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[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, live from Gila Resorts and Casinos
at Wild Horse Pass,
put your hands together for Mike Epps!
[crowd cheers]
[cheering continues]
[crowd applauds]
[cheering continues]
What's up, Phoenix?
[crowd roars]
Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about. Phoenix, Arizona.
[crowd cheers, whistles]
Phoenix, the home of the Witness Protection Program.
[crowd laughs]
See all these guys walking around the grocery store
with wigs and glasses on.
[crowd laughs]
"Where are you originally from?"
[crowd cackles]
[chuckling]
You tell anybody you're moving to Phoenix, you're like, "Oh shit, red flag."
[crowd roars]
[laughs]
Yeah, man. We in Phoenix, Arizona, man. Home of the…
-[crowd cheers] -Yeah.
[cheers continue]
Yeah, home of the Mexicans.
[crowd cheers, applauds]
'Cause that's really what this is,
a part of Mexico right here, you know what I mean?
-[cheers continue] -And the Mexicans are taking over.
I'm telling you, they're taking over right now.
I went to a Jamaican restaurant the other day.
Something told me, "Look in the back."
[crowd laughs]
I said, "Oh, hell no."
It was two Mexicans back there making the Jamaican food.
[crowd laughs]
I said, "Pow, pow, pow!"
[laughter continues]
[Jamaican accent] Lick shot of a Mexican making Jamaican food.
[crowd cackles, howls]
People back there talking about… ♪ One love ♪
[crowd roars]
♪ Let's stay together and be as one ♪
[crowd laughs, murmurs]
I had a jerk burrito that night, man. I went on…
[crowd laughs]
I went on and supported them, you know what I mean?
[woman cheers]
[crowd titters]
Yeah, artificial intelligence is coming.
[crowd murmurs]
But that's who they're not going to be able to replace, a Mexican.
[crowd laughs]
You looking for the robot.
[Mexican accent] "He's not here right now, papi, we, uh…"
[crowd laughs]
"We got him in the back, back there. We put hydraulics on him right now."
[crowd laughs]
"He's not talking right now. I ain't doing the work again."
[laughter continues]
[chuckles]
Where the big girls at? I know they in here.
-[women cheer] -[crowd whistles]
Yeah, shit, 'cause that's one thing about the big girls, man.
Some guys, they like a woman…
I got a friend, man,
all his women, he want them, they gotta be at least 260.
[crowd laughs]
"I mean, you got to be two-something if you want me to do something."
[crowd roars]
[Mike chuckles]
[crowd cackles]
"Don't worry about it if you're ugly. As long as you're clean, I'll fuck you."
[crowd laughs]
Skinny girls' underarms stink. I don't know what it is.
[crowd howls]
Your pH B is off.
[crowd laughs]
Smell like a little cute onion.
[crowd cackles]
[crowd titters]
And, men, we don't wipe our ass well. We need to wipe better.
[crowd laughs]
You walk around here, your ass is itching…
[crowd laughs]
…half-wiped, you smell cologne and doo-doo at the restaurant.
You're looking under your shoe…
No, he didn't wipe his ass well.
[crowd laughs]
[man howls]
How many times you done wiped your ass and didn't see nothing,
was like, "Oh, ain't nothing there."
[crowd laughs]
Yes, it is, sir.
[crowd roars]
[crowd titters]
And it's going to remind you later on…
[crowd laughs]
…with an itch and a stain. Oh Lord!
[crowd laughs]
You're in the bathroom at the gas station just rubbing your ass for 30 minutes.
[crowd laughs]
Toilet paper shreds everywhere. Oh God.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd murmurs]
A lot of beautiful ladies in here.
Ladies, never let a man fuck you with his shoes on.
[crowd laughs]
That means his feet stink.
You done let a… funky-foot fucker fuck you.
[crowd roars]
And, fellas, if you ever meet a woman that got a mustache,
don't be afraid.
[crowd laughs]
That coochie is wet.
[crowd roars]
[crowd howls]
[laughs]
[crowd murmurs]
Old Donald Trump got out of jail.
[crowd titters]
Faster than I ever seen somebody get out.
Have you ever got out of jail that fucking fast?
Oh, hell no, man.
He walked right in, took a picture and said… [grunts]
…and walked out.
What kind of shit is that?
Got back on the jet and flew out.
[crowd laughs]
[Mike chuckles]
And I think that little hairpiece on his head
got a button that snaps right there in the front.
[crowd laughs]
There's a button up there, like a hat, that snaps.
[crowd laughs]
That's why the wind can hit it and it don't go nowhere, it just do that.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
And some of you ladies laughing, y'all got that same wig on right now.
[crowd roars]
Yeah, let's run it. Let's run it.
Might as well put a Mitchell & Ness sign on the inside of that.
[crowd laughs]
'Cause y'all putting these wigs on like baseball caps.
[crowd laughs]
And then try to take the makeup and powder down the electrical tape.
[crowd cackles]
That's electrical tape right there that's holding it.
[crowd laughs]
You be at the restaurant with a girl, see a piece of tape, "Hey, baby--"
"Don't do that. Don't touch. Don't do that."
[crowd laughs]
"Don't fucking do that."
[crowd titters]
[Mike laughs]
[crowd titters]
Yeah, I'm telling you, man. Shit. I tried to go to the military.
I ain't going to lie. Any military people in here?
Attention!
[coughs, laughs]
[crowd laughs]
Let somebody yell in your motherfucking face like that.
"Man, get the fuck out of my face."
[crowd laughs]
[speaking gibberish]
I'm like, "Nigga, I'm out of here, I quit."
"I don't want to do this. Get the fuck out of my face."
