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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[upbeat music playing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[crowd cheering]

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[announcer] Put your hands together
for your peerless host,

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Hannah Gadsby!

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-[crowd cheering]
-[upbeat music continues]

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-Hello!
-[music ends]

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Hello, thank you!

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Thank you very much.

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[Hannah giggles]

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Well, my work here is done.

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Thank you. Thank you so much,
London, you beautiful potatoes.

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Look at you all. Big fan.

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Hello, Alexandra Palace. Allie Pallie!

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[crowd cheers]

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The last time Netflix brought
this many trans people together

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was for a protest, so…

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Progress.

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Progress.

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Which is kind of why we're here.

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There is a foundation myth
to this evening.

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We all love a founding myth.

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So I'll bring you in,
bring you into the loop.

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A few years back, Netflix released
an incredibly transphobic comedy special

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from one of their pet "edgelords," and…

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There was a bit of a brouhaha
that followed.

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A big, big, big, big brou-hou-haha.

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And look, to be honest,
I didn't get involved to begin with.

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I…

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I… And I'm not… I'm not proud of this,

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but I'm a bit of a cultural cuck,
you know?

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I'm just like, "Oh no, you go ahead.
I'll be over here…

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watching."

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But then my name got brought into
the conversation, so I'm like, "Oh fuck."

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So…

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Look, what I did was
I penned a very strongly worded letter…

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um, and I addressed it to, uh, Netflix.

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It's called

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biting the hand that feeds you, I believe.

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Or punching up with your teeth,

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which you don't normally get to do twice,

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but I have a good dentist, so there we go.

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Here we are.

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So, look, I won't lie.

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I came a bit strong out of the gate.

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I addressed it
directly to my Netflix daddy.

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I call him my Netflix daddy
because Netflix is like a family.

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Once you're in the fold, it really is.

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It does feel like a family,
a very big family.

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And like most families,
they don't really like their queer kids.

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I addressed it directly
to my Netflix daddy and I said,

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"Fuck you, Ted."

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It's a bit harsh, isn't it?

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But in my defense,
I'm a Capricorn with a Piscean moon…

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and a Cancer rising.

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Which directly translates to autistic.

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So I…

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I don't always get the tone right.

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In that letter, I made various points.

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One of them is, I called Netflix
an amoral algorithm cult, which…

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I stand by.

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And then I mentioned in passing,

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it was just a throwaway mention,

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that I did shits
with more backbone than Ted.

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Now…

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Yeah.

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You're encouraging me now, but,

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you know, I just…

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It probably wasn't the right tone.

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But again, in my defense,

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in my head, it was playful.

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In my head,
I saw a jaunty little turd, you know?

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With impossibly good posture,
possibly a top hat, you know?

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Pure whimsy.

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From my side, pure…

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Did not translate. Um…

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I finished the strongly worded letter
and then I posted it to Instagram.

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Ooh. Like… Like, it wasn't…

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I didn't think it would
blow up in my face there.

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'Cause, like, I didn't phone him directly.

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I didn't rock up to his house.

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I wasn't challenging him to a duel.

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Do you know what I… Like…

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I didn't even post it to Twitter.

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Do you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Twitter.

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Twitter.

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Twitter. Twitter.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I will deadname that chum bucket.

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Now I…

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[audience laughing and cheering loudly]

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[Hannah laughing]

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It was just Instagram,

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but the Russian media
picked it up and ran it.

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I didn't read it.

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Then something marvelous happened.

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Somebody translated the Russian news story

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back into English.

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And my original words
did not survive that loop.

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I no longer
did shits with more "backbone."

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I shit…

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with more "tenacity."

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It's a very different image,
I think you'll agree. Like, it's…

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It's no longer this, is it?

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That is explosive diarrhea
as a bragging point.

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And it does very much sound like
I was challenging him to a duel.

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The other incredible thing
that came out of that brouhaha

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was this evening. That's…

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[crowd cheering]

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Yes.

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Netflix agreed to work with us
to build this evening

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of a whole bunch of fabulous and diverse
genderqueer performers for this evening,

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and I am incredibly excited
to bring this to you.

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It won't fix it. It's not enough.

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Just one night, like…

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You know, come on, you don't
raze the Amazon and plant a tree.

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Like, this is the carbon offset show,
you know what I mean? Like…

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This evening we've got a whole range
of comics from all around the world,

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all sorts of different styles.

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It is a smorgasbord, and I am so excited
to share them all with you this evening.

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Are you ready for that, Allie Pallie?

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-[crowd cheering loudly]
-Yes, you are!

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This first act has come all the way
from the other side of the pond,

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but as an Australian,
I'm not that impressed.

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But they've still made
more of an effort than you, so that's…

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Please make welcome Jes Tom!

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-[crowd cheering]
-[upbeat music playing]

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[music ends]

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Oh my God, what's up, London?

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How are you feeling?

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Wow. Wow, my name is Jes Tom.

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I'm trans. Can you tell?

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Don't answer that!

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That was a test, you're passing. Am I?

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Stupid.

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I am about to hit four years
on testosterone, which explains why…

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[crowd whooping]

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Which explains why I have
the mustache of a school bully.

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I started testosterone
right before the pandemic,

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so it was a long, long time
of being alone in my room,

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just staring at my one neck hair.

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I've been thinking lately, like,

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what if I never grow a beard, just one
long hair that grows longer and longer?

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You can see it from the back of the room.

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Something that happens when you're
on testosterone is you get very horny.

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Which is funny because I already thought
before that I was already horny enough.

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But I shattered that glass ceiling.

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I did. I did.

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You can clap for that.

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-[crowd cheering]
-[Jes] Mm. Mm.

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Lesser-known fact
about testosterone is that

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testosterone can change
people's sexual orientation,

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because sometimes
God likes to play a trick.

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So after an entire lifetime
of being a practicing lesbian,

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for the first time ever,
I find myself attracted to men.

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-[crowd] Ooh.
-[shudders]

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I love how no matter
who's in the audience,

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gay, straight, bi, cis, trans,

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everyone's like, "Oh, that's bad."

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Everyone's like, "Are you okay?"

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It is crazy going from being a lesbian
to being attracted to men.

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I do feel testosterone flipped a switch
in my brain,

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because before,
men just looked like big rectangles to me.

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And now I think
rectangles are really sexy.

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So I'm in this interesting moment
in my life, coming into my sexual peak,

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both as a 16-year-old boy
and a 30-year-old woman.

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I'm in my DTF era, that's "Dyke To Fag."

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Yeah.

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People taking a second to decide
which part of that it's okay to laugh at.

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And I'm learning a lot.

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You know, lesbians and gay men
are extremely culturally different.

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Like, gay men love musicals,
lesbians love trauma.

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And ne'er the twain shall meet.

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I have to learn a lot.

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I have to learn to be gay-man hot,

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and it's hard.

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It's hard. Okay,
are there gay men in this room?

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Oh my God.

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Not enough for you to be safe to cheer.

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It's very hard to be gay-man hot.

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It's much harder to be gay-man hot
than it is to be lesbian hot.

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I'm not saying lesbians aren't hot.
That's not what I'm saying.

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I'm saying lesbians are more open-minded.

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Yeah, you know, like as a lesbian,
the hottest thing I can do

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is know my time and place of birth.

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Maybe have played piano as a child,
really worked out that…

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muscle memory.

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To be gay-man hot,
you have to be a cisgender man

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also on testosterone.

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I'm like, "Doesn't anyone
want to see my charts?"

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"Doesn't anyone care
I'm a Capricorn stellium

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in the 10th house of the public eye?"

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"That used to mean something
where I came from."

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Those credits do not transfer over.

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I'm learning that sexting with men
is very different from sexting with women.

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And if it's weird to you that I,
a non-binary person,

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am doing these "men are like this,
women are like this" type jokes,

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just assume everything
I'm about to say is wrong.

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Okay. That being said,
sexting with women, it's a craft.

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It's got three-act structure.

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It's Aristotelian,

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it's got narrative development,
it's got character arc.

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We grow in the same direction.

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We're different afterwards.

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We've changed together.

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It's beautiful.

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Sexting with men is like a child's
flashcard with a picture of an apple

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that says "apple" underneath.

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But instead of an apple,
it's a dick, and not like…

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not like a nice, clear dick,

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like a dark room, backlit,
with the pilly sweatpants and the flash.

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Men can't read, is what I'm saying.

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They cannot read. [chuckles]

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I'm learning gender is very arbitrary.

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It's based on arbitrary things I do.

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Like, um, I'm a man if I wear a hat,

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I'm a woman
if I order a hibiscus iced tea.

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I get in these awkward situations.

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Using the public restroom is a mess.
I have to do all this gender math.

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What am I wearing on my head?
What did I order at the cafe?

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Controversial statement,
I still prefer to use the women's restroom

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because I'm not an animal.

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You know?

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I'm not… I'm not…

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00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:20,640
I'm not a beast.

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00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:21,960
I'm not a creature.

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I don't wanna go in the men's restroom
and use that haunted stall in the back.

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I don't need to know
what those walls have seen.

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Like, that's not part of my journey.

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I prefer to use the women's restroom,
and what I do is…

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I do still wear a mask in public a lot

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because I care about public health

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and I'm sick of people
falling in love with me everywhere I go.

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It's a burden. You wouldn't understand.

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00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,680
And recently I was at a movie premiere,
brag, and…

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00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:52,760
I was not in the movie.

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My job right now is to show up places
where more famous people are

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00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,520
and be like, "And me!"

239
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,200
"Hannah Gadsby…"

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00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:04,880
So I was at this movie premiere.

