Downloaded from YTS.MX
Yesterday I got a mosquito bite under my jumpsuit.
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The ambitiousness of the bugs here.
That is true Texas history.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Look, I'm pretty sure one of them
got a piece of labia, and I just said, "Good work.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"You did what you had to do to survive."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I like to think of myself as an underdog.
I am in my family, because I'm the least favorite child.
- [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] - WOMAN: Aww.
It's okay. Somebody's gotta be in third place.
- It's not that bad. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Okay? Bronze is still a medal.
I'm not mad. I just know...
I'm at least my mom's least favorite kid right now.
Yeah, I sunk to the bottom because I announced I'm not having kids.
That's the kiss of death.
You can't tell a boomer you're not giving them grandchildren.
That's the whole reason they had you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
To them, you haven't, like, fulfilled your end of a contract.
My mom was getting mad at me,
she was like, "After all I gave you,
"after everything I sacrificed for you,
"you don't want to have grandkids."
And I was like, "Exactly. I want to keep the everything."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"You sacrificed. Why would I give it to some bitch I don't know?
- "Why would I do that?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Anybody here child-free by choice? Anybody?
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
I love that now,
as I'm touring the country,
I'm asking this question.
As I'm touring this country,
as I ask that question, I hear "Whoos."
I hear yeses.
Because I'm telling you, when I started comedy almost 10 years ago,
when I said I didn't want kids, people gasped.
They were disappointed. They were upset.
They were like, "But you look like you already have them."
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - You know, they were just mad...
The commentary was cruel,
you know, but now,
thanks to the beauty of the pandemic, if you will,
a lot of parents spend some real time with their children.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And they get it now. [CHUCKLES]
They're like, "Run, run." [LAUGHS]
No, seriously, I don't hate kids, though,
but I just know I don't want them.
Like, I'm never a jerk about it.
When people with kids talk to me about their kids, I listen.
But it never fails, they go, "How many do you have?"
and I say, "None,"
and they go, "Really?" And I go, "Yeah. I don't want kids."
And they go, [GASPS] "Does your husband know?"
And I have to go, "No, I told you first.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"We are on a bus together, but you felt special!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Why would I do that?
I don't know. I think part of the reason, though,
why me and my husband in particular
gets so much pressure for kids
is because we're an interracial couple.
And everybody loves a Zendaya. What can I say?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
When they see a Black girl and a white guy,
they're like, "Yes, make us more child actors. Yes!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Honestly, I kind of miss when interracial dating was more taboo.
Like, we're everywhere now.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
I miss feeling like I was a freedom fighter.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Now it just looks like we're selling paper towels. I don't like it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He makes me look uncool.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I love him, though. I love my man so much.
Like I said, we're an interracial couple.
He happens to be white. I'm Black.
I don't really, like, think about it all the time,
but I do have several jokes
that have made their way to the Internet
about my interracial dating.
And some of them have gotten positive reactions.
Others have made me want to jump.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I had this old, old joke.
It's one of the very first ones I ever recorded.
And I decided to post it because I'm like,
"I need to be a part of the Internet,"
and "I don't want to do crowd work because this is about me."
- Uh, so... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Okay. All right.
- I'm a crowd-rest comedian, okay? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
You are welcome to shut the fuck up. You are just...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Kick back, relax.
You're in good hands.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I was like, "I gotta post clips."
So I posted a super old clip,
one of the first jokes I wrote
about the way most white guys,
not my husband, hits on me.
My husband did not hit on me the way most white guys hit on me.
My husband was just around
until I noticed him.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He was just around, you know.
And eventually, I was just like, "Huh, this guy,
"probably won't murder me." You know what I mean?
- Like, he just... - a[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He grew on me like a good fungus.
- Like, he just... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I love him so much.
We just balance each other out. It's great.
But back in the day, when I was out in the bars and the clubs,
I used to get hit on by a very specific white man.
I don't see this type of man out here tonight.
I think I'm safe.
This man, imagine if Travis Kelce had no money.
