1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,589 --> 00:00:11,469 [country music playing] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:16,391 [announcer] Please welcome to the stage, Dusty Slay! 5 00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:17,726 [audience cheering] 6 00:00:17,809 --> 00:00:19,477 ♪ All day and night ♪ 7 00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:23,815 ♪ Tryin' to make my way Turning wrongs to right ♪ 8 00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:25,984 ♪ It ain't a simple job ♪ 9 00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:27,527 ♪ But I love what I do ♪ 10 00:00:27,610 --> 00:00:29,446 All right, we're having a good time. 11 00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:32,866 ♪ Workin' hard is all this old boy knows to do ♪ 12 00:00:32,949 --> 00:00:35,160 We are having a good time. What a hot show. 13 00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:37,537 Um, pumped to be here. It is a hot show. 14 00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:40,165 I don't know why I laughed when I said it, but… 15 00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:42,417 It is very good. I'm pumped to be here. 16 00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:45,628 And sometimes I'll say that three or four times 17 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,130 before I get started with the show. 18 00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:49,966 I'd like to let you know the show is hot and I'm pumped to be here. 19 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,594 And that we are having a good time. 20 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,764 But I am pumped to be here. This is a great job. 21 00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:56,806 [audience laughing] 22 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,768 You know what I mean? Listen, it's a hot show and… 23 00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:04,230 [audience cheering] 24 00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:06,775 Now this is a great job. Best job I ever had. 25 00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:09,527 I mean, I will quit if I find a better one, but, uh… 26 00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:11,821 I'm not making that up. 27 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:15,492 I'm always looking for the best job and so far this has been the best. 28 00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:18,286 And I'm happy to have it. But I've had a lot of jobs. 29 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:21,372 I used to work in a restaurant called Jim Bob's Chicken Fingers. 30 00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:23,500 Ever heard of that chicken finger place? 31 00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,251 Specialize in chicken fingers. 32 00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:28,463 I was the sauce guy working my way up to dishwasher. 33 00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:29,547 [audience laughing] 34 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:33,384 [chuckles] And I came in one day and the dishwasher had not shown up. 35 00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:35,970 I was going to be making sauce and washing dishes. 36 00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:38,473 So I was like, "Let me go ahead and go on break." 37 00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:40,350 [audience laughing] 38 00:01:41,392 --> 00:01:42,852 And then I never came back. 39 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,896 [audience laughing] 40 00:01:44,979 --> 00:01:47,774 'Cause I don't do two jobs, you know what I mean? 41 00:01:47,857 --> 00:01:50,235 You gonna be short-handed, you're gonna be real short-handed 42 00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:53,822 'cause I'm jumping off this sinking ship, you know what I mean? 43 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:57,492 I am not going down with Jim Bob's, I'll tell you that. 44 00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:00,995 I walked right out of that place and untucked my shirt. 45 00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:02,789 [audience laughing] 46 00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:04,249 I hate tucking in my shirt. 47 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:05,708 I do hate it. 48 00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,961 I got a weird body for tucking in my shirt. 49 00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:12,215 My body's not weird, but I feel like if I tuck in my shirt, 50 00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:14,884 I feel like I look like I work everywhere I'm at. 51 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,970 [audience laughing] 52 00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:21,224 That may not make sense to you, but I got a working man's mid-section. 53 00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:24,394 Like if you can see my belt up here 54 00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:26,813 you're like, "Oh, no. He works here somehow." 55 00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:31,067 "It's not clear what he does, but he is affiliated with the place." 56 00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:33,611 "He got some kids, I'll tell you that." 57 00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:35,196 You know what I mean? 58 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,199 Like if I tuck in my shirt and go into the grocery store, 59 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,869 they'll start asking me where the bread is. 60 00:02:41,452 --> 00:02:44,789 -Then I take them to the bread. -[audience laughing] 61 00:02:45,373 --> 00:02:47,959 It gets weird when they find out I don't work there. 62 00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:51,880 Like you didn't ask me if I work here, you asked me where the bread was. 63 00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:52,922 [audience laughing] 64 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,841 I do know where the bread is. 65 00:02:54,924 --> 00:02:57,343 I know where a lot of stuff is at in this store. 66 00:02:57,927 --> 00:02:59,929 Be cool, I'll show you around a bit. 67 00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:02,765 Let me see your list. You know what I mean? 68 00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,685 Okay, we're having a good time and… 69 00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:09,606 -[audience cheering] -Thank you, thank you. 70 00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:12,525 I like to tell people "We're having a good time." 71 00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:14,652 You know, I don't like to ask. 72 00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:17,864 Lot of comics come out here, they go, "Are we having a good time?" 73 00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:20,241 Not me, I can't risk it. You know what I mean? 74 00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:23,661 And yes, I will do that joke the rest of my life, and uh… 75 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:26,414 [audience cheering] 76 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,750 It's my favorite joke, I love it. 77 00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:30,960 It's not even a joke so much, just it is the truth 78 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,046 that we are having a good time. 79 00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:35,798 I used to work at a restaurant called Western Sizzlin'. 80 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,550 I don't know if you know that one. 81 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,928 Buffet-style restaurant with a smoking section, 82 00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:40,970 you know what I mean? 83 00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:43,723 Eat more than you can breathe in there. 84 00:03:43,806 --> 00:03:44,891 [audience laughing] 85 00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:46,434 I love a smoking section. 86 00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:49,479 I like smoking inside, reminds me of my childhood, you know? 87 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:53,233 Sleeping on the top bunk of a single wide trailer. 88 00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:55,777 That's where all the smoke is, up there. 89 00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:57,111 [audience laughing] 90 00:03:57,695 --> 00:03:59,572 I go to school the next day, smelling like smoke, 91 00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:00,990 wearing a NASCAR T-shirt. 92 00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:03,701 When I was growing up, my mom was a big NASCAR fan 93 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:05,828 and she liked the driver, Alan Kulwicki. 94 00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:09,332 I don't know if you guys remember him, but he drove the Hooters car. 95 00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:11,668 I was the only third grade kid with a T-shirt that said, 96 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:14,504 "Hooters" on the front and "More than a mouthful" on the back. 97 00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,464 [audience laughing] 98 00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,259 They didn't mean to send me home. 99 00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:21,219 They were like, "He ain't got no better shirts." 100 00:04:21,302 --> 00:04:24,305 [audience laughing] 101 00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:27,892 Leave in a Hooters shirt, come back in a Marlboro shirt. 102 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,104 Still got a little pack of cigarettes in the pocket 103 00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:33,648 where I switched out with my dad in the parking lot. 104 00:04:34,315 --> 00:04:35,483 [chuckles] 105 00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:39,237 I love smoking, smoking's the best, um… 106 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,489 -[audience laughing] -[woman] Yeah! 107 00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:43,825 Everybody's quitting now. I think it's a shame. 108 00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:45,660 [audience laughing] 109 00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:47,787 It's hard to smoke anywhere anymore. 110 00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:49,831 Tough to light up a cigarette out here. 111 00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:52,041 Some of these cities, you can't even smoke. 112 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:55,295 I caught a whiff of some second-hand in a Walmart parking lot the other day. 113 00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:57,297 There wasn't even nobody smoking out there. 114 00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:00,008 That's just where the smoke goes now. 115 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,259 [audience laughing] 116 00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,928 That's the only place it feels welcome. 117 00:05:04,012 --> 00:05:05,221 [audience laughing] 118 00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:08,391 I worked at Western Sizzlin' two times. 119 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:11,602 I remember working there one day and this guy was refilling the buffet, 120 00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:12,854 and he was working real hard. 121 00:05:12,937 --> 00:05:15,189 And as he was pouring green beans into the buffet, 122 00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:17,358 he was pouring sweat into the green beans. 123 00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:18,359 [audience groans] 124 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,236 Yeah, very salty, it's… 125 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,821 [audience laughing] 126 00:05:21,904 --> 00:05:23,906 Some would argue too much salt, really. 127 00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:28,453 I stopped doing that joke for a while because it was grossing everybody out. 128 00:05:28,536 --> 00:05:30,538 I like to bring it back once in a while, 129 00:05:30,621 --> 00:05:33,082 just kind of see where we're at as a society. 130 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:38,588 I like that we're still grossed out by it, I think that's a good sign. 131 00:05:40,089 --> 00:05:43,009 Western Sizzlin', and if you don't know, it's like a Golden Corral, 132 00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:45,094 you know, without all the class, like a… 133 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,471 [audience laughing] 134 00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:48,056 Like a Silver Corral. 135 00:05:48,139 --> 00:05:49,349 [audience laughing] 136 00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:51,642 Or like a Bronze Corral, you know? 137 00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:54,145 Like an O.K. Corral, you know what I mean? 138 00:05:54,228 --> 00:05:55,229 [audience laughing] 139 00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:56,647 Doing all right in there. 140 00:05:57,398 --> 00:05:59,192 I liked working there, I learned a lot. 141 00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:01,944 That's where I smoked cigarettes without using my hands. 142 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,322 [audience laughing] 143 00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:08,493 'Cause they wouldn't give us real smoke breaks. 144 00:06:08,576 --> 00:06:10,953 We could only smoke while we were rolling silverware. 145 00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:12,747 [audience laughing] 146 00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:14,832 But you need both hands to roll silverware, 147 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,877 so we'd just go back there and light up and get to rollin'. 148 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,962 Got smoke all in our eyes. 149 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:23,174 Customers would be like, "There's ashes in this silverware." 150 00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:25,635 I'm like, "You should see what's in your green beans." 151 00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,720 -I mean this… -[audience laughing] 152 00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:31,015 [clapping and cheering] 153 00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:32,100 [chuckles] 154 00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:35,561 I wouldn't worry about those ashes, I'll tell you that. 155 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,230 You can just blow those off. 156 00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:40,191 There's stuff in here you can't just blow off like that. 157 00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:45,321 I used to sell pesticides for a living. 158 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,907 I don't know if you can tell that by looking at me, but… 159 00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:50,243 -[audience laughing] -I did that for a long time. 160 00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:52,745 I sold pesticides to Lowe's and Home Depot. 