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[low, somber music playing]
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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[interviewer 1] I'll be asking
a bunch of questions.
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- Some about your combat experiences.
- Okay.
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This is the shitty part, I guess, huh?
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[interviewer 1] When in the military,
how often did you fire rounds
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at the enemy?
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On multiple occasions.
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[interviewer 1] Did you ever see
people actively being hit?
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Oh, yeah.
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[interviewer 1] And how often were you
in danger of being pinned down,
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overrun, ambushed, injured, or killed?
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One to two times, three to 12,
13 to 50, 51 or more?
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Fifty-one or more.
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[interviewer 1] Have you been having
pessimistic or self-critical thoughts?
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Absolutely.
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- [interviewer 1] Anxious or nervous?
- Sure.
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Have you been using medications to manage?
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Yeah, like, uh, cyclobenzaprine
and Ambien.
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[sighs] Flowed like rivers
in the SEAL Teams.
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I guess when I look in the mirror,
I don't see anything.
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I just see a shell
of somebody trying to pretend.
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[low, somber music continues]
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[interviewer 1] Have you been feeling sad
or unhappy?
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Uh, sad, yeah.
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Do I occasionally think that sometimes
it'd be better if I just didn't wake up?
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Sure.
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I lied to you last week when you asked me
if I wanted to kill myself.
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I did want to kill myself.
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[interviewer 1] Have you ever used
hallucinogens before?
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No. No.
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No.
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No.
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[sighs]
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[interviewer 2] Marcus,
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tell me about your first experience
with the psychedelic treatment.
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[muffled, distant gunfire]
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[man] ♪ I wanna be a Navy SEAL ♪
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[recruits] ♪ I wanna be a Navy SEAL ♪
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[Marcus] At first, I was just wondering
you know, what was going on.
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Like, when is this gonna start?
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- [calming music playing]
- [buzzing]
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[Marcus] Then I began to get
a buzzing around the ears.
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[wind whooshing]
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[Marcus] All of a sudden, I was in, like,
hyperdrive to different parts of my life.
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- [child exclaiming]
- [indistinct chatter]
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[whistle blows]
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[Marcus] There's a lot of shotgun images
of just everything.
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[reporter] Navy SEAL Petty Officer
First Class Joshua T. Harris drowned
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in rough waters in Afghanistan
during August of 2008…
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[girl] That's my dad right there.
We have to be quiet.
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[indistinct]
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[Marcus] The medicine brings out things
it wants you to see,
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and you don't know why.
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But it's always telling the story.
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[indistinct shouting]
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- [wind howling]
- [photographs rustling]
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[Marcus] During the treatment,
I got pretty sick… for hours.
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[music fades]
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The therapist said she doesn't think
in her 20 years of administering medicine
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that she saw anybody
have such a tough time.
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So, I don't know if that was good or bad.
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I took it as a badge of honor… [chuckles]
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…that, um, I had
a lot of shit to work through.
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[waves crashing]
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[instructor 1] ♪ I wanna be a Navy SEAL! ♪
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{\an8}[recruits] ♪ I wanna be a Navy SEAL ♪
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{\an8}[instructor 1] ♪ I wanna cut off
All of my hair ♪
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{\an8}[recruits] ♪ I wanna cut off
All of my hair ♪
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[instructor 1] ♪ I wanna be a Navy SEAL ♪
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[recruits] ♪ I wanna be a Navy SEAL ♪
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[instructor 1] ♪ Run with me if you dare ♪
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[instructor 2 shouting orders]
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[recruits respond to call]
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[stirring string music playing]
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[Marcus] Navy SEAL training
is physically, mentally
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one of the most demanding things
on the planet.
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That's why it's such a draw.
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[recruit 1 coughing]
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[Marcus] We started with 175,
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and we ended up with 23 original.
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- [instructor 3] Get up. Yeah.
- [gasping]
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[instructor 4] Get you up.
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- [gasping]
- [instructor 4] Come back.
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Come back to the light.
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[Marcus] A lot of people come out
of SEAL training with lifelong injuries.
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But I never had a doubt,
never thought I was going to quit.
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[crowd cheering]
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[Marcus] That wiring started
at an early age.
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You had to succeed.
You had to throw a touchdown.
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You had to hit home runs
to be accepted, to be loved.
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{\an8}I definitely felt like I had to perform
for acceptance into the family.
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I was this tall, skinny kid
that was picked on by others.
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I got my nose broke
in seventh grade by the school bully.
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Then I went from 180 pounds,
six foot four,
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to like 220.
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I didn't take shit anymore after that.
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{\an8}- [recruits shouting indistinctly]
- [helicopter blades whirring]
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{\an8}[rousing string music playing]
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[Marcus] When I got to SEAL training,
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the passion I had
at that time was unbelievable.
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I gotta go run ten miles, 13 miles,
or swim five and a half?
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"Okay. I mean, I guess
that's what I have to do."
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If I were to look actually
at my speedometer,
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we are actually going below zero.
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We're not going to kill you.
I mean, not intentionally.
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I mean, we're just gonna do push-ups.
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Forever.
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[whistle blowing]
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[instructor] Let's go!
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[DJ] My dad was a SEAL.
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He had his moments where he was awesome.
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And then he had moments where he was
a fucking nightmare to be around.
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You know, Dad being in the military,
just gone a lot.
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Gone 300-plus days out of the year.
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Spent a lot of time in isolation.
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Watched a lot of TV.
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[intense music playing]
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[DJ] When I'm 17, I fly out to California,
and I joined the Navy.
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You forget how young,
how juvenile you are at 17.
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[man] It used to be largely physical.
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All we wanted to know was,
can you take the pain?
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We discovered, after time,
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{\an8}that you really want to have
both, you know, physical endurance.
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{\an8}But you also want to have
a character component.
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{\an8}Uh, and you want to groom that character.
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[indistinct chatter]
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[Brian] Are you a good teammate?
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Are you thinking for the whole
and not just for yourself?
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[man] I was a nervous kid.
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{\an8}But once I found out
about becoming a SEAL, I was obsessed.
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{\an8}From that moment on, I was obsessed.
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I… I played war when I was a kid,
past the point where it was cool.
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I just wanted to be in the woods
with cami paint and a toy gun.
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I hated school.
I hated everything about it.
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And so, being the antisocial fuck I was,
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I had never been
in that intimate team mentality,
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and that was a struggle for me.
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[indistinct chatter]
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But when I figured it out, it was heaven.
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You could offer me all the money
in the world to not do this.
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And I would say, "Fuck that.
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be."
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You know? I don't think most people
find that in their lives.
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And I found it.
It was the love of my life.
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[DJ] People speak about the brotherhood,
and most people have never really felt it.
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Like, to me, that's…
that's what being in Teams is.
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[static crackles on radio]
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[news fanfare plays]
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[reporter 1] This just in to our newsroom.
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A plane has crashed
into the World Trade Center.
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Let's get this live update from
1010 WINS correspondent Joan Fleischer.
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Joan, what do you see?
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When 9/11 happened,
they marched us into the TV room.
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We got to see it for like… 30 seconds.
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[reporter 2] There is now
another explosion occurring
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right at this moment
in the other building.
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- Which means--
- [man] God!
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[reporter 3] We're switching
to ABC coverage.
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The other tower of the World Trade Center
has just exploded.
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- This is ABC's continuing coverage.
- [man] Oh my God!
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[Marcus] We didn't understand it.
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We were still just trying
to get through training.
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'Cause, you know, prior to 9/11,
there wasn't really a lot going on.
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We didn't know what war was.
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The fantasy, I think, we thought was,
you were always like Superman.
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We're gonna set up an ambush,
and kill everybody, and whoo-hoo,
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save the princess.
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Um, but you never think
about any of the bad stuff. Ever.
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{\an8}[MC] Sonar Technician service,
Third Class, Marcus Capone,
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{\an8}SEAL Team Ten.
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{\an8}[crowd cheers and applauds]
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{\an8}[woman] In a very, very short time span,
I went from being a college sophomore
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{\an8}to, you know, being a… a mom and a wife
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{\an8}and moving to Coronado, California,
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from the Midwest with a little baby
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and a husband
that was very committed to this new quest.
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I thought that it would be
a matter of going to get this terrorist,
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and guys like Marcus
are the ones to do it.
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And I think, naively, I thought,
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when the mission is over,
we'll just be a normal family.
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{\an8}[band playing lively tune]
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{\an8}- [crowd cheering and clapping]
- [child exclaims]
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{\an8}[reporter 1] The war in Afghanistan
is essentially a manhunt.
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{\an8}The troops that will,
or indeed, may already be engaged
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{\an8}in the hunt are the men of Special Forces,
Rangers, Navy SEALs as well.
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[reporter 2] The Pentagon has confirmed
the US has Special Forces teams
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on the ground, coordinating air strikes.
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- [tense music playing]
- [explosions]
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[reporter 3] With America
at war in two distant lands,
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the war may be longer
than is widely expected
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and predicted at this moment.
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My platoon wanted
to go to Afghanistan first
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because you were ready, you were hungry.
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{\an8}The worse the place was,
the more we wanted to go.
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{\an8}Those were the biggest bullies,
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{\an8}so we wanted to go
and punch 'em in the fuckin' nose.
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[Marcus] Matty was in our sister platoon,
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but one of our platoons
will go to Germany,
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and the other, uh, will go to Afghanistan.
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Yeah, we flipped a coin to decide
who was going to Afghanistan first.
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So when we lost,
we were pissed. [chuckles]
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Like, they were fucking furious,
which I would be too. I… Yeah.
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So we were trying to, like, keep it tight,
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but we were, like, giving these little
low fives to each other. Like…
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[whispering] "We're going to Afghanistan.
We're going to Afghanistan."
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I mean, you tell a Team guy
he's going to get some,
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shit. That's all you gotta say.
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[Marcus] So Matty and our sister platoon,
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they deployed to Afghanistan,
and we deployed to Germany.
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- [interviewer] What happened from there?
- [inhales, exhales deeply]
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{\an8}[somber music playing]
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{\an8}[DJ] June 28, 2005.
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Operation Red Wings.
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That was the greatest loss of life
in SEAL Team history for a long time.
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A team of like four SEALs
launched out a reconnaissance mission
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out into the Kunar.
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Really nasty terrain.
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{\an8}They fast roped in, and…
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{\an8}[sighs]
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{\an8}A bunch of little things kind of added up
and put them in a bad spot,
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behind on timeline,
in a spot they weren't supposed to be.
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And just everything
that could have gone wrong went wrong.
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[Matty] They got discovered.
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And then they got contacted by the enemy.
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And so we got the word.
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We were part of the quick reaction force.
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We were literally sitting there
on the bird.
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The rotors are going.
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We were just waiting to go.
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The elevation up there was high enough
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to where it fucks with
the capability of the helo.
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So the plan was to take guys off the birds
to lighten the load,
234
00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:59,672
go in, come back, pick up the rest.
235
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:02,091
And so we got off.
236
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:06,637
[static buzzes on radio]
237
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,472
[Matty] We were just waitin'.
238
00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:13,143
One of the guys has a sat phone,
and he's like, "Say again. Say again."
239
00:14:15,771 --> 00:14:17,857
And then he just looks at me.
240
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:21,235
And he said, uh,
241
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:24,238
"One of the birds is down."
242
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:28,492
That was the helo I was just on.
243
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:30,911
That was supposed to be me.
244
00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:35,499
[man] The CH-47 helicopter
crashed west of Asadabad
245
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,501
during Operation Red Wing.
246
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:43,173
Initial reports indicate the crash
may have been caused by hostile fire.
247
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:47,511
The status of the service members
remain unknown still at this time.
248
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:50,681
[Matty] We flew in
at night to the crash site.
249
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,518
We were with the Rangers.
They set up a big perimeter.
250
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:58,981
And then we basically searched
251
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,941
all day and then all night.
252
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:06,739
It was horrible.
253
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,120
There's a thing in us.
254
00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:15,748
[sighs] I always call it
the Team guy in my head.
255
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,334
It gets you through training.
256
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:20,336
You know, it gets you through deployments.
257
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:23,589
It gets you through… you know, bad shit.
258
00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:27,092
You're overseas,
and you see half your platoon get killed.
259
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,637
It just keeps you going, keeps you going,
260
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,805
and it's just this voice in your head
that's like,
261
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:34,141
"This is what you're gonna do,"
and you do it.
262
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:39,647
- [somber music playing]
- [helicopter blades whirring]
263
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,986
[music fades]
264
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:48,447
[Marcus] In Germany,
we were getting updates
265
00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:51,158
from our spouses back home
266
00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:54,662
of, you know, so-and-so
267
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:58,415
had, you know, two gentlemen
show up to the house
268
00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:01,168
in full dress blues.
269
00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:04,838
It was like… Then it was like, "Oh no."
270
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:07,383
I just remember,
one time, throwing my phone.
271
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,270
Uh, and, uh…
272
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,858
just, you know, breaking down over,
273
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:28,612
um, friend after friend
that I worked with.
274
00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:40,165
And not being able
to do anything at that time.
275
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:43,961
That was frustrating.
276
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:50,092
You know, and then went from sad to angry.
277
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:54,805
{\an8}[unsettling music playing]
278
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,979
{\an8}[Matty] When we did the ramp ceremony…
279
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,607
It's one of the heaviest things
I've ever had to do.
280
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:15,451
{\an8}You know, this is like
all the caskets on one bird.
281
00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:19,830
{\an8}You go on the ramp,
and then go out the side door of the bird.
282
00:17:19,913 --> 00:17:24,334
{\an8}So we had done the ceremony.
Bagpipes were playing.
283
00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:26,837
{\an8}I got to the side door,
284
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,966
{\an8}and I turned around, and I was like,
"I don't know what I'm doing."
285
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,301
Uh… [sighs]
286
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:39,433
I don't… I don't know
how to get off this plane. Uh…
287
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:41,727
You know?
288
00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:48,275
[sighs]
289
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,528
[exhales sharply]
290
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,782
'Cause we're not supposed to leave 'em.
291
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:59,161
[inhales deeply, exhales shakily]
292
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,754
{\an8}[mournful music fades]
293
00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:12,883
{\an8}The president of the United States
takes pride in presenting
294
00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:16,595
the Silver Star Medal, Purple Heart Medal,
295
00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:20,891
Combat Action Ribbon,
and Afghanistan Campaign Medal
296
00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:25,729
posthumously to Gunner's Mate
Second Class Danny Dietz,
297
00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:27,397
United States Navy.
298
00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:33,153
[DJ] I didn't know Danny.
I'd never met Danny.
299
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:38,992
His wife, Patsy, was the only wife
out of all 11 that stood up and spoke.
300
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:40,661
The only one.
301
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:44,414
And when she did, it was moving, man.
302
00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:47,751
She's young, 22 years old,
and you just see it. It's…
303
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:50,796
Her life just ended.
304
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:56,009
Danny, as I talk about you,
I get butterflies,
305
00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:58,720
like the first night our eyes met.
306
00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:03,225
I remember getting lost
in those dark eyes of yours.
307
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:07,521
I'm so sorry you had to die
in the way you did. [sniffles]
308
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:12,401
I just hope you can leave Earth
and go to Heaven
309
00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:15,988
with memories of our intense love
of four years.
310
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:21,994
I would just give my life right now
to just have one more day with you
311
00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:23,787
and one last kiss.
312
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,124
[gentle music playing]
313
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:32,129
{\an8}[Patsy] When I graduated high school,
314
00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:37,801
{\an8}I signed my papers to join the Navy,
and once I got to my first command,
315
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:39,928
{\an8}which was here in Virginia Beach,
316
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,680
{\an8}it was life-changing.
317
00:19:44,474 --> 00:19:48,437
I was in the Navy, but I didn't know
really that there was even SEALs.
318
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,898
What was a Navy SEAL?
I just never heard of it. You know?
319
00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:53,442
And Mom asked me,
Like, "Hey, there's a barbecue."
320
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:54,735
"Would you like to join us?"
321
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:59,239
And I remember her telling me,
"There's a really nice gentleman here."
322
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,658
His name was Danny, and, um…
323
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:04,661
When I got there,
sure enough, Mom introduced me to him.
324
00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:08,957
And… after that, we just never separated.
325
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,417
It was just crazy.
