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Hey, man. Spare some change?
Whatever, jerk.
Fuck you, you fuckin' snowflakes!
He's fine!
No, he's doing that hunching thing again.
Baby, he's fine.
Hey, Dave!
- What happened to the $20? - I gave it to you.
Fuck.
Oh, here it is. Here it is.
Thank you, sir.
Bye, Dave!
- Are the bumpers out? - Yeah.
You might wanna straighten her out.
Thank you!
- You gave him water, right? - I sure did.
I'm thinking maybe we go to Mud Key today, instead of Boca Grande.
Whatever you think.
Yeah. It looks like tide isn't gonna be low there
'til, like, 3:00 or 4:00, and we'll be long gone, anyway.
Unless you'd rather go to Boca Grande.
You know how much I love you, right?
Hi, there!
♪ We're going to Montserrat In the Caribbean Sea ♪
♪ Montserrat My friends and me ♪
Don't go so close to the mooring ball.
It's fine! We're fine, babe.
You ran over that other guy's anchor yesterday.
I wouldn't say we're so fine.
I didn't run it over. We just got tangled in it.
♪ Montserrat Where we can be free ♪
♪ We will go to a volcano ♪
♪ Have a ball Going up to the fall ♪
♪ We're going to Montserrat In the Caribbean Sea ♪
- Look out for the grass there. - I see it. I see it.
- Oh, God. Ugh! - Oh, my God.
I don't know what happened.
I swear I was following tracks.
Maybe low tide came in early?
'Cause tides are whimsical like that.
♪ Of Christ their King ♪
♪ Splash in a stream In a warm sunbeam ♪
Get the dog!
I got him.
♪ They will burst When the land gets thirsty ♪
I know, right, Pepe? Shoot me if this ever gets old.
Oh, I will.
Oh, great. We have neighbors today.
And such lovely ones, at that.
Maybe we'll recognize them from the Capitol attack.
Yeah, that could be the bullhorn lady.
Hopefully these yahoos aren't in the mood to string up any lesbians.
I'd pull in to the right, over there.
I would love to, if she would move.
She has to. This isn't her island.
Hi, there. Uh, excuse me. We'd like to pull in here.
- Okay, get the dog! - Thank you!
- Do you have the dog? - Yes, yes, I've got him.
Jesus, Jodi, not so fast!
What the fuck?
- That didn't sound good. - Fuck!
All right, check the anchor.
- I... I'm holding the dog! - All right, I'll get the anchor.
Fuck! Jesus.
It's okay, it's okay.
♪ Naughty farmer's daughter With a tractor tattoo ♪
I'm so sorry. Baby, are you gonna come get him from me?
I am working on it.
You don't need to do that.
You got it beached pretty good. Y'all ain't going anywhere.
We're total newbies, if you couldn't tell.
Baby, I need you to take him from me.
Here.
Okay, hold on.
Here you go. Watch his ear!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Okay, ready? Look!
- Look! Where's his thing? - Baby. Baby.
- Thank you. Thank you. - That's what I'm here for.
Go, go, go.
God, is this gorgeous.
What happened to taking it easy with him?
He wants to play. What are you gonna do?
Baby, can you get a clip of this?
Of you playing ball with the dog?
- Yeah! - I don't know where my phone is.
What's wrong with him, anyway?
Well, he tweaked his back in the Chihuahua Races a few weeks ago.
Believe it or not, he's a mix.
We're hoping to not have to do an MRI,
or even worse, spinal surgery.
So for now, we're trying acupuncture and laser therapy.
- Jesus Christ. - I know. It's a lot.
He's also on anti-inflammatories and muscle relaxers.
Where y'all from?
Here.
Well, part-time here, part-time California.
- This is our second home. - But we come as much as we can.
What about you guys?
We live here. Year-round.
Oh! I am so jealous. Are you guys Conchs?
- We're here over 20 years. - Originally from West Virginia.
Oh, nice. So what brought you guys down to the Keys?
- DJ was in the Navy. - For a second or two.
Well, thank you for your service.
Babe, can you please get me a beer?
You couldn't have asked me that a second ago?
Women, am I right?
Ow! Jesus, babe!
I'm sorry, I thought you were looking.
That hurt! You could've hit me in the head.
Thank you so much.
- Women, am I right? - That's not funny.
- I'm sorry, baby. - Are you?
Okay, thank you.
Y'all need something to keep your drinks cold?
Oh, thank you so much!
- Thank you. - My name is Liz, by the way.
And Little Mouth That Roared over here, that's my wife, Jodi.
DJ. That over there is Amber.
- Hey. - My better half. Sometimes.
You hydrating between rounds?
Oh, I'm just not drinking right now.
- Why? - I'm just taking a little break.
You're allowed to say you're not drinking, babe.
That's a good thing. You should be proud.
Liz is an attorney, and she thinks you're gonna somehow hold it against her.
The lawyer part or the not-drinking part?
Exactly.
So, uh, DJ, you had a stint in the Navy?
What do you do now?
Mmm, I'm mostly in construction.
Jodi flips houses.
I mean, that's what I do in LA. I just started doing it here.
Babe?
Yeah, I don't know. I just kind of feel bad.
It's not the most socially acceptable thing to be doing.
- Ugh. - Yahtzee.
Fuck socially acceptable.
Okay, thank you!
I mean, if I wasn't doing it, someone else would, right?
It's not like I'm single-handedly raising property values.
I'm just playing the game.
We rent a condo over in Searstown
and our owner decided to sell it, so he just gave us notice.
Does it need a lot of work?
Shit breaks all the time.
What is he asking for it?
