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Oh, my God, you look exactly like me.
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What the actual fuck?
What the... This is my special film,
and I'm now being haunted by myself.
Are you me after the special? Did I do well?
Are you here to warn me of something?
That's completely knocked me off.
That's the weird thing about doing comedy.
If you stand long enough talking into a microphone,
men who look like you will gather around
to hear what you have to say.
No, I think this is going to relate to me. Yeah.
- MAN: Let's get whooping. - [WHOOPING]
Yeah, cheering.
[CHEERING]
MAN: Please welcome to the stage Horatio Gould.
[CHEERING]
Yes, yes, yes. Thank you for coming.
Our generation is underrated, man.
I think it is. I was on the phone with my dad.
And he was laughing about the fact
that we might get conscripted to fight in World War III.
Yeah. He was saying we're all snowflakes
with learning difficulties.
And that we'd be terrible on the front line.
And I'm sick of this because I think we'd be better
than he would give us credit for 'cause it's true.
Right, our generation, we do have more learning difficulties,
more mental health disorders, more dysmorphias, you name it,
than any other generation, that's true,
but that's not necessarily a weakness.
You just got to learn how to weaponize
our learning difficulties.
Dyslexics. Get them on Morse Codes, right?
Enemy listening in,
"What the fuck are they talking about?"
You've got to be smart.
ADHD, I'd get them on drone strikes, right?
Like... Won't they get distracted?
Not with a Subway Surfer video underneath.
Hyper focused, deadly.
National security.
Girls with anxiety disorder, that's where you come in.
That's where overthinking is an asset.
"I feel like everyone wants me dead."
"That's exactly what we're looking for, ma'am.
"Don't trust anyone."
Vegans, we'll need them.
They're built for trench warfare, right.
Get a bit peckish, handful of mud,
that's them sorted.
Spies, gender fluid. Very versatile.
No one knows their next move. Keep them guessing.
We could teach them all TikTok dances
about how to avoid landmines.
It's good.
And also, the armies of old, didn't you select gay people in?
Remember Don't Ask, Don't Tell?
Fuck that. Do ask. Do tell.
I'm gonna get a squadron of bitchy little twinks
behind enemy lines doing what they do best,
spreading misinformation, right.
The gossip squad. "Yeah, I think they're gonna attack from the west.
"Don't tell anyone I told you that, all right."
You've got to be smart with it.
Autism. We've got to weaponize British autism.
Some of the best autism in the world.
Francis Bourgeois, that train guy,
get him off trains, get him on tanks.
That's what I'm talking about.
GoPro strapped to his head.
"There's five in the bunker over there."
He'd be absolutely terrifying.
I think we'd take the World War II generation, man.
I think we would, because they were all like 5'2",
the same generic straight white man.
I'd like to see them against a pack of furries
running on all fours. [ROARS]
Terrifying.
No, I'm... I'm sick of my dad saying our generation is soft.
We're just harder in a different way, you know.
His first memory was England winning the World Cup.
My first memory was 2 Girls, 1 Cup.
All right, it's...
He grew up watchingThe Muppets on TV.
I grew up watching ISIS beheading videos
on my Tamagotchi, all right, it's different.
But what I do respect about my dad is he doesn't...
He doesn't give a fuck. He's not anxious about things
in the same way that I am.
Like, two separate girlfriends
have tried to kill that man with a kitchen knife.
He falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
Like, no one has ever slept better than my dad.
I once misgendered a six-year-old,
I now can't sleep forever.
I mean, he really doesn't give a fuck.
He called me Horatio, just so he could make fun of me.
I mean, that's true. He's called John, right.
If I ever get lippy with him, he'll be like,
"Oh, I'm sorry, Lord Horatio.
"Oh, what's the matter? Not to your pleasing?"
If someone calls my name in public,
he'll just laugh to himself like a prick.
He calls me Fellatio in front of my friends.
This is child abuse. It should be illegal.
That's why if I have a son, I'm gonna settle some scores.
I can't have a sweet baby boy like James.
He'll have no respect for me.
James. Horatio. The power dynamics are off.
That's why if I have a son,
gonna call him "Colonel-Qaddafi." All one word.
Teach the little prick some manners, yeah.
Call his sister "Kony 2012". Lay down the law.
We've got to find that guy as well.
Now, my dad's a funny man.
He's like this weird mix between like a...
He's like an East End wheeler-dealer, right.
But he's recently found
this sort of new age spirituality,
but refuses to change his old personality.
So now he's this sort of jarring mess of different people
where he very sincerely says things like,
"Son, right, only cunts don't align their chakras,
"all right."
Or he storms out of his room, furious.
Like, "Who fucked up the feng shui in my room?
"Which one of you fuckers was it?"
Genuinely, my dad went on a two-week silence retreat
in Northern India, lasted 45 minutes
because they weren't showing West Ham games, all right.
It's like if Guy Ritchie directed to Eat, Pray, Love.
It's a nightmare.
But I was mainly raised by my mom and my sister.
And my mom, she was a... A big thing for her,
she didn't want me being desensitized to violence, right.