- All right? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You're visualizing it? Okay.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
It's just the kind of dude who stays up too late,
watching, you know, BET,
and he's like... [LAUGHS SLEAZILY]
"Okay, girl. Say, girl,
"I see this whole cinnamon, nutmeg, caramel..."
I'm like, "What are you ordering?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Really, I'm just trying to say I like chocolate."
I'm like, "I hope you get diabetes.
- "Leave me alone." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I posted that part of the joke,
and then I posted the next punchline,
which is where I say, "What makes me mad about it
"is I know white women don't experience the reverse of this."
I know white women are not out at bars,
and someone's like... [CHUCKLES] "All right, cottage cheese."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm glad you enjoyed that.
I think it's one of my better bits.
The Internet did it first.
At first, it made its way to other Black women.
We connected, we saw each other,
we laughed, it felt good, I saw community.
But then it made its way to some white women.
Some of them laughed,
the rest of them, I do owe an apology to. Let me explain.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
When I said, "Cottage cheese,"
I just thought of a white food, you know.
I didn't realize the connection to thighs that y'all...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And in my defense, like, I don't see things through...
I'm a Black woman. I see things through my lens.
If I was gonna describe my thighs,
I would be like, "A Nestle Crunch bar
"that's just been left out all day."
- You know what I mean? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm not saying I'm perfect.
But to the white women of the Internet,
I'm sorry, okay?
Vanilla was right there. I'm so sorry.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
You were right. I owe you one.
But then came the men.
All ages.
But especially your children.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The middle-aged boys of Reddit hate me.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
They found me. They hate me.
They think I'm ugly. They think I'm fat.
They think I'm annoying. Okay, those are opinions.
You're allowed to have them. That's fine.
Have opinions. They think I'm not funny. Opinions.
What I didn't appreciate was this comment I kept getting,
"No white man ever would hit on her."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Now that's egregious, okay?
White men are not some rare Pokemon that I can't catch.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
White men are plentiful.
Dare I say it? Our most renewable resource.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I love my husband, but like, I know
I can get another one. You know what I mean?
Like, I just... I've never not thought about it.
I'm not saying I'm the hottest girl on the planet.
I'm not saying I'm picking up Chris Evans at Nobu.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But am I getting your daddy at a Long John Silver's? Absolutely.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Absolutely.
Now I have to devastate your whole family to prove a point. Okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I gotta fuck people's dads just to prove a point.
My relationship with the Internet is not healthy.
It's not. I will say I love that the Internet brings us together.
We get more comfortable talking about
all of the darkness of life, especially mental illness.
I'm so glad we're in this place where it's not this big secret.
But it also makes me feel weird,
because I've had ADHD, depression
and anxiety for over a decade.
Which means I was crazy before it was cool.
- And that bothers me. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like, everyone kinda wears it like a badge now.
And I'm not saying, "Don't do that."
But there is a part of me that's like, "You weren't in the trenches."
Okay, okay.
I have some grippy socks that I earned. Okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
You don't know what it was.
I was talking about this to a friend one time,
and she told me to stop saying, "Crazy."
Like, "Don't call yourself crazy. That's pejorative.
"Don't say crazy." And I was like, "Uh...
"As a person of crazy, I will."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"As a POC..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"...it is my birthright, okay?"
But yeah, I'm neuro divergent.
I have ADHD, depression and anxiety.
The trio, if you will.
I just remember being told
that therapy was for white people.
Medication was for white people.
And truthfully, I don't think y'all earned it.
- You know what I mean? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Why should white people be the only ones
who get to be mentally well?
What have you done to deserve peace?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Nothing.
[CHUCKLES]
So I disturb a white man's peace every day, okay? [LAUGHS]
But I had a revelation about him the other day.
Like, I realized part of the reason
why we are always butting heads
is because I grew up in a family
where you never got to ask questions.
You never got to ask why. You were just told because and to be quiet.
And he grew up a white man in America,
which means he has no natural predators.
- And that's crazy. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Can you imagine just not having a real reason to ever be afraid?
Like, we live in a not-so-nice-part of LA.
