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♪ Everyone longs ♪
♪ For a home of their own ♪
♪ What a heaven on earth it would be ♪
♪ Many may sigh for castles of stone ♪
♪ Still there's only one love nest for me ♪
♪ Just a little white house ♪
♪ With the little green blinds ♪
♪ At the end of Honeymoon Lane ♪
♪ Just a little white gate ♪
♪ At the end ♪
♪ Of Honeymoon Lane ♪
[eerie rock music playing]
[phone ringing]
- [Mr. Hill] Hello? - [Mason] Mr. Hill.
How are we doing today?
[Mr. Hill] Okay until you called.
[Mason] Listen, I know you have some minor concerns
about the '07 that you saw the other day,
but trust me, nothing to worry about.
I've even had the GM himself vouch for this.
[Mr. Hill] I think it's more the fact that Jerry
has the same model for three grand less.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Trust me, you don't want to go to Jerry's.
You know how much their processing fee is?
It's quite-- no, it's three times as much as ours.
[Mr. Hill] Well, I don't know about that,
but the price is still lower.
[Mason] They keep their prices so low
so they can take advantage of you
on the other charges.
Not just the processing fee,
aftermarket, finance upselling.
Look, we don't do that here.
Everyone on my sales team takes integrity very seriously.
[Mr. Hill] And you can vouch that this wasn't in an accident?
[Mason] I'm looking at the paperwork right now.
[Mason sighs]
[Mr. Hill] Let me check if I have an open day this week.
[Mason] No, no, no, just come in today on your lunch break.
It's very casual, no commitments.
[Mr. Hill] Okay, okay.
I guess I could stop by around one?
Wonderful. Looking forward to it.
Wish me luck.
Uh, aren't you forgetting something?
Destroying the hard copy. That's what I got you for.
- No, what about tonight? - Yeah, don't worry about it.
I won't be home late. I'll call you.
So you wouldn't believe how this bad boy got to us.
I mean, every lot in town was fighting for it,
just for the trade.
It was used in movies. Bollywood.
I'm not big into movies.
Well, the next owner, I mean,
he had this thing really souped up.
Cat-Back exhaust. Custom cylinder heads.
- I mean, we're talking-- - Look, Jason.
Mason.
Mason, it's not for me. I don't drive.
It's a graduation gift for my son.
Oh. Well, it's still good information to have.
Look, the price. I'm glad that you matched it.
But Jerry is saying his VIN report is clean,
and this one is damaged.
Way ahead of you.
I did some digging, and I found the original paperwork.
So whatever you saw was probably just a mistake.
[engine revs up]
M-A-S-O-N,
I don't know how you do it.
Mason.
- You look happy. - [Mason chuckles]
Another satisfied customer,
and somewhere one more angel loses its wings.
Well, I hope the brakes hold up. [sighs]
I got a call today.
You delivered two vans last week.
Yeah, the two 12-passengers. You know.
Uh, I know they were supposed to be wholesaled.
Yeah, but those governmental types,
they always overpay.
You see the gross on it?
Mason, you sold two junkyard pieces of shit
as accessible rides
for the city's disabled workforce fleet.
Sounds like you plagiarized that from an official letter.
They're threatening to shut me down.
Hey, i-- it'll blow over. It always does.
Mason.
In the past,
I've been able to overlook your shenanigans.
But lately you've been making it very difficult.
And now this.
I can't do it.
Boss, I can sell anything.
Isn't that what you want? That's what I am here for.
Mason, I'm sorry.
I don't see any way out of this one.
Someone's head's got to roll,
and it ain't gonna be mine.
["Happy on My Own" by Kyle Cox playing]
♪ I'm happy on my own ♪
♪ Making coffee just for one ♪
♪ And eating breakfast all alone ♪
♪ Fewer dishes to be done ♪
[car horn honks]
♪ I'm never running behind ♪
[door creaks open]
♪ You're never on my mind ♪
♪ No longer there to make me comb my hair ♪
Hey, babe. What you doing over there?
What day is it, Mason?
Tuesday?
Oh, just an average Tuesday?
Not our anniversary at all, huh?
Oh, no. Uh, yes.
I-- I called Gino's,
but they didn't have a table available.
So I was just gonna defer to you--
Oh, fuck you, Mason.
You know, your bullshittery might work
on your dumbass customers,
but I see right through you.
- No, babe-- - Don't "babe" me.
Come on, I had a hell of a day.
You and all your excuses.
- It never ends. - No, but this is a good one.
Oh, a good one. That'll be the day.
And by the way, how drunk are you right now?
Wait, just listen. [sighs]
I-- I-- I'm sorry, Alison, but I...
I kinda sorta lost my job today.
You lost your job?
[sighs] Yeah.
You're joking. How?
I lost it.
So what, you were standing around
and all of a sudden it was like, "Hey, where'd my job go?"
Well, look, it wasn't exactly like I--
"I could have sworn I had my job right here in my pocket."
Well, if I could just explain myself--
"Hey, I've got an idea.
Let's go on a scavenger hunt for your job."
- No, please. -"Hello, job, you in there?"
Come on, this isn't helping.