So she wouldn't let me play violent video games
like Call of Duty.
But actually, Call of Duty was a key male bonding experience.
After school, they'd get online, they'd play Call of Duty,
and it'd probably be the happiest time in their lives, you know.
So instead of having that key bonding experience,
I was home alone,
playing the turn-based strategy game
Civilization V, right.
Now this fucked me up way more
than Call of Duty ever could.
This desensitized me to violence on a far more profound level.
Because I wasn't a soldier following orders.
I was a genocidal warlord giving the orders.
It wasn't good.
My friends were shooting guns.
I was manufacturing famines
with my agricultural policy, all right.
They were working as a team to achieve a mission, right.
I poisoned my son because I viewed him as a threat, all right.
It fucked me up.
I also grew up with an older sister.
That's traumatizing. Yeah...
If you're a guy and you have an older sister,
it really, it really warps your view of women
because I grew up thinking
that all women were violent criminals, you know.
She used to just beat the shit out of me.
And guys at school be like,
"Oh, imagine being beaten up by a girl."
I didn't have to.
Every night I'd come home
with The Undertaker waiting for me.
Turning our bedroom into the Octagon.
She basically... She wanted a sister,
and if I didn't dress up in a dress and do makeup,
she'd slam my head in an Easy Bake oven,
run me over in a toy car, pelt me with Sylvanians.
It was awful.
Until that one moment in every younger brother's life,
my puberty kicks in.
Male privilege comes up online.
She's putting me in a chokeslam,
and I just go, "Enough."
Send her flying across the room,
and she looks at me as she realizes...
[GRUFFLY] ...things are going to be a little different around here.
There's a new sheriff in town. So I thought.
But that's when the physical abuse
seamlessly transitioned into emotional abuse.
The Cold War had begun.
She no longer hit me with a pillow.
She now just told my friends I humped my pillow.
Psychological warfare. Way worse.
But men and women aren't that different.
But I'd be lying if I didn't think
there was still maybe some fundamental differences.
Like, I was watching this film
where this woman was trying to seduce a man, okay.
And she comes up to him in like a cocktail dress,
and whispers in his ear,
"I forgot to wear my panties," okay.
And his eyes light up because it's clearly very sexy
that this poor woman
has forgotten her panties, right.
And I was thinking about it.
Even if you reach a sort of genderless, non-binary utopia,
I just don't know if it'll ever be sexy
for a man to forget his pants.
I just don't know if that will ever be sexy.
A woman forgetting her pants, that's sexy.
A man forgetting his pants,
that's "Get out of this library, Derek." You know.
"Did you come alone? Let's get you home."
You know, it's a very different vibe.
Horny men paying thousands of pounds
for women's dirty underwear.
No woman wants a man's dirty underwear.
Unless it's evidence in a court case,
that's the only time.
If I'm buying my girlfriend pants,
it'll be like a sexy Valentine's Day treat.
If she's buying me pants,
I'm calling her from a pub toilet saying,
"It's happened again." All right. It's a...
But I'm trying to be more romantic.
We went on a romantic holiday recently.
Went to a city in Morocco called Marrakech, right.
And maybe this is a bit patronizing of me,
but she hasn't really traveled as much.
So I sort of wanted to prepare her
because there's a lot of street harassment for women
because it's like Marrakech.
If you're not used to it, it could be a bit of a shock, right.
And when we got there, a lot of the market traders
in the souks were like, "You're beautiful.
"You're an angel. I want to marry you."
And there's a lot of this stuff.
You know, we prepared for that.
What we hadn't prepared for was them all calling me ugly.
We weren't ready for that shit.
"Leave your ugly boyfriend."
"Look at his creepy mustache."
I'm getting called creepy by a man
who harasses women all day.
That's a low point.
Honestly, walking through the souks of Marrakech
was like going through an anxiety dream.
All my worst insecurities being shouted at me.
"Lanky giraffe boy."
It's Jeffrey Dahmer." For fuck's sake.
One of them genuinely said
I look like the dwarf from Game of Thrones
if he was normal height. It's like, Christ...
The first person in history
to wear a burka for his mental health.
It was brutal.
You know, on this holiday, I wanted to...
I wanted to perform better in the bedroom, all right,
because it was a romantic holiday.
I wanted to be a more generous lover.
Boys, can I hear a "Hell yeah"?
MALE AUDIENCE: Hell yeah.
Doesn't work with my audience.
Boys, can I hear a, "Oh, sorry"?
I was trying to last longer in bed,
but I think... I don't know if you'll relate to this,
I think I tried too hard
because I started to become traumatized
by the things I have to think of to not come.
Now... Obviously, men, to make themselves last longer,
they'll think of the least sexual thing possible.
It will be like their all-time Premier League XI,
their nan taking the bins out, whatever it is.
But I can't relate to that, boys,
I finished that stuff off years ago.
My head is dark. It's bleak.
It's war, battlefields, bloodshed, famine,
Civilization V all over again.
Comic Relief without the funny bits.
And even if she rolls over and says,
"That was great." Yes, but at what cost?
What was lost along the way?
I've got PTSD.
You know, in her head, it's all sunshine and rainbows.