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I went to use the women's restroom,

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and a security guard steps in front of me
and goes, "Excuse me."

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"This is the girls' room."

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00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,800
And I was like, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry,

245
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,160
I did not realize you were an ally."

246
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,680
"Oh, I had no idea."

247
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:24,280
"Some cops are good…"
No, I'm just kidding.

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Can you imagine?

249
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:31,280
Do you ever get policed so hard
your identity gets affirmed?

250
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:32,960
Pretty interesting.

251
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:35,320
Guys, I'm Jes Tom. Thank you so much.

252
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,040
You've been amazing.

253
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:39,160
-Thank you.
-[crowd cheering loudly]

254
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,320
Jes Tom!

255
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:52,760
-Yes!
-[crowd cheering]

256
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:58,160
Okay, the next performer,
I'm fairly certain most of you know her.

257
00:15:58,240 --> 00:15:59,840
She's a powerhouse of talent,

258
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:03,960
but it is my hope that a lot more people
will know her and love her.

259
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,040
She's incredible.

260
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,400
Chloe Petts!

261
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,840
-[crowd cheering]
-[upbeat music playing]

262
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:18,760
[music ends]

263
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:20,640
Hello!

264
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:23,000
How's everyone doing?

265
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:24,720
Yes!

266
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:28,120
Oh my gosh, it's so lovely to be here.

267
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,760
My name is Chloe. I'm extraordinarily gay.

268
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,480
Thank you, and whoever cheered, fantastic.

269
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,640
The rest of you homophobes, that's fine.

270
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,640
Where are all my gays at?

271
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,160
A worryingly strong contingent.

272
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:45,120
Where are my straights at?

273
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,560
No, you sound much more ashamed.

274
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:51,320
Correct.

275
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,520
No, I love having straight people in.
Welcome, so nice to have you here.

276
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:59,800
I like to… Well, it's nice to be able to
sort of share our culture with you guys.

277
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,800
Teach you some lingo.
My lingo, very simple.

278
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,520
I'm a masculine lesbian,
very easy for you to understand.

279
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:09,560
All that means is that I get myself into
sort of socially awkward situations.

280
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,520
For example, I went into a hotel.

281
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,280
The hotel assistant said,
"How can I help you, sir?"

282
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,360
And I said, "Listen, babes." [chuckles]

283
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,120
"Don't be embarrassed,
happens all the time. It's madam."

284
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,640
And he goes,
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry, sir."

285
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:27,280
But I love it. It's amazing.

286
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:31,160
It's great because I now get access
to an amazing little thing,

287
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,640
a wonderful little thing
called male privilege.

288
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,760
It's good shit, isn't it, sir?
It's lovely.

289
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:38,280
Give me one of them. Come on.

290
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,720
Jesus fucking Christ…

291
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:48,400
Returned the fist bump,
massive misogynist.

292
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,360
No, I now know
that I've got my own privilege

293
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:59,960
'cause I get access to the greatest term
of endearment in the English language.

294
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:03,400
Cis femme ladies in the room, I'm sorry
you're never gonna experience this.

295
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,520
The greatest term of endearment
in the English language is this one.

296
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,560
Walk into the chicken shop, vendor says,
"What can I get for you, boss man?"

297
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:12,640
[crowd cheering]

298
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,560
No wonder you boys are fucking confident.

299
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:19,040
I walk out of there feeling like
the CEO of my own goddamn life.

300
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:23,000
Sometimes I go to the shop. They go,
"What can I get you, boss man?"

301
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:24,400
I go, "Nothing, I'm vegetarian."

302
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,600
"You've given me everything I need.
Thank you."

303
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,440
I am a vegetarian. Do we have any in?

304
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,560
Very proud one at the front.

305
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:40,760
Any vegans?

306
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,400
Okay, that's lovely.

307
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,920
There's probably more,
they're just too weak to cheer.

308
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,600
And where are my meat eaters at?

309
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:52,720
Yeah, that's right.

310
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,320
That's the sound of protein.

311
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,840
I… I love you guys.

312
00:18:56,920 --> 00:19:00,760
I wish I was one of you,
'cause I am a vegetarian that does eat,

313
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:02,000
uh, meat.

314
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,000
What happens is, once every three months,

315
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:09,800
I'll just have a tiny little bit of meat,
just try a tiny little piece of meat,

316
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,280
just to see if it tastes
nicer than the climate.

317
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:15,600
But this makes people angry,

318
00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:17,800
'cause they want you
to be morally consistent.

319
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,560
They want you to be one thing,
they want to categorize you.

320
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,720
So they'll be like,
"You're not vegetarian then."

321
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:26,560
"At best, you're a flexitarian.
You're a flexitarian, Chloe."

322
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,840
What I say to these very angry,
belligerent people is this.

323
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:32,600
I spent my late teens, early twenties,

324
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,440
trying a penis once a financial quarter.

325
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,280
Did not make me straight.
It's the same principle.

326
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:52,120
You wouldn't go around calling me
a homoflexual, would you?

327
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,080
I…

328
00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:03,120
It's sort of difficult to know
about my gender identity.

329
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:06,920
'Cause now that I've got male privilege,
I worry that I am gonna be

330
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,920
accidentally toxic towards women.

331
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:12,920
No, sit down! Sit down!

332
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,480
Mate, that was a test, and you fucked it.

333
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,840
Big puppy dog vibes over here.

334
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,520
No, my gender identity,
it's difficult to know.

335
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:36,680
I'd say the place I feel most comfortable
and most myself in all of the world

336
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,320
is on the wedding dance floor.

337
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:43,000
That's 'cause my favorite
mode of transport is via knee slide,

338
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:47,480
surrounded by unprecedented
levels of cleavage. I just love it.

339
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,680
But the world out there's chaotic.
It's difficult to know who I am.

340
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,480
I largely identify as a woman,
but it can be confusing.

341
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,520
On a wedding dance floor,
I know with 100% certainty

342
00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:00,440
that I identify as a man
with a tie on his head.

343
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,440
It's just who I am.

344
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,960
I fucking love weddings so much,
particularly straight weddings.

345
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:11,800
They're so good, because I feel like
I become the hero of the straight wedding.

346
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,200
And I know technically
that should be the bride, but…

347
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,880
Something about being the only woman
that walks into the space in a men's suit

348
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,200
makes those straighties think
you're the most interesting person

349
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:24,720
they've ever met in their life.

350
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:26,640
The women are coming up to you like,

351
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,280
"I had a sexual experience
with a woman once."

352
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,400
The men walk past like,

353
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,480
"I bet she's got some cracking
pale ale recommendations."

354
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,280
It's not just the adults
that get interested in me.

355
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:47,640
It's the kids too. The kids are
the first people to get interested in me.

356
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,960
You have that moment
at a wedding in the afternoon

357
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:52,480
where all the parents
have got absolutely wankered,

358
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:55,880
and the kids are just
running around lawlessly.

359
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,600
They're feral,
it's like Lord of the Flies.

360
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,600
They're snorting lines of sherbet.

361
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:05,640
Shots of SunnyD through their eyeballs.
They've gone absolutely wild.

362
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:08,240
And at that moment,
there becomes this power vacuum

363
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,400
that any adult can step into if they wish,

364
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,520
and become king of the children.

365
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,760
It is very easy to become
king of the children.

366
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,560
They're easy to impress.
Show them Candy Crush on your phone,

367
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,320
they are following you around
like you're the Pied Piper.

368
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:26,840
You've got this gang of children to do
your bidding, to do whatever you like.

369
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:31,280
So I get them to sort of stockpile
all the party poppers for later use.

370
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:34,360
You know, hold my beer
while I'm doing the Macarena.

371
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,240
Sometimes I'll get them in a minivan
to go see Frozen: The Musical

372
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,600
so it doesn't look weird
that I've gone on my own again.

373
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,200
But then they all go to bed,

374
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:48,160
and the next people to get interested
in me at the wedding are the straight men,

375
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:52,240
'cause they've seen the fun the kids
are having and they want in on the action.

376
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:56,400
Because, you know, what are men
if not children that got big?

377
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,040
And then all the straight blokes,

378
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:03,800
they all sort of, like, circle me
like a YO! Sushi conveyor belt.

379
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,520
And I can pluck off whichever I wish.

380
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:08,120
It's never a good quality of man.

381
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,080
It's always just, like,
some guy called Josh who's like,

382
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,160
"My name's Josh,
my main interests are finance, Bitcoin,

383
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,720
and wearing no socks
with my trainers and loafers."

384
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:21,680
And I'll go, "Hey, Josh,
nice to meet you mate, you all right?"

385
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:25,960
And Josh, who'll be the most boring man
you've ever met in your life,

386
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:29,120
100% of the time,
he'll introduce you to his girlfriend

387
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:30,920
who is the most stunning,

388
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:35,640
talented, beautiful woman
you've ever seen in your life.

389
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:38,920
I'm looking at her like, "Blink twice
if you need me to get you out of this."

390
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:44,200
"There's a whole community of lesbians
that I can take you to."

391
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,800
"It will be an honor and a privilege."

392
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,240
I'm like, "What is it
that you even like about Josh?"

393
00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:57,760
She'll be like, "I dunno, he's sweet.
He always remembers my mum's birthday."

394
00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:01,720
I'll be like, "The lesbians could do that,
and give you an orgasm too. Come with me."

395
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:10,000
I've realized,
with much experience at weddings,

396
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:11,840
why the straight men love me so much,

397
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:15,680
and it's because I'm useful to them
during the bouquet throw.

398
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:17,760
We all know the bouquet throw.

399
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,840
I'm going to explain it in case there are
people with cultural differences.

