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[woman] Don't forget, brush your teeth.
[boy] Why do I have to brush my teeth?
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[woman] Want your teeth to fall out?
[boy] Only one of them.
You're gonna need your teeth. I'll tell you why. I have to go.
-Mama's gonna make herstory. -[boy] What's herstory?
I'll tell you what herstory is later. And the rest of the world.
[upbeat instrumental music plays]
[audience cheering and applauding]
[song continues playing]
[cheering swells]
[audience continues cheering]
[female MC] Are you ready to make history?
[audience cheers and applauds]
[female MC] Please welcome the first woman to have her own stand-up comedy special
at Radio City Music Hall!
Michelle Buteau!
[audience cheering]
[audience continues cheering]
[song continues playing]
Thank you.
[crowd cheering]
[audience shouts and whistles]
[music fades]
-New York City! -[audience cheering]
[crowd cheers]
[Michelle] You do it every time.
[woman 1] Woo!
I love you so much.
[cheering swells]
"Okay, is she good? Is she good?"
[woman 2] Yes!
Oh man.
[woman 3] We love you, Michelle!
I love you too, bitch.
[audience cheers]
I'd motorboat you right now, but I got shit to do.
[crowd laughs]
[Michelle sighs]
I love doing what I love and making money.
[crowd cheering]
[crowd applauding]
What? [chuckles]
It's amazing. And I wish that for you.
If you haven't done that yet, I really wish that for you.
[audience cheers]
'Cause it's good. It's good.
[audience laughs]
This guy hit me up one time. He said, "I'm a food cooking producer."
I said, "Go off, is that a real job?"
[audience laughs]
"Good for you. Make your space." [chuckles]
He said, "I'd love to do a cooking video with you because you like cooking."
I said, "I never said that. That's just my look." [snickers]
[audience laughs]
"Okay."
He's like, "I have the perfect recipe. Sweet potato casserole."
And I was like, "Okay."
"How much does it pay?"
And what he told me, I was surprised, because that comma was thick.
[audience laughing]
I said, "This is a nice check."
"Do I have to show my feet or some shit?"
[crowd laughs]
I've seen Euphoria, I know what the kids are doing for money.
[audience laughing]
And he said, "No, the company I work for loves you."
I can't legally tell you the name of the company,
but I can tell you that it rhymes
with "Tampbell's Loop."
[audience laughs]
[scattered applause]
We all got it?
There's always one.
[crowd laughs]
[Michelle chuckles]
I didn't read the recipe.
I showed up on time with a V-neck and some lip gloss.
I was like, "Let's make some casserole, honey."
[audience laughs]
They handed me sweet potatoes.
I was like, "Sweet potatoes," to the camera, "That's my nickname."
[vocalizes]
[crowd laughs]
[Michelle chuckles]
The director's like, "This is a family recipe." I said, "I know."
[audience laughs]
[Michelle chuckles]
Hamming it up. Then they handed me salt and pepper.
I was like, "Salt-N-Pepa's here. Salt, salt, salt."
[audience laughs]
[Michelle chuckles]
Then these people, and I'm going to call them people,
because I know that they're someone's child, um…
[smacks lips]
They handed me two full cups of shredded cheddar cheese.
And I had the same look on my face.
I was like, "Are we making the same recipe?"
[audience laughing]
They said, "Yeah, it ties it together."
I said, "Who told you that?"
[audience laughing]
They said, "Gotta put it in."
I said, "Listen, now, once I put it in, I can't take it out."
[crowd laughs]
"It's like pee in the pool, okay?"
[audience laughing]
Then these people…
[chuckling]
[audience laughing]
…handed me
a can
of Tampbell's Loop…
[audience cheers and applauds]
…Cream of Mushroom Soup.
[audience laughs]
[Michelle sighs]
[audience laughing]
Now, I don't know if y'all have ever seen
a fresh can…
of Tampbell's Loop…
[audience laughing]
…Cream of Mushroom Soup, but…
she's dense, okay?
I was like, "Ow, we gotta put our back into it."
"You gotta… get a little room temperature."
[crowd laughs]
I mean, I'm mixing it up, and it's a mess.
It looks like a dog just had a miscarriage.
[audience groaning and laughing]
Oh, that dog got more rights for its body than I do, what you talking about?
[audience cheering]
That bitch will be okay.
[audience laughs]
So, I'm trying to mix it up,
and the director's like, "What's wrong, Michelle?" [chuckles]
"Smile." [snickers]
[audience laughs]
[Michelle hums]
[humming continues]
-[hums, quavers] -[audience laughs]
[humming fades]
So, I put this thing…
in the oven,
and I tell everybody, "Okay. Get home safe."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
The director goes, "We gotta take it out and eat it and talk about it."
I said…
"Who told you that?"
[audience laughs]
He said, "All the videos, everyone's eating it and talking about it."
I said, "We don't have to be them. We could be heroes."
[audience laughs]
[chuckling] He… He said, "I'm so sorry, Michelle."
"But unless you eat it and talk about it, we can't pay you. It's in your contract."
So I pulled it out the oven, I was like…
-[hums] -[audience laughs]
When I took it out of the oven, y'all, it was bubbling.
It looked so personal.
[audience laughing]
I put it on the countertop, it was just giving the "Caucacity of Nope."
[audience laughing]
[sighing] So I put this thing…
in my mouth.