No, wait, maybe there's a job inside this one.
Alison!
Look, do you still want to go to Gino's?
Maybe we can get mozzarella sticks.
[hiccups]
[sighs]
Fine.
- Yeah? - Yeah, let's go.
You sure? Should I change?
No, let's go. Just like this.
Okay.
Hey, maybe you should actually drive, you know?
[door clicks closed]
Come on, Alison.
You-- you're not kicking me out, are you?
Where am I supposed to go?
You can talk your way out of anything.
You'll figure it out.
Wh-- what about all of my stuff?
No, don't do that.
No, come on. What--
Come on, Alison.
Wha-- No, those are nice suits.
Get the fuck off my property, and out of my life.
Alison.
Alison!
[somber jazz music playing]
[crickets chirping]
[sighs]
[whimsical music playing]
[phone ringing]
- [David] Hello? - Hey, Brian, how are--
- [David] It's David. - David.
[chuckles] My-- my bad.
My contacts, man, they're really messed up.
Uh, anyway, long time no speak.
Hey, listen, I have a really big favor to ask.
I was wondering if you might have a couch
that I could crash on for a few days because--
[phone clicks]
Oh, no, that's fine.
That's fine, yeah, take care. No worries.
Hi, saw you're looking for a sales expert.
- [woman] Thank you. - [Mason laughs]
Absolutely, I can sell anything. What is it that you guys--
[woman] We sell decorative paper.
- Decorative paper? - [woman] That's right.
Yeah, fuck it, I can--
Uh, just tell me when to come in.
[woman] Unpaid internship.
- I'm sorry, what? - [woman] Unpaid.
Unpaid internship.
- Hello, Jordan? - [Jordan] Hey.
- Hello. How you doing? - Hey.
How are-- Uh, yeah, I'm-- I'm great.
Um, actually, I'm not great.
Listen, Alison...
Alison kicked me out again.
This time for good, I think.
- [Jordan] Oh, yeah, I get it. - Yeah, yeah.
Uh, and I was wondering if you had a couch or something
that I might be able to crash on for a few days.
That would really be helpful.
Jordan?
Hello, Jordan?
Motherfucking God, bitch,
son of a fucking whore, piece of shit!
[birds chirping]
[whimsical music playing]
[quiet hum of distant chatter]
[sighing and grunts]
Mint?
Sure.
[Mr. Bendt] "McGinness, Mr."
Do you like money, McGinness, Mr.?
Has anyone in this chair ever told you otherwise?
There have been more than a few in that chair.
Better wash those pants.
Mr. Bendt, with all due respect,
I've been in sales for a long time.
I know how this works.
Power in numbers,
survival of the fittest.
What is your deepest fear?
I don't know. I-- I'd have to think about it.
Mine? Dying alone.
But then I always keep a roll of hundreds in bed by my side.
Also, spiders.
Trust me, I don't need the extra motivation.
Well, a self-motivated fella.
I have agents in this office
looking to take on as much inventory as they can.
But that's not how you'll succeed here.
You need the right property,
and I need the right man.
- You sold real estate before? - Briefly.
I-- I sold condos for about ten years
before I got into selling cars.
You're a buyer's agent.
I need a seller's agent.
Mr. Bendt,
I've pretty much sold everything,
and believe me, I'm up to the challenge.
- [phone beeps] - Cindy, hold all my calls.
Well, McGinness...
you just might be in luck.
I have some of the most unsellable properties
in this state.
One of 'em, the foundation's being rebuilt.
It sank.
Morons built it on a fucking swamp.
The other one...
this one...
well, it has a history that turns people off.
What kind of history?
Oh, you know, people talk.
Had it so long, I own the deed.
Can't even give away any of the furniture.
Furniture? Like, a bed?
[Mr. Bendt chuckles] You can't even give away
any of the old lady's stuff.
It's money going down the shitter.
What's the offer?
[sighs] For that one...
35%.
Shit.
Full partner.
You see, I'm serious here.
I don't want to have anything to do with that place.
I want it gone yesterday.
Well, you could always just burn it to the ground, right?
Well, I'm not sure.
But given your enthusiasm,
you just might be the man for the job.
[Mr. Bendt sighs]
All right, McGinness, we'll give it a shot.
Thank you, sir. Thank you so much.
Um, I can get started today,
uh, get a feel for the place,
the layout, uh, sleeping quarters.
I'll have Cindy set you up with the paperwork and the keys.
Thank you. I won't let you down.
[Mr. Bendt] Hey.
You never told me your worst fear.
Failure.
[chuckles]
I think in time,
you're gonna be a little more imaginative than that.
[energetic music playing]
[birds chirping]
Jeez, no wonder no one's buying.
[eerie music playing]
[door creaking]
[low droning]
[floor creaking]
[sighs]
[door creaking]
[tense music building]
[doorknob creaking]
[tense music building]
[angelic music playing]
[exhales deeply] Oh, yeah.
We can work with this.
