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♪ Girls can tell
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♪ Girls can tell if things are right ♪
♪ When they kiss a boy goodnight ♪
♪ And I can tell ♪
Look, you know that I get you.
The laziness, the attitude, the weird sense of humor.
That stuff doesn't bother me. Actually helps break up my day.
Thank you.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're getting complaints again.
You're infuriating customers.
Okay, but you're the boss,
and you just said that you get me,
so that's all that matters, we're good.
June, you understand you're not a pharmacist.
You can't prescribe medication.
I kind of understand.
You know how you told Mrs. Coraci
she needed to be on Zoloft the other day?
Yeah.
She came in for a colonoscopy prep.
Yeah, and she was way too stressed out about it.
We had a nice conversation. I helped her.
Did you know that she runs sales at Affy Tapple?
The one in the mall?
People just want to get their medicine in peace
and not get judged by June the Almighty.
Okay, okay. You're the boss. Whatever you need, you got it.
Thank you.
Start with her.
Hello, customer. How may I help you?
Which one of these is the most reliable?
Well, it depends. Do you want to be pregnant?
Or do you want it to be not pregnant?
Why does that matter?
Well, teenagers usually get Blue Morning,
and couples usually get First Response.
I just want to know if I'm pregnant.
Well, just do Blue Morning.
♪ Darling, darlin'
♪ I'm falling, oh
♪ I'm your man
♪ Guess I've been taking a lot from you ♪
♪ Oh, oh
♪ Searching so long
♪ For the truth
♪ Oh, oh
♪ You hoped that girl would
♪ Chase you out the door
♪ As you think that it's already too late ♪
♪ Searching for meaning in a combination of notes ♪
♪ Don't overthink it, don't overthink it ♪
♪ Tired to wake so early
♪ Get up in the morning
♪ It just hurts
♪ And I think of all of those ♪
♪ Little things that you and I ♪
♪ Can do
♪ And now I've taken too many hits ♪
♪ Oh, I'm breaking off with all that stuff ♪
♪ "Anybody else wants some?"
♪ That's no good reason ♪
♪ I broke up with Edison
♪ I've had enough
♪ Oh
♪ Shy
♪ And fast times in the park
I'm home!
The assailant's identities are sill unknown,
however, as they were able
to disable the security camera.
I said I'm home. I had sex with an alien.
Finally.
Shut up, you little twerp.
Long day at work. You must be starving.
Work was boring,
and I understand you're insinuating that I'm starving
because I'm a fat toad who can't stop eating.
Oh, no, that's not, um... I'll fix you a plate.
It doesn't really look healthy.
-I'll fix you a small plate. -Okay.
Don't sleep on mom's cooking. This shit is bomb as fuck.
I'm glad you think gluten is bomb. I personally don't.
Okay, well, like, you don't know anything
about anything, so.
Stop touching yourself, pervert.
Oh, keep talking, keep talking.
Ew! Ew! Shut up.
Clean that up, please.
Oh, um. I'm sorry mom. Thank you, Mom
I love you, Mom. You are the best mom.
Thank you, Jonathan.
So what's wrong with gluten all of a sudden?
I'm allergic to it.
Since when?
Mm, probably since I was born.
You guys have actually been poisoning me up until now.
-She got that test. -What test? With who?
-With Dr. Weisman. -Weisman?
I told you Dr. Weisman gave her the allergy test.
Yeah, Dad, this was, like, six months ago.
Three months before my neck tingling thing
and a couple of weeks after my arm tingling thing.
Sweetie, if you're so allergic to gluten,
then why are you eating cheeseburgers all the time?
And how about that cupcake
that you've got locked up in your bedroom?
What you're doing right now
is legally considered body shaming.
You're creating neural pathways in my brain
that basically guarantee the rest of my life
is ruined forever.
I'm gonna break into your cupcake safe.
No, you're not. You don't know the combination.
Only me and mom know. Right, Mom?
I haven't told anyone.
Yeah, well, I'm actually gonna break into it
and wipe it on my ass and put it back in.
And you're not even going to know that I did it, so.
Well, I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face.
Stop it.
There's nothing wrong with gluten.
Yes, there is. It's bad.
There are no bad foods.
Yep. Burgers are bomb.
Especially from Freddy's.
Oh, my God, Mom, he's trolling me right now.
-What did he say? -No, no, no, he's right.
We're not allowed to go to Freddy's
just because you're triggered.
That's not fair. Freddy's is my favorite burger.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, Freddy's is perf.
I'm gonna be up in that ho mañana.
-Mom. -No, no, no, no.
You realize that this is still a free country, right?
And it's not a monarchy.
And this is not Queen June's private castle.
Just go to a different location.
Why do you have to go to that one?
Because it's around the corner.
What? I'm supposed to go all the way to the one across town
just because Davey dumped you?
Arnold!
Well, well, what's the big deal?
You'll meet someone else. You're a growing girl.
What is that supposed to mean?
Okay, okay. There are no bad foods.
And we are not talking about Freddy's or Davey at the table.
Okay, well, Davey was a dope as fuck.
That guy was a pimp.
He's talking about sex trafficking at the dinner table.
And if we're going to dissect all of my relationships,
then we need to go around the table,
starting with dad's weird gambling problem.
For your information, young lady, it's not a problem.
It's a hobby pursued by rich people,
famous people, and also me.
Okay, well, I've never been arrested for one of my hobbies.
Morning, guys.
Uh, I slept okay. Yeah, I mean, I'm tired.
Oh, my God, you guys are the best. I love you.
What? Because I don't sleep in my makeup.
Ew. You're blocked.
Uh, did I dream about Davey again?
Well, let's see in the past 600 "Wake Up With June" streams,
when have I not?
When did the dreams start?
I would say since we broke up.
Well, yeah, of course it means something.
I don't know. Maybe pancakes.
♪ Boyz are bad, boyz are bad, boyz are bad ♪
This is one of his favorite songs. Yeah.
Remember, you can listen to the full Davey playlist
on my Spotify, link in bio.
♪ That's the danger
I brought you some hot chocolate.
Mom, you're interrupting my stream.
This is really embarrassing.
Are you getting any followers with this?
Mom, that's so embarrassing.
I don't want them to know I care about followers, okay?
And no, I don't want hot chocolate right now.
Okay, fine, fine. I'll give it to Jonathan.
Wait. I'll take it, I want it. Thank you.
June.
Are you going to work today or not?
I don't know, maybe. Stop interrogating me.
Hi, June Squad.
Uh, my daughter needs to go to work right now
because she's saving up to get her own place someday.
That will be in years from now.
And, Mom, I really don't need
you addressing my squad like that.
But I gave birth to you.
I mean, there wouldn't be a squad without me.
Oh, my God, why are moms obsessed with birth?
Uh...um, Bill called on the landline, June, please.
Okay. Don't use people's real names while I'm streaming.
I don't care.
I don't want him to get doxxed.
Okay, bye, June Squad.
Oh, well, thank you, JackWolf43.
Okay, okay. You're done. Mom, you're done. Please go.
-Stop reading the comments. -Bye!
You're done.
So annoying.
What? Ew! No, you can't have a three-way with us.
Blocked. Ugh!
♪ Moving at the speed of light, light on my feet ♪
♪ Bitches act like gettin' sneaked the typa bitch I be ♪
♪ My history not a mystery, got 'em missin' me ♪
♪ A thousand look like a centipede, like infinity ♪
-Ooh! -Ow! Ow! Ow!
I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Yeah, I'll be fine. Sorry.
I was just dealing with this annoying lady on eBay.
I'm trying to sell her a frickin' platypus Beanie Baby,
and she's having all these problems.
The hustle never ends.
Yeah, I know, yeah, no, it doesn't.
Uh, did you find everything you need?
Oh. Uh, yeah. Why, you work here or something?
I do. I'm June, at your service.
Oh, uh, Owen. Pleasure to be serviced by you.
Sorry, that sounded weird.
