The following programme contains strong language.
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(FOYER CHATTER)
(BELL RINGS)
MC: Please welcome to the stage John Kearns!
(CHEERING)
Thank you very much, very kind.
Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you very much.
(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC)
Thank you, London!
(CHEERING)
And the surrounding areas.
Can't all live in London.
(LAUGHTER)
The, er, the problem with, er...
..going on a show like, er, Taskmaster
is that ticket sales go up, but the laughs, they go down.
(LAUGHTER)
This will be a long hour for some of you.
(LAUGHTER)
I've been on tour. Learnt a few things.
(LAUGHTER)
It's the 16-year-olds I've hated disappointing.
(LAUGHTER)
They're looking at the name on the ticket, looking up at the stage.
They're going, "Who's that?" (CHUCKLES)
That's life in a way. (LAUGHTER)
I basically felt how I imagine Neil Diamond feels
if he were to perform to an audience
that exclusively knew Sweet Caroline.
He's grateful for the hit, he'll do it every time!
But he's thinking, "Fuck me, there's more to me than this.
That was album four. Where were you back in the day?!"
That's Neil talking, that ain't me, that's Neil. (LAUGHTER)
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
How many times you seen the Rolling Stones, fella?
MAN: None. You've never seen 'em?
This the first time you've seen me? Yeah.I'll take those numbers.
(LAUGHTER)
Must be doing summin' right.
(LAUGHTER)
Nah, you do a bit of telly...
I've been doing this on stages for a decade now.
Telly! That's where it's at!
I told my agent, "You're only hot for a year.
Get me on the shows. Antiques Roadshow, I'll do that.
Fuck knows what I'm doing, but get me on it!"
The One Show! Come on.
Anyone can host that.
It's like jury service.
(LAUGHTER)
Jermaine Jenas - he hosts The One Show.
He used to play for Tottenham,
now he hosts The One Show! (CHUCKLES)
I'm not saying that's easy to do.
Harder the other way around, I will give you that.
(LAUGHTER)
"There's Gyles Brandreth in goal."
Fair play, Gyles. (LAUGHTER)
Never saw that coming.
I was watching The One Show. Jermaine, he's sat there.
He, er, he goes, "Right, tortoise's birthday today.
He was born in 1834. Let's go and meet him."
I'm thinking, "Yeah, I'm not doing anything else, Jermaine. Sure."
Cuts to him wandering around... I don't know where he lives.
Cuts back to the studio - Jermaine, shaking his head.
He goes, "Wow!
Imagine what that tortoise has seen."
(CACKLES)
I'm like, "Jermaine, with respect, he's seen fuck all, yeah?"
(LAUGHTER)
Well, in Jermaine's head, invention of electricity,
there he is, guest of honour, switching it on. (LAUGHTER)
Queen Victoria's funeral, crying his eyes out.
"Leave him, leave him!"
World War One, in his shell.
World War Two, back in his shell. That pisses him off.
Assassination of JFK - he's on the grassy knoll!
He's eating his lunch. He missed it, he missed it!
"Imagine what he's seen." He's seen fuck all, Jermaine, with respect.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, what have I done? You know, you've paid your money.
"Who are you, boy?"
(SIGHS)
What have I done?
Sunday Brunch - I've been on that.
Yeah.
Channel 4.
Get interviewed - live!
Sunday morning, ooh.
You're vulnerable, Sunday morning.
(LAUGHTER)
Lovejoy, he can smell it on ya.
(LAUGHTER)
You stay seated, he stands up.
Napoleon did that.
(LAUGHTER)
He looks at me, he goes, "Er, John, you got any hobbies?"
Then he looks at the camera, he went, "Never asked anyone that before."
What the fuck's happening here? (LAUGHTER)
I'm not six, I'm trying to break through. What are you doing?
What are you doing, man?!
We're not stuck in a lift. This is live telly!
(LAUGHTER) I'm trying to break through!
Rylan, he's sat next to me. He ain't helping me out.
Wow. Have you got any hobbies?
Worst question you can ask anyone over the age of ten.
And he's doing it to me live on Channel 4!
(CHUCKLES) (LAUGHTER)
Ah...
Fucking hell, I should've been honest.
Why wasn't I honest? That's how you've gotta live your life.
"Yeah, er, I like looking at art, Lovejoy."
(CACKLES) He'd have shat his pants at that!
"I like looking at art.
I once travelled 350 miles to look at a painting
cos I heard that it had the best tummy in art
and the more you looked at it, the more dogs you saw.
You want to talk about that?" (LAUGHTER)
The painting's in Edinburgh, I live in London.
I got the train up there, painting's on loan, back in London.
That hurt, that hurt. (LAUGHTER)
(SIGHS) I like looking at art, Lovejoy.
You go on tour all round the country.
The Premier Inn don't open till three.
(LAUGHTER)
Go to a little art gallery, you know.
Some of them close for lunch.
I put my foot in the door,
"Five minutes, that's all I need." (LAUGHTER)
I run around the rooms. People don't like it. Wow.