In my head, it's like the opening to Saving Private Ryan.
I'm on the beach of Normandy.
My brothers are going down either side of me.
It's hell on earth.
Every time she asks for sex,
I'm like, "Don't send me back to the front lines."
"It was incredible. He lasted all night."
Yeah, that man had the worst night of his life.
He did four tours of Vietnam. Check in on him, all right.
It's a crisis of male mental health, you know.
The problem is, now, every time I finish
thinking of these awful traumatic things,
I'm developing a Pavlovian response to trauma.
Now BBC News comes on, "There's been a famine in Darfur."
I'm hard as a rock.
Someone explain that erection.
I know it's dark up here.
I have a pretty vanilla sex life.
Nothing crazy, you know.
My house mate uses safe words, all right.
His safe word's tangerine.
Maybe I'm a bit old fashioned,
but I think if you're using safe words,
you've clearly gone too far.
If "Please stop" doesn't work, you've obviously gone too far.
Text whichever parent you're upset with
and sort it out because that's just...
442, missionary, grow up, be an adult.
The closest I've ever been to any sort of kinky sex is my...
My ex was very into pegging.
James, do you know what pegging is?
Yes.
Like an old oak tree that's seen many winters.
No. Whatever you're into, that's fine.
But the idea of this terrified me
because nothing's ever gone up there, right.
So in my head, it was like stroking a cat the wrong way.
I don't know. It just seemed like it would be uncomfortable.
But then she said something very interesting.
She said, "Look, the male G spot is up the ass.
"So the next level of sexual pleasure for men
"is up the ass.
"The only reason why you, as a man,
"are turning down the next level of sexual pleasure
"is because deep down, you're homophobic.
"You hate gay people."
I said, "I don't hate gay people.
"I love Tom Cruise. Like..."
But I was thinking about it. I said, "Maybe I am homophobic."
Maybe this is all sort of deep-seated homophobia
that I haven't processed, and I very nearly did it.
Because I'm an ally, you know, you've got to do your part.
And it wasn't until I heard that Velcro strap... [IMITATES RIPPING]
...that I was like, "Tangerine, tangerine."
My point is, I think we've come a long way as men.
You know, my dad, terrified of anyone thinking he's gay.
"I'm not gay. I'm not wearing that.
"I'm not drinking that. I'm not gay."
Our generation, we're completely different.
Now it's like, "Please fuck me up the ass.
"I'm not homophobic." Like that.
Has to be progress.
Surely, we're moving in the right direction.
But things are going well with my girlfriend. Um...
I'd never cheat on my girlfriend.
That normally gets a standing ovation, so...
High standards.
I'd never cheat on my girlfriend.
I'm many things, I'm not a cheater,
but I just don't like how confident she is I won't.
Do you know what I mean? I find that quite emasculating.
I was eating a Fruit Pastilles ice lolly,
which is a very vulnerable time for any man,
overhear her on the phone going,
"Oh, Horatio, he'll never cheat on me. Never."
That's rude.
She never goes through my phone whenever I'm in the shower.
Never goes through it. It's a sign of disrespect.
My friend says, "She trusts you."
No, she doesn't believe in me. That's what's going on there.
I want to cheat on her to teach her a lesson.
Because it's always the ones you least expect.
It's always the ones you least expect, ladies.
If you think you're safe, you're never safe.
Think of Stephen Hawking's wife.
Stephen Hawking cheated on his wife
with his nurse.
Imagine her face when she found out.
There's a lot of obstacles dating someone in Stephen Hawking's condition.
Right. That's not a controversial thing to say.
I'm sure he'd be the first to admit it.
You wouldn't think one of those obstacles would be loyalty.
All right. You at least know where he is.
Is he sneaking off at night? You'd hear him.
Makes a beep when he reverses. I mean...
Crawling back in through the window late at night,
got a brassiere stuck in his wheel arch.
Like, what?
Did you find nudes on his laptop?
"I thought you were doing science stuff, Stephen."
And obviously people pull back when I make jokes about Stephen Hawking,
I completely respect that.
But the idea of him gaslighting her
is objectively hilarious.
It just is.
I don't know what to do with it, but it's too funny not to...
[IMITATES STEPHEN HAWKING] "Come on, baby. You know you're the only one for me."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Like, that is funny. I'm sorry.
His little fuckboy haircut.
Gold chain.
Wearing Lynx Africa.
[IMITATES STEPHEN HAWKING] "I thought it was you, baby.
"It wasn't me."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I mean, a Shaggy-Stephen Hawking club would be unreal.
[IMITATES STEPHEN HAWKING]♪ Picture this We're both butt naked
♪ Banging on the bathroom floor ♪
"Can you help me up?" "Okay."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] But I'd never cheat on my girlfriend.
I'd never cheat on my girlfriend.
[SIGHS] There's one woman.
[SIGHS] In recent years, I've developed a crush on a woman...
that I really shouldn't, okay.
[SIGHS] And it's starting to really upset me
because it's very confusing and uncomfortable,
the feelings I have for this woman.
I recently developed very upsetting sexual feelings
for the refugee and terrorist Shamima Begum.