326
00:20:11,668 --> 00:20:16,715
It was just a really beautiful,
innocent… love.
327
00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:21,178
[tearfully] I promise you
that one day I will meet you again,
328
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:25,807
and we will pick up
and complete the fairytale life
329
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,309
where you left it.
330
00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:32,105
I love you. Always yours,
your wife, Mrs. Dietz.
331
00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:44,451
[gentle music fades]
332
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:49,623
[Brian] You've got a… a group of folks
predominantly from one unit.
333
00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:51,875
They are the tribe.
334
00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:55,003
And then you have a mass casualty.
335
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:58,966
{\an8}All of a sudden,
a bunch of guys don't come home.
336
00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:00,717
{\an8}What are we gonna do here?
337
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:04,179
{\an8}Well, we're gonna get back on the pony
and kick some ass.
338
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:08,267
{\an8}That's what we're gonna do.
There's no other choice.
339
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:10,602
{\an8}[intense music playing]
340
00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:21,154
[Marcus] When we first got in country,
341
00:21:21,863 --> 00:21:25,826
we went out
literally two days after we showed up.
342
00:21:32,708 --> 00:21:34,584
First light, direct action.
343
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:36,962
Raid on a compound.
344
00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:42,175
Helicopters, Black Hawks.
345
00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:44,303
Wind's blowing everywhere.
346
00:21:48,098 --> 00:21:51,184
I was a breacher.
A breacher gets through doors.
347
00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:56,273
Could be a sledgehammer.
348
00:21:56,356 --> 00:21:58,734
- [explosion]
- [Marcus] A small explosive.
349
00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:03,280
- [explosion]
- [Marcus] Or a very large explosive.
350
00:22:04,072 --> 00:22:06,116
[high-pitched ringing]
351
00:22:06,199 --> 00:22:09,536
It's like getting a huge hit in football
where you just laid somebody out,
352
00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:12,706
and your bell's a little rung,
and you're just like, "Oh, fuck yes."
353
00:22:12,789 --> 00:22:14,624
[indistinct chatter]
354
00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:16,793
[helicopter blades whirring]
355
00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:19,588
[Marcus] At that time, my close friends,
356
00:22:20,922 --> 00:22:24,926
myself, you know,
we… we wanted to go to war.
357
00:22:28,388 --> 00:22:30,390
[indistinct radio chatter]
358
00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:41,610
[Matty] After Red Wings,
we had like a month-and-a-half
359
00:22:41,693 --> 00:22:44,196
or two-month decompression time
or some shit.
360
00:22:44,279 --> 00:22:48,075
And Marcus and them
took our places in Afghanistan.
361
00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:51,370
So we go to Germany, and, uh,
362
00:22:51,912 --> 00:22:54,206
{\an8}one of the shrinks came out.
363
00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:57,501
{\an8}And we all had to talk to this guy.
Like, it was mandatory.
364
00:22:57,584 --> 00:23:00,128
No one wanted to.
Everybody was like, "Fuck that."
365
00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:03,924
And then everybody ended up spending
two hours with this dude. He was awesome.
366
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:07,803
And I just remember him telling all of us,
"Hey, listen."
367
00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:11,640
"When you guys get home,
don't make any major decisions."
368
00:23:12,307 --> 00:23:15,644
"Don't start a relationship.
Don't end a relationship."
369
00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:19,940
"Don't do anything 'cause you guys
are not processing this shit yet."
370
00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:23,235
And then of course,
I go home and wreck everything.
371
00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:27,656
And then we jumped right back
into a platoon and started doing workup
372
00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:30,992
which was a… [sighs] …horrible idea.
373
00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:36,706
Not long after we got in country,
we went out on an op and came back.
374
00:23:36,790 --> 00:23:38,959
And… I just laughed.
375
00:23:39,042 --> 00:23:40,961
And I don't remember
who was in the back seat.
376
00:23:41,044 --> 00:23:43,088
But I remember him saying,
"What are you laughing at?"
377
00:23:43,171 --> 00:23:47,175
I was like, "Man, this is the first time
I've been able to sleep in months."
378
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,930
Like, I couldn't find
a fucking second's peace…
379
00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:55,350
at home.
380
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:58,812
And then as soon as I get to Fallujah,
I can sleep like a baby.
381
00:24:00,730 --> 00:24:02,691
It's… it's kinda weird.
382
00:24:04,234 --> 00:24:06,236
[mournful strings playing]
383
00:24:07,946 --> 00:24:12,075
[DJ] Started my second rotation,
2007, going back to Iraq.
384
00:24:12,659 --> 00:24:17,414
We got Matty Roberts in the troop,
and he had a, uh… a very solid reputation.
385
00:24:17,914 --> 00:24:21,543
And you could tell
he was searching for a family again.
386
00:24:22,043 --> 00:24:24,296
And I definitely looked at him
like a big brother.
387
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:29,509
The team that we were with,
it was everything I ever wanted.
388
00:24:30,010 --> 00:24:32,262
It was like being drafted
and going to the Patriots.
389
00:24:32,345 --> 00:24:35,557
You had all the assets,
you had all the intelligence folks,
390
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:39,269
you had every supporting system
you could ever want at your disposal.
391
00:24:39,895 --> 00:24:41,938
And people worth going after.
392
00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:43,190
It motivated you.
393
00:24:43,273 --> 00:24:46,401
You woke up every day, and you swung
your feet out of bed with a purpose.
394
00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:50,614
{\an8}At the same time,
you become numb to the risk.
395
00:24:52,699 --> 00:24:55,535
{\an8}I've been in a bunch of situations,
a bunch of really bad ones.
396
00:24:56,036 --> 00:24:58,497
Like, you get shot at from 200 meters,
that's bad.
397
00:24:58,580 --> 00:24:59,748
Fifty meters, that's bad.
398
00:25:00,373 --> 00:25:02,292
Five meters will change your life.
399
00:25:02,959 --> 00:25:04,961
[helicopter blades whirring]
400
00:25:05,962 --> 00:25:08,590
- [man 1] Guy up on that ditch was moving.
- [man 2] Yup, I see him.
401
00:25:08,673 --> 00:25:10,592
- [man 1] He's forward of you.
- [man 2] Okay.
402
00:25:13,386 --> 00:25:15,347
[Matty] We went out on an op one night.
403
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:19,392
The bird spotted some people
running out into a field.
404
00:25:20,477 --> 00:25:23,021
And, uh, we got picked to go after 'em.
405
00:25:23,104 --> 00:25:25,106
[insects chirring]
406
00:25:26,399 --> 00:25:28,735
[DJ] It's this thick overbrush.
407
00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:32,405
And it's high.
You know, six foot in some spots.
408
00:25:34,324 --> 00:25:37,911
And the plane puts
a night vision beam of light
409
00:25:37,994 --> 00:25:39,663
on this guy so we can see it.
410
00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:47,254
And we're all looking at the ground.
411
00:25:47,754 --> 00:25:48,672
Take a step.
412
00:25:49,172 --> 00:25:53,218
Four feet. Everybody's whispering.
We're just listening to the communication.
413
00:25:53,301 --> 00:25:55,303
[helicopter blades whirring]
414
00:25:56,179 --> 00:26:00,850
[DJ] It's a pilot, and he sees
a single individual inside that field.
415
00:26:01,643 --> 00:26:03,520
So he can watch us walking on him.
416
00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:05,522
Three feet.
417
00:26:06,439 --> 00:26:07,649
Two feet.
418
00:26:07,732 --> 00:26:09,442
Heart rate's at 190.
419
00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:12,362
I'm just about to jump out of my skin,
I'm so scared right now.
420
00:26:12,445 --> 00:26:14,155
[grass rustling]
421
00:26:15,115 --> 00:26:18,368
[DJ] "Third guy from the right,
you are standing on him."
422
00:26:20,287 --> 00:26:22,330
One, two, three.
423
00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:26,293
That dude's not there.
424
00:26:31,756 --> 00:26:34,092
And at one point, Jay hears something.
425
00:26:35,093 --> 00:26:36,720
And I remember he yelled, "Hey."
426
00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:38,138
"Hey!"
427
00:26:38,221 --> 00:26:41,182
- [gunfire]
- [group clamoring]
428
00:26:41,266 --> 00:26:44,978
[DJ] The moment he finished that "hey,"
that dude opened up.
429
00:26:47,897 --> 00:26:52,694
So we sprinted to the single tractor tire
about 15 feet behind me.
430
00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:59,200
A bunch of bad guys
had left the compound, had doubled back.
431
00:26:59,284 --> 00:27:01,161
And now it's just all-consuming.
432
00:27:01,661 --> 00:27:04,039
But I can't fire back,
'cause I can't see anybody.
433
00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:06,625
My NODs are cockeyed.
There's dirt blowing in my eyes.
434
00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:08,001
Man, you can't see shit.
435
00:27:08,084 --> 00:27:10,086
- [gunfire]
- [clamoring]
436
00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:12,672
[Matty] A corpsman went down.
437
00:27:13,757 --> 00:27:16,635
And I ran up, grabbed him,
and started pulling him back.
438
00:27:17,385 --> 00:27:19,054
And then I got hit.
439
00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:21,431
- [loud blast]
- [Matty] It spun me around.
440
00:27:22,307 --> 00:27:25,477
I thought my arm was gone.
I thought it was completely gone.
441
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:26,978
When I looked down under my NODs,
442
00:27:27,062 --> 00:27:29,564
all I could see was the end of my…
my T-shirt.
443
00:27:29,648 --> 00:27:31,399
So… And I can't feel anything.
444
00:27:31,483 --> 00:27:34,402
- [gunfire]
- [clamoring]
445
00:27:34,486 --> 00:27:36,279
[Matty] I'm bleeding out, for sure.
446
00:27:37,113 --> 00:27:40,241
And I had about a half a second of panic.
447
00:27:40,325 --> 00:27:42,452
I was like,
"I gotta get the fuck outta here."
448
00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,667
Team guy. In my brain.
449
00:27:48,750 --> 00:27:49,959
[inhales deeply]
450
00:27:50,043 --> 00:27:53,254
It's like he literally slapped me
across the face and said,
451
00:27:53,338 --> 00:27:58,802
"If you leave him and you survive,
you will never look in the mirror again."
452
00:27:58,885 --> 00:28:01,137
- [rapid gunfire]
- [indistinct shouting]
453
00:28:09,020 --> 00:28:12,148
[Matty] I said, "Look.
I'm gonna drag you as far as I can."
454
00:28:12,232 --> 00:28:14,359
"If I stop, you just keep going."
455
00:28:16,820 --> 00:28:19,364
Grab everybody,
bring 'em behind the tractor tire,
456
00:28:19,447 --> 00:28:21,074
and we start going to work.
457
00:28:21,157 --> 00:28:22,659
[indistinct radio chatter]
458
00:28:24,619 --> 00:28:26,663
[DJ] Now we're trying
to work through blowout kits.
459
00:28:26,746 --> 00:28:28,581
We're trying to put on tourniquets.
460
00:28:29,749 --> 00:28:31,000
Matty's bleeding out.
461
00:28:31,084 --> 00:28:34,003
I'm trying to apply a tourniquet
to Matty's arm.
462
00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:37,465
And he is screaming.
I remember him looking on the ground.
463
00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:40,218
He thought his arm got shot off
just by the way it flipped.
464
00:28:40,301 --> 00:28:41,469
He's looking at a stub.
465
00:28:42,679 --> 00:28:46,933
But at the same time, these dudes
are shooting at you. Continuously.
466
00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:50,770
Since he was so close in proximity,
if you would have leaned over,
467
00:28:50,854 --> 00:28:51,938
he would have shot you.
468
00:28:52,021 --> 00:28:55,442
The only thing we can do
is we can call in a fire mission.
469
00:28:56,025 --> 00:28:58,153
[Jay] We need rounds down and out.
We do not see him.
470
00:28:58,236 --> 00:29:00,613
We have multiple wounded.
We need rounds down.
471
00:29:03,950 --> 00:29:07,579
[DJ] I remember the pilot saying no.
He said, "It's too close. We can't do it."
472
00:29:07,662 --> 00:29:09,247
[gunner] Focus ready, danger close…
473
00:29:11,291 --> 00:29:13,585
[DJ] Jay said, "If you don't,
we're all gonna die anyway."
474
00:29:13,668 --> 00:29:16,212
Gave his initials. Juliet Alpha, send it.
475
00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:17,964
[Jay] Juliet-Alpha.
476
00:29:18,047 --> 00:29:19,674
[pilot] Cleared for fire. Go ahead on two.
477
00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:20,800
[gunner] Two is armed!
478
00:29:20,884 --> 00:29:22,927
[missile blasts]
479
00:29:23,011 --> 00:29:24,679
[pilot] Okay, that was
right on top of them.
480
00:29:25,472 --> 00:29:27,432
- Give me some more there.
- [gunner] Roger that.
481
00:29:27,515 --> 00:29:29,267
- [gunfire]
- [indistinct shouting]
482
00:29:29,350 --> 00:29:32,270
- [aircraft whirs overhead]
- [loud blast]
483
00:29:32,353 --> 00:29:34,355
[helicopter blades whirring]
484
00:29:37,942 --> 00:29:41,446
[DJ] We call in the helicopter,
and we load everybody up, and I jump in.
485
00:29:47,076 --> 00:29:50,663
The back of that helo looked
like Black Hawk Down.
486
00:29:51,164 --> 00:29:54,918
Just blood and blowout kits
and bullets and magazines
487
00:29:55,001 --> 00:29:57,712
just spewed all over that thing.
488
00:30:00,131 --> 00:30:01,758
[chuckles wryly]
489
00:30:01,841 --> 00:30:03,218
[exhales sharply]
490
00:30:03,718 --> 00:30:04,636
Fuck.
491
00:30:11,351 --> 00:30:14,229
- [somber music playing]
- [helicopter blades whirring]
492
00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:29,577
[Matty] You know, I'd rehabbed
and gone surgery, surgery, surgery.
493
00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:32,705
You know? And I, physically, was healed.
494
00:30:32,789 --> 00:30:34,207
You know, at least I thought.
495
00:30:35,583 --> 00:30:39,003
But mentally, I went so fucking downhill.
496
00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:42,632
It was insane. Like, it was horrible.
497
00:30:44,926 --> 00:30:48,555
I had one doctor tell me,
"You've got traumatic brain injury."
498
00:30:48,638 --> 00:30:51,683
"You've absolutely got
post-traumatic stress."
499
00:30:52,767 --> 00:30:55,770
He said, "Our recommendation
is you're done, man."
500
00:30:58,314 --> 00:31:02,277
I told him I wanted to stay in,
but I would finish at training commands.
501
00:31:05,029 --> 00:31:09,325
{\an8}Even though I was still in the Navy,
my ego was just raging.
502
00:31:09,409 --> 00:31:11,703
{\an8}Like, I felt so guilt-ridden.
503
00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:15,790
There are times
when I wish I would've lost my arm.
504
00:31:17,584 --> 00:31:19,961
Because it would've been easier to accept.
505
00:31:22,046 --> 00:31:25,967
What's this brain shit? You know?
What's this PTSD shit? What the fuck?
506
00:31:29,053 --> 00:31:30,471
I didn't want to see DJ.
507
00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:33,391
I didn't want to see Marcus.
I didn't want to see any of 'em.
508
00:31:36,686 --> 00:31:41,524
{\an8}Now… the Team guy
in my head becomes toxic.
509
00:31:42,275 --> 00:31:44,569
That voice is like, "You fucking coward."
510
00:31:44,652 --> 00:31:46,487
"You motherfucking quitter."
511
00:31:47,238 --> 00:31:49,782
"Those guys are over there,
and they're still doing it."
512
00:31:49,866 --> 00:31:51,868
"And you're sitting here."
513
00:31:52,368 --> 00:31:54,287
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
514
00:31:56,748 --> 00:32:00,043
In my head, the brotherhood was gone.
515
00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:10,261
[DJ] I came back from that. Um…
516
00:32:11,512 --> 00:32:13,348
I noticed the anxiety.
517
00:32:13,431 --> 00:32:15,516
I noticed the depression right away.
518
00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:18,978
I tried to be normal.
I tried to generalize it.
519
00:32:19,479 --> 00:32:20,813
That's what happens. You know?
