It just feels nice.
947
01:12:28,110 --> 01:12:32,140
Turns of phrase like...
948
01:12:33,640 --> 01:12:36,940
"Secret skin".
How does she come up with that?
949
01:12:37,020 --> 01:12:41,480
I think she has that from me.
Well, not from me, but from Lars.
950
01:12:41,550 --> 01:12:45,050
Gyllensten. I quote him from time to time.
951
01:12:45,120 --> 01:12:49,960
"Thigh skin, belly skin,
shoulder skin, secret skin..."
952
01:12:51,230 --> 01:12:55,990
breast skin, arm skin, thigh skin...
953
01:12:56,070 --> 01:13:02,170
Stomach skin against... she skin,
skin on skin, secret on secret...
954
01:13:02,290 --> 01:13:03,860
"Holes."
955
01:13:03,940 --> 01:13:06,780
I recite it sometimes.
So I guess she's heard it from me.
956
01:13:06,860 --> 01:13:09,050
What about you?
957
01:13:09,120 --> 01:13:11,700
Are you writing these days?
958
01:13:11,770 --> 01:13:14,230
I may have another book in me.
959
01:13:14,310 --> 01:13:19,300
Lately, I've been...
I've rarely thought about it...
960
01:13:19,380 --> 01:13:22,490
But lately, it's become
this paralyzing thought.
961
01:13:22,560 --> 01:13:28,250
Who is interested in what I write?
I'm barely interested myself.
962
01:13:29,210 --> 01:13:34,740
So when you talk about this honesty,
writing about yourself like that...
963
01:13:34,810 --> 01:13:40,570
I get paralyzed by the thought
that I haven't really... lived much.
964
01:13:40,690 --> 01:13:44,450
I just live vicariously
through the characters in my poems.
965
01:13:44,570 --> 01:13:47,560
I wish I'd lived more.
966
01:13:47,680 --> 01:13:54,400
Fallen in love more. Slept with more men.
Slept with lots and lots and lots of...
967
01:13:54,470 --> 01:13:58,120
But it's a bit late for regrets now.
968
01:13:58,200 --> 01:14:03,190
Nan often spoke about all the things
she wished she'd done differently.
969
01:14:03,270 --> 01:14:09,300
Maybe there's a consolation in being able
to express your yearnings, your dreams.
970
01:14:09,370 --> 01:14:12,680
Because if it's true that what's on your
mind comes out in your dreams,
971
01:14:12,750 --> 01:14:17,480
I think Nan mostly dreamt
about books she never wrote.
972
01:14:17,550 --> 01:14:19,740
As well as sex. And God.
973
01:14:19,820 --> 01:14:23,270
What do you imagine God looks like?
974
01:14:25,160 --> 01:14:28,570
I don't know. Something... safe.
975
01:14:28,690 --> 01:14:32,070
I think he would have to be Swedish.
976
01:14:33,300 --> 01:14:38,130
A blonde, friendly, naked Swede
perched on the top of the ladder.
977
01:14:38,250 --> 01:14:41,940
Legs spread, flaunting his stuff
for anyone who's interested.
978
01:14:42,010 --> 01:14:47,500
Generously offering himself up.
That would've been fantastic.
979
01:14:47,580 --> 01:14:50,690
Then write about that. It's not too late.
980
01:14:52,730 --> 01:14:59,450
But as far as Johanne is concerned,
why don't you tell her I said
981
01:14:59,520 --> 01:15:02,360
I'd be happy to sit down and talk to her.
982
01:15:02,440 --> 01:15:06,440
Could this be something you'd publish?
983
01:15:06,510 --> 01:15:08,430
Absolutely.
984
01:15:14,150 --> 01:15:16,190
Here you go.
985
01:15:16,300 --> 01:15:19,260
Do you think your editor liked it?
986
01:15:20,220 --> 01:15:25,710
I don't know, really. She said some nice
things, but whether it was...
987
01:15:25,790 --> 01:15:30,280
- Enough to want to publish it?
- That's hard to say.
988
01:15:30,400 --> 01:15:34,040
We didn't really
talk that much about that.
989
01:15:34,120 --> 01:15:38,920
Be careful, this is frightfully hot.
Maybe I should top it up with cold water.
990
01:15:39,000 --> 01:15:41,920
I guess it'll be fine.
991
01:15:41,990 --> 01:15:43,840
Where was I? Oh, yes.
992
01:15:43,910 --> 01:15:47,330
I can give you her number,
and you can call her.
993
01:15:47,410 --> 01:15:51,320
If you would like to be a writer.
994
01:15:52,280 --> 01:15:53,780
"A writer."
995
01:15:53,860 --> 01:15:57,470
Well, if you want to turn it into a book.
996
01:15:58,280 --> 01:16:00,620
- I thought it was a book?
- You're against it.