Now that's obviously crazy. That's obviously insane.
You're shocked. How do you think I felt?
All right. This didn't happen to you.
I don't know what it was. It was that second interview.
You know, with the sideways baseball cap, vest top,
just devil-may-care vibe.
And I'm not trying to objectify Shamims, right.
Because it's not even a looks thing.
There's an attitude there.
She's a bad girl, right.
And "bad girl" gets thrown around a lot these days.
A lot of people will be like, "My best friend's such a bad bitch,"
and there'll be like a white woman badly twerking in the club.
Imagine me rocking up with Shamima on my arm.
"My girl joined ISIS. That's a bad bitch right there."
All these girls like,
"Well-behaved women don't make history,"
don't like it when I bring Shamima along.
Don't like that naughty woman.
And morally, I think it's a disgrace
she wasn't let back into the country.
I genuinely do.
But practically, I'm happy because we'd end up together.
We would. We're soul mates. I just know it.
We both live in East London, it's...
I don't know.
I mean, I'd watch that romcom. Uh... [CHUCKLES]
When Horatio Met Shamima. [CHUCKLES]
You know that scene in like American romcoms,
where the male lead takes the glasses off the nerdy girl
to show that she's been beautiful all along.
That same scene with me and Shamima,
just with her suicide vest.
All right, that is just...
"Baby, you're beautiful without it." [LAUGHS]
If this show is about anything, it's about,
I guess, about masculinity,
and I think the...
I think the most traditionally masculine thing about me
is I like live football.
I like going to football games.
It feels like a very safe space for men.
Live football game is a safe space
where for 90 minutes you'd just go,
"Oh, fuck off, you! Fuck off!"
And then they're all over there. "Oh, you fuck off."
We're both having the best time of our lives.
But it's interesting. There's always two middle fingers
at a football game.
"Fuck off. Don't give a shit. Fuck you."
One would be unhinged, wouldn't it?
"He really hurt my feelings, all right." That's emo.
"Where are you?" Like, this is...
Football's in a funny place, though.
There's been a big push in football against racism,
and they used to have this slogan,
which was "Kick it out", which to me is the perfect slogan.
Short, sharp, to the point.
But then, even with the slogan,
it felt like racism wasn't going anywhere.
So they decided to change the slogan
from "Kick it out", to "No room for racism."
Harder stance. "No room for racism."
All over the grounds. "No room for racism."
When I saw "No room for racism,"
it sort of felt like a bit of a step down, if you ask me,
because when I see "No room for racism,"
it sort of feels like they're saying,
if there was room for racism,
they'd bloody love to have it.
Like, that is a very polite way to get rid of systemic racism.
Like, "Oh, my God, Racism, I'm so sorry.
"We've literally got no room at the moment.
"We've got too much sex and homophobia.
"We can't squeeze you in right now."
"Try cricket. I think there's still some room for racism."
I normally go to football with my friend Graham.
Um, Graham's the stupidest man I've ever met in my life.
He's my agent. He's called Graham.
Which means he was raised by parents who thought in 1997,
it was acceptable to call a baby "Graham."
Now most names mean something quite beautiful and nice.
Does anyone know what their name means by any chance?
Anyone know what their name means?
- What's your name? - Rachel.
- What does Rachel mean? - Little lamb.
Little lamb, isn't that sweet?
Graham is Saxon for gravel. So...
I used to get the bus home from school every day
with my boy Gravel, right.
And one night he just goes, "Yes."
I go, "Graham, what's going on?" He goes,
"My parents aren't home. I can wank in the sitting room."
So he's one of these guys.
During our Math GCSE, he sat two rows behind me.
Halfway through the exam, he goes... [WHISPERS] "Psst. Horatio."
[WHISPERS] "What?" And he goes, "What am I?
"I'm a cats-paw mole."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I mean, that's pretty good. I still use that actually.
The funny thing is, it did take Graham 10 years
to pass his Math GCSE after that point.
He literally passed four months ago,
and posted on Facebook,
"To all the teachers who never believed in me,
"this is for you."
Ah, you proved them wrong.
Something that Graham said that really pissed me off recently
is he told me that he has a phobia of sharks, all right.
And this really fucked me off.
Because I don't think you can have a phobia of sharks.
'Cause I think we all have a phobia of sharks.
Because they're fucking sharks.
It's like saying you've got a phobia of being shot in the head
by a machine gun.
"It's this really weird thing. People start firing live ammunition at my head,
"I just freak out. I've had it since I was a child."
What are you talking about?
He loves talking about what to do in case of a shark attack.
What would you do if you're attacked by a shark in open water?
Anyone answer that?
Smack in the schnoz.
Smack it in the schnoz.
That's exactly what Graham said.
I'm sick to death
of people telling me to punch a shark in the face,
but as if it's some sort of life hack.
As if it's some sort of like Bear Grylls survival tip.
Beating a shark in hand to hand combat.
I always knew defeating it in battle was an option.
It's just a terrible option. You're fucked.
Do you think anyone's ever been out at sea like,
"Oh, my God, a shark! What...
"What did Graham say about...
