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- Drop zone, one minute.
- Can I say something?
- What's up?
- I only have six months to live.
- Wait, are you serious?
- Yeah.
This is on my BIOS cache.
- Wait, your what?
- Bucket list.
- Why did you wait until now to tell me?
- I don't know.
- Are you planning to kill yourself?
- No.
- Because it's a tandem jump.
Whatever happens to you happens to me and I'm not gonna die.
- Me neither.
Not today.
- We might have to cancel this jump.
No, please.
Let's jump. - No!
- Awesome.
- Do not touch me.
- Sorry about the 502.
- The what?
- Bad gateway.
Wardrobe malfunction.
- Yeah, well, people like to wear clothes
under their jumpsuits.
- No, that's too safe.
When I do something extreme, I go all in.
- This time you went all out.
- I started getting headaches a few months ago.
They did an MRI and it showed a tumor
at the base of the skull near the brain stem.
So they went in through my nose and they did a biopsy
and that showed glioblastoma.
They can't do surgery
because it's too close to the brain stem,
and they probably wouldn't be able
to remove all of it anyway.
They offered me radiation and chemotherapy.
It probably wouldn't help very much.
As the tumor grows,
eventually it will compress the brainstem
and I'll suddenly stop breathing,
hopefully when I'm asleep.
- They can't do anything?
- They put me on steroids to reduce the swelling
around the tumor.
- Well, did you get a second opinion?
- I had a whole committee.
- Wow, it's amazing how you can stay so optimistic.
I can't even imagine.
- It's been an adjustment.
I believe life and death are both...
Where's my car?
It was right here.
My car was repossessed.
- Really?
- I stopped working
and then I had bills to pay.
It's kind of a double whammy.
You have incurable brain cancer.
That'll be $30,000.
- If you want, I can offer you a ride.
I do it to make a statement.
- 404 page not found.
- 404 page not found?
- Oh, I talk like a computer sometimes.
Helps me stay focused.
- I understand.
Monarch butterflies are threatened
because the only plant the caterpillars eat is milkweed.
And that has been wiped out by herbicide.
- Would you like to go out some time?
It's on my bucket list, along with skydiving.
- What, losing your virginity?
- I'm not a virgin, but I've never been married.
- You wanna marry someone you don't know
right before you die?
- It could be several months, possibly longer.
It wouldn't be a wasted experience for either of us.
And at least you know what you're getting.
You've seen the merchandise.
- Here we are.
- Oh, I'm a couple more miles.
- Yeah, this is the bus stop.
- Oh, the bus stop.
I had a great time.
- Best of luck with everything.
Is everything you said true?
- Yeah.
- You have medical records documenting your diagnosis?
- Yeah.
- Do you have a hospice worker?
- Not yet.
- Well, in addition to teaching skydiving,
I'm also a wellness coach.
I do body work and some other treatment.
I could give you a consultation.
- Yes.
- All right.
Well call me to make an appointment.
- Will do.
- Oh, and when you come back,
could I get my shorts?
- For sure.
Default settings restored.
- Ah, sorry about your car.
Talk about bad timing.
It was a case of one hand
not knowing what the other hand was doing.
- I understand.
- My repo guy had no idea
that you were about to pay off that loan.
So your car's waiting for you outside.
Detailed with my compliments.
- Thank you.
- Did you read the contract?
- My client and I read it.
- What we're doing is buying your life insurance policy.
It's called a viatical.
I pay out cash to you now,
and the insurance company pays out to me
when the time comes.
The policy is worth $2 million.
I am going to give you 500,000 cash.
- 300% profit.
Not bad.
- Where, where'd you get this life insurance policy anyway?
I mean, most single guys your age
don't have life insurance.
- My dad sold insurance.
- Your dad was a good man.
- I advised my client not to sign
without an exclusion clause.
If he dies within 30 days,
the contract is void and his estate refunds your money.
- Nope.
- 21 days.
- Bye-Bye.
Look, I know you shopped around.
No one's gonna take this deal.
The big banks?
No way.
- Ethan, we should leave.
- Look, it's the best I can do.
I trust you
and you are just gonna have to trust me.
- You're trusting him to die on schedule.
- You got a good lawyer.
- Where do I sign?
- And the notary signs here.
Thank you.
I hope this makes your remaining time easier.
- My first case out of law school
and I'm dealing with the Mafia.
- That's a, that's not a cow, that's a bull.
They should call it cash bull.
- That's bullshit.
It's got a big pair of nuts.
- You're standing in bullshit.
It's a metaphor.
To see a great distance,
we must stand on the shoulders of giants.
If we stand under one,
we get dumped on.
- Look at what someone sent me.
He said he would pay to see me use it.
You don't own me.
I do cam shows because I feel like it.
I take donations, I take requests,
but I don't work for you.
So please respect that.
Okay, that is all for now.
Bye
- Bart Lomax, attorney at law.
- Am I being sued already?
Usually I have to do a treatment first.
- I'm here as Ethan's friend.
He's in so much pain from the tumor
that he can't even sit down.
- Who said it was the tumor?
- His doctor... from Yale.
I'm sorry, I don't see your diploma anywhere.
- Do you have any numbness in your feet?
- Kind of.
- Is the pain worse when you bend over?
- Somewhat.
- You might have pinched a nerve from the bumpy landing.
Could you turn around please?
Drop your bag.
Okay, I'm gonna give you a bear hug.
So
relax, drop your shoulders.
Let me support your weight.
Take a breath.
That's good.
Okay, on the count of three,
I need you to go limp like a rag doll.
One.
Two.
Three.
Okay.
How's that?
- The pain's gone.
- That's my diploma.
I got your medical report.
It confirms everything that you said.
Oh, that was my lunch.
Okay.
I'm gonna start with your shoulder.
- I'm sorry for being weird last week.
- Oh, you weren't being weird.
How's this?
- Acceptable.
- What you call being weird
is something that we see in people
that have gone through a life altering event.
Have you heard of denial?
- Hmm, sure.
DABDA.
