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Now I'm a herpes boy. 62 00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:14,895 - "That's what I am." - [MAN CHUCKLES] 63 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:17,698 By the way, if you got skin tags, 64 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:18,899 you don't have to go to the doctor. 65 00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:20,400 Just do it yourself. I did it myself. 66 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:21,702 You just go to the pharmacy, 67 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,204 you get what they call a skin tag remover kit. 68 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,973 It comes with a swab of chemicals. 69 00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:27,341 You put the swab in the chemicals, 70 00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:28,809 you put the swab on your skin tag, 71 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:30,244 and in about ten days, 72 00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:32,980 it'll become completely infected. 73 00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:35,315 Yeah. Don't do it. Just go to the doctor. 74 00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:36,817 MAN: Thank you for the advice. 75 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:40,420 I know you've noticed, um, 76 00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:43,824 there's no sense of time when it comes to family. 77 00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:47,828 My mom calls me in a panic two weeks ago, 78 00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,162 2:00 in the morning. 79 00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:50,564 You know, she's like, "Ed, you got to come over. 80 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:51,865 "Your dad's in trouble." 81 00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:53,767 I'm like, "Oh, my God, is he sick?" 82 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,203 All right, so I drive to the house, I rush inside. 83 00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:57,704 Everyone's in the backyard. 84 00:03:57,704 --> 00:04:00,607 I'm like, "What's, what's going on?" 85 00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:04,545 She's like, "Oh, your dad lost his glasses in the yard." 86 00:04:04,545 --> 00:04:07,447 I'm like, "Why are we doing this at 2:00 in the morning?" 87 00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:09,049 She's like, "'Cause he can't see." 88 00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:10,517 I'm like, "Yeah, 'cause it's nighttime. 89 00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:11,451 "Nobody can see." 90 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,255 Straight face, she looks at me, 91 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,757 she's like, "Oh, yeah? 92 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:20,227 "What if a bird takes it and walks away?" 93 00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:23,697 I'm like, "Do you live on Sesame Street?" 94 00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:27,401 Is Big Bird gonna jack your shit and walk away? 95 00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,369 You know, just everything is a crisis with them. 96 00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:31,305 Everything is DEFCON 5. 97 00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:32,606 I was just in the house the other day, 98 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:33,807 just relaxing on the couch. 99 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:34,942 She comes in with her phone. 100 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,443 She's like, "Big red dot, big red dot." 101 00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,278 I'm like, "Just give me your phone." 102 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,448 The red dot, apparently, 103 00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:44,651 is the notification on her email app. 104 00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:48,255 And she has 300,000 unread emails. 105 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:50,157 I'm like, "What is this?" 106 00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:52,793 She's like, "Oh, it's from last week." 107 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:55,996 I'm like, "Did you sign up for the entire Internet last week? 108 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,798 "Like, how is this possible?" 109 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,833 You know what? I get it. She's not good with phones. 110 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,468 So I said, "You know what? Just take it back. 111 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:02,669 "Take your phone back. 112 00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:05,005 "Take a week, Mom. Read all your emails. 113 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,507 "Give it back to me. I'll back it up. 114 00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:07,808 "You're good to go." 115 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,610 She does it, which is great. 116 00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:11,278 So I'm there, backing up the phone. 117 00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:13,080 Halfway through, the phone gets stuck. 118 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,449 I'm like, "What is wrong with this phone?" 119 00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:18,452 So I check the log and it says 120 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:22,422 she has 600,000 photos 121 00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:26,460 of screenshots of all the emails she just read. 122 00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,862 Two for each one, in case she lost one. 123 00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,597 I'm like, "I don't know how to fix this. 124 00:05:30,597 --> 00:05:32,833 "This is humanly impossible." 125 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,868 She's standing there, she's like, "Should we restart?" 126 00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,336 I'm like, "You mean our relationship? 127 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,705 "Yeah, we should restart." 128 00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:40,707 The older I get, the less I know Mom and Dad. 129 00:05:41,808 --> 00:05:43,844 Dad killed a rat recently. 130 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,613 Most people would have poisoned or trapped it. 131 00:05:46,613 --> 00:05:48,215 Not this guy. 132 00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:51,218 He knocked it unconscious and buried it alive in the backyard. 133 00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:52,853 This man raised children. 134 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,788 You know what's the most messed up part I found? 135 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:57,457 He kills every animal that comes to the yard 136 00:05:57,457 --> 00:06:00,727 and buries it alive in the back at night. 137 00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:02,563 He's not looking for his glasses. 138 00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:05,165 - He's looking for his victims. - [MAN LAUGHS] 139 00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:07,234 I'm in the driveway the other day, where I just cleaned my car, 140 00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:08,402 and the neighbor sees me, comes over. 141 00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:09,970 He goes "Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed. 142 00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:11,405 "Your dad was in the yard 143 00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:12,639 "last night at 3:00 in the morning. 144 00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:13,874 "He's planting something. 145 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:14,842 "What's he planting?" 146 00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:17,244 I'm like, "Your cat. 147 00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:19,046 "That's what he's planting. It's your cat." 148 00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:24,017 My phone is on, um, airplane mode now 149 00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:25,319 'cause I'm in the waiting room, 150 00:06:25,319 --> 00:06:26,587 Mom's texting me the whole time. 151 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,155 The entire time, she's texting me. 152 00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,389 She sent me a video, 153 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,991 when I was out there, just now, 154 00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,159 that says, "Edward, look, 155 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:35,062 "this pizza man is taking a woman hostage." 156 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:38,265 I'm like, "This is porn. 157 00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:40,200 - "You're sending me porn. - [MAN LAUGHS] 158 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,336 "Why are you watching porn?" 159 00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:46,773 See, this is the most interesting part, 160 00:06:46,773 --> 00:06:50,677 is you can talk about anything, in our family, 161 00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:52,579 just do not talk about feelings. 162 00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:55,182 Do not bring up feelings. 163 00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:58,018 Only time I talked about feelings was in grade eight. 164 00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,087 I remember when, to Dad I said, "Hey, Dad. 165 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:03,590 "I feel like I'm not good enough." 166 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,925 He said, "You're correct." 167 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:08,095 I'm like, "Wait, what? That's not what I wanted." 168 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:09,263 That's the thing. 169 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,532 There's two rules in every Asian household. 170 00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:12,633 Just two. 171 00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:15,068 There's no feelings and cash only. 172 00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,537 [CHUCKLING] That's the only two rules we've got. 173 00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:21,375 I think that's why, growing up in high school, 174 00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:23,110 you know, all my friends were white. 175 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,244 All my friends were white. 176 00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:27,748 'Cause white people, 177 00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:28,815 they're really good listeners. 178 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,919 I mean, I still don't trust them, 179 00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:33,453 but you're really good listeners. 180 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,590 And it's just so confusing 181 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,759 'cause they were so open with their emotions. 182 00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:39,826 I wasn't. 183 00:07:39,826 --> 00:07:41,562 I remember high school, 184 00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:42,629 you know, our friend, Jeff... 185 00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,132 drove us to school. 186 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,000 And, you know, 187 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,002 we're getting to school. We're getting out of the car. 188 00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:51,004 You know, his mom was driving, 189 00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:54,174 and he just goes, "I love you." 190 00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:56,243 And his mom goes, "I love you, too." 191 00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:58,579 And she kissed him on the cheek. 192 00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,447 I was walking to school, I was so confused. 193 00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:02,015 I was like, "Hey, Jeff, 194 00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:03,617 "are you fucking your mom?" 195 00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:04,751 [MAN CHUCKLES] 196 00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:07,120 "Like what is going on in your house?" 197 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:10,357 Because mental health is not a conversation 198 00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:12,860 in the Asian community. We don't talk about it. 199 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:15,462 As an Asian in high school, when I was 16, 200 00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:17,865 I cried myself to sleep every night. 201 00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:20,934 Every single night, I cried myself to sleep. 202 00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,302 It got so bad 203 00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:25,506 there's dried tear patches all over the bed. 204 00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,975 Mom used to change my bedsheets. 