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Can I kvetch? Can I kvetch a little bit? Is it okay?
I'm going to start with how I was introduced on stage the other day.
The host, he introduced me like this.
He said, "And now
for a little estrogen."
Can you believe...
He thought I still had estrogen.
Yeah, it's hard.
It's hard being a woman in this business.
It's even harder being an older woman in this business, right?
No one is looking
for Amy Schumer's mother.
And with my estrogen levels,
I'm more likely to be the next Chuck Schumer.
But my friends are so supportive.
They say things to me like,
"Felicia, Phyllis Diller started when she was 40."
Like that would make me feel better...
if I were 40.
The other day, I got off stage and this guy came up to me
and said, "You know, Felicia, no one wants to hear
"from a woman over 50."
I'm like, "You know what?
"You're sleeping on the couch tonight."
That's my supportive husband.
He said, "Don't take this the wrong way.
"But I think you've aged out of telling sex jokes on stage."
I'm like, "Yeah, you know what else I aged out of?
"Our prenup."
But he's got a point.
It's hard. It's hard. Sometimes, like in the audience,
no one has kids,
no one's even married.
The only thing I have in common with them
are STDs.
Because I have three...
27, 25, and 21...
Sexually transmitted
dependents.
They're just like STDs.
They're annoying and irritating.
And just when you think it's going away, it comes back.
Oh, yeah, it's really hard.
We'll find like a young man in the audience and look at him
and be like,
"I can be your Mrs. Robinson."
You're laughing. He's like, "Who's Mrs. Robinson?"
And fun fact...
Anne Bancroft was 35 when she filmed that.
So I could be Mrs. Robinson's mother.
And then I have these, like, young comedians on stage.
They're like, "Oh, my God, my wrinkles.
"I'm fat... My body... I'm so old..."
They're 30.
And I get on stage like the Wicked Witch of the West.
Just you wait, my pretty.
It's gonna get worse.
And they complain.
They complain about things like Plan B.
"It's so expensive, my boyfriend won't pay for it."
You're gonna tell him to pay for it,
because he's gonna be really upset
when he finds out how expensive Plan A is.
I said to one of them... I said, "You know,
"you've been dating your boyfriend for seven years.
"When are you guys going to get married?"
And she said to me, "Felicia, I make more money than him and I don't want kids.
"Why would I get married?"
And I said...
"I have no idea."
This generation, they're not getting married,
they're not having kids.
They're leaving child rearing to the teenagers,
the Trump supporters and the Texans.
Go America.
God, I'm excited for them, because they're a little bit more fortunate than I was,
because that glass ceiling has finally been shattered
by all the white men falling through it.
And now they can have it all.
They want it all.
I'm like, "All is a lot."
I don't want it all.
My husband doesn't even have it all.
I have half.
No. But I am excited, you know, for women to lead,
and there'll be no more sex, lies, and corruption in the world.
Or so I thought.
It's not going so well, girls.
There are a lot of corrupt women out there, right.
Already there's like, let's see... Elizabeth Holmes,
Ghislaine Maxwell,
Miss Piggy...
What? She's been mean to Kermit for decades.
And the first female president...
That's gonna happen soon. Right, girls? Right?
- You think so? -Yeah.
Yeah. I'm a little worried about it, though.
There might be a little drama.
I mean, like, "Madam President,
"I have the Secretary of State on the line."
"I'm not speaking to her."
"Why?"
"She knows."
Yeah, but I decided with all the naysayers and the critics,
I decided to do this anyway, right?
Mainly because of my idol, Joan Rivers.
She's shown me my career could survive another 20 plastic surgeries.
And I'm doing this, because I want to prove to my kids
that I could do something with my life other than ruining theirs.
So I'm taking this special and I'm putting it in my will.
And my kids aren't gonna get any of my money...
until all my grandkids watch it.
So, grandkids, this is for you.
I don't know what device you're watching this on,
but I want you to know it makes Grandma look
ten pounds heavier.
So I grew up...
Anyone grew up in New York? Any true New Yorkers here?
Yeah!
I grew up in the worst, most embarrassing part of the city.
New Jersey.
I was born Felicia Joy Madison.
My parents were very happy to have me.
My brothers, not so much.
And then I got married and the joy left my life.
I became Felicia Madison Levy,
which sounds like a feminist Jewish law firm.
So I go by Felicia Madison.
I never liked my first name. I hated it.