- DABDA?
- Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
The five stages of grief according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
- That's very good.
What stage are you at?
Acceptance.
- Only after a month?
- I already buried myself.
Sorry.
- Right, well this is called the healing touch.
Promotes lymphatic drainage.
It's very good for the immune system.
- Well, it better not be one of those happy endings.
I'm sorry that, that was.
- It's a therapeutic massage.
I don't go between the belly button and the knees.
- Well, you know, under some conditions
you may need a wider exclusion zone.
- Client uses humor to deflect negative emotions.
Treatment plan will be for client to sit with his emotions
and do healthy, necessary grieving work.
- May I?
- Therapist shows
no outward reaction,
but is
secretly
intrigued.
- So what do you do for work?
I'm sorry.
What did you do for work?
- Computer technician.
But now I'm taking acting classes.
- Oh, okay.
That's a big switch.
Pure logic to pure emotion.
- I'm very emotional.
- I'm writing a short story.
- What's it about?
- Well, if I adapt it to a play, maybe you can be in it.
- Oh, sorry.
It's the hospital.
- Do you wanna pick it up?
- It's really weird getting all this attention.
People get very interested when you're dying.
You're not dying.
- Exqueeze me?
- You're not dying.
It was a medical records error.
- Hi, I'm Sister Herbert, CEO of the hospital.
I've asked Dr. Upchuck to explain.
- The pathology report showing glioblastoma
was for another patient
with almost the same medical record number as you.
Your biopsy report shows benign congenital cyst.
- We called you as soon as we found out.
Isn't this wonderful?
- How could that happen?
Isn't it all computerized?
- Mostly, yes.
It's actually quite interesting.
We don't do brain biopsies in house.
We send them out.
We label each specimen
with a six digit tracking number
consisting of your first initial, last initial,
birth month and birth year.
It's always worked fine.
Last year we merged with a national hospital chain.
Instead of 10,000 patients in our database,
suddenly we have two million.
Five other patients have the same tracking number as you.
- What about my MRI?
- It shows a benign cyst that agrees with the biopsy.
It needs to be watched,
but there's a good chance it'll never cause any problems.
- Isn't this wonderful?
- It's a disaster.
I quit my job.
I sold my life insurance policy and I started hospice care.
- Do you hear that?
I never want you to forget that.
This is Ms. Carmela Beltran.
She is the medical records technician
who put the wrong report in your file.
Today is her last day as an employee at this hospital.
Carmela,
is there anything you'd like to say?
- I am so sorry, sir.
This is the worst thing I have ever done.
- You, you put me on Decadron
to reduce the swelling around the tumor.
My headaches got better.
- You have chronic sinusitis.
Hay fever.
Decadron works for that too.
- Isn't this wonderful!
- Who made the system with the tracking number?
- I did.
- So basically you made a bad system
and now you're blaming it on her
and she's paying the price?
- I wouldn't put it that way at all.
- The only way you're not getting sued
is if she keeps her job.
- Threats like that will get you nowhere young man.
- We accept.
- I've got big news.
- One, one sec.
Hello?
Hi, yes.
Mrs. Niedzwiedski.
No.
No, I'm so sorry.
I can't give you any more appointments.
Well, no, I'm happy that it helped.
Yes, no, but we completed your, your treatment plan.
Yes, no, I only do them when it's a medical necessity.
When they're no longer medically necessary,
I refer to one of my colleagues.
Well, no, that's just how I run my practice.
Yes.
Okay.
Thank you.
Okay, goodbye.
Right.
I'm sorry, what was the big news?
- Big news?
- You said he had some big news to tell me.
- Oh yeah.
- Okay, well what is it?
- Big news is
I felt so much better after the first massage.
- Ah, that's brilliant.
- It really felt medically necessary.
- That's good.
Did you have any problems with the, the questions?
- Just the part where it says person to notify
in case of emergency.
I always leave that one blank.
- Ugh, I hate that one.
- If you hate it, why do you put it on the form?
- Oh, well I don't write the questions.
It's a standard form.
Okay, all right.
Okay, roll over please.
- Who do you put for that question?
- I put my,
my old mom lives thousands of miles away.
- And dad?
- Oh well he's a military psychologist.
He interrogated prisoners in Iraq.
- Using water?
- Using water.
- Oh, that's heavy duty.
- One day when he came back,
he was taking too long in the bathroom.
Mom knocked on the door.
He didn't answer.
We went in and
we found him in the bathtub.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh no, it was fine, there was no water.
He was a happy clam when he was building sandcastles
with his poop.
- Oh,
well that,
you know, easy cleanup at least, in the tub.
- Exactly.
Easy cleanup.
- Is that why the tattoo?
- One of many reasons.
What about your parents?
- They both died of cancer,
which makes this less of a surprise.
Would you go out with me sometime?
Just to thank you for giving me a ride home.
- You don't owe me anything.
Did you get your car back?
- Yeah.
Yeah, runs great.
It's nice and clean.
- If,
if I was to have dinner with you,
we go in separate cars.
- Cool.
- Because I support you in staying connected, not isolating,
you know, living life to its fullest.
That's very important to me.
So yes, I'd be happy to have dinner with you.
- Sweet.
- We get separate checks.
No alcohol.
- That works.
- The Academy of Holistic Health practitioners
prohibits dating or sex with clients for two years
after termination of treatment.
For the Federation of Massage Therapists,
it's only six months.
- That makes a lot more sense.
- Thank you.
It's very kind of you to say.
I've been a fan of yours for a long time.
You know, you come very highly recommended
and there's so little time for us to
get together and do good in the world.
I'm sorry?
Yes, well, you know the, the price is right.
So I, I,
I won't suppose I'll be hearing from you right away.
But when I do, I'll certainly share it with everybody I know
because
in the business I'm in.
Called referral.
You scratch my back, I'll knife yours.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Annamaria Horkheimer.
That's a beautiful name.
Is it German?
- Ja.
- Good nationality.
Strong, healthy, loyal, very intelligent.