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
["Blow off Some Steam" by Ben Bostick playing]
♪ Well, I've been holding it in ♪
♪ Since I clocked in Monday morning ♪
♪ Come the end of the week I'm about to blow ♪
♪ We walk into the honky-tonk like a pack of wolves now ♪
♪ Order up a round of shots and it's away we go ♪
♪ It's a throwdown hoedown get down ♪
♪ Order up another round of shots ♪
♪ Gonna get drunk, get some, have fun ♪
♪ Get into some trouble, baby, like it or not ♪
♪ I'm a Jim Beam-drinking, paycheck slinging ♪
♪ La-la-line dancing machine ♪
♪ It's been a helluva week ♪
♪ And I need to blow off some steam ♪
♪ Guitar ♪
[camera shutter clicking]
♪ Gotta blow off some steam ♪
Perfect.
♪ B-b-blow ♪
Hello?
[gas hissing]
[blows raspberry]
[metal thudding]
[sniffing]
Oh, shit.
[groans in pain]
Fuck. [exhales sharply]
[groaning in pain]
[sizzling]
[sighs]
Hmm.
World's most powerful oven.
I'll be sure to include that.
[crickets chirping]
[water trickling]
[Mason groans]
Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
[electric buzzing]
Hello?
[scoffs] Bad wiring, too?
"Beautiful country--"
No. No.
"Rustic home--"
"Idyllic abode,
will turn heads.
Will take your breath away."
It sounds like you're selling a damn car.
"Beautiful, idyllic abode...
will remind you
of what the good life is supposed to be.
A house is more than a home,
it's a place where we raise our families.
We start with the center of it all,
mom, whose warm essence is a calm reminder
that everything will be all right.
And then there's dad, a beacon
who will always, always be there.
And the children-- oh, the children,
the siblings you can forever depend on.
A connection for which friendship is no substitute.
When we think of a house, we think of love.
And when I think of you in this house,
what I see above all else
is that feeling right here.
You know it when you see it.
And I look at you and I see it.
You in this home.
So eat my fucking ass,
and let's party up this bitch."
[eerie music playing]
[sighing deeply]
Sometimes I can't believe my own luck.
[crickets chirping]
[door creaking]
[sniffles]
[light switch clicking]
[groans]
[sighs]
[rustling noises]
[tense music building]
[paper rustling]
Who's there?
♪
[music intensifies]
[music distorts]
[quiet thuds]
[thunder rumbling]
[panting]
[groans]
Prospective client already?
Let's do it, huh? Let's do it!
[energetic brass music plays]
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Unique New York, unique New York,
unique New York.
Hello, folks, I'm Mason McGinnis.
But you can call me Mase.
Hello, folks, I'm Mason.
Beautiful home, isn't it?
Hi f--
[knocking on door]
Hi, fucks-- uh, folks. [chuckles]
You must be the Andersons.
Alderson. I'm Jean.
Ted Delancy. Jean's agent.
Excellent. Well, I'm Mason. Please, come on in.
I've got such sights to show you.
Let me just get some lights on, and...
It's-- it's probably just a bad bulb.
Or five.
But actually, maybe that's better.
This way you can see how unnecessary electricity is
in a house with such ample sunshine.
It was built with that in mind.
Um, please, follow me.
As you can see, this space is quite open.
Very welcoming.
Is this an original wood stove?
Yes, it's an 1812 original iron.
[clears throat] Um, a house is more than a home.
It's a place where we raise our families.
And we start with the center of it all.
[Ted] Chicken?
Or turkey?
Oh, well, um,
a-- actually, this is a great furnace
for a rotisserie spit.
Mm, nothing quite like sitting back with a loved one
on a chilly winter's evening
while you're roasting a really big chicken.
Surely there's a kitchen for that.
- [rumbling] - [metallic clanking]
Kitchen. Follow me.
[laughs nervously] Uh,
sometimes birds can get stuck in there.
What with the flue having that,
um, classic old-time narrow design.
- What's in this room? - [lock clicks]
Um, storage.
Can we take a look?
I'm actually missing the key for that,
but I will be happy to get you some old photos from the office
and forward them to you.
Hey.
Hey, uh, you know,
why don't we go check out the rest?
I think we are finally going to have that "wow" moment.
Oh, and there's a really nice reading room in here, too.
Maybe-- Oh! Oh!
[clattering]
Were those chairs always in that spot before?
Yes.
Actually, uh, yeah, I put those chairs there
so I could, uh, remind myself
to show you this room on the way out.
But, uh... [chuckles]
...really, you gotta see the master bedroom first.
So please, follow me.
Anyway, uh, here we go.
Brace yourselves.
I love this room.
It faces west,
so you get that beautiful sunset glow coming through.
And a brand new rug for those snug nights
when you want to just, uh...
unexpectedly wake up on the floor.
- [faint scratching] - I'm sorry, what?
- [faint scratching] - Do you hear that?
[Ted] Yeah.
It's like, a scratching.
Oh, probably just the central air.
Few things better in a home than central air.
It sounds like it's coming from the closet.
[faint scratching]
[sighs]
[ominous music plays]
Yeah, uh, yeah.
This is more of an old-time vanity or a...
an armoire.
- Hey! - Oh, so-- I'm sorry.
Um, that's probably just...
[lock rattling]
...it's just drafty, you know, it's--
[Mason grunts]
Yeah, like I said, uh, central air.