I was teased in middle school.
They called me this name, I didn't know what it was.
It was "fellatio."
So one day I went to my dad and I said, "Dad, what does fellatio mean?"
And he looked at me and said, "You know... You know...
"You know what? I don't remember."
So then I went to my mom and I asked my mom,
"Mom, what does fellatio mean?"
And she sat me down and she said, "Felicia,
"fellatio is when a woman pleasures a man
"by putting her mouth on his penis."
"That's terrible."
She said, "Because they're teasing you?"
I said, "No, because Dad has no idea."
So luckily, I graduated from that to, "Bye, Felicia."
Did you guys know what "Bye, Felicia" means? Anyone?
No? Yeah. It means a random bitch that no one's sad to see go.
FML.
Those are my initials.
I grew up. I was the poorest girl in my neighborhood,
and I hated it.
I know it's hard to believe now, but it was.
I was. And I complained all the time to my mom.
And she said to me, "Felicia, with money comes problems."
And I said, "Bring them on. Show me the problems."
So I studied hard.
I went to an Ivy League school and I succeeded the old fashioned way.
Yeah.
I married my boss.
I didn't marry my boss.
He wouldn't leave his wife.
Don't judge.
There was no sexual harassment back then.
It was a weekly review.
And I'm an overachiever.
But thanks to this Me Too movement,
they're clamping down on office romance.
And now you young girls
are never gonna find a husband.
Yeah, I did. I got married.
It was hard work.
Yeah.
It took my husband three years to propose to me.
Three years I had to be
on my best behavior.
I was cooking, cleaning,
swallowing...
I'm kidding.
I don't clean.
I became a mom.
Someone told me it would make me happy.
Oh!
They told me it was the best job in the world.
I'm like if it was the best job in the world,
a man would have it.
Best job? I work 24/7,
no vacation, no pay.
My employees complain all the time.
"You suck! I hate you! You're the worst."
And my coworker sexually harasses me every day.
Best job in the world.
Do you know that one in nine women
suffer from postpartum depression?
Yeah, one in nine.
But the good news is the government's gotten involved,
and they created paternity leave.
Yeah, they're sending the men home to help.
So now nine on nine women have postpartum depression.
Yeah, I was lucky I had my mom.
She was so helpful.
Oh, my God, she would come over and give me the best advice.
She would say, "Felicia, you're so hard on them.
"They're just kids.
"Relax. Let them be."
Where was she when I was growing up?
She's always saying to me, "It's so much harder raising kids now."
I'm like, "Yeah, that generation was so laid-back,
"they needed to be reminded to look for us."
It's 10:00 p.m. Do you know where your children are?
I know where my kid is every second of the day.
Okay? I have an app for it.
She's making a left on 97th and 5th.
They're in a Uber right now.
And disciplining?
All she had to say was, "Wait until your dad gets home."
And we listened, right?
You listened. Because why?
Because they could hit us, yell at us, right.
We can't do that anymore.
All I can say is, "Wait till Dad gets home.
"I'm sending him in for another
"long, boring talk."
And my son, he looks at me and he goes, "Mom, please just hit me."
My dad would yell at me if I left the lights on in the house.
Like, "What, do you own stock in the electric company?"
I can't do that, because my kids do.
And what about this?
You know, when they grounded us,
"Go to your room and don't come out
"till you're ready to apologize."
My kids would never come out.
I always came out right away, because I left my phone in the kitchen,
attached to the wall.
So I have three kids.
My oldest one is stubborn, like my husband.
My middle one's gorgeous, like my trainer. And my...
And my third one, finally, one that looks like me,
acts like me,
and I can't stand her.
But my oldest one. When she was 16,
she was diagnosed with a learning disorder
that made it very difficult for her to express her feelings.
So we decided not to treat her.
She's my favorite.
And everyone has favorites.
You have a favorite, right?
You a favorite? Oh, come on.
Everyone's mom... Every mom has a favorite.
You don't think Jeffrey Dahmer's mom didn't have a favorite?
News flash, it wasn't Jeffrey.
Yeah. So she's got extra time in school.
That's where you can take a test
over multiple hours or days, or even take it home.
And you're eligible for this
if you have ADHD, dyslexia,
or rich parents.
It's a good system, but I'm a little worried
how these kids are going to adapt in the real world.
I don't want to go for my colonoscopy
and have the doctor say to me,
"Usually this takes a half hour.