997
01:16:00,690 --> 01:16:05,260
I'm nether for nor against it.
998
01:16:05,340 --> 01:16:07,380
Neither, really.
999
01:16:07,450 --> 01:16:10,600
At first, you didn't want
anyone to read it. Not even me.
1000
01:16:10,680 --> 01:16:15,400
You said that you'd written it
to preserve it for yourself.
1001
01:16:15,480 --> 01:16:20,360
You were almost hysterical
when I printed it out to read.
1002
01:16:20,430 --> 01:16:24,230
- What made you change your mind?
- You told me how good it was.
1003
01:16:24,310 --> 01:16:29,110
That you forgot it was about me.
That it swept you off your feet.
1004
01:16:29,190 --> 01:16:31,180
Did I say that? No, really?
1005
01:16:31,260 --> 01:16:33,560
You did! You did too, Mum.
1006
01:16:33,640 --> 01:16:37,020
You did say that.
You definitely said it to me.
1007
01:16:37,100 --> 01:16:40,900
- I never said that!
- Leave me out of this.
1008
01:16:40,980 --> 01:16:42,740
The only thing I said...
1009
01:16:44,050 --> 01:16:49,880
was that you write really well.
You could be a writer if you wanted to.
1010
01:16:49,960 --> 01:16:55,880
But Johanne, if this gets published,
lots of people will read it.
1011
01:16:55,950 --> 01:17:00,290
They will have opinions,
and you'll get critics and reviews.
1012
01:17:00,410 --> 01:17:04,900
And the reviews might be harsh,
so I just think...
1013
01:17:05,900 --> 01:17:11,500
- I'm worried you'd lose yourself.
- I wouldn't worry about that.
1014
01:17:11,580 --> 01:17:17,760
I think this is a relatable story,
and I think it could do rather well.
1015
01:17:17,800 --> 01:17:22,100
Please, I can practically see
the pound signs in your eyes.
1016
01:17:22,180 --> 01:17:23,640
- What?
- Yes.
1017
01:17:23,720 --> 01:17:28,750
You're only thinking profits.
The first thing you thought was "money".
1018
01:17:28,820 --> 01:17:32,090
- I'm not thinking about money!
- "Can we sell this?"
1019
01:17:32,160 --> 01:17:36,730
I think Johanne has written a good book,
and we should take that seriously.
1020
01:17:36,850 --> 01:17:41,000
She's created something we like, and we
need to figure out what to do with it.
1021
01:17:41,070 --> 01:17:43,950
Listen, this is a debut novel!
1022
01:17:44,030 --> 01:17:47,140
It might not sell a million copies.
1023
01:17:47,220 --> 01:17:50,750
- Of course not.
- Exactly.
1024
01:17:50,830 --> 01:17:53,010
Oh my God, you're so prejudiced.
1025
01:17:53,130 --> 01:17:57,780
I'm just saying that I think this...
1026
01:17:57,850 --> 01:18:00,850
could become a pretty good book,
1027
01:18:00,920 --> 01:18:03,380
and one which might have broad appeal.
1028
01:18:03,460 --> 01:18:06,450
But if it does, it's because it's topical!
1029
01:18:06,570 --> 01:18:10,410
And because it's a relatable story.
1030
01:18:10,490 --> 01:18:15,750
It's a story of queer awakening.
It could be important to queer people.
1031
01:18:15,820 --> 01:18:18,470
- Queer awakening?
- That's what it is.
1032
01:18:18,550 --> 01:18:21,660
Am I queer just because
I fell in love with Johanna?
1033
01:18:21,740 --> 01:18:24,620
It sure looks that way.
But you should be proud!
1034
01:18:24,690 --> 01:18:26,190
Proud?
1035
01:18:26,270 --> 01:18:30,260
That's what makes this book so important.
1036
01:18:30,340 --> 01:18:33,140
That's an essential aspect of it,
if you ask me.
1037
01:18:33,220 --> 01:18:36,020
This book could help
young people, because...
1038
01:18:37,830 --> 01:18:41,670
The truth is that
each and every one of us...
1039
01:18:41,740 --> 01:18:46,510
All of us have a story.
Everyone has a story.
1040
01:18:46,580 --> 01:18:51,190
In that sense,
our lives are potential businesses,
1041
01:18:51,270 --> 01:18:56,800
because stories are what people crave,
or what they need.
1042
01:18:56,870 --> 01:19:00,060
We need to tell and hear
each other's stories.
1043
01:19:00,140 --> 01:19:03,980
Stories that give us courage,
comfort, excitement and joy,
1044
01:19:04,050 --> 01:19:07,510
which reflect our own lives.
People are not so different.
1045
01:19:07,590 --> 01:19:11,160
We struggle with a lot of the same things.
1046
01:19:11,240 --> 01:19:18,920
In that way, stories can help us
process things and move on.
