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It's good to see you, Ed.
What have you been up to?
To be honest, I haven't been doing much.
I've been spending a lot of time with family,
because sometimes it's just good to be around...
anxiety.
Yeah. You know, I learned a lot.
I learned that our family has no boundaries.
I went to, uh, Burger King around Mom and Dad's the other day.
I'm walking, the guy saw me come in.
He's like, "Hey, man.
"You're the guy who married a white woman.
"What can I get ya?"
I'm like, "I would like to get out of here.
"What just happened?"
And I figured it out.
Apparently, Mom has been showing my wedding photos
to every single business within a three-mile radius.
Every single business.
So I went to her, I'm like, "What are you doing?"
She's like, "You want to be famous, right?
"You're famous."
I'm like, "On TV, not at Costco."
Dad's in the back of the house, "Costco has TV."
I'm like, "You're not helping. Just stop."
You know, just no boundaries. True story.
Our brother, Henry, shit his pants
on his way home from work the other day.
Thirty-two years old, certified doctor,
just gave up on his life on the highway.
So I called him. I was worried.
I was like, "Hey, are you okay?"
He's like, "Ed, whatever you do, don't tell Dad."
I'm like, "Dude, Dad told me.
"Like, everybody knows. What are you talking about?"
And it's not just our immediate family.
It's everybody involved.
I went to the doctor recently
because there's some skin tags in my leg,
and I thought herpes,
because I'm a hypochondriac.
So I'm sitting, the doctor's looking,
he's like, "Ed, you know what? They're just skin tags.
"You're good. You can go."
I'm like, "Oh, good."
The minute I leave the clinic, I just get a text from my mom.
She says, "Why do you have herpes?"
I'm like, "What the hell? Am I wearing a wire?"
So now I got to call her, right?
'Cause I don't need Burger King thinking I have herpes.
So I'm about to dial my phone.
Henry calls me.
I'm like, "No!"
So I pick up the phone and say, "Hey, did Mom tell you I have herpes?"
He's like, "Mmm, no.
"But you're on speakerphone with all my friends."
I'm like, "Damn it. Now I'm a herpes boy.
"That's what I am."
By the way, if you got skin tags,
you don't have to go to the doctor.
Just do it yourself. I did it myself.
You just go to the pharmacy,
you get what they call a skin tag remover kit.
It comes with a swab of chemicals.
You put the swab in the chemicals,
you put the swab on your skin tag,
and in about ten days,
it'll become completely infected.
Yeah. Don't do it. Just go to the doctor.
Thank you for the advice.
I know you've noticed, um,
there's no sense of time when it comes to family.
My mom calls me in a panic two weeks ago,
2:00 in the morning.
You know, she's like, "Ed, you got to come over.
"Your dad's in trouble."
I'm like, "Oh, my God, is he sick?"
All right, so I drive to the house, I rush inside.
Everyone's in the backyard.
I'm like, "What's, what's going on?"
She's like, "Oh, your dad lost his glasses in the yard."
I'm like, "Why are we doing this at 2:00 in the morning?"
She's like, "'Cause he can't see."
I'm like, "Yeah, 'cause it's nighttime.
"Nobody can see."
Straight face, she looks at me,
she's like, "Oh, yeah?
"What if a bird takes it and walks away?"
I'm like, "Do you live on Sesame Street?"
Is Big Bird gonna jack your shit and walk away?
You know, just everything is a crisis with them.
Everything is DEFCON 5.
I was just in the house the other day,
just relaxing on the couch.
She comes in with her phone.
She's like, "Big red dot, big red dot."
I'm like, "Just give me your phone."
The red dot, apparently,
is the notification on her email app.
And she has 300,000 unread emails.
I'm like, "What is this?"
She's like, "Oh, it's from last week."
I'm like, "Did you sign up for the entire Internet last week?
"Like, how is this possible?"
You know what? I get it. She's not good with phones.
So I said, "You know what? Just take it back.
"Take your phone back.
"Take a week, Mom. Read all your emails.
"Give it back to me. I'll back it up.
"You're good to go."
She does it, which is great.
So I'm there, backing up the phone.
Halfway through, the phone gets stuck.
I'm like, "What is wrong with this phone?"
So I check the log and it says
she has 600,000 photos
of screenshots of all the emails she just read.
Two for each one, in case she lost one.
I'm like, "I don't know how to fix this.
"This is humanly impossible."
She's standing there, she's like, "Should we restart?"
I'm like, "You mean our relationship?
"Yeah, we should restart."
The older I get, the less I know Mom and Dad.
Dad killed a rat recently.
Most people would have poisoned or trapped it.
Not this guy.
He knocked it unconscious and buried it alive in the backyard.
This man raised children.
You know what's the most messed up part I found?
He kills every animal that comes to the yard
and buries it alive in the back at night.
He's not looking for his glasses.
He's looking for his victims.
I'm in the driveway the other day, where I just cleaned my car,
and the neighbor sees me, comes over.
He goes "Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed.
"Your dad was in the yard
"last night at 3:00 in the morning.
"He's planting something.
"What's he planting?"
I'm like, "Your cat.
"That's what he's planting. It's your cat."
My phone is on, um, airplane mode now
'cause I'm in the waiting room,
Mom's texting me the whole time.
The entire time, she's texting me.
She sent me a video,
when I was out there, just now,
that says, "Edward, look,
"this pizza man is taking a woman hostage."
I'm like, "This is porn.
"You're sending me porn.
"Why are you watching porn?"
See, this is the most interesting part,
is you can talk about anything, in our family,
just do not talk about feelings.
Do not bring up feelings.
Only time I talked about feelings was in grade eight.
I remember when, to Dad I said, "Hey, Dad.
"I feel like I'm not good enough."
He said, "You're correct."
I'm like, "Wait, what? That's not what I wanted."
That's the thing.
There's two rules in every Asian household.
Just two.
There's no feelings and cash only.
That's the only two rules we've got.
I think that's why, growing up in high school,
you know, all my friends were white.
All my friends were white.
'Cause white people,
they're really good listeners.
I mean, I still don't trust them,
but you're really good listeners.
And it's just so confusing
'cause they were so open with their emotions.
I wasn't.
I remember high school,
you know, our friend, Jeff...
drove us to school.
And, you know,
we're getting to school. We're getting out of the car.
