Downloaded from YTS.MX
- [cane thuds] - [faint audience chatter]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[cane thuds]
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
start clapping your hands and make a lotta noise...
[crowd cheers]
[male announcer] ...for Keith Robinson!
[crowd cheering, clapping]
Oh, shit!
[cheering continues]
Goddamn!
- Good night! - [audience laughs]
That was a long-ass walk!
[audience laughs]
[Keith laughs]
Oh, I had two strokes, man. Two!
Yeah. One more, I'm gonna be Mitch McConnell.
[audience laughing]
- Staring all... [laughs] - [audience laughs]
I gotta admit, man,
the first stroke
wasn't shit.
[audience laughs]
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
"You call this a stroke?"
[audience laughs]
Now, the second stroke, oh, shit!
[audience laughs]
"Now this is a stroke."
[audience laughing]
Mwah!
[audience laughing, clapping]
Huh?
That's what I call "different strokes."
[audience laughs]
I should be kicked off the stage for that shit.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
There's a lot of different strokes, there really are, man.
This woman was on Investigation Discovery.
Right? She had a stroke.
And became a psychotic killer.
I'm like, "Oh, fuck."
[audience laughs]
"I gotta worry about that now?"
I'm walking down the street, "Oh, shit."
"Oh, shit!"
"Am I gonna murder?"
[audience laughs]
I couldn't kill a bunny rabbit, what the fuck am I talking about, man?
But everybody... every audience I go to
people know somebody who had a stroke.
Right?
But they think they become stroke experts.
'Cause they tell me, "Come here, man."
Like they selling me drugs or some shit.
[audience laughing]
"My Uncle Bill had a stroke."
"He took four cups of green tea
with a tablespoon of Seemox."
[audience laughs]
"After six months,
no more stroke."
[audience laughs]
You gonna get the fuck out of my face, man.
[chuckles]
I mean, I did it, I followed--
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
It is a pain in the ass, man, this stroke shit.
'Cause now it's like it's weird, man.
I was in Philadelphia
taking my grandkids
boxing, you know what I mean?
I was getting ready to try to park the car
when a UPS truck
drove and took my spot.
My handicapped spot.
[audience laughs]
Now, when you're handicapped, you become the Handicap Police.
[audience laughs]
I'm like, "What the fuck? Oh, no, you don't."
[audience laughs]
And I, like, beep the horn... [imitates honking]
And I point to my placket. [chuckles]
Like it's a badge. I'm like...
[audience laughing, clapping]
He goes, "Get the fuck out of here."
Now I'm mad as shit, you know what I mean?
I step out my car,
close the door and lean against the car.
I'm waiting for him to bring his ass back.
I'm against the car trying to get my balance, you know what I mean?
He gone come, I see him walking. "Come here for a minute."
He come on the right side.
"No, could you move to the left a little bit?"
[audience laughs]
You know what I mean? Eh, ah!
[audience laughs]
I could do a one over on him, you know what I mean?
[chuckles]
A little slip and a turn, mmm!
He'd beat my ass though, you know?
[audience laughs]
A lot of people ask me, "What did you learn from having a stroke?"
Well, I learned, you know what I mean, to live in the moment.
Live in the now.
- Never... All right. - [audience claps, whoops]
Never put off tomorrow what you can do today.
In other words,
if there is someone you wanna punch...
[audience laughs]
Punch them now!
[audience laughing loudly]
Knock the shit out of them!
You know how many
unpunched faces I left out there?
[audience laughs]
Oh, shit, these strokes is a pain in the ass, man.
I don't like it whatsoever, man, I'm like, "What the fuck?"
You know what I mean? I'm brand new at this handicapped shit.
I never was handicapped before, I'm brand fucking new.
Only problem with that,
- sometimes-- - [cane thuds]
There you go.
[audience laughing, clapping]
[audience whooping]
Now, some of you are clapping like, "Oh, yeah, that's all right,"
while some of you are clapping like I'm at the Special Olympics.
[audience laughs]
"Come on, you can do it!"
Mmm-mmm.
Oh.
[audience cheering]
Hurry up, here...
[audience laughing]
...white girl. [laughs]
- Oh. - [audience cheering, clapping]
It's good to have friends, man.