At least once a week, I hear a noise that might be gunshots,
might be fireworks, and he goes, "Ooh, let's check it out."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What is that instinct?
What is that desire for danger?
I'll never know.
Like I'm all for diversity, all for diversity
in casting movies, TV, whatever.
I think anybody can play anything,
but I think there is one role
that must be occupied by a white man.
Spider-Man.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
Now I know there's a whole Spider-verse.
There's Miles Morales. I know. I'm up on this.
But hear me out.
Spider-Man has two major powers, if you will.
He's got web-slinging. That's the cool one. Okay?
And then he's got Spidey senses.
Do you know what Spidey senses are?
Just the ability to know stuff is wrong.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know who else has that?
Every woman and minority on the planet.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Everyone who's not a straight, cis, white male is like,
"I'm not okay." [CHUCKLES]
Only a white man would wake up and go,
"This is an ability?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I feel stuff."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Turning empathy into a power is just peak white man. I love it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I love it. I love it. I love it.
I love it. I love it.
I know I'm a Black woman.
I feel secure in that.
I feel good about that.
But recently I've been in, like, a racial identity crisis.
Like I know I'm Black, but a lot of people don't perceive me as that.
I don't know what it is. It it's the hair, my face, whatever.
But ever since I moved to LA,
it's not enough.
Like someone would ask me, "What are you?"
And I'm like, "Black." And they're like, "No, No, no, no.
"What else?" you know.
I was getting my hair done for a commercial I was in.
And the hairstylist... She was British, by the way.
I'm not just making her British to be mean.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I wasn't just like, "She was so white,
"She's full of crumpets."
- But listen... [LAUGHS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[GRUNTS] "Go back over there where you came from."
That's not what it is. But seriously, she was doing my hair,
and she goes... [IN BRITISH ACCENT] "Oh, your hair
"is such an interesting texture.
"What's your mix?"
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Like I'm a Saint Bernard. Like, what the hell?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"What your mix?"
And I was like, "Black." And she's like, [LAUGHING] "No.
"Surely it's something more interesting than that."
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
I was like, "I think being African American is pretty interesting,
"but I mean, if you must know, I'm Black, I'm from Texas.
"My parents are from Louisiana. I'm basically Beyonce, but broke.
- "Does that help? Like..." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"No, no, no, no. Okay.
"Okay, so your mother is..." And I was like, "Black,"
and she goes, "And your father was not around?"
And I was like, "Uh-uh."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Uh-uh. You beans- and-toast-ass bitch.
"No, you did not just assume I don't have a father.
"For your information,
"my Black mother has been married
"to my Black father for almost 40 years.
"Thank you very much."
- [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] - Thank you. Claps for Black love.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
And my Black father has been an amazing role model
and an an excellent father to three of his five kids.
Thank you very much.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I couldn't help myself. It just came out.
And she felt... You could tell she felt so smug.
"Mmm. That makes sense."
I was so mad. I was so mad.
She was right in the moment.
It is true. I, uh... I, um...
I am three out of five.
My father has children from before he met my mom.
You know, I don't like the word half-siblings.
I think it sounds really mean.
So I just call them the B team, you know what I mean?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It is weird, though. My half-sister,
I always knew about her.
She's 20 years older, so I didn't really have a super close relationship,
but I've always known about her.
My half-brother, I kind of just found out about.
Isn't that fun?
Getting a new character in the 30th season?
- What is that? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But he is super cool. He's a great person. Like, we connected.
He lives in San Francisco. I live in LA.
So whenever I'm in the Bay, I see him.
And I'm just learning about his kids,
and what a great father he is
and the great relationship he has with them.
I found out he has two sons that are the same age as me,
that also grew up in the Dallas area.
Isn't that great?
Isn't it crazy that he didn't know about them
when I was on Tinder?
- You know what I mean? Like I just... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
There was... Listen, don't worry, okay?
I'm gonna go ahead, and spoiler,
- I did not fuck my nephews, but... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...there was a half a second when he was telling me about them,
I was like, "You got pictures?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Just sayin'. My dad has two children,
adult children, that are the same age
that have different mothers, all right?