I'm just curious.
We're looking at places up the Keys.
Sugarloaf, Big Pine.
- I hear it's really nice up there. - Yeah.
And how great would it be if you guys could buy something?
Uh, we can't.
You know what? Jodi should get DJ's number.
She's always looking for a good contractor.
I'm, uh, more of a handyman now.
Smaller projects, things like that.
Yeah.
Real fuckin' small.
It's just hard finding good workers down here.
Right, right. What with everyone being so transient.
I don't know about that.
People come and go all the time.
He knows what "transient" means, babe.
They're all a bunch of illegals.
Now, hold on. Let me finish before y'all go off on me.
They gotta be paid under the table.
They don't pay any taxes on that, and then send all that money
back to whatever the hell country they're from,
and none of it goes back into our system.
DJ, they don't wanna hear it.
You know what? It's okay. It's okay. I get it.
I'm a big rule-follower.
It isn't right.
Huh.
What?
I like to do things on the up-and-up.
- Mmm. - My wife here, not so much.
What are you even talking about?
Uh, right now she's trying to beat the system,
be an influencer, and not have to work anymore.
What's your handle again?
I'm... I'm not trying to beat the system and not work anymore.
And it's @FlippinAwesome,
no "G," dollar sign, exclamation point.
And you've got, like, 1,800 followers?
Almost. Almost. I need some new content.
Good poopie, buddy!
Should I get a clip of that?
That's funny. That's cute, babe.
I'm trying to pull back the curtain and be open with my audience,
establish a lifestyle, grow followers.
You don't get it.
That is a beautiful poopie.
Are you just gonna marvel at it, or are you gonna go pick it up?
He hasn't been going since he's been on his meds.
And, plus, he's anal-retentive anyway,
so when he does go, I like to make a big deal.
Are we still talking about this?
Thank you. Welcome to my world.
You're not gonna believe it, she actually has a song that she sings about it.
And if you're lucky, you're gonna hear it.
I'd rather lick a razor blade, and then eat a lemon.
Honey!
And then put Tabasco on it.
Write that one down.
So what do you catch here, DJ?
Oh, snook. Lemon shark.
Uh, mangrove snapper, sometimes.
Lemon shark? You can eat that?
Yeah, sure. You can eat just about anything you catch out here.
That's amazing. What do you use for bait?
Well, Chihuahua mixes are best,
but I wasn't sure how y'all would feel about that.
Very funny, DJ. Very dry. It kind of creeps up on you. I like that.
But seriously, what do you use for bait?
Oh, just some mullet.
Not your wife's hairdo, babe.
By the way, you guys, this is intentional. They're back in style. So.
That's unfortunate.
Did not know.
You fish?
It's been a long time, but I love it.
Hmm.
Yeah, my dad and I used to go out.
I did not know that.
Yeah. He would take me off the pier in Oceanside.
Hmm.
You're welcome to grab a rod, and have at it.
- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.
That'd be awesome.
Yep. Right on the cooler.
- That's the one. - Awesome.
All right, hook's out, so be careful.
- Okay, okay. - In fact, let's switch these.
- Okay. - Let me take this one.
Okay, thank you.
And...
Need me to bait that for you?
Oh, no. Can you just give me a mullet?
- Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. - Thank you.
Flies love 'em.
Thank you, sir.
You can go through the mouth, but you might wanna go through the back, under that fin.
- Right. - A little stronger.
Harder than it looks. But I got it, I got it.
- You got it? - It's coming back to me.
What are you guys planning to do here with all the accoutrements?
Uh, you got a lot of stuff out here.
We're camping here tonight.
Okay, that sounds awesome. Baby, we need to do that.
Okay, babe.
Well, with the tide not coming back in 'til 10:00
or 11:00 tonight, y'all may not have a choice.
Wait. I got an important Zoom at 7:00. Baby, I gotta get back by then.
Yeah, and if we all push, though, we're gonna be fine, right?
No, we're not staying tonight. I didn't pack anything.
We don't have treats. We don't have his meds.
Baby, we're gonna be fine.
But I just love that your biggest concern is the dog and his needs.
I don't know who needs who more.
Look at you!
- Yep. - You did it.
Right? Woot, woot!
Fuck.
Okay, now you gotta release the reel.
- Oh, right, right, right. - Here, watch this.
Just like this.
Jesus.
Okay, I gotcha.
I'm gonna have my sandwich. Do you want yours?
- No, not yet. - Okay. I'm gonna have mine.
Ah, fuck!
- Cast it on out there. - Okay.
As long as you get your bait wet, you got a chance.
Mm-hmm.
- That'll play. - Okay!
You're a great teacher, DJ. Do you guys have any kids?
We got four between the two of us.
I had a practice husband before him, and so did he.
Did you have a practice husband, too?
What, me? Fuck no.
I'm just teasing.
But I love that. Practice spouses.
So how old are your kids?
22 to 27. And six grandbabies.
No way.
Mm-hmm. We started young.
That's amazing. You guys don't look a day over 50.
We're not.
At least I'm not. DJ here just turned 51.
I got me an older man.
I can't wait to have grandkids.
How many of your kids did you guys have together?
None.
Well, we have three of our own.
We got an 18-year-old, a 16-year-old, and a 14-year-old.
She had them with her ex. I'm the step-monster.
Are they with their dad right now?
No. They're with their other mom.
I had a practice wife, too.
She's got 'em for two weeks in Maui.
Woot, woot!
Babe.
I like my downtime. So shoot me.
I'm still waiting for Peter Pan over here to grow up.
- Oh! Fish on. - What is it?
- Lemon shark, I think. - No way!