161 00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:54,789 I did that for a long time. 162 00:06:54,872 --> 00:06:57,250 People would come in and ask weird questions. 163 00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:59,627 They'd be like, "I'm looking for something organic." 164 00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:02,672 I'd like to kill the insects, but not harm the environment. 165 00:07:03,464 --> 00:07:05,675 I'm like, "Well, how about a shoe?" 166 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:09,053 [audience laughing] 167 00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:12,849 'Cause I'm selling pesticides here, and… 168 00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:14,100 [audience laughing] 169 00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:15,935 That stuff is poison, all right? 170 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:18,896 I'm hurting stuff out here. 171 00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:23,818 I liked that job because I worked in the store, but not for the store. 172 00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:25,903 I had a bunch of different stores that I went to. 173 00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:28,448 My boss was never around. I had a lot of freedoms. 174 00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:31,325 But I had my shirt tucked in, so people thought I worked there. 175 00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:35,371 They would ask me to help them find stuff and I would. 176 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,457 Unless they got an attitude. 177 00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:40,585 Then like mid-help, I'd be like, "I don't know." 178 00:07:40,668 --> 00:07:43,004 [audience laughing] 179 00:07:43,087 --> 00:07:44,338 "I don't work here." 180 00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:46,299 [audience laughing] 181 00:07:46,382 --> 00:07:48,342 Then I'd just walk off, you know. 182 00:07:48,926 --> 00:07:51,804 Customers don't know what to do with something like that. 183 00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:52,972 They get the manager. 184 00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:55,766 The manager's like, "I don't know, he doesn't work here." 185 00:07:57,226 --> 00:07:59,979 And they can't find me because I already untucked my shirt. 186 00:08:00,062 --> 00:08:02,064 [audience laughing] 187 00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:04,734 I disappeared right there in the store. 188 00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:06,235 [audience laughing] 189 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,987 They're pointing at me, "Is that him?" 190 00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:11,657 They're like, "Kind of looks like him, but the guy I'm talking about works here." 191 00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:14,035 [audience laughing] 192 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,371 I'm gone. I'm already out front smoking. 193 00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:18,498 [audience laughing] 194 00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,374 I'm out there trying to calm down. 195 00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:25,004 You ever see people try to calm down with a cigarette? 196 00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:27,798 Hitting it all hard. Got paper burning all fast. 197 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,635 They got a cherry on it that long. 198 00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:34,680 They're like, "I'm trying to calm down." I'm like, "I don't think it's working." 199 00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:36,265 [audience laughing] 200 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,559 You might just need some regular breaths. 201 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:41,604 [audience laughing] 202 00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:42,605 [chuckles] 203 00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:46,692 It could be oxygen you're looking for. I don't know. 204 00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:48,694 [audience laughing] 205 00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:49,862 [chuckles] 206 00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:53,991 I used to work with a guy, he hit cigarettes so hard, 207 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:56,077 you could hear it leaving his lips. 208 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:59,205 And he'd be like… [exhales sharply] 209 00:08:59,288 --> 00:09:01,207 [audience laughing] 210 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,336 I was like, "Dang, dude. Take it easy." 211 00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:06,629 [audience laughing] 212 00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:09,423 I felt sorry for the cigarettes. 213 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:10,925 [audience laughing] 214 00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:14,554 I was like, "I know they're killing you, but they don't deserve that." 215 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:16,180 [audience laughing] 216 00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:20,184 They say cigarettes will kill you, but I don't know. 217 00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,310 You know what I mean? 218 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:24,438 I saw a bunch of old people out front of this restaurant smoking the other day. 219 00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:27,400 I was like, "That's proof right there it don't kill ya." 220 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:29,777 Like they didn't look good. 221 00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:31,654 [audience laughing] 222 00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:32,738 But they were alive. 223 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,577 Yeah, smoking's the best. 224 00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:40,746 I did quit, but it is the best, though. 225 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,833 I quit when I quit drinking. I used to be a big drinker. 226 00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:46,544 I love drinking. Drinking's the best too. 227 00:09:46,627 --> 00:09:48,629 I think I was a really good drinker. 228 00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,715 A lot of my friends disagreed, um… 229 00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:52,675 Most of them in fact. 230 00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:55,845 I was the type of drinker you could make eye contact with 231 00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,263 at some point in the night, 232 00:09:57,346 --> 00:09:58,931 and look deep into my eyes, 233 00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,017 and know that I couldn't see you. 234 00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:02,310 [audience laughing] 235 00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:07,106 Like the spirit had left the body. 236 00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:08,566 [audience laughing] 237 00:10:08,649 --> 00:10:11,569 Just floating around out here, looking for a Waffle House. 238 00:10:11,652 --> 00:10:13,279 [audience laughing] 239 00:10:13,362 --> 00:10:14,905 Cracker Barrel, something like that. 240 00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:18,117 Just trying to eat my way back into sobriety. 241 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,869 [audience laughing] 242 00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:21,120 [chuckles] 243 00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:23,914 Still got a little bit to get home. 244 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,418 I love Cracker Barrel, though. 245 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,421 Cracker Barrel's fun. A lot of good food in there. 246 00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:32,715 Chicken and dumplings. You can get dumplings as a side. 247 00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,092 You can get chicken and dumplings and dumplings in there. 248 00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,304 You can't do that at a lot of places. 249 00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:42,433 I like Cracker Barrel. They had a lot of billboards in the South. 250 00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:45,186 They were all over in the Interstate and I like most of them. 251 00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:47,188 But one billboard said this, it said: 252 00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:50,816 "Biscuits are like spoons you can eat." Right? 253 00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,361 'Cause that's not true, right? 254 00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:55,154 [audience laughing] 255 00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:57,239 A biscuit ain't nothin' like a spoon. 256 00:10:58,282 --> 00:11:01,243 Yeah, you can eat it. But that don't make it like a spoon. 257 00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:06,624 The reason I didn't like it is I felt like these billboards were only in the South 258 00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:09,460 and I didn't want people not from the South driving through here 259 00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:11,671 think we're down here trying to eat spoons. 260 00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:13,506 [audience laughing] 261 00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:15,758 [chuckling] You know what I mean? 262 00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:17,093 [chuckles] 263 00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:19,553 'Cause we're not down here trying to eat spoons. 264 00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:20,805 [audience laughing] 265 00:11:21,305 --> 00:11:23,641 I told this joke down in Kentucky one time, this girl goes, 266 00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:26,352 "That's true. You can dip your biscuit into whatever you're eating, 267 00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:29,313 let it soak up and then put that biscuit in your mouth. 268 00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:31,857 I'm like, "Yeah, that's how you use a biscuit." 269 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:33,818 [audience laughing] 270 00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,528 That's not how you use a spoon. 271 00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:37,613 [audience laughing] 272 00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:41,325 I've never seen a spoon that can soak stuff up, you know. 273 00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,494 That's tough to clean, man. 274 00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:47,748 Just saying you can't go around replacing biscuits with spoons 275 00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:49,500 and spoons with biscuits. 276 00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:52,169 I mean nobody is born with a silver biscuit in their mouth. 277 00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,588 [audience laughing] 278 00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:57,633 Nobody in the mountains now is playing the biscuits. 279 00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,385 [audience laughing] 280 00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:02,096 There'd be crumbs everywhere. 281 00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:06,058 Nobody's melting heroin down on a biscuit. 282 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,144 [audience laughing] 283 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,566 Actually, I don't know if that's true or not. 284 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,652 I've not done a lot of heroin, 285 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,738 so I don't know what people are doing with it. 286 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:22,700 Imagine if you got a lot of heroin, you may want to break it up a bit. 287 00:12:22,783 --> 00:12:25,161 Let's try it on some different stuff here and there. 288 00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:30,750 [chuckles] Know what I mean? I don't know. But we're having a good time. 289 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:32,501 [audience cheering and clapping] 290 00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:34,420 [Dusty] Thank you. Thank you. 291 00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:39,175 [audience continues cheering] 292 00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:44,096 I like to wave like this and do this a lot. 293 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,182 I like this at the end of a joke. 294 00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:48,893 Just to let you know that joke's over. 295 00:12:49,643 --> 00:12:52,062 A lot of times, you'll know, 'cause you'll be laughing. 296 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:54,648 But other times I'll have to give you one of these. 297 00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:57,067 I got a lot going on up here. 298 00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:59,737 I like to touch my hat, my glasses, my belt. 299 00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,822 I'm like a third base coach up here. 300 00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:03,073 [audience laughing] 301 00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:06,786 [chuckles] Just tryin' to get you home. 302 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,871 [audience laughing and applauding] 303 00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:10,414 Okay. Thank you. 304 00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:12,625 I touch my nose a lot when I'm on stage. 305 00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,544 I don't know what's going on with that, but I feel like when I'm on stage, 306 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:18,297 my nose hairs like to get together with my mustache, 307 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,592 Kind of like, "What's going on out there? What's he up to?" 308 00:13:21,675 --> 00:13:23,886 Now I gotta come in here and break it up. 309 00:13:27,431 --> 00:13:29,433 At the beginning of COVID, when they were like, 310 00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:32,269 "Don't touch your face." I'm like, "Well, I'll be dead." 311 00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:34,104 [audience laughing] 312 00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:37,274 [chuckling] I can't stop touching it, you know what I mean? 313 00:13:37,358 --> 00:13:39,318 Okay, we're having a good time. 314 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,446 [chuckles] Thank you. 315 00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:47,034 I like dippin' a lot too. I used to be a big dipper. 316 00:13:47,117 --> 00:13:49,745 Like Skoal, not the constellation, and… 317 00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,330 [audience laughing] 318 00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:53,916 Okay. You know what I mean. 319 00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,001 I love dippin'. 