400
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:24,200
The bouquet throw is the bit
where all the unmarried women

401
00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:25,920
gather on the wedding dance floor.

402
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,320
The bride stands in front of them,
her back to them.

403
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,960
She'll throw her bouquet of flowers
into the sea of unmarried women.

404
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,120
Whichever one catches it first
is the next one to be sold off.

405
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,360
Obviously I'm fucking incredible
at the bouquet throw.

406
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,040
I'm massive,
I've got a thirst for straight blood.

407
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,520
Last year I went to three weddings,
I caught five bouquets.

408
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:51,280
I wish you could see it.

409
00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:54,120
I let the unmarried women
go ahead of me to the dance floor,

410
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:55,720
and they gather, they congregate,

411
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,800
and it's all bristling with tension.

412
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:00,320
They're going,
"I wonder which one of us it's gonna be."

413
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:02,720
"I really hope it's me."

414
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,320
"I've been practicing
in the garden all year."

415
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,520
And then I'll stomp on.

416
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:11,920
Prosecco glasses start shaking.

417
00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:14,600
Nana starts crying.

418
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:19,080
One of the unmarried women's going,
"You sure you're in the right category?"

419
00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:20,440
[giggling nervously]

420
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:22,800
I'm going, "Yep.
Throw my fucking flowers."

421
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:26,800
The bride will throw the flowers,
and all the straight men I've befriended

422
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:29,640
will flock around me
and lift me like a rugby line-out.

423
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:36,440
You've been absolutely amazing.
I'm Chloe Petts. Good night, thank you!

424
00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:39,800
-[crowd cheering loudly]
-[upbeat music playing]

425
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:43,760
Yeah.

426
00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:45,720
Chloe Petts!

427
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,400
-[music ends]
-Yes!

428
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:51,360
Indeed!

429
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,680
See what I'm talking about?

430
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:56,640
You're a bit keen, mate.

431
00:25:58,760 --> 00:25:59,760
[Hannah snickers]

432
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:05,320
I need you all to know, he's not a plant.

433
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:08,920
Like, just… keen.

434
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:11,440
Your name…

435
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,120
Your name's not Josh, is it?

436
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:18,840
-Yes, yeah, that's it.
-[crowd cheering]

437
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:20,080
All right.

438
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:25,480
Next, we have
an amazing performer from New York.

439
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:30,080
Understated magnificence.
Please get that energy going

440
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:32,440
for Asha Ward!

441
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,520
-[crowd cheering]
-[upbeat music playing]

442
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:42,360
[music ends]

443
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:46,840
Whoa, what's up, London?

444
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,240
[crowd whooping]

445
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:51,400
This is cool, it's awesome to be here.

446
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,960
[scattered whoops followed by laughter]

447
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:58,400
I'm not going to lie,
I got too high before this.

448
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:05,040
So it's feeling crazy to me.

449
00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:08,120
But you guys like weed though, right?
You guys smoke weed here.

450
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:09,960
[crowd whooping]

451
00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:12,720
I love weed, but I feel like
it's time for me to cut back

452
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,320
the amount of weed I'm smoking.

453
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:19,640
'Cause I feel like the amount of weed
I'm smoking is making me, uh, stupid.

454
00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:26,040
The other day, my friend was telling me
about their struggle with body dysmorphia,

455
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:28,360
and I was like, "Aw, lucky."

456
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,400
I was like, "Aw, lucky,
you could rob a bank with that."

457
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:41,800
That's what I said.

458
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,080
Apparently body dysmorphia
is not what it sounds like.

459
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:02,440
I thought they were telling me
they were a shape-shifter.

460
00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:12,600
I was like, "Damn, that's great news."

461
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:18,680
No, but I really have cut back
the amount of weed I'm smoking.

462
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:22,840
And it's cool. Like, I've had
the motivation to do so much more

463
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:23,840
ketamine.

464
00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:30,800
I love ketamine.

465
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:33,680
I can't keep ketamine
or Pop-Tarts in the house.

466
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:40,360
Now, instead of saying
I'm addicted to something,

467
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,680
I'm just saying,
"Oh, I can't keep that in the house."

468
00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:50,840
I knew I was doing too many nose drugs
when I started saying shit like,

469
00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:53,800
"They need to start making cocaine
for plus-sized people."

470
00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:06,040
I was unemployed for a while,
believe it or not.

471
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:10,560
I'd reach the deepest level
of unemployment,

472
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:13,920
and that's when you start
making beats on your computer.

473
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:20,720
And then after a while,
they start sounding good.

474
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:29,560
It's wild 'cause I, like, got into
music production by way of Four Loko.

475
00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:33,560
If you don't know,
that's an alcohol for people

476
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:36,120
who don't really care about life or death.

477
00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:41,240
You ever get so drunk
you open up GarageBand, fuck around,

478
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:43,720
make some shit that sound like Avicii?

479
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:47,840
That's what I was doing.

480
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:51,360
I had so much free time, it was crazy.

481
00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:54,320
I, like, signed up for a kickboxing class.

482
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:56,760
I had to immediately quit.

483
00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:00,560
'Cause, like,
a fully grown man beat my ass.

484
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:06,240
I was like,
"Damn, that doesn't feel legal."

485
00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:10,400
"That feels really illegal."

486
00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:13,480
It's crazy.

487
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:19,280
I used to work at a pediatric dentistry.

488
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:23,400
What if I was like,
"And I was the dentist"?

489
00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:30,960
No, just kidding. I worked the front desk,
like a normal person.

490
00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:35,000
I like to hit my dab pen there.

491
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:38,880
There's something about getting high
and watching kids go to the dentist.

492
00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:45,920
It's like watching a nature documentary.

493
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:53,320
But I knew I wasn't going to last
for very long at that job,

494
00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:56,840
'cause, well, one day I got an email
with the subject line "fax machine."

495
00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:58,080
All caps.

496
00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:01,760
So I click on it.
I'm like, "What could it be?"

497
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:04,880
It's just one sentence.

498
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:07,840
Uh, "Who got butter in the fax machine?"

499
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:14,760
I've yet to confess,

500
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,720
but my previous employers know
I'm the only one who worked there

501
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:20,920
that's not afraid to eat crab legs
in professional settings.

502
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:25,280
It's not looking good for me.

503
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:30,880
Before that, I used to teach improv
at a Jewish summer camp,

504
00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:33,560
which is wild,

505
00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:37,040
'cause I don't do improv
and I'm not Jewish.

506
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:44,200
That's the power of networking.

507
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:54,160
My dad is also gay,
which is very nuanced of me, I know.

508
00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:57,720
We're the only two gay people
in the family,

509
00:31:57,800 --> 00:32:00,200
so it feels like we're coworkers.

510
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:03,560
You know?

511
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:08,840
I've only dated one man,
and when he cheated on me,

512
00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:11,120
I pretended to be mad about it.

513
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:19,040
I was like,
"You're gonna be in big trouble, mister."

514
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:29,040
I'm also just, like,
bad at dating in general,

515
00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:31,840
because I'm bad at flirting,
especially like by text.

516
00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:35,600
'Cause I'm just so excited
that whoever I'm into is also into me.

517
00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:38,080
I remember one time
I was texting this girl I like.

518
00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:40,480
She texted me,
told me she wanted to give me head.

519
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:42,400
I was like, "My God, that's great news."

520
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:44,640
"I gotta go tell my family."

521
00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:56,600
I'm also, like,
bad at giving dating advice,

522
00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:58,400
'cause I'm crazy.

523
00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:02,640
Like one time my friend told me,
she was like,

524
00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:07,080
"The guy I like hasn't texted me back,
but he's active on Instagram."

525
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:08,920
I was like, "Man, that's crazy."

526
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:11,280
"Have you tried
reaching out to his mother?"

527
00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:20,600
"She know where he at."

528
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:24,760
"Send her ass a DM on Candy Crush."

529
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:28,560
You know?

530
00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:31,760
You know what's embarrassing
that shouldn't be embarrassing?

531
00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:34,280
Taking deep breaths.

532
00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:43,240
You ever had somebody walk in on you
while you were taking some deep breaths?

533
00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:53,000
Especially if they catch you on an exhale.

534
00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:58,840
Like, why does it feel like
you just saw my butthole?

535
00:34:01,520 --> 00:34:03,040
That's insane.

536
00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:08,760
I've also been getting drunk more often,

537
00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:12,440
but not in the unhealthy way, you know?
Like, in the fun way, right?

538
00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:14,080
Like, by myself.

539
00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:19,040
And it's wild 'cause I, like, have a dog.

540
00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:21,720
I can't walk the dog while I'm drunk.
It's too much.

541
00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:24,600
I start swinging her shit like a purse.

542
00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:31,200
She starts barking at people.

543
00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:34,400
I start yelling at them too.
Like, "Fuck it, who we mad at?"

544
00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:38,360
Thank you, my name's Asha Ward.

545
00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:40,640
[crowd cheering]

546
00:34:40,720 --> 00:34:43,280
[Hannah] Give it up one more time
for Asha Ward!

547
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:44,800
[upbeat music playing]

548
00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:48,240
I'm incredibly excited
to bring this next performer out.

549
00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:51,120
Please welcome to the stage DeAnne Smith!

550
00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:55,480
[music ends]

551
00:34:56,960 --> 00:34:59,560
Yes. Yes, let's get straight into it.

552
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:02,080
[scattered whooping]

553
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:07,720
Guys, I think it's weird
that Russians are so anti-gay.

554
00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:11,600
I mean, they invented the concept

555
00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:12,800
of a woman

556
00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:14,640
inside a woman,

557
00:35:15,240 --> 00:35:16,680
inside a woman,

558
00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:18,600
inside…

559
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:25,720
I knew you would get it.