And I'm really trying to think about
what I can spend the money on.
[audience laughing]
Like a good ho.
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
Thank you. Hear those people clapping? Them the hoes.
[audience laughs and applauds]
With the bills.
[chuckling]
And he was like, you know, "How do you feel?"
And I'm like, "Like I'm in an episode of Fear Factor."
[crowd laughs]
And he's like, "Okay, how does it taste?" I'm like, "Expensive."
[audience laughing]
And then I wasn't crying, but it was a gentle tear,
and he's like, "You can go home now." [chuckles]
[audience laughs]
[Michelle chuckles]
So he posts the video,
and I'm like, "Who gonna see it?"
Who gonna see this 40-second video of me making sweet potato casserole, right?
Well…
[audience laughs]
I forgot there's this thing called Black Twitter.
[audience laughing]
And you know? That's my bad. The minute I saw myself trending,
I was like, "My bad."
I forgot sweet potatoes are the Juneteenth of root vegetables.
That…
is my bad.
I need a publicist, an apology tour, I tried to get on Club Shay Shay.
He was booked up.
[audience laughing]
Amanda Seales was about to do a three-part video on my ass.
I had to watch High on the Hog seven more times.
Ooh, baby!
Can't be light-skinned, fucking up Black culture.
I won't be invited to any of the fests.
[scattered applause]
But I've never seen over 10,000 tweets with my name, so I was like,
"How bad could it be?"
[audience laughs]
Well,
there was an auntie
who posted every hour on the hour, all in caps.
I said, "Okay, consistency."
[chuckling]
All in caps, she kept writing, "CALL THE COPS!"
-What? -[crowd laughs]
What?
[scoffs]
[chuckles]
We ain't gotta involve the police.
[crowd laughs]
Then a lot of people were like, "Is Michelle okay?"
I said, "Thank you so much."
[audience laughing]
I don't know, I really got to look in, you know?
Check in on your strong friends.
[chuckling]
But the most, like, hilarious, yet hurtful comment that I do remember,
somebody was just like, "Damn…"
"Sis looks like the housekeeper from Get Out."
[audience laughing]
[imitating the housekeeper] No!
[wailing] No!
[wailing louder] No!
-[screaming] No! -[audience laughing]
No!
[audience laughing]
[Michelle sighs]
I just realized how crazy that shit is for you
if you've never seen Get Out.
[audience laughs]
Like, are you okay?
[audience laughs]
I'm just bad at internet. I don't know how to not care.
I either shut off or I just care too much.
I thought the hardest conversations I would have with my children
would be around
racism, being bullied,
sexism, but I'm realizing,
I have to figure out how to have a proper conversation with my kids,
to have them define their worth without likes and followers.
[audience applauds]
Yes, welcome to my big-titty TED Talk, bitches.
[audience laughs]
With dreams as big as her shoulder pads.
[crowd laughing]
And, you know, my kids are so smart. I'm hoping it won't be hard.
I have five-year-old twins.
-[crowd cheers] -Thank you.
I have boy-girl twins until they tell me otherwise, 'cause Mama is inclusive.
[crowd cheers]
Let's love and evolve, mother…
They have the cutest names, I think.
They have family names, Hazel and Otis.
So cute. I got earrings with their initials.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
That's right. She's a ho for life.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
Oh my goodness. Rosé, it's so wet.
[audience laughs]
I didn't realize, with twins, everybody wants to talk to you.
I didn't know that.
People, like, walk up to me with agency and purpose.
They're like, "Are they twins?" I'm like, "Are you a pediatrician?"
[audience laughs]
But usually it's someone that's always a twin,
and wanna tell me they're a twin. Like, "Are they twins? I'm a twin."
"I don't like my twin. We share a birthday cake."
I'm like, "There's a war going on."
[audience laughing]
"What?"
And they just stay. "Yeah, my mom likes my twin better." I'm like, "I see why."
[audience laughing]
They keep talking. I'm like, "I gotta stop you there."
"I'm not friendly. I just have a double chin."
[audience laughs]
[Michelle chuckling]
"I'm an asshole, it's just rosé and butter. That's all it is."
[crowd howling]
Makes you very approachable. Gout is very approachable.
[crowd titters]
And I didn't realize how different kids could be
when they're the same ingredient. They are so different. Like Hazel? Wow.
Hazel has the energy of a 53-year-old Black woman that works at the DMV.
[audience laughing]
She is wild, she walks up in the playground,
she's like, "Is this what y'all meant to do?"
[audience laughing]
Hazelnut.
The kids come up to me like, "Mrs. Buteau, Hazel's looking through my soul again."
[audience laughing]
We got to do better.
Oh my God. She's sassy.
I don't know where she gets it from.
[crowd laughs]
Okay, you know what?
I understand what you're talkin' about.
However, I didn't find my voice till I was in my 30s. She's five.
[crowd laughing]
I was leaving the house one time in short sleeves to go food shopping,
'cause that's all I motherfucking do.
[crowd laughing]
And she said, "Mama, you should put on long sleeves 'cause your elbows look old."
[audience laughing]
But here's the thing, she ain't wrong. My elbows look haunted as fuck. How?
When? No one tells you about that in your 40s.
It looks like I've been doing a plank for 22 years.
[audience howling]
How would I know my elbows look like the top of a pigeon's head?
When?
Ladies, what all I need? Ashwagandha?