320 00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:58,420 I didn't dip Skoal, I dipped Kodiak Wintergreen, 321 00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,172 but not everybody knows that name brand, 322 00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:02,550 so I like to say Skoal 'cause it's got brand recognition. 323 00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:07,596 I used to get lectured by people at the gas station about dip. 324 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,265 I go, "Let me get a can of that Skoal." 325 00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:11,809 He's like, "You know that stuff is gonna rot your lip out." 326 00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:14,854 I'm like, "All right, well, let me get the cigarettes then." 327 00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:16,981 [audience laughing] 328 00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:19,817 I'll smoke to the next gas station. 329 00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:22,695 [audience laughing] 330 00:14:22,778 --> 00:14:24,780 I'm like, "I don't know what you want me to do here." 331 00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,408 Clearly, I'm battling addiction. 332 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:32,121 You sell the stuff, don't lecture me because I'm trying to buy it. 333 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,499 Like, imagine you have a drug dealer. 334 00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:38,502 And I realize not everyone in here will have to imagine. 335 00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:40,629 [audience laughing] 336 00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,048 Imagine you have a drug dealer. 337 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,926 You go see him, "Hey, I'd like to get some of that cocaine there." 338 00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:48,470 I like to say it like that. Like a narc. 339 00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:51,015 [audience laughing] 340 00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:52,808 I'm the worst at buying drugs. 341 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,102 "Yes, one eight-ball of the cocaine, please." 342 00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:56,562 [audience laughing] 343 00:14:56,645 --> 00:14:57,771 [chuckles] 344 00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:00,065 He's like, "You know that stuff's addictive?" 345 00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:02,109 I'm like, "Yeah, I was here yesterday." 346 00:15:02,192 --> 00:15:04,236 [audience laughing] 347 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,155 Starting to pick up a pattern here. 348 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,325 I pawned my grandmother's necklace to get this money, 349 00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:10,910 so let's move this along here. 350 00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:14,246 That was a D.A.R.E. video they showed in high school. 351 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,832 They showed me a video of a girl doing cocaine one time, 352 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:20,502 the next thing she's pawning all of grandma's jewelry to get more drugs. 353 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,630 And that video worked for me because 354 00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:24,673 I'm like, "Man I better stay away from this stuff, 355 00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:27,384 'cause my grandmother ain't got nothin' but Afghans." 356 00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:28,677 [audience laughing] 357 00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,973 "I don't know how much drugs you can get for an Afghan." 358 00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:36,727 I don't know the street value of a crocheted item. 359 00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:38,062 [audience laughing] 360 00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:40,356 [chuckles] 361 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,401 I'd be hitting up my grandma every day. 362 00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,445 "Let me get another of them Afghans from you." 363 00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:48,781 She's just crocheting away. 364 00:15:48,864 --> 00:15:50,115 [audience laughing] 365 00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:52,201 She's like, "You love these things, eh?" 366 00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:56,622 I got to give her some of the drugs just to keep her going. 367 00:15:56,705 --> 00:15:57,831 [audience laughing] 368 00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:00,459 -Now we both got a problem. -[audience laughing] 369 00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:02,086 [chuckles] 370 00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:06,882 I love dippin', though, I was big into dippin'. 371 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,884 It's a lot of fun. I love to dip and drive. 372 00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:13,222 I have five or ten beers, get behind the wheel, 373 00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:14,223 put a dip in. 374 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,143 I'm smoking because I forgot I'm dippin'. 375 00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:19,895 [audience laughing] 376 00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:23,190 [chuckles] 377 00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:27,194 I used to wear contacts back in the day. 378 00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:29,279 I was a different guy back then, uh… 379 00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:33,283 I'm not always the best about washing my hands. 380 00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:35,786 I know that's gross. I get it, but… 381 00:16:35,869 --> 00:16:37,830 Matter of fact I hate washing my hands. 382 00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:38,914 [audience laughing] 383 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,124 To be honest with you. 384 00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:42,209 I know that's not popular to say these days. 385 00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:45,212 And honestly, it's never really been that popular to say. 386 00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:46,755 [audience laughing] 387 00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:51,218 But I hate it. I like to compliment people's bathrooms soaps, 388 00:16:51,301 --> 00:16:52,803 so they think I wash my hands. 389 00:16:52,886 --> 00:16:54,638 [audience laughing] 390 00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:58,392 I hate when I'm in a public restroom, and somebody else comes in, 391 00:16:58,475 --> 00:17:01,812 'cause I'm like, "Dang! Now I got to wash my hands." 392 00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:06,483 Sometimes they come right in, go into the stall. 393 00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,444 I'll just cut some water on for a minute. 394 00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:11,280 Maybe let out some paper towels. 395 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,866 I spend more time faking it, 396 00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:15,701 then I would just washing my hands. 397 00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:17,661 [chuckles] 398 00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:21,331 It's tough to fake it now, though. 399 00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,877 Lot of these bathrooms got motion sensors in there. 400 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,129 You stand over the sink, doing like this… 401 00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:30,507 You mess around, you get your hands wet. 402 00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:31,842 [audience laughing] 403 00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:34,803 Dang, I might as well do the whole thing now. 404 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,183 I miss the old days where they had that hand dryer 405 00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:41,685 that you can just punch it and it starts blowing. 406 00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:43,145 You get right out of there. 407 00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:45,856 People think I'm drying my hands. 408 00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:48,525 I'm already out in the gas station touching stuff. 409 00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:54,073 [audience laughing and clapping] 410 00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:56,575 Getting a donut with the tongs. 411 00:17:56,658 --> 00:17:58,077 [audience laughing] 412 00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:02,581 Self-serve coffee, struggling with the lids. 413 00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,666 "Aw, touched so many!" 414 00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:06,668 [chuckles] 415 00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:11,465 [chuckles] 416 00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:13,258 Getting a hot dog. 417 00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:15,677 Then being like, "Nah, I don't want a hot dog." 418 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:16,929 [audience laughing] 419 00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:19,306 Just put it back on the roller. 420 00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:21,683 [audience laughing] 421 00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:23,393 [chuckles] 422 00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:28,565 Nowadays, the hand dryers, they got a lot of hand dryers 423 00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:30,734 that you got to like dip it in there. 424 00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:35,489 I don't know if you've seen those, bunch of grown men just dippin' it. 425 00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:40,994 [audience laughing] 426 00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:43,622 [audience cheering] 427 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,085 Just waiting in line to dip it. 428 00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:49,753 [audience laughing] 429 00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:53,507 Some got a little thin strip in there, you got to try to avoid touching. 430 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,968 Like a game of operation in there. 431 00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:58,637 [chuckles] 432 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,432 The soap they give you now, they don't even give you real soap. 433 00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:04,393 They just give you foam in there. 434 00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:06,478 It's like used soap. 435 00:19:08,438 --> 00:19:12,025 It's like soap that somebody else has already worked into a lather. 436 00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:16,822 I don't know about you, but I kind of like to work my own lather. 437 00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:19,825 That's not a service I'm looking for. 438 00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:21,243 [audience laughing] 439 00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:24,621 They say they give you the foam to conserve soap. 440 00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,499 I had no idea we were dealing with a soap crisis. 441 00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:31,795 So I like to do my part by just not using any at all. 442 00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:33,881 [audience laughing] 443 00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:39,887 [audience cheering and clapping] 444 00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:43,807 My cup's heavy. 445 00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:46,935 -[chuckling] Yeah, okay. -[audience laughing] 446 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:48,020 It is a heavy cup. 447 00:19:49,479 --> 00:19:51,398 We're having a good time and uh… 448 00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:53,025 Oh, right, so I love dippin'. 449 00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:56,778 One day I'm at home, I'm dippin'. I put in a dip, I'm having a great day. 450 00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:57,905 Loving life. 451 00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:59,573 I realize I'm late for work. 452 00:19:59,656 --> 00:20:02,159 And I'm like, "Oh no, I got to put my contacts in." 453 00:20:02,242 --> 00:20:05,621 I forget to wash my hands, Well, I don't forget, I just don't do it… 454 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,290 I didn't do like this good enough. 455 00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:11,752 So I run over there, I throw in my contacts, 456 00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:13,337 I got dip all over my fingers. 457 00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:17,799 I get in the car and I'm just getting blasted in the eyes with dip, you know. 458 00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,343 And it's a good buzz. 459 00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:21,428 [audience laughing] 460 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,806 If you can handle it. 461 00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:27,309 It is very painful. 462 00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:29,019 But you're also very calm 463 00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:31,271 'cause you've got a lot of nicotine in your system. 464 00:20:32,022 --> 00:20:34,024 In the cheek and the eyelids. 465 00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:37,110 Borderline an overload here. 466 00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:41,073 I showed up to work that day, my eyes were all red. 467 00:20:41,573 --> 00:20:43,575 It's tough to convince your boss you're not high 468 00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:45,244 if you show up with eyes that red. 469 00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:47,412 My boss was like, "You high today?' 470 00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:49,498 I was like, "Nah I was at home and I was dippin', 471 00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:52,209 I forgot to wash my hands and I put my contacts in." 472 00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:53,877 He goes, "So you're high then." 473 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:55,963 [audience laughing] 474 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,674 I was like, "Well, yeah, I'm high." 475 00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:02,427 That's not why my eyes are red, but I'm high. 476 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:06,765 Of course I'm high, I work at a restaurant. 477 00:21:06,848 --> 00:21:10,852 [audience laughing and clapping] 478 00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:14,314 I didn't want to do the drugs, I'm just trying to fit in with my peers. 