Uh, it's nice to meet you, June.
-Oh. -Got to go.
Bye, Owen.
♪ Be something beautiful ♪
♪ And this diamond ring
Yeah, I was talking to a pretty enthusiastic girl.
Yeah, I got the stuff.
♪ Won't have to break like mine did ♪
Oh, my God, did you ring up that cute guy?
Yeah. June, he's obviously too tall for you.
Pantyhose, gloves, three Twix bars.
Fucking marry me.
Hello, sir.
Got your samples.
-June, can you sign, please? -Yeah.
♪ This diamond ring can be dreams that are coming true ♪
These like super drugs or something?
VD meds, like gold to some people.
Yeah, I bet.
I don't suppose you're looking for a reason
to need these meds.
Are you hitting on me
and saying you're going to give me an STD?
Mm-hmm.
Damn, you're nasty.
So sorry, sir. She was just kidding.
Are you trying to get me sued?
I need a coffee break.
You haven't even clocked in yet!
I haven't been getting paid for any of this?
Ugh!
♪ Hit the pop rocks, hit the pop rock ♪
♪ Hit the pop rock, hit the pop, run it, run it ♪
Give me a double macchiato.
♪ Yes, I'm a knockout
♪ I bring fire when a Pop-Tart pop out ♪
♪ Born from a volcano
♪ I Drain Gang like a
Oh, my God, it's really easy.
I've tested so many times in the last six months.
I just keep Quests on my home page.
That's great. Sounds like you have really bad allergies.
Well, technically not yet because they've all come back
negative, but I keep trying.
Okay, um, can we get back to my son's prescription, please?
Oh.
All right. This looks like you. Um, twice a day with food.
What a cute TikTok bio.
Thanks. Um, now, are there any side effects
I should know about?
My little Anthony here has a very sensitive tum tum.
Mommy, I need to go poo poo.
That's his fifth time going poo poo today.
Any chance you guys could keep conversations
like that in private?
Some of us lean more towards constipation,
and it can be really triggering.
What is up with your generation and being triggered?
Don't ever have kids then. God forbid.
Do I look pregnant?
Yeah, you look bloated.
She's weird. Come on.
♪ Oh, girl
♪ There's nothing I'd rather do ♪
♪ Than spend some time
♪ And know you're mine
♪ On a summer's day with you
Davey!
You gotta stop.
What?
You have got to stop.
Stop what?
Stalking me online.
I thought that blocking you
and unfriending you would send a message.
But you keep making these burner profiles.
What? No, those aren't me.
Who else would be June Loves Boba?
Okay, that one's me.
Um, but I just like to keep in touch with everybody.
You know, it's not personal.
How was the Grand Canyon, by the way?
Seems like you guys really lucked out with the weather.
June, we broke up two years ago.
Okay, who's counting?
What? Did your girlfriend put you up to this?
I'm sorry that she's still so threatened by me.
No, no. My fiancée, Kelly, did not put me up to this.
You know, you say that word like it's supposed
to bother me--fiancée--
but it really just rolls right off me.
Then why are you always in the parking lot at Freddy's?
You're spying on me!
Do you really think that I can't recognize you?
Those disguises don't work. You look ridiculous.
Oh, my God, what's ridiculous about a ski mask?
We live in a cold city.
Don't make me come back here.
I'll get another restraining order.
That's fine. Okay.
I'll see you in court, and I'll wear a cute dress.
Stay away from me, and I can see you, Bill.
Hey, Davey.
He's in a really weird mood today.
Mom, I said I would do it tomorrow.
No, you need to do it today.
Why? Why do I even ever need to do it?
It's my room. I'm the one who lives in here.
No one needs to come in.
For the love of God, June, I'm only asking you
to clean one room in this house, your bedroom.
Do I need to call Dr. Weisman
to get a recommendation for a therapist?
Um, how many tacos do you think
the average person eats in one sitting?
-Why? -I think my stomach hurts.
If you weren't so sedentary,
you could eat all the tacos you want.
You'll burn calories cleaning your room.
You're a piglet.
You need to get over it and go to the gym.
Dad!
You never even used that free two week trial that I got you.
And I went out on a limb to get it.
Oh, my God, all you did was walk inside and grab
a coupon off a counter. Anyone can get one of those.
Excuse me. You know how hard that is for me?
I don't like going places.
Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink.
Shut up, Jonathan!
You troll!
♪ Put me down after you have your way with me ♪
♪ I wanna be your toy ♪
♪ Pick me up when you wanna play with me ♪
♪ I wanna be your toy
♪ I need your touch to come alive ♪
June, I need your undivided attention.
I need to ask you something important.
What?
Have you noticed anything strange about Jonathan?
Mom, why would I notice anything about Jonathan?
Well, I can't exactly put my finger on it,
but he's on the computer all night long.
And I think he's having sex.
With the computer? What?
You know, you never worry about me this way.
You're always so worried about Jonathan.
Like, I don't worry about you and the way that you live.
I mean, look at this. It's like a--like a cyclone
hit this.
This is bad.
What, is that smell not normal?
Well, my boob sweat doesn't smell.
But my mother's did, and my sister's did.
So... But don't worry about it.
You're fine. It's--it's--it's normal.
Okay.
Are you going like that?
What? For what?
The appointment, June.
The appointment you've known about for two weeks.
No!
No, no.
Hi, guys.
So it's kind of a long-standing tradition of mine
to get a hot dog before I see the doctor.
I'm half Jewish, half regular,
so I think traditions are very important.
That's a June law.
Oh, yeah, that's Dr. Weisman's office.
Yeah. Thank you. I don't know why we're going.
My mom's making me.
Hi, June Squad. June has an appointment today.
Just a checkup. Nothing serious. With Dr. Weisman.
Dr. Weisman has been serving our community for some time now.
-Mom, Mom, that's enough. -He's a wonderful professional.
Mom, can you go make sure they're giving me
both kinds of relish?
No, I don't have an STD.
That's not why I'm here.
You are blocked.
Knock, knock.
Oh. Sorry to interrupt.
Oh. It's fine.
Go ahead. Finish the photo shoot.
I got what I needed. I'm good.
Oh, yeah?
So you just, uh,
put all that stuff out there for public consumption, huh?
Of course I do. Vulnerability is really big right now.
Oh. Is that what it's called?
Well, I bet you deal with a lot of perverts, huh?
Wouldn't you like to know?
So, has any of this Internet stuff helped you
catch a new boyfriend yet?
Uh, I have a lot of options,
but I'd rather not talk about it with you, Dr. Weisman.
Odd place to draw the line, but okay.
Let's get this over with, shall we?
All right, do me a favor. Okay?
Take a nice big inhale for me.
Let it out.
Okay?
Do you like trains, Dr. Weisman?
Sorry?
I just find myself loving trains lately.
And routines, schedules, different models.
It's probably unrelated, but I notice I'm struggling
-picking up on social cues. -June, June.
You've been trying this bullshit for over 20 years.
Okay? I'm not going to diagnose you as on the spectrum.
Fine. I am going to diagnose you as an incel.
All right, let's cut to the chase.
Are you still constipated?
Have you stopped eating all those peanut butter cups?
My God, why are you obsessed with my bowel movements?
I'm not obsessed with your bowel movements.
I'm doing my job.
Do I need to ask your mother if she needs to come and join us?
I don't know, do you need to?
I'm asking you.
Wait. Why does everyone want to have sex with my mom?
I don't wanna have sex with your mom.
-Why are you so defensive? -I'm not defensive.
If you were going to give me
a consultation for plastic surgery...
That's not what I do here.
But just, if you were,
what do you think you would do to my face to make it better?
As far as what?
Just being hotter, prettier.
I'd probably start with your mouth.
Like lip filler?
No, I would sew that sucker shut.
I heard your wife is having an affair.
Well, that was embarrassing.
Oh, my God, who cares? Dr. Weisman is a loser.
You know if he was a good doctor,
he'd be in a documentary by now.
