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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Deep Ellum.

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Here's what I've learned.

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Uh, first of all,
I've asked numerous people,

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I go, "Is it safe to walk

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"from the hotel
to the comedy club?"

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And I just have to stop
asking white people.

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That's my problem, right?

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White people almost think
it's a test, you know.

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They just throw words at you.

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They're like,
"Oh, you know, gentrification."

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I was like, "Okay,
what's that mean?"

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"Well, just, you know,
the economic disparity."

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I go, "You're not
giving me an answer."

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Luckily I have a buddy, Aaron,
he's a Black dude.

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I go, "Is it safe?"
He's like, "No."

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I go, "Oh, yeah, yeah."

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[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

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I have to remind myself
that people are mostly nice,

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'cause I was bullied
in middle school.

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Okay? We're all up here
for a reason.

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Yeah, 'cause I have,
I have pretty big front teeth.

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I'm not sure you guys
can see 'em. I didn't know I had big front teeth.

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But my second day
at middle school,

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we're watching this movie
and I laughed at the movie,

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and this kid next to me
looks over, he's like,

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[LAUGHS] "You have huge teeth."

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I'm like, "Well,
won't be smiling for the rest of middle school.

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"That's how that's gonna go."

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And, listen,
I'm mostly fine now, okay?

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If I see a beaver, I'm like,
"Are you taunting me?"

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But other than that,
I'm totally,

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I'm a totally
well-put-together comedian.

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And I don't know if anyone here
was ever bullied before.

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It does carry over in adulthood.

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Here's where I'm at now.

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I'm very, very wary
of compliments.

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Like, I just know where
it's going to go, right?

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Like, I live in D.C.
I have these sneakers on.

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They're very basic sneakers.

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But I was walking down
the street one day and this couple walked by me.

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And this guy just walks by.
He goes, "I like your sneakers."

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And of course,
in my mind, I was like,

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[GRUNTS] "Here we go."

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'Cause I thought he'd be like,
"Where'd you get 'em from? The Goodwill?"

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And just go high-five strangers.

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Like, that's what I thought
was going to happen.

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And he didn't do that at all.
He just kept walking.

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I was like, "Oh,
that was really nice."

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And I've worn them
for a month straight.

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I felt euphoria
for a month straight.

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Which doesn't seem normal.

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But then I did
some research on this.

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This is absolutely true.

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I don't know if you guys
know this or not, but when guys get compliments,

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it's so rare
that it can last a day, week or even months.

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That's what they say.
So on top of doing comedy tonight,

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I'm gonna give out
random compliments to guys in the audience.

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So, uh, get ready.

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Look at you, Texas.
You're like, "Please don't do that."

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That's right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

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Like you, sir, I feel very safe
with you in the room right now.

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Look at you.
You're flushing a little, but I mean it. I mean it.

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[LAUGHS]

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Yeah, 'cause I just want
people to feel joy.

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I think joy is so important.

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But you ever had someone
take joy away from you?

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Ugh! What a nightmare.

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I had a Lunchable
about a week ago.

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I had a Lunchable.
It was a turkey and cheese. It was delicious.

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They were four for $5
at Safeway or free if you self-checkout, and...

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

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All right, my people
in this room tonight. All right, good.

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I told my friend about it, I go,
"I had a turkey and cheese Lunchable today."

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And he goes, "What are you,
nine years old?"

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I was like, "Oh, you mean
the last time that we're all truly happy? Yes."

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For four minutes,
I was nine again, all right?

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Let me have it. I'm 40.
I need the joy, all right?

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'Cause 40 is not fun.
I just turned 40.

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Don't let the backwards hat
fool you.

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That's what's going on
underneath there, all right?

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That's kind of...
Yeah, I know. Yeah, so that's why I do that.

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And look at that, 36. Yeah!

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Yeah, 40 is a weird age to be.

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I don't know
if anyone here is 40.

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It's strange 'cause I'm not old.

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I'm not old,
but I'm definitely at the age now,

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if I drop the shampoo
in the shower,

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it makes, like,
a really loud noise,

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my wife just assumes I died.

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Anyone else going through that?

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It's not fun.
It's not fun at all.

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It happened one day,
dropped the shampoo bottle, made a huge noise.

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About a minute later,
my wife Kelsey walks in.

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She goes,
"Everything okay in here?"

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Which, can we agree,

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that is 58 seconds
too late, right?

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That is way, way too late.

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And the way she said it,
I didn't like it.

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"Is everything okay in here?"

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That sounds a lot like,
"Are my dreams coming true?"

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She's like, "Why are you wearing
sneakers in the shower?"

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I'm like, "Leave it alone.
I got a compliment three weeks ago,

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"and I feel great, all right?"

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She's the best.
We've been married for almost nine years.

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- It's the best. She's really...
Yeah. Thank you. - [AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS]

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Yeah, she really is.
She's great.

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You know,
I'm not gonna be a comic, "Oh, marriage." It's fine.

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The only, I guess,
issue we've run into

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is you gotta keep things spicy
in the bedroom,

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Every couple
has to go through that.

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So we're trying new things.

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We started watching
porn together recently.

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Yeah, her idea. She goes,
"We should watch porn together."

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I go, "That's fun.
What type of porn do you want watch?"

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She goes,
"You can pick whatever."

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I was like, "Eh,
that's not the best idea." Uh...

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"No, no. I've been watching this
for a long time, all right?

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"You don't...

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"You don't need to see
what I'm into at this point."

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So that's...
Yeah, I'm not knockin' her.

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She's just new to porn,
all right?

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She's searching things
like, "passionate."

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I'm searching things
like, "machines."

126
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All right?
We're just at different points in our porn-watching seasons.

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All right?

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Yeah.

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We got some couples
here tonight.

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Yeah. I don't wanna make
things... How long...

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- You guys a couple,
obviously, right? - Yes.

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How long you been together for?

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- Ten years.
- Ten years? Incredible.

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Right around the same point.
Have you watched porn together?

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- Possibly.
- Possibly. Yeah. Yeah.

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Well, listen, I was gonna say
with a guy like eyes like that, who needs porn, right?

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Compliment. Boom.
All right, so that's, uh, there you go.

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Yeah. Beautiful.
We're feeling good about ourselves.

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Yeah. Here's a website
that Kelsey found.

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It's called Bellesa, all right?
Their whole idea is, like, porn for women.

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So it's very classy,
at least I thought.

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And then one day,
she's taking a shower,

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she goes, "Pick whatever
scene you wanna pick."

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I was like,
"That's a lot of pressure, but okay."

145
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So I start with guy-girl,
Let's start with guy-girl

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and then work up to,
like, the crazy things, all right?

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So I pick the scene,
it's a very attractive couple.

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We hop into bed,
it's on my phone.

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It'd play on my phone,
we're into it.

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We're frisky,
looking back, frisky, looking back.

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Also the girl in the scene,
just like pulls the guy's pants down

152
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and Kelsey just goes, "Ew!
"That's a weird looking dick."

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Which, I don't know how
to respond to that.

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I was like, "Well, there's
some extra skin on there, that's for sure."

155
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Right? What the...

156
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What do you say?
"That's a real skin-heavy dick."

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What? I don't know.
"We got a real bungee cord."

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I thought we could make...
We would be okay.

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We were not okay at all.

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She goes, "Matt,
that's the weirdest dick I have ever seen

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"in my life. Turn it off."

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And I turn it off.

163
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And guess what?
We didn't have sex that night.

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We did not have sex.

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We started season three
of<i> Ted Lasso.</i>

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That's what we did,
everyone, which...

167
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Yeah, season three, too.
Not a good one. Not a good one.

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This is my life now. I'm 40.

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She still wants to watch porn.

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So now what happens is,
this is great.

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She's like,
"Hey, go pick a scene."

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I had to go to the bedroom.
I had to pick a scene,

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but I have to, like, scrub
ahead into the scene

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to, like, double check
the dicks.

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You know, like that's...
Like, yeah.

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Now I'm a dick detective?
That's who I am, right?

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I'm just scrolling through
scene after scene.

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I'm like, "Eh,
it curves to the right. Should be to the left.

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"You know better, man.
Come on, now.

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"That one's circumcised,
I like 'em circumcised. Get it together."

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Listen, you're my friends,
so I can tell you this.

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I find, like,
a good-looking dick.

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I get hard now. I'm like,
"Oh, thank God. All right.

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"I'm getting laid. Hell, yeah."

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And she doesn't even
appreciate my effort.

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She jumps into bed.
She's like, "Wow, look at the rack on her."

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I'm like, "Look at
the cut on him.

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00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,259
"Are you kidding me?
That's incredible."

189
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:08,011
I spent ten minutes
finding that cut.

190
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All right, off to the races.
Beautiful. yeah.

191
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,479
We're very cheap people,
Kelsey and I.

192
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Cheap. That's who we are.
We love a good deal.

193
00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:22,734
You ever find this, though?
Sometimes the risk can outweigh the reward of a good deal.

194
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We live in Washington, D.C.
like I said.

195
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:25,904
We had this French cafe
in our neighborhood.

196
00:07:25,904 --> 00:07:27,865
it's called Le Madeleine.

197
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Taking Kelsey to work
one day and this ad came on the radio for Le Madeleine.

198
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They go, "Come this week only
and say, 'Ooh, la, la!' at the register

199
00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:36,331
"and get a free croissant."

200
00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:39,585
I was like, "Yeah, I'll just
pay $3 for that croissant. How about that?"

201
00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:41,253
I don't know
who's working today.

202
00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:42,754
That doesn't seem like
a good idea.

203
00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:44,423
What if it's
some 15-year-old girl?

204
00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,926
And I just walk in,
and out of nowhere, I go,

205
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:50,679
"Oh, by the way, ooh, la, la."

206
00:07:52,848 --> 00:07:54,975
And she's like,
"What did you just say to me?"

207
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,477
And like, "Oh, no, no,
I said, 'ooh, la, la' for a free croissant.

208
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,770
"I heard it on the radio."

209
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,480
And she's like,
"What the hell is the radio?"

210
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:04,318
I'm like, "Oh, no.
That's right. Damn it!"

211
00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:05,944
My name's Matt Bergman,
by the way.

212
00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:08,280
I felt like I, maybe,
didn't introduce myself. Matt Bergman.

213
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,324
Uh, people ask me
all the time if I'm Jewish.

214
00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:12,242
Uh, maybe.

215
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,119
I legit have never
looked at it before.

216
00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:15,204
I just don't care, I guess.

217
00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:16,705
My family never cared,
but, like, it's,

218
00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:19,041
Jewish people claim me
all the time, which is fine,

219
00:08:19,041 --> 00:08:20,209
but also like strange.

220
00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:22,294
I have a buddy
back home in Buffalo.

221
00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:23,921
He's a Jewish guy. He's like,
"Bergman, come on, man, you're definitely Jewish."

222
00:08:23,921 --> 00:08:25,339
I was like,
"Well, that's possible."

223
00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:27,007
He's like, "You should do
a 23andMe."

224
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,425
I was like,
"I'm not gonna pay for that."

225
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,010
He's like, "Eh,
there's your answer."

226
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,595
- Oh, that's...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

227
00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:35,891
I didn't like that at all.
That felt very offensive.

228
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:41,063
As a maybe Jewish person,
I think I'm offended by that.