- I'm German, I'm not a German Shepherd.
- Who are you named for?
- I was named after Saint Anne and her daughter,
the Virgin Mary.
My parents wanted me to feel extra guilty about sex.
- Oh, I read your short story.
- Oh, and? - It's good.
It's basically a heist, right?
It's kind of like Bonnie and Clyde,
but no one dies.
- Kind of.
- Can I ask you a favor?
- Of course.
- Will you be my emergency contact?
- Your what?
- My person to notify in case of emergency.
I just always leave that one blank on the form.
- I think everyone should have someone
to notify in case of an emergency.
So yes, I'd be honored to be your emergency contact.
- Does that make us significant others?
- No, just others.
- Huh?
Well
here's to being others.
I have a confession.
I found something out two days ago.
- I'm sorry.
Do you mind if I ask you something first?
- Of course.
- Some people in your situation
would turn to religion or possibly spirituality.
So what's your viewpoint?
I'm fine, thank you.
- I'm fine, thank you Sister John Bosco.
- I'm fine, thank you, Sister John Bosco.
- Sit up straight.
Ethan, one of our teachers heard you say
that you don't believe in going to church.
- It's true.
I don't.
- Why not?
- It's just for old people trying to get on God's good side
after a lifetime of bad behavior.
- There might be some truth to that.
But let's not throw the baby Jesus out with the bathwater.
- I will not be brainwashed.
- No one's trying to brainwash you.
- I will not be indoctrinated.
- You will
be indoctrinated.
- Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy.
These are all made-up stories to train children
to believe things that aren't real,
to prepare them for organized religion.
- I don't think that's a valid--
- He sees when you're sleeping,
he knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good.
So be good for goodness sake.
Kids call it Santa Claus.
Adults call it God.
It's same thing.
- Well we have taught you well.
The way you wrestle with these ideas,
honestly and openly.
You are on a hero's journey to faith.
- Judgment after death.
It's the ultimate mind ff ... mind game.
It can't be disproved.
So we go along with it just to be safe.
It's comforting to believe that there's justice.
That crime is punished and virtue rewarded.
Kids say to each other,
when dad gets home, he will beat your aa ... butt.
Grownups say, on Judgment Day you will burn in hell.
It's the same thing.
- Let's quit while we're ahead.
- So do you?
Do you believe in God?
- Define God.
- A loving, caring, divine being
who is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent.
- Nice definition.
Very appealing.
But I reject it.
- What's your definition?
- Well, that's the point.
By definition, God has no definition.
So it's like,
it's like asking me an irrational question.
It's kind of like asking what is one divided by zero?
It's not a big number,
it's not a small number.
It's not zero.
It's not a positive number.
It's not a negative number.
It's actually not a number.
It's undefined in mathematics.
They make a good couple.
- There's hope for us all.
- So you're asking a question that by its very nature,
has no answer.
Yes, no, maybe, and I don't know,
They're all incorrect.
- That's interesting.
- Now having said that, is there a God?
Of course there is.
How could there not be?
I mean just look around.
- Take me now.
- But, but judgment after death,
it is the ultimate mindff-- ...
Oh.
- What was that?
- It's a bullet hole.
- Get away from the window.
Manager! Waitress!
Someone just shot at us.
- Merde, not again.
- Wait, this has happened before?
- Neighborhood's bad.
It's getting better.
- Are you gonna call the police?
- You saw who shoot?
- No.
- Well police no come. It's better.
- You said this was the honeymoon table.
This is the table of death.
- You want dessert?
- Okay, no, let's, let's go.
- Yeah, and where's the back door?
- I'll give you dessert.
A face I wanna kiss.
Is that asking too much?
- That's what it all comes down to.
Does that make me shallow?
That I care about looks?
- Not at all.
Hey, Susan B. Anthony was a great woman,
but she's not who I picture
when I'm taking care of business.
Wait, you're married.
You still self gratify?
- Yes I am.
And yes I do.
I thought the whole point to get married
was to move up from self-serve to full serve.
- Well sometimes the self-serve line is faster.
Let's say that
out of every 10 women
is my type physically.
- Where are you?
I can't see you.
- Oh.
I'm putting away clothes.
- Laundry day?
- No, I was giving everything to Goodwill,
but now I'm keeping it.
- Good man.
- And so let's say that
one out of every 10 women has a personality I can live with.
So that means that one out of 10 squared
or one woman out of 100 has both qualities.
And then the chances of finding a woman like that
who also feels the same way about me
is one out of 100 squared,
or one in 10,000.
- No one said it was easy.
- The restaurant manager said it was random gunfire,
just a stray bullet.
But I don't think so.
I think the Kash Kow found out I'm not dying.
Now they're taking matters into their own hands.
- That's risky for them.
- They gave me $500,000.
Now they may not get it back for 50 years.
- That's true.
- How did the Kash Kow find out I'm not dying?
- There's usually a paid informant.
- Dr. Upchuck!
- Possibly.
- Can I just cancel the contract?
- Remember I asked him for an exclusion clause
and he said no.
He should have said yes.
- What if I give him his money back?
- It's not that simple.
Do you still have the 500 grand?
- No, I already spent 40,000 on medical, credit cards,
back rent,
my car
and legal fees.
- The hospital was grossly negligent.
I can get you at least 40,000.
- I said I wouldn't sue them.
- I won't call that a lawsuit. - Can you make sure
that that woman doesn't get fired?
Yes.
- I'll think about it.
How are things with Annamaria?
- We're going out again
in one car.
So that's progress.
- Did you tell her you're not dying?
- Not yet.
- Tell her tomorrow at dinner?
- Okay.
- You're committing to that?
- Yeah.
- Excellent.
Night, night.
- Hi people.
I need some advice.
So I have started seeing someone
and I already know that it,
it can't work.
It, it won't work.
But I wanna keep seeing him.
Should I
or should I end it now
before it becomes too painful?
What should I do?
You can leave your comments below.
Phone lines are open and
operators are standing by.
Okay, we've actually got a comment.