He was sticking and moving in the '70s.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And obviously, it's genetic.
You know what I mean? So was like, "Let me find out!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Sticking and moving, sticking and moving.
That's just a fun way to say, "Fucking."
Uh... [LAUGHS]
I love my dad. I love my dad.
He is a... He's a character.
He's an old Black man from the South.
He overdresses all the time.
Like, he will mow the lawn in a three-piece suit.
He's so serious.
And he has a handlebar mustache.
And every day, he wakes up and puts a little bit of Murray's Pomade.
Only the Black people will understand how funny that is.
He puts a little bit of pomade in both ends of his mustache.
Curls them upward like the Monopoly man.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
Looks in the mirror and says, "That's a man right there."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And then goes on about his business.
He is the tallest 5'7" person you'll ever meet.
- He's just all energy. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I love it. I love it. I love it.
But growing up with older parents was a little weird
because a lot of my friends wouldn't get quite, like, my references
to music and things.
We didn't say the N-word in my house.
My parents witnessed the civil rights movement.
My dad was one of the first children to integrate his classroom.
Okay? The N-word wasn't just some fun word
that was cool to say. We didn't say that at my house.
There was one time, though, that I'll never forget.
My mother got very upset
when me and my little sister were roughhousing,
because my little sister unplugged the TV,
and she got just a little bit electrocuted.
I don't know how to explain it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But for just a second,
she was like, "I'm watching Arthur!
"I don't care what you say!" And then... [MIMICS ELECTRICAL BUZZ] ...down.
- You know what I mean? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And there's a moment that goes through your head
when suddenly, the room smells like fajitas
and your sister's not moving.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I think, had I grown up with more accepting, loving parents,
I would be like, "Mom, I'm scared. I need help."
But my first thought was, "I'm gonna get a whooping."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Maybe I can just roll her body in the carpet."
Like, I was trying to figure out what to do.
And finally, I yelled for my mom,
not knowing that what had happened was...
Is my father woke up that morning,
grabbed his mustache, twirled it, twirled it,
and said, "That's an electrician right there."
- And had redone... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...all the wiring in the house, and had done it incorrectly.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
Yeah, that's why it was nachos al Victoria in the house, okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I didn't know that.
So my mom I was so mad
because she wanted him to hire a real repairman.
But he decided to be cheap,
and my mom ran up the stairs,
and then, in a moment of just pure "Tyler Perry presents chaos,"
stopped in the middle of stairs and said, "Oh, Lord,
"this nigga done electrocuted my baby!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
If you're gonna say it...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...that's the way.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I love a good performance. I love theatrics.
Very theatrical mom. I love her to death.
She's, uh... Her new thing right now
is negotiating with me on the terms of the no grandchildren.
Today she called me and she's like, "I've got an idea.
"Okay, what if there's a way for you to give me a grandchild
"and maintain your independence?"
And I was like, "What do you mean?" She goes,
"I present to you..."
And I was like, "Are we on Shark Tank?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I present to you, having a baby and giving it to me."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm like, "Mama, I can't just give you a baby."
She's like, "You can't just give me... It's no big deal.
"Just give me a baby."
I'm like, "Okay, a couple thoughts.
"First of all, you're old."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
"Not too old to be a grandma. Perfect grandma age.
"Not a good mom age.
How do I explain to, like, my
like, brother-son...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Where I'm like, "Oh, man, it sucks
"that your parents died when you were 20.
"Dude, that sucks.
"I don't know why you look like my husband."
And then I just leave? Like, what do you want me to do?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What do you want me to do? Also,
I'm not going to give you a child
because you raised me.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
I'm your report card and you don't pass.
- I'm sorry. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I know what you guys are thinking. "But she looks so put together.
"This jacket is fabulous." It is, right?
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
I'm on a lot of Wellbutrin, okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm on a very high cocktail
that tells me, as long as there's not
a single wrinkle in sight,
no one will have a heart attack in the crowd.
- You know what I mean? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Is that a normal course of thought?
No, but that's what my brain says.