Babe, he said he catches them here.
Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Shit! Shit!
- Oh, boy. - Babe, get it!
I am!
- Get my knife, Ams. - I'm on it.
'Cause you're gonna cut it loose? Little catch and release action?
'Cause I'ma eat it.
What, babe, isn't that how you and your dad used to do?
Now just drop the tip and reel 'em in! Come on.
Jesus Christ, Amber! I know what I'm doing.
Shut that dog the fuck up!
♪ Mine eyes have seen The glory ♪
♪ Of the coming of the dog ♪
- Oh, good. Here she goes. - I swear to God,
that dog's going in the water if you don't shut it up!
♪ We could really write a blog ♪
♪ He has loosed The faithful lightning ♪
♪ Of his poop That's like a log ♪
God fucking damn it!
Good job, DJ! You break, I buy.
Yeah, tell yourself what you need to tell yourself. Okay?
It wasn't my fuckin' fault.
Goddamn it. You can be such a dick sometimes.
I tell you what, you're big fuckin' baby.
That's what you are, a baby.
Everything you touch turns to shit.
You're lucky I didn't snap that fuckin' rod over your fat head! Asshole.
I... I don't know about you guys,
but I'm a big believer in everything happening for a reason.
- Ugh. Oh, my God. - Oh, Jesus Christ.
What? What? It's true.
Jodi and I were this close to swiping the other way for each other.
Babe, they don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, y'all met on a sex app.
It was a dating app.
Isn't that the same thing?
You haven't been single for a while, have you?
No, I have not.
We met the good old-fashioned way: Drunk at a bar.
I hear that. That works, too.
Oh, my God. I love this song. Turn it up!
And she makes fun of me for singing to the dog.
Come on, baby. Dance with me.
♪ In New Orleans ♪
I'm great. No.
♪ They call the Rising Sun ♪
♪ That's been the ruin Of many a poor boy ♪
♪ And God, I know I'm one ♪
What was she like when she drank?
You don't wanna know.
If this is so wrong, I don't wanna be right.
♪ She sewed my new blue jeans ♪
I am one lucky, lucky lady.
Babe?
Babe!
Boo!
Hey, your friend's calling for you.
- My friend? - Babe, I need you!
Okay, okay! What happened?
I broke my fucking tooth!
Are you in pain?
I'm ready to go back now.
Okay. Hey, what can I do, baby?
Sober up from your sparkling water
and get us the fuck out of here!
Okay. It's okay. You know what?
We're gonna get you to an emergency dentist.
- It's all gonna be okay. - Good luck with that.
Well, there's gotta be someone around here!
I mean getting out.
Well, what if we all push together?
Come on.
Here we go.
Go!
- Oh, look, it didn't work. - Baby. Baby.
Should we have her trim up the engine?
If anything, she needs to hop out, and help us push.
Okay. Come on, my love. Come on. It's gonna be okay, I promise you.
- On your count. - On three. One, two, three. Up!
Okay. What if I trim down the engine, and just fucking floor it?
Okay, okay. Okay.
- Okay, go. - Babe, you're breaking the boat!
I'm not breaking the boat!
- You're doing more damage. - Well, what do you want me to do?
- Get the radio! - Okay. Okay. I got the radio.
My God, the radio!
- I got it! - Fuck!
Goddamn it.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Un-fucking-believable.
What, are you calling a dentist?
I'm saving myself,
because my wife was too busy whooping it up to do it herself.
I would prefer no love right now.
Sorry.
- Channel 16? - For dental emergencies? I'm not sure.
Mayday.
What's your emergency?
I busted my tooth on a cherry pit,
and I'm in a lot of pain and there's a lot of blood.
Are you still there?
Yes, ma'am.
What is it that you'd like for me to do?
Well, the tide is really low right now,
and I did a real number when I parked our boat,
and we can't get out.
We're in that little beach over on Mud Key.
Ma'am, this channel is
designated for distress and emergency calls.
It's not used for conversation.
I'm sorry to hear about your tooth.
I do know a pretty good periodontist up in Cudjoe I can recommend.
Uh, no, thank you. But thank you anyway.
Baby, get the number.
Okay, I'll take the number, please.
Sweetheart, this is something you're gonna be needing to Google on your own.
I believe they're called Keys Dental Solutions.
Thank you so much. Thanks a fucking lot.
I can't believe this is where our tax dollars are going!
Oh, yeah. Don't get DJ started on that.
Tell you what. Let's find something to apply pressure.
You two sit tight for a few hours, and wait for the tide to come back in.
Define "a few."
Five or six.
That's several, not a few.
All right, what about your shirt?
- It's new. - Okay?
It wasn't cheap!
Honey, that's okay. We'll get you a new one.
I don't want a new one!
Okay, now you're just being a baby.
What about your buff?
Okay, I don't really like this one.
Stuff it up in there.
It's sweaty and it's dirty.
Now is not the time to be a pussy.
Right in there.
All the way.
Ah! Ah! Ow. Ah.
Now what?
Well, now you chill the fuck out.
You can make one of your videos, baby.
There's a... there's this, uh, plant.
It's called, uh, cera... cera something. I don't know.
But it's supposed to be good for, um, kidneys and your skin.
It's also good for, um, blood. It's a good blood, uh... What's...
- Coagulator? - Yeah. Yeah.
We have a bunch of it. It's all over here, all over this island.
We have some outside of our building.
Yep, right back by the propane tank.
- It's probably out here in the mangroves. - Yeah.
- How do you spell it? - I don't... I don't know.
Okay. Fuck.
- Is that AT&T? - Uh-huh.