205 00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:29,510 Never talked about it. 206 00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:31,845 I brought it up recently. 207 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,213 I was like, "Mom, you ever noticed 208 00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:35,048 "the patches on the bed? 209 00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:36,450 "Like, what did you think it was?" 210 00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:38,619 She's like, "Oh! 211 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,787 "I thought you were just touching yourself." 212 00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:43,457 I'm like, "Twenty times a day?" 213 00:08:43,457 --> 00:08:44,958 She's like, "Like father, like son!" 214 00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:46,960 I'm like, "Oh, my God, I don't wanna talk about it. 215 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,362 "Just show me the porn. 216 00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:49,696 "We're fine." 217 00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:53,000 It got so bad, 218 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,336 with my behavioral emotional issues in high school, 219 00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:58,972 I got called in to the school counselor's office. 220 00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,307 And the school's counselor sat me down, 221 00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:01,909 she's like, "Ed, 222 00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:06,246 "have you ever considered family therapy?" 223 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,648 I'm like, "Yes! 224 00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:09,383 "With my brand-new foster family." 225 00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:13,720 Mom and Dad don't do therapy. 226 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,190 You know, I'll tell you how they cope. 227 00:09:16,190 --> 00:09:17,391 They buy things. 228 00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:19,059 You know, the more problems there are, 229 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,527 the more things they buy. 230 00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:22,829 The best way to describe their house right now 231 00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,431 is a fire hazard. 232 00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:26,233 There's stuff everywhere. 233 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,868 Right now, Dad's room in his house, 234 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,203 there's just all shampoo. 235 00:09:29,203 --> 00:09:31,338 There's hundreds of bottles of shampoo. 236 00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,273 And he's part of it, too. 237 00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:34,741 Because every time I go over, 238 00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,077 I feel like I'm in the middle of Lion King. 239 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,345 He's like, "My son. 240 00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:41,248 "One day, this will all be yours." 241 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:44,051 - And I'm like, "Dad, I don't have any hair." - [MAN LAUGHS] 242 00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:45,118 He's like, "Not to worry." 243 00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:46,353 Opens the door. It's all Rogaine. 244 00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:47,921 I'm like, "What the hell is this house?" 245 00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:50,524 There's only one moment... 246 00:09:52,226 --> 00:09:53,560 in our entire life 247 00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:56,430 I saw my way into mental health with Mom and Dad. 248 00:09:56,430 --> 00:10:00,901 It's about five years into immigration. 249 00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:03,303 You know, Mom and Dad had this huge fight, 250 00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:07,574 this marriage-ending, life-changing fight. 251 00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:09,042 And I'm really in the fight, 252 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,544 Dad's standing in the corner of the house, 253 00:10:10,544 --> 00:10:12,913 just defeated as a man. 254 00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:15,782 I saw that, I was so sad. I was devastated. 255 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,985 He saw me sitting. He walks over, he goes, 256 00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:20,053 "Edward, let me tell you something. 257 00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:23,156 "Your emotions is like fire. 258 00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:27,261 "If you let it burn, it will destroy everything." 259 00:10:27,261 --> 00:10:28,729 And I saw it. 260 00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:30,564 That's my moment. 261 00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:34,835 I was like, "Dad, do you want to get therapy?" 262 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,637 He looks at me, he goes, 263 00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:40,174 "Do you want to get a Playstation?" 264 00:10:40,174 --> 00:10:41,675 I'm like, "Yeah, fuck therapy. 265 00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:43,844 "This is so much better. I understand now." 266 00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,078 MAN: It's a problem. 267 00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,081 It's a huge problem. 268 00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:49,283 But you know what? 269 00:10:49,283 --> 00:10:50,817 That's their truth. 270 00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:54,188 You can't judge people for their truth. 271 00:10:54,188 --> 00:10:55,989 It's hard to see outside your truth. 272 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,357 Like, give me-- I'll give you an example. 273 00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:00,027 I do a lot of fishing. 274 00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:02,329 You know, this one morning, Saturday morning, very early, 275 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:03,797 I'm sitting on the dock. 276 00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:05,032 I turn around, 277 00:11:05,032 --> 00:11:08,802 and there's a kid fishing with my fishing rod. 278 00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:11,471 So I just went, "Hey, drop it! That's mine! Now." 279 00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:13,774 He goes, "Oh, sorry, sir." He drops it, runs away. 280 00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:15,175 I'm like, "Kids, right? They don't know. 281 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,777 "It's not a big deal." 282 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:18,712 So I keep fishing. 283 00:11:18,712 --> 00:11:19,847 At the end of the day, 284 00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:23,016 I go back to my car, I open the trunk, 285 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,985 and there was... 286 00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:27,020 was my fishing rod. 287 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,223 And that's the same time I realized 288 00:11:29,223 --> 00:11:32,292 I fucking robbed a kid. 289 00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,027 Like he's just there, enjoying his Saturday, 290 00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,729 some random guy just turned around, 291 00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:37,331 just went, "Hey, drop it! 292 00:11:37,331 --> 00:11:38,565 "That's mine now." 293 00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:40,834 Couldn't see outside my truth. 294 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:43,570 But here's the thing. 295 00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:47,241 Your truth may not be the truth. 296 00:11:48,509 --> 00:11:50,043 See, Dad told me this story one time. 297 00:11:51,345 --> 00:11:53,146 Once upon a time, there's a farmer. 298 00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,982 He had two buckets. 299 00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:57,017 Used the buckets to get water from the lake for his farm. 300 00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:59,586 One day, one of the buckets broke. 301 00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:00,888 So the bucket said to the farmer, 302 00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,756 "Sir, I'm no good. I'm broken. 303 00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,925 "You have to let me go." 304 00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:06,326 Farmer says, "No, you're great, 305 00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:07,761 "'cause look... look at this path we've been on. 306 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:10,664 "Because you're leaking, now it's blooming with flowers. 307 00:12:10,664 --> 00:12:11,732 "You are something." 308 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,868 I heard that, I'm like, "Oh, my God, 309 00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,904 "don't give up on who you are, right, Dad?" 310 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,908 Dad's like, "No! It means don't do drugs. 311 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:23,243 - "That guy's talking to buckets." - [MAN LAUGHS] 312 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:25,112 Your truth may not be the truth. 313 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,615 And I get it. 314 00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,584 'Cause you can't believe anything you see these days. 315 00:12:30,584 --> 00:12:32,252 Right? You can't believe a thing. 316 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,721 Ever tried googling yourself recently? 317 00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:36,056 That shit is bananas. 318 00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:37,391 I googled myself the other day. 319 00:12:37,391 --> 00:12:40,961 Google says I have $5 million. 320 00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,463 It missed the mark 321 00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:46,233 by $5 million. 322 00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:48,235 I don't have any money. 323 00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:50,938 This is the best part about the write-up. 324 00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:53,974 It says net worth, $5 million. 325 00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:56,143 Ethnicity, to be determined. 326 00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:58,478 I'm like, "I've never had money. 327 00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:00,547 "I've always been Asian. How is it even possible?" 328 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,884 And nothing makes any sense. 329 00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,118 Nothing. 330 00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:07,654 Just this morning, I was at Starbucks, right. 331 00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:09,323 I was getting a coffee. 332 00:13:09,323 --> 00:13:10,924 I paid for my coffee. 333 00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:13,627 And the lady goes, "Sir, can I get a name for the cup?" 334 00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:14,928 I'm like, "Yeah, of course. 335 00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:16,496 "My name is Ed." 336 00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,599 She's like, "How do you spell that?" 337 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,568 So I just left. I couldn't do it. 338 00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:23,170 I just left. 339 00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:24,571 My friend was like, "Why don't you just spell it for her?" 340 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:26,940 I'm like, "Because she's making my coffee. 341 00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,775 "I don't trust her. 342 00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:30,310 "If she can't spell Ed, 343 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:33,113 "what the fuck is she making? 344 00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:34,915 "Is she just shitting in my cup?" 345 00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,450 "It's the same color? Don't worry about it. We're fine. We're fine." 346 00:13:37,351 --> 00:13:39,453 So I feel bad for the kids. 347 00:13:39,453 --> 00:13:41,255 My nephew was freaking out the other day, 348 00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:43,323 he had this big test coming up, you know, he's so stressed. 349 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,591 And I was like, "Okay, let me help you. 350 00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,260 "I'll help you, right? Show me the question." 351 00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:47,461 And it was a math-- 352 00:13:47,461 --> 00:13:49,029 It's a math test I'll tell you the question. 