You know, his mom was driving,
and he just goes, "I love you."
And his mom goes, "I love you, too."
And she kissed him on the cheek.
I was walking to school, I was so confused.
I was like, "Hey, Jeff,
"are you fucking your mom?"
"Like what is going on in your house?"
Because mental health is not a conversation
in the Asian community. We don't talk about it.
As an Asian in high school, when I was 16,
I cried myself to sleep every night.
Every single night, I cried myself to sleep.
It got so bad
there's dried tear patches all over the bed.
Mom used to change my bedsheets.
Never talked about it.
I brought it up recently.
I was like, "Mom, you ever noticed
"the patches on the bed?
"Like, what did you think it was?"
She's like, "Oh!
"I thought you were just touching yourself."
I'm like, "Twenty times a day?"
She's like, "Like father, like son!"
I'm like, "Oh, my God, I don't wanna talk about it.
"Just show me the porn.
"We're fine."
It got so bad,
with my behavioral emotional issues in high school,
I got called in to the school counselor's office.
And the school's counselor sat me down,
she's like, "Ed,
"have you ever considered family therapy?"
I'm like, "Yes!
"With my brand-new foster family."
Mom and Dad don't do therapy.
You know, I'll tell you how they cope.
They buy things.
You know, the more problems there are,
the more things they buy.
The best way to describe their house right now
is a fire hazard.
There's stuff everywhere.
Right now, Dad's room in his house,
there's just all shampoo.
There's hundreds of bottles of shampoo.
And he's part of it, too.
Because every time I go over,
I feel like I'm in the middle of Lion King.
He's like, "My son.
"One day, this will all be yours."
And I'm like, "Dad, I don't have any hair." -
He's like, "Not to worry."
Opens the door. It's all Rogaine.
I'm like, "What the hell is this house?"
There's only one moment...
in our entire life
I saw my way into mental health with Mom and Dad.
It's about five years into immigration.
You know, Mom and Dad had this huge fight,
this marriage-ending, life-changing fight.
And I'm really in the fight,
Dad's standing in the corner of the house,
just defeated as a man.
I saw that, I was so sad. I was devastated.
He saw me sitting. He walks over, he goes,
"Edward, let me tell you something.
"Your emotions is like fire.
"If you let it burn, it will destroy everything."
And I saw it.
That's my moment.
I was like, "Dad, do you want to get therapy?"
He looks at me, he goes,
"Do you want to get a Playstation?"
I'm like, "Yeah, fuck therapy.
"This is so much better. I understand now."
It's a problem.
It's a huge problem.
But you know what?
That's their truth.
You can't judge people for their truth.
It's hard to see outside your truth.
Like, give me-- I'll give you an example.
I do a lot of fishing.
You know, this one morning, Saturday morning, very early,
I'm sitting on the dock.
I turn around,
and there's a kid fishing with my fishing rod.
So I just went, "Hey, drop it! That's mine! Now."
He goes, "Oh, sorry, sir." He drops it, runs away.
I'm like, "Kids, right? They don't know.
"It's not a big deal."
So I keep fishing.
At the end of the day,
I go back to my car, I open the trunk,
and there was...
was my fishing rod.
And that's the same time I realized
I fucking robbed a kid.
Like he's just there, enjoying his Saturday,
some random guy just turned around,
just went, "Hey, drop it!
"That's mine now."
Couldn't see outside my truth.
But here's the thing.
Your truth may not be the truth.
See, Dad told me this story one time.
Once upon a time, there's a farmer.
He had two buckets.
Used the buckets to get water from the lake for his farm.
One day, one of the buckets broke.
So the bucket said to the farmer,
"Sir, I'm no good. I'm broken.
"You have to let me go."
Farmer says, "No, you're great,
"'cause look... look at this path we've been on.
"Because you're leaking, now it's blooming with flowers.
"You are something."
I heard that, I'm like, "Oh, my God,
"don't give up on who you are, right, Dad?"
Dad's like, "No! It means don't do drugs.
"That guy's talking to buckets." -
Your truth may not be the truth.
And I get it.
'Cause you can't believe anything you see these days.
Right? You can't believe a thing.
Ever tried googling yourself recently?
That shit is bananas.
I googled myself the other day.
Google says I have $5 million.
It missed the mark
by $5 million.
I don't have any money.
This is the best part about the write-up.
It says net worth, $5 million.
Ethnicity, to be determined.
I'm like, "I've never had money.
"I've always been Asian. How is it even possible?"
And nothing makes any sense.
Nothing.
Just this morning, I was at Starbucks, right.
I was getting a coffee.
I paid for my coffee.
And the lady goes, "Sir, can I get a name for the cup?"
I'm like, "Yeah, of course.
"My name is Ed."
She's like, "How do you spell that?"
So I just left. I couldn't do it.
I just left.
My friend was like, "Why don't you just spell it for her?"
I'm like, "Because she's making my coffee.
"I don't trust her.
"If she can't spell Ed,
"what the fuck is she making?
"Is she just shitting in my cup?"
"It's the same color? Don't worry about it. We're fine. We're fine."
So I feel bad for the kids.
My nephew was freaking out the other day,
he had this big test coming up, you know, he's so stressed.
And I was like, "Okay, let me help you.
"I'll help you, right? Show me the question."
And it was a math--
It's a math test I'll tell you the question.
Here is the question, it says, "If you're at a campsite,
"and you walk three miles to the south,
"and three miles to the east,
"and then three miles to the north,
"and you bump into a bear.
"What color is that bear?"
What type of question is that?
So my nephew's sitting there, he goes,
"Uncle Ed, what do I do?"
I'm like, "I think you should do drugs."
"Cause it's not working."
Everything is upside down.
People with the most responsibility
has the least accountability.
You know, I don't know if you noticed,
there's almost no doctors
that's on time.
Yeah. Henry's a doctor. I called him.
I was like, "Hey, why are you guys always late?"
He's like, "Ed, I, uh, I can't talk about this right now."
I'm like, "Why not?"
He's like, "'Cause I'm late for something."
He's an eye surgeon.
The whole profession makes no sense.
I don't know if you know,
there's a different doctor for every part of your eye.
Doctor for your cornea, doctor for your retina,
doctor for your eyelids, doctor for your eyebrows.
I'm like, "Why do you need so many doctors
"for one body part?"