[crowd laughs]
I tried to go to the military, man. I took the test and flunked.
[crowd laughs]
They call it a ASVAB.
[crowd titters]
Man, that recruiter picked me up and took me out to dinner.
I went to Ponderosa, had that big potato with that steak.
[crowd howls, laughs]
What?
Man, I took the test and flunked the test, man.
[crowd titters]
I couldn't get his ass back on that phone. I knew something wasn't right.
[crowd laughs]
But I'd already lied and told everybody I was going to the military. Like, "Look."
"I got the brochures." I had some brochures.
[crowd laughs]
"I leave, I think, next Wednesday?"
[crowd roars]
[crowd laughs, chuckles]
Man, that recruiter called me and told me I wasn't going.
[crowd cackles]
My other two friends, they went. I was sad as hell.
They was like, "Mike, man. We love you, bro."
[crowd titters]
I said, "Damn, man." I was sad.
I told everybody I was leaving. I said, "I gotta get out of here."
"I got to do something."
So I went to prison. I said I'm gonna…
[crowd roars]
I'm gonna disappear for a couple years and come back.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
'Cause guys who go to prison, they're not fair to young guys.
'Cause they make the young kids want to go see what's in there.
'Cause they be bragging on it. It sounds so good.
They'll be like, "Yeah, and then I did two years up there in Sing Sing."
"You know what I mean? Then I did another five, know what I mean?"
"That's when I went and got swoled up, up there."
[crowd cackles]
The kids are like, "I wanna go."
[crowd laughs]
Yeah, you're not telling these young guys, "You might get fucked in there."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
And on the street, you know, in the hood, they call them ops, you know?
That's your ops. I'm like, "What the fuck is that?"
Yeah. Your opposition.
I'm like, "Okay. I don't know. Yeah, OG, that's an op right there."
"Yeah, there go my op, watch out." I'm like, "What's an op?"
"Is that a cop without the C on it?"
[crowd laughs]
They got little dudes, they call them hitters.
These are the little dudes that are shooting motherfuckers.
Shooters. There goes the little shooter.
They be describing this motherfucking dude shooting everybody.
He'd be the size of that pole.
[crowd laughs]
I'd be like, "That is the shooter?"
[crowd titters]
"He's a little bitch."
[crowd laughs]
He built like Pink Panther. Pants tight…
[crowd roars]
[hums "The Pink Panther Theme"]
Gun hanging out of his ass.
[crowd cackles]
Then they go to prison and can't defend they self.
[man] That's right!
But some big convict that been lifting weights been in there his whole life,
he's going to overpower you, little shooter.
[crowd titters]
He gonna get you in the weight room and work you out real tough.
[man howls]
Get you real tired.
[crowd titters]
Next morning, he going to come in,
you going to try to fight him off and can't fight back.
[crowd laughs]
He going to say, "Turn on around, little shooter."
[crowd laughs]
Put that magazine on your back.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd howls, groans]
Spank your little buns, nigga.
[crowd laughs]
[Mike chuckles]
I've been acting like I don't like white people for 40 years.
[crowd laughs]
I only do it in front of Black people.
[crowd laughs]
When Black people ain't around, I am white.
[crowd roars]
You can call me a fake-ass nigga or whatever you want to call me.
But I'm telling you what I'm doing when y'all ain't around here.
[crowd laughs]
Black people put pressure on you to be racist.
[crowd cackles]
I wasn't even racist all this time.
[crowd laughs]
There was Black people saying,
"You all right?"
I'm like, "Yeah."
[crowd cackles]
Shit.
Black people need two voices in this fucking world.
Yeah, you need two voices.
Yeah, how the fuck you think you're gonna navigate around here with that one little,
"What up, dawg? What's happening, player?"
That motherfucker ain't gonna get you nowhere.
[crowd laughs]
So you got to have a white voice. White people don't need two voices.
They don't need a Black voice for shit.
[crowd laughs]
I don't see where it benefits them no-fucking-where
to be acting like us.
Leave it alone, white people, just let it go.
[crowd titters]
Black people, we need a motherfucking white voice.
Yeah. Your mama had two voices.
[man] That's right.
Your mama on the phone with the light company,
-"Yes. I'm wanna call about a $63 bill…" -[crowd laughs]
"…that was spent, I think… Hold for one second, ma'am."
"Get the fuck off that door!"
[crowd laughs]
You'd be like, "Damn, that was two people."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
Because, see, I trust white people in some areas, you know.
[crowd murmurs]
Yeah. Some areas that I can trust white people in.
I don't trust white people with God. No.
[crowd titters]
I won't let them tell me nothing about God.
[crowd cackles]
[laughs] It ain't right. It just seem like they don't know him. It's like they…
[crowd laughs]
They be telling, you be like, "You don't know him."
"Just stop, all right?"
"See, the Lord understands you, Michael."
I'm like, "No, that ain't… You don't know who you're talking about."
[crowd laughs]
Black people know God, man.
[audience members clap]
We've been through so much.
We know God and we always begging him for something.
-So, you know… -[crowd roars]
…we did force the relationship on this, man.
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
Your grandmama been bugging him since
1802.
[crowd laughs]
She done prayed to him 400 times a day.
[crowd titters]
You know God got a prayer line and when he see the Black people,
he's like, "Oh Lord. Here we go. Let me see what he gonna want now."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
'Cause God don't never get a day off.
When does God get to take a day off and don't answer no prayers,
ain't got to watch over nobody, ain't got to judge nothing
and go lay on one of them nice beaches he made?
[crowd laughs]
With a bad bitch he made.
[crowd roars, applauds]
[crowd cackles]
I'm sorry, God, I didn't mean it with that last one.