It's very good to have friends.
[audience cheering, clapping]
You know, like, being handicapped, it's my first time being handicapped.
I never was handicapped ever.
The only problem with that, sometimes I forget that I am handicapped,
but I'm such an asshole...
[audience laughs]
...I find myself laughing at handicapped people.
[audience laughs]
You know what I mean? I see them walking,
I'm like, "Ah!"
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
They're like, "Look at you!" "Oh, shit."
"I forgot, man."
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
Y'all can laugh, don't worry about me.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
Now I got my trusty cane.
It's noisy as shit.
You know what I mean? "Clunk! Clunk!"
I gotta put tennis balls on the bottom
to stop it being so fucking noisy, man.
But it just, "clunk, clunk, clunk."
I'm walking through the Village,
all the homeless guys are, like,
"Who that new motherfucker?"
[audience laughs]
I'm, like, "It's me."
[chuckles]
But all of a sudden, people think I'm homeless because I got a fucking cane.
You know what I mean?
An old white guy...
I only have to tell what he did, but he's white.
[audience laughs]
He shook his... [chuckles] ...boxes of pizza at me. "Mmm?"
[audience laughs]
"I'm wearing a Tom Ford shirt, you motherfucker."
[audience laughing, clapping]
"The hell out of my face."
[audience cheering, whooping]
Eh?
Well, people... [chuckles] Like, they really think I'm homeless, man.
Like, this was last week.
I'm walking there. Beautiful girl.
She smile at me.
I smile at her. I'm, like, "Oh, shit, here we go."
[audience laughs]
This bitch...
[audience laughs]
...reaches in her bag.
"Are you hungry, sir?"
[audience laughs]
"Would you like a sandwich?"
"I don't want no damn sandwich, I want some pussy!"
- [audience laughs] - No.
- I didn't say that. I did not say that. - [audience cheering, clapping]
I didn't say it. I thought about it, but I didn't say it.
So I took her sandwich anyway.
[audience laughing]
[laughs]
But usually I wouldn't fuck with anybody, especially the comics.
We're comics.
Anybody can mess with an old man.
Ah.
You know what I mean?
I wasn't voted the funniest guy in elementary,
junior high school and high school
because I said nice, encouraging shit.
[audience laughs]
I ain't standing in front of a class,
"Hey, leave the fat kid with the glasses alone!"
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
But everybody can mess with me. Anybody.
Like, I see... Comics see stuff, we say certain things.
We're supposed to question the obvious.
You know what I mean?
Like today, in today's world, man, like, kids, eight, nine years old,
are telling their parents how they identify.
What the fuck?
[audience laughs]
I can't imagine my son coming to me at eight years old,
"Dad, I think I wanna be trans."
"Oh, son, we can't afford that right now."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
"I just bought your ass a 60-pack of Fruit of the Loom, goddamn it!"
[audience laughs]
"We're gonna try this boy shit at least three more years."
[audience laughs]
[audience clapping]
Oh, come on, man.
That was not a transphobic joke.
That was an economics joke.
[audience laughs]
Now this is a transphobic joke, right.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
- [laughs] - [audience laughs]
Well, everybody like, "Oh, man, you can't say shit like that."
"You'll be cancelled."
"God already cancelled my right side, man."
[audience laughs]
"What more you want?!"
[audience laughing, clapping]
It's all that social media shit, that's the problem.
Everybody yapping.
It's too much yapping.
Everybody's fucking yapping and yapping and yapping.
Even so-called gangsters are yapping.
"Yo, my name is OG Deathtrap. I shoot at the block."
"I pull bitches by the hair!"
"If you like what I just said, hit that subscribe button for me."
[audience laughing, clapping]
"Hit the subscribe butt..." What the fuck?
[chuckles]
But how I got over my stroke, man.
I ain't get over, but how, you know, I got through it.
My religion. I believe in God.
- You know what I mean? - [audience cheers, claps]
Any religious people out there?
[audience cheers, claps]
[laughs]
- Wow, that's, like, 12 people. - [audience laughs]
What the rest of you do? Go home and write manifestos? What the fuck?
[audience laughing]
What the hell?