What do I need?
Magnesium? These elbows look crazy.
My elbows look like the guy
in the Indiana Jones movie, that chose the wrong cup.
[audience laughing]
Thank you, everybody over 38. Thank you.
Thank you.
-I see you. -[crowd applauds]
[Michelle laughs]
Oh my God,
sassy children.
And they don't go to bed.
They just are up all the time.
She comes downstairs, 10:00 p.m. "Mama, what you doing?" I'm like,
"Hiding my vape pen now. What's good?"
[audience laughing]
"What's up?"
"You already had two bananas. What all you need now?"
[chuckles]
[scoffing] My God.
And sassy children, they go to bed late, they wake up early.
She's up 5:30 a.m. every day.
I said, "Go back to bed, girl."
"You ain't missing anything."
[crowd chuckles]
"There is nothing going on right now."
"We don't live on a farm."
[audience laughs]
"This is not the military."
"You can go back to bed."
Oh my God.
Hazel has so much energy. She is like…
Picture DJ Khaled as a five-year-old girl.
[audience laughs]
She wakes up in the morning, she's like,
-"Good morning, everybody!" -[air horn plays]
[audience applauding]
[audience continues applauding]
[Michelle chuckles]
-♪ All I do is twin, twin, twin! ♪ -[air horn playing]
She the best!
Yeah! DJ Donwill, everybody.
[audience cheers and applauds]
[Michelle laughs]
Oh my God.
I can't talk to Otis the way I talk to Hazel,
'cause he's so sweet and, like, quiet.
Like, Hazel brings the Black mom out of me,
but like a Black mom on Maury Povich.
[audience laughing]
Oh, baby. We be at Target, I'm like,
[seething] "Get over here, girl."
"We ain't buying no more stuff. We ain't buy… Put it down!"
[crowd laughs]
She makes me feel like an angry ventriloquist. "Get over here!"
"Put it down. I said no more stuff, we ain't buying no more stuff."
[audience laughing]
[Michelle chuckling]
I can't talk to Otis like that.
Otis has the energy of a tired husband holding his wife's purse at Macy's.
[crowd laughing]
I see some of y'all in here tonight. Thank you so much.
[audience chuckling]
Otis is so sweet. He even blinks slow when he talks.
He's like, "Mama…"
[audience laughing]
[audience continues laughing]
[Michelle chuckles]
I feel bad sometimes, because he's growing up in a house
with so much, like, strong female energy, but I'm also just like, "You're welcome."
[audience cheers]
You know? "That's the best kind of education you won't get in school."
[chuckling]
I feel bad for him sometimes,
his first complete sentence when he was three years old was,
"Okay, everybody. Calm down."
[audience laughs]
Otis!
I'm trying to teach him how to be a big boy around the city, you know?
Walking a New York City sidewalk, ride the subway, the train.
Hold the door open for old people, all that shit. It's important.
And we were on a very crowded corner one time in New York City,
and he yells in front of everybody,
"Mama, the blinking hand said we can't go now!"
I said, "That's right, baby."
And then strangers were just like, "Good job, Mama."
"Good job…" And parents know
when your kid does something right in public, you're like,
"I am a fucking angel."
[audience laughing]
"I am a walking angel. What are you childless fucks doing? Recycling? Okay."
"Okay."
"Composting? Okay."
We are leaving it better than how we found it.
Otis caught wind, and he was very proud of himself.
And so then he yells, "Mama, the white man said we can go now!"
[audience laughing]
[audience continues laughing]
Oh my God.
So I call this story "Birth Control."
'Cause if you were thinking about having a kid, listen to this and decide.
[crowd laughs]
Otis had a big booger in his nose.
A big booger and he's like, "Mama, how do I get this out?"
Like, "That's a real question?" Know when your kid says something
you're like, "I'm worried for the rest of your life"?
[crowd laughing]
I said, "Put your finger in there,
dig like you're looking for an answer."
[audience chuckles]
What am I, Mr. Rogers? I don't know.
He had a hard time getting it. I was like, "Otis, this is hard to watch."
[audience laughing]
"I'm gonna be honest with ya."
His head was leaning back.
Chasing himself like a dog chasing his tail.
I was like, "This is not how I want to remember you, you know?"
[crowd laughs]
He's like, "Mama, I can't get it." I'm like, "I see that."
I should also mention we were boarding a flight.
[audience laughs]
[Michelle chuckles]
And he said, "Mama, I can't get it."
And so, I made a decision.
I went in there and I got it.
[crowd laughs]
And then he did a move I've never seen a human body do.
He folded like a beach chair.
[crowd laughs]
Laid out on the floor. He was like… [squeaking sounds]
And then laid.
What?
And lay down.
And then he yelled…
[chuckling]
"Mama, I want to get my booger!"
And then he says, "Put it back."
[audience laughs]
And there were people behind me.
And I had a decision to make.
So I put it back.
[audience laughing and groaning]
[scattered applause]
See, half y'all clap and half y'all judge, and I see that shit. Okay?
That's how people looked at me.
I wanted to yell at them, like, "I used to be cool, okay?"
"I was cool. I've done cocaine off of a dick,
I know how complicated noses can be, bitch."
"Enjoy your overhead space."
[scattered cheering and clapping]
[Michelle chuckling]
It's a good time to give my mom a shout-out in the audience.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Marie.