"But I get extra time.
"So see you tomorrow."
My son's amazing... until I sent him to college.
It was very stressful sending a boy out into the world
without a fully developed brain.
When he went to college, he started texting me pictures of all his ailments.
It would be like his bruises, his ingrown nail, his rashes.
And one day he sent me a picture of his bloody snot and asked,
"Is this normal?"
I'm like, "The blood, or the fact that you're sending it to me?"
Honestly, I was just thankful he didn't get an STD,
because I did not want my first dick pic to be from my son.
But he's a good kid.
He's really great, you know.
He calls me once a week,
right after I change the Netflix password.
So I had a girl, then a boy, then a third girl.
And everyone always asks me if she was a mistake.
And I say, "Not at the time."
She was a terror when she was a teenager.
They have this "terrible twos," "sweet 16" all mixed up.
It should be "adorable twos"
and "get the fuck out of my house 16."
I thought she was drinking the liquor.
So I came up with this plan, I started marking
all the bottles of alcohol to the fill line.
And I did this for a month.
And you know what I found out?
I'm an alcoholic.
But can you blame me?
I mean, can you blame me?
She's so moody.
I need like a weather app to predict her moods.
You know? "Today, partly whiny with a chance of bitch."
"Sunny skies.
"She wants money, guys."
Or maybe it's more like Waze.
You know, like, "Watch out, PMS ahead.
"Rerouting, boyfriend breakup."
"Hazard, horny husband."
Works for him too.
Yeah, she complains to me all the time.
The other day she came home and she said,
"Oh, my God, my hair, it's frizzy and needs highlights.
"I want a nose job."
"Listen. What is wrong with you?"
And she said to me,
"I'm just trying to get rid of all my unattractive Jewish traits."
But then I thought about it.
I was like, "Okay.
"Let's start with complaining."
And she had the nerve to say to me one day,
"When did your style become so matronly?"
"Like, the minute you came out of my body and ruined it. Obviously."
But luckily, she gets along really well with her sister.
They're so cute together.
They're great friends.
And they're really adorable until they go to take an Instagram picture
and become total sluts.
I'm like, "Girls! Girls, What are you doing?
"And can you teach me?"
So they told me to make a smize.
Does anyone know what a smize is?
Anyone? You know what a smize is?
No? I didn't... I didn't know it either.
It's when you smile with your eyebrows,
like raise your eyebrows and I said to them, "You see this?
"It doesn't move anymore."
So they said, "Okay, try a duck face, Mom." And I went like...
She's like, "No, no, no, no, Mom.
"Just look down and lightly suck."
And I'm like, "Ooh, I don't do that anymore either."
But you know what a really fun thing
to do with a teenage girl is?
It's amazing. A great bonding experience.
College tours.
Yeah, I took her across the country.
Oh, my God, like the hair pulling, the crying, the whining,
and she wasn't happy, either.
The only one that was happy was my husband.
He was there with his map.
Yeah, a paper one. Even I was embarrassed.
And he was searching
for the frat houses, the football stadiums, and his lost youth.
Someone else has a husband with a lost youth.
And it always is the same where you all,
like pile into an auditorium with all these other
miserable parents and their STDs.
And there's someone trying to convince you to send your child
to this elite, idyllic, pristine,
beautiful Ivy League school.
You don't have to pitch me. Like, why are you pitching me?
This isn't Scientology.
You had me at hello.
It's like me bumping into Bradley Cooper on the street
and him trying to convince me to go on a date with him.
I'm like, you had me at shallow.
And then you go on the tour.
The tour guide always has this huge jug of water.
How long is this tour?
I mean, seriously?
The Jews had less water in the desert for 40 years.
I mean, I never walked around
with a bottle of water growing up. Did you?
Did you? No.
When you were thirsty, what did you do?
-Water fountain. - Water fountain, exactly.
We'd find a water fountain,
and we lean over and get our tongue a little wet.
And we were fine all day.
Which made me realize that this generation is just over hydrated.
Which may be why they're so fluid.
Then I get to the security portion
and the security person says, "Okay,
"if your child's nervous to walk home alone at night,
"we have a number for her to call.
"And we'll arrange to have her walked home
"by a football player."
Isn't that what I was worried about?
"Don't worry. We send two football players."
Oh, my God. Can I have the number?
Luckily, we got her into school.
She was so excited.
