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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Can I kvetch?
Can I kvetch a little bit? Is it okay?

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I'm going to start with
how I was introduced on stage the other day.

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The host,
he introduced me like this.

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He said, "And now

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for a little estrogen."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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Can you believe...

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He thought I still had estrogen.

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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Yeah, it's hard.

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It's hard being a woman
in this business.

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It's even harder
being an older woman in this business, right?

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No one is looking

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for Amy Schumer's mother.

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And with
my estrogen levels,

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I'm more likely to be
the next Chuck Schumer.

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But my friends
are so supportive.

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They say things
to me like,

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"Felicia, Phyllis Diller
started when she was 40."

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Like that would
make me feel better...

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if I were 40.

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The other day, I got
off stage and this guy came up to me

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and said, "You know, Felicia,
no one wants to hear

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"from a woman over 50."

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I'm like, "You know what?

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"You're sleeping on
the couch tonight."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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That's my
supportive husband.

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He said, "Don't take this
the wrong way.

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"But I think you've
aged out of telling sex jokes on stage."

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I'm like, "Yeah, you know
what else I aged out of?

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"Our prenup."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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But he's got a point.

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It's hard.
It's hard. Sometimes, like in the audience,

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no one has kids,

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no one's even married.

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The only thing I have
in common with them

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are STDs.

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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Because I have three...

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27, 25, and 21...

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Sexually transmitted

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dependents.

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They're just like STDs.

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They're annoying
and irritating.

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And just when
you think it's going away, it comes back.

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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[AUDIENCE CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

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Oh, yeah,
it's really hard.

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We'll find like a young man
in the audience and look at him

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and be like,

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"I can be your Mrs. Robinson."

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You're laughing. He's like,
"Who's Mrs. Robinson?"

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And fun fact...

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Anne Bancroft was 35
when she filmed that.

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So I could be
Mrs. Robinson's mother.

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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And then I have these,
like, young comedians on stage.

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They're like,
"Oh, my God, my wrinkles.

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"I'm fat... My body...
I'm so old..."

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They're 30.

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And I get on stage
like the Wicked Witch of the West.

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Just you wait,
my pretty. [CACKLES]

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It's gonna get worse.

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And they complain.

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They complain about
things like Plan B.

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"It's so expensive,
my boyfriend won't pay for it."

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You're gonna tell him
to pay for it,

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because he's gonna be
really upset

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when he finds out
how expensive Plan A is.

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I said to one of them...
I said, "You know,

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"you've been
dating your boyfriend for seven years.

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"When are you guys
going to get married?"

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And she said to me, "Felicia,
I make more money than him and I don't want kids.

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"Why would I get married?"

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And I said...

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"I have no idea."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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This generation,
they're not getting married,

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they're not having kids.

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They're leaving
child rearing to the teenagers,

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the Trump supporters
and the Texans.

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Go America.

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God, I'm excited for them,
because they're a little bit more fortunate than I was,

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because that glass ceiling
has finally been shattered

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by all the white men
falling through it.

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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And now they can
have it all.

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They want it all.

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I'm like, "All is a lot."

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I don't want it all.

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My husband doesn't even
have it all.

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I have half.

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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No. But I am excited,
you know, for women to lead,

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and there'll be no more
sex, lies, and corruption in the world.

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Or so I thought.

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It's not going
so well, girls.

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There are a lot
of corrupt women out there, right.

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Already there's like,
let's see... Elizabeth Holmes,

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Ghislaine Maxwell,

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Miss Piggy...

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What?
She's been mean to Kermit for decades.

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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And the first
female president...

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That's gonna happen soon.
Right, girls? Right?

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- You think so?
- WOMAN: Yeah.

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- [AUDIENCE CLAPS]
- Yeah. I'm a little worried about it, though.

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There might be
a little drama.

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I mean, like,
"Madam President,

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"I have
the Secretary of State on the line."

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"I'm not speaking to her."

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"Why?"

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"She knows."

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Yeah, but I decided
with all the naysayers and the critics,

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I decided to do this
anyway, right?

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Mainly because
of my idol, Joan Rivers.

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[AUDIENCE CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

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She's shown me
my career could survive another 20 plastic surgeries.

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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And I'm doing this,
because I want to prove to my kids

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that I could do
something with my life other than ruining theirs.

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So I'm taking this special
and I'm putting it in my will.

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And my kids
aren't gonna get any of my money...

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until all my grandkids
watch it.

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So, grandkids,
this is for you.

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I don't know what device
you're watching this on,

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but I want you to know
it makes Grandma look

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ten pounds heavier.

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So I grew up...

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Anyone grew up in New York?
Any true New Yorkers here?

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- [AUDIENCE WHOOPS, CLAPS]
- Yeah!

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I grew up in the worst,
most embarrassing part of the city.

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New Jersey.

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I was born
Felicia Joy Madison.

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My parents were
very happy to have me.

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My brothers,
not so much.

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And then I got married
and the joy left my life.

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I became
Felicia Madison Levy,

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which sounds like
a feminist Jewish law firm.

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So I go
by Felicia Madison.

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I never liked
my first name. I hated it.

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I was teased
in middle school.

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They called me this name,
I didn't know what it was.

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It was "fellatio."

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So one day I went to my dad
and I said, "Dad, what does fellatio mean?"

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And he looked at me
and said, "You know... You know...

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"You know what?
I don't remember."

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So then I went to my mom
and I asked my mom,

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"Mom, what does
fellatio mean?"

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And she sat me down
and she said, "Felicia,

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"fellatio is when a woman
pleasures a man

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"by putting her mouth
on his penis."

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"That's terrible."

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She said,
"Because they're teasing you?"

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I said, "No,
because Dad has no idea."

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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So luckily,
I graduated from that to, "Bye, Felicia."

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Did you guys know
what "Bye, Felicia" means? Anyone?

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No? Yeah.
It means a random bitch that no one's sad to see go.

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FML.

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Those are my initials.

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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I grew up.
I was the poorest girl in my neighborhood,

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and I hated it.

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I know it's
hard to believe now, but it was.

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I was.
And I complained all the time to my mom.

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And she said to me,
"Felicia, with money comes problems."

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And I said,
"Bring them on. Show me the problems."

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So I studied hard.

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I went to an Ivy League school
and I succeeded the old fashioned way.

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- [AUDIENCE WHOOPS, CLAPS]
- Yeah.

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I married my boss.

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I didn't marry my boss.

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He wouldn't leave his wife.

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Don't judge.

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There was
no sexual harassment back then.

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It was a weekly review.

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And I'm an overachiever.

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But thanks to this
Me Too movement,

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they're clamping down
on office romance.

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And now you young girls

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are never gonna find a husband.

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Yeah, I did.
I got married.

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It was hard work.

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Yeah.

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It took my husband
three years to propose to me.

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Three years I had to be

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on my best behavior.

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I was cooking, cleaning,

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swallowing...

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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I'm kidding.

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I don't clean.

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I became a mom.

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Someone told me
it would make me happy.

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Oh!

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They told me it was
the best job in the world.

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I'm like if it was
the best job in the world,

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a man would have it.

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Best job?
I work 24/7,

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no vacation, no pay.

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My employees
complain all the time.

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00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:06,356
"You suck! I hate you!
You're the worst."

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00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:08,108
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:11,695
And my coworker
sexually harasses me every day.

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00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:13,155
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

212
00:10:19,745 --> 00:10:21,079
Best job in the world.

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00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:23,248
Do you know that
one in nine women

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suffer from postpartum
depression?

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00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,211
Yeah, one in nine.

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00:10:27,336 --> 00:10:29,671
But the good news is
the government's gotten involved,

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and they created
paternity leave.

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00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:34,092
Yeah, they're sending
the men home to help.

219
00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:38,722
So now nine on nine women
have postpartum depression.

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00:10:42,518 --> 00:10:45,062
Yeah, I was lucky
I had my mom.

221
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She was so helpful.

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00:10:46,897 --> 00:10:49,149
Oh, my God,
she would come over and give me the best advice.

223
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She would say,
"Felicia, you're so hard on them.

224
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"They're just kids.

225
00:10:52,903 --> 00:10:55,656
"Relax. Let them be."

226
00:10:55,781 --> 00:10:58,033
Where was she
when I was growing up?

227
00:11:00,285 --> 00:11:04,373
She's always saying to me,
"It's so much harder raising kids now."

228
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:08,126
I'm like, "Yeah,
that generation was so laid-back,

229
00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:11,463
"they needed
to be reminded to look for us."