[laughs]
Nah, man, I choose a religion
with the best afterlife program.
[audience laughs]
Some religions have better afterlife programs.
And some religions got real shitty afterlife programs.
One religion you got-- you get reincarnated
and come back here.
The fuck I'ma pick that shit, man.
[audience laughs]
What if I come back a white guy with a stroke, what the fuck, man?
[audience laughs]
Plus, I don't fuck with any religion whose worship service
don't produce R&B singers.
[audience cheers, claps]
That's for the Black folks.
[audience laughs]
You haven't laughed at a damn thing I said so far, lady.
Don't look around, you!
[audience laughs]
She hates handicapped Black men, I'm sure of it.
[audience laughing, clapping]
[raucous laugh]
What the fuck was that laugh?
[audience laughs]
[imitates raucous laughter]
[continues imitating laughter]
I see the Black... It looks good seeing Black folks smiling.
You know, usually you go to a Black neighborhood,
they be... [unintelligible] ...face, [grunts].
[audience laughs]
Black folks, we don't get along,
until we're in an all-white country.
[audience laughs]
You'd be so happy to see another Black guy,
he'd be a rival gang member, "Yo, my man!"
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
But I fuck with people, man.
Nobody gave me a break
when I was, um... when I had my stroke.
None of my friends gave me a break.
They kept fucking with me, man.
I'll never forget, I went to The Comedy Store, all right?
And I go in there,
and I'm with my cane, clunk,
clunk,
clunk.
And I drop my cane, and I bent down to pick it up
and that bitch, Amy Schumer...
[audience laughing loudly]
kicked my cane across the floor.
[audience laughing loudly]
Asshole Chris Rock
calls me Stroky Robinson.
[audience laughing loudly]
That's funny as shit, man.
That is funny as shit!
[audience laughs]
That's why I never understood why Jada Pinkett,
who's one of the most beautiful women in the world,
got upset that he called her another beautiful woman.
Demi Moore is beautiful.
But, I know, womens, like, "Oh, no, she got alopecia."
Motherfucker, I had a stroke!
[audience laughs]
Alopecia is one step above
having severe dandruff.
[audience laughing]
[laughs]
[chuckles]
That was pretty funny, man, come on.
[audience laughs]
I remember, like, I-- When I had my stroke,
I questioned God, man.
I questioned God, I...
"What did I ever do to deserve this stroke?!"
"Oh, yeah, that's right."
[audience laughing loudly]
[audience clapping, whooping]
"That time I hit that homeless guy and kept driving, fuck!"
[audience laughs]
"Was it the time I robbed those prostitutes?"
[audience laughs]
Oh, come on, man, come on!
You know how many prostitutes robbed me?
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
[audience whooping]
Especially now!
"Where you going? Ah, give my money... Ah, shit!"
"At least bring back my cane."
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
No, but, like I said,
when I got out of hospital, I went straight to Popeye's Chicken, man.
You know what I mean? The drive through.
I wasn't supposed to be driving, but fuck it.
[audience laughs]
That's why I hit that homeless guy.
[audience laughs]
[Keith chuckles]
Chicken fingers all over the place.
[audience laughs]
But y'all know, when you go to any drive through,
when you can talk real clear,
they barely understand you.
[audience chuckles]
[audience laughs]
They got mad at me!
[audience laughs loudly]
[chuckles]
The guy cursed at me.
I'm, like, "Can I have..."
"Sir, we don't understand you."
"Well, could you please give me..."
"Damn it! We don't understand you!"
And then I got mad.
And when I get mad, I can talk real clear.
- [audience laughs] - I'm, like, "What the fuck?"
[audience laughs]
"You're Popeye's Chicken."
[audience laughs]
"You sell nothing but chicken!"
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
"Guess what I want?"
[audience roars with laughter, claps]
"It's not like you have a variety of shit."
"Could I have the duck ravioli, please?"
[audience laughs loudly]
"Give me my three pieces and let me get the fuck out of here, man!"
I know how I sound, man.
You think I don't know how I sound? I know.
You know what I mean?
My asshole grandson
says I sound like Squidward.
[audience roars with laughter]
He's a bitch-ass nigga, man, fuck him!