My brain has been a dangerous place for a long time.
It really has. When I was 16, I was actually hospitalized.
I had a psychotic break.
Um, at the time,
we thought I was, like, possessed.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like, I, for real, got baptized,
to, like, pray away all of the stressors,
and it just didn't go away.
So they did what they had to do.
They put me in a mental hospital,
and I know when I tell people this, they get sad.
You know, it's a very dark thing to say,
but I got the help I needed.
Also, I was in a mental hospital in North Texas.
It was kind of hilarious.
- Let me let me explain. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Let me let me explain. I love being a Texan.
I'm a Texan till I die, okay?
I am a... I am like, half-armadillo, okay?
- I love being from Texas. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But we're kind of ridiculous, okay?
Like, I was taught Black history from a white football coach...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...who would have gone pro if he didn't tear his ACL.
You know, it was just...
Like, my version of Black history in that school
was Martin Luther King, great man.
We don't know how he died.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Rosa Parks, good at sitting.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"But the single most important moment of the civil rights movement
"is Remember the Titans. Get your pencils out." Okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I thought Denzel was supposed to be on the money.
I was like, "He did it for us."
He saved Ryan Gosling.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Okay? You guys, I feel like I'm in the room with enough Texans
who can admit our education is subpar, okay?
I don't know about y'all, but in Arlington,
we would do about 12 years of Texas history.
Just everything you ever didn't think
you needed to know about Texas.
So much so, it starts to all bleed together.
Like, I forgot we lost The Alamo.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was like, "Then why am I supposed to remember this?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Also, sidebar, sidebar.
I found this out when I was researching because I literally looked...
At, like, four o'clock in the morning, I was, like, "Did we win The Alamo?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Did you know our secret weapon was supposed to be Davy Crockett?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Who was, like, 69
in the 1800s.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I might be off on the age, but I can tell you this.
He was over 50 in the 1800s,
which is like 100 today.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Why would you think that's your secret weapon?
Like, can you imagine if the Lakers were like,
"And our secret weapon, current Charles Barkley!"
- Like, why would they do that? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So there's a lot of things I didn't learn.
A lot of things I need to, like, repack and learn.
But where we lack in knowledge,
we just kind of fill in with religion sometimes,
which can be very interesting.
I was in a... Like I said, I was in a mental hospital
that was supposed to be a facility
for teens to get better.
And so there was a mixture of kids
who were depressed, or anxious, or bipolar,
dealing with different issues,
and then kids who were just a little bit mouthy.
[LAUGHING] Like, I was just...
There were just certain parents
who would just stick their kid in there
if they didn't like the way they talked to 'em.
So we'd sit in a circle and we'd talk about
what we were gonna do when we got out.
And there'd be kids who were cutters
who'd be like, "Finish the job."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And then there'd be kids who were just a little slutty.
They'd be like, "Finish the hand job."
- It was crazy, okay? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We didn't need to all be in there together.
It was a crazy time.
I don't really think I learned anything,
except, like...
I don't know how to cry quietly, right?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And how to slide in grippy socks.
It really is very fun, okay? [LAUGHS]
Every time I go to Pilates, I'm like, "Back in the saddle."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It was a crazy experience being there, though,
and I've been opening up about it
because I used to be so ashamed.
I was like, "That's the worst thing about me.
"That's the most terrible thing.
"Oh, my gosh, you had to be hospitalized?"
But then I think about it, I'm like, "My parents had money
- "to put me in a hospital?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was thinking about it all, though,
and one thing I remember,
is I had this friend there.
Like, I made friends with someone else there,
and she was so funny and so smart,
and she made up a song about being in there.
It was like... [SINGING]♪ We're all insane here at Millwood
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
♪ We might be crazy, but we feel good
♪ Here at Millwood
♪ Yeah, here in Millwood ♪
That was the song.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We would sing it every day while looking out the window
at the Dairy Queen, thinking about what we were gonna eat.
That was what we'd do.
And I've been thinking about this, because I'm like,
"I wanna put this story in a special."