1047
01:19:19,300 --> 01:19:23,250
You don't think it's a tad explicit?
1048
01:19:23,370 --> 01:19:25,400
Yes! And that's a good thing.
1049
01:19:25,480 --> 01:19:30,860
Learning to describe sex and sexuality
with no chaste reservations,
1050
01:19:30,930 --> 01:19:34,430
that's something we need.
In my opinion.
1051
01:19:34,510 --> 01:19:36,040
Jesus.
1052
01:19:36,120 --> 01:19:41,800
All of a sudden I'm the one pushing
for you to publish your book, and that...
1053
01:19:41,880 --> 01:19:46,760
I'm not trying to...
That's completely up to you, Johanne.
1054
01:19:46,830 --> 01:19:52,550
You need to think it over one, two,
three and ten times, as Nan likes to say.
1055
01:19:52,630 --> 01:19:56,780
Because this could turn into a bumpy ride.
1056
01:19:58,470 --> 01:20:02,150
We also have to decide
whether she's ready to...
1057
01:20:04,420 --> 01:20:07,800
And you need to talk to Johanna.
1058
01:20:07,880 --> 01:20:10,520
- You have to let her read it.
- No!
1059
01:20:10,600 --> 01:20:13,480
- Yes, you have to.
- No!
1060
01:20:13,560 --> 01:20:15,900
No way!
1061
01:20:15,980 --> 01:20:21,120
No publisher is going to touch it
unless she's read it.
1062
01:20:21,160 --> 01:20:25,000
She'll get to read it anyway.
You don't have a choice.
1063
01:20:25,080 --> 01:20:27,150
No, that's...
1064
01:20:28,040 --> 01:20:30,760
- I can't.
- Then that's settled.
1065
01:20:30,880 --> 01:20:36,750
I really think we should wait.
You're only seventeen.
1066
01:20:36,830 --> 01:20:41,440
You've proved that you can write.
Now you can write something else.
1067
01:20:41,510 --> 01:20:46,280
Or you can write about this again,
once you've got a bit of distance.
1068
01:20:46,350 --> 01:20:50,690
"Distance", I didn't want distance.
1069
01:20:50,810 --> 01:20:54,990
What I really wanted was Johanna.
Even now.
1070
01:20:55,070 --> 01:20:57,600
I could feel it when Mum said her name.
1071
01:20:57,640 --> 01:21:01,250
A longing in the pit of my stomach.
1072
01:21:02,290 --> 01:21:04,860
That night, I read my text once more.
1073
01:21:04,940 --> 01:21:07,090
Mainly because of that.
1074
01:21:07,200 --> 01:21:11,930
And I felt it flaring up again
as I was reading.
1075
01:21:12,040 --> 01:21:14,920
It felt like reliving it.
1076
01:21:15,040 --> 01:21:17,000
And I thought...
1077
01:21:17,070 --> 01:21:19,680
Maybe Johanna should
get to read it after all.
1078
01:21:19,720 --> 01:21:22,830
So she'd know exactly how I felt.
1079
01:21:22,910 --> 01:21:27,290
I thought maybe she'd be impressed.
1080
01:21:27,400 --> 01:21:29,740
Maybe she'd see me in a new light.
1081
01:21:29,820 --> 01:21:32,890
I'd written about her in a kind way.
1082
01:21:33,010 --> 01:21:36,120
It was written as a love letter,
more or less.
1083
01:21:36,200 --> 01:21:39,610
Maybe it would make an impression.
1084
01:21:39,730 --> 01:21:45,870
And maybe, in a few years, when I was
over twenty and a published writer...
1085
01:21:45,950 --> 01:21:48,520
Maybe if we met again then...
1086
01:21:48,640 --> 01:21:52,550
she'd realize
that we were meant to be.
1087
01:22:37,870 --> 01:22:39,750
Here's your book.
1088
01:22:39,820 --> 01:22:42,820
- It's so good.
- Thank you.
1089
01:23:30,200 --> 01:23:32,970
I simply couldn't face her.
1090
01:23:33,050 --> 01:23:35,270
So Mum got in touch on my behalf.
1091
01:23:35,350 --> 01:23:39,460
She called Johanna, told it like it was,
and sent her the script.
1092
01:23:39,540 --> 01:23:43,300
And after she'd read it,
they arranged to meet.
1093
01:24:14,250 --> 01:24:18,930
- You didn't go for the cinnamon bun?
- I can't eat that by myself.
1094
01:24:19,050 --> 01:24:22,660
- Of course you can!
- Oh dear, I spilled some. Sorry.
1095
01:24:22,740 --> 01:24:25,960
- That's fine.
- Happens.
1096
01:24:28,070 --> 01:24:31,260
Well...
I don't know...
1097
01:24:32,220 --> 01:24:34,830
I must admit,
I've been dreading this meeting.