[audience laughing loudly]
[Keith chuckles]
No, look, man, I love him, but I don't like him.
[audience laughs]
He gone come at me on Father's Day.
Huh.
"You know you're not my favorite grandfather, right?"
[audience laughs]
[audience whooping]
And I'm, like, "And you're not my favorite grandson, asshole!"
[audience laughs]
He's an asshole. [chuckles]
I want to punch him right in the back of his head
Soon as this hand gets better.
[audience laughs]
He don't know, man.
See, people... He don't realize that my speech...
When I first had my stroke, my... my second stroke,
when I first had it, man, I wasn't able to talk for two years.
[audience] Aww...
I'm lying, man, fuck it.
[audience laughs]
"Oh. Aww."
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
Y'all dumb, little, old faces.
"Oh! Oh, no, oh, no!"
[chuckles]
[laughs loudly]
[audience laughs]
Ah, that's what y'all get for the fucking...
No, my voice was fucked up, though.
[chuckles]
You know, my biggest challenge being handicapped...
My biggest challenge, man,
is crossing that long-ass street...
[audience laughs]
...with a light with a countdown on.
[audience laughing]
"Fourteen seconds, what the fuck?!"
[audience laughs]
"Don't you have a handicapped two minutes?"
The crossing guard comes, shoots a gun,
"Wow, go!" "Oh, shit!"
"Fourteen, thirteen,
twelve, aaah!"
[audience laughing, clapping]
Ass-old cars revving the engine. [imitates car revving]
Now I'm gonna race with an old woman in a walker.
[grunts]
[audience laughs]
"Ten, nine..." [grunts]
[audience laughs]
Finally get across the street just to get hit by a Citi Bike.
What the fuck?
[audience laughs, exclaims]
Oh, y'all can laugh at me being hit by a Citi Bike.
[audience laughs]
But the homeless guy, aww...
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
I was in London, man. Anybody from London?
- [person whoops] - Yeah.
Fuck London.
[audience laughs loudly]
Some of the lights in London count down from seven seconds.
Fast as shit.
Seven, six, five, four! Had to go back, "Aw, shit."
[audience laughing loudly]
[laughs]
[chuckles]
[cackles]
I was in London for two weeks, I only see one side of London.
[audience laughs lightly]
I never crossed the street, come on, goddamn it!
[audience laughs]
When I had my first stroke, right,
I remember running to my car
to call my kid's mom,
Tracy Rome.
My best friend, I called her.
But I did so much lying and cheating.
She didn't believe shit I was saying.
[audience laughs]
I'm, like, "I can't take you to dinner tonight,
I'm having a stroke."
"Mm-hmm."
[audience laughs]
"If you're having a so-called stroke,
FaceTime me and let me see that shit."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I had to call looking...
[garbled] "Oh, look at me!"
[laughs]
That's a true story, man, true.
When I got my... [chuckles]
...my second stroke, man,
I flew from Newark, New Jersey
to Arizona
to get laid.
[audience laughs]
First class.
[audience laughs]
I'm not gonna have a stroke in coach.
The fuck I am.
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
What kind of animal am I?
[chuckles]
Like, if you fly first class you know they give you all the drinks you want.
You know what I mean? Never stop.
No drink minimum, nothing.
Bam!
- Boom! - [audience laughs]
Slip-slop!
[audience laughs]
Slip-slop with 15 drinks in.
[audience laughs]
I'm drunk as shit.
[laughs]
I mean, time flew past.
The pilot makes an announcement.
"Twenty minutes left in the flight."
Okay, I'm doing the math.
Twenty minutes left in the flight,
ten minutes to the girl's house,
total of 30 minutes...
What takes 30 minutes to kick in?
[audience laughs raucously]
[screaming] Answer me!
[audience laughs loudly]
Viagra, damn it.
I popped the Viagra.
Men... [chuckles]
...never take a Viagra on an airplane.
[audience laughs]
I was fucked up, man.
I was, I fucked up.
You know what I mean? I'm, like, "Oh, shit."
My vision was blurry, I'm, like, "Oh, fuck."
I got an Uber.
I start passing in and out of consciousness.
[audience laughs]
But I never panic...