If you stand over there by that bush and hold it up real high...
- Okay. Okay. Okay. - You can at least get one bar.
Is it cerasee?
- I... I think it is. - I don't know, maybe.
- No, that's what it is. - Okay.
But it doesn't say anything here about being a good coagulator.
I don't know. I don't... Fuck, I don't know.
So you're saying it could be growing around here, too?
Yeah, maybe over in those mangroves.
Babe, want me to get your water shoes for you?
Honey, what was that?
Yes. Thank you.
Bon voyage.
I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier, babe.
I was stressed, and I'm scared.
One more time, princess?
I'm scared, I'm stressed,
and I don't wanna have a missing tooth.
I know you are, baby, and you won't. I promise.
Girl. It ain't no big thing. I got two of 'em. Look.
One up here and one down here. See?
You know, I don't even think I'd know what it looks like if I saw it.
All right, fine. Come on.
- I'll take you. - Okay.
It'd suck if she got poison ivy in her mouth.
- Or poison oak. Come on. - Okay.
Wait. I've gotta put it in my mouth?
Be right back. Hey...
and while we're gone, DJ, don't you go hitting on my wife, okay?
- Oh, my God. - What? It's not my fault
I'm married to the hottest woman on the planet.
- Come on! - Okay, okay. Coming.
I'm sorry. She thinks I'm, like, a supermodel.
That's, uh... that's nice.
And she's, like, insanely jealous, too.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go... go get my fishing pole.
Okay.
So what'd you say you do for work again, Amber?
I didn't.
I work over at Hideaways.
Oh! That's on Duval, right?
The place with all the license plates all over the walls?
No, it's a vacation rental company.
They pay me to deal with all sorts of bullshit.
Like, uh, "Oh, mangoes keep dropping into the pool,"
or, "There's ghost ants all over the counter on the bread we left out,"
or, "The AC stopped working. Waaah!"
I don't know.
So, what, you're a lawyer?
Yeah. At a big streaming company.
Oh. Well, that's cool. Which one?
- The big one. - Seriously?
- Seriously. - Oh, you need to tell them
to bring back that cooking show with Paris.
That's programming. I'm public policy.
Oh. Okay.
You don't watch that crap, do you?
Mm-hmm. I like to know how the other half lives.
Well, you know it's not real, right?
Well, it's different from my life. Okay? And that's good enough.
Sometimes it's just nice to get away.
I get that.
Shit. You know what? We should've brought beers.
Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I forgot you stopped drinking.
- I'm so sorry about that. - Hey, hey, that's okay.
- You didn't do anything. I did. - What's that?
Why did you stop drinking, anyway?
- Primarily health reasons. - Well, duh.
Nobody drinks 'cause it's good for you.
You know what? Hey, life's too short. Woo!
Yeah.
That's right. Life is too short.
- All the more reason for me to quit. - Mmm.
There aren't any snakes around here, are there?
Sure there are. We just stepped over one a second ago.
- What? - Jesus Christ! Holy... Dang...
I'm sorry if we ruined your time here.
Come again?
I'm sorry if we ruined your day.
No, it's fine.
Everything was probably nice and mellow, 'til we rolled up.
Not exactly.
Amber does this thing sometimes where she doesn't talk to me,
so it actually wasn't all that nice.
Were you guys in a fight?
I don't know what the hell I did.
That's just how she gets sometimes.
I bet Liz would love if I stopped talking to her.
She tunes me out half the time, anyway.
I don't think she'd like it as much as she thinks.
Not as great as it seems.
Hey, you don't have any Advil, do you?
Not on me.
You still in pain?
Yeah. I think when I broke my tooth,
something might have gotten exposed.
You got any gum?
Don't you think that's the last thing I should be doing?
I'm talking about taking a little piece of chewed-up gum,
stuffing it up in there, to protect it.
That's actually a really good idea.
No, I wish I did.
Oh, I couldn't.
Not the whole thing. Just a little piece.
Mmm...
I don't have cooties.
I've already had Covid, like, four times.
Eh...
Whatever. Stick your buff back in your mouth.
I don't care.
Okay. Thank you.
All right. There you go.
Ball that up, get it up in there.
Thank you.
It's gonna hurt, but it'll feel better after.
Ah!
What's the matter?
I'm scared to touch it.
Here, give it over.
You're gonna do it?
Yeah. Sit down.
Will you be gentle?
Yeah. Is that as wide as you can open your mouth?
- Mm-hmm. - Oh, Jesus Christ. Tilt your head back.
You're not gonna bite me, are you?
All right, hold still. Get up in here.
All right. Oh, there it is.
Okay. Almost done.
Ah!
Thank you so much.
Don't mention it.
I thought I could do it, but I couldn't.
You'll get it next time.
God, is this gorgeous.
Mm-hmm.
Fuck the cerasee.
I could stay here all day.
True that.
You okay, there?
Yeah. I'm just looking for that plant shit.
Yeah, it seems like you and DJ have got a good thing going.
What's your secret?
Sometimes I think you people have the right idea,
just ditch the men, and not have to deal with all of their bullshit.
I'd be right there with you...
if I could stomach poontang.
And it's true.
I couldn't eat out another woman's twat if you paid me.
- No offense. - Hey, none taken.
Oh, you know what? Don't hold me to it, but I think this is it.
Mm-hmm. Come here.
Okay, hold on a sec.
- It... it's close, but... - No.
This is it. This is it.
Okay, here, let me get some.
- Take that back for you. - Okay, thank you.
And...
ooh, there's some here. For me.
I mean, who wouldn't want good skin and kidneys, right?
Right.