1098
01:24:34,910 --> 01:24:37,440
Have you? And why is that?
1099
01:24:37,480 --> 01:24:41,440
I don't know what you're thinking.
Do you intend to press charges?
1100
01:24:41,510 --> 01:24:43,320
Press charges? No, that's...
1101
01:24:43,400 --> 01:24:46,930
- Or press charges against the school?
- That was hot.
1102
01:24:49,120 --> 01:24:51,770
Well, I can see how this may look.
1103
01:24:51,840 --> 01:24:55,030
As if I've gone way too far.
1104
01:24:55,110 --> 01:24:58,600
You're not supposed
to fraternize with students.
1105
01:24:58,720 --> 01:25:01,140
But in my defence, I'm not a teacher.
1106
01:25:01,210 --> 01:25:06,930
- You're not a teacher?
- I have no pedagogy degree.
1107
01:25:07,050 --> 01:25:11,080
I went to the art academy.
I'm actually a visual artist.
1108
01:25:11,160 --> 01:25:16,230
Which is no excuse, of course.
Just a weak explanation.
1109
01:25:16,300 --> 01:25:22,870
I must say that I didn't see anything wrong
in letting Johanne visit me.
1110
01:25:22,950 --> 01:25:26,980
But having read...
Well, now...
1111
01:25:28,980 --> 01:25:33,280
You don't need to worry
about us pressing charges.
1112
01:25:33,350 --> 01:25:36,620
I've talked to her.
I know nothing happened.
1113
01:25:36,690 --> 01:25:39,340
Okay...
Okay, that's...
1114
01:25:39,420 --> 01:25:42,760
That's such a relief to hear.
1115
01:25:42,880 --> 01:25:46,870
I don't have children,
but I can only imagine
1116
01:25:46,950 --> 01:25:50,750
what I would do if my daughter
had written something like that.
1117
01:25:50,830 --> 01:25:55,090
But that's very... mature of you,
to take it like that.
1118
01:25:55,160 --> 01:25:57,700
Yes, well...
1119
01:25:58,280 --> 01:26:03,840
I must say it felt weird to read it,
since I had no idea Johanne felt this way.
1120
01:26:03,880 --> 01:26:05,530
Surely you must have?
1121
01:26:05,650 --> 01:26:10,060
- No.
- But, I mean...
1122
01:26:10,140 --> 01:26:14,100
When you read it,
it feels very... You know...
1123
01:26:14,170 --> 01:26:17,090
You must've realised
she had a crush on you.
1124
01:26:17,210 --> 01:26:20,200
Absolutely not! Not at first.
1125
01:26:23,500 --> 01:26:27,880
Then, eventually, maybe a little...
1126
01:26:28,000 --> 01:26:31,910
She wanted to learn how to knit,
which was nice.
1127
01:26:31,990 --> 01:26:34,260
But that she was in love?
1128
01:26:35,410 --> 01:26:40,480
When I react like this,
it's mostly on behalf of Johanne.
1129
01:26:40,550 --> 01:26:43,780
Surely you were
a bit taken with her as well?
1130
01:26:45,700 --> 01:26:48,350
No?
1131
01:26:48,430 --> 01:26:50,460
No.
1132
01:26:50,540 --> 01:26:57,370
When I read it,
I find it very hard to believe...
1133
01:26:57,490 --> 01:27:02,100
Maybe it's wrong to say
I didn't pick up on it at all.
1134
01:27:02,170 --> 01:27:04,860
Johanne is a very tactile girl.
1135
01:27:04,940 --> 01:27:09,660
But in more of a childish, friendly way.
1136
01:27:09,740 --> 01:27:14,580
That's how I interpreted it.
I think that's an important distinction.
1137
01:27:14,650 --> 01:27:19,110
You know what I mean, right?
Non-sexual intimacy between girls.
1138
01:27:19,180 --> 01:27:23,680
And you get that I can't sit here
and tell you that I was attracted to her.
1139
01:27:23,750 --> 01:27:27,250
- But were you?
- If I was?
1140
01:27:27,320 --> 01:27:30,510
Maybe a little bit towards the end.
1141
01:27:30,590 --> 01:27:34,580
When you're being lavished
with attention like that...
1142
01:27:34,660 --> 01:27:38,610
But then I cut it off. As soon
as I realised what was going on.
1143
01:27:38,730 --> 01:27:42,260
- But then you did realize it?
- Well, it's like she wrote.
1144
01:27:42,340 --> 01:27:44,530
Just like it says in the text.
1145
01:27:44,600 --> 01:27:46,830
And I had just met someone...
1146
01:27:46,910 --> 01:27:50,130
I just need you to know
that nothing happened.
1147
01:27:50,250 --> 01:27:53,970
No one crossed that line,
even if it may appear that way.
1148
01:27:54,090 --> 01:27:58,740
There are some...
very intimate depictions.