She just wanted to get as far away from us as possible.
She had one requirement, she said,
"I want to go out of the country."
So we sent her to Texas.
And it's a big difference between moving a girl to school
and a boy to school.
Does anyone have girls and boys?
They experience this?
- Yeah? Do you agree? -Yes.
Everyone agree? Yeah.
Okay. This is what my daughter brought to school. Okay?
Three bags of clothes, two bags of shoes, one bag of makeup,
an area rug, a throw rug, a dust ruffle, a duvet, two sets of seats, pillow,
decorative pillows, shams, more decorative pillows,
lights, twinkle lights, neon lights,
a vanity mirror, a regular mirror, a decorative mirror,
four sets of prints, two photo boards.
None of me.
One vision board, a shoe rack, a clothes rack, her rack,
an air fryer, a toaster, and an espresso maker.
And my son brought his iPhone...
and forgot his charger.
They also advise kids these days
not to have sex when they're drunk.
I don't know about you, but I can't imagine
being in college and having sex when I wasn't drunk,
I can't even imagine it now.
Anyway, someone said if my son happened to take a girl out
and they were drinking,
that he should take her out for coffee the next day to protect himself.
Yeah, yeah.
So we dropped him off at college with a box of condoms and a Starbucks card.
And we dropped our daughter off with an espresso maker.
So I became an empty nester.
Thank you.
I started a podcast with my friend called Empty Nesters Podcast.
It was designed to help women. -
Yeah. It was designed to help women like
adapt to this new phase in their life.
And it was a complete failure, because everyone was completely happy.
I was very happy
until I got an email a week later from the school
saying there was visiting weekend in two weeks.
I said to him, "She just left.
"She's fine. I'm fine. We're fine."
But of course we went, and I went to go speak to the teacher.
And the teacher said to me, "Oh, I cannot talk to you about your daughter."
I was like, "Why?"
She said, "They're fur pelage. Your daughter is an adult now."
I'm like, "Oh.
"Can you tell her that?"
And while you're at it, send her the bills.
And why am I here?
So I went home.
A month later, I get a call from my adult.
I always know when she's calling,
because I get a text first from the bank.
She said, "Mom, I'm in trouble.
"I went to a fraternity date night.
"I got busted for underage drinking, and I have to go to court."
I went, "Oh, my God.
"You had a date?"
She's like, "Oh, Mom, we're just friends."
And I'm like, "Oh, better luck in court."
And she's like, "You gotta help me."
So she got what is called an MIP.
Does anyone know what that is?
What is it? Who said it?
-Minor in possession. - Minor in possession.
I didn't know that. It's a... It's a minor possession.
Of alcohol, not my money.
And so I said, "Oh, sweetie, no problem.
"Just call them up.
"You're not a minor. Tell them you're an adult now."
So, yeah, my kids spend different amounts of money.
Like, my son spends a lot less than my daughters, and it's not their fault,
because they have to buy more expensive things.
They do. I actually know what my kids
spend their money on, because I snoop on their Venmo.
Is anyone else... Creepy?
At my son's Venmo, the emojis are like cheap things
like taco, beer, Subway...
And my daughters' are like sushi, wine,
and eggplants.
They're organic, they're expensive,
and she gets them washed too.
I came up with this really good plan.
I go to my husband's Venmo and I Venmo myself a dollar
and I put emojis like vacation, diamond, eggplant, trainer.
My friends are so jealous.
But my kids have no value of money, and it's not their fault.
It's because they never actually touched it.
Yeah. They think money grows on apps.
And I gave them a credit card for emergency
and family-related things only.
And I had to call up my daughter and say, "Excuse me,
"What was your emergency in Sephora?"
"Oh, my God, Mom, it was Better Than Sex."
What?
Who knows what Better Than Sex is?
Anyone? Yeah.
What is it?
-A mascara. - A mascara exactly.
I was really mad at this company,
that they're targeting this product to young girls.
I mean, they're not targeting me,
because if they were, it'd be called Better Than Sleep.
Okay. These girls are too young to have their dreams shattered.
Right?
So I asked her, "Is it still on sale?"
I bought a dozen. I tried it.
And I have to tell you, like, no gloppy mess.
You know, it lasted a long time.
You could do it multiple times in a day.
It is better than sex.
And then I called my other daughter,
and I said, "You know, I think it's time
"that you pay for your own therapist."