560
00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:29,200
I didn't even have to do
the hand gestures. Good work!

561
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:32,600
Okay. First joke is out there.

562
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:35,240
This is good. Things are going well.

563
00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:36,880
I, uh…

564
00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:41,520
[groans] I struggle with anxiety, guys.
That's happening for me all the time.

565
00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:44,400
It's happening in this moment.
But I'm also…

566
00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:47,440
I don't want to say that anymore
because it sounds so negative.

567
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:50,200
I wanna rebrand it.
I don't wanna say "struggle" anymore.

568
00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:52,720
If you have that problem,
do what I'm trying to do.

569
00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:56,200
From now on,
I don't say, "I struggle with anxiety."

570
00:35:56,760 --> 00:35:58,320
I say, "My mind

571
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:01,520
sparkles with imaginary danger."

572
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:11,280
It's powerful,
it's magical, it's mysterious.

573
00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:17,480
And I tend to set the stakes
for everything that I do way too high.

574
00:36:18,240 --> 00:36:22,080
Like, right now I feel crushed

575
00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:25,360
by the responsibility
of having a microphone

576
00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:27,960
at this moment in history.

577
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:33,960
Anything less than
calling for global revolution

578
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:38,240
feels a bit self-indulgent,
you know what I mean?

579
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:40,800
Yeah.

580
00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:44,320
Okay, we're all on board.

581
00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:47,440
I hope we all agree
what that means when I say that.

582
00:36:48,240 --> 00:36:50,840
It's like, what am I going to do,
talk about boobs?

583
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:55,040
I got top surgery not that long ago.

584
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:57,760
-I am!
-[crowd cheering]

585
00:36:57,840 --> 00:36:59,360
Sure, thank you!

586
00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:01,560
And if you don't know what that means,

587
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:05,200
that means that I used to have boobs,
and then through no fault of their own,

588
00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:06,600
I got 'em gone.

589
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:09,600
And people like to celebrate that,

590
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:14,640
but I didn't do
a good thing for us collectively.

591
00:37:14,720 --> 00:37:16,400
I did a very selfish thing.

592
00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:19,000
Right now in this room,

593
00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:20,920
we are down

594
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:23,480
one sick rack.

595
00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:26,960
I did that to us, you guys, I did that.

596
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:30,200
We need every bit of joy
we can get in this world,

597
00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:33,240
and I yoinked it…
I yoinked it away from us.

598
00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:35,720
And for what?

599
00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:37,240
I'm not gonna transition.

600
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:38,480
This is it.

601
00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:40,520
This is the final form.

602
00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:42,960
Just this weird little guy.

603
00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:44,360
[crowd whooping]

604
00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:47,040
Yeah, sure. All right. All right!

605
00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:48,520
[crowd cheering]

606
00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:49,680
Don't…

607
00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:55,920
Calm down, lesbians, I…

608
00:37:56,760 --> 00:38:01,240
But weird little guy is my gender identity
and you must respect it.

609
00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:07,720
I've been getting they/them'd
against my will since 2005, all right?

610
00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:11,080
I feel beyond the conversation
that's happening.

611
00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:14,640
I'm just trying to have fun with it,
but not everybody is.

612
00:38:14,720 --> 00:38:19,360
I met somebody that was like,
"Hi, I'm Jess. She/her."

613
00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:20,480
Very sincere.

614
00:38:21,240 --> 00:38:22,760
And I answered,

615
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:25,080
"DeAnne. Weird little guy."

616
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:30,000
And then I got to see Jess melt down.

617
00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:34,360
Jess was like, "Weird little guy, okay.
Gotta remember it and respect it."

618
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:36,680
You don't.

619
00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:41,720
We don't have to respect everything
the they/thems are doing, you guys.

620
00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:44,600
I've made some wild choices.

621
00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:49,200
During top surgery,
I opted for no nipples.

622
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:51,080
Did you even know you could do that?

623
00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:54,520
I stand before you nipple-less.

624
00:38:56,680 --> 00:38:59,400
Here's the thing.
During the surgery, they come off.

625
00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:01,480
They're off. They're over there.

626
00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:05,480
And then they want to reshape them
into "man nipples."

627
00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:07,880
I don't know what that means.

628
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:10,000
Better paid?

629
00:39:10,080 --> 00:39:10,920
What is it…

630
00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:13,640
What's a…

631
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:22,880
Man nipples, they just
absolutely dominate a conversation.

632
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:24,200
Like, what…

633
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:27,200
Man nipples. I don't need man nipples.

634
00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:28,760
That's not the energy.

635
00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:33,360
I want my gender to be
almost the same exact feeling you get

636
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:36,280
when you look at the word
"zucchini" spelled out.

637
00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:39,400
I just want you to go…

638
00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:45,040
"Is that right?"

639
00:39:47,440 --> 00:39:50,160
"It's kind of cool though.
C-C-H right in the middle."

640
00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:53,080
"Not a lot of things are doing that."

641
00:39:54,240 --> 00:39:56,400
"Maybe it's Italian." I…

642
00:39:59,320 --> 00:40:00,960
Do me a favor just for a minute.

643
00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:02,320
Please just indulge me.

644
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:05,120
All I'm asking is that
you think about your own nipples.

645
00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:07,920
Just think about your own nipples.

646
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:09,280
And I don't know your lives.

647
00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:12,600
Maybe you came to a comedy show tonight
to forget about your nipples,

648
00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:16,040
just to be free of the burden,
but think about them.

649
00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:18,800
They look weird, right? They look weird.

650
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,960
They look weird.
They're weird looking. They look weird.

651
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:25,840
And you don't need nipples, you guys.

652
00:40:25,920 --> 00:40:27,000
You don't need them.

653
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:30,240
It's just what the people at Big Nip
want you to think, but you don't…

654
00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:32,280
You don't need…

655
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:36,520
Listen, I like talking about this stuff

656
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:39,960
because I would hope that maybe
you would feel a little bit empowered

657
00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:42,880
and just remember
that your body is your own, you know?

658
00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:45,240
In a room this size,
there has to be somebody

659
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:49,240
who's wavering on a haircut or thinking
about getting a tattoo or something.

660
00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:50,280
I would just say,

661
00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:53,040
go ahead and do it, you fucking pussies.

662
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:57,400
I have… I have no nipples right now.
Do you understand that?

663
00:40:57,480 --> 00:41:02,040
Do you understand
that I have zero nipples?

664
00:41:02,120 --> 00:41:03,080
No nipples.

665
00:41:06,160 --> 00:41:07,840
When I take off my shirt,

666
00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:10,960
it looks like I'm just wearing
another flesh-colored shirt.

667
00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:13,520
Like, it's weird. It's weird.

668
00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:16,960
You'll know something's off,
but you might not know what right away.

669
00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:20,520
You'll just be like,
"Did you shave your eyebrows?"

670
00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:23,920
It has that energy.

671
00:41:27,600 --> 00:41:29,640
When I'm cold, you'll never even know.

672
00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:35,280
I could…

673
00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:36,880
I have left open the possibility.

674
00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:40,160
I could get tattoos later on.

675
00:41:40,240 --> 00:41:42,520
Visually, if it needs it,
I could get tattoos.

676
00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:44,720
My best idea right now

677
00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:46,120
is a QR code.

678
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:51,080
Scan it, and it goes
to an NFT of my old nipple.

679
00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:52,080
Is that fun?

680
00:41:52,160 --> 00:41:54,880
It's just spinning, disembodied.

681
00:41:58,240 --> 00:42:01,080
What an incredible image
to place in your minds.

682
00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:06,760
Okay, before I go,
I want to take this opportunity to say,

683
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:10,040
if you don't believe me
about the sick rack,

684
00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:12,800
there is photographic evidence.

685
00:42:14,160 --> 00:42:15,800
And you can email me…

686
00:42:17,400 --> 00:42:20,280
at siiickrack@gmail.com.

687
00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:24,440
That's "sick" with three I's,
and I'm dead serious.

688
00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:25,520
Thank you.

689
00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:28,080
[crowd cheering]

690
00:42:29,160 --> 00:42:31,160
[upbeat music playing]

691
00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:34,760
[Hannah] DeAnne Smith!

692
00:42:36,120 --> 00:42:37,080
Yeah!

693
00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:40,040
[music ends]

694
00:42:40,120 --> 00:42:41,840
Absolutely!

695
00:42:41,920 --> 00:42:44,240
It… It was a sick rack.

696
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:46,960
I miss it.

697
00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:54,880
I'm personally quite excited about

698
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:56,840
the new conversation around gender.

699
00:42:56,920 --> 00:43:01,160
I like that there's a lot more variety
of ways to identify,

700
00:43:01,240 --> 00:43:04,240
'cause it felt a bit
claustrophobic for me in the past.

701
00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:08,120
I still don't… I still don't know what…
[grumbling]

702
00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:13,360
Haven't picked a team. Um…

703
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:17,920
You know, "gender-fluid," but also… [gags]

704
00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:19,280
But, you know?

705
00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:21,440
It's…

706
00:43:21,520 --> 00:43:22,680
That's a me thing.

707
00:43:26,600 --> 00:43:30,600
"Non-binary" works, kind of, in theory,

708
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:34,360
but the term "non-binary" distresses me.

709
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:40,560
Because to define yourself
by something you are not…

710
00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:45,960
is the cornerstone of binary thinking.

711
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:47,000
And…

712
00:43:54,160 --> 00:43:57,320
If I was to make up a gender for myself,
it would be gender-surprised.

713
00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:02,960
Because it doesn't matter
how people gender me.

714
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:06,360
I get the whole set every day, you know?