[chuckles]
Oh man, I must have been a sassy kid,
'cause I feel her bone density be different.
[crowd laughs]
Like, I get it now, you know?
I don't like to complain,
but I feel run-down, y'all.
You know, like, don't let the sequence and tulle fool you.
[crowd laughs]
I am run-down, like, if you come to my house,
5:30 every night,
you can catch me on the couch, and I am serving Viola Davis tired.
[audience laughs]
[puffing and panting]
[labored breathing]
[imitating Viola Davis] "I'm so tired."
[fake crying]
[gasps]
[normal voice] So tired.
Now I know why my mom looks like that.
[audience chuckling]
My mom looks like a husky dog in Miami, like…
I don't know if she's thirsty or smiling, it's just…
[audience laughing]
[panting heavily]
[huffs]
She always looks like she's asking the question and answering it, like…
[audience laughing]
[Michelle panting heavily]
Now I get it.
I feel like
the door at the end of the movie Titanic.
[audience laughing]
Just, like, less buoyant,
and everyone's climbing on.
My whole family is trying to take a seat.
[crowd chuckling]
And my whistle won't work, I'm like…
[blows a raspberry]
[keeps blowing a raspberry]
[blows a raspberry harder]
[blows a faint raspberry]
[audience tittering]
I get it!
I get it.
I didn't even realize, like,
you could hurt yourself when you're taking care of kids,
'cause you're not thinking about how you move your body.
And I hurt myself 'cause I'm bending over all the time, and not in the way I like.
Air horn!
[air horn sound plays]
[audience applauding]
[chuckling]
Thank you.
I hurt myself real bad one time.
And my husband was like, "I think you got sciatica."
And I didn't even know what it was. That's how young I was.
[audience laughs]
I thought it was an overpriced pasta.
[audience laughs]
He said, "I think it's sciatica."
I said, "Check the receipt. It's Penne Pomodoro."
[audience laughs]
That's how young I was.
Make some noise if you know what sciatica is.
-[audience cheers] -Yes! I love a grown crowd.
Thanks for keeping your muscles in check. "I can't come to the show tonight."
"My sciatica is picking up right now."
Oh my God, I have readers now, what? I can't see a menu. I'm that bitch.
"Turn your light on."
[crowd laughs]
"Why are these restaurants so dark?"
[audience laughs]
I'm this old.
[audience laughs]
Oh my God, I hurt myself with the sciatica and I went to the doctor.
He gave me athlete's-grade ibuprofen.
I was like, "Yes, I am an athlete, good job."
[crowd chuckling]
And he gave me a Theragun. Y'all know what a Theragun is?
[cheers]
Awesome. I didn't know.
I was like, "Okay, massage gun helping me out through the day."
"Come on."
And I couldn't go nowhere,
so I had a friend over and she happens to be a beautiful Black lesbian.
I call her "The Oracle."
[crowd laughing]
She ever-knowing and glowing.
And she saw my Theragun on my table and she goes, "Okay."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Girl, that's for my sciatica." And she's like, "Whatever."
[crowd howling]
I said, "Girl, it's my Theragun."
"It's got the word 'gun' in it."
And she said, "Depends where you point it."
[audience laughs]
[Michelle chuckles]
I said, "Girl." She said, "Girl, what?"
I said, "Girl, you stop."
She said, "What?"
I looked at her, I said, "Girl."
[audience laughs]
"You like to get your pussy beat up like that?"
[audience laughing]
[woman] Woo!
[applause fades]
I said, "Girl."
"You like to get your pussy beat up like that?"
[crowd laughing]
"I had no idea you like to get your pussy beat up like that, you are so quiet."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Oh my God. You finish your book in two weeks."
"You always over-tip at Starbucks."
"You always park so far away from the entrance to get your steps in."
"I had no idea you like to get your pussy beat up like that."
[crowd laughs]
She said, "Yeah, girl." [chuckling]
"I'm spending so much on Theraguns trying to find the right one."
I said, "Girl!"
[crowd laughs]
[yelling] "My brain is melting."
I said, "Honestly? Real talk?"
"You should have somebody punch your pussy a bit."
[audience laughing]
"Nothing crazy, just have somebody punch your pussy a little bit."
[crowd continues laughing]
"Nothing crazy, just a little pow-pow in your puss."
[audience laughing]
A little, "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "It's my pussy, me-ouch."
[audience laughs and applauds]
"That's all."
She looked at me. She said, "Hell no, girl. A Theragun is Therafun."
I said, "What in the lesbian Shark Tank is going on?"
[audience laughing]
"You got slogans?"
I had no idea she like to get her pussy beat up like that.
You think you know somebody.
Can I just recap what had happened right now?
I told y'all a true-ass story about my beautiful Black lesbian friend.
And a little bit of violence on a puss.
Nothing crazy, a dollop will do you.
[crowd laughs]
And for the most part, we laughed. Some of y'all were judging.
Some of y'all were curious.
[audience laughs]
You don't see what I see.
[audience laughing]
[Michelle chuckles]
But all I'm saying is it can be done.
It can be done, we can tell jokes and stories
and not disparage a whole community.
We can do that. We can make it funny.
-We just have to work at it, right? -[applause]
So if you ever run into Dave Chappelle,
can you let him know that shit?
[audience cheers loudly]
I don't think he know that shit.
I don't think we'll run into Dave, 'cause he's the GOAT.