Whoo…
[crowd howls]
I fuck around, get home, license suspended.
[crowd laughs]
Oh, sir.
[crowd titters]
No, for real, what if you call God to pray on him
and his brother answered the phone?
[crowd laughs]
"God ain't in, it's his brother, what's happening?"
[crowd laughs]
"Well, he ain't in right now. I'm doing all his answering and stuff."
"He told me to tell y'all he ain't doing nothing but medical stuff."
[crowd laughs]
"Don't call here trying to get no rims out the shop
or none of that shit, because it ain't happening."
[crowd titters]
Anything you doing illegal, keep doing it.
If you doing anything illegal for money, keep doing it.
[crowd cheers, claps]
This country is illegal.
[man] Yeah!
You're here, over here, illegally.
[crowd murmurs]
They stole you from somewhere and brought you over here.
[crowd laughs]
You ain't supposed to be over here.
[crowd titters]
Yeah, fuck that, get your money, man.
[crowd cackles]
This whole country is built… Criminals built it.
[crowd murmurs]
Built on crime.
They make you walk around and feel sad if you get caught doing anything.
It's like, "Get the fuck out of here."
[crowd laughs]
[man] Yeah!
"Me and you are wrong."
[crowd laughs]
"I just got caught."
[crowd laughs]
You ain't wrong unless they catch you.
And you ain't wrong then unless you feel bad.
[crowd cackles]
Fuck that.
And don't worry about God, he knows your crooked Christian ass.
[crowd laughs]
He know you ain't shit. He made you, man.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
So keep fucking up.
[crowd titters]
You want to live a long time? Keep fucking up and keep giving…
Give God a chance to keep working with you.
[crowd laughs]
"Yeah, keep working with me, God. You see I ain't gotten it right yet."
[crowd laughs]
Look up, you be 75.
"Look, God!"
[crowd laughs]
"Still trying to work it out with you, baby."
[crowd howls, laughs]
'Cause if you get your life… get your life right and start…
Yeah, and get everything right and learn all your scriptures and…
[crowd titters]
…become this good old person,
he might call you home.
[crowd roars]
Make you an angel.
[crowd laughs]
-You were too good for this Earth. -[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
So if you want to stay on this fucked-up Earth, stay fucked up.
[crowd cheers, laughs]
There's some people looking at me like, "That was the worst advice I ever got…"
[crowd laughs]
"…ever in life."
[crowd titters]
'Cause I swear, I've seen Bobby Brown… I mean, T.D. Jakes the other day at the…
[crowd laughs]
Y'all know damn well they look alike right now.
Bobby Brown and T.D. Jakes.
[crowd laughs, howls, groans]
And T.D. Jakes, man, he's all about God, man.
He be up here, man, look like he got wheels on his shoes.
[reciting gibberish]
"…something."
[crowd laughs, cackles]
[crowd titters]
Woosh! I said, "Damn, this nigga's a robot."
[crowd laughs]
That's my man, T.D. Jakes, man, I went to his house and everything.
I pulled up at his house, his house look like heaven, man.
He got it sitting on a hill, man, and the gates open up slow.
Like, I'm not lying. I'm like, "God, this looks like heaven."
Got the smoke coming out. [blowing]
[crowd laughs]
And we pulled in there, man. I said, "This is T.D. Jakes' house, man."
And I start looking.
And my buddy TC said, "You see that dude over there with that machine gun?"
[crowd titters]
Man, he has security at his house with machine guns.
I said, "Damn, where's the faith?"
[crowd roars, applauds]
[crowd howls]
I said, "I guess God don't work around here all the time."
[crowd laughs]
I guess he called him one time and he didn't show up.
[crowd laughs]
He's like, "I got something for these niggas. I'm gonna get security."
"God ain't answered me this time."
[crowd titters]
There's a lot of…
Black, beautiful bullies…
I mean, Black, beautiful… Black women in here tonight.
[crowd laughs]
Yes, Black women are bullies. Y'all know y'all bullies.
[crowd laughs]
Every woman in here that's Black is a bully.
[woman howls]
Black women been bullies since the beginning of time.
[crowd titters]
Harriet Tubman was a bully.
[crowd laughs]
She made them Black dudes run under that rail.
"Get your ass under that railroad."
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
Coretta Scott King, a bully.
[crowd murmurs]
Yeah. Coretta Scott King, a bully.
She made Martin Luther King run
and march in them hot-ass suits.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
Jada Pinkett, a bully.
Come on, y'all. Let's go.
Jada Pink… Yeah, y'all was quiet, wasn't you?
[crowd howls]
You thought I was doing some Kevin Samuels shit, didn't you?
Jada Pinkett, a bully.
[crowd murmurs]
She made that man smack that man.
[crowd roars]
♪ She made that man smack that man ♪
♪ She made that man smack that bitch ♪
♪ Made that man smack that bitch ♪
[crowd cackles]
[woman] Oh God…
He was playing until she looked at him.
[crowd laughs]
And he walked his ass right back up there.
She looked at him like old girl looked at Baby D
with that brick and say, "You know what time it is."
[crowd roars, applauds]
He slapped the shit out of Chris Rock.
[crowd laughs, cheers, applauds]
Everybody kept asking me, "What would you have did?"
Fell out on the ground and had a seizure, all that money he got.
[crowd laughs]
Got the shaking and…
[crowd laughs, howls, applauds]
Sued the dog shit out of big Willy.
[crowd laughs, howls, cackles]
I'd have been on People's Court with his ass.
[crowd laughs]
[hums "The People's Court Theme"]
[trills]
[crowd laughs]
[continues humming]
"The plaintiff, Will Smith."