715
00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:10,280
She/her, he/him, they/them, every day.

716
00:44:10,360 --> 00:44:11,960
Do you know? And, like…

717
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:14,920
And none of them offend me,
but all of them surprise me.

718
00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:16,720
They… It's…

719
00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:19,880
So I'm like, "Okay, no, I'll have a go."

720
00:44:22,120 --> 00:44:27,200
Every interaction with a stranger
is like a tiny gender reveal party for me.

721
00:44:31,000 --> 00:44:34,440
I'm just not attached to the bits at all.

722
00:44:34,520 --> 00:44:37,840
Like, but also, that goes beyond

723
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:40,120
the sexual bits.

724
00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:41,320
All of my bits.

725
00:44:41,400 --> 00:44:43,760
I've had my tonsils out, I've had…

726
00:44:44,720 --> 00:44:48,080
I don't care. I don't.
I've never thought of them since.

727
00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:49,480
I've had my appendix out.

728
00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:51,840
My gall bladder, fuck off! Like, it's…

729
00:44:53,880 --> 00:44:56,800
If someone told me tomorrow
I have to have my uterus out,

730
00:44:56,880 --> 00:44:58,560
don't care. Throw it on the heap.

731
00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:04,120
I'll hang onto
the bottle opener though, 'cause…

732
00:45:04,200 --> 00:45:05,200
I get…

733
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:10,120
I get a lot of use out of that. I…

734
00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:19,000
I think it's adorable
how so many men are all of a sudden

735
00:45:19,080 --> 00:45:22,600
very concerned about women's sport.

736
00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:26,280
That's… new.

737
00:45:27,240 --> 00:45:28,520
That's real new.

738
00:45:28,600 --> 00:45:32,040
Like, the idea that men
are transitioning to become women

739
00:45:32,120 --> 00:45:35,520
so they can dominate women's sports.

740
00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:40,120
Like, you know, picking up all those
amazing perks you get in women's sports.

741
00:45:40,680 --> 00:45:42,600
All those perks!

742
00:45:44,600 --> 00:45:46,120
All those perks like…

743
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:48,600
Women get all the perks in women's…

744
00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:50,920
They get kisses and everything. Who…

745
00:45:54,720 --> 00:45:57,760
Who wouldn't want a kiss?
Her, apparently. Ungrateful.

746
00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:04,840
I think it's really disingenuous,
you know,

747
00:46:04,920 --> 00:46:07,000
'cause in 2012,

748
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:09,280
a horse

749
00:46:10,440 --> 00:46:13,440
won Australia's Sportswoman of the Year.

750
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:18,760
Fucking horse!

751
00:46:24,800 --> 00:46:28,360
Don't worry about chromosomes,
that bitch has four legs…

752
00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:33,920
and is also a horse!

753
00:46:36,640 --> 00:46:41,400
Very excited to bring
this next guest out in front of you.

754
00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:43,280
All the way from, Portland, Oregon,

755
00:46:43,360 --> 00:46:45,360
Mx. Dahlia Belle!

756
00:46:45,440 --> 00:46:47,440
-[crowd cheering]
-[upbeat music playing]

757
00:46:56,800 --> 00:46:58,480
-Thank you.
-[music ends]

758
00:46:59,080 --> 00:47:00,680
Thank you so much.

759
00:47:00,760 --> 00:47:02,200
You're all so kind.

760
00:47:02,280 --> 00:47:04,600
I do apologize right up front

761
00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:08,000
because I know our time together
is very brief this evening,

762
00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:13,640
but I am under contractual obligation
to let you know that I know

763
00:47:13,720 --> 00:47:18,840
the difference between myself
and a non-transgender woman.

764
00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:23,560
And I'm very careful
to always say "non-transgender,"

765
00:47:23,640 --> 00:47:29,080
because I've been informed
that "cisgender" is considered a slur…

766
00:47:31,520 --> 00:47:34,520
by people who don't understand
how slurs work.

767
00:47:44,560 --> 00:47:48,680
Throughout my life,
I have been called a great many things

768
00:47:48,760 --> 00:47:52,440
of which I have not been
particularly fond.

769
00:47:52,920 --> 00:47:58,280
But only a select few
have actually qualified as slurs.

770
00:47:58,360 --> 00:48:02,000
Like back when I was in school,
kids used to call me a butt pirate.

771
00:48:03,840 --> 00:48:07,280
And that one's kind of cute.
I'm not mad at it, I'm really not.

772
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:10,360
Although I will admit
I do personally prefer

773
00:48:10,440 --> 00:48:12,600
"booty bandit" or "bum burglar,"

774
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:15,960
but we can't all be great writers,
now, can we?

775
00:48:17,400 --> 00:48:19,520
All the same… All the same,

776
00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:23,160
the day an unprovoked gang
of nigger tranny fags

777
00:48:23,240 --> 00:48:26,200
hurl bricks at someone
while shouting "cisgender,"

778
00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:28,040
it will be a slur.

779
00:48:30,000 --> 00:48:32,480
Until that day, however,

780
00:48:32,560 --> 00:48:35,680
people are just being
whiny little bitches about an adjective.

781
00:48:35,760 --> 00:48:37,920
[crowd cheering]

782
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:43,320
It's gonna be all right. It will be okay.

783
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:46,800
And here's how I know
it's going to be okay,

784
00:48:46,880 --> 00:48:50,920
'cause how would we even know
someone isn't transgender? How?

785
00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:54,880
Trans people, we're not really known
for trying to inspect everyone's genitals.

786
00:48:54,960 --> 00:48:58,440
That is strictly
a straight people pastime.

787
00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:00,640
We… We don't care. [tittering]

788
00:49:03,800 --> 00:49:07,720
All the same, I know how important it is

789
00:49:07,800 --> 00:49:10,640
for you to know that I know

790
00:49:11,440 --> 00:49:13,080
that hundreds of years from now,

791
00:49:13,160 --> 00:49:15,760
assuming we haven't
all killed ourselves off,

792
00:49:16,680 --> 00:49:20,320
were someone to dig up my remains
for some inexplicable reason,

793
00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:25,480
they would be able to determine
that I had been born male

794
00:49:26,080 --> 00:49:28,720
and lived my life as a woman,

795
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:31,360
because that's how archaeology works.

796
00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:33,360
Also,

797
00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:34,880
I'll be dead.

798
00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:38,520
So dysphorian misgendering
won't really matter at that point.

799
00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:42,960
But what I know that you might not know

800
00:49:43,040 --> 00:49:46,480
is that I intend to be cremated,
so none of that shit matters.

801
00:49:53,240 --> 00:49:55,280
True story. [tittering]

802
00:49:57,560 --> 00:50:02,760
But in the meantime,
right here and now in the present tense,

803
00:50:02,840 --> 00:50:06,120
I still need you to know that I know

804
00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:10,240
I will never ovulate,
I will never menstruate,

805
00:50:10,320 --> 00:50:13,160
I will never get pregnant,
I will never give birth.

806
00:50:13,240 --> 00:50:17,480
I just get a vagina with none of
the obstacles or inconveniences.

807
00:50:17,560 --> 00:50:19,520
[crowd laughing and cheering]

808
00:50:22,520 --> 00:50:25,400
It's fine. That's fine. I'm fine with it.

809
00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:28,280
I'm not trying to do extra labor.
I'm an underachiever.

810
00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:34,800
But there are people that genuinely
do believe that I'm trying to steal

811
00:50:34,880 --> 00:50:38,920
the entire concept of womanhood
away from them,

812
00:50:39,000 --> 00:50:44,080
when in reality, all I actually want to do
is take very specific aspects of womanhood

813
00:50:44,840 --> 00:50:46,320
off your hands.

814
00:50:47,160 --> 00:50:50,400
And as far as I can tell,
it's shit you don't even want.

815
00:50:50,480 --> 00:50:55,640
You know, things like being infantilized,
being objectified, dehumanized,

816
00:50:55,720 --> 00:50:59,200
and awkwardly propositioned
by a man who's not actually your type,

817
00:50:59,280 --> 00:51:01,280
but you are at the peak of a dry spell,

818
00:51:01,360 --> 00:51:05,160
and you did leave the house
without panties on, just in case.

819
00:51:08,240 --> 00:51:12,400
An adequate, by which I mean consenting,
man might sweep you off your feet

820
00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:15,680
and into the single-occupancy,
gender-neutral restroom

821
00:51:15,760 --> 00:51:17,880
of your preferred brunch establishment,

822
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:21,560
where you can take
two bumps of ketamine, a hit of poppers,

823
00:51:21,640 --> 00:51:26,000
and make sweet, passionate,
romantic love on or against the sink.

824
00:51:26,080 --> 00:51:27,400
We've all been there.

825
00:51:28,160 --> 00:51:32,320
We've all been there, but you don't
want to do it and I do. And that's…

826
00:51:34,160 --> 00:51:37,120
That's the fundamental difference
between us.

827
00:51:39,080 --> 00:51:45,640
Obviously, factory-default vaginas
are the divine gateway of life.

828
00:51:45,720 --> 00:51:48,520
Our species could not exist without them.

829
00:51:48,600 --> 00:51:50,520
I will never take that away from you,

830
00:51:50,600 --> 00:51:52,120
because I don't want to.

831
00:51:54,880 --> 00:51:56,760
And also,

832
00:51:56,840 --> 00:52:00,360
there are plenty of things
an aftermarket vagina can do

833
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:03,480
that a stock vagina cannot,

834
00:52:04,440 --> 00:52:09,240
like destroy the fabric
of Western civilization as we know it.

835
00:52:11,240 --> 00:52:13,760
Only my pussy does that!