1149
01:27:59,850 --> 01:28:02,380
Yes... Yes.
1150
01:28:02,460 --> 01:28:05,300
Very sexual.
1151
01:28:05,380 --> 01:28:08,840
Which made me wonder.
1152
01:28:11,100 --> 01:28:14,750
The depictions of my body
were very graphic.
1153
01:28:14,830 --> 01:28:18,400
"This must come from
Johanne's imagination."
1154
01:28:18,470 --> 01:28:23,730
Because she writes in parts
about her dreams and longings.
1155
01:28:23,850 --> 01:28:27,770
But that said,
reading it felt a bit like being abused.
1156
01:28:27,840 --> 01:28:29,880
- Abused?
- Yes.
1157
01:28:29,960 --> 01:28:36,870
All the descriptions of what she felt while
sitting next to me, stroking my arm...
1158
01:28:36,940 --> 01:28:40,550
It gave me the sweats.
"Did she abuse me?"
1159
01:28:40,630 --> 01:28:46,200
Abuse is a big word to use,
considering the circumstances.
1160
01:28:46,280 --> 01:28:52,070
Yes, and I'm not in any position
to press charges against her.
1161
01:28:52,150 --> 01:28:57,950
But I think it's possible
to be abused without realizing it.
1162
01:28:58,030 --> 01:29:04,940
But if you were unaware that she was
infatuated, how can that be abuse?
1163
01:29:05,900 --> 01:29:08,930
It's quite obvious
that she took advantage of me.
1164
01:29:09,050 --> 01:29:11,000
Well, she was in love.
1165
01:29:11,080 --> 01:29:15,310
But that doesn't give her
the right to do whatever she likes.
1166
01:29:15,380 --> 01:29:20,140
I know I'm biased, but I've raised
Johanne to have respect for others.
1167
01:29:20,220 --> 01:29:24,750
- And she does have that.
- Yes, but I think that...
1168
01:29:26,100 --> 01:29:28,900
No, I'm sure you're right.
1169
01:29:28,980 --> 01:29:32,590
To be honest,
I can actually relate a little.
1170
01:29:32,660 --> 01:29:38,840
It's a beautiful thing to discover
those feelings within yourself.
1171
01:29:40,040 --> 01:29:45,030
Then there are parts I miss,
things she has left out.
1172
01:29:46,290 --> 01:29:51,480
But then again, infatuation feeds
on its own self-centredness, right?
1173
01:29:51,560 --> 01:29:58,080
You're more obsessed with your own feelings
than with the object of your desire.
1174
01:29:58,120 --> 01:30:04,190
I have this thing where I say
the Lord's Prayer when I'm nervous.
1175
01:30:04,270 --> 01:30:06,840
Or scared or excited.
1176
01:30:06,920 --> 01:30:13,020
And I do remember doing that when
Johanne sat next to me stroking my arm.
1177
01:30:13,100 --> 01:30:17,550
But she's left that out.
And I find that strange.
1178
01:30:17,630 --> 01:30:20,850
Because... that makes it seem like...
1179
01:30:20,970 --> 01:30:24,580
Like I only exist through her eyes.
1180
01:30:25,810 --> 01:30:28,070
And not in myself.
1181
01:30:30,490 --> 01:30:33,330
But Johanna, that's simply not true.
1182
01:30:33,450 --> 01:30:35,370
I did hear your prayer.
1183
01:30:35,450 --> 01:30:40,250
It moved me deeply that you dared to share
something so private and intimate with me.
1184
01:30:40,320 --> 01:30:43,470
Leaving it out
was a token of my respect for you.
1185
01:30:43,550 --> 01:30:47,310
It would've felt like a betrayal of trust.
1186
01:30:47,390 --> 01:30:52,000
I left out many other things as well.
And be thankful for that!
1187
01:30:52,070 --> 01:30:54,840
Many readers may think
this was written by a child
1188
01:30:54,920 --> 01:30:56,950
who doesn't understand
what sex is.
1189
01:30:57,030 --> 01:31:02,830
One who thinks sex is a mix of bubble gum,
cuddly toys and soft boyband skin.
1190
01:31:02,900 --> 01:31:06,400
Well, let them think that.
It's all for the better.
1191
01:31:06,470 --> 01:31:10,120
But you know I never saw it like that.
I knew what sex is.
1192
01:31:10,240 --> 01:31:12,390
And what I did to you, and you to me.
1193
01:31:12,460 --> 01:31:15,340
- Are we done here?
- Yes, we're done.
1194
01:31:15,420 --> 01:31:18,450
I wanted to make sure
you're OK with it being published.
1195
01:31:18,570 --> 01:31:21,260
Oh yes, by all means.
1196
01:31:21,330 --> 01:31:23,480
Tell Johanne I said hi and good luck.