230
00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:15,092
It's 10:00 p.m.
Do you know where your children are?

231
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,516
I know where my kid is
every second of the day.

232
00:11:22,641 --> 00:11:24,601
Okay?
I have an app for it.

233
00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:26,937
She's making a left
on 97th and 5th.

234
00:11:27,062 --> 00:11:28,480
They're in a Uber
right now.

235
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,441
And disciplining?

236
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:34,444
All she had to say was,
"Wait until your dad gets home."

237
00:11:34,570 --> 00:11:35,863
And we listened, right?

238
00:11:35,988 --> 00:11:37,656
You listened.
Because why?

239
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:40,534
Because they could
hit us, yell at us, right.

240
00:11:40,659 --> 00:11:42,160
We can't do that
anymore.

241
00:11:42,286 --> 00:11:44,997
All I can say is,
"Wait till Dad gets home.

242
00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:46,206
"I'm sending him in
for another

243
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:47,749
"long, boring talk."

244
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:49,334
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

245
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:55,674
And my son,
he looks at me and he goes, "Mom, please just hit me."

246
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:58,177
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

247
00:11:58,302 --> 00:12:02,264
My dad would yell at me
if I left the lights on in the house.

248
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:05,434
Like, "What, do you own
stock in the electric company?"

249
00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:10,272
I can't do that,
because my kids do.

250
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,815
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

251
00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:16,612
And what about this?

252
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:18,113
You know,
when they grounded us,

253
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,448
"Go to your room
and don't come out

254
00:12:19,573 --> 00:12:21,658
"till you're ready
to apologize."

255
00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:24,369
My kids would
never come out.

256
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:29,666
I always came out right away,
because I left my phone in the kitchen,

257
00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:31,376
attached to the wall.

258
00:12:34,505 --> 00:12:36,298
So I have three kids.

259
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,675
My oldest one is stubborn,
like my husband.

260
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,553
My middle one's gorgeous,
like my trainer. And my...

261
00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:51,230
And my third one, finally,
one that looks like me,

262
00:12:51,355 --> 00:12:52,397
acts like me,

263
00:12:52,523 --> 00:12:53,857
and I can't stand her.

264
00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:59,196
But my oldest one.
When she was 16,

265
00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:00,906
she was diagnosed
with a learning disorder

266
00:13:01,031 --> 00:13:04,326
that made it
very difficult for her to express her feelings.

267
00:13:05,369 --> 00:13:07,037
So we decided
not to treat her.

268
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:08,497
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

269
00:13:13,252 --> 00:13:14,962
She's my favorite.

270
00:13:16,922 --> 00:13:18,006
And everyone
has favorites.

271
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,758
You have a favorite, right?

272
00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:21,552
You a favorite?
Oh, come on.

273
00:13:21,677 --> 00:13:23,929
Everyone's mom...
Every mom has a favorite.

274
00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:26,473
You don't think
Jeffrey Dahmer's mom didn't have a favorite?

275
00:13:27,683 --> 00:13:29,560
News flash,
it wasn't Jeffrey.

276
00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:33,939
Yeah. So she's got
extra time in school.

277
00:13:34,064 --> 00:13:35,440
That's where you
can take a test

278
00:13:35,566 --> 00:13:38,610
over multiple hours or days,
or even take it home.

279
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:39,862
And you're eligible
for this

280
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:42,155
if you have
ADHD, dyslexia,

281
00:13:42,281 --> 00:13:43,407
or rich parents.

282
00:13:43,532 --> 00:13:45,158
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

283
00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:50,664
It's a good system,
but I'm a little worried

284
00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:54,084
how these kids
are going to adapt in the real world.

285
00:13:54,209 --> 00:13:56,170
I don't want to go
for my colonoscopy

286
00:13:56,295 --> 00:13:57,588
and have the doctor say
to me,

287
00:13:57,713 --> 00:13:59,923
"Usually this takes a half hour.

288
00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:04,178
"But I get extra time.

289
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,057
"So see you tomorrow."

290
00:14:12,561 --> 00:14:15,772
My son's amazing...
until I sent him to college.

291
00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:18,775
It was very stressful
sending a boy out into the world

292
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:20,360
without a fully
developed brain.

293
00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:22,404
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

294
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:26,992
When he went to college,
he started texting me pictures of all his ailments.

295
00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:31,455
It would be like his bruises,
his ingrown nail, his rashes.

296
00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:35,083
And one day he sent me
a picture of his bloody snot and asked,

297
00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:36,293
"Is this normal?"

298
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:41,924
I'm like, "The blood,
or the fact that you're sending it to me?"

299
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:43,258
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

300
00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:48,180
Honestly,
I was just thankful he didn't get an STD,

301
00:14:48,305 --> 00:14:50,849
because I did not want
my first dick pic to be from my son.

302
00:14:50,974 --> 00:14:52,351
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

303
00:14:56,230 --> 00:14:57,189
But he's a good kid.

304
00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:58,357
He's really great,
you know.

305
00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:00,150
He calls me once a week,

306
00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:02,486
right after I change
the Netflix password.

307
00:15:02,611 --> 00:15:03,820
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

308
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:10,160
So I had a girl,
then a boy, then a third girl.

309
00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:12,329
And everyone
always asks me if she was a mistake.

310
00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:14,206
And I say,
"Not at the time."

311
00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:20,671
She was a terror
when she was a teenager.

312
00:15:20,796 --> 00:15:24,550
They have this
"terrible twos," "sweet 16" all mixed up.

313
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:27,845
It should be "adorable twos"

314
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:30,889
and "get the fuck
out of my house 16."

315
00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:34,518
I thought she was
drinking the liquor.

316
00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:36,854
So I came up with this plan,
I started marking

317
00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:39,439
all the bottles of alcohol
to the fill line.

318
00:15:39,565 --> 00:15:40,566
And I did this
for a month.

319
00:15:40,691 --> 00:15:41,984
And you know
what I found out?

320
00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:44,236
I'm an alcoholic.

321
00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:45,362
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

322
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,031
But can you
blame me?

323
00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:49,533
I mean,
can you blame me?

324
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:52,452
She's so moody.

325
00:15:52,578 --> 00:15:55,497
I need like a weather app
to predict her moods.

326
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:59,334
You know? "Today,
partly whiny with a chance of bitch."

327
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,337
"Sunny skies.

328
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:04,631
"She wants money, guys."

329
00:16:04,756 --> 00:16:06,758
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

330
00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,844
Or maybe it's
more like Waze.

331
00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:12,931
You know, like,
"Watch out, PMS ahead.

332
00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:15,517
"Rerouting,
boyfriend breakup."

333
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:18,770
"Hazard,
horny husband."

334
00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:22,316
Works for him too.

335
00:16:24,610 --> 00:16:26,320
Yeah,
she complains to me all the time.

336
00:16:26,445 --> 00:16:28,071
The other day
she came home and she said,

337
00:16:28,197 --> 00:16:30,199
"Oh, my God, my hair,
it's frizzy and needs highlights.

338
00:16:30,324 --> 00:16:31,450
"I want a nose job."

339
00:16:33,911 --> 00:16:36,872
"Listen.
What is wrong with you?"

340
00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:38,749
And she said to me,

341
00:16:38,874 --> 00:16:41,793
"I'm just trying to get rid
of all my unattractive Jewish traits."

342
00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:44,755
But then
I thought about it.

343
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:45,964
I was like, "Okay.

344
00:16:46,882 --> 00:16:49,134
"Let's start with complaining."

345
00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:54,973
And she had the nerve
to say to me one day,

346
00:16:55,098 --> 00:16:58,560
"When did your style
become so matronly?"

347
00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:05,025
"Like, the minute you came out
of my body and ruined it. Obviously."

348
00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:11,490
But luckily, she gets along
really well with her sister.

349
00:17:11,615 --> 00:17:12,741
They're so cute together.

350
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:14,743
They're great friends.

351
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:18,789
And they're really adorable
until they go to take an Instagram picture

352
00:17:18,914 --> 00:17:20,874
and become total sluts.

353
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:25,504
I'm like, "Girls!
Girls, What are you doing?

354
00:17:25,629 --> 00:17:27,047
"And can you teach me?"

355
00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:28,257
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

356
00:17:29,383 --> 00:17:31,134
So they told me
to make a smize.

357
00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:32,553
Does anyone know
what a smize is?

358
00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:34,012
Anyone?
You know what a smize is?

359
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:36,098
No? I didn't...
I didn't know it either.

360
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:38,225
It's when you smile
with your eyebrows,

361
00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:40,978
like raise your eyebrows
and I said to them, "You see this?