You wanna scare people? Walk fast through an art gallery.
People shit themselves. Where the fuck is he going? (LAUGHTER)
There's ten Rembrandts in here! He don't give a shit!
(LAUGHTER)
If you're ever in, er, Trafalgar Square...
Five minutes. That's all you need.
Run up the steps to the National Gallery.
When you're in there, ignore the arrows.
Immediately turn right into Room 43.
That's where Van Gogh's Sunflowers is.
You can say you saw that.
(LAUGHTER)
You're all picturing them right now.
(LAUGHTER)
Got to presume most of you ain't stood in front of the thing.
(LAUGHTER)
But you're all picturing it.
Don't matter where I am in the country,
you say that painting, there it is.
I reconsider them all the time.
Whenever I can,
I get in front of it,
take it in.
(LAUGHTER)
It's a vase of sunflowers.
(LAUGHTER)
Priceless, this thing. I can't afford it.
(LAUGHTER)
Smaller than you remember.
Darker too. Ah, yeah.
Never have it to myself. Always a big group of people stood around.
Taking selfies. They want to be seen with this thing.
Bestselling postcard in the shop.
The tiles have faded in front of it...
from where, over the years, people have stood and looked, you know.
Three million people walk past that thing and stop every year.
Thatcher, when she visited the gallery,
only once as Prime Minister,
asked if she could specifically see the chrysantheums.
And, honestly, the more I read about this woman, you know...
(LAUGHTER)
They're sunflowers, Margaret. (LAUGHTER)
They're sunflowers, Margaret!
(LAUGHTER)
But my favourite Van Gogh, if you're asking me...
(CHUCKLES)
Come on, funny man.
"We can all stand up there talk about the Sunflowers.
What's your favourite?" Fucking hell.
(LAUGHTER)
(GASPS) Starry Night, that's not pissing about.
(LAUGHTER)
He painted that from the window of his asylum
and now you can buy it in Lego. What a world!
(LAUGHTER)
You might not be able to picture that one. I don't know what you're into.
Imagine it was up here.
Cypress tree there,
church spire there.
and they're twisting up into a starry night.
And there's hope in a starry night.
I'm not talking about the ones that you get here.
You've got to go out to the sticks, stay with your rich mates -
or your really poor mates, to be fair. (LAUGHTER)
I'm talking about a proper starry night!
I'm talking dandruff on a seatbelt.
Proper, you know? (LAUGHTER)
And you've got that watery star, the moon.
She'll be out there later on, asking how the gig went.
Be kind, be kind to me now.
(LAUGHTER)
Always wanted to visit the moon,
but it's...it's no place to bring up a kid, is it?
(LAUGHTER)
I have a son. An heir.
(CACKLES)
Heavy is the head that wears the crown, son.
(LAUGHTER)
If I was, er, like, playing the Palladium or something,
and I could make the finances work,
that'd be on, like, remote control,
and it'd drive off, you know?
(LAUGHTER)
Maybe it's funnier to explain, I dunno. (LAUGHTER)
I don't know.
My son, he, er...
Yeah, he's gonna have a few questions, I'm sure.
(LAUGHTER)
Um, if it's a question you can answer,
obviously it might not be for obvious reasons,
but, um, what does your dad do or what did he do?
WOMAN: Uh, worked for the council.
Works for the council? Yeah.Yeah?
Imagine if your dad wore that.
(LAUGHTER)
Bought that in 2011. Been a professional comedian since 2013.
If you're not enjoying this, be grateful you weren't there for those two years.
(LAUGHTER)
Imagine watching someone work this out.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, that.
Always, er, had that on my bonce.
That.
Sometimes people are baffled, you know. "What?"
"Surely you've got a drawer of them or something" - you know?
"Why haven't you had one specially made?"
And then they try and get in your head. They're like, "Oh, right.
Is that a special one, is it? It's magic, is it?"
(LAUGHTER)
"Yeah."
"You worried that if you replace it, that's you, what, giving in?
That's your identity now, is it?
So, you're leaving it to fate. You've never lost it? All that travelling."
(LAUGHTER) "You ain't never lost it?
You've had that on your head every gig for the past decade
and you've never lost it. What would you do if you lost it?"
I'll just buy another one. Simple as that. (LAUGHTER)
People overthink this stuff. (LAUGHTER)
My son's one. Imagine being one.
That ain't right.
(LAUGHTER)
Two, three - yeah, you can picture that.
One - that's a weird headspace.
People told me when I had a kid,
"Shove 'em in front of the washing machine,
they'll watch that for hours."
Not me. I put my son in front of the dishwasher,
get his imagination going, you know?
(LAUGHTER)
Can't be handed everything in life, pal.
Sounds fun in there, don't it? Sounds fun!
(LAUGHTER)
He watches me shower.
Pisses himself laughing.
Hardest he laughs is when he's watching me shower.
I look at him like, "I don't know what you're laughing about, boy.
This will be you one day. Take notes!"
(LAUGHTER) "Don't shave your back hair. That's just gonna grow.