He's like, "Ed, the human body is very complicated."
I'm like, "Really?
"Is that why my doctor used the same finger
"for my throat and my ass?
"Is that why?" So complicated.
Somebody asked me the other day, it's an interesting question,
they go,
"Ed, would you ever let Henry, your brother,
"operate on your eye?"
I'll say, "Yeah, of course.
"If I wanna go blind."
I mean, he's a great doctor. He's amazing.
It's just, I know him.
I just can't trust somebody who thought Pokemons were real
until they were 18.
You know, I actually don't mind
when things make no sense.
You know what gets to me?
Happens a lot these days, it's a symptom of our time,
is people like to impose their truth
on other people's truth.
Believe what I believe in, don't impose on other people.
Look, I was in a buffet line recently,
Mom's there. Dad's there. Henry's there.
My wife is there.
And, you know, Mom and Dad are speaking Mandarin.
It's their first language. They're kind of loud.
And lady in front of us, she turns around and goes,
"Hey, speak English.
"You're in my country now."
Yeah. Stunned. We don't know what to do.
You know, my wife gets involved.
She steps right in between, she goes, "You know what?
"They're not even talking about you."
And that's the moment
Henry and I locked eyes and we smiled
'cause we know...
we're totally talking about them. -
Yeah. My wife doesn't understand either.
God bless her heart. She was trying so hard.
Things sure sound different.
Yeah, the world's changing, isn't it?
It's changing. I feel it.
I feel it in the questions I get about our community.
I do.
Yeah, I get asked this question all the time.
People keep asking me, "Ed, is it racist
"to say 'Chinese virus'?"
"Is it racist to say 'Chinese virus'?"
I'm like, "I don't know. I'm not Chinese.
"I'm from Taiwan.
"We also say 'Chinese virus.'
"You take that information how you want.
"I don't have the answers."
Here's another question I get all the time.
It's like, "Ed, how do you feel, in a clime like this?"
I gotta be honest with you.
I feel...
exactly the same.
It's not new. It's been around for a very long time.
My first week here in Canada, I was on the playground,
you know, I was lost.
A man comes up to me, he goes,
"Hey, if you don't know where you are,
"then go back to where you came from."
I was so shocked, because he had...
a turban on.
I'm like, this is the most multicultural racist
I've ever seen my life.
This is very progressive.
You notice, there's no gray.
Everything's black or white.
You know...
A friend texted me the other day.
She goes, "Ed, I'm trying to find
"a culturally-appropriate costume.
"What do you recommend?"
I'm like, "I recommend you delete my number.
"What am I, the spirit of Halloween?
"Just be a pumpkin. Just be a pumpkin."
I have a favorite question, though.
Somebody asked me the other day,
they go, "Ed, how do you feel about Shang-Chi?"
The first Asian Marvel superhero.
"How do you feel about Shang-Chi?"
I don't give a shit about Shang-Chi.
Why?
It's another Asian guy that excels at his craft.
I don't want to see that.
You know what I wanna see. I'll tell you what I wanna see.
I wanna see a TV show
about a homeless Asian hockey player.
And then she fails.
And she calls her parents,
and they talk about their feelings.
That's fantasy. That's never gonna happen.
See, the fact is...
we're all the same.
We spend all this time and energy on our differences,
but we're all the same.
I learned that very early on in my career.
In my early 20s, I did a comedy festival in Ohio.
And I stayed in a hostel.
Because at that moment in my life, I didn't have very much...
STDS.
And that's where you get more.
And my roommate, of all people in the world,
was an Italian exchange student named Alejandro.
He was from Rome.
He spoke almost no English.
And even though, from opposite sides of the world,
different men, different upbringing,
we felt the same.
We were uncomfortable.
It was a little room together, we had no privacy,
we had to change in front of each other.
Right? I don't want to see Alejandro's hairy Italian chest.
He didn't want to see my giant Asian penis.
Yeah, it's my story.
I'm gonna tell the way I want to tell it.
It's my story.
You know, we're all the same.
We're all good at math.
White people, they're good at math, too.
I also learned that in Ohio.
You know, after the show, Caucasian lady,
very nice, came up to me,
she goes, "Ed. I'd like to introduce you to my family.
"This is my first son from my second marriage.
"My second son from my third marriage.
"My third daughter from my fourth marriage.
"My fourth daughter from my second marriage."
I'm like, "This is advanced fractions.
"You're very good at math."
In all seriousness,
you know, I say we're all the same
because we all have the same thing.
We all have the power of choice.
That's a human condition.
Let me tell this story.
My wife and I were driving the other day,
I'm driving, she's in the passenger seat,
and we get pulled over.
Policeman walks to the car, you know, looks at us, goes,
"How long have you been in this country?"
Yeah.
A lot of silence.
We don't know what to say.
My wife interjects, she goes,
"Actually, Officer, um, this is my car."
The officer looks at her and goes, "Oh, if this is your car,
"I'm gonna let him go."
And he walks away. No citation, no warning.
And that is the power of choice.
'Cause ten years ago, I chose to fall in love
with a white woman,
ten years later, I saved myself $300.
Yeah, let's be honest. I'm dating a Black guy that day,
we're all in jail.
It's how society works.
So, what do we do?
I don't really know the answer, but I can tell you what I do.
You know, I meet people all the time,
from all over the world,
and I make mistakes all the time.
And I just own it, fix it, and I move on.
I don't get bitter or angry.
I just own it, fix it, and move on.
You know, a friend recently, who's...
who wants to go to a Taiwanese wedding, she's never been,
she goes, "Ed, got to buy a clock, a very nice clock.
"I'm gonna buy a very nice clock for the couple."
I'm like, "Take the clock. Take it!"
She goes to the wedding, gets kicked out instantly.
Yeah. She comes back, she says,
"Ed, I don't understand what happened."
I'm like, "Well, if you buy a clock for a Taiwanese couple,
"it means you're wishing death upon them."
She's like, "Why didn't you tell me?"
I'm like, "Well, now you know.
"You never forget."
Okay.
Just make your choices.
Own your shit.
Isn't that the way we should live anyways?
I saw Cousin Andy
for the first time in two years the other day.
Cousin Andy got kind of fat.
Nothing wrong with it.
He's always been underweight.
First time in history, he's overweight.