And if I'm wrong and it's poison ivy,
we'll know in about 12 hours or so.
Ooh, here's some more.
Okay, you put your index finger here, like a trigger.
Take it back, push it down with your thumb,
flick it and let it fly. Okay?
- Mm-hmm. - I'm not gonna do it for you.
- You gotta do it yourself. - Okay.
Bring it back. That's it. That's right.
Thumb down. Let it fly.
Ha!
You're a natural! Look at that! High-five! Yeah!
Wow! What did we miss here?
Your fiancée is a total angler.
Fiancée?
I'm sorry, I don't know what y'all are calling it these days.
Um, for starters, she's my wife.
Just like you have a wife, I have a wife.
Oh, gentle! Gentle, babe.
Well, at least someone's feeling better.
Yeah, she just needed some time for the bleeding to stop.
Let it sit. Let it sit.
Who put the bait on for her?
I'm telling you, she did. She's a regular little fisherman.
- Fisherwoman. Yeah. - Dang it. I don't...
Fisherperson? I can't keep up.
You're fine, you're fine. Leave it.
Here I thought my wife was on her deathbed,
so I go off into the muck hunting for God knows what,
and little do I know, you two are sitting here
on the beach having the time of your lives.
- Here, babe. - Thank you.
I will... I will use those later. Thank you!
Yep. They're gonna come to it. It's right where you want it.
- Hold it still. - Mm-hmm.
All right. Yeah, bring it a little.
Well, I'm just glad you're feeling better, baby.
Thank you. Me, too. I was in a lot of pain.
But DJ's gum really helped.
Come again?
DJ gave me a piece of gum, and I put a tiny piece of it on the broken tooth,
and it helped to protect it.
What's going on here?
Nothing.
- Jodi Cohen-Jimenez. - What?
Nothing happened! I... I needed it to cover the wound.
I... It was crazy sensitive, I was in a lot of pain,
and he gave me a tiny piece of gum, and it did the trick.
Then why are you acting like such a weirdo?
I'm not! You're the weirdo!
Hey, DJ? I'd like a piece of gum, if you have.
I don't think there's any more gum.
Where's the wrapper?
- I don't know. I threw it away. - Where'd you throw it?
It's in the cooler somewhere.
Oh, my God, babe! It came from his mouth, okay?
We were in crisis mode, and we didn't have a choice.
"We"? What is he, your boyfriend now?
- Come on, babe. - Don't "come on, babe" me.
This is about the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
We just finished a global health crisis.
I don't care what the naysayers say.
He... he's already had it a bunch of times.
Wonderful. Even better.
You're just jealous because something that was in his mouth went into mine.
Well, yeah!
I think you got something there.
- Ooh. - Yep.
You took used gum from a complete stranger,
who can't even acknowledge that we're married,
and you put it in your mouth, and you chewed it.
No! I didn't chew it! I did not chew it.
I... I just put the little piece in there to cover up the exposed part.
Fish on. Snap it up. Snap it up.
- Drop the tip, and bail it! Woo! - Fuck!
There's an art to it. You gotta go up and down.
That's right, baby. Work it! Yeah!
- That's right! - Up and down. You gotta go up and down.
Up and down!
- You gotta work it! - Up and down.
- What is it? - Oh! Mangrove snapper, baby!
- She's a beaut! - Gonna make a couple tacos out of her.
Jesus Christ, that was my fucking dinner.
- Fuck you, dickwad. - Fuck you first.
Keep your hands off my wife, asshole.
Are you kiddin' me? I got zero interest in that.
Why? What's wrong with her?
Wait, don't tell me.
I know exactly what you are, you homophobic scumbag.
- Excuse me? - You heard me,
you "let's go, Brandon" election-denying dipshit.
What the hell are you talking about?
Motherfucking misogynist.
My body, my rights.
What did you tell her?
I didn't say anything!
You know, I don't have to listen to this psychotic bullshit.
The second I saw the two of you,
I knew you were a couple of anti-American libtards
ruinin' my fucking country.
You and that prissy-ass, woke-ass dog of yours.
"Your" country?
I'm just as American as you are, you supremacist fuck.
And by the way, that attack you just made?
Let me teach you something, called an ad hominem fallacy.
Speak fuckin' English, bitch! It's the least you can do.
Oh, Bubba, you just crossed a very serious line here.
Congratulations! You're in hate crime territory.
Are you getting this on camera?
I think he was referring to the legal term you threw out there.
I don't give a flying fuck what he was referring to!
This piece of shit is just another angry white man,
unhappy in every element of his life. No offense.
He blames everyone else for his problems.
He rejects facts. He rejects science.
Why aren't you catching this on camera?
This is heavier stuff. Audiences tend to go for lighter content.
And you know what? You've gotta stop with the "fiancée" bullshit.
This is my wife, DJ.
We're married, just like you are.
Our marriage is just as legitimate as yours.
At least in this moment, it still is.
It is impossible to know what the fuck you people wanna be called
because it changes every fucking day!
Wives and wives, DJ!
Is that so hard?
We're wife and wife, just like you are.
You know what sickens me most?
These two insurgent idiots,
- who very well may be cousins... - What?
...somehow will always have a marriage that's more legitimate than ours.
You know what sickens me?
You people need a whole fuckin' month to celebrate
your stupid fuckin' prancing around, rainbow special-attention bullshit!
Give me a fuckin' break.
What? Seriously!
When is straight people day, huh?
When the hell is straight people day? Explain that one to me!
Every fuckin' day is straight people day, DJ!
Every fuckin' day!
Fuck!
Let's go.
Thank you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Can I get you your sandwich?