[audience laughing]
...when I know I gotta make a decision.
[audience laughs]
"Should I go to the girl's house and get laid?"
[audience laughs]
"Should I go to the hospital and live?"
[audience laughs loudly]
So I'm knocking on the girl's door.
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
[audience whooping]
She opened the door,
I bust in, take my clothes off real fast.
I'm in a rush right now.
[audience laughing]
I have to beat that stroke, you know what I mean?
She's laying on the bed butt naked.
I'm butt naked, I'm walking toward her like the living dead.
- [Keith groans] - [audience laughs]
[flatly] "Must complete the mission."
My arm goes down. My leg goes down.
Only thing still working? Ha!
[audience laughs, claps]
I should make a commercial out of this shit.
"When everything is going down,
Viagra stands strong!"
[audience whooping, clapping]
Now, ladies, don't ever let me hear you say again in your lives,
"We enjoy sex just as much as you men."
Bullshit!
How many of you are willing to die for it?
[audience laughs]
[angrily] Answer me!
[audience laughing]
[audience laughing loudly]
What have you ever sacrificed, lady?
What have you ever sacrificed?!
Yeah, you!
Would you lose your job for it?
Of course not!
President Bill Clinton...
[audience laughs loudly]
[audience claps]
...sacrificed the most important job in the world...
[audience laughs]
...for a slice.
[audience laughing loudly, clapping]
[audience whooping]
[audience members whistles]
[chuckles]
The only thing that got to me, man,
is my son.
My son cursed at me for the first time. Ever.
I'm sitting in my house in a wheelchair.
[chuckles]
My son comes over.
He was crying, man.
"Dad." [imitates sobbing, chuckles]
[audience laughs]
"We almost lost you, Dad, we almost lost you!"
"All for some fucking pussy!"
[audience laughs]
And I looked up at him from my wheelchair, I'm, like, "Son,
are you gay, what the fuck?"
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
[audience whoops]
[chuckles]
"Of course that's what it's for, what the fuck?"
"How do you think you got here, asshole?"
I was in the hospital, and a speech pathologist came in.
You know what I mean?
And the speech pathologist, her job is to see what you can remember,
long-term, short-term memory.
But she thinks, and thought in her mind,
the louder she talks...
[audience laughs]
...the more I will understand.
She'd come into the room, "Hello."
[louder, in singsong] "Hello!"
[loudly] "What is your name?"
And I would fuck with her, "Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King."
[audience laughs loudly, whoops]
[chuckles]
You should see the look in her face, "Oh, shit, he's fucked up!"
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
And then she would give me these long-ass word math problems.
And she was all excitable.
"Are you ready?"
[audience laughs]
"I'm laying in bed with a stroke, I can't be more ready, more!"
"Here we go! Little Billy went to the store."
[audience laughs]
"He had 16 marbles in one pocket,
$32 in another pocket,
and he left the house with four... fluffy... puppies."
[audience laughs]
I'm, like, "Come on!"
"On the way to the store, he stopped past his aunt's house."
"He gave her two of the fluffy puppies."
"He continued to the store."
"Unbeknownst to him...
[pretending to cry] ...he had a hole in his pocket".
"He lost seven of his marbles."
"What the fuck, am I four years old? Go on!"
[audience laughs]
"At the store, he spent 10.75."
[audience laughs]
[gravely] Oh, shit.
[audience laughs]
"He got another pack of 19 marbles."
Fuck!
[audience laughs]
"All he got was the marbles, the fluffy puppies, and the change."
"What did he bring home?"
[audience laughs]
I didn't know this shit before the stroke, what the fuck?
[audience laughing, clapping]
[audience whooping]
[unintelligible]
[audience laughs]
What are you, a fucking teacher, what the fuck?
"Now, see, what he did is..."
It's a joke!
[audience laughs loudly]
Why do you explain to him?
[audience laughs]
The what?
[audience laughs lightly]
- [woman, unintelligible] - Oh, shit.
[audience laughs]
I just fucked up.
All right. Why do you explain it to her?
[audience laughs loudly, exclaiming]
No, I...
My vision is bad from my stroke.
[audience laughing raucously]
[audience claps]
H... Hey, little girl...