[crowd laughs, chuckles]
I would have said, "Your Honor, I want to be in three of his movies with him."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd groans, applauds]
"I want to be in Bad Boys 9 with him and Martin."
[crowd laughs, claps]
[woman howls]
"I want to play Geoffrey on the new Fresh Prince."
[crowd roars]
"Oh, Will, uh…"
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
[crowd giggles]
How many men are getting beat in here by their woman?
How many men are getting elbowed
and slapped and kicked and kneed in the back?
How many guys are getting beat? Come on, guys.
[crowd howls]
Raise your hand, now's your time, you have support in here.
Look at him right there. There's another one.
You need to be beat, dude. I could tell. Your ass soft.
[crowd titters]
Women that beat men got a look on their face too.
You're like, "Yeah."
[crowd laughs]
Look at that man-beater right there.
[crowd laughs, cackles]
"Yeah, look at him, girl. I'm going to beat his ass."
[crowd roars]
"Gonna get in a relationship with him first."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd murmurs]
And guys that get beat are usually unemployed.
[crowd roars, howls]
That's why you letting some woman slap you upside your fucking head.
Because you don't have no money to defend yourself.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
Men that's getting beat, you can see them at Walmart all day.
[crowd laughs]
She paying for the shit. "Go get the peanut butter."
"Yeah."
[crowd roars, applauds]
"Is this it?"
[crowd laughs, howls]
Like, "He is a lame-ass little fucking…"
"I can't wait to get rid of him."
[crowd laughs]
"Fucking shopper."
[crowd titters]
Fucking helper, man.
If you're fucking a woman and living off of her
and ain't paying bills,
you are an assistant now.
[crowd laughs]
And she going to treat you like that.
[crowd titters]
She's gonna talk to you just like that in front of her friends. "Come here."
[crowd laughs]
"Did you go get that bag like I asked you to an hour ago?"
[crowd laughs]
You like, "Whoa!"
"Whoa!"
"Watch your tone. Whoa!"
[crowd titters]
But he's still going to get the bag. "Relax."
[crowd laughs]
She's like, "You better go get that motherfucking bag."
[crowd titters]
It's really fucked up when her kids start talking to you like that.
"Come here."
[crowd roars]
"Did you do what my mother fucking asked you to do?"
[crowd laughs]
"You better shut up. Little nigga."
[crowd laughs]
She come right in the room. "You call my baby a bitch, Tony?"
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
If you live with a woman and you ain't paying bills,
you know what I'm saying, stay out of her face.
[crowd titters]
'Cause you're a reflection of an unpaid bill.
[crowd roars, laughs]
Every time she see you…
-[crowd titters] -[man howls]
…Spectrum, something, pops up in her fucking eyes.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
And, fellas, if you're an alcoholic, your wife need to take your check.
[crowd laughs]
And manage it. Am I right?
-Take his fucking check. -[woman] Yeah.
Yeah.
You come home Friday feeling good. You got paid.
"Give it up." You're like, "Damn."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
She treat you like you're in a work release center.
[crowd laughs]
"Give you 15% so you can go get
your little cosmetics, your cigarettes, whatever you want to get."
[crowd murmurs]
"But I'm going to keep a big portion of this for you."
[chuckles]
[crowd titters]
When he get drunk, that's when he talk shit again.
[crowd titters]
"That's my motherfucking money!"
[crowd laughs, howls]
"You better lower your fucking voice."
[crowd laughs]
"I don't have to lower shit."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
When he's sober, he a whole different person.
"I'm gonna tell you, Dallas Cowboys is a whole another team, see."
[crowd laughs]
That's the drunk nigga that was in there talking shit?
[crowd laughs]
[Mike chuckles, sighs]
I know you guys seen me in the movies, but the money is gone.
[crowd roars, applauds]
[crowd laughs]
What do I mean?
[crowd titters]
That's why the fuck I'm here in Phoenix this weekend.
What the fuck do you mean?
[crowd claps, cheers]
Y'all know damn well I don't come here.
[crowd laughs]
[women cheer]
[crowd titters, whistles]
[crowd cheers, applauds]
That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about, Phoenix.
Yeah, yeah.
Most movies you've seen me in, I was on coke in 'em.
You know, I'll be honest with you.
I don't know if you knew that, or if you did or you didn't.
You knew that? Okay, all right, yeah.
[crowd laughs]
Yeah.
[crowd murmurs]
All About the Benjamins? Shit.
[woman cheers]
I was on coke. Yeah, go look at it again.
[crowd laughs]
She talking about… Oh, yeah.
[crowd titters]
When I found that ticket, and I was going like this…
[crowd roars, cheers, laughs]
I had been up for three days.
[crowd laughs]
Tootin' and pootin' and scootin' and tootin'.
[woman] Yeah!
[crowd cackles, howls]
Cocaine is one drug you can't have sex on.
[crowd titters]
You be snorting, looking at the girl, like,
"Yeah, I'm gonna tear that ass up." [snorts]
Your dick be like, "No, you're not."
[crowd roars]
[crowd laughs]
[crowd cackles, titters]
Have you ever had to stuff your dick in somebody 'cause it didn't get big?
[crowd laughs]
I took that motherfucker and stuffed it in.
[crowd laughs, howls]
She just coughed and it pop out.
[crowd laughs]
"Girl, get a cough drop and get the fuck out of here right now."
[crowd laughs, howls]
[crowd laughs, cackles]
[crowd titters]
When I be doing… When I used to do coke, I'm telling you, man, it was crazy.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
[crowd titters, cackles]
[man groans]
When there's two lines left, that's when you get sad.
You be like, "Oh God."