836
00:52:13,840 --> 00:52:15,560
Only mine.

837
00:52:16,720 --> 00:52:18,240
Only my pussy

838
00:52:18,320 --> 00:52:22,480
can murder the little baby Jesus
before he even has a chance

839
00:52:23,240 --> 00:52:26,480
to start an apocalyptic death cult
and ruin the world.

840
00:52:27,640 --> 00:52:29,520
That's miracle pussy.

841
00:52:31,040 --> 00:52:33,760
That is how I define good pussy.

842
00:52:39,240 --> 00:52:45,640
I do also realize, of course, that
that last joke may offend some Christians,

843
00:52:45,720 --> 00:52:49,600
and it is very important to me
that you know

844
00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:51,960
that I don't care.

845
00:52:58,400 --> 00:53:01,520
I have also, however, been informed

846
00:53:01,600 --> 00:53:05,320
that it is apparently
socially unacceptable

847
00:53:05,400 --> 00:53:09,400
to make fun of the shape
and/or size of a man's penis,

848
00:53:09,480 --> 00:53:13,840
and that's going to be
a hard one for me to swallow, because…

849
00:53:21,320 --> 00:53:24,360
if you've ever taken a dick or two,
from time to time…

850
00:53:24,440 --> 00:53:26,960
And you don't have to take
both dicks at the same time.

851
00:53:27,040 --> 00:53:28,720
We can't all be about that life.

852
00:53:28,800 --> 00:53:33,360
But if you do happen to take
a dick or two,

853
00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:39,760
from time to time you're going to meet
a kind, caring, compassionate man

854
00:53:39,840 --> 00:53:42,240
whose dick is trash.

855
00:53:43,880 --> 00:53:44,920
Like, in the bedroom.

856
00:53:45,000 --> 00:53:47,200
In any other situation,
all penises are equal.

857
00:53:47,280 --> 00:53:49,040
But in the bedroom, his is…

858
00:53:49,120 --> 00:53:51,120
Lousy, bad, no good.

859
00:53:53,040 --> 00:53:55,400
But he is still a good man.

860
00:53:55,480 --> 00:53:57,640
You might even marry that good fella.

861
00:53:58,320 --> 00:54:01,520
And on the other hand,
if you take enough dicks,

862
00:54:01,600 --> 00:54:05,640
from time to time, you're going to meet
a man with a perfect dick.

863
00:54:05,720 --> 00:54:07,440
The dick of legends.

864
00:54:08,520 --> 00:54:10,560
The dick your mom told you about.

865
00:54:14,320 --> 00:54:17,080
The dick that almost
made her leave your father.

866
00:54:18,280 --> 00:54:21,000
Don't worry, we're all going
to split into small groups later

867
00:54:21,080 --> 00:54:23,000
to process that information.

868
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:27,240
But for now, I regret to tell you that

869
00:54:27,320 --> 00:54:31,640
that delectable specimen
of penile perfection

870
00:54:31,720 --> 00:54:35,520
is all too often
attached to a giant sack of shit.

871
00:54:42,280 --> 00:54:47,120
And that, dear friends,
brings us to the fundamental difference

872
00:54:47,200 --> 00:54:51,000
between a transgender
and a non-transgender man.

873
00:54:51,520 --> 00:54:56,080
'Cause if you meet a kind, caring,
compassionate transgender man,

874
00:54:56,160 --> 00:54:59,680
he will take you to a store
to buy the dick of your choice.

875
00:55:03,480 --> 00:55:05,200
As it turns out, that's what I wanted.

876
00:55:05,280 --> 00:55:08,560
That's what I wanted the whole time.
Who knew? Who could've guessed?

877
00:55:09,240 --> 00:55:10,720
Who could've guessed?

878
00:55:13,120 --> 00:55:17,680
But here's the thing, ever since Adam
first gaslit Eve into taking the blame…

879
00:55:20,040 --> 00:55:22,440
women like myself,
we've been down on our knees

880
00:55:22,520 --> 00:55:27,840
begging God for an emotionally available,
financially stable man

881
00:55:27,920 --> 00:55:30,040
with modular genitals.

882
00:55:32,400 --> 00:55:34,640
Listen, I'm a busy woman. I am very busy.

883
00:55:34,720 --> 00:55:38,240
I don't always have time
for a whole 30.48 centimeters.

884
00:55:39,920 --> 00:55:41,240
And yes, that is correct.

885
00:55:41,320 --> 00:55:45,480
I, an American, took the time
to do a metric conversion.

886
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:51,440
For one dick joke.

887
00:55:54,960 --> 00:55:57,560
For the viewers at home, that's 12 inches.

888
00:56:00,360 --> 00:56:03,800
Point being, I don't always
have time for all that. I really don't.

889
00:56:03,880 --> 00:56:07,080
Also, I don't know how
the rest of you choose to live your lives,

890
00:56:07,160 --> 00:56:10,280
but one of my favorite things
in the entire world

891
00:56:10,360 --> 00:56:12,840
is pretending to choke on a man's dick.

892
00:56:15,320 --> 00:56:18,480
And my least favorite thing
in the entire world

893
00:56:18,560 --> 00:56:20,040
is choking on a dick.

894
00:56:24,280 --> 00:56:28,960
And with that in mind, I'm going to help
everyone here with a penile partner

895
00:56:29,040 --> 00:56:33,880
take your relationship
to the next level tonight.

896
00:56:35,880 --> 00:56:39,360
Here's what you're going to do.
After the show, what you're gonna do is,

897
00:56:39,440 --> 00:56:42,120
you're going to look your partner
in the eyes…

898
00:56:45,640 --> 00:56:46,680
and you're gonna say,

899
00:56:47,280 --> 00:56:48,200
"Nigga…"

900
00:56:50,320 --> 00:56:53,520
I do need to warn you, of course,
if you or your partner are not Black,

901
00:56:53,600 --> 00:56:56,160
this part's gonna be
extremely uncomfortable.

902
00:56:58,400 --> 00:57:02,560
But you have to follow my instructions
to the letter. So…

903
00:57:06,480 --> 00:57:09,760
So you're going to look your partner
in the eyes.

904
00:57:10,280 --> 00:57:11,880
You're gonna say, "Nigga,

905
00:57:13,200 --> 00:57:14,880
you got a tiny dick."

906
00:57:16,320 --> 00:57:19,440
Now, if your partner gets
all huffy and offended,

907
00:57:19,520 --> 00:57:21,480
acts like a little bitch about it,

908
00:57:21,560 --> 00:57:24,440
I regret to tell you,
you got a tiny-dick nigga on your hands

909
00:57:25,640 --> 00:57:27,800
who probably thinks "cisgender" is a slur.

910
00:57:27,880 --> 00:57:32,760
But, on the other hand, if your partner
just shrugs it off, doesn't care at all,

911
00:57:33,240 --> 00:57:35,400
that nigga's got a giant dick

912
00:57:36,280 --> 00:57:37,600
in their soul.

913
00:57:38,840 --> 00:57:40,840
You've been beautiful, I love you.
Good night!

914
00:57:40,920 --> 00:57:42,920
[crowd cheering]

915
00:57:44,800 --> 00:57:47,560
[upbeat music playing]

916
00:57:50,920 --> 00:57:52,560
Mx. Dahlia Belle!

917
00:57:53,680 --> 00:57:54,920
[music ends]

918
00:57:57,920 --> 00:57:59,280
We're all learning.

919
00:57:59,800 --> 00:58:01,600
We are all learning.

920
00:58:02,080 --> 00:58:04,240
When we were
putting this evening together,

921
00:58:04,320 --> 00:58:06,680
it was very important to me

922
00:58:06,760 --> 00:58:11,720
to really get
a wide spectrum of voices on stage.

923
00:58:11,800 --> 00:58:17,760
Not just gender, but also geography
and tone and experience.

924
00:58:17,840 --> 00:58:22,880
I really wanted to use this moment
to give an opportunity to a new performer,

925
00:58:22,960 --> 00:58:26,960
because when you're genderqueer
in the comedy world,

926
00:58:27,040 --> 00:58:29,240
stage time is not always safe time.

927
00:58:29,320 --> 00:58:32,960
And I'm incredibly excited
to bring this next act,

928
00:58:33,040 --> 00:58:35,160
uh, onto the stage to share with you.

929
00:58:35,240 --> 00:58:38,360
Can we get some energy? Energy from you?

930
00:58:38,440 --> 00:58:40,080
[crowd cheering]

931
00:58:42,400 --> 00:58:46,400
Please make welcome to the stage
the wonderful, the singular

932
00:58:46,480 --> 00:58:47,880
Krishna Istha!

933
00:58:47,960 --> 00:58:49,960
-[crowd cheering]
-[upbeat music playing]

934
00:58:55,360 --> 00:58:56,560
[music ends]

935
00:58:59,400 --> 00:59:00,800
Oh my God, hi.

936
00:59:02,360 --> 00:59:04,280
I'm so excited to be here.

937
00:59:04,360 --> 00:59:06,920
This is honestly such a huge opportunity,

938
00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:08,280
so if I fuck this up…

939
00:59:09,840 --> 00:59:11,840
and you don't find me
funny enough to laugh,

940
00:59:11,920 --> 00:59:13,920
that's cool, don't worry about it.

941
00:59:15,480 --> 00:59:19,720
My personal kink is humiliation,
so this is a win-win situation for me.

942
00:59:20,920 --> 00:59:23,120
As a trans person, in the past,

943
00:59:23,200 --> 00:59:27,240
some people would have said that I was
a man trapped inside a woman's body.

944
00:59:27,320 --> 00:59:28,960
Never really identified with that.