So, technically, it's a smart home!
The furniture knows exactly when to move itself!
I'm sorry, folks, I'm way off my game today.
This house is a steal. Really.
Don't let my bumbling get in the way
- of such a great opportunity. - Thanks, but no thanks.
[car engine revs]
[phone rings]
Bendt.
Hello, Mr. Bendt?
Ho-- how are you, sir?
Ah, McGinness, Mr. How is everything going?
Going? Well, going well.
Uh, well, that's why I'm calling.
Uh, is there something going on here?
Like what?
Yeah, either there's someone messing with me in this house,
or, uh, I don't know,
maybe it's just really drafty all the time?
Sounds to me like what people call ghosts.
Sorry?
[coughing] Ghosts! Ghosts!
[laughs] Come on.
What is this, some kind of initiation?
Oh, to tell you the truth, it's all a bunch of hooey.
Sometimes when these houses are built,
they're built in a way that causes optical illusions.
[laughs]
Uh, you know, it's an old house.
Optical illusions?
Ah, but it's understandable because of what happened there.
Too many murders in there.
That's why it's so damn hard to sell.
Look, just give me a chance to run with the big dogs.
Any prime listing and I will sell it faster,
I will sell it for more, and I will work for less.
I enjoy your enthusiasm
and zest for life.
However, I should remind you,
you're not technically working for me.
You're an independent contractor.
Which reminds me, I'll need that W-9 form
as soon as possible.
[determined drum music plays]
[Mason] Haunted house? No such thing.
There's haunted dreams, haunted relationships,
haunted memories.
Heights barely reached, roads never taken.
I can do this.
Haunted house, my ass!
♪
Who's in here?
♪
Come on out! I know someone's fuckin' around!
All right, haunted house.
Let's see if you can go toe-to-toe with big Mase.
[upbeat music playing]
♪
[chuckles]
Suck it, ghosts.
[crickets chirping]
[dial tone ringing]
- [Alison] What? - Hi, hey, how are you?
[sighs] What do you want?
I just wanted to hear the sound of your voice.
[sighs] Okay, listen to this.
Fuck off!
Alison, will you please just listen, just one minute?
[sighs] Go.
Okay, so I know I've made some mistakes.
Actually, I've made a lot of mistakes.
But I want you to know that I've got a new job,
new accommodations, and I'm back on my feet,
and more determined than ever.
Life has always thrown me curveballs,
and I've always managed to hit it out of the park.
Are you for real?
Yeah, definitely.
Well, not always out of the park,
but at least a double or a single.
Mason...
To be honest, this place is starting to
feel like more of a bunt.
But the point is, there is no striking out over here.
You don't get it, do you?
What?
[sighs] I should've known from the start.
All that shit with your mom.
My mom? Why are you bringing her into this?
You know what you did.
I kept my mom from being homeless is what I did.
You stole a lot of money
and got stripped of your licenses.
Hey, she was in trouble. I did what I had to do.
You didn't do it for her! You did it for yourself.
She wound up in a nursing home anyway.
And then you got caught,
and now all you can do are these shitty little hustles.
You don't care who gets screwed over
as long as your ego doesn't get pricked.
- Alison, I-- - [phone buzzes]
- [ominous chord] - [gasps]
Hello?
[eerie music playing]
Uh, Alison? Uh...
if you could maybe find it in your heart to please forgive me,
we could continue building a life together again.
Look, you sold me on a better life.
But... it was just an empty box.
So...
consider me swindled too.
[somber music playing]
No. Don't look at it. Don't look.
♪
All right, come on out!
[dramatic music playing]
I know someone's fuckin' with me!
♪
You think you're pretty clever, huh?
Fuck! Goddamn it! Dang it!
[panting]
[sighs]
[door creaking]
[eerie music playing]
[Mason's mom] Mason?
I don't want to.
Don't make me go.
Mom?
[music intensifies]
[screaming]
[whimpering]
[gasps]
[screaming]
[groans]
[high-pitched music playing]
[music fades]
I need to start taking it easy.
- Oh, shit. - [energetic drum music playing]
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
[birds chirping]
Hi, guys. How we doing today?
That right there is a...
silver maple.
A rare deciduous.
Is that so?
Hi. Uh, the name's Mason.
[clears throat]
Can I, uh, help you guys with anything?
Show you around?
Saw that the place is for sale.
Very much for sale. Couldn't be more for sale.
And at a very low price, too, I might add.
Such a beautiful place.
Why would anyone give this up?
Oh, the current owners are expecting again.
Unexpectedly outgrown.
But their fortune might favor your fortune,
because this here is truly the perfect place
for that couple looking to take their lives
to the next stage.
What stage is that?
Whatever stage you want it to be.
Well... aren't you going to ask?
Ask?
Can we see the inside?
Of course. Follow me.
A little chillier than usual today,
but fortunately we have this.
An original hand-carved wood stove
that will warm you up real quick.
- Lovely. - Do you folks like cooking?
I think the previous owners used this as a smoker.
That sounds like a fun idea.
Do you know the one thing I keep hearing clients are looking for
in a new home?