But no one wants his opinion on anything.
We were very lucky to get another appointment with him.
He reviewed your records, June.
Why do I have to have another appointment?
Didn't he tell you?
He says you're about 14 years overdue for an HPV vaccine.
I bet he did.
He only wants me to get it because he's in love with me
and wants to make sure I don't have HPV
by the time he's divorced.
Sorry, bro, but statistically, I will have it by then.
Is he getting divorced really?
Yeah, he said he's getting divorced
because he can't stop thinking about me at night.
If you don't go up and ask her, I'm gonna do it for you.
-No, don't do that. -No, I really am.
I've got it under control. I'm doing everything right.
It's gonna happen when it happens.
No, come on, do it.
Why do you keep doing this?
You've been working here for so long, and you deserve it.
I know how these things are done, and that's not the way
to go about it, okay?
Oh, my God, you said you blocked her number.
I did block her. I fucking swear to God.
She knows, like, phone magic.
You know what? Answer it. Come on, answer it.
Hello, June.
Hey.
Why are you calling me?
We just went over this.
I don't know. I guess I'm just following up.
Uh, what's up with you?
I'm eating dinner with Kelly, my fiancée.
Ugh, yucky.
You're on speaker phone. She can hear you.
-What?! -Hello, June.
You need to take me off speakerphone right now.
I can't do that. June.
Look, we went over this. I'm sorry, I got to go.
No, no, no. I can explain.
It's just, I can't do it while she's listening to it.
Ugh!
Dave.
What the fuck?
Kelly. I'm sorry.
No.
Your temper, like, come on. It's--
-What the fuck? -Will you just like--
Hey, how about this? How about this?
-No. -Come on, have one of these.
You love these? Come on.
-You always feel better-- -No!
...with onion rings.
Are you guys gonna get this guy?
Or are you gonna keep asking me questions?
So you're not aware of anyone who may have motive to do this?
Uh, motive to steal drugs and money?
That's half the people in this town.
Maybe someone targeting you specifically.
Do you have anyone you'd consider,
I don't know, an enemy?
No, no, no, I don't have any enemies.
I'm not a super hero. Everyone likes me.
You want to know the truth?
You're coming off pretty unlikable to me.
-I am? -Isn't that right, Piazzo?
-Not a good vibe, is it? -Not a good vibe at all.
That's how it works now? The police go by vibes?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. What the hell happened in here?
Bill, I can't clean any of this up.
You don't have to.
-Who are you? -Who am I? I run this place.
No, she doesn't. She just works here.
What's your name?
@ForeverJune on everything except Snap, @JuneForever.
No, honey. Your real life actual name.
Oh, June. June Fine.
-You're writing that down? -Mm-hmm.
Why? He just told you I work here.
That's why. So what is it that you do here, Miss Fine?
I provide a memorable, world class customer experience.
And what does that mean exactly?
She runs a register and talks about 30 percent too much.
Why would someone do this?
Ew.
We're going to need to catalog the remainder of your inventory
and determine what's been taken.
You deserve better.
Also, I'm going to need to talk to you
and June down at the station.
Why? Why me?
-You can drive her. -Why?
No!
I'll play you for it.
Huh?
What is wrong with people?
-Not fucking up my car. -Not the Neapolitans!
Those are hard to find.
You're enjoying those suckers, huh?
Did you want one?
No.
Honestly, that's your loss.
With oat milk, Your Highness.
Wait. What brand oat milk?
Drink the fucking coffee.
That's the brand.
Okay, I have to say,
normally when I see these rooms on TV, they look so scary.
But now that I'm in here, it is such a vibe, like it's a mood.
I love how I look in this mirror.
No one cares.
I need you to start answering questions, June. Okay?
There were a lot of controlled substances
taken from that pharmacy.
This is very serious.
I understand, and now that I'm caffeinated
and had my snack, I am totally down.
What do you guys want to know?
Where were you last night?
Home with my family, obviously.
Why is that obvious?
Because I don't go out at night
because I get a stomach ache after I have dinner,
and my car can't be on the road more than three miles a day.
Can your parents corroborate that?
Yeah, my mom can for the food stomach ache part,
and my dad for the car part.
I'm just gonna come right out and ask it.
No, I will not go out with you.
I'm kidding. Unless you were.
Miss Fine, did you have anything to do
with the break-in at the pharmacy?
What? Are you joking?
You'd know if I was joking.
He's hilarious.
I do Comedy Sports every other Tuesday.
-Mm-hmm. -I would never do anything
to destroy thousands of dollars worth of ice cream like that.
What's the nature of your relationship
with Davey Woodbridge?
Um, uh, he's a friend.
-A friend? -An ex-boyfriend.
Excuse me. Speak up.
He's a friend, an ex-boyfriend,
which is famously a type of friend.
Really? Because my friends usually don't go to a judge
and get a restraining order against me.
-Mm. -Oh, my God, I know who did it.
What a way to get me back.
Whom are you referring to, Miss Fine?
It is just a theory at this point, but, guys, it was Davey.
He robbed the pharmacy to neg me.
He's the only person who knows how much I love that ice cream.
We already spoke to Mr. Woodbridge.
He has an alibi. He was with his fiancée all night long.
Well, maybe I should bring him in.
Which one of you can deputize me?
Look, June, I don't know what your involvement in this robbery
was, if any.
But I really do have to tell you,
I am not liking your attitude, and I am definitely not liking
what I'm seeing in here or in there.
Well, last I checked, it's not a crime
to have a bad personality.
That's a good thing for you.
Because you'd have a life sentence.
I'm saying that overtime should be a tie, shouldn't it?
I am so mad right now.
No, I'm saying that it should be a push.
Then I'll take the parlay.
Hello? I just said I'm so mad right now.
What's wrong, darling?
The pharmacy got robbed, and the police questioned me.
Like in a bad way.
-Really? -The pharmacy got robbed.
What happened?
All the ice cream melted.
-Aw. -It was awful.
-How's Bill? -He's fine. Who cares?
But the police are acting like I had something to do with it.
-Did you? -No. Obviously not.
Maybe it's not obvious to them.
Mom, I don't have time to argue with you.
Not after what happened to the ice cream.
Okay, I'll take the six and a half.
Thank you.
Wow. Glad to know that you can't be bothered
when you're on the phone with your precious bookie,
even though your daughter just got interrogated by the police.
The good news is that I was down,
but I clawed my way back from the dead.
Jesus. The Bulls suck. Rookie of the year, my ass.
That kid doesn't do shit to elevate his teammates.
That's what Michael Jordan did, elevated his teammates.
That's what this little lovebug does.
Elevates her teammates.
Come on, baby.
It's almost over.
God, you guys set such a confusing example.
I don't think so.
Sweet pea, you got broken into. Big deal.
Bill isn't going to use this as an excuse
to not give you a raise though, is he?
Because, you know, if you're going to continue living here,
you really should start contributing.
Oh, my God, after everything I just went through?
Hey, I've been questioned by the police a million times.
Come on.
Ooh. Come on now.
Where are you guys?
I'm carrying this team on my goddamn back.
I can't find my Nalgene. Did you take it?
I can't pause this. I'm online.
Dude, where's my Nalgene?
What would I want to do with your stupid fucking water bottle
that has your stinky ass breath all over it?
And nasty...
Maybe I left it at the pharmacy.
Wait, is that-- Is that what you guys
were yelling about downstairs?
Are you, like, getting locked up?
Why? What did you hear?
Uh, I don't know. Your shit got robbed.
You got detained.
The cops don't fucking know shit because they're fucking stupid.
ACAB. Blah, blah, blah, blah, you know?
Yeah, I am well aware it's going to be up to me
to solve this case.
And I have my suspicions about who did it.
Uh, like, who?
Are you kidding me?
Probably someone trying to frame me.
There is no shortage of people in this town
who would love to see me hang for this.
Oh, yeah. I mean, you got a beef with like everybody.