479 00:21:14,398 --> 00:21:15,399 [audience laughing] 480 00:21:16,149 --> 00:21:17,818 Everybody at a restaurant's high. 481 00:21:18,318 --> 00:21:21,154 If you're ever in a restaurant, and you're like, "Where's my server?" 482 00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:23,407 They're in the walk-in cooler getting high. 483 00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:25,409 [audience laughing] 484 00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:28,453 Or in the weight station eating off your plate. 485 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,498 That's what I liked to do. 486 00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:34,918 I liked to eat off people's plates after they were done with it. 487 00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:36,086 [audience groans] 488 00:21:36,169 --> 00:21:39,047 Which is less gross for you, more gross for me. 489 00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:42,467 I won't disrespect the customer, but I will disrespect my own body. 490 00:21:43,635 --> 00:21:45,762 I was doing it a lot. I loved doing it. 491 00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:48,348 I think it was grossing out some of my coworkers. 492 00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:49,808 So I had to come up with a system. 493 00:21:49,891 --> 00:21:53,061 A way to justify it to them and maybe to myself a little bit. 494 00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:56,732 And I decided I would only eat off the plates of women, 495 00:21:56,815 --> 00:21:58,900 and only if I would make out with them. 496 00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,988 'Cause I feel, if you'll make out with somebody, 497 00:22:03,071 --> 00:22:04,573 it's okay to eat their food. 498 00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:10,037 If you give that any moment of thought, you'll realize it's a pretty good system. 499 00:22:12,831 --> 00:22:16,501 But then there was a lot of food coming to the back that I wanted to eat 500 00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:18,295 off the plates of guys, 501 00:22:18,378 --> 00:22:19,921 so I had to ask myself… 502 00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:25,385 Would the girl that I would make out with make out with this guy? 503 00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:27,763 [audience laughing] 504 00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:30,349 I found the answer is always yes. 505 00:22:32,434 --> 00:22:35,896 I figure if she'll make out with me, she'll make out with anybody and… 506 00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:39,191 I like crab cakes, you know what I mean? 507 00:22:39,941 --> 00:22:41,234 We're having a good time. 508 00:22:41,318 --> 00:22:44,571 [audience cheering and clapping] 509 00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,407 You guys are very nice. What a great crowd. 510 00:22:48,408 --> 00:22:49,868 That's true, though. 511 00:22:49,951 --> 00:22:52,829 When I say something sincere and laugh, it doesn't seem sincere, 512 00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:54,539 and I don't mean it that way. 513 00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:56,833 I've quit dippin' now too. I've given up a lot things. 514 00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:59,294 I have a baby now so I'm trying to live… 515 00:22:59,378 --> 00:23:04,299 [audience cheering and clapping] 516 00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:05,300 I want to live now, 517 00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:07,969 I wanted to live before, but I didn't care if I died. 518 00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:09,304 Does that make sense? 519 00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:11,390 I mean I wasn't sad, but I was like, "I could die." 520 00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:12,474 You know what I mean? 521 00:23:12,557 --> 00:23:14,559 I was trying to get healthy a little bit, 522 00:23:14,643 --> 00:23:16,978 so I went to the doctor and they gave me a questionnaire. 523 00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:20,399 And one of the questions was, "How often do you sit down?" 524 00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:22,818 And I never really thought about that. 525 00:23:22,901 --> 00:23:25,570 I was like, "Dang. That's pretty much what I do." 526 00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:30,200 Sometimes I'll lay down, I don't know if you count that. 527 00:23:30,867 --> 00:23:33,620 So I don't sit all day. I will lay down a little bit, 528 00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:34,955 stretch out my back. 529 00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:39,209 [chuckles] 530 00:23:39,292 --> 00:23:43,422 The way I see it, my life is just walking to new places to sit down. 531 00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:45,757 [audience laughing] 532 00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:49,094 I don't know how much standing I'm supposed to be doing out here. 533 00:23:50,929 --> 00:23:53,682 So what I figure, what I did, I joined the gym. 534 00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:57,018 And I'll go in there, walk around a bit, touch on some stuff. 535 00:23:58,270 --> 00:23:59,855 [chuckling] You know what I mean? 536 00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:02,524 Grab a barbell and go, "Dang that feels good." 537 00:24:04,192 --> 00:24:06,945 I'll lift this next week and uh… 538 00:24:07,737 --> 00:24:10,240 Then I hit the tanning bed and get right out of there. 539 00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:13,869 I felt like if you look good, you feel good. 540 00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:16,413 Who doesn't look good with a tan? 541 00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:22,794 I got a lot of digestive issues, I burp a lot. 542 00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:25,130 And I know it's gross, but I do burp a lot. 543 00:24:25,213 --> 00:24:26,506 That's why COVID was tough on me. 544 00:24:26,590 --> 00:24:29,468 I don't know if you burped into an N95 mask before. 545 00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:32,262 It does not go away, man. 546 00:24:33,763 --> 00:24:34,764 That's the best mask. 547 00:24:34,848 --> 00:24:37,642 I don't know if keeps stuff out, but it keeps stuff in. 548 00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:40,479 That's research I've done on my own. 549 00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:46,526 I don't know if burp is thicker than virus or not, but… 550 00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:50,322 I almost choked out in a grocery store one time. 551 00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:54,451 I burped into that thing, had two straps on it, 552 00:24:54,534 --> 00:24:56,411 got tangled up in my hair. 553 00:24:57,037 --> 00:24:59,539 Couldn't get it off, my glasses were fogging up. 554 00:25:01,124 --> 00:25:02,292 I'm about to pass out. 555 00:25:02,375 --> 00:25:05,504 They were like, "You got COVID?" I'm like, "No, I got a burp in here." 556 00:25:06,463 --> 00:25:09,299 "Why don't you pull out a pocket knife? Cut this thing off." 557 00:25:11,551 --> 00:25:14,846 "I'm trying to breathe a little bit. I'm in here trying to get some grapes." 558 00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,223 [audience laughing] 559 00:25:18,183 --> 00:25:19,142 [chuckles] 560 00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:22,187 I get a lot of heartburn. 561 00:25:22,687 --> 00:25:23,855 A lot of heartburn. 562 00:25:24,481 --> 00:25:26,858 I got heartburn so bad, I ruptured my appendix 563 00:25:26,942 --> 00:25:28,777 and I didn't even really know it. 564 00:25:29,694 --> 00:25:32,614 I was just like, "Dang, this heartburn's getting bad, man." 565 00:25:33,573 --> 00:25:36,701 I'm used to it being up around in here, but now it's down here. 566 00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:40,580 It really feels about the same. 567 00:25:41,581 --> 00:25:43,667 I walked around like that for months. 568 00:25:43,750 --> 00:25:46,127 I finally went to the doctor and pushed around on my stomach, 569 00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:48,505 and then they get down here and they sent me the hospital. 570 00:25:48,588 --> 00:25:51,299 I get to the hospital and they do a full body scan on me. 571 00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:53,218 The surgeon came back and he said, 572 00:25:53,301 --> 00:25:55,095 "It looks like a bomb went off 573 00:25:55,595 --> 00:25:57,264 where your appendix used to be." 574 00:25:58,557 --> 00:25:59,933 That was his real words. 575 00:26:00,850 --> 00:26:03,436 "Looks like a bomb went off where your appendix used to be." 576 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,647 Everybody was saying it. I heard it out in the hallway. 577 00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:07,941 "It looks like a bomb went off…" 578 00:26:08,608 --> 00:26:11,528 It was the talk of the hospital. They couldn't stop saying it. 579 00:26:11,611 --> 00:26:12,529 [audience laughing] 580 00:26:12,612 --> 00:26:14,990 Everybody was saying it, that's all I was hearing. 581 00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:17,158 They found out I didn't have insurance, 582 00:26:17,242 --> 00:26:19,411 and they were like, "Well, it wasn't a full rupture." 583 00:26:19,494 --> 00:26:21,037 [audience laughing] 584 00:26:21,621 --> 00:26:23,498 They're like, "Get out of here, man." 585 00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:25,417 Yeah. 586 00:26:26,293 --> 00:26:29,337 "You take these antibiotics and come back if it gets worse." 587 00:26:30,922 --> 00:26:32,215 And it did get worse. 588 00:26:34,175 --> 00:26:35,218 It did get worse. 589 00:26:35,719 --> 00:26:38,305 So I had to go back to the hospital, and they cut me open. 590 00:26:38,388 --> 00:26:40,181 Did all kinds of things to my body. 591 00:26:40,265 --> 00:26:43,101 I don't know what they did, but I know if they put you to sleep, 592 00:26:43,184 --> 00:26:46,563 cut you open and you not wake up, they can do whatever they want to you. 593 00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:48,815 And I bet they did. 594 00:26:48,898 --> 00:26:50,275 [audience laughing] 595 00:26:50,358 --> 00:26:51,568 You know what I mean? 596 00:26:54,446 --> 00:26:55,614 [chuckles] 597 00:26:56,323 --> 00:26:57,824 And I woke up after surgery, 598 00:26:57,907 --> 00:27:00,327 and they had me on an IV drip of ketamine. 599 00:27:00,827 --> 00:27:03,204 I don't know if you've done ketamine before, one person does. 600 00:27:03,288 --> 00:27:07,250 'Cause if… if you've done it you can't contain yourself 601 00:27:07,334 --> 00:27:09,753 after somebody brings it up. 602 00:27:10,837 --> 00:27:12,130 For everybody else, 603 00:27:12,213 --> 00:27:15,258 the best way I can describe ketamine is, if I had two appendixes, 604 00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:17,093 I'd try to rupture that other one. 605 00:27:17,177 --> 00:27:19,137 [audience laughing] 606 00:27:20,555 --> 00:27:23,308 [chuckles] Just so I could do ketamine one more time, 607 00:27:23,391 --> 00:27:25,602 'cause that was honestly a lot of fun. 608 00:27:27,896 --> 00:27:30,857 I could close my eyes and immediately go into a dream. 609 00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:34,903 I'd open my eyes, tell my wife all these things I saw. 610 00:27:34,986 --> 00:27:36,237 There was a lot of things 611 00:27:36,321 --> 00:27:39,074 and she'd be like, "Your eyes were closed for 10 seconds." 612 00:27:40,367 --> 00:27:44,037 "I don't know what to tell you, I've been doing some time travelling and…" 613 00:27:45,246 --> 00:27:47,791 "There's some darkness coming, that's all I can tell you." 614 00:27:48,375 --> 00:27:50,293 [chuckles] It's getting dark. 615 00:27:52,462 --> 00:27:53,296 I know people, 616 00:27:53,380 --> 00:27:56,341 I bet I could get some ketamine if I started asking around. 617 00:27:57,258 --> 00:28:00,178 But I don't really want to be doing ketamine at the house. 618 00:28:01,012 --> 00:28:03,181 It's fun to do drugs in the hospital. 619 00:28:03,264 --> 00:28:04,849 You do some, you start freaking out, 620 00:28:04,933 --> 00:28:06,810 then they give you something to correct yourself. 621 00:28:07,894 --> 00:28:09,187 You freak out with your friends 622 00:28:09,270 --> 00:28:11,481 they're like, "Get out before you ruin the whole party." 623 00:28:11,564 --> 00:28:13,316 [audience laughing] 624 00:28:14,275 --> 00:28:18,029 [chuckles] "We're not driving you to the hospital tonight, get out of here." 625 00:28:18,113 --> 00:28:20,240 [chuckles] You know what I mean? Okay. 626 00:28:20,323 --> 00:28:21,825 [audience laughing] 627 00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:25,870 So I don't have an appendix now, and uh… 628 00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:28,790 They say you can live without it and I guess that's true. 629 00:28:29,582 --> 00:28:31,543 But I could also live without my feet. 630 00:28:31,626 --> 00:28:32,752 You know what I mean? 631 00:28:34,671 --> 00:28:37,799 -I sure like having those things. -[audience laughing] 632 00:28:41,344 --> 00:28:44,139 [audience laughing] 633 00:28:46,057 --> 00:28:47,434 We're having a good time. 634 00:28:48,977 --> 00:28:52,522 [audience cheering and clapping] 635 00:28:55,567 --> 00:28:57,152 I did a TED Talk one time. 636 00:28:57,235 --> 00:28:58,987 I've done a lot of unintentional TED Talks, 637 00:28:59,070 --> 00:29:00,488 but I did one on purpose. 638 00:29:00,572 --> 00:29:02,824 If you don't know, it's where people stand on stage 639 00:29:02,907 --> 00:29:04,784 and talk and nobody laughs. 640 00:29:06,536 --> 00:29:10,123 I've done it a few times unintentionally, but one time I did a TED Talk. 641 00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:13,793 And it was a TED Talk on, "We're having a good time." 642 00:29:13,877 --> 00:29:15,879 You know, like, the power of positive thinking. 643 00:29:15,962 --> 00:29:18,631 No matter what's going on, you say, "We're having a good time." 644 00:29:18,715 --> 00:29:19,841 and you'll feel better. 645 00:29:19,924 --> 00:29:21,050 Very deep stuff. 646 00:29:21,134 --> 00:29:23,178 [audience laughing] 647 00:29:23,261 --> 00:29:26,055 So I agreed to do it, and then I ruptured my appendix. 648 00:29:26,556 --> 00:29:29,893 I'm laying in the hospital, like, "I don't know if I believe this anymore." 649 00:29:29,976 --> 00:29:31,478 [audience laughing] 650 00:29:31,561 --> 00:29:32,479 You know? 651 00:29:33,354 --> 00:29:36,691 But I had already agreed to it. So I was like, "I'm gonna do it." 652 00:29:36,775 --> 00:29:38,777 So I wrote out this great 15 min TED Talk. 653 00:29:38,860 --> 00:29:40,862 It was very good. One of the best I bet. 654 00:29:43,573 --> 00:29:45,700 And I gave myself two days to memorize it, 655 00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:47,076 which is not enough time. 656 00:29:48,161 --> 00:29:49,496 Maybe for you, not for me. 657 00:29:50,163 --> 00:29:52,165 So I show up to the venue, I get on the stage. 658 00:29:52,248 --> 00:29:53,792 I'm up there for about two minutes, 659 00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:56,211 and then I forget the rest of that TED Talk. 660 00:29:56,294 --> 00:29:58,671 So I forgot 13 of the 15 minutes. 661 00:30:00,215 --> 00:30:03,676 And I'm just standing there, and I just start doing jokes. 