520
00:32:22,732 --> 00:32:25,818
The TBI and with the memory loss,
I'd meet someone,
521
00:32:25,902 --> 00:32:28,363
shake their hands,
"I have no idea what you just said."
522
00:32:28,446 --> 00:32:30,490
"I don't know what your name is. No idea."
523
00:32:30,990 --> 00:32:32,867
- [interviewer 1] Did you tell anyone?
- No.
524
00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:35,495
- No.
- [interviewer 1] How long until you did?
525
00:32:35,578 --> 00:32:37,538
Oh, five or six years.
526
00:32:44,879 --> 00:32:48,383
[Patsy] All the wives that I hung out with
from Danny's platoon,
527
00:32:48,466 --> 00:32:50,343
we now didn't have husbands.
528
00:32:50,843 --> 00:32:52,053
So we had each other.
529
00:32:52,136 --> 00:32:53,805
And we became best friends.
530
00:32:53,888 --> 00:32:55,890
[bright, hopeful music playing]
531
00:33:01,187 --> 00:33:04,440
One time they had a dinner out in town,
and one of the wives called me.
532
00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:07,110
They're like, "The guys
from Team Ten came back."
533
00:33:07,193 --> 00:33:09,112
"Would you like to join us?"
534
00:33:09,612 --> 00:33:10,655
[DJ] They warned me.
535
00:33:10,738 --> 00:33:12,782
Like, "Patsy's coming.
You finally get to meet her."
536
00:33:12,865 --> 00:33:13,908
"Cool."
537
00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:17,286
Like, "She talks a lot of shit.
You gotta be ready."
538
00:33:17,370 --> 00:33:19,706
"I got it." I'm like, "I got it."
539
00:33:20,873 --> 00:33:26,879
[Patsy] But I remember this cocky
little young SEAL, out of nowhere…
540
00:33:26,963 --> 00:33:29,132
Didn't know who I was. I've never met him.
541
00:33:29,215 --> 00:33:33,386
And she proceeded to ream my ass
about five minutes. It was perfect.
542
00:33:33,469 --> 00:33:36,556
[Patsy] And finally, he got my number
543
00:33:37,056 --> 00:33:40,143
and just started texting and saying,
"Would love to take you to lunch."
544
00:33:40,226 --> 00:33:42,353
And, uh, one thing led to the other.
545
00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:49,444
[DJ] I was concerned
she was gun-shy after Danny.
546
00:33:49,527 --> 00:33:50,653
[bright music fades]
547
00:33:50,737 --> 00:33:52,780
[DJ] I didn't think she had
another deployment in her,
548
00:33:52,864 --> 00:33:53,948
and I was very open.
549
00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:56,534
Like, "I'm gonna keep deploying,
and I don't want to stop."
550
00:33:56,617 --> 00:33:59,328
"And if you can't do this,
I understand it."
551
00:34:00,496 --> 00:34:03,124
Uh, that's not something
I wanted to go through again.
552
00:34:03,207 --> 00:34:06,544
But he was just different,
and he was just…
553
00:34:06,627 --> 00:34:10,923
Um, there was something about him
that felt like home again.
554
00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:14,135
And after so many years, he made me laugh.
555
00:34:14,218 --> 00:34:18,514
And that was something,
you know, I missed.
556
00:34:18,598 --> 00:34:21,100
[gentle music playing]
557
00:34:21,184 --> 00:34:24,729
[Patsy] We had been together
for almost a… a year.
558
00:34:24,812 --> 00:34:29,108
And I was going to visit
Danny's grave site in Colorado.
559
00:34:29,192 --> 00:34:30,902
And he wanted to join me.
560
00:34:30,985 --> 00:34:36,032
And he dropped me off at the cemetery,
and he went off, gave me my space.
561
00:34:36,115 --> 00:34:38,910
[inhales deeply, clears throat]
He came back to pick me up,
562
00:34:38,993 --> 00:34:41,746
and as I'm getting in the car,
he's like, "Hey, um,
563
00:34:41,829 --> 00:34:43,915
do you mind if I go see his grave site?"
564
00:34:43,998 --> 00:34:48,002
"I've never met him when he was alive.
I would just like to pay my respect."
565
00:34:50,963 --> 00:34:53,424
{\an8}He went to his grave site and kneed down.
566
00:34:55,176 --> 00:34:59,097
{\an8}And I could tell that he was tear-eyed,
and then he came back in the car.
567
00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:03,184
And then we got back
on Thanksgiving night.
568
00:35:03,267 --> 00:35:05,645
We had friends. We had, uh, family here.
569
00:35:05,728 --> 00:35:10,483
And he got on one knee
and asked me to marry him.
570
00:35:11,776 --> 00:35:15,029
Come to find out,
he wanted to make that trip
571
00:35:15,113 --> 00:35:18,282
so he could ask Danny
permission to marry me.
572
00:35:19,700 --> 00:35:22,286
And I just felt like
573
00:35:23,454 --> 00:35:26,165
if there was any guilt
of moving on with my life
574
00:35:26,249 --> 00:35:27,500
and being with him,
575
00:35:28,167 --> 00:35:31,379
that just solidified
that he was the right person.
576
00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:39,178
[gentle music fades]
577
00:35:39,262 --> 00:35:40,805
[dramatic music playing]
578
00:35:40,888 --> 00:35:44,475
- [helicopter blades whirring]
- [indistinct shouting]
579
00:35:51,524 --> 00:35:55,403
{\an8}[Marcus] You know, from 2005 to 2010,
it was just a busy time.
580
00:35:55,486 --> 00:35:56,946
[indistinct chatter]
581
00:35:58,197 --> 00:36:01,200
[Marcus] The amount of operations
that, you know, we just did
582
00:36:01,284 --> 00:36:04,036
as an overall
special operations community was…
583
00:36:04,787 --> 00:36:08,749
You know, it was huge.
It was hundreds of missions every…
584
00:36:08,833 --> 00:36:09,792
you know, every month.
585
00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:11,752
So it was just nonstop.
586
00:36:22,847 --> 00:36:28,019
[Amber] Marcus was easily approaching
300 days a year away.
587
00:36:28,769 --> 00:36:30,229
[grunting]
588
00:36:30,313 --> 00:36:33,983
[Amber] And so, when he came home
from that, he was definitely getting
589
00:36:34,483 --> 00:36:37,486
more and more… distant.
590
00:36:39,780 --> 00:36:45,703
{\an8}It felt like he didn't really want
to even be home a lot of the time.
591
00:36:52,919 --> 00:36:55,755
[Brian] Out of a tremendous degree
of dedication,
592
00:36:55,838 --> 00:37:00,801
a lot of the folks that deployed
would not get off the merry-go-round.
593
00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:04,764
And I think that, uh,
a couple years into it,
594
00:37:04,847 --> 00:37:09,018
we really started to see, you know,
the impacts of not taking a break.
595
00:37:11,103 --> 00:37:13,564
[reporter 1] A military Chinook helicopter
was shot down
596
00:37:13,648 --> 00:37:15,274
in the dark night east of Kabul,
597
00:37:15,358 --> 00:37:18,736
killing 30 US troops and eight Afghans,
everyone on board.
598
00:37:18,819 --> 00:37:22,782
Among the Americans killed, 22 Navy SEALs,
most of them from Team Six.
599
00:37:22,865 --> 00:37:26,994
[Amber] The deaths continued,
deployment after deployment.
600
00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:29,080
It was just unheard of.
601
00:37:29,163 --> 00:37:32,750
[reporter 2] Nicolas Checque
was just 28 years old.
602
00:37:32,833 --> 00:37:34,252
He had been a Navy SEAL…
603
00:37:34,335 --> 00:37:37,964
[reporter 3] 27-year-old David Warsen
was an East Kentwood High School grad,
604
00:37:38,047 --> 00:37:39,590
a man who loved his family…
605
00:37:39,674 --> 00:37:43,010
[reporter 4] Navy SEAL Petty Officer
First Class Joshua T. Harris
606
00:37:43,094 --> 00:37:48,182
drowned in rough waters in Afghanistan
during August of 2008. His parents…
607
00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:52,228
[Marcus] Josh Harris was definitely,
you know, one of my best friends.
608
00:37:53,020 --> 00:37:55,439
He was doing some reconnaissance.
609
00:37:55,940 --> 00:37:58,067
He swam out, and he was on a tether,
610
00:37:58,567 --> 00:38:01,612
and the tether just snapped,
611
00:38:02,446 --> 00:38:04,365
and basically,
he got swept down the river.
612
00:38:05,074 --> 00:38:08,077
And so we didn't find him
until 12 hours later.
613
00:38:08,577 --> 00:38:11,914
It was like 35 miles,
50 clicks down the river.
614
00:38:11,998 --> 00:38:13,582
[music grows somber]
615
00:38:35,146 --> 00:38:40,484
[Amber] I… I think he had to have felt
some level of survivor's guilt.
616
00:38:40,985 --> 00:38:43,738
You know, there was
a lot of masking going on.
617
00:38:43,821 --> 00:38:48,367
A lot of self-medicating,
across the board, not just with him.
618
00:38:56,334 --> 00:38:58,878
It really felt like Russian roulette.
619
00:38:58,961 --> 00:39:01,589
I mean, it felt
like every time he would leave,
620
00:39:02,173 --> 00:39:04,467
he may not come home.
621
00:39:04,967 --> 00:39:07,762
{\an8}I remember we were dropping him off
at the command.
622
00:39:07,845 --> 00:39:09,138
{\an8}[inhales deeply]
623
00:39:09,221 --> 00:39:13,267
{\an8}And, um… [sighs heavily]
…I remember just screaming.
624
00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:15,311
You know, screaming and crying.
625
00:39:15,394 --> 00:39:17,396
Like, "Please, don't go."
626
00:39:20,399 --> 00:39:24,820
[Marcus] The last deployment, both Caden
and Maggie were hysterical crying,
627
00:39:25,321 --> 00:39:27,114
and that really hurt.
628
00:39:29,992 --> 00:39:31,369
And so,
629
00:39:31,869 --> 00:39:35,623
it was time to, like,
take a… a knee for a while
630
00:39:35,706 --> 00:39:38,709
and try to put my family back together.
631
00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:49,720
This letter was written in 2013
to receive a medical retirement.
632
00:39:52,223 --> 00:39:55,976
"I am soon separating
after 12 and a half years of naval service
633
00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:58,938
with my entire career spent
in the SEAL Teams."
634
00:40:07,154 --> 00:40:09,657
"My mental condition has diminished."
635
00:40:09,740 --> 00:40:13,536
"I've tried to hide this
for the past couple of years,
636
00:40:13,619 --> 00:40:17,415
but it has been painfully obvious
to the people close to me
637
00:40:17,498 --> 00:40:20,793
that I am struggling
in many aspects of my life."
638
00:40:27,716 --> 00:40:30,678
"I pulled my pistol
from the safe more times than I can count,
639
00:40:30,761 --> 00:40:32,763
just from the doorbell ringing."
640
00:40:33,264 --> 00:40:35,808
"I've lost contact
with many close friends."
641
00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:39,603
"My temper is sporadic.
I find myself easily angry,
642
00:40:39,687 --> 00:40:46,068
and I am in constant struggle
with anxiety, nightmares, depression."
643
00:40:46,152 --> 00:40:48,195
"With all this, I am ultimately proud
644
00:40:48,279 --> 00:40:51,449
of the career I have chosen
for the last 13 years."
645
00:40:52,116 --> 00:40:53,534
"M. Capone."
646
00:40:55,661 --> 00:40:58,873
I was concerned about
647
00:40:59,373 --> 00:41:02,418
how he would function
outside of the Teams,
648
00:41:02,501 --> 00:41:07,256
but I was also grasping
at any sense of normalcy.
649
00:41:10,301 --> 00:41:12,845
[Caden] That's when my dad
was transitioning out of the military.
650
00:41:14,180 --> 00:41:16,348
It was like, "We're moving to Texas."
651
00:41:16,932 --> 00:41:19,977
"We're gonna be together as a family.
Like, everything's gonna be great."
652
00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:26,025
Really quickly, I think we all realized
that was just not the case.
653
00:41:26,108 --> 00:41:28,110
{\an8}[gentle piano music playing]
654
00:41:31,071 --> 00:41:33,282
{\an8}[Marcus] When you separate from the tribe,
655
00:41:33,908 --> 00:41:37,912
{\an8}you look for anything you can
to fill that void.
656
00:41:41,165 --> 00:41:44,126
I'm bored, so I just wanted
to take a video.
657
00:41:44,210 --> 00:41:45,294
Let's go.
658
00:41:45,377 --> 00:41:47,713
[Amber and Marcus speaking indistinctly]
659
00:41:52,343 --> 00:41:54,094
[Marcus] I started drinking hard.
660
00:41:55,596 --> 00:41:58,140
I got put on antidepressants.
661
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:04,230
I remember throwing mugs through windows
and just flipping out.
662
00:42:09,652 --> 00:42:13,239
[Caden] He would never, like, beat me up.
Maybe shove me.
663
00:42:13,739 --> 00:42:17,326
But he had that look,
and once he got that look, it was like,
664
00:42:17,409 --> 00:42:18,911
get the fuck out of his way.
665
00:42:21,830 --> 00:42:24,833
[Maggie whispering] That's my dad
right there. We have to be quiet.
666
00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:29,797
[Amber, voice breaking]
I remember one time,
667
00:42:30,297 --> 00:42:33,050
I was trying to get
between the two of them,
668
00:42:34,718 --> 00:42:37,972
and I can't imagine the fear
669
00:42:38,639 --> 00:42:40,975
that Caden was feeling,
670
00:42:44,144 --> 00:42:50,526
being chased by this monster
that you have idolized your whole life.
671
00:42:52,444 --> 00:42:54,863
[Caden] I was getting in trouble
at school,
672
00:42:54,947 --> 00:42:56,490
doing a lot of drugs.
673
00:42:57,533 --> 00:42:59,410
Like, the family was there for him.
674
00:42:59,493 --> 00:43:01,787
He… he was the guy that got back from war.
675
00:43:02,496 --> 00:43:06,166
What we were going through
was never really as important
676
00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:08,711
as what he was going through.
677
00:43:12,673 --> 00:43:16,176
[Marcus] I thought Amber and the kids
would be 1,000 times better
678
00:43:16,260 --> 00:43:17,803
if I wasn't here.
679
00:43:18,679 --> 00:43:22,516
You know, I come home,
it causes… all types of problems.
680
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:23,642
Everybody.
681
00:43:23,726 --> 00:43:26,979
Kids don't want to hang out with me.
Amber doesn't want to talk.
682
00:43:27,062 --> 00:43:31,233
Like, they would live a much better life
if I wasn't on this earth.
683
00:43:37,781 --> 00:43:42,161
[Amber] One night, Marcus was watching
some old training films.
684
00:43:45,372 --> 00:43:46,832
And I went to bed.
685
00:43:49,918 --> 00:43:54,673
And at like five o'clock
in the morning, I go in,
686
00:43:54,757 --> 00:43:58,010
and Marcus is sitting there
with an empty bottle of whiskey
687
00:43:58,093 --> 00:43:59,595
and a loaded gun.
688
00:44:01,096 --> 00:44:02,264
And…
689
00:44:03,015 --> 00:44:04,558
[gentle music ends abruptly]
690
00:44:04,642 --> 00:44:09,063
…he picked it up and said,
"Get the fuck away from me."
691
00:44:26,622 --> 00:44:28,540
{\an8}[Amber] Marcus went through the VA.
692
00:44:28,624 --> 00:44:30,542
{\an8}They did sleep studies.
693
00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:31,919
{\an8}They did imaging.
694
00:44:32,002 --> 00:44:34,296
{\an8}They did psychological measures.
695
00:44:34,380 --> 00:44:36,465
{\an8}None of those things were working.
696
00:44:37,841 --> 00:44:40,260
{\an8}He was on, you know, ten medications.
697
00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:42,304
{\an8}He was on something to sleep,
something to wake up,
698
00:44:42,388 --> 00:44:45,432
{\an8}something for focus, something for energy,
something for nightmares,
699
00:44:45,516 --> 00:44:47,476
{\an8}something for depression,
something for anxiety.
700
00:44:47,559 --> 00:44:49,937
He was taking the medications.
701
00:44:50,020 --> 00:44:52,064
He was doing talk therapy.