1197
01:31:23,560 --> 01:31:29,510
Maybe it would do her good
to hear that she's not my type?
1198
01:31:29,590 --> 01:31:34,470
I did really like her, of course.
And she has written, well...
1199
01:31:34,540 --> 01:31:37,390
Let's just say
she's better at writing than knitting.
1200
01:31:37,460 --> 01:31:39,460
My knitting isn't that bad.
1201
01:31:39,540 --> 01:31:41,800
I just didn't enjoy it.
1202
01:31:41,880 --> 01:31:44,340
And that part about
me not being your type?
1203
01:31:44,410 --> 01:31:47,220
As if that excuses
everything you let happen?
1204
01:31:47,290 --> 01:31:49,330
I don't believe you.
1205
01:31:49,400 --> 01:31:51,400
I think you felt that I wanted you.
1206
01:31:51,480 --> 01:31:54,590
And that you couldn't resist.
1207
01:31:54,670 --> 01:31:58,970
Isn't that what everyone dreams of?
Someone who wants you.
1208
01:31:59,040 --> 01:32:02,770
Because what are you,
if nobody wants you? You're no one.
1209
01:32:04,070 --> 01:32:05,720
You're no one.
1210
01:32:05,800 --> 01:32:07,530
And when I think about Mum,
1211
01:32:07,610 --> 01:32:12,100
fumbling about online where everyone's
self-obsessed and self-indulgent.
1212
01:32:12,180 --> 01:32:14,130
I know that she's dating.
1213
01:32:14,250 --> 01:32:20,590
But when she comes home, I can tell that
it hardly left her feeling irreplaceable.
1214
01:32:21,470 --> 01:32:23,620
Nan doesn't even try to meet anyone.
1215
01:32:23,700 --> 01:32:27,080
She just tries to find solace in words.
1216
01:32:27,150 --> 01:32:30,650
But no matter how well
she penetrates the language,
1217
01:32:30,720 --> 01:32:34,990
the words will never embrace her.
As she puts it.
1218
01:32:35,060 --> 01:32:38,900
She no longer dreams
of being irreplaceable to someone.
1219
01:32:38,980 --> 01:32:43,890
All she wants, is one last embrace
from another human being.
1220
01:32:44,010 --> 01:32:45,930
From a body.
1221
01:32:47,500 --> 01:32:51,110
I think she dreams about that constantly.
1222
01:32:52,040 --> 01:32:54,990
And honestly, it's what I dream about too.
1223
01:34:57,560 --> 01:35:02,440
The book was published a while ago,
and Johanna has got married and moved.
1224
01:35:02,560 --> 01:35:07,010
She has a partner, and I have this book.
I guess that's all.
1225
01:35:07,130 --> 01:35:09,510
It was pretty well received.
1226
01:35:09,580 --> 01:35:12,430
Well, at least one favourable review.
1227
01:35:13,880 --> 01:35:17,610
And a few less favourable.
1228
01:35:17,690 --> 01:35:19,910
But I think it's selling.
1229
01:35:19,990 --> 01:35:21,990
Not in huge numbers, but...
1230
01:35:22,060 --> 01:35:27,480
It's just a debut novel,
as Nan likes to say.
1231
01:35:27,560 --> 01:35:31,130
She and Mum are very proud.
1232
01:35:31,200 --> 01:35:33,080
Aren't you a little proud too?
1233
01:35:33,160 --> 01:35:35,580
Aren't you a little proud of the book?
1234
01:35:35,660 --> 01:35:36,960
Proud?
1235
01:35:37,000 --> 01:35:41,190
I'm not sure. Proud...
1236
01:35:41,260 --> 01:35:47,720
I did write a book,
but then again, so have many others.
1237
01:35:47,790 --> 01:35:50,790
I guess I'd been expecting a bit more.
1238
01:35:50,860 --> 01:35:55,130
And when I look at the book now...
I don't know.
1239
01:35:55,200 --> 01:35:59,890
I don't really feel that it has much
to do with me, the way it turned out.
1240
01:35:59,960 --> 01:36:02,500
Why have you come to see me?
1241
01:36:02,580 --> 01:36:05,460
Mum follows you on Twitter.
1242
01:36:05,530 --> 01:36:07,610
Your mum?
1243
01:36:07,680 --> 01:36:12,980
She loves your tweets about mental health.
1244
01:36:13,060 --> 01:36:18,590
I don't get how you manage to express
yourself so nuanced in so few words.
1245
01:36:18,670 --> 01:36:21,930
I had to write a whole novel.
1246
01:36:22,010 --> 01:36:26,120
I've deactivated my Twitter account.
Long ago.
1247
01:36:26,190 --> 01:36:30,760
I see. Well, Mum and Nan
thought it would be a good idea.
1248
01:36:30,880 --> 01:36:35,680
That I speak to someone,
after everything I've been through.