662 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,095 [audience laughing] 663 00:30:06,179 --> 00:30:08,681 I'm like, I'm not about to bomb this TED Talk here. 664 00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:12,602 So it's very funny, it just doesn't make a lot of sense. 665 00:30:13,228 --> 00:30:15,647 One minute, I'm talking about the power of positive thinking, 666 00:30:15,730 --> 00:30:18,316 the next, I'm talking about growing up in a trailer park, 667 00:30:18,399 --> 00:30:20,527 making a lot of loose connections. 668 00:30:22,070 --> 00:30:23,738 It's on YouTube, don't watch it. 669 00:30:26,533 --> 00:30:28,159 On the day we're doing the TED Talk, 670 00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:31,371 there's several people doing TED Talks, one right after another, 671 00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:33,122 and the girl who went on before me 672 00:30:33,206 --> 00:30:36,125 is talking a lot about pooping in a David's Bridal. 673 00:30:36,209 --> 00:30:37,085 Right? 674 00:30:38,253 --> 00:30:39,879 I'm sure it was very good. 675 00:30:39,963 --> 00:30:41,589 I wasn't able to listen to the whole thing. 676 00:30:41,673 --> 00:30:44,175 I was in the back trying to memorize my own TED Talk. 677 00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:49,180 But I just kept hearing her talk about pooping in a David's Bridal. 678 00:30:50,014 --> 00:30:52,225 Something big went down that day, that's all I know. 679 00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:55,603 And… 680 00:30:55,687 --> 00:30:58,690 When I go out, I'm just trying to break the ice a little bit, 681 00:30:58,773 --> 00:31:01,693 and I'm like, "Hey, I pooped in a lot of David's Bridals." 682 00:31:01,776 --> 00:31:03,736 [audience laughing] 683 00:31:06,114 --> 00:31:08,032 And when my TED Talk came out, 684 00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:09,659 they left that part in. 685 00:31:09,742 --> 00:31:11,452 [audience laughing] 686 00:31:12,704 --> 00:31:14,080 With no context. 687 00:31:22,380 --> 00:31:24,215 They have no idea that the girl before me 688 00:31:24,299 --> 00:31:26,593 talked a lot about pooping in a David's Bridal. 689 00:31:28,011 --> 00:31:30,221 You don't even know anyone went before me. 690 00:31:31,639 --> 00:31:34,601 For all you know, I was the one and only speaker that night. 691 00:31:35,727 --> 00:31:37,687 It was my night to do a TED Talk. 692 00:31:38,187 --> 00:31:41,065 People bought tickets just to see my TED Talk. 693 00:31:41,149 --> 00:31:42,525 And I decided to open with, 694 00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:44,861 "Hey, I pooped in a lot of David's Bridals." 695 00:31:44,944 --> 00:31:46,905 [audience laughing] 696 00:31:46,988 --> 00:31:49,741 [audience clapping] 697 00:31:49,824 --> 00:31:51,826 And then never mention it again. 698 00:31:53,661 --> 00:31:55,663 I don't bring it back around at the end. 699 00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,040 Put a little bow on it. 700 00:31:57,123 --> 00:31:59,792 "And that's why I pooped in a lot of David's Bridals." 701 00:32:00,793 --> 00:32:01,794 [chuckles] 702 00:32:06,049 --> 00:32:07,800 But a lot of people have seen it. 703 00:32:09,135 --> 00:32:10,845 They keep watching that thing. 704 00:32:11,429 --> 00:32:13,806 I wish they wouldn't, but they keep watching it. 705 00:32:15,308 --> 00:32:17,352 I don't know how long they're watching it. 706 00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:18,728 I don't dig into those metrics. 707 00:32:18,811 --> 00:32:21,022 I don't like to see how long people are watching things. 708 00:32:21,105 --> 00:32:22,565 One time I checked my website, 709 00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,151 I wanted to see how long people are on my website for some reason. 710 00:32:25,234 --> 00:32:26,819 I don't know why I wanted to know that. 711 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:30,198 I checked and it is a shockingly low amount of time. 712 00:32:32,033 --> 00:32:34,452 It seems like every person who clicks on my website, 713 00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:35,578 goes, "Oh, whoops." 714 00:32:35,662 --> 00:32:37,622 [audience laughing] 715 00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:41,042 I don't know how I got here, but… 716 00:32:41,793 --> 00:32:43,378 Must be a typo, let's get out of here. 717 00:32:44,629 --> 00:32:47,715 But my website is dustyslay.com 718 00:32:47,799 --> 00:32:49,968 And that makes sense 'cause that's my name. 719 00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:54,514 But I opened this website with GoDaddy.com years ago. 720 00:32:55,056 --> 00:32:58,267 And I had some problems with it, so I had to call GoDaddy. 721 00:32:58,351 --> 00:33:01,187 I'm talking to him, and I don't know if I'm talking to Daddy 722 00:33:01,270 --> 00:33:02,188 or not, but… 723 00:33:02,271 --> 00:33:04,273 [audience laughing] 724 00:33:04,857 --> 00:33:06,275 [chuckles] 725 00:33:07,652 --> 00:33:08,569 [chuckles] 726 00:33:09,779 --> 00:33:12,407 They were reading off my website back to me and they go, 727 00:33:12,490 --> 00:33:15,243 "So it's Dusty's Lay.com." 728 00:33:15,326 --> 00:33:17,996 [audience laughing] 729 00:33:20,248 --> 00:33:22,542 I'm like, "Well, it's not that kinda website." 730 00:33:22,625 --> 00:33:24,419 [audience laughing] 731 00:33:25,003 --> 00:33:26,754 But that may be the problem, right? 732 00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:30,842 People think they're going to Dusty's Lay.com 733 00:33:31,342 --> 00:33:32,343 and they click on it 734 00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:34,929 and I'm like, "Hey, I pooped in a lot of David's Bridals." 735 00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:38,016 [audience laughing] 736 00:33:38,099 --> 00:33:41,019 [audience cheering] 737 00:33:41,728 --> 00:33:44,147 And they're like, "Oh, back, back, back, back." 738 00:33:44,230 --> 00:33:45,314 [audience laughing] 739 00:33:45,398 --> 00:33:47,400 Clearing out the search history. 740 00:33:48,067 --> 00:33:49,610 [chuckles] 741 00:33:51,362 --> 00:33:52,280 I don't know. 742 00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:56,159 [man laughs] 743 00:33:56,242 --> 00:33:57,493 We're having a good time. 744 00:33:57,577 --> 00:33:59,245 [audience laughing] 745 00:33:59,328 --> 00:34:01,456 That laugh came out of nowhere, didn't it? 746 00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:03,458 [audience cheering] 747 00:34:03,541 --> 00:34:04,834 We didn't see that one coming. 748 00:34:08,046 --> 00:34:10,339 I go out to the woods a lot and um… 749 00:34:11,257 --> 00:34:12,800 [audience member] Whoo! 750 00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,136 Lately, I've been picking up a lot of ticks. 751 00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:17,930 Not like a nervous tick, but like an insect. 752 00:34:18,014 --> 00:34:19,223 [audience laughing] 753 00:34:19,307 --> 00:34:21,267 I get ticks in weird places, man. 754 00:34:21,350 --> 00:34:23,811 I got a tick on a body part that rhymes with tick. 755 00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:25,897 [audience laughing] 756 00:34:26,522 --> 00:34:28,608 That's not as fun as you'd think it'd be. 757 00:34:29,734 --> 00:34:33,654 I got worried that I had Lyme disease. And I looked up some symptoms, 758 00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:36,199 and one of the symptoms is you'll be real tired. 759 00:34:37,116 --> 00:34:38,701 I was like, "Dang, I'm tired." 760 00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:41,120 [audience laughing] 761 00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:44,373 Then I realized that I've been tired for a long time, so… 762 00:34:44,457 --> 00:34:46,793 If anything, I gave that tick Lyme disease. 763 00:34:46,876 --> 00:34:49,212 [audience laughing] 764 00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:52,465 I may be the original carrier of Lyme disease. 765 00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:55,009 I'm sorry about that. 766 00:34:56,677 --> 00:34:58,262 I knew I should have killed that tick. 767 00:34:59,138 --> 00:35:01,307 Just flush them down the toilet every time. 768 00:35:01,390 --> 00:35:04,352 Figure if they can live from that, they deserve their life. 769 00:35:05,978 --> 00:35:07,980 I used to play out in the woods a lot as a kid. 770 00:35:08,064 --> 00:35:09,565 We weren't afraid of ticks back then, 771 00:35:09,649 --> 00:35:12,652 we were afraid of real stuff like snakes and bears. 772 00:35:12,735 --> 00:35:15,738 My parents had me afraid of falling into an old well. 773 00:35:18,866 --> 00:35:20,243 That was our big fear. 774 00:35:20,326 --> 00:35:21,577 "You fall into an old well, 775 00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:23,746 people won't find you for three or four days." 776 00:35:23,830 --> 00:35:25,665 I'm like, "Three or four days?" 777 00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:28,501 "How about if I don't come home tonight… 778 00:35:28,584 --> 00:35:30,545 [audience laughing] 779 00:35:32,004 --> 00:35:33,548 …you go looking for me?" 780 00:35:34,924 --> 00:35:37,510 "Like I'm not a world traveler out here." 781 00:35:39,095 --> 00:35:41,347 "You got a pretty good idea of where I'm gonna be." 782 00:35:42,348 --> 00:35:45,560 "Maybe walk around out there, listen for somebody going, 'Help!'" 783 00:35:46,561 --> 00:35:49,230 "'Help!' That'll be me trapped in an old well." 784 00:35:49,313 --> 00:35:51,023 [audience laughing] 785 00:35:52,525 --> 00:35:54,235 It's gotta be an old well, though. 786 00:35:55,278 --> 00:35:58,239 New well, people just come by, crank you right out of there. 787 00:36:00,533 --> 00:36:03,244 Old well, people just come by, throw change in there. 788 00:36:05,121 --> 00:36:07,331 You make a little money down in an old well. 789 00:36:09,500 --> 00:36:12,003 Tough to spend it, but you can make it down there. 790 00:36:15,047 --> 00:36:16,507 People come try to rescue you, 791 00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:19,051 they're like, "You're too heavy. Drop all that change." 792 00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:22,722 "Nah, you come back with stronger people." 793 00:36:22,805 --> 00:36:24,390 [audience laughing] 794 00:36:24,473 --> 00:36:26,475 "I made this money down here." 795 00:36:27,226 --> 00:36:29,645 "I'm down here doing well." You know what I mean? 796 00:36:30,771 --> 00:36:32,106 [laughing and cheering] 797 00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:35,484 Thank you. Thank you. 798 00:36:39,697 --> 00:36:41,991 I grew up in Alabama, that's where I'm from and… 799 00:36:42,074 --> 00:36:44,118 [audience members cheering] 800 00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:45,661 Thank you, thank you. All right. 801 00:36:46,245 --> 00:36:48,372 My dad still lives there. My dad lives on a farm. 802 00:36:48,456 --> 00:36:51,500 And he used to have this field, where he had this big ditch 803 00:36:51,584 --> 00:36:54,503 where he used to throw a lot of trash and old appliances 804 00:36:54,587 --> 00:36:56,339 and paint cans and stuff like that. 805 00:36:56,422 --> 00:36:58,758 He's a big environmentalist, and uh… 806 00:36:59,717 --> 00:37:01,427 That ditch was just full of stuff. 807 00:37:01,928 --> 00:37:05,431 One day, this guy came along, and he wanted to dig around in that ditch. 808 00:37:05,514 --> 00:37:08,643 My dad was like, "Nah, there ain't anything worth digging around in there." 809 00:37:08,726 --> 00:37:11,854 The guy was like, "Nah, man, I love digging around in stuff like that." 810 00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:15,149 So my dad was like, "All right. If you love it, you love it." 811 00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:16,734 "Go dig around down there." 812 00:37:16,817 --> 00:37:19,779 So the guy goes down there, starts digging around in that ditch. 813 00:37:19,862 --> 00:37:22,698 About a half hour later, my dad hears this big explosion. 814 00:37:23,449 --> 00:37:26,661 And he looks down there and can see that the ditch has blown up. 815 00:37:27,328 --> 00:37:30,206 Turns out what happened was the guy got way deep down in that ditch 816 00:37:30,289 --> 00:37:32,458 and it got real dark and he couldn't see. 817 00:37:32,541 --> 00:37:35,294 He didn't have a flashlight, so he pulled out a lighter. 818 00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,589 Apparently there was a lot of gas and fumes in there. 819 00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:42,301 So when that guy struck that lighter, that ditch just blew up. 820 00:37:42,385 --> 00:37:44,595 With that guy inside. [chuckles] 821 00:37:45,972 --> 00:37:46,889 [chuckles] 822 00:37:46,973 --> 00:37:49,558 [audience laughing] 823 00:37:50,142 --> 00:37:51,978 I was like, "Dang, was that guy okay?" 824 00:37:52,061 --> 00:37:54,522 My dad was like, "Yeah, he was a little disoriented, but, uh…" 825 00:37:54,605 --> 00:37:56,399 [audience laughing] 826 00:37:56,482 --> 00:37:57,483 "He was okay." 827 00:37:58,693 --> 00:38:00,903 Then that's all he ever really said about it. 828 00:38:02,154 --> 00:38:03,364 I don't know. 829 00:38:05,491 --> 00:38:08,452 One time, when I was a little kid, I was about this old, eight or so. 830 00:38:08,536 --> 00:38:10,413 I don't know how old that is and uh… 831 00:38:10,496 --> 00:38:12,248 [audience laughing] 832 00:38:12,957 --> 00:38:15,167 Me and my dad we were cleaning out this swimming pool, 833 00:38:15,251 --> 00:38:17,837 and my dad had a pool vacuum, I had a little net. 834 00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:20,464 We're trying to clean it up and there's this bullfrog in the pool. 835 00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:22,425 We want to catch it, and set it free. 836 00:38:22,508 --> 00:38:24,552 We want to save that frog's life. 837 00:38:24,635 --> 00:38:27,096 So I jump in there, try to catch it, it's too fast. 838 00:38:27,179 --> 00:38:29,682 Try to scoop it out with a net, it keeps jumping out. 839 00:38:29,765 --> 00:38:31,142 And my dad had this idea. 840 00:38:31,225 --> 00:38:35,229 He thought the frog would be too big to get sucked up the pool vacuum. 841 00:38:36,397 --> 00:38:39,108 So he thought he could just catch it like this. 842 00:38:39,817 --> 00:38:43,070 Then that frog just kind of ride the suction on up to the top. 843 00:38:43,154 --> 00:38:45,031 Then we take it off and set it free. 844 00:38:45,531 --> 00:38:46,574 That was the dream. 845 00:38:46,657 --> 00:38:48,909 [audience laughing] 846 00:38:48,993 --> 00:38:52,246 But it turns out that frog was not too big to get sucked up. 847 00:38:52,330 --> 00:38:54,040 I don't know who saw that coming. 848 00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:56,334 Sucked up right away. 849 00:38:57,501 --> 00:38:59,045 I remember seeing it come up the hose, 850 00:38:59,128 --> 00:39:01,172 it was stretching it out all along the way. 851 00:39:01,922 --> 00:39:03,507 Real cartoon-like. 852 00:39:04,592 --> 00:39:05,926 Like a snake had eaten it. 853 00:39:07,219 --> 00:39:11,140 And then when the frog got to the top, it was all busted open and it had died. 854 00:39:11,223 --> 00:39:12,808 [audience laughing] 855 00:39:12,892 --> 00:39:13,934 [chuckles] 856 00:39:14,643 --> 00:39:16,729 That's not what we wanted to happen, but… 857 00:39:17,355 --> 00:39:18,981 The frog did die that day. 858 00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:22,735 My dad also used to have this VHS camcorder 859 00:39:22,818 --> 00:39:25,321 and he used to film everything. He filmed everything. 860 00:39:25,404 --> 00:39:28,407 I found a tape labelled, "Christmas and court." 861 00:39:28,491 --> 00:39:31,285 [audience laughing] 862 00:39:32,411 --> 00:39:35,039 I was like, "Dang, the holidays took a turn, huh?" 863 00:39:36,457 --> 00:39:38,793 You don't wanna just start a new tape, I guess. 