229
00:08:41,063 --> 00:08:42,981
But then again, I don't know.
And then he gets more offensive.

230
00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:44,608
He's like, "What about
your dad, man?

231
00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:45,817
"Dad's a cheap guy."

232
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:47,319
Offensive,

233
00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:48,529
but true.

234
00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:51,323
He is cheap. My dad?
Yes... We're Buffalo.

235
00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:52,616
We're, like,
lower-middle-class people.

236
00:08:52,616 --> 00:08:53,951
My dad loves a good deal.

237
00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:55,452
I'm sure your parents
are the same way.

238
00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,538
My parents went to Florida
five years ago, as parents do.

239
00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:59,122
And my dad's birthday
was a few months ago.

240
00:08:59,122 --> 00:09:01,166
He had a coupon in the mail
for this place called Culver's.

241
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,709
- Do you also have them here?
- [CROWD ASSENTS]

242
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:05,671
Yeah, yeah. So his coupon's
for one free ice cream sundae.

243
00:09:05,671 --> 00:09:07,965
So he called me one day,
so proud of himself, at a Culver's,

244
00:09:07,965 --> 00:09:09,299
headed to the kid
behind the counter,

245
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:11,593
goes, "I have this free
ice cream sundae coupon,"

246
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,470
and the kid behind the counter
goes, "All right."

247
00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,806
He just gave my dad a sundae.

248
00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:19,142
But then, like,
didn't take his coupon.

249
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:21,270
I love that some people
were laughing already. Exactly.

250
00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:24,106
My father, for real,
goes to Culver's four to five days a week

251
00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:27,234
to get a free ice cream sundae,

252
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,694
which is, like, that's fine.

253
00:09:28,694 --> 00:09:30,279
That doesn't matter.
What bothers me,

254
00:09:30,279 --> 00:09:33,574
he calls up so proud of himself,
like he's tricking these kids.

255
00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:36,243
Like, I put him on speakerphone
one day. He's like, "Matthew,

256
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:39,329
"another free sundae today."

257
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,498
I'm like, "Yeah, Dad,
that kid is what, 16?

258
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:46,044
"He doesn't give a shit
about his job," right?

259
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,838
Isn't that
all that's going on there?

260
00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:51,383
You were 16 and you didn't care
about your job at 16, did you?

261
00:09:51,383 --> 00:09:54,011
I didn't. I worked at a grocery
when I was 16. I was a cashier.

262
00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:55,470
They didn't pay me enough.

263
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:57,556
If someone came through
with, like, a fruit or vegetable

264
00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,933
that wasn't on my first page,
guess what?

265
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,852
It was a banana.
That's what that was, right?

266
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:06,565
I'm like, "What do you got
there? Kumquats? Eh.

267
00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:10,694
"Four-zero-one-one.
Boom! Look at that."

268
00:10:10,694 --> 00:10:12,487
All right, that's how the room
steals from the self-checkout.

269
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:14,823
That's what
that means right there. Yeah, good for you.

270
00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:16,283
Good for you.

271
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,534
So we don't have any kids yet.

272
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,203
How many people have kids
in the room tonight?

273
00:10:19,203 --> 00:10:21,330
We got some, uh,
yeah, raising their hands. Look at that energy.

274
00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:23,332
Yeah, that made me
want to have kids.

275
00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:25,334
Look at that. Good for you.

276
00:10:25,334 --> 00:10:26,793
No, I don't know
if we're gonna have kids or not.

277
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,086
You know I'm 40, my wife's 33.

278
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:29,505
We'll see.
We'll see what happens.

279
00:10:29,505 --> 00:10:31,590
Uh, I'm not sure what type
of parents we're gonna be.

280
00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:34,843
Sometimes my wife does
very un-motherly things.

281
00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:38,013
And in my head I go,
"That might not be good, you know?"

282
00:10:38,013 --> 00:10:39,640
Like, I'll tell you one
right now.

283
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,768
She likes to tell me,
like, really sad stories late at night

284
00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:46,021
like it just won't affect
my sleep cycle.

285
00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:48,565
Some people are laughing
a bit too hard over there. You've gone through it before?

286
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:50,692
Yeah, I'm gonna tell you
a story of something recently.

287
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,110
It will not be funny.
If it's funny,

288
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,363
see a therapist,
you have a very serious problem.

289
00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:55,989
We're in bed one night,
it's, like, midnight,

290
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,574
I'm not even looking at her.
I'm, like, turned away,

291
00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:59,117
and I'm about to doze off.

292
00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:02,454
And she goes, "Can I tell you
a really sad story?"

293
00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:05,499
And I go, "Uh, not tonight.
Maybe in the morning."

294
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:07,167
And then she laughed
and told me anyway.

295
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:09,920
I go, "Oh, that's rhetorical.

296
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:11,547
"Just tell me the story
next time." Right?

297
00:11:11,547 --> 00:11:13,590
Once again. I'm sorry
to do this to all of you,

298
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:15,467
but I had to hear it,
now you have to hear it.

299
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,177
She goes,
"I read this article today

300
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,638
"that this woman
brought her bulldog into PetSmart to get a bath.

301
00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:22,891
"As they're
raising the platform, something snapped.

302
00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:24,560
"It fell on top of the bulldog.

303
00:11:25,394 --> 00:11:26,353
"It didn't make it."

304
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,690
And then she goes,
"All right, good night."

305
00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:32,776
And just went to bed, everyone.

306
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:35,237
She was snoring
five minutes later like a true psycho.

307
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:38,198
Yeah, very important story now,
by the way,

308
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:41,243
we own a bulldog,
everyone, right?

309
00:11:41,243 --> 00:11:42,744
Her name is Wilma.
Even she woke up like,

310
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,080
"What the hell, lady?" Right?

311
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,583
I was like, "I know, I married
her for the rest of my life.

312
00:11:47,583 --> 00:11:48,750
"She could be a mother one day.

313
00:11:49,585 --> 00:11:51,420
"Is that a good idea?"

314
00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:53,005
'Cause I don't have some,
like, four-year-olds like,

315
00:11:53,005 --> 00:11:55,465
"Mommy, tell me
a bedtime story."

316
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:58,802
And she's like,
"You're not going to like it, but all right, let's do it.

317
00:11:58,802 --> 00:12:01,054
"Once upon a time,
in a little town called Chernobyl..."

318
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,306
It's like, "Okay, that's good."

319
00:12:04,808 --> 00:12:07,394
Plus, if we follow the science,
we're not sure what type of kid we're gonna have.

320
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,188
Very scary, you know?
Like, her family

321
00:12:09,188 --> 00:12:10,898
has a history
of depression, anxiety.

322
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:12,733
My family, depression, anxiety.

323
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:15,277
My grandmother's bipolar.
She's manic-depressant.

324
00:12:15,277 --> 00:12:17,779
She was in a psych ward
for, like, 20 years of her life.

325
00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:19,281
Yet my mom still has
the audacity to go,

326
00:12:19,281 --> 00:12:21,825
"When you guys gonna
give me grandkids?"

327
00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:24,703
Like, "I don't think that's
gonna be a happy baby, Mom." Right?

328
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:27,497
Like, for real, I think my kid's
first word will probably like, "Ugh!"

329
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,082
Like, that would be fun, right?

330
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,626
People will be like, "Why is
their four-year-old smoking?"

331
00:12:30,626 --> 00:12:32,211
I go, "He just heard
a weird bedtime story.

332
00:12:32,211 --> 00:12:33,295
"Leave him alone, all right?
That's..."

333
00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:37,049
So, yeah, no kids.
If I do have kids,

334
00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:38,258
I'm not gonna...

335
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,718
Not gonna spend money on them.

336
00:12:39,718 --> 00:12:40,677
That seems wild.

337
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,055
Like, food and clothing,
of course.

338
00:12:43,055 --> 00:12:45,641
I'm not having CPS called on me.
But, like...

339
00:12:45,641 --> 00:12:48,435
Like, vacations?
That seems insane, right?

340
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,062
Like, 'cause I travel
all the time.

341
00:12:50,062 --> 00:12:52,689
I see these miserable parents
in airports every single Sunday,

342
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:54,650
and I have empathy for them,
you know?

343
00:12:54,650 --> 00:12:57,236
Like I... My parents could
afford one vacation a year,

344
00:12:57,236 --> 00:12:58,487
and I appreciate for them now.

345
00:12:58,487 --> 00:13:00,072
But my biggest memory
that sticks out,

346
00:13:00,072 --> 00:13:02,115
I was about ten years old.
I went to Disneyland.

347
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,617
A very expensive trip,
as we all know.

348
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:04,743
So, of course, first we do...

349
00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:05,994
We get there at 7:00
in the morning.

350
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,913
We stay 'til
ten o'clock at night.

351
00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:10,916
Yeah, 'cause my dad's,
"We're milking all the money from Disneyland," right?

352
00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,543
So we're leaving Disneyland.

353
00:13:12,543 --> 00:13:14,419
We're stuck in traffic
on Disneyland Way,

354
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,755
and my mom hounded
dad for probably the tenth time in the trip.

355
00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:17,881
She goes, "Tom, do not forget,

356
00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:20,092
"at the next light,
you take a right.

357
00:13:20,092 --> 00:13:21,426
"Next light, you take a right."

358
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:22,719
What's my father do?

359
00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,680
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Right through the lights, right?

360
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,807
Yeah. Do you feel the tension
in this room right now?

361
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:30,936
My mom snapped in a way
I've never heard her snap to this day.

362
00:13:30,936 --> 00:13:32,938
She basically screams like,
"Tom, what'd I say?

363
00:13:32,938 --> 00:13:36,149
"You had to take that right!"

364
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:40,028
And to my father's credit,
he very calmly pulled over to the side of the road,

365
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:41,613
put the car in park,

366
00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:42,865
got out,

367
00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:46,326
and just started
walking the fuck away, right?

368
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:49,121
Just started
angry Dad walking...

369
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,249
down Disneyland Way, everyone.

370
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,918
Yeah, the happiest place
on Earth.

371
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,003
The happiest place on Earth.

372
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,337
Not for the Bergmans that day.

373
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:58,589
Not for the Bergmans.

374
00:13:58,589 --> 00:13:59,882
My mom got in the car,

375
00:13:59,882 --> 00:14:01,133
drove it, like,
a mile an hour, going,

376
00:14:01,133 --> 00:14:03,302
"Come on, Tom,
get back in the car.

377
00:14:03,302 --> 00:14:05,846
"Tom, they're looking at us.
Get back in the car."

378
00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:09,016
He's like, "Elaine,
I'll meet you back at the hotel."

379
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,601
Right? Even at ten, I was like,

380
00:14:10,601 --> 00:14:12,603
"He's not coming back, Mom.
That's it right there. Oh, boy.

381
00:14:12,603 --> 00:14:14,730
"You broke that poor man.
Look at him.

382
00:14:14,730 --> 00:14:15,939
"He's already going
the wrong way.

383
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:17,399
"The hotel's
back that way, right?"

384
00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:20,402
I remember that vividly.

385
00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:22,404
He probably got me
a Mickey balloon that day, too.

386
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:24,489
I don't remember.
You know what I do remember?

387
00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:25,949
Him running
the fuck away from that.

388
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:28,535
So that's in the brain
until the day I die, all right?

389
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,621
So if we have parents in here,
spend it on yourselves.

390
00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:31,580
That's what I'm trying to say.