353 00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,498 Here is the question, it says, "If you're at a campsite, 354 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,333 "and you walk three miles to the south, 355 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,968 "and three miles to the east, 356 00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:56,937 "and then three miles to the north, 357 00:13:56,937 --> 00:14:00,607 "and you bump into a bear. 358 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,509 "What color is that bear?" 359 00:14:03,777 --> 00:14:05,279 What type of question is that? 360 00:14:05,279 --> 00:14:07,147 So my nephew's sitting there, he goes, 361 00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:08,348 "Uncle Ed, what do I do?" 362 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,717 I'm like, "I think you should do drugs." 363 00:14:10,717 --> 00:14:11,885 [MAN LAUGHS] 364 00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:13,187 "Cause it's not working." 365 00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:16,023 Everything is upside down. 366 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,858 People with the most responsibility 367 00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,359 has the least accountability. 368 00:14:20,861 --> 00:14:22,629 You know, I don't know if you noticed, 369 00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:25,032 there's almost no doctors 370 00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:26,867 that's on time. 371 00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:30,170 Yeah. Henry's a doctor. I called him. 372 00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:33,540 I was like, "Hey, why are you guys always late?" 373 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:37,978 He's like, "Ed, I, uh, I can't talk about this right now." 374 00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:39,746 I'm like, "Why not?" 375 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,515 He's like, "'Cause I'm late for something." 376 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,052 He's an eye surgeon. 377 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:46,320 The whole profession makes no sense. 378 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:47,754 I don't know if you know, 379 00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:49,089 there's a different doctor for every part of your eye. 380 00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,991 Doctor for your cornea, doctor for your retina, 381 00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:53,527 doctor for your eyelids, doctor for your eyebrows. 382 00:14:53,527 --> 00:14:56,096 I'm like, "Why do you need so many doctors 383 00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:57,097 "for one body part?" 384 00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:02,669 He's like, "Ed, the human body is very complicated." 385 00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:04,104 I'm like, "Really? 386 00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:06,106 "Is that why my doctor used the same finger 387 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,441 "for my throat and my ass? 388 00:15:07,441 --> 00:15:10,010 "Is that why?" So complicated. 389 00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:13,780 Somebody asked me the other day, it's an interesting question, 390 00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:15,048 they go, 391 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,251 "Ed, would you ever let Henry, your brother, 392 00:15:17,251 --> 00:15:19,119 "operate on your eye?" 393 00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:21,088 I'll say, "Yeah, of course. 394 00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,457 - "If I wanna go blind." - [MAN CHUCKLES] 395 00:15:23,457 --> 00:15:26,627 I mean, he's a great doctor. He's amazing. 396 00:15:26,627 --> 00:15:28,629 It's just, I know him. 397 00:15:28,629 --> 00:15:31,732 I just can't trust somebody who thought Pokemons were real 398 00:15:31,732 --> 00:15:32,766 until they were 18. 399 00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:35,135 [MAN LAUGHS] 400 00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:38,071 You know, I actually don't mind 401 00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:40,207 when things make no sense. 402 00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:41,608 You know what gets to me? 403 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,810 Happens a lot these days, it's a symptom of our time, 404 00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:46,146 is people like to impose their truth 405 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,714 on other people's truth. 406 00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:50,384 Believe what I believe in, don't impose on other people. 407 00:15:50,384 --> 00:15:51,985 Look, I was in a buffet line recently, 408 00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:54,087 Mom's there. Dad's there. Henry's there. 409 00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:55,889 My wife is there. 410 00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:59,059 And, you know, Mom and Dad are speaking Mandarin. 411 00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:02,262 It's their first language. They're kind of loud. 412 00:16:02,262 --> 00:16:03,997 And lady in front of us, she turns around and goes, 413 00:16:03,997 --> 00:16:05,265 "Hey, speak English. 414 00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:07,167 "You're in my country now." 415 00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:09,670 Yeah. Stunned. We don't know what to do. 416 00:16:09,670 --> 00:16:11,238 You know, my wife gets involved. 417 00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:14,308 She steps right in between, she goes, "You know what? 418 00:16:14,308 --> 00:16:16,109 "They're not even talking about you." 419 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:18,946 And that's the moment 420 00:16:18,946 --> 00:16:20,948 Henry and I locked eyes and we smiled 421 00:16:20,948 --> 00:16:22,649 'cause we know... 422 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:25,118 - we're totally talking about them. - [MAN LAUGHS] 423 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:28,288 Yeah. My wife doesn't understand either. 424 00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:30,123 God bless her heart. She was trying so hard. 425 00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:33,794 MAN: Things sure sound different. 426 00:16:35,929 --> 00:16:37,798 Yeah, the world's changing, isn't it? 427 00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:40,534 It's changing. I feel it. 428 00:16:40,534 --> 00:16:43,704 I feel it in the questions I get about our community. 429 00:16:44,938 --> 00:16:46,640 I do. 430 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:49,042 Yeah, I get asked this question all the time. 431 00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,711 People keep asking me, "Ed, is it racist 432 00:16:50,711 --> 00:16:52,379 "to say 'Chinese virus'?" 433 00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:55,883 "Is it racist to say 'Chinese virus'?" 434 00:16:55,883 --> 00:16:58,218 I'm like, "I don't know. I'm not Chinese. 435 00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,721 "I'm from Taiwan. 436 00:17:00,721 --> 00:17:02,956 "We also say 'Chinese virus.' 437 00:17:02,956 --> 00:17:05,459 "You take that information how you want. 438 00:17:05,459 --> 00:17:06,527 "I don't have the answers." 439 00:17:07,895 --> 00:17:09,329 Here's another question I get all the time. 440 00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:11,965 It's like, "Ed, how do you feel, in a clime like this?" 441 00:17:11,965 --> 00:17:13,133 I gotta be honest with you. 442 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:14,902 I feel... 443 00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:18,372 exactly the same. 444 00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:20,541 It's not new. It's been around for a very long time. 445 00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:24,545 My first week here in Canada, I was on the playground, 446 00:17:24,545 --> 00:17:26,847 you know, I was lost. 447 00:17:26,847 --> 00:17:28,182 A man comes up to me, he goes, 448 00:17:28,182 --> 00:17:29,917 "Hey, if you don't know where you are, 449 00:17:29,917 --> 00:17:32,386 "then go back to where you came from." 450 00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:35,656 I was so shocked, because he had... 451 00:17:35,656 --> 00:17:37,224 a turban on. 452 00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:39,359 I'm like, this is the most multicultural racist 453 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:40,761 I've ever seen my life. 454 00:17:40,761 --> 00:17:41,995 This is very progressive. 455 00:17:43,597 --> 00:17:45,365 You notice, there's no gray. 456 00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:46,667 Everything's black or white. 457 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:48,735 You know... 458 00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,939 A friend texted me the other day. 459 00:17:51,939 --> 00:17:53,207 She goes, "Ed, I'm trying to find 460 00:17:53,207 --> 00:17:55,576 "a culturally-appropriate costume. 461 00:17:55,576 --> 00:17:57,544 "What do you recommend?" 462 00:17:57,544 --> 00:18:00,280 I'm like, "I recommend you delete my number. 463 00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:02,916 "What am I, the spirit of Halloween? 464 00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:04,885 "Just be a pumpkin. Just be a pumpkin." 465 00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:07,955 I have a favorite question, though. 466 00:18:07,955 --> 00:18:09,456 Somebody asked me the other day, 467 00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:12,559 they go, "Ed, how do you feel about Shang-Chi?" 468 00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,261 The first Asian Marvel superhero. 469 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:16,196 "How do you feel about Shang-Chi?" 470 00:18:18,232 --> 00:18:20,300 I don't give a shit about Shang-Chi. 471 00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,602 Why? 472 00:18:21,602 --> 00:18:24,771 It's another Asian guy that excels at his craft. 473 00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,573 I don't want to see that. 474 00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:28,876 You know what I wanna see. I'll tell you what I wanna see. 475 00:18:28,876 --> 00:18:31,111 I wanna see a TV show 476 00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:34,047 about a homeless Asian hockey player. 477 00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:36,917 And then she fails. 478 00:18:36,917 --> 00:18:38,785 And she calls her parents, 479 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,420 and they talk about their feelings. 480 00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:42,456 That's fantasy. That's never gonna happen. 481 00:18:44,458 --> 00:18:45,792 See, the fact is... 482 00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:49,129 we're all the same. 483 00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:52,165 We spend all this time and energy on our differences, 484 00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:53,901 but we're all the same. 485 00:18:53,901 --> 00:18:55,502 I learned that very early on in my career. 486 00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:58,605 In my early 20s, I did a comedy festival in Ohio. 487 00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:00,574 And I stayed in a hostel. 488 00:19:00,574 --> 00:19:03,310 Because at that moment in my life, I didn't have very much... 489 00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:04,845 STDS. 490 00:19:04,845 --> 00:19:06,446 And that's where you get more. 491 00:19:07,681 --> 00:19:09,183 And my roommate, of all people in the world, 492 00:19:09,183 --> 00:19:11,818 was an Italian exchange student named Alejandro. 493 00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,020 He was from Rome. 494 00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:15,822 He spoke almost no English. 495 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,624 And even though, from opposite sides of the world, 496 00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,526 different men, different upbringing, 497 00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:21,128 we felt the same. 498 00:19:21,128 --> 00:19:22,829 We were uncomfortable. 499 00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,765 It was a little room together, we had no privacy, 500 00:19:24,765 --> 00:19:26,934 we had to change in front of each other. 501 00:19:26,934 --> 00:19:32,306 Right? I don't want to see Alejandro's hairy Italian chest. 502 00:19:32,306 --> 00:19:36,009 He didn't want to see my giant Asian penis. 503 00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:37,177 - [MAN LAUGHS] - Yeah, it's my story. 504 00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:38,312 I'm gonna tell the way I want to tell it. 505 00:19:38,312 --> 00:19:39,279 It's my story. 506 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:41,782 You know, we're all the same. 507 00:19:42,516 --> 00:19:44,685 We're all good at math. 508 00:19:44,685 --> 00:19:46,053 White people, they're good at math, too. 509 00:19:46,053 --> 00:19:48,889 I also learned that in Ohio. 510 00:19:48,889 --> 00:19:50,357 You know, after the show, Caucasian lady, 511 00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:51,859 very nice, came up to me, 512 00:19:51,859 --> 00:19:54,161 she goes, "Ed. I'd like to introduce you to my family. 513 00:19:54,161 --> 00:19:56,563 "This is my first son from my second marriage. 514 00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,332 "My second son from my third marriage. 515 00:19:58,332 --> 00:20:00,000 "My third daughter from my fourth marriage. 