"Why didn't I think of that?
"Just what the fuck you doing?"
So, clearly a geezer who came up with it under pressure.
What would I do? Shark's coming at me.
One of these, mate. Lights out with this bad boy.
You know what to do if a gorilla's coming at you?
You wait for it and give it a wet willy.
Very sensitive ears, actually.
And I was making fun of Gravel,
but he did get me back, though,
because, um, he said
I looked like the head boy of the Hitler Youth,
which I feel...
isn't accurate.
And I thought about it more.
In many ways, I wish I looked like the head boy
of the Hitler Youth
because that's a Nazi filled with confidence.
That's an alpha Nazi.
But that's not the Nazi I look like. Let's be real, guys.
Like I'm trying to be more confident,
but this Nazi wouldn't have seen the front lines.
I'd be one of those sort of camp nervous Nazi bureaucrats.
You see them in the backgrounds of the films,
work around the typewriters, like,
"Oh, nein, I'm sure this is the right idea."
You know, these ones?
That's this Nazi.
Maybe at the end of the film,
I burst into the control room, like,
"Oh, Mein Fuehrer, the American is coming."
And that's my only line for the entire film.
You know, that Nazi.
I look like the only Nazi who got incredibly excited
when he found out Hugo Boss was designing the uniforms, you know.
[IN GERMAN ACCENT] "The trouser is so tight,
"but I like it, Klaus, yeah."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I mean, obviously Nazis, worst blokes of all time,
shittiest guys ever.
They could undeniably put a fit together, though.
Undeniably, Nazis had drip.
For homophobes, it was veryQueer Eye for the Straight Guy.
How they put those cute little outfits together.
The leather gloves, the shiny boots, you know,
Queer Eye for a Nazi, I'd watch that, you know.
Have you seen Nazis these days?
What the fuck has happened?
It's like fat cross-eyed Americans who are like,
"God hates the gays" written on their T-shirt.
Does he hate fashion as well, mate? Jesus Crist.
Like, if you're the master race, dress to impress.
Let's put the fashion back in fascism, please.
It's just not as fun anymore, man.
None of the bad guys are dressing well anymore.
All bad guys are dressing worse.
It's genuinely a sign of cultural decay.
Nazis dressing worse.
Terrorists dressing awfully these days.
It's been a terrible couple of years for terrorists.
My mom's generation, they used to have the IRA, right?
With their cute little khaki shackets,
they'd get them from Zara, you know.
Balaclava. It was a look, right.
When we were growing up with ISIS,
ISIS, head to toe in black, very slimming.
And they knew that. Very Berlin. Very Berghain.
Queer Eye for a Jihad, I'd watch that as well.
Now what do we got? The new terrorists.
Incels. These are the new guys.
You've seen these school shooters? It's a disgrace.
Chubby white virgins.
Their, like, ironic T-shirts with non-ironic cum stains on them.
You've seen these guys?
Fedoras, Crocs and socks.
It's a disgrace.
They don't even want something exciting anymore.
Like, ISIS, they want death to the entirety of the west, right.
That's exciting. They're dreamers, you know.
Incels are just sad and horny.
They just want to have sex with something that's not made of plastic.
Like it feels like we've gone downhill.
Though I do like the idea
of a jihadi promised 72 virgins in the afterlife
greeted by 72 incels, like, "It's great up here.
"They've got World of Warcraft with all the expansion packs."
"No. Not these virgins. No!"
Poor jihadi playing Dungeons & Dragons for eternity.
I'll be honest. If you didn't like the last two bits,
I think you're gonna really hate this one. [CHUCKLES]
Bad guys are dressing worse.
There's an exception to the rule, though.
Pedophiles...
are dressing a lot better.
To be fair to pedophiles,
it's been an unbelievable turn around in the garments department.
Because if I was a member of the, let's be honest,
much-maligned pedophile community,
I'd be upset with how I'm represented in the media, you know,
because growing up as a young pedophile...
I'd be upset with, you know, my role models
because everyone I looked on TV would be these sort of like,
sweaty, balding losers who live in their mom's basement.
They've got no charisma. They've got no mates.
When you see them on pedophile hunter videos, they just wouldn't...
It's the kind of guys Chris Hansen is catching.
It just wouldn't hit the same. It'd erode my self-confidence
as a young pedophile,
trying to make his way in the world.
But recently, it's all changed.
R. Kelly, Jeffrey Epstein, Michael Jackson.
They can sing, they can dance, they've got friends.
It's changing.
When I was at school, if you had dodgy facial hair
or a shit jacket, they'd be like, "Mate, you're like a pedo."
Now you've got a tailored suit, bit of swagger.
It's like, "Mate, you're looking like a pedophile."
Like, it's a compliment now.
I watched a documentary about pedophiles, um,
hosted by Stacey Dooley.
Stacey Dooley is incredible.
This is the first time I'd ever seen Stacey Dooley.
I can't believe it I've just discovered her.
She goes to these amazing places
and has conversations with extraordinary people
and adds nothing. It's quite amazing.
She had this extraordinary interview
with an open pedophile, all right.