945
00:59:29,040 --> 00:59:31,320
Although, if you think about it,

946
00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:34,200
we were all once trapped
inside a woman's body.

947
00:59:40,200 --> 00:59:43,000
Actually, not all people
who give birth are women.

948
00:59:43,080 --> 00:59:45,400
That was a test, and you all failed!

949
00:59:46,560 --> 00:59:50,160
I'm so disappointed in this room. [tsks]

950
00:59:52,040 --> 00:59:54,680
I've been on testosterone for 10 years.

951
00:59:57,360 --> 01:00:01,080
And one of the side effects
of taking testosterone

952
01:00:01,160 --> 01:00:04,320
is that you get the sudden urge
to try standup comedy.

953
01:00:07,680 --> 01:00:11,080
Did you know the confidence you get
when you walk through the world as a man

954
01:00:11,160 --> 01:00:15,200
is directly proportional to the confidence
you need to try standup comedy?

955
01:00:17,720 --> 01:00:21,800
Which is probably why so many
mediocre white men think they can do it.

956
01:00:28,040 --> 01:00:30,400
Someone once told me
when I first started standup

957
01:00:30,480 --> 01:00:34,160
that it was very important
to define myself clearly straight away,

958
01:00:34,240 --> 01:00:36,840
so that the audience
was open to listening to me.

959
01:00:36,920 --> 01:00:40,120
Apparently all this,
it can be distracting from the "comedy."

960
01:00:41,720 --> 01:00:44,160
But defining yourself is pretty hard

961
01:00:44,240 --> 01:00:48,040
when you're an Indian-American
kinda Australian person living in Britain

962
01:00:48,120 --> 01:00:50,400
who's a transmasculine,
non-binary, bisexual,

963
01:00:50,480 --> 01:00:53,240
polyamorous, dyslexic performance artist!

964
01:00:53,320 --> 01:00:55,640
[crowd cheering]

965
01:01:03,720 --> 01:01:06,600
And there's nothing more confusing
than performance art.

966
01:01:09,080 --> 01:01:12,640
I can't explain performance art
in five minutes, but I'll try!

967
01:01:13,480 --> 01:01:15,920
I hope I fail. Humiliation… Mmm.

968
01:01:18,520 --> 01:01:23,080
So performance art is on the same spectrum
as comedy and sex work.

969
01:01:25,640 --> 01:01:27,880
Comedy and performance art
are exactly the same,

970
01:01:27,960 --> 01:01:29,920
except for one small thing.

971
01:01:30,000 --> 01:01:33,200
The intention with comedy
is for the audience to laugh.

972
01:01:33,280 --> 01:01:34,920
The intention with performance art

973
01:01:35,000 --> 01:01:37,520
is for the audience
to never laugh ever again.

974
01:01:40,040 --> 01:01:42,680
Sex work and performance art
are also very similar.

975
01:01:42,760 --> 01:01:45,360
Insertion of objects is industry standard.

976
01:01:47,080 --> 01:01:48,880
Someone's always naked.

977
01:01:50,440 --> 01:01:53,520
And someone's always thinking,
"When is this going to end?"

978
01:01:58,800 --> 01:02:01,720
Speaking of "when this is going to end,"

979
01:02:01,800 --> 01:02:03,120
I'm in a relationship.

980
01:02:05,840 --> 01:02:08,120
No, he's really great, he's really good.

981
01:02:08,200 --> 01:02:10,880
He's also trans, his name is Joseph.

982
01:02:10,960 --> 01:02:13,880
Well, he's Joseph, but also a Mary.

983
01:02:16,280 --> 01:02:18,960
He's from New Zealand, which is cute.

984
01:02:21,080 --> 01:02:23,720
But his slang, it's a bit confusing.

985
01:02:23,800 --> 01:02:26,040
For example, he says, "Yeah, nah."

986
01:02:28,080 --> 01:02:30,000
The other day I asked,
"Want a cup of tea?"

987
01:02:30,080 --> 01:02:31,360
And he said, "Yeah, nah."

988
01:02:31,440 --> 01:02:33,960
"Nah, yeah? Nah."

989
01:02:35,840 --> 01:02:38,320
Sorry, what is it? Is it a yes or no?

990
01:02:39,520 --> 01:02:41,800
It's as confusing as the Indian head nod.

991
01:02:44,320 --> 01:02:45,560
Pick a side.

992
01:02:46,320 --> 01:02:48,560
Says the non-binary,
bisexual, polyamorous,

993
01:02:48,640 --> 01:02:51,000
Libra rising, multi-hyphenated creative.

994
01:02:55,840 --> 01:02:59,720
When my mum and my boyfriend first met,
they didn't get on.

995
01:02:59,800 --> 01:03:03,240
We went out for breakfast,
and they just wouldn't make eye contact.

996
01:03:03,320 --> 01:03:06,240
They wouldn't speak to each other
unless it was through me.

997
01:03:08,000 --> 01:03:11,480
"Krishna, does your friend want water?"

998
01:03:12,280 --> 01:03:16,600
"Krishna, does your friend
want more water?"

999
01:03:16,680 --> 01:03:19,080
"'Friend'? How many times
do I have to tell you?"

1000
01:03:19,160 --> 01:03:20,720
"She's my mother."

1001
01:03:24,320 --> 01:03:26,000
It was humiliating.

1002
01:03:32,280 --> 01:03:35,000
They did speak to each other
directly once, though,

1003
01:03:35,600 --> 01:03:37,680
when my mom turned him and asked,

1004
01:03:37,760 --> 01:03:39,120
"Are you scared of me?"

1005
01:03:41,240 --> 01:03:43,280
And he went, "Yeah, nah."

1006
01:03:46,840 --> 01:03:49,320
"Nah. Should I be scared of you?"

1007
01:03:50,440 --> 01:03:51,640
And she went…

1008
01:04:03,400 --> 01:04:06,880
It's honestly so cute, though,
because they're best friends now.

1009
01:04:06,960 --> 01:04:08,320
It's adorable.

1010
01:04:08,400 --> 01:04:13,040
My mum is actually teaching him
how to speak Malayalam, my mother tongue,

1011
01:04:13,120 --> 01:04:15,520
and the other day
he came up to me and said…

1012
01:04:15,600 --> 01:04:18,760
[speaking Malayalam]

1013
01:04:18,840 --> 01:04:20,520
-Which translates to…
-[man laughing]

1014
01:04:20,600 --> 01:04:22,520
The one Malayali got it!

1015
01:04:25,640 --> 01:04:27,200
It translates to,

1016
01:04:27,280 --> 01:04:29,920
"I stupid, where is food, bitch?"

1017
01:04:33,040 --> 01:04:35,720
You've been amazing.
I'm Krishna Istha, thanks!

1018
01:04:35,800 --> 01:04:38,320
-[crowd cheering]
-[upbeat music playing]

1019
01:04:38,920 --> 01:04:40,880
[Hannah] Krishna Istha!

1020
01:04:41,560 --> 01:04:42,640
[music ends]

1021
01:04:45,120 --> 01:04:47,360
It's been a pretty special evening, no?

1022
01:04:48,720 --> 01:04:50,560
That's it, you've got one more act.

1023
01:04:51,080 --> 01:04:54,200
This stage is about to be commanded.

1024
01:04:54,280 --> 01:04:59,240
They are not just gender-nonconforming,
they are genre non-conforming.

1025
01:04:59,320 --> 01:05:02,440
They are pushing the envelope
in all the right ways.

1026
01:05:02,520 --> 01:05:05,400
Please make welcome to the stage…

1027
01:05:05,480 --> 01:05:08,680
The biggest welcome
you can gather yourselves into,

1028
01:05:08,760 --> 01:05:11,040
for the one and only Alok!

1029
01:05:11,120 --> 01:05:14,840
-[crowd cheering loudly]
-[upbeat music playing]

1030
01:05:25,640 --> 01:05:27,160
[music ends]

1031
01:05:37,960 --> 01:05:39,000
Hi.

1032
01:05:40,200 --> 01:05:41,160
I'm Alok.

1033
01:05:42,240 --> 01:05:45,960
And my preferred pronouns
are he-he, ha-ha.

1034
01:05:48,040 --> 01:05:50,360
Some of my best friends identify as

1035
01:05:50,440 --> 01:05:53,800
members of the cisgender
and heterosexual community,

1036
01:05:54,360 --> 01:05:57,320
and I know that you guys
are going through a lot right now.

1037
01:05:58,440 --> 01:06:02,000
That's why every morning
during my sun salutation,

1038
01:06:02,520 --> 01:06:07,400
I take a 15-second breath
to acknowledge how difficult it must be

1039
01:06:07,920 --> 01:06:12,240
for straight people to remember
how to use they/them pronouns for us.

1040
01:06:16,240 --> 01:06:17,160
Don't laugh.

1041
01:06:18,040 --> 01:06:21,320
It's one of the biggest issues
facing their community.

1042
01:06:23,640 --> 01:06:26,480
[crowd cheering]

1043
01:06:27,840 --> 01:06:30,880
I mean, his and her community.

1044
01:06:35,240 --> 01:06:36,720
I just wanted to begin tonight

1045
01:06:36,800 --> 01:06:40,280
by shouting out all the transphobic men
in the audience.

1046
01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:45,200
I see you,
and your uncomfortability is valid.

1047
01:06:46,920 --> 01:06:51,040
I understand that I put you
in a bit of a dilemma, right?

1048
01:06:51,120 --> 01:06:55,360
If you find yourself accidentally
laughing at one of my jokes tonight,

1049
01:06:55,920 --> 01:06:59,200
then you're officially endorsing
the transgender agenda.