864 00:39:40,044 --> 00:39:41,754 Trying to keep it alphabetical. 865 00:39:44,507 --> 00:39:45,800 I'm digging through these tapes, 866 00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:49,178 he had a bunch of tapes, and I find this one and start watching it. 867 00:39:49,261 --> 00:39:52,098 I come across this video, and it's of me and my dad talking, 868 00:39:52,181 --> 00:39:53,933 I'm still a little kid, you know. 869 00:39:54,016 --> 00:39:56,143 And we're talking all about the frog day. 870 00:39:56,227 --> 00:39:58,687 We get to the very end and then my dad goes, 871 00:39:58,771 --> 00:40:00,523 "And then it just hopped away." 872 00:40:01,899 --> 00:40:03,818 And you could see my face change. 873 00:40:04,902 --> 00:40:07,071 Like knowing that my dad was lying, 874 00:40:07,154 --> 00:40:09,490 but also not knowing how to correct my dad. 875 00:40:10,074 --> 00:40:11,909 So I'm just like, "Mm-hmm." 876 00:40:13,369 --> 00:40:15,287 So I guess what I'm trying to say is, 877 00:40:15,371 --> 00:40:17,665 I think that guy died in that ditch that day. 878 00:40:17,748 --> 00:40:19,875 [audience laughing] 879 00:40:19,959 --> 00:40:23,295 -[audience clapping and cheering] -All right. 880 00:40:23,379 --> 00:40:24,255 All right. 881 00:40:28,843 --> 00:40:30,386 That's what I think happened. 882 00:40:30,928 --> 00:40:33,472 There could be hundreds of bodies out there, I don't know. 883 00:40:34,014 --> 00:40:36,142 I don't know how long that's been going on. 884 00:40:36,767 --> 00:40:37,643 [chuckles] 885 00:40:38,811 --> 00:40:41,981 Maybe that's why I love country music. I don't know the connection, but… 886 00:40:43,190 --> 00:40:44,400 could be something there. 887 00:40:45,901 --> 00:40:47,570 I do love country music. 888 00:40:47,653 --> 00:40:49,363 -[audience members cheering] -All right. 889 00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:51,449 That's four people. That's not bad. 890 00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:54,410 A room this size, you get four country fans. 891 00:40:54,493 --> 00:40:56,745 -That's what I'm talking about. -[audience laughing] 892 00:40:57,621 --> 00:40:59,999 I love country. Country is the one genre of music 893 00:41:00,082 --> 00:41:03,043 people tell you they don't like, even when you didn't ask. 894 00:41:04,044 --> 00:41:05,754 You're like, "What kind of music you like?" 895 00:41:05,838 --> 00:41:07,298 "Everything but country." 896 00:41:08,257 --> 00:41:11,135 Oh, everything, huh? Big polka fan, I guess. 897 00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:12,428 [audience laughing] 898 00:41:13,012 --> 00:41:14,930 Really into acid jazz. 899 00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:19,393 [chuckles] I can't wait to see you at that Enya concert later. 900 00:41:20,811 --> 00:41:22,938 -You guys remember Enya? -[a couple of people cheer] 901 00:41:23,022 --> 00:41:25,941 I was listening to Enya a little bit, early 2000s. 902 00:41:26,025 --> 00:41:28,277 I was living in a trailer for the second time. 903 00:41:29,153 --> 00:41:31,363 I was doing some drugs. You know what I mean? 904 00:41:32,156 --> 00:41:33,782 Getting paranoid in the daytime. 905 00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:38,120 I tore up some mini-blinds in there. 906 00:41:38,204 --> 00:41:40,831 [audience laughing] 907 00:41:40,915 --> 00:41:42,333 "What's going on out there?" 908 00:41:46,337 --> 00:41:48,339 I'm worse on blinds than a cat, man. 909 00:41:51,091 --> 00:41:54,678 I don't know how familiar you are with trailers, but they're narrow. 910 00:41:54,762 --> 00:41:57,306 You can go side to side quick checking mini-blinds. 911 00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:02,019 From the couch to the love seat, back to the couch. 912 00:42:02,645 --> 00:42:04,104 What's going out there? 913 00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:08,943 You ever been so paranoid inside in the daytime? 914 00:42:09,026 --> 00:42:09,985 Then you go outside, 915 00:42:10,069 --> 00:42:12,279 and go, "Actually, it's a pretty nice day out here." 916 00:42:13,739 --> 00:42:15,866 [chuckles] Inside, you're worried people are coming, 917 00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:18,077 outside, you're like, "I wish some people would come." 918 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:19,620 [audience laughing] 919 00:42:20,204 --> 00:42:21,372 "I could use a friend." 920 00:42:23,707 --> 00:42:27,545 But I love country. I've been listening to this Travis Tritt song recently. 921 00:42:27,628 --> 00:42:30,756 A song called, "The Whiskey Ain't Workin' Anymore." 922 00:42:31,298 --> 00:42:34,593 I don't know if heard that song. Came out in the '90s. Real classic hit. 923 00:42:35,094 --> 00:42:36,887 "The Whiskey Ain't Workin' Anymore." 924 00:42:37,471 --> 00:42:40,140 -[couple of audience members cheering] -Two, three people? Good. 925 00:42:40,224 --> 00:42:42,434 -[man shouting] Yeah! -All right, there it is. 926 00:42:42,518 --> 00:42:44,603 [audience laughing] 927 00:42:45,479 --> 00:42:47,565 That might be Travis Tritt, I don't know. 928 00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:49,567 [audience laughing] 929 00:42:51,151 --> 00:42:52,194 [audience cheering] 930 00:42:54,113 --> 00:42:55,322 [Dusty chuckling] 931 00:42:58,576 --> 00:42:59,702 [chuckles] 932 00:43:01,036 --> 00:43:03,163 It's called "The Whiskey Ain't Working Anymore." 933 00:43:03,247 --> 00:43:06,166 It came out in the '90s. Classic song. I've heard a million times. 934 00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:07,459 The other day I'm listening, 935 00:43:07,543 --> 00:43:09,503 I caught a lyric in there I had not heard before. 936 00:43:09,587 --> 00:43:10,838 This is what he says, he goes, 937 00:43:10,921 --> 00:43:15,217 "A woman warm and willing, that's what I'm looking for." 938 00:43:15,301 --> 00:43:16,885 [audience laughing] 939 00:43:17,511 --> 00:43:21,307 I was like, "Dang, those are some low standards right there." 940 00:43:22,933 --> 00:43:25,769 I mean, that's as low as it gets, man. 941 00:43:26,854 --> 00:43:28,105 Warm and willing. 942 00:43:28,939 --> 00:43:31,650 You know, warm, like, alive. 943 00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:38,032 Or maybe has just died. I don't know. 944 00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:43,329 I don't know how long it takes a body to get cold. 945 00:43:46,123 --> 00:43:49,668 I had a mortician at one of my shows. She goes, "A lot longer than you think." 946 00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:54,089 And I had not spent a lot of time thinking about it. 947 00:43:55,549 --> 00:43:58,636 I don't think a mortician should be dealing with warm bodies. 948 00:43:59,386 --> 00:44:02,473 If you're dealing with a warm body, you got there too quick. 949 00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:04,808 You know something. 950 00:44:05,976 --> 00:44:07,811 Like if I show up to the morgue and I'm warm 951 00:44:07,895 --> 00:44:09,897 I want you to give me a little shake. 952 00:44:11,023 --> 00:44:12,775 'Cause I've slept hard before. 953 00:44:12,858 --> 00:44:14,610 [audience laughing] 954 00:44:15,819 --> 00:44:17,279 Make sure I'm dead. 955 00:44:18,238 --> 00:44:20,658 Don't be embalming a warm body, you know? 956 00:44:22,076 --> 00:44:23,827 That's something I've always said. 957 00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:25,621 [audience laughing] 958 00:44:28,624 --> 00:44:30,334 There's another Travis Tritt song I like. 959 00:44:30,417 --> 00:44:33,045 This one's called, "It's a Great Day to be Alive." 960 00:44:33,128 --> 00:44:35,631 -[audience members cheering] -It's a great song. 961 00:44:35,714 --> 00:44:37,466 It is a fun song. One of my favorites. 962 00:44:37,549 --> 00:44:41,011 But, in that song, he doesn't say, "It's a great day to be alive," 963 00:44:41,095 --> 00:44:42,721 until you get to the chorus. 964 00:44:42,805 --> 00:44:45,307 And if you just listen to the first verse of that song, 965 00:44:45,391 --> 00:44:47,810 you would not think that's what he's about to say. 966 00:44:47,893 --> 00:44:48,811 [audience laughing] 967 00:44:48,894 --> 00:44:50,896 The song starts off with him going, 968 00:44:50,979 --> 00:44:54,108 "I got rice cookin' in the microwave." 969 00:44:55,859 --> 00:44:57,861 I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, 970 00:44:57,945 --> 00:45:00,572 but that's not really a start to a great day, is it? 971 00:45:00,656 --> 00:45:01,573 [audience laughing] 972 00:45:02,908 --> 00:45:05,536 If that's a great day, what were you up to yesterday? 973 00:45:06,245 --> 00:45:08,372 Just sitting around eating dry rice… 974 00:45:10,749 --> 00:45:12,084 "Dang, this is not good." 975 00:45:14,128 --> 00:45:17,047 If you're making a list of things that made your day great, 976 00:45:17,131 --> 00:45:19,675 I don't think microwaveable rice makes the list. 977 00:45:21,593 --> 00:45:24,763 Little while later in the song, he says he's making a homemade soup. 978 00:45:24,847 --> 00:45:27,766 I got to question what kind of soup you're really making. 979 00:45:27,850 --> 00:45:31,061 You're making a homemade soup but you can't boil a pot of rice? 980 00:45:31,145 --> 00:45:32,771 [audience laughing] 981 00:45:33,939 --> 00:45:35,023 I don't think so. 982 00:45:36,525 --> 00:45:38,527 He talks about how good he's doing, then he says, 983 00:45:38,610 --> 00:45:40,779 "Neither drink nor drug induced." 984 00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:42,656 That sounds like he's doing drugs. 985 00:45:42,740 --> 00:45:44,074 [audience laughing] 986 00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:46,577 Your friends that don't do drugs don't tell you they're happy 987 00:45:46,660 --> 00:45:48,662 and then say, "I'm not doing drugs." 988 00:45:50,122 --> 00:45:52,332 He says two times in the first verse, 989 00:45:52,416 --> 00:45:53,751 "I'm doing all right." 990 00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:57,504 Are you doing all right or is it a great day to be alive? 991 00:45:57,588 --> 00:45:59,298 [audience laughing] 992 00:45:59,381 --> 00:46:01,216 'Cause those are not the same thing. 993 00:46:02,050 --> 00:46:05,304 Imagine you're at work and a coworker comes in and goes, 994 00:46:05,387 --> 00:46:07,306 "It's a great day to be alive." 995 00:46:07,389 --> 00:46:11,018 You're like, "Dang! How you doing today?" And they're like, "Ah, I'm all right." 996 00:46:11,101 --> 00:46:13,896 [audience laughing] 997 00:46:14,855 --> 00:46:15,939 You know what I mean? 998 00:46:17,149 --> 00:46:19,151 I love work small talk like that. 999 00:46:19,651 --> 00:46:21,487 Work small talk is my favorite. I loved it. 1000 00:46:21,570 --> 00:46:23,697 I loved to walk into a Lowe's back in the day, be like, 1001 00:46:23,781 --> 00:46:25,908 "All right, just living the dream!" 1002 00:46:27,117 --> 00:46:28,660 "Another day, another dollar." 1003 00:46:29,912 --> 00:46:31,580 "Workin' hard or hardly workin'?" 1004 00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:36,418 Those are my three favorites, I like to rotate those throughout the day. 1005 00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:39,630 I'd go into this one Lowe's, talk to the same guy every time. 1006 00:46:39,713 --> 00:46:40,756 Every time he'd do this. 1007 00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:44,051 I'd go, "How you doing today?" He goes, "If I was any better I'd be you." 1008 00:46:44,676 --> 00:46:47,471 I'd like to go, "Well, I'm not doing good." 1009 00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,556 [audience laughing] 1010 00:46:53,477 --> 00:46:54,436 [chuckles] 1011 00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:55,479 [audience cheering] 1012 00:46:55,562 --> 00:46:56,730 "So I'm sorry to hear." 1013 00:46:58,190 --> 00:46:59,525 "So I'm sorry to hear it." 1014 00:47:00,192 --> 00:47:01,819 I like small talk in general. 1015 00:47:01,902 --> 00:47:03,862 A lot of people say, if you talk about the weather, 1016 00:47:03,946 --> 00:47:07,699 you've run out of things to talk about, but I like to lead with weather. 1017 00:47:08,951 --> 00:47:10,869 Weather is what I want to talk about. 1018 00:47:11,870 --> 00:47:13,831 Like if I go outside and it's real hot, 1019 00:47:13,914 --> 00:47:16,333 I have to say it out loud. I can't just think it. 1020 00:47:17,084 --> 00:47:18,502 I have to go, "Dang! 1021 00:47:19,837 --> 00:47:20,754 "It's hot!" 1022 00:47:22,130 --> 00:47:24,132 Even when I'm alone, I have to say it. 1023 00:47:26,510 --> 00:47:29,596 Then if I see anybody on the street, I'll try to make eye contact. 1024 00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:31,223 "Oh, it's hot out here, huh?" 1025 00:47:33,016 --> 00:47:35,978 And if they're into it, we'll talk about the weather for a while. 1026 00:47:36,562 --> 00:47:39,439 I'll start telling them about weather of other places I've been. 1027 00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:43,193 It's hot here, but last week I was in Michigan. 1028 00:47:43,277 --> 00:47:44,194 Guess what? 1029 00:47:44,278 --> 00:47:45,153 It was cold. 1030 00:47:45,237 --> 00:47:46,738 [audience laughing] 1031 00:47:47,406 --> 00:47:48,323 You believe that? 1032 00:47:49,825 --> 00:47:53,036 Then I pull out my phone, I show him a screenshot of the weather. 1033 00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:54,872 [audience laughing] 1034 00:47:54,955 --> 00:47:57,207 I'll hold it there until they acknowledge it. 1035 00:47:58,959 --> 00:48:00,836 "Sorry, that locked up on you there." 1036 00:48:00,919 --> 00:48:03,130 [audience laughing] 1037 00:48:04,673 --> 00:48:06,842 "Didn't realize I was holding it for two minutes." 1038 00:48:09,261 --> 00:48:10,262 [chuckles] 1039 00:48:10,846 --> 00:48:13,599 I was in Phoenix one time, it was 118 degrees. 1040 00:48:14,141 --> 00:48:16,518 I carried that screenshot around for about four years. 1041 00:48:16,602 --> 00:48:18,896 [audience laughing] 1042 00:48:18,979 --> 00:48:21,732 Anytime I told someone this story, I'd go, "Hold on, hold on." 1043 00:48:22,566 --> 00:48:25,152 They're like, "We believe you." I'm like "Nah, nah, nah." 1044 00:48:25,235 --> 00:48:28,113 -[audience laughing] -"Nah, you got see it, though." 1045 00:48:29,948 --> 00:48:32,159 "Yeah, it's in here somewhere, I'll find it." 1046 00:48:34,912 --> 00:48:37,372 There's a country song by George Strait called, "The Fireman." 1047 00:48:37,456 --> 00:48:39,833 He goes, "They call me The Fireman. That's my name." 1048 00:48:39,917 --> 00:48:42,711 Well, is that your name or that what they call you, 'cause…? 1049 00:48:42,794 --> 00:48:44,171 [audience laughing] 1050 00:48:44,796 --> 00:48:47,341 If that's your name, explains why they been calling you that. 1051 00:48:48,717 --> 00:48:50,719 They call me Dusty. That's my name. 1052 00:48:52,804 --> 00:48:55,390 There's another song I like by a band called Lonestar. 1053 00:48:55,474 --> 00:48:57,851 This song is called, "I'm Already There." 1054 00:48:58,477 --> 00:49:02,064 Don't know if you heard that song before. Most dramatic country song of all time. 1055 00:49:02,147 --> 00:49:03,565 [audience cheering] 1056 00:49:03,649 --> 00:49:05,192 Very dramatic song. 1057 00:49:05,901 --> 00:49:06,985 Guy leaves for the weekend, 1058 00:49:07,069 --> 00:49:09,154 you think he's going for the rest of his life. 1059 00:49:09,863 --> 00:49:12,616 If you haven't heard the song, it's about a guy out working the road. 1060 00:49:12,699 --> 00:49:15,702 I don't think he says what he's doing. I imagine it's music. 