What does that have to do with my question?
I understand that you would like to see me
do this to myself,
but that doesn't solve my problem.
Are there any other comments?
Okay, here's one.
That's a good question.
What do I see in him?
Hmm?
What do I see in him?
He's sensitive.
He's caring
about people.
He's a bit strange,
but his heart's in the right place
most of the time.
He shows remarkable enlightenment for his age
or any age for that matter.
He accepts life on life's terms.
He understands that
happiness is part of the journey, not the destination.
Yeah, that was a good question.
Thank you.
Put your money in the tip jar and maybe I will.
Okay, well
thank you for all your comments.
I will see you later.
Is that all?
- Yes sir.
- Lemme get this straight.
Your name is Ethan Colby.
And you suspect that a payday
loan pawn shop
may be trying to kill you
because you sold them your life insurance policy
believing you had a terminal condition
and now it seems you're not dying.
- Correct.
- Have you gone back to the Kash Kow
to explain the situation?
See if you can work something out?
- No, my lawyer told me not to.
- I've read a background check.
They have a legitimate business license.
The owner, Walter Precup, has no criminal record.
Thank you.
- Is that it?
- Well, we'll keep your report on file
and if you're not gonna go and talk to the Kash Kow,
then I suggest
that you
proceed with your day with prudent precautions.
- What are prudent precautions?
- Lock your doors.
Be aware of your surroundings.
Here's my card.
You know, anything else you can think of
that you wanna tell us,
ask for the cop with the funny name.
Norman Tinkelbaum.
- Thank you.
- It's okay, you can laugh.
I know I got a funny name.
Parents couldn't call me John, had to name me Norman.
Excuse me.
Hey, what was that?
Watch out, go, go, go, sorry.
- Hey, what did you mean by that?
I deserve an explanation.
You're not being fair.
I told you before not to block the sidewalk.
- Hey, got any weed?
- Look at that bird and tell me there's no God.
Oh, not only is there a God, she drops acid.
I have a gift for you.
- Annamaria.
New glasses.
Wait, is there something wrong with the old ones?
- Yes.
- Maybe now I can finally meet someone special.
- Our physical appearance is not why we're single.
Put that in a bong and vape it.
- Can I get you anything else?
No, but
I think there's a cricket in here.
- I'm sorry, I'll get the bug spray.
- No! - No.
- Sorry.
We like crickets.
- Are you animal rights activists?
- No.
But we believe in compassion for all living things.
- Except roaches, flies, ants,
termites, anything that bites.
- Silverfish?
- Oh, and silverfish, they damage books.
Sometimes if I find a cricket in the house,
I catch it and then I let it go.
- Yeah, sometimes I walk around with a cricket in my hand
for half an hour trying to find it the right habitat.
- Yes, somewhere away from the street where there's plants,
moisture,
sunlight,
and shade.
Separate checks.
- I know. I'm just holding your hand.
May I?
- Briefly.
- Well, today's gone like a whirlwind.
- Tornado.
- Hurricane.
- Cat five?
- Saffir-Simpson category five,
extreme widespread catastrophe.
- Yes!
- Gum? - Gum.
Do you wanna go back to my place?
- Maybe in six months.
- Six month waiting period. - Uh hmm.
Hey people.
So I wanna let you know that I am closing my account today
because I have met someone very special.
I know, I know.
I said that I wasn't gonna do it again
and I'm doing it again,
but wish me luck.
Bye.
- I got an audition.
- What's it for?
- A TV commercial.
- You feel strong enough?
Not too sick?
- It's only 30 seconds.
- So have you?
- Have I what?
- Ever been in love?
- I'm fine, thank you.
- I'm fine, thank you, Sister John Bosco.
- Ethan, you are the only boy in your class
that has not bought a ticket to the junior homecoming dance.
- I don't want to go.
- You know, you don't have to have a date.
A lot of students go without a date.
I know.
- We want our students to have a healthy social life.
- I just don't wanna go.
- Don't you wanna fall in love someday?
- I hope not.
- Now why would you say that?
- Love is a temporary insanity necessary for reproduction.
It clouds judgment, often leads to regret
and the physical act
is disgusting.
- You might change your mind someday.
- If love is so great,
why didn't you get married?
- My life went in a different direction.
It so happens, I am very much in love with a Man
and I've devoted my life to spreading His Word.
- Did you get invited to your junior homecoming dance?
- I've got an idea.
Why don't I be the guidance counselor
and you be the student?
- I'm sorry, Sister John Bosco.
- You know, the love that a young mother feels
when she nurses her newborn--
- Is the same dopamine release that a cockroach feels
when she deposits her egg case
on top of the body of a dead mouse.
It's all neurotransmitters.
- No, I didn't.
- Didn't what?
- Didn't get asked to any dances.
So does this mean that you would consider
a life in the priesthood?
- No, I'm straight.
- Have you ever been in love?
- Fortunately not.
- Why fortunately?
- Love is a temporary insanity
necessary-- - Necessary for reproduction.
Look out!
- I avoid entangling alliances.
I meet people that I wanna be friends with
and I meet people that I'm physically attracted to
but they are not the same people.
- Did something happen to you in your past
to make you this way?
- Yeah.
I learned how to think.
- You're the guy with all the answers,
yet you're also the guy who has no one to notify
in case of emergency.
- I have you now.
But point well taken.
- What age were you when your parents died?
- 10 for dad, 19 for mom.
- People usually get stuck at the age of their trauma.
You think love is gross, which is,
you know, perfectly natural for a 10-year-old boy.
- I also want to jump your bones.
Is that normal?
- Have you always been single?
- No tan lines.
You?
- No tan lines.
But I'm not opposed to marriage like you are.
- I'm not opposed to marriage.
I'm opposed to wedding rings specifically.
Do you know how many fingers have been amputated
because of wedding rings?
- Seriously?
- A bee stings your finger.
It swells up,
the ring cuts off the circulation.
They'll cut it off.
- What, the ring or the finger?
- The finger.
Gangrene.
- Really?