Sort out your foreskin before you're 25.
And that's the stuff that you can see.
Your appendix, that's going to blow in the night.
Your tonsils are gonna have to be sliced out.
Your thyroid is underactive, overactive.
It's wombling free!"
(LAUGHTER)
I think every bloke should have to watch their father shower
every five years until one of them dies.
(LAUGHTER)
Comes in your phone automatically like a bank holiday, you know.
"Wow, that comes around quick, you know?"
You go around his house, he's left the door on the latch.
He knows what day it is.
(LAUGHTER) You go up the stairs, steam billowing out of the bathroom.
You pull up a little red stool that you've always sat on,
a notebook - every page is an outline of your Dad's body.
And you sit there with a wax crayon and you watch the man wash.
I can picture my dad now, a heroic figure.
72-year-old slack skin over once-powerful muscles.
A noble vision, head bowed,
water cascading down his back, through his crack.
Shampoo, whipped on top of his head.
German, caffeinated, he's got it from Lidl and he loves it!
(LAUGHTER) Oh, if I was a sculptor.
But then again, no!
(LAUGHTER)
I'm not gonna be a sculptor. I'm not gonna be a great painter.
I'm not gonna travel to the moon and make anyone proud.
I'm a 36-year-old stand-up comedian
who wears a cheap monk's wig and false teeth.
I'm a father of one. I ain't got a signature dish
but I can follow a recipe.
I ain't worked out the meaning of life,
but it feels like having a preference for dark chocolate digestives
on a Sunday afternoon, but that's about it.
(LAUGHTER)
"Watch the man wash."
(LAUGHTER)
Imagine the mood I was in when I wrote that.
(LAUGHTER)
Paul McCartney woke from a dream,
ran to the piano, composed Yesterday.
I sat in a Costa,
tried to avoid eye contact with my ex-personal trainer
and that material just tumbled out of me.
(LAUGHTER)
George, he spots me,
and he marches over.
Five foot three. Cypriot. Gemini.
(LAUGHTER)
I quickly shut my notebook. I can see it.
Some of you think it odd, me stood here,
talking about my dad's slack skin.
Trust me, it's worse seeing it written down, it is. (LAUGHTER)
He asks me what I'm reading. I'm not reading, George.
He goes, "Yeah, I've given that up."
He says he threw his Kindle in the bin
because ants were crawling in it and buying books.
I don't know what to say to that. (LAUGHTER)
Someone says that to you at work, you just keep the conversation moving.
"I've heard they do that. Anyway, I've gotta be going. Bye!"
(LAUGHTER)
Ain't seen George for a while.
I relinquished him of his duties sometime back.
He was turning 50
and he wanted to set up his own gym, be his own boss.
I asked him how it was going. Never happened.
Said he got scared, lost confidence.
His words.
Got caught in the headlights of his own life.
Those are mine. (LAUGHTER)
Told him, "Yeah, I've been like that."
We've all been there, don't matter what age you are.
If you ever feel like you need a bit of oomph,
you need a kick up the arse, go into your kitchen.
Grab a tea towel, whip it over your shoulder.
You feel better then. You do.
(LAUGHTER) People respect you more.
You start doing jobs you didn't think you were capable of.
You can get into Buckingham Palace with a tea towel over your shoulder.
"I don't need to see your pass, you're busy. Come on in!"
(LAUGHTER)
I left George to think about that for a bit, you know?
Scared. I'm scared, right now.
Not of you lot.
There was a time I thought maybe I wasn't going to be a dad.
Then I did become one. And I'm scared, every day.
Confidence - paper thin, that.
(LAUGHTER)
You know, I'm lucky.
I stand behind curtains and doors all round the country.
More people have come out to see me,
but there's more water in the Ribena, Mother.
(LAUGHTER)
Most people ain't got a clue what they're about to see.
What would you do in that situation, you know?
I've been telling myself that all year. Er, you know, water it down.
Compromise, that's what you do.
Meet people in the middle.
pH-7 it all the way!
No! Fuck it!
Slap it on! Shove em' in!
Lose, depending on the night, 30-70% of the audience.
(LAUGHTER)
You can only do what you can do at that moment, at that time.
So get out there!
I'm stood in front of my house. Picture a nice house.
I live in a nice house, you know. (LAUGHTER)
Slice it into seven. I live in the triangle up there.
(LAUGHTER)
I open the door - not my door, of course, rent that -
run up the stairs, sharp left, up the stairs again, door to the right.
That's my front door. How front doors should be.
(LAUGHTER) I open it...
And my partner leaves, and then I look over at my boy
and he's got fire in his eyes.
He respects her. Me?
I'm fucked. (LAUGHTER)
He knows he's only got a few hours to do what he can do
while she's out and I'm home.
He runs to the recycling,
pulls out a wine bottle,
starts spinning it round his head,
like Heseltine in the Commons.
He knows he's not allowed near the recycling.
But I eat Crunchy Nut and I know I shouldn't eat Crunchy Nut.
The apple don't fall far from the tree!