[audience laughing]
I use my st... my stroke for an excuse for everything.
[audience laughs]
The cops stop me for drinking and driving... [chuckles]
"Sir, have you been drinking and driving?"
"I had a stro..." [laughs]
[audience laughs]
"What the fuck, is that alcohol on your breath?"
"My medicine!"
[audience laughs, claps]
[chuckles]
"Your medicine smells like Hennessy?"
[audience laughs]
Ah, goddammit, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
[audience laughs lightly]
I have, you know... [chuckles]
I remember when I-- Like, when I went to the hospital,
the pandemic was first starting.
Do y'all remember when the pandemic first started?
I know Black folks, we thought, at first,
COVID didn't infect us.
[audience laughs lightly]
We didn't think COVID infected us.
We were having block parties...
[audience laughs]
♪ We don't get no COVID ♪
[audience laughs]
That shit lasted for two hours.
[audience laughs]
I remember CNN, Jake Tapper came on.
[imitating Tapper] "Breaking news!"
"More Black people die of COVID than anybody else!"
What the fuck?!
[audience laughs]
Why do we always get the worst of this shit?
More Black people die of cancer.
More Black people die of diabetes.
More Black people die from mountain climbing.
"Wait a minute."
[audience laughs]
"We don't mountain climb!"
"Yeah, but when you do, you die!"
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
Like, I was in the hospital for two months.
Two solid months, man.
Right in the heat of the pandemic.
You know, when the pandemic hit,
your family couldn't come to the hospital with you.
So I was by myself with me
and the nurses.
[person whoops]
Any nurses here?
[some whooping and clapping]
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
The nurses treated me like shit.
[audience laughing loudly]
All those hoes are not heroes!
[audience laughs]
They left blood samples on my food tray.
And I'm now, "Fuck, fuck this. Defund the nurses!"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
Except her.
[audience laughs, claps, whoops]
No, man, I got jumped by a pack of nurses.
They fucking jumped me!
I wanted a room, 'cause I was falling, like, in the hospital, I fall.
And they... start measuring my head.
Like, "What the fuck you measure...?"
"Well, we're gonna put a helmet on you."
[audience laughs]
"I'm not wearing no damn helmet."
"You're gonna wear the helmet."
"I'm not wearing a helmet!"
I mean, how can I harass the nurses
with a fucking helmet on?
[audience laughs]
You know how dumb that shit looks?
"Hey, baby, ahh..."
Big, dumb helmet, stickers all around it, like...
She, like, "You're gonna wear the helmet!" "I'm not wearing the helmet!"
Matter of fact, take me to the bathroom.
And she go and throw me a bedpan.
A small-ass bedpan.
You've seen them.
Why don't you just give me an ashtray, what the fuck?
[audience laughs]
Matter of fact, gimme the helmet, I'll shit in the helmet.
[audience laughs loudly, claps]
And so I just threw the bedpan back at her.
[groans]
But I had a stroke, I didn't have much strength,
so she just caught the bedpan midair.
[audience laughs]
And she goes and tells me, "I don't give a shit if you poop yourself."
"You better not get out of that damn bed."
I'm, like, "Oh, shit." She slammed the door, bam!
I'm stuck by myself in my own thoughts.
I'm, like, "What the fuck?"
-"Who she talking to?" - [audience laughs]
"I'm from South Philly!"
[audience laughs]
I don't even know what that meant, but it felt good saying it.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
When you are in a brain injury unit,
they always keep a camera on you.
All the time, they're watching you, they keep a camera on you.
You know what I mean? So I looked right at the camera.
[audience laughing]
And I put my hospital socks on.
You know hospital socks.
They come with the suction cups on the bottom.
The Air Jordan of socks.
[audience laughs]
I put them on one by one. [groans]
[groans]
I wanted to get out the bed.
As soon my feet touched the floor the alarm went off.
Those bitches came running in
with pepper spray and Tasers.
[audience laughs loudly]
And I'm trying to haul ass like it's a light, "Oh, shit!"
"Twelve... eleven..."
[audience laughs]
"Ten."
[audience claps, whoops]
Some fast-ass Jamaican nurse ran me down.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
She was strong as shit.