- Some guy was writing an escalator at the Louvre.
And has he got near top, he bent down to tie his shoe.
Somehow his shoelace looped around the wedding ring
and it got caught in the grating with the stairs disappear.
- Oh, ouch.
- His whole body got dragged through a one inch gap
into the machine before they could turn it off.
Biggest piece when they found looked like a piece of lasagna
- With ricotta?
- Lasagna always has ricotta.
- You know what, why didn't the shoelace break?
- That was my first thought.
But the,
the shoelace was made of braided nylon.
It's 1200 pound tensile strength, doesn't break.
- Yeah, you're right.
You should never get married.
You should never wear jewelry
and you should never wear shoes.
- My philosophy is make friends with the nice ones.
Hook up with the cute ones.
Don't expect much overlap.
- Which one am I?
Am I cute one or am I a nice one?
- You may be a rare exception.
- Hmm.
An overlap?
- Possible overlap.
- Is that why you're not scared about dying?
'Cause you've never been in love?
- Actually, I I--
- I'm, I'm sorry, don't answer that.
Do you wanna raise a family?
I mean, did you want to?
- That's our duty, isn't it?
Make more workers and soldiers for Caesar.
- Caesar's dead.
- No, no, Caesar's alive and well
in the corporate boardrooms
of the military industrial complex.
- So do you wanna have kids?
- I'm not crazy about having little dependents
clinging to me for their survival.
- They're not tapeworms.
They give something back,
they're the greatest pride and joy most people ever know.
They make us feel young again.
They let us relive our childhood from a new perspective.
They make us fully adult for the first time.
The lessons they teach us are far more profound
than anything we teach them.
- Oh, so you want it raw, huh?
I'm sorry that was-- - And you know what,
this may not matter anymore.
- Some baby batter. - But with kids,
we look forward to getting older.
We get to watch them grow up and we're not afraid of dying
'cause the best part of us will keep on living.
- I'm not dying.
- Look, I'm sorry, yes,
you're right here right now and that's all that matters.
- No, I'm really not dying.
I don't have cancer.
- I've seen your medical report.
- It was all a huge mistake.
- Remember DABDA?
- What about it?
- Well, look, there's not one way process.
People go back and forth.
Honey, you're just in denial.
- There's a car following us.
Don't look.
- What, who's following us?
- Maybe the people who tried to shoot me.
- That was a stray bullet. - I don't think so.
I think the company I sold my insurance policy to
was trying to kill me.
- Well, why would they want to?
You only have six months to live.
- They don't wanna leave anything to chance.
Hold on.
- "You may now kiss the bride", give me a break.
I bet he's been screwing your brains out for a year.
- Two.
- So the dentist said, are you afraid of the radiation?
And I said, no, I'm not afraid of the radiation.
I just don't want any x-rays.
They're my teeth.
It's my money.
It's my decision.
Don't try to sell me something I don't need.
- Mother is it good to say that
to someone who's using instruments in your mouth?
- He thinks he's inheriting my money one day.
But what if I wanted to murder someone
by biting them to death?
No, I'm just saying "what if?"
Well, they would use my dental x-rays,
that I paid for, to put me away.
- Who was that?
- Oh, I used to do self-help videos.
He's a fan.
- I'd love to see your videos someday.
- Your sushi's dope.
- I didn't order sushi.
Don't eat that.
- What is wrong with you?
- What, stop, spit that out.
Come on.
I got you.
Open up.
I'm not losing you.
Ow, oh.
- I am placing you under citizen's arrest.
You have the right to shut up!
- What's wrong?
- We didn't order sushi.
- You ordered the dynamite combo.
It's sushi.
- But it didn't say sushi.
- It's sushi.
- Are you okay?
- I, I will be.
- Yeah, sorry that was automatic.
- I just-- - Yeah.
Well the Krav Maga just kicked in.
- It paid off.
- I was trying to do the scrotum rip, but
I didn't have much to get a hold of.
- Oh, the body slam was good enough.
Who do you think is trying to poison you?
Same people who tried to shoot me.
Have you considered seeing a psychologist?
- What number is that on your shirt?
- E.
- Do you like maths?
You know, someday when you get older,
you might fall in love.
I hope not.
- Why do you say that?
- Love is a temporary insanity necessary for reproduction.
It clouds judgment, often leads to regret
and the physical act is disgusting.
- Hmm.
I'm gonna call your insurance company
and ask that you come in here more often.
I think we have the beginning of a deep
and abiding friendship, don't you?
- At least my real friends
just don't charge me 250 an hour.
- I have living expenses.
- So do my friends.
- Good.
You're asserting yourself.
I can help you with that.
- Nothing ruins a friendship faster
than judgment and manipulation,
but they are the essence of psychotherapy.
- That's all the time we have.
- Hello, is anyone there?
- I've spent thousands on therapists.
- Okay, and?
- They're prostitutes.
They dispense pseudo intimacy in exchange for money.
That fits my definition of prostitution.
It's, it's pseudo intimacy, not true intimacy
because it's not mutual and it's not freely given.
No offense to your dad.
At least you didn't tell his prisoners he was their friend.
And prostitution is fine anyway. I mean, why
is it okay to pay for a haircut but not a handjob?
- Well, not everyone feels that way.
Hey, that's really close.
Who's doing that?
- Look out.
- Hey.
That's mine!
- I'm sorry.
- What are you?
- I got you. - What?
Get away. - I got you.
Got you.
- Get off of me.
Ugh.
I make no apology for trying to protect you.
- I didn't ask for an apology.
You seemed pretty angry.
- Only until I got to the shore.
You're not still angry?
- Okay, that's done.
How does that feel?
- Like I made out with a porcupine.
- Since I am the person to notify in case of an emergency,
I have a question to ask.
What kind of final arrangements do you want?
- No cremation. - No cremation?
- Cremation is like giving the finger
to planet earth one last time.
It burns fossil fuels.
It emits greenhouse gas
and it prevents my organic compounds from recycling.
- Alkaline hydrolysis?