702
00:44:52,147 --> 00:44:54,483
All of the things
that he was being told to do.
703
00:44:54,566 --> 00:44:56,860
And he was actually getting worse.
704
00:44:56,944 --> 00:44:58,404
[somber string music playing]
705
00:44:58,487 --> 00:45:02,700
[Amber] I got his medical records,
and I found an evaluation
706
00:45:02,783 --> 00:45:05,160
and Marcus said on there,
707
00:45:05,244 --> 00:45:08,372
"I frequently forget
the names of my coworkers."
708
00:45:08,872 --> 00:45:10,833
And I was floored by that.
709
00:45:12,584 --> 00:45:14,545
I was desperate at that point.
710
00:45:15,045 --> 00:45:17,965
I completely changed my approach.
711
00:45:18,048 --> 00:45:22,845
I started really putting my focus
on alternative treatments.
712
00:45:30,018 --> 00:45:34,022
The wife of another SEAL contacted me
and said,
713
00:45:34,106 --> 00:45:38,652
{\an8}"I think that there's something
you may want to look into for Marcus."
714
00:45:39,153 --> 00:45:42,531
Of course, this sounded,
like, completely foreign to me.
715
00:45:44,616 --> 00:45:47,911
[narrator on video] We've known
about ibogaine and iboga
716
00:45:47,995 --> 00:45:52,249
{\an8}in the Western world
as a treatment for addiction
717
00:45:52,750 --> 00:45:55,210
{\an8}for about 50, 60 years.
718
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:59,923
Bwiti peoples of Gabon
719
00:46:00,007 --> 00:46:05,262
have been using this substance
for, um, seemingly centuries
720
00:46:05,345 --> 00:46:09,725
as a spiritual-medicinal rite of passage.
721
00:46:11,560 --> 00:46:16,482
{\an8}[Amber] Ibogaine comes from the root bark
of a shrub grown in Gabon, Africa.
722
00:46:16,565 --> 00:46:22,404
And 5-MeO-DMT is derived from the venom
of the Sonoran Desert toad.
723
00:46:24,323 --> 00:46:28,786
{\an8}[woman] The ibogaine treatment,
you know, does the physiological reset
724
00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:30,370
{\an8}of the nervous system.
725
00:46:34,041 --> 00:46:36,585
{\an8}And the toad medicine allows you
to release everything
726
00:46:36,668 --> 00:46:38,921
{\an8}that ibogaine brings up to the surface.
727
00:46:50,474 --> 00:46:53,393
[Amber] As a protocol, taken sequentially,
728
00:46:53,477 --> 00:46:57,314
ibogaine and 5-MeO-DMT
prove to be very effective
729
00:46:57,397 --> 00:46:58,857
in dealing with trauma.
730
00:46:58,941 --> 00:47:01,193
{\an8}But both are illegal in the United States,
731
00:47:01,276 --> 00:47:05,030
{\an8}so Marcus would have to travel
to Mexico for this opportunity.
732
00:47:07,241 --> 00:47:12,579
And when I brought it up to Marcus,
he was like, "That's absolutely insane."
733
00:47:13,580 --> 00:47:14,998
Like, psychedelic medicines?
734
00:47:15,082 --> 00:47:18,585
You mean, what?
Timothy Leary and Woodstock and stuff?
735
00:47:18,669 --> 00:47:21,380
[chuckles] People dancing around
in circles with flowers in their hair?
736
00:47:21,463 --> 00:47:24,174
Like, I don't understand that
at all. [laughs]
737
00:47:24,258 --> 00:47:26,802
{\an8}[energetic '60s rock music playing]
738
00:47:26,885 --> 00:47:29,388
{\an8}[narrator] You are looking at a traveler
who just bought a ticket
739
00:47:29,471 --> 00:47:31,849
{\an8}for a very special kind of a trip.
740
00:47:31,932 --> 00:47:32,808
{\an8}The cost?
741
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:35,102
A few dollars and his mind.
742
00:47:36,645 --> 00:47:41,400
[Marcus] All I knew was
the stuff I was taught when we grew up.
743
00:47:45,195 --> 00:47:48,448
Psychedelics were
a recreational drug that's addictive.
744
00:47:49,658 --> 00:47:50,826
You'll lose your mind.
745
00:47:50,909 --> 00:47:52,578
You'll fry your brain.
746
00:47:53,787 --> 00:47:57,791
[chuckles] And this is supposed to save
our hardened warriors?
747
00:48:00,752 --> 00:48:03,839
{\an8}[Amber] You know, having grown up
in a very conservative Christian home,
748
00:48:03,922 --> 00:48:06,341
{\an8}I thought, "Is this voodoo witchcraft?"
749
00:48:06,425 --> 00:48:09,011
"Is this opening up portals of darkness?"
750
00:48:09,595 --> 00:48:12,097
It was terrifying to me.
751
00:48:15,601 --> 00:48:17,603
[energetic rock music fades]
752
00:48:22,274 --> 00:48:24,359
{\an8}[DJ] So I come home from 2012 deployment.
753
00:48:24,860 --> 00:48:26,653
Moving into 2013.
754
00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:27,863
Lola was born in May.
755
00:48:27,946 --> 00:48:32,075
I deploy May… 15th.
756
00:48:32,159 --> 00:48:34,244
I get really hurt on that deployment.
757
00:48:37,331 --> 00:48:38,498
Eardrums are blown out.
758
00:48:38,582 --> 00:48:40,751
You know, bleeding out of your ears,
out of your nose.
759
00:48:42,419 --> 00:48:45,380
Just a lot of concussion stuff,
back to back to back.
760
00:48:48,759 --> 00:48:50,969
Explosions are happening
in close proximity,
761
00:48:51,053 --> 00:48:54,765
and just the orthopedic injuries
have stacked up so bad at this point.
762
00:48:56,892 --> 00:49:00,020
We go into this French hospital,
and they put me in a machine,
763
00:49:00,103 --> 00:49:02,940
and I've got a hematoma
on the back of my brain about this big.
764
00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:04,232
It's jet black.
765
00:49:04,733 --> 00:49:06,234
My headaches were so bad,
766
00:49:06,318 --> 00:49:08,737
and they were light induced,
like photophobic.
767
00:49:08,820 --> 00:49:11,448
You could shine a light in my eyes,
and I would throw up.
768
00:49:11,531 --> 00:49:13,533
[somber string music playing]
769
00:49:14,826 --> 00:49:16,453
[DJ] I land in Virginia Beach.
770
00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:19,957
I came in, and it was like,
"Hey, welcome home."
771
00:49:20,457 --> 00:49:21,792
"Here's a four-month-old."
772
00:49:23,377 --> 00:49:26,088
I don't know how to do anything.
Like, I am worthless.
773
00:49:26,588 --> 00:49:28,048
And I can't remember her name.
774
00:49:34,596 --> 00:49:38,141
[Patsy] I had dinner on the table,
and we're eating,
775
00:49:38,225 --> 00:49:39,935
but he wasn't saying much.
776
00:49:40,018 --> 00:49:42,104
I thought it was like deployment blues.
777
00:49:42,187 --> 00:49:43,855
Maybe just coming back home.
778
00:49:43,939 --> 00:49:46,233
It was just maybe too much.
779
00:49:47,234 --> 00:49:49,569
{\an8}Then finally he looked up,
and he had tears in his eyes,
780
00:49:49,653 --> 00:49:52,531
{\an8}and he's just like,
"How long have we been eating dinner?"
781
00:49:52,614 --> 00:49:55,909
{\an8}I was already done with my dinner.
I was like, "We've been here a while."
782
00:49:56,410 --> 00:50:00,163
And he just looked at me
and just ran out of the room and…
783
00:50:01,623 --> 00:50:05,627
[tuts] …and literally went
to our guest room in the fetal position,
784
00:50:05,711 --> 00:50:06,962
just crying, bawling.
785
00:50:08,547 --> 00:50:11,299
These guys don't want to show weakness.
786
00:50:11,383 --> 00:50:13,051
That's just not
what you're supposed to do.
787
00:50:13,135 --> 00:50:15,470
You're not supposed to open up
or communicate these things.
788
00:50:15,554 --> 00:50:19,016
You're just supposed to… keep going.
789
00:50:19,850 --> 00:50:21,852
{\an8}[helicopter blades whirring]
790
00:50:25,689 --> 00:50:27,858
{\an8}[DJ] I made it
about another four or five months,
791
00:50:28,775 --> 00:50:31,528
and we were getting ready
to go on a big breaching trip.
792
00:50:31,611 --> 00:50:34,448
And my boss at the time,
he looked at me and he's like,
793
00:50:34,531 --> 00:50:37,617
"Hey, man, I don't think you need
to go on this breaching trip."
794
00:50:37,701 --> 00:50:40,203
"Why don't you stay back here
and chill out for a little bit?"
795
00:50:40,704 --> 00:50:41,830
I was like, "No."
796
00:50:41,913 --> 00:50:44,666
He's like, "Well,
I'll put it to you like this."
797
00:50:45,333 --> 00:50:46,877
"You're not fuckin' going."
798
00:50:48,712 --> 00:50:51,339
And about five days later, I was in NICoE.
799
00:50:53,133 --> 00:50:57,262
It is essentially
a super-advanced rehabilitation clinic.
800
00:50:57,345 --> 00:51:00,849
Big orthopedic injuries,
but really, it's all the brain stuff.
801
00:51:00,932 --> 00:51:04,519
And they analyze you head to toe,
everything in between,
802
00:51:04,603 --> 00:51:05,771
for four weeks straight.
803
00:51:05,854 --> 00:51:07,898
[tense percussive music playing]
804
00:51:24,664 --> 00:51:27,834
And they started giving you meds,
and they saved you.
805
00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:34,216
{\an8}I needed these tools to continue
to wall myself up to get to retirement.
806
00:51:35,801 --> 00:51:37,803
We come back from NICoE,
I feel like a million bucks,
807
00:51:37,886 --> 00:51:40,931
and we'd just gear it up, send it again,
send it again, send it again.
808
00:51:41,014 --> 00:51:43,058
We'd do another four rotations.
809
00:51:43,809 --> 00:51:46,645
- [explosions and gunfire]
- [indistinct shouting]
810
00:51:46,728 --> 00:51:48,271
[rapid explosions]
811
00:51:48,980 --> 00:51:49,940
[missile whistling]
812
00:51:50,023 --> 00:51:53,485
[explosions]
813
00:52:03,954 --> 00:52:08,333
[Marcus] Everything I read on ibogaine,
you know, it sounded horrible.
814
00:52:09,042 --> 00:52:13,630
It was a lot of personal stories
of individuals visiting
815
00:52:13,713 --> 00:52:17,509
just the deepest, darkest pits of hell
816
00:52:17,592 --> 00:52:20,428
during their 12-hour journey.
817
00:52:21,429 --> 00:52:23,306
I remember even fighting about it.
818
00:52:23,390 --> 00:52:27,060
I told Amber, "This is crazy.
Literally crazy."
819
00:52:27,561 --> 00:52:30,981
So that's how that conversation went
for about a year.
820
00:52:31,606 --> 00:52:35,735
We've got kids that are watching,
and this is not sustainable.
821
00:52:35,819 --> 00:52:36,820
[somber music playing]
822
00:52:36,903 --> 00:52:41,116
And so, I basically just said to him,
823
00:52:41,199 --> 00:52:44,077
you have to try this,
or I'm taking the kids
824
00:52:44,161 --> 00:52:45,579
and I'm leaving.
825
00:52:48,123 --> 00:52:50,750
[Marcus] I feel
like I exhausted everything.
826
00:52:50,834 --> 00:52:54,504
So, I think you'll do anything when,
827
00:52:55,922 --> 00:52:58,592
like, you're so desperate.
828
00:52:59,759 --> 00:53:01,761
[somber music fades]
829
00:53:05,557 --> 00:53:08,018
[Caden] He had gone
to so many brain treatment facilities
830
00:53:08,101 --> 00:53:10,061
and done so many different things,
831
00:53:10,145 --> 00:53:14,399
it felt like, "Oh, this is just bullshit.
This doesn't mean anything." You know.
832
00:53:14,482 --> 00:53:16,860
I've… I've heard this a million times.
833
00:53:16,943 --> 00:53:19,362
[energetic, rhythmic music playing]
834
00:53:26,286 --> 00:53:29,789
{\an8}[Marcus] The protocol in Mexico
is you do ibogaine first.
835
00:53:31,166 --> 00:53:35,337
{\an8}And then a couple days later,
you do 5-MeO-DMT,
836
00:53:35,837 --> 00:53:38,715
also known as "the toad."
837
00:53:42,886 --> 00:53:47,349
Had my therapist there,
ER doc, a nurse was there.
838
00:53:48,892 --> 00:53:51,353
You know, my intentions that night
were just…
839
00:53:52,145 --> 00:53:54,314
I just wanted to be whole again.
840
00:53:55,982 --> 00:53:57,317
The music started.
841
00:53:57,859 --> 00:54:04,115
I kind of sat back in the bed
and, uh, just waited.
842
00:54:07,869 --> 00:54:11,456
Waiting for no clue
what was about to happen.
843
00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:18,004
- [music fades out]
- [whooshing]
844
00:54:20,715 --> 00:54:21,883
[rumbling]
845
00:54:22,634 --> 00:54:24,803
[indistinct shouting]
846
00:54:28,515 --> 00:54:31,476
[wind whipping]
847
00:54:34,396 --> 00:54:38,358
[chainsaws buzzing]
848
00:54:38,441 --> 00:54:41,111
[Marcus] I just remember,
at one point, it was just, like…
849
00:54:41,194 --> 00:54:46,491
like loud, almost like chainsaws buzzing,
and like just complete chaos.
850
00:54:48,368 --> 00:54:50,161
You're just getting kicked in the nuts,
851
00:54:50,245 --> 00:54:52,455
and kicked in the nuts,
and kicked in the nuts,
852
00:54:52,539 --> 00:54:53,790
and you can't escape it.
853
00:54:54,541 --> 00:54:58,962
- [chainsaws buzzing]
- [wind whipping]
854
00:55:00,547 --> 00:55:01,673
[buzzing stops]
855
00:55:07,595 --> 00:55:09,097
[wind subsides]
856
00:55:10,932 --> 00:55:14,686
[Marcus] I would see shuffling.
Like almost like cards.
857
00:55:15,854 --> 00:55:19,107
[Marcus imitates cards shuffling]
Just thousands of pictures, that fast.
858
00:55:19,190 --> 00:55:20,692
[rustling]
859
00:55:23,778 --> 00:55:27,240
[Marcus] I saw images of my childhood.
860
00:55:31,870 --> 00:55:33,079
[rumbling]
861
00:55:34,914 --> 00:55:37,917
[Marcus] And I would see images of my dad.
862
00:55:45,884 --> 00:55:47,844
I don't know.
Maybe something happened around that.
863
00:55:47,927 --> 00:55:50,138
Maybe it was, uh… an incident.
864
00:55:59,230 --> 00:56:01,232
[rustling]
865
00:56:04,235 --> 00:56:07,739
[Marcus] You know,
and then I saw images of Josh.
866
00:56:11,534 --> 00:56:15,663
You know, I didn't talk about this,
but I was supposed to cross the river.
867
00:56:16,164 --> 00:56:20,960
I was supposed to be
the individual that went to look for
868
00:56:21,044 --> 00:56:25,799
a place that we can find our way across,
but I wasn't there at that time.
869
00:56:27,967 --> 00:56:33,765
Um, that was definitely weighing
on my mind, my soul.
870
00:56:36,559 --> 00:56:40,730
But it was a vision of him,
that smiley face, curly hair.
871
00:56:41,231 --> 00:56:44,567
It was a happy image. Like, he's good.
872
00:56:44,651 --> 00:56:46,653
[tender string music playing]
873
00:56:52,158 --> 00:56:54,160
[Marcus] I was able to see
these difficult moments
874
00:56:54,244 --> 00:56:56,079
from my life from a different angle.
875
00:56:59,499 --> 00:57:03,420
And it made me realize
that none of this was my fault.
876
00:57:12,011 --> 00:57:13,721
The weight was getting lifted off.
877
00:57:15,765 --> 00:57:19,811
I felt, uh… like almost
like a defragging of my brain.