516 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,468 "My fourth daughter from my second marriage." 517 00:20:01,468 --> 00:20:03,904 I'm like, "This is advanced fractions. 518 00:20:03,904 --> 00:20:05,639 "You're very good at math." 519 00:20:05,639 --> 00:20:06,740 [MAN CHUCKLES] 520 00:20:07,841 --> 00:20:10,177 In all seriousness, 521 00:20:10,177 --> 00:20:11,578 you know, I say we're all the same 522 00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:13,480 because we all have the same thing. 523 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:17,050 We all have the power of choice. 524 00:20:18,018 --> 00:20:19,386 That's a human condition. 525 00:20:20,254 --> 00:20:21,388 Let me tell this story. 526 00:20:22,556 --> 00:20:24,858 My wife and I were driving the other day, 527 00:20:24,858 --> 00:20:26,560 I'm driving, she's in the passenger seat, 528 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,095 and we get pulled over. 529 00:20:28,095 --> 00:20:31,031 Policeman walks to the car, you know, looks at us, goes, 530 00:20:31,031 --> 00:20:33,901 "How long have you been in this country?" 531 00:20:34,768 --> 00:20:35,769 Yeah. 532 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:37,838 A lot of silence. 533 00:20:37,838 --> 00:20:39,506 We don't know what to say. 534 00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:40,841 My wife interjects, she goes, 535 00:20:40,841 --> 00:20:44,845 "Actually, Officer, um, this is my car." 536 00:20:44,845 --> 00:20:48,182 The officer looks at her and goes, "Oh, if this is your car, 537 00:20:48,182 --> 00:20:49,616 "I'm gonna let him go." 538 00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,753 And he walks away. No citation, no warning. 539 00:20:52,753 --> 00:20:57,257 And that is the power of choice. 540 00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:59,359 'Cause ten years ago, I chose to fall in love 541 00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:00,427 with a white woman, 542 00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:03,564 ten years later, I saved myself $300. 543 00:21:03,564 --> 00:21:05,732 Yeah, let's be honest. I'm dating a Black guy that day, 544 00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:07,568 we're all in jail. 545 00:21:07,568 --> 00:21:09,536 It's how society works. 546 00:21:09,536 --> 00:21:10,804 MAN: So, what do we do? 547 00:21:13,707 --> 00:21:19,279 I don't really know the answer, but I can tell you what I do. 548 00:21:19,279 --> 00:21:21,615 You know, I meet people all the time, 549 00:21:21,615 --> 00:21:23,584 from all over the world, 550 00:21:23,584 --> 00:21:26,119 and I make mistakes all the time. 551 00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:28,488 And I just own it, fix it, and I move on. 552 00:21:28,488 --> 00:21:29,823 I don't get bitter or angry. 553 00:21:29,823 --> 00:21:32,226 I just own it, fix it, and move on. 554 00:21:33,594 --> 00:21:35,829 You know, a friend recently, who's... 555 00:21:35,829 --> 00:21:37,831 who wants to go to a Taiwanese wedding, she's never been, 556 00:21:37,831 --> 00:21:40,100 she goes, "Ed, got to buy a clock, a very nice clock. 557 00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:41,668 "I'm gonna buy a very nice clock for the couple." 558 00:21:41,668 --> 00:21:43,270 I'm like, "Take the clock. Take it!" 559 00:21:43,270 --> 00:21:46,273 She goes to the wedding, gets kicked out instantly. 560 00:21:46,273 --> 00:21:47,641 Yeah. She comes back, she says, 561 00:21:47,641 --> 00:21:49,243 "Ed, I don't understand what happened." 562 00:21:49,243 --> 00:21:52,679 I'm like, "Well, if you buy a clock for a Taiwanese couple, 563 00:21:52,679 --> 00:21:57,150 "it means you're wishing death upon them." 564 00:21:57,150 --> 00:21:58,585 She's like, "Why didn't you tell me?" 565 00:21:58,585 --> 00:22:00,621 I'm like, "Well, now you know. 566 00:22:00,621 --> 00:22:02,089 "You never forget." 567 00:22:02,089 --> 00:22:03,924 MAN: Okay. [LAUGHS] 568 00:22:05,025 --> 00:22:06,960 Just make your choices. 569 00:22:07,961 --> 00:22:09,696 Own your shit. 570 00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:12,132 Isn't that the way we should live anyways? 571 00:22:12,132 --> 00:22:13,867 I saw Cousin Andy 572 00:22:13,867 --> 00:22:15,502 for the first time in two years the other day. 573 00:22:15,502 --> 00:22:17,538 Cousin Andy got kind of fat. 574 00:22:17,538 --> 00:22:18,672 Nothing wrong with it. 575 00:22:18,672 --> 00:22:20,507 He's always been underweight. 576 00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:23,544 First time in history, he's overweight. 577 00:22:23,544 --> 00:22:26,213 But he won't own it. He deflects. 578 00:22:26,213 --> 00:22:27,648 I was trying to talk to him about it. 579 00:22:27,648 --> 00:22:30,517 I was like, "Hey. So what's... what's going on?" 580 00:22:30,517 --> 00:22:32,386 He goes, "Ed, you don't understand. 581 00:22:32,386 --> 00:22:34,354 "I've been working from home." 582 00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:37,391 I'm like, "Do you live in a gingerbread house? 583 00:22:37,391 --> 00:22:38,992 "What does that even mean?" 584 00:22:38,992 --> 00:22:40,694 Just own it. No one cares. 585 00:22:40,694 --> 00:22:43,063 Because if you want to change something, 586 00:22:43,063 --> 00:22:44,331 you better accept it. 587 00:22:44,331 --> 00:22:45,799 You better see what's in front of you, 588 00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:47,167 or it's never gonna change. 589 00:22:47,167 --> 00:22:49,636 Look, I was sitting down with a friend the other day. 590 00:22:49,636 --> 00:22:52,806 She asked me a question I wasn't ready for. 591 00:22:52,806 --> 00:22:57,077 She goes, "Ed, what's your safe space?" 592 00:22:57,077 --> 00:22:59,179 I didn't know what that meant, so I panicked. I was like, 593 00:22:59,179 --> 00:23:01,882 "Uh, Costco?" 594 00:23:01,882 --> 00:23:04,918 Which is not a healthy answer for any human being. 595 00:23:04,918 --> 00:23:07,821 So I was like, "Ah, damn it. I said something wrong. 596 00:23:07,821 --> 00:23:09,923 "She's gonna be offended, right? Here we go." 597 00:23:09,923 --> 00:23:13,827 She leans back. She goes, "Oh, hmm, makes sense. 598 00:23:13,827 --> 00:23:16,230 "Asians love Costco." 599 00:23:16,230 --> 00:23:18,599 I'm like, "I don't think that's a stereotype." 600 00:23:18,599 --> 00:23:20,067 So, I googled it. 601 00:23:20,067 --> 00:23:21,768 It totally fucking is! 602 00:23:21,768 --> 00:23:23,370 Asians love Costco. 603 00:23:23,370 --> 00:23:26,006 There's an NBC News article on how much Asians love Costco. 604 00:23:26,006 --> 00:23:27,341 It blew my mind. 605 00:23:27,341 --> 00:23:29,710 This whole time, I thought I was buying 606 00:23:29,710 --> 00:23:33,213 a thousand Ziploc bags 'cause I'm economical. 607 00:23:33,213 --> 00:23:35,916 - Turns out, it's in my destiny. - [MAN LAUGHS] 608 00:23:35,916 --> 00:23:38,218 Yeah, I go to Costco now, I don't even show my card. 609 00:23:38,218 --> 00:23:39,520 I walk right in and say, 610 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,688 "Look at my face. I belong here. 611 00:23:41,688 --> 00:23:44,224 "And where's your shampoo? I need more." 612 00:23:46,527 --> 00:23:47,728 I get it. 613 00:23:47,728 --> 00:23:49,363 You know, the truth is very hard to hear. 614 00:23:49,363 --> 00:23:50,430 It's very hard to hear. 615 00:23:51,465 --> 00:23:52,966 I have a friend who's Jewish. 616 00:23:52,966 --> 00:23:55,469 I've known him for a very long time. 617 00:23:55,469 --> 00:23:57,905 And I don't know anything about his culture. 618 00:23:57,905 --> 00:23:59,806 So, recently, I have to say, I sit down with him and say, 619 00:23:59,806 --> 00:24:01,742 "Hey, why don't you tell me something about your culture? 620 00:24:01,742 --> 00:24:03,110 "I'd really like to know." 621 00:24:03,110 --> 00:24:05,045 And he goes, "Ed, did you know 622 00:24:05,045 --> 00:24:07,614 "giraffes are kosher?" 623 00:24:07,614 --> 00:24:09,750 I'm like, "Is this where we're gonna start? 624 00:24:09,750 --> 00:24:13,086 "And are you eating giraffes? 'Cause that's a bigger problem." 625 00:24:13,086 --> 00:24:14,721 And he went and explains, he's like, "Oh, no! 626 00:24:14,721 --> 00:24:17,090 "You know, because they chew their own cud. They have hooves." 627 00:24:17,090 --> 00:24:20,460 And I visibly look like I don't wanna talk about this. 628 00:24:20,460 --> 00:24:22,629 So he sees that, he goes, "Okay, fine, Ed. 629 00:24:22,629 --> 00:24:24,665 "What is something that you wanna know, 630 00:24:24,665 --> 00:24:26,800 "you know, if people eat all the time 631 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:29,937 "that you may wanna know if it's kosher or not?" 632 00:24:29,937 --> 00:24:31,271 I didn't wanna talk about this, 633 00:24:31,271 --> 00:24:33,307 so I looked at him and I said, 634 00:24:33,307 --> 00:24:35,843 - "Is your mom kosher?" - [MAN LAUGHS] 635 00:24:35,843 --> 00:24:37,845 I know, it's a super asshole thing to say, 636 00:24:37,845 --> 00:24:39,913 but that's what I do. When I don't wanna talk about something, 637 00:24:39,913 --> 00:24:42,449 I just say the dumbest thing so I can shut it down, you know? 638 00:24:42,449 --> 00:24:45,986 I was at my massage therapist's office just earlier this week. 639 00:24:45,986 --> 00:24:48,422 It's very early in the morning. I don't wanna talk. 640 00:24:48,422 --> 00:24:50,657 I walk in, she's all cheerful. 641 00:24:50,657 --> 00:24:53,760 She goes, "Ed, what would you like me to focus on today?" 642 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:55,362 I'm like, "Your job." 643 00:24:56,663 --> 00:24:59,099 So, now I don't have a massage therapist. 644 00:24:59,099 --> 00:25:00,434 It was the wrong thing to say. 645 00:25:01,768 --> 00:25:03,270 You know, I've made mistakes. 646 00:25:04,204 --> 00:25:07,207 You know? I own it. 647 00:25:07,207 --> 00:25:10,277 When I was 17, I took a shortcut. 648 00:25:10,277 --> 00:25:11,845 You know, at that time, 649 00:25:11,845 --> 00:25:15,015 there was this law where you can take a driver's course, 650 00:25:15,015 --> 00:25:16,350 you can bypass all the steps 651 00:25:16,350 --> 00:25:18,552 and you get your license right away. 652 00:25:18,552 --> 00:25:22,523 So, I took a course in Cantonese and had a terrible time. 653 00:25:22,523 --> 00:25:24,291 My friend's like, "Ed, is it because Asians 654 00:25:24,291 --> 00:25:26,026 "are teaching you how to drive?" 655 00:25:26,026 --> 00:25:29,563 I'm like, "No, I don't speak Cantonese, you asshole." 656 00:25:29,563 --> 00:25:32,633 Only thing I know how to say in Cantonese at that time is, 657 00:25:32,633 --> 00:25:35,502 "Diu lei lo mo," which means "Fuck your mom." 658 00:25:35,502 --> 00:25:37,004 I said the whole class. 659 00:25:38,505 --> 00:25:40,374 You know what I used to do? 660 00:25:40,374 --> 00:25:42,209 I used to steal Dad's porn. 661 00:25:42,209 --> 00:25:44,411 It's a mistake of a young man. 662 00:25:44,411 --> 00:25:47,848 I used to take the Playboy, you know, look at it, 663 00:25:47,848 --> 00:25:50,083 and put it back before anybody comes home, 664 00:25:50,083 --> 00:25:51,385 like nothing ever happened. 665 00:25:51,385 --> 00:25:54,221 So, one day, everyone left the house, right? 666 00:25:54,221 --> 00:25:55,389 So, I went and grabbed the Playboy, 667 00:25:55,389 --> 00:25:57,357 I sit in the living room, I open it. 668 00:25:57,357 --> 00:26:00,394 I just hear this voice from above, "Put it back!" 669 00:26:01,195 --> 00:26:05,399 I'm like, "Uh, God?" 670 00:26:05,399 --> 00:26:08,769 Turns out, Dad installed cameras all over the house, 671 00:26:08,769 --> 00:26:11,271 and there's two-way microphones. That's how dumb I am. 672 00:26:11,271 --> 00:26:13,407 I just pretend I was sleeping. 673 00:26:13,407 --> 00:26:15,609 So, I close my eyes, lean back with a giant boner, 674 00:26:15,609 --> 00:26:17,077 like that's gonna fool anybody. 675 00:26:17,077 --> 00:26:18,345 [MAN LAUGHS] 676 00:26:22,349 --> 00:26:25,786 Do you know why I say to own your shit? 677 00:26:25,786 --> 00:26:29,690 Because I don't believe we're fragile people. 678 00:26:29,690 --> 00:26:32,593 I've yet to meet one fragile person. 679 00:26:32,593 --> 00:26:34,127 See, I wasn't raised fragile. 680 00:26:34,127 --> 00:26:35,295 My first Christmas here in Canada, 681 00:26:35,295 --> 00:26:37,030 I wanted to buy cookies for Santa. 682 00:26:37,030 --> 00:26:39,366 I remember in the grocery store, I wanted to ask, 683 00:26:39,366 --> 00:26:42,402 "Hey, Dad, can I buy cookies for Santa?" 684 00:26:42,402 --> 00:26:43,904 He's like, "No!" 685 00:26:43,904 --> 00:26:45,706 I'm like, "Why not?" 686 00:26:45,706 --> 00:26:48,575 He's like, "'Cause Santa likes cash." 687 00:26:50,277 --> 00:26:52,379 - I was like, "How do you know?" - [MAN LAUGHS] 688 00:26:52,379 --> 00:26:54,581 He's like, "'Cause I'm Santa Claus." 689 00:26:54,581 --> 00:26:55,916 Christmas was ruined. 690 00:26:57,317 --> 00:26:59,219 But he understood something. 691 00:26:59,219 --> 00:27:00,287 It was very simple. 692 00:27:00,287 --> 00:27:02,823 I see it now, too, I'm getting older. 693 00:27:02,823 --> 00:27:05,626 You know, all that stuff out there, especially right now? 694 00:27:05,626 --> 00:27:08,328 That doesn't matter. 695 00:27:08,328 --> 00:27:10,631 That's never gonna end. There's always gonna be some stuff. 696 00:27:10,631 --> 00:27:13,433 What matters is the little things. 697 00:27:13,433 --> 00:27:14,668 It's what Dad taught me. 698 00:27:14,668 --> 00:27:16,436 The most valuable thing 699 00:27:16,436 --> 00:27:19,673 you can give somebody is your time. 700 00:27:19,673 --> 00:27:21,642 'Cause you can never get that back. 701 00:27:21,642 --> 00:27:24,678 That's why every time my wife comes to me and goes, 702 00:27:24,678 --> 00:27:27,848 "Hey, Ed, do you wanna watch one of my TV shows with me," 703 00:27:27,848 --> 00:27:29,850 it doesn't matter what I'm doing, 704 00:27:29,850 --> 00:27:32,619 I'll drop everything and I'll look at her and say, 705 00:27:32,619 --> 00:27:34,521 "Hell, no. 706 00:27:34,521 --> 00:27:36,690 "'Cause your shows are so bad, they're all dating shows. 