391
00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:34,208
And they're still together.
Don't worry.

392
00:14:34,208 --> 00:14:35,501
Happy endings
to most of my stories.

393
00:14:35,501 --> 00:14:37,878
Bulldog story, not great.
But other stories,

394
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:39,421
happy endings, all right?

395
00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:41,507
They've been married
40 years, my parents. Incredible.

396
00:14:41,507 --> 00:14:43,050
The problem is,
I'm an only child.

397
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:44,843
My mom thinks
I'm a girlfriend now.

398
00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:47,262
She was like, "Tell me things
about the relationship."

399
00:14:47,262 --> 00:14:49,681
I was like, "Eh, let's not
do this part," you know.

400
00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:51,099
We were on the phone one day.

401
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,559
She goes, "You know what,
Matthew? Your father and I,

402
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,269
"sometimes, I just think
we were better parents

403
00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:55,687
"than we were as a couple."

404
00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,231
It was like, eh,
difficult to hear

405
00:14:57,231 --> 00:14:59,191
because they were
terrible parents, all right?

406
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:02,653
Your son chose
comedy for a living.

407
00:15:02,653 --> 00:15:03,737
Don't think that's an A-plus.

408
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:08,659
They tried.

409
00:15:08,659 --> 00:15:10,452
It's the most credit
I can give my parents. They tried.

410
00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:11,662
You're gonna make mistakes.

411
00:15:11,662 --> 00:15:13,205
If we have only children here,

412
00:15:13,205 --> 00:15:14,790
you know what I'm talking about.
Like, my parents were good.

413
00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:16,625
I tell them this all the time,
"You guys were A-plus parents.

414
00:15:16,625 --> 00:15:18,377
"You made C-plus decisions."

415
00:15:18,377 --> 00:15:19,795
That's all you can hope for,
you know?

416
00:15:19,795 --> 00:15:21,338
I'll tell you, too, right now.
When I was a kid,

417
00:15:21,338 --> 00:15:22,798
I love going to concerts.
Love concerts.

418
00:15:22,798 --> 00:15:24,341
My mom didn't
follow trends at all.

419
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,343
So what she would do,
she, like, let me go to a concert

420
00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:28,720
based on the name of the band,

421
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,305
which is, like, a terrible idea.

422
00:15:30,305 --> 00:15:32,391
Like, I grew up loving
The Barenaked Ladies.

423
00:15:32,391 --> 00:15:33,809
Do you guys know who they are?

424
00:15:33,809 --> 00:15:34,935
Very popular if you grew up
in Canada.

425
00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,061
My mom heard the name
the first time.

426
00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:37,312
She's like,
"Absolutely not, Matthew."

427
00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:40,399
"Don't like to that filth,
that garbage.

428
00:15:40,399 --> 00:15:42,484
"This Marilyn Manson sounds
like a sweet girl, though.

429
00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:43,902
"So you're all clear, that's...

430
00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:47,447
"Is she a Christian singer?"

431
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,366
I was like, "Eh, more or less,
give or take."

432
00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:54,079
The other mistake they made,
and bear with me on this one,

433
00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:56,498
'cause it's gonna get
a little weird in here, but trust me.

434
00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:58,166
I didn't even know
it was a weird story until recently, though.

435
00:15:58,166 --> 00:15:59,793
You ever tell a story
from your childhood

436
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,587
that you think
is completely normal,

437
00:16:01,587 --> 00:16:03,463
and you're, like,
halfway through the story.

438
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,048
And just by that person's
response, you go,

439
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:06,550
"Oh, is this not normal?
All right."

440
00:16:07,843 --> 00:16:10,095
This will be one. I know.
Now you know.

441
00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,181
Before I became a cashier
at that grocery store,

442
00:16:12,181 --> 00:16:14,224
I was a cart boy.
I was about 14 years old.

443
00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:16,393
And there used to be
this older gentleman that came all the time.

444
00:16:16,393 --> 00:16:19,521
He's a nice guy,
but he was probably, like, mid-80s.

445
00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:20,939
He had a ponytail.

446
00:16:20,939 --> 00:16:22,649
His name is Dick.

447
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,318
'Cause why wouldn't it be?
But that was his name.

448
00:16:24,318 --> 00:16:27,029
And Dick had a thing,
he would take all the younger cart boys

449
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:28,238
to Buffalo Sabres games,

450
00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:29,656
which are a hockey team
if you don't know.

451
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:32,117
And not, like, together,
like, individually, all right?

452
00:16:32,117 --> 00:16:35,412
And it's getting quiet in here,
I get why. Okay.

453
00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,080
So one day,
Dick comes into the store and he goes like,

454
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,957
"Hey, Matt, don't know
if you know this or not,

455
00:16:38,957 --> 00:16:40,417
"but I have tickets
to Buffalo Sabres.

456
00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:42,169
"I would like for you
to be my guest tonight.

457
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:43,837
"You should drive to my house
in Niagara Falls,

458
00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:45,130
"I'll drive from there.

459
00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:47,799
"What do you say?"

460
00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:49,760
So of course I'm like, "Well,
I gotta ask my parents first.

461
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,553
"Can I take your number?"
He's like, "Of course."

462
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:53,514
So he gives me his number.

463
00:16:53,514 --> 00:16:56,016
I go home and tell my parents
the exact description I just told you guys.

464
00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:57,267
And, of course,
my parents were like,

465
00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:58,310
"Mmm, have fun."

466
00:16:59,937 --> 00:17:01,438
C-plus decisions at best, right?

467
00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:03,815
So I go to this game with Dick.

468
00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:05,150
Now, I'm not sure you guys
are hockey fans or not.

469
00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:06,735
These are the best tickets
I ever had in my life.

470
00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:07,861
We're, like, right at the glass.

471
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:09,112
Guys getting checked
on the boards.

472
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:11,198
It is so much fun.

473
00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:13,575
And one of the biggest memories
that sticks out is, it's about the third period.

474
00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:15,619
Dick would always, like
reach in his pocket, okay,

475
00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:18,622
and he'd pull out these, like,
Sunbelt granola bars.

476
00:17:18,622 --> 00:17:20,040
Does anyone know what those are?

477
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,333
Did you grow up poor?
You know what I'm laughing at?

478
00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:22,793
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you don't know what they are,

479
00:17:22,793 --> 00:17:24,169
they're, like,
the worst granola bar on the planet.

480
00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:26,547
Like, you can buy 20
for, like, $1.29.

481
00:17:26,547 --> 00:17:28,048
They are dog shit.

482
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:31,593
And he pulled them out,
they'd be, like, warm and sweaty,

483
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:34,012
and he'd be like,
"Would you like some?"

484
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:36,265
I know, at the time, I was like,
"Oh, my God, free food, too?

485
00:17:36,265 --> 00:17:39,059
"This is the greatest night
of my life."

486
00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:42,354
And so I just sit there
and you see these warm, sweaty granola bars.

487
00:17:43,647 --> 00:17:45,232
And here it goes again.

488
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:47,609
You guys are like,
"Please don't do this.

489
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:50,529
"This isn't therapy.
Save that for your Monday morning session."

490
00:17:50,529 --> 00:17:52,447
But, I'm telling you guys
as a group right now,

491
00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:54,867
just to breathe, relax.
You know why?

492
00:17:55,576 --> 00:17:56,660
'Cause nothing happened.

493
00:17:59,872 --> 00:18:00,831
Yeah, no.

494
00:18:02,541 --> 00:18:05,752
- Oh, I'm sure.
Nothing happened. - [AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS]

495
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,754
Well, I just think
it's important for you to hear

496
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,173
these stories as well,
that's all.

497
00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:13,427
'Cause, right,
you don't hear these stories that often, do you?

498
00:18:13,427 --> 00:18:15,345
But they're out there.
They're out there.

499
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,389
Sometimes, the old man
takes you to Sabres games,

500
00:18:17,389 --> 00:18:19,141
feeds you granola bars,

501
00:18:19,141 --> 00:18:20,767
and then just leaves you alone,
you know?

502
00:18:23,187 --> 00:18:24,521
Now, here's the thing.

503
00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:27,524
Did he molest someone else?
Probably. Probably.

504
00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:31,320
Wasn't this guy.
That's all I give a shit about, right?

505
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:35,157
Guess what, he took me
to ten more Sabres games after that, by the way.

506
00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:37,326
Ten. I did the math one day,
how much money he spent on me.

507
00:18:37,326 --> 00:18:39,328
Like, $7,000.

508
00:18:39,328 --> 00:18:40,787
Yeah, I see
your faces right now.

509
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,497
Even I was like, by game ten,
even I was like,

510
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:44,291
"Hey, man, like,
do you want to touch it or something?

511
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:46,043
"I feel weird. I don't know.

512
00:18:46,043 --> 00:18:48,587
"What do I do?
All I do is take and take.

513
00:18:48,587 --> 00:18:51,006
"Have a tug.
Do what you gotta do, man."

514
00:18:51,006 --> 00:18:53,634
Oh, my gosh, you guys
ever watch like a video from a long time ago,

515
00:18:53,634 --> 00:18:55,511
and you have a certain
response to that video

516
00:18:55,511 --> 00:18:57,596
and you see it again
years later, and you read the comments,

517
00:18:57,596 --> 00:18:59,515
you go, "Did I have
the wrong response to that video?"

518
00:18:59,515 --> 00:19:01,016
One of my favorite
videos of all time,

519
00:19:01,016 --> 00:19:02,643
you might remember this,
happened in Cleveland, Ohio.

520
00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:05,812
There's this bus driver,
and he's, like, probably in his late 70s.

521
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:08,315
And there's this woman
and she, like, verbally assaulted him.

522
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,526
And, at one point,
she spit on his face.

523
00:19:10,526 --> 00:19:13,612
All right? And he goes,
"Ah, you're going to town now,"

524
00:19:13,612 --> 00:19:17,699
and he uppercut her
and then threw her off the bus.

525
00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:19,326
All right,
some people are laughing. You're my people.

526
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,662
Yeah. You work
in customer service, right?

527
00:19:21,662 --> 00:19:23,413
That's how that goes
right there. Right?

528
00:19:23,413 --> 00:19:25,123
I'm on your side.
I thought it was the funniest video of all time.

529
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:26,750
I watched it
for eight months straight.

530
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:29,461
I watched all the remix videos.
I loved it.

531
00:19:29,461 --> 00:19:31,213
And then I forgot about it.

532
00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:33,549
And then about a month ago,
it showed up in my algorithm again.

533
00:19:33,549 --> 00:19:35,676
And for, like I said,
the first time I read the comments

534
00:19:35,676 --> 00:19:37,386
and people were divided.

535
00:19:37,386 --> 00:19:39,137
Like, kind of like
this room, tonight. I feel the energy, right?

536
00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,722
There's some people
who love the bus driver.

537
00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:43,392
They're like, "Yes, Queen!"
They love this guy.

538
00:19:43,392 --> 00:19:45,561
And there's other people,
like, no matter what the situation,

539
00:19:45,561 --> 00:19:47,187
you can never hit a woman.

540
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,815
I was like, "Ohh,
that's also true."

541
00:19:49,815 --> 00:19:52,317
So I was divided.
I go, "Whose side am I on?"

542
00:19:52,317 --> 00:19:54,862
And at the end of the day,
all right, I'm still on the bus driver's side.