878
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:25,984
All the walls you put up,
all the body armor you put on,
879
00:57:26,067 --> 00:57:27,527
that all goes away.
880
00:57:28,153 --> 00:57:29,279
The ego goes away,
881
00:57:29,362 --> 00:57:32,031
and you're just a pure version
of an individual
882
00:57:32,115 --> 00:57:34,576
that just loves everything.
883
00:57:36,744 --> 00:57:39,164
I felt lifted, felt light.
884
00:57:39,247 --> 00:57:42,208
You know, it felt
like it was like a new day.
885
00:57:46,588 --> 00:57:49,424
[gentle, optimistic music playing]
886
00:57:49,507 --> 00:57:51,509
{\an8}[gulls cawing]
887
00:57:55,930 --> 00:58:00,477
{\an8}[Caden] When Dad came back,
I don't really know how to describe it.
888
00:58:01,478 --> 00:58:04,606
Just something about him
was much more peaceful.
889
00:58:04,689 --> 00:58:06,941
The look in his eye was…
890
00:58:08,485 --> 00:58:10,862
It was like… It was like less dead.
891
00:58:12,864 --> 00:58:16,701
For a long time, you'd look at him,
and you'd just look right through him.
892
00:58:20,538 --> 00:58:22,540
[birds calling]
893
00:58:24,918 --> 00:58:28,588
[Caden] Once we all saw
that my dad was putting in an effort,
894
00:58:28,671 --> 00:58:31,799
everyone began to work on themselves.
895
00:58:32,425 --> 00:58:37,180
Our family unit just kind of started
to work again as he began to get better.
896
00:58:41,142 --> 00:58:45,230
[Marcus] After my ibogaine experience,
when I saw Amber,
897
00:58:46,022 --> 00:58:47,941
the first thing I said to her was,
898
00:58:48,024 --> 00:58:50,735
"All our friends that we hear about
that are suffering,
899
00:58:51,236 --> 00:58:55,949
like… we need to introduce this to them
and get them better."
900
00:58:57,075 --> 00:59:00,036
That's kinda how…
That's kind of how it started.
901
00:59:00,662 --> 00:59:02,664
{\an8}[gentle music fades]
902
00:59:04,123 --> 00:59:06,251
{\an8}[man] I had met with Marcus and Amber.
903
00:59:06,876 --> 00:59:09,504
I'd spent, like, 30 minutes
talking to Marcus.
904
00:59:10,171 --> 00:59:13,341
I was talking
to this humble, very thoughtful,
905
00:59:14,008 --> 00:59:18,471
very normal-seeming, to me, guy.
906
00:59:19,389 --> 00:59:20,682
Then Amber tells me this story.
907
00:59:20,765 --> 00:59:23,643
Basically, he couldn't screw a light
in a light fixture
908
00:59:23,726 --> 00:59:24,894
before he went down there.
909
00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:29,232
So he went from really bad shape
to, like… normal.
910
00:59:31,234 --> 00:59:33,236
That really is what locked me in.
911
00:59:33,945 --> 00:59:36,406
This is just one of those points
in medicine
912
00:59:36,489 --> 00:59:39,534
where you've just got
to have the courage to jump.
913
00:59:41,619 --> 00:59:44,914
[interviewer] In terms of other soldiers
in your unit,
914
00:59:44,998 --> 00:59:46,833
what percentage of them would you say
915
00:59:46,916 --> 00:59:51,629
were either killed in action,
wounded, or missing in action?
916
00:59:52,380 --> 00:59:55,258
Well, 25%, 30%.
917
01:00:05,602 --> 01:00:07,478
[interviewer] How much time
in a typical week
918
01:00:07,562 --> 01:00:09,814
do you feel cut off from other people?
919
01:00:09,897 --> 01:00:11,899
Like, just not interested, not engaged?
920
01:00:11,983 --> 01:00:13,610
- Every day. Yeah.
- [interviewer] Every day?
921
01:00:13,693 --> 01:00:15,111
Kind of all the time.
922
01:00:15,612 --> 01:00:17,905
[interviewer] Do you experience
feelings of guilt?
923
01:00:19,532 --> 01:00:20,742
I think so.
924
01:00:20,825 --> 01:00:22,702
[hesitates] Well, I know so.
925
01:00:27,415 --> 01:00:31,252
[Nolan] This will be the first
human neuroscience study of ibogaine.
926
01:00:32,879 --> 01:00:35,214
The goal today is to look at the utility
927
01:00:35,298 --> 01:00:39,260
in treating
the psychiatric neurological illnesses
928
01:00:39,344 --> 01:00:42,013
that veterans suffer from, right?
929
01:00:42,096 --> 01:00:46,100
[woman] A lot of the veterans are exposed
to multiple blasts.
930
01:00:46,184 --> 01:00:48,519
And in the recent Iraq
and Afghanistan conflicts,
931
01:00:48,603 --> 01:00:50,396
TBI is a signature injury.
932
01:00:52,857 --> 01:00:55,401
[interviewer] Are these feelings of guilt
and shame
933
01:00:55,485 --> 01:00:57,570
related to your military experiences?
934
01:00:57,654 --> 01:00:58,738
- Yeah.
- [interviewer] Okay.
935
01:00:59,822 --> 01:01:04,035
You know, I have a lot of…
a lot of issues with…
936
01:01:04,118 --> 01:01:06,329
[somber music playing]
937
01:01:06,412 --> 01:01:09,791
…with the direction I allowed my life
to go when I was in the SEAL Teams.
938
01:01:18,883 --> 01:01:20,593
[interviewer] Your headaches
you experience,
939
01:01:20,677 --> 01:01:22,178
remind me again the year they started.
940
01:01:22,261 --> 01:01:23,596
- [Elias] 2007.
- [interviewer] 2007.
941
01:01:23,680 --> 01:01:24,597
[Elias] Yeah.
942
01:01:24,681 --> 01:01:26,307
Like, it's usually…
943
01:01:26,391 --> 01:01:30,019
Like, right now,
it's just… it's hemispherical.
944
01:01:30,103 --> 01:01:32,188
Just this side of my head
just always hurts.
945
01:01:32,271 --> 01:01:33,731
- [interviewer] Okay.
- Never gone away.
946
01:01:37,026 --> 01:01:38,194
[interviewer] One second.
947
01:01:41,948 --> 01:01:42,949
[door opens]
948
01:01:44,826 --> 01:01:46,244
Oh man.
949
01:01:46,744 --> 01:01:47,912
[door closes]
950
01:02:08,391 --> 01:02:09,851
[Matty] Sprint up that hill!
951
01:02:12,437 --> 01:02:13,938
{\an8}Get that gun up!
952
01:02:16,482 --> 01:02:19,944
{\an8}A lot of us get into this line of work
because we feel like it's who we are.
953
01:02:20,027 --> 01:02:21,237
You're born for this, right?
954
01:02:22,822 --> 01:02:25,950
But the reality is it's a jacket,
just like any other jacket you put on
955
01:02:26,033 --> 01:02:27,493
in any chapter of your life.
956
01:02:27,577 --> 01:02:29,704
- You're gonna take this off.
- [music fades]
957
01:02:29,787 --> 01:02:32,832
For me, the jacket's off.
958
01:02:34,542 --> 01:02:36,043
Who the fuck am I now?
959
01:02:41,090 --> 01:02:44,969
I go to work, and I go work out,
then I go home, and I sit on the couch.
960
01:02:45,678 --> 01:02:48,765
And, uh, I keep looking back.
All I do is look back.
961
01:02:49,599 --> 01:02:52,018
And I can't get my head to look this way.
962
01:02:52,101 --> 01:02:54,812
'Cause I don't give a fuck
about anything this way.
963
01:02:57,106 --> 01:03:00,443
I have enough sense to know that
I can't live the rest of my life that way.
964
01:03:00,985 --> 01:03:02,487
But I just don't know how to…
965
01:03:04,530 --> 01:03:05,656
get out of that.
966
01:03:06,491 --> 01:03:07,950
If that makes sense.
967
01:03:09,243 --> 01:03:11,621
[intense music playing]
968
01:03:21,339 --> 01:03:24,300
[DJ] 2018, started medical retirement.
969
01:03:24,383 --> 01:03:27,553
Left the team.
Started a skateboard company.
970
01:03:28,387 --> 01:03:30,640
And from the surface, I had everything.
971
01:03:30,723 --> 01:03:32,683
I got a beautiful wife,
got two healthy kids.
972
01:03:32,767 --> 01:03:34,852
Ten fingers, ten toes.
Live in a beautiful house.
973
01:03:35,436 --> 01:03:37,438
I don't have anything to complain about.
974
01:03:37,939 --> 01:03:39,190
Except I want to die.
975
01:03:41,859 --> 01:03:46,030
It's like once you leave the Teams,
you lose your why.
976
01:03:46,113 --> 01:03:48,950
You lose the purpose
to swing feet out of bed at 5:00 a.m.
977
01:03:49,450 --> 01:03:50,451
And it crushes.
978
01:03:52,537 --> 01:03:54,372
I was as low as you could be.
979
01:03:57,875 --> 01:04:00,169
I would have accepted
terminal cancer as a gift.
980
01:04:01,712 --> 01:04:04,090
He probably didn't see me anymore
as a wife.
981
01:04:04,173 --> 01:04:06,008
He probably saw me more as a caregiver.
982
01:04:06,092 --> 01:04:09,470
I mean, it would come the end
of the night, and I was just exhausted.
983
01:04:09,554 --> 01:04:11,556
I just wanted to go to bed.
Because I did it all.
984
01:04:12,181 --> 01:04:14,559
And I also was a mom.
985
01:04:14,642 --> 01:04:17,520
So I had to protect them
and keep that train going
986
01:04:17,603 --> 01:04:20,857
without them noticing
that dad was… broken.
987
01:04:24,277 --> 01:04:28,072
I was like, "What is going on with you?
Please tell me."
988
01:04:28,155 --> 01:04:32,577
He's just like, "I think every second
of the day that I want to kill myself."
989
01:04:32,660 --> 01:04:35,288
"I want to kill myself right now."
990
01:04:35,371 --> 01:04:36,747
And I was like, "Okay."
991
01:04:36,831 --> 01:04:40,376
And I felt like
this is my chance to get him that help
992
01:04:40,459 --> 01:04:42,753
because he's crying out loud for it.
993
01:04:47,508 --> 01:04:48,968
[intense music fades]
994
01:04:49,051 --> 01:04:52,305
{\an8}[Amber] For those of you that don't know,
um, the SEAL community suffered
995
01:04:52,388 --> 01:04:55,808
{\an8}two suicide losses
over the last two weeks.
996
01:04:55,892 --> 01:04:59,228
{\an8}Two very beloved members
of the community, and…
997
01:05:01,772 --> 01:05:03,232
[crying softly]
998
01:05:08,446 --> 01:05:09,363
Uh…
999
01:05:10,031 --> 01:05:11,198
It's just happening too much.
1000
01:05:11,282 --> 01:05:15,161
And so, we thought it'd be a good idea
to do a public service announcement
1001
01:05:15,244 --> 01:05:19,040
and say, "Hey, some of us here have been
right to the edge and have come back."
1002
01:05:19,123 --> 01:05:21,167
And so, um, I hope many people see it,
1003
01:05:21,250 --> 01:05:23,502
and I hope some of our teammates
1004
01:05:23,586 --> 01:05:27,924
um, that are struggling and that may
be thinking of… of crossing over,
1005
01:05:28,007 --> 01:05:29,592
don't… you know, don't do it yet.
1006
01:05:30,301 --> 01:05:32,845
So… yeah.
1007
01:05:32,929 --> 01:05:34,931
[uplifting music playing]
1008
01:05:37,350 --> 01:05:39,352
- [man] Wanna run through it?
- [Marcus] Let's do it.
1009
01:05:39,435 --> 01:05:40,353
[man] Okay.
1010
01:05:41,729 --> 01:05:44,398
It's been a rough couple of weeks
for a lot of folks in our community
1011
01:05:44,482 --> 01:05:46,984
since we lost two more teammates
to suicide.
1012
01:05:47,568 --> 01:05:50,571
{\an8}We're all struggling with something,
and we all have a story.
1013
01:05:52,406 --> 01:05:54,200
You don't have to fight this alone.
1014
01:05:54,742 --> 01:05:56,535
Let us fight alongside you.
1015
01:06:00,748 --> 01:06:06,712
[Brian] Since 9/11, there have been
7,100 combat casualties, killed in action.
1016
01:06:06,796 --> 01:06:08,631
In the same time frame,
1017
01:06:08,714 --> 01:06:14,178
uh, what is accounted for
is roughly 30,100 veteran suicide,
1018
01:06:14,261 --> 01:06:17,098
growing by approximately 22 a day.
1019
01:06:18,140 --> 01:06:20,101
So when you do the simple math on that,
1020
01:06:20,184 --> 01:06:26,732
we are basically losing 4.3 times
the number of service members,
1021
01:06:26,816 --> 01:06:32,113
or veterans, to suicide
than we lost to actions against the enemy.
1022
01:06:37,118 --> 01:06:43,791
[Patsy] So, probably late 2019,
Amber and Marcus did a video.
1023
01:06:45,960 --> 01:06:49,380
And I remember me and DJ were in bed,
and we…
1024
01:06:49,463 --> 01:06:51,799
I saw it on her Instagram.
1025
01:06:52,758 --> 01:06:53,843
And I cried.
1026
01:06:53,926 --> 01:06:56,262
I cried a lot.
So did she. She even bawled.
1027
01:06:58,973 --> 01:07:02,351
I met Marcus in late 2003, early 2004.
1028
01:07:02,852 --> 01:07:05,146
He looked like an NFL linebacker,
1029
01:07:05,229 --> 01:07:08,149
and he was known to be
an exceptional Navy SEAL.
1030
01:07:09,316 --> 01:07:13,571
And in that video, he went on
about how dark it was for him,
1031
01:07:13,654 --> 01:07:15,698
how bad he really was.
1032
01:07:15,781 --> 01:07:17,408
I couldn't believe his honesty.
1033
01:07:18,826 --> 01:07:21,746
I felt like I was
the only guy in the Teams who was hurting
1034
01:07:21,829 --> 01:07:23,289
until I saw that.
1035
01:07:24,290 --> 01:07:26,459
[Patsy] So that's when I called Amber,
1036
01:07:26,542 --> 01:07:30,004
and I was like,
"Amber, can you please help me?"
1037
01:07:30,087 --> 01:07:32,465
I was just begging her,
"Can you please get him out there?"
1038
01:07:36,510 --> 01:07:39,305
[DJ] And Patsy said,
"If you love me, you'll go."
1039
01:07:40,181 --> 01:07:41,932
It's kind of a weird thing to say.
1040
01:07:42,433 --> 01:07:46,729
Like, if you love your wife,
you'll go to Mexico and do psychedelics.
1041
01:07:46,812 --> 01:07:47,855
[uplifting music fades]
1042
01:07:51,400 --> 01:07:54,153
[reflective music playing]
1043
01:07:54,236 --> 01:07:57,865
[interviewer] I hope everything
goes well for you, uh, this week, and…
1044
01:07:57,948 --> 01:07:58,783
Me too.
1045
01:07:58,866 --> 01:08:00,534
Look forward to seeing you
on the flip side.
1046
01:08:00,618 --> 01:08:02,453
Yeah, same here. I'm really excited.
1047
01:08:15,508 --> 01:08:17,635
[DJ] The hardest thing
was coming off all the meds.
1048
01:08:19,261 --> 01:08:22,515
I was on,
I'd probably say, 60 pills a day.
1049
01:08:25,101 --> 01:08:26,602
You gotta come off everything.
1050
01:08:27,186 --> 01:08:30,773
And ironically enough, they give you
a drug test when you get there.
1051
01:08:31,482 --> 01:08:33,442
But it's for Adderall.
It's for stimulants.
1052
01:08:33,526 --> 01:08:35,694
To make sure you're not gonna die.
1053
01:08:35,778 --> 01:08:37,655
[technician speaking indistinctly]
1054
01:08:37,738 --> 01:08:39,281
- Good.
- [technician] Yes.
1055
01:08:41,492 --> 01:08:43,160
[DJ] And you start off with ibogaine.