707 00:27:36,690 --> 00:27:38,192 "It's a waste of my life. I'm sorry." 708 00:27:40,127 --> 00:27:41,094 You know... 709 00:27:43,630 --> 00:27:44,765 Am I scared? 710 00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:48,268 Terrified. I'm not gonna lie to you. 711 00:27:49,503 --> 00:27:51,505 You know, but I realized something. 712 00:27:51,505 --> 00:27:55,876 My faith is stronger than my fear. 713 00:27:56,777 --> 00:27:58,212 I'm not religious, by the way. 714 00:27:58,212 --> 00:28:00,180 I know I look like a monk. That's not what I'm saying. 715 00:28:00,180 --> 00:28:02,983 My faith is in all of us. 716 00:28:02,983 --> 00:28:05,552 I believe we have the wisdom within us 717 00:28:05,552 --> 00:28:08,989 to make the most effective choices ourself. 718 00:28:08,989 --> 00:28:13,060 It's in everyone's community. It's in mine. 719 00:28:13,060 --> 00:28:17,397 Look, have you ever noticed there's no Asian terrorists? 720 00:28:17,397 --> 00:28:18,966 'Cause we never make it. 721 00:28:18,966 --> 00:28:22,369 I can literally kidnap 99 people tonight, 722 00:28:22,369 --> 00:28:24,571 go back to Dad, and he'll be like, 723 00:28:24,571 --> 00:28:26,406 "Why is not 100?" 724 00:28:26,406 --> 00:28:28,075 It's never good enough. 725 00:28:28,075 --> 00:28:30,210 And, to be honest, if I did something like that, 726 00:28:30,210 --> 00:28:33,080 Dad would have killed me before the policemen showed up. 727 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:34,515 Police would be at the door and be like, 728 00:28:34,515 --> 00:28:36,683 "Sir, we're here to speak to your son. 729 00:28:36,683 --> 00:28:38,652 "He's been implicated in a crime." 730 00:28:38,652 --> 00:28:41,221 Dad would be like, "I don't have a son. 731 00:28:41,221 --> 00:28:42,589 "Somebody killed him." 732 00:28:43,824 --> 00:28:45,759 Policemen would be like, "Oh, my God, who? 733 00:28:45,759 --> 00:28:46,827 "Who killed your son, sir?" 734 00:28:47,861 --> 00:28:49,997 - "Santa Claus." - [MAN LAUGHS] 735 00:28:53,767 --> 00:28:55,235 I was seeing another friend the other day, 736 00:28:55,235 --> 00:28:57,070 and he was like, 737 00:28:57,070 --> 00:28:59,072 "Ed, you tell people we're all the same. 738 00:28:59,072 --> 00:29:01,041 "But look at you. You're different. 739 00:29:01,041 --> 00:29:03,243 "You're from a different place. 740 00:29:03,243 --> 00:29:06,380 "You're obviously different." 741 00:29:06,380 --> 00:29:07,714 You need to remember this. 742 00:29:09,049 --> 00:29:14,555 If Taiwan is my father, then Canada is my mother. 743 00:29:14,555 --> 00:29:16,390 I've been here longer than I've been in Taiwan. 744 00:29:16,390 --> 00:29:17,925 I learned all my values here. 745 00:29:17,925 --> 00:29:21,261 And one value that Canada taught me 746 00:29:21,261 --> 00:29:24,131 is that women hold the true strength 747 00:29:24,131 --> 00:29:25,465 on this land. 748 00:29:25,465 --> 00:29:27,234 I'll tell you three women in my life 749 00:29:27,234 --> 00:29:28,969 that demonstrated that. 750 00:29:28,969 --> 00:29:32,873 In 1942, at the height of World War II, 751 00:29:32,873 --> 00:29:35,375 an 18-year-old woman shifted from Taipei to Tokyo 752 00:29:35,375 --> 00:29:37,377 to help with the wars on the front. 753 00:29:37,377 --> 00:29:39,146 As she crossed the strait, the ship in front of her 754 00:29:39,146 --> 00:29:41,782 and behind her were sunk by submarines. 755 00:29:41,782 --> 00:29:43,116 She got to Tokyo, within a week, 756 00:29:43,116 --> 00:29:44,918 she's caught in a Tokyo bombing. 757 00:29:44,918 --> 00:29:46,119 And she survived. 758 00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:49,456 That woman was Grandma. 759 00:29:50,824 --> 00:29:54,228 In 1972, an 18-year-old woman, 760 00:29:54,228 --> 00:29:58,999 after lifelong physical abuse and unbelievable poverty, 761 00:29:58,999 --> 00:30:00,567 against all odds, 762 00:30:00,567 --> 00:30:03,837 decided to leave home for the first time in her life 763 00:30:03,837 --> 00:30:05,172 to go to college. 764 00:30:06,006 --> 00:30:09,142 That woman is Mom. 765 00:30:09,142 --> 00:30:11,578 And in 2020, at the height of the pandemic, 766 00:30:11,578 --> 00:30:14,281 a young Canadian woman, who lived her entire life 767 00:30:14,281 --> 00:30:16,016 in a small town in Canada, 768 00:30:16,016 --> 00:30:19,586 who hasn't even heard of Taiwan, took a chance at love 769 00:30:19,586 --> 00:30:21,522 on a young Taiwanese man 770 00:30:21,522 --> 00:30:24,791 who had aspirations to be a comedian. 771 00:30:24,791 --> 00:30:26,927 That woman... 772 00:30:26,927 --> 00:30:28,695 is Henry's girlfriend. 773 00:30:28,695 --> 00:30:30,531 - [MAN LAUGHS] - That's the true hero right there. 774 00:30:30,531 --> 00:30:32,299 Why would she date that guy? 775 00:30:32,299 --> 00:30:33,800 Dumped this shit in your car, too? 776 00:30:35,435 --> 00:30:39,940 See, that dichotomy happens in all areas of my life. 777 00:30:39,940 --> 00:30:42,042 Physically, I look just like Dad. 778 00:30:43,043 --> 00:30:45,646 You know, psychologically, I'm Mom. 779 00:30:45,646 --> 00:30:47,147 I have no sense of directions. 780 00:30:47,147 --> 00:30:49,816 If I'm driving and I take the wrong turn, 781 00:30:49,816 --> 00:30:51,885 and I don't have access to a GPS, 782 00:30:51,885 --> 00:30:54,221 I live there now. That's my house. 783 00:30:54,221 --> 00:30:56,323 People are like, "Ed, it can't be that bad." 784 00:30:56,323 --> 00:30:58,659 I'm like, I got lost on my own street, 785 00:30:58,659 --> 00:31:00,127 and I live in a cul-de-sac. 786 00:31:02,129 --> 00:31:04,531 Mom's the same way. It's genetic. 787 00:31:04,531 --> 00:31:07,000 Like, if her and I are driving together, 788 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:08,869 our final destination 789 00:31:08,869 --> 00:31:11,138 is one of the oceans. 790 00:31:11,138 --> 00:31:13,674 We were actually driving the other day. We're in Florida. 791 00:31:13,674 --> 00:31:17,211 You know, she's driving, I'm in the passenger seat. 792 00:31:17,211 --> 00:31:18,679 Trying to make it easy for her, I was like, 793 00:31:18,679 --> 00:31:20,914 "Mom, just, when you get on the highway, 794 00:31:20,914 --> 00:31:22,549 "just take Exit 70. 795 00:31:22,549 --> 00:31:25,018 "It's all you gotta do, Exit 70. That's all." 796 00:31:25,018 --> 00:31:26,486 She goes, "Okay." 797 00:31:26,486 --> 00:31:28,088 Two minutes on the highway, 798 00:31:28,088 --> 00:31:29,857 she takes a sharp right turn, cuts through every single lane, 799 00:31:29,857 --> 00:31:31,725 almost hits every single car, 800 00:31:31,725 --> 00:31:34,528 comes to a dead stop on the side of the highway. 801 00:31:34,528 --> 00:31:37,030 I'm like, "What... what are you doing?" 802 00:31:37,030 --> 00:31:39,833 She's like, "Exit 70." 803 00:31:39,833 --> 00:31:42,336 I'm like, "That's the speed limit. 804 00:31:42,336 --> 00:31:44,238 "How do you not know this?" 805 00:31:44,238 --> 00:31:46,707 She's like, "I took a course in Cantonese." 806 00:31:46,707 --> 00:31:48,408 I'm like, "I get it. 807 00:31:48,408 --> 00:31:50,177 I did the same thing." 808 00:31:50,177 --> 00:31:51,912 [MAN LAUGHING] 809 00:31:51,912 --> 00:31:53,247 See, all this time, 810 00:31:54,281 --> 00:31:57,384 I've just been glossing over 811 00:31:57,384 --> 00:31:59,253 the strength of women in my life. 812 00:31:59,253 --> 00:32:01,255 I just thought that's the way it was. 813 00:32:01,255 --> 00:32:02,789 Aunt Kitty has a different last name 814 00:32:02,789 --> 00:32:03,891 than the rest of the family. 815 00:32:03,891 --> 00:32:05,225 I just thought that's the way it was. 816 00:32:05,225 --> 00:32:07,261 Turns out, when they're young, Grandma's so poor, 817 00:32:07,261 --> 00:32:10,464 she sold her to a richer family, so she can have a better life. 818 00:32:11,265 --> 00:32:12,866 Isn't that incredible? 819 00:32:12,866 --> 00:32:14,801 Doesn't it make you think? 820 00:32:14,801 --> 00:32:16,603 How much money would it cost you 821 00:32:16,603 --> 00:32:18,205 to give up what you love the most? 822 00:32:19,106 --> 00:32:20,974 'Cause, look, 823 00:32:20,974 --> 00:32:23,744 I love my wife, I truly do, from the bottom of my heart. 824 00:32:23,744 --> 00:32:27,414 But if somebody offered me $50 billion? 825 00:32:27,414 --> 00:32:29,082 [INHALES] 826 00:32:29,082 --> 00:32:31,118 I mean, I wouldn't do it, but you gotta think about it, right? 827 00:32:31,118 --> 00:32:32,252 You gotta think about it. 828 00:32:32,252 --> 00:32:33,654 I asked Mom that question. 829 00:32:33,654 --> 00:32:35,956 I was like, "Hey Mom, how much would you sell Dad for?" 830 00:32:35,956 --> 00:32:37,157 She's like, "50 bucks." 831 00:32:37,157 --> 00:32:39,393 I'm like, "You're the wrong person to ask." 832 00:32:39,393 --> 00:32:41,161 MAN: Mom is a strong woman. 833 00:32:41,161 --> 00:32:42,629 She has to be. 834 00:32:42,629 --> 00:32:43,897 She raised two sons. 835 00:32:45,299 --> 00:32:47,601 We're not the best kids either. We're troublemakers. 836 00:32:47,601 --> 00:32:49,469 One year, Uncle came to visit. 837 00:32:49,469 --> 00:32:51,071 I pull Henry to the side, 838 00:32:51,071 --> 00:32:53,106 I was like, "Hey, why don't you go tap Uncle on the balls? 839 00:32:53,106 --> 00:32:54,775 "Just go tap him on the balls." 840 00:32:54,775 --> 00:32:56,610 I was joking. I wasn't even serious. 841 00:32:56,610 --> 00:32:58,145 He went and did it! 842 00:32:58,145 --> 00:32:59,746 Mom got so mad, pulled me to the side, 843 00:32:59,746 --> 00:33:01,181 "Why would you tell him to do that? 844 00:33:01,181 --> 00:33:02,950 "Why would you tell your younger brother 845 00:33:02,950 --> 00:33:04,284 "to do something like that?" 846 00:33:04,284 --> 00:33:07,421 I'm like, "'Cause he's 25. 847 00:33:07,421 --> 00:33:09,923 "I thought, developmentally, he could make his own choices. 848 00:33:09,923 --> 00:33:12,092 "How is this my problem?" 849 00:33:12,092 --> 00:33:15,529 But she's always taught us, "Stand up for yourselves." 850 00:33:15,529 --> 00:33:17,798 In elementary school, I got beat up every day. 851 00:33:17,798 --> 00:33:20,167 Every day, I got beat up. 852 00:33:20,167 --> 00:33:22,870 It got so bad, Mom had to talk to the class. 853 00:33:22,870 --> 00:33:24,438 She sat in front of the class. She'd be like, 854 00:33:24,438 --> 00:33:27,274 "Everybody, please, please, don't touch Edward. 855 00:33:27,274 --> 00:33:28,675 "Don't touch Edward." 856 00:33:28,675 --> 00:33:30,310 And you know kids, right? They're jerks. 857 00:33:30,310 --> 00:33:32,279 One of the kids in the back of the class put their hand like, 858 00:33:32,279 --> 00:33:33,680 "Why can't we touch Edward?" 859 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:35,115 Mom was like, "'Cause he has herpes. 860 00:33:35,115 --> 00:33:36,550 "You want herpes on your hand?" 861 00:33:36,550 --> 00:33:38,151 I'm like, "Stop talking, Mom. You're helping nobody." 862 00:33:40,454 --> 00:33:44,157 See, in 2020... 863 00:33:44,157 --> 00:33:47,160 I walked away from a multi-million dollar TV show. 864 00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:49,363 It was a show about our family. 865 00:33:50,297 --> 00:33:51,732 I walked away because 866 00:33:52,833 --> 00:33:54,168 the director at that time 867 00:33:54,168 --> 00:33:57,905 wants to portray Mom as someone who's a cheater 868 00:33:57,905 --> 00:33:59,740 and who had an affair outside the family. 869 00:34:00,541 --> 00:34:01,742 Mom's a lot of things. 870 00:34:02,643 --> 00:34:03,710 She's not a cheater. 871 00:34:04,711 --> 00:34:06,680 I saw it with my own eyes. 872 00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:10,083 We were at the swimming pool one time, a man came out to hit on her. 873 00:34:10,083 --> 00:34:12,186 He's like, "Hey, can I get your number?" 874 00:34:12,186 --> 00:34:14,021 And Mom just looks at him and goes, 875 00:34:14,021 --> 00:34:15,923 "You're ugly," and walked away. 876 00:34:17,691 --> 00:34:19,760 This is how strong she is. 877 00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,196 We're having a dinner party the other day, 878 00:34:22,196 --> 00:34:24,097 and she's cooking. 879 00:34:24,097 --> 00:34:28,702 And for some freak accident, the lid on the pot slid off 880 00:34:28,702 --> 00:34:30,204 and fell perpendicularly to the ground 881 00:34:30,204 --> 00:34:32,072 and cut right through her foot. 882 00:34:32,072 --> 00:34:33,106 You know what we did next? 883 00:34:33,674 --> 00:34:35,242 We had dinner. 884 00:34:35,242 --> 00:34:37,377 Yeah, she just patched it up and kept cooking. 885 00:34:37,377 --> 00:34:40,180 It was the most gangster thing I've ever seen in my life. 886 00:34:40,180 --> 00:34:42,583 If I'm having a dinner party, I cut myself, 887 00:34:42,583 --> 00:34:44,017 you're leaving. 888 00:34:44,017 --> 00:34:46,019 I don't care if you're the Queen or the President, 889 00:34:46,019 --> 00:34:47,888 you better download Doordash. 890 00:34:49,089 --> 00:34:51,024 See... 891 00:34:51,024 --> 00:34:53,026 Mom always taught us to stand up for ourselves. 892 00:34:53,026 --> 00:34:56,196 It's not easy, but it's right. 893 00:34:56,196 --> 00:34:58,732 You know, I went out for ice cream one time 894 00:34:58,732 --> 00:34:59,867 when I was little, 895 00:34:59,867 --> 00:35:03,570 and my ice cream was a little small. 896 00:35:03,570 --> 00:35:05,105 I just thought this was the way it was. 897 00:35:05,105 --> 00:35:06,240 I was gonna walk away. She goes, 898 00:35:06,240 --> 00:35:07,808 "No, you, go back in there. 899 00:35:07,808 --> 00:35:09,643 "Tell them you want a bigger one." 900 00:35:09,643 --> 00:35:11,645 So, I went to Dairy Queen and came out with a dip cone, 901 00:35:11,645 --> 00:35:13,747 a chocolate dip cone. 902 00:35:13,747 --> 00:35:15,082 You know, Mom saw that. She's like, 903 00:35:15,082 --> 00:35:16,416 "Where did you get that?" 904 00:35:16,416 --> 00:35:18,452 I'm like, "Well, I went to Dairy Queen 905 00:35:18,452 --> 00:35:19,987 "and I stood up for myself." 