- What's that?
- It's where they dissolve the body lye.
They use the liquid as plant fertilizer.
- Lye is toxic.
- Zoroastrian Tower of Silence?
put you up on a telephone pole
and let the vultures do the work?
- There are no vultures around here.
- Seagulls eat carrion.
- No, I want a green burial.
No embalming.
No coffin.
Just put me in a burlap sack.
Maybe a compostable coffin.
Recycled cardboard.
That sounds good.
- And pour some water on me, speed up decomposition.
- We could sprinkle coffee grounds,
stops the animals digging you up.
- Why deprive the animals of their food?
- That's true.
Which is better for the ecosystem,
providing food for the animals,
or decomposing into nutrients for the plants?
Hmm?
- I don't know.
I'll research it.
Good.
- Bart Lomax, attorney at law.
Is Ethan Colby here?
- He just left.
- He said you've helped him tremendously.
- Yeah, he's a good guy.
- He's appointed you as his emergency contact.
So I have some forms for you to fill out.
Even though he is not dying,
they still need to be filled out.
- Excuse me?
- The designation remains in force.
- He's not dying?
- Forgot my bag.
Bart, what's up?
- He just told me that you're not dying.
- I'm sorry.
He's been trying to tell you all week.
You said you would tell her last night.
- How can you not be dying? You have brain cancer.
- My work here is done.
- It was all a huge mistake.
The hospital mixed up the records.
- How could they?
- They just did.
- So you don't have brain cancer?
- No.
- And that's why you've been getting happier?
- Yes.
That and the fact that we've become friends.
- Friends under false pretenses.
- I'm sorry.
- That's why you don't look sick.
- Yes.
- That's why you think someone's trying to kill you.
- Yes.
- How long have you known?
- Only a week.
I've been trying to tell you,
- 10 minutes ago you were telling me
about your burial wishes.
- I don't have any excuse.
- I only went out with you
because I thought you'd be gone soon.
- You just revealed something very important about yourself.
- Well, you know what?
Thank you, but if I wanted a psychoanalyst,
I'll find someone who's not a pathological liar.
- I tried.
You wouldn't let me tell you.
It was like you didn't wanna hear it.
Do you only open up to people who are unavailable?
Is that how you stay safe?
- Yeah, this is all my fault.
I am so stupid. - No.
It's totally my fault.
- Just, just get away from me.
- Annamaria, please.
Can we talk please?
Non-recoverable system failure.
Do not submit crash report.
I sure screwed that up.
- It's just as well.
I was losing objectivity
- But gaining subjectivity.
- It's not your fault.
I told you I would tell her and I didn't.
- I lost your video.
- One sec.
My webcam's obsolete.
- That's better.
- Your new tablet doesn't like my old laptop.
- How long have you had that thing?
- Eight years.
I bond with computers fine.
It's people I don't like.
- You love people.
- I'm like a cat.
I like a little affection, mainly when I'm hungry.
But then I just wanna be left alone.
- Your problem is you think too much.
And I say that as someone who gets paid to think.
Life is so complicated.
If you try to figure everything out by yourself,
your life will be over before you get very far.
You have to trust those who have come before you.
Rely on their wisdom.
Keep what works.
Change what needs to be changed,
but do it carefully.
- It's one divided by zero.
- What is?
- Life.
It's undefined.
So don't try to analyze it.
- To a certain degree,
if that's what works for you.
- Just go with the flow.
Take it easy.
Live and let live.
Let it be.
- Those are songs.
- Wait, wait, is the meter running right now?
Are you padding my bill again?
- Pro bono.
No charge.
- Intruder alert.
If I'm not back in one minute, call the cops.
What?
- My bad, wrong door.
- For sporting events, car trips and movies,
I never miss the action.
I wear Squee-Beez, adult protection.
It's not just for grandpa.
- Thank you.
Bart Lomax, attorney at law.
- My car got repossessed again.
Damn.
- Can you come give me a ride?
No, I'm in court.
- I need a ride.
Call Annamaria?
- No.
She's moved on with her life.
- Oh, oh, oh.
Oh yeah.
Oh yes.
Oh.
Yes, daddy?
Daddy wants you to come to his house right now.
- Well, I have never done that before,
so I would need an extra big tip.
Don't talk back to daddy.
You know Daddy takes care of his Hunny Bunny.
- On my way, Daddy.
You have arrived at your destination.
- Hello?
It's me.
- I'm kind of busy.
I didn't get that gig.
- I'm sorry.
And my car got repossessed again.
- Why, I thought you paid your bills.
I know.
- Look, I'm kind of busy.
Can you come and get me?
I'm stranded. - Ride share.
Please?
- Goodbye.
- You're wearing lipstick.
- You lied to me.
- I never said I was dying after I found out I wasn't.
- You misled me.
- I would do more than that.
I would rob a bank for you.
I would dump toxic waste
on a colony of endangered sea turtles for you.
- This is not the time or the place for humor.
- If you needed it, I would get you a kidney.
Not mine, but I would get you one.
- You getting in or not?
How've you been?
- Installing updates.
Please wait.
- You need more than updates.
You need upgrades.
You need a whole new operating system.
- I'll get right on it,
Hunny Bunny.
- Get out!
- I will, if you-- - I just told you to get out.
- I'll still think the same of you.
I think that you are an incredibly nice person
who makes a little extra money doing cam shows.
But I don't even think you do it for the money.
I think you do it for personal reasons,
which maybe we can laugh about together someday
when we're both very old.
Whoa, this car hauls ass.
- How did you find out?
- The eggplant was the first clue.
- I use a cucumber now.
- What happened to the eggplant?
- I threw it away.
I thought I was done with all this.
- I do the same thing.
- What, you throw your dildos away?
- No, I say I'm never gonna do something again
and then I do it again.
Logically, what you do is none of my business.
But there is an insecure part of me
that doesn't want other people to see you naked.
- That man is waving at you.
Please have airbag serviced.
- Ethan, can you hear me?
- Power on, self test.
Initializing, running diagnostics.