362
00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:44,356
"It doesn't move anymore."

363
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:47,025
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

364
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:50,028
So they said, "Okay,
try a duck face, Mom." And I went like...

365
00:17:50,946 --> 00:17:52,656
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

366
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,702
She's like,
"No, no, no, no, Mom.

367
00:17:56,827 --> 00:17:59,162
"Just look down
and lightly suck."

368
00:17:59,288 --> 00:18:01,957
And I'm like,
"Ooh, I don't do that anymore either."

369
00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:03,250
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

370
00:18:04,793 --> 00:18:06,170
But you know what
a really fun thing

371
00:18:06,295 --> 00:18:08,547
to do with
a teenage girl is?

372
00:18:08,672 --> 00:18:11,175
It's amazing.
A great bonding experience.

373
00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:12,467
College tours.

374
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:16,388
Yeah, I took her
across the country.

375
00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:19,975
Oh, my God,
like the hair pulling, the crying, the whining,

376
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,602
and she wasn't
happy, either.

377
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:24,938
The only one
that was happy was my husband.

378
00:18:25,063 --> 00:18:26,231
He was there
with his map.

379
00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:28,150
Yeah, a paper one.
Even I was embarrassed.

380
00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:30,694
And he was searching

381
00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:33,947
for the frat houses,
the football stadiums, and his lost youth.

382
00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:38,911
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

383
00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:43,373
Someone else has
a husband with a lost youth. [CHUCKLES]

384
00:18:43,498 --> 00:18:44,833
And it always is the same
where you all,

385
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:47,628
like pile into an auditorium
with all these other

386
00:18:47,753 --> 00:18:50,839
miserable parents
and their STDs.

387
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:53,800
And there's someone
trying to convince you to send your child

388
00:18:53,926 --> 00:18:56,595
to this elite,
idyllic, pristine,

389
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,889
beautiful
Ivy League school.

390
00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:02,017
You don't have to pitch me.
Like, why are you pitching me?

391
00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:04,228
This isn't Scientology.

392
00:19:04,353 --> 00:19:05,938
You had me at hello.

393
00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:09,816
It's like me bumping into
Bradley Cooper on the street

394
00:19:09,942 --> 00:19:13,028
and him trying to convince me
to go on a date with him.

395
00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:15,155
I'm like,
you had me at shallow.

396
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:16,532
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

397
00:19:18,075 --> 00:19:19,409
And then you
go on the tour.

398
00:19:19,535 --> 00:19:22,371
The tour guide always has
this huge jug of water.

399
00:19:24,081 --> 00:19:26,959
How long is this tour?

400
00:19:27,084 --> 00:19:28,460
I mean, seriously?

401
00:19:28,585 --> 00:19:31,421
The Jews had less water
in the desert for 40 years.

402
00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:34,925
I mean,
I never walked around

403
00:19:35,050 --> 00:19:37,177
with a bottle of water
growing up. Did you?

404
00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:38,554
Did you? No.

405
00:19:38,679 --> 00:19:40,722
When you were thirsty,
what did you do?

406
00:19:40,848 --> 00:19:43,308
- WOMAN: Water fountain.
- Water fountain, exactly.

407
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:45,310
We'd find a water fountain,

408
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,563
and we lean over
and get our tongue a little wet.

409
00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:53,402
And we were fine all day.

410
00:19:53,527 --> 00:19:54,862
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

411
00:19:56,655 --> 00:20:00,868
Which made me realize
that this generation is just over hydrated.

412
00:20:00,993 --> 00:20:02,327
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

413
00:20:04,538 --> 00:20:06,456
Which may be
why they're so fluid.

414
00:20:06,582 --> 00:20:07,833
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

415
00:20:10,752 --> 00:20:12,337
Then I get to
the security portion

416
00:20:12,462 --> 00:20:14,756
and the security person
says, "Okay,

417
00:20:14,882 --> 00:20:17,134
"if your child's nervous
to walk home alone at night,

418
00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:18,760
"we have a number
for her to call.

419
00:20:18,886 --> 00:20:20,554
"And we'll arrange to
have her walked home

420
00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:22,431
"by a football player."

421
00:20:27,477 --> 00:20:30,105
Isn't that what
I was worried about?

422
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:33,859
"Don't worry.
We send two football players."

423
00:20:33,984 --> 00:20:35,819
Oh, my God.
Can I have the number?

424
00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:38,197
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

425
00:20:38,322 --> 00:20:39,990
Luckily, we got her
into school.

426
00:20:40,115 --> 00:20:41,658
She was so excited.

427
00:20:41,783 --> 00:20:44,328
She just wanted to get
as far away from us as possible.

428
00:20:44,453 --> 00:20:45,954
She had one requirement,
she said,

429
00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:47,956
"I want to go
out of the country."

430
00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:50,334
So we sent her to Texas.

431
00:20:50,459 --> 00:20:51,543
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

432
00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:56,757
And it's a big difference
between moving a girl to school

433
00:20:56,882 --> 00:20:58,717
and a boy to school.

434
00:20:58,842 --> 00:20:59,843
Does anyone
have girls and boys?

435
00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:00,928
They experience this?

436
00:21:01,053 --> 00:21:02,554
- Yeah? Do you agree?
- MAN: Yes.

437
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:04,139
Everyone agree? Yeah.

438
00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:07,601
Okay.
This is what my daughter brought to school. Okay?

439
00:21:07,726 --> 00:21:10,479
Three bags of clothes,
two bags of shoes, one bag of makeup,

440
00:21:10,604 --> 00:21:14,233
an area rug, a throw rug,
a dust ruffle, a duvet, two sets of seats, pillow,

441
00:21:14,358 --> 00:21:16,818
decorative pillows, shams,
more decorative pillows,

442
00:21:16,944 --> 00:21:18,820
lights, twinkle lights,
neon lights,

443
00:21:18,946 --> 00:21:21,782
a vanity mirror,
a regular mirror, a decorative mirror,

444
00:21:21,907 --> 00:21:23,575
four sets of prints,
two photo boards.

445
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,285
None of me.

446
00:21:25,410 --> 00:21:29,581
One vision board,
a shoe rack, a clothes rack, her rack,

447
00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:34,628
an air fryer, a toaster,
and an espresso maker.

448
00:21:35,963 --> 00:21:37,756
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

449
00:21:42,761 --> 00:21:45,222
And my son
brought his iPhone...

450
00:21:48,100 --> 00:21:49,685
and forgot his charger.

451
00:21:49,810 --> 00:21:51,645
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

452
00:21:59,444 --> 00:22:01,613
They also advise kids
these days

453
00:22:01,738 --> 00:22:04,241
not to have sex
when they're drunk.

454
00:22:06,702 --> 00:22:08,120
I don't know about you,
but I can't imagine

455
00:22:08,245 --> 00:22:11,164
being in college
and having sex when I wasn't drunk,

456
00:22:14,418 --> 00:22:15,836
I can't even
imagine it now.

457
00:22:15,961 --> 00:22:18,338
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

458
00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:20,757
Anyway, someone said
if my son happened to take a girl out

459
00:22:20,883 --> 00:22:22,759
and they were drinking,

460
00:22:22,885 --> 00:22:25,929
that he should take her out
for coffee the next day to protect himself.

461
00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:28,015
Yeah, yeah.

462
00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:31,602
So we dropped him off at college
with a box of condoms and a Starbucks card.

463
00:22:33,312 --> 00:22:36,607
And we dropped our daughter off
with an espresso maker.

464
00:22:36,732 --> 00:22:38,358
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

465
00:22:39,651 --> 00:22:41,737
So I became
an empty nester.

466
00:22:41,862 --> 00:22:43,614
- Thank you.
- [CHEERING]

467
00:22:43,739 --> 00:22:47,159
I started a podcast
with my friend called Empty Nesters Podcast.

468
00:22:47,284 --> 00:22:48,744
- It was designed
to help women. - [AUDIENCE CLAPS]

469
00:22:48,869 --> 00:22:51,455
Yeah. It was designed
to help women like

470
00:22:51,580 --> 00:22:53,957
adapt to this new phase
in their life.

471
00:22:54,082 --> 00:22:57,294
And it was a complete failure,
because everyone was completely happy.

472
00:22:57,419 --> 00:22:59,046
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

473
00:23:00,672 --> 00:23:02,424
I was very happy

474
00:23:02,549 --> 00:23:05,636
until I got an email
a week later from the school

475
00:23:05,761 --> 00:23:07,971
saying there was
visiting weekend in two weeks.