1061 00:49:16,244 --> 00:49:19,581 And he misses his family 'cause he's on the road and I get that. 1062 00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:22,417 He says he calls his wife from a lonely cold hotel room. 1063 00:49:22,918 --> 00:49:25,295 Which seems like a booking issue to me. 1064 00:49:25,379 --> 00:49:27,381 [audience laughing] 1065 00:49:27,464 --> 00:49:30,008 It's not hard to find a hotel with heat these days. 1066 00:49:30,968 --> 00:49:33,387 That's not even something they advertise anymore. 1067 00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:36,139 Tough to find a hotel without heat, to be honest with you. 1068 00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:39,810 You get a better hotel, you'll still be lonely but comfortable. 1069 00:49:42,354 --> 00:49:45,440 And he's talking to his wife, he's crying, I imagine and uh… 1070 00:49:47,317 --> 00:49:49,111 Then he hears a little kid in the background, 1071 00:49:49,194 --> 00:49:51,780 his kid's small, and his kid gets on the phone and his kid goes, 1072 00:49:51,863 --> 00:49:53,865 "Dad, when you coming home?" 1073 00:49:54,366 --> 00:49:57,703 This is what he says to his kid, he goes, "I'm already there." 1074 00:50:00,205 --> 00:50:02,207 I was like, "Why are you doing that to the kid?" 1075 00:50:02,290 --> 00:50:04,167 [audience laughing] 1076 00:50:04,251 --> 00:50:06,837 That kid's small, man, he doesn't get the poetry you're doing. 1077 00:50:07,963 --> 00:50:10,340 That kid's probably like, "What? You're home?" 1078 00:50:10,424 --> 00:50:11,925 [audience laughing] 1079 00:50:12,009 --> 00:50:14,344 "Why are we doing this weird phone thing here?" 1080 00:50:15,262 --> 00:50:17,723 "Let's get together, let's spend some time together." 1081 00:50:17,806 --> 00:50:19,808 "Play catch or something. Mom said you were gone." 1082 00:50:19,891 --> 00:50:21,351 "I don't know why she said that." 1083 00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:22,686 [audience laughing] 1084 00:50:24,021 --> 00:50:25,897 Then the dad goes, says something like this, 1085 00:50:25,981 --> 00:50:27,941 "I'm the sunshine in your hair, son." 1086 00:50:28,692 --> 00:50:30,652 "I'm the whisper in the wind." 1087 00:50:30,736 --> 00:50:32,738 "I'm the shadow on the ground." 1088 00:50:32,821 --> 00:50:35,532 That kid's probably like, "Mom, what's wrong with Dad?" 1089 00:50:35,615 --> 00:50:37,659 [audience laughing] 1090 00:50:37,743 --> 00:50:39,745 "What is he talking about?" 1091 00:50:41,663 --> 00:50:44,249 Maybe the song's darker than we realize, you know. 1092 00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:48,879 Maybe the dad's like, "Son, I am home. You're my side family and uh…" 1093 00:50:48,962 --> 00:50:52,632 [audience laughing] 1094 00:50:56,344 --> 00:50:59,222 He's like, "I would appreciate if you wouldn't call me at home." 1095 00:50:59,306 --> 00:51:00,432 [audience laughing] 1096 00:51:01,641 --> 00:51:03,560 "I've got a lot going on this weekend." 1097 00:51:04,895 --> 00:51:07,939 "If you want to play catch, play with the sunshine in your hair." 1098 00:51:08,023 --> 00:51:09,357 [audience laughing] 1099 00:51:09,441 --> 00:51:11,443 "See what the shadow on the ground's up to." 1100 00:51:12,819 --> 00:51:15,280 "Have a little chat with the whisper in the wind." 1101 00:51:15,947 --> 00:51:17,074 [chuckles] 1102 00:51:18,784 --> 00:51:20,911 I've talked to whisper in the wind before. 1103 00:51:21,745 --> 00:51:23,455 I'll talk to anybody or anything. 1104 00:51:24,372 --> 00:51:25,457 I love talking. 1105 00:51:25,999 --> 00:51:26,958 Lot of my friends-- 1106 00:51:27,042 --> 00:51:29,836 I take a lot of Ubers and a lot of my friends get mad 1107 00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:32,047 if the Uber driver talks to them too much. 1108 00:51:32,130 --> 00:51:33,381 It's the opposite for me. 1109 00:51:33,965 --> 00:51:36,426 I think the Uber driver gets mad at me for talking. 1110 00:51:37,344 --> 00:51:39,346 He's like, "You want to listen to the radio?" 1111 00:51:39,429 --> 00:51:41,598 I'm like, "No, turn it off." 1112 00:51:41,681 --> 00:51:43,683 [audience laughing] 1113 00:51:44,810 --> 00:51:47,729 "I only got five minutes alone with you in this car." 1114 00:51:48,980 --> 00:51:51,733 "I got a lot of stuff I need to tell a stranger, okay?" 1115 00:51:53,527 --> 00:51:56,404 "I've got a lot of conspiracies I need to get off of my chest." 1116 00:51:57,572 --> 00:51:59,574 "Honestly, my wife is tired of hearing it, so…" 1117 00:52:00,325 --> 00:52:02,494 "I'm not even Ubering anywhere, I'm just…" 1118 00:52:02,577 --> 00:52:04,579 "I'm just Ubering to talk, man." 1119 00:52:07,290 --> 00:52:10,919 I love the car, I like being in the car. I like driving, travelling. 1120 00:52:11,419 --> 00:52:13,130 You ever get a fly in your car? 1121 00:52:14,381 --> 00:52:16,341 And that fly's in there for a while. 1122 00:52:16,842 --> 00:52:19,177 You've been driving down the road, driving for miles, 1123 00:52:19,261 --> 00:52:20,971 that fly's all over the place in there. 1124 00:52:21,721 --> 00:52:24,349 You've been going for miles. All of a sudden, you let that fly out, 1125 00:52:24,432 --> 00:52:26,560 what do you think it's like for that fly? 1126 00:52:28,854 --> 00:52:30,856 Like that fly is way away from home now. 1127 00:52:32,732 --> 00:52:36,903 That'd be like going into a grocery store and coming out in Arkansas. 1128 00:52:36,987 --> 00:52:38,822 [audience laughing] 1129 00:52:40,490 --> 00:52:42,909 "Dang, what happened while I was in there?" 1130 00:52:45,954 --> 00:52:48,165 That fly's got to start a whole new life now. 1131 00:52:51,668 --> 00:52:54,171 You ever do enough drugs to think of something like that? 1132 00:52:54,254 --> 00:52:55,755 [audience laughing] 1133 00:52:56,798 --> 00:52:59,968 [audience cheering] 1134 00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:03,847 All right, lot of drug addicts here tonight. 1135 00:53:03,930 --> 00:53:04,973 I appreciate it. 1136 00:53:07,851 --> 00:53:09,311 But you don't even need drugs now. 1137 00:53:09,394 --> 00:53:11,980 Weed is so strong now, weed is like drugs. 1138 00:53:12,063 --> 00:53:13,148 You know what I mean? 1139 00:53:15,275 --> 00:53:17,152 I don't know what happened to weed. 1140 00:53:17,235 --> 00:53:20,113 Weed used to be a good old fun recreational activity, 1141 00:53:20,197 --> 00:53:21,990 but now it's like hard drugs, man. 1142 00:53:22,824 --> 00:53:25,577 I've done weaker acid than the weed that's out here now. 1143 00:53:25,660 --> 00:53:27,454 -[audience laughing] -[man] Whoo! 1144 00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:31,917 It's true, I used to have a lot of fun with weed when I was younger, 1145 00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:34,002 I could smoke a joint or a blunt with some people. 1146 00:53:34,085 --> 00:53:36,880 We laugh, have a good time. Listen to some music. 1147 00:53:36,963 --> 00:53:40,175 Now I take one hit and I'm walking around in the yard praying. 1148 00:53:40,258 --> 00:53:42,052 [audience laughing] 1149 00:53:43,053 --> 00:53:45,096 I feel like I'm having a heart attack. 1150 00:53:46,097 --> 00:53:47,557 I'm just saying over and over again, 1151 00:53:47,641 --> 00:53:50,518 "Weed's never killed anyone, weed's never killed anyone." 1152 00:53:51,937 --> 00:53:53,939 I don't even know if that's true. 1153 00:53:55,649 --> 00:53:58,985 That used to be true, but I don't know if it's true anymore. 1154 00:53:59,069 --> 00:54:01,738 Guess weed could be killing people, I don't know. 1155 00:54:01,821 --> 00:54:04,157 Weed grew up, got violent, that's all I know. 1156 00:54:04,241 --> 00:54:05,992 [audience laughing] 1157 00:54:09,037 --> 00:54:12,374 I grew up in Alabama and weed used to be scary to get, 1158 00:54:12,457 --> 00:54:13,917 but fun to do. 1159 00:54:14,501 --> 00:54:16,670 Now if you live in a state where it's legal, 1160 00:54:16,753 --> 00:54:19,256 it's like, fun to get but scary to do. 1161 00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:23,927 When I was growing up, if you wanted to get weed, 1162 00:54:24,010 --> 00:54:27,222 you gotta get 10, 25 dollars together, you go to a bad neighborhood, 1163 00:54:27,305 --> 00:54:29,391 some guy would come out, you'd give him the money. 1164 00:54:29,474 --> 00:54:32,018 He may come back with the weed, he may not, right? 1165 00:54:33,311 --> 00:54:34,604 It's 50-50, really. 1166 00:54:35,272 --> 00:54:37,816 You never knew where it'd be in, it'd be in a bag, 1167 00:54:37,899 --> 00:54:39,567 it might be in a coffee filter. 1168 00:54:40,068 --> 00:54:42,904 One guy brought me weed right out of his hand one time. 1169 00:54:42,988 --> 00:54:45,031 [audience laughing] 1170 00:54:46,908 --> 00:54:48,159 [blowing] 1171 00:54:50,203 --> 00:54:52,455 I was like, "I'm not sure you weighed this." 1172 00:54:52,539 --> 00:54:54,541 [audience laughing] 1173 00:54:55,417 --> 00:54:58,670 If you don't have money for bags, you don't have money for scales. 1174 00:54:59,879 --> 00:55:02,632 You might want to think about investing in your business here. 1175 00:55:03,717 --> 00:55:05,969 You're looking to do this long term that is. 1176 00:55:06,886 --> 00:55:09,889 You got the weed, it was fun, easy light weed, you know. 1177 00:55:09,973 --> 00:55:11,975 Nowadays, if you live in a state where it's legal 1178 00:55:12,058 --> 00:55:14,227 buying weed is like a shopping experience. 1179 00:55:14,311 --> 00:55:16,604 You go into a store, it's all well lit. 1180 00:55:16,688 --> 00:55:19,357 It's like a Best Buy or an AT&T store in there. 1181 00:55:19,899 --> 00:55:23,028 Sometimes the cops are there, but to protect the drug dealers. 1182 00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:26,614 Some of these stores are set up like a pharmacy. 1183 00:55:26,698 --> 00:55:28,700 Everybody inside's a little scientist. 1184 00:55:28,783 --> 00:55:31,328 They're telling you about all the different strands of weed. 1185 00:55:31,411 --> 00:55:35,206 One lady was like, "This weed is creative and uplifting." 1186 00:55:35,749 --> 00:55:36,958 I was like, "Oh, okay." 1187 00:55:37,042 --> 00:55:39,044 "Well, that's not what I'm looking for." 1188 00:55:39,127 --> 00:55:40,795 [audience laughing] 1189 00:55:40,879 --> 00:55:41,796 [chuckles] 1190 00:55:42,714 --> 00:55:45,508 I was like, "I don't really know what that means to be honest with you." 1191 00:55:45,592 --> 00:55:47,886 I'm not looking to spend time with the weed. 1192 00:55:50,096 --> 00:55:52,390 Not trying to hear the weed's ideas on things. 1193 00:55:55,810 --> 00:55:57,645 They think I'm weird because I'm always like, 1194 00:55:57,729 --> 00:55:59,731 "What's the weakest weed you have here?" 1195 00:56:00,565 --> 00:56:02,942 "Like you got any weed you were thinking about throwing out?" 1196 00:56:05,820 --> 00:56:08,990 "You got any weed people returned because it wasn't working good?" 1197 00:56:09,741 --> 00:56:11,659 That's the kind of weed I'm looking for. 1198 00:56:12,202 --> 00:56:14,788 I'm just trying to enjoy some TV out here, you know. 1199 00:56:15,288 --> 00:56:18,249 I'm not trying to disappear into a different realm. 1200 00:56:21,836 --> 00:56:25,048 I'm not trying to sleep with a light on all night in my hotel room 1201 00:56:27,258 --> 00:56:29,302 'cause the darkness is too thick. 1202 00:56:29,386 --> 00:56:31,679 [audience laughing] 1203 00:56:31,763 --> 00:56:33,014 [chuckles] 1204 00:56:34,391 --> 00:56:35,266 Ever do that, though? 1205 00:56:35,350 --> 00:56:38,311 You get high, and you're like, "It's been a great day. Had a lot of fun." 1206 00:56:38,395 --> 00:56:39,479 "But now it's time for bed." 1207 00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:41,773 You turn the light switch off, 1208 00:56:41,856 --> 00:56:44,651 and it feels like nighttime lays down on you. 1209 00:56:45,610 --> 00:56:47,612 I'm like, "Well, that's coming back on." 1210 00:56:47,695 --> 00:56:49,072 [audience laughing] 1211 00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:51,741 And the TV and the podcast. 1212 00:56:53,368 --> 00:56:55,745 I may call a friend, make sure I'm still alive. 1213 00:56:55,829 --> 00:56:57,664 [audience laughing] 1214 00:57:03,795 --> 00:57:05,839 I freaked out in a lot of hotel rooms. 1215 00:57:06,714 --> 00:57:08,800 Nobody knows it's happening but it is. 1216 00:57:09,551 --> 00:57:12,762 I'll hear a noise out in the hallway, I think people are coming to get me. 1217 00:57:13,263 --> 00:57:16,599 I look out the peephole, it's just some family enjoying their life. 1218 00:57:17,434 --> 00:57:20,562 No idea about the darkness going on in my hotel room. 1219 00:57:20,645 --> 00:57:22,188 [audience laughing] 1220 00:57:22,272 --> 00:57:23,690 Over one hit of weed. 1221 00:57:25,191 --> 00:57:27,652 You think I'd been in there doing heroin all week. 1222 00:57:28,528 --> 00:57:31,573 I'm all strung out, I got biscuits everywhere. 1223 00:57:31,656 --> 00:57:32,991 [audience laughing] 1224 00:57:33,074 --> 00:57:36,119 [audience clapping and cheering] 1225 00:57:43,960 --> 00:57:46,045 Sometimes I'll smoke weed in the hotel room. 1226 00:57:46,129 --> 00:57:47,881 And that's always a mistake for me. 1227 00:57:48,548 --> 00:57:52,135 I'll take one little puff, I think I've smoked the whole hotel out. 1228 00:57:52,218 --> 00:57:55,722 It's made its way down to the front desk, they're calling the police. 1229 00:57:55,805 --> 00:57:57,640 The police are on their way. 1230 00:57:57,724 --> 00:58:00,727 I'm out in the parking lot, like, "I'm not even at this hotel." 1231 00:58:00,810 --> 00:58:02,061 [audience laughing] 1232 00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:04,272 "Matter of fact, right now, I'm loitering." 1233 00:58:05,523 --> 00:58:07,692 "I better leave before I get in trouble for loitering 1234 00:58:07,775 --> 00:58:09,777 'cause I'm not at this hotel." 1235 00:58:10,612 --> 00:58:12,489 "That's something I can tell you right now." 1236 00:58:13,406 --> 00:58:16,743 So when I do smoke in the hotel, I like to take it very seriously. 1237 00:58:16,826 --> 00:58:18,119 I go into the room, 1238 00:58:18,203 --> 00:58:20,121 I put the "Do not disturb" sign on the door. 1239 00:58:20,205 --> 00:58:21,539 Then I go into the bathroom 1240 00:58:21,623 --> 00:58:24,209 and put another "Do not disturb" sign on the door. 1241 00:58:24,292 --> 00:58:25,376 [audience laughing] 1242 00:58:28,755 --> 00:58:30,465 So if they come through the first door, 1243 00:58:30,548 --> 00:58:33,051 they'll be like, "This is a lot more private than we realized." 1244 00:58:34,928 --> 00:58:36,846 "We shouldn't have come through the first one, 1245 00:58:36,930 --> 00:58:40,600 but it's definitely against hotel policy to go through two 'Do not disturb' signs." 1246 00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:46,439 Then I put a little towel under the door, I take a little hit, 1247 00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:48,942 blow it into the toilet, close the lid, flush it. 1248 00:58:49,025 --> 00:58:51,528 [audience laughing] 1249 00:58:53,279 --> 00:58:54,239 [chuckles] 1250 00:58:55,657 --> 00:58:58,868 That's what I do every time. I don't know if it works or not, but 1251 00:58:59,953 --> 00:59:02,121 I've not been kicked out of a hotel yet, so… 1252 00:59:02,664 --> 00:59:04,541 Either it works or nobody cares. 1253 00:59:05,833 --> 00:59:09,128 Smoke's gotta hit the water by the time that spiral's kickin' in. 1254 00:59:09,212 --> 00:59:11,381 [makes whooshing sound] Sucks it right down. 1255 00:59:13,883 --> 00:59:15,885 I like to think I'm doing a service. 1256 00:59:16,386 --> 00:59:19,556 I like to think there's somebody on the other end of that toilet 1257 00:59:19,639 --> 00:59:21,391 working down in a sewer somewhere. 1258 00:59:22,183 --> 00:59:24,352 Hangin' out with a bunch of Ninja Turtles. 1259 00:59:24,435 --> 00:59:26,312 [audience laughing] 1260 00:59:26,396 --> 00:59:28,398 Fighting off all the ticks I'm flushing. 