[crowd laughs]
[sniffles] "I need to get my life together."
[crowd laughs]
'Cause you know it's about to be over.
[crowd laughs]
That's why I tell kids, "Don't do cocaine, 'cause it's too powerful."
You got to be a strong-minded motherfucker to do something other than weed.
[crowd titters]
Know what I mean? Anything outside of weed,
you fucking with the devil.
[crowd laughs]
Yeah. I'm telling you, 'cause I've been in the middle of a prayer with God.
I'm talking to God.
[crowd titters]
And the phone rang.
[crowd chuckles]
It was the drug dealer.
[crowd roars]
[crowd laughs]
I said, "God, you know my heart."
[crowd laughs]
"But I've been waiting on this nigga to call me all day."
"I got to get this call."
[crowd laughs, cheers]
"Where you at?"
"I'm in the lobby."
[crowd roars]
You see me walking through the lobby with sunglasses and a robe on like this.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd howls]
[laughs]
[crowd titters]
Yeah, man.
From all the crazy shit that I did, I made some beautiful kids.
You know what I mean? I made some beautiful kids.
[crowd cheers, applauds]
But I've been paying child support since I was 17 years old.
-[crowd laughs] -chuckles
-That's a life sentence, ain't it, man? -[crowd laughs]
I didn't even know I was going to be born into some shit like that.
[crowd titters]
That's like living in the system. Seventeen years old?
Man.
And I ain't never missed a payment either.
[crowd cheers, applauds]
And I'm 52 years old.
Never missed a payment.
You know why? 'Cause I didn't want to be that guy up in prison.
Everybody talking about what they in there for.
"Yeah, child support, my nigga, you know what I mean?"
[crowd roars]
"Six kids, no child support."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
Sending gangster pictures home and shit.
[crowd roars, claps]
"To all my neglected kids out there."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
[chuckles]
Yeah. If I knew I was gonna be this successful,
I wouldn't have spread my dick so thin.
[crowd laughs, titters]
I gave it to people who didn't deserve it.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd cackles, titters]
[crowd chuckles, murmurs]
Yeah, it's crazy, man.
[sniffs]
And I ain't gonna lie, man.
You know, I go to therapy, I go… You know.
I got a therapist and I got a psychiatrist.
[man chuckles]
I need somebody else to talk to too.
[crowd laughs]
[laughs]
-[chuckles] 'Cause that ain't enough. -[crowd laughs]
[woman cheers]
You know? And you go to therapy and you sitting there talking to…
It's always some woman, you know, a white lady or somebody sitting there,
and you sitting there telling her shit that you can't tell a nigga in the street.
[crowd laughs]
You know what I mean?
You tell the lady at the therapist, "Don't you tell nobody this shit."
[crowd laughs]
She's like, "No, this stays between me and you."
You think she's going to ride in the hood, say, "Hey, guys, what's up?"
"This is Karen. Mike's therapist."
[crowd laughs]
"He told me a girl put a finger in his ass."
[laughter continues]
[mimics car honking, tires squealing]
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
[chuckling]
That's what you be scared of.
My therapist straight up asked me one time, man.
"What is it that you like about coke?"
[crowd titters]
I said, "I love the smell of it."
[crowd roars, laughs]
[crowd titters]
"That's why I kept doing it."
[laughter continues]
I told her, I said, "I got friends that been doing this shit for 20 years,
and they not hooked on it yet."
[crowd laughs]
She said, "Oh yeah? Did you hear what the fuck you just said to me, Mike?"
[laughter continues]
[chuckles]
[chuckling continues]
That's really crazy, man. 'Cause, yeah.
You know, the older you get,
the more you realize it's okay to live with yourself
no matter who the fuck you are, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
[crowd cheers, applauds]
It's only when you're young is when you care.
[crowd titters]
But when you get older, you don't give a fuck what nobody know about you
or seen about you or nothing.
You're like, "Fuck you."
[crowd titters]
"You're going to die soon too."
[laughter continues]
[Mike chuckles]
Who gives a fuck, right?
Yeah.
If you're out here and you're with a woman that you love, man,
don't get caught cheating.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters, murmurs]
That is the worst feeling in the motherfucking world.
You know what I mean?
And don't get caught cheating with an ugly bitch, either.
[crowd laughs]
That's rule number one. [laughs]
[crowd laughs]
You done get caught with a Sleestak…
[crowd roars]
…from the Land of the Lost.
[crowd laughs, titters]
I'm the worst cheater ever.
I mean, to get caught cheating while you sleep
is the worst time to get caught cheating.
[crowd chuckles]
I mean, you are in a coma, nigga.
You done smoke three blunts, sitting there…
[chuckling continues]
"Who is this?"
[crowd roars, laughs]
[hums melodic clock chimes]
[continues humming chimes]
You feel like you in a movie, nigga, you like, "Oh God."
[crowd titters]
"Who is this?"
[laughter continues]
"I don't know." "Who is this?"
[laughter continues]
[crowd titters]
[crow murmurs]
"Call the bitch."
[crowd laughs]
"Huh?"
[laughter continues]
"Call the bitch."
[crowd chuckles]
"It's 3:30--" "Call the bitch!"
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
[mimics phone ringing]
[crowd laughs]
[laughter continues]
[mimics phone ringing]
[laughter continues]
You're like, you hope this bitch is dead, "Please don't answer this phone."
"Please let a bridge be… just fell on this ho's head."
[crowd laughs]
"Be dead, ho, please."
[crowd titters]
When she answer that phone, you gotta cuss that bitch out.
[woman howls]
"Hello?" "Don't you ever call this fucking house again!"
"You fucking up a good family. You know what you're doing."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters, howls]
[woman] Yeah!