My...
How dare that clueless jackass.
He's never had to stick his red neck out for anything.
He doesn't even recognize his privilege.
Entitled communist. She has everything handed to her,
and it's still not good enough.
Thought this would be fuckin' nice.
Like I would know.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna get us the fuck out of here.
By calling us an Uber?
No! I'm gonna hire a charter company.
Well, and we just leave the boat here?
Maybe they could tow us out. I don't know, honey.
Okay, well, what if we get Duck Dynasty to help pull us out with their boat?
I'm sure they don't want us here, either.
I am not asking them for anything.
Maybe we could tug 'em out of there.
I mean, not to be neighborly or anything, but...
just to get rid of 'em.
They're beached pretty good. Look how bad the boat's listing.
They're not going anywhere for a while.
I used to always judge toothless people, like,
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Fix that shit."
And now I'm gonna be one of 'em.
You're not gonna be one of them. We are gonna get fixed.
Mmm.
Check it out.
- Sucks to be them. - Yes, it does.
Buddy, you got to eat something.
Eat, buddy. Come on.
He... he ate this morning. He's fine.
Oh, my God, of course.
What are we supposed to do?
Are you kidding?
You're the one who took the online boating class.
Yeah, but it was all crap like how many times to honk your horn
when you're going around a barge.
Why do I feel like I have to handle everything?
All you do is play on your phone,
and relax, and do whatever it is you do.
- Do I look relaxed to you? - No.
It would just be so nice for once to be taken care of.
Is this because I gave the dog a piece of your sandwich?
Where's your sandwich?
I might have split it with DJ earlier.
Where are the leaves?
Babe, look. Look! I'm... I'm gonna use one of those leaves that you got me.
Oh, my God. You know what? I think they're working already.
I think they're actually working.
And we're sure they're not poisonous, right?
Would it be okay...
if I put the dental putty back in?
You mean that dickwad's used gum?
Go ahead.
If it's okay with you, I think I'm gonna cry.
Of course. Thank you for letting me know.
Yeah.
At least the rain may get us out of here sooner.
You're not supposed to do that.
Do what?
The whole toxic optimism thing.
You're trying to talk us out of our feelings.
- You're right. I'm sorry. - No, it's okay. It's okay.
I can't tell. Are you crying?
Yeah, I am.
What can I do?
Maybe console me?
I just wish that you cared about me
half as much as you care about the dog.
♪ Mine eyes have seen the glory Of the coming of my wife ♪
♪ She is trampling Out the vintage ♪
♪ Drinking lots of Herbalife ♪
Okay, I'm good. I'm good, I'm good.
- No more? - No, I'm good.
Are you still crying?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I should be eating snapper right now, or that shark.
Better yet, feminist ho-bags.
♪ Watchin' you ♪
What the hell is this?
- It's a vegan burger. - Ah, fuck!
- What? - Come on.
I saw it on that Paris cooking show.
Are you fuckin'... You didn't even fuckin' try it.
I thought you checked the weather this morning.
I did! This morning.
Well, at least the rain can cool things down.
I wouldn't wanna be them right now.
I wouldn't wanna be them, ever.
- I'm gonna go get 'em. - The hell you are.
What? It's the right thing to do.
Now, you can stay down in your gutter right there if you want,
but personally, I like to take the high road.
Since when?
- I thought you loved country music. - Not today.
Hey! Y'all wanna come hang out in here with us 'til the rain stops?
No, thank you.
Ain't gonna fit. Two-person tent.
What? I'm not going. You can.
Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
Suit yourself!
♪ I tried again ♪
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Knock, knock!
Thank you for having us.
- It's like a clown car in here. - Jesus Christ.
♪ If I don't make it ♪
♪ What would everyone think ♪
- Bless you. - Bless you.
At least nobody in here has Covid.
- Stop it. - What?
♪ Hard as I try To leave this dock ♪
♪ I'm an anchor Dropped in the sand ♪
Can I get y'all a drink or something?
It's... it's pretty much just beers and White Claws, but...
We're fine, thanks.
Oh!
Oh, uh, no, thanks.
What the hell's wrong with him, anyway?
He's not a huge fan of getting soaked.
What kind of music do y'all wanna listen to? George Michael?
Oh, what about that guy who fucked his cousin?
Allegedly, that was Ricky Martin. Um...
but, uh, we're gonna be getting out of here as soon as the rain stops, thanks.
Y'all are vegetarians, right?
How would you like a delicious vegan-style hamburger?
We're not vegans or vegetarians, uh, thank you very much.
But at least she made you a sandwich.
My wife gave my sandwich to the dog.
More toxic optimism, babe.
Oh, Jesus. Sorry, Genesis!
Y'all into the Bible?
She's our therapist.
When you tell someone to look at the bright side,
you're actually discounting their feelings.
Okay.
How do you have a signal?
She doesn't need it for that.
Boy, have they got her number.
The money she spends on that game...
Oh, yeah, and who makes that money?
And you spend more than your fair share of money on bullshit.
So sweet!
Oh, speak of the devil.
Oh, we're fine, thanks.
Does my patriotism offend you?
Not at all. I am in love with my country.
Ha!
No, she really does.
Why does that surprise you?
Am I somehow less of an American than you are?
Not at all.
My bad.
I like it!
Nicotine or cannabis?
Who's asking?
Jesus Christ, DJ. Turn your head.
It's not Covid.
Okay. You still cover your fucking mouth.
Super Lemon Haze.
It's weed, right? It's... it's DJ's Pepe.
You suck.
- Babe! - What?
How do you use this thing, anyway?
You just put it in your mouth and suck it.