Harrowing interview. This guy identified as a pedophile.
He'd brought a child sex doll along. Horrendous.
Okay, and then when he's leaving,
after ten minutes of talking,
there's a shot of him walking down the hotel corridor
with his child sex doll.
And the voiceover from Stacey goes,
"I wouldn't leave that man alone with my daughter
"in a million years."
Yeah.
Oh, you mean the guy with the child sex doll?
Yeah, I'd like to think so.
Jesus Christ. Thanks, Stacey. God.
Something that really grinds my gears. Why...
Why when they're caught with child porn,
why is there always so much child porn?
Has anyone ever wondered? It's never a couple of videos.
There's always 15 terabytes.
I mean, I get choice paralysis with Netflix.
I mean, this is unbelievable.
As my mother says, "Everything in moderation." [LAUGHS]
I'm, uh, I'm 27.
Uh, I don't... That doesn't really mean much anymore. Um...
I guess the only thing that changes...
I started getting sponsored ads for hair pills.
Well, I found out that the main side effect of hair pills
is a low sex drive.
What sort of deal with the devil is this?
What sort of Faustian bargain?
Are you telling me the only way
that women are gonna still want to have sex with me,
I'm gonna no longer want to have sex with them.
That's not fair.
They're giving me two options.
I'm either an asexual Jesus. Right.
With long, luscious hair, above the desires of the flesh.
"Be away from me, whore."
Or a horny bald goblin man furiously masturbating.
I don't mind pegging. I don't have a safe word.
Like that... [LAUGHS]
I've started... Instead of saying "absolutely", um,
I've started saying "abso-froot-ley."
Which doesn't sound like a big deal.
I appreciate that, but it's very easy
for the human ear to miss an "absolutely"
for an "abso-froot-ley."
That's why I like to see how serious the situation.
Can I switch out "absolutely" for "abso-froot-ley"?
Mate, if you're like, "Mate, do you want a pint?"
And I was like, "Abso-froot-ley."
There's no stakes there.
That's just a cheeky lad loving his life.
My girlfriend's like, "Do you even see a future with us?"
"Babe, abso-froot-ley."
Like there's a level there.
My dream is maybe I become like a news reader or something.
Position of power.
"The wildfires ravaged all night, leaving the community
"abso-froot-ley devastated."
Like that would be...
I know abso-froot-ley is a bit of fun, a bit silly.
Something that's less fun is that I can't stop saying
the word "legend", all right. It's becoming a real issue.
And judging by some of the guys who look like me,
I'm sure you suffer from the same affliction as me.
Just anytime anyone does anything, "legend."
Even if you're like, "I drank two pints last night."
Legend.
But all the way up to, "My dad died from alcohol abuse." "Legend."
Like, it's getting me into...
"I spoke to a girl last night." "Legend."
"I have 15 terabytes of child porn." "Legend."
It's getting me into bad situations,
because the word "legend" has been devalued in recent years.
It's a lot easier to be a legend now than it used to be.
It used to be hard graft to be a legend.
Think of Odysseus.
They put that cunt through the wringer
to be a legend.
After ten years at war,
my boy wanted to come home to his wife,
and he was kept away by who?
By the god of the sea himself, Poseidon.
He was forced to sail the seven seas
for another ten years,
defeating monsters, harpies, gods, you name it,
to return home
to find 40 men trying to fuck his wife, right.
And the only thing that kept Odysseus going that whole time
was the power of true love itself, right.
And only then, Homer, the author was like,
"What a fucking legend," right.
These days, you put a traffic cone on your head... [LAUGHS]
You're a legend.
They'd sing songs of your deeds,
you are a legend.
Yes. No, I do feel...
You know, James, I'm sure you can relate to this.
There's a lot of pressure on young men these days.
It's an interesting time to be a man.
I feel there's a lot of pressure on us to open up.
You ever hear, "It's okay not to be okay"? You hear this?
Everyone's trying to get us to open up.
It's okay not to be okay.
We hear this all the time, we're young boys.
Starting to feel like it's not okay to be okay sometimes.
You know, I'm making up disorders
just to fit with my friends. It's exhausting.
Every BBC documentary, there's an ex-footballer
talking about how hard it is
for men to talk about their feelings.
It's like, "Lad, you've got a six-part documentary.
"It doesn't look that fucking hard.
"If anything, you're going on a bit."
[LAUGHS]
Every podcast is a celebrity opening up about their trauma.
And it started off with cool stuff.
You know, rock and roll, drugs, alcohol, that kind of stuff.
But then every celebrity
went on The Diary Of A CEO podcast,
and just scraped the barrel with whatever they could find.
I saw Richard Osman on there
talking about his food addiction.
It's like, "Lad, you like Quavers.
"You're not Amy Winehouse?" Do you know what I mean?
The host pisses me off.
It's like if you made a Huel bottle a therapist.
It's ridiculous.
Get a sob story out of his Capri-Suns.
"Do you feel drained?" "Yes."
The moment I realized
there's at least no longer a taboo about men's mental health
is when I saw the beloved actor Terry Crews
go on that same podcast
to talk about his porn addiction, right.