543
00:19:54,862 --> 00:19:56,196
Because right before we hit her,

544
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:59,616
he was like, "Ah!
You're going to town now."

545
00:19:59,616 --> 00:20:01,285
And I just love
a good catchphrase, you guys.

546
00:20:01,285 --> 00:20:03,120
I love a catchphrase.

547
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,705
Love a catchphrase, so.

548
00:20:04,705 --> 00:20:06,999
And public service,
this is takeaway from my show tonight.

549
00:20:06,999 --> 00:20:08,709
If you're about to hit someone,
it's not kosher,

550
00:20:08,709 --> 00:20:10,377
just yell a catchphrase, right?

551
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:12,921
Just like,
"These bananas are ripe," and just go for it, right?

552
00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:16,258
People will be like,
"He just hit that kid,

553
00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:17,968
"but that was a fun catchphrase.
I enjoyed that."

554
00:20:19,261 --> 00:20:20,762
Maybe I'm mental. I don't know.

555
00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:23,348
Sometimes I think
I need to get on pills.

556
00:20:23,348 --> 00:20:25,100
I definitely feel it's time.

557
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:29,021
My brain will run wild
with, like, just paranoia, you know? Like...

558
00:20:29,021 --> 00:20:30,480
So, yeah,
I've been married for nine years.

559
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,024
Here's a paranoia
that I have a lot.

560
00:20:32,024 --> 00:20:33,942
My wife, whenever she
goes out with people from work,

561
00:20:33,942 --> 00:20:36,153
my only, like...
I don't wanna say rule, that's weird.

562
00:20:36,153 --> 00:20:37,821
But my only... I ask her. I go,

563
00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:40,324
"Just text me.
Let me know you got home safe."

564
00:20:40,324 --> 00:20:41,700
A lot of couples
have that thing.

565
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:43,702
99.9% time, she remembers,

566
00:20:43,702 --> 00:20:45,996
but the 0.01% that she forgets,

567
00:20:45,996 --> 00:20:47,789
my... It's insane.

568
00:20:47,789 --> 00:20:49,499
The last time it happened,
I'm gonna tell you exactly what happened.

569
00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:51,418
It was at midnight.
She's texting me.

570
00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:53,712
"Leaving soon."
"Cool. Let me know when you get home."

571
00:20:53,712 --> 00:20:55,214
It's one o'clock now.
Now it's 1:30.

572
00:20:55,214 --> 00:20:56,507
Now it's 2:00 a.m.
in the morning.

573
00:20:56,507 --> 00:20:58,091
I don't hear from her.
She's not texting me.

574
00:20:58,091 --> 00:20:59,718
So of course,
my brain is like, "Oh, my God.

575
00:20:59,718 --> 00:21:01,553
"She's probably
walking back from the metro,

576
00:21:01,553 --> 00:21:04,806
"and there's some murderer
that just started murdering her.

577
00:21:04,806 --> 00:21:06,141
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

578
00:21:06,141 --> 00:21:08,894
"Now she's murdered,

579
00:21:08,894 --> 00:21:10,979
"and I will never see
my wife alive again."

580
00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:12,231
I am freaking out.

581
00:21:12,231 --> 00:21:14,149
And most people go like,
"You're being insane."

582
00:21:14,149 --> 00:21:15,692
Not me. I just went,
have you ever done that?

583
00:21:15,692 --> 00:21:18,403
I went deeper
and deeper into the scenario.

584
00:21:18,403 --> 00:21:19,530
Like, here's where we're at now.

585
00:21:19,530 --> 00:21:20,697
"They caught the murderer!"

586
00:21:22,783 --> 00:21:24,660
Yes, the murderer
has now been caught.

587
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:27,371
Which, first of all,
great job by law enforcement,

588
00:21:27,371 --> 00:21:28,539
all right? Great job.

589
00:21:28,539 --> 00:21:30,040
They solved it in 48 hours?

590
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,167
That's hard.
That's a hard thing to do.

591
00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:34,169
But now, he's going
to trial and get this,

592
00:21:34,169 --> 00:21:35,587
they mess up the investigation.

593
00:21:35,587 --> 00:21:37,756
They messed up, of course
they did, police these days.

594
00:21:37,756 --> 00:21:41,844
So now, he might go to jail
for seven to ten years, what the media is saying.

595
00:21:41,844 --> 00:21:43,595
Seven to ten? That's my wife.

596
00:21:43,595 --> 00:21:45,347
That's my, that's my love.
What would you do? So here's what I do.

597
00:21:45,347 --> 00:21:47,307
One day, I was at the courtroom,

598
00:21:47,307 --> 00:21:49,601
I have a big knife on me,
big knife.

599
00:21:49,601 --> 00:21:51,270
I got a good deal.
Big knife, though,

600
00:21:51,270 --> 00:21:52,855
and I wait for him and I stab,

601
00:21:52,855 --> 00:21:53,939
I stab real good, I get him.

602
00:21:53,939 --> 00:21:55,732
I got... Yeah, it's, it's solid.

603
00:21:55,732 --> 00:21:57,109
So of course he's like, "Why?"

604
00:21:57,109 --> 00:21:58,569
I'm like, "I think
you know why."

605
00:21:58,569 --> 00:22:00,779
So, so he dies.

606
00:22:00,779 --> 00:22:02,531
It's, "Yay, victory!"

607
00:22:02,531 --> 00:22:05,200
But listen, you can't go
murdering people in the U.S. yet, not yet.

608
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:06,451
We'll see what happens
next election,

609
00:22:06,451 --> 00:22:08,537
but you know, so...

610
00:22:08,537 --> 00:22:10,080
So then they send me to prison.

611
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:11,248
They send me to prison.

612
00:22:11,248 --> 00:22:13,292
This guy, I'm not
gonna do well in prison.

613
00:22:13,292 --> 00:22:16,211
I'm scared of all of you.
What am I gonna do in prison, right?

614
00:22:16,211 --> 00:22:18,422
But then I think about it.
I go, "Hey, the first day of prison."

615
00:22:18,422 --> 00:22:20,465
This is what they tell you.
Go up to the biggest guy in prison.

616
00:22:20,465 --> 00:22:22,092
You act like a psycho.
Just go... [SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

617
00:22:22,092 --> 00:22:23,760
Start smacking him,
right and then,

618
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,721
what he'll tell his boys, like,
"Stay away from that guy."

619
00:22:25,721 --> 00:22:27,055
And that's how
I survive in prison.

620
00:22:28,515 --> 00:22:30,267
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

621
00:22:30,267 --> 00:22:32,895
And at that very moment,
my phone goes off and it's her.

622
00:22:32,895 --> 00:22:34,521
It's like, "Hey,
you're having a great time.

623
00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:35,898
"Be home in a half-an-hour."

624
00:22:37,316 --> 00:22:39,401
I'm like, "Oh, my God.

625
00:22:39,401 --> 00:22:41,028
"She's fucking somebody else."

626
00:22:41,028 --> 00:22:41,987
I cannot...

627
00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:47,326
And that's why
I need to be on pills.

628
00:22:47,326 --> 00:22:50,621
And listen, this is my only
couple's advice I'm gonna give tonight. Okay?

629
00:22:50,621 --> 00:22:52,873
We're all a little insane.

630
00:22:52,873 --> 00:22:55,542
If anyone, if you ever walk up
to someone and go, "Hey, do you feel like you're...

631
00:22:55,542 --> 00:22:57,878
"You're a normal person?"
And they're like, "I think I'm pretty normal,"

632
00:22:57,878 --> 00:23:00,672
stay away from that person.
They're insane, all right?

633
00:23:00,672 --> 00:23:02,132
But couples,
we're all kind of...

634
00:23:02,132 --> 00:23:04,426
The problem with the couples,
here's what you do.

635
00:23:04,426 --> 00:23:07,179
You just can't be crazy
on the same day.

636
00:23:07,179 --> 00:23:08,639
Does that make sense?

637
00:23:08,639 --> 00:23:10,974
Like, I take, like,
Thursday through Sunday,

638
00:23:10,974 --> 00:23:13,352
and she tastes, like, Monday
through Wednesday, and it works.

639
00:23:13,352 --> 00:23:15,062
Sometimes we switch it up,
too, you know.

640
00:23:15,062 --> 00:23:17,022
She had a Wednesday moment.
I'm gonna tell you about this one.

641
00:23:17,022 --> 00:23:18,315
She's driving home
from work one day,

642
00:23:18,315 --> 00:23:19,566
and she's on speakerphone.

643
00:23:19,566 --> 00:23:20,859
And all of a sudden,
she's, like, panicky.

644
00:23:20,859 --> 00:23:22,903
And she goes,
"Oh, my God, Matt, I gotta go.

645
00:23:22,903 --> 00:23:23,987
"I could blow up."

646
00:23:25,948 --> 00:23:27,533
Right? And it's like,
"Are you in Fallujah?

647
00:23:27,533 --> 00:23:29,117
"Where you at right now?
What's happening?

648
00:23:29,117 --> 00:23:30,452
"You take a wrong turn?"

649
00:23:30,452 --> 00:23:32,412
And she goes, "No, no,
I'm at a gas station,

650
00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:35,332
"and I feel like
I read somewhere

651
00:23:35,332 --> 00:23:38,710
"that if you're, if you're
pumping gas on your phone,

652
00:23:38,710 --> 00:23:42,506
"you're just...
[MIMICS EXPLOSION] Just blow up."

653
00:23:42,506 --> 00:23:43,966
Some people
are laughing pretty hard.

654
00:23:43,966 --> 00:23:45,843
- Yeah, yeah.
Does anyone believe it? - WOMAN 1: Yes.

655
00:23:45,843 --> 00:23:47,761
- Good. You kind of do?
- WOMAN 2: Heard it.

656
00:23:47,761 --> 00:23:49,263
You've heard it.
Okay, that's, and that's great.

657
00:23:49,263 --> 00:23:50,889
This, I like telling this story

658
00:23:50,889 --> 00:23:52,808
because I think
it's very important for people to hear this.

659
00:23:52,808 --> 00:23:54,434
And then
you're gonna feel so good.

660
00:23:54,434 --> 00:23:56,687
If that were the case,
there would be an epidemic of people

661
00:23:56,687 --> 00:23:58,856
just blowing up
across the country, right?

662
00:23:58,856 --> 00:24:00,232
Like, this whole room

663
00:24:00,232 --> 00:24:02,150
would have seen about
17 happen this year already,

664
00:24:02,150 --> 00:24:04,486
which would be incredible.

665
00:24:04,486 --> 00:24:06,071
Have fun with it.
Am I coming across as someone

666
00:24:06,071 --> 00:24:07,823
that doesn't wanna see people
blow up at gas stations?

667
00:24:09,283 --> 00:24:10,534
Am I? No, I would love to.

668
00:24:10,534 --> 00:24:12,703
How fun would that be,
to drive by some Sunoco,

669
00:24:12,703 --> 00:24:15,038
some man, like,
just explodes at the pump?

670
00:24:15,038 --> 00:24:17,666
And you're just like, "Ha-ha,
get off your phone, jackass."

671
00:24:17,666 --> 00:24:18,625
Right? Like...

672
00:24:19,501 --> 00:24:21,086
"Be in the moment." You know?