One corrupt file repaired.
I'm okay.
- They shot you.
- No, that's just broken glass.
If they shot me, you would be covered
in healthy, non-cancerous brain tissue.
I was right.
- We have to go. - I was right.
Yes, you were right. We have to go.
Look out, just go.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
- Move. - Okay, hang on.
Wait, are you trying to kill us?
- No.
Jedediah is trying to kill you.
He works for the Kash Kow.
I work for the insurance company.
I'm trying to keep you alive.
- Wait, there are TWO hitmen?
- We prefer to be called risk management specialists.
- You know his name?
- We're in the same union.
- Wait, there's a union?
- Is it true that hitmen refer to their victims as clients?
- No.
The client is the one who hires us.
The client pays a service provider,
that's me, to provide a service.
And then you have a third party.
Here comes the cavalry.
Can I ask a huge favor?
- Yeah, you wanna take my picture?
- No.
Would you please answer three questions about how I did?
I won't look.
It's anonymous.
- Oh, okay.
- Thanks.
I gotta run.
Stay here.
- You two all right?
This is the police.
We've got you surrounded.
Drop your weapons and come out with your hands up.
- Flash bang!
Freeze.
Drop the gun.
Drop the gun, hands up.
- It's a decoy.
All units, suspect is at large.
Suspect is at large.
Maintain your perimeters and continue your sweeps.
- Sergeant Tinkelbaum, reporting sir.
I set up a triage and a blood bank.
We have three ambulances on site.
Two choppers, wheels up.
- Good deal.
Sector one, what's your casualty count?
Sector one, no casualties.
- Sector two, what is your casualty count?
Sector two, all clear.
- We have no casualties.
- Good.
- Ethan Colby?
- Yeah.
- You've been served.
Hey, didn't you take an acting class
at City College last semester?
- Yeah, how are you?
- Good.
And you? - Paying the bills.
- Don't say anything.
- I didn't say.
I didn't say anything. - Shut up.
Bart Lomax, Attorney at law.
Anything my client may have said is purely hypothetical,
spoken under duress
and you will disregard it.
- What's this?
- You're being sued by the Kash Kow.
They want their money back.
- Wait, but you said the contract can't be canceled.
- Except for material misrepresentation..
Are you okay?
- How did you find us?
- Professional courtesy.
Their lawyer called me.
- Material misrepresentation?
- They allege the contract was based on information
you knew or should have known was false.
- But they just tried to kill me.
- We can't prove that.
Plus, even if they catch him, which they won't,
he doesn't know who he's working for.
They never do.
Anyway, they're only suing for the alibi.
Recovering their money through lawful means.
I have an idea.
- So do I.
We have a meeting at the Kash Kow on Monday.
- I've gotta be getting back to the station.
So if you two need anything else,
Sergeant Tinkelbaum here will be glad to help you.
- Thank you.
- Can I ask a favor?
- Yeah. - Do you want me
to press the happy button or the sad button?
- No.
Can we get a photo?
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay.
Thank you. - Oh.
- Whoa. - Sorry.
- Thank you. - Okay.
- Onward!
- Another fan?
- Apparently.
- Guess I thought these were just self-help videos.
- Masturbation is a form of self-help.
- Walk slowly, let him catch up.
- Why are we leaving?
- I do my best negotiating in the parking lot.
- One more thing.
- Yes, sir?
- For accusing me of attempting to murder your client,
I will have you disbarred.
- I didn't accuse you of attempted murder.
I practice civil law, not criminal law.
- Same thing.
- No sir.
Two major differences.
First, in civil law, you don't go to prison.
You just pay us a couple million dollars.
Second, the burden of proof is lower.
- Meaning what?
- A criminal jury needs to be 99% sure you did it.
A civil jury just needs to be 51% sure.
My client is prepared to renegotiate the contract
and offer you a partial refund.
- Let's go back inside.
- Thank you for doing this.
- Don't thank me, thank your lawyer.
It was his idea.
- Well, you didn't have to take us
to such a nice restaurant.
- Are you kidding?
I run a payday loan pawn shop.
You know what the profit margin is on that?
Not not for you.
I mean, you got a good deal.
Really, you did.
But generally I run a rather lucrative business.
- Yes sir?
- What kind of wine do you like?
- I like rose.
- Not rose.
Rose is people who can't make up their mind.
Red or white?
What's the best bottle you have?
- 1990 Grands Echezeaux.
- We'll take it.
- It's $3,000.
- I said we'll take it.
- Outstanding sir.
- Tonight is my gesture of goodwill.
All I can say is, thank God you're okay.
I hope they catch that guy.
- Is something on your mind?
- Just holding in a fart.
- She's hilarious.
Hold onto her, she's hilarious.
Good looking too.
But, but seriously,
I don't blame you for being suspicious.
- Who would try to kill me?
I don't have any enemies.
- Mistaken identity.
- That, that's where they thought you were someone else.
If you thought someone wanted
to collect on the insurance money,
that's not the way it works.
- If someone wanted to kill me,
why would they do it with witnesses and massive gunfire?
- You never know.
- Wouldn't they do it quietly?
Make it look like an accident.
- In my line of work, I deal with some pretty shady people
and they usually do some pretty shady things.
Generally, when they feel like they're being messed with,
they are capable of this.
They don't appreciate it.
- But usually it's about the money.
- It's usually about the money.
But it's nothing about you.
You are just a third party.
- What are you doing?
- I'm making sure it's okay.
- Can you really send back a $3,000 bottle of wine?
- I certainly will if it's not perfect.
But it's perfect.
- Very good, sir.
- But anyway, it's all worked out.
You've got a really good lawyer there.
He made a really good deal.
I am no longer
the beneficiary of your policy.
I am the underwriter.
He sold the policy to some pension fund in Brazil.
When you die, instead of them paying me, I pay out.
They bought it for $700,000.
And with the 200,000 that you already paid back,
that puts me 400,000 ahead.
Everybody's happy.
I'm happy.
You're happy.