I think it's interesting,
and I think people need to feel a little less alone
if they've been through these things,
and know that they're not alone.
They're not broken, they're not unlovable,
and someone's out there.
And I was like, "If I include this song,
"I have to give the girl credit."
So I was like, "Let me just see if I can find her." [CHUCKLES]
You know you can't call your mental hospital?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You can't just call a mental hospital
and like, ask for the names
and addresses of minors that were there.
They don't let you do that.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You can't be like, "Black girl-comma-nice."
- Nobody does that. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Can't do that.
And if you start singing, they offer to pick you up.
- Don't do it. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I am still determined, though.
I am just, like, still determined
that eventually, I'll get her credit for this.
I was telling my husband, I was like, "How do I find her?"
He was like, "Babe, didn't you say you were on
"a lot of drugs when you were in there?" I was like, "Yeah."
He was like, "I mean, are you sure she was real?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Thanks for being so logical, okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Oh, now you wanna think things through?
Okay, now you've got some fears.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, maybe I Fight Club-ed the whole bitch.
Maybe I did that!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I just made up my own little Tyler Durden.
Maybe. Okay?
But maybe she's out there,
and if I do this special, and I keep singing the song,
eventually, a figure in the crowd
will just stand up,
and I'll see her.
And we'll see each other,
and we'll start... [SINGING]♪ We're all insane here at Millwood
- [STOMPS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
♪ We might be... ♪
It'll be like The Color Purple. We'll do a little hand clap.
♪ But we feel good
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
♪ Here at Milwood
♪ Yeah Here at Milwood ♪
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Every day I fight for my Color Purple moment.
It's not happened. [LAUGHS]
- Maybe she'll just sue me. I don't know. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I miss it here. You know, everyone's nicer.
I'm hotter here. There's that.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
It is illegal to be over 30 in LA, though.
You can't mention it.
If you say your age, people just, like,
jump out and throw you in a van.
They're like, "Stop talking."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Stop. Did you just call yourself 35?"
"You're supposed to say you have an age range of 25-35."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like, it's such a betrayal
of the social order to embrace your age.
I was at the grocery store, and a clerk was trying to get my attention,
and he said, "Ma'am," and I think he isn't supposed to.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I looked up at him, and he goes... [GASPS] "Oh, I'm so sorry.
"Young ma'am. Young ma'am. You're a very young ma'am."
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - "You're super-baby-ma'am."
- And I was like, "Oh, no." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"You don't have to do that. You don't.
"You don't have to do that."
And I was like, "It's okay. You can call me ma'am. It's fine."
But then I thought about it, and I was like,
I kinda like "Young ma'am."
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
Like, it sounds like a good rap name, right?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
♪ Young Ma'am on the track
♪ I got pain in my back ♪
- There's something to it. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
♪ You know I used to hit the Dougie
♪ Now fall asleep at 8:00 in my Snuggie♪
- There's something... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm just saying, should I be a 35-year-old rapper?
Maybe.
I have all the time in the world.
I'm not having kids. What am I gonna do? [LAUGHS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We're back to the no-kids thing.
We're actually getting my husband a vasectomy very soon.
- I'm excited about this. - [AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
Thank you. I am gonna make it an affair.
I'm gonna make it so special for him.
He's gonna feel so loved and celebrate...
I'm gonna throw him a no-baby shower.
- I'm so excited. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And then there's gonna be a very special gift.
I've decided on it.
Butt stuff, okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Now I know, logistically, we could've already been doing butt stuff,
but let me...
You know what I mean? I'm from North Texas.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was saving something.
- Okay? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was saving it for when he was gonna be ready to leave me.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I knew one day he was gonna look at our credit card statements
and just be like, "I've had enough of your shit."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I've had enough. You spend too much money.
"You make fun of me too much.
"I've had enough of you." And I was just gonna be like,
But wait! You know what I mean? Just like...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
♪ Turn around
♪ Bright eyes ♪
That's why I wore the weird underwear, yes.
I've gotten into Pilates recently.
- Anybody? - [AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
Yeah, it's fun.