906 00:35:19,987 --> 00:35:22,789 She's like, "Yeah. But we went to Mcdonald's. 907 00:35:22,789 --> 00:35:24,424 "Did you rob Dairy Queen? 908 00:35:24,424 --> 00:35:25,626 "How did you make this happen?" 909 00:35:27,594 --> 00:35:30,297 I wish I didn't say some things to Mom, though, you know? 910 00:35:31,565 --> 00:35:33,467 You don't know. You're a kid. 911 00:35:35,235 --> 00:35:38,805 I used to watch Mom make lunches for us. 912 00:35:39,606 --> 00:35:41,775 Immigrant moms, sometimes, 913 00:35:41,775 --> 00:35:43,610 lunch is a little different than everybody else's. 914 00:35:43,610 --> 00:35:45,913 I used to go up to her and say, "Mom, can you make a sandwich?" 915 00:35:46,747 --> 00:35:49,149 She never did. 916 00:35:49,149 --> 00:35:51,018 One time, I got so frustrated, I went up to say, 917 00:35:51,018 --> 00:35:53,654 "Mom, why are you such a bitch?" 918 00:35:53,654 --> 00:35:55,923 And she went, "Fine!" 919 00:35:55,923 --> 00:35:57,291 She didn't cook anything for a whole week. 920 00:35:57,291 --> 00:35:58,825 I gotta figure it out. 921 00:35:58,825 --> 00:36:00,827 And in the week, I was so hungry. 922 00:36:00,827 --> 00:36:02,763 I went back to my mom, "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I said that. 923 00:36:02,763 --> 00:36:04,531 "Can you please cook for me? 924 00:36:04,531 --> 00:36:06,934 "Please cook for me. I'm so hungry." 925 00:36:06,934 --> 00:36:09,336 She goes, "Okay, you owned it. I'll cook for you. 926 00:36:09,336 --> 00:36:11,171 "Can I ask you one question?" 927 00:36:12,105 --> 00:36:13,774 I'm like, "Yeah, what is it?" 928 00:36:14,341 --> 00:36:15,309 She's like... 929 00:36:16,310 --> 00:36:17,878 "Who's the bitch now?" 930 00:36:17,878 --> 00:36:19,012 [MAN LAUGHS] 931 00:36:19,012 --> 00:36:20,314 Strongest woman I know. 932 00:36:21,481 --> 00:36:22,683 She was wise. 933 00:36:24,985 --> 00:36:26,720 She taught me the value of family. 934 00:36:28,522 --> 00:36:30,824 I'll tell you, my little family, it's my wife and I, 935 00:36:30,824 --> 00:36:32,693 and we have a dog. 936 00:36:32,693 --> 00:36:34,194 And I tell people I have a dog, 937 00:36:34,194 --> 00:36:35,696 people who don't have a dog always ask the same things. 938 00:36:35,696 --> 00:36:38,232 Like, "Ed, is it fun to have a dog?" 939 00:36:38,232 --> 00:36:42,002 I'm like, "It's fun if you like direct eye contact all the time." 940 00:36:42,002 --> 00:36:43,570 She's always looking at me, I don't know why. 941 00:36:43,570 --> 00:36:46,006 Some mornings I wake up like, "Do I owe you money? 942 00:36:46,006 --> 00:36:48,675 "Why are you staring at me?" 943 00:36:48,675 --> 00:36:49,743 People don't believe you! 944 00:36:49,743 --> 00:36:50,978 They're like, "No, Ed, it's like having 945 00:36:50,978 --> 00:36:52,379 "a best friend in the house." 946 00:36:52,379 --> 00:36:53,981 I'm like, "No." 947 00:36:53,981 --> 00:36:56,216 What type of friend wipes their ass on your carpet? 948 00:36:56,216 --> 00:36:57,317 That's not a friend. 949 00:36:57,317 --> 00:36:58,652 My friends don't do that. 950 00:36:59,753 --> 00:37:01,054 I have a Chihuahua, too. 951 00:37:01,054 --> 00:37:03,023 So, it's just a little dog. No personal space. 952 00:37:03,023 --> 00:37:05,225 Every time I'm eating, she's right next to me. 953 00:37:05,225 --> 00:37:06,660 Like, she's saying, "What are you having? 954 00:37:06,660 --> 00:37:08,595 "What are you having? What are you having?" 955 00:37:08,595 --> 00:37:11,832 I'm like, "I'm having the urge to get a cat. 956 00:37:11,832 --> 00:37:14,334 "Back up, six feet." 957 00:37:14,334 --> 00:37:15,903 I read something on the Internet the other day. 958 00:37:15,903 --> 00:37:17,571 I don't know if you ever read this. 959 00:37:17,571 --> 00:37:19,573 Apparently, if you die 960 00:37:19,573 --> 00:37:23,076 and nobody finds you, in five days, 961 00:37:23,076 --> 00:37:24,244 your dog will eat you. 962 00:37:25,245 --> 00:37:26,680 I'm like, "Oh, my God. 963 00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:29,416 "There's no way my dog would wait that long. 964 00:37:29,416 --> 00:37:30,517 "There's no way." 965 00:37:30,517 --> 00:37:31,785 I had ketchup on my hand the other day, 966 00:37:31,785 --> 00:37:32,886 she bit me right away. 967 00:37:32,886 --> 00:37:34,087 You know what I mean? 968 00:37:35,556 --> 00:37:37,391 But I see myself in her. 969 00:37:37,391 --> 00:37:38,959 I never thought this would happen. 970 00:37:38,959 --> 00:37:40,727 I thought she's an animal. 971 00:37:40,727 --> 00:37:42,062 But she has this attitude. 972 00:37:42,062 --> 00:37:43,130 She's like, "I just take care of myself." 973 00:37:43,130 --> 00:37:45,098 She doesn't like the vet or the clinic. 974 00:37:45,098 --> 00:37:46,934 I'm like, "That's me." 975 00:37:46,934 --> 00:37:49,937 I don't like going to the doctor's or the hospital. 976 00:37:49,937 --> 00:37:52,306 And it's not a good attitude. 977 00:37:52,306 --> 00:37:54,641 Uncle died is in his early 40's from nasal cancer. 978 00:37:54,641 --> 00:37:56,577 I should be screened. I don't go. 979 00:37:56,577 --> 00:38:00,247 I'm gonna ruin our family's day very badly one day. 980 00:38:00,247 --> 00:38:01,815 So I'm like, "You know what? I can't do this." 981 00:38:01,815 --> 00:38:03,450 I booked an appointment with a doctor. 982 00:38:03,450 --> 00:38:04,818 He was late, by the way. 983 00:38:04,818 --> 00:38:06,286 He came with this big metal bar. 984 00:38:06,286 --> 00:38:08,155 He goes, "Ed, we're gonna take a look in your mouth." 985 00:38:08,155 --> 00:38:11,458 I'm like, "Yeah, I'm ready. Do what you're gonna do." 986 00:38:11,458 --> 00:38:13,560 He shoves the bar down my throat. 987 00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:15,462 I wasn't ready for that. I'm there gagging. 988 00:38:15,462 --> 00:38:17,231 [MIMICS GAGGING] He pulls it out. He goes, 989 00:38:17,231 --> 00:38:19,233 "Oh, Ed, how do you feel?" 990 00:38:19,233 --> 00:38:23,470 I'm like, "I feel like apologizing to my wife." 991 00:38:23,470 --> 00:38:25,606 MAN: Too much info, Ed. 992 00:38:34,248 --> 00:38:36,583 I can be a better husband. 993 00:38:36,583 --> 00:38:39,119 I had this "A-ha" moment recently. 994 00:38:39,119 --> 00:38:40,954 Went to a financial advisor's office. 995 00:38:40,954 --> 00:38:42,155 We're sitting there. 996 00:38:42,155 --> 00:38:43,690 My financial advisor turns to me and goes, 997 00:38:43,690 --> 00:38:46,793 "Ed, what are your retirement plans?" 998 00:38:46,793 --> 00:38:50,597 I'm like, "I was just gonna die." 999 00:38:50,597 --> 00:38:51,765 Yeah, that's my whole plan. 1000 00:38:51,765 --> 00:38:53,300 I was gonna use up all my money and die. 1001 00:38:53,300 --> 00:38:56,436 My wife's like, "What about me?" I'm like, "That's up to you. 1002 00:38:56,436 --> 00:38:59,339 "You're an independent women. You can figure it out." 1003 00:38:59,339 --> 00:39:00,841 You know why I said that? 1004 00:39:00,841 --> 00:39:03,877 Because I'm not a money person. I'm not. 1005 00:39:03,877 --> 00:39:06,146 Now, here's the thing. She never quits. 1006 00:39:06,146 --> 00:39:08,315 You know, she tries to involve me, 1007 00:39:08,315 --> 00:39:11,285 even if she knows I can't do it. 1008 00:39:11,285 --> 00:39:14,321 She was trying to talk to me about investments the other day. 1009 00:39:14,321 --> 00:39:16,023 And she's like, "Ed, we got some money left over. 1010 00:39:16,023 --> 00:39:18,692 "Would you like to put it in bonds or stocks?" 1011 00:39:18,692 --> 00:39:19,960 I wasn't even listening. 1012 00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:21,361 I was giving her, like, a no answer. 1013 00:39:21,361 --> 00:39:22,996 I'm like, "Yeah, sometimes in life, you just gotta do 1014 00:39:22,996 --> 00:39:24,631 "what you got to do, right?" 1015 00:39:24,631 --> 00:39:26,300 She's like, "No, Ed, I want one suggestion from you today. 1016 00:39:26,300 --> 00:39:27,801 "You never suggest anything. 1017 00:39:27,801 --> 00:39:30,070 "I want one suggestion from you today." 1018 00:39:30,070 --> 00:39:31,471 So I said, true story, 1019 00:39:31,471 --> 00:39:34,041 I said, 'Why don't we just buy gold 1020 00:39:34,041 --> 00:39:35,509 "and put it in the closet? 1021 00:39:35,509 --> 00:39:37,244 She's like, "What, are you a fucking dragon? 1022 00:39:37,244 --> 00:39:38,979 "What type of idea is this?" 1023 00:39:38,979 --> 00:39:41,515 I don't know. I would divorce me at this point. 1024 00:39:41,515 --> 00:39:43,183 I dropped an entire rotisserie chicken 1025 00:39:43,183 --> 00:39:44,318 on the ground the other day. 1026 00:39:44,318 --> 00:39:45,686 Yeah, entire chicken. 1027 00:39:45,686 --> 00:39:47,421 Yeah, I'm gonna try to put it back. 1028 00:39:47,421 --> 00:39:48,555 She's like, "What are you doing?" 1029 00:39:48,555 --> 00:39:50,324 I'm like, "It's the five-second rule. 1030 00:39:50,324 --> 00:39:51,525 "It's still good." 1031 00:39:51,525 --> 00:39:53,527 She's like, "Yeah, we're in the parking lot. 1032 00:39:53,527 --> 00:39:55,229 "Do you want me to eat gravel chicken?" 1033 00:39:56,530 --> 00:40:00,200 People ask me, "Ed, is she your soulmate?" 1034 00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,936 I'm like, she's my checkmate, I'll tell you that. 1035 00:40:02,936 --> 00:40:06,106 She's not mean. She's very nice. 1036 00:40:06,106 --> 00:40:10,010 She just knows me better than I know myself. 1037 00:40:10,010 --> 00:40:12,045 We went on a little date recently, ice cream place. 1038 00:40:12,045 --> 00:40:13,547 It was very cute. 1039 00:40:13,547 --> 00:40:15,415 I'm looking at the menu, I'm like, "You know what? 1040 00:40:15,415 --> 00:40:17,751 "I'm gonna get pistachio ice cream." 1041 00:40:17,751 --> 00:40:19,753 She's like, "You're not gonna like that." 1042 00:40:19,753 --> 00:40:21,054 Immediately, I get defensive. 1043 00:40:21,054 --> 00:40:22,422 "You don't know me. I'm my own man. 1044 00:40:22,422 --> 00:40:23,957 "You don't know me." 1045 00:40:23,957 --> 00:40:27,394 So, ordered it, took one bite, fucking hated it. 1046 00:40:27,394 --> 00:40:29,096 She's like, "I told you." 1047 00:40:29,096 --> 00:40:31,632 I'm like, "How did you know?" 1048 00:40:31,632 --> 00:40:33,267 She's like, "'Cause you ordered this last week." 1049 00:40:33,267 --> 00:40:34,768 "You've done this three times in a row." 1050 00:40:34,768 --> 00:40:36,603 - [MAN CHUCKLES] - "I don't know what's wrong with you." 1051 00:40:37,604 --> 00:40:38,639 I do this all the time. 1052 00:40:40,073 --> 00:40:41,909 Called my credit card the other day. 1053 00:40:41,909 --> 00:40:43,043 Agent on the phone is like, 1054 00:40:43,043 --> 00:40:44,444 "Sir, can I get your account number?" 1055 00:40:44,444 --> 00:40:46,146 I gave him a ten-digit number. 1056 00:40:46,146 --> 00:40:50,117 Agent's like, "Sir, that is not enough digits." 1057 00:40:50,117 --> 00:40:52,252 I'm like, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 1058 00:40:52,252 --> 00:40:53,987 "That's my wife's phone number. 1059 00:40:53,987 --> 00:40:56,223 "I need you to call her and ask for the account number 1060 00:40:56,223 --> 00:40:58,125 "'cause I have no clue what the hell is going on right now." 1061 00:40:59,092 --> 00:41:01,094 But you know what I realized? 1062 00:41:01,094 --> 00:41:02,296 You just need to know one thing. 1063 00:41:03,797 --> 00:41:04,965 MAN: What's that? 1064 00:41:07,100 --> 00:41:10,470 I just need to know how she makes me feel. 1065 00:41:11,672 --> 00:41:12,739 She makes me feel safe. 1066 00:41:13,507 --> 00:41:14,575 I need her. 1067 00:41:15,843 --> 00:41:17,411 I need someone in my life 1068 00:41:17,411 --> 00:41:20,781 who is willing to read instruction manuals. 1069 00:41:20,781 --> 00:41:22,416 Yeah, I don't read any of that. 1070 00:41:22,416 --> 00:41:23,817 That's the first thing I throw out with everything I open. 1071 00:41:23,817 --> 00:41:25,452 We got some Ikea furniture recently. 1072 00:41:25,452 --> 00:41:26,920 It's sitting in the living room. 1073 00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:28,088 You know, she left. I'm like, 1074 00:41:28,088 --> 00:41:29,656 "I'm just gonna build it," right? 1075 00:41:29,656 --> 00:41:31,158 I threw out the instructions right away. 1076 00:41:31,158 --> 00:41:33,861 I'm like, "I don't need this. I build Legos." 1077 00:41:33,861 --> 00:41:36,430 So, I finished the shelf. It's a very nice shelf. 1078 00:41:36,430 --> 00:41:38,632 She comes back and she goes, "Ed, what is this?" 1079 00:41:38,632 --> 00:41:39,833 I'm like, "It's the shelf we just bought. 1080 00:41:39,833 --> 00:41:41,502 Isn't it nice?" 1081 00:41:41,502 --> 00:41:44,004 She's like, "Yeah, it's supposed to be seven chairs. 1082 00:41:44,004 --> 00:41:45,873 "How did it turn to one shelf?" 1083 00:41:45,873 --> 00:41:47,941 I'm like, "Just be glad it's not a pirate ship. 1084 00:41:47,941 --> 00:41:49,776 - "I build Legos." - [MAN LAUGHS] 1085 00:41:50,944 --> 00:41:52,446 I... 1086 00:41:52,446 --> 00:41:54,348 I realized I've been focusing on the wrong things. 1087 00:41:56,116 --> 00:41:58,018 You know, I focus on romance. 1088 00:41:58,018 --> 00:42:00,888 That's paint. It'll fade. 1089 00:42:00,888 --> 00:42:02,856 You know what I did on my first date with my wife? 1090 00:42:02,856 --> 00:42:04,625 I rented a music studio, 1091 00:42:04,625 --> 00:42:06,193 and I sang her a song that I wrote. 1092 00:42:06,994 --> 00:42:08,462 Super romantic, isn't it? 1093 00:42:09,496 --> 00:42:11,365 Dumbest idea ever. 1094 00:42:11,365 --> 00:42:12,966 Because bar is way up here now. 1095 00:42:12,966 --> 00:42:14,968 Every time we go out for dinner, she's sitting there, she goes, 1096 00:42:14,968 --> 00:42:18,238 "So, Ed, are you gonna sing tonight?" 1097 00:42:18,238 --> 00:42:20,073 I'm like, "What am I, a Disney princess?" 1098 00:42:20,741 --> 00:42:22,142 Yeah, here's a song. 1099 00:42:22,142 --> 00:42:23,410 ♪ Let it go ♪ 1100 00:42:24,978 --> 00:42:29,550 Because it's honesty that keeps things together. 1101 00:42:29,550 --> 00:42:31,985 Mom and Dad have been together for 40 years. 