1261 00:59:28,481 --> 00:59:29,899 [audience laughing] 1262 00:59:31,693 --> 00:59:35,405 That smoke hits him in the face, he's like, "All right, I appreciate that." 1263 00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:38,408 "Pleasant smell for a change." 1264 00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:41,578 "Great day to be alive down here." 1265 00:59:41,661 --> 00:59:43,288 [audience laughing and clapping] 1266 00:59:43,371 --> 00:59:45,081 You know what I mean? That's true. 1267 00:59:45,164 --> 00:59:49,877 [audience cheering and clapping] 1268 00:59:52,171 --> 00:59:53,464 My wife doesn't do drugs 1269 00:59:53,548 --> 00:59:56,259 and I always think everything's weird when I'm high. 1270 00:59:56,342 --> 00:59:57,677 And that's how she knows. 1271 00:59:59,137 --> 01:00:02,098 Like if I start saying stuff's weird, she knows what's going on. 1272 01:00:02,807 --> 01:00:05,685 We go to a coffee shop the other day, and we come out and I go, 1273 01:00:05,768 --> 01:00:07,395 "That was weird in there, huh?" 1274 01:00:08,479 --> 01:00:10,857 She was like, "Nah, that was the most normal 1275 01:00:11,691 --> 01:00:13,693 coffee shop experience we could have had." 1276 01:00:14,902 --> 01:00:17,864 "You went in, you asked for coffee, they gave it to you, you paid for it, 1277 01:00:17,947 --> 01:00:19,198 now we're outside." 1278 01:00:19,282 --> 01:00:20,867 [audience laughing] 1279 01:00:20,992 --> 01:00:21,951 "What was weird?" 1280 01:00:22,952 --> 01:00:25,580 I was like, "I don't know, but there was a vibe in there." 1281 01:00:25,663 --> 01:00:27,540 [audience laughing] 1282 01:00:27,624 --> 01:00:29,375 "Felt like they didn't want us in there." 1283 01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:33,129 But it was a real hipster coffee shop, real hip, 1284 01:00:33,212 --> 01:00:35,548 and if it gets too hip, they don't want you in there. 1285 01:00:35,632 --> 01:00:37,342 They don't want me in there. I know that. 1286 01:00:37,425 --> 01:00:39,177 They're very rude to me in there. 1287 01:00:39,260 --> 01:00:40,762 But I like a rude coffee shop. 1288 01:00:41,971 --> 01:00:44,932 I like to be treated bad while I'm trying to order a coffee. 1289 01:00:46,059 --> 01:00:47,393 I like to be berated. 1290 01:00:49,687 --> 01:00:52,315 I feel like, the ruder the coffee shop employee, 1291 01:00:52,398 --> 01:00:53,691 the better the coffee. 1292 01:00:54,317 --> 01:00:57,362 I don't know why that is, but it seems to be true every time. 1293 01:00:57,862 --> 01:01:00,281 If you go to a place and they're real friendly, you're like, 1294 01:01:00,365 --> 01:01:02,408 "Ah, there's gonna be Folgers in here." 1295 01:01:02,492 --> 01:01:04,160 [audience laughing] 1296 01:01:04,243 --> 01:01:07,330 Gonna be in a styrofoam cup with a lid that don't fit that good. 1297 01:01:08,373 --> 01:01:09,832 Could have made this at home. 1298 01:01:10,583 --> 01:01:11,542 [chuckles] 1299 01:01:12,210 --> 01:01:15,713 So I love a hipster coffee shop 'cause I like good coffee, you know. 1300 01:01:15,797 --> 01:01:18,299 But sometimes they complicate things for no reason. 1301 01:01:18,383 --> 01:01:20,218 Like all I drink is black coffee. 1302 01:01:20,301 --> 01:01:22,512 I went to this one coffee shop and I go up to the guy, 1303 01:01:22,595 --> 01:01:24,847 he figured out a way to complicate that. I go up to him, 1304 01:01:24,931 --> 01:01:26,265 "Let me get a black coffee." 1305 01:01:26,349 --> 01:01:28,351 He goes, "Pour-over or drip?" 1306 01:01:29,435 --> 01:01:31,771 I was like, "I don't know. However you get it in there." 1307 01:01:31,854 --> 01:01:32,939 You know what I mean? 1308 01:01:34,524 --> 01:01:37,402 I'm like, "I don't really know what you're asking me right now." 1309 01:01:38,361 --> 01:01:41,197 "I'm not looking to be involved in making the coffee here." 1310 01:01:42,365 --> 01:01:44,742 "Pour it, drip it, whatever you gotta do, man, 1311 01:01:45,284 --> 01:01:46,494 but wrap it up." 1312 01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:50,123 He was like, "Pour-over takes 15 minutes." 1313 01:01:50,206 --> 01:01:52,375 I was like, "Well, start dripping then." 1314 01:01:52,458 --> 01:01:54,836 [audience laughing] 1315 01:01:54,919 --> 01:01:57,588 I don't know how you drip faster than you pour, man. 1316 01:01:58,798 --> 01:02:00,216 [chuckles] 1317 01:02:00,299 --> 01:02:02,301 That don't even make sense. I don't know how 1318 01:02:02,385 --> 01:02:04,303 or why you're doing it like that. 1319 01:02:05,304 --> 01:02:07,056 Fifteen minutes to make a coffee. 1320 01:02:07,140 --> 01:02:08,975 I don't need it to be that good. 1321 01:02:09,726 --> 01:02:11,018 I like a good coffee, 1322 01:02:11,102 --> 01:02:13,855 but I don't need you back there massaging the beans. 1323 01:02:15,606 --> 01:02:18,109 Fifteen minutes is enough to get to know a person. 1324 01:02:18,609 --> 01:02:21,612 I'm not trying to form a relationship with the barista here. 1325 01:02:22,697 --> 01:02:25,158 Turns out a pour-over coffee is when they're making you 1326 01:02:25,241 --> 01:02:27,243 your own individual cup of coffee. 1327 01:02:27,326 --> 01:02:30,413 So I guess you're taking up one employee in that coffee shop 1328 01:02:30,496 --> 01:02:32,123 for the next 15 minutes, 1329 01:02:32,206 --> 01:02:35,334 'cause you don't want your coffee mingled with the other coffee. 1330 01:02:36,377 --> 01:02:38,379 I don't need it to be that good. 1331 01:02:38,463 --> 01:02:40,298 I don't need a pour-over coffee. 1332 01:02:40,798 --> 01:02:44,302 I have found a place that manages to be rude to you 1333 01:02:44,385 --> 01:02:45,845 and give you bad coffee. 1334 01:02:45,928 --> 01:02:48,347 And that place is known as the Waffle House. 1335 01:02:48,431 --> 01:02:49,807 [audience laughing] 1336 01:02:49,891 --> 01:02:52,143 -[audience cheering] -You know what I mean? 1337 01:02:52,226 --> 01:02:54,896 I love the Waffle House, but I'm not going there for the coffee. 1338 01:02:54,979 --> 01:02:57,356 I'll have it, but I'm not going there for it. 1339 01:02:57,440 --> 01:02:59,025 I do love the Waffle House. 1340 01:02:59,108 --> 01:03:02,528 I was selling pesticides with a guy from New Jersey one time 1341 01:03:02,612 --> 01:03:04,864 and he told me he had never been to the Waffle House. 1342 01:03:04,947 --> 01:03:07,533 I was like, "All right. Let's go right now." 1343 01:03:08,576 --> 01:03:11,913 'Cause I didn't want to mess around and let somebody else take him. 1344 01:03:12,789 --> 01:03:15,541 'Cause I like taking people to the Waffle House for the first time. 1345 01:03:15,625 --> 01:03:18,586 It's a lot of fun for me to see the excitement on their face. 1346 01:03:19,670 --> 01:03:22,089 We walk in-- I wanted it to be a good experience. 1347 01:03:22,173 --> 01:03:23,424 'cause he had never been. 1348 01:03:23,508 --> 01:03:26,093 We walk in and there's an older waitress in there 1349 01:03:26,177 --> 01:03:28,012 and she goes, "Welcome to Waffle House." 1350 01:03:28,095 --> 01:03:29,847 I was like, "How you doing today?" She goes, 1351 01:03:29,931 --> 01:03:33,476 "I'm tired and I could use a cigarette but people keep coming in here." 1352 01:03:33,559 --> 01:03:35,269 [audience laughing] 1353 01:03:35,353 --> 01:03:37,814 I was like, "Boom! That's what I'm talking about." 1354 01:03:37,897 --> 01:03:39,398 [audience laughing] 1355 01:03:39,482 --> 01:03:41,901 "That's the kind of attitude I"m looking for in here." 1356 01:03:43,486 --> 01:03:45,738 I was excited. I made eye contact with my friend. 1357 01:03:45,822 --> 01:03:47,740 I'm like, "You see what's going on in here? 1358 01:03:48,825 --> 01:03:50,827 "This is how we do it at the Waffle House." 1359 01:03:51,786 --> 01:03:54,705 We sat down and ate, it was very good. 1360 01:03:54,789 --> 01:03:57,583 Right after we ate, a roach came from under the table, 1361 01:03:57,667 --> 01:03:59,836 ran up my shirt, got about right here. 1362 01:03:59,919 --> 01:04:02,129 I swatted it down. It hit the table, disappeared. 1363 01:04:02,213 --> 01:04:03,965 I don't know what happened to it. 1364 01:04:04,757 --> 01:04:07,552 Honestly, I couldn't have paid for a better experience in there. 1365 01:04:08,636 --> 01:04:11,722 'Cause you want to see a roach once in a while in the Waffle House. 1366 01:04:11,806 --> 01:04:14,684 Just make sure they're still keeping it organic in there. 1367 01:04:15,393 --> 01:04:17,603 Not using a lot of pesticides in there. 1368 01:04:19,105 --> 01:04:20,439 You want to see it after you eat. 1369 01:04:20,523 --> 01:04:23,359 That way it's like, "Yeah, I'm nauseous, but I'm full." 1370 01:04:23,442 --> 01:04:24,861 [audience laughing] 1371 01:04:29,907 --> 01:04:31,909 You know-- Thank you. And uh… 1372 01:04:31,993 --> 01:04:33,286 [audience laughing] 1373 01:04:33,369 --> 01:04:34,954 [audience member] Whoo! 1374 01:04:35,037 --> 01:04:36,914 Thank you. That's okay, I don't--- 1375 01:04:36,998 --> 01:04:39,292 -[man grunting loudly] -Yeah, okay. 1376 01:04:39,375 --> 01:04:41,002 We're losing it and um… 1377 01:04:41,085 --> 01:04:43,004 [audience laughing] 1378 01:04:43,087 --> 01:04:45,423 You know the best thing about having hair long like this 1379 01:04:45,506 --> 01:04:50,011 is that if I find a hair in my food, I just assume it's mine. 1380 01:04:50,094 --> 01:04:51,679 I just lift it up like this, I go, 1381 01:04:51,762 --> 01:04:53,723 'Yeah, that's definitely one of mine." 1382 01:04:54,473 --> 01:04:56,934 "I don't know how it got lodged deep down in that omelette…" 1383 01:04:57,018 --> 01:04:59,395 -[audience groans and laughs] -[chuckles] 1384 01:05:00,271 --> 01:05:02,064 Definitely one of mine, though. 1385 01:05:03,608 --> 01:05:06,736 Good thing too or I would have lost my appetite. 1386 01:05:07,862 --> 01:05:10,323 I could eat my own hair. You know what I mean? 1387 01:05:11,198 --> 01:05:12,617 It's tough to eat hair. 1388 01:05:14,285 --> 01:05:16,162 You ever swallow about half a hair? 1389 01:05:16,871 --> 01:05:19,624 You can't get it down all the way. [chuckles] 1390 01:05:20,750 --> 01:05:23,002 You got to dig it out, it's like fishing for throw-up. 1391 01:05:23,085 --> 01:05:24,879 You're like, "Ah, ah, ah." 1392 01:05:24,962 --> 01:05:26,839 [audience laughing] 1393 01:05:27,423 --> 01:05:28,299 [chuckles] 1394 01:05:28,382 --> 01:05:30,843 It is true. I'm sorry I did that, that's gross. 1395 01:05:30,927 --> 01:05:32,511 [audience laughing] 1396 01:05:34,180 --> 01:05:36,182 One time I was doing comedy in Arkansas, 1397 01:05:36,265 --> 01:05:40,102 I was leaving, driving back to Nashville, and I wanted to get coffee on the way. 1398 01:05:40,186 --> 01:05:41,604 I was looking for a good coffee. 1399 01:05:41,687 --> 01:05:44,941 But I didn't know any places, so I typed something into Google, 1400 01:05:45,024 --> 01:05:47,777 and I pulled up to this place called Cowgirls Coffee. 1401 01:05:47,860 --> 01:05:50,404 I was like, "That's what I'm talking about." 1402 01:05:50,488 --> 01:05:52,490 I didn't know what Cowgirls Coffee was at the time, 1403 01:05:52,573 --> 01:05:54,450 but it seemed cool to me. 1404 01:05:54,533 --> 01:05:56,410 I was wearing cowboy boots that day. 1405 01:05:57,411 --> 01:05:59,872 I'm like, "I can't wait to walk into this place." 1406 01:05:59,956 --> 01:06:03,417 "This is gonna be a great time." And I'm with a couple of other comics, 1407 01:06:03,501 --> 01:06:06,462 and we pull up to this old warehouse-looking building. 1408 01:06:06,545 --> 01:06:08,422 And I'm like, "Is this a strip club?" 1409 01:06:09,423 --> 01:06:10,716 And it was a strip club. 1410 01:06:10,800 --> 01:06:11,801 [audience laughing] 1411 01:06:13,469 --> 01:06:17,390 Cowgirls Coffee was a little coffee booth in the parking lot of the strip club. 1412 01:06:17,473 --> 01:06:21,018 And they were affiliated. This is not a coincidence. 1413 01:06:22,103 --> 01:06:24,105 So I told my friends, "Let's just go somewhere else." 1414 01:06:24,188 --> 01:06:26,232 "I don't know what strip club coffee tastes like." 1415 01:06:26,315 --> 01:06:28,401 Never had it, never been offered to me. 1416 01:06:28,484 --> 01:06:30,069 I never walked into a strip club 1417 01:06:30,152 --> 01:06:32,738 and been, "You know what? Start me off with a coffee." 1418 01:06:35,408 --> 01:06:37,785 "I'd like to get a real lay of the land here 1419 01:06:39,036 --> 01:06:41,038 before we get down to business." 1420 01:06:41,539 --> 01:06:44,291 "I'd like to be very alert throughout this experience." 1421 01:06:47,378 --> 01:06:49,046 I was like, "Let's go somewhere else." 1422 01:06:49,130 --> 01:06:50,798 My friends were like, "We're already here." 1423 01:06:50,881 --> 01:06:53,217 "Let's just pull up to the booth and see what they got." 1424 01:06:53,300 --> 01:06:55,302 I was, "All right, but I don't want coffee here." 1425 01:06:55,386 --> 01:06:58,180 "I want a good cup of coffee, I'm not trying to get it from here." 1426 01:06:58,264 --> 01:07:00,474 We pull up to the booth and we can see inside, 1427 01:07:00,558 --> 01:07:03,769 and there's a girl in there, wearing lingerie, serving coffee. 1428 01:07:04,562 --> 01:07:07,231 And I was like, "Well, we could get a coffee." 1429 01:07:07,314 --> 01:07:08,357 [audience laughing] 1430 01:07:09,066 --> 01:07:11,235 Like coffee is coffee at the end of the day. 1431 01:07:12,153 --> 01:07:14,196 Let's not make a big deal about it. 1432 01:07:14,280 --> 01:07:16,240 It's not our last cup of coffee. 1433 01:07:16,323 --> 01:07:19,410 If we don't like it, we can get another one down the road. 1434 01:07:19,493 --> 01:07:21,912 I was telling them, "Don't judge the place." 1435 01:07:22,538 --> 01:07:24,999 You don't know what this place has been through here. 1436 01:07:26,876 --> 01:07:28,669 The girl was like, "What kind of coffee?" 1437 01:07:28,753 --> 01:07:31,005 I was like, "Pour-over." You know what I mean? 1438 01:07:31,088 --> 01:07:33,841 [audience laughing and clapping] 1439 01:07:33,924 --> 01:07:36,635 All right, thank you very much, guys. I appreciate you. 1440 01:07:36,719 --> 01:07:40,014 -[audience cheering] -Thank you very much. You guys are great. 1441 01:07:40,097 --> 01:07:42,349 [audience continues cheering and clapping] 1442 01:07:42,433 --> 01:07:44,060 You guys are great. Thank you very much. 1443 01:07:44,769 --> 01:07:45,978 I appreciate you. 1444 01:07:46,062 --> 01:07:47,688 [country music playing] 1445 01:07:49,648 --> 01:07:52,026 ♪ Started out in Alabama ♪ 1446 01:07:52,109 --> 01:07:54,320 ♪ In a humble single wide ♪ 1447 01:07:54,403 --> 01:07:56,947 ♪ I heard the wheels a callin' me ♪ 1448 01:07:57,031 --> 01:07:58,824 ♪ I had to say goodbye ♪ 1449 01:07:58,908 --> 01:08:03,287 ♪ From Bakersfield to Brooklyn And everywhere between ♪ 1450 01:08:03,370 --> 01:08:06,373 ♪ Now I'm pushing this rig Back home to Tennessee ♪ 1451 01:08:07,666 --> 01:08:08,959 ♪ Been workin' hard ♪ 1452 01:08:09,585 --> 01:08:11,337 ♪ All day and night ♪ 1453 01:08:11,879 --> 01:08:15,925 ♪ Tryin' to make my way Turning wrongs to right ♪ 1454 01:08:16,425 --> 01:08:18,302 ♪ It ain't a simple job ♪ 1455 01:08:19,053 --> 01:08:20,513 ♪ But I love what I do ♪ 1456 01:08:21,514 --> 01:08:24,266 ♪ Workin' hard is all This old boy knows to do ♪ 1457 01:08:26,143 --> 01:08:27,103 Hey! 1458 01:08:34,527 --> 01:08:36,195 Now we're having a good time. 1459 01:08:44,995 --> 01:08:47,456 [Richard] What did we find in the pool yesterday? 1460 01:08:48,082 --> 01:08:51,252 A big, old humongous frog. 1461 01:08:51,961 --> 01:08:54,547 -That big. -[Richard] Sure did, didn't we? 1462 01:08:54,630 --> 01:08:58,592 Uh-huh. You accidentally sucked him up and busted him. 1463 01:08:59,468 --> 01:09:02,555 [Richard] Yeah, sucked him up the pool vacuum. 1464 01:09:03,139 --> 01:09:04,390 And then it busted him. 1465 01:09:05,307 --> 01:09:07,017 [Richard] I think he hopped off, didn't he? 1466 01:09:07,726 --> 01:09:08,602 Uh-huh. 1467 01:09:10,729 --> 01:09:13,691 [Richard] Okay, we can go in and play Old Maid cards.