But he won't own it. He deflects.
I was trying to talk to him about it.
I was like, "Hey. So what's... what's going on?"
He goes, "Ed, you don't understand.
"I've been working from home."
I'm like, "Do you live in a gingerbread house?
"What does that even mean?"
Just own it. No one cares.
Because if you want to change something,
you better accept it.
You better see what's in front of you,
or it's never gonna change.
Look, I was sitting down with a friend the other day.
She asked me a question I wasn't ready for.
She goes, "Ed, what's your safe space?"
I didn't know what that meant, so I panicked. I was like,
"Uh, Costco?"
Which is not a healthy answer for any human being.
So I was like, "Ah, damn it. I said something wrong.
"She's gonna be offended, right? Here we go."
She leans back. She goes, "Oh, hmm, makes sense.
"Asians love Costco."
I'm like, "I don't think that's a stereotype."
So, I googled it.
It totally fucking is!
Asians love Costco.
There's an NBC News article on how much Asians love Costco.
It blew my mind.
This whole time, I thought I was buying
a thousand Ziploc bags 'cause I'm economical.
Turns out, it's in my destiny.
Yeah, I go to Costco now, I don't even show my card.
I walk right in and say,
"Look at my face. I belong here.
"And where's your shampoo? I need more."
I get it.
You know, the truth is very hard to hear.
It's very hard to hear.
I have a friend who's Jewish.
I've known him for a very long time.
And I don't know anything about his culture.
So, recently, I have to say, I sit down with him and say,
"Hey, why don't you tell me something about your culture?
"I'd really like to know."
And he goes, "Ed, did you know
"giraffes are kosher?"
I'm like, "Is this where we're gonna start?
"And are you eating giraffes? 'Cause that's a bigger problem."
And he went and explains, he's like, "Oh, no!
"You know, because they chew their own cud. They have hooves."
And I visibly look like I don't wanna talk about this.
So he sees that, he goes, "Okay, fine, Ed.
"What is something that you wanna know,
"you know, if people eat all the time
"that you may wanna know if it's kosher or not?"
I didn't wanna talk about this,
so I looked at him and I said,
"Is your mom kosher?"
I know, it's a super asshole thing to say,
but that's what I do. When I don't wanna talk about something,
I just say the dumbest thing so I can shut it down, you know?
I was at my massage therapist's office just earlier this week.
It's very early in the morning. I don't wanna talk.
I walk in, she's all cheerful.
She goes, "Ed, what would you like me to focus on today?"
I'm like, "Your job."
So, now I don't have a massage therapist.
It was the wrong thing to say.
You know, I've made mistakes.
You know? I own it.
When I was 17, I took a shortcut.
You know, at that time,
there was this law where you can take a driver's course,
you can bypass all the steps
and you get your license right away.
So, I took a course in Cantonese and had a terrible time.
My friend's like, "Ed, is it because Asians
"are teaching you how to drive?"
I'm like, "No, I don't speak Cantonese, you asshole."
Only thing I know how to say in Cantonese at that time is,
"Diu lei lo mo," which means "Fuck your mom."
I said the whole class.
You know what I used to do?
I used to steal Dad's porn.
It's a mistake of a young man.
I used to take the Playboy, you know, look at it,
and put it back before anybody comes home,
like nothing ever happened.
So, one day, everyone left the house, right?
So, I went and grabbed the Playboy,
I sit in the living room, I open it.
I just hear this voice from above, "Put it back!"
I'm like, "Uh, God?"
Turns out, Dad installed cameras all over the house,
and there's two-way microphones. That's how dumb I am.
I just pretend I was sleeping.
So, I close my eyes, lean back with a giant boner,
like that's gonna fool anybody.
Do you know why I say to own your shit?
Because I don't believe we're fragile people.
I've yet to meet one fragile person.
See, I wasn't raised fragile.
My first Christmas here in Canada,
I wanted to buy cookies for Santa.
I remember in the grocery store, I wanted to ask,
"Hey, Dad, can I buy cookies for Santa?"
He's like, "No!"
I'm like, "Why not?"
He's like, "'Cause Santa likes cash."
I was like, "How do you know?"
He's like, "'Cause I'm Santa Claus."
Christmas was ruined.
But he understood something.
It was very simple.
I see it now, too, I'm getting older.
You know, all that stuff out there, especially right now?
That doesn't matter.
That's never gonna end. There's always gonna be some stuff.
What matters is the little things.
It's what Dad taught me.
The most valuable thing
you can give somebody is your time.
'Cause you can never get that back.
That's why every time my wife comes to me and goes,
"Hey, Ed, do you wanna watch one of my TV shows with me,"
it doesn't matter what I'm doing,
I'll drop everything and I'll look at her and say,
"Hell, no.
"'Cause your shows are so bad, they're all dating shows.
"It's a waste of my life. I'm sorry."
You know...
Am I scared?
Terrified. I'm not gonna lie to you.
You know, but I realized something.
My faith is stronger than my fear.
I'm not religious, by the way.
I know I look like a monk. That's not what I'm saying.
My faith is in all of us.
I believe we have the wisdom within us
to make the most effective choices ourself.
It's in everyone's community. It's in mine.
Look, have you ever noticed there's no Asian terrorists?
'Cause we never make it.
I can literally kidnap 99 people tonight,
go back to Dad, and he'll be like,
"Why is not 100?"
It's never good enough.
And, to be honest, if I did something like that,
Dad would have killed me before the policemen showed up.
Police would be at the door and be like,
"Sir, we're here to speak to your son.
"He's been implicated in a crime."
Dad would be like, "I don't have a son.
"Somebody killed him."
Policemen would be like, "Oh, my God, who?
"Who killed your son, sir?"
"Santa Claus."
I was seeing another friend the other day,
and he was like,
"Ed, you tell people we're all the same.
"But look at you. You're different.
"You're from a different place.
"You're obviously different."
You need to remember this.
If Taiwan is my father, then Canada is my mother.
I've been here longer than I've been in Taiwan.
I learned all my values here.
And one value that Canada taught me
is that women hold the true strength
on this land.
I'll tell you three women in my life
that demonstrated that.
In 1942, at the height of World War II,
an 18-year-old woman shifted from Taipei to Tokyo
to help with the wars on the front.