1056
01:08:44,787 --> 01:08:46,372
A little campfire circle.
1057
01:08:47,581 --> 01:08:53,838
A vow of gratitude towards the iboga plant
and to the Bwiti tradition.
1058
01:08:55,464 --> 01:08:57,925
But it was so foo-foo.
It was just so out-there.
1059
01:08:58,008 --> 01:09:00,636
I was like,
"I can't believe I'm gonna do this."
1060
01:09:01,137 --> 01:09:02,721
Like, "Okay."
1061
01:09:04,181 --> 01:09:06,433
We'd talk about all the things
we're trying to get rid of,
1062
01:09:06,517 --> 01:09:08,853
and write it down on a piece paper,
and throw it in the fire.
1063
01:09:11,313 --> 01:09:13,524
Well, I threw a blank piece of paper
in the fire
1064
01:09:13,607 --> 01:09:17,069
because I was most certainly not
writing down what I'm trying to get rid of
1065
01:09:17,153 --> 01:09:18,070
because I can't.
1066
01:09:18,654 --> 01:09:20,698
- [interviewer] Which is?
- Everything.
1067
01:09:22,658 --> 01:09:24,660
[reflective music fades]
1068
01:09:27,788 --> 01:09:29,248
[DJ] Take the ibogaine. We all go up,
1069
01:09:29,331 --> 01:09:32,001
and we put on our little shades,
and kinda lay back.
1070
01:09:32,877 --> 01:09:35,588
They're playing bowls
and doing the whole thing.
1071
01:09:35,671 --> 01:09:38,132
And… I thought I did it wrong.
1072
01:09:39,341 --> 01:09:43,053
I'd laid there for a little bit.
I heard some bees buzzing in my ear.
1073
01:09:43,137 --> 01:09:46,056
Everything they told you you'd hear
and then nothing.
1074
01:09:46,140 --> 01:09:47,766
- I fell asleep.
- [muffled roar]
1075
01:09:47,850 --> 01:09:49,101
I thought I fell asleep.
1076
01:09:49,602 --> 01:09:51,604
[muffled roar continues]
1077
01:09:51,687 --> 01:09:53,689
[unsettling music playing]
1078
01:09:58,986 --> 01:10:02,990
[DJ] There is a point that medicine
takes you right to the crest.
1079
01:10:03,073 --> 01:10:04,617
[shattering]
1080
01:10:04,700 --> 01:10:06,327
[DJ] And you fall off.
1081
01:10:13,959 --> 01:10:16,503
It was like there were dresser drawers
that were flying out.
1082
01:10:17,421 --> 01:10:19,673
They were all rainbow-colored,
but they were memories.
1083
01:10:19,757 --> 01:10:22,801
They were thoughts.
And I could pick one and fall into it.
1084
01:10:23,802 --> 01:10:25,930
And I'm back in it,
wherever I wanted to go.
1085
01:10:26,013 --> 01:10:28,224
Anything I wanted. Anything.
1086
01:10:29,058 --> 01:10:30,100
I'm there.
1087
01:10:30,184 --> 01:10:32,186
[crackling]
1088
01:10:37,066 --> 01:10:38,901
[DJ] I wanted to see dead friends.
1089
01:10:39,401 --> 01:10:40,611
And I never did.
1090
01:10:43,948 --> 01:10:47,952
You lose track of time in there,
but I spent a significant amount of time
1091
01:10:48,035 --> 01:10:50,329
on the set of The Wonder Years.
1092
01:10:50,829 --> 01:10:53,165
[indistinct dialogue on TV]
1093
01:10:57,378 --> 01:10:59,838
[DJ] Fred Savage, Ann, Wendy.
1094
01:10:59,922 --> 01:11:02,716
They were eating TV dinners
on little microwave plates.
1095
01:11:02,800 --> 01:11:03,842
The whole thing.
1096
01:11:05,803 --> 01:11:09,348
I sit there on that brown couch,
and I just watched them.
1097
01:11:10,266 --> 01:11:13,143
Living a normal family life,
talking about school, and…
1098
01:11:13,978 --> 01:11:17,147
[sighs] This on the bus and that
and what we gotta do for work.
1099
01:11:17,231 --> 01:11:18,899
And just normal family dinner.
1100
01:11:19,400 --> 01:11:20,901
I was just enthralled by it.
1101
01:11:20,985 --> 01:11:23,696
[indistinct conversations continue]
1102
01:11:25,114 --> 01:11:26,615
[DJ] It made me feel normal.
1103
01:11:26,699 --> 01:11:29,994
Maybe that's the family that I wanted
'cause I grew up with TV.
1104
01:11:32,454 --> 01:11:36,500
I thought, if I could just create that
for my children,
1105
01:11:37,376 --> 01:11:39,503
maybe I'd put them
in a better spot than I was.
1106
01:11:43,257 --> 01:11:48,304
I didn't have really any big memories
pop up past maybe 13, 14.
1107
01:11:48,387 --> 01:11:49,888
[man] DJ, shh.
1108
01:11:49,972 --> 01:11:52,516
Tag-team. Shh. Shh.
1109
01:11:52,599 --> 01:11:54,018
[DJ] I saw my father.
1110
01:11:54,852 --> 01:11:57,479
Every time he belittled me
or tried to humiliate me
1111
01:11:57,563 --> 01:11:58,689
in front of everyone.
1112
01:11:59,606 --> 01:12:02,067
[father] You are never gonna get
in the military.
1113
01:12:02,568 --> 01:12:06,947
[DJ] Everything was just pounding on me,
over and over and over again.
1114
01:12:07,489 --> 01:12:10,659
- [tinkling]
- [rumbling]
1115
01:12:13,620 --> 01:12:16,707
[father] You wait till I get
your fucking sorry ass home.
1116
01:12:16,790 --> 01:12:18,792
[lawnmower running]
1117
01:12:22,004 --> 01:12:24,965
[DJ] We had a five-acre farm,
big backfield.
1118
01:12:26,759 --> 01:12:28,344
He'd make me push-mow it.
1119
01:12:31,305 --> 01:12:34,433
And I'd do it early in the mornings.
Dew would be out.
1120
01:12:35,726 --> 01:12:39,146
Push three, you gotta roll it back.
Push three, roll back it back.
1121
01:12:40,105 --> 01:12:41,231
And it took hours.
1122
01:12:41,315 --> 01:12:42,941
Multiple tanks of gas.
1123
01:12:47,696 --> 01:12:50,115
I could feel the humidity in Virginia.
1124
01:12:50,616 --> 01:12:53,202
Like, I could feel
the weight of the T-shirt.
1125
01:12:58,374 --> 01:13:01,710
And in and around the trees,
there'd be exposed roots.
1126
01:13:02,795 --> 01:13:05,005
And I clipped one of the roots.
1127
01:13:05,547 --> 01:13:07,549
[mower motor splutters]
1128
01:13:07,633 --> 01:13:10,177
[DJ] And it made a clicking noise.
[imitates mower]
1129
01:13:10,260 --> 01:13:11,637
And he heard it.
1130
01:13:12,388 --> 01:13:14,973
[heavy footsteps echo]
1131
01:13:15,057 --> 01:13:16,600
[DJ] My old man was big.
1132
01:13:16,683 --> 01:13:19,478
Like 250 pounds, covered in tattoos.
1133
01:13:20,479 --> 01:13:22,856
He was sprinting at me.
1134
01:13:23,649 --> 01:13:27,528
It scared the shit out of me.
I thought he was going to fucking kill me.
1135
01:13:28,195 --> 01:13:32,157
I watched him grab the handle
and swing it over the top of his head
1136
01:13:32,241 --> 01:13:36,370
and smash it
and broke that thing into pieces.
1137
01:13:37,079 --> 01:13:39,915
[echoing rumbling]
1138
01:13:41,500 --> 01:13:43,335
[shattering]
1139
01:13:43,419 --> 01:13:46,004
[DJ] I could feel the heat radiating
inside him
1140
01:13:46,088 --> 01:13:48,173
and how fucking mad he was at me.
1141
01:13:52,511 --> 01:13:55,764
And then I could shift it,
and then he's not yelling at me.
1142
01:13:55,848 --> 01:13:57,850
It's me yelling at Lola.
1143
01:13:57,933 --> 01:13:59,768
[intense rock music playing]
1144
01:13:59,852 --> 01:14:01,562
[DJ] I've done the exact same thing.
1145
01:14:02,521 --> 01:14:07,109
I remember breaking a dollhouse,
shattering it into a million pieces.
1146
01:14:08,193 --> 01:14:10,279
My face mirrors his.
1147
01:14:10,362 --> 01:14:12,364
[music grows unsettling]
1148
01:14:15,617 --> 01:14:19,496
[DJ] And then it would shift,
and I would see Patsy come in.
1149
01:14:19,580 --> 01:14:21,165
[Patsy speaking indistinctly]
1150
01:14:21,248 --> 01:14:24,293
- I would feel her emotions.
- [Patsy] …the first night our eyes met…
1151
01:14:24,376 --> 01:14:27,379
[DJ] I would feel the trauma
that she had been through.
1152
01:14:28,213 --> 01:14:30,215
Really, the trauma that I caused.
1153
01:14:30,299 --> 01:14:31,675
[Patsy] …I'm so sorry…
1154
01:14:31,758 --> 01:14:34,470
[DJ] Like all the times
that my father cheated on my mother.
1155
01:14:34,553 --> 01:14:38,015
[notifications chiming]
1156
01:14:40,350 --> 01:14:42,728
[DJ] I mean, I'd been cheating on Patsy.
1157
01:14:46,315 --> 01:14:49,276
Multiple affairs all over the place.
1158
01:14:56,033 --> 01:14:58,327
[unsettling music fades]
1159
01:15:01,288 --> 01:15:03,373
[DJ] I was so clear-minded and focused.
1160
01:15:03,457 --> 01:15:05,542
I knew exactly what I had to do.
1161
01:15:06,710 --> 01:15:09,421
I had to go home
and tell her everything I'd ever done.
1162
01:15:19,598 --> 01:15:20,974
We pack everything up.
1163
01:15:21,475 --> 01:15:23,185
Drive back across the border.
1164
01:15:23,268 --> 01:15:26,522
We had a flight leaving
at 5:00 p.m. that night.
1165
01:15:30,817 --> 01:15:33,737
We all broke to our little corners,
and everybody called their wives.
1166
01:15:33,820 --> 01:15:37,366
You hear 'em like, "Hey. Hey. Hey."
Straight to voicemail.
1167
01:15:38,408 --> 01:15:39,576
Called the house phone.
1168
01:15:39,660 --> 01:15:40,702
Nothing. Nothing.
1169
01:15:41,328 --> 01:15:42,746
[inhales sharply] Okay.
1170
01:15:46,333 --> 01:15:48,335
And I get an email notification.
1171
01:15:48,418 --> 01:15:51,296
"The password to your Instagram
has been changed."
1172
01:15:53,215 --> 01:15:55,759
I don't remember doing that. Hmm.
1173
01:15:56,385 --> 01:15:59,680
And I look down,
and it is my ghost account.
1174
01:16:00,180 --> 01:16:02,349
It's the account
that Patsy doesn't know about.
1175
01:16:03,433 --> 01:16:05,686
It's the one
that I'm leading all these affairs on.
1176
01:16:07,688 --> 01:16:09,022
Now she knows.
1177
01:16:09,940 --> 01:16:11,942
[insects chirring]
1178
01:16:13,443 --> 01:16:17,489
[Patsy] I knew that that night
he was doing ibogaine in Mexico.
1179
01:16:18,657 --> 01:16:20,867
I just started thinking, like,
1180
01:16:20,951 --> 01:16:25,080
"Why now did he cry out for help
after four years?"
1181
01:16:25,163 --> 01:16:26,415
Like, what caused that?
1182
01:16:27,040 --> 01:16:31,003
And so, I just was able
to look into his email,
1183
01:16:31,086 --> 01:16:33,213
and it's something that I never did.
1184
01:16:34,965 --> 01:16:36,049
And it… it was…
1185
01:16:36,133 --> 01:16:39,511
I mean, it was just shocking to me.
I can't explain the feeling.
1186
01:16:39,595 --> 01:16:43,390
Just like how it's… it's something
that somebody has to go through.
1187
01:16:43,473 --> 01:16:46,727
Like when you get the knock on the door
to tell you your husband is dead.
1188
01:16:46,810 --> 01:16:51,607
It's a feeling that only people
that have been betrayed knows the feeling.
1189
01:16:51,690 --> 01:16:53,275
[somber music playing]
1190
01:16:53,358 --> 01:16:54,860
[Patsy] Clearly, I'd lost him.
1191
01:16:55,986 --> 01:16:58,614
My DJ wouldn't do that to me.
1192
01:17:01,325 --> 01:17:03,285
[DJ] I land in Norfolk.
We all get in cars.
1193
01:17:03,368 --> 01:17:04,870
We all drive back to the shop.
1194
01:17:05,746 --> 01:17:07,998
All the wives are there, except for mine.
1195
01:17:10,709 --> 01:17:14,129
I walked upstairs,
and I opened up my office door,
1196
01:17:14,212 --> 01:17:17,591
and there were probably
20 Home Depot boxes,
1197
01:17:17,674 --> 01:17:19,384
stacked up floor to ceiling,
1198
01:17:19,468 --> 01:17:24,222
labeled pants, sweatshirts,
T-shirts, shoes, everything.
1199
01:17:25,849 --> 01:17:28,685
Obviously, she's not gonna take me back.
There's no working through this.
1200
01:17:28,769 --> 01:17:29,853
I've gone too far.
1201
01:17:35,150 --> 01:17:37,152
And I drove straight out
to the oceanfront.
1202
01:17:38,111 --> 01:17:41,114
I parked in this little private beach
and backed my truck up to a gate,
1203
01:17:41,198 --> 01:17:42,991
and I just sat there.
1204
01:17:44,034 --> 01:17:47,954
Contemplated everything I had ever done,
everything I experienced in the ceremony,
1205
01:17:48,038 --> 01:17:51,291
and everything in between,
and the walls I had built up.
1206
01:17:53,293 --> 01:17:56,463
And she called me…
right then. [chuckles sadly]
1207
01:17:56,963 --> 01:17:57,839
[under breath] Fuck.
1208
01:17:57,923 --> 01:17:58,965
[inhales sharply]
1209
01:18:00,467 --> 01:18:04,513
I saw her pull up, and she parked
next to me at 20, 30 feet away,
1210
01:18:04,596 --> 01:18:06,306
and I was sitting on my tailgate.
1211
01:18:07,307 --> 01:18:12,771
I could see him with his head down,
and I could see the gun next to him.
1212
01:18:14,272 --> 01:18:17,192
And all she could say is, "I don't know
how you could do this to me."
1213
01:18:17,734 --> 01:18:19,236
And, uh… [chuckles wryly]
1214
01:18:19,319 --> 01:18:21,363
She's bawling her eyes out.
I'm bawling my eyes out.
1215
01:18:21,446 --> 01:18:23,448
And she pulls my sunglasses off.
1216
01:18:23,949 --> 01:18:28,620
And that's when I saw him
for the first time in four years.
1217
01:18:28,704 --> 01:18:33,875
Because his eyes were always so dark
and sad and there was just no life.
1218
01:18:34,793 --> 01:18:38,839
She backs up, and I was like,
"Patsy, I am so fucking sorry."
1219
01:18:40,340 --> 01:18:41,591
She sat down and looked at me.
1220
01:18:41,675 --> 01:18:43,885
We stayed on the back of that truck
for two hours.
1221
01:18:44,511 --> 01:18:46,096
And she sat down, and she went,
1222
01:18:47,389 --> 01:18:48,390
"Tell me."
1223
01:18:50,392 --> 01:18:52,561
"Tell you what?" "All of it."
1224
01:18:53,061 --> 01:18:55,147
"Every ounce of it. Every detail."
1225
01:18:55,814 --> 01:18:57,482
[takes a deep breath]
1226
01:18:57,566 --> 01:18:59,151
[gentle music playing]
1227
01:19:00,652 --> 01:19:06,032
I didn't want to completely leave his life
and just leave him like that.
1228
01:19:10,620 --> 01:19:14,499
And we've gone through a lot,
and we finally did it,
1229
01:19:14,583 --> 01:19:16,877
and we found something that helped him.