673
00:24:23,714 --> 00:24:27,050
I was disappointed in her,
I think, is the right word

674
00:24:27,050 --> 00:24:28,635
'cause she just
immediately was like,

675
00:24:28,635 --> 00:24:30,554
"I'm hanging up the phone,"
and she just hung up the phone.

676
00:24:30,554 --> 00:24:33,640
I'm like,
"I'm married to Crazy Lady for the rest of my life."

677
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,185
She could be a mother one day.
[LAUGHS]

678
00:24:36,185 --> 00:24:38,020
But here's what happened.
Fifty minutes went by,

679
00:24:38,020 --> 00:24:39,396
she didn't call me back.

680
00:24:39,396 --> 00:24:41,481
And now I'm the one,
"Oh, no. She blew up!

681
00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:43,275
"What the hell? No!

682
00:24:43,275 --> 00:24:45,611
"No, no, no.
I can't afford rent by myself.

683
00:24:45,611 --> 00:24:47,571
"That needs to be addressed
immediately." All right?

684
00:24:48,488 --> 00:24:49,573
I like how you guys get that.

685
00:24:49,573 --> 00:24:51,074
Yeah. Like D. C.
"Get on Craigslist."

686
00:24:51,074 --> 00:24:53,118
"It's expensive."
I know, oh, I know.

687
00:24:54,453 --> 00:24:56,205
I'm aware.

688
00:24:56,205 --> 00:24:58,707
So we've got a dog at home.
We've got a dog named Wilma at home.

689
00:24:58,707 --> 00:25:00,584
She's the best dog in the world.
I love dogs.

690
00:25:00,584 --> 00:25:02,377
The only thing
that's kind of stopped me

691
00:25:02,377 --> 00:25:05,172
from getting a dog
for the longest time is that dogs die before you.

692
00:25:05,172 --> 00:25:06,965
You just have to live with that
for the rest of your life.

693
00:25:06,965 --> 00:25:09,092
Yeah, yeah,
and I see people nodding right now, it's the worst.

694
00:25:09,092 --> 00:25:11,929
It's worse, let's be honest,
than losing a human being at times.

695
00:25:11,929 --> 00:25:14,598
My parents' basset hound
passed away about seven months ago,

696
00:25:14,598 --> 00:25:15,682
it is the worst day of my life.

697
00:25:15,682 --> 00:25:16,767
I had to go back
home to Buffalo,

698
00:25:16,767 --> 00:25:18,519
help bury her in the backyard.

699
00:25:18,519 --> 00:25:20,938
There's one point
I was sitting there, like, digging up dirt,

700
00:25:20,938 --> 00:25:23,774
just bawling my eyes out,
yelling at the skies, like,

701
00:25:23,774 --> 00:25:25,526
like, "Why wasn't it Grandma?"

702
00:25:25,526 --> 00:25:26,485
You know, like that.

703
00:25:27,653 --> 00:25:29,696
So much easier, right?

704
00:25:29,696 --> 00:25:31,532
She can't catch a Frisbee
and I've tried.

705
00:25:31,532 --> 00:25:33,951
I've certainly tried,
but every time,

706
00:25:33,951 --> 00:25:36,620
just blast her in the forehead,
you know.

707
00:25:36,620 --> 00:25:37,996
You're like,
"You're 80? You're giving up?

708
00:25:37,996 --> 00:25:40,082
"Is that how you're gonna be?
Mmm. You do you."

709
00:25:41,667 --> 00:25:43,585
Here's how much I love dogs.

710
00:25:43,585 --> 00:25:46,505
I was a dog walker in D.C.
for about two years, the best job in the world.

711
00:25:46,505 --> 00:25:49,007
And then I made a huge mistake
one day, I can never go back.

712
00:25:49,007 --> 00:25:50,342
This is embarrassing
to talk about right now.

713
00:25:50,342 --> 00:25:51,885
But basically,
I went to this condo

714
00:25:51,885 --> 00:25:53,512
and never been there
before in my life,

715
00:25:53,512 --> 00:25:55,472
I was there to walk a dog
named Sugar Bear.

716
00:25:55,472 --> 00:25:57,474
Yeah, Sugar Bear,
which is kind of a dumb name for a dog

717
00:25:57,474 --> 00:25:59,393
unless your dog's name
is Sugar Bear, then what a great name.

718
00:25:59,393 --> 00:26:01,019
Okay, and...

719
00:26:01,019 --> 00:26:02,104
So I have a key in my hand.

720
00:26:02,104 --> 00:26:03,897
I thought I was at 3818

721
00:26:03,897 --> 00:26:05,649
3018, go put the key in the door

722
00:26:05,649 --> 00:26:07,192
and the door just opened
on its own.

723
00:26:07,192 --> 00:26:09,319
So I go, "Whoa, so much easier."

724
00:26:09,319 --> 00:26:12,281
So I walk in
and no dog greets me.

725
00:26:12,281 --> 00:26:15,450
Which I'm like,
well, that's a little weird, but maybe the dog is sleeping,

726
00:26:15,450 --> 00:26:16,785
maybe it's hard of hearing.

727
00:26:16,785 --> 00:26:18,161
Plus, this is a condo
and you walk in,

728
00:26:18,161 --> 00:26:20,622
there's like ten steps
that go up the living room.

729
00:26:20,622 --> 00:26:22,207
Do you know what I mean?
So I can't see upstairs,

730
00:26:22,207 --> 00:26:24,376
so I just,
I just yelled the dog's name

731
00:26:24,376 --> 00:26:26,545
the way you yell
a dog's name as a man

732
00:26:26,545 --> 00:26:31,592
when you think, like,
nobody else is there to hear how you actually talk to dogs.

733
00:26:31,592 --> 00:26:33,427
I'm glad some guys
are laughing right now, right?

734
00:26:33,427 --> 00:26:36,138
I just walked in,
was like, "Sugar Bear!

735
00:26:37,431 --> 00:26:39,558
"Where's that baby Sugar Bear?"

736
00:26:41,351 --> 00:26:43,020
And I swear to God,
the top of the steps,

737
00:26:43,020 --> 00:26:44,479
a shadow appears,

738
00:26:44,479 --> 00:26:46,315
and it's not a dog shadow.
There's no tail.

739
00:26:46,315 --> 00:26:51,320
This, like,
85-year-old shaky lady just peeks around the corner

740
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:54,364
and all she says to me,
she's like, "I just woke up from a nap."

741
00:26:56,867 --> 00:26:58,994
And I just said the dumbest
thing I've said in my life.

742
00:26:58,994 --> 00:27:00,204
I was like, "Sugar Bear?"

743
00:27:00,204 --> 00:27:01,914
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING
AND LAUGHING]

744
00:27:02,998 --> 00:27:04,666
I agree,
I don't know why I said that.

745
00:27:05,459 --> 00:27:06,960
What is my brain thinking?

746
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:08,629
Are you a shape shifter,
Sugar Bear?

747
00:27:08,629 --> 00:27:10,088
Is that what happened
right there?

748
00:27:10,088 --> 00:27:11,673
Did we have a full moon
last night

749
00:27:11,673 --> 00:27:14,134
that I didn't hear about
for some reason?

750
00:27:14,134 --> 00:27:15,844
Are we caught up now?
I'm in the wrong house.

751
00:27:15,844 --> 00:27:17,554
Yeah. And now I'm terrified.

752
00:27:17,554 --> 00:27:20,140
If she drops dead,
that is my fault.

753
00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:22,643
That's breaking and entering,
involuntary manslaughter.

754
00:27:22,643 --> 00:27:24,686
I took Criminal Justice.
I know the law.

755
00:27:24,686 --> 00:27:26,355
So I am apologizing,

756
00:27:26,355 --> 00:27:28,232
"Ma'am, I'm so sorry.
I was here to walk a dog named Sugar Bear.

757
00:27:28,232 --> 00:27:30,943
And it's like, "I don't have
a dog." I'm like, "I'm aware."

758
00:27:30,943 --> 00:27:32,402
What do you say?
I'm like, "I'm so sorry.

759
00:27:32,402 --> 00:27:33,779
"I'm really sorry.
I'm so sorry again."

760
00:27:33,779 --> 00:27:35,072
So I shut her door.

761
00:27:35,072 --> 00:27:37,115
The door is shut.
The door is closed.

762
00:27:37,115 --> 00:27:40,410
We can all agree
as a group right now, just run.

763
00:27:40,410 --> 00:27:42,829
My whole life is ahead of me.
There's no witnesses.

764
00:27:42,829 --> 00:27:44,498
But I stood there
for almost, like, a minute,

765
00:27:44,498 --> 00:27:46,917
just going, "Matt,
you scared the hell out of that poor lady.

766
00:27:46,917 --> 00:27:48,126
"You need to say something.

767
00:27:48,126 --> 00:27:50,546
"Just say anything,
make her feel better."

768
00:27:50,546 --> 00:27:51,880
So this is what I said.

769
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,424
It's not great.
I just opened her door back up,

770
00:27:55,300 --> 00:27:58,262
walked back inside just to go,

771
00:27:58,262 --> 00:27:59,888
"Ma'am? Ma'am,

772
00:27:59,888 --> 00:28:01,849
"go back to sleep."

773
00:28:01,849 --> 00:28:06,228
And I just slowly
shut her door again.

774
00:28:06,228 --> 00:28:10,899
Is that not the creepiest thing
I could have said in that situation?

775
00:28:10,899 --> 00:28:13,944
Yeah, "Go back to sleep."
Like she'll ever sleep again in her life now.

776
00:28:13,944 --> 00:28:17,614
That is a traumatic experience
that I caused.

777
00:28:17,614 --> 00:28:21,451
Traumatic, and I think
about her almost daily.

778
00:28:21,451 --> 00:28:22,953
Daily, because you know,
why? I think about,

779
00:28:22,953 --> 00:28:24,288
like, what happened later
that day,

780
00:28:24,288 --> 00:28:25,873
like, her daughter
probably came over

781
00:28:25,873 --> 00:28:27,791
and was like,
"Hey, Mom, how was your day?"

782
00:28:27,791 --> 00:28:29,710
And she's like,
"A man came to the house,

783
00:28:30,669 --> 00:28:32,921
"he called me 'Sugar Bear'."

784
00:28:32,921 --> 00:28:34,506
And she's like, "Mother, enough.

785
00:28:34,506 --> 00:28:36,675
"You're going to the home.
That's it, Mother, I can't.

786
00:28:36,675 --> 00:28:38,218
"I'm done with this, Mother."

787
00:28:41,180 --> 00:28:43,682
I hope that didn't happen.

788
00:28:43,682 --> 00:28:45,642
I really am trying to stay
more optimistic in my life.

789
00:28:45,642 --> 00:28:47,227
It's hard, it's really hard,
you know.

790
00:28:47,227 --> 00:28:49,313
But I try to find one thing
a day to stay optimistic about.

791
00:28:49,313 --> 00:28:50,772
Here's something
I'm still optimistic about.

792
00:28:50,772 --> 00:28:52,733
This happened six months ago.
I was up in Minneapolis.

793
00:28:52,733 --> 00:28:55,068
I was in this casino
and I was, I was looking,

794
00:28:55,068 --> 00:28:56,695
I had to go to the bathroom
real fast before the show.

795
00:28:56,695 --> 00:28:58,322
There's no bathroom
in the green room.