[crowd chuckles, cackles]
Now, if a woman stay with you after she catch you cheating…
that means she loves you.
[crowd titters]
But she's going to torture your ass.
[crowd roars]
Let the games begin.
[laughter continues]
[chuckles]
Let the motherfucking games begin.
They going to start right off by taking their fucking ring off.
That one hurt, right there.
You're like, "Where's the ring?"
She's like, "Giving my hand a break for a while."
[crowd laughs]
"Needs to breathe."
[laughter continues]
[Mike chuckles]
Then they go get a new hairstyle, you're like, "Oh God."
"Does the new guy like this look on you?"
[crow titters]
Now you think, it's fucking your head up.
You're trying to imagine who the fuck she going to be with after you.
That fucks your head up.
You're trying to imagine them and picture them.
You just out in the world and just looking at dudes, like…
[crowd titters]
"Is that the kind of motherfucker she'll like right there?"
-[crowd laughs] -[chuckles]
All kind of crazy shit go through your fucking head.
Then you start trying to scare her.
"I'm gonna let you know it's rough out there in that world."
[crowd roars]
[crowd cackles, titters, howls]
"You never know who the fuck is out there that you meeting."
[laughter continues]
"They could be crazy."
"Fucked up, mentally deranged."
She'll be like, "Yeah, just like you. Bye. I'm gonna go."
[crowd laughs]
Yeah.
They don't let you forget.
They just keep reminding your motherfucking ass.
That's the fucked-up thing about it. They don't stop, they keep reminding you.
It'd be three months after that shit was over,
they come in the motherfucking room.
"This is a picture of the bitch without the filter!"
[crowd roars, applauds]
"This is who you was with, nigga."
[crowd howls, applauds]
"You thought you was doing something, didn't you?"
[crowd laughs]
[crowd murmurs]
You're like, "Where the fuck did that come from?"
[crowd titters, murmurs]
Six months later.
"It was the eyelashes and the dead eye for me, man."
[crowd laughs]
"That's what really did it and hurt my feelings."
"It was her eyelashes and that dead eye that hurt my feelings." [quavers]
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters, howls]
She listening to Kelly Price, all kind of shit.
[crowd laughs]
Ten years later.
[laughter continues]
"Hey, babe, let's go get something to eat."
"Go ask Left Eye, motherfucker."
[crowd roars]
"Do she want something to eat?"
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
[crowd titters]
Fellas, when you're in a relationship, you got to keep on reminding your girl
how sexy she is and how beautiful she is.
You know what I mean?
That's how you got to address her all the time.
No matter what you think.
[women cheer, clap]
"Good morning, sexy."
"Have a great day, sexy."
"How's your beautiful self doing today?"
[crowd titters]
Just got to keep saying it, 'cause if you don't,
her work husband's going to tell her.
[crowd roars]
And I'm gonna kill his motherfucking ass.
[crowd laughs]
Yeah, that dude at her fucking job.
[laughter continues]
That's why you got to pop up on your girl's job sometimes. Yeah.
Uh-huh.
"You didn't know I was coming today, did you?"
[crowd laughs]
No warning. Just walk up in there like that.
"Yeah. Uh-huh. Where's she at?"
Huh!
[crowd laughs]
Don't give nobody a chance to say, "Cheryl, your man here."
"No, I'm up in here."
[crowd titters]
You looking for that work husband.
[laughter continues]
You know who that is?
That's the first dude you see that say, "You looking for Cheryl?"
Like, "No, I'm looking for you. Come here."
[crowd roars]
"Let me holla at you for a minute. That's just who the fuck…"
[crowd howls, applauds]
"Stop buying my fucking wife coffee, nigga, at Starbucks!"
[crowd laughs]
[crowd howls]
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
[woman howls]
She coming home happy, she's supposed to come home from work sad and tired.
Cussing about the fucking job.
[crowd titters]
"How was work?" "Lovely."
[crowd roars]
"Okay. I'm going to kill you, him, and me."
[laughter continues]
"We are dead if you keep playing."
[laughter continues]
"We are out of here."
[crowd titters]
'Cause men, we can't take what women can take. You know?
We can't take getting cheated on.
[women cackle]
We can't take it.
I mean, it'd be the end of our world, you know?
If you catch a woman doing fucked-up shit she ain't supposed to be doing,
and you say something to her and you're a cheater,
you know what she gonna say? "Please, nigga, all the shit you did?"
[crowd roars]
[crowd titters, murmurs]
[chuckles]
[crowd titters]
Ladies, you can never pay your man back.
You'd have to fuck the whole country of Africa.
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
You'll just be giving away some coochie to somebody who don't do nothing for you.
[laughter continues]
So don't fuck for free.
It's what I really want to tell you ladies. Don't fuck for free.
No matter how mad you get, don't fuck for free.
[crowd applauds]
[women cheer]
[applause dies down]
'Cause I live in LA, man, and I was riding down a street called Figueroa.
I don't know how I got on the street.
[crowd laughs]
Whatever, y'all, I don't have to explain nothing to y'all.
Anyway…
[laughter continues]
…before I was judged…
[laughter continues]
…it's a main street, and I was riding down it.
[crowd titters]
Y'all's mind is in the gutter. Anyway…
Anyway, "Ahh!"
[crowd laughs]
And the people back here are like, "Ahh!"
Anyway, "Ahh!"
[crowd laughs]
I was riding down Figueroa.
[laughter continues]
And it's a ho stroll.
[crowd murmurs]
I'm talking about both sides of the street, butt-ass-naked.
It fucked my head up. When I seen it, I could not believe it.
I said, "Goddamn!"