Oh, don't worry, I'll be casting a wide net.
As far as I'm concerned, every single person in this town
is guilty until proven innocent.
Bad! Okay, well, that sounds super fucking boring.
So if you could, like, leave me alone, please.
Make me.
Ew! Ugh!
God! Disgusting!
Oh, yeah. Come on now.
Ooh-whee.
My little June.
Will you marry me?
Yes, Davey. Yes.
Yes.
Davey, Davey.
Davey, Davey, Davey, Davey...
Why did you marry dad?
Oh, why? We were in love.
-Are you still in love? -Sure we are.
I know he's still in love with you. He's a sad old man.
But are you still in love with him?
Did you have another dream about Davey last night?
No.
You know, you don't always have to make this
about me and your father.
I just want to know how I'm going to turn out.
And you and dad are the only roadmap I have.
June, Davey was your first love.
You will always remember your first love.
But this is getting ridiculous. There's so many fish in the sea.
But fish are scary. Especially the ones in the sea.
Okay, June, you got this.
At the very least, you'll get a free frosty Freddy out of it.
♪ I'm always losing, I'm always losing ♪
♪ I'm always losing, and my self-esteem so low ♪
♪ You got a new friend, you got a new friend ♪
♪ And I heard he's better looking than most ♪
Hi. Welcome to Freddy's Spaceships.
What can I get for you today?
Smells like you guys need to change your oil.
Yeah, we can check on that.
Would you like to place an order?
You don't know who I am?
That's okay. You must be new here. What is your name?
-Randy. -Hi, Randy. I'm June.
I used to work here.
Cool.
Are you gonna order something?
Yeah, I will take a double cheeseburger with ketchup
and mustard instead.
Uh, individual, or would you like the meal?
I'll take the meal. And, yes, upgrade me to the Frosty Freddy.
And yes, the extra $1.79 charge is just fine.
Also, can you tell me where the manager is?
-The owner? -No. Not her.
Uh, the manager. Really cute guy named Davey.
Is something unsatisfactory here, ma'am?
I told you, my name is June.
I used to work here, and I had the highest level of clearance.
Where's Davey?
I haven't seen him today.
That's weird because right here, I have the schedule.
Yep. It says he's on for today.
He picked up a different shift.
Must be with his wife or something.
Fiancée.
Yeah, they're not married.
Kind of makes you ask yourself why not? Right?
Could you find out where he might have gone?
Hey, there's some girl here who wants to know where Davey is.
My name is June.
Her name's June.
Well, well, well.
Look what crawled out of a rat's ass.
Hi there, Nicole.
-You still owe me $200. -I do?
Don't play like you don't know.
Remember the day I fired you? Do you recall now?
Vaguely.
You stole all the ice cream!
You told me I could take some home.
Did your frozen ass brain really think
I meant 15 gallons worth?
Where you even put it all at?
You never specified an amount.
I took home some ice cream.
Hm.
I heard the pharmacy got robbed.
It did.
Well, maybe Bill know the type of people
he got around him now.
What? If you steal from me, why wouldn't you steal from him?
I would never do anything to hurt Bill.
Now, where's Davey?
You don't get it, do you, little girl?
You got dumped. He don't want you no more.
And Jesus, you still live at home with your mama.
Why would an attractive guy like Davey
even want somebody like you?
I don't know if you know this, but his girlfriend
is hot as hell.
What? Your little tummy hurt
from all the cupcakes you've been eating?
Your mommy and daddy can't help you with your problems?
I got the double cheeseburger, no sauce,
and the Frosty Freddy.
Change your damn oil.
Oh, really? Hey, be sure to give Bill my blessings.
Did she pay?
Of course not. Little bitch.
Perfect timing. We just started dinner.
That's okay, I already ate.
Well, I'll make you a plate.
Mom, I need to tell you something. It's important.
Don't worry. I know how to hide your plate.
Trust me. Your father will never find it.
If I do find it, I'm going to sprinkle gluten
all over it. Look out!
Yeah, Daddy don't want your damn plate.
Mom, I think I've realized that life is short,
and I think I'm going to start doing some investigatory work.
And I also think that maybe I'm going to move out.
That's great. June's moving out!
-Really?! -Yes!
-Whoo! -Yeah!
I said I think I'm going to move out.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Never mind. She's just thinking about it.
Oh.
Your plate will be under the bathroom sink.
Thank you.
Yes.
Is that a fingerprint?
You must be really bored.
Huh? What are you doing here
at the scene of the crime, after hours?
I own this place. What are you doing here?
Right, well, I'm collecting evidence.
Okay? So you're welcome.
I didn't know you cared about this place so much.
That's nice.
It's just Davey is such an asshole.
Oh, it's about Davey. That makes more sense. Mm.
Like, why wouldn't we be together, you know?
We were so comfortable.
Life's not always about being comfortable.
It should be. I fucking love being comfortable.
What I'm saying is sometimes we have to put ourselves
out there and take a risk. That's all.
I'm risk averse. That's not for me.
Channel all this Davey energy into finding someone new.
Have the cops called? Do they have any suspects yet?
No, no, but I feel like I'm one of their top suspects,
which is bullshit.
How did that happen?
They asked me how much money I make,
and I told them that Cindy and I were saving up for a new house.
And then they insinuated
that it's a big scam for a big payout.
I knew those detectives were useless.
I bet they're on the take, whatever that means.
Now the insurance company won't cover anything
until I'm cleared in the investigation.
That is Jack and Rose level unfair.
Hey, does your dad still gamble?
Ugh, so embarrassing of you to ask, but yes. Why?
Can you, uh, hook me up with his bookie?
Dude, you do not want to go down that road.
In fact, stay off all roads my dad's on.
Cindy really wants that house.
Maybe I can make some extra cash by betting.
No, no, no, no, Cindy would not want that.
I'm not gonna tell her.
I wonder if my dad lies to my mom.
He definitely does.
If you really want to be part of that world,
there's that bar on Friar Street.
It's where all the old miserable men hang out.
I don't know if my immune system
is strong enough to go in there.
It's probably not. Ooh!
Oh, my God. What if one of those losers knows something?
Which losers? Knows something about what?
About the robbery. Isn't that what criminals do?
They sit around and play pool and drink beer
and talk about their crimes?
You watch too many movies.
Let's go.
-Right now? -I'm serious.
Let's go right now.
We could have sold those.
Is everything about money with you, Mr. Krabs?
We need energy. Let's go.
All right, let me do all the talking.
As if anyone could stop that from happening.
Hello, sir. We'd like to come in.
Y'all together?
-Yeah. -What does it look like?
Hm.
A nightmare.
Go ahead, man.
Well, don't you want to see our IDs?
Nah. I'm good. Go ahead.
Well, what if I'm not 21?
Oh. You are.
You are definitely 21. Plus.
Go on inside.
I don't think you're very good at your job.
Go, June.
I'm sorry, dawg.
Just--I know.
Very kind of you.
♪ You've been making your brags around town ♪
♪ That you've been a loving my man ♪
It's so loud.
It smells weird in here.
♪ When he picks up trash
♪ He puts it in a garbage can
Where are you going?
♪ And that's what you look like to me and what I see ♪
Yes.
♪ You better close your face and stay out of the way ♪
Hey, is there like a scooper or a popcorn attendant?
Hey, mama. Popcorn is for players.
Well, whose stupid rule is that?
Technically not on the books, but unofficial house policy.
Is this your house?
No, this is not my house.
By the way, baby doll. My name is Crawford.
Okay, Crawford, if it's not your house,
then I guess I have to ask,
who made you lord of the popcorn?
You wanna come over here? I'll, uh, give you a lesson.
Ew.
Ugh.
-Jesus. -I tried to be sanitary.
No, you didn't.
♪ You'll bite off more than you can chew ♪
♪ If you get too cute or witty
♪ You better move your feet if you don't wanna eat ♪
♪ A meal that's called Fist City ♪
What'll it be?