1102 00:42:31,985 --> 00:42:33,754 Forty years, four-zero. 1103 00:42:33,754 --> 00:42:37,257 They went for a hike recently, got chased by a bear. 1104 00:42:37,257 --> 00:42:38,926 I went to Dad, I'm like, "Dad, were you worried?" 1105 00:42:38,926 --> 00:42:40,360 He's like, "No." 1106 00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:42,329 I'm like, "How were you so calm?" 1107 00:42:42,329 --> 00:42:44,831 He's like, "'Cause I know I run faster than your mom." 1108 00:42:45,566 --> 00:42:47,367 I'm like, that's honesty. 1109 00:42:49,002 --> 00:42:50,604 Don't lie. 1110 00:42:50,604 --> 00:42:52,673 I know it's easy. Don't do it. 1111 00:42:53,707 --> 00:42:55,676 I used to lie to my wife. 1112 00:42:55,676 --> 00:42:57,211 You know what I told her when I first met her? 1113 00:42:57,211 --> 00:42:59,346 I told her I liked country music. 1114 00:42:59,346 --> 00:43:01,114 I don't like country music. 1115 00:43:01,114 --> 00:43:02,216 She even busted me, too. 1116 00:43:02,216 --> 00:43:03,517 She's like, "Oh, yeah? What country?" 1117 00:43:04,184 --> 00:43:06,086 I'm like, "Taiwan. 1118 00:43:06,086 --> 00:43:07,754 "It's an independent, democratic country." 1119 00:43:09,089 --> 00:43:11,091 You know why I say don't lie? 1120 00:43:11,091 --> 00:43:12,593 'Cause it's a blessing to be loved. 1121 00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:16,396 See, I do this silly little thing. 1122 00:43:16,396 --> 00:43:18,398 Every card I get, Christmas card, 1123 00:43:18,398 --> 00:43:20,133 thank-you card, 1124 00:43:20,133 --> 00:43:21,568 birthday cards. I kept all of it. 1125 00:43:21,568 --> 00:43:23,770 I have hundreds of cards at home. 1126 00:43:23,770 --> 00:43:25,105 And people always ask me, 1127 00:43:25,105 --> 00:43:27,641 "Ed, what are you gonna do with all these cards?" 1128 00:43:27,641 --> 00:43:29,543 Well, there's gonna be a moment in the future. 1129 00:43:29,543 --> 00:43:31,078 I'm gonna sit down my kid and be like, 1130 00:43:31,078 --> 00:43:33,380 - "One day, this will all be yours." - [MAN CHUCKLES] 1131 00:43:33,380 --> 00:43:35,249 "And there's some shampoo in the back. 1132 00:43:35,249 --> 00:43:36,884 "Your granddad gave us those. 1133 00:43:36,884 --> 00:43:38,585 "It's all garbage. I don't want it. Take it." 1134 00:43:40,721 --> 00:43:42,956 Because I know what's it like not to be loved. 1135 00:43:44,758 --> 00:43:47,394 The last relationship with the woman I was with, 1136 00:43:47,394 --> 00:43:52,499 she told me I wasn't good enough on the night of the proposal. 1137 00:43:53,433 --> 00:43:55,235 I had to take the ring back. 1138 00:43:55,235 --> 00:43:57,504 It was way past policy. 1139 00:43:57,504 --> 00:44:00,073 She was very nice. She goes, "Ed, I understand. 1140 00:44:00,073 --> 00:44:03,110 "I know what's going on. You don't have to say anything. 1141 00:44:03,110 --> 00:44:05,612 "Just stand there. I got it. Don't worry." 1142 00:44:06,914 --> 00:44:09,183 Big purchase, big refund. Took forever. 1143 00:44:09,183 --> 00:44:10,951 I felt terrible. 1144 00:44:10,951 --> 00:44:12,085 So, I started a conversation. 1145 00:44:12,085 --> 00:44:13,253 I said, "Hey, this happened a lot? 1146 00:44:13,253 --> 00:44:14,788 "Do people bring rings back all the time? 1147 00:44:14,788 --> 00:44:17,024 "Does this happen all the time?" 1148 00:44:17,024 --> 00:44:18,292 I just remember she looked at me 1149 00:44:18,292 --> 00:44:19,593 with the kindest eyes and said, 1150 00:44:20,527 --> 00:44:21,495 "Never." 1151 00:44:22,796 --> 00:44:24,765 I was broken. 1152 00:44:24,765 --> 00:44:27,100 But beauty belongs to the broken. 1153 00:44:27,100 --> 00:44:29,770 Nothing teaches you acceptance like a heartbreak. 1154 00:44:31,138 --> 00:44:33,507 I'll tell you my first heartbreaks. 1155 00:44:33,507 --> 00:44:35,676 It was the last summer of my high school. 1156 00:44:35,676 --> 00:44:38,378 That summer, I fell in love with a girl named Whitney. 1157 00:44:38,378 --> 00:44:42,883 And Whitney lived about six hours away from me. 1158 00:44:42,883 --> 00:44:45,986 So, that summer I begged Dad to buy me a bus ticket 1159 00:44:45,986 --> 00:44:48,722 and a place to stay, so I could go see her. 1160 00:44:48,722 --> 00:44:51,992 To my surprise, he agreed. 1161 00:44:51,992 --> 00:44:55,162 I took the bus there. Whitney's there to pick me up. 1162 00:44:55,162 --> 00:44:57,865 With a brand-new boyfriend named Matthew. 1163 00:44:58,999 --> 00:45:02,002 It was a terrible weekend. So lonely. 1164 00:45:02,002 --> 00:45:06,139 I took the bus back, Dad's there picking me up. I get in the car. 1165 00:45:06,139 --> 00:45:08,976 He looks at me, he goes, "No good, huh?" 1166 00:45:08,976 --> 00:45:11,845 And I'm like, is this a father's intuition? 1167 00:45:11,845 --> 00:45:15,682 Am I having a father-son moment for the first time in my life? 1168 00:45:15,682 --> 00:45:17,918 It turns out, Whitney called the house a week ago 1169 00:45:17,918 --> 00:45:19,853 and left a voicemail saying she has a new boyfriend. 1170 00:45:19,853 --> 00:45:22,489 Dad heard it, never told me. 1171 00:45:22,489 --> 00:45:25,592 Yeah, but it was a beautiful moment. 1172 00:45:25,592 --> 00:45:27,728 Because the thing I don't want to happen happened, 1173 00:45:28,662 --> 00:45:29,930 and I was okay. 1174 00:45:30,898 --> 00:45:33,834 In fact, I was so okay, 1175 00:45:33,834 --> 00:45:35,569 I became a goth. 1176 00:45:35,569 --> 00:45:37,037 [MAN CHUCKLES] 1177 00:45:37,037 --> 00:45:39,573 You can't be Asian and a goth. Doesn't make any sense. 1178 00:45:39,573 --> 00:45:42,376 I have to put on makeup to become white. 1179 00:45:42,376 --> 00:45:45,012 Like every time I walk out of the room, Dad would be like, 1180 00:45:45,012 --> 00:45:46,914 "Are you a geisha? We're not Japanese." 1181 00:45:48,081 --> 00:45:51,018 MAN: It's truly a blessing to be loved. 1182 00:45:53,253 --> 00:45:54,922 HILL: It is. 1183 00:45:54,922 --> 00:45:56,423 That's why if you love me... 1184 00:45:57,558 --> 00:46:01,395 today, I thank you. 1185 00:46:01,395 --> 00:46:03,964 I truly do. I know we just met, but I thank you. 1186 00:46:03,964 --> 00:46:07,401 You gave me your time. That's all I need. 1187 00:46:07,401 --> 00:46:09,036 And if you hate me, just know this... 1188 00:46:10,137 --> 00:46:13,307 I'm rooting for you. I am. 1189 00:46:13,307 --> 00:46:16,076 Because hate is not an emotion, it's a choice. 1190 00:46:16,076 --> 00:46:18,245 You made a very difficult choice. 1191 00:46:19,446 --> 00:46:21,548 Recently, I was having a conversation 1192 00:46:21,548 --> 00:46:22,983 with a gentleman from Ireland. 1193 00:46:22,983 --> 00:46:24,484 He just got here a few weeks ago. 1194 00:46:24,484 --> 00:46:27,287 He just landed. We had a great talk. 1195 00:46:27,287 --> 00:46:30,290 And the most incredible part of our talk 1196 00:46:30,290 --> 00:46:33,227 is the whole time he was talking, 1197 00:46:33,227 --> 00:46:36,930 I did not understand a single word that came out of his mouth. 1198 00:46:36,930 --> 00:46:38,665 His accent's way too thick. 1199 00:46:38,665 --> 00:46:40,501 The whole time he was talking, 1200 00:46:40,501 --> 00:46:41,835 I was thinking about... 1201 00:46:42,436 --> 00:46:43,504 Lucky Charms. 1202 00:46:44,571 --> 00:46:46,673 But I had a choice to make. 1203 00:46:46,673 --> 00:46:49,176 I can either listen to this person 1204 00:46:49,176 --> 00:46:53,447 and think about leprechauns and marshmallows... 1205 00:46:53,447 --> 00:46:56,650 or I can look this very white man in the face and say, 1206 00:46:56,650 --> 00:46:58,652 "Speak English. You're in my country now." 1207 00:46:58,652 --> 00:47:00,621 [MAN LAUGHS] 1208 00:47:02,923 --> 00:47:04,791 You know what's the most interesting thing? 1209 00:47:04,791 --> 00:47:06,159 Is the hardest person to love... 1210 00:47:07,327 --> 00:47:08,428 is yourself. 1211 00:47:09,596 --> 00:47:11,698 Yeah. I don't take care of myself. 1212 00:47:11,698 --> 00:47:13,667 You know those 99 cent tacos at Taco Bell? 1213 00:47:13,667 --> 00:47:15,936 I look at them, like, "Oh, my God, for $10, 1214 00:47:15,936 --> 00:47:19,039 "I can have diarrhea." 1215 00:47:19,039 --> 00:47:21,475 You know, I haven't gone to the gym for a long time, too. 1216 00:47:22,276 --> 00:47:23,477 People ask me, "Ed, 1217 00:47:23,477 --> 00:47:25,045 "is it because of the lockdown?" 1218 00:47:25,045 --> 00:47:27,214 I'm like, "The lockdown during 2012? 1219 00:47:27,214 --> 00:47:28,682 "Because that's how long it's been." 1220 00:47:29,850 --> 00:47:32,519 And I went back recently. I did. 1221 00:47:32,519 --> 00:47:34,388 And again, I didn't take care of myself, 1222 00:47:34,388 --> 00:47:37,958 didn't pace myself. I passed out on the bench press. 1223 00:47:37,958 --> 00:47:39,526 Yeah. The trainer had to come revive me. 1224 00:47:39,526 --> 00:47:42,029 He gave me oxygen. Woke me up. 1225 00:47:42,029 --> 00:47:44,164 He gave me a banana. He goes, "Eat it." 1226 00:47:44,164 --> 00:47:47,201 I'm like, "It's okay. I'm just gonna go home." 1227 00:47:47,201 --> 00:47:49,903 He goes, "No, eat it or you can't go home." 1228 00:47:49,903 --> 00:47:52,206 So, at this point, the entire gym is staring at us, 1229 00:47:52,206 --> 00:47:55,142 and this super buff guy is just forcing me to eat a banana. 1230 00:47:55,142 --> 00:47:57,477 So. I ate it so I could go home. 1231 00:47:57,477 --> 00:47:58,679 So, now I can... 1232 00:47:58,679 --> 00:48:00,981 Now I can never go back, 'cause I'm that guy. 1233 00:48:00,981 --> 00:48:02,349 I'm the banana guy. 1234 00:48:04,351 --> 00:48:06,320 Because I have this mentality. 1235 00:48:06,320 --> 00:48:07,988 It's a dangerous mentality. 1236 00:48:07,988 --> 00:48:09,323 Walk it off, right? 1237 00:48:10,090 --> 00:48:11,191 That'll kill you one day. 1238 00:48:12,392 --> 00:48:15,362 See, a year ago, I got rear ended, 1239 00:48:16,196 --> 00:48:17,898 and I just walked it off. 1240 00:48:17,898 --> 00:48:21,502 I didn't go to physio or massage. 1241 00:48:21,502 --> 00:48:24,071 And four weeks later, I was in so much pain, 1242 00:48:24,071 --> 00:48:25,105 I couldn't get up. 1243 00:48:26,440 --> 00:48:27,841 And this is how stubborn I am. 1244 00:48:27,841 --> 00:48:30,444 I convinced myself I had kidney stones, 1245 00:48:30,444 --> 00:48:33,013 so I drank a shit-ton of water. 1246 00:48:33,013 --> 00:48:36,550 So, that night I went to bed, I couldn't get up, 1247 00:48:36,550 --> 00:48:38,752 - so I pissed the bed. - [MAN LAUGHS] 1248 00:48:38,752 --> 00:48:40,020 I woke my wife up. 1249 00:48:40,020 --> 00:48:41,455 She touched the moisture, she wakes. 1250 00:48:41,455 --> 00:48:43,423 She says, "Oh, my God, are you okay?" 1251 00:48:43,423 --> 00:48:47,060 I'm like, "Whatever you do, don't tell Dad. 1252 00:48:47,060 --> 00:48:48,061 "Just don't tell Dad." 1253 00:48:50,397 --> 00:48:53,233 The first step to becoming a person 1254 00:48:53,233 --> 00:48:54,902 is to embrace your humanity. 1255 00:48:56,270 --> 00:48:57,604 I'm gonna tell you something right now 1256 00:48:57,604 --> 00:48:58,972 that might change your opinion of who I am, 1257 00:48:58,972 --> 00:49:00,307 but I'm gonna tell you anyways. 1258 00:49:01,074 --> 00:49:03,043 I'm not truthful. 1259 00:49:03,043 --> 00:49:04,945 I tell people what they want to hear, 1260 00:49:04,945 --> 00:49:05,913 so they'll like me. 1261 00:49:07,114 --> 00:49:08,448 I tell people I like pizza. 1262 00:49:09,216 --> 00:49:10,217 I hate pizza. 1263 00:49:11,585 --> 00:49:12,920 I get a million questions. People like, 1264 00:49:12,920 --> 00:49:15,956 "Ed, how about cheesy bread?" 1265 00:49:15,956 --> 00:49:18,592 And I'm like, "That's just part of the pizza." 1266 00:49:18,592 --> 00:49:20,561 That's like somebody told you. "Hey, I don't like penis." 1267 00:49:20,561 --> 00:49:21,828 You're like, "How about foreskin?" 1268 00:49:21,828 --> 00:49:24,398 It's the same thing. It's the same structure. 1269 00:49:24,398 --> 00:49:26,834 Henry doesn't even believe me. You know what he did? I told him. 1270 00:49:26,834 --> 00:49:28,769 He bought a bunch of Domino's pizza. 1271 00:49:28,769 --> 00:49:30,904 He goes, "Ed, eat this, you'll change your mind." 1272 00:49:32,272 --> 00:49:34,408 I'm like, "That's not how you convince somebody." 1273 00:49:34,408 --> 00:49:36,109 That's like if you don't like sushi, I'm like, 1274 00:49:36,109 --> 00:49:38,412 "You know where we're going? 7-Eleven. 1275 00:49:38,412 --> 00:49:40,147 "We're gonna have some salmonella rolls." 1276 00:49:41,281 --> 00:49:43,784 MAN: So, what are you gonna do? 1277 00:49:44,852 --> 00:49:46,954 I decided... 1278 00:49:46,954 --> 00:49:48,789 I'm gonna do the things I want to do, 1279 00:49:48,789 --> 00:49:51,091 rather than I have to do. 1280 00:49:51,091 --> 00:49:54,261 Because every time I do something I don't want to do, 1281 00:49:54,261 --> 00:49:56,964 I become a person I don't even know anymore. 1282 00:49:58,098 --> 00:50:00,367 When I was 29... 1283 00:50:00,367 --> 00:50:03,437 I did a comedy festival in Carbondale, Illinois. 1284 00:50:03,437 --> 00:50:05,205 I didn't want to go. 1285 00:50:05,205 --> 00:50:07,341 I went for superficial reasons. 1286 00:50:07,341 --> 00:50:10,277 For exposure, for connections. 1287 00:50:10,277 --> 00:50:11,945 We had to transfer in St. Louis. 1288 00:50:13,046 --> 00:50:14,381 As the flight was taking off, 1289 00:50:14,381 --> 00:50:17,317 the tornado touched down and destroyed the airport. 1290 00:50:17,317 --> 00:50:19,052 It was a terrible flight. 1291 00:50:19,052 --> 00:50:21,455 Flight's dipping, flipping and diving. 1292 00:50:21,455 --> 00:50:22,856 That was the moment I realized 1293 00:50:22,856 --> 00:50:26,126 women are the stronger of all of us. 1294 00:50:26,126 --> 00:50:29,129 Because I look on my right, there's an old lady knitting a hat. 1295 00:50:29,129 --> 00:50:33,066 And she's making clothes while I'm making shit in my clothes. 1296 00:50:33,066 --> 00:50:35,035 And she knew I was anxious because she saw me, 1297 00:50:35,035 --> 00:50:37,371 she leans over, she goes, "It's okay, sonny. 