1230
01:19:18,879 --> 01:19:20,422
We just fought so hard for this
1231
01:19:20,505 --> 01:19:25,135
that I was just not willing
to let go of… of what we had
1232
01:19:25,927 --> 01:19:30,140
and the man that got on his knees
to ask Danny for my hand.
1233
01:19:40,734 --> 01:19:42,736
[gentle music fades]
1234
01:19:48,575 --> 01:19:52,037
[Marcus] I'm unfortunately hit
with the depression bug.
1235
01:19:52,120 --> 01:19:54,873
You know, I don't know why,
but it comes and goes.
1236
01:19:56,917 --> 01:20:00,545
And, you know, when I have those days,
yeah, they're bad.
1237
01:20:03,340 --> 01:20:05,717
I think that's the misconception
about psychedelic medicine.
1238
01:20:06,426 --> 01:20:07,844
Uh, that it's a one and done,
1239
01:20:07,928 --> 01:20:10,305
where you take a pill,
and you're all better.
1240
01:20:13,141 --> 01:20:14,309
It cracks you open.
1241
01:20:14,392 --> 01:20:18,063
You know, it gives you a new white canvas
to paint whatever you want on there.
1242
01:20:18,146 --> 01:20:22,901
But you have to put in plans
and integration afterwards.
1243
01:20:22,984 --> 01:20:27,072
You gotta put these things in place.
Otherwise, you potentially can go back.
1244
01:20:27,155 --> 01:20:28,657
[waves crashing gently]
1245
01:20:34,663 --> 01:20:36,915
[Marcus] These are the things
that people have to do
1246
01:20:36,998 --> 01:20:38,625
after they open themselves up.
1247
01:20:45,674 --> 01:20:48,218
Dude, you look good, man.
You look better than last time I saw you.
1248
01:20:48,301 --> 01:20:50,470
[Matty] Uh, I think I look worse.
1249
01:20:51,054 --> 01:20:52,722
I think I'm okay. I don't know.
1250
01:20:52,806 --> 01:20:56,184
Some days are worse than others.
But I don't think about the physical part.
1251
01:20:56,268 --> 01:20:59,437
I just think about all the brain stuff
and the mental part of it.
1252
01:20:59,521 --> 01:21:03,275
I'll be honest, man,
I thought our 2007 deployment was
1253
01:21:03,358 --> 01:21:06,319
a large reason why I was the way I was.
1254
01:21:06,403 --> 01:21:09,197
Right? We never talked about it.
We never even had a fuckin' debrief.
1255
01:21:09,281 --> 01:21:11,783
We had a five-minute conversation.
We never spoke about it again.
1256
01:21:11,867 --> 01:21:12,784
- Never.
- Yeah.
1257
01:21:12,868 --> 01:21:16,204
When you were in the hospital,
I met you back there. They flew me home.
1258
01:21:16,288 --> 01:21:18,290
I never talked to the dudes
about Red Wings.
1259
01:21:18,373 --> 01:21:19,541
- No?
- Never.
1260
01:21:20,333 --> 01:21:22,460
What do you think
about going down to Mexico?
1261
01:21:24,254 --> 01:21:27,424
Maybe. Like, just to be trapped
inside your own fucking head.
1262
01:21:27,507 --> 01:21:29,718
Like, that seems
like you're gonna lock the door
1263
01:21:29,801 --> 01:21:31,720
and somebody else is gonna have the key.
1264
01:21:31,803 --> 01:21:33,763
And you're gonna just be in there
until, what?
1265
01:21:33,847 --> 01:21:35,098
Thirteen, 14 hours?
1266
01:21:35,181 --> 01:21:37,225
Or however long it fucking takes.
1267
01:21:37,309 --> 01:21:40,145
I think it depends on your intention
and how much you've prepared for it.
1268
01:21:40,228 --> 01:21:43,732
Knowing what I know now, I tell dudes,
1269
01:21:44,232 --> 01:21:47,068
since you've never done it,
I'd lean all the fucking way in.
1270
01:21:47,152 --> 01:21:49,195
I mean, we went down
with some heavy hitters.
1271
01:21:49,279 --> 01:21:51,197
Some of the baddest dudes I have ever met.
1272
01:21:51,281 --> 01:21:54,743
Like, there was some heavy shit
dropped on the table. Like…
1273
01:21:54,826 --> 01:21:56,953
- How much of that was military?
- None of it.
1274
01:21:57,037 --> 01:21:58,788
None of it, dude.
A bunch of childhood shit.
1275
01:21:58,872 --> 01:22:01,124
And when you hear it,
you're like, "Fuck, man."
1276
01:22:01,207 --> 01:22:04,169
"You've been living
with that for 40 fuckin' years?"
1277
01:22:04,252 --> 01:22:06,379
What are you most hesitant about,
about going down?
1278
01:22:06,463 --> 01:22:09,090
Do you think it's childhood stuff,
or you think it's more Team stuff?
1279
01:22:10,884 --> 01:22:12,135
{\an8}I think it's all of it.
1280
01:22:12,636 --> 01:22:15,305
But just keeping it inside
ain't fuckin' working.
1281
01:22:16,306 --> 01:22:19,935
- Are you gonna do it again?
- If you wanna go, I'm in.
1282
01:22:20,018 --> 01:22:21,478
[Matty exhales forcefully]
1283
01:22:21,561 --> 01:22:24,564
["Fearless" by Pink Floyd playing]
1284
01:22:28,318 --> 01:22:31,529
[Matty] I don't trust anybody.
Any of my good friends will tell you.
1285
01:22:32,530 --> 01:22:36,368
Uh, but if my buddy says something to me,
I… I can trust it.
1286
01:22:38,745 --> 01:22:43,124
So if this crazy, hippie-ass shit helps,
1287
01:22:43,625 --> 01:22:45,126
if it helped them,
1288
01:22:46,461 --> 01:22:48,004
maybe I should do it.
1289
01:22:48,088 --> 01:22:49,798
That's kinda how I'm thinking right now.
1290
01:22:52,300 --> 01:22:55,303
It never ends. [laughs]
1291
01:22:55,845 --> 01:22:58,306
Where's Matty? Trying to jump
out of this thing? Trying to hide?
1292
01:23:00,016 --> 01:23:01,017
[woman] I'm proud of you.
1293
01:23:01,101 --> 01:23:03,019
I'm trying to…
Hope I don't shit myself on camera.
1294
01:23:03,103 --> 01:23:04,145
You're good. You're good.
1295
01:23:04,646 --> 01:23:08,650
- ♪ You say the hill's too steep to climb ♪
- All right.
1296
01:23:08,733 --> 01:23:09,943
[sighs]
1297
01:23:10,777 --> 01:23:13,113
[woman] I feel like you guys
are getting ready to deploy.
1298
01:23:13,196 --> 01:23:15,281
[Matty] I feel like…
feel like that, actually.
1299
01:23:17,617 --> 01:23:22,414
♪ You say you'd like to see me try… ♪
1300
01:23:24,290 --> 01:23:26,876
[DJ] I went down for Matty
because I thought I could get him to go.
1301
01:23:26,960 --> 01:23:28,586
♪ Climbing… ♪
1302
01:23:28,670 --> 01:23:29,796
[DJ] And for me,
1303
01:23:29,879 --> 01:23:33,675
I am definitely light-years
where I was in 2019.
1304
01:23:34,759 --> 01:23:36,761
But you can always be better.
1305
01:23:36,845 --> 01:23:39,764
♪ And I'll climb ♪
1306
01:23:39,848 --> 01:23:42,851
♪ The hill in my own way ♪
1307
01:23:44,978 --> 01:23:47,731
♪ Just wait a while ♪
1308
01:23:47,814 --> 01:23:50,025
♪ For the right day ♪
1309
01:23:50,108 --> 01:23:52,569
- [man chuckles]
- [indistinct chatter]
1310
01:23:52,652 --> 01:23:58,283
♪ And as I rise
Above the tree line and the clouds ♪
1311
01:23:58,366 --> 01:24:00,827
♪ I look down ♪
1312
01:24:01,411 --> 01:24:04,372
♪ Hear the sound of the things… ♪
1313
01:24:04,456 --> 01:24:06,332
[man] How are you feeling
about tonight, Marcus?
1314
01:24:06,916 --> 01:24:10,503
- I feel wonderful.
- Yeah, 'cause you already done the shit.
1315
01:24:10,587 --> 01:24:15,175
I'm gonna hold space
and support these two fine men.
1316
01:24:15,258 --> 01:24:16,134
[man] How you feeling?
1317
01:24:16,217 --> 01:24:18,928
[Matty] Don't know if I'm looking forward
to it or dreadin' it.
1318
01:24:19,012 --> 01:24:21,514
- [man] You ever done anything like this?
- Nope.
1319
01:24:21,598 --> 01:24:22,599
[man] Nothing?
1320
01:24:23,099 --> 01:24:26,686
{\an8}Sometimes it can be
where others will show up.
1321
01:24:26,770 --> 01:24:28,396
{\an8}It could be like other people.
1322
01:24:29,230 --> 01:24:31,107
Other times, it's like voices,
1323
01:24:31,191 --> 01:24:34,861
or sometimes it can feel
like you're interacting with something.
1324
01:24:34,944 --> 01:24:37,489
Like, there's a little bit
of back and forth with the medicine.
1325
01:24:37,572 --> 01:24:40,825
Does it wipe you out physically?
Like you can't get up?
1326
01:24:41,409 --> 01:24:46,164
Um, if you're used to doing hard things,
I think you have already the kind of,
1327
01:24:46,664 --> 01:24:50,502
you know, mental stamina
to get through it, but it's… it's hard.
1328
01:24:50,585 --> 01:24:52,879
- [group chuckles]
- Yeah.
1329
01:24:52,962 --> 01:24:56,674
Jesus Christ.
What have I got myself into it?
1330
01:24:56,758 --> 01:24:58,760
["Fearless" continues]
1331
01:25:10,897 --> 01:25:14,692
All right, gentlemen. Welcome.
We're thrilled that you're here.
1332
01:25:14,776 --> 01:25:16,444
Honored that you're here.
1333
01:25:16,528 --> 01:25:18,530
"The shit I am getting rid of."
1334
01:25:19,405 --> 01:25:22,200
{\an8}"Shame, guilt, self-doubts,
1335
01:25:22,283 --> 01:25:24,786
{\an8}regrets of my past,
and unresolved conflicts."
1336
01:25:26,079 --> 01:25:29,707
{\an8}"What I am trying to find
is my inner peace."
1337
01:25:30,291 --> 01:25:32,085
"Put my priorities back in line."
1338
01:25:33,086 --> 01:25:36,464
"And spend my next 40 years
devoted to my family and my friends."
1339
01:25:36,548 --> 01:25:38,550
And I'm not gonna waste
a single day of it.
1340
01:25:39,425 --> 01:25:41,594
[Matty] Uh, I'm not much for speeches.
1341
01:25:41,678 --> 01:25:46,766
But the biggest thing on here
is I don't wanna live in fear anymore.
1342
01:25:47,392 --> 01:25:49,978
- [Marcus] Amen. Amen.
- [woman] Amen.
1343
01:25:50,770 --> 01:25:55,400
Marcus, any words of wisdom from a guy
who's been down the road a few times?
1344
01:25:55,483 --> 01:26:01,030
I'm just grateful every day that, um,
the medicine spoke to me five years ago.
1345
01:26:01,114 --> 01:26:07,162
And… and I'm able to just pass it along
to my friends who I love, my brothers,
1346
01:26:07,245 --> 01:26:08,413
my teammates.
1347
01:26:08,496 --> 01:26:13,585
You deserve to be happy…
and live a good life.
1348
01:26:14,294 --> 01:26:17,380
And you got it inside you,
and I just want you to heal tonight.
1349
01:26:17,463 --> 01:26:19,465
[somber music playing]
1350
01:26:25,013 --> 01:26:27,015
[indistinct chatter]
1351
01:26:41,321 --> 01:26:43,489
[Matty] You know,
I'd never dealt with Red Wings.
1352
01:26:44,616 --> 01:26:49,996
And, uh, just not been able
to look in the mirror for a long time.
1353
01:26:56,252 --> 01:26:57,712
- [man] All right?
- All right, brother.
1354
01:26:57,795 --> 01:26:59,547
- [man] Have a safe trip.
- Thanks, man.
1355
01:27:06,221 --> 01:27:08,890
[Matty] You… you carry
your buddies' bodies.
1356
01:27:08,973 --> 01:27:10,934
Just, you're never gonna leave that.
1357
01:27:11,017 --> 01:27:12,352
It never goes away.
1358
01:27:14,771 --> 01:27:17,273
I can't believe I did a platoon
after that, man.
1359
01:27:17,774 --> 01:27:19,025
That's insane.
1360
01:27:23,112 --> 01:27:24,864
{\an8}[rattling rhythmically]
1361
01:27:32,789 --> 01:27:34,707
[Matty] Being a Team guy
was everything to me,
1362
01:27:34,791 --> 01:27:37,210
and now I just kind of want it
to go the fuck away.
1363
01:27:38,419 --> 01:27:41,631
I guess I'm just trying to get answers
that I've never gotten before.
1364
01:28:30,388 --> 01:28:31,389
[rumbling]
1365
01:28:31,472 --> 01:28:32,765
[whooshing]
1366
01:28:39,230 --> 01:28:41,232
[unsettling music playing]
1367
01:28:44,652 --> 01:28:46,487
[Matty] I saw a group of people.
1368
01:28:47,822 --> 01:28:50,366
One of 'em starts to walk away.
1369
01:28:55,163 --> 01:28:56,914
It was like looking in a mirror.
1370
01:28:58,249 --> 01:29:00,626
He's staring at me,
and I'm staring back at him.
1371
01:29:00,710 --> 01:29:04,172
And it just did that over
and over and over.
1372
01:29:06,341 --> 01:29:08,259
Until I would throw up.
1373
01:29:13,556 --> 01:29:16,142
If I got that look
from somebody out in public,
1374
01:29:16,225 --> 01:29:18,644
I'd be like, "That's a problem."
1375
01:29:25,485 --> 01:29:27,070
Maybe that was my ego.
1376
01:29:28,696 --> 01:29:31,616
Your ego is your perception of yourself
in the world.
1377
01:29:31,699 --> 01:29:33,910
It's crafted and shaped
by your experiences.
1378
01:29:33,993 --> 01:29:35,995
And God, it's a fuckin' monster.
1379
01:29:37,163 --> 01:29:38,831
And I do not like it anymore.
1380
01:29:38,915 --> 01:29:40,917
[shattering]
1381
01:29:43,544 --> 01:29:45,546
[wind rushing]
1382
01:29:50,968 --> 01:29:52,970
[unsettling music fades]
1383
01:29:57,642 --> 01:29:58,768
[sighs]
1384
01:30:10,363 --> 01:30:12,365
[tense music playing]
1385
01:30:18,704 --> 01:30:20,915
- Is it normal to be nervous?
- [woman] Yes.
1386
01:30:20,998 --> 01:30:23,459
- Yeah. Yes.
- [man] Yeah.
1387
01:30:23,543 --> 01:30:25,294
I've already done it,
and I'm fuckin' nervous.
1388
01:30:25,378 --> 01:30:29,549
I like to say that ibogaine sandblasts you
from the inside out,
1389
01:30:29,632 --> 01:30:33,010
and then 5-MeO, like, gently polishes you.
1390
01:30:45,648 --> 01:30:47,650
[calming music playing]
1391
01:30:49,610 --> 01:30:53,781
[man] It's like tapping
into the ocean of being itself.
1392
01:30:57,368 --> 01:31:01,164
{\an8}And I think what it's really good at
is breaking down that barrier
1393
01:31:01,247 --> 01:31:02,623
{\an8}between us and everything else,
1394
01:31:02,707 --> 01:31:05,126
{\an8}which is really
just a psychological barrier.
1395
01:31:34,906 --> 01:31:37,116
I worked with a great practitioner once
who said,
1396
01:31:37,200 --> 01:31:38,993
"You might feel
like you're gonna explode."
1397
01:31:39,076 --> 01:31:40,620
"Just explode."
1398
01:31:41,120 --> 01:31:44,123
"You might feel like you're gonna die.
Just die."