Oh, uh, do you guys have Pacific Barista Blend oat milk?
If it's not up there, then we don't got it.
I'm good with popcorn. Thanks.
No you're not.
If you sit at the bar, you have to order a drink.
What? Why are there so many rules in this place?
I feel like I'm back in school.
Most of the men at this bar right now
can't go within 500 feet of a school.
Now, what'll it be?
Um, I've actually never ordered at a bar before.
Good God. Okay. How about a Shirley Temple?
Yes. Oh, my God, I used to drink those at all
the bar and bat mitzvahs.
Generously grenadine'd please.
♪ Once in a while when I'm dreaming ♪
Hello, amigo.
What are you guys playing?
Darts.
-Ah. -Playin' darts.
I like your mustache. Look, I got the same.
We're the same.
♪ I won't be alone, and I know I'll never be blue ♪
Happy now, sweetheart?
It's actually so good. Thank you.
Good. I'm so happy that you're happy.
Any chance you want to help me out a little more?
No, not really.
Who's the guy all the degenerate loser dads
come in here and place their bets with?
No clue what you're talking about right now.
Let's try this. Have you seen a guy come in here who's older,
looks kind of like me, angry all the time?
You actually look like a lot of guys
-I've seen in here. -Right. Okay.
Well, one of those misfits is probably my dad.
And just to give you a little back story,
he never taught me how to ride a bike.
I have a feeling there's a lot of things
your dad didn't teach you.
You're right. Oh, my God. Okay, so now you get me. Yeah.
He didn't teach me how to swim. There's a lot.
But is there anything you can tell me about my dad
that I might not already know?
Look, did you hit your head or something on the way in here?
What?
Shirley Temple's on the house. Don't worry about it.
But I have to go tend to my regulars now.
And I suggest that whatever daddy issues you have,
you deal with with a therapist and not a bartender.
♪ Dream my life away after ♪
Awkward.
♪ If I still
All right, Crawford, you're up next.
Hey there, Crawford.
Thought maybe we could have a little chit chat.
Hey, baby boo, did you come over here
to get some more of your corn pop?
Always.
Seriously, what do you want? We got money on this game.
Well, that is really good news to me,
because that means you are the exact type of dudes
I'm looking to chat with.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, you're participating in illegal gambling, so, you know,
you know stuff about criminality.
Hey, keep your voice down.
I'm looking for information about a robbery.
See that gu--
And Bill's asleep.
Anyways, he happens to own a pharmacy
that got knocked off the other night.
Pharmacy?
Crawford, it's your shot.
And can we get this rat terrier out of here?
I'll have you know that everyone in my life agrees,
if I were a dog, I'd be a King Charles Cavalier.
So nice try. But you embarrassed yourself.
And also, sir, how long have you been an unemployed criminal?
Why are you recording this?
I do have a modest amount of followers,
but they have a lot of time on their hands.
Crawford, come on.
Hey, hey, come on. Take it easy.
I'll tell you what you want.
What do you got?
Yeah, I heard about a few break-ins at some places,
but I don't know anything about who did it.
And I support pharmacies. I'm pro drug.
Yeah, I can tell by those pupils.
This is because of my anxiety, okay?
If you're going to post that, don't tag me.
My account's already been suspended
twice for misinformation.
That's the least surprising thing I've heard all day.
Look, I don't plan to post it,
but if I don't get what I need, I certainly will.
All right. You didn't hear it here, okay?
Might want to talk to that girl across the street.
What girl?
At the weed store. She works the cash register.
I really don't love weed.
Or that you're passing me off to someone else.
But you're lucky.
I relate very well to girls who work at cash registers.
So we're good?
We're amazing.
Oh, since we're good, maybe, uh, give me a follow on Insta.
That's really embarrassing.
So I eat the whole bar, thinking it's just like
a Girl Scout candy bar or some shit.
And that was the mushroom chocolate.
So I was tripping B-A-L-L-S. Balls.
Damn. All I do is smoke weed all day.
Yo, stop with this fucking conversation.
Jenny, it's a weed store.
Stupid conversation is par for the course.
Ugh, God, it smells in here, too.
What's up? Welcome to Puffers.
Interested in any of our pre-rolls?
Pre-rolls? Is that like a buttered cinnamon thing?
We don't have cinnamon,
but we do have blueberry and sour apple.
Can I ask you, do you feel safe here?
Yeah. They cool. That's Gary, the owner.
-Okay. -What's up? What you need?
Um, I'm looking for someone or something.
We got flower, oil, edibles.
Oh, no, actually, uh, this guy across the street told me
you might be the right person to get the hot gossip from.
Which dumbass told you that?
I'll never reveal my sources. But it was Crawford.
Of course he did.
And he begged you to follow him, too, right?
He did. It was cringe.
Wait. Who are you?
Sorry. Hi. I'm June.
It's really nice to meet you.
June, what's up? I'm Jenny.
So, Jenny, do you know
anything about a pharmacy robbery here in town?
And I'm cool. I'm not like the cops.
I don't know about cool, but you shady. I fuck with it.
Y'all heard anything about a pharmacy getting robbed?
I don't watch the news.
All I'll do is smoke weed.
Now, when you say pharmacy, do you mean dispensary?
Because in Europe, they actually call dispensaries pharmacies.
We are not in France!
What the hell that got to do with anything?
I can't keep up with this conversation.
I do love baguettes and French onion soup, but--
Well, we can go even deeper and
talk about how back in the day,
pharmacies stateside used to be called drug stores.
And now there are stores where you can buy drugs.
Oh, yo, it's a pull. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck!
-Fuck, fuck! -Get on the ground!
-Fuckin' move! -Take it, take it, take it.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Oh! Ha-ha.
I just want to say that I didn't smoke any marijuana,
but I saw him do it. Please arrest him.
You think we're fucking cops?!
We're the opposite of cops! Robbers!
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
You see these? If I break them, I'm gonna break yo ass.
Yeah, cut her some slack.
She gets so clumsy with those things.
Dude, she's not gonna bang you anytime soon.
You don't know, man. People kind of bond
over shared trauma.
Not this motherfucking time!
Just keep putting the money in the bag.
-Weed. -Whoa! What'd you say?
I said weed, bro. That's all I do.
That's all I give a fuck about. You got a problem?
Whoa, whoa! What's with this guy?
Don't shoot him. There's something wrong with him.
-Yeah. Weed. -No, no, Gary's actually, like,
mad smart.
This dude invents stuff all the time.
-What? -Yeah, he made this thing
called the weed whacker.
You could, like, smoke out of it.
It was a bong meets a Fleshlight.
You can light it, and then you can ride it.
-Ugh. -Puff, puff, smash.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shark Dank.
This is taking way too long. Come on, let's go.
Here! Damn!
Wait a second. I know you.
Owen?
Oh, shit. June?
Oh, my God, you remember my name?
You fucking know her?!
It's a long story.
-Plot twist. -I knew this bitch was shady.
Yeah. We gotta take her with us.
Shit! She's--Yeah. You got to come with us.
I'm sorry, I can't.
I have a plate at home waiting under the sink for me.
Plate's got to wait. Let's go, let's go.
-Don't fucking move! -Whoa, whoa. No hero.
Thank you. Thank you so much. We are very, very sorry.
This is all we know.
You are so fucking useless. You know that?
This is the third time this week!
When are you going to fire him?
Weed.
Thursday.
Come on.
What do you mean it's a long story?
It's a long story.
Are you on apps again?
No, and I would never tell you that.
I was about to go live.
Yeah, that's why I took it off you.
-Okay, but where are we going? -For a little drive.
Well, my friend Bill, he's across the street still.
He'll be fine. Get in.
Whoa! This is a cool car.
You know, I really need to sell my car.
Have you guys used CarMax? Ow!
-Oh, my God, get in the car. -Oh, my God.
I heard it's good.
Drive.
Yo, yo, who the fuck is this?