476
00:23:09,598 --> 00:23:12,601
I said to him,
"She just left.

477
00:23:12,726 --> 00:23:16,438
"She's fine.
I'm fine. We're fine."

478
00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:19,858
But of course we went,
and I went to go speak to the teacher.

479
00:23:19,983 --> 00:23:24,655
And the teacher said to me,
"Oh, I cannot talk to you about your daughter."

480
00:23:24,780 --> 00:23:26,490
I was like, "Why?"

481
00:23:26,615 --> 00:23:29,743
She said, "They're fur pelage.
Your daughter is an adult now."

482
00:23:30,536 --> 00:23:31,703
I'm like, "Oh.

483
00:23:32,496 --> 00:23:33,664
"Can you tell her that?"

484
00:23:33,789 --> 00:23:34,873
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

485
00:23:38,794 --> 00:23:41,713
And while you're at it,
send her the bills.

486
00:23:44,049 --> 00:23:45,676
And why am I here?

487
00:23:46,927 --> 00:23:48,303
So I went home.

488
00:23:48,428 --> 00:23:52,015
A month later, I get a call
from my adult.

489
00:23:53,058 --> 00:23:54,309
I always know
when she's calling,

490
00:23:54,434 --> 00:23:56,270
because I get a text first
from the bank.

491
00:24:00,148 --> 00:24:01,692
She said,
"Mom, I'm in trouble.

492
00:24:01,817 --> 00:24:03,569
"I went to
a fraternity date night.

493
00:24:03,694 --> 00:24:07,239
"I got busted
for underage drinking, and I have to go to court."

494
00:24:07,948 --> 00:24:09,283
I went, "Oh, my God.

495
00:24:10,075 --> 00:24:11,243
"You had a date?"

496
00:24:14,246 --> 00:24:16,331
She's like, "Oh, Mom,
we're just friends."

497
00:24:16,456 --> 00:24:18,709
And I'm like,
"Oh, better luck in court."

498
00:24:18,834 --> 00:24:20,419
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

499
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:24,298
And she's like,
"You gotta help me."

500
00:24:24,423 --> 00:24:27,801
So she got what is
called an MIP.

501
00:24:27,926 --> 00:24:29,219
Does anyone know
what that is?

502
00:24:29,344 --> 00:24:30,721
What is it?
Who said it?

503
00:24:30,846 --> 00:24:32,264
- WOMAN: Minor in possession.
- Minor in possession.

504
00:24:32,389 --> 00:24:34,683
I didn't know that. It's a...
It's a minor possession.

505
00:24:34,808 --> 00:24:36,268
Of alcohol, not my money.

506
00:24:38,478 --> 00:24:40,480
And so I said,
"Oh, sweetie, no problem.

507
00:24:40,606 --> 00:24:41,982
"Just call them up.

508
00:24:42,107 --> 00:24:44,151
"You're not a minor.
Tell them you're an adult now."

509
00:24:48,155 --> 00:24:51,158
So, yeah, my kids spend
different amounts of money.

510
00:24:51,283 --> 00:24:54,870
Like, my son spends
a lot less than my daughters, and it's not their fault,

511
00:24:54,995 --> 00:24:57,664
because they have to buy
more expensive things.

512
00:24:57,789 --> 00:24:59,333
They do.
I actually know what my kids

513
00:24:59,458 --> 00:25:02,920
spend their money on,
because I snoop on their Venmo.

514
00:25:03,045 --> 00:25:04,755
Is anyone else... Creepy?

515
00:25:06,715 --> 00:25:10,344
At my son's Venmo,
the emojis are like cheap things

516
00:25:10,469 --> 00:25:13,889
like taco, beer,
Subway...

517
00:25:14,014 --> 00:25:16,934
And my daughters'
are like sushi, wine,

518
00:25:17,059 --> 00:25:18,310
and eggplants.

519
00:25:18,435 --> 00:25:19,895
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

520
00:25:23,106 --> 00:25:24,733
They're organic,
they're expensive,

521
00:25:24,858 --> 00:25:26,985
and she gets
them washed too.

522
00:25:28,904 --> 00:25:30,364
I came up with
this really good plan.

523
00:25:30,489 --> 00:25:33,450
I go to my husband's Venmo
and I Venmo myself a dollar

524
00:25:33,575 --> 00:25:37,955
and I put emojis like vacation,
diamond, eggplant, trainer.

525
00:25:39,581 --> 00:25:41,959
My friends are so jealous.

526
00:25:43,669 --> 00:25:48,006
But my kids
have no value of money, and it's not their fault.

527
00:25:48,131 --> 00:25:50,092
It's because they never
actually touched it.

528
00:25:52,261 --> 00:25:54,471
Yeah. They think
money grows on apps.

529
00:25:56,223 --> 00:25:58,851
And I gave them
a credit card for emergency

530
00:25:58,976 --> 00:26:01,144
and family-related
things only.

531
00:26:01,270 --> 00:26:03,814
And I had to
call up my daughter and say, "Excuse me,

532
00:26:03,939 --> 00:26:06,525
"What was your emergency
in Sephora?"

533
00:26:09,111 --> 00:26:11,572
"Oh, my God, Mom,
it was Better Than Sex."

534
00:26:13,198 --> 00:26:14,241
What?

535
00:26:14,366 --> 00:26:15,742
Who knows what
Better Than Sex is?

536
00:26:15,868 --> 00:26:17,494
Anyone? Yeah.

537
00:26:17,619 --> 00:26:18,745
What is it?

538
00:26:18,871 --> 00:26:20,873
- WOMAN: A mascara.
- A mascara exactly.

539
00:26:20,998 --> 00:26:23,458
I was really mad
at this company,

540
00:26:23,584 --> 00:26:26,920
that they're targeting
this product to young girls.

541
00:26:27,045 --> 00:26:28,589
I mean,
they're not targeting me,

542
00:26:28,714 --> 00:26:30,674
because if they were,
it'd be called Better Than Sleep.

543
00:26:30,799 --> 00:26:32,176
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

544
00:26:34,595 --> 00:26:37,055
Okay. These girls
are too young to have their dreams shattered.

545
00:26:37,181 --> 00:26:38,473
Right?

546
00:26:38,599 --> 00:26:40,475
So I asked her,
"Is it still on sale?"

547
00:26:41,810 --> 00:26:43,478
I bought a dozen.
I tried it.

548
00:26:43,604 --> 00:26:46,899
And I have to tell you,
like, no gloppy mess.

549
00:26:47,024 --> 00:26:49,443
You know,
it lasted a long time.

550
00:26:49,568 --> 00:26:51,570
You could do it
multiple times in a day.

551
00:26:53,572 --> 00:26:55,574
It is better than sex.

552
00:26:57,868 --> 00:26:59,119
And then I called
my other daughter,

553
00:26:59,244 --> 00:27:01,496
and I said,
"You know, I think it's time

554
00:27:01,622 --> 00:27:04,541
"that you pay for
your own therapist."

555
00:27:04,666 --> 00:27:05,792
And she said,
"Oh, no, Mom.

556
00:27:05,918 --> 00:27:08,003
"That's definitely
family-related."

557
00:27:11,632 --> 00:27:13,050
That's my single daughter.

558
00:27:13,175 --> 00:27:15,219
Any single guys
out there?

559
00:27:15,344 --> 00:27:16,428
- No? One...
- [MAN CLAPS]

560
00:27:16,553 --> 00:27:18,555
One... One...

561
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:19,890
One brave soul.

562
00:27:20,015 --> 00:27:21,391
Okay. How tall are you?

563
00:27:21,517 --> 00:27:22,809
MAN: 5'10".

564
00:27:22,935 --> 00:27:25,604
5'10"?
Okay, that's borderline.

565
00:27:28,106 --> 00:27:29,441
How much do you make?

566
00:27:29,566 --> 00:27:31,068
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

567
00:27:34,238 --> 00:27:36,490
She's on the dating apps.

568
00:27:36,615 --> 00:27:39,952
I suggested eBay,
but whatever.

569
00:27:40,077 --> 00:27:41,954
I mean, they know how
to sell things, right?

570
00:27:43,205 --> 00:27:44,998
Yeah, she's on Bumble.

571
00:27:45,123 --> 00:27:47,459
That's the one where
she gets to pick the guy.

572
00:27:48,418 --> 00:27:49,920
She can't pick a melon.

573
00:27:51,964 --> 00:27:53,590
How is she gonna
pick a guy?

574
00:27:53,715 --> 00:27:55,592
And she complains
about them to me.