1298 00:50:37,371 --> 00:50:40,140 "The tornado has only killed one person this year." 1299 00:50:41,175 --> 00:50:44,244 I'm like, it's January 15th. 1300 00:50:44,244 --> 00:50:46,880 This is not a very good track record. 1301 00:50:46,880 --> 00:50:48,515 I land, I do my show. 1302 00:50:48,515 --> 00:50:51,985 I can't get home because the airport's gone. 1303 00:50:51,985 --> 00:50:56,590 So I have to take a train from Carbondale to Chicago. 1304 00:50:56,590 --> 00:50:59,860 So, that night, I call a taxi. 1305 00:50:59,860 --> 00:51:02,596 Five blocks away, the taxi comes to a dead stop. 1306 00:51:02,596 --> 00:51:06,867 I go, "Sir, uh, the station is still up there." 1307 00:51:06,867 --> 00:51:09,436 He goes, "Oh, no, man. You got to walk. 1308 00:51:09,436 --> 00:51:11,905 "The tornado has brought so much water in the area, 1309 00:51:11,905 --> 00:51:13,207 "there's a flash flood coming. 1310 00:51:13,207 --> 00:51:14,908 "It's gonna push the car into the river." 1311 00:51:14,908 --> 00:51:18,879 I'm like, "Uh, is it safe to walk?" 1312 00:51:18,879 --> 00:51:20,247 He's like, "Yeah, don't worry. 1313 00:51:20,247 --> 00:51:23,283 "The tornado has only killed one person this year." 1314 00:51:23,283 --> 00:51:25,018 I'm like, "Is it the motto of this town? 1315 00:51:25,018 --> 00:51:26,053 "Am I that person?" 1316 00:51:27,354 --> 00:51:29,556 So, knee-deep water. I run to the station. 1317 00:51:30,457 --> 00:51:32,226 I get on the train. 1318 00:51:32,226 --> 00:51:33,293 And I got to tell you, 1319 00:51:33,293 --> 00:51:34,862 when I'm scared, I get the runs. 1320 00:51:34,862 --> 00:51:37,064 I'm like a squid. I squirt and go. 1321 00:51:37,064 --> 00:51:39,566 So, I thought, "You know what? I'll take some Imodium." 1322 00:51:39,566 --> 00:51:41,635 Right? Because it's a long ride. I don't want to make a mess. 1323 00:51:41,635 --> 00:51:46,273 I was so flustered, I accidentally took Nyquil. 1324 00:51:46,273 --> 00:51:49,276 That was eight hours of drowsy diarrhea. 1325 00:51:50,978 --> 00:51:52,946 In that moment of stupor, I realized something. 1326 00:51:54,281 --> 00:51:56,149 I should've always done what Mom and Dad did. 1327 00:51:57,417 --> 00:51:59,386 They may not know the best thing, 1328 00:51:59,386 --> 00:52:01,421 but they always did what they wanted to do. 1329 00:52:02,155 --> 00:52:04,224 See, I get home. 1330 00:52:04,224 --> 00:52:07,427 I walk through the door, and my wife's there. 1331 00:52:07,427 --> 00:52:08,762 And I haven't told her any of this. 1332 00:52:08,762 --> 00:52:10,831 She's watching the news. 1333 00:52:10,831 --> 00:52:12,099 And she turns around and she goes, 1334 00:52:12,099 --> 00:52:14,334 "Ed, how can you do this to me? 1335 00:52:15,469 --> 00:52:18,138 "What if you never come home? 1336 00:52:18,138 --> 00:52:20,674 "How can you do this? What if I don't see you again?" 1337 00:52:22,176 --> 00:52:24,311 I just remember looking in her eyes, I said, 1338 00:52:24,311 --> 00:52:25,946 "Don't worry. 1339 00:52:25,946 --> 00:52:28,515 "The tornado has only killed one person this year." 1340 00:52:31,151 --> 00:52:33,487 So you can see me right now, I don't have much body hair. 1341 00:52:33,487 --> 00:52:34,588 You may not know this, 1342 00:52:34,588 --> 00:52:36,790 Asians are descendants of dolphins. 1343 00:52:37,858 --> 00:52:39,326 No, that's so stupid. [CHUCKLES] 1344 00:52:39,326 --> 00:52:41,128 Here's the truth. 1345 00:52:41,128 --> 00:52:43,931 I don't have much body here, but for some reason, 1346 00:52:43,931 --> 00:52:46,166 when I was seven, I had a full mustache. 1347 00:52:47,100 --> 00:52:49,269 I have a thick black mustache. 1348 00:52:49,269 --> 00:52:51,271 So my body thought my face was my balls. 1349 00:52:51,271 --> 00:52:52,940 If you look at my seven-year-old class photo, 1350 00:52:52,940 --> 00:52:54,775 I look like an undercover pedophile. 1351 00:52:54,775 --> 00:52:57,144 You're like, "Who's that uncle in the bowtie?" 1352 00:52:57,144 --> 00:52:59,279 I took the mustache from Taipei to Vancouver. 1353 00:52:59,279 --> 00:53:00,814 I walk into class, 1354 00:53:00,814 --> 00:53:02,316 teacher didn't know what to do. 1355 00:53:02,316 --> 00:53:06,019 She's like, "Who is this 45-year-old man in my class?" 1356 00:53:06,019 --> 00:53:07,321 You know what she did? 1357 00:53:07,321 --> 00:53:09,189 She put me with other kids that looked like me. 1358 00:53:09,189 --> 00:53:11,859 They don't even speak the same language. 1359 00:53:11,859 --> 00:53:14,027 They spoke Vietnamese, they spoke Korean. 1360 00:53:14,027 --> 00:53:15,996 They beat me up every day. 1361 00:53:15,996 --> 00:53:17,664 Every single day, they beat me up. 1362 00:53:17,664 --> 00:53:20,167 You know who helped me? Is the white kids. 1363 00:53:20,167 --> 00:53:23,303 I am truly thankful for their friendship. 1364 00:53:23,303 --> 00:53:24,905 When I graduated middle school, 1365 00:53:24,905 --> 00:53:26,473 no one wanted to sign my yearbook. 1366 00:53:26,473 --> 00:53:27,641 Not a single soul. 1367 00:53:27,641 --> 00:53:28,842 Only one kid did. 1368 00:53:28,842 --> 00:53:31,378 His name is Brett Glossly. 1369 00:53:31,378 --> 00:53:32,980 He wrote, "Ed, Have a great summer." 1370 00:53:32,980 --> 00:53:35,215 He goes, "Why don't you sign mine?" 1371 00:53:35,215 --> 00:53:38,685 Never been asked. I didn't even know what to do. 1372 00:53:38,685 --> 00:53:40,487 I wanna say something nice. 1373 00:53:40,487 --> 00:53:42,556 My English was not very good at the time. 1374 00:53:42,556 --> 00:53:43,657 I wanted to say something like, 1375 00:53:43,657 --> 00:53:45,993 "Hey, I'll see you after summer." 1376 00:53:46,894 --> 00:53:48,662 What I wrote was, 1377 00:53:48,662 --> 00:53:51,331 "I'll be watching you when winter comes." 1378 00:53:51,331 --> 00:53:54,001 Which is the creepiest thing you can write in someone's book. 1379 00:53:54,001 --> 00:53:55,836 [MAN CHUCKLES] 1380 00:53:55,836 --> 00:53:57,104 You see, I'm on stages all the time. 1381 00:53:58,205 --> 00:54:00,207 And you may not know this, 1382 00:54:00,207 --> 00:54:02,509 for my whole life, I've been told 1383 00:54:02,509 --> 00:54:03,610 I'm not good enough. 1384 00:54:05,112 --> 00:54:07,047 Teachers said I'm too stupid. 1385 00:54:07,047 --> 00:54:08,882 Coaches said I'm too slow. 1386 00:54:08,882 --> 00:54:11,585 Agents say I'm too boring. 1387 00:54:11,585 --> 00:54:13,253 It happened the other day. 1388 00:54:13,253 --> 00:54:14,788 A gentleman sent me a message after the show. 1389 00:54:14,788 --> 00:54:18,358 He goes, "Ed, you are a bad person. 1390 00:54:18,358 --> 00:54:22,563 "Calling out brown people? You are a bad person." 1391 00:54:23,630 --> 00:54:25,465 I know what he was referring to. 1392 00:54:25,465 --> 00:54:27,367 He was referring to the story I told you about the man with the turban 1393 00:54:27,367 --> 00:54:30,070 on the playground, which I never said he was brown. 1394 00:54:30,070 --> 00:54:32,606 He could have been Justin Trudeau. 1395 00:54:32,606 --> 00:54:34,575 [MAN LAUGHS] 1396 00:54:34,575 --> 00:54:36,610 But here's the thing, I'm not truthful. 1397 00:54:36,610 --> 00:54:37,978 I exaggerate. 1398 00:54:37,978 --> 00:54:42,950 But that story, ironically, happens to be 100% true. 1399 00:54:44,284 --> 00:54:47,054 It happened November 17th, 1994, 1400 00:54:47,054 --> 00:54:51,325 on the playground of Pinetree Way Elementary School, 1401 00:54:51,325 --> 00:54:54,895 in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada. 1402 00:54:54,895 --> 00:54:58,599 So, is that man a bad person for saying that to me? 1403 00:54:58,599 --> 00:55:02,469 Am I a bad person for telling you that story? 1404 00:55:02,469 --> 00:55:06,840 Or maybe, just maybe, none of this matters. 1405 00:55:06,840 --> 00:55:09,943 Maybe what we need to do is figure out who we are 1406 00:55:09,943 --> 00:55:12,946 before we try to understand other people. 1407 00:55:14,181 --> 00:55:16,416 Because a wise man once told me, 1408 00:55:16,416 --> 00:55:18,285 "If you don't know where you are, 1409 00:55:18,285 --> 00:55:20,354 "then go back to where you came from." 1410 00:55:22,656 --> 00:55:25,459 MAN: It sounds like you've changed. 1411 00:55:27,494 --> 00:55:28,695 HILL: I learned something. 1412 00:55:30,030 --> 00:55:33,300 Life is full of disappointments. 1413 00:55:35,002 --> 00:55:37,771 If you can survive it, you're invincible. 1414 00:55:39,106 --> 00:55:40,774 I realized, at any point, 1415 00:55:40,774 --> 00:55:44,044 if you can't do this anymore and you feel alone, 1416 00:55:44,044 --> 00:55:46,680 just talk to the women in your life. 1417 00:55:49,650 --> 00:55:52,286 Because the simple fact of talking about it 1418 00:55:52,286 --> 00:55:54,354 takes the power away from the crisis. 1419 00:55:55,689 --> 00:55:57,524 See, recently, I had a chance 1420 00:55:57,524 --> 00:55:59,059 to go for a little walk with my wife, 1421 00:55:59,059 --> 00:56:02,529 just to walk and talk around Mom and Dad's place. 1422 00:56:02,529 --> 00:56:03,897 We came across this new new coffee shop. 1423 00:56:03,897 --> 00:56:06,300 We've never seen it. It's very busy. 1424 00:56:06,300 --> 00:56:09,069 So, I had an idea. I said," You know what? Let me go in there. 1425 00:56:09,069 --> 00:56:11,138 "I'll get the drinks. It's faster this way. 1426 00:56:11,138 --> 00:56:13,140 "And we'll keep talking and we'll keep walking." 1427 00:56:13,140 --> 00:56:15,876 I go inside. Had to go to the bathroom. 1428 00:56:15,876 --> 00:56:17,578 Because of Taco Bell. 1429 00:56:17,578 --> 00:56:19,479 And I clogged the toilet. 1430 00:56:19,479 --> 00:56:21,248 So I just left. I didn't get the drinks. 1431 00:56:21,248 --> 00:56:22,649 My wife's like, "Where are the drinks?" 1432 00:56:22,649 --> 00:56:23,750 I'm like, "It doesn't matter. We gotta go. 1433 00:56:23,750 --> 00:56:25,485 "Just keep walking." 1434 00:56:25,485 --> 00:56:28,922 She goes. "No, Ed, tell me." So, I told her. 1435 00:56:28,922 --> 00:56:31,058 And I saw the same disappointment on her face 1436 00:56:31,992 --> 00:56:34,261 as when I called Mom a bitch. 1437 00:56:34,261 --> 00:56:35,896 She goes, "Ed, no, please. 1438 00:56:35,896 --> 00:56:38,532 "Go in there, get our drinks, 1439 00:56:39,433 --> 00:56:42,169 "apologize, and own your shit." 1440 00:56:43,003 --> 00:56:44,171 Literally. 1441 00:56:44,171 --> 00:56:46,874 So, I'm like, "Fine. Okay. I promised." 1442 00:56:48,208 --> 00:56:51,011 So, I go in there again. You know, it's very busy. 1443 00:56:51,011 --> 00:56:52,679 I have to cut through the crowd. 1444 00:56:52,679 --> 00:56:55,182 You know, the lady's at the counter. I'm so nervous. 1445 00:56:55,182 --> 00:56:58,785 I'm like, "Hey, I'm so sorry." 1446 00:56:58,785 --> 00:57:02,456 She goes, "Oh, don't worry about it. We already know." 1447 00:57:02,456 --> 00:57:04,057 I'm like, "You already know?" 1448 00:57:04,057 --> 00:57:06,026 She's like, "Yeah, it's part of being human. 1449 00:57:06,026 --> 00:57:07,561 "Don't even worry about it." 1450 00:57:07,561 --> 00:57:10,597 I'm like, "Oh, good. Thank you for saying that. 1451 00:57:10,597 --> 00:57:14,034 "'Cause I think I just put too much toilet paper in the toilet." 1452 00:57:14,034 --> 00:57:16,036 And she pauses, she goes, 1453 00:57:16,036 --> 00:57:18,205 "What are you talking about?" 1454 00:57:19,606 --> 00:57:22,643 I'm like, "No!" 1455 00:57:22,643 --> 00:57:25,412 She's like, "Yeah, you're the guy with herpes." 1456 00:57:25,412 --> 00:57:26,780 I'm like, "Damn it, Mom." 1457 00:57:26,780 --> 00:57:28,215 [MAN LAUGHS] 1458 00:57:31,718 --> 00:57:33,387 So, before I came here today, 1459 00:57:34,321 --> 00:57:35,722 I was actually at Mom and Dad's. 1460 00:57:37,791 --> 00:57:38,992 I was there with my wife. 1461 00:57:38,992 --> 00:57:42,829 We're looking through old family albums. 1462 00:57:42,829 --> 00:57:44,998 And there's all these photograph evidence of me 1463 00:57:44,998 --> 00:57:48,101 destroying every family vacation we ever had. 1464 00:57:48,101 --> 00:57:49,736 'Cause I'm in full goth makeup. 1465 00:57:51,138 --> 00:57:52,940 And Dad walks by, he sees the photo, 1466 00:57:52,940 --> 00:57:55,342 he just goes, "Stupid Ed," and he walks away. 1467 00:57:56,977 --> 00:57:58,812 And as invalidating and judgmental 1468 00:57:58,812 --> 00:57:59,913 as that may seem, 1469 00:58:00,747 --> 00:58:02,416 that's his acceptance. 1470 00:58:03,617 --> 00:58:06,520 He finally accepted who I am as a person. 1471 00:58:09,189 --> 00:58:12,359 You see, when I was 16, I made a choice. 1472 00:58:13,360 --> 00:58:15,629 I chose to hate love. 1473 00:58:17,197 --> 00:58:18,465 See, that summer... 1474 00:58:19,833 --> 00:58:22,102 I tried to kill myself. 1475 00:58:22,102 --> 00:58:23,804 'Cause all the love I was giving away 1476 00:58:24,638 --> 00:58:25,806 never came back. 1477 00:58:27,608 --> 00:58:30,978 But in the midst of that pain, something incredible happened. 1478 00:58:32,646 --> 00:58:35,983 I looked up to whoever and whatever's above, 1479 00:58:35,983 --> 00:58:39,453 I asked them to show me a miracle. 1480 00:58:41,455 --> 00:58:42,489 And they did. 1481 00:58:46,793 --> 00:58:48,629 [GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING] 1482 00:58:48,629 --> 00:58:49,663 That miracle 1483 00:58:50,864 --> 00:58:53,000 was a stupid kid who was born in Taiwan 1484 00:58:54,001 --> 00:58:55,068 and raised in Canada. 1485 00:58:56,370 --> 00:58:59,473 He has a mustache as big as his manhood. 1486 00:59:01,141 --> 00:59:02,809 He has a family who knows no boundaries 1487 00:59:02,809 --> 00:59:04,678 and lives a world that makes no sense. 1488 00:59:05,979 --> 00:59:07,814 Even though he may not always know it, 1489 00:59:09,082 --> 00:59:10,717 he does not have herpes, 1490 00:59:11,718 --> 00:59:15,055 and he is worthy of love. 1491 00:59:17,191 --> 00:59:18,659 I have a confession to make to you. 1492 00:59:20,994 --> 00:59:22,829 It took us 38 years to learn this. 1493 00:59:24,932 --> 00:59:29,903 Sometimes it's good enough to be just me. 1494 00:59:44,117 --> 00:59:46,920 [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC CONTINUES]