Hi. I'm June.
Why are you here?
It's Owen's new girlfriend, apparently.
-Max, don't start. -Oh, my God. Did he say that?
-Did you say that? -No, I didn't.
No, you recognized--She recognized me in the dispensary.
Sorry, I have this thing where whenever I see
a hot guy's hands, I never forget them.
-Wait. You know this bitch? -Just drive, JD.
Wait a second. Did you just call me a bitch?
I've been telling you, you can't use that word anymore.
-Fuck off! -Everyone shut up!
Yo, what are we supposed to do now, man?
The plan stays the same. It's not changing.
We're still going back to base.
Oh, my God, is the plan to sell me into sex slavery?
What? They're made out of buckwheat.
You think buckwheat cancels out all the maple syrup you used?
That's a stupid amount of sugar.
Sugar is related to, like, so many diseases.
You didn't know this?
Wait. Side note. Have you guys tried the popcorn
at that scary place across the street from the weed store?
They use a lot of salt, and I think they're actually
using a really good, high quality oil.
I approve.
-What is she talking about? -No, that's--that's facts.
Dante's is hella salty.
Thank you.
Just like you.
I'm just playing.
Anybody who could destroy a stack of pancakes
like that is cool with me.
June, serious note.
You're not going to rat us out, are you?
Well, if I'm being honest, at first, I was really scared.
But now, as far as I'm concerned,
you guys are just hot Uber drivers.
So you're not pissed
that we stuck a gun in your face and kidnapped you?
Why are you talking quiet? Are we all talking quiet now?
Aare--are you going to tell anyone what we did?
Oh, no. You guys saved me.
That weed store shouldn't be in business.
That guy Gary, ugh.
I believe her.
Same.
Yeah. Me too.
Yes! I'm honestly just so glad
now I know who robbed the pharmacy.
What's she talking about?
June, that was a dispensary.
Oh, my God, now you're like the annoying weed people.
It's not a pharmacy because weed comes from the ground,
so it's not really drugs, and blah, blah, blah.
See, that's that sugar high I was talking about.
Crash incoming.
June, are you talking about the pharmacy where you work?
Yeah. What?
Oh, my God, are you trying to say this is all
some sort of a coincidence?
Wait, what is a coincidence?
The pharmacy robbery, and then the weed store robbery.
That was all you guys.
-Oh. -Chill, chill.
Do you want to maybe just...
Yeah. Sorry. That was all you guys, right?
Look, if we robbed a pharmacy, we would be proud of that.
That would be a huge step up for us.
-That'd be a flex. -June, we didn't rob
the pharmacy. You know that, right?
Relax. I'm not going to turn you in for that either.
I don't care. I just need to make sure
that Bill's name is cleared
so he can get his insurance money.
Okay? Can I please have my phone now? Thank you.
-No. Definitely not. No. -We're not stupid, June.
-We're smart as fuck. -Yeah.
I just ate a plate full of food in front of three men.
I'm gonna need to check my teeth.
Let me see.
-Yeah. You're fine. -Thank you.
What the fuck is this cute shit?
How long are we gonna stay here for?
Not much longer, okay? Just relax.
What's everyone gonna get for dessert?
-Jesus Christ! -Dessert after pancakes.
This bitch got a sweet tooth on her.
-Okay. Hello, diabetes. -You just had dessert.
I'm sorry I didn't eat before I got kidnapped.
I mean, some people say a gluten free diet
is actually worse for you.
That's not true.
Home sweet home.
Yeah, make yourself comfortable.
My mom would love to tell you guys
how to clean this place and then just clean it herself.
Want a beer, June?
No, thanks. I don't drink.
Do you have a problem or something, or...?
No, I just don't drink. I've never tried alcohol.
How is that even possible?
Yeah. You weird as fuck.
Yeah. No shit. I'm weird. Okay?
I'm weird. My parents are weird. My face is misshapen.
My leg hair grows way too fast. Don't look at it right now.
And, yes, I cheated my way through school,
and I didn't really learn anything.
Now we all know each other.
I got a weird ass face, too.
True.
Guess I'll drink both of these.
Maybe you have a problem.
Count it, JD.
Okay, wait, so he just, like, tells you guys what to do,
and then you do it?
That's like a little sad, right?
I don't think it's sad. You know, because we're a crew.
We're best friends, and we each have individual jobs.
It's like, I'm the enforcer, the muscle.
I'm the muscle, too.
I just drive because I'm the only one with a license.
Yeah, and you did a great job tonight.
He was awesome.
Okay, wait. This is fun. What am I? Damsel in distress?
June, get in here, please.
Okay.
Keep counting.
Hey, do you think it's sad that we gotta count the money?
Dude, don't let her get inside your head.
Not in my head. This is my favorite part of the job.
Oh my God, are we about to have sex?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Well, you invited me into your bedroom.
This is not my bedroom at all.
No, relax. This is just a place we can lay low for a minute.
It's nothing permanent,
so it's no big deal you know about it.
I'm gonna drop you off at the next check point.
Sit down. Please. You're making me really nervous.
I bet I can guess, like, everything about you.
Oh, yeah?
I bet you played sports.
Every guy played sports.
Baseball.
Why'd you quit?
Well, do you have any idea how hard it is
to get into the big leagues?
No, I hate sports. They're boring.
Yeah. Me too.
-Really? -Yeah.
I only did it because my dad wanted me to.
And, uh, he's dead now, so...
Sorry. Uh. I don't know.
My mom and dad make me do stuff I don't want to do all the time.
God. Doing laundry, getting my hair cut, washing it.
Feeding parking meters.
Yeah, anyway, I dropped out of community college,
and everything kind of went wrong, so...
Yeah, I...I can see that.
Oh, none taken.
So, what about you? What's your story?
Oh. Uh, nothing.
I mean, I'm not out here robbing pharmacies.
Dispensaries.
I'm just like a totally cool, normal girl.
Let me guess. You're single.
I'm between relationships.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Uh, he dumped me a couple of years ago, amicably.
And now he's engaged to someone else.
Well, that's messed up.
You're definitely odd.
You seem like a nice person.
-Really? -Yeah.
That's really sweet of you to say.
It actually is so sweet,
it reminds me of my favorite candy bar, which is a Twix.
You like Twix? That's crazy.
I love Twix. They're like my favorite candy bar, too.
Oh, my God, what a coincidence.
You know, it's almost like the universe just has us
bumping into each other for some sort of reason.
Hi, baby.
So sorry I spent more than five minutes away from you.
That's okay, darling, as long as I always
have your location on my phone.
Push!
Dude, what the fuck?!
Jonathan, get out of my fantasy!
You think I wanna be in your fantasy?
This fucking sucks!
Push! Come on, June.
Push! Big push!
Ah!
Oh, my Gosh.
She's so beautiful.
Yeah, she is so beautiful.
She's not as pretty as me, though.
No, no.
-Oh. Look at you go. -Yes, come to Mommy.
Look at you go. Look at those baby steppy-steps.
♪ Happy birthday to you
-Good job! -Yay, baby!
You got all five.
-That's my baby. -We love you!
Whoo!
June, June?
You chill?
Um, I'm feeling a little faint.
Do you guys have any snacks?
Put your hands up!
Hands in the air now! Hands in the air now!
More robbers?!
Yeah.
Ooh, much better this time.
It's the same exact coffee.
Mm-hmm. I could also see that.
So, you have a knack for getting mixed up
in grand larcenies?
If you mean I have a knack for playing the victim,
then you'd be correct.
Because I was cast as Blanche Dubois
as a first year repertory student in theater class.
Very rare.
-No one gives a shit. -Oh, my God.
June, help us out here.
Help us to understand, June.
The arresting officers said that it looked as though
you and one of the suspects
were about to have sex in front of the two other suspects.
Really? They said that?
Why didn't you put up much of a fight?
I mean, I get it, he's hot, but...
Well, A, I'm not exactly John Wick,
and, B, I'm friends with Owen, and he told me
he was going to let me go.