575
00:27:55,717 --> 00:27:58,387
And I have to explain to her,
you have no idea what I had to go through.

576
00:27:58,512 --> 00:28:01,431
We didn't have apps.
We had to go on blind dates

577
00:28:01,557 --> 00:28:04,226
where I had some
random guy come to my house,

578
00:28:04,351 --> 00:28:05,602
and he would
knock on my door.

579
00:28:05,727 --> 00:28:07,145
And I always had to leave
two pair of shoes,

580
00:28:07,271 --> 00:28:09,106
a pair of flats and
a pair of high heels,

581
00:28:09,231 --> 00:28:11,024
because I had no idea
how tall he was.

582
00:28:12,776 --> 00:28:15,946
I mean, he was Jewish,
so I kind of knew how tall he was.

583
00:28:16,738 --> 00:28:19,116
But I was hopeful.
[LAUGHS]

584
00:28:19,241 --> 00:28:21,869
And you know how many times
I opened the door and wished I could have...

585
00:28:32,588 --> 00:28:34,173
She complains.
I think it's fun.

586
00:28:34,298 --> 00:28:35,799
Swipe, swipe, swipe,
swipe, swipe.

587
00:28:35,924 --> 00:28:37,843
And I got to get on
the app with her.

588
00:28:37,968 --> 00:28:39,636
I know, creepy.

589
00:28:39,761 --> 00:28:42,639
But she accidentally
spent 2,000 of my dollars, so she owed me.

590
00:28:44,141 --> 00:28:46,059
And we're swiping,
swiping, swiping.

591
00:28:46,185 --> 00:28:50,522
And we're on this one,
for every five swipes, you have to pay $5.

592
00:28:50,647 --> 00:28:51,732
It was the Jewish one.

593
00:28:53,775 --> 00:28:57,487
And $500 later,
she's still looking for a tall guy,

594
00:28:57,613 --> 00:29:00,657
and I'm looking into
how to get my money back.

595
00:29:00,782 --> 00:29:02,284
And then finally I see
this tall, cute guy.

596
00:29:02,409 --> 00:29:04,411
I'm like, "Wait, wait.
What's wrong with that guy?"

597
00:29:04,536 --> 00:29:08,165
And she said, "I don't like
the shape of his face."

598
00:29:10,083 --> 00:29:13,212
I'm like, "That face
went to Harvard...

599
00:29:14,546 --> 00:29:16,965
as a hedge fund
manager."

600
00:29:18,509 --> 00:29:21,553
And she said,
"Mom, you're so shallow."

601
00:29:23,347 --> 00:29:24,806
I'm like, "Me?

602
00:29:24,932 --> 00:29:27,142
"Me... You don't like him
for the shape of his face."

603
00:29:27,267 --> 00:29:28,560
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

604
00:29:31,021 --> 00:29:32,481
"I'm practical.

605
00:29:32,606 --> 00:29:35,442
"Like, with money,
maybe he could change his face."

606
00:29:38,946 --> 00:29:40,739
They don't know
what they're doing.

607
00:29:40,864 --> 00:29:44,243
I decided that I'm gonna
create an app for her, and for all you girls.

608
00:29:44,368 --> 00:29:46,328
Okay? No pictures.

609
00:29:46,453 --> 00:29:48,622
They're all
fat and bald in the end. It doesn't matter.

610
00:29:51,291 --> 00:29:52,835
It's gonna list
three things.

611
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:55,420
His income, his height,
and his real height.

612
00:29:55,546 --> 00:29:56,964
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

613
00:29:58,215 --> 00:29:59,883
And I'm gonna put
reviews on them.

614
00:30:00,008 --> 00:30:02,553
Why are there no reviews
on dating apps?

615
00:30:02,678 --> 00:30:05,264
Right?
We review everything.

616
00:30:05,389 --> 00:30:08,267
Our doctors,
our restaurants, our Uber drivers.

617
00:30:08,392 --> 00:30:12,187
Why not our guys?
We gotta warn people out there.

618
00:30:12,312 --> 00:30:14,398
So this is how
it's gonna work. Okay?

619
00:30:14,523 --> 00:30:17,276
It's going to be like
when you buy an item of clothing online

620
00:30:17,401 --> 00:30:18,694
and you have to
return it.

621
00:30:18,819 --> 00:30:20,028
What do you have to do?

622
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:23,156
You have to give
a reason, right?

623
00:30:23,282 --> 00:30:26,118
Okay.
So I'm returning this boy to the dating pool.

624
00:30:27,327 --> 00:30:28,328
Reason:

625
00:30:29,329 --> 00:30:31,373
"Not as described
or pictured."

626
00:30:31,498 --> 00:30:32,833
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

627
00:30:34,126 --> 00:30:36,253
Reason: "Too small."

628
00:30:38,505 --> 00:30:40,841
"Did not come on time."

629
00:30:43,427 --> 00:30:46,138
"Arrived damaged."

630
00:30:49,933 --> 00:30:52,019
Someone once
said to me after...

631
00:30:52,144 --> 00:30:54,563
- [AUDIENCE CLAPS, CHEERS]
- Thank you.

632
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:58,442
After the show,
someone said,

633
00:30:58,567 --> 00:31:01,236
"Ah, men reviews."
And I was like, "Oh, my God, that's what I'm gonna call it.

634
00:31:01,361 --> 00:31:02,404
"Amen."

635
00:31:03,655 --> 00:31:04,990
No B's, C's, or D's.

636
00:31:05,115 --> 00:31:07,075
And if you're lucky,
y'all get an "F."

637
00:31:08,452 --> 00:31:09,828
She's still single.

638
00:31:11,330 --> 00:31:12,789
And I said to her,
"Listen..."

639
00:31:12,915 --> 00:31:15,292
I said, "You know,
you just really need

640
00:31:15,417 --> 00:31:19,755
"to learn to love yourself
before you can love anyone else."

641
00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:22,132
So I decided to
buy her a vibrator.

642
00:31:24,635 --> 00:31:27,554
And, boy, oh, boy,
have vibrators changed.

643
00:31:27,679 --> 00:31:30,182
Okay, when I bought
my first vibrator,

644
00:31:30,307 --> 00:31:31,391
there was, like one kind,

645
00:31:31,517 --> 00:31:33,310
and it was
designed by men.

646
00:31:33,435 --> 00:31:35,646
So it was very large
and looked like a penis,

647
00:31:35,771 --> 00:31:37,773
'cause that's what
they thought we liked.

648
00:31:40,108 --> 00:31:42,653
And you unscrew it
and two double D's fall out,

649
00:31:42,778 --> 00:31:44,363
because that's
what they like.

650
00:31:48,700 --> 00:31:50,077
I guess it was
a little intimidating,

651
00:31:50,202 --> 00:31:52,829
so they decided to
put bunny ears on it,

652
00:31:52,955 --> 00:31:54,331
and they called it
a rabbit.

653
00:31:55,916 --> 00:31:57,709
A rabbit.

654
00:31:57,835 --> 00:32:01,255
They have any animal
to choose from in the animal kingdom,

655
00:32:01,380 --> 00:32:03,173
and they chose
the Easter Bunny.

656
00:32:05,467 --> 00:32:09,388
Why didn't they choose
something like wild and strong, like...

657
00:32:09,513 --> 00:32:11,014
I don't know,
like an African lion,

658
00:32:11,139 --> 00:32:12,224
or a Bengal tiger,

659
00:32:12,349 --> 00:32:13,642
or a Channing Tatum?

660
00:32:17,271 --> 00:32:20,148
And now women are
designing vibrators.

661
00:32:20,274 --> 00:32:23,402
And guess what,
guys, they're tiny.

662
00:32:24,695 --> 00:32:27,030
Because size
doesn't matter.

663
00:32:27,823 --> 00:32:30,450
Accuracy does.

664
00:32:30,576 --> 00:32:32,369
And you would know that
if you ever tried

665
00:32:32,494 --> 00:32:34,621
to throw a horseshoe
at a vagina...

666
00:32:36,999 --> 00:32:38,458
Which I wouldn't
recommend.

667
00:32:40,419 --> 00:32:41,837
And now,
women are making them,

668
00:32:41,962 --> 00:32:43,130
and they have
such better names.

669
00:32:43,255 --> 00:32:45,174
Like, what would you
name your vibrator?

670
00:32:45,799 --> 00:32:47,217
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

671
00:32:50,846 --> 00:32:52,556
No? No masturbators
out there?

672
00:32:53,724 --> 00:32:56,435
Mine would be
"Not My Husband."