And he is the GOAT, if that means going off about trans people.
Dave.
It's not funny.
It's dangerous.
Make it funny.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Michelle] That's all.
I can't believe somebody would make millions of dollars
for making people feel unsafe.
-That is so wild to me, like… Truly. -[crowd cheers]
[crowd cheers and claps]
I'm manifesting this shit tonight, this is a Radio City Music Hall takeover,
and I'm gonna tell everybody, I wanna make millions and millions of dollars
for making people feel safe, seen, secure, heard, and entertained.
Entertained.
-Entertaining. -[crowd cheers]
What are we doing? That is my goal.
My goal used to be to find my belly button when I sit down,
but that shit ain't realistic.
[crowd laughs]
Girl, set yourself up for success.
[audience laughs]
Just have some goals.
I just don't know why people aren't doing it anymore.
You know? Say you do the thing, and then do the thing.
[audience cheers and applauds]
That's all.
Like my friends that are, like, stuck.
Right? Always dating the wrong person.
The way you do one thing is the way you do everything. Right?
If you were in the theater tonight, dating somebody that's not good for you,
especially the ladies,
don't do it no more.
Leave here tonight and unfollow that motherfucker.
-That's energy you don't have. -[audience applauds]
Okay? And I'm not a chiropractor, but you ain't gonna be wet forever, sis.
[audience laughs]
God.
It is a journey, though. You got to really, like,
find the right one, you know?
I've fucked a lot of frogs.
[audience laughs]
It was like a frog farm.
[crowd laughing]
I'm so glad I found the right one.
-It's so nice. -[crowd applauds]
It really is. When people meet me and my husband, they're like,
"Wow, you guys like each other." I'm like, "You're supposed to."
Why be with somebody you don't like?
That is what your family is for.
[audience laughing]
[Michelle chuckles]
Hello? But I also think it's important to, like,
name the good time and name the bad times, that's okay.
The hardest time my husband and I had definitely was the pandemic.
I didn't get how social we were until we were together
all… the fucking time.
[crowd laughs]
I would move to another room, he'd follow me.
I'll be like, "What's up?"
[audience laughs]
"What's up?"
His stories were terrible.
[audience laughs]
Like, "What's good?" He's like, "We ain't got clean spoons."
I'm like, "Great story."
[crowd laughs]
[Michelle sighs]
[chuckles] It was a bad time.
I started using this tone with him that I'd never used with anybody before.
It's like the tone you use when Alexa ain't playing your song.
[audience laughs]
You know that tone?
I was like, [yelling] "No. I. Said…"
[normal voice] What?
Why am I talking to him like that? I love him.
[woman howling]
Name the good, name the bad. That's how you get over it, celebrate it.
Honestly, like, what I love about me and my husband
is that we're real partners, right?
Like, we celebrate each other's wins.
And if you're with someone who's jealous of you,
they don't understand your power because they're not in their power.
[audience cheers and applauds]
Oh my goodness.
Look at me, shoulder pads.
Dropping some wisdom.
Where's the donation basket? Come on, now.
[audience laughs]
[Michelle chuckles]
Truly, we celebrate shit.
I celebrate the small things. You got to, otherwise you have nothing to celebrate.
I'll pop a bottle of champagne on Wednesday 'cause I paid a parking ticket.
[crowd cheers]
That's how I'm living.
That's what I'm doing.
Oh my God.
And my husband threw me a party during the pandemic just for me.
Because we found out Lenny Kravitz followed me on Instagram.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[cheering swells]
[Michelle] What?
What?
Crazy, I came downstairs with streamers and balloons.
My husband's on the table, like,
♪ American woman! ♪
[audience laughing]
I said, "I'm gonna suck it right off."
[audience applauding and cheering]
[Michelle chuckles]
[cheers subside]
Happy for each other.
But then Lenny Kravitz keep liking my posts.
My husband went, "Do I got to worry about Lenny Kravitz?"
[audience laughs]
I said, "Yes, you do."
[audience cheers]
"Yes, you do."
"Now clean them spoons, honey. I heard we ain't got no clean spoons."
[audience laughs]
Bitch.
[laughter continues]
My husband's really into fixing stuff now.
He's like, "Let's fix something." I said, "I'm okay."
[scoffs]
"You fix it. You tell me, I will listen."
Do you know this man came home with a chair from the garbage?
[audience laughs]
[audience giggles]
I said, "Who this for?"
[crowd laughs]
[Michelle scoffs]
He was like, "I was hoping we could fix it." I said, "No, thanks."
He's like, "I wanna fix something with you."
I'm like, "What about voter suppression?"
[audience laughing]
-"Can we do that?" -[audience cheers and applauds]
We like to have fun, though.
He's really good at being high.
[audience laughs]
It don't matter how much or little he has, he's like, "I'm cool, man."
"I'm cool. Need help? Let me help you with those bags."
Like, he's so cool.
Nothing gets to him. He's like, "It's okay. It happens."
I'm like, "What?"
Like, me, I'm not good at being high. I want to be good at it.
I am not, you know? I want…
I want to serve, like, plus-size Erykah Badu, but…
[audience laughs]
It ain't, it's serving plus-size crackhead, real talk.
Ooh, baby, if you ever saw me in the street high,
I'm like, "I'm sorry, I'm high. Did you know I was high? Are my eyes red?"