1399
01:31:45,750 --> 01:31:49,462
Like that's kind of
exactly what we're aiming for here.
1400
01:32:22,328 --> 01:32:24,330
[Matty cries out]
1401
01:32:27,500 --> 01:32:29,502
[sobbing]
1402
01:32:35,841 --> 01:32:37,843
[panting]
1403
01:32:45,059 --> 01:32:47,812
[crying] Thank you. Thank you.
1404
01:32:53,442 --> 01:32:59,031
Fuckin'… it's all just love, man.
1405
01:33:03,202 --> 01:33:07,665
[man] Oh, this is all I ever wanted
was just to feel.
1406
01:33:10,251 --> 01:33:12,128
[calming music fades]
1407
01:33:12,211 --> 01:33:13,879
Come here, dude. [grunts]
1408
01:33:13,963 --> 01:33:15,965
- Yeah. [chuckles]
- Thank you so much.
1409
01:33:16,048 --> 01:33:18,217
- Thank you so much for this.
- [Marcus] Yeah, man.
1410
01:33:18,301 --> 01:33:21,554
- [DJ] God, my kids thank you.
- [Marcus] Yeah, man.
1411
01:33:21,637 --> 01:33:24,348
I love you, bro. I love you, brother.
I love you, dude.
1412
01:33:25,099 --> 01:33:26,392
[DJ sighs] Oh, fuck.
1413
01:33:26,475 --> 01:33:30,688
[Marcus] You got a lot of shit to do
ahead of you, so good stuff, buddy.
1414
01:33:30,771 --> 01:33:31,939
[DJ sighs]
1415
01:33:42,867 --> 01:33:44,160
[DJ whispers] Let it go.
1416
01:33:44,243 --> 01:33:45,411
[Matty groans]
1417
01:33:45,995 --> 01:33:47,413
[softly] Let it go.
1418
01:33:58,799 --> 01:34:00,343
All right, that's enough.
1419
01:34:01,135 --> 01:34:02,762
Just stay in it.
1420
01:34:03,429 --> 01:34:04,639
[Matty sighs]
1421
01:34:06,474 --> 01:34:07,558
I have no idea.
1422
01:34:08,351 --> 01:34:09,644
You're still in it.
1423
01:34:11,020 --> 01:34:12,438
[Matty] I don't like this.
1424
01:34:12,521 --> 01:34:13,606
It'll pass.
1425
01:35:09,370 --> 01:35:12,248
- I'm still looking for war, Marcus.
- You're good, man.
1426
01:35:16,252 --> 01:35:19,338
You are good. You are good.
1427
01:35:30,808 --> 01:35:33,352
[Matty] I had a notion
it wasn't gonna be military stuff,
1428
01:35:34,103 --> 01:35:36,981
but it… the way it did,
it wasn't what I expected.
1429
01:35:40,943 --> 01:35:44,363
It's like being in a room
and holding up these expectations.
1430
01:35:44,447 --> 01:35:48,492
You're like, "Take care of this.
This is my problems. It's this and this."
1431
01:35:48,576 --> 01:35:51,495
The toad, or the effects of it, step in.
1432
01:35:52,413 --> 01:35:54,373
Those are just curtains, man.
1433
01:35:54,457 --> 01:35:58,878
Moved 'em out of the way and was like,
"Don't worry about this."
1434
01:35:59,795 --> 01:36:00,963
"What's behind you?"
1435
01:36:01,046 --> 01:36:04,967
"That rusty-ass box that's back there
1436
01:36:05,050 --> 01:36:08,137
with fucking chains
and cobwebs all over it,
1437
01:36:09,221 --> 01:36:13,350
that's leaking out all over the floor,
that's what we're gonna talk about."
1438
01:36:13,434 --> 01:36:15,978
"That's what this is gonna be about.
It's not gonna be about that."
1439
01:36:20,441 --> 01:36:22,443
[Matty panting]
1440
01:36:29,200 --> 01:36:31,368
[sobs] Fuck!
1441
01:36:44,423 --> 01:36:46,217
[Matty] It encompassed a lot of shit.
1442
01:36:50,012 --> 01:36:51,305
Shit from childhood.
1443
01:36:51,972 --> 01:36:53,224
It's just trauma.
1444
01:36:55,059 --> 01:36:57,728
My family didn't know anything about it.
1445
01:37:02,817 --> 01:37:05,653
I ditched belief a long time ago.
1446
01:37:05,736 --> 01:37:09,114
Um, I… My faith
was broken a long time ago.
1447
01:37:10,908 --> 01:37:12,743
I'm tired of being afraid, man.
1448
01:37:15,955 --> 01:37:17,414
It's the only thing I remember.
1449
01:37:21,669 --> 01:37:23,045
[Marcus] You are fearless.
1450
01:37:25,506 --> 01:37:26,382
It's done.
1451
01:37:26,465 --> 01:37:27,424
Done.
1452
01:37:28,008 --> 01:37:29,009
It's done, Matty.
1453
01:37:30,719 --> 01:37:32,054
A long time ago.
1454
01:37:39,395 --> 01:37:40,604
Want to just lie down?
1455
01:37:42,356 --> 01:37:46,068
- [Matty] I just want you guys right here.
- [Marcus] Okay. We aren't moving, then.
1456
01:37:55,244 --> 01:37:58,789
[interviewer] Do you want to tell me
a little bit about your experience?
1457
01:38:00,165 --> 01:38:02,626
[Joe] Towards the end of it…
it showed me, like, my soul,
1458
01:38:02,710 --> 01:38:05,880
and it showed my body,
and it showed my consciousness.
1459
01:38:06,380 --> 01:38:08,632
{\an8}And then it was like,
"Are you ready to be whole again?"
1460
01:38:08,716 --> 01:38:12,469
{\an8}And just metaphysically,
like, slapped me back together.
1461
01:38:13,804 --> 01:38:18,100
[Elias] For me, I saw the perspective
of those young men
1462
01:38:18,183 --> 01:38:20,853
that were opposite of me
on the battlefield.
1463
01:38:21,353 --> 01:38:24,440
It was being shown the other side.
1464
01:38:28,402 --> 01:38:29,320
[Ron] My thing is,
1465
01:38:29,403 --> 01:38:32,698
if we didn't abuse children,
would we have a military?
1466
01:38:33,198 --> 01:38:35,159
Like, that's a question that I have now.
1467
01:38:36,994 --> 01:38:40,748
[interviewer] Since the treatment,
have you been feeling down at all?
1468
01:38:40,831 --> 01:38:41,749
[chuckles] No.
1469
01:38:41,832 --> 01:38:43,334
Not in the least.
1470
01:38:43,834 --> 01:38:45,127
Not at all.
1471
01:38:45,210 --> 01:38:47,838
[interviewer] What about when you look
in the mirror?
1472
01:38:47,922 --> 01:38:49,131
Do you see a difference?
1473
01:38:49,214 --> 01:38:51,467
- Yeah, I love myself.
- [both chuckle]
1474
01:38:52,217 --> 01:38:54,929
Um, this morning, brushing my teeth,
I was like, "I love you."
1475
01:38:55,012 --> 01:38:58,349
You know? It's like I can't help it.
It's just pouring out of me.
1476
01:38:58,432 --> 01:39:02,937
Um, there's a light in my eye
that I haven't seen since I was a child.
1477
01:39:03,604 --> 01:39:04,480
[interviewer] Nice.
1478
01:39:05,856 --> 01:39:09,777
[man] The vast majority of the subjects
not only responded to the treatment,
1479
01:39:09,860 --> 01:39:14,949
but are now below what would even
be considered mild PTSD severity.
1480
01:39:15,449 --> 01:39:18,452
I feel light.
All the tension in my body is gone.
1481
01:39:18,535 --> 01:39:21,497
My headache that I've had
for 12 years is gone.
1482
01:39:22,331 --> 01:39:26,669
And I felt like my… I felt like my brain
was, like, regenerating.
1483
01:39:26,752 --> 01:39:28,837
It was, like, growing or something.
1484
01:39:29,421 --> 01:39:33,217
[interviewer] Since I last spoke with you,
have you been feeling self-critical,
1485
01:39:33,300 --> 01:39:35,970
guilty, feeling like a failure,
putting yourself down?
1486
01:39:36,053 --> 01:39:36,887
No.
1487
01:39:36,971 --> 01:39:39,682
[interviewer] Self-critical,
like a failure, putting yourself down?
1488
01:39:39,765 --> 01:39:42,226
- Giving yourself a hard time?
- No. Yeah, no.
1489
01:39:42,309 --> 01:39:44,728
[interviewer] Have you had thoughts
of wanting to hurt yourself
1490
01:39:44,812 --> 01:39:45,980
or wanting to die?
1491
01:39:46,939 --> 01:39:49,525
How have you been feeling about that?
Any changes?
1492
01:39:51,902 --> 01:39:52,987
Yeah, um…
1493
01:39:53,779 --> 01:39:57,408
Man. Yeah, that's gone, for sure.
1494
01:39:59,451 --> 01:40:01,578
I just can't believe
that I got to that place.
1495
01:40:01,662 --> 01:40:02,705
[interviewer] Yeah.
1496
01:40:04,623 --> 01:40:07,501
{\an8}[man] Really, what we need
is a larger sample.
1497
01:40:07,584 --> 01:40:10,629
And it would be better
with more time points as well.
1498
01:40:10,713 --> 01:40:14,258
Then we can have a better idea
as to what it's really looking like.
1499
01:40:15,300 --> 01:40:17,011
[Nolan] This is the first shot.
1500
01:40:17,094 --> 01:40:18,721
We have a lot more work to do.
1501
01:40:19,221 --> 01:40:22,683
But the idea that,
you know, there's a tool out there
1502
01:40:22,766 --> 01:40:28,981
that could mend the mind at this level,
it's… it's pretty unheard of.
1503
01:40:37,072 --> 01:40:39,992
{\an8}[woman] So I'm just wondering
how you're doing.
1504
01:40:42,286 --> 01:40:43,954
{\an8}[Matty] Mexico just beat the crap
out of me.
1505
01:40:44,038 --> 01:40:44,997
{\an8}[Cynthia] Mm.
1506
01:40:45,080 --> 01:40:50,044
{\an8}But I could feel
a connection to everything.
1507
01:40:50,127 --> 01:40:52,296
- [Cynthia] Yeah.
- Everything.
1508
01:40:52,379 --> 01:40:58,260
And I've stepped back toward my faith,
1509
01:40:58,343 --> 01:41:01,013
uh, that I had just walked away from.
1510
01:41:07,227 --> 01:41:10,981
I mean, I'd… I've come close to dying.
1511
01:41:12,649 --> 01:41:14,234
You know, death is terrifying.
1512
01:41:14,318 --> 01:41:20,783
But what I also realized after Mexico
is I've been even more afraid of life.
1513
01:41:22,326 --> 01:41:23,327
[Cynthia] Mm.
1514
01:41:28,207 --> 01:41:30,375
That's been there since I was a kid.
1515
01:41:30,876 --> 01:41:33,462
And it was such a drive
for everything I did.
1516
01:41:33,545 --> 01:41:34,963
I became this to be scary.
1517
01:41:35,047 --> 01:41:37,174
I became this
because I wanted to be dangerous.
1518
01:41:37,257 --> 01:41:39,593
I wanted to be somebody that
1519
01:41:40,719 --> 01:41:45,099
would not have to worry
about being the victim.
1520
01:41:46,225 --> 01:41:47,434
You know?
1521
01:41:47,518 --> 01:41:51,939
And I thought that if I did that,
I would not be afraid.
1522
01:41:52,022 --> 01:41:55,901
I wouldn't have to be afraid anymore.
And that was a lie.
1523
01:41:56,401 --> 01:41:59,238
- I… It was a lie.
- [Cynthia] Mm-hmm.
1524
01:41:59,321 --> 01:42:01,532
I was always…
I was still… I was still afraid.
1525
01:42:01,615 --> 01:42:02,741
[Cynthia] Mm-hmm.
1526
01:42:02,825 --> 01:42:06,370
I think that
we're all born really innocent.
1527
01:42:07,079 --> 01:42:09,498
And then life begins to happen.
1528
01:42:09,581 --> 01:42:12,417
And we begin to listen
to this voice in our head.
1529
01:42:12,501 --> 01:42:14,419
And then it hijacks us.
1530
01:42:14,503 --> 01:42:19,716
If I go into a dark place,
now instead of being in it as a captive,
1531
01:42:19,800 --> 01:42:21,218
I'm in it as an observer.
1532
01:42:22,511 --> 01:42:26,140
- But it doesn't have to trap me anymore.
- [Cynthia] Mm.
1533
01:42:26,223 --> 01:42:29,143
["Free in the Knowledge"
by The Smile playing]
1534
01:42:31,186 --> 01:42:32,813
♪ Free ♪
1535
01:42:32,896 --> 01:42:34,231
All right, come on, crazy.
1536
01:42:34,314 --> 01:42:37,025
♪ In the knowledge ♪
1537
01:42:38,068 --> 01:42:42,489
♪ That one day this will end ♪
1538
01:42:44,158 --> 01:42:45,784
♪ Free… ♪
1539
01:42:47,119 --> 01:42:49,204
We've served about 400 veterans.
1540
01:42:49,705 --> 01:42:53,083
Um, we're on track to hit 125 this year.
1541
01:42:53,167 --> 01:42:55,377
♪ Everything is changed ♪
1542
01:42:57,254 --> 01:42:59,256
♪ And this ♪
1543
01:42:59,339 --> 01:43:00,799
[Lola exclaims]
1544
01:43:00,883 --> 01:43:04,970
♪ Was just a bad moment… ♪
1545
01:43:06,221 --> 01:43:08,056
They're feeling connected again.
1546
01:43:08,140 --> 01:43:11,476
They're feeling like their life has
purpose and meaning again.
1547
01:43:12,644 --> 01:43:15,355
And for every veteran we support,
1548
01:43:15,439 --> 01:43:18,233
they know two to five veterans
that are struggling.
1549
01:43:18,317 --> 01:43:20,611
They want to tell all their friends.
1550
01:43:20,694 --> 01:43:22,905
♪ With soldiers on our backs… ♪
1551
01:43:22,988 --> 01:43:24,573
What's up, man?
1552
01:43:24,656 --> 01:43:25,657
How you doing?
1553
01:43:27,201 --> 01:43:31,705
♪ We won't get caught like that ♪
1554
01:43:35,250 --> 01:43:37,044
♪ A face ♪
1555
01:43:38,045 --> 01:43:40,631
♪ Using fear ♪
1556
01:43:41,798 --> 01:43:45,677
♪ To try to keep control ♪
1557
01:43:48,388 --> 01:43:53,477
♪ When we get together ♪
1558
01:43:55,187 --> 01:43:58,899
♪ Well then, who knows? ♪
1559
01:44:01,401 --> 01:44:02,903
♪ If this ♪
1560
01:44:04,613 --> 01:44:08,575
♪ Is just a bad moment ♪
1561
01:44:10,494 --> 01:44:14,915
♪ And we are fumblin' around ♪
1562
01:44:17,501 --> 01:44:22,172
♪ But we won't get caught like that ♪
1563
01:44:24,258 --> 01:44:29,346
♪ Soldiers on our backs ♪
1564
01:44:30,806 --> 01:44:35,435
♪ We won't get caught like that ♪
1565
01:44:40,023 --> 01:44:44,987
♪ I talk to the face in the mirror ♪
1566
01:44:46,196 --> 01:44:49,866
♪ But he can't get through ♪
1567
01:44:52,619 --> 01:44:57,374
♪ I said, "It's time that you deliver" ♪
1568
01:44:58,959 --> 01:45:02,629
♪ "We see through you" ♪
1569
01:45:05,340 --> 01:45:10,012
♪ I talk to the face in the mirror ♪
1570
01:45:11,388 --> 01:45:15,100
♪ Now, he can't get through ♪
1571
01:45:17,519 --> 01:45:22,190
♪ Turns out we're in this together ♪
1572
01:45:23,817 --> 01:45:27,279
♪ Both me and you ♪
1573
01:45:28,363 --> 01:45:30,282
[introspective indie song fades]
1574
01:45:30,365 --> 01:45:32,367
[calming instrumental music playing]
1575
01:47:56,887 --> 01:47:58,889
[instrumental music fades]