Should I wipe it off first?
Your spit's already been in my wife's mouth. I think we're good.
I don't think you should be doing that.
Okay, Mom.
No, come on. You know what I'm talking about.
What? You think I'm gonna get high all the time now?
Yeah.
Jesus Christ!
Atta girl.
She's got major abandonment issues.
Fuck off! Fuck off.
I'm sorry, but you do.
Oh! Okay.
Look at us all smoke a mean peace pipe.
- Babe! - What did I do now?
That's so offensive. Isn't it?
See, now what the fuck is so offensive about that?
It's only been in about a million movies and TV shows.
That's DJ's excuse for everything.
If he sees it on TV, then it's got to be okay.
I know it's a trope. I was just being ironic.
And besides, I can say that.
- 'Cause I'm part Native American. - Really?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Most Mexicans are at least 20% Native American.
- Huh. - I did not know that.
The things one learns when stuck on a deserted island.
- How? - Oh, no. Oh, my God.
- How? - How?
We're just having fun here.
So it's fun when you say so, but otherwise, not so much.
Womp, womp.
Why are you such a party pooper?
So DJ, the ganja's your thing?
I'll say.
I think it's important to have an outlet.
- Here we go. - Boom!
DJ's weed playlist.
Liz isn't so great at dealing with reality, either.
You're not! She likes to call it "focusing on the positive,"
but, really, it's sweeping everything under the rug.
Potato, po-tah-to.
Oh, my God. I think I know why I pick on you.
- Why? - Oh, you're gonna love it.
Because you're so happy all the time, and I'm not,
and it pisses me off because I wanna be, and I try to be,
and then I get more upset, because I feel like there's something wrong with me.
Oh, my God, sweetheart.
I'm not happy either!
You're not?
Nope. It's just a show.
I'm just completely covering for all of my pain.
Oh, my God, babe! I knew it!
All along, deep down, I knew it. Ugh.
Ugh. My miserable self loves you.
Hmm.
You remind me of, um...
ooh, what's her bucket?
- Ellen. - Yes! That's it!
How'd you know?
- We're both lesbians. - Yes!
What... Hey.
What are you doing?
Damn.
Fuck!
So tell me, DJ.
Why is it that you feel the need to check out?
I'll give you my reasons, but tell me yours, first.
Hmm. That's an excellent question.
Never really thought about it before.
I guess it's because my life didn't turn out how I thought it would.
I played baseball in high school.
Our son Gavin plays baseball! What position?
Babe, let him finish.
Oh, I'm sorry. I just got excited. Please continue, DJ.
And you know what? I'm sorry that I picked on you. Please continue being excited.
Deej?
I pitched. That's all there is to it.
I think I thought I was better than I probably was.
I bet you were great. I can tell.
Williamson College of the Trades wanted me.
For baseball?
It's in Pennsylvania.
Good for you.
But then he went and got his practice wife pregnant.
Tale as old as time.
She wasn't my practice wife at the time.
We got married after that.
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up, like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester, and then run?
- Babe? - What?
I'm just trying to relate.
Is that what that was? Are you?
Yeah.
Liz went to Stanford.
Who cares?
I studied Comparative Lit before law school. So sue me.
So, DJ, is that why you...
Because you didn't get to play college baseball like you hoped?
Junior college baseball.
Hey! We all got to start somewhere.
It makes a lot of sense.
I never thought about it that way before.
Uh, it's pretty basic shit, boo.
You're not happy, you numb out. Case closed.
What, you thought you smoked your way out of the Navy
because you were so thrilled with your life?
They got a zero-tolerance policy.
I didn't have any follow-through on that one, either.
This life business ain't easy, compadre.
Sometimes it feels like everybody's winning but me.
Shit.
Feels really good to face this shit.
You know, I have spent all my life
people-pleasing, trying to make everyone else happy.
And it is absolutely exhausting.
Well, then why do you do it?
'Cause I'm deathly afraid of conflict.
You could've fooled me.
So, I had a tough mom who had way too many expectations of me,
and I spent so much time trying to make her happy, and win her approval.
And that was never gonna happen, 'cause she hated you for being gay.
That's right, she did.
Man, that's gotta suck.
- I mean, not only were you Mexican... - Still am.
Right. So, you're still Mexican,
and then you're also this other thing.
Gay. You can say it.
Gay. And then you got your whole family turning on you.
Then, of course, my mom had to die, like, a couple years ago.
And now I can never make it right with her.
That fuckin' blows.
What if you don't need to make it right with your dead mom?
What if you just need to make it right with you...
in here?
What is that?
It's the ASL sign for "I love you."
- Oh, my God. You people deaf, too? - No!
I'm just feeling happy, and emotional, and connected with you.
- You are so fucking high, babe! - I am. I really am.
- Hey, Jodi? - Mmm?
You're a wonderful wife, most of the time.
Thank you for putting up with all of my crap.
Aw!
And I put up with your crap, too.
Yeah, but it's not a competition, babe.
I put up with so much from you.
Oh, my God. I don't wanna hear it.
Hey!
You and me are the only males here, buddy.
We are stuck on an island with a bunch of angry Karens.
Oh-ho-ho! Thank you.
Karen? I'm not a Karen. That makes no sense.
Hey, give me five. Here you go. Give me a little five.
I'm a lesbian and a Latina.
Welcome to my world.
And what about you, Ams? What's your story?
Uh, I don't know.
My childhood was normal enough, I guess.
I heard worse.
Come on. What is normal, anyway?
What are your goals and dreams?
What gets you out of bed in the morning?