"I'm so sorry, I'm high!"
[trilling] "Woo!"
"Is it game night? What are we doing?"
"Fold laundry? Clean the fridge? Do push-ups?"
"What should we do? I am high!"
"Wow!"
[scattered laughing]
It's not good. It's not a good look.
My husband and I had a date night.
One night, I got tickets to the Knicks game,
which is a basketball team.
[audience cheering]
That's right, honey.
We had courtside seats.
[crowd cheers]
Yeah, he was very excited. I was like, "I'm good."
I was like, "I don't know about basketball."
He's like, "It'll be fun." I said, "You should go with somebody."
He's like, "No, it's our date night. We should go."
I'm like, "I guess."
[audience laughs]
He's like, "It'd be fun if we got high."
[audience laughing]
[laughter swells]
I said, "Okay."
[crowd laughing]
He gave me a little piece of edible.
Nothing… Nothing crazy.
I didn't feel anything 40 minutes later, so I was like,
"Can I have a little more?"
[audience groaning]
[audience laughing]
Everybody knows but me!
[crowd laughs]
There's no instructions on the side.
[audience laughing]
[Michelle] Woo!
I'll tell you what.
We got to that game,
I was holding on to my chair with two hands.
[audience howling]
[crowd continues laughing]
"Wow…"
-"Wow." -[crowd laughs]
[softly] "Wow."
Like, I don't know if you guys have ever seen a kite with freckles and big hair.
[audience laughing]
That was me.
[crowd laughs]
Like, I didn't know if I was talking to myself
out loud,
or if it was an inside voice.
[crowd laughs]
[hoarsely] She was out here.
I was like, "Wow."
I was like,
♪ Butterfly in the sky ♪
[audience cheers and laughs]
♪ I feel twice as high ♪
♪ Take a look ♪
[audience] ♪ It's in a book ♪
♪ A Reading Rainbow ♪
Yeah!
[audience cheers and applauds]
[woman] Woo!
Oh my goodness.
I was nice, nice.
[woman chuckles]
And then the game started.
[crowd laughs]
[exhales]
Then the paranoia set in.
[audience laughs]
The announcer was just so… loud.
[crowd laughing]
I was shook, it felt like Cloverfield. I was like…
"We got to go."
-He was like… [inaudible shouting] -[air horn sound plays]
[audience laughing]
Then the players came out, I was like, "We are not safe."
[audience laughs]
[laughing continues]
They were so tall.
[crowd laughs]
It was all
Adam's apples and kneecaps.
[audience laughing]
They look like Sigourney Weaver as an Avatar.
I was like, "No."
[audience laughing]
"No, thank you."
I tried to get my husband's attention like, [whispers] "Baby."
[straining] "Baby."
-[moaning] "Baby." -[audience laughing]
He's like, "What's up? Why you whispering?"
I said, "'Cause the players can hear me."
[audience laughing]
I said, "We got to go."
He's like, "It's been eight minutes."
[audience laughing]
I said, "I'm really sorry, but we got to go."
"I am very high."
[audience laughs]
And this is why I love my husband. He's like, "It's okay, baby."
"Just enjoy it."
"Just enjoy the ride."
"Ride the wave."
"Taste the rainbow."
[audience laughs]
He's like, "Just focus on something,
and just like it."
"Okay?"
All positive vibes. He's like, "No one can hear you."
"Anymore."
[audience laughs]
And so, I actually did see a car…
in the corner of the court.
And this car was beautiful, the lights were on.
It was, like,
going around in a circle.
And I was like, "That is really nice. Like… "
"I wonder who's going to get it."
[crowd laughs]
"Where do they live? What kind of life will they have?"
"Are they gonna put the Christmas tree on top?"
Then I asked my husband,
I was like, "Baby, when do we find out who wins the car?"
[audience laughs]
He was like, "What?"
[audience laughing]
I said, "When do we find out
who wins the car?"
And he goes, "Baby, no one's going to win it." And I was like, "What?"
He's like, "It's advertising, it's not Family Feud, girl."
[audience laughing]
And then I started to cry.
[audience howling]
I was like, "Life ain't fair."
[crowd laughs]
And then he's like, "Baby, I think we should go."
I said, "I think we should go."
[audience laughing]
But can I tell y'all,
as soon as we both agreed we should go,
they put me on the celeb cam.
[audience laughs]
I didn't know what to do,
so I was just serving, like, seventh-grade talent show. What?
["Everybody Dance Now" plays]
Turn it up, turn it up!
♪ Give me the music ♪
♪ Everybody dance now ♪
That's good. Cut it, cut it, cut it.
[song stops]
[audience cheering]
Hit it!
["Everybody Dance Now" plays]
[audience cheers and applauds]
♪ Everybody dance now ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
[audience cheers]
Kill it!
-[audience roars] -[music fades]
[audience applauds]
[woman] Woo!
[audience laughing]
Hit it!
["Everybody Dance Now" playing]
[song fades]
[chuckles] Oh my God.
I rea-- [laughing]
Yo… [laughing]
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering and applauding]
I was like a Dominican Forrest Gump. Like…
[audience howling]
I bachata'd my way out that fucking game.
It was giving fight or flight realness.
[crowd laughs]
So… about that story. [laughs]
[crowd laughs]
That's the last time we did a date night.