It's an extraordinary interview. It's an hour and a half long.
Neither of them crack a smile once.
Terry says, at its worst,
he'd start watching porn at 9:00 in the morning
and wouldn't stop till 11:00 p.m. at night.
All right, that's 14 hours of solid wanking.
And that's when I thought, "You know what?
"Maybe honesty isn't the best policy.
"Maybe it's between you and your therapist,
not the biggest podcast in the country."
And what annoyed me is the way that the host, Steven Bartlett,
upon hearing that a grown man's wanked for 14 hours,
the questions he asks the whole time,
"Wow, that's incredible, powerful."
Asking about how it affects his mental health,
how it affects his relationships,
about porn's effect on society as a whole.
These aren't the questions you ask
when a man tells you he's wanked for 14 hours.
If I was the host, I'd be like,
"14 hours? What the fuck?
"Ugh!
"That's grim, Terry. That's disgusting.
"Ugh. I can't believe you said that.
"That's actually embarrassing."
The questions I'd actually ask Terry,
you know, "What was your first video?"
More importantly, "What was your last video?"
What video, after 14 hours of wanking, were you like,
"You know what. That's enough porn for today, actually.
"I've had my fill."
What did lunch look like?
Do you have it on in the background?
Like my mom has Radio 4 on. Like, what's going on?
And obviously, men should talk more about their feelings.
But it's such a funny male response.
You know, men need to open up, and Terry is like,
"Well, I've been wanking for 14 hours."
"Not that, Terry. You keep that shit to yourself."
But, yeah, the older I get, I find...
It's interesting because I find important life lessons
from weirder and weirder places.
Not from the places you'd expect, I guess.
Like I recently learned, and it's a bit cliche,
but I recently learned how to enjoy the present more,
about enjoying the journey and the ride.
Because in comedy it's very easy to always want that next thing.
And it's easy to forget to enjoy now.
I'm very grateful you guys are all here tonight
and I'm trying to be more present.
I learned this from the Taliban because...
my boys in Kabul are in a very interesting situation.
Because there's a quiet melancholy
to the Taliban these days.
There is because they've achieved
all of their dreams, right.
They've taken back Afghanistan, the United States have left.
Women aren't allowed to read, right.
They've got their big three.
But they're not as happy as they thought they'd be.
Like, there's a lot of these Taliban
jihadi desert fighters been writing into western publications
saying how they miss their old lives
because now these guys have to run Afghanistan.
They're doing boring nine to five jobs,
getting stuck in traffic on the way to work.
Yogurt spills in their tote bag. "For fuck's sake."
Ahmed does a Zoom call
that could have been an email, you know.
Getting sent to HR for inappropriate jokes,
sitting all day at their desk, their back's killing them.
They look out the window, and they reminisce
about the days in the desert
with the boys.
You didn't realize it, but that was the good time.
Joyriding Jeeps, firing AK... Ah... You know.
You didn't realize then.
Now they return home to their wives,
and she doesn't have any good stories anymore.
She's legally not allowed to leave the house.
She doesn't get any of your references,
and it just doesn't feel as good as you thought it would.
And Miley Cyrus touched on this...
in her seminal classic, "The Climb."
You know, it's not about how fast you get there.
It's not about what's waiting on the other side.
♪ It's the climb ♪
She wrote that about the Taliban. That's the song...
The quiet melancholy of the Taliban.
I learned another life lesson about being grateful
about being tall, um...
I learned that from Tom Cruise, my favorite homosexual thespian.
Because every time I watch a Tom Cruise film,
someone brings up his height.
As if they're better than Tom Cruise.
As the little fella literally backflips
off a skyscraper onto a fighter jet.
He's doing everything for your validation
and you're not giving it to him.
Though admittedly,
a bit of fun movie trivia for you guys.
The reason he's so good at doing his own stunts
is because his mass is actually so small...
that he can't reach terminal velocity,
so he sort of floats like a piece of paper.
But that's not the point.
It's about respect.
People say that Tom Cruise has a Napoleon complex.
This idea that short, successful men
are only successful
because they're so insecure about their height.
I mean, how fucking rude is that...
to Napoleon, yeah.
The little lad...
single-handedly conquered Europe
and everyone's like,
"Oh, someone's overcompensating for something."
It's like, give the man a break. He tried his best.
He didn't start a podcast. He stormed the gates of Rome. Like...
I bet if a short guy found the cure for cancer,
people will be like, "Mate, we get it.
"You've got a small dick. Stop going on about it. Honestly."
People would, like, say that Putin has a Napoleon complex.
There's a lot of stuff you can get Putin on.
It feels weird to get his height.
He's 5'7". That feels like
what people say is like the toxic height, right.
Because if he was tall, they wouldn't bring it up.
5'7", toxic, insecure.
Keep going, though.
3'11". What an inspiration.
Isn't that interesting? It sort of goes full circle.
It's quite interesting.
"I don't agree with his policies,
"but it's amazing he's achieved so much.
"He's a disabled icon."
I learned another important life lesson,
um, about what you can achieve
with focus and determination, right.
And I learned that from J.K. Rowling, right.