That shit's just a time suck,
and it's just setting you up for disappointment.
But look how great your life turned out, anyway.
You're happily married. You've got wonderful kids, and grandkids.
You haven't met 'em.
I mean, isn't that what you're supposed to do, anyway?
Get married, and have babies?
I mean, what else the hell is there?
Whatever you want! Life is what you make of it.
Yeah. Okay, Pollyanna.
Jesus.
That sounds like an awful lot.
Bravo. Encore.
Encore. She had you guys, didn't she?
Did you fall for all her "woe is me" bullshit?
I used to. "My mama left us. My daddy beat on us."
And then there's the one she'll tell you that I made her give up the baby.
- But she didn't want it, either. - That's not true.
I would've kept it if the situation was better.
Not having any money, or 'cause we were married to other people?
- Both? - That's a load of crap, and you know it.
I didn't want it. You didn't want it.
Neither of us did.
Let's see if the rain's let up.
Nope!
Uh...
So, wait a minute.
If you had an abortion... which I am in no way judging you for...
I'm pro-choice, if you could've guessed.
Not that I advocate killing babies.
It's just that I think everyone should have the choice.
My point is, why are you anti-abortion now?
- Who says they are, babe? - Oh, we are.
Both of you?
So how can you be against it,
when you guys went through it yourselves?
Well, it's just like you said.
We're against it because we went through it.
I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about that baby,
and what he could've been.
Or she.
And what my life might've been like with them in it.
Look at you, all gender-inclusive.
- Them? - What?
- Let me give you a hug. - I'm not a hugger.
Are you sure?
You're not filming this, are you?
Um, yeah, but it's for Genesis.
I think she'd be really proud of you.
Tell me you didn't do anything with that video of me singing and dancing.
I did, uh, try to do a live broadcast,
but I didn't have reception.
So you deleted it, correct?
Correct.
Now, don't get any ideas here, Amber.
I already told you, I don't eat pussy.
Oh, that's right.
Holy shit.
Longest two hours of my life.
Tell me about it.
No humping Mommy, buddy.
Good job, babe!
On three. Ready? One, two, three. Give it some power.
Hang on, hang on.
Are you trimmed down?
- Okay. - Mash it. Really mash it!
Woo!
Yeah!
There you go. Come on!
That's what I'm fuckin' talking about! Yeah! Woo!
Woo, woo, woo! Woo!
- Baby, do we have everything? - Yes, babe.
Well, thank you so much for helping us get out of here.
Oh, it was our pleasure.
And thank you so much for harboring us during the storm.
That part was not our pleasure.
Well, it... it was real nice meeting y'all.
You, too.
You're just a normal couple.
Like, you have fights, and hold grudges.
And you're just as miserable as we are.
That's right. We are.
- Babe! - What?
Let's get out of here before it gets dark.
Ah... okay.
Should we exchange numbers, or Insta, or...
Oh, no. I'm sure we'll run into y'all here again.
How about another hug?
Oh, nope.
I'll give you one.
- Hope you know you are my favorite squaw. - DJ!
What? I'm just complimenting her in her own language.
I knew you were. And you're my favorite cracker.
Babe!
- Got it. Bye, guys. - Bye!
- Y'all be careful. - Okay.
Good luck with your tooth!
Oh! Thank you so much. We'll let you know how it goes.
Pepe!
Pepe. Come here. Come here.
- You got it, babe? - Yeah.
All right, I gotcha. Be careful.
- I got it. I got it. - Yeah.
- I got it. - I got you. All right.
There they go.
Well, that was exhausting.
Tell me about it.
I thought we were bad.
I need a beer.
Oh. I'll be right back.
That was a lot.
It's so easy to forget that we all come from the same place.
But there's something about being out here on the water...
it's a big reminder.
Okay, Yoda.
Seriously. We're all essentially the same.
We're all hurting, and angry.
We all want something we can't have.
And we're all looking for a means to escape.
- But thank God we're not them. - Amen to that.
Jesus Christ.
Fuck. Fuck you!
We should probably get that.
Here you go, babe.
Okay...
- Got it? - I got it. Yeah.
Four o'clock. 4:30 toward 3:30.
I got it. Can you get closer?
Jesus, babe. Come on! Put it... get it down.
You got it, babe. Get it! Come on! Get closer!
- All right, fuck it. Fuck it. - Fuck it.
- All right.
- How's the tooth? - Fine.
- Get the dog. Get the dog! - I've got the dog!
- Hey! - Jesus, babe, slow down!
Why aren't the bumpers out?
You didn't tell me to put the bumpers out!
- How many times have we done this? - Too many!
Hey.
Does my chest look red?
Shit, maybe.
Fuckin' cera-cera... Fuck!
Fuck.
You put any of that shit near your face?
I don't know. I might've smelled it to make sure what it was.
- Jesus Christ. Amber! - What?
It was an accident!
Which hand means money's coming in? I forget.
Could this leaf had been something else?
What's that, baby? Is your tooth acting up again?
Oh, my God.
Oh... oh, my God.
- What are you doing? - I am taking you to the ER.
- He's not coming with us. - Then I'm not going!
What? It was a gift.
Who are you?
Keys Urgent Care.
♪ Mine eyes have seen the glory Of the coming of my wife ♪
You need to call 911 for that, ma'am.
How about "strife"?
♪ I have chosen To still love her ♪
♪ Though she causes me Much strife ♪
What about "knife"?
♪ I have opted for death By a thousand cuts ♪
♪ With a butter knife ♪
That's not funny!
There's too many syllables.
- What about "blythe"? - That's not a word.
Something with "pro-life"?
Good boy, buddy.