673
00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:59,188
But they name 'em
things like "Viva la Vulva."

674
00:33:00,230 --> 00:33:01,565
French Lover.

675
00:33:02,399 --> 00:33:03,734
Tennis Coach.

676
00:33:05,986 --> 00:33:07,654
Which was oddly specific.

677
00:33:08,864 --> 00:33:11,074
And my favorite was
called Mona Lisa.

678
00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:13,202
Yeah. Yeah. I want to see
that marketing meeting.

679
00:33:13,327 --> 00:33:16,163
Uh, okay.
"Well, what should we call it? Uh...

680
00:33:16,288 --> 00:33:17,998
"Well, it might
make her smile."

681
00:33:18,123 --> 00:33:20,834
A little.

682
00:33:20,959 --> 00:33:24,546
They at least
could have called it Moan-a-Lisa. Right?

683
00:33:28,091 --> 00:33:32,054
Men just can't
target products to women properly.

684
00:33:32,179 --> 00:33:34,890
Like, for instance,
let's take porn.

685
00:33:35,015 --> 00:33:37,851
Twenty percent
of the women watch porn.

686
00:33:37,976 --> 00:33:41,396
If I made porn,
100% of women would watch it.

687
00:33:42,189 --> 00:33:44,024
Because I would combine porn

688
00:33:44,149 --> 00:33:45,234
with shopping.

689
00:33:48,153 --> 00:33:50,906
Maybe Debbie does Dallas
in Prada.

690
00:33:53,909 --> 00:33:55,619
Debbie does Dolce...

691
00:33:58,163 --> 00:33:59,456
And Gabbana.

692
00:34:02,584 --> 00:34:03,585
"Such a slut.

693
00:34:05,212 --> 00:34:07,047
"But does she look good
or what?

694
00:34:07,673 --> 00:34:09,299
"Love the shoes."

695
00:34:12,386 --> 00:34:15,430
Yeah, I think the other thing
that men did a really bad job of is...

696
00:34:15,556 --> 00:34:17,641
The pharmaceutical companies
did a horrible job.

697
00:34:17,766 --> 00:34:20,352
Okay, let's take
birth control pills, okay?

698
00:34:20,477 --> 00:34:22,062
It's the only pill
on the market

699
00:34:22,187 --> 00:34:23,605
with the days
of the week on it.

700
00:34:23,730 --> 00:34:26,441
Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday... Right?

701
00:34:26,567 --> 00:34:28,402
I'm on
the menopause pill now.

702
00:34:28,527 --> 00:34:30,487
Same pack, no days.

703
00:34:32,155 --> 00:34:33,657
And now I need it.

704
00:34:33,782 --> 00:34:35,784
You know?
'Cause I don't wanna take the pill. I leave.

705
00:34:35,909 --> 00:34:37,828
"Did I take the pill?
Did I not take the pill?

706
00:34:37,953 --> 00:34:38,954
"Did I take the pill?"

707
00:34:44,126 --> 00:34:49,298
Can you imagine if women
created Viagra for men?

708
00:34:49,423 --> 00:34:51,091
Which, by the way,
we would never do.

709
00:34:53,385 --> 00:34:55,721
And we put it in a pack
with the days of the week.

710
00:34:55,846 --> 00:34:57,139
It would say, "Saturday.

711
00:34:57,264 --> 00:34:58,473
"Next Saturday.

712
00:34:59,975 --> 00:35:01,059
"Next month.

713
00:35:02,227 --> 00:35:03,562
"Maybe next year."

714
00:35:04,771 --> 00:35:06,231
And we just
took flow-backs

715
00:35:06,356 --> 00:35:08,317
and threw it at them
and said, "Good luck."

716
00:35:11,486 --> 00:35:13,113
Oh, my goodness gracious.

717
00:35:13,238 --> 00:35:16,033
So I... I had to go
to my doctor, um,

718
00:35:16,158 --> 00:35:18,493
because I kept
forgetting my pills.

719
00:35:18,619 --> 00:35:21,330
And he suggested that
I try the menopause patch.

720
00:35:21,455 --> 00:35:22,664
He said it's
a little sticker.

721
00:35:22,789 --> 00:35:24,333
You put it on your body.

722
00:35:24,458 --> 00:35:25,626
And you won't notice it.

723
00:35:26,877 --> 00:35:28,795
I won't notice it?

724
00:35:28,921 --> 00:35:31,423
I'm walking around
with a sign on me that says,

725
00:35:31,548 --> 00:35:33,217
"Out of order!"

726
00:35:35,010 --> 00:35:37,012
And I complained to him
about my stomach.

727
00:35:37,137 --> 00:35:38,764
I said I was getting
a little bloated,

728
00:35:38,889 --> 00:35:41,475
and he said, "Felicia,
there's nothing wrong with you.

729
00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:42,935
"It's just age."

730
00:35:47,189 --> 00:35:49,775
He said,
"It's gonna be really hard to lose the weight.

731
00:35:49,900 --> 00:35:51,360
"You're gonna
have to kill yourself.

732
00:35:51,485 --> 00:35:54,279
"I suggest you just learn
to love your new body."

733
00:36:00,827 --> 00:36:02,329
I didn't love
the old body.

734
00:36:03,914 --> 00:36:07,501
It's gonna be
a lot easier to kill myself.

735
00:36:07,626 --> 00:36:09,837
I know you're like,
"Oh, my God, she's not fat."

736
00:36:09,962 --> 00:36:11,505
Okay, let me just
tell you guys, where I'm from,

737
00:36:11,630 --> 00:36:15,050
if you get to be
larger than a size two, you get replaced.

738
00:36:15,175 --> 00:36:16,385
Yeah, I'm from
the Upper East Side.

739
00:36:16,510 --> 00:36:17,845
You should see
the recycle bins.

740
00:36:17,970 --> 00:36:19,096
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

741
00:36:19,221 --> 00:36:21,640
Glass, paper,
and second wives.

742
00:36:23,517 --> 00:36:25,310
Once, after a show,
a woman walked up to me

743
00:36:25,435 --> 00:36:26,895
and she said,
"Well, you're not a size two.

744
00:36:27,020 --> 00:36:29,356
"How come your husband
didn't leave you?"

745
00:36:29,481 --> 00:36:31,149
Like, "First of all,
fuck you."

746
00:36:31,275 --> 00:36:32,484
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

747
00:36:34,069 --> 00:36:36,864
"Second of all,
I married a great guy.

748
00:36:36,989 --> 00:36:39,366
"He would never leave me
with half his money."

749
00:36:39,491 --> 00:36:41,994
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

750
00:36:42,119 --> 00:36:46,123
He suggested that
I just eat things that roam the earth

751
00:36:46,248 --> 00:36:47,583
and come out
of the ground.

752
00:36:47,708 --> 00:36:50,002
So in my backyard,
I planted Snickers.

753
00:36:52,504 --> 00:36:54,381
And then I started
taking exercise classes.

754
00:36:54,506 --> 00:36:57,009
I took a SoulCycle class,
and I'm like on the bike.

755
00:36:57,134 --> 00:36:59,052
I'm like biking, biking,
and like whatever.

756
00:36:59,178 --> 00:37:00,721
And they come over
and they start yelling

757
00:37:00,846 --> 00:37:03,557
all these positive affirmations
that you like, "Go, Felicia.

758
00:37:03,682 --> 00:37:06,602
"We believe in you.
You can do it."

759
00:37:06,727 --> 00:37:08,687
I'm like,
"I was not raised that way."

760
00:37:08,812 --> 00:37:10,439
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

761
00:37:12,357 --> 00:37:14,526
I need them yelling,
"You lazy piece of shit!

762
00:37:14,651 --> 00:37:15,819
"You'll never amount
to anything.

763
00:37:15,944 --> 00:37:17,279
"You'll never be
as good as your brother."

764
00:37:17,404 --> 00:37:19,823
Oh, my God,
this is such a great class.

765
00:37:19,948 --> 00:37:21,450
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

766
00:37:23,660 --> 00:37:25,704
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

767
00:37:28,707 --> 00:37:31,126
My husband got me
an exercise mirror.

768
00:37:31,251 --> 00:37:32,920
Yeah, I didn't
talk to him for a month.

769
00:37:34,546 --> 00:37:36,131
Do you know what
an exercise mirror is?

770
00:37:36,256 --> 00:37:37,591
Yeah, it's this mirror.

771
00:37:37,716 --> 00:37:40,844
You put it on the wall
and you select a routine.