[audience laughs]
And that's okay, you know, I'm…
I'm a mom. I'm a working bitch. Like, I'm just tired, like…
You know, once I start hitting that Viola Davis like…
[panting and coughing]
[crowd laughing]
Give me the rosé, put me to bed.
So my husband and I have actually graduated to day dates.
Is anybody that old?
[crowd applauds]
Responsible adult.
Ooh, baby. Day dates are amazing.
It's exactly what it sounds like, a date during the day.
Go to a restaurant you can't get into Saturday night on Monday afternoon.
[audience laughing]
You got a prix fixe menu, you taste everything for $45.
[audience laughs]
[Michelle laughs]
Have some wine.
Go home in the afternoon, sit and spin on that dick.
[audience laughing]
Take a shower, get the hot spots,
pick the kids up from school in a good-ass mood!
[crowd laughing]
Oh, I'm sorry, half of y'all picking your kids up smelling like badussy?
[audience laughing]
[audience chuckling]
Okay.
[Michelle laughs]
My husband surprised me with this day date and…
[sighs] Yes, he is white, but this… I don't want to say this is about race,
but this is the whitest shit I've ever heard.
Who is white here, in the front?
Thank you so much.
What's your name?
-Pearl. -Pearl?
-Come on. -[audience laughs]
Pearl?
Didn't expect you'd have the whitest, oldest name.
[audience laughs]
I love your grandma.
Okay, Pearl.
You tell me if this is white as fuck.
And you got be like, "That is white as fuck." Okay?
My husband came home, and he said, "Baby, I got us two tickets
to a reptile sanctuary."
[crowd laughs]
Pearl.
-That's white as fuck. -White as fuck. Thank you.
[audience laughing and applauding]
So I told him, I was like, "Baby,
I can't go to a reptile sanctuary."
"That's-- that's crazy."
He's like, "We gotta go, the tickets were cheap."
I'm like, "You pay?"
[audience laughing]
"They should be paying us."
[crowd chuckling]
I looked at him, I was like, "Are you the reptile guy?"
"I married the reptile guy?" He's like, "The reptile guy?"
I said, "You don't know the reptile guy?"
"It's the guy whose, like, best friends are his lizards."
"He lives with his mom for too long."
"Doesn't have a comforter. Just got a dusty sheet, fucking monster."
[audience chucking]
"His favorite movie is Scarface. He's got the poster."
"No frame, just tacks? Yuck."
[audience laughing]
"He just got fired from Jiffy Lube,
he's got a pull-up bar so his door never closes."
[crowd chuckling]
"And he never wears socks 'cause they're all crunchy around his fucking floor."
[audience laughs and groans]
Don't ask me how I know the reptile guy. This is what I've heard.
My husband is just like, "I am not the reptile guy,
but I really want to go." And then he hit me with this European shit
when he knows how to get me to do something.
He's like, "You know, it just feels like
Americans stop learning in school and then never want to learn."
[audience groaning]
I was like, "How dare you be so accurate?"
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Fine. I will go look at lizards with you."
"Because I love you."
And he goes, "You know,
it might be fun if we got a little high."
[audience laughing]
So I took an edible.
But this time, I only took one.
And it was wonderful.
All you have to do is just wait two hours and 17 minutes.
[crowd roaring]
And it was great. I was in a good mood.
Nothing was fazing me. I felt joyful.
You know, I was, like, driving us
to the reptile sanctuary in the Bronx in my minivan.
I'm not proud of that sentence.
[audience chuckling]
In the Bronx, everyone's got road rage.
They're, like, "Move over, bitch." "Learn how to park." Whatever, and I…
couldn't even care…
Usually I would yell back, but I was just, like, "I hope you heal."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Being high is wonderful."
I was in the pocket. I found parking.
Or did it find us?
-[audience laughing] -[Michelle] Woo!
What I didn't expect was this to be a tour.
We were with other people.
They were giving,
"Shoes optional at Walmart."
[audience laughing and groaning]
You know?
They were giving, like, third-generation January 6.
[crowd chuckling and groaning]
Yeah. You get it.
You know, it was a lot of camouflage, but I see you.
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
But I didn't care.
It was like Cowboy Carter. I was like, "This is everyone's America."
[crowd laughing]
"This ain't Texas."
[Michelle chuckling]
And it was pretty interesting.
The most fascinating thing I learned about was a lizard called "the bearded dragon."
[audience laughs]
It wasn't a dragon, it was more like a plus-size lizard, I called it Lizzo.
[crowd laughing]
I thought it was funny, people had mixed reactions.
Just trying to be body-positive.
Fascinating thing about the bearded dragon is that it can change its gender.
And I was like, "Okay. We've all had a night like that or two."
-[Michelle chuckles] -[crowd laughs]
Oh, well, at least I have.
[audience laughing and whistling]
Thank you.
And when we walked into the bearded dragon sanctuary,
which is again, a sentence I never thought I'd say,
it came right up to me, and I was like, "Okay."
And put it's, like, little paw on the window.
I said, "Oh, here we go."
Everyone's like, "It likes you." I'm like, "I'm a Leo. I have good energy."
[audience laughing]
We're just taking our moment,
and we're sort of mimicking each other, becoming best friends.
I was there so long,
I felt like that white girl in that John Travolta movie,
Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
Do you remember that movie? No one remembers it.
Please go home and check it out.
John Travolta, in the '70s, made a movie, Boy in the Plastic Bubble,
where he has an autoimmune disease.