As she crossed the strait, the ship in front of her
and behind her were sunk by submarines.
She got to Tokyo, within a week,
she's caught in a Tokyo bombing.
And she survived.
That woman was Grandma.
In 1972, an 18-year-old woman,
after lifelong physical abuse and unbelievable poverty,
against all odds,
decided to leave home for the first time in her life
to go to college.
That woman is Mom.
And in 2020, at the height of the pandemic,
a young Canadian woman, who lived her entire life
in a small town in Canada,
who hasn't even heard of Taiwan, took a chance at love
on a young Taiwanese man
who had aspirations to be a comedian.
That woman...
is Henry's girlfriend.
That's the true hero right there.
Why would she date that guy?
Dumped this shit in your car, too?
See, that dichotomy happens in all areas of my life.
Physically, I look just like Dad.
You know, psychologically, I'm Mom.
I have no sense of directions.
If I'm driving and I take the wrong turn,
and I don't have access to a GPS,
I live there now. That's my house.
People are like, "Ed, it can't be that bad."
I'm like, I got lost on my own street,
and I live in a cul-de-sac.
Mom's the same way. It's genetic.
Like, if her and I are driving together,
our final destination
is one of the oceans.
We were actually driving the other day. We're in Florida.
You know, she's driving, I'm in the passenger seat.
Trying to make it easy for her, I was like,
"Mom, just, when you get on the highway,
"just take Exit 70.
"It's all you gotta do, Exit 70. That's all."
She goes, "Okay."
Two minutes on the highway,
she takes a sharp right turn, cuts through every single lane,
almost hits every single car,
comes to a dead stop on the side of the highway.
I'm like, "What... what are you doing?"
She's like, "Exit 70."
I'm like, "That's the speed limit.
"How do you not know this?"
She's like, "I took a course in Cantonese."
I'm like, "I get it.
I did the same thing."
See, all this time,
I've just been glossing over
the strength of women in my life.
I just thought that's the way it was.
Aunt Kitty has a different last name
than the rest of the family.
I just thought that's the way it was.
Turns out, when they're young, Grandma's so poor,
she sold her to a richer family, so she can have a better life.
Isn't that incredible?
Doesn't it make you think?
How much money would it cost you
to give up what you love the most?
'Cause, look,
I love my wife, I truly do, from the bottom of my heart.
But if somebody offered me $50 billion?
I mean, I wouldn't do it, but you gotta think about it, right?
You gotta think about it.
I asked Mom that question.
I was like, "Hey Mom, how much would you sell Dad for?"
She's like, "50 bucks."
I'm like, "You're the wrong person to ask."
Mom is a strong woman.
She has to be.
She raised two sons.
We're not the best kids either. We're troublemakers.
One year, Uncle came to visit.
I pull Henry to the side,
I was like, "Hey, why don't you go tap Uncle on the balls?
"Just go tap him on the balls."
I was joking. I wasn't even serious.
He went and did it!
Mom got so mad, pulled me to the side,
"Why would you tell him to do that?
"Why would you tell your younger brother
"to do something like that?"
I'm like, "'Cause he's 25.
"I thought, developmentally, he could make his own choices.
"How is this my problem?"
But she's always taught us, "Stand up for yourselves."
In elementary school, I got beat up every day.
Every day, I got beat up.
It got so bad, Mom had to talk to the class.
She sat in front of the class. She'd be like,
"Everybody, please, please, don't touch Edward.
"Don't touch Edward."
And you know kids, right? They're jerks.
One of the kids in the back of the class put their hand like,
"Why can't we touch Edward?"
Mom was like, "'Cause he has herpes.
"You want herpes on your hand?"
I'm like, "Stop talking, Mom. You're helping nobody."
See, in 2020...
I walked away from a multi-million dollar TV show.
It was a show about our family.
I walked away because
the director at that time
wants to portray Mom as someone who's a cheater
and who had an affair outside the family.
Mom's a lot of things.
She's not a cheater.
I saw it with my own eyes.
We were at the swimming pool one time, a man came out to hit on her.
He's like, "Hey, can I get your number?"
And Mom just looks at him and goes,
"You're ugly," and walked away.
This is how strong she is.
We're having a dinner party the other day,
and she's cooking.
And for some freak accident, the lid on the pot slid off
and fell perpendicularly to the ground
and cut right through her foot.
You know what we did next?
We had dinner.
Yeah, she just patched it up and kept cooking.
It was the most gangster thing I've ever seen in my life.
If I'm having a dinner party, I cut myself,
you're leaving.
I don't care if you're the Queen or the President,
you better download Doordash.
See...
Mom always taught us to stand up for ourselves.
It's not easy, but it's right.
You know, I went out for ice cream one time
when I was little,
and my ice cream was a little small.
I just thought this was the way it was.
I was gonna walk away. She goes,
"No, you, go back in there.
"Tell them you want a bigger one."
So, I went to Dairy Queen and came out with a dip cone,
a chocolate dip cone.
You know, Mom saw that. She's like,
"Where did you get that?"
I'm like, "Well, I went to Dairy Queen
"and I stood up for myself."
She's like, "Yeah. But we went to Mcdonald's.
"Did you rob Dairy Queen?
"How did you make this happen?"
I wish I didn't say some things to Mom, though, you know?
You don't know. You're a kid.
I used to watch Mom make lunches for us.
Immigrant moms, sometimes,
lunch is a little different than everybody else's.
I used to go up to her and say, "Mom, can you make a sandwich?"
She never did.
One time, I got so frustrated, I went up to say,
"Mom, why are you such a bitch?"
And she went, "Fine!"
She didn't cook anything for a whole week.
I gotta figure it out.
And in the week, I was so hungry.
I went back to my mom, "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I said that.
"Can you please cook for me?
"Please cook for me. I'm so hungry."
She goes, "Okay, you owned it. I'll cook for you.
"Can I ask you one question?"
I'm like, "Yeah, what is it?"
She's like...
"Who's the bitch now?"
Strongest woman I know.
She was wise.
She taught me the value of family.
I'll tell you, my little family, it's my wife and I,
and we have a dog.
And I tell people I have a dog,
people who don't have a dog always ask the same things.
Like, "Ed, is it fun to have a dog?"
I'm like, "It's fun if you like direct eye contact all the time."
She's always looking at me, I don't know why.