796
00:28:58,322 --> 00:29:00,365
So I went up to the main floor,
walk in to the men's bathroom

797
00:29:00,365 --> 00:29:02,492
and before I walk in,
this, like, female janitor

798
00:29:02,492 --> 00:29:04,036
cut me off to go
clean the bathroom.

799
00:29:04,036 --> 00:29:06,872
Totally cool,
but also weird for a guy,

800
00:29:06,872 --> 00:29:08,123
'cause, right?
I just gotta piss.

801
00:29:08,123 --> 00:29:09,791
But I can't go in there now
and just, like,

802
00:29:09,791 --> 00:29:12,002
pull out in front of the urinal
in front of the female janitor.

803
00:29:12,002 --> 00:29:13,712
You know, I'm not that comic.

804
00:29:13,712 --> 00:29:15,839
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- So instead... All right, good job, Dallas.

805
00:29:15,839 --> 00:29:18,759
And, uh, [CHUCKLES]
so I walk into the stall,

806
00:29:18,759 --> 00:29:20,302
I do my business.

807
00:29:20,302 --> 00:29:22,513
About a minute later, I walk
out of the stall and at the sink

808
00:29:22,513 --> 00:29:25,516
also, there's, like, these two,
like, these two old ladies

809
00:29:25,516 --> 00:29:28,852
just sitting there
just washing their hands.

810
00:29:28,852 --> 00:29:30,354
So once again,
I'm like, "Sugar Bear?"

811
00:29:30,354 --> 00:29:32,689
Right? Like, what's that, right?
"Is that you again?"

812
00:29:32,689 --> 00:29:34,191
But I was like,
"What is going on?"

813
00:29:34,191 --> 00:29:36,610
I really was dumb.
I was like, "Is this Alzheimer's?

814
00:29:36,610 --> 00:29:37,903
"Do I have to call
for a silver alert?

815
00:29:37,903 --> 00:29:39,279
"What are they doing in here?"

816
00:29:39,279 --> 00:29:41,073
But then, I look to my right
and I look to my left,

817
00:29:41,073 --> 00:29:43,700
I was like, "Where,
where are all the urinals?"

818
00:29:43,700 --> 00:29:47,246
Uh-huh. And I go,
"Oh, no, you are in a woman's restroom,

819
00:29:47,246 --> 00:29:49,456
"and if they scream.
I think you go to jail."

820
00:29:49,456 --> 00:29:50,916
That's how that works, right?

821
00:29:50,916 --> 00:29:52,584
But here's the thing.
They weren't screaming.

822
00:29:52,584 --> 00:29:55,003
They're almost confused by me.
They're like "Mmm", like that.

823
00:29:55,003 --> 00:29:56,338
So I was like,
"Can I get out of this?"

824
00:29:56,338 --> 00:29:58,131
So this is dumb, but it worked.

825
00:29:58,131 --> 00:30:00,384
I just, like, saluted them
like they're part of the military, right?

826
00:30:00,384 --> 00:30:02,135
"Hey, thank you
for your service."

827
00:30:02,135 --> 00:30:05,013
And just, like,
ran out of the bathroom and they didn't scream.

828
00:30:05,681 --> 00:30:07,474
They didn't scream.

829
00:30:07,474 --> 00:30:09,393
That's why I stay optimistic.

830
00:30:09,393 --> 00:30:10,936
You're like, what the hell
are you talking about?

831
00:30:10,936 --> 00:30:12,646
Here's what I'm talking about.
I think ten years ago,

832
00:30:12,646 --> 00:30:14,940
those ladies,
they'd probably scream, they'd absolutely scream.

833
00:30:14,940 --> 00:30:16,400
But now, I think
they looked at me,

834
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,485
they processed the information
and probably just went,

835
00:30:18,485 --> 00:30:20,070
"Eh! She's
probably transitioning.

836
00:30:20,070 --> 00:30:22,030
"All right? That's it.
Good for her.

837
00:30:22,030 --> 00:30:24,199
"Good for her,
the beard's got to go, but she'll get there.

838
00:30:24,199 --> 00:30:25,993
"She'll get there.

839
00:30:25,993 --> 00:30:27,828
"Mmm. We are
so woke, Gwendolyn."

840
00:30:27,828 --> 00:30:29,162
Yeah, it's probably just that.

841
00:30:30,622 --> 00:30:31,957
I appreciate that.

842
00:30:31,957 --> 00:30:33,292
And you guys, once again,
you guys are nice people.

843
00:30:33,292 --> 00:30:35,210
I'm trying to be
a better person.

844
00:30:35,210 --> 00:30:37,004
I think it's so important,
and I think... I've seen the audience tonight.

845
00:30:37,004 --> 00:30:38,380
Everyone seems like a nice...

846
00:30:38,380 --> 00:30:41,341
My problem is, is
when I try to be extra nice,

847
00:30:41,341 --> 00:30:44,428
I feel like people
take advantage of me and then I get mad.

848
00:30:44,428 --> 00:30:46,013
And I don't want
to be that person either.

849
00:30:46,013 --> 00:30:48,140
Like, we have a pretty big
homeless population in D.C.,

850
00:30:48,140 --> 00:30:50,350
as you're all well aware,
and I try to help when I can.

851
00:30:50,350 --> 00:30:51,935
But I was going
to this pizza shop one day.

852
00:30:51,935 --> 00:30:53,353
There's this
homeless guy outside

853
00:30:53,353 --> 00:30:55,480
and he goes like, "Hey, man,
I need money for the bus.

854
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:57,316
"Do you have $10 or $20 on you?"

855
00:30:59,151 --> 00:31:01,028
I was like, "Oh, my God,
are you trying to buy the bus?"

856
00:31:01,028 --> 00:31:03,155
What's happening
right now, right?

857
00:31:03,155 --> 00:31:05,282
That is a lot of money,
and here's the thing I did,

858
00:31:05,282 --> 00:31:06,825
but I go,
something feels off about that.

859
00:31:06,825 --> 00:31:08,285
I'll go, "Listen, man, I don't,

860
00:31:08,285 --> 00:31:09,953
"but I'm about
to get a slice of pizza.

861
00:31:09,953 --> 00:31:12,372
I'll get you a slice
of pizza, too. Is that cool?"

862
00:31:12,372 --> 00:31:15,626
And he goes,
[ANGRILY] "Yeah, fine."

863
00:31:15,626 --> 00:31:17,711
I'm like, "I guess it's one way
to say thank you?" All right.

864
00:31:17,711 --> 00:31:19,129
So I'm already feeling
a little annoyed.

865
00:31:19,129 --> 00:31:20,964
I don't think
he's appreciating me for how humble

866
00:31:20,964 --> 00:31:22,591
and generous I'm being, right?

867
00:31:22,591 --> 00:31:25,761
So I walk in, I go, "Let me
get one slice of pepperoni,

868
00:31:25,761 --> 00:31:27,304
"and then whatever
this guy would like,"

869
00:31:27,304 --> 00:31:28,931
and he walks up so confidently,
he goes,

870
00:31:28,931 --> 00:31:30,807
"Let me get three slices
of meat lovers".

871
00:31:32,476 --> 00:31:35,479
Uh-huh? I didn't say three.

872
00:31:35,479 --> 00:31:38,815
But now, I'm in a pickle,
'cause I can't be the guy that yelled at the homeless guy.

873
00:31:38,815 --> 00:31:40,817
Like, "No, no, no.
I said one slice of pizza!"

874
00:31:40,817 --> 00:31:43,362
I can't...
You can't be that guy either.

875
00:31:43,362 --> 00:31:47,533
So I paid, I paid for his pizza,
it cost me $16.75.

876
00:31:47,533 --> 00:31:48,742
That man taught me a lesson.

877
00:31:48,742 --> 00:31:50,118
He's like,
"Just give me $10 for the bus.

878
00:31:50,118 --> 00:31:51,995
"You could save $6.75."

879
00:31:51,995 --> 00:31:54,414
I'm like, [CHUCKLES]
"You're an economics professor.

880
00:31:54,414 --> 00:31:55,374
"That's who you are."

881
00:31:57,292 --> 00:31:59,545
I got to stick up
for myself more, too, you know.

882
00:31:59,545 --> 00:32:01,004
Sometimes...

883
00:32:01,004 --> 00:32:02,548
Sometimes I know
I'm supposed to stand up for myself,

884
00:32:02,548 --> 00:32:04,258
and I apologize.

885
00:32:04,258 --> 00:32:06,426
I stayed at this hotel recently,
won't even say the name of hotel,

886
00:32:06,426 --> 00:32:07,761
normally a good hotel chain.

887
00:32:07,761 --> 00:32:09,304
But I check into my room,
it's, like, midnight,

888
00:32:09,304 --> 00:32:11,181
and I look at my comforter,
and I was like, "What is it?"

889
00:32:11,181 --> 00:32:13,684
There's, like, two dead
cockroaches on my comforter.

890
00:32:13,684 --> 00:32:15,686
Exactly. I gotta say something.

891
00:32:15,686 --> 00:32:18,146
So I went
to the front desk dude, and I immediately go,

892
00:32:18,146 --> 00:32:19,565
"Hey, man, I'm really sorry."

893
00:32:19,565 --> 00:32:21,900
I apologize, that's how
I started the conversation.

894
00:32:21,900 --> 00:32:25,195
I said I'm sorry. Like I put
the cockroaches there, right?

895
00:32:25,195 --> 00:32:27,155
And I go, "Hey, man,
I'm really sorry, but I just found, like,

896
00:32:27,155 --> 00:32:29,867
"two dead cockroaches
on my comforter."

897
00:32:29,867 --> 00:32:31,618
And he goes,
"Oh, no, no, no, sir."

898
00:32:31,618 --> 00:32:32,703
"Those are stink bugs."

899
00:32:33,745 --> 00:32:36,123
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

900
00:32:36,123 --> 00:32:40,335
I was like, "Are we not debating
that there's insects in my room anymore?

901
00:32:40,335 --> 00:32:43,297
"You're going after
my inability to identify which insect that is?"

902
00:32:43,297 --> 00:32:45,257
That would've be funny
if I did say that, that was comedy.

903
00:32:45,257 --> 00:32:46,842
But you know what I did say?
I go, "No!"

904
00:32:46,842 --> 00:32:48,427
I just went back
to my fucking room.

905
00:32:48,427 --> 00:32:49,636
I was like, "All right.

906
00:32:49,636 --> 00:32:51,930
"Guess I have roommates now.

907
00:32:51,930 --> 00:32:53,682
"Wait, do they get
the hotel points?

908
00:32:53,682 --> 00:32:55,809
"I still want those.
They don't get the... I paid for the room."

909
00:32:57,102 --> 00:32:58,520
I'm happy, I'm happily married.

910
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:00,689
You know, I was never good
at being single. I wasn't.

911
00:33:00,689 --> 00:33:02,274
I was never, like...
There's some...

912
00:33:02,274 --> 00:33:04,276
I have some friends
who are, like, good at being single.

913
00:33:04,276 --> 00:33:06,987
They're totally cool
with having one night stands.

914
00:33:06,987 --> 00:33:09,865
I don't,
I don't have the physique to be in a one night stand

915
00:33:09,865 --> 00:33:11,783
if it gets, like, scary.

916
00:33:11,783 --> 00:33:13,869
You know, 'cause I had
a couple... I don't want to kink shame right now.

917
00:33:13,869 --> 00:33:15,245
I had a couple weird
one night stands.