'Cause I have a lot of respect for J.K.
I respect the tenacity and drive that woman has
in destroying her legacy.
Like, it's amazing to watch.
Like, she wrote Harry Potter.
That's the biggest book series ever.
She's a billionaire. She lives in a castle.
She has nothing in this life to prove to anyone.
And now, she just spends her days on Twitter,
causing havoc,
destroying dreams
and just doing it for the love of the game.
It's amazing to watch.
Carefully building this world for misfits to escape to,
gets them all in there, and is now like,
"Oh, look at these freaks."
Awesome. She's a legend, man.
Don't anyone let you tell you different.
She's a fucking legend.
She's had so many different periods online.
She had this weird period where she'd try and like
win niche political arguments by using her own characters.
She'd say things like,
"Well, Dumbledore would have never voted for Corbyn."
You can't do that.
That's a wizard you made up.
You can't win an argument
with wizards you've made up in your own head.
That's why I like to read through all her mad tweets
and sort of imagine that Harry Potter was never written.
She just sounds like a mad woman at a bus stop.
Like Severus Snape likes Nick Clegg.
What are you talking about?
I think my favorite J.K. period was her woke era.
Do you remember her woke era?
She'd like retroactively make Harry Potter a lot woke
than it actually was.
She'd say things like, "Well, Dumbledore's actually gay. Yeah.
"He was gay the whole time.
"I'm not going to mention the books because that'd be disgusting.
"But you know what I mean."
"Yeah. Ron. Yeah, Ron's a sex worker.
"Thank you very much. Respect his rights."
Hagrid's a pedophile. [LAUGHS]
Well, probably, that's probably true.
Shouldn't have left those kids unattended with Hagrid.
I've never seen an artist
retroactively make their work woke.
I think more artists should do that.
It'd be great, you know, if Francis Ford Coppola came and...
"Oh, you thinkThe Godfather is problematic?
"Well, I think the Corleones were going through a lot,
"seeing as they're all trans."
[IMITATING DON VITO CORLEONE] "You come to me on the day of my daughter's surgery."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Like, I think there's something.
[IMITATING DON VITO CORLEONE] You can call me godparent.
[CHUCKLES]
[IMITATING DON VITO CORLEONE] Look how they butchered madam.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] The final life lesson I learned recently...
was the power of laughing
in the face of your life falling apart. And I...
I learned that a couple of years ago
when I did jury service, right.
I wanted to take this quite seriously
because this is someone's life at stake,
and it was a big court, it was a proper trial.
But the trial and the case was this 80-year-old Polish guy
who looked like the granddad from the Dolmio advert, right.
A sweet, cuddly guy, he was being accused of,
for fifteen days in a row out of his second story window on East One High Street,
this little man had been standing
out of his open window,
waving at people go past
whilst furiously masturbating, okay.
By the way, the legal term for masturbating
is "masturbating his penis back and forth."
As opposed to side to side or round and round, obviously.
But what was fascinating about this whole case
and what I really respected about this little fellow
was...
This wasn't settled out of court, right.
There was eight separate witnesses.
There was videos. There was photos, right.
But he had come there to win, right.
He pled not guilty.
That's what I respected about him.
He didn't speak a word of English.
Didn't move a muscle the whole trial.
He was being translated to the whole time. Okay.
And the defense,
it wasn't the best defense in the world, admittedly.
His defense was
he wasn't masturbating his penis back and forth.
It was a terrible coincident.
He's actually a sufferer of rheumatoid arthritis
and was applying ointment to his swollen joints
and had no idea anyone could see.
When asked why he decided to do it
out of an open window on a busy high street,
he said 'cause the light in his bathroom is not very good.
All right. It wasn't the most watertight defense.
There's one amazing moment
where one of the witnesses genuinely couldn't get over
the size of his penis, right. Like the...
The judge had to move her along.
She was this little Scottish lady.
She's like, "Such a wee man. But such a big member."
"All right, we understand, ma'am."
But everything's being translated to this fellow with, like, a slight delay.
So I was always interested to see how he'd react to things.
When he said that, I quickly looked at him
and he's been completely still for the whole time.
Gets translated into his ear and he just goes...
[LAUGHING HEARTILY]
Deep, hearty laugh echoes around the chamber.
Behind him, three generations of his family, all in tears.
But it came down to the verdict, right.
And you have a lot of power as a juror
because one not guilty,
the whole thing is a hung jury, right.
Uh, so we're all talking about it.
Everyone's like, "Obviously guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty."
And it came to me and I paused, right.
Because this man is a legend.
And I thought there's a bravery to what this man did.
In many ways he represents all of us.
And if I had a dick that big, maybe I'd be doing the same.
So I got on my high horse.
It was like a film, and I said, "Are we sure...
"that this man is guilty?
"We're putting away an innocent man."
One of the juror's like, "What the fuck? What'd you...
"You genuinely think this man's innocent?"
I looked him dead in the eyes and I said, "Abso-froot-ley."
I'm Horatio Gould. Thank you so much.
Thank you so, so much.
Been an absolute pleasure.
Good night.
[CHEERING]