772
00:37:40,969 --> 00:37:44,598
And then there's
this wicked bitch inside telling you what to do.

773
00:37:44,723 --> 00:37:46,308
She's like,
"Move those hips harder.

774
00:37:46,433 --> 00:37:48,060
"You've gained
a lot of weight."

775
00:37:49,311 --> 00:37:50,854
Like, "Mom, is that you?"

776
00:37:50,979 --> 00:37:52,397
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

777
00:37:56,235 --> 00:37:59,530
I showed my husband.
I took that mirror and put it over our bed.

778
00:38:01,323 --> 00:38:03,116
Now it criticizes him.

779
00:38:03,951 --> 00:38:05,160
"Move those hips harder.

780
00:38:05,285 --> 00:38:07,496
"You'll never be as good
as your brother."

781
00:38:07,621 --> 00:38:09,623
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

782
00:38:13,460 --> 00:38:15,295
Let's face it,
the only way that mirror

783
00:38:15,420 --> 00:38:16,797
is going to help me
lose weight

784
00:38:16,922 --> 00:38:19,091
is if I put it
on the coffee table.

785
00:38:19,216 --> 00:38:21,218
[SNIFFING DEEPLY]

786
00:38:25,055 --> 00:38:26,181
So amazing.

787
00:38:31,186 --> 00:38:32,521
So I'm addicted
to Ambien.

788
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:35,732
Anyone? Just me?

789
00:38:35,858 --> 00:38:38,944
I usually have to explain
to the young people what Ambien is.

790
00:38:39,069 --> 00:38:42,614
Ambien's what you take
when none of your dreams come true.

791
00:38:42,739 --> 00:38:43,949
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

792
00:38:45,617 --> 00:38:47,744
I hate it when I tell someone
I'm addicted to Ambien,

793
00:38:47,870 --> 00:38:50,455
and they say,
"Have you tried melatonin?"

794
00:38:52,875 --> 00:38:54,501
That's like saying
to a crack addict,

795
00:38:54,626 --> 00:38:56,336
[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
"Have you tried tea?"

796
00:38:56,461 --> 00:38:57,588
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

797
00:38:59,214 --> 00:39:00,883
[IN NORMAL ACCENT]
I went to a sleep specialist.

798
00:39:01,008 --> 00:39:02,301
She gave me
all these things.

799
00:39:02,426 --> 00:39:03,927
She started with telling me
that I should not

800
00:39:04,052 --> 00:39:05,929
leave my phone
by my bedside.

801
00:39:06,054 --> 00:39:08,390
She said I should
leave it in the kitchen.

802
00:39:08,515 --> 00:39:10,559
And I'm like, "How is that
gonna help me sleep?

803
00:39:10,684 --> 00:39:14,897
"'Cause now I have to get up,
out of bed, walk down the hall to check my DMs."

804
00:39:17,733 --> 00:39:19,568
Then she suggested
a weighted blanket.

805
00:39:19,693 --> 00:39:21,361
It's this heavy blanket.

806
00:39:21,486 --> 00:39:23,697
You put it on you
and it relieves all your stress and anxiety.

807
00:39:23,822 --> 00:39:26,033
It didn't help me sleep,
but I lost ten pounds

808
00:39:26,158 --> 00:39:27,910
dragging it back and forth
to the kitchen.

809
00:39:28,035 --> 00:39:29,536
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

810
00:39:32,414 --> 00:39:34,625
And then,
last I tried an Oura Ring.

811
00:39:34,750 --> 00:39:36,084
She suggested that.
You guys know what it is?

812
00:39:36,210 --> 00:39:38,212
It's like a Fitbit
for your finger.

813
00:39:38,337 --> 00:39:40,547
And you go to sleep,
and it measures your heartbeat,

814
00:39:40,672 --> 00:39:42,257
your REM sleep,
your deep sleep.

815
00:39:42,382 --> 00:39:44,092
You wake up in the morning
and you check an app,

816
00:39:44,218 --> 00:39:45,302
and it says things like,

817
00:39:45,427 --> 00:39:47,679
"It's going to be
a difficult day."

818
00:39:49,389 --> 00:39:51,391
I'm like, "Isn't that
what this ring tells me?"

819
00:39:51,517 --> 00:39:53,143
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

820
00:39:58,482 --> 00:39:59,983
I also suffer
from depression.

821
00:40:00,108 --> 00:40:01,068
Anyone?

822
00:40:01,193 --> 00:40:02,569
[SCATTERED CHEERING]

823
00:40:04,112 --> 00:40:06,198
Statistically,
some of you are lying.

824
00:40:07,991 --> 00:40:13,121
I read that 70% of the women
in United States are on antidepressants.

825
00:40:13,247 --> 00:40:15,749
Yeah, which means
30% are depressed.

826
00:40:19,878 --> 00:40:21,672
I'll let you guys
do the math on that one.

827
00:40:23,924 --> 00:40:27,427
Yeah, I have a friend
who walked up to me and said, "Felicia,

828
00:40:27,553 --> 00:40:29,054
"you have
three beautiful children,

829
00:40:29,179 --> 00:40:31,056
"a loving husband,
and two homes.

830
00:40:31,181 --> 00:40:33,058
"You cannot be depressed."

831
00:40:34,810 --> 00:40:37,855
I said to her,
"I said I was depressed,

832
00:40:37,980 --> 00:40:39,606
"not beneath you."

833
00:40:39,731 --> 00:40:41,483
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

834
00:40:42,734 --> 00:40:44,111
It's dark, guys,
but you can laugh.

835
00:40:44,236 --> 00:40:45,320
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

836
00:40:46,864 --> 00:40:48,448
Someone suggested
I volunteer,

837
00:40:48,574 --> 00:40:50,325
so I went to
a homeless shelter.

838
00:40:50,450 --> 00:40:52,452
And after spending
an entire day there,

839
00:40:52,578 --> 00:40:55,163
I have to say
I was really depressed.

840
00:40:56,290 --> 00:40:58,000
But I made a difference,
because there was

841
00:40:58,125 --> 00:41:00,711
this sad man in the corner,
and I walked up to him,

842
00:41:00,836 --> 00:41:02,963
and I was talking to him
and I said, "You know,

843
00:41:03,088 --> 00:41:05,549
"you're not depressed
because you're homeless.

844
00:41:05,674 --> 00:41:08,218
"Because I'm depressed
and I have a house in the Hamptons."

845
00:41:08,343 --> 00:41:10,095
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

846
00:41:18,854 --> 00:41:20,856
It didn't make him feel better.

847
00:41:21,982 --> 00:41:23,192
So they asked me to leave.

848
00:41:25,694 --> 00:41:29,698
And I decided the next day
I would volunteer at a rehab clinic.

849
00:41:29,823 --> 00:41:31,533
I figured I'd have more
experience with that.

850
00:41:31,658 --> 00:41:34,161
I could really
help someone, and I did.

851
00:41:34,286 --> 00:41:36,747
Because there was
this crack addict in the corner,

852
00:41:36,872 --> 00:41:38,415
and I walked up to her
and I said,

853
00:41:38,540 --> 00:41:40,125
[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
"Have you tried tea?"

854
00:41:40,250 --> 00:41:41,460
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

855
00:41:44,129 --> 00:41:45,422
[IN NORMAL ACCENT]
No, but I'm fortunate.

856
00:41:45,547 --> 00:41:46,590
I know I am.

857
00:41:46,715 --> 00:41:48,550
I get unconditional
love and support

858
00:41:48,675 --> 00:41:50,677
from my loving
and adorable dog.

859
00:41:50,802 --> 00:41:53,388
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

860
00:41:53,514 --> 00:41:58,685
I have a Cavapoo, which is
a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel poodle mix.

861
00:41:58,810 --> 00:42:01,897
Do you notice?
Like everything's mixing with poodles?

862
00:42:02,022 --> 00:42:06,026
You know,
there's like Maltipoos, shittypoos, bernadoodles...

863
00:42:07,528 --> 00:42:09,279
I kind of feel sorry
for poodles.

864
00:42:09,404 --> 00:42:11,281
No one wants just them.

865
00:42:12,658 --> 00:42:14,243
They're kinda like
white men.

866
00:42:17,412 --> 00:42:19,289
But if you mix them
with something...

867
00:42:20,666 --> 00:42:22,501
all of a sudden you have
a Barackadoodle,

868
00:42:23,544 --> 00:42:25,170
and everyone wants it.

869
00:42:28,257 --> 00:42:29,842
We had a hard time
naming our dog,

870
00:42:29,967 --> 00:42:32,678
so someone suggested
that we think of things that we love.