So he has to live in a plastic bubble in his house.
But he has shoes on. I'm like, "Where you going, John?"
[audience laughs]
"Where?" A lot of holes in that story, not in the plastic bubble, anyways…
So we're just vibing, right? I'm like, "Oh my God, this is amazing."
Then its eyes start to roll back. I was like, "Go off."
[crowd laughing]
And then the lizard goes, "Come here."
[audience laughing]
[audience continues laughing]
"Yeah?"
And it says,
"Keep my wife's name out your motherfucking mouth."
What?
[audience roaring]
They're not even married!
It was wild, and the tour guide was, like, so happy.
He's like, "She never does this. She trusts you, she loves you."
I was like, "She sure do,
but honestly, right now, it's giving they/them, okay?"
[crowd laughing]
Just being on the real, real.
And then I heard a voice in the pack of camouflage,
say… "Ah,"
"You one of them woke ones?"
[crowd hooting]
And so, you know, I'm a little high.
[audience chuckling]
And I go,
"What did you say?"
"I couldn't hear through your four good teeth."
[audience laughing and applauding]
"What?"
And she goes,
"I asked you if you were a woke bitch."
[crowd gasping]
I look at my husband and I go, "Did she just call me a bitch?"
And he goes like this…
[audience laughing]
[laughter swells]
And I said,
"Yeah, I, Tonya."
[audience laughs and groans]
"I'm one of them woke ones. What's up?"
I didn't mean to poke the bear, but bitch, don't come for me.
Then she just started going off.
She's like, "They/them. They trying to get us to say 'they/them' all the time."
I was like, "Sis, you said it, like, seven times."
[audience laughing]
"You could do it. You just did. It's fine."
"Or don't, whatever."
I was like, "Honestly, if I can be married to someone named 'Gijs'…
[crowd laughs]
…you can say 'they/them.'"
[audience laughing]
And then she said, "I am so tired of this bullshit phase,
this non-binary, trans bullshit phase."
That's what she said. I was like,
"Look, I don't think it's a phase."
"Like, walking down the street, living your truth
as a non-binary or trans person,
while you know somebody could want to hurt you or kill you
is not a phase, that's bravery."
[audience cheers and applauds]
I said, "Yo."
"Them tattooed eyebrows on your face?"
[crowd laughs]
"That's a phase."
[audience laughs]
"That's not a good one. You ain't got no friends?"
Then she just kept coming for me. I'm like, "Am I on Fox News?"
"Is this a low-budget Laura Ingraham? What…"
See why I don't want to see lizards? See what I mean?
She just kept going on and on. She's like, "But biology."
I'm like, "Spell it."
[audience laughing]
She's like, "I don't trust what's between their legs."
"What's between their legs? I don't trust what's between their legs."
I'm like, "Why do you give a shit what's between someone's legs?"
"You sound crazy. If you ain't feeding, fucking, or financing, fuck off."
[audience cheers and applauds]
[Michelle] "Ma'am."
She just kept going in, and I just kept trying to answer her.
I blacked out. I felt like a big-titty George Jefferson.
[imitating George Jefferson] "Another thing, motherfucker!"
[normal voice] What am I… What am I doing?
[Michelle snickering]
I'm in comfy shoes to see a lizard.
[crowd chuckles]
There was so much hate, and I was like, "You're very black-and-white with shit."
"I need you to live in the shades of gray where the love and humanity exists."
[audience cheering and applauding]
"That's what I need from you."
"I mean, a trans woman is no less of a woman,
even if you don't understand, okay?"
"You need to love that person. That is someone's child."
[crowd applauds]
"I have children. I have twins. My body couldn't carry them."
"We had a surrogate. I'm no less their mom."
"You understand how love works?"
"Like, just open your minds."
But she kept going on, and finally, I was like, "You know what?"
"I am too cute for this conversation."
I was a little high, now I'm a little sober, it's okay.
I said, "I'll wear this outfit tomorrow 'cause people need to see it." I walk off.
And then she yelled back at me,
and she said, "And to think,
I was gonna tell you that I loved your sweet potato casserole recipe!"
[air horn plays]
[audience cheering]
Thank you, guys, so much for supporting me and being a part of history tonight.
I might be the first woman to do a special on this stage,
but I better not be the fucking last!
[audience cheers and applauds]
Good night, everybody!
[upbeat instrumental music plays]
I mean…
I don't want… I don't want it to end.
I bought this suit, I don't have to return it.
Hi!
Oh my God.
I love you.
Thank you so much.
You guys are the actual fucking best.
[audience cheering]
[applause swells]
I don't want it to end!
I love you so much!
[woman] Woo!
[Michelle] Oh my God.
Okay, I got to go. I got to go.
[crowd cheering]
[crowd cheers and applauds]
Oh no! My mic fell. Too much booty.
Give it up for homegirl over here. I know you better, I love you.
I love you.
♪ Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch ♪
♪ Titties, titties, titties, titties ♪
♪ Bitch, bitch, bitch and titties Bitch and titties and titties and bitch ♪
♪ Tits and bitties and bitties and titch ♪
[Michelle vocalizes]
[Michelle] I love you.
Yay!
Thank you.
[cheers and applause fade]
-[whoosh] -[Wanda Sykes] Oy vey! And up!
Use your knees, Paige! Come on, push it!