And she said, "Oh, no, Mom.
"That's definitely family-related."
That's my single daughter.
Any single guys out there?
No? One...
One... One...
One brave soul.
Okay. How tall are you?
5'10".
5'10"? Okay, that's borderline.
How much do you make?
She's on the dating apps.
I suggested eBay, but whatever.
I mean, they know how to sell things, right?
Yeah, she's on Bumble.
That's the one where she gets to pick the guy.
She can't pick a melon.
How is she gonna pick a guy?
And she complains about them to me.
And I have to explain to her, you have no idea what I had to go through.
We didn't have apps. We had to go on blind dates
where I had some random guy come to my house,
and he would knock on my door.
And I always had to leave two pair of shoes,
a pair of flats and a pair of high heels,
because I had no idea how tall he was.
I mean, he was Jewish, so I kind of knew how tall he was.
But I was hopeful.
And you know how many times I opened the door and wished I could have...
She complains. I think it's fun.
Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe.
And I got to get on the app with her.
I know, creepy.
But she accidentally spent 2,000 of my dollars, so she owed me.
And we're swiping, swiping, swiping.
And we're on this one, for every five swipes, you have to pay $5.
It was the Jewish one.
And $500 later, she's still looking for a tall guy,
and I'm looking into how to get my money back.
And then finally I see this tall, cute guy.
I'm like, "Wait, wait. What's wrong with that guy?"
And she said, "I don't like the shape of his face."
I'm like, "That face went to Harvard...
as a hedge fund manager."
And she said, "Mom, you're so shallow."
I'm like, "Me?
"Me... You don't like him for the shape of his face."
"I'm practical.
"Like, with money, maybe he could change his face."
They don't know what they're doing.
I decided that I'm gonna create an app for her, and for all you girls.
Okay? No pictures.
They're all fat and bald in the end. It doesn't matter.
It's gonna list three things.
His income, his height, and his real height.
And I'm gonna put reviews on them.
Why are there no reviews on dating apps?
Right? We review everything.
Our doctors, our restaurants, our Uber drivers.
Why not our guys? We gotta warn people out there.
So this is how it's gonna work. Okay?
It's going to be like when you buy an item of clothing online
and you have to return it.
What do you have to do?
You have to give a reason, right?
Okay. So I'm returning this boy to the dating pool.
Reason:
"Not as described or pictured."
Reason: "Too small."
"Did not come on time."
"Arrived damaged."
Someone once said to me after...
Thank you.
After the show, someone said,
"Ah, men reviews." And I was like, "Oh, my God, that's what I'm gonna call it.
"Amen."
No B's, C's, or D's.
And if you're lucky, y'all get an "F."
She's still single.
And I said to her, "Listen..."
I said, "You know, you just really need
"to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else."
So I decided to buy her a vibrator.
And, boy, oh, boy, have vibrators changed.
Okay, when I bought my first vibrator,
there was, like one kind,
and it was designed by men.
So it was very large and looked like a penis,
'cause that's what they thought we liked.
And you unscrew it and two double D's fall out,
because that's what they like.
I guess it was a little intimidating,
so they decided to put bunny ears on it,
and they called it a rabbit.
A rabbit.
They have any animal to choose from in the animal kingdom,
and they chose the Easter Bunny.
Why didn't they choose something like wild and strong, like...
I don't know, like an African lion,
or a Bengal tiger,
or a Channing Tatum?
And now women are designing vibrators.
And guess what, guys, they're tiny.
Because size doesn't matter.
Accuracy does.
And you would know that if you ever tried
to throw a horseshoe at a vagina...
Which I wouldn't recommend.
And now, women are making them,
and they have such better names.
Like, what would you name your vibrator?
No? No masturbators out there?
Mine would be "Not My Husband."
But they name 'em things like "Viva la Vulva."
French Lover.
Tennis Coach.
Which was oddly specific.
And my favorite was called Mona Lisa.
Yeah. Yeah. I want to see that marketing meeting.
Uh, okay. "Well, what should we call it? Uh...
"Well, it might make her smile."
A little.
They at least could have called it Moan-a-Lisa. Right?
Men just can't target products to women properly.
Like, for instance, let's take porn.
Twenty percent of the women watch porn.
If I made porn, 100% of women would watch it.
Because I would combine porn
with shopping.
Maybe Debbie does Dallas in Prada.
Debbie does Dolce...
And Gabbana.