Some mornings I wake up like, "Do I owe you money?
"Why are you staring at me?"
People don't believe you!
They're like, "No, Ed, it's like having
"a best friend in the house."
I'm like, "No."
What type of friend wipes their ass on your carpet?
That's not a friend.
My friends don't do that.
I have a Chihuahua, too.
So, it's just a little dog. No personal space.
Every time I'm eating, she's right next to me.
Like, she's saying, "What are you having?
What are you having?"
I'm like, "I'm having the urge to get a cat.
"Back up, six feet."
I read something on the Internet the other day.
I don't know if you ever read this.
Apparently, if you die
and nobody finds you, in five days,
your dog will eat you.
I'm like, "Oh, my God.
"There's no way my dog would wait that long.
"There's no way."
I had ketchup on my hand the other day,
she bit me right away.
You know what I mean?
But I see myself in her.
I never thought this would happen.
I thought she's an animal.
But she has this attitude.
She's like, "I just take care of myself."
She doesn't like the vet or the clinic.
I'm like, "That's me."
I don't like going to the doctor's or the hospital.
And it's not a good attitude.
Uncle died is in his early 40's from nasal cancer.
I should be screened. I don't go.
I'm gonna ruin our family's day very badly one day.
So I'm like, "You know what? I can't do this."
I booked an appointment with a doctor.
He was late, by the way.
He came with this big metal bar.
He goes, "Ed, we're gonna take a look in your mouth."
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm ready. Do what you're gonna do."
He shoves the bar down my throat.
I wasn't ready for that. I'm there gagging.
He pulls it out. He goes,
"Oh, Ed, how do you feel?"
I'm like, "I feel like apologizing to my wife."
Too much info, Ed.
I can be a better husband.
I had this "A-ha" moment recently.
Went to a financial advisor's office.
We're sitting there.
My financial advisor turns to me and goes,
"Ed, what are your retirement plans?"
I'm like, "I was just gonna die."
Yeah, that's my whole plan.
I was gonna use up all my money and die.
My wife's like, "What about me?" I'm like, "That's up to you.
"You're an independent women. You can figure it out."
You know why I said that?
Because I'm not a money person. I'm not.
Now, here's the thing. She never quits.
You know, she tries to involve me,
even if she knows I can't do it.
She was trying to talk to me about investments the other day.
And she's like, "Ed, we got some money left over.
"Would you like to put it in bonds or stocks?"
I wasn't even listening.
I was giving her, like, a no answer.
I'm like, "Yeah, sometimes in life, you just gotta do
"what you got to do, right?"
She's like, "No, Ed, I want one suggestion from you today.
"You never suggest anything.
"I want one suggestion from you today."
So I said, true story,
I said, 'Why don't we just buy gold
"and put it in the closet?
She's like, "What, are you a fucking dragon?
"What type of idea is this?"
I don't know. I would divorce me at this point.
I dropped an entire rotisserie chicken
on the ground the other day.
Yeah, entire chicken.
Yeah, I'm gonna try to put it back.
She's like, "What are you doing?"
I'm like, "It's the five-second rule.
"It's still good."
She's like, "Yeah, we're in the parking lot.
"Do you want me to eat gravel chicken?"
People ask me, "Ed, is she your soulmate?"
I'm like, she's my checkmate, I'll tell you that.
She's not mean. She's very nice.
She just knows me better than I know myself.
We went on a little date recently, ice cream place.
It was very cute.
I'm looking at the menu, I'm like, "You know what?
"I'm gonna get pistachio ice cream."
She's like, "You're not gonna like that."
Immediately, I get defensive.
"You don't know me. I'm my own man.
"You don't know me."
So, ordered it, took one bite, fucking hated it.
She's like, "I told you."
I'm like, "How did you know?"
She's like, "'Cause you ordered this last week."
"You've done this three times in a row."
"I don't know what's wrong with you."
I do this all the time.
Called my credit card the other day.
Agent on the phone is like,
"Sir, can I get your account number?"
I gave him a ten-digit number.
Agent's like, "Sir, that is not enough digits."
I'm like, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
"That's my wife's phone number.
"I need you to call her and ask for the account number
"'cause I have no clue what the hell is going on right now."
But you know what I realized?
You just need to know one thing.
What's that?
I just need to know how she makes me feel.
She makes me feel safe.
I need her.
I need someone in my life
who is willing to read instruction manuals.
Yeah, I don't read any of that.
That's the first thing I throw out with everything I open.
We got some Ikea furniture recently.
It's sitting in the living room.
You know, she left. I'm like,
"I'm just gonna build it," right?
I threw out the instructions right away.
I'm like, "I don't need this. I build Legos."
So, I finished the shelf. It's a very nice shelf.
She comes back and she goes, "Ed, what is this?"
I'm like, "It's the shelf we just bought.
Isn't it nice?"
She's like, "Yeah, it's supposed to be seven chairs.
"How did it turn to one shelf?"
I'm like, "Just be glad it's not a pirate ship.
"I build Legos."
I...
I realized I've been focusing on the wrong things.
You know, I focus on romance.
That's paint. It'll fade.
You know what I did on my first date with my wife?
I rented a music studio,
and I sang her a song that I wrote.
Super romantic, isn't it?
Dumbest idea ever.
Because bar is way up here now.
Every time we go out for dinner, she's sitting there, she goes,
"So, Ed, are you gonna sing tonight?"
I'm like, "What am I, a Disney princess?"
Yeah, here's a song.
♪ Let it go ♪
Because it's honesty that keeps things together.
Mom and Dad have been together for 40 years.
Forty years, four-zero.
They went for a hike recently, got chased by a bear.
I went to Dad, I'm like, "Dad, were you worried?"
He's like, "No."
I'm like, "How were you so calm?"
He's like, "'Cause I know I run faster than your mom."
I'm like, that's honesty.
Don't lie.
I know it's easy. Don't do it.
I used to lie to my wife.
You know what I told her when I first met her?
I told her I liked country music.
I don't like country music.
She even busted me, too.
She's like, "Oh, yeah? What country?"
I'm like, "Taiwan.
"It's an independent, democratic country."
You know why I say don't lie?
'Cause it's a blessing to be loved.
See, I do this silly little thing.
Every card I get, Christmas card,
thank-you card,
birthday cards. I kept all of it.