- Closet space. - A drink.
A new oven.
Maybe you can show us the bedroom?
Yes, of course. Uh, please, follow me.
I am telling you, I really love
the amount of sunlight this room gets.
Little hot in here, don't you think?
Well, once the central air hits,
we're talking lap of luxury level comfort.
[clears throat]
Still a few mechanical bugs to be worked out,
but that will be taken care of, not to worry.
[scratching]
- What do you think? - Stop.
I-- I'm sorry, can I get you something?
I'm sorry. My eczema.
Oh. Right.
It would just be easier if I could get medication.
Well, it's expensive.
And yet here we are, buying a house.
You know what?
Why don't you go take a look inside that kitchen?
I'm just gonna show her the, uh, new oven.
Hi, Mrs.--
Uh, actually, I don't even think I got your names.
[Alice] I like this.
The-- the kitchen?
[Alice] Yeah.
It's... familiar.
Yeah. Sure, yeah.
It's got some really great carpentry work over here,
- and then what I really like-- - [sobbing]
Oh, jeez, I'm-- I'm sorry.
He-- hey, I know it's not my place,
but is there anything I could do?
[sniffles]
No, it's okay.
Sometimes...
being married is hard.
You get on each other's nerves, and...
you worry about reaching a day where...
one of us will say the wrong thing, and...
sometimes I have these fantasies...
[eerie music playing]
...where I beat him to it.
Like...
before he can hurt me.
Like, maybe when he's in the shower,
I just take a knife and...
Hey...
maybe you can help me.
Could you?
Maybe you could sneak me away before things get really bad.
Maybe you could fix it.
I'm sorry, I'm-- I'm just-- I'm just here to sell the house.
[laughs] Of course.
I'm sorry. I'm just trying to deal.
I'm sorry. I hope I didn't frighten you.
[ominous chord]
♪
[music intensifies]
After you.
[screaming]
[dramatic music playing]
♪
"Looking for someone
with special abilities.
A... psychic."
[birds chirping]
[upbeat Latin music playing over speakers]
Are you Claire?
Thank you so much for responding. Uh...
So, uh, where do we start? [chuckles]
You've done this before, right?
I don't normally meet up like this.
Oh.
How do you normally do it?
- [fly buzzing] - I don't.
[mug clattering]
♪
So-- so you're psychic, right?
Medium.
What's that?
You don't know what a medium is?
Something between a small and large?
A psychic can't do what I do.
Look, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
And just so you know, you're talking to
a Willy Wonka-caliber sugarcoater over here.
Sugar?
♪
Uh... [clears throat]
...I have a house I'm trying to sell,
and I need to come to some type of agreement with...
the-- the current occupants.
I don't do eviction notices. I'm not a public notary.
Notary public.
Okay, Dad.
Uh-- uh, this house has a-- a bit of...
[chuckles] ...history.
Uh, apparently anyone that moves in kind of sort of
ends up dead.
Kinda sorta dead?
Well, more like murdered.
Kill or be killed.
Or you kill yourself.
That is a problem.
Yeah.
Uh...
apparently this has been going back a while, and...
- Could you maybe not do that? - No one tells me what to do.
I-- I-- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please. Please.
♪
I'm occasionally disingenuous.
Occasionally very, very often.
But not now. I need you.
Please. Can you help me?
I didn't tell you how ugly that tie is.
Clients like it.
I thought the clients were dead.
Only some are dead.
I think.
How much will you pay me?
Well, I'll have you know I'm expecting a bit of a windfall
after this transaction.
This is a freebie?
I'll make sure that you're taken care of.
I may be full of shit with my customers,
but ask anyone I've ever worked for,
I will die for you in the foxhole.
I don't even know why I'm here.
To be honest, it's been a while
since I've done something like this.
But you can do it.
Growing up, I could see things.
Hear thoughts that used to be there.
[eerie music playing]
Sometimes the things were evil.
What'd you do?
Burned the fucker down.
Kidding.
Look...
if you pay attention,
open up to them...
they will talk back.
If you believe,
you can get them to come out.
Maybe even get them to leave.
But having gasoline on hand
probably isn't a bad idea either.
[exhales]
Fuck it. I'll help you.
[laughs] Thank you. Thank you so much.
I will do whatever I can for you.
Just lose the tie.
[upbeat jazz music playing]
♪
[music concludes]
Hi, Claire.
This it?
Yeah. Come on in.
What, uh-- Do you see anything?
Yeah, some brain matter right there.
What's with the crosses?
Uh, I don't know. I thought maybe
"the power of Christ compels you" or something.
Just trying to help.
What's the activity?
Knocking, hearing voices, moving furniture?
All of the above.
Apparitions?
Have you seen ghosts?
- Oh, yeah. - Where?
All over.
Kitchen, hallways, bedroom.
Let's see the bedroom.
Ridiculous.
[faint scratching]
- You hear that? - Yeah.
[scratching continues]
[tense music playing]
You're right, though. Something is--
[ominous chord]
♪
Yeah, that's right, be-yotch!
Door stopper.
We'll do it in here.
Tonight.
[spooky music playing]
♪
You think I should turn off the central air?