Yeah, just how well do you know Owen?
I've technically only known him for a day.
We met at the pharmacy, and then I ran into him at the pot store.
Then we had this kind of wild night.
It was fun to be carefree, off my phone.
Which, by the way, when can I get that back?
June Squad needs these updates.
So you met Owen, who just robbed the dispensary you were in,
at the pharmacy where you work?
-Mm-hmm. -Which was also robbed.
Yeah, I know it sounds bad, but I asked Owen
if he did our robbery, and he said no.
Oh, well, if he said he had nothing to do with it...
-That's that. -...then what are we
even doing here? I haven't had lunch.
We should probably just go.
You guys are really judgy.
Maybe if you'd be a little more open minded,
you would have apprehended someone by now.
Telling us how to do our job, huh?
Owen McEvoy is building up quite the sheet
for someone his age.
That's actually a really good picture of him.
God, mugshots are so sexy.
Can I do, like, a novelty souvenir one before I go?
What do your parents think of a guy like this?
Do they approve of him?
Not that I care, but they haven't met him yet.
Oh, don't worry, they will.
-What do you mean? -Oh, they're on their way
down here right now. That's what I mean by that.
-Why? -Because we called them, June.
And I can't wait to tell them all the details of this case.
Like how their daughter appears to be a pothead
who's cavorting all over town with a known thief
and conspired to rob her workplace with him.
I wasn't cavorting with him.
I don't even know what that word means,
so I definitely wasn't doing it.
I told you, I met him at the pharmacy,
and then I ran into him at the disgusting pot store,
and I just noticed him right away
because I never forget a face that makes me hot and ready.
Hot and ready? What the hell does that mean?
-Yeah. -Well, I don't like
the word "horny," so I say hot and ready instead
because it sounds cuter and it reminds me of pizza.
Okay, so you were just doing
a little marijuana shopping, then?
I told you I was conducting a private investigation.
But you're not licensed to do that, Miss Fine.
Then Owen, the man you randomly met at your workplace,
holds up the place that you're in and then takes you hostage.
You expect us to believe that this is all coincidence?
Do you think we're stupid?
You're the common denominator here, June.
I know it's wild,
and it would be one hell of a Datelineepisode.
Oh, my God, the poor man that ends up with her.
Excuse me?
What were you doing at Dante's bar?
Is it a crime to be there?
No, it's a free country,
but a lot of unsavory characters hang around that place, June.
Maybe you met a guy named Crawford.
He's got a few priors under his belt.
I don't remember.
The popcorn tasted good. That's all I know.
We both know that your
deadbeat dad hangs out there, June.
He's got a bit of a problem, doesn't he, June?
Don't be mean, okay?
I'm the only one who's allowed to make fun of my dad's disease.
So answer the question.
What were you doing at Dante's Bar?
Somebody has to get justice for Bill.
Oh, that would look so cute on a T-shirt.
June, you are not a police officer.
When are you going to get that through your thick,
entitled millennial skull?
It is so embarrassing to say the "M" word
and especially adding "thicc" in the mix.
Ew, I hate you.
Well, we hate you back.
Can I take this home?
-No. -No, you cannot.
I am not listening to that crap right now.
Why not?
We just had to pick you up at jail!
Well, actually, it was the police station.
You know, I was hanging out with a cute guy.
I thought maybe my family would be happy for me.
What?
Do you realize how strong your grandchildren's genetics
would be if I breed with a hot criminal?
The police showed us his picture.
Strong jaw. I like that.
Jonathan, I hope you're learning from your sister's mistakes.
Deffo, Dad. Uh, you're wild out of pocket, sis.
Mom, tell him to shut up.
-Shh. -You know, I can't even
understand what he's saying 90 percent of the time.
But I would rather have a jive turkey for a son
than a jailbird for a daughter.
Mm-hmm. Got your white ass.
Can you both just calm down, please?
She's been through something.
Hey, June, uh, did you lez out in the joint?
Why do you care, freak?
June, even if you did, we still love you.
You go into the bar, ask a bunch of stupid questions.
You bring up my personal business.
You could have gotten yourself hurt.
These bookies don't mess around. They don't like attention.
They're going to be all over my ass now.
Mom, is there still a plate for me under the sink?
Oh, yes, I put it in the back of the refrigerator
just before we left.
Stay out of that bar.
Let that be my thing. Just let that be a dad place.
Yo, pass the Oxford?
No, because dad said no music.
Pass him the cord.
Ha-ha! Thanks, brother.
You're being punished.
I can't believe after all that's happened,
you're still thinking about Davey.
Why do you do that to yourself?
Move on already. Take some time if you need it.
Can it be paid leave?
I heard the insurance payout was good.
I'm not gonna lie. It was.
Maybe we can figure something out.
No. It's okay. I don't need special treatment.
So, what do you want from me, June?
I don't know. You're kind of like a doctor.
Maybe just tell me what to do.
Okay, so first off, Davey is basically married,
and you're not going to get back together with him,
so stop thinking about it.
Secondly, maybe get a therapist, and possibly more than one.
Right, right. Okay. But like, on the other hand,
what if I just face my problems head-on
and I go and I talk to Davey myself?
Are you listening to me? Stop thinking about it.
I thought you said the guy that kidnapped you was cool.
What was his name?
Owen.
Owen. What about him?
Mm, he drinks beer and smokes pot.
So what? It's legal to do both.
I mean, we did have a surprisingly good amount
of chemistry, but I worry it wouldn't be there
if we were in a non-high pressure situation.
You'll literally do anything not to move on from Davey.
I mean, there's no need to throw the baby out
with the bath water.
Stop saying stuff like that, all right?
You don't know what it means.
That might be true.
I'm sorry I didn't catch the thief.
And I'm sorry those dumb detectives
just closed the case with no suspects.
It's fine. The policy covered everything.
It's better than ever.
Okay, good.
I almost want to thank whoever did it.
They're probably having sex somewhere, though.
Why are you fantasizing about the robbers' sex life?
I'm not fantasizing about it. They got all the Valtrex.
They got more of that than the Adderall and the Xanax.
Ew, weird.
Thank you for trying, though, June. I appreciate it.
You're right. I did try.
I'm gonna get another one before my break's over.
I don't think you should.
Okay. You're right. I won't.
This is good enough.
I have something I want to get off my chest.
That's going to be a lot of plucking, from what I've heard.
You told her about my nipple hair?
I didn't tell--
No. That's something I heard through the grapevine.
Oh, cool. Are you like a wine aunt?
Can I talk to you privately?
Anything you want to say to me,
you can say in front of my fiancée.
Okay, fine. In fact, I think everybody should hear this.
I'm a loser. I know.
Good.
And your little Facebook group is right about me.
I have no life.
I'm scared. I'm obsessed with you.
I have no aspirations, no dreams, no hobbies.
And I'm very bored, basically.
And you know what? It's not my parents fault.
And it's not your fault.
It's mine.
What?
And just because I took your virginity--
David, please tell me that's not true.
-It's not. -Right out here
in this parking lot.
-That is disgusting. -It's not true.
-I don't know-- -That's disgusting.
And just because we both love eating cheeseburgers
three or four nights a week,
that doesn't necessarily mean that we're soulmates.
So I have decided that we should not be together.
-Oh. -And you guys are free.
You're free to go off and get married
and be happy and have your fully Gentile children.
I'm not going to stalk you anymore.
Thank you, June.
What did you ever see in this psycho?
Just--just let it go.
For the record, you're both losers, too.
You're just busier than me.
Take a fry for the road.
I'm sorry I got us banned from Freddy's,
but at least Nicole comped our last meal.
What exactly is your problem? Why are you like this?
Hm, I wonder.
Are you saying it's our fault, that we're to blame?
Well, that's not fair.
Your mother and I did not teach you
-to behave like this. -I certainly didn't.
No, well, I think you guys did a great job
raising my ratchet sister.