1249
01:36:35,750 --> 01:36:41,090
Everything you've been through?
You've fallen in love and published a book.
1250
01:36:41,170 --> 01:36:43,240
Yes?
1251
01:36:43,360 --> 01:36:48,350
When you put it like that,
you make it sound incredibly mundane.
1252
01:36:48,430 --> 01:36:50,380
Well, it is.
1253
01:36:50,460 --> 01:36:55,950
At least falling in love.
That's something everyone experiences.
1254
01:36:56,030 --> 01:36:57,600
It's a part of life.
1255
01:36:57,640 --> 01:37:00,020
So you don't think
I should've come here?
1256
01:37:00,100 --> 01:37:05,320
I'm not saying that, but I think we have
to figure out what you need help with.
1257
01:37:07,360 --> 01:37:09,550
Yes.
1258
01:37:11,080 --> 01:37:15,270
- I guess I feel a bit... empty.
- Empty?
1259
01:37:15,340 --> 01:37:18,110
And I have for a good while.
1260
01:37:19,450 --> 01:37:22,830
Can you tell me a bit more about that?
1261
01:37:22,910 --> 01:37:25,750
Well, I'm wondering...
1262
01:37:25,830 --> 01:37:29,820
I'm wondering, where do I go from here?
1263
01:37:29,900 --> 01:37:32,550
Now that this is over.
1264
01:37:32,620 --> 01:37:37,730
Before, when it was just mine,
when it was just the flash drive...
1265
01:37:37,850 --> 01:37:40,530
I still have it, by the way.
1266
01:37:41,610 --> 01:37:45,100
Then I kept the feelings alive, in a way.
1267
01:37:45,180 --> 01:37:47,980
Even though I knew
we could never be together.
1268
01:37:48,060 --> 01:37:52,520
It was painful as hell,
but it also felt good.
1269
01:37:52,590 --> 01:37:55,890
Feeling something so strongly.
1270
01:37:56,010 --> 01:38:01,390
Now that the book has been published,
it's just a book. And I keep thinking...
1271
01:38:01,460 --> 01:38:07,030
If I fall in love again,
it'll just be the same thing.
1272
01:38:07,110 --> 01:38:09,530
It will be unrequited.
1273
01:38:09,600 --> 01:38:12,980
Do I write a book about that as well?
1274
01:38:13,060 --> 01:38:18,200
You think
that it will never be reciprocal?
1275
01:38:18,280 --> 01:38:22,200
No.
And I actually have a boyfriend now.
1276
01:38:22,280 --> 01:38:24,690
That's nice enough.
1277
01:38:24,810 --> 01:38:29,610
He likes to get naked
and lie down on his belly.
1278
01:38:29,690 --> 01:38:32,180
He wants me to look at his ass.
1279
01:38:32,260 --> 01:38:33,990
I think that's quite nice.
1280
01:38:34,060 --> 01:38:38,170
He makes himself
so very naked and vulnerable.
1281
01:38:38,290 --> 01:38:42,630
Although I'm sure he want it
to be sexy, not vulnerable.
1282
01:38:42,700 --> 01:38:47,000
Maybe it would have been sexy
to someone else.
1283
01:38:47,080 --> 01:38:50,230
Because I... I don't know.
1284
01:38:52,110 --> 01:38:54,920
And he loves taking photos of us.
1285
01:38:54,990 --> 01:38:59,100
It's always the same pose. He's behind me
with his arm around my waist.
1286
01:38:59,180 --> 01:39:02,290
The Titanic pose, he calls it.
1287
01:39:02,360 --> 01:39:05,280
I guess that's his idea
of what love should look like.
1288
01:39:05,320 --> 01:39:08,620
And what do you think
love looks like?
1289
01:39:08,700 --> 01:39:11,770
- I don't have a fixed image.
- No?
1290
01:39:11,890 --> 01:39:16,230
I know what love feels like,
but not what it looks like.
1291
01:39:16,300 --> 01:39:19,720
That doesn't really interest me.
1292
01:39:24,330 --> 01:39:29,090
Would you like
to come back for another session?
1293
01:39:29,170 --> 01:39:33,700
- Oh, are we finished already?
- Already?
1294
01:39:33,780 --> 01:39:40,920
You've been here for ninety minutes.
That's a while.
1295
01:39:41,000 --> 01:39:45,410
Do you ever feel like
telling people to just get a grip?
1296
01:39:45,530 --> 01:39:47,520
No.
1297
01:39:47,560 --> 01:39:51,710
- Do you want another appointment?
- I'm not sure.
1298
01:39:51,790 --> 01:39:54,360
It's so expensive.
1299
01:39:54,440 --> 01:39:57,470
- Why is it so expensive?
- Good question.
1300
01:39:57,550 --> 01:40:01,310
Going to therapy is demanding, right?
1301
01:40:01,390 --> 01:40:05,000
You have to contribute
and work hard to get better.