Had me in a full nelson, my feet dangling in the air.
I'm, like, "Put me the fuck down! Put me down!"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
She put me down.
When you have a stroke, you get spasms in your legs, spasms.
And my leg just kicked up in the air.
I end up kicking this Irish nurse right in the gut.
Bam! And she's, "Oh!"
"This motherfucker wanna fight!"
- [audience laughs loudly] -"No!"
"No."
"Spasms, I got spasms!"
"Fuck your spasms!"
And she threw a jab at me, you know what I mean?
But I used to box, I just caught that shit, bam!
She's swerving, I slipped it, ah!
[audience laughs loudly]
[audience claps]
"South Philly, bitch!"
[audience laughs]
But I celebrated too fast.
Fucking Puerto Rican nurse was next.
She came with a lot of movement, you know what I mean?
[audience laughs]
Like Zab Judah, she... [grunts]
She'd fake with the right, hook with the left.
Knocked me the fuck out, man.
[audience laughs]
Before I went, I heard her say, "South Bronx, motherfucker!"
[audience laughs raucously]
[audience clapping]
Wait a minute... [laughs]
Y'all ain't supposed to applaud for that shit.
[audience laughs]
I was out cold, man.
I woke up, I was in the COVID section.
[audience laughs]
With a helmet on, what the fuck?!
[audience laughs loudly]
No, they did put me in the COVID section, man.
No lying, I had no symptoms.
No runny nose, no sore throat, no coughs.
I think they put me there for bad behavior.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
And the COVID section was, like, dark.
In a dungeon almost.
They ran me through the corridor and all that shit.
The ceiling was leaking water.
[audience laughs]
A guy was playing the organ.
[audience laughs loudly]
I'm, like, "What the fuck is going on?"
And they had a big 70-inch TV
with CNN on.
And at that time, CNN was showing a death count.
And you'd see the clicker. Click, click.
I'm, like, "Oh, fuck!"
"I see my name, ah, no!"
[audience laughing]
"I'm here!"
They put me... in a room and locked the door, man.
And those were the worst days of my life, man.
It was horrible, you know what I mean?
And none, I mean, none
of the NOCs
came to see me or anything.
Nurses of color.
[audience laughs]
And there were four Black nurses, I'll never forget,
outside my door,
talking.
"I'm not going near that nigga, he got COVID."
I'm, like, "What the fuck?"
"I can hear y'all!"
[audience laughs]
Well, I'll tell you what, thank God, thank God
for the white "Make America Great Again" nurses.
[audience laughs loudly]
They didn't give a fuck about COVID.
[audience laughing loudly]
[audience clapping]
They came walking into my room,
no masks on,
coughing, sneezing.
I got nervous, I put my mask on.
[audience laughs loudly]
They snatched my mask, "Oh, get this fucking mask off!"
[audience laughing]
Kiss me on my lips, mwaah!
That COVID section is a bitch, man.
It is.
The nurse is telling you, 'cause your family can't come in,
they say... And they show you outside.
Or your family can only come and see you
if something seriously happened to you,
they can see you through a window.
I can't imagine... What the fuck?
I'm sitting there, I'm ready to go,
I see my family give me...
[audience laughs]
What the fuck is that?
[chuckles]
Well, man, I did my time,
in the COVID section, honorably.
Ten toes down.
[audience laughs]
All right, seven toes,
'cause I had a stroke, and... All right, fine.
You know what I mean? I was an honorable guy snitching on nurses.
No, when you're leaving... the hospital,
you know, you're leaving the hospital, it's like leaving a penitentiary.
They give you all your shit in a plastic bag.
[chuckles]
And the head nurse was admonishing me.
"Don't come back to this place."
[audience laughs]
"You better not come back here."
I'm like, "I'm not coming back."
"I'm gonna do better."
[audience laughs]
Well, that asshole Puerto Rican nurse, that motherfucker,
going straight to Popeye's.
[audience laughs loudly, clapping]
Hey, man, thanks so much.
[audience clapping, cheering loudly]
[audience whooping]
[mellow music playing over cheering]
[cheering fades]
[rhythmic music playing]
[music fades]
It's so easy!