It does provide a lot of movement.
Stop.
No one wants to hear about central air.
Okay.
Oh!
What's that?
Garlic.
Do you have fucking vampires too?
Sorry, first séance.
- Hands on the table, bro. - All right, okay.
Close your eyes.
No peeking.
[music fades]
I'm listening.
[eerie music building]
We know you're here.
Speak to me.
- [table rattling] - We're here to help.
I'm here to help.
Show yourself.
[faint, disembodied whispering]
There's someone here.
Who?
Who's here?
[whooshing]
Claire?
Hello?
[door creaking]
♪
Claire?
Who are you?
[whispering] Scarlett.
Sc-- Sc-- Scar-- Scarlett, you-- you have to leave.
This is not your house anymore.
♪
[shrieks, grunts]
Claire, get rid of her!
[disembodied whispering]
[wailing]
[whispering continues]
[rattling]
This is not your house.
[deep voice] We are many.
You are none.
Claire, snap out of it.
[grunts]
[gasps, exhales]
Second bedroom.
Sorry.
[tense music building]
The very first murders were in this room.
Two little girls.
By their own father.
Never allowed to grow up.
Doomed to this place.
Everyone who lives here made to suffer as they did.
What about Scarlett?
Scarlett was the last.
And the angriest.
♪
It needs more ghosts.
Yeah, but I need to get rid of the ghosts.
[Claire] This house...
likes you.
Knows you'll feed it.
Me? Why me?
[Claire] Because...
you only care about yourself.
[scoffs] Well, that's a load of crap.
I care about lots of stuff. I care about people.
But right now, you know what I really care about?
Selling this goddamn house.
[roars]
No, stop it! Stop that!
[Claire growling]
No! No!
- [Claire roars] - No, Claire!
- [roars] - Claire! Claire, stop it!
This door is probably very expensive.
[growling]
Claire! Stop being possessed! It's a total cliché!
Claire, stop!
[Claire] Mason?
Mason, they're gone, but only for a moment.
We have to go now.
I'm sorry.
They don't want me to leave.
We have to go before they're back.
[sobbing]
It-- it's okay. It's okay.
[snarling]
Ooh!
[Claire groans]
[gasps]
Oh, shit!
Uh... oh, man.
Uh... think, think, think. Um...
okay, you're a murderer, and you need to hide a body. Uh...
No. No. You're not a murderer.
This was an accident. It was clearly an accident.
Just call 911 and tell 'em what happened.
You just picked up a young girl you met on Craigslist,
and you brought her over to your home
in the middle of nowhere,
and she wound up dead in the bedroom.
Okay, you're definitely a murderer,
and you need to hide the body while you sort things out.
Think!
[eerie music playing]
♪
[Mason grunting]
[panting]
[grunts]
[sighs]
Okay.
Let's just get this to the car. It's just clothes.
It's fine. No one's gonna see.
One...
two...
- three. - [banging on door]
[intense music playing]
Who is it?
[Mr. Bendt] Police. Open up.
♪
Okay. Okay.
I deserve it.
Aw, McGinness, Mr.
I'm just fuckin' with you. Good morning!
Oh, uh, g-- good morning. What are you, um--
What do I owe the pleasure?
Well, I thought I'd drop in on my way to the office.
[sighs] How's everything going?
Progressing.
Great.
Let's have a gander.
Well, this is a new one.
You a religious man, McGinness?
Uh, yes. Yes.
Actually, I know, you know, this being the Bible Belt
and all, that this might look attractive
to the, uh, evangelical crowd.
Fascinating.
Well, I'm glad you're thinking outside of the box,
but maybe spread some of those crosses around or something.
Of course.
Uh, Mr. Bendt, can I get you anything to drink?
A water?
Wait.
There's a plumbing issue.
Did I ever tell you how I came into possession of this house?
You...
lost a bet?
Precisely.
Well, I guess you ruined my favorite story.
Wait, the--
[tense music playing]
[music stops]
[Mr. Bendt] Well, let's go look at the old lady's room.
What in God's grand buck happened in here?
Oh, uh, our sense of smell is tied to memory,
and, uh, buyers, they love a scent
that takes them back in time, mm-hmm.
Tell me, you seen any weird shit in here?
Ghosts?
Me?
I've never seen it.
Every time I come here, it's the same ugly old house.
But that's what the people always say.
Voices.
Weird shit.
Too many deaths in here, I guess.
But you can't blame them.
Did you know that every time
there's more than one person dwelling in this house,
one of them goes crazy and murders the others?
Wives, kids... killed.
Isn't that something?
You seen any murders in this house, McGinness?
[tense music]
[laughs]
Don't be such a doof. It's all just a big coincidence.
Come on, let's go.
Well, nobody's died here yet,
so everything looks peachy keen to me.
Just do me a favor and clean out all that
sex orgy candle stuff
before your next prospect.
Certainly. Clear it out today.
And thank you for stopping by.
I'll make sure to keep you updated.
Actually, let me take a look in here really quick.
Oh, no. This room is fine. Trust me.
- [tense music] - Oh, yeah? Then let me see it.
Y-- You don't need to go in there.