I thought it was just a rich lady hobby,
but I was like, "I kinda love this.
"It's super fun."
I spent years thinking that I shouldn't be exercising
because the whole point of exercising is to lose weight.
And I don't care about the patriarchal standards of losing weight.
I don't give a damn anymore, but...
- [WOMAN WHOOPS] - Thank you.
But but then I realized exercise makes you feel good.
And when you feel good, you live longer.
And when you live longer, you outlive your enemies,
- and that... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That is a motive. But you know what I mean?
I got to find those Reddit bitches
- and plank on their graves. I gotta do it. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I do it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I gotta do it for all of us. I do.
I do. I'm trying to diet a little bit.
Not like real diet.
I just try to eat healthier and make a better decisions.
God, isn't it annoying?
Like, after a certain age,
all you think about is when you're gonna poop again.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don't know when that starts.
Just one day, you are a productive member of society,
and the next thing, you're like, "Do I have my dairy pills?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Every day it's a little bit of something.
I guess that's just part of being diet-old.
Just a part of it. [LAUGHS]
If you're a millennial, I hate to break it to you,
you are diet-old, okay?
- [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] - Not full old.
Not old-classic, okay?
But you're not a young person, and that's okay.
I'm so tired of people my age who can't embrace their age.
The ones who get super mad when gen Z makes...
Why wouldn't they make fun of us?
Okay? We're annoying.
We have, like, Hogwarts Houses. We're irritating.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
If you guys are on TikTok,
watch people in their 30s on their TikTok.
We're pathetic. We're just...
The way we will hold a camera this close to our face,
and be like, "Okay, Addison, Madison,
"you guys are always making fun of us
"for our hair and our clothes.
"But you know what? You don't know your history.
"You don't know your millennial history."
And the history in question is the Soulja Boy,Crank That dance.
- I'm so tired of us. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We are so embarrassing.
Gen Z is embarrassing, too, though.
Like... [LAUGHS] I love the way they, like,
rep their medications like they're gangs.
- I love it. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'll mention that I'm mentally ill,
and someone in the crowd will just be like, "Lexapro gang!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
They just shout out milligrams. I love it.
They're just so funny because they make fun of millennials for being old.
And then, like, get scammed on the Internet
just like boomers.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm just saying, if we are diet-old, they're old zero.
- They're right behind us. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
They're not gonna be young long.
Time is fleeting, and obsessing about youth is a waste of energy
because you're just gonna lose it.
I hate obsessing about my appearance
Like, I want to look good,
but there's constantly new things
that are being sold to me to make me look better.
Does it ever feel like it's never going to end?
Like, why is Oprah on Ozempic?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Hear me... I'm not saying that it's bad,
but, like, if I had Oprah money,
I would not give a fuck about being skinny.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I mean, like, Oprah doesn't have our problems.
Like, she doesn't have to worry about, like,
sitting in an airplane seat or getting into a club in Miami.
She doesn't have to think about any of that.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That she can just buy Miami. What do you need...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What do you need to be hot for? Okay?
Have you ever heard someone say, "You know, Bill Gates could stand
- "to be a little taller." Like, we don't do that. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Only women billionaires have to keep being hot.
It's disgusting.
"I can't wait to just not care about being hot anymore."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She said, while looking very, very hot.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] - Thank you. In my opinion.
[LAUGHING] I don't know. I don't know.
I was supposed to get my hair done at a salon today.
And then I found a review where someone posted a picture
of a burn mark on their neck.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I still thought about going. That...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's being a woman, being like, "Mmm..."
I mean, how many third-degree burns do you get?
- You know, just... [LAUGHS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
God, there's always something.
There's always some horrible side effect to things.
I've had friends who've had, like, all different types of plastic surgery.
And I'm not even judging,
'cause who knows what I'll decide to get?
I don't know.
I don't... Others...
Look, for the right amount of money,
you could convince me to do anything.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
Like, when I get...
I am putting my stomach on my booty cheeks.
- I'm doing it... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...and you can't stop me.
I've looked into Brazilian butt lifts, and they look enticing.