(LAUGHTER) He's spinning this bottle
and we're circling each other round the kitchen table.
I'm looking at him, like, "I tried my best with you, boy.
Before you came along, I was gonna get into Dickens.
I told people I was gonna get into Dickens.
I ain't been to an art gallery for two years cos of you.
I was just getting back into David Gray.
Do you know how hard it is to get back into David Gray?"
But he's got small wrists. That thing's spinning fast.
He's about to take off, fly out the window.
I've gotta say summin' that will shock him, make him drop it.
"You know the reason why a wine bottle is the size that it is
is because traditionally that used to be the capacity
of a glassblower's lungs."
Silence. (LAUGHTER)
He don't understand a word I've said.
(LAUGHTER)
Nerves of steel, this boy.
He'll take a penalty for England one day.
He won't be in the squad, he'll come down from the stands.
(LAUGHTER)
You're looking at a man who, er, wanted to be a footballer, in truth.
But I remember, I was, er, 11, playing a match.
And er, me and the linesman,
we were er, feeding a cat a custard cream...
(LAUGHTER)
..through the broken window of a locked changing room.
And I remember we looked at each other
and I could tell we were both thinking, "Football ain't for us."
(LAUGHTER)
My son does a 180, bumps down the corridor,
knocking the wine bottle along the radiator
like he's in prison. It ain't that bad here, son!
I know it's small, but it's location, yeah?
(LAUGHTER) He keeps on running. "Well, maybe I'll run off!"
He couldn't care less.
"Maybe I'll be one of those dads that runs off!"
Nothing. "Well, maybe I'll run off, join the circus."
That stops him.
He's heard of the circus.
(LAUGHTER)
Spot the Dog has been to the circus.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll run off, join the circus.
I'll bring that back.
I'll be good.
I'll be on the, er...
..trapeze. That'll be me. (LAUGHTER)
I'll be on the trapeze - leotard, relaxed fit.
Too relaxed, if anything.
(LAUGHTER)
I'll have fun on the site,
wind up the clowns every morning.
You know, it's a shame we can't all be lion tamers, boys.
Have a good one! (LAUGHS)
They're putting on their make-up. "Well, I don't wanna be a lion tamer.
I am being true to myself by being a clown."
You tell yourself that, boys.
The woman who sells er, balloons. I don't talk to her any more.
She gave me advice on crypto.
I don't want... I don't want to talk about it on camera, you know.
(LAUGHTER) (SIGHS HEAVILY)
But me and my partner, we do a routine on the trapeze,
usually to a nice bit of music.
Something classy, yeah? (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
And we're good up there. You should see it.
But at home we argue, cat and dog.
It ain't right. (LAUGHTER)
We get in the car on the way to the tent, slam the doors.
Windows up. Jeremy Vine blaring.
(LAUGHTER) We scream at each other, you know. Get it out.
Park up by the elephants.
Out again, slam.
Hate bubbling in our stomachs,
resentment steaming off us.
We chalk up in absolute silence.
(LAUGHTER) Run up the rope ladders.
She looks across, hoping I fall.
But when we're in the air... (CHUCKLES)
..we're in love! (LAUGHTER)
We work in the air, darling.
I've always said it, the land ain't for us.
We're crap on land!
We work in the air.
We work when it matters.
We work in the air, we float along the moonlit sky.
Everything in life goes back to The Snowman. It always does.
(LAUGHTER)
You can draw a line from anything in life back to The Snowman.
You can - and you will, and you will.
(LAUGHTER)
How old are you, pal?MAN: Uh, 33.
33, so you know The Snowman. Yeah?
Tell 'em, tell 'em.
(LAUGHTER)
No, you'd be amazed how many people don't know what it is, you know?
Er, briefly I mean, do you remember like, the story?
Do you remember how it starts and all that?
No?
(LAUGHTER)
MAN: Just snowman. Snowman.
(LAUGHTER)
Open the book, brother.
(LAUGHTER)
We can all see it's a snowman on the cover.
(LAUGHTER)
What about you, do you remember how it goes?
MAN: I remember it, yeah. Yeah?
He builds a snowman, it comes alive.
Boy builds a snowman, comes alive, yeah.
What, you got somewhere to be or something? (LAUGHTER)
I'm the one who has to keep this tight, not you, pal.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, boy builds a snowman, comes alive.
It's a solid premise!
(LAUGHTER)
Uh, yeah, and then you remember, uh, what they do?
Fly in the air. Fly in the air.
What do you think I'm gonna ask you next?
(LAUGHTER)
Do you remember how it ends, pal?
He melts, don't he? He melts. He does melt.
In er, Leamington Spa,
I asked someone, "What happens at the end of The Snowman?"
They went, "Er, he just goes back to normal, doesn't he?"
(LAUGHTER)
Long drive home that night.
(LAUGHTER)
When we die, do we just go back to normal?
I'll leave that with you. (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, he does melt. Er, Snowman, nominated for an Oscar
the same year that Gandhi won Best Film.
I think about that all the time. (LAUGHTER)
That's a photo opportunity missed.