And why is that?
Ghosts?
Jesus H. Christ.
Good night.
Smells like something died in here.
This yours?
What's in this?
Dirty laundry.
♪
[music stops]
You're into some weird shit, McGinness.
But actually, you're the kind of person
I've needed all along.
Clean this place up, for Christ's sake.
And get some more bodies in here.
The place ain't gonna sell itself.
[melancholic music playing]
♪
[breathing shakily]
[sobbing]
♪
[police siren blaring]
[siren fading]
[sighs]
♪
[dramatic sting]
Last chance, Mason.
[exclaims]
[faint rustling]
[ominous music plays]
[music stops]
Hey! Is this...
Be gone! Gone with you, demon!
...sycamore?
Yeah, maybe. What's it to you?
It's very nice.
Let me see the back of your head.
Okay.
Why, is there a leaf or something?
Um... [clicks tongue]
...you busy cleaning?
I'd love to check out the inside.
Well, this is it. Another sausage is made.
Where the bodies are buried.
Makes for a good spot to incinerate one's problems.
Probably should have thought of that.
I've read that these grounds have a bit of a sordid history.
It's a bit of an understatement.
I'm into it.
Little added character.
- Makes for some fun stories. - Wait!
And maybe best of all...
makes for low property value.
[scoffs] Dude, come on.
Let's drop the charade, all right?
- I gotta get back to-- - I'll take it.
What?
I'll take it.
You mean, buy it?
You want to? Just like that?
[hopeful music plays]
I've already seen the specs.
I already know the history.
Look, I definitely didn't come out here
to lose it to another buyer.
Why, is there anything else I should know?
[laughs]
Single guy like you? You?
What was your name again?
You're single, right? [chuckles]
Yeah, but, uh...
It's Jim.
Jim. Jimmy. [laughs]
Sir James.
You know, Jim, a house is more than a home.
It is a place where we forge our own trails.
We begin our own adventures.
- [both chuckle] - Thank you.
- Take care.
It was really great meeting you.
Aw, you too, man.
[music turns ominous]
[music fades]
[colleagues applauding]
And you should have no misgivings depositing it.
- Thank you so much. - Partner.
[both laugh]
Oh, no, thank you.
You've done the unthinkable.
And as an extra special token of my appreciation...
- I don't smoke, though. - You never know.
You could come across some fuzzy paperwork
that probably should be burned.
So, what's next?
Next? Oh, new challenges await.
Unique properties to sell. A robust rental market.
The trappings of office, fame and politics.
Get this.
Cindy's stapler's gone missing.
No, no, I mean, what is next for-- [stutters]
You know what? Forget it.
Oh, buck up, boy.
Don't you want to hear how I lost that bet?
Sure.
Most fucked-up poker game I ever played.
The winner wins the deed to the house.
What I didn't know, though,
was that he lost the game on purpose.
On account of the deed being cursed.
You see?
Whoever owns the deed owes the house lives.
Remember those nightmares you had?
Well, every time the house was hungry,
I had them, too.
Until I could give it to someone to take,
so to speak.
Usually a random, overconfident salesman would do.
Until you came along.
And wouldn't you know it?
You actually sold the damn thing and escaped with your life.
Now, that poor sap has the deed.
And he'll pass it to someone else when he dies.
[ominous music play]
[upbeat guitar instrumental]
♪
[phone vibrating]
Hello?
Hey, Mase. It's Jim.
Oh. [chuckles nervously] Hey, how are you?
Uh... uh, everything adequate?
Yeah. Adequate.
Uh, bit of a killer headache the last couple days.
Oh. Not feeling well?
No, I'm sure it's nothing.
But I am calling because there's a little issue.
Okay, Jim. I'm going to be honest with you.
Uh, you might need to do some exorcising.
Exorcising?
Yeah. Candles.
And you want to get a really good priest
because mediums might not be as effective.
Okay.
I haven't the faintest clue what you're talking about.
This is about the bedrooms?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Yeah, well, I'm thinking
there might be an infestation upstairs.
You know, my daughter's heard
a lot of scratching on the walls.
- And... - [footsteps tapping over phone]
Just the other night,
I started to hear it in the big bedroom, too.
Daughter? Your-- your daughter?
I know this happens sometimes.
But I don't know the first person to call
about something like that, so...
Wait, wait. I'm sorry. Your family?
You-- you have a family living with you at that house?
Yeah. My daughter's here with me.
But, uh, you know... [chuckles]
...I don't think she knows a contractor, either.
She's seven.
Uh, yeah, I will, uh--
I'll think about it.
Yeah, well.
We might switch rooms anyway.
She couldn't get a wink of sleep in there the last couple nights.
Monster under the bed, you know?
- [objects clattering loudly] - Hey!
Knock it off!
[softly] Oh, shit.
[sighs] Sorry.
It's the headache. [sighs]
Mason? You still there?
Yes. Yeah, I'll-- I'll figure something out.
Great.
Um, appreciate it. Thanks.
[ominous music builds]
Dad, can I sleep with you?
[sighs] Why? It's time for bed.
But there's monsters.
There's no monsters. No such thing.
[chuckles softly] Just try not to think about it.