871
00:42:32,803 --> 00:42:34,263
So my kids came up
with names

872
00:42:34,388 --> 00:42:36,181
like Sushi, Chip, Yankee.

873
00:42:36,932 --> 00:42:38,058
I chose Cash.

874
00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:41,353
But my husband
won the name game.

875
00:42:41,478 --> 00:42:43,397
So I was walking BJ
the other day.

876
00:42:43,522 --> 00:42:44,857
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

877
00:42:46,733 --> 00:42:48,026
And I was in the park,

878
00:42:48,151 --> 00:42:50,904
and I was like,
"BJ, BJ, come! Come, BJ. Come."

879
00:42:54,283 --> 00:42:55,909
BJ wouldn't come.

880
00:42:56,952 --> 00:42:58,412
So I renamed
her G-spot.

881
00:42:59,454 --> 00:43:00,914
She never came.

882
00:43:01,039 --> 00:43:03,041
We couldn't find her.
We just stopped looking for her.

883
00:43:03,166 --> 00:43:05,502
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

884
00:43:08,922 --> 00:43:10,757
But I do...
I do have to thank my husband.

885
00:43:10,883 --> 00:43:14,761
We just celebrated
being happily married for 25 years.

886
00:43:14,887 --> 00:43:16,638
- [CHEERING AND CLAPPING]
- Yeah.

887
00:43:19,016 --> 00:43:21,602
It was our 32nd
wedding anniversary.

888
00:43:23,562 --> 00:43:26,273
Marriage.
Till death do you part.

889
00:43:26,398 --> 00:43:28,400
That's a long time.

890
00:43:28,525 --> 00:43:32,321
I mean, marriage was
a good idea when people lived to 30, right?

891
00:43:32,446 --> 00:43:34,698
Who needs divorce
when all your marital problems

892
00:43:34,823 --> 00:43:38,410
could be solved
by the black plague?

893
00:43:38,535 --> 00:43:41,371
I mean,
there was a lot of love in the time of cholera.

894
00:43:44,583 --> 00:43:47,544
This is the one area where
I was kind of helpful to the young audience.

895
00:43:47,669 --> 00:43:49,254
I was like
the wedding whisperer.

896
00:43:49,379 --> 00:43:50,672
[WHISPERING]
"Don't do it."

897
00:43:51,965 --> 00:43:53,634
But no,
I give them advice.

898
00:43:53,759 --> 00:43:56,553
I always say,
"Secret to a happy marriage is communication.

899
00:43:57,554 --> 00:43:58,847
"Only through texts
or emails.

900
00:43:58,972 --> 00:44:00,766
"So you have proof
that you told him."

901
00:44:00,891 --> 00:44:02,476
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

902
00:44:04,937 --> 00:44:07,022
"Don't go to bed angry."

903
00:44:07,147 --> 00:44:08,732
I tried it.
I pulled three all-nighters,

904
00:44:08,857 --> 00:44:10,317
and said fuck it,
and took an Ambien.

905
00:44:14,905 --> 00:44:18,867
And, of course,
the most important thing... sex. Right, girls?

906
00:44:18,992 --> 00:44:20,744
Yeah. And I know
you get tired.

907
00:44:20,869 --> 00:44:22,371
The kids,
you all complain.

908
00:44:22,496 --> 00:44:25,082
I love it
when a young couple gets divorced

909
00:44:25,207 --> 00:44:27,000
and the first thing
they do

910
00:44:27,125 --> 00:44:30,045
is they go to the kids
and say, "Mom and Dad are getting divorced,

911
00:44:30,170 --> 00:44:33,257
"but it had nothing
to do with you."

912
00:44:33,382 --> 00:44:38,637
Really? Because you guys
looked really happy before you had kids.

913
00:44:38,762 --> 00:44:42,933
But sex is important,
and I always say to the girls out there,

914
00:44:43,058 --> 00:44:44,685
it only takes five minutes.

915
00:44:46,228 --> 00:44:47,646
And if you're good, three.

916
00:44:48,939 --> 00:44:50,107
It probably
takes you longer

917
00:44:50,232 --> 00:44:51,692
to take
your makeup off.

918
00:44:52,693 --> 00:44:54,194
And I'm sure
your boyfriend,

919
00:44:54,319 --> 00:44:56,238
or husband
won't mind if you multitask.

920
00:44:59,825 --> 00:45:01,994
'Cause this is
a great position for it.

921
00:45:04,246 --> 00:45:05,539
But I get it.
It's hard.

922
00:45:05,664 --> 00:45:07,916
I complain
to my husband too, and he gets mad.

923
00:45:08,041 --> 00:45:09,918
I say, "It's not
that I'm not interested.

924
00:45:10,043 --> 00:45:13,797
"I'm tired because, like,
when we go on vacation, we have a lot of sex."

925
00:45:13,922 --> 00:45:15,924
And he said,
"Yeah, but I'd like to have sex with you

926
00:45:16,049 --> 00:45:17,843
"for less than
$500 a night."

927
00:45:17,968 --> 00:45:19,803
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

928
00:45:21,722 --> 00:45:23,432
And I said, "You're looking
at this the wrong way.

929
00:45:23,557 --> 00:45:26,059
"You should just be thankful
that you could afford it."

930
00:45:27,603 --> 00:45:28,937
But I understand.

931
00:45:29,062 --> 00:45:30,147
So for you,

932
00:45:30,272 --> 00:45:31,356
$250 cash.

933
00:45:36,987 --> 00:45:39,698
And as someone
once said to me,

934
00:45:39,823 --> 00:45:43,035
if you want
to keep your husband from having an affair,

935
00:45:43,160 --> 00:45:46,079
you should give him
a blowjob every morning.

936
00:45:46,205 --> 00:45:47,497
I said he could
have the affair.

937
00:45:47,623 --> 00:45:49,833
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

938
00:45:53,420 --> 00:45:55,172
That is not
a good trade.

939
00:46:00,177 --> 00:46:02,554
And I realize
that life is about trades.

940
00:46:02,679 --> 00:46:04,681
You know, you might
not not be able to have it all,

941
00:46:04,806 --> 00:46:05,933
but you have
some of it.

942
00:46:06,058 --> 00:46:07,726
And then together,
it's all.

943
00:46:07,851 --> 00:46:09,019
Like, for instance,

944
00:46:09,144 --> 00:46:11,480
I gave up my independence
for my marriage.

945
00:46:11,605 --> 00:46:13,565
And that's working out
pretty well, all right.

946
00:46:13,690 --> 00:46:16,818
I gave up my career for my kids,
and I really do love them.

947
00:46:17,569 --> 00:46:18,695
Even the little one.

948
00:46:19,780 --> 00:46:21,907
And I gave up everything
for this.

949
00:46:22,032 --> 00:46:23,116
How's it going?

950
00:46:23,242 --> 00:46:25,702
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

951
00:46:30,582 --> 00:46:33,001
And I can't wait

952
00:46:33,126 --> 00:46:35,128
till my great-grandkids
watch it,

953
00:46:35,254 --> 00:46:37,756
and they go running
into their mother and father and go,

954
00:46:37,881 --> 00:46:39,216
"Mom, Dad!

955
00:46:39,341 --> 00:46:40,759
"What does fellatio mean?"

956
00:46:43,679 --> 00:46:44,930
And they're going to
look at them and say,

957
00:46:45,055 --> 00:46:48,642
"Oh, I think you mean
great-Grandma Felicia.

958
00:46:48,767 --> 00:46:52,479
"She was a great mom
who late in life changed her career,

959
00:46:52,604 --> 00:46:54,773
"and inspired the world,

960
00:46:54,898 --> 00:46:56,775
"and didn't take no
for an answer,

961
00:46:56,900 --> 00:46:58,151
"and spread laughter

962
00:46:58,277 --> 00:47:00,946
"by using her mouth
to spread joy."

963
00:47:01,071 --> 00:47:04,074
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND CLAPPING]

964
00:47:06,326 --> 00:47:08,453
And they looked at them
and said, "No.

965
00:47:08,579 --> 00:47:10,247
"We meant fellatio."

966
00:47:10,372 --> 00:47:11,665
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

967
00:47:12,708 --> 00:47:15,294
"Oh. Yeah.
We don't remember."

968
00:47:15,419 --> 00:47:17,129
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

969
00:47:17,254 --> 00:47:18,964
I'm Felicia Madison.
Thank you.

970
00:47:19,089 --> 00:47:21,049
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

971
00:47:21,175 --> 00:47:23,135
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]