[crowd titters]
And the girls out there are so beautiful.
And I seen one girl that…
I mean, she was so innocent-looking, man, and beautiful.
I couldn't believe it, man.
And it hurt my heart, really.
[crowd titters]
I rolled down the window. I said, "Why are you out here?"
[laughter continues]
I said, "Get in the car."
[crowd roars]
See? There y'all… Fuck y'all. I'm not telling the rest of it.
I'm not telling the rest of the story, 'cause y'all are some bullshit.
[crowd laughs]
I was trying to help this girl, man.
[crowd roars]
Fuck y'all, man.
[laughter continues]
Anyway, "Ahh!"
[crowd roars]
[crowd howls, cackles]
Man, I was being a good dude, man.
[laughter continues]
I gave her $60.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
[crowd yells indistinctly]
Why did I give it? Because she needed stuff.
[crowd laughs]
Oh God, I don't want to tell y'all no more of my good deeds that I do.
[crowd cackles]
[crowd titters]
[chuckles]
I've been riding down that street every day for the last two months…
[crowd laughs]
…trying to find this young lady
and keep her on the right track.
[laughter continues]
[crowd claps]
She keep falling off the track.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
I seen a friend… I'm not bullshitting.
I'm in Atlanta one time some years ago. I'm sitting up in the strip club,
and I see one of my partner's uh… daughters stripping.
[crowd titters]
It was so uncomfortable, man,
and she see me, she was like, "Oh, Mr. Epps."
-I said, "I ain't Mr. Epps in here, baby." -[crowd laughs]
"I'm a whole 'nother nigga in here."
[laughter continues]
She said, "Don't tell my father."
I said, "Don't you tell him that you seen me."
[laughter continues]
[crowd titters, cackles]
[crowd murmurs]
I was like, "Get over here."
[crowd cheers, laughs]
[cheers, laughter continue]
[crowd laughs, whistles]
She was dancing scared. She's like…
[crowd roars, claps]
[laughter continues]
[crowd titters, murmurs]
[chuckles]
There's a blind serial killer in Phoenix.
I just seen it on the news. I know you don't believe…
Yes, there's a blind serial killer in Phoenix.
I just seen it on…
Y'all don't believe me?
[crowd laughs]
I just seen… Y'all was in here when I seen it.
I was back there while y'all was coming in.
[crowd titters]
That's what I said when I seen it.
I said, "If you let somebody blind kill you…"
[crowd laughs]
"…that means you let somebody feel for you."
[laughter continues]
'Cause how the fuck did he know you was in there?
[laughter continues]
[crowd titters]
That means you let a nigga take a stick…
[crowd laughs]
…and do this.
[crowd cackles]
[crowd titters]
[Mike chuckles]
I seen my buddy's grandmother in court, man.
I ain't bullshitting, man.
You know the police will lock you up for DUI.
I don't care how old you is.
I was in jail one time and see my buddy's grandmother.
She's about 75. You know how the women be going to court?
I've seen her being like this. I said, "Hey, Miss Therese."
She said, "Oh hey, baby."
[crowd laughs]
I said, "What you doing in here?"
"Some bullshit."
[crowd roars, laughs]
She said, "I'll call you back after everything's over."
[laughter continues]
[crowd titters]
I seen her two days later. I said, "They ain't let you out?"
"No, baby."
[crowd laughs]
"Some stuff came up on me."
[crowd roars]
[crowd titters]
[crowd howls]
[chuckles]
You know how they do that gun turn-in thing?
Like, they say, "Come on down, bring in your gun. Stop the violence."
Man, I went down there one time, man.
As soon as I hand them people that gun, "Get on the goddamn ground!"
I said, "Hey, what the fuck was that?"
"I just sat there and watched y'all take nine guns."
[crowd laughs, cackles]
They was like, "You just used this about ten minutes ago, nigga."
[crowd titters]
[crowd murmurs]
One of my buddies, man… Rest in peace, man.
He was in prison, man,
his mother tried to bring him some Jordans in prison.
So this lady about this tall with some size 15s on, she walked in.
[crowd laughs]
They said, "If you don't take them fucking shoes off…"
[laughter continues]
[woman howls]
[crowd titters]
She said, "I got the gout."
They said, "You going to jail…"
[crowd laughs]
"…if you don't take them skis off."
[crowd cackles, titters]
"You know damn well them ain't your shoes."
[crowd chuckles]
I've seen Magic Johnson's son, Tamar Braxton…
-I mean, EJ John… -[crowd laughs]
-Okay, y'all stop now. -[laughter continues]
[chuckles]
[crowd laughs, howls]
I need my little asthma thing, my little pump.
Y'all know damn well they look alike.
Don't fucking act like I'm sitting there picking on the motherfucker.
[crowd titters]
[woman cackles]
[crowd titters]
The value of pussy is much higher than the value of some penis, I'm telling you.
You see a penis on the side of the road,
you'll see cars just constantly keep hitting it.
[trilling]
"Fuck that shit."
[continues trilling]
[crowd laughs]
Unless a little gay guy sees it. He'll go, "Oh, hold up!"
[laughter continues]
"Wait a minute!"
[laughter continues]
"What did I just see?"
[laughter continues]
[crowd titters]
[sighs]
You see a piece of pussy on the side of the road, oh my God.
Gonna do a U-turn in the middle of the street.
[mimics tires squealing]
Jump out, grab it. [blows]
[crowd laughs]
"Let me call you back. I just found a pussy in front of Long John Silver's."
[laughter continues]
[crowd titters]
The lady whose pussy is missing is walking around sad.
[quavers] "I can't believe my pussy's missing."
[gasps, quavers]
"Oh God."