- Except the pension fund in Brazil.
- No, that's the beauty of it.
They know you're not dying.
It's worth more to them on paper than it is in cash.
They can use it to have loans and, and make deals.
It's called a collateral forward swap.
- Wait, collateral forward swap?
- It's the next big thing.
It caused the crash of 2008.
But best of all, you never have to see me again.
Here's to a long, healthy life.
- Honey, you have a nosebleed
- Wine always gives me a nosebleed.
- Wait, does wine give nosebleeds?
- Not that I know of.
- Wait, it's on the other side now.
- Must be all this stress.
- But that's all behind you now.
- Honey, are you okay?
Oh, oh my God!
Oh my God!
- It's running down the back of my throat.
- Okay, do you need an ice pack?
Can you, can someone bring him an ice pack?
- Someone get him an ice pack.
- Do do you wanna go to the hospital?
- If I, if I breathe shallow, it's okay.
- The blood is not stopping.
I think, we need to take him to the emergency room.
Okay. - Call an ambulance?
- I'll, I'll drive him.
I ain't paying for this.
- Come on, let's just go.
- May I ask who are you?
- She's my emergency contact.
- Yes, I'm his person to notify in case of an emergency.
- And who is this?
- He's our friend.
- I'm afraid I have bad news.
Two weeks ago we thought there was a mistake
with the lab results, but as it turns out,
there was no mistake.
Unfortunately, the original diagnosis was correct.
You do have malignant glioblastoma.
- That's what I figured.
- What are you saying?
- I have no idea how this happened.
I promise there will be a full investigation.
- What does that mean?
- I spoke to the pathologist myself.
We looked at the report together
and confirmed it was your biopsy.
- Are you positive?
- Yes, I'm very sorry.
- Do you know what he's been through?
- I know how difficult this must be
and I'm sorry for that.
But for now, we're back where we were two weeks ago.
Except now it appears
the tumor has eroded into a blood vessel
in your nasal sinus.
- This is incredible.
- The bleeding has stopped for now.
I can't look inside your nose
because all I would see is blood
and I don't wanna cause more bleeding.
I recommend an MRI.
We may be able to inject a chemical
into the blood vessel to make it stop bleeding.
- This can't be happening. - Now there is a risk
the procedure could cause more bleeding
instead of stopping the bleeding.
Then we would need to perform surgery.
- To stop the bleeding?
- Yes, but it might not be successful.
And even if it was, he would still have the tumor.
- Wait, do you have any idea what you have done to him?
You have brain cancer.
Oh no, no you don't.
Oh wait, yes, yes, yes you do.
- I know how difficult this must be,
but right now-- - Yeah, you know what?
You don't know shit from Shinola.
So get that through your fuzzy little face of yours.
Okay, you've jerked him around like he has no feelings.
- I'm sorry.
- You're not hurting him anymore.
I am still his healthcare surrogate.
And you're, I'm taking him home.
- Well, if you wish to seek medical care--
We're not seeking anything.
- He could bleed again. - Yeah, well you know what--
- He's trying to help us.
- We don't need any help.
- What would you like to do?
- I'm taking him home.
- At least we should do an MRI.
- So you can stop the bleeding,
maybe make it worse,
perform emergency surgery,
and then, oh yeah, that's right, he still has the tumor.
- If we operate,
we can at least remove some of the tumor
and put radiation pellets around it.
- Ethan, do you hear me?
Do you wanna stay here?
Do you wanna go home?
- Alright, then,
we'll set up home hospice.
You can change your mind anytime and come back in.
- You should listen to the doctors.
At least get the MRI.
- He's too weak.
I'll see how he feels tomorrow.
- These doctors can work miracles.
- Can I be alone with him?
- Okay.
- Thank you for driving.
- Don't let him quit.
He's too young.
- Shit, oh, I'm sorry.
- It burns my nose.
- Everyone.
Okay, come here.
Can you take this, all right?
Thank you.
Okay, if you could just tilt your head back
and stay still.
but that was--
- You're timing was just a little bit off.
You started bleeding too soon.
- His timing was off too.
He started bleeding five minutes
after he was supposed to.
- I mean I wanted to taste the wine first.
- How was our acting?
- Oh, it was excellent.
I mean, what technique was that?
Stanislavski or James Lang?
- We just copied the way you two talk to each other.
- You know, for a writer, she does good improv work,
but actually, holding in a fart?
- He laughed.
- You are entertaining.
- I prefer to be behind the camera.
- Are you the directors of the employee pension fund?
- Yes ma'am.
- May I have your identification?
I apologize for the delay.
The bank in the United States,
this Kash Kow was not cooperative.
- We understand.
- The dispute was resolved in your favor.
I have your deposit receipt for $2 million.
- I saw a baby bunny peeking at me under a bush today.
- Really?
- It let me get really close.
You know how a wild animal freezes
and it thinks you can't see it?
- Because it's camouflaged.
- It just stared at me with those big black eyes
like shiny marbles.
- That's so cute.
- And then I saw why it let me get so close.
- Why?
- Because it was a severed head.
- No way? - Yes.
It was so freshly killed that its pupils were
still constricting and dilating.
- Oh, that's adorable.
- You're not upset?
What happened to your compassion?
Okay.
- Predators need to eat as well.
- Yeah, but it was a baby bunny
and you're Hunny Bunny.
- Hunny Bunny is no longer with us.
- Long live Hunny Bunny.
Do you know what day it is?
- The Feast of our Lady of Guadalupe?
- No, today is exactly six months
after I stopped receiving therapy from you.
- So?
- Six month waiting period.
- Oh no, that's tomorrow.
We lost a day from the international date line.
- No, we did not.
We did not cross the international date line.
Today is the day.
- Is that true?
Actors can be so dishonest.
- Well, who deceives more?
The actor who tells the lie
or the scribe who gives it birth?
Is that Shakespeare?
- No.
Ethan Colby.
- Come on.
Is this real or are we acting?
- When have I ever acted with you?
- You said you'd rob a bank for me.
- And I did.