I have hundreds of cards at home.
And people always ask me,
"Ed, what are you gonna do with all these cards?"
Well, there's gonna be a moment in the future.
I'm gonna sit down my kid and be like,
"One day, this will all be yours." -
"And there's some shampoo in the back.
"Your granddad gave us those.
"It's all garbage. I don't want it. Take it."
Because I know what's it like not to be loved.
The last relationship with the woman I was with,
she told me I wasn't good enough on the night of the proposal.
I had to take the ring back.
It was way past policy.
She was very nice. She goes, "Ed, I understand.
"I know what's going on. You don't have to say anything.
"Just stand there. I got it. Don't worry."
Big purchase, big refund. Took forever.
I felt terrible.
So, I started a conversation.
I said, "Hey, this happened a lot?
"Do people bring rings back all the time?
"Does this happen all the time?"
I just remember she looked at me
with the kindest eyes and said,
"Never."
I was broken.
But beauty belongs to the broken.
Nothing teaches you acceptance like a heartbreak.
I'll tell you my first heartbreaks.
It was the last summer of my high school.
That summer, I fell in love with a girl named Whitney.
And Whitney lived about six hours away from me.
So, that summer I begged Dad to buy me a bus ticket
and a place to stay, so I could go see her.
To my surprise, he agreed.
I took the bus there. Whitney's there to pick me up.
With a brand-new boyfriend named Matthew.
It was a terrible weekend. So lonely.
I took the bus back, Dad's there picking me up. I get in the car.
He looks at me, he goes, "No good, huh?"
And I'm like, is this a father's intuition?
Am I having a father-son moment for the first time in my life?
It turns out, Whitney called the house a week ago
and left a voicemail saying she has a new boyfriend.
Dad heard it, never told me.
Yeah, but it was a beautiful moment.
Because the thing I don't want to happen happened,
and I was okay.
In fact, I was so okay,
I became a goth.
You can't be Asian and a goth. Doesn't make any sense.
I have to put on makeup to become white.
Like every time I walk out of the room, Dad would be like,
"Are you a geisha? We're not Japanese."
It's truly a blessing to be loved.
It is.
That's why if you love me...
today, I thank you.
I truly do. I know we just met, but I thank you.
You gave me your time. That's all I need.
And if you hate me, just know this...
I'm rooting for you. I am.
Because hate is not an emotion, it's a choice.
You made a very difficult choice.
Recently, I was having a conversation
with a gentleman from Ireland.
He just got here a few weeks ago.
He just landed. We had a great talk.
And the most incredible part of our talk
is the whole time he was talking,
I did not understand a single word that came out of his mouth.
His accent's way too thick.
The whole time he was talking,
I was thinking about...
Lucky Charms.
But I had a choice to make.
I can either listen to this person
and think about leprechauns and marshmallows...
or I can look this very white man in the face and say,
"Speak English. You're in my country now."
You know what's the most interesting thing?
Is the hardest person to love...
is yourself.
Yeah. I don't take care of myself.
You know those 99 cent tacos at Taco Bell?
I look at them, like, "Oh, my God, for $10,
"I can have diarrhea."
You know, I haven't gone to the gym for a long time, too.
People ask me, "Ed,
"is it because of the lockdown?"
I'm like, "The lockdown during 2012?
"Because that's how long it's been."
And I went back recently. I did.
And again, I didn't take care of myself,
didn't pace myself. I passed out on the bench press.
Yeah. The trainer had to come revive me.
He gave me oxygen. Woke me up.
He gave me a banana. He goes, "Eat it."
I'm like, "It's okay. I'm just gonna go home."
He goes, "No, eat it or you can't go home."
So, at this point, the entire gym is staring at us,
and this super buff guy is just forcing me to eat a banana.
So. I ate it so I could go home.
So, now I can...
Now I can never go back, 'cause I'm that guy.
I'm the banana guy.
Because I have this mentality.
It's a dangerous mentality.
Walk it off, right?
That'll kill you one day.
See, a year ago, I got rear ended,
and I just walked it off.
I didn't go to physio or massage.
And four weeks later, I was in so much pain,
I couldn't get up.
And this is how stubborn I am.
I convinced myself I had kidney stones,
so I drank a shit-ton of water.
So, that night I went to bed, I couldn't get up,
so I pissed the bed.
I woke my wife up.
She touched the moisture, she wakes.
She says, "Oh, my God, are you okay?"
I'm like, "Whatever you do, don't tell Dad.
"Just don't tell Dad."
The first step to becoming a person
is to embrace your humanity.
I'm gonna tell you something right now
that might change your opinion of who I am,
but I'm gonna tell you anyways.
I'm not truthful.
I tell people what they want to hear,
so they'll like me.
I tell people I like pizza.
I hate pizza.
I get a million questions. People like,
"Ed, how about cheesy bread?"
And I'm like, "That's just part of the pizza."
That's like somebody told you. "Hey, I don't like penis."
You're like, "How about foreskin?"
It's the same thing. It's the same structure.
Henry doesn't even believe me. You know what he did? I told him.
He bought a bunch of Domino's pizza.
He goes, "Ed, eat this, you'll change your mind."
I'm like, "That's not how you convince somebody."
That's like if you don't like sushi, I'm like,
"You know where we're going? 7-Eleven.
"We're gonna have some salmonella rolls."
So, what are you gonna do?
I decided...
I'm gonna do the things I want to do,
rather than I have to do.
Because every time I do something I don't want to do,
I become a person I don't even know anymore.
When I was 29...
I did a comedy festival in Carbondale, Illinois.
I didn't want to go.
I went for superficial reasons.
For exposure, for connections.
We had to transfer in St. Louis.
As the flight was taking off,
the tornado touched down and destroyed the airport.
It was a terrible flight.
Flight's dipping, flipping and diving.
That was the moment I realized
women are the stronger of all of us.
Because I look on my right, there's an old lady knitting a hat.
And she's making clothes while I'm making shit in my clothes.
And she knew I was anxious because she saw me,
she leans over, she goes, "It's okay, sonny.
"The tornado has only killed one person this year."
I'm like, it's January 15th.
This is not a very good track record.
I land, I do my show.
I can't get home because the airport's gone.
So I have to take a train from Carbondale to Chicago.
So, that night, I call a taxi.
Five blocks away, the taxi comes to a dead stop.