1302
01:40:05,070 --> 01:40:12,710
Well, some would argue
that people work harder if it costs more.
1303
01:40:12,790 --> 01:40:17,550
That the high cost is a motivating factor.
1304
01:40:17,630 --> 01:40:20,470
But you must also have something to offer?
1305
01:40:20,550 --> 01:40:22,700
You're a nice guy and all, it's not that.
1306
01:40:22,770 --> 01:40:24,810
But the way you speak...
1307
01:40:24,890 --> 01:40:28,110
It's like you're trying
to put everything in a system.
1308
01:40:28,190 --> 01:40:33,560
You make my life so tiny. It shrinks
when I talk about it like you do.
1309
01:40:33,640 --> 01:40:35,910
That's not the intention.
1310
01:40:35,980 --> 01:40:39,750
The intention is the exact opposite.
1311
01:40:39,820 --> 01:40:43,400
And you decide
what you want to talk about.
1312
01:40:43,470 --> 01:40:50,080
Usually, people have therapy
to get help figuring themselves out.
1313
01:40:50,150 --> 01:40:53,800
But "figuring myself out"...
1314
01:40:53,880 --> 01:40:57,720
I mean, that changes constantly.
1315
01:40:58,720 --> 01:41:02,830
Will I have to come here
for the rest of my life?
1316
01:41:02,900 --> 01:41:04,590
No, no.
1317
01:41:04,670 --> 01:41:07,660
Hardly for the rest of your life.
1318
01:41:12,690 --> 01:41:14,150
- Hi!
- Hi.
1319
01:41:14,230 --> 01:41:17,570
- Sorry I'm so late.
- No worries. How was it?
1320
01:41:17,650 --> 01:41:19,880
It was alright.
1321
01:41:19,950 --> 01:41:22,950
- Shall we go meet the others?
- Yeah.
1322
01:41:23,020 --> 01:41:25,670
Shit. I left something.
1323
01:41:25,750 --> 01:41:28,710
I have to go get it.
You go ahead, and I'll catch up.
1324
01:41:28,780 --> 01:41:31,160
Okay. Don't take too long.
1325
01:41:40,380 --> 01:41:42,150
Hi.
1326
01:41:42,220 --> 01:41:45,300
Are you...
Didn't we meet at Johanna's?
1327
01:41:46,410 --> 01:41:50,520
- You were the one with the nice hair.
- Oh yeah.
1328
01:41:50,630 --> 01:41:53,940
How are you?
Or... stupid question, I guess.
1329
01:41:54,010 --> 01:41:59,540
- Do you have a session?
- Now? No.
1330
01:41:59,620 --> 01:42:02,310
There are only shrinks in this hallway.
1331
01:42:02,380 --> 01:42:04,920
I just finished a session.
1332
01:42:05,000 --> 01:42:07,570
Me too. Just a minute ago.
1333
01:42:08,340 --> 01:42:11,060
- It's a bit tiring.
- Yes.
1334
01:42:11,140 --> 01:42:13,640
And I'm not sure how much it helps.
1335
01:42:13,710 --> 01:42:15,860
At least not for me.
1336
01:42:15,940 --> 01:42:21,430
But then, how much did the birds of Vienna
benefit from Freud's practice?
1337
01:42:21,550 --> 01:42:26,920
- What?
- It's just something my nan says.
1338
01:42:27,000 --> 01:42:29,070
I think it's from a poem.
1339
01:42:29,190 --> 01:42:35,140
It popped into my head while watching
my shrink trying to find the right words.
1340
01:42:36,180 --> 01:42:38,020
You look a bit older.
1341
01:42:39,060 --> 01:42:40,980
You look younger.
1342
01:42:42,090 --> 01:42:45,050
It was really nice running into you.
1343
01:42:45,120 --> 01:42:48,430
I mean, it was...
1344
01:42:48,500 --> 01:42:50,840
a bit tiring.
1345
01:42:50,920 --> 01:42:54,530
Are you in touch with Johanna?
Is she still your teacher?
1346
01:42:54,610 --> 01:42:57,910
No. No, there's no...
1347
01:42:58,030 --> 01:42:59,560
No.
1348
01:43:02,330 --> 01:43:04,900
Would you like to grab a cup of coffee?
1349
01:43:04,980 --> 01:43:07,510
- Now?
- Yes.
1350
01:43:08,660 --> 01:43:11,350
Yes. I'd like that.
1351
01:43:11,470 --> 01:43:13,460
Okay.
1352
01:43:13,540 --> 01:43:16,500
Were you ...?
It looked like you were going in.
1353
01:43:16,570 --> 01:43:20,410
I was just... It doesn't matter.
1354
01:43:20,530 --> 01:43:22,450
It was nothing.
1355
01:43:22,560 --> 01:43:24,640
Let's go.