[crowd titters]
Putting up wanted signs and shit.
[crowd chuckles]
-The guy calls… -[mimics phone ringing]
She answers the phone, "Hello?" [quavers]
"Yeah, are you the lady who lost her pussy?"
[crowd cackles]
"Yes, it is. It's me."
[crowd titters]
"I got it." "Oh my God."
"Yep, I got your pussy over here."
[crowd chuckles]
"Yep. I'm going to let you know I beat it up a bit."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
"Well, it ain't going to be in the shape you had it when you had it."
[crowd roars]
[crowd titters]
"I lost that little ring that was in it that came…"
"There was a little ring at the tip of it, that came out."
-"I don't know where it went." -[crowd howls]
"I don't know if it went down the sink or what."
[crowd titters]
I think there's an age limit on oral sex. Like, fuck that, nigga.
At a certain age, you ain't supposed to be licking on nothing.
[crowd laughs]
'Cause if you do, you going to taste the medicine in it.
[laughter continues]
You gonna lick down there and taste some Metamucil.
[crowd roars, howls]
[crowd laughs, titters]
[chuckles]
[crowd titters]
See, I love Black people, man, 'cause we…
We do shit don't nobody do, man, you know?
Like, we box up shit.
[man chuckles]
I don't give a fuck where we go,
we taking something with us.
[crowd titters]
There'd be three wings left. "Box all that up."
[crowd laughs]
"Put all that shit in that box."
"Put that with the celery, all that, put all that in there."
[laughter continues]
The waiter would be like, "Why don't he eat this shit? There's three wings left."
[laughter continues]
We like getting up with our underwear on
in front of the microwave at 3:00 in the morning.
[mimics beeping tone]
"What you got?"
"I got them wings from earlier when we went to the thing."
[beeping tone continues]
[crowd titters]
Y'all been watching The Upshaws?
[crowd cheers, applauds]
Yeah.
[woman cheers]
Everybody been watching it.
And I'm happy, you know what I mean?
Even the A-B-C-D-E-F-G
H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P community.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd cackles]
-They took all the letters, didn't they? -[man] That's right!
[crowd titters]
I tell Black men all the time, man.
If you're homophobic, you're hiding something.
[crowd titters]
Yeah.
It's always a red flag when you see some guy mad at gay people.
[crowd murmurs]
Yeah. You're like, "Oh, wait a minute."
[crowd titters]
"That anger is stemming from somewhere."
[crowd laughs]
Come on out, live free.
[laughter continues]
You don't have to live in pain like that.
[light clapping]
Don't give a fuck what nobody thinks, be who you are.
Just do that shit over there.
[crowd roars, laughs]
[crowd titters]
But for real, I had a friend, man. He was a drug dealer, man.
There was gay guys across the street from him.
He was mean as hell to the gay dudes.
For real. If they just looked at him,
he was like, "What the fuck you looking at?"
I was like, "Wow, he's just mean to them."
So one night, he got in a shootout with somebody.
And they shot him up.
[mimics machine gun fire]
And he crawled to his front door,
but he fell unconscious.
And when he came to, he was in the hospital.
This is a true story, all his family was around, they was all…
He was like, "Boy, God is good." They was like, "Yeah, man,
if it weren't for the neighbors, you wouldn't be here."
He was like, "What?" They was like, "Yeah."
"The two gay guys saved your life across the street."
[crowd titters]
Like, "For real?" They was like, "Yes."
[crowd murmurs]
He's like, "Can I ask you a question? How did they save me?"
[crowd laughs]
[laughter continues]
"Several ways, they saved you."
[laughter continues]
"They gave you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation for 30 minutes."
[woman] What?
[chuckles]
[crowd titters]
"They said you was bleeding from inside. They had to put their finger in your ass…"
-[crowd howls] -"…to stop the bleeding."
[crowd cackles]
"We still don't know if it was a finger that they used."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
[inhales]
He said, "I'm going to kill them when I get out." [laughs]
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters, cackles]
"Them two motherfuckers are dead!"
[crowd laughs]
"Nigga, they saved your life."
[crowd titters]
Y'all give it up for Deion Sanders, y'all. Deion Sanders, man.
[crowd cheers, applauds]
I'm happy for Prime Time.
[crowd] Yeah!
Yeah, man, that's good to see a brother…
He came all the way from an HBCU, man, and just…
-[man] Yeah! -You know?
Winning them games, Lil Wayne, everybody coming out.
That's a beautiful celebration, man, you know.
Man, but he just ain't the same Prime, you know?
'Cause that little half a Kunta Kinte foot he got…
[crowd roars]
He'd be out there, "Throw the ball!"
"Throw the ball!"
[crowd laughs, howls]
[crowd cackles]
He can't even do his dance right no more.
[crowd laughs, groans]
[crowd cackles, howls]
Them little two toes is gone.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
He gonna kill me for this.
[crowd laughs]
I've been talking about all these guys being sellouts.
Kevin Hart,
Will Smith, Jamie Foxx.
I've been calling…
Tom Hanks, all them niggas. I've been calling all them.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
I've been calling all of them sellouts for years.
'Cause they… I said it. They sold out.
They did whatever it took to get that money.
-They sold out. -[woman] Yeah!
[crowd titters]
But now…
[crowd laughs]
I'm getting a little older, y'all.
[laughter continues]
[crowd titters]
Being a real nigga is not paying like I thought it was.
[crowd laughs]
I think I'm ready to sell out.
[laughter continues]
I'm Mike Epps. I love y'all, Phoenix.
[crowd cheers, whistles]
Phoenix, Arizona!
[cheers, whistles continue]
[upbeat funk music plays]
[music continues]