"Such a slut.
"But does she look good or what?
"Love the shoes."
Yeah, I think the other thing that men did a really bad job of is...
The pharmaceutical companies did a horrible job.
Okay, let's take birth control pills, okay?
It's the only pill on the market
with the days of the week on it.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday... Right?
I'm on the menopause pill now.
Same pack, no days.
And now I need it.
You know? 'Cause I don't wanna take the pill. I leave.
"Did I take the pill? Did I not take the pill?
"Did I take the pill?"
Can you imagine if women created Viagra for men?
Which, by the way, we would never do.
And we put it in a pack with the days of the week.
It would say, "Saturday.
"Next Saturday.
"Next month.
"Maybe next year."
And we just took flow-backs
and threw it at them and said, "Good luck."
Oh, my goodness gracious.
So I... I had to go to my doctor, um,
because I kept forgetting my pills.
And he suggested that I try the menopause patch.
He said it's a little sticker.
You put it on your body.
And you won't notice it.
I won't notice it?
I'm walking around with a sign on me that says,
"Out of order!"
And I complained to him about my stomach.
I said I was getting a little bloated,
and he said, "Felicia, there's nothing wrong with you.
"It's just age."
He said, "It's gonna be really hard to lose the weight.
"You're gonna have to kill yourself.
"I suggest you just learn to love your new body."
I didn't love the old body.
It's gonna be a lot easier to kill myself.
I know you're like, "Oh, my God, she's not fat."
Okay, let me just tell you guys, where I'm from,
if you get to be larger than a size two, you get replaced.
Yeah, I'm from the Upper East Side.
You should see the recycle bins.
Glass, paper, and second wives.
Once, after a show, a woman walked up to me
and she said, "Well, you're not a size two.
"How come your husband didn't leave you?"
Like, "First of all, fuck you."
"Second of all, I married a great guy.
"He would never leave me with half his money."
He suggested that I just eat things that roam the earth
and come out of the ground.
So in my backyard, I planted Snickers.
And then I started taking exercise classes.
I took a SoulCycle class, and I'm like on the bike.
I'm like biking, biking, and like whatever.
And they come over and they start yelling
all these positive affirmations that you like, "Go, Felicia.
"We believe in you. You can do it."
I'm like, "I was not raised that way."
I need them yelling, "You lazy piece of shit!
"You'll never amount to anything.
"You'll never be as good as your brother."
Oh, my God, this is such a great class.
My husband got me an exercise mirror.
Yeah, I didn't talk to him for a month.
Do you know what an exercise mirror is?
Yeah, it's this mirror.
You put it on the wall and you select a routine.
And then there's this wicked bitch inside telling you what to do.
She's like, "Move those hips harder.
"You've gained a lot of weight."
Like, "Mom, is that you?"
I showed my husband. I took that mirror and put it over our bed.
Now it criticizes him.
"Move those hips harder.
"You'll never be as good as your brother."
Let's face it, the only way that mirror
is going to help me lose weight
is if I put it on the coffee table.
So amazing.
So I'm addicted to Ambien.
Anyone? Just me?
I usually have to explain to the young people what Ambien is.
Ambien's what you take when none of your dreams come true.
I hate it when I tell someone I'm addicted to Ambien,
and they say, "Have you tried melatonin?"
That's like saying to a crack addict,
"Have you tried tea?"
I went to a sleep specialist.
She gave me all these things.
She started with telling me that I should not
leave my phone by my bedside.
She said I should leave it in the kitchen.
And I'm like, "How is that gonna help me sleep?
"'Cause now I have to get up, out of bed, walk down the hall to check my DMs."
Then she suggested a weighted blanket.
It's this heavy blanket.
You put it on you and it relieves all your stress and anxiety.
It didn't help me sleep, but I lost ten pounds
dragging it back and forth to the kitchen.
And then, last I tried an Oura Ring.
She suggested that. You guys know what it is?
It's like a Fitbit for your finger.
And you go to sleep, and it measures your heartbeat,
your REM sleep, your deep sleep.
You wake up in the morning and you check an app,
and it says things like,
"It's going to be a difficult day."
I'm like, "Isn't that what this ring tells me?"
I also suffer from depression.
Anyone?
Statistically, some of you are lying.
I read that 70% of the women in United States are on antidepressants.
Yeah, which means 30% are depressed.
I'll let you guys do the math on that one.