I go, "Sir, uh, the station is still up there."
He goes, "Oh, no, man. You got to walk.
"The tornado has brought so much water in the area,
"there's a flash flood coming.
"It's gonna push the car into the river."
I'm like, "Uh, is it safe to walk?"
He's like, "Yeah, don't worry.
"The tornado has only killed one person this year."
I'm like, "Is it the motto of this town?
"Am I that person?"
So, knee-deep water. I run to the station.
I get on the train.
And I got to tell you,
when I'm scared, I get the runs.
I'm like a squid. I squirt and go.
So, I thought, "You know what? I'll take some Imodium."
Right? Because it's a long ride. I don't want to make a mess.
I was so flustered, I accidentally took Nyquil.
That was eight hours of drowsy diarrhea.
In that moment of stupor, I realized something.
I should've always done what Mom and Dad did.
They may not know the best thing,
but they always did what they wanted to do.
See, I get home.
I walk through the door, and my wife's there.
And I haven't told her any of this.
She's watching the news.
And she turns around and she goes,
"Ed, how can you do this to me?
"What if you never come home?
"How can you do this? What if I don't see you again?"
I just remember looking in her eyes, I said,
"Don't worry.
"The tornado has only killed one person this year."
So you can see me right now, I don't have much body hair.
You may not know this,
Asians are descendants of dolphins.
No, that's so stupid.
Here's the truth.
I don't have much body here, but for some reason,
when I was seven, I had a full mustache.
I have a thick black mustache.
So my body thought my face was my balls.
If you look at my seven-year-old class photo,
I look like an undercover pedophile.
You're like, "Who's that uncle in the bowtie?"
I took the mustache from Taipei to Vancouver.
I walk into class,
teacher didn't know what to do.
She's like, "Who is this 45-year-old man in my class?"
You know what she did?
She put me with other kids that looked like me.
They don't even speak the same language.
They spoke Vietnamese, they spoke Korean.
They beat me up every day.
Every single day, they beat me up.
You know who helped me? Is the white kids.
I am truly thankful for their friendship.
When I graduated middle school,
no one wanted to sign my yearbook.
Not a single soul.
Only one kid did.
His name is Brett Glossly.
He wrote, "Ed, Have a great summer."
He goes, "Why don't you sign mine?"
Never been asked. I didn't even know what to do.
I wanna say something nice.
My English was not very good at the time.
I wanted to say something like,
"Hey, I'll see you after summer."
What I wrote was,
"I'll be watching you when winter comes."
Which is the creepiest thing you can write in someone's book.
You see, I'm on stages all the time.
And you may not know this,
for my whole life, I've been told
I'm not good enough.
Teachers said I'm too stupid.
Coaches said I'm too slow.
Agents say I'm too boring.
It happened the other day.
A gentleman sent me a message after the show.
He goes, "Ed, you are a bad person.
"Calling out brown people? You are a bad person."
I know what he was referring to.
He was referring to the story I told you about the man with the turban
on the playground, which I never said he was brown.
He could have been Justin Trudeau.
But here's the thing, I'm not truthful.
I exaggerate.
But that story, ironically, happens to be 100% true.
It happened November 17th, 1994,
on the playground of Pinetree Way Elementary School,
in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada.
So, is that man a bad person for saying that to me?
Am I a bad person for telling you that story?
Or maybe, just maybe, none of this matters.
Maybe what we need to do is figure out who we are
before we try to understand other people.
Because a wise man once told me,
"If you don't know where you are,
"then go back to where you came from."
It sounds like you've changed.
I learned something.
Life is full of disappointments.
If you can survive it, you're invincible.
I realized, at any point,
if you can't do this anymore and you feel alone,
just talk to the women in your life.
Because the simple fact of talking about it
takes the power away from the crisis.
See, recently, I had a chance
to go for a little walk with my wife,
just to walk and talk around Mom and Dad's place.
We came across this new new coffee shop.
We've never seen it. It's very busy.
So, I had an idea. I said," You know what? Let me go in there.
"I'll get the drinks. It's faster this way.
"And we'll keep talking and we'll keep walking."
I go inside. Had to go to the bathroom.
Because of Taco Bell.
And I clogged the toilet.
So I just left. I didn't get the drinks.
My wife's like, "Where are the drinks?"
I'm like, "It doesn't matter. We gotta go.
"Just keep walking."
She goes. "No, Ed, tell me." So, I told her.
And I saw the same disappointment on her face
as when I called Mom a bitch.
She goes, "Ed, no, please.
"Go in there, get our drinks,
"apologize, and own your shit."
Literally.
So, I'm like, "Fine. Okay. I promised."
So, I go in there again. You know, it's very busy.
I have to cut through the crowd.
You know, the lady's at the counter. I'm so nervous.
I'm like, "Hey, I'm so sorry."
She goes, "Oh, don't worry about it. We already know."
I'm like, "You already know?"
She's like, "Yeah, it's part of being human.
"Don't even worry about it."
I'm like, "Oh, good. Thank you for saying that.
"'Cause I think I just put too much toilet paper in the toilet."
And she pauses, she goes,
"What are you talking about?"
I'm like, "No!"
She's like, "Yeah, you're the guy with herpes."
I'm like, "Damn it, Mom."
So, before I came here today,
I was actually at Mom and Dad's.
I was there with my wife.
We're looking through old family albums.
And there's all these photograph evidence of me
destroying every family vacation we ever had.
'Cause I'm in full goth makeup.
And Dad walks by, he sees the photo,
he just goes, "Stupid Ed," and he walks away.
And as invalidating and judgmental
as that may seem,
that's his acceptance.
He finally accepted who I am as a person.
You see, when I was 16, I made a choice.
I chose to hate love.
See, that summer...
I tried to kill myself.
'Cause all the love I was giving away
never came back.
But in the midst of that pain, something incredible happened.
I looked up to whoever and whatever's above,
I asked them to show me a miracle.
And they did.
That miracle
was a stupid kid who was born in Taiwan
and raised in Canada.
He has a mustache as big as his manhood.
He has a family who knows no boundaries
and lives a world that makes no sense.
Even though he may not always know it,
he does not have herpes,
and he is worthy of love.
I have a confession to make to you.
It took us 38 years to learn this.
Sometimes it's good enough to be just me.