918
00:33:15,245 --> 00:33:17,039
The weirdest one I ever had
is this girl one time,

919
00:33:17,039 --> 00:33:18,790
it's years ago.
You know, we have a good night,

920
00:33:18,790 --> 00:33:20,501
we go to my hotel room,

921
00:33:20,501 --> 00:33:23,128
and there's no cockroaches
in the bed. Great.

922
00:33:23,128 --> 00:33:25,005
And, you know,
we're in the bedroom

923
00:33:25,005 --> 00:33:26,381
and we're doing doing our best.

924
00:33:26,381 --> 00:33:28,175
We're having fun, you know.
We're going at it for,

925
00:33:28,175 --> 00:33:29,384
you know, five minutes...

926
00:33:30,344 --> 00:33:31,428
For the sake of the story.

927
00:33:31,428 --> 00:33:32,846
- Yeah?
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

928
00:33:32,846 --> 00:33:34,556
You weren't there.
You don't know, right?

929
00:33:35,599 --> 00:33:37,017
I can add a few minutes, right?

930
00:33:38,477 --> 00:33:39,853
I'm Superman in this story.

931
00:33:39,853 --> 00:33:42,689
So, I'm doing,
I'm giving it a good...

932
00:33:42,689 --> 00:33:44,233
I'm giving a good session,
all right?

933
00:33:44,233 --> 00:33:45,776
You know, like,
I'm not bringing it.

934
00:33:45,776 --> 00:33:48,070
But also, like, if I was a car
and I went by a cop,

935
00:33:48,070 --> 00:33:49,530
he's like, "He's five miles
over the speed limit.

936
00:33:49,530 --> 00:33:51,782
"Good for him.
You know, he's trying."

937
00:33:51,782 --> 00:33:53,408
And all of a sudden, she's like,

938
00:33:53,408 --> 00:33:54,952
I'm on top, she's underneath me,

939
00:33:54,952 --> 00:33:56,787
and also she's getting, like,
a little... just aggressive,

940
00:33:56,787 --> 00:33:59,456
like, she's kinda getting
like, "Yeah, yes!"

941
00:33:59,456 --> 00:34:01,291
She's kind of...
It's almost, you ever see

942
00:34:01,291 --> 00:34:03,377
when two dudebros
about to fight each other,

943
00:34:03,377 --> 00:34:04,795
but they're not fighting yet.

944
00:34:04,795 --> 00:34:06,588
They're just kinda like...
Like that?

945
00:34:06,588 --> 00:34:08,340
I was like, you see?
So, of course, I'm like, "Is she having a seizure?

946
00:34:08,340 --> 00:34:09,633
"What's happening
right here, right?"

947
00:34:09,633 --> 00:34:10,968
But it also felt very good
on my dick.

948
00:34:10,968 --> 00:34:12,427
So I go,
"I'm gonna keep going. I don't know.

949
00:34:12,427 --> 00:34:14,054
"She's an adult,
she'll let me know, right?"

950
00:34:14,054 --> 00:34:15,222
So I keep going.

951
00:34:15,222 --> 00:34:16,473
And also she's like,
"Yeah, motherfucker.

952
00:34:16,473 --> 00:34:18,767
"Yeah, motherfucker.
Yeah, motherfucker!"

953
00:34:18,767 --> 00:34:20,978
I don't really like her
calling me "motherfucker"

954
00:34:20,978 --> 00:34:23,564
but I'm like,
"Yeah, I guess so, you know." I don't know what this is about.

955
00:34:23,564 --> 00:34:25,983
So I keep,
and all of a sudden, she reached back

956
00:34:25,983 --> 00:34:29,570
and she slaps me
across the face hard.

957
00:34:29,570 --> 00:34:31,822
Ow! Owie!
Right? I didn't like...

958
00:34:31,822 --> 00:34:34,283
And then she goes,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

959
00:34:34,283 --> 00:34:36,577
"Choke me. Choke me.
I want you to choke me."

960
00:34:37,286 --> 00:34:38,537
Which, first of all, no!

961
00:34:38,537 --> 00:34:39,913
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

962
00:34:39,913 --> 00:34:41,999
I've just met this girl,
I'm not going to choke her.

963
00:34:41,999 --> 00:34:43,584
What if I did choke her,
and she goes to the cops

964
00:34:43,584 --> 00:34:44,918
like, "Look what he did to me."

965
00:34:44,918 --> 00:34:46,753
And then, you've got
to go to prison once again.

966
00:34:46,753 --> 00:34:48,839
"Ow! Owie!" Right?

967
00:34:48,839 --> 00:34:51,008
Am I gonna smack
the biggest guy in prison again?

968
00:34:51,008 --> 00:34:52,509
All right. It's all full circle.

969
00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:55,387
But I also want people
to feel joy.

970
00:34:55,387 --> 00:34:56,680
[WOMAN LAUGHS]

971
00:34:56,680 --> 00:34:58,098
We've talked about this tonight.

972
00:34:58,098 --> 00:35:00,100
I want people to be happy.

973
00:35:00,100 --> 00:35:03,270
So what I did is very, very
spur of the moment decision.

974
00:35:03,270 --> 00:35:05,480
I... It's dumb,
but I thought it would work,

975
00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:08,650
I really thought,
I put my left hand around her neck, okay?

976
00:35:08,650 --> 00:35:10,235
But I didn't actually choke her.

977
00:35:10,235 --> 00:35:13,655
I just made
like a choking face and sound at her instead.

978
00:35:13,655 --> 00:35:17,826
You know, I started to go...
[YELLS] Like that, right?

979
00:35:17,826 --> 00:35:19,703
But no actual choking.
Just, like, the face.

980
00:35:19,703 --> 00:35:21,288
[GROANS]

981
00:35:21,288 --> 00:35:23,207
I was like, "Oh, no,
my big teeth!" I was like... [YELLS]

982
00:35:24,875 --> 00:35:27,920
And of course,
she immediately was like, "What are you doing?"

983
00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:30,839
But I stay committed,
I was like... [GROANS] Like that!

984
00:35:30,839 --> 00:35:33,050
And she was like, "Dude!"
And I was like... [SOFT GROANS]

985
00:35:34,551 --> 00:35:36,637
And she goes, "Well,
I guess we're finished."

986
00:35:36,637 --> 00:35:38,430
I was like, "Well, I just came."

987
00:35:38,430 --> 00:35:39,973
That was really, like, ugh.

988
00:35:39,973 --> 00:35:41,517
I'm into that,
if you want to know.

989
00:35:42,601 --> 00:35:43,977
[CHUCKLES] I don't know.

990
00:35:45,187 --> 00:35:46,730
All right.

991
00:35:46,730 --> 00:35:48,524
Here we go.
This, this is the... This is the dismount.

992
00:35:48,524 --> 00:35:50,984
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

993
00:35:50,984 --> 00:35:51,944
And I...

994
00:35:53,237 --> 00:35:55,364
Specifically chose Dallas
for this reason...

995
00:35:55,364 --> 00:35:57,950
- [WOMAN WHOOPS]
- ...because, well...

996
00:35:57,950 --> 00:36:00,744
Here's why. I got booed
about this bit

997
00:36:00,744 --> 00:36:03,956
about three months ago
in Florida.

998
00:36:04,998 --> 00:36:07,501
So, Texas, don't ruin it.

999
00:36:07,501 --> 00:36:09,044
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1000
00:36:09,044 --> 00:36:11,004
This is probably my fault, too.

1001
00:36:11,004 --> 00:36:12,256
I probably said it
the wrong way.

1002
00:36:12,256 --> 00:36:14,299
So, I'm not
a very religious person, okay.

1003
00:36:14,299 --> 00:36:16,093
But I'm also not against faith.

1004
00:36:16,093 --> 00:36:19,096
Does that make sense?
I find organized religion to have a few flaws.

1005
00:36:20,180 --> 00:36:21,682
Nice way to put it.

1006
00:36:21,682 --> 00:36:25,352
Here's one. My dad
got denied baptism five years ago.

1007
00:36:25,352 --> 00:36:27,479
- Yeah. Exactly. Did you know
that is a thing? - WOMAN: Yeah.

1008
00:36:27,479 --> 00:36:29,773
'Cause I just thought
you show up and you go, "I want to be baptized,"

1009
00:36:29,773 --> 00:36:31,400
and the church is like,
"We can use your money.

1010
00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:33,944
"Get in here." Like, I thought
that's how it worked.

1011
00:36:33,944 --> 00:36:36,154
But my mom is going
to this Baptist church for a while,

1012
00:36:36,154 --> 00:36:37,906
my dad's a very simple guy.

1013
00:36:37,906 --> 00:36:39,783
So she told him, she goes,
"You should become a Baptist as well."

1014
00:36:39,783 --> 00:36:42,035
And my dad goes, "Okay."
He thought that was it.

1015
00:36:42,035 --> 00:36:45,497
But at this church,
you have, like, a three-week training course.

1016
00:36:45,497 --> 00:36:48,333
I don't... So he went
for a class one hour a week,

1017
00:36:48,333 --> 00:36:49,793
and they, it was just people...

1018
00:36:49,793 --> 00:36:51,837
They're just people,
not even the higher-ups.

1019
00:36:51,837 --> 00:36:54,339
Which I don't think
they call them higher-ups as I say that out loud.

1020
00:36:54,339 --> 00:36:56,091
But you get my point.

1021
00:36:56,091 --> 00:36:57,801
So the last class
my dad went for,

1022
00:36:57,801 --> 00:36:59,303
along with three people
who belonged to the church.

1023
00:36:59,303 --> 00:37:01,054
They asked a bunch of questions.

1024
00:37:01,054 --> 00:37:03,140
And the last question
they asked him, they go, "Sir, when you die,

1025
00:37:03,140 --> 00:37:04,933
"do you think
you'll go to heaven?"

1026
00:37:04,933 --> 00:37:07,978
And my dad goes,
"Oh, I hope so."

1027
00:37:07,978 --> 00:37:10,272
And they go, "Huh.
You've fucking failed!" Uh...

1028
00:37:11,857 --> 00:37:13,817
They didn't say "fuck"
but you get my point, right?

1029
00:37:13,817 --> 00:37:16,486
They told my father,
"That is the wrong answer,

1030
00:37:16,486 --> 00:37:18,071
"you need to retake the course."

1031
00:37:18,071 --> 00:37:20,449
No, it's not.
That is not the wrong answer!

1032
00:37:20,449 --> 00:37:22,117
No one knows for sure.

1033
00:37:22,117 --> 00:37:23,994
And if you ever saw someone
go up to someone

1034
00:37:23,994 --> 00:37:25,704
and go, "When you die, do
you think you'll go to heaven?"

1035
00:37:25,704 --> 00:37:27,956
And that person went,
"Yes, I will!"

1036
00:37:27,956 --> 00:37:31,001
You wouldn't be like,
"I hope you don't!" [LAUGHS]

1037
00:37:31,001 --> 00:37:34,129
"I hate you.
I hate your confidence," right?

1038
00:37:34,129 --> 00:37:35,839
And plus, those people
spoke for God,

1039
00:37:35,839 --> 00:37:37,799
that's what
bothers me the most about organized religion.

1040
00:37:37,799 --> 00:37:39,134
People love to speak for God.

1041
00:37:39,134 --> 00:37:41,470
The Bible contradicts
everything you say anyway.