I'm not ratchet. Okay? She started it.
Oh, June, you got a...uh...
in your hair.
Oh, I don't want to have to shampoo tonight.
Oh, yeah. You got something.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, Jonathan.
No!
-Leave her alone. -Sorry, Mom.
You know, I thought maybe you guys would be proud of me.
Oh, we're proud of you for fighting in public
and getting us 86'd from our favorite burger place.
Thanks a lot.
I bet Davey's upset.
I bet he is, too, because I told him
I'm not interested in him anymore.
Is that true? Really?
You're lucky no one called the cops.
You know, you could use vinegar to get the grease out.
You wouldn't even need the shampoo.
Thanks, Mom.
Man, this crime family is bumming me the fuck out.
Guys, the only way I can calm down right now
is if we listen to some lo-fi chill beats.
Come on. It's your turn.
Babe, we've gone over this.
I'm the brains. You're the brawn.
That means you do what I say while I sit here
and look cute, remember?
Wow, you're so ruthless.
I know. Now give me a forehead kiss.
You know, it's not even a maximum security prison,
so it's kind of chill.
He even gets to keep his own magazines.
Are you gonna visit him?
They don't allow conjugal visits,
so I'll probably just wait out the 14 months.
Very progressive of you
to even consider dating a known felon.
I know.
It's kind of wild, but ever since we got robbed,
I just want to stay out of my comfort zone.
How do your parents feel about the possibility?
Um, they're happy, you know,
as long as I'm not talking about...you know who.
Your whole family's evolved.
Well, everyone except my brother. He's still a loser.
Right. Are you going to move out and get your own place now?
Mm, no, but I could see myself
getting off their phone plan eventually.
Oh, I messed it up.
Start over.
Okay.
One, two, three...
Hungry?
Sure.
I'm sorry I went to your gambling bar.
It's fine. I think they all kind of fear me now.
In a good way.
Oh. Cool.
So you definitely didn't rob the pharmacy to, like,
pay off a bookie or something, right?
-What? -It's fine if you did.
I won't tell anyone.
I mean, I'll probably blackmail you
into buying me a new car, but--
Why would I rob the only place my daughter can get a job?
I don't know, it doesn't seem that far-fetched to me.
I've just been racking my brain over and over again
trying to figure this out.
First of all, I can tell you this.
That the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.
And secondly, I'm up with all my bookies.
I don't owe anyone shit, especially not my kid.
Does Mom know about your winnings?
You're good. All right.
It's been a while since I gave you any allowance.
I'm gonna go get some more milk.
All I'm saying is, I think Dad might be up.
You should check with him.
Junebug, if I was really concerned about
your father's gambling, I wouldn't have married him.
Whatever.
No, no. Please continue.
Who else would you like to tattle on?
I wish I had something to tattle on Jonathan for
'cause I hate him.
You know, Jonathan is not a stooge.
He's capable of a lot more than you give him credit for.
I mean, I'm not saying he's a mastermind
or that he's got some proclivity for genius.
No, but there is something about him that's very clever.
Something that people don't really see on the surface.
They're blinded by his language and his shenanigans, I suppose.
No, as a child, he had a way
to kind of feel out the situation,
get what he wanted out of it without anyone even knowing.
Now, you, on the other hand, you know,
I see myself in you, but more around the age of five.
Yo, uh, you're in my space.
Get out of here.
Do you have anything you want to say to me?
Uh, yeah. Get out of my room.
Why'd you do it?
Uh, I didn't touch your stupid fucking cupcake, okay?
I don't even know the combination.
And you never will. But let's stay on topic.
Why did you rob my pharmacy?
Um...
Uh, yeah. Right. Why would I-- Yeah. Why would I do that?
Oh, okay. No worries.
I'm just gonna go tell Mom and Dad
that you stole Xanax and Adderall from my workplace.
Wait. Uh, okay. It's-- It's not what it looks like.
All right?
Help me understand, Jonathan.
It's hard to talk about.
If you have a problem, we can get you help.
It's not something you can fix.
It's like permanent.
I'm sure everyone who does drugs feels like that.
No, I sold the Xanax and Adderall.
Okay? I just took those to throw the cops off.
I know you're a drug head. Stop lying to me.
What are you talking about? I just smoke weed.
It's legal, June.
Okay, so if this is all some big ploy to throw off the cops,
why did you rob us?
For what? The Valtrex?
Uh...yeah.
What? That for people who have herpes.
Mm-hmm.
Someone had sex with you?
Ew! How? Who?
I don't know, I mean, my DMs are popping right now.
I don't know, I think it was maybe this one girl.
She, like, lives in the back of a pet store.
Ugh, Mom was right.
Why didn't you just call Dr. Weisman?
I mean, he could have prescribed the shit,
but then he would have told Mom and Dad.
So?
I'm not like you, June.
I don't have to share everything with them.
All my sicknesses.
You know. Me out here.
Fair. We're different in that way.
I gotta hand it to you. I'm impressed.
You had sex with a person, and you robbed my pharmacy
and got away with it. Well played.
Well, thank you. I mean, it was mostly
YouTube tutorials at the end of the day,
but, look, I'm impressed with you because,
I mean, it's cool you cracked the case.
That's amazing.
Thank you.
However, you caused a lot of pain
and suffering for Bill and me, especially for me.
Okay, that's...that's my bad. But you're not--
You're not going to tell Mom and Dad, right?
I don't have to.
As long as you commit right now to being my servant for a year.
Okay. Fine. Yes. Great. Yeah, I'll do that.
You have to like and share every June Squad post,
including my live streams.
Okay. Come on. Seriously?
Okay. Okay. Yes. Yeah. Great. Yes. Okay, fine.
Pleasure doing business with you.
You can consider me your parole officer.
I take my breakfast cereal with oat milk.
I have a PO? That's kind of hard.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, honestly, the last few days have been crazy,
but also kind of fun. I don't know.
Oh, my God, thank you.
Yeah, weirdly, solving crimes has been really good
for my complexion.
Maybe take a screenshot.
Um, yeah, I would say I learned a lot.
Um, I learned a lot about my mom and dad. Right?
I learned way too much about my little brother.
I learned about my ex-boyfriend.
I learned Dr. Weisman is still a freak.
Oh, my God. Wait. You guys are right.
That is the first time I've ever called him my ex-boyfriend.
Oh, my God.
You know what?
I'm gonna go celebrate my newfound emotional maturity.
How's that sound?
All right. Bye, June Squad. I love you guys.
Let's do this.
That's so good!
I knew you wouldn't be stale.
Okay. Maybe a little stale.
It's okay.
♪ Fuck it, I got money on my mind ♪
♪ Diamonds sweet in my Patek
♪ It don't even tell the time
♪ Fuck it, is you deaf, or is you blind? ♪
♪ I ain't going nowhere yet
♪ I'ma stay here for a while
♪ Spotlight, bitch
♪ I'm in the spotlight, bitch
♪ Talking that shit
♪ Still out here getting rich
♪ Y'all bitches be messy, messy ♪
♪ Don't ever come test me, test me ♪
♪ Online you so lovey dovey
♪ But your babydad text me, text me ♪
♪ Now point at the baddest bitch out worldwide ♪
♪ I'ma problem, hoes they know what I'm about ♪
♪ Any side, yeah, I'm known from east to west ♪
♪ And north to south
♪ Careful how you say my name ♪
♪ 'Cause that shit coming back around ♪
♪ I go bad on the beat, sweet bon appetit ♪
♪ Ain't no fucking with me ♪
♪ Lil baddie a beast
♪ I don't need your critique ♪
♪ Go suck on a bleep
♪ Little beat beat bitch, I'm the shit ♪
♪ Fuck it, I got money on my mind ♪
♪ Diamonds sweet in my Patek
♪ It don't even tell the time
♪ Fuck it, is you deaf, or is you blind? ♪
♪ I ain't going nowhere yet
♪ I'ma stay here for a while