The only thing is, I do think there's a certain amount of butt
that's, like, alarming.
Like, I was at the Atlanta airport,
and there's just like, I don't know...
I just saw a booty that was so big,
that I was like, "Before 6:00 a.m.?"
- You know? Just... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Isn't it a little early for that?
- Like, just like... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
There's just certain things that just kinda throw me off a little bit.
[SIGHS] Man.
I was talking earlier about racial identity.
Sometimes I get in trouble with people
for bringing these things up.
I was telling... I was doing a college show,
and I talked about race at the college show, as I do.
I mean, hell, half the time when I do a college show,
they bring me on as part of their Black history enrichment program.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Which is like... I don't think Martin Luther King's dream
- was about my booty hole. You know? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I have to warn them. Like, I'm...
I'm not about to make Sir George Who proud.
- You know, I'm just doing my thing. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I was talking about race,
and I was talking about race as a concept.
And one time, I was doing a Zoom show,
and this guy lost his mind.
Like, midway through the show, he was just like,
"Stop it! Stop it right now.
"I'm tired of you bringing up race.
"That's the real racism.
"It's people like you who talk about race.
"That's the real racism."
And I was like, "Yeah, because the Klan talks a lot," you know...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Mmm, they be talking!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He got so mad.
But they actually shut down his computer,
or, like closed him out of the Zoom, and he was gone.
Or so I thought.
Then this man sent me a bunch of Instagram messages.
Like, piles of messages.
My favorite was, "I only tuned in because I thought you were hot.
"You're actually just average."
- Okay. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You didn't say ugly, though.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Couldn't even fix your mouth to say "Ugly."
He was like, "I was very disappointed
"that you're just another one of those comedians that brings up race.
"I thought it was cool that you have a white husband,
"but all you do is make fun of him."
And I'm like, "Of course I do."
Making fun of your husband is your birthright.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Okay?
That's just... Mine happens to be white,
and I also can't find the ketchup.
- You know, I just have more layers. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I just have more layers.
He's keep going, he's all mad at me.
He's telling me how I'm bringing up
all the problems, and that's the issue.
And so I recommended he reads a book
about white fragility to calm down.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That did not calm him down.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That did not calm him down.
I just... He is crazy.
The thing that made him mad was a joke about sunburns.
All I said is I just don't understand
how they're the master race if they're flammable.
- And that just... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And he just kept saying, "Why would you bring that up?
"Why would you say that?"
And then I looked at his profile picture,
and I screenshotted it and he was sunburnt.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I said, "Is this why you're upset?"
And I sent him a link to an SPF 100, and I haven't heard back.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - But I'm scared of North Carolina.
I really am. Like, this guy was mad at me.
I don't know. Like I was talking about,
I am proud to be African American.
I think our history, our legacy, is a beautiful thing.
I've been reading into it more and more,
and all the things we've accomplished
as a people is so beautiful.
Like, there's an expression we use in the Black community
that I really love. It goes,
"I am my ancestors' wildest dreams."
When I think about that, I'm like, "Yes,
"I am my ancestors' wildest stress dream.
- "Yes, I am." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I bet you, my great-great-great-grandmother
was waking up in the middle of the night like... [GASPS]
"Jebediah."
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
"Wake up, Jebediah, I had the dream."
And he'll say, "What is it, Beula? What'd you see?"
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
"I saw my great-great granddaughter.
"She was on stage, talking.
"She's beautiful."
"Is she happy?" "No."
- But... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Beula, that don't make no sense.
"What do you mean she's not happy?
"Is she free?" "Technically."
- But... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"That don't make no damn sense.
"What's wrong with her? How is she not happy if she's free?"
"Well, she gets on stage and she talks,
"and then, you know, she has this life and these cars,
"and she does stuff and she's so busy, but she's not..."
"Well, what's wrong with her, Beula?"
"She has something called anxiety. I don't know what it is!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"It sounds French. Good for her. Go to bed."
- You know that's... [LAUGHS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I know they're proud of me, y'all.
I hope you're proud of me, too.
Thank you so much for being here tonight.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]