[music intensifies]
[line ringing]
[phone buzzing]
[Jim] Hey, you've reached Jim Neal.
Can't get to my phone right now,
but if you leave your name and number,
I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Shit!
[thunder rumbling]
[music calms]
- [door creaks] - [metal scraping]
[music intensifies]
[thunder roars]
Mr. Neal! Jim, hello!
Jim!
Hello, Jim! Come on!
Mason?
What-- what are you doing here?
Oh, uh, I just wanted to give everything a once-over
for any, uh, quick fixes, irregularities,
brain splatter, evidence.
Mason, what are you doing? It's late.
Weird question.
Uh, are you having any trouble sleeping,
or dangerous thoughts?
What are you doing right now?
[scoffs] I'm just having a...
[music intensifies]
...drink.
Where is your daughter?
[thunder roars]
[daughter screams]
[thunder rumbling]
- Are you okay? - The closet!
What did you see? Who was it?
Mason, tell me what's going on.
Look, I want to purchase your house back.
What?
This house. I want to buy it.
What are you, high? You already sold it to me.
Semantics, just listen.
I want to take it off your hands,
I'll pay you a healthy premium,
I got the money now, I'm a partner.
Daddy.
Mason, get out of here!
Please, you have to listen to me.
This house is a lemon, a dud.
I wasn't being honest with you.
That's my whole MO.
I'm not an honest person.
My entire career, I bullied clients,
I cheated, I brushed things under the rug.
Literally, like skull fragments,
evidence, the truth.
I was wrong to have sold you this place.
You can't stay here.
Daddy!
Let's go.
Push, Jim!
I can't get it open!
[screaming]
Stop, Claire, it's me!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
This is all my fault.
You're just a kid.
I never should have brought you here.
I-- I-- I promise when this is over,
I will tell the police everything.
And your family, your friends, everyone will know,
so that they have peace.
You will have peace, I swear it.
No fingers crossed.
[whimpers]
[imitates choking sound]
You're the best.
I'm not going to give the whole closing speech again,
but this house ain't a home no more.
Leaving already?
We're just trying to take them to the next stage.
Endless possibilities.
They only try to mess with you. They can't actually hurt you.
I think. Follow me.
[tapping]
[daughter screams]
- [glass shattering] - [ghosts growling]
Back door.
Dad!
Let him go.
[Scarlett's voice] Low-life peddler.
Two-bit confidence man.
You're the sucker.
Nothing I haven't already heard from my own family before.
[Mason's mom voice] Mason.
Mason, I miss you.
You're not...
Mom.
Don't let them put me in a nursing home.
Please, Mason, please.
I just want to go home.
You said you wouldn't leave me.
You left me to die in there.
You're right, I did.
I could have helped pay the mortgage,
I could have saved your house, but...
instead I helped sell it and pocketed the cash.
Every bad thing that has ever been said about me
is true.
And I am so, so sorry.
So, we're gonna make a deal.
Me, instead of them.
[Scarlett's voice] No deal.
You'll never get rid of us.
We are all.
And now, so am I.
Me, instead of them.
Take the deal.
[ghost growls]
Take the deal!
[demonic screaming]
[Jim screams]
Jim! Jim!
Jim, Claire's body is buried in Everpine,
just off Route 12.
Tell that to the police.
Tell them I did it.
Now, go. Now!
[hopeful music plays]
♪
[music crescendos, stops]
[thunder rumbling]
[lighthearted music plays]
So, this house is a little older,
but you do get a lot of bang for your buck.
It's four bed, one bath.
18,096 square feet.
But it's pretty impressive.
It has some original features,
including a wood fire stove.
So, this could be your house.
[realtor continues indistinctly]
What are you gonna do now?
I don't know.
I guess I have eternity to watch other people's mistakes.
This must be your hell.
How so?
All these people and no one to sell to.
It's more peaceful than I would have imagined.
Being a part of it without all the stress.
Come on, it's not so bad, is it?
Bad?
It fucking sucks.
I can't even have any sugar.
It's better this way. Trust me.
How so?
Sugar will kill you.
[all scream]
Quick!
["Lover Please Stay" by Shtriker Big Band plays]
♪ Got feel it in heaven when my lover's near ♪
♪ Lord, let this moment last for another year ♪
♪ Though today has ended, the night's still young ♪
♪ I'd say ♪
♪ Lover, don't go away ♪
♪ Let it be what I am longing for ♪
♪ Let's fly out from Manhattan ♪
♪ To the California shore ♪
♪ Just to watch the ships at night ♪
♪ On the San Francisco Bay ♪
♪ Oh, lover, please, please stay ♪
♪ Don't say you have to go ♪
♪ Don't say you need to run ♪
♪ I stop the clock on Central Station ♪
♪ And we can have a drink downtown ♪
♪ Let it be the night that I am longing for ♪
♪ Let's fly down south ♪
♪ To Austin or to Ecuador ♪
♪ Just to drink piña colada ♪
♪ On a hot, wet summer's day ♪
♪ Oh, lover, please, please stay ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Oh, lover ♪
♪ Please, please stay ♪
♪ Please stay ♪