Get em' in the same room! Snowman, he's got his arm round Gandhi.
Gandhi's shivering. Never met anyone like that before. And vis-a-vis.
(LAUGHTER)
Ah...
Yeah, Raymond Briggs, he drew The Snowman.
And er, that last bit,
the panel when the kid finds his mate, melted.
He's holding the scarf. He's in his dressing gown, his head bowed.
You only see the back of his head.
Raymond Briggs, he said he didn't know how to draw something so sad.
So, you project any sadness that you've got in your heart
onto the back of that kid's head - that's what breaks ya.
That's its power, in its simplicity.
And I spend a lot of time staring at the back of my kid's head, you know?
(LAUGHTER)
Cos when he ain't looking at me, that's when I give him life lessons.
Truths about the universe.
But only when he ain't looking at me.
So, he don't think it's come from Pa.
He thinks it's come from God or a higher being, you know?
"If you can read, you can cook!"
Stuff like that, I don't know.
(LAUGHTER)
Love as much as you can. God knows where it goes when it's gone
but do it as much as you can!
Always look up in life. You might see a blue plaque. It'll make your day!
(LAUGHTER)
Get into aftershave young!
Anyone in my family under the age of ten,
I get 'em perfume, I get 'em aftershave.
And I go, "You won't thank me now. You'll thank me in 30, 40, 50 years."
You'll be at the airport. Your flight's delayed.
No matter, you go to the duty free. Ha!
There's that bottle you ain't seen for years.
You splash it on and whoosh!
You're time travelling 30, 40, 50 years back.
You're high on nostalgia.
Walking around the Toffifee like you're on crystal meth!
(LAUGHTER)
Get into the smellies young!
(LAUGHTER)
You're 33, did you say? Yeah.Yeah.
Er... (SIGHS)
..do you wear aftershave? No.No.
Have you ever worn it? No.No.
(LAUGHTER)
Back to the crease for me.
(LAUGHTER)
I admire someone who comes to the filming of a show
and just goes, "Fuck off, mate." (LAUGHTER)
"You want me to help you out? Not tonight, pal."
(LAUGHTER)
Even if you're edited out, I'm keeping the footage,
getting your email off the box office
and sending it to you on your birthday until you pass.
(LAUGHTER)
Look how easy it can be.
Brother, do you wear aftershave?MAN: Yeah.What do you wear?Hugo Boss.
Hugo Boss. I mean, fucking whack!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
He might be lying. I don't know, they don't know.
The camera don't fucking know.
I can get on with the show!
(LAUGHTER)
I've got two brothers. One of them wears Hugo Boss,
the other wears Paco Rabanne.
Paco Rabanne. He er, he died about a year ago now.
I didn't know that was a guy. Couldn't believe it. (LAUGHTER)
Came up on the phone, "Breaking news: Paco Rabanne's dead."
It's like saying Corn Flakes is dead, what's happening there? (LAUGHTER)
Oh, but it was a guy, it was a guy!
What else is a man? (LAUGHTER)
What else is a man?
Fray Bentos - is that a guy?
I don't know. (LAUGHTER)
Uh...
Yeah.
Appreciate you sharing. What's your name?
Chris. Chris, thank you, pal.
Me, uh, well...
I tell you what, you'll find me at the airport by the Calvin Klein.
I put a bit of CK One on. (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHTER) Oh, it's 2003.
There she is. A little less conversation,
a little more action, please!
Where has the time gone? Time makes fossils of us all.
It always does, you know.
"Invest in a good potato peeler!
You won't regret it!" Advice like that.
I corner him by the boiler.
He's getting tired now, you know. (LAUGHTER)
Arms heavy, Ma's spaghetti, he's nervous.
(LAUGHTER)
He's staring and he drops the bottle, surrender. Why?
It rolls towards me, the Chateauneuf-du-Pape taps my toes.
I think, "What have I done to deserve it?"
And I look at him and he quivers,
his eyes glazed. He's shat his pants.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm giving him life lessons,
truths about the universe,
and he shits himself.
Staring at me. He's got no respect.
He's like a funeral horse.
No respect!
"You can dress me how you like.
You know what I am."
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
I scoop up my boy.
"If you're neck high in shit, all you can do is sing" -
as Samuel Beckett once wrote in a diary.
(LAUGHTER)
Me and my boy, we've got a deal.
He lets me wipe his arse,
and I pay him in marmalade on toast.
I don't know what I'm getting out of that, to be honest.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, honestly, over 50% of this room, most of the people,
haven't, won't wipe a baby's arse.
So let me tell you. I won't patronise either side
but your mind has to drift.
I mean, you can't be in the moment with it! (LAUGHTER)
Your mind has to drift. You've gotta get out of there.
You gotta mind palace it. You gotta drift away.
We've all had it done, thousands of times. It's no-one's first memory.
If you've got a first memory from below the age of six,
fuck off, you've seen a picture, it's lies!
(LAUGHTER)
I found a diary from when I was nine, I don't know what's going on.