1050
01:07:00,840 --> 01:07:02,720
And if you don't laugh,

1051
01:07:03,240 --> 01:07:05,960
then you're kind of affirming my gender.

1052
01:07:07,560 --> 01:07:10,880
Because women aren't funny, right?

1053
01:07:18,160 --> 01:07:20,600
Don't find me funny?
Well, thank you so much.

1054
01:07:20,680 --> 01:07:24,120
That is so sweet of you.
Thoughtful, really.

1055
01:07:24,200 --> 01:07:26,000
I feel so seen.

1056
01:07:27,280 --> 01:07:29,680
Laugh, even a chortle,

1057
01:07:29,760 --> 01:07:32,240
and the sound will automatically activate

1058
01:07:32,320 --> 01:07:35,840
a rainbow filter
on every one of your profile pictures.

1059
01:07:38,200 --> 01:07:41,160
Masculinity just is not the same anymore.

1060
01:07:42,080 --> 01:07:45,080
The transgender agenda has gone too far.

1061
01:07:45,920 --> 01:07:48,920
That's why, in my home state of Texas…

1062
01:07:49,000 --> 01:07:50,320
You might have heard of her.

1063
01:07:51,240 --> 01:07:53,000
…they're trying to ban books.

1064
01:07:53,480 --> 01:07:57,360
A conservative legislator
made a list of 850 books

1065
01:07:57,440 --> 01:08:01,120
he felt like were too inappropriate
for Texas public schools.

1066
01:08:02,120 --> 01:08:05,320
He included my book,
Beyond the Gender Binary, on the list.

1067
01:08:05,400 --> 01:08:08,320
So I had no choice
but to read the entire list myself.

1068
01:08:09,200 --> 01:08:11,000
And I was shocked to see

1069
01:08:11,720 --> 01:08:15,200
that Marie Kondo's…

1070
01:08:17,680 --> 01:08:19,720
Spark Joy

1071
01:08:21,360 --> 01:08:22,920
was not included.

1072
01:08:25,840 --> 01:08:28,600
I'm just trying
to get rid of gender norms.

1073
01:08:28,680 --> 01:08:32,600
She wants us to get rid of everything!

1074
01:08:34,720 --> 01:08:38,800
That's the collapse of civilization
as we know it.

1075
01:08:42,120 --> 01:08:45,280
The more that I read about
the gay agenda online,

1076
01:08:45,360 --> 01:08:47,200
the more alarmed I'm becoming

1077
01:08:47,800 --> 01:08:50,680
at how much more confident
straight people are

1078
01:08:50,760 --> 01:08:53,360
in our ability as gay people
to do anything.

1079
01:08:55,400 --> 01:08:57,520
"Causing natural disasters."

1080
01:08:58,120 --> 01:09:00,360
"Indoctrinating an entire generation."

1081
01:09:00,440 --> 01:09:03,080
Girl, that requires a lot of work,

1082
01:09:04,280 --> 01:09:06,440
and coordination, all right?

1083
01:09:06,920 --> 01:09:12,560
Like, our community evaporates
the moment we have to post a group photo.

1084
01:09:14,120 --> 01:09:15,480
Because we are arguing,

1085
01:09:15,560 --> 01:09:18,720
because we only want the photo
to be posted that we look best in.

1086
01:09:18,800 --> 01:09:19,840
All right?

1087
01:09:19,920 --> 01:09:23,960
How are we supposed to develop
a shared plan of attack?

1088
01:09:25,320 --> 01:09:27,040
In order to create an agenda,

1089
01:09:27,120 --> 01:09:30,680
we'd have to actually
be in touch with one another,

1090
01:09:30,760 --> 01:09:33,640
and that's proving to be
impossible these days.

1091
01:09:33,720 --> 01:09:36,840
One of the biggest issues
facing gay people

1092
01:09:36,920 --> 01:09:38,440
is unread emails.

1093
01:09:40,920 --> 01:09:44,400
We use the number of emails in our inbox

1094
01:09:44,480 --> 01:09:47,240
as a gender-neutral dick measuring contest

1095
01:09:47,920 --> 01:09:50,320
to compare how depressed we are.

1096
01:09:51,920 --> 01:09:55,840
Let's say that we did schedule
a meeting to discuss the gay agenda.

1097
01:09:56,320 --> 01:09:58,720
None of us would arrive at the same time,

1098
01:09:59,320 --> 01:10:03,840
because we believe that time is
an oppressive social construct.

1099
01:10:08,840 --> 01:10:13,880
Recently, I've been targeted by
one of the worst anti-trans policies.

1100
01:10:15,000 --> 01:10:17,480
Baggage weight restrictions
at the airport.

1101
01:10:19,160 --> 01:10:21,640
Twenty-three kg?

1102
01:10:22,160 --> 01:10:23,520
Are you kidding me?

1103
01:10:24,480 --> 01:10:28,400
Some dude-bro
came up with that arbitrary number,

1104
01:10:29,040 --> 01:10:31,160
and we need to be talking about it.

1105
01:10:31,720 --> 01:10:35,040
It's time to bring
the body-positive movement

1106
01:10:35,120 --> 01:10:37,000
to the baggage movement.

1107
01:10:37,680 --> 01:10:39,560
We are more than a number!

1108
01:10:40,840 --> 01:10:44,240
There's plenty of other criteria
we could be using here,

1109
01:10:44,320 --> 01:10:46,920
like how cute the outfits you packed are,

1110
01:10:47,520 --> 01:10:52,240
or the fact that you managed
to fit everything inside the suitcase,

1111
01:10:52,720 --> 01:10:55,800
which is not a given, it is a triumph.

1112
01:11:02,880 --> 01:11:05,440
So here I am, pulling up to the airport.

1113
01:11:08,400 --> 01:11:09,640
"Excuse me, sir."

1114
01:11:10,240 --> 01:11:12,240
"Your bag is overweight."

1115
01:11:13,840 --> 01:11:15,000
First of all,

1116
01:11:15,920 --> 01:11:19,080
if you're not even gonna count
my emotional baggage,

1117
01:11:19,880 --> 01:11:22,000
do you even see me?

1118
01:11:23,440 --> 01:11:27,280
Because I might be trans,
but I'm a water sign first.

1119
01:11:27,920 --> 01:11:31,200
Which means every interaction
with a stranger

1120
01:11:31,280 --> 01:11:36,160
is an opportunity for me
to process my feelings.

1121
01:11:37,120 --> 01:11:39,720
And I saw a sign here
that said, "Check in."

1122
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:47,480
So what the fuck else
are we supposed to be doing here, ma'am?

1123
01:11:48,840 --> 01:11:54,000
Where else am I supposed to put
all the pain I have from being alive?

1124
01:11:56,320 --> 01:12:00,280
My therapist has been encouraging me
to speak my truth, so I'm gonna speak it.

1125
01:12:00,760 --> 01:12:02,840
You've been edging me all week.

1126
01:12:03,520 --> 01:12:05,120
I've been ignoring those emails,

1127
01:12:05,200 --> 01:12:07,880
like "48 hours until check-in."

1128
01:12:09,160 --> 01:12:12,040
"Just 12 more hours until you check in."

1129
01:12:12,120 --> 01:12:16,640
And I'm sitting at the back of
the gay agenda meeting, heavy breathing,

1130
01:12:16,720 --> 01:12:21,280
like, "Somebody finally cares
about my feelings?"

1131
01:12:21,840 --> 01:12:23,640
And I pull up here

1132
01:12:23,720 --> 01:12:26,080
only to get JetBlue-balled?

1133
01:12:26,160 --> 01:12:27,600
Are you kidding me?

1134
01:12:30,360 --> 01:12:33,280
Notice, when everyone else
is boarding the plane,

1135
01:12:33,760 --> 01:12:36,640
we transgenders are still
on the floor of the airport,

1136
01:12:36,720 --> 01:12:39,760
practicing the sacred transgender ritual

1137
01:12:39,840 --> 01:12:41,000
called repacking…

1138
01:12:42,920 --> 01:12:46,920
where we seek to make
the 78 kg bag transition

1139
01:12:48,440 --> 01:12:51,800
into 22.473628,

1140
01:12:52,320 --> 01:12:56,160
by wearing approximately 17 outfits

1141
01:12:56,720 --> 01:12:57,960
on the plane,

1142
01:12:58,520 --> 01:13:02,160
because we refuse
to compromise our glamour

1143
01:13:02,240 --> 01:13:04,800
in the face of attempted disappearance.

1144
01:13:04,880 --> 01:13:09,200
That, my friends,
is the transgender agenda.

1145
01:13:09,280 --> 01:13:11,000
[crowd cheering]

1146
01:13:18,360 --> 01:13:21,000
[upbeat music playing]

1147
01:13:27,280 --> 01:13:28,880
-Alok!
-[music ends]

1148
01:13:28,960 --> 01:13:31,720
That brings us to the end, Allie Pallie.

1149
01:13:31,800 --> 01:13:33,400
Have you had a good night?

1150
01:13:36,400 --> 01:13:38,720
Say thank you to everyone you saw tonight.

1151
01:13:38,800 --> 01:13:43,280
Jes Tom, Chloe Petts,
Asha Ward, Krishna Istha,

1152
01:13:43,360 --> 01:13:45,920
Mx. Dahlia Belle, DeAnne Smith,

1153
01:13:46,000 --> 01:13:47,080
and Alok!

1154
01:13:47,160 --> 01:13:49,120
[crowd cheering loudly]

1155
01:14:15,000 --> 01:14:16,880
[upbeat music playing]

1156
01:14:54,560 --> 01:14:56,880
-[camera clicking]
-[music ends]