1042
00:37:41,470 --> 00:37:42,888
When I lived in Niagara Falls
in New York,

1043
00:37:42,888 --> 00:37:44,348
I lived near
a Planned Parenthood clinic.

1044
00:37:44,348 --> 00:37:47,184
I saw pro-lifers out there
every day speaking for God.

1045
00:37:47,184 --> 00:37:50,312
They're just, like, you know,
"God is pro-life. God is pro-life."

1046
00:37:50,312 --> 00:37:51,688
I just wanted to
be like, "Really?"

1047
00:37:51,688 --> 00:37:55,234
Like that time when
He wiped out the entire planet

1048
00:37:55,234 --> 00:37:59,363
except for, like, Noah
and maybe a few hundred animals?

1049
00:37:59,363 --> 00:38:01,823
You're just telling me
that there were zero preggos on Earth that day?

1050
00:38:01,823 --> 00:38:03,575
That's what we're going with
right there?

1051
00:38:03,575 --> 00:38:05,035
Zero? Not even at least one?

1052
00:38:05,035 --> 00:38:06,411
Like, on the way
to the county store, like,

1053
00:38:06,411 --> 00:38:08,622
"I need bread and plums
'cause I'm eating for two.

1054
00:38:08,622 --> 00:38:09,873
"What is that? A wave?"

1055
00:38:09,873 --> 00:38:12,543
[SCREAMS] Like,
I'm pretty sure...

1056
00:38:12,543 --> 00:38:15,379
There was a couple preggos.
That's all I'm saying.

1057
00:38:15,379 --> 00:38:17,798
I'm glad you guys... Good.
Good for you on that one.

1058
00:38:17,798 --> 00:38:20,008
You're probably asking yourself,
"How did that do in Jacksonville

1059
00:38:20,008 --> 00:38:23,095
"three months ago?"
Not well. Not well, you guys.

1060
00:38:23,095 --> 00:38:26,348
Who would have thought
in that swing state? Okay.

1061
00:38:26,348 --> 00:38:28,725
I tell you this first part
of the story to tell you the second part of the story.

1062
00:38:28,725 --> 00:38:30,352
My mom does community
theatre on the side

1063
00:38:30,352 --> 00:38:32,187
and we try to support
everything that she's in.

1064
00:38:32,187 --> 00:38:34,815
So about two years ago,
I'm driving home to Buffalo.

1065
00:38:34,815 --> 00:38:37,192
We're on the phone, my mom goes,
"Oh, I'm in this play this weekend.

1066
00:38:37,192 --> 00:38:38,443
"Can you and your father come?"

1067
00:38:38,443 --> 00:38:40,153
I go, "Absolutely.
What's it about?"

1068
00:38:40,153 --> 00:38:42,406
She goes, "Oh, Matthew,
I would just love if the two of you came."

1069
00:38:44,074 --> 00:38:46,034
Now you're all smarter
than I am at this point.

1070
00:38:46,034 --> 00:38:48,245
I thought she didn't have
a speaking role, that's what I thought.

1071
00:38:48,245 --> 00:38:49,454
I thought she was embarrassed,

1072
00:38:49,454 --> 00:38:50,789
so we go to this play,

1073
00:38:50,789 --> 00:38:54,126
I'll never forget, it's
11:30 a.m. on a Sunday,

1074
00:38:54,126 --> 00:38:57,296
which, if any,
that's the best time to see community theatre. All right?

1075
00:38:57,296 --> 00:39:00,632
There's no understudies on
11:30 a.m. Sunday show, right?

1076
00:39:00,632 --> 00:39:04,136
And the play was called<i>Heaven's Gates, Hell's Flames.</i>

1077
00:39:04,136 --> 00:39:05,804
And the reason
I love telling this story,

1078
00:39:05,804 --> 00:39:07,264
'cause Dallas understands
this story.

1079
00:39:07,264 --> 00:39:09,933
If you don't know,
it's the evangelical touring play

1080
00:39:09,933 --> 00:39:13,020
and they go
into all these theatres that hold about 200 people

1081
00:39:13,020 --> 00:39:16,148
and what they do,
they give free tickets to kids who are about 12 and under,

1082
00:39:16,148 --> 00:39:17,900
so the fear-based age.

1083
00:39:17,900 --> 00:39:20,360
And the whole premise
of the play, it's wild.

1084
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:22,196
It's always an adult
and child on stage,

1085
00:39:22,196 --> 00:39:25,115
the child's like,
"I believe in Jesus. That means you go to heaven."

1086
00:39:25,115 --> 00:39:26,575
And the adult's like,
"Hey, you know, that's great,

1087
00:39:26,575 --> 00:39:28,994
"I just have a couple questions
about all, all that."

1088
00:39:28,994 --> 00:39:31,538
And then something
terrible happens. Like, a bus hits him,

1089
00:39:31,538 --> 00:39:33,624
they stop for gas,
they're on their cellphone,

1090
00:39:33,624 --> 00:39:35,792
boom! Right?

1091
00:39:35,792 --> 00:39:38,086
They're dead.
Now, they're very dead. Okay?

1092
00:39:38,086 --> 00:39:40,964
So on the stage,
there's this big, pearly gate, if you remember,

1093
00:39:40,964 --> 00:39:42,758
and, like, this heavenly music
starts playing,

1094
00:39:42,758 --> 00:39:45,344
and then, out walks Jesus.

1095
00:39:45,344 --> 00:39:48,514
And... Not real Jesus,
by the way.

1096
00:39:48,514 --> 00:39:49,932
I want to point that out
to the audience.

1097
00:39:51,308 --> 00:39:53,393
He might have, I didn't
do meet-and-greet after,

1098
00:39:53,393 --> 00:39:55,854
but he comes out
and he points to the kid, he's like, "You!

1099
00:39:55,854 --> 00:39:57,231
"Come on in, my son."

1100
00:39:57,231 --> 00:39:58,774
And the child walks up the steps

1101
00:39:58,774 --> 00:40:00,192
and everyone starts cheering.

1102
00:40:00,192 --> 00:40:02,486
And they're like "Yay!"

1103
00:40:02,486 --> 00:40:04,279
It's very creepy.

1104
00:40:04,279 --> 00:40:08,283
And the person
who doesn't believe in Jesus, he just goes "Nah!"

1105
00:40:08,283 --> 00:40:10,786
Like, that was not
how he did, that's weird.

1106
00:40:10,786 --> 00:40:12,913
"Nah". That was a weird way
to do that.

1107
00:40:12,913 --> 00:40:14,706
"Did Jesus get the vaccine?"

1108
00:40:14,706 --> 00:40:16,375
- So, uh...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1109
00:40:16,375 --> 00:40:18,544
Yeah! So, anyway...

1110
00:40:18,544 --> 00:40:21,380
So the lights go down
and this crazy music starts playing,

1111
00:40:21,380 --> 00:40:22,840
and out runs the devil.

1112
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:24,341
Now I was, like, 38 years old,

1113
00:40:24,341 --> 00:40:26,510
even I was like,
"What is..." It was terrifying.

1114
00:40:26,510 --> 00:40:28,637
And the devil runs out,
right, grabs the adult,

1115
00:40:28,637 --> 00:40:30,138
drags him off to Hell

1116
00:40:30,138 --> 00:40:33,725
while the child and Jesus
sit there and watch.

1117
00:40:33,725 --> 00:40:35,644
I know we have
some religious people here tonight.

1118
00:40:35,644 --> 00:40:38,772
But I hope this is
the most fucked up shit you've heard so far in my act.

1119
00:40:38,772 --> 00:40:41,233
And I almost got molested,
what, seven jokes ago. Right?

1120
00:40:41,233 --> 00:40:43,610
So, I go to my dad
and I go, "Not for me."

1121
00:40:43,610 --> 00:40:45,612
So I get up,
I'm trying to leave,

1122
00:40:45,612 --> 00:40:47,030
my dad goes, "Matthew, sit down.

1123
00:40:47,030 --> 00:40:49,449
"Your mom's going last.
We're here to support her."

1124
00:40:49,449 --> 00:40:51,827
I was like, [SIGHS]
"Wish you left us in Disney."

1125
00:40:51,827 --> 00:40:54,454
- So, I sit down...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1126
00:40:54,454 --> 00:40:56,748
When I tell you this is
the best decision of my life.

1127
00:40:56,748 --> 00:40:58,584
My mom did the play
for three days at that point

1128
00:40:58,584 --> 00:41:01,044
and I think my mom was like,
"Listen. I can follow a script

1129
00:41:01,044 --> 00:41:03,088
"or I can make this
so much better."

1130
00:41:03,088 --> 00:41:05,549
'Cause the devil came up
to grab my mom, she goes...

1131
00:41:05,549 --> 00:41:07,134
"No!" and just ran away.

1132
00:41:09,136 --> 00:41:10,971
So this kid
who's playing the devil is like, "What is going on?

1133
00:41:10,971 --> 00:41:12,055
"Improv! Yay!"

1134
00:41:12,055 --> 00:41:13,891
So he runs after her,

1135
00:41:13,891 --> 00:41:17,477
and they're literally
at one point wrestling on the ground together.

1136
00:41:17,477 --> 00:41:18,729
And I think
he's breaking character.

1137
00:41:18,729 --> 00:41:20,397
He's like,
"You're going to hell, lady!"

1138
00:41:20,397 --> 00:41:22,816
And she's like,
"I am not going to hell!"

1139
00:41:22,816 --> 00:41:25,277
And he's like,
"We have a second show. Come on."

1140
00:41:25,277 --> 00:41:27,654
So, he finally
gets a hold of her.

1141
00:41:27,654 --> 00:41:30,574
Now she's giving in,
but she's still going for her Community Theatre Oscar,

1142
00:41:30,574 --> 00:41:31,825
she is not letting go.

1143
00:41:31,825 --> 00:41:34,369
And finally, he pulls her
behind the curtain,

1144
00:41:34,369 --> 00:41:36,747
but she's, like,
one last blood-curdling scream.

1145
00:41:36,747 --> 00:41:39,541
She's like, "No!"

1146
00:41:39,541 --> 00:41:43,003
And we just all slowly
watched her fingers

1147
00:41:44,379 --> 00:41:46,715
go behind the curtain

1148
00:41:46,715 --> 00:41:48,759
and it was completely silent

1149
00:41:48,759 --> 00:41:50,928
in this theatre
of about 200 people

1150
00:41:50,928 --> 00:41:52,679
except for me
and my dad in the back

1151
00:41:52,679 --> 00:41:56,016
- just laughing our asses off.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

1152
00:41:56,016 --> 00:41:58,310
We even started clapping
at one point.

1153
00:41:58,310 --> 00:42:00,896
We'll never see these people
again. Who cares, right?

1154
00:42:00,896 --> 00:42:02,814
It was a beautiful moment
between the two of us.

1155
00:42:02,814 --> 00:42:04,942
My dad's not even
that funny. But I go, "You think she went to hell?"

1156
00:42:06,401 --> 00:42:09,154
He just goes,
"Huh? I hope so. I don't know.

1157
00:42:09,154 --> 00:42:10,989
"No one knows for sure."

1158
00:42:10,989 --> 00:42:12,866
You guys, that's it from me.
Thank you so much for coming out tonight.

1159
00:42:12,866 --> 00:42:14,284
- I hope you had
a good time. - [CHEERING]