Yeah, I have a friend who walked up to me and said, "Felicia,
"you have three beautiful children,
"a loving husband, and two homes.
"You cannot be depressed."
I said to her, "I said I was depressed,
"not beneath you."
It's dark, guys, but you can laugh.
Someone suggested I volunteer,
so I went to a homeless shelter.
And after spending an entire day there,
I have to say I was really depressed.
But I made a difference, because there was
this sad man in the corner, and I walked up to him,
and I was talking to him and I said, "You know,
"you're not depressed because you're homeless.
"Because I'm depressed and I have a house in the Hamptons."
It didn't make him feel better.
So they asked me to leave.
And I decided the next day I would volunteer at a rehab clinic.
I figured I'd have more experience with that.
I could really help someone, and I did.
Because there was this crack addict in the corner,
and I walked up to her and I said,
"Have you tried tea?"
No, but I'm fortunate.
I know I am.
I get unconditional love and support
from my loving and adorable dog.
I have a Cavapoo, which is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel poodle mix.
Do you notice? Like everything's mixing with poodles?
You know, there's like Maltipoos, shittypoos, bernadoodles...
I kind of feel sorry for poodles.
No one wants just them.
They're kinda like white men.
But if you mix them with something...
all of a sudden you have a Barackadoodle,
and everyone wants it.
We had a hard time naming our dog,
so someone suggested that we think of things that we love.
So my kids came up with names
like Sushi, Chip, Yankee.
I chose Cash.
But my husband won the name game.
So I was walking BJ the other day.
And I was in the park,
and I was like, "BJ, BJ, come! Come, BJ. Come."
BJ wouldn't come.
So I renamed her G-spot.
She never came.
We couldn't find her. We just stopped looking for her.
But I do... I do have to thank my husband.
We just celebrated being happily married for 25 years.
Yeah.
It was our 32nd wedding anniversary.
Marriage. Till death do you part.
That's a long time.
I mean, marriage was a good idea when people lived to 30, right?
Who needs divorce when all your marital problems
could be solved by the black plague?
I mean, there was a lot of love in the time of cholera.
This is the one area where I was kind of helpful to the young audience.
I was like the wedding whisperer.
"Don't do it."
But no, I give them advice.
I always say, "Secret to a happy marriage is communication.
"Only through texts or emails.
"So you have proof that you told him."
"Don't go to bed angry."
I tried it. I pulled three all-nighters,
and said fuck it, and took an Ambien.
And, of course, the most important thing... sex. Right, girls?
Yeah. And I know you get tired.
The kids, you all complain.
I love it when a young couple gets divorced
and the first thing they do
is they go to the kids and say, "Mom and Dad are getting divorced,
"but it had nothing to do with you."
Really? Because you guys looked really happy before you had kids.
But sex is important, and I always say to the girls out there,
it only takes five minutes.
And if you're good, three.
It probably takes you longer
to take your makeup off.
And I'm sure your boyfriend,
or husband won't mind if you multitask.
'Cause this is a great position for it.
But I get it. It's hard.
I complain to my husband too, and he gets mad.
I say, "It's not that I'm not interested.
"I'm tired because, like, when we go on vacation, we have a lot of sex."
And he said, "Yeah, but I'd like to have sex with you
"for less than $500 a night."
And I said, "You're looking at this the wrong way.
"You should just be thankful that you could afford it."
But I understand.
So for you,
$250 cash.
And as someone once said to me,
if you want to keep your husband from having an affair,
you should give him a blowjob every morning.
I said he could have the affair.
That is not a good trade.
And I realize that life is about trades.
You know, you might not not be able to have it all,
but you have some of it.
And then together, it's all.
Like, for instance,
I gave up my independence for my marriage.
And that's working out pretty well, all right.
I gave up my career for my kids, and I really do love them.
Even the little one.
And I gave up everything for this.
How's it going?
And I can't wait
till my great-grandkids watch it,
and they go running into their mother and father and go,
"Mom, Dad!
"What does fellatio mean?"
And they're going to look at them and say,
"Oh, I think you mean great-Grandma Felicia.
"She was a great mom who late in life changed her career,
"and inspired the world,
"and didn't take no for an answer,
"and spread laughter
"by using her mouth to spread joy."
And they looked at them and said, "No.
"We meant fellatio."
"Oh. Yeah. We don't remember."
I'm Felicia Madison. Thank you.