I don't know who this guy is. Chess. Swimming. Church on a Sunday.
Lose my catapult once a month.
It's like I'm in The Beano. What's happening here? (LAUGHTER)
That year as a family, er,
we watched telly, Mastermind, my uncle was on it.
Specialist subject: Angels.
He got zero points. (LAUGHTER)
He just sat there going, "Er, is it Gabriel? No? OK."
(LAUGHTER)
"This one's gotta be Gabriel. No? OK."
Like they're in the wrong. "OK." (LAUGHTER)
Nice man. He came to my show at The Fringe.
Nice man.
When er, I was 15 he seemed quite cool to me
cos he won some money on a scratch card.
So, he quit his job, lived his life doing what he wanted to do.
Er, DJ. He was a DJ for a bit.
Got sacked from a venue New Year's Eve.
Did the countdown from three, no-one was ready.
(LAUGHTER)
Didn't know my grandfathers. I had good nans.
My mum's mum - I remember she took me
to see Titanic when I was 11.
And when Kate Winslet got naked, she covered my eyes like that.
My dad's mum, a year later,
took me to see Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.
She fell asleep in the trailers
and I watched that whole thing on the edge of my seat. (LAUGHTER)
And I mean this, I mean this to my bones,
I genuinely believe that those two moments in my life
are the fundamental reasons why you're watching
what you're watching now. (LAUGHTER)
Cos to this day, to this day,
if Titanic's on the box, I'm watching it, yeah?
I can't turn it off if it's on.
It ain't my favourite film.
I'm just saying I can't turn it off if it's on.
Do you have a film like that, pal? You can stay quiet for this one.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you have a favourite film? Jurassic Park.Jurassic Park.
You'd be amazed...
Do you know what - Hugo Boss, Jurassic Park.
I'm painting a picture of who you are and I love it.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
It's funny, you ask someone 18,
"What film can you not turn off if it's on?"
They go, "Why's it on?" OK.
(LAUGHTER)
That's a horrible chat to have. Why, you know, what are you doing?
Just turning it on, hoping for the best? Fuck off!
That generation are mad. They'll watch a film for an hour and then go,
"This ain't for me", turn it off.
My generation - I come home, turn the telly on.
A film I ain't seen's been on for two hours.
I think, "I can fill in the gaps" and I watch it right to the end.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, Jurassic Park.
No-one in here's turning that off.
It's under two hours, it's definitely under three.
Titanic's long.
Titanic - I mean, you're about to go to bed.
You ain't going nowhere, boy! (LAUGHTER)
Oh, that thing is long. That thing's long.
That's like...like when you miss the perforated edge
on the next bin bag long. It's that kind of long. (LAUGHTER)
You're there for days. How long is this thing?
I ain't going back, fuck that!
I can't have missed it. Lies, lies! If it's two, it's two. Fuck it!
Start saying weird shit, "How long is 90 litres? How long is 90 litres?!"
Why are we measuring bin bags in litres? That don't make sense.
"Hello, mate, I'm getting rid of 90 litres of liquid.
Have you got anything for that?" "Haven't you got a sink? Get out of here!"
(LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
People like the bin bag bit. (LAUGHTER)
I don't know, maybe that'll be my garlic bread, my out out.
(LAUGHTER) People rocking up wearing bin bags, fuck me.
You get the you deserve, I suppose.
(LAUGHTER)
Good friends, they come and see my show.
"John, I like the bin bag bit. I like the tea towel. I got that."
They work in the Civil Service, you understand. (LAUGHTER)
"Yeah, I like that bin bag. Why don't you do a show...
Get rid of all that, you don't need all that.
Get rid of it. That holds you back. Get rid of that and just do a show
and it's loads of bits like that bin bag bit."
If I had loads of bits like that, I'd be doing it right now.
(LAUGHTER)
I've only got one of them. I've only got one of them.
I protect it, like the Queen Bee.
I put it right in the middle of the show, you know.
A few nerves at the word 'middle' there.
(LAUGHTER)
"I can't do another half of this.
I can say I've seen him. I can say I've seen him!"
(LAUGHTER)
Good friends - "Get rid of all that, that's holding you back."
From what? Have I Got News for You?
(LAUGHTER)
"Don't need all that."
No, I don't need it, I like it.
(LAUGHTER) That's all it is.
It's an act, it's a turn.
It's an old-fashioned routine. That's all it is.
You know, if you're up playing a theatre or summin', have summin' about ya.
Do summin'.
And you've gotta like it, you might be the only one who does.
So, you've gotta back yourself. You've gotta do what you like.
You've got to do the best that you can do at that moment,
at that time. That's all you can do.
You know, if you go to an open mic
and you see a comedian dying on their arse and you're sat there going,
"Why don't they shake it up? Why don't they do something else?"
They're not sat on the bus home going,
"Why didn't I say the funny things?"
(LAUGHTER)
You do the best that you can do at that moment, at that time.
That's what I like about stand-up. You're seeing me now, tonight.
Comedians, they're compared to musicians.
I don't see that at all. A musician, if they're lucky,
granted can tour off a single, an album
and play bigger and bigger venues
and people wanna hear the same music again and again and again.
But I think comedians are more like chefs.
You start out scrubbing the pans. Then you become a sous chef.
Then you might become a head chef.
Then you might run your own restaurant one day.
But it don't matter what you've achieved in the past.
When those doors open and the punters come in and the critics are sat down,
that souffle has to rise.
Marco Pierre White, first British chef to win three Michelin stars.
But when he won them, he said his career went from attack to defence.
All of a sudden, he said he had to protect his reputation.
And he said there was no creativity in protecting a reputation.
And I swear to God, your mind drifts when you're wiping an arse.
I'm serious. (LAUGHTER)
My son's tired, I put him to sleep.
When he sleeps, that's when I work. That's when I improve myself.
A signature dish. How hard can it be?
I go on the BBC Maestro website.
And there's a 30-video course there from Marco Pierre White.
If Lovejoy asked him if he had any hobbies,
he'd have calmly pulled a bow and arrow from under the table
and murdered him on sight.
(LAUGHTER)
85 quid...
for 30 videos.
BBC.
85 quid? (CHUCKLES)
Your licence is no good here.
(LAUGHTER)
But it's Marco. He taught Ramsay.
I buy it. (LAUGHTER)
And I'm scrolling the videos.
And one catches my eye.
How to boil potatoes.
(LAUGHTER) (CHUCKLES)
The video's seven minutes long.
(CACKLES)
(LAUGHTER)
I press play and there's Marco.
Hat on, apron, ready to work.
And he's peeling the potatoes. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, done that, Marco!
(LAUGHTER) Puts 'em in boiling water.
Yeah, done that, Marco!
Bit of lemon juice in the water to stop 'em discolouring.
Yeah... Well, that's not bad to be fair, pal, but, er... (LAUGHTER)
You can tell me that at a book signing. Your name's long enough.
"A bit of lemon juice in the water, stop 'em going grey. See you later."
(LAUGHTER) This is 85 quid, Marco!
He gets a sharp knife, starts prodding the potatoes.
He goes, "They're about 90% done."
There's five minutes of the video to go. (LAUGHS)
I've been done up like a kipper.
(LAUGHTER)
He gets the pan, pours out all of the water,
and then puts as much water that there was in the pan
but of butter.
Fuck me! (LAUGHTER)
Whoo! That's a lot of butter, Marco!
He starts slapping it in.
He goes, "Don't mess around with butter. It's not a toy.
You know, people tell me that using this much butter is a crime,
but crime isn't vulgar. Vulgarity is a crime.
Who said that? Oscar Wilde."
I'm going to university! (LAUGHTER)
He wraps the pan in clingfilm,
stares at 'em through the window.
He goes, "I can't think of a better way to die than drowning in butter."
(CHUCKLES) We're a long way from BBC One now.
(LAUGHTER) He leaves them to drown for one hour.
I want a GoPro on his head. I want to see where he goes
and who he talks to. (LAUGHTER)
He comes back, slices open the clingfilm, plates them up.
Crystal salt, parsley to cleanse the palate.
And then he goes, "Look, you know, a labourer works with their hands,
a craftsman works with their hands and their mind.
But a true artist works with their hands, their mind and their heart."
Camera pans down. Plate of boiled potatoes.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I've just saved you 85 quid there.
(LAUGHTER) Honest to God. They're worth it, trust...
If I ran a restaurant... (CHUCKLES)
..I'm selling those potatoes proper, I a-
(MELLOW JAZZ) Ooh.
Come on in. (LAUGHTER)
The water's...
free. (LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Newspapers on sticks.
Stained-glass windows.
Classy joint, this.
(LAUGHTER)
Low lights. You gotta have low lights.
Bright lights cuts the appetite in half.
You've got to have low lights. (LAUGHTER)
Booths.
Everyone loves a booth.
There's one right in the middle of the restaurant.
Proper exclusive. It's a full circle.
You can't get in it, you know. (LAUGHTER)
In the toilets, through the speakers...
..John Bercow's autobiography plays.
(LAUGHTER) A bygone time.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
We serve proper crusty bread.
You're gonna be making a mess.
(LAUGHTER)
We've got that written in pink neon like a Tracey Emin.
"You're gonna be making a mess."
(LAUGHTER)
And don't worry about the mess.
The waiters will come round with their crumbers.
Give the table a wet shave.
(LAUGHTER)
High turnover of staff.
They hate wearing the wig. Fair enough, I suppose.
(LAUGHTER)
At the bar, there's a woman there.
Mid-70s, glam.
Looks like we built the place around her.
Snooker-cue chalk on her eyelids.
(LAUGHTER)
Barman knows a little about a lot.
You'd catch him out in three questions.
He only hangs around for two, that guy.
There's no bones in our eclairs.
That's a guarantee.
(LAUGHTER)
Receipts printed on A4,
so you can have a proper look, you know?
"How much?" (LAUGHTER)
My partner works front of house.
She's nice. People love her.
My son, he, er...
Well, you know, he'll just watch us work.
There's dignity in work.
I'm like, er... You know in the movies when a boxer retires...
..they buy a restaurant and then they go around the tables telling stories.
That's what I do, you know.
But I tell my stories.
"I once died on my arse in Sheffield."
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
"Who's that?" (LAUGHTER)
In your own gaff.
And then, I don't know, get to 80, the place is going under.
Hand over the keys to the boy.
And he does it up. Mod cons. You'd like it.
(LAUGHTER)
We still turn up every Friday night.
Sit right at the back like we're the Krays or something.
(LAUGHTER) Nurse a drink
under a ceiling studded with staples
that have held up balloons and banners from parties gone by and...
..I'll sit proud...
..watching my boy. You should see him.
He moves like a ballerina, you know? And I just watch my boy.
Follow him around the room like the sunflower follows the sun.
(MUSIC FADES)
But he's awake! What was that? (LAUGHTER)
Five minutes, that'll do. Pick him up. Wow.
He's moving fast. He's squirmed off, you know.
When they rest, they recharge.
No-one told me that, you know. (LAUGHTER)
He's stood at the window... on his tiptoes
and he can just about see out to the garden, you know.
We live in the first-floor flat.
We don't have access to that garden, boy! (LAUGHTER)
We look down at people with gardens.
Toddler and a garden, that's happy though.
One day, son. I'll have it all for you when you can remember it.
It'll be wasted on you now, you know. (LAUGHTER)
Working on it - our own front door, a garden.
Just give me a couple of years.
Flowers you want, is it?
Well, if we're quick.
I get his shoes on. I get my shoes on.
Run down the stairs, shove him in the pram.
Run and get the bus, get the Tube.
Run across Trafalgar Square.
Get him up those steps. (LAUGHTER)
Barge through security, ignore the arrows.
Immediately turn right into Room 43.
I park him up in front of that painting. "There you go, boy!
Best flowers Daddy can get you for now!
Oh, they're priceless, these things.
Best flowers in the world, allegedly."
I'm looking at the back of his head look at this painting.
(LAUGHTER)
I ain't seen 'em for a while.
Bigger, brighter than I remember.
You're all picturing them right now. Well, there's 15.
Add a few more.
And they're not all in full bloom.
One of 'em's fucked. (LAUGHTER)
Oh, there's an old guy. He's droopy, dropping his seed.
That's life.
Yeah. They're nice.
Sunflowers - they represent devotion, gratitude.
You give someone sunflowers, you're saying thank you, I love you.
He's quiet.
Don't matter how old you are, people stop and look at this thing.
It's got a power to it.
I think, "Right, let's get him in the shop.
Get him something with it on" -
so I can whip it out if he's ever kicking off, you know?
An espresso set? Are you mad?! No way!
(LAUGHTER)
Passport holder. Where's he going? No!
(LAUGHTER)
A tea towel. Well now, that'll do. (LAUGHTER)
£8.95. Egyptian cotton. I know a bargain when I see one.
I take it to the till, "Do you need a bag?"
"You ain't got a clue who I am, do ya?" (LAUGHTER)
Can't be walking around Central London
with a tea towel in a plastic bag.
Get it on your shoulder, have some dignity!
Look like you've got somewhere to be!
(LAUGHTER)
You all know the story of Vincent.
You learn about him in school.
You learn about him when you're young.
Nine hundred paintings.
He sold one.
(CHUCKLES)
Surely he had a mate or something?
(LAUGHTER)
Rocks up, looks at these, I dunno, three, four hundred and goes,
"Vince, brother, shake it up a bit, pal.
Do something else." But he did all he could do and that was it.
That's all he could do.
And I don't know what's going on in your lives with your kids
or if you can't have kids
or your careers or your partner or your housing or your money.
But if you're trying your best, then what more can you do?
As I'm leaving the gallery,
there's like a round table of like, you know, weird books.
The kind of weird books you get in an art gallery.
This ain't no normal book shop, you know. This is weird.
The Beer Mat Collection of Iris Murdoch.
Fuck's happening? (LAUGHTER)
Thrust: A Spasmodic Pictorial History of the Codpiece in Art.
Hundred quid, wrapped in clingfilm.
Take my money!
(LAUGHTER)
But there was one that caught my eye,
The History of the Handshake.
Had to have it. (LAUGHTER)
85 pages long.
You think I can spread it thin? My, my.
(LAUGHTER)
I go to the back, I'm like, "Who wrote this?"
And a doctor, no less.
She went to my university.
The University of East Anglia.
And I thought, "(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense."
(LAUGHTER)
No, no, cos that place, that place pumps out success.
But my God, it is niche. It is niche!
(LAUGHTER)
Chris, have you, er, have you got the time?
Eight. (CHUCKLES) That will do.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
There we go. An hour of, er...
Well, not for me to say, of course.
(LAUGHTER)
It's been a special night.
I'd like to thank you for coming out and, er